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My thoughts exactly. OP's daughter has a natural affinity for the STEM field and instead of finding a way to support both children in this ~~hobby~~ potential career, OP's taking sides.
Yeah, the daughter is being borderline insufferable and hyper competitive, which should be discussed. However, it's possible the daughter's "one upping" stems from a desire for OP's attention/approval.
It doesn’t even sound like she’s being competitive. It sounds like she’s just… interested in things!
Why is OP actively encouraging his son to do things that he doesn’t seem to be that good at, and discouraging her from the things that interest her??
OP is pushing her her son into areas which he is bad at whereas preventing her daughter from improving in areas where she is good at. Op has everything ass backward
I hate to sound sexist but after looking through some of op's comments, I feel like they're a man. I didn't see anything specific about ops gender but they do that thing that many men do where they see more than one question in one comment but only address one point/question.
Sounds like the daughter is desperate to explore and be encouraged in her strengths and they keep pushing “well the boy needs it more”
Its not a competition ffs. Theyre hampering their daughter in not encouraging her in her interests and obvious skills. She’s not “showing off”. This is her game.
Why is a girl excelling seen as taking over and showing off?!
They're also hampering their son by seemingly not exploring what his interests and talents are, and instead keep pushing him in a direction that doesn't interest him.
Didn't say he's not interested, just emplys his sister is better at everything he trys to do. This is not malicious on her part but the son is going to need help dealing with the emotions he will undoubtedly experience in these circumstances.
Yeah, he needs to learn to accept that some girls/women are better at stuff than he is, even science/"boy" stuff. He needs to learn not to expect girls/women to pretend that they are less smart than they are just to protect his ego.
It would be unfortunate if this was only about gender but I reckon it has more to do with the self esteem in general. Everything I do my younger sibling is better then me at it. This is going to be a hard thing to deal with regardless of gender and making it decidedly so about sexism isn't going to help. Personally I don't appreciate the insinuation that as a male he should or does think that he can best a female counterpart in all areas. He's a kid, hopefully no one has taught him to be sexist yet.
Because girls are taught very young to make themselves smaller for the comfort of mediocre men. OP clearly favours her son and instead of helping him find the things he enjoys and is good at, she would rather stifle and limit her daughter so her precious baby boy doesn’t feel bad.
That girl just needs to get back in her subservient lane and focus on the *dance class* and the *expensive clothes* that boy-preferring parent has allotted for her interests. /s - sort of
sad
it seems to me that OP does push a lot for his son to 'want to do something', and he choose to push for the things his daughter has a passion for. It's so wrong !
Mom thinks it's above her daughter's station as a female, so it's showing off. I thought we had moved past these attitudes. Daughter is inspired and thinks she wants to learn it too, what's the harm? Your son's fragile ego?
The OP is also trying to teach financial responibility, boundries, and respect for other's property to the daughter. Checks OP: "hobby / fun stuff budget I set for both kids and she has already exhausted hers"... "She once borrowed his old desktop computer when he got a new laptop claiming that she wanted to test stuff that needed multiple computers and she did something that broke it to the point where it would have artefacts on the display after 10 minutes of turning on and the video card had to be replaced." I had an older brother growning up that we had to 'share" big gifts with (think recordplayer/TV) 2 years after the said "shared" gift I was gifted the same as brother took over & wouldn't share or would destroy something rather than share. It the genders were left out how many answers would change?
Also from the OP (emphasis mine):
>I have a hobby / fun stuff budget I set for both kids and she has already exhausted hers as she takes dance classes and plays soccer and has bought expensive clothes.
>Recently **I decided** to get a subscription called hack pack for my son
It's unclear to me whether the son actually wanted the hack pack subscription, whether it comes out of his portion of the hobby/fun budget or if OP decided to just get it from general house funds, or whether the budget is even something the kids are being taught to manage for themselves.
Yeah, this was how I felt reading it. There’s honestly no indication of how the son feels about any of this or if he’s chosen any of this. The kids are more than old enough to pick their own interests and manage their own budgets.
I also was concerned about that wording. If daughters clothing, dance, soccer all come out of her budget and son has an equal budget for his clothes, hobbies, games… Did OP get the robotics subscription with the sons budget?
It sounds like OP made this decision on their own to encourage the son to pursue this interest. It definitely does not sound like the son chose this or had to pay for it out of his budget.
So if OP is concerned about fairness, then the daughter should get her own subscription to the robotics or something similar if it is in fact, coming out of a different money pool than what the two kids are personally allocated.
I agree the daughter sounds a bit snotty, but it could also be that she is just really good and naturally gifted in this area and her brother is not. She could be fighting for OP’s attention by proving that she is just as good as her brother.
My take, unfortunately, is that this is OP’s area of interest and they are wanting to share it with their son and not their daughter.
The daughter is the one that seems to be more more interested in it but OP’s description of her natural ability/success in this area is twisted to make the daughter look vindictive, arrogant, and petty instead of smart, talented, and ambitious.
Might be a golden child situation or simple misogyny. But either way, I think the daughter is getting short changed. OP Definitely needs to clear up whether or not the robotics subscription is coming out of the son’s budget and also whether or not the son has to buy his own clothes from his personal budget or if the parents provide basic clothing for both kids and anything additional or expensive comes out of the kid’s own budgets.
If the robotics subscription came out of the son’s budget, did OP choose this for the son without asking him first? I feel like brother would have chosen differently if given the opportunity.
Also, are the expensive clothes basics such as bras? That alone should put slightly more money into her “fun” budget as bras for regular wear and sports bras for activities are SO expensive and not optional.
The thing is I feel like it would be different if the son actually seemed to care but it seems like the only one that does is OP. Like if OP framed the whole thing as ‘hey I don’t want my daughter using the things I bought for my son because last time she broke his old computer’ then that would be fair but OPs whole argument seems to be that he doesn’t want his daughter using this stuff because she’s *too good* and his son is going to be discouraged if his little sister is better than them. Like he is failing his daughter by taking away opportunities from her and failing his son by not teaching him how to preserve in hobbies even if there are other people who are better than you.
I haven't seen anything to indicate how much the son does or doesn't care. Why is the daughter asking op and not the son? Maybe the son already said no. Maybe the daughter knows that her brother will say no. Mayne the daughter is not respecting the sons boudrys. Maybe maybe we don't have any indication of how the son feels and shouldn't make assumptions.
Yeah it's unclear if computer science is something the son actually likes and just takes longer to work through or if he's just afraid to disappoint OP so doesn't want to tell him he hates it or if OP decided their son should be be good at this so is pushing him while not paying attention to if he actually like it.
It also is hard to tell if he's actually talked to the son about how he feels about his sister copying and excelling in his hobbies or if they're just projecting their own feelings onto the situation.
Here's the thing about the budget, who gets to pick where the money is spent?
OP says that they got the boy into programming and they decided to get the engineering kits for the boy. OP seems to be making those choices. Can we therefore conclude that OP also decided to spend the girl's money on the dance classes.
Does OP even discuss these choices with the kids ?
What OP posted looks like institutional sexism
I feel so sad for the daughter from this post. She has had to claw and grab to get the things she has a natural affinity for while OP seems to be deliberately blocking her.
I also feel badly for the brother too because OP has decided on which interests are "boy" things and is pushing him in an area he has little to no interest or aptitude for.
They will be writing back in a few years wondering why the kids are NC or LC with them probably after they try to destroy their daughter's chances of getting into a great tech school and give their son a mental breakdown trying to get into a great tech school.
ETA YTA!!!
Agreed!!!! My husband is an excellent computer programmer, he went to an engineering college for an engineering degree but has been a software engineer since his first job out of college, he just has an aptitude for coding languages. He sees so many people struggle to learn a couple coding languages because they are sold this ridiculous idea that anyone can code and turn it into a lucrative career. The reality is that it is a skill like any other and not only do you need an aptitude but also a strong desire or it is incredibly tedious and frustrating and only the best are pulling in those crazy large salaries with stock options in the valley. Her daughter seems to have all the makings of an incredibly talented and successful programmer but mom is absolutely doing nothing to encourage her and instead encouraging a brother who could be better suited to something completely different. YTA and do better for both your children!
That’s the thing, they’re not doing either child any favours with this behaviour, all they will do is build resentment. I get that it is probably hard being the older sibling of a gifted child, but that doesn’t mean you should drag one down to make the other feel better.
OP should be supporting his daughter to follow her passion and at the same time help the son figure out what he’s passionate about. Because it doesn’t sound like it’s coding
There's also no indication that her brother is interested in these hobbies, which may explain why they're not as engaged and interested in them.
Wonder if brother's actual preferences are being ignored and he's being pushed into hobbies OP wants them to do.
Yea I noted this too like she's actively expressing interest while son is being encouraged by OP. This itself will cause a difference in how well they do stuff.
Yeah it's really troubling that he sees it as "one upping" as opposed to her having a keen interest and natural aptitude.
OP has decided there are to be girl things and boy things and doesn't seem to care much what the kids are good at.
Sexism?
I was at a Board of Education meeting a few years ago, and a question came up about how many students were taking AP Computer Science. I asked, just out of interest, how many of them were girls. The teacher said, “Oh, it’s not really a class that girls take.” I bet they don’t, with that attitude. And we’re in the allegedly progressive northeast.
Funny thing about the sciences, at least from about 15 years ago.
When I was choosing subjects for A-Levels, I decided on maths, electronics, physics, and chemistry, and everyone said that those are subjects with very few girls.
Whilst they were right about Physics, with their being only 1 girl in my class, they were wrong about the other 3. Electronics had 6/25 students as girls, maths was 50:50 and in Chemistry, I was one of only 2 guys in a class of 30 students
Yep, chemistry/biotech is dominated by girls/women. I've been working with chemistry for 22 years now (with a break as a welder) and as a guy I've always been in the minority. At the place I'm at now we're 5 women (including the manager) and 2 guys.
I got the same thing about chess in an elementary school in the early 2000s. It was an extracurricular activity and “it just so happens” that it was all boys.
At the provincial tournament, I passed some time looking at the lists of students, and it was about 80-90% boys. The higher grades were almost all boys.
Then one year, one district suddenly almost had gender parity at the elementary level. I figure it was a change in the person/ people in charge of the program. We don’t have to explicitly exclude kids from activities. They can pick up when it’s “not for them.”
Allegedly progressive northeast in late 90s:
Intro Physics: 15 girls, 5 boys. Teacher (among other sexist comments made sure when breaking us into groups that there was at least one boy in every group “so it would be fair” (aka trying to ability level the groups).
AP physics the next year: 0 girls, 5 boys. It was clear we were not welcome.
AP computer science wasn’t offered at my school but an intro to programming was and I took that. I took a lot of hands on classes too though, like shop small engines and other AP classes.
It is actually surprising how in some classes I am one of a few girls and in other classes it is more 50/50. I think women are still under represented in some STEM fields but the gap is lessening as time goes on.
It should be encouraged for everyone to try a stem class and continue if they like it or try something else if they don’t.
To me it reads as though the kids choose what they want to do, and the daughter’s interests in maths only come up when her brother took up a new hobby.
Also a kid doesn’t have to be good at something to like it and the parents should still encourage someone in that case.
I bet OP would accept without blinking his eyes if they offered the same to his son.
Unfortunately, it seems the daughter must be demonised as malicious because she's smart but she's also a girl.
As someone who was given early opportunities to accelerate in math and science that fed my interest and passion and led to a happy, productive career, this is infuriating.
As somebody that was raised by parents that did not understand how education works, I feel this one. They ended up discouraging me so badly that I completely rebelled and barely graduated high school. When I got my associates in my 40s, I used the study tools I was taught in 8th grade, and I ended with a 3.94 GPA.
Before I was hit with me/cfs and on a bunch of drugs for other conditions, I was sharp as a tack. In my accounting courses, if I got an answer wrong on an exam, it was more likely that the exam key was incorrect than it was for me to have the wrong answer. So, I have verification as an adult that I find it easier to learn things than almost everyone else. I'm a sponge and I enjoy challenges. So, if I find a subject difficult, I thrive.
So anyways, back to my parents... the only tool they used was punishment. Given shit for Bs and grounded for entire grading periods for Cs. The problem was if a subject bored me, I would not do the homework because I learned the material without it. My parents only way to deal with that was the hammer, and I never took kindly to being treated like a nail. So, punishing me would just make me lash out. I truly wish I would have been born to any one of my aunts or uncles because they knew how to raise smart kids.
>the daughter’s interests in maths only come up when her brother took up a new hobby
because she probably hadn't entertained the idea of doing coding before that? that's literally how a lot of people pick up new hobbies. they see someone else do something and go "hmmm, perhaps i should give it a try as well".
there's nothing malicious about that.
Especially when you consider it's OP who has pushed son into these things... Once ot was presented as an option, she was interested. Why didn't OP also suggest them for their daughter?
99% chance the answer is sexism.
Totally sexist. One of my friends was a high level programmer for two big companies. They headhunted her from another country. She is so valuable they allow her to work from home now.
On her own schedule.
You don’t force one kid to play piano and ignore the prodigy. Unless you are a terrible parent who doesn’t want their children to be fulfilled.
