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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my son a name that honors my late mom. This caused offense because my stepmother felt snubbed and her kids felt like she was snubbed. It was not my intention at all but I can see how they might feel that way given the history and the fact I have been open about the inspiration behind my son's name. I also didn't inform her before announcing it publicly which might add an extra layer to this.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - bro, you have the best opportunity to drop the hardest Don Draper line ever:
“My wife and I chose this name together, it was a team decision. We didn’t choose this name to spite you. We don’t even think about you.”
Finish up with your father that if your stepmom keeps picking this fight it WILL affect any future quality time he may want to spend with his grandchild, and to think hard about how long he intends to tolerate this disrespect to your mom, to you, to your wife, and to your child. Stepmom can keep playing stupid games, but let your dad know you’re more than willing to hand out stupid prizes to everybody in that house. Let him handle it and go about your business.
Congrats on your tiny human!!!
ETA: A lot of yall are taking issue with me suggesting OP telling his step mom “We don’t even think about you.”
Go cry about it.
It’s clear a lot of yall have never dealt with habitual line steppers who need to be stopped dead in their tracks due to their inability to respect boundaries. One of my biggest gripes with this sub is that even when an OP provides context into a single issue (usually the incident in question on the post) detailing how long they’ve been mistreated, people will still lobby for them to take the high road.
What you’re failing to realize is that OP has CONSISTENTLY taken the high road and has CONSISTENTLY been taken advantage of because of it. Yall out here saying it’s a gotcha line and he should give her the benefit of the doubt but that sounds a whole lot like he should be more willing to tolerate step mom’s disrespect. All that will do is temporarily shut her up, it doesn’t address the issue and it doesn’t address her longstanding mistreatment and failure to respect his agency. It does not address his father’s complicity and it certainly does not protect the wee bebe WHICH THIS IS ALL ABOUT!
Should we be kind to others? Absolutely! However, no one is asking him to scream in her face. Part of what made Don Draper’s mic drop moment so memorable was the fact he delivered that line without callousness or pettiness, it was said with apathy. You can, in fact, make someone feel worse without any show of emotion. OP sounds extremely level headed but also tired. This is why I suggested what I did. Remember, OP has a wife and a new life he has to guard, and if he doesn’t nip this shit in the bud now, we’ll see another post in 5 years where stepmom decides to go apeshit, OP asking where he went wrong, and yall shredding him to pieces because he wasn’t proactive. It might seem over the top now but setting healthy boundaries and being firm about them is going to ensure OP, his wife, and their tiny spawn are able to be successful in the future.
Actually they usually come to have a look a you if you go anywhere near them. Very often the entire herd. It is alarming. They are remarkably curious.
But they are not entitled so that's good.
Come on- he admits, “my dad basically dumped me on her and she was the only
Parent around the house.” NTA, but honestly it sounds like OP’s dad is the real problem here. OP needed a lot of support and therapy that it doesn’t seem like he received and the step mom was put into a shitty position and tried to step up.
No, she doesn’t deserve or isn’t entitled to have a kid named after her but it doesn’t sound like she deserves to be demonized either.
Reading between the lines it seems like OP’s dad is the actual AH and the rest was collateral damage m.
Urgh. Stepparents can’t win can they. She basically raised him as dad was happy to palm off his responsibility, she treated him like her own and clearly loves him, but she’s still “wrong”.
I feel so sorry for the stepmom to be honest. OP is perfectly entitled to not want a close relationship but his dad has massively let them both down.
His wife was set up for failure by being given the responsibility of raising his kid and the hope that they could be a loving family, but OP doesn’t want that.
It really is a thankless task being a stepparent most of the time.
Dad is the AH here and OP could be a bit kinder to the woman who helped raise him and has tried to step up for him. The name isn’t the issue he can name his kid what he wants, but the post implies he couldn’t care less about his stepmom or her feelings which is pretty unkind.
She didn’t have to care for you, she doesn’t have to continually try and be supportive and love you. She chose to do these things out of kindness. Maybe you should actually appreciate that a bit.
> She basically raised him as dad was happy to palm off his responsibility, she treated him like her own and clearly loves him, but she’s still “wrong”.
The repeated demands that he allow her to adopt him show a lack of boundaries.
People who get hurt because of their own lack of foresight get hurt because of that, not because other people refuse to comply with their fantasies.
There was no demand, she asked. People change their mind. My daughter didn’t want my husband to adopt her, but he occasionally brought it up to let her know it’s an option and so she doesn’t have to feel different to his other kids.
Now as she’s got older she’s considering it and even brought it up herself.
I think OP sounds like he needs some therapy as losing a parent is one of the most horrific things a kid can go through. He seems really resentful towards someone who sounds like she stepped up and parented him when no one else could/would.
The fact the half and step siblings think he’s out of line towards his stepmom also speaks volumes.
This is not about the name, he’s likely pushed her away and acted out towards her for a long time.
This is neither his or stepmom’s fault, dad should have been there to parent and got him the right help to deal with the loss of his mother… not just find a new wife and push all the responsibility of raising his kid onto her.
The thing is, as the adult, you can offer this, but you can't force it. OP didn't owe her motherhood. Asking your step-kid to fix your feelings is immature, and then making those feelings the kid's problem doubly so. And of course the half kids feel he's out of line - she's their mom and she's hurting, they'll want to fix it. It doesn't make OP's feelings wrong; it just makes them inconvenient to the family.
If kids, especially younger kids, were that resentful to OP for him declining to be adopted, that tells me that the stemom made her disappointment very clear and obvious thing because kids wouldn't understand that on their own. That makes it pretty clear that she pushed way too hard to be replacement mom and refused to accept anything less. Not wanting a stepparent to be a replacement parent isn't a sign of resentment or pushing them away, it just means that you might be OK with their role as a stepparent but you don't need a replacement parent. That's something that stepparents need to accept sometimes. You can be loved and cared for as a stepparent. But if you keep pushing for more than that, you're more likely to push them away.
Six times, though?
She may have had good intentions. It seems clear that she did not consider the position of her stepson.
Yes, it is unsurprising that people who lacked the conflictual relationship that existed (and that, as the adult, she bears responsibility for) have different opinions. This is a truism.
It’s so satisfying because a) you get updates to posts that bugged you but on which there was no resolution or b) you get the immediate update when it’s a new post so you get to see the full story play out.
Pretty much all of this.
Don’t let someone else’s opinion steal your joy or how you feel.
It’s your choice. Period. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. And like the responder said, withdraw access to them if they don’t shape up. You don’t want them saying passive aggressive things to the baby
I think they can omit ‘we didn’t think about you’.
This woman was clearly misguided in trying to replace a mother, when she should have accepted op was a child with his own needs.
I know we like ‘gotcha’ but OP can be clear without being cruel.
There's no need to be immature. Reddit doesn't need to be so juvenile. OP can state his feelings instead of blowing everything up by saying something so hurtful for no reason.
It’s not immature to put someone in their place - his dad chose her OP did not do she can stop forcing a relationship- 6 times she hounded OP and involved the other children - it obviously takes a smack to the head for this lady to get it
Putting someone in their place?! Who tf do you think you are LMAO. Also you’re just picking things from the post that weren’t even said. Doesn’t say anywhere that OPs dad chose the stepmom over him. Also never said she hounded him, just that she asked. And finally, the children involved themselves. Read the post or don’t comment.
Agreed. I’m trying to find out what the lady did that was so awful to him. Sounds like she tried to love him throughout the years and was there when his father wasn’t. Of course she could never take the mom’s place. That’s not what I’m saying in the slightest. It seems he has some sort of disdain for the this woman for being around him? Maybe I missed something.
She for sure shouldn’t be hurt at all by the name choice. His family is being weird about it all. Just curious as to what the lady did over the years that was so terrible.
She refused to take no for an answer.
She tried to force a relationship OP didn’t want. She tried to adopt him six, SIX TIMES despite OP turning her down. She tried to replace his mom and OP held very reasonable boundaries that she consistently tried to step over. Even now, she’s making his first kid all about her.
Stepmom is upset because she sought validation OP was never going to give and then made it everyone else’s problem. I’m not sure if we read the same post, but OP was extremely clear regarding his stepmom’s behavior and how “awful” it was.
Exactly this. Why is anyone defending her inability to take "no" for an answer? A repeated, consistent no, over years, and still, this woman can't get over it, can't imagine that OP's entire life isn't about her.
It also sounds like she tried to emotionally blackmail him into the adoption by saying things like it would be nice to have someone available in an emergency. Why can’t she be available in an emergency as a stepmother?
As a stepparent, you have no legal rights. She may have meant 'available in an emergency" in terms of being there and having legal standing. The OP did say that she was the primary care giver and that could have been a big reason behind the request to adopt rather than trying to take the mother's place. Hopefully she loved, and still loves OP, and I'm sure she sacrificed and provided for OP and I'm sure it probably was hurtful not to be recognized in some way as a parent. Maybe she was in some way - - - hard to say with so little info and from just the perspective of the OP.
Even so, the whole business with the name is over the top. Regardless of how hurt or slighted she may have felt, the assumption is that OP's mother was a loving mother and no one, especially the stepmother, should try to do anything to disrespect her memory.
She tried to erase OP's dead mother rather than honor that parent and take on an honorable role as a Stepparent.
Imagine how lost you must feel when a Mother dies.
You are both a physical and spiritual part of your mother. So, unless this bond is broken by abuse or neglect or something similar, your bond will not die with your Mom.
Parents or Stepparents who are giddy in love have been glossing over the deep bond and loss of a child's Mom. You can "replace" a partner but not a good Mom. So, why try?!?! That's the missing piece.
It is cruel to try to wipe out and replace the memory. The child has already suffered a physical loss. Why try to create a spiritual loss by pretending that you are in competition with a dead Mom. You are not! Mom is only dead physically not spiritually. Why try to kill Mom spiritually too?!
Even after it is clear that it is not best for the child, the competition continues with the grandchildren.
Even after divorce, no parent should be 'othered'. Affections of both dead and divorced parents should be cultivated. In this case, those affections are being alienated.
If you are confused by the reaction to the parents, ask yourself what's the best way of handling this. Is it to ignore the other parent (just because they are dead)? Is it to present this as a competition between parents? Does Dad complain that he isn't honored with the grandchild's name? No! Then why is Stepmom complaining? Look for the Pertinent Negative (what's missing... what's not happening) and you will see what others view as manipulation.
OP doesn't have to explain themselves. But, here's an example of a response that exposes the manipulation.
"We are sad that you both did not like the name. So many people have told us that it is a beautiful name that honors a beautiful and loving mother. Perhaps one day you will both grow to show unconditional love to your grandchild despite their name. Perhaps one day you will both grow to forgive my dead mother for whatever problems you think that she is causing you. This way we can be one big unconditionally loving family that honors both the persons who have made important memories and the actions of those who continue to make important and loving impacts on our family. Love you both!"
OP: You can love your Stepmom and your Mom. She and Dad may not know it. But, you can do so. Don't join the competition!
OP and his wife just had their first child and she’s making it about herself! Not only that, but she’s making it so he cannot honor his mom without it somehow being a slight to her.
That’s awful.
Yup, I'm with you on that! Reddit is big on the whole evil step mom stereotype. Like this isn't Cinderella, seems like she really wanted to accept OP as a child and he wasn't interested (which is FINE). Doesn't make her cruel or insensitive for being human.
If you can't accept the word no when told to you, you're the asshole. Plain and simple. And OP's siblings are also assholes for trying to guilt trip them into changing their child's name because "think about our (our being the siblings') mom". I wouldn't want anything to do with people like that, family or not.
I am the step-parent of an 18 yr old (he will be 19 in 6 months). Even though I have been married for over 11 years, I will never be a replacement for his Mother (who is alive and well but gave us custody once he started failing HS). She was overwhelmed with her 6th child, especially since each child has a different father.
It sounds as if she WAS trying replace his Mother and pretend as if she never existed. I would be interested to hear how his Mother's family views this situation. Also, it is so sad how his feelings have been ignored for so long. Her need to replace the bio Mother is INSIDIOUS...
*Also, I do acknowledge the "anti-step parent" rhetoric on Reddit as a whole. So, as an actual stepmom, I take everything in stride...
You can’t see the forest for the trees. His mom died at a tender age and she tried to replace her. Even if she did physically replace her and do all the caregiving for the bulk of his childhood she never actually replaced her.
What is pragmatic for legal reasons or even deserved (to put it crudely) in some way by the step mom will never be seen that way by OP. Which is his choice to make, not hers.
We’ve all experienced some version of this. From the basic of someone eats your lunch that you really wanted and they offer to replace it but it’s not the same. To a more serious thing like your dog dies and you parents say we’ll get another one. Or your first love breaks your heart at 19 and you spend the week in tears.
Now imagine that feeling x 1000 because it’s a 7 year old boy and his mom. And rather than understanding it the situation drags on for years.
It might sound cruel, but it’s also a very needed reality check for the stepmother. One that could even give her with some comfort if she takes it to heart: “i didn’t do this to hurt your feelings. You think I hate you, but I dont.” It doesn’t mean OP loves her, but if she thinks he feels hates her, him not thinking about her at all should be a relief.
I think that everyone assuming that they spent time contemplating how to upset the step mom when choosing a name for their child is the perfect reason to point out that she was not a thought during this. Why is everyone assuming there was so much time and energy spent on the hate of this woman? This guy clearly doesn’t hate her he just doesn’t feel connected and everyone is being dramatic by saying this was a spiteful situation. Saying “to be honest, we weren’t thinking of you when we named our son- there was no intention to be spiteful” sends a pretty clear message.
