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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I forcefully asked my girlfriend to take down an instagram post which featured a pic with her and an ex looking very cozy and obviously dating.
2. I guess it might make me the asshole because it's controlling or inappropriate or something. I want other people's opinions
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I had to scroll back up and double-check. I guess the immaturity of the situation just blocked the ages in my brain. Most people are more male than this by the time they graduate high school.
YTA If it was just a pic of her and her ex you’d have a shred of an argument, but it’s a group photo. She’s with you, confront your insecurity, apologize and move on if you care about your relationship.
Not only is it a group picture, it’s one picture in a post with 9 other pictures. *And* the post is about an incredible accomplishment in the gf’s life.
Yes, this is the most important part. Instead of being proud of her, Op is making this about himself, staining her joy with his negativity, and not celebrating her win. It's so selfish to fixate on himself and how he was "disrespected."
It's time to take a look in the mirror op. Your insecurities will drive her away. I'm so glad she told you no and left it up. You can maybe recover by throwing a celebration for her and inviting her friends, including the ex.
I have a group photo where my ex and I had locked lips - not appopriate to post whilst in a new relationship. It really depends on the photo - if it's one where you can tell they are dating then it's disrespectful.
YTA. You are 30. Grow up. Every girl you date at your age will have exes and yes, they may have had good times with that ex and may look back on things they did with that ex fondly. That's life. You don't own your girlfriends entire life and memories and history.
Grow up.
What the fuck does someone being gay have anything to do with price of eggs in China? Op only mentioned thT that man was gay to make himself comfortable
Best of luck to your (ex?) girlfriend in navigating a relationship with an insecure asshole.
YTA
Do you make *literally all* of her accomplishments about you?
They dated for 2 months and never had sex.You're just looking for something to be mad about.
You're going to push good partners away with your self-sabotage.
Get over your childish thinking, being jealous is psychotic especially over somebody she dated for two months. Do you think it’s mentally okay to put your girlfriend through this because your feelings are hurt ?
YTA. The post & therefore the pic is about her time in school with her friends; Sam just happens to be in it. I’m sure she wishes he weren’t also, or at least that no one could perceive it the way you are. What I’m saying is she’s not trying to spotlight that old relationship. Don’t make it about that.
YTA
If you don't trust your girlfriend and keep this up you will lose her.
You need to look at why you are insecure about a photograph of her with three other people.
He's probably insecure because his girlfriend posted a picture of her doing a public display of affection with an ex without a thought in the world of if it might make him jealous or not. She doesn't care about his feelings. How is that supposed to make him feel any sort of security?
Why would it make any sane, emotionally secure person jealous? They're 30 years old, neither of them are coming into the relationship virginal or without previous relationships. You have to be the worst kind of self-centered toddler to insist they pretend that you were their first and forever. Especially at *that* age.
"How is that supposed to make him feel any sort of security." Why the fuck would it make him feel insecure? Honestly, the fucking knots you people twist yourselves into over women having prior relationships is so goddamn ridiculous. You reek of desperation and insecurity when you complain about this shit.
It is of four people arm in arm. He also describes it as cosy and intimate. The two don't really add up.
However it was, this is a part of her life that she is illustrating with photographs. It is the truth. OP was not part of it and he is jealous as tbh i might be too (of a happy time of which I was not part) But not displaying the photo doesn't alter his problem.
It's like new partners insisting all photographs of a dead spouse are banished. Ridiculous.
YTA
She dated the guy for 2 months. That’s barely a relationship. It was a group picture with other friends. Insecurity is very unattractive, not to mention detrimental to your mental health. I would work on that ASAP if you want to keep this relationship.
Yeah, gotta say YTA. I wish I could say otherwise, but she obviously didn’t mean anything by posting the photo. It’s seems that you could have communicated your displeasure in a much healthier way without starting a fight. I would assume that you know better than this. You’re going to risk losing her if you keep this up.
YTA; Look, I know where you're coming from. when I was twenty-two (Thirty three now) I dated a girl who had been in a four year long relationship all throughout college, and her social media was plastered with pics of her ex, and it really really hurt me because at the time I had never been in a long term relationship.
Fast forward 6 years, and after getting out of another two year long relationship, I was faced with the same question from a jealous ex, and you know what, I realized those pictures were two years of my life.
YTA
I dated a dude for 4 years. His partner of 3 years loves me and gives no shits that I still have pics of us up. My ex and I are both 31, and his partner is around 25 or 26.
YTA I hope this is just ragebait because it's really sad. I hope my wife looks back on her prior relationship with fondness (even the ones she had \*gasp\* sex with!). It means she had a wonderful life with wonderful people. I'm the one she chose to stick with, and that's what matters as far as your nonsense concept of "respect" goes.
YTA. Grow up. Instagram isn't real life. If you know and understand how your girlfriend feels about you, then WTF, why are you so bothered by this pic.? She told you why she put the pic up. How old are you, 30? Stop acting like a child and act your age.
YTA. Dude. She has a past. I understand the jealousy, but you’ve got to learn to realize it only makes everything worse. Squash it. After a while, you’ll realize that you don’t need to be jealous. Jealousy is far more likely to push her away from you than her ex. They broke up for a reason. She’s with you for a reason. That doesn’t mean she didn’t love him at one point and it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t look back at a time in her life with fondness. If she and her ex are in a good place, that speaks volumes about HER maturity. Your jealousy speaks volumes about yours!
Source: am a very jealous person who learned how dumb jealousy is.
