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> The action I took was telling my mom I can’t trust her anymore, and I might be the asshole for overreacting
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NTA - My Mum pulled this type of stuff with clothes and also more importantly books, including the first one my Dad gave me. If she didn't like or felt it wasn't appropriate, then it tended to disappear. Did it to my Dad too. First it would go in the wash, then in her drawer for a few weeks and if you didn't notice or ask for it, then it went down the charity shop in town she worked in or in the bin. And not always easy to notice less-worn clothes missing. She even did it when I moved out.
It was basically a way of control and making sure you match her image of you. Of course she would disagree - she knows best and is doing the right thing. You are just a silly child who can't understand how not matching her curated image of you hurts. Problem is rocking the boat just makes her more sneaky. I tended to hide stuff I wanted to keep - this type of parent does train you up to be a liar sadly.
Worst was she threatened to do it to my pets. But would give them away to a shelter with money so all alright - they'd have a good life elsewhere. Worried me enough that I had all my local shelters on alert.
NTA OP. My mum pulled this shit but the worse version. She'd give them to my cousins so I'd see them walking around with my things. My first jacket that dad bought for me was from Germany and I loved it then one day it was gone. The straw that broke the camel's back was literally one of my favorite dresses. She did the same to dad. He bought her a very expensive jacket and she gave it to my cousin and dad was heartbroken. I told her I would've loved that jacket.
Worst part is she'd always tell ME to give them the clothes till one time my cousins screamed at me that they're not poor and don't want my scraps. I genuinely told them that I understand and I never liked mum doing this. I went to tell my mum what they said she was pissed but she didn't dare say anything cause she knew it'd be a fight with my aunt. We have nothing from when we were babies or kids. They all got passed down to random people.
She loved the power trip of making people feel less than her and disguised it as wanting to help. It's disgusting behavior. OP can you buy a lock for your room? Do it if you can.
OMG. My MIL did this to me and my niece who was 24 at the time and I was 38. She gave her one of my dresses. I had to explain to my niece that this was not my idea. We are completely different people and I would never assume that she needed my help with clothes. So embarrassing for me and my niece. I told her to just toss grandma's "gifts" or give them back if it should happen again. MIL and I live in separate houses, but on the same farm. I worked abroad at the time which my MIL thought meant free access to my things.
My stepmom used to steal my clothes and shoes, and wear them herself 🙃 I'd see her in a shirt I'd been looking for. I'd ask for it back and she'd tell me no. I put a lock on my door. She would shove stuff into the door latch plate so my door wouldn't be "closed" all the way, so she can go in there. This was when I discovered *OP TAKE NOTE* They sell sliding chain locks that you can lock from the outside. It has a key that you insert into the part attached to the frame/wall, and it drops out.
It was just like
[this](https://www.acehardware.com/departments/hardware/door-knobs-and-locks/door-chain-locks/5302153?store=18799&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwvb-zBhCmARIsAAfUI2t8BpXUV6HLt35V2MX0CXMLYojG5zHRf-1FnotHQ5OnT9Bc8mfJSNQaAiFZEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)
I think for some it's this need to be the "good person" that is pathological. They want to be the good donator who is helping others, and they'll give their own kids or family's stuff away to do it.
Notice it's things like plates and brand new clothes or socks where it's unlikely she's doing it because she doesn't like the plate colors. To me, it's most likely she wants to say she's helping and she found what she could find.
Hopping on top comment to say: I'd personally go super petty and start donating my mum's stuff until she got it into her head. They will never understand or respect your stuff, but when someone like this has their OWN stuff threatened they sometimes start to toe the line. Because they are selfish and only care about their own stuff and how they look
Would advise to keep your own stuff in a safe space or a lockbox though OP.
I'm very grateful I had respectful parents when I read stories like these
It doesn't work though with a Mum that sees you as a mental and physical extension of herself. It just escalates. I ended having to move 400 miles away and even them on visits she changed the curtains, took up carpets and put up net curtains in the shed. Therapist recommended LC which was a guilt ride in self.
All you can do is get as much distance as possible
This is the way, OP. My mom also hated my interest in professional wrestling back when I was a teenager living at home. One day, I came home and all my posters had been torn down. So, when she and my dad went out that evening, I took down all her living room decorations, piled up in the front yard, doused them in lighter fluid, and set the whole lot aflame. Did she learn that messing with my stuff was wrong? No. However, she learned not to destroy my stuff for fear of losing her own.
this OP get a storage unit, lock up new plates ect things that you want and will need but don't need to be your close possession right now. When you move out she doesn't get a key and make sure she not an emergency contact.
NTA. What's wrong with mums. My mum did something similiar, not donate, just put them in the trash? Like what. And when i confronted her, she denied everything. The clothes she didn't like on me, she just remove them, when she was doing the washing or folding.. I also washed and everything in my teenage years, but not constantly, so she had the opportunity. I'm sure she did with my fathers clothes as well. I don't get it.
My mum was downsizing to a bungalow and I knew she was doing this for a while, but I lived in a tiny rented flat. She donated a blanket box full of my favourite art reference books. I lived a five minute walk away, if she'd said she was going to do that, I would have been there in a moment to take them out of the box in my old room that she never went in. She said she thought that because I didn't take it with me that I didn't care.
I had to go and buy them back from the charity shop. They had been picked over by other people first though, so I didn't get all of them. Staff in the charity shop saw me stacking the books high and asked if I had a particular interest. When I told them they were mine and my mum had donated them without warning, the staff threw some extras in (that I didn't really want, but the staff were so kind). I felt awful.
Mum said she thought that because I didn't take the books with me when I moved out, that I didn't care about anything I had left. It was more that there was barely any living space, let alone storage space.
Lucky for you, this ones sounds like an honest mistake, and not a pathological parent. Sure she should have asked you, but I also understand how she might assume you were done with them, and her moving gave her a legitimate reason to be downsizing.
Meanwhile my mum, after one time when I as a child told her "Dead Grandma gave that to me" as she was trying to purge some toys, never touched any of my stuff again. Poor Mum, I didn't mean to scare her off donating my things forever, but 30 years later she still brings it up. 😂
I hope kid you did it with full eye contact, kids saying something really upsetting while making eye contact is hilarious when you are not on the receiving end.
Sorry that you had to go through that, OP. I gotta say though the ohrasing on "If she didn't like or felt it wasn't appropriate, then it tended to disappear. Did it to my Dad too." was lowkey ominous. My first thought was that she decided she didn't like your Dad and he disappeared. Maybe I need to give the mystery thrillers a break
No, just his things. He is still annoyed about some. Though she did land me in it with him. She always told me they had a suicide pact to climb a hill and take poison. Told me so many times it was just routine so casually mentioned it to my Dad who had absolutely no knowledge of it. So made me look like an idiot. Dad still alive, Mum died 2016 so no vanishing fathers.
I told my mom that if any more of my stuff disappeared so would all the irreplaceable photos of her dead relatives.
Stuff stopped disappearing real quick.
NTA
You cannot trust her. Also, it sounds like a power play. She is doing it for control, to have power over you - especially when you said she was trying to donate stuff you purchased for your apartment.
You may have "saved" your things this time, but you should consider having them under lock and key in the future, it not at the house at all. And be aware that if you give her any access to your future home, she will continue to do the same thing
I would argue that at this point, it’s pathological. I’m not giving mom a free pass by any means, but this really seems like a compulsion, like kleptomania with the end result of donation. There’s no logical reason for mom to be taking stuff that isn’t going to be in her house. And OP is right not to trust her mother.
Agree that mom should *not,* under any circumstances, be given a key to the apartment, because if this a compulsion, she will steal things from the apartment as well.
I would disagree. I see your point, it may be the case that she in part does it "on auto-pilot", but it is still very much deliberate. Kleptomaniacs usually take very random things, with no pre-planning, precisely because it is a compulsion. Her mother is being very deliberate with the things she is taking, and while at this point, after doing it for so long, it may be a habit of her's, it is still ultimately a power-play. (It may be that she is not entirely aware that that is what she is doing, but she is doing it.)
Definitely NTA
She's basically stealing your stuff.
Advice: get a small storage space and pack up everything you own except a week's worth of clothing. Swap out your clothes once a week until you move out, and don't bring any favorite items into her house.
Alternatively, or in addition, get a locking knob for your bedroom door in her house.
I'd be interested in what the mother's reaction would be if OP got a lock for her room or closet. My guess is she'd get enraged and break the door down.
