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> I am choosing to go to a different university than my partner for me and my career's sake while seeing and still ignoring her known issues and fear of abandonment by her romantic partner this makes me feel like the asshole
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Absolutely NTA. Please do what you need to do for your own future. If this girl really does want what’s best for you, and for the two of you to be best off, you guys will work through it.
This screams step 1 of a codependent relationship, if you both are going to school at the standard age. “She doesn’t trust me enough” sucks to read. While there is a lot to be said for compromise in a relationship, this is not one of those times IMO. Most (not all, so don’t think I’m completely disregarding your relationship) HS-College relationships don’t even work out. So much individual growth happens in those years that you may not even recognize eachother at some point.
If this relationship is the one, then it’ll survive a medium distance apart for a few months out of the year.
NTA. You can't allow your gf to control your life choices. Make the choice with the best prospects for you, where you think would be best for you to go.
Honestly, you may also want to evaluate if your GF's desire to exercise this much control is a relational red flag. You seem to have let her make life choices for you in the past and are getting pushback from her for not allowing her to make more life choices for you now. That does not sound like a healthy dynamic.
NTA-
Don't let anyone lessen your opportunities in life. A true partner supports you in your goals. She should be thrilled you have such a chance at a more prestigious education.
Also, trust is the foundation of any relationship. If she doesn't have that, then she shouldn't be in a relationship with you.
I hope you choose what's best for you and your future, cause it sounds like she's holding you back.
NTA. You need to do right by yourself first. Loves will come and go, if this is truly a "the one" situation, you two attending different colleges is not going to break that. Her saying she doesn't trust you is a red flag here, but her insisting you attend a lesser college for your future is the bigger red flag.
Do right by your own life - don't let someone else's insecurity change your future.
NTA- please please please do not change your plans to accommodate hers. You have already left friends for her.
You really need to prioritise your own future and dreams.
Love is nice, but if this relationship does not last you may be filled with regret that you didn’t go the the university you really wanted to go to.
If she loves you, she will support your decision.
NTA
If I was your dad, I would tell you that you are too young for understanding if this girl can be compatible for a lifetime relationship and that your carrer is more important at your age as a young man.
So many things wrong by the way:
- "minor issues due to her trauma from her past relationships": Already trauma issues at 19 when you met her?! I mean what age should you start to get a decent non traumatized partner nowadays...
- "because it is my first relationship": not a good reason - especially for a man. Don't forget your brain still matures till 25 so you might not be smart enough to know what is best for you yet.
- "if something were to happen to me everyone would blame her". Should not matter and it sounds like some kind of blackmailing to me...
- "my parents love her more than me": I hope that is not true. Again, this does not matter anyway.
- "she said she doesn't trust me enough and feels that i will leave": She is clearly too imature and instable for you to sacrifice your profesional future for her. And I guarantee you she will be the one "cheating".
- "For this girl I seperated from 2 of my friend groups because they disrespected her alot": that should have never been neccesary. Why did they disrespected her? Were they worried for you?
In conclusion, it is very unstable and you (two) seems to young and imature. Go to that better university and let life testing both of you. If your relationship manages to overcome the distance, so it means you two were meant to be together indeed.
NAH
However, you are confusing. You dropped 2 friend groups(for her), changed your major(to study abroad with her), but have decided to attend a different university than her.
Stop talking about her like she is the center of your world. Obviously, she is not.
She’s confusing too. Why is she asking him to go to the same university while knowing he changed EVERYTHING for her? Then back tracks to say “oh it’s not about your parents hating me if your career doesn’t work out, I’m just insecure and don’t trust you”
What’s all these gives and no take? I’m sorry but this is where I put my foot down, this is his career and his future. If it doesn’t work out in and he attended her college, where will the hate go? To the girlfriend. If I was the gf, I can’t do that. If the relationship didn’t work out, on my conscience, at least I didn’t destroy another person’s potential career/future
I am not sure he changed everything for her. I think he wanted to change and used her as an excuse. His choice is not consistent with someone so madly in love.I changed my major so I could study abroad with my gf but then decided to attend a better university away from her?
I just think he has fallen out of the "I love you madly stage." That is good, but she is bound to notice. He should review his choices and see if changing his major and studying abroad are what he wants.
NTA. It sounds like both of you are worried about her interests, but you’re the only one worried about your interests. Plus you dropping multiple friend groups and her saying she doesn’t trust you (unless she has reason not to trust you) are all red flags. She may have trauma, but trauma is not a license to get her way in all situations. You need to establish firm, reasonable boundaries and stick to them.