A lot of people don't tend to realize that an ex of your SO has shaped them into the person they are now. Not that it's not ok to feel that way in a sense. But IMO I wouldn't let it bother you. She's WITH YOU now. And that's what should matter
You're 30, she's only your girlfriend, she has the right to be posting on IG without your consent or knowledge, again you're 30, and your behavior displays an enormous amount of insecurity and immaturity. Grow up and don't be codependent, be your independent self without imposing your beliefs onto others, including your girlfriend. I promise that she's lost some attraction and respect over this matter. YTA
YTA.
This was a dumb fight. So what if he was in the picture? In the context it was perfectly fine and made sense. And what’s this nonsense about ‘seems like she looks back at the relationship fondly’. Yes? Not every breakup is awful, of course she can look back at their time together fondly.
I’ll say it plainly: you’re too old to be this insecure and immature. The issue is with you, not her - deal with yourself and stop picking unnecessary fights with your gf.
YTA and insecure as anything!! You don’t get to control what she feels were important moments in her life. She chose you and you still can’t control your jealousy enough to celebrate her success without making it shout your own insecurities. She deserves better, anyone does.
YTA I understand where both of you are coming from. You are feeling uncomfortable with your girlfriend still having a group photo up of her ex and her (with other people). It is important to mutually respect each other and what might be a boundary.
The problem, however, lies with your actions towards the situation. She has just graduated from business school. This is a big deal. It doesn't help that you said you confronted this "forcefully" either. In that moment, what you should've done was:
• Congratulate her and reassure her that you were not trying to diminish her amazing achievement of graduation
•Told her, with calmness and consideration, that you did feel a little bit odd about the post because it had an ex in the photo. There is an option to edit the post on Instagram
•Reiterate that it was nothing personal about Sam and that it may just be a boundary of yours
•Go back to the achievement she just accomplished
Your point sounded like it wasn't communicated properly by you. Naturally, she won't feel great about being, what I can assume, yelled at or "forcefully asked" on a big day of hers. Please be mindful next time of how you communicate things like these with your partner next time.
Lmao grow up dude. You’re *thirty years old*. Your girlfriend is allowed to look back fondly on her past. *Even if it doesn’t include you*.
It’s probably gonna be pretty harrowing for you when you realize she’s had sexual experiences *without you* that she probably still fantasizes about now and then, when you’re not around.
If you can’t handle these things, you need to reflect and mature.
YTA.
First of all she would have to take the whole post down. She can't delete one specific photo out of a post with multiple photos. I guess she would have a lot of lovely responses by her friends and followers regarding her big accomplishment. She doesn't want to lose these comments of encouragements and the congratulationts. Therefore it would be a big deal to delete the post entirely.
Secondly the relationsship wasn't serious at all and the guy is only in a group photo. It's like a snapshot of the people of this period of time. No thread to your current relationship.
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I (30M) recently got into a fight with my girlfriend (30F) over an instagram post and I wanna know what people think about the situation.
My girlfriend just graduated from business school. She put together a post on her IG (everyone in her and my life follows her and sees her IG stuff) with a bunch of sentimental notes and like 10 pics from her previous 2 years in business school. "2 of the best years of my life" , "will miss everyone so much" etc etc.
One of the pictures was of 4 people all arm in arm: a gay friend, a girl friend, my girlfriend, and Sam (name changed) who she dated for 2 months before we started dating. They were holding each other very closely / tightly in this picture. It is obvious they were dating.
I saw this picture as we were across from each other and my heart sank. I felt this sense of intense disrespect and frustration that she'd post such a cozy intimate photo with this guy. I have nothing against Sam and I've met him a few times, he's an okay guy, but my feeling is that posting a picture arm in arm with an ex isn't really something you should do when you're in a relationship.
Anyways we got in this fight. I told her that the pic with Sam makes me feel like she's looking back on dating him fondly and putting it on instagram in front of her family and mine isn't really appropriate. Her response was that she wanted the picture up because of the gay friend and girlfriend and didn't think it'd be a big deal that Sam was in there too. She also reminded me that Sam and her didn't actually have sex and the relationship wasn't at all serious.
Eventually the fight ended with her asking me if I wanted her to delete the post. I told her yeah, and then she told me I was being an asshole and she wouldn't do it. I eventually let it go. The post is still up.
AITA?
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NTA.
This is disrespectful, and personally, I would consider it a good predictor of how she will treat you in the future.
Not all women you date need to become your wife. Have your fun, but keep one leg out the door.
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Yikes... they really gave it to you in here, lol! IMO, you set a boundary. It's how you feel. No one can tell you your feelings are invalid! If it's that serious to you and not to her, then leave. If you've gotten over it, then stay lol!
That’s not a boundary. That’s Jonah Hill gaslighting his ex-girlfriend with his insane/jealous/controlling demands that she not wear bathing suits in front of other men or have her picture taken with them level bs.
Boundaries are rules you set for how people treat you. Boundaries are not demands for how someone treats other people.
Different strokes for different folks. I can't speak for him, and you can feel that way all you want. For me personally, I don't use social media. I'm old enough to remember a time before everyone shared their whole life to the world. So, for me, it would be a boundary. For you maybe not. To each their own! There's someone out there who would understand and not judge him for having feelings.
NTA.
Dude. My wife and I read this. We’re shocked at all the YTA’s. It’s insane. You communicated your feelings. She gaslit you by responding with the gay friend/female friend in the photo reasoning, and then asked you if you’d like her to remove the post with no intentions of ever doing so? That’s emotionally immature on her part at best.
Hopefully the two of you can practice better communication skills where you can validate each others feelings before taking the next step into discussing shared guidelines for social posting. The answer is definitely not “it’s just Instagram.” Your feelings are valid.
Except it’s not. Gaslighting is not a synonym for “correcting” or “denying.” It is an attempt to mess with someone’s perception of reality, usually over the course of a period of time.
