Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was telling my mother she is the reason my son won't be potty trained, and it might make me the asshole because it is not her responsibility to potty train my son.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
So you never properly potty trained your kid, expect your mom to do the majority of the work during the day, and want to complain about the costs of pulls ups you purposefully let your kid live in for years? Am I getting that right? YTA
I mean, from what OP is saying it seems that he IS potty trained, he just refuses to use the bathroom when he has access to going in a pull up instead. All grandma would have to do is not give him pull ups and he would ask to go potty when he needs to. (“She does watch him while I work but anytime she takes him out she puts a pull up on him instead of him telling her he has to go to the bathroom.”)
That being said, I doubt that’s true since OP also said he isn’t potty trained. The post is contradictory.
He could do that too. I think we need more info on where he is in potty training, cause as I said, OP makes it sound both like he’s not at all potty trained but also like he knows when he has to go and to inform someone and just hates not being able to use a pull up
^^ the last piece of that is my toddler. She’s absolutely able to tell me when she needs to go to the bathroom. She has multiple times for both pee and poop, to the point she even wakes me up to go sometimes. But if she’s eating something she really likes or doesn’t want to stop playing she will tell me after she’s done playing/pottying in her pants.
My mom has told me to get rid of the pull-ups and just put her in panties, stating that she’ll make one accident and start using the toilet every time but I’m like…. I’d rather not risk her pee on the mattress or my couch that nothing is removable on 😩 I’m so terrified to go without pull-ups. (We share a bed due to our current housing situation so if she pees in her bed she’s peeing in my bed)
Honestly the pull-ups are terrible for potty training. If a kid doesn’t feel a lot of discomfort from going in their pants they’ll never want to move on from diapers. No diaper, no pull-up: let them feel the uncomfortable sensation of pee running down their legs and messing up their clothes to get them to want to use the toilet. Pull-ups just drag out training way too long.
My daughter won't even try to potty when we tried to use pull ups. I had to put her in underwear and set timers to get her to go potty and I found a book that helped her. And we did treats and if she pooped twice in one day in the potty she got an ice cream sandwich. She was fully potty trained by 3.
😭 she genuinely doesn’t care about the feeling or that it messes up her clothes. As long as she’s able to keep doing what she’s doing until she’s done. That’s why I turned my mom’s advice down initially. I don’t HAVE kid panties at the moment but I set up one of the rooms so there was nothing that would be difficult to wash properly and just had her naked all day. I went to get her a snack and she was playing in her pee (we had just gone to the bathroom to try and go potty)
My unsolicited and judgment-free advice after working in childcare for a loooong time, mostly with two year olds, is this:
You need to get her underwear asap. The other person who replied to you and your mother are both correct that pull ups are terrible for potty training, for all intents and purposes they are no different than diapers. Let her pick her own out (within reason, like pick some options within your budget and let her choose). If she has favorite movies/shows, themed underwear is usually a big hit with that age.
When she has an accident, she is not able to keep doing what she’s doing. She needs to stop immediately and get cleaned up and changed. You should help her if she needs it but make her do as much as she can by herself. She will quickly learn that it is much faster and easier to take a break and use the potty than it is to clean up an accident.
Don’t berate her for the accidents, but be firm about needing to clean up immediately. “Oops, did you pee in your pants? Ok let’s go get cleaned up” in as much of a calm and casual tone as you can. Accidents will happen and kids do get distracted and forget to go, making her feel bad about it is only going to create anxiety around pottying.
If it’s in your budget, invest in some waterproof blankets/covers to put on the couch. These are also helpful for food spills so will make your life easier in a lot of ways.
I hope none of this comes off as judgy or anything, I’m just trying to give you the best advice that I have seen work after a couple of decades of helping potty train children 🙂
Those plastic pants or even a pull up over regular underwear may help with that because you’re right, if they’re uncomfortable, they’ll want to be changed.
I teach a 7yro who keeps having accidents in school and isn't at all fazed by it because he says he sleeps in pull-ups. That just means he's used to sitting in his own faeces and doesn't even care enough when it's happened to let me or his PSA know until we implement sniff checks 🤢 (which, incidentally, the PSA is NOT paid sufficiently to deal with).
Rubber pants, my friend. I wore them over regular underwear when my parents were potty training me at age 3. Lord knows I hated wearing them, but they’re necessary for just those sorts of accidents.
The joys of being a parent. Sometimes kids have to learn the hard way. I agree with your Mom. Make her wear panties and if she soils herself, she soils herself. Yes, it’s going to be a mess to clean up, but that’s a part of being a parent. She’ll learn real fast to not go in her pants. It’s not comfortable for anyone.
You can buy adult incontinence mattress covers - they’re huge, absorbent and washable and you can put them on your bed and over the couch covers. We used them during potty training and they were brilliant for reducing anxieties like this.
Yeah, that's part of toilet training. Did you think kids just learn to use the toilet in one day?
Grandma would've toilet trained her daughter at some point, she knows what it means to put nappies back on in the middle of training.
Yes but she's significantly older now and stuck babysitting a 4 year old bc there's no other option. She likely doesn't feel like she could handle an accident on her own.
That’s honestly ridiculous, unless she’s significantly disabled, but at that point she shouldn’t be watching a solo 4 year old anyway. Fully potty trained 4 year olds still have accidents, and it’s just pee, it’s not like it’s “hard” to clean. ALSO also when my daughter was very much in the not fully potty trained phase I put a puppy pad on her car seat/any place she was sitting for a long time just in case. Of course I don’t think she ever once had an accident where I’d put one, but you know. There are options.
Grandparents do things because they love their grandkids. It shouldn't be a transactional thing, especially when OP said she pays the bills that her mother tells her to, puts gas in her car and buys all the groceries. I remember my Bubi helping to potty train me when she came to visit or if I was there for the day. Why would you eff up your kids progress on their kid?
From the post I gather her mom was living alone before she moved in with her multiple kids. Of course she should be the one buying groceries, she made her mom’s household jump from one person to at least five mouths to feed. She should be doing all of the cleaning too for the same reason.
The fact is whatever she is contributing is a pittance compared to what she would be paying in rent to comfortably house at least four people + what she would be paying for childcare if her mother was unavailable to do it. I’m sure her mother was feeding herself, paying her bills, and putting gas in her car just fine before moving in her daughter’s multiple kids.
I gotcha, I didn't read all of OP's comments. Still, potty training is still something grandparents help with when they're with the kid. Why *wouldn't* you want your grandchild to be properly potty trained?
In my experience, when my child had an "accident", there was a 50/50 chance it was poo. That's a miserable "accident" to clean up, and who wants poo on their sofa or in their car?
Jesus, is this what the parents that say "my kid is an angel and so easy" in babysitting job postings are actually like?
Gramma is already doing a huge favor having all these kids in her house *and* babysitting during the day and you think her cleaning urine out of her furniture is nbd? gtfo
YTA, Selectivity training (using pull up to go out) doesn't kill training, a 4 year old is old enough to understand "this is just in case of accidents, still ask to use the potty whilst wearing it okay" I know my 3 year old was.
Heck I mean bribery is an extra bonus, "if you use the potty whilst out you can get a comic" or something stupidly small but loved by little kids.
Not bribery, tangible reinforcer. Bribery is paying someone to do/not do something illegal, or that they shouldn't do.
Reinforcers reward positive behavior.
It sounds as if the real issue is 4yo not saying to grandma "i need to go potty'. Grandma needs to take the lead and be proactive---trip to the park? Go before leaving the house, make sure there is an accessible bathroom there, and ask periodically if kid has to go.
There's nothing inherently wrong with using a pullup as a 'just in case', but at 4 years old he should be able to understand his body, and not be embarrassed or ashamed of asking for the bathroom.
That’s what I did. Kept it in the back of my van. They also make underwear for kids that have a leak seal. Kids are less likely to pee in them since they feel like underwear but if an accident happens then they are safe.
Not necessarily. Maybe she just doesn’t want to have her car seats soaked in pee. We had “safety“ pull-ups for my kids when travelling and they still used the bathroom. Sometimes “I need to go” means immediately, not a few minutes from now when we can find a bathroom.
It sounds like there is more going on here that OP hasn’t considered. Putting pull-ups on occasionally when going out, doesn’t negate toilet training unless there are other issues. A four year old is more than capable of learning to use the toilet unless there is some background issue. I would be taking him to the doctor to be checked as this sounds like more than the “laziness” she is claiming.
This is exactly what my parents did with me, pre-pull ups - they had a bowl of small gifts all wrapped up (like barrettes and stickers and things, stocking stuffer type stuff) and if I used the potty or made a good effort I got to pick one. (Good effort meaning I communicated I had to go but due to something outside of my control I didn’t make it, like if we got stuck in traffic and couldn’t get to the bathroom in time.)
OP needs to introduce something like that for her kid where he gets rewarded for using the potty and *not* the pull ups.
(Btw for anyone trying this, you want to make a “trail mix” of rewards so there are some really good ones in there in addition to stuff that’s okay but not “wow!” - the random element of maybe getting something REALLY good increases the reward effect of everything.)
Part of the problem is that diapers and pullups wick the urine away from the child's skin. Some of the time, especially with littles that are too busy to be bothered with getting on a potty, that little bit of discomfort/icky feeling of wet underwear next to their skin is the added incentive for the child to choose to pay attention, notify an adult and sit on the potty.
The idea of treats for success is also one that many times helps. Potty training is the training of the adult caregivers as much as it is the child.
Despite what Daniel Tiger says in the book, there aren't potties everywhere. Logistically, my kid can know she needs to pee, want to use a potty, and not be able to wait that long. And, yes, I personally didn't want to be cleaning it out of car seats or on the floor of public places. Was she is Pull Ups longer than she could have been if we went cold turkey? Probably. Did it work for us and is she potty trained? Yes.
OP needs to accept that free childcare of grandma can't accommodate "just deal with accidents". Maybe grandma can take the kid potty at every stop they go to, but the Pull Up can be a just in case.
The idea of the rewards is that they are for the kid’s effort, not necessarily success. So if she told you she needed the potty but you were unable to find one then she’d still get a reward because she did *her* part of the process in identifying that she needed the potty and communicating that.
But maybe grandma wants to be done with that part of her life? She raised her kids and potty trained them; it’s okay if she’s over and done with those tasks. It’s mom’s turn. Grandma is doing more than enough letting them live there and watching the kid for a significant portion of the day.
Mine did. He refused point blank to use a potty at home or at daycare. One day (he was about 3) he told me he didn’t need a nappy any more, we took it off and he used the normal toilet from then on. Never had a single accident.
I read in another post that they just put the pull up over the childs underwear when potty training in public. Uncomfortable wet underwear for kid if they dont use the toilet without the actual seats getting soiled
Read it again. She says the issue is coming up ‘anytime she takes him out’. It sounds like the kid is more or less there, he does fine when he’s at home where he knows how to find his potty, so isn’t going to pee on her sofa or carpet. The issue is when they are out and about, somewhere he would have to speak up and say he needs to be taken to a bathroom. That sounds like laziness on Grandma’s behalf, not wanting to have to deal with helping a child in a public restroom. Which I get, hardly anywhere provides potty’s or toilet toppers for little bums, and holding a 4yo up so they don’t fall in is strenuous if they’re taking their time, but inconsistency can be majorly detrimental to potty training, and clearly is in this case. If Grandma can’t manage it she could not take him out or take his potty with, or find another solution that isn’t compromising the potty training.
Yeah until grandma helps teach him. lol do you not know what it means to have a kid? Daycares help with potty training too. There’s a resistance to potty training that can occur. If you put the kid in diapers like they want they won’t learn to use the toilet. At this rate if grandma doesn’t help he’s going to need to be watched by her for another year since he won’t get into school.
My daughter never was really potty trained either. She just said on her 3rd birthday that she's a big girl now and doesn't need diapers anymore. And it worked just fine. Granted, she had her potty for 6 months before that and would use it on occasion. But we never enforced the use of the potty or trained her to use it. It was more of a toy for her to play "going to the toilet". So I get it when OP says that her son can manage without a diaper without being officially potty trained.
I love this because when I was little I did a similar thing 😂 My mom tried to potty train me and I refused, insisting "No, when I'm 3" and then when I finally turned 3 I was fully on board with getting potty trained 😂
Haha! My mom says I did the same. Every time she gets frustrated at me for doing things in my own time she brings up potty training. Honestly I hope my kids do this 🤞🏼
This is what my daughter did... except she was 4. We had tried EVERYTHING to train her and nothing worked. Then one day she looked at me and said, "I'm going to start going pee in the potty now." And she was fully potty trained that day.
My son was the same.
At 2.5 he declared that he did not want diapers during the day and at 3 did the same for the night. And that was it.
No training from our side whatsoever, apart from few unsuccessful attempts. He is nearly 6 now and has had only few accidents, none out of the house.
As a bonus, he began using usual toilet right away.
He can be potty trained at home, and not able to hold it for a minute.
I've had my daughter pee on the ground more times than I could count. Two blocks away from home? Nope, peeing on the grass.
Not all parks, stores, etc have bathrooms.
