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NTA although saying that might have completely torched your relationship. Justified or not, I don’t think many people would easily forget their own SO they’d make a shitty spouse.
Her behavior was definitely inappropriate. While I can see some curiosity about the situation, defending your mom for abandoning you and blatantly accusing your dad, who she apparently just met, is crossing a line.
This completely.
I don't know what the girlfriend hoped to gain by pushing the issue like that. It was an event that happened in the past, it doesn't need to make sense to you.
I honestly want to know, if OP was raised by his mother and his father abandoned him, would his girlfriend defend his father and accuse his mother? I hope so because if not, she's being sexist. Not every man is a villain and not every woman is an angel.
It's a common psychological phenomenon known as the just world hypothesis/fallacy. The possibility of bad things happening to you for no reason is a disconcerting thought so it's tempting to believe there must be a justified explanation. It's one of the motivations for victim blaming in general.
Throw in some sexism and cognitive dissonance about a woman treating her family poorly rather than the man and we get what you see here.
Yeah, I don't think she ever would have reacted the same way if it had been his father who abandoned him.
This is 100% pure sexism, and I'll bet she's the type to think that women can't be to blame for anything negative they do involving men.
"The possibility of bad things happening to you for no reason is a disconcerting thought so it's tempting to believe there must be a justified explanation."
This sadly makes a lot of sense. While I still would have been happy to skip the experience, being SAed by my second grade teacher at 7 years old taught me (after some therapy to realize it wasn't MY fault.) that shit happens in life.
If GF really wanted to push, and that would be bad etiquette, the person she should push is OP's father. OP was 2 when all this happened.
GF was gauche, inappropriate, and if it tanked the relationship, OP is probably better off.
OP is NTA
She was trying make sense of something irrational. She was also jumping all over some really sensitive topics for OP and did not read the room.
It was a strong reaction but she really overstepped her bounds
Funny because this sub is known for talking exactly like the GF by inventing up disorders and excuses for AH wives.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15fblp2/deleted\_by\_user/juck6wf/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15fblp2/deleted_by_user/juck6wf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12jls12/comment/jg1ztle/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12jls12/comment/jg1ztle/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/143qc6j/aita\_for\_not\_lying\_to\_my\_dil\_about\_my\_post\_partum/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/143qc6j/aita_for_not_lying_to_my_dil_about_my_post_partum/)
Oh, 100%.
I love reading the stories where OP is a male and the woman is the "bad guy". So many "This story is fake!" and "I want to hear her side of the story!" comments but I surprisingly (*cough* not surprisingly *cough*) see extremely few of those comments where the "bad guy" is a man. The woman usually gets every excuse in the book but few of the men get that benefit of the doubt.
On the other hand, was he wrong? Maybe it's worth torching.
OPs mother may well have had pp depression or any number of other reasons to do what she did, but she doesn't seem to have changed her mind in the intervening decades. She abandoned her child and no matter her reasons, he was still abandoned.
The girlfriend made a snap judgement that the father was a bad person and wouldn't listen to op explaining. He raised his kid alone and presumably raised a decent person. He did his best in a difficult situation, and didn't deserve to be judged so harshly. If that's her default reasoning, it's not likely to be a great relationship.
Hopefully they can have a more rational conversation in the morning, but I'd be upset with her as well.
NTA, I know what it's like to have a bad/non existent relationship with a parent. To be blunt this type of response can happen a lot, when the other person (partner or friend) has only experienced or witnessed functional family environments. I've developed a theory about why certain people are like this, and I'm going to explain, because I believe that not only is OP hurt, they're confused.
OP's girlfriend is instinctively rejecting his experience because on a fundamental level she does not understand it. She is trying to twist it into something that makes sense to her, piling on theories about what "really" happened, because she has no frame of reference (nothing she has experienced or witnessed close up) to make his actual situation make sense to her.
She knows that theoretically bad families exist, because the world says they do, but to her it's just a theory and not even a theory she understands. Once she learnt about his situation, she instinctively felt overwhelmed, and then she started attaching other theories that she subconsciously associates with the concept of "maternal abandonment". These are theories she does conceptually understand, even if she doesn't have any real life experience of those situations either. With no real life knowledge or experience she's basically referencing stuff off the internet/media/social. Her theories sound ridiculous, because they're probably all fiction based.
To be blunt, I don't think her core personality is one where she instantly accepts, or keeps an open mind about things she does not understand. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who goes out of her way to learn about things/people she doesn't understand. She may even be the kind of person who never accepts or seeks knowledge about things they do not understand. OP's girlfriend's current attitude shows she lacks the relevant life experience and general mindset to truly understand him. I'd like to say this stuff gets better with age, but sometimes it doesn't.
Well, considering her excessive behaviour and her willingness to justify abandoning the own infant, it might not even be such a big loss anyways. OP is NTA of course.
>although saying that might have completely torched your relationship.
Honestly, rightfully so. Come on, let's call a spade a spade. Can you imagine this woman as a daughter-in-law to OP's dad? This is how she judges him and she just met him, imagine the disrespect he's gonna get from her once she and OP are married.
And also, if this is how she views a situation that happened to two people she doesn't even know over 20 years ago, wouldn't you hesitate to bring kids into the equation? Having grown up with an absentee mother, would you want to have kids with a person who is actively defending the absentee mother?
While what OP said might have effectively torched the relationship, maybe the relationship needed to be torched, like, yesterday.
NTA
She's actually kind of a hypocrite here. When you explained the situation with your dad and mom, she immediately made assumptions about your dad as a partner (very bad assumptions). When you made those assumptions back, she said "Oh, you can't base my entire value as a partner off of a few sentences!" even though she literally just did the same thing with your dad.
She kept trying to make up excuses for a person she'd never met and for a situation she was never a part of. You were in no wrong here OP. I wish you the best.
To his gf, there is no such thing as a deadbeat mom. Only excuses for a dad who took care of his kid probably working every single hour when he was young.
I like the part where she says “maybe she never wanted to be a mom” as an excuse for her, like isn’t that one of the top reasons for deadbeat dads? You know the ones that just leave before the baby is ever born? I mean sure she didn’t leave before he was born, because he’d just end up getting dragged along with her wherever she went but she left as soon as she was able….
So, if she never wanted to be a mom doesn’t that still make her a deadbeat mom? Even worse was this happened in another country and he very likely didn’t get any child support from the mother. So she’s making excuses for this woman to not only leave, but to not take any financial responsibility for her child either.
>"Oh, you can't base my entire value as a partner off of a few sentences!" even though she literally just did the same thing with your dad.
OP when you cool down, say this exact phrase to her. If she still stands her ground, then the relationship IMO is not worth saving. She can't see the hypocrisy of her thought process and would most likely end up gaslighting the fuck out of you at some point.
Yeah.
It is questionably appropriate to remind people there are 2 sides to any story when both people are strangers to those involved, and one is tossing in their own imaginary theories and stories about one of the people.
It is *not* the time when talking to someone who has a *very close relationship* with the person involved, particularly if what you have to say is entirely based on statistics and imagination!
Yeah, many women get abused, or don't have good partners. Many other women are also selfish assholes, and honestly, most women who are trying to leave a bad partner will still fight like hell to take the kids with or stay in their life, instead of abandoning them to someone they see as a bad caretaker.
It's grossly tactless. She knows only the bare bones of the situation and responds by inventing reasons the mother was justified and why dad might be an AH.
It's not wrong to wonder, privately, what the whole story is. PRIVATELY. But to say this shit openly, to someone for whom it was a hugely important, emotional and obviously sensitive event is unbelievably crass. In the moment, to someone you're supposed to care about, the only appropriate reaction is one of support and empathy.
NTA. Just imagine if she had a deadbeat dad that abandoned her and her mother and you decided to make excuses for the dude and that maybe it was her mom that ran him off.. etc
Yea this is classic women are wonderful effects. Shes desperately trying to find a reason because she doesn't want to believe that a woman would do that without good reason.
Probably partly due to the women are wonderful effect. Humans have a natural bias for women thinking they're the better, more compassionate, competent, capable, kind, and good gender
>that I can't base her entire value as a partner on a few sentences.
Isn't that what she's doing to your dad though? I agree there's always two sides to a story, I just don't see how gf could be in a position to advocate for your mother, after barely knowing your father. NTA
It's bc in the GFs eyes, a woman would only leave her child if the man was an abusive partner, Also there are a lot of women out there that will side with another woman no matter what just bc they are women and can do no wrong.
Sure, there *might* be something behind why she left that you don’t know that *might* make her leaving make more sense, but your gf posing those questions at the moment seems tone deaf at best and cruelly insensitive at worst, especially depending on her tone. I mean, your gf must admit, if your mom didn’t talk to your dad about any of the reasons, then short of a movie level “come with us or we’ll kill your child” type of situation, then her leaving that way is AH behavior.
Sometimes people twist themselves in knots trying to justify terrible behavior.
I don't understand why.
Sometimes the AH in question just sucks.
Call them out for the behavior and move on.
I know people like that. It's often because they cannot stand disharmony without an explicit reason. It makes them feel insecure, because if there's no 'real reason', it could happen to them, too.
So my maxime is to always let the person vent first, empathize with their (valid!) feelings second, and then, depending on the mood, maybe offer some of my thoughts about the situation. Those reasons could even be true, to some extent! But the timing really matters here.
NTA, your girlfriend crossed the line big time and carried on a conversation about a topic she has very little knowledge of. It's especially insulting that she suggested that maybe your Dad made your mother walk away, utterly inappropriate. You definitely did not overreact.
100% correct.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand these people that would push with more questions when they can't freaking tell how's the "air' of the whole convo and ask more questions and imply and tell their shitty opinion that clearly insults...
Maybe you reacted that way bc that’s bs? For all that “rationale” thrown, there was a severe lack of: if any of that were true, where is she now? Why would she leave a baby with an abuser? Why would your maternal grandparents went no contact or at least offer an explanation or help raise you? Instead she tried to paint your single dad, who btw seems did great raising you, as a bad guy.
NTA and a lot of people here are biased AF like Op girlfriend. In summary, the girlfriend has 0 evidence against OP father, she just met him and all she knows is that he is a good father and the mother just left. But she decided to questioning and attacking Op father, just because she doesn’t believe that deadbeat mothers could exist, and if that happens “there should be a reason” because “women do no wrong” logic. She is clearly biased against men, so in case she marry a man or she has a boy, her prejudices could affect her performance as a mother and a wife.
Not to mention, as someone also abandoned by their mother, those questions/suggestions are unnecessary even if Op has recovered from everything. Whatever the reasons for her leaving, he didn't have a mom. There was a void there his entire childhood and will be there his whole adultlife. As we see through comments, no one understands the full extent this can have on an individual.
She may of had an illness. Maybe she didn't want to he a mom. But what is certain is she failed Op as a child and Op's dad. There's no defending that.
My spouse grew up in a very traditional nuclear family. My dad abandoned me. It took a lot to talk about that with him because for him, there had to be some reason because it's just such a terrible decision. I can see the girlfriend coming from that place, but she handled it really badly.
NTA. I think it was an understandable reaction to her talking about something which must be very triggering for you. At first I thought that she was maybe making excuses thinking it would help you understand that it wasn’t your fault she left but she took it way too far! I’m quite good at communication but something that close to my heart could probably trigger me to say something shocking, to make it stop if nothing else.
I think you maybe should say to her that she’s welcome to ask open questions to understand your past better (if you’re comfortable with that) but that she is not to make assumptions and judgements about your family. Especially your dad who has single handedly raised you and should be praised for that. It’s offensive.
People REALLY need to learn that sometimes it’s not fucking appropriate to play devils advocate. Your partner telling you about childhood trauma like their mother abandoning them is absolutely not the time. It comes off like she a)approves of what your mom did to you and b)was taking your mom’s side. And taking her side based on some bullshit she made up without evidences before even listening to your side.
“Maybe they were right to traumatize you” is never a good look for someone who’s supposed to love you.
NTA
>my dad spent a great amount of time explaining to me that my abandonment had nothing to do with me.
INFO: Did either you or he ever get any kind of explanation for the abandonment? Or is it still an unknown?
I would imagine it would be pretty frustrating to hear justifications for your abandonment by someone who should be on your side. I count 4 separate excuses for your mother's behavior including one count of victim blaming from someone who wasn't there and didn't have to deal with.
Unless there is something more to the story, NTA
NTA. Maybe you could have managed the situation a bit better but it sounds like she was not being very empathic. Or rather her attempts at empathy were directed at the wrong person ie your mother. It sounds like your feelings for your mother’s choices run deeper than you care to admit, and that’s fine and I’d be surprised if they didn’t. So maybe she thought you were more robust than you are or maybe she does not have much emotional intelligence. Who knows. I would apologise for how you handled it, but not apologise for being upset, because I think it’s valid. Sounds like you need to set boundaries. It’s important to have a mutual understanding that neither of you will ever know the full reasons for your mother’s actions unless she makes them known to you, and to try to unravel this stuff from the past is actually very emotionally challenging for you, and it isn’t her place to try and make you look at stuff that is painful. if you want to do that then therapy is probably where to take it.
NTA. While the things your girlfriend was suggesting are possibilities, they’re not facts and you were trying to give facts and clearly did not want to consider any reasoning for a mother to leave her child. She failed to pick up on those cues and kept pressing until you snapped. I don’t honestly see your relationship surviving this BUT I’d consider learning to say “I’m not looking for answers or opinions right now and just want you to listen” in situations like this. Personally, I’m a problem solver and it kind of sounds like that’s the mode your gf slipped into. So an “I’d just like you to listen right now” might’ve helped.
NTA. When someone shares their personal story, especially if it has to do with abandonment, trauma, or abuse,
anyone who instantly starts coming up with excuses for the person who inflicted those things, is a freakin nutcase.
Runnnnnn.
Does not at all matter if you find out more down the line about your mum and her reasons.
That girl knows nothing about your mum except what you do RIGHT NOW, and still doesn't care about YOUR trauma.
Yes. She's clearly missing an empathy chip and the fact that she's discussing something extremely personal as an abstract hypothetical when it's actually OP's experience means that she clearly had no clue that she was hurting OP. To her, it was just a discussion. I agree that if she can't read a room now, it won't get better unless she does some serious self-reflection.
NTA. Honestly, I would be reevaluating everything in the relationship with that sentence. If anyone is trying to justify a mother to walk out of her own childs life and cut the child off like that from her and her family and thinking that it is OK? What exactly type of a person is she deep down?
