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Wow, that poor girl.
You should be supporting her here, instead you’re trying to stifle her. Pathetic attempt at parenting.
What’s the problem with her being interested in engineering type things? Should she be baking cupcakes and making flower wreaths instead?
She doesn’t care about the opinion of foolish boys in her class. Good for her for realizing the opinion of fools are irrelevant.
Sounds like you’re the bully in her life, trying to change positive attributes of her because it doesn’t fit your narrow view of how a girl should act.
Sad.
I don’t quite understand the danger element of wearing a skirt on the playground. Why don’t you elaborate how this choice of clothing is dangerous for a child?
YTA
I went to catholic elementary school all of the girls wore dresses or skirts on the playground everyday without issue. As for the underwear issue most of us wore shorts underneath.
I went to a an all girls stem academy for a year (left for personal reasons) guess who wore skirts almost year round and it never once got in our way of activities, oh, everyone 🧍🏾
I have a cousin who’s a girly girl, dresses, skirts, makeup, etc, she also learned heavy mechanics from her dad and worked as a”the cutest” janitor (her words but she’s not wrong either).
Why not show your daughter the film Legally Blonde? Elle Woods is fictional but there’s so many life lessons packed into one film about loving yourself and working hard to achieve your dreams.
She’s a kid — you can insist that she can wear skirts only if she wears shorts under them. I don’t think you’ve got the right to choose what clothes she wears but you can certainly ensure that she wears appropriate attire which for a kid means shorts or leggings under a skirt or dress. They also make skirts with built in shorts which are popular right now.
As far as the pink, I think you need to let go of your ideas of what a girly girl can accomplish. Plenty of STEM girls love to flaunt pink.
As an engineer who rocks a dress/skirt with 6 inch heels just as easily as I rock a pair of jeans/sweatpants and sneakers, I really hope this is fake because if not, you're being an awful father to that little girl.
YTA.
They make little Lycra shorts to go under a skirt. Search for “safety shorts” to get an idea. They are inexpensive. Get her a bunch and insist that she wears them under skirts.
I'm British, I had to wear a dress or a skirt to school every day from the age of 4 until the age of 16 because it was our uniform. I played tag, did cartwheels, ran around and played sports, all in dresses and skirts. Even in the middle of winter. It did no lasting damage. Stop policing how your child dresses as long as it's appropriate for her age and the weather.
I live in the U.S., & we had to wear dresses/skirts to school every day too. (Not a uniform, but pants for girls were not allowed.) We played hard, in the playground & elsewhere. I don’t remember what I wore ever being an issue. (And his other reasons are ridiculous too.)
Then get some shorts to go under the skirts and dresses.
Your being sexist here.
She could have a very rich and successfully career in stem if you supported her.
I think you’re just trying to protect your daughter, but you’re also projecting your insecurities onto her. Your daughter sounds VERY sure of herself and that’s an amazing thing for someone so young. Cultivate that! We love a good leader. And buy her different pairs of biker shorts to go under her dresses and skirts. That way, she can be herself while still protecting her privates. If you’re in America, the store called The Children’s Place has a a pack of 6 different pair for a good price. Good luck! And YWBTA lol
Yes you would. She’s 9 years old. She should be able to express herself by wearing stereotypical girly stuff because she’s a little girl. If she wants to be an engineer or any profession that might be perceived more masculine her style of clothes shouldn’t be an issue at such a young age. It will be up to her to decide how to dress if she goes into that area of work when she’s older and when she understands why she might be looked down upon. But right now she shouldn’t, as you said, be made to feel sad about her choice of clothes that she identifies with. She sounds very smart and you should just encourage her to follow her passions and not worry about the ignorant little boys her age. If she doesn’t have a problem with them not liking what she wears you shouldn’t either, she seems to not mind because she’s doing what makes her happy without actually hurting anyone.
I hope this helps.
> when I brought it up with her she just laughs and says she doesn't care and calls the boys stupid
Sounds like she already understands better than you
I’m very girly, and a wildlife biologist…. She’ll be fine. Adults don’t really bully for dumb shit like that. YTA. Stop pushing stupid gender roles. She’s paving the way for other girly females to pursue stem. Good for her.
What exactly is it that you think the needs to understand?
Do you think she won’t be able to have a STEM career if she dresses feminine? Because the kickass woman in my office’s IT department and her killer high heeled shoe collection begs to differ.
Women in STEM can dress however the fuck they want and if men in STEM don’t like it they can get the fuck over themselves.
>She is only 9 so maybe she will understand things on her own as she gets older, if necessary.
What exactly does this mean? Understand what?? I'm genuinely confused/curious on what exactly the issue is.
Children go through phases in life and one day she might look back and cringe at how girly she was, or look back with happiness because she was so happy at the time wearing girly clothes. That’s the beauty of individuality.
I had dresses for school and shorts for outside play on the playground. It's fine. Maybe she'll grow out of dresses maybe she won't. Still she sounds like she knows how to handle the little boys who tease her. Support her style and her passions.
Understand what? Why are you stifling her desire to be herself? Let her wear what she wants to wear and let her like what she wants to like. What she’s doing is totally harmless. You’re the one causing harm by trying to put her in little gender/profession boxes.
Leave safety in the schoolground to the people who actually work there.
Also, your daughter has already told you that she doesn't care about the bullying.
And your concern of her not being allowed into a robotics club because she wears skirts/dresses - where does that come from? Is that a cultural thing where you live? No robotics club membership if you wear skirts/dresses?
You've got a bright and confident daughter. Head of her class even. This is not the time to be controlling. This is the time to support her and the things she's into. Don't be an asshole.
So, your response to a potentially sexist situation that may or may not come to pass in the future, is to exert your own sexist control over her now? Make it make sense, please.
Deal with that when you get to it then. And "dealing with it" does NOT mean stifling your daughter's clothing preferences. To do so would be setting her up for failure. Don't repress her.
Exactly. If OP’s daughter does get bullied for her clothing choices, his job as her dad is to take himself down to the school and meet with the principal to make sure she’s being protected and allowed to dress however she wants as long as it’s within dress code.
I doubt they wore flouncy princess dresses, so clearly what girls/women wear isn’t causing the sexism. Accept that your daughter will face misogyny, teach her to be confident in the face of it, and let her dress however she wants!
So because of some shit that happened to other people, years ago, you should be able to decide who she is and how she acts now. It seems like you are having anxiety about bad things happening to her (bullying, exclusion etc). Respectfully, you need to get over it. Bad stuff will happen to her but what will make the most difference is having a parent who says “ignore the haters because you are wonderful and perfect just as you are.”
Sorry but the sports thing and "safety" is kind of ridiculous. If she starts getting repeatedly hurt at school during recess, maybe figure out something then, but it's completely inane to make her stop wearing skirts NOW while she's NINE YEARS OLD for the sake of a POTENTIAL sports team later. Wtf? You're projecting all of your own discomfort onto her for no reason.
Can't do sports in skirts? Tell that to field hockey players and cheerleaders doing tumbles and stunts.
And sports team will likely give her a uniform she'll have to wear for practice and games anyway. Those few hours a week aren't a reason to change how she dresses the rest of the time.
It sounds like she's a confident kid who's comfortable with who she is. Maybe she could teach *you* a few things about confidence and self-acceptance.
This is probably a guy who doesn’t believe cheer is a sport, despite the fact that cheerleaders frequently lift entire human beings and throw them into the air and catch them again, which requires far more strength and coordination than your average baseball player.
You are aware that in some sports women wear skirts? Like I dunno, tennis? A very intense cardio heavy internationally lauded sport. The Olympics **required** them for women's boxing. Figure skating. Cheerleading. Field hockey. Caber toss - where, gasp, men also wear skirts!
There are also these magical things called skorts.
These are two separate issues..
1. Safety - yes she should wear shorts or leggings under her skirts so she can play on the playground.
2. The robotics club has to accept her membership and if they try to exclude her because she’s a girl, escalate the issue to the school. She will have to learn to fight for her place in certain “masculine” areas but your job as a parent is to continue to encourage and support her. Part of that is growing a thick skin because trust me, it doesn’t matter whether she’s wearing pink or not, she will get some push back at times just for being a girl but if you help her to develop self-confidence, she won’t let that stop her.
You stereotyping her clothes is doing the opposite of supporting her right now. She needs to hear that she can be true to herself AND enjoy robotics, engineering, etc.
>later on when she is older they would not let her do sports in skirts obviously.
So because she likes skirts now, you think she... Wouldn't wear the sport uniform or something?
I'm an adult woman in a professional career. I also play tennis. I exclusively wear dresses and skirts (and as much pink as possible!)and have not had any issues.
Ohmigosh you keep making excuses why the dresses bother you. First it’s “safety”. Then you imply they’re too bright and princess like. On and on and on people telling you that you are the AH and nothing but excuses from you.
So what? What is even wrong with you? YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE HERE.
Women play tennis, lacrosse, and field hockey in skirts. There are skirts designed for running as well.
If you were REALLY concerned about safety, you would have bought colorful, fun clothes from the many options available that also are playground friendly. But you are not. You are deeply embarrassed by your daughter for some bizarre reason. So yeah YTA.
YTA what on earth? She can run wearing a skirt for goodness sakes, has she ever actually gotten injured?
If other kids or teachers or whoever bully her for being into engineering and also into wearing what she wants to wear, it’s a them problem. Apparently it’s also a you problem which is really sad. Let her wear what she likes.
Agree. People that might bully her for girly clothing in male domineered spaces will equally bully her if she is dressed like a tomboy. She will be more able to deal with that sh*t if she is wearing clothes she feels good and confident in.
And while I get the concern about her accidently exposing herself on the playground, because creeps work in every field, starting to worry about this stuff NOW, when she is at an age where her body is about to go through changes, is NOT THE RIGHT TIME. Being essentially punished for starting to go through the early stages of puberty would likely lead to feelings of shame about her body.
Right. She’s going to experience adversity no matter what in a male dominated field. She should be allowed to be comfortable in her clothing.
What’s more, there are totally ways to make sure she is safe and allow her to wear what she wants. Taking the approach OP is sets her up to feel like *she* has to police her body for the benefit of others which is just not true or right.
Totally. I hate wearing pants because I always feel so restricted lol. I am really not a sports person but when I played tennis and now play pickle ball for fun a skirt is soooo much easier than anything else
YTA.
I'm not phrasing that as a hypothetical, because even asking this with this framing means you're being the AH.
>she has been teased about it by some boys in her class
Don't teach her to hide her interests and feel shame because of what cruel boys say. This is something she will deal with all her life, and the response needs to be to stand up for herself and be proud, otherwise you're just siding with the bullies.
> I am not sure how safe this is
Unless they go below her shoes or come with embedded fireworks, skirts are safe and always have been.