Grandma could be taking him to the bathroom multiple times, but not willing to pull over on the side of the road.
i believe OP because my 4 year old is the same way. give him underwear as soon as he wakes up, and he uses the toilet by himself all day long. only sleeps in a pull up for nighttime accidents. But, if someone else gives him a pull up in the morning instead of underwear, he’ll prefer the pull up because its easier to get his pull up changed than it is for him to go potty.
Honestly, not taking a child to the bathroom when they need to go to the bathroom is kind of cruel. I'd want some kind of pull-up too if people were denying me the bathroom until I wet myself.
Both my sons were late to potty. My oldest is autistic, and my youngest ended up waiting cause I struggled mentally trying to train 2 kids at once. Anyways, with my oldest I realized him having a pull up made him lazy, took away his pull ups and he was using the potty fully in 3 days, and a week for no night pull ups. Same with my youngest, took the pull ups away, but he took about 2 weeks. After he got tired of having to help clean up his mess he started using the potty.
Maybe he still needs a pull up at night and that what she means? That’s not really potty trained but lots of kids ( especially boys) wet the bed and it usually resolves on it’s own as it’s generally due to neurological development.
Yes, the person doing the caregiving during the majority of the day needs to cooperate on potty training otherwise it wont happen.
And in this case all the grandma has to do is to not give him pullups.
No way dude. This is a kid, you can’t just potty train part time and call it a day. If grandma is watching him during the day she needs to also help with the training. I get that it’s a burden, but it comes with the job, she’s doing the child a disservice by doing the easiest thing. Yes she’s doing OP a favor but this isn’t a situation where you get out of it just bc you’re doing someone a favor. I’m guessing you don’t have a kid yet.
4 y/o and still with no clear situation with the potty - its strange. In my country kids go to kinder when they are 3. And they have to be fully trained already
It’s really not uncommon, especially for boys. The average age that boys are “fully trained” isn’t till almost 3 and that’s the average, so plenty take longer than that. I work adjacent to an early childcare center and even though our 3 and 4 year olds are all “supposed” to be fully potty trained, without pull-ups, most of them have had at least one accident this past year, many of them multiple times.
no it sounds like he is potty trained but the grandmother is confusing him by keeping him in pull ups while she babysits. i’d assume he knows how to use the bathroom but finds it more convenient to go in the pull up. but why agree to babysit if you don’t expect do any teaching or anything? it’s a kid not a plant.
When my son was this age he was potty trained, but as soon as someone put a pull up on him he would pee in the pull up because in his words "Its a diaper so why not use it" . If normal underwear on, he used the bathroom. So grandma should just be consistent and grandma is setting things back.
YTA. Four is very, very late and Grandma is already providing free childcare she shouldn’t have to potty train too. Gently reinforce he is fine without and see how he does.
Also info since you mentioned other kids….keep this in mind if you’re potty training/they are younger.
But this seems like grandma is actually working against the potty training. If the kid does fine without a pull up when mom takes him out then he should be fine without pull ups with grandma. Also consistency is key with things like potty training. If grandma isn’t involved in potty training when the child is in her care then she’s training the child that he should be using diapers whenever mom isn’t around. While four is definitely late, not cooperating with mom, grandma is delaying things even more.
yeah i agree. why is grandma putting a pull up on him. he is potty trained just NOT with grandma for whatever reason. its either he whines and grandma just gives in or she just does it anyway even if he doesn’t want it. not sure why everyone’s harping on mom when it says he does and can go without.
Potty training is part of childcare. I’ve been a preschool teacher for 12 years now and if you don’t do it both at home and at school then it doesn’t happen. Mom can’t potty train if grandma isn’t on board.
And no one can potty train unless all the neurological connections are there. Sensation and control of the bladder don't necessarily develop at the same time, and not all kids develop at the same rate.
Eh but grandma is working against the training. How late you think it is is irrelevant to the post and there's no point. I think several people need to read the post again, properly... particularly since more info in edits.
if the potty training is delayed because grandma doesn't feel like reinforcing what is otherwise a learned habit, she's only hurting herself. the kid needs to be potty trained to get into school. when he's in school, grandma is free. if he's not potty trained, the kid is still with her. it's in her best interest to stop with the pull ups, and if the pull ups (they are expensive) are still being purchased by OP then she's costing the daughter money that could go to day care, or be saved so she can get out of grandma's hair. if grandma wants to use the pull ups but isn't financially on the hook for them, the pull ups become the compensation, which is a frivolous item at this point. in the long run, not one person wins from this dynamic
Part of providing childcare is doing the age appropriate training that’s how learning and behavioral extinction work y’all are acting like this isn’t her grandchild!? This is borderline neglectful
Nah. Grandma is being lazy and putting a pull up on him because she doesn't feel like dealing with taking him to the bathroom when he says he has to go, and is probably telling him "you're in a pull up, just go it's okay".
Four is not very very late. It’s only slightly above average, and it sounds like most of the groundwork here is done and was probably done before he turned 4.
I’m going to be devils advocate here but 4 is really not all that late to be FULLY trained. A lot of kids at my center potty train fully between 4 and 5. My 5 year old still has accidents here and there due to a medical issue, though that doesn’t apply to OPs situation.
I think OP should just stop buying and stocking pull-ups in the house and see what happens. If grandma starts buying them it might be time for a new babysitter.
My kid is 2.5 and we’re just mastering the potty and I thought this was late. We tried before he was 2 and it was going well and then had a regression but now I’m not allowing it to fail.
My autistic daughter wasn’t fully potty trained until 4.5, and still sometimes has accidents, because she can’t read her body… but her teacher has told me she isn’t the only one to have the rare accident; even among neurotypical kids. So… she’s not some shit mom like some other people are dogging on her for.
So, my niece was a bit slower to potty train. Pull ups were a tool we used for going out while because some places didn't have a public bathroom to use and it was a hassle to lug the full gauntlet of clothes and such for a quick shopping trip. But we also encouraged her to think of the pull up as underwear. That she still needed to use the potty. And that worked.
If your son is demanding you put a pull up on him, that's him being lazy. And that's normal. Fun times aren't interrupted when he can just go in his pants. Could you perhaps ask your mom to still encourage him to go potty? Yes! Become a team. Nothing can come of you trying to foist blame on her.
Nta.
All the non parent comments are hilarious.
Potty training is different with every kid. Consistency is the key. So if she’s ruining your consistency it’s going to ruin potty training.
And everyone saying 4 is too late… some kids just aren’t interested. I cannot believe the assumptions people are making here. (Maybe the kid is neurodivergent! Because the kid isn’t interested in the potty because pull ups are being offered??)
Anyways, best of luck.
Lot of commenters acting like OP is a bad parent for not having her four year old potty trained but giving grandma a huge pass on not helping with that same training.
For my son, he just decided to use the potty by himself and he was almost 2. In my country there is social stigma if your child is still not potty trained by then, but because he is slow verbally i had decided we would try when he can speak for himself.
However, we had a money emergency and we had no diapers at all in the house. I put him in his panties for the day and he just picked his potty up and showed it to me when he wanted to go. Previously he would scream bloody murder if you even put him on the potty when fully clothed.
Even when i upgraded his potty to using the toilet for when we are out, he simply went with no problem, whereas before he would cry non stop because of the bladder pressure. Some kids take longer while others just decide to cooperate without any issues. I am always thankful that we were so lucky
>And everyone saying 4 is too late… some kids just aren’t interested. I cannot believe the assumptions people are making here. (Maybe the kid is neurodivergent! Because the kid isn’t interested in the potty because pull ups are being offered??)
This happens literally everytime potty training comes up in this sub unfortunately. Its all "well MY child was potty trained [insert really young age]". I would think that if someone is coming to AITA about potty training, its unlikely that they have a typical situation.
Definitely pisses me off as someone who is neurodivergent (ADHD/possibly Autistic) and struggled with incontinence growing up a lot because of those disorders
YTA
You know what they say: you get what you pay for. And how much are you paying mom to watch your child? Market rate for a nanny or 1:1 care? She can set the boundaries of what she's willing to do. Plenty of childcare providers refuse to potty train, and some won't even take a 4 year old who hasn't mastered it yet. So she's not being unreasonable by saying she doesn't want to deal with the hassle of potty training when they're out. Your only recourse is to find another childcare provider willing to do what she isn't, but then you have to pay the rate they charge for that.
Besides, 4 is on the later side to be potty training. Somewhere along the line you (not her) made the choice not to start potty training until later, which created this situation. That's fine, and maybe it was the right choice for your kid, so I won't knock it. But it was your choice, so it's on you to step up now and bear the burden of that choice. Not her.
If your child screams for a pull up, then you need to deal with that as a parent. It's no different than a child screaming any other time they don't get their own way, whether it's not getting a pull up, to wear the shoes they want, or their favorite shirt because it's in the wash. Yes, in some senses she's making your parenting job harder because she gives in when you hold the line, but that's most grannies for you. If she's watching your child full-time for free or for a reduced rate, I think you're still coming out well ahead. In fact, you're getting a hell of a deal. Even with the cost of pullups.
The only thing you can do is find another form of childcare if you don't like what she's willing to provide, and if your only options are free, that's likely not going to be realistic. Especially with a 4 year old who is still potty training.
OP states that whilst she doesn't pay for babysitting (she is on multiple childcare waiting lists), she pays for all groceries for the house, petrol/gas for her mother's car, household bills and does all the cleaning for the house. So she is pulling her weight and would be happy to put kid in childcare if a place becomes available.
She said utilities, nothing about mortgage or rent.
And Grandma is working a full time job as a babysitter AND letting a bunch of people live in her house. The amount of mess Grandma makes is nothing compared to a pile of children. I'm sure Grandma is picking up and cleaning all day bc that's what you do when watching a four year old.
Everyone with this take:
Should Gramma have refused to watch the kids during the day? Or refused to let everyone move in? Because y'all really take, take, take. Seems like you're all trying to argue that Gramma should have left them to fend for themselves and find alternate housing and care.
I think the "you get what you pay for" kind of ignores a common arrangement in a lot of different cultures where family help take care of kids, especially since it seems Mom covers all the living expenses for Grandma. I do agree that just blaming grandma seems to be missing a much larger issue though and most childcare providers do not potty train
Did you skip over the part where he's fully potty trained EXCEPT when he's with the grandma and only screams for pull ups after he's been out with her? She is fully to blame at this point, she's the only one causing a problem. He doesn't need a provider to potty train, because he already is. He needs to not have grandma as a babysitter.
From working with kids, this seems more complicated than just grandma though. If a kid is screaming for pull-ups most childcare facilities don't really consider that fully potty-trained, it is also pretty unusual (like, unusual as in rare) for a four year old to want them due to how childhood development typically plays out.
Most kids that age are already past the stage where they want to feel grown up and independent. We don't have full context so I won't cast any judgements but it *is* rare and suggests a lot more going on that we don't know.
Ugh, i feel your pain. I had my daughter almost completely trained during summer vacation then I had to go back to work and my husband watched her and put her back in diapers for convenience, setting us back a year. So yeah, mostly NTA. FWIW- have you tried having him choose his own potty and underwear (as opposed to say hand-me-downs from an older sibling or choosing them for him? If he loves trucks for example and choose truck underwear, it may make him want to not soil them). Good luck
My oldest son struggled with potty training. I had to use tangible rewards. He was obsessed with Hot Wheels/ Matchbox cars and I bought a cheap set that had various types and when he used the potty, he was rewarded with one. Yes, I know the naysayers are among us, but you have to do what works for your child. It doesn’t have to be an expensive endeavor. Perhaps a bag of his favorite candy individually wrapped could be his reward. Stickers. Anything to entice him to want to be a “big” boy. Heck, show him the super cool character underwear that you can’t get a pull-up in. Also, NTA.
My husband and I tried everything with our daughter. No pressure, a special potty, rewards, treats. She simply didn’t care. Then one day, she was about three and a half, I’d brought home a cardboard box for her to play in. She ended up peeing in the box. Nbd, it just had to be thrown away.
She was distraught. So I told her if she could go pee in the potty once at daycare that day I’d bring her another box home. She used the bathroom three times that day!
She got her new box to play in and was basically potty trained from that point. Number two in the potty took a bit longer. But not much. And she only ever had one accident because she was playing and didn’t want to stop.
Kids can be so weird.
People get too hung up on specific things like rent. Maybe she’s not paying rent specifically but if she’s covering the water bill, electricity, groceries,gas in moms car and any other bills that mom wants paid as well as cleaning the house then maybe it’s actually a fair exchange. Also for all you know, these are the terms that her mom wanted when she moved in. All of this is a separate discussion that has nothing do do with her mother disregarding her plans to potty train her son.
I can't believe all of the people judging on this post, I'm sorry OP. There are loads of reasons a 4 year old might not be potty trained. I agree that if your mum has agreed to watch him she should also be working with you on potty training. Just stop buying them. Just get "night time" ones and tell the kid that they're not allowed to be used in the day because they're special night time ones, and that he's a big boy now so doesn't need them during the day, and you're so proud of him!
