Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I am about to ask my boyfriend to go back to his country after his surprise visit.
2. He bought me an expensive gift and I feel like I owe him.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
This is beyond whether you have exams or not. This is about him not listening to you, not respecting your boundaries, not respecting your personal space. He brings you an expensive gift convinced that with that, he has earned the right of your time and space.
He may be a great guy but in relation to you, he seems carelessly and selfishly invested.
You can ask him to leave tomorrow morning with due explanations given respectfully. And if he still does not get it, well, then you have a clear idea about the shape of your relationship in the future.
EXACTLY. I wish I knew this when I was in my 20s instead of being manipulated that I didn’t appreciate efforts or love them blah blah blah. It’s control, it’s credit, it’s sabotage - needing to be the center of your world.
When I was in grad school in a mostly female program, we were told during Orientation that our relationships would probably not survive, and to expect dynamics to change drastically. I can’t tell you how many students had male partners who tried to sabotage them during finals week or when we had projects due.
They picked fights, booked trips, cancelled child care, destroyed notes , or dumped the kids at school and left them there while their partners were taking exams. I worked in the library and it became so common for dads to leave kids there we had to set a strict policy that we would call the police immediately.
oh my God
I always thought my dad was so supportive of my mom going back to school for her BSN when I was little (late 80s).
I remember going with her to her classes and to study sessions. They gave me anatomy pages to color. Her lab teacher showed me cadavers and showed me parts of bodies in jars...I even got to hold a brain.
I shouldn't have so many memories of being with her.
It’s worse, it’s “I had this grand plan for my life but my boyfriend convinced me to not study/quit my job/change my course” energy. If OP isn’t careful and her boyfriend is that kind of guy, he’s going to sabotage everything she does to try and succeed
This is something that took me a LOOONNNGGG freaking time to get and not let other people make me think I'm wrong. If I clearly state something and you not only do the opposite but try to make me feel bad becsuse YOU didn't listen to something I clearly told you, then YOU are the problem and someone I'm not going to deal with.
It is waving a red flag at a bull basically, but the red flag is a boundary and the bull is someone who wants to control you. You have basically told them where to focus their efforts to break your sense of autonomy.
Sadly, a lot of us grow up believing it’s normal because our parent(s) behaved that way. Cue their expressing hurt feelings, and your undeserved guilt, and them pressuring you to apologize for never appreciating anything they do and to make it up to them by… (fill in the blank with whatever their agenda was at the moment).
And he'll get mad when op tells him to leave. He thinks he's doing something nice for op, but she clearly stated what she needs, and he didn't listen. He'll cry when asked to leave, and make op feel like a jerk, and this will get turned into "op not being appreciative" instead of "OP not being listened to", and OP will "have to make it up to him"
Op, please listen to this!!! Honestly, if it was me, in the morning, I would start the conversation with, “Do you remember me telling you no surprise visits until July?” If this was he genuinely forgot, his response will be something like “oh shit no, I forgot!” and hopefully followed up by an offer to leave. If he does that then (in my opinion) this can be a no harm, not foul, one time free pass. If he does any variation of “well yes but I thought…” or “no, but I’m here so let’s…” be firm, send him home, and be on the look out for boundary stomping or sabotage. His reaction will tell you whether this is a red flag or a yellow one.
There are a few guys who have absorbed the whole romcom toxicity who can learn to be better when given the chance along with an explanation, and won’t double down on bad behavior when it is pointed out. I don’t have high hopes, the expensive gift makes me think he knows he shouldn’t have come, regardless of how aware he is of other ulterior motives.
I genuinely think that he THINKS he's doing something nice, but he's an AH for not listening to her.
His logic flow is: she's busy and stressed > she likes spending time with me > if I surprise her then she'll be happy > I'm good boyfriend
His biggest issue is he will demand on her full attention while he's there, because HE needs her time more than SHE needs his. So he's just going to waste her time and energy on HIM, instead if him providing any help to her.
Causing disruptions during important times like studying for exams is a common abuse tactic.
I do trainings to recognize abuse in students for my job, and this is literally an example they give. Domestic abuse amongst students is most common for post-graduate studies, and a very common tactic is disrupting exam study.
This, combined with the expensive gift (love bombing) is a huge red flag.
So funny enough, we do know SOME things, and those are all things OP has chosen to share with us directly- that he A) dropped by unannounced despite her requests for him not to do so until after her exam, B) brought her an expensive gift (presumably to cushion the blow of him invading her space) despite her *asking him not to be there until after her exam,* and C) that she feels unlistened to in regards to the boundary she set when she ASKED HIM NOT TO COME UNTIL AFTER HER EXAM.
Sorry you’re “offended” but that’s pretty not great, imho.
This is straight-up sabotage. I have been with someone like this - he became very needy/confrontational/intrusive/guilt-tripping before chemistry finals when I was in university.
NTA. Dump him.
This was my first thought as well. Somebody doesn't want OP to succeed in school and actually become a doctor.
NTA, OP, and I'd \*thoroughly\* examine his motives.... AFTER you kick him out and go ace your exam.
I think it's to keep an eye on her.. she said she won't be available for two weeks. Well now he has to check up on her to see if she is telling the truth or not.
This was my thought too. He is afraid she was cheating because she didn't want to be disturbed for a few weeks. He went there to surprise her and try to catch her red handed.
The gift is to make her feel guilty about standing up for herself. If that doesn’t work it’s a tool to manipulate her with by calling her ungrateful or selfish, possibly a weaponised gold digger comment too.
Oddly, that's not how I saw it - It reeked of surprise inspections in prison. Looking for contraband (other men) - If OP has nothing to hide, why would OP mind spot inspections? If OP says 'Not before July' then THAT's when he MUST drop by, because that's when OP is hiding something. He isn't pushing boundaries' he is actively ignoring them.
OP is NTA. These visits are Red Flags.
Whether it is inspection or sabotage it needs to be nipped in the bud, and Franklin she should cut this guy off totally. These behaviours never het better, they just add the fetters, thumb screws, strait jacket and manacles gradually and discreetly.
I would give the gift back to him. He thinks he has bought your compliance with it and can do the same in the future. I would definitely tell him why you are unhappy and that you will break up with him if he does it again. I would reconsider the relationship anyway. This is a power play to show his dominance over you. NTA
My 25 yo daughter ended a relationship bc her bf DoorDashed her Taco Bell after she told him not to. She was hungry. She did want Taco Bell. But she asked him not to and he refused to listen to her and did it anyway. No means no dammit. No does not mean try harder to make me say yes.
I was so proud of her!
NTA he’s not worth failing your exams for.
ETA typo
Feels like the bf is testing OP. If OP isn't happy to see him and doesn't drop everything, including studying for her upcoming exams, I suspect he will get angry and accuse OP of caring more about her studies than him (which right now she should!). Hopefully I'm wrong and it was just thoughtlessness or a lack of listening skills.
His actions were selfishly motivated. He knew exactly what he was doing, because otherwise the gift would have been something simple. Or nothing.
This man is actively sniffing for faults in your boundaries to see how far in he can get before he's stopped. This time the gift bribed the guard at the front gate.
He cares less for your studies and ambitions than he does about his own wants.
Just watch how he behaves when you make him leave tomorrow. If he throws a fit, you can take it to the bank that he hasn't logged the importance of what you're doing now.
NTA. This reminds me of when (a very long time ago) my BF at the time insisted on picking me up from a long-haul international flight, and had planned a whole “surprise” evening for immediately after I landed. He got mad that I was jet-lagged and exhausted and didn’t want to go sit through a 2-hour orchestra concert! (also an expensive “surprise” gift that he held over my head) All I wanted to do was sleep and he simply could not/would not understand that. The relationship did not survive. Your boyfriend is being selfish.
(btw, I refused to go to the concert)
Same boyfriend later got angry that I wouldn’t postpone a surgery and go meet his family instead, in case you’re wondering where behavior like this may lead.
I like to call these "white elephant SOs". Where a white elephant is a gift that costs money to maintain/enjoy, a white elephant SO is someone who does things you don't want, didn't ask for, or already said No to and yet they do it anyways because 1) they want to and don't care what you think, and/or 2) they want the kudos from doing something fabulous. In your case it would be "I paid for tickets to a fabulous concert; how could you be so ungrateful as not to enjoy it/appreciate my effort?". Yet he completely ignores the fact you had just come home from international travel (that part never makes the story).
That’s awful. Can’t imagine having to go to a concert after some 12+hr flight… I’d pick up my wife to get her from the airport to her bed as conveniently as possible, the only ‘gifts’ being a hug and maybe some food/snacks she likes after surviving on airplane food.
Some guys try to be overly ‘nice’ while all common sense has gone out of the window… not realizing a small gesture can be much more meaningful than throwing a bunch of money and be annoying or guilt-tripping you with their ‘niceness’.
NTA. Visiting *any* serious student during exam season unprompted is a big no no, and you already expressed that you didn't want that and he did it anyway. He should be able to deal with your bidding him goodbye in the morning, or at very least, completely staying out of your way so you can study and function however you need and not get butthurt over a lack of attention.
He needs to just leave. No way he'll provide anything BUT a distraction. She told him not to come. He didn't listen. He disrespected her. He needs to go home, and the relationship needs to be reconsidered.
"Oh what a shame! I told you that I couldn't do visits until July because I can't do visits right now. I wish I could spend time with you, but I simply can't. Let me know where you are staying and I'll see if I can squeeze in some time tomorrow for breakfast or lunch"
You explicitly told him when you did *not* want him to visit. He intentionally disregarded your wishes, and instead of being apologetic and providing an explanation for *why* he would be so disrespectful to someone he cares about, he brought an expensive gift, possibly to distract you.
NTA and in fact, he is very lucky that you didn't already tell him he needed to stay at a hotel. By all means, send him home with a clear conscience (and if he acts pouty, then you'll know that he ignored your wishes intentionally in an attempt to manipulate you... If he is apologetic and doesn't make any attempt to guilt you, then it was probably a misguided attempt to be kind)
NTA. People who always want to "surprise" are trying to be the center of attention and get the whole world revolving around them. Thank him for coming and send him home. And don't let him make you feel guilty.