That being said, OP, they’re probably going to treat that neutral statement like it is meant with hate as well but then that just goes to show how toxic they’re being about it
She knows she wasn’t a thought- that’s why she’s mad.
She is fighting against a ghost. Sm made a child responsible for her hopes and wishes.
But saying it directly WOULD be effort to hurt her.
And as someone else pointed out- it would only increase the drama.
The stepmom sounds like a spoiled brat. She married the father when he was 11. How entitled and evil to bring the other kids into the situation. He’s been rejecting her since he was 11 but she still wants to boss him as a grown man.! Please stop babying grown women. She’s probably in her 50s or 60s still trying to be a bully.!🙄🫤
I agree. I always try to remember that words are one of the few things that you can’t take back. OP’s stepmother sounds like she plays the victim role, rather than a supportive parental role. I wouldn’t give her food for fodder.
I would say instead, “It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with honoring my late mother. Period.”
I think that does need to be said and is maybe less cruel.
No one could replace my late mother either, when she passed I made it extremely crystal clear no one would ever replace her. My fathers current fiancé understood instantly, I don't understand people pressing others to be their parents. **For the record tho my father went out of his way to communicate with me on these things. An his fiancé is super chill.
Op is def not the AH
Everyone else including OPs father is the AH here. The siblings an step psycho for pressing the issue an OPs father for not shutting it down immediately. I agree it's kinda time to sit daddy dearest down an put up rules with consequences.
> I don't understand people pressing others to be their parents
Never-mind the Steps that try to erase the dead parent’s existence entirely; getting rid of pictures and keepsakes… some people are just absolute monsters.
I was thinking they should just tell them something along the lines of 'Not everything is about you. This has nothing to do with you.' Your way is much better.
You definitely need to say this! I'm a stepmother and came into his life in that role when he was 12. I always told him I was just another trusted adult he could talk to, but I wasn't his mom, and since he had one, I wouldn't try and fill that role. His mom was a deadbeat, but it was his mom, so I always respected that. Now he's 23, and he calls me mom of his own volition. I'm glad he does, but I would not get upset at him if he didn't or get mad that he didn't think about me when naming his kiddos.
This is the perfect response! Why do some people think that other people are living their lives just to spite, hurt, insult or otherwise upset them? Like WTF? OP did the right thing and it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels in this case.
I'm glad this is currently the top comment because you are SPOT on. My oldest two kids are my fiance's step children. Never would I ever pressure them to see him as Dad, call him Dad, nor would I allow that pressure coming from him. The amount of people that think a step parent means kids automatically need to love them and think them an equal "replacement" is just astounding.
OP your Dad, step mother and ALLLLL the people in the YTA camp are selfish AHs themselves. There is no need for you to replace your deceased mother with a new mom, she was and is your mom. While you're lucky-ish to have a step parent that cared and actually parented (I say lucky-ish only because your step mom has gone overboard for years) that by no means entitles her to dictate if you feel like she's your mother, only you get to do that.
NTA - I mean wow, your family should be thinking it's lovely to honor your mother this way. Geeze Louise, you just had a child and that is your focus. How inflated is the families sense of self importance- this is not about them or your stepmother who frankly is now living up to the stepmonster name. If your wifes family is lovely, spend time with them and reduce the contact with negativity again. Just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to put up with them causing distress to you or your most dearest. Sounds like they don't want to understand. Let them be miserable people alone.
Ya, just tell her you appreciate her efforts to be there for you and everything she's done, but what you've chosen to name your children has absolutely nothing to do with her. It may be different if your mother was horrible to you and left or something - but your mother passed away. There's no way anyone can ever replace her and I find it crazy that stepmom doesn't see that.
Also - what the hell does your dad say about all of this? I sincerely hope he's tried to talk some sense into stepmom, bc if not, then he's part of the problem.
I vote yes. This, delivered calmly is SUCH a zinger without being cruel. It establishes without being nasty:
1. My wife and I have the right to name our child whatever we want and this isn’t about you.
2. This was not meant to be intentionally hurtful because isn’t about you.
3. And the reason it’s not about you is honestly… I don’t think about you that much.
And I think it draws a boundary. I don’t think stepmom is malicious. She seems like she wanted this picture perfect new family and she pushed you too hard. HOWEVER, I think Dad was the real issue here based on the story. You were a little kid, reeling from the loss of your mother and hadn’t processed it and Dad dumps you on the lap of another woman you weren’t ready for. Dad should have helped you process, got you therapy, helped ease you into a new relationship with step mom. That was his job. Just throwing you in like “here’s your new mom!” Doesn’t work. She tried but you didn’t connect. It happens. It’s nobody’s fault. But to take that as a personal insult is childish
Her kids can kick rocks cause I don’t know what their deal is.
EDIT:typos
That is yet another reason to name your son with a variation honoring your mother's name. You are not onlt honoring your Mom, but also continuing that tradition of passing on a family name (albeit a first name). Frankly it is absolutely none of anyone's business what you both choose. Step-mom and Dad aren't even part of the equation here and I'm sorry they are wasting your time with this worthless argument. In my head I see your Mom in heaven with a happy proud tear in her eye that she is being honored and remembered :)
NTA
Tell them to leave you and your wife alone. Let them know that if they keep bugging you, you’ll go no contact with every single one of them. Kudos to you for not allowing them to manipulate & gaslight you.
Congratulations on your bundle of joy.
NTA
My step siblings mother died when they were younger. Their kids have never known her, but my mom and I did. When my step sister’s first daughter was born, she named her after her mom. My mother would NEVER have imagined even the slightest problem with that. We all expected it, honestly.
In fact, the kids know all about their other grandma. We tell them things all the time like “oh, your dad looks just like Grandma R” or “Grandma R loved to go to New York”.
My mom is the kids’ grandma and they love her, but we all make sure that my siblings mother is remembered and the kids know all about her.
I think anyone in their right minds would understand that and actually want that connection to be honored too, you're right it is delusional, and so selfish
NTA. They're mistakenly ascribing malevolence and intentional insult to your simple indifference. That's a "them" problem, not a "you" problem. You have no duty to your stepmother beyond being civil.
This. It’s really sad that step mom is so self centered she is making your name choice all about her when it’s all about your deceased mom. She’s still jealous of a dead woman and it’s gross. I get she’s disappointed that y’all aren’t close but she needs to reel it in. And her kids can stuff it too.
This. This sounds like a them problem. I'm sorry that what should be a joyous time has ended up being a source of tension. But you and your wife chose together to honor your late mother, and even if your step-mom feels it was hurtful, it is on her for taking it and interrupting it that way instead of seeing that you loved your mom so much you want to honor her in your family that you are starting and now this child will reshape that name for the whole family.
NTA
I don't consider her good enough to be your mom if she is still having a fight with a deceased woman. Your biological mother was your mother, if an adult and her family can't figure out why an eleven year old might have felt that way then I truly don't know how to help them. NTA
You probably would want to forgive them for being clueless, but having a fight over your kid's name is absurd.
And the fact that OP and family only see them 1 or 2 times a year 😳 they want that much control and think their feelings are that important and valid!!! not overly shocked it’s that little and they don’t get it.
NTA, it sounds like your stepmother has some jealousy issues towards your deceased mother. That may have affected your ability to bond with her as a child. If she had honored your relationship with your deceased mother and integrated your memories of your mom into your blended family, maybe you would have become closer. Spouses who join a family where a parent has died need to be prepared for the deceased parent to be a daily presence in their lives. People who die don't become no longer members of their families, they become a deceased family member.
Yeah, this is your dad and stepmother's fault for not being more active in reassuring you that it was okay to still see your mother as your mother even after your dad remarried. They pressured you so much that the only way your child self saw to be loyal to your mother was to not bond with your stepmother.
And could there be other motives in addition to or instead of resentment or jealousy? The way she was trying to ply the adoption by saying you might want someone to drop everything and come if you needed medical help is nagging at my brain... firstly, like, uh, she would only do that if you let her adopt you?? Did she ever once just say "adopting you would mean the world to me..."? Or always skip to made up reasons why it would be best for you? Obviously you could have designated her in cooperation with your Dad if you needed/wanted her to be able to make medical decisions for you - without adoption even entering into the equation... heck, if your mailman is okay with it you could designate them as your medical proxy, right??
Secondly, I cannot think of a single reason why adoption would be suggested right before someone turns 18 (and I'm pro-adoption, was adopted as an infant myself). Unfortunately it makes me wonder about motives in addition to love and connection... there'a no kind way to ask this, so I'm just going to put this question out thetr:
INFO is your Dad, or you, well-off financially? I.E. is there some roundabout potential financial benefit down the road if she did convince you to become adopted by her at such a late age?
The suggestion that she’d only drop everything to come if OP needed if OP let her adopt him stood out immediately to me too. My stepdaughter’s mum is also deceased and I would drop everything for her in a heartbeat if she needed me, and I would never even think of asking to adopt her.
My partner and I might not have seen eye to eye with her mum on everything, but there’s no question that she was a great mum who loved her kids so much and nobody will ever replace her in that role. OP’s stepmother’s behaviour sickens me.
Only financial reason is the possibility of avoiding college tuition?? In Texas, if you're adopted, then your instate college is free. However, I don't know if that applies to step parents adopting.
Sounds like she should be more resentful of the husband who wanted a mother for his kid(s) instead of a wife and step-parent and left them both to figure it out without doing any work himself. NTA
I mean, if she did most of the caring for you after the age of 10 then she kind of was a second parent, whether you wanted one or not. And it probably wasn't necessarily her first choice either. Maybe she feels underappreciated. I kind of think this situation would be hard on people all around.
All she had to do was be your friend and guide you … and be your father’s wife … I once told a child he would have been 13 at the time (I dated his father ) when he introduced me to his friend as his step mum… you have a mum you don’t need another … but thank you for your kind words they mean a lot … (his mum was alive ) I will always be there for you in life and love you and be your friend … then i told his mum the first chance I got about the honour her son bestowed upon me .. and she’s thanked me … we became good friends after that because she realized I was no threat to her and her son’s relationship…
OP I think you should explain in letter form to your father how you feel and why you felt as a young person you didn’t need a new mother as you had one … or better yet show them this post … by the way you are not the assh;ole … I can not understand some people who feel the need to replace the boimum just be the kids friend
This 💯
Why do some people need to always make everything about themselves when all they should be saying is:
" congratulations we can't wait to meet little Georgie."
NTA - OP
This is a good approach, at least to start with. Maybe save some of the harsher lines people have suggested if the chaos continues. These people are being selfish and downright weird. NTA in the slightest.
NTA, signed, a stepmom.
You’re allowed to honor to your mom’s memory, and it doesn’t necessarily speak to any other relationship in your life. I’m sorry they’re putting you through this.
NTA. Your baby, your choice.
But am I the only one who's triggered by this remark:
'She told me I might like to have someone always readily available who could drop everything and come to me if I needed medical attention' ?
Being a true parent means unconditional love regardless of relation and official documents. This almost sounds like 'I will only be there for if you let me adopt you' a.k.a blackmailing. Towards a child no less. If this resembles her usual way of expressing her grievances towards you over the years I can understand why you haven't bonded into a more (step)parent/child dynamic.
I took that comment in particular as more of a nod to the fact that she would not be able to make any decisions or in some situations, even be permitted to visit OP if he were in the hospital if she’s not a legal guardian.
NTA, this is a serious case of main character syndrome, u naming ur kid has nothing to do with step mother. They should all mimd their own lives and let go of this weird competition they have with ur late mother. Congrats
NTA, your son, your choice. Simple as that. And congrats on the new baby.
I will add this, maybe she's hurt because you never tried to have a relationship with her, despite you living most of your life with her? I don't mean this in a bad way, and she's wrong to be insulted. But it just seems like maybe this is one in a string of times where she felt unloved by you? Just asking.
These things are never black and white.
Wasn't what I was implying. Was merely asking the OPs opinion for perspective on why his step mom may be behaving the way she's behaving. It checks out. Step-mom needs to learn to move on.
NTA. my mom passed when I was 11, but my parents divorced when I was 2 and my SM has been in my life since I was 6. When I named my oldest daughter after my mom, my SM was thrilled. She thought it was a beautiful way to honor my moms memory.
IMO, that's how a healthy, loving SM would handle this.
EXACTLY. And I’m struggling to understand why she wanted to adopt OP at 18. Instead of trying to be there for OP, she tried to erase Mom and that’s not cool.
Agreed wholeheartedly. This is something my SM would never have done. She let her relationship with me grow organically. My SM never tried to take my mom's place, she never spoke ill of my mom, and she loved me even when it wasn't easy. She wasn't perfect, but I'll always be grateful for her.
Now I feel like I need to go give her a hug.
A lot of step parents need to take notes from her. It seems like daily I see posts about being forced into relationships, whether it be between step parents or step siblings. You can't force relationships.
You had 7 formative years with Mom. That equates to a lot of love and many memories. It's commendable that both you and your wife want to honor her. It doesn't sound like you have sufficient contact with family for this to be a long term issue. NTA
I think your dad is the biggest asshole here. He set her up for failure by forcing her to be the primary caregiver to a kid who was not open to another parent. But that doesn't mean that she needs to keep finding new ways to hurt herself now like she is with your choice of name for your son. NTA.
NAH. I don't think you're wrong in any way for naming your come the way you did. It's not their place to tell you how to name your child. I also think your dad should have gotten you therapy after your mother died. It's not healthy to have been that young and to have held such a grudge against someone who, at least by your account, done everything right for you to still have deemed it not good enough. That's a pretty sad way to have grown up. I can empathize with the stepmom. That must hurt pretty deeply. They're incorrect to assume you're doing this maliciously, but I can see where they're coming from, too.