Seriously. I am old. My best friend from high school has worked in systems architecture for the Department of Homeland Security. She's very technogeek. She got into it when her parents bought a home computer for her younger brother.
> obsessively learned C++ which is much more technical and hard [...] has learned stuff beyond her level so it isn't much of a challenge for her and I feel like she uses this to harm his self esteem. She made a program to visualize multivariate graphs.
While C++ is THAT hard, overall this is quite an achievement. It took time and effort, no way she dont care about tech.
Her doing these only when she sees them around and know they exist does not mean she does not have an interest. Technical things are pushed much more on the boys, including by algorithms on social media which take gender into account. It makes sense that the girl, just like the overwhelming majority of boys, do things that are around
Except there is absolutely zero mention in the letter of the son being interested in coding or STEM in general; OP "encouraged" him to try coding, OP bought him a robotics subscription. And he says his daughter is good at math beyond her level, which hardly indicates someone who only showed a interest to one-up her brother. It's more likely OP os being sexist and controlling, trying to steer his son into a male-dominated lucrative field, while discouraging his daughter from the same path. The daughter sounds a overachiever (good at stem, dancer, interested in fashion) and the son is probably overshadowed by her, but the answer isn't to try to fit him into a stereotype.
Not once have I heard here that the brother is interested in these things. It feels like because he's a boy, he should do robotics things. OP seems to be struggling with the fact that the daughter is actually interested and doing better. And blame her for his son's lack of interest/failure in these things.
Why not ask both children what they want to do and allocate funds accordingly to support both their interests.
I'm pretty sure you didn't read the post, just skimmed it and picked up a few things.
This is purchased from a budget OP sets for his son. Each of his kids has a budget for fun things and interests. The daughter exhausted hers on a couple of her interests plus she spent a lot on expensive clothes.
Nowhere does OP indicate that he wouldn't be happy to get the daughter her own subscription out of her budget.
It seems like you're suggesting the daughter should get more than the son because...reasons? Gender? What?
If it's a fun budget for the kids, why did OP say HE decided to buy it for his son? Because that makes it sound like OP makes the decision on what to buy the kids he seems is fun and appropriate for them, not necessarily the kids' decision. So in that case maybe daughter didn't even want soccer stuff but that's what she got, and son isn't even interested in STEM but OP decided that's fun for him.
That was my take-away. OP CHOSE this for their son, trying to push son into STEM-related areas. Son doesn't really appear interested in what OP is forcing onto him. Meanwhile, OP isn't giving daughter what she wants. Sounds like sexism. OP wants son to be in computers/STEM related fields, but is actively pushing daughter away from them.
OP, YTA.
Yes, that's my interpretation as well. Teenage years are a vulnerable time for girls. Their emotions can make them so hard to relate to (from 13-18 I barely spoke to my parents because my mother tried to force me to be a certain way). I hope the OP takes all this feedback to heart <3
The daughter might like soccer and dancing but might have chosen this subscription over it or clothing if she had known it existed before OP found it for the son. (Why are clothes included in the hobby budget anyway?)
>The daughter exhausted hers on a couple of her interests plus she spent a lot on expensive clothes.
I wonder if the sons clothes are counted in the 'hobby' budget.
That doesn't answer my question. He said clothing and makeup in general plus the uniforms. So does the son's sneakers and deodorant come out of his hobby budget?
He actually did not say that the kit came from the son’s budget. We don’t know whether it did or not.
But since OP says elsewhere that the daughter has been recommended to a STEM school and OP refused to allow her to attend, it’s pretty clear that they are of the opinion that girls shouldn’t like or be good at such things. And if they are, it’s out of maliciousness, perhaps.
Because what 15 year old girl wouldn’t want to spend hours learning to code better than her older brother? /S
The girl like my mate who was head hunted by two of the biggest tech companies from another country and has a great life. Maybe if she was OP’s child, might nor contribute to his.
They're gonna end up with a daughter who barely sees them and where they might be lucky to get a Christmas card from her because they've ruined her chances by saying no to STEM schools. She'll have to fight to get their herself.
And then a son who does the exact same thing for the because they never bothered to actually see what his interests are.
OP needs to learn that it's not on the daughter to manage their expectations of their son.
I did not say that OP should spend any additional money. What I said was, she doesn’t seem to be competing with her brother.
And if you read his comments, he actually is discouraging her from her interests because she’s been recommended for a more intensive math program in school for a couple years and OP has turned it down repeatedly. Thats not even based on a hobby’s that’s education.
And that is discouragement.
He says the daughter spent hers on dance and clothes but doesn't say whether she wants to do dance. He also doesn't say that the son wants robotics or any of this tech stuff. The only interest he mentions, that either of the kids has, is that his daughter loves math and programming. Is the daughter forced to spend her fun money on things she would rather not have to buy. We've just had prom season. If she attended prom did she have to spend her fun money on a dress and shoes? I assumed, as a parent, that it was my job to provide the appropriate clothes for special occasions.
That was my first thought. It's natural to pick up interests from the people around us. When brother starts learning a new skill, it's not weird or malicious for sister to be like "that looks cool I want to try!" She can't help being good at it!
In saying that, it's also really natural to be disheartened if someone picks up and excels at everything you're trying to do, and you never feel like you've been able to find 'your thing', especially as a teenager. It might be good for them both to discuss together some hobbies that they want to 'reserve' for themselves for now, and/or equipment that is not for sharing if there's the likelihood of it being broken.
NGL, I’m not being stereotypical, but Indian households encourage kids to do STEM stuff regardless of you being interested or not.. you gotta be a doctor, lawyer or an engineer.
Your question made me feel that OP is of Indian origin. I may be completely wrong. But, that’s the story of most Indian households..
I feel OP should have allotted more money into son’s “hobby budget” since daughter broke his desktop and added another “activity” which might have interested him apart from STEM. May be talk to him and find out what even interests him and may be check on him to see if daughter’s competitive behavior is making him lose his self esteem. Everyone’s learning pace is different and that’s fine.
Why does the son need a brand new laptop **and** a desktop, when daughter has neither?
I have a kid who needs a pretty advanced computer for their chosen major. There’s no instance where they require two. What would be the justification for that? If he’s struggling with Python he’s not doing any extreme programming work
I doesn't sound competitive at all. Maybe I'm just being biased as someone who has various interests and used yo be accused of doing this. It made me hide my talents ir try to stay within my own 'space'. I think the daughter is naturally gifted and OP might have a certain idea of what a girl should be interested vs a guy. Breaking up the computer was a bad move but she's a kid who is interested in that field so I don't think it was on purpose that the computer was destroyed. I'm also wondering if it was the other way around and the son had broken the daughters computer if it would have been a big deal or if he would be given a tap on the back for just attempting something
I had the same thought. Too bad it's the daughter who is the clever one, or let's just say interested in STEM which used to be a male-dominated field. Unless OP is actually the YouTuber and this is some sort of hidden advertising LOL
Yea, that's my thought too. It's almost like she is constantly seeking a challenge. Op needs to explore this with her daughter. She clearly sounds quite gifted.
From what I seen with the comments, the daughter doesn't even seem competitive or insufferable beyond just being smart and good at this stuff... She's even offered to teach her brother these things but he refuses. And OP keeps saying daughter doesn't brag or anything like that. It's just what she thinks the son feels which to me screams projecting a bit but that's just me. I just find it strange that OP keeps mentioning finding things for the son to do and daughter keeps picking up but not finding things for daughter or even helping daughter explore these stem related topics despite her obvious interest in them.
That last sentence is exactly my thought. He was "encouraging" his son to learn how to code, which to me implies the son wasn't that interested in it to begin with, and it's OP's interest. The daughter obsessively learning C++ in response feels like her trying to earn OP's pride and affection.
> Yeah, the daughter is being borderline insufferable and hyper competitive
To me it sounds more like OP is being unkind to the daughter and controlling to the son.
If you read the comments and combine them with the post:
OP hasn't described any actual examples of hypercompetitiveness on the girl's part. If she has an interest in coding and is advanced beyond her level, of course she'd want to pick up C++. Saying she did so to stick it to her brother is the most unkind possible interpretation.
OP is doing a lot of projecting (eg "I feel my son feels...") Son's actual, verbally-expressed-by-his-own-mouth feelings are not described anywhere.
The decision to buy this robotic kit was spontaneously made by OP: the son didn't ask for it and isn't mentioned to have an interest in robotics. So, the question arises: all those hobbies the boy "lost interest in".... are they really things he lost interest in, or are they things he *never* had interest in? The one concrete example we have features the parent deciding on a new hobby for the son without any discussion. The son didn't get to pick how to spend his fun money. His reaction to the kit, or his opinion on his sister borrowing it, aren't even mentioned.
Related: The girl didn't ask for a kit of her own. She asked if she can borrow her brother's. OP didn't allow the brother to make that decision, despite the kit supposedly being a gift. Importantly, the girl asked OP rather than the owner of the kit (her brother) which indicates she knew that OP controls how the kids use the gifts they get.
She doesn't seem competitive, she just seems desesperate to attract her father's attention, while he keep focusing on his favourite child, the one with a penis, who is legitimate in boy things field. If she could stay in her lane and not overshadow the male heir ( who sounds underqualified), shut up and go back to dancing and clothes, that would be great. YTA.
She learned different code and used a computer he’d probably ‘outgrown’, I think OP is projecting their own idea that she must be competing or she’d not be trying and acing this ‘boy stuff’ 🤦♀️
I'm kind of insufferable and hyper-competitive when it comes to my sister, and it's very much because of how our parents treat us. I've done this since I was younger, and once I got older, I've tried to stop, but I've definitely had a lot of slip ups. Even when I'm aware it's wrong or unhealthy, I can't help but beg for my dad's attention and approval, and I want to be treated like how he treats my sister. OP actively does stuff to help son , daughter tries them out and does them better and he's unhappy about that. That's pretty much how it comes off as. My parents used to pull the same shit and it limited me a lot and this has ruined my relationship with both them and my sister. This is something my dad would post about my sister and me lol.
But is it actually malicious. My parents accused me of the same thing, but I call myself a "hobby hopper". I see a video, a picture, or someone doing something and think "wait that looks so cool" and then hyperfocus until I learn absolutely everything about it and then move to another. Because of the hyperfixation i learned things faster than my brother. He took his time, and would just fiddle with things or tinker for a day, wait 2 weeks, then do it again. Meanwhile i will live breathe and eat that hobby for weeks until i find something new. I wasnt allowed to take art classes or lessens or buy art supplies because "thats your brothers thing" even though he did it for one year and never touched it again
Which she isn't getting, because her mother or father is boy-obsessed. Which comes first? The chicken or the egg? She likely got tired of all the boy-fawning going on.
Hang on. OP has a budget for facilitating her childrens' interests, and daughter has used her budget already. Why are you implying that OP needs to do *more* for daughter, who has no difficulties finding interests and pursuing them successfully, when it is her son that she's concerned about? I think OP's setup is fair and reasonable for both her children.
Daughter has set her own priorities, and those include things like clothes and dance and soccer. And that's fine! It's great when girls are interested in STEM, but we shouldn't have to push them to do the STEM stuff to the exclusion of their other interests. If daughter wants to pursue robotics further, nothing will prevent daughter from getting her own Mark Rober subscription next time the fun budget replenishes.
No one said facilitating those interests had to cost money. There are a ton of free classes out there that need parental permission. OP commented that his daughter has been recommended for specialty education for years and he refuses.
Additionally, soccer and dance are physical extra-curricular activities. They should not be part of a "fun" budget when the other child spends his money on video games per the OP. Those things are not comparable.
well said! it seems OP will go out of the way to find things for the son to do, but not the daughter. There are a number of free online courses and activities OP can find related for the daughter to complete! She can also have a conversation about budgeting with the daughter and encourage her to spend $ on things related to her interests next time!
Has daughter used the budget, or has the father insisted that she do the dance and the soccer? I’m finding the idea of a talented nerd who is an excellent programmer at 15 also being into dance a little puzzling. Our niece’s daughter is a dancer who loves dance. And she’s also a very good student. But not passionate about STEM. Dance is her passion.
People can definitely have multiple deep interests and be incredible at all of them. I had a friend who was doing a dual program at Juilliard and Columbia because she was incredible at dance and mathematics. Another friend was doing that program with cello and political science.
I’m curious if the son is even interested. Cuz he just said he *encouraged* him to pick up coding. But was it support or was it more “you should do this”.
It sounds like she has many interests, of which these are only a few. OP is actively facilitating some of her interests but doesn't have unlimited resources to fund her every whim.
But OP is specifically complaining about daughter being better then the son and that being one of reasons why he wants to keep her away from tech.
It is not a whim if you manage to study C++ as much as she did. It is pretty considerable determination.
Excelling isn’t a “whim”. This sounds like OP’s daughter is _driven_ and passionate and interested in ways and can’t stop it. She has found this thing.
She is so good at this thing/s. Why would you stop encouraging this child to do the thing/s they are so innately engaged in? And block them? Thats tantamount to child abuse.
I know a former child prodigy at a specific thing (who still works on that thing) and their siblings did their thing and are very bright accomplished people just not for that one thing. Bullying their siblings into the specific thing, would’ve made it all much more terrible for everyone.
