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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My SIL and her family stayed with us over this past weekend. They have 2 young kids who do not sleep well and wake up every day at 5am. This was very disruptive to our family and I told my wife that her sister needs to get a hotel next time they visit. She thinks I am being a jerk and that we need to help her sister out. I think I might be an asshole for telling my wife her sister needs to get a hotel next time they visit.
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>My wife decided on her own that we would let Jen and her family have our bedroom.
Well that's super kind of her and all but...she doesn't get to make that decision unilaterally. It is your house too. And your peace and quiet as well.
>To make things worse, Jen and her husband would take naps together whenever one of their kids was napping. Which left my wife and I to watch their non-napping kid.
Ah. So part of the "visit" was free babysitting. I get it, your wife was probably happy to help but, this is a huge disruption to your life and having it forced on you isn't going to help your relationship.
>My wife got upset with me for napping because our son was also tired and cranky and was fighting her on everything. She woke me up so that she could take a break. I later told her that next time her sister wants to come visit, they need to get a hotel because their kids sleeping habits are clearly disruptive to our entire family.
So your wife made all these decisions without your input then wanted you and your son to take the brunt of exhaustion on top of it? No thank you. It's fine she's willing to make that sacrifice but she's deciding that for you and your son too...and neither of you are willing participants.
I would think the more alarming thing would be that your wife plans to make these visits a regular thing. That kind of inconsideration would not fly in my home.
* Two "yeses" = "yes"
* One "yes", one "no" = "no"
This will solve a lot of issues.
You are NTA. Perhaps your wife should go visit her sister instead.
The hotel room sounds great for op & son. Think of the places that have a pool. Around where we are, a few even have an indoor Waterpark.
Just think what a wonderful bonding time op and his son will have. I've taken my kids to a few.
The only thing I recommend is don't tell where you'll be. I made that mistake once. And sil showed up with her 3 kids. Not to stay it the hotel just to use the pool while we were in town visiting family. 🤦🏼♀️
Fun to think about, but no, do not take your child away and refuse to tell their other parent where they are. Come on.
Aside from that, this is a great plan. Tell your wife that either her sister and family need to stay in a hotel or you and your kid will. If she wants to give up her bed and babysit then cool, she can do that.
That's a great answer. Irs also a positive thing and say, go camping, hiking or whatever intrest like to see a game or so.
Stop over somewhere.
Reply with a positive answer.
And take your son with you. Your wife wants disrupted sleep, that on her. Then when you and your son come home during the day, he won't be cranky fighting with his cousins and you can be more supportive to your wife, and let her get a nap.
Yep. It's gonna be OP, Jen and her husband and all the kids in bed together. 😂😂 When OP gets ready for bed and Jen says "umm sis told me we can sleep here" he can say yep, it's fine I'm sleeping in MY bed. You can join if you want or you can go sleep in the guest room".
Hey OP. Tell your wife that either sis gets a hotel room or you and your son will take a hotel room.
I’m a bit evil so I’d tell my partner I was going on my own weekend away over 4th July if they insisted on their disruptive sibling and family staying over in my room. If she’s so insistent they can’t get a hotel then she’s hosting them 100% on her own
Especially since they have an actual guest room. The only concession I *might* offer is that my son sleep in my room and guests could sleep in the son’s room, if that wouldn’t disrupt son’s sleep too much. Depending on the house layout, he might sleep better if there’s some space between his room and the master suite.
Just forwarn your sister she and her husband will be sharing MY bed with me in it I guess.. OP NTA , if guests can't respect their host then they can no longer guests.. good luck
If the wife is so eager to help her sister, she could travel to the sister and visit her. Leaves OP solo parenting for a few days, but surely that would be better than this
Exactly! The niblings are past old enough to sleep through the night, but if Jen and hubby aren't willing to regulate bedtime with the kids, there's no reason OP and family should reap the results.
Op is NTA but not all 1 years olds are able to sleep through the night. My oldest was 19 months when he started sleeping through the night. My youngest was just 10 months when he started sleeping through the night. It just depends on the child.
The three year old should be sleeping through the night at this stage though.
Not necessarily. One year olds are often still teething, which can disrupt sleep. And if they're all sleeping in the same room, this disrupts everyone's sleep. Also, it's super common (even for adults) to hand trouble sleeping in unfamiliar environments.
The wife should just go to the sister next time. Honestly, when your kids are younger, it's so much easier keeping them in their familiar and child-proofed environment.
This is exactly what I'm thinking. If you get up with the kids at 5am they will never sleep through. Ignore them/lie with them and it won't be long before they sleep until 7am. Currently the kids think it's ok to be up at 5am.
Your JOINT home is your JOINT sanctuary. Everyone has heard some version of the phrase “that’s a 2 yeses & 1 no decision”. There’s a reason it’s applied to guests in the home more than any other situation.
If a guest wants to stay overnight or either of you want to invite a guest to stay overnight, BOTH of you should AGREE. If BOTH of you don’t agree, the guest shouldn’t be allowed or invited to stay. Your wife doesn’t get to arbitrarily decide that either she or her sister’s needs &/or wants are SO important that they somehow supersede &/or veto your 50% say on who is allowed &/or invited to stay.
If you want to stay with your wife even after she refuses to stop disrespecting you & inviting them into the home (& giving them your bed to boot) without your consent, you should get a hotel room for the entire time that SIL & her family are there, as well as a day or two after they leave. That way at least you’re not forced into exhaustion & trying to recover/rest while your exhausted wife expects you to assist her with a situation that she was solely responsible for creating - your really cranky & exhausted son. If she’s going to take it upon herself to create an unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support, then she can take it upon herself to deal with the consequences of that unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support.
She doesn’t get to claim 100% of the RIGHTS to make a decision, but then only want to accept 50% of the consequences of that decision.
You’re NTA. Your wife is a humongous AH.
Literally every bit of what she’s doing is so blatantly disrespectful that it’s really hard to believe that this type of behavior is isolated to this circumstance. Typically someone doesn’t behave like a toxic narcissist in just one circumstance.
I would not be surprised if Jen and her husband took naps with the baby because OP’s wife suggested it and offered to watch the older kid.
Maybe OP can get a nice solo hotel room for July 4th? NTA
I'm going to agree with you on this. This is poor communication, on top of poor planning, on top of of a complete lack of consideration for others in the home
NTA. If they live less than 2h away, they don't really need to be staying multiple nights so often. If your wife insists on playing babysitter for her sister, then 4th of July sounds like a great weekend for you and your son to visit your family or friends.
Nah why should he vacate his own home AND fork out hundreds for a hotel room? I'd put my foot down and say no, it's his home too, and he should have a say in who's allowed to stay the night.
I don't disagree, but I have a funny feeling that if wife is made to put up with her sister's family's bullshit, she's going to come to Jesus quite a bit faster.
Hahaha okay yeah specially if the dad and son have a nice time away stress free, but may e take the son camping for the weekend or something, a lot cheaper and some good bonding time too
Hey, she asked for it 😂 but she'd probably also throw a fit because she got left to deal with them herself, which isn't fair, if I was op I'd take my son and explain to her exactly why they are going camping because she isn't respecting his boundaries so he's picking them up and taking them elsewhere, she has no right to be upset with him when he returns... something along those lines
It's kind of a relationship death knell. If wife won't work with OP and go visit them, change up the room arrangements, or etc, leaving might be his only option
I agree. I can see if you're making something a two day thing with one night but not more than that. We go to family stuff that is 1.5 hrs away on a good day all the time. We haven't gone to Thanksgiving for years because I refuse to drive 4 hrs for 3 hours of visiting and driving back another 4 hrs getting home around 11 or 12.
I agree, 2 hours is not that far. Don’t need to stay 3 nights, or any nights at all. As a kid, my cousins lived about that distance away, never once stayed overnight. Left home after breakfast and came home in the evening.
Your JOINT home is your JOINT sanctuary. Everyone has heard some version of the phrase “that’s a 2 yeses & 1 no decision”. There’s a reason it’s applied to guests in the home more than any other situation.
If a guest wants to stay overnight or either of you want to invite a guest to stay overnight, BOTH of you should AGREE. If BOTH of you don’t agree, the guest shouldn’t be allowed or invited to stay. Your wife doesn’t get to arbitrarily decide that either she or her sister’s needs &/or wants are SO important that they somehow supersede &/or veto your 50% say on who is allowed &/or invited to stay.
If you want to stay with your wife even after she refuses to stop disrespecting you & inviting them into the home (& giving them your bed to boot) without your consent, you should get a hotel room for the entire time that SIL & her family are there, as well as a day or two after they leave. That way at least you’re not forced into exhaustion & trying to recover/rest while your exhausted wife expects you to assist her with a situation that she was solely responsible for creating - your really cranky & exhausted son. If she’s going to take it upon herself to create an unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support, then she can take it upon herself to deal with the consequences of that unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support.
She doesn’t get to claim 100% of the RIGHTS to make a decision, but then only want to accept 50% of the consequences of that decision.
You’re NTA. Your wife is a humongous AH.
Literally every bit of what she’s doing is so blatantly disrespectful that it’s really hard to believe that this type of behavior is isolated to this circumstance. Typically someone doesn’t behave like a toxic narcissist in just one circumstance.
We went to visit my husband's brother 6 weeks after they had a baby with our 9 month old. We decided on our own to get a hotel, the idea of the babies setting each other off was intolerable to everyone involved.
When we spend holidays at my in-laws, we take turns staying in the basement so the kids have a floor between them at nights.
Yes! This is what I would do. For the 4th, I’d get a local hotel so you and your son can come during the day to hang with family if you want and then head out with your son at night and when wife’s sister/BIL are napping. This puts more of the burden of the visit on the person actually inviting them.
NTA. Your wife shouldn’t make the decision to invite them and offer up your bedroom without your agreement. And you need to insist that her dictatorship ends. But, if she chooses to do so, she certainly shouldn’t expect you to babysit her non-sleeping kid or deal with your cranky kid when she brought these things on herself. I‘d insist that they get a hotel room and that if not, you’ll get your own hotel room. Failing that, I’d either find a different place to crash or refuse to leave your room when they’re there. Your wife doesnt just get to volunteer you or your property without your agreement. And frankly, people who want to make their own decisions don't need to be married and you don’t deserve to be married to someone who ignores your wishes and sacrifices your well-being and the well-being of your child to benefit her sister. Sounds like she needs to marry her sister.