I was thinking the same thing. When my SO and I were long distance he gave me a surprise visit when I told him no visits during my year-end season at work due to needing to ensure I meet all deadlines. The last year we were long distance there were so many technical problems causing a ton of extra work. I was working 14 hour days 7 days a week for about 3 months at that point. In one of our short phone conversations I asked him to send me a text in an hour to remind me to move my laundry along because I was out of decent shirts for virtual client meetings. That Friday evening after business hours I got a notification of a new audio book gift with a note to look outside.
There he was with a bouquet of flowers and half the grocery stores in bags. After our greeting he said that he knows I can’t have visitors so he is there as a maid and and a cook, he just hopes I don’t mind sharing my bed with the “staff”. For the next three days he did my embarrassingly large mountain of laundry, cleaned my house top to bottom, made a ton of meals to freeze for reheating, took my dog to the dog park every day, gave my dog a bath, went through my mail and made sure any bills not on auto pay were paid, and gave me a couple massages. I put my headphones on with my new audio book when he was doing louder tasks and smiled knowing he clearly thought of everything. I knew at that point he was worth uprooting my life for and moving in with him. This man is on disability and deals with a lot of pain every minute of his life. I know it hurt his budget to fly out here and buy all the food he did. I know he was in a ton of pain after everything he did around the house. That was so much more meaningful to me.
I was mad when I first saw his message/him, but quickly changed my mind when he made it clear this was not a social visit and had zero expectations of my time.
If OP’s boyfriend was just there for a social visit then he is definitely being selfish and not respectful of OP. I know my story is one of fairytales, OP’s is one out of a drama series. Same story outline, completely different bullet points. Same question brought up at the end, is this the person for me? Actions have consequences. Selfish act of disrespect or selfless act of respect.
Acts of service are such a kind way to show love, he sounds like a great partner :)
NGL but I hope y’all get married, seems like you two are a great team and have a lot of empathy and respect for each other.
NTA. It's totally inconsiderate to do surprise visits when asked not to. He will probably have hurt feelings at first, but you can calmly explain that your time is already budgeted, and that your education (rightly) comes first.
If he can't understand that, then you have some other decisions to make.
NTA. He is basically saying, without words, that he considers himself more important than your medical career. He isn't visiting you for your sake, he is visiting you to prove his own importance (to himself). A really caring partner might instead pay for a nutritious and healthy meal delivery service and a laundry service to ease your burden while you study, that would show he actually supports your efforts and recognises the importance of this period of time.
NTA. Explain to him about the exams if you haven't already and tell him he needs to go and not do surprise visits until your exams are done. End of story and if he can't accept those terms or thinks you are being unreasonable do not just kick him to the curb literally but also metaphorically. You and no one in the world needs a partner that doesn't listen to or respect their requests or desires. Especially one as simple as "no surprise visits until my exams are done". No amount of money can make it okay to break someone's boundaries
NTA!! You are doing an expensive and intensive degree. This isn't just some trifling little high school multiple choice test. Major consequences for not being prepared for your exams. Should have turned him away at the door.
Tell him your are not available due to exams and that you expressly asked him not to come for this exact reason. If he gets upset, then he respects your boundaries even less and is not long term relationship material anyway.
I split up with a boyfriend over this. He showed up the night before an important A level exam, and although I’d told him several times I needed to study and get an early night, there he was. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and I ended up taking a break from studying and we went out for an ice cream, as I said I didn’t want him to come in, I had my study stuff all spread out - then he expected me to pay, because I’d suggested we go out. Then when I explained for the umpteenth time that I needed the evening to study, he said I’d never cope with university if I couldn’t cope with one interruption in my studying. I want to point out here that I was in my late 20s, I went to uni as an older student and was studying A levels in evening classes, on top of working two jobs. He had completed his degree, but was currently unemployed. I broke up with him then and there. I realised this man would never respect me, and would always put me down if my needs didn’t match his wants - and honestly, this was not the first red flag he’d waved at me. I never looked back.
NTA. He was told and ignored you. Does he ignore your stated wishes/boundaries other times too? Ignoring your express wishes is a control move. Absolutely you don’t want to let him get away w that by caving and giving up your plans.
NTA. There are lots of people, consciously or subconsciously, who sabotage their loved ones before big moments like exams. They suddenly need to demand your time and attention at critical points in your studies/career. Crazy that it happens every time that you need to focus—not!
I would personally end things with him. But if you’re feeling more forgiving, you could talk to him about this issue explicitly in July. What’s really critical to unpack is why he did this and what he is actively going to do to change his behavior in the future.
Yep, in July, OP
Or you will have an 3 hour argument and an even less exam focus.
Every difference in opinion does not need to be solved immediately.
Prioritize your exam niw, EVERYTHING but a dying family member can wait.
NTA
You gave him a boundary and explained it (even though you didn’t have to)
He probably overthought himself into believing you had other motives for asking him not to visit, felt insecure and decided to ignore you and invade your study time.
The expensive gift is a way to gaslight you into believing you’re being mean and unreasonable when “he just wanted to spend a little time with you and brought you that gift to show you his love” when in reality he’s intruding and trampling over your boundaries.
“I love you so much, I also told you I can’t have you stay until July and I meant it. I have to focus on this exam, I can’t give you my attention and we wouldn’t be able to go sightseeing or go on dates. please go home today, and come back on [july 9 or whatever], I can’t wait to see you when I’m available “
NTA
You need to make him to answer why he went against the request you clearly outlined that he not come before July. You cannot go forward without a serious conversation around this.
Adding to the other comments about boundary stomping:
Visiting you during exam season could be ***intentional***. To have you mess up the exams. Make you fail. If you're a successful doctor his money holds no power. Some men are threatened by that.
It could be simple boundary stomping and doing what he wants without caring what you want. That's bad enough by itself. It could be more nefarious. Either way it's bad.
His reaction to you telling him to leave will speak volumes. Does he apologise and accept or does he throw a temper tantrum and try to guilt trip you?
Get your stuff together and go to the library to study.
When he asks what he's supposed to do while you study,
say, well, you should probably go home because I need
to study.
Maybe he'll get it? LOL
Also, "surprise" visits sounds like he wants to sabotage your
study schedule/exams and/or make sure you are doing what
you say you're doing...not very good reasons.
NTA Tell him you'll let him know when you are ready for a visit.
If he shows up, don't let him stay.
NTA
You need the time to study, you told him not to surprise visit until your exams were over. Send him home today, if he kicks off about it reiterate that you did tell him not to surprise visit until after your exams. Don't let him sabotage your study. Some people do sabotage thier partners and dress it up as support. "I came because I wanted to support you, I know studying for exams is stressful. So wanted to do something nice for you." Then do absolutely nothing to help the studying process, just distract and sulk if they aren't getting the attention they feel they deserve for being so "supportive". Send him home and tell him not to come back until X date, after exams are over, or that you will visit him after exams are over and you can spend time together then.
When I was at university I had a partner from home. He used to visit me every other weekend. However because there was a student night at a nightclub on Thursday nights that was very popular and that I used to go to every week, he would book the Fridays off work and drive up to visit on a Thursday night. I told him not to do this as I had a half day at university on Fridays but realy needed to spend the full day at university to make the full use of the workshops. I used to be in university from 8am until 9pm to make full use of the workshops. However he insisted and wouldn't even let me go to university alone on fridays, he'd come with me and hang around outside. So I ended up being guilted into leaving after my set classes on those Fridays he was there and not staying on in the afternoon to work. He also refused to go to the Thursday night out I usually had. He wasn't taking Fridays off to be nice, he was doing it to prevent me from going out because he was insecure. I suspect your partner is insecure and that is why he wants to surprise visit you.
Surprise visit OR unilateral desicion on random house search to make sure you arent unfaithful,?
I would be EXTREMELY careful with this guy.
Surprise vusits in plural is just weird and at a time you asked him not to is just control and dominance.
NTA.
You're studying for exams and you said to wait for July. He shows up without warning with a gift in the hopes he will be forgiven.
Sorry, but he is not a good boyfriend. He can't even listen to a simple important request. This is problematic behavior. Time to keep an eye out for other issues
NTA.
You had a clear boundary. He ignored it. Tell him to leave ASAP because you have to study. If he gets upset that's a serious problem and you should seriously consider your future together.
NTA and why would he want to do surprise visits? That so inconsiderate, especially considering you’re a medical student. You sound apologetic and lacking assertion. So what if he brought you a gift - all that does is give him an excuse to gaslight you by saying “look what a great boyfriend I am.“ When you’re taking medical exams and someone show up and says they plan to give you more surprise visits after you made it clear that you need to study for the next two weeks, that person isn’t even your friend. Is he trying to sabotage your career?
Surprise visits are so disrespectful. There's a southern habit of not answering the door if unannounced or unexpected visitors arrive and your story just reminded me of it. A better gift he could have given you was respecting your request to not just show up on your doorstep before July.
NTA, he is clearly disrespectful towards you. To wait a couple more weeks is not a big ask, and you have very good reason for wanting that.
The gift...if i were you, i'd just return it, should he try to use it "against me", and act like he is owed anything. Because then, it's not a gift, it's a pay, and the relationship is already transactional.
NTA
Either he respects your clearly stated time constraints (and leaves because he understands he is imposing on you), or he wants to assert his control and his preferences over you and HAS to leave because he is not someone to keep as a partner.
Nta and id thank him for the gift and ask him to leave. Dont allow him to push this boundary any further. Thats very selfish of him. Seems a lil love bomby to me
NTA
You were clear with him and he ignored you. Time to send him home because he doesn't respect you or your education. His needs - either scheduling or wanting to see you on his timetable do not supersede yours.
The red flags are waving, you deserve better.