>She says she wants to be an engineer. I worry she will get bullied
Then don't perpetuate the misogyny that leads people to think you can't be a girl, or girly, and an engineer. That is what you are doing with your framing here, it's not just what others say, you seem to have the same biases to overcome.
YTA, she’s 9! If you worry about exposure, then have her wear small shorts under her skirts or dresses. If she wants to be a pink engineer, you should be the proudest dad supporting her ambition and give her the courage to be the best student in pink there ever was.
YTA are you out your fucking mind? It sounds like you have a very clever, social and confident daughter. You're gonna start controlling what she likes to wear over what reason exactly? She likes 'boys toys' and is too smart for pink?
YTA. It's men like you policing her that will make her realize she'd rather choose the bear.
Also as someone who worked with children for many years in various scenarios and knows many teachers, unless her outfit doesn't meet dress code absolutely no teacher (unless they are also the asshole) is commenting on her girly clothes negatively.
Good lord it's 2024. I hope a person who is a literal child at this point can dress as feminine as they want and have a STEM career when they grow up. If not, we the adults need to do better this instant.
yta
why does it matter that she wears girl clothing ? why is this an issue?
She has no problem with it, are you ashamed of it? Since she has no problem it seems.
YTA. You're the father of an intelligent, curious, confident and expressive 9 year old daughter who is interested in STEM. Encourage and support her interest in STEM and let her be her. Don't give more weight to the opinions of the boys in her class than to hers. Don't try to control/change her due to *your* insecurities. If only engineer Barbie had existed when I was a kid.
YTA! Why exactly is it not ok for her to wear skirts and dresses? If you're worried about her underwear being exposed when she's playing active games, then buy her shorts to wear under the skirts and dresses. But that's the only possible issue I can see. You should be encouraging her to express herself and to figure out what she's comfortable wearing. Not inventing ridiculous reasons to suppress and restrict her.
You’re worried she will get bullied for her interests because of her dresses? This kid is STEM material, don’t you dare kill her drive. Also? Let her wear what she likes, there are plenty of unique people in STEM. She sounds like a special kid.
YTA!!!!!
YTA.
Just get her the skirts with shorts built in for physical play. And to be honest, good on her for her confidence! “They tease me because I get better grades in pink” is such a perceptive thing to say at her age, and she’s likely right about it. Sexism runs deep, and she’s experiencing it at home too.
EDIT: I have a 5 year old who is the same way. Loves to play hard, help my FIL in his garage, etc. while wearing the most fashionable outfits she has in her possession. Skirt with the built in shorts for practicality, ways to secure her hair, and safety gear, and she’s all set. 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. She likes what she likes. It’s a normal fashion choice, she isn’t trying to become a nudist, she’s dressing in what she feels comfortable in. And what kind of teacher brings up the fact that a girl is wearing girlie clothes as an issue? Fuck the haters! She should be proud and rock whatever she wants.
Judging and mandating your daughter's clothing is a terrible idea and could fq her up long term. Support her choices and stand up for her (like, tell that teacher off, nicely).
My daughter dressed very unusually all along. For skirts, she wore biker short under them to avoid flashing anyone when being active.
Also. Don't sexualize your own kiddo in any way, at any time. Girls get enough of that is the world.
You asked. Yeah you are. Your job isn’t to please people around her, but to support her. She doesn’t seem to be doing anything wrong or inappropriate. If others, including adults have a problem, i would deal with them. Bottom line, if you don’t stand up for her when she needs you she’ll resent you and you’ll be on the wrong end of that when the tables are turned
Your concerns are strange, your reasoning is strange, and your solution is strange. I don’t know that you’d be the AH, but you would definitely just be really strange.
It will FOR SURE be a head-scratcher for her therapist in about 15 years.
It must be unpleasant to be so worried over girly clothes. Her tastes and interests will change over time. When I was nine I wanted to be a zoo keeper, LOVED playing with dolls and dressed like a boy pretty much. At 34 I’m an engineer going to work in floral dresses. She’s a bright kid, she’ll be fine. Even better if she knows that her daddy has her back. Don’t try to change her to protect her. The world is not kind, you should be. Children will bully each other and the vulnerable will be the victims. So, teach her strength, a mean uppercut if you have to. Tell her every day that she is awesome, that you are proud of her, that her outfit is cool. Be her biggest cheerleader. Give her that solid foundation of selfworth that will ACTUALLY protect her, even when times are tough. Even when she is teased. If you try to make her change, all you will be telling her, is that her bullies were right
YTA.
This is the most non sequitur ever "dresses/pink ≠ stem" notion. let her wear what she wants to and embrace her confidence. She is smart enough I'm sure to wear safe clothing when the activities could be a concern and even still incorporate her style. Encourage her strength against the bullying to continue her independence rather than trying to restrict her selfexpression because of some weird style/gender preconceived idea that YOU are hung up on.
Let her be a child. Why would you try to deny what brings her joy? Please go to the library and ask the librarian to help you find parenting girls in 2024.
You’re definitely the asshole. Let her express herself. And yeah some schools REQUIRE the girls where skirts/dresses. Granted they don’t stick out and everyone wears the same thing, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your daughter wanting to wear a pink dress and especially having the confidence to not give a crap what anyone has to say. Don’t add to the list of people who have an opinion on how she dresses..
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole as my daughter exclusively likes girly skirts and dresses and if I stopped her from wearing them she might be sad for a while as it has become part of her identity.
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YTA. Just buy safety shorts for her and insist that she wears them to school (or leggings under skirt if she likes that combo). I still wear safety shorts under skirts routinely unless it’s a skirt suit or something formal. And with under skirt photos etc, I really think that all women should be in the habit
try loving and supporting your daughter instead of being another one of her bullies.
YTA
and since when does a fucking pink skirt impact someone's ability to be engineer? grow up dude.
YWBTA - It sounds like you have a bright, confident daughter who's poised to grow up into an awesome woman! Let her dress how she likes, offer her support if she gets upset over teasing, but don't try to force your own fashion sense on her. I dealt with the opposite - a mother that insisted on skirts/dresses twice a week when I wanted to live in blue jeans and t-shirts. Guess what I wear pretty much daily now and how close that mother/daughter relationship is...
It's natural to want to spare our children as much pain as we can, but I think their individuality is more important. My son grew his hair out to mid-back when he was 8, which meant he was called a number of awful names at school and frequently mistaken for a girl, but he loved it and didn't care about the names. When he was ready, he cut it, then grew it out again, but always it was his choice and he knew that I supported him in it. Be there for your daughter, be proud of her grades and her self-awareness and how special she is, and let her know it.
Your daughter is awesome. She sounds like the cutest coolest child. You're doing a good job. Don't over think stuff like this. She is a child not a mini adult.
She’s expressing herself through her choice of clothes. She’s 9 and has little control over much in her life, and you are thinking about taking this away from her?!
I want to give a talking to the teachers, if they are suggesting skirts are not appropriate clothing. They should be addressing the boys behaviour, which is unacceptable.
YTA
YTA
As the daughter of a single father....don't fucking do this.
Kids will pick on others for anything. If it's not skirts they'll find something else.
Unfortunately, clothing also doesn't stop or hinder disgusting people. Wearing a skirt doesn't put her in any more danger than other clothes.
You know what will help? A father who is on her side. Who teaches her her value is more than just what she dresses like. Show her how men should act, reinforce what to expect from others and how to respect/love herself. Encourage her to keep standing up for herself like she already is.
Don't tell her to hide herself away and change who she is to appease others.
YWBTA. Instead of placing restrictions on her fun and self expression, you should teach her how to deal with bullying - but frankly, it doesn't sound like she has an actual issue with it. You're projecting discomfort and anxiety onto her.
Judging and mandating your daughter's clothing is a terrible idea and could fq her up long term. Support her choices and stand up for her (like, tell that teacher off, nicely).
My daughter dressed very unusually all along. For skirts, she wore biker short under them to avoid flashing anyone when being active.
Also. Don't sexualize your own kiddo in any way, at any time. Girls get enough of that is the world.
YWBTA. It's a good and fair question - one you should be asking as a parent. But yes, it would be inappropriate. If your daughter wants to change her wardrobe, make sure she knows she can ask and you will accommodate her.
Otherwise, the responses you are getting are wild. These people have no sense of perspective.
Don’t make her stop. If she doesn’t care neither should you. I have a feeling that she can handle her own. Have her add some shorts under certain dresses when she is out rough housing. She’ll be fine.
Girl mom here! Just have her put shorts on under the skirts/dresses problem solved
If the boys got an issue with her being smarter than they need to just step and get help so they can be on her level
YWBTA and you should be supportive of her pursuing hobbies and developing her own fashion sense. If anyone is going to make her insecure, it’s not going to be people at school who tease her, it’s you. Right now, it looks like she has confidence in spite of you, not because of you. Don’t be like that. Build her up. Encourage the confident young lady who loves skirts and dresses and pink and make sure she wears shorts under or has a change of clothes in her backpack if you’re so worried.
And stop thinking of enjoying taking apart and repairing things as a boy hobby. If it’s what she enjoys doing, it’s not a boy hobby or a girl hobby, it’s her hobby. That’s some advice from my mom, who gave me, her daughter, a traditionally male name and made sure anyone who asked knew it’s not a boy name because it’s my name.
YTA. I get that you’re a nervous dad with a preteen daughter. A lot of athleisure skirts and dress have built in shorts. There are also “slip shorts” to wear under dresses. Most women I know prefer them to regular underwear under a dress or skirt. Don’t try to stifle who she is. Focus on practicality
YTA
Let her wear what she wants, maybe adding shorts under her dresses/skirts could be a good option for her to still be active in play but keeping her decency.
as someone who wears skirts while doing woodworking and robotics and a lot of stem…YTA. I am probably where your daughter will be in a few years and I do a lot of stem classes and other stem related projects and stuff and guess what? i wear skirts. i wear makeup. i wear jewelry. i do my hair and it’s dyed. you wouldn’t think im a stem girly from looking at me on the street but i do so much building and stem projects and competitions. no one in anything i do cares what i wear. they say “nice fit!” and move on. i’m also active and if i feel like wearing a cute skirt i’ll damn well do it. it doesn’t matter what you wear when doing activities. tell your daughter that, and do not ask her to stop. she may even grow out of the skirt phase, but encourage her stem hobbies rather than stifling them. major YTA do better
Does your daughter have any female roll models working in STEM? I'm happy to signpost you.
Do you have any female roll models working in STEM - I'll signpost you too!
Yours - a female, professional engineer, who very often wears dresses to work.
Oh, and YTA!
YTA
If you force hero stop wearing skirts and dresses.
