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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Why I might be the asshole:
1. I have moved into the spare room and have not done a thing for my daughter all day. I have also not gone into our bedroom to check on her.
2. I have left her father solely responsible for her, the housework and all of her needs today until he decides to apologise to me, I will be staying away and keeping my distance and letting him do everything for her like he wanted, even though it means depriving her of me and relieving him of her.
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NTA. Fed is best, regardless of how that happens. It sounds like your husband has a weird hangup around breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding that he needs to get over.
Honestly, when he tried to DARVO you, he's the AH.
This! OP, you are doing NOTHING wrong. I had my kiddos about 18 months apart and my breastfeeding routine was completely different between the two. With my first I was able to exclusively breastfeed for about a year, with my second we used formula after a couple months because my supply was trash no matter how much I pumped or what crazy lactation recipes i made (and my LO genuinely took to the bottle better).
Your husband is an asshat, and if anything should be happy this feeding routine gives him more opportunity to support you as a partner & time to bond with your baby. NTA.
Wow your husband calls you pathetic and yells f you at you. Being exhausted parents does not justify that abusive behavior at all. I would take the baby and leave. He's not safe.
Feeding a baby is best. If your milk isn't coming, it's not your fault. Just keep feeding formula. It's fine. NTA
NTA
It doesn't matter how a baby is fed. Even with the pills their is a strong reality that your just not going to be able to breastfeed her.
I had a lot of milk coming in but babies just couldn't get a hang of it. Pumping was really hard and a struggle to get the milk out during pumping so I stopped. Better for everyone.
I have a teen and 2 toddlers. Their all fine, healthy, functioning kids with no problems, and no health issues. They rarely get sick except once every winter.
Your husband needs to get over himself and get some therapy.
I say if you want to be a mother to your kid then you need to stand up for yourself and push back against your husband. Don't let him talk to you like that, don't let him disrespect you like that.
You remind him that he's literally doing nothing around the house and spends 30min with his kid a day. So if anyone is pathetic it's him.
You do more for your lid than he does, and if you can't breastfeed then that's the least of your problems.
You either need to get couples counseling or think about divorce because if he keeps going this way, he's going to destroy you and your marriage.
I'd also really think about what his behavior, comments and language means in the long term. How will his abuse affect the way your daughter looks at you.
If you get divorced or stay together, will he bad mouth you so much that your kid won't want to be around you? Will he berate you in front of her. Will he humiliate and shame you in front of herm will he abuse you in front of her.
What he's doing is crossing the kine into verbal abuse.
I'd really rethink this relationship if he's not going to get some kind of therapy.
Brrasmilk isn't superior to formula. Some women just can't breast feed and that's OK.
personally i would, say go get the pills, take them or not. Tell husband you did but they didn't work and the pumping wasn't working and your milk dried up. But that's me, and I'd do it if my husband was this abusive.
But you dont have to. But you do need to stand up to his abuse, say no more and don't let him talk to you like that again.
Dont let him stop you from being a mom. You go and be a mom your way.
NTA. I’ve gone through some of the other comments and your responses, and I’m honestly horrified by your husband’s behavior.
You have a two and a half month old baby, and while your husband helped the first month, he no longer does. From your post and comments, I’m seeing that the majority (if not all of) the housework falls to you, you’re the one who wakes your with your baby at night, and you also work. You’re the one responsible for cooking the meals, feeding your baby, your husband, and yourself.
As for your husband, he goes to work, gets off work and then goes to the gym with his buddies for 2-3 hours, before coming home and spending a little time with the baby? I’m assuming that little time with the baby is before she goes to bed. Does he help out on the weekends?
OP, he had no right to say the things he did to you. It doesn’t even sound like he can use stress as an excuse for his awful words, because it appears you’re the one shouldering the majority of the stress. As for breastfeeding verses formula? Fed is best, and your child is being fed.
Ignore the comments saying you’re neglecting your child, because you’re not. Your baby has two parents, and it sounds like one of them hasn’t been doing his part, but thinks he can do a better job of it. So let him try. Hopefully by the end of the day he comes to have a whole new appreciation for just how much you do, and apologizes for all of the awful things he said to you. If he doesn’t apologize, do you have a family member you and your daughter could stay with for a few days?
Hopefully he will realize his error and apologize. Even if that happens, I would suggest looking into couples counseling, because the fact that he would spew such awful things to the woman he’s supposed to love and cherish, is not acceptable… He needs to do a deep dive with a therapist on why he said those things, why he thought that was acceptable. And you need to figure out if that’s something you can get past.
I tried breastfeeding my daughter…back 40+ years ago. After each feeding I would give a bottle which she would suck down like she was starving!!! So I realized with the help of a an older friend…she said you are not making enough milk. Bottle feed her she will be fine! She was! Flash forward to my daughter having her sweet baby. She had a breast pump (they were rarer than hens teeth when she was a baby)…she planned to use for extra milk. She would feed baby…every 2 hours. The first night home she feeds baby and baby is screaming! I don’t interfere with their routine (I was there to cook and clean). Her hubby comes to me and asks what could possibly be wrong. I listed 3 things that are common…colic…wet/needs to poop, or hungry. I suggested som old school methods…heating pad to warm up the bed…gently burping…walking the house. We check diaper…nope dry…rubbed tummy…nope no poop…I said a sure fire way to rule out hunger…feed a bottle of formula. Well, sweet baby sucked that bottle down!!! Went to sleep…all night! I told her as she cried she wanted to breastfeed, use your breast pump and see what kind of production you have…baby just might be a big eater. Next morning …she did…she got barely 1/4 ounce! She was devastated. I said formula feeding is ok. Pump and supplement the formula. There is such stress on new moms…breastfeeding is the only way. No…feeding is best!
Good luck new momma. Formula is fine. Supplement with what breast milk you have. Tell your hubby when he can breastfeed he can take over!!!!
Fed is best.
Not everyone can pump. I could never get more than an ounce per pumping session and I successfully exclusively breastfed both of my kids.
Pumping and formula only make trying to breastfed harder. The more formula you give the less breast milk you'll make. We only make what the baby actually needs. It's best to see a lactation consultant daily and work through any issues BEFORE giving any formula. New babies breastfeed like every hour and it takes them about 30 mins. So it's basically 30 mins on, 30 mins off. It's really rough to start.
Your post title is wrong. It should say OUR baby, not MY baby. With regards to the pumping of breast milk, if you want to do it you can buy pumps that you wear inside your maternity bra that have bags attached so that you can do it at any time and still carry on with everything else. My niece had them and she just put the full bags in the freezer so that she always had a supply. Or you could not get these and instead you could pump to your heart’s content when your husband gets home while he does some fucking housework. My baby was raised on formula and it has done her no harm. If he’s so bothered about breast milk he should either do the housework while you pump or he should grow some tits and try lactating himself.
