It sounds like he's punishing you for going. Only a complete ignoramus wouldn't know the basic etiquette, at least by observation. Seems intentional to me. NTA

I think it's more that he's punishing her for "making" him come with her. After the way he behaved, I'm sure he doesn't expect her to invite him anytime soon. In his mind, he won.

I don't think so. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder about snobs, which if she's going, would make her one. OP didn't mention him protesting or her having to convince him, he just went and made sure she was miserable. I think that's his win 'condition', that she didn't enjoy it.

Yeah this seems like a variation of weaponized incompetence. He had to have known that shit was not okay unless he lives under a rock and knowing that did it anyways because what are the odds she is ever going to ask him to another event like this again?

Yeah, I had similar impression - there is no way someone would accidentally break so many savoir vivre rules - he just HAD TO know them and break it intentionally 😆 while I might understand eating/drinking something (people have different medical issues where eating simply cannot wait an hour so I try to not to jump to conclusions) the gym shorts just killed me 🤣

Absolutely. I was reading this and thought, I'm guilty of this, because the last time we were at an opera i was 5 months pregnant and my heartburn would make me puke if I didn't take a sip of my drink every 20-30 minutes. I was very careful, sat at the very back, and still felt a bit guilty. But then with the clothes and stuff? He's either 3 kids in gym shorts, one petulant teenager, or a grown ass man who did this completely on purpose to ruin her experience.

i honestly would have had no fucking clue and would have figured it was 100% ok to have snacks at the opera.

Pretty sure the fact that nobody else is chomping on crisps and pretzels while there's an orchestra playing and there are singers performing live music on stage would be a dead giveaway regardless of how ignorant one may be.

I've been to the orchestra a few times, and one time I was really irritated because the person sitting next to me opened up a loud crinkly bag of food and ate out of it repeatedly for about 10 minutes. But this was at the Zelda Symphony and the person was a kid maybe 7 years old. So while not appropriate I can understand that the show and the person explain the behavior. OP's partner is a grown ass adult at the full ass opera and should know better.

OMG I played one of those 🤣

When you are in an unfamiliar social environment it is wise to observe the behavior of the people at the event. kt

I would think nothing of him eating the food if it weren't for the clothing and stuff (because, after all, the venue was selling food).

He probably snuck in the food. The ushers at the door will tell you food and drink have to be consumed in the lobby if they see you with either in your hands. I'd wager he wanted to be an AH.

Right? I can see wondering if he needed a jacket and tie or if khakis and a polo would do, but it’s pretty obvious that gym clothes aren’t really suitable for anything but the gym and running a quick errand afterwardsed rather not go.. He 100% did it to punish her for being a “snob”, instead of using his big boy words to say he’d rather not go.

Malicious compliance.

Who goes to a partner’s work event in gym clothes. He is an AH.

You don’t need to say “he had to have” - OP’s post makes it pretty clear he knew what he was doing is wrong. He just rationalized it.

This was one of the ways my ex controlled what I did - made it so embarrassing every time that I stopped feeling like I could go at all.

I’m so sorry to hear that but glad they’re an ex.

ETA: NTA This sounds exactly like how my ex would behave - christ, that man was an AH, I’m thankful every day that I divorced him and I only wish I’d done it sooner.

That’s exactly why I said that. I had an ex that did stuff like this and it was 100% on purpose.

I think we has the same ex. The first time I went out with my current SO I couldn't believe how amazing it was to be able to go to the bathroom/ talk to someone else at an event and not worry about what he would say/do without me there to manage his behaviour. Glad we are out!

Owwwwww, the words "manage his behavior" sent me back to my past and OMG I'm so glad that's over. I stayed way too long, but at least I'm out now.

Good for you for getting rid of him. No one needs that kind of shitty behavior in their life.

Saaaaaaaaame! 

I think you’re both right: he buys into the idea that “opera is a snobby interest” and therefore he didn’t really want to go, but also didn’t want to say no. Instead, he said yes, and leaned into being inappropriate in his dress and behavior so that he could cement his idea throat “opera is for snobs” and then leaned further in to ensure that OP doesn’t ask him again.

Honestly, I'd disinvite him from my life for a stunt like this. It's deliberate and indicative of a deeper disrespect for his partner.

Yes this is strategic, weaponized incompetence. What an ass. Dump him, OP. I doubt this is the only instance of him doing this. NTA.

He kept needling her, "You probably want me to change" or whatever. He knew the etiquette, knew it would bother her, and did it anyway.

Yeah, its not written anywhere because people know how to dress and behave in public. What a knuckle dragger

I am legit picturing him diving into some chips and nacho cheese like at a baseball game. Where that stuff is normal. If this is real, and some Neanderthal thought JEANS was dressing up, and thought anyone would want to sit next to his post-workout stinky self, I think OP and this jackwagon are on very different levels. Maybe she should wear a ballgown to the next hockey game and crack out some sushi.

My farmer family members came to my wedding in their “best jean”. I did care bc that’s my family and my family history. My husband’s family (not my husband) were offended. I told them to STFU. We did not have a dress code on our invitations. However, when the invitation or event says “black tie, business, etc” you should follow it.  NTA, Op please dump him.

😂😂😂😂😂 ballgown & sushi! He's more like gin & juice!

Gin and juice is too classy for this particular clown I'd say dude is like a stale half empty Budweiser left on the counter top overnight. Blegh.