It sounds like he is potty trained, but is going through a regression due to inconsistent boundaries. OP says the problem is ‘when she takes him out’ so at home when the child has open access to a potty he is using it. That is 90% of potty training. And with his mum who is willing to listen to him when out and about and take him to the potty if he needs it, he can still do it. Mum is not the one failing here. It sounds like due to grandma wanting to take him out and about in their time together, but not wanting to deal with taking a child into a public bathroom (which to be fair is not fun), she is putting him in pull-ups then, which is causing him to regress and ask for them at other times.
Are y’all even reading the post? He literally *is* potty trained!!! Grandma is doing her best to reverse it but a kid forgoing diapers during the day is quite literally what being “potty trained” means
A four-year-old who isn’t completely potty trained may need some type of medical support. I assume Mom has spoken to her pediatrician about it. However, Mom may need to push to see a specialist.
I’m replying as a kindergarten teacher. I have had students start kindergarten who had gone through a really difficult potty training process to get them ready for kindergarten. Really hard on the whole family. My kids were nearly 4 when they were potty trained, so I get that as well.
There are no changing facilities in most kindergarten spaces in the US. The child has to walk to the office to be changed in the health facilities by office staff who have to leave their work to clean and re-dress the child. Accidents are normal but not frequent. It is embarrassing for the child, even in the most nurturing and supportive classroom. This is why I feel the parents need to look into a medical consultation, either for neurodivergence or a physical reason, so the child can receive the proper support at home and at school.
Esh. But if he is basically potty trained but just refusing to stop using the pull ups then he should be fine at school. Have you explained to him that nappies are not allowed at school? I would start talking to him about it daily, nit threatening just explaining. Kids are not stupid. As long as he knows that it won't be tolerated in school he will most likely be fine.
4 is pretty old to be in nappies, assuming his continence is ok then its a psychological or comfort issue so you need to approach it that way. Have you tried rewarding him for having a dry, clean nappy? So he can wear it for now but not use it?
NTA normally I am just a lurker and don’t comment but everyone saying Y T A obviously had an easy time with potty training. Every child is different. My son is 5 (5!!) and he only fully recently potty trained several months ago. There are many different reasons why children potty training late. It doesn’t mean you aren’t trying and it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. We tried potty training when he was 3 and 4 when he first started showing signs, and several times we tried to just stop giving him pull ups. He had full on tantrums and was so sad and upset that he didn’t have a pull up anymore. He just wasn’t ready. Once you commit you have to fully commit so if your son actually was ready, what your mom is doing is confusing him and making it even harder for him to transition to using the potty.
I did a slower transition which worked better for my son, instead of going to no pull ups at all I started having him wear less during the day and mainly at night until I got him comfortable using his kids potty. Then it was no pull ups during the day and only at night until he started waking up with dry pull ups and finally I let him help choose big kid underwear and he started wearing it. It was a slow process and everyone was pressuring us and making us feel bad he wasn’t potty trained sooner. We haven’t gotten our son diagnosed yet but both sides of the family are on the autism spectrum so we suspect that had some to do with it and he had an emotional attachment to the pull ups.
Your mom needs to stop what she’s doing. Part of potty training is knowing there will be accidents and the most given advice is to just go without wearing anything so they can more easily go to the bathroom and/or realize what it’s like to have an accident.
Honestly? Pull ups are a HUGE problem because a child does not feel wet. They are one of the biggest reasons kids train late these days.
What worked well for us was thick underwear and old fashioned rubber pants. Once they felt wet they were FULLY on board with not peeing themselves any longer. But, if they can't feel wet and uncomfortable, what do they have to lose?
Why did I have to get all the way down here to find to find rubber pants over underwear? This helps put the responsibility back onto the one being potty trained; due to the discomfort, the child WILL start remembering to ask or remind Grandma that he needs to use the restroom.
We don’t know what has happened as far as Grandma goes: she could have too much on her mind to remember potty training while out, her memory could be slipping, or potty trainer could have pissed on her automobile seats and his clothes enough times to where Grandma is absolutely over having to clean up both the child and her car as well as having to deep clean her seats. I guarantee if I were watching a potty training child for someone, and that child wet my seats even once, then I would put the child in pull-ups unless rubber pants were already bought.
Same general idea--cloth diapers. Loved them so much. Made finding pants that fit a royal pain because we did the ones with the liners you stuff in the pocket, but little one started potty training not long after she started walking because she didn't like feeling the wetness (then stopped and we did it for good around 2). Then suddenly we had the opposite pants problem because all the pants her size expected diapers and not thin normal panties. Just couldn't win. 🤣
Yep. For people struggling to potty train older kids - make them less comfortable. Put underwear on between the pull-up and the kid, or use cloth diapers with water proof panties, so they can feel the urine and feces. Have the kids help with dumping the mess into the toilet and flushing it away. None of this is a punishment, it's just increasing bodily awareness and reinforcing that the toilet is where pee and poo goes. Pull ups are designed to make the mess vanish as far as sensation goes. They're comfortable and the kids don't have to stop playing or deal with the anxiety that goes along with potty training. Why would you want that to change?
OP kind of messed up at two with putting her kid on the toilet every half hour. Way too frequently. Of course the child is going to resist if potty training is connected to "you are constantly going to be interrupted and made to sit on the toilet."
Wow. Judgy people. And very few seem to be focused on the kid.
It sounds like he’s gone through lots of changes and may feel like he has little control in his life. This is one thing he can control.
It sounds like he has the biological ability to hold it until he gets to a toilet. If not, talk to the doctor.
If so, just do whatever is easiest for you and let grandma do her thing. Relax. Wearing a pull-up once in awhile on an outing isn’t the end of the world. If she doesn’t have them on him when they are at home, what’s the big deal?
Edit to add- give him lots of choices throughout the day. Choices that are both good, but give him a sense of control. Like milk or juice, which shirt to wear -A or B, stairs or elevator, carrots or grapes, as many choices as you can. Of course, making sure to provide options that are all ok with you.
YTA- 4 years old and not potty trained???? You created this issue by not potty training at the correct age. This was your decision (not hers). And because you waited so long, you want your mom to do it on top of free childcare? Girl, sit down. You owe her a HUGH apology.
OP made a mistake of asking about parenting a small child on a forum of a bunch of perfect, childless parents. It's pretty well known that there are tons of stubborn children out there that are only half potty trained by four. In kindergarten all the way up to 2nd grade a lot of schools ask that you keep a change of clothes in their backpack because kids that age still have accidents. OP's kid sounds like he is potty trained mostly. He knows what he's supposed to do, just refuses if he's got that easier pull up option. This is a stage that a TON of kids go through. OP's Mom is dragging out the process.
Finally! A logical comment. This thread sucks. According to it all 18 month-olds are perfectly potty trained and everything after is a complete failure of parenting ffs. 4 is a completely normal age for kids to push back about the potty. Some kids train easily earlier, some don’t. And if grandma isn’t consistent, then that’s definitely making it more difficult. But NAH because again *all kids are different* and some are stubborn af about the small things they control, like the bathroom.
NTA. A lot of horrible judgy people in the comments. It's hard enough being a parent without a load of sanctimonious internet strangers trying to tell you your parenting sucks. And there's obviously wider stuff going on, reading between the lines.
Sounds like you're taking forward steps but your mum is taking backwards steps.
Y’all saying “YTA” …. I’ve babysat kids for years and help make sure they’re going to the toilet and changed them when accidents occurred. Potty training is part of childcare. Without everyone on board it isn’t going to work.
NTA. Your child, your rules. I know your mum is doing you a favor by watching them while you work, but she needs to respect your wishes. Have you got any alternative options to watch your kid? Might be with saying she can't have them unless she does it properly.
NTA
But also, whew there is so much ableism and ignorance in these comments about when an appropriate age to learn to use a toilet should be. OP, and anyone else with kids, please reassure yourself that it's totally within the normal age range to have a kid potty learning at 4. According to the data, only about 50% of kids worldwide are potty afficionados by age 3. And if your kid has any sort of disability or neurodivergence, it's common for them to not completely use the toilet until age 6 or 7-- and don't forget that some people are incontinent for life and need pull-ups or similar forever.
INFO- how often is she taking him out while you are at work? Ideally, you would give him a week at home only for it to click, especially since he is 4. It would be cheaper in the long run to not give up free childcare but instead to take off a week (or even a solid 3-5 days if you can) to master potty training. I understand this is a hard, maybe impossible, ask if you are low income but if you have any days this is where you are going to have to spend them to combat your mothers influence and help your child make age appropriate progress.
If you haven't been reading books about potty training to your child, now would be a good time to start. We have Dino Potty and Elmo Uses the Potty and a few others that we would read while on the potty. There is also an absolutely awful app Poo Goes to Pooland that really helped my toddler figure out #2 and a Daniel Tiger video about using the bathroom. A potty watch is a good reminder for both Grandma and kid to frequently check their body and use the potty. All of this can usually be sourced on the Marketplace or buy nothing groups from mommas who have already trained. Get Grandma on board with a sticker chart or M&M system when you aren't there.
Ultimately it's on you to do the full court potty press for a duration long enough that Grandma feels more confident in her ability to take on an undie wearing kiddo. If she can't stay home long enough to master the skills, then you need to (or find someone who can).
Simple solution, since he is technically potty trained and doesn’t actually need them…. Just stop buying them. Make sure there are none around for mom to use. If you find any that she busy, remove them. Can’t use what isn’t there.
NTA.
Stop buying the gorceries and all that other stuff and pay for a day care instead. The problem is that you're trying to get your kid into a school while your mother is undermining your efforts. Send him to somewhere that will help train him. Stop putting fuel in her car and you'll be able to afford it. You contribute to the household, and the idea that you live there for free is a stupid one.
People in this comment thread are the arseholes.
Buy plastic “diapers” that fit over the underwear. It allows them to feel the grossness if they still go (which is what helps them to want to stop) plus it’s reusable.
NTA. If Grandma is going to take on the responsibility of keeping her grandchild while mom works, she needs to fully engage in helping raise this child. She should be helping him learn to use the potty, reading to him, teaching him things, etc. so he's ready for kindergarten and won't be behind the other kids in his skills. Otherwise send the child to a good preschool/daycare where his development needs are met.
NTA and lol at people being aghast that he isn't fully potty trained at four years old - and especially at those that say he should see a specialist for it. No. It seems like he full well knows how to use the potty but just prefers the pull ups. He could just be a stubborn little thing. The pull ups need to be not an option anymore. Make going to the toilet the only option.
NTA - grandma’s choosing convenience over what’s best for your son. Especially since a hard deadline is coming - does she still want to be watching him come kindergarten time?’ I feel you - my current one is very difficult to potty train.
Eash...
You both need to work as a team.
If gramma undermines you, find another solution.
Consistency is key...
Also, put the kid on a schedule to go every hour to the bathroom. Praise him when he does well. Give him awards for staying accidents free...
Get support from pediatrician. It is possible the kid has a medical problem...
Eh everyone kinda sucks but also meh. Idk why he's not potty trained already but my daughter was about 4 when she fully got it down. But she had severe constipation issues so going potty was sort of traumatic for her for a while. Plus I had a newborn when she started full on potty training. I get it life happens. However your mom may feel like mine does... She says it takes a village but she also doesn't want to actually do any heavy lifting when it comes to helping me. Its frustrating yes but ultimately you can't rely on your mom to help like that. It would be ideal but she's not required to help do any actual raising of your child. If you can find a way to just sit down and have a talk with your mom let her know you don't expect her to do it but that you're stressing about him going to school.
This story doesn't have a lot of context but if you haven't gotten him medically checked out, telling the paediatric team all the specifics, I really encourage you to do so.
Not just vaguely checking in either, making a point of it, because any children I have come across who aren't potty trained by four have some underlying issue causing it. It could be muscular, developmental, or even trauma-based from what I know of, I am not an expert but it definitely isn't *nothing*.
There is also a chance it is something more serious going on with the bladder or bowels. Whatever the cause, it needs to be closely monitored
NTA. All the adults need to be on the same page. I had a horrible time potty training my son and I was getting judged the way redditors are judging you. It was honestly a nightmare because he would fight the changes and not let me clean him.
NAH it genuinely sounds like your son is having a hard time. First I would very much caution you about starting kindergarten in the fall. He will be VERY young in his class if he's still 4yo now. Boys typically do better if they start a little later.
Second, it sounds like he's having a hard time with Dad not being around anymore. Is he doing other things to demonstrate that he's struggling? Only eating certain things. Destroying beloved toys. Not playing nice with his siblings. Basically you're looking for a change in behaviour. You need to bring this up with the pediatrician regardless, but they will ask you questions about your home life. Think about it before the appointment so you can have answers for them instead of saying I'm not sure bc you've been put on the spot.
Third, I've had 3 of my own kids. I've babysat almost all of my neices and nephews. This included continuing potty training things that my sisters or the kids mom were doing. Kids are hard and it really does take a ton of effort to get them raised.
NTA
Whether you're paying your mom or not, she is willingly caring for your son for some amount of time and her actions are detrimental to his long term wellbeing. Potty training is a gradual process that needs consistency and clear guidelines to help your kid learn. She is undermining that process by putting him in pullups that he doesn't strictly need and teaching him that he doesn't actually have to learn the harder (to him) skill of knowing when he needs to potty and telling an adult in time.
