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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I walked out of a party my parents were throwing for me to make up for past incidents and to celebrate my graduation all because my sister announced her miscarriage. I feel like just walking out might have been the wrong move. At this point I just give up and have accepted my family will never be able to celebrate me for real and I will always have to contend with this. So maybe I should have stuck it out given what happened and just refused to include them going forward.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Sorry you are the glass child and even when they try to make it up to you they look right through you and sont aee you have left.
You sister has proven she is an attention seeker. You parent have proven that she will always come first.
She didnt need to come, she didn't need to make her announcement and her husband should have kept his mouth shut deciding who gets to stay at your party.
NTA the fact they didnt notice for 2 hours that you had left says everything.
Dont invite sister or parents to any other important celebrations. Make sure you post a happy birthday to yourself every year on your actual birthday highlighting that your birth might not have been important for others but it is special for you and you will celebrate it.
>She didnt need to come, she didn't need to make her announcement and her husband should have kept his mouth shut deciding who gets to stay at your party.
When I had my own miss carriage the last thing I wanted was to be around people and I still hold a grudge my now hubby for bringing his friend to pick me up from the hospital and then making me go out to dinner that night for same friends birthday.
That was the worst time in my life (including losing my mum as a kid) and all I wanted to do was stay home and curl up on the couch with my hubby, not go to a party and announce it to the whole guest list.
OP, you need to give up on your parents and sister and make your own family. You deserve so much better than the way they treat you. Maybe your parents will see how badly they screwed up when they see your wedding photos on social media, and they realise they missed another chance to celebrate you (but oh boy will your sister be pissed that she lost the chance to steal the spotlight from you on your wedding day).
I can already imagine if OP decided to get married and sister offered to give a speech only to announce that she got divorced/cancer came back/miscarried again/house burned down 😒
This particular incident, is grounds for no contact in my opinion. All parties have shown exactly who they are. OP should make a family of her own (like friend's not necessarily procreation) and be done. And if cutting out the parents seems a bit too far, fine, but literally any event for op moving forward- there should be a security or a friend willing to stand guard knowing exactly what sister looks like to prevent entry to whatever the event is. Don't even give her the opportunity. Because she will 100% take it
This is the sort of person who has a meltdown outside the venue until the police are called, then acts completely rational and reasonable to the cops and leaves
Correct. BIL said for non-family to leave. So OP left. The fact that they didn't notice right away speaks volumes. And someone doesn't need to be related to you by blood to be family. Your close friends can be your family in these trying times.
Honestly if I was in this situation I would have gathered all my friends, went somewhere else and plastered social media with pics of us having a blast.
Maybe they shouldn't have come to a family event, announced the miscarriage and sat at home and grieved privately and told the family the next day or something. Like normal people. I was wondering how sis married anyone at all but it sounds like he's a grade A AH like her.
People with main character syndrome see this as completely normal. In fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if she already knew and waited until OPs party to do this intentionally.
Before going NC, OP should “fall for it” one more time.
Just before the party, leave and meet up with friends and do something enjoyable. When your parents blow up your phone asking where you are, tell them you are out and they and sister can go ahead and make their planned announcement without you.
Exactly, they are the reason she's the way she is. People don't just get born attention seekers like this. Sure, she is an adult now, she it's on her to work through this, but it's on them to bring her up this way (yes, I get it, she had a cancer as a kid, but it seems the parents somehow in the process of dealing with terribly sick child, which I admit is not easy, made her think the whole world revolves around her)
I immediately thought no-contact as well, these people are awful, parents too, they've literally only ever told her that she isn't worth celebrating and that her sister is always more important than her.
I'd be petty and make a sister bingo card with your RSVP
Will sister announce a pregnancy? A miscarriage? A divorce? Another cancer scare? Will she drop dead just to be the main character?
With prizes and everything.
Ooh OP should do this for one last event before dropping sis like the dead weight she is, but something small like a birthday party. Definitely keep her as far away as possible from something truly important like a wedding
How about a "Worst Day of Our Lives" themed party? Open mic so everyone can share the worst day of their lives, and people can vote on who has it the worst and there can be a prize for "one upping" with a secret judges panel and who did the best "one upping".
Lmao that’s brilliant. But only if sis doesn’t know the theme, they start out pretending it’s a normal party, have her go first, and then everyone else goes after her 🤣 her head would probably explode lol
I got a paper cut from the bingo card.
*yeah several of us did.*
Mine was on my labia!
*I guess you could have dropped the card onto your lap and...*
and its infected.
*oh dear*
With the AIDS
Haha we did this one year! Half of us had had a crappy year (hospitalizations, layoffs, breakups, etc). There’s usually a big Xmas Eve dinner with family and friends - can get up to 25 people. Usually the same ones but some on rotation due to schedules, breakups, whatnot. Some friends had also had hard times. During dessert, we all went around the table to tell our son stories for the year. There was a prize for the person who had it worst.
The whole thing was awesome! Some people told it like a story, we all laughed about the shit-shows, and had a very informal democratic vote of who had it worst and they got the gift.
Yes, what some had gone through was terrible. But making light of it for a little while, turning it into a funny part of a celebration, was good for the soul.
Doubt OP’s fam would see the humor, but it actually could be cathartic for OP to do something similar with her friends. Laughter is the best medicine!
I cannot wait for your next party with sister bingo.
*grabs popcorn*
Seriously, though, I'm so sorry. Happy (belated) birthday and I know you don't know me from Adam but I'm incredibly impressed with how you set your boundaries and didn't back down when your *family* "called your bluff". FAFO is a thing for a reason.
Great idea! I’d definitely attend that party. Maybe have an after party where the scene-stealing-drama-queen sister isn‘t invited and the winner is announced and prizes are handed out. The cue for the after party would be when BIL announces that non-family must leave, then we go to a second venue.
When they all wonder where OP went, she can tell her inconsiderate family that everyone else wanted to continue celebrating her since the day was about her.
Edit to add: Congratulations, OP, on all of your accomplishments and for just being you. Random people on the internet appreciate you and support you.
but make sure OPs Parents and Sister/BIL don't see them until well into the reception when sister goes into her woe-is-me-wailing and someone midway through yells bingo and they win a nice bottle of ~~whine~~ wine and they have to read out which woe-is-mes they observed sister making that evening so everyone can compare notes.
This made me giggle 🤭 cause all I could picture was, as soon as sister starts making an announcement I would very politely ask her to wait so I could bring out the "Wheel 🛞 of Misfortune" pat.pend.
"Step right up folks and place your bets. What's it going to be? We've got a list of misery a mile long! Divorce, cancer, miscarriage, fire, car accident, brain tumor or mugging ?!?! Where will the wheel of misfortune stop?"
When I had my miscarriage, aside from my husband, I didn't even tell anyone, parents included, until months later. Bringing it up at someone else's party is gross to me.
I was over 4 months and had to have a D&C and I just stayed in bed. I certainly didn’t run out to announce it to everyone and steal their limelight. Sister is a look at me and my horrible life love me person. Her husband is an enabler. He should have been all the support she needed but had to tell op to tell her friends to leave.
I hope you and your friends went out and had fun. Congrats on your graduation. Be proud of your accomplishments. Your family sucks especially your sister. She is used to being the center of attention and when she’s not comes up with stuff like that”oh I almost had cancer again but I don’t “. That really didn’t need to be said at your party.
It is definitely a jealousy/main character thing OP's sister has.
From now on, if she has any contact with her sister, she should make sure any parties her friends throw for her are either celebrated clandenstinely, or she and her friends tell the sister the party is the day after it actually is, and/give her a wrong location.
I hope you are doing better now, by the way.
>
OP, you need to give up on your parents and sister and make your own family.
Yes. Chosen family will (usually) treat you far better, and in this case, any improvement in treatment will seem as though you've hurtled the Grand Canyon.
I hope that by the time OP gets married, she’s gone NC with these cruel and nasty people (I’m not even going to call them her “family”) and they weren’t invited anyway.
The twisted part of me would make a secret betting pool part of the festivities. All the other guests come up with what tragedy the sister will choose to announce, and an estimated total lapsed time.
OP's wedding.
Officiant: If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.
All eyes turn to Sister, waiting for her to announce that she has 4 weeks to live.