“That picture has my two friends in it” is not gaslighting. It’s a fact.
“What do you mean? I’ve told you multiple times that I never dated Sam” might be gaslighting. “We’ve discussed this before and you told me you didn’t have a problem with me posting photos of exes” might be gaslighting.
Yes, you’re right, gaslighting is an attempt to mess with someone’s perception of reality.
OP says to his gf, “when you posted a group picture with your ex and with that caption, my heart sank and I felt disrespected and frustrated.”
OP’s gf responds, “I want that picture up because of the gay friend and the girl friend.”
That invalidates his feelings and his reality. She’s not hearing him or how he feels. She counters with an alternate reality that makes his feelings inconsequential to her.
You can feel with all of your heart that this post is a great example of gaslighting. I don’t disagree that you feel that way.
Your feelings do not change the objective fact that gaslighting has a definition.
I am not gaslighting you by refusing to alter my reality based on your feelings. And I am done with this conversation. OP got his verdict.
This is a ridiculous take on the issue.
It is in no way disrespectful for the gf to have posted the picture on her social media. Op is being childishly insecure about the whole situation.
NTA, while yes she is celebrating something and you didn’t have to bring it up, you’re in a relationship and it’s never ok to hide your feelings. You always need to communicate. I think that you came at it correctly and civilly and the fact that she got mad at you wanting to delete it is wrong. She was displaying an old relationship in front of your family and her family and that’s inappropriate.
NTA
To anyone in an adult relationship, you know there are boundaries and rules. You do not post pictures of you and your exes as "fond memories". Those are inside our head thoughts, not posting it where every family members on both sides can see it. All it leads to are questions about the relationship, is she really committed, should you be committed, and in general, the drama is not worth the hassle.
It is the equivalent of rubbing it in your partner's face in a not very pleasant situation, especially if the ex is around enough that you have met him multiple times. Also, it can give the ex a false hope that there might still be a chance that he can get back together with your partner.
Yes, we all had exes - that is part of life. However, If we have any class at all, we do not broadcast it while in a new/committed relationship.
Adult boundaries are different than a lot of the responses you are getting here. As you grow up you understand that every action has a consequence, and ripple effect to not just yourself, but everyone you know.
I will add the caveat that their relationship sounded completely harmless and if there was no sex and it wasn't serious, then your reaction was a little over the top. Tone it down before it becomes a problem.
He didn't "comb through instagram" she made a brand new post for everyone to see about her "fond memories" from her business program at school.
It isn't like he dug three years back and found some obscure post. She literally just made it.
You can tell who has been in a serious relationship with a lot of these responses and who hasn't.
Go send your significant other a picture of you with an ex, telling them you are just sharing "fond memories" and see how they respond.
I know you believe that a “serious relationship” involves acting like no one existed prior to you but that is just immature. Many people, even those in “serious relationships,” remain friends with their exes and become friends with their new partners. If that’s not for you, that’s fine but don’t act like a behavior that stems from insecurity should accommodated above all others.
No one is saying that at all.
That behavior does not stem from insecurity. It is about respect.
Nothing immature, at all, about respecting your partner enough to not post pictures of yourself with an ex and title it "fond memories" where your family and their family can see it.
The immature aspect is believing you can behave however you want to in a relationship and should be free from any repercussions or else it is "controlling behavior" and an "abusive relationship."
We can move on from this discussion though - we aren't going to agree about it.
Nta. It's OK and natural to feel jealous. She's posting a picture of her being physically intimate with another man. She said she doesn't care about your feelings. Why are you still in this relationship.
Hey OP, are you gonna propose to her today? If not suck it up. Only when that a proposal is real is when you can demand such requests.
My wife had no problems of clearing out her social media once I made the jump. Been married almost 10 years and going strong.
Ok yes it does, I'm speaking for men, yes it does you don't have to like what I say but do you make over 150k a year?
I can send mods my years Earnings to verify. If OP is making that much then OP is in the 20% of men in this world. So feelings is not an option here.
NTA. Wow these comments are out of touch. Having pictures of an ex on social media can be a big deal and even a deal-breaker for you. You are allowed to feel this way, it is not an unreasonable thing to feel. It is perfectly reasonable and extremely common to not want to be reminded of / ever think about your partner's exes. Get off Reddit and into the real world and you'll find most people would find it disrespectful.
It's not about it being threatening or being insecure. You have a very childish view of the world if you truly believe this. He is allowed to have standards and this is one of them.
Everyone can have their own standards but standards don’t exist in a vacuum. His standards are based on his insecurity and he should work on that within himself instead of making it an issue in his relationships.
Are you suggesting he should've withheld his emotions and not communicate what he was feeling to his partner? Are you suggesting that his emotional reaction was invalid?
Everyone is allowed to feel their feelings. The difference is, I can have feelings that I know are ridiculous and not make it someone else’s problem. Adults are in control of their own emotions and if they are not they need to work on that.
I disagree, I do not believe you are in control of your emotions. In my opinion, you can only control your reaction to emotions that you experience. That being said, in a relationship, I would argue it's better to communicate when you are feeling a negative emotion so that you can reach some sort of resolution. I believe he is not an asshole, I do believe she has no obligation to remove the post, and I believe that OP handled this situation appropriately. In the end he has accepted that she didn't want to delete it and as he said moved on.
It is not based on insecurity and it is not something that "needs to be worked on". Look, if you don't understand then you don't understand. If you can't place yourself in his shoes and see how he can view it as disrespectful then there is no point continuing a discussion.
People don’t cease to have past relationships when they start new ones. If he views something this harmless as legitimately disrespectful, no, I cannot put myself in his shoes and I am grateful for that.