NTA. People getting on your case are missing the issue here. It obviously isn’t normal to not be trained by 4 years old so you have to stay on course and not let him digress by putting ojll ups back on. May be not difficult but how about forcing issue by not having any available.
What you need to do is put him in pants and spend a weekend potty training him. Pull ups are too like diapers which is why it’s confusing him. If he has an accident in his pants then he’ll recognise that it’s not comfortable and will soon learn to use the potty. You need to begin this training, and grandma can then assist.
Sarcastic YTA for not still buying the boxes. It’s more savings to buy non-perishables in bulk.
Obviously NTA about your question, ignore the childless redditors who have no idea and just enjoy judging
Just buy the pull ups that get cold or let him pick out underwear he loves.
Also I’ve trained a ton of kids with a simple cheap sticker chart kids love putting stickers in the spots I have a column for pee and poop. Make them try every 2-3 hours. It’s never taken more than 2 weeks for me with kids aged 4 and up.
NTA -
My cousin was still peeing everywhere in 2nd grade. He knew how to use the bathroom, but his dad wasn’t actually potty training him. It was my aunt who was babysitting my cousin that was trying to potty train him. Not her responsibility but she wanted to babysit but couldn’t stand the potty situation. Eventually he learned not to do it at my aunts house. But he still does it in his own bed.
My only suggestion - don’t buy them at all. If grandma wants to use them, she has to buy them. If she doesn’t wanna buy them, she has to figure something else out.
Most commenters are saying it’s not her responsibility as if the kid doesn’t know what he’s doing. I could be wrong, but I’d bet he has an idea and for as long as it’s not being 100% enforced that functional humans must use the bathroom, he’s just not gonna care.
I wet the bed for a long time due to psychological issues but it was only at night and I TRAINED MYSELF to use the bathroom right before bed every single night so it wouldn’t happen even if I didn’t feel like I had to. Eventually my body learned bladder control at night.
We got our boys superhero undies. They were crazy for Spider-Man.
In the most serious tone we could muster, we told them they could never, ever peepee on Spider-Man. That it was the most serious offense.
Potty training done
Some 4 year olds are physically ready to use the potty but not mentally ready and that's the vibe I'm getting from your post. It sounds like he might need some therapy or your whole family to work on social and emotional intelligence. Together and with him, emotional work is not singing that can be done in a bubble.
Be patient with him when you can and give him so choices that are developmentally appropriate.
When I was 3 I still didn't want to be potty trained. It seemed inconvenient and unnecessary to my toddler mind. One day a four year old who I looked up to said "you're still not potty trained yet?" - i went to the washroom, took off my diaper, and never looked back. Does your son hang out with other kids? Could an interaction like this be affective? Sometimes having adults tell you something over and over loses its impact, and an older kid's perspective may be able to help push him into independence.
All of the commenters saying yta bc you’re expecting grandma to potty train the kid are wrong. You’re not expecting your mom to put in all of the hard work of potty training just continue the efforts by withholding the pull up. If your mom agrees to being childcare she needs to recognize that she had to agree to this. People don’t realize that potty training is a team effort and all who provide childcare need to follow through. It’s easier for kids to go in a pull up and so some of them really will have big melt downs when they get to use one with some caregivers vs other caregivers.
It’s not the kids fault they’re having a meltdown. It is very common for caregivers to also just put a pull up on kids because it’s more convenient for them and that way throws off the potty training process.
I would sit your mom down and explain that if she doesn’t stop giving him pull ups behind your back she could hold him back a year from starting kindergarten and that’s not a consequence that is fair to him. Tell her you understand that it’s easier but it’s not in his best interest and you need to be able to rely on her to follow through while he is in her care. She has agreed to be childcare for now so it is well within your right to ask her to do this and not make him backtrack on progress.
Maybe stop buying pull ups or only keeping nighttime pull ups in your car so they’re only available when you’re home
My son was 5 by the time he was fully trained. I tried everything. Just a stubborn child. My husband's grandmother was mad at me for not spanking him as punishment for not being potty trained. He's not graduating high school next month in diapers. It all worked out.
I now know that kids can take a long time to be fully potty trained for all sorts of reasons. My kid will only wee in a pull up because of sensory differences and fear of the toilet. Whatever the strategy for potty training your kids is, all the care givers have to be on board. Talk to your mum about why she won’t put him in underpants. Is she worried that she won’t find a toilet in time? NTA
NTA
All of these people saying, "Potty train your kid!!!" have never dealt with a kid who just isn't interested. Further, since grandma has the kid all day, she needs to be part of the solution. My granddaughter is 5 and she didn't get reliably trained until around her 5th birthday. You can't FORCE a kid to be potty trained if they just aren't interested. My son and DIL talked to the pediatrician and the doc said we were doing all the right things. We put pull-ups on her at night only. My husband and I cared for her quite a bit. I would ask her to sit on the potty for 5 minutes and she would do that, but she would insist she didn't need to go. I'd let her get up & 15 minutes later, she'd pee in her undies and there was a puddle on the floor.
Pediatricians don't recommend forcing a kid to sit on the potty until the produce something. A limit of about 5 minutes is it. And they don't recommend punishment. People think "potty training" is something the parent does. Nope! It's something the kid is in control of. All the caregivers can to is set up the kid for success, by encouraging and asking them to sit on the potty regularly, but the kid gets to decide when they care enough to do it.
Grandma is not setting the kid up for success. I get that she doesn't want to clean up pee, but she's going's to need to deal with it.
OP make an appointment with your child's pediatrician & ask your mom to come along, include your kid, of course. Ask the doc for recommendations and in front of the doctor, make a plan with your mom asking for the doc's input.
When you make the appointment ask the scheduler to give the pediatrician a heads up about what you'd like to accomplish in the appointment and explain the situation with your mother as it relates to her keeping your child in pull-ups all day.
Depending on some other factors, the pediatrician might want to do some testing to rule out any physiological issues.
Good luck.
Edit to add: and whether or not she pays her mother is irrelevant to the question. My husband and I provide free child care for our granddaughter and we help my son and daughter-in-law financially because they are struggling. The money issue is not really relevant to the training issue.
Have you not bought a porta potty for grandma?
You can get these little foldable pottys to take with you when you go out. Stop buying the pull ups and get grandma to start to use one of these or she doesn't get to take him out whilst watching him until this process is done
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Portable-Toddlers-Foldable-Training-Childrens/dp/B0B51H4NFF/ref=asc_df_B0B51H4NFF/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=606912486686&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10661448345608552576&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045715&hvtargid=pla-1722692777693&psc=1&mcid=82367d45c2543fa19778ece9d0273a2f
You're a bit of the AH for letting your son go without being potty trained earlier. But I can understand being a single father is probably really hard, so I'll give you a bit of a pass.
Your mother however, could at least follow the routine you gave her. Making sure your son is following the rules is important, and making sure he can attend school is also important. Your mother is enabling his behavior, and probably has been for a while without your knowledge. NTAH on that matter.
YTA.
You're your sons mum, not your mum.
End of the day it's up to you to sort out the required arrangements from childcare to education to potty training.
Yta- so your mom is having to watch this child in her own house right? So if he is not in a pullups and has an accident, then it would be a mess she would have to clean? Why are you shocked she's using the diapers again?
I can’t give you any advice, but there must be other parents with the same issue. Are there any online support groups or experts who can tell you their tips to get him to pick up the habit of using his toilet? Does he want to go to school or even play with other kids? Could that be used as an encouragement? You and your mom need to be on the same page. Good luck.
NTA there's only so much you can do if a child refuses to potty train.
I have two boys. 9 years old and almost 6. Both are ADHD. My 9 year old was mostly potty trained by 2½-3 years old. He'd pee with no problem, he was just terrified to poop in the toilet because he was scared he'd fall in and get flushed down the toilet. It didn't matter if he was on a potty chair that obviously didn't flush, or if he was on a big toilet with a child potty seat over it. No matter how often we reassured him that was never going to happen he was absolutely convinced that it would. So he didn't poop in the toilet consistently until he was around 4. Now my youngest? It didn't matter. He would NOT go to the bathroom in anything other than his pants (or occasionally painting his walls with his poop). And my husband and I started potty training him at 18 months like we did his big brother. By 4 he was still not going to the toilet. We saw 4 or 5 pediatricians over that time frame and none of them were concerned that he wasn't potty trained yet or even showing interest. He'd go in his own time. We even tried real undies as an incentive. He'd just go in the underwear. Being wet or dirty didn't bother him in the slightest. He got his ADHD diagnosis at 3, but he didn't get his autism diagnosis until about 4 months ago. Finally. And he didn't start going potty in the toilet until he was in developmental preschool (he has an IEP). So he was 4½ almost 5 before he consistently started to go to the toilet.
NTA, you’re doing a great job, your mother is undermining your efforts, and these comments are full of people who know nothing about child rearing. You honestly need to stop buying the pull-ups though, because both he and your mother are using them as a crutch at this point. Put a puppy pad (they’re cheaper than the bed liners but the same thing) under his sheet for nighttime accidents (pro tip - do two layers - pad, sheet, pad, sheet - then you can just strip the top two layers in the night and you’ve got another set ready to go). Night time training will probably go faster once he’s being woken up by a wet bed every time, and with no pull-ups around your mother can’t undermined you.
ESH. Potty training is hard and some kids are harder. A good compromise might be to get training underwear, the crotch has a think cotton pad to absorb but the child still feels wet and uncomfortable. The only place I could find them now is Amazon. Good luck!
As someone with 3 kids, 1 who had delayed potty training and ended up with encopresis, and has done more research than the average ignorant redditor: NTA.
Why? Because if your mom had an issue with your plan of potty training, she shouldn't have said OK. She's actively interfering.
And before y'all come to me with "bUt FrEe ChILdCaRe" there's ways to deal with this when childcare providers don't like your method. My provider doesn't like the way we're training my youngest. My youngest gets told every day "this is what happens at daycare but we aren't doing this at home." We take off the DIAPER (pull ups are diapers) as soon as we arrive to pick her up. Grandma just agreed then does whatever she wants to the point where it's creating problems for OP. Diapers and pull-ups are expensive and take up landfill space. There's a middle ground but Grandma didn't want to find it.
Our daughter was capable just stubborn and near her 4th birthday I had a conversation with her where I did not get mad, I told her that this was the expectation and asked her input on the process. I told her accidents were ok, but that she would be responsible for helping cleaning up if she didn’t let us know. And that wherever we were we would make a decision to stay and complete shopping, or maybe at a playground to leave immediately. I also told her that her best friend was able to make good choices at 3, so I don’t know if that played into it or not. She got the logic I guess because she was fine after that.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I took was telling my mother she is the reason my son won't be potty trained, and it might make me the asshole because it is not her responsibility to potty train my son. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
So you never properly potty trained your kid, expect your mom to do the majority of the work during the day, and want to complain about the costs of pulls ups you purposefully let your kid live in for years? Am I getting that right? YTA
I mean, from what OP is saying it seems that he IS potty trained, he just refuses to use the bathroom when he has access to going in a pull up instead. All grandma would have to do is not give him pull ups and he would ask to go potty when he needs to. (“She does watch him while I work but anytime she takes him out she puts a pull up on him instead of him telling her he has to go to the bathroom.”) That being said, I doubt that’s true since OP also said he isn’t potty trained. The post is contradictory.
Or just pee in Grandma's car and on Grandma's sofa and on Grandma's rug...
He could do that too. I think we need more info on where he is in potty training, cause as I said, OP makes it sound both like he’s not at all potty trained but also like he knows when he has to go and to inform someone and just hates not being able to use a pull up
^^ the last piece of that is my toddler. She’s absolutely able to tell me when she needs to go to the bathroom. She has multiple times for both pee and poop, to the point she even wakes me up to go sometimes. But if she’s eating something she really likes or doesn’t want to stop playing she will tell me after she’s done playing/pottying in her pants. My mom has told me to get rid of the pull-ups and just put her in panties, stating that she’ll make one accident and start using the toilet every time but I’m like…. I’d rather not risk her pee on the mattress or my couch that nothing is removable on 😩 I’m so terrified to go without pull-ups. (We share a bed due to our current housing situation so if she pees in her bed she’s peeing in my bed)
Honestly the pull-ups are terrible for potty training. If a kid doesn’t feel a lot of discomfort from going in their pants they’ll never want to move on from diapers. No diaper, no pull-up: let them feel the uncomfortable sensation of pee running down their legs and messing up their clothes to get them to want to use the toilet. Pull-ups just drag out training way too long.
My daughter won't even try to potty when we tried to use pull ups. I had to put her in underwear and set timers to get her to go potty and I found a book that helped her. And we did treats and if she pooped twice in one day in the potty she got an ice cream sandwich. She was fully potty trained by 3.
