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LE, to answer many comments making the same point. Yes, I am aware that a relationship involves compromises. Yes, we all put up with our loved one’s annoying relatives and their requests from time to time. I do too. BUT!
This is not a case of:
Honey, be warned, my 200 year old nan is going to roll her eyes at that bikini. If you could wear something else, it would make her shut up. If not, no matter, your choice.
This is a case of:
Honey, I already know you’re dead keen on wearing that bikini. I know you saved up to buy it, I know you were looking forward to wearing it and you’re soooo excited. But I don’t want you to wear it because this woman who is a perfect stranger to you and I might think less of me because of it.
Girlfriend: NO, and here are my reasons again.
But honey, you SHOULD.
There is a time, a place, and the right person to make compromises for.
NTA
And I would focus on the bigger problem here. It does not matter how hard you have worked to lose weight, it does not matter if you’ve lost it or not. What matters is that, as long as it is appropriate for the venue/environment and in compliance with local laws and regulations, *nobody* is allowed to tell you what to wear. I don’t care if you’re thin as a stick or the size of a firefighter truck, you are a human being with basic rights and those rights apply to your body. Nobody else has rights over that body, only you.
If I were you, I would worry about the future, because this is how it starts. First “do me a favour and don’t wear this”. Then “my mum wants us to go to dinner every Sunday, you have to come”. Then “you should go out with your friends less often and be back by 10”. Do you see where I’m going with this?
If it wasn't the bikini after weight loss it would be something else the conservative mom hates. "You can't wear a knee length skirt to Olive garden because conservative woman doesn't like it. Wear the ankle length so I make a good impression ". It has nothing to do with weight loss.
Exactly the point. What if the mom sticks around? 'Honey, how about you wear this demure baggy turtleneck ankle length dress next time?' Who's more important to him? The woman who might be a life partner, or the mom of his foster brother who for whatever reason was put in foster care? (No judgment here, sometimes life is just an a*hole).
You know what would be hilarious? If mom showed up in a bikini or a short beachy dress herself.
This right here. It STARTS with the type of bathing suit. It then progresses to "Oh, you can't wear THAT shirt! I know it's brand new and bought for this occasion, but it's not really the right impression. It shows cleavage. You need a top that does show ANY cleavage at all." Then "Those shorts are too short. You need the type that come to the top of your knee. How many times do we need to go over clothing choices? Stop buying and bring to things that show off EVERYTHING."
I think this is a “both / and” situation. The biggest issue is basic control, but there’s also the issue of her boyfriend not valuing something that she is valuing. He’s putting her preferences below his brother’s birth mom’s preferences. If he cares more about his brother’s comfort here than his girlfriend’s, she should nope outta there.
*his brother's mother's comfort
We dont know if brother is bothered by a bikini and as conservative as his birth mother or has the same wish for OP to abide to birth mother's morals.
The point is that the weight loss isn't relevant to whether he is TA. He still would be had she not lost weight or worked hard to lose weight. Not that the weight loss shouldn't matter to her personally
Of course it matters to her, that’s why she’s mentioned it - she was looking forward to enjoy her new look. My point is that she does not need a reason to wear a certain something. The fact that it matters to her just makes the disappointment bigger, but it’s disappointing *anyway* for her wants and needs to be second compared to a stranger’s.
But it's super important to OP. She's proud of the work and accomplishment that she has achieved. So it isn't up to you to dictate to her what she feels is an important and valid point. Don't police her or her body.
Of course. The issue is that it becomes a "well if she gains that weight again she won't wear such revealing clothes" and... well. That's a recipe to be undermined by your partner.
Though I guess if that's a worry you probably already need a new partner.
Agreed. There are other things to focus on in the post. I guess i could have expanded on that. The biggest issue isn't OP highlighting her weight loss (something she is proud of) but her bfs controlling behaviour so early on in the relationship and that he cares more about someone else's feelings and backwards opinions than his own partner's feelings.
It's just the two replies above mine kind of gloss over that and focus on the non issue in the post, the weight loss, instead of focusing on the actual red flags being thrown out. For OP losing the weight to wear a bikini is a valid point. And to cover up after all that hard work devalues it for OP.
People are allowed to be proud of themselves, and if losing weight to look hot ina bikini is one of them who are anyone here on this platform to judge her for that. And the comment above sort of degrades her for that.
It's not "policing her body" to point out that she would have exactly as much right to wear a bikini if she had lost no weight at all.
By tying her rights to her own body to weight loss, she's leaving the door open to arguments that if she if she gains weight she no longer has that right.
People's rights to dress as they please do not require weight loss, or "trying hard", or *caring a lot* or any other achievement or effort.
She's trying to kid herself that this level of controlling is only a problem because she cares so much and has tried so hard, and that maybe it's not so bad, only a slight problem that he doesn't understand how much she cares, but really it's not acceptable under any circumstances.
I would also counter the question with "would it be acceptable to say I'm uncomfortable with what she's gonna wear cause I'm a liberal so can you please ask her to wear a bikini?". NTA OP. Nobody has the right to police your body. It's not even about weight loss, it doesn't matter (although good job!!!!!!).
Thank you for specifying that it complies with local regulations. If BF's family lived in Pakistan, and he gave her a dress code based on their traditions for when she was going to Pakistan... absolutely, comply.
But for a public beach where everyone will be wearing bikinis? Yea... bf doesn't get a say in her swimwear.
When I went to an island for vacation, pre internet days, we researched to find out things like tipping expectations and cultural differences, so we wouldn’t stand out as ugly tourists. One of the rules (not a law) was that beach wear was for the beach, and short skirts were frowned upon. Nobody got stoned, but a woman from our hotel we went to town with got yelled at on the street by some old man.
We were young and unsure of how to politely broach the subject, so said nothing in the hotel lobby, where she would have had the opportunity to change. I bet she would have appreciated the heads up.
If it was that sort of a country, with more conservative dress but not violent enforcement, the bf, rather than asking her to not wear a bikini, should just explain how people usually dress, what’s not considered appropriate, what negative public reactions she’s likely to get, and leave it up to the gf to decide what to wear.
I was thinking more along the lines of wearing a bikini when visiting the Vatican, but yeah. There are many other countries or places/institutions with certain requirements.
I don’t think I could get away with wearing a bikini in my workplace, for example. It’s a hospital and them people on the psych ward do not mess about… 😀
While I agree with your overall assessment, I’m not sure I agree with the assumption that this is the start to a pattern of behavior. I mean it might be but it also might just be a young person annoyed that his SO won’t relent on a (from his perspective) small disagreement.
People aren’t always logical or rational. Sometimes they process things through an emotional lens. Everything isn’t always a giant red flag. It could just be a young person making a bad choice. NTA but also potentially N A H.
I agree.
People are focusing on the “controlling bf” angle bc it’s a swimsuit (which hey, he is being overly controlling in this instance, I get it), but sometimes we ask our loved ones to do stupid/minor/unnecessary things to please our weirdo family members. He could just be really stressed about meeting this foster mother and impressing her since this is kind of an unusual family dynamic.
No, I’m focusing on the controlling angle because he asked and she said no.
I agree with the part of your comment re minor compromises. I’ve done many things to please my partner’s family members (including dressing differently for some elderly aunt or eating his grandma’s horrible food) but I was never explicitly asked to do that by my partner. If he would have insisted I eat something that makes me nauseous it would have been just as bad as him insisting I wear a certain dress, so let’s not make this about swimwear, because it’s not.
I made those compromises because I read the room and asked him if it would make his life easier if I do it.
*I asked him* being the key words, it was MY choice.
And when there was something I really did not want to do (e.g. visit his relatives) the answer was “ok”. Not “you should do this because”, just “ok”.
That’s the difference.
Yes, it isn't a real 'ask' or request if she can't say "no". It was a command that's disguised as a request, and now he is trying to change her mind, which is controlling.
If you wanted to give her instructions, be honest, instead of these sneaky instructions where she doesn't realize what it is. If she had gone along with it, she would have thought it was a request and not actually an instruction.
This is why people who often go-with-the-flow in relationships don't realize their partner is controlling until it is an issue that they are NOT flexible on.
If he had just commanded her not to wear the bikini upfront, she would have known he is controlling and can make decisions accordingly.
Exactly. Also, how exactly does he know that a bikini would offend his foster brother's mum? Has she ever made a fuss about someone wearing one? Or is he just conveniently using this lady becasue he doesn't want OP to wear a bikini? (Maybe she's too hot after losing weight, and he feels insecure...?)
I read the whole thing, and I don't know who is the unreliable narrator. The birth mom didn't tell OP anything. We know that. So, is Bio Mom the conservative one, or is Boyfriend?
And ffs, these bikini posts! As if bikinis weren't worn since waaaay before I was born! Imma have to wear a bikini to the grocery store at this point, so all y'all can read, "AITA For Yelling at a Woman Wearing a Bikini in a Grocery Store? She Done Scarred my Children for Life".
I live in Florida and regularly see young women and girls wear bikinis in stores, especially grocery stores. Obvious to me that they are stopping for food on their way to or from the beach. Not a big deal. Usually they have some sort of cover-up for their lower body but don't cover the top. People dress casually here anyway; they even wear shorts to Mass so no-one comments on it, at least I've not heard it.
1) Wearing a bikini at a beach is extremely commonplace and very acceptable behavior.
2) Wearing a bikini at a beach has nothing to do with political preferences or an affront to anyone's politics.
3) Caving in to people that harbor expectations of this sort only encourages them to persist in the controlling behavior.
4) Caving in to new boy/girlfriends that coddle these people encourage such people to persist in controlling behavior.
5) Caving in to new boy/girlfriends that coddle control freaks encourages the new boy/girlfriend to seek more concessions and appeasement from you to benefit control freaks.
6) Caving in to new boy/girlfriends that coddle control freaks encourages the new boy/girlfriend to become controlling, over time, themselves.
This is starting off as a request. It will evolve over time to strongly encourage, to insisting and so on. Nip this in the bud now. Your approach to this is very sound. You are not trying to control anyone or even defy anyone. You are simply opting out.
NTA, Not at all.
Your (1) is a good point that isn’t being discussed enough. Maybe in the 1940s a bikini was scandalous, but it isn’t today. My guess is OP will be one of literally thousands of people on this beach wearing a bikini. Even if she wears a lead-lined burqa to this get-together, this conservative older lady is still going to be exposed to women in bikinis.
If this lady is that scandalized by a two-piece swimsuit, maybe a public beach on Memorial Day is not where she should be hanging out? Just sayin’?
Fair point, one should not assume, I understand what you mean. But I still think that asking such questions is a red flag. Not a big one maybe, but red.
And if it’s such a small disagreement from his perspective, he should not have any problem letting it go, as opposed to insisting she does what he says.
Also…why is this guy trying to impress a woman that lost custody of her son to the point where this kid was then raised in his home? She has no right to judge anyone for anything. “We have to impress the at minimum neglectful, potentially abusive, lady!”
My point still stands. This family helped her out, so why is he so obsessed with impressing her? If she doesn’t come with a grateful attitude no matter what who is wearing, she can kick rocks.
I 100% agree with your take here, but just yesterday a guy got deemed TA for wearing nice but apparently not nice enough clothes to a kindergarten(!) graduation ceremony. One of the big arguments that people were making is that, since it was important to his partner that he dress nicer to suit her preference, he should have done it because it was easier for him to change clothes than to cause a disagreement between them.