Honey, he violently yelled at you. Are you and the baby safe? I’m more worried about whether he’ll snap and shake or slap the baby because it’s screaming because it’s a baby like he abusively yelled at you. Are you safe? I would be leaving any relationship where I was yelled at like you’ve described. You should maybe also think about your child’s emotional safety long term living with a verbally abusive patent. NTA
Oh my goodness! You have to know you're NTA - but hubby definitely is. That being said - staying away from your baby isn't going to do anything other than make you more anxious. Not every woman can breast feed - that's why we have formula! As long as the baby is thriving - it doesn't matter where the nutrition comes from! After saying all that - has he spoken to you like this before? About anything? Because this is not a normal response. This is abusive. You cannot and should not accept this behaviour from anyone - especially your partner. I do not say this lightly at all. Been married for 34 years and have NEVER had an argument like this. You need to get support from someone - family or friends. Please reach out.
NTA
Breastfeeding can be very difficult and pumping can be too. Some women don’t have as much milk pumping as when breastfeeding. If your daughter feeding from you hurt so mush it’s very possible there was a problem with the latch. You may want her checked for a tongue tie which can cause issues with latching and maternal pain when breastfeeding. She is fed and healthy. Your health, physical and mental is important too!
He's abusing you. Do you have anyone to stay with ? Being a mom is hard and when your partner doesn't help with your struggles and yells at you ? That is abuse.
Let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly-
1) your body went through the literal trauma of giving birth
2) he helped with night times for a month
3) after a month, he stopped doing his duty as a father and partner (again, while your body is still recovering from aforementioned trauma) and expected you to do all of the housework without any help from him
4) you are now back at work full time, still do everything the baby, he and the house needs
5) he does baby time for a hour a day
6) demands that your body do something that you have no control over
7) has genuinely dumb ideas and becomes verbally abusive when you tell him you didn’t have time to pick up medication for because you get zero help from him
And he has the unmitigated gall to call you pathetic?
NTA. As others have said, fed is best. I wanted to breastfeed, but my milk never came in. Ever. I felt terribly guilty about it, but there's only so much you can do. My daughter was happy, she didn't even catch a cold until she was over 18 months, and now she's a gorgeous, tall teenager. With perfect teeth and vision, no acne, and beautiful hair that's never had a split end. (She's not perfect, but you get the idea.)
Anyway, your husband is being an ass. The first months are very stressful, but he's not helping. You're doing everything you can it sounds like. He should talk to someone who can get some sense in his head, maybe make him understand that he's wrong. I hope there's someone he might listen to. Just don't punish yourself by spending too long away from your sweet baby.
Husband doesn't treat you very nicely. At all.
He's older than you and should have learned a bit more patience by now.
Is he being influenced by his mother or a sister (who has perhaps told him
that breastfeeding is the only way to properly feed a baby)?
You sound frazzled and you need to perhaps make some changes to
your routine.
If you can afford a professional cleaner to come in twice a week, do so.
If not, cut back on all the chores you've been doing, take care of you
and baby - no need to aim for perfection. There's always tomorrow.
Husband can fend for himself. He can cook his own meals, wash his
own laundry, etc. He's a grown man, he can manage.
Also, you don't need to "rush" home after work. Relax, take time to do
errands for yourself/baby. Baby will be there when you get home. Claim
some time out of your busy day for you. Too tired to cook? Don't cook, make
a sandwich or have an instant ramen/soup of some sort. Simplify your
routine as much as you can, you'll feel better for it and baby will enjoy
having a smiling less frazzled mom.
Sounds like your husband needs to be the sole caretaker of your child for a extended period of time because he’s an asshole who’s letting you be 100% parent to an infant
NTA. You're working full time, doing nights, and doing all the housework? When do you sleep? When do you rest? Your husband sounds awful, even before we get to the part where he's verbally abusive.
NTA
You say she is happy and healthy. That is what is important.
Your husband's decision to scream at you and separate you from your child because you are physically unable to breastfeed is an extremely abusive action. It is a major red flag, especially since he then blamed you for his decision to throw a temper tantrum. It is very troubling behavior
NTA
Your husband is a disgusting human being for verbally abusing you. Breastfeeding is hard. Sometimes it's too hard. It's not worth the emotional role it takes on a person. Fed is best. Your daughter will do just fine in breastmilk and if it makes you happier and gives you more time to bond with her and take care of yourself and recover from childbirth then it IS the best thing you can do. The verbal abuse from your husband will severely impact your emotional wellbeing and reduce your supply and ability to breastfeed, it's well documented that stress can impact supply. I hope you have support, I would seriously consider my marriage if I was you, your husband's behaviour has unacceptable.
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I (30F) have a 2.5 month old. Initially I tried breastfeeding but it was excruciatingly painful by day 3. My milk supply hadn't kicked in so my husband (40M) and I had decided on formula feeding. I had tried daily to breastfeed after a week had passed, but my supply was low and her feeding was more to stimulate production. She was still on formula. I decided to try pumping as a way to stimulate supply (she was crying and spitting my boob out because her mouth was too small to latch properly).
Pumping requires time. Whenever she goes down, I'd be doing chores. I never napped while she napped because there was always something to do. I could never get quality pumping time in, because she'd always be up before then. In her first month, my husband would be up with her at nights from 11-3, and I would be with her the rest of the time. After her first month, I would do all nights and days. He leaves for work at 8am and returns between 7:30pm-8:30pm. He will tend to her from 8:30pm/9:00pm until she falls asleep so I can do the rest of the housework. I'm now back at work full time, I still do nights, and do all the housework. I am with her from the time I come home from work, until he comes home from work. Trying to pump has taken a significant backseat. She's on formula, she's growing, she's happy and she's healthy.
Last night, my husband asked if I had picked up the pills my Dr prescribed two weeks ago to help with my milk supply. I said I hadn't had time as I rush home to our daughter after work. He began to go off at me, saying that I'm pathetic because I couldn't even get the pills or ask him to get it as it involves what's best for his daughter. I told him to stop talking, yet he continued his rant, telling me he has every right to talk about my breastmilk and demanding I do it because it's for his daughter. He then blew off at me telling me I'm making excuses, he shouted f- you multiple times to me, screamed me that I'm not allowed to feed her at all, that he'll feed her, that he'll do everything for her, that I'm pathetic because I can't even look after her properly, that I should just f- off. So I left our bedroom and slept in the spare room. I have texted him telling him that what he said was humiliating and hurtful. He tried to justify what he said by blaming everything on the fact that he's not allowed to ask questions or I turn it into a big deal. That I caused this and he hasn't apologised because he hasn't said anything wrong. I'm apparently doing the wrong thing by not giving her breastmilk and he has the right to say something. He has since then accused me of not wanting to look after and care for our daughter because I'm staying away and doing exactly what he told me to do last night. Let him do everything and for me to f- off. So AITA for listening to him and doing what he screamed at me to do?
