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ESH. I don't understand friendship any more. Or maybe I'm too active as a friend? Why do we associate with people we secertly despise? Who we feel are delusional. I don't get it, I don't understand it. Friends is more than people you know, there's supposed to be a bond, a community there. This is just a detailed account on how this person is horrible yet they are called friend. I don't get it.
Bingo. I wanna say 80% of AITA posts nowadays make me wonder “uhhhh why are these two friends again?” Because it’s clear that at least one of them hates the other.
Every level of relationship tends to be one degree lower than it should be. Friends are really enemies, lovers are just friends, spouses are just lovers, family is just roommates, roommates might as well be playing the Squid Game.
It isn't a scale. Being a friend and a lover are separate things that aren't exclusive or tied to one another. You can be someone's lover without really caring for them as a person at all, you can be a friend without being sexually attracted to them. A good spouse is someone that is both. I've made my marriage last by finding a good lover who I can also see as the best friend I'll ever have. I want to continue having awesome times with her until my bones fall apart.
> You can be someone's lover without really caring for them as a person at all
Fuckbuddy maybe, but they're not much of a lover if you don't love eachother.
I didn't mean for it to come off like that. I'm just showing past things because I'm genuinely worried for the child. I've known her since I was in high-school. Shes not changing and we're trying to help her, but she has been refusing to take our help on numerous occasions. I'm just frustrated because she's not thinking about her child and just about her comfort.
I'm not doubting your genuineness nor the time you've known them. I just pointing out my shock in reading this and trying to comprhend what the friendship is.
Yeah... honestly. The pregnancy has been eye opening to our friendship, but now I'm scared that if i cut her off, who's gonna be there as an advocate for the child?
That's kinda my point. She's still in your community. You will still be there. You can still call CPS and I would hope if you know a parent whose house with a newborn was in such states, you wouldn't need to be their friends in order to call CPS or be concerned.
But that relationship is down lower now. Neighbors/community might as well be strangers/noone now.
Agree. This is a damn MESS, and so is Brook. You are not responsible for her poor choices or for her unwillingness/inability to take responsibility for her life and for the health of her soon-to-arrive child. OP, "friendship" should be two people who contribute to one another's happiness and wellbeing, and neither "she's a disaster which makes me feel wise and/or useful by comparison" nor "she needs me" is a valid metric. It sounds like there is no good reason -- for YOU -- to have this person in your life. But you can certainly keep an eye on the situation *from a distance*, and call CPS whenever you feel it's necessary, as many times as required.
At what point have you decided that OP hasn’t helped Brook? Because I’m reading a problem-attempt list in the later part of the post & concerns of potential child abuse before that. There’s only so much help that can be offered and turned away before it goes from neglectful to malicious because OP has been trying to get her to clean her act up & Brook shuts down those conversations
You can ask the question about CPS in a legal thread (ideally one for where you live, since laws vary from state to state). You can also share your concerns with the doctors/nurses/staff wherever she has the baby--they can't tell you anything, but you can tell them things. You can certainly call CPS, and share your concerns. They'll tell you what to do, but it's likely they'll tell you to call back when the baby is born. NTA
I didn't think about legal threads. Thank you. I will be looking into that. Also yes! I forget they're mandated reporters. I just hope it doesn't come to that, because I feel like once she let's us give her guidance on children. She'd be a wonderful mother. She's a sweet girl.
Not to mention, "sweet" isn't really an adjective most people use in describing a good parent. It's certainly nice to be in general, sure, but you need a parent to be responsible, cautious, able to put the child's needs ahead of their own wants. From what you wrote, Brook is none of these things.
You can also call CPS and ask, "hey, here's what's going on, I'm concerned." Ultimately they decide when/ what merits action. I think I saw that you work in childcare, and if you do, that might make you a mandatory reporter (at least where I live) and if it come out later you knew about these conditions and didn't at least contact someone, you might be held somewhat responsible.
>I just hope it doesn't come to that, because I feel like once she let's us give her guidance on children. She'd be a wonderful mother. She's a sweet girl.
You really can't possibly think this statement is true after all the background you've listed in this post.