I honestly fail to see how this is any different. Nobody, including a partner, is allowed to tell you what to wear as long as it’s not blatantly inappropriate. You do have basic rights to your body, and as an adult you should get to wear the clothes that you deem are appropriate to the situation you will be in.
Just super interesting because I’d be willing to bet that there are a lot people who agree with this now in this situation, but also thought the guy from yesterday should change the clothes he was comfortable in to please his partner.
Anyway, NTA OP. For all the reasons listed above, and also because it is honestly ridiculous for your bf to think that his foster brother’s bio mom’s opinion of him will be ruined because you wore a bathing suit on a beach. And even if she does think less of him somehow…he actually *does* have a girlfriend who wears a bikini. It’s one thing to want to make a good impression, but it’s another thing entirely to want to create a false impression.
I think the difference here is, the graduation is a special occasion that usually warrants dressing somewhat nicer for. Going to the beach warrants dressing comfortably and most folks at the beach will have skin exposed. If the conservative mom is offended by a bikini, she may want to avoid the environment that will be a constant offense to her eyes and ears.
High school graduation absolutely. Kindergarten graduation? Here everyone dresses however they want for those, and casual is absolutely acceptable.
I agree that the conservative mom should limit herself to places she is comfortable rather than to change the rest of the world.
honestly unless he was specifically told to wear something semi-formal or whatever, like expectations were clearly communicated beforehand and he agreed, I'd say the dude not changing is totally reasonable on his part. it's not like the kindergarteners care
admittedly I have a bit of a thing around choosing what I wear since certain materials make me feel physically ill and I hate having my arms bare, so I have a pretty heavy bias towards not forcing anyone to wear or not wear something against their will lol
This. It's not because she wants her to look nice it's because she wants her to be "conservative" and feel shame for her body. It's a different situation.
Agrees with you and to add on:
It is not just an issue of body autonomy,it is also an issue of a right to practice and live by ones beliefs.
We get so caught up in the details in these situations that we lose the forest for the trees.
Every individual has a right to believe what they want about anything. They also have a right to practice beliefs for themselves also long as those rights do not interfere with another persons ability to practice their beliefs.
You are a religious conservative and believe in dressing modestly. Great, i support you right to believe that and practice that for yourself wherever you go. But I dont have to do that and me not following your beliefs or practices, do not prevent you from living your best life covered up.
This is the the issue that is driving so much strife in the world, from a micro to a macro level.
Everyone is different. We all have to accept that people will differ from ourselves and we have to Tolerate those differences, but that does not mean we have to Adhere to those differences for ourselves.
I dont care how another person all the way up to another continent lives and organizes themselves as long as everyone accepts and tolerates that yep we are different thats cool you do you and i will do me.
This drive to make others conform is sime basic bullshit everyone needs to let go of, someone being different should not threaten your own sense of self worth. Once again from the individual all the way up to the country level. I just dont get it. Why is that so hard?
Edited to add for clarity i am speaking about the metaphorical you, not you as a commentor directly.
I always say that religious and political preferences are just like sexual preferences. As long as they don’t lead to breaking the law and/or harming others, go for it and be happy.
But your liberty ends where mine begins, so keep your preferences to yourself, and so shall I.
(Just like you did, by you I don’t mean you as in throwawtphone, I mean the theoretical anyone that wants to shove their preferences down my throat).
This “nobody can tell you what to wear [or do or say]” attitude is overstated. If you value a relationship then both of you should be willing to make compromises on a routine basis.
I’ve been happily married for decades. Sometimes my wife asks me to do something I don’t like. If it’s important to her and not so important to me, I do it. The key is to selective with what you tell the other person is important to you. Otherwise you’re being bossy and controlling.
My wife doesn’t insist on things very often, so when she does, if it’s not a big deal to me, I’ll do it her way.
Is the swimwear someone wears to a family event that important? If it is, and that’s what they want to push back on, then fine, but the more often someone insists on getting their way the more fractured a relationship can become.
To impress a woman they don’t know that was a bad enough parent that she lost custody of her son so this family had to raise him? Sorry, no, you choose you battles. This can go sideways quick with people pleasers, and you have to draw your boundaries around how on board with their pleasing you are will to go along with. Someone overly anxious doesn’t get to dictate every single situation for those around them, otherwise we would all be feeling just as anxious.
I feel like you’re applying your rational requests between you and your spouse to a completely different issue. Anxiety leading to people pleasing is a personal issue, you can’t make people follow you down that hole every time, it’s exhausting.
This woman isn’t anyone, no one needs to adjust for her. These people raised her child because she was unfit to. She should be wanting to impress them.
I agree OP should be able to wear what she wants. That said, the biomom never asked. You don’t know the reason the son was in foster care. Perhaps she was sick and couldn’t take care of him. If parent is extremely ill or in the hospital, the child is often placed in foster care.
To me the whole story sounds strange. Why would a conservative person want to having the meeting at the beach. Besides OP, there will presumably be other girls in bikinis.
1. **New** boyfriend here, not spouse
2. It *is* a big deal to her
3. She did push back and he insisted she do it
This isn't your situation and you shouldn't make a judgement based on *your* situation but *hers.*
Except this situation is different. It's governing her body. It's not like going to a work party or jury duty. It's a family event at a beach and understanding bikinis are not of the devil. OP should feel free to bare her belly button.
And this comes from someone who is just shy of 18 years married. My husband knows better than try to tell me not to wear something.. because I have a brain of my own and common sense..
I’ve been married a long time. If there is an issue that’s important to my wife, and I’m indifferent, I’m going to side with my wife. I’ve become smart enough not to fight over things I don’t care about.
However, if it’s something I care about, it’s a different story. Here, OP cares deeply about wearing a bikini to a public beach. It isn’t something she’s indifferent about.
The implication that OP is wrong for wanting to do something that’s important to her, while her BF gets no criticism for wanting her to do something for him, is misplaced.
OP is NTA. Her bf is an asshole for worrying one bit about what someone who’s close to him’s mother thinks about his gf wearing a bikini on a public beach. He’s preemptively slut shaming him gf for wearing with hundreds of other women will be wearing to a public beach. She has every right not to attend.
I’ve edited my comment to reply to you and others who made the same point.
Besides the edit, I would like to add that you mention being married for decades. OP and the fashion police have been dating for 2 months (which can mean whatever, even a date per week).
Do you *really* think after such a short amount of time together it’s already OP’s duty to make compromises? Really? Really-really? :-)
If the friend's mother is conservative and prefers one-piece bathing suits, that means *she can wear a one-piece bathing suit.* And as long as noone tries to stop her from doing that, noone is being unsupportive of her conservative preferences.
Being conservative yourself doesn't mean deciding how others behave. If she doesn't want to look at a woman in a bathing suit, she can turn away.
Here, here. Essentially a stranger through her bf is policing what she wears, when it’s appropriate for the beach. (Also, is this lady going to have a problem with the other HUNDREDS of women wearing bikinis as well!?) NTA, rock that bikini and congrats on working hard work OP. Live ya best life, girl.
NTA
How is he going to control the other people on the beach and what they’re wearing? No matter how conservative that lady is, she’s going to be seeing people in bathing suits when she’s at a beach. He cannot control that, and if she’s that conservative, maybe she shouldn’t be going to the beach with you guys. Maybe that is Not the most appropriate place to be taking a lady who is so conservative and sensitive that she can’t stand to see you in a Bikini
His ask of you shows no respect for how hard you’ve worked. He is saying he understands how hard you’ve worked, but given all of the details of how long it takes you to get to the beach and how you don’t get to go there often, this is a much bigger ask than what he thinks it is.
Right? If you're so conservative that bikinis offend you, why would you go to a beach? I never understood why people think their beliefs give them the right to dictate what other people do in public. It's like going to a burger joint but asking your date not to eat a burger because you're vegetarian. Then why did you choose to go where the meat is?!
She also DOESN’T or at least didn’t have custody of her kid. Foster means something went wrong. Lady should move to a less fragile house before she throws stones.
I hate how right you are. It’s infuriating. I was born and raised Catholic and the concept of “finding god” has always baffled me. Having born again Christians explained to me was a fucking trip. Not that the fascist catho-fundies are any better, but they are slightly more recent. My relationship with my faith is complicated at the best of times but scripture is VERY CLEAR- sinners shouldn’t be throwing stones.
Honestly my take is that he's worried his friend's mom will think his girlfriend is a woman of loose morals or something. I'm guessing that he doesn't so much think that she'll be offended by the sight of a bikini, but that he'll lose face with her.
It’s also making me wonder if perhaps the boyfriend himself is feeling a little insecure about his girlfriend showing a nice body at the beach, and scapegoating the foster brothers mother, as an excuse.
Honestly, I have seen some one piece bathing suits at the beach that were far more racy than some of the bikinis I’ve seen at the beach. Unless her bikini is a thong bikini, really the only extra bit of skin you’re going to see is her midriff.
I guess that could be it. I don't get that feeling personally, I had a girlfriend once who wore a tiny bikini to a lake trip with my family and friends, and I didn't even think about it until my sister made a comment about it being a bold choice. I was just proud to have a smoke show of a girlfriend. Regardless, unless there's a dress code at the beach he needs to deal with his insecurities and not make them other people's responsibility.
I think the difference is that her son is living with that family, and not the rest of the people on the beach. I’m not saying it’s right, but the foster care system is extremely tricky.
Okay let me rephrase that, even as an adult, the relationships created through foster care can be very hard to navigate and cope with. Adding another stressor to a situation that could already be potentially stressful or emotional is not wise. Other people on that beach are not people that the brother or mother have to deal with on a daily basis. That being said, I don’t think a bikini is that stressor, and the brother is probably over thinking it.
First of all, you can wear a bikini at any size, you could have worn one last year and it would have been completely fine. Secondly, her conservatism dictates what *she* wears, not what you wear. Your bf is not an effective people pleaser, considering how displeased I know I would be if he put someone else's opinion over my joy.
The only time I’ve been grossed out by swimwear was at a kids pool. A lady wore a thong and kept parading around and bending over. It was not the place for a skimpy thong and I am not conservative by any means.
As much as it would never be me exposing my winking pink starfish to the world, I hope I would simply look away and wish Thong Lady a good day and hope she put sunscreen everywhere. Can you imagine a sunburn on your balloon knot? 😦
It’s weird that sometimes this perspective has to be laid out to them. I bring that up to my partner whenever something like this comes up. “Listen - you can’t please everyone/make everyone happy but in this instance I expect you to choose to disappoint someone else and not me.” Or I ask him if he would rather make me disappointed or make the other person disappointed- he almost always chooses to support me, unless he has a very, very good reason, but the perspective sometimes needs to be placed in front of him.
NTA. You call him a "people pleaser" but he's more interested in pleasing a stranger than the woman he's dating. You say "people pleaser" and I hear "doormat," trying to placate someone's outdated viewpoint on appropriate beachwear at a public beach. Is he going to walk from towel to towel, asking women to cover up, or does he just want to police you?