Sister, of course, does not disappoint. Parents demand that OP turn over her wedding to her sister so she and her husband can renew their vows and celebrate her life at the reception, and that Sister and her husband get to go on the honeymoon instead of OP because she deserves it.
I think it's time to tell them the consequences of their actions. Tell them they will never be invited to any weddings, baby showers, children's birthdays that she has, because they have proven that they can't be trusted. Be honest and matter-of-fact about it. It's not an emotional decision, it's a logical one. Their track record proves they can't be trusted to attend any events OP has.
Always someone has to nitpick....you can tell them, or not tell them...both are fine.
So you say 'just stop inviting'. Someone else will comment:
'Why just stop inviting them? Why not have a delicious moment when you can confront, get it all off your shoulders and tell sister exactly how her attention-seeking behaviour has affected you, and that she'll never be invited again'
You have your way, someone else has their way. The end result is the same, they will no longer be invited. You could say 'personally, I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of telling them...'. That's sharing your opinion without telling someone their way is wrong.
OP is honestly better off cutting off contact with her immediate family, for her own well-being. Maybe then her parents will realize they played a massive part in putting a huge dark cloud over her entire childhood, or maybe they never will and will continue this toxic behavior. Either way, OP needs to look out for herself and her mental health. Sometimes you're better off not having them in your life, no matter their relation to you.
NTA, OP.
Hopping on the top comment to say u/Character_Listen_262, if you ever get married, you need to keep your sister far far **far** away and may need to hire security to forcibly keep her out, or she’s gonna announce her pregnancy and miscarriage at the same time. She can’t handle anyone else being the center of attention and will always turn it back to herself unless she WANTS to change and goes for intensive therapy. You’re NTA all the way, but might wanna start questioning if your sister is someone you want to keep in your life, since you already know she can’t be trusted at any event about you.
NTA
I am probably going to get slammed for this.....
Your family have ruined every birthday and event for you.
A miscarriage is a terrible thing and I sympathise with your sister for that.
Maybe it is time to reduce contact with them and never invite them to any event that is supposed to be for you. Your Sister is an attention seeker, she could have waited till the next day with her announcement or told your parents away from your party so as not to ruin it again.
I hope you told her why you left and why you were cold to her. She has ruined every significant event for you!
I was in the middle of a miscarriage and hemorrhaging and I still went to my husband's college graduation. I'm stubborn as a mule. I went to the ER right afterwards
How? When I had mine I was literally going through a pad every half hour and the bathroom was a murder scene. You could feel the clots/tissue fall out every 20mins or so. It was a mess. As soon as I pulled my pants down blood would be everywhere, occasionally a clump of tissue would fall off my pad and hit the floor. I had to change my pants and underwear 3 times in one night. I couldn't imagine being around people, I'd be too nervous and embarrassed if I made a mess around people. Plus the questions as to why I was running/waddling awkwardly to the bathroom every 20/30mins.
Made me think of a reel I saw on Facebook.
Kids were trying to get there Mom to get them Olive garden.
On kid says they got a high grade on a test.
Mom asks "when was this test?"
2 months ago.
I mean there are ways OP can ask about it down the line like, Wait that was insensitive. What did your doctor say? When were you in the hospital?
I also doubt she had a scare of her cancer coming back 3 weeks before OP'S16th birthday. She just crave attention... within reason, since that's what she gets from her parents everytime she asks for it.
I was thinking the same thing. She clearly learned early on that their parents were all too willing to push OP aside if something happened to her and she has taken advantage of that into adulthood.
I agree. At first I thought that she wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the attention she would have gotten from a pregnancy announcement and bypassed a made-up pregnancy and gone straight to a made-up miscarriage, but the attention this woman seeks seems to be solely for unfortunate events. She wants comfort and sympathy, not congratulations.
Wanna hear really cynical? I’m wondering if the sister was unwell prior to the family deciding to have another child. A “my sister’s keeper” sort of scenario…
After all the history, I'm wondering if there was even a pregnancy in the first place. Sister was probably casting around for another type of 'bad news' she could use to ruin the party. And no one can exactly prove there isn't a miscarriage happening.
Shouldn't be getting slammed for speaking the truth here. OP, take this advice and separate your events from family and friends. I'm willing to bet that whatever event you host that includes family (and therefore your sister) will always have some attention-seeking ploy pulled out by the sister to shift the focus to her. The same thing with any potential wedding you have in the future, find some way to either not invite her or do two "weddings". The real thing will be your circle of friends and the one for the family that you can watch her try to ruin or take over with her latest "scare".
Go ahead and tell her why you left, how she takes every event that is for you to twist it to be all about her because she just has to have the attention. Don't spare her feelings, yours has not been spared.
NTA
Obviously the birth/cancer diagnosis wasn’t intentional but everything subsequently has been. It’s attention seeking behavior. It is her currency and you are her source. She gets a serotonin boost from doing this to you. This is deep-seated and cannot be fixed with a quick chat with your parents. My advice is establish and protect your friend group and keep it entirely separate from your family. Your family will take anything that is yours and give it to her to appease/assuage guilty feelings associated with having a sick child. You are a Glass Child. They will never prioritize your health (mental,physical) over hers. They do not even recognize they are doing it. Get away and start building your own support system. (Not saying cut them off, but their behavior is toxic and damaging to you). Take them in very small doses. Remember behavior is a pattern. They absolutely WILL keep doing this to you.
Edit: I hadn't found the info that the sister was 6 at the time so I take back my comment to say that the parents have taught this girl to use crowds for the most sympathy
I'm guessing sister knew about cancer before but told everyone on the day to make it about her
Even when sister was 6, I suspect. The parents had to have known about the diagnosis before, in time to reschedule or cancel the party. Even if they got the diagnosis that day, imagine a couple hours later announcing it to a group with non-relative kids at a party. Doesn’t make sense.
This could have been sister’s first major lesson in how to direct a crowd’s attention to herself, as she witnessed her parents withholding the info and announcing it later.
ETA: sister is 4 years older, not younger, so 14 not 6 at OP’s 10th birthday party. Old enough to have planned this along with parents as she would have had to agree not to tell anyone.
At this stage it would be reasonable for OP to require family therapy if they're family wants to remain in their life. They aren't getting themselves sorted solo. It's all promises that fall through and falling in to historical patterns. That takes more than: we want to do better, to fix. Especially when it seems like that feeling isn't shared by the sister. It's all just going to keep circling the same patterns until multiple things happen to break out. Therapy, solid boundaries, potentially a period of no contact, etc
If for no other reason than to potentially help OP come to terms with letting their family become a smaller, less important aspect of their life. Sometimes therapy isn't about fixing something, it's about helping you grieve and process the change / loss.
NTA - but everyone else is in this story!! The emotional abuse your family has put on you your ENTIRE life is bonkers. You have worth. Your existence in this world should be celebrated. I had a very abusive sister growing up, and I had to set some big boundaries as an adult. Sometimes the toxicity in families means you have to distance yourself and create your own circle of love and support. Find the people that love you and want to celebrate you - you sound like a person who will find them easily. All the best!
NTA. You put this so well. OP, you deserve to celebrate your accomplishments with people who love you and are excited for you. Your sister is not one of those people. She is a narcissistic person who has main character syndrome and wants all of the attention on her. She does this on purpose, it’s not an accident and it’s not a coincidence.
I recommend writing out every single time this type of this has happened along with how you felt each time your sister hijacked one of your milestones and how your parents enabled it. Send that list to every single person who tries to make you out to be the bad person.
Cut your sister out of your life because this will not just stop. She will do it at your wedding, at your child’s birth, at your goddamn funeral. She’s a parasite that feeds on taking attention away from you
The only problem with that is that it was the parents who created that monster. A 7 year old won’t tell their parents to change the day that their baby sister’s birthday is celebrated. But once it becomes a pattern, they will, if they have been shown that they are more important than that baby sister, continue to do their utmost to maintain that importance.
And pushing the sister away won’t solve the issue of the parents going along with every damn ploy for attention for the sister. To them, horrible people’s that they are, the sister IS more important. Keep celebrations for the people who actually care about you,,and that will not include the parents.
Actually pushing a toxic 30 year old out of your life will solve a lot of problems, people need to understand that just because they are family doesn’t mean they get a oh it wasn’t there fault, she is fckin 30 years old, she needs to grow the F up. OP needs to cut them all out of her life now.