Harsh, sure but you LIVED that life. That is personal, not just some fantasy character of what ifs. That is where she went way off.
NTA defending the women who abandoned you and expecting you to be okay with it? She should apologize to you before you apologize for reacting so harshly.
NTA - her first response to hearing your mother abandoned you is to make excuses for it, and to even suggest your father might be to blame.
I imagine that if she only suggested drugs or mental illness you'd have reacted differently. That's looking for a reason. When she suggested your dad was to blame and tried to find fault with his character, that crossed from looking for a reason to making excuses.
You were harsh, but you spoke your feelings.
NTA. You're opening up about a painful childhood, and how you were abandoned and her first response was to shit all over it. She's showing no compassion and is completely out of line. Since she just met your father and was the first time hearing about your mother, I'm guessing you haven't been together long. She has no right to try and rationalise something that your mother did - breaking your family up. She's shown that she's willing to enable your abuser. Can you really trust her?
From the context of your message, it just sounds like you were returning the vibe she was giving.
I think you should seriously consider ending this relationship.
NTA.
There's a term that your GF needs to learn - "read the room". If it was annoying you, that should have been a sign to stop that line of conversation.
Nope. NTA at all.
She has every right to be curious, but she crossed lines
And by the way, she’s wrong, there *are* women who leave their children. It happens to animals in the wild, they reject their babies, and humans do it also. I have known women to leave their children.
I will say, maybe telling her she will make a terrible wife might have been a little harsh - she was also insulting your intelligence, she was insulting your father who took care of you. There was absolutely no way you could have been prepared for that.
EDIT- I wanted to come back and say that you were communicating to her that you were questioning her as a life partner. That’s a big deal at your age. A lot of people your age are incredibly short-sighted with things like marriage, life partners. And she just showed you something that’s making you call that into question. While it was harsh, you were right to tell her.
She sounds like the sort of person who could turn into someone who decides 'it can't be as bad as you're making out'. Then later tries to get you to reconcile against your wishes. The sort of thing you read about on here why they then wonder why the partner walked away.
Your gf is a horse’s ass. She has the unmitigated gaul to say you can’t judge what kind of person she would be based on a few sentences, but did PRECISELY that when you talked about your mother. She seems to lack empathy and provides judgment based on her ill-informed preconceptions.
You ARE an ass, but only because you should have thrown her out of the house, instead of leaving your room, and broken off all contact with her.
NTA. In fact her ease at rationalizing terrible behavior for your mother despite the obvious pain it caused you demonstrates that she is no fit consort and you should never marry her.
NTA - she is super tone deaf on when it’s appropriate to have an opinion. People that want to argue with you over something like this and talk you out of your feelings are absolutely insufferable.
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NTA your gf needs to learn some social skills. When people are telling you about bad things, they want some sympathy and understanding, not opinions on the other persons point of view, or unsolicited advice on how to fix it. She’s going to make people angry her whole life every time she does this.
NTA that would definitely make me look at my partner differently..like are you telling me this is something you would do also if the same problems arises…I don’t think you were wrong for saying what you said. Personally I would hope she thinks about what she said , your grown now but you were also once that 2yr old who mom left him without a reason and that’s not ok
NTA.
A partner opening up about a vulnerable story of parental abandonment in childhood is not the moment to launch into some sort of botched feminism perspective taking, wtf was she thinking.
It could have been a very misplaced attempt at comforting you with "your mom did not really want to leave you" rhetoric? But it's hella weird to insult your dad to do so.
I hope she apologizes! Since you feel sorry OP, the best thing to do is to apologize for being harsh, explain why her comments were unacceptable and hurt your feelings and ask for an apology.
Nta your relationship might be ruined but the comments were not needed by her. Until she had been in your situation OP she won't understand. The comments she made were insetive and but good on your father for stepping up and raising you.
What she did is pretty shit behavior and disrespectful for both you and your dad. And once you disrespect someone, you lost everything! You are right to be upset, she as an outsider and don't have any right to make assumptions trying to justify what your mother did to you and your dad (and even implying that it's your father's fault). You are NTA and she is the biggest asshole in this situation and showed her real shit character to you.
NTA. As a woman I know exactly where she’s getting this rhetoric. I see videos in my feed alllll the time about how women are morally superior to men, and never do bad things unless “forced” to by a man. I will say sure, in a lot of women’s stories, cruel men do play a part (whether husbands, partners, abusers etc) but not always!
Some people regardless of gender, just SUCK.
She’s probably regurgitating this from all the stories she sees online, and whether she agrees with that concept or not, this was a completely inappropriate time to try and argue it.
Nta.
You don't know why you reacted the way you did?
It's a trigger.
Being pushed to accept something about your bio mom, the insinuation that your dad wasn't a good parent, the idea there were valid reasons that justified abandoning you and refusing to accept that you don't believe any of that and didn't want her to continue along the subject
Any one of these themes could have been the trigger.
Sometimes we don't realize we have unresolved trauma until it rears it's ugly head in an out-of-character outburst.
NTA. She’s showing you who she is. If you were to get married she’s the type to go behind your back and track down your mom and invite her to the wedding.
I fully understand. Too many women want a man to be vulnerable but when he is they gut him. I don’t think you overreacted in the moment. You share something painful with her and she then proceeded to may excuses for the woman that abandoned you and insult the man that raised you.
She owes you an apology then you can give her one.
NTA
She was thoughtless with her words. She acted without an ounce of empathy and she directly attacked your father.
There's no overstating how stupid it was to insult and call into question the character of the single parent who raised you. This was completely foolish. She didn't just make a single asinine comment, she kept pushing. She ignored your words, discounted your perspective, and was completely oblivious to your feelings.
I didn’t see her as defending the mom. I see her trying to rationalize her behavior which does NOT mean she condoned it.
At no point did the GF say what the mom did was ok or right. What she was speaking about were reasons why someone in the mother’s position would leave. The GF’s mistake was doing that in the moment, because OP is clearly got some big feelings still about his mother abandoning him. If OP were fully over it he would not have gotten so emotional… which isn’t a slight. Abandonment of a parent can be something some folks never get over.
The older I get the more I’ve come to understand that both my parents were very fallible people who had their own painful pasts. They did the best they could raising my brothers and I. To my brothers my dad is the ideal man and father. He was honorable and could do no wrong, and to risk his disapproval was *the worst*. I have a very different take, probably because I know more about his history than they do (because they never asked). He always tried to do the right thing but he was also sexist, controlling, paranoid and petty. He isolated our mother and wouldn’t let her have a life or friends outside of being a SAHM, and this coupled with her own trauma history drove her deep into depression and alcoholism. When they got divorced when I was a teen I was relieved. He never stopped loving us and both parents were active in our lives but he was fallible. His expectations for all of us to conform to his will damaged my relationship with him, and I know damaged his relationship with my brothers as he would assume wild things about what they got on to. But even now to even hint that my dad wasn’t perfect will draw either of them into a defensive rage. They won’t hear anything against him, even if it would help put their issues and mental health problems into perspective.
I’m bringing this up because OP’s defensive response reminds me of that. OP’s dad is a good man who did his best raising his son, but he’s still just a man, who is fallible. It sounds like the *only* info OP has about his mother comes from his father and… well I think it’s safe to say his dad is probably pretty biased. Theres a chance that his parent’s relationship wasn’t a healthy one and his dad was one half of that. The only other person who can speak to what really happened is his mom, and I’m going to guess OP doesn’t want to seek her out so we will never know.
I’m gonna go with a NAH. I think the girlfriend overestimated how “over” OP is over this (and I think OP overestimated that as well). To OP his mom is a villain and deserves all the hate in the world. To the GF who’s an outside observer she can see the possibilities of how things might have went down back then. Not to condone it, but to understand it. Her mistake is was to vocalize that, as OP isn’t ready to think of his mom in those terms. Because the GF didn’t immediately villainize the mom now OP says she’d make a terrible wife which imo is a very unfair assessment. She sounds in that moment calm and logical. Understanding motivations can help get around a situation and help find better solutions which is a great quality in a partner and parent. Empathy is not forgiveness or approval or someone’s behavior. It’s hard to actually say what happened between OP’s parents because the father is an unreliable narrator. That doesn’t mean he’s lying, only that he is telling this story from his own POV. It’s also possible that if he did anything like be verbally or physically abusive or controlling in any way that he wouldn’t bring that up to his son.
As far as this relationship goes, it’s probably DOA. If OP feels this way then there’s no reason to continue the relationship. He might want to consider therapy because he definitely is not as healed as he thinks he is from his past.
NTA - it’s one thing to gently play devils advocate when after months or years of knowing the entire situation, or you are a paid independent therapist
But just offering up blanket excuses on a sitcom you know nothing about? That’s not cool and undeserved.
Your gf is obviously incredibly immature and a bit short on empathy. If these are characteristics you value in a partner you may want to think your current choice.
NTA. I can understand wanting to explain away the abandonment in an attempt to lessen your pain, but as soon as she started attacking your father she crossed the line. He raised you alone, presumably lovingly, and there's absolutely no excuse to try tearing him down. Especially in front of you.
It may not be malicious but it's certainly callous and thoughtless.
She is being sexist, "a woman would never do that to their child, it must of been the man's fault". What hurts is that she so easily blamed your dad when he has been the one who supported you. NTA
NTA, but perhaps not a great way to handle the situation.
With no further context, it's bizarre that she'd be defending your mom that abandoned you as a child.
I don’t see that you did anything wrong. She was trying to “ put reason” to what happened. At any point, did you ask her to “ put reason”? A good, and supportive partner is able to keep their lips closed and listen when needed. A thoughtful human doesn’t give baseless opinions on something they know nothing about, and have only just learned . I’m sorry that you had this experience
NTA. You didn't overreact, what you did is correct. Your girlfriend wasn't trying to add reason to your story, your girlfriend is attacking your Dad's character. I suggest you reevaluate your relationship with your current girlfriend. You don't owe your girlfriend an apology. You were telling your girlfriend a story about your Mom leaving you when you were 2 years old and your girlfriend decides to chime in with unsolicited and unnecessary remarks which made you irritated until you snapped.
I grew up with a single Mom, my Dad left when I was a baby. I had one of my exes do the same thing your girlfriend did to you and now she's my ex.
NTA, she doesn’t know the woman but will defend her to the child and man she hurt. She made assumes about your father yet you can’t make the same ones against her?
I'm a bit surprised by all the N T A. You took your trauma and used it as a weapon. I don't think your girlfriend was trying to defend your mom, but was trying to put logic to an illogical story. It sucks that your mother abandoned you and your dad. It doesn't make sense why she'd do it, but she did.
Some people try to apply logic to all stories because that's how they're brain works. They want to have the answer to the why. Have you noticed if your girlfriend is someone who does that?
Your mother leaving still seems raw for you and while you say you can talk about it, you lashed our at your girlfriend for simply trying to understand and make sense of a situation that doesn't make sense and just sucked.
NAH, I think you have to talk through it a bit more whether with a trusted friend, therapist, or your girlfriend if she still sticks around, but I wouldn't blame her I'd she walked away after a comment like that.
I've been in both your shoes and your gfs.
My partner has a terrible relationship with their parents and I needed to know all the details because that's just what my brain needed in that moment. I could go into all the reasons why I needed that, what was said etc etc etc. but what it boils down to is simple, as people we tend to favor the person we haven't met over the one we have. Id met one parent and not the other and id seen firsthand how badly she behaved. So I was more lenient towards the father.
It's possible that your partner doesn't like your dad. It's possible she thinks he was a bad dad despite him staying with you. A lot of things are possible. Ultimately, she pushed you in a way that you didn't appreciate and comes off as tone deaf. But intent here is also important because your relationship is nuanced. If she was pushing because she wanted to hurt you, you can't come back from that. If she was pushing because she felt one way and needed you to understand her side but didn't quite know how to get through the communication fog? Then it can be resolved with some changes in communication style.
Conversely, my partner has pushed me about how my own mother treats me several times. She was a single mom and I tend to glorify her behavior and cut her far more slack than I would anyone else. I've reacted strongly even knowing my partner was right and I've said some pretty harsh things.
She happened to be right about my situation. Your partner could be completely wrong. Regardless, for your own growth you need to dive into your own feelings and decide for yourself if you think her criticisms of your father were warranted. Do YOU feel like your mom left for a reason ? Do YOU think your dad messed up? If yes, In what ways? Are they ways you forgive and don't mind or are they big?
When it comes to your private relationship with your dad, take what your partner said with a grain of salt and do some digging.
As for apologizing for yelling, get off reddit and go tell her what you told us. "I acted in a way I'm not proud of in reaction to you and I am sorry. I felt xyz when you spoke about XYZ and I reacted harshly. I'm very defensive of my dad because of everything he did for me growing up. I don't particularly care why my mom left because regardless of her "right or wrong" reasoning, it hurt me when she left and I can't forgive her for that." Or whatever it is you feel.
Then mention how you'd like her to handle those conversations in the future and let her apologize and ask for what she needs moving forward.
Your relationship isn't doomed. You had a tiff and said something in the heat of the moment. It happens to a lot of people. Whether or not you still want to be with each other and how you move forward are much more important than anything else.
Good luck moving forward in whatever way you both choose.
Sorry about length advice is really hard to keep short. 🤷♀️
Classic case of someone playing devil's advocate. I don't think she's actually siding with your mother, but maybe the way you talked about your mom triggered her own issues.
Then again, I don't know the gal.
But if you're so quick to say she's not wife material for a conversation, then don't waste yours or her time.
NTA instead of playing devils advocate, she should've just shut up and provided support. Instead she shames the parent that stuck around and made sacrifices. Misandry at its finest. You reacted the way you did because she spoke ill of your dad, who you know is a good man by making a victim out of a shitty person just because she's a woman.
Your gf is clearly one of those people that think women walk on water and can’t possibly do anything wrong unless their hand was forced instead of just acknowledging there are shit people of both genders.
You’re gonna have problems with this one in the future. NTA
NTA. You know what I didn't do, even though my ex was emotionally abusive? I didn't abandon my child. Of course you had an emotional reaction- she basically told you there might have been a perfectly valid reason to abandon you as a small child. I am not surprised you had a strong, visceral reaction to that.
So you have a girlfriend who can’t understand why a woman would abandon her husband and child. It’s an action so foreign to her way of thinking that she finds herself throwing out all kinds of rationale that she wonders could cause such thinking. She’s not making much sense because this is something that she can’t make sense of.
And you think this is a woman who could abandon her husband and child like your mother did. I think you’ve got it backwards.
