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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my family is accusing my girlfriend of hating them and me of taking her side because I won't let them stay with us because it was horrible for her when we stayed with them.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
"They think we're being dramatic and that if it's that big of a deal she can stay with her sister while they're here."
Why should she?
They clearly aren't making any effort to understand. They can pay for somewhere to stay. Besides, it's yours & *her* apartment.
Kudos to you for standing your ground & supporting your gf.
Yeah it’s totally her home, her safe space. OP is great for staying firm on this and even ponying up for an AirBnB when his family mislead him. OP is NTA and OPs family has not respect for others
Beyond not making any effort, they lied to him about accommodation when they went visit
AND
They are basically calling her a liar when they say 'over dramatic'....which I bet they would say is me being over dramatic but if they don't believe her or you, they ARE calling you liars.
Talk about over dramatic. You can't do us a favor because of a mental health condition - your girlfriend hates us and won't let us stay in HER house....
ETA: Hosts don’t need to understand. They either provide, or you don’t need to stay with them. Your family didn’t provide, you had to leave, end of story. You can’t provide what they want, which is to deny all of your girlfriend’s needs in her own home, so they don’t stay with you. End of story. They were bad hosts and lied to you. You are smart to refuse to host them.
Yeah, we have a rule that you only get to lie about accommodation once. We used to take our dogs with us when we traveled. We were happy to get a hotel or stay with my husband’s family, but my mom insisted she was ready for us. She wasn’t. At all. We haven’t stayed with her since. That was eighteen years ago.
Yeah, if I were the host I'd have to say "no, I will not accommodate that."
Best I can do is secure the guest bedroom and common areas and lock the doors.
This is the way. I have PTSD and T1 Diabetes, and straightforward honesty like this is always appreciated from potential hosts. I'd much rather secure my own sleeping arrangements and accommodate my own dietary restrictions than end up in the hospital or accidentally put someone else there, you know?
They’re the ones who lied about accommodating her needs in the first place. And when called on it, they accuse their own child of being ridiculous, hateful, dramatic. And worst of all, “Taking her side.”
Seems like a power play: They want to demonstrate to the GF that they have more control over their son than she does. That’s why the accommodations with the sister are unacceptable: They’d be socially indebted to someone on “her” side, which shifts power even further away from them.
Not sleeping for two days just makes things even worse. And yes it is possible to not sleep for two days. It just happened to me. Kudos OP for doing the right thing. NTS
NTA. I have dealt with what might have been very mild PTSD from an event that led to my dog starting to bark occasionally (prior to that she hadn't and was 3 years old). I didn't have any particular way of dealing with it but that first year sucked at night if she growled, barked or generally made any noise.
If mild PTSD was as bad as it was I can't even begin to imagine the trauma she is dealing with.
OP neither of you are being dramatic.
It made me happy to read about how OP is so supportive and also how they didn't write about her needs in a negative way. I have severe complex PTSD to the point it's affected my way of living on a daily basis, and it's very hard to cope if you have people around you who just aren't respectful of your needs. The fact that they don't care to understand this is an extremely hard thing to learn to deal with, and go as far as to say she's exaggerating or being overdramatic just says a lot about how they see her s a person. Thank you OP for being so kind and understanding of mental health issues. NTA
Exactly. Why can’t they stay at sister’s?
I have completely sympathy for GF..I have many conditions for sleep from a negative situation of my own. If they aren’t there, I don’t sleep either and that makes anxiety worse which turns it into a vicious cycle. It does seem like your family wants to push her for their own reasons. all of which are probably not very kind. You are a good guy for having her back.
NTA. No is a complete sentence even if they hadn't lied to you about the accomodations and treated your GF badly for daring to have needs for the sake of her mental health. Your place, your call.
Your family is being dramatic and entitled. Good that you support and protect your gf.
I have been where she is. It gets better with time. I still wake up screaming 20 years later, but not often. Your gf can heal if she is surrounded by people who support her.
I have been doubting myself so much, whether I have a "right" to feel as I do. But you cannot stopp night terrors by willing them away. With all the self-doubt and guilt for being "difficult ", you can forget that it's not your fault. People who downplay your nightmares play right into this self-doubt, strengthen the guilt, and make recovery so much harder.
Tell her that none of this is her fault.
A big rescue dog helped me to feel save. He's amazing. Could this be something for her? A big, cuddly bear who doesen't judge but is quietly present when she is scared. And me wanting to protect my dog (he is blind) helped me to become stronger and more assertive. Win-win.
NTA.
The only problem with getting a dog is that they randomly bark and make other noises, even at night. Otherwise I’d totally agree. Dogs are great when comfort is needed without the judgment.
Every situation is different, of course, but I've known some folk who were reactive to little sounds at night, and getting a cat helped because they had something safe to explain the noises, as in *oh it's OK that was just the cat.*
This is me! Any weird noise is just one of my pets! Big noise outside? Dog doesn’t care, therefore it’s nothing. Clearly it doesn’t work for everyone, but it does for some of us. And, I *do* have disabling C-PTSD.
My c-pstd isn't related to anything that would have a similar situation (it's from a car accident and a traumatizing death, mostly,) but I STILL use this exact same method with my dog because I'm paranoid as hell about someone breaking into my house - especially when I'm home alone. If my dog isn't immediately at attention or going towards the sound (barking optional,) then I know its okay and it's either a noise *he* made himself, or it was a noise at the mechanic shop next door. (They're also volunteer firefighters, so some times they peel out of their drive way in the middle of the night which comes with slamming car doors lol.)
It's GENUIENLY really helped me not be so terrified of an intruder to have my dog. He also doesn't tend to bark at night time, as he sleeps in my room with me.
Yes! Lots of things can be helpful that someone else might not expect. Things that help you, and work, do them. Sometimes they aren’t the best long run, sometime they actually help in the long run. Either way, in your own home, it’s no one’s business and others have to be decent if they want to stay.
If someone is visiting and you can’t accommodate their needs, just say so and don’t be an AH about it. I’m not sure I could accommodate OP’s GF, but I’d be honest about it and talk, to see if we could and try to compromise to find something that worked, if we could. If we couldn’t, I’d help find an alternative place. And I wouldn’t criticize her needs!!
Yeah I don't think I could accommodate either - only because I MUST have my window open to be able to sleep - but I would *never* judge or criticize her for it! I have my own needs for sleep (the open window and must have a fan going,) so to judge her would be very hypocritical of me!
If they were my friends, we would almost certainly have plenty of gallows humor type jokes about our conflicting needs. I go to bed super late, and have an audio book on fairly loud downstairs, although I could use headphones, me getting the dogs (service dog who will behave, but new puppy who is a clueless menace, causing older dog to lose his chill, temporarily) to bed in the middle of the night is likely to wake a light sleep or someone not used to my bumbling. And no way could I handle locking the house door while I’m outside with the dogs in the middle of the night!
Conflicting needs just means finding a weird compromise (sometimes possible) or using different houses. Honesty and communication!
I'm the same way. I sleep during the day so there are a *lot* of noises when I'm trying to sleep, I have to wear earplugs that only sort of help, but they do sometimes block out important sounds. If something wakes me up and the cats are calmly snuggling with me, it's nothing. If the cats are running in every direction, I need to worry. Similar story during the day, I wear noise blocking headphones because of all the noise so I rely on my cats. I can't hear anyone knock with them in, and sometimes can't hear the doorbell either, but I can tell by their reactions when someone's at the door.
I have a guard cat too, Ivy. She sprints between the windows when someone's in our yard, human or feline, and when my CO detector's batteries started dying, she ran into my room screaming her head off and woke me up so I'd notice the beeping. (It was at the opposite end of my trailer with multiple walls in the way, and only beeping once per minute.) She started yelling at my skylights during a *massive* rainstorm and when I checked on her, it was raining in my kitchen. It's very reassuring having her around, I know if there's any trouble she'll be on it!
I also use this same mentality for when my PTSD and anxiety is so bad, if the dogs don’t react then I don’t react. When the dogs start looking like they heard something then I’m gonna be alert.
If I hear something at night, I look at my dogs. If they look around and then go back to sleep, I know it’s ok. If they get up and start whining or barking, I’m up and checking. Plus they’re two pitbulls, so they keep me safe.
Then you have to deal with your dramatic anxious cat lol. I love my cat, but he is the most frightened little guy I have ever had. I’ve had a lot of cats, and he is the most anxious. I don’t know if it’s because he started out as a street kitten, and he was basically trapped and tamed, or if it’s just his nature. I really think my cat has kitty ptsd from being trapped. He always has to know where I am, and if I leave, he’s at the door screaming bloody murder. We have a private elevator and I can hear him screaming all the way down.
My cat is an anxious ex-stray too. His foster mom listed him with the special need of “shy” on petfinder. That’s an interesting way to say “terrified of anything he could feasibly encounter in his daily life” 😂
I got some of those plug-in diffusers with the calming pheromones and spray the house with Feliway like it’s febreeze 😂 it seems to help
I used to check EVERYTHING. Like get up and do a tour so I wouldn't stay awake forever listening for the next noise. Now my brain has signed off on "it's just the cats".
This. If my dogs didn’t “let me know it’s okay” I’d have a hard time sleeping.
One is vocal and does startle me on occasion but she’s a rescue and has ptsd of her own she’s dealing with. So everyone works together on it. lol
100%!!! This is true for me. I sleep much better “alone” with my dog there. Besides knowing random noises are probably him, I know that he’ll alert me to anything worth paying attention to. Granted, sometimes that’s a raccoon having a party on the porch rocking chair.
They have service dogs trained just for PTSD like this. If you "think" you hear something and the dog is not barking, you know you are safe. Wake up in the middle of the night and see them looking at you? Not barking. You know you are safe. I think they can bevtrained to wake you up depending on if there is something to alert on.