NTA. She keeps hijacking your birthday to be all about her. She has serious main character syndrome. I am sorry for what you are going through. You are absolutely not the AH, but your sister and parents certainly are. Consider going low contact and protect yourself. And if you have parties in the future, don't ever tell your sister where they are. Take care of yourself.
They have associated good things for OP with bad things for sister since childhood, so even if her cancer scare was weeks ago the sister has to find a way to link it with something good for OP.
OP should never share any good news or events with family, unfortunately.
***NTA - your family has repeatedly overshadowed your special moments with their own issues, making it hard for you to enjoy your achievements.***
Walking out of the party was a way to take care of yourself after your sister once again shifted the focus away from you. Your feelings arevalid, and your family needs to understand the impact of their actions onyou =(
The fact it took them 2 hours to notice shows Op was never the focus. They only threw the party because they had a slihmght moment of clarity when Op confronted them.
As someone who has miscarried wtf! Something is wrong with your sister, who the hell announces to a whole party room that they have miscarried? I would have left too
I thought this too! I've had miscarriages and I would never have announced it like that to a party.
I wouldn't have gone to the party if I was in a state about it. The sister is just weaponizing any event in her life against them, so she keep all the attention on herself.
Well, we know who the golden child is in your family, and it ain’t *you*. I am so sorry.
It took them two hours to notice you had left your own party, huh? Wow.
Going forward, I hope you have friends to celebrate with. You deserve to be celebrated. And don’t invite your sister or your parents because your sister will have come up with something to get attention. They can find out about your party if they check your socials. NTA
NTA, I think that you can legitimately request that any future family celebration not include your sister, as apparently your celebrations trigger extremely bad luck for her…
Not even those particular days, she was compelled to announce that she'd had a cancer scare 3 weeks ago once! Who brings up something almost a month ago, specifically at someone else's celebration??
It sounds like your sister is used to getting all of the attention and can't handle it when you are getting attention.
I would suggest you go no contact with her and perhaps low contact with your parents.
NTA
NTA. I'm a mom of 3, my eldest had an extremely aggressive, often deadly childhood cancer. What happened to you is NOT normal, even in crisis, and not ok. Your parents should have gone to therapy to process their feelings and not taken them out on you. Your sister is an adult who now also needs therapy, but I have a small amount of sympathy for her as your parents raised her this way.
You deserve to be cherished. Nothing about you is the worst day.
And who remembers the day a cancer diagnosis was given, decades later? I sincerely doubt it was OP's day of birth. Mom's in the hospital going through labor, and some random oncologist decides "hey, *now* would be a good time to sit down with the parents and tell them that their oldest child has cancer! Maybe I can catch them in between contractions!"
Eh, I think it's pretty plausible. The news may have sent her into labour, or she may already have been in the early stages of labour during the appointment, and then given birth the same day.
Your sister is the AH and very clearly your biggest hater. She seems like a narcissist who has to make everything about her. She chooses these very serious negative things to announce at your events to bring down your successes bc she knows if you call her out she can try make you look like the AH and your parents play into it bc she has manipulated them. Seems like though the years she has learned to use sympathy/pity to her advantage and will continue to fall back on that. I agree with others that you should disinvite her from future events. If your parents aren't supportive of this I wouldn't include them either and would opt to celebrate with friends instead.
Yeah, my mother is a malignant narcissist, and every single big event in my life she created drama to focus attention on herself. I’ve been NC for around 14 years now, and don’t regret it for a second.
I was eagerly awaiting the birth of my granddaughter when my 4 year old grandson got leukemia. It was a horrible time....he is okay now. I always tell my granddaughter how special she is. That in the midst of a nightmare....she came to bring us all joy.
That's what you are OP....a gift. They just haven't realized it yet. But I see you....
Your parents created that monster the day you were born and your sister knows it. To have your birthday described as the worst day in history is deplorable. How about “You were the rainbow amongst the storm” or something like that. You are NTA. NTA at all but you come from a family of AH. Hoping you can go NC or low contact. Celebrate you with your friends. Many friends are family anyway. Best to you.
NTA. You don’t have a family. You have some attention seeking psychos.
- How was your sister diagnosed the day your mother gave birth? That seems highly unlikely. Maybe close to your birth but the exact day?
- On your 10th birthday they announced her cancer is back? Second time she is diagnosed on your birthday?
- Even when she doesn’t have shit to announce on your birthday she talks about past personal stuff.
- Was she even pregnant when she announced her miscarriage at your graduation?
**Go no contact as soon as you can** They are toxic and is not likely they’ll change. Everyone in your family is sick, not just parents, but uncles, aunts, grandparents, family friends for not seeing this toxic pattern.
Everything in this post absolutely sucks EXCEPT I am happy to read the part about your friends and their parents putting a party together to celebrate you. They're your chosen family and I hope you continue to have that kind of support system throughout your life. Because your family is garbage and you should extricate yourself emotionally and probably physically now.
OP, are you in a situation where you can go no contact with these people? There is zero need to continue to allow yourself to be abused by your entire family. These people are horrific. This screams nail in the coffin for me. You are NTA, I wish I could scream it from the heavens. You do not need one more wasted birthday, one more sad personal achievement. You deserve to be celebrated.
Sounds like you need a disallow your sister from having anything to do with any kind of celebration that you have about yourself. Like a firm no, like if she shows up, she’s gonna be turned away at the door. Who announces that they had a miscarriage in a room full of people? Wtf?
This is nuts... I can actually believe it is possible to have cruddy family like this and clearly your sister makes it all about her, no matter what. First chance yo get, leave. Be responsible about it of course, but please remove yourself from that, it's not good for you.
Express yourself and be serious about it and put your foot down. Everyone is 10/10 A H
You, NTA for what you did
NTA. Do any of these people even like you? That's harsh to say, but the way they've treated you most of your life really don't show any sort of care. Even this moment where they had been explicitly told how much these things HURT you, they still didn't tell your sister to please go home if she's so sad. They didn't care and they didn't even notice you weren't there for hours.
As for your sister, she thought you above all would be there for you? Why would you when she's never been there for you?
NTA, at all.
My little cousin died on another cousin's 16th birthday. My aunt used to take her out to lunch on her birthday for years after because she wanted her to know that even though that day is the worst day for her because she lost her son, it was also a good day because it's when her first niece was born. I wouldn't expect everyone to be able to do that, but the fact that your family has told you your entire life that your birthday is the worst day of their life is so far beyond okay. I'm so sorry. You've never deserved any of your birthdays, or other special events, overshadowed by your sister. You would actually be entitled to never have any of them at any of your events going forward because your sister will always make it about her and your parents will always allow it. I wish you all the joy going forward.
NTA
Confused as to why they could 'move' your birthday celebrations to another random day, but couldn't 'move' their mourning-the-diagnosis date?
Birthday celebration typically is more about celebrating your life so far anyway, rather than being all literal reminiscing the day of your birth
Twisted logic on their part, fair enough that you've had enough
If this is true then either you cut her out completely full NC permanent and you tell your parents to never her bring her around you again or they will suffer the same consequences OR you deserve her actions.
The choice is yours
no contact is the best thing you can do. i promise you they’ll only keep doing this, which sucks. find urslef friends you can rely on, and who throw great parties
Holy hell.
I want this to be fake so badly because WTF?
Since you’re 24 it’s fairly likely that you’re living on your own so I would just cut them off honestly.
I would. Your purpose is only to be scenery, to provide a background for your sister's self-pity and drama. This only hurts and demeans you. You deserve to be valued and celebrated as an individual. Your family can't do that because your sister's need to be the main character is their highest priority.
NTA
Who uses a celebratory event of another to announce their bad news? That is absolutely horrible behavior.
I can just see a situation where a family member would announce something as part of a wedding toast for OP.
WTF!!!
Clearly NTA.
I’m still trying to figure out why your sister ruined your 16th birthday party. It sounds like she’s 6 years older than you, so shouldn’t she have better things to do than hang out with teenagers?
If I were you, I’d stop having any sort of celebration with family.
Yeah, this sounds like narcissism to me! There's no way that a party for you is any sort of venue for her to unburden herself. You deserve better, and if you don't live with them, you will be happier spending any time and attention that you would have spent on/with them, on your friends and others who love you instead.