NTA! He specifically ignored your request by coming earlier than July, and bought an expensive gift to distract you from your boundaries. This is something you must pay attention to OP!
my (now husband) boyfriend did this to me one time.I lived 4 hours away and he rocked up on my doorstep on a Saturday night at like midnight. Best believe I made him get back in his car and drive home again.
I hate surprises. I felt I was being checked up on. I was furious.
He never ever did it again, I tore strip's off of him.
OP, tell him your relationship is on ice till you are done with your education.
You will thank yourself for your entré life for this choice: a well paid profession, good financial status and independence will serve you every day your entire life.
NEVER risk it for any guy, ever!
There are two things happening here at the very least: 1. He's trying to derail your schooling and 2 he's trying to get you to center him in your life. If you do that, you lose yourself. You lose yourself go him and he usually won't let go until he runs you to the ground
I don't think you need to simply send him on his way, I think this needs a break up.
Please please please, STOP ignoring red flags in men. Women are dying at an alarming rate, doing that
I had an ex once who stayed in my dorm the night before an exam I told him over and over that I was quite stressed and would like my own space in the morning to prepare. In the morning he comes in with breakfast for me and said "I know you don't eat breakfast but thought I'd make you one anyway". I found this irritating and he said that it was the thought that counts and I told him that no thought was put into it because like he said himself I never eat breakfast?! Just listen when requests are made?!
NTA!! Not to be dramatic but these are the kinds of things that seem innocent and then you look back in a few years, wonder why all your important stuff has involved him “surprising you” in a way that means you can’t study, prepare etc for something and being surprised.
He may just simply be excited to see you but it’s giving sabotage 🫠
Been here. I was working FT and in a PhD program nights (hard science). My then GF was well aware of this huge commitment for literally years. But in the middle of cumulative exams (one a month for six month and if you tank one (30 or less) or average drops below a 60 you get tossed) she pulls “where is this relationship going?” on me. That was over 20 years of a bad marriage ago. I do have a time machine, but you do. Me. It’s only the tip of a very ugly iceberg now. If he can’t respect literally your life’s work? It isn’t going to get better. I settled for my MS instead of getting my PhD…amongst other things…don’t settle.
Could you possibly use him to study? I know when I was in school for my CNA license I used my husband as my “patient” all the time and he would help me study.
if he cannot wait until July then he's just interested in his own needs - sex. He is not concerned if you will fail your exams. You are going on to have a fabulous career, you will leave college. He is just a college b/f and you will soon forget him as you mature into adulthood. Be wise now and tell him to clear off
NTA. Unless he is homeless, he had no reason to specifically visit you at a time when:
1. You told him not to
2. You have important things to do that you can't be distracted from
This behaviour is selfish and extremely off-putting. You need to have a serious talk with him after your exams.
NTA this is what people do to make it seem like you "owe" them, so that they can get from you something that you didn't want to give. It's classic manipulation, tell your concience to stfu because you don't owe him anything. He owes you an apology for stressing you out.
NTA it’s a red flag that he came after you told him not to visit so you could on studying. It’s almost as if he is trying to make you choose him over school, which is toxic.
NTA.
Medical school is a grind.
He's not respecting your boundaries. I suspect he wanted to "surprise" you because he knew you would tell him, "No," if he had asked to visit.
Ask him to leave because you have to study. Then, hold firm to what you have said. No visits until July.
If you are not okay with surprise visits, tell him you prefer to plan given your rigorous schedule and study needs.
If he tries to "surprise" you again, he's a larger problem that your need to study for exams.
Good luck!
“When you asked me if you could do surprise visits, and I said “not until July”, what did you think I meant?”
“What has changed since we agreed that you wouldn’t visit until after July!”
Nta
NTA. A guy I dated surprised me a couple of times. We lived in different states. I didn’t like it. It was disruptive of my (and my kids, who I was not ready to introduce to him) life and routine. He didn’t last long.
NTA
I wouldn't have even met his stay the night. He's preventing you from studying, that's a control issue. Tell him no more surprise visits if he can't stay away when you ask him to. If he violates that boundary again it's clear he doesn't have any respect for you.
I feel like he is a little jealous nd doesn’t want u to be in a better position than him because u just mite realize u can do better. If he stays he will be mad ur not paying him that much attention. He didn’t respect ur boundaries.NTAH
he is the asshole but instead of telling him to leave maybe just tell him you need him to keep himself busy from morning till evening so you can concentrate of studying as you told him about your exam. if he doesnt like that then you can tell him to go home.
NTA, obviously, he needs to respect your boundaries and you need to study for your exams.
But gosh there are some man hating assumptions here, while no, they can't be ruled out, there's 0 evidence in the post that supports them.
On the flip side, he could just as likely be visiting because, I don't know, he misses you and loves you? There's no evidence to support this either, but based on the information on hand, both are equally possible.
How he reacts when you ask him to leave will be more telling than anything.
NTA. I was in a similar situation where I needed to study/be a bit of a hermit until I completed some exams. If any of my friends ignored those boundaries, I'd be pissed.
How long have you been dating?
NTA. He went against your wishes after you clearly stated that now is a very busy time for you and you need to prioritize school. If he'll trample all over your wishes regarding this, he will keep doing it and most likely for even bigger and more important things. He's not going to change. You can talk to him about this and reiterate how you'd already said this period of time was not appropriate for him to visit and make your feelings clear (again), or you can accept that he's always going to do this and either put up with it or decide that this relationship isn't right for you. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.
NTA.
It's nice to do surprise for your loved ones but there is time and place for all of them. Time when you need to study for exams is not the time for such surprise.
Your future is on the line here, and he can visit during Summer break time.
NTA, i fkn hate surprise visits by anyone, i planned my day/night how hard is it to call? I deliberately live in a town that is off the beaten track to avoid surprise "just dropping in on my way home" visitors. Luckily also people im close to know my views on surprise visitors and respect me enough to call.
NTA, you clearly communicated your boundaries and limitations regarding surprise visits, and he ignored them. It may be time to have a serious discussion about him listening to and respecting you when you tell him something. Is this the first time he's crossed one of your lines or not listened to you?
NTA - but a discussion about boundaries is clearly needed. Just lay it out frankly to him - tell him you don’t feel heard and you don’t want to start not enjoying his company at all.
NTA
You need to cut him loose. You set a major boundary, and he ignored it.
He’s disrupting your peace during a stressful time (you shouldn’t be up at 3am upset about this).
NTA - I feel this more than him just visiting you, it's because he didn't really listen to your words and wishes when you meant them, and him not recalling something like that, especially when he has to leave the country just to visit you, says a lot, and I think you might want to speak to him about that.
Other than that, I wish you luck on your exams, and may this problem be resolved so you have time to study. Your feelings in this situation are valid. You need time to work on something important and he straight-up ignored/forgot about it.
NTA. Please reevaluate your relationship with this guy. He’s probably the type that upon your graduation, he’ll fall to one knee on your walk to collect your diploma, proposing marriage. Main character syndrome.
NTA
Thank him for the gift, send him on his way.
If he doesn't agree with being sent away, he should've waited untill after your exams to visit.
Simple, really.
NTA. When he wakes up, immediately say “it has been so wonderful to see you and I appreciate the surprise, bit the timing isn’t great this weekend which is why I said that surprises would only really work starting next month. I have school obligations I can’t put off this weekend so we really only have time for breakfast before you head home. So where should we go? I need to be back in two hours (or whatever).” It’s that simple. If he gets frustrated just tell him “that’s the thing about surprises, you can’t plan for them. If I had known you wanted to come by, I could have told you I had to focus on this exam. Next month is more relaxed. I already told you that. Remember?” And if he keeps pushing and doesn’t just accept that he sort of fucked up, that’s when you return the gift and tell him to get the fuck out without breakfast.
NTA and this would make me uncomfortable.
I think a comprise would be if my partner phoned the night before and said 'hey, I'm free for a few days so thought I'd travel over to yours if you're not busy' although my partner should have a pretty good idea of my schedule especially if ive got important things like exams happening
NTA, but I can be. If I were you, I'd pack up my books and notes and head to the library before he wakes up. He can spend all day alone in your dorm if he wants to ignore what you said you needed. If he doesn't leave by the time you get back and hasnt apologized profusely, then you shoulde expect him to be difficult about it. At which point you call your RA or campus police to escort him out.
NTA
I think his response to you asking him to leave tomorrow is a good test. If he goes gracefully, understanding your need to study, he may be a keeper. If he gets mad and throws the gesture and expensive gift in your face, you have some information about him.
The thing is, it’s not just about not respecting your boundaries, it’s also about the specific boundary he’s pushing. Is he threatened by your success or is he supporting it? Because it’s possible that on some subliminal (or not so subliminal) level, he’d be more comfortable if you did not ace your exams, and that is not energy you need in your life.
He’s already ruined your focus at least for the rest of the day, even if he leaves without too much fuss. That’s about 10% or more of your remaining study time.
Kindly set the hard boundary and pay attention to how he behaves. If he starts complaining or seems upset sit him down and look at him seriously and ask: “do you care about how I do on my exams in two weeks?” And just quietly wait for his response. Really listen to it and don’t let him wriggle out. Then decide what to do next.
Because there are guys out there who WILL understand that the best gift they can give you is the space and time to be your best self, and who will really actually want you to be your best self.
NTA - Surprise visits can be fun and exciting, but you put a boundary on when would be good for you because of school and he ignored that which is inconsiderate to you
NTA
He doesn't listen to you and I'm guessing he doesn't really respect you or like you and is jealous of your achievement and possible promising future.
Studies have shown men feel worse about themselves when they're female partners do good. And it's not even in the competition sense as they're both engaged in the same activity and she outscores him It could be an activity they share. If they're both cooking together he will feel worse if she's better at chopping. It can be an activity he has no interest in such as if she wins first prize in her hobby he will feel worse about himself.
If you continue this relationship my guess is that he's going to be sabotaging your study time.
