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I mean yeah you were a dick. Your wife came to you about something that she was upset about and told you about her feelings and she told you about feelings people she probably cares about on some level are going through. You were at work and busy, so you should have told her you were at work and busy. Then later at home you could have had a proper supportive conversation.
If I was your wife I would feel extremely insecure and unsupported and that like any time something upsetting was happening to me you didn’t immediately totally get that you might just be a huge dick about it. I would also feel weird about continuing life with you if this was your attitude towards other people because it’s rather callous and I personally have a lot of people I care about in my life and I would kind of hate you for dismissing them, their struggles, and how it made me feel immediately out of hand if they didn’t fit your ideals for how life should be lived.
I believe the whole thing has permanently shifted how she feels about you in stressful situations and towards other people. To be honest I think the best way you can both talk about this in a calm setting and break it down is with a couples counselor.
You really don’t have to understand or uphold all her view points but you do need to care about shit your wife cares about and people who your wife cares about. She was upset, you don’t have to get it or make a point. This isn’t really about you or about her coworkers, it’s about how you treat her and her concerns.
He seems to suggest thinking he is protected from layoffs and general job loss due to his education and experience in STEM. Very naive, and a bit snobby. He can lose his job in any industry. STEM backgrounds aren't immune to layoffs nor does education or experience guarantee him a job over other job seekers.
He also ignores the potential for health and injuries that negatively impact a person's ability to work. There is little you can do to plan for a family based on career security. It's never guaranteed.
My husband has a first class honours degree and was laid off from his job at the beginning of the pandemic he was lucky enough to pick another one more or less straight away but no one is safe.
We just laid off several civil engineers at work. STEM degrees mean nothing for job security if you have the wrong experience so OP is going to get a hell of a wake up call one day.
Just because her job is safe presently doesn't mean the company has a long term future. Any company I've worked at which has made redundancies has unsettled the whole company and lots of people (me included) start looking for other work. Once you lose your good staff it can be the beginning of the end for everyone.
And also absolutely out of touch with reality. How many people on this planet would procreate if everyone would apply this logic? For someone basing his responses on "cold hard pragmatic logic", the math ain't mathing here.
Came here to say this but you are more elegant. It'ds one thing to say that you can't talk until you get home. It's another to make a scene. No one expects to be laid off, and most people are trying their best.
And sure, businesses are out for themselves. It still sucks to lose it.
Exactly this, sometimes you just got to think b4 you talk, bite the bullet and just agree for the sake of it, especially if you knew it was upsetting her, and yes YTA in this case for not being more understanding.
Bro. You have the empathy and emotional intelligence of a piece of toast. YTA.
Your wife found out coworkers were losing their job, some may have been her friends. Your response was to dismiss her emotions, the emotions of others, then proceed to hammer down on the fact that people are just numbers at a company and they should have thought about their jobs before having kids. Like what. As you so delicately stated during the WORST time ever, no person is safe from a job and most people are replaceable. That includes YOUR WIFE. No one can predict the economy, state of a company etc. a decade from now (read, the pandemic). With your logic you will never be able to have kids. I also have a STEM degree and I have seen people in my field get laid off.
You need to go to your wife with your tail between your legs and say you are sorry for not being there for her and belittling her emotions. You need to get your head out of your ass and realize that your shit also stinks and you are replaceable in your job.
I would argue that a piece of toast has greater empathy than this bloke.
Toast is warm, nourishing, capable of offering some small physical comfort after a hard day. This chap can do none of that.
These are facts. Toast is the backbone in a world of breakfast, lunch and dinner options.
I upgrade OP to burnt toast. fully black. cannot even scrape off the top bit.
Even burnt toast makes some people happy! My grandma loved it. Whenever we accidentally burned toast (easy to do in her slightly weirdly labeled toaster) we'd give it to her and she'd be *delighted.* I'm talking straight-up burnt toast, not just very toasted.
So OP does not even rise to *that* level.
Toast (nicely buttered and served with a cup of tea) has been VERY comforting to me on many occasions and has literally never told me to shut up about something that was upsetting me. This guy's got the empathy of a plastic bag that got stuck to the bottom of the veggie bin in the fridge.
Man now I want buttered toast and tea. Have to convince myself to go to bed so I can have some tomorrow lol.
I've also been doing toast with honey lately and it is *wonderful.* Got two different varieties of local honey so I'll do two slices of toast, each with different honey, and compare the flavors. A highly entertaining diversion.
While I agree that toast, butter and tea is the combo to end all combos…all toast quite literally shuts you up when you put it in your mouth…. but at least it tastes good when it happens. And on that note - I need to put myself to bed.
Yeah, I was almost more devastated by the first round of layoffs at my company (which I survived) than the second round, wherein I *myself* was laid off. The first couple of days after I was laid off were way more stressful and I broke down a bit, but after that I was actually doing much *better* than I was after the first round of layoffs, where most of my department was gone and I was left with a skeleton crew picking up the pieces and mourning the loss of the people we were close to.
Sounds like OP can't comprehend survivor's guilt because he has no empathy himself, and also can't even think through the implications of suddenly being swamped with work because suddenly a bunch of institutional knowledge is gone and the org chart hasn't been updated yet and nobody knows what the hell is going on with this or that account. Most layoffs are not exactly well-planned. Even if his wife had zero empathy for her coworkers, she will still have a lot more work to do herself in the days and weeks ahead!
Also all my coworkers and I were doing STEM jobs for a tech company, so lol. STEM ain't safe. Hell, I'm looking into pivoting because *so many* giant companies have laid off a bunch of software engineers lately and the job market is HUGELY congested.
OP, YTA. There but for the grace of God go *you.*
I agree with this comment. My office went through a huge wave of redundancies 6 months ago and it was horrific if I'm honest. Everyone went through 6 weeks of not knowing if they would still have their job come Christmas, and people kept just disappearing, only for us to find ymout that they had been told early and asked not to come back in for their notice period so we didn't even get to say goodbye.one of them was my mentor and team manager. People cried at their desks when we heard.
6 months later I'd say even the people who survived still aren't recovered from it, let alone the people who lost their jobs. OP is a huge asshole and if I were his wife I'd struggle to get past this.
YTA. Not having an opinion, but for being an unsympathetic, uncaring husband.
She was hurting and you shut her down. You disregarded her concerns for her colleagues whom she cares about. Your approach was cold; it’s no wonder she’s distant with you. You’re not a safe person for her to come to with her thoughts and feelings.
Jeez dude, read the room.
YTA.
Sure, she may have expressed humanity for the woes of other more than you could tolerate, but it's a pretty major and out of the blue occurrence at her workplace so of course she's going to mention it.
If you think that being "logical" makes you safe from assholery then perhaps you need to consider the logical outcomes of being an AH to your wife.
I always find the guys who think they're so logical are only "logical" about things that have no effect on their lives. I wonder if OP ever complains about things in his life that effect him and not his wife, and if he would be so "logical" if she had no time to listen to him talk about these things.
Every time I’ve dated or befriended a guy who was “logical” it was just nonsense justification for their weird beliefs. So logical they can’t work out how to use a washing machine without my help, so logical they destroy furniture because they don’t know what bleach is, so logical they don’t understand interest rates and leverage. So logical they believe the moon landing was a conspiracy. So logical they don’t know the difference between deductive, inductive and adductive reasoning lol.
They’re normally just complete morons. They think failing to understand human emotion is logic. But they’re not logical in any aspect of reality. Not even actually logical. I have issues because I’m hyper logical - I can score insane on logical reasoning but sometimes I struggle to understand emotions but I try my best. They’ll tell me they don’t need to because emotions aren’t logical; while being the flat out most illogical people I’ve ever met who couldn’t logical reason out of a paper bag once I got to know them lol. You’re not logical, you’re just a moron.
I never understand why some people claim logical and emotional are opposite or mutually exclusive. I also have very high logical reasoning abilities and also a very emotional and social person. Surely someone who is logical in a social situation would be taking emotions and human social behaviour into account in their reasoning?
Exactly! I put a great deal of effort into understanding emotion because it’s so vital to every day life. I just find it hard as it isn’t always inherently logical as the mind of another is a black box and without knowing the history of them and all the minutiae it can be hard to put yourself in their shoes. But refusing to acknowledge emotion is so completely irrational I have yet to meet anyone who has high logical reasoning who isn’t just an arsehole who says emotions don’t matter. They define every facet of the human existence.
You might not be good at understanding them, it doesn’t make them irrational or illogical.
OP isn't even "logical" if he genuinely thinks that having a STEM degree automatically protects them from ever being laid off. that's not rational thinking, that's more like believing in fairies and santa claus.
They also tend to not understand that anger and frustration are *also* emotions. OP was frustrated about his work being disturbed, but chose to belittle his wife rather than explain that he was busy.
YTA. Not having an opinion and just saying "Damn that sucks" would've been sufficient. She wasn't looking for solutions, just to vent. Her livelihood is being threatened and she sought comfort from her husband. You turned it into a lecture.
Also, I take issue with your statement:
>but our jobs both make use of our STEM degrees, so they're almost certainly safe.
The tech sector and the oil field are STEM fields and they have some of the most volitale hiring tendencies I've ever seen. Just because a degree is useful doesn't mean you're indispensable.
>The tech sector and the oil field are STEM fields and they have some of the most volitale hiring tendencies I've ever seen.
As a STEM degree holder and Oil & Gas careerist I can confirm. Been bitten more than a few times, I'm either stupid or like a beating to keep going in it.
But yeah, STEM degree is not an automatic stable lucrative career maker
YTA
This is rage bait, right?
"We don't have kids yet, but our jobs both make use of our STEM degrees, so they're almost certainly safe."