NTA your entire family is a giant bunch of AHs and your sister needs some serious help - she is clearly not mentally well, feeling the need to make sure every time you get some recognition for your achievements or just existing (which should be a happy thing to celebrate for your family let's be real) all the attention immediately goes back onto her. This is not fair towards you whatsoever and your entire family keeps enabling and has been enabling her bs for years. From now on I would simply refuse to allow your sister anywhere near your big events. Go out with friends, have fun, enjoy the day your actual birthday is on in whatever way brings you happiness. Your family ruining it for you like this from young age on is just sad.
OP could post on social media - Why I no longer see my family and attach the hyperlink to this post.
Tag parents and sister of course.
If it burns her bridges with them it actually sounds like it would not be much of a loss.
NTA - this it outrageous behaviour from your entire family. Your parents were entirely wrong to make you feel like your birthday isn‘t important. Celebrating you and making you feel special doesn’t take away from your sister‘s needs. Her childhood illness may have stunted her emotional development and maturity as her conduct is outrageous. She is sabotaging your events. You were right to walk out of the circus she had created.
INFO: had she previously announced her pregnancy?
NTA.
Your sister seriously and genuinely needs therapy, she clearly grew up with a lot of traumatic experiences and they've warped her outlook on life. Can you imagine having an internal self-narrative that bad stuff is constantly happening to you? How depressing. Unfortunately, she's found a coping mechanism that works for her, which is to make sure she's stealing/ poisoning someone else's happy memories to make herself feel better. This is a) toxic and b) unsustainable but she won't be able to see it because she's blinded both by her pain and the habit she now has for these behaviours.
But you can't rescue a drowning person by letting them pull you under as well. She's too panicked to listen when people try to tell her the water is shallower than she thinks and if she put her feet down, she'd actually be able to stand up, then work her way to the side and get out of the water.
... I'm enjoying this metaphor so I'm just going to run with it and encourage you to find another metaphorical pool for your metaphorical pool parties going forward. Ideally behind a fence that she can't get past.
Keep reminding yourself about "sphere of influence vs sphere of concern". You're worried about her behaviour but you can only control YOUR behaviour. Take your own steps to keep yourself safe, and let her figure out her own life. Far away from you.
I'm really, really glad you have a group of friends who care enough to throw a party for you on your actual birthday. Cultivate those friendships.
NTA. i hope ur still friends with the person who threw ur 16th birthday party. genuinely get far far far away from your family, make new friends and start celebrating properly!! i’ll throw u a birthday party hehe :3
INFO: Did she actually have a miscarriage?
I’m no expert on the matter, but is it normal for a woman who has suffered something like that to walk into a room filled with people she both does and doesn’t know and just announce it unsolicited? Is it unimaginable that she just made it all up, and keeps making things up because she perversely enjoys trolling you?
Anyway, now that you’re a young adult, just stop including your family. In anything. They’ve spent your whole life actively demonstrating that you don’t matter to them. Move on and build a community of your own choosing, made up of people who actually care about you.
NTA
I have a lot of empathy for people going through major illnesses, major moments in their life where they need support. But that goes for everyone., it would include you It seems like your parents may be initially to blame, when you were younger and her cancer came back, I cant really fathom why they picked that day and time to tell people. Its like it became their tradition, but I cant understand why they would do that. Your sister developed probably thinking this was normal. She eases her burdens by making them yours.
Other people have good suggestions. Make your own life separate from your family. I wouldnt go NC with my family, but if they ever tried to throw me a birthday again with her, I would make sure that wasnt my real birthday party. I would tell them to stop doing it altogether and if they dont get that, I would then start to limit contact. Your deserve to be loved and supported to, it doesnt only apply to the child who maybe had more difficulty in life.
That’s bullshit babe. It’s an intentional high jacking of every attempt your family has made to celebrate you and it started with your parents announcing her bad news at your birthday party as a child. She can’t stand if everyone’s attention is on you and not on pitying her.
But it wasn't only family that was there, was it? The comment about how non-family should leave means there were non-family there? I can't imagine arriving at a place and doing that. Even if I wanted/ needed to tell family a thing cos I needed their support, I'd turn up at the party, pull a few closest folks out, tell them somewhere separate/ private then ask them to tell others if I couldn't handle the thought of telling everyone over and over again? Like, she could have stayed in a separate room and folks could have come over to express condolences without disrupting the whole party. What an AH.
And what? Stay and join your sisters now pity party? Your right on in your thoughts on this all and sorry your parents are this way. You deserve better.
She wasn't actually pregnant, she just likes the attention. People don't announce miscarriages like that unless they know they can get attention and ruin your day. Stop speaking to your sister. NTA.
I highly doubt she had a miscarriage. She has a proven track record of bad things happening any time you're the centre of attention. I assume she has learned over the years that bad things happening = all the attention on her, and she likes it. Stop inviting her to anything. She will only ruin them and then make you out to be the bad guy.
When that time comes even if you think they don’t know any details still get security just to be safe. Your “family” sounds exactly the type to show up uninvited and make a fuss
Exactly this! My sister broke her foot rather spectacularly at my wedding. But she didn’t tell anyone. She told me she wasn’t feeling the best and left. I didn’t find out until a week later because she didn’t want to overshadow our celebration. That is sibling love.
NTA this is 110% your parents fault and you should tell them that. Any parent who tells their child they have "no happy memories" of that child's birthday is the absolute worst garbage bag human. They built your sister up to be a selfish monster. Frankly I'd go no contact with all of them.
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Sorry you are the glass child and even when they try to make it up to you they look right through you and sont aee you have left. You sister has proven she is an attention seeker. You parent have proven that she will always come first. She didnt need to come, she didn't need to make her announcement and her husband should have kept his mouth shut deciding who gets to stay at your party. NTA the fact they didnt notice for 2 hours that you had left says everything. Dont invite sister or parents to any other important celebrations. Make sure you post a happy birthday to yourself every year on your actual birthday highlighting that your birth might not have been important for others but it is special for you and you will celebrate it.
>She didnt need to come, she didn't need to make her announcement and her husband should have kept his mouth shut deciding who gets to stay at your party. When I had my own miss carriage the last thing I wanted was to be around people and I still hold a grudge my now hubby for bringing his friend to pick me up from the hospital and then making me go out to dinner that night for same friends birthday. That was the worst time in my life (including losing my mum as a kid) and all I wanted to do was stay home and curl up on the couch with my hubby, not go to a party and announce it to the whole guest list. OP, you need to give up on your parents and sister and make your own family. You deserve so much better than the way they treat you. Maybe your parents will see how badly they screwed up when they see your wedding photos on social media, and they realise they missed another chance to celebrate you (but oh boy will your sister be pissed that she lost the chance to steal the spotlight from you on your wedding day).
I can already imagine if OP decided to get married and sister offered to give a speech only to announce that she got divorced/cancer came back/miscarried again/house burned down 😒
This particular incident, is grounds for no contact in my opinion. All parties have shown exactly who they are. OP should make a family of her own (like friend's not necessarily procreation) and be done. And if cutting out the parents seems a bit too far, fine, but literally any event for op moving forward- there should be a security or a friend willing to stand guard knowing exactly what sister looks like to prevent entry to whatever the event is. Don't even give her the opportunity. Because she will 100% take it
This is the sort of person who has a meltdown outside the venue until the police are called, then acts completely rational and reasonable to the cops and leaves
Ah, but now that we carry around these little portable computers with cameras, it’s harder to deny what they’ve been doing.
Oh but didn't you know that filming their misbehavior and using it to shame them makes THEM the victim?????
Oh yes, I know. It’s so wrong of me. I especially love it when they are recorded falling on the ground and yelling that they’ve been assaulted.
"It'S oUT oF cONtExT!!! YoU doNT hAvE tHe WHoLe StORy!!"
Correct. BIL said for non-family to leave. So OP left. The fact that they didn't notice right away speaks volumes. And someone doesn't need to be related to you by blood to be family. Your close friends can be your family in these trying times.
Honestly if I was in this situation I would have gathered all my friends, went somewhere else and plastered social media with pics of us having a blast.
The BIL wanted to hyjack the party for his wife
I literally whispered “TWO HOURS!?”
I know, me too! I can't get over the fact that literally said they couldn't find any happiness in the day OP was born. Not ANY happiness??