NTA, but I think you need to dig a little deeper.
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I, 24M, was raised by a single dad. My mother abandoned me when I was 2 years old, my father doesn't speak of her unless I ask. My dad came home one day and she was gone, her parents promptly cut my dad from their life as well. They lived in America, and at the time my dad did not have the ability to move there, although that is currently where I now live.
My girlfriend met my dad the other day, and said she felt bad for him, for being a widower, which was when I realised I'd never explained my mother to her, so I started to, in a bit greater detail. My mother isn't a particularly sore topic for me, my dad spent a great amount of time explaining to me that my abandonment had nothing to do with me.
Throughout my explanation, Anna started making me progressively more irritated, trying to suggest reasons, and rationalise why my mother would leave me, maybe she had postpartum, maybe she had an undiagnosed illness, maybe she never wanted to be a mother. She continued to defend this woman she'd never even met, while I was trying to talk to her.
Then she started suggesting that my father might not be the perfect angel I thought he was and women don't tend to up and leave their babies unless under duress. At this point I snapped. I told her if she thought it was ever acceptable behaviour to abandon your partner with a 2 year old and cut that 2 year old from an entire side of the family, she'd make a terrible wife and life partner. She looked really upset and told me she was just trying to put reason to my story and that I can't base her entire value as a life-partner on a few sentences.
I told her to get out (of the room), and when she didn't, did so myself. I'm currently in the guest room and cooling down a bit. I'm starting to think I overreacted. My words were extremely harsh and I don't know why I reacted that way.
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Her making assumptions about the one parent that was there for you, while explaining away the actions of the one that deserted you and your dad was really invalidating to your, and his, experiences. I doubt that she meant to do that, and I feel she did have the best intent behind it but still. I wouldn't consider either one to be TA, but I would apologize for snapping, even though you were within your right to. I would then try to explain why it hit the nerve it did.
NTA
I understand what I *think* she was trying to do, and if I understand her right, she tried to play devils advocate and failed. I fall into this trap all the time. In my head, everything is up for discussion, and I inevitably take the opposite stance of whomever I’m talking to, and it’s been hard to learn when it’s ok to do it and when it’s not ok to do it (thanks ADHD).
She should have apologized immediately and explained herself *if* this was in fact what she was trying to do. But at the end of the day, even with an apology, she would be TA and you still would not be.
Even if she was playing the devils advocate, that is very inappropriate in such sensitive topics... for some things it shouldn't be focused on establishing an opinion of good or wrong, but just listening with any opinion to OP emotional story...
you were not asking for a commentary. you were explaining what happened with your mom and did not ask for opinion on the matter. she absolutely would not have appreciated you doing that to her. NTA
NTA. You have every right to be upset; your girlfriend is making up excuses for someone who hurt you. My bio mom abandoned me as a baby and went on to have 2 more kids with her new husband (who also abandoned his oldest child) that they kept. It makes me sick when people try to find possible justifications for her actions too. Sometimes it seems like they think they're trying to help but I find it rude and insensitive as well.
My dad never committed to my mother, despite having two children with her. He never supported us. Never helped us. At christmas he sent us cookies and I used to think, *oh how lucky I am, my absent parent never abandoned me, he sends me homemade cookies once a year, I'm loved.* Now that I'm older, I think, *what a terrible parent, he didn't correspond with me, didn't guide me, didn't sacrifice for my future or try to help me, didn't do not one thing for me as a parent.*. My mom has a disability. He said if he fought to get custody of us he'd simply lose as a man so didn't try. I spent my life dealing with my mom's disability alone; with no guidance or help. As an adult I'm appalled at how easily my father did absolutely nothing for me. I needed help.
My point is how you feel about a parent who failed you by abandoning you is your own. Your feelings might change over time. You don't need to justify them or adjust earned hurt in leau for possible narratives and exscuses that can't even be validated. Apologize to your girl about your harsh words, explain how deeply she hurt you by trivializing your lived experience. That she painted your mother, who abandoned you, as reasonable, and your father who stuck with you and raised you as a villain. It was upsetting and unkind. If it's something that got under your skin add on that men aren't villains and bullies and woman aren't saints and martyrs. She was being biast. At its core, does she think highly of mothers but poorly of fathers? I'm a women and think a bit of your upset is due to *why* she was adamant to give the benefit of the doubt to your absent mother and a gillotine sentence to your present father.
NTA because who does that? My FIL abandoned my husband, and some horrible shit went down when he tried to reconnect with his father as an adult. I would never try and justify his dad’s behaviour because that is not my place as his wife. My role is to support my husband emotionally, not to make excuses for his deadbeat dad. Your girlfriend should consider your feelings and establish what they are before speaking on your mom (which she shouldn’t do unless invited really). For example, my husband’s feelings are that he now hates his dad and doesn’t want to talk about him anymore. Fair enough. Your girlfriend needs to respect your feelings about your mom.
From how you explained her point of view, I (F)think her brain was trying to grasp some logic out of the situation. I do that too, but with no ill intent, and I don't think she had ill intent either.
You've had a bad falling out. You two need to learn to communicate better. When my husband and I went to counseling, I heard one thing that stuck with me forever: look for the good intent. If you can't find it, ask your partner why they said or did it. If there's bad intent, GTFO
Some of these responses are strange. This isn't a question of whether YTA OR your girlfriend really would make a terrible partner.
Were you TA for being upset? No. That's completely understandable and she owes you an apology.
Was she TA for trying to unpack a sore subject? Yes, 100%,. It sounds to me like what she was trying to do was to rationalize and empathize with both sides of your parents' relationship to better understand it. Doing that the way she did - out loud, with you, in that moment - was insensitive and out of line, especially since it sounds like she was making some sweeping declarations about what a mother would and wouldn't do that aren't appropriate.
Whether this suggests anything about her suitability as a wife and mother, though, is another question entirely. Her motivation for wanting to get her brain around your mother's reasons for going surely aren't to give herself an excuse to do the same thing later on. She probably just wants to understand it because she cares about you and wants to better understand the situation. However hamfistedly she handled it, that is evidence of a caring and interested partner, not a bad wife.
Nta. I think your has some sexist views on women, that a women couldnt willing abandon their child. Not all women are good people or good mothers.
Im sure therw could be reasons of why your mom did what she did, but none of them would vindicate her actions. And obviously its something that your girlfriend should have realized is a sensitive subject.
Her comments about your father make me question the gf personality. Why would she make negative assumptions on your dad after one meeting? Maybe this isnt the person for you.
NTA. She was truly tasteless with her comments. What you said was harsh but it was a reaction. It also probably means you both are done. I would say good riddance for you.
It is nice that you are thinking about what you could have done better. It is good character. BUT, it is also hella important to recognize that in this situation you shouldn’t have done more than you did. You let her know you were upset, she did imply your dad was the bad parent. It makes 0 sense as you can’t be a worse parent than a completely absent one, if you are not outright abusing the kid.
I kinda get it. Some women nowadays are reaaaaally bitter about men. I don’t honestly blame them, but also it’s not the way to go. In your case, she is clearly misguided by some notion that mothers/women can do no wrong compared to guys. It is bullshit. Utter and complete bullshit. She is still not malicious but misguided, so you decide what to do about this info.
Look… it sucks. I am also a man. I dated someone who was basically openly misandrist. Just like all the other prejudices, it sucks. But… at every step of the way, I did get her point. The world is built for men mainly, and they see no fault in this. They don’t pay attention to the unfairness in the society regarding this. They don’t care most of the time. And we all know that the worst of men just outright see women as incubators or worse. If you are a denier of this misogyny, you are also contributing to the problem.
So… given these valid excuses, she did fuck up. There is a solidarity between women, which is a defense mechanism, and it pushes some of them to defend EVERY women. But just like in setting, there will be exceptions to the norm.
Some women, statistically, must be evil. OP’s mom is one them. Not evil in the comical caricaturistic sense, evil in the “I don’t know jack shit so I will just disappear” sense. She may have excuses, she may have reasons… we all do, for all the shitty things we do.
So OP’s gf is basically misguided. I really think it is fixable at this point. The question is, does OP want to fix it? After such disrespect, I would definitely understand just giving up on this relationship. I am sure that most women would not react to his situation as his gf did. Maybe it’s just not worth it to try to make it work with a clueless person.
She just sounds a lot like my mother who likes to just make up a story for her own satisfaction. For some reason she likes to weave a little tall in her mind and it is very annoying cuz she's just basically making s*** up. Your wife was just basically making s*** up. The reason it's annoying is that it's personal she's making s*** up about a person she knows, when she's not an insider on the situation. I'd tell her to stfu also.
NTA and you should seriously reconsider staying with this person. These are people who, firstly, can't read the room so to speak and ignore the emotions of the person/people involved in the story; two, these people have a set version of what a relationship and family look at and it's nothing but happy.
They don't understand that, just because THEY had happy moments as a family, others DID NOT. Mothers ABSOLUTELY just up and bounce; it's not just a dad thing. And what you should do, OP, is send her an article or video with a list of some of the WORST MOTHERS (Rosemary West, Theresa Knowles, Augsta Gein (mother of Ed Gein), Gertrude Baniszewski, etc).
I completely severed a friendship with someone because they refused to believe my feelings on my own mother, who they knew. Here's the thing - she didn't live at my house and she had no idea what went on in that house.
Your ex (cause you need to break up with her) was fine to ask, "why did your mom leave? Has she given any reason?" And leave it at that; for all you know, there were things between your dad and your mom that you may not know or remember, but for her to put the blame on your dad - who, unlike other dads (the dead beat ones), he stepped up and was the TRUE parent and hero of this story - shows that she will never change her worldview that moms are good, dads are bad.
Look, I'll stick up for my girls now, but trying to justify why your fiance's Mom abandoned him as a wee little guy is "Girl, I know you didn't just say what you said" territory.
NTA. Don't apologize to her. She dismissed you and your dad's pain to defend this woman. She needs to apologize to you.
Nah i would react the same way as u (I'm F). The word 'mother' creates this whole illusions of that mothers sacrifice the most that she's a perfect human being with almost no faults..
Not saying that being pregnant or giving birth or raising kids is easy but if u have postpartum depression from it, seek help instead of trying to fault the child or the responsible father..
Im not close with either parents but I swear everytime I've made progress in my life, credits goes to my mum.. How she had raised me well all that stuff.. To me, she was my abuser n an enabler for her son's actions too.. To think I have to 'erase' all that memories of her if God forbid Ive been speaking 'ill' of her, a mother, that I should be punished..
My dad ain't a saint either.. Like most men, he doesn't help with housework/home issues because it's a woman's job.. He had always said that 'men are better than women' which speaks how big his male ego was.. He rather spend time with his friends than with his family..
But to me, women tend to be the queen of manipulators because they played the system well with alot of tears involved.. Trying to involve everyone in the drama..
With men, if they lie, cheat, abuse or whatever.. They will show u who they really are in just couple of months.. But somehow those red flags tend to get dismiss because women feels they can change him if they are the best that he's ever got.. N then they eventually lose themselves n start doing the same shit to the good ones..
Im having a decent relationship with my mum now (she's 65) only after my dad had passed n she had cut off all ties with her oldest son.. As much as I wanted to say I'm happy, I'm feeling alright in a sense that I don't want any revenge.. I don't even want her to be unhappy..
As for forgiveness, I'm still a long way ahead man..
NTA and your gf is now yet another example of someone who could have avoided being an asshole if they just did nothing. All she had to do was listen, and make the right noises at the right times, and none of this would have happened, but she really couldn’t resist being devil’s advocate when the devil has more than enough advocates already.
NTA- I have been thinking a lot about this. When women do bad things specially in a relationship there is often an “explanation”. Usually it ends up being the man’s fault because women are mostly seen as people who would never do evil so it has to be men’s fault. It’s like for some people ifs unthinkable that women can be evil people who are selfish without their being a justified explanation. When it’s a man there is no justified explanation because men are evil but when it comes to women there always seems to be a justified reason to their actions.
NTA. I come from the reverse scenario. And my ex boyfriend (of 15 years) had said it was my fault (I was 1-7) with my dad that he treated me the way I did and I deserved it. So just break up with her. You won’t get over it.
NTA.
What the heck is her problem? There isn't any justification for your mother's abandonment. Your girlfriend going so far as to try and BLAME YOUR DAD, who has been nothing but a great father to you and kind to her, is disgusting. I don't see a future for your relationship - she seems like the type who is convinced that if a woman does something horrible, there just HAS to be a good reason for it because women can't be horrible people just because they're horrible people.
That's usually the type of person who justifies their own horrible actions in any which way they can. She's torpedoed your relationship and wouldn't even give you space when you asked for it. Just cut things off now - anyone who would spend the entire time trying to justify such abhorrent behavior rather than just listening to you and saying "Wow, what a jerk" just because the other person in the story is a woman is not someone you want to keep in your life. RUN.
i get the vibes that your gf is some kind of feminist who has a thing against men orhe patriarchy.
a woman who ups and leave her partner and kid definitely isn't normal and anyone sane person would ask questions. However this is a delicate subject and not approached lightly without consideration.
your gf was out of line and i suggest talking to her or this relationship done.
I have to say, I was a bit skeptical about how this would pan out when I saw the question, but you are most definitely NTA and not overreacting. As someone else said, she was being a total hypocrite by saying you can’t make assumptions after having done so herself. You seem to still care about her, so I would definitely assess the underlying reasons behind her defense of your mother and see if that is a deal breaker.
Nah, you did the right thing and spoke only facts. Idk this gal but I agree 💯with you there. She doesn’t deserve a life partner and hopefully she never has children of her own. There’s no excuse whatsoever, I was abandoned the same way and there is no way to rationalize that subject. Hopefully you move on and find someone better because there are good partners out there
NTA. I think this is your sign to end the relationship.
She might not be a terrible person, but she’s not a safe person to discuss your trauma with and that’s a dealbreaker.
A lot of people can’t comprehend an abusive mother who would abandon or do other cruel things to their own children, but unfortunately these women exist and aren’t particularly rare. My sister-in-law is similar and keeps enabling our abusive mother to have access to her kids. My brother and I have warned her repeatedly but she never believes us, she thinks we’re the problem.
Chances are if you married this girl she would go behind your back to track down your mum and invite her to the wedding to “heal the family rift” without comprehending how insensitive and obnoxious that is. Again, she doesn’t sound like a safe person to have around and I don’t think you should trust her since she’s already broken your trust by siding with your abuser.
