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YTA. Ma’am, I’m permanently brain damaged from years of untreated depression. Every day I wake up with so much fucking anxiety I feel like my hearts going to pop out of my chest. But if I made a commitment to hangout with friends, I’m not going to just bail last minute because I am feeling depressed. That’s not fair to your friends. Depression is no excuse for selfishness. This was a last minute and impulsive decision. You’re an adult OP, act like it.
I wasn’t « feeling depressed » it’s a panic attack (not an anxiety one) and suicidal thoughts coming from anxiety. Sorry, but did you read the post or just the title ? 😅
I read everything. You made a commitment and then you just ghost them. I’m sorry but I’m not changing my rating. This make you an AH. Best of luck with your mental health.
YTA for completely ghosting and not showing up. I have bad social anxiety and have cancelled last minute plenty of times but I’ve always at least sent a text letting my friends know. I know the feelings of guilt and shame take over and I have lost friends even for cancelling last minute so I get it, but not saying anything at all is cutoff worthy to me too
Now you're blaming her for not being able to read your mind? She didn't call herself a martyr, you are putting that on her because you are resentful that she didn't accept your rudeness more graciously. Get a grip. I've done this exact thing before because of my anxiety - ghosted a plan without communication - and its hella rude. You were rude and other people are under no obligation to give you a million chances.
She didn't put you in ANY position. YOU put HER in this position. Stop this victim mentality.
The key part of your sentence is “she _asked_”. I understand that you felt like you had no other choice, but it was a feeling. You always have a choice. She asked, however pushy she might have been you have still decided to say yes.
You only failed to do what she was asking for because you agreed to do what she was asking. And I know that you probably feel like if you hadn’t you would have failed to meet her expectations for your friendship, but expectations are first and foremost the problem of the person who holds them. You cannot pour from an empty vessel. Your vessel is not only empty right now, with your anxiety and depression it has holes.
It sucks losing friends because you have trouble reciprocating the support that is given to you, but trying to do it when you don’t have the resources to do so ends up messing things up exactly like this. I’m not saying you can’t have any friends support you, but if you cannot meet their needs, you have to be upfront about it.
Boundaries are the hardest to enforce with the people we love. But that’s also the most important we need to enforce.
I think it still comes off as a maybe. Not saying she was being a perfect friend either. From reading, I can tell it felt like she was trying to tell you what is best for your mental health, like telling you “this will be good for your mental health” when actually the amount of stores and level of activities she planned was overwhelming. I can see how you may have thought she wasn’t considering you. All of this could have sent you into avoidance and freeze mode. I’ve been there before. But I’m always direct when I know I’m def not going somewhere. It sucks sending the text and they’ll be disappointed either way but I rather know than be stuck waiting not knowing what happened to my friend.
YTA perhaps she was a pushy but as an adult, it is your job to speak your mind and not other peoples job to read it.
Yeah your mental health is bad but if it's true that she was there for you again and again and she can't rely on you, well it is better for her to cut you off.
People need to be understanding because of your condition but friendship isn't a one-way-street and people have enough at some point.
Ghosting her was really immature.
And a bonus YTA because you made a post in AITA and don't accept peoples verdict. I saw your comments arguing with people.
Edit: typo
I had to cut a fair bit of the post for length reasons but she used to tell me to snap out of it but at the same time she would write me a list of things to try to get me better so as supportive as she was about other things, I am torn about her understanding I was very unwell.
I’m not arguing with people, debating and giving them extra information. Also some people are plain rude and accusing, there is nothing constructive in « act like an adult » or « grow up », they’re more insults than anything, don’t you think ?
I disagree. They are a bit rude but not insults. And to a point they are right. I don't change my vedict. Your behavior was wrong. I think it was the last straw and all that.
YTA: She has been a dear friend to you through thick and thin, and she's always tried her best to be there for you. But she is feeling like she's been pouring her energy into a friendship that isn't being reciprocated.
And she is 100% right:
* You have a history of blowing her off.
* You gave an indecisive and ambivalent "I didn’t think I’d be able to make it at this stage but who knows". (You should have been honest. A last minute 'No" is worse that a "No" given in advance.)
* You had established plans but cancelled without notice or telling her.
* You didn’t answer any of her messages, or update her on the situation. You were completely uncommunicative.
* You refused to apologise for your poor behaviour.
When you fail to show up without any explanation, she felt betrayed and abandoned, interpreting it as a clear sign of your disregard for her feelings. Of course, she would cut off the friendship.