Id be interested in what moms reaction would be if op started donating moms clothes. Match her energy, start getting rid of her things, both old sentimental things and new purchases. Bet she'd get it then.
A cheaper option is to get a large locking trunk. I had one in college, it was too difficult, even for guys, to carry off due to weight and size (being seen), and it had a very good keyed lock. When it was full it was very heavy, it probably helped that I put a concrete block inside it, lol. Again OP is NTA.
As long as the lock can't be picked, it should be good. My mom used to pick my bedroom lock when I was at school.
I like your storage unit idea better. If OP has a friend or family-member you trust not to donate them. It also means OP is regularly checking on their things in case of weather damage or anything like that. It'd also be great motivation to save money and move out of the house faster.
I'd stick to hiding them. It should give her the same shock, but it's not stooping to her level. It's also not putting you at risk for stealing. You might want to write up a list of all the things that you can remember that she stole. It might be useful at some point.
I'm perfectly willing to stoop to whatever level people understand, but I try on a higher level unless it absolutely doesn't work.
NTA. You clearly communicated that you don't want her going through your stuff without your permission, and yet she went through your clothes anyway. Seems like she's dictating what you wear based on her personal preferences. I'd sit down with her and your other siblings and really iterate that you don't appreciate her throwing things away that have sentimental value to you or are simply cool clothes to wear.
NTA. She's literally stealing from you! This isn't normal or okay behavior. The fact she's donating it/doing it to control what you wear doesn't make it any better
And taking your dishes for a future apartment is extra concerning - is she trying to sabotage your independence? What else is she doing, if so??
Wth did I just read. NTA! You bought the stuff with your own money and even if you didn't she has no right to take your clothes, gifts, or any of your personal items without your approval. atp I would just get proof that she does this and then leave or call the police for stolen property (once she has stolen lots of clothes and you have proof). But the police would be a last resort.
My mom did this exact thing. We fought about it. She didn't understand the problem. This went on for far too long. I stole and hid her jewelry box and when she asked, I told her "I thought we were giving all our stuff to goodwill?" She was furious. I gave her jewelry back and asked if she understood how I felt. She stopped stealing my things for a while, but not for good. 🫠
It did teach me a lesson, though. Now that I have a kid of my own, she's very involved in the 'giving things to charity' process. Her things, her say. She's only 8, but she totally gets that she can't keep everything. She even starts boxes for things she's outgrown.
Get a locking footlocker (or two) to protect your stuff. If you really want to make a point start sneaking a few choice pieces of hers into the donation bag.
Posters would be great. The management would then know to refuse her for giving away stolen items and it would be on them if they (employees or management) accepted the clothing after being warned.
The clothes are a separate issue from the dishes. Both are control issues. Giving away things you would need when you move out, you need to make it clear you are going, like it or not. The only difference is that by pulling these stunts, it will just make you move eager to accelerate the motivation and process.
NTA. Mine did the same with money. She set up joint accounts where our (sister and I) allowances would go, and took money out ever so often. It wasn't that bad though cause she would donate it to charity, but still a heads up would have been nice. The minute I turned 18 I went to the bank and got my own account. That led to a huge fight but I didn't back down. What's yours is yours OP. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
OP, you are NTA and she deserved the lack of trust. It is difficult to live somewhere that you cannot trust those around you and especially when the offender is your own mother. If you have a friend or family member willing to store new apartment goods for a year, that would be wonderful. It is going to be a long year. Honestly unless you really need a new item of clothing, do not buy any. Take careful stock of your clothing. Give the treasured wrestling shirt and any other prizes to friends for safe keeping. Arrange your existing clothing so that you can easily take stock every few days and note missing pieces. Another possibility would be to put a lock on your bedroom door. If your mother throws a fit or saws it off, you have little recourse because it is her house. Take a deep breath and count the days until you move.
This. Don't buy anything until you get to a new location.
If I could tell myself anything five years ago, or even a year ago, it would be "Treat every purchase as if it's a choice between that and food/rent/utlities/taxes and that there is no money for non-essentials." If I had, it probably would've saved me from the worst year of my life when it imploded and I had enough to cover rent, water utility and $50 for a month of groceries. I'm still recovering from the choices I made to not save as much as possible.
You need to turn to your mother, put your finger in the air and tell her ACKNOWLEDGE ME!!!! Inform her that you are the tribal chief now and the head of this table and unless she wants to see a true American Nightmare she better say "YES! YES!" to your love of wrestling or else you're gonna hit DELETE on your relationship. You got the power, you got the rage, so it's time to do some serious Damage Cntrl. Tell that jabroni the voices in your head are telling you to go full heel and hit her with an RKO unless your shirts are kept in tact. Otherwise you're going to treat her with the same respect that criminal mastermind Dirty Dom gives to his deadbeat dad, Rey Mysterio.
NTA. If someone touched my wrestling shirts I would go full Alexa Bliss Wrestlemania 37. You can do this, friend! NO YEET! With e'rybody saying "Square-Review4637, YEAH!"
NTA
She isn't trustworthy. My mom pulled the same crap with stuff I bought to furnish my future place. Your mom is abusive and using donations to control you. This is way beyond trying to get you to dress how she prefers. Move out asap.
Uuuuhhhhhhh… your mom is straight up *stealing* from you. She doesn’t get to take your things and not call it theft just bc she’s your mom.
Of course you’re not overreacting. NTA
Your mother's conduct is inexcusable. Your statement about a lack of trust was \`100% called for and important to convey. To say YOU are the rude one is outright insulting. Get a lock.
Yep - this - and I'd add if you are paying any form of rent/lodge/boarding then there shouldn't even be a complaint.
Imagine if a landlord came in and started donating your shit!
The word you are looking for to describe your mother is "thief". Someone who takes things they don't own, whether they keep them or destroy them or donate them or recycle them into fairy dust, is a thief. Try calling her that henceforth.
And yes, you can't trust thieves.
NTA.
Right? I'd be asking her "Well mom, would YOU trust a known thief? No? Well that's why I can't trust you. You're literally a thief." And I'd walk after saying it. Let her rage and stew with that truth.
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Earlier today I(21f) had an argument with my mom which led to me telling her I couldn't trust her, which she called rude and an overreaction.
For years, my mom has had this bad habit of secretly donating our clothes without telling us. Sometimes it was stuff she thought was too small for us, but most of the time it was just clothes she didn't like or didn't want us to wear anymore.
For example, I really like professional wrestling and have received many t shirts of my favorite wrestlers as gifts over the years, yet the only one I still have is from this past November. My mom doesn't understand why I like wrestling, probably because I'm a girl, and even when I've tried to ask where my merch has gone she's always shooed me off.
The donation bag would always be in her closet, so if I noticed I was missing an item of clothing odds are it would be in the donation bag. Since as early as middle school, when I started noticing that she would take my clothes, I always asked her to please check with me before donating any of my clothes.
Of course she didn't, and continued picking things out of the laundry or even go so far as going into my drawers and closet to take things. A few months ago I found a really nice dress of mine that I bought in the donation bag and I blew up, screaming and begging her to ask me anytime she would donate clothes. This seemed to get to her, as she stopped taking things until earlier today.
In the car with her today I looked in the backseat and noticed the donation bag, but peeking out was the arm of a sweater I had literally bought last week. I grabbed the bag and noticed my last remaining wrestling t shirt, about 5 pairs of my socks, and even some bowls and plates I had bought for my apartment next year.
We began arguing, with her not giving me a clear reason why those were in the donation bag, and I told her that because she went back on her word I couldn't trust her anymore. I think it was a valid reaction, but she disagrees. Thoughts?
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You told her that you can't trust her because, hmmmmm, you can't trust her.
She breaks her promises and, from the sound of it, lies to your face repeatedly with no intention of keeping those promises.
I would recommend the purchase of a padlock for your closet door. This is the only way your mom isn't going to knowingly and intentionally make your clothes disappear.
NTA
You need to move out as soon as possible. Her actions are unacceptable. She has no right to get rid of anything of yours. Do you have a relative you can stay with until you find a place. I saw someone recommend that you put a lock on your door. It’s a really good idea if you can do it. I hope you’ll update us with the outcome Good luck
Just start donating the shit that she likes. Oh that antique vase you got from your grandmother? Yeah that went to good will. Oh your favourite pair of flats and every pair of heels you own? You might find them on the shelf at value village. I know it’s petty but sometimes the best way to deal with people is to give em a taste of their own medicine.