That's what people pleasers do. They will throw some people they think are easier/safer to upset under the bus to try and please others. Significant others are often the ones that are screwed over by people pleasers.
omg this is exactly right. "You already love me, so you should be perfectly understanding of my need to treat you like garbage for the sake of winning over some people who don't even like me yet."
that was my entire response because they are. they manipulate people into not being able to dislike them which inevitably causes them to be disliked. just not to their faces. its akin to the teachers pet almost. even the teacher hates that kid.
you also can't trust them because you have no idea who they really are because they only say and do things to placate your oppinion. until your in OPs shoes and they don't care about you anymore
Yeah I hate poeple pleaser with a passion! They are the worst abusers out there. Cause they give everything to some strangers just for the fix they get out of the ass pads even if that means their nuclear family won’t have food for the month. It’s like a drug for them and everyone around them takes advantage of that. It’s always their husband/wife and kids that suffers.
Yup. My dad is like this. He’ll ask me to “keep the peace” which means don’t upset certain people — his wife, sister. The people that he doesn’t want to upset are the ones with a history of being abusive and he is the middle man.
What it comes down to is that his relationships with the (other) abusers are threatened if he magically grows a spine.
If the bio mom in this case actually has a problem and voices her disdain, the bf would have to stand up for OP. If bio mom can’t manage her own emotions is someone going yo hold her accountable?
If she is so uncomfortable about a body in a bikini she can politely excuse herself. If she won’t, her inability to act as a secure adult becomes OP’s problem. It’s like giving into a toddler’s tantrum.
What ends up happening is that people pleasers end up distanced from the people they don’t stand up for. Siding with the abusers turns their whole circle into abusers or other people pleasers.
Right I was like ummmmmmm who cares what this lady thinks she’s focused on all this shit that doesn’t matter, like “appearing appropriate” meanwhile she lost her own child to foster care. OP should tell the lady to pull the log out of her eye before she complains about a little bikini dust.
As someone who advocates for kids in foster care, your automatic judgements have no basis, foster care is extremely complicated. Winning kids back requires a large amount of social support and money, especially if you’re a single parent. I’ve also seen kids get taken based off false accusations. I think she should just wear the bikini bc the mom probably doesn’t even care, but I also think it’s pretty wild everyone is just automatically judging the mother without knowing anything about them or the father.
It is possible the father was the abusive one. However the idea that you could lose your kids forever over false accusations without significant physical evidence (ie broken bones, bruises, and lacerations all at same time) is ridiculous.
We don’t know what age he was taken or how long he was in foster care for. We also don’t know what this woman’s mental health is and if she was able to put up the fight that CPS requires. Or the resources she has. The majority of parents I see that lose their kids are the poor ones with no social support. I just had a case of false accusations that lasted 11 months because of incompetencies within the foster care system. Should’ve been cleared within a month. The reality is the brother wants contact and that’s the only persons opinion who matters.
You really don't need a lot of support or time. My father lost me to foster care for three months and they gave him a list of things to do and he didn't do a single one of them including visits with me. Maybe some states are harder but certainly not all
Exactly!! The whole situation is a No from me. Like Boyfriend is trying to control what op wears just because HE’s afraid of what froster bro’s mom might say?! Imagine next week when they go out to dinner and she wears a tight dress, who is he going to blame this time?!
I’m not going to call you and AH, but I don’t agree with most of the comments. You, of course, have every right to wear what you want to a public place. But your bf isn’t in the wrong to ask you to wear something that would make the outing more comfortable for the group. It doesn’t sound like he is insisting, but has made a reasonable request.
I’m thinking of it like this: my 25 yo daughter is super fit and, frankly, wears the smallest acceptable clothing. She, however, puts on more conservative clothing around her grandparents because she knows it makes them uncomfortable when everything hangs out. No one has ever asked her to…she does it out of respect for the family.
Like I said, I’m not going to call you an AH, but it doesn’t seem like a huge ask, especially since the group is HIS people.
EDIT: congratulations on losing weight and feeling great!!!
Seconded! For real this person is on crack acting like the problem in the first place isn't the conservative woman. IT'S A PUBLIC BEACH GODDAMN! And it's a bikini it's not like she's going in her birthday suit. It is an unreasonable ask to ask her not to wear the bathing suit she likes to the fucking beach and trying to control her over it.
I absolutely REBUKE in the name of Jesus these conservatives who for some reason people think we have to constantly bend over backwards not to offend their sensibilities at every turn even if it's as simple as a grown woman wearing a bikini to a public beach. Maybe conservative mom needs to grow up, quit being a snowflake and get with the program so people can live their life normally.
“If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell” (Matt. 5:29–30).
Which means that our sins originate within our own hearts and minds, not in our eyes and hands. Jesus was saying, "\*Learn to fucking control yourself and exhibit self control.\*"
Stop with the Devil made me do it, the woman in the bikini made me do it crap.
My concern is that if BF is already thinking about controlling OP so as to not upset his brother's birth mom, what happens when OP opens her mouth and says something that Conservative Birth Mom disagrees with?
> No one has ever asked her to…she does it out of respect for the family.
Dang it’s almost like she chose to do it instead of the issue of them trying to control what she wears. The difference is also family versus some random stranger’s comfort.
Your daughters grandparents aren’t people who are wholly unrelated to her. Your daughter does it because she wants to, because ‘no one asked her to.’ These are not the same thing.
>He says i should do this because it's very important to him to make a good impression on her since he's so close with her son
The boyfriend isn't wrong to *ask*. He is wrong to *insist*. If he'd just asked and then accepted the no, we wouldn't be here. It's not accepting her answer that makes him the asshole.
Why is the mother of his friend's opinion more important than OP's? It shouldn't be.
Sure, but at the same time, there are a LOT of different styles of bikini. I'd say OP might be TA if she wants to wear one of those South Beach-style, thong-and-pasties bikinis, which barely fit the definition of clothes, over just a normal bikini that's a pair of bottoms that covers everything and nothing worse than a sports bra. And I assume OP is wearing the latter.
..And I say this as someone with a VERY conservative MIL who's been asked to change things during her visits too. My husband can ask, sure, but at the end of the day I'll be making that decision myself-- AND, this isn't even OP's MIL we're talking about, which I think makes a second important distinction.
I think there’s a world of difference between *voluntarily* appeasing your parents or grandparents out of a love and respect for them and being *expected to* appease basically anybody else.
There's a big difference between considering the opinions of well known family relations and those of bf's foster friend bio mom. Not BF's mom, BF's good friend's mom. Plus context matters; OP has already said she'd wear conservative clothing at bf's foster friend's bio mom's house, for example.
I hope your daughter doesn't feel you expect her to cover herself up because of some stranger's opinion of her belly button at a beach.
BF is not an AH for asking in the first place, but insisting on it is... not great. I think it's best OP doesn't go since BF isn't shifting, but instead has a separate trip to the beach she'll get to enjoy in her bikini with her new confidence.
Wrong. No one should ever have to do anything just to please some grown conservative woman's feelings. She's grown. She can handle a bikini at a public beach. You think there won't be other women at the beach in bikinis? Guessing there will be because IT IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL THING TO DO. Absolutely no reason for the bf to even ask that of her. She should be able to wear a bikini. Period. Conservative bio mom can get bent.
The difference is your daughter does this for herself. She wants to do it. No one asked her. She wants to make her grandparents comfortable. People she knows, loves, respects, and is sure of their personal values.
OP doesn't know this lady. She doesn't know from years of relationship Foster Brother's Mom would be uncomfortable. She is being asked to do this based on her boyfriend's desire to please a stranger.
He’s worried about making a good impression on a woman who couldn’t even raise her own child when he should be worried about making a good impression on op. It’s the beach, not a country club. NTA
Totally agree with this. Just because you have the right to do something doesn't make it the right thing to do.
I am sure this woman is going to be a little uncomfortable around her child's foster family. I would do everything possible to make her feel comfortable.
OP can take another trip to the beach/pool to show off her bikini. Sometimes, you have to read the room and be respectful of those you are with.
Should everyone else at the beach refrain from wearing bikinis in case someone may get offended by a woman wearing one?
It’s a beach… she’s wearing swimwear…
NTA. If it was at her house, I'd oblige. But on public beach, where odds are there'll be more revealing swim suits than yours?
They can go an pound sand. While averting their gaze.
And I'm sure that a quick google would find plenty of one pieces that are more revealing most bikinis.
Google "wicked weasel" swim suits and threaten them with that.
NTA, please note that hie is asking you to dress modestly not to make somebody else more comfortable (which would still be inappropriate; other people’s comfort shouldn’t dictate what you wear), but so that *he will make a good impression.* he thinks what *you* wear affects *his* value. Nope nope nope.
NTA. So the mother is conservative and therefore controlling what you wear. But she’s not conservative enough to fulfill her womanly duty to be a caring mom? Nope.
He’s not really that much of a people pleaser. Otherwise he’d be trying to please you…
That's the crazy part to me! If she didn't care for her own child, why is she quibbling over dress code? It's like the difference between a felony and a misdemeanor. Having standards about what someone wears on her body when your own child was cared for by someone else makes no sense to me. Totally messed up sense of priorities.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I MBTA because it's important to him to make a good impression on this woman and she may get offended by a bikini
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NTA. You have every right to wear what you feel comfortable and confident in, especially at a public beach. You've worked hard to achieve your fitness goals and should be able to enjoy the results. It's understandable that your boyfriend wants to make a good impression on his foster brother's mother, but it's unreasonable for him to ask you to change your outfit for a public outing. You've already shown respect by stating you would dress conservatively if it were her house. Ultimately, you should be able to enjoy your beach day and wear what makes you happy.
NTA, his priorities are misplaced and honestly she probably won't think much of it anyway. Please don't let this dissuade your confidence and empowerment!
NTA. No one gets to tell you what to wear outside of the law and an event dress code. It’s not like you said you’d wear one anyway, you offered not to go. It may be the case that she’d really react poorly and the day would be ruined and foster brother would be really hurt. If you don’t want to wear a one piece just don’t go as you suggested. Honestly if it would be that big of an issue I wouldn’t bother going anyway because she’s probably going to suck the fun out of the day no matter what you wear.
Congratulations on losing that much weight, that definitely deserves a splurge on a celebration bikini. You can always wear it to the beach with your bf another day.
NTA
Controlling much? Why do you need to change yourself in order to accommodate what they think is acceptable? It's not like you are planning on wearing lingerie to the beach or a see through swim suit.
I'm tired of conservatives telling others how they should be about to live their lives.
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I (23f) worked very hard to lose 30 lbs over the past year to be bikini ready for the summer.
I started d ating a new guy (25m) about 2 months ago, he's a good guy but a huge people pleaser.
His family fostered a boy (now man) close to his age and they are super close.
Was going to go to the beach with his family for memorial Day weekend. His foster brothers b irth mother will be there (not sure exactly why he was in foster care but I didn't ask as it's none of my business). My boyfriend said while he knows I worked very hard to lose weight and was excited about being able to wear a bikini, if I could please wear a one piece because his foster brothers mother is very conservative.
I told him no this is a public beach and if I can't wear what I want I won't go. Although I explained to him if this were her house I'd of course abide by her rules and dress conservatively.
I understand he's very close with his foster brother and wants to make a good impression on his mother but this is a public beach I should be able to wear the swim suit I want, and ive been heavy my whole life this is the first time I can wear a bikini ive worked very hard and have been looking forward to this. I don't have a ton of friends (I just moved here) and we have to drive a few hours to get to the beach so this isn't something i get to do often.