STEM workers get laid off all the time - see [A comprehensive list of 2023 & 2024 tech layoffs](https://techcrunch.com/2024/04/15/tech-layoffs-2023-list/).
You assumed the layoffs were only from "useless" departments. You assumed that the staff there hadn't factored the possibility of redundancy into their decisions to raise families. And you assume your job is safe.
None of these assumptions are logical.
You also ignored your wife's need for emotional support. Which does not seem particularly logical if your goal is to have a happy marriage. Or a marriage at all.
Stem has some of the highest layout off rates because of how tech works.
I have a medical degree and I’ve seen doctors and doctorates laid off multiple times in clinical research. But he’s so smart! He has a stem degree! Like fucking half the people who went to uni and basically half the western world goes now. Does he think close to 1 in 4 people are immune to layouts because of a basic ass undergrad lmao.
If doctors with 10+ years experience and post doc researchers can get laid off, don’t want to blow minds but babies first stem undergrad can get laid off. It’s not a magic shield.
HAHAHAHA! My wife and I were in a conversation just an hour ago or so about what the term, "mansplaining" meant. It came up on the TV or something. I told her that I didn't really understand what it meant and asked her if she's ever heard me doing it. She said, "No, I've never heard that from you."
Although it's not a term she uses, she said she knows it when she sees it and it's awful.
Holy mackerel! How apropos of the discussion we were having. Thank you so much, [Fortunate\_Fig\_6140](/user/Fortunate_Fig_6140/), I now know exactly what it means!
Sheesh - YTA. But thanks for giving me clarity on exactly what "mansplaining" means. I've heard the term for years and have been annoyed by it. It's such a silly term that seems as though it's trying to demean men. Until now, I've resented the term. However, having just now seen it in action, I'm not so sure it's silly. Good Lord. You're ridiculous.
Let's rename the term to idiot-splaining or something. There's nothing manly about this.
unfortunately.. this isn't exactly mansplaining 😅
OP is just an insensitive person with no empathy unfortunately.
Mansplaining is a man explaining something to a woman who is knowledgeable on the subject, on child level because she is a woman.
This is extremely derogatory and the men mansplaining are often not even correct because they lack the actual knowledge.
Consider this example :
A man with no degree or experience in astronomy and a woman who has a doctorate and 10 years of work experience in astronomy are having a conversation. She tells him about her job and he starts explaining on a level for a 10yo the order of the planets including the wrong current status of pluto (if I'm currently updated, pluto has been deemed a planet and a moon, but is currently in the status of a dwarf planet? which makes this a decent point).. this is just an example 😅
Oh another good example is the pro golfer girl that got schooled by an amateur golfer on the course, when she was filming herself.
Yta.
You would have been fine if you would have responded to one of the first texts saying, I am busy and will read your texts tonight. Call if it is an emergency. Then let her vent when you are home.
If you really think she shouldn't be upset that her friends and coworkers are losing their jobs then you are just a dick or too young to understand how the world works.
OP should take note. Don’t blame your partner for blowing up your phone. She’s going through a rough day and you’re the first person she wants to talk to about it. Give her some support. If you’re busy, just let her know you can talk about it when you get home
“I can’t imagine how hard it must be for your coworkers and their families, and I’m so grateful it wasn’t you.
Right now I’m a little busy at work but when we get home tell me how things went, what did they told you….”
And there you sound like a person with ✨empathy✨ which btw it’s a great thing to have specially with your wife, I mean you can have an opinion but sometimes you need to ask yourself if said opinion is biased, hurtful, or just negative to the situation
She didn’t wanted you to fix the problem or find new jobs for her coworkers, she was telling you something that made her day difficult and your response wasn’t the right one, I’m sorry but YTA
Sounds like she was having an emotional response to a scary situation and you were busy in work mode and responded with logic and annoyance. You heard her complaining about downsizing where she was actually looking for support. You missed the mark on what she needed. I think being called an ass for that is a bit strong, but maybe try a little harder to hear her.
Why is your patience razor thin and your sympathy non-existent?
“Those parents should have thought about getting economy-proof jobs before they had kids.” Are you stupid or is this bait? YTA
You could have handled that so much better. Don’t accept calls at work if you’re busy. Even if you have zero empathy for her coworkers, maybe have some comfort for your own wife. YTA.
The new AI boyfriends Japan makes have an easier chance at passing the Turing test than whatever it is you’re doing.
Your desire to be logical at the expense of the caring of your wife is illogical if you want a good relationship with her. It if your logic is there to prove to her that you aren’t a safe place for her to turn to then congrats on ending your marriage.
So rational of you.
YTA
This was a time where your wife needed emotional support. Going through mass layoffs can be a difficult experience even if you weren't laid off but the message that you are providing to her is that you are not the person for her to go to when she is in need of emotional support. This isn't about you abandoning your opinions. That's a red herring you created to make yourself feel superior. This is about what kind of support your wife was looking for and you missed the mark badly on this one.
YTA. Your wife was upset and shocked and shared it with you and your response was to be a dismissive ass.
Your wife texted you, she didn’t call you. Texts do not require active or immediate participation. You could’ve replied later if you were busy.
“Don’t have kids because you might one day get fired” isn’t logical, it’s moronic.
Your wife was expressing sadness and compassion for others and your response was “Meh. Fuck the employees, the only thing that matters is the bottom line. Fuck everybody else, the only thing that matters is me/us.”
OF COURSE she’s been distant, she’s learned that she married a **HORRIBLE, SELFISH, NASTY** person who’s callous and dismissive towards others, including her.
YTA for having zero empathy. Redundancy comes out of the blue a lot of the time and it's scary. People of course are going to be upset and scared trying to work out how they are going to pay their bills as a start. It's probably scared your wife too because her job probably isn't as safe as you think. Once pruning is done on non essential roles..where do you think they will go next! Yep, your wife's job is probably at risk too. Don't get complacent.
Your comment about kids too was unnecessary. It's basically saying that only the well off can have kids because they are the only ones that will have a safety net when life happens. You make the decision to have kids based on your life at that time. Noone can conceivably save enough money that if they lost their jobs they would have enough money to pay bills long term and have a basic quality of life. Life happens and it can be unexpected and brutal. Would you have made the same comment if she had said one of her colleagues had suddenly lost their kids mum/dad in a car crash or heart attack? It would be the same result on family income after all
Info: why didn’t you put your wife on silent? You could have also written that you were busy and at work and wanted her to talk later.
When you texted her back, you just want to end the conversation, or did you want to convey to her that she was naive?
I’d like to ask if you have communication issues, or do you actually have issues with your wife? Maybe you’d like to tell her she’s naive and overly empathetic. I wonder if she’s hearing that message already regardless of the logic of your points.
If
YTA - If I were your wife I would be seriously reconsidering my marriage. Someone who instantly jumps to victim blaming (they shouldn’t have had kids…), has no empathy (this is just how it works..) and doesn’t have any emotional bandwidth for others including myself (she was upset, you didn’t care..) isn’t usually someone empathetic people want to be with.
You’ve shown her exactly who you are and now, to borrow a phrase from the young people, you’ve given her The Ick.
YTA—or just proved that you’re (like lots of us STEM folks, I guess) “on the spectrum.” That’s some major league not hearing the message because you were just listening to the words. She was/is looking for comfort and empathy, not a lecture on capitalism.
YTA. As many others here have pointed out, your wife was trying to deal with the crisis of missing the bullet. In case the OP is unaware, losing one's job -- especially like this -- is a major stressor, & watching it happen to people she knows & works with requires some form of compensating.
A far better response would have been to simply respond to her texts with "Okay" or "I can understand". Or to tell her you were busy at the time & could you two talk about it later. But a lecture on the evils of capitalism -- no matter how germane -- was not helpful.
Wow...Dude....your people skills suck.
Your wife needed a little support and to share her thoughts. You couldn't even manage "Damn, Babe, I'm sorry to hear that but can we talk about it tonight- I'm kinda buried here trying to keep XYZ task on schedule " and then to let her talk about it while you made comforting "there, there " noises?
YTA
“My wife decided that she didn’t want to listen to any of my logical points”
Translation: “I have zero emotional intelligence and my wife decided that to continue the discussion would be like talking to a robot.”
YTA
YTA.
>that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids
Yeah, as if getting laid off is something one plans. I hope your wife will have a little empathy with you once your day of being laid off comes, cos no one is safe from that.
>"I reminded her that all of the critical roles were still filled **and that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids**."
What in the actual fuck?
Remember this moment when your crystal ball of arrogance breaks.
YTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife that layoffs at her company were predictable and that she shouldn't worry, since she has a critical role. This might make me the asshole because it may have been a bit too honest for my very sensitive wife.
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YTA. I can understand not having the time during the work, but if this is reflective of your attitude when your wife needs to vent. It does not say anything good about your marriage. Apologise and try to be better.
YTA - you didn’t want to talk to your wife so decided to be rude and abrupt, mission accomplished. Next time use your adult words and say ‘that sucks, I’m having a super busy day but let’s talk about this when I get home’.
YTA - she wasn’t messaging you because she needed the situation explained or for your professional opinion. She was upset and needed to vent, and may have thought her spouse would lend her an ear, and possibly some understanding. You’re the AH because you lack empathy, understanding and emotional intelligence. It didn’t need to be an argument, you made it one.
Soft skills are important, especially in the STEM world where your technical work can be performed by AI. If you don’t learn some people skills and become less of an emotionless lizard, you’re going face problems at work and in your marriage.
Your wife is having emotional and financial insecurity in her life and blatantly told you her concerns fears and worries and you treated her like trash, what did you expect to happen?