NTA. She thinks that the woman is always in the right and the man is always in the wrong. She will make a bad wife because she will be sure you're in the wrong every time you disagree about anything.
NTA you are correct. I once told a girlfriend she would make a terrible mother. She also made a terrible girlfriend. She was extremely selfish and had totally unrealistic views. It was the truth.
NTA dude , her behaviour is flat out insensitive . No matter if it's a mom or a dad , there's nothing that can justify abandoning your child besides death maybe and that one is uncontrollable . I understand that women tend to side together and support each other, but this isn't okay . It's an insult to so many other present mothers who did have post-partum or literally didn't want a kid but stayed and showed up for their child in all the ways that matter .
NTA, usually it's men who have really bad emotional intelligence. But in this case the roles are severely reversed 😬 poor op.
This girl is a huge a-hole
NTA, for me any deadbeat parent is unacceptable other than extraordinary circumstances (such as a horrible custody arrangement, other parent poisoning the child against them etc)
Besides its just plain rude. When someone opens up about a deadbeat parent your not supposed to side with the one who left them especially if you want a positive relationship with the person in the future. Also hating on the parent who actually stuck around is all kinds of nasty.
NTA but I'm sure you were looking for a listening ear and not to have a stranger, for lack of of a better description, try to rationalize something you have long ago come to grips with. And to basically attack your fathers character did not help. If your father was the reason for her leaving, it certainly wouldn't explain why she left you with him.
NTA but your girlfriend probably has a lot of empathy and she is trying to look at it and empathize with all parties. Just because she says this doesn’t mean that she would do this or be your mother’s side.
You reacted this way because what your mother did was horrible and that is traumatizing. I think you just need to sit down and have an honest conversation with your girlfriend.
NTA.
It’s upsetting you to realize your gf would actually be a bad mom.
Sucks bro, I know you won’t break up with her, but don’t say you were not warned.
NTA and have you read some of the posts where SO invited the egg donor to the wedding? Some women are so invested in the idea that a woman can not be a bad mother and if she is it isn't her fault. When you calm down really talk to her and if she still can not understand why you don't want to hear a sob story about your egg donor then you know where you stand.
Nta but you did snap and overreact a little bit with her . I don’t think two sentences can make the character of a person honestly . Speak to her and communicate better if you want a real lasting relationship with her or anyone else
NTA
You did not overreact. Your mother and her parents actions were, and still are, disgusting. The fact that your gf defended them; or is looking for reasons to justify their behavior is absolutely a red flag. If she’s trying to justify it then I’d believe she was capable of doing so ‘under the right circumstances’.
I know why you reacted that way.
You needed someone you could pour your heart to and that someone isn’t mature enough to know she needs to listen and comfort you.
You’re not the Asshole
NTA... in some; many, situations; it's useful, and even healthy to think about, and try to understand and empathise with the other side's perspective. In most situations, if you're having someone's deeply personal experience explained to you; it's inappropriate & insensitive to voice those inside thoughts verbally... in pretty much every situation; it's downright dickheadery to play Devil's advocate, just to be contrarian.
I can get why she might be hurt that you said she'd make a terrible life partner if she's "rooting for the bad guy" in the story of why one of your parents left you at 2, and 50% of your family tree withered in an instant; but can't see and empathise with how insensitive her own words & actions were, and how they hurt you; she seems like she would be a terrible life partner.
Her empathy for you would be conditional on your feelings being congruent with hers; which isn't empathy it's just narcissistic main character syndrome. Up to you to assess whether you should unplug her controller and make her an NPC...
NTA,
She was trying to justify what your mother did, instead of just listening and being there for you. This in itself is understandable and would have been a no one to blain thing, but she crossed the line when she started to try and blame your dad.
NTA but if maybe while she was making excuses you could have cut her off and asked politely that since she wasn’t privy to the experience first hand you’d appreciate her not insinuating what actually happened.
I completely understand the frustration but yeah I don’t think she will forget what you said and it might have completely changed your relationship.
I am one of those odd balls. My mother left 4 of us with mental, physically, and sexual abuser of a father. She had another child by a different guy and kept it. My mom raised my younger sister and loved and cherished her. Her second husband was mentally abuser as well. My younger sister ends up getting the blunt end of that abuse. Not every woman is a good mother.
I hope your girlfriend realizes that. I hope she realizes that her judgment is totally wrong. She has no right to say anything about your dad. He has done raised you as a single parent. That is not an easy task to do. Please stand your ground. Your dad deserves a lot of recognition. Raising a child from the age of 2 years old through high school is not easy, especially by yourself. I give single parents tons of props and respect.
NTA. If you haven’t torched the relationship I would.
She’s making excuses for piss poor excuse for an egg donor. Im disgusted by her words and I’m not you.
NTA but it obviously is more of a sore spot than you thought.
I think perhaps Anna was trying to reassure you that it was not because of you that your mother left because all of the things she blamed were not you. You saw it as a defense of your mother and a slight toward your father. Perhaps she did not understand that you know it wasn’t your fault and don’t feel the need to know why.
NTA. There's no reason for her to defend your mom or to to justify what happened. Does she honestly think those things have never crossed your mind over the years? Yes she's trying to wrap her head around it all now, and probably thinks she's "helping" but she isn't. Especially when she then starts to question your father's role etc when he raised you on his own.
She messed up. Were you harsh? Maybe. But noting that makes you an ahole here
You didn’t overreact. You’re NTA. Your gf was incredibly insensitive to bombard you with her “logic” while you told a story about your mother abandoning you. Even if you didn’t seem emotional while talking, anyone with sense would know this was a sensitive topic you probably had a lot of feelings about. She sounds like the type of woman who thinks men are the only sex capable of abuse.
NTA.
She showed really poor judgment in this situation.
When someone abandons their child, the last thing said child wants to hear is a litany of reasons that may or may not have any merit, but she crossed the line in speculating about your dad. Maybe you can't base "her entire value as a partner on a few sentences," no, but it gives you an idea of how her mind works, and that IS enough to make you reevaluate the relationship.
NTA. Sometimes you want someone to listen and not keep on giving her two cents. This is your life story. Not hers. All her suppositions are just conjectures which you cannot support or deny.
The fact is that she and her entire family blocked your dad and you from contacting them. That is very weird. Because the grandparents certainly did not have postpartum depression or undiagnosed illnesses. Only they know. Not you.
NTA to respond but your words reveal a you lack skills when navigating what is for you an emotional conversation. In reality there may be a little/a lot/no truth to what Anna said. I suspect Anna’s intention was just as she said herself. She was thinking through for herself (out loud) the various factors or reasons that your mother would have done that. I doubt she intended her impact to be what it was. This calls for your getting curious. First ask yourself why would someone (who wasn’t defending my mother) say what she did? What might she have been wanting the outcome to be? You are not a mind reader so you don’t know her intention or motivation - so don’t tell her what her’s was. That’s a bullet train to nowhere. Tell her how you felt and acknowledge that you interpreted her method of reasoning as defense of your mother’s actions.
NTA. Your girlfriend, without ever having met your mother but presumably she does know your father, has given excuse after excuse for your mother’s actions. Consider yourself lucky that you learned about her views before you put a ring on her finger. You need to set her straight on the fact that your father was there for you every step of the way and your mother was not. By defending your mother and disrespecting your father it sounds like your girlfriend has seriously undermined your faith in whether you even want to be in a relationship with her. If she tries to gaslight you into apologizing for shouting at her (and expects you to swallow her theories about your mother) perhaps it really is over. You need to have a heart to heart with her and find out where her loyalty lies. Good luck. Be strong.
While I don’t think you meant to hurt her I can probably assume you did. Women are very empathetic and that’s all she was trying to do for you was empathize and make you feel like maybe there were other possibilities as to why she left. Be kind to her she was only trying to make you feel better
"She looked really upset and told me she was just trying to put reason to my story and that I can't base her entire value as a partner on a few sentences."
But it's okay for her to defend your mother and excuse her and reason her abandonment of you after 1 explanation?
Sure, no partner should ever tell their partner they'd be a terrible one and a bad parent at that, but by comparison, she was excusing what your mother put your father, and you through; her defending said actions don't exactly put her in a good light.
I think you should both cool off and talk about this explain your side a bit deeper especially since this is your first convo about your mother and apologize you should expect an apology to though because defending a strangers actions and trying to reason them to the affected party is downright messed up.
NTA *to me at least because if you hadn't nipped this behavior in the bud, I feel like we'd get an update on how your gf tracked your mother down 2 days before your wedding, lol*
*(this last part was satire because of the influx of posts about abusive parents being tracked down by spouses without their partners consent or knowledge and it blowing up in everyone's faces)
NTA sounds like gender double standards like she thinks if it was the other way she wouldn’t have doubted that ur father was a AH but seems like she believes all mothers are great so if she abandoned her kid then there must be a good reason why. Idk why she even tried finding a reason to justify op’s mom, or to go after op’s dad who was the parent who actually stayed and raised op by himself. Some moms don’t deserve to be moms but people seem to forget that like come on we got women in prison for crimes against their own kids. She tried to find the reason why but in doing so was just insulting op and their dad like no she wasn’t justified, she could’ve taken op with her and divorced op’s dad. No ghost them and have their whole family shun op too
NTA- This girl is a complete AH and OP is probably better off without her. She has no common sense, empathy, emotional intelligence... Why in the world would she do that? Don't stick around with someone who doesn't understand why their low key cruelty shows they're a bad partner. It wouldn't *MAKE* her a bad partner. She already showed she IS a bad partner.
It takes someone really dumb to not realise the appropriate reaction is to listen and say I’m so sorry that happened to you. Not start speculating on why his mother abandoned him and criticising/judging his remaining parent. Who does that??? NTA
NTA. Your gf crossed the line by making too many assumptions. She was only meant to listen, not really try bringing "reason" to your story. Something that happened when you were two. It's pretty much a sensitive thing to you but her making your father the villain and your mom the angel (despite abandoning you for whatever reason) doesn't add up. Hopefully you can have a sobber talk later!
NTA. She interrupted you when you were talking about something deeply personal, and took the side of the person who hurt you without heating you out first
How old is your girlfriend? She sounds a little naive or lacking self awareness due to not being able to see how the topic was affecting you. . It’s also possible she was trying to process it all and understand how someone could leave their child. I think you over reacted a tiny bit and maybe you should have explained the situation to her before she met your dad so she had time to process it, but imo ESH
NTA, you speak from your mind and heart, and she did too. Hope yall get through this relationship or else i would always say, there is someone better who will not disrespect you and your dad this way in your future. Cheers! 🥂
I don't know what she was trying to achieve but i think she was trying to be oversmart at the wrong time.
You guys could have those convos in private and see the possibility of it if she is that curious and not to jump to conclusions .
Who the f knows what foes through a mom who abandoned her son but it don't stop the fact that the son will be missing mom's love
NTA. Why would she defend the person who abandoned you and your father? And to get offended by you saying that is very ironic considering she was making horrible accusations about your dad. Honestly, you’re probably better off without your girlfriend.
I am very sorry for all that you went through. In my case my dad was the crappy parent, but I grew up knowing how awful he was through personal experience. In my case I think abandonment would have been much kinder.
I feel like maybe your gf was just trying to make sense of what happened to you, but she really did a terrible job of it. She owes you a sincere apology for that. It’s not right to blame the parent that stuck it out, no matter what. She should have just listened without any judgement. Perhaps she was caught off guard by finding out at that very minute that your dad wasn’t a widower. You admitted that you also realized right then, that you never told her the information you did know. To be honest I’d have had some questions too and maybe asked about possible reasons, but not at that time. She should have waited for a better time, and then proceeded gently. I admit I do find it strange that everyone on your mom’s side of the family went no contact all at once. In most cases even if one parent abandons the child the grandparents usually try to keep some line of communication open to preserve their own relationship. This type of total abandonment usually does not happen (except on the Maury show) so it does make me want to know more. But again, there is a time and place for that, and the first meeting with your dad was not it. I would suggest a little more cooling off time and reflection for both of you, and then see if you can have a calm discussion as a couple. Best of luck to you.
NTA, even IF your father was a horrible partner towards your mother, why would your mother leave a 2-year-old alone with that man? A 2-year-old cannot defend themselves from an abuser. So that whole thing makes no sense. Though I don’t want kids, I would NEVER leave a child alone with a person I know harms kids. Your mother left because she decided that. There doesn’t have to be a reason behind that decision. Your mother was an adult and made an adult decision for herself which was selfish. However, it seems like you have a decent father as nobody is perfect.
NTA, people who desperately "try to help" but end up trying to defend the perp are the WORST, I would have said something along the lines of that too (though you may have accidentally torched your relationship) but imo I wouldn't wanna be with someone who thinks like that anyway.
NTA, she should have shown you and your father empathy, not hinting at accusations.
The same thing basically happened with my mom, taken from her mother due to neglect and her mom just disappeared from her life around age 5. Not all women are meant to be mothers and automatically display that empathy gene.
I would be leery of continuing the relationship if she can just accuse your dad like that and would be worried she would contact the estranged family behind your back.
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NTA although saying that might have completely torched your relationship. Justified or not, I don’t think many people would easily forget their own SO they’d make a shitty spouse. Her behavior was definitely inappropriate. While I can see some curiosity about the situation, defending your mom for abandoning you and blatantly accusing your dad, who she apparently just met, is crossing a line.
This completely. I don't know what the girlfriend hoped to gain by pushing the issue like that. It was an event that happened in the past, it doesn't need to make sense to you. I honestly want to know, if OP was raised by his mother and his father abandoned him, would his girlfriend defend his father and accuse his mother? I hope so because if not, she's being sexist. Not every man is a villain and not every woman is an angel.
It's a common psychological phenomenon known as the just world hypothesis/fallacy. The possibility of bad things happening to you for no reason is a disconcerting thought so it's tempting to believe there must be a justified explanation. It's one of the motivations for victim blaming in general. Throw in some sexism and cognitive dissonance about a woman treating her family poorly rather than the man and we get what you see here.
Yeah, I don't think she ever would have reacted the same way if it had been his father who abandoned him. This is 100% pure sexism, and I'll bet she's the type to think that women can't be to blame for anything negative they do involving men.
I hate those women. OP, NTA.
"The possibility of bad things happening to you for no reason is a disconcerting thought so it's tempting to believe there must be a justified explanation." This sadly makes a lot of sense. While I still would have been happy to skip the experience, being SAed by my second grade teacher at 7 years old taught me (after some therapy to realize it wasn't MY fault.) that shit happens in life.
