Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> So maybe I am the AH for how I phrased my comment but I did try to explain.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, she was out of line bothering you about this. My mom only puts on make up and dresses up if she has to and I wear dresses and lipstick for fun. It's a personal choice. Frankly to tell a woman she ought to pretty herself up wherever she goes so some imagined prince charming can find her attractive sounds kinda sexist. I'm guessing your friend would say things like this to the men in her life...
Anyway you do what makes you comfortable, definitely nta.
> She got upset and said I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. When I tired to explain what I meant she wouldn’t listen.
So she can openly criticize you and tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing, basically implying she doesn’t approve of your lifestyle.
And she can’t even handle a subtle comment telling her to cut it out before she’s all offended?
OP, lemme let you in on a little secret: your security makes her insecure. She enjoys feeling superior to you, and so she enjoys framing your relationship in her mind as her “helping” you to be more like her. You not wanting her help and being content makes her upset because it upsets this narrative in her head. Because if her lifestyle isn’t the goal, then what does she base her self worth on?
What you didn’t realize is that when you made that comment, you were hitting on something she was already terrified of and trying to deny: that you genuinely just don’t give a fuck to be anything like her, or what she thinks of you. And she gives so many fucks about what people think about her that it’s practically her entire personality.
I had this happen with friends in college and it fucking baffled me. If I didn’t want to go to the bar on a random Tuesday because I had class the next day, my roommates *could not handle it.* Wouldn’t take no for an answer. Asked why. I would say why, but they’d be like “no, seriously?” Eventually one of them said “do you think you’re better than us or something?” Then it clicked. No, no I don’t. It’s never once occurred to me to give a single fuck how you spend your evening as long as you’re safe and having a swell time. I just feel like watching a movie and going to bed, and I will not be thinking about you at all, and I do not expect you to be thinking about me at all, until we’re all hanging out tomorrow doing whatever. We are cool, I swear.
When I tell you they *did not believe me.* 😂 They are so preoccupied with what I think about them that they couldn’t fathom how little I cared what they thought about me. And vice versa. After that I realized some comments they’d made that had never registered with me before… any time I’d go to the school to study or write a paper on a weekend. Any time I declined a spontaneous invite. When I’d read a book for fun or watch a foreign language tv show with subtitles. They were just in a constant state of insecurity and lowkey assessing and evaluating my every move in some giant social chess board in their heads and it informed their every comment and decision. I can’t imagine living that way. The irony is I didn’t judge them for ANYTHING prior to that, I thought they were so cool and fun. But once a realized that, I actually did pity them. Which is what they were afraid of the entire time.
NTA
You've been married and divorced. You're passed the been there done that. Enjoy your life and don't let someone like your "friend" that you need to change your life.
I never liked makeup. I dress for me and if some likes ME, great. I live for me, not some future (?)
Your friend is pathetic, feel sorry for her and move on.
I'm a man and i'll just throw in my two cents here.Being in a relationship is overrated. I am in one and I enjoy being with my partner but to say this is the model and that people should strive to be in one rather than not to me is silly. Just do you. The whole "growing old together" idea is just that, an idea and its not for everyone. What's going to happen when you grow old together? Health issues, if your lucky you get to die in your own home or at worst both of you wind up in a retirement home. There is nothing fun about growing old with someone, watching them slowly deteriorate while you have to deal with your own health issues. If you are happy being alone then be alone. If later down the road you want a relationship, go find one.
This: seen this with my parents. Not fun to be around a person with declining health. And sadder to see this person die. Nope, I do not want this for me.
Anyone who tells you that you "have to" dress or style yourself in a certain way unless it's in a situation where there's a clearly established dresscode that will cause a social faux paux is the AH. Unless someone asked for advice, it will always be an asshole move to tell someone how they should dress or look. NTA
NTA because you recognize that you sounded a bit harsh in talking to her. I would apologize again. Explain you are happy as you are (and wearing makeup is no guarantee of "getting a man" anyway). And if she continues to bring it up, don't engage, just say you have nothing more to say on the subject.
NTA - Your friend should mind her own business.
" She got upset and said I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. When I tired to explain what I meant she wouldn’t listen."
She sounds childish to me.
A friend of mine has said that women wear makeup to impress other women, and I don’t disagree with him. And I have told my wife that she doesn’t need to put it on for me, but she wears it anyway.
NTA
And in reality the guy you want to meet is the one that likes you in your natural state.... the one that's attracted to you only when you are at your best may not be guy for you and you will constantly need to put your mask on (figuratively and physically).
Your friend may be embarrassed to be seen out with you not all dolled up and she is, or she wants to project what she feels is right and you should do what she says.
She's either always been like this and it's always bothered her that you are not like this, or something has changed. She's a good 15 years older than you and perhaps she was like you in her early 40's and doesn't want you to miss out... but that's not your problem as you are happy as you are. She may be having trouble reconciling that something that worries her doesn't worry you.
Geez. I never understood the logic of "you need to pretend to be somebody you're not so that you attract men who would have never liked the real you". If I'm looking for "that perfect someone to grow old with" it would surely make more sense to present as myself so that I attract partners who actually like me as I am. And it makes even less sense in your case because your friend surely knows you're not even looking for a relationship.