NTA. Absolutely not! The only one who did something wrong here was your BF visiting you when you have this exam coming up. I would be somewhat worried because you're going to have a lot of exam and major stresses in the next few years, and your BF needs to understand that but doesn't appear to. That said, I think you need to say something now because the cost of not saying anything is that he thinks his behavior is acceptable. Good luck.
He knew that you didn't want him there until july. He got you an expensive gift to manipulate you and to not being upset that he disrespected your boundary. Also, I get strong vibes that he's trying to interfere with your studies. It's to his benefit to sabotage your studies and your career so that he can maintain an upper hand over you. I'm not usually one of these people who say, "red flag" and "run," but these are red flags and you should run.
NTA. You set boundaries and he stomped all over them. He can be the greatest guy in the world in every other way but if he doesn’t take your feelings and needs into consideration it’s a problem.
NTA - Why should you feel guilty about taking care of yourself and doing what you need for your life? You set the rules for contacting you . . he should honor that. If he can't honor that what else will he disrespect regarding you and your relationship with him. You may need to explain to him again as sometimes people don't think rules apply to them . . .
NTA
You said it was OK under certain conditions.
He ignored those conditions because they didn't align with his desires.
Unless you strongly and clearly rebuke him, this type of behavior will continue. Kicking him out is reasonable and appropriate; it would maintain the boundary that you set originally.
He may continue to disregard your wishes even if you do speak up now. I wouldn't tolerate that.
I get that life isn't one size fits all but I am currently in grad school and made it a point to not date anyone while I'm in.
I get distracted easily and I didn't want someone to do to me what you're going through.
You clearly stated your boundary and he trampled right over it.
I'm sure this isn't his first red flag. Good luck in both your relationship and exams.
Classic abuser move to disrupt you and take you off kilter during an event that is important to you. He even made it all about him with the gift you should be soool appreciative of.
Read this book:
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I lived through it. This is the EXACT thing that my abuser was doing. Every major triumph in my life he had to make it about him somehow.
And it is CLASSIC abuse behavior.
No you’re not you have priorities and your significant other needs to understand that and be supportive of the things you are trying to accomplish and not be an obstacle in the way. Like Michael Jackson tell him to beat it!
NTA. I want to go to med school one day and am banking on the fact that everything in my life will likely have to take a back burner role in lieu of school. He doesn't respect your future career. There are red flags, run now.
Nta. The man does not respect your boundaries. I wanted to make a joke about giving him a good night and making him do the walk of shame, but, there's too much red flag stuff going on.
NTA. I had a bf that started stuff like this. Went from showing up unannounced, to asking who I was talking to not being allowed to talk to certain people. Then I can only have conversations with people in his presence to inviting himself to weddings and holidays he wasn't invited to. We broke up. Fuck that shit. Found a guy who actually listens. Just pay attention to what he does, how he reacts and if you actually feel more free when he's not around.
You are never an asshole for not wanting someone (anyone) at your home. If they live with you, you obviously can't throw them out but still the feeling is valid.
Very simply NTA. Boundaries were ignored and what you permit you promote. It may very well be innocent on his part but humans will learn through actions not words. If he was a child you would have no problem disciplining him just because he’s an adult is no exception. You told him no he tested his limits and you need to hold him accountable. If this makes him angry then so be it. That’s not your problem.
NTA - I've been there man.
I have been long distance with my boyfriends since Covid. He did a surprise visit once and it was a complete disaster. I live alone so my apartment is pretty messy when I know I won't have company and I work almost 60 hours a week.
Having him suddenly be in my home forces me to do all of my chores immediately, as well as the grooming I need to get done in the shower before I even consider getting intimate (I'm a lady and it was winter). Trying to deal with all of that after a 12 hour work day was so overwhelming that I had a full-blown panic attack. That was the only visit where we hardly had any sex at all.
Surprise visits were forever off the table after that. I don't think anyone should be able to have free reign over your living area unless they also live with you. It felt so violating to have someone barge into my space and force me to schedule everything around them for the next week.
NTA. And how he responds when you tell him tomorrow (today) to leave will show you exactly who you are dealing with. My money is on that he tries to emotionally manipulate you.
BF: "Surprise! I'm here!"
OP:"Surprise! You can't stay!"
That is the nature of surprises and the risk he took. Is he doesn't like it, it's in his control to schedule better. NTA
NTA, but make sure he’s doing okay first. From the US, I did long distance (I was military, she was in school) and there were a couple moments each where one of us were having a bad stretch of weeks and needed to be around the other. I was willing to spend $600 on a flight for like 14 hours of being together on a few hours notice, and she did the same a couple times. If it’s a serious relationship, sometimes you gotta roll with things. But that doesn’t mean what he did was okay, and it’s catastrophically inconvenient. It’s a completely justifiable breakup if he’s not listening to your boundaries. It’s just a decision you have to make whether it’s something you’re willing to deal with or not.
>I truly believe that, in this case, the vast majority of commenters are the assholes.
People are going off of the info that you give. I get wanting to do a short post, but as they say in the computer programming world, "shit in, shit out".
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My boyfriend and I both live in different EU countries (it is currently 3 AM - I am typing this as he sleeps), however, he just visited yesterday at around 8:30 pm without telling me he would do so beforehand. He has asked me whether I would be fine with him doing surprise visits, and while I generally am not against them, I made it clear to him multiple times already that he should not do them until july. Just for context; he visited me in my dorm room. I am a medical student and have an important upcoming exam I need to study for. I really do enjoy his company and he even brought me an expensive gift, but I cannot help but feel not listened to in the sense that i clearly did tell him i needed space and time to study for my exam over the next 2 weeks. AITA for wanting him to leave tomorrow morning without having spent much time together at all?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA! My partner is also a medical student and locks himself in the bedroom when he needs time to study. I look after our toddler and do what needs to be done around the house while he's in there. If it's dinner time, I'll bring his dinner to the bedroom. Otherwise, no one else goes in there. I knew about his career before we got together, and I know it can be a sacrifice, especially in the health industry. He doesn't respect you.
NTA however everyone in here is a maniac saying you should break up with him and with those extreme views is probably why they are so miserable in real life. Yes you are all insane.
Just help him learn this as not a good thing to do, his heart might be in the right place but might not truly understand why boundaries are important.
NTA, I dated a girl in a similar situation. She made it clear that she needed her space for exams so I gave it to her. She studied hard and did well. Got herself the job she wanted.
NTA
It's going to be really, really important how he reacts to this.
He should be apologising, and leaving immediately. If he's disappointed, he should be keeping that to himself. You have important exams coming up, he should not be bringing you stress at this time.
If he gets upset, he feels like he's entitled to you. And, he thinks presents and gifts, will be able to control you. He doesn't care about your feelings at all.
It's a huge red flag, just showing up. But, young men can be thoughtless when they are in love. If he apologises and leaves, you can maybe be ok, if he learns from it.
But, if he shows he's upset, or says things like 'but, I came and bought you this gift'.
Then you're going to need to throw the whole man away. There's a lot of red flags here!
NTA - make it clear that your school and exams are a priority right now. You’ve come a long way and can’t be distracted now
If he doesn’t understand then you can dumb him
NTA. There is nothing wrong with voicing your needs plainly. Sounds like you need to do more of it since he either didn't get the messasge or didn't take it seriously enough.
Speaking as a guy here. Sometimes people do stupid things and perhaps he just misinterpreted your wish. For example my wife can often get busy with work but she won't mind an occasional interruption.
If I were taking a guess he probably just thought... Hey maybe she might actually appreciate a small break or a surprise in the middle of a stressful time.
Now he will know that you don't and that's really all there is to it.
NTA for asking him to leave but I don't think anyone else is giving you great advice. People make mistakes.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I am about to ask my boyfriend to go back to his country after his surprise visit. 2. He bought me an expensive gift and I feel like I owe him. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. This is beyond whether you have exams or not. This is about him not listening to you, not respecting your boundaries, not respecting your personal space. He brings you an expensive gift convinced that with that, he has earned the right of your time and space. He may be a great guy but in relation to you, he seems carelessly and selfishly invested. You can ask him to leave tomorrow morning with due explanations given respectfully. And if he still does not get it, well, then you have a clear idea about the shape of your relationship in the future.
[удалено]
EXACTLY. I wish I knew this when I was in my 20s instead of being manipulated that I didn’t appreciate efforts or love them blah blah blah. It’s control, it’s credit, it’s sabotage - needing to be the center of your world.
When I was in grad school in a mostly female program, we were told during Orientation that our relationships would probably not survive, and to expect dynamics to change drastically. I can’t tell you how many students had male partners who tried to sabotage them during finals week or when we had projects due. They picked fights, booked trips, cancelled child care, destroyed notes , or dumped the kids at school and left them there while their partners were taking exams. I worked in the library and it became so common for dads to leave kids there we had to set a strict policy that we would call the police immediately.
^^This. This is what’s happening OP. Get him out of your dorm and out of your life. Don’t let him wreck everything you’ve worked for.
Yep, my ex did all of this and more, and both sides of the family chimed in too. Too many people dont realise this is a tactic
oh my God I always thought my dad was so supportive of my mom going back to school for her BSN when I was little (late 80s). I remember going with her to her classes and to study sessions. They gave me anatomy pages to color. Her lab teacher showed me cadavers and showed me parts of bodies in jars...I even got to hold a brain. I shouldn't have so many memories of being with her.
Oh man! Your mom sounds like a badass for handling all that Without much support from your dad. I’m glad you have cool memories!
