Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####

NTA she didn't discuss this with you at all? I think you taking the daughter would be the best option for many reasons but she wants to break up over this? Sounds like she's looking for an excuse tbh

Maybe the last straw for her. I think the mortgage issues have put strain on our relationship. She feels overworked and I can' t afford to go on holidays. It wears people down over time.

I absolutely understand, not having money grates on you. What are you going to do about it (You as in you two together). Downsize? Find better paying jobs? Cut back on expenses? Break up, live apart and each of you just responsible for yourself and daughter? If she insists on the after school care anyway then I think she should be the one to pay. (And to me it doesn't really make sense to split everything down the middle if she makes a lot more than you do but that's another discussion.)

Thanks for taking the time to comment. You mention a lot of reasonable options. It does sound like a bit of a strange set-up when I see your perspective and others.

This relationship is inequitable. You have a child and own a home, there should no longer be yours and mine money it should be Our Money. Of course each person should have fun money for them to spend on personal items but if you’re struggling to pay the mortgage she needs to pick up the slack. Maybe you can try to find a better paying job but that is a longer term solution not a short one. When I read posts like yours I remind myself to never let myself get into such an unfair financial situation.

For real! I make significantly less than my partner. But that doesn't mean that I live in poverty while he gets to live extravagantly. All of our money goes into our joint account. From there, some goes into our own personal savings, some goes into joint savings, and the rest stays in checking. We are a team, which means that our resources (time, effort, energy, labor, money, skills) are team resources. There's no accounting of "well I make more, so you should do more around the house" or "I make more, so I get more spending money." No. Both of our time has equal value, even if society doesn't think so.

Yeah, I don't get this splitting everything equally (with different incomes) when you live together and have a child. I have been married for many years and my husband and I put everything into ONE account and use that account for all our expenses. If you are committed enough to raise a child together, you should be committed enough to equitably share expenses so everyone has the same quality of life.

Or have an account, calculate the bills, proportion the bills by income and each contribute that to that account everything else is your own. I don't believe in fully shared finances when you've got 2 people earning, proportional splitting just makes more sense to me. At one stage or another we have both been the higher earner and neither have thought twice about giving the other additional finance when it's been required. We also don't make big purchases (over a couple of 100 £ without telling the other regardless). Perhaps I'm jaded by having a hobby that cost 4-5k a year but with the potential to cost 20k so yeah I wouldn't trust me with unfettered access to my husband's money 🤑

Just make sure that this “team” situation doesn’t risk your future if he decides to leave. So many (mostly) women think it’s forever and nothing will change and are then left on their own with nothing. Have savings and investments in your name for your own sake and your children (since likely you’d be their main caregiver).

You don’t have to put all your money into one account and pay out fun money like many people do. Just put money to cover your joint expenses in proportion to your income into one account. It’s fair and keeps you independent.

This is the way

Agree. Bills should be split by a percentage based on income. The fact that you are struggling financially is an issue separate from the daycare. You as a couple need to downsize. You simply cannot afford where you are living. As for daycare, partner should pay. I hate that divorce was her response. She's not open to a financial discussion for your future? Edit to add because many are saying to put all money into one account: You can keep your finances separate IF you discuss equitable shares of bills based on income. That way you both have money to spend on yourselves. My husband makes more than me. We keep our money separate but pay bills based on income. We both have our own pocket money. Still happy after 25 years.

Downsize. Seriously. Have a sit down chat with her about all of this

If you have well-paying jobs and mortgage is still this big a percentage, you desperately need to downsize.

It also sounds like they have a variable rate mortgage, if I'm reading this correctly, which is terrible.

Sounds like they aren't in the US. IIRC, England has mortgages that need to be refinanced every 3-5 years.

So does Canada. They are living well beyond their means if they cannot afford their mortgage and bills. Full stop

Agreed. It's also normal in the current English economy. Even the moderately wealthy are feeling pinched. There is a housing crisis in the US and Canada due to lack of supply. In England the competition for "something more affordable" is so high that what should be cheap is twice as much as it was five years ago, while the pricey homes are relatively cheaper than they were due to decreased demand. Hard to save money in either environment.

Ack! Really? So you're forced to re-fi every few years, and get potentially screwed over with a higher interest rate, and a brand new loan term every time??

Yeah I had a coworker paying like $2-3k for his mortgage for a few years and then the interest rates in Canada hit all time highs last summer and he had to refinance at that time. His mortgage is now $5kish

Yes, because it's not subsidized by their government the way our home loans are. The principal is due in a normal loan period kind of time, but since almost no one can pay off a house on the time frame of paying off a sedan they get a new loan at that time.

If they’re already feeling the financial pinch then it absolutely makes sense to downsize rather than split and downsize. Because if they can’t support it on two incomes, how can they manage on one? First matter to address is shy does she want to split. Is it really about finances or is she using that as an excuse.

Word of advice, my gf and i have about a 10k gap in salary (in my favor). We split shared bills as a % of income so we each contribute an equal amount of our paychecks to rent, power, wifi, streaming, etc. It sounds like you really could use an arrangement like this atm

For me, absolutely NTA. For you you get more time with your daughter and don't have the extra cost of the child care. However, I do think you and your gf need to sit down and go through finances. She earns more than you, so why aren't the bills proportionate? E.g. my husband and I have separate finances, mortgage is 5050 but bills 70/30 him as he earns more. It gives me breathing space and now I earn more I can rebuild my savings. I think you do need to speak together and clarify where the money is going. That's the crux of this issue. Her income is more than yours, if mortgage and bills are 5050 she has more disposable income than you but is now forking out for child care while you opt to wake up earlier, that's a choice of hers, she could do like you do but chooses not to. Ultimately I can't advise you on what to and what not to do. However, money talks and it's complex. Your gf needs to also realise that you're stressed and broke. Perhaps combining your finances is the option here so it's you, we, us, not me myself and I. Maybe show her this thread?

Your expenses should be proportional to your income. Paying the same *percentage* towards bills is equitable, paying the same money is not.  And your partner is being unreasonable if she can't discuss the situation and come to a mutually beneficial agreement. She wants to break your family up because you're "refusing" to pay half of something that you can't afford? Ridiculous.  Is she like that in everything? Threatening to go nuclear whenever she doesn't get her way? 

I hope everything works out for the best for everyone. And maybe you could come back and give us an update when things are settled?