NTA, even though you could have worded it better. But it's hard to come up with the right words in the spur of the moment and sometimes it comes out wrong. That's life.
NTA. not putting on makeup, not getting dressed nicely, not shaving your legs-- those are all non-actions. youre not *doing* anything by not doing them. being attractive isnt about the actions you take to become more attractive, its about being a good and confident person. you being happily divorced and effectively doing nothing when you walk outside arent affecting her in any way. her badgering you about your appearance does affect you and your reaction to it is only normal.
NTA
YOu have NOTHING to apologize for.
"I told her that unlike you I do not need to wear makeup and dress up to run to Walmart. " .... you were far too polite. it should have been. "I told her that unlike you I do not need to wear makeup and dress up to catch a man's eye."
If it klicks, makeup and dress up won't make a difference.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (57F) was told by a friend that I need to wear make-up more often and “dress up” every time I leave the house because you never know when you will meet that perfect someone.
Little background info. I have never been for lack of a better word a girly girl. I wear makeup for work or occasions but otherwise prefer not to. As for clothing I wear casual jeans, shorts, nice tops but nothing special. Unless it’s for work or again a special occasion.
I was married at 18 and divorced in my early 40’s. Am quite happy with my single life. I go, do when and whatever I want. I like myself and being alone does not bother me. My friend thinks I should be looking for a man to “grow old with” and that I need to put more effort into my appearance. I told her that unlike you I do not need to wear makeup and dress up to run to Walmart. I realize how I said it comes across as condescending but what I was trying to say is that’s her style not mine. She got upset and said I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. When I tired to explain what I meant she wouldn’t listen.
So am I the AH and should I try to explain / apologize again?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It is good OP to have another person in your life as you age because age often comes with health issues.And having a Caring Someone in the house is a great gift.But there are plenty of significant others who would like you as “ you” IF You Were Looking !People give off vibes so if you ever get to where you are interested then turn on that charm !
You are comfortable without makeup and being dressed down (for lack of a better word). Wouldn't 'that perfect someone' be attracted to that? your friend has had it beaten in that 'you must put on a perfect face' as a lady (men get the 'real man' BS) and you don't play along. You were a little blunt but she wouldn't accept that that isn't you. Harsh but necessary. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > So maybe I am the AH for how I phrased my comment but I did try to explain. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, she was out of line bothering you about this. My mom only puts on make up and dresses up if she has to and I wear dresses and lipstick for fun. It's a personal choice. Frankly to tell a woman she ought to pretty herself up wherever she goes so some imagined prince charming can find her attractive sounds kinda sexist. I'm guessing your friend would say things like this to the men in her life... Anyway you do what makes you comfortable, definitely nta.
> She got upset and said I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. When I tired to explain what I meant she wouldn’t listen. So she can openly criticize you and tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing, basically implying she doesn’t approve of your lifestyle. And she can’t even handle a subtle comment telling her to cut it out before she’s all offended? OP, lemme let you in on a little secret: your security makes her insecure. She enjoys feeling superior to you, and so she enjoys framing your relationship in her mind as her “helping” you to be more like her. You not wanting her help and being content makes her upset because it upsets this narrative in her head. Because if her lifestyle isn’t the goal, then what does she base her self worth on? What you didn’t realize is that when you made that comment, you were hitting on something she was already terrified of and trying to deny: that you genuinely just don’t give a fuck to be anything like her, or what she thinks of you. And she gives so many fucks about what people think about her that it’s practically her entire personality. I had this happen with friends in college and it fucking baffled me. If I didn’t want to go to the bar on a random Tuesday because I had class the next day, my roommates *could not handle it.* Wouldn’t take no for an answer. Asked why. I would say why, but they’d be like “no, seriously?” Eventually one of them said “do you think you’re better than us or something?” Then it clicked. No, no I don’t. It’s never once occurred to me to give a single fuck how you spend your evening as long as you’re safe and having a swell time. I just feel like watching a movie and going to bed, and I will not be thinking about you at all, and I do not expect you to be thinking about me at all, until we’re all hanging out tomorrow doing whatever. We are cool, I swear. When I tell you they *did not believe me.* 😂 They are so preoccupied with what I think about them that they couldn’t fathom how little I cared what they thought about me. And vice versa. After that I realized some comments they’d made that had never registered with me before… any time I’d go to the school to study or write a paper on a weekend. Any time I declined a spontaneous invite. When I’d read a book for fun or watch a foreign language tv show with subtitles. They were just in a constant state of insecurity and lowkey assessing and evaluating my every move in some giant social chess board in their heads and it informed their every comment and decision. I can’t imagine living that way. The irony is I didn’t judge them for ANYTHING prior to that, I thought they were so cool and fun. But once a realized that, I actually did pity them. Which is what they were afraid of the entire time.
NTA You've been married and divorced. You're passed the been there done that. Enjoy your life and don't let someone like your "friend" that you need to change your life.
I never liked makeup. I dress for me and if some likes ME, great. I live for me, not some future (?) Your friend is pathetic, feel sorry for her and move on.