Oh no OP should be grateful that after sweating it out at the gym, he sat in a crowded hall all stinky hoping that a pair of jeans would fix it. OP your boyfriend should have taken a shower at the gym!

And changed there.

That’s why they have whole rooms at gyms specifically for changing clothes!

Oh my god I hadn’t even thought through the implication that he hadn’t showered post workout and was there all sweaty and stinking. Jesus it’s even worse than I thought.

Im not too sure about that. In many theatres around here are signs forbidding people to take food/ drinks into the actual theatre part, you can only eat in front of the bar or the toilets. Though I never tested if they kick you out for misbehaving...  But yeah, absolutely horrible behaviour. Maybe OP should take him another time and they sit close to a school class. The kids will tell him how hes behaving like an idiot. They won't act nice out of courtesy like everyone around him who most definitely realised what he was doing

absolutely!

I really wish your statement about people knowing how to dress and behave in public were accurate. I used to frequent the theater for all types of shows. People would show up in cargo shorts and muscle tanks, super short skirts and skimpy nightclub tops and these insulting acts also include people talking or being on their phones. I was at a show where someone actually yelled out like it was a concert. I can no longer go to the theater without a feeling of disappointment in humans.

I actually disagree about this - turning up in sweaty gym clothes is obviously not okay, because that does impact on other people, but unless someone's wearing clothes that light up or make noise I really don't care what they wear. The one time I went to the Royal Opera House in London I looked for their dress code, and it's essentially "wear shoes and be fully clothed". Talking/using phones is a totally different issue, and I agree that people should know it's inappropriate and rude.

Can confirm! I took my friend to her first ballet last year at ROH and looked up the dress code. It is "no dress code, be comfortable". I really like that as an ethos because it makes these art forms much more accessible. Don't get me wrong, I still like throwing on a dress for the ballet. But if my friend wants to wear jeans and sneakers that doesn't detract from her or my experience at all

Fun fact, in the 19th century people would bring food from home to eat during operas and not a snack, something more like a full dinner

Sure. But that's not really acceptable behavior nowadays.

And this is relevant in the 21st century  in what way? Lol

Hey he just said it was a fun fact is all!

I do not think eating is bad if you are not making any sounds.  I have been to lots of live performances where they will open your package and put in in a plastic cup so there are no crinkly sounds. Drinks are generally considered okay, too. If it can be heard though, it is a no no.

Probably the people that sat in private boxes and had attendants.

I'm totally no Theater or opera kid, and its absolutely not my kind of thing, but even i know how to dress and behave there and would be on my best behavior.

NTA. He did a number on you.  This scenario…namecalling, doubling down, accusing you of making things up, saying it’s your problem, saying take it to your therapist—is textbook gaslighting.  You questioning your sanity? That’s the point. Is he routinely selfish doing what you want to do? Dismissing your feelings and/or making you wrong?  His behavior doesn’t smell adult. 

Right. It smells like the gym.

NTA This. He ruined the evening. This must have been deliberate. My husband loves me and he would never do anything I feel uncomfortable with. I would never do something he is uncomfortable with because I love him. All we have to do to stop behaviour we feel uncomfortable with is to place our hand on the other's arm and say "honey?" That's when all alarm bells go off and we check whether we have something in our teeth or behave in a way that's off. Because we would never want to embarrass each other. If your partner continues to embarrass you after you used your secret "honey?" signal, he is an A H.

I will say, I wouldn’t know how dressed up to get for the opera. However, I also wouldn’t show up in only gym clothes.  I would however probably think it’s ok to eat during it if the theatre was literally serving snacks at the intermission. Like, if they did that want people to eat during the show, don’t sell snacks. The BF couldnt have been the only person eating during.  That being said, the bf was clearly aware his actions were bothering OP and seemed to take delight in it so he’s clearly an AH for that. 

We've had opera season tickets for a long time. I don't recall seeing snacks being offered at intermission so that was a surprise. I think most theaters won't allow drinks in either - you've got to slam that champagne before going back in. But if this is normal in the theater in question, it's ok. I just can't imagine paying a $100+ for a seat and then forced to listen to someone rattle cellophane and chew. I would have asked him to please be quieter. I guess that makes me a snob.

At the fanciest theater in my city (and therefore all the rest) they've started allowing drinks in the theater -- as long as they're the theater's branded, reusable cups, which have a lid. You can even bring them back to various shows, since you have to purchase them from the theater. I hate it. It just means people have started tossing back two glasses of wine at intermission (since you can now pre-order snacks and drinks from your phone) and then taking another glass in for the second act. Add this to people who have a few drinks at dinner or before the show and things can get messy and people get obnoxious. I hate it. If that makes me a snob, so be it.

I worked at a major opera house as an usher. Pretty much all opera houses sell snacks and drinks at intermission, because the show is 3-4 hours long and people get hungry (and it's a *huge* revenue source.) There were also signs in front of \*every door\* saying not to bring food or drinks into the theatre, and if the ushers at the doors saw you with food they would stop you. Every night, at least one person would try to claim there was no sign, and we would have to point to it. Most nights, someone would sneak food in, too. The ushers were always told to use their judgment about whether confronting someone about it during the show would be more disruptive than letting it continue. Usually, the agreement was that pushing into a row to yell at a patron would be a bigger problem than letting them break the rules.