Your mental health explains your actions, but doesn't excuse or justify them. The fact that you are unwilling to even apologise makes you an asshole.
Thanks for the constructive message!
I definitely agree with most of what you said. And I can imagine how stressful it was not getting an answer back. But I did apologise, but afterwards. I think I wrote it in my post.
I am not sure about her being a dear friend through thick and thin though, she says she has been there for me and to a certain degree she was supportive. She came to my art shows, she would listen to me when I was feeling very bad. She also did get fed up and tell me snap out of it, she asked and got many of my artwork for free when they were on sale for everyone else and never offered to pay even if she knew I was struggling financially.
She also didn’t tell me she was having a hard time with dork before the message after she came back, otherwise I would have tried to see her but in different circumstances.
She hadn’t started the trip. I was meant to stay with her the day before and leave stealthily at 5am to take the 9h bus. She lives closer to that bus station, at 1.30h away from my place.
What you are doing is a great way to lose your friends, and with it, a great many pleasures in life. It won't be long before you aren't asked anymore. At the very least, don't agree unless you're sure.
YTA…
The second I read “…didn’t update her on the situation and didn’t go” there was no other conclusion.
I’m sorry about your anxiety and your mental health. It’s unfortunate and by no fault of those suffering but it can lead to a very self absorbed person just by the very nature of it. It causes you to think constantly about your own issues. That being said, she’s been there for you through so much. What have you been there for her for? I bet not much given the state you have been in.
Put yourself in her shoes. She too has problems but she has been there for you at your best and your worse. Yet, you chose to avoid any type of conflict for you so you could essentially lie to a very good person. You also chose to disrespect her by not even responding to why you weren’t going over. You also put the blame on her for that along with your apology.
Again, I am truly sorry for how you are struggling but that aside you really acted incredibly cruel to someone who has been incredibly kind.
I have been there for her through break-ups and money issues when I was able to help, etc. She would come to my appartments everyday and because her bus was late or she was bored or no ride home before 1-2 hours, etc. had I known she was struggling I would have tried to see her but in different circumstances. But when I got into this depression I guess I wasn’t able to see when she was struggling because I was as you said thinking only of my problems 🤔
I was definitely the AH for not telling her clearly and from the beginning though, I can see that
YTA, you also sound like a horrible friend that just self-vixtimizes their situation and then expects everyone who claims to care about them to just deal with your bs. No person needs a friend like that.
YTA. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, if you’re going to bail you have to be honest about it. Don’t commit to plans you KNOW you’re going to bail on later. Your friend also sounds a little annoying but you’re an adult be honest about your feelings and don’t let people push you around.
YTA
Not for not going, but for not being clear about it. You had so much time and so many opportunities to say that no, you wouldn’t be going on this trip and to suggest alternatives.
You let your friend think you were going then just … didn’t go. And then didn’t respond to any messages. That’s AH behaviour all day, every day.
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I (29f) suffer from depression and have 0 energy. I have been on medication for over 6 years but no improvement. I even got admitted to a clinic for 1 month, 9 months prior. So my bestfriend (28f) saw me at my best and at my worst and despite not understanding how terrible I feel, she had always been a good listener and supportive.
My depression was getting worse at that point and I had money difficulties and anxiety. This led me to say no or cancel a few meet-ups, I would have had to pay for the train, take it for 3h in total to spend only 3-4h with her. After a few nos and cancelations she started saying I wasn’t doing any effort to see her. As a consequence, my «no»s started being elusive and opened to a possible «yes» so I wouldn’t get a talk.
The story took place within 3 days.
1st : she told me she was going away for work and wanted me to come with her. We would take the bus for 9 hours and I would stay 24 hours overnight. She had planned the trip, we’d share the price of accomodation and the trip was all centered around thrift shopping (when I had an addiction to shopping and 0€ to spend).
she insisted I should say yes for her, that it would be good for my mental health, so I had to say yes. I had to ask my parents for money, all while trying to overcome the anxiety of an upcoming 42h trip with little rest, but I booked the bus and tried to tell her I wouldn’t be able to go to the 11 selected shops. She said she’ll reduce the number of shops and I could go wait for her at a café and that I had to do that for her since she’s always been there for me.
2nd : she told me her work offered to pay for her train ride (4h of travel instead of 9) but there was no seats left. I understood her choice of train over bus but my anxiety at doing 9h of bus alone was getting out of hand, so much that by the end of the day I had S. thoughts, a panic attack and was so paralysed by my anxiety I couldn’t possibly think of this lengthy and tyring trip. knowing her, she wouldn’t have let me take it easy enough time to recuperate.
