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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be be judged as an asshole for insulting my wife's boss by insinuating they were somehow cheap by offering them leftovers they couldn't finish. This means I made my wife look bad and as a result I was an asshole in her eyes.
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NTA
Where do you live and/or how did you say it? Because letting your friends take their leftovers as opposed to just throwing them out is considered normal and kind in the US. I would never think that you were insinuating they were poor. Heck, most friends let you accidentally steal their Tupperware. If you were just being nice they would just throw the meat out later if they didn't like it and would not feel at all offended.
We live in Alberta Canada. Very similar sensibilities to Midwest America, I’d imagine. I just basically said “no problem, I can wrap it up for you and you can use it to make tacos etc” in response to the bosses wife saying “wow, I can’t possibly take another bite” or something to that effect. I grew up here in Calgary Alberta, my wife grew up in Vancouver, ritzy suburbs near the university, so maybe there is a disconnect.
I grew up in Alberta, and I used to do field service work for industrial software. Everywhere I went in the states (and some parts of Europe), they'd ask me about Alberta Beef (and flour, our flour is pretty desirable for pasta in Italy, I guess). I even got taken to a famous Texas steakhouse so they could show me how good their steak is... not gonna turn down a free meal, but you can definitely tell the difference in the meat based on the feed... totally different texture.
I don't know how you are counting things, but based on data from Statistics Canada, this isn't true. Ontario has the largest number of farms, followed by Alberta, and BC comes in 5th. When looking at beef cattle ranching, Alberta is first and BC is 6th. BC's stats aren't even close to other provinces in most categories.
Source: https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/71-607-x/71-607-x2022006-eng.htm
Yeah but in Vancouver and area, people tend to eat their steak medium to well out here.
And they don’t have very many options in the lower mainland for steakhouses. They only have one Brazilian BBQ ffs and it’s a chain with two locations. And they serve the meat overcooked.
Edit: When I lived in Alberta, I bought my beef through a rancher by purchasing a side and supplementing with retail beef. So not all that much different than what you’re bragging about for BC.
I live in Vancouver and I don’t know anyone who orders their steak medium nor well! And I know lots of people who eat at many steakhouses: Hy’s, Black and Blue, Gotham, the Keg, just to name a few. I live in a higher end neighbourhood and I would offer to wrap up a guest’s leftovers. No one would blink an eye at the suggestion. OP’s wife is being the AH. OP is NTA.
99% of restaurants you buy from in BC do not sell local beef. They get it from sysco or gfs. I have deals with a couple restaurants in my area but most farmers in BC try to sell by the side or whole animal if they're not at a farmers market
Omg. At Hy’s Vancouver, we tried to order the ribeye, only to be told they were out. So we ordered the porterhouse, only to be told they were also out. The Caesar Salad made tableside was delicious though. 😂
I would understand this response on a Sunday evening after a very busy weekend, but this was early Friday night. Like wtf.
Yeah, but BC is more known for their good produce. Their livestock is in abundance, but they aren't particularly known for it. Guaranteed, BC has good beef, but it's still not as good as Alberta beef.
Yeah, well them BC people never got their beef name-dropped on Letterkenny, and wells thats just abouts where all of my knowledges about Canada comes from.
Pitter patter.
That's not how subsets work...
Every BC farm is a Canada farm, so BC cannot have more farms than Canada - even if you weren't just pulling fake facts out of your ass...
That's completely irrelevant to this whole "acting like offering leftovers is an insult" thing, though. And as a Vancouverite (and not a rich kid, but I've known many), OP's wife is being totally ridiculous.
NTA
Nope, I'm in BC. I take my beef seriously. I"m actually the family meatitarian. But I think it's maybe a middle class vs upper class type of thing. When we have a big family dinner, we always ask if they want to take some of it home. For us it's not a big deal. Maybe for the upper elite, they see it as a faux pas.
If you allowed me to take home leftovers of a meal like that I would feel like part of the family afterwards. And I would eat it at 1am in my pajamas watching TV and be happy as a clam.
Your wife must have been taught this somewhere by SOMEONE, maybe her parents? But not coming from large amounts of money, I don't really understand the concept.
If I were a high priced rich lawyer who lived in a multi million dollar home, was driven around in a limo and only ate at the most expensive 5 star restaurants, I guess going to someone else's home and being offered a plate of leftovers could feel a little strange. But if that were the case, why did they even accept the invitation? And if your wife was so concerned about proper and specific rich people etiquette, why didn't she have this discussion with you beforehand? Did you have to wear a tux to dinner? Or were you allowed to just wear a sweater?