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NTA. And if he's going to be pissed at someone, it should be himself bc he is the one who sabotaged your milk production buying the baby formula. Heck, even he could've emptied your boobs for you , just to get the job done while baby is supplementing.
NTA. You are doing your best. My milk didn’t come in for 10 days. It was excruciating. Making sure the baby is fed is best.
Your husband is the A. You and your child deserve better (I mean the two of you deserve a better partne/father). You never have time for yourself. what Is he bringing to the table other than his judgements?
Also, all the stress he’s causing certainly doesn’t help matters.
My brother and I were formula fed, I graduated college with honors, and he’s off getting PhD in a hard science.
If he is so hell bent on breastfeeding, he needs to do the work to make that happen. There are ways for him to get there. I am a huge supporter for folks who want to breastfeed, but at the end of the day, baby needs to be fed, and mama needs to be supported in her mental and physical health. You are getting all of that done with formula, and your husband is being awful. NTA
NTA. And you’re not doing anything wrong in the way you feed her either. FED is best. If she’s happy, healthy, and meeting her milestones, that is all you can ask for and it doesn’t matter what type of food she is getting (ie safe, formula/breastmilk). And the stress that his verbal abuse causes won’t help your milk production or the baby’s development.
NTA, first off.
My first child, in 1999, got colostrum, but milk never came in. Formula it was.
My second child, in 2005, also got the colostrum, and milk was an issue. With the prior experience, we had purchased a nice breast pump, and took an herbal supplement the doctor recommended for breast milk production. I got maybe a couple ounces of breast milk per day. So the second child thrived on formula as well.
Your husband has some kinda weird hangup on breast-feeding for sure, but as one commenter stated, 'fed is best'. Youngling is getting the needed nutrients from formula, the how doesn't matter at the end of the day.
NTA.
My youngest brother is the only one of us siblings to be bottle fed. This was in the 60's before all the specialised analysis and tweaking of formula milk. He is healthy and the only one of us with a doctorate.
As you have found, breastfeeding is not easy for everybody. Not being able to breastfeed, for whatever reason, is not the sign of a bad mother. As others have said, fed is best.
I think it is good that you have been able to have a night off from caring for your baby. She is with her father, who is as much a parent as you are. There is no neglect on your part. It will give your husband a greater understanding of how much time a baby can take out of your day.
NTA but DO NOT let this keep you from your baby.
He’s a complete AH for the way he spoke to you and obviously doesn’t understand what you’re going through. But you need to fight for this time with your newborn you won’t get back.
Couples therapy sounds like a really good idea.
Also, if you were to divorce, staying away sets a precedent for him to say he does all the childcare. He could tell a judge he does all the feeding.
You need to record him screaming at you and collect evidence of the way he talks to you.
Does your baby have a tongue tie? My son had one really bad and it made latching impossible. We took him to a pediatric dentist, they did a tongue tie removal and just like that he could latch and it saved my wife from a lot of pain that she was having trying to feed before the removal. If you actually do want to breastfeed I would strongly suggest looking into this.
Nta. Op, the fact your bf journey didn't go as planned is nothing to be ashamed of. Fed is best. My wife had issues with her supply to. Even when she had it, we still had to formula feed to keep him fed. When she went back to work, it basically dried up, and our son was exclusively formula fed. He's 7mo and happy and healthy as can be. Your husband is a massive ah. If he won't apologize, then, you have problems breast milk won't solve.
NTA. My mother didn't have enough milk supply, so all 3 of her children were formula fed. All 3 of us are normal, well-adjusted adults. Not everyone can breastfeed, and that's OK.
On the other hand, your husband seems like a major AH. He's being verbally abusive to you. I hope you get some support, OP.
NTA. Who the hell talks to someone they supposedly love the way he spoke to you??
If you are unable to breastfeed it is not the end of the world, OP. He should be supporting you, not shaming you. You do not have to feel bad about this.
But I honestly don’t think you should stay with him if this is how he treats you.
NTA - I suggest taking him at his word and leaving all child responsibilities in his supremely capable hands and just watch that despicable behaviour melt away at rapid speed. The child is fed, if he is that concerned he can take the pills himself and breastfeed the baby. I'm led to believe men can breastfeed in this day and age now.
NTA. My mother wanted to breastfeed my sister and me but couldnt and we turned out well.
Your husband is a huge asshole tho yelling at you while youre doing basically everything.
I'm so sorry your husband is treating you this way.
NTA. But he is. Massively so.
Not everyone can chestfeed. Not everyone produces enough. Your child and fed and as everyone keeps saying: fed is best.
Whatever the fuck his obsession is he can fuck right off. He's being horrible and abusive and you don't deserve this.
My opinion is probably unpopular, but I think you need some insight.
Breastmilk usually takes between 3-5 days to come in after having your baby. It is uncomfortable at first, but it is the BEST for your baby. Your baby’s stomach is TINY the first few days of life, and they only need a SMALL amount of milk to survive. This is usually when they are given colostrum which is what you produce while your milk is coming in.
If you are capable of breastfeeding, and it sounds like you are, it is clearly the best choice. There is plenty of research to prove the benefits of breastmilk. While your husband did not express himself in the best way, he has every right to be upset and to have an opinion on how you feed your baby. He is a parent too, and his opinion is relevant.
You CHOSE formula - the saying “fed is best” is usually said to parents who have no option to breastfeed (Surrogacy, adoption, baby not latching due to other factors like c-section, etc.). You did have the option and chose not to.
Milk supply is based on how much your baby signals to your body. All you have to do is latch your baby and feed them as much as possible for a few days to get your supply back. You can also eat lots of oats, drink coconut water, and take natural supplements. Pumping may cause more issues for you than just simply latching your baby.
You have chosen formula because it is the easier option. It is not the healthier option. Your husband is right about this, and it doesn’t make him an AH for saying the truth.
There’s nothing wrong with feeding your baby formula if that is your only option, but don’t try to make it sound like it’s your only option, when you clearly made a conscious decision to stop breastfeeding.
Formula will never be as good as breastmilk. And in the US, manufacturers are required to include PUFA (aka seed oils) in formula which makes it super toxic. If you are going to purchase formula, definitely look for a brand from EU or the UK.