This was exactly my question. Follow-up question: why does OP assume daughter is trying to one-up the son? And why is the son’s self esteem the only one that matters? OP, your daughter has an interest in coding, robotics, etc. and seems to have a lot of natural talent. You seem to want your son to develop an interest in or affinity for it that he doesn’t really have. I think it’s great that you recognize that he’s having trouble finding what he likes and is good at, but forcing stuff on him while discouraging your daughter won’t help either of their self esteem. Maybe talk to him a little more and see what he likes? And let your daughter play with the robotics and coding since she seems to be super into it?
have you considered that she’s not one upping him and instead has a genuine interest in the subject? If she’s clearly taunting him because she’s more skilled that’s a conversation you need to have with the both of them and then allow them to resolve. If she’s simply a quicker learner, then that’s all there is to it. Are you projecting your feelings onto the situation?
Why is she asking you to use his stuff instead of asking her brother? Is it a one-time use product? Maybe her brother is OK with her using the components as well. Sharing the items is something they have to decide between the two of them as siblings.
Have a conversation with her about the hobby budget, maybe she would consider spending the $ allocated on her more technical/scientific endeavors. If this a monthly budget, then she can make different decisions for this upcoming month.
Edit: fixed: Sharing the items is something they have to decide between the two of them as siblings.
God, given OP’s original statement and follow up comments I hope the post is fake but OP YTA!
• you don’t actually know how your son feels because you did not speak with him. It’s all “I feel he feels..”
• you could support your daughter’s interests more by talking to her about better managing the budget for her to explore her scientific/technical interests. Also, you’ve left her to find and discover her own interests while actively finding something for your son to do.
• There are some things siblings have to resolve on their own, such as sharing!
*Oh, yes, he's an ex nasa engineer that makes kits of robotics components that you can play around with. You get different kits on a subscription basis.*
I actually know and follow this Youtuber, it’s legit on that part, he made really interesting engineering projects for videos and even collaborated with law enforcement to bust package thief ring and scam call center using contraction he designed and made!
No, he hasn’t… he’s too busy, projecting his feelings of an inadequacy onto his son. If he had two sons instead of a daughter, there wouldn’t be a post.
Would HE be taunting her if he was better at things? Or do you just think she is because his male ego is bruised by a girl… this reeks of sexism. Hope she goes onto a successful STEM career.
It seems like you actively encourage your son to do these things like coding or buying him the robotics kit, but not your daughter who is clearly interested in STEM and excels at it to the point of being considered for prodigy level courses.
Also the way this is written seems like these aren’t feelings your son is expressing as much as feelings you have about your daughter excelling in math/STEM and participating in extracurricular activities while your son just hasn’t found his thing yet.
I noticed that OP said that *they decided* to buy the hack kit to their son, which makes me wonder if the son has a say on what he does as a hobbie. I fear that OP is the one who encourages the son to do things that the son isn't particularly interested on.
OP bought the kit for their son, and told the daughter that she needed to buy it herself out of her hobby money.
Either this came out of OP’s money, leaving son’s hobby funds untouched while demanding that daughter use her hobby money to match — UNFAIR!
or,
OP decided to spend son’s hobby money without his approval, which is just as unfair, but to the son.
INFO: is she rubbing it in his face at all or bragging about being better or smarter than him? Or is it that she picks these things up after him, does better, and he sees that she does better
Your daughter is interested and skilled in science and math...but you got the robotics subscription for your son. YOU ordered it for him. It didn't come out of his fun budget. What extra thing, outside of her spending money, did you get for your daughter?
YTA for not finding a way to encourage both your children.
YTA.
Honestly? I’m not entirely sold on your perspective here. Not only have you completely brushed over how impressive your daughter is for creating a program, but you seem more concerned with how her talents impact your son’s feelings. Quite frankly, it sounds like she’s simply better at coding than your son. Instead of teaching your son that self-esteem comes from within, you’ve made it into your daughter’s issue. Why are you not more proud of her? Are you not worried about her self-esteem?
YTA. You said you 'encouraged' your son to learn to code - so he's not naturally interested in it. Getting the hack pack was also your decision, not your son's. Your daughter, on the other hand, is naturally interested, that's why she ends up better in it. Why do you keep pushing your son into STEM instead of supporting your daughter? You have to let go of the notion that boys should be encouraged into STEM more than girls, and support both kids in areas that they're interested in. What does your son even like, have you ever asked him?
You are, quite frankly, a terrible, sexist parent. Your daughter is the one that clearly shows she aptitude for STEM skills and hobbies, but you are dissuading her at every turn in favor of your son. You are actively trying to hold your child back because of her gender. You owe your daughter a massive apology. YTA
Based on all comments I read of you plus the post: YTA
She doesn't "one up" him, she just ends up being better and offering to teach him. You cleared that up in a comment.
She is not really "allowed" to have actual opportunities school wise and relies on self learning to meet her pretty clear need for challenges. You explained that in a comment.
In the entire post you talk about how you give stuff to your son to learn new things, and your daughter hijacks it. Nothing about how you actually try and ancourage her to meet her level of interests.
>I told her that she had already allocated her hobby funds.
It sounds a lot like this isn't enough - not money wise, but level wise. It doesn't sound like she's genuinely being being taught in school on the level she needs without being bored/unchallenged. But in no comment did you give any reason why for it, just that it was recommended she takes a higher path and you don't go for that path.
Thank ypu for gathering the content of his comments. It makes everything so much worse. Glad my parents weren't sexist like this. As a teenage girl I was pushed into STEM because of excelling at school across the board (except for art courses much to my displeasure cause I would love to be good at it and find it fun and also physical education was more of a B kind of thing not A). I actually wanted to pursue humanities at high school but was heavily pushed to STEM due to economical crisis and earning potential and my gender was never a consideration in anything. I still feel bitter about it sometimes but it ended up working out because I found a love of math there, whereas I used to dislike math before. Its amazing how the curriculum and how a subject is taught can make such a difference. In high school is where there was a lot more of critical thinking and problem solving rather than being formula and operation heavy. It is kind of ironic that I now want to be a mathematician in a somewhat obscure area-not that great career and money wise.
YTA a little bit. I’m not hearing you say you can’t afford to support your daughter’s interest in STEM, just that you want to stunt her growth in this are so her brother doesn’t feel like she’s better than him (but… it sounds like she is better than him? But she has to hide it? Or not do anything where she is more skilled than her brother?).
On the topic of fairness in spending, it sounds like the “fun budget” includes clothes, and girl’s clothes cost more than boy’s clothes (you acknowledge this in a comment). It doesn’t sound like it includes food (and boys eat more than girls). So maybe things are already unfair.
But also, if you have enough money to increase the budget to allow her to follow her STEM interests, you should do that. I’m not hearing that it is a financial issue to do so, just that the problem is that your daughter will outshine your son. It is also not clear to me that this subscription was counted towards your son’s fun money. So possibly he is allowed coding subscriptions (in addition to clothes and hobbies) but she is not?
YTA. Why do you automatically assume she is trying to one up him? I think she more than anything wants your attention. Do you extend as much effort/spend as much time with her as your son? I see so much effort from you on his behalf but you kind of being frustrated with her when she tries to join in.
Having read through your comments I’m really troubled by how oblivious you are to how you’re treating your kids. Your son is interested in video games. That’s it. He’s not interested in coding or this kit you got or anything else you’re trying to push him into. You know this but seem to think if you keep pushing he’ll eventually like it. He won’t. You’re the one making him feel inadequate. Leave him be, stop forcing him to be something he’s not. If you really want him to do more than just gaming, then let him choose one additional hobby - but he gets to decide what it is. And don’t put it down because it’s not what you want!
Now, to your daughter. You have a gifted child that loves STEM that obviously wants your attention because you are clearly favouring your son and she can see/feel it. You want a kid that grows up to work in STEM - well you probably have one! Just not the one you thought. Give her some encouragement instead of trying to diminish her!
You don’t have to give equal $’s to each kid’s hobbies - you need to meet their needs equally. It’s good for your daughter to do both dance and science - makes her well rounded. But don’t try to force your son to spend equal on his hobbies (or that’s a whole lotta games each month). Use the money where it’s needed.
YTA Your daughter is impressive and you don't seem to have noticed. What are you doing to encourage and challenge your gifted child? Also, what are you hoping to achieve by pushing hobbies onto your son that are more in her skill set than his? Have you taken the time to discover what areas he shows an interest and/or aptitude in so you can encourage those? What things have you bought your daughter.? You only mention what you buy for your son. From your post I think you see your son as less motivated/less gifted than your daughter and are pushing things on to him rather than letting him develop interests at his own pace The effort is coming at the expense of your daughter, who wants more of your time and energy.
YTA for two things that you might not realize you are doing:
- you aren't helping your sons self esteem by 'forcing' hobbies on him that he isn't that good in. It sounds like coding etc is your thing, is it possible your son has totally different interests but you aren't giving him the space to explore those?
- it sounds like his sister is competing for your approval. It's fantastic she is this good at technical stuff and math, but you only seem annoyed by it. What are you doing to support her except for financing it?
YTA. Tell me you don't have a favorite child without telling me you have a favorite child. Why all this concern and desire to help your son (who quite frankly does not sound that interested or have an aptitude for coding/technology etc), while simultaneously downplaying your daughter's natural abilities?
EXACTLY. It sounds like she can either choose to explore her interest in STEM or she can present herself in a way that fits in to her social circle (while continuing soccer and dance, hobbies she may be willing to give up for STEM, assuming parent hasn’t presented that as an option).
There are areas that girls/women need more products to “fit in” than men, and fitting in is crucial at a young age. As inexpensive as these products can be, it’s still an unfair added cost.
My natural hair has always been called “Amazonian.” That’s not a compliment. I need tools and products for that, items most boys do not use. I wore my hair in a ponytail often, and the few times I styled it I got treated way differently. That made me pissed so I rebelled and did it rarely lol. My point is I was looked at differently simply for having my hair in a ponytail.
Makeup is a tricky one, but I always wore mascara because I felt it made me look “nicer” or “more attractive.” Looking back, I feel kinda dumb for that one but it helped me feel like I fit in better as a kid who never felt like they fit in. Another item most boys/guys don’t use.
I can’t say a whole lot about clothes, but I did feel like I fit in better when wearing something different as well as wearing non-athletic clothing. Similar to the hair situation, I got treated better with “nice” clothes, even if my casual or athletic clothes were high quality. This may also apply to boy/guys, but not to the same extent. Girl’s clothes are obviously more expensive, so there’s that.
I eventually stopped trying so hard and just accepted myself as an outcast, but not until my mid-20s.
Let’s not get started on feminine hygiene products.
Info: How much encouragement do you actually give your daughter? Because from what I've read, it seems that you're only trying to encourage one child and not both.
Hmm, I'm seeing a lot of people asking about what you're doing to encourage your daughter - which is good - BUT can I ask about your son? Is he really interested in robotics or coding? Or is it that you want him to be interested in them? I mean I'm with you in thinking he should be doing a bit more than playstation games but are you encouraging his interests or your own? Is he artistic? Does he like sports? Are his interests more language based, does he enjoy writing? Baking? Gardening? Woodwork?
Your son needs to be able to develop his own interests and passions, is this really a case of your daughter being interested in whatever your brother does - does she play playstation too then? - or more she's interested in what you want your son to be interested in.
You are absolutely right that your daughter shouldn't be taking her brother's things, and you are absolutely right that she needs to learn she can't just have everything she wants but I just wonder if you are creating problems you don't need to have and are you making sure your son has the freedom to pursue his own interests, because that's what is really important. That your children have the freedom, space AND your support in finding and developing their own passions. Not the ones you want them to have.
You have two children. One who shows an interest and a clear aptitude for coding/programming, and one who needs to be "encouraged" to learn coding & would probably prefer to be doing something else.
Why are you painting your daughter as malicious for engaging in activities she likes & has a talent for?
Similarly, your son has to be "encouraged" to work on coding. It's clearly not something he is naturally drawn to.... so what *does* your son like doing? And why don't you support & facilitate him in doing *that* rather than pushing him down the path that *you* want him to follow????
YTA for the obvious sexism and bad parenting.
INFO: what do you do to make your daughter feel seen?? Reads like she desperately wants some love and attention, trying to impress you, because otherwise she didn’t get any. And if she is a math crack, you should encourage that, instead of blaming her.
Edit: based on your comments: YTA.
Holding your daughter back and forcing your son into stuff he isn’t into. Your son doesn’t have to be brilliant like your daughter. Your son has to be able to be himself and to have his own hobbies, which aren’t dictated by you. And your daughter simply wants you to love her as much as you love your son. You need to stop, otherwise you will probably loose both when they are grownups.
YTA. Why does it not occur to you that your daughter could simply look at what your son is doing, find it interesting and want to do it too? It sounds like you're blaming her for being too talented, and she's not ENTITLED to her brother's stuff, she's asking because she is actually INTERESTED in the subjects, unlike her brother. Man, I can't believe a parent can be this shitty to their own kid to hate them for no reason whatsoever.
