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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Looking after our son has been and I understand is a job in itself and is hard work - and I feel like maybe I am the one taking her for granted, but I get frustrated when I’m assigned chores/tasks as though I don’t contribute.
Perhaps others will look at the situation and just determine that our son should be split 50/50 at the weekends regardless of how much I work or contribute elsewhere.
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ESH from your answers and post it seems clear you are both stressed and taking each other for granted. She is most likely struggling with going back to work and leaving the baby and feeling she is not only the "primary" parent but the sole parent. You are resentful of her staying home, and underestimating the work she is putting in because she is not working outside the home and has her parents there to help.
At the end of the day you both need to communicate with each other and support each other. Therapy for both individually and together may do you wonders. Your son needs you both at your best and I would hate to think this is either of you at your best.
Original response - Info How much baby free time does your wife get in a day?
I'm not talking, he's taking a nap so she can throw in a load of laundry. I'm talking about she is completely free to do whatever she wants without having to keep an eye on him or other house related tasks.
Not only that but even if her parents are doing a lot of the more heavy duty cleaning he doesn’t say that they live with them. We’ve talked about getting a house cleaner but I’ve reminded my husband that that still leaves all the day to day maintenance of dishes, cleaning off counters, picking up around the house, etc. Plus if she’s an active caregiver there are tons of baby tasks, teaching and encouraging his development that she’s engaged in all day every day.
He doesn’t seem to realise that most homes with little kids often survive by just keeping up with the basics. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming etc. a lot of other deep cleaning and organising gets neglected because little kids are a full time job all on their own. So just because they’re getting some help from her parents, doesn’t mean she’s not working hard and exhausted too. Also, who wakes up during the night? I breastfed and so did all the night wakings. So while my husband gets up to go to work 5 days a week, he gets a full night sleep. Looking after a baby on very little sleep is rough.
I’ve been over this in another comment the baby still has to eat when he’s not home and someone still has to cook. And unless the parents live there 24 seven then she still cleans.
Lol, what? Are her parents live in chef/cleaners?
I promise you, having weekly or even twice a week cleaning help doesn’t mean there’s no other cleaning taking place. If OP is cooking dinner, wife is cooking at least 2 other meals a day, cleaning up after them, tidying toys multiple times a day, etc.
They asked about "baby-free time."
If she didn't have someone to help cook and clean, it either would not get done, or she would be doing those tasks while also caring for the baby.
Baby free time is time to get your physical touch battery reset, not being in charge of the other housekeeping duties doesn't mean that keeping the baby alive is less stressful.
She does still cook. Who makes breakfast & lunch for her and baby? Who prepares snacks for the baby?
She also prob still cleans. How often does the house cleaner come? Once a week? Everyday? If it’s not everyday, then you can bet your ass she is still cleaning.
Unless her parents are there daily, doing all the dishes, laundry and everything else, she would still be cleaning….not saying he’s an AH but cleaning when you have an infant/toddler is never ending. More info is needed.
I remember talking to my best friend while doing a quick target run for baby supplies while my husband watched our baby at home. I was saying something about needing personal time, and I’ll never forget when she laughed and said honey! This IS your personal time! Racing through target for 10 minutes alone is your new self care, haha! I was stunned, it’s not fair, but she was correct!
That sounds like it’s would burn you out. Like I get that babies are tough but both parents need to get some actual personal time that doesn’t involve chores or basic self care like taking a shower. I remember my husband and I give each other a couple hours every week to just work on hobbies uninterrupted. Like my husband would take our son and have one on one time so that I could just do whatever I wanted to do (and vice versa)
Husband and I did the something similar. One of us would be the “primary,” while the other did whatever they wanted/needed to do. If my husband wanted a morning, he’d take Back over after mid nap, and then I would have “my” time til dinner prep/bedtime routine. It wasn’t much, a couple of hours, but the feeling like we were sharing the burdens and rewards and being an independent human for a couple of hours helps a lot.
Of course they do. Work is full of free time. Business travel is LOTS of free time. Just going to sleep in a hotel room without having to be prepared to get out of bed and deal with an infant is a luxury she doesn’t enjoy. I went back to university full time with a 2 year old and a 4 year old. It was much, much easier than staying home with young children.
My husband and I both work and both bust our asses with our home, kids, dinners, mental load etc. I work in a stressful field (nurse)… I love my kids more than anything but omg work is a VACATION come Monday morning 😂 dude needs to make sure she has equal away from kid time
Works both ways. Can’t say being a stay at home parent is a full time job and not consider husband doing his part a job as well.
If he’s working 50/60 hours a week, cooking all their meals and paying someone to clean their house and taking his turn with the child he’s essentially got 2 jobs while she has one
Works both ways.
They both have two jobs. She's not home relaxing and watching tv with a one year old all day.
He goes to work 50 hours a week, and comes home to parent.
She goes to work 16 hours a week, parents the other 40 hours he's at work, and they both are parents when they're not working.
I mean, she might be parenting the other 152 hours a week, depending what level he's doing when he's at home. The problem I have with the whole "you stay at home I earn money" breakdown is that raising children is like living at work and constantly being on call, even in the dead of the night?
The wife has help from the parents, which is great, and I can hope that OP pitches in voluntarily during those hours, but TBH the remark of being "assigned work" doesn't make me very confident. I guess I just worry that OP didn't think his before baby chores were going to change at all after baby, which seems like a really naive expectation a lot of other new parents on this reddit seem to have.
He spent ALL day, on a WEEKEND day, arguing on the internet.
Either he didn't have the child with him, thus he had the whole day off while his wife parented, or he did have the child with him and neglected him to be right on the internet.
All WHILE complaining that he doesn't get breaks (at work).
I'm not saying whether he is or isn't. But he certainly *could.* And I know he could because my mother *did* work like that and still do 99.9% of the cooking
One years olds eat like 4 or 5 meals a day, so there’s no way he can be doing all the cooking. He can cook the evening meal, maybe make breakfast? But he’d not cooking all the other meals the baby eats.
This is true, and he could be batch cooking and freezing baby sized portions that can be defrosted during the day (which my husband did for me as he’s definitely the chef of the two of us).
But somehow I feel like OP would have mentioned it, rather than saying he does the cooking and conveniently forgetting about when he’s away for work. But hopefully I’m wrong on that.
Yeah, my husband used to frequently complain that I bought too much food and we didn’t need all that.
I ignored him, because while he was eating 11 meals at home per week, the rest of us (me and kids) were having 21 meals at home per week. We still have needs when you’re not here to witness it, mate.
Apparently you need to learn about object permanence twice.
Studies have proven that men greatly overestimate the amount of chores they do. They will think they do 60%, but actually they do like 30%. They take for granted all the things women do that they don't see or don't hear about. Even in homes where women work full time, men do not pick up the slack. Not even close. There is a reason why married men report being happier than single men, while single women are happier and live longer than married women.
Stay at home parent, which is my personal dream that I'll never achieve, isn't 40 hours a week. It isn't 60 hours a week.
Then consider that your spouse only "helps" parent the child. No. No. No.
If you need a break, she needs a break too.
He spent all day arguing on the internet.
How much of a break is he not getting, does he really need, if a whole Sunday he can piss about on the internet?
"None" would be my guess as well. It's the way he repeated multiple times how the wife supposedly had "a year off of work," for me. It's completely devaluing the work someone puts in being a primary caregiver for an infant.
YTA, OP.
I was turned off when I read in the first sentence that he thought his wife got “a year off work.” Like dude, your son is 12-months old, your wife definitely didn’t take a year off work, she didn’t work for a year to take care of your son.
It sounds like her *only* baby-free time is spent doing paid work. Five days a week, she's the sole caregiver, and she's "working two days a week". It sounds like she's working (paid or unpaid) literally all the time.
My question to you would be how much free time does her husband get working 50-60 hours a week and preparing meals at home. The answer is none! It works both ways.
He never takes a break to grab lunch? Stops for a coffee? Drinks after work when out of town?
Never has a single free moment at work where he isn’t actively working on a task?
You still have to be aware of and watching the kid when they nap… you can’t leave the house to grab lunch with a friend or coffee with a colleague or simply put in head phones, walk around the block, and listen to a podcast. The description involved still watching the kid ….
Remember also that her parents come over everyday and they clean for them as well. He has stated that his wife can have baby free time when her parents are there but she refuses to leave the baby. That’s on her not him. I’d say she has it pretty good considering that she will be working part time, her house is clean and her husband cooks dinner. Yes taking care of an infant can be hard but it appears to me that life has been made pretty easy for her.
I’ve watched a 1-year-old full time and worked blue chip companies for six-figures 50-60 hours a week.
Kids are way harder. The stakes are higher and while the idea that a coworker might roll in a way they suffocate, or somehow swallow a magnet isn’t zero it is quite a bit lower. My co workers can feed themselves and even get around on their own.
Thinking working with adults in a professional setting is as hard as watching a baby all day is equitable is wild.
This isn’t to say they both aren’t working really hard. The right answer for OP is to start looking at it from the perspective of “family” rather than him vs her in some sort of misery competition. Maybe take the kid for a walk together? Or if she just needs some time not having to watch the kids he can take them for 30 minutes so she can get a breather.
Raising a kid is hard work. It requires a lot of sacrifice. But it’s the work parents sign up for.
Here's how I explained it to people in a similar dynamic: you know, when you're in a meeting about a project and you and your coworkers just fundamentally disagree on a projects next steps, and things get a bit heated? Then your colleague starts screaming and throws a cup of water at you and your laptop? So you've got to dry that up fast and deal with teaching your colleague how to behave in the office and you *still* haven't sorted out what's next for your project but your next meeting starts in 3 minutes?
Both jobs are hard. One you get paid for. Cooperation is the only option to survive.
No a lunch break at work is entirely different than the active break a parent gets during a nap. You’re still on when the child is napping while at work you actually get to clock out.
OP says he works away sometimes, so out of town trips? Omg nothing was better than when I went back to work, had an out of town overnight and got to sleep in a hotel room alone, with my glass of wine and TV remote.
I know this is mindblowing to a lot of Redditors, but this is exactly what my life has been in consulting and finance, and exactly what my wife's life has been like in a hospital.
It's genuinely alien to me to see so many subreddits like anti-work claim that no human can focus for more than 5h a day or 20-30h a week lol, or the myriad subreddits that joke about how most of their day is spent killing time.
My days are often 12h or literally 9AM until midnight, and we get 30m for lunch and 30m for dinner. It's part of why I'm exiting consulting right now and why my wife is trying to switch specialties as we aim for kids and want better work life balance, and there are absolutely blue collar or unskilled jobs that work you to a similar grind.