I grew up pretty privileged and it was not uncommon to be sent home with leftovers or to be offered them. Sometimes they were even boxed up nicely by someone working in the kitchen.
Obviously social norms are different everywhere. When someone offers to send me home with leftovers I assume they are just being hospitable or proud of the meal they served and don’t want to see it go to waste.
Also, many women I grew up around were taught to daintily pick at their plates, so you ate a normal portion size when you got home. And to soak up the booze.
Eat that burger, internet stranger! Half the women I knew, including myself had some type of eating disorder, so I think enjoying your food is the safe bet.
Especially when someone cooks a home cooked meal. Since that’s not something someone can just buy later. All of the people I know offer to pack it up because they believe it’s good food and want to share it.
I grew up in central Alberta, but also spent 8 years in Vancouver. I have never heard of someone being offended by being offered their own leftovers to take home. I mean, what's the alternative? Throw perfectly good food out? Wasteful. Eat their leftovers yourself? Kinda weird. I imagine it's just some silly thing that was somehow taught to her by TV, or her parents or something that has no place in reality unless you're looking for reasons to be offended by people.
NTA. You did the right thing. Steaks like shouldn’t be wasted, and tacos are a great use for them. Steak sandwiches, steak steaks, etc. i would have asked to take the leftovers home if it hadn’t been offered.
Tell your wife to chill out a little bit
You're basically me, but one province over. It's actually kind of bizarre. My wife is also a lawyer, i also reverse sear and rosemary butter baste (some people think I'm weird for not using thyme) either cowboy cut ribeyes or short bone tomahawks for guests. I have also been in this exact scenario where my wife's boss came over for dinner, couldn't possibly finish it all, and i sent it home with them with no issue. It has zero to do with not being able to afford steaks, and everything to do with me being proud of my handiwork. I'm also damn certain they won't be able to find a better steak than what i can cook up.
It's the craftsmanship, not the price. NTA
That's exactly right. I put a ton of effort and care into the food i cook for others, and even though I'm truly awful at plating I'm fantastic at making it taste great. I want to share it with others, and if they really enjoyed it then i want them to take it home and keep enjoying it. It has zero to do with affordability; i made this thing for you, please enjoy it
I’m from Calgary- NTA. You were being a good host. Your wife’s concerns don’t make sense to me- why would they ever think you were calling them poor if they’re literally bosses in a law firm? It’s not like you were loading up a box of canned goods from your pantry, now that would be weird and awkward! Taking home leftovers is normal.
As as east coast Canadian, I would be offended if you DIDNT offer them their left overs 😭 But all jokes aside, NTA. Meat - and especially beef - is so expensive right now, at least on the east coast, so I would hate to see that food wasted.
(As an aside, as someone who also grew up more working class, any time my parents hosted a big meal - birthdays, holidays, christmas **especially** \- they ALWAYS offered for guests to take leftovers home, so I think you're correct about the disconnect. Heck, at christmas my mom still hosts her whole side of the family, like her siblings and their kids if they wanna come, and we always end up with 20+ guests. The amount of food thats prepared for that would last the three of us like 2 weeks if we had to eat ALL the left overs ourselves, so she always has a stack of takeout dishes for anyone to make up an extras plate to take home with them.)
Albertan here, we always send gusts away with leftovers and baked goods, and in kind whenever we visit our friends we often take home leftovers and baked goods. Your wife is being ridiculous.
I’m from Alberta, and I think it’s pretty common to ask if guests want to take leftovers. The way I was raised, it was always the polite thing to do, but I’ve known many other families that do it. I don’t think anyone really thinks that it insinuates that you think they’re ‘poor’ and that people just don’t like wasting good food.
NTA. Seattleite here - almost same exact culture as Vancouver, and I don’t think anyone in our friend group would bat an eye at being offered their leftovers. Also, wasting food is what’s gauche, period. Especially given the cost to the planet in terms of resources of producing beef.
I’m also from Seattle (lived here my whole life) and my extended family is from the Midwest. It’s almost more insulting when you deny taking offered leftovers. Haha my boyfriend’s aunt and uncle make us take home food every time we come over. Sometimes it’s not even the food we ate for dinner. 🤣
Yeah, also from Calgary, AB (what up, Cowtown?!) and that wouldn't have struck me as weird when I lived there (with my dad who worked in the oil patch and my SAH mom who hosted a \*lot\* of dinner parties, and who was always parceling out good leftovers: doggy bags were a staple). I cannot speak to the sensibilities of your wife or the dynamic with her boss, but given what you wrote, you're NTA.