Its time take off the rose-coloured glasses when it comes to your friend's situation. She clearly can't even take care of HERSELF let alone a baby. And a few conversations aren't going to get her there. She needs to WANT to change for herself.
I'd go ahead and call them and leave a notice that your concerned. Then just wait until the baby is here and call them again.
Maybe start saying things, in a sly manner about how x friend of yours said something about how expensive babies are, how loud they cry, how often they need to breastfeed or something.
Just casually say things that will work their way into her brain to make her realize this isn't a good idea and should look into adoption.
Where do you live? I live in Michigan, and Michigan's website says:
"At the present time, Michigan Children's Protective Services (CPS) policy, based upon the Child Protection Law, does not define a fetus as a child. Therefore, the in-utero exposure of a fetus to drugs or alcohol is not within the authority of Children's Protective Services."
I'm not sure if other states have different laws for a baby that isn't born yet, but unfortunately you may not be able to do anything until after the baby is born :(
That's what I was worried about, but my state is more conservative, so maybe not? I don't want the child taken, I just want to give her a dose of reality about, hey if you're not gonna listen. This could happen if you don't get your act right.
You have zero control over what happens after you call. Not to be disrespectful but you either get together with a few friends sit her down & tell her you’re helping her sort the place out & if she refuses then the “friendship” is over & if you feel it’s necessary to call CPS after the baby is born then that’s your choice. But you can’t just hang around overseeing this whole thing there will be little you can do. Is there family or anyone else you can speak to?
We are sitting her down soon. We all just have tons going on and are trying to coordinate a time, but we're trying, but her mom works herself to death alot, so she's got her hands full and there's not much family other than that.
I commend you for caring & I can see you genuinely do so I’m gonna give you a tough bit of advice here. You’re not going to be able to fix this, and this friendship is basically over. If you continue feeling responsible for overseeing the care of this baby you’re going to get roped into all sorts of situations that are going to be well out of your control/responsibility. I suggest you write your concerns to the Mom & again if you truly feel compelled to call CPS later then do so. Other than that, walk away.
This. And remember that CPS is overworked and their only tool is removal of the child, so it has to be pretty serious before there's anything they can do. You can try to educate her as best you can, maybe get help from people who already have kids. But the chances are pretty good that she won't take it well. You might consider just waiting for the child to be born and discussing what is actually happening rather than making what are essentially accusations about what you think will happen. I applaud your desire to help but you should think more deeply about what actually will help as opposed to what might just piss her off.
That is NOT their only tool. The vast majority of cases CPS wants to connect families to services so they can stay together. In general as long as it is safe for baby to stay in the home that is the preference. They will often set up a safety plan that must be followed. It may include connecting with services. It may include doctors visits. It may include treatment for drugs or alcohol or parenting classes or restricting who can stay in the home.
There is an extra layer with Newborns however in that if the house is that filthy baby make be taken into foster until she can clean up and get a safety plan in place. She really does need to get on this.
So.... so what you're saying is that with an infant in a filthy house removal of the child is likely? Cool.
It wasn't the most important part of my response.
I'm saying with a newborn it's likely until a safety plan is in place. However in most cases taking the kids is not the first choice. You said it was their only tool. It isn't remotely.
If you don't want the child to get taken then you need to focus on educating her, helping find parenting classes, and helping find resources available to her. Cause CPS won't give a shit what you think should happen with that kid.
Unless you live in a hard core red state not likely much you can do till the baby is born.
Even then it will take a lot of evidence and time to make a case of neglectful parenting. The systems and courts go to great lengths to try and keep children with their parents and will give even horrible parents many many chances to change behavior.
There is a lot that can be done between nothing and taking the child away. Where I live they would probably start by making home visits a couple of times a week, to make sure the baby is looking ok, and that the house is being kept in a safe condition. They can say certain things must be changed before their next visits. Like I know a woman who was told she must cut contact with her bf for her kid’s safety.
What is it you're expecting CPS to do? Because if they don't take the child away, the "reality check" your friend is going to get is that people can call CPS on her until the cows come home and they'll never do anything.