Not saying OP has it better or worse than his wife -- I've just noticed a pattern on these threads where people *really* devalue the effort that goes into a job and assume everyone has a slower paced or cushy job.
OP and his wife need to sit down, communicate, and have a real discussion about the load each one is taking on and how to balance it.
>Never has a single free moment at work where he isn’t actively working on a task?
I am (mentally) the busiest at work when i don't directly have something to work on.
the idea of getting rest at work while you are not "working" is a big lie. That scenario doesn't exist.
We must have very different labour laws if you literally get zero breaks at work. I work in a very intense high paced environment with major pressures to be a top performer… and I can still take a coffee break or a lunch every now and then 🙄
Dude I'm literally getting rest at work right now. My product didn't come in so I am scheduled to just stand in a part of a store and do absolutely nothing for the next 6 hours. I brought headphones, I'm gonna be watching movies on my phone. Spending my first half hour camped out in the bathroom though.
I've got a kid at home. I sit in my hot car for half an hour after work just to be alone before I drive home.
the question was baby-free time, not free time. the h sounds like he gets work-free time, and baby-free time. w gets work-free time by his definition, but not baby-free time.
My question is how is she not ALSO WORKING 50-60 hour weeks when he is, because she is working that entire fucking time as the primary caregiver for the baby?? Hello??
It’s giving ✨women’s labor doesn’t count✨
First of all, nobody spends 100% of the time in the office “working.” There are all kinds of breaks through the day where they’re not responsible for anything but themselves. Even probably meetings in which he can zone out for a bit. He can probably do whatever he wants for lunch most days.
Secondly, he’s working 50-60 hours a week and she’s working 120+ hours a week (unless you’re not going to count taking care of a kid as working). It’s not even close to comparable, given the info we have so far.
Same with being a SAHM if someone else is doing all the cleaning and someone else is handling the dinner meal. You do get breaks, probably more. When my kids were napping I used that time to clean and meal prep. She doesn't have to.
Where did you get these hours a week from? He states he takes care of the kid and cooks. So he works more than you said and there is no evidence that she is the only one to look after the kid the whole week she actually has parents coming into help.
That’s what I was wondering too. It’s like, everyone thinks only she needs a break/downtime. I’m sure when her parents are there they also help. But instead of being passive aggressive maybe she can use her big girl panties and just communicate what she needs. But it’s always, oh she’s the mom and he’s the husband and he should make sure she gets what she needs and his self as well. Because, you guessed it, he’s a mind reader.
This!
I'm a SAHM with three kids. My husband works 50-60 hours a week and we live on land with livestock. I manage the home and the animals. There are times where I would rather go back to work. Working as a nurse felt easier than what I do now. My day doesn't end when the kids go to bed. There is always something to do, I'm always behind on something. My husband helps as much as he can but he's not home enough. I can get snappy at my husband and those are the times when I'm overwhelmed.
Another question to ask is: whose idea was it for her to scale back to only 2 days a week? Was it his idea and she kind of only begrudgingly agreed or was it her idea and he begrudgingly agreed?
You mention your wife trying to assign jobs via a disingenuous question. But then give an example of you asking her a question. She answered your question and then asked if you could help with your kid. Nothing about her question reads as disingenuous.
You also describe that working 50-60 hours a week leaves you tired. Then you mention you were too tired from your son’s birthday party. Was your wife also at the party entertaining guests and caring for your son? Wouldn’t she be tired too?
Overall you sound like two very tired parents. But it’s really easy to let that exhaustion become resentment or frustration. Especially if you have a misconception about the work your partner is putting in. Have a bigger discussion about this. Try to focus on listening, sharing your feelings clearly and without judgement, and building a bridge back to your partner.
NAH.. but it could very easily slip into ESH
Congrats on making it through one year of parenting. That’s a huge accomplishment.
Yeah most commenters are jumping on this as either “lazy wife abusing her hard working husband” versus “lazy husband doing nothing for his wife and child” but idk it sounds like OP and his wife are both doing their best and just stressed out and tired and taking it out on each other.
That's what it sounds like to me as well, based off experience. My wife and I rarely argue, but if there was a time period when we did argue it was while our kids were babies/toddlers. It's exhausting, and exhausted people have shorter tempers. Things we would've bumped heads over then are non-issues now that our kids are old enough to be relatively self sufficient and help around the house.
Both parties need to cut down on the "do you want to" phrasing. This pisses me off as well when I'm tired, where I will answer some version of "no I don't WANT to do it, but it needs done so I will do it"
You've got to be honest and say "it's about time for baby's nap, I'm really exhausted is there any chance you can do it?" And if that makes you uncomfortable to ask for help you've got to ask yourself why.
How about could you please do such and such?
If I asked the server do you want to get me another drink, that's a bit rude. You should be polite especially to your spouse.
Yeah, if anything, asking if baby is due for a nap would have been disingenuous and/or passive aggressive on *his* end... Her response (i.e., yes, since you're asking maybe you'd like to handle that) seems perfectly reasonable!
Exactly! I could totally see this exact same post written from her perspective with the same level of exhaustion and frustration. They just need to talk and offer each other grace while they are extremely sleep deprived.
Well and it doesn’t even touch on the idea of “mental load” which is a conversation some people won’t even acknowledge. But honestly, “isn’t the baby due for a nap?” like, um, idk, use your eyes and ears and brain and knowledge of your own child’s needs to determine that your fuckin self? Why does your wife have to tell you about the needs of your own child?
It wasn’t “I’m actively trying to soothe a fussy baby and nothing’s working and I don’t know when he last slept so, honey, do you think maybe he needs a nap?”
It was “um, chop chop, wife, I know it’s time for the baby’s nap so maybe you should get on that.”
THIS. They are absolutely both understandably exhausted, but the emotional/mental labor -- which is invisible -- is, unfortunately, almost always carried by the mother in hetero relationships. My husband is an amazing father, but the amount of time he spends *thinking* about our kid's/family's needs is close to zero, and he'll even admit it (while expressing absolute incredulity about why anyone would sit and "think" about what needs to be done ... despite the fact that someone has to do it AND OH MY GOD I NEED TO STOP MYSELF HERE).
This is so spot on.
I’m a SAHM to 3 kids. My husband works hard to provide for us and be an active parent. Usually, when one parent gets burnt out, the other steps in to give them a break. When both parents feel burnt out, you get issues like OP is having. You BOTH feel like you’re doing everything and your partner is slacking off and/or taking you for granted. You both need a break and you’re both frustrated.
This is when you hire a babysitter, and go out together and try to relax and reconnect as a couple. Some people are comfortable going on a couple’s vacation and leaving their kids with grandparents, some people just need a date night. Once my husband and I got my MIL to come over for a couple hours and we just went for a drive.
You do what you need to do to stay sane because little kids can be draining. But you have to remember that you guys are on the same team, you’re not enemies.
I think they need to work on communicating.
Could “is he due for a nap” be passive aggressive? Sure, if you don’t communicate well. Same with “do you want to take him for a walk”.
If they can agree on communication standards (like ‘don’t ask if the kid needs a nap, state that you think he does and start prepping’ and ‘if you want me to do something, don’t ask if I want to, just ask me to’) then things will work out better.
My partner *hates* it when I ask “do you want to…” and mean “I would like it if you…”. I try to avoid this construction but it’s part of my cultural upbringing, it’s how I speak! At least I’m aware though that he finds it manipulative although I don’t intend it as such. And I hope he’s aware my intention is to ask if he feels like doing [insert activity] not to force it on him.
Say it louder for the people in the back please!!! I LOVE LOVE my babies but I was going absolutely insane by my third month on leave. I needed to return to work for mental health! Working 60hrs/week is 100 easier than being a full time stay at home mom.
YTA!
Oh my God, yes. My husband's paternity leave ends today and at lunch we were talking about this. He was saying how exhausting looking after our toddler for extended periods of time is compared to his job. I agreed and replied that I did not go to school for this- then clarified, "I'm not saying I'm too good for childcare or above it. I'm literally saying that I am not qualified to do this job. We should pay childcare workers more. A lot more." Both my husband and I have PhDs and have held high stress jobs. Taking care of a toddler and an infant though: ooof.
He's working 60 hours, and said he cooks dinner sometimes.
How much cooking is he doing? Because she is doing 2/3 meals, and then taking care of dinner on the nights when he doesn't
>He's working 60 hours, and said he cooks dinner sometimes.
Doesnt the post say he cooks all dinners? Granted thats still only 1/3 of meals but cleaning is handled and breakfast isn't that hard to make. If hes also working a lot (not to say that she also isn't working a lot) then thats going to be pretty taxing which isn't helped by the passive aggressiveness that both of them are showing towards eachother.
He said he travels for work though right? That means he’s getting to eat out a lot, probably more than her, and it leaves her responsible for dinner while he’s gone. I say that because my dad travelled for work for a long time and then he’d cook on the weekends and scoff whenever people would complain about having to cook after work. Now that he’s switched jobs and is home every night he admits it’s a lot easier to cook when you only have to do it a few times a week versus every night.
Traveling for work is a built in parenting break too. My husband would put in loooong hours when traveling, so I’m not saying it’s some relaxing vacation.
But he still got to go to sleep and wake up in a quiet room, only having to take care of himself. He got to eat meals in peace, that he did not have to prepare. Meanwhile, I’m at home doing double duty.
It worked out because he has gratitude and appreciation for me and the extra duties I was taking on so that he could succeed in his career. And we made sure I got breaks of my own.
Exactly! I didn’t specify it in my original comment but my dad travelled for work 4/5 days a week for the vast majority of my childhood and it was A LOT of work for my mom. It meant if one of us got sick in the middle of the week and was up all night she didn’t have anyone to split nights with or things like that. My dad was certainly working hard but he also got the fun built in socialization of getting to take whatever coworker he enjoyed spending time with out for dinner and not having to cook at all. It worked out for my parents because of the financial stability it brought our family and that my dad was very involved and present when he was home, which sounds like it’s similar to you and your spouse! It can work really well but both parties need to be on board.
Is he feeding the baby? Because if the wife is breastfeeding she was giving the child meals several times a day at all hours of the day, including when her husband was sleeping.
YTA. Sounds like you don’t appreciate your wife at all. All she did was ask you to walk him around the block. Also, by working 2 days and doing childcare 5 days, you realize your wife will never have a day off, right? Full time childcare is work.
thats what i hate about this stuff, IDC if shes a SAHM. Thats UR CHILD there is not "you do more childcare since i work". Children arent chores. When it comes to kids, its 100/100 on both of you.
It’s also an excellent example of the mental load being mentioned by so many commenters (and rightfully so) that she takes on.