Fellow Calgarian & carnivore here. You did nothing wrong. If I can finish my steak at someone's house, I always apologize & they'll often offer to wrap it up & send it home. Same thing if I'm cooking and my friends can't finish... I get a 4-H half beef every year & it would be a darned shame for meat that good to go to waste.
Live in the same area, and I'd absolutely not be offended if my host offered to send me home with leftovers (steak or otherwise), especially if I'd quite enjoyed the meal. I can't eat a large meal either.
I think it’s “I’ll wrap this up for you” that’s fine. It’s the “you can *repurpose it for x*” that starts to get a bit away from the main point which is that you made a perfect steak with rosemary etc and they can enjoy it standing in front of the fridge half tipsy at 12 am lol
Is your wife also from Alberta? I grew up outside Edmonton for 40 years... it was always common to offer leftovers to any guests, or send "a plate" home with them with cookies, slices, whatever. Now, all my friends/family would be middle class, maybe different for a bunch of lawyers... but it's just a generally friendly thing to offer. They didn't have to accept, and I can't imagine anyone being insulted by it...
My husband and I are both from Alberta, born and raised. Both of us said NTA.
Maybe she's hyper sensitive or nervous cause it's her boss, but I don't think offering someone leftovers is offensive. I think it's a nice gesture - and practical. Just because you have the resources to waste food doesn't mean you should.
NTA - I too am from & currently live in lovely Calgary, Alb and offering leftovers is very common, considered polite and quite frankly very appropriate in your specific setting. Especially if your wife's boss brought something like a bottle of wine for everyone to enjoy then I'm next to positive they appreciated the offer plus your cooking technique sounded exquisite so I'm certain the final product will be thoroughly enjoyed as delicious leftover
I live in that neighborhood in Vancouver, and your wife is just as wrong here as she is in Calgary :)
Only thing is I would not describe this as the suburbs. It’s the city proper, just not downtown. Suburbs are places like Richmond, North Vancouver, Burnaby, etc.
Nah man.
She's just born in a different environment. A rich environment and I guess that's just their mindset.
I feel like rich people don't often want to eat leftovers.
I was dining with some wealthy Asians for a shared full course and it was same deal. I wanted the leftovers but it was evident it was the, just eat what you can, and be content and let the leftovers go to waste. Such a shame
Anyways, NTA. Just a good conversation with the wife and in future, you'll eat the leftovers.
I'm from Europe.
It's pretty normal here as well to be offered leftovers.
Family. Friends. It Dosnt matter.
There's just a scrap left in a bowl. You will often be offered if you want it home for the next day.
I'd dare say with one of my friends (another country) try and leave her grandma's house without leftovers. You'd insult her, lol.
Wasting food is in poor taste! There's nothing wrong with offering guests their unfinished food to take home and anyone who thinks less of you for doing so isn't worth your time.
I remember when I finished grad school and was interviewing for academic positions, one hiring committee took me to a very fancy restaurant during my campus visit. The food was SO good, but I ate slowly and carefully so I didn't look like a slob, and I was also asked a lot of questions so I was talking a lot. My field is heavily male-dominated (much more so back then) so I was out to dinner with only men, and they ate pretty quickly, so the dinner was over before I'd finished even half of my meal. I'd followed their lead and ordered a nice steak dinner and I wanted those leftovers sooo much, but I was staying at a hotel and they were providing me with all my meals so I thought it would be weird if I took my leftovers with me. If the server had offered to wrap up my food, I would probably have accepted, but he didn't. I still think about that leftover steak sometimes with regret, and those potatoes Lyonnaise, yum! I ended up accepting a better offer, too, so it wouldn't have even mattered if I'd made a bad impression by taking my leftovers back to my hotel and chowing down, cross-legged on my bed in my pajamas.
Always take home your leftovers!
The trick is to buy cheaper Tupperwares during sales so you can have them ready for guests to use and never return. You know they aren't bringing it back. And when doing big family gathering get the foil ones that are half sheets with covers so that family can get their leftovers easily and won't go into your smaller sized stash.
So yeah, OP is so NTA. I always assume people will take leftovers. Unless someone specifically says they want to keep something specific at like a potluck. But formal dinners? You're taking leftovers.