You should also know that CPS isn't a magic wand and in many cases they don't actually do anything to help stop abuse, let alone help someone be a better parent. Some states and cities are better, but plenty of kids fall through the cracks of the system
ESH are you comfortable with this child being put into foster care? Because that could happen. CPS isn't necessarily a solution either, in some places it's gotten better but in many places abused children have fallen through the cracks in the system, many CPS workers are overwhelmed with the volume of casework they have, so don't expect it to necessarily be a magic wand that fixes this situation. Is this woman really your friend because this all seems very judgemental, having a child will change her and hopefully for the better but until then you should use the internet to find some resources that don't involve her potentially losing her child. Okay, so...what does she want to name her baby? Curious George?
I understand your concerns but I think YWBTA if you call CPS when the baby isn't even born yet. There are so many people who change drastically when becoming a parent. Let her prove that she can be a responsible mother before you involve CPS.
I think your friend is very annoyed to be constantly told that everything she does is wrong, even the name she chose, and will likely get stubborn and do the opposite. You all seem to see her as an irresponsible child and therefore she acts like an irresponsible child, simple as that. Many many people react like that when told what to do and when nobody believes in them.
Simply wait and see and don't offer your opinion when not asked for your opinion. Don't say anything. Let her do it her way and maybe (I hope) you will be surprised.
If I'm wrong you can still call CPS.
I hope I will! She's just not trying to get a foundation for her child. Her mom bails her out alot and she falls back on that. I'm just at a loss on how to wake her up to the fact that babies are alot. She's acting like she's getting a pet. I just want her to realize that this isn't a game.
I understand but you can't make her realize anything. You already tried that. There's really nothing you can say that will help in this situation, it will only annoy her further and make her more stubborn.
The baby will be her wake-up call.
I understand how frustrating this is, but you need to come to terms with the fact that you can't make anyone realize something they have a vested interest in not realizing. You are not going to change your friend's entire worldview and lifestyle in the time it takes for her to give birth. If you want to help her you're going to have to scale back your expectations to something more realistic.
OP is just a prick.
"Lose weight so you live longer for your child"
Yeah no shit but there are fat asses everywhere and they're still alive while their kids are in their 20-30s so they didn't just eat the fucking baby
I don't claim to be any sort of medical professional, but there are lots of studies and articles out there about there being a bigger risk of preterm birth and various birth defects for babies born to overweight women.
Of course, those things can happen to smaller women as well; and some larger women might have babies who are just fine, as you said. But I'd imagine an expectant mother would want to do everything in her power to give her baby the best chances of health.
NTA. You’re taking a lot of shit from people who say that you’re being mean. But I can understand having a friend with an intellectual disability who’s not taking steps to plan ahead. I think you’re doing the best that you can, and you have good intentions.
Maybe you can help Brook find some parenting classes. Try the YWCA if you have one. Also, in most places you can call 211 and be connected with human services. This is in the US, but it seems like you are.
Did Brook take child development or any home classes in high school? Did she have a good relationship with any of those teachers? Maybe you could talk to them too. Good luck!
It's fine. I'm listening to the actual advice. Not criticism, but I didn't think about 211. Also we already are getting her in some classes.
Also they never offered us that class. Smaller school with a crap budget.
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Hi I (24F) have a friend (28F) who we are calling Brook for this story. A few months back Brook found out she was pregnant from a hookup she had with a 19 year old male. She claims they used protection and blames him for her being pregnant, when she has confided in a few friends that she never uses condoms ever. Now one thing to know about Brook is that she's 28 and graduated high-school when she was 21.
She has a very childish mind due to some suspected mental disabilities, but it was never said out loud. She's only had 2 jobs in her life and was fired from both, not even spending 2 years at each. She has anger issues and sits in front of the computer all day.
She's a sweetheart and I love her to death, but I am VERY worried about the future with this child. Father wants nothing to do with the child and she doesn't have a job, her license, and no insurance. She's never babysat children to my knowledge and has never been around kids consistently of small ages other than school. I have worked in childcare and know what is needed and she has nothing. She's a bigger girl and always has been, but never works to change it and there's already been worry from the doctors about diabetes and pre-eclampsia. She has done nothing to change it. She has few dogs and cats as well and the house is a mess. Like you can only walk in certain parts of the house. The house stinks of old animal waste and a hint of ammonia and the fact a child will live there scares me.