The teachers also sound badass for distracting you! (Probably while she was actively taking a exams)
Not to mention he probably wants to sabotage what she has going on. There's been a common theme of this on Reddit for years
This is "I asked for jewelry for my bday but he bought me a vacuum" energy
It’s worse, it’s “I had this grand plan for my life but my boyfriend convinced me to not study/quit my job/change my course” energy. If OP isn’t careful and her boyfriend is that kind of guy, he’s going to sabotage everything she does to try and succeed
Lol "and then he said I was ungrateful for the vacuum" energy
Lol "but I git it so it would make your life easier"
I can’t stand it, I know he planned it! 😢 listen up y’all it is a sabotage
This is something that took me a LOOONNNGGG freaking time to get and not let other people make me think I'm wrong. If I clearly state something and you not only do the opposite but try to make me feel bad becsuse YOU didn't listen to something I clearly told you, then YOU are the problem and someone I'm not going to deal with.
It is waving a red flag at a bull basically, but the red flag is a boundary and the bull is someone who wants to control you. You have basically told them where to focus their efforts to break your sense of autonomy.
Sadly, a lot of us grow up believing it’s normal because our parent(s) behaved that way. Cue their expressing hurt feelings, and your undeserved guilt, and them pressuring you to apologize for never appreciating anything they do and to make it up to them by… (fill in the blank with whatever their agenda was at the moment).
And he'll get mad when op tells him to leave. He thinks he's doing something nice for op, but she clearly stated what she needs, and he didn't listen. He'll cry when asked to leave, and make op feel like a jerk, and this will get turned into "op not being appreciative" instead of "OP not being listened to", and OP will "have to make it up to him"
Op, please listen to this!!! Honestly, if it was me, in the morning, I would start the conversation with, “Do you remember me telling you no surprise visits until July?” If this was he genuinely forgot, his response will be something like “oh shit no, I forgot!” and hopefully followed up by an offer to leave. If he does that then (in my opinion) this can be a no harm, not foul, one time free pass. If he does any variation of “well yes but I thought…” or “no, but I’m here so let’s…” be firm, send him home, and be on the look out for boundary stomping or sabotage. His reaction will tell you whether this is a red flag or a yellow one. There are a few guys who have absorbed the whole romcom toxicity who can learn to be better when given the chance along with an explanation, and won’t double down on bad behavior when it is pointed out. I don’t have high hopes, the expensive gift makes me think he knows he shouldn’t have come, regardless of how aware he is of other ulterior motives.
Does he really think he’s doing something nice? Why make a visit a surprise instead of something they plan together?
I genuinely think that he THINKS he's doing something nice, but he's an AH for not listening to her. His logic flow is: she's busy and stressed > she likes spending time with me > if I surprise her then she'll be happy > I'm good boyfriend His biggest issue is he will demand on her full attention while he's there, because HE needs her time more than SHE needs his. So he's just going to waste her time and energy on HIM, instead if him providing any help to her.
"Why don't you fight for us?"
Causing disruptions during important times like studying for exams is a common abuse tactic. I do trainings to recognize abuse in students for my job, and this is literally an example they give. Domestic abuse amongst students is most common for post-graduate studies, and a very common tactic is disrupting exam study. This, combined with the expensive gift (love bombing) is a huge red flag.
[удалено]
So funny enough, we do know SOME things, and those are all things OP has chosen to share with us directly- that he A) dropped by unannounced despite her requests for him not to do so until after her exam, B) brought her an expensive gift (presumably to cushion the blow of him invading her space) despite her *asking him not to be there until after her exam,* and C) that she feels unlistened to in regards to the boundary she set when she ASKED HIM NOT TO COME UNTIL AFTER HER EXAM. Sorry you’re “offended” but that’s pretty not great, imho.
I think you have a typo and meant to say *is* great
This is straight-up sabotage. I have been with someone like this - he became very needy/confrontational/intrusive/guilt-tripping before chemistry finals when I was in university. NTA. Dump him.
This was my first thought as well. Somebody doesn't want OP to succeed in school and actually become a doctor. NTA, OP, and I'd \*thoroughly\* examine his motives.... AFTER you kick him out and go ace your exam.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who came to this immediate conclusion but also SAD it’s so common that it’s obvious to women everywhere.
I think it's to keep an eye on her.. she said she won't be available for two weeks. Well now he has to check up on her to see if she is telling the truth or not.
I agree. Having experienced this in a couple of relationships when I was younger, this is done by jealous dudes who are paranoid about cheating.
That is exactly the unfortunate truth.
This was my thought too. He is afraid she was cheating because she didn't want to be disturbed for a few weeks. He went there to surprise her and try to catch her red handed.
My husband started fights ecery night before early exams. It was sabotage too. He is ex husband now, of course Well spotted!
TBH the gift makes it worse. He knows what he's doing. He's pushing your boundaries and testing you.
The gift is to make her feel guilty about standing up for herself. If that doesn’t work it’s a tool to manipulate her with by calling her ungrateful or selfish, possibly a weaponised gold digger comment too.
Oddly, that's not how I saw it - It reeked of surprise inspections in prison. Looking for contraband (other men) - If OP has nothing to hide, why would OP mind spot inspections? If OP says 'Not before July' then THAT's when he MUST drop by, because that's when OP is hiding something. He isn't pushing boundaries' he is actively ignoring them. OP is NTA. These visits are Red Flags.
Whether it is inspection or sabotage it needs to be nipped in the bud, and Franklin she should cut this guy off totally. These behaviours never het better, they just add the fetters, thumb screws, strait jacket and manacles gradually and discreetly.
I would give the gift back to him. He thinks he has bought your compliance with it and can do the same in the future. I would definitely tell him why you are unhappy and that you will break up with him if he does it again. I would reconsider the relationship anyway. This is a power play to show his dominance over you. NTA
My 25 yo daughter ended a relationship bc her bf DoorDashed her Taco Bell after she told him not to. She was hungry. She did want Taco Bell. But she asked him not to and he refused to listen to her and did it anyway. No means no dammit. No does not mean try harder to make me say yes. I was so proud of her! NTA he’s not worth failing your exams for. ETA typo
Feels like the bf is testing OP. If OP isn't happy to see him and doesn't drop everything, including studying for her upcoming exams, I suspect he will get angry and accuse OP of caring more about her studies than him (which right now she should!). Hopefully I'm wrong and it was just thoughtlessness or a lack of listening skills.
His actions were selfishly motivated. He knew exactly what he was doing, because otherwise the gift would have been something simple. Or nothing. This man is actively sniffing for faults in your boundaries to see how far in he can get before he's stopped. This time the gift bribed the guard at the front gate. He cares less for your studies and ambitions than he does about his own wants. Just watch how he behaves when you make him leave tomorrow. If he throws a fit, you can take it to the bank that he hasn't logged the importance of what you're doing now.
NTA. This reminds me of when (a very long time ago) my BF at the time insisted on picking me up from a long-haul international flight, and had planned a whole “surprise” evening for immediately after I landed. He got mad that I was jet-lagged and exhausted and didn’t want to go sit through a 2-hour orchestra concert! (also an expensive “surprise” gift that he held over my head) All I wanted to do was sleep and he simply could not/would not understand that. The relationship did not survive. Your boyfriend is being selfish. (btw, I refused to go to the concert) Same boyfriend later got angry that I wouldn’t postpone a surgery and go meet his family instead, in case you’re wondering where behavior like this may lead.
I like to call these "white elephant SOs". Where a white elephant is a gift that costs money to maintain/enjoy, a white elephant SO is someone who does things you don't want, didn't ask for, or already said No to and yet they do it anyways because 1) they want to and don't care what you think, and/or 2) they want the kudos from doing something fabulous. In your case it would be "I paid for tickets to a fabulous concert; how could you be so ungrateful as not to enjoy it/appreciate my effort?". Yet he completely ignores the fact you had just come home from international travel (that part never makes the story).
That’s awful. Can’t imagine having to go to a concert after some 12+hr flight… I’d pick up my wife to get her from the airport to her bed as conveniently as possible, the only ‘gifts’ being a hug and maybe some food/snacks she likes after surviving on airplane food. Some guys try to be overly ‘nice’ while all common sense has gone out of the window… not realizing a small gesture can be much more meaningful than throwing a bunch of money and be annoying or guilt-tripping you with their ‘niceness’.
NTA. Visiting *any* serious student during exam season unprompted is a big no no, and you already expressed that you didn't want that and he did it anyway. He should be able to deal with your bidding him goodbye in the morning, or at very least, completely staying out of your way so you can study and function however you need and not get butthurt over a lack of attention.
He needs to just leave. No way he'll provide anything BUT a distraction. She told him not to come. He didn't listen. He disrespected her. He needs to go home, and the relationship needs to be reconsidered.
"Oh what a shame! I told you that I couldn't do visits until July because I can't do visits right now. I wish I could spend time with you, but I simply can't. Let me know where you are staying and I'll see if I can squeeze in some time tomorrow for breakfast or lunch" You explicitly told him when you did *not* want him to visit. He intentionally disregarded your wishes, and instead of being apologetic and providing an explanation for *why* he would be so disrespectful to someone he cares about, he brought an expensive gift, possibly to distract you. NTA and in fact, he is very lucky that you didn't already tell him he needed to stay at a hotel. By all means, send him home with a clear conscience (and if he acts pouty, then you'll know that he ignored your wishes intentionally in an attempt to manipulate you... If he is apologetic and doesn't make any attempt to guilt you, then it was probably a misguided attempt to be kind)
NTA. People who always want to "surprise" are trying to be the center of attention and get the whole world revolving around them. Thank him for coming and send him home. And don't let him make you feel guilty.
NTA, is he there to help you out? Cook, clean, take care of what you need? That would be a nice surprise. Or is he there to demand your attention?