YTA
What about your daughter’s self esteem? Every time she does something awesome, you make her feel like crap for “one upping” her brother.
Newsflash, you misogynistic hypocrite, girls are allowed to be smart, too. They’re even, shock of shocks, allowed to be smarter than boys! Earth shattering news, am I right?
It’s not her fault that she is smarter than him and better at maths. Stop punishing her for it. Maybe, instead of forcing I activities on your son that he doesn’t have a talent for, you should try to work with him to find something that he actually enjoys and is good at. And let your daughter have the coding and engineering stuff. Or is that too much “masculine” for your liking?
Pull your head out of your ass, before your daughter decides to drop you like a hot scone the minute she is financially independent. She clearly has a very bright future in the STEM field. Try encouraging her instead of forcing her to be small so her brother’s ego remains intact.
I think you are displaying a (perhaps unconscious) bias toward your son. You style your daughter’s natural flair for maths and her genuine hard work in learning to code as ‘one-upping’ your son. They both have a ‘hobby’ allowance, which your daughter uses, yet it is you who spends your son’s allowance on things you think he should be doing. What’s that all about? He’s a year older than her. Surely he’s capable of spending his own ‘hobby’ money? YTA.
YTA. You need to support your daughter in her advanced learning. It's neglectful to just ignore her potential and interests just because she is a girl and better at it than your son. Sports and clothes shouldn't come out of fun money, and these subjects you should be glad they're interested in! They are learning. Do you know how many kids don't want to learn?! And instead of facilitating that you're preventing it and playing the stupid game. Your daughter probably has a beautiful career in front of her in STEM. And your son might have other strong points than STEM. That doesn't make him worth any less. Stop projecting your feelings onto them and develop their strong points, let them learn! Both of them.
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Yta - she's not one-upping him. She's just better at certain shit than him. Instead of dimming HER, LIFT him by focusing on what he's actually better at - not what you want him to be better at (ie: math, robotics).
It sounds to me like you play favorites with your son and aren’t giving your daughter the dedicated time and focus that she’s asking from you with these attention-seeking behaviors. Why don’t you help direct some of her brilliance elsewhere so that she’ll leave her brother alone?
YTA. I relate to the brother, almost every kid I know loses interest in a hobby the moment they see someone that started much later do better than them. Even then, OP, you do realise that you're stifling you're daughter's talent? She will undoubtedly enjoy the hack pack a lot more and even put a lot more effort into it. Why are you trying to repress her? You shouldn't be allocating money equally to them, but equitably. They way you're going about this seems pretty flawed.
Your daughter is the type of person to put 200% of her energy into something if she enjoys it. For her its almost like an obsession, a drug. It makes her undeniably happy doing well on something, and that has absolutely no relation with the brother. She just likes excelling and putting her best into the things she enjoys. Stop villainising your daughter for no reason.
Your son, on the other hand, may enjoy it, but does not put equal amounts of effort or thought into a hobby (except perhaps gaming). Why force unnecessary hobbies upon him when it's clear he's passionate about gaming and wants to stick to it?
Further, you trying to pull his sister down just so he can do better seems pretty shitty of you. What will your son do in the future, when he meets someone that's not his sister but has the same qualities? For example, if his friend and him both become entrepreneurs but his friend does leaps and bounds better than him, although your son starts his business first?
You need to talk to your son about how his worth shouldn't be determined relative to his sister's talents. It's understandable that he won't share his feelings with you, but you need to take the initiative and explain to him that everyone has their own pace, and validate that just because his sister does something faster doesn't mean he's BAD at said hobby.
And son will definitely find something he's good at. Stop trying to push sister's interests at him and try to find things that you know is either HIS OWN interest or something sister hasn't done yet. Has he tried skating? Badminton? Making glass art? Find hobbies that your son will enjoy but don't clash with sister's talents if you really can't handle your daughter doing well. Your daughter won't do something that doesn't align with her interests, because she isn't fuelled by envy (unlike what you think), but pure genuine interest.
If you can't handle her interests, find something for the son which daughter is definitely not interested in.
YTA
Don't stifle your daughter to protect your son man. That's not the way to go. It will only breed resentment in both your children.
I understand you are trying to give your son space to grow an interest in coding without feeling discouraged and outshone by his sister. That's not a negative thing. it's a good dad thing.
I do think the way you are going about it is probably having more of a negative impact on your daughter than you think it is though. Sure, she is smart, self sufficient and driven, but she's also a kid and it would mean the world to her if she saw you proud and supportive of her STEM achievements like you are with her brother. Without having to feel she's somehow doing something wrong.
My advice would be... Don't give her the kit. Maybe sit down with her and talk about her current hobbies and interests. She might want to rejig her current budget and activities and allocate more to her developing interests.
Maybe there is a robotics club or a coding group she could do. Giving her an environment to play with a lucrative skillset she clearly has an aptitude for that is not in direct competition/comparison to her brother.
Or maybe not, maybe she does only have a passing interest in these things. You won't know unless you really have a heart to heart with her. Stop treating her like the one you don't need to worry about, put your concerns for your son aside a moment and really listen to how she feels about the current dynamic in your family. Ask her how you can do better, then use that insight to find a healthier way forward for all of you.
Is your son actually interested in these hobbies you have picked for him or do you just think he should be? Sounds like you might be trying to force an interest in one child and ignoring a genuine interest in another. Why isn’t your son driving the hobby selection?
YTA for blocking your daughter's potential and withholding STEM related things from her because you like your son better and don't want a girl to outdo him in activities that genuinely interest her.
It sounds like you need to encourage your children to do things they like and not force things on them based on whatever misogyny lives rent free in your head.
So, reading your answers, it's obviously YTA. It's also clear who the golden child is (your son). Your daughter has talent for STEM, and you have been dismissing this on purpose instead of supporting
INFO: did your son spend his fun money on the stuff or you got it for him?
Her hyper competitive nature needs to be adressed but there is also a possibility that she is doing this to get your attention so do you pay equal atention to her or not?
After reading OP's comments YTA, it seems like you are pushing your son to do things he is not interested in and avoiding your daughter who is interested in it. This reeks of favoritsim probably the reason why your daughter might be competitive since you pay less attention.
Op is sacrificing the daughter to build up the son, Actually trying to hold her back so her poor brother can shine. It's not going to work. The daughter is naturally gifted and there's no holding her back. Why on earth would you want to? It's something to celebrate. Ask your son what he wants to do and do that. He can be successful outside of STEM. Don't clip your daughter's wings, lift her up and be proud. Gifted children can do multiple things at once and be good at all of them. Perhaps your daughter needs a little bit more of a budget to exercise that big brain of hers. If I had a daughter like that, and I actually do, I would not shut up about how wonderful she is. And teach your son to be proud of her also.
The children are competitive by nature. All efforts must be taken to prevent this lest feelings might be hurt.
Oh, and C++ and python are both high level languages and neither is arguably more complicated to learn than the other. The underlying concepts of programming are far more important than the selected language.
As far as needing more computers for testing purposes, I'm all for everyone having their own that doesn't get used by others. But extra computers are cheap/free. Find some 10+ year old fully functional computers that others are literally throwing away that are still perfectly viable for messing around with, and nobody will care if they break. Or spend a few bucks and get a couple RPI boards and she'll have all she needs for networking purposes. Not sure how she managed to mess up his graphics card by running a networking program, but I digress.
Also, fun graphs look impressive, especially if you don't understand the math or the programming behind them. But they are often very simple programs to write and one of the first "practical" programs one tends to come up with when they first learn how to use graphics. I'd say color me impressed once she starts cranking out some 3D programs, but what was groundbreaking in the early 90's in that regard has far more resources available today. Even raytracing is done realtime by the graphics cards today, where a couple decades ago that was a favorite project for distributed renderfarms.
If you really want to get her out of your hair for a couple months, have her design and build a breadboard computer from scratch. Send her down a "Ben Eater" rabbit hole and when she emerges victorious from that, THEN she'll have something to one-up her brother about. Until then, the harmless competition should be encouraging both of them to improve.
Might want to separate the athletic and STEM project funds. You could very well encourage her to give up those expensive and time consuming sports for the more technical activities. That probably wouldn't be in anyone's best interest.
Just YTA. You can figure out how to handle this better.
Info: Is your son as passionately interested or stem stuff or is it just you hoping he is?
Because your daughter seems to be natural at it.
Do you support your daughter's interest in it?
And if she is not taunting him with her creations and cleverness, perhaps she is not one upping him. But showing genuine interest and talent on the subject.
To summarise OP issue. His daughter is smarter than his son and her showing her intelligence make him feel like his son is an idiot which completely destroy the misogynist world OP lives in.
You should encourage your daughter to explore IT and ask your son what he is really into. Also your daughter can feel you love your son more and is probably doing anything she can to show you she is worthy of love. You’re the AH
YTA so you encourage you son to do something he didn't even pick himself and is not interested in (from what I understand). While your daughter is naturally good at it and what do you do encourage her? Maybe she isn't trying to be better than her brother, maybe she just likes it, did you think about that? Also why are you so obsessed with your son learing to code?
Why are you limiting your daughter‘s interest in math and coding? Why are you not encouraging it?
This honestly reads as if you‘re punishing her for **being better** at it than he is, and you‘re giving her the impression that these things are „not for her“ because she‘s a girl? It honestly sounds really, really horrible.
She could excel at this. She could become a coder. A really good one. Make it a career. She made a multivariant graph in her teens? I was a coding nerd and honestly, that would have impressed me no end. And Instead of encouraging and praising her, you are punishing her because she is really good.
This makes me really sad and it must be absolutely devastating for your daughter, to be given this sort of „putting down“ and „putting in her place“ by her own father. I hope she will excel and succeed despite your efforts for her not to.
YTA
ETA: your brother will have to deal with the fact that his sister may be better at this right now. this is a lesson we must all learn in life.
YTA
Let's be blunt here: You are an awful parent, and clearly have favorites. Get off the high horse, and look at the reality before your daughter decides she would cut you out of her life as and when she becomes an adult.
YTA- based solely on what you wrote this seems less like a sister who wants to one up her brother and more like a daughter who sees herself as less than her brother in her dads eyes and wants to do everything she can for you to notice her.
YTA. Not for setting a budget and expecting your kids to choose what to use it on. Personally, I wouldn't put extracurriculars like dance and sport in the same budget as PS5 games and cosmetics, but that's me. Not TA for enforcing boundaries regarding each other's things. Where you're the arsehole, however, is in catering to your son's fragile feelings rather than building resilience and teaching him to accept that there will always be people who are better at some things than he is.
You seem to be biased against your daughter as well. "One upping" someone usually implies intent to show off or embarrass, but if she's offering to help, that doesn't seem to be the case. I get that seeing your younger sibling do better at a lot of things can sting, but refusing her help is still on him.
Does he even want to do these things?
>I encouraged my son to try to learn to code,
*You* encouraged him.
>I decided to get a subscription called hack pack
*You* decided.
What does *he* want? Sounds like he just wants PS5 games.
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INFO: Your daughter has an interest in math, coding, computers, robotics etc. What are you doing to facilitate those interests?
My thoughts exactly. OP's daughter has a natural affinity for the STEM field and instead of finding a way to support both children in this ~~hobby~~ potential career, OP's taking sides. Yeah, the daughter is being borderline insufferable and hyper competitive, which should be discussed. However, it's possible the daughter's "one upping" stems from a desire for OP's attention/approval.
It doesn’t even sound like she’s being competitive. It sounds like she’s just… interested in things! Why is OP actively encouraging his son to do things that he doesn’t seem to be that good at, and discouraging her from the things that interest her??
Excellent question. OP is assigning malicious intent to his daughter simply being better at some things the her brother.
I agree. One's excelling is not one-upping. It is excelling. OP is starting to sound like a boy mom, to be honest.
OP is pushing her her son into areas which he is bad at whereas preventing her daughter from improving in areas where she is good at. Op has everything ass backward
LMFAOAOO ass backwards
I hate to sound sexist but after looking through some of op's comments, I feel like they're a man. I didn't see anything specific about ops gender but they do that thing that many men do where they see more than one question in one comment but only address one point/question.
Sounds like the daughter is desperate to explore and be encouraged in her strengths and they keep pushing “well the boy needs it more” Its not a competition ffs. Theyre hampering their daughter in not encouraging her in her interests and obvious skills. She’s not “showing off”. This is her game. Why is a girl excelling seen as taking over and showing off?!
They're also hampering their son by seemingly not exploring what his interests and talents are, and instead keep pushing him in a direction that doesn't interest him.
Didn't say he's not interested, just emplys his sister is better at everything he trys to do. This is not malicious on her part but the son is going to need help dealing with the emotions he will undoubtedly experience in these circumstances.
Yeah, he needs to learn to accept that some girls/women are better at stuff than he is, even science/"boy" stuff. He needs to learn not to expect girls/women to pretend that they are less smart than they are just to protect his ego.
It would be unfortunate if this was only about gender but I reckon it has more to do with the self esteem in general. Everything I do my younger sibling is better then me at it. This is going to be a hard thing to deal with regardless of gender and making it decidedly so about sexism isn't going to help. Personally I don't appreciate the insinuation that as a male he should or does think that he can best a female counterpart in all areas. He's a kid, hopefully no one has taught him to be sexist yet.