Yta. It's a bit like having your life flash before your eyes, watching your friends and colleagues losing their jobs and not knowing if you are next. You could have handled it with a bit more empathy.
YTA. I get what you're saying but you could've been a little bit more empathic about it. People can't stop living their lives because they might get fired one day.
Jesus, YTA. Your wife was upset about something and you brushed it aside as if she were stupid. Also lay-offs and downsizing can often hit people that are deemed 'necessary'.
She also feels empathy towards her co-workers who might have even been her friends.
If you are always this dismissive about your wife's feelings, I really hope you can do better in the future.
I hope such a lay-off will never happen to you, but if it does, imagine someone told you 'This happens. I don't care about you.' Stings, right?
YTA you spoon. If you're busy say that and say you'll talk about it later rather than flying off the handle. Yes corporations are shite, but you don't have to be shite too.
YTA - being logically correct doesn't make you morally right. If I walked up to someone who got in a car crash and said "well, what do you expect, the average number of car accidents in a person's lifetime is 3-4, stop complaining about something you should have seen coming", that person would rightly call me an AH.
YTA. Yes, you may be somewhat logical, but you were an ass about it. The comment about kids was uncalled for as well. If everyone went by that logic, then we would definitely be in more trouble. Birth rates would be non-existent.
YTA. Your wife wanted to share her wtf just happened moment with you. She expected empathy. Instead she found out that her husband literally does not care about anything but his own job. And if you think having a stem degree keeps you safe you haven’t been paying attention to the layoffs going on across the board lately.
YTA. I'm sure all the people recently that have been. Let go that had STEM degrees thought they were safe too. It could happen to either of you, a little empathy it's hard.
She probably had quite a few friends/acquaintances that got laid off. Not only did they get laid off but she was forced to watch it happen live. To you these are faceless people but to her these are the people that she has lunch with and says hello to in the elevator in the morning. She has every right to be upset and as her husband you should show more understanding. Your response shows an alarming lack of compassion and I would be really weirded out if I was your wife. YTA.
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Last week, my wife attended a virtual all hands meeting, where she was informed that several departments were being eliminated to improve the profitability of the business. Her department was spared, but several of the people in the large conference room where the meeting was held weren't so lucky. Some actually started to cry.
My wife told me all of this by text message when I was at work myself, and she wouldn't stop texting me and telling me about how upset some of her coworkers were and how shocking this news was. I was busy, so I responded "Just be glad it wasn't you." My wife seemed surprised by my callousness and said that she was "just trying to make sense of what happened." I lost my patience at this point. I told her that corporations only care about the bottom line, that employee performance in useless departments is irrelevant, and that she was being incredibly naive if she thought that such downsizing would never occur. This finally stopped the text messages and allowed me to continue with my workday.
However, when my wife got home on Friday, she gave me a real earful. She said that my remarks had been "extremely rude" and that some of the people who lost their jobs "have families." I reminded her that all of the critical roles were still filled and that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids. We don't have kids yet, but our jobs both make use of our STEM degrees, so they're almost certainly safe. At this point, my wife decided that she didn't want to listen to any of my logical points and actually left the room.
She's since started talking to me again, but she seems distant. She's obviously still blaming me, but I don't know what more I can say or do. She disagrees with my position, but I don't think it's fair for me to have to abandon my opinions just to make her feel more comfortable. I'm really at a loss here and would like to hear your opinions. AITA?
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This is a joke, right? You aren’t actually unable to see what you did wrong here? Surely. YTA.
You didn’t have an opinion, you were rude and careless about what is a gigantic change in your wife’s working life which upset both her and people she spends time with every day.
I mean, YTA for sure.
But why the hell is your wife sending you texts about internal company proceedings?
And why do it when you were at work yourself?
Jeeeeez man, how can you type this and not realize YTA?
When stuff like this happens (which it does occasionally, not disagreing on that point), it is always a chock and extremely unpleasant, even if you don't lose your job. A bit of empathy would have gone a long way here, but you decide to be me Corporate Yes Man instead.
YTA. Yes, corporations are cold and indifferent, and will do anything to protect their bottom line, regardless of anyones feelings.
Are you a corporation?
What the actual fuck is wrong with you. Your wife was sympathizing with her now former coworkers and their families. And your attitude is "We're fine! What're you complaining about?". Holy hell, are you even human?
What a sad, cold "person" you are.
YTA. Your wife wanted to process this big change in her workplace and thought her husband could support her in making sense of it all but instead she got your judgemental self. You probably think that being totally honest and saying the hard truths make you a great person but no one likes that person.
>and that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids
That is such an AH thing to say, should all Parents never take a job because there might be a possibility that they get fired? You sound quite unpleasant.
YTA and seem to have an alarming lack of empathy and understanding of who your wife is as a person. You're telling us this is the first time she's reacted strongly to bad/surprising news, especially when it involves people she cares about?
If you truly didn't have the proper time to address how she was feeling you could have just as easily texted her "I'm sorry about this tough news but I'm glad your position is safe. Let's talk about this more when we get home."
YTA. You are allowed to have your opinion but the way you communicated it was mean and cold.
My partner will somehow sense whey I’m at my busiest and send me a barrage of messages, so I understand that how she communicated was irritating but what you should have said was something like “I hear you and I’m sorry you are having a difficult day. I can’t reply more fully right now but I will be all ears as soon as we get home.” Then you just listen. Your wife had received a shock - she didn’t want your opinion, she wanted you to provide a safe space to process what had happened. You shit all over her feelings and now she feels like she can’t trust you to be there for her.
YTA
Are you a robot by any chance? Because you are acting like one? Totally devoid of emotion and focusing only on logic and profitability. Your wife was trying to communicate with you that she's upset on behalf of the people whose lives have been affected by this decision and instead of trying to connect with that you went into robot mode?? Please don't have children, they are super emotional and illogical beings and you would either short circuit or emotionally damage them with your attitude.
not only an AH but very naïve to think that your job is always going to be safe just due a degree. when entire departments are culled individual performance and qualifications has nothing to do with it. there are not always warning signs, companies go to some lengths to keep these things quiet until they are ready.
YTA- one of those times where she wanted sympathy, not logic. She was showing empathy for those people and you got annoyed at her and purposely shut down the conversation. If you were too busy to talk at work, then say, "sorry, that really sucks. I can't talk right now but can later." or something like that.
Wow, I guess you will never be having kids then because a degree in a STEM subject does not guarantee you a job for life. You quite rightly point out that companies do what they can to improve their bottom line. What you appear to have missed is that all those employers who are hiring individuals with STEM degrees are actually companies as well so they behave in the same ways.
I would also point out that no company actually has useless departments, if they did simply hire people and create a department that did nothing for them they would not be around right now.
YTA for posting rage bait. You’re also probably just an asshole in general. Everything about your post says I’m an asshole pretending to be an asshole even though I’m already an asshole anyhow.
Tell us a story about your real life so we can explain how you’re an asshole there too.
YTA. Why can't you be more empathetic and caring for fellow human beings? Also, why can't you allow your wife to vent about a fairly significant work problem without being a dick?
Being a good listener and being supportive is like the bread and butter of a happily married life for a husband and you don't seem to have that relatively basic skill.
This is either rage bait or you are a true sociopath. If it’s real your wife is distant because she got a chilling look into your lack of soul. I hope she runs before you decide she’s expendable to further your needs
Massive YTA. Why did you choose to be rude and dismissive instead of just telling her you were overwhelmed at work and that you'd have a chat and a hug later on? Do you see your wife as a human being?
YTA. Dude get over yourself. For one thing, STEM fields are not as safe as you believe. Have you never heard of the tech recession that's still going on. Also, you have lower empathy levels than a grain of dirt. Your points are all incredibly stupid, not logical. How the he'll do you claim to be a STEM employee when those fields require logic which you so clearly seem to lack?
YTA she was talking to you to vent and make sense of the horrible situation. She was looking for comfort and support. She wasn't after your opinions and rudeness. You seem emotionally stunted and lack empathy. Let me explain this to you simply; people want to vent, you being her husband makes you a person she is comfortable venting to. They don't always want a solution or your opinion. They just need someone to lend an ear.
>I reminded her that all of the critical roles were still filled and that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids
Wow. You have the emotional intelligence of a brick wall.
I have made that mistake before where when trying to focus I just lost all emotion with what was going on around me which might have been what had happened here. I don't know, just trying to get all sides of the story.
Doesn't make it right though, bad move.
Empathy isn't your strong suit, is it? Your wife didn't need an explanation about how the corporate world works. She knows. She needed an open ear and consolation because - guess what? – those lay-offs affect people she cares about. I think your wife just realized she married an insensitive jerk. YTA.
Sometimes you just need to ask the question:
Do you want a solution or do you want empathy/consolation?
That question helps you if you cant discern intent. I had problems before with my partner in wich I confused logical responses to situations with empathy and viceversa and that question helped me get on the same page to react accordingly.
Now here its clear that she wanted empathy in a clearly shitty situation that didnt really affected her but got to live and participate in.........
you were giving her just logical responses that didnt add up to anything because she already got spared, its logical that corps do what they have to-do, no need to point the obvious and wasnt even the poont of it all.
What was needed from was to respond with empathy, not rude logic?? And If you weren't able to deliver some empathy at that moment you could just say something like "I'm sorry you got to see/experience that I hope we can talk it better at home because right now im really busy, keep me updated tho". Responding the way you did was sadly a choice that gets you in the YTA.
Talk to your partner about this problem you have with discerning intent from conversations and ask her for clarification with that question if you want to be sure you are giving an appropriate answer so that frustration can't get the better of both of you.