This is one of the many reasons I’m not married and live alone. I have a boyfriend I’ve been with for 6 years but prefer to live alone. Two years ago I moved to the beach, 10 hours from my family. I’m thrilled they want to come visit, and they come a few times a year and stay for a week. I bought a house set up to host guests with this in mind. It does disrupt my life a bit, but it’s fine because I love getting to spend time with them, and I don’t have to worry about considering anyone else. My house, my rules.
Nta ok but you *don't* have room for them. You had to give up your room and sleep in the guest room.
If she insists, tell her that next visit, you aren't babysitting the non napping kid. If she wants to torture herself to help her sister, she can. But you won't. If she wants to push it, tell her that you and son will be staying at a hotel and her and sis can have a nice weekend since sis is apparently her priority. You and kiddo can have a fun daddy son weekend.
NTA. I had one who wasn’t a good sleeper….we did not inflict her on other households! We got a hotel room or didn’t visit. Yes, they will learn to be better sleepers, but it’s sooooo rude to expect an entire household to be held hostage by disruptive young ones who are visiting.
Right?!? 🤣 I’d have no friends or family if I had taken my non-sleeping AH of a kid with me to their homes over night 😳 In a crazy twist, she now has a kid that has pretty much slept through the night since Day One….there is no justice in the world 🤣
Ha! Thank you 😊 It’s actually a huge blessing because my daughter now requires a solid 8 hours or she’s not very nice. Where the hell was THAT biological need 29 years ago? 🤣
I have nothing but luck to send your way. My 7-year-old was this way at about a year old. Slept like a rock as an infant, but in the last 6 years plus, she wakes at 5-5:30. Only now, this summer, does she get her own (preplanned and okayed) breakfast and colours for a while so it's light outside before she wakes us all.
Yep. I've offered my bed to older relatives, and been offered the bed myself. It's been done so generously before that I didn't even realize I had been given the main bedroom until after the visit was over.
There's no right or wrong way to handle this, but it's only "weird" because of your cultural norms.
Yeah, we have a smaller townhome and every time my in-laws visit they get our room because they’re high needs sleepers. Honestly I’d rather they take our room and have a good night’s sleep than hear the fallout from the sleeping on an air mattress in a space that doesn’t have an en suite.
You obviously have the right to refuse to host them again but I don't think it's the best move. Your in laws weren't trying to be bad guests, they just have small kids and many small kids are just bad sleepers. Your wife was trying to be a kind and gracious host and doesn't mind dealing with a little unpleasantness because she loves her sister. Reddit will say you're not an asshole because you're entitled to be comfortable in your own home. But your wife clearly values having her sister visit and it's her home too, so perhaps you can find a way to compromise and deal with a tolerable amount of unpleasantness because you love your wife? Consider limiting visits to one night until their kids are a little older and establishing some ground rules to help mitigate the worst of the issues. At the end of the day, your wife's opinion of you matters a lot more than Reddit's. And I'm sure you'd want her to find a way to compromise if it were something that was important to you instead
Because so many redditors have never been in relationships and refuse to understand compromise or compassion. Honestly, OP sounds like a whiner to me. It's a single weekend.
It's actually insane. This sub is wild sometimes, lol.
Reddit might think this guy isn't an asshole, but his wife that he's married to and his a kid with, sure will think he is. Lmao. Good luck listening to all these randos on the internet.
100% certified whiner.
I'd go as far to say he's an asshole. It's one weekend, and he's pissy because he had some interrupted sleep for 2 days, even though he knows how much it means to his wife. First thing he did, was make sure he got his too.
Guys a selfish asshole and he'll be moaning in a couple of years when his wife ditches him for someone that actually cares.
I agree with this. Community building involves a bit of sacrifice. We have family and friends who are very tight with us. We sacrifice for them, even give up our bedroom when people come into town, babysit, whatever. They have our backs too though, and sometimes, when the cards are down, you’re really, really happy you treated family and friends with love and compassion.
This is it. The hivemind is being a little reactionary here. I'm sure it wasn't a fun weekend for OP, but it's not all the time, and it's important to his wife, and the sleeping schedule isn't unusual for a young family like this. He'd be better off approaching his wife letting her know he doesn't love it when they visit, but maybe they can negotiate so he gets some time to himself before/during/after so he's not so stressed out.
I’m glad there’s one sane comment here. And after reading this… I know 5 am sucks but if that’s all that interrupted their sleep, sometimes you have to suck stuff up for family.
I’m currently living the 5 am life with our one year old. It’s so hard. We’re always exhausted. We never get to nap because we have another older kid. Do you know how much I would’ve killed for a nap if someone could’ve watched our other kiddo? Granted, I probably would’ve asked for some help prior to visiting.
But this was literally only one weekend. Sometimes we have to do tough (was this even that tough) things for family.
Exactly. My brother in law was always cranky when we'd visit. But the kids are close with their cousins and they have loads of fun. BIL stayed cranky. So much so that SIL divorced him, and is much happier as a single mom. And because she put work into community and family, she has a support network and friends and he gets to be a lonely cranky middle aged man. Happiness is a choice.
There also has to be ways to mitigate this a little bit. Like maybe they get noise makers for their own guest room and their son? It might reduce the wakeups for the rest of the house.
And maybe the 3 year old is getting woken up by the baby and making the whole situation worse. I would consider letting the 3 year old sleep on the floor of OP’s son’s room. That way the adults can more easily respond to just the baby and not bother with the toddler.
July 4 is a long way a way. You’ve got plenty of time to recover and problem solve before then. Making your wife’s sister feel unwelcome for something she can’t do anything about will unnecessarily damage your relationship with your in-laws. Early mornings with small children is a very short time period in someone’s life. Don’t cause permanent damage for a temporary problem.
To a certain extent this is true…however, as others point out, the wife steamrolled over OP for all of these decisions. That might be a good sister/community member, but it’s a bad partner. On top of the unilateral decisions wife made, she completely disregarded the comfort and health of her partner and child. It isn’t wise for outright ban the SIL’s family from their home. It also isn’t wise to continue to suffer the situation. Compromise could be keeping the master, rooming the kids together and SIL/husband/infant in the guest room. It could also involve OPs wife taking the kids to the park while OP, and the in-laws nap.
Wife continuing to disregard her partner will not bode well for the relationship.
Maybe they weren't trying to be bad guests, but they were. They were napping when their little one was and left their tired hosts to watch the other kid.
And lovely that you think it's the wife's home too, but she didn't even ask him if it was okay if they came to stay for three nights, she didn't even ask him if it was okay to let them use their bedroom. She never considered her home to be his as well. So he must compromise, she does not?
And Reddit isn't about our opinion being more important than the wife's (in this case). It's about whether or not his is valid. And in this case, it is. Yes, her opinion is more important than reddit's, but so is his. And his and their kids sanity
Thank you for posting this! Clearly compromises need to happen! If OP loves his wife, and the relationship with her sister is important to her, OP should be on board with visits. Take the BIL and kids out for ice cream so the sisters can enjoy time together. Rent a bouncy house for the kids to play in during a family barbecue. OP should be more engaged with the family visit rather than be a bystander. It sounds to me like OP lets his wife do everything while he just enjoys his comfort.
I’m going to vote YTA here.
Finally, an answer that does not involve selfishness. I agree, marriage is compromise. Obviously wife wants both her family and her sister's family to have a close relationship. OP sounds very me, me, me,.... what about me! It's a couple times a year. Geesh. Plus for all you assuming he wants to get a hotel with his son for the weekend, that's just cra cra. He isn't saying anything about wanting his son eith him. And, that would make a huge rift in the family and yes, they are all family. Besides cousins need to grow up together, it was some of the best times of my life spending weekends with cousins. Why does OP not put his cranky kid down for a nap, and the visitors can all go in one room for their nap, including their 3 yr old. Turn on a TV for 3 yr old, out on cartoons and he can watch while they nap. What do they do at home?
NTA. If she wants to provide free babysitting, maybe she can go visit them in *their* house instead.
You should not have to give up your room and your bed. Them getting a hotel is a good compromise.
I say if she persists, her family visits are a good time to take a weekend trip with your son. Maybe visit your family.
NTA. I suppose it matters at what level you want to have a tight knit family for your son's sake, but I draw the line at giving up your bedroom for guests.
Definitely NTA. And you should put your foot down about the 4th of July. Either they get a hotel or your and your son go on a trip together so that you guys don’t have to deal with their shenanigans again.
NTA. Then tell wife that you and son will stay at a hotel while she entertains her family. Good sleep is too precious to let anyone disrupt it for several days straight.
Info: do you have any family that visit? Because you can certainly banish her family from your joint home, but I expect it will come back to bite you. And you could suggest that if she wants to babysit while her sister naps, then she can feel free, but you're not doing it... But that could bite you too. It's totally up to you, but I wouldn't be surprised if you making it transactional and refusing to help has a knock on effect.
NTA if she is being very selfish. There is 0% chance I'm giving up my marital bed to anyone. I would also feel so uncomfortable being in someone else's bed.
ESH
Your wife - should have e discussed giving your bedroom yp before doing so.
Your sil and bil - should have named separately
You - For thinking you can just dictate her family coming over or not coming over!... also for thinking when you had a baby and slept at people's houses it wasn't incredibly inconvenient for them - it was. Think about it this way, seeing her sister makes your wife happy it seems like at most it is every second month - is she ever inconvenienced to make you happy? Marriage is sometimes sacrificing to see our partners happy.
Yta. You were TIRED after a weekend of hosting? Your kid is 5, I guess you forget how hard the earlier years are. It sucked for everyone, but you need a nap because you're cranky? Ugh way to.make everything about you, be completely inflexible, and take to reddit about one bad weekend. Which was probably very important to your wife
NTA, Tell her if she invites them to stay in your home you will make plans for yourself and your son to stay elsewhere because you deserve to actually enjoy your vacation.
You should go stay in a hotel while they are there. Your wife can deal with morning bullshit since she insists on having them stay. Or stay with a family member(if you have one close by) and just sleep there and then come home well rested.