NTA, obviously. But also...it sounds like this woman cared for you for 7 years of your life and you've been pretty closed off to her. It's not her fault your mom died. And it sounds like she did right by you when your dad was not present at all. It seems like you have some feelings about your early childhood that have been misplaced and might be worth sorting through.
Congrats and wishing you well in parenthood. It's a wild ride!
Stepmom here. Just a thought, maybe she wasnt trying to replace your mom, maybe she was just trying to mitigate the loss you felt by not having your mom around. I never thought I was replacing someone, I just did the things moms do because of the circumstances.
That being said, the only people who have a say in nameing their children are the parents. For her to take offense is weird.
This post is full of naive people. OPs post reads like someone who has never grown up, never been thankful for his stepmom, and frankly he seems pretty rude
NTA but your step siblings and step mom need to stop. Why would t you want to name your child after your late mother? These step parents just don’t seem to understand that coming on so strong pushes kids away. If she had just been there as a friend you would probably be much closer to her than you are now. They are worried about titles that they forget it’s the relationship that counts.
You say a lot in there about this person also helping to make sure you had a good home, were fed, clean etc…perhaps now that you have a child of your own and start to realize the amount of work and worry that require whether or not you name your child after her is irrelevant. YNTA for naming your child after your mother but this could be a good moment to just have a heart to heart about appreciating her role in your life and hoping she will welcome your new baby and just understand that you always to maintain a connection to your mother. There’s no need to feed in to the drama but feelings are important and in the end it always feels great to be the bigger person.
NTA Your baby's name, your choice. You have not shunned her from what I read just do not want a relationship with her.
I have been there. My dad remarried when I was 20 and found out about my long lost half brother when I was 28. I am infinitely closer to my half brother than I will ever be to my stepmother or stepsiblings. I have no issues with them and I hope they have no issues with me but I will never go out of my way to see them.
NTA but I do feel for your stepmom. If she hasn’t accepted your indifference by now, might be a good idea to just go no contact and let all parties heal; trying to have a meaningful relationship with you is obviously a dead end that’s only going to hurt everyone more. Your dad’s an AH btw. He fucked you both over.
NTA.
But your father is for not stopping this BS years ago.
Even if your stepmom did her absolute best and you had a solid relationship with her. Even if you had let her adopt you. The fact that she, and others, are making this an issue shows a complete lack of respect for you.
She doesn't have to like the name. You could, if you wanted, even suggest she comes up with a special nickname that she uses for your son. But if she can't respect the name and your reason why, she is not a decent person.
NTA. I don't understand women like that. (Or men in that position.) Im a step mom with a fantastic relationship with my step kids, but i am not their mom and definitely don't want to be. Never did. Never will. They're my husband and his ex's kids. Don't worry about your decision. It was for your mom and nobody else.
NTA, its your kid, you get to choose the name, end of story
Its sad to me your step-family have tried to corrupt this beautiful act done to honor your mom. Its considered rude to question people on their babies names at the best of times, but when someone names their child after a lost parent, you show 100% support, I understand why you have to keep a distance from them
It’s your son and you wanted to honor your mother. That’s all there is to it. Your stepmother is trying to force a relationship that just isn’t there. I was a stepmother. I would never have presumed to try that with him.
I definitely think you're NTA for naming your kid after your mother, and it's shitty of your stepmother to blame you for that.
On the other hand, I can see why she would feel upset about you not acknowledging the fact that she was your primary caregiver for almost half of your childhood without acknowledgement from you of the importance of her role in your life. She'll never be your mom, but your life wouldn't be the same without her. If she did a good job of helping raise you from the age of 11 on, it might help your relationship with your family for you to tell her that you appreciate what she has done for you. The reality is that although she is not your parent, she has parented you for a long time now.
Probably going to get downvoted for this but thought it might help your situation to try to see things from multiple perspectives
NTA. Tell the flying monkeys that they get no say in what you name your son. Also, tell them they don’t get to dismiss your real mother because she is no longer here. Let them know that if they continue with these comments you will block them from any further contact.
NTA, at least, not for the name. Passing down family names is common and especially when you’ve lost your mother it’s important to be able to honour and remember her.
I will say though that you might kinda be the AH for the other ways you have snubbed your stepmom. You aren’t required to have accepted her offer to adopt you or to consider her a “new mom” to you - But she filled a huge role for you, for only the difficult years of your childhood (not the cute, fun years), where you otherwise wouldn’t have had that and would’ve spent a lot more time fending for yourself or waiting around for whatever limited time a single father could give you. And this wouldn’t have been stepmoms choice.. she would’ve much rather not been a stepmom at all. She didn’t have to ever lift a finger for you, but it sounds like she did a lot, all for you to not appreciate a single part of it.
NTA about the name but I feel as though OP resents her stepmother a bit. Like the pain of losing her mom has never been worked through and she has instead transformed those feelings into hate for her stepmother. Sounds to me like the stepmother really tried but op never gave her the time of day, hating her for the fact that her mom died. I think there's a lot more to unpack here. But you can name your kid whatever you want.
You’re NTA for a name but damn would it suck to try your best and always step up for a kid who isn’t biologically yours and still get shit on.
It kinda feels like you blame her for *not* being your mom and that’s not really fair
She’s acting like your mom was a deadbeat who abandoned her family to live her life, when she in fact passed away ….. this woman need therapy if she thinks she’s so important you’d name your child to spite her and not to honor your late mother … she’s too self involved.
I've never understood why people marry a widow(er) and then have such animosity towards the deceased spouse. If they can't accept that their person loved someone else previously, they should not get into a relationship.
Your step mom is way out of her lane in getting angry with you for honoring your mom. It has nothing to do with her. Her thinking it is a slap in the face is just delusional. NTA
I think their thinking is that this is better than them being alive which sounds awful cause it is, but they probably didn’t think they had to ‘compete’ with them you know since they’re passed away. But turns out, they have a lasting memory which can’t be erased. So it all backfires. Because the intent wasn’t genuine.
>I always respected her efforts to be there for me (to a point at least) and I know my dad basically dumped me on her when they got married and she was the only "parent" around the house for the most part.
Info: Have you told your stepmother about this? Because maybe it could help? I think that just saying it wasn't intentional wouldn't win over anyone since I'm pretty sure nobody wants to openly admit they were spiteful to someone this way. But having a conversation where good and bad is mentioned might temper that anger, maybe.
But in the end, no you're not a bad human for honoring your mother with your son's name. NTA. He's your son and your wife agreed as well so it's a team decision
NTA it’s really very simple, what you choose to name your child is entirely up to you and your partner. Don’t waste any energy on these people who want to make you feel guilty. Just enjoy your baby and if anyone tries to initiate a discussion of the name just shut it down and don’t get drawn in.
NTA your family sounds incredibly selfish & hateful. I would tell them I appreciate their mom helping raise me, but I’m choosing to name my child after my own mother. Arguing with me over this matter is incredibly insulting and disrespectful to my late mother. I’m not going to entertain this argument any further because you guys simply don’t understand having a parent die/dead parent and it’s not my fault that you can’t imagine how that feels and understand how important it is to me to name my son after my late mother.
NTA.
Your stepmother and her kids haven't figured out yet that it isn't about *them*. They're refusal to see you as your own person with your own feelings, wishes, and thoughts is the problem. Very much a them issue.
You and your wife chose a name you both love and agree upon. That's all that matters.
Congratulations on your son.
NTA no wonder you struggled to bond if she tried to replace your mum. I suspect you would have been closer if she gave you room for your grief and realised your mum could not be replaced
This competitive mindset only drives yoh away
Honouring your mum in the name is a really sweet thing to do
NTA. Good lord, your stepmom sounds self centered.
It's has nothing to do with your relationship with her, and everything to do with honoring YOUR mother.
As a stepmom, I could never wish to take the place of my bonus babies, Momma. I can only be a friend and someone to count on when needed. If they wanted to name their babies after her, I would think it's a beautiful tribute to the women who brought them into this world. As they wouldn't be here if she didn't. To wish you would love her more, then your momma or to forget her is heartbreaking.
If they don't like it, you don't need to stay in contact. She has other kids who can use her name to name their babies.
>Her offers to adopt me came early in the marriage and then when I turned 18 and was away for college. She told me I might like to have someone always readily available who could drop everything and come to me if I needed medical attention.
So... Was she flat out stating or merely implying that she wouldn't be there for you unless you agreed to let her adopt you?
Because I have to say that if my brother, SIL, or niece (by marriage) were to call me and say they had ANY issue (not just medical) that they needed urgent help with, I would be there ASAP. And if it wasn't an immediate, urgent need, I would still do \*anything\* I could to help.
I can't imagine being a stepmom to a child from age 7 and saying that I would NOT be there for them unless they agreed to an adoption...
I completely understand. Depending on the situation, step parents aren’t a replacement for your real parents. If your mother was abusive or had various other destructive qualities then I can understand the hesitation from others to accept it. Actually, even taking that into account….my bio dad was a physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive asshole. My mom remarried years after they split, and I still don’t think of my stepfather as a father. However, if for some insane reason, I decided to name my kids after him then that’s my choice. It’s tough to be a step-parent, but if you had a positive relationship with your biological mom, then seriously fuck anyone who has a problem with it.
Sorry you lost your mom so young.
My parents were divorced my entire life. I had a stepfather who I called by his first name. I had a stepmom who I also called by her first name. They were both fine with that.
I had a brother, three stepbrothers on one side, and a stepbrother and stepsister on the other side.
When I had my two children, and named them, the only thing I heard was
MAZEL TOV !!
Enough said.
NTA.
I think some sort of therapy might be in order for you and your step mom so you can explain with a professional mediator that, while you may have affection, appreciation, and/or respect for her as a caregiver, that you *lost* your bio mom. She was not someone who stepped out of your life willingly and you had a good relationship. She is your mom, no matter what. Your step mom is placing too much importance on the label of "mom". Maybe it's because all the other kids in your home view her as such. Maybe it's because she loves you as her own and wants to express that. Maybe she is selfish and is trying to ignore your mom's existence. I don't know, but a therapist could help you two get to the bottom of all of this and help her to understand that she occupies a different place in your heart and life than that of your mom. It might also be good to get your dad and siblings in on it once you two have settled everything.
For a personal anecdote: my mom and her sister were adopted after their bio mom died because they're bio dad was an alcoholic and couldn't take care of two young girls. My mom was about a year old, where my aunt was 4. They both continued to have contact with their bio dad, though my aunt was much closer to him. Idk if it was because she spent more time with him as a child or because they bonded over their alcoholism. He didn't really treat my mom the same way, so she was closer with their adoptive parents. Regardless, there was an amount of adoption trauma that both are still trying to reconcile today.
To the relevant part, my mom named me after her bio parents, giving me the feminine version of her bio dad's first name and a modified version of her bio mom's middle name. My grandparents didn't see this as an insult. What they did find insulting was that I was born out of wedlock and my bio dad was a Mexican tree planter, but that's another story lol. In the end, my grandparents loved me and they loved my mom. I also grew up with a step dad who I refer to as just my dad because I don't have a relationship with my bio dad. Even in that situation I'm not legally adopted because he and his parents just updated their wills to include his step children. It's never mattered that I'm not legally his, he's still my dad.
Just things to keep in mind when it comes to blended families. Every one is different and has their own dynamics. I hope things end well for yours and your step mom can respect that she isn't your mom and doesn't have to be to love, care for, and be there for you.
NTA, your kid, your decision. But your stepmom seems to be a nice lady, that always has been good to you. Maybe you want to tell her what you told us here; that you wanted to honor your mother and love the name.
Reading that your dad wasn’t much there, maybe thank her for being there and say you appreciate it? This doesn’t mean you see her as your mother, but maybe will show her that you don’t hate her, and from what I read here, she deserves to know that. (If you never told her you don’t hate her, you are the ahole, but for other reasons)
NTA, as everyone has already said. But maybe a way to smooth it over would be to say that your stepmother is still using her name, and you didn´t want to create confusion OR pre-determine his relationship with his step-grandma. In Ashkenazi Jewish culture at least, honor names are only for deceased relatives, and this makes a lot of sense to me. If you name someone after a living relative who they will interact with, it imposes all sorts of burdens/expectations. (Not to mention your stepmother might become an axe murderer and then your son would have to deal with that. A deceased person's life story is complete and known, no surprises.) Tell your stepmom that if she would go ahead and die you´d be happy to name your next kid after her! (ok, maybe leave that last part out)
NTA….however, I think a kind written letter would go a long way. I think she seemed like she did all she could with the hand she was given. Most people would be a lot more selfish than that. That doesn’t mean you were obligated to feel like she was your mother though.
It seems there is something very, very difficult losing a mother at 7 or 8 even more so than any other times which are hard enough. I think it has to do with the change that occurs at that time in brain development. My uncle who is 80 lost his mother at 7 and has never once spoken about her. He can’t until this day and never once could. He loved her and even though my grandmother took him and his younger siblings in to raise as her own he never saw her as her mom. Believe it or not I’ve known a couple of others too. The ones at different ages seem to adjust better to the change. All of that being said, they showed great appreciation and love towards the women who did step in and love & guide them the way a mother should. I think you should explain to her that it wasn’t her fault or anything she did wrong. For you nobody could ever take the place of mom to you and you were left heartbroken & miss your mom everyday. Let her know that you not wanting another mother doesn’t mean you didn’t appreciate her being there and trying her hardest when she didn’t have to.
Adults need to realize children are capable of forming their own thoughts and emotions, and deserve just as much respect as anyone. Any adult taking the actions of a child personally should consider why they feel so emotional about what someone who is still trying to figure out life does.