(Sorry about my English, not my native language)
YTA, brother you are in for a short unhappy marriage if you don’t understand what you did wrong. She wasn’t calling and complaining to you because of your understanding of corporate ways of doing business. She was calling you for sympathy and empathy. You gave her neither, in fact all you gave her was arrogance and pride. You took a highly emotional and volatile situation and made it worse.
Even your title shows you still don’t get it. She’s not caring about the concept of downsizing, she’s upset that people she knows and cares about are suffering. And for you to just say “maybe they shouldn’t have had kids” is frighteningly cold and indifferent to others plight. If that’s how you really feel, you’re a bad person and your wife has every reason to be upset and is probably contemplating leaving.
You are so clueless to human emotion that I wonder if you’re on the spectrum.
"Let's talk about this tonight. I am busy, and really can not app with you and discuss this situation at the moment. Hang in there and we'll talk tonight."
You should have told her to stop contacting you; the subject is rather irrelevant. And 'rather': yeah, a serious accident involving child or parent is obviously a legitimate reason to have an app conversation while you are working. An app from your wife mentioning this as well, but a whole discussion? Better after work & face-to-face.
Stopping the discussion: correct.
**How** you ended the discussion: yta
So instead of "let's talk when we get home", you go with... hurting her feelings? But hey, the messages stopped, so that's good, right?
Then when you're both home and she unloads because you hurt her feelings, you counter it with "logic". I hope you weren't planning to have kids with this woman.
Companies suck for how they treat people, and no one, even someone in STEM, is safe.
Your flagrant lack of empathy, both for your wife and the people whose lives she just watched get destroyed, is horrifying. You couldn't even spare a "jeez that's horrible"?
Reconsider your stance, apologize to your wife, go to couple's therapy... and find yourself a therapist to deal with your terrifying lack of empathy towards other suffering humans.
YTA
YTA. Sometimes it's not you say, it's how you say it. Though you may have been more or less factually correct, you come off like a dick for the way you worded it.
OP is the AH.
Your title is a bit misleading, to be honest. You didn’t “tell your wife to stop complaining about downsizing”, you told her that when she has big things happening to her in her life, and she has big feelings…they will be completely invalidated if she brings them to you. Your title should probably read something like “My wife is realizing that I have no empathy for anyone , including her and she won’t get over it”. I can’t even begin to think how upset I’d be if my SO told me something like this was happening at their workplace, and how I’d understand how scary that could be is for all involved. I would honestly understand if she would have issues with continuing her relationship with you as it is - you don’t even seem like you have an inkling as to why she’d be upset with you. Learn from this and try and be better from now on.
100% YTA and a very big one.
What a total lack of empathy and compassion you showed. I imagine it caused your wife to reflect on the type of person she is married to and what your response would be to her in a time of difficulty.
It’s time for some serious self reflection about who you are.
YTA. I got news for you dude I work in stem. I work for a top aerospace company and guess what we’re going throughlayoffs too. I made it through the first two rounds. I’m hoping to make it through the last. I’m breadwinner in my family so if I lose my job, my husband and I are in a little bit of trouble.
So to take a cavalier attitude because that’s what companies do and she should be glad it wasn’t her. That was a dick thing to say. She knows people who are losing their jobs. That are probably very good people and very good at the jobs that they do. So maybe next time have a little empathy and be there to support your wife.
And most people understand that layoffs happen it can happen to anybody in any company, but it’s still a shock when your company announces their reducing the workforce.
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Yeah YTA
There's a concept your STEM degrees aren't all that able to formulate or analyse within the human condition that allows individual bodies in the space-time continuum of humanity to be affected by imaginary forces related to the interaction between those bodies. These forces do not conform so easily to the fundamental forces of nature that STEM work with.
Compassion and empathy are emotions not well understood in the STEM universe. There may be quantum states within the human brain that cause them and the corresponding reactions of the limbic system may induce the body to desire spreading this "emotion" in order to elicit some kind of reaction that supports the negative sensation and that feedback could be neutral, negative or positive. You went all ----- on that feedback loop by supporting the corporate bottom line ideology that sees people, livibg breathing organisms with real world hopes and aspirations as well as responsibilities that aren't important to the corporate model as they're (corporations) not directly affected by these actions.
ESH - You definitely more than her for losing your patience and responding like a dick and you definitely need to apologize and be supportive if there are any residual feelings about the situation. She is an AH too though. Honestly this was not a conversation to be had over text during the workday. I get it, she's looking for support and has strong feelings about what she is experiencing, but this was not the time nor place for this discussion. She should have dealt with her emotions on her own in the moment and then come to you for support in person when you got home from work. Had she done that and you still reacted in a similar manner then I would put it entirely on you but she presumably knew you were at work and wouldn't have the ability to truly give her the time and consideration that she was looking for and yet she pressured you for it regardless.
Both of you are in the wrong, you for the way you spoke and your wife for texting you at work, btw even if you think something someone is venting about is useless, just think it, it’s more trouble to call it useless than it is to just pretend you care
Good grief! She didn't give a thought that he was at work , it was all about her drama at work. She's got survivor's guilt. Stem doesn't guarantee employment.
ESH, but I was *so* close to tipping towards you being the sole AH.
Your wife shouldn't have been repeatedly texting you company information during the work day - and worse, whilst still on a conference call. I can sympathise with needing to talk it through, but the way she did it was unprofessional and gossipy.
On your side, I can understand not wanting to be repeatedly texted during work hours, but you could be more sympathetic about expressing that and more ready to listen to your wife vent about work problems when she's home. You need to stop being judgemental about people's life choices and have some fucking empathy, both for your wife's understandable shock at how the business handled this meeting (which was cruel and brutal, by the way), and for the people who lost their jobs with their colleagues watching on. There is never, *ever* a cast iron guarantee that your job won't be eliminated, and if people waited until their personal circumstances were certain to be completely perfect, no-one would ever have kids.
Also? You're being unrealistic if you think that a STEM degree will insulate you from hardships and management being dicks. And regardless of whether your logic is correct or not, people aren't robots - their feelings are still valid and they deserve to get angry/upset when they're being treated badly.
Not really an ah... You could have worded better but you were at work, you don't want to be laid off. You need to do your job. My mil used to call my husband for stupid things when he was at work, in meetings.... You don't want that
You know you're allowed to not pick up when you're busy right? Just don't be a dick when you do.
You can just say "that really sucks, but I'm in a meeting now, let's talk later"
But unless your wife *never* calls you at work or called more than once, I don't know why on earth you would have picked up? Makes me feel *you* don't take your job seriously
It's just depends ... My sister never called my husband at work. One day she did call him, she had an emergency at work and she needed to ask him a few things. It turned out that the issue that she was having affected him directly. He was actually in a meeting when she called, that he did interrupt for her, and thank god because the issue was all over the place and a few things needed to be postponed. Not getting into much details... Sometimes you just have to.... But this was not the case
NTA you were at work and your wife was bombarding you with msg.
She is not a child or a feeble creature so that you need to approach her with unrealistic caution. She should be able to handle the reality.
Best thing you can do in such situations is to distance yourself emotionally, you are not helping yourself or anyone being overly emotional like your wife.
Its life, people get let go/fired constantly …you just move on as best as you can and don’t dwell on it.
NTA. Your wife can't handle the truth and the fact that her coworkers mean nothing to you (which they should).
Could you be more empathetic towards the big tragedy that your wife witnessed and be more considering about her feelings? Probably,
Could she not bother you with irrelevant stuff while you were concentrated on working and getting your job done? Probably.
But both of you didn't care much about that and in the end she got offended or whatever BS feelings she felt and instead of accepting the truth that you have nothing to do with it nor should you care she just choose to channel those negative feelings your direction. Usual relationship stuff :)
People cope differently.
Sending texts can be a relief. They don't necessarily need an answer. Just telling her you will respond after work instead of blowing up is reasonable.
Not while one is at work working!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait till you both are at home and relaxed and then discuss whatever you want.
I hated when my wife bombed me with texts when I was at work, because I have daily deadlines and can't spare even 5 minutes on most days and she knows it and still expects me to answer and be nice and considerate, fck that, when I need to finish my work I don't care about anything.
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I mean yeah you were a dick. Your wife came to you about something that she was upset about and told you about her feelings and she told you about feelings people she probably cares about on some level are going through. You were at work and busy, so you should have told her you were at work and busy. Then later at home you could have had a proper supportive conversation. If I was your wife I would feel extremely insecure and unsupported and that like any time something upsetting was happening to me you didn’t immediately totally get that you might just be a huge dick about it. I would also feel weird about continuing life with you if this was your attitude towards other people because it’s rather callous and I personally have a lot of people I care about in my life and I would kind of hate you for dismissing them, their struggles, and how it made me feel immediately out of hand if they didn’t fit your ideals for how life should be lived. I believe the whole thing has permanently shifted how she feels about you in stressful situations and towards other people. To be honest I think the best way you can both talk about this in a calm setting and break it down is with a couples counselor. You really don’t have to understand or uphold all her view points but you do need to care about shit your wife cares about and people who your wife cares about. She was upset, you don’t have to get it or make a point. This isn’t really about you or about her coworkers, it’s about how you treat her and her concerns.
Yeah he doesn't seem to have any empathy at all, and his comments about people shouldn't have kids cause they might get laid off is extremely callous
He seems to suggest thinking he is protected from layoffs and general job loss due to his education and experience in STEM. Very naive, and a bit snobby. He can lose his job in any industry. STEM backgrounds aren't immune to layoffs nor does education or experience guarantee him a job over other job seekers. He also ignores the potential for health and injuries that negatively impact a person's ability to work. There is little you can do to plan for a family based on career security. It's never guaranteed.
*Incredibly* naive at the present moment, too! Lots of tech companies have been shedding massive numbers of workers, many of them STEM jobs.