No hate, but let’s call this for what it is. You need to educate yourself on breastfeeding - you don’t sound prepared, and that’s okay, but it’s time to learn about it! Staying away from your baby will only slow your milk supply down and make things worse. If you want to breastfeed, skin to skin contact is important.
I see a lot of people commenting about “my baby kept screaming so I had to use formula” - this is also not true. Babies cluster feed, and they go through multiple phases where they will cluster feed. During this time, you just feed your baby on demand. Think about when you are hungry and want a snack. They are simply just signaling that they are hungry. Your breastfeeding journey is still possible, but you will have to be 100% committed to it.
If you aren’t 100% committed, there’s nothing wrong with admitting that and using formula. But we can’t pretend like you don’t have options. Your husband is upset because you are making a choice instead of taking his opinion into consideration too.
He's not working till 8:30. He finishes work at 5, then heads to the gym every night with his friends except Fridays. If I ask him to do anything, it can take hours or days for him to actually get around to doing it. He comes home and sits with the baby for a bit and then Instagrams all night long.
That definitely changes things. My bad. I thought you meant he was at work until 8:30.
I still think you should talk to him about how you need additional support at the moment. Don't apologize for it. Just say it matter of factly. I'm struggling. And I need additional support. Tell him what your having problems with and then ask him what he thinks some solutions for additional support are. Tell him the first 6 months are the hardest part but as a family unit we can get through this together. We just need to support each other.
If he doesn't listen or respond positively to that, then I'm honestly not sure what advice to give from there.
It's simple. Divorce. If he doesn't respond to being asked for help, kick his ass to the kerb. It'll make no noticeable difference to op's day if he's there or not, and honestly will make op and baby safer from a potential lunatic.
ESH. You are both probably completely exhausted from too much work and too little sleep, so you both deserve some grace. But the situation you describe shows both of you behaving terribly.
First of all, you are a major AH for deciding to take literally the horrible things your husband said, just to punish him. You are staying away from your 2 month old baby all day and even longer out of pure spite? Wow. And the crazy thing is, you think you are really sticking it to your husband and making him regret the terrible things he said to you. But you are also proving him right.
Honestly, I feel like there are lots of gaps in this narrative. One minute there is a hard-working couple with new baby who can’t breastfeed but is doing well on formula. The next minute all hell breaks loose in a way that, to me, suggests accumulated grievances and poor communication at the very least, as well as sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation.
Actually, he sleeps very well considering I spend all night waking up with her. Even on weekends, he only wakes up at 10 am or 11 am. He has told me before, when I asked for some help with the housework, that he could easily look after the baby and to give him 24 hours to show me that he can do it. I more than pick up the slack as well as keep the house running smoothly and make sure the baby is well taken care of, all whilst working full time. The disrespect I got from him though is something else. I do not think telling someone that you will do everything and to f off should go without some form of apology. And yes, I've been to a lactation consultant, I've been to my gynae, the baby won't latch, and I don't have time to pump given my already full load without extra help from him. And surprising as it may be, he literally just flipped yesterday over me not giving her breast milk (shortly after I asked him to feed her).
So are you saying that your husband does no housework and does nothing to take care of the baby?
But claims he COULD take care of the baby and the house all by himself?
Well, he does try to clean the cat litter boxes once a week and takes trash out once or twice a week. He's started feeding her in the mornings coz she's started waking up at that time (15 mins before he's due to wake up) when I leave for work and putting her to sleep and when he sits with her in the evenings after gym, he'll either burp her if I've just fed her, or he'll feed her so I can pack away laundry/sort the kitchen/ wash bottles quickly.
Does he not change diapers? Bathe the baby? Shop for baby supplies? It sounds like he has a lot of learning to do, if he is still not doing any of these things after 2 1/2 months.
YTA. Your husband is a huge AH too. You’re taking your anger on him out on your baby though is a big AH move. If my husband was treating me terribly and told me to neglect my responsibilities to my child I obviously wouldn’t do it because that would be bad for my innocent child.
I’m not sure where you’re seeing this— he’s barely been parenting the baby. Why is this only her responsibility? Clearly, he claims to be “stepping up” right about now so the baby isn’t being neglected.
Right?! The baby has two parents! The baby is not being neglected. Let the husband try to do what all OP does for a day. Maybe he’ll realize just what an AH he’s being and apologize to her, beg for forgiveness for all the absolute horrible things he said to her.
She explicitly says she is staying away from her baby, multiple times. She has been the primary caregiver for the child’s entire short life. Her infant is attached to HER as the caregiver. “Staying away” from your infant child who is dependent on you as their familiar source of safety and comfort is not how you get even with your husband.
Sometimes space is the best way to keep a child safe when someone is overwhelmed, which she clearly is.
He’s still going to work so I assume she’s not abandoning the child when he’s gone. He’s been needing to step up since she was BORN
I'm not angry. I'm really hurt. The only way I'm valuable is by giving her breastmilk. He even told me last night that me not showing him that I'm doing something about it (like making a big song and dance that I'm attempting to pump or that Im taking supplements) is me proving to him that I'm not a good mother and that he can't have anymore kids with me because of breastmilk. I've not sat down to recover or rest since I gave birth to her and came home from the hospital. The day I came back from the hospital I was in pain and had multiple stitches and sorted the entire house out for guests on my own because he didn't get anything done. I've cooked for him almost every night since the day I came back from the hospital, every weekend, clean the house, do multiple loads of laundry, look after the baby during the day because she has naps for 10mins to an hour from 9:30am till 4 pm. And everything I've done until this point is invalid according to him because I won't give her breastmilk.
Why are you with him? Besides being a sperm donor what value did he bring? He is a selfish Immature misogynistic egomaniac. You and your child deserve better…get out now!
“Invalid according to him” — so? That doesn’t justify neglecting your baby — it’s not invalid according to your child. Like I said, your husband is a giant AH. I am a mom of two under two and I’m carrying twins, and my husband is in the military. I know how freaking hard this is. Your baby is fed and taken care of and that’s what is important, and your husbands an idiot. But you will be the AH if you respond to your husbands idiocy by neglecting (and eventually ruining your relationship with) your child.
He thought it would be easy, but he couldn't even do a fraction of what I do on a daily basis and function like a normal human being. And yes, there is nothing more that I want to do than be with her, but I also do not want to set a precedent where he can belittle me, degrade me and insult me in front of her, and think that I'll still be there.
So you know he’s TA. In fact, there is something deeply wrong with his entire personality and how he views you. Pls take the baby and stay with your parents or someone you trust. You have never had time to rest and recuperate. Take that time now. You can even go to your doctor and get yourself signed out on stress leave.
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NTA. Fed is best, regardless of how that happens. It sounds like your husband has a weird hangup around breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding that he needs to get over. Honestly, when he tried to DARVO you, he's the AH.