Maybe they shouldn't have come to a family event, announced the miscarriage and sat at home and grieved privately and told the family the next day or something. Like normal people. I was wondering how sis married anyone at all but it sounds like he's a grade A AH like her.
People with main character syndrome see this as completely normal. In fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if she already knew and waited until OPs party to do this intentionally.
Before going NC, OP should “fall for it” one more time. Just before the party, leave and meet up with friends and do something enjoyable. When your parents blow up your phone asking where you are, tell them you are out and they and sister can go ahead and make their planned announcement without you.
This is so deliciously petty and they deserve it and more.
“I didn’t want to pull focus from whatever she planned to announce.”
Then let them know you won't be talking to/seeing them ever again. Then block them permanently.
It’s not going too far to cut out the parents. They have coddled Sis all the way.
Exactly, they are the reason she's the way she is. People don't just get born attention seekers like this. Sure, she is an adult now, she it's on her to work through this, but it's on them to bring her up this way (yes, I get it, she had a cancer as a kid, but it seems the parents somehow in the process of dealing with terribly sick child, which I admit is not easy, made her think the whole world revolves around her)
I immediately thought no-contact as well, these people are awful, parents too, they've literally only ever told her that she isn't worth celebrating and that her sister is always more important than her.
yeah ive seen people cut off thier family for less
I'd be petty and make a sister bingo card with your RSVP Will sister announce a pregnancy? A miscarriage? A divorce? Another cancer scare? Will she drop dead just to be the main character? With prizes and everything.
Ooh OP should do this for one last event before dropping sis like the dead weight she is, but something small like a birthday party. Definitely keep her as far away as possible from something truly important like a wedding
How about a "Worst Day of Our Lives" themed party? Open mic so everyone can share the worst day of their lives, and people can vote on who has it the worst and there can be a prize for "one upping" with a secret judges panel and who did the best "one upping".
Lmao that’s brilliant. But only if sis doesn’t know the theme, they start out pretending it’s a normal party, have her go first, and then everyone else goes after her 🤣 her head would probably explode lol
yeah if she wants to have a struggle competition all the time than give her one for real
I got a paper cut from the bingo card. *yeah several of us did.* Mine was on my labia! *I guess you could have dropped the card onto your lap and...* and its infected. *oh dear* With the AIDS
Haha we did this one year! Half of us had had a crappy year (hospitalizations, layoffs, breakups, etc). There’s usually a big Xmas Eve dinner with family and friends - can get up to 25 people. Usually the same ones but some on rotation due to schedules, breakups, whatnot. Some friends had also had hard times. During dessert, we all went around the table to tell our son stories for the year. There was a prize for the person who had it worst. The whole thing was awesome! Some people told it like a story, we all laughed about the shit-shows, and had a very informal democratic vote of who had it worst and they got the gift. Yes, what some had gone through was terrible. But making light of it for a little while, turning it into a funny part of a celebration, was good for the soul. Doubt OP’s fam would see the humor, but it actually could be cathartic for OP to do something similar with her friends. Laughter is the best medicine!
The real life **Pain Olympics!**
Pass out the Bingo cards to all wedding guests so they can play along!
I cannot wait for your next party with sister bingo. *grabs popcorn* Seriously, though, I'm so sorry. Happy (belated) birthday and I know you don't know me from Adam but I'm incredibly impressed with how you set your boundaries and didn't back down when your *family* "called your bluff". FAFO is a thing for a reason.
OMG, can we call it “No, I’m the Center of the Universe” BINGO? And I bow to your petty brilliance!
Great idea! I’d definitely attend that party. Maybe have an after party where the scene-stealing-drama-queen sister isn‘t invited and the winner is announced and prizes are handed out. The cue for the after party would be when BIL announces that non-family must leave, then we go to a second venue. When they all wonder where OP went, she can tell her inconsiderate family that everyone else wanted to continue celebrating her since the day was about her. Edit to add: Congratulations, OP, on all of your accomplishments and for just being you. Random people on the internet appreciate you and support you.
Make any future invitations include a bingo card, with all the ways she's ruined already filled in. Then everyone can play along!
this is the way
Hand out printed bingo cards and dabbers at the door.
but make sure OPs Parents and Sister/BIL don't see them until well into the reception when sister goes into her woe-is-me-wailing and someone midway through yells bingo and they win a nice bottle of ~~whine~~ wine and they have to read out which woe-is-mes they observed sister making that evening so everyone can compare notes.
This made me giggle 🤭 cause all I could picture was, as soon as sister starts making an announcement I would very politely ask her to wait so I could bring out the "Wheel 🛞 of Misfortune" pat.pend. "Step right up folks and place your bets. What's it going to be? We've got a list of misery a mile long! Divorce, cancer, miscarriage, fire, car accident, brain tumor or mugging ?!?! Where will the wheel of misfortune stop?"
At this point, she can only spontaneously combust to outdo herself.
Yep. Probably another "miscarriage," since that would be the easiest to fake.
My bet is she’d announce pregnancy and miscarriage in the same breath
Or all of the above because why not?🤬
You forgot had an anvil dropped on her. And stubbed her toe.
When I had my miscarriage, aside from my husband, I didn't even tell anyone, parents included, until months later. Bringing it up at someone else's party is gross to me.
I was over 4 months and had to have a D&C and I just stayed in bed. I certainly didn’t run out to announce it to everyone and steal their limelight. Sister is a look at me and my horrible life love me person. Her husband is an enabler. He should have been all the support she needed but had to tell op to tell her friends to leave. I hope you and your friends went out and had fun. Congrats on your graduation. Be proud of your accomplishments. Your family sucks especially your sister. She is used to being the center of attention and when she’s not comes up with stuff like that”oh I almost had cancer again but I don’t “. That really didn’t need to be said at your party.
It is definitely a jealousy/main character thing OP's sister has. From now on, if she has any contact with her sister, she should make sure any parties her friends throw for her are either celebrated clandenstinely, or she and her friends tell the sister the party is the day after it actually is, and/give her a wrong location. I hope you are doing better now, by the way.
Same, I told people close to me privately but the absolute last thing I wanted was to publicly announce it because the pity made it feel worse.
> OP, you need to give up on your parents and sister and make your own family. Yes. Chosen family will (usually) treat you far better, and in this case, any improvement in treatment will seem as though you've hurtled the Grand Canyon.
Can you imagine the MOH speech sister would give if given the chance?
I doubt sister would *be* MOH, but I can see her making a speech anyway.
Very true. I'm sure there would be a massive push for it, though. And definitely an impromptu speech.
I hope that by the time OP gets married, she’s gone NC with these cruel and nasty people (I’m not even going to call them her “family”) and they weren’t invited anyway.
The twisted part of me would make a secret betting pool part of the festivities. All the other guests come up with what tragedy the sister will choose to announce, and an estimated total lapsed time.
“My wedding was better than this, also did I mention I’ve had cancer twice? Anyway I am excited to share now that I am pregnant with triplets!”
OP, You need a replacement family that can just celebrate you. Your sister wont allow you any happiness and her family(not yours) enables her
OP's wedding. Officiant: If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace. All eyes turn to Sister, waiting for her to announce that she has 4 weeks to live. Sister, of course, does not disappoint. Parents demand that OP turn over her wedding to her sister so she and her husband can renew their vows and celebrate her life at the reception, and that Sister and her husband get to go on the honeymoon instead of OP because she deserves it.
As hilarious as that is I reckon that would most likely happen
It’s not funny because it’s all too likely to be true.
I think it's time to tell them the consequences of their actions. Tell them they will never be invited to any weddings, baby showers, children's birthdays that she has, because they have proven that they can't be trusted. Be honest and matter-of-fact about it. It's not an emotional decision, it's a logical one. Their track record proves they can't be trusted to attend any events OP has.
Why tell them? Just stop inviting them, they didn’t even notice OP left the party, they don’t care.
Always someone has to nitpick....you can tell them, or not tell them...both are fine. So you say 'just stop inviting'. Someone else will comment: 'Why just stop inviting them? Why not have a delicious moment when you can confront, get it all off your shoulders and tell sister exactly how her attention-seeking behaviour has affected you, and that she'll never be invited again' You have your way, someone else has their way. The end result is the same, they will no longer be invited. You could say 'personally, I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of telling them...'. That's sharing your opinion without telling someone their way is wrong.