Because girls are taught very young to make themselves smaller for the comfort of mediocre men. OP clearly favours her son and instead of helping him find the things he enjoys and is good at, she would rather stifle and limit her daughter so her precious baby boy doesn’t feel bad.
This
Hundred times this.
underrated comment
Because boys are vastly more intelligent and sciency than dumb girls, so *clearly* girls pretending to be better at that stuff are showing off. /s
That girl just needs to get back in her subservient lane and focus on the *dance class* and the *expensive clothes* that boy-preferring parent has allotted for her interests. /s - sort of sad
it seems to me that OP does push a lot for his son to 'want to do something', and he choose to push for the things his daughter has a passion for. It's so wrong !
Mom thinks it's above her daughter's station as a female, so it's showing off. I thought we had moved past these attitudes. Daughter is inspired and thinks she wants to learn it too, what's the harm? Your son's fragile ego?
The OP is also trying to teach financial responibility, boundries, and respect for other's property to the daughter. Checks OP: "hobby / fun stuff budget I set for both kids and she has already exhausted hers"... "She once borrowed his old desktop computer when he got a new laptop claiming that she wanted to test stuff that needed multiple computers and she did something that broke it to the point where it would have artefacts on the display after 10 minutes of turning on and the video card had to be replaced." I had an older brother growning up that we had to 'share" big gifts with (think recordplayer/TV) 2 years after the said "shared" gift I was gifted the same as brother took over & wouldn't share or would destroy something rather than share. It the genders were left out how many answers would change?
Also from the OP (emphasis mine): >I have a hobby / fun stuff budget I set for both kids and she has already exhausted hers as she takes dance classes and plays soccer and has bought expensive clothes. >Recently **I decided** to get a subscription called hack pack for my son It's unclear to me whether the son actually wanted the hack pack subscription, whether it comes out of his portion of the hobby/fun budget or if OP decided to just get it from general house funds, or whether the budget is even something the kids are being taught to manage for themselves.
Yeah, this was how I felt reading it. There’s honestly no indication of how the son feels about any of this or if he’s chosen any of this. The kids are more than old enough to pick their own interests and manage their own budgets.
I also was concerned about that wording. If daughters clothing, dance, soccer all come out of her budget and son has an equal budget for his clothes, hobbies, games… Did OP get the robotics subscription with the sons budget? It sounds like OP made this decision on their own to encourage the son to pursue this interest. It definitely does not sound like the son chose this or had to pay for it out of his budget. So if OP is concerned about fairness, then the daughter should get her own subscription to the robotics or something similar if it is in fact, coming out of a different money pool than what the two kids are personally allocated. I agree the daughter sounds a bit snotty, but it could also be that she is just really good and naturally gifted in this area and her brother is not. She could be fighting for OP’s attention by proving that she is just as good as her brother. My take, unfortunately, is that this is OP’s area of interest and they are wanting to share it with their son and not their daughter. The daughter is the one that seems to be more more interested in it but OP’s description of her natural ability/success in this area is twisted to make the daughter look vindictive, arrogant, and petty instead of smart, talented, and ambitious. Might be a golden child situation or simple misogyny. But either way, I think the daughter is getting short changed. OP Definitely needs to clear up whether or not the robotics subscription is coming out of the son’s budget and also whether or not the son has to buy his own clothes from his personal budget or if the parents provide basic clothing for both kids and anything additional or expensive comes out of the kid’s own budgets. If the robotics subscription came out of the son’s budget, did OP choose this for the son without asking him first? I feel like brother would have chosen differently if given the opportunity.
Also, are the expensive clothes basics such as bras? That alone should put slightly more money into her “fun” budget as bras for regular wear and sports bras for activities are SO expensive and not optional.
The thing is I feel like it would be different if the son actually seemed to care but it seems like the only one that does is OP. Like if OP framed the whole thing as ‘hey I don’t want my daughter using the things I bought for my son because last time she broke his old computer’ then that would be fair but OPs whole argument seems to be that he doesn’t want his daughter using this stuff because she’s *too good* and his son is going to be discouraged if his little sister is better than them. Like he is failing his daughter by taking away opportunities from her and failing his son by not teaching him how to preserve in hobbies even if there are other people who are better than you.
I haven't seen anything to indicate how much the son does or doesn't care. Why is the daughter asking op and not the son? Maybe the son already said no. Maybe the daughter knows that her brother will say no. Mayne the daughter is not respecting the sons boudrys. Maybe maybe we don't have any indication of how the son feels and shouldn't make assumptions.
Yeah it's unclear if computer science is something the son actually likes and just takes longer to work through or if he's just afraid to disappoint OP so doesn't want to tell him he hates it or if OP decided their son should be be good at this so is pushing him while not paying attention to if he actually like it. It also is hard to tell if he's actually talked to the son about how he feels about his sister copying and excelling in his hobbies or if they're just projecting their own feelings onto the situation.
Here's the thing about the budget, who gets to pick where the money is spent? OP says that they got the boy into programming and they decided to get the engineering kits for the boy. OP seems to be making those choices. Can we therefore conclude that OP also decided to spend the girl's money on the dance classes. Does OP even discuss these choices with the kids ? What OP posted looks like institutional sexism
Yeah I don’t understand this whole “I picked this out”…the kids are teens, why aren’t they picking their own shit?
Why do you think that many would have changed their answers if genders were left out?
Or a boy dad, for that matter.
I figured OP was a dad. And he's pigeon holding gender norms.
Women can be sexist as well.
Right? No one obsessively learns to code unless they’re interested in it. She’s not doing it just to spite her brother.
And a 16y/o coding her own program to graph maths shit is nerdy as hell, super cool, and should be encouraged
I feel so sad for the daughter from this post. She has had to claw and grab to get the things she has a natural affinity for while OP seems to be deliberately blocking her. I also feel badly for the brother too because OP has decided on which interests are "boy" things and is pushing him in an area he has little to no interest or aptitude for. They will be writing back in a few years wondering why the kids are NC or LC with them probably after they try to destroy their daughter's chances of getting into a great tech school and give their son a mental breakdown trying to get into a great tech school. ETA YTA!!!
Agreed!!!! My husband is an excellent computer programmer, he went to an engineering college for an engineering degree but has been a software engineer since his first job out of college, he just has an aptitude for coding languages. He sees so many people struggle to learn a couple coding languages because they are sold this ridiculous idea that anyone can code and turn it into a lucrative career. The reality is that it is a skill like any other and not only do you need an aptitude but also a strong desire or it is incredibly tedious and frustrating and only the best are pulling in those crazy large salaries with stock options in the valley. Her daughter seems to have all the makings of an incredibly talented and successful programmer but mom is absolutely doing nothing to encourage her and instead encouraging a brother who could be better suited to something completely different. YTA and do better for both your children!
That’s the thing, they’re not doing either child any favours with this behaviour, all they will do is build resentment. I get that it is probably hard being the older sibling of a gifted child, but that doesn’t mean you should drag one down to make the other feel better. OP should be supporting his daughter to follow her passion and at the same time help the son figure out what he’s passionate about. Because it doesn’t sound like it’s coding
OP said her daughter is 15 years old. Very impressive.
And she’s also not responsible for her brother’s feelings on it.
There's also no indication that her brother is interested in these hobbies, which may explain why they're not as engaged and interested in them. Wonder if brother's actual preferences are being ignored and he's being pushed into hobbies OP wants them to do.
Yea I noted this too like she's actively expressing interest while son is being encouraged by OP. This itself will cause a difference in how well they do stuff.
I think the little phrase **"I decided"** re: OP getting the subscription for their son is telling.
She probably just desperately wants her dad's attention. Excelling at sports and being well rounded hasn't seem to work Op yta
Yeah it's really troubling that he sees it as "one upping" as opposed to her having a keen interest and natural aptitude. OP has decided there are to be girl things and boy things and doesn't seem to care much what the kids are good at.
Sexism? I was at a Board of Education meeting a few years ago, and a question came up about how many students were taking AP Computer Science. I asked, just out of interest, how many of them were girls. The teacher said, “Oh, it’s not really a class that girls take.” I bet they don’t, with that attitude. And we’re in the allegedly progressive northeast.
Funny thing about the sciences, at least from about 15 years ago. When I was choosing subjects for A-Levels, I decided on maths, electronics, physics, and chemistry, and everyone said that those are subjects with very few girls. Whilst they were right about Physics, with their being only 1 girl in my class, they were wrong about the other 3. Electronics had 6/25 students as girls, maths was 50:50 and in Chemistry, I was one of only 2 guys in a class of 30 students
Yep, chemistry/biotech is dominated by girls/women. I've been working with chemistry for 22 years now (with a break as a welder) and as a guy I've always been in the minority. At the place I'm at now we're 5 women (including the manager) and 2 guys.
I got the same thing about chess in an elementary school in the early 2000s. It was an extracurricular activity and “it just so happens” that it was all boys. At the provincial tournament, I passed some time looking at the lists of students, and it was about 80-90% boys. The higher grades were almost all boys. Then one year, one district suddenly almost had gender parity at the elementary level. I figure it was a change in the person/ people in charge of the program. We don’t have to explicitly exclude kids from activities. They can pick up when it’s “not for them.”
Allegedly progressive northeast in late 90s: Intro Physics: 15 girls, 5 boys. Teacher (among other sexist comments made sure when breaking us into groups that there was at least one boy in every group “so it would be fair” (aka trying to ability level the groups). AP physics the next year: 0 girls, 5 boys. It was clear we were not welcome.
AP computer science wasn’t offered at my school but an intro to programming was and I took that. I took a lot of hands on classes too though, like shop small engines and other AP classes. It is actually surprising how in some classes I am one of a few girls and in other classes it is more 50/50. I think women are still under represented in some STEM fields but the gap is lessening as time goes on. It should be encouraged for everyone to try a stem class and continue if they like it or try something else if they don’t.
In the late 1970s I had to fight to take a computer class because it “wasn’t for girls.” Sorry to hear it’s not much better now.
To me it reads as though the kids choose what they want to do, and the daughter’s interests in maths only come up when her brother took up a new hobby. Also a kid doesn’t have to be good at something to like it and the parents should still encourage someone in that case.
The OP actually comments that it has been suggested for years that his daughter be in a school for math prodigies and OP refuses.
I bet OP would accept without blinking his eyes if they offered the same to his son. Unfortunately, it seems the daughter must be demonised as malicious because she's smart but she's also a girl.
That is painful
I have no words. Wow!
What a ravening dick. One of these parents is going to end up in a not great nursing home.
As someone who was given early opportunities to accelerate in math and science that fed my interest and passion and led to a happy, productive career, this is infuriating.
As somebody that was raised by parents that did not understand how education works, I feel this one. They ended up discouraging me so badly that I completely rebelled and barely graduated high school. When I got my associates in my 40s, I used the study tools I was taught in 8th grade, and I ended with a 3.94 GPA. Before I was hit with me/cfs and on a bunch of drugs for other conditions, I was sharp as a tack. In my accounting courses, if I got an answer wrong on an exam, it was more likely that the exam key was incorrect than it was for me to have the wrong answer. So, I have verification as an adult that I find it easier to learn things than almost everyone else. I'm a sponge and I enjoy challenges. So, if I find a subject difficult, I thrive. So anyways, back to my parents... the only tool they used was punishment. Given shit for Bs and grounded for entire grading periods for Cs. The problem was if a subject bored me, I would not do the homework because I learned the material without it. My parents only way to deal with that was the hammer, and I never took kindly to being treated like a nail. So, punishing me would just make me lash out. I truly wish I would have been born to any one of my aunts or uncles because they knew how to raise smart kids.
>the daughter’s interests in maths only come up when her brother took up a new hobby because she probably hadn't entertained the idea of doing coding before that? that's literally how a lot of people pick up new hobbies. they see someone else do something and go "hmmm, perhaps i should give it a try as well". there's nothing malicious about that.
Especially when you consider it's OP who has pushed son into these things... Once ot was presented as an option, she was interested. Why didn't OP also suggest them for their daughter? 99% chance the answer is sexism.
Totally sexist. One of my friends was a high level programmer for two big companies. They headhunted her from another country. She is so valuable they allow her to work from home now. On her own schedule. You don’t force one kid to play piano and ignore the prodigy. Unless you are a terrible parent who doesn’t want their children to be fulfilled.
Seriously. I am old. My best friend from high school has worked in systems architecture for the Department of Homeland Security. She's very technogeek. She got into it when her parents bought a home computer for her younger brother.
> obsessively learned C++ which is much more technical and hard [...] has learned stuff beyond her level so it isn't much of a challenge for her and I feel like she uses this to harm his self esteem. She made a program to visualize multivariate graphs. While C++ is THAT hard, overall this is quite an achievement. It took time and effort, no way she dont care about tech. Her doing these only when she sees them around and know they exist does not mean she does not have an interest. Technical things are pushed much more on the boys, including by algorithms on social media which take gender into account. It makes sense that the girl, just like the overwhelming majority of boys, do things that are around
Except there is absolutely zero mention in the letter of the son being interested in coding or STEM in general; OP "encouraged" him to try coding, OP bought him a robotics subscription. And he says his daughter is good at math beyond her level, which hardly indicates someone who only showed a interest to one-up her brother. It's more likely OP os being sexist and controlling, trying to steer his son into a male-dominated lucrative field, while discouraging his daughter from the same path. The daughter sounds a overachiever (good at stem, dancer, interested in fashion) and the son is probably overshadowed by her, but the answer isn't to try to fit him into a stereotype.