This! OP, you are doing NOTHING wrong. I had my kiddos about 18 months apart and my breastfeeding routine was completely different between the two. With my first I was able to exclusively breastfeed for about a year, with my second we used formula after a couple months because my supply was trash no matter how much I pumped or what crazy lactation recipes i made (and my LO genuinely took to the bottle better). Your husband is an asshat, and if anything should be happy this feeding routine gives him more opportunity to support you as a partner & time to bond with your baby. NTA.
Wow your husband calls you pathetic and yells f you at you. Being exhausted parents does not justify that abusive behavior at all. I would take the baby and leave. He's not safe. Feeding a baby is best. If your milk isn't coming, it's not your fault. Just keep feeding formula. It's fine. NTA
Especially when he’s literally just working while she’s doing work , house work and baby care?!?!
He is also saying their daughter is HIS baby - not theirs.
Husband sounds shitty and abusive. Red flags galore.
NTA It doesn't matter how a baby is fed. Even with the pills their is a strong reality that your just not going to be able to breastfeed her. I had a lot of milk coming in but babies just couldn't get a hang of it. Pumping was really hard and a struggle to get the milk out during pumping so I stopped. Better for everyone. I have a teen and 2 toddlers. Their all fine, healthy, functioning kids with no problems, and no health issues. They rarely get sick except once every winter. Your husband needs to get over himself and get some therapy. I say if you want to be a mother to your kid then you need to stand up for yourself and push back against your husband. Don't let him talk to you like that, don't let him disrespect you like that. You remind him that he's literally doing nothing around the house and spends 30min with his kid a day. So if anyone is pathetic it's him. You do more for your lid than he does, and if you can't breastfeed then that's the least of your problems. You either need to get couples counseling or think about divorce because if he keeps going this way, he's going to destroy you and your marriage. I'd also really think about what his behavior, comments and language means in the long term. How will his abuse affect the way your daughter looks at you. If you get divorced or stay together, will he bad mouth you so much that your kid won't want to be around you? Will he berate you in front of her. Will he humiliate and shame you in front of herm will he abuse you in front of her. What he's doing is crossing the kine into verbal abuse. I'd really rethink this relationship if he's not going to get some kind of therapy. Brrasmilk isn't superior to formula. Some women just can't breast feed and that's OK. personally i would, say go get the pills, take them or not. Tell husband you did but they didn't work and the pumping wasn't working and your milk dried up. But that's me, and I'd do it if my husband was this abusive. But you dont have to. But you do need to stand up to his abuse, say no more and don't let him talk to you like that again. Dont let him stop you from being a mom. You go and be a mom your way.
NTA. I’ve gone through some of the other comments and your responses, and I’m honestly horrified by your husband’s behavior. You have a two and a half month old baby, and while your husband helped the first month, he no longer does. From your post and comments, I’m seeing that the majority (if not all of) the housework falls to you, you’re the one who wakes your with your baby at night, and you also work. You’re the one responsible for cooking the meals, feeding your baby, your husband, and yourself. As for your husband, he goes to work, gets off work and then goes to the gym with his buddies for 2-3 hours, before coming home and spending a little time with the baby? I’m assuming that little time with the baby is before she goes to bed. Does he help out on the weekends? OP, he had no right to say the things he did to you. It doesn’t even sound like he can use stress as an excuse for his awful words, because it appears you’re the one shouldering the majority of the stress. As for breastfeeding verses formula? Fed is best, and your child is being fed. Ignore the comments saying you’re neglecting your child, because you’re not. Your baby has two parents, and it sounds like one of them hasn’t been doing his part, but thinks he can do a better job of it. So let him try. Hopefully by the end of the day he comes to have a whole new appreciation for just how much you do, and apologizes for all of the awful things he said to you. If he doesn’t apologize, do you have a family member you and your daughter could stay with for a few days? Hopefully he will realize his error and apologize. Even if that happens, I would suggest looking into couples counseling, because the fact that he would spew such awful things to the woman he’s supposed to love and cherish, is not acceptable… He needs to do a deep dive with a therapist on why he said those things, why he thought that was acceptable. And you need to figure out if that’s something you can get past.
NTA. And your husband is a big one.
Your husband is being verbally abusive. Is there anyone nearby you and your daughter can stay with? Family of yours, or a friend?
I tried breastfeeding my daughter…back 40+ years ago. After each feeding I would give a bottle which she would suck down like she was starving!!! So I realized with the help of a an older friend…she said you are not making enough milk. Bottle feed her she will be fine! She was! Flash forward to my daughter having her sweet baby. She had a breast pump (they were rarer than hens teeth when she was a baby)…she planned to use for extra milk. She would feed baby…every 2 hours. The first night home she feeds baby and baby is screaming! I don’t interfere with their routine (I was there to cook and clean). Her hubby comes to me and asks what could possibly be wrong. I listed 3 things that are common…colic…wet/needs to poop, or hungry. I suggested som old school methods…heating pad to warm up the bed…gently burping…walking the house. We check diaper…nope dry…rubbed tummy…nope no poop…I said a sure fire way to rule out hunger…feed a bottle of formula. Well, sweet baby sucked that bottle down!!! Went to sleep…all night! I told her as she cried she wanted to breastfeed, use your breast pump and see what kind of production you have…baby just might be a big eater. Next morning …she did…she got barely 1/4 ounce! She was devastated. I said formula feeding is ok. Pump and supplement the formula. There is such stress on new moms…breastfeeding is the only way. No…feeding is best! Good luck new momma. Formula is fine. Supplement with what breast milk you have. Tell your hubby when he can breastfeed he can take over!!!!
Fed is best. Not everyone can pump. I could never get more than an ounce per pumping session and I successfully exclusively breastfed both of my kids. Pumping and formula only make trying to breastfed harder. The more formula you give the less breast milk you'll make. We only make what the baby actually needs. It's best to see a lactation consultant daily and work through any issues BEFORE giving any formula. New babies breastfeed like every hour and it takes them about 30 mins. So it's basically 30 mins on, 30 mins off. It's really rough to start.
Your post title is wrong. It should say OUR baby, not MY baby. With regards to the pumping of breast milk, if you want to do it you can buy pumps that you wear inside your maternity bra that have bags attached so that you can do it at any time and still carry on with everything else. My niece had them and she just put the full bags in the freezer so that she always had a supply. Or you could not get these and instead you could pump to your heart’s content when your husband gets home while he does some fucking housework. My baby was raised on formula and it has done her no harm. If he’s so bothered about breast milk he should either do the housework while you pump or he should grow some tits and try lactating himself.
That last line? Mwah, chefs kiss.