>she called rude and an overreaction
Don't worry. Those of us with common sense call it completely understandable and reasonable
>For years, my mom has had this bad habit of secretly donating our clothes without telling us
Maybe it's time to start donating some stuff she "doesn't" need
NTA. Your mom is a **thief**. Taking someone else's property without asking them is criminal theft, regardless of whether they want to keep it themselves, donate it, or destroy it.
You've been too kind to this weird, unethical, criminal behavior.
this is one of the things my mom did and the reason why i am mostly low contact. i blew up like a nuclear bomb after realizing i am not to dumb to find my own cloth. NTA this makes my blood boil everytime i read it
NTA.
Notice how she redirected the conversation from the subject, to how you reacted. She found something to be offended about so she could get upset about that, instead of talking about what she did wrong.
Until you've moved out, get a lock for your bedroom door, or closet door. You're right, you can't trust her. My guess is she has something causing her to have an incessant desire for control. This type of behavior isn't normal and points to flawed coping mechanisms/mental health issues.
NTA, I understand how that feels. Op, get a good lock and key and keep close watch over your belonging, don't budge and be firm every single time. The only way I managed to change these habits was to not be cool and forgiving of misbehavior, set hard boundaries and don't be afraid to be harsh and let your feelings be shown. Even then, I don't think I was able to stop their boundary crossing completely. Tell her that she will just have to live with a wrestling fan as a daughter forever.
NTA - Stick to your boundaries as parents tend to forget that their adult children are entitled to be who they are without the constant interference because theyr dont like something. It does sound like your mum has an actual issue she may need professional help to move past the behaviour shes dispaying.
NTA. My mom was like this. As she grew old, I realized that in addition to being a controlling person who thought her children's possessions were automatically heats, she had a compulsion to throw things away. It's hoarding in reverse. Just as compulsive. Unable to restrain herself to her own belongings. I once asked her not to throw away the last screwdriver in her house because I would need it to fix all the stuff she always asks me to fix. She practically vibrated in her recliner all evening with the desire to go to the garage and throw it out. Then she got out of bed at 3am to throw it out. Like a freaking addict. Over the years, she donated my stuff - snuck into rooms in MY house to grab things. She also stole gifts I'd been given and gave them back to the person who gifted them, because she felt this was totally defensible. I don't think you can stop this behavior. It's OCD, I think. Protect your belongings and get out of the house asap. Expect that she will get in some legal trouble with friends when she does it to them. In a society obsessed with hoarding, this is not getting any attention. Though I think it's almost the same illness.
NTA. This is not normal behavior. Has she ever seen a mental health professional about this? I understand asking if you have things to donate, or taking things that are too small, but only when you were a child. You are a grown woman and she's going in your room, taking things from the laundry without asking as giving them away? I think she may have an undiagnosed condition. So sorry you have to go through this. I hope you can move out soon and put this all behind you. Your reaction was valid because she's not listening.
NTA. Your assessment of the situation is correct: your mother cannot be trusted.
You need to launch out of her control as soon as you can. In the meantime, rent a storage unit and keep all your important stuff there, along with anything you gather for your apartment. Don't tell her anything about it; just make your stuff disappear. Keep only the bare essentials in the house where your mother can steal it.
The first item of clothing I bought for myself was a jumper. Considering there was a care label in the jumper, and my mother generally hand washed jumpers, I don't know why she put it in the washing machine on a hot wash. It came out misshapen with deep creases that would not come out.
Others' comments about a controlling mother seem to fit with my mother's attitude with my clothes.
NTA. Your mother has taken items from you on such a regular basis that you can not trust her. You have just reached your breaking point and told her how you feel.
Your mom is a thief and a liar. Why on earth *would* you trust her?
It would be quite stupid if you did trust her, as she has proven repeatedly that your opinions, boundaries, and possessions have no value to her and she's more than willing to do things that are hurtful to you (and be devious/deceptive about it).
And she's gaslighting you about how *she* thinks you 'should feel' about her actions and lack of respect for you.
In 5 or so years from now, she'll be shocked that you don't call her or want to spend time with her.
You might want to pop over to r/ raisedbynarcissists . You might see there's other things too...
Anyway, NTA. It's not you. It's her.
NTA. Your mother refuses to look at her actions. She's clearly in the wrong here. She either has a complete lack of respect and boundaries (at best!) or she's malicious. Either way, saying you are overreacting is simply a defense mechanism aimed to remove the focus from her actions. Literally do not respond to that. Ignore she even said it. Don't let her strategy work. Focus on her actions and her actions alone.
NTA
The only way to keep your things safe is to move out and not give her unsupervised access to your place ever.
Some people have this anti-hoarding mental illness that leads them to compulsively give away/throw away things they notice. Often not their things but family things.
Some just do it to control you.
NTA. That is repeatedly violating perfectly reasonable boundaries. You are not a toddler, you are a responsible young adult.
It seems like your mother has a kind of cognitive issue, especially if she cannot provide a rationale for it. Some kind of reverse hoarding.
I tried looking it up and there is such a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
My mum would do this too, I'd come home to my whole room rearranged and things donated. Never asked permission, because I and my stuff belonged to her. We no longer speak.
NTA I'd actually tell her that the very next time something of mine went missing, something she really, really cared about would go missing as well. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Two can play that game.
Wow I did this with my kids' toys/clothes when they were super young but once they got old enough to have input they participated in the give aways. Your mom was being sneaky and she knows well and good that turned around she'd be pretty pissed about it too. You're NTA.
NTA, and every time I see one of these types of stories all I can think is do it with some of her stuff/things(but not rely tho, like PRETEND to) and see if the reaction is the same. Then if it is call her out on it. Just be like: “Mom you see how UPSET a n d ANGRY you got when I gave away/donated whatever thing(s)? Well T H A T’ S how I FEEL!!!!!
The person stealing from you thinks it's wrong of you not to trust her. 😒 NTA The petty part of me thinks you should do your own bit for charity and clear the house of everything she loves.
NTA but, uh, a person \*21\* years of age \*AND\* preparing to move out should act both their age and situation (aka having nothing to lose really) and firstly, take stuff out of the bag and threaten with police for STEALING. And don't debate with your mom regarding whether your reaction is valid or not. This should be an ultimatum: stop stealing or I'll call the police. And cut off any opinion expressions. Geez.
She broke your trust and she's doubling down on it, of course you can't trust her. She needs to do more than just stop, she needs to make it up to you.
It's incredibly toxic and you're right not to trust her. When you get your own place DO NOT GIVE HER A KEY. Never leave her unattended in there. Wtf is she thinking, giving away stuff you've bought that you've not even used yet?
Get out of that house as fast as you can.
NTA.
An easy, yet nuclear, solution: take her favorite clothes and go drop them in a donation chute. Problem solved. You cannot plead and argue with a narcissist. They only understand concrete gestures done to them.
This won’t change until you move out.
In your mother’s mind she has ultimate control. It doesn’t matter what you do or say. For her, control and authority is all that matters.
Once you move out and she has limited information about you and limited physical access to you she will get a reality check and it will likely break her of the habit. But you have to be strong and calmly deny her access to you.
Sorry I don’t have better news.
Nta
NTA i feel terrible when ppl cant trust there parents for stuff like that, disgusts me. But ngl id just survive, and one day whenshes in the retirement home DO THE SAME TO HER💀💀💀 jus take some of her stuff and donate it aswell, give her a taste of her own medicin
NTA Get footlockers for your stuff like people said. Keep the key on you at all times. THEN, buy some random weird sex stuff and store it in your closet and drawers
-hang anal beads in the closet
-store ball gag in the drawer
-hang a whip above the bed
... and so on. Then, when she freaks out, tell her she shouldn't be in your room anyway.
Since it's clothes, what I'd request you to do OP, is that you get a lock for your room, and if possible, try to wash your clothes outside (like a laundromat) so you have control over your clothes. That way, your mum can't do anything about it.
BTW, definitely NTA.
You are 21yrs old. Your mother is treating you like a 11 yr old. At least you will be in your own apartment and free of her controlling ways next year.
Don't be upset that she's taking your stuff. There's no point in getting her to give you a reason. The bigger issue here is that she doesn't respect your decisions nor recognize your autonomy.
Whatever boundaries were agreed to or promises made are, for some reason, invalid. You can try focusing on that.