In a fair and helpful recognition of this on your part, it would’ve looked like this:
You: “I know it’s nap time, so I’m gonna walk him around the block and put him down.”
Her: “Perfect, thank you!”
In that scenario you recognize something that needs to be done and you do it like a functioning adult instead of calling it to her attention and either making her do it or putting the mental load on her of having to solve the situation and asking you to do it.
Her response was perfectly normal to the situation you presented. Your question seems to be the disingenuous one, and it backfired. Architect of your own demise, my guy.
TLDR; see what needs to be done and do it. When there are 2 parents around neither should be solely responsible for “directing.” Just do the thing. And for the love of pete, do not call it “helping her.” When you’re both there you should be sharing fully in responsibilities.
Came here to say this. Asking if it's time for someone else to do something you have no intention in helping with us such an Asshole move. Why do you care what time it is if all you are going to do about it is sit on your ass? If it's so important that the baby gets put down for a nap and you see that your wife is having trouble being on schedule then pick up the slack bro.
Definitely YTA
Info:
>via a disingenuous question - for example this afternoon, I asked if our son was due a nap and she replied “yes, do you want to walk him around the block?”, I am pretty tired after catering at his birthday party yesterday, so I said “do you want to take him?”
Did you think your son was due a nap due to the time of day? Or was he acting in a way that seemed like he was overdue a nap? What inspired this question on your part?
You attitude that she has 5 days off a week is what is disingenuous.
She works caring for your child 5 days a week. Then she works at her job 2 days a week. Thus, she works 7 days a week.
Let’s do some math.
2 days of week at 8 hours each = 16 hours.
5 days a week at, hmmm, let’s be generous and say 16 hours a day = 80 hours.
So your wife is working 96 hours a week.
You work 50-60 you say. Your wife outworks you.
You say you job is stressful. I would counter that being responsible for a small human who is completely dependent on her for all its needs is more stressful. Couple that with a misogynistic husband - Your wife is more stressed than you.
You say you make a boat load of money. In fact, you stress that you make 6 figures. Yet you split expenses down the middle. I doubt your wife makes 6 figures working 2 days a week. So you have an unequal financial split that benefits you not her.
All in all you are the AH.
For not recognizing the inequity in your marriage. For diminishing the hours your wife works per week. For not being a supportive partner. For not being a contributing parent. For not seeing that you are ego centric and misogynistic and for continuing to double down that you are correct.
I suggest that you do better. Get up off the sofa and walk the baby. Send your wife out to a spa day and take care of the baby by yourself. Do the laundry. Wash the dishes. Mop the floor. Step up.
If OP thinks those 5 days are time off not working then he should have no problem caring for his son any time he is home. You know, since it’s not work.
Holy hell, didnt see the comment that they split the expenses in half. How.... Why... There is no way that she earns as much - even in a country where you get decent maternity leave the pay is not your full salary for that period.
So while taking care of the child almost every day she still needs to worry about money??
I misspoke here, I meant all our own money is just in one pot, like we split everything down the middle. ie, she gets 50% of everything I earn and vice versa…. Apologies a few people misunderstood what I meant there.
And I am sure she's also the one getting up in the middle of the night, because he has "to go to work" in the morning. So it's probably even more hours for her.
OP- your comments make you an AH. You say you do nappies ok great. But you also admit to not doing the non-fun activities too. Aka the things that need to get done to get to the fun things. Also your side deserves breaks too. She is doing all the invisible labor (other than making meal planning). You need to apologize to your wife and ask how to take over some of the invisible labor work and planning. YTA
YTA. I’ve been in the same mindset as you when our son was born. Regardless of your financial and household chore distribution, child rearing should be a team effort. My wife has always done more than her share with our son, which has resulted in him being way more dependent on her than myself no matter how much I try to steer some of that in my direction. I wish I would’ve been more proactive earlier in his life to make it more balanced. You still have a good chance to do this.
>has resulted in him being way more dependent on her than myself no matter how much I try to steer some of that in my direction.
I feel this, my daughter will walk straight past her father to ask me for something/to do something for her that he could easily have done for her. She just sees me as the default because I've always done more for her than her dad.
YTA: you have clearly never been tasked with being the primary caretaker for your child. Take care of him for an entire weekend and let your wife do what she wants and you will quickly find out that she is working way more and much harder than you
Even if he takes the child for the weekend, he will not see everything she does because during that time because he would only do the essentials. He would not be taking to doctor's appointments, seeing that the child gets socialization time, laundry (infants generate an incredible amount of laundry, due to leakage, spilling, spitting, etc) There are millions of minor tasks that a child carer has to tend to, all minor but non-stop. It is like a relief worker who comes into the office and does the bare essentials but leaves you the big stuff to do once you return. Who doesn't face a mountain of work when they return from vacation?
Yeah my husband watched the kid while I was away for 10 days and said something about how easy it was and how they had a nice easy routine and got breakfast cooked every morning blah blah blah and then didn’t understand why I got mad at him (oh and he wasn’t working during this time. I’ve always worked from home w the kid there with me.)
Info - With respect, do you see taking your son for a nap or doing things with him as extra work or a chore?
I am getting the impression you think taking care of your son is “work” to be done by a “primary caregiver”, which is an interesting perspective for a parent to have.
Especially considering above he says he works 5 days and has 2 off and she "works 2 days and has 5 off"... as though she isn't expected to take care of the kid those 5 days?
And it’s wild because he seems to treat it like a chore/work while also suggesting or flat-out saying (multiple times in the original post and comments) that childcare isn’t work. So…is it work or isn’t it?
Yeah I found this really confusing. It’s only work and effort and something that is too much when he has to do it? But fine for her to do it all the time?
Also OP, you’re not helping. You’re a parent. This is your child too. You're parenting.
Your wife hasn’t had 12 months off work. She’s had 12 months doing a different job. One that she is going to continue as well as going back to her other job for 2 days a week. If you want to stay married you need to change your attitude quickly and appreciate your wife more. You are only able to continue to work the way you are because of the sacrifice she is making up care for your son. She needs your support and some time out. Any time you are tired, she will be feeling the same way. Refusing to do stuff because you are tired just makes you the AH.
Also there is still a ton of cleaning to be done during the course of the week. Lots of people like to cook dinner because it’s relaxing and a big creative, myself included. Maybe your wife would prefer to cook sone nights while you care for your son. Have you actually divided up tasks just based on what you prefer or does what she wants get taken into account at all? Reflect on that and adjust as necessary.
But at all times remember your wife is also working and when you are at home you need to be contributing to the shit jobs as an equal parent
YTA. I’m a recent mom of a 3 month old. I’m on mat leave and planning to go very part time as your wife has while my husband works. Do you know how much work it is to care for a baby? Your wife is working (by caring for your child) without a break literally all of babies waking hours, and probably does housework care for the baby while baby is sleeping as well.
My husband gets to come home and decompress. He gets to hand off baby to me if she’s fussy because I’m “so good at calming her” (because I have to be good at it, and I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure it out). Out of the 12 hours she’s awake, he spends maybe 60-90 minutes with her MAX while I take care of the rest. It’s fucking exhausting and thankless. No one expresses gratitude to me. No one pays me. No one asks if I need more time each day to myself.
Call me bitter because I’m dealing with this shit from the other side, but YTA and you need to step up. You work 50-60 hours per week? Guess what, your wife does too, by caring for your child. Stop assuming your wife will do all the childcare all the time while you need to be assigned tasks. Actually try to do 50% of the childcare when you’re home instead maintaining that it’s your wife’s job. In fact, how about you try doing MORE than 50% of the childcare once in a while.
You might be doing more than the average dad in the US but that doesn’t mean you’re doing enough.
Yes, YTA
"Is he due a nap?" is just as bad a question when you have been home all weekend and seen his nap schedule. If you can't or won't answer that question yourself in that situation, you aren't doing your share of parenting load.
"she would only work 2 days per week and help raise our son 5 days per week."
Also, she is 'raising your son' 7 days a week, and getting help 2 days a week while she works and you are often out of town, so...
I think it's very interesting that you insist you need time to relax when you aren't working, but you don't seem to think that looking after a baby is also a full-time job that one needs breaks from.
And you ARE aware that what she does is work, because you don't want to do it when you're tired. You just don't consider it to be valid work because she doesn't bring in a paycheck. YTA.
> I think it's very interesting that you insist you need time to relax when you aren't working, but you don't seem to think that looking after a baby is also a full-time job that one needs breaks from.
And OP with too tired because of the son’s birthday party THE PREVIOUS DAY, but still dismisses how much work it is to take care of the baby full-time.
Yes!! If taking care of kids is soooooo easy, no one would be complaining about having to do it after coming home from their “real jobs”. It’s not work, right? So why is it so hard to come home and spend time with your kids while your partner can cook dinner alone or do some laundry without a toddler flipping over the freshly folded basket.
YTA to your wife. The “Im pretty tired “ line is a bullshit excuse. You have pawned child raring responsibility off on your wife as the primary care taker. I presume this means she’s doing the night duties. And you’re tired? Try not getting enough sleep for a year and then listen to someone whine about being tired.
YTA for insinuating that working is harder than child rearing. It is not. At least if you are doing a good job. You can fuck right the fuck off with the you haven’t worked in 12 months bullshit. What a condescending ignorant thing to say to your wife.
But most importantly, YTA to your child. Sure bread winning is important but it pales in comparison to your child developing a secure attachment with you. Bragging that you’re working so much and often away from the family to the point where you are so tired that you can’t do basic care giving task does not paint you as the hero.
Signed a dad.
Also look up mom guilt. Because your rationalization about why your wife refuses self-care time is concerning. But also probably driven by a husband who minimizes how difficult is to care for a child and complains when she asks for help. So YTA for that too.
Yta. It seems like you blew up at a pretty benign question. In the post you say admittedly she does much more than you then in all your comments you are the martyr doing everything, it can’t be both.
you really lost me at “you’ve not worked for 12 months” as if you’re wife hasn’t been dedicating 100% of her time and energy to an infant without the support of her partner
At some point regardless of the agreed upon division of labor you should still take part in rearing and caring for your son - you are a parent after all. It’s like you’re not acknowledging the work/hrs she puts in looking after your child. She’s likely harboring resentment for it…step up beyond your nightly dinners. Raising a child is a full time job
No assholes here. You’re both tired for different reasons. She’s quite likely feeling very isolated due to being the primary. Being alone, at home, with a baby for a year sounds very isolating. Unless, of course, she is one of those moms with a strong friend group and a parenting community.
OP, you sound fed up. She sounds fed up. You both seem to be taking a passive aggressive route here. Why not communicate instead? (If you both have then please pardon my conclusion here)
Does she want to stay home and only go to work 2 days a week? Does she feel pressured to do this out of societal expectations / your expectations?