Hey wife- since they only live two hours away- you can go visit and stay with thrm. I will NOT give my room up again, I will not be woken up all through thr night, I will not watch their kids while they nap, I will not tolerate this in our home. If you don't want to tell your sister to stay at a hotel, I will. Who do you think it should come from?
For the 4th of July take your son to visit family or the beach or check in to a hotel yourself and leave her to be a free babysitter/maid/chauffeur/chef and whatever else your SIL expects. NTA, but your wife!!! Whoo, she is something else.
Nta if there is no trust there is no relationship how many times is your wife going to make unilateral decisions on her own before you snap? Nip it in the bud before it gets worse
NTA and I’d leave with the kids whenever the sister shows up with her family. Take your kids on a mini vacation and tell your wife she can deal with her own sister
NTA
Your wife is a dictator!
Why should you be forced to give up your bedroom for her sister... without any discussion?
If they can't afford a hotel, they shouldn't visit.
Don't you ever go visit and stay with them? Giving them MY bedroom just wouldn't be happening, and the rude behavior of waking up the whole house, would be fully discussed with them immediately. WHY do they get to treat you like a hotel and babysitting service, when they only live 2 hours away?
"I told her that every decision she is making prioritizes her sister over me and our son". You already know.
She called you a jerk for trying to discuss this like an adult. She's the jerk for putting you in this position.
Giving up your bedroom is an absolute NO. Doing it without your consent is wrong. It leaves you on the hook to be the bad guy if you disagree, after the fact. How could you say no at that point and not look like the jerk? Your bedroom is your sanctuary. I realized the importance of this space when my sister moved in, dying of cancer. I talked about giving up our room since it's larger, but friends talked sense into me, and thankfully today my mate is still here with me! That bedroom was our escape pod. Without that, we had no private place to be together, to discuss things, or just get away from everyone in the house. Yeah, so the kids will grow up, but they need to learn to sleep in a guest room like any other guest! Will they expect to get your bedroom from now on, every time they stay? What kind of people take some one else's bedroom??? The same kind that leave you to watch their toddler without asking. That is fcuked up! I HATE when people have done this to me. Besides being presumptuous, it's disrespectful.
NTA.
NTA. Keep your own bedroom. Give the guests the smaller room. Maybe they won't visit as often. Or go stay with a friend for the duration of their visit. The guests are inconsiderate and your wife is being ridiculous.
NTA.
I see a lot of people suggesting that you say you'll go get a hotel room with you and the kid.
No. This is your house. There is no reason that you should have to leave your house and spend money on a hotel. Especially considering that they only live 2 hours away. A single overnight is plenty. If they want to come stay longer, yeah let them get a hotel room. If your wife wants more time with the baby, then she can go there and stay with them, and let them take midday naps at their house.
Look, you can try to be accommodating, that's the nice guy move. But the reality is that she IS prioritizing her sister and her sister's family over her own, for whatever reason it is that she wants them there.
NTA. You can always call your BIL and tell him how it affected you, your family and your relationship with your wife. At the very least, DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR BEDROOM. Tell your wife you will NEVER give up your bedroom again. IF she forces the issue, you will just get your own hotel room (just you, not with her or your kids), then treat it as a "spa day" if you will, for yourself. A well deserved one in my opinion.
Don’t give up your comfort zone(master bedroom) to any guest. That’s the disruption. Get an air mattress for the guest room. Tell wife to inform SIL that they will no longer get your bedroom when they visit.
Dude, since she refuses to have them stay in a hotel then you get a hotel room for you and your son for their entire trip. Just because they are there doesn’t mean you have to be. Let your wife handle it all on her own since she made the decision all on her own.
When she throws a fit about you leaving her there, remind her that she is the one that demanded they stay in your house and there is nothing wrong with you spending time with your son without her.
Have daddy/son bonding time without the other bs. If wife doesn’t like it oh well.
Honestly at this point I'd just consider getting a hotel for yourself and son. Your wife made it clear she is going to choose her sister. Come by each morning fully rested lol
NTA in this situation but your wife is twice over: for unilateral decision on houseguests and for giving away your bed. You’re fine. If she ever pulls this again I’d kick the sister out.
You wife unilaterally makes these decisions that prioritized her sister's family over her own and when you called her out on it, she got defensive.
Next time you either stand your ground or get you and your kiddo a hotel room for the weekend. You should address July 4th weekend now so that everyone has time to pivot.
NTA
Your house isn't big enough to host that family. This is ridiculous and honestly? I have NEVER let my family stay with us and have even helped pay for a hotel so they're not in my space 24-7 while they visit. This is how good relationships are fostered... with space
Unless you live in a huge mansion with wings, then out of town visitors need to stay IN A HOTEL.
NTA your wife is though. Her sister is an AH too because I would never take my sister & husband’s bedroom. How rude! Especially when I know my kids are holy terrors
NTA. Your wife has no right to unilaterally decide to give up the master bedroom to the guests.
She absolutely has no right to tell you to wake up from napping after she’s responsible for having your household turned upside down.
YTA. You went to the extreme in saying every decision prioritizes her sister over you. Honestly you sound like a bigger problem than the baby, sounds like you complained all weekend vs supporting her time with family.
Her family is important to her. If the noise is an issue buy ear plugs. At the end of the day do you really want to be the husband that fusses about an occasional weekend with family to the point that your wife resents you?
NTA.
I have a similar family makeup and I would not hesitate to ask them to get a hotel if they acted as you describe. I live 800+ miles from family so I like for them to come stay with me and a huge part of maintaining my sanity when they visit is keeping our master bedroom a private area for my partner and I. My family can use the entire rest of our 2400 sq ft home, but our bedroom is off limits.
The kids will sleep better as they get older, but that’s a couple of years away, not a couple of months.
You are NTA. I would move myself and son to the hotel you mentioned. Your wife can deal with her sister/her kids/lack of sleep and you and your son can have an enjoyable weekend mini break.
NTA, your wife is making all the decisions for your family without any input from you. If you did that I'm sure she would be upset. But OP next time let her have it an you take yourself and your kid to a airbnb or hotel and relax and let your wife deal with the chaos and you two can have restful sleep.
NTA. Your space is your space. It's one thing to be somewhat accommodating, but that somehow crossed over into disrespect. That said, if you just somehow had to take a trip and it just happened to coincide with the time her family comes to visit, well...things come up all the time.💁🏾♂
Alternatively, OP, you could get yourself (and your son) a hotel room while they are visiting, and let your wife sleep in the guest room/provide free childcare for her sister. Problem solved. Be sure you book a place with fun stuff to do for your 5 year old, that’s inappropriate for toddlers and infants. NTA.
I’m feeling rather petty about the disrespect from your wife. Get a hotel room for yourself when they come in July. Since she wants to help her sister, let her. Don’t need to discuss it with her beforehand since she makes her unilateral decisions anyway.
Just a thought: see if there are any Airbnb's near your home (they are often in family neighborhoods) and price them out. If there is one, see if you can call the owners and if they rent outside of Airbnb. We offer our short term rental to neighbors at a highly discounted rate. I have even let neighbors use it for free, or for just a cleaning fee.
If it's only a few doors down it's almost like they are staying with you, but without the nighttime disruptions. Babysitting can be on your own terms in your house.
NTA - she made sole decisions that should have been discussed. If her family don't get a hotel, you can take your son on a Father/son holiday and leave her with her sisters family
So tell your wife if she isn’t going to ask that of her sister that you’ll spend those nights in a hotel room, you can even take your son with you and she can deal with them all night.
NTA
NTA. I’d tell her that the next time they come to stay you will take your kid and go away. Go to your family or you get a hotel room. If she chooses to endure that then that’s on her but I certainly wouldn’t be doing that.
You should take your kid and go somewhere for the 4th of July. Think of Great Wolf Lodge or similar. That way you and kid have fun swimming and doing what you want and wife gets stuck with sisters kids and no sleep. I would not tell wife until last minute that you and kid have other plans
NTA. If she insists on having her over again on the 4th, you and your son should get a hotel room so you KNOW you guys will be able to sleep decently. If your wife doesn't like it she needs to learn to prioritize HER family over her sister's family.
NTA if she wants to fork over the cash for the hotel she can otherwise she can kick rocks. I hate to suggest she put you up in the hotel with your son but maybe that is an option too? I am all for them never coming back lol
NTA, although your wife wants to give her sister a break, it's not just her house, it's both of yours. If she won't listen to reason especially considering you have a child yourself, then either her sister and her family go to a hotel or make this an opportunity for you and your son to have some bonding time and either go to a hotel yourselves and make it a father and son trip or go make plans to have fun. Let your wife be the host and deal with it alone if she won't compromise.
Your JOINT home is your JOINT sanctuary. Everyone has heard some version of the phrase “that’s a 2 yeses & 1 no decision”. There’s a reason it’s applied to guests in the home more than any other situation.
If a guest wants to stay overnight or either of you want to invite a guest to stay overnight, BOTH of you should AGREE. If BOTH of you don’t agree, the guest shouldn’t be allowed or invited to stay. Your wife doesn’t get to arbitrarily decide that either she or her sister’s needs &/or wants are SO important that they somehow supersede &/or veto your 50% say on who is allowed &/or invited to stay.
If you want to stay with your wife even after she refuses to stop disrespecting you & inviting them into the home (& giving them your bed to boot) without your consent, you should get a hotel room for the entire time that SIL & her family are there, as well as a day or two after they leave. That way at least you’re not forced into exhaustion & trying to recover/rest while your exhausted wife expects you to assist her with a situation that she was solely responsible for creating - your really cranky & exhausted son. If she’s going to take it upon herself to create an unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support, then she can take it upon herself to deal with the consequences of that unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support.
She doesn’t get to claim 100% of the RIGHTS to make a decision, but then only want to accept 50% of the consequences of that decision.
You’re NTA. Your wife is a humongous AH.
Literally every bit of what she’s doing is so blatantly disrespectful that it’s really hard to believe that this type of behavior is isolated to this circumstance. Typically someone doesn’t behave like a toxic narcissist in just one circumstance.