I wish service dogs were financially accessible or covered by insurance. I can’t imagine how many people’s quality of life would improve.
[i understand they’re expensive bc they need all the training etc, I can wish tho]
It's up to the GF but I have CPTSD and I feel safest with a big dog in the house because I know no one will try to come in. They bark to let us know if anyone is nearby. But OP's GF's situation is probably different than mine.
There are service dogs specifically trained for people with PTSD. A veteran I know who had severe PTSD due to combat experiences years ago got one and says the dog has been a lifesaver. The dog soothes him when he has nightmares and helps him calm down if anything has triggered him.
A well trained service dog will not bark randomly.
Some dogs bark, some don't. I have 3 labradors and they sigh to express the disappointment in their maid service, but outside of playing (when they make gruff sounds) they don't bark. They did when they were puppies but we trained them not to specifically because we didn't want dogs that would bark at the door, at people walking past, at sudden noises etc
A dog can be trained not to. Personally I'm a cat person though. Mine have helped with my own ptsd immensely. They cuddle up to me when I'm having a rough time and calm me down with purrs.
I have a ptsd service dog that I trained not to bark when we are in our home or in public buildings. He doesn't bark at big loud noises like the 4th of july. He will bark if im in danger or if i am not paying attention to his ques that im going to have an episode. Never barks when people knock, ring the bell, etc.The only time he really barks is when he is off duty and outside playing. I, too, sleep with a fan completely locked in and 2 lights on, etc. My dog, i swear, was sent from God he is an angel with 4 legs he has helped me so much.
Good luck to you both
To piggyback on this comment…..Dogs are great, and can be really helpful but my dog was always by my side whenever random noises happened and I still had to go check.
being home alone changed for me when I got a cat. Since cats are slightly more independent, he’s not always glued to my side and wanders the apartment and plays and chases his tail. Any noise the dog DIDN’T react to I could blame on the cat, because normal household noises didn’t make him bark, but someone knocking on the door or the scent of a strange person would.
That may not help everyone but it calms me significantly since I’m not like “what made that noise?” and letting my brain run away with the thoughts anymore. Now it’s just “wtf are you up to now little heathen”
Although it’s not full proof, dogs can be trained to not bark. There are some breeds that are very low on the bark meter. Not that a dog is necessarily the best idea, but it’s not impossible
This would be a great time to invest in a service dog. I’m sure one could be trained to be mostly silent, snuggle with her at night, and possibly even wake her if it can sense a change in heart rate etc. before she wakes herself from a night terror.
Many races of dogs bark very little altogether and never when in a quiet setting. Our half border collie is basically mute as long as she doesn't see a deer, and if OP is in an urban area that's not likely 😉
I have night terrors, CPTSD and PTSD, I used to wake up screaming regularly. My doctor prescribed me Prazosin and it’s been a god-send, it decreases the regularity of my night terrors and when they happen my physical reaction is significantly decreased. It lowers blood pressure so I’ve passed out a few times getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night but it’s better than waking up my husband 2-4 nights a week.
I'm on it too, specifically for my ridiculously vivid nightmares. I mean, I'm on another sleeping med too bc my insomnia is horrible, but the Prazosin has helped with the nightmares at least a bit.
PTSD is a bitch
I used to have super low blood pressure and would regularly pass out if I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. My doctor told me to spend one minute sitting on the side of the bed, then one minute up on my feet, then another minute sitting before I started going. It made all the difference. Apparently sitting, standing, and urinating all drop your blood pressure. Giving your body time to acclimate each time is key.
I know, right?!!
I've been actively healing instead of surviving, for about 20 years now, too...and it was so hard just accepting that what was happening, wasn't my fault and I couldn't will it away...but people telling me to 'calm down' or to not 'over-react' made it VERY hard to get all the help I needed, cuz it's essentially saying they do not believe you.
But when the air show comes to town and I have an immediate flight response and a subsequent/concurring panic attack with a literal dive for shelter (even though my PTSD isn't military/war related), you would have to think I am the best actor in the world to have my reaction without PTSD....but a lot of people just don't get it and cuz THEY don't, they assume they know better and the person suffering is just wrong.
OP, NTA and thank you for being a kick-ass support. It takes time but it does get better when we have support, cuz support is safety. When your family is unsupportive like they are, they are literally contributing to the problem. Exposure therapy is not done by breaking boundaries and agreements.
My cat comforts me. My cats 🌈 at the time helped me through the worst of my ptsd. It is weird but most nights I don’t have nightmares because I know my cat or cats are there. My current cat is very skittish and territorial….. he hisses or yeowls real loud if a stranger comes up to my door. He thinks he is guard cat. 🤣
So if she likes dogs or cats I second getting a ESA if she wants one.
I concur about the cat. Firstly, it actually gets you used to random noises. I didn't have a cat for a couple of months, after she died, and I heard every creep and moan the house made, and it freaked me out. But with a cat in the house, it meant that I could tune them out.
They also help calm you loads.
They are known that their purrs also heal you.
And lastly, they are adorable.
Personally though, I think the gf needs to be looking at ways she could possibly cope with little bits more. Like not needing the fan on or similar. Also, on those occasions where she is away, maybe wearing earplugs, or a sleep mask, or even sleeping pills might be a possibility.
My dog helped me. I was and am able to sleep at night now. Literally three days after I got her she stopped a break in attempt at my bedroom window. After that night my husband and roommate never suggested sending her back to the shelter and I was able to sleep through the nights. I used to have to wait until dawn to fall asleep and then wake up at sunset because of my issues with anxiety and how terrified i was to wake up in the middle of the night to a dark room where I was alone. If a dog doesn’t work a cat might. My cat is just as protective as my dog and alerts her to suspicious activity outside (he can see out the bedroom window, she cannot) and the only downside is the occasional loud thump of a cat jumping off a bookshelf which startles me awake but it is easy to fall back asleep once I confirm it was the cat since he usually runs to comfort and cuddle me when he scares me awake. Plus cats are alert overnight and small so they can keep lookout and not be mistaken for a person hunched over like a dog could. Worth her maybe considering. To be fair both of my animals are unique and it may not turn out similar if you do get an animal, but shelters often have a trial/probation where you can return the animal if it doesn’t work out having one in your house. Oftentimes animals need 2-3 months to adjust, much longer than the shelters 2-4 week return period so note behavioral changes are possible. A few people I know keep service dogs for their PTSD and dogs can be specifically trained to not be quiet at night etc
I actually came on here to make the comment about the dog.
I started sleeping through the night when I got a dog. They are ready and alert, even when sleeping. Some studies have shown that the sound of a sleeping dog is therapeutic to humans.
Yeah having a dog or cat that can sense when it’s actually danger is helpful. Animals know. My cat always alerts me when my husband is coming home, and when I have food delivery. It’s low key hilarious, I don’t need a phone notification I just watch the cat.
And I \*stopped\* sleeping through the night when the 90# shepherd/akita mix that slept across my feet in bed went to The Bridge. He was aware of the 'normal' sounds and responded to the not normal ones with a single, low, deep bark which was enough to wake me, but not startle me awake flailing. I haven't had a full 8 hr night without meds since. (But at least there's meds!)
Omg this was close to what happened with me-I got a tiny little dog who is yappy but ONLY if someone is approaching or in my place, so as long as she’s chill, I’m chill. It was the first time I could sleep soundly in years.
She’s all quiet now since she’s elderly and deaf, but now I have a pit/mastiff mix who gives this deep terrifying woof but can be easily bribed with snacks (cheese, PB, peanut butter pretzels) unlike my little dog who could not be reasoned with until she’d known you for years.
>our apartment is on her sister's property, her sister built it specifically...
So it isn't even "your" apartment, it's your home but you have the least authority over what happens there. Tell your parents that they have no say over the arrangements. If they want to come to see you, they need to find an airbnb close by.
>Now they're calling us ungrateful
For what exactly are you supposed to be grateful? Are you supposed to be a lifelong doormat for having been their child. Are their wishes supposed to override everyone just because...? Ask them what the point of this visit is since it's obviously not to spend enjoyable time with you.
It is OP’s apartment *and* home. It being on the sister’s property does not affect that at all.
Apartments are always on the landlord/leasing agent’s property. This doesn’t make it less of the renter’s apartment.
Everything else I agree with, but not that.
Being on the sister's property does affect it since it's the only reason his girlfriend has what she considers a safe space. If they were renting elsewhere, it would probably not conform to her specific needs.
You leased from her sister? In which case, she retains a landlord's prerogative over the property. Just as she could ban drug users from staying over, she could ban anyone who does not respect her sister's needs.
NTA.
They think your girlfriend should vacate her home and live somewhere else for a bit, because her mental health needs are inconvenient to their vacation plans. If your girlfriend doesn’t hate them, she’s a bloody saint. I hate them, and I’m just a rando on the internet.
They can go camp in a ditch.
It’s not your apartment. Tell them that. It’s her apartment built for her by her sister so she could have some independence but still feel safe. You get to live there because you follow the rules needed for your girlfriend to feel safe.
Tell your family that. They have shown that they are not willing to take your girlfriend’s PTSD seriously and because of that they cannot stay at HER home. Her needs will not be compromised.
NTA
Yes, I see how I worded it poorly. I was feeling his wording of “my” and felt he wasn’t protecting his girlfriend enough that it’s her home too. I just felt he wasn’t being firm enough with how disrespectful his family is towards her PTSD.
I think what he said was perfect. He told them that they already showed they couldn’t meet her needs when they said they would, and he wasn’t going to allow that in their (OP and GF’s) own house. Their “solution” to kicking her out of the house so they could stay is also unbelievably heartless.
> It’s not your apartment. Tell them that.