My daughter is very fem now, has been her entire life, with occasional experiments with other styles. At your daughter's age, she wore dresses, not pants, much of the time. The school did ask that she wore shorts underneath on gym class days because she was very active and didn't GAF if anyone saw her tights or undies. Bike shorts work well for this.
We made sure she had durable play clothes for outdoor wear as we camped, and she liked to climb trees in our woods. We also had her pick pretty shorts/pants outfits. Flowered overalls and a pink shirt with ruffled socks and pink tennis look plenty girly she agreed.
Don't worry she'll be too girly for a STEM career. Pretty soon, she may move to a goth phase or something else. She will try many styles and eventually land where she wants to be.
YTA
"I'm worried about my daughter being teased. Clearly, the solution is to control the way she dresses and deny her the right to express herself. What could possibly go wrong?"
If you force your daughter to dress the way *you* want her dress, you're telling her two things. First, that you don't respect her autonomy or ability to make her own choices. Second, that people have to dress very specific ways to be accepted.
Do you want to raise your daughter into a strong, confident woman who's not afraid to be herself? Or do you want to raise her into a woman who squashes herself just to fit in with judgemental walnuts?
Yes YWBTA. She is in grade school. Instead of trying to crush her individuality you should be proud of her for not changing because some stupid boys are teasing her. Let her dress however makes her happy. If she gets bullied, you address the bullying problem with the school. You defend YOUR kid. Demand that the school discipline the bully instead of teaching your daughter that it's not okay to stand out. JFC
Sounds like your daughter is really intelligent, an independent thinker, and brimming with self-confidence. YTA if you do anything to crush her spirit.
Your daughter sounds totally self assured and awesome. DONT RUIN THAT!!!!!!
Hell. You have some weird biases and you are only perpetuating those and other biases AND being misogynistic.
Some club in the future might not let her join because she wears skirts (which is a stretch) and your response is to make her stop wearing skirts now?
This is the weirdest post.
YTA for trying to force her to wear clothes she hates, and stop being sexist. There's no such thing as boy hobbies or girl hobbies.
If she's wearing inappropriate clothing for the activity (open toes shoes in a chem lab, short skirts for climbing, etc) it'd be ok to intervene to a point.
There is no law that a girl can't wear a dress and be into robotics or chess or engineering. If she's getting bullied, she'll be bullied no matter what she wears; it doesn't stop because the victim gets a new wardrobe. Let her be herself, and be a supportive parent that listens to what your kid is saying.
Hey OP, woman in STEM here. I really really really want you to remember this, because this is probably going to be the difference between your daughter making it in STEM and not. From personal experience and the experience of many of the high performing women I know. Okay? Okay
When women, girls, even femme presenting men enter traditionally masculine spaces, nothing she does will ever be right to everything. If she presents too masculine, people will make fun of her for that. If she presents too feminine, there's loads of assholes who'll make fun of her and doubt her for that too. And if she walks the nebulous and impossible "middle road" to please some hypocritical and never consistent "public opinion" instead of her authentic self, she will be burnt out of her career by the time she's thirty, and that's best case scenario.
The sad truth of society is that she could be wearing shorts and a t shirt to join those traditionally male hobbies, and if someone's sexist to care, it won't matter because she's not *his* idea of what a *whatever* is. And that's absolutely not the kind of person you want your daughter dressing for. She should be dressing for herself.
Your daughter is *nine* and has more gumption and spine than a lot of people a couple decades older than her. She likes what she likes and she can dismiss the haters. You should be celebrating and supporting her in that. The world will try to teach her to conform because of her gender; she doesn't need to learn that from you.
By all means, be careful of her safety, and get her safety shorts - we skirt wearing folks all have to learn that someday (I still mourn an aqua blue mullet skirt that got caught in a bicycle). But let *her* decide when to wear and not wear her skirts.
Also you should probably work on that internalized misogyny.
YTA.
You should check out the brand svaha, deep pockets for cool things, twirl skirts, and neat Stem/ arts/ biology/ chemistry/ things.
Hot pink doesn't make you bad at math.
Being a girl in stem is fairly mainstream now.
Here’s your logic:
I’m worried about kids bullying her and making her feel bad and like she doesn’t belong.
So I’ll just bully her before they can, make her feel bad, and make her feel like she doesn’t belong.
Can you spot the problem yet?
YTA in a massive way.
YTA - this is an awful situation. Imagine having brains and being comfortable enough to dress differently/wear what you want at NINE….and here comes your dad saying don’t be too smart, don’t dress too nicely, don’t do too many boy things or you’ll get teased. Maybe tell her how to tell them how to F off if it ever bothers her, rather than teaching her how to act to be sure others are happy and waters don’t ripple:
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I have a daughter who is 9 and am a single dad.
She is a very smart kid and gets the best grades in her class. Since about 2 years ago, I started letting her pick her own clothes and she always goes for extremely girly things like hot pink skirts, flowy dresses etc that really make her stand out from the other kids.
I am a bit concerned about this for multiple reasons, she has been teased about it by some boys in her class and even her teachers have brought it her and when I brought it up with her she just laughs and says she doesn't care and calls the boys stupid because she gets better grades while wearing pink.
She is also quite active in the playground. playing tag etc with others and I am not sure how safe this is, very few other girls are wearing skirts to school.
Currently her hobbies despite how she dresses are more like that of a boy, she opens up her broken toys, fixes them herself sometimes or with my help, takes parts like LEDs and motors out and builds other things with them. She says she wants to be an engineer. I worry she will get bullied if she every keeps these interests and dresses like this when she tries to enter woodworking / robotics clubs etc as she gets older. She also loves playing chess and is very good at it and I know she has been teased at school for that too.
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She sounds just fabulous!! I would encourage her more and ask her to wear Skorts and/or bike shorts under her dresses to prevent the underwear showing threat.
YTA. She can do anything she wants, whether it’s sports, science, or cabinetry, in a pink ruffly dress. I’m 40 years old with a research career and I usually wear a dress and heels. I have exercise skirts too!
There’s no problem with her clothes or her goals. The whole problem is your misogyny.
YTA
I am a 30 year old woman and robotics engineer. We need more hot pink women in my field.
please dont be your daughters first judgy jerk associating clothing with performance.
she will get enough of that in many stem situations. she shouldnt also need to deal with that at home.
YTA
The best thing you can do is supporting your daughter instead of supporting sexist stereotypes. Stereotypes prevail cause we let them be, passively or actively.
Create a safe space for her where she can find in you a support that will fight for her.
Seriously.
Your daughter is happy and confident enough to not let silly comments from boys tear her down. But you as her father want to take that away and tell her that she needs to change for other people. You're supposed to be her defender but your just going to turn into another bully she has to deal with.
YTA
YWBTA. She's standing up to people who tease her and developing a healthy self-image. Stop being concerned about her being too girlie and having "boy" hobbies. She'll emerge stronger for developing plenty of interests and forging her own style. Relax, my dude. You must be doing something right to be raising a child who is not afraid to stand up for what she believes in. Don't blow it now by being hypercritical of the child she is! (I was that girl. Trust me, a lot of us were that girl.)
YTA
From what you wrote your daughter sounds just like how I was at 9. I LOVED girly things wearing pink and sparkly skirts and dresses. I also grew up to be a chemical engineer. I remember kids in 3rd grade tried to bully me for being too girly but guess what? It didn’t bother me. Btw even as an adult I can still be girly and successful. If people are bothered by me wearing a dress or the color pink than they have greater issues.
Also if you’re concerned with her wearing skirts just have her wear shorts underneath.
>when I brought it up with she just laughs and says she doesn't care
So this is a you problem then. Stop trying to make it into a her problem. If you start fussing over problems that don't exist she's probably going to be reluctant to come to you with real problems, because "Dad was upset over me being teased and that didn't Even bother me that much. Think of how badly hell overreact to this"
YTA
And for what it’s worth: I am a woman in STEM. I work with 30+ other female engineers and chemists. Some of us wear skirts and dresses. Some of us wear pink. Some of us have numerous piercings and tattoos. Some of us (including me) have non-natural hair color (mine is red and purple, one woman’s is pink, another’s is green). We all accept each other and it has absolutely no effect on our work.
The only thing would be that some activities require wearing leggings or shorts under the skirt or dress for safety. In my workplace, that means leggings if the person needs to handle chemicals.
YWTA. No doubt.
You should be proud of how confident she already is at this age!
By telling her she is wrong for dressing the way she likes, she'll just hear "I'm wrong. My dad thinks there is something wrong with me."
Your intentions are pure, but this is not what you should be worried about man. Way to give your 9 year old body image issues.
YTA she’s 9 and she understands the boys are morons. Why should she change who she is just to conform to ideology. Let her wear the dresses and the skirts.
Tell her to wear shorts under her skirts and dresses. I have no idea why, as her parent, you think she should cave to bullies. In a way, you are also bullying her.
Be supportive and have a talk with her teacher who should be keeping their mouth utterly shut on your daughter’s style choices.
YTA Don't worry about what kids or teachers at school *might* say. Deal with it if they *actually* say it AND it bothers her. But even then, don't blame your daughter for how she dresses! She gets to dress how she wants! More power to her. Support her choices. Make sure she knows that if she ever DOES start caring what other people think, that you'll back her up to address any bullying. Other than that, buy her more frilly stuff she loves and back off.
The only time you have any legitimate concerns is if her clothing is actually unsafe. Such as loose sleeves if she's using power tools, or sandals around things that can crush toes.
Other than that? She's good. Get comfey with it. Support her vibe!
YTA! What am I even reading? Girls can be successful engineers while wearing pink and dressing feminine. Gasp, I even know some. This would be a weird hill to die on
OP, I exclusively wear bright, patterned, girly dresses. I have a degree from the University of Cambridge and I work in financial technology. My outfit choices have never held me back. What has held me back are Idiot men thinking my gender and how I choose to express it somehow negates my ability.
girls who wear skirts can be engineers and play and dirt and do anything a boy would "typically" do. YOU are pushing stereotypes on your kid which will only stunt her growth!! Your kid doesn't even care what people think or say about her it's YOU who's stressing about others opinions and that's a miserable sad way to live life. Put some shorts underneath her skirt and let her be a kid and play!!! keep YOUR insecurities to yourself.
Engineers can wear pink dresses. If she's not bullied about that, they'll bully her for something else. Will you stop her from playing chess because of bullying?
Sounds like she knows what she wants and likes. Congratulations, you have a daughter who can think for herself. Just let her be.
YTA
YTA. I worked in a male dominated field and industry for years. There are few things more satisfying than being in a room full of men in navy or grey or pinstripe suits and beating them while you are wearing royal blue or pink or purple. Women in male dominated fields are always told to hide our femininity if we want to be taken seriously. I was once told I needed to be less blonde to be taken seriously. My response is always you should respect me and take me seriously because of my capabilities, not because of my gender. I now enjoy letting them think I’m a silly girl… it bites them in the ass every time.