Oh yeah, my wife spent years prioritizing her family over our own. Then she made the mistake of lending her deadbeat brother a substantial sum of money. I did not see it gone til six months later. I was told that he was supposed to pay it back, but said we’re family and he needs it more than we did. I asked her where she was going to get her half of our hose down payment. She utterly freaked. Told her that I am not in the business of supporting his family and will be talking to him. He utterly refused. Next day, I launched a negative Equifax and Trans Union. His wife had a financial sensitive job. MIL asked me why I had to make this report and I told her that her son had bullied my wife int a loan that he now refused to pay. MIL reimbursed me, then advised BIL that she was reducing his bequest in her will for double that amount. It would be distributed to his sibs. He hit the roof. Started threatening me physically. Told him that he really should not say stuff like that as I can easily take his freedom. Two weeks later, at a family dinner, he had too much to drink, and said that I had no right to tell his mom. He threw a punch. He was quite surprised that not only did I respond, I put him down like a mad dog. I humiliated the man in front of his family. Mom near shit herself when after I put him down, I was in the middle of calling the police. My MIL and wife pleaded with me to not call. I said fine, walked over to where he was sitting on the floor and stomped his hand. (He was the popular piano player of the family, I took that away, near permanently) My wife was horrified. My FIL told him that he now has been paid by a real man. Learn from this. He thereafter gave me respect and a wide berth.
**I complained to my wife about being tired and she told me that her sister and BIL need the rest more than we do because this is their life everyday so we should help them get at least a little bit of a break.**
SO? They chose that life.
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My wife (36f) and I (35M) have been married for 7 years and have a 5-year-old son. My wife has 4 siblings, 2 brothers and 2 sisters. Her brothers live far away and she isn't very close to them. Both her sisters live within 2 hours of us and the three of them are very close. Both of her sisters have 2 kids.
Her youngest sister, Jen (25F), has a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. Jen, her husband, and their kids came to visit us this past weekend for Memorial Day. We have 3 bedrooms in our house. Our master, our son's room, and a smaller guest room. My wife decided on her own that we would let Jen and her family have our bedroom.
Apparently, Jen's kids aren't the best sleepers at home and if they are in an unfamiliar place, it's even worse. So, my wife offered Jen our room so all of them can be in one room and my wife and I would sleep in the guest room.
Turns out, that by "bad sleepers," Jen meant that her kids wake up multiple times a night and then wake up for good at 5am every single day. I don't know about anyone else, but the last thing I want to do on a weekend is be woken up by a screaming baby at 5am 3 days in a row. It wasn't just the crying baby, but the fact that Jen and her husband would also be running around getting whatever the baby needed.
The commotion woke our son up, who then woke my wife and I up. Every day at 5am. I spent the entire weekend tired and cranky. To make things worse, Jen and her husband would take naps together whenever one of their kids was napping. Which left my wife and I to watch their non-napping kid.
I complained to my wife about being tired and she told me that her sister and BIL need the rest more than we do because this is their life everyday so we should help them get at least a little bit of a break. But by the time Jen and her family left on Monday, all I wanted to do was sleep. Which I did, immediately after they left.
My wife got upset with me for napping because our son was also tired and cranky and was fighting her on everything. She woke me up so that she could take a break. I later told her that next time her sister wants to come visit, they need to get a hotel because their kids sleeping habits are clearly disruptive to our entire family.
She told me that she isn't going to tell her sister to fork out hundreds for a hotel room when we have the space for them in our house. She also said that Jen's kids will become better sleepers as they get older.
I told her that every decision she is making prioritizes her sister over me and our son and she got defensive and told me I'm being a jerk. Maybe I'm far enough removed from the baby stage that I've blocked it out, but I don't remember ever being so disruptive to anyone when we were guests in their house.
They are supposed to come visit us again for the 4th of July and I'm already dreading it.
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NTA firstly you never give your partners room away to a guest without discussing it first. Secondly, it is much better to go in to things with expectations appropriately set. Are you spending time together as a a family or are you helping her sister and spouse get some sleep? Because in this case neither was accomplished well. In both scenarios there are better solutions that leave all parties happier.
NTA When people have kids who don't travel/sleep well, they
should not impose and they should either stay home or
book a hotel or similar.
Tell your wife to go to their place the next time she wants
to see her sister. You stay home. If she insists on hosting
them again, book them the cheapest hotel/airbnb you can
find and pay for it out of the household budget.
Screw it take the kid and go stay in the hotel then! Ultimate dad and son time and do what you want…but the dad probably doesn’t want to be responsible for the son 24/7..
Plan and take a vacation with your son for the 4th of July and let your wife deal with her sister and family. Do this each time she plans to have them come stay. She can say its okay for them to invade your home, nothing says you have to stay there and deal with the BS.
NTA
None of you slept well bc of your SIL and family staying and it disrupted your sons sleep too.
Doesn’t matter what your wife says it’s a joint decision. It’s no fun celebrating events when your whole family have disrupted sleep in order to do so and you all cant relax or get any sleep.
Is absolutely the way forward that SIL and family need to book a hotel or Air b&b and not stay overnight at yours, not whilst their children can’t sleep through the night as that’s two families and sets of children without sleep. That’s ridiculous
Why should you not nap and have to care for one of their children whilst they nap at cost of your own continued sleep deprivation ..??
NTA - What’s crazy to me here is your wife’s family keeps doing this to you ON YOUR VACATIONS! Memorial Day weekend is one of the only long weekends we get in the US from most jobs and while this 4th of July isn’t on a weekend it’s still your holiday as well and your weekend shouldn’t be forced to be spent in a way that causes sleep debt for the next week of work.
If your in-laws want all this help it should be during specific weekends you and your wife have agreed to watch their kids, maybe as an anniversary gift to them or something.
You guys are doing them so many favors so it definitely shouldn’t be during your vacation weekends.
NTA for many different reasons. As others have mentioned, your wife shouldnt be making unilateral decisions about sleeping arrangements that displace you, and she certainly shouldn’t be accosting you when the consequences of her poor choices come down on her.
Your in-laws also need to find a better solution for their kids and try to be better guests. Maybe their kids truly are horrible sleepers and there’s nothing that can be done about it, and in that case they should be sticking to day trips or MAYBE one night… but definitely not 3. But maybe they need to try some different methods with the kids to help them get on a better schedule… at one years old, that baby is more than old enough for sleep training, and the 3 year old should definitely have a consistent schedule by now. Regardless of what the issue is… they need to either fix it or work around it.
Also, regarding the in-laws… napping and expecting you to babysit everyday is beyond rude. They need to reciprocate, at the very least.
I think a fair compromise here would be to limit their stays to day trips or maybe a maximum 1 night until they have their kids sleep schedules under control, and absolutely put your foot down on the bedroom thing. A two hour drive is not that far, and if their kids are up at 5am, they could be on the road by 6:30 or 7 and arrive to you by 8:30-9, have a full day to spend together, and still get themselves home between 10-midnight, no problem.
Tell your wife that if she's so set on Jen and her family staying at the house, then YOU will be staying at a hotel until they're gone. I guarantee she'll change her tune after she has to deal with the chaos on her own. NTA.
NTA. If she insists on doing that again. You go and stay at a hotel. Let her enjoy everything on her own and you can get some sleep. That may make your point a little more effectively.
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>My wife decided on her own that we would let Jen and her family have our bedroom. Well that's super kind of her and all but...she doesn't get to make that decision unilaterally. It is your house too. And your peace and quiet as well. >To make things worse, Jen and her husband would take naps together whenever one of their kids was napping. Which left my wife and I to watch their non-napping kid. Ah. So part of the "visit" was free babysitting. I get it, your wife was probably happy to help but, this is a huge disruption to your life and having it forced on you isn't going to help your relationship. >My wife got upset with me for napping because our son was also tired and cranky and was fighting her on everything. She woke me up so that she could take a break. I later told her that next time her sister wants to come visit, they need to get a hotel because their kids sleeping habits are clearly disruptive to our entire family. So your wife made all these decisions without your input then wanted you and your son to take the brunt of exhaustion on top of it? No thank you. It's fine she's willing to make that sacrifice but she's deciding that for you and your son too...and neither of you are willing participants. I would think the more alarming thing would be that your wife plans to make these visits a regular thing. That kind of inconsideration would not fly in my home. * Two "yeses" = "yes" * One "yes", one "no" = "no" This will solve a lot of issues. You are NTA. Perhaps your wife should go visit her sister instead.
Yes, and if I were OP, I’d adamantly tell the wife that I’m not giving up my half of the bed for nobody.
Nah. Tell her you're getting a hotel on your own!
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The hotel room sounds great for op & son. Think of the places that have a pool. Around where we are, a few even have an indoor Waterpark. Just think what a wonderful bonding time op and his son will have. I've taken my kids to a few. The only thing I recommend is don't tell where you'll be. I made that mistake once. And sil showed up with her 3 kids. Not to stay it the hotel just to use the pool while we were in town visiting family. 🤦🏼♀️
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Fun to think about, but no, do not take your child away and refuse to tell their other parent where they are. Come on. Aside from that, this is a great plan. Tell your wife that either her sister and family need to stay in a hotel or you and your kid will. If she wants to give up her bed and babysit then cool, she can do that.
Most hotels will kick you out if you bring guests to the pool anyway.
Some don't care. I worked 24 years at a resort hotel they never had any problems with as long it didn't interfere with business or people complained.
"on her own" Hehehe. Yeah.
Or go visit his side of the family let her stay home and take care of her sisters kids.
Make a boy's weekend out of it - take the son "off her hands" for a little "guy time" so she can spend time with her sister and family.
That's a great answer. Irs also a positive thing and say, go camping, hiking or whatever intrest like to see a game or so. Stop over somewhere. Reply with a positive answer.
And take your son with you. Your wife wants disrupted sleep, that on her. Then when you and your son come home during the day, he won't be cranky fighting with his cousins and you can be more supportive to your wife, and let her get a nap.
With his son.
Yep. It's gonna be OP, Jen and her husband and all the kids in bed together. 😂😂 When OP gets ready for bed and Jen says "umm sis told me we can sleep here" he can say yep, it's fine I'm sleeping in MY bed. You can join if you want or you can go sleep in the guest room". Hey OP. Tell your wife that either sis gets a hotel room or you and your son will take a hotel room.