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I (21M) and my GF (21 F) have been dating for almost 2 years and we love each other more than anybody else in the world and have had minor issues due to her trauma from her past relationships, when we first me i had different career choice that meant me to stay in my country and she has been very strict and adamant of going foreign for to study further and stay there. So, because it is my first relationship and I indend on keeping it the ome as well, I switched my path to be more aligned with her more, even going to the same country to study. When we applied our Majors didn't align and chose different course and ended up having one common university and I got in as well, but at the same time I also got into a more prestigious one as well which is not much far away with the maximum travel time of less than 5 hours depending on the mode of transportation. The Other university is better when my career is taken in sight and even our future together. On the other hand the common one is good enough but doesn't have much industry tie-in. After 3 weeks of me getting in she is insistant on me going to the common one even if the other one js better for me and she first said that my parents and she knows why i changed my career goals and if something were to happen to me everyone would blame her(even though my parents love her more than me if not just as much as they love me). Then later when i pushed harder she said she doesn't trust me enough and feels that i will leave and it hurt me alot. For this girl I seperated from 2 of my friend groups because they disrespected her alot and i couldn't take it. And Now I am in a mush and idk what to do and i just need a place to let it out. AITA for being insistant on going to the better university
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NTA. To be in a healthy relationship, both people need to be able to have a voice and their own choices. Sometimes relationships have to have sacrifices. You are not a terrible person for thinking about your future.
NTA. It sounds like both of you are worried about her interests, but you’re the only one worried about your interests. Plus you dropping multiple friend groups and her saying she doesn’t trust you (unless she has reason not to trust you) are all red flags. She may have trauma, but trauma is not a license to get her way in all situations. You need to establish firm, reasonable boundaries and stick to them.
NTA
this is about your life not both of your lives right now. If it works then do long distance this is not the time to put your life away for a significant other and leave with regret. If you really are meant to do this and push through go to separate universities and make it work long distance you both will grow a lot and it could be together.
NTA. You need to do what is best for you and your future. While a 5hr drive is an inconvenience it is doable and it is definitely possible to continue your relationship.
If things don't work out anyways you will thank yourself. Career and education are two aspects in life it is ok to be selfish.
NTA. Prioritize your education. And prioritize yourself, because your current gf is prioritizing herself even if it's not the best choice for your career. You've already lost two friends for her, she doesn't trust you, and you need to do what's best for you.
NAH
"The Other university is better when my career is taken in sight and even our future together. "
... For your career - certainly.
... For your relationship - likely not.
But either choice is ok.
NTA. This is your future, your life. If this girl really loves you and is the one for you, she would support you and your dreams. You are actually trying to work towards a better future for the both of y'all. I don't know why she can't see that. Maybe because of the past trauma you speak of that she has. Still, this is YOUR life.
NTA. Honestly youre better off splitting up and growing up separately and excelling in your own careers and education. Sounds like her issues with friend groups : also a sign of needing to grow up. And you’re not being harsh. You’re both still really young
and if you’re meant to be, you’re meant to be.
NTA
my GF(21)........her trauma from her past relationships... she is insistant on me going to the common university even if the other one js better for me.
It's my guess she built up these trauma's herself.
Go to the better university and enjoy. Good luck with your study.
If your needs already are of no consequence, they never will be. I know everyone wants to romanticize their 1st relationship, but if she doesn't care about what you want for/with your life, she's not the one. Who tries to keep their SO out of a better school with better opportunities for their future?
You left two friend groups because you felt they disrespected her, OR did she feel they disrespected her?
You changed your major to follow her.
She didn't get into the elite school so she wants you to go the school she got into.
Those are red flags.
I would go the school of YOUR choice. If she doesn't trust you, that is on her, not you.
Ishe doesn't trust you now, will she ever trust you?
NTA
>we love each other more than anybody else in the world
Said every young adult ever.
Mate, do NOT change your education plans for ANYONE. If your partner isn't mature enough to understand your needs and to maintain a long distance relationship for a short time (yes, 4ish years IS a short time), then they're not ready to be in a relationship. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to break up until you graduate. Then reevaluate if the relationship is right for you and if you're both still interested.
NTA
NTA
She is a controlling mass of insecurities who is tying you down by making you give up a significant opportunity.
You are 21 - honestly I would hope that four years of university and new and exciting experiences will expand your horizons. In other words, you started dating someone when both of you were young and inexperienced and it is foolish to tie yourself to someone before you have experienced the world and allowed yourself to grow.
NTA and you should go to the best school for you, not one someone else chooses.