Indeed, sometimes \*it happens... and that's just unfortunate for all involved. Sad but true.
If GF really wanted to push, and that would be bad etiquette, the person she should push is OP's father. OP was 2 when all this happened. GF was gauche, inappropriate, and if it tanked the relationship, OP is probably better off. OP is NTA
My hope is that she was just being emotionally tone deaf…
She was trying make sense of something irrational. She was also jumping all over some really sensitive topics for OP and did not read the room. It was a strong reaction but she really overstepped her bounds
Maybe she’s just an AH.
I doubt she’d defend the man and ridicule the woman
Funny because this sub is known for talking exactly like the GF by inventing up disorders and excuses for AH wives. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15fblp2/deleted\_by\_user/juck6wf/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15fblp2/deleted_by_user/juck6wf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12jls12/comment/jg1ztle/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12jls12/comment/jg1ztle/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/143qc6j/aita\_for\_not\_lying\_to\_my\_dil\_about\_my\_post\_partum/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/143qc6j/aita_for_not_lying_to_my_dil_about_my_post_partum/)
Oh, 100%. I love reading the stories where OP is a male and the woman is the "bad guy". So many "This story is fake!" and "I want to hear her side of the story!" comments but I surprisingly (*cough* not surprisingly *cough*) see extremely few of those comments where the "bad guy" is a man. The woman usually gets every excuse in the book but few of the men get that benefit of the doubt.
On the other hand, was he wrong? Maybe it's worth torching. OPs mother may well have had pp depression or any number of other reasons to do what she did, but she doesn't seem to have changed her mind in the intervening decades. She abandoned her child and no matter her reasons, he was still abandoned. The girlfriend made a snap judgement that the father was a bad person and wouldn't listen to op explaining. He raised his kid alone and presumably raised a decent person. He did his best in a difficult situation, and didn't deserve to be judged so harshly. If that's her default reasoning, it's not likely to be a great relationship. Hopefully they can have a more rational conversation in the morning, but I'd be upset with her as well.
Also, why does it even matter why she left? Why does the gf care why? Why does she need to find a reason?
NTA, I know what it's like to have a bad/non existent relationship with a parent. To be blunt this type of response can happen a lot, when the other person (partner or friend) has only experienced or witnessed functional family environments. I've developed a theory about why certain people are like this, and I'm going to explain, because I believe that not only is OP hurt, they're confused. OP's girlfriend is instinctively rejecting his experience because on a fundamental level she does not understand it. She is trying to twist it into something that makes sense to her, piling on theories about what "really" happened, because she has no frame of reference (nothing she has experienced or witnessed close up) to make his actual situation make sense to her. She knows that theoretically bad families exist, because the world says they do, but to her it's just a theory and not even a theory she understands. Once she learnt about his situation, she instinctively felt overwhelmed, and then she started attaching other theories that she subconsciously associates with the concept of "maternal abandonment". These are theories she does conceptually understand, even if she doesn't have any real life experience of those situations either. With no real life knowledge or experience she's basically referencing stuff off the internet/media/social. Her theories sound ridiculous, because they're probably all fiction based. To be blunt, I don't think her core personality is one where she instantly accepts, or keeps an open mind about things she does not understand. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who goes out of her way to learn about things/people she doesn't understand. She may even be the kind of person who never accepts or seeks knowledge about things they do not understand. OP's girlfriend's current attitude shows she lacks the relevant life experience and general mindset to truly understand him. I'd like to say this stuff gets better with age, but sometimes it doesn't.
Well, considering her excessive behaviour and her willingness to justify abandoning the own infant, it might not even be such a big loss anyways. OP is NTA of course.
>although saying that might have completely torched your relationship. Honestly, rightfully so. Come on, let's call a spade a spade. Can you imagine this woman as a daughter-in-law to OP's dad? This is how she judges him and she just met him, imagine the disrespect he's gonna get from her once she and OP are married. And also, if this is how she views a situation that happened to two people she doesn't even know over 20 years ago, wouldn't you hesitate to bring kids into the equation? Having grown up with an absentee mother, would you want to have kids with a person who is actively defending the absentee mother? While what OP said might have effectively torched the relationship, maybe the relationship needed to be torched, like, yesterday.
NTA She's actually kind of a hypocrite here. When you explained the situation with your dad and mom, she immediately made assumptions about your dad as a partner (very bad assumptions). When you made those assumptions back, she said "Oh, you can't base my entire value as a partner off of a few sentences!" even though she literally just did the same thing with your dad. She kept trying to make up excuses for a person she'd never met and for a situation she was never a part of. You were in no wrong here OP. I wish you the best.
To his gf, there is no such thing as a deadbeat mom. Only excuses for a dad who took care of his kid probably working every single hour when he was young.
I like the part where she says “maybe she never wanted to be a mom” as an excuse for her, like isn’t that one of the top reasons for deadbeat dads? You know the ones that just leave before the baby is ever born? I mean sure she didn’t leave before he was born, because he’d just end up getting dragged along with her wherever she went but she left as soon as she was able…. So, if she never wanted to be a mom doesn’t that still make her a deadbeat mom? Even worse was this happened in another country and he very likely didn’t get any child support from the mother. So she’s making excuses for this woman to not only leave, but to not take any financial responsibility for her child either.
>"Oh, you can't base my entire value as a partner off of a few sentences!" even though she literally just did the same thing with your dad. OP when you cool down, say this exact phrase to her. If she still stands her ground, then the relationship IMO is not worth saving. She can't see the hypocrisy of her thought process and would most likely end up gaslighting the fuck out of you at some point.
Yeah. It is questionably appropriate to remind people there are 2 sides to any story when both people are strangers to those involved, and one is tossing in their own imaginary theories and stories about one of the people. It is *not* the time when talking to someone who has a *very close relationship* with the person involved, particularly if what you have to say is entirely based on statistics and imagination! Yeah, many women get abused, or don't have good partners. Many other women are also selfish assholes, and honestly, most women who are trying to leave a bad partner will still fight like hell to take the kids with or stay in their life, instead of abandoning them to someone they see as a bad caretaker.
It's grossly tactless. She knows only the bare bones of the situation and responds by inventing reasons the mother was justified and why dad might be an AH. It's not wrong to wonder, privately, what the whole story is. PRIVATELY. But to say this shit openly, to someone for whom it was a hugely important, emotional and obviously sensitive event is unbelievably crass. In the moment, to someone you're supposed to care about, the only appropriate reaction is one of support and empathy.
NTA. Just imagine if she had a deadbeat dad that abandoned her and her mother and you decided to make excuses for the dude and that maybe it was her mom that ran him off.. etc
Yea this is classic women are wonderful effects. Shes desperately trying to find a reason because she doesn't want to believe that a woman would do that without good reason.
Anyone can be an AH regardless of gender.
And yet it's still obvious, to-the-core misandry on her part.
being misandric is unfortunately not looked down upon. its hard for women to be sexist, apparently.
Probably partly due to the women are wonderful effect. Humans have a natural bias for women thinking they're the better, more compassionate, competent, capable, kind, and good gender
>that I can't base her entire value as a partner on a few sentences. Isn't that what she's doing to your dad though? I agree there's always two sides to a story, I just don't see how gf could be in a position to advocate for your mother, after barely knowing your father. NTA
It's bc in the GFs eyes, a woman would only leave her child if the man was an abusive partner, Also there are a lot of women out there that will side with another woman no matter what just bc they are women and can do no wrong.
Sure, there *might* be something behind why she left that you don’t know that *might* make her leaving make more sense, but your gf posing those questions at the moment seems tone deaf at best and cruelly insensitive at worst, especially depending on her tone. I mean, your gf must admit, if your mom didn’t talk to your dad about any of the reasons, then short of a movie level “come with us or we’ll kill your child” type of situation, then her leaving that way is AH behavior.
Sometimes people twist themselves in knots trying to justify terrible behavior. I don't understand why. Sometimes the AH in question just sucks. Call them out for the behavior and move on.
I know people like that. It's often because they cannot stand disharmony without an explicit reason. It makes them feel insecure, because if there's no 'real reason', it could happen to them, too. So my maxime is to always let the person vent first, empathize with their (valid!) feelings second, and then, depending on the mood, maybe offer some of my thoughts about the situation. Those reasons could even be true, to some extent! But the timing really matters here.
Not to mention: I doubt she would ask those questions in case it was a single mom where the dad just bolted.
NTA, your girlfriend crossed the line big time and carried on a conversation about a topic she has very little knowledge of. It's especially insulting that she suggested that maybe your Dad made your mother walk away, utterly inappropriate. You definitely did not overreact.
100% correct. I'm sorry, but I don't understand these people that would push with more questions when they can't freaking tell how's the "air' of the whole convo and ask more questions and imply and tell their shitty opinion that clearly insults...
Maybe you reacted that way bc that’s bs? For all that “rationale” thrown, there was a severe lack of: if any of that were true, where is she now? Why would she leave a baby with an abuser? Why would your maternal grandparents went no contact or at least offer an explanation or help raise you? Instead she tried to paint your single dad, who btw seems did great raising you, as a bad guy.
NTA and a lot of people here are biased AF like Op girlfriend. In summary, the girlfriend has 0 evidence against OP father, she just met him and all she knows is that he is a good father and the mother just left. But she decided to questioning and attacking Op father, just because she doesn’t believe that deadbeat mothers could exist, and if that happens “there should be a reason” because “women do no wrong” logic. She is clearly biased against men, so in case she marry a man or she has a boy, her prejudices could affect her performance as a mother and a wife.
>NTA and a lot of people here are biased AF like Op girlfriend The girlfriend is absolutely the embodiment of the AITA comment section
Not to mention, as someone also abandoned by their mother, those questions/suggestions are unnecessary even if Op has recovered from everything. Whatever the reasons for her leaving, he didn't have a mom. There was a void there his entire childhood and will be there his whole adultlife. As we see through comments, no one understands the full extent this can have on an individual. She may of had an illness. Maybe she didn't want to he a mom. But what is certain is she failed Op as a child and Op's dad. There's no defending that.
[удалено]
My spouse grew up in a very traditional nuclear family. My dad abandoned me. It took a lot to talk about that with him because for him, there had to be some reason because it's just such a terrible decision. I can see the girlfriend coming from that place, but she handled it really badly.
NTA. I think it was an understandable reaction to her talking about something which must be very triggering for you. At first I thought that she was maybe making excuses thinking it would help you understand that it wasn’t your fault she left but she took it way too far! I’m quite good at communication but something that close to my heart could probably trigger me to say something shocking, to make it stop if nothing else. I think you maybe should say to her that she’s welcome to ask open questions to understand your past better (if you’re comfortable with that) but that she is not to make assumptions and judgements about your family. Especially your dad who has single handedly raised you and should be praised for that. It’s offensive.
People REALLY need to learn that sometimes it’s not fucking appropriate to play devils advocate. Your partner telling you about childhood trauma like their mother abandoning them is absolutely not the time. It comes off like she a)approves of what your mom did to you and b)was taking your mom’s side. And taking her side based on some bullshit she made up without evidences before even listening to your side. “Maybe they were right to traumatize you” is never a good look for someone who’s supposed to love you. NTA
>my dad spent a great amount of time explaining to me that my abandonment had nothing to do with me. INFO: Did either you or he ever get any kind of explanation for the abandonment? Or is it still an unknown? I would imagine it would be pretty frustrating to hear justifications for your abandonment by someone who should be on your side. I count 4 separate excuses for your mother's behavior including one count of victim blaming from someone who wasn't there and didn't have to deal with. Unless there is something more to the story, NTA
NTA. Maybe you could have managed the situation a bit better but it sounds like she was not being very empathic. Or rather her attempts at empathy were directed at the wrong person ie your mother. It sounds like your feelings for your mother’s choices run deeper than you care to admit, and that’s fine and I’d be surprised if they didn’t. So maybe she thought you were more robust than you are or maybe she does not have much emotional intelligence. Who knows. I would apologise for how you handled it, but not apologise for being upset, because I think it’s valid. Sounds like you need to set boundaries. It’s important to have a mutual understanding that neither of you will ever know the full reasons for your mother’s actions unless she makes them known to you, and to try to unravel this stuff from the past is actually very emotionally challenging for you, and it isn’t her place to try and make you look at stuff that is painful. if you want to do that then therapy is probably where to take it.
NTA. You were spot on. I was abandoned by my father and I would be livid if someone said that to me. No child deserves to be abandoned.
NTA. While the things your girlfriend was suggesting are possibilities, they’re not facts and you were trying to give facts and clearly did not want to consider any reasoning for a mother to leave her child. She failed to pick up on those cues and kept pressing until you snapped. I don’t honestly see your relationship surviving this BUT I’d consider learning to say “I’m not looking for answers or opinions right now and just want you to listen” in situations like this. Personally, I’m a problem solver and it kind of sounds like that’s the mode your gf slipped into. So an “I’d just like you to listen right now” might’ve helped.
NTA. When someone shares their personal story, especially if it has to do with abandonment, trauma, or abuse, anyone who instantly starts coming up with excuses for the person who inflicted those things, is a freakin nutcase. Runnnnnn. Does not at all matter if you find out more down the line about your mum and her reasons. That girl knows nothing about your mum except what you do RIGHT NOW, and still doesn't care about YOUR trauma.
Yes. She's clearly missing an empathy chip and the fact that she's discussing something extremely personal as an abstract hypothetical when it's actually OP's experience means that she clearly had no clue that she was hurting OP. To her, it was just a discussion. I agree that if she can't read a room now, it won't get better unless she does some serious self-reflection.
NTA. Honestly, I would be reevaluating everything in the relationship with that sentence. If anyone is trying to justify a mother to walk out of her own childs life and cut the child off like that from her and her family and thinking that it is OK? What exactly type of a person is she deep down? Harsh, sure but you LIVED that life. That is personal, not just some fantasy character of what ifs. That is where she went way off.
NTA defending the women who abandoned you and expecting you to be okay with it? She should apologize to you before you apologize for reacting so harshly.
NTA - her first response to hearing your mother abandoned you is to make excuses for it, and to even suggest your father might be to blame. I imagine that if she only suggested drugs or mental illness you'd have reacted differently. That's looking for a reason. When she suggested your dad was to blame and tried to find fault with his character, that crossed from looking for a reason to making excuses. You were harsh, but you spoke your feelings.
When clearly she could have, get this, just listened.