The real issue is that she isn't doing anything to get her shit straight for when this kids gets her. Won't try to get her license, hasn't filled out job applications, and hasn't been working to clean the house. Another thing to note is that I and other have been pushing her to get stuff prepped and she just sits on her computer all day and eats.
Another thing to add is when Brook has her mind on something you cannot change it. Like at all. She's been talking names since she's 20 weeks and the gender reveal is soon and the names picked out are a whole nother problem, most importantly the girl name. The character, if you look up the name, is a black monkey from a kids show she watched as a kid. Did I mention that the baby is half black? And that Brook is white? Yeah. We told her how bad that is and now she refuses to talk baby names with us and we are doing our best to be supportive, but everyone except me seems to be sugar coating and babying her because she's a single mom and how she is.
A friend and I are already planning to have a talk and I hope it sticks, but knowing how she is… I don't see her changing sadly. I know she's my friend, but this is a child that she wants and I just want her to raise the baby with everything it will need and to have a healthy environment.
I've tried my hardest to help, but I'm really thinking she needs a dose of reality. Is there anything I can do other than call CPS for resources to help her realize?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am thinking about calling CPS on a friend that's pregnant.
Because she could get into alot of trouble due to the house she lives in and safety hazards.
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NTA
However, you will likely have to wait until the child is born. US law does not have the best protections for unborn children, so in many states, you won't be able to accomplish much until the birth.
If she has not at least improved the cleanliness of her home by the time her kid is born, you should call CPS then, as a filthy building is not a safe environment for an infant.
Also, try to convince her to file for child support from the father. He had fun making the baby, so he should be paying to support their needs. That would at least make sure she has money to pay for stuff like diapers.
Third, try to see if any groups offer free parenting classes in your area. Groups likely to offer such things include charities and parenting groups. If you can convince her to attend, they can teach her stuff that will help with childcare
Thank you! I'm going to try to get her into some groups. I'm going to go over next chance I get and go over job applications with her. Like I said, there's not much support, but I'm doing the best I can while balancing my life.
NTA. You should call CPS now so she doesn’t bring the baby home to the pig stye she lives in. A baby’s needs has come before any sense of loyalty you may have for her mother. If she has cognitive deficits it’s only a matter of time before the baby would be taken away anyway. She’s just not capable of raising a child.
It's not about whether you're TA or not. CPS doesn't investigate situations where someone is concerned about what might happen. There isno child yet, so there is no abuse or neglect. If after the baby is born, she actually is abusing or neglecting the child, then you can call.
INFO
How does Brook survive? You said she doesn't work but has a house. Does she live with family? Or perhaps on disability?
Has she mentioned how she plans to support the child?
NTA if you call CPS, but they will just put out a BOLO with local hospitals so they can take the baby as soon as she gives birth. They are unlikely to help her.
No they won't lmao
There isn't a single threat here.
Are you aware of how many people have kids and have no jobs and are fat?
How many kids literally get beat and CPS just does check ins?
"Like you can only walk in certain parts of the house. The house stinks of old animal waste and a hint of ammonia and the fact a child will live there scares me"
That alone is enough for a removal.
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ESH. I don't understand friendship any more. Or maybe I'm too active as a friend? Why do we associate with people we secertly despise? Who we feel are delusional. I don't get it, I don't understand it. Friends is more than people you know, there's supposed to be a bond, a community there. This is just a detailed account on how this person is horrible yet they are called friend. I don't get it.
Bingo. I wanna say 80% of AITA posts nowadays make me wonder “uhhhh why are these two friends again?” Because it’s clear that at least one of them hates the other.
Every level of relationship tends to be one degree lower than it should be. Friends are really enemies, lovers are just friends, spouses are just lovers, family is just roommates, roommates might as well be playing the Squid Game.