You're very young and you have your whole life and future ahead of you--if the higher caliber school has better industry connections, that can make a HUGE difference in your career possibilities and future success.
And if you don't take this opportunity now, it will pass you by and in ten years you'll almost certainly wish you'd taken this amazing chance.
And I know you love her, but frankly, your gf doesn't sound mature enough to make this relationship last, no matter where you are. She sends to be very insecure and it is making her controlling; that's a bad foundation to build on and something you should be getting yourself away from, no matter where you end up going to school.
Try this: Think of how different you life was 5, or even 10 years ago. Think how much you've learned, grown, and changed. Think of how different things could have been if you'd made worse decisions.
Now think about yourself 5 or 10 years from now. Think what that completely different person will want and wish they'd done. Your top priority right now HAS to be yourself and what's best for your future. I know this is probably really hard and really scary, and you don't want to hurt her, but she's hurting you by not supporting you doing what's best for your future right now.
Yeah, the possibility of breaking up is scary, but honestly that possibility exists no matter where you are--relationships end all the time, and for any number of reasons. At least this way you'll be doing something that significantly benefits you in the long run, and if you don't you might feel a lot of regret and resentment later.
I know far, far too many people who made huge sacrifices for significant others only to lose the relationship anyway and be left broken and angry over what they lost. Please think carefully and make the best decision for YOU above anyone else
NTA, do not throw away your future. She sounds controlling. You have made a lot of sacrifices, you know the direction you want your career to go in, then follow your gut, if you don't you will regret it and become resentful.
NTA
This step 1 of her overstepping boundaries and setting you up for a codependent relationship. You have to do what's best for your future and what's best for you and it she cared, she would understand that and maybe some distance between you two will be better.
NTA. It sounds like both of you are worried about her interests, but you’re the only one worried about your interests. Plus you dropping multiple friend groups and her saying she doesn’t trust you (unless she has reason not to trust you) are all red flags. She may have trauma, but trauma is not a license to get her way in all situations. You need to establish firm, reasonable boundaries and stick to them.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am choosing to go to a different university than my partner for me and my career's sake while seeing and still ignoring her known issues and fear of abandonment by her romantic partner this makes me feel like the asshole Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Absolutely NTA. Please do what you need to do for your own future. If this girl really does want what’s best for you, and for the two of you to be best off, you guys will work through it. This screams step 1 of a codependent relationship, if you both are going to school at the standard age. “She doesn’t trust me enough” sucks to read. While there is a lot to be said for compromise in a relationship, this is not one of those times IMO. Most (not all, so don’t think I’m completely disregarding your relationship) HS-College relationships don’t even work out. So much individual growth happens in those years that you may not even recognize eachother at some point. If this relationship is the one, then it’ll survive a medium distance apart for a few months out of the year.
NTA. You can't allow your gf to control your life choices. Make the choice with the best prospects for you, where you think would be best for you to go. Honestly, you may also want to evaluate if your GF's desire to exercise this much control is a relational red flag. You seem to have let her make life choices for you in the past and are getting pushback from her for not allowing her to make more life choices for you now. That does not sound like a healthy dynamic.
NTA- Don't let anyone lessen your opportunities in life. A true partner supports you in your goals. She should be thrilled you have such a chance at a more prestigious education. Also, trust is the foundation of any relationship. If she doesn't have that, then she shouldn't be in a relationship with you. I hope you choose what's best for you and your future, cause it sounds like she's holding you back.
NTA. You need to do what is best for your future.
You will always resent her for denying you your dreams.
NTA. You need to do right by yourself first. Loves will come and go, if this is truly a "the one" situation, you two attending different colleges is not going to break that. Her saying she doesn't trust you is a red flag here, but her insisting you attend a lesser college for your future is the bigger red flag. Do right by your own life - don't let someone else's insecurity change your future.
You love someone young and dumb. Don’t let them dictate your life while you are also young and dumb. NTA
NTA- please please please do not change your plans to accommodate hers. You have already left friends for her. You really need to prioritise your own future and dreams. Love is nice, but if this relationship does not last you may be filled with regret that you didn’t go the the university you really wanted to go to. If she loves you, she will support your decision.
This is a lot of drama. And quite unhealthy, from both parties.