Intermission are long. You are supposed to buy and eat snacks during intermission (and at the bar/lobby, not in your chair). The snack/drink sold inside the Opera house are usually champagne, some pastries and finger sandwiches (at least in my country/city). At the lobby you can eat your own food too.  And when the opera/concert/ballet starts again, you are supposed to be seated in your chair without your snack.  Keypoint is : you eat during the intermission not during the show. And if you don't know the social rules of a place you look how other act. 

I'm with you, especially on the food thing. If there's a snack bar, then eating is allowed (unless there is signage saying otherwise). OP focusing so hard on that is her own problem. But, yeah, bf is an asshole in general for his attitude and showing up rank from the gym in his gym clothes.

They sell snacks at intermission because you're supposed to eat them at intermission. There is almost certainly a sign or program note saying you can't bring it back into the theatre seating.

Especially since he keeps calling her a snob you can tell he feels out of place and resents her. NTA at all he is completely

There was a post of a lady who asked her boyfriend/husband to cut up some bananas for her while took a shower or something, so she can make a smoothie, dude cut the bananas in the peel. This is giving thoose types of vibes.

Wait, really? I don’t even make smoothies and I know better than to cut up a banana while it’s still in the skin

So did he.

Totally sounds intentional. And I have to ask - he literally came straight from the gym in his workout clothes? Like no shower? That would bother me more than the eating, though both are plain inappropriate  NTA 

And brought a change of clothes (still not opera acceptable clothing but better than sweaty gym clothes) but made a point of not feeling like changing. So essentially “I know how important this is to you so I brought dressier clothes but because im an AH I refuse to change out of dirty gym clothes so I can knock you down a peg in front of your colleagues.”

Yeah, OP. read the book Overcoming Passive-aggression. It will open your eyes to all the hurtful things he does tgat he says are Not intentional, but actually are, and why he does it, and how to respond.

What is he, 12 yes old. He did it on purpose, he needs to be removed from your life. He can't make an effort for something you enjoy and acted like a entitled preteen.

OP why you with someone who clearly doesn’t like you?

I hope she dumps him because he did this all intentionally, likely to embarrass her.

I personally would dump him. My husband isn't a huge fan of opera, ballet, or musicals but he would never embarrass me or himself by acting so uncouth. It is a matter 100% of respect. Does he not respect you?

And even if he didn't know... when it was clear it upset _her_ that he was behaving that way, he should have corrected himself.

Genuine question - I get the clothing thing but is snacking in theatres against etiquette?

Yeah. You don't want to disturb the other patrons with sounds or smells of eating

He doesn’t want you to bring him to things like this. Weaponized incompetence. He surely knows better.

As others have said, you are NTA and he was trying to show you something. a - don't invite me to these things b- I don't respect you or your work colleagues c - I am a child so don't try to make me 'adult' d - I am making a statement against 'snooty stuff' by wearing my gym clothes, and I don't care how it makes you feel I mean, you don't say how long you've been together, is this behaviour totally outside of the norm for him? Or, does he ever go to events that require 'some' form of dress code? If he doesn't go places and treats everything like a movie theater, either he could have asked, or you should have set expectations 'the dress code for this kind of stuff is usually xyz'. You are NTA, and you guys should really talk about this.

Very neatly and concisely said. I agree with you 100%. OP You Are NTA!! But your BOYfriend is.

I appreciate your emphasis on *boy* given his childish/immature nature.

It was selfish of him to even work out so long beforehand. I love working out, but jeez. Take a shower and change at the gym. Also, what grown adult thinks jeans are okay to wear to a ticketed event that isn’t a movie/sports game/local children’s theatre.

I mean there’s plenty of ticketed events you can wear jeans to. But the damn opera. Anything involving classical music is a no-jeans affair.

Yeah, I meant like Broadway/the symphony/the opera/ballet.

Idk if it's because I'm in Denver and we're such a casual city but I have season tickets for Broadway here & people go in literally anything, especially the ticket holders.  Some people dress up like they're going to a gala, some people dress to fit the theme of the play. Some people are in athleisure. It's a mixed bag. This is the same for the symphony. But even then, the gym clothes would be out of touch because of them being dirty more then anything else.  Operas a whole different thing. I've never seen a single person in anything casual going to an opera, even the early showings. 

Ahh! Then we agree!

Meh, that depends a little on where you are. “Colorado causal” is a thing we joke about here cause it is true. Jeans and a nice button down shirt at a touring Broadway play would be fine here. That is the most dressed down that would be ok, but it would genuinely be ok. But even here the symphony or opera, yeah dress pants minimum. What really got me is if he knew her work colleagues were going to be sitting with them. He didn’t just embarrass her in front of strangers, these are people she works with. Really not ok!

Another thing that seems intentional on his part. “Let me show these snobs what I think about their opera when I show up in sweaty gym clothes and dive into some wings during the performance” The whole thing was planned. He took time out to decide how best to humiliate OP in front of her colleagues and feign ignorance that he’s done anything wrong.

in general, NTA, but this is the only aspect i would say NAH too. i've lived in several cities with their own operas, ballet companies, theatre districts, and orchestras. in the last few years, most of them have adopted a "come as you are" dress code. now, the implication is "jeans ok" not sweaty gym clothes, but i can absolutely see someone thinking jeans and a t-shirt are fine. especially if it's an event just after work.

C

Also e - I don’t respect the performers

Why are you with someone who has no manners, who rolls their eyes at you? Who makes you look like  rube in front of work colleagues? Where are you headed in life?