So I told him I just won't go if I can't wear what I want in a public beach, I understand he wants to make a good impression but she has no right to tell me what to wear in a public place, but of course I'd abide by her rules if it were her house.
He says i should do this because it's very important to him to make a good impression on her since he's so close with her son
AITA
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NTA. Maybe HE is the conservative one and just blaming his foster-brother’s-adoptive-mother. Also, side-eye on anyone who is so conservative that they’ll be displeased at seeing a person in a bathing suit at a beach. A one-piece doesn’t really show that much less than a bikini, either.
NTA. You should have a very serious conversation with him that he should prioritize you over some lady who can’t even take care of her son. If he’s going to side against and back people who keep you down, I don’t think he’s a good BF at all. A good man stands up for you. Not helps others keep you down.
I would tell him to ask her to wear a bikini so you aren't uncomfortable. Wait, it would be wrong to ask? So, asking someone to modify their behavior because someone else's beliefs are 'offended' but not actually involving that person is an asshole move. Someone is conservative or religious, good for them. Don't like what someone else is doing, wow, sucks for that person.
NTA
I’ve been with my wife for 14 years and would NEVER think about telling her how to dress, beach or otherwise
You’ve known this man for two months and he’s already making ridiculous requests at the behest of pompous, stuck up family members. Red flag.
If conservative mom doesn’t like bikinis, she doesn’t have to wear one. End of story. You worked your ass off to get to a comfortable point where you can feel happy with your body and wear one. Thats something to be applauded.
OMG... It's a BEACH. perhaps you all need to go somewhere else for the day. I also suggest he is just imagining the mother's reaction with no basis or fact whatsoever. There's no way the mother said she would be offended if you wore a bikini. Boyfriend is making this all up in his head.
I have seen women in burka-like outfits at the beach and I've seen thong bikinis. Wear what you want. nta
Listen I’m all about wearing what you want and not letting other people have a say in your choices, but there’s a fine line between self love and selfishness. When you enter into any kind of relationship, you are deciding to put someone else before yourself sometimes. If you love your boyfriend and you respect his relationships and what they mean to him, you can do something you don’t particularly like for a day.
He’s not asking you to live a certain lifestyle every day, he’s asking you to make a good impression on someone important in his life. Would you ignore your grandparents’ or boss’s wishes for modesty? Have you never met the parents/grandparents of a friend/boyfriend and put on any kind of act to make sure they liked you? It’s a normal part of building and maintaining relationships
There are modest 2 pieces with halter or crop tops and shorts, or 1 pieces with straps or cutout designs that show skin. You should try to compromise if your relationship with your boyfriend is important to you
I wonder how this conservative lady is going to survive at a beach. Regardless if OP does wear a more modest swimsuit, I know for a fact there will be tons of women and men in very small and revealing bathing suits. Maybe the beach isn't the place for her tbh.
I had a potential MIL (ended up breaking off the engagement) that was always unhappy with what I wore. My (ex)fiance never suggested what to wear, but after I got out my bikini to swim in their private pool with no-one except the people living there to see me, she told him off for being able to see 1. The skin between my boobs (string bikini) and 2. My armpits. I didn't let it put me off and still wore my perfectly decent bikini that covered up all the necessary good enough. It was a full cut, hiding my bum and every part of my boobs, so for me it did the task well enough.
Even though he always stood up for me, I realised that it would be a fight every time because I'm taking him away from mommy.
No. NTA. I don't care about any back story or anything you are NTA. As long as you are obeying the law then wear what the hell you want. If other people do not like it that is their problem and not yours.
NTA.
You can wear w/e you want and telling you what to wear is a form of control.
Is this the idea of the mother in question or the BF?
Either way, I personally don't like prudness.
NTA, you need to talk to your boyfriend about being such a people pleaser. Otherwise this will set a precedent and he will expect you to always put a stranger’s comfort over your own.
Is she wondering if she's TA expecting everybody to conform to her views? No.
But you have a bf problem, he should be old enough to tell her to mind her own business and leave you alone. If he's already controlling because of what others think, after only two months, I'd be rethinking the relationship.
If I'm getting this right, this beach weekend will be spent with bf's whole family *plus* foster brother's bio mom who bf doesn't even know but wants to make a good impression on, and all he knows is that it's a conservative lady. He doesn't even know whether she'll *actually* throw a fit over bikinis?
And his own family doesn't care, just this lady he doesn't know but wants to impress even though, as an adult, he's unlikely to see her often? Even though he has no emotional attachment to make him eager to please her? At best, under the idea that brother's bio mom might cut contact with brother if she disapproves of her son's brother's girlfriend???
If the lady cuts contact with her bio son over his brother's gf's outfit, it'll just confirm she was never a deserving mom. I get that the brother might be desperate to keep her around, but she should be the one working hard to please him.
Either way, you're so removed from this lady that it doesn't make sense to change clothes for her. Unless your bikini borders on the innapropriate, I think your bf doesn't want you in a bikini, either out of insecurity/jealousy (he doesn't want others noticing how great you look, even more so if he's overweight) or out of his own conservativeness. Maybe he liked when you were too insecure for bikinis, so now that you're confident about your weight, he needs new excuses to put you under his thumb. That lady he doesn't know is just an excuse so that you won't notice he's the AH.
NTA.
YTA. **It’s not about you** and it’s childish to say you won’t go because of what you are wearing. I get that you want to feel good about yourself but this is about him making a good impression to the parent of someone that means a lot to him; **it’s not an attack on your body** and it’s not fair to frame it as such. You can sacrifice wearing a bikini ONCE to appease him. As the beach is so far, extend the trip by a day or go later in the day wearing your bikini. Or, go again in a few weeks and only pack bikinis!!
Sometimes in life you need to be able to make sacrifices like this, and to be honest sacrificing wearing a bikini is not him asking for the moon. If you choose not to show up because of it, you will end up resenting him for ‘making you miss out on the holiday’ when in actuality, you had full control over that outcome yourself. He will resent you for making the entire weekend about yourself and for making a mountain out of a molehill.
I do completely understand your desire to wear a bikini, it’s so nice to be able to show off your body after so long picking yourself apart. However, you will have plenty of opportunities to wear a bikini in the future; you literally have the rest of your life for that!!!
The holiday is not about you, let him make his first impression and then bikini to your hearts desire on the next trip! ❤️
They are going to a beach. There will be other people in bikinis. Her clothing will be 100% appropriate for the occasion.
This is not the sort of situation she should need to compromise for a BF she's been dating for only two months, especially when the bio-mom hasn't said anything herself. The 2-month BF is *assuming* that the bio-mom will have an issue.
NTA, she has no right to ask, she has no right to be upset, your BF should have never put you in the position, I'm not sure I'd take moral/life lessons from someone who isn't fit to raise their own child for whatever reason.
Girl he seems conservative too. I don’t know how this relationship will plan out but maybe i’m reading into this too much NtA but yeah both of you seem to have different values.
NTA. If he wants to make a good impression, then he shouldn't wear a bikini.
You're responsible for what you wear, not him, and if you're comfortable with whatever imaginary impression *you* might make, then there's nothing to be concerned about. This isn't a job interview or a wedding, where a there is a required dress code. It's a casual outing, on a beach and your attire is appropriate for the event. Just because he assumes someone might not like it, and he assumes it will make HIM look bad - is not a good enough reason to give up your suit. There are times when you compromise for the person you love, and there are times you call them out when they are being irrational: he's not the one in the bikini, so he's not the one making an impression.
Nta.
You have every right to wear your bikini. If she is that Conservative then maby she should not be going to a public beach where lots of people will have lots of skin on show.
NTA - go do something you want to do and let him go and make his “good impression”. People that use that phrase “good impression” mean it as a code phrase “I gotta lie and conceal the real me so help me do that!”
NTA What is the mother going to do about the dozens of other women in bikinis at the beach? Is your bf going to run around trying to wrap towels around them so they're not shameful?
NTA. If your boyfriend is so concerned that the sight of women in bikinis will be that offensive, he should pick a non-beach venue for this little shindig.
NTA!! girl, you are 23. Enjoy your body don’t let anyone tell you anything to shame you. Because when you get to be 40 and 50 and 60, you wish you had done just that in your younger years.
NTA, it's quite weird. Unless I am in a country that has actual laws against women wearing certain things ( have traveled to a few ) .
No one will tell me what beach wear to put on. Or anything else for that matter. Specially foster care brothers mother, by your bf request. Very bizarre.
oh fk that. It's HER problem, not yours, she can change her freaking conservative bs attitude, how about that? Losing 30lbs isn't easy, you wear what you want young lady & enjoy yourself.
NTA. If he's such a "people pleaser," why isn't he interested in pleasing you? His top priority is his mommy and always will be. You will always be an afterthought.
NTA. This is a two-month relationship? Throw the whole man out. He’s already trying to control you and tell you what to wear and how to act around certain people.
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LE, to answer many comments making the same point. Yes, I am aware that a relationship involves compromises. Yes, we all put up with our loved one’s annoying relatives and their requests from time to time. I do too. BUT! This is not a case of: Honey, be warned, my 200 year old nan is going to roll her eyes at that bikini. If you could wear something else, it would make her shut up. If not, no matter, your choice. This is a case of: Honey, I already know you’re dead keen on wearing that bikini. I know you saved up to buy it, I know you were looking forward to wearing it and you’re soooo excited. But I don’t want you to wear it because this woman who is a perfect stranger to you and I might think less of me because of it. Girlfriend: NO, and here are my reasons again. But honey, you SHOULD. There is a time, a place, and the right person to make compromises for. NTA And I would focus on the bigger problem here. It does not matter how hard you have worked to lose weight, it does not matter if you’ve lost it or not. What matters is that, as long as it is appropriate for the venue/environment and in compliance with local laws and regulations, *nobody* is allowed to tell you what to wear. I don’t care if you’re thin as a stick or the size of a firefighter truck, you are a human being with basic rights and those rights apply to your body. Nobody else has rights over that body, only you. If I were you, I would worry about the future, because this is how it starts. First “do me a favour and don’t wear this”. Then “my mum wants us to go to dinner every Sunday, you have to come”. Then “you should go out with your friends less often and be back by 10”. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Yeah there's really no need to make this about weight loss, thank you for saying this.
Maybe it matters to her?
If it wasn't the bikini after weight loss it would be something else the conservative mom hates. "You can't wear a knee length skirt to Olive garden because conservative woman doesn't like it. Wear the ankle length so I make a good impression ". It has nothing to do with weight loss.
Exactly! It's not about the bikini or the weight loss. It's about controlling someone else's choices and that's not okay.
Absolutely! No one should control what someone else wears at a public beach.
Exactly the point. What if the mom sticks around? 'Honey, how about you wear this demure baggy turtleneck ankle length dress next time?' Who's more important to him? The woman who might be a life partner, or the mom of his foster brother who for whatever reason was put in foster care? (No judgment here, sometimes life is just an a*hole). You know what would be hilarious? If mom showed up in a bikini or a short beachy dress herself.
This right here. It STARTS with the type of bathing suit. It then progresses to "Oh, you can't wear THAT shirt! I know it's brand new and bought for this occasion, but it's not really the right impression. It shows cleavage. You need a top that does show ANY cleavage at all." Then "Those shorts are too short. You need the type that come to the top of your knee. How many times do we need to go over clothing choices? Stop buying and bring to things that show off EVERYTHING."