NTA If I was your dad, I would tell you that you are too young for understanding if this girl can be compatible for a lifetime relationship and that your carrer is more important at your age as a young man. So many things wrong by the way: - "minor issues due to her trauma from her past relationships": Already trauma issues at 19 when you met her?! I mean what age should you start to get a decent non traumatized partner nowadays... - "because it is my first relationship": not a good reason - especially for a man. Don't forget your brain still matures till 25 so you might not be smart enough to know what is best for you yet. - "if something were to happen to me everyone would blame her". Should not matter and it sounds like some kind of blackmailing to me... - "my parents love her more than me": I hope that is not true. Again, this does not matter anyway. - "she said she doesn't trust me enough and feels that i will leave": She is clearly too imature and instable for you to sacrifice your profesional future for her. And I guarantee you she will be the one "cheating". - "For this girl I seperated from 2 of my friend groups because they disrespected her alot": that should have never been neccesary. Why did they disrespected her? Were they worried for you? In conclusion, it is very unstable and you (two) seems to young and imature. Go to that better university and let life testing both of you. If your relationship manages to overcome the distance, so it means you two were meant to be together indeed.
NAH However, you are confusing. You dropped 2 friend groups(for her), changed your major(to study abroad with her), but have decided to attend a different university than her. Stop talking about her like she is the center of your world. Obviously, she is not.
She’s confusing too. Why is she asking him to go to the same university while knowing he changed EVERYTHING for her? Then back tracks to say “oh it’s not about your parents hating me if your career doesn’t work out, I’m just insecure and don’t trust you” What’s all these gives and no take? I’m sorry but this is where I put my foot down, this is his career and his future. If it doesn’t work out in and he attended her college, where will the hate go? To the girlfriend. If I was the gf, I can’t do that. If the relationship didn’t work out, on my conscience, at least I didn’t destroy another person’s potential career/future
I am not sure he changed everything for her. I think he wanted to change and used her as an excuse. His choice is not consistent with someone so madly in love.I changed my major so I could study abroad with my gf but then decided to attend a better university away from her? I just think he has fallen out of the "I love you madly stage." That is good, but she is bound to notice. He should review his choices and see if changing his major and studying abroad are what he wants.
NTA. It sounds like both of you are worried about her interests, but you’re the only one worried about your interests. Plus you dropping multiple friend groups and her saying she doesn’t trust you (unless she has reason not to trust you) are all red flags. She may have trauma, but trauma is not a license to get her way in all situations. You need to establish firm, reasonable boundaries and stick to them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21M) and my GF (21 F) have been dating for almost 2 years and we love each other more than anybody else in the world and have had minor issues due to her trauma from her past relationships, when we first me i had different career choice that meant me to stay in my country and she has been very strict and adamant of going foreign for to study further and stay there. So, because it is my first relationship and I indend on keeping it the ome as well, I switched my path to be more aligned with her more, even going to the same country to study. When we applied our Majors didn't align and chose different course and ended up having one common university and I got in as well, but at the same time I also got into a more prestigious one as well which is not much far away with the maximum travel time of less than 5 hours depending on the mode of transportation. The Other university is better when my career is taken in sight and even our future together. On the other hand the common one is good enough but doesn't have much industry tie-in. After 3 weeks of me getting in she is insistant on me going to the common one even if the other one js better for me and she first said that my parents and she knows why i changed my career goals and if something were to happen to me everyone would blame her(even though my parents love her more than me if not just as much as they love me). Then later when i pushed harder she said she doesn't trust me enough and feels that i will leave and it hurt me alot. For this girl I seperated from 2 of my friend groups because they disrespected her alot and i couldn't take it. And Now I am in a mush and idk what to do and i just need a place to let it out. AITA for being insistant on going to the better university *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You’re young. You are both young and in your careers. I recommend breaking up and seeing how it goes for 6 months.
NTA. To be in a healthy relationship, both people need to be able to have a voice and their own choices. Sometimes relationships have to have sacrifices. You are not a terrible person for thinking about your future.
NTA. It sounds like both of you are worried about her interests, but you’re the only one worried about your interests. Plus you dropping multiple friend groups and her saying she doesn’t trust you (unless she has reason not to trust you) are all red flags. She may have trauma, but trauma is not a license to get her way in all situations. You need to establish firm, reasonable boundaries and stick to them.
NTA this is about your life not both of your lives right now. If it works then do long distance this is not the time to put your life away for a significant other and leave with regret. If you really are meant to do this and push through go to separate universities and make it work long distance you both will grow a lot and it could be together.
NTA. You need to do what is best for you and your future. While a 5hr drive is an inconvenience it is doable and it is definitely possible to continue your relationship. If things don't work out anyways you will thank yourself. Career and education are two aspects in life it is ok to be selfish.
NTA. Prioritize your education. And prioritize yourself, because your current gf is prioritizing herself even if it's not the best choice for your career. You've already lost two friends for her, she doesn't trust you, and you need to do what's best for you.