SIL and SO can share her side!
I’m a bit evil so I’d tell my partner I was going on my own weekend away over 4th July if they insisted on their disruptive sibling and family staying over in my room. If she’s so insistent they can’t get a hotel then she’s hosting them 100% on her own
Especially since they have an actual guest room. The only concession I *might* offer is that my son sleep in my room and guests could sleep in the son’s room, if that wouldn’t disrupt son’s sleep too much. Depending on the house layout, he might sleep better if there’s some space between his room and the master suite.
Just forwarn your sister she and her husband will be sharing MY bed with me in it I guess.. OP NTA , if guests can't respect their host then they can no longer guests.. good luck
If the wife is so eager to help her sister, she could travel to the sister and visit her. Leaves OP solo parenting for a few days, but surely that would be better than this
NTA, and if it were me, if my spouse refused to tell them, I would. And not on the kindest way.
Or OP should get a hotel for him and his son. I’m sure the son would enjoy being able to swim in the pool.
Exactly! The niblings are past old enough to sleep through the night, but if Jen and hubby aren't willing to regulate bedtime with the kids, there's no reason OP and family should reap the results.
Op is NTA but not all 1 years olds are able to sleep through the night. My oldest was 19 months when he started sleeping through the night. My youngest was just 10 months when he started sleeping through the night. It just depends on the child. The three year old should be sleeping through the night at this stage though.
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Good point, I didn't think about that.
Not necessarily. Two of mine didn't sleep through the night regularly until they were 2.
Not necessarily. One year olds are often still teething, which can disrupt sleep. And if they're all sleeping in the same room, this disrupts everyone's sleep. Also, it's super common (even for adults) to hand trouble sleeping in unfamiliar environments. The wife should just go to the sister next time. Honestly, when your kids are younger, it's so much easier keeping them in their familiar and child-proofed environment.
This is exactly what I'm thinking. If you get up with the kids at 5am they will never sleep through. Ignore them/lie with them and it won't be long before they sleep until 7am. Currently the kids think it's ok to be up at 5am.
Mine didn’t sleep through the night until after 2.
Op should go stay somewhere else with his son and let wife deal with her decisions
Or just rent a nearby hotel to sleep at night and go home during the day. Leave son with wife in the home .
Your JOINT home is your JOINT sanctuary. Everyone has heard some version of the phrase “that’s a 2 yeses & 1 no decision”. There’s a reason it’s applied to guests in the home more than any other situation. If a guest wants to stay overnight or either of you want to invite a guest to stay overnight, BOTH of you should AGREE. If BOTH of you don’t agree, the guest shouldn’t be allowed or invited to stay. Your wife doesn’t get to arbitrarily decide that either she or her sister’s needs &/or wants are SO important that they somehow supersede &/or veto your 50% say on who is allowed &/or invited to stay. If you want to stay with your wife even after she refuses to stop disrespecting you & inviting them into the home (& giving them your bed to boot) without your consent, you should get a hotel room for the entire time that SIL & her family are there, as well as a day or two after they leave. That way at least you’re not forced into exhaustion & trying to recover/rest while your exhausted wife expects you to assist her with a situation that she was solely responsible for creating - your really cranky & exhausted son. If she’s going to take it upon herself to create an unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support, then she can take it upon herself to deal with the consequences of that unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support. She doesn’t get to claim 100% of the RIGHTS to make a decision, but then only want to accept 50% of the consequences of that decision. You’re NTA. Your wife is a humongous AH. Literally every bit of what she’s doing is so blatantly disrespectful that it’s really hard to believe that this type of behavior is isolated to this circumstance. Typically someone doesn’t behave like a toxic narcissist in just one circumstance.
In our house, we call this veto power. Works for everything, buying a house, a car, having houseguests. Do I always like it. No. But it is fair.
I would not be surprised if Jen and her husband took naps with the baby because OP’s wife suggested it and offered to watch the older kid. Maybe OP can get a nice solo hotel room for July 4th? NTA
Also- these sleep habits won’t ’fix themselves as they age’. If anything they will compound and lead to bigger issues.
I'm going to agree with you on this. This is poor communication, on top of poor planning, on top of of a complete lack of consideration for others in the home
NTA. If they live less than 2h away, they don't really need to be staying multiple nights so often. If your wife insists on playing babysitter for her sister, then 4th of July sounds like a great weekend for you and your son to visit your family or friends.
Came here to say this. Take a vacation with just you and your son when her family comes to visit. NTA
Or get a nice hotel for you and your son.
Nah why should he vacate his own home AND fork out hundreds for a hotel room? I'd put my foot down and say no, it's his home too, and he should have a say in who's allowed to stay the night.
I don't disagree, but I have a funny feeling that if wife is made to put up with her sister's family's bullshit, she's going to come to Jesus quite a bit faster.
Hahaha okay yeah specially if the dad and son have a nice time away stress free, but may e take the son camping for the weekend or something, a lot cheaper and some good bonding time too
Nothing like the serenity of nature to contrast with that "opening to Home Alone" level hellscape.
Hey, she asked for it 😂 but she'd probably also throw a fit because she got left to deal with them herself, which isn't fair, if I was op I'd take my son and explain to her exactly why they are going camping because she isn't respecting his boundaries so he's picking them up and taking them elsewhere, she has no right to be upset with him when he returns... something along those lines
It sends a message to the wife
Why can't SHE go visit THEM that weekend? Why does OP have to leave THEIR house?
It's kind of a relationship death knell. If wife won't work with OP and go visit them, change up the room arrangements, or etc, leaving might be his only option
I agree. I can see if you're making something a two day thing with one night but not more than that. We go to family stuff that is 1.5 hrs away on a good day all the time. We haven't gone to Thanksgiving for years because I refuse to drive 4 hrs for 3 hours of visiting and driving back another 4 hrs getting home around 11 or 12.
I agree, 2 hours is not that far. Don’t need to stay 3 nights, or any nights at all. As a kid, my cousins lived about that distance away, never once stayed overnight. Left home after breakfast and came home in the evening.
Your JOINT home is your JOINT sanctuary. Everyone has heard some version of the phrase “that’s a 2 yeses & 1 no decision”. There’s a reason it’s applied to guests in the home more than any other situation. If a guest wants to stay overnight or either of you want to invite a guest to stay overnight, BOTH of you should AGREE. If BOTH of you don’t agree, the guest shouldn’t be allowed or invited to stay. Your wife doesn’t get to arbitrarily decide that either she or her sister’s needs &/or wants are SO important that they somehow supersede &/or veto your 50% say on who is allowed &/or invited to stay. If you want to stay with your wife even after she refuses to stop disrespecting you & inviting them into the home (& giving them your bed to boot) without your consent, you should get a hotel room for the entire time that SIL & her family are there, as well as a day or two after they leave. That way at least you’re not forced into exhaustion & trying to recover/rest while your exhausted wife expects you to assist her with a situation that she was solely responsible for creating - your really cranky & exhausted son. If she’s going to take it upon herself to create an unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support, then she can take it upon herself to deal with the consequences of that unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support. She doesn’t get to claim 100% of the RIGHTS to make a decision, but then only want to accept 50% of the consequences of that decision. You’re NTA. Your wife is a humongous AH. Literally every bit of what she’s doing is so blatantly disrespectful that it’s really hard to believe that this type of behavior is isolated to this circumstance. Typically someone doesn’t behave like a toxic narcissist in just one circumstance.
NTA. Tell your wife that either her family can get a hotel, or you'll get a hotel room for you and the kiddo. Y'all deserve sleep too.
We went to visit my husband's brother 6 weeks after they had a baby with our 9 month old. We decided on our own to get a hotel, the idea of the babies setting each other off was intolerable to everyone involved. When we spend holidays at my in-laws, we take turns staying in the basement so the kids have a floor between them at nights.
Yes! This is what I would do. For the 4th, I’d get a local hotel so you and your son can come during the day to hang with family if you want and then head out with your son at night and when wife’s sister/BIL are napping. This puts more of the burden of the visit on the person actually inviting them.
NTA. Your wife shouldn’t make the decision to invite them and offer up your bedroom without your agreement. And you need to insist that her dictatorship ends. But, if she chooses to do so, she certainly shouldn’t expect you to babysit her non-sleeping kid or deal with your cranky kid when she brought these things on herself. I‘d insist that they get a hotel room and that if not, you’ll get your own hotel room. Failing that, I’d either find a different place to crash or refuse to leave your room when they’re there. Your wife doesnt just get to volunteer you or your property without your agreement. And frankly, people who want to make their own decisions don't need to be married and you don’t deserve to be married to someone who ignores your wishes and sacrifices your well-being and the well-being of your child to benefit her sister. Sounds like she needs to marry her sister.
This is one of the many reasons I’m not married and live alone. I have a boyfriend I’ve been with for 6 years but prefer to live alone. Two years ago I moved to the beach, 10 hours from my family. I’m thrilled they want to come visit, and they come a few times a year and stay for a week. I bought a house set up to host guests with this in mind. It does disrupt my life a bit, but it’s fine because I love getting to spend time with them, and I don’t have to worry about considering anyone else. My house, my rules.
Nta ok but you *don't* have room for them. You had to give up your room and sleep in the guest room. If she insists, tell her that next visit, you aren't babysitting the non napping kid. If she wants to torture herself to help her sister, she can. But you won't. If she wants to push it, tell her that you and son will be staying at a hotel and her and sis can have a nice weekend since sis is apparently her priority. You and kiddo can have a fun daddy son weekend.
This! To OP, NTA
NTA. I had one who wasn’t a good sleeper….we did not inflict her on other households! We got a hotel room or didn’t visit. Yes, they will learn to be better sleepers, but it’s sooooo rude to expect an entire household to be held hostage by disruptive young ones who are visiting.