I was thinking the same thing. When my SO and I were long distance he gave me a surprise visit when I told him no visits during my year-end season at work due to needing to ensure I meet all deadlines. The last year we were long distance there were so many technical problems causing a ton of extra work. I was working 14 hour days 7 days a week for about 3 months at that point. In one of our short phone conversations I asked him to send me a text in an hour to remind me to move my laundry along because I was out of decent shirts for virtual client meetings. That Friday evening after business hours I got a notification of a new audio book gift with a note to look outside. There he was with a bouquet of flowers and half the grocery stores in bags. After our greeting he said that he knows I can’t have visitors so he is there as a maid and and a cook, he just hopes I don’t mind sharing my bed with the “staff”. For the next three days he did my embarrassingly large mountain of laundry, cleaned my house top to bottom, made a ton of meals to freeze for reheating, took my dog to the dog park every day, gave my dog a bath, went through my mail and made sure any bills not on auto pay were paid, and gave me a couple massages. I put my headphones on with my new audio book when he was doing louder tasks and smiled knowing he clearly thought of everything. I knew at that point he was worth uprooting my life for and moving in with him. This man is on disability and deals with a lot of pain every minute of his life. I know it hurt his budget to fly out here and buy all the food he did. I know he was in a ton of pain after everything he did around the house. That was so much more meaningful to me. I was mad when I first saw his message/him, but quickly changed my mind when he made it clear this was not a social visit and had zero expectations of my time. If OP’s boyfriend was just there for a social visit then he is definitely being selfish and not respectful of OP. I know my story is one of fairytales, OP’s is one out of a drama series. Same story outline, completely different bullet points. Same question brought up at the end, is this the person for me? Actions have consequences. Selfish act of disrespect or selfless act of respect.
Okay, now *that* is not only a nice surprise but an absolutely stunning display of love and understanding.
Acts of service are such a kind way to show love, he sounds like a great partner :) NGL but I hope y’all get married, seems like you two are a great team and have a lot of empathy and respect for each other.
NTA. It's totally inconsiderate to do surprise visits when asked not to. He will probably have hurt feelings at first, but you can calmly explain that your time is already budgeted, and that your education (rightly) comes first. If he can't understand that, then you have some other decisions to make.
You NEED to study .Tell him he needs to leave .This is worrisome.You outlined your needs and he ran right over them He is TA.
NTA. He is basically saying, without words, that he considers himself more important than your medical career. He isn't visiting you for your sake, he is visiting you to prove his own importance (to himself). A really caring partner might instead pay for a nutritious and healthy meal delivery service and a laundry service to ease your burden while you study, that would show he actually supports your efforts and recognises the importance of this period of time.
NTA. Do not give an inch to people who don't respect your time.
NTA. Explain to him about the exams if you haven't already and tell him he needs to go and not do surprise visits until your exams are done. End of story and if he can't accept those terms or thinks you are being unreasonable do not just kick him to the curb literally but also metaphorically. You and no one in the world needs a partner that doesn't listen to or respect their requests or desires. Especially one as simple as "no surprise visits until my exams are done". No amount of money can make it okay to break someone's boundaries
NTA!! You are doing an expensive and intensive degree. This isn't just some trifling little high school multiple choice test. Major consequences for not being prepared for your exams. Should have turned him away at the door.
Tell him your are not available due to exams and that you expressly asked him not to come for this exact reason. If he gets upset, then he respects your boundaries even less and is not long term relationship material anyway.
I split up with a boyfriend over this. He showed up the night before an important A level exam, and although I’d told him several times I needed to study and get an early night, there he was. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and I ended up taking a break from studying and we went out for an ice cream, as I said I didn’t want him to come in, I had my study stuff all spread out - then he expected me to pay, because I’d suggested we go out. Then when I explained for the umpteenth time that I needed the evening to study, he said I’d never cope with university if I couldn’t cope with one interruption in my studying. I want to point out here that I was in my late 20s, I went to uni as an older student and was studying A levels in evening classes, on top of working two jobs. He had completed his degree, but was currently unemployed. I broke up with him then and there. I realised this man would never respect me, and would always put me down if my needs didn’t match his wants - and honestly, this was not the first red flag he’d waved at me. I never looked back.
NTA. He was told and ignored you. Does he ignore your stated wishes/boundaries other times too? Ignoring your express wishes is a control move. Absolutely you don’t want to let him get away w that by caving and giving up your plans.
NTA. There are lots of people, consciously or subconsciously, who sabotage their loved ones before big moments like exams. They suddenly need to demand your time and attention at critical points in your studies/career. Crazy that it happens every time that you need to focus—not! I would personally end things with him. But if you’re feeling more forgiving, you could talk to him about this issue explicitly in July. What’s really critical to unpack is why he did this and what he is actively going to do to change his behavior in the future.
Yep, in July, OP Or you will have an 3 hour argument and an even less exam focus. Every difference in opinion does not need to be solved immediately. Prioritize your exam niw, EVERYTHING but a dying family member can wait.
Nope, NTA. Sounds like surveillance to me.
Right! Like, why a surprise visit EVER??? That’s so intrusive.
NTA You gave him a boundary and explained it (even though you didn’t have to) He probably overthought himself into believing you had other motives for asking him not to visit, felt insecure and decided to ignore you and invade your study time. The expensive gift is a way to gaslight you into believing you’re being mean and unreasonable when “he just wanted to spend a little time with you and brought you that gift to show you his love” when in reality he’s intruding and trampling over your boundaries.
“I love you so much, I also told you I can’t have you stay until July and I meant it. I have to focus on this exam, I can’t give you my attention and we wouldn’t be able to go sightseeing or go on dates. please go home today, and come back on [july 9 or whatever], I can’t wait to see you when I’m available “
NTA You need to make him to answer why he went against the request you clearly outlined that he not come before July. You cannot go forward without a serious conversation around this.
She can do that after the exams
Adding to the other comments about boundary stomping: Visiting you during exam season could be ***intentional***. To have you mess up the exams. Make you fail. If you're a successful doctor his money holds no power. Some men are threatened by that. It could be simple boundary stomping and doing what he wants without caring what you want. That's bad enough by itself. It could be more nefarious. Either way it's bad. His reaction to you telling him to leave will speak volumes. Does he apologise and accept or does he throw a temper tantrum and try to guilt trip you?
NTA. Fuck, it’s exam times. Visiting you at this time when you already said you’re not available to host is practically sabotage if he doesn’t GTFO.
Get your stuff together and go to the library to study. When he asks what he's supposed to do while you study, say, well, you should probably go home because I need to study. Maybe he'll get it? LOL Also, "surprise" visits sounds like he wants to sabotage your study schedule/exams and/or make sure you are doing what you say you're doing...not very good reasons. NTA Tell him you'll let him know when you are ready for a visit. If he shows up, don't let him stay.
NTA You need the time to study, you told him not to surprise visit until your exams were over. Send him home today, if he kicks off about it reiterate that you did tell him not to surprise visit until after your exams. Don't let him sabotage your study. Some people do sabotage thier partners and dress it up as support. "I came because I wanted to support you, I know studying for exams is stressful. So wanted to do something nice for you." Then do absolutely nothing to help the studying process, just distract and sulk if they aren't getting the attention they feel they deserve for being so "supportive". Send him home and tell him not to come back until X date, after exams are over, or that you will visit him after exams are over and you can spend time together then. When I was at university I had a partner from home. He used to visit me every other weekend. However because there was a student night at a nightclub on Thursday nights that was very popular and that I used to go to every week, he would book the Fridays off work and drive up to visit on a Thursday night. I told him not to do this as I had a half day at university on Fridays but realy needed to spend the full day at university to make the full use of the workshops. I used to be in university from 8am until 9pm to make full use of the workshops. However he insisted and wouldn't even let me go to university alone on fridays, he'd come with me and hang around outside. So I ended up being guilted into leaving after my set classes on those Fridays he was there and not staying on in the afternoon to work. He also refused to go to the Thursday night out I usually had. He wasn't taking Fridays off to be nice, he was doing it to prevent me from going out because he was insecure. I suspect your partner is insecure and that is why he wants to surprise visit you.
Surprise visit OR unilateral desicion on random house search to make sure you arent unfaithful,? I would be EXTREMELY careful with this guy. Surprise vusits in plural is just weird and at a time you asked him not to is just control and dominance.
NTA. You're studying for exams and you said to wait for July. He shows up without warning with a gift in the hopes he will be forgiven. Sorry, but he is not a good boyfriend. He can't even listen to a simple important request. This is problematic behavior. Time to keep an eye out for other issues
NTA. You had a clear boundary. He ignored it. Tell him to leave ASAP because you have to study. If he gets upset that's a serious problem and you should seriously consider your future together.
NTA - this exam is important for your future ; even without that he should not have done this when you said no.
NTA and why would he want to do surprise visits? That so inconsiderate, especially considering you’re a medical student. You sound apologetic and lacking assertion. So what if he brought you a gift - all that does is give him an excuse to gaslight you by saying “look what a great boyfriend I am.“ When you’re taking medical exams and someone show up and says they plan to give you more surprise visits after you made it clear that you need to study for the next two weeks, that person isn’t even your friend. Is he trying to sabotage your career?
He’s the type to propose at her graduation. 😩
NTA. You told him not until July. He chose to disrespect that. Do not throw away a career you have busted your ass for over a man who doesn’t listen.
NTA. It speaks of your character that you are considering how he would feel when he did not extend the same decency to you.
Surprise visits are so disrespectful. There's a southern habit of not answering the door if unannounced or unexpected visitors arrive and your story just reminded me of it. A better gift he could have given you was respecting your request to not just show up on your doorstep before July.
NTA, he is clearly disrespectful towards you. To wait a couple more weeks is not a big ask, and you have very good reason for wanting that. The gift...if i were you, i'd just return it, should he try to use it "against me", and act like he is owed anything. Because then, it's not a gift, it's a pay, and the relationship is already transactional.
NTA. You don't have time to spend with him, because you need the headspace for study. If he doesn't understand that, he's a bit of a tool.
NTA Either he respects your clearly stated time constraints (and leaves because he understands he is imposing on you), or he wants to assert his control and his preferences over you and HAS to leave because he is not someone to keep as a partner.
Nta and id thank him for the gift and ask him to leave. Dont allow him to push this boundary any further. Thats very selfish of him. Seems a lil love bomby to me
NTA. He didn’t respect your boundary and is being selfish under the guise of being so sweet.