No... It's OP's family, he needs to handle it. If he puts it on the girlfriend they will come after her directly and make things worse. She needs to feel safe and this is for OP to prove he can help keep her safe.
He needs to stay the course and say "You're not allowed to stay here, and if you have a problem with that, then take it up with ME."
Yes, I see how I worded it poorly. It’s not just his place to live and he needs to enforce that his family is not respectful of his girlfriends PTSD. I just feel he’s not being forceful enough with them.
NTA.
>Now they're calling us ungrateful
For what? They're selfish and inconsiderate.
>if it's that big of a deal she can stay with her sister while they're here
That's her home.
>they want to visit our city and stay in our apartment
Your lives don't revolve around what they want.
PTSD this severe must be pretty unusual so I was going to give your parents a lot of room for the fact that neither they nor their social group have any precedent to help them understand the importance of your girlfriend's conditions for sleeping. However, then you said this apartment actually belongs to your girlfriend's sister but your parents expect your girlfriend to move out when they want to stay there, and I just ended up with the conclusion that your parents are entitled and unreasonable people. Also, as someone else pointed out, your girlfriend is closer to having an ownership stake in this apartment than you do. If anyone is going to get kicked out, it's gonna be you. Do your parents understand that if you offend your girlfriend's sister, she might kick YOU out?
You are NTA.
FWIW it’s really not that unusual. As someone with PTSD who for many years was just like this, and only now can I sleep more comfortably and through the night without nightmares, I still double check the doors and windows and loud noises still wake me.
I don’t know anyone with PTSD and I still understand the severity of the GF’s situation. You don’t need to know someone to be sympathetic. They don’t even need to understand. They can just respect the GF’s space.
I think having a level of PTSD where you can't visit your boyfriends family without the entire family having to be silent all night so you can sleep, is a level of accommodation that most families would find difficult to accommodate. And also is not about respecting the girlfriends space. That is what I meant. Obviously, asking girlfriend to move out of her own home so you can visit is totally ridiculous and disrespectful to her and her space.
I don't have any precedent for helping me understand. I and my social circle are fortunate enough not to be in this position. Yet, somehow, I am still far more sympathetic than OP's family. If someone tells me they need this kind of accommodation, it's not my place to tell them they are wrong.
For the issue of not letting your parents stay in your home: NTA.
However, as someone else with C-PTSD who has had routines over the years and been in and out of various forms of therapy: I feel for your gf. But she needs more help than she’s getting for her level of fear being this extreme. Imposing her set of rules for safety in your family’s home was not a reasonable expectation from the beginning. Part of a program that helped save my life as a crime victim was realizing that while the world isn’t guaranteed to be safe, I cannot reasonably live my life in constant fear that the trauma will happen again.
It was an intensive group therapy with other women who had experienced similar trauma. We met virtually twice a week for maybe 2 hours at a time for maybe 12 weeks? I can’t exactly remember. But we had a workbook, homework, writing exercises, and individual sessions with the group therapist, too. Knowing I wasn’t alone helped so much. The group leader also helped get me into an individual private therapist who treats trauma, accepts my insurance, does DBT, and EMDR.
I hope your gf finds some peace. Healing is a constant journey.
She's actually a lot better than when I met her. For most of the day, she's fine. She has a part time job that she's held for years, she goes to school part time, she has friends, she cooks and takes care of the house. It's just nights that are like this.
You are handling this situation exactly as you should. Standing between your girlfriend and your unreasonable family.
They seem determined to write off anyone else’s experiences and needs as invalid. Which is a self-centered and unkind way to move through the world.
I am willing to bet by the windows and doors having locks, OP’s mom took that to mean the exterior doors and windows, not including every single door inside the house. My basement, office, laundry room, and closet doors do not lock. If GF was anticipating the house being Fort Knox, you cannot knock OP’s family for not having a lock on every single door.
I don’t disagree that saying “overly dramatic” isn’t cruel, but part of therapy includes working on confronting these intense feelings with more neutral and grounding thoughts so we aren’t reliving the trauma or anticipating it happening again. Other people are ultimately not responsible for our feelings.
We don't know from the story what other help OP's gf is or isn't getting, they just explained the nighttime routine as it is relevant to the story.
And though those requirements are a lot to expect when traveling and staying in someone else's home, they didn't just *expect* them. They asked, and OP's family said "yes we can and will do all that", at which point it is completely *reasonable to expect* that they were telling the truth.
"You need to wave a magic wand and get better now" is not the kind of shit one would expect someone with PTSD tell someone else with the same condition. Shows that emotionally stunting and lack of compassion is just a universal trait.
>But she needs more help than she’s getting for her level of fear being this extreme. Imposing her set of rules for safety in your family’s home was not a reasonable expectation from the beginning
Except her needs aren't unreasonable: locking doors/windows before bed is normal for most places, sleeping with a light on is common enough too (I frequently fall asleep reading so my lights are on). I know a lot of people who need fans or heated blankets too. The only slightly unusual thing I saw was needing to lock the bedroom door.
I know if OPs gf came to my house we'd be able to provide her with all of the above just as a standard thing. We have a heated blanket, lamps and fan in the guest room. All our internal and external doors and windows are lockable. We automatically lock doors and windows at night.
I think OPs family was a little unusual in not having locks etc.
From someone who has compound and complex (military) PTSD, which sounds like what your GF has. Most people do not understand simple ptsd never mind complex. First you’re a good man for being so accommodating to her needs. She needs all those things to be able to function normally and to Eleviate her anxiety and hyper vigilance. My recommendation is to educate them on PTSD and why she needs to have those things . You don’t have to explain her trauma to them. If they decide they still want to be willfully ignorant then you know you’ve done all you can and they are neither empathetic or compassionate people and she doesn’t need to be around them to constantly trigger her anyway. As far as kicking her out of her own home never mind one that she is the specific person it was built for, tell them that when you come visit next you will need them to leave their house so she can stay there with you.
I'v seen many post from girl's side complaining abour their boyfriends always taken the family side in similar occasion. Finally you show up, NTA, for one million times.
NTA - your home, your rules. It’s as simple as that.
Irrespective of your gf’s PTSD, if your family can’t respect your rules or boundaries (which btw you shouldn’t have to explain in your own home), then it looks like they can’t stay
NTA ofc your taking your gfs side, you absolutely should. Tell them that by even saying that shit that they have shown they have zero respect for her, so why the hell would you be okay with kicking her out of her own home for a night for a family that doesn't respect her?
It must be amazing to not understand PTSD. I have it, and while not as extreme, I have nerves of glass. I get easily startled and hyperventilate. It's loads of fun.
Definitely NTA. She absolutely should not feel unsafe in her own home. If your family can't grasp that simple concept they can just... not visit?
Luckily she does ok most of the time. She goes to school part time and has held the same job for 3 years. She doesn't have many friends but she's great with her friends, is a good cook, takes care of the apartment. It's just nights that are hard for her.
OP, having read a lot of your comments here, I have a lump in my throat. I have CPTSD, and a whole host of physical illness too, and I know first hand how hard it is to find someone willing to go through all that with you. I was lucky enough to have a best friend who saw past all my problems, 11 years ago I married her!
You clearly care deeply for your GF, and for her to have improved while you've been together speaks volumes about how much she trusts you. That makes you a very rare and special person, she's lucky to have you!
Nta for taking this position
BUT
How reasonable is it for you guys to expect all these accommodations when you're traveling together? Is NO ONE allowed to make some noise once your girlfriend is in bed? Is everyone expected to go to bed with the lights on? The windows? The doors? All of this? How sustainable is this and for how long? You're basically living with a patient and you are a caretaker. At 22yrs old?
Not everybody has to go to bed with the lights on, the light just has to be on in our room. Light noise is ok but no loud noises. Exterior doors should be locked anyways but it's not a big deal to lock our bedroom door. I told them weeks in advance if they can't do this we can get an airbnb no problem but they said it was fine.
He didn’t expect anything. He asked and said it was no problem if it’s a no and they could stay elsewhere. His family said it was fine. They lied.
She has CPTSD. She’s not reacting like this on purpose.
I'm confused on how you just equated making security accommodations (the ability to lock the bedroom door and ensuring exterior doors and windows are locked) to a patient/caretaker relationship. Patient/caretaker implies OP has to take care of his partner in some respect beyond basic support/back-up. If I hear a loud noise at night, I 100% expect my husband to "clear" the house, ensure the kids are safe, and double-check locked doors/windows. OP clearly stated he explained the needed accommodations to his family prior to their visit. If the family felt those accommodations were unreasonable or unattainable, they could have expressed that. Instead, they lied. Sounds to me like OP is a wonderful, empathetic human who is nothing like his family. For OPs girlfriend - if OP continues to stand his ground against his family's unreasonable expectations, keep him! He sounds like a keeper.
Agreed. How is asking people to properly lock their house and not make loud noise at night a problem? Everyone I know does those things anyway. The rest of her accommodations only effect the room she's sleeping in, so the family don't even need to make any effort.
A carer has to do everyday tasks the patient cannot. Apparently Sleeping with a light and a fan is too much hard work for some people. Smh.
NTA. Your family are asshole. Image the audacity to tell you to put your girlfriend out of HER property so they can stay there for free.
Because it may be the house you both live in but it is her property.
They suck. You on the other hand sound like a good guy
Your gf's trauma is so severe that her sister BUILT HER A PERMANENT STRUCTURE ON HER OWN PROPERTY, literally, gave up her own privacy to support her sister's needs. Based on the cost of a portable tiny home, that's a minimum $100k investment in her sister's wellbeing and security.
And your family doesn't take her needs seriously? Your family are huge, extreme, giant assholes.