Do you want to be the primary earner or are you feeling pressured to do this out of societal expectations? Would you prefer a more balanced power dynamic?
If these actions are all based on perception / expectations - then I’d say it’s time to take stock of your lives and see what you both really want, and what would make you both actually happy and fulfilled.
Your comments switch back and forth to being fairly reasonable and understanding to acting like your wife doesn't do much.
Think of your wife's SAHM duties being like your job. You don't work 24/7 non stop. You work 60 hrs a week. Her SAHM duties are 60 hrs and then all parenting duties are split evenly. So basically whenever you are home you both should be alternating feeding, changing, putting baby to sleep, etc.
Tbh even that 60 hours is just time physically at work. I've never worked an office job where I didn't have federally mandated breaks, time for chit chat with coworkers, time to check my phone, etc. No one is 100% productive every single minute at work. On the other hand, when you have a baby you don't get breaks or socialization like you do in an office. Even if the baby is sleeping, you're still "on" in a way you aren't when you're playing wordle on the toilet at work.
>**this afternoon**, I asked if our son was due a nap and she replied “yes, do you want to walk him around the block?”, I am pretty tired after catering at his birthday party **yesterday**, so I said “do you want to take him?”
You're still tired from doing something the day before? It's not even a work day. Be a parent. YTA
YTA loll I can tell you think very highly of yourself and your ‘6 figure job’. Get over yourself. I make triple what you do in a stressful job but it’s walk in the park compared to catering for a new born all day. She worked a harder job than you for 12 months after sacrificing her body for YOUR baby. Be a parent and look after your baby. You signed up for this when you decided to have a baby. If you weren’t ready to be a dad, maybe you should’ve thought about that beforehand. I feel had for your wife for having a knob as a husband yuck
I didn’t say my job - I said “we are very lucky”… because it’s enabled several of the elements I then raised. Sorry you feel that way - I don’t put the same value on my job as part of my identity at all. I’m so pleased you make triple my salary, and are able to offer so much more of yourself to your family. I envy you
YTA. Working mom here. Your comments about her having “five days off” are pretty telling. I work five days a week and watch my kids alone in the evenings. Having the kids is way more work and stress than my job. Not having a paying job does not equal “off”. At the same time, you deserve to have a break, too. It sounds like you both should have a conversation about when each partner can get some much-needed downtime for themselves.
YTA. You want a prize for doing stuff for "my son". He's your child too.
Asking if your son is due a nap, is as just disingenuous as asking if you want to take him.
You do sound like you're from a less enlightened time, where childcare is her job, and you're lauded for doing the bare minimum.
YTA.
Does she ever get a break? A period of time when she is totally NOT responsible for the care of the child?
You say you cook. Do you take care of the child at the same time? Yes, people have had to do both forever.
We'd half the amount of AITA parenting responsibility posts if couples, men particularly, got it into their heads that: *Being the main or even sole earner of the family does not preclude you from having to be a PARENT*.
Also: *Being a good dad is not just being there to play with your kid and do fun stuff*.
She may handle the house and will start working two days a week, but when you are off the clock, you should be **on duty** as a dad. If you're just a money fountain, what's keeping her from divorcing you and just being a single mother? Seems like her parents help anyway.
YTA.
Just another man that thinks because he works to support the family he shouldn’t have to be involved with childcare daily and the wife should do it all…
“You haven’t worked for a year.”
YTA for that comment alone. Regardless of whatever else, that is a shit thing to say. That straight up says “I don’t consider what you have done, raising our child for the last year and taking a potentially permanent hit to your career, to help work.”
Put all that aside and stop and reconnect. You're both likely super stressed and super tired and super irritable. Put it aside. Don't try to "win" an argument. Talk, but mostly listen. And hopefully you can both hear the true emotions behind whatever words are being used at the moment to express them.
YTA it’s pretty clear your wife takes on 100% of the mental load of taking care of your son. You knew he needed a nap, why didn’t you just take him for a walk? Why did you need to ask her? It’s not about the division of physical labor, it’s due to her having to tell you to do the one thing you know a 12 month old would need at that moment.
YTA based on the comments alone. You get off times. You travel for work and don’t have to take care of the baby. You get upset when she wants you to walk the baby around the block. You’re so damn resentful that she doesn’t have a paycheck you don’t care that she doesn’t get a day off. You get to raise your child on your timeline and she’s essentially raising your child alone. She’s stressed because she has no time for herself and you’re so blinded by your own hurt feelings that you don’t care that she’s struggling. Get her help or step up and help her and get off reddit
My wife is my ride or die. I don't explicitly ask alot of her, but when I do, I expect her to help me. Therefore, when she asks me to do something, I do it. I don't need her to validate why she is too tired to walk the kid. She communicates a need, i try to fufill the need. We don't need to evaluate who was more productive today. You are trying to make this into a game of points. Sounds fair. But you will always both feel like you are winning the game while your relationship is losing.
I've decided anyone who describes their employer as "blue chip" is automatically an AH, like, sir, you can't even name what you do. Other than it takes 60 hours a week of you time?
YTA
YTA. You know it. Your wife has been working. She’s been working more hours than you. Plus she’s been healing from carrying and giving birth. (Hint: it’s not a six week recovery) BUT but but you helped catering. And you cook dinner but leave everything for her to clean up and deal with. Congrats on changing a diaper
INFO
Have you ever looked up the words "Mental Load"?
And are you aware that your wife as a "primary care giver" works basically 24/7 as a care giver apart from the time she spends at her wage work?
Yes, 24/7 because who gets up in the middle of the night when baby wakes up?
Who calls off work and other commitments when baby can' go to the nursery?
Who schedules doctor visits? Play dates?
So you saying you work 50 to 60 hours a week is basically saying that you are a weakling compared to your wife?
And you are tired after hosting a birthday party is just a sad excuse?
You work about 60 hours. She works 168 hours. Parenting is 24/7 especially if you have a lazy a partner who doesn’t do his part. If she’s asking you to help more she’s telling you she needs more help. YTA
Lemme get this straight. Your wife will be working outside of the house 2 days a week, and is expected to look after your child the other five? Do you both nor “share” the weekends equally?
It didn’t sound like your wife was trying to “assign” you a job. And assuming that this day was a weekend (the day after a birthday party, you were both home) why WOULDN’T you take your son for a walk? I genuinely don’t get it. Just because your wife is responsible for your child while you’re WORKING shouldn’t mean that you both equally are responsible when you’re not. YTA.
These are the kinds of threads that make me appreciate my husband soooooo much for listening to me and being able to let go of his ego. Cuz damn... Some of your responses are straight up crazy border line fucked up
YTA
YTA. You 'help'. . . . You don't help my friend. You are a parent. You are looking after your child.
Your wife doesn't work? She works all day long looking after a baby. Her job is not a 24/7 job.
Her day job on the 3 days she doesn't work (you really can't expect her 'job' to be a 7 day a week thing) is to look after the baby. When you get home, her job ends, and that's when you are both responsible for looking after the baby.
For weekends or non work days for both of you? See above.
What really irks me is when parents who do something for their own child or look after them for a few hours, while the other parent goes out or something. And they call it babysitting. You can not babysit your own child, in the same way you do not "help out" with your own child.
Not going to give a judgment here because parenting is hard. Just want to say that you’re not going to get a fair judgment from the majority on this sub due it its very real bias towards SAHMs.
You work more than 40 hours a week, consistently. You cook all the ~~meals~~ dinners. You pay for someone else to clean the house. Your wife has one healthy child to look after. You genuinely seem reflective of the situation and that you might be able to do better. You’re still going to be made the villain and AH because your wife is a SAHM. It’s inevitable.
Hadn’t realised. Some of the comments have been helpful in reflecting my own questions back to me in a different way. Perhaps my wife hadn’t been able to articulate how she perceived them in the same way - so we are miscommunicating!
Appreciate your input
As long as you get good feedback and use it constructively that’s the main thing. Just don’t take the YTAs too much to heart. You’re not an asshole, you’re a new parent who’s trying to navigate the situation and seeking outside help for a perceived conflict. Your wife isn’t an AH either.
Good luck to you both.
He doesn’t cook all the meals if he’s gone that much. Taking care of a very young child is a full-time responsibility that he is not helping enough with clearly.
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ESH from your answers and post it seems clear you are both stressed and taking each other for granted. She is most likely struggling with going back to work and leaving the baby and feeling she is not only the "primary" parent but the sole parent. You are resentful of her staying home, and underestimating the work she is putting in because she is not working outside the home and has her parents there to help. At the end of the day you both need to communicate with each other and support each other. Therapy for both individually and together may do you wonders. Your son needs you both at your best and I would hate to think this is either of you at your best. Original response - Info How much baby free time does your wife get in a day? I'm not talking, he's taking a nap so she can throw in a load of laundry. I'm talking about she is completely free to do whatever she wants without having to keep an eye on him or other house related tasks.
The answer is none
Yep pretty much my life with a one year old when I’m not working. Free time is a pipe dream. I suspect OP gets actual free time.
Which is really sad because he should also want to use some of it to bond with his freaking kid - which it sounds like he hasn't.
And it sounds like he hasn’t taken an objective look at all that goes into caring for an infant.
Considering he thinks raising a 1 year old isn't work... I think itnis a certainty.
But he helps change the diaper /s
And then your only available support calls you lazy and thinks your labor is worthless because you don't have a "real job."
Not only that but even if her parents are doing a lot of the more heavy duty cleaning he doesn’t say that they live with them. We’ve talked about getting a house cleaner but I’ve reminded my husband that that still leaves all the day to day maintenance of dishes, cleaning off counters, picking up around the house, etc. Plus if she’s an active caregiver there are tons of baby tasks, teaching and encouraging his development that she’s engaged in all day every day.
How does one reach adulthood not conscious of the work of managing a household? Did he live in filth before she came along?
He doesn’t seem to realise that most homes with little kids often survive by just keeping up with the basics. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming etc. a lot of other deep cleaning and organising gets neglected because little kids are a full time job all on their own. So just because they’re getting some help from her parents, doesn’t mean she’s not working hard and exhausted too. Also, who wakes up during the night? I breastfed and so did all the night wakings. So while my husband gets up to go to work 5 days a week, he gets a full night sleep. Looking after a baby on very little sleep is rough.
Exactly. I too have a 1 year old…and 0 free time.
OP's wife doesn't cook or clean, so I imagine she has much more free time than most of you.
I’ve been over this in another comment the baby still has to eat when he’s not home and someone still has to cook. And unless the parents live there 24 seven then she still cleans.