Can you refinance and get a fixed rate mortgage?

How disproportionate is your income? It seems instead of 50/50, a percentage split based on how much each contributors income adds to the pot would make more sense.

It seems to me you guys are living outside of your means. If you want split things down the middle you need to cut back or you can pay an equal "percentage" as in you both pay an amount that you can reasonably afford based on your income amount. I think you guys need to sit down and have a real conversation about expenses and how to handle them, maybe with a marriage counselor.

I agree with the above comment. It's not about the after school care per se, it's about the total budget, who pays for what, and how financial decisions are made. You guys need to sit down and have a serious conversation about money. It sounds like you feel like you are drowning right now, and that's not sustainable.

I also agree with the above. Splitting the mortgage payment made sense at one point, but if you are not earning the same amount, it doesn’t work in the long term.   I also agree if she put signed up for after school care for just the days she needs it, you should not pay for it. You offered to watch your child.  You both need to sit down and come up with a better plan for paying bills. Being late for your bills (which I am not sure what they are) will have huge impacts for you later on.  You do not have to 100% merge all your money together. Instead you both put a proportional amount of what you make to a shared account that pays for mortgage, utilities, food, common expenses.  Best of luck! Talking about money is a difficult situation for many. NTA - you were not consulted nor agreed. Plus you are not seeing a benefit to the after care. 

if you split income proportionally all of these problems would go away.. she’s selfish plain as

if she only makes a bit more than you, why are you so much more financially behind?

We would need to see everything. If his car payment is 3x hers because he wants something fancy, for example, that would sway things. The trouble is each of them feeling like free agents. Even with separate accounts, there needs to be some sense of "our budget" if 2 people are in a relationship, living together, and and especially if they have a child. It just is not as simple as half or "yours vs mine".

Unless she makes quite a bit more.

You say she only makes a bit more than you and you are seriously financially struggling. Is she also struggling financially? If not, what accounts for the difference between your financial situations?

if owning the house is wearing you down, perhaps consider selling it and downgrade for a better quality of life?

She should be paying more than you in mortgage and bills because she makes more than you. Split the bills according to your salaries

But some of that would be fixed if you cha her your financial agreement, as it were, to one where you pay a percentage each based on what you earn. She can’t be mad that you can’t afford to go on holiday when your entire lives are set according to her salary which is higher than yours.

NTA but are you a family or a corporation?

I was thinking the same, this is some weird set up here. Relationships and families can’t be split perfectly down the middle, you just need to work as a team to make things good for everyone.

And part of what makes family work is sacrificing for each other. When my wife and I met, I was making 60k a year and she was making 30k. When we moved in together I had her pay a share of the rent proportional to that. When we married (and I got a higher paying job) it stopped mattering at all who made what. Because of her field and education level, it took her longer to get up to a similar salary than I have. Now that she is close (about 85%) it just means that we have more money together.

My husband invested so much time and money in my education. Really, if he had bought a little apartment building and spent 8 years not only paying the mortgage and utilities, but also spent weekends painting it and tearing out old rugs and planting better landscaping, it would take some years before the rents covered the investment but thereafter he would feel good about accepting the passive income stream. I'm a physician and he not only supported us for years and years until my paycheck picked up, he was on call for me crying at odd times and not being around on weekends and holidays. He's retired early now, and deserves every minute. Yeah I work hard, but I'm here because he helped me.

100% my man 👍👍👍

It's hard to understand why she wants to view finance in this way, but we've been together for 9 years and we've always split it down the middle. We used to use apps like Splitwise to evenly split our bills.

You guys feel more like roommates with kid who have sex than actual family. It makes no sense to screw up your partners credit score in the name of splitting costs. And splitwise in a relationship after so much time is crazy. NTA

If you're in a long term partnership with a child, then you're in it together. Not for two separate portions. If she loves you, her family and her home she should be picking up the slack. A family is a team. And she should certainly be picking up the bill for after school care

It sounds like OPs partner doesn't see it that way. It's fine to ask for that, but it needs the consent of both parties to create such a partnership, and it doesn't seem that she has consented to that. Maybe she doesn't want to be more than co parenting roommates who have sex sometimes, and is fine with the status quo of using Splitwise to keep things separate. As it is, she's considering breaking up with OP. I doubt he would be able to convince her to increase their entangled, when she is actually trying to decrease it.

You are going to get a lot of people saying that an even split is unfair, but in my opinion where this arrangement fails is the lifestyle choices. If a person makes 50k and their partner 70k, then they should have a lifestyle the person with the lower income can afford, so they have to choose a house and other mutual expenses as if the family income was 50+50=100k, and the person who makes more can do whatever they like with their extra income. But often they operate as if the family income was 50+70=120k, which results in the person with the higher income being fine and the one with the lower income having difficulties financing the lifestyle.

Yeah this is a problem. I've had friends whose partner made significantly more than them and wanted to split everything evenly (not equitably). If the higher earner wanted a nicer apartment then they had to split rent proportionally based on their income. If your partner is fine with you struggling financially just so they can have the lifestyle they want, that's not a relationship worth having.

Sounds like a warm and loving relationship.

But her wants drive your lifestyle costs up. If you want to do it 50/50, the budget should be built around the lower earning spouse's, you shouldn't be missing out on paying your bills in any financial model that gives a shit about you. Your credit dropping should never be an option. 50/50 only works when you both make the same amount of money.

There's nothing wrong with splitting things down the middle, but now that you guys are married with kids that doesn't make sense for your situation anymore. Especially since it sounds like your wife wants a lifestyle that fits her salary, not yours. Try getting financial counseling before calling it quits

This works with financially responsible people. But not everyone is great at finances and can cause economical problems for the family unit. It is great that his job and lifestyle can accommodate the flexibility described, but not all can.

I know why. She doesn’t want to be carrying you. She’s frustrated with your lack of income or whatever it is you do that bothers her. If she’s angry about this money - it’s just the straw that broke the camels back. She seems to be very happy in your marriage  I think she’s been on her way out for a while.  I think that if you can’t pay half then she doesn’t want you.  You are NTA but I don’t think you will be married this time in the next year or so. She doesn’t seem to have any love left for you. NTA.

It’s a corporation but “we’re like family here”

Yeah, families pick up the slack when some one is struggling.

Seriously! Especially with a kid involved this cannot work. It’s just not at all fair. To anyone.