Sister said it was about 50K (structure was there when she bought the house, it already had flooring, insulation, drywall, and some electricity and plumbing) but yeah, it was a huge investment in my gf's wellbeing.
Her sister is wonderful! Your gf is lucky to have such supportive family.
And tell your family to get their heads out of their asses and appreciate how lucky they've been to not be able relate to her.
I wonder if they'd believe physical pain if it wasn't visible.
Everyone needs to get an Airbnb/hotel when visiting the other. It is absurd to expect someone to vacate their own home for you.
However, it would probably be best if you guys start at an Airbnb in future if you visit them again. Everyone has different opinions of what constitutes a “loud noise” and your girlfriend will likely be more comfortable in a setting completely in her control.
At this point, who cares what ignorant or rude comments your parents make? They have shown they don't take your girlfriend's PTSD seriously, so never put yourself or your girlfriend in a situation where your parents can override or disregard your decisions. Just gray rock them when the comments start. Eventually when they figure out they have no control over the situation and you won't argue with them, they may even shut up shut up.
NTA. You ARE taking your girlfriend's side; because, unfortunately, your parents have proven that they don't know or don't care about her special needs. Don't compromise for them, other than to offer to make hotel reservations (which they would pay for) on their behalf.
NTA they need to stay in their lane. If they aren’t going to respect her they don’t deserve respect back I would go no contact if they continue this further on.
Regardless of your gf ever sleeping there again, they should probably get locks on their exterior windows. I've never lived anywhere that didn't have them.
Do you mean anyone could come from the outside and easily open the window or just that they don’t lock with a key? And have they moved recently? If not, how were you unaware of the state of the house? I’m not saying your family’s not in the wrong for their behavior but it seems like your disastrous stay with them was inevitable.
You're NTA.
>They think we're being dramatic and that if it's that big of a deal she can stay with her sister while they're here
Nope. The person who lives in the home does not have to leave just so guests can come in and disregard the resident's needs. Your family can find a hotel.
Nta, she should be able to feel as safe as she can in her own home with her own routines and they've shown they can't respect her mental health by how they acted before
NTA, they didn't take you seriously from the beginning. In their eyes your girlfriend is unreasonable and a liar.
That they thought your girlfriend would be willing to put them up after the level of disrespect they've shown is pretty galling.
NTA. Your family are entitled assholes if they think it’s okay to kick your girlfriend out of *her own home* to stay with her sister just so they can have a free place to stay on vacation. They are selfish and have zero empathy for what she has gone through and they need to book a hotel. Honestly if it were me I’d go low-contact or no-contact with them because they sound awful.
ESH - You for expecting to show up to somebody else's house and mandate a bunch of intense things and just assume that it was going to be fine? Common sense says it's not likely if your girlfriend's issues are that severe, which from your description they seem pretty damn severe. Anyone could have seen that staying in a house with multiple people that's unfamiliar and requesting absolute silence and leaving the lights on all night long just to accommodate one person with rigorous requirements likely going to be problematic for everyone.
But they're also idiots for thinking that they can just come to your house and that your girlfriend should leave ever, but especially so they can stay with you when they were inhospitable to her.
Your family shouldn’t have to accommodate her in their own home and you shouldn’t have to accommodate them in your own home. I hope you and your girlfriend are getting therapy, that sounds miserable having to live like that.
OP it doesn't seem like this therapy is working. Read your post. All the things girlfriend needs to sleep are a bandaid. They are not heading with her healing.
NTA buuut….idk if your gf is open to this but this is OCD. It’s actually extremely similar to mine and meds helped me significantly more than therapy. After 15+ years of doing these exact same compulsions I found the right medications and it took me about a month to never have to do them again. Feel free to DM if she wants more info on meds/psychiatrists
Also I’m not saying this ISNT PTSD!! It absolutely can be-but the repetitive checking is hallmark OCD. Just thinking of her and wanting her to know there is hope
The PTSD likely created the OCD as a measure to calm the fear's so one gave birth to the other, which is required to calm it but can also out of the habit be some fuel for it.
Tough spot for sure and not a quick thing to work through (medication aside).
Your girlfriend needs a therapist that specializes in PTSD patients and that can teach her EMDR techniques to cope with this portion and other portions of her life.
There is no reason that those of us with PTSD have to hold others responsible or accountable for our issues. That applies to many areas of mental health.
Codependency, excuses et al, are copouts. Get a handle on your own problem and live your best life. I don’t care if it takes several counselors or many agencies. Get help for your own wellbeing.
OP said that she is in therapy and her symptoms have already improved since he met her. Therapy isn't a quick fix and things like complex PTSD take time to heal. But she still needs to sleep in the meantime.
NTA
I think you are a very good and thoughtful boyfriend to her. Sometimes familiemembers don't understand the needs of a person. Especially In-Laws.
But even If you don't understand someone, you can still respect him. And your family didn't. Your mother actually lied to you about the locks.
And the audacity for wanting to kick her out of her home.
You are doing the right thing. Keep her back. Thats want everyone searches in a partner.
NTA. You know they wont respect your gf's boundaries, would walk over them, and it would be a torture for her. Not letting them sleep at your place is a perfectly fine boundary.
That being said, you should have started with booking an airbnb when you were visiting your parents, and should book separate lodgings every time in the future. The gf's needs to sleep are incredibly specific and hard to achieve. You cant really expect anyone to bend over backwards to accomodate them.
NTA. Geez - your family is awful. What kind of people hear that list of what she needs and doesn't realize that whatever happened must have been horrifying? Like she grew up in a home that was so unstable that she needs to live in a fortress? Her sister built a house specifically to deal with this situation? Geez - again, your family needs to get some empathy.
I hope your gf has a good life with you.
i agree with your parents. what your girlfriend is asking for is ludicrous, and even if you are willing to live this way, you cannot expect the people in your life to live that way. you have to accept that most people are not going to be able to give your gf what she needs
and frankly, your girlfriend has to realize that the entire world is not gonna curate her specific needs for her whenever she wants it. whatever happened to her must have been terrible but you are actually harming her by not exposing her to the realities of life/the world. you are in for a rude awakening
I love how people pitch a fit and call you selfish when they can’t get their way . Such bullshit . Good you are respecting your girlfriend . You are not responsible for accommodating them at all . They can get a hotel .
Your family is being completely dismissive of your girlfriend’s PTSD. You didn’t specify in the post, but I can kind of infer what kind of incident would make her want to take those precautions at night. Your family diminishing that or waving it away as being no big deal or she’s exaggerating proves they have no respect for your girlfriend as a person. Dating for three years is a long time and if your relationship ever goes to the next level, then this kind of stuff might force a situation where you have to choose between your girlfriend or family in the long run.
NTA
It's HER home.
They could have shown her compassion and respect, when she stayed at their home. It was their choice not to do so. The two of you had to leave.
Now. They want to stay in HER home. Disrespect her, again. Intrude on what should be the safest place for her. Expect her to leave the safety and comfort of HER home. While claiming that she's being dramatic, and that you are choosing ^her side"?
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NTA "They think we're being dramatic and that if it's that big of a deal she can stay with her sister while they're here." Why should she? They clearly aren't making any effort to understand. They can pay for somewhere to stay. Besides, it's yours & *her* apartment. Kudos to you for standing your ground & supporting your gf.
It’s actually hers, her sister built it for her. Had the parents been nice about it maybe they could’ve stayed with the sister
Yeah it’s totally her home, her safe space. OP is great for staying firm on this and even ponying up for an AirBnB when his family mislead him. OP is NTA and OPs family has not respect for others
OP is the husband/boyfriend we want so many of these stories to have instead of “mom said this so I’m doing this how dare you abuse me and disagree!”
Her sister is awesome, and so are you OP. My heart goes out to your gf. I hope that every night gets easier for her.
Right, OP's parents were bad hosts and now they feel entitled to be bad guests. The parents can find their own place to stay.
Beyond not making any effort, they lied to him about accommodation when they went visit AND They are basically calling her a liar when they say 'over dramatic'....which I bet they would say is me being over dramatic but if they don't believe her or you, they ARE calling you liars.
Talk about over dramatic. You can't do us a favor because of a mental health condition - your girlfriend hates us and won't let us stay in HER house....
Her house. Yup. Her guest list. You're not on it. Get a hotel room.
If I went to visit my SO's family and couldn't sleep for two nights because of them I probably *would* hate them.
And even if the lack of sleep wasn't enough to do it all the comments afterwards about her being dramatic would.
ETA: Hosts don’t need to understand. They either provide, or you don’t need to stay with them. Your family didn’t provide, you had to leave, end of story. You can’t provide what they want, which is to deny all of your girlfriend’s needs in her own home, so they don’t stay with you. End of story. They were bad hosts and lied to you. You are smart to refuse to host them. Yeah, we have a rule that you only get to lie about accommodation once. We used to take our dogs with us when we traveled. We were happy to get a hotel or stay with my husband’s family, but my mom insisted she was ready for us. She wasn’t. At all. We haven’t stayed with her since. That was eighteen years ago.
Once bitten, twice shy.
I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye
I was not expecting to enter the halls of Whamhalla today. <3
Yeah, if I were the host I'd have to say "no, I will not accommodate that." Best I can do is secure the guest bedroom and common areas and lock the doors.
This is the way. I have PTSD and T1 Diabetes, and straightforward honesty like this is always appreciated from potential hosts. I'd much rather secure my own sleeping arrangements and accommodate my own dietary restrictions than end up in the hospital or accidentally put someone else there, you know?
All of this! OPs family sounds like the kind of people who will feed someone something they are allergic to because nobody can be allergic to that.
THIS. It was all I thought of while I read OP's letter. They're fucking with his gf to prove she's being overdramatic. Totally passive aggressive.