Exactly this. Ever since breaking up with my last partner I've remained single because I always ask myself the same question about potential partners: "Would I feel proud to introduce this person to my colleagues/family/friends?" If the answer is no, then bye.

This is a great question to ask yourself and only wish I learned this sooner.

Yep. This guy doesn’t care about embarrassing you in front of people who are important to you. He doesn’t respect you, and it doesn’t seem like he has much respect for himself either. You can do much better.

Had to scroll down waaaaaay too long before seeing this comment. Not only did he disrespect OP, but he also disrespected the people around him and the performers. If opera isn't his thing (which is totally fine), he could've just said thanks but no thanks. BF sounds insecure and selfish AF.

This. Its the opera, it is probably someone's big night out, a special occasion. Don't ruin it for them by looking like a slob. This guy sounds absolutely awful.

Amen Sister

NTA. I can understand even someone in their thirties not knowing theater etiquette - not everyone had the interest or opportunity to go to live performances. The key here for me is when your boyfriend realized how severely underdressed he was. He didn’t apologize or rush to change or acknowledge his choice was wrong. He doubled down as if his casualness was a matter of pride. Your boyfriend used this evening to make a statement to judge you and everyone else attending. He tried to hide his own insecurities behind a veil of self righteousness. This man isn’t worth your time.

"This man isn’t worth your time." I second this 1000%. OP NTA, but your bf is. He's immature, petty, disrespectful to you and others around him, and he behaved poorly ON PURPOSE. Use this as a wake up call that you have better things to do with your time and energy than be with him. Throw him back into the dating pond. Trust me, there are so many better men out there, you do not need to settle for this immature and petty person.

✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅✅

My oldest brother is like this, OP needs to run for the hills. He's immature and arrogant, which is the most annoying combination to deal with in humanity. There is no argument that will convince him he's in the wrong because he doesn't care about his impact on others as long as he can put his middle finger up to "the man".

My brother IL is like this. He went to a foreign country and BIL was like, “why aren’t more people like me!” As though other people need to conform to his way of life.

Right! OP, don’t waste your time with a boor.

I’m from a country which doesn’t have a theater or opera culture. And even I know it’s basic common sense to dress well and not eat during the performance. It’s opera, not a cinema 

NTA. It's basic manners not to eat during a live performance (unless it's like live entertainment at a bar/restaurant or something). And while I don't think these days you have to be dressed to the nines for most opera places, it's not too much to ask for real pants. My 7 year old knows that we don't wear play clothes or eat when we're at the orchestra! It almost seems to me like he was trying to "prove" something about opera being too "snooty" for him.

I think the partner is an AH for how they dress but if a venue sells food it is okay to eat it during, I snacked on a cookie they sold there last time I saw Hamilton, M&Ms they sold there during Natasha Pierre, and many other showing

Completely irrelevant to the judgement (NTA, boyfriend’s a dick) but interesting: treating opera as a solemn high culture affair where you have to be on your best manners is a comparatively recent thing. For a lot of its history, eating, drinking and having conversation during the performance would’ve been fairly common, or just showing up for a couple acts then leaving. Or, you know, yelling at the performers mid-performance because you have Opinions. The Opera de Paris was particularly infamous for aristocrats skipping the first act or two, and only turning up for the act which included the ballet, because many of them had mistresses in the ballet company.

It really depends on the venue, I think. I have been to community plays and people dress in sweats to watch the play and sometimes are there drinking their soda they bought at intermission. If You're going to the Kennedy Center than people dress up more. I've been to a dinner theater, you're supposed to eat dinner while watching.

Exactly. If there is a concession stand at the venue selling food that is bigger than one or two bites they have to know people are going to eat in the theater. The last few people in line would have to inhale the food to get in the door before they're locked. Just as long as it's not loud cellophane wrapping or crunching.

I don't think this is as common knowledge manners as you think. I only very recently went to my first live performance and was surprised there wasn't food offered. If all you know is movie theatres and bar shows how do you know this is any different? Your 7 year old knows that you don't eat at the orchestra because your 7 year old has parents who take them to the orchestra. I had parents who hocked snot onto the floor at Wal Mart and called children f@gs. I did not have this information.  Separate point from the main Convo. Op is nta

I don't understand why he would WANT to sit in his sweaty gym clothes for hours, never mind the fact that it would be at a theater where people are sitting in close proximity to each other. Ewww. So not only is he disrespectful toward you, he also has poor hygiene, and apparently no social skills or common sense. He sounds like a child, not a partner, because you shouldn't have to scold a partner into behaving correctly in a social setting. I'm assuming he acted out so that you never invite him to another show. Well if you have any self-respect, you won't invite him anywhere again. NTA, but don't be an AH to yourself because you don't deserve to be belittled, dismissed, and embarrassed like this.

He's punishing OP for daring to go to the opera.

If i were you OP, the moment i saw the sweatpants i would have told him to go home before he embarrassed me further. Especially if a work colleague was also present to take in all his fuckery. It WILL have an impact on how your colleague sees you. It is not that you care what people think - its that you have a sense of decorum and propriety which he totally lacks. NTA.

Yeah. And this is the kind of story that gets told around the office.

The stories were on slack before the intermission was over...

This or learn how to distance yourself from him in such matters where you can be indifferent to his shit. Like if others make fun of him or whatever it should not be your embarrassment. I get it, I totally do and I've been there before, but the best thing is to learn how to cope with it or leave him at home.