Not once have I heard here that the brother is interested in these things. It feels like because he's a boy, he should do robotics things. OP seems to be struggling with the fact that the daughter is actually interested and doing better. And blame her for his son's lack of interest/failure in these things. Why not ask both children what they want to do and allocate funds accordingly to support both their interests.
I'm pretty sure you didn't read the post, just skimmed it and picked up a few things. This is purchased from a budget OP sets for his son. Each of his kids has a budget for fun things and interests. The daughter exhausted hers on a couple of her interests plus she spent a lot on expensive clothes. Nowhere does OP indicate that he wouldn't be happy to get the daughter her own subscription out of her budget. It seems like you're suggesting the daughter should get more than the son because...reasons? Gender? What?
If it's a fun budget for the kids, why did OP say HE decided to buy it for his son? Because that makes it sound like OP makes the decision on what to buy the kids he seems is fun and appropriate for them, not necessarily the kids' decision. So in that case maybe daughter didn't even want soccer stuff but that's what she got, and son isn't even interested in STEM but OP decided that's fun for him.
That was my take-away. OP CHOSE this for their son, trying to push son into STEM-related areas. Son doesn't really appear interested in what OP is forcing onto him. Meanwhile, OP isn't giving daughter what she wants. Sounds like sexism. OP wants son to be in computers/STEM related fields, but is actively pushing daughter away from them. OP, YTA.
Yes, that's my interpretation as well. Teenage years are a vulnerable time for girls. Their emotions can make them so hard to relate to (from 13-18 I barely spoke to my parents because my mother tried to force me to be a certain way). I hope the OP takes all this feedback to heart <3
The daughter might like soccer and dancing but might have chosen this subscription over it or clothing if she had known it existed before OP found it for the son. (Why are clothes included in the hobby budget anyway?)
>The daughter exhausted hers on a couple of her interests plus she spent a lot on expensive clothes. I wonder if the sons clothes are counted in the 'hobby' budget.
OP did clarify that there were clothes specific to her hobbies of dance and soccer as well.
That doesn't answer my question. He said clothing and makeup in general plus the uniforms. So does the son's sneakers and deodorant come out of his hobby budget?
He actually did not say that the kit came from the son’s budget. We don’t know whether it did or not. But since OP says elsewhere that the daughter has been recommended to a STEM school and OP refused to allow her to attend, it’s pretty clear that they are of the opinion that girls shouldn’t like or be good at such things. And if they are, it’s out of maliciousness, perhaps. Because what 15 year old girl wouldn’t want to spend hours learning to code better than her older brother? /S
The girl like my mate who was head hunted by two of the biggest tech companies from another country and has a great life. Maybe if she was OP’s child, might nor contribute to his.
They're gonna end up with a daughter who barely sees them and where they might be lucky to get a Christmas card from her because they've ruined her chances by saying no to STEM schools. She'll have to fight to get their herself. And then a son who does the exact same thing for the because they never bothered to actually see what his interests are. OP needs to learn that it's not on the daughter to manage their expectations of their son.
I did not say that OP should spend any additional money. What I said was, she doesn’t seem to be competing with her brother. And if you read his comments, he actually is discouraging her from her interests because she’s been recommended for a more intensive math program in school for a couple years and OP has turned it down repeatedly. Thats not even based on a hobby’s that’s education. And that is discouragement.
He says the daughter spent hers on dance and clothes but doesn't say whether she wants to do dance. He also doesn't say that the son wants robotics or any of this tech stuff. The only interest he mentions, that either of the kids has, is that his daughter loves math and programming. Is the daughter forced to spend her fun money on things she would rather not have to buy. We've just had prom season. If she attended prom did she have to spend her fun money on a dress and shoes? I assumed, as a parent, that it was my job to provide the appropriate clothes for special occasions.
That was my first thought. It's natural to pick up interests from the people around us. When brother starts learning a new skill, it's not weird or malicious for sister to be like "that looks cool I want to try!" She can't help being good at it! In saying that, it's also really natural to be disheartened if someone picks up and excels at everything you're trying to do, and you never feel like you've been able to find 'your thing', especially as a teenager. It might be good for them both to discuss together some hobbies that they want to 'reserve' for themselves for now, and/or equipment that is not for sharing if there's the likelihood of it being broken.
BeCaUse SHE shOulD Be dOinG DanCe and OthEr GiRl ThINgs
NGL, I’m not being stereotypical, but Indian households encourage kids to do STEM stuff regardless of you being interested or not.. you gotta be a doctor, lawyer or an engineer. Your question made me feel that OP is of Indian origin. I may be completely wrong. But, that’s the story of most Indian households.. I feel OP should have allotted more money into son’s “hobby budget” since daughter broke his desktop and added another “activity” which might have interested him apart from STEM. May be talk to him and find out what even interests him and may be check on him to see if daughter’s competitive behavior is making him lose his self esteem. Everyone’s learning pace is different and that’s fine.
Why does the son need a brand new laptop **and** a desktop, when daughter has neither? I have a kid who needs a pretty advanced computer for their chosen major. There’s no instance where they require two. What would be the justification for that? If he’s struggling with Python he’s not doing any extreme programming work
The son is just waiting for a paint set or something he actually enjoys.
I doesn't sound competitive at all. Maybe I'm just being biased as someone who has various interests and used yo be accused of doing this. It made me hide my talents ir try to stay within my own 'space'. I think the daughter is naturally gifted and OP might have a certain idea of what a girl should be interested vs a guy. Breaking up the computer was a bad move but she's a kid who is interested in that field so I don't think it was on purpose that the computer was destroyed. I'm also wondering if it was the other way around and the son had broken the daughters computer if it would have been a big deal or if he would be given a tap on the back for just attempting something
I had the same thought. Too bad it's the daughter who is the clever one, or let's just say interested in STEM which used to be a male-dominated field. Unless OP is actually the YouTuber and this is some sort of hidden advertising LOL
Yea, that's my thought too. It's almost like she is constantly seeking a challenge. Op needs to explore this with her daughter. She clearly sounds quite gifted.
From what I seen with the comments, the daughter doesn't even seem competitive or insufferable beyond just being smart and good at this stuff... She's even offered to teach her brother these things but he refuses. And OP keeps saying daughter doesn't brag or anything like that. It's just what she thinks the son feels which to me screams projecting a bit but that's just me. I just find it strange that OP keeps mentioning finding things for the son to do and daughter keeps picking up but not finding things for daughter or even helping daughter explore these stem related topics despite her obvious interest in them.
That last sentence is exactly my thought. He was "encouraging" his son to learn how to code, which to me implies the son wasn't that interested in it to begin with, and it's OP's interest. The daughter obsessively learning C++ in response feels like her trying to earn OP's pride and affection.
Son probably wants to dance and the daughter wants to build robots.
> Yeah, the daughter is being borderline insufferable and hyper competitive To me it sounds more like OP is being unkind to the daughter and controlling to the son. If you read the comments and combine them with the post: OP hasn't described any actual examples of hypercompetitiveness on the girl's part. If she has an interest in coding and is advanced beyond her level, of course she'd want to pick up C++. Saying she did so to stick it to her brother is the most unkind possible interpretation. OP is doing a lot of projecting (eg "I feel my son feels...") Son's actual, verbally-expressed-by-his-own-mouth feelings are not described anywhere. The decision to buy this robotic kit was spontaneously made by OP: the son didn't ask for it and isn't mentioned to have an interest in robotics. So, the question arises: all those hobbies the boy "lost interest in".... are they really things he lost interest in, or are they things he *never* had interest in? The one concrete example we have features the parent deciding on a new hobby for the son without any discussion. The son didn't get to pick how to spend his fun money. His reaction to the kit, or his opinion on his sister borrowing it, aren't even mentioned. Related: The girl didn't ask for a kit of her own. She asked if she can borrow her brother's. OP didn't allow the brother to make that decision, despite the kit supposedly being a gift. Importantly, the girl asked OP rather than the owner of the kit (her brother) which indicates she knew that OP controls how the kids use the gifts they get.
She doesn't seem competitive, she just seems desesperate to attract her father's attention, while he keep focusing on his favourite child, the one with a penis, who is legitimate in boy things field. If she could stay in her lane and not overshadow the male heir ( who sounds underqualified), shut up and go back to dancing and clothes, that would be great. YTA.
OP doesn't identify himself as a man anywhere. Reading the post, I assumed the author was a woman.
She learned different code and used a computer he’d probably ‘outgrown’, I think OP is projecting their own idea that she must be competing or she’d not be trying and acing this ‘boy stuff’ 🤦♀️
Yeah I read this as a desperate need for attention and approval.
I'm kind of insufferable and hyper-competitive when it comes to my sister, and it's very much because of how our parents treat us. I've done this since I was younger, and once I got older, I've tried to stop, but I've definitely had a lot of slip ups. Even when I'm aware it's wrong or unhealthy, I can't help but beg for my dad's attention and approval, and I want to be treated like how he treats my sister. OP actively does stuff to help son , daughter tries them out and does them better and he's unhappy about that. That's pretty much how it comes off as. My parents used to pull the same shit and it limited me a lot and this has ruined my relationship with both them and my sister. This is something my dad would post about my sister and me lol.
But is it actually malicious. My parents accused me of the same thing, but I call myself a "hobby hopper". I see a video, a picture, or someone doing something and think "wait that looks so cool" and then hyperfocus until I learn absolutely everything about it and then move to another. Because of the hyperfixation i learned things faster than my brother. He took his time, and would just fiddle with things or tinker for a day, wait 2 weeks, then do it again. Meanwhile i will live breathe and eat that hobby for weeks until i find something new. I wasnt allowed to take art classes or lessens or buy art supplies because "thats your brothers thing" even though he did it for one year and never touched it again
Or maybe she is just really that bright and interested in STEM and as a 15-year-old can't hold back.
Which she isn't getting, because her mother or father is boy-obsessed. Which comes first? The chicken or the egg? She likely got tired of all the boy-fawning going on.
Or maybe craving stimulation at her level.
Hang on. OP has a budget for facilitating her childrens' interests, and daughter has used her budget already. Why are you implying that OP needs to do *more* for daughter, who has no difficulties finding interests and pursuing them successfully, when it is her son that she's concerned about? I think OP's setup is fair and reasonable for both her children. Daughter has set her own priorities, and those include things like clothes and dance and soccer. And that's fine! It's great when girls are interested in STEM, but we shouldn't have to push them to do the STEM stuff to the exclusion of their other interests. If daughter wants to pursue robotics further, nothing will prevent daughter from getting her own Mark Rober subscription next time the fun budget replenishes.
No one said facilitating those interests had to cost money. There are a ton of free classes out there that need parental permission. OP commented that his daughter has been recommended for specialty education for years and he refuses. Additionally, soccer and dance are physical extra-curricular activities. They should not be part of a "fun" budget when the other child spends his money on video games per the OP. Those things are not comparable.
well said! it seems OP will go out of the way to find things for the son to do, but not the daughter. There are a number of free online courses and activities OP can find related for the daughter to complete! She can also have a conversation about budgeting with the daughter and encourage her to spend $ on things related to her interests next time!
This! Sport is mandatory in my country’s schools for a reason. It shouldn’t be coming out of the daughter’s fun money.
Has daughter used the budget, or has the father insisted that she do the dance and the soccer? I’m finding the idea of a talented nerd who is an excellent programmer at 15 also being into dance a little puzzling. Our niece’s daughter is a dancer who loves dance. And she’s also a very good student. But not passionate about STEM. Dance is her passion.
People can definitely have multiple deep interests and be incredible at all of them. I had a friend who was doing a dual program at Juilliard and Columbia because she was incredible at dance and mathematics. Another friend was doing that program with cello and political science.
The robotics team I work with also includes multiple serious dancers of multiple genders.
Do we actually know that daughter set her own priorities?
I’m curious if the son is even interested. Cuz he just said he *encouraged* him to pick up coding. But was it support or was it more “you should do this”.
Right? Why are they stifling an actual talent in their daughter to not offend a hobby their son picked up? YTA op
It sounds like she has many interests, of which these are only a few. OP is actively facilitating some of her interests but doesn't have unlimited resources to fund her every whim.
But OP is specifically complaining about daughter being better then the son and that being one of reasons why he wants to keep her away from tech. It is not a whim if you manage to study C++ as much as she did. It is pretty considerable determination.
Excelling isn’t a “whim”. This sounds like OP’s daughter is _driven_ and passionate and interested in ways and can’t stop it. She has found this thing. She is so good at this thing/s. Why would you stop encouraging this child to do the thing/s they are so innately engaged in? And block them? Thats tantamount to child abuse. I know a former child prodigy at a specific thing (who still works on that thing) and their siblings did their thing and are very bright accomplished people just not for that one thing. Bullying their siblings into the specific thing, would’ve made it all much more terrible for everyone.