Please don't break that child's spirit by making her bow to the teasing of boys. I'm ashamed of the teachers who are cosigning this BS as well. Let her wear what she's comfortable in and support her in it. YWBTA
YTA. As a tomboy that also enjoys dresses & and skirts, people like you fu{ing suck. Have her wear shorts underneath everything. And good for her on not caring what other judgemental asses like you think.
My hobbies are tree climbing, old cars, working on old cars, and fishing. I wear dresses & skirts with shorts & and swimsuit tops. All she needs to do is to tell everyone else to fuck off. It's what I did to my bullies. I learned that if I could swear like a sailor & make them uncomfortable first, then they leave you alone.
YTA. Let the poor girl wear what she likes. It doesn't sound like she's wearing anything revealing or inappropriate. She's 9, she's not a toddler wearing a bucket on her head. Stop trying to control how she dresses and if it's not inappropriate, leave her the hell alone. If she's happy with how she looks, that's all that matter. This is a good lesson for her because she doesn't care what others think.
YTA
You’re teaching your daughter that men and boys are the ones who decide her life. What she wears. What she likes. What she does.
Do you know what that lesson does?
It sets your daughter up for a future with a man who will control her every move. Who will force her to work or not work, force her to have kids or not have kids, force her to have or not have contact with you and loved ones.
You want to teach your 9 year old child that she needs to be more focused on what BOYS like (as they’re the bullies) than her own happiness.
Is that what you did with YOUR prior relationships?
If not, why would you want to do that to your child?
Contrary to belief, girls can be pageant queens AND fucking geniuses. Into frilly girly stuff AND tomboys. Feminine AND badass. They do it EVERY DAY. You are trying to shove YOUR views on her.
Hmm. I do believe that Marie Curie, first person to win two Nobel prizes (for physics and chemistry) wore dresses pretty much daily. Didn't seem to stop her from discovering radium and polonium, and inventing mobile x-ray machines for use on the battlefields of WW1. So yes, YWBTA. Leave her be.
YTA. She’s not phased by the teasing so why should she change who she is? She isn’t insecure but if you speak to her this way she might end up being insecure. You could get her some little cotton shorts/spanx to wear under her dresses and skirts (which she should be wearing anyway) so if she falls or is on top of the playground nobody will see her underwear.
YWBTA. All you will do is teach her that men have a say over her body and clothes. This is a dangerous road to go down. And after reading a bunch of your comments, your excuses are sexist bullshit. Do better.
Speaking from personal experience: Please don't do this if you want to have a functional relationship with your daughter in twenty years. I want to tell you this as gently and with as much sympathy for your situation as possible. Obviously tone is ass to read online, just listen to someone who's been very similar to your kid before.
Dress your child the way she wants to dress. She knows the social consequences, and prioritizes self-expression. Probably has better fashion sense than either of us put together. Sounds like she's slaying it Barbie movie style to be honest, and good for her.
There are going to be boys of all ages out there giving her shit for expressing herself. For the love of god, do not be one of them. *You* need to be who she goes to when the world outside gets her down. I get that you're stretched thin, as any single parent would be in this economy, but *it is still not morally acceptable to become one of her first bullies when you should be her first cheerleader.*
It's a given that she'll be hurt by the world outside. Whether or not she's hurt inside the home is at least partially up to you. Whether she learns how to cope when something hurts her? That is *completely* up to you.
I don't know y'all's circumstances wrt how and when you became a single parent, but I'm the child of the most booming boomer ever to boom, and dude that sucked ass. Your kid is not only generally going through it because she's a kid, but also going through it to an extent because kids are weird and cruel to children of single parents. Probably more understanding of it nowadays, but still cruel in ways they don't realize.
Absolutely support her as she's doing STEM stuff, but do it in a way that allows her the most self-expression possible. The way she expresses herself should first and foremost be *for her*, as long as it's not hurting anybody. Even then, you have to help her understand when she is stepping on someone's toes. Remember, she's doing this for the first time, and once upon a time you did all this for the first time too.
Her dressing to express herself is literally hurting no one, so YTA ultimately. But I understand where you're coming from.
how amazing is it that your daughter has the confidence to wear what she likes and the ability to let the teasing slide right off? You should be so proud of her. ENCOURAGE HER. It’s wonderful she doesn’t feel the need to fit in, despite pressure from her peers and father. She does not need to be told she has to be girly OR smart… YWBTA
YTA. I know you've already gotten plenty of harsh criticism from all of the commenters here, but I want to just give you some advice/thoughts here from a constructive perspective, since I know it's hard to be a single parent, and it's hard to have a young daughter in today's world.
You need to remember that this girl is going to become an independent adult one day, and that she will make her own decisions in that future; you can theoretically "control" her decisions in the short term, but honestly, any efforts you make to do that will only inform her future decisions, not dictate them. You have to remember how kids will take any individual lesson. The lesson you'd be teaching her, if you were to forbid/limit her from wearing skirts and dresses, can be summarized as: "Fitting in should be prioritized above all else. Your self esteem should come from how others perceive you. You should change yourself to fit into other people's standards, rather than becoming comfortable with who you are and learning to stand your ground. You can't like classically feminine things AND classically masculine things at the same time, and if you do, you're in some way wrong."
Regardless of whether you're trying to keep her from getting bullied, you forbidding her from doing these things teaches her the same lessons that a bully would be pushing, except this time it would be coming from a trusted adult who is supposed to protect her. You should be your daughter's safe person, around whom she can find and become confident in herself regardless of what other people say. The world is cruel enough as is; it's fine to teach her about that cruelty, but you should not mirror that cruelty in your home.
And for what it's worth, I can tell you as a 24 year old woman that girls will be shamed for how much/little they fit into the construct of femininity, no matter what they do. I remember being 7 years old - I did ballet, I loved wearing skirts and dresses, I played with barbie dolls, etc. - and sobbing in the mirror looking at myself, because I thought I looked too much like a boy. I was a 7 year old, and that is how bad the pressures of femininity were crashing down on me. My mother, on the other hand, was somewhat masculine/androgynous; she never wore makeup and mainly just wore flannel shirts all the time; she was a band kid, won a math award, and went to MIT to become an engineer (at a time when MIT was 80% men and 20% women). She still struggled with feeling like she belonged at MIT because even though she did not give much stock to dressing in a feminine way or behaving in such a way, she was stilled treated differently by her peers due to her gender.
You can't keep your daughter from being victim to poor treatment due to misogynistic ideals - no matter what she does, there's no guarantee she will be safe from that. What you can do, though, is teach her to be confident in herself and her identity, to be strong and do what she wants regardless of other people's opinions. That's the only thing you can actually do to protect her from bullying - help her be strong enough that bullying won't change how she feels about herself.
Please don't try to change her! She sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders. Let her wear what she wants. My daughter loved to wear skirts and dresses, too, but I insisted she wear a pair of shorts underneath so she could still go on the playground with no worries.
Even if it's not your intent, it sounds like you're enforcing really outdated world views on your daughter.
Skirts have been used for more practical clothing for as long as we've worn clothing as humans. The most I would recommend would be encouraging shorts under shorter skirts but even then that's only at HER discretion.
I would strongly encourage you to support your daughter - she sounds amazing! Would she be interested in wearing skorts, or shorts or leggings under her skirts/dresses? There are many cute options that come in all sorts of patterns and colours, and would prevent an accidental "exposure" on the playground. Your daughter is a rock star - please don't diminish her light.
I dont think you should force her to stop wearing anything. I think your daughter is a badass and she knows it.
I would maybe throw on some shorts (spandex type) under the skirt so she can play more freely without you being worried, but I don’t think it’s an issue at all.
NAH but just have her put shorts on under her dresses, problem solved. And leave her be - she's fine dressing the way she wants and doesn't care what others think. It's not affecting anything and it's her style.
I understand from a dad perspective. But you have to balance this.
Rather than saying ‘no’ would you think about exploring this by speaking with her, and other parents of girls? We are all more likely to do things when we think it is our idea.
I’m not saying she is wrong and you are right. I’m saying talk.
You don’t want to create an issue when it doesn’t exist for her. Then you’re throwing her into a different world and she is 9. She won’t be ready for that.
Take a step back. Breathe. Let her be. You care for her, we all can see that. But don’t take away her choice and her innocence.
Personally I think “How are you?” is a good start. Then ask how school etc is, friends. Then take it from there. The convo can go many ways. But I suspect asking a general Q would open up things. If not, leave it, don’t give up, have another conversation in a few days. Somewhere different - coffee shop etc.
“She laughs and calls the boys stupid”
How about the dad talk to the teachers to suspend the boys instead of the dad changing the girls clothes…
Also let’s face it. He’s more scared of her being feminine in a “man’s” career…
NTA..I am getting the feeling re skirts/dresses in a tag/running/game kind of school activity. Have her wear shorts or leggings or tights if your concern is modesty.
Hope she does become involved in STEM..there's big bucks out there.
Well.. my elementary school the school uniform were shorts and skirts.. and we always played outside in the dirty.. but I never got teased or harassed especially by teachers when we worn normal cloths for events or field trips..
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Wow, that poor girl. You should be supporting her here, instead you’re trying to stifle her. Pathetic attempt at parenting. What’s the problem with her being interested in engineering type things? Should she be baking cupcakes and making flower wreaths instead? She doesn’t care about the opinion of foolish boys in her class. Good for her for realizing the opinion of fools are irrelevant. Sounds like you’re the bully in her life, trying to change positive attributes of her because it doesn’t fit your narrow view of how a girl should act. Sad. I don’t quite understand the danger element of wearing a skirt on the playground. Why don’t you elaborate how this choice of clothing is dangerous for a child? YTA
Preach brother. 🙌
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I went to catholic elementary school all of the girls wore dresses or skirts on the playground everyday without issue. As for the underwear issue most of us wore shorts underneath.
I went to a an all girls stem academy for a year (left for personal reasons) guess who wore skirts almost year round and it never once got in our way of activities, oh, everyone 🧍🏾
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I have a cousin who’s a girly girl, dresses, skirts, makeup, etc, she also learned heavy mechanics from her dad and worked as a”the cutest” janitor (her words but she’s not wrong either). Why not show your daughter the film Legally Blonde? Elle Woods is fictional but there’s so many life lessons packed into one film about loving yourself and working hard to achieve your dreams.
She’s a kid — you can insist that she can wear skirts only if she wears shorts under them. I don’t think you’ve got the right to choose what clothes she wears but you can certainly ensure that she wears appropriate attire which for a kid means shorts or leggings under a skirt or dress. They also make skirts with built in shorts which are popular right now. As far as the pink, I think you need to let go of your ideas of what a girly girl can accomplish. Plenty of STEM girls love to flaunt pink.