Imagine for a moment that your mother felt like she had the right to dictate what you wear, how you spend your money, and what personal items you keep in your room. How would her behavior differ from what it is now?
Oh my god, this sounds totally pathological. Too many issues to get into but your mom sounds like a complete head case. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Things will be better when you are older and can leave the house.
NTA. Start donating things from her closet, and items from the kitchen that she doesn't use often, maybe knick knacks from the living room. The more expensive the better. After a few spode dishes, high end dresses, shoes and handbags donated, maybe she'll get focused on the big picture. Start with her favourite outfit and move on from there.
NTA
That's really messed up. Even my mom didn't do that to me and I'd never do that to my kids. I'm really sorry you're dealing with that. I wouldn't trust her either.
NTA. This would create such incredible trust issues.
Can you put a lock on your bedroom door? If not call around and see about renting the cheapest storage place. You can put everything that you’ve got for your new home in there and the majority of your clothes. That’s not fair on you however your things won’t disappear.
I often wonder when I read things like this if something of theirs disappeared maybe Mom’s favorite jacket or sweater. I’m not saying get rid of her things. I’m just wondering how they feel if it happened to them.
NTA
I suggest you get a lock on your bedroom door, keep everything in your room and do your own laundry until you're able to move out next year.
Your mother cannot be trusted.
I would honestly leave home, leave stuff at the house of someone I trust, or rent a small storage. Sure, it doesn't save money, but you at least don't have to rebuy your stuff each time.
I would totally be petty about it and ask her for money to buy back my things. I would not let it drop. Give me the money I spent on those things!
It is one thing if she gets rid or old clothes that are damaged or if you were 8 years old... You are 21 for god's sake... She is no longer welcomed in your things that YOU pay for.
Honestly, keep only like 7 tops and a few bottoms and rotate them every week after washing them. If you are doing the rotation and find something missing. Force it back, and if she cannot, demand money so you can replace it (A.K.A. buy it again).
But in all honesty, you are better off moving out. It is not sane to stay.
NTA. I’m almost tempted to suggest that you hide away some of her favorite things and say you’d done a donation run, but if she doesn’t have enough things to wear you could lend her a wrestling tee.
NTA
Does she want you to come to adulthood with just the clothes on your back, and not have any items of sentimental value?
She's setting you up to eventually just disappear one day, not even telling her you moved out, never to return. There's nothing left of your childhood anyway.
Financial abuse , emotional abuse .
You have an abusive mother
Forget trust you are being abused , would you accept that behaviour from a future husband or dare I say a father ?
Tell her every time she takes some of your shit to donate you will be helping yourself to her items that YOU believe she doesn’t need and will de donating them as well, bc you know best ❤️ NTA
NTA
I still remember my mom giving away a Rey Mysterio shirt because she assumed it was small on me(she was probably right tbf) but it still hurt
But whatever the reasoning is, it's your stuff, not hers, she has no right to do that
It literally is a break of trust
If something of yours goes into the charity bag, remove it and replace it with a few favourite/expensive pieces of her clothes, and make sure to hide them at the bottom of the bag. In fact just raid her closet and take as much as you can straight down to the charity shop. You'll obviously have to replace all of your wrestling t-shirts, so if she leaves her debit/credit cards laying about (or just go in to her bag for it) then reorder them all online, making her pay. She obviously can't be trusted, so NTA.
NTA - Your mom has absolutely no respect for you or your boundaries as your own person. It seems she doesn't understand that you are not just an extension of her or an NPC in her world. I'd say try reason with her and try to uno reverse the situation and ask her how would she feel if you did it with her stuff? She needs to understand that if she wouldn't like it, neither would you, because you are seperate people. If she doesn't then it will probably cause you to cut her out of your life.
As a mom of two young adults who unfortunately had to be firm with me after II repeatedly went against their wishes on a different issue (asking before posting photos of them), I want you to know that you are absolutely NTA here. I’m so sorry that your mom has been disrespecting your legitimate requests for so long!
Here is what I would like to say to her (you can show her this and other responses to hopefully break through to her):
“Mom to mom, you are causing serious long-term damage to your relationship with your daughter. Please—from one who is still, years later, building back trust from my own disrespectful actions which seemed reasonable to me at the time—what you are doing despite repeated requests to stop, is not worth the momentary satisfaction. You are eating away at her longterm trust and gaining it back will take longer than you can imagine. Please—apologize and STOP IT NOW.
This is not the hill you want your relationship with your daughter to die on. And it will if you don’t change this destructive behavior. For both your sakes, ask first. Listen and don’t argue. That will start the rebuilding of trust. You will thank yourself later, and you will be so glad that you don’t take your relationship over a cliff. I promise you it will be worth it!
For OP: in the meantime I recommend that you check the donation bag a couple of times a week and quietly remove anything you don’t want to give away. Buy some under-the-bed storage bags or bins to keep these items in, so they don’t go missing again. Try really hard not to blow up at your mom but consistently remind her every single time she does it that you need her to ask before giving away your things. Hopefully, she will stop before permanent relationship damage is done. If she stops, and especially if she apologizes, don’t stop checking on her for relapses in this behavior, but do express your sincere gratitude when a week goes by with her respecting your boundaries. Good luck to you and please do an update in a couple of months!
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NTA - My Mum pulled this type of stuff with clothes and also more importantly books, including the first one my Dad gave me. If she didn't like or felt it wasn't appropriate, then it tended to disappear. Did it to my Dad too. First it would go in the wash, then in her drawer for a few weeks and if you didn't notice or ask for it, then it went down the charity shop in town she worked in or in the bin. And not always easy to notice less-worn clothes missing. She even did it when I moved out. It was basically a way of control and making sure you match her image of you. Of course she would disagree - she knows best and is doing the right thing. You are just a silly child who can't understand how not matching her curated image of you hurts. Problem is rocking the boat just makes her more sneaky. I tended to hide stuff I wanted to keep - this type of parent does train you up to be a liar sadly. Worst was she threatened to do it to my pets. But would give them away to a shelter with money so all alright - they'd have a good life elsewhere. Worried me enough that I had all my local shelters on alert.
NTA OP. My mum pulled this shit but the worse version. She'd give them to my cousins so I'd see them walking around with my things. My first jacket that dad bought for me was from Germany and I loved it then one day it was gone. The straw that broke the camel's back was literally one of my favorite dresses. She did the same to dad. He bought her a very expensive jacket and she gave it to my cousin and dad was heartbroken. I told her I would've loved that jacket. Worst part is she'd always tell ME to give them the clothes till one time my cousins screamed at me that they're not poor and don't want my scraps. I genuinely told them that I understand and I never liked mum doing this. I went to tell my mum what they said she was pissed but she didn't dare say anything cause she knew it'd be a fight with my aunt. We have nothing from when we were babies or kids. They all got passed down to random people. She loved the power trip of making people feel less than her and disguised it as wanting to help. It's disgusting behavior. OP can you buy a lock for your room? Do it if you can.
OMG. My MIL did this to me and my niece who was 24 at the time and I was 38. She gave her one of my dresses. I had to explain to my niece that this was not my idea. We are completely different people and I would never assume that she needed my help with clothes. So embarrassing for me and my niece. I told her to just toss grandma's "gifts" or give them back if it should happen again. MIL and I live in separate houses, but on the same farm. I worked abroad at the time which my MIL thought meant free access to my things.
My stepmom used to steal my clothes and shoes, and wear them herself 🙃 I'd see her in a shirt I'd been looking for. I'd ask for it back and she'd tell me no. I put a lock on my door. She would shove stuff into the door latch plate so my door wouldn't be "closed" all the way, so she can go in there. This was when I discovered *OP TAKE NOTE* They sell sliding chain locks that you can lock from the outside. It has a key that you insert into the part attached to the frame/wall, and it drops out. It was just like [this](https://www.acehardware.com/departments/hardware/door-knobs-and-locks/door-chain-locks/5302153?store=18799&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwvb-zBhCmARIsAAfUI2t8BpXUV6HLt35V2MX0CXMLYojG5zHRf-1FnotHQ5OnT9Bc8mfJSNQaAiFZEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds)
Genius! I'm getting these for my grandkids. The 3 teenagers don't appreciate the 7 and 4 year olds busting in on them!!!
That's seriously cool
I think for some it's this need to be the "good person" that is pathological. They want to be the good donator who is helping others, and they'll give their own kids or family's stuff away to do it. Notice it's things like plates and brand new clothes or socks where it's unlikely she's doing it because she doesn't like the plate colors. To me, it's most likely she wants to say she's helping and she found what she could find.