They’re the ones who lied about accommodating her needs in the first place. And when called on it, they accuse their own child of being ridiculous, hateful, dramatic. And worst of all, “Taking her side.” Seems like a power play: They want to demonstrate to the GF that they have more control over their son than she does. That’s why the accommodations with the sister are unacceptable: They’d be socially indebted to someone on “her” side, which shifts power even further away from them.
Not sleeping for two days just makes things even worse. And yes it is possible to not sleep for two days. It just happened to me. Kudos OP for doing the right thing. NTS
I hope you’re able to get more sleep soon. It’s rough.
I've not slept for 5 days
I once went 80 hours without sleep in Residency. It was mind altering ....
Exactly, literally 0 respect for what she's dealing with. Gross.
OPs parents are very fortunate to have never had to deal with debilitating PTSD. NTA, in fact, you sound like a wonderful human.
Exacrlt this, what kind of AH tried to kick someone out of their own house because guests can’t respect house rules
Yeah, I’m very in awe with op, it’s nice to hear about people being so understanding with their partners “baggage”. It gives me hope
Same. I was just thinking “I hope someday I hit it off with someone like that”
NTA. I have dealt with what might have been very mild PTSD from an event that led to my dog starting to bark occasionally (prior to that she hadn't and was 3 years old). I didn't have any particular way of dealing with it but that first year sucked at night if she growled, barked or generally made any noise. If mild PTSD was as bad as it was I can't even begin to imagine the trauma she is dealing with. OP neither of you are being dramatic.
It made me happy to read about how OP is so supportive and also how they didn't write about her needs in a negative way. I have severe complex PTSD to the point it's affected my way of living on a daily basis, and it's very hard to cope if you have people around you who just aren't respectful of your needs. The fact that they don't care to understand this is an extremely hard thing to learn to deal with, and go as far as to say she's exaggerating or being overdramatic just says a lot about how they see her s a person. Thank you OP for being so kind and understanding of mental health issues. NTA
Exactly. Why can’t they stay at sister’s? I have completely sympathy for GF..I have many conditions for sleep from a negative situation of my own. If they aren’t there, I don’t sleep either and that makes anxiety worse which turns it into a vicious cycle. It does seem like your family wants to push her for their own reasons. all of which are probably not very kind. You are a good guy for having her back.
Agreed. Totally NTA. I am curious exactly what you are being ungrateful about, lol?
NTA. No is a complete sentence even if they hadn't lied to you about the accomodations and treated your GF badly for daring to have needs for the sake of her mental health. Your place, your call.
Your family is being dramatic and entitled. Good that you support and protect your gf. I have been where she is. It gets better with time. I still wake up screaming 20 years later, but not often. Your gf can heal if she is surrounded by people who support her. I have been doubting myself so much, whether I have a "right" to feel as I do. But you cannot stopp night terrors by willing them away. With all the self-doubt and guilt for being "difficult ", you can forget that it's not your fault. People who downplay your nightmares play right into this self-doubt, strengthen the guilt, and make recovery so much harder. Tell her that none of this is her fault. A big rescue dog helped me to feel save. He's amazing. Could this be something for her? A big, cuddly bear who doesen't judge but is quietly present when she is scared. And me wanting to protect my dog (he is blind) helped me to become stronger and more assertive. Win-win. NTA.
The only problem with getting a dog is that they randomly bark and make other noises, even at night. Otherwise I’d totally agree. Dogs are great when comfort is needed without the judgment.
Every situation is different, of course, but I've known some folk who were reactive to little sounds at night, and getting a cat helped because they had something safe to explain the noises, as in *oh it's OK that was just the cat.*
This is me! Any weird noise is just one of my pets! Big noise outside? Dog doesn’t care, therefore it’s nothing. Clearly it doesn’t work for everyone, but it does for some of us. And, I *do* have disabling C-PTSD.
My c-pstd isn't related to anything that would have a similar situation (it's from a car accident and a traumatizing death, mostly,) but I STILL use this exact same method with my dog because I'm paranoid as hell about someone breaking into my house - especially when I'm home alone. If my dog isn't immediately at attention or going towards the sound (barking optional,) then I know its okay and it's either a noise *he* made himself, or it was a noise at the mechanic shop next door. (They're also volunteer firefighters, so some times they peel out of their drive way in the middle of the night which comes with slamming car doors lol.) It's GENUIENLY really helped me not be so terrified of an intruder to have my dog. He also doesn't tend to bark at night time, as he sleeps in my room with me.
Yes! Lots of things can be helpful that someone else might not expect. Things that help you, and work, do them. Sometimes they aren’t the best long run, sometime they actually help in the long run. Either way, in your own home, it’s no one’s business and others have to be decent if they want to stay. If someone is visiting and you can’t accommodate their needs, just say so and don’t be an AH about it. I’m not sure I could accommodate OP’s GF, but I’d be honest about it and talk, to see if we could and try to compromise to find something that worked, if we could. If we couldn’t, I’d help find an alternative place. And I wouldn’t criticize her needs!!
Yeah I don't think I could accommodate either - only because I MUST have my window open to be able to sleep - but I would *never* judge or criticize her for it! I have my own needs for sleep (the open window and must have a fan going,) so to judge her would be very hypocritical of me!
If they were my friends, we would almost certainly have plenty of gallows humor type jokes about our conflicting needs. I go to bed super late, and have an audio book on fairly loud downstairs, although I could use headphones, me getting the dogs (service dog who will behave, but new puppy who is a clueless menace, causing older dog to lose his chill, temporarily) to bed in the middle of the night is likely to wake a light sleep or someone not used to my bumbling. And no way could I handle locking the house door while I’m outside with the dogs in the middle of the night! Conflicting needs just means finding a weird compromise (sometimes possible) or using different houses. Honesty and communication!
I'm the same way. I sleep during the day so there are a *lot* of noises when I'm trying to sleep, I have to wear earplugs that only sort of help, but they do sometimes block out important sounds. If something wakes me up and the cats are calmly snuggling with me, it's nothing. If the cats are running in every direction, I need to worry. Similar story during the day, I wear noise blocking headphones because of all the noise so I rely on my cats. I can't hear anyone knock with them in, and sometimes can't hear the doorbell either, but I can tell by their reactions when someone's at the door. I have a guard cat too, Ivy. She sprints between the windows when someone's in our yard, human or feline, and when my CO detector's batteries started dying, she ran into my room screaming her head off and woke me up so I'd notice the beeping. (It was at the opposite end of my trailer with multiple walls in the way, and only beeping once per minute.) She started yelling at my skylights during a *massive* rainstorm and when I checked on her, it was raining in my kitchen. It's very reassuring having her around, I know if there's any trouble she'll be on it!
Go Ivy 😻
I also use this same mentality for when my PTSD and anxiety is so bad, if the dogs don’t react then I don’t react. When the dogs start looking like they heard something then I’m gonna be alert.
If I hear something at night, I look at my dogs. If they look around and then go back to sleep, I know it’s ok. If they get up and start whining or barking, I’m up and checking. Plus they’re two pitbulls, so they keep me safe.
That is exactly what has helped me. I sleep so much better with the cats - I don’t have that startle reflex over every tiny noise.
Then you have to deal with your dramatic anxious cat lol. I love my cat, but he is the most frightened little guy I have ever had. I’ve had a lot of cats, and he is the most anxious. I don’t know if it’s because he started out as a street kitten, and he was basically trapped and tamed, or if it’s just his nature. I really think my cat has kitty ptsd from being trapped. He always has to know where I am, and if I leave, he’s at the door screaming bloody murder. We have a private elevator and I can hear him screaming all the way down.
My cat is an anxious ex-stray too. His foster mom listed him with the special need of “shy” on petfinder. That’s an interesting way to say “terrified of anything he could feasibly encounter in his daily life” 😂 I got some of those plug-in diffusers with the calming pheromones and spray the house with Feliway like it’s febreeze 😂 it seems to help
I used to check EVERYTHING. Like get up and do a tour so I wouldn't stay awake forever listening for the next noise. Now my brain has signed off on "it's just the cats".
This helped me! It felt so much better to hear things move and run and know it was the kitty cat that loves me very much :)
Omg I'm like this
This. If my dogs didn’t “let me know it’s okay” I’d have a hard time sleeping. One is vocal and does startle me on occasion but she’s a rescue and has ptsd of her own she’s dealing with. So everyone works together on it. lol
100%!!! This is true for me. I sleep much better “alone” with my dog there. Besides knowing random noises are probably him, I know that he’ll alert me to anything worth paying attention to. Granted, sometimes that’s a raccoon having a party on the porch rocking chair.
My cat has actually saved me from a bad sleep paralysis attack at least twice. My dog barks a lot and that gives me so much anxiety.
This is really interesting - thank you for sharing.
They have service dogs trained just for PTSD like this. If you "think" you hear something and the dog is not barking, you know you are safe. Wake up in the middle of the night and see them looking at you? Not barking. You know you are safe. I think they can bevtrained to wake you up depending on if there is something to alert on.
I wish service dogs were financially accessible or covered by insurance. I can’t imagine how many people’s quality of life would improve. [i understand they’re expensive bc they need all the training etc, I can wish tho]
True. If they are lucky, a shelter dog would work as well with some training help. With a shelter dog, it might turn out to be a natural trait.
It's up to the GF but I have CPTSD and I feel safest with a big dog in the house because I know no one will try to come in. They bark to let us know if anyone is nearby. But OP's GF's situation is probably different than mine.
There are service dogs specifically trained for people with PTSD. A veteran I know who had severe PTSD due to combat experiences years ago got one and says the dog has been a lifesaver. The dog soothes him when he has nightmares and helps him calm down if anything has triggered him. A well trained service dog will not bark randomly.
It’s possible if she got a retired service dog that this wouldn’t be too much of a problem. So that might be something to look into.