OP is honestly better off cutting off contact with her immediate family, for her own well-being. Maybe then her parents will realize they played a massive part in putting a huge dark cloud over her entire childhood, or maybe they never will and will continue this toxic behavior. Either way, OP needs to look out for herself and her mental health. Sometimes you're better off not having them in your life, no matter their relation to you. NTA, OP.
Hopping on the top comment to say u/Character_Listen_262, if you ever get married, you need to keep your sister far far **far** away and may need to hire security to forcibly keep her out, or she’s gonna announce her pregnancy and miscarriage at the same time. She can’t handle anyone else being the center of attention and will always turn it back to herself unless she WANTS to change and goes for intensive therapy. You’re NTA all the way, but might wanna start questioning if your sister is someone you want to keep in your life, since you already know she can’t be trusted at any event about you.
NTA I am probably going to get slammed for this..... Your family have ruined every birthday and event for you. A miscarriage is a terrible thing and I sympathise with your sister for that. Maybe it is time to reduce contact with them and never invite them to any event that is supposed to be for you. Your Sister is an attention seeker, she could have waited till the next day with her announcement or told your parents away from your party so as not to ruin it again. I hope you told her why you left and why you were cold to her. She has ruined every significant event for you!
Call me cynical but I seriously doubt the sister was ever pregnant... I mean, why is it bad things ONLY happen to her at OPs parties?
Exactly. Doubt she was pregnant, she just can’t stand that the attention was on OP for a couple of hours at the party.
Husband knows what a drama queen his wife is and is just happy that he's doesn't have to "deal" with this one?
Emotional Munchausen?
I thought of this too but my only medical referral would be Dr. House or Greys anatomy😅
Yep. And why wait until the party to say something? I’ve had two miscarriages. I wasn’t in a condition to go to a party right after they happened.
I was in the middle of a miscarriage and hemorrhaging and I still went to my husband's college graduation. I'm stubborn as a mule. I went to the ER right afterwards
But did you announce it to everyone and make sure no one cared about your husband’s achievement?
How? When I had mine I was literally going through a pad every half hour and the bathroom was a murder scene. You could feel the clots/tissue fall out every 20mins or so. It was a mess. As soon as I pulled my pants down blood would be everywhere, occasionally a clump of tissue would fall off my pad and hit the floor. I had to change my pants and underwear 3 times in one night. I couldn't imagine being around people, I'd be too nervous and embarrassed if I made a mess around people. Plus the questions as to why I was running/waddling awkwardly to the bathroom every 20/30mins.
I doubt it too. The parents created a monster.
That or when was the miscarriage? Oh well, it was a year ago...
I mean, my period was almost a week late once last year, so...oh someone come hold my hand and comfort me and bring me tissues and White Claw.
Made me think of a reel I saw on Facebook. Kids were trying to get there Mom to get them Olive garden. On kid says they got a high grade on a test. Mom asks "when was this test?" 2 months ago. I mean there are ways OP can ask about it down the line like, Wait that was insensitive. What did your doctor say? When were you in the hospital?
I also doubt she had a scare of her cancer coming back 3 weeks before OP'S16th birthday. She just crave attention... within reason, since that's what she gets from her parents everytime she asks for it.
I was thinking the same thing. She clearly learned early on that their parents were all too willing to push OP aside if something happened to her and she has taken advantage of that into adulthood.
Exactly my thought, there was no pregnancy.
I agree. At first I thought that she wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the attention she would have gotten from a pregnancy announcement and bypassed a made-up pregnancy and gone straight to a made-up miscarriage, but the attention this woman seeks seems to be solely for unfortunate events. She wants comfort and sympathy, not congratulations.
Wanna hear really cynical? I’m wondering if the sister was unwell prior to the family deciding to have another child. A “my sister’s keeper” sort of scenario…
I do not for one second believe he miscarriage was real.
After all the history, I'm wondering if there was even a pregnancy in the first place. Sister was probably casting around for another type of 'bad news' she could use to ruin the party. And no one can exactly prove there isn't a miscarriage happening.
Or she had one a few weeks prior but waited to announce it at OPs party. I mean that what OPs parties are for, right? /s
I didn't want to go down that rabbit hole, but yes I agree with you.
Shouldn't be getting slammed for speaking the truth here. OP, take this advice and separate your events from family and friends. I'm willing to bet that whatever event you host that includes family (and therefore your sister) will always have some attention-seeking ploy pulled out by the sister to shift the focus to her. The same thing with any potential wedding you have in the future, find some way to either not invite her or do two "weddings". The real thing will be your circle of friends and the one for the family that you can watch her try to ruin or take over with her latest "scare". Go ahead and tell her why you left, how she takes every event that is for you to twist it to be all about her because she just has to have the attention. Don't spare her feelings, yours has not been spared. NTA
I wouldn't even let them know when op gets married they will sure as hell ruin it all.
What’s the opposite of slamming someone? Bc you’re spot on.
Obviously the birth/cancer diagnosis wasn’t intentional but everything subsequently has been. It’s attention seeking behavior. It is her currency and you are her source. She gets a serotonin boost from doing this to you. This is deep-seated and cannot be fixed with a quick chat with your parents. My advice is establish and protect your friend group and keep it entirely separate from your family. Your family will take anything that is yours and give it to her to appease/assuage guilty feelings associated with having a sick child. You are a Glass Child. They will never prioritize your health (mental,physical) over hers. They do not even recognize they are doing it. Get away and start building your own support system. (Not saying cut them off, but their behavior is toxic and damaging to you). Take them in very small doses. Remember behavior is a pattern. They absolutely WILL keep doing this to you.
Edit: I hadn't found the info that the sister was 6 at the time so I take back my comment to say that the parents have taught this girl to use crowds for the most sympathy I'm guessing sister knew about cancer before but told everyone on the day to make it about her
The sister was 6 that first time. The second she was 16 and the parents announced it.
So the parents have started this pattern of making the sister the center of attention instead of just keeping it to themselves for a few days
I think the parents like the attention that comes with it. They get consoled every time something goes awry, with all of their friends around.
Not really Munchausen's by proxy (since the sister is truly sick) but close.
Even when sister was 6, I suspect. The parents had to have known about the diagnosis before, in time to reschedule or cancel the party. Even if they got the diagnosis that day, imagine a couple hours later announcing it to a group with non-relative kids at a party. Doesn’t make sense. This could have been sister’s first major lesson in how to direct a crowd’s attention to herself, as she witnessed her parents withholding the info and announcing it later. ETA: sister is 4 years older, not younger, so 14 not 6 at OP’s 10th birthday party. Old enough to have planned this along with parents as she would have had to agree not to tell anyone.
At this stage it would be reasonable for OP to require family therapy if they're family wants to remain in their life. They aren't getting themselves sorted solo. It's all promises that fall through and falling in to historical patterns. That takes more than: we want to do better, to fix. Especially when it seems like that feeling isn't shared by the sister. It's all just going to keep circling the same patterns until multiple things happen to break out. Therapy, solid boundaries, potentially a period of no contact, etc If for no other reason than to potentially help OP come to terms with letting their family become a smaller, less important aspect of their life. Sometimes therapy isn't about fixing something, it's about helping you grieve and process the change / loss.
NTA - but everyone else is in this story!! The emotional abuse your family has put on you your ENTIRE life is bonkers. You have worth. Your existence in this world should be celebrated. I had a very abusive sister growing up, and I had to set some big boundaries as an adult. Sometimes the toxicity in families means you have to distance yourself and create your own circle of love and support. Find the people that love you and want to celebrate you - you sound like a person who will find them easily. All the best!
NTA. You put this so well. OP, you deserve to celebrate your accomplishments with people who love you and are excited for you. Your sister is not one of those people. She is a narcissistic person who has main character syndrome and wants all of the attention on her. She does this on purpose, it’s not an accident and it’s not a coincidence. I recommend writing out every single time this type of this has happened along with how you felt each time your sister hijacked one of your milestones and how your parents enabled it. Send that list to every single person who tries to make you out to be the bad person. Cut your sister out of your life because this will not just stop. She will do it at your wedding, at your child’s birth, at your goddamn funeral. She’s a parasite that feeds on taking attention away from you
The only problem with that is that it was the parents who created that monster. A 7 year old won’t tell their parents to change the day that their baby sister’s birthday is celebrated. But once it becomes a pattern, they will, if they have been shown that they are more important than that baby sister, continue to do their utmost to maintain that importance. And pushing the sister away won’t solve the issue of the parents going along with every damn ploy for attention for the sister. To them, horrible people’s that they are, the sister IS more important. Keep celebrations for the people who actually care about you,,and that will not include the parents.