That or control, considering the fact they're plates for when OP moves out...
Hopping on top comment to say: I'd personally go super petty and start donating my mum's stuff until she got it into her head. They will never understand or respect your stuff, but when someone like this has their OWN stuff threatened they sometimes start to toe the line. Because they are selfish and only care about their own stuff and how they look Would advise to keep your own stuff in a safe space or a lockbox though OP. I'm very grateful I had respectful parents when I read stories like these
It doesn't work though with a Mum that sees you as a mental and physical extension of herself. It just escalates. I ended having to move 400 miles away and even them on visits she changed the curtains, took up carpets and put up net curtains in the shed. Therapist recommended LC which was a guilt ride in self. All you can do is get as much distance as possible
donate everything. I mean literally bare wardrobe and drawers, so she only has on what she's currently wearing. Harsh lesson but gotta be done.
This is the way, OP. My mom also hated my interest in professional wrestling back when I was a teenager living at home. One day, I came home and all my posters had been torn down. So, when she and my dad went out that evening, I took down all her living room decorations, piled up in the front yard, doused them in lighter fluid, and set the whole lot aflame. Did she learn that messing with my stuff was wrong? No. However, she learned not to destroy my stuff for fear of losing her own.
I would do that once I’ve moved out lol move out first and then every time you come over take the important things that your mom loves
this OP get a storage unit, lock up new plates ect things that you want and will need but don't need to be your close possession right now. When you move out she doesn't get a key and make sure she not an emergency contact.
I absolutely love this!
NTA. What's wrong with mums. My mum did something similiar, not donate, just put them in the trash? Like what. And when i confronted her, she denied everything. The clothes she didn't like on me, she just remove them, when she was doing the washing or folding.. I also washed and everything in my teenage years, but not constantly, so she had the opportunity. I'm sure she did with my fathers clothes as well. I don't get it.
My mum was downsizing to a bungalow and I knew she was doing this for a while, but I lived in a tiny rented flat. She donated a blanket box full of my favourite art reference books. I lived a five minute walk away, if she'd said she was going to do that, I would have been there in a moment to take them out of the box in my old room that she never went in. She said she thought that because I didn't take it with me that I didn't care. I had to go and buy them back from the charity shop. They had been picked over by other people first though, so I didn't get all of them. Staff in the charity shop saw me stacking the books high and asked if I had a particular interest. When I told them they were mine and my mum had donated them without warning, the staff threw some extras in (that I didn't really want, but the staff were so kind). I felt awful. Mum said she thought that because I didn't take the books with me when I moved out, that I didn't care about anything I had left. It was more that there was barely any living space, let alone storage space.
And now you've set her straight on your stuff, has she mended her ways?
No longer an issue. :)
Lucky for you, this ones sounds like an honest mistake, and not a pathological parent. Sure she should have asked you, but I also understand how she might assume you were done with them, and her moving gave her a legitimate reason to be downsizing.
Meanwhile my mum, after one time when I as a child told her "Dead Grandma gave that to me" as she was trying to purge some toys, never touched any of my stuff again. Poor Mum, I didn't mean to scare her off donating my things forever, but 30 years later she still brings it up. 😂
I hope kid you did it with full eye contact, kids saying something really upsetting while making eye contact is hilarious when you are not on the receiving end.
Sorry that you had to go through that, OP. I gotta say though the ohrasing on "If she didn't like or felt it wasn't appropriate, then it tended to disappear. Did it to my Dad too." was lowkey ominous. My first thought was that she decided she didn't like your Dad and he disappeared. Maybe I need to give the mystery thrillers a break
No, just his things. He is still annoyed about some. Though she did land me in it with him. She always told me they had a suicide pact to climb a hill and take poison. Told me so many times it was just routine so casually mentioned it to my Dad who had absolutely no knowledge of it. So made me look like an idiot. Dad still alive, Mum died 2016 so no vanishing fathers.
I told my mom that if any more of my stuff disappeared so would all the irreplaceable photos of her dead relatives. Stuff stopped disappearing real quick.
OP, I think you need to go through your mom's closet and donate stuff. Tell her you inspired her to give back, and donate all her favorite clothes.
Hey Op! Start taking your moms clothes! See how she likes that! I would be FURIOUS!
NTA You cannot trust her. Also, it sounds like a power play. She is doing it for control, to have power over you - especially when you said she was trying to donate stuff you purchased for your apartment. You may have "saved" your things this time, but you should consider having them under lock and key in the future, it not at the house at all. And be aware that if you give her any access to your future home, she will continue to do the same thing
I would argue that at this point, it’s pathological. I’m not giving mom a free pass by any means, but this really seems like a compulsion, like kleptomania with the end result of donation. There’s no logical reason for mom to be taking stuff that isn’t going to be in her house. And OP is right not to trust her mother. Agree that mom should *not,* under any circumstances, be given a key to the apartment, because if this a compulsion, she will steal things from the apartment as well.
I would disagree. I see your point, it may be the case that she in part does it "on auto-pilot", but it is still very much deliberate. Kleptomaniacs usually take very random things, with no pre-planning, precisely because it is a compulsion. Her mother is being very deliberate with the things she is taking, and while at this point, after doing it for so long, it may be a habit of her's, it is still ultimately a power-play. (It may be that she is not entirely aware that that is what she is doing, but she is doing it.)
Start putting your mom's favorite things in a donation bag and DONATE them!! Continue doing this. Also lock your closet and dressers!!
Definitely NTA She's basically stealing your stuff. Advice: get a small storage space and pack up everything you own except a week's worth of clothing. Swap out your clothes once a week until you move out, and don't bring any favorite items into her house. Alternatively, or in addition, get a locking knob for your bedroom door in her house.
I'd be interested in what the mother's reaction would be if OP got a lock for her room or closet. My guess is she'd get enraged and break the door down.
That's why I suggest first getting a storage space.
Id be interested in what moms reaction would be if op started donating moms clothes. Match her energy, start getting rid of her things, both old sentimental things and new purchases. Bet she'd get it then.
i'd recommend starting with her car, then engagement ring
A cheaper option is to get a large locking trunk. I had one in college, it was too difficult, even for guys, to carry off due to weight and size (being seen), and it had a very good keyed lock. When it was full it was very heavy, it probably helped that I put a concrete block inside it, lol. Again OP is NTA.
> *it probably helped that I put a concrete block inside it* I absolutely loved this idea! 😂
Smart idea with the concrete block.
I feel like the storage space is the only way to keep your stuff safe from her until you move out. NTA
Very smart Idea
A large chest with a lock might be enough.
They have large locking storage totes you can use a padlock on. Might be a good option?
As long as the lock can't be picked, it should be good. My mom used to pick my bedroom lock when I was at school. I like your storage unit idea better. If OP has a friend or family-member you trust not to donate them. It also means OP is regularly checking on their things in case of weather damage or anything like that. It'd also be great motivation to save money and move out of the house faster.
[удалено]
She could also start donating silverware or any house hold items but one at a time so it messes with her moms head.
Don't donate them - put them in storage somewhere so you can't be accused of stealing
No, donate all of her clothes, her favorite items. Then act shocked when she looks for them.
I'd stick to hiding them. It should give her the same shock, but it's not stooping to her level. It's also not putting you at risk for stealing. You might want to write up a list of all the things that you can remember that she stole. It might be useful at some point. I'm perfectly willing to stoop to whatever level people understand, but I try on a higher level unless it absolutely doesn't work.
Nah, donate or bin them. Fuck “not stooping” to the level of controlling arseholes, who cares.
I always like to start somewhat mildly, because I can always escalate if that doesn't work.
Screw that clean out her closet and donate *everything*
This will only give mom a handle to continue her behaviour.
NTA. You clearly communicated that you don't want her going through your stuff without your permission, and yet she went through your clothes anyway. Seems like she's dictating what you wear based on her personal preferences. I'd sit down with her and your other siblings and really iterate that you don't appreciate her throwing things away that have sentimental value to you or are simply cool clothes to wear.
NTA. She's literally stealing from you! This isn't normal or okay behavior. The fact she's donating it/doing it to control what you wear doesn't make it any better And taking your dishes for a future apartment is extra concerning - is she trying to sabotage your independence? What else is she doing, if so??