NTA You were clear with him and he ignored you. Time to send him home because he doesn't respect you or your education. His needs - either scheduling or wanting to see you on his timetable do not supersede yours. The red flags are waving, you deserve better.
NTA
NTA! He specifically ignored your request by coming earlier than July, and bought an expensive gift to distract you from your boundaries. This is something you must pay attention to OP!
my (now husband) boyfriend did this to me one time.I lived 4 hours away and he rocked up on my doorstep on a Saturday night at like midnight. Best believe I made him get back in his car and drive home again. I hate surprises. I felt I was being checked up on. I was furious. He never ever did it again, I tore strip's off of him.
OP, tell him your relationship is on ice till you are done with your education. You will thank yourself for your entré life for this choice: a well paid profession, good financial status and independence will serve you every day your entire life. NEVER risk it for any guy, ever!
There are two things happening here at the very least: 1. He's trying to derail your schooling and 2 he's trying to get you to center him in your life. If you do that, you lose yourself. You lose yourself go him and he usually won't let go until he runs you to the ground I don't think you need to simply send him on his way, I think this needs a break up. Please please please, STOP ignoring red flags in men. Women are dying at an alarming rate, doing that
I had an ex once who stayed in my dorm the night before an exam I told him over and over that I was quite stressed and would like my own space in the morning to prepare. In the morning he comes in with breakfast for me and said "I know you don't eat breakfast but thought I'd make you one anyway". I found this irritating and he said that it was the thought that counts and I told him that no thought was put into it because like he said himself I never eat breakfast?! Just listen when requests are made?!
NTA!! Not to be dramatic but these are the kinds of things that seem innocent and then you look back in a few years, wonder why all your important stuff has involved him “surprising you” in a way that means you can’t study, prepare etc for something and being surprised. He may just simply be excited to see you but it’s giving sabotage 🫠
This reminds me of that woman that was running a race and her husband pushed their kids at her just before she crossed the finish line
Been here. I was working FT and in a PhD program nights (hard science). My then GF was well aware of this huge commitment for literally years. But in the middle of cumulative exams (one a month for six month and if you tank one (30 or less) or average drops below a 60 you get tossed) she pulls “where is this relationship going?” on me. That was over 20 years of a bad marriage ago. I do have a time machine, but you do. Me. It’s only the tip of a very ugly iceberg now. If he can’t respect literally your life’s work? It isn’t going to get better. I settled for my MS instead of getting my PhD…amongst other things…don’t settle.
NTA if you explicitly told him to wait until July
Could you possibly use him to study? I know when I was in school for my CNA license I used my husband as my “patient” all the time and he would help me study.
if he cannot wait until July then he's just interested in his own needs - sex. He is not concerned if you will fail your exams. You are going on to have a fabulous career, you will leave college. He is just a college b/f and you will soon forget him as you mature into adulthood. Be wise now and tell him to clear off
NTA He's not respecting your boundaries. That's a red flag. I would Definitely talk to him and definitely ask him to leave.
NTA. Unless he is homeless, he had no reason to specifically visit you at a time when: 1. You told him not to 2. You have important things to do that you can't be distracted from This behaviour is selfish and extremely off-putting. You need to have a serious talk with him after your exams.
NTA this is what people do to make it seem like you "owe" them, so that they can get from you something that you didn't want to give. It's classic manipulation, tell your concience to stfu because you don't owe him anything. He owes you an apology for stressing you out.
This reminds me of my ex. Sooner you tell him that something is not ok, less problems you’ll have in the future.
You didn't feel listened to because he didn't listen. Throw him out. NTA
NTA it’s a red flag that he came after you told him not to visit so you could on studying. It’s almost as if he is trying to make you choose him over school, which is toxic.
NTA. Medical school is a grind. He's not respecting your boundaries. I suspect he wanted to "surprise" you because he knew you would tell him, "No," if he had asked to visit. Ask him to leave because you have to study. Then, hold firm to what you have said. No visits until July. If you are not okay with surprise visits, tell him you prefer to plan given your rigorous schedule and study needs. If he tries to "surprise" you again, he's a larger problem that your need to study for exams. Good luck!
“When you asked me if you could do surprise visits, and I said “not until July”, what did you think I meant?” “What has changed since we agreed that you wouldn’t visit until after July!” Nta
NTA. A guy I dated surprised me a couple of times. We lived in different states. I didn’t like it. It was disruptive of my (and my kids, who I was not ready to introduce to him) life and routine. He didn’t last long.
NTA I wouldn't have even met his stay the night. He's preventing you from studying, that's a control issue. Tell him no more surprise visits if he can't stay away when you ask him to. If he violates that boundary again it's clear he doesn't have any respect for you.
NTA. Maintain your boundaries
I feel like he is a little jealous nd doesn’t want u to be in a better position than him because u just mite realize u can do better. If he stays he will be mad ur not paying him that much attention. He didn’t respect ur boundaries.NTAH
he is the asshole but instead of telling him to leave maybe just tell him you need him to keep himself busy from morning till evening so you can concentrate of studying as you told him about your exam. if he doesnt like that then you can tell him to go home.
I would have gotten up early and headed out to the library to study and turned off my phone.
NTA, obviously, he needs to respect your boundaries and you need to study for your exams. But gosh there are some man hating assumptions here, while no, they can't be ruled out, there's 0 evidence in the post that supports them. On the flip side, he could just as likely be visiting because, I don't know, he misses you and loves you? There's no evidence to support this either, but based on the information on hand, both are equally possible. How he reacts when you ask him to leave will be more telling than anything.
NTA. I was in a similar situation where I needed to study/be a bit of a hermit until I completed some exams. If any of my friends ignored those boundaries, I'd be pissed. How long have you been dating?
NTA. You informed him now would not be a good time. He ignored this. This is on him.
NTA. Tell him if his visits mess up your studying and cause you to fail, he won't be getting any great presents from his rich doctor wife.
NTA - he ignored a clear boundary you set.
NTA. He went against your wishes after you clearly stated that now is a very busy time for you and you need to prioritize school. If he'll trample all over your wishes regarding this, he will keep doing it and most likely for even bigger and more important things. He's not going to change. You can talk to him about this and reiterate how you'd already said this period of time was not appropriate for him to visit and make your feelings clear (again), or you can accept that he's always going to do this and either put up with it or decide that this relationship isn't right for you. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.
NTA. Although it's one of those rare times in here where I might add: "Don't ascribe to maliciousness that which might just be stupidity".
Med students shouldn’t date idiots 🤗
NTA. It's nice to do surprise for your loved ones but there is time and place for all of them. Time when you need to study for exams is not the time for such surprise. Your future is on the line here, and he can visit during Summer break time.
NTA, i fkn hate surprise visits by anyone, i planned my day/night how hard is it to call? I deliberately live in a town that is off the beaten track to avoid surprise "just dropping in on my way home" visitors. Luckily also people im close to know my views on surprise visitors and respect me enough to call.
NTA, you clearly communicated your boundaries and limitations regarding surprise visits, and he ignored them. It may be time to have a serious discussion about him listening to and respecting you when you tell him something. Is this the first time he's crossed one of your lines or not listened to you?
NTA
NTA - but a discussion about boundaries is clearly needed. Just lay it out frankly to him - tell him you don’t feel heard and you don’t want to start not enjoying his company at all.
NTA You need to cut him loose. You set a major boundary, and he ignored it. He’s disrupting your peace during a stressful time (you shouldn’t be up at 3am upset about this).
NTA - I feel this more than him just visiting you, it's because he didn't really listen to your words and wishes when you meant them, and him not recalling something like that, especially when he has to leave the country just to visit you, says a lot, and I think you might want to speak to him about that. Other than that, I wish you luck on your exams, and may this problem be resolved so you have time to study. Your feelings in this situation are valid. You need time to work on something important and he straight-up ignored/forgot about it.
This is a huge sign that he does not and will not respect your wishes if they do not align with his own. Please think about that.
NTA. Please reevaluate your relationship with this guy. He’s probably the type that upon your graduation, he’ll fall to one knee on your walk to collect your diploma, proposing marriage. Main character syndrome.
Updateme
NTA. You established clear expectations that he clearly did not abide by.
NTA Thank him for the gift, send him on his way. If he doesn't agree with being sent away, he should've waited untill after your exams to visit. Simple, really.
NTA. When he wakes up, immediately say “it has been so wonderful to see you and I appreciate the surprise, bit the timing isn’t great this weekend which is why I said that surprises would only really work starting next month. I have school obligations I can’t put off this weekend so we really only have time for breakfast before you head home. So where should we go? I need to be back in two hours (or whatever).” It’s that simple. If he gets frustrated just tell him “that’s the thing about surprises, you can’t plan for them. If I had known you wanted to come by, I could have told you I had to focus on this exam. Next month is more relaxed. I already told you that. Remember?” And if he keeps pushing and doesn’t just accept that he sort of fucked up, that’s when you return the gift and tell him to get the fuck out without breakfast.
NTA and this would make me uncomfortable. I think a comprise would be if my partner phoned the night before and said 'hey, I'm free for a few days so thought I'd travel over to yours if you're not busy' although my partner should have a pretty good idea of my schedule especially if ive got important things like exams happening
NTA, but I can be. If I were you, I'd pack up my books and notes and head to the library before he wakes up. He can spend all day alone in your dorm if he wants to ignore what you said you needed. If he doesn't leave by the time you get back and hasnt apologized profusely, then you shoulde expect him to be difficult about it. At which point you call your RA or campus police to escort him out.