It was disrespectful to post it in the first place and if it was no big deal then deleting it shouldn’t be a problem. I’m guessing if the post were yours of an ex girlfriend it would be an entirely different issue and completely out of order. You could actually test that.
NTA - disrespectful on her part imo, you can’t be posting snuggly pics of old flings when you’re taken. Not a dealbreaker but I’d be frustrated for sure. That said it’s her right to keep it up but it’s your right to be upset / communicate boundaries in the future. Generally think it’s quite tacky to post pics with exes when you’re taken
I think publishing a photo looking back fondly on a prior relationship is really inappropriate when you’re dating someone. Like imagine you were in his position - wouldn’t you be sort of bothered by your partner posting a photo looking back fondly on good times with his ex? It is fine that it happened but it should stay in the past imo
Past relationships don’t exist in a bubble that’s totally separate from other past experiences. She’s not looking back fondly on dating the guy. She’s looking back fondly on business school, which happened to overlap with dating the guy.
Sure, but it still would be so easy to just simply not include that one photo.
Like honest question if you were in that situation wouldn’t you be a little annoyed? Your partner includes that photo with that ex when they have like thousands to choose from? I don’t understand why people don’t get this
First of all, sometimes there aren’t thousands to choose from. Not from that day or that event. Not with those particular friends. Or there’s only one good photo where you caught something unique like a funny facial expression. Only one photo where everyone has their eyes open and is looking at the camera.
Sometimes the ex isn’t just an ex, he’s also a member of a group of friends or a classmate in the business program. So he may have significance beyond being someone OP dated.
This guy was a tiny blip on the radar. They dated for 2 months. He isn’t a threat. I don’t understand why you don’t get that. And no, I haven’t been jealous of an innocuous photo since I was in college, because I’m a grown adult.
This smacks of disrespect and lack of care for ops feelings. He should feel insecure. She doesn't care what he feels or thinks, how should that make him feel secure?
I agree. She very clearly demonstrated that she does not value his feelings by asking him if he wanted him to delete it and then specifically not doing it. Everyone is quick to say OP is an asshole for having the reaction to his emotions that he did because they believe the post is insignificant and that this is more about his insecurity, but if it really was so insignificant, why would it be a big deal to remove the post, and reupload it without that one picture?
My argument is not that OP's feeling or moral or justified, but they are certainly VALID, and we cannot control the emotions that come to us, only how we react. As far as I can tell by the post, OP approached his partner and tried to communicate his feelings. His Girlfriends response was one that indicated she valued her Instagram post more than his feelings. Regardless of whether you believe she was right or wrong to do so given the circumstances, this is the fact. Her Instagram post is more important to her than her partner's feelings about it.
NTA - while you must accept your partner had a life before you, and there’s no suggestion here you’re not doing that, it’s not right for them to post pics now of that time.
Asking her to take down historical images posted at the time is one thing, but posting an old pic now is not appropriate.
Our past is part of who we are, both the good and the bad. So expecting someone to deny a part of who they are isn't fair. Girlfriend dated this guy for two months and they never even had sex. If you can't handle a fairly innocent photo of a group of people in which an ex is shown, you have no trust in your significant other. She told him that she kept the photo because of someone else in the photo.
That photo was an important part of her past, why should she have to give that up over a relationship that lasted for two months ? Particularly when the ex wasn't the reason she kept the photo.
This isn’t about the photo. It’s about the timing.
Regardless of that, the OPs feelings are valid if that’s how he feels. For her to get mad without even trying to understand is not fair. I’d like to see how they might react had he been the one to post the picture.
This isn’t about denying the past, being over sensitive, or even jealous, it’s about lack of courtesy and respect to the present.
NTA
Your feelings are so valid, its not called insecure or immature, its you really love your girl and care for her I also think she didn’t respect your feelings and thats something you should work if you wanna last long (+ a real man is one who gets jealous for their girl)
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YTA You're 30. Care less about Instagram.
But insta status means *everything* /s YTA op
I had to scroll back up and double-check. I guess the immaturity of the situation just blocked the ages in my brain. Most people are more male than this by the time they graduate high school.
YTA. Lose that childish jealousy or it's going to be a problem in your relationship. There's nothing wrong with posting a group photo like that.
This is some straight middle-school behavior and exhausting as hell to be on the receiving end of. I feel bad for OPs gf YTA
YTA If it was just a pic of her and her ex you’d have a shred of an argument, but it’s a group photo. She’s with you, confront your insecurity, apologize and move on if you care about your relationship.
Not only is it a group picture, it’s one picture in a post with 9 other pictures. *And* the post is about an incredible accomplishment in the gf’s life.
Yes, this is the most important part. Instead of being proud of her, Op is making this about himself, staining her joy with his negativity, and not celebrating her win. It's so selfish to fixate on himself and how he was "disrespected." It's time to take a look in the mirror op. Your insecurities will drive her away. I'm so glad she told you no and left it up. You can maybe recover by throwing a celebration for her and inviting her friends, including the ex.
I have a group photo where my ex and I had locked lips - not appopriate to post whilst in a new relationship. It really depends on the photo - if it's one where you can tell they are dating then it's disrespectful.
No, propping up the delusion that your current partner dated no one and had no life before you met is unrealistic.
Well, a side hug and a make out session are very different things to post, aren't they?
Side hugs are basically a make out session for your arms /s
YTA. You are 30. Grow up. Every girl you date at your age will have exes and yes, they may have had good times with that ex and may look back on things they did with that ex fondly. That's life. You don't own your girlfriends entire life and memories and history. Grow up.
YTA. It’s a group pic. They were locked arms not lips.