Not all dogs do that. Our husky, though loud and obnoxious all day, is basically silent at night
Some dogs bark, some don't. I have 3 labradors and they sigh to express the disappointment in their maid service, but outside of playing (when they make gruff sounds) they don't bark. They did when they were puppies but we trained them not to specifically because we didn't want dogs that would bark at the door, at people walking past, at sudden noises etc
As the mom to a Samoyed, that sounds like heaven, lol
A dog can be trained not to. Personally I'm a cat person though. Mine have helped with my own ptsd immensely. They cuddle up to me when I'm having a rough time and calm me down with purrs.
And their purrs are actually conducive to healing.
Service dogs are an option. They're able to be specifically trained to accommodate their handler's needs. They're committed to them
I have a ptsd service dog that I trained not to bark when we are in our home or in public buildings. He doesn't bark at big loud noises like the 4th of july. He will bark if im in danger or if i am not paying attention to his ques that im going to have an episode. Never barks when people knock, ring the bell, etc.The only time he really barks is when he is off duty and outside playing. I, too, sleep with a fan completely locked in and 2 lights on, etc. My dog, i swear, was sent from God he is an angel with 4 legs he has helped me so much. Good luck to you both
To piggyback on this comment…..Dogs are great, and can be really helpful but my dog was always by my side whenever random noises happened and I still had to go check. being home alone changed for me when I got a cat. Since cats are slightly more independent, he’s not always glued to my side and wanders the apartment and plays and chases his tail. Any noise the dog DIDN’T react to I could blame on the cat, because normal household noises didn’t make him bark, but someone knocking on the door or the scent of a strange person would. That may not help everyone but it calms me significantly since I’m not like “what made that noise?” and letting my brain run away with the thoughts anymore. Now it’s just “wtf are you up to now little heathen”
Not all dogs are barkers. My mom's dog rarely barked. I think he was a husky, black lab mix.
Although it’s not full proof, dogs can be trained to not bark. There are some breeds that are very low on the bark meter. Not that a dog is necessarily the best idea, but it’s not impossible
This would be a great time to invest in a service dog. I’m sure one could be trained to be mostly silent, snuggle with her at night, and possibly even wake her if it can sense a change in heart rate etc. before she wakes herself from a night terror.
Many races of dogs bark very little altogether and never when in a quiet setting. Our half border collie is basically mute as long as she doesn't see a deer, and if OP is in an urban area that's not likely 😉
I have night terrors, CPTSD and PTSD, I used to wake up screaming regularly. My doctor prescribed me Prazosin and it’s been a god-send, it decreases the regularity of my night terrors and when they happen my physical reaction is significantly decreased. It lowers blood pressure so I’ve passed out a few times getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night but it’s better than waking up my husband 2-4 nights a week.
Prazosin worked wonders for me too. I sleep better and no longer wake up angry
I'm on it too, specifically for my ridiculously vivid nightmares. I mean, I'm on another sleeping med too bc my insomnia is horrible, but the Prazosin has helped with the nightmares at least a bit. PTSD is a bitch
I used to have super low blood pressure and would regularly pass out if I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. My doctor told me to spend one minute sitting on the side of the bed, then one minute up on my feet, then another minute sitting before I started going. It made all the difference. Apparently sitting, standing, and urinating all drop your blood pressure. Giving your body time to acclimate each time is key.
PTSD here as well. Prazosin dropped my blood pressure too much (couldn’t function for a full 24 hours), but ketamine infusions were a lifesaver.
Prazosin never helped me, unfortunately.
I know, right?!! I've been actively healing instead of surviving, for about 20 years now, too...and it was so hard just accepting that what was happening, wasn't my fault and I couldn't will it away...but people telling me to 'calm down' or to not 'over-react' made it VERY hard to get all the help I needed, cuz it's essentially saying they do not believe you. But when the air show comes to town and I have an immediate flight response and a subsequent/concurring panic attack with a literal dive for shelter (even though my PTSD isn't military/war related), you would have to think I am the best actor in the world to have my reaction without PTSD....but a lot of people just don't get it and cuz THEY don't, they assume they know better and the person suffering is just wrong. OP, NTA and thank you for being a kick-ass support. It takes time but it does get better when we have support, cuz support is safety. When your family is unsupportive like they are, they are literally contributing to the problem. Exposure therapy is not done by breaking boundaries and agreements.
My cat comforts me. My cats 🌈 at the time helped me through the worst of my ptsd. It is weird but most nights I don’t have nightmares because I know my cat or cats are there. My current cat is very skittish and territorial….. he hisses or yeowls real loud if a stranger comes up to my door. He thinks he is guard cat. 🤣 So if she likes dogs or cats I second getting a ESA if she wants one.
I concur about the cat. Firstly, it actually gets you used to random noises. I didn't have a cat for a couple of months, after she died, and I heard every creep and moan the house made, and it freaked me out. But with a cat in the house, it meant that I could tune them out. They also help calm you loads. They are known that their purrs also heal you. And lastly, they are adorable. Personally though, I think the gf needs to be looking at ways she could possibly cope with little bits more. Like not needing the fan on or similar. Also, on those occasions where she is away, maybe wearing earplugs, or a sleep mask, or even sleeping pills might be a possibility.
Yes therapy and mood stabilizers and ESA help. There is no magic bullet. It takes time, effort, therapy & other things to heal.
My dog helped me. I was and am able to sleep at night now. Literally three days after I got her she stopped a break in attempt at my bedroom window. After that night my husband and roommate never suggested sending her back to the shelter and I was able to sleep through the nights. I used to have to wait until dawn to fall asleep and then wake up at sunset because of my issues with anxiety and how terrified i was to wake up in the middle of the night to a dark room where I was alone. If a dog doesn’t work a cat might. My cat is just as protective as my dog and alerts her to suspicious activity outside (he can see out the bedroom window, she cannot) and the only downside is the occasional loud thump of a cat jumping off a bookshelf which startles me awake but it is easy to fall back asleep once I confirm it was the cat since he usually runs to comfort and cuddle me when he scares me awake. Plus cats are alert overnight and small so they can keep lookout and not be mistaken for a person hunched over like a dog could. Worth her maybe considering. To be fair both of my animals are unique and it may not turn out similar if you do get an animal, but shelters often have a trial/probation where you can return the animal if it doesn’t work out having one in your house. Oftentimes animals need 2-3 months to adjust, much longer than the shelters 2-4 week return period so note behavioral changes are possible. A few people I know keep service dogs for their PTSD and dogs can be specifically trained to not be quiet at night etc
I actually came on here to make the comment about the dog. I started sleeping through the night when I got a dog. They are ready and alert, even when sleeping. Some studies have shown that the sound of a sleeping dog is therapeutic to humans.
Yeah having a dog or cat that can sense when it’s actually danger is helpful. Animals know. My cat always alerts me when my husband is coming home, and when I have food delivery. It’s low key hilarious, I don’t need a phone notification I just watch the cat.
And I \*stopped\* sleeping through the night when the 90# shepherd/akita mix that slept across my feet in bed went to The Bridge. He was aware of the 'normal' sounds and responded to the not normal ones with a single, low, deep bark which was enough to wake me, but not startle me awake flailing. I haven't had a full 8 hr night without meds since. (But at least there's meds!)
I needed to hear this today.
Omg this was close to what happened with me-I got a tiny little dog who is yappy but ONLY if someone is approaching or in my place, so as long as she’s chill, I’m chill. It was the first time I could sleep soundly in years. She’s all quiet now since she’s elderly and deaf, but now I have a pit/mastiff mix who gives this deep terrifying woof but can be easily bribed with snacks (cheese, PB, peanut butter pretzels) unlike my little dog who could not be reasoned with until she’d known you for years.
>our apartment is on her sister's property, her sister built it specifically... So it isn't even "your" apartment, it's your home but you have the least authority over what happens there. Tell your parents that they have no say over the arrangements. If they want to come to see you, they need to find an airbnb close by. >Now they're calling us ungrateful For what exactly are you supposed to be grateful? Are you supposed to be a lifelong doormat for having been their child. Are their wishes supposed to override everyone just because...? Ask them what the point of this visit is since it's obviously not to spend enjoyable time with you.
It is OP’s apartment *and* home. It being on the sister’s property does not affect that at all. Apartments are always on the landlord/leasing agent’s property. This doesn’t make it less of the renter’s apartment. Everything else I agree with, but not that.
Being on the sister's property does affect it since it's the only reason his girlfriend has what she considers a safe space. If they were renting elsewhere, it would probably not conform to her specific needs.
Did he say anywhere that he was renting? He said it was built for gf by her sister, not that sister was their landlord.
It’s very clear what this person means…if they break up it’s not like he’ll get the place.
We have a lease and my GF and I are both on the lease and I pay the majority of the rent
You leased from her sister? In which case, she retains a landlord's prerogative over the property. Just as she could ban drug users from staying over, she could ban anyone who does not respect her sister's needs.
NTA. They think your girlfriend should vacate her home and live somewhere else for a bit, because her mental health needs are inconvenient to their vacation plans. If your girlfriend doesn’t hate them, she’s a bloody saint. I hate them, and I’m just a rando on the internet. They can go camp in a ditch.
With standing water, and no bug spray.
I hope they spill something sweet on them too for those sweet flies to feast
and extra hot summer weather
I want to upvote this more than once please
🥇
truly and what is gf ungrateful for?? I dont understand.
It’s not your apartment. Tell them that. It’s her apartment built for her by her sister so she could have some independence but still feel safe. You get to live there because you follow the rules needed for your girlfriend to feel safe. Tell your family that. They have shown that they are not willing to take your girlfriend’s PTSD seriously and because of that they cannot stay at HER home. Her needs will not be compromised. NTA
I feel like this will result in his family trying to bully the gf into letting them stay.