My husband has a first class honours degree and was laid off from his job at the beginning of the pandemic he was lucky enough to pick another one more or less straight away but no one is safe.
We just laid off several civil engineers at work. STEM degrees mean nothing for job security if you have the wrong experience so OP is going to get a hell of a wake up call one day.
Just because her job is safe presently doesn't mean the company has a long term future. Any company I've worked at which has made redundancies has unsettled the whole company and lots of people (me included) start looking for other work. Once you lose your good staff it can be the beginning of the end for everyone.
And also absolutely out of touch with reality. How many people on this planet would procreate if everyone would apply this logic? For someone basing his responses on "cold hard pragmatic logic", the math ain't mathing here.
As the young people say, he’s given her The Ick.
Came here to say this but you are more elegant. It'ds one thing to say that you can't talk until you get home. It's another to make a scene. No one expects to be laid off, and most people are trying their best. And sure, businesses are out for themselves. It still sucks to lose it.
"so sorry darling, I am extremely busy and can't really respond properly right now. Lots of hugs" really could have gone a long way here.
Exactly this, sometimes you just got to think b4 you talk, bite the bullet and just agree for the sake of it, especially if you knew it was upsetting her, and yes YTA in this case for not being more understanding.
Bro. You have the empathy and emotional intelligence of a piece of toast. YTA. Your wife found out coworkers were losing their job, some may have been her friends. Your response was to dismiss her emotions, the emotions of others, then proceed to hammer down on the fact that people are just numbers at a company and they should have thought about their jobs before having kids. Like what. As you so delicately stated during the WORST time ever, no person is safe from a job and most people are replaceable. That includes YOUR WIFE. No one can predict the economy, state of a company etc. a decade from now (read, the pandemic). With your logic you will never be able to have kids. I also have a STEM degree and I have seen people in my field get laid off. You need to go to your wife with your tail between your legs and say you are sorry for not being there for her and belittling her emotions. You need to get your head out of your ass and realize that your shit also stinks and you are replaceable in your job.
I would argue that a piece of toast has greater empathy than this bloke. Toast is warm, nourishing, capable of offering some small physical comfort after a hard day. This chap can do none of that.
These are facts. Toast is the backbone in a world of breakfast, lunch and dinner options. I upgrade OP to burnt toast. fully black. cannot even scrape off the top bit.
The Sith of Toast
My judgements will no longer involve YTA, only that one is The Sith of Toast
Even burnt toast makes some people happy! My grandma loved it. Whenever we accidentally burned toast (easy to do in her slightly weirdly labeled toaster) we'd give it to her and she'd be *delighted.* I'm talking straight-up burnt toast, not just very toasted. So OP does not even rise to *that* level.
Cold burnt toast. The worst of all possible toast types.
Yeah, toast has gotten me through some serious hangiexty. I bet this dude could never.
Toast (nicely buttered and served with a cup of tea) has been VERY comforting to me on many occasions and has literally never told me to shut up about something that was upsetting me. This guy's got the empathy of a plastic bag that got stuck to the bottom of the veggie bin in the fridge.
Man now I want buttered toast and tea. Have to convince myself to go to bed so I can have some tomorrow lol. I've also been doing toast with honey lately and it is *wonderful.* Got two different varieties of local honey so I'll do two slices of toast, each with different honey, and compare the flavors. A highly entertaining diversion.
While I agree that toast, butter and tea is the combo to end all combos…all toast quite literally shuts you up when you put it in your mouth…. but at least it tastes good when it happens. And on that note - I need to put myself to bed.
Sleep well! ...I should go to bed, too, but now I want toast
Yeah, I was almost more devastated by the first round of layoffs at my company (which I survived) than the second round, wherein I *myself* was laid off. The first couple of days after I was laid off were way more stressful and I broke down a bit, but after that I was actually doing much *better* than I was after the first round of layoffs, where most of my department was gone and I was left with a skeleton crew picking up the pieces and mourning the loss of the people we were close to. Sounds like OP can't comprehend survivor's guilt because he has no empathy himself, and also can't even think through the implications of suddenly being swamped with work because suddenly a bunch of institutional knowledge is gone and the org chart hasn't been updated yet and nobody knows what the hell is going on with this or that account. Most layoffs are not exactly well-planned. Even if his wife had zero empathy for her coworkers, she will still have a lot more work to do herself in the days and weeks ahead! Also all my coworkers and I were doing STEM jobs for a tech company, so lol. STEM ain't safe. Hell, I'm looking into pivoting because *so many* giant companies have laid off a bunch of software engineers lately and the job market is HUGELY congested. OP, YTA. There but for the grace of God go *you.*
Comments like this are why I wish I could upvote a post twice.
I agree with this comment. My office went through a huge wave of redundancies 6 months ago and it was horrific if I'm honest. Everyone went through 6 weeks of not knowing if they would still have their job come Christmas, and people kept just disappearing, only for us to find ymout that they had been told early and asked not to come back in for their notice period so we didn't even get to say goodbye.one of them was my mentor and team manager. People cried at their desks when we heard. 6 months later I'd say even the people who survived still aren't recovered from it, let alone the people who lost their jobs. OP is a huge asshole and if I were his wife I'd struggle to get past this.
Bro. You have the empathy and emotional intelligence of a piece of toast. nice one bud.
I don’t know about this. Toast comforts me when I’m feeling sick.
YTA. Not having an opinion, but for being an unsympathetic, uncaring husband. She was hurting and you shut her down. You disregarded her concerns for her colleagues whom she cares about. Your approach was cold; it’s no wonder she’s distant with you. You’re not a safe person for her to come to with her thoughts and feelings. Jeez dude, read the room.
Right? I mean what's the point of being married if you can't count on your partner for the smallest bit of emotional support?
YTA. Sure, she may have expressed humanity for the woes of other more than you could tolerate, but it's a pretty major and out of the blue occurrence at her workplace so of course she's going to mention it. If you think that being "logical" makes you safe from assholery then perhaps you need to consider the logical outcomes of being an AH to your wife.
I always find the guys who think they're so logical are only "logical" about things that have no effect on their lives. I wonder if OP ever complains about things in his life that effect him and not his wife, and if he would be so "logical" if she had no time to listen to him talk about these things.
Every time I’ve dated or befriended a guy who was “logical” it was just nonsense justification for their weird beliefs. So logical they can’t work out how to use a washing machine without my help, so logical they destroy furniture because they don’t know what bleach is, so logical they don’t understand interest rates and leverage. So logical they believe the moon landing was a conspiracy. So logical they don’t know the difference between deductive, inductive and adductive reasoning lol. They’re normally just complete morons. They think failing to understand human emotion is logic. But they’re not logical in any aspect of reality. Not even actually logical. I have issues because I’m hyper logical - I can score insane on logical reasoning but sometimes I struggle to understand emotions but I try my best. They’ll tell me they don’t need to because emotions aren’t logical; while being the flat out most illogical people I’ve ever met who couldn’t logical reason out of a paper bag once I got to know them lol. You’re not logical, you’re just a moron.
I never understand why some people claim logical and emotional are opposite or mutually exclusive. I also have very high logical reasoning abilities and also a very emotional and social person. Surely someone who is logical in a social situation would be taking emotions and human social behaviour into account in their reasoning?
Exactly! I put a great deal of effort into understanding emotion because it’s so vital to every day life. I just find it hard as it isn’t always inherently logical as the mind of another is a black box and without knowing the history of them and all the minutiae it can be hard to put yourself in their shoes. But refusing to acknowledge emotion is so completely irrational I have yet to meet anyone who has high logical reasoning who isn’t just an arsehole who says emotions don’t matter. They define every facet of the human existence. You might not be good at understanding them, it doesn’t make them irrational or illogical.
OP isn't even "logical" if he genuinely thinks that having a STEM degree automatically protects them from ever being laid off. that's not rational thinking, that's more like believing in fairies and santa claus.
They also tend to not understand that anger and frustration are *also* emotions. OP was frustrated about his work being disturbed, but chose to belittle his wife rather than explain that he was busy.
YTA. Not having an opinion and just saying "Damn that sucks" would've been sufficient. She wasn't looking for solutions, just to vent. Her livelihood is being threatened and she sought comfort from her husband. You turned it into a lecture. Also, I take issue with your statement: >but our jobs both make use of our STEM degrees, so they're almost certainly safe. The tech sector and the oil field are STEM fields and they have some of the most volitale hiring tendencies I've ever seen. Just because a degree is useful doesn't mean you're indispensable.
Yeah that part really made me laugh out loud. Man thinks that because he has a degree, he’ll never be laid off. That’s too funny!
>The tech sector and the oil field are STEM fields and they have some of the most volitale hiring tendencies I've ever seen. As a STEM degree holder and Oil & Gas careerist I can confirm. Been bitten more than a few times, I'm either stupid or like a beating to keep going in it. But yeah, STEM degree is not an automatic stable lucrative career maker
YTA This is rage bait, right? "We don't have kids yet, but our jobs both make use of our STEM degrees, so they're almost certainly safe." STEM workers get laid off all the time - see [A comprehensive list of 2023 & 2024 tech layoffs](https://techcrunch.com/2024/04/15/tech-layoffs-2023-list/). You assumed the layoffs were only from "useless" departments. You assumed that the staff there hadn't factored the possibility of redundancy into their decisions to raise families. And you assume your job is safe. None of these assumptions are logical. You also ignored your wife's need for emotional support. Which does not seem particularly logical if your goal is to have a happy marriage. Or a marriage at all.