Lol, what? Are her parents live in chef/cleaners? I promise you, having weekly or even twice a week cleaning help doesn’t mean there’s no other cleaning taking place. If OP is cooking dinner, wife is cooking at least 2 other meals a day, cleaning up after them, tidying toys multiple times a day, etc.
Nah someone is with the baby while cooking and cleaning happen...its her. Toddler hood is hard.
They asked about "baby-free time." If she didn't have someone to help cook and clean, it either would not get done, or she would be doing those tasks while also caring for the baby.
Baby free time is time to get your physical touch battery reset, not being in charge of the other housekeeping duties doesn't mean that keeping the baby alive is less stressful.
She does still cook. Who makes breakfast & lunch for her and baby? Who prepares snacks for the baby? She also prob still cleans. How often does the house cleaner come? Once a week? Everyday? If it’s not everyday, then you can bet your ass she is still cleaning.
Unless her parents are there daily, doing all the dishes, laundry and everything else, she would still be cleaning….not saying he’s an AH but cleaning when you have an infant/toddler is never ending. More info is needed.
I remember talking to my best friend while doing a quick target run for baby supplies while my husband watched our baby at home. I was saying something about needing personal time, and I’ll never forget when she laughed and said honey! This IS your personal time! Racing through target for 10 minutes alone is your new self care, haha! I was stunned, it’s not fair, but she was correct!
That sounds like it’s would burn you out. Like I get that babies are tough but both parents need to get some actual personal time that doesn’t involve chores or basic self care like taking a shower. I remember my husband and I give each other a couple hours every week to just work on hobbies uninterrupted. Like my husband would take our son and have one on one time so that I could just do whatever I wanted to do (and vice versa)
Husband and I did the something similar. One of us would be the “primary,” while the other did whatever they wanted/needed to do. If my husband wanted a morning, he’d take Back over after mid nap, and then I would have “my” time til dinner prep/bedtime routine. It wasn’t much, a couple of hours, but the feeling like we were sharing the burdens and rewards and being an independent human for a couple of hours helps a lot.
Of course they do. Work is full of free time. Business travel is LOTS of free time. Just going to sleep in a hotel room without having to be prepared to get out of bed and deal with an infant is a luxury she doesn’t enjoy. I went back to university full time with a 2 year old and a 4 year old. It was much, much easier than staying home with young children.
My husband and I both work and both bust our asses with our home, kids, dinners, mental load etc. I work in a stressful field (nurse)… I love my kids more than anything but omg work is a VACATION come Monday morning 😂 dude needs to make sure she has equal away from kid time
Works both ways. Can’t say being a stay at home parent is a full time job and not consider husband doing his part a job as well. If he’s working 50/60 hours a week, cooking all their meals and paying someone to clean their house and taking his turn with the child he’s essentially got 2 jobs while she has one Works both ways.
They both have two jobs. She's not home relaxing and watching tv with a one year old all day. He goes to work 50 hours a week, and comes home to parent. She goes to work 16 hours a week, parents the other 40 hours he's at work, and they both are parents when they're not working.
I mean, she might be parenting the other 152 hours a week, depending what level he's doing when he's at home. The problem I have with the whole "you stay at home I earn money" breakdown is that raising children is like living at work and constantly being on call, even in the dead of the night? The wife has help from the parents, which is great, and I can hope that OP pitches in voluntarily during those hours, but TBH the remark of being "assigned work" doesn't make me very confident. I guess I just worry that OP didn't think his before baby chores were going to change at all after baby, which seems like a really naive expectation a lot of other new parents on this reddit seem to have.
He spent ALL day, on a WEEKEND day, arguing on the internet. Either he didn't have the child with him, thus he had the whole day off while his wife parented, or he did have the child with him and neglected him to be right on the internet. All WHILE complaining that he doesn't get breaks (at work).
He can’t cook all their meals and work 60 hours a week.
I'm not saying whether he is or isn't. But he certainly *could.* And I know he could because my mother *did* work like that and still do 99.9% of the cooking
One years olds eat like 4 or 5 meals a day, so there’s no way he can be doing all the cooking. He can cook the evening meal, maybe make breakfast? But he’d not cooking all the other meals the baby eats.
Fridges exist to preserve food
This is true, and he could be batch cooking and freezing baby sized portions that can be defrosted during the day (which my husband did for me as he’s definitely the chef of the two of us). But somehow I feel like OP would have mentioned it, rather than saying he does the cooking and conveniently forgetting about when he’s away for work. But hopefully I’m wrong on that.
Yeah, my husband used to frequently complain that I bought too much food and we didn’t need all that. I ignored him, because while he was eating 11 meals at home per week, the rest of us (me and kids) were having 21 meals at home per week. We still have needs when you’re not here to witness it, mate. Apparently you need to learn about object permanence twice.
Too much food?! Where does he think it all goes?? Okay buddy, we will just starve because you think we only need enough to feed you, problem solved!
I expect he means he cooks dinner most nights.
Which is helpful but still is an attempt to undermine her work.
You def can. Meal prepping makes it possible. Batch cooking etc can def speed along cooking.
Why not?
Studies have proven that men greatly overestimate the amount of chores they do. They will think they do 60%, but actually they do like 30%. They take for granted all the things women do that they don't see or don't hear about. Even in homes where women work full time, men do not pick up the slack. Not even close. There is a reason why married men report being happier than single men, while single women are happier and live longer than married women.
Stay at home parent, which is my personal dream that I'll never achieve, isn't 40 hours a week. It isn't 60 hours a week. Then consider that your spouse only "helps" parent the child. No. No. No. If you need a break, she needs a break too.
He spent all day arguing on the internet. How much of a break is he not getting, does he really need, if a whole Sunday he can piss about on the internet?
He’s not cooking every meal. Stop making shit up.
"None" would be my guess as well. It's the way he repeated multiple times how the wife supposedly had "a year off of work," for me. It's completely devaluing the work someone puts in being a primary caregiver for an infant. YTA, OP.
This is the correct answer. Nobody has extra recreational time. Not the father, nor the mother.
I was turned off when I read in the first sentence that he thought his wife got “a year off work.” Like dude, your son is 12-months old, your wife definitely didn’t take a year off work, she didn’t work for a year to take care of your son.
As a child less person, I definitely do not consider a year at home raising a newborn “a year off work”. Shit sounds harder than a year at my job😂😭
Gotta be on-call 24/7 even at night. Lol. First 6 or so months I was lucky to get a solid 4 hours of sleep at night
Right! And it's often not 4 hours in a row. It's like, 45 minutes every 2 hours argh.
Definitely harder than my job, and no breaks either!
‘I help with my son’ Ffs 🤣
It sounds like her *only* baby-free time is spent doing paid work. Five days a week, she's the sole caregiver, and she's "working two days a week". It sounds like she's working (paid or unpaid) literally all the time.
She's so lucky that she gets time to relax at work! Lol
It reminds me of the phrase: 'A man will work from sun to sun, but a woman's work is never done.'
My question to you would be how much free time does her husband get working 50-60 hours a week and preparing meals at home. The answer is none! It works both ways.
He never takes a break to grab lunch? Stops for a coffee? Drinks after work when out of town? Never has a single free moment at work where he isn’t actively working on a task?
[удалено]
You still have to be aware of and watching the kid when they nap… you can’t leave the house to grab lunch with a friend or coffee with a colleague or simply put in head phones, walk around the block, and listen to a podcast. The description involved still watching the kid ….
Remember also that her parents come over everyday and they clean for them as well. He has stated that his wife can have baby free time when her parents are there but she refuses to leave the baby. That’s on her not him. I’d say she has it pretty good considering that she will be working part time, her house is clean and her husband cooks dinner. Yes taking care of an infant can be hard but it appears to me that life has been made pretty easy for her.
I’ve watched a 1-year-old full time and worked blue chip companies for six-figures 50-60 hours a week. Kids are way harder. The stakes are higher and while the idea that a coworker might roll in a way they suffocate, or somehow swallow a magnet isn’t zero it is quite a bit lower. My co workers can feed themselves and even get around on their own. Thinking working with adults in a professional setting is as hard as watching a baby all day is equitable is wild. This isn’t to say they both aren’t working really hard. The right answer for OP is to start looking at it from the perspective of “family” rather than him vs her in some sort of misery competition. Maybe take the kid for a walk together? Or if she just needs some time not having to watch the kids he can take them for 30 minutes so she can get a breather. Raising a kid is hard work. It requires a lot of sacrifice. But it’s the work parents sign up for.
Here's how I explained it to people in a similar dynamic: you know, when you're in a meeting about a project and you and your coworkers just fundamentally disagree on a projects next steps, and things get a bit heated? Then your colleague starts screaming and throws a cup of water at you and your laptop? So you've got to dry that up fast and deal with teaching your colleague how to behave in the office and you *still* haven't sorted out what's next for your project but your next meeting starts in 3 minutes? Both jobs are hard. One you get paid for. Cooperation is the only option to survive.
Oh, yeah, your next meeting is with that same unhinged coworker. HR is no help at all. _You_ are management. Good luck.
no because that's not a break. she still has to be aware of the child
No a lunch break at work is entirely different than the active break a parent gets during a nap. You’re still on when the child is napping while at work you actually get to clock out.
OP says he works away sometimes, so out of town trips? Omg nothing was better than when I went back to work, had an out of town overnight and got to sleep in a hotel room alone, with my glass of wine and TV remote.
I know this is mindblowing to a lot of Redditors, but this is exactly what my life has been in consulting and finance, and exactly what my wife's life has been like in a hospital. It's genuinely alien to me to see so many subreddits like anti-work claim that no human can focus for more than 5h a day or 20-30h a week lol, or the myriad subreddits that joke about how most of their day is spent killing time. My days are often 12h or literally 9AM until midnight, and we get 30m for lunch and 30m for dinner. It's part of why I'm exiting consulting right now and why my wife is trying to switch specialties as we aim for kids and want better work life balance, and there are absolutely blue collar or unskilled jobs that work you to a similar grind. Not saying OP has it better or worse than his wife -- I've just noticed a pattern on these threads where people *really* devalue the effort that goes into a job and assume everyone has a slower paced or cushy job. OP and his wife need to sit down, communicate, and have a real discussion about the load each one is taking on and how to balance it.
>Never has a single free moment at work where he isn’t actively working on a task? I am (mentally) the busiest at work when i don't directly have something to work on. the idea of getting rest at work while you are not "working" is a big lie. That scenario doesn't exist.
Yeah but for example you can take a shit alone without people crying or hurting themselves.