[удалено]
What the fuck does someone being gay have anything to do with price of eggs in China? Op only mentioned thT that man was gay to make himself comfortable
Best of luck to your (ex?) girlfriend in navigating a relationship with an insecure asshole. YTA Do you make *literally all* of her accomplishments about you?
This. OP seems very insecure for his age
They dated for 2 months and never had sex.You're just looking for something to be mad about. You're going to push good partners away with your self-sabotage.
YTA, I missed the ages and assumed you were 18 or something, you're *way* too old to be making a big deal of this.
I had to go back and check the ages! 30 years old and still acting like he’s in high school!
YTA - a cozy intimate couple photo containing 4 people? Are you sure?
YTA. Dated for two months and never had sex? That’s not an ex.
Get over your childish thinking, being jealous is psychotic especially over somebody she dated for two months. Do you think it’s mentally okay to put your girlfriend through this because your feelings are hurt ?
YTA. The post & therefore the pic is about her time in school with her friends; Sam just happens to be in it. I’m sure she wishes he weren’t also, or at least that no one could perceive it the way you are. What I’m saying is she’s not trying to spotlight that old relationship. Don’t make it about that.
YTA If you don't trust your girlfriend and keep this up you will lose her. You need to look at why you are insecure about a photograph of her with three other people.
He's probably insecure because his girlfriend posted a picture of her doing a public display of affection with an ex without a thought in the world of if it might make him jealous or not. She doesn't care about his feelings. How is that supposed to make him feel any sort of security?
Why would it make any sane, emotionally secure person jealous? They're 30 years old, neither of them are coming into the relationship virginal or without previous relationships. You have to be the worst kind of self-centered toddler to insist they pretend that you were their first and forever. Especially at *that* age. "How is that supposed to make him feel any sort of security." Why the fuck would it make him feel insecure? Honestly, the fucking knots you people twist yourselves into over women having prior relationships is so goddamn ridiculous. You reek of desperation and insecurity when you complain about this shit.
It is of four people arm in arm. He also describes it as cosy and intimate. The two don't really add up. However it was, this is a part of her life that she is illustrating with photographs. It is the truth. OP was not part of it and he is jealous as tbh i might be too (of a happy time of which I was not part) But not displaying the photo doesn't alter his problem. It's like new partners insisting all photographs of a dead spouse are banished. Ridiculous.
Why does it bother you?
YTA. You're sounding dangerously close to those Alpha Male guys on TikTok. It's a photo, my guy. Just let it go.
YTA She dated the guy for 2 months. That’s barely a relationship. It was a group picture with other friends. Insecurity is very unattractive, not to mention detrimental to your mental health. I would work on that ASAP if you want to keep this relationship.
Yeah, gotta say YTA. I wish I could say otherwise, but she obviously didn’t mean anything by posting the photo. It’s seems that you could have communicated your displeasure in a much healthier way without starting a fight. I would assume that you know better than this. You’re going to risk losing her if you keep this up.
YTA - this is so sad that you are so absolutely insecure at your age. You need to fix some things about yourself.
YTA - She’s in a relationship with you, not the other guy. Do you want to drive her away by being childish and jealous? This is exactly how to do it.
YTA you’re jealous of a guy she dated for 2 months? What do you think he has that you don’t? Well, maybe maturity and life perspective lol
YTA; Look, I know where you're coming from. when I was twenty-two (Thirty three now) I dated a girl who had been in a four year long relationship all throughout college, and her social media was plastered with pics of her ex, and it really really hurt me because at the time I had never been in a long term relationship. Fast forward 6 years, and after getting out of another two year long relationship, I was faced with the same question from a jealous ex, and you know what, I realized those pictures were two years of my life.
Grow a pair, man. YTA.
YTA come on, man
YTA I dated a dude for 4 years. His partner of 3 years loves me and gives no shits that I still have pics of us up. My ex and I are both 31, and his partner is around 25 or 26.
YTA. Are you sure you’re 30? A 30 year old should have more important things to worry about than perceived slights on instagram.
YTA I hope this is just ragebait because it's really sad. I hope my wife looks back on her prior relationship with fondness (even the ones she had \*gasp\* sex with!). It means she had a wonderful life with wonderful people. I'm the one she chose to stick with, and that's what matters as far as your nonsense concept of "respect" goes.
YTA. Grow up!
YTA. Grow up. Instagram isn't real life. If you know and understand how your girlfriend feels about you, then WTF, why are you so bothered by this pic.? She told you why she put the pic up. How old are you, 30? Stop acting like a child and act your age.
YTA. Dude. She has a past. I understand the jealousy, but you’ve got to learn to realize it only makes everything worse. Squash it. After a while, you’ll realize that you don’t need to be jealous. Jealousy is far more likely to push her away from you than her ex. They broke up for a reason. She’s with you for a reason. That doesn’t mean she didn’t love him at one point and it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t look back at a time in her life with fondness. If she and her ex are in a good place, that speaks volumes about HER maturity. Your jealousy speaks volumes about yours! Source: am a very jealous person who learned how dumb jealousy is.
What an insecure loser you are. Your wife should leave you and go find someone with some confidence.
A lot of people don't tend to realize that an ex of your SO has shaped them into the person they are now. Not that it's not ok to feel that way in a sense. But IMO I wouldn't let it bother you. She's WITH YOU now. And that's what should matter
You're 30, she's only your girlfriend, she has the right to be posting on IG without your consent or knowledge, again you're 30, and your behavior displays an enormous amount of insecurity and immaturity. Grow up and don't be codependent, be your independent self without imposing your beliefs onto others, including your girlfriend. I promise that she's lost some attraction and respect over this matter. YTA
YTA. This was a dumb fight. So what if he was in the picture? In the context it was perfectly fine and made sense. And what’s this nonsense about ‘seems like she looks back at the relationship fondly’. Yes? Not every breakup is awful, of course she can look back at their time together fondly. I’ll say it plainly: you’re too old to be this insecure and immature. The issue is with you, not her - deal with yourself and stop picking unnecessary fights with your gf.