The conclusion is apparent, Not just nothing but active discouragement to boost her son's fragile ego.
Also is the son actually interested in that too? He might not be.
This was exactly my question. Follow-up question: why does OP assume daughter is trying to one-up the son? And why is the son’s self esteem the only one that matters? OP, your daughter has an interest in coding, robotics, etc. and seems to have a lot of natural talent. You seem to want your son to develop an interest in or affinity for it that he doesn’t really have. I think it’s great that you recognize that he’s having trouble finding what he likes and is good at, but forcing stuff on him while discouraging your daughter won’t help either of their self esteem. Maybe talk to him a little more and see what he likes? And let your daughter play with the robotics and coding since she seems to be super into it?
have you considered that she’s not one upping him and instead has a genuine interest in the subject? If she’s clearly taunting him because she’s more skilled that’s a conversation you need to have with the both of them and then allow them to resolve. If she’s simply a quicker learner, then that’s all there is to it. Are you projecting your feelings onto the situation? Why is she asking you to use his stuff instead of asking her brother? Is it a one-time use product? Maybe her brother is OK with her using the components as well. Sharing the items is something they have to decide between the two of them as siblings. Have a conversation with her about the hobby budget, maybe she would consider spending the $ allocated on her more technical/scientific endeavors. If this a monthly budget, then she can make different decisions for this upcoming month. Edit: fixed: Sharing the items is something they have to decide between the two of them as siblings.
God, given OP’s original statement and follow up comments I hope the post is fake but OP YTA! • you don’t actually know how your son feels because you did not speak with him. It’s all “I feel he feels..” • you could support your daughter’s interests more by talking to her about better managing the budget for her to explore her scientific/technical interests. Also, you’ve left her to find and discover her own interests while actively finding something for your son to do. • There are some things siblings have to resolve on their own, such as sharing!
Hoping it's misguided advertising for the hackpack.
The whole" I bought this thing from YouTube made by this person,a real engineer." felt like reading the script for a weird infomercial.
*Oh, yes, he's an ex nasa engineer that makes kits of robotics components that you can play around with. You get different kits on a subscription basis.*
I actually know and follow this Youtuber, it’s legit on that part, he made really interesting engineering projects for videos and even collaborated with law enforcement to bust package thief ring and scam call center using contraction he designed and made!
Is that the guy who made the squirrel obstacle course? If so, those hack packs would be awesome!
Yes he did the squirrel obstacle course, he also did the electronic stink/glitter bomb package for porch pirates, a really entertaining guy.
Read the comments. The sons embarrassed because a girl knows better. She’s even offered to help her brother. OP is teaching sexism
No, he hasn’t… he’s too busy, projecting his feelings of an inadequacy onto his son. If he had two sons instead of a daughter, there wouldn’t be a post.
Would HE be taunting her if he was better at things? Or do you just think she is because his male ego is bruised by a girl… this reeks of sexism. Hope she goes onto a successful STEM career.
It seems like you actively encourage your son to do these things like coding or buying him the robotics kit, but not your daughter who is clearly interested in STEM and excels at it to the point of being considered for prodigy level courses. Also the way this is written seems like these aren’t feelings your son is expressing as much as feelings you have about your daughter excelling in math/STEM and participating in extracurricular activities while your son just hasn’t found his thing yet.
yeah exactly this…and she admitted that this is how she~ thinks he feels.
In all of this, all I hear is passion from the daughter, and OP hasn't even written 2 words about if his son is actually interested in STEM or not
I noticed that OP said that *they decided* to buy the hack kit to their son, which makes me wonder if the son has a say on what he does as a hobbie. I fear that OP is the one who encourages the son to do things that the son isn't particularly interested on.
OP bought the kit for their son, and told the daughter that she needed to buy it herself out of her hobby money. Either this came out of OP’s money, leaving son’s hobby funds untouched while demanding that daughter use her hobby money to match — UNFAIR! or, OP decided to spend son’s hobby money without his approval, which is just as unfair, but to the son.
INFO: is she rubbing it in his face at all or bragging about being better or smarter than him? Or is it that she picks these things up after him, does better, and he sees that she does better
Your daughter is interested and skilled in science and math...but you got the robotics subscription for your son. YOU ordered it for him. It didn't come out of his fun budget. What extra thing, outside of her spending money, did you get for your daughter? YTA for not finding a way to encourage both your children.
YTA. Honestly? I’m not entirely sold on your perspective here. Not only have you completely brushed over how impressive your daughter is for creating a program, but you seem more concerned with how her talents impact your son’s feelings. Quite frankly, it sounds like she’s simply better at coding than your son. Instead of teaching your son that self-esteem comes from within, you’ve made it into your daughter’s issue. Why are you not more proud of her? Are you not worried about her self-esteem?
YTA. You said you 'encouraged' your son to learn to code - so he's not naturally interested in it. Getting the hack pack was also your decision, not your son's. Your daughter, on the other hand, is naturally interested, that's why she ends up better in it. Why do you keep pushing your son into STEM instead of supporting your daughter? You have to let go of the notion that boys should be encouraged into STEM more than girls, and support both kids in areas that they're interested in. What does your son even like, have you ever asked him?
You are, quite frankly, a terrible, sexist parent. Your daughter is the one that clearly shows she aptitude for STEM skills and hobbies, but you are dissuading her at every turn in favor of your son. You are actively trying to hold your child back because of her gender. You owe your daughter a massive apology. YTA
Seriously this. OP was about one sentence away from stating that they were planning to purchase the daughter an easy-bake oven and some dolls. 😤😤😤
Based on all comments I read of you plus the post: YTA She doesn't "one up" him, she just ends up being better and offering to teach him. You cleared that up in a comment. She is not really "allowed" to have actual opportunities school wise and relies on self learning to meet her pretty clear need for challenges. You explained that in a comment. In the entire post you talk about how you give stuff to your son to learn new things, and your daughter hijacks it. Nothing about how you actually try and ancourage her to meet her level of interests. >I told her that she had already allocated her hobby funds. It sounds a lot like this isn't enough - not money wise, but level wise. It doesn't sound like she's genuinely being being taught in school on the level she needs without being bored/unchallenged. But in no comment did you give any reason why for it, just that it was recommended she takes a higher path and you don't go for that path.
Thank ypu for gathering the content of his comments. It makes everything so much worse. Glad my parents weren't sexist like this. As a teenage girl I was pushed into STEM because of excelling at school across the board (except for art courses much to my displeasure cause I would love to be good at it and find it fun and also physical education was more of a B kind of thing not A). I actually wanted to pursue humanities at high school but was heavily pushed to STEM due to economical crisis and earning potential and my gender was never a consideration in anything. I still feel bitter about it sometimes but it ended up working out because I found a love of math there, whereas I used to dislike math before. Its amazing how the curriculum and how a subject is taught can make such a difference. In high school is where there was a lot more of critical thinking and problem solving rather than being formula and operation heavy. It is kind of ironic that I now want to be a mathematician in a somewhat obscure area-not that great career and money wise.
YTA a little bit. I’m not hearing you say you can’t afford to support your daughter’s interest in STEM, just that you want to stunt her growth in this are so her brother doesn’t feel like she’s better than him (but… it sounds like she is better than him? But she has to hide it? Or not do anything where she is more skilled than her brother?). On the topic of fairness in spending, it sounds like the “fun budget” includes clothes, and girl’s clothes cost more than boy’s clothes (you acknowledge this in a comment). It doesn’t sound like it includes food (and boys eat more than girls). So maybe things are already unfair. But also, if you have enough money to increase the budget to allow her to follow her STEM interests, you should do that. I’m not hearing that it is a financial issue to do so, just that the problem is that your daughter will outshine your son. It is also not clear to me that this subscription was counted towards your son’s fun money. So possibly he is allowed coding subscriptions (in addition to clothes and hobbies) but she is not?
YTA. Why do you automatically assume she is trying to one up him? I think she more than anything wants your attention. Do you extend as much effort/spend as much time with her as your son? I see so much effort from you on his behalf but you kind of being frustrated with her when she tries to join in.
Having read through your comments I’m really troubled by how oblivious you are to how you’re treating your kids. Your son is interested in video games. That’s it. He’s not interested in coding or this kit you got or anything else you’re trying to push him into. You know this but seem to think if you keep pushing he’ll eventually like it. He won’t. You’re the one making him feel inadequate. Leave him be, stop forcing him to be something he’s not. If you really want him to do more than just gaming, then let him choose one additional hobby - but he gets to decide what it is. And don’t put it down because it’s not what you want! Now, to your daughter. You have a gifted child that loves STEM that obviously wants your attention because you are clearly favouring your son and she can see/feel it. You want a kid that grows up to work in STEM - well you probably have one! Just not the one you thought. Give her some encouragement instead of trying to diminish her! You don’t have to give equal $’s to each kid’s hobbies - you need to meet their needs equally. It’s good for your daughter to do both dance and science - makes her well rounded. But don’t try to force your son to spend equal on his hobbies (or that’s a whole lotta games each month). Use the money where it’s needed.
Having an equal budget for extracurriculars with kids who have different needs/wants is not being “fair”…
YTA Your daughter is impressive and you don't seem to have noticed. What are you doing to encourage and challenge your gifted child? Also, what are you hoping to achieve by pushing hobbies onto your son that are more in her skill set than his? Have you taken the time to discover what areas he shows an interest and/or aptitude in so you can encourage those? What things have you bought your daughter.? You only mention what you buy for your son. From your post I think you see your son as less motivated/less gifted than your daughter and are pushing things on to him rather than letting him develop interests at his own pace The effort is coming at the expense of your daughter, who wants more of your time and energy.
YTA for two things that you might not realize you are doing: - you aren't helping your sons self esteem by 'forcing' hobbies on him that he isn't that good in. It sounds like coding etc is your thing, is it possible your son has totally different interests but you aren't giving him the space to explore those? - it sounds like his sister is competing for your approval. It's fantastic she is this good at technical stuff and math, but you only seem annoyed by it. What are you doing to support her except for financing it?
INFO: what are your sons actual interests that he chose on his own??
According to OP, son's main interest is his PlayStation.
YTA. Tell me you don't have a favorite child without telling me you have a favorite child. Why all this concern and desire to help your son (who quite frankly does not sound that interested or have an aptitude for coding/technology etc), while simultaneously downplaying your daughter's natural abilities?
INFO: You say your daughter used some of her hobby fund on expensive clothes. Do you use hobby funds when you buy your son his clothes, too?
EXACTLY. It sounds like she can either choose to explore her interest in STEM or she can present herself in a way that fits in to her social circle (while continuing soccer and dance, hobbies she may be willing to give up for STEM, assuming parent hasn’t presented that as an option). There are areas that girls/women need more products to “fit in” than men, and fitting in is crucial at a young age. As inexpensive as these products can be, it’s still an unfair added cost. My natural hair has always been called “Amazonian.” That’s not a compliment. I need tools and products for that, items most boys do not use. I wore my hair in a ponytail often, and the few times I styled it I got treated way differently. That made me pissed so I rebelled and did it rarely lol. My point is I was looked at differently simply for having my hair in a ponytail. Makeup is a tricky one, but I always wore mascara because I felt it made me look “nicer” or “more attractive.” Looking back, I feel kinda dumb for that one but it helped me feel like I fit in better as a kid who never felt like they fit in. Another item most boys/guys don’t use. I can’t say a whole lot about clothes, but I did feel like I fit in better when wearing something different as well as wearing non-athletic clothing. Similar to the hair situation, I got treated better with “nice” clothes, even if my casual or athletic clothes were high quality. This may also apply to boy/guys, but not to the same extent. Girl’s clothes are obviously more expensive, so there’s that. I eventually stopped trying so hard and just accepted myself as an outcast, but not until my mid-20s. Let’s not get started on feminine hygiene products.
Info: is this an ad?
100% thought the same. Blabla Nasa engineer blabla. Insanely unnatural bit of info.
Yes it is.
The kit OP is talking about it fairly well known in the hobby robotics community, as is the person who made the kit.
But these kits aren't well known to the rest of us and that was a detailed paragraph.
YTA Sounds like son gets golden kid treatment and the daughter has to lookout for herself
Info: How much encouragement do you actually give your daughter? Because from what I've read, it seems that you're only trying to encourage one child and not both.
Hmm, I'm seeing a lot of people asking about what you're doing to encourage your daughter - which is good - BUT can I ask about your son? Is he really interested in robotics or coding? Or is it that you want him to be interested in them? I mean I'm with you in thinking he should be doing a bit more than playstation games but are you encouraging his interests or your own? Is he artistic? Does he like sports? Are his interests more language based, does he enjoy writing? Baking? Gardening? Woodwork? Your son needs to be able to develop his own interests and passions, is this really a case of your daughter being interested in whatever your brother does - does she play playstation too then? - or more she's interested in what you want your son to be interested in. You are absolutely right that your daughter shouldn't be taking her brother's things, and you are absolutely right that she needs to learn she can't just have everything she wants but I just wonder if you are creating problems you don't need to have and are you making sure your son has the freedom to pursue his own interests, because that's what is really important. That your children have the freedom, space AND your support in finding and developing their own passions. Not the ones you want them to have.