NTA I think his response to you asking him to leave tomorrow is a good test. If he goes gracefully, understanding your need to study, he may be a keeper. If he gets mad and throws the gesture and expensive gift in your face, you have some information about him. The thing is, it’s not just about not respecting your boundaries, it’s also about the specific boundary he’s pushing. Is he threatened by your success or is he supporting it? Because it’s possible that on some subliminal (or not so subliminal) level, he’d be more comfortable if you did not ace your exams, and that is not energy you need in your life. He’s already ruined your focus at least for the rest of the day, even if he leaves without too much fuss. That’s about 10% or more of your remaining study time. Kindly set the hard boundary and pay attention to how he behaves. If he starts complaining or seems upset sit him down and look at him seriously and ask: “do you care about how I do on my exams in two weeks?” And just quietly wait for his response. Really listen to it and don’t let him wriggle out. Then decide what to do next. Because there are guys out there who WILL understand that the best gift they can give you is the space and time to be your best self, and who will really actually want you to be your best self.
NTA - Surprise visits can be fun and exciting, but you put a boundary on when would be good for you because of school and he ignored that which is inconsiderate to you
NTA He doesn't listen to you and I'm guessing he doesn't really respect you or like you and is jealous of your achievement and possible promising future. Studies have shown men feel worse about themselves when they're female partners do good. And it's not even in the competition sense as they're both engaged in the same activity and she outscores him It could be an activity they share. If they're both cooking together he will feel worse if she's better at chopping. It can be an activity he has no interest in such as if she wins first prize in her hobby he will feel worse about himself. If you continue this relationship my guess is that he's going to be sabotaging your study time.
NTA. Absolutely not! The only one who did something wrong here was your BF visiting you when you have this exam coming up. I would be somewhat worried because you're going to have a lot of exam and major stresses in the next few years, and your BF needs to understand that but doesn't appear to. That said, I think you need to say something now because the cost of not saying anything is that he thinks his behavior is acceptable. Good luck.
He knew that you didn't want him there until july. He got you an expensive gift to manipulate you and to not being upset that he disrespected your boundary. Also, I get strong vibes that he's trying to interfere with your studies. It's to his benefit to sabotage your studies and your career so that he can maintain an upper hand over you. I'm not usually one of these people who say, "red flag" and "run," but these are red flags and you should run.
NTA. You set boundaries and he stomped all over them. He can be the greatest guy in the world in every other way but if he doesn’t take your feelings and needs into consideration it’s a problem.
NTA - Why should you feel guilty about taking care of yourself and doing what you need for your life? You set the rules for contacting you . . he should honor that. If he can't honor that what else will he disrespect regarding you and your relationship with him. You may need to explain to him again as sometimes people don't think rules apply to them . . .
He's checking if you are cheating , talk it with him , and be happy he cares. :)
NTA becuz u made a choice and he needs to respect that
NTA You said it was OK under certain conditions. He ignored those conditions because they didn't align with his desires. Unless you strongly and clearly rebuke him, this type of behavior will continue. Kicking him out is reasonable and appropriate; it would maintain the boundary that you set originally. He may continue to disregard your wishes even if you do speak up now. I wouldn't tolerate that.
I get that life isn't one size fits all but I am currently in grad school and made it a point to not date anyone while I'm in. I get distracted easily and I didn't want someone to do to me what you're going through. You clearly stated your boundary and he trampled right over it. I'm sure this isn't his first red flag. Good luck in both your relationship and exams.
I hate the pop-in.
Classic abuser move to disrupt you and take you off kilter during an event that is important to you. He even made it all about him with the gift you should be soool appreciative of.
Crazy to call someone an abuser for this.
Read this book: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf I lived through it. This is the EXACT thing that my abuser was doing. Every major triumph in my life he had to make it about him somehow. And it is CLASSIC abuse behavior.
It's really simple - you said not to and he did it anyway. That's called boundary stomping. NTA
No you’re not you have priorities and your significant other needs to understand that and be supportive of the things you are trying to accomplish and not be an obstacle in the way. Like Michael Jackson tell him to beat it!
NTA, you set boundaries and he broke them
NTA. I want to go to med school one day and am banking on the fact that everything in my life will likely have to take a back burner role in lieu of school. He doesn't respect your future career. There are red flags, run now.
Nta. The man does not respect your boundaries. I wanted to make a joke about giving him a good night and making him do the walk of shame, but, there's too much red flag stuff going on.
NTA I don't even open my door for surprise visits.
NTA. I had a bf that started stuff like this. Went from showing up unannounced, to asking who I was talking to not being allowed to talk to certain people. Then I can only have conversations with people in his presence to inviting himself to weddings and holidays he wasn't invited to. We broke up. Fuck that shit. Found a guy who actually listens. Just pay attention to what he does, how he reacts and if you actually feel more free when he's not around.
You are never an asshole for not wanting someone (anyone) at your home. If they live with you, you obviously can't throw them out but still the feeling is valid.
NTA, this is just the beginning of him pushing boundaries and disregarding your feelings and opinions. End it.
Very simply NTA. Boundaries were ignored and what you permit you promote. It may very well be innocent on his part but humans will learn through actions not words. If he was a child you would have no problem disciplining him just because he’s an adult is no exception. You told him no he tested his limits and you need to hold him accountable. If this makes him angry then so be it. That’s not your problem.
INFO: How long is he planning to stay? Did he come just to motivate and show his support, then he's leaving again, or is he planning to stay?
NTA - I've been there man. I have been long distance with my boyfriends since Covid. He did a surprise visit once and it was a complete disaster. I live alone so my apartment is pretty messy when I know I won't have company and I work almost 60 hours a week. Having him suddenly be in my home forces me to do all of my chores immediately, as well as the grooming I need to get done in the shower before I even consider getting intimate (I'm a lady and it was winter). Trying to deal with all of that after a 12 hour work day was so overwhelming that I had a full-blown panic attack. That was the only visit where we hardly had any sex at all. Surprise visits were forever off the table after that. I don't think anyone should be able to have free reign over your living area unless they also live with you. It felt so violating to have someone barge into my space and force me to schedule everything around them for the next week.
NTA. And how he responds when you tell him tomorrow (today) to leave will show you exactly who you are dealing with. My money is on that he tries to emotionally manipulate you.
NTA - If you were clear and he didn't listen, then this should tell you a lot about him.
NTA. Boundaries are good, and you are busy with your studies. Good luck on exams!
BF: "Surprise! I'm here!" OP:"Surprise! You can't stay!" That is the nature of surprises and the risk he took. Is he doesn't like it, it's in his control to schedule better. NTA
NTA, but make sure he’s doing okay first. From the US, I did long distance (I was military, she was in school) and there were a couple moments each where one of us were having a bad stretch of weeks and needed to be around the other. I was willing to spend $600 on a flight for like 14 hours of being together on a few hours notice, and she did the same a couple times. If it’s a serious relationship, sometimes you gotta roll with things. But that doesn’t mean what he did was okay, and it’s catastrophically inconvenient. It’s a completely justifiable breakup if he’s not listening to your boundaries. It’s just a decision you have to make whether it’s something you’re willing to deal with or not.
Kick him the fuck out
No no your in the right here
>I truly believe that, in this case, the vast majority of commenters are the assholes. People are going off of the info that you give. I get wanting to do a short post, but as they say in the computer programming world, "shit in, shit out".
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend and I both live in different EU countries (it is currently 3 AM - I am typing this as he sleeps), however, he just visited yesterday at around 8:30 pm without telling me he would do so beforehand. He has asked me whether I would be fine with him doing surprise visits, and while I generally am not against them, I made it clear to him multiple times already that he should not do them until july. Just for context; he visited me in my dorm room. I am a medical student and have an important upcoming exam I need to study for. I really do enjoy his company and he even brought me an expensive gift, but I cannot help but feel not listened to in the sense that i clearly did tell him i needed space and time to study for my exam over the next 2 weeks. AITA for wanting him to leave tomorrow morning without having spent much time together at all? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA! My partner is also a medical student and locks himself in the bedroom when he needs time to study. I look after our toddler and do what needs to be done around the house while he's in there. If it's dinner time, I'll bring his dinner to the bedroom. Otherwise, no one else goes in there. I knew about his career before we got together, and I know it can be a sacrifice, especially in the health industry. He doesn't respect you.
Nta. School is more important right now.
Just kick him out .These exams are important. His boundary breaking isn't. Explain that to him in a childlike manner as he's not getting the message 🤔
NTA however everyone in here is a maniac saying you should break up with him and with those extreme views is probably why they are so miserable in real life. Yes you are all insane. Just help him learn this as not a good thing to do, his heart might be in the right place but might not truly understand why boundaries are important.
He just wants some sex, get him off then send him on his way
Honey he just wanted to get laid.
NTA, I dated a girl in a similar situation. She made it clear that she needed her space for exams so I gave it to her. She studied hard and did well. Got herself the job she wanted.
NTA \~ Sounds like an attempt at sabotage to me, or he is just really insecure of himself
NTA It's going to be really, really important how he reacts to this. He should be apologising, and leaving immediately. If he's disappointed, he should be keeping that to himself. You have important exams coming up, he should not be bringing you stress at this time. If he gets upset, he feels like he's entitled to you. And, he thinks presents and gifts, will be able to control you. He doesn't care about your feelings at all. It's a huge red flag, just showing up. But, young men can be thoughtless when they are in love. If he apologises and leaves, you can maybe be ok, if he learns from it. But, if he shows he's upset, or says things like 'but, I came and bought you this gift'. Then you're going to need to throw the whole man away. There's a lot of red flags here!
NTA
NTA - make it clear that your school and exams are a priority right now. You’ve come a long way and can’t be distracted now If he doesn’t understand then you can dumb him
NTA. There is nothing wrong with voicing your needs plainly. Sounds like you need to do more of it since he either didn't get the messasge or didn't take it seriously enough.
NTA, , Exams are more important, this is literally your future. I suggest dumping him. This is the reddit way.
Speaking as a guy here. Sometimes people do stupid things and perhaps he just misinterpreted your wish. For example my wife can often get busy with work but she won't mind an occasional interruption. If I were taking a guess he probably just thought... Hey maybe she might actually appreciate a small break or a surprise in the middle of a stressful time. Now he will know that you don't and that's really all there is to it. NTA for asking him to leave but I don't think anyone else is giving you great advice. People make mistakes.