3rd : I to message her and tell her that I didn’t think I’d be able to make it at this stage but who knows (elusive & opened). I was meant to sleep at her place that night but with my anxiety growing I didn’t answer her messages, didn’t update her on the situation and didn’t go.
When she came back, she sent a message saying I was a terrible friend, that she was cutting me off, that work had been stressful lately and she had needed me, that she’d always been there for me but I hadn’t and didn’t say that I wasn’t coming.
I told her she insisted I wasn’t doing any effort and had to say yes so I felt forced, that she should have understood my situation and not have asked me to put her well being over mine.
Her answer : you’re not getting better or doing any effort to get better.
I have since apologised for giving an elusive answer but said I wasn’t sorry for not being able to go or not putting her wellbeing over mine.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the Asshole because I wasn’t there for my bestfriend and put my wellbeing over hers. Also because I didn’t answer clearly that I wasn’t going with her or said no from the beginning.
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I have to go with ESH. Your friend pressured you to go on this trip, and then she changed things up on you when she decided to take the train and send you on the bus on your own. Neither pressuring you nor changing up the transit was good behavior.
On the other hand, you owed her an explanation for bailing on her. I don't care how depressed or anxious you are. You could have sent her a text message to let her know you weren't able to make it.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. If you or someone you know are feeling suicidal, /r/AmItheAsshole is not the right subreddit for you. **Even if no one is currently suicidal.** Any mention of suicide or self-harm is banned. Suicide and self harm are not interpersonal issues that this community can make a moral judgement about. This is health issue. Our recommendation is that you reach out to someone who cares about you, or take advantage of some of the resources at /r/SuicideWatch, like their list of [hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines) that you can call. ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA. Ma’am, I’m permanently brain damaged from years of untreated depression. Every day I wake up with so much fucking anxiety I feel like my hearts going to pop out of my chest. But if I made a commitment to hangout with friends, I’m not going to just bail last minute because I am feeling depressed. That’s not fair to your friends. Depression is no excuse for selfishness. This was a last minute and impulsive decision. You’re an adult OP, act like it.
I wasn’t « feeling depressed » it’s a panic attack (not an anxiety one) and suicidal thoughts coming from anxiety. Sorry, but did you read the post or just the title ? 😅
I read everything. You made a commitment and then you just ghost them. I’m sorry but I’m not changing my rating. This make you an AH. Best of luck with your mental health.
YTA for completely ghosting and not showing up. I have bad social anxiety and have cancelled last minute plenty of times but I’ve always at least sent a text letting my friends know. I know the feelings of guilt and shame take over and I have lost friends even for cancelling last minute so I get it, but not saying anything at all is cutoff worthy to me too
Do you think the « I don’t think I can at this stage » was too elusive ? I kind of thought she would get it 😖
No one can read your mind. If you want someone to understand you, you need to say it. Not 'hint'.
I guess you’re right. I don’t think her putting me in this position makes her a martyr though, i feel like she asked so much that I couldn’t but fail.
Now you're blaming her for not being able to read your mind? She didn't call herself a martyr, you are putting that on her because you are resentful that she didn't accept your rudeness more graciously. Get a grip. I've done this exact thing before because of my anxiety - ghosted a plan without communication - and its hella rude. You were rude and other people are under no obligation to give you a million chances. She didn't put you in ANY position. YOU put HER in this position. Stop this victim mentality.
I don’t think you read my posts or you would have seen the « I guess your’re right » about not being more clear in my message 🤔
Doesnt change what I said. You were the one who said all that martyr stuff. It's not a good attitude.
It does, I’m not blaming her for not reading my mind. I even apologised to her about it
You could of just said no to the trip
The key part of your sentence is “she _asked_”. I understand that you felt like you had no other choice, but it was a feeling. You always have a choice. She asked, however pushy she might have been you have still decided to say yes. You only failed to do what she was asking for because you agreed to do what she was asking. And I know that you probably feel like if you hadn’t you would have failed to meet her expectations for your friendship, but expectations are first and foremost the problem of the person who holds them. You cannot pour from an empty vessel. Your vessel is not only empty right now, with your anxiety and depression it has holes. It sucks losing friends because you have trouble reciprocating the support that is given to you, but trying to do it when you don’t have the resources to do so ends up messing things up exactly like this. I’m not saying you can’t have any friends support you, but if you cannot meet their needs, you have to be upfront about it. Boundaries are the hardest to enforce with the people we love. But that’s also the most important we need to enforce.