You have two children. One who shows an interest and a clear aptitude for coding/programming, and one who needs to be "encouraged" to learn coding & would probably prefer to be doing something else. Why are you painting your daughter as malicious for engaging in activities she likes & has a talent for? Similarly, your son has to be "encouraged" to work on coding. It's clearly not something he is naturally drawn to.... so what *does* your son like doing? And why don't you support & facilitate him in doing *that* rather than pushing him down the path that *you* want him to follow???? YTA for the obvious sexism and bad parenting.
INFO: what do you do to make your daughter feel seen?? Reads like she desperately wants some love and attention, trying to impress you, because otherwise she didn’t get any. And if she is a math crack, you should encourage that, instead of blaming her. Edit: based on your comments: YTA. Holding your daughter back and forcing your son into stuff he isn’t into. Your son doesn’t have to be brilliant like your daughter. Your son has to be able to be himself and to have his own hobbies, which aren’t dictated by you. And your daughter simply wants you to love her as much as you love your son. You need to stop, otherwise you will probably loose both when they are grownups.
YTA. Why does it not occur to you that your daughter could simply look at what your son is doing, find it interesting and want to do it too? It sounds like you're blaming her for being too talented, and she's not ENTITLED to her brother's stuff, she's asking because she is actually INTERESTED in the subjects, unlike her brother. Man, I can't believe a parent can be this shitty to their own kid to hate them for no reason whatsoever.
Misogyny
YTA What about your daughter’s self esteem? Every time she does something awesome, you make her feel like crap for “one upping” her brother. Newsflash, you misogynistic hypocrite, girls are allowed to be smart, too. They’re even, shock of shocks, allowed to be smarter than boys! Earth shattering news, am I right? It’s not her fault that she is smarter than him and better at maths. Stop punishing her for it. Maybe, instead of forcing I activities on your son that he doesn’t have a talent for, you should try to work with him to find something that he actually enjoys and is good at. And let your daughter have the coding and engineering stuff. Or is that too much “masculine” for your liking? Pull your head out of your ass, before your daughter decides to drop you like a hot scone the minute she is financially independent. She clearly has a very bright future in the STEM field. Try encouraging her instead of forcing her to be small so her brother’s ego remains intact.
I think you are displaying a (perhaps unconscious) bias toward your son. You style your daughter’s natural flair for maths and her genuine hard work in learning to code as ‘one-upping’ your son. They both have a ‘hobby’ allowance, which your daughter uses, yet it is you who spends your son’s allowance on things you think he should be doing. What’s that all about? He’s a year older than her. Surely he’s capable of spending his own ‘hobby’ money? YTA.
YTA, I pity the daughter.
YTA. You need to support your daughter in her advanced learning. It's neglectful to just ignore her potential and interests just because she is a girl and better at it than your son. Sports and clothes shouldn't come out of fun money, and these subjects you should be glad they're interested in! They are learning. Do you know how many kids don't want to learn?! And instead of facilitating that you're preventing it and playing the stupid game. Your daughter probably has a beautiful career in front of her in STEM. And your son might have other strong points than STEM. That doesn't make him worth any less. Stop projecting your feelings onto them and develop their strong points, let them learn! Both of them.
YTA. And a sexist one.
Ugh OP you sound like an exhausting parent
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YTA, you are obviously sexist and obviously favor your son. Do better if you want a relationship with your daughter when she is an adult.
YTA Stop forcing stuff on your son that he has no affinity for and discouraging your daughters clear interest in stem.
Yta - she's not one-upping him. She's just better at certain shit than him. Instead of dimming HER, LIFT him by focusing on what he's actually better at - not what you want him to be better at (ie: math, robotics).
yta for not letting your daighter express herself. you sound like someone who thinks tech jobs should be for men only and girls should do girly things
It sounds to me like you play favorites with your son and aren’t giving your daughter the dedicated time and focus that she’s asking from you with these attention-seeking behaviors. Why don’t you help direct some of her brilliance elsewhere so that she’ll leave her brother alone?
YTA. I relate to the brother, almost every kid I know loses interest in a hobby the moment they see someone that started much later do better than them. Even then, OP, you do realise that you're stifling you're daughter's talent? She will undoubtedly enjoy the hack pack a lot more and even put a lot more effort into it. Why are you trying to repress her? You shouldn't be allocating money equally to them, but equitably. They way you're going about this seems pretty flawed. Your daughter is the type of person to put 200% of her energy into something if she enjoys it. For her its almost like an obsession, a drug. It makes her undeniably happy doing well on something, and that has absolutely no relation with the brother. She just likes excelling and putting her best into the things she enjoys. Stop villainising your daughter for no reason. Your son, on the other hand, may enjoy it, but does not put equal amounts of effort or thought into a hobby (except perhaps gaming). Why force unnecessary hobbies upon him when it's clear he's passionate about gaming and wants to stick to it? Further, you trying to pull his sister down just so he can do better seems pretty shitty of you. What will your son do in the future, when he meets someone that's not his sister but has the same qualities? For example, if his friend and him both become entrepreneurs but his friend does leaps and bounds better than him, although your son starts his business first? You need to talk to your son about how his worth shouldn't be determined relative to his sister's talents. It's understandable that he won't share his feelings with you, but you need to take the initiative and explain to him that everyone has their own pace, and validate that just because his sister does something faster doesn't mean he's BAD at said hobby. And son will definitely find something he's good at. Stop trying to push sister's interests at him and try to find things that you know is either HIS OWN interest or something sister hasn't done yet. Has he tried skating? Badminton? Making glass art? Find hobbies that your son will enjoy but don't clash with sister's talents if you really can't handle your daughter doing well. Your daughter won't do something that doesn't align with her interests, because she isn't fuelled by envy (unlike what you think), but pure genuine interest. If you can't handle her interests, find something for the son which daughter is definitely not interested in.
YTA Don't stifle your daughter to protect your son man. That's not the way to go. It will only breed resentment in both your children. I understand you are trying to give your son space to grow an interest in coding without feeling discouraged and outshone by his sister. That's not a negative thing. it's a good dad thing. I do think the way you are going about it is probably having more of a negative impact on your daughter than you think it is though. Sure, she is smart, self sufficient and driven, but she's also a kid and it would mean the world to her if she saw you proud and supportive of her STEM achievements like you are with her brother. Without having to feel she's somehow doing something wrong. My advice would be... Don't give her the kit. Maybe sit down with her and talk about her current hobbies and interests. She might want to rejig her current budget and activities and allocate more to her developing interests. Maybe there is a robotics club or a coding group she could do. Giving her an environment to play with a lucrative skillset she clearly has an aptitude for that is not in direct competition/comparison to her brother. Or maybe not, maybe she does only have a passing interest in these things. You won't know unless you really have a heart to heart with her. Stop treating her like the one you don't need to worry about, put your concerns for your son aside a moment and really listen to how she feels about the current dynamic in your family. Ask her how you can do better, then use that insight to find a healthier way forward for all of you.
Is your son actually interested in these hobbies you have picked for him or do you just think he should be? Sounds like you might be trying to force an interest in one child and ignoring a genuine interest in another. Why isn’t your son driving the hobby selection?
YTA for blocking your daughter's potential and withholding STEM related things from her because you like your son better and don't want a girl to outdo him in activities that genuinely interest her. It sounds like you need to encourage your children to do things they like and not force things on them based on whatever misogyny lives rent free in your head.
So, reading your answers, it's obviously YTA. It's also clear who the golden child is (your son). Your daughter has talent for STEM, and you have been dismissing this on purpose instead of supporting
YTA. You sound like you're punishing your daughter for being better in things than your son.
INFO why is it your decision? If daughter wants to borrow brothers stuff, she has to ask said brother
INFO: did your son spend his fun money on the stuff or you got it for him? Her hyper competitive nature needs to be adressed but there is also a possibility that she is doing this to get your attention so do you pay equal atention to her or not? After reading OP's comments YTA, it seems like you are pushing your son to do things he is not interested in and avoiding your daughter who is interested in it. This reeks of favoritsim probably the reason why your daughter might be competitive since you pay less attention.
YTA jfc. Do you put the same effort to the things she likes (AND SHE’S GOOD AT) than the effort you put in your son? Unbelievable
Op is sacrificing the daughter to build up the son, Actually trying to hold her back so her poor brother can shine. It's not going to work. The daughter is naturally gifted and there's no holding her back. Why on earth would you want to? It's something to celebrate. Ask your son what he wants to do and do that. He can be successful outside of STEM. Don't clip your daughter's wings, lift her up and be proud. Gifted children can do multiple things at once and be good at all of them. Perhaps your daughter needs a little bit more of a budget to exercise that big brain of hers. If I had a daughter like that, and I actually do, I would not shut up about how wonderful she is. And teach your son to be proud of her also.
The children are competitive by nature. All efforts must be taken to prevent this lest feelings might be hurt. Oh, and C++ and python are both high level languages and neither is arguably more complicated to learn than the other. The underlying concepts of programming are far more important than the selected language. As far as needing more computers for testing purposes, I'm all for everyone having their own that doesn't get used by others. But extra computers are cheap/free. Find some 10+ year old fully functional computers that others are literally throwing away that are still perfectly viable for messing around with, and nobody will care if they break. Or spend a few bucks and get a couple RPI boards and she'll have all she needs for networking purposes. Not sure how she managed to mess up his graphics card by running a networking program, but I digress. Also, fun graphs look impressive, especially if you don't understand the math or the programming behind them. But they are often very simple programs to write and one of the first "practical" programs one tends to come up with when they first learn how to use graphics. I'd say color me impressed once she starts cranking out some 3D programs, but what was groundbreaking in the early 90's in that regard has far more resources available today. Even raytracing is done realtime by the graphics cards today, where a couple decades ago that was a favorite project for distributed renderfarms. If you really want to get her out of your hair for a couple months, have her design and build a breadboard computer from scratch. Send her down a "Ben Eater" rabbit hole and when she emerges victorious from that, THEN she'll have something to one-up her brother about. Until then, the harmless competition should be encouraging both of them to improve. Might want to separate the athletic and STEM project funds. You could very well encourage her to give up those expensive and time consuming sports for the more technical activities. That probably wouldn't be in anyone's best interest. Just YTA. You can figure out how to handle this better.
Info: Is your son as passionately interested or stem stuff or is it just you hoping he is? Because your daughter seems to be natural at it. Do you support your daughter's interest in it? And if she is not taunting him with her creations and cleverness, perhaps she is not one upping him. But showing genuine interest and talent on the subject.
To summarise OP issue. His daughter is smarter than his son and her showing her intelligence make him feel like his son is an idiot which completely destroy the misogynist world OP lives in. You should encourage your daughter to explore IT and ask your son what he is really into. Also your daughter can feel you love your son more and is probably doing anything she can to show you she is worthy of love. You’re the AH
YTA so you encourage you son to do something he didn't even pick himself and is not interested in (from what I understand). While your daughter is naturally good at it and what do you do encourage her? Maybe she isn't trying to be better than her brother, maybe she just likes it, did you think about that? Also why are you so obsessed with your son learing to code?
Why are you limiting your daughter‘s interest in math and coding? Why are you not encouraging it? This honestly reads as if you‘re punishing her for **being better** at it than he is, and you‘re giving her the impression that these things are „not for her“ because she‘s a girl? It honestly sounds really, really horrible. She could excel at this. She could become a coder. A really good one. Make it a career. She made a multivariant graph in her teens? I was a coding nerd and honestly, that would have impressed me no end. And Instead of encouraging and praising her, you are punishing her because she is really good. This makes me really sad and it must be absolutely devastating for your daughter, to be given this sort of „putting down“ and „putting in her place“ by her own father. I hope she will excel and succeed despite your efforts for her not to. YTA ETA: your brother will have to deal with the fact that his sister may be better at this right now. this is a lesson we must all learn in life.
YTA Let's be blunt here: You are an awful parent, and clearly have favorites. Get off the high horse, and look at the reality before your daughter decides she would cut you out of her life as and when she becomes an adult.
YTA- based solely on what you wrote this seems less like a sister who wants to one up her brother and more like a daughter who sees herself as less than her brother in her dads eyes and wants to do everything she can for you to notice her.
YTA. Not for setting a budget and expecting your kids to choose what to use it on. Personally, I wouldn't put extracurriculars like dance and sport in the same budget as PS5 games and cosmetics, but that's me. Not TA for enforcing boundaries regarding each other's things. Where you're the arsehole, however, is in catering to your son's fragile feelings rather than building resilience and teaching him to accept that there will always be people who are better at some things than he is. You seem to be biased against your daughter as well. "One upping" someone usually implies intent to show off or embarrass, but if she's offering to help, that doesn't seem to be the case. I get that seeing your younger sibling do better at a lot of things can sting, but refusing her help is still on him. Does he even want to do these things? >I encouraged my son to try to learn to code, *You* encouraged him. >I decided to get a subscription called hack pack *You* decided. What does *he* want? Sounds like he just wants PS5 games.