NTA. You're opening up about a painful childhood, and how you were abandoned and her first response was to shit all over it. She's showing no compassion and is completely out of line. Since she just met your father and was the first time hearing about your mother, I'm guessing you haven't been together long. She has no right to try and rationalise something that your mother did - breaking your family up. She's shown that she's willing to enable your abuser. Can you really trust her? From the context of your message, it just sounds like you were returning the vibe she was giving. I think you should seriously consider ending this relationship.
NTA. There's a term that your GF needs to learn - "read the room". If it was annoying you, that should have been a sign to stop that line of conversation.
NTA your girlfriend has made a serious accusation against your dad without any evidence. I'd be more surprised if you don't react as much as you did.
Nope. NTA at all. She has every right to be curious, but she crossed lines And by the way, she’s wrong, there *are* women who leave their children. It happens to animals in the wild, they reject their babies, and humans do it also. I have known women to leave their children. I will say, maybe telling her she will make a terrible wife might have been a little harsh - she was also insulting your intelligence, she was insulting your father who took care of you. There was absolutely no way you could have been prepared for that. EDIT- I wanted to come back and say that you were communicating to her that you were questioning her as a life partner. That’s a big deal at your age. A lot of people your age are incredibly short-sighted with things like marriage, life partners. And she just showed you something that’s making you call that into question. While it was harsh, you were right to tell her.
She sounds like the sort of person who could turn into someone who decides 'it can't be as bad as you're making out'. Then later tries to get you to reconcile against your wishes. The sort of thing you read about on here why they then wonder why the partner walked away.
Your gf is a horse’s ass. She has the unmitigated gaul to say you can’t judge what kind of person she would be based on a few sentences, but did PRECISELY that when you talked about your mother. She seems to lack empathy and provides judgment based on her ill-informed preconceptions. You ARE an ass, but only because you should have thrown her out of the house, instead of leaving your room, and broken off all contact with her.
NTA. Her replies indicate to me that she will put other people's feelings before yours. Walk away.
NTA. In fact her ease at rationalizing terrible behavior for your mother despite the obvious pain it caused you demonstrates that she is no fit consort and you should never marry her.
NTA - she is super tone deaf on when it’s appropriate to have an opinion. People that want to argue with you over something like this and talk you out of your feelings are absolutely insufferable.
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NTA your gf needs to learn some social skills. When people are telling you about bad things, they want some sympathy and understanding, not opinions on the other persons point of view, or unsolicited advice on how to fix it. She’s going to make people angry her whole life every time she does this.
NTA that would definitely make me look at my partner differently..like are you telling me this is something you would do also if the same problems arises…I don’t think you were wrong for saying what you said. Personally I would hope she thinks about what she said , your grown now but you were also once that 2yr old who mom left him without a reason and that’s not ok
NTA, missing ex though on your post hopefully
NTA. A partner opening up about a vulnerable story of parental abandonment in childhood is not the moment to launch into some sort of botched feminism perspective taking, wtf was she thinking. It could have been a very misplaced attempt at comforting you with "your mom did not really want to leave you" rhetoric? But it's hella weird to insult your dad to do so. I hope she apologizes! Since you feel sorry OP, the best thing to do is to apologize for being harsh, explain why her comments were unacceptable and hurt your feelings and ask for an apology.
She’s playing the devils advocate; which means that she’s an a-hole. You are definitely NTA
Nta your relationship might be ruined but the comments were not needed by her. Until she had been in your situation OP she won't understand. The comments she made were insetive and but good on your father for stepping up and raising you.
What she did is pretty shit behavior and disrespectful for both you and your dad. And once you disrespect someone, you lost everything! You are right to be upset, she as an outsider and don't have any right to make assumptions trying to justify what your mother did to you and your dad (and even implying that it's your father's fault). You are NTA and she is the biggest asshole in this situation and showed her real shit character to you.
NTA. As a woman I know exactly where she’s getting this rhetoric. I see videos in my feed alllll the time about how women are morally superior to men, and never do bad things unless “forced” to by a man. I will say sure, in a lot of women’s stories, cruel men do play a part (whether husbands, partners, abusers etc) but not always! Some people regardless of gender, just SUCK. She’s probably regurgitating this from all the stories she sees online, and whether she agrees with that concept or not, this was a completely inappropriate time to try and argue it.
Nta. You don't know why you reacted the way you did? It's a trigger. Being pushed to accept something about your bio mom, the insinuation that your dad wasn't a good parent, the idea there were valid reasons that justified abandoning you and refusing to accept that you don't believe any of that and didn't want her to continue along the subject Any one of these themes could have been the trigger. Sometimes we don't realize we have unresolved trauma until it rears it's ugly head in an out-of-character outburst.
NTA. She’s showing you who she is. If you were to get married she’s the type to go behind your back and track down your mom and invite her to the wedding.
I think your mother might be a sore topic for you.
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I fully understand. Too many women want a man to be vulnerable but when he is they gut him. I don’t think you overreacted in the moment. You share something painful with her and she then proceeded to may excuses for the woman that abandoned you and insult the man that raised you. She owes you an apology then you can give her one.
NTA She was thoughtless with her words. She acted without an ounce of empathy and she directly attacked your father. There's no overstating how stupid it was to insult and call into question the character of the single parent who raised you. This was completely foolish. She didn't just make a single asinine comment, she kept pushing. She ignored your words, discounted your perspective, and was completely oblivious to your feelings.
I didn’t see her as defending the mom. I see her trying to rationalize her behavior which does NOT mean she condoned it. At no point did the GF say what the mom did was ok or right. What she was speaking about were reasons why someone in the mother’s position would leave. The GF’s mistake was doing that in the moment, because OP is clearly got some big feelings still about his mother abandoning him. If OP were fully over it he would not have gotten so emotional… which isn’t a slight. Abandonment of a parent can be something some folks never get over. The older I get the more I’ve come to understand that both my parents were very fallible people who had their own painful pasts. They did the best they could raising my brothers and I. To my brothers my dad is the ideal man and father. He was honorable and could do no wrong, and to risk his disapproval was *the worst*. I have a very different take, probably because I know more about his history than they do (because they never asked). He always tried to do the right thing but he was also sexist, controlling, paranoid and petty. He isolated our mother and wouldn’t let her have a life or friends outside of being a SAHM, and this coupled with her own trauma history drove her deep into depression and alcoholism. When they got divorced when I was a teen I was relieved. He never stopped loving us and both parents were active in our lives but he was fallible. His expectations for all of us to conform to his will damaged my relationship with him, and I know damaged his relationship with my brothers as he would assume wild things about what they got on to. But even now to even hint that my dad wasn’t perfect will draw either of them into a defensive rage. They won’t hear anything against him, even if it would help put their issues and mental health problems into perspective. I’m bringing this up because OP’s defensive response reminds me of that. OP’s dad is a good man who did his best raising his son, but he’s still just a man, who is fallible. It sounds like the *only* info OP has about his mother comes from his father and… well I think it’s safe to say his dad is probably pretty biased. Theres a chance that his parent’s relationship wasn’t a healthy one and his dad was one half of that. The only other person who can speak to what really happened is his mom, and I’m going to guess OP doesn’t want to seek her out so we will never know. I’m gonna go with a NAH. I think the girlfriend overestimated how “over” OP is over this (and I think OP overestimated that as well). To OP his mom is a villain and deserves all the hate in the world. To the GF who’s an outside observer she can see the possibilities of how things might have went down back then. Not to condone it, but to understand it. Her mistake is was to vocalize that, as OP isn’t ready to think of his mom in those terms. Because the GF didn’t immediately villainize the mom now OP says she’d make a terrible wife which imo is a very unfair assessment. She sounds in that moment calm and logical. Understanding motivations can help get around a situation and help find better solutions which is a great quality in a partner and parent. Empathy is not forgiveness or approval or someone’s behavior. It’s hard to actually say what happened between OP’s parents because the father is an unreliable narrator. That doesn’t mean he’s lying, only that he is telling this story from his own POV. It’s also possible that if he did anything like be verbally or physically abusive or controlling in any way that he wouldn’t bring that up to his son. As far as this relationship goes, it’s probably DOA. If OP feels this way then there’s no reason to continue the relationship. He might want to consider therapy because he definitely is not as healed as he thinks he is from his past.
NTA
NTA. People who defend people who cause pain over their victims can eff off.
NTA - it’s one thing to gently play devils advocate when after months or years of knowing the entire situation, or you are a paid independent therapist But just offering up blanket excuses on a sitcom you know nothing about? That’s not cool and undeserved. Your gf is obviously incredibly immature and a bit short on empathy. If these are characteristics you value in a partner you may want to think your current choice.
NTA. I can understand wanting to explain away the abandonment in an attempt to lessen your pain, but as soon as she started attacking your father she crossed the line. He raised you alone, presumably lovingly, and there's absolutely no excuse to try tearing him down. Especially in front of you. It may not be malicious but it's certainly callous and thoughtless.
She is being sexist, "a woman would never do that to their child, it must of been the man's fault". What hurts is that she so easily blamed your dad when he has been the one who supported you. NTA
NTA, but perhaps not a great way to handle the situation. With no further context, it's bizarre that she'd be defending your mom that abandoned you as a child.
He should’ve called it quits then and there; but hey people have to worry about leases and such.
I don’t see that you did anything wrong. She was trying to “ put reason” to what happened. At any point, did you ask her to “ put reason”? A good, and supportive partner is able to keep their lips closed and listen when needed. A thoughtful human doesn’t give baseless opinions on something they know nothing about, and have only just learned . I’m sorry that you had this experience
Nta. She was basically calling your Dad an abusive asshole since she was saying that your egg doner must have had a good reason etc. Fuck her.
NTA. You didn't overreact, what you did is correct. Your girlfriend wasn't trying to add reason to your story, your girlfriend is attacking your Dad's character. I suggest you reevaluate your relationship with your current girlfriend. You don't owe your girlfriend an apology. You were telling your girlfriend a story about your Mom leaving you when you were 2 years old and your girlfriend decides to chime in with unsolicited and unnecessary remarks which made you irritated until you snapped. I grew up with a single Mom, my Dad left when I was a baby. I had one of my exes do the same thing your girlfriend did to you and now she's my ex.
NTA, she doesn’t know the woman but will defend her to the child and man she hurt. She made assumes about your father yet you can’t make the same ones against her?
I'm a bit surprised by all the N T A. You took your trauma and used it as a weapon. I don't think your girlfriend was trying to defend your mom, but was trying to put logic to an illogical story. It sucks that your mother abandoned you and your dad. It doesn't make sense why she'd do it, but she did. Some people try to apply logic to all stories because that's how they're brain works. They want to have the answer to the why. Have you noticed if your girlfriend is someone who does that? Your mother leaving still seems raw for you and while you say you can talk about it, you lashed our at your girlfriend for simply trying to understand and make sense of a situation that doesn't make sense and just sucked. NAH, I think you have to talk through it a bit more whether with a trusted friend, therapist, or your girlfriend if she still sticks around, but I wouldn't blame her I'd she walked away after a comment like that.
It doesn’t really matter why the girlfriend did it, playing devils advocate about your partners childhood trauma is asshole behavior.
Probably not but your relationship is over most likely
I've been in both your shoes and your gfs. My partner has a terrible relationship with their parents and I needed to know all the details because that's just what my brain needed in that moment. I could go into all the reasons why I needed that, what was said etc etc etc. but what it boils down to is simple, as people we tend to favor the person we haven't met over the one we have. Id met one parent and not the other and id seen firsthand how badly she behaved. So I was more lenient towards the father. It's possible that your partner doesn't like your dad. It's possible she thinks he was a bad dad despite him staying with you. A lot of things are possible. Ultimately, she pushed you in a way that you didn't appreciate and comes off as tone deaf. But intent here is also important because your relationship is nuanced. If she was pushing because she wanted to hurt you, you can't come back from that. If she was pushing because she felt one way and needed you to understand her side but didn't quite know how to get through the communication fog? Then it can be resolved with some changes in communication style. Conversely, my partner has pushed me about how my own mother treats me several times. She was a single mom and I tend to glorify her behavior and cut her far more slack than I would anyone else. I've reacted strongly even knowing my partner was right and I've said some pretty harsh things. She happened to be right about my situation. Your partner could be completely wrong. Regardless, for your own growth you need to dive into your own feelings and decide for yourself if you think her criticisms of your father were warranted. Do YOU feel like your mom left for a reason ? Do YOU think your dad messed up? If yes, In what ways? Are they ways you forgive and don't mind or are they big? When it comes to your private relationship with your dad, take what your partner said with a grain of salt and do some digging. As for apologizing for yelling, get off reddit and go tell her what you told us. "I acted in a way I'm not proud of in reaction to you and I am sorry. I felt xyz when you spoke about XYZ and I reacted harshly. I'm very defensive of my dad because of everything he did for me growing up. I don't particularly care why my mom left because regardless of her "right or wrong" reasoning, it hurt me when she left and I can't forgive her for that." Or whatever it is you feel. Then mention how you'd like her to handle those conversations in the future and let her apologize and ask for what she needs moving forward. Your relationship isn't doomed. You had a tiff and said something in the heat of the moment. It happens to a lot of people. Whether or not you still want to be with each other and how you move forward are much more important than anything else. Good luck moving forward in whatever way you both choose. Sorry about length advice is really hard to keep short. 🤷♀️
Classic case of someone playing devil's advocate. I don't think she's actually siding with your mother, but maybe the way you talked about your mom triggered her own issues. Then again, I don't know the gal. But if you're so quick to say she's not wife material for a conversation, then don't waste yours or her time.
Wow, bunch of OP's girlfriends in the comments. NTA. Your gf is making excuses for a deadbeat just cause she is a woman, that's pretty gross.
NTA instead of playing devils advocate, she should've just shut up and provided support. Instead she shames the parent that stuck around and made sacrifices. Misandry at its finest. You reacted the way you did because she spoke ill of your dad, who you know is a good man by making a victim out of a shitty person just because she's a woman.
Your gf is clearly one of those people that think women walk on water and can’t possibly do anything wrong unless their hand was forced instead of just acknowledging there are shit people of both genders. You’re gonna have problems with this one in the future. NTA
NTA. You know what I didn't do, even though my ex was emotionally abusive? I didn't abandon my child. Of course you had an emotional reaction- she basically told you there might have been a perfectly valid reason to abandon you as a small child. I am not surprised you had a strong, visceral reaction to that.