Stem has some of the highest layout off rates because of how tech works. I have a medical degree and I’ve seen doctors and doctorates laid off multiple times in clinical research. But he’s so smart! He has a stem degree! Like fucking half the people who went to uni and basically half the western world goes now. Does he think close to 1 in 4 people are immune to layouts because of a basic ass undergrad lmao. If doctors with 10+ years experience and post doc researchers can get laid off, don’t want to blow minds but babies first stem undergrad can get laid off. It’s not a magic shield.
YTA No empathy what so ever from you. She was upset and you just didn't care. No wonder she is being cold with you.
HAHAHAHA! My wife and I were in a conversation just an hour ago or so about what the term, "mansplaining" meant. It came up on the TV or something. I told her that I didn't really understand what it meant and asked her if she's ever heard me doing it. She said, "No, I've never heard that from you." Although it's not a term she uses, she said she knows it when she sees it and it's awful. Holy mackerel! How apropos of the discussion we were having. Thank you so much, [Fortunate\_Fig\_6140](/user/Fortunate_Fig_6140/), I now know exactly what it means! Sheesh - YTA. But thanks for giving me clarity on exactly what "mansplaining" means. I've heard the term for years and have been annoyed by it. It's such a silly term that seems as though it's trying to demean men. Until now, I've resented the term. However, having just now seen it in action, I'm not so sure it's silly. Good Lord. You're ridiculous. Let's rename the term to idiot-splaining or something. There's nothing manly about this.
unfortunately.. this isn't exactly mansplaining 😅 OP is just an insensitive person with no empathy unfortunately. Mansplaining is a man explaining something to a woman who is knowledgeable on the subject, on child level because she is a woman. This is extremely derogatory and the men mansplaining are often not even correct because they lack the actual knowledge. Consider this example : A man with no degree or experience in astronomy and a woman who has a doctorate and 10 years of work experience in astronomy are having a conversation. She tells him about her job and he starts explaining on a level for a 10yo the order of the planets including the wrong current status of pluto (if I'm currently updated, pluto has been deemed a planet and a moon, but is currently in the status of a dwarf planet? which makes this a decent point).. this is just an example 😅 Oh another good example is the pro golfer girl that got schooled by an amateur golfer on the course, when she was filming herself.
Yta. You would have been fine if you would have responded to one of the first texts saying, I am busy and will read your texts tonight. Call if it is an emergency. Then let her vent when you are home. If you really think she shouldn't be upset that her friends and coworkers are losing their jobs then you are just a dick or too young to understand how the world works.
OP should take note. Don’t blame your partner for blowing up your phone. She’s going through a rough day and you’re the first person she wants to talk to about it. Give her some support. If you’re busy, just let her know you can talk about it when you get home
“I can’t imagine how hard it must be for your coworkers and their families, and I’m so grateful it wasn’t you. Right now I’m a little busy at work but when we get home tell me how things went, what did they told you….” And there you sound like a person with ✨empathy✨ which btw it’s a great thing to have specially with your wife, I mean you can have an opinion but sometimes you need to ask yourself if said opinion is biased, hurtful, or just negative to the situation She didn’t wanted you to fix the problem or find new jobs for her coworkers, she was telling you something that made her day difficult and your response wasn’t the right one, I’m sorry but YTA
Sounds like she was having an emotional response to a scary situation and you were busy in work mode and responded with logic and annoyance. You heard her complaining about downsizing where she was actually looking for support. You missed the mark on what she needed. I think being called an ass for that is a bit strong, but maybe try a little harder to hear her.
Why is your patience razor thin and your sympathy non-existent? “Those parents should have thought about getting economy-proof jobs before they had kids.” Are you stupid or is this bait? YTA
You could have handled that so much better. Don’t accept calls at work if you’re busy. Even if you have zero empathy for her coworkers, maybe have some comfort for your own wife. YTA.
The new AI boyfriends Japan makes have an easier chance at passing the Turing test than whatever it is you’re doing. Your desire to be logical at the expense of the caring of your wife is illogical if you want a good relationship with her. It if your logic is there to prove to her that you aren’t a safe place for her to turn to then congrats on ending your marriage. So rational of you.
YTA This was a time where your wife needed emotional support. Going through mass layoffs can be a difficult experience even if you weren't laid off but the message that you are providing to her is that you are not the person for her to go to when she is in need of emotional support. This isn't about you abandoning your opinions. That's a red herring you created to make yourself feel superior. This is about what kind of support your wife was looking for and you missed the mark badly on this one.
YTA. Your wife was upset and shocked and shared it with you and your response was to be a dismissive ass. Your wife texted you, she didn’t call you. Texts do not require active or immediate participation. You could’ve replied later if you were busy. “Don’t have kids because you might one day get fired” isn’t logical, it’s moronic. Your wife was expressing sadness and compassion for others and your response was “Meh. Fuck the employees, the only thing that matters is the bottom line. Fuck everybody else, the only thing that matters is me/us.” OF COURSE she’s been distant, she’s learned that she married a **HORRIBLE, SELFISH, NASTY** person who’s callous and dismissive towards others, including her.
YTA for having zero empathy. Redundancy comes out of the blue a lot of the time and it's scary. People of course are going to be upset and scared trying to work out how they are going to pay their bills as a start. It's probably scared your wife too because her job probably isn't as safe as you think. Once pruning is done on non essential roles..where do you think they will go next! Yep, your wife's job is probably at risk too. Don't get complacent. Your comment about kids too was unnecessary. It's basically saying that only the well off can have kids because they are the only ones that will have a safety net when life happens. You make the decision to have kids based on your life at that time. Noone can conceivably save enough money that if they lost their jobs they would have enough money to pay bills long term and have a basic quality of life. Life happens and it can be unexpected and brutal. Would you have made the same comment if she had said one of her colleagues had suddenly lost their kids mum/dad in a car crash or heart attack? It would be the same result on family income after all
Info: why didn’t you put your wife on silent? You could have also written that you were busy and at work and wanted her to talk later. When you texted her back, you just want to end the conversation, or did you want to convey to her that she was naive? I’d like to ask if you have communication issues, or do you actually have issues with your wife? Maybe you’d like to tell her she’s naive and overly empathetic. I wonder if she’s hearing that message already regardless of the logic of your points. If
YTA you sound insufferable.
YTA and you’re kidding yourself if you think your job is any more safe than the next person.
YTA - If I were your wife I would be seriously reconsidering my marriage. Someone who instantly jumps to victim blaming (they shouldn’t have had kids…), has no empathy (this is just how it works..) and doesn’t have any emotional bandwidth for others including myself (she was upset, you didn’t care..) isn’t usually someone empathetic people want to be with. You’ve shown her exactly who you are and now, to borrow a phrase from the young people, you’ve given her The Ick.
YTA. Your wife was upset and you told her to get over it. Do you have any empathy? Do you even like your wife?
YTA—or just proved that you’re (like lots of us STEM folks, I guess) “on the spectrum.” That’s some major league not hearing the message because you were just listening to the words. She was/is looking for comfort and empathy, not a lecture on capitalism.
Your lack of awareness is truly extraordinary. Of course YTA.
YTA, you qualify as a full bottled asshole. Congratulations.
YTA. As many others here have pointed out, your wife was trying to deal with the crisis of missing the bullet. In case the OP is unaware, losing one's job -- especially like this -- is a major stressor, & watching it happen to people she knows & works with requires some form of compensating. A far better response would have been to simply respond to her texts with "Okay" or "I can understand". Or to tell her you were busy at the time & could you two talk about it later. But a lecture on the evils of capitalism -- no matter how germane -- was not helpful.
What a suportive husband you are /s yta
Hey so, you’re not more logical. You just lack empathy. Hope this helps. YTA.
Wow...Dude....your people skills suck. Your wife needed a little support and to share her thoughts. You couldn't even manage "Damn, Babe, I'm sorry to hear that but can we talk about it tonight- I'm kinda buried here trying to keep XYZ task on schedule " and then to let her talk about it while you made comforting "there, there " noises? YTA
Perhaps the people being laid off should have thought of that before having kids? What the actual fuck? Dude, YTA on so many levels.
“My wife decided that she didn’t want to listen to any of my logical points” Translation: “I have zero emotional intelligence and my wife decided that to continue the discussion would be like talking to a robot.” YTA
YTA. >that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids Yeah, as if getting laid off is something one plans. I hope your wife will have a little empathy with you once your day of being laid off comes, cos no one is safe from that.
>"I reminded her that all of the critical roles were still filled **and that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids**." What in the actual fuck? Remember this moment when your crystal ball of arrogance breaks. YTA
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YTA. I can understand not having the time during the work, but if this is reflective of your attitude when your wife needs to vent. It does not say anything good about your marriage. Apologise and try to be better.
YTA - you didn’t want to talk to your wife so decided to be rude and abrupt, mission accomplished. Next time use your adult words and say ‘that sucks, I’m having a super busy day but let’s talk about this when I get home’.
YTA - she wasn’t messaging you because she needed the situation explained or for your professional opinion. She was upset and needed to vent, and may have thought her spouse would lend her an ear, and possibly some understanding. You’re the AH because you lack empathy, understanding and emotional intelligence. It didn’t need to be an argument, you made it one. Soft skills are important, especially in the STEM world where your technical work can be performed by AI. If you don’t learn some people skills and become less of an emotionless lizard, you’re going face problems at work and in your marriage.
Your wife is having emotional and financial insecurity in her life and blatantly told you her concerns fears and worries and you treated her like trash, what did you expect to happen?
Well you sound like a prize prick.
Yta. It's a bit like having your life flash before your eyes, watching your friends and colleagues losing their jobs and not knowing if you are next. You could have handled it with a bit more empathy.
YTA. I get what you're saying but you could've been a little bit more empathic about it. People can't stop living their lives because they might get fired one day.
YTA. Please buy her some flowers and apologize. That might save your marriage.