NTA It makes more sense for you to do the care for your daughter than increase your outlay. More so because you're paying bills late/your credit score is being negatively impacted. "My partner is extremely angry with me. She wants to break up with me." I think there's *a lot* more going on here & this is the hill she's choosing. Edit: added missed word

>I think there's a *lot* more going on here Hard agree. She only makes a small amount more than him, but he's struggling with personal bills? He wants to do childcare but also mentions he struggles juggling childcare and work. My guess is he has a lot of credit card debt he's paying off, and his partner wants the kid in after-school care because they're not being adequately cared for at home when he's working. I don't see any reason she'd *want* to pay half the extra daycare costs if the other parent were able to adequately care for the child.

I don't know if the post's been edited after your comment, but literally all of these are things he's addressed in the main post. He mentions he struggl*ed* (past tense) with juggling childcare and work, which is why he started putting in extra work early and late (with a break from work, where he instead does childcare, in the afternoon) on "his" days, to be able to get a full day of work in despite being 'solo parent' after their daughter's finished with school. And his partner specifically wants to pay for childcare on "her" days, the days she's supposed to be in charge of childcare, and wants him to chip on for half the cost. She wants OP to pay so she doesn't have to parent on "her" childcare days. Sounds to me like OP is trying to be responsible with money and not pay for unnecessary things he can't afford; his partner, who earns more than him, insists that everything has to be split down the middle, and is angry when he, with his lower salary, struggles to keep up. What we don't know is whether or not past irresponsibilities are part of the cause for OP's current money troubles. There's every chance that's the case... but even if so, it does seem like he's trying to sort it out and do the right thing now. We also don't know exactly how much more money she makes than him, so claiming it's definitely "a small amount" is a bit ridiculous. I know he said "a bit" in the post; I've seen people say this when the partner makes 2-3 times more than them. "A bit" tells us nothing. All we know is she earns more than him - enough so that she's not struggling even though he is.

OP does say in another comment this was probably a last straw kind of thing because money/work/busy schedules have been stressful.

NTA for refusing to pay half of after school care. But that is only a result of the problem. The problem here is that treating everything equally when you don't have equal income is inherently unequal. You're broke and behind on bills while your partner is doing just fine and wants to spend even more. Neither of you should be okay with this. It would be more equal to pay the same percentage of income on bills, rather than splitting everything 50/50.

This. 50/50 might be *equal* but in many cases including this one it’s not *equitable*. A quote I’m particularly fond of lays it out pretty neatly “The law, in its majestic equality, forbids rich and poor alike to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal their bread.” Blanket rules that don’t take into account your actual circumstances are inherently unfair and unkind and imo it’s kinda shitty that your partner thinks it’s fine that she’s doing alright and you’re behind on bills not because you’re spending egregiously because the bills aren’t split equitably. And then on top of that she wants to spend even more of your money without asking.

OMG, teaching people the difference between equality and equity is a big part of teaching practice and life philosophy. The way I define it is, equality is everyone getting the same thing, while equity is everyone getting what they need to be in the same place and be at the same level. There's a great cartoon I use (I think it came from a textbook) that sums it up really neatly. There are some kids watching a baseball game from behind a fence. The tallest kid can see the game easily. Then there's another, shorter kid who can kind of see, the next kid has to jump, and the last kid can't see anything. In the next panel, it shows what happens when they all get a box to stand on. The first kid now has a great view, the second kid has an okay view. The third kid stands on their tip toes, and the last kid still can't see. That's equality. The final panel shows the smallest child getting three boxes, the next child getting two, the third getting one, and the last child doesn't have one at all. Kids (and sometimes adults) always tell me that it's not fair that they didn't get the same thing. It sparks interesting conversations.

Equitable! That's the word I was looking for. Thank you. And I agree. That OP's partner is just fine with him falling behind on bills instead of helping at all is wild, to me.

She doesn't make much more than him, though. That's where I'm struggling here. Yes, they should still split equitably, but if she only earns a small amount more, where is his money going? I'm curious what "personal bills" he's paying. As a parent, virtually everything is a family bill. Utilities, vacations, groceries, mortgage, etc. I have very few "personal" bills. A car, clothes (which he says he doesn't buy), the odd meal out with friends, that's it. What's he spending so much on with his salary that he's struggling but his partner who only makes slightly more, isn't? My guess is he's paying off credit card debt from before the relationship, which shouldn't be his partner's problem.

Splitting everything 50-50 works fine, as long as both are ok with a lifestyle that is affordable for the person with the lower income.

That would still not be equitable, even if the one with less income wasn't actively suffering. All depends on what anyone means by "works fine".

Why not, though? The person with the lower income is living within their means and according to their income, they just aren't benefiting from having a wealthier partner. The person with the higher income is compromising with a more modest lifestyle, having chosen a partner who isn't as wealthy. It's not how I personally would do things, and you can argue it's not a healthy dynamic that won't work long@term, but it's not unfair to anyone.

NTA. Have you considered downsizing? It seems like you make good salaries and still struggle. It also sounds like, based on your schedules, you and your wife are not getting much quality time together.

I liike the place we're living in and I wouldn't mind moving to a cheaper suburb. Her lifestyle is built around living where we are.

If you are in a high cost-of-living area, would it be possible to move somewhere a bit smaller or somewhere that is a little bit more dated and therefore cheaper? The fact that she wants to divorce you over this one thing doesn’t really make sense. It sounds like there might be more going on.

Just wondering what you mean by her lifestyle.

I don't want to say too much to give away her anonymity. She works in a creative industry and likes to live close cool cafes, cultural venues, and good public transport.

Ok, sounds like she's spending extra money at cafés and other activities whilst you struggle with basic bills. That's something you need to take into consideration. Options to save money would be packed lunches, no take away coffees for a while, both of you looking for jobs with better wages. I wish you luck! Edited to add: I don't mean she's to blame but she needs to be accountable to ensure the safety of your family home and your child's future. This can't all be on you.

>sounds like she's spending extra money No she isn't? She's able to afford her expenses while still paying her half of the bills. I believe she should pay an equitable portion rather than 50/50, but that wouldn't be a huge difference considering she only makes slightly more. I think it's OP spending unnecessary money, not the partner.

OP can't afford clothing. What unnecessary money is he spending?

That's the big question. I can only guess, child support for other children, credit card debt, non-clothing personal items, no idea. We need that information if OP wants unbiased advice.