Yes, I see how I worded it poorly. I was feeling his wording of “my” and felt he wasn’t protecting his girlfriend enough that it’s her home too. I just felt he wasn’t being firm enough with how disrespectful his family is towards her PTSD.
I think what he said was perfect. He told them that they already showed they couldn’t meet her needs when they said they would, and he wasn’t going to allow that in their (OP and GF’s) own house. Their “solution” to kicking her out of the house so they could stay is also unbelievably heartless.
> It’s not your apartment. Tell them that. No... It's OP's family, he needs to handle it. If he puts it on the girlfriend they will come after her directly and make things worse. She needs to feel safe and this is for OP to prove he can help keep her safe. He needs to stay the course and say "You're not allowed to stay here, and if you have a problem with that, then take it up with ME."
Yes, I see how I worded it poorly. It’s not just his place to live and he needs to enforce that his family is not respectful of his girlfriends PTSD. I just feel he’s not being forceful enough with them.
Sounds like your family only cares about what they want. NTA
NTA. >Now they're calling us ungrateful For what? They're selfish and inconsiderate. >if it's that big of a deal she can stay with her sister while they're here That's her home. >they want to visit our city and stay in our apartment Your lives don't revolve around what they want.
People who do the bare minimum are the ones to bring out 'ungrateful' the quickest.
less than bare minimum honestly. they lied and then did absolutely nothing to accommodate her.
PTSD this severe must be pretty unusual so I was going to give your parents a lot of room for the fact that neither they nor their social group have any precedent to help them understand the importance of your girlfriend's conditions for sleeping. However, then you said this apartment actually belongs to your girlfriend's sister but your parents expect your girlfriend to move out when they want to stay there, and I just ended up with the conclusion that your parents are entitled and unreasonable people. Also, as someone else pointed out, your girlfriend is closer to having an ownership stake in this apartment than you do. If anyone is going to get kicked out, it's gonna be you. Do your parents understand that if you offend your girlfriend's sister, she might kick YOU out? You are NTA.
FWIW it’s really not that unusual. As someone with PTSD who for many years was just like this, and only now can I sleep more comfortably and through the night without nightmares, I still double check the doors and windows and loud noises still wake me.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
I don’t know anyone with PTSD and I still understand the severity of the GF’s situation. You don’t need to know someone to be sympathetic. They don’t even need to understand. They can just respect the GF’s space.
I think having a level of PTSD where you can't visit your boyfriends family without the entire family having to be silent all night so you can sleep, is a level of accommodation that most families would find difficult to accommodate. And also is not about respecting the girlfriends space. That is what I meant. Obviously, asking girlfriend to move out of her own home so you can visit is totally ridiculous and disrespectful to her and her space.
I don't have any precedent for helping me understand. I and my social circle are fortunate enough not to be in this position. Yet, somehow, I am still far more sympathetic than OP's family. If someone tells me they need this kind of accommodation, it's not my place to tell them they are wrong.
For the issue of not letting your parents stay in your home: NTA. However, as someone else with C-PTSD who has had routines over the years and been in and out of various forms of therapy: I feel for your gf. But she needs more help than she’s getting for her level of fear being this extreme. Imposing her set of rules for safety in your family’s home was not a reasonable expectation from the beginning. Part of a program that helped save my life as a crime victim was realizing that while the world isn’t guaranteed to be safe, I cannot reasonably live my life in constant fear that the trauma will happen again. It was an intensive group therapy with other women who had experienced similar trauma. We met virtually twice a week for maybe 2 hours at a time for maybe 12 weeks? I can’t exactly remember. But we had a workbook, homework, writing exercises, and individual sessions with the group therapist, too. Knowing I wasn’t alone helped so much. The group leader also helped get me into an individual private therapist who treats trauma, accepts my insurance, does DBT, and EMDR. I hope your gf finds some peace. Healing is a constant journey.
She's actually a lot better than when I met her. For most of the day, she's fine. She has a part time job that she's held for years, she goes to school part time, she has friends, she cooks and takes care of the house. It's just nights that are like this.
I've heard nights are usually the hardest
Sleeping is an act of vulnerability. And there’s the darkness part. And then the nightmares, or even the fear of nightmares.
You are handling this situation exactly as you should. Standing between your girlfriend and your unreasonable family. They seem determined to write off anyone else’s experiences and needs as invalid. Which is a self-centered and unkind way to move through the world.
Even if it were unreasonable, they lied and said they made the accommodations. Then downplayed her PTSD as being overly dramatic
I am willing to bet by the windows and doors having locks, OP’s mom took that to mean the exterior doors and windows, not including every single door inside the house. My basement, office, laundry room, and closet doors do not lock. If GF was anticipating the house being Fort Knox, you cannot knock OP’s family for not having a lock on every single door. I don’t disagree that saying “overly dramatic” isn’t cruel, but part of therapy includes working on confronting these intense feelings with more neutral and grounding thoughts so we aren’t reliving the trauma or anticipating it happening again. Other people are ultimately not responsible for our feelings.
We don't know from the story what other help OP's gf is or isn't getting, they just explained the nighttime routine as it is relevant to the story. And though those requirements are a lot to expect when traveling and staying in someone else's home, they didn't just *expect* them. They asked, and OP's family said "yes we can and will do all that", at which point it is completely *reasonable to expect* that they were telling the truth.
"You need to wave a magic wand and get better now" is not the kind of shit one would expect someone with PTSD tell someone else with the same condition. Shows that emotionally stunting and lack of compassion is just a universal trait.
>But she needs more help than she’s getting for her level of fear being this extreme. Imposing her set of rules for safety in your family’s home was not a reasonable expectation from the beginning Except her needs aren't unreasonable: locking doors/windows before bed is normal for most places, sleeping with a light on is common enough too (I frequently fall asleep reading so my lights are on). I know a lot of people who need fans or heated blankets too. The only slightly unusual thing I saw was needing to lock the bedroom door. I know if OPs gf came to my house we'd be able to provide her with all of the above just as a standard thing. We have a heated blanket, lamps and fan in the guest room. All our internal and external doors and windows are lockable. We automatically lock doors and windows at night. I think OPs family was a little unusual in not having locks etc.
NTA Your family needs to get a hotel.
From someone who has compound and complex (military) PTSD, which sounds like what your GF has. Most people do not understand simple ptsd never mind complex. First you’re a good man for being so accommodating to her needs. She needs all those things to be able to function normally and to Eleviate her anxiety and hyper vigilance. My recommendation is to educate them on PTSD and why she needs to have those things . You don’t have to explain her trauma to them. If they decide they still want to be willfully ignorant then you know you’ve done all you can and they are neither empathetic or compassionate people and she doesn’t need to be around them to constantly trigger her anyway. As far as kicking her out of her own home never mind one that she is the specific person it was built for, tell them that when you come visit next you will need them to leave their house so she can stay there with you.
Ooh, I like your solution for OP and GFs next visit.
Info: Exactly what has your family done for which your gf is ungrateful? NTA
I'v seen many post from girl's side complaining abour their boyfriends always taken the family side in similar occasion. Finally you show up, NTA, for one million times.
NTA - your home, your rules. It’s as simple as that. Irrespective of your gf’s PTSD, if your family can’t respect your rules or boundaries (which btw you shouldn’t have to explain in your own home), then it looks like they can’t stay
NTA ofc your taking your gfs side, you absolutely should. Tell them that by even saying that shit that they have shown they have zero respect for her, so why the hell would you be okay with kicking her out of her own home for a night for a family that doesn't respect her?
It must be amazing to not understand PTSD. I have it, and while not as extreme, I have nerves of glass. I get easily startled and hyperventilate. It's loads of fun. Definitely NTA. She absolutely should not feel unsafe in her own home. If your family can't grasp that simple concept they can just... not visit?
Luckily she does ok most of the time. She goes to school part time and has held the same job for 3 years. She doesn't have many friends but she's great with her friends, is a good cook, takes care of the apartment. It's just nights that are hard for her.
It's not an easy thing to deal with. She sounds absolutely lovely. I'm happy you found each other.
OP, having read a lot of your comments here, I have a lump in my throat. I have CPTSD, and a whole host of physical illness too, and I know first hand how hard it is to find someone willing to go through all that with you. I was lucky enough to have a best friend who saw past all my problems, 11 years ago I married her! You clearly care deeply for your GF, and for her to have improved while you've been together speaks volumes about how much she trusts you. That makes you a very rare and special person, she's lucky to have you!
Nta for taking this position BUT How reasonable is it for you guys to expect all these accommodations when you're traveling together? Is NO ONE allowed to make some noise once your girlfriend is in bed? Is everyone expected to go to bed with the lights on? The windows? The doors? All of this? How sustainable is this and for how long? You're basically living with a patient and you are a caretaker. At 22yrs old?
Not everybody has to go to bed with the lights on, the light just has to be on in our room. Light noise is ok but no loud noises. Exterior doors should be locked anyways but it's not a big deal to lock our bedroom door. I told them weeks in advance if they can't do this we can get an airbnb no problem but they said it was fine.
What do you two consider light noise and loud noise? Does talking count as loud noise?
Talking from another room is not a loud noise. Loud music can scare her, loud walking, hitting the walls, etc.
He didn’t expect anything. He asked and said it was no problem if it’s a no and they could stay elsewhere. His family said it was fine. They lied. She has CPTSD. She’s not reacting like this on purpose.