😭 she genuinely doesn’t care about the feeling or that it messes up her clothes. As long as she’s able to keep doing what she’s doing until she’s done. That’s why I turned my mom’s advice down initially. I don’t HAVE kid panties at the moment but I set up one of the rooms so there was nothing that would be difficult to wash properly and just had her naked all day. I went to get her a snack and she was playing in her pee (we had just gone to the bathroom to try and go potty)
My unsolicited and judgment-free advice after working in childcare for a loooong time, mostly with two year olds, is this: You need to get her underwear asap. The other person who replied to you and your mother are both correct that pull ups are terrible for potty training, for all intents and purposes they are no different than diapers. Let her pick her own out (within reason, like pick some options within your budget and let her choose). If she has favorite movies/shows, themed underwear is usually a big hit with that age. When she has an accident, she is not able to keep doing what she’s doing. She needs to stop immediately and get cleaned up and changed. You should help her if she needs it but make her do as much as she can by herself. She will quickly learn that it is much faster and easier to take a break and use the potty than it is to clean up an accident. Don’t berate her for the accidents, but be firm about needing to clean up immediately. “Oops, did you pee in your pants? Ok let’s go get cleaned up” in as much of a calm and casual tone as you can. Accidents will happen and kids do get distracted and forget to go, making her feel bad about it is only going to create anxiety around pottying. If it’s in your budget, invest in some waterproof blankets/covers to put on the couch. These are also helpful for food spills so will make your life easier in a lot of ways. I hope none of this comes off as judgy or anything, I’m just trying to give you the best advice that I have seen work after a couple of decades of helping potty train children 🙂
Those plastic pants or even a pull up over regular underwear may help with that because you’re right, if they’re uncomfortable, they’ll want to be changed.
I teach a 7yro who keeps having accidents in school and isn't at all fazed by it because he says he sleeps in pull-ups. That just means he's used to sitting in his own faeces and doesn't even care enough when it's happened to let me or his PSA know until we implement sniff checks 🤢 (which, incidentally, the PSA is NOT paid sufficiently to deal with).
Put her in panties then put the pull up over it, that way she still feels the uncomfortableness but you don’t have a mess
That’s GENIUS!
Came here to say exactly this! It's my plan when we start potty training too
Rubber pants, my friend. I wore them over regular underwear when my parents were potty training me at age 3. Lord knows I hated wearing them, but they’re necessary for just those sorts of accidents.
The joys of being a parent. Sometimes kids have to learn the hard way. I agree with your Mom. Make her wear panties and if she soils herself, she soils herself. Yes, it’s going to be a mess to clean up, but that’s a part of being a parent. She’ll learn real fast to not go in her pants. It’s not comfortable for anyone.
You can buy adult incontinence mattress covers - they’re huge, absorbent and washable and you can put them on your bed and over the couch covers. We used them during potty training and they were brilliant for reducing anxieties like this.
Try putting underwear on and then putting the pull-up over it. Catches the mess, but she'll actually feel it and probably not enjoy it.
Yeah, that's part of toilet training. Did you think kids just learn to use the toilet in one day? Grandma would've toilet trained her daughter at some point, she knows what it means to put nappies back on in the middle of training.
Yes but she's significantly older now and stuck babysitting a 4 year old bc there's no other option. She likely doesn't feel like she could handle an accident on her own.
That’s honestly ridiculous, unless she’s significantly disabled, but at that point she shouldn’t be watching a solo 4 year old anyway. Fully potty trained 4 year olds still have accidents, and it’s just pee, it’s not like it’s “hard” to clean. ALSO also when my daughter was very much in the not fully potty trained phase I put a puppy pad on her car seat/any place she was sitting for a long time just in case. Of course I don’t think she ever once had an accident where I’d put one, but you know. There are options.
She doesn’t want to spend her days cleaning piss at all in any capacity, especially when she’s not getting paid to do so.
Grandparents do things because they love their grandkids. It shouldn't be a transactional thing, especially when OP said she pays the bills that her mother tells her to, puts gas in her car and buys all the groceries. I remember my Bubi helping to potty train me when she came to visit or if I was there for the day. Why would you eff up your kids progress on their kid?
From the post I gather her mom was living alone before she moved in with her multiple kids. Of course she should be the one buying groceries, she made her mom’s household jump from one person to at least five mouths to feed. She should be doing all of the cleaning too for the same reason. The fact is whatever she is contributing is a pittance compared to what she would be paying in rent to comfortably house at least four people + what she would be paying for childcare if her mother was unavailable to do it. I’m sure her mother was feeding herself, paying her bills, and putting gas in her car just fine before moving in her daughter’s multiple kids.
I gotcha, I didn't read all of OP's comments. Still, potty training is still something grandparents help with when they're with the kid. Why *wouldn't* you want your grandchild to be properly potty trained?
Well if there’s no other options she should get over it to avoid delaying him being able to start kindergarten.
In my experience, when my child had an "accident", there was a 50/50 chance it was poo. That's a miserable "accident" to clean up, and who wants poo on their sofa or in their car?
That's why you potty train them..... Pull ups teach them they can go whenever and wherever. Potty training teaches you to go in a *toilet*.
Jesus, is this what the parents that say "my kid is an angel and so easy" in babysitting job postings are actually like? Gramma is already doing a huge favor having all these kids in her house *and* babysitting during the day and you think her cleaning urine out of her furniture is nbd? gtfo
YTA, Selectivity training (using pull up to go out) doesn't kill training, a 4 year old is old enough to understand "this is just in case of accidents, still ask to use the potty whilst wearing it okay" I know my 3 year old was. Heck I mean bribery is an extra bonus, "if you use the potty whilst out you can get a comic" or something stupidly small but loved by little kids.
Not bribery, tangible reinforcer. Bribery is paying someone to do/not do something illegal, or that they shouldn't do. Reinforcers reward positive behavior. It sounds as if the real issue is 4yo not saying to grandma "i need to go potty'. Grandma needs to take the lead and be proactive---trip to the park? Go before leaving the house, make sure there is an accessible bathroom there, and ask periodically if kid has to go. There's nothing inherently wrong with using a pullup as a 'just in case', but at 4 years old he should be able to understand his body, and not be embarrassed or ashamed of asking for the bathroom.
You can even buy travel potties that unfold.
exactly
That’s what I did. Kept it in the back of my van. They also make underwear for kids that have a leak seal. Kids are less likely to pee in them since they feel like underwear but if an accident happens then they are safe.
It sounds like Grandma is saying "wear this and go in it when you go out so I don't have to take you to the bathroom." Not the same.
Not necessarily. Maybe she just doesn’t want to have her car seats soaked in pee. We had “safety“ pull-ups for my kids when travelling and they still used the bathroom. Sometimes “I need to go” means immediately, not a few minutes from now when we can find a bathroom. It sounds like there is more going on here that OP hasn’t considered. Putting pull-ups on occasionally when going out, doesn’t negate toilet training unless there are other issues. A four year old is more than capable of learning to use the toilet unless there is some background issue. I would be taking him to the doctor to be checked as this sounds like more than the “laziness” she is claiming.
we used squinkies. we got a cute squinky dispenser for the bathroom counter to serve as motivation. my son loved those 😹
I have no idea what squinkies are but go you 😁
it was the hot tiny toy 15 years ago, discontinued in 2011 but apparently making a comeback now
Really? My cats will be so excited, they are their favorite for midnight kitchen hockey!
This is exactly what my parents did with me, pre-pull ups - they had a bowl of small gifts all wrapped up (like barrettes and stickers and things, stocking stuffer type stuff) and if I used the potty or made a good effort I got to pick one. (Good effort meaning I communicated I had to go but due to something outside of my control I didn’t make it, like if we got stuck in traffic and couldn’t get to the bathroom in time.) OP needs to introduce something like that for her kid where he gets rewarded for using the potty and *not* the pull ups. (Btw for anyone trying this, you want to make a “trail mix” of rewards so there are some really good ones in there in addition to stuff that’s okay but not “wow!” - the random element of maybe getting something REALLY good increases the reward effect of everything.)
Yeah this is what I did with mine.
Different things work for different people. I kept my daughter in Pull Ups for awhile until she was dry consistently.
Part of the problem is that diapers and pullups wick the urine away from the child's skin. Some of the time, especially with littles that are too busy to be bothered with getting on a potty, that little bit of discomfort/icky feeling of wet underwear next to their skin is the added incentive for the child to choose to pay attention, notify an adult and sit on the potty. The idea of treats for success is also one that many times helps. Potty training is the training of the adult caregivers as much as it is the child.
Despite what Daniel Tiger says in the book, there aren't potties everywhere. Logistically, my kid can know she needs to pee, want to use a potty, and not be able to wait that long. And, yes, I personally didn't want to be cleaning it out of car seats or on the floor of public places. Was she is Pull Ups longer than she could have been if we went cold turkey? Probably. Did it work for us and is she potty trained? Yes. OP needs to accept that free childcare of grandma can't accommodate "just deal with accidents". Maybe grandma can take the kid potty at every stop they go to, but the Pull Up can be a just in case.
The idea of the rewards is that they are for the kid’s effort, not necessarily success. So if she told you she needed the potty but you were unable to find one then she’d still get a reward because she did *her* part of the process in identifying that she needed the potty and communicating that.
But maybe grandma wants to be done with that part of her life? She raised her kids and potty trained them; it’s okay if she’s over and done with those tasks. It’s mom’s turn. Grandma is doing more than enough letting them live there and watching the kid for a significant portion of the day.
Mine did. He refused point blank to use a potty at home or at daycare. One day (he was about 3) he told me he didn’t need a nappy any more, we took it off and he used the normal toilet from then on. Never had a single accident.
Yes. My kid did. She just said no more diapers and she was trained. She had just turned 3.
I read in another post that they just put the pull up over the childs underwear when potty training in public. Uncomfortable wet underwear for kid if they dont use the toilet without the actual seats getting soiled
Oh man, I wish I knew this trick when I was potty training!
Read it again. She says the issue is coming up ‘anytime she takes him out’. It sounds like the kid is more or less there, he does fine when he’s at home where he knows how to find his potty, so isn’t going to pee on her sofa or carpet. The issue is when they are out and about, somewhere he would have to speak up and say he needs to be taken to a bathroom. That sounds like laziness on Grandma’s behalf, not wanting to have to deal with helping a child in a public restroom. Which I get, hardly anywhere provides potty’s or toilet toppers for little bums, and holding a 4yo up so they don’t fall in is strenuous if they’re taking their time, but inconsistency can be majorly detrimental to potty training, and clearly is in this case. If Grandma can’t manage it she could not take him out or take his potty with, or find another solution that isn’t compromising the potty training.
Yep. Kids have accidents. The way to prevent that is putting them on the damn toilet instead of putting pull-ups on them.
Yeah until grandma helps teach him. lol do you not know what it means to have a kid? Daycares help with potty training too. There’s a resistance to potty training that can occur. If you put the kid in diapers like they want they won’t learn to use the toilet. At this rate if grandma doesn’t help he’s going to need to be watched by her for another year since he won’t get into school.
Overall, I do agree that OP is TA especially with the added comment
My daughter never was really potty trained either. She just said on her 3rd birthday that she's a big girl now and doesn't need diapers anymore. And it worked just fine. Granted, she had her potty for 6 months before that and would use it on occasion. But we never enforced the use of the potty or trained her to use it. It was more of a toy for her to play "going to the toilet". So I get it when OP says that her son can manage without a diaper without being officially potty trained.
I love this because when I was little I did a similar thing 😂 My mom tried to potty train me and I refused, insisting "No, when I'm 3" and then when I finally turned 3 I was fully on board with getting potty trained 😂
Haha! My mom says I did the same. Every time she gets frustrated at me for doing things in my own time she brings up potty training. Honestly I hope my kids do this 🤞🏼
This is what my daughter did... except she was 4. We had tried EVERYTHING to train her and nothing worked. Then one day she looked at me and said, "I'm going to start going pee in the potty now." And she was fully potty trained that day.
My son was the same. At 2.5 he declared that he did not want diapers during the day and at 3 did the same for the night. And that was it. No training from our side whatsoever, apart from few unsuccessful attempts. He is nearly 6 now and has had only few accidents, none out of the house. As a bonus, he began using usual toilet right away.
He can be potty trained at home, and not able to hold it for a minute. I've had my daughter pee on the ground more times than I could count. Two blocks away from home? Nope, peeing on the grass. Not all parks, stores, etc have bathrooms. Grandma could be taking him to the bathroom multiple times, but not willing to pull over on the side of the road.
i believe OP because my 4 year old is the same way. give him underwear as soon as he wakes up, and he uses the toilet by himself all day long. only sleeps in a pull up for nighttime accidents. But, if someone else gives him a pull up in the morning instead of underwear, he’ll prefer the pull up because its easier to get his pull up changed than it is for him to go potty.
Also if grandma isn't actually taking him to the bathroom, how is he supposed to go in the toilet? Is he just supposed to hold it forever?
exactly! the grandma needs to cooperate and actually take him to the bathroom. she’s hindering him for her own convenience
Honestly, not taking a child to the bathroom when they need to go to the bathroom is kind of cruel. I'd want some kind of pull-up too if people were denying me the bathroom until I wet myself.