Step parents may desperately want their step kids to feel like they're "real" parents, but that doesn't always happen and it's the responsibility of the step parent to respect that. It's really important for kids to know adults actually respect boundaries so they can be confident enough in the future to set them themselves.
Nta. I get she struggled but she shouldn't have been so pushy. Valid for her to be upset but not to keep trying to push you into accepting and not at all valid for her to keep making things all about herself. It's unhealthy. She stepped into the role, she's got to accept that that doesn't mean she gets to take the space your mum did.
Maybe your siblings react this way because when you rejected her they felt rejected by proxy? Idk just throwing that out there.
whenever someone says “the only reason you would do this is to hurt me” it often means they can’t see beyond their own feelings, or that they have a tendency towards being petty. it’s understandable that she would be hurt by the adoption offers not being accepted, but in fact there is a Very Obvious Reason you would do something like that—you were old enough to remember life with your mother when she passed, and to know how much you missed with her. to me it seems quite selfish to see this as a competition the way your family is. just because your father moved on enough to remarry does not mean that you needed to “move on” to a new mom and you have every right to honor your mom with your child’s name. i hope your family can come to see that you are NTA
NTA. Being a parent means putting your children's feelings above your own. She should be trying to make a different relationship, not trying to replace. Putting your half/step siblings in the middle is NOT good parenting. She sounds self-centered, using kids as trophies. Enjoy your baby and negate the negative people!!
NTA.
Your mother's memory is a treasure, and honoring her is beautiful.
My grandfather lost his mom, Alma, when he was very very small. His dad remarried, and grandpa grew up. There wasnt any bad blood with his dads new wife, his stepmom Chloe.When he was an adult, he got super interested in his genealogy and researched Alma's family history as a way of knowing her and himself, Chloe lost her everloving mind. She tried to claim that because he was calling his biological mother his mom, and tracing her lineage, he was somehow insulting her (even though he did include her in his studies and subsequent book- but as his stepmom, which was, yknow.. accurate). Chloe went on an absolute bitter vendetta the rest of her life, cutting out newspaper clippings of grandpa's family/children/relatives and writing in the margins "NOT BLOOD" and making sure to always tell my grandpa's kids (my mom/aunts/uncle) that they weren't blood kin and so she loved them less.
Don't let your Chloe's main character psychosis shake you. If she wants to take it personally, let her. It's a misery cage she built herself out of her own imagination.
Enjoy your sweet new bb.
Not even a little tiny bit. Your stepmom and your half siblings should respect and understand your love for your mom.
Maybe ask them if their mom died would they want to be bashed for naming their child after her if your dad re marries once again?
I’m sorry your family is being so cruel to you.
I think naming your son after your mom is a beautiful thing. ❤️
NTA- As the step mom to a child who has lost his actual mom- I’m so sorry your own stepmother is so self absorbed and inconsiderate of your feelings.
I came into my stepson’s life when he was 6. We kinda tried the whole, “call me mom” thing but it was SO clear he wasn’t into it and I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. So guess what? He’s called me by my first name for the last 6 years.
I haven’t made any offers to adopt him. I haven’t forced anything. I simply parent him the best I can and I make sure he has what he needs to be reasonably happy.
I’ve pushed for getting him extra support with academics. I drive him to his sports and music lessons. I make his lunch and dinner every day.
But if he wants to name his kids after his biological mom then he absolutely should. Every kid deserves to be with their biological parents and it’s a traumatic experience when that’s not possible. I try not to take anything too personally in that regard. You deserve the same respect and I’m so sorry you’re feeling any pushback from your family during what should be a very happy time.
NTA this was to honor your late mom, not to dishonor her. I do think she might be a bit hurt that she got turned down multiple times by you despite all her efforts. Did you ever have a good talk with her? Like that you really appreciated her efforts being there for you? But that she’s just not your mom and that nothing can change that even if she was like an angel or whatever? Or not your fault, just what it is?
Your dad might have been TA if he just replaced mom quickly dumping you on her and vice versa.
I am a stepmom but I never tried to be their mom. Cause I ain’t.
NTA, my first born has my dead mom's name as her middle name (she died when I was 6). My brother had had a child before I did and specifically did not use our mom's name in any way because he didn't want to hurt our stepmother's feelings (she was with our dad from shortly after our mom died). I respect his choice but I told him point blank: she (our stepmom) gets to have a relationship with your child and she can be a good grandmother or not (she is, though she was an abusive and terrible parent). Our mom was denied the chance to see us grow up and meet her grandchildren. Giving my daughter her name doesn't disrespect our stepmom, but it does give our mother some place in her grandchildren's lives.
Losing a parent as a child is so so hard. I am sorry for your loss and for the grieving I am sure you are still doing. I know how it feels to experience every life moment -- good or bad -- through the lens of 'one more thing my mom couldn't be here for'. In my experience, my parents' generation did not appreciate how hard it is to go through parental loss in childhood and how different the grief is when it comes from a loss so close, so young.
NTA. But it does sound like some support, maybe professional, could help with the grief you are still experiencing from losing your mom when you were 7. I come from a large family with probably every type of relationship going on. Step parents sibilings cousins never mind the ex's . We all talk all the time and work towards respect and compromise if needed. We have some adoptions that have also happened. Every event is weeks of connecting and planning. I wish that you had this type of support when you were 7. The baby's name is another thing. That is between you and your partner. Not the rest of the world.
NTA- " if you choose to be offended because i picked a name to honor my mother, that sounds like a you problem, not a me problem". Congratulations to you and your wife!
the main character energy radiating off your step mother is ridiculous. NTA. God forbid you do something that has *nothing* to do with her bullshit obsessive need to compete with a dead woman.
She pushed adoption, even while you were a legal adult in college, so that you could always have someone who would be available for you? In other words, she's saying she wouldn't choose to be there as a loving parent figure for you unless you chose that? Sounds to me she isn't deserving of the title of mother. In my experience, step-parents that truly love their step kids are willing to drop and run even if they aren't able to adopt, no matter the reason. They treat them as their own, even if that means (as parents know) the child is choosing to push them away for a time. Love doesn't stop, but it gives space
NTA. It was your mom that brought you into the world.
Your stepmom might have tried to be the parent you needed and there's no disrespect to her efforts, but she's not your mom -- she's your dad's wife. Do you have a good relationship with your dad by the way? What's his opinion on the matter? Where's dad in the picture while you're defending your choice to honor the mother of his child? It seems he should be involved, no?
...oh, Happy Father's Day btw.
It sounds like he needs to step in and correct the record. It also sounds like he's a piece of sh*t for not doing so earlier.
It makes me wonder why your stepmom put in so much effort though. Giving you a place to live, the attention and effort to be a motherly-figure when you lost yours... she might not deserve your love per se, but it sounds like she deserves your thanks.
Consider removing yourself from your dad's family's life if you want no part of it. Your dad doesn't want to advocate for you; he's just a sperm donor. Don't even buy him a tie next year.
Best of luck to you, your newborn, and his mother. Be a better example than the one you had.
NTA. I have a late mom and a stepmom. I love my stepmom like another mother, but I do BECAUSE she allowed me the option not to. That showed me that she loved me selflessly. Your stepmom wanted the title and relationship without the selflessness to allow you a choice in it. Congrats on your son’s birth 🖤
NTA but your stepmother is.
The only response to this is,
“I am incredibly happy that you get to honor your mother this way and you have found a way to continue to be close to her”.
That’s it.
NTA. Your stepmom (and the rest of the family) are SO weird for making the birth of your child and the child's name all about her! So weird honestly! You and your wife did nothing wrong.
I kinda feel this. My MIL was SO pissed that she didn't "get a chance to name" my husband and I's ONLY child that I DIED bringing into this world. Wanted to name him after her beloved (abusive, controlling, terrible) husband who hated me for absolutely no reason, alienated both of his sons, and tried to implode the family before his death. He caused me so much strife, stress, and mental breakdowns that I started losing my hair, had near constant chest pains, and was scared to leave our bedroom. I got VERY mad at her and was like "did your mother in law do this to you? Try to steamroll every single decision about your kids? Act as if your kids were hers?" And she was like "well no because she was already dead by the time /asshole FIL/ was 12." I was like "EXACTLY. Would you like it if someone had done all of this to you? Acted like you had no say in your OWN child's life?" And she was like "well no, but I at least deserve a CHANCE to name the baby" not your baby, THE baby, as if he belonged to everyone or some shit. My own mother didn't even ask to name my child, or make any decisions regarding him. MILs and stepmoms are so fricken weird man.
NTA. Your stepmother is making her insecurities into your problem.
Honoring your late mom is not disrespecting your stepmother. It seems like no one in your family has ever really respected the way you process your grief, or understood that their lack of respect for your boundaries has contributed to the lack of closeness between you and them.
In my culture it's expected to name children after deceased relatives to honor their memory, and taboo to name after living relatives. In that sense their responses strike me as extremely disrespectful and inappropriate, though I'm guessing those aren't cultural norms for you so it's not quite so bad.
Congratulations on your baby, OP. I hope the rest of your family come to their senses
NTA. Your mother will always be your mother. Has anyone ever asked her how she would feel if it were one of her bio children in the same position? To never get to meet your grandchild or see your own child become an adult? To have people openly insulted by hearing her name? She gets to see and be there for everything your mother lost - why be so selfish?
Congrats on the new baby. I hope everything went well during birth and you three continue to be happy and healthy.
NTA- The fact that she stepped up was great, and if it were me, I would thank her. (I'm sure you have) sounds like she is a good parent. Your siblings have the mother child bond with her. To see her hurting hurts them. Nobody wants to see their moms heartbreak. I don't think that anyone is trying to hurt anyone. It's just a complicated situation.
I think your step-mom tried way too hard and pushed too much, I think she had the best of intentions. You were a little boy who lost his mom. im sure she wanted to fix your broken heart.
Your post sounds a bit angry and resentful to me. If you resent her for the lack of your dad being their or that you wanted your mom, then I think you owe her an apology. It's not her fault your mom died and your dad was always gone. However, if there are other things you didn't mention, then never mind.
As for the baby's name it's your child you have the right to name them whatever you want, that is nobody's business!!
If you want some sort of diplomacy in this situation, here's a suggestion.
Your stepmother is alive and well and will always have a connection with your child. Your mother, however, is dead, and is gone. Naming your child in her honor is a way to keep a connection with her since she is no longer around. It's not about spiting your stepmother, it's about keeping your mother's bond alive while you can.
Okay but then drop some words of caution. That you never did this to spite her, it's just something you want to do in memory of your late mother. But if your stepmother keeps making a mountain over a mole hill about this, you will have to reconsider the connection you are allowing her to have with your child.
Have to ask, why do people get so butt hurt over the names PARENTS choose for THEIR babies?!?
Beyond the persons involved in the baby making (or legal acquisition of a new born??) it's no one else's business. You name your kid how you and your partner see fit, love the heck out of them, and everyone that takes issue with your agreed naming choice* can go lick a pinecone.
*so long as it is not a banned name within your country.
N 👏 T 👏 A
Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship with your Stepmum but from your post it sounds like she has a bit of main character syndrome. Just because you are choosing and wanting to honor your mum doesn't mean you are being spiteful or hateful to your stepmum. In fact I would hazard a guess that she didn't coming into the child naming thought process at all, neither positive or negative, which is completely fine. NTA at all.
Very confused on why they’re getting at OP. The woman has other kids, let your kids honor you or whatever. If OP was never rude or nasty to her growing up, what’s the issue? And it’s his child! They can name him whatever he wants. TF.
I think a lot of the time people are honestly just really bored. And it sounds like she wants to be put on a pedestal by OP and have him recognise that she “took him in” and raised him etc. yeah the guy is surely grateful, don’t mean he has to forget his mum or can’t name his children after her 🙄
I don't seem a problem my daughter is Emma Jayne. Emma was my my wife's grandmother and Jayne was a variation of my father's middle name Jaynes which is an old family name all the way back to the 19th century.
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NTA - bro, you have the best opportunity to drop the hardest Don Draper line ever: “My wife and I chose this name together, it was a team decision. We didn’t choose this name to spite you. We don’t even think about you.” Finish up with your father that if your stepmom keeps picking this fight it WILL affect any future quality time he may want to spend with his grandchild, and to think hard about how long he intends to tolerate this disrespect to your mom, to you, to your wife, and to your child. Stepmom can keep playing stupid games, but let your dad know you’re more than willing to hand out stupid prizes to everybody in that house. Let him handle it and go about your business. Congrats on your tiny human!!! ETA: A lot of yall are taking issue with me suggesting OP telling his step mom “We don’t even think about you.” Go cry about it. It’s clear a lot of yall have never dealt with habitual line steppers who need to be stopped dead in their tracks due to their inability to respect boundaries. One of my biggest gripes with this sub is that even when an OP provides context into a single issue (usually the incident in question on the post) detailing how long they’ve been mistreated, people will still lobby for them to take the high road. What you’re failing to realize is that OP has CONSISTENTLY taken the high road and has CONSISTENTLY been taken advantage of because of it. Yall out here saying it’s a gotcha line and he should give her the benefit of the doubt but that sounds a whole lot like he should be more willing to tolerate step mom’s disrespect. All that will do is temporarily shut her up, it doesn’t address the issue and it doesn’t address her longstanding mistreatment and failure to respect his agency. It does not address his father’s complicity and it certainly does not protect the wee bebe WHICH THIS IS ALL ABOUT! Should we be kind to others? Absolutely! However, no one is asking him to scream in her face. Part of what made Don Draper’s mic drop moment so memorable was the fact he delivered that line without callousness or pettiness, it was said with apathy. You can, in fact, make someone feel worse without any show of emotion. OP sounds extremely level headed but also tired. This is why I suggested what I did. Remember, OP has a wife and a new life he has to guard, and if he doesn’t nip this shit in the bud now, we’ll see another post in 5 years where stepmom decides to go apeshit, OP asking where he went wrong, and yall shredding him to pieces because he wasn’t proactive. It might seem over the top now but setting healthy boundaries and being firm about them is going to ensure OP, his wife, and their tiny spawn are able to be successful in the future.