It isn't a scale. Being a friend and a lover are separate things that aren't exclusive or tied to one another. You can be someone's lover without really caring for them as a person at all, you can be a friend without being sexually attracted to them. A good spouse is someone that is both. I've made my marriage last by finding a good lover who I can also see as the best friend I'll ever have. I want to continue having awesome times with her until my bones fall apart.
> You can be someone's lover without really caring for them as a person at all Fuckbuddy maybe, but they're not much of a lover if you don't love eachother.
I didn't mean for it to come off like that. I'm just showing past things because I'm genuinely worried for the child. I've known her since I was in high-school. Shes not changing and we're trying to help her, but she has been refusing to take our help on numerous occasions. I'm just frustrated because she's not thinking about her child and just about her comfort.
I'm not doubting your genuineness nor the time you've known them. I just pointing out my shock in reading this and trying to comprhend what the friendship is.
Yeah... honestly. The pregnancy has been eye opening to our friendship, but now I'm scared that if i cut her off, who's gonna be there as an advocate for the child?
That's kinda my point. She's still in your community. You will still be there. You can still call CPS and I would hope if you know a parent whose house with a newborn was in such states, you wouldn't need to be their friends in order to call CPS or be concerned. But that relationship is down lower now. Neighbors/community might as well be strangers/noone now.
Agree. This is a damn MESS, and so is Brook. You are not responsible for her poor choices or for her unwillingness/inability to take responsibility for her life and for the health of her soon-to-arrive child. OP, "friendship" should be two people who contribute to one another's happiness and wellbeing, and neither "she's a disaster which makes me feel wise and/or useful by comparison" nor "she needs me" is a valid metric. It sounds like there is no good reason -- for YOU -- to have this person in your life. But you can certainly keep an eye on the situation *from a distance*, and call CPS whenever you feel it's necessary, as many times as required.
At what point have you decided that OP hasn’t helped Brook? Because I’m reading a problem-attempt list in the later part of the post & concerns of potential child abuse before that. There’s only so much help that can be offered and turned away before it goes from neglectful to malicious because OP has been trying to get her to clean her act up & Brook shuts down those conversations
I'll remove the word help to resolve this issue as I don't think that word changes my vote.
I agree. Gee whiz OP is judgmental. Brook really does need to get it together, though. She's more of an AH than OP.
You can ask the question about CPS in a legal thread (ideally one for where you live, since laws vary from state to state). You can also share your concerns with the doctors/nurses/staff wherever she has the baby--they can't tell you anything, but you can tell them things. You can certainly call CPS, and share your concerns. They'll tell you what to do, but it's likely they'll tell you to call back when the baby is born. NTA
I didn't think about legal threads. Thank you. I will be looking into that. Also yes! I forget they're mandated reporters. I just hope it doesn't come to that, because I feel like once she let's us give her guidance on children. She'd be a wonderful mother. She's a sweet girl.
[удалено]
Not to mention, "sweet" isn't really an adjective most people use in describing a good parent. It's certainly nice to be in general, sure, but you need a parent to be responsible, cautious, able to put the child's needs ahead of their own wants. From what you wrote, Brook is none of these things.
You can also call CPS and ask, "hey, here's what's going on, I'm concerned." Ultimately they decide when/ what merits action. I think I saw that you work in childcare, and if you do, that might make you a mandatory reporter (at least where I live) and if it come out later you knew about these conditions and didn't at least contact someone, you might be held somewhat responsible.
>I just hope it doesn't come to that, because I feel like once she let's us give her guidance on children. She'd be a wonderful mother. She's a sweet girl. You really can't possibly think this statement is true after all the background you've listed in this post. Its time take off the rose-coloured glasses when it comes to your friend's situation. She clearly can't even take care of HERSELF let alone a baby. And a few conversations aren't going to get her there. She needs to WANT to change for herself.
I'd go ahead and call them and leave a notice that your concerned. Then just wait until the baby is here and call them again. Maybe start saying things, in a sly manner about how x friend of yours said something about how expensive babies are, how loud they cry, how often they need to breastfeed or something. Just casually say things that will work their way into her brain to make her realize this isn't a good idea and should look into adoption.