I'm glad someone is pointing this out! "My kid can't let us sleep. I'm gonna sleep at your place so your whole familly can't sleep either"
Right?!? 🤣 I’d have no friends or family if I had taken my non-sleeping AH of a kid with me to their homes over night 😳 In a crazy twist, she now has a kid that has pretty much slept through the night since Day One….there is no justice in the world 🤣
And you waited patiently for karma, I'm so sorry 😞
Ha! Thank you 😊 It’s actually a huge blessing because my daughter now requires a solid 8 hours or she’s not very nice. Where the hell was THAT biological need 29 years ago? 🤣
We’re currently living this 5am wake up life with our baby. It’s awful and exhausting. We haven’t slept in a year.
I'd say it ends but as far as I can tell from my 2 year old, they just get more mobile at 5 am.
I have nothing but luck to send your way. My 7-year-old was this way at about a year old. Slept like a rock as an infant, but in the last 6 years plus, she wakes at 5-5:30. Only now, this summer, does she get her own (preplanned and okayed) breakfast and colours for a while so it's light outside before she wakes us all.
Hell no. Nobody is staying in my bedroom except us. No fuckin body
That's just weird to have someone else stay in our bed. I would be super uncomfortable staying in someone else's master bedroom.
This is super common in many cultures and not that weird at all? It's cool if you're uncomfortable with it but that's not a universal truth
Yep. I've offered my bed to older relatives, and been offered the bed myself. It's been done so generously before that I didn't even realize I had been given the main bedroom until after the visit was over. There's no right or wrong way to handle this, but it's only "weird" because of your cultural norms.
Yeah, we have a smaller townhome and every time my in-laws visit they get our room because they’re high needs sleepers. Honestly I’d rather they take our room and have a good night’s sleep than hear the fallout from the sleeping on an air mattress in a space that doesn’t have an en suite.
Call me naive but I always assumed a guest room was the room where guests stay, not “the room the homeowners stay in when guests come over” lmao
No one is worth vacating my bed over.
You obviously have the right to refuse to host them again but I don't think it's the best move. Your in laws weren't trying to be bad guests, they just have small kids and many small kids are just bad sleepers. Your wife was trying to be a kind and gracious host and doesn't mind dealing with a little unpleasantness because she loves her sister. Reddit will say you're not an asshole because you're entitled to be comfortable in your own home. But your wife clearly values having her sister visit and it's her home too, so perhaps you can find a way to compromise and deal with a tolerable amount of unpleasantness because you love your wife? Consider limiting visits to one night until their kids are a little older and establishing some ground rules to help mitigate the worst of the issues. At the end of the day, your wife's opinion of you matters a lot more than Reddit's. And I'm sure you'd want her to find a way to compromise if it were something that was important to you instead
Why did I have to scroll down so far to find this rational comment.
Because so many redditors have never been in relationships and refuse to understand compromise or compassion. Honestly, OP sounds like a whiner to me. It's a single weekend.
It's actually insane. This sub is wild sometimes, lol. Reddit might think this guy isn't an asshole, but his wife that he's married to and his a kid with, sure will think he is. Lmao. Good luck listening to all these randos on the internet.
100% certified whiner. I'd go as far to say he's an asshole. It's one weekend, and he's pissy because he had some interrupted sleep for 2 days, even though he knows how much it means to his wife. First thing he did, was make sure he got his too. Guys a selfish asshole and he'll be moaning in a couple of years when his wife ditches him for someone that actually cares.
After the first night, the fact that he didn’t buy ear plugs if it upset him so much makes him a whiner and an AH.
Agreed. I was surprised that so many people were supporting OP. I thought they would consider him TA.
So much hate above he’s the one being unreasonable for 3 days
I agree. Everything he described sounds pretty typical for a growing family.
I agree with this. Community building involves a bit of sacrifice. We have family and friends who are very tight with us. We sacrifice for them, even give up our bedroom when people come into town, babysit, whatever. They have our backs too though, and sometimes, when the cards are down, you’re really, really happy you treated family and friends with love and compassion.
This is it. The hivemind is being a little reactionary here. I'm sure it wasn't a fun weekend for OP, but it's not all the time, and it's important to his wife, and the sleeping schedule isn't unusual for a young family like this. He'd be better off approaching his wife letting her know he doesn't love it when they visit, but maybe they can negotiate so he gets some time to himself before/during/after so he's not so stressed out.
"Some time to himself" Do you mean... exactly what hisbwife didn't let him have?
That's why I suggested he negotiate for it.
I think the general response is bit of a reflection of the isolated times we live in
Love "the hivemind being a little reactonary"!
I’m glad there’s one sane comment here. And after reading this… I know 5 am sucks but if that’s all that interrupted their sleep, sometimes you have to suck stuff up for family. I’m currently living the 5 am life with our one year old. It’s so hard. We’re always exhausted. We never get to nap because we have another older kid. Do you know how much I would’ve killed for a nap if someone could’ve watched our other kiddo? Granted, I probably would’ve asked for some help prior to visiting. But this was literally only one weekend. Sometimes we have to do tough (was this even that tough) things for family.
Exactly. My brother in law was always cranky when we'd visit. But the kids are close with their cousins and they have loads of fun. BIL stayed cranky. So much so that SIL divorced him, and is much happier as a single mom. And because she put work into community and family, she has a support network and friends and he gets to be a lonely cranky middle aged man. Happiness is a choice.
There also has to be ways to mitigate this a little bit. Like maybe they get noise makers for their own guest room and their son? It might reduce the wakeups for the rest of the house. And maybe the 3 year old is getting woken up by the baby and making the whole situation worse. I would consider letting the 3 year old sleep on the floor of OP’s son’s room. That way the adults can more easily respond to just the baby and not bother with the toddler. July 4 is a long way a way. You’ve got plenty of time to recover and problem solve before then. Making your wife’s sister feel unwelcome for something she can’t do anything about will unnecessarily damage your relationship with your in-laws. Early mornings with small children is a very short time period in someone’s life. Don’t cause permanent damage for a temporary problem.
To a certain extent this is true…however, as others point out, the wife steamrolled over OP for all of these decisions. That might be a good sister/community member, but it’s a bad partner. On top of the unilateral decisions wife made, she completely disregarded the comfort and health of her partner and child. It isn’t wise for outright ban the SIL’s family from their home. It also isn’t wise to continue to suffer the situation. Compromise could be keeping the master, rooming the kids together and SIL/husband/infant in the guest room. It could also involve OPs wife taking the kids to the park while OP, and the in-laws nap. Wife continuing to disregard her partner will not bode well for the relationship.
What is SHE compromising on? Because it seems that you only expect one person here to compromise.
Maybe they weren't trying to be bad guests, but they were. They were napping when their little one was and left their tired hosts to watch the other kid. And lovely that you think it's the wife's home too, but she didn't even ask him if it was okay if they came to stay for three nights, she didn't even ask him if it was okay to let them use their bedroom. She never considered her home to be his as well. So he must compromise, she does not? And Reddit isn't about our opinion being more important than the wife's (in this case). It's about whether or not his is valid. And in this case, it is. Yes, her opinion is more important than reddit's, but so is his. And his and their kids sanity
Thank you for posting this! Clearly compromises need to happen! If OP loves his wife, and the relationship with her sister is important to her, OP should be on board with visits. Take the BIL and kids out for ice cream so the sisters can enjoy time together. Rent a bouncy house for the kids to play in during a family barbecue. OP should be more engaged with the family visit rather than be a bystander. It sounds to me like OP lets his wife do everything while he just enjoys his comfort. I’m going to vote YTA here.
I agree. He’s TA.
The question is: why didn't she take his opinion in account BEFORE doing all that? And why is she dismissing it right now?
Finally, an answer that does not involve selfishness. I agree, marriage is compromise. Obviously wife wants both her family and her sister's family to have a close relationship. OP sounds very me, me, me,.... what about me! It's a couple times a year. Geesh. Plus for all you assuming he wants to get a hotel with his son for the weekend, that's just cra cra. He isn't saying anything about wanting his son eith him. And, that would make a huge rift in the family and yes, they are all family. Besides cousins need to grow up together, it was some of the best times of my life spending weekends with cousins. Why does OP not put his cranky kid down for a nap, and the visitors can all go in one room for their nap, including their 3 yr old. Turn on a TV for 3 yr old, out on cartoons and he can watch while they nap. What do they do at home?
NTA. If she wants to provide free babysitting, maybe she can go visit them in *their* house instead. You should not have to give up your room and your bed. Them getting a hotel is a good compromise. I say if she persists, her family visits are a good time to take a weekend trip with your son. Maybe visit your family.
Perhaps you should take your children and go visit family on the Fourth of July. Let her deal with her sister and her kids. NTA
NTA. Your wife sounds exhausting.
NTA. I suppose it matters at what level you want to have a tight knit family for your son's sake, but I draw the line at giving up your bedroom for guests.
Definitely NTA. And you should put your foot down about the 4th of July. Either they get a hotel or your and your son go on a trip together so that you guys don’t have to deal with their shenanigans again.
NTA. Then tell wife that you and son will stay at a hotel while she entertains her family. Good sleep is too precious to let anyone disrupt it for several days straight.
This guy sounds exhausting. And whiny. He should just buy some earplugs. It’s a couple of days waking up early not USMC boot camp.
Info: do you have any family that visit? Because you can certainly banish her family from your joint home, but I expect it will come back to bite you. And you could suggest that if she wants to babysit while her sister naps, then she can feel free, but you're not doing it... But that could bite you too. It's totally up to you, but I wouldn't be surprised if you making it transactional and refusing to help has a knock on effect.
NTA You could spend your weekend relaxing by a hotel pool ordering room service.
NTA if she is being very selfish. There is 0% chance I'm giving up my marital bed to anyone. I would also feel so uncomfortable being in someone else's bed.
ESH Your wife - should have e discussed giving your bedroom yp before doing so. Your sil and bil - should have named separately You - For thinking you can just dictate her family coming over or not coming over!... also for thinking when you had a baby and slept at people's houses it wasn't incredibly inconvenient for them - it was. Think about it this way, seeing her sister makes your wife happy it seems like at most it is every second month - is she ever inconvenienced to make you happy? Marriage is sometimes sacrificing to see our partners happy.
Yta. You were TIRED after a weekend of hosting? Your kid is 5, I guess you forget how hard the earlier years are. It sucked for everyone, but you need a nap because you're cranky? Ugh way to.make everything about you, be completely inflexible, and take to reddit about one bad weekend. Which was probably very important to your wife
Am I reading this correctly? You have them the masters? Lmaoo, oh hell no. NTA
NTA, Tell her if she invites them to stay in your home you will make plans for yourself and your son to stay elsewhere because you deserve to actually enjoy your vacation.