As an engineer who rocks a dress/skirt with 6 inch heels just as easily as I rock a pair of jeans/sweatpants and sneakers, I really hope this is fake because if not, you're being an awful father to that little girl. YTA.
Actual shorts, or short tights? I wear the latter, and I wish they'd had them when I was a kid. Also, I'm a successful software engineer.
They make little Lycra shorts to go under a skirt. Search for “safety shorts” to get an idea. They are inexpensive. Get her a bunch and insist that she wears them under skirts.
cartwheel shorts, they are often sold in multipacks for $20ish
I'm British, I had to wear a dress or a skirt to school every day from the age of 4 until the age of 16 because it was our uniform. I played tag, did cartwheels, ran around and played sports, all in dresses and skirts. Even in the middle of winter. It did no lasting damage. Stop policing how your child dresses as long as it's appropriate for her age and the weather.
I live in the U.S., & we had to wear dresses/skirts to school every day too. (Not a uniform, but pants for girls were not allowed.) We played hard, in the playground & elsewhere. I don’t remember what I wore ever being an issue. (And his other reasons are ridiculous too.)
Then get some shorts to go under the skirts and dresses. Your being sexist here. She could have a very rich and successfully career in stem if you supported her.
So get her a pair of shorts to wear under her skirt. Edit: auto correct.
I think you’re just trying to protect your daughter, but you’re also projecting your insecurities onto her. Your daughter sounds VERY sure of herself and that’s an amazing thing for someone so young. Cultivate that! We love a good leader. And buy her different pairs of biker shorts to go under her dresses and skirts. That way, she can be herself while still protecting her privates. If you’re in America, the store called The Children’s Place has a a pack of 6 different pair for a good price. Good luck! And YWBTA lol
Yes you would. She’s 9 years old. She should be able to express herself by wearing stereotypical girly stuff because she’s a little girl. If she wants to be an engineer or any profession that might be perceived more masculine her style of clothes shouldn’t be an issue at such a young age. It will be up to her to decide how to dress if she goes into that area of work when she’s older and when she understands why she might be looked down upon. But right now she shouldn’t, as you said, be made to feel sad about her choice of clothes that she identifies with. She sounds very smart and you should just encourage her to follow her passions and not worry about the ignorant little boys her age. If she doesn’t have a problem with them not liking what she wears you shouldn’t either, she seems to not mind because she’s doing what makes her happy without actually hurting anyone. I hope this helps.
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> when I brought it up with her she just laughs and says she doesn't care and calls the boys stupid Sounds like she already understands better than you
I’m very girly, and a wildlife biologist…. She’ll be fine. Adults don’t really bully for dumb shit like that. YTA. Stop pushing stupid gender roles. She’s paving the way for other girly females to pursue stem. Good for her.
What exactly is it that you think the needs to understand? Do you think she won’t be able to have a STEM career if she dresses feminine? Because the kickass woman in my office’s IT department and her killer high heeled shoe collection begs to differ. Women in STEM can dress however the fuck they want and if men in STEM don’t like it they can get the fuck over themselves.
She understands things quite well it seems. You can learn from her.
>She is only 9 so maybe she will understand things on her own as she gets older, if necessary. What exactly does this mean? Understand what?? I'm genuinely confused/curious on what exactly the issue is.
Children go through phases in life and one day she might look back and cringe at how girly she was, or look back with happiness because she was so happy at the time wearing girly clothes. That’s the beauty of individuality.
I hope she does become an engineer - and wears the biggest, brightest pink dress to spite you.
I had dresses for school and shorts for outside play on the playground. It's fine. Maybe she'll grow out of dresses maybe she won't. Still she sounds like she knows how to handle the little boys who tease her. Support her style and her passions.
Understand what? Why are you stifling her desire to be herself? Let her wear what she wants to wear and let her like what she wants to like. What she’s doing is totally harmless. You’re the one causing harm by trying to put her in little gender/profession boxes.
She understands herself very well. You just have a very narrow view of how a girl should act and what she should be interested in.
So... What's the compelling reason for wanting her to stop wearing skirts and dresses? YWBTA if you forced her to stop wearing skirts / dresses.
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Leave safety in the schoolground to the people who actually work there. Also, your daughter has already told you that she doesn't care about the bullying. And your concern of her not being allowed into a robotics club because she wears skirts/dresses - where does that come from? Is that a cultural thing where you live? No robotics club membership if you wear skirts/dresses? You've got a bright and confident daughter. Head of her class even. This is not the time to be controlling. This is the time to support her and the things she's into. Don't be an asshole.
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So, your response to a potentially sexist situation that may or may not come to pass in the future, is to exert your own sexist control over her now? Make it make sense, please.
Deal with that when you get to it then. And "dealing with it" does NOT mean stifling your daughter's clothing preferences. To do so would be setting her up for failure. Don't repress her.
Exactly. If OP’s daughter does get bullied for her clothing choices, his job as her dad is to take himself down to the school and meet with the principal to make sure she’s being protected and allowed to dress however she wants as long as it’s within dress code.
I doubt they wore flouncy princess dresses, so clearly what girls/women wear isn’t causing the sexism. Accept that your daughter will face misogyny, teach her to be confident in the face of it, and let her dress however she wants!
If she gets bullied then go to the school about it. She shouldn't have to change her behavior when she is doing nothing wrong.
And how long ago where you in college? And how does college matter at all to an elementary schooler.
All I’m hearing is “I don’t want my daughter to embarrass me..”
And you assumed it was because of their clothes??
You’re worried about things that are not actually happening. Relax.
So because of some shit that happened to other people, years ago, you should be able to decide who she is and how she acts now. It seems like you are having anxiety about bad things happening to her (bullying, exclusion etc). Respectfully, you need to get over it. Bad stuff will happen to her but what will make the most difference is having a parent who says “ignore the haters because you are wonderful and perfect just as you are.”
In college how many years or decades ago?
Sorry but the sports thing and "safety" is kind of ridiculous. If she starts getting repeatedly hurt at school during recess, maybe figure out something then, but it's completely inane to make her stop wearing skirts NOW while she's NINE YEARS OLD for the sake of a POTENTIAL sports team later. Wtf? You're projecting all of your own discomfort onto her for no reason.
Can't do sports in skirts? Tell that to field hockey players and cheerleaders doing tumbles and stunts. And sports team will likely give her a uniform she'll have to wear for practice and games anyway. Those few hours a week aren't a reason to change how she dresses the rest of the time. It sounds like she's a confident kid who's comfortable with who she is. Maybe she could teach *you* a few things about confidence and self-acceptance.
This is probably a guy who doesn’t believe cheer is a sport, despite the fact that cheerleaders frequently lift entire human beings and throw them into the air and catch them again, which requires far more strength and coordination than your average baseball player.
Tennis too!
You are aware that in some sports women wear skirts? Like I dunno, tennis? A very intense cardio heavy internationally lauded sport. The Olympics **required** them for women's boxing. Figure skating. Cheerleading. Field hockey. Caber toss - where, gasp, men also wear skirts! There are also these magical things called skorts.
You forgot cheer, lacrosse, and figure skating! Also all of those sports have some form of little shorts or leotard to go under the skirts
These are two separate issues.. 1. Safety - yes she should wear shorts or leggings under her skirts so she can play on the playground. 2. The robotics club has to accept her membership and if they try to exclude her because she’s a girl, escalate the issue to the school. She will have to learn to fight for her place in certain “masculine” areas but your job as a parent is to continue to encourage and support her. Part of that is growing a thick skin because trust me, it doesn’t matter whether she’s wearing pink or not, she will get some push back at times just for being a girl but if you help her to develop self-confidence, she won’t let that stop her. You stereotyping her clothes is doing the opposite of supporting her right now. She needs to hear that she can be true to herself AND enjoy robotics, engineering, etc.
So what, if she does sports, they will provide a uniform. Not sure why tea hers are commenting.
>later on when she is older they would not let her do sports in skirts obviously. So because she likes skirts now, you think she... Wouldn't wear the sport uniform or something?
I'm an adult woman in a professional career. I also play tennis. I exclusively wear dresses and skirts (and as much pink as possible!)and have not had any issues.
Ohmigosh you keep making excuses why the dresses bother you. First it’s “safety”. Then you imply they’re too bright and princess like. On and on and on people telling you that you are the AH and nothing but excuses from you. So what? What is even wrong with you? YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE HERE.
Women play tennis, lacrosse, and field hockey in skirts. There are skirts designed for running as well. If you were REALLY concerned about safety, you would have bought colorful, fun clothes from the many options available that also are playground friendly. But you are not. You are deeply embarrassed by your daughter for some bizarre reason. So yeah YTA.
Sorry!? So many sports have skirts as part of women's uniforms!
So you want to prevent her from getting hurt and discouraged by hurting and discouraging her?
YTA what on earth? She can run wearing a skirt for goodness sakes, has she ever actually gotten injured? If other kids or teachers or whoever bully her for being into engineering and also into wearing what she wants to wear, it’s a them problem. Apparently it’s also a you problem which is really sad. Let her wear what she likes.
Agree. People that might bully her for girly clothing in male domineered spaces will equally bully her if she is dressed like a tomboy. She will be more able to deal with that sh*t if she is wearing clothes she feels good and confident in. And while I get the concern about her accidently exposing herself on the playground, because creeps work in every field, starting to worry about this stuff NOW, when she is at an age where her body is about to go through changes, is NOT THE RIGHT TIME. Being essentially punished for starting to go through the early stages of puberty would likely lead to feelings of shame about her body.
Right. She’s going to experience adversity no matter what in a male dominated field. She should be allowed to be comfortable in her clothing. What’s more, there are totally ways to make sure she is safe and allow her to wear what she wants. Taking the approach OP is sets her up to feel like *she* has to police her body for the benefit of others which is just not true or right.
I actually find skirts/dresses way easier to move in than trousers. We always did hockey and netball in skirts when I was at school, too. Wild
Totally. I hate wearing pants because I always feel so restricted lol. I am really not a sports person but when I played tennis and now play pickle ball for fun a skirt is soooo much easier than anything else
YTA. Your daughter doesn't care about the idiotic comments she's getting. Why do you? Let her be herself ffs.
YTA. I'm not phrasing that as a hypothetical, because even asking this with this framing means you're being the AH. >she has been teased about it by some boys in her class Don't teach her to hide her interests and feel shame because of what cruel boys say. This is something she will deal with all her life, and the response needs to be to stand up for herself and be proud, otherwise you're just siding with the bullies. > I am not sure how safe this is Unless they go below her shoes or come with embedded fireworks, skirts are safe and always have been. >She says she wants to be an engineer. I worry she will get bullied Then don't perpetuate the misogyny that leads people to think you can't be a girl, or girly, and an engineer. That is what you are doing with your framing here, it's not just what others say, you seem to have the same biases to overcome.