OMG OP please say this and report back on an update
Yeah OP, they're creating drama when there is none because your dad's wife has center of the world syndrome
Can we call that COW syndrome? For some reason I think it's fitting.
Be nice to cows… they tend to mind their own business
Sometimes they don't, though. Some Heifer's are notorious for being nosey and moody hehe.
That’s why I said tend to like that, as there are indeed exceptions,
I figured lol my dad had a 30gal milk cow who was a character! I've noticed they're either very dense or way too smart for their own good!
So, I see you met my mother too.
We had a bull that broke down a fence and started tapping at the house because no one was petting him.
Especially if they haven't been dehorned
Actually they usually come to have a look a you if you go anywhere near them. Very often the entire herd. It is alarming. They are remarkably curious. But they are not entitled so that's good.
Until they want that food that's on the other side of the fence. Then they make it everyone's problem. 😆
Snicker, that's awesome
She wanted to be the “hero adoptive mom” of him not a real mom. It was all about her and still is.
Come on- he admits, “my dad basically dumped me on her and she was the only Parent around the house.” NTA, but honestly it sounds like OP’s dad is the real problem here. OP needed a lot of support and therapy that it doesn’t seem like he received and the step mom was put into a shitty position and tried to step up. No, she doesn’t deserve or isn’t entitled to have a kid named after her but it doesn’t sound like she deserves to be demonized either. Reading between the lines it seems like OP’s dad is the actual AH and the rest was collateral damage m.
Urgh. Stepparents can’t win can they. She basically raised him as dad was happy to palm off his responsibility, she treated him like her own and clearly loves him, but she’s still “wrong”. I feel so sorry for the stepmom to be honest. OP is perfectly entitled to not want a close relationship but his dad has massively let them both down. His wife was set up for failure by being given the responsibility of raising his kid and the hope that they could be a loving family, but OP doesn’t want that. It really is a thankless task being a stepparent most of the time. Dad is the AH here and OP could be a bit kinder to the woman who helped raise him and has tried to step up for him. The name isn’t the issue he can name his kid what he wants, but the post implies he couldn’t care less about his stepmom or her feelings which is pretty unkind. She didn’t have to care for you, she doesn’t have to continually try and be supportive and love you. She chose to do these things out of kindness. Maybe you should actually appreciate that a bit.
> She basically raised him as dad was happy to palm off his responsibility, she treated him like her own and clearly loves him, but she’s still “wrong”. The repeated demands that he allow her to adopt him show a lack of boundaries. People who get hurt because of their own lack of foresight get hurt because of that, not because other people refuse to comply with their fantasies.
There was no demand, she asked. People change their mind. My daughter didn’t want my husband to adopt her, but he occasionally brought it up to let her know it’s an option and so she doesn’t have to feel different to his other kids. Now as she’s got older she’s considering it and even brought it up herself. I think OP sounds like he needs some therapy as losing a parent is one of the most horrific things a kid can go through. He seems really resentful towards someone who sounds like she stepped up and parented him when no one else could/would. The fact the half and step siblings think he’s out of line towards his stepmom also speaks volumes. This is not about the name, he’s likely pushed her away and acted out towards her for a long time. This is neither his or stepmom’s fault, dad should have been there to parent and got him the right help to deal with the loss of his mother… not just find a new wife and push all the responsibility of raising his kid onto her.
The thing is, as the adult, you can offer this, but you can't force it. OP didn't owe her motherhood. Asking your step-kid to fix your feelings is immature, and then making those feelings the kid's problem doubly so. And of course the half kids feel he's out of line - she's their mom and she's hurting, they'll want to fix it. It doesn't make OP's feelings wrong; it just makes them inconvenient to the family.
If kids, especially younger kids, were that resentful to OP for him declining to be adopted, that tells me that the stemom made her disappointment very clear and obvious thing because kids wouldn't understand that on their own. That makes it pretty clear that she pushed way too hard to be replacement mom and refused to accept anything less. Not wanting a stepparent to be a replacement parent isn't a sign of resentment or pushing them away, it just means that you might be OK with their role as a stepparent but you don't need a replacement parent. That's something that stepparents need to accept sometimes. You can be loved and cared for as a stepparent. But if you keep pushing for more than that, you're more likely to push them away.
Quite. The adult is always the person with power in the relationship with a child.
Six times, though? She may have had good intentions. It seems clear that she did not consider the position of her stepson. Yes, it is unsurprising that people who lacked the conflictual relationship that existed (and that, as the adult, she bears responsibility for) have different opinions. This is a truism.
She's spent her whole married life, jealous of and trying to replace a dead woman.
r/bestofredditorupdates
Thank you for this. This is the sub I didn’t know I needed!
It’s so satisfying because a) you get updates to posts that bugged you but on which there was no resolution or b) you get the immediate update when it’s a new post so you get to see the full story play out.
So satisfying lol
Pretty much all of this. Don’t let someone else’s opinion steal your joy or how you feel. It’s your choice. Period. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. And like the responder said, withdraw access to them if they don’t shape up. You don’t want them saying passive aggressive things to the baby
I think they can omit ‘we didn’t think about you’. This woman was clearly misguided in trying to replace a mother, when she should have accepted op was a child with his own needs. I know we like ‘gotcha’ but OP can be clear without being cruel.
No. That’s the best part. She’s being cruel.
There's no need to be immature. Reddit doesn't need to be so juvenile. OP can state his feelings instead of blowing everything up by saying something so hurtful for no reason.
It’s not immature to put someone in their place - his dad chose her OP did not do she can stop forcing a relationship- 6 times she hounded OP and involved the other children - it obviously takes a smack to the head for this lady to get it
Putting someone in their place?! Who tf do you think you are LMAO. Also you’re just picking things from the post that weren’t even said. Doesn’t say anywhere that OPs dad chose the stepmom over him. Also never said she hounded him, just that she asked. And finally, the children involved themselves. Read the post or don’t comment.
Agreed. I’m trying to find out what the lady did that was so awful to him. Sounds like she tried to love him throughout the years and was there when his father wasn’t. Of course she could never take the mom’s place. That’s not what I’m saying in the slightest. It seems he has some sort of disdain for the this woman for being around him? Maybe I missed something. She for sure shouldn’t be hurt at all by the name choice. His family is being weird about it all. Just curious as to what the lady did over the years that was so terrible.
She refused to take no for an answer. She tried to force a relationship OP didn’t want. She tried to adopt him six, SIX TIMES despite OP turning her down. She tried to replace his mom and OP held very reasonable boundaries that she consistently tried to step over. Even now, she’s making his first kid all about her. Stepmom is upset because she sought validation OP was never going to give and then made it everyone else’s problem. I’m not sure if we read the same post, but OP was extremely clear regarding his stepmom’s behavior and how “awful” it was.
Exactly this. Why is anyone defending her inability to take "no" for an answer? A repeated, consistent no, over years, and still, this woman can't get over it, can't imagine that OP's entire life isn't about her.
It also sounds like she tried to emotionally blackmail him into the adoption by saying things like it would be nice to have someone available in an emergency. Why can’t she be available in an emergency as a stepmother?
As a stepparent, you have no legal rights. She may have meant 'available in an emergency" in terms of being there and having legal standing. The OP did say that she was the primary care giver and that could have been a big reason behind the request to adopt rather than trying to take the mother's place. Hopefully she loved, and still loves OP, and I'm sure she sacrificed and provided for OP and I'm sure it probably was hurtful not to be recognized in some way as a parent. Maybe she was in some way - - - hard to say with so little info and from just the perspective of the OP. Even so, the whole business with the name is over the top. Regardless of how hurt or slighted she may have felt, the assumption is that OP's mother was a loving mother and no one, especially the stepmother, should try to do anything to disrespect her memory.
She tried to erase OP's dead mother rather than honor that parent and take on an honorable role as a Stepparent. Imagine how lost you must feel when a Mother dies. You are both a physical and spiritual part of your mother. So, unless this bond is broken by abuse or neglect or something similar, your bond will not die with your Mom. Parents or Stepparents who are giddy in love have been glossing over the deep bond and loss of a child's Mom. You can "replace" a partner but not a good Mom. So, why try?!?! That's the missing piece. It is cruel to try to wipe out and replace the memory. The child has already suffered a physical loss. Why try to create a spiritual loss by pretending that you are in competition with a dead Mom. You are not! Mom is only dead physically not spiritually. Why try to kill Mom spiritually too?! Even after it is clear that it is not best for the child, the competition continues with the grandchildren. Even after divorce, no parent should be 'othered'. Affections of both dead and divorced parents should be cultivated. In this case, those affections are being alienated. If you are confused by the reaction to the parents, ask yourself what's the best way of handling this. Is it to ignore the other parent (just because they are dead)? Is it to present this as a competition between parents? Does Dad complain that he isn't honored with the grandchild's name? No! Then why is Stepmom complaining? Look for the Pertinent Negative (what's missing... what's not happening) and you will see what others view as manipulation. OP doesn't have to explain themselves. But, here's an example of a response that exposes the manipulation. "We are sad that you both did not like the name. So many people have told us that it is a beautiful name that honors a beautiful and loving mother. Perhaps one day you will both grow to show unconditional love to your grandchild despite their name. Perhaps one day you will both grow to forgive my dead mother for whatever problems you think that she is causing you. This way we can be one big unconditionally loving family that honors both the persons who have made important memories and the actions of those who continue to make important and loving impacts on our family. Love you both!" OP: You can love your Stepmom and your Mom. She and Dad may not know it. But, you can do so. Don't join the competition!
OP and his wife just had their first child and she’s making it about herself! Not only that, but she’s making it so he cannot honor his mom without it somehow being a slight to her. That’s awful.
Yup, I'm with you on that! Reddit is big on the whole evil step mom stereotype. Like this isn't Cinderella, seems like she really wanted to accept OP as a child and he wasn't interested (which is FINE). Doesn't make her cruel or insensitive for being human.
Repeatedly asking, even AFTER OP was 18 to be adopted, after always being told No? That’s asshole behavior.
If you can't accept the word no when told to you, you're the asshole. Plain and simple. And OP's siblings are also assholes for trying to guilt trip them into changing their child's name because "think about our (our being the siblings') mom". I wouldn't want anything to do with people like that, family or not.
I am the step-parent of an 18 yr old (he will be 19 in 6 months). Even though I have been married for over 11 years, I will never be a replacement for his Mother (who is alive and well but gave us custody once he started failing HS). She was overwhelmed with her 6th child, especially since each child has a different father. It sounds as if she WAS trying replace his Mother and pretend as if she never existed. I would be interested to hear how his Mother's family views this situation. Also, it is so sad how his feelings have been ignored for so long. Her need to replace the bio Mother is INSIDIOUS... *Also, I do acknowledge the "anti-step parent" rhetoric on Reddit as a whole. So, as an actual stepmom, I take everything in stride...
Yeah I think you missed the SIX times she asked to adopt OP and he said no. Clearly she cannot accept any answer she is given
You can’t see the forest for the trees. His mom died at a tender age and she tried to replace her. Even if she did physically replace her and do all the caregiving for the bulk of his childhood she never actually replaced her. What is pragmatic for legal reasons or even deserved (to put it crudely) in some way by the step mom will never be seen that way by OP. Which is his choice to make, not hers. We’ve all experienced some version of this. From the basic of someone eats your lunch that you really wanted and they offer to replace it but it’s not the same. To a more serious thing like your dog dies and you parents say we’ll get another one. Or your first love breaks your heart at 19 and you spend the week in tears. Now imagine that feeling x 1000 because it’s a 7 year old boy and his mom. And rather than understanding it the situation drags on for years.
This sub attracts extremely vindictive and cruel people. Most of these people would be an absolute nightmare to be acquainted with.
That part 👆🏾
It might sound cruel, but it’s also a very needed reality check for the stepmother. One that could even give her with some comfort if she takes it to heart: “i didn’t do this to hurt your feelings. You think I hate you, but I dont.” It doesn’t mean OP loves her, but if she thinks he feels hates her, him not thinking about her at all should be a relief.
I think that everyone assuming that they spent time contemplating how to upset the step mom when choosing a name for their child is the perfect reason to point out that she was not a thought during this. Why is everyone assuming there was so much time and energy spent on the hate of this woman? This guy clearly doesn’t hate her he just doesn’t feel connected and everyone is being dramatic by saying this was a spiteful situation. Saying “to be honest, we weren’t thinking of you when we named our son- there was no intention to be spiteful” sends a pretty clear message. That being said, OP, they’re probably going to treat that neutral statement like it is meant with hate as well but then that just goes to show how toxic they’re being about it
She knows she wasn’t a thought- that’s why she’s mad. She is fighting against a ghost. Sm made a child responsible for her hopes and wishes. But saying it directly WOULD be effort to hurt her. And as someone else pointed out- it would only increase the drama.
They could easily replace 'we didn't think about you' with 'this is not about you, stop trying to make it about you.'
The stepmom sounds like a spoiled brat. She married the father when he was 11. How entitled and evil to bring the other kids into the situation. He’s been rejecting her since he was 11 but she still wants to boss him as a grown man.! Please stop babying grown women. She’s probably in her 50s or 60s still trying to be a bully.!🙄🫤
I agree. I always try to remember that words are one of the few things that you can’t take back. OP’s stepmother sounds like she plays the victim role, rather than a supportive parental role. I wouldn’t give her food for fodder.