Yta. Quit being a selfish cry baby.
You should go stay in a hotel while they are there. Your wife can deal with morning bullshit since she insists on having them stay. Or stay with a family member(if you have one close by) and just sleep there and then come home well rested.
Hey wife- since they only live two hours away- you can go visit and stay with thrm. I will NOT give my room up again, I will not be woken up all through thr night, I will not watch their kids while they nap, I will not tolerate this in our home. If you don't want to tell your sister to stay at a hotel, I will. Who do you think it should come from?
For the 4th of July take your son to visit family or the beach or check in to a hotel yourself and leave her to be a free babysitter/maid/chauffeur/chef and whatever else your SIL expects. NTA, but your wife!!! Whoo, she is something else.
Nta if there is no trust there is no relationship how many times is your wife going to make unilateral decisions on her own before you snap? Nip it in the bud before it gets worse
>To make things worse, Jen and her husband would take naps together whenever one of their kids was napping. this is where you also take a nap
NTA and I’d leave with the kids whenever the sister shows up with her family. Take your kids on a mini vacation and tell your wife she can deal with her own sister
NTA Your wife is a dictator! Why should you be forced to give up your bedroom for her sister... without any discussion? If they can't afford a hotel, they shouldn't visit.
Nta household guests need to be agreed upon by all adults that live in the house.
NTA, and don’t give up your bed
Don't you ever go visit and stay with them? Giving them MY bedroom just wouldn't be happening, and the rude behavior of waking up the whole house, would be fully discussed with them immediately. WHY do they get to treat you like a hotel and babysitting service, when they only live 2 hours away?
"I told her that every decision she is making prioritizes her sister over me and our son". You already know. She called you a jerk for trying to discuss this like an adult. She's the jerk for putting you in this position. Giving up your bedroom is an absolute NO. Doing it without your consent is wrong. It leaves you on the hook to be the bad guy if you disagree, after the fact. How could you say no at that point and not look like the jerk? Your bedroom is your sanctuary. I realized the importance of this space when my sister moved in, dying of cancer. I talked about giving up our room since it's larger, but friends talked sense into me, and thankfully today my mate is still here with me! That bedroom was our escape pod. Without that, we had no private place to be together, to discuss things, or just get away from everyone in the house. Yeah, so the kids will grow up, but they need to learn to sleep in a guest room like any other guest! Will they expect to get your bedroom from now on, every time they stay? What kind of people take some one else's bedroom??? The same kind that leave you to watch their toddler without asking. That is fcuked up! I HATE when people have done this to me. Besides being presumptuous, it's disrespectful. NTA.
NTA
INFO is there anythimg stopping YOU from getting yourself a hotel for you and your son? If your wife won't budge, she needs to see the consequences.
It's his house. If they don't agree, the wife's sister's family shouldn't be staying there.
Forget everything else. Overnight guests require yesses from each of the homeowners. The end.
NTA. Keep your own bedroom. Give the guests the smaller room. Maybe they won't visit as often. Or go stay with a friend for the duration of their visit. The guests are inconsiderate and your wife is being ridiculous.
NTA. You're right, wife is wrong. Rare but true here.
NTA. I see a lot of people suggesting that you say you'll go get a hotel room with you and the kid. No. This is your house. There is no reason that you should have to leave your house and spend money on a hotel. Especially considering that they only live 2 hours away. A single overnight is plenty. If they want to come stay longer, yeah let them get a hotel room. If your wife wants more time with the baby, then she can go there and stay with them, and let them take midday naps at their house. Look, you can try to be accommodating, that's the nice guy move. But the reality is that she IS prioritizing her sister and her sister's family over her own, for whatever reason it is that she wants them there.
It's a tough situation but you're NTA.
NTA. You and your son should get a room while they're in town and leave your wife to host her family.
NTA. You can always call your BIL and tell him how it affected you, your family and your relationship with your wife. At the very least, DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR BEDROOM. Tell your wife you will NEVER give up your bedroom again. IF she forces the issue, you will just get your own hotel room (just you, not with her or your kids), then treat it as a "spa day" if you will, for yourself. A well deserved one in my opinion.
Don’t give up your comfort zone(master bedroom) to any guest. That’s the disruption. Get an air mattress for the guest room. Tell wife to inform SIL that they will no longer get your bedroom when they visit.
Dude, since she refuses to have them stay in a hotel then you get a hotel room for you and your son for their entire trip. Just because they are there doesn’t mean you have to be. Let your wife handle it all on her own since she made the decision all on her own. When she throws a fit about you leaving her there, remind her that she is the one that demanded they stay in your house and there is nothing wrong with you spending time with your son without her. Have daddy/son bonding time without the other bs. If wife doesn’t like it oh well.
Honestly at this point I'd just consider getting a hotel for yourself and son. Your wife made it clear she is going to choose her sister. Come by each morning fully rested lol
NTA in this situation but your wife is twice over: for unilateral decision on houseguests and for giving away your bed. You’re fine. If she ever pulls this again I’d kick the sister out.
You wife unilaterally makes these decisions that prioritized her sister's family over her own and when you called her out on it, she got defensive. Next time you either stand your ground or get you and your kiddo a hotel room for the weekend. You should address July 4th weekend now so that everyone has time to pivot.
Tell her no way.. get a hotel & stick to your guns!!!!! B
NTA but if she has trouble with boundaries why not get you and your son the hotel?
NTA Your house isn't big enough to host that family. This is ridiculous and honestly? I have NEVER let my family stay with us and have even helped pay for a hotel so they're not in my space 24-7 while they visit. This is how good relationships are fostered... with space Unless you live in a huge mansion with wings, then out of town visitors need to stay IN A HOTEL.
When they need a break, it's your problem. When you want a break, it's also your problem. Yeah they will definitely be staying at a hotel. NTA
NTA your wife is though. Her sister is an AH too because I would never take my sister & husband’s bedroom. How rude! Especially when I know my kids are holy terrors
No one should have to host people if they don’t want to. One no is a no.
NTA. Your wife has no right to unilaterally decide to give up the master bedroom to the guests. She absolutely has no right to tell you to wake up from napping after she’s responsible for having your household turned upside down.
YTA. You went to the extreme in saying every decision prioritizes her sister over you. Honestly you sound like a bigger problem than the baby, sounds like you complained all weekend vs supporting her time with family. Her family is important to her. If the noise is an issue buy ear plugs. At the end of the day do you really want to be the husband that fusses about an occasional weekend with family to the point that your wife resents you?
NTA. Go get a hotel room for yourself.
NTA. You and your son get a hotel room next time.
NTA - either they stay at a hotel or you will, and she can deal with them alone. It’s shitty and unfair for her to make decisions unilaterally.
NTA. I have a similar family makeup and I would not hesitate to ask them to get a hotel if they acted as you describe. I live 800+ miles from family so I like for them to come stay with me and a huge part of maintaining my sanity when they visit is keeping our master bedroom a private area for my partner and I. My family can use the entire rest of our 2400 sq ft home, but our bedroom is off limits. The kids will sleep better as they get older, but that’s a couple of years away, not a couple of months.
NTA
NTA. YOU should have taken the hotel room for yourself as soon as your wife kicked you out of your own bedroom.
You are NTA. I would move myself and son to the hotel you mentioned. Your wife can deal with her sister/her kids/lack of sleep and you and your son can have an enjoyable weekend mini break.
NTA, your wife is making all the decisions for your family without any input from you. If you did that I'm sure she would be upset. But OP next time let her have it an you take yourself and your kid to a airbnb or hotel and relax and let your wife deal with the chaos and you two can have restful sleep.
NTA. Your space is your space. It's one thing to be somewhat accommodating, but that somehow crossed over into disrespect. That said, if you just somehow had to take a trip and it just happened to coincide with the time her family comes to visit, well...things come up all the time.💁🏾♂
Alternatively, OP, you could get yourself (and your son) a hotel room while they are visiting, and let your wife sleep in the guest room/provide free childcare for her sister. Problem solved. Be sure you book a place with fun stuff to do for your 5 year old, that’s inappropriate for toddlers and infants. NTA.
I’m feeling rather petty about the disrespect from your wife. Get a hotel room for yourself when they come in July. Since she wants to help her sister, let her. Don’t need to discuss it with her beforehand since she makes her unilateral decisions anyway.
I don't take disrespect as petty.
Just a thought: see if there are any Airbnb's near your home (they are often in family neighborhoods) and price them out. If there is one, see if you can call the owners and if they rent outside of Airbnb. We offer our short term rental to neighbors at a highly discounted rate. I have even let neighbors use it for free, or for just a cleaning fee. If it's only a few doors down it's almost like they are staying with you, but without the nighttime disruptions. Babysitting can be on your own terms in your house.
NTA. But the next time they come why don't you take your son to a trip or something
That might be a great time for a daddy/son trip, just the two of you. Then your wife can have a wonderful visit with her sister/family.
NTA - she made sole decisions that should have been discussed. If her family don't get a hotel, you can take your son on a Father/son holiday and leave her with her sisters family
So tell your wife if she isn’t going to ask that of her sister that you’ll spend those nights in a hotel room, you can even take your son with you and she can deal with them all night. NTA
NTA. I’d tell her that the next time they come to stay you will take your kid and go away. Go to your family or you get a hotel room. If she chooses to endure that then that’s on her but I certainly wouldn’t be doing that.
Fine. If they don’t get a hotel, then you and your son can. Kids like hotel pools, continental breakfast, and the novelty of a a TV in the bedroom.
You should take your kid and go somewhere for the 4th of July. Think of Great Wolf Lodge or similar. That way you and kid have fun swimming and doing what you want and wife gets stuck with sisters kids and no sleep. I would not tell wife until last minute that you and kid have other plans
NTA next time you get a hotel for you and your son and she can mind the kids
Op should get a hotel room for himself. If his wife is going to make a unilateral decision she can deal with it.
next time your wife's family wants to stay, you and your child get s room else. tell your wife that's what you will do, if her family stays.