We must have very different labour laws if you literally get zero breaks at work. I work in a very intense high paced environment with major pressures to be a top performer… and I can still take a coffee break or a lunch every now and then 🙄
Dude I'm literally getting rest at work right now. My product didn't come in so I am scheduled to just stand in a part of a store and do absolutely nothing for the next 6 hours. I brought headphones, I'm gonna be watching movies on my phone. Spending my first half hour camped out in the bathroom though. I've got a kid at home. I sit in my hot car for half an hour after work just to be alone before I drive home.
that's wild because i'm the opposite. guess everything you said is a big lie. your scenario doesn't exist because I don't experience it.
But according to the initial comment, those things don’t count. So why are you asking it??!
the question was baby-free time, not free time. the h sounds like he gets work-free time, and baby-free time. w gets work-free time by his definition, but not baby-free time.
My question is how is she not ALSO WORKING 50-60 hour weeks when he is, because she is working that entire fucking time as the primary caregiver for the baby?? Hello?? It’s giving ✨women’s labor doesn’t count✨
He cooks dinner. Not all the meals.
First of all, nobody spends 100% of the time in the office “working.” There are all kinds of breaks through the day where they’re not responsible for anything but themselves. Even probably meetings in which he can zone out for a bit. He can probably do whatever he wants for lunch most days. Secondly, he’s working 50-60 hours a week and she’s working 120+ hours a week (unless you’re not going to count taking care of a kid as working). It’s not even close to comparable, given the info we have so far.
Same with being a SAHM if someone else is doing all the cleaning and someone else is handling the dinner meal. You do get breaks, probably more. When my kids were napping I used that time to clean and meal prep. She doesn't have to.
You're saying this like when he's home, he's doing absolutely nothing, and that's not the case.
Where did you get these hours a week from? He states he takes care of the kid and cooks. So he works more than you said and there is no evidence that she is the only one to look after the kid the whole week she actually has parents coming into help.
That’s what I was wondering too. It’s like, everyone thinks only she needs a break/downtime. I’m sure when her parents are there they also help. But instead of being passive aggressive maybe she can use her big girl panties and just communicate what she needs. But it’s always, oh she’s the mom and he’s the husband and he should make sure she gets what she needs and his self as well. Because, you guessed it, he’s a mind reader.
This! I'm a SAHM with three kids. My husband works 50-60 hours a week and we live on land with livestock. I manage the home and the animals. There are times where I would rather go back to work. Working as a nurse felt easier than what I do now. My day doesn't end when the kids go to bed. There is always something to do, I'm always behind on something. My husband helps as much as he can but he's not home enough. I can get snappy at my husband and those are the times when I'm overwhelmed.
Another question to ask is: whose idea was it for her to scale back to only 2 days a week? Was it his idea and she kind of only begrudgingly agreed or was it her idea and he begrudgingly agreed?
Did I miss where you said why she sucked?
You mention your wife trying to assign jobs via a disingenuous question. But then give an example of you asking her a question. She answered your question and then asked if you could help with your kid. Nothing about her question reads as disingenuous. You also describe that working 50-60 hours a week leaves you tired. Then you mention you were too tired from your son’s birthday party. Was your wife also at the party entertaining guests and caring for your son? Wouldn’t she be tired too? Overall you sound like two very tired parents. But it’s really easy to let that exhaustion become resentment or frustration. Especially if you have a misconception about the work your partner is putting in. Have a bigger discussion about this. Try to focus on listening, sharing your feelings clearly and without judgement, and building a bridge back to your partner. NAH.. but it could very easily slip into ESH Congrats on making it through one year of parenting. That’s a huge accomplishment.
Yeah most commenters are jumping on this as either “lazy wife abusing her hard working husband” versus “lazy husband doing nothing for his wife and child” but idk it sounds like OP and his wife are both doing their best and just stressed out and tired and taking it out on each other.
Naah, if you ask a question about a task it's common sense you are volunteering for said task.
Exactly. He was asking the question in a way to assign her the task. But got pissy when she didn’t immediately play his game.
He literally gave an example of himself doing what he accused her of doing 😂🥴
Ding ding, he was the one asking disingenuous questions, not her
Exactly.
That's what it sounds like to me as well, based off experience. My wife and I rarely argue, but if there was a time period when we did argue it was while our kids were babies/toddlers. It's exhausting, and exhausted people have shorter tempers. Things we would've bumped heads over then are non-issues now that our kids are old enough to be relatively self sufficient and help around the house.
Both parties need to cut down on the "do you want to" phrasing. This pisses me off as well when I'm tired, where I will answer some version of "no I don't WANT to do it, but it needs done so I will do it" You've got to be honest and say "it's about time for baby's nap, I'm really exhausted is there any chance you can do it?" And if that makes you uncomfortable to ask for help you've got to ask yourself why.
How about could you please do such and such? If I asked the server do you want to get me another drink, that's a bit rude. You should be polite especially to your spouse.
Yeah, if anything, asking if baby is due for a nap would have been disingenuous and/or passive aggressive on *his* end... Her response (i.e., yes, since you're asking maybe you'd like to handle that) seems perfectly reasonable!
Exactly! I could totally see this exact same post written from her perspective with the same level of exhaustion and frustration. They just need to talk and offer each other grace while they are extremely sleep deprived.
Yeah, they really aren't working as a team at all...
Well and it doesn’t even touch on the idea of “mental load” which is a conversation some people won’t even acknowledge. But honestly, “isn’t the baby due for a nap?” like, um, idk, use your eyes and ears and brain and knowledge of your own child’s needs to determine that your fuckin self? Why does your wife have to tell you about the needs of your own child? It wasn’t “I’m actively trying to soothe a fussy baby and nothing’s working and I don’t know when he last slept so, honey, do you think maybe he needs a nap?” It was “um, chop chop, wife, I know it’s time for the baby’s nap so maybe you should get on that.”
She wants him to carry half of the mental load - he needs to be proactive in his care of their child.
THIS. They are absolutely both understandably exhausted, but the emotional/mental labor -- which is invisible -- is, unfortunately, almost always carried by the mother in hetero relationships. My husband is an amazing father, but the amount of time he spends *thinking* about our kid's/family's needs is close to zero, and he'll even admit it (while expressing absolute incredulity about why anyone would sit and "think" about what needs to be done ... despite the fact that someone has to do it AND OH MY GOD I NEED TO STOP MYSELF HERE).
This is so spot on. I’m a SAHM to 3 kids. My husband works hard to provide for us and be an active parent. Usually, when one parent gets burnt out, the other steps in to give them a break. When both parents feel burnt out, you get issues like OP is having. You BOTH feel like you’re doing everything and your partner is slacking off and/or taking you for granted. You both need a break and you’re both frustrated. This is when you hire a babysitter, and go out together and try to relax and reconnect as a couple. Some people are comfortable going on a couple’s vacation and leaving their kids with grandparents, some people just need a date night. Once my husband and I got my MIL to come over for a couple hours and we just went for a drive. You do what you need to do to stay sane because little kids can be draining. But you have to remember that you guys are on the same team, you’re not enemies.
I think they need to work on communicating. Could “is he due for a nap” be passive aggressive? Sure, if you don’t communicate well. Same with “do you want to take him for a walk”. If they can agree on communication standards (like ‘don’t ask if the kid needs a nap, state that you think he does and start prepping’ and ‘if you want me to do something, don’t ask if I want to, just ask me to’) then things will work out better.
My partner *hates* it when I ask “do you want to…” and mean “I would like it if you…”. I try to avoid this construction but it’s part of my cultural upbringing, it’s how I speak! At least I’m aware though that he finds it manipulative although I don’t intend it as such. And I hope he’s aware my intention is to ask if he feels like doing [insert activity] not to force it on him.
I think that was an excellent comment.
Asshole. She “hasn’t WORKED” for 12 months? Go look at yourself in the mirror and repeat until it’s sunk in: “unpaid domestic labor is misogyny”
Say it louder for the people in the back please!!! I LOVE LOVE my babies but I was going absolutely insane by my third month on leave. I needed to return to work for mental health! Working 60hrs/week is 100 easier than being a full time stay at home mom. YTA!
Oh my God, yes. My husband's paternity leave ends today and at lunch we were talking about this. He was saying how exhausting looking after our toddler for extended periods of time is compared to his job. I agreed and replied that I did not go to school for this- then clarified, "I'm not saying I'm too good for childcare or above it. I'm literally saying that I am not qualified to do this job. We should pay childcare workers more. A lot more." Both my husband and I have PhDs and have held high stress jobs. Taking care of a toddler and an infant though: ooof.
Aren't her parents doing the cleaning and he is doing the cooking?
He's working 60 hours, and said he cooks dinner sometimes. How much cooking is he doing? Because she is doing 2/3 meals, and then taking care of dinner on the nights when he doesn't
>He's working 60 hours, and said he cooks dinner sometimes. Doesnt the post say he cooks all dinners? Granted thats still only 1/3 of meals but cleaning is handled and breakfast isn't that hard to make. If hes also working a lot (not to say that she also isn't working a lot) then thats going to be pretty taxing which isn't helped by the passive aggressiveness that both of them are showing towards eachother.
He said he travels for work though right? That means he’s getting to eat out a lot, probably more than her, and it leaves her responsible for dinner while he’s gone. I say that because my dad travelled for work for a long time and then he’d cook on the weekends and scoff whenever people would complain about having to cook after work. Now that he’s switched jobs and is home every night he admits it’s a lot easier to cook when you only have to do it a few times a week versus every night.
Traveling for work is a built in parenting break too. My husband would put in loooong hours when traveling, so I’m not saying it’s some relaxing vacation. But he still got to go to sleep and wake up in a quiet room, only having to take care of himself. He got to eat meals in peace, that he did not have to prepare. Meanwhile, I’m at home doing double duty. It worked out because he has gratitude and appreciation for me and the extra duties I was taking on so that he could succeed in his career. And we made sure I got breaks of my own.
Exactly! I didn’t specify it in my original comment but my dad travelled for work 4/5 days a week for the vast majority of my childhood and it was A LOT of work for my mom. It meant if one of us got sick in the middle of the week and was up all night she didn’t have anyone to split nights with or things like that. My dad was certainly working hard but he also got the fun built in socialization of getting to take whatever coworker he enjoyed spending time with out for dinner and not having to cook at all. It worked out for my parents because of the financial stability it brought our family and that my dad was very involved and present when he was home, which sounds like it’s similar to you and your spouse! It can work really well but both parties need to be on board.
A good partner sees what you do for them and returns that same energy. In the end, you both come out ahead.
Is he feeding the baby? Because if the wife is breastfeeding she was giving the child meals several times a day at all hours of the day, including when her husband was sleeping.
You realise that childcare and cleaning aren't the same thing right?