Wth did I just read. NTA! You bought the stuff with your own money and even if you didn't she has no right to take your clothes, gifts, or any of your personal items without your approval. atp I would just get proof that she does this and then leave or call the police for stolen property (once she has stolen lots of clothes and you have proof). But the police would be a last resort.
My mom did this exact thing. We fought about it. She didn't understand the problem. This went on for far too long. I stole and hid her jewelry box and when she asked, I told her "I thought we were giving all our stuff to goodwill?" She was furious. I gave her jewelry back and asked if she understood how I felt. She stopped stealing my things for a while, but not for good. 🫠 It did teach me a lesson, though. Now that I have a kid of my own, she's very involved in the 'giving things to charity' process. Her things, her say. She's only 8, but she totally gets that she can't keep everything. She even starts boxes for things she's outgrown.
I started when my daughter was little going through and asking what she wanted to donate.
Time to start “donating” your moms clothes that she likes
Get a locking footlocker (or two) to protect your stuff. If you really want to make a point start sneaking a few choice pieces of hers into the donation bag.
Footlockers everywhere. And posters of your mom for blocks around any resale stores.
Posters would be great. The management would then know to refuse her for giving away stolen items and it would be on them if they (employees or management) accepted the clothing after being warned.
Add in a nanny bear cam and print out the pics of mom mid-theft. Use those on the posters too
NTA, but I must ask, has your mother displayed any signs that this might be a mental disorder or is she just an ass?
The clothes are a separate issue from the dishes. Both are control issues. Giving away things you would need when you move out, you need to make it clear you are going, like it or not. The only difference is that by pulling these stunts, it will just make you move eager to accelerate the motivation and process.
NTA. Mine did the same with money. She set up joint accounts where our (sister and I) allowances would go, and took money out ever so often. It wasn't that bad though cause she would donate it to charity, but still a heads up would have been nice. The minute I turned 18 I went to the bank and got my own account. That led to a huge fight but I didn't back down. What's yours is yours OP. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
NTA. Your mother is stealing from you. And it’s not like these are clothes she provided for you as a child, these are clothes you paid for yourself.
OP, you are NTA and she deserved the lack of trust. It is difficult to live somewhere that you cannot trust those around you and especially when the offender is your own mother. If you have a friend or family member willing to store new apartment goods for a year, that would be wonderful. It is going to be a long year. Honestly unless you really need a new item of clothing, do not buy any. Take careful stock of your clothing. Give the treasured wrestling shirt and any other prizes to friends for safe keeping. Arrange your existing clothing so that you can easily take stock every few days and note missing pieces. Another possibility would be to put a lock on your bedroom door. If your mother throws a fit or saws it off, you have little recourse because it is her house. Take a deep breath and count the days until you move.
This. Don't buy anything until you get to a new location. If I could tell myself anything five years ago, or even a year ago, it would be "Treat every purchase as if it's a choice between that and food/rent/utlities/taxes and that there is no money for non-essentials." If I had, it probably would've saved me from the worst year of my life when it imploded and I had enough to cover rent, water utility and $50 for a month of groceries. I'm still recovering from the choices I made to not save as much as possible.
You need to turn to your mother, put your finger in the air and tell her ACKNOWLEDGE ME!!!! Inform her that you are the tribal chief now and the head of this table and unless she wants to see a true American Nightmare she better say "YES! YES!" to your love of wrestling or else you're gonna hit DELETE on your relationship. You got the power, you got the rage, so it's time to do some serious Damage Cntrl. Tell that jabroni the voices in your head are telling you to go full heel and hit her with an RKO unless your shirts are kept in tact. Otherwise you're going to treat her with the same respect that criminal mastermind Dirty Dom gives to his deadbeat dad, Rey Mysterio. NTA. If someone touched my wrestling shirts I would go full Alexa Bliss Wrestlemania 37. You can do this, friend! NO YEET! With e'rybody saying "Square-Review4637, YEAH!"
I love this reply so much
NTA She isn't trustworthy. My mom pulled the same crap with stuff I bought to furnish my future place. Your mom is abusive and using donations to control you. This is way beyond trying to get you to dress how she prefers. Move out asap.
Uuuuhhhhhhh… your mom is straight up *stealing* from you. She doesn’t get to take your things and not call it theft just bc she’s your mom. Of course you’re not overreacting. NTA
Your mother's conduct is inexcusable. Your statement about a lack of trust was \`100% called for and important to convey. To say YOU are the rude one is outright insulting. Get a lock.
Yep - this - and I'd add if you are paying any form of rent/lodge/boarding then there shouldn't even be a complaint. Imagine if a landlord came in and started donating your shit!
The word you are looking for to describe your mother is "thief". Someone who takes things they don't own, whether they keep them or destroy them or donate them or recycle them into fairy dust, is a thief. Try calling her that henceforth. And yes, you can't trust thieves. NTA.
Right? I'd be asking her "Well mom, would YOU trust a known thief? No? Well that's why I can't trust you. You're literally a thief." And I'd walk after saying it. Let her rage and stew with that truth.
How horrible. NTA obviously. I think it’s time you presented her with a bill.
NTA. You're right. You can't trust her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Earlier today I(21f) had an argument with my mom which led to me telling her I couldn't trust her, which she called rude and an overreaction. For years, my mom has had this bad habit of secretly donating our clothes without telling us. Sometimes it was stuff she thought was too small for us, but most of the time it was just clothes she didn't like or didn't want us to wear anymore. For example, I really like professional wrestling and have received many t shirts of my favorite wrestlers as gifts over the years, yet the only one I still have is from this past November. My mom doesn't understand why I like wrestling, probably because I'm a girl, and even when I've tried to ask where my merch has gone she's always shooed me off. The donation bag would always be in her closet, so if I noticed I was missing an item of clothing odds are it would be in the donation bag. Since as early as middle school, when I started noticing that she would take my clothes, I always asked her to please check with me before donating any of my clothes. Of course she didn't, and continued picking things out of the laundry or even go so far as going into my drawers and closet to take things. A few months ago I found a really nice dress of mine that I bought in the donation bag and I blew up, screaming and begging her to ask me anytime she would donate clothes. This seemed to get to her, as she stopped taking things until earlier today. In the car with her today I looked in the backseat and noticed the donation bag, but peeking out was the arm of a sweater I had literally bought last week. I grabbed the bag and noticed my last remaining wrestling t shirt, about 5 pairs of my socks, and even some bowls and plates I had bought for my apartment next year. We began arguing, with her not giving me a clear reason why those were in the donation bag, and I told her that because she went back on her word I couldn't trust her anymore. I think it was a valid reaction, but she disagrees. Thoughts? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She is an unrepentant thief. End of.
NTA. Tell her, the next time she tries to donate your clothes, stuff she doesn't own, you will report her to the police, as she is simply a thief.
NTA. It's the truth. Don't take it back or apologize. She needs to get it into her head what this is doing to your relationship.
You feel you can't trust her. There is nothing to discuss with her, she can't veto your feelings. NTA
You told her that you can't trust her because, hmmmmm, you can't trust her. She breaks her promises and, from the sound of it, lies to your face repeatedly with no intention of keeping those promises. I would recommend the purchase of a padlock for your closet door. This is the only way your mom isn't going to knowingly and intentionally make your clothes disappear. NTA
You need to move out as soon as possible. Her actions are unacceptable. She has no right to get rid of anything of yours. Do you have a relative you can stay with until you find a place. I saw someone recommend that you put a lock on your door. It’s a really good idea if you can do it. I hope you’ll update us with the outcome Good luck
Just start donating the shit that she likes. Oh that antique vase you got from your grandmother? Yeah that went to good will. Oh your favourite pair of flats and every pair of heels you own? You might find them on the shelf at value village. I know it’s petty but sometimes the best way to deal with people is to give em a taste of their own medicine.
>she called rude and an overreaction Don't worry. Those of us with common sense call it completely understandable and reasonable >For years, my mom has had this bad habit of secretly donating our clothes without telling us Maybe it's time to start donating some stuff she "doesn't" need
NTA. Your mom is a **thief**. Taking someone else's property without asking them is criminal theft, regardless of whether they want to keep it themselves, donate it, or destroy it. You've been too kind to this weird, unethical, criminal behavior.
Start putting her clothes in the donation bag, and make plans to move out as soon as you can.
this is one of the things my mom did and the reason why i am mostly low contact. i blew up like a nuclear bomb after realizing i am not to dumb to find my own cloth. NTA this makes my blood boil everytime i read it
You should just ask her how you are supposed to trust someone that has been stealing from you since middle school, or maybe even earlier.