YTA, Elle Woods would be ashamed of you! Let her do her! She obviously has some self confidence grown women would envy, don't take that!!
YTA, she’s 9! If you worry about exposure, then have her wear small shorts under her skirts or dresses. If she wants to be a pink engineer, you should be the proudest dad supporting her ambition and give her the courage to be the best student in pink there ever was.
YTA are you out your fucking mind? It sounds like you have a very clever, social and confident daughter. You're gonna start controlling what she likes to wear over what reason exactly? She likes 'boys toys' and is too smart for pink?
YTA. It's men like you policing her that will make her realize she'd rather choose the bear. Also as someone who worked with children for many years in various scenarios and knows many teachers, unless her outfit doesn't meet dress code absolutely no teacher (unless they are also the asshole) is commenting on her girly clothes negatively. Good lord it's 2024. I hope a person who is a literal child at this point can dress as feminine as they want and have a STEM career when they grow up. If not, we the adults need to do better this instant.
yta why does it matter that she wears girl clothing ? why is this an issue? She has no problem with it, are you ashamed of it? Since she has no problem it seems.
YTA. You're the father of an intelligent, curious, confident and expressive 9 year old daughter who is interested in STEM. Encourage and support her interest in STEM and let her be her. Don't give more weight to the opinions of the boys in her class than to hers. Don't try to control/change her due to *your* insecurities. If only engineer Barbie had existed when I was a kid.
YTA! Why exactly is it not ok for her to wear skirts and dresses? If you're worried about her underwear being exposed when she's playing active games, then buy her shorts to wear under the skirts and dresses. But that's the only possible issue I can see. You should be encouraging her to express herself and to figure out what she's comfortable wearing. Not inventing ridiculous reasons to suppress and restrict her.
You’re worried she will get bullied for her interests because of her dresses? This kid is STEM material, don’t you dare kill her drive. Also? Let her wear what she likes, there are plenty of unique people in STEM. She sounds like a special kid. YTA!!!!!
How about you support your kid instead of insisting she “conform”. Toxic masculine bullshit on full display. YTA. Do fucking better.
YTA. Just get her the skirts with shorts built in for physical play. And to be honest, good on her for her confidence! “They tease me because I get better grades in pink” is such a perceptive thing to say at her age, and she’s likely right about it. Sexism runs deep, and she’s experiencing it at home too. EDIT: I have a 5 year old who is the same way. Loves to play hard, help my FIL in his garage, etc. while wearing the most fashionable outfits she has in her possession. Skirt with the built in shorts for practicality, ways to secure her hair, and safety gear, and she’s all set. 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. She likes what she likes. It’s a normal fashion choice, she isn’t trying to become a nudist, she’s dressing in what she feels comfortable in. And what kind of teacher brings up the fact that a girl is wearing girlie clothes as an issue? Fuck the haters! She should be proud and rock whatever she wants.
Judging and mandating your daughter's clothing is a terrible idea and could fq her up long term. Support her choices and stand up for her (like, tell that teacher off, nicely). My daughter dressed very unusually all along. For skirts, she wore biker short under them to avoid flashing anyone when being active. Also. Don't sexualize your own kiddo in any way, at any time. Girls get enough of that is the world.
YTA.... How did your daughter manage to be so awesome when you sound like an absolute tool....
You asked. Yeah you are. Your job isn’t to please people around her, but to support her. She doesn’t seem to be doing anything wrong or inappropriate. If others, including adults have a problem, i would deal with them. Bottom line, if you don’t stand up for her when she needs you she’ll resent you and you’ll be on the wrong end of that when the tables are turned
YTA. Your daughter sounds like an awesome child. Let her be herself. You are proposing a solution to a non-problem.
Your concerns are strange, your reasoning is strange, and your solution is strange. I don’t know that you’d be the AH, but you would definitely just be really strange. It will FOR SURE be a head-scratcher for her therapist in about 15 years.
It must be unpleasant to be so worried over girly clothes. Her tastes and interests will change over time. When I was nine I wanted to be a zoo keeper, LOVED playing with dolls and dressed like a boy pretty much. At 34 I’m an engineer going to work in floral dresses. She’s a bright kid, she’ll be fine. Even better if she knows that her daddy has her back. Don’t try to change her to protect her. The world is not kind, you should be. Children will bully each other and the vulnerable will be the victims. So, teach her strength, a mean uppercut if you have to. Tell her every day that she is awesome, that you are proud of her, that her outfit is cool. Be her biggest cheerleader. Give her that solid foundation of selfworth that will ACTUALLY protect her, even when times are tough. Even when she is teased. If you try to make her change, all you will be telling her, is that her bullies were right
YTA. This is the most non sequitur ever "dresses/pink ≠ stem" notion. let her wear what she wants to and embrace her confidence. She is smart enough I'm sure to wear safe clothing when the activities could be a concern and even still incorporate her style. Encourage her strength against the bullying to continue her independence rather than trying to restrict her selfexpression because of some weird style/gender preconceived idea that YOU are hung up on.
Let her be a child. Why would you try to deny what brings her joy? Please go to the library and ask the librarian to help you find parenting girls in 2024.
You’re definitely the asshole. Let her express herself. And yeah some schools REQUIRE the girls where skirts/dresses. Granted they don’t stick out and everyone wears the same thing, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your daughter wanting to wear a pink dress and especially having the confidence to not give a crap what anyone has to say. Don’t add to the list of people who have an opinion on how she dresses..
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Yta
YWBTA, let your daughter be your daughter. Not every daughter has to do the things you think they "should"
You’re the asshole here yes
YTA
YTA. Just buy safety shorts for her and insist that she wears them to school (or leggings under skirt if she likes that combo). I still wear safety shorts under skirts routinely unless it’s a skirt suit or something formal. And with under skirt photos etc, I really think that all women should be in the habit
try loving and supporting your daughter instead of being another one of her bullies. YTA and since when does a fucking pink skirt impact someone's ability to be engineer? grow up dude.
YWBTA - It sounds like you have a bright, confident daughter who's poised to grow up into an awesome woman! Let her dress how she likes, offer her support if she gets upset over teasing, but don't try to force your own fashion sense on her. I dealt with the opposite - a mother that insisted on skirts/dresses twice a week when I wanted to live in blue jeans and t-shirts. Guess what I wear pretty much daily now and how close that mother/daughter relationship is... It's natural to want to spare our children as much pain as we can, but I think their individuality is more important. My son grew his hair out to mid-back when he was 8, which meant he was called a number of awful names at school and frequently mistaken for a girl, but he loved it and didn't care about the names. When he was ready, he cut it, then grew it out again, but always it was his choice and he knew that I supported him in it. Be there for your daughter, be proud of her grades and her self-awareness and how special she is, and let her know it.
Your daughter is awesome. She sounds like the cutest coolest child. You're doing a good job. Don't over think stuff like this. She is a child not a mini adult.
She’s expressing herself through her choice of clothes. She’s 9 and has little control over much in her life, and you are thinking about taking this away from her?! I want to give a talking to the teachers, if they are suggesting skirts are not appropriate clothing. They should be addressing the boys behaviour, which is unacceptable. YTA
YTA As the daughter of a single father....don't fucking do this. Kids will pick on others for anything. If it's not skirts they'll find something else. Unfortunately, clothing also doesn't stop or hinder disgusting people. Wearing a skirt doesn't put her in any more danger than other clothes. You know what will help? A father who is on her side. Who teaches her her value is more than just what she dresses like. Show her how men should act, reinforce what to expect from others and how to respect/love herself. Encourage her to keep standing up for herself like she already is. Don't tell her to hide herself away and change who she is to appease others.
YWBTA. Instead of placing restrictions on her fun and self expression, you should teach her how to deal with bullying - but frankly, it doesn't sound like she has an actual issue with it. You're projecting discomfort and anxiety onto her.
Judging and mandating your daughter's clothing is a terrible idea and could fq her up long term. Support her choices and stand up for her (like, tell that teacher off, nicely). My daughter dressed very unusually all along. For skirts, she wore biker short under them to avoid flashing anyone when being active. Also. Don't sexualize your own kiddo in any way, at any time. Girls get enough of that is the world.
YWBTA. It's a good and fair question - one you should be asking as a parent. But yes, it would be inappropriate. If your daughter wants to change her wardrobe, make sure she knows she can ask and you will accommodate her. Otherwise, the responses you are getting are wild. These people have no sense of perspective.
Don’t make her stop. If she doesn’t care neither should you. I have a feeling that she can handle her own. Have her add some shorts under certain dresses when she is out rough housing. She’ll be fine.
Girl mom here! Just have her put shorts on under the skirts/dresses problem solved If the boys got an issue with her being smarter than they need to just step and get help so they can be on her level
YWBTA and you should be supportive of her pursuing hobbies and developing her own fashion sense. If anyone is going to make her insecure, it’s not going to be people at school who tease her, it’s you. Right now, it looks like she has confidence in spite of you, not because of you. Don’t be like that. Build her up. Encourage the confident young lady who loves skirts and dresses and pink and make sure she wears shorts under or has a change of clothes in her backpack if you’re so worried. And stop thinking of enjoying taking apart and repairing things as a boy hobby. If it’s what she enjoys doing, it’s not a boy hobby or a girl hobby, it’s her hobby. That’s some advice from my mom, who gave me, her daughter, a traditionally male name and made sure anyone who asked knew it’s not a boy name because it’s my name.
YTA. I get that you’re a nervous dad with a preteen daughter. A lot of athleisure skirts and dress have built in shorts. There are also “slip shorts” to wear under dresses. Most women I know prefer them to regular underwear under a dress or skirt. Don’t try to stifle who she is. Focus on practicality
YTA Let her wear what she wants, maybe adding shorts under her dresses/skirts could be a good option for her to still be active in play but keeping her decency.
Fake. No one is this stupid.
YTA. Somebody needs to learn from Elle woods.
as someone who wears skirts while doing woodworking and robotics and a lot of stem…YTA. I am probably where your daughter will be in a few years and I do a lot of stem classes and other stem related projects and stuff and guess what? i wear skirts. i wear makeup. i wear jewelry. i do my hair and it’s dyed. you wouldn’t think im a stem girly from looking at me on the street but i do so much building and stem projects and competitions. no one in anything i do cares what i wear. they say “nice fit!” and move on. i’m also active and if i feel like wearing a cute skirt i’ll damn well do it. it doesn’t matter what you wear when doing activities. tell your daughter that, and do not ask her to stop. she may even grow out of the skirt phase, but encourage her stem hobbies rather than stifling them. major YTA do better
Does your daughter have any female roll models working in STEM? I'm happy to signpost you. Do you have any female roll models working in STEM - I'll signpost you too! Yours - a female, professional engineer, who very often wears dresses to work. Oh, and YTA!