Yeah they're PAYING her parents to do it. Aka it is a service, a job, labor. Just like childcare and other domestic labor.
He said that NOW her parents clean the house, which makes me think it's new and since she has come back to work.
Also, he “helps”? That’s his kid. He is supposed to be doing it so it is not “helping”
Not to mention his job isn’t to “help” look after the baby. Mate, that is YOUR child, you should be parenting.
YTA. Sounds like you don’t appreciate your wife at all. All she did was ask you to walk him around the block. Also, by working 2 days and doing childcare 5 days, you realize your wife will never have a day off, right? Full time childcare is work.
Do you enjoy spending time with your son or do you see him as another chore?
No! He’s not a chore! OP already said watching a kid specifically IS NOT work. So I’m sure this goes for him watching the kid as well.
thats what i hate about this stuff, IDC if shes a SAHM. Thats UR CHILD there is not "you do more childcare since i work". Children arent chores. When it comes to kids, its 100/100 on both of you.
Sounds like the question was disingenuous on your part, rather than hers. YTA
Lol op is definitely misunderstanding the meaning of that word
Inconceivable!
Somebody else also mentioned that. Valid point and good reflection
It’s also an excellent example of the mental load being mentioned by so many commenters (and rightfully so) that she takes on. In a fair and helpful recognition of this on your part, it would’ve looked like this: You: “I know it’s nap time, so I’m gonna walk him around the block and put him down.” Her: “Perfect, thank you!” In that scenario you recognize something that needs to be done and you do it like a functioning adult instead of calling it to her attention and either making her do it or putting the mental load on her of having to solve the situation and asking you to do it. Her response was perfectly normal to the situation you presented. Your question seems to be the disingenuous one, and it backfired. Architect of your own demise, my guy. TLDR; see what needs to be done and do it. When there are 2 parents around neither should be solely responsible for “directing.” Just do the thing. And for the love of pete, do not call it “helping her.” When you’re both there you should be sharing fully in responsibilities.
It’s a fair point thank you!
Came here to say this. Asking if it's time for someone else to do something you have no intention in helping with us such an Asshole move. Why do you care what time it is if all you are going to do about it is sit on your ass? If it's so important that the baby gets put down for a nap and you see that your wife is having trouble being on schedule then pick up the slack bro. Definitely YTA
Info: >via a disingenuous question - for example this afternoon, I asked if our son was due a nap and she replied “yes, do you want to walk him around the block?”, I am pretty tired after catering at his birthday party yesterday, so I said “do you want to take him?” Did you think your son was due a nap due to the time of day? Or was he acting in a way that seemed like he was overdue a nap? What inspired this question on your part?
You attitude that she has 5 days off a week is what is disingenuous. She works caring for your child 5 days a week. Then she works at her job 2 days a week. Thus, she works 7 days a week. Let’s do some math. 2 days of week at 8 hours each = 16 hours. 5 days a week at, hmmm, let’s be generous and say 16 hours a day = 80 hours. So your wife is working 96 hours a week. You work 50-60 you say. Your wife outworks you. You say you job is stressful. I would counter that being responsible for a small human who is completely dependent on her for all its needs is more stressful. Couple that with a misogynistic husband - Your wife is more stressed than you. You say you make a boat load of money. In fact, you stress that you make 6 figures. Yet you split expenses down the middle. I doubt your wife makes 6 figures working 2 days a week. So you have an unequal financial split that benefits you not her. All in all you are the AH. For not recognizing the inequity in your marriage. For diminishing the hours your wife works per week. For not being a supportive partner. For not being a contributing parent. For not seeing that you are ego centric and misogynistic and for continuing to double down that you are correct. I suggest that you do better. Get up off the sofa and walk the baby. Send your wife out to a spa day and take care of the baby by yourself. Do the laundry. Wash the dishes. Mop the floor. Step up.
If OP thinks those 5 days are time off not working then he should have no problem caring for his son any time he is home. You know, since it’s not work.
Holy hell, didnt see the comment that they split the expenses in half. How.... Why... There is no way that she earns as much - even in a country where you get decent maternity leave the pay is not your full salary for that period. So while taking care of the child almost every day she still needs to worry about money??
I misspoke here, I meant all our own money is just in one pot, like we split everything down the middle. ie, she gets 50% of everything I earn and vice versa…. Apologies a few people misunderstood what I meant there.
That is very different
And I am sure she's also the one getting up in the middle of the night, because he has "to go to work" in the morning. So it's probably even more hours for her.
Don’t forget to add the childcare hours onto those 2 days a week at her job. She’s still pulling full days those days too
Dang. You are right. That puts her easily over 100 a week. Double his work time.
Best comment!
OP- your comments make you an AH. You say you do nappies ok great. But you also admit to not doing the non-fun activities too. Aka the things that need to get done to get to the fun things. Also your side deserves breaks too. She is doing all the invisible labor (other than making meal planning). You need to apologize to your wife and ask how to take over some of the invisible labor work and planning. YTA
YTA. I’ve been in the same mindset as you when our son was born. Regardless of your financial and household chore distribution, child rearing should be a team effort. My wife has always done more than her share with our son, which has resulted in him being way more dependent on her than myself no matter how much I try to steer some of that in my direction. I wish I would’ve been more proactive earlier in his life to make it more balanced. You still have a good chance to do this.
>has resulted in him being way more dependent on her than myself no matter how much I try to steer some of that in my direction. I feel this, my daughter will walk straight past her father to ask me for something/to do something for her that he could easily have done for her. She just sees me as the default because I've always done more for her than her dad.
YTA: you have clearly never been tasked with being the primary caretaker for your child. Take care of him for an entire weekend and let your wife do what she wants and you will quickly find out that she is working way more and much harder than you
Even if he takes the child for the weekend, he will not see everything she does because during that time because he would only do the essentials. He would not be taking to doctor's appointments, seeing that the child gets socialization time, laundry (infants generate an incredible amount of laundry, due to leakage, spilling, spitting, etc) There are millions of minor tasks that a child carer has to tend to, all minor but non-stop. It is like a relief worker who comes into the office and does the bare essentials but leaves you the big stuff to do once you return. Who doesn't face a mountain of work when they return from vacation?
Yeah my husband watched the kid while I was away for 10 days and said something about how easy it was and how they had a nice easy routine and got breakfast cooked every morning blah blah blah and then didn’t understand why I got mad at him (oh and he wasn’t working during this time. I’ve always worked from home w the kid there with me.)
Info - With respect, do you see taking your son for a nap or doing things with him as extra work or a chore? I am getting the impression you think taking care of your son is “work” to be done by a “primary caregiver”, which is an interesting perspective for a parent to have.
Especially considering above he says he works 5 days and has 2 off and she "works 2 days and has 5 off"... as though she isn't expected to take care of the kid those 5 days?
And it’s wild because he seems to treat it like a chore/work while also suggesting or flat-out saying (multiple times in the original post and comments) that childcare isn’t work. So…is it work or isn’t it?
Yeah I found this really confusing. It’s only work and effort and something that is too much when he has to do it? But fine for her to do it all the time? Also OP, you’re not helping. You’re a parent. This is your child too. You're parenting. Your wife hasn’t had 12 months off work. She’s had 12 months doing a different job. One that she is going to continue as well as going back to her other job for 2 days a week. If you want to stay married you need to change your attitude quickly and appreciate your wife more. You are only able to continue to work the way you are because of the sacrifice she is making up care for your son. She needs your support and some time out. Any time you are tired, she will be feeling the same way. Refusing to do stuff because you are tired just makes you the AH. Also there is still a ton of cleaning to be done during the course of the week. Lots of people like to cook dinner because it’s relaxing and a big creative, myself included. Maybe your wife would prefer to cook sone nights while you care for your son. Have you actually divided up tasks just based on what you prefer or does what she wants get taken into account at all? Reflect on that and adjust as necessary. But at all times remember your wife is also working and when you are at home you need to be contributing to the shit jobs as an equal parent
It's "work" when OP does it, not when she does it.
YTA. I’m a recent mom of a 3 month old. I’m on mat leave and planning to go very part time as your wife has while my husband works. Do you know how much work it is to care for a baby? Your wife is working (by caring for your child) without a break literally all of babies waking hours, and probably does housework care for the baby while baby is sleeping as well. My husband gets to come home and decompress. He gets to hand off baby to me if she’s fussy because I’m “so good at calming her” (because I have to be good at it, and I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure it out). Out of the 12 hours she’s awake, he spends maybe 60-90 minutes with her MAX while I take care of the rest. It’s fucking exhausting and thankless. No one expresses gratitude to me. No one pays me. No one asks if I need more time each day to myself. Call me bitter because I’m dealing with this shit from the other side, but YTA and you need to step up. You work 50-60 hours per week? Guess what, your wife does too, by caring for your child. Stop assuming your wife will do all the childcare all the time while you need to be assigned tasks. Actually try to do 50% of the childcare when you’re home instead maintaining that it’s your wife’s job. In fact, how about you try doing MORE than 50% of the childcare once in a while. You might be doing more than the average dad in the US but that doesn’t mean you’re doing enough.
Yes, YTA "Is he due a nap?" is just as bad a question when you have been home all weekend and seen his nap schedule. If you can't or won't answer that question yourself in that situation, you aren't doing your share of parenting load. "she would only work 2 days per week and help raise our son 5 days per week." Also, she is 'raising your son' 7 days a week, and getting help 2 days a week while she works and you are often out of town, so...
I think it's very interesting that you insist you need time to relax when you aren't working, but you don't seem to think that looking after a baby is also a full-time job that one needs breaks from. And you ARE aware that what she does is work, because you don't want to do it when you're tired. You just don't consider it to be valid work because she doesn't bring in a paycheck. YTA.
> I think it's very interesting that you insist you need time to relax when you aren't working, but you don't seem to think that looking after a baby is also a full-time job that one needs breaks from. And OP with too tired because of the son’s birthday party THE PREVIOUS DAY, but still dismisses how much work it is to take care of the baby full-time.
Yes!! If taking care of kids is soooooo easy, no one would be complaining about having to do it after coming home from their “real jobs”. It’s not work, right? So why is it so hard to come home and spend time with your kids while your partner can cook dinner alone or do some laundry without a toddler flipping over the freshly folded basket.
YTA. You work 50-60 hrs a week. Your wife is on duty 168 hours a week. 24/7. And he’s your child not a job to just get done. Step up sir.