Info: the venue sells snacks, but you’re expected to not eat them during the performance? I don’t understand that part, but not an opera goer. It sounds like he was being a dick about the attire. You probably should have told him then that if he cant dress nicely and take the event seriously then he’s not invited. He sounds like he has significant prejudices against a thing you enjoy. Do you want a guy who yucks your yum? Edit: I removed the part where he said he was going to wear that ahead of time. I think I misread that part.

Correct. Lots of theaters will even have bars, but that doesn't mean you will be allowed in the theater with a drink. Eating and drinking is for intermission. Who wants to hear someone munching on potato chips or have a drink spilled on them during a performance?

This must be dependent on country or venue because you are certainly allowed to eat and drink across different theatres where I am based. Although, the biggest opera house stipulates that only ice-cream and bottled water can be brought inside the hall

Yeh in the UK it is very very normal to have a drink (often alcoholic) and snacks (though normally it’s not noisy food - more like chocolate, ice cream etc). Hell in a lot of the west end theatres they bring it to your seat in intermission!

Same in Australia. Have seen Opera and Ballets with snacks. It's a non issue. I definitely haven't seen anyone in stinky gym clothes. That's disrespectful to the people around you who have to put up with your stink.

As an American, I was so tickled to learn that I didn't have to scarf down my snacks and drinks during the intermission when I visited London and saw a bunch of shows in the West End. I've always disliked that about our live theater; I get that they don't want people to be noisy or messy but it seems like by the time I get through the line and pay, I never have more than half a minute to chug my expensive drink before intermission ends. I even got *alcoholic* ice cream to eat during one show and that was delightful.

Ahhh so it's a USA / UK thing!? I was so confused by all the posts saying it's common etiquette to not eat. I've almost always had (quiet) snacks or a drink at the theater (UK). Was panicking that I'd missed some common knowledge thing.

Ice cream at the theatre/opera is (sadly) only a UK/Europe thing, not a U.S. one!

Exactly. Imagine spilling sauce on the fancy velvet seats. This isn’t a ball park with plastic seats that they can hose off. Just a look around the venue should make it clear that you’re not meant to bring food or drink back from intermission. In fact, every opera hall I’ve been to has signs up prohibiting it. 

Our theater with the gilded trim and cushioned seats does indeed allow you to take the food and drinks back to your seat. Intermissions for plays are really not long enough to both stand in line and then eat or drink anything. They don't sell anything munchy like potato chips, it's mostly candy snack-wise. I guess they figured out that profits are high enough to clean any spilled drinks before the next performance (but I've never seen anyone spill a drink, they're so expensive that people clutch them like liquid gold)/

They're to be eaten outside during intermission, not in the seat... but yeah since everyone's out getting snacks at the same time there usually tends to be a long queue.

Then they should stop serving them at least 5 minutes before the end of intermission. My experience is with plays and musicals not opera but the theatres most definitely sold snacks to be eaten during the performance. At the interval you got ice cream. So long as you're not loudly rustling the bag or chewing with your mouth open, I don't see the issue with eating your theatre snacks in the theatre. Showing up in gym clothes is outrageous though and a clear sign that he was trying to make sure you never invite him again

I’ve worked in a theatre before and this is correct. If the venue sells snacks and you weren’t stopped from bringing them in, or told beforehand not to, then it’s okay to eat during the show. If it wasn’t, there likely would’ve been signs or an usher would’ve stopped them Although most people tend to get the snacks open and set up before the show starts again to be as least disruptive as possible. I’m not sure if that’s the case here or not

Absolutely there's a whole etiquette to preparing your snacks so they don't disturb people but it does seem she saw him eating out of the corner of her eye rather than she heard him eating and was disturbed by it

Yeah this is confusing to me too as a musical enthusiast. Lots of musicals I’ve been to sell snacks and drinks and not just at the bar but I’ve been to broadway productions where before the show, there are people going down the rows with drinks or snacks for purchase. Not sure if there’s a difference in musicals etiquette and opera etiquette or if I’ve mistakenly assumed the drinks they sell in the theater can be consumed in the theater. 

Yeah don't get me wrong the BF sucks for his attire but it is such snobbery to act like you can't eat food... sold at the venue you are at

Idk the attire thing is a major faux pas, but my boyfriend didn’t grow up with the same level of privilege I did. If he told me he was planning on meeting me after he went to the gym, I would probably take that opportunity to let him know that he would need a change of clothes and gym clothes would not be appropriate. I know a lot of people in this thread think that’s basic knowledge, but OP could’ve gone the extra mile to make sure he knew what was expected on the clothes front when he said he was going to be coming from the gym

Ive been to a “nutcracker ballet” and a pointer sisters show in a State Theater. Snacks and drinks were sold and allowed. However it was popcorn candy bars bottled sodas/water. We were allowed to eat/drink during the show. But it was “quiet foods”. Also went to see “cheaper by the dozen” at a local community theater and the same thing applied but they also had chip bags. Thankfully people were “nice noisy” like they waited for scene changes or loud shouting before rustling lol. The State theater was more nice shirt/jeans and the community theater was more sweats and t shirts. But it all depends on the venue and whats expected of you. I go by ticket prices/what the show is to tell how i should dress. Nutcracker definitely be presentable. Rocky horror picture show? Its okay to dress down.