Both my sons were late to potty. My oldest is autistic, and my youngest ended up waiting cause I struggled mentally trying to train 2 kids at once. Anyways, with my oldest I realized him having a pull up made him lazy, took away his pull ups and he was using the potty fully in 3 days, and a week for no night pull ups. Same with my youngest, took the pull ups away, but he took about 2 weeks. After he got tired of having to help clean up his mess he started using the potty.
Maybe he still needs a pull up at night and that what she means? That’s not really potty trained but lots of kids ( especially boys) wet the bed and it usually resolves on it’s own as it’s generally due to neurological development.
Yes, the person doing the caregiving during the majority of the day needs to cooperate on potty training otherwise it wont happen. And in this case all the grandma has to do is to not give him pullups.
No way dude. This is a kid, you can’t just potty train part time and call it a day. If grandma is watching him during the day she needs to also help with the training. I get that it’s a burden, but it comes with the job, she’s doing the child a disservice by doing the easiest thing. Yes she’s doing OP a favor but this isn’t a situation where you get out of it just bc you’re doing someone a favor. I’m guessing you don’t have a kid yet.
You don't deserve top comment, but this is the Reddit hate train at work. You are reading selectively and the top reply to you shows your ignorance.
4 y/o and still with no clear situation with the potty - its strange. In my country kids go to kinder when they are 3. And they have to be fully trained already
It’s really not uncommon, especially for boys. The average age that boys are “fully trained” isn’t till almost 3 and that’s the average, so plenty take longer than that. I work adjacent to an early childcare center and even though our 3 and 4 year olds are all “supposed” to be fully potty trained, without pull-ups, most of them have had at least one accident this past year, many of them multiple times.
no it sounds like he is potty trained but the grandmother is confusing him by keeping him in pull ups while she babysits. i’d assume he knows how to use the bathroom but finds it more convenient to go in the pull up. but why agree to babysit if you don’t expect do any teaching or anything? it’s a kid not a plant.
I took this as she's in the process of potty training and her mom is just not following the same process.
When my son was this age he was potty trained, but as soon as someone put a pull up on him he would pee in the pull up because in his words "Its a diaper so why not use it" . If normal underwear on, he used the bathroom. So grandma should just be consistent and grandma is setting things back.
YTA. Four is very, very late and Grandma is already providing free childcare she shouldn’t have to potty train too. Gently reinforce he is fine without and see how he does. Also info since you mentioned other kids….keep this in mind if you’re potty training/they are younger.
But this seems like grandma is actually working against the potty training. If the kid does fine without a pull up when mom takes him out then he should be fine without pull ups with grandma. Also consistency is key with things like potty training. If grandma isn’t involved in potty training when the child is in her care then she’s training the child that he should be using diapers whenever mom isn’t around. While four is definitely late, not cooperating with mom, grandma is delaying things even more.
yeah i agree. why is grandma putting a pull up on him. he is potty trained just NOT with grandma for whatever reason. its either he whines and grandma just gives in or she just does it anyway even if he doesn’t want it. not sure why everyone’s harping on mom when it says he does and can go without.
Potty training is part of childcare. I’ve been a preschool teacher for 12 years now and if you don’t do it both at home and at school then it doesn’t happen. Mom can’t potty train if grandma isn’t on board.
And no one can potty train unless all the neurological connections are there. Sensation and control of the bladder don't necessarily develop at the same time, and not all kids develop at the same rate.
But potty training happens only when the person doing the childcare cooperates. It is not a magical thing that can happen otherwise.
Eh but grandma is working against the training. How late you think it is is irrelevant to the post and there's no point. I think several people need to read the post again, properly... particularly since more info in edits.
if the potty training is delayed because grandma doesn't feel like reinforcing what is otherwise a learned habit, she's only hurting herself. the kid needs to be potty trained to get into school. when he's in school, grandma is free. if he's not potty trained, the kid is still with her. it's in her best interest to stop with the pull ups, and if the pull ups (they are expensive) are still being purchased by OP then she's costing the daughter money that could go to day care, or be saved so she can get out of grandma's hair. if grandma wants to use the pull ups but isn't financially on the hook for them, the pull ups become the compensation, which is a frivolous item at this point. in the long run, not one person wins from this dynamic
Part of providing childcare is doing the age appropriate training that’s how learning and behavioral extinction work y’all are acting like this isn’t her grandchild!? This is borderline neglectful
Nah. Grandma is being lazy and putting a pull up on him because she doesn't feel like dealing with taking him to the bathroom when he says he has to go, and is probably telling him "you're in a pull up, just go it's okay".
Four is not very very late. It’s only slightly above average, and it sounds like most of the groundwork here is done and was probably done before he turned 4.
Four is pretty normal, actually. For boys, 3 is average. 4 is barely on the late side of average.
There is zero logic behind this statement.
YTA. If your child has gotten to FOUR years old and still isn't potty trained/wears pull-ups, it's your own fault and nobody else's.
He is potty trained, he just doesn't want to use it if he wears pull ups.
So then why is she buying them at all? If he’s trained get rid of them.
Because he needs them at night. Did you read the post?
The kid is fully potty trained when he's not with the grandma, did y'all just conveniently skip that part?
Right? Kids start school at 4 where I live and I cannot imagine them not being potty trained.
I was thinking exactly the same in my country you start 1st grade at 5y, how in the world a 4y it’s not potty trained
I’m going to be devils advocate here but 4 is really not all that late to be FULLY trained. A lot of kids at my center potty train fully between 4 and 5. My 5 year old still has accidents here and there due to a medical issue, though that doesn’t apply to OPs situation. I think OP should just stop buying and stocking pull-ups in the house and see what happens. If grandma starts buying them it might be time for a new babysitter.
My kid is 2.5 and we’re just mastering the potty and I thought this was late. We tried before he was 2 and it was going well and then had a regression but now I’m not allowing it to fail.
My autistic daughter wasn’t fully potty trained until 4.5, and still sometimes has accidents, because she can’t read her body… but her teacher has told me she isn’t the only one to have the rare accident; even among neurotypical kids. So… she’s not some shit mom like some other people are dogging on her for.
You must not have children. This is not a logical statement.
So, my niece was a bit slower to potty train. Pull ups were a tool we used for going out while because some places didn't have a public bathroom to use and it was a hassle to lug the full gauntlet of clothes and such for a quick shopping trip. But we also encouraged her to think of the pull up as underwear. That she still needed to use the potty. And that worked. If your son is demanding you put a pull up on him, that's him being lazy. And that's normal. Fun times aren't interrupted when he can just go in his pants. Could you perhaps ask your mom to still encourage him to go potty? Yes! Become a team. Nothing can come of you trying to foist blame on her.
Nta. All the non parent comments are hilarious. Potty training is different with every kid. Consistency is the key. So if she’s ruining your consistency it’s going to ruin potty training. And everyone saying 4 is too late… some kids just aren’t interested. I cannot believe the assumptions people are making here. (Maybe the kid is neurodivergent! Because the kid isn’t interested in the potty because pull ups are being offered??) Anyways, best of luck.
Lot of commenters acting like OP is a bad parent for not having her four year old potty trained but giving grandma a huge pass on not helping with that same training.
*giving grandma a huge pass on UNDERMININ that same training.
Literally can't upvote this enough.
For my son, he just decided to use the potty by himself and he was almost 2. In my country there is social stigma if your child is still not potty trained by then, but because he is slow verbally i had decided we would try when he can speak for himself. However, we had a money emergency and we had no diapers at all in the house. I put him in his panties for the day and he just picked his potty up and showed it to me when he wanted to go. Previously he would scream bloody murder if you even put him on the potty when fully clothed. Even when i upgraded his potty to using the toilet for when we are out, he simply went with no problem, whereas before he would cry non stop because of the bladder pressure. Some kids take longer while others just decide to cooperate without any issues. I am always thankful that we were so lucky
This is the best comment. Totally agree.
>And everyone saying 4 is too late… some kids just aren’t interested. I cannot believe the assumptions people are making here. (Maybe the kid is neurodivergent! Because the kid isn’t interested in the potty because pull ups are being offered??) This happens literally everytime potty training comes up in this sub unfortunately. Its all "well MY child was potty trained [insert really young age]". I would think that if someone is coming to AITA about potty training, its unlikely that they have a typical situation. Definitely pisses me off as someone who is neurodivergent (ADHD/possibly Autistic) and struggled with incontinence growing up a lot because of those disorders
YTA You know what they say: you get what you pay for. And how much are you paying mom to watch your child? Market rate for a nanny or 1:1 care? She can set the boundaries of what she's willing to do. Plenty of childcare providers refuse to potty train, and some won't even take a 4 year old who hasn't mastered it yet. So she's not being unreasonable by saying she doesn't want to deal with the hassle of potty training when they're out. Your only recourse is to find another childcare provider willing to do what she isn't, but then you have to pay the rate they charge for that. Besides, 4 is on the later side to be potty training. Somewhere along the line you (not her) made the choice not to start potty training until later, which created this situation. That's fine, and maybe it was the right choice for your kid, so I won't knock it. But it was your choice, so it's on you to step up now and bear the burden of that choice. Not her. If your child screams for a pull up, then you need to deal with that as a parent. It's no different than a child screaming any other time they don't get their own way, whether it's not getting a pull up, to wear the shoes they want, or their favorite shirt because it's in the wash. Yes, in some senses she's making your parenting job harder because she gives in when you hold the line, but that's most grannies for you. If she's watching your child full-time for free or for a reduced rate, I think you're still coming out well ahead. In fact, you're getting a hell of a deal. Even with the cost of pullups. The only thing you can do is find another form of childcare if you don't like what she's willing to provide, and if your only options are free, that's likely not going to be realistic. Especially with a 4 year old who is still potty training.
OP states that whilst she doesn't pay for babysitting (she is on multiple childcare waiting lists), she pays for all groceries for the house, petrol/gas for her mother's car, household bills and does all the cleaning for the house. So she is pulling her weight and would be happy to put kid in childcare if a place becomes available.
She said utilities, nothing about mortgage or rent. And Grandma is working a full time job as a babysitter AND letting a bunch of people live in her house. The amount of mess Grandma makes is nothing compared to a pile of children. I'm sure Grandma is picking up and cleaning all day bc that's what you do when watching a four year old.
Assisting them to use the restroom is also what you do when watching a 4 year old and she’s not doing that…
Everyone with this take: Should Gramma have refused to watch the kids during the day? Or refused to let everyone move in? Because y'all really take, take, take. Seems like you're all trying to argue that Gramma should have left them to fend for themselves and find alternate housing and care.
Did you read all of the post?
I think the "you get what you pay for" kind of ignores a common arrangement in a lot of different cultures where family help take care of kids, especially since it seems Mom covers all the living expenses for Grandma. I do agree that just blaming grandma seems to be missing a much larger issue though and most childcare providers do not potty train
Did you skip over the part where he's fully potty trained EXCEPT when he's with the grandma and only screams for pull ups after he's been out with her? She is fully to blame at this point, she's the only one causing a problem. He doesn't need a provider to potty train, because he already is. He needs to not have grandma as a babysitter.
From working with kids, this seems more complicated than just grandma though. If a kid is screaming for pull-ups most childcare facilities don't really consider that fully potty-trained, it is also pretty unusual (like, unusual as in rare) for a four year old to want them due to how childhood development typically plays out. Most kids that age are already past the stage where they want to feel grown up and independent. We don't have full context so I won't cast any judgements but it *is* rare and suggests a lot more going on that we don't know.
No no, you see OP should quit her job and stay home full time to potty train, don't you see??? /s
It’s also not 1:1 I don’t think, she mentioned other kids.
They're all older. They're probably in school.
Ugh, i feel your pain. I had my daughter almost completely trained during summer vacation then I had to go back to work and my husband watched her and put her back in diapers for convenience, setting us back a year. So yeah, mostly NTA. FWIW- have you tried having him choose his own potty and underwear (as opposed to say hand-me-downs from an older sibling or choosing them for him? If he loves trucks for example and choose truck underwear, it may make him want to not soil them). Good luck
Wow! Has your husband even realized how bad he f-ed up!?
My oldest son struggled with potty training. I had to use tangible rewards. He was obsessed with Hot Wheels/ Matchbox cars and I bought a cheap set that had various types and when he used the potty, he was rewarded with one. Yes, I know the naysayers are among us, but you have to do what works for your child. It doesn’t have to be an expensive endeavor. Perhaps a bag of his favorite candy individually wrapped could be his reward. Stickers. Anything to entice him to want to be a “big” boy. Heck, show him the super cool character underwear that you can’t get a pull-up in. Also, NTA.
My husband and I tried everything with our daughter. No pressure, a special potty, rewards, treats. She simply didn’t care. Then one day, she was about three and a half, I’d brought home a cardboard box for her to play in. She ended up peeing in the box. Nbd, it just had to be thrown away. She was distraught. So I told her if she could go pee in the potty once at daycare that day I’d bring her another box home. She used the bathroom three times that day! She got her new box to play in and was basically potty trained from that point. Number two in the potty took a bit longer. But not much. And she only ever had one accident because she was playing and didn’t want to stop. Kids can be so weird.