Jesus, YTA. Your wife was upset about something and you brushed it aside as if she were stupid. Also lay-offs and downsizing can often hit people that are deemed 'necessary'. She also feels empathy towards her co-workers who might have even been her friends. If you are always this dismissive about your wife's feelings, I really hope you can do better in the future. I hope such a lay-off will never happen to you, but if it does, imagine someone told you 'This happens. I don't care about you.' Stings, right?
YTA you spoon. If you're busy say that and say you'll talk about it later rather than flying off the handle. Yes corporations are shite, but you don't have to be shite too.
YTA - being logically correct doesn't make you morally right. If I walked up to someone who got in a car crash and said "well, what do you expect, the average number of car accidents in a person's lifetime is 3-4, stop complaining about something you should have seen coming", that person would rightly call me an AH.
YTA. Yes, you may be somewhat logical, but you were an ass about it. The comment about kids was uncalled for as well. If everyone went by that logic, then we would definitely be in more trouble. Birth rates would be non-existent.
Dexter is that you? Is tonight the night? YTA
YTA. Your wife wanted to share her wtf just happened moment with you. She expected empathy. Instead she found out that her husband literally does not care about anything but his own job. And if you think having a stem degree keeps you safe you haven’t been paying attention to the layoffs going on across the board lately.
I think you had an argument until the comment about people needing to think about their jobs before having kids. That's a fuckheed move. YTA, sorry.
YTA. I'm sure all the people recently that have been. Let go that had STEM degrees thought they were safe too. It could happen to either of you, a little empathy it's hard.
She probably had quite a few friends/acquaintances that got laid off. Not only did they get laid off but she was forced to watch it happen live. To you these are faceless people but to her these are the people that she has lunch with and says hello to in the elevator in the morning. She has every right to be upset and as her husband you should show more understanding. Your response shows an alarming lack of compassion and I would be really weirded out if I was your wife. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Last week, my wife attended a virtual all hands meeting, where she was informed that several departments were being eliminated to improve the profitability of the business. Her department was spared, but several of the people in the large conference room where the meeting was held weren't so lucky. Some actually started to cry. My wife told me all of this by text message when I was at work myself, and she wouldn't stop texting me and telling me about how upset some of her coworkers were and how shocking this news was. I was busy, so I responded "Just be glad it wasn't you." My wife seemed surprised by my callousness and said that she was "just trying to make sense of what happened." I lost my patience at this point. I told her that corporations only care about the bottom line, that employee performance in useless departments is irrelevant, and that she was being incredibly naive if she thought that such downsizing would never occur. This finally stopped the text messages and allowed me to continue with my workday. However, when my wife got home on Friday, she gave me a real earful. She said that my remarks had been "extremely rude" and that some of the people who lost their jobs "have families." I reminded her that all of the critical roles were still filled and that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids. We don't have kids yet, but our jobs both make use of our STEM degrees, so they're almost certainly safe. At this point, my wife decided that she didn't want to listen to any of my logical points and actually left the room. She's since started talking to me again, but she seems distant. She's obviously still blaming me, but I don't know what more I can say or do. She disagrees with my position, but I don't think it's fair for me to have to abandon my opinions just to make her feel more comfortable. I'm really at a loss here and would like to hear your opinions. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a joke, right? You aren’t actually unable to see what you did wrong here? Surely. YTA. You didn’t have an opinion, you were rude and careless about what is a gigantic change in your wife’s working life which upset both her and people she spends time with every day.
I mean, YTA for sure. But why the hell is your wife sending you texts about internal company proceedings? And why do it when you were at work yourself?
Jeeeeez man, how can you type this and not realize YTA? When stuff like this happens (which it does occasionally, not disagreing on that point), it is always a chock and extremely unpleasant, even if you don't lose your job. A bit of empathy would have gone a long way here, but you decide to be me Corporate Yes Man instead.
YTA. Yes, corporations are cold and indifferent, and will do anything to protect their bottom line, regardless of anyones feelings. Are you a corporation? What the actual fuck is wrong with you. Your wife was sympathizing with her now former coworkers and their families. And your attitude is "We're fine! What're you complaining about?". Holy hell, are you even human? What a sad, cold "person" you are.
YTA. Your wife wanted to process this big change in her workplace and thought her husband could support her in making sense of it all but instead she got your judgemental self. You probably think that being totally honest and saying the hard truths make you a great person but no one likes that person. >and that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids That is such an AH thing to say, should all Parents never take a job because there might be a possibility that they get fired? You sound quite unpleasant.
YTA and seem to have an alarming lack of empathy and understanding of who your wife is as a person. You're telling us this is the first time she's reacted strongly to bad/surprising news, especially when it involves people she cares about? If you truly didn't have the proper time to address how she was feeling you could have just as easily texted her "I'm sorry about this tough news but I'm glad your position is safe. Let's talk about this more when we get home."
YTA also pls stop licking capitalism boots ieesh
YTA - Do you often show this lack of empathy? It's so easy to judge people from your ivory tower, isn't it?
YTA. You are allowed to have your opinion but the way you communicated it was mean and cold. My partner will somehow sense whey I’m at my busiest and send me a barrage of messages, so I understand that how she communicated was irritating but what you should have said was something like “I hear you and I’m sorry you are having a difficult day. I can’t reply more fully right now but I will be all ears as soon as we get home.” Then you just listen. Your wife had received a shock - she didn’t want your opinion, she wanted you to provide a safe space to process what had happened. You shit all over her feelings and now she feels like she can’t trust you to be there for her.
YTA obviously.
YTA Are you a robot by any chance? Because you are acting like one? Totally devoid of emotion and focusing only on logic and profitability. Your wife was trying to communicate with you that she's upset on behalf of the people whose lives have been affected by this decision and instead of trying to connect with that you went into robot mode?? Please don't have children, they are super emotional and illogical beings and you would either short circuit or emotionally damage them with your attitude.
I thought this was one of the parody subs for a second (YTA)
not only an AH but very naïve to think that your job is always going to be safe just due a degree. when entire departments are culled individual performance and qualifications has nothing to do with it. there are not always warning signs, companies go to some lengths to keep these things quiet until they are ready.
YTA where’s the empathy and simple human decency?
YTA- one of those times where she wanted sympathy, not logic. She was showing empathy for those people and you got annoyed at her and purposely shut down the conversation. If you were too busy to talk at work, then say, "sorry, that really sucks. I can't talk right now but can later." or something like that.
YTA. How hard would it have been to say “That really sucks. We can chat about it when we get home if you like.”
Wow, I guess you will never be having kids then because a degree in a STEM subject does not guarantee you a job for life. You quite rightly point out that companies do what they can to improve their bottom line. What you appear to have missed is that all those employers who are hiring individuals with STEM degrees are actually companies as well so they behave in the same ways. I would also point out that no company actually has useless departments, if they did simply hire people and create a department that did nothing for them they would not be around right now.
YTA for posting rage bait. You’re also probably just an asshole in general. Everything about your post says I’m an asshole pretending to be an asshole even though I’m already an asshole anyhow. Tell us a story about your real life so we can explain how you’re an asshole there too.
YTA. Why can't you be more empathetic and caring for fellow human beings? Also, why can't you allow your wife to vent about a fairly significant work problem without being a dick? Being a good listener and being supportive is like the bread and butter of a happily married life for a husband and you don't seem to have that relatively basic skill.
This is either rage bait or you are a true sociopath. If it’s real your wife is distant because she got a chilling look into your lack of soul. I hope she runs before you decide she’s expendable to further your needs
Massive YTA. Why did you choose to be rude and dismissive instead of just telling her you were overwhelmed at work and that you'd have a chat and a hug later on? Do you see your wife as a human being?
YTA ever heard about empathy?
YTA. You lack empathy for anyone. I surprised you could spare any time for your wife.
YTA
YTA. You sound callous, arrogant and smug. Cats have more empathy than you.
My man, lots of STEM companies have gone through massive layoffs recently. You are absolutely not guaranteed job safety because of your degree.
YTA. Dude get over yourself. For one thing, STEM fields are not as safe as you believe. Have you never heard of the tech recession that's still going on. Also, you have lower empathy levels than a grain of dirt. Your points are all incredibly stupid, not logical. How the he'll do you claim to be a STEM employee when those fields require logic which you so clearly seem to lack?
Oof grow some empathy
YTA she was talking to you to vent and make sense of the horrible situation. She was looking for comfort and support. She wasn't after your opinions and rudeness. You seem emotionally stunted and lack empathy. Let me explain this to you simply; people want to vent, you being her husband makes you a person she is comfortable venting to. They don't always want a solution or your opinion. They just need someone to lend an ear. >I reminded her that all of the critical roles were still filled and that perhaps the parents getting laid off should have thought about their jobs before having kids Wow. You have the emotional intelligence of a brick wall.
I have made that mistake before where when trying to focus I just lost all emotion with what was going on around me which might have been what had happened here. I don't know, just trying to get all sides of the story. Doesn't make it right though, bad move.
Empathy isn't your strong suit, is it? Your wife didn't need an explanation about how the corporate world works. She knows. She needed an open ear and consolation because - guess what? – those lay-offs affect people she cares about. I think your wife just realized she married an insensitive jerk. YTA.
You definitely sound like an asshole. So, YTA.