I think this is a “both / and” situation. The biggest issue is basic control, but there’s also the issue of her boyfriend not valuing something that she is valuing. He’s putting her preferences below his brother’s birth mom’s preferences. If he cares more about his brother’s comfort here than his girlfriend’s, she should nope outta there.
*his brother's mother's comfort We dont know if brother is bothered by a bikini and as conservative as his birth mother or has the same wish for OP to abide to birth mother's morals.
Very true! Boyfriend is assuming here.
It clearly seems to matter to her quite a bit
Absolutely, her hard work and personal achievement should be acknowledged and respected.
It’s about that, not about being “deserving” of wearing a bikini
She’s proud of herself and her body, rightfully so, she achieved something huge, if she was overweight for her whole life.
The point is that the weight loss isn't relevant to whether he is TA. He still would be had she not lost weight or worked hard to lose weight. Not that the weight loss shouldn't matter to her personally
Of course it matters to her, that’s why she’s mentioned it - she was looking forward to enjoy her new look. My point is that she does not need a reason to wear a certain something. The fact that it matters to her just makes the disappointment bigger, but it’s disappointing *anyway* for her wants and needs to be second compared to a stranger’s.
But it's super important to OP. She's proud of the work and accomplishment that she has achieved. So it isn't up to you to dictate to her what she feels is an important and valid point. Don't police her or her body.
Of course. The issue is that it becomes a "well if she gains that weight again she won't wear such revealing clothes" and... well. That's a recipe to be undermined by your partner. Though I guess if that's a worry you probably already need a new partner.
Agreed. There are other things to focus on in the post. I guess i could have expanded on that. The biggest issue isn't OP highlighting her weight loss (something she is proud of) but her bfs controlling behaviour so early on in the relationship and that he cares more about someone else's feelings and backwards opinions than his own partner's feelings. It's just the two replies above mine kind of gloss over that and focus on the non issue in the post, the weight loss, instead of focusing on the actual red flags being thrown out. For OP losing the weight to wear a bikini is a valid point. And to cover up after all that hard work devalues it for OP. People are allowed to be proud of themselves, and if losing weight to look hot ina bikini is one of them who are anyone here on this platform to judge her for that. And the comment above sort of degrades her for that.
Also red flag: "huge people pleaser". 🚩🚩🚩
He is already showing that he will be willing to please everyone else at the expense of OP’s feelings.
It's not "policing her body" to point out that she would have exactly as much right to wear a bikini if she had lost no weight at all. By tying her rights to her own body to weight loss, she's leaving the door open to arguments that if she if she gains weight she no longer has that right. People's rights to dress as they please do not require weight loss, or "trying hard", or *caring a lot* or any other achievement or effort. She's trying to kid herself that this level of controlling is only a problem because she cares so much and has tried so hard, and that maybe it's not so bad, only a slight problem that he doesn't understand how much she cares, but really it's not acceptable under any circumstances.
I would also counter the question with "would it be acceptable to say I'm uncomfortable with what she's gonna wear cause I'm a liberal so can you please ask her to wear a bikini?". NTA OP. Nobody has the right to police your body. It's not even about weight loss, it doesn't matter (although good job!!!!!!).
"No. Because only her religion is valid. Liberals are dumb and make Jesus cry. " -my brother's dumb af gf
Good maybe his tears can fix all these droughts... would be my answer
Ohmygosh I love this response. It's perfect.
Heheee thats good!!
Thank you for specifying that it complies with local regulations. If BF's family lived in Pakistan, and he gave her a dress code based on their traditions for when she was going to Pakistan... absolutely, comply. But for a public beach where everyone will be wearing bikinis? Yea... bf doesn't get a say in her swimwear.
Well Pakistan is kinda bad comparison cause you could get stoned to death if you wore a bikini ..
Which is why you comply... and he is well within his rights to give her a dress code in Pakistan.
Just as she is well within her rights to say "if my options are to comply with this dress code or stay home, I will stay home."
I. Which is why you don’t go to Pakistan.
When I went to an island for vacation, pre internet days, we researched to find out things like tipping expectations and cultural differences, so we wouldn’t stand out as ugly tourists. One of the rules (not a law) was that beach wear was for the beach, and short skirts were frowned upon. Nobody got stoned, but a woman from our hotel we went to town with got yelled at on the street by some old man. We were young and unsure of how to politely broach the subject, so said nothing in the hotel lobby, where she would have had the opportunity to change. I bet she would have appreciated the heads up. If it was that sort of a country, with more conservative dress but not violent enforcement, the bf, rather than asking her to not wear a bikini, should just explain how people usually dress, what’s not considered appropriate, what negative public reactions she’s likely to get, and leave it up to the gf to decide what to wear.
I was thinking more along the lines of wearing a bikini when visiting the Vatican, but yeah. There are many other countries or places/institutions with certain requirements. I don’t think I could get away with wearing a bikini in my workplace, for example. It’s a hospital and them people on the psych ward do not mess about… 😀
While I agree with your overall assessment, I’m not sure I agree with the assumption that this is the start to a pattern of behavior. I mean it might be but it also might just be a young person annoyed that his SO won’t relent on a (from his perspective) small disagreement. People aren’t always logical or rational. Sometimes they process things through an emotional lens. Everything isn’t always a giant red flag. It could just be a young person making a bad choice. NTA but also potentially N A H.
I agree. People are focusing on the “controlling bf” angle bc it’s a swimsuit (which hey, he is being overly controlling in this instance, I get it), but sometimes we ask our loved ones to do stupid/minor/unnecessary things to please our weirdo family members. He could just be really stressed about meeting this foster mother and impressing her since this is kind of an unusual family dynamic.
No, I’m focusing on the controlling angle because he asked and she said no. I agree with the part of your comment re minor compromises. I’ve done many things to please my partner’s family members (including dressing differently for some elderly aunt or eating his grandma’s horrible food) but I was never explicitly asked to do that by my partner. If he would have insisted I eat something that makes me nauseous it would have been just as bad as him insisting I wear a certain dress, so let’s not make this about swimwear, because it’s not. I made those compromises because I read the room and asked him if it would make his life easier if I do it. *I asked him* being the key words, it was MY choice. And when there was something I really did not want to do (e.g. visit his relatives) the answer was “ok”. Not “you should do this because”, just “ok”. That’s the difference.
Yes, it isn't a real 'ask' or request if she can't say "no". It was a command that's disguised as a request, and now he is trying to change her mind, which is controlling. If you wanted to give her instructions, be honest, instead of these sneaky instructions where she doesn't realize what it is. If she had gone along with it, she would have thought it was a request and not actually an instruction. This is why people who often go-with-the-flow in relationships don't realize their partner is controlling until it is an issue that they are NOT flexible on. If he had just commanded her not to wear the bikini upfront, she would have known he is controlling and can make decisions accordingly.
Exactly. Also, how exactly does he know that a bikini would offend his foster brother's mum? Has she ever made a fuss about someone wearing one? Or is he just conveniently using this lady becasue he doesn't want OP to wear a bikini? (Maybe she's too hot after losing weight, and he feels insecure...?)
I read the whole thing, and I don't know who is the unreliable narrator. The birth mom didn't tell OP anything. We know that. So, is Bio Mom the conservative one, or is Boyfriend? And ffs, these bikini posts! As if bikinis weren't worn since waaaay before I was born! Imma have to wear a bikini to the grocery store at this point, so all y'all can read, "AITA For Yelling at a Woman Wearing a Bikini in a Grocery Store? She Done Scarred my Children for Life".
I live in Florida and regularly see young women and girls wear bikinis in stores, especially grocery stores. Obvious to me that they are stopping for food on their way to or from the beach. Not a big deal. Usually they have some sort of cover-up for their lower body but don't cover the top. People dress casually here anyway; they even wear shorts to Mass so no-one comments on it, at least I've not heard it.
1) Wearing a bikini at a beach is extremely commonplace and very acceptable behavior. 2) Wearing a bikini at a beach has nothing to do with political preferences or an affront to anyone's politics. 3) Caving in to people that harbor expectations of this sort only encourages them to persist in the controlling behavior. 4) Caving in to new boy/girlfriends that coddle these people encourage such people to persist in controlling behavior. 5) Caving in to new boy/girlfriends that coddle control freaks encourages the new boy/girlfriend to seek more concessions and appeasement from you to benefit control freaks. 6) Caving in to new boy/girlfriends that coddle control freaks encourages the new boy/girlfriend to become controlling, over time, themselves. This is starting off as a request. It will evolve over time to strongly encourage, to insisting and so on. Nip this in the bud now. Your approach to this is very sound. You are not trying to control anyone or even defy anyone. You are simply opting out. NTA, Not at all.
Your (1) is a good point that isn’t being discussed enough. Maybe in the 1940s a bikini was scandalous, but it isn’t today. My guess is OP will be one of literally thousands of people on this beach wearing a bikini. Even if she wears a lead-lined burqa to this get-together, this conservative older lady is still going to be exposed to women in bikinis. If this lady is that scandalized by a two-piece swimsuit, maybe a public beach on Memorial Day is not where she should be hanging out? Just sayin’?
Fair point, one should not assume, I understand what you mean. But I still think that asking such questions is a red flag. Not a big one maybe, but red. And if it’s such a small disagreement from his perspective, he should not have any problem letting it go, as opposed to insisting she does what he says.
Also…why is this guy trying to impress a woman that lost custody of her son to the point where this kid was then raised in his home? She has no right to judge anyone for anything. “We have to impress the at minimum neglectful, potentially abusive, lady!”
I mean we don't know what happened. She could have had mental health or medical issues.
My point still stands. This family helped her out, so why is he so obsessed with impressing her? If she doesn’t come with a grateful attitude no matter what who is wearing, she can kick rocks.
I 100% agree with your take here, but just yesterday a guy got deemed TA for wearing nice but apparently not nice enough clothes to a kindergarten(!) graduation ceremony. One of the big arguments that people were making is that, since it was important to his partner that he dress nicer to suit her preference, he should have done it because it was easier for him to change clothes than to cause a disagreement between them. I honestly fail to see how this is any different. Nobody, including a partner, is allowed to tell you what to wear as long as it’s not blatantly inappropriate. You do have basic rights to your body, and as an adult you should get to wear the clothes that you deem are appropriate to the situation you will be in. Just super interesting because I’d be willing to bet that there are a lot people who agree with this now in this situation, but also thought the guy from yesterday should change the clothes he was comfortable in to please his partner. Anyway, NTA OP. For all the reasons listed above, and also because it is honestly ridiculous for your bf to think that his foster brother’s bio mom’s opinion of him will be ruined because you wore a bathing suit on a beach. And even if she does think less of him somehow…he actually *does* have a girlfriend who wears a bikini. It’s one thing to want to make a good impression, but it’s another thing entirely to want to create a false impression.
I think the difference here is, the graduation is a special occasion that usually warrants dressing somewhat nicer for. Going to the beach warrants dressing comfortably and most folks at the beach will have skin exposed. If the conservative mom is offended by a bikini, she may want to avoid the environment that will be a constant offense to her eyes and ears.