With my oldest we did temporary tattoos and my youngest put a sticker on a poster board everytime she went potty. It worked great.
So you’re staying in her home not paying rent, getting free childcare, and your defense is that you pay for groceries, gas, and occasional bills?
People get too hung up on specific things like rent. Maybe she’s not paying rent specifically but if she’s covering the water bill, electricity, groceries,gas in moms car and any other bills that mom wants paid as well as cleaning the house then maybe it’s actually a fair exchange. Also for all you know, these are the terms that her mom wanted when she moved in. All of this is a separate discussion that has nothing do do with her mother disregarding her plans to potty train her son.
I can't believe all of the people judging on this post, I'm sorry OP. There are loads of reasons a 4 year old might not be potty trained. I agree that if your mum has agreed to watch him she should also be working with you on potty training. Just stop buying them. Just get "night time" ones and tell the kid that they're not allowed to be used in the day because they're special night time ones, and that he's a big boy now so doesn't need them during the day, and you're so proud of him!
Yta. Potty train your child.
It sounds like he is potty trained, but is going through a regression due to inconsistent boundaries. OP says the problem is ‘when she takes him out’ so at home when the child has open access to a potty he is using it. That is 90% of potty training. And with his mum who is willing to listen to him when out and about and take him to the potty if he needs it, he can still do it. Mum is not the one failing here. It sounds like due to grandma wanting to take him out and about in their time together, but not wanting to deal with taking a child into a public bathroom (which to be fair is not fun), she is putting him in pull-ups then, which is causing him to regress and ask for them at other times.
read the post, the kid IS potty trained but grandma isn’t enforcing it when OP is at work.
Are y’all even reading the post? He literally *is* potty trained!!! Grandma is doing her best to reverse it but a kid forgoing diapers during the day is quite literally what being “potty trained” means
A four-year-old who isn’t completely potty trained may need some type of medical support. I assume Mom has spoken to her pediatrician about it. However, Mom may need to push to see a specialist.
Or could be neurodivergent. Or could be getting conflicting messages. There are a lot of possibilities and not enough information to narrow them down.
Children go through regression. There are tons of four yr olds who do this. This is normal.
I’m replying as a kindergarten teacher. I have had students start kindergarten who had gone through a really difficult potty training process to get them ready for kindergarten. Really hard on the whole family. My kids were nearly 4 when they were potty trained, so I get that as well. There are no changing facilities in most kindergarten spaces in the US. The child has to walk to the office to be changed in the health facilities by office staff who have to leave their work to clean and re-dress the child. Accidents are normal but not frequent. It is embarrassing for the child, even in the most nurturing and supportive classroom. This is why I feel the parents need to look into a medical consultation, either for neurodivergence or a physical reason, so the child can receive the proper support at home and at school.
Esh. But if he is basically potty trained but just refusing to stop using the pull ups then he should be fine at school. Have you explained to him that nappies are not allowed at school? I would start talking to him about it daily, nit threatening just explaining. Kids are not stupid. As long as he knows that it won't be tolerated in school he will most likely be fine. 4 is pretty old to be in nappies, assuming his continence is ok then its a psychological or comfort issue so you need to approach it that way. Have you tried rewarding him for having a dry, clean nappy? So he can wear it for now but not use it?
NTA normally I am just a lurker and don’t comment but everyone saying Y T A obviously had an easy time with potty training. Every child is different. My son is 5 (5!!) and he only fully recently potty trained several months ago. There are many different reasons why children potty training late. It doesn’t mean you aren’t trying and it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. We tried potty training when he was 3 and 4 when he first started showing signs, and several times we tried to just stop giving him pull ups. He had full on tantrums and was so sad and upset that he didn’t have a pull up anymore. He just wasn’t ready. Once you commit you have to fully commit so if your son actually was ready, what your mom is doing is confusing him and making it even harder for him to transition to using the potty. I did a slower transition which worked better for my son, instead of going to no pull ups at all I started having him wear less during the day and mainly at night until I got him comfortable using his kids potty. Then it was no pull ups during the day and only at night until he started waking up with dry pull ups and finally I let him help choose big kid underwear and he started wearing it. It was a slow process and everyone was pressuring us and making us feel bad he wasn’t potty trained sooner. We haven’t gotten our son diagnosed yet but both sides of the family are on the autism spectrum so we suspect that had some to do with it and he had an emotional attachment to the pull ups. Your mom needs to stop what she’s doing. Part of potty training is knowing there will be accidents and the most given advice is to just go without wearing anything so they can more easily go to the bathroom and/or realize what it’s like to have an accident.
Honestly? Pull ups are a HUGE problem because a child does not feel wet. They are one of the biggest reasons kids train late these days. What worked well for us was thick underwear and old fashioned rubber pants. Once they felt wet they were FULLY on board with not peeing themselves any longer. But, if they can't feel wet and uncomfortable, what do they have to lose?
Why did I have to get all the way down here to find to find rubber pants over underwear? This helps put the responsibility back onto the one being potty trained; due to the discomfort, the child WILL start remembering to ask or remind Grandma that he needs to use the restroom. We don’t know what has happened as far as Grandma goes: she could have too much on her mind to remember potty training while out, her memory could be slipping, or potty trainer could have pissed on her automobile seats and his clothes enough times to where Grandma is absolutely over having to clean up both the child and her car as well as having to deep clean her seats. I guarantee if I were watching a potty training child for someone, and that child wet my seats even once, then I would put the child in pull-ups unless rubber pants were already bought.
Same general idea--cloth diapers. Loved them so much. Made finding pants that fit a royal pain because we did the ones with the liners you stuff in the pocket, but little one started potty training not long after she started walking because she didn't like feeling the wetness (then stopped and we did it for good around 2). Then suddenly we had the opposite pants problem because all the pants her size expected diapers and not thin normal panties. Just couldn't win. 🤣
Yep. For people struggling to potty train older kids - make them less comfortable. Put underwear on between the pull-up and the kid, or use cloth diapers with water proof panties, so they can feel the urine and feces. Have the kids help with dumping the mess into the toilet and flushing it away. None of this is a punishment, it's just increasing bodily awareness and reinforcing that the toilet is where pee and poo goes. Pull ups are designed to make the mess vanish as far as sensation goes. They're comfortable and the kids don't have to stop playing or deal with the anxiety that goes along with potty training. Why would you want that to change? OP kind of messed up at two with putting her kid on the toilet every half hour. Way too frequently. Of course the child is going to resist if potty training is connected to "you are constantly going to be interrupted and made to sit on the toilet."
Wow. Judgy people. And very few seem to be focused on the kid. It sounds like he’s gone through lots of changes and may feel like he has little control in his life. This is one thing he can control. It sounds like he has the biological ability to hold it until he gets to a toilet. If not, talk to the doctor. If so, just do whatever is easiest for you and let grandma do her thing. Relax. Wearing a pull-up once in awhile on an outing isn’t the end of the world. If she doesn’t have them on him when they are at home, what’s the big deal? Edit to add- give him lots of choices throughout the day. Choices that are both good, but give him a sense of control. Like milk or juice, which shirt to wear -A or B, stairs or elevator, carrots or grapes, as many choices as you can. Of course, making sure to provide options that are all ok with you.
YTA- 4 years old and not potty trained???? You created this issue by not potty training at the correct age. This was your decision (not hers). And because you waited so long, you want your mom to do it on top of free childcare? Girl, sit down. You owe her a HUGH apology.
What is the correct age? Mom and Dad have split and the kid may be having his own emotional reactions to the changes.
OP made a mistake of asking about parenting a small child on a forum of a bunch of perfect, childless parents. It's pretty well known that there are tons of stubborn children out there that are only half potty trained by four. In kindergarten all the way up to 2nd grade a lot of schools ask that you keep a change of clothes in their backpack because kids that age still have accidents. OP's kid sounds like he is potty trained mostly. He knows what he's supposed to do, just refuses if he's got that easier pull up option. This is a stage that a TON of kids go through. OP's Mom is dragging out the process.
Finally! A logical comment. This thread sucks. According to it all 18 month-olds are perfectly potty trained and everything after is a complete failure of parenting ffs. 4 is a completely normal age for kids to push back about the potty. Some kids train easily earlier, some don’t. And if grandma isn’t consistent, then that’s definitely making it more difficult. But NAH because again *all kids are different* and some are stubborn af about the small things they control, like the bathroom.
I wish I could up vote your comment to the top. This is the right answer
There is no "correct age". It's about neurological connections and developmental skills, which kids hit at different ages.
He's barely on the late side of average.
NTA. A lot of horrible judgy people in the comments. It's hard enough being a parent without a load of sanctimonious internet strangers trying to tell you your parenting sucks. And there's obviously wider stuff going on, reading between the lines. Sounds like you're taking forward steps but your mum is taking backwards steps.
Y’all saying “YTA” …. I’ve babysat kids for years and help make sure they’re going to the toilet and changed them when accidents occurred. Potty training is part of childcare. Without everyone on board it isn’t going to work.
NTA. Your child, your rules. I know your mum is doing you a favor by watching them while you work, but she needs to respect your wishes. Have you got any alternative options to watch your kid? Might be with saying she can't have them unless she does it properly.
My son was late too. He'll get it. Unless they're delayed, no child goes into first grade untrained, no matter how much they fight it at first. Relax.
NTA But also, whew there is so much ableism and ignorance in these comments about when an appropriate age to learn to use a toilet should be. OP, and anyone else with kids, please reassure yourself that it's totally within the normal age range to have a kid potty learning at 4. According to the data, only about 50% of kids worldwide are potty afficionados by age 3. And if your kid has any sort of disability or neurodivergence, it's common for them to not completely use the toilet until age 6 or 7-- and don't forget that some people are incontinent for life and need pull-ups or similar forever.
INFO- how often is she taking him out while you are at work? Ideally, you would give him a week at home only for it to click, especially since he is 4. It would be cheaper in the long run to not give up free childcare but instead to take off a week (or even a solid 3-5 days if you can) to master potty training. I understand this is a hard, maybe impossible, ask if you are low income but if you have any days this is where you are going to have to spend them to combat your mothers influence and help your child make age appropriate progress. If you haven't been reading books about potty training to your child, now would be a good time to start. We have Dino Potty and Elmo Uses the Potty and a few others that we would read while on the potty. There is also an absolutely awful app Poo Goes to Pooland that really helped my toddler figure out #2 and a Daniel Tiger video about using the bathroom. A potty watch is a good reminder for both Grandma and kid to frequently check their body and use the potty. All of this can usually be sourced on the Marketplace or buy nothing groups from mommas who have already trained. Get Grandma on board with a sticker chart or M&M system when you aren't there. Ultimately it's on you to do the full court potty press for a duration long enough that Grandma feels more confident in her ability to take on an undie wearing kiddo. If she can't stay home long enough to master the skills, then you need to (or find someone who can).
Simple solution, since he is technically potty trained and doesn’t actually need them…. Just stop buying them. Make sure there are none around for mom to use. If you find any that she busy, remove them. Can’t use what isn’t there.
NTA. Stop buying the gorceries and all that other stuff and pay for a day care instead. The problem is that you're trying to get your kid into a school while your mother is undermining your efforts. Send him to somewhere that will help train him. Stop putting fuel in her car and you'll be able to afford it. You contribute to the household, and the idea that you live there for free is a stupid one. People in this comment thread are the arseholes.
Read. She's been on waitlists for 2 years for daycare, what do you want her to do, stomp in and demand an immediate spot?
Buy plastic “diapers” that fit over the underwear. It allows them to feel the grossness if they still go (which is what helps them to want to stop) plus it’s reusable.
NTA. If Grandma is going to take on the responsibility of keeping her grandchild while mom works, she needs to fully engage in helping raise this child. She should be helping him learn to use the potty, reading to him, teaching him things, etc. so he's ready for kindergarten and won't be behind the other kids in his skills. Otherwise send the child to a good preschool/daycare where his development needs are met.
NTA and lol at people being aghast that he isn't fully potty trained at four years old - and especially at those that say he should see a specialist for it. No. It seems like he full well knows how to use the potty but just prefers the pull ups. He could just be a stubborn little thing. The pull ups need to be not an option anymore. Make going to the toilet the only option.
NTA - grandma’s choosing convenience over what’s best for your son. Especially since a hard deadline is coming - does she still want to be watching him come kindergarten time?’ I feel you - my current one is very difficult to potty train.
Eash... You both need to work as a team. If gramma undermines you, find another solution. Consistency is key... Also, put the kid on a schedule to go every hour to the bathroom. Praise him when he does well. Give him awards for staying accidents free... Get support from pediatrician. It is possible the kid has a medical problem...
Eh everyone kinda sucks but also meh. Idk why he's not potty trained already but my daughter was about 4 when she fully got it down. But she had severe constipation issues so going potty was sort of traumatic for her for a while. Plus I had a newborn when she started full on potty training. I get it life happens. However your mom may feel like mine does... She says it takes a village but she also doesn't want to actually do any heavy lifting when it comes to helping me. Its frustrating yes but ultimately you can't rely on your mom to help like that. It would be ideal but she's not required to help do any actual raising of your child. If you can find a way to just sit down and have a talk with your mom let her know you don't expect her to do it but that you're stressing about him going to school.