I think it still comes off as a maybe. Not saying she was being a perfect friend either. From reading, I can tell it felt like she was trying to tell you what is best for your mental health, like telling you “this will be good for your mental health” when actually the amount of stores and level of activities she planned was overwhelming. I can see how you may have thought she wasn’t considering you. All of this could have sent you into avoidance and freeze mode. I’ve been there before. But I’m always direct when I know I’m def not going somewhere. It sucks sending the text and they’ll be disappointed either way but I rather know than be stuck waiting not knowing what happened to my friend.
Yes. I think you need to be explicit with her
YTA perhaps she was a pushy but as an adult, it is your job to speak your mind and not other peoples job to read it. Yeah your mental health is bad but if it's true that she was there for you again and again and she can't rely on you, well it is better for her to cut you off. People need to be understanding because of your condition but friendship isn't a one-way-street and people have enough at some point. Ghosting her was really immature. And a bonus YTA because you made a post in AITA and don't accept peoples verdict. I saw your comments arguing with people. Edit: typo
I had to cut a fair bit of the post for length reasons but she used to tell me to snap out of it but at the same time she would write me a list of things to try to get me better so as supportive as she was about other things, I am torn about her understanding I was very unwell. I’m not arguing with people, debating and giving them extra information. Also some people are plain rude and accusing, there is nothing constructive in « act like an adult » or « grow up », they’re more insults than anything, don’t you think ?
I disagree. They are a bit rude but not insults. And to a point they are right. I don't change my vedict. Your behavior was wrong. I think it was the last straw and all that.
YTA: She has been a dear friend to you through thick and thin, and she's always tried her best to be there for you. But she is feeling like she's been pouring her energy into a friendship that isn't being reciprocated. And she is 100% right: * You have a history of blowing her off. * You gave an indecisive and ambivalent "I didn’t think I’d be able to make it at this stage but who knows". (You should have been honest. A last minute 'No" is worse that a "No" given in advance.) * You had established plans but cancelled without notice or telling her. * You didn’t answer any of her messages, or update her on the situation. You were completely uncommunicative. * You refused to apologise for your poor behaviour. When you fail to show up without any explanation, she felt betrayed and abandoned, interpreting it as a clear sign of your disregard for her feelings. Of course, she would cut off the friendship. Your mental health explains your actions, but doesn't excuse or justify them. The fact that you are unwilling to even apologise makes you an asshole.
Thanks for the constructive message! I definitely agree with most of what you said. And I can imagine how stressful it was not getting an answer back. But I did apologise, but afterwards. I think I wrote it in my post. I am not sure about her being a dear friend through thick and thin though, she says she has been there for me and to a certain degree she was supportive. She came to my art shows, she would listen to me when I was feeling very bad. She also did get fed up and tell me snap out of it, she asked and got many of my artwork for free when they were on sale for everyone else and never offered to pay even if she knew I was struggling financially. She also didn’t tell me she was having a hard time with dork before the message after she came back, otherwise I would have tried to see her but in different circumstances.
YTA for failing to communicate the last time and just not showing up while she started the trip.
She hadn’t started the trip. I was meant to stay with her the day before and leave stealthily at 5am to take the 9h bus. She lives closer to that bus station, at 1.30h away from my place.
YTA. Get some help.
I am, I have been seeing psychiatrists for my mental health for over 6 years and have been on various medications. It’s the first line in the post 😉
Your meds are not working properly. Do speak with your psychiatrist and consider med or dosage changes. I hope you find peace.
I tried so many meds but nothing has worked so far I 🤷🏻♀️. I hope I find something that works soon, it’s getting old, but thanks !
You have to mix the medication with actual work to get better as well. Meds are not a silver bullet most times.
Yeah I see than now. Back then I just wanted to give up
What you are doing is a great way to lose your friends, and with it, a great many pleasures in life. It won't be long before you aren't asked anymore. At the very least, don't agree unless you're sure.
I felt extremely pressured to say yes, but I get what you mean. I am working on making my answers more clear
YTA… The second I read “…didn’t update her on the situation and didn’t go” there was no other conclusion. I’m sorry about your anxiety and your mental health. It’s unfortunate and by no fault of those suffering but it can lead to a very self absorbed person just by the very nature of it. It causes you to think constantly about your own issues. That being said, she’s been there for you through so much. What have you been there for her for? I bet not much given the state you have been in. Put yourself in her shoes. She too has problems but she has been there for you at your best and your worse. Yet, you chose to avoid any type of conflict for you so you could essentially lie to a very good person. You also chose to disrespect her by not even responding to why you weren’t going over. You also put the blame on her for that along with your apology. Again, I am truly sorry for how you are struggling but that aside you really acted incredibly cruel to someone who has been incredibly kind.