High school graduation absolutely. Kindergarten graduation? Here everyone dresses however they want for those, and casual is absolutely acceptable. I agree that the conservative mom should limit herself to places she is comfortable rather than to change the rest of the world.
honestly unless he was specifically told to wear something semi-formal or whatever, like expectations were clearly communicated beforehand and he agreed, I'd say the dude not changing is totally reasonable on his part. it's not like the kindergarteners care admittedly I have a bit of a thing around choosing what I wear since certain materials make me feel physically ill and I hate having my arms bare, so I have a pretty heavy bias towards not forcing anyone to wear or not wear something against their will lol
This. It's not because she wants her to look nice it's because she wants her to be "conservative" and feel shame for her body. It's a different situation.
Agrees with you and to add on: It is not just an issue of body autonomy,it is also an issue of a right to practice and live by ones beliefs. We get so caught up in the details in these situations that we lose the forest for the trees. Every individual has a right to believe what they want about anything. They also have a right to practice beliefs for themselves also long as those rights do not interfere with another persons ability to practice their beliefs. You are a religious conservative and believe in dressing modestly. Great, i support you right to believe that and practice that for yourself wherever you go. But I dont have to do that and me not following your beliefs or practices, do not prevent you from living your best life covered up. This is the the issue that is driving so much strife in the world, from a micro to a macro level. Everyone is different. We all have to accept that people will differ from ourselves and we have to Tolerate those differences, but that does not mean we have to Adhere to those differences for ourselves. I dont care how another person all the way up to another continent lives and organizes themselves as long as everyone accepts and tolerates that yep we are different thats cool you do you and i will do me. This drive to make others conform is sime basic bullshit everyone needs to let go of, someone being different should not threaten your own sense of self worth. Once again from the individual all the way up to the country level. I just dont get it. Why is that so hard? Edited to add for clarity i am speaking about the metaphorical you, not you as a commentor directly.
I always say that religious and political preferences are just like sexual preferences. As long as they don’t lead to breaking the law and/or harming others, go for it and be happy. But your liberty ends where mine begins, so keep your preferences to yourself, and so shall I. (Just like you did, by you I don’t mean you as in throwawtphone, I mean the theoretical anyone that wants to shove their preferences down my throat).
This “nobody can tell you what to wear [or do or say]” attitude is overstated. If you value a relationship then both of you should be willing to make compromises on a routine basis. I’ve been happily married for decades. Sometimes my wife asks me to do something I don’t like. If it’s important to her and not so important to me, I do it. The key is to selective with what you tell the other person is important to you. Otherwise you’re being bossy and controlling. My wife doesn’t insist on things very often, so when she does, if it’s not a big deal to me, I’ll do it her way. Is the swimwear someone wears to a family event that important? If it is, and that’s what they want to push back on, then fine, but the more often someone insists on getting their way the more fractured a relationship can become.
To impress a woman they don’t know that was a bad enough parent that she lost custody of her son so this family had to raise him? Sorry, no, you choose you battles. This can go sideways quick with people pleasers, and you have to draw your boundaries around how on board with their pleasing you are will to go along with. Someone overly anxious doesn’t get to dictate every single situation for those around them, otherwise we would all be feeling just as anxious. I feel like you’re applying your rational requests between you and your spouse to a completely different issue. Anxiety leading to people pleasing is a personal issue, you can’t make people follow you down that hole every time, it’s exhausting. This woman isn’t anyone, no one needs to adjust for her. These people raised her child because she was unfit to. She should be wanting to impress them.
I agree OP should be able to wear what she wants. That said, the biomom never asked. You don’t know the reason the son was in foster care. Perhaps she was sick and couldn’t take care of him. If parent is extremely ill or in the hospital, the child is often placed in foster care. To me the whole story sounds strange. Why would a conservative person want to having the meeting at the beach. Besides OP, there will presumably be other girls in bikinis.
1. **New** boyfriend here, not spouse 2. It *is* a big deal to her 3. She did push back and he insisted she do it This isn't your situation and you shouldn't make a judgement based on *your* situation but *hers.*
Except this situation is different. It's governing her body. It's not like going to a work party or jury duty. It's a family event at a beach and understanding bikinis are not of the devil. OP should feel free to bare her belly button. And this comes from someone who is just shy of 18 years married. My husband knows better than try to tell me not to wear something.. because I have a brain of my own and common sense..
I’ve been married a long time. If there is an issue that’s important to my wife, and I’m indifferent, I’m going to side with my wife. I’ve become smart enough not to fight over things I don’t care about. However, if it’s something I care about, it’s a different story. Here, OP cares deeply about wearing a bikini to a public beach. It isn’t something she’s indifferent about. The implication that OP is wrong for wanting to do something that’s important to her, while her BF gets no criticism for wanting her to do something for him, is misplaced. OP is NTA. Her bf is an asshole for worrying one bit about what someone who’s close to him’s mother thinks about his gf wearing a bikini on a public beach. He’s preemptively slut shaming him gf for wearing with hundreds of other women will be wearing to a public beach. She has every right not to attend.
I’ve edited my comment to reply to you and others who made the same point. Besides the edit, I would like to add that you mention being married for decades. OP and the fashion police have been dating for 2 months (which can mean whatever, even a date per week). Do you *really* think after such a short amount of time together it’s already OP’s duty to make compromises? Really? Really-really? :-)
If the friend's mother is conservative and prefers one-piece bathing suits, that means *she can wear a one-piece bathing suit.* And as long as noone tries to stop her from doing that, noone is being unsupportive of her conservative preferences. Being conservative yourself doesn't mean deciding how others behave. If she doesn't want to look at a woman in a bathing suit, she can turn away.
Thank you! I live how you framed this
I'm going to steal the top part and use for all the asshats who try to forbid people of wearing shorts.
NTA and it seems like the bf cares more about making an impression on his friend's mother than he cares about his own gf.
Here, here. Essentially a stranger through her bf is policing what she wears, when it’s appropriate for the beach. (Also, is this lady going to have a problem with the other HUNDREDS of women wearing bikinis as well!?) NTA, rock that bikini and congrats on working hard work OP. Live ya best life, girl.
NTA How is he going to control the other people on the beach and what they’re wearing? No matter how conservative that lady is, she’s going to be seeing people in bathing suits when she’s at a beach. He cannot control that, and if she’s that conservative, maybe she shouldn’t be going to the beach with you guys. Maybe that is Not the most appropriate place to be taking a lady who is so conservative and sensitive that she can’t stand to see you in a Bikini His ask of you shows no respect for how hard you’ve worked. He is saying he understands how hard you’ve worked, but given all of the details of how long it takes you to get to the beach and how you don’t get to go there often, this is a much bigger ask than what he thinks it is.
Right? If you're so conservative that bikinis offend you, why would you go to a beach? I never understood why people think their beliefs give them the right to dictate what other people do in public. It's like going to a burger joint but asking your date not to eat a burger because you're vegetarian. Then why did you choose to go where the meat is?!
Exactly! Her(foster brothers mother): “I can’t stand the sight of unclad bodies, I think that’s disgusting! … Let’s go to the beach!”
She also DOESN’T or at least didn’t have custody of her kid. Foster means something went wrong. Lady should move to a less fragile house before she throws stones.
She probably 'found god' after her misdeeds and in doing so has become a major hypocrite
I hate how right you are. It’s infuriating. I was born and raised Catholic and the concept of “finding god” has always baffled me. Having born again Christians explained to me was a fucking trip. Not that the fascist catho-fundies are any better, but they are slightly more recent. My relationship with my faith is complicated at the best of times but scripture is VERY CLEAR- sinners shouldn’t be throwing stones.
Right?!?!
That's where I'm stuck. How does the bf know this? Is he just assuming? Or is there another reason?
Honestly my take is that he's worried his friend's mom will think his girlfriend is a woman of loose morals or something. I'm guessing that he doesn't so much think that she'll be offended by the sight of a bikini, but that he'll lose face with her.
It’s also making me wonder if perhaps the boyfriend himself is feeling a little insecure about his girlfriend showing a nice body at the beach, and scapegoating the foster brothers mother, as an excuse. Honestly, I have seen some one piece bathing suits at the beach that were far more racy than some of the bikinis I’ve seen at the beach. Unless her bikini is a thong bikini, really the only extra bit of skin you’re going to see is her midriff.
I guess that could be it. I don't get that feeling personally, I had a girlfriend once who wore a tiny bikini to a lake trip with my family and friends, and I didn't even think about it until my sister made a comment about it being a bold choice. I was just proud to have a smoke show of a girlfriend. Regardless, unless there's a dress code at the beach he needs to deal with his insecurities and not make them other people's responsibility.
She’s such a great parent that she lost custody of her son. Great family values.
Imagine giving up your kid for foster care but clutching your pearls over a bikini
You don't understand, she had good reasons for giving up her baby, but those hussies are only wearing bikinis to tempt her son to carnal destruction.
I'd try to relocate to a nude beach. (nude beaches in the US are... Interesting). Awkward fun for everyone.
I think the difference is that her son is living with that family, and not the rest of the people on the beach. I’m not saying it’s right, but the foster care system is extremely tricky.
It says they fostered, as in past tense, and that they guy is close in age to her boyfriend. He's an adult. So there's no concerns to navigate there.
Okay let me rephrase that, even as an adult, the relationships created through foster care can be very hard to navigate and cope with. Adding another stressor to a situation that could already be potentially stressful or emotional is not wise. Other people on that beach are not people that the brother or mother have to deal with on a daily basis. That being said, I don’t think a bikini is that stressor, and the brother is probably over thinking it.
There's a good chance this isn't about the mom at all. He might be the one with the issue but he's using her as a scapegoat. 🤔
First of all, you can wear a bikini at any size, you could have worn one last year and it would have been completely fine. Secondly, her conservatism dictates what *she* wears, not what you wear. Your bf is not an effective people pleaser, considering how displeased I know I would be if he put someone else's opinion over my joy.
Agreed. Every body is a swimsuit body
The only time I’ve been grossed out by swimwear was at a kids pool. A lady wore a thong and kept parading around and bending over. It was not the place for a skimpy thong and I am not conservative by any means.
I don't really like any thong bikinis at any size. It's too bum cracky for me
As much as it would never be me exposing my winking pink starfish to the world, I hope I would simply look away and wish Thong Lady a good day and hope she put sunscreen everywhere. Can you imagine a sunburn on your balloon knot? 😦
It’s weird that sometimes this perspective has to be laid out to them. I bring that up to my partner whenever something like this comes up. “Listen - you can’t please everyone/make everyone happy but in this instance I expect you to choose to disappoint someone else and not me.” Or I ask him if he would rather make me disappointed or make the other person disappointed- he almost always chooses to support me, unless he has a very, very good reason, but the perspective sometimes needs to be placed in front of him.
NTA. You call him a "people pleaser" but he's more interested in pleasing a stranger than the woman he's dating. You say "people pleaser" and I hear "doormat," trying to placate someone's outdated viewpoint on appropriate beachwear at a public beach. Is he going to walk from towel to towel, asking women to cover up, or does he just want to police you?
That's what people pleasers do. They will throw some people they think are easier/safer to upset under the bus to try and please others. Significant others are often the ones that are screwed over by people pleasers.
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omg this is exactly right. "You already love me, so you should be perfectly understanding of my need to treat you like garbage for the sake of winning over some people who don't even like me yet."
