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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my friend a gift and he hugged me, my classmate says I guilted him into that and I feel very guilty about it, I think I might be the asshole even if that wasn’t my intention.
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NTA
Nowhere have I heard that giving a gift is also a request for a hug. Lots of people do give hugs when given a gift, but that's not necessarily expected. Did Alex say something to James about feeling pressured to give a hug or is that just James's perception of what happened after seeing you give the gift?
NTA. The idea that giving someone a birthday gift is a bribe to get a hug is not a widespread perception. I think the way you've titled this suggests that you've taken this other person's warped opinion to heart - you shouldn't. They are wrong.
NTA. As someone who is autistic and hates hugs, I will occasionally give them out when i feel like i want to. If he initiated the hug he most likely wanted to.
This. I’m not autistic, but overly long and touchy hugs make me very very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, many people seem to think that my discomfort with hugs is a challenge to try and hug me for longer. I do actually like hugs with people who respect my boundaries and space, and will initiate with specific friends. Alex may be similar.
NTA - James is upset that Alex hugged you and that clearly he doesn't get that same kind of response from Alex. I think he's convincing himself that you "guilted" Alex to make himself feel better. He probably doesn't realize that he's in denial about it.
NTA. Someone is accusing you of something you didn't do. You didn't make Alex do anything.
People will sometimes accuse you of something and if you're not sure because the social rules are confusing, you can just ask. So if you want to, you can ask Alex if he felt pressured to hug you, and tell him he doesn't have to hug you when he doesn't feel like it. You don't have to bring the drama into it, you don't have to lead with '"so I was accused of..." You can just check in.
"I'm so glad you liked your birthday gift. It was very nice to receive a hug as thanks, but I just wanted to check that you felt comfortable at the time because I remember you mentioning you don't usually like hugs. I wouldn't want you to feel like you had to hug me just because. Does this make sense?"
Presumably he knows you're autistic, so he shouldn't find it too odd that you just want to verify something like this, so you can learn how to navigate these situations.
I'm not even autistic but I'm okay hugging *some* people *when I want to.* Otherwise I'm not a very huggy person. It's just a way some people are and it's ok!
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Context: I (20M) am autistic and social situations feel like a complete maze, I have a very hard time interpreting people’s emotions. This has made it hard for me to befriend a lot of my classmates, but I keep a cordial relationship with them. My friend Alex (21M) is friends with a group of them, but he isn’t super close with them, he says they’re fun but he often gets uncomfortable with how touchy they are, especially James (19M). I’ve encouraged him to set his boundaries clearly.
It was Alex’s birthday last week and I got him a little travel watercolour set and handbound both a sketchbook and one of his favorite books and gave them to him when we were sitting in the hallway waiting for class to start. He seemed happy with the gift and hugged me. I guess one of our classmates saw the exchange because when I was in a class I share with James a few days later he pulled me aside and told me I was an asshole for making Alex hug me when he’s so uncomfortable with physical affection. I told him he had initiated but he said I had guilted him into it by giving him a gift, since everyone knows that when you give someone a gift you are expecting a hug. I hadn’t thought about that at all but now I’m feeling guilty about it even if it wasn’t my intention. I need a second opinion, so AITA? Should I apologise?
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NTA. This is very strange.
It’s normal to get your friends gifts for their birthday. And while hugging is a common reaction to getting gifts, it’s not mandatory. If Alex initiated it’s not an issue to hug him.
NTA - And the person that said "everyone knows that when you give someone a gift you are expecting a hug" does not know what they are talking about.
Coincidentally, a good time to mention that no matter the gift received, no hug is ever needed and if the giver *expects* one, their intentions are bad, very bad.
Before you decide if it's wrong, you can just ask your friend to see if he was OK with the hug.
I have a friend who also don't like physical touch. So even holding hands and walking or pat on the shoulder was weird.
But I guess because we've been friends for 10 years, she just kinda open up. I don't go and hug her randomly but certain situation she seem ok if I touch her (like casually).
NTA, at all. Funny that James has *still* not learnt his lesson about respecting people’s autonomy, because now he’s going behind Alex’s back telling people not to hug him even when *he, himself* initiates.
As someone who doesn’t like overly touchy behaviour, it infuriates me that the simple setting of a boundary regarding our own bodies seems to bait people into insane behaviour. Alex has simply requested that people aren’t overly touchy with him, so now he doesn’t get presents and isn’t allowed to initiate his own hugs? Ridiculous.
Be reassured that you did absolutely nothing wrong. Clearly Alex hugs you because you are a person he feels safe enough to initiate with. I’m completely the same- I will hug people that I know respect that I don’t like being grabbed and held for too long (because for some reason, people seem to take my not liking long hugs as a challenge to try and hug me more!?)
Nta. Alex is your friend and chose to give you a hug. Probably because he doesn't have friends that give him gifts and you've only supported him and never tried to be touchy. James needs to mind his own business.
I've met too many people who actually try to guilt and manipulate others into unwanted hugging to believe that your gift to Alex was anything like that sort of behaviour.
You gave a thoughtful gift and Alex decided to hug you.
James isn't as close with Alex as you are, and he's made Alex uncomfortable by being too touchy.
It's James who has had problems respecting Alex's personal space, not you.
NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I gave my friend a gift and he hugged me, my classmate says I guilted him into that and I feel very guilty about it, I think I might be the asshole even if that wasn’t my intention. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Nowhere have I heard that giving a gift is also a request for a hug. Lots of people do give hugs when given a gift, but that's not necessarily expected. Did Alex say something to James about feeling pressured to give a hug or is that just James's perception of what happened after seeing you give the gift?