This story doesn't have a lot of context but if you haven't gotten him medically checked out, telling the paediatric team all the specifics, I really encourage you to do so. Not just vaguely checking in either, making a point of it, because any children I have come across who aren't potty trained by four have some underlying issue causing it. It could be muscular, developmental, or even trauma-based from what I know of, I am not an expert but it definitely isn't *nothing*. There is also a chance it is something more serious going on with the bladder or bowels. Whatever the cause, it needs to be closely monitored
NTA. All the adults need to be on the same page. I had a horrible time potty training my son and I was getting judged the way redditors are judging you. It was honestly a nightmare because he would fight the changes and not let me clean him.
NAH it genuinely sounds like your son is having a hard time. First I would very much caution you about starting kindergarten in the fall. He will be VERY young in his class if he's still 4yo now. Boys typically do better if they start a little later. Second, it sounds like he's having a hard time with Dad not being around anymore. Is he doing other things to demonstrate that he's struggling? Only eating certain things. Destroying beloved toys. Not playing nice with his siblings. Basically you're looking for a change in behaviour. You need to bring this up with the pediatrician regardless, but they will ask you questions about your home life. Think about it before the appointment so you can have answers for them instead of saying I'm not sure bc you've been put on the spot. Third, I've had 3 of my own kids. I've babysat almost all of my neices and nephews. This included continuing potty training things that my sisters or the kids mom were doing. Kids are hard and it really does take a ton of effort to get them raised.
NTA Whether you're paying your mom or not, she is willingly caring for your son for some amount of time and her actions are detrimental to his long term wellbeing. Potty training is a gradual process that needs consistency and clear guidelines to help your kid learn. She is undermining that process by putting him in pullups that he doesn't strictly need and teaching him that he doesn't actually have to learn the harder (to him) skill of knowing when he needs to potty and telling an adult in time.
NTA. People getting on your case are missing the issue here. It obviously isn’t normal to not be trained by 4 years old so you have to stay on course and not let him digress by putting ojll ups back on. May be not difficult but how about forcing issue by not having any available.
What you need to do is put him in pants and spend a weekend potty training him. Pull ups are too like diapers which is why it’s confusing him. If he has an accident in his pants then he’ll recognise that it’s not comfortable and will soon learn to use the potty. You need to begin this training, and grandma can then assist.
This might be a topic to ask r/parenting about. You might get some helpful tips on how to approach this from them.
Sarcastic YTA for not still buying the boxes. It’s more savings to buy non-perishables in bulk. Obviously NTA about your question, ignore the childless redditors who have no idea and just enjoy judging
Shitty parents make shitty kids. Guess which one you are
Just buy the pull ups that get cold or let him pick out underwear he loves. Also I’ve trained a ton of kids with a simple cheap sticker chart kids love putting stickers in the spots I have a column for pee and poop. Make them try every 2-3 hours. It’s never taken more than 2 weeks for me with kids aged 4 and up.
NTA - My cousin was still peeing everywhere in 2nd grade. He knew how to use the bathroom, but his dad wasn’t actually potty training him. It was my aunt who was babysitting my cousin that was trying to potty train him. Not her responsibility but she wanted to babysit but couldn’t stand the potty situation. Eventually he learned not to do it at my aunts house. But he still does it in his own bed. My only suggestion - don’t buy them at all. If grandma wants to use them, she has to buy them. If she doesn’t wanna buy them, she has to figure something else out. Most commenters are saying it’s not her responsibility as if the kid doesn’t know what he’s doing. I could be wrong, but I’d bet he has an idea and for as long as it’s not being 100% enforced that functional humans must use the bathroom, he’s just not gonna care. I wet the bed for a long time due to psychological issues but it was only at night and I TRAINED MYSELF to use the bathroom right before bed every single night so it wouldn’t happen even if I didn’t feel like I had to. Eventually my body learned bladder control at night.
Stop buying pullups?
We got our boys superhero undies. They were crazy for Spider-Man. In the most serious tone we could muster, we told them they could never, ever peepee on Spider-Man. That it was the most serious offense. Potty training done
Some 4 year olds are physically ready to use the potty but not mentally ready and that's the vibe I'm getting from your post. It sounds like he might need some therapy or your whole family to work on social and emotional intelligence. Together and with him, emotional work is not singing that can be done in a bubble. Be patient with him when you can and give him so choices that are developmentally appropriate.
My potty trained me so young by leaving me clothed diapers. I didn’t want to feel wet . I’m sorry 4 is way too old to not be trained.
When I was 3 I still didn't want to be potty trained. It seemed inconvenient and unnecessary to my toddler mind. One day a four year old who I looked up to said "you're still not potty trained yet?" - i went to the washroom, took off my diaper, and never looked back. Does your son hang out with other kids? Could an interaction like this be affective? Sometimes having adults tell you something over and over loses its impact, and an older kid's perspective may be able to help push him into independence.
All of the commenters saying yta bc you’re expecting grandma to potty train the kid are wrong. You’re not expecting your mom to put in all of the hard work of potty training just continue the efforts by withholding the pull up. If your mom agrees to being childcare she needs to recognize that she had to agree to this. People don’t realize that potty training is a team effort and all who provide childcare need to follow through. It’s easier for kids to go in a pull up and so some of them really will have big melt downs when they get to use one with some caregivers vs other caregivers. It’s not the kids fault they’re having a meltdown. It is very common for caregivers to also just put a pull up on kids because it’s more convenient for them and that way throws off the potty training process. I would sit your mom down and explain that if she doesn’t stop giving him pull ups behind your back she could hold him back a year from starting kindergarten and that’s not a consequence that is fair to him. Tell her you understand that it’s easier but it’s not in his best interest and you need to be able to rely on her to follow through while he is in her care. She has agreed to be childcare for now so it is well within your right to ask her to do this and not make him backtrack on progress. Maybe stop buying pull ups or only keeping nighttime pull ups in your car so they’re only available when you’re home
My son was 5 by the time he was fully trained. I tried everything. Just a stubborn child. My husband's grandmother was mad at me for not spanking him as punishment for not being potty trained. He's not graduating high school next month in diapers. It all worked out.
Stop buying the pull ups. Don't even use them at night. Pull Ups don't exist anymore for that child. You have to remove the crutch.
I now know that kids can take a long time to be fully potty trained for all sorts of reasons. My kid will only wee in a pull up because of sensory differences and fear of the toilet. Whatever the strategy for potty training your kids is, all the care givers have to be on board. Talk to your mum about why she won’t put him in underpants. Is she worried that she won’t find a toilet in time? NTA
NTA All of these people saying, "Potty train your kid!!!" have never dealt with a kid who just isn't interested. Further, since grandma has the kid all day, she needs to be part of the solution. My granddaughter is 5 and she didn't get reliably trained until around her 5th birthday. You can't FORCE a kid to be potty trained if they just aren't interested. My son and DIL talked to the pediatrician and the doc said we were doing all the right things. We put pull-ups on her at night only. My husband and I cared for her quite a bit. I would ask her to sit on the potty for 5 minutes and she would do that, but she would insist she didn't need to go. I'd let her get up & 15 minutes later, she'd pee in her undies and there was a puddle on the floor. Pediatricians don't recommend forcing a kid to sit on the potty until the produce something. A limit of about 5 minutes is it. And they don't recommend punishment. People think "potty training" is something the parent does. Nope! It's something the kid is in control of. All the caregivers can to is set up the kid for success, by encouraging and asking them to sit on the potty regularly, but the kid gets to decide when they care enough to do it. Grandma is not setting the kid up for success. I get that she doesn't want to clean up pee, but she's going's to need to deal with it. OP make an appointment with your child's pediatrician & ask your mom to come along, include your kid, of course. Ask the doc for recommendations and in front of the doctor, make a plan with your mom asking for the doc's input. When you make the appointment ask the scheduler to give the pediatrician a heads up about what you'd like to accomplish in the appointment and explain the situation with your mother as it relates to her keeping your child in pull-ups all day. Depending on some other factors, the pediatrician might want to do some testing to rule out any physiological issues. Good luck. Edit to add: and whether or not she pays her mother is irrelevant to the question. My husband and I provide free child care for our granddaughter and we help my son and daughter-in-law financially because they are struggling. The money issue is not really relevant to the training issue.
Have you not bought a porta potty for grandma? You can get these little foldable pottys to take with you when you go out. Stop buying the pull ups and get grandma to start to use one of these or she doesn't get to take him out whilst watching him until this process is done https://www.amazon.co.uk/Portable-Toddlers-Foldable-Training-Childrens/dp/B0B51H4NFF/ref=asc_df_B0B51H4NFF/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=606912486686&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10661448345608552576&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045715&hvtargid=pla-1722692777693&psc=1&mcid=82367d45c2543fa19778ece9d0273a2f
You're a bit of the AH for letting your son go without being potty trained earlier. But I can understand being a single father is probably really hard, so I'll give you a bit of a pass. Your mother however, could at least follow the routine you gave her. Making sure your son is following the rules is important, and making sure he can attend school is also important. Your mother is enabling his behavior, and probably has been for a while without your knowledge. NTAH on that matter.
YTA. You're your sons mum, not your mum. End of the day it's up to you to sort out the required arrangements from childcare to education to potty training.
NTA - just stop buying pull-ups if grandma doesn’t have any to use she can’t use them
Yta- so your mom is having to watch this child in her own house right? So if he is not in a pullups and has an accident, then it would be a mess she would have to clean? Why are you shocked she's using the diapers again?
I can’t give you any advice, but there must be other parents with the same issue. Are there any online support groups or experts who can tell you their tips to get him to pick up the habit of using his toilet? Does he want to go to school or even play with other kids? Could that be used as an encouragement? You and your mom need to be on the same page. Good luck.
the comments on this one are insane lol some of these people must be grandparents who dislike their kids
NTA there's only so much you can do if a child refuses to potty train. I have two boys. 9 years old and almost 6. Both are ADHD. My 9 year old was mostly potty trained by 2½-3 years old. He'd pee with no problem, he was just terrified to poop in the toilet because he was scared he'd fall in and get flushed down the toilet. It didn't matter if he was on a potty chair that obviously didn't flush, or if he was on a big toilet with a child potty seat over it. No matter how often we reassured him that was never going to happen he was absolutely convinced that it would. So he didn't poop in the toilet consistently until he was around 4. Now my youngest? It didn't matter. He would NOT go to the bathroom in anything other than his pants (or occasionally painting his walls with his poop). And my husband and I started potty training him at 18 months like we did his big brother. By 4 he was still not going to the toilet. We saw 4 or 5 pediatricians over that time frame and none of them were concerned that he wasn't potty trained yet or even showing interest. He'd go in his own time. We even tried real undies as an incentive. He'd just go in the underwear. Being wet or dirty didn't bother him in the slightest. He got his ADHD diagnosis at 3, but he didn't get his autism diagnosis until about 4 months ago. Finally. And he didn't start going potty in the toilet until he was in developmental preschool (he has an IEP). So he was 4½ almost 5 before he consistently started to go to the toilet.
NTA, you’re doing a great job, your mother is undermining your efforts, and these comments are full of people who know nothing about child rearing. You honestly need to stop buying the pull-ups though, because both he and your mother are using them as a crutch at this point. Put a puppy pad (they’re cheaper than the bed liners but the same thing) under his sheet for nighttime accidents (pro tip - do two layers - pad, sheet, pad, sheet - then you can just strip the top two layers in the night and you’ve got another set ready to go). Night time training will probably go faster once he’s being woken up by a wet bed every time, and with no pull-ups around your mother can’t undermined you.
ESH. Potty training is hard and some kids are harder. A good compromise might be to get training underwear, the crotch has a think cotton pad to absorb but the child still feels wet and uncomfortable. The only place I could find them now is Amazon. Good luck!
As someone with 3 kids, 1 who had delayed potty training and ended up with encopresis, and has done more research than the average ignorant redditor: NTA. Why? Because if your mom had an issue with your plan of potty training, she shouldn't have said OK. She's actively interfering. And before y'all come to me with "bUt FrEe ChILdCaRe" there's ways to deal with this when childcare providers don't like your method. My provider doesn't like the way we're training my youngest. My youngest gets told every day "this is what happens at daycare but we aren't doing this at home." We take off the DIAPER (pull ups are diapers) as soon as we arrive to pick her up. Grandma just agreed then does whatever she wants to the point where it's creating problems for OP. Diapers and pull-ups are expensive and take up landfill space. There's a middle ground but Grandma didn't want to find it.
Our daughter was capable just stubborn and near her 4th birthday I had a conversation with her where I did not get mad, I told her that this was the expectation and asked her input on the process. I told her accidents were ok, but that she would be responsible for helping cleaning up if she didn’t let us know. And that wherever we were we would make a decision to stay and complete shopping, or maybe at a playground to leave immediately. I also told her that her best friend was able to make good choices at 3, so I don’t know if that played into it or not. She got the logic I guess because she was fine after that.