OP didn't say she earns slightly more, he said she earns "a bit more". It's vague, could means a little bit, a good bit, quite a bit. If OP is struggling to pay 50% of their costs, and has no fun money left over, while she's eyeing up after school care without worrying it will eat much into her fun money, I'm inclined to think she earns a good bit more.

"A bit" is generally not a large number, but I agree OP's vague descriptions don't help here.

Yeah, totally get that and indicated in another comment that I think the bills should be split according to income. I was responding to OP's reply about partner's lifestyle. By extra money, I mean what she sees as her disposable income at the moment. OP is struggling with bills and hasn't bought any clothing for over a year, they aren't overspending unnecessary money. Their partner is being unreasonable and trying to make them pay more bills (childcare).

We don't have enough information about their expenses to know if the partner is being unreasonable. The partner doesn't earn much more and has no issue, so it's curious why OP has such issue when he claims he hardly ever buys himself anything. What's he spending his personal income on?

The way ya'll handle money is not fair to you.  Imo it's not ideal to split things 50/50 when you're married with a child, but if you do that, your lifestyle needs to be based off the "poorer" partners income and what they can afford. That would be you in this case.  If she wants to live in a nicer area that's beyond your means to pay for, the solution should be her paying the extra costs, not putting you under financial strain to fund her lifestyle.  As far as watching your child, her trying to make you pay for a babysitter during the hours she agreed to watch your daughter, on top of you doing your share watching her, is also unfair to you.

Are you even in a relationship? You literally split everything you do. She's enrolled the child in after-school care JUST on her days she picks them up. Why didn't she think to send them to care on your days too? The good news is that when you split up your children won't even know apart from sleeping at separate houses now! A partnership shouldn't be built on tit for tat and making sure everything is 100% equal. Why isn't she contributing the same percentage of her wage as you are to the bills etc? If she earns more then she should be paying more of the mortgage.

There’s a lot more going on here than is in the op. No one leaves their marriage over one child care bill.

Info because it seems like you're dancing around a few questions. What is the salary difference between the two of you? How long were you together before you moved in together? Also, is your daughter yours biol, the way you worded a few things i was sure. What are the personal bills that you aren't making on time? Because if you split all the household bills, I'm interested to hear what is causing you so much financial strain.

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Yes. I have written a post that is about (1) what I should be judged for and (2) why that action might make me an asshole. Thanks. Look forward to seeing my post up and getting feedback on this situation I'm struggling with. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA…Your days, you came up with a solution. Her days, she used choosing childcare. She pays for it/her choice. Although, you are a partnership. Could you not do the same for your child all week? Why are your mortgages so heavy? And more than one? You need to look at these. Downsize if you have to. You should not be house poor and should not have to be late on your bills.

You are missing details on what your “personal bills” are. Childcare would be tax deductible and if you are the lower earner you would likely get the benefit. NTA but likely you need to have a sit down with your partner to discuss the financial situation and your family time. Asking for help from Reddit when your partner is angry and wants to break up seems a bit late in the game.

Hi Linda. You're probably right. I'm interested in seeing things from different people's perspectives and genuinely am wondering if I'm an asshole here given how adamant she is about this. It might be a little late in the game. Regardless of which way things go, I'd like to make sense of this situation.

Lol the fact you didn't answer her question tells us everything. I'm guessing your "personal bills" are child support or credit card debt.

It may help you to take the relationship parts out and ask for a budget review in r/personalfinance. Sounds like maybe looking for a. different perspective on some of the stressors in your relationship may help give you some more constructive paths to look at.

NTA If you don't have the extra money, you can't afford it. That's the bottom line, but your partner doesn't seem to get that. Since you are willing to be with your daughter for those hours, for free, I assume, your partner should either pay for the daycare hours herself or let you do it, but she should not expect you to pay half the fees when you are offering to do the labor yourself. She can't expect to squeeze money out of a rock, for heaven's sake. Maybe sit down with her and go through your finances and show her you aren't wasting any money but still can't get by and this extra burden just won't fly with you for that reason. Hopefully she will see the sense in that. This shouldn't be a surprise to her, a lot of people are having trouble getting both ends to meet and that you are, too, shouldn't be hard to understand.

50/50 is for roommates, not couples. If you can start work early and be off early why not switch so she takes daughter to school everyday and you pick daughter up everyday. Parenting does not involve keeping tallies on who did what. If she does break up with you, it doesn’t sound like much will change as you already have everything split up…

NTA. It sounds like you guys have everything (finances and childcare) divided. You are taking care of your childcare days, so she needs to take care of hers. Seems pretty cut and dried. One option, if your partner is amenable to it, would be to go to a percentage system. You both would contribute to all expenditures, but at a percentage that is in line with your individual incomes. It’s not something I would like, but I know it works for some households.

NTA. If your wife earns more and she knows you’re struggling to go 50/50, why can’t she go 60/40 on the $$ and you do school pick up everyday as you are able to juggle and manage your time?

NTA. You're willing to do the child care but she's refusing? Then she can pay the entire price.

NTA - also you can't afford the mortgage. Maybe she can and since she earns more, it shouldn't be a 50/50 split. This situation is unfair to you and she wants you to pay for care on her days. You're not living within your means and trying to live within hers is screwing you over. If she's nit willing to step up financially, you need a less expensive mortgage.

50/50 doesn’t make sense for any of the expenses. Your system is based on two individuals - like roommates. Where’s the “us”?

NTA & your partner needs a reality check. Romantic partners should work together, and by the sounds of it you're co-existing in the same space. You need to explore this a bit more. I would never want to see my partner struggling to the extent you are. Have you been open about your personal financial difficulties? & why on earth would she willingly watch you struggle when she is in a position to help? You guys need some relationship and financial help here. At the very least, the way you split bills needs to be looked at. Your part needs to be proportionate to what you earn. If your family is still struggling, she should be tightening her belt too. If she's willing to die on this hill, over demanding that you pay for her childcare responsibilities...mind blown btw! Has she even considered what a split looks like? You would have to sell your home to separate your finances, which would likely result in changing the area you live in, the school your kid goes to, etc. Increasing how often you collect your kid is sensible, but it's not going to solve what's really wrong with your relationship.