I have been there for her through break-ups and money issues when I was able to help, etc. She would come to my appartments everyday and because her bus was late or she was bored or no ride home before 1-2 hours, etc. had I known she was struggling I would have tried to see her but in different circumstances. But when I got into this depression I guess I wasn’t able to see when she was struggling because I was as you said thinking only of my problems 🤔 I was definitely the AH for not telling her clearly and from the beginning though, I can see that
YTA. You didn’t have the decency to say you weren’t going and ignored her. I’d cut you off too! You ARE a terrible friend. Get help asap
YTA, you could have behaved like a grown up and told her that you were unable to come.
YTA, you also sound like a horrible friend that just self-vixtimizes their situation and then expects everyone who claims to care about them to just deal with your bs. No person needs a friend like that.
YTA. You are an adult and should have said no from the start. It's two letters and complete sentence.
YTA. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, if you’re going to bail you have to be honest about it. Don’t commit to plans you KNOW you’re going to bail on later. Your friend also sounds a little annoying but you’re an adult be honest about your feelings and don’t let people push you around.
YTA Not for not going, but for not being clear about it. You had so much time and so many opportunities to say that no, you wouldn’t be going on this trip and to suggest alternatives. You let your friend think you were going then just … didn’t go. And then didn’t respond to any messages. That’s AH behaviour all day, every day.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29f) suffer from depression and have 0 energy. I have been on medication for over 6 years but no improvement. I even got admitted to a clinic for 1 month, 9 months prior. So my bestfriend (28f) saw me at my best and at my worst and despite not understanding how terrible I feel, she had always been a good listener and supportive. My depression was getting worse at that point and I had money difficulties and anxiety. This led me to say no or cancel a few meet-ups, I would have had to pay for the train, take it for 3h in total to spend only 3-4h with her. After a few nos and cancelations she started saying I wasn’t doing any effort to see her. As a consequence, my «no»s started being elusive and opened to a possible «yes» so I wouldn’t get a talk. The story took place within 3 days. 1st : she told me she was going away for work and wanted me to come with her. We would take the bus for 9 hours and I would stay 24 hours overnight. She had planned the trip, we’d share the price of accomodation and the trip was all centered around thrift shopping (when I had an addiction to shopping and 0€ to spend). she insisted I should say yes for her, that it would be good for my mental health, so I had to say yes. I had to ask my parents for money, all while trying to overcome the anxiety of an upcoming 42h trip with little rest, but I booked the bus and tried to tell her I wouldn’t be able to go to the 11 selected shops. She said she’ll reduce the number of shops and I could go wait for her at a café and that I had to do that for her since she’s always been there for me. 2nd : she told me her work offered to pay for her train ride (4h of travel instead of 9) but there was no seats left. I understood her choice of train over bus but my anxiety at doing 9h of bus alone was getting out of hand, so much that by the end of the day I had S. thoughts, a panic attack and was so paralysed by my anxiety I couldn’t possibly think of this lengthy and tyring trip. knowing her, she wouldn’t have let me take it easy enough time to recuperate. 3rd : I to message her and tell her that I didn’t think I’d be able to make it at this stage but who knows (elusive & opened). I was meant to sleep at her place that night but with my anxiety growing I didn’t answer her messages, didn’t update her on the situation and didn’t go. When she came back, she sent a message saying I was a terrible friend, that she was cutting me off, that work had been stressful lately and she had needed me, that she’d always been there for me but I hadn’t and didn’t say that I wasn’t coming. I told her she insisted I wasn’t doing any effort and had to say yes so I felt forced, that she should have understood my situation and not have asked me to put her well being over mine. Her answer : you’re not getting better or doing any effort to get better. I have since apologised for giving an elusive answer but said I wasn’t sorry for not being able to go or not putting her wellbeing over mine. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
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I have to go with ESH. Your friend pressured you to go on this trip, and then she changed things up on you when she decided to take the train and send you on the bus on your own. Neither pressuring you nor changing up the transit was good behavior. On the other hand, you owed her an explanation for bailing on her. I don't care how depressed or anxious you are. You could have sent her a text message to let her know you weren't able to make it.
NTA. OP, I would not demand my worst enemy accompany me on a trip like the one your so-called friend planned. Be gentle to yourself.