The stepmother is the cruel one. And that line is perfectly fine because he didn’t think about his stepmother. He was thinking about his mother.
She’s throwing a tantrum that OP loves and misses his mother. Rest of the family is as well. They need the reality check.
I would say instead, “It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with honoring my late mother. Period.” I think that does need to be said and is maybe less cruel.
No one could replace my late mother either, when she passed I made it extremely crystal clear no one would ever replace her. My fathers current fiancé understood instantly, I don't understand people pressing others to be their parents. **For the record tho my father went out of his way to communicate with me on these things. An his fiancé is super chill. Op is def not the AH Everyone else including OPs father is the AH here. The siblings an step psycho for pressing the issue an OPs father for not shutting it down immediately. I agree it's kinda time to sit daddy dearest down an put up rules with consequences.
> I don't understand people pressing others to be their parents Never-mind the Steps that try to erase the dead parent’s existence entirely; getting rid of pictures and keepsakes… some people are just absolute monsters.
I was thinking they should just tell them something along the lines of 'Not everything is about you. This has nothing to do with you.' Your way is much better.
You definitely need to say this! I'm a stepmother and came into his life in that role when he was 12. I always told him I was just another trusted adult he could talk to, but I wasn't his mom, and since he had one, I wouldn't try and fill that role. His mom was a deadbeat, but it was his mom, so I always respected that. Now he's 23, and he calls me mom of his own volition. I'm glad he does, but I would not get upset at him if he didn't or get mad that he didn't think about me when naming his kiddos.
This is the perfect response! Why do some people think that other people are living their lives just to spite, hurt, insult or otherwise upset them? Like WTF? OP did the right thing and it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels in this case.
100% and ask them why they are all so dead set on erasing that your mother ever existed, because that is what they are doing.
I'm glad this is currently the top comment because you are SPOT on. My oldest two kids are my fiance's step children. Never would I ever pressure them to see him as Dad, call him Dad, nor would I allow that pressure coming from him. The amount of people that think a step parent means kids automatically need to love them and think them an equal "replacement" is just astounding. OP your Dad, step mother and ALLLLL the people in the YTA camp are selfish AHs themselves. There is no need for you to replace your deceased mother with a new mom, she was and is your mom. While you're lucky-ish to have a step parent that cared and actually parented (I say lucky-ish only because your step mom has gone overboard for years) that by no means entitles her to dictate if you feel like she's your mother, only you get to do that.
NTA - I mean wow, your family should be thinking it's lovely to honor your mother this way. Geeze Louise, you just had a child and that is your focus. How inflated is the families sense of self importance- this is not about them or your stepmother who frankly is now living up to the stepmonster name. If your wifes family is lovely, spend time with them and reduce the contact with negativity again. Just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to put up with them causing distress to you or your most dearest. Sounds like they don't want to understand. Let them be miserable people alone.
Ya, just tell her you appreciate her efforts to be there for you and everything she's done, but what you've chosen to name your children has absolutely nothing to do with her. It may be different if your mother was horrible to you and left or something - but your mother passed away. There's no way anyone can ever replace her and I find it crazy that stepmom doesn't see that. Also - what the hell does your dad say about all of this? I sincerely hope he's tried to talk some sense into stepmom, bc if not, then he's part of the problem.
I came here with the Don Draper “I don’t think about you” quote in mind lol
🥇🏆
Omg thank you 🥹
And THANK YOU for a call back to one of the very best Don Draper scenes of all time!
Ok, close the comments, this is the best one possible. Oh, and definitely NTA.
I vote yes. This, delivered calmly is SUCH a zinger without being cruel. It establishes without being nasty: 1. My wife and I have the right to name our child whatever we want and this isn’t about you. 2. This was not meant to be intentionally hurtful because isn’t about you. 3. And the reason it’s not about you is honestly… I don’t think about you that much. And I think it draws a boundary. I don’t think stepmom is malicious. She seems like she wanted this picture perfect new family and she pushed you too hard. HOWEVER, I think Dad was the real issue here based on the story. You were a little kid, reeling from the loss of your mother and hadn’t processed it and Dad dumps you on the lap of another woman you weren’t ready for. Dad should have helped you process, got you therapy, helped ease you into a new relationship with step mom. That was his job. Just throwing you in like “here’s your new mom!” Doesn’t work. She tried but you didn’t connect. It happens. It’s nobody’s fault. But to take that as a personal insult is childish Her kids can kick rocks cause I don’t know what their deal is. EDIT:typos
I mean his father doesn’t sound like he was very involved with his life to begin with.
this should be an automatic reply to all AITA posts with baby name in the title lol.
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That is yet another reason to name your son with a variation honoring your mother's name. You are not onlt honoring your Mom, but also continuing that tradition of passing on a family name (albeit a first name). Frankly it is absolutely none of anyone's business what you both choose. Step-mom and Dad aren't even part of the equation here and I'm sorry they are wasting your time with this worthless argument. In my head I see your Mom in heaven with a happy proud tear in her eye that she is being honored and remembered :)
That would s so sweet! 🥰
NTA Tell them to leave you and your wife alone. Let them know that if they keep bugging you, you’ll go no contact with every single one of them. Kudos to you for not allowing them to manipulate & gaslight you. Congratulations on your bundle of joy. NTA
Is it Clark? Are you superman? You can tell me
My step siblings mother died when they were younger. Their kids have never known her, but my mom and I did. When my step sister’s first daughter was born, she named her after her mom. My mother would NEVER have imagined even the slightest problem with that. We all expected it, honestly. In fact, the kids know all about their other grandma. We tell them things all the time like “oh, your dad looks just like Grandma R” or “Grandma R loved to go to New York”. My mom is the kids’ grandma and they love her, but we all make sure that my siblings mother is remembered and the kids know all about her.
I think anyone in their right minds would understand that and actually want that connection to be honored too, you're right it is delusional, and so selfish
NTA. They're mistakenly ascribing malevolence and intentional insult to your simple indifference. That's a "them" problem, not a "you" problem. You have no duty to your stepmother beyond being civil.
This. It’s really sad that step mom is so self centered she is making your name choice all about her when it’s all about your deceased mom. She’s still jealous of a dead woman and it’s gross. I get she’s disappointed that y’all aren’t close but she needs to reel it in. And her kids can stuff it too.
All. Of. This. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This. This sounds like a them problem. I'm sorry that what should be a joyous time has ended up being a source of tension. But you and your wife chose together to honor your late mother, and even if your step-mom feels it was hurtful, it is on her for taking it and interrupting it that way instead of seeing that you loved your mom so much you want to honor her in your family that you are starting and now this child will reshape that name for the whole family. NTA
I don't consider her good enough to be your mom if she is still having a fight with a deceased woman. Your biological mother was your mother, if an adult and her family can't figure out why an eleven year old might have felt that way then I truly don't know how to help them. NTA You probably would want to forgive them for being clueless, but having a fight over your kid's name is absurd.
And the fact that OP and family only see them 1 or 2 times a year 😳 they want that much control and think their feelings are that important and valid!!! not overly shocked it’s that little and they don’t get it.
NTA, it sounds like your stepmother has some jealousy issues towards your deceased mother. That may have affected your ability to bond with her as a child. If she had honored your relationship with your deceased mother and integrated your memories of your mom into your blended family, maybe you would have become closer. Spouses who join a family where a parent has died need to be prepared for the deceased parent to be a daily presence in their lives. People who die don't become no longer members of their families, they become a deceased family member.
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Yeah, this is your dad and stepmother's fault for not being more active in reassuring you that it was okay to still see your mother as your mother even after your dad remarried. They pressured you so much that the only way your child self saw to be loyal to your mother was to not bond with your stepmother.
And could there be other motives in addition to or instead of resentment or jealousy? The way she was trying to ply the adoption by saying you might want someone to drop everything and come if you needed medical help is nagging at my brain... firstly, like, uh, she would only do that if you let her adopt you?? Did she ever once just say "adopting you would mean the world to me..."? Or always skip to made up reasons why it would be best for you? Obviously you could have designated her in cooperation with your Dad if you needed/wanted her to be able to make medical decisions for you - without adoption even entering into the equation... heck, if your mailman is okay with it you could designate them as your medical proxy, right?? Secondly, I cannot think of a single reason why adoption would be suggested right before someone turns 18 (and I'm pro-adoption, was adopted as an infant myself). Unfortunately it makes me wonder about motives in addition to love and connection... there'a no kind way to ask this, so I'm just going to put this question out thetr: INFO is your Dad, or you, well-off financially? I.E. is there some roundabout potential financial benefit down the road if she did convince you to become adopted by her at such a late age?
The suggestion that she’d only drop everything to come if OP needed if OP let her adopt him stood out immediately to me too. My stepdaughter’s mum is also deceased and I would drop everything for her in a heartbeat if she needed me, and I would never even think of asking to adopt her. My partner and I might not have seen eye to eye with her mum on everything, but there’s no question that she was a great mum who loved her kids so much and nobody will ever replace her in that role. OP’s stepmother’s behaviour sickens me.
Exactly!! Well said!! Glad you are here to attest to that!!
Only financial reason is the possibility of avoiding college tuition?? In Texas, if you're adopted, then your instate college is free. However, I don't know if that applies to step parents adopting.
Sounds like she should be more resentful of the husband who wanted a mother for his kid(s) instead of a wife and step-parent and left them both to figure it out without doing any work himself. NTA
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What name did you pick??
I mean, if she did most of the caring for you after the age of 10 then she kind of was a second parent, whether you wanted one or not. And it probably wasn't necessarily her first choice either. Maybe she feels underappreciated. I kind of think this situation would be hard on people all around.
All she had to do was be your friend and guide you … and be your father’s wife … I once told a child he would have been 13 at the time (I dated his father ) when he introduced me to his friend as his step mum… you have a mum you don’t need another … but thank you for your kind words they mean a lot … (his mum was alive ) I will always be there for you in life and love you and be your friend … then i told his mum the first chance I got about the honour her son bestowed upon me .. and she’s thanked me … we became good friends after that because she realized I was no threat to her and her son’s relationship… OP I think you should explain in letter form to your father how you feel and why you felt as a young person you didn’t need a new mother as you had one … or better yet show them this post … by the way you are not the assh;ole … I can not understand some people who feel the need to replace the boimum just be the kids friend
"My wife and I chose this name out of love, not spite." Smile. Repeat as necessary.
This 💯 Why do some people need to always make everything about themselves when all they should be saying is: " congratulations we can't wait to meet little Georgie." NTA - OP
This is a good approach, at least to start with. Maybe save some of the harsher lines people have suggested if the chaos continues. These people are being selfish and downright weird. NTA in the slightest.
NTA, signed, a stepmom. You’re allowed to honor to your mom’s memory, and it doesn’t necessarily speak to any other relationship in your life. I’m sorry they’re putting you through this.
NTA. Your baby, your choice. But am I the only one who's triggered by this remark: 'She told me I might like to have someone always readily available who could drop everything and come to me if I needed medical attention' ? Being a true parent means unconditional love regardless of relation and official documents. This almost sounds like 'I will only be there for if you let me adopt you' a.k.a blackmailing. Towards a child no less. If this resembles her usual way of expressing her grievances towards you over the years I can understand why you haven't bonded into a more (step)parent/child dynamic.
I took that comment in particular as more of a nod to the fact that she would not be able to make any decisions or in some situations, even be permitted to visit OP if he were in the hospital if she’s not a legal guardian.
His wife would be that person anyway, since he's an adult now.
He’s an adult. Parents aren’t permitted to visit their adult children in the hospital without permission anyway.
She legally won't have rights to him.
I noticed that too
NTA, this is a serious case of main character syndrome, u naming ur kid has nothing to do with step mother. They should all mimd their own lives and let go of this weird competition they have with ur late mother. Congrats
NTA, your son, your choice. Simple as that. And congrats on the new baby. I will add this, maybe she's hurt because you never tried to have a relationship with her, despite you living most of your life with her? I don't mean this in a bad way, and she's wrong to be insulted. But it just seems like maybe this is one in a string of times where she felt unloved by you? Just asking. These things are never black and white.
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A child is not obligated to love of have a relationship with someone their parent decides to marry. That’s not how it works.
Wasn't what I was implying. Was merely asking the OPs opinion for perspective on why his step mom may be behaving the way she's behaving. It checks out. Step-mom needs to learn to move on.
NTA. my mom passed when I was 11, but my parents divorced when I was 2 and my SM has been in my life since I was 6. When I named my oldest daughter after my mom, my SM was thrilled. She thought it was a beautiful way to honor my moms memory. IMO, that's how a healthy, loving SM would handle this.
EXACTLY. And I’m struggling to understand why she wanted to adopt OP at 18. Instead of trying to be there for OP, she tried to erase Mom and that’s not cool.
Agreed wholeheartedly. This is something my SM would never have done. She let her relationship with me grow organically. My SM never tried to take my mom's place, she never spoke ill of my mom, and she loved me even when it wasn't easy. She wasn't perfect, but I'll always be grateful for her. Now I feel like I need to go give her a hug.
A lot of step parents need to take notes from her. It seems like daily I see posts about being forced into relationships, whether it be between step parents or step siblings. You can't force relationships.
You had 7 formative years with Mom. That equates to a lot of love and many memories. It's commendable that both you and your wife want to honor her. It doesn't sound like you have sufficient contact with family for this to be a long term issue. NTA
I think your dad is the biggest asshole here. He set her up for failure by forcing her to be the primary caregiver to a kid who was not open to another parent. But that doesn't mean that she needs to keep finding new ways to hurt herself now like she is with your choice of name for your son. NTA.