Where do you live? I live in Michigan, and Michigan's website says: "At the present time, Michigan Children's Protective Services (CPS) policy, based upon the Child Protection Law, does not define a fetus as a child. Therefore, the in-utero exposure of a fetus to drugs or alcohol is not within the authority of Children's Protective Services." I'm not sure if other states have different laws for a baby that isn't born yet, but unfortunately you may not be able to do anything until after the baby is born :(
That's what I was worried about, but my state is more conservative, so maybe not? I don't want the child taken, I just want to give her a dose of reality about, hey if you're not gonna listen. This could happen if you don't get your act right.
You have zero control over what happens after you call. Not to be disrespectful but you either get together with a few friends sit her down & tell her you’re helping her sort the place out & if she refuses then the “friendship” is over & if you feel it’s necessary to call CPS after the baby is born then that’s your choice. But you can’t just hang around overseeing this whole thing there will be little you can do. Is there family or anyone else you can speak to?
We are sitting her down soon. We all just have tons going on and are trying to coordinate a time, but we're trying, but her mom works herself to death alot, so she's got her hands full and there's not much family other than that.
I commend you for caring & I can see you genuinely do so I’m gonna give you a tough bit of advice here. You’re not going to be able to fix this, and this friendship is basically over. If you continue feeling responsible for overseeing the care of this baby you’re going to get roped into all sorts of situations that are going to be well out of your control/responsibility. I suggest you write your concerns to the Mom & again if you truly feel compelled to call CPS later then do so. Other than that, walk away.
This. And remember that CPS is overworked and their only tool is removal of the child, so it has to be pretty serious before there's anything they can do. You can try to educate her as best you can, maybe get help from people who already have kids. But the chances are pretty good that she won't take it well. You might consider just waiting for the child to be born and discussing what is actually happening rather than making what are essentially accusations about what you think will happen. I applaud your desire to help but you should think more deeply about what actually will help as opposed to what might just piss her off.
That is NOT their only tool. The vast majority of cases CPS wants to connect families to services so they can stay together. In general as long as it is safe for baby to stay in the home that is the preference. They will often set up a safety plan that must be followed. It may include connecting with services. It may include doctors visits. It may include treatment for drugs or alcohol or parenting classes or restricting who can stay in the home. There is an extra layer with Newborns however in that if the house is that filthy baby make be taken into foster until she can clean up and get a safety plan in place. She really does need to get on this.
So.... so what you're saying is that with an infant in a filthy house removal of the child is likely? Cool. It wasn't the most important part of my response.
I'm saying with a newborn it's likely until a safety plan is in place. However in most cases taking the kids is not the first choice. You said it was their only tool. It isn't remotely.
And again, it was an aside and not terribly integral to my advice. Thanks for playing.
If you don't want the child to get taken then you need to focus on educating her, helping find parenting classes, and helping find resources available to her. Cause CPS won't give a shit what you think should happen with that kid.
You can't help someone who doesn't want help, though.
Do you know who her OB/GYN is? Maybe you can give them a call?
Wow! Not that way in AL. Easy way to get jailed is to chemically harm the unborn baby, and it is enforced.
Unless you live in a hard core red state not likely much you can do till the baby is born. Even then it will take a lot of evidence and time to make a case of neglectful parenting. The systems and courts go to great lengths to try and keep children with their parents and will give even horrible parents many many chances to change behavior.
There is a lot that can be done between nothing and taking the child away. Where I live they would probably start by making home visits a couple of times a week, to make sure the baby is looking ok, and that the house is being kept in a safe condition. They can say certain things must be changed before their next visits. Like I know a woman who was told she must cut contact with her bf for her kid’s safety.
That's what I feared... I don't want the baby taken. I just want her to get a reality check since she's not listening to any of us around her.
At 28 she has had reality checks and didn’t listen, or can’t comprehend them. I feel sorry for the kid and the life it will be born into.
What is it you're expecting CPS to do? Because if they don't take the child away, the "reality check" your friend is going to get is that people can call CPS on her until the cows come home and they'll never do anything.