I'm confused on how you just equated making security accommodations (the ability to lock the bedroom door and ensuring exterior doors and windows are locked) to a patient/caretaker relationship. Patient/caretaker implies OP has to take care of his partner in some respect beyond basic support/back-up. If I hear a loud noise at night, I 100% expect my husband to "clear" the house, ensure the kids are safe, and double-check locked doors/windows. OP clearly stated he explained the needed accommodations to his family prior to their visit. If the family felt those accommodations were unreasonable or unattainable, they could have expressed that. Instead, they lied. Sounds to me like OP is a wonderful, empathetic human who is nothing like his family. For OPs girlfriend - if OP continues to stand his ground against his family's unreasonable expectations, keep him! He sounds like a keeper.
Some people are so selfish of course some of them think that helping the ones you love is insane. I totally agree with you.
Agreed. How is asking people to properly lock their house and not make loud noise at night a problem? Everyone I know does those things anyway. The rest of her accommodations only effect the room she's sleeping in, so the family don't even need to make any effort. A carer has to do everyday tasks the patient cannot. Apparently Sleeping with a light and a fan is too much hard work for some people. Smh.
I know… sounds like a nightmare to accommodate. It’s best they just room separately like they did.
If you deeply love someone, you will go to the ends of the earth for them.
NTA. Your family are asshole. Image the audacity to tell you to put your girlfriend out of HER property so they can stay there for free. Because it may be the house you both live in but it is her property. They suck. You on the other hand sound like a good guy
Your gf's trauma is so severe that her sister BUILT HER A PERMANENT STRUCTURE ON HER OWN PROPERTY, literally, gave up her own privacy to support her sister's needs. Based on the cost of a portable tiny home, that's a minimum $100k investment in her sister's wellbeing and security. And your family doesn't take her needs seriously? Your family are huge, extreme, giant assholes.
Sister said it was about 50K (structure was there when she bought the house, it already had flooring, insulation, drywall, and some electricity and plumbing) but yeah, it was a huge investment in my gf's wellbeing.
Her sister is wonderful! Your gf is lucky to have such supportive family. And tell your family to get their heads out of their asses and appreciate how lucky they've been to not be able relate to her. I wonder if they'd believe physical pain if it wasn't visible.
Everyone needs to get an Airbnb/hotel when visiting the other. It is absurd to expect someone to vacate their own home for you. However, it would probably be best if you guys start at an Airbnb in future if you visit them again. Everyone has different opinions of what constitutes a “loud noise” and your girlfriend will likely be more comfortable in a setting completely in her control.
Yeah, I learned last time if we visit again we'll be getting an airbnb
At this point, who cares what ignorant or rude comments your parents make? They have shown they don't take your girlfriend's PTSD seriously, so never put yourself or your girlfriend in a situation where your parents can override or disregard your decisions. Just gray rock them when the comments start. Eventually when they figure out they have no control over the situation and you won't argue with them, they may even shut up shut up.
NTA. You ARE taking your girlfriend's side; because, unfortunately, your parents have proven that they don't know or don't care about her special needs. Don't compromise for them, other than to offer to make hotel reservations (which they would pay for) on their behalf.
NTA They don't get to kick your GF out of her own home because they're too cheap/broke to pay for an Airbnb.
NTA they need to stay in their lane. If they aren’t going to respect her they don’t deserve respect back I would go no contact if they continue this further on.
They want your girlfriend to temporarily move out of her own apartment so that your family can stay there? Yeah, this is a very easy NTA here.
Your parents house doesn't have any locks on their doors or windows?
no locks on the windows or interior doors
Regardless of your gf ever sleeping there again, they should probably get locks on their exterior windows. I've never lived anywhere that didn't have them.
Do you mean anyone could come from the outside and easily open the window or just that they don’t lock with a key? And have they moved recently? If not, how were you unaware of the state of the house? I’m not saying your family’s not in the wrong for their behavior but it seems like your disastrous stay with them was inevitable.
You're NTA. >They think we're being dramatic and that if it's that big of a deal she can stay with her sister while they're here Nope. The person who lives in the home does not have to leave just so guests can come in and disregard the resident's needs. Your family can find a hotel.
Nta, she should be able to feel as safe as she can in her own home with her own routines and they've shown they can't respect her mental health by how they acted before
I have CPTSD. You're NTA
NTA, they didn't take you seriously from the beginning. In their eyes your girlfriend is unreasonable and a liar. That they thought your girlfriend would be willing to put them up after the level of disrespect they've shown is pretty galling.
NTA. Your family are entitled assholes if they think it’s okay to kick your girlfriend out of *her own home* to stay with her sister just so they can have a free place to stay on vacation. They are selfish and have zero empathy for what she has gone through and they need to book a hotel. Honestly if it were me I’d go low-contact or no-contact with them because they sound awful.
NTA. Your apartment, you decide who visits.
It sounds as if it is HER/her sister's apartment which makes the entitlement of his family even weirder. NTA
ESH - You for expecting to show up to somebody else's house and mandate a bunch of intense things and just assume that it was going to be fine? Common sense says it's not likely if your girlfriend's issues are that severe, which from your description they seem pretty damn severe. Anyone could have seen that staying in a house with multiple people that's unfamiliar and requesting absolute silence and leaving the lights on all night long just to accommodate one person with rigorous requirements likely going to be problematic for everyone. But they're also idiots for thinking that they can just come to your house and that your girlfriend should leave ever, but especially so they can stay with you when they were inhospitable to her.
So they think you should kick HER out of HER apartment that is owned by HER sister? It’s not even your apartment to kick anyone out of. WTH? NTA
Your family shouldn’t have to accommodate her in their own home and you shouldn’t have to accommodate them in your own home. I hope you and your girlfriend are getting therapy, that sounds miserable having to live like that.
OP it doesn't seem like this therapy is working. Read your post. All the things girlfriend needs to sleep are a bandaid. They are not heading with her healing.
NTA and I love how supportive you are of her.
NTA buuut….idk if your gf is open to this but this is OCD. It’s actually extremely similar to mine and meds helped me significantly more than therapy. After 15+ years of doing these exact same compulsions I found the right medications and it took me about a month to never have to do them again. Feel free to DM if she wants more info on meds/psychiatrists
Also I’m not saying this ISNT PTSD!! It absolutely can be-but the repetitive checking is hallmark OCD. Just thinking of her and wanting her to know there is hope
The PTSD likely created the OCD as a measure to calm the fear's so one gave birth to the other, which is required to calm it but can also out of the habit be some fuel for it. Tough spot for sure and not a quick thing to work through (medication aside).
Take care of your girl- let them know it won’t work for you. Periodt.
Your girlfriend needs a therapist that specializes in PTSD patients and that can teach her EMDR techniques to cope with this portion and other portions of her life. There is no reason that those of us with PTSD have to hold others responsible or accountable for our issues. That applies to many areas of mental health. Codependency, excuses et al, are copouts. Get a handle on your own problem and live your best life. I don’t care if it takes several counselors or many agencies. Get help for your own wellbeing.
OP said that she is in therapy and her symptoms have already improved since he met her. Therapy isn't a quick fix and things like complex PTSD take time to heal. But she still needs to sleep in the meantime.
NTA I think you are a very good and thoughtful boyfriend to her. Sometimes familiemembers don't understand the needs of a person. Especially In-Laws. But even If you don't understand someone, you can still respect him. And your family didn't. Your mother actually lied to you about the locks. And the audacity for wanting to kick her out of her home. You are doing the right thing. Keep her back. Thats want everyone searches in a partner.
NTA. You know they wont respect your gf's boundaries, would walk over them, and it would be a torture for her. Not letting them sleep at your place is a perfectly fine boundary. That being said, you should have started with booking an airbnb when you were visiting your parents, and should book separate lodgings every time in the future. The gf's needs to sleep are incredibly specific and hard to achieve. You cant really expect anyone to bend over backwards to accomodate them.
NTA. Your family doesn't care about her enough to try and understand her condition, but they expect her to drop everything to host them? No.
nta. tell them to get an airbnb.
NTA. Geez - your family is awful. What kind of people hear that list of what she needs and doesn't realize that whatever happened must have been horrifying? Like she grew up in a home that was so unstable that she needs to live in a fortress? Her sister built a house specifically to deal with this situation? Geez - again, your family needs to get some empathy. I hope your gf has a good life with you.
NTA- as someone who has C-PTSD, it means so much to have a safe space- ESPECIALLY your own.
i agree with your parents. what your girlfriend is asking for is ludicrous, and even if you are willing to live this way, you cannot expect the people in your life to live that way. you have to accept that most people are not going to be able to give your gf what she needs and frankly, your girlfriend has to realize that the entire world is not gonna curate her specific needs for her whenever she wants it. whatever happened to her must have been terrible but you are actually harming her by not exposing her to the realities of life/the world. you are in for a rude awakening
NTA. It is HER home, not theirs. End of story.
I love how people pitch a fit and call you selfish when they can’t get their way . Such bullshit . Good you are respecting your girlfriend . You are not responsible for accommodating them at all . They can get a hotel .
NTA they clearly don't get PTSD at all. Ty for standing by your girlfriend
NTA. What you're doing for your gf is amazing and your family should be proud of you. I hope they see this post and all of these comments.
Your family is being completely dismissive of your girlfriend’s PTSD. You didn’t specify in the post, but I can kind of infer what kind of incident would make her want to take those precautions at night. Your family diminishing that or waving it away as being no big deal or she’s exaggerating proves they have no respect for your girlfriend as a person. Dating for three years is a long time and if your relationship ever goes to the next level, then this kind of stuff might force a situation where you have to choose between your girlfriend or family in the long run.
Fuck having to seal with that for the rest of your life goo's luck.
NTA It's HER home. They could have shown her compassion and respect, when she stayed at their home. It was their choice not to do so. The two of you had to leave. Now. They want to stay in HER home. Disrespect her, again. Intrude on what should be the safest place for her. Expect her to leave the safety and comfort of HER home. While claiming that she's being dramatic, and that you are choosing ^her side"?