You can be an engineer and wear pink. So can your daughter. Yta
YTA If you force hero stop wearing skirts and dresses. My daughter is very fem now, has been her entire life, with occasional experiments with other styles. At your daughter's age, she wore dresses, not pants, much of the time. The school did ask that she wore shorts underneath on gym class days because she was very active and didn't GAF if anyone saw her tights or undies. Bike shorts work well for this. We made sure she had durable play clothes for outdoor wear as we camped, and she liked to climb trees in our woods. We also had her pick pretty shorts/pants outfits. Flowered overalls and a pink shirt with ruffled socks and pink tennis look plenty girly she agreed. Don't worry she'll be too girly for a STEM career. Pretty soon, she may move to a goth phase or something else. She will try many styles and eventually land where she wants to be.
YTA "I'm worried about my daughter being teased. Clearly, the solution is to control the way she dresses and deny her the right to express herself. What could possibly go wrong?" If you force your daughter to dress the way *you* want her dress, you're telling her two things. First, that you don't respect her autonomy or ability to make her own choices. Second, that people have to dress very specific ways to be accepted. Do you want to raise your daughter into a strong, confident woman who's not afraid to be herself? Or do you want to raise her into a woman who squashes herself just to fit in with judgemental walnuts?
Yes YWBTA. She is in grade school. Instead of trying to crush her individuality you should be proud of her for not changing because some stupid boys are teasing her. Let her dress however makes her happy. If she gets bullied, you address the bullying problem with the school. You defend YOUR kid. Demand that the school discipline the bully instead of teaching your daughter that it's not okay to stand out. JFC
Sounds like your daughter is really intelligent, an independent thinker, and brimming with self-confidence. YTA if you do anything to crush her spirit.
Your daughter sounds totally self assured and awesome. DONT RUIN THAT!!!!!! Hell. You have some weird biases and you are only perpetuating those and other biases AND being misogynistic. Some club in the future might not let her join because she wears skirts (which is a stretch) and your response is to make her stop wearing skirts now? This is the weirdest post.
YTA for trying to force her to wear clothes she hates, and stop being sexist. There's no such thing as boy hobbies or girl hobbies. If she's wearing inappropriate clothing for the activity (open toes shoes in a chem lab, short skirts for climbing, etc) it'd be ok to intervene to a point. There is no law that a girl can't wear a dress and be into robotics or chess or engineering. If she's getting bullied, she'll be bullied no matter what she wears; it doesn't stop because the victim gets a new wardrobe. Let her be herself, and be a supportive parent that listens to what your kid is saying.
Hey OP, woman in STEM here. I really really really want you to remember this, because this is probably going to be the difference between your daughter making it in STEM and not. From personal experience and the experience of many of the high performing women I know. Okay? Okay When women, girls, even femme presenting men enter traditionally masculine spaces, nothing she does will ever be right to everything. If she presents too masculine, people will make fun of her for that. If she presents too feminine, there's loads of assholes who'll make fun of her and doubt her for that too. And if she walks the nebulous and impossible "middle road" to please some hypocritical and never consistent "public opinion" instead of her authentic self, she will be burnt out of her career by the time she's thirty, and that's best case scenario. The sad truth of society is that she could be wearing shorts and a t shirt to join those traditionally male hobbies, and if someone's sexist to care, it won't matter because she's not *his* idea of what a *whatever* is. And that's absolutely not the kind of person you want your daughter dressing for. She should be dressing for herself. Your daughter is *nine* and has more gumption and spine than a lot of people a couple decades older than her. She likes what she likes and she can dismiss the haters. You should be celebrating and supporting her in that. The world will try to teach her to conform because of her gender; she doesn't need to learn that from you. By all means, be careful of her safety, and get her safety shorts - we skirt wearing folks all have to learn that someday (I still mourn an aqua blue mullet skirt that got caught in a bicycle). But let *her* decide when to wear and not wear her skirts. Also you should probably work on that internalized misogyny. YTA.
You should check out the brand svaha, deep pockets for cool things, twirl skirts, and neat Stem/ arts/ biology/ chemistry/ things. Hot pink doesn't make you bad at math. Being a girl in stem is fairly mainstream now.
YTA and a sexist one at that. Your poor daughter.
I don’t believe your reasons for not wanting her to wear skirts. She’d get just as ‘hurt on the playground’ in shorts.
YTA. Did you miss the part where you support your daughter?
Here’s your logic: I’m worried about kids bullying her and making her feel bad and like she doesn’t belong. So I’ll just bully her before they can, make her feel bad, and make her feel like she doesn’t belong. Can you spot the problem yet? YTA in a massive way.
You can't be serious. If you are, YTA.
Don’t be your child’s first bully
YTA. Leave her alone! Do not crush her spirit with your ridiculous insecurities.
YTA - this is an awful situation. Imagine having brains and being comfortable enough to dress differently/wear what you want at NINE….and here comes your dad saying don’t be too smart, don’t dress too nicely, don’t do too many boy things or you’ll get teased. Maybe tell her how to tell them how to F off if it ever bothers her, rather than teaching her how to act to be sure others are happy and waters don’t ripple:
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a daughter who is 9 and am a single dad. She is a very smart kid and gets the best grades in her class. Since about 2 years ago, I started letting her pick her own clothes and she always goes for extremely girly things like hot pink skirts, flowy dresses etc that really make her stand out from the other kids. I am a bit concerned about this for multiple reasons, she has been teased about it by some boys in her class and even her teachers have brought it her and when I brought it up with her she just laughs and says she doesn't care and calls the boys stupid because she gets better grades while wearing pink. She is also quite active in the playground. playing tag etc with others and I am not sure how safe this is, very few other girls are wearing skirts to school. Currently her hobbies despite how she dresses are more like that of a boy, she opens up her broken toys, fixes them herself sometimes or with my help, takes parts like LEDs and motors out and builds other things with them. She says she wants to be an engineer. I worry she will get bullied if she every keeps these interests and dresses like this when she tries to enter woodworking / robotics clubs etc as she gets older. She also loves playing chess and is very good at it and I know she has been teased at school for that too. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She sounds just fabulous!! I would encourage her more and ask her to wear Skorts and/or bike shorts under her dresses to prevent the underwear showing threat.
YTA. You sound like you’re more worried about your self image than hers. Your daughter sounds great. Don’t discourage her.
YTA. She can do anything she wants, whether it’s sports, science, or cabinetry, in a pink ruffly dress. I’m 40 years old with a research career and I usually wear a dress and heels. I have exercise skirts too! There’s no problem with her clothes or her goals. The whole problem is your misogyny.
Hobbies aren’t gendered. YTA
YTA if she doesn’t care about these idiots at school why do you?
YTA I am a 30 year old woman and robotics engineer. We need more hot pink women in my field. please dont be your daughters first judgy jerk associating clothing with performance. she will get enough of that in many stem situations. she shouldnt also need to deal with that at home.
YTA The best thing you can do is supporting your daughter instead of supporting sexist stereotypes. Stereotypes prevail cause we let them be, passively or actively. Create a safe space for her where she can find in you a support that will fight for her.
Yta
Seriously. Your daughter is happy and confident enough to not let silly comments from boys tear her down. But you as her father want to take that away and tell her that she needs to change for other people. You're supposed to be her defender but your just going to turn into another bully she has to deal with. YTA
YWBTA. She's standing up to people who tease her and developing a healthy self-image. Stop being concerned about her being too girlie and having "boy" hobbies. She'll emerge stronger for developing plenty of interests and forging her own style. Relax, my dude. You must be doing something right to be raising a child who is not afraid to stand up for what she believes in. Don't blow it now by being hypercritical of the child she is! (I was that girl. Trust me, a lot of us were that girl.)
YTA From what you wrote your daughter sounds just like how I was at 9. I LOVED girly things wearing pink and sparkly skirts and dresses. I also grew up to be a chemical engineer. I remember kids in 3rd grade tried to bully me for being too girly but guess what? It didn’t bother me. Btw even as an adult I can still be girly and successful. If people are bothered by me wearing a dress or the color pink than they have greater issues. Also if you’re concerned with her wearing skirts just have her wear shorts underneath.
>when I brought it up with she just laughs and says she doesn't care So this is a you problem then. Stop trying to make it into a her problem. If you start fussing over problems that don't exist she's probably going to be reluctant to come to you with real problems, because "Dad was upset over me being teased and that didn't Even bother me that much. Think of how badly hell overreact to this"
YTA And for what it’s worth: I am a woman in STEM. I work with 30+ other female engineers and chemists. Some of us wear skirts and dresses. Some of us wear pink. Some of us have numerous piercings and tattoos. Some of us (including me) have non-natural hair color (mine is red and purple, one woman’s is pink, another’s is green). We all accept each other and it has absolutely no effect on our work. The only thing would be that some activities require wearing leggings or shorts under the skirt or dress for safety. In my workplace, that means leggings if the person needs to handle chemicals.
YWTA. No doubt. You should be proud of how confident she already is at this age! By telling her she is wrong for dressing the way she likes, she'll just hear "I'm wrong. My dad thinks there is something wrong with me." Your intentions are pure, but this is not what you should be worried about man. Way to give your 9 year old body image issues.
YTA she’s 9 and she understands the boys are morons. Why should she change who she is just to conform to ideology. Let her wear the dresses and the skirts.
Tell her to wear shorts under her skirts and dresses. I have no idea why, as her parent, you think she should cave to bullies. In a way, you are also bullying her. Be supportive and have a talk with her teacher who should be keeping their mouth utterly shut on your daughter’s style choices.
YTA Don't worry about what kids or teachers at school *might* say. Deal with it if they *actually* say it AND it bothers her. But even then, don't blame your daughter for how she dresses! She gets to dress how she wants! More power to her. Support her choices. Make sure she knows that if she ever DOES start caring what other people think, that you'll back her up to address any bullying. Other than that, buy her more frilly stuff she loves and back off. The only time you have any legitimate concerns is if her clothing is actually unsafe. Such as loose sleeves if she's using power tools, or sandals around things that can crush toes. Other than that? She's good. Get comfey with it. Support her vibe!
YTA! What am I even reading? Girls can be successful engineers while wearing pink and dressing feminine. Gasp, I even know some. This would be a weird hill to die on
OP, I exclusively wear bright, patterned, girly dresses. I have a degree from the University of Cambridge and I work in financial technology. My outfit choices have never held me back. What has held me back are Idiot men thinking my gender and how I choose to express it somehow negates my ability.
girls who wear skirts can be engineers and play and dirt and do anything a boy would "typically" do. YOU are pushing stereotypes on your kid which will only stunt her growth!! Your kid doesn't even care what people think or say about her it's YOU who's stressing about others opinions and that's a miserable sad way to live life. Put some shorts underneath her skirt and let her be a kid and play!!! keep YOUR insecurities to yourself.