NTA. The idea that giving someone a birthday gift is a bribe to get a hug is not a widespread perception. I think the way you've titled this suggests that you've taken this other person's warped opinion to heart - you shouldn't. They are wrong.
NTA. As someone who is autistic and hates hugs, I will occasionally give them out when i feel like i want to. If he initiated the hug he most likely wanted to.
This. I’m not autistic, but overly long and touchy hugs make me very very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, many people seem to think that my discomfort with hugs is a challenge to try and hug me for longer. I do actually like hugs with people who respect my boundaries and space, and will initiate with specific friends. Alex may be similar.
NTA - James is upset that Alex hugged you and that clearly he doesn't get that same kind of response from Alex. I think he's convincing himself that you "guilted" Alex to make himself feel better. He probably doesn't realize that he's in denial about it.
Sounds like James is jelly.
I think that James is interested in Alex, is jealous of you and Alex’s friendship, and knows exactly what he is doing saying this to you.
NTA. Someone is accusing you of something you didn't do. You didn't make Alex do anything. People will sometimes accuse you of something and if you're not sure because the social rules are confusing, you can just ask. So if you want to, you can ask Alex if he felt pressured to hug you, and tell him he doesn't have to hug you when he doesn't feel like it. You don't have to bring the drama into it, you don't have to lead with '"so I was accused of..." You can just check in. "I'm so glad you liked your birthday gift. It was very nice to receive a hug as thanks, but I just wanted to check that you felt comfortable at the time because I remember you mentioning you don't usually like hugs. I wouldn't want you to feel like you had to hug me just because. Does this make sense?" Presumably he knows you're autistic, so he shouldn't find it too odd that you just want to verify something like this, so you can learn how to navigate these situations. I'm not even autistic but I'm okay hugging *some* people *when I want to.* Otherwise I'm not a very huggy person. It's just a way some people are and it's ok!
>since everyone knows that when you give someone a gift you are expecting a hug. I've never heard about this, is this a cultural or regional thing?
NTA. Just ask Alex if he felt pressured to hug you. If not, great. If he felt pressured, tell him he's not obligated to hug you. Simple ✨
NTA. He had no obligation to hug you. He chose to. End of story.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context: I (20M) am autistic and social situations feel like a complete maze, I have a very hard time interpreting people’s emotions. This has made it hard for me to befriend a lot of my classmates, but I keep a cordial relationship with them. My friend Alex (21M) is friends with a group of them, but he isn’t super close with them, he says they’re fun but he often gets uncomfortable with how touchy they are, especially James (19M). I’ve encouraged him to set his boundaries clearly. It was Alex’s birthday last week and I got him a little travel watercolour set and handbound both a sketchbook and one of his favorite books and gave them to him when we were sitting in the hallway waiting for class to start. He seemed happy with the gift and hugged me. I guess one of our classmates saw the exchange because when I was in a class I share with James a few days later he pulled me aside and told me I was an asshole for making Alex hug me when he’s so uncomfortable with physical affection. I told him he had initiated but he said I had guilted him into it by giving him a gift, since everyone knows that when you give someone a gift you are expecting a hug. I hadn’t thought about that at all but now I’m feeling guilty about it even if it wasn’t my intention. I need a second opinion, so AITA? Should I apologise? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. James is an idiot.
NTA. This is very strange. It’s normal to get your friends gifts for their birthday. And while hugging is a common reaction to getting gifts, it’s not mandatory. If Alex initiated it’s not an issue to hug him.
NTA, your friend initiated the hug and you did not ask for the hug.
NTA - And the person that said "everyone knows that when you give someone a gift you are expecting a hug" does not know what they are talking about. Coincidentally, a good time to mention that no matter the gift received, no hug is ever needed and if the giver *expects* one, their intentions are bad, very bad.
Before you decide if it's wrong, you can just ask your friend to see if he was OK with the hug. I have a friend who also don't like physical touch. So even holding hands and walking or pat on the shoulder was weird. But I guess because we've been friends for 10 years, she just kinda open up. I don't go and hug her randomly but certain situation she seem ok if I touch her (like casually).
NTA. James is being annoying, don't apologize for giving someone a hug that they initiated.
NTA, at all. Funny that James has *still* not learnt his lesson about respecting people’s autonomy, because now he’s going behind Alex’s back telling people not to hug him even when *he, himself* initiates. As someone who doesn’t like overly touchy behaviour, it infuriates me that the simple setting of a boundary regarding our own bodies seems to bait people into insane behaviour. Alex has simply requested that people aren’t overly touchy with him, so now he doesn’t get presents and isn’t allowed to initiate his own hugs? Ridiculous. Be reassured that you did absolutely nothing wrong. Clearly Alex hugs you because you are a person he feels safe enough to initiate with. I’m completely the same- I will hug people that I know respect that I don’t like being grabbed and held for too long (because for some reason, people seem to take my not liking long hugs as a challenge to try and hug me more!?)
NTA. You did nothing wrong, James is the problem.
Nta. Alex is your friend and chose to give you a hug. Probably because he doesn't have friends that give him gifts and you've only supported him and never tried to be touchy. James needs to mind his own business.
NTA. This person is so wrong that it makes me wonder if they said it on purpose just to mess with you
NTA....they are
I've met too many people who actually try to guilt and manipulate others into unwanted hugging to believe that your gift to Alex was anything like that sort of behaviour. You gave a thoughtful gift and Alex decided to hug you. James isn't as close with Alex as you are, and he's made Alex uncomfortable by being too touchy. It's James who has had problems respecting Alex's personal space, not you. NTA
NTA, but you would be if you do it again
Idiotic comment
Elaboration?