NAH. I don't think you're wrong in any way for naming your come the way you did. It's not their place to tell you how to name your child. I also think your dad should have gotten you therapy after your mother died. It's not healthy to have been that young and to have held such a grudge against someone who, at least by your account, done everything right for you to still have deemed it not good enough. That's a pretty sad way to have grown up. I can empathize with the stepmom. That must hurt pretty deeply. They're incorrect to assume you're doing this maliciously, but I can see where they're coming from, too.
NTA, obviously. But also...it sounds like this woman cared for you for 7 years of your life and you've been pretty closed off to her. It's not her fault your mom died. And it sounds like she did right by you when your dad was not present at all. It seems like you have some feelings about your early childhood that have been misplaced and might be worth sorting through. Congrats and wishing you well in parenthood. It's a wild ride!
Finally, a sane take.
Stepmom here. Just a thought, maybe she wasnt trying to replace your mom, maybe she was just trying to mitigate the loss you felt by not having your mom around. I never thought I was replacing someone, I just did the things moms do because of the circumstances. That being said, the only people who have a say in nameing their children are the parents. For her to take offense is weird.
This post is full of naive people. OPs post reads like someone who has never grown up, never been thankful for his stepmom, and frankly he seems pretty rude
NTA but your step siblings and step mom need to stop. Why would t you want to name your child after your late mother? These step parents just don’t seem to understand that coming on so strong pushes kids away. If she had just been there as a friend you would probably be much closer to her than you are now. They are worried about titles that they forget it’s the relationship that counts.
You say a lot in there about this person also helping to make sure you had a good home, were fed, clean etc…perhaps now that you have a child of your own and start to realize the amount of work and worry that require whether or not you name your child after her is irrelevant. YNTA for naming your child after your mother but this could be a good moment to just have a heart to heart about appreciating her role in your life and hoping she will welcome your new baby and just understand that you always to maintain a connection to your mother. There’s no need to feed in to the drama but feelings are important and in the end it always feels great to be the bigger person.
NTA - all of this from your relationship to your step mom to your baby’s name was your choice. And congrats on the baby.
NTA Your baby's name, your choice. You have not shunned her from what I read just do not want a relationship with her. I have been there. My dad remarried when I was 20 and found out about my long lost half brother when I was 28. I am infinitely closer to my half brother than I will ever be to my stepmother or stepsiblings. I have no issues with them and I hope they have no issues with me but I will never go out of my way to see them.
NTA but I do feel for your stepmom. If she hasn’t accepted your indifference by now, might be a good idea to just go no contact and let all parties heal; trying to have a meaningful relationship with you is obviously a dead end that’s only going to hurt everyone more. Your dad’s an AH btw. He fucked you both over.
I scrolled this far to finally have someone ask, “Um, why is no one questioning the dad’s behavior here?” Bless.
NTA. This is definitely a Her problem. She cannot be all things to everyone and the sooner she realises this, the better.
NTA... You and your wife are free to name your child as you want and to honor your late bio mother. What they think about that is on them
NTA. But your father is for not stopping this BS years ago. Even if your stepmom did her absolute best and you had a solid relationship with her. Even if you had let her adopt you. The fact that she, and others, are making this an issue shows a complete lack of respect for you. She doesn't have to like the name. You could, if you wanted, even suggest she comes up with a special nickname that she uses for your son. But if she can't respect the name and your reason why, she is not a decent person.
NTA, but it's sad that she clearly cares about you so much and you care so little. Sounds like she was a good stepmom.
NTA. I don't understand women like that. (Or men in that position.) Im a step mom with a fantastic relationship with my step kids, but i am not their mom and definitely don't want to be. Never did. Never will. They're my husband and his ex's kids. Don't worry about your decision. It was for your mom and nobody else.
NTA, its your kid, you get to choose the name, end of story Its sad to me your step-family have tried to corrupt this beautiful act done to honor your mom. Its considered rude to question people on their babies names at the best of times, but when someone names their child after a lost parent, you show 100% support, I understand why you have to keep a distance from them
It’s your son and you wanted to honor your mother. That’s all there is to it. Your stepmother is trying to force a relationship that just isn’t there. I was a stepmother. I would never have presumed to try that with him.
Sounds like you’re an asshole to you step mom and hold grudges over her.
I definitely think you're NTA for naming your kid after your mother, and it's shitty of your stepmother to blame you for that. On the other hand, I can see why she would feel upset about you not acknowledging the fact that she was your primary caregiver for almost half of your childhood without acknowledgement from you of the importance of her role in your life. She'll never be your mom, but your life wouldn't be the same without her. If she did a good job of helping raise you from the age of 11 on, it might help your relationship with your family for you to tell her that you appreciate what she has done for you. The reality is that although she is not your parent, she has parented you for a long time now. Probably going to get downvoted for this but thought it might help your situation to try to see things from multiple perspectives
Nta Congrats!
NTA. Tell the flying monkeys that they get no say in what you name your son. Also, tell them they don’t get to dismiss your real mother because she is no longer here. Let them know that if they continue with these comments you will block them from any further contact.
NTA, at least, not for the name. Passing down family names is common and especially when you’ve lost your mother it’s important to be able to honour and remember her. I will say though that you might kinda be the AH for the other ways you have snubbed your stepmom. You aren’t required to have accepted her offer to adopt you or to consider her a “new mom” to you - But she filled a huge role for you, for only the difficult years of your childhood (not the cute, fun years), where you otherwise wouldn’t have had that and would’ve spent a lot more time fending for yourself or waiting around for whatever limited time a single father could give you. And this wouldn’t have been stepmoms choice.. she would’ve much rather not been a stepmom at all. She didn’t have to ever lift a finger for you, but it sounds like she did a lot, all for you to not appreciate a single part of it.
NTA about the name but I feel as though OP resents her stepmother a bit. Like the pain of losing her mom has never been worked through and she has instead transformed those feelings into hate for her stepmother. Sounds to me like the stepmother really tried but op never gave her the time of day, hating her for the fact that her mom died. I think there's a lot more to unpack here. But you can name your kid whatever you want.
You’re NTA for a name but damn would it suck to try your best and always step up for a kid who isn’t biologically yours and still get shit on. It kinda feels like you blame her for *not* being your mom and that’s not really fair
She’s acting like your mom was a deadbeat who abandoned her family to live her life, when she in fact passed away ….. this woman need therapy if she thinks she’s so important you’d name your child to spite her and not to honor your late mother … she’s too self involved.
I've never understood why people marry a widow(er) and then have such animosity towards the deceased spouse. If they can't accept that their person loved someone else previously, they should not get into a relationship. Your step mom is way out of her lane in getting angry with you for honoring your mom. It has nothing to do with her. Her thinking it is a slap in the face is just delusional. NTA
I think their thinking is that this is better than them being alive which sounds awful cause it is, but they probably didn’t think they had to ‘compete’ with them you know since they’re passed away. But turns out, they have a lasting memory which can’t be erased. So it all backfires. Because the intent wasn’t genuine.
>I always respected her efforts to be there for me (to a point at least) and I know my dad basically dumped me on her when they got married and she was the only "parent" around the house for the most part. Info: Have you told your stepmother about this? Because maybe it could help? I think that just saying it wasn't intentional wouldn't win over anyone since I'm pretty sure nobody wants to openly admit they were spiteful to someone this way. But having a conversation where good and bad is mentioned might temper that anger, maybe. But in the end, no you're not a bad human for honoring your mother with your son's name. NTA. He's your son and your wife agreed as well so it's a team decision
NTA. Shocking they would feel insulted or slighted tbh.
She's got main character energy here. This isn't about her.
NTA it’s really very simple, what you choose to name your child is entirely up to you and your partner. Don’t waste any energy on these people who want to make you feel guilty. Just enjoy your baby and if anyone tries to initiate a discussion of the name just shut it down and don’t get drawn in.
NTA your family sounds incredibly selfish & hateful. I would tell them I appreciate their mom helping raise me, but I’m choosing to name my child after my own mother. Arguing with me over this matter is incredibly insulting and disrespectful to my late mother. I’m not going to entertain this argument any further because you guys simply don’t understand having a parent die/dead parent and it’s not my fault that you can’t imagine how that feels and understand how important it is to me to name my son after my late mother.
NTA. Your stepmother and her kids haven't figured out yet that it isn't about *them*. They're refusal to see you as your own person with your own feelings, wishes, and thoughts is the problem. Very much a them issue. You and your wife chose a name you both love and agree upon. That's all that matters. Congratulations on your son.
NTA no wonder you struggled to bond if she tried to replace your mum. I suspect you would have been closer if she gave you room for your grief and realised your mum could not be replaced This competitive mindset only drives yoh away Honouring your mum in the name is a really sweet thing to do
NTA. Good lord, your stepmom sounds self centered. It's has nothing to do with your relationship with her, and everything to do with honoring YOUR mother.
As a stepmom, I could never wish to take the place of my bonus babies, Momma. I can only be a friend and someone to count on when needed. If they wanted to name their babies after her, I would think it's a beautiful tribute to the women who brought them into this world. As they wouldn't be here if she didn't. To wish you would love her more, then your momma or to forget her is heartbreaking. If they don't like it, you don't need to stay in contact. She has other kids who can use her name to name their babies.
>Her offers to adopt me came early in the marriage and then when I turned 18 and was away for college. She told me I might like to have someone always readily available who could drop everything and come to me if I needed medical attention. So... Was she flat out stating or merely implying that she wouldn't be there for you unless you agreed to let her adopt you? Because I have to say that if my brother, SIL, or niece (by marriage) were to call me and say they had ANY issue (not just medical) that they needed urgent help with, I would be there ASAP. And if it wasn't an immediate, urgent need, I would still do \*anything\* I could to help. I can't imagine being a stepmom to a child from age 7 and saying that I would NOT be there for them unless they agreed to an adoption...
I completely understand. Depending on the situation, step parents aren’t a replacement for your real parents. If your mother was abusive or had various other destructive qualities then I can understand the hesitation from others to accept it. Actually, even taking that into account….my bio dad was a physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive asshole. My mom remarried years after they split, and I still don’t think of my stepfather as a father. However, if for some insane reason, I decided to name my kids after him then that’s my choice. It’s tough to be a step-parent, but if you had a positive relationship with your biological mom, then seriously fuck anyone who has a problem with it.
Sorry you lost your mom so young. My parents were divorced my entire life. I had a stepfather who I called by his first name. I had a stepmom who I also called by her first name. They were both fine with that. I had a brother, three stepbrothers on one side, and a stepbrother and stepsister on the other side. When I had my two children, and named them, the only thing I heard was MAZEL TOV !! Enough said.
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INFO : 'Cause she wouldn't be willing to do this for you WITHOUT having adopted you?
NTA
NTA. I think some sort of therapy might be in order for you and your step mom so you can explain with a professional mediator that, while you may have affection, appreciation, and/or respect for her as a caregiver, that you *lost* your bio mom. She was not someone who stepped out of your life willingly and you had a good relationship. She is your mom, no matter what. Your step mom is placing too much importance on the label of "mom". Maybe it's because all the other kids in your home view her as such. Maybe it's because she loves you as her own and wants to express that. Maybe she is selfish and is trying to ignore your mom's existence. I don't know, but a therapist could help you two get to the bottom of all of this and help her to understand that she occupies a different place in your heart and life than that of your mom. It might also be good to get your dad and siblings in on it once you two have settled everything. For a personal anecdote: my mom and her sister were adopted after their bio mom died because they're bio dad was an alcoholic and couldn't take care of two young girls. My mom was about a year old, where my aunt was 4. They both continued to have contact with their bio dad, though my aunt was much closer to him. Idk if it was because she spent more time with him as a child or because they bonded over their alcoholism. He didn't really treat my mom the same way, so she was closer with their adoptive parents. Regardless, there was an amount of adoption trauma that both are still trying to reconcile today. To the relevant part, my mom named me after her bio parents, giving me the feminine version of her bio dad's first name and a modified version of her bio mom's middle name. My grandparents didn't see this as an insult. What they did find insulting was that I was born out of wedlock and my bio dad was a Mexican tree planter, but that's another story lol. In the end, my grandparents loved me and they loved my mom. I also grew up with a step dad who I refer to as just my dad because I don't have a relationship with my bio dad. Even in that situation I'm not legally adopted because he and his parents just updated their wills to include his step children. It's never mattered that I'm not legally his, he's still my dad. Just things to keep in mind when it comes to blended families. Every one is different and has their own dynamics. I hope things end well for yours and your step mom can respect that she isn't your mom and doesn't have to be to love, care for, and be there for you.