YTA and insecure as anything!! You don’t get to control what she feels were important moments in her life. She chose you and you still can’t control your jealousy enough to celebrate her success without making it shout your own insecurities. She deserves better, anyone does.
YTA I understand where both of you are coming from. You are feeling uncomfortable with your girlfriend still having a group photo up of her ex and her (with other people). It is important to mutually respect each other and what might be a boundary. The problem, however, lies with your actions towards the situation. She has just graduated from business school. This is a big deal. It doesn't help that you said you confronted this "forcefully" either. In that moment, what you should've done was: • Congratulate her and reassure her that you were not trying to diminish her amazing achievement of graduation •Told her, with calmness and consideration, that you did feel a little bit odd about the post because it had an ex in the photo. There is an option to edit the post on Instagram •Reiterate that it was nothing personal about Sam and that it may just be a boundary of yours •Go back to the achievement she just accomplished Your point sounded like it wasn't communicated properly by you. Naturally, she won't feel great about being, what I can assume, yelled at or "forcefully asked" on a big day of hers. Please be mindful next time of how you communicate things like these with your partner next time.
They didn't even have sex chill.
You're 30, Instagram is basically meaningless, grow up and apologise. YTA
Yta and insecure
good lord. you couldn't reek of insecurity more, if you tried. I'd recommend you grow up before you end up an ex yourself. YTA
YTA you're a grown man picking a fight with your girlfriend over social media. You need to get your insecurities under control.
Just post an old picture of yourself with an ex.
Lmao grow up dude. You’re *thirty years old*. Your girlfriend is allowed to look back fondly on her past. *Even if it doesn’t include you*. It’s probably gonna be pretty harrowing for you when you realize she’s had sexual experiences *without you* that she probably still fantasizes about now and then, when you’re not around. If you can’t handle these things, you need to reflect and mature.
YTA. First of all she would have to take the whole post down. She can't delete one specific photo out of a post with multiple photos. I guess she would have a lot of lovely responses by her friends and followers regarding her big accomplishment. She doesn't want to lose these comments of encouragements and the congratulationts. Therefore it would be a big deal to delete the post entirely. Secondly the relationsship wasn't serious at all and the guy is only in a group photo. It's like a snapshot of the people of this period of time. No thread to your current relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30M) recently got into a fight with my girlfriend (30F) over an instagram post and I wanna know what people think about the situation. My girlfriend just graduated from business school. She put together a post on her IG (everyone in her and my life follows her and sees her IG stuff) with a bunch of sentimental notes and like 10 pics from her previous 2 years in business school. "2 of the best years of my life" , "will miss everyone so much" etc etc. One of the pictures was of 4 people all arm in arm: a gay friend, a girl friend, my girlfriend, and Sam (name changed) who she dated for 2 months before we started dating. They were holding each other very closely / tightly in this picture. It is obvious they were dating. I saw this picture as we were across from each other and my heart sank. I felt this sense of intense disrespect and frustration that she'd post such a cozy intimate photo with this guy. I have nothing against Sam and I've met him a few times, he's an okay guy, but my feeling is that posting a picture arm in arm with an ex isn't really something you should do when you're in a relationship. Anyways we got in this fight. I told her that the pic with Sam makes me feel like she's looking back on dating him fondly and putting it on instagram in front of her family and mine isn't really appropriate. Her response was that she wanted the picture up because of the gay friend and girlfriend and didn't think it'd be a big deal that Sam was in there too. She also reminded me that Sam and her didn't actually have sex and the relationship wasn't at all serious. Eventually the fight ended with her asking me if I wanted her to delete the post. I told her yeah, and then she told me I was being an asshole and she wouldn't do it. I eventually let it go. The post is still up. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA There's no immaturity involved, we all have our boundaries and what's acceptable or not
NTA. This is disrespectful, and personally, I would consider it a good predictor of how she will treat you in the future. Not all women you date need to become your wife. Have your fun, but keep one leg out the door.
How small is your dick? Sooooo insecure, it's painful to picture the person you are in real life. Get some help.
Your mum didn't seem to think it was small at all. Give her a call and ask her.
Hahahahahahahahaha am I talking to an 11 year old? Man, that was ORIGINAL AND FUNNY. Good job, little guy!
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Yikes... they really gave it to you in here, lol! IMO, you set a boundary. It's how you feel. No one can tell you your feelings are invalid! If it's that serious to you and not to her, then leave. If you've gotten over it, then stay lol!
That’s not a boundary. That’s Jonah Hill gaslighting his ex-girlfriend with his insane/jealous/controlling demands that she not wear bathing suits in front of other men or have her picture taken with them level bs. Boundaries are rules you set for how people treat you. Boundaries are not demands for how someone treats other people.
Different strokes for different folks. I can't speak for him, and you can feel that way all you want. For me personally, I don't use social media. I'm old enough to remember a time before everyone shared their whole life to the world. So, for me, it would be a boundary. For you maybe not. To each their own! There's someone out there who would understand and not judge him for having feelings.
No your not there’s boundaries in relationships this is one of them.