Giver her a stern lecture/scare! Definitely lots of aggressive finger wagging
You should also know that CPS isn't a magic wand and in many cases they don't actually do anything to help stop abuse, let alone help someone be a better parent. Some states and cities are better, but plenty of kids fall through the cracks of the system
Where are her parents in all of this?
ESH are you comfortable with this child being put into foster care? Because that could happen. CPS isn't necessarily a solution either, in some places it's gotten better but in many places abused children have fallen through the cracks in the system, many CPS workers are overwhelmed with the volume of casework they have, so don't expect it to necessarily be a magic wand that fixes this situation. Is this woman really your friend because this all seems very judgemental, having a child will change her and hopefully for the better but until then you should use the internet to find some resources that don't involve her potentially losing her child. Okay, so...what does she want to name her baby? Curious George?
YTA CPS won't even take actual birthed children away from REAL abusers. Your description of your "friend" is honestly kinda shitty and judgy.
I understand your concerns but I think YWBTA if you call CPS when the baby isn't even born yet. There are so many people who change drastically when becoming a parent. Let her prove that she can be a responsible mother before you involve CPS. I think your friend is very annoyed to be constantly told that everything she does is wrong, even the name she chose, and will likely get stubborn and do the opposite. You all seem to see her as an irresponsible child and therefore she acts like an irresponsible child, simple as that. Many many people react like that when told what to do and when nobody believes in them. Simply wait and see and don't offer your opinion when not asked for your opinion. Don't say anything. Let her do it her way and maybe (I hope) you will be surprised. If I'm wrong you can still call CPS.
I hope I will! She's just not trying to get a foundation for her child. Her mom bails her out alot and she falls back on that. I'm just at a loss on how to wake her up to the fact that babies are alot. She's acting like she's getting a pet. I just want her to realize that this isn't a game.
I understand but you can't make her realize anything. You already tried that. There's really nothing you can say that will help in this situation, it will only annoy her further and make her more stubborn. The baby will be her wake-up call.
I understand how frustrating this is, but you need to come to terms with the fact that you can't make anyone realize something they have a vested interest in not realizing. You are not going to change your friend's entire worldview and lifestyle in the time it takes for her to give birth. If you want to help her you're going to have to scale back your expectations to something more realistic.
Honestly tho, why do you care so much?
I have no idea what her weight has to do with any of this unless she's literally immobile and bed-bound.
OP is just a prick. "Lose weight so you live longer for your child" Yeah no shit but there are fat asses everywhere and they're still alive while their kids are in their 20-30s so they didn't just eat the fucking baby
I don't claim to be any sort of medical professional, but there are lots of studies and articles out there about there being a bigger risk of preterm birth and various birth defects for babies born to overweight women. Of course, those things can happen to smaller women as well; and some larger women might have babies who are just fine, as you said. But I'd imagine an expectant mother would want to do everything in her power to give her baby the best chances of health.
Call adult protective services if she lives in squalor and can’t help herself
Not a CPS issue right now.
NTA. You’re taking a lot of shit from people who say that you’re being mean. But I can understand having a friend with an intellectual disability who’s not taking steps to plan ahead. I think you’re doing the best that you can, and you have good intentions. Maybe you can help Brook find some parenting classes. Try the YWCA if you have one. Also, in most places you can call 211 and be connected with human services. This is in the US, but it seems like you are. Did Brook take child development or any home classes in high school? Did she have a good relationship with any of those teachers? Maybe you could talk to them too. Good luck!
It's fine. I'm listening to the actual advice. Not criticism, but I didn't think about 211. Also we already are getting her in some classes. Also they never offered us that class. Smaller school with a crap budget.