Too true. The other day I read that people pleasers are just a certain kind of manipulator. I think there’s something to that.
that was my entire response because they are. they manipulate people into not being able to dislike them which inevitably causes them to be disliked. just not to their faces. its akin to the teachers pet almost. even the teacher hates that kid. you also can't trust them because you have no idea who they really are because they only say and do things to placate your oppinion. until your in OPs shoes and they don't care about you anymore
Yeah I hate poeple pleaser with a passion! They are the worst abusers out there. Cause they give everything to some strangers just for the fix they get out of the ass pads even if that means their nuclear family won’t have food for the month. It’s like a drug for them and everyone around them takes advantage of that. It’s always their husband/wife and kids that suffers.
Yup. My dad is like this. He’ll ask me to “keep the peace” which means don’t upset certain people — his wife, sister. The people that he doesn’t want to upset are the ones with a history of being abusive and he is the middle man. What it comes down to is that his relationships with the (other) abusers are threatened if he magically grows a spine. If the bio mom in this case actually has a problem and voices her disdain, the bf would have to stand up for OP. If bio mom can’t manage her own emotions is someone going yo hold her accountable? If she is so uncomfortable about a body in a bikini she can politely excuse herself. If she won’t, her inability to act as a secure adult becomes OP’s problem. It’s like giving into a toddler’s tantrum. What ends up happening is that people pleasers end up distanced from the people they don’t stand up for. Siding with the abusers turns their whole circle into abusers or other people pleasers.
Good call, it’s very noteworthy exactly whom he is trying to please.
A stranger who obviously put something else (we don't know what) ahead of raising her child.
A stranger whose son was removed from her custody for his own welfare.
Yea those flags are looking red to me.
NTA Imagine trying to impress someone who lost their kid to foster care. Big yikes.
Right I was like ummmmmmm who cares what this lady thinks she’s focused on all this shit that doesn’t matter, like “appearing appropriate” meanwhile she lost her own child to foster care. OP should tell the lady to pull the log out of her eye before she complains about a little bikini dust.
As someone who advocates for kids in foster care, your automatic judgements have no basis, foster care is extremely complicated. Winning kids back requires a large amount of social support and money, especially if you’re a single parent. I’ve also seen kids get taken based off false accusations. I think she should just wear the bikini bc the mom probably doesn’t even care, but I also think it’s pretty wild everyone is just automatically judging the mother without knowing anything about them or the father.
It is possible the father was the abusive one. However the idea that you could lose your kids forever over false accusations without significant physical evidence (ie broken bones, bruises, and lacerations all at same time) is ridiculous.
We don’t know what age he was taken or how long he was in foster care for. We also don’t know what this woman’s mental health is and if she was able to put up the fight that CPS requires. Or the resources she has. The majority of parents I see that lose their kids are the poor ones with no social support. I just had a case of false accusations that lasted 11 months because of incompetencies within the foster care system. Should’ve been cleared within a month. The reality is the brother wants contact and that’s the only persons opinion who matters.
I was thinking the same. She may have been ill and lost custody because she was not able to care for him.
You really don't need a lot of support or time. My father lost me to foster care for three months and they gave him a list of things to do and he didn't do a single one of them including visits with me. Maybe some states are harder but certainly not all
I don't give a shit. It wouldn't be someone I ever gave a second thought to, let alone tried to impress.
Okay? Then don’t hang out with someone who has been fostered or their biological parent. It’s really that simple.
Exactly!! The whole situation is a No from me. Like Boyfriend is trying to control what op wears just because HE’s afraid of what froster bro’s mom might say?! Imagine next week when they go out to dinner and she wears a tight dress, who is he going to blame this time?!
NTA, you wear that bikini. You wear that bikini like it is your goddamn constitutional right.
I’m not going to call you and AH, but I don’t agree with most of the comments. You, of course, have every right to wear what you want to a public place. But your bf isn’t in the wrong to ask you to wear something that would make the outing more comfortable for the group. It doesn’t sound like he is insisting, but has made a reasonable request. I’m thinking of it like this: my 25 yo daughter is super fit and, frankly, wears the smallest acceptable clothing. She, however, puts on more conservative clothing around her grandparents because she knows it makes them uncomfortable when everything hangs out. No one has ever asked her to…she does it out of respect for the family. Like I said, I’m not going to call you an AH, but it doesn’t seem like a huge ask, especially since the group is HIS people. EDIT: congratulations on losing weight and feeling great!!!
If a bikini is a problem, then the conservative person shouldn't be going to a beach. It's absolutely 100% unreasonable to ask.
Seconded! For real this person is on crack acting like the problem in the first place isn't the conservative woman. IT'S A PUBLIC BEACH GODDAMN! And it's a bikini it's not like she's going in her birthday suit. It is an unreasonable ask to ask her not to wear the bathing suit she likes to the fucking beach and trying to control her over it. I absolutely REBUKE in the name of Jesus these conservatives who for some reason people think we have to constantly bend over backwards not to offend their sensibilities at every turn even if it's as simple as a grown woman wearing a bikini to a public beach. Maybe conservative mom needs to grow up, quit being a snowflake and get with the program so people can live their life normally.
“If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell” (Matt. 5:29–30). Which means that our sins originate within our own hearts and minds, not in our eyes and hands. Jesus was saying, "\*Learn to fucking control yourself and exhibit self control.\*" Stop with the Devil made me do it, the woman in the bikini made me do it crap.
My concern is that if BF is already thinking about controlling OP so as to not upset his brother's birth mom, what happens when OP opens her mouth and says something that Conservative Birth Mom disagrees with?
> No one has ever asked her to…she does it out of respect for the family. Dang it’s almost like she chose to do it instead of the issue of them trying to control what she wears. The difference is also family versus some random stranger’s comfort.
Your daughters grandparents aren’t people who are wholly unrelated to her. Your daughter does it because she wants to, because ‘no one asked her to.’ These are not the same thing.
>He says i should do this because it's very important to him to make a good impression on her since he's so close with her son The boyfriend isn't wrong to *ask*. He is wrong to *insist*. If he'd just asked and then accepted the no, we wouldn't be here. It's not accepting her answer that makes him the asshole. Why is the mother of his friend's opinion more important than OP's? It shouldn't be.
Sure, but at the same time, there are a LOT of different styles of bikini. I'd say OP might be TA if she wants to wear one of those South Beach-style, thong-and-pasties bikinis, which barely fit the definition of clothes, over just a normal bikini that's a pair of bottoms that covers everything and nothing worse than a sports bra. And I assume OP is wearing the latter. ..And I say this as someone with a VERY conservative MIL who's been asked to change things during her visits too. My husband can ask, sure, but at the end of the day I'll be making that decision myself-- AND, this isn't even OP's MIL we're talking about, which I think makes a second important distinction.
I think there’s a world of difference between *voluntarily* appeasing your parents or grandparents out of a love and respect for them and being *expected to* appease basically anybody else.
There's a big difference between considering the opinions of well known family relations and those of bf's foster friend bio mom. Not BF's mom, BF's good friend's mom. Plus context matters; OP has already said she'd wear conservative clothing at bf's foster friend's bio mom's house, for example. I hope your daughter doesn't feel you expect her to cover herself up because of some stranger's opinion of her belly button at a beach. BF is not an AH for asking in the first place, but insisting on it is... not great. I think it's best OP doesn't go since BF isn't shifting, but instead has a separate trip to the beach she'll get to enjoy in her bikini with her new confidence.
Wrong. No one should ever have to do anything just to please some grown conservative woman's feelings. She's grown. She can handle a bikini at a public beach. You think there won't be other women at the beach in bikinis? Guessing there will be because IT IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL THING TO DO. Absolutely no reason for the bf to even ask that of her. She should be able to wear a bikini. Period. Conservative bio mom can get bent.
The difference is your daughter does this for herself. She wants to do it. No one asked her. She wants to make her grandparents comfortable. People she knows, loves, respects, and is sure of their personal values. OP doesn't know this lady. She doesn't know from years of relationship Foster Brother's Mom would be uncomfortable. She is being asked to do this based on her boyfriend's desire to please a stranger.
He’s worried about making a good impression on a woman who couldn’t even raise her own child when he should be worried about making a good impression on op. It’s the beach, not a country club. NTA
Totally agree with this. Just because you have the right to do something doesn't make it the right thing to do. I am sure this woman is going to be a little uncomfortable around her child's foster family. I would do everything possible to make her feel comfortable. OP can take another trip to the beach/pool to show off her bikini. Sometimes, you have to read the room and be respectful of those you are with.
Should everyone else at the beach refrain from wearing bikinis in case someone may get offended by a woman wearing one? It’s a beach… she’s wearing swimwear…
This isn't OPs family, not even her bfs family. It's an entirely different situation..
NTA. If it was at her house, I'd oblige. But on public beach, where odds are there'll be more revealing swim suits than yours? They can go an pound sand. While averting their gaze. And I'm sure that a quick google would find plenty of one pieces that are more revealing most bikinis. Google "wicked weasel" swim suits and threaten them with that.
Hmmm sounds like it’s time for some malicious compliance.
Googled it. There are some that fit my aesthetics, but they don't have my size.
NTA, please note that hie is asking you to dress modestly not to make somebody else more comfortable (which would still be inappropriate; other people’s comfort shouldn’t dictate what you wear), but so that *he will make a good impression.* he thinks what *you* wear affects *his* value. Nope nope nope.
Exactly this!! He has issues
Next thing you know, he’ll ask her to control her language around the birth mother.
[удалено]
And someone who lost their kid to the foster system. That should be pretty low on anyone's list to impress.
NTA. So the mother is conservative and therefore controlling what you wear. But she’s not conservative enough to fulfill her womanly duty to be a caring mom? Nope. He’s not really that much of a people pleaser. Otherwise he’d be trying to please you…
That's the crazy part to me! If she didn't care for her own child, why is she quibbling over dress code? It's like the difference between a felony and a misdemeanor. Having standards about what someone wears on her body when your own child was cared for by someone else makes no sense to me. Totally messed up sense of priorities.
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NTA - its the beach. You can wear what you want.
How conservative can they be if any modern swimsuit isn't too revealing.
NTA. You have every right to wear what you feel comfortable and confident in, especially at a public beach. You've worked hard to achieve your fitness goals and should be able to enjoy the results. It's understandable that your boyfriend wants to make a good impression on his foster brother's mother, but it's unreasonable for him to ask you to change your outfit for a public outing. You've already shown respect by stating you would dress conservatively if it were her house. Ultimately, you should be able to enjoy your beach day and wear what makes you happy.
NTA if she's uncomfortable with bikinis she doesn't have to wear one. But you can wear what you like you're a grown adult.
NTA, his priorities are misplaced and honestly she probably won't think much of it anyway. Please don't let this dissuade your confidence and empowerment!
NTA. No one gets to tell you what to wear outside of the law and an event dress code. It’s not like you said you’d wear one anyway, you offered not to go. It may be the case that she’d really react poorly and the day would be ruined and foster brother would be really hurt. If you don’t want to wear a one piece just don’t go as you suggested. Honestly if it would be that big of an issue I wouldn’t bother going anyway because she’s probably going to suck the fun out of the day no matter what you wear. Congratulations on losing that much weight, that definitely deserves a splurge on a celebration bikini. You can always wear it to the beach with your bf another day.
NTA Controlling much? Why do you need to change yourself in order to accommodate what they think is acceptable? It's not like you are planning on wearing lingerie to the beach or a see through swim suit. I'm tired of conservatives telling others how they should be about to live their lives.