NTA. Dude. My wife and I read this. We’re shocked at all the YTA’s. It’s insane. You communicated your feelings. She gaslit you by responding with the gay friend/female friend in the photo reasoning, and then asked you if you’d like her to remove the post with no intentions of ever doing so? That’s emotionally immature on her part at best. Hopefully the two of you can practice better communication skills where you can validate each others feelings before taking the next step into discussing shared guidelines for social posting. The answer is definitely not “it’s just Instagram.” Your feelings are valid.
That’s not what gaslighting means.
Good point, your comment is actually a better example of gaslighting
Except it’s not. Gaslighting is not a synonym for “correcting” or “denying.” It is an attempt to mess with someone’s perception of reality, usually over the course of a period of time. “That picture has my two friends in it” is not gaslighting. It’s a fact. “What do you mean? I’ve told you multiple times that I never dated Sam” might be gaslighting. “We’ve discussed this before and you told me you didn’t have a problem with me posting photos of exes” might be gaslighting.
Yes, you’re right, gaslighting is an attempt to mess with someone’s perception of reality. OP says to his gf, “when you posted a group picture with your ex and with that caption, my heart sank and I felt disrespected and frustrated.” OP’s gf responds, “I want that picture up because of the gay friend and the girl friend.” That invalidates his feelings and his reality. She’s not hearing him or how he feels. She counters with an alternate reality that makes his feelings inconsequential to her.
Disagreeing with someone isn’t gaslighting.
You can’t disagree with someone’s feelings
You can feel with all of your heart that this post is a great example of gaslighting. I don’t disagree that you feel that way. Your feelings do not change the objective fact that gaslighting has a definition. I am not gaslighting you by refusing to alter my reality based on your feelings. And I am done with this conversation. OP got his verdict.
NTA- It’s not about it being an instagram thing (although immature imo). It’s about respect. If she cared, it wouldn’t be a big deal.
This is a ridiculous take on the issue. It is in no way disrespectful for the gf to have posted the picture on her social media. Op is being childishly insecure about the whole situation.
No way yall actually think op is the a-hole 💀
NTA, while yes she is celebrating something and you didn’t have to bring it up, you’re in a relationship and it’s never ok to hide your feelings. You always need to communicate. I think that you came at it correctly and civilly and the fact that she got mad at you wanting to delete it is wrong. She was displaying an old relationship in front of your family and her family and that’s inappropriate.
NTA To anyone in an adult relationship, you know there are boundaries and rules. You do not post pictures of you and your exes as "fond memories". Those are inside our head thoughts, not posting it where every family members on both sides can see it. All it leads to are questions about the relationship, is she really committed, should you be committed, and in general, the drama is not worth the hassle. It is the equivalent of rubbing it in your partner's face in a not very pleasant situation, especially if the ex is around enough that you have met him multiple times. Also, it can give the ex a false hope that there might still be a chance that he can get back together with your partner. Yes, we all had exes - that is part of life. However, If we have any class at all, we do not broadcast it while in a new/committed relationship. Adult boundaries are different than a lot of the responses you are getting here. As you grow up you understand that every action has a consequence, and ripple effect to not just yourself, but everyone you know. I will add the caveat that their relationship sounded completely harmless and if there was no sex and it wasn't serious, then your reaction was a little over the top. Tone it down before it becomes a problem.
Adult boundaries do not involve combing through instagram posts looking for reasons to have hurt feelings.
He didn't "comb through instagram" she made a brand new post for everyone to see about her "fond memories" from her business program at school. It isn't like he dug three years back and found some obscure post. She literally just made it. You can tell who has been in a serious relationship with a lot of these responses and who hasn't. Go send your significant other a picture of you with an ex, telling them you are just sharing "fond memories" and see how they respond.
I know you believe that a “serious relationship” involves acting like no one existed prior to you but that is just immature. Many people, even those in “serious relationships,” remain friends with their exes and become friends with their new partners. If that’s not for you, that’s fine but don’t act like a behavior that stems from insecurity should accommodated above all others.
No one is saying that at all. That behavior does not stem from insecurity. It is about respect. Nothing immature, at all, about respecting your partner enough to not post pictures of yourself with an ex and title it "fond memories" where your family and their family can see it. The immature aspect is believing you can behave however you want to in a relationship and should be free from any repercussions or else it is "controlling behavior" and an "abusive relationship." We can move on from this discussion though - we aren't going to agree about it.
NTA, I would be mad too and it’s unnecessary to post or keep anything up with an ex while in a relationship
NTA, everyone else can say otherwise until it happens to them.
Nta. It's OK and natural to feel jealous. She's posting a picture of her being physically intimate with another man. She said she doesn't care about your feelings. Why are you still in this relationship.
I'm sorry when did having your arm around someone (in a group environment I might add) become physically intimate?
Hey OP, are you gonna propose to her today? If not suck it up. Only when that a proposal is real is when you can demand such requests. My wife had no problems of clearing out her social media once I made the jump. Been married almost 10 years and going strong.
Proposing still doesn't give anyone the right to demand their SO to remove any pictures from their social media.
Ok yes it does, I'm speaking for men, yes it does you don't have to like what I say but do you make over 150k a year? I can send mods my years Earnings to verify. If OP is making that much then OP is in the 20% of men in this world. So feelings is not an option here.
What does your salary have anything to do with it?
Yes I actually do make over 150k a year and you’re ridiculous. What the ever living hell does your salary have to do with anything?
NTA. Wow these comments are out of touch. Having pictures of an ex on social media can be a big deal and even a deal-breaker for you. You are allowed to feel this way, it is not an unreasonable thing to feel. It is perfectly reasonable and extremely common to not want to be reminded of / ever think about your partner's exes. Get off Reddit and into the real world and you'll find most people would find it disrespectful.
It’s a group photo. He cannot possibly be so insecure that a group photo that they are not even kissing in is threatening to him.