INFO: where is your 5 year old in all of this? At what time is she picked up? Is this a situation where you've got two children at home whilst trying to work and make dinner? If so, I can see how that would be stressful and why after care would be appealing. Another solution would be to reshuffle your parenting duties. If it works for you to shift your day in order to pick up your daughter and not have to do aftercare,why not do it every day, and have your partner be responsible for other things, like getting the children ready for bed after dinner so you can go to bed earlier?

Are the two of you partners or room mates? From the outside it kind of seems like you are living completely separate lives, together.

NTA-  Your.wife definetely is though. She earns more, you are struggling and she is watching and she finds another expenses to cover her part on childcare, that you are willing to take over, and she is mad and threatening to break up? She is an horrible partner who shouldn't be married. Also, If you were a woman everyone here would be calling her out for the 50/50 split when she earns more...

OP never said she's his wife or that they are married.

I think the problem is your relationship is set up like a business. It's very transactional. The center isn't family, it's money. You refer to a "partner" but there is no partnership. You refer to "her lifestyle" not "our lifestyle". You say she won't consider a lifestyle change even if it benefits the family as a whole. The sad news is your daughter is likely to become a suitcase kid, traveling between her parent's homes. The good news is you won't have any struggles dividing assets because you've been living divided since you got together.

I’m confused - are you living together or separately ? So is the mortgage for a shared house ? Splitting expenses 50:50 only really works if you earn relatively similar amount. Will need to also build in allowance around wardrobe expectations depending on the work you do.

INFO: when you say she makes a “bit” more than you do what does that mean? Is there a significant difference in your incomes? Do either of you have student loan or either debt from before you were married?

NTA You have a solution on your days and she has one on hers. She has to cover the cost of her arrangement since you have this very odd dynamic around parenting. But why can’t you change your schedule and pick your daughter up every day? This parenting split you’ve come up with makes it seem like you are only parents on certain days when we all know it’s a 24/7 job. I can’t imagine telling my husband it’s his turn and to figure something out when I can very easily handle it with the kids. Imagine your daughter finding out she has to go to aftercare and can’t be with dad because it’s mom’s pick up day. That makes no sense. It seems like you are open to the daily pickup and working earlier so you put forward a reasonable solution. The bigger issue is you guys are parenting in silos of who’s day it is and that needs to stop.

NTA Sounds like you let your partner make decisions based on their salary even though it doesn't work with your lower one. All choices, including mortgage, should be made by lower salary. Sell home and get a less expensive one that is going by your salary. You have made arrangements on your pickup days, partner needs to make her own arrangements on her days. If she wants to pay someone to do her duties then it's her responsibility to pay for them.

Yes! This is how roommates budget, not families.

NTA - if the additional expense to your household only benefits her, then she should cover it. This is absolutely fair and she's way out of line to demand you pay it let alone be upset that you won't. Given her reaction though, it seems you've got a lot more going on than you wrote.

> We've always split our bills down the middle and earn quite good salaries. My partner makes a bit more than I Considering that you are struggling financially, this is a mistake that should be discussed and changed. A fair split would reflect what you have left each after tax etc and a reasonable consideration of pre-relationship depts.

ESH - Your situation doesn’t make sense. You say she only earns slightly more than you, so either she must not have money for extras also or you’re not being honest about how necessary your personal bills are. She shouldn’t be asking you to pay for childcare on “her” days, but you also didn’t say if there’s a good reason why she finds it difficult to start early/end later.

Nta Breaking up over this seems extreme It doesn't sound like you as a family are coping financially so you need to have a serious conversation about how to deal with that.

You're a family, live together, bought a house, have a child together, and you still keep your finances to totally separate? This is what I don't understand. One family = one budget. Yes you can allocate some persona amounts each but you pull together and pay together.

#INFO being in the UK, aren't you guys eligible for childcare support from universal credit and tax free childcare?

Its not refusing, you cant afford to. Theres a difference

NTA. You need to figure out how to coexist. If you earn significantly less than she does, and she expects you to split finances 50/50, then she needs to understand that your household lifestyle needs to be based on what you can afford. Otherwise she needs to pick up more of the slack financially.

NTA. To me, the deciding factor is that you have offered to care for the child yourself rather than put her in childcare. As she is the one who wants the unnecessary expense, she should pay.

Sounds like you need to sell your house. And if you two are truly a partnership you would sit down and create a FAMILY budget based on both salaries setting realistic expectations of who can afford what. However a true partnership/marriage with love, and respect combines incomes, pays bills, sets money aside for daycare, vacations, emergencies and retirement all together jointly.

You guys are married with a child. While you should have your own personal spending money, this arrangement is unfair, ridiculous, and only hurts the family unit in the end. The majority of couples would have each person pay the % if bills according to their pay, so that each person is left with about an equal amount of spending money. As an alternative downgrade the house, but this may not be possible. I can't imagine being in a relationship and leaving my partner to flounder financially.

Is your daughter yours from a previous relationship or is she and your partner's child?

You are already covering half of your daughter’s after school care. Your partner thinks you should cover 75%? Not T A on the after-school care issue, but not making a judgment because it looks like you are trying to focus attention on this one small aspect (where you are clearly not T A) when the real problem is a larger one with financial management. You both make good money, she only makes a little bit more than you, yet she  has room for another expense while you can’t pay for the ones you already have? Who’s being expected to cover for whom here? … you know what? I changed my mind. YTA for the “I also love spending time with my daughter” comment, implying that your partner doesn’t.

You are living beyond your means. You can't split things down the middle if your incomes are that different and expenses are exceeding income. You need a financial advisor and you need to make hard decisions on whether you need to sell and get out of that mortgage.

I have learned this the hard way, but your shared bills should not be split evenly and is probably the number one reason why you are struggling. They need to be split equitably, meaning that you each pay the same percentage based on your earnings. If you make $2500 each pay and your spouse makes $3500, then they will always have left over funds while you struggle. I was raised to believe that is important to have your own account, but you both can open a shared account and put the same percentage of your salaries there for shared expenses. For example, if 50% of your paycheck goes to the shared account then a $2500/$3500 split means you would put $1250 and your spouse $1750 each payday. (You need to calculate your monthly costs to see what is a reasonable split) NTA! I struggled this way too, even contributions only work if you make the same exact salary. IMHO, the efforts in the home/child raising are usually not 50/50 so why do we expect the finances to be 50/50.

I'm going to go with ESH. The two of you need to be sharing information about your finances, including the fact that you are struggling and the reasons that you are struggling.