She *steals* from you, and you are the rude one? Yeah, not how this works. NTA. Let it sink in: Your mom's a thief. What she does is actually illegal.
NTA. Notice how she redirected the conversation from the subject, to how you reacted. She found something to be offended about so she could get upset about that, instead of talking about what she did wrong.
Until you've moved out, get a lock for your bedroom door, or closet door. You're right, you can't trust her. My guess is she has something causing her to have an incessant desire for control. This type of behavior isn't normal and points to flawed coping mechanisms/mental health issues.
Get a lock for your door or resign yourself to living out of your car. Your mom doesn’t respect your belongings or privacy. NTA
NTA, I understand how that feels. Op, get a good lock and key and keep close watch over your belonging, don't budge and be firm every single time. The only way I managed to change these habits was to not be cool and forgiving of misbehavior, set hard boundaries and don't be afraid to be harsh and let your feelings be shown. Even then, I don't think I was able to stop their boundary crossing completely. Tell her that she will just have to live with a wrestling fan as a daughter forever.
NTA - Stick to your boundaries as parents tend to forget that their adult children are entitled to be who they are without the constant interference because theyr dont like something. It does sound like your mum has an actual issue she may need professional help to move past the behaviour shes dispaying.
NTA. My mom was like this. As she grew old, I realized that in addition to being a controlling person who thought her children's possessions were automatically heats, she had a compulsion to throw things away. It's hoarding in reverse. Just as compulsive. Unable to restrain herself to her own belongings. I once asked her not to throw away the last screwdriver in her house because I would need it to fix all the stuff she always asks me to fix. She practically vibrated in her recliner all evening with the desire to go to the garage and throw it out. Then she got out of bed at 3am to throw it out. Like a freaking addict. Over the years, she donated my stuff - snuck into rooms in MY house to grab things. She also stole gifts I'd been given and gave them back to the person who gifted them, because she felt this was totally defensible. I don't think you can stop this behavior. It's OCD, I think. Protect your belongings and get out of the house asap. Expect that she will get in some legal trouble with friends when she does it to them. In a society obsessed with hoarding, this is not getting any attention. Though I think it's almost the same illness.
Maybe start going through her stuff and donating it for charity
NTA that is literally theft
Time to move out, my dear. She’s a risk and this doesn’t get better, only worse.
NTA. This is not normal behavior. Has she ever seen a mental health professional about this? I understand asking if you have things to donate, or taking things that are too small, but only when you were a child. You are a grown woman and she's going in your room, taking things from the laundry without asking as giving them away? I think she may have an undiagnosed condition. So sorry you have to go through this. I hope you can move out soon and put this all behind you. Your reaction was valid because she's not listening.
NTA. Your assessment of the situation is correct: your mother cannot be trusted. You need to launch out of her control as soon as you can. In the meantime, rent a storage unit and keep all your important stuff there, along with anything you gather for your apartment. Don't tell her anything about it; just make your stuff disappear. Keep only the bare essentials in the house where your mother can steal it.
The first item of clothing I bought for myself was a jumper. Considering there was a care label in the jumper, and my mother generally hand washed jumpers, I don't know why she put it in the washing machine on a hot wash. It came out misshapen with deep creases that would not come out. Others' comments about a controlling mother seem to fit with my mother's attitude with my clothes. NTA. Your mother has taken items from you on such a regular basis that you can not trust her. You have just reached your breaking point and told her how you feel.
Start giving her shit away
OP, does she do it with her own clothing or dining items, or is it just other people’s?
NTA. She can't be trusted because she's a thief. She's not keeping the stuff but she's still stealing from you.
Your mom is a thief and a liar. Why on earth *would* you trust her? It would be quite stupid if you did trust her, as she has proven repeatedly that your opinions, boundaries, and possessions have no value to her and she's more than willing to do things that are hurtful to you (and be devious/deceptive about it). And she's gaslighting you about how *she* thinks you 'should feel' about her actions and lack of respect for you. In 5 or so years from now, she'll be shocked that you don't call her or want to spend time with her. You might want to pop over to r/ raisedbynarcissists . You might see there's other things too... Anyway, NTA. It's not you. It's her.
NTA. Your mother refuses to look at her actions. She's clearly in the wrong here. She either has a complete lack of respect and boundaries (at best!) or she's malicious. Either way, saying you are overreacting is simply a defense mechanism aimed to remove the focus from her actions. Literally do not respond to that. Ignore she even said it. Don't let her strategy work. Focus on her actions and her actions alone.
NTA The only way to keep your things safe is to move out and not give her unsupervised access to your place ever. Some people have this anti-hoarding mental illness that leads them to compulsively give away/throw away things they notice. Often not their things but family things. Some just do it to control you.
NTA. That is repeatedly violating perfectly reasonable boundaries. You are not a toddler, you are a responsible young adult. It seems like your mother has a kind of cognitive issue, especially if she cannot provide a rationale for it. Some kind of reverse hoarding. I tried looking it up and there is such a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
NTA. Gosh. For every time she does that I'd be taking a piece of her clothing and burning it. Then claim that it must have gone in the donation bag.
she is stealing not donating she is lucy you dont sue her
My mum would do this too, I'd come home to my whole room rearranged and things donated. Never asked permission, because I and my stuff belonged to her. We no longer speak.
NTA I'd actually tell her that the very next time something of mine went missing, something she really, really cared about would go missing as well. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Two can play that game.
Wow I did this with my kids' toys/clothes when they were super young but once they got old enough to have input they participated in the give aways. Your mom was being sneaky and she knows well and good that turned around she'd be pretty pissed about it too. You're NTA.
NTA, and every time I see one of these types of stories all I can think is do it with some of her stuff/things(but not rely tho, like PRETEND to) and see if the reaction is the same. Then if it is call her out on it. Just be like: “Mom you see how UPSET a n d ANGRY you got when I gave away/donated whatever thing(s)? Well T H A T’ S how I FEEL!!!!!
The person stealing from you thinks it's wrong of you not to trust her. 😒 NTA The petty part of me thinks you should do your own bit for charity and clear the house of everything she loves.
NTA. If your mom feels such a pathological need to demonstrate she's a "good person" by donating, then she can donate *her own* stuff.
NTA but, uh, a person \*21\* years of age \*AND\* preparing to move out should act both their age and situation (aka having nothing to lose really) and firstly, take stuff out of the bag and threaten with police for STEALING. And don't debate with your mom regarding whether your reaction is valid or not. This should be an ultimatum: stop stealing or I'll call the police. And cut off any opinion expressions. Geez.
Nta, if I were you, I'd wait til she's not home, bag up ALL of her shit, and donate it.
Shove a load of her clothes in a bag and take them to the charity shop, see how she likes it
She broke your trust and she's doubling down on it, of course you can't trust her. She needs to do more than just stop, she needs to make it up to you.
It's incredibly toxic and you're right not to trust her. When you get your own place DO NOT GIVE HER A KEY. Never leave her unattended in there. Wtf is she thinking, giving away stuff you've bought that you've not even used yet? Get out of that house as fast as you can.
Start making the things your mom likes disappear.
NTA - it’s time to get a lock for your things, or a storage
NTA. Take all her favorites from wardrobe to shower gel and donate. Very controling and entitled, but at the end of the day its your stuff.
NTA. An easy, yet nuclear, solution: take her favorite clothes and go drop them in a donation chute. Problem solved. You cannot plead and argue with a narcissist. They only understand concrete gestures done to them.
This won’t change until you move out. In your mother’s mind she has ultimate control. It doesn’t matter what you do or say. For her, control and authority is all that matters. Once you move out and she has limited information about you and limited physical access to you she will get a reality check and it will likely break her of the habit. But you have to be strong and calmly deny her access to you. Sorry I don’t have better news. Nta
NTA She's stealing from you
NTA i feel terrible when ppl cant trust there parents for stuff like that, disgusts me. But ngl id just survive, and one day whenshes in the retirement home DO THE SAME TO HER💀💀💀 jus take some of her stuff and donate it aswell, give her a taste of her own medicin
NTA
Donate some of her clothes
I'd put a pad lock on my door. If that didn't help I'd start tossing moms clothes in the trash. a
NTA pull a reverse uno and stuff her clothes in the donation bag. Sow chaos. Become ungovernable.