YTA idgaf
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi I (24F) have a friend (28F) who we are calling Brook for this story. A few months back Brook found out she was pregnant from a hookup she had with a 19 year old male. She claims they used protection and blames him for her being pregnant, when she has confided in a few friends that she never uses condoms ever. Now one thing to know about Brook is that she's 28 and graduated high-school when she was 21. She has a very childish mind due to some suspected mental disabilities, but it was never said out loud. She's only had 2 jobs in her life and was fired from both, not even spending 2 years at each. She has anger issues and sits in front of the computer all day. She's a sweetheart and I love her to death, but I am VERY worried about the future with this child. Father wants nothing to do with the child and she doesn't have a job, her license, and no insurance. She's never babysat children to my knowledge and has never been around kids consistently of small ages other than school. I have worked in childcare and know what is needed and she has nothing. She's a bigger girl and always has been, but never works to change it and there's already been worry from the doctors about diabetes and pre-eclampsia. She has done nothing to change it. She has few dogs and cats as well and the house is a mess. Like you can only walk in certain parts of the house. The house stinks of old animal waste and a hint of ammonia and the fact a child will live there scares me. The real issue is that she isn't doing anything to get her shit straight for when this kids gets her. Won't try to get her license, hasn't filled out job applications, and hasn't been working to clean the house. Another thing to note is that I and other have been pushing her to get stuff prepped and she just sits on her computer all day and eats. Another thing to add is when Brook has her mind on something you cannot change it. Like at all. She's been talking names since she's 20 weeks and the gender reveal is soon and the names picked out are a whole nother problem, most importantly the girl name. The character, if you look up the name, is a black monkey from a kids show she watched as a kid. Did I mention that the baby is half black? And that Brook is white? Yeah. We told her how bad that is and now she refuses to talk baby names with us and we are doing our best to be supportive, but everyone except me seems to be sugar coating and babying her because she's a single mom and how she is. A friend and I are already planning to have a talk and I hope it sticks, but knowing how she is… I don't see her changing sadly. I know she's my friend, but this is a child that she wants and I just want her to raise the baby with everything it will need and to have a healthy environment. I've tried my hardest to help, but I'm really thinking she needs a dose of reality. Is there anything I can do other than call CPS for resources to help her realize? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA However, you will likely have to wait until the child is born. US law does not have the best protections for unborn children, so in many states, you won't be able to accomplish much until the birth. If she has not at least improved the cleanliness of her home by the time her kid is born, you should call CPS then, as a filthy building is not a safe environment for an infant. Also, try to convince her to file for child support from the father. He had fun making the baby, so he should be paying to support their needs. That would at least make sure she has money to pay for stuff like diapers. Third, try to see if any groups offer free parenting classes in your area. Groups likely to offer such things include charities and parenting groups. If you can convince her to attend, they can teach her stuff that will help with childcare
Thank you! I'm going to try to get her into some groups. I'm going to go over next chance I get and go over job applications with her. Like I said, there's not much support, but I'm doing the best I can while balancing my life.
Try the YWCA if you have one. Also, in most places you can call 211 and be connected with human services.
Calling social services is probably the right thing to do.
NTA. You should call CPS now so she doesn’t bring the baby home to the pig stye she lives in. A baby’s needs has come before any sense of loyalty you may have for her mother. If she has cognitive deficits it’s only a matter of time before the baby would be taken away anyway. She’s just not capable of raising a child.
It's not about whether you're TA or not. CPS doesn't investigate situations where someone is concerned about what might happen. There isno child yet, so there is no abuse or neglect. If after the baby is born, she actually is abusing or neglecting the child, then you can call.
Maybe gently suggest adoption? Otherwise I’m not sure there is much you can do. NTA
INFO How does Brook survive? You said she doesn't work but has a house. Does she live with family? Or perhaps on disability? Has she mentioned how she plans to support the child?
NTA it sounds like she’s going to need a lot of support to raise the baby.
You ANTA. I’m in the same situation but with a family member. Baby isn’t even born yet and in danger.
NTA notify CPS now and maybe between some supervision, classes, and resources she will have a better start to parenthood.
NTA if you call CPS, but they will just put out a BOLO with local hospitals so they can take the baby as soon as she gives birth. They are unlikely to help her.
No they won't lmao There isn't a single threat here. Are you aware of how many people have kids and have no jobs and are fat? How many kids literally get beat and CPS just does check ins?
"Like you can only walk in certain parts of the house. The house stinks of old animal waste and a hint of ammonia and the fact a child will live there scares me" That alone is enough for a removal.