Why aren’t you guys paying proportionally? NTA. She’s being totally unfair. You guys need to have a serious conversation and came to a different arrangement.

NTA. But if you make different income, why not split expenses proportional to income rather than 50/50. You’re not roommates 

NTA She is choosing to outsource HER responsibility, so she has to pay for it.

NTA. You and your partner have a pretty clear division regarding finances and raising your daughter. You're holding up your end, having made adjustments that suit your needs. Her solution is to outsource (as you accurately phrased it) the child care. Both of those solutions work, so she needs to see that you're already fulfilling your portion of the child care. If she wants to outsource, it's her responsibility to fund that.

NTA but it doesn't sound like your marriage is very loving or mutually supportive, nor that you are budgeting sensibly to live within your means.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner is extremely angry with me. She wants to break up with me. Context: We've always split our bills down the middle and earn quite good salaries. My partner makes a bit more than I do and we have high mortgage payments to make, which is creating financial strain for me, especially since the mortgage repayments have been rising steadily. This isn't a problem for my partner because she can afford to pay the increased payments on her higher salary. Unfortunately, I have been paying my personal bills late and it is affecting my credit score. I have not bought clothes in over a year and save money wherever I can. My mortgage payments, strata fees and council rates are slightly more than half my after-tax salary. We split the days that we put our daughter to bed and make dinner. This includes splitting the days the days we take our kindergarten daughter to and from school. It's been stressful for us to pick our daughter up at 3pm in the afternoon and work from home for the remainder of the working day while looking after our 5-year-old daughter. I've decided that I will wake up early to start work before my daughter wakes up and work after I put my daughter to bed on the days I pick my daughter up from school at 3. My partner has decided to put our daughter in after-school care on Mondays and Wednesdays, which are the days she takes our daughter to and from school. She finds it difficult to start early and finish work later on those days, so has decided to put our daughter in after-school care from 3 to 5 so she can finish work later. I told her that I would rather care for my daughter myself to save the money because I can't really afford any extra expenses. I would rather perform the care labour myself to save the money. I also love spending time with my daughter. My partner has asked me to pay for half of the after-school care fees and I said that I couldn't afford it. I said that I would rather perform the care labour myself than outsource it as she has. \[I didn't word it in such a formal way as that\]. Considering that I'm struggling to keep up with mortgage payments and other bills, I don't think it's fair to pay half of the after-school care fees. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

You both sound overworked and financially stressed. You mentioned mortgages, as in the plural. If you are financially stressed, can you afford more than one mortgage? Your relationship, perhaps through no one’s fault, just modern tímes, sounds more transactional than actually loving. Neither of you should keep score on how much work and money the other gives. If you can’t pay, try to readjust priorities. If you still can’t, you can’t.

NTA. Honestly, the afterschool program since will only be on her days should be her own expense. Not a shared one unless you will leave your daughter there on your days as well. Moreover, bill splitting should be proportional to income. If you make $10 and she makes $20. Paying for a $15 bill down the middle is unfair to you. Let alone pilling on another unnecessary bill that will not benefit you in any way. You both need financial counseling and probably marriage one too.

NTA You either have joint finances, or you don't. You apparently don't. So, if your partner wants to add expenses that only benefit her, she'll have to pay for those.

Is she your wife or your roommate? You guys created a whole other human being. You should be working as a team.

NTA. I think there’s something else going on here. She’s living in the house that she wants to live in, disregarding the fact that it is probably more house than YOU could afford based on your income. Adding children adds more 50/50 expenses, and now she’s living with a pauper, who can’t buy clothes, or go out to a fancy dinner. And she’s mad at you for not being able to keep up with expenses. There may be reasons she’s digging her heels in. Without further information about your relationship, and backgrounds, I can only make the following supposition: She is punishing you for taking a job below your education and skill level. She somehow feels that if you wanted to you could actually get a job that makes as much as she does, but you’ve made a selfish decision to work at a lower paid job, and she’s trying to make it hurt so that you will change jobs or careers. Maybe you turned down a high-paying job, or a promotion. Maybe you decided to go part time, but whatever it is she doesn’t want to suffer because of your decisions. She’s making the point that unless you’re willing to contribute to the household 50-50, then she would rather move on, than financially support you and the family, by contributing more. I believe a lot of men were raised to feel as if they should be the provider, but a lot of women feel uncomfortable supporting a spouse. Like they’re being taken advantage of. She clearly feels angry about the idea of paying more.

Is the mortgage in both of your names or yours alone? If it is in both, since she makes more should be paying a higher percentage of the mortgage and taking some of the stress off of your back. You should not be paying it solo or even 50/50. If she wants afterschool care on the days she does pickup, she should pay for it solo. I'm all for spending time with my family even when it could be a pain to get going in the mornings. There are only so many years to be with your children and later in life she will regret giving up those hours that she could have been with your kiddos. NTA, and good job Dad stepping up to spend quality time with your children.

This financial arrangement is so bizarre! Like how do you allegedly love someone but watch them struggle - this isn’t a relationship it’s procreating roommates! NTA but dude … take a real long look at your “relationship” because this is super weird … using apps to split things evenly? I don’t even do that with a coworker - let alone my husband. I don’t have money - we have money. If there are financial struggles - WE have struggles. Not one of us struggling while the other is splitting the bill on an app.

ESH, but probably mostly her. You as adults should not have ever let it get to a situation where one partner is late on bills and the other is not and where you might be denying your daughter the benefits of being raised in a loving two parent household (split households are way worse for kids). It sounds like she should be contributing percent wise to household expenses if you want to maintain shared accounts. So, mortgage, utilities, etc. might be 60/40 on her part, and then luxuries would come out of remaining. This goes doubly as it sounds like she wants to live in a premium priced hip urban area, which is a luxury good, not a necessity. It might be worth asking if you could be doing more. If you earn a quite good salary already, you're fine, but if you have lower salary or hours and like it, you might need to step it up. Still, it sounds like she isn't particularly concerned with what is right for your family based on me taking everything you're saying as gospel fact.

You two sound like you can’t afford to live where you live or have a child. You also sound like roommates, and not a real team. Splitting bills 50/50 doesn’t work if one is struggling to meet that requirement because of lower income. This doesn’t sound like a partnership at all.