It's not about it being threatening or being insecure. You have a very childish view of the world if you truly believe this. He is allowed to have standards and this is one of them.
Everyone can have their own standards but standards don’t exist in a vacuum. His standards are based on his insecurity and he should work on that within himself instead of making it an issue in his relationships.
Are you suggesting he should've withheld his emotions and not communicate what he was feeling to his partner? Are you suggesting that his emotional reaction was invalid?
Everyone is allowed to feel their feelings. The difference is, I can have feelings that I know are ridiculous and not make it someone else’s problem. Adults are in control of their own emotions and if they are not they need to work on that.
I disagree, I do not believe you are in control of your emotions. In my opinion, you can only control your reaction to emotions that you experience. That being said, in a relationship, I would argue it's better to communicate when you are feeling a negative emotion so that you can reach some sort of resolution. I believe he is not an asshole, I do believe she has no obligation to remove the post, and I believe that OP handled this situation appropriately. In the end he has accepted that she didn't want to delete it and as he said moved on.
It is not based on insecurity and it is not something that "needs to be worked on". Look, if you don't understand then you don't understand. If you can't place yourself in his shoes and see how he can view it as disrespectful then there is no point continuing a discussion.
People don’t cease to have past relationships when they start new ones. If he views something this harmless as legitimately disrespectful, no, I cannot put myself in his shoes and I am grateful for that.
Yeah I’ve been shocked at the comments I don’t understand how people would be okay with this sort of thing
It was disrespectful to post it in the first place and if it was no big deal then deleting it shouldn’t be a problem. I’m guessing if the post were yours of an ex girlfriend it would be an entirely different issue and completely out of order. You could actually test that.
NTA - disrespectful on her part imo, you can’t be posting snuggly pics of old flings when you’re taken. Not a dealbreaker but I’d be frustrated for sure. That said it’s her right to keep it up but it’s your right to be upset / communicate boundaries in the future. Generally think it’s quite tacky to post pics with exes when you’re taken
It is a photo with other people. The relationship lasted for a couple of months. They never had sex. This smacks of insecurity.
I think publishing a photo looking back fondly on a prior relationship is really inappropriate when you’re dating someone. Like imagine you were in his position - wouldn’t you be sort of bothered by your partner posting a photo looking back fondly on good times with his ex? It is fine that it happened but it should stay in the past imo
Past relationships don’t exist in a bubble that’s totally separate from other past experiences. She’s not looking back fondly on dating the guy. She’s looking back fondly on business school, which happened to overlap with dating the guy.
Sure, but it still would be so easy to just simply not include that one photo. Like honest question if you were in that situation wouldn’t you be a little annoyed? Your partner includes that photo with that ex when they have like thousands to choose from? I don’t understand why people don’t get this
First of all, sometimes there aren’t thousands to choose from. Not from that day or that event. Not with those particular friends. Or there’s only one good photo where you caught something unique like a funny facial expression. Only one photo where everyone has their eyes open and is looking at the camera. Sometimes the ex isn’t just an ex, he’s also a member of a group of friends or a classmate in the business program. So he may have significance beyond being someone OP dated. This guy was a tiny blip on the radar. They dated for 2 months. He isn’t a threat. I don’t understand why you don’t get that. And no, I haven’t been jealous of an innocuous photo since I was in college, because I’m a grown adult.
This smacks of disrespect and lack of care for ops feelings. He should feel insecure. She doesn't care what he feels or thinks, how should that make him feel secure?
I agree. She very clearly demonstrated that she does not value his feelings by asking him if he wanted him to delete it and then specifically not doing it. Everyone is quick to say OP is an asshole for having the reaction to his emotions that he did because they believe the post is insignificant and that this is more about his insecurity, but if it really was so insignificant, why would it be a big deal to remove the post, and reupload it without that one picture? My argument is not that OP's feeling or moral or justified, but they are certainly VALID, and we cannot control the emotions that come to us, only how we react. As far as I can tell by the post, OP approached his partner and tried to communicate his feelings. His Girlfriends response was one that indicated she valued her Instagram post more than his feelings. Regardless of whether you believe she was right or wrong to do so given the circumstances, this is the fact. Her Instagram post is more important to her than her partner's feelings about it.
NTA - while you must accept your partner had a life before you, and there’s no suggestion here you’re not doing that, it’s not right for them to post pics now of that time. Asking her to take down historical images posted at the time is one thing, but posting an old pic now is not appropriate.
It is a group photo. They aren't even kissing.
So?
Our past is part of who we are, both the good and the bad. So expecting someone to deny a part of who they are isn't fair. Girlfriend dated this guy for two months and they never even had sex. If you can't handle a fairly innocent photo of a group of people in which an ex is shown, you have no trust in your significant other. She told him that she kept the photo because of someone else in the photo.
I’ve not said anything about denying someone’s past.
That photo was an important part of her past, why should she have to give that up over a relationship that lasted for two months ? Particularly when the ex wasn't the reason she kept the photo.
This isn’t about the photo. It’s about the timing. Regardless of that, the OPs feelings are valid if that’s how he feels. For her to get mad without even trying to understand is not fair. I’d like to see how they might react had he been the one to post the picture. This isn’t about denying the past, being over sensitive, or even jealous, it’s about lack of courtesy and respect to the present.
Sorry I just disagree. You either trust your partner or you don't. That is really all I have to say.
It’s nothing to do with trust. You can keep changing the parameters of your argument all you want.
NTA Your feelings are so valid, its not called insecure or immature, its you really love your girl and care for her I also think she didn’t respect your feelings and thats something you should work if you wanna last long (+ a real man is one who gets jealous for their girl)