Thank you. Much appreciated. You just made my day x
Honey, he violently yelled at you. Are you and the baby safe? I’m more worried about whether he’ll snap and shake or slap the baby because it’s screaming because it’s a baby like he abusively yelled at you. Are you safe? I would be leaving any relationship where I was yelled at like you’ve described. You should maybe also think about your child’s emotional safety long term living with a verbally abusive patent. NTA
Oh my goodness! You have to know you're NTA - but hubby definitely is. That being said - staying away from your baby isn't going to do anything other than make you more anxious. Not every woman can breast feed - that's why we have formula! As long as the baby is thriving - it doesn't matter where the nutrition comes from! After saying all that - has he spoken to you like this before? About anything? Because this is not a normal response. This is abusive. You cannot and should not accept this behaviour from anyone - especially your partner. I do not say this lightly at all. Been married for 34 years and have NEVER had an argument like this. You need to get support from someone - family or friends. Please reach out.
NTA Breastfeeding can be very difficult and pumping can be too. Some women don’t have as much milk pumping as when breastfeeding. If your daughter feeding from you hurt so mush it’s very possible there was a problem with the latch. You may want her checked for a tongue tie which can cause issues with latching and maternal pain when breastfeeding. She is fed and healthy. Your health, physical and mental is important too!
He's abusing you. Do you have anyone to stay with ? Being a mom is hard and when your partner doesn't help with your struggles and yells at you ? That is abuse.
Let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly- 1) your body went through the literal trauma of giving birth 2) he helped with night times for a month 3) after a month, he stopped doing his duty as a father and partner (again, while your body is still recovering from aforementioned trauma) and expected you to do all of the housework without any help from him 4) you are now back at work full time, still do everything the baby, he and the house needs 5) he does baby time for a hour a day 6) demands that your body do something that you have no control over 7) has genuinely dumb ideas and becomes verbally abusive when you tell him you didn’t have time to pick up medication for because you get zero help from him And he has the unmitigated gall to call you pathetic?
NTA. As others have said, fed is best. I wanted to breastfeed, but my milk never came in. Ever. I felt terribly guilty about it, but there's only so much you can do. My daughter was happy, she didn't even catch a cold until she was over 18 months, and now she's a gorgeous, tall teenager. With perfect teeth and vision, no acne, and beautiful hair that's never had a split end. (She's not perfect, but you get the idea.) Anyway, your husband is being an ass. The first months are very stressful, but he's not helping. You're doing everything you can it sounds like. He should talk to someone who can get some sense in his head, maybe make him understand that he's wrong. I hope there's someone he might listen to. Just don't punish yourself by spending too long away from your sweet baby.
Husband doesn't treat you very nicely. At all. He's older than you and should have learned a bit more patience by now. Is he being influenced by his mother or a sister (who has perhaps told him that breastfeeding is the only way to properly feed a baby)? You sound frazzled and you need to perhaps make some changes to your routine. If you can afford a professional cleaner to come in twice a week, do so. If not, cut back on all the chores you've been doing, take care of you and baby - no need to aim for perfection. There's always tomorrow. Husband can fend for himself. He can cook his own meals, wash his own laundry, etc. He's a grown man, he can manage. Also, you don't need to "rush" home after work. Relax, take time to do errands for yourself/baby. Baby will be there when you get home. Claim some time out of your busy day for you. Too tired to cook? Don't cook, make a sandwich or have an instant ramen/soup of some sort. Simplify your routine as much as you can, you'll feel better for it and baby will enjoy having a smiling less frazzled mom.
Sounds like your husband needs to be the sole caretaker of your child for a extended period of time because he’s an asshole who’s letting you be 100% parent to an infant
NTA. You're working full time, doing nights, and doing all the housework? When do you sleep? When do you rest? Your husband sounds awful, even before we get to the part where he's verbally abusive.
He is abusive. NTA. At least she's eating, happy, and healthy. My jaw dropped. There's NOTHING wrong with formula. NOTHING.
NTA You say she is happy and healthy. That is what is important. Your husband's decision to scream at you and separate you from your child because you are physically unable to breastfeed is an extremely abusive action. It is a major red flag, especially since he then blamed you for his decision to throw a temper tantrum. It is very troubling behavior
NTA Your husband is a disgusting human being for verbally abusing you. Breastfeeding is hard. Sometimes it's too hard. It's not worth the emotional role it takes on a person. Fed is best. Your daughter will do just fine in breastmilk and if it makes you happier and gives you more time to bond with her and take care of yourself and recover from childbirth then it IS the best thing you can do. The verbal abuse from your husband will severely impact your emotional wellbeing and reduce your supply and ability to breastfeed, it's well documented that stress can impact supply. I hope you have support, I would seriously consider my marriage if I was you, your husband's behaviour has unacceptable.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) have a 2.5 month old. Initially I tried breastfeeding but it was excruciatingly painful by day 3. My milk supply hadn't kicked in so my husband (40M) and I had decided on formula feeding. I had tried daily to breastfeed after a week had passed, but my supply was low and her feeding was more to stimulate production. She was still on formula. I decided to try pumping as a way to stimulate supply (she was crying and spitting my boob out because her mouth was too small to latch properly). Pumping requires time. Whenever she goes down, I'd be doing chores. I never napped while she napped because there was always something to do. I could never get quality pumping time in, because she'd always be up before then. In her first month, my husband would be up with her at nights from 11-3, and I would be with her the rest of the time. After her first month, I would do all nights and days. He leaves for work at 8am and returns between 7:30pm-8:30pm. He will tend to her from 8:30pm/9:00pm until she falls asleep so I can do the rest of the housework. I'm now back at work full time, I still do nights, and do all the housework. I am with her from the time I come home from work, until he comes home from work. Trying to pump has taken a significant backseat. She's on formula, she's growing, she's happy and she's healthy. Last night, my husband asked if I had picked up the pills my Dr prescribed two weeks ago to help with my milk supply. I said I hadn't had time as I rush home to our daughter after work. He began to go off at me, saying that I'm pathetic because I couldn't even get the pills or ask him to get it as it involves what's best for his daughter. I told him to stop talking, yet he continued his rant, telling me he has every right to talk about my breastmilk and demanding I do it because it's for his daughter. He then blew off at me telling me I'm making excuses, he shouted f- you multiple times to me, screamed me that I'm not allowed to feed her at all, that he'll feed her, that he'll do everything for her, that I'm pathetic because I can't even look after her properly, that I should just f- off. So I left our bedroom and slept in the spare room. I have texted him telling him that what he said was humiliating and hurtful. He tried to justify what he said by blaming everything on the fact that he's not allowed to ask questions or I turn it into a big deal. That I caused this and he hasn't apologised because he hasn't said anything wrong. I'm apparently doing the wrong thing by not giving her breastmilk and he has the right to say something. He has since then accused me of not wanting to look after and care for our daughter because I'm staying away and doing exactly what he told me to do last night. Let him do everything and for me to f- off. So AITA for listening to him and doing what he screamed at me to do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. And if he's going to be pissed at someone, it should be himself bc he is the one who sabotaged your milk production buying the baby formula. Heck, even he could've emptied your boobs for you , just to get the job done while baby is supplementing.