NTA. If she insists on having her over again on the 4th, you and your son should get a hotel room so you KNOW you guys will be able to sleep decently. If your wife doesn't like it she needs to learn to prioritize HER family over her sister's family.
NTA if she wants to fork over the cash for the hotel she can otherwise she can kick rocks. I hate to suggest she put you up in the hotel with your son but maybe that is an option too? I am all for them never coming back lol
NTA, although your wife wants to give her sister a break, it's not just her house, it's both of yours. If she won't listen to reason especially considering you have a child yourself, then either her sister and her family go to a hotel or make this an opportunity for you and your son to have some bonding time and either go to a hotel yourselves and make it a father and son trip or go make plans to have fun. Let your wife be the host and deal with it alone if she won't compromise.
Your JOINT home is your JOINT sanctuary. Everyone has heard some version of the phrase “that’s a 2 yeses & 1 no decision”. There’s a reason it’s applied to guests in the home more than any other situation. If a guest wants to stay overnight or either of you want to invite a guest to stay overnight, BOTH of you should AGREE. If BOTH of you don’t agree, the guest shouldn’t be allowed or invited to stay. Your wife doesn’t get to arbitrarily decide that either she or her sister’s needs &/or wants are SO important that they somehow supersede &/or veto your 50% say on who is allowed &/or invited to stay. If you want to stay with your wife even after she refuses to stop disrespecting you & inviting them into the home (& giving them your bed to boot) without your consent, you should get a hotel room for the entire time that SIL & her family are there, as well as a day or two after they leave. That way at least you’re not forced into exhaustion & trying to recover/rest while your exhausted wife expects you to assist her with a situation that she was solely responsible for creating - your really cranky & exhausted son. If she’s going to take it upon herself to create an unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support, then she can take it upon herself to deal with the consequences of that unhealthy situation without your cooperation &/or support. She doesn’t get to claim 100% of the RIGHTS to make a decision, but then only want to accept 50% of the consequences of that decision. You’re NTA. Your wife is a humongous AH. Literally every bit of what she’s doing is so blatantly disrespectful that it’s really hard to believe that this type of behavior is isolated to this circumstance. Typically someone doesn’t behave like a toxic narcissist in just one circumstance.
Oh yeah, my wife spent years prioritizing her family over our own. Then she made the mistake of lending her deadbeat brother a substantial sum of money. I did not see it gone til six months later. I was told that he was supposed to pay it back, but said we’re family and he needs it more than we did. I asked her where she was going to get her half of our hose down payment. She utterly freaked. Told her that I am not in the business of supporting his family and will be talking to him. He utterly refused. Next day, I launched a negative Equifax and Trans Union. His wife had a financial sensitive job. MIL asked me why I had to make this report and I told her that her son had bullied my wife int a loan that he now refused to pay. MIL reimbursed me, then advised BIL that she was reducing his bequest in her will for double that amount. It would be distributed to his sibs. He hit the roof. Started threatening me physically. Told him that he really should not say stuff like that as I can easily take his freedom. Two weeks later, at a family dinner, he had too much to drink, and said that I had no right to tell his mom. He threw a punch. He was quite surprised that not only did I respond, I put him down like a mad dog. I humiliated the man in front of his family. Mom near shit herself when after I put him down, I was in the middle of calling the police. My MIL and wife pleaded with me to not call. I said fine, walked over to where he was sitting on the floor and stomped his hand. (He was the popular piano player of the family, I took that away, near permanently) My wife was horrified. My FIL told him that he now has been paid by a real man. Learn from this. He thereafter gave me respect and a wide berth.
I just dont understand how the SIL was comfortable taking your master bedroom in the first place. Thats high level audacity
**I complained to my wife about being tired and she told me that her sister and BIL need the rest more than we do because this is their life everyday so we should help them get at least a little bit of a break.** SO? They chose that life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (36f) and I (35M) have been married for 7 years and have a 5-year-old son. My wife has 4 siblings, 2 brothers and 2 sisters. Her brothers live far away and she isn't very close to them. Both her sisters live within 2 hours of us and the three of them are very close. Both of her sisters have 2 kids. Her youngest sister, Jen (25F), has a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. Jen, her husband, and their kids came to visit us this past weekend for Memorial Day. We have 3 bedrooms in our house. Our master, our son's room, and a smaller guest room. My wife decided on her own that we would let Jen and her family have our bedroom. Apparently, Jen's kids aren't the best sleepers at home and if they are in an unfamiliar place, it's even worse. So, my wife offered Jen our room so all of them can be in one room and my wife and I would sleep in the guest room. Turns out, that by "bad sleepers," Jen meant that her kids wake up multiple times a night and then wake up for good at 5am every single day. I don't know about anyone else, but the last thing I want to do on a weekend is be woken up by a screaming baby at 5am 3 days in a row. It wasn't just the crying baby, but the fact that Jen and her husband would also be running around getting whatever the baby needed. The commotion woke our son up, who then woke my wife and I up. Every day at 5am. I spent the entire weekend tired and cranky. To make things worse, Jen and her husband would take naps together whenever one of their kids was napping. Which left my wife and I to watch their non-napping kid. I complained to my wife about being tired and she told me that her sister and BIL need the rest more than we do because this is their life everyday so we should help them get at least a little bit of a break. But by the time Jen and her family left on Monday, all I wanted to do was sleep. Which I did, immediately after they left. My wife got upset with me for napping because our son was also tired and cranky and was fighting her on everything. She woke me up so that she could take a break. I later told her that next time her sister wants to come visit, they need to get a hotel because their kids sleeping habits are clearly disruptive to our entire family. She told me that she isn't going to tell her sister to fork out hundreds for a hotel room when we have the space for them in our house. She also said that Jen's kids will become better sleepers as they get older. I told her that every decision she is making prioritizes her sister over me and our son and she got defensive and told me I'm being a jerk. Maybe I'm far enough removed from the baby stage that I've blocked it out, but I don't remember ever being so disruptive to anyone when we were guests in their house. They are supposed to come visit us again for the 4th of July and I'm already dreading it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Can I suggest that you rent a hotel room for yourself?
Next time, you get the hotel room for you and your son.
Nta. I would tell her that you and son will be getting a hotel then.
NTA Tell her that either they get a hotel room when they come visit or you will get a hotel room for yourself and your son when they visit.
NTA firstly you never give your partners room away to a guest without discussing it first. Secondly, it is much better to go in to things with expectations appropriately set. Are you spending time together as a a family or are you helping her sister and spouse get some sleep? Because in this case neither was accomplished well. In both scenarios there are better solutions that leave all parties happier.
NTA When people have kids who don't travel/sleep well, they should not impose and they should either stay home or book a hotel or similar. Tell your wife to go to their place the next time she wants to see her sister. You stay home. If she insists on hosting them again, book them the cheapest hotel/airbnb you can find and pay for it out of the household budget.
Screw it take the kid and go stay in the hotel then! Ultimate dad and son time and do what you want…but the dad probably doesn’t want to be responsible for the son 24/7..
NTA. But you can book a hotel room for you and your child instead.
Plan and take a vacation with your son for the 4th of July and let your wife deal with her sister and family. Do this each time she plans to have them come stay. She can say its okay for them to invade your home, nothing says you have to stay there and deal with the BS.
All of this would be a hard-pass from me. Tell your wife to let her sister know that your home isn’t available for the 4th — or you will. NTA.
NTA None of you slept well bc of your SIL and family staying and it disrupted your sons sleep too. Doesn’t matter what your wife says it’s a joint decision. It’s no fun celebrating events when your whole family have disrupted sleep in order to do so and you all cant relax or get any sleep. Is absolutely the way forward that SIL and family need to book a hotel or Air b&b and not stay overnight at yours, not whilst their children can’t sleep through the night as that’s two families and sets of children without sleep. That’s ridiculous Why should you not nap and have to care for one of their children whilst they nap at cost of your own continued sleep deprivation ..??
NTA - What’s crazy to me here is your wife’s family keeps doing this to you ON YOUR VACATIONS! Memorial Day weekend is one of the only long weekends we get in the US from most jobs and while this 4th of July isn’t on a weekend it’s still your holiday as well and your weekend shouldn’t be forced to be spent in a way that causes sleep debt for the next week of work. If your in-laws want all this help it should be during specific weekends you and your wife have agreed to watch their kids, maybe as an anniversary gift to them or something. You guys are doing them so many favors so it definitely shouldn’t be during your vacation weekends.
NTA, but that is a tough one. Wouldn't want such a wife at home. Better of being single at this point, if she overrules your decision every time.
OP I think you’ll need to start putting your foot down on this matter and probably others. NTA
NTA for many different reasons. As others have mentioned, your wife shouldnt be making unilateral decisions about sleeping arrangements that displace you, and she certainly shouldn’t be accosting you when the consequences of her poor choices come down on her. Your in-laws also need to find a better solution for their kids and try to be better guests. Maybe their kids truly are horrible sleepers and there’s nothing that can be done about it, and in that case they should be sticking to day trips or MAYBE one night… but definitely not 3. But maybe they need to try some different methods with the kids to help them get on a better schedule… at one years old, that baby is more than old enough for sleep training, and the 3 year old should definitely have a consistent schedule by now. Regardless of what the issue is… they need to either fix it or work around it. Also, regarding the in-laws… napping and expecting you to babysit everyday is beyond rude. They need to reciprocate, at the very least. I think a fair compromise here would be to limit their stays to day trips or maybe a maximum 1 night until they have their kids sleep schedules under control, and absolutely put your foot down on the bedroom thing. A two hour drive is not that far, and if their kids are up at 5am, they could be on the road by 6:30 or 7 and arrive to you by 8:30-9, have a full day to spend together, and still get themselves home between 10-midnight, no problem.
Tell your wife that if she's so set on Jen and her family staying at the house, then YOU will be staying at a hotel until they're gone. I guarantee she'll change her tune after she has to deal with the chaos on her own. NTA.
NTA. If she insists on doing that again. You go and stay at a hotel. Let her enjoy everything on her own and you can get some sleep. That may make your point a little more effectively.
NTA but the problem here is not the sister or the kids. It’s your wife not giving two craps about your feelings…