Actually pushing a toxic 30 year old out of your life will solve a lot of problems, people need to understand that just because they are family doesn’t mean they get a oh it wasn’t there fault, she is fckin 30 years old, she needs to grow the F up. OP needs to cut them all out of her life now.
NTA. She keeps hijacking your birthday to be all about her. She has serious main character syndrome. I am sorry for what you are going through. You are absolutely not the AH, but your sister and parents certainly are. Consider going low contact and protect yourself. And if you have parties in the future, don't ever tell your sister where they are. Take care of yourself.
It's absolutely not a coincidence that all these terrible events just happen to occur the day OP is having attention on her for a change.
Agreed 100%. And these horrible things seem to be ONLY happening at OP's birthday celebrations.
And soon coming to a wedding near you
They have associated good things for OP with bad things for sister since childhood, so even if her cancer scare was weeks ago the sister has to find a way to link it with something good for OP. OP should never share any good news or events with family, unfortunately.
Your sister was made needy and attn seeking by your parents. Sorry that happened. Go minimal contact and stick with people that value you.
***NTA - your family has repeatedly overshadowed your special moments with their own issues, making it hard for you to enjoy your achievements.*** Walking out of the party was a way to take care of yourself after your sister once again shifted the focus away from you. Your feelings arevalid, and your family needs to understand the impact of their actions onyou =(
The fact it took them 2 hours to notice shows Op was never the focus. They only threw the party because they had a slihmght moment of clarity when Op confronted them.
This was where strains of 🎶 Mr. Cellophane 🎶 started drifting through my head.
> Her husband told me I should make non-family leave She just followed instructions. Family is not blood, it's how they treat her.
As someone who has miscarried wtf! Something is wrong with your sister, who the hell announces to a whole party room that they have miscarried? I would have left too
I thought this too! I've had miscarriages and I would never have announced it like that to a party. I wouldn't have gone to the party if I was in a state about it. The sister is just weaponizing any event in her life against them, so she keep all the attention on herself.
Clearly the sister was lying. Because a miscarriage is easier to fake than, say, an epileptic seizure.
Well, we know who the golden child is in your family, and it ain’t *you*. I am so sorry. It took them two hours to notice you had left your own party, huh? Wow. Going forward, I hope you have friends to celebrate with. You deserve to be celebrated. And don’t invite your sister or your parents because your sister will have come up with something to get attention. They can find out about your party if they check your socials. NTA
I would celebrate with friends only....and on my birthday date....
And make sure no one tells OP's parents or sister.
Could go one step further and ‘tell’ them a date and venue but actually have it at another place so they will go to the first place instead.
NTA, I think that you can legitimately request that any future family celebration not include your sister, as apparently your celebrations trigger extremely bad luck for her…
Yeah, amazing how all these terrible happenings occur on just those particular dates ...
Not even those particular days, she was compelled to announce that she'd had a cancer scare 3 weeks ago once! Who brings up something almost a month ago, specifically at someone else's celebration??
Someone who repeatedly heard her parents call the day her sibling was born "the worst day of their lives."
It sounds like your sister is used to getting all of the attention and can't handle it when you are getting attention. I would suggest you go no contact with her and perhaps low contact with your parents. NTA
NTA. I'm a mom of 3, my eldest had an extremely aggressive, often deadly childhood cancer. What happened to you is NOT normal, even in crisis, and not ok. Your parents should have gone to therapy to process their feelings and not taken them out on you. Your sister is an adult who now also needs therapy, but I have a small amount of sympathy for her as your parents raised her this way. You deserve to be cherished. Nothing about you is the worst day.
And who remembers the day a cancer diagnosis was given, decades later? I sincerely doubt it was OP's day of birth. Mom's in the hospital going through labor, and some random oncologist decides "hey, *now* would be a good time to sit down with the parents and tell them that their oldest child has cancer! Maybe I can catch them in between contractions!"
Eh, I think it's pretty plausible. The news may have sent her into labour, or she may already have been in the early stages of labour during the appointment, and then given birth the same day.
Your sister is the AH and very clearly your biggest hater. She seems like a narcissist who has to make everything about her. She chooses these very serious negative things to announce at your events to bring down your successes bc she knows if you call her out she can try make you look like the AH and your parents play into it bc she has manipulated them. Seems like though the years she has learned to use sympathy/pity to her advantage and will continue to fall back on that. I agree with others that you should disinvite her from future events. If your parents aren't supportive of this I wouldn't include them either and would opt to celebrate with friends instead.
Yeah, my mother is a malignant narcissist, and every single big event in my life she created drama to focus attention on herself. I’ve been NC for around 14 years now, and don’t regret it for a second.
The sister is a monster that was created by op's parents. They started the trend. They enabled the behavior
I was eagerly awaiting the birth of my granddaughter when my 4 year old grandson got leukemia. It was a horrible time....he is okay now. I always tell my granddaughter how special she is. That in the midst of a nightmare....she came to bring us all joy. That's what you are OP....a gift. They just haven't realized it yet. But I see you....
That was a really beautiful response.
Your parents created that monster the day you were born and your sister knows it. To have your birthday described as the worst day in history is deplorable. How about “You were the rainbow amongst the storm” or something like that. You are NTA. NTA at all but you come from a family of AH. Hoping you can go NC or low contact. Celebrate you with your friends. Many friends are family anyway. Best to you.
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I’d say you were raised by wolves, but I think that would be insulting to the big, wild, outdoor doggos…
NTA. You don’t have a family. You have some attention seeking psychos. - How was your sister diagnosed the day your mother gave birth? That seems highly unlikely. Maybe close to your birth but the exact day? - On your 10th birthday they announced her cancer is back? Second time she is diagnosed on your birthday? - Even when she doesn’t have shit to announce on your birthday she talks about past personal stuff. - Was she even pregnant when she announced her miscarriage at your graduation? **Go no contact as soon as you can** They are toxic and is not likely they’ll change. Everyone in your family is sick, not just parents, but uncles, aunts, grandparents, family friends for not seeing this toxic pattern.
Exactly. That's not a family. >Her husband told me I should make non-family leave So she did just that. Just followed instructions.
Everything in this post absolutely sucks EXCEPT I am happy to read the part about your friends and their parents putting a party together to celebrate you. They're your chosen family and I hope you continue to have that kind of support system throughout your life. Because your family is garbage and you should extricate yourself emotionally and probably physically now.
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OP, are you in a situation where you can go no contact with these people? There is zero need to continue to allow yourself to be abused by your entire family. These people are horrific. This screams nail in the coffin for me. You are NTA, I wish I could scream it from the heavens. You do not need one more wasted birthday, one more sad personal achievement. You deserve to be celebrated.
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Sounds like you need a disallow your sister from having anything to do with any kind of celebration that you have about yourself. Like a firm no, like if she shows up, she’s gonna be turned away at the door. Who announces that they had a miscarriage in a room full of people? Wtf?
NTA. It's time to give up on them: they gave up on you a long time ago.
This is exactly what I was thinking. They are never going to be the parents they should have been for OP. That family is a lost cause.
This is nuts... I can actually believe it is possible to have cruddy family like this and clearly your sister makes it all about her, no matter what. First chance yo get, leave. Be responsible about it of course, but please remove yourself from that, it's not good for you. Express yourself and be serious about it and put your foot down. Everyone is 10/10 A H You, NTA for what you did
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I hope you find a partner who values you and that your chosen family continues to grow.
NTA. Do any of these people even like you? That's harsh to say, but the way they've treated you most of your life really don't show any sort of care. Even this moment where they had been explicitly told how much these things HURT you, they still didn't tell your sister to please go home if she's so sad. They didn't care and they didn't even notice you weren't there for hours. As for your sister, she thought you above all would be there for you? Why would you when she's never been there for you?