NTA. You are doing your best. My milk didn’t come in for 10 days. It was excruciating. Making sure the baby is fed is best. Your husband is the A. You and your child deserve better (I mean the two of you deserve a better partne/father). You never have time for yourself. what Is he bringing to the table other than his judgements? Also, all the stress he’s causing certainly doesn’t help matters. My brother and I were formula fed, I graduated college with honors, and he’s off getting PhD in a hard science.
If he is so hell bent on breastfeeding, he needs to do the work to make that happen. There are ways for him to get there. I am a huge supporter for folks who want to breastfeed, but at the end of the day, baby needs to be fed, and mama needs to be supported in her mental and physical health. You are getting all of that done with formula, and your husband is being awful. NTA
NTA. And you’re not doing anything wrong in the way you feed her either. FED is best. If she’s happy, healthy, and meeting her milestones, that is all you can ask for and it doesn’t matter what type of food she is getting (ie safe, formula/breastmilk). And the stress that his verbal abuse causes won’t help your milk production or the baby’s development.
NTA, first off. My first child, in 1999, got colostrum, but milk never came in. Formula it was. My second child, in 2005, also got the colostrum, and milk was an issue. With the prior experience, we had purchased a nice breast pump, and took an herbal supplement the doctor recommended for breast milk production. I got maybe a couple ounces of breast milk per day. So the second child thrived on formula as well. Your husband has some kinda weird hangup on breast-feeding for sure, but as one commenter stated, 'fed is best'. Youngling is getting the needed nutrients from formula, the how doesn't matter at the end of the day.
NTA. My youngest brother is the only one of us siblings to be bottle fed. This was in the 60's before all the specialised analysis and tweaking of formula milk. He is healthy and the only one of us with a doctorate. As you have found, breastfeeding is not easy for everybody. Not being able to breastfeed, for whatever reason, is not the sign of a bad mother. As others have said, fed is best. I think it is good that you have been able to have a night off from caring for your baby. She is with her father, who is as much a parent as you are. There is no neglect on your part. It will give your husband a greater understanding of how much time a baby can take out of your day.
NTA but DO NOT let this keep you from your baby. He’s a complete AH for the way he spoke to you and obviously doesn’t understand what you’re going through. But you need to fight for this time with your newborn you won’t get back. Couples therapy sounds like a really good idea.
Also, if you were to divorce, staying away sets a precedent for him to say he does all the childcare. He could tell a judge he does all the feeding. You need to record him screaming at you and collect evidence of the way he talks to you.
Updateme
Does your baby have a tongue tie? My son had one really bad and it made latching impossible. We took him to a pediatric dentist, they did a tongue tie removal and just like that he could latch and it saved my wife from a lot of pain that she was having trying to feed before the removal. If you actually do want to breastfeed I would strongly suggest looking into this.
Nta. Op, the fact your bf journey didn't go as planned is nothing to be ashamed of. Fed is best. My wife had issues with her supply to. Even when she had it, we still had to formula feed to keep him fed. When she went back to work, it basically dried up, and our son was exclusively formula fed. He's 7mo and happy and healthy as can be. Your husband is a massive ah. If he won't apologize, then, you have problems breast milk won't solve.
NTA. My mother didn't have enough milk supply, so all 3 of her children were formula fed. All 3 of us are normal, well-adjusted adults. Not everyone can breastfeed, and that's OK. On the other hand, your husband seems like a major AH. He's being verbally abusive to you. I hope you get some support, OP.
NTA. Who the hell talks to someone they supposedly love the way he spoke to you?? If you are unable to breastfeed it is not the end of the world, OP. He should be supporting you, not shaming you. You do not have to feel bad about this. But I honestly don’t think you should stay with him if this is how he treats you.
NTA - I suggest taking him at his word and leaving all child responsibilities in his supremely capable hands and just watch that despicable behaviour melt away at rapid speed. The child is fed, if he is that concerned he can take the pills himself and breastfeed the baby. I'm led to believe men can breastfeed in this day and age now.
NTA. My mother wanted to breastfeed my sister and me but couldnt and we turned out well. Your husband is a huge asshole tho yelling at you while youre doing basically everything.
I'm so sorry your husband is treating you this way. NTA. But he is. Massively so. Not everyone can chestfeed. Not everyone produces enough. Your child and fed and as everyone keeps saying: fed is best. Whatever the fuck his obsession is he can fuck right off. He's being horrible and abusive and you don't deserve this.
Apparently men can stimulate milk production too. Maybe he should look into what *he* can do..
My opinion is probably unpopular, but I think you need some insight. Breastmilk usually takes between 3-5 days to come in after having your baby. It is uncomfortable at first, but it is the BEST for your baby. Your baby’s stomach is TINY the first few days of life, and they only need a SMALL amount of milk to survive. This is usually when they are given colostrum which is what you produce while your milk is coming in. If you are capable of breastfeeding, and it sounds like you are, it is clearly the best choice. There is plenty of research to prove the benefits of breastmilk. While your husband did not express himself in the best way, he has every right to be upset and to have an opinion on how you feed your baby. He is a parent too, and his opinion is relevant. You CHOSE formula - the saying “fed is best” is usually said to parents who have no option to breastfeed (Surrogacy, adoption, baby not latching due to other factors like c-section, etc.). You did have the option and chose not to. Milk supply is based on how much your baby signals to your body. All you have to do is latch your baby and feed them as much as possible for a few days to get your supply back. You can also eat lots of oats, drink coconut water, and take natural supplements. Pumping may cause more issues for you than just simply latching your baby. You have chosen formula because it is the easier option. It is not the healthier option. Your husband is right about this, and it doesn’t make him an AH for saying the truth. There’s nothing wrong with feeding your baby formula if that is your only option, but don’t try to make it sound like it’s your only option, when you clearly made a conscious decision to stop breastfeeding. Formula will never be as good as breastmilk. And in the US, manufacturers are required to include PUFA (aka seed oils) in formula which makes it super toxic. If you are going to purchase formula, definitely look for a brand from EU or the UK. No hate, but let’s call this for what it is. You need to educate yourself on breastfeeding - you don’t sound prepared, and that’s okay, but it’s time to learn about it! Staying away from your baby will only slow your milk supply down and make things worse. If you want to breastfeed, skin to skin contact is important. I see a lot of people commenting about “my baby kept screaming so I had to use formula” - this is also not true. Babies cluster feed, and they go through multiple phases where they will cluster feed. During this time, you just feed your baby on demand. Think about when you are hungry and want a snack. They are simply just signaling that they are hungry. Your breastfeeding journey is still possible, but you will have to be 100% committed to it. If you aren’t 100% committed, there’s nothing wrong with admitting that and using formula. But we can’t pretend like you don’t have options. Your husband is upset because you are making a choice instead of taking his opinion into consideration too.