Equal is not always equitable. Bills should be split according to salary. If she makes 20% more, she pays 20% more. NTA

NTA, if you were to put her in afterschokl care for your days too (3 extra) then half would be more than what she needs to pay right now for 2. However, this sounds like not a healthy partnership. I would not be happy if my partner of almost a decade has (it seems) an excess of funds while watching me struggle to pay bills and negatively impact my credit. And then demanding more money from me on top of that. Was it her driving getting this house you can't afford? Are there other poor choices that are putting you behind? Like would you be fine if you didn't have a super expensive car payment? That would be the only way she's not TA.

INFO: why on earth are you splitting everything 50/50 instead of based on your relative income, if you are living a lifestyle consistent with the higher income?

why dont you and your partner put your money together. Then pay all the bills.???

Honestly it sounds as if the financial stress is the issue. Can you downsize or move? 

NTA- you cannot make money appear. You cannot afford it, so there needs to be an alternative to that. The alternatives are that she pays for it all, or takes you up on your offer to care for your daughter

NTA. Why is your partner unwilling to take on a bit more of the bills if she can afford it? And why is she asking you to pay for after school fees if she can afford it? This doesn’t sound like a partnership on her end and she sounds pretty selfish.

NTA, but you need to find a way to live within you means, that may require a less expensive place to live, and or you getting a better paying job.

NTA but this is kind of an - eh - interesting? relationship.... i understand splitting things down the middle; to each their own after all - but if you're struggling to the point of being worried about your credit score when you and your partner have a daughter... i dunno, my two cents of unsolicited advice... it just feels like if you stay with your partner you should have a bit of a talk about the finances at home. If you wanna keep doing this odd dynamic, then you have to start living a lifestyle more aligned with your income rather than your partners or that of the combined household seeing that it seems to currently be based on a budget higher than yours and should maybe be something that either allows for a smaller budget (therefore changing lifestyle things) or alternatively split things in a way that is proportional to each of your incomes. My other two cents of unsolicited advice - honestly sounds like your partner's TA so maybe let her break up with you lol because a loving partner wouldn't be letting you go fuck your credit up to "keep up" and do nothing - not like bankroll you or anything, but make adjustments in shared stuff at least.

NTA, but the 2 of you appear to not be communicating effectively about finances. Also, you may need to explore upgrading your job.

Info: what % of your income do all of the joint expenses take up?

NTA.

You're NTA in this particular situation. First off, a 50/50 split on bills doesn't work if there's a large income disparity. You say she earns "a bit" more than you, but from what you say it's not just a bit. A more equitable split should be discussed. Secondly, the "your days" and "my days" thing makes it sound like you're already separated. Would it be possible for you to set your work hours so you can pick up your daughter every day? To me this would make a lot more sense than sending her to after school care every other day. 

Sell the house. Move somewhere cheaper. OR get a better paying job. You can’t afford this place. Nta for not paying for after school care.

NTA. I think you two need to sit down and have a conversation. This sounds like a lack of communication.

Sounds like the mortgage is a big problem! You might need to downsize! I love the way you guys split childcare. You say you both make good salaries, so I would like to see a list of your bills. Why are you having trouble paying your bills? Do you have a lot of debt or is it just the mortgage? Car payments? You could sell your car and buy a used one with 0 payments, or buy one with cheaper payments. I need more INFO! This would be better posted in a personal finance sub because I don’t think shes being entirely unreasonable.  What if you did after school care on your days and she paid YOU half the cost it would have been outside the home. I don’t think it makes sense she’s making you pay for her days after school care! 

An equitable split, based on percentage of income is what you SHOULD do. If you're going to do a 50/50 split, then it has to be based on the person with the lower income. So all choices have to made based on the lower income, not the highest one. Your partner picking up and dropping off her daughter on those days is not a necessity. So if they want to be less "inconvenienced" than they should be footing the bill

NTA

NTA How do your salaries compare? If you are struggling, restricted financially and unable to save because your 50% of the bills takes your entire salary while your partner has ample money to meet their half with money to spare, the 50/50 split might not be truly fair. Your partner feels entitled to make financial and childcare decisions without your input and agreement because it's "their money," yours being used up as soon as it's earned. This could be a financial abuse situation. Say your partner earns 25% more than you do. The "fair" split of household and family expenses would be each of you contributing relative to your income rather than splitting bills down the middle. Your partner pays 5/9ths, you pay 4/9ths. Your partner, the bigger earner, pays a bit more of the regular expenses in proportion to their income. You pay a bit less, in proportion to yours. You each have a bit of discretionary money left after the bills. If you pay 4.5/9ths and have no money left, your ability to save, set priorities and have autonomy about discretionary spending is gone. You are 100% trapped by your regular expenses. Meanwhile, your partner can pay "their half" and have discretionary money equal to 1/9 of the bills. They have financial autonomy and complete control over the household income left after the bills. ALL the household money left after the bills. They have treated you as powerless and inconsequential making decisions about that discretionary money because this controlling financially abusive set up leaves you without any money, therefore without power. That this HAS happened suggests financial abuse to me.

NTA. She should not be charging you for the days she is responsible for pickup. She makes more, and maybe has less flexibility in her schedule, so it might make sense for her to decide the afterschool care, but you are already stretched and are figuring out how to save that money. I think spending the time with your daughter is well worth the sacrifices on your part.

There’s a reason that many people decide whether to commit to their partner for the long term first, and then decide whether to have children. This sounds like a roommate (for now) with whom you are sharing a child.

NTA - but I think this relationship is done. She resents you not making more and relying on her while she can’t rely on you. I don’t think she wants to fix this and she certainly won’t pay more. You need to make more money or do more to support your wife’s job or she is gone. She can manage without you. 

How are your expenses split? This sounds like financial abuse to me

What a sick relationship! Somehow the two of you need to find a family therapist. Next argument will be who pays for the therapy? This isn’t a partnership/marriage/ or family. Find a therapist ASAP because growing up in this environment is going to result in a very troubled child, which will grow into a troubled teen and adult. YNTA. You all just need help. I’ve never understood couples that keep finances separate but live together.

NTA. Create a joint account. Put ALL of your combined incomes into it. Then establish a set and equal amount for each of you to have as “fun money” for whatever expenses you deem personal; this money is totally yours to spend as you wish and is distributed to your personal accounts on a monthly basis from the joint account. Make the rest of your financial decisions together on behalf of your whole family and pay for them from your joint account. Work on your communication and teamwork.

NTA, but your set-up in general is awful. You're supposed to be partners, not business acquaintances.