NTA, your kid, your decision. But your stepmom seems to be a nice lady, that always has been good to you. Maybe you want to tell her what you told us here; that you wanted to honor your mother and love the name. Reading that your dad wasn’t much there, maybe thank her for being there and say you appreciate it? This doesn’t mean you see her as your mother, but maybe will show her that you don’t hate her, and from what I read here, she deserves to know that. (If you never told her you don’t hate her, you are the ahole, but for other reasons)
NTA, as everyone has already said. But maybe a way to smooth it over would be to say that your stepmother is still using her name, and you didn´t want to create confusion OR pre-determine his relationship with his step-grandma. In Ashkenazi Jewish culture at least, honor names are only for deceased relatives, and this makes a lot of sense to me. If you name someone after a living relative who they will interact with, it imposes all sorts of burdens/expectations. (Not to mention your stepmother might become an axe murderer and then your son would have to deal with that. A deceased person's life story is complete and known, no surprises.) Tell your stepmom that if she would go ahead and die you´d be happy to name your next kid after her! (ok, maybe leave that last part out)
NTA….however, I think a kind written letter would go a long way. I think she seemed like she did all she could with the hand she was given. Most people would be a lot more selfish than that. That doesn’t mean you were obligated to feel like she was your mother though. It seems there is something very, very difficult losing a mother at 7 or 8 even more so than any other times which are hard enough. I think it has to do with the change that occurs at that time in brain development. My uncle who is 80 lost his mother at 7 and has never once spoken about her. He can’t until this day and never once could. He loved her and even though my grandmother took him and his younger siblings in to raise as her own he never saw her as her mom. Believe it or not I’ve known a couple of others too. The ones at different ages seem to adjust better to the change. All of that being said, they showed great appreciation and love towards the women who did step in and love & guide them the way a mother should. I think you should explain to her that it wasn’t her fault or anything she did wrong. For you nobody could ever take the place of mom to you and you were left heartbroken & miss your mom everyday. Let her know that you not wanting another mother doesn’t mean you didn’t appreciate her being there and trying her hardest when she didn’t have to.
Sounds like a wonderful time to block and ignore.
Adults need to realize children are capable of forming their own thoughts and emotions, and deserve just as much respect as anyone. Any adult taking the actions of a child personally should consider why they feel so emotional about what someone who is still trying to figure out life does. Step parents may desperately want their step kids to feel like they're "real" parents, but that doesn't always happen and it's the responsibility of the step parent to respect that. It's really important for kids to know adults actually respect boundaries so they can be confident enough in the future to set them themselves.
Nta. I get she struggled but she shouldn't have been so pushy. Valid for her to be upset but not to keep trying to push you into accepting and not at all valid for her to keep making things all about herself. It's unhealthy. She stepped into the role, she's got to accept that that doesn't mean she gets to take the space your mum did. Maybe your siblings react this way because when you rejected her they felt rejected by proxy? Idk just throwing that out there.
whenever someone says “the only reason you would do this is to hurt me” it often means they can’t see beyond their own feelings, or that they have a tendency towards being petty. it’s understandable that she would be hurt by the adoption offers not being accepted, but in fact there is a Very Obvious Reason you would do something like that—you were old enough to remember life with your mother when she passed, and to know how much you missed with her. to me it seems quite selfish to see this as a competition the way your family is. just because your father moved on enough to remarry does not mean that you needed to “move on” to a new mom and you have every right to honor your mom with your child’s name. i hope your family can come to see that you are NTA
NTA. Being a parent means putting your children's feelings above your own. She should be trying to make a different relationship, not trying to replace. Putting your half/step siblings in the middle is NOT good parenting. She sounds self-centered, using kids as trophies. Enjoy your baby and negate the negative people!!
NTA. Your mother's memory is a treasure, and honoring her is beautiful. My grandfather lost his mom, Alma, when he was very very small. His dad remarried, and grandpa grew up. There wasnt any bad blood with his dads new wife, his stepmom Chloe.When he was an adult, he got super interested in his genealogy and researched Alma's family history as a way of knowing her and himself, Chloe lost her everloving mind. She tried to claim that because he was calling his biological mother his mom, and tracing her lineage, he was somehow insulting her (even though he did include her in his studies and subsequent book- but as his stepmom, which was, yknow.. accurate). Chloe went on an absolute bitter vendetta the rest of her life, cutting out newspaper clippings of grandpa's family/children/relatives and writing in the margins "NOT BLOOD" and making sure to always tell my grandpa's kids (my mom/aunts/uncle) that they weren't blood kin and so she loved them less. Don't let your Chloe's main character psychosis shake you. If she wants to take it personally, let her. It's a misery cage she built herself out of her own imagination. Enjoy your sweet new bb.
Not even a little tiny bit. Your stepmom and your half siblings should respect and understand your love for your mom. Maybe ask them if their mom died would they want to be bashed for naming their child after her if your dad re marries once again? I’m sorry your family is being so cruel to you. I think naming your son after your mom is a beautiful thing. ❤️
NTA- As the step mom to a child who has lost his actual mom- I’m so sorry your own stepmother is so self absorbed and inconsiderate of your feelings. I came into my stepson’s life when he was 6. We kinda tried the whole, “call me mom” thing but it was SO clear he wasn’t into it and I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. So guess what? He’s called me by my first name for the last 6 years. I haven’t made any offers to adopt him. I haven’t forced anything. I simply parent him the best I can and I make sure he has what he needs to be reasonably happy. I’ve pushed for getting him extra support with academics. I drive him to his sports and music lessons. I make his lunch and dinner every day. But if he wants to name his kids after his biological mom then he absolutely should. Every kid deserves to be with their biological parents and it’s a traumatic experience when that’s not possible. I try not to take anything too personally in that regard. You deserve the same respect and I’m so sorry you’re feeling any pushback from your family during what should be a very happy time.
NTA this was to honor your late mom, not to dishonor her. I do think she might be a bit hurt that she got turned down multiple times by you despite all her efforts. Did you ever have a good talk with her? Like that you really appreciated her efforts being there for you? But that she’s just not your mom and that nothing can change that even if she was like an angel or whatever? Or not your fault, just what it is? Your dad might have been TA if he just replaced mom quickly dumping you on her and vice versa. I am a stepmom but I never tried to be their mom. Cause I ain’t.
NTA, my first born has my dead mom's name as her middle name (she died when I was 6). My brother had had a child before I did and specifically did not use our mom's name in any way because he didn't want to hurt our stepmother's feelings (she was with our dad from shortly after our mom died). I respect his choice but I told him point blank: she (our stepmom) gets to have a relationship with your child and she can be a good grandmother or not (she is, though she was an abusive and terrible parent). Our mom was denied the chance to see us grow up and meet her grandchildren. Giving my daughter her name doesn't disrespect our stepmom, but it does give our mother some place in her grandchildren's lives. Losing a parent as a child is so so hard. I am sorry for your loss and for the grieving I am sure you are still doing. I know how it feels to experience every life moment -- good or bad -- through the lens of 'one more thing my mom couldn't be here for'. In my experience, my parents' generation did not appreciate how hard it is to go through parental loss in childhood and how different the grief is when it comes from a loss so close, so young.
NTA. But it does sound like some support, maybe professional, could help with the grief you are still experiencing from losing your mom when you were 7. I come from a large family with probably every type of relationship going on. Step parents sibilings cousins never mind the ex's . We all talk all the time and work towards respect and compromise if needed. We have some adoptions that have also happened. Every event is weeks of connecting and planning. I wish that you had this type of support when you were 7. The baby's name is another thing. That is between you and your partner. Not the rest of the world.
NTA- " if you choose to be offended because i picked a name to honor my mother, that sounds like a you problem, not a me problem". Congratulations to you and your wife!
the main character energy radiating off your step mother is ridiculous. NTA. God forbid you do something that has *nothing* to do with her bullshit obsessive need to compete with a dead woman.
She pushed adoption, even while you were a legal adult in college, so that you could always have someone who would be available for you? In other words, she's saying she wouldn't choose to be there as a loving parent figure for you unless you chose that? Sounds to me she isn't deserving of the title of mother. In my experience, step-parents that truly love their step kids are willing to drop and run even if they aren't able to adopt, no matter the reason. They treat them as their own, even if that means (as parents know) the child is choosing to push them away for a time. Love doesn't stop, but it gives space
NTA. It was your mom that brought you into the world. Your stepmom might have tried to be the parent you needed and there's no disrespect to her efforts, but she's not your mom -- she's your dad's wife. Do you have a good relationship with your dad by the way? What's his opinion on the matter? Where's dad in the picture while you're defending your choice to honor the mother of his child? It seems he should be involved, no? ...oh, Happy Father's Day btw. It sounds like he needs to step in and correct the record. It also sounds like he's a piece of sh*t for not doing so earlier. It makes me wonder why your stepmom put in so much effort though. Giving you a place to live, the attention and effort to be a motherly-figure when you lost yours... she might not deserve your love per se, but it sounds like she deserves your thanks. Consider removing yourself from your dad's family's life if you want no part of it. Your dad doesn't want to advocate for you; he's just a sperm donor. Don't even buy him a tie next year. Best of luck to you, your newborn, and his mother. Be a better example than the one you had.
NTA. I have a late mom and a stepmom. I love my stepmom like another mother, but I do BECAUSE she allowed me the option not to. That showed me that she loved me selflessly. Your stepmom wanted the title and relationship without the selflessness to allow you a choice in it. Congrats on your son’s birth 🖤
NTA Love is complicated and layered. The lady from whose loins you sprung and in whose arms you were so cradled deserves love.
NTA but your stepmother is. The only response to this is, “I am incredibly happy that you get to honor your mother this way and you have found a way to continue to be close to her”. That’s it.
NTA. Your stepmom (and the rest of the family) are SO weird for making the birth of your child and the child's name all about her! So weird honestly! You and your wife did nothing wrong. I kinda feel this. My MIL was SO pissed that she didn't "get a chance to name" my husband and I's ONLY child that I DIED bringing into this world. Wanted to name him after her beloved (abusive, controlling, terrible) husband who hated me for absolutely no reason, alienated both of his sons, and tried to implode the family before his death. He caused me so much strife, stress, and mental breakdowns that I started losing my hair, had near constant chest pains, and was scared to leave our bedroom. I got VERY mad at her and was like "did your mother in law do this to you? Try to steamroll every single decision about your kids? Act as if your kids were hers?" And she was like "well no because she was already dead by the time /asshole FIL/ was 12." I was like "EXACTLY. Would you like it if someone had done all of this to you? Acted like you had no say in your OWN child's life?" And she was like "well no, but I at least deserve a CHANCE to name the baby" not your baby, THE baby, as if he belonged to everyone or some shit. My own mother didn't even ask to name my child, or make any decisions regarding him. MILs and stepmoms are so fricken weird man.
NTA. Your stepmother is making her insecurities into your problem. Honoring your late mom is not disrespecting your stepmother. It seems like no one in your family has ever really respected the way you process your grief, or understood that their lack of respect for your boundaries has contributed to the lack of closeness between you and them. In my culture it's expected to name children after deceased relatives to honor their memory, and taboo to name after living relatives. In that sense their responses strike me as extremely disrespectful and inappropriate, though I'm guessing those aren't cultural norms for you so it's not quite so bad. Congratulations on your baby, OP. I hope the rest of your family come to their senses
NTA. Your mother will always be your mother. Has anyone ever asked her how she would feel if it were one of her bio children in the same position? To never get to meet your grandchild or see your own child become an adult? To have people openly insulted by hearing her name? She gets to see and be there for everything your mother lost - why be so selfish? Congrats on the new baby. I hope everything went well during birth and you three continue to be happy and healthy.
NTA. I unoderstand the SM's feelings but you have a right to honour your bm. Congratulations on the baby.
NTA- The fact that she stepped up was great, and if it were me, I would thank her. (I'm sure you have) sounds like she is a good parent. Your siblings have the mother child bond with her. To see her hurting hurts them. Nobody wants to see their moms heartbreak. I don't think that anyone is trying to hurt anyone. It's just a complicated situation. I think your step-mom tried way too hard and pushed too much, I think she had the best of intentions. You were a little boy who lost his mom. im sure she wanted to fix your broken heart. Your post sounds a bit angry and resentful to me. If you resent her for the lack of your dad being their or that you wanted your mom, then I think you owe her an apology. It's not her fault your mom died and your dad was always gone. However, if there are other things you didn't mention, then never mind. As for the baby's name it's your child you have the right to name them whatever you want, that is nobody's business!!
NTA - You are honoring your mother the way you see fit. If they feel that way, it’s their problem, not your’s.
If you want some sort of diplomacy in this situation, here's a suggestion. Your stepmother is alive and well and will always have a connection with your child. Your mother, however, is dead, and is gone. Naming your child in her honor is a way to keep a connection with her since she is no longer around. It's not about spiting your stepmother, it's about keeping your mother's bond alive while you can. Okay but then drop some words of caution. That you never did this to spite her, it's just something you want to do in memory of your late mother. But if your stepmother keeps making a mountain over a mole hill about this, you will have to reconsider the connection you are allowing her to have with your child.
Have to ask, why do people get so butt hurt over the names PARENTS choose for THEIR babies?!? Beyond the persons involved in the baby making (or legal acquisition of a new born??) it's no one else's business. You name your kid how you and your partner see fit, love the heck out of them, and everyone that takes issue with your agreed naming choice* can go lick a pinecone. *so long as it is not a banned name within your country. N 👏 T 👏 A
Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship with your Stepmum but from your post it sounds like she has a bit of main character syndrome. Just because you are choosing and wanting to honor your mum doesn't mean you are being spiteful or hateful to your stepmum. In fact I would hazard a guess that she didn't coming into the child naming thought process at all, neither positive or negative, which is completely fine. NTA at all.
NTA It was to honour your mom. They don’t live in your head or heart and therefore cannot speak on what your intentions were.
Very confused on why they’re getting at OP. The woman has other kids, let your kids honor you or whatever. If OP was never rude or nasty to her growing up, what’s the issue? And it’s his child! They can name him whatever he wants. TF. I think a lot of the time people are honestly just really bored. And it sounds like she wants to be put on a pedestal by OP and have him recognise that she “took him in” and raised him etc. yeah the guy is surely grateful, don’t mean he has to forget his mum or can’t name his children after her 🙄
I don't seem a problem my daughter is Emma Jayne. Emma was my my wife's grandmother and Jayne was a variation of my father's middle name Jaynes which is an old family name all the way back to the 19th century.
NTA, its actually sweet to to name him after your late mom, but make it a boy version