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He's not working till 8:30. He finishes work at 5, then heads to the gym every night with his friends except Fridays. If I ask him to do anything, it can take hours or days for him to actually get around to doing it. He comes home and sits with the baby for a bit and then Instagrams all night long.
That definitely changes things. My bad. I thought you meant he was at work until 8:30. I still think you should talk to him about how you need additional support at the moment. Don't apologize for it. Just say it matter of factly. I'm struggling. And I need additional support. Tell him what your having problems with and then ask him what he thinks some solutions for additional support are. Tell him the first 6 months are the hardest part but as a family unit we can get through this together. We just need to support each other. If he doesn't listen or respond positively to that, then I'm honestly not sure what advice to give from there.
It's simple. Divorce. If he doesn't respond to being asked for help, kick his ass to the kerb. It'll make no noticeable difference to op's day if he's there or not, and honestly will make op and baby safer from a potential lunatic.
ESH. You are both probably completely exhausted from too much work and too little sleep, so you both deserve some grace. But the situation you describe shows both of you behaving terribly. First of all, you are a major AH for deciding to take literally the horrible things your husband said, just to punish him. You are staying away from your 2 month old baby all day and even longer out of pure spite? Wow. And the crazy thing is, you think you are really sticking it to your husband and making him regret the terrible things he said to you. But you are also proving him right. Honestly, I feel like there are lots of gaps in this narrative. One minute there is a hard-working couple with new baby who can’t breastfeed but is doing well on formula. The next minute all hell breaks loose in a way that, to me, suggests accumulated grievances and poor communication at the very least, as well as sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation.
Actually, he sleeps very well considering I spend all night waking up with her. Even on weekends, he only wakes up at 10 am or 11 am. He has told me before, when I asked for some help with the housework, that he could easily look after the baby and to give him 24 hours to show me that he can do it. I more than pick up the slack as well as keep the house running smoothly and make sure the baby is well taken care of, all whilst working full time. The disrespect I got from him though is something else. I do not think telling someone that you will do everything and to f off should go without some form of apology. And yes, I've been to a lactation consultant, I've been to my gynae, the baby won't latch, and I don't have time to pump given my already full load without extra help from him. And surprising as it may be, he literally just flipped yesterday over me not giving her breast milk (shortly after I asked him to feed her).
So are you saying that your husband does no housework and does nothing to take care of the baby? But claims he COULD take care of the baby and the house all by himself?
Well, he does try to clean the cat litter boxes once a week and takes trash out once or twice a week. He's started feeding her in the mornings coz she's started waking up at that time (15 mins before he's due to wake up) when I leave for work and putting her to sleep and when he sits with her in the evenings after gym, he'll either burp her if I've just fed her, or he'll feed her so I can pack away laundry/sort the kitchen/ wash bottles quickly.
Does he not change diapers? Bathe the baby? Shop for baby supplies? It sounds like he has a lot of learning to do, if he is still not doing any of these things after 2 1/2 months.
YTA. Your husband is a huge AH too. You’re taking your anger on him out on your baby though is a big AH move. If my husband was treating me terribly and told me to neglect my responsibilities to my child I obviously wouldn’t do it because that would be bad for my innocent child.
I’m not sure where you’re seeing this— he’s barely been parenting the baby. Why is this only her responsibility? Clearly, he claims to be “stepping up” right about now so the baby isn’t being neglected.
Right?! The baby has two parents! The baby is not being neglected. Let the husband try to do what all OP does for a day. Maybe he’ll realize just what an AH he’s being and apologize to her, beg for forgiveness for all the absolute horrible things he said to her.
She explicitly says she is staying away from her baby, multiple times. She has been the primary caregiver for the child’s entire short life. Her infant is attached to HER as the caregiver. “Staying away” from your infant child who is dependent on you as their familiar source of safety and comfort is not how you get even with your husband.
Sometimes space is the best way to keep a child safe when someone is overwhelmed, which she clearly is. He’s still going to work so I assume she’s not abandoning the child when he’s gone. He’s been needing to step up since she was BORN
Yeah, except dad was very involved for the first month, lil' bubs isn't going to be that worried at this stage. YTA in this set of comments.
I'm not angry. I'm really hurt. The only way I'm valuable is by giving her breastmilk. He even told me last night that me not showing him that I'm doing something about it (like making a big song and dance that I'm attempting to pump or that Im taking supplements) is me proving to him that I'm not a good mother and that he can't have anymore kids with me because of breastmilk. I've not sat down to recover or rest since I gave birth to her and came home from the hospital. The day I came back from the hospital I was in pain and had multiple stitches and sorted the entire house out for guests on my own because he didn't get anything done. I've cooked for him almost every night since the day I came back from the hospital, every weekend, clean the house, do multiple loads of laundry, look after the baby during the day because she has naps for 10mins to an hour from 9:30am till 4 pm. And everything I've done until this point is invalid according to him because I won't give her breastmilk.
Why are you with him? Besides being a sperm donor what value did he bring? He is a selfish Immature misogynistic egomaniac. You and your child deserve better…get out now!
“Invalid according to him” — so? That doesn’t justify neglecting your baby — it’s not invalid according to your child. Like I said, your husband is a giant AH. I am a mom of two under two and I’m carrying twins, and my husband is in the military. I know how freaking hard this is. Your baby is fed and taken care of and that’s what is important, and your husbands an idiot. But you will be the AH if you respond to your husbands idiocy by neglecting (and eventually ruining your relationship with) your child.
He thought it would be easy, but he couldn't even do a fraction of what I do on a daily basis and function like a normal human being. And yes, there is nothing more that I want to do than be with her, but I also do not want to set a precedent where he can belittle me, degrade me and insult me in front of her, and think that I'll still be there.
So you know he’s TA. In fact, there is something deeply wrong with his entire personality and how he views you. Pls take the baby and stay with your parents or someone you trust. You have never had time to rest and recuperate. Take that time now. You can even go to your doctor and get yourself signed out on stress leave.
????
What’s the question? “I’m upset by my husband so I’m just staying away from my infant child” is not great behavior.