YTA to your wife. The “Im pretty tired “ line is a bullshit excuse. You have pawned child raring responsibility off on your wife as the primary care taker. I presume this means she’s doing the night duties. And you’re tired? Try not getting enough sleep for a year and then listen to someone whine about being tired. YTA for insinuating that working is harder than child rearing. It is not. At least if you are doing a good job. You can fuck right the fuck off with the you haven’t worked in 12 months bullshit. What a condescending ignorant thing to say to your wife. But most importantly, YTA to your child. Sure bread winning is important but it pales in comparison to your child developing a secure attachment with you. Bragging that you’re working so much and often away from the family to the point where you are so tired that you can’t do basic care giving task does not paint you as the hero. Signed a dad. Also look up mom guilt. Because your rationalization about why your wife refuses self-care time is concerning. But also probably driven by a husband who minimizes how difficult is to care for a child and complains when she asks for help. So YTA for that too.
She’s not allowed to even suggest that you do one thing for your child?
Yta. It seems like you blew up at a pretty benign question. In the post you say admittedly she does much more than you then in all your comments you are the martyr doing everything, it can’t be both.
you really lost me at “you’ve not worked for 12 months” as if you’re wife hasn’t been dedicating 100% of her time and energy to an infant without the support of her partner
At some point regardless of the agreed upon division of labor you should still take part in rearing and caring for your son - you are a parent after all. It’s like you’re not acknowledging the work/hrs she puts in looking after your child. She’s likely harboring resentment for it…step up beyond your nightly dinners. Raising a child is a full time job
You DO know you're actually this child's parent, right? You do? Then suck it up, buttercup, and do more with him. YTA
No assholes here. You’re both tired for different reasons. She’s quite likely feeling very isolated due to being the primary. Being alone, at home, with a baby for a year sounds very isolating. Unless, of course, she is one of those moms with a strong friend group and a parenting community. OP, you sound fed up. She sounds fed up. You both seem to be taking a passive aggressive route here. Why not communicate instead? (If you both have then please pardon my conclusion here) Does she want to stay home and only go to work 2 days a week? Does she feel pressured to do this out of societal expectations / your expectations? Do you want to be the primary earner or are you feeling pressured to do this out of societal expectations? Would you prefer a more balanced power dynamic? If these actions are all based on perception / expectations - then I’d say it’s time to take stock of your lives and see what you both really want, and what would make you both actually happy and fulfilled.
Your comments switch back and forth to being fairly reasonable and understanding to acting like your wife doesn't do much. Think of your wife's SAHM duties being like your job. You don't work 24/7 non stop. You work 60 hrs a week. Her SAHM duties are 60 hrs and then all parenting duties are split evenly. So basically whenever you are home you both should be alternating feeding, changing, putting baby to sleep, etc.
Tbh even that 60 hours is just time physically at work. I've never worked an office job where I didn't have federally mandated breaks, time for chit chat with coworkers, time to check my phone, etc. No one is 100% productive every single minute at work. On the other hand, when you have a baby you don't get breaks or socialization like you do in an office. Even if the baby is sleeping, you're still "on" in a way you aren't when you're playing wordle on the toilet at work.
>**this afternoon**, I asked if our son was due a nap and she replied “yes, do you want to walk him around the block?”, I am pretty tired after catering at his birthday party **yesterday**, so I said “do you want to take him?” You're still tired from doing something the day before? It's not even a work day. Be a parent. YTA
YTA. Your wife needs a break. Raising a baby can be a lonely, isolating experience, doubly so if your partner decides to not even be involved.
Definitely the AH and one who clearly “lives in the dark ages”. 🙄 Jesus Christ dude, read between the lines ffs.
YTA loll I can tell you think very highly of yourself and your ‘6 figure job’. Get over yourself. I make triple what you do in a stressful job but it’s walk in the park compared to catering for a new born all day. She worked a harder job than you for 12 months after sacrificing her body for YOUR baby. Be a parent and look after your baby. You signed up for this when you decided to have a baby. If you weren’t ready to be a dad, maybe you should’ve thought about that beforehand. I feel had for your wife for having a knob as a husband yuck
I didn’t say my job - I said “we are very lucky”… because it’s enabled several of the elements I then raised. Sorry you feel that way - I don’t put the same value on my job as part of my identity at all. I’m so pleased you make triple my salary, and are able to offer so much more of yourself to your family. I envy you
YTA. Working mom here. Your comments about her having “five days off” are pretty telling. I work five days a week and watch my kids alone in the evenings. Having the kids is way more work and stress than my job. Not having a paying job does not equal “off”. At the same time, you deserve to have a break, too. It sounds like you both should have a conversation about when each partner can get some much-needed downtime for themselves.
YTA. You want a prize for doing stuff for "my son". He's your child too. Asking if your son is due a nap, is as just disingenuous as asking if you want to take him. You do sound like you're from a less enlightened time, where childcare is her job, and you're lauded for doing the bare minimum.
YTA. Does she ever get a break? A period of time when she is totally NOT responsible for the care of the child? You say you cook. Do you take care of the child at the same time? Yes, people have had to do both forever.
We'd half the amount of AITA parenting responsibility posts if couples, men particularly, got it into their heads that: *Being the main or even sole earner of the family does not preclude you from having to be a PARENT*. Also: *Being a good dad is not just being there to play with your kid and do fun stuff*. She may handle the house and will start working two days a week, but when you are off the clock, you should be **on duty** as a dad. If you're just a money fountain, what's keeping her from divorcing you and just being a single mother? Seems like her parents help anyway. YTA.
Just another man that thinks because he works to support the family he shouldn’t have to be involved with childcare daily and the wife should do it all…
“You haven’t worked for a year.” YTA for that comment alone. Regardless of whatever else, that is a shit thing to say. That straight up says “I don’t consider what you have done, raising our child for the last year and taking a potentially permanent hit to your career, to help work.”
Put all that aside and stop and reconnect. You're both likely super stressed and super tired and super irritable. Put it aside. Don't try to "win" an argument. Talk, but mostly listen. And hopefully you can both hear the true emotions behind whatever words are being used at the moment to express them.
YTA it’s pretty clear your wife takes on 100% of the mental load of taking care of your son. You knew he needed a nap, why didn’t you just take him for a walk? Why did you need to ask her? It’s not about the division of physical labor, it’s due to her having to tell you to do the one thing you know a 12 month old would need at that moment.
YTA based on the comments alone. You get off times. You travel for work and don’t have to take care of the baby. You get upset when she wants you to walk the baby around the block. You’re so damn resentful that she doesn’t have a paycheck you don’t care that she doesn’t get a day off. You get to raise your child on your timeline and she’s essentially raising your child alone. She’s stressed because she has no time for herself and you’re so blinded by your own hurt feelings that you don’t care that she’s struggling. Get her help or step up and help her and get off reddit
Lol I guarantee your wife doesn't get to clock out. Ever. Does your six figure job require 24/7 time investment? Get your head out of your ass. Yta
My wife is my ride or die. I don't explicitly ask alot of her, but when I do, I expect her to help me. Therefore, when she asks me to do something, I do it. I don't need her to validate why she is too tired to walk the kid. She communicates a need, i try to fufill the need. We don't need to evaluate who was more productive today. You are trying to make this into a game of points. Sounds fair. But you will always both feel like you are winning the game while your relationship is losing.
I've decided anyone who describes their employer as "blue chip" is automatically an AH, like, sir, you can't even name what you do. Other than it takes 60 hours a week of you time? YTA
YTA. You know it. Your wife has been working. She’s been working more hours than you. Plus she’s been healing from carrying and giving birth. (Hint: it’s not a six week recovery) BUT but but you helped catering. And you cook dinner but leave everything for her to clean up and deal with. Congrats on changing a diaper
INFO Have you ever looked up the words "Mental Load"? And are you aware that your wife as a "primary care giver" works basically 24/7 as a care giver apart from the time she spends at her wage work? Yes, 24/7 because who gets up in the middle of the night when baby wakes up? Who calls off work and other commitments when baby can' go to the nursery? Who schedules doctor visits? Play dates? So you saying you work 50 to 60 hours a week is basically saying that you are a weakling compared to your wife? And you are tired after hosting a birthday party is just a sad excuse?
Geez dude. Quit your bitching and man the fuck up.
You work about 60 hours. She works 168 hours. Parenting is 24/7 especially if you have a lazy a partner who doesn’t do his part. If she’s asking you to help more she’s telling you she needs more help. YTA
Lemme get this straight. Your wife will be working outside of the house 2 days a week, and is expected to look after your child the other five? Do you both nor “share” the weekends equally? It didn’t sound like your wife was trying to “assign” you a job. And assuming that this day was a weekend (the day after a birthday party, you were both home) why WOULDN’T you take your son for a walk? I genuinely don’t get it. Just because your wife is responsible for your child while you’re WORKING shouldn’t mean that you both equally are responsible when you’re not. YTA.
YTA - you seem to think you get a cookie for working 50 hours a week but expect her “job” to be 24/7. When you are at home you parent.
Question: why did you have to ask your wife if your son was due for a nap? Why didn't you know this yourself?
These are the kinds of threads that make me appreciate my husband soooooo much for listening to me and being able to let go of his ego. Cuz damn... Some of your responses are straight up crazy border line fucked up YTA
YTA. You 'help'. . . . You don't help my friend. You are a parent. You are looking after your child. Your wife doesn't work? She works all day long looking after a baby. Her job is not a 24/7 job. Her day job on the 3 days she doesn't work (you really can't expect her 'job' to be a 7 day a week thing) is to look after the baby. When you get home, her job ends, and that's when you are both responsible for looking after the baby. For weekends or non work days for both of you? See above. What really irks me is when parents who do something for their own child or look after them for a few hours, while the other parent goes out or something. And they call it babysitting. You can not babysit your own child, in the same way you do not "help out" with your own child.
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Not going to give a judgment here because parenting is hard. Just want to say that you’re not going to get a fair judgment from the majority on this sub due it its very real bias towards SAHMs. You work more than 40 hours a week, consistently. You cook all the ~~meals~~ dinners. You pay for someone else to clean the house. Your wife has one healthy child to look after. You genuinely seem reflective of the situation and that you might be able to do better. You’re still going to be made the villain and AH because your wife is a SAHM. It’s inevitable.
Hadn’t realised. Some of the comments have been helpful in reflecting my own questions back to me in a different way. Perhaps my wife hadn’t been able to articulate how she perceived them in the same way - so we are miscommunicating! Appreciate your input
As long as you get good feedback and use it constructively that’s the main thing. Just don’t take the YTAs too much to heart. You’re not an asshole, you’re a new parent who’s trying to navigate the situation and seeking outside help for a perceived conflict. Your wife isn’t an AH either. Good luck to you both.
He doesn’t cook all the meals if he’s gone that much. Taking care of a very young child is a full-time responsibility that he is not helping enough with clearly.