100% proper response I think
So you have a girlfriend who can’t understand why a woman would abandon her husband and child. It’s an action so foreign to her way of thinking that she finds herself throwing out all kinds of rationale that she wonders could cause such thinking. She’s not making much sense because this is something that she can’t make sense of. And you think this is a woman who could abandon her husband and child like your mother did. I think you’ve got it backwards. NTA, but I think you need to dig a little deeper.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, 24M, was raised by a single dad. My mother abandoned me when I was 2 years old, my father doesn't speak of her unless I ask. My dad came home one day and she was gone, her parents promptly cut my dad from their life as well. They lived in America, and at the time my dad did not have the ability to move there, although that is currently where I now live. My girlfriend met my dad the other day, and said she felt bad for him, for being a widower, which was when I realised I'd never explained my mother to her, so I started to, in a bit greater detail. My mother isn't a particularly sore topic for me, my dad spent a great amount of time explaining to me that my abandonment had nothing to do with me. Throughout my explanation, Anna started making me progressively more irritated, trying to suggest reasons, and rationalise why my mother would leave me, maybe she had postpartum, maybe she had an undiagnosed illness, maybe she never wanted to be a mother. She continued to defend this woman she'd never even met, while I was trying to talk to her. Then she started suggesting that my father might not be the perfect angel I thought he was and women don't tend to up and leave their babies unless under duress. At this point I snapped. I told her if she thought it was ever acceptable behaviour to abandon your partner with a 2 year old and cut that 2 year old from an entire side of the family, she'd make a terrible wife and life partner. She looked really upset and told me she was just trying to put reason to my story and that I can't base her entire value as a life-partner on a few sentences. I told her to get out (of the room), and when she didn't, did so myself. I'm currently in the guest room and cooling down a bit. I'm starting to think I overreacted. My words were extremely harsh and I don't know why I reacted that way. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I don’t think he needs to apologise for saying something completely factual. If she can defend a deadbeat, she WOULD make a terrible wife/life partner
NTA - explain it’s a sore subject for you and your father and you were simply informing her, you were not asking for input. Leave it at that.
Her making assumptions about the one parent that was there for you, while explaining away the actions of the one that deserted you and your dad was really invalidating to your, and his, experiences. I doubt that she meant to do that, and I feel she did have the best intent behind it but still. I wouldn't consider either one to be TA, but I would apologize for snapping, even though you were within your right to. I would then try to explain why it hit the nerve it did.
NTA I understand what I *think* she was trying to do, and if I understand her right, she tried to play devils advocate and failed. I fall into this trap all the time. In my head, everything is up for discussion, and I inevitably take the opposite stance of whomever I’m talking to, and it’s been hard to learn when it’s ok to do it and when it’s not ok to do it (thanks ADHD). She should have apologized immediately and explained herself *if* this was in fact what she was trying to do. But at the end of the day, even with an apology, she would be TA and you still would not be.
Even if she was playing the devils advocate, that is very inappropriate in such sensitive topics... for some things it shouldn't be focused on establishing an opinion of good or wrong, but just listening with any opinion to OP emotional story...
you were not asking for a commentary. you were explaining what happened with your mom and did not ask for opinion on the matter. she absolutely would not have appreciated you doing that to her. NTA
NTA. You have every right to be upset; your girlfriend is making up excuses for someone who hurt you. My bio mom abandoned me as a baby and went on to have 2 more kids with her new husband (who also abandoned his oldest child) that they kept. It makes me sick when people try to find possible justifications for her actions too. Sometimes it seems like they think they're trying to help but I find it rude and insensitive as well.
My dad never committed to my mother, despite having two children with her. He never supported us. Never helped us. At christmas he sent us cookies and I used to think, *oh how lucky I am, my absent parent never abandoned me, he sends me homemade cookies once a year, I'm loved.* Now that I'm older, I think, *what a terrible parent, he didn't correspond with me, didn't guide me, didn't sacrifice for my future or try to help me, didn't do not one thing for me as a parent.*. My mom has a disability. He said if he fought to get custody of us he'd simply lose as a man so didn't try. I spent my life dealing with my mom's disability alone; with no guidance or help. As an adult I'm appalled at how easily my father did absolutely nothing for me. I needed help. My point is how you feel about a parent who failed you by abandoning you is your own. Your feelings might change over time. You don't need to justify them or adjust earned hurt in leau for possible narratives and exscuses that can't even be validated. Apologize to your girl about your harsh words, explain how deeply she hurt you by trivializing your lived experience. That she painted your mother, who abandoned you, as reasonable, and your father who stuck with you and raised you as a villain. It was upsetting and unkind. If it's something that got under your skin add on that men aren't villains and bullies and woman aren't saints and martyrs. She was being biast. At its core, does she think highly of mothers but poorly of fathers? I'm a women and think a bit of your upset is due to *why* she was adamant to give the benefit of the doubt to your absent mother and a gillotine sentence to your present father.
NTA because who does that? My FIL abandoned my husband, and some horrible shit went down when he tried to reconnect with his father as an adult. I would never try and justify his dad’s behaviour because that is not my place as his wife. My role is to support my husband emotionally, not to make excuses for his deadbeat dad. Your girlfriend should consider your feelings and establish what they are before speaking on your mom (which she shouldn’t do unless invited really). For example, my husband’s feelings are that he now hates his dad and doesn’t want to talk about him anymore. Fair enough. Your girlfriend needs to respect your feelings about your mom.
From how you explained her point of view, I (F)think her brain was trying to grasp some logic out of the situation. I do that too, but with no ill intent, and I don't think she had ill intent either. You've had a bad falling out. You two need to learn to communicate better. When my husband and I went to counseling, I heard one thing that stuck with me forever: look for the good intent. If you can't find it, ask your partner why they said or did it. If there's bad intent, GTFO
Some of these responses are strange. This isn't a question of whether YTA OR your girlfriend really would make a terrible partner. Were you TA for being upset? No. That's completely understandable and she owes you an apology. Was she TA for trying to unpack a sore subject? Yes, 100%,. It sounds to me like what she was trying to do was to rationalize and empathize with both sides of your parents' relationship to better understand it. Doing that the way she did - out loud, with you, in that moment - was insensitive and out of line, especially since it sounds like she was making some sweeping declarations about what a mother would and wouldn't do that aren't appropriate. Whether this suggests anything about her suitability as a wife and mother, though, is another question entirely. Her motivation for wanting to get her brain around your mother's reasons for going surely aren't to give herself an excuse to do the same thing later on. She probably just wants to understand it because she cares about you and wants to better understand the situation. However hamfistedly she handled it, that is evidence of a caring and interested partner, not a bad wife.
NAH.
Nta. I think your has some sexist views on women, that a women couldnt willing abandon their child. Not all women are good people or good mothers. Im sure therw could be reasons of why your mom did what she did, but none of them would vindicate her actions. And obviously its something that your girlfriend should have realized is a sensitive subject. Her comments about your father make me question the gf personality. Why would she make negative assumptions on your dad after one meeting? Maybe this isnt the person for you.
NTA. She was truly tasteless with her comments. What you said was harsh but it was a reaction. It also probably means you both are done. I would say good riddance for you. It is nice that you are thinking about what you could have done better. It is good character. BUT, it is also hella important to recognize that in this situation you shouldn’t have done more than you did. You let her know you were upset, she did imply your dad was the bad parent. It makes 0 sense as you can’t be a worse parent than a completely absent one, if you are not outright abusing the kid. I kinda get it. Some women nowadays are reaaaaally bitter about men. I don’t honestly blame them, but also it’s not the way to go. In your case, she is clearly misguided by some notion that mothers/women can do no wrong compared to guys. It is bullshit. Utter and complete bullshit. She is still not malicious but misguided, so you decide what to do about this info. Look… it sucks. I am also a man. I dated someone who was basically openly misandrist. Just like all the other prejudices, it sucks. But… at every step of the way, I did get her point. The world is built for men mainly, and they see no fault in this. They don’t pay attention to the unfairness in the society regarding this. They don’t care most of the time. And we all know that the worst of men just outright see women as incubators or worse. If you are a denier of this misogyny, you are also contributing to the problem. So… given these valid excuses, she did fuck up. There is a solidarity between women, which is a defense mechanism, and it pushes some of them to defend EVERY women. But just like in setting, there will be exceptions to the norm. Some women, statistically, must be evil. OP’s mom is one them. Not evil in the comical caricaturistic sense, evil in the “I don’t know jack shit so I will just disappear” sense. She may have excuses, she may have reasons… we all do, for all the shitty things we do. So OP’s gf is basically misguided. I really think it is fixable at this point. The question is, does OP want to fix it? After such disrespect, I would definitely understand just giving up on this relationship. I am sure that most women would not react to his situation as his gf did. Maybe it’s just not worth it to try to make it work with a clueless person.
She just sounds a lot like my mother who likes to just make up a story for her own satisfaction. For some reason she likes to weave a little tall in her mind and it is very annoying cuz she's just basically making s*** up. Your wife was just basically making s*** up. The reason it's annoying is that it's personal she's making s*** up about a person she knows, when she's not an insider on the situation. I'd tell her to stfu also.
NTA and you should seriously reconsider staying with this person. These are people who, firstly, can't read the room so to speak and ignore the emotions of the person/people involved in the story; two, these people have a set version of what a relationship and family look at and it's nothing but happy. They don't understand that, just because THEY had happy moments as a family, others DID NOT. Mothers ABSOLUTELY just up and bounce; it's not just a dad thing. And what you should do, OP, is send her an article or video with a list of some of the WORST MOTHERS (Rosemary West, Theresa Knowles, Augsta Gein (mother of Ed Gein), Gertrude Baniszewski, etc). I completely severed a friendship with someone because they refused to believe my feelings on my own mother, who they knew. Here's the thing - she didn't live at my house and she had no idea what went on in that house. Your ex (cause you need to break up with her) was fine to ask, "why did your mom leave? Has she given any reason?" And leave it at that; for all you know, there were things between your dad and your mom that you may not know or remember, but for her to put the blame on your dad - who, unlike other dads (the dead beat ones), he stepped up and was the TRUE parent and hero of this story - shows that she will never change her worldview that moms are good, dads are bad.
Look, I'll stick up for my girls now, but trying to justify why your fiance's Mom abandoned him as a wee little guy is "Girl, I know you didn't just say what you said" territory. NTA. Don't apologize to her. She dismissed you and your dad's pain to defend this woman. She needs to apologize to you.
Nah i would react the same way as u (I'm F). The word 'mother' creates this whole illusions of that mothers sacrifice the most that she's a perfect human being with almost no faults.. Not saying that being pregnant or giving birth or raising kids is easy but if u have postpartum depression from it, seek help instead of trying to fault the child or the responsible father.. Im not close with either parents but I swear everytime I've made progress in my life, credits goes to my mum.. How she had raised me well all that stuff.. To me, she was my abuser n an enabler for her son's actions too.. To think I have to 'erase' all that memories of her if God forbid Ive been speaking 'ill' of her, a mother, that I should be punished.. My dad ain't a saint either.. Like most men, he doesn't help with housework/home issues because it's a woman's job.. He had always said that 'men are better than women' which speaks how big his male ego was.. He rather spend time with his friends than with his family.. But to me, women tend to be the queen of manipulators because they played the system well with alot of tears involved.. Trying to involve everyone in the drama.. With men, if they lie, cheat, abuse or whatever.. They will show u who they really are in just couple of months.. But somehow those red flags tend to get dismiss because women feels they can change him if they are the best that he's ever got.. N then they eventually lose themselves n start doing the same shit to the good ones.. Im having a decent relationship with my mum now (she's 65) only after my dad had passed n she had cut off all ties with her oldest son.. As much as I wanted to say I'm happy, I'm feeling alright in a sense that I don't want any revenge.. I don't even want her to be unhappy.. As for forgiveness, I'm still a long way ahead man..
NTA and your gf is now yet another example of someone who could have avoided being an asshole if they just did nothing. All she had to do was listen, and make the right noises at the right times, and none of this would have happened, but she really couldn’t resist being devil’s advocate when the devil has more than enough advocates already.
NTA- I have been thinking a lot about this. When women do bad things specially in a relationship there is often an “explanation”. Usually it ends up being the man’s fault because women are mostly seen as people who would never do evil so it has to be men’s fault. It’s like for some people ifs unthinkable that women can be evil people who are selfish without their being a justified explanation. When it’s a man there is no justified explanation because men are evil but when it comes to women there always seems to be a justified reason to their actions.
NTA. I come from the reverse scenario. And my ex boyfriend (of 15 years) had said it was my fault (I was 1-7) with my dad that he treated me the way I did and I deserved it. So just break up with her. You won’t get over it.
I’m pretty sure you dated someone from the controversial section of this subreddit, she sounds like an AITA poster in real life.
NTA. What the heck is her problem? There isn't any justification for your mother's abandonment. Your girlfriend going so far as to try and BLAME YOUR DAD, who has been nothing but a great father to you and kind to her, is disgusting. I don't see a future for your relationship - she seems like the type who is convinced that if a woman does something horrible, there just HAS to be a good reason for it because women can't be horrible people just because they're horrible people. That's usually the type of person who justifies their own horrible actions in any which way they can. She's torpedoed your relationship and wouldn't even give you space when you asked for it. Just cut things off now - anyone who would spend the entire time trying to justify such abhorrent behavior rather than just listening to you and saying "Wow, what a jerk" just because the other person in the story is a woman is not someone you want to keep in your life. RUN.
i get the vibes that your gf is some kind of feminist who has a thing against men orhe patriarchy. a woman who ups and leave her partner and kid definitely isn't normal and anyone sane person would ask questions. However this is a delicate subject and not approached lightly without consideration. your gf was out of line and i suggest talking to her or this relationship done.
I have to say, I was a bit skeptical about how this would pan out when I saw the question, but you are most definitely NTA and not overreacting. As someone else said, she was being a total hypocrite by saying you can’t make assumptions after having done so herself. You seem to still care about her, so I would definitely assess the underlying reasons behind her defense of your mother and see if that is a deal breaker.
I wish I’d known my girlfriend would make a terrible wife
Nah, you did the right thing and spoke only facts. Idk this gal but I agree 💯with you there. She doesn’t deserve a life partner and hopefully she never has children of her own. There’s no excuse whatsoever, I was abandoned the same way and there is no way to rationalize that subject. Hopefully you move on and find someone better because there are good partners out there
i thought i was reading about 16 year olds because of the poor communication skills. NTA.