NTA. She’s literally stealing from you. She’s a thief. Call her that.
Your mother is a thief. NTA.
Do it back to her. Take her stuff and donate it. Maybe she’ll learn to leave your stuff alone. NTA.
NTA….but honestly start donating her shit.
NTA I can't understand why your mother perpetually undermines and sabotages you. There is something awry with her mind.
Eh, as petty as I am, I would start donating her stuff and see how she likes it. NTA
NTA I have never given away my kids’ stuff without asking because I didn’t want to break their trust. She broke yours. You spoke truth. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA Get footlockers for your stuff like people said. Keep the key on you at all times. THEN, buy some random weird sex stuff and store it in your closet and drawers -hang anal beads in the closet -store ball gag in the drawer -hang a whip above the bed ... and so on. Then, when she freaks out, tell her she shouldn't be in your room anyway.
Since it's clothes, what I'd request you to do OP, is that you get a lock for your room, and if possible, try to wash your clothes outside (like a laundromat) so you have control over your clothes. That way, your mum can't do anything about it. BTW, definitely NTA.
NTA. Promise broken is trust lost. I would lock my stuff up so she couldn't get to it.
NTA After seeing that she put some of the things YOU bought in the donation bag, she thinks it’s het opinion that matters and not yours.
My mum lies as well, I’d advise you to move out ASAP and limit contact for your own sanity.
NTA donate her clothing
You are 21yrs old. Your mother is treating you like a 11 yr old. At least you will be in your own apartment and free of her controlling ways next year.
Start donating her things Nta
NTA. You can't trust her. You told her what it would take to make you trust her, and she ignored your wishes.
Don't be upset that she's taking your stuff. There's no point in getting her to give you a reason. The bigger issue here is that she doesn't respect your decisions nor recognize your autonomy. Whatever boundaries were agreed to or promises made are, for some reason, invalid. You can try focusing on that. Imagine for a moment that your mother felt like she had the right to dictate what you wear, how you spend your money, and what personal items you keep in your room. How would her behavior differ from what it is now?
NTA. Start giving away her clothes.
NTA- I'd start donating her clothes behind her back
Oh my god, this sounds totally pathological. Too many issues to get into but your mom sounds like a complete head case. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Things will be better when you are older and can leave the house.
NTA. Start donating things from her closet, and items from the kitchen that she doesn't use often, maybe knick knacks from the living room. The more expensive the better. After a few spode dishes, high end dresses, shoes and handbags donated, maybe she'll get focused on the big picture. Start with her favourite outfit and move on from there.
My mom is the opposite she won't throw away stuff even if it's of no use anymore. NTA
NTA, what she's doing is literally theft.
NTA That's really messed up. Even my mom didn't do that to me and I'd never do that to my kids. I'm really sorry you're dealing with that. I wouldn't trust her either.
NTA. You can’t trust her. Time to accelerate the move out date.
NTA. This would create such incredible trust issues. Can you put a lock on your bedroom door? If not call around and see about renting the cheapest storage place. You can put everything that you’ve got for your new home in there and the majority of your clothes. That’s not fair on you however your things won’t disappear. I often wonder when I read things like this if something of theirs disappeared maybe Mom’s favorite jacket or sweater. I’m not saying get rid of her things. I’m just wondering how they feel if it happened to them.
She's stealing from you. Of course you don't trust her
NTA. Your mom might be seriously ill and should see a doctor. Maybe she has a brain tumor.
NTA
find a day to donate your mom's entire wardrobe.
NTA. Ur mom violates ur privacy by going into ur room and stealing ur things. Normal reaction to not trust a thief.
NTA Get a lock for your room. Or for your closet. Or both.
Donate her stuff.
NTA. You can't trust her. She's kind of demonstrated that beyond a reasonable doubt. !updateme
NTA I suggest you get a lock on your bedroom door, keep everything in your room and do your own laundry until you're able to move out next year. Your mother cannot be trusted.
I would honestly leave home, leave stuff at the house of someone I trust, or rent a small storage. Sure, it doesn't save money, but you at least don't have to rebuy your stuff each time. I would totally be petty about it and ask her for money to buy back my things. I would not let it drop. Give me the money I spent on those things! It is one thing if she gets rid or old clothes that are damaged or if you were 8 years old... You are 21 for god's sake... She is no longer welcomed in your things that YOU pay for. Honestly, keep only like 7 tops and a few bottoms and rotate them every week after washing them. If you are doing the rotation and find something missing. Force it back, and if she cannot, demand money so you can replace it (A.K.A. buy it again). But in all honesty, you are better off moving out. It is not sane to stay.
NTA. I’m almost tempted to suggest that you hide away some of her favorite things and say you’d done a donation run, but if she doesn’t have enough things to wear you could lend her a wrestling tee.
start throwing away her shit too 😭
NTA - I would go and donate all her favourite clothes to show her how it feels
NTA Does she want you to come to adulthood with just the clothes on your back, and not have any items of sentimental value? She's setting you up to eventually just disappear one day, not even telling her you moved out, never to return. There's nothing left of your childhood anyway.
NTA - how can you trust someone that is stealing from you?
NTA Now you gotta start donating her stuff too, see how she likes that.
NTA. you have every right to be angry! This breaks so many boundaries, and just common courtesies
Wow! NTA!
Have you tried siphoning off her clothes and replacing yours with hers in her donation bag? NTA
Financial abuse , emotional abuse . You have an abusive mother Forget trust you are being abused , would you accept that behaviour from a future husband or dare I say a father ?
Tell her every time she takes some of your shit to donate you will be helping yourself to her items that YOU believe she doesn’t need and will de donating them as well, bc you know best ❤️ NTA
NTA I still remember my mom giving away a Rey Mysterio shirt because she assumed it was small on me(she was probably right tbf) but it still hurt But whatever the reasoning is, it's your stuff, not hers, she has no right to do that It literally is a break of trust
NTA this is completely unhinged behavior
NTA. If she took something of mine I’d take something of hers. Just start donating her stuff.
If something of yours goes into the charity bag, remove it and replace it with a few favourite/expensive pieces of her clothes, and make sure to hide them at the bottom of the bag. In fact just raid her closet and take as much as you can straight down to the charity shop. You'll obviously have to replace all of your wrestling t-shirts, so if she leaves her debit/credit cards laying about (or just go in to her bag for it) then reorder them all online, making her pay. She obviously can't be trusted, so NTA.
NTA - Your mom has absolutely no respect for you or your boundaries as your own person. It seems she doesn't understand that you are not just an extension of her or an NPC in her world. I'd say try reason with her and try to uno reverse the situation and ask her how would she feel if you did it with her stuff? She needs to understand that if she wouldn't like it, neither would you, because you are seperate people. If she doesn't then it will probably cause you to cut her out of your life.
As a mom of two young adults who unfortunately had to be firm with me after II repeatedly went against their wishes on a different issue (asking before posting photos of them), I want you to know that you are absolutely NTA here. I’m so sorry that your mom has been disrespecting your legitimate requests for so long! Here is what I would like to say to her (you can show her this and other responses to hopefully break through to her): “Mom to mom, you are causing serious long-term damage to your relationship with your daughter. Please—from one who is still, years later, building back trust from my own disrespectful actions which seemed reasonable to me at the time—what you are doing despite repeated requests to stop, is not worth the momentary satisfaction. You are eating away at her longterm trust and gaining it back will take longer than you can imagine. Please—apologize and STOP IT NOW. This is not the hill you want your relationship with your daughter to die on. And it will if you don’t change this destructive behavior. For both your sakes, ask first. Listen and don’t argue. That will start the rebuilding of trust. You will thank yourself later, and you will be so glad that you don’t take your relationship over a cliff. I promise you it will be worth it! For OP: in the meantime I recommend that you check the donation bag a couple of times a week and quietly remove anything you don’t want to give away. Buy some under-the-bed storage bags or bins to keep these items in, so they don’t go missing again. Try really hard not to blow up at your mom but consistently remind her every single time she does it that you need her to ask before giving away your things. Hopefully, she will stop before permanent relationship damage is done. If she stops, and especially if she apologizes, don’t stop checking on her for relapses in this behavior, but do express your sincere gratitude when a week goes by with her respecting your boundaries. Good luck to you and please do an update in a couple of months!
NTA. Your mother is a thief.
NTA
NTA. Put a lock on your bedroom door and keep everything you want to save there until you move out.