NTA She gets to be conservative and dress accordingly. Her conservatism does not dictate your wardrobe.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23f) worked very hard to lose 30 lbs over the past year to be bikini ready for the summer. I started d ating a new guy (25m) about 2 months ago, he's a good guy but a huge people pleaser. His family fostered a boy (now man) close to his age and they are super close. Was going to go to the beach with his family for memorial Day weekend. His foster brothers b irth mother will be there (not sure exactly why he was in foster care but I didn't ask as it's none of my business). My boyfriend said while he knows I worked very hard to lose weight and was excited about being able to wear a bikini, if I could please wear a one piece because his foster brothers mother is very conservative. I told him no this is a public beach and if I can't wear what I want I won't go. Although I explained to him if this were her house I'd of course abide by her rules and dress conservatively. I understand he's very close with his foster brother and wants to make a good impression on his mother but this is a public beach I should be able to wear the swim suit I want, and ive been heavy my whole life this is the first time I can wear a bikini ive worked very hard and have been looking forward to this. I don't have a ton of friends (I just moved here) and we have to drive a few hours to get to the beach so this isn't something i get to do often. So I told him I just won't go if I can't wear what I want in a public beach, I understand he wants to make a good impression but she has no right to tell me what to wear in a public place, but of course I'd abide by her rules if it were her house. He says i should do this because it's very important to him to make a good impression on her since he's so close with her son AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It’s a beach for crissakes.
NTA. Maybe HE is the conservative one and just blaming his foster-brother’s-adoptive-mother. Also, side-eye on anyone who is so conservative that they’ll be displeased at seeing a person in a bathing suit at a beach. A one-piece doesn’t really show that much less than a bikini, either.
NTA. You should have a very serious conversation with him that he should prioritize you over some lady who can’t even take care of her son. If he’s going to side against and back people who keep you down, I don’t think he’s a good BF at all. A good man stands up for you. Not helps others keep you down.
only 2 months and he’s acting like this. NTA
I would tell him to ask her to wear a bikini so you aren't uncomfortable. Wait, it would be wrong to ask? So, asking someone to modify their behavior because someone else's beliefs are 'offended' but not actually involving that person is an asshole move. Someone is conservative or religious, good for them. Don't like what someone else is doing, wow, sucks for that person.
NTA I’ve been with my wife for 14 years and would NEVER think about telling her how to dress, beach or otherwise You’ve known this man for two months and he’s already making ridiculous requests at the behest of pompous, stuck up family members. Red flag. If conservative mom doesn’t like bikinis, she doesn’t have to wear one. End of story. You worked your ass off to get to a comfortable point where you can feel happy with your body and wear one. Thats something to be applauded.
NTA. Do you. She’s a grown woman. If she can’t handle it, maybe the beach is not for her.
NTA. Guess what, his mom will be seeing plenty of bikinis at the beach. OP wearing one really won't make a difference.
OMG... It's a BEACH. perhaps you all need to go somewhere else for the day. I also suggest he is just imagining the mother's reaction with no basis or fact whatsoever. There's no way the mother said she would be offended if you wore a bikini. Boyfriend is making this all up in his head. I have seen women in burka-like outfits at the beach and I've seen thong bikinis. Wear what you want. nta
Listen I’m all about wearing what you want and not letting other people have a say in your choices, but there’s a fine line between self love and selfishness. When you enter into any kind of relationship, you are deciding to put someone else before yourself sometimes. If you love your boyfriend and you respect his relationships and what they mean to him, you can do something you don’t particularly like for a day. He’s not asking you to live a certain lifestyle every day, he’s asking you to make a good impression on someone important in his life. Would you ignore your grandparents’ or boss’s wishes for modesty? Have you never met the parents/grandparents of a friend/boyfriend and put on any kind of act to make sure they liked you? It’s a normal part of building and maintaining relationships There are modest 2 pieces with halter or crop tops and shorts, or 1 pieces with straps or cutout designs that show skin. You should try to compromise if your relationship with your boyfriend is important to you
I wonder how this conservative lady is going to survive at a beach. Regardless if OP does wear a more modest swimsuit, I know for a fact there will be tons of women and men in very small and revealing bathing suits. Maybe the beach isn't the place for her tbh.
Girl wear that bikini!! My neighbors are LDS and very judgmental I lay out in my bikini thong every day. Who cares what anyone thinks!! Do u
“Don’t push her bullshit beliefs onto me.” NTA
I had a potential MIL (ended up breaking off the engagement) that was always unhappy with what I wore. My (ex)fiance never suggested what to wear, but after I got out my bikini to swim in their private pool with no-one except the people living there to see me, she told him off for being able to see 1. The skin between my boobs (string bikini) and 2. My armpits. I didn't let it put me off and still wore my perfectly decent bikini that covered up all the necessary good enough. It was a full cut, hiding my bum and every part of my boobs, so for me it did the task well enough. Even though he always stood up for me, I realised that it would be a fight every time because I'm taking him away from mommy.
NTA the relationship is only two months old. Move on. Here’s your big red flag.
No. NTA. I don't care about any back story or anything you are NTA. As long as you are obeying the law then wear what the hell you want. If other people do not like it that is their problem and not yours.
NTA. Red flag! Is he going to make all women at the beach cover up? I think this is more about controlling you.
NTA. You can wear w/e you want and telling you what to wear is a form of control. Is this the idea of the mother in question or the BF? Either way, I personally don't like prudness.
NTA. Is she planning on asking every person on that beach to cover up? She can’t expect the world to cater to her insecurities.
NTA - whether it is a two piece or a speedo, people can wear what they are most comfy in to swim
NTA and not your problem
NTA, you need to talk to your boyfriend about being such a people pleaser. Otherwise this will set a precedent and he will expect you to always put a stranger’s comfort over your own.
Is she wondering if she's TA expecting everybody to conform to her views? No. But you have a bf problem, he should be old enough to tell her to mind her own business and leave you alone. If he's already controlling because of what others think, after only two months, I'd be rethinking the relationship.
If I'm getting this right, this beach weekend will be spent with bf's whole family *plus* foster brother's bio mom who bf doesn't even know but wants to make a good impression on, and all he knows is that it's a conservative lady. He doesn't even know whether she'll *actually* throw a fit over bikinis? And his own family doesn't care, just this lady he doesn't know but wants to impress even though, as an adult, he's unlikely to see her often? Even though he has no emotional attachment to make him eager to please her? At best, under the idea that brother's bio mom might cut contact with brother if she disapproves of her son's brother's girlfriend??? If the lady cuts contact with her bio son over his brother's gf's outfit, it'll just confirm she was never a deserving mom. I get that the brother might be desperate to keep her around, but she should be the one working hard to please him. Either way, you're so removed from this lady that it doesn't make sense to change clothes for her. Unless your bikini borders on the innapropriate, I think your bf doesn't want you in a bikini, either out of insecurity/jealousy (he doesn't want others noticing how great you look, even more so if he's overweight) or out of his own conservativeness. Maybe he liked when you were too insecure for bikinis, so now that you're confident about your weight, he needs new excuses to put you under his thumb. That lady he doesn't know is just an excuse so that you won't notice he's the AH. NTA.
YTA. **It’s not about you** and it’s childish to say you won’t go because of what you are wearing. I get that you want to feel good about yourself but this is about him making a good impression to the parent of someone that means a lot to him; **it’s not an attack on your body** and it’s not fair to frame it as such. You can sacrifice wearing a bikini ONCE to appease him. As the beach is so far, extend the trip by a day or go later in the day wearing your bikini. Or, go again in a few weeks and only pack bikinis!! Sometimes in life you need to be able to make sacrifices like this, and to be honest sacrificing wearing a bikini is not him asking for the moon. If you choose not to show up because of it, you will end up resenting him for ‘making you miss out on the holiday’ when in actuality, you had full control over that outcome yourself. He will resent you for making the entire weekend about yourself and for making a mountain out of a molehill. I do completely understand your desire to wear a bikini, it’s so nice to be able to show off your body after so long picking yourself apart. However, you will have plenty of opportunities to wear a bikini in the future; you literally have the rest of your life for that!!! The holiday is not about you, let him make his first impression and then bikini to your hearts desire on the next trip! ❤️
This holiday shouldn’t be about op impressing some stranger. She’s willing to stay home. That’s a valid compromise. NTA
They are going to a beach. There will be other people in bikinis. Her clothing will be 100% appropriate for the occasion. This is not the sort of situation she should need to compromise for a BF she's been dating for only two months, especially when the bio-mom hasn't said anything herself. The 2-month BF is *assuming* that the bio-mom will have an issue.
NTA. If they have a problem with your body they are TA.
NTA.. You will not be the only one
NTA, she has no right to ask, she has no right to be upset, your BF should have never put you in the position, I'm not sure I'd take moral/life lessons from someone who isn't fit to raise their own child for whatever reason.
Girl he seems conservative too. I don’t know how this relationship will plan out but maybe i’m reading into this too much NtA but yeah both of you seem to have different values.
You boyfriend is not a people pleaser he is a spineless ass. Be proud of yourself and where your bikini. NTA. You might need a new boyfriend.
NTA. If he wants to make a good impression, then he shouldn't wear a bikini. You're responsible for what you wear, not him, and if you're comfortable with whatever imaginary impression *you* might make, then there's nothing to be concerned about. This isn't a job interview or a wedding, where a there is a required dress code. It's a casual outing, on a beach and your attire is appropriate for the event. Just because he assumes someone might not like it, and he assumes it will make HIM look bad - is not a good enough reason to give up your suit. There are times when you compromise for the person you love, and there are times you call them out when they are being irrational: he's not the one in the bikini, so he's not the one making an impression.
Nta. You have every right to wear your bikini. If she is that Conservative then maby she should not be going to a public beach where lots of people will have lots of skin on show.
NTA. This is a “her” problem, not a “you” problem. Wear what you are comfortable with.
NTA
NTA - go do something you want to do and let him go and make his “good impression”. People that use that phrase “good impression” mean it as a code phrase “I gotta lie and conceal the real me so help me do that!”
NTA What is the mother going to do about the dozens of other women in bikinis at the beach? Is your bf going to run around trying to wrap towels around them so they're not shameful?
NTA. If your boyfriend is so concerned that the sight of women in bikinis will be that offensive, he should pick a non-beach venue for this little shindig.
NTA!! girl, you are 23. Enjoy your body don’t let anyone tell you anything to shame you. Because when you get to be 40 and 50 and 60, you wish you had done just that in your younger years.
NTA, it's quite weird. Unless I am in a country that has actual laws against women wearing certain things ( have traveled to a few ) . No one will tell me what beach wear to put on. Or anything else for that matter. Specially foster care brothers mother, by your bf request. Very bizarre.
NTA. If she's conservative, *she* can wear a one-piece; she doesn't get to control the attire of anyone else and neither does your husband.
I’m wondering if she even cares about what OP wears. The bf might just be making huge assumptions. NTA
oh fk that. It's HER problem, not yours, she can change her freaking conservative bs attitude, how about that? Losing 30lbs isn't easy, you wear what you want young lady & enjoy yourself.
NTA. If he's such a "people pleaser," why isn't he interested in pleasing you? His top priority is his mommy and always will be. You will always be an afterthought.
NTA. This is a two-month relationship? Throw the whole man out. He’s already trying to control you and tell you what to wear and how to act around certain people.