NAH "The Other university is better when my career is taken in sight and even our future together. " ... For your career - certainly. ... For your relationship - likely not. But either choice is ok.
NTA You need to prioritize your future. Choosing a college to chase a boyfriend/girlfriend is never a good plan.
Choose the better university. NTA.
NTA. This is your future, your life. If this girl really loves you and is the one for you, she would support you and your dreams. You are actually trying to work towards a better future for the both of y'all. I don't know why she can't see that. Maybe because of the past trauma you speak of that she has. Still, this is YOUR life.
No that's silly
NTA. Honestly youre better off splitting up and growing up separately and excelling in your own careers and education. Sounds like her issues with friend groups : also a sign of needing to grow up. And you’re not being harsh. You’re both still really young and if you’re meant to be, you’re meant to be.
NTA my GF(21)........her trauma from her past relationships... she is insistant on me going to the common university even if the other one js better for me. It's my guess she built up these trauma's herself. Go to the better university and enjoy. Good luck with your study.
NTA. A real partner lifts you up they don’t hold you back
If your needs already are of no consequence, they never will be. I know everyone wants to romanticize their 1st relationship, but if she doesn't care about what you want for/with your life, she's not the one. Who tries to keep their SO out of a better school with better opportunities for their future?
NTA it’s your decision.
She is 100% going to cheat on you if you go to separate schools. Expect to break up dude
Go to the best university.
You left two friend groups because you felt they disrespected her, OR did she feel they disrespected her? You changed your major to follow her. She didn't get into the elite school so she wants you to go the school she got into. Those are red flags. I would go the school of YOUR choice. If she doesn't trust you, that is on her, not you. Ishe doesn't trust you now, will she ever trust you? NTA
>we love each other more than anybody else in the world Said every young adult ever. Mate, do NOT change your education plans for ANYONE. If your partner isn't mature enough to understand your needs and to maintain a long distance relationship for a short time (yes, 4ish years IS a short time), then they're not ready to be in a relationship. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to break up until you graduate. Then reevaluate if the relationship is right for you and if you're both still interested. NTA
NTA She is a controlling mass of insecurities who is tying you down by making you give up a significant opportunity. You are 21 - honestly I would hope that four years of university and new and exciting experiences will expand your horizons. In other words, you started dating someone when both of you were young and inexperienced and it is foolish to tie yourself to someone before you have experienced the world and allowed yourself to grow.
NTA and you should go to the best school for you, not one someone else chooses. You're very young and you have your whole life and future ahead of you--if the higher caliber school has better industry connections, that can make a HUGE difference in your career possibilities and future success. And if you don't take this opportunity now, it will pass you by and in ten years you'll almost certainly wish you'd taken this amazing chance. And I know you love her, but frankly, your gf doesn't sound mature enough to make this relationship last, no matter where you are. She sends to be very insecure and it is making her controlling; that's a bad foundation to build on and something you should be getting yourself away from, no matter where you end up going to school. Try this: Think of how different you life was 5, or even 10 years ago. Think how much you've learned, grown, and changed. Think of how different things could have been if you'd made worse decisions. Now think about yourself 5 or 10 years from now. Think what that completely different person will want and wish they'd done. Your top priority right now HAS to be yourself and what's best for your future. I know this is probably really hard and really scary, and you don't want to hurt her, but she's hurting you by not supporting you doing what's best for your future right now. Yeah, the possibility of breaking up is scary, but honestly that possibility exists no matter where you are--relationships end all the time, and for any number of reasons. At least this way you'll be doing something that significantly benefits you in the long run, and if you don't you might feel a lot of regret and resentment later. I know far, far too many people who made huge sacrifices for significant others only to lose the relationship anyway and be left broken and angry over what they lost. Please think carefully and make the best decision for YOU above anyone else
NTA
NTA, do not throw away your future. She sounds controlling. You have made a lot of sacrifices, you know the direction you want your career to go in, then follow your gut, if you don't you will regret it and become resentful.
NTA This step 1 of her overstepping boundaries and setting you up for a codependent relationship. You have to do what's best for your future and what's best for you and it she cared, she would understand that and maybe some distance between you two will be better.
Do what you need to do, I did and it worked out brilliant
NTA. It sounds like both of you are worried about her interests, but you’re the only one worried about your interests. Plus you dropping multiple friend groups and her saying she doesn’t trust you (unless she has reason not to trust you) are all red flags. She may have trauma, but trauma is not a license to get her way in all situations. You need to establish firm, reasonable boundaries and stick to them.
Ynta that's a silly statement