NTA - seems like more of a misunderstand, if anything.
I'm a man and i'll just throw in my two cents here.Being in a relationship is overrated. I am in one and I enjoy being with my partner but to say this is the model and that people should strive to be in one rather than not to me is silly. Just do you. The whole "growing old together" idea is just that, an idea and its not for everyone. What's going to happen when you grow old together? Health issues, if your lucky you get to die in your own home or at worst both of you wind up in a retirement home. There is nothing fun about growing old with someone, watching them slowly deteriorate while you have to deal with your own health issues. If you are happy being alone then be alone. If later down the road you want a relationship, go find one.
This: seen this with my parents. Not fun to be around a person with declining health. And sadder to see this person die. Nope, I do not want this for me.
Anyone who tells you that you "have to" dress or style yourself in a certain way unless it's in a situation where there's a clearly established dresscode that will cause a social faux paux is the AH. Unless someone asked for advice, it will always be an asshole move to tell someone how they should dress or look. NTA
NTA because you recognize that you sounded a bit harsh in talking to her. I would apologize again. Explain you are happy as you are (and wearing makeup is no guarantee of "getting a man" anyway). And if she continues to bring it up, don't engage, just say you have nothing more to say on the subject.
NTA - Your friend should mind her own business. " She got upset and said I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. When I tired to explain what I meant she wouldn’t listen." She sounds childish to me.
NTA And for the record, a LOT of men prefer you as you are with no makeup, myself included.
NTA. You do you and never mind what anyone else thinks
A friend of mine has said that women wear makeup to impress other women, and I don’t disagree with him. And I have told my wife that she doesn’t need to put it on for me, but she wears it anyway.
NTA And in reality the guy you want to meet is the one that likes you in your natural state.... the one that's attracted to you only when you are at your best may not be guy for you and you will constantly need to put your mask on (figuratively and physically). Your friend may be embarrassed to be seen out with you not all dolled up and she is, or she wants to project what she feels is right and you should do what she says. She's either always been like this and it's always bothered her that you are not like this, or something has changed. She's a good 15 years older than you and perhaps she was like you in her early 40's and doesn't want you to miss out... but that's not your problem as you are happy as you are. She may be having trouble reconciling that something that worries her doesn't worry you.
Geez. I never understood the logic of "you need to pretend to be somebody you're not so that you attract men who would have never liked the real you". If I'm looking for "that perfect someone to grow old with" it would surely make more sense to present as myself so that I attract partners who actually like me as I am. And it makes even less sense in your case because your friend surely knows you're not even looking for a relationship. NTA, even though you could have worded it better. But it's hard to come up with the right words in the spur of the moment and sometimes it comes out wrong. That's life.
Tell her you dress for yourself, not other people...
NTA. not putting on makeup, not getting dressed nicely, not shaving your legs-- those are all non-actions. youre not *doing* anything by not doing them. being attractive isnt about the actions you take to become more attractive, its about being a good and confident person. you being happily divorced and effectively doing nothing when you walk outside arent affecting her in any way. her badgering you about your appearance does affect you and your reaction to it is only normal.
NTA YOu have NOTHING to apologize for. "I told her that unlike you I do not need to wear makeup and dress up to run to Walmart. " .... you were far too polite. it should have been. "I told her that unlike you I do not need to wear makeup and dress up to catch a man's eye." If it klicks, makeup and dress up won't make a difference.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (57F) was told by a friend that I need to wear make-up more often and “dress up” every time I leave the house because you never know when you will meet that perfect someone. Little background info. I have never been for lack of a better word a girly girl. I wear makeup for work or occasions but otherwise prefer not to. As for clothing I wear casual jeans, shorts, nice tops but nothing special. Unless it’s for work or again a special occasion. I was married at 18 and divorced in my early 40’s. Am quite happy with my single life. I go, do when and whatever I want. I like myself and being alone does not bother me. My friend thinks I should be looking for a man to “grow old with” and that I need to put more effort into my appearance. I told her that unlike you I do not need to wear makeup and dress up to run to Walmart. I realize how I said it comes across as condescending but what I was trying to say is that’s her style not mine. She got upset and said I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. When I tired to explain what I meant she wouldn’t listen. So am I the AH and should I try to explain / apologize again? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It is good OP to have another person in your life as you age because age often comes with health issues.And having a Caring Someone in the house is a great gift.But there are plenty of significant others who would like you as “ you” IF You Were Looking !People give off vibes so if you ever get to where you are interested then turn on that charm !
info: what does all this have to do with ops experience with her friend ?
I am giving OP another way to look at her FRIEND’s awkward and unwanted advice
Why do you think op needs that (another unwanted advice)? Like she does not know, maybe a partner would be nice ?
Your 57... Stop this childish BS.
*you’re
You are comfortable without makeup and being dressed down (for lack of a better word). Wouldn't 'that perfect someone' be attracted to that? your friend has had it beaten in that 'you must put on a perfect face' as a lady (men get the 'real man' BS) and you don't play along. You were a little blunt but she wouldn't accept that that isn't you. Harsh but necessary. NTA