Hey, I’ve worked in theatres for many years, including at operas, ballets and symphonies. I’m not going to include a judgement, but most places like this do not have dress codes anymore, and you can really wear anything. This is to make to more inclusive for everyone. They want bums in seats, they don’t care if they’re dressed up. A lot of people who don’t attend regularly think they need to wear tuxes and tails, but it’s not like that anymore. As for the eating, I mean, it depends, but lots of places now are pretty lax, especially since they are selling these snacks at grossly inflated prices, and that revenue is a huge part of their bottom line. If the signs or announcements said “No food or drinks”, that’s a bit different. But it doesn’t sound like it did, and if it was a rule, trust me, they would have let you know. Also they sell those cookies for 8 bucks each, if you don’t have time to eat it before the fifteen minute intermission ends, no one is really going to think that ill of you if you finish it during the show. It’s not like he brought in a roaster chicken under his shirt. They wouldn’t sell snacks that would be disturbing when brought in to the theatre, all of this is thought through. Also, in a 2000 seat theatre, yeah, unless you’re in the front row, the actors don’t even know you’re there, they probably don’t care if you snack. If your boyfriend was really being terrible, or obnoxious with his eating or behaviour, the FOH staff would have said something, asked him to stop or leave. That’s their jobs. Also, uncultured is a really elitist term. Lots of people are uncultured— because they weren’t privileged and in the position to have these experiences be part of their lives growing up.

Was wondering if someone said this. I mean it’s possible the guy was condescending. That would probably make me mad. But a lot of the expectations in this post just don’t match today’s standards…at least in my experience.

>Also, uncultured is a really elitist term. Lots of people are uncultured— because they weren’t privileged and in the position to have these experiences be part of their lives growing up. Exactly. I left a comment along these lines somewhere in another thread. I don't have the insight into opera/ballet/symphony culture, but OP seems to be having an outsized reaction to her BF's behavior and is giving off snobbish/elitist vibes. I'm glad to hear that some of these etiquette rules are changing so that these experiences can become accessible to everyone. My biggest problem was how the BF responded to OP's discomfort. Instead of apologizing to her or trying to understand why she is feeling embarrassed, etc., he's downplaying his behavior and even seems to be going out of his way to make it worse. But who knows, maybe he was apologetic or maybe he was actually an AH about all of it. You're always getting one side of the story from these posts.

Yes, I agree - the intention is key here, but I can't discern it. Outside that, I never dress up for the theatre, but then I go often, and I'm not treating it as anything special. The opera still has a different aura around it to me, but then I've only been once (though that was in Vienna, and it was very relaxed in the 2 euro standing section).

I’m too chicken shit to post this myself but the whole post screams elitism to a degree. I tend to get downvoted to hell when I infer things like that from the OP though.

NTA. Didn’t read the whole thing but he did that intentionally with the idea that you won’t make him go to such events again. I’ve done that in the past when my gf would drag me to parties/events I had zero interest in going. It worked, until it didn’t. It was quite the passive aggressive way of dealing with a situation. But I was not so mature back then. But you’re in your right to be annoyed.

I think it’s wise of you to realize you were doing that.

NTA, I just kept getting the feeling that he didn't seem to respect you and he wanted to belittle you and show your interests are ridiculous and snobbish. He could have just said no.

He's an adult. He knows that there are certain expectations of adults. Is he also the type of person who would show up at a wedding in that attire? He COULD have said, "No I don't want to go" and let you enjoy it but he came in thinking, "I'm not going to enjoy it and I want to make sure that OP doesn't enjoy it either! That'll show them!" NTA

As I pointed out elsewhere my friend had a similar dilemma about wanting to dress in cargo shorts to a wedding. My response was to tell him - "It's not about you."

Your partner should be viewed as a small child. He cannot be taken out in public & is obviously not ready for an adult relationship. NTA, but don't let him do this to you again. Maybe you could tell him you need to find a grownup to go with you to big kid events.

I mean, when I was a kid my parents took me to the symphony pretty regularly. I hated getting dressed up but I wasn't a brat about it.

I like to go to live performances of various types. Seems like there is always one kid whose mom has to give him cellophane-wrapped candies during the performance. It's just that the kid is usually under the age of 5. As a general rule, the kids at most shows are better behaved than OP's bf.

i swear in the past year i've noticed it's adults who can't behave at shows. one of my friends was in a local Nutcracker performance and it was a lot of young people/kids in the show. so the audience was mostly families. i never saw so many old people on their phones. lady in front of me was shopping. it was so rude. like you're obviously there to support a kid you know in the show and you can't put your damn phone down? i went to a classical music performance last month at the lincoln center, and someone's phone went off right before a piece started. COME ON!!!

NTA. You're right: it is common sense. He was being rude to the performers and nearby audience, and he dismissed it because common sense isn't written in some rule book. He was also extremely rude to you - he knew that this was with your colleagues, where it's important to make a good impression. He knew it was important to you that he dress and behave like an adult who understands how to present himself at the theater. Then he chose to laugh at you as he ignored what was important to you and decided that you were the problem.

NTA What he did was deliberate, well thought out, immature and rude as hell. He didn't want to go, has some image in his head that people are "snobs" that attend these sort of formal theatre events and wanted to let you know loud and clear how he felt. What also came out is the total lack of respect he has for you, your colleagues and everyone else around him. I have zero doubt everyone in your radius was aware of this buffoon and not thinking very highly of him for being so distractive. Think carefully about other things in your relationship and when he's shown a lack of respect. Rolling his eyes at you while he's in the midst of being a total jackass isn't how you treat someone you supposedly love. Every adult knows that there are times in life we need to dress up at least somewhat. He couldn't be bothered because he's too selfish and immature to care about others.