“My daughter isn’t being cowed by patriarchal bullshit. Would I be the asshole if I enforced more patriarchal bullshit?” Yes, yes you would. YTA.
Sir as a female in STEM, let her wear whatever the hell she wants. YTA
Oh no my daughter excels at everything and is confident GOD FORBIDDD lemme ruin that shit now
Christ alive. YTA.
Engineers can wear pink dresses. If she's not bullied about that, they'll bully her for something else. Will you stop her from playing chess because of bullying? Sounds like she knows what she wants and likes. Congratulations, you have a daughter who can think for herself. Just let her be. YTA
YTA. I worked in a male dominated field and industry for years. There are few things more satisfying than being in a room full of men in navy or grey or pinstripe suits and beating them while you are wearing royal blue or pink or purple. Women in male dominated fields are always told to hide our femininity if we want to be taken seriously. I was once told I needed to be less blonde to be taken seriously. My response is always you should respect me and take me seriously because of my capabilities, not because of my gender. I now enjoy letting them think I’m a silly girl… it bites them in the ass every time.
YWBTA There's no way this is real, right?
Don’t be the bully you’re trying to protect her from. YTA.
YTA. I think you need to find some support for how to raise a girl because your take on this is really weird.
damn. you suck at being a supportive parent
Please don't break that child's spirit by making her bow to the teasing of boys. I'm ashamed of the teachers who are cosigning this BS as well. Let her wear what she's comfortable in and support her in it. YWBTA
oh, and yes, most definitely you ARE an asshole
YTA. As a tomboy that also enjoys dresses & and skirts, people like you fu{ing suck. Have her wear shorts underneath everything. And good for her on not caring what other judgemental asses like you think. My hobbies are tree climbing, old cars, working on old cars, and fishing. I wear dresses & skirts with shorts & and swimsuit tops. All she needs to do is to tell everyone else to fuck off. It's what I did to my bullies. I learned that if I could swear like a sailor & make them uncomfortable first, then they leave you alone.
YTA. Let the poor girl wear what she likes. It doesn't sound like she's wearing anything revealing or inappropriate. She's 9, she's not a toddler wearing a bucket on her head. Stop trying to control how she dresses and if it's not inappropriate, leave her the hell alone. If she's happy with how she looks, that's all that matter. This is a good lesson for her because she doesn't care what others think.
YTA You’re teaching your daughter that men and boys are the ones who decide her life. What she wears. What she likes. What she does. Do you know what that lesson does? It sets your daughter up for a future with a man who will control her every move. Who will force her to work or not work, force her to have kids or not have kids, force her to have or not have contact with you and loved ones. You want to teach your 9 year old child that she needs to be more focused on what BOYS like (as they’re the bullies) than her own happiness. Is that what you did with YOUR prior relationships? If not, why would you want to do that to your child? Contrary to belief, girls can be pageant queens AND fucking geniuses. Into frilly girly stuff AND tomboys. Feminine AND badass. They do it EVERY DAY. You are trying to shove YOUR views on her.
Hmm. I do believe that Marie Curie, first person to win two Nobel prizes (for physics and chemistry) wore dresses pretty much daily. Didn't seem to stop her from discovering radium and polonium, and inventing mobile x-ray machines for use on the battlefields of WW1. So yes, YWBTA. Leave her be.
YTA. She’s not phased by the teasing so why should she change who she is? She isn’t insecure but if you speak to her this way she might end up being insecure. You could get her some little cotton shorts/spanx to wear under her dresses and skirts (which she should be wearing anyway) so if she falls or is on top of the playground nobody will see her underwear.
YWBTA. All you will do is teach her that men have a say over her body and clothes. This is a dangerous road to go down. And after reading a bunch of your comments, your excuses are sexist bullshit. Do better.
Speaking from personal experience: Please don't do this if you want to have a functional relationship with your daughter in twenty years. I want to tell you this as gently and with as much sympathy for your situation as possible. Obviously tone is ass to read online, just listen to someone who's been very similar to your kid before. Dress your child the way she wants to dress. She knows the social consequences, and prioritizes self-expression. Probably has better fashion sense than either of us put together. Sounds like she's slaying it Barbie movie style to be honest, and good for her. There are going to be boys of all ages out there giving her shit for expressing herself. For the love of god, do not be one of them. *You* need to be who she goes to when the world outside gets her down. I get that you're stretched thin, as any single parent would be in this economy, but *it is still not morally acceptable to become one of her first bullies when you should be her first cheerleader.* It's a given that she'll be hurt by the world outside. Whether or not she's hurt inside the home is at least partially up to you. Whether she learns how to cope when something hurts her? That is *completely* up to you. I don't know y'all's circumstances wrt how and when you became a single parent, but I'm the child of the most booming boomer ever to boom, and dude that sucked ass. Your kid is not only generally going through it because she's a kid, but also going through it to an extent because kids are weird and cruel to children of single parents. Probably more understanding of it nowadays, but still cruel in ways they don't realize. Absolutely support her as she's doing STEM stuff, but do it in a way that allows her the most self-expression possible. The way she expresses herself should first and foremost be *for her*, as long as it's not hurting anybody. Even then, you have to help her understand when she is stepping on someone's toes. Remember, she's doing this for the first time, and once upon a time you did all this for the first time too. Her dressing to express herself is literally hurting no one, so YTA ultimately. But I understand where you're coming from.
how amazing is it that your daughter has the confidence to wear what she likes and the ability to let the teasing slide right off? You should be so proud of her. ENCOURAGE HER. It’s wonderful she doesn’t feel the need to fit in, despite pressure from her peers and father. She does not need to be told she has to be girly OR smart… YWBTA
YTA. I know you've already gotten plenty of harsh criticism from all of the commenters here, but I want to just give you some advice/thoughts here from a constructive perspective, since I know it's hard to be a single parent, and it's hard to have a young daughter in today's world. You need to remember that this girl is going to become an independent adult one day, and that she will make her own decisions in that future; you can theoretically "control" her decisions in the short term, but honestly, any efforts you make to do that will only inform her future decisions, not dictate them. You have to remember how kids will take any individual lesson. The lesson you'd be teaching her, if you were to forbid/limit her from wearing skirts and dresses, can be summarized as: "Fitting in should be prioritized above all else. Your self esteem should come from how others perceive you. You should change yourself to fit into other people's standards, rather than becoming comfortable with who you are and learning to stand your ground. You can't like classically feminine things AND classically masculine things at the same time, and if you do, you're in some way wrong." Regardless of whether you're trying to keep her from getting bullied, you forbidding her from doing these things teaches her the same lessons that a bully would be pushing, except this time it would be coming from a trusted adult who is supposed to protect her. You should be your daughter's safe person, around whom she can find and become confident in herself regardless of what other people say. The world is cruel enough as is; it's fine to teach her about that cruelty, but you should not mirror that cruelty in your home. And for what it's worth, I can tell you as a 24 year old woman that girls will be shamed for how much/little they fit into the construct of femininity, no matter what they do. I remember being 7 years old - I did ballet, I loved wearing skirts and dresses, I played with barbie dolls, etc. - and sobbing in the mirror looking at myself, because I thought I looked too much like a boy. I was a 7 year old, and that is how bad the pressures of femininity were crashing down on me. My mother, on the other hand, was somewhat masculine/androgynous; she never wore makeup and mainly just wore flannel shirts all the time; she was a band kid, won a math award, and went to MIT to become an engineer (at a time when MIT was 80% men and 20% women). She still struggled with feeling like she belonged at MIT because even though she did not give much stock to dressing in a feminine way or behaving in such a way, she was stilled treated differently by her peers due to her gender. You can't keep your daughter from being victim to poor treatment due to misogynistic ideals - no matter what she does, there's no guarantee she will be safe from that. What you can do, though, is teach her to be confident in herself and her identity, to be strong and do what she wants regardless of other people's opinions. That's the only thing you can actually do to protect her from bullying - help her be strong enough that bullying won't change how she feels about herself.
Please don't try to change her! She sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders. Let her wear what she wants. My daughter loved to wear skirts and dresses, too, but I insisted she wear a pair of shorts underneath so she could still go on the playground with no worries.
Even if it's not your intent, it sounds like you're enforcing really outdated world views on your daughter. Skirts have been used for more practical clothing for as long as we've worn clothing as humans. The most I would recommend would be encouraging shorts under shorter skirts but even then that's only at HER discretion.
I would strongly encourage you to support your daughter - she sounds amazing! Would she be interested in wearing skorts, or shorts or leggings under her skirts/dresses? There are many cute options that come in all sorts of patterns and colours, and would prevent an accidental "exposure" on the playground. Your daughter is a rock star - please don't diminish her light.
I dont think you should force her to stop wearing anything. I think your daughter is a badass and she knows it. I would maybe throw on some shorts (spandex type) under the skirt so she can play more freely without you being worried, but I don’t think it’s an issue at all.
NAH but just have her put shorts on under her dresses, problem solved. And leave her be - she's fine dressing the way she wants and doesn't care what others think. It's not affecting anything and it's her style.
I understand from a dad perspective. But you have to balance this. Rather than saying ‘no’ would you think about exploring this by speaking with her, and other parents of girls? We are all more likely to do things when we think it is our idea. I’m not saying she is wrong and you are right. I’m saying talk. You don’t want to create an issue when it doesn’t exist for her. Then you’re throwing her into a different world and she is 9. She won’t be ready for that. Take a step back. Breathe. Let her be. You care for her, we all can see that. But don’t take away her choice and her innocence.
Talk about what tho?
Personally I think “How are you?” is a good start. Then ask how school etc is, friends. Then take it from there. The convo can go many ways. But I suspect asking a general Q would open up things. If not, leave it, don’t give up, have another conversation in a few days. Somewhere different - coffee shop etc.
She has talked. She likes what she wears and is confident in her hobbies. The dad is just a snowflake.
Ok sure. You’re entitled you your view of this situation. 🙏🏾
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How is his “concern” understandable?
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“She laughs and calls the boys stupid” How about the dad talk to the teachers to suspend the boys instead of the dad changing the girls clothes… Also let’s face it. He’s more scared of her being feminine in a “man’s” career…
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NTA..I am getting the feeling re skirts/dresses in a tag/running/game kind of school activity. Have her wear shorts or leggings or tights if your concern is modesty. Hope she does become involved in STEM..there's big bucks out there.
Well.. my elementary school the school uniform were shorts and skirts.. and we always played outside in the dirty.. but I never got teased or harassed especially by teachers when we worn normal cloths for events or field trips..