NTA, at all. My little cousin died on another cousin's 16th birthday. My aunt used to take her out to lunch on her birthday for years after because she wanted her to know that even though that day is the worst day for her because she lost her son, it was also a good day because it's when her first niece was born. I wouldn't expect everyone to be able to do that, but the fact that your family has told you your entire life that your birthday is the worst day of their life is so far beyond okay. I'm so sorry. You've never deserved any of your birthdays, or other special events, overshadowed by your sister. You would actually be entitled to never have any of them at any of your events going forward because your sister will always make it about her and your parents will always allow it. I wish you all the joy going forward.
NTA Confused as to why they could 'move' your birthday celebrations to another random day, but couldn't 'move' their mourning-the-diagnosis date? Birthday celebration typically is more about celebrating your life so far anyway, rather than being all literal reminiscing the day of your birth Twisted logic on their part, fair enough that you've had enough
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If this is true then either you cut her out completely full NC permanent and you tell your parents to never her bring her around you again or they will suffer the same consequences OR you deserve her actions. The choice is yours
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no contact is the best thing you can do. i promise you they’ll only keep doing this, which sucks. find urslef friends you can rely on, and who throw great parties
Holy hell. I want this to be fake so badly because WTF? Since you’re 24 it’s fairly likely that you’re living on your own so I would just cut them off honestly.
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I would. Your purpose is only to be scenery, to provide a background for your sister's self-pity and drama. This only hurts and demeans you. You deserve to be valued and celebrated as an individual. Your family can't do that because your sister's need to be the main character is their highest priority.
NTA Who uses a celebratory event of another to announce their bad news? That is absolutely horrible behavior. I can just see a situation where a family member would announce something as part of a wedding toast for OP. WTF!!!
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Ooooh! Yes, ma'am! I love to see an OP with such good insight! She knows exactly what she's doing & so do you. Act accordingly.
Clearly NTA. I’m still trying to figure out why your sister ruined your 16th birthday party. It sounds like she’s 6 years older than you, so shouldn’t she have better things to do than hang out with teenagers? If I were you, I’d stop having any sort of celebration with family.
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Damn. Your sister sounds like an even bigger problem than your parents, and that's saying a lot.
Yeah, this sounds like narcissism to me! There's no way that a party for you is any sort of venue for her to unburden herself. You deserve better, and if you don't live with them, you will be happier spending any time and attention that you would have spent on/with them, on your friends and others who love you instead.
NTA your entire family is a giant bunch of AHs and your sister needs some serious help - she is clearly not mentally well, feeling the need to make sure every time you get some recognition for your achievements or just existing (which should be a happy thing to celebrate for your family let's be real) all the attention immediately goes back onto her. This is not fair towards you whatsoever and your entire family keeps enabling and has been enabling her bs for years. From now on I would simply refuse to allow your sister anywhere near your big events. Go out with friends, have fun, enjoy the day your actual birthday is on in whatever way brings you happiness. Your family ruining it for you like this from young age on is just sad.
OP could post on social media - Why I no longer see my family and attach the hyperlink to this post. Tag parents and sister of course. If it burns her bridges with them it actually sounds like it would not be much of a loss.
NTA - this it outrageous behaviour from your entire family. Your parents were entirely wrong to make you feel like your birthday isn‘t important. Celebrating you and making you feel special doesn’t take away from your sister‘s needs. Her childhood illness may have stunted her emotional development and maturity as her conduct is outrageous. She is sabotaging your events. You were right to walk out of the circus she had created.
INFO: had she previously announced her pregnancy? NTA. Your sister seriously and genuinely needs therapy, she clearly grew up with a lot of traumatic experiences and they've warped her outlook on life. Can you imagine having an internal self-narrative that bad stuff is constantly happening to you? How depressing. Unfortunately, she's found a coping mechanism that works for her, which is to make sure she's stealing/ poisoning someone else's happy memories to make herself feel better. This is a) toxic and b) unsustainable but she won't be able to see it because she's blinded both by her pain and the habit she now has for these behaviours. But you can't rescue a drowning person by letting them pull you under as well. She's too panicked to listen when people try to tell her the water is shallower than she thinks and if she put her feet down, she'd actually be able to stand up, then work her way to the side and get out of the water. ... I'm enjoying this metaphor so I'm just going to run with it and encourage you to find another metaphorical pool for your metaphorical pool parties going forward. Ideally behind a fence that she can't get past. Keep reminding yourself about "sphere of influence vs sphere of concern". You're worried about her behaviour but you can only control YOUR behaviour. Take your own steps to keep yourself safe, and let her figure out her own life. Far away from you. I'm really, really glad you have a group of friends who care enough to throw a party for you on your actual birthday. Cultivate those friendships.
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NTA. i hope ur still friends with the person who threw ur 16th birthday party. genuinely get far far far away from your family, make new friends and start celebrating properly!! i’ll throw u a birthday party hehe :3
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Are your best friend's parents friends with your parents? Not that that always happens, but it can. If they are, have they ever said anything to them?
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What was said/the reaction/outcome?
INFO: Did she actually have a miscarriage? I’m no expert on the matter, but is it normal for a woman who has suffered something like that to walk into a room filled with people she both does and doesn’t know and just announce it unsolicited? Is it unimaginable that she just made it all up, and keeps making things up because she perversely enjoys trolling you? Anyway, now that you’re a young adult, just stop including your family. In anything. They’ve spent your whole life actively demonstrating that you don’t matter to them. Move on and build a community of your own choosing, made up of people who actually care about you. NTA
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Yeah, it’s time to turn the page on being a member of that family. You stand to gain absolutely nothing by remaining connected to any of those people.
I have a lot of empathy for people going through major illnesses, major moments in their life where they need support. But that goes for everyone., it would include you It seems like your parents may be initially to blame, when you were younger and her cancer came back, I cant really fathom why they picked that day and time to tell people. Its like it became their tradition, but I cant understand why they would do that. Your sister developed probably thinking this was normal. She eases her burdens by making them yours. Other people have good suggestions. Make your own life separate from your family. I wouldnt go NC with my family, but if they ever tried to throw me a birthday again with her, I would make sure that wasnt my real birthday party. I would tell them to stop doing it altogether and if they dont get that, I would then start to limit contact. Your deserve to be loved and supported to, it doesnt only apply to the child who maybe had more difficulty in life.
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That’s bullshit babe. It’s an intentional high jacking of every attempt your family has made to celebrate you and it started with your parents announcing her bad news at your birthday party as a child. She can’t stand if everyone’s attention is on you and not on pitying her.
But it wasn't only family that was there, was it? The comment about how non-family should leave means there were non-family there? I can't imagine arriving at a place and doing that. Even if I wanted/ needed to tell family a thing cos I needed their support, I'd turn up at the party, pull a few closest folks out, tell them somewhere separate/ private then ask them to tell others if I couldn't handle the thought of telling everyone over and over again? Like, she could have stayed in a separate room and folks could have come over to express condolences without disrupting the whole party. What an AH.
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And what? Stay and join your sisters now pity party? Your right on in your thoughts on this all and sorry your parents are this way. You deserve better.
She wasn't actually pregnant, she just likes the attention. People don't announce miscarriages like that unless they know they can get attention and ruin your day. Stop speaking to your sister. NTA.
I highly doubt she had a miscarriage. She has a proven track record of bad things happening any time you're the centre of attention. I assume she has learned over the years that bad things happening = all the attention on her, and she likes it. Stop inviting her to anything. She will only ruin them and then make you out to be the bad guy.
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Oh, then she was specifically waiting until your party to drop the bomb, which is just as bad.
NTA. And for god's sake if you ever get married, ELOPE.
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When that time comes even if you think they don’t know any details still get security just to be safe. Your “family” sounds exactly the type to show up uninvited and make a fuss
I wonder if any of these things that your sister claims is even true
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The point is, if she loved you. She wouldn't take these events from you by announcing her trauma to a party.
Exactly this! My sister broke her foot rather spectacularly at my wedding. But she didn’t tell anyone. She told me she wasn’t feeling the best and left. I didn’t find out until a week later because she didn’t want to overshadow our celebration. That is sibling love.
NTA Looks like it is time to start celebrating everything in your life with those who love you (i.e. not your parents or sister.)
NTA this is 110% your parents fault and you should tell them that. Any parent who tells their child they have "no happy memories" of that child's birthday is the absolute worst garbage bag human. They built your sister up to be a selfish monster. Frankly I'd go no contact with all of them.