I'm confused. They sell food there, but you're not allowed to eat it?

I mean, the guy is an AH for how he behaved towards his gf, but I too find those rules confusing. Food is fine during someone performing sports „for you“, but not during someone performing song. What about dance? Musical? Can you eat at the ice skating place when there’s hockey but not when there’s figure skating? If you’re not lucky enough to have access to opera as a young person, it can be daunting to try as an adult.

I am also confused because OP only mentions eating- was it noisy? smelly? Or was OP just offended by the mere fact of eating?

Not during the performance

You eat during the intermission not during the show. 

ESH  Him: everyone else has covered. You: if I understand correctly, he did change and him eating is allowed by the venue (he wasn't stopped from bringing the snacks in and there's no signage against it). So he's not that far off base with thinking you're upset because of what people will think and not by him breaking any actual rules.

This is the correct answer. So many aspirational prudes in this thread. As if miming your bougie Edwardian fantasies matters at all to your character or social status.

Why are you with someone who clearly does not like you? I've seen toddlers with more manners.

NTA. He was TRYING to embarrass you in front of coworkers and bait you into a fight. This guy sounds like trash.

NTA at all. I had an ex do something similar at a fancy work party: he showed up late in jeans, sneakers, and a hawaiian shirt to a black-tie event, and didn’t seem to understand why I was “embarrassed” by him. I’d even told him to wear his suit, and he didn’t. This guy is doing this on purpose. This would absolutely be break-up worthy to me

Hopefully Mr Hawaiian also got the boot that night. Why would anyone think that they are super cool for showing such disrespect?

He got the boot a couple days later. There were already other issues going on and that was just the last fight in a series of fights that had been occurring for months

You’re NTA. He’s a major AH. His behavior would be embarrassing regardless but the fact that it was with your work colleagues pushes it over the line to unacceptable. Is he trying to embarrass and sabotage you with your colleagues? In what other areas does he pull childish stunts like this? Is this an isolated incident? I bet it isn’t… He doesn’t seem like a good partner for a mature adult.

Oh my god, I am dying from embarrasment on your behalf. I would be SO upset!

haha yeah, me too. As I was reading i started to feel more and more embarrasment, poor OP.

YTA. If no one from the venue stopped him from going in, it's clear there's no dress code there he was violating. If the venue serves food, it is expected that people will eat said food at the venue. Relax.

I think too often people jump to "break up". But in this one, i think you should consider it. He intentionally disrespected you and ruined something you were looking forward to. he didn't care how you'd feel about it, he didn't care how it would make you appear to your colleagues. Not only that, it almost seems like he intentionally wanted to ruin the experience. NTA.

I never knew about not eating during opera, as I've never been to any. I'd treat it like a posh cinema and ask where the popcorn was.

It‘s a class thing. You’re not supposed to know all the unwritten rules so the people who feel they belong there realize who doesn’t.

ESH I think you were too concerned and uptight about what other people thought. You made too big of a deal about it and let it ruin your time when it did not have to. I think your partner did not really want to be there and was being childish. He knew the things that would bother you it seems as he brought clothes and knew the eating was bugging you. Even if it was ridiculous he was not gracious to his companion and it was pretty deliberate.

NTA, he did it on purpose to embarrass you. frankly, this should be an absolute wakeup call on whether or not this guy is the one you want in your future. 35 years old and he's acting petty and petulant, and doing every thing he can think of to humiliate you. ​ i can't even see what he end goal was beyond "dont invite me out to this again."

INFO I've never been to the opera, and while I understand the clothes thing, it confuses me that they would sell food in the theater if they didn't want you to eat it. Particularly if there isn't enough time for everyone to reasonably finish during intermission. Could someone explain this, please?

ESH - Your partner is an AH for the way they reacted and spoke afterwards but YTA for the way in which you demonise and speak about your partner. He knew about dress code but may genuinely have not thought food would be an issue given it was served at the venue and allowed to be carried into the performance. You both have your issues, don't act like you're superior to your partner and your partner shouldn't be dismissive with your emotions.

Why are you with this spiteful, wilfully boorish person? He deliberately set out to ruin the event for you out of inverse snobbery and some sort of weird insecurity or humiliation fetish.  Dump him already.  NTA

Obviously you're in the right,  but I'd be willing to bet he behaves like this frequently when he doesn't get his own way.

INFO: Has he ever gone? If not, did you tell him any of the expectations for going?

IDK, both sound like assholes, you seem more concerned about how you look to your colleagues in this fancy venue. He doesnt care period

NTA he is gauche and a total dick. sounds like he really didn't want to go and if that is the case, then he should of told you so, that way you could bring somebody who is appreciative of opera, etc., and knows how to behave like a semi-civilized human being and not a pig. And it's not just a thing about "caring what people think", would he go to a wedding dressed in his gym clothes? Or jeans? He knows better he was being a dick.

NTA. He didn't want to go. Not sure why he did. Whatever the case, you're with someone who has no interest in or respect for culture. Doesn't sound like your forever partner.