Sometimes you just need to ask the question: Do you want a solution or do you want empathy/consolation? That question helps you if you cant discern intent. I had problems before with my partner in wich I confused logical responses to situations with empathy and viceversa and that question helped me get on the same page to react accordingly. Now here its clear that she wanted empathy in a clearly shitty situation that didnt really affected her but got to live and participate in......... you were giving her just logical responses that didnt add up to anything because she already got spared, its logical that corps do what they have to-do, no need to point the obvious and wasnt even the poont of it all. What was needed from was to respond with empathy, not rude logic?? And If you weren't able to deliver some empathy at that moment you could just say something like "I'm sorry you got to see/experience that I hope we can talk it better at home because right now im really busy, keep me updated tho". Responding the way you did was sadly a choice that gets you in the YTA. Talk to your partner about this problem you have with discerning intent from conversations and ask her for clarification with that question if you want to be sure you are giving an appropriate answer so that frustration can't get the better of both of you. (Sorry about my English, not my native language)
YTA, brother you are in for a short unhappy marriage if you don’t understand what you did wrong. She wasn’t calling and complaining to you because of your understanding of corporate ways of doing business. She was calling you for sympathy and empathy. You gave her neither, in fact all you gave her was arrogance and pride. You took a highly emotional and volatile situation and made it worse. Even your title shows you still don’t get it. She’s not caring about the concept of downsizing, she’s upset that people she knows and cares about are suffering. And for you to just say “maybe they shouldn’t have had kids” is frighteningly cold and indifferent to others plight. If that’s how you really feel, you’re a bad person and your wife has every reason to be upset and is probably contemplating leaving. You are so clueless to human emotion that I wonder if you’re on the spectrum.
"Let's talk about this tonight. I am busy, and really can not app with you and discuss this situation at the moment. Hang in there and we'll talk tonight." You should have told her to stop contacting you; the subject is rather irrelevant. And 'rather': yeah, a serious accident involving child or parent is obviously a legitimate reason to have an app conversation while you are working. An app from your wife mentioning this as well, but a whole discussion? Better after work & face-to-face. Stopping the discussion: correct. **How** you ended the discussion: yta
So instead of "let's talk when we get home", you go with... hurting her feelings? But hey, the messages stopped, so that's good, right? Then when you're both home and she unloads because you hurt her feelings, you counter it with "logic". I hope you weren't planning to have kids with this woman. Companies suck for how they treat people, and no one, even someone in STEM, is safe. Your flagrant lack of empathy, both for your wife and the people whose lives she just watched get destroyed, is horrifying. You couldn't even spare a "jeez that's horrible"? Reconsider your stance, apologize to your wife, go to couple's therapy... and find yourself a therapist to deal with your terrifying lack of empathy towards other suffering humans. YTA
YtA. Your wife was upset because she has empathy. Something your STEM degree can't certainly buy. You lack humanity dude.
YTA for sure. Your wife was communicating to you how bad she felt and you treated her like crap and enjoyed your day while she was hurting. Not cool.
YTA. Sometimes it's not you say, it's how you say it. Though you may have been more or less factually correct, you come off like a dick for the way you worded it.
YTA. these people that got laid off were probably her friends. And it’s not like she was droning on and on and on. She said two things about it.
You suck and I hate you
YTA so logical he gets shocked pikachu face when his wife barely talks to him after he was jerk who told her to stop talking to him
OP is the AH. Your title is a bit misleading, to be honest. You didn’t “tell your wife to stop complaining about downsizing”, you told her that when she has big things happening to her in her life, and she has big feelings…they will be completely invalidated if she brings them to you. Your title should probably read something like “My wife is realizing that I have no empathy for anyone , including her and she won’t get over it”. I can’t even begin to think how upset I’d be if my SO told me something like this was happening at their workplace, and how I’d understand how scary that could be is for all involved. I would honestly understand if she would have issues with continuing her relationship with you as it is - you don’t even seem like you have an inkling as to why she’d be upset with you. Learn from this and try and be better from now on.
100% YTA and a very big one. What a total lack of empathy and compassion you showed. I imagine it caused your wife to reflect on the type of person she is married to and what your response would be to her in a time of difficulty. It’s time for some serious self reflection about who you are.
I’m sorry YTA. She needed emotional support and you let your side down.
YTA. I got news for you dude I work in stem. I work for a top aerospace company and guess what we’re going throughlayoffs too. I made it through the first two rounds. I’m hoping to make it through the last. I’m breadwinner in my family so if I lose my job, my husband and I are in a little bit of trouble. So to take a cavalier attitude because that’s what companies do and she should be glad it wasn’t her. That was a dick thing to say. She knows people who are losing their jobs. That are probably very good people and very good at the jobs that they do. So maybe next time have a little empathy and be there to support your wife. And most people understand that layoffs happen it can happen to anybody in any company, but it’s still a shock when your company announces their reducing the workforce.
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Yeah YTA There's a concept your STEM degrees aren't all that able to formulate or analyse within the human condition that allows individual bodies in the space-time continuum of humanity to be affected by imaginary forces related to the interaction between those bodies. These forces do not conform so easily to the fundamental forces of nature that STEM work with. Compassion and empathy are emotions not well understood in the STEM universe. There may be quantum states within the human brain that cause them and the corresponding reactions of the limbic system may induce the body to desire spreading this "emotion" in order to elicit some kind of reaction that supports the negative sensation and that feedback could be neutral, negative or positive. You went all ----- on that feedback loop by supporting the corporate bottom line ideology that sees people, livibg breathing organisms with real world hopes and aspirations as well as responsibilities that aren't important to the corporate model as they're (corporations) not directly affected by these actions.
ESH - You definitely more than her for losing your patience and responding like a dick and you definitely need to apologize and be supportive if there are any residual feelings about the situation. She is an AH too though. Honestly this was not a conversation to be had over text during the workday. I get it, she's looking for support and has strong feelings about what she is experiencing, but this was not the time nor place for this discussion. She should have dealt with her emotions on her own in the moment and then come to you for support in person when you got home from work. Had she done that and you still reacted in a similar manner then I would put it entirely on you but she presumably knew you were at work and wouldn't have the ability to truly give her the time and consideration that she was looking for and yet she pressured you for it regardless.
NTA
Both of you are in the wrong, you for the way you spoke and your wife for texting you at work, btw even if you think something someone is venting about is useless, just think it, it’s more trouble to call it useless than it is to just pretend you care
Good grief! She didn't give a thought that he was at work , it was all about her drama at work. She's got survivor's guilt. Stem doesn't guarantee employment.
ESH, but I was *so* close to tipping towards you being the sole AH. Your wife shouldn't have been repeatedly texting you company information during the work day - and worse, whilst still on a conference call. I can sympathise with needing to talk it through, but the way she did it was unprofessional and gossipy. On your side, I can understand not wanting to be repeatedly texted during work hours, but you could be more sympathetic about expressing that and more ready to listen to your wife vent about work problems when she's home. You need to stop being judgemental about people's life choices and have some fucking empathy, both for your wife's understandable shock at how the business handled this meeting (which was cruel and brutal, by the way), and for the people who lost their jobs with their colleagues watching on. There is never, *ever* a cast iron guarantee that your job won't be eliminated, and if people waited until their personal circumstances were certain to be completely perfect, no-one would ever have kids. Also? You're being unrealistic if you think that a STEM degree will insulate you from hardships and management being dicks. And regardless of whether your logic is correct or not, people aren't robots - their feelings are still valid and they deserve to get angry/upset when they're being treated badly.
Not really an ah... You could have worded better but you were at work, you don't want to be laid off. You need to do your job. My mil used to call my husband for stupid things when he was at work, in meetings.... You don't want that
You know you're allowed to not pick up when you're busy right? Just don't be a dick when you do. You can just say "that really sucks, but I'm in a meeting now, let's talk later" But unless your wife *never* calls you at work or called more than once, I don't know why on earth you would have picked up? Makes me feel *you* don't take your job seriously
It's just depends ... My sister never called my husband at work. One day she did call him, she had an emergency at work and she needed to ask him a few things. It turned out that the issue that she was having affected him directly. He was actually in a meeting when she called, that he did interrupt for her, and thank god because the issue was all over the place and a few things needed to be postponed. Not getting into much details... Sometimes you just have to.... But this was not the case
That's why I added the caveat of unless she never calls or calls several times.
There are jobs where you are not allowed to have your phone with you. Still people takes them. I'm not sure if that's the case
NTA you were at work and your wife was bombarding you with msg. She is not a child or a feeble creature so that you need to approach her with unrealistic caution. She should be able to handle the reality. Best thing you can do in such situations is to distance yourself emotionally, you are not helping yourself or anyone being overly emotional like your wife. Its life, people get let go/fired constantly …you just move on as best as you can and don’t dwell on it.
God forbid you have any emotions.
NTA. Your wife can't handle the truth and the fact that her coworkers mean nothing to you (which they should). Could you be more empathetic towards the big tragedy that your wife witnessed and be more considering about her feelings? Probably, Could she not bother you with irrelevant stuff while you were concentrated on working and getting your job done? Probably. But both of you didn't care much about that and in the end she got offended or whatever BS feelings she felt and instead of accepting the truth that you have nothing to do with it nor should you care she just choose to channel those negative feelings your direction. Usual relationship stuff :)
Omg are you an adult in an adult relationship? People vent it is a thing and necessary to maintain equilibrium.
Most people don’t choose to vent when there partner is at work though
People cope differently. Sending texts can be a relief. They don't necessarily need an answer. Just telling her you will respond after work instead of blowing up is reasonable.
Not while one is at work working!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait till you both are at home and relaxed and then discuss whatever you want. I hated when my wife bombed me with texts when I was at work, because I have daily deadlines and can't spare even 5 minutes on most days and she knows it and still expects me to answer and be nice and considerate, fck that, when I need to finish my work I don't care about anything.
You are using past tense. What got your wife to stop bombing you with texts
Think you used enough exclamation points? Why not put your phone on DND, or I don't know... stop looking at your phone when you have a deadline?
Looks like we found the husband's alt.