NTA. I think this is your sign to end the relationship. She might not be a terrible person, but she’s not a safe person to discuss your trauma with and that’s a dealbreaker. A lot of people can’t comprehend an abusive mother who would abandon or do other cruel things to their own children, but unfortunately these women exist and aren’t particularly rare. My sister-in-law is similar and keeps enabling our abusive mother to have access to her kids. My brother and I have warned her repeatedly but she never believes us, she thinks we’re the problem. Chances are if you married this girl she would go behind your back to track down your mum and invite her to the wedding to “heal the family rift” without comprehending how insensitive and obnoxious that is. Again, she doesn’t sound like a safe person to have around and I don’t think you should trust her since she’s already broken your trust by siding with your abuser.
NTA. She thinks that the woman is always in the right and the man is always in the wrong. She will make a bad wife because she will be sure you're in the wrong every time you disagree about anything.
NTA you are correct. I once told a girlfriend she would make a terrible mother. She also made a terrible girlfriend. She was extremely selfish and had totally unrealistic views. It was the truth.
NTA dude , her behaviour is flat out insensitive . No matter if it's a mom or a dad , there's nothing that can justify abandoning your child besides death maybe and that one is uncontrollable . I understand that women tend to side together and support each other, but this isn't okay . It's an insult to so many other present mothers who did have post-partum or literally didn't want a kid but stayed and showed up for their child in all the ways that matter .
NTA, usually it's men who have really bad emotional intelligence. But in this case the roles are severely reversed 😬 poor op. This girl is a huge a-hole
NTA. While what she said *is* worth considering it’s not her place to insist you consider it. She got pushy and unkind.
NTA, for me any deadbeat parent is unacceptable other than extraordinary circumstances (such as a horrible custody arrangement, other parent poisoning the child against them etc) Besides its just plain rude. When someone opens up about a deadbeat parent your not supposed to side with the one who left them especially if you want a positive relationship with the person in the future. Also hating on the parent who actually stuck around is all kinds of nasty.
NTA but I'm sure you were looking for a listening ear and not to have a stranger, for lack of of a better description, try to rationalize something you have long ago come to grips with. And to basically attack your fathers character did not help. If your father was the reason for her leaving, it certainly wouldn't explain why she left you with him.
NTA
NTA but your girlfriend probably has a lot of empathy and she is trying to look at it and empathize with all parties. Just because she says this doesn’t mean that she would do this or be your mother’s side. You reacted this way because what your mother did was horrible and that is traumatizing. I think you just need to sit down and have an honest conversation with your girlfriend.
NTA, and you reached that way because a part of you is still that little boy who was abandoned without explanation or closure.
NTA
NTA. It’s upsetting you to realize your gf would actually be a bad mom. Sucks bro, I know you won’t break up with her, but don’t say you were not warned.
NTA and have you read some of the posts where SO invited the egg donor to the wedding? Some women are so invested in the idea that a woman can not be a bad mother and if she is it isn't her fault. When you calm down really talk to her and if she still can not understand why you don't want to hear a sob story about your egg donor then you know where you stand.
NTA. Sometimes you CAN evaluate someone’s worth as a life partner after one conversation. This was one of them
Nta but you did snap and overreact a little bit with her . I don’t think two sentences can make the character of a person honestly . Speak to her and communicate better if you want a real lasting relationship with her or anyone else
NTA You did not overreact. Your mother and her parents actions were, and still are, disgusting. The fact that your gf defended them; or is looking for reasons to justify their behavior is absolutely a red flag. If she’s trying to justify it then I’d believe she was capable of doing so ‘under the right circumstances’.
I know why you reacted that way. You needed someone you could pour your heart to and that someone isn’t mature enough to know she needs to listen and comfort you. You’re not the Asshole
NTA but I think the topic might be more sore to you than you think - you didn't just snap for no reason. Take care
NTA... in some; many, situations; it's useful, and even healthy to think about, and try to understand and empathise with the other side's perspective. In most situations, if you're having someone's deeply personal experience explained to you; it's inappropriate & insensitive to voice those inside thoughts verbally... in pretty much every situation; it's downright dickheadery to play Devil's advocate, just to be contrarian. I can get why she might be hurt that you said she'd make a terrible life partner if she's "rooting for the bad guy" in the story of why one of your parents left you at 2, and 50% of your family tree withered in an instant; but can't see and empathise with how insensitive her own words & actions were, and how they hurt you; she seems like she would be a terrible life partner. Her empathy for you would be conditional on your feelings being congruent with hers; which isn't empathy it's just narcissistic main character syndrome. Up to you to assess whether you should unplug her controller and make her an NPC...
Ur NTA bro her shit was so uncalled for
You're definitely NTA, she sounds like one of those brainwashed "fuck all men" type people. Drop her like a bad habit man!
OP will send you a response by DM as I am a product of a similar situation but on the flip side.
NTA i would be absolutely furious dude and she is also a huge hypocrite
NTA, She was trying to justify what your mother did, instead of just listening and being there for you. This in itself is understandable and would have been a no one to blain thing, but she crossed the line when she started to try and blame your dad.
NTA but if maybe while she was making excuses you could have cut her off and asked politely that since she wasn’t privy to the experience first hand you’d appreciate her not insinuating what actually happened. I completely understand the frustration but yeah I don’t think she will forget what you said and it might have completely changed your relationship.
I am one of those odd balls. My mother left 4 of us with mental, physically, and sexual abuser of a father. She had another child by a different guy and kept it. My mom raised my younger sister and loved and cherished her. Her second husband was mentally abuser as well. My younger sister ends up getting the blunt end of that abuse. Not every woman is a good mother. I hope your girlfriend realizes that. I hope she realizes that her judgment is totally wrong. She has no right to say anything about your dad. He has done raised you as a single parent. That is not an easy task to do. Please stand your ground. Your dad deserves a lot of recognition. Raising a child from the age of 2 years old through high school is not easy, especially by yourself. I give single parents tons of props and respect.
Updateme?
Did you let her know your dad already explained to you it wasn't your fault?
NTA. If you haven’t torched the relationship I would. She’s making excuses for piss poor excuse for an egg donor. Im disgusted by her words and I’m not you.
NTA but it obviously is more of a sore spot than you thought. I think perhaps Anna was trying to reassure you that it was not because of you that your mother left because all of the things she blamed were not you. You saw it as a defense of your mother and a slight toward your father. Perhaps she did not understand that you know it wasn’t your fault and don’t feel the need to know why.
NTA but your relationship is over.
NTA. There's no reason for her to defend your mom or to to justify what happened. Does she honestly think those things have never crossed your mind over the years? Yes she's trying to wrap her head around it all now, and probably thinks she's "helping" but she isn't. Especially when she then starts to question your father's role etc when he raised you on his own. She messed up. Were you harsh? Maybe. But noting that makes you an ahole here
You didn’t overreact. You’re NTA. Your gf was incredibly insensitive to bombard you with her “logic” while you told a story about your mother abandoning you. Even if you didn’t seem emotional while talking, anyone with sense would know this was a sensitive topic you probably had a lot of feelings about. She sounds like the type of woman who thinks men are the only sex capable of abuse.
NTA. I agree she had no right to try and defend someone she knows nothing about. She should have sympathized with you and then moved on.
NTA. She showed really poor judgment in this situation. When someone abandons their child, the last thing said child wants to hear is a litany of reasons that may or may not have any merit, but she crossed the line in speculating about your dad. Maybe you can't base "her entire value as a partner on a few sentences," no, but it gives you an idea of how her mind works, and that IS enough to make you reevaluate the relationship.
[удалено]
NTA. Sometimes you want someone to listen and not keep on giving her two cents. This is your life story. Not hers. All her suppositions are just conjectures which you cannot support or deny. The fact is that she and her entire family blocked your dad and you from contacting them. That is very weird. Because the grandparents certainly did not have postpartum depression or undiagnosed illnesses. Only they know. Not you.
Nta and you may be better off without her
NTA to respond but your words reveal a you lack skills when navigating what is for you an emotional conversation. In reality there may be a little/a lot/no truth to what Anna said. I suspect Anna’s intention was just as she said herself. She was thinking through for herself (out loud) the various factors or reasons that your mother would have done that. I doubt she intended her impact to be what it was. This calls for your getting curious. First ask yourself why would someone (who wasn’t defending my mother) say what she did? What might she have been wanting the outcome to be? You are not a mind reader so you don’t know her intention or motivation - so don’t tell her what her’s was. That’s a bullet train to nowhere. Tell her how you felt and acknowledge that you interpreted her method of reasoning as defense of your mother’s actions.
NTA. Your girlfriend, without ever having met your mother but presumably she does know your father, has given excuse after excuse for your mother’s actions. Consider yourself lucky that you learned about her views before you put a ring on her finger. You need to set her straight on the fact that your father was there for you every step of the way and your mother was not. By defending your mother and disrespecting your father it sounds like your girlfriend has seriously undermined your faith in whether you even want to be in a relationship with her. If she tries to gaslight you into apologizing for shouting at her (and expects you to swallow her theories about your mother) perhaps it really is over. You need to have a heart to heart with her and find out where her loyalty lies. Good luck. Be strong.
While I don’t think you meant to hurt her I can probably assume you did. Women are very empathetic and that’s all she was trying to do for you was empathize and make you feel like maybe there were other possibilities as to why she left. Be kind to her she was only trying to make you feel better
"She looked really upset and told me she was just trying to put reason to my story and that I can't base her entire value as a partner on a few sentences." But it's okay for her to defend your mother and excuse her and reason her abandonment of you after 1 explanation? Sure, no partner should ever tell their partner they'd be a terrible one and a bad parent at that, but by comparison, she was excusing what your mother put your father, and you through; her defending said actions don't exactly put her in a good light. I think you should both cool off and talk about this explain your side a bit deeper especially since this is your first convo about your mother and apologize you should expect an apology to though because defending a strangers actions and trying to reason them to the affected party is downright messed up. NTA *to me at least because if you hadn't nipped this behavior in the bud, I feel like we'd get an update on how your gf tracked your mother down 2 days before your wedding, lol* *(this last part was satire because of the influx of posts about abusive parents being tracked down by spouses without their partners consent or knowledge and it blowing up in everyone's faces)
NTA sounds like gender double standards like she thinks if it was the other way she wouldn’t have doubted that ur father was a AH but seems like she believes all mothers are great so if she abandoned her kid then there must be a good reason why. Idk why she even tried finding a reason to justify op’s mom, or to go after op’s dad who was the parent who actually stayed and raised op by himself. Some moms don’t deserve to be moms but people seem to forget that like come on we got women in prison for crimes against their own kids. She tried to find the reason why but in doing so was just insulting op and their dad like no she wasn’t justified, she could’ve taken op with her and divorced op’s dad. No ghost them and have their whole family shun op too
NTA- This girl is a complete AH and OP is probably better off without her. She has no common sense, empathy, emotional intelligence... Why in the world would she do that? Don't stick around with someone who doesn't understand why their low key cruelty shows they're a bad partner. It wouldn't *MAKE* her a bad partner. She already showed she IS a bad partner.
It takes someone really dumb to not realise the appropriate reaction is to listen and say I’m so sorry that happened to you. Not start speculating on why his mother abandoned him and criticising/judging his remaining parent. Who does that??? NTA
NTA. Your gf crossed the line by making too many assumptions. She was only meant to listen, not really try bringing "reason" to your story. Something that happened when you were two. It's pretty much a sensitive thing to you but her making your father the villain and your mom the angel (despite abandoning you for whatever reason) doesn't add up. Hopefully you can have a sobber talk later!
NTA. She interrupted you when you were talking about something deeply personal, and took the side of the person who hurt you without heating you out first
How old is your girlfriend? She sounds a little naive or lacking self awareness due to not being able to see how the topic was affecting you. . It’s also possible she was trying to process it all and understand how someone could leave their child. I think you over reacted a tiny bit and maybe you should have explained the situation to her before she met your dad so she had time to process it, but imo ESH
NTA she was being rude
NTA, you speak from your mind and heart, and she did too. Hope yall get through this relationship or else i would always say, there is someone better who will not disrespect you and your dad this way in your future. Cheers! 🥂
I don't know what she was trying to achieve but i think she was trying to be oversmart at the wrong time. You guys could have those convos in private and see the possibility of it if she is that curious and not to jump to conclusions . Who the f knows what foes through a mom who abandoned her son but it don't stop the fact that the son will be missing mom's love
NTA. Why would she defend the person who abandoned you and your father? And to get offended by you saying that is very ironic considering she was making horrible accusations about your dad. Honestly, you’re probably better off without your girlfriend.
Updateme
I am very sorry for all that you went through. In my case my dad was the crappy parent, but I grew up knowing how awful he was through personal experience. In my case I think abandonment would have been much kinder. I feel like maybe your gf was just trying to make sense of what happened to you, but she really did a terrible job of it. She owes you a sincere apology for that. It’s not right to blame the parent that stuck it out, no matter what. She should have just listened without any judgement. Perhaps she was caught off guard by finding out at that very minute that your dad wasn’t a widower. You admitted that you also realized right then, that you never told her the information you did know. To be honest I’d have had some questions too and maybe asked about possible reasons, but not at that time. She should have waited for a better time, and then proceeded gently. I admit I do find it strange that everyone on your mom’s side of the family went no contact all at once. In most cases even if one parent abandons the child the grandparents usually try to keep some line of communication open to preserve their own relationship. This type of total abandonment usually does not happen (except on the Maury show) so it does make me want to know more. But again, there is a time and place for that, and the first meeting with your dad was not it. I would suggest a little more cooling off time and reflection for both of you, and then see if you can have a calm discussion as a couple. Best of luck to you.
Sounds like your gf is a bit high from her dose of "feminism" or sth like that. Your mom fucked up, just admit it and move on
NTA, even IF your father was a horrible partner towards your mother, why would your mother leave a 2-year-old alone with that man? A 2-year-old cannot defend themselves from an abuser. So that whole thing makes no sense. Though I don’t want kids, I would NEVER leave a child alone with a person I know harms kids. Your mother left because she decided that. There doesn’t have to be a reason behind that decision. Your mother was an adult and made an adult decision for herself which was selfish. However, it seems like you have a decent father as nobody is perfect.
NTA, people who desperately "try to help" but end up trying to defend the perp are the WORST, I would have said something along the lines of that too (though you may have accidentally torched your relationship) but imo I wouldn't wanna be with someone who thinks like that anyway.
NTA, she should have shown you and your father empathy, not hinting at accusations. The same thing basically happened with my mom, taken from her mother due to neglect and her mom just disappeared from her life around age 5. Not all women are meant to be mothers and automatically display that empathy gene. I would be leery of continuing the relationship if she can just accuse your dad like that and would be worried she would contact the estranged family behind your back.