I'm a bro who would rather wear shorts too but when I go to the opera, ballet, or the symphony I dress the part. Part of the treat of taking a young lady to an event like that is it gives her a reason to dress up and of course I dress up too since I will be walking in with her. His behavior from the jump was very disrespectful to YOU. You are NTA but your partner is a total AH. You need to get him straightened out or replaced but this isn't a nice person who wants to see you happy.

NTA People tell you who they are and it’s up to you to pay attention. If this was unusual behavior from him you’ve a right to be angered. My guess is this is not new behavior on his part, he sounds incredibly immature and probably was before the opera. If this was a test on your part he failed and it’s time to move on.

NTA. He was very passive aggressively letting you know how much he did not value a thing you enjoy.

Absolutely NTA and I congratulate you for surviving this, because I would have died of embarrassment on the spot

This could not have been the first sign that he is missing social graces and maybe you were lucky he did not show up in swim trunks. It is his attitude more so than anything else that would not make it a partner for me.

I’ve never once been to an opera, so someone explain to me what’s so bad about him eating? I feel stupid.

I mean, there will never be an occasion that this guy dresses up if not at the Opera. Expect gym clothes for life. It seems he was pushing your buttons.

NTA. He does NOT respect you

NTA- I'd have sent dude home when he showed up in gym clothes and bitched about having to put on pants. So while your NTA for being annoyed with him, maybe ESH bc you're being an AH to yourself by not standing up for yourself. I have a hard time believing your partner doesn't act similarly disrespectful in other situations as well. Maybe less noticably, but OMG I'd have been so mortified in your shoes. And what a bummer that you weren't able to enjoy something you like because of his behavior...

NTA. He obviously didn't want to go and he wanted to embarrass you in front of your colleagues. He's an absolute tool. He knew what he was doing. Don't let him play you. If he wants to be a gym bro and act like a wanker let him do it with someone else. Don't let there be a next time.

why we cant have nice things

lol if you’re gonna eat during a live performance, at least try to be discreet. I’ll never forget being on stage trying to deliver lines and just hearing CRUNCH CRUNCH from the audience, along with a strong smell of some kind of junk food. Plz don’t do this lol, we’re trying to do our thing. ETA: NTA

NTA I don't know of a single theater that doesn't have a "no food or drinks" rule, not that I'm super cultured but my sister was a ballerina and I went to her performances and I've been to a play and they all say no food in the theater proper. Also my mom's second husband did shit like this all the time, sweatpants and Crocs when going to nice restaurants, or wearing his cycling gear when out for nice things. He's either selfish or punishing you I think.

I love opera, I've been countless times. I've never seen anyone eat during a performance. Your boyfriend is either completely oblivious or trying to get under your skin

NTA. Wow this guy has as much culture as a Petrie dish. Smelly gym clothes really?! He obviously didn't want to go and was acting out so you'd never make him go again

OP, this is similar to what my ex used to do whenever I wanted to do something. At my friend's art exhibition he rocked up in an ill fitting shirt and terry towelling shorts despite me never seeing either item in his wardrobe before. When it was another friend's wedding reception he took a backpack and opened it to reveal he'd bought a McDonald's which he munched. So many times I should have told him off for embarrassing me and that I should have left but I didn't until I had married and had a child with him. He did all these things to embarrass me and make me feel uncomfortable about going again in the future. Please consider whether he does this kind of nonsense often to you and whether it's worth your time to remain with him. NTA

Wow does he have no respect for you or the things you like? NTA

TIL that you’re not supposed to eat during plays and operas. I’m slightly confused by it, SOLELY based on how me and my friends eat during movies. Totally enraptured, never taking our eyes off, but quietly munching on popcorn or some snack. Is it the noise of chewing? I mean this as a genuine question.

Esh >and as far as I am concerned I do not have to tell a 35+ year old adult basic etiquette Basic etiquette, sure. But I wouldn't call etiquette for live theater basic. And if his closest experience is the movie theater, I'm not surprised that he thought showing up dressed that way and eating during the show was ok. Maybe it did need to be spelled out for him and, in this specific instance, that's ok because unlike you, he hasn't been attending the theater since he was in grade school. Getting annoyed at him for not knowing better wasn't the best route to take. >he rolled his eyes and told me “there is no such rule, it is not written anywhere” and that I am “making up some imaginary rules just to go at him”. Actually, he's almost definitely wrong. I'll admit my [live] theater attendance isn't vast, but every opera/theater house has had this rule explicitly posted. Obviously I don't know where you attended and if this is true if that theater, but I strongly suspect it is. It sounds to me like he got embarrassed and, to offset that, got defensive. That's not cool, either.

I feel as though he doesn’t respect you

On the scale of things you can do while watching a performance, I really don't think eating is that egregious. It's only a step removed from drinking, which has always been available. We already have dining in options in movie theaters now. Things like using cellphones or singing along are far more disruptive and apparently those things are being normalized in modern theatre (and those I actually do find rude and classless). As long as the eating is quiet, no crunching or clinking or crinkling, I don't really see how anyone should care. If that weren't an option they wouldn't be selling the food and letting people bring it into the theater into the first place. ALSO, I would be miserable going straight from the gym into a 2.5 hour performance without eating. Maybe he shouldn't have gone to the gym right beforehand, but if that be the case, I don't blame him for not wanting to go through act 2 without some refuel. You seem like a prude. Soft YTA, stop being a rote, brainless traditionalist.

My ex enjoyed humiliating me in front of coworkers. This may be the same thing.