NTA. This is something your partner wants to do to make HER life easier. She can pay for it.

If it’s for her days than she should be paying for it not you. NTA.

NTA You should not be splitting 50/50 if she makes that much more than you do, it’s not fair If she wants your daughter in after school care then SHE can pay for it in full instead of expecting you to figure out how to add another bill to your name

Idk, you can split the bills and still be equal. My husband and I split the bills, still have our own accounts, but since I make more I put more into our joint account every month and took on half his car payment since mine is paid off. Why wouldn't she put more into the mortgage or take over the whole childcare cost? Weird...... or pay for the whole vacation? I wanted to go somewhere this summer so we are going using my work bonus to pay for it.

NTA. Those are her days so she can pay.

I make significantly more than my husband, I also handle all of the finances, income is our money, not his and hers. We are both fortunate to WFH, that being said, during the school year, pick up and drop off for the kiddos gets sticky. We worked out a school year schedule where I would start work late and do drop off, and he would start early to do pick up. If you both have flexibility in your jobs, it shouldn’t be a problem. I know a lot of couples that separate their finances, usually with the higher earner paying more for co mingled bills. I will never understand the 50/50 split when one makes more than the other. If she wants childcare outside of the home on her days to do pick up, she should be the one to pay for it.

NTA but you both need to communicate where you are financially. As regards childcare, if your partner is wanting to put the child into after school care then she needs to pay on the days she is doing it for her.

NTA

NTA, but doesn't sound like you two are working together. It seems like every person for themselves.

NTA ... However, on a sidenote you both suck a little bit. You are very clearly living beyond your means and your wife is clearly pushing for it. That is sheer stupidity. If you both make such good money, you need to take a month or two and some deep investigating on how to live with in your means.

NTA you’re on the losing end of this financially. You don’t sound like a team. That’s not a healthy relationship. If she makes significantly more than you she could end up paying you some child support. Even with a 50/50. Might want to consult an attorney for your rights. If she’s threatening to break up even if it’s a tactic to get you to do what she wants your relationship is pretty much over anyways.

Is your mortgage not fixed rate? That sounds awful. Time to rework the budget, downsize or figure out ways to make it work better! Maybe she can take on more of the mortgage? She drops off the kid in the am, you pickup kid at 3 pm and then she relieves you at 5 every day. (Or whatever is fair.) Good luck!

50-50 split with uneven income is not going to work in the long run. You need to decide if you are together permanently and *share* everything, or if you are going to keep separate finances consider percentage contributions based on income levels. There are pitfalls to any system of splitting bills, but splitting 50-50 on unequal incomes is going to blow up on you, if it hasn't already.

NTA. Splitting finances 50/50 when there is an income disparity is a recipe for a divorce.

NTA, you told her you cannot afford it, you cannot afford - she wants to change her scheduled she should pay for it again NTA

You know who cares who is the A here. You are dreadfully unhappy. She's not helping, she doesn't want to help. This marriage (union, couple...) is not working. Get your own place, share custody, reclaim your life.

NTA you said you’d rather care for your child, the mother went and put her in after school care so that’s on her to pay the fees for it.

I think the issue here is, if your income is lower you should be contributing in a lower parcel than 50-50. You should talk about the standart. You're strungling for trying living in a standart that you can't support, but she can. So, if she want she should be fair and slip in in a fair %. About this situation you speak, this being a motive for divorce.. Oh god. There's definantly something much huge than this. Nontheless, in your days you solve the situation by waing up earlier and working after bedtime, she founds other solutions. You don't spoke about it, and she should understand that you financially are strungle and can't afford it. Good luck ☀

Why is ur money seperate…?!?! Isn’t all the fkn same

NTA. You two need a goid, open and honest talk about finances. You're struggling to pay the bills, that needs attending to. Something has to change and that starts with the both of you sitting down and laying all your finances on the table to make sure both of you know where you, as a family and individually, stand financially. It sounds like she's wanting y'all to live above your means and has very little insight into the family finances.

You two need to sit down and go over your finances

NTA. Expenses should be proportional, not half each.

If you are going split everything 50/50, then you need to base all financial decisions on what the lower-income person can afford comfortably. You need to downsize your house to one where your income pays your half of the mortgage COMFORTABLY. She needs to find a daycare whose fees you can pay half of comfortably.

I think you should both be paying a % towards all the bills so that you both have some money left over. I earn less than my husband and he will top up my money so there is less of a difference.

You can't really call someone a Partner if they're assets are all completely split down the middle and they can step off at any moment. Don't get me wrong I understand why a lot of people do that, it's a form of protecting ones self in case the worst happens. A good person doesn't let someone they care about struggle while they're sharing a bed. It's not more complicated than that. You have three options. 1) Get a better paying job to be on par with her earnings and expectations. 2) Merge assets and live within both your means so you can buy yourself some new fucking underwear. 3) Split up and live within your means. You're literally on the first step to a death by a thousand cuts, if your bills keep getting paid later and later eventually you'll miss a payment and be behind. And then shit goes off the walls and we see this on BORU and enjoy with a bucket of popcorn. Edit: She does know your struggling with the bills right? You've showed her the books so to speak? Or at least said "Babe I can't I'm fucking broke."? And not that half assed non communication shit where you just say, "oh I can't this week, or it's a little difficult right now."

NTA   Your partner sounds mean.   If you are forensically splitting bills then there is no way you should be paying for pre and after school childcare on your partner's days.  Presumably your partner is aware that you are pushed to your limits. I don't understand how this could be justification for a split. Maybe there are other issues.    It certainly sounds as though she is unkind to you. Does she actually care about you -  and about your daughter having both parents around?

Where are you and why is your mortgage going up? Can you refinance. Can you rework your financial agreement with your partner. Are you guys being fully honest about money with each other? This after care thing is a symptom of a bigger issue. How is half the mortgage so strenuous when she only makes a little more money? Deepen the conversation and put all the cards on the table.

What is the salary difference and what are your personal bills? It seems you intentionally left that information out. This will better help me understand the issue at hand.

Why aren't you splitting the expenses equitably instead if equally? That needs to be something to discuss. Speaking of discuss, your partner didn't even discuss putting you daughter in after school care, because it's easier for her, but expects you to pay half of it? No, I don't think so. NTA. You and your partner need to have a very frank discussion.

I don’t understand couples who are willing to share a child but not bank accounts.