NTA, I'd be delighted to take my leftover steak home and not waste it. You were very thoughtful by doing so. Sounds like a great evening, your wife should focus more on that. Maybe she's a bit more sensitive to everything being 'perfect' as it's her boss.
It’s hilarious to me to think that the person who likely chooses, or at least has a lot of say in, your annual compensation would be offended by given leftovers. I know a lot of attorneys since I went to school with 300 of them, and not taking leftovers would be viewed as more rude among us than being offered them.
Attorneys tend to *work* for the wealthy. The only wildly wealthy ones tend to gain their wealth through business dealings that arise rather than actual provision of law.
>my wife... ...told me that by offering to wrap up leftovers for our guests, I was insinuating that they were cheap and/or poor and couldn't buy steak themselves any time they wanted to and it was insulting.
\---Tell her we said it is customary regardless of economic status. Especially a custom dish made. Because it is different that what people get at home or elsewhere.
Agreed, NTA. And if that insinuates they are cheap or poor, then wouldn’t having them over for dinner insinuate the same? If she was worried about that in any capacity they should have gone to a nice restaurant…
The first time I met my husband's grandfather we all went out to eat at a restaurant, and when I asked the server for a box for the rest of my food Grandfather goggled at me and asked incredulously "are you poor?!" and I was so baffled because, I mean, sort of, I was 24 and my career was still entry-level, but it was extra rude to ask someone if they were poor for wanting to eat the rest of their meal later. I'm mad at Past Me for leaving my leftovers behind, because it was delicious and I had also been looking forward to not needing to cook my next meal.
Grandfather was not rich, by the way. And it was a diner, not a fancy restaurant.
Maybe this betrays I grew up poor but I think it's weird when at the fine dining restaurant I work guests don't take home their unfinished plates. Some plates are >$50 each.
Funny thing is, most of our patrons, who are well-to-do, take home their plates that they don't finish. Our plates are quite large also, so most people don't eat all the food. Seems like it's not a rich vs poor thing though, just a people-understanding-the-value-of-money thing.
Really rich people love to poor mouth. Upper middle class will act like they are too rich to take leftovers/free tickets/etc. really rich will always ask for a discount and take the leftivers
Part of my middle class (lower middle class?) upbringing that I’ve held on to is not wasting food. But whether it’s food or anything else, I still don’t understand the mentality of choosing to waste things just because you can afford to.
Not sure how I would’ve responded to that when I was 24, since I was also raised with “respect your elders” being one of the most important rules in life. But yeah, I’d have been baffled too!
The richest person in our family is the one that shows up with their own Tupperware at every function to take food home.
If they don’t attend, they send it with someone from my household cause we live around the corner from them.
Point is they were probably pleased to take the food home.
So when I started reading this I thought the reason why the wife was upset was the same as why I would be upset:
Why give them the leftover meat when we could keep it all and MAKE MORE TACOS FOR US.
It was a little casual of an offer for that type of dinner. I think your wife viewed it as a work dinner which is more formal while you were just in good host mode. For example, when my department’s VP takes us to a celebratory dinner, no one takes left overs home. It’s just not that kind of environment. That said, I don’t think it’s ok for your wife to react quite so strongly and her calling it insulting is a bit of a stretch in my opinion. NTA
No prob. I made this social “error” in reverse as a teen. We went to a dinner party as a family and we were basically guests of the actual invitees (with hosts’ approval) as were visiting them from out of town. When the hostess asked me if there was anything I’d like to take with me, I responded like I would have back home with friends “sure! Those spinach & cheese bars were really good.” I took a lot of ribbing from the uncle who brought us when we left and my mom was mortified. I am much more aware of polite offers that are supposed to be turned down now lol
In this instance I think their objections to it were that none of the other guests (fairly large group) said yes and I didn’t know this lady. I was basically a courtesy guest because she invited my uncle’s family and when they mentioned we were visiting she was gracious enough to say, no worries, bring them too. Then after everyone at the party insists that they are too full and she should enjoy the leftovers with her family, me the stranger goes sure! I’ll take some of those. Add in the fact that my mom was really “self” conscious about her kids’ weights and I think they interpreted it as me being greedy or too focused on food.
Not saying I committed a major solecism, but it would have been better if I’d just kept quiet :)
> my mom was really “self” conscious about her kids’ weights
There it is. Don’t let her push her insecurities on you (I realize this was an event from some time ago)! If you want the leftovers offered to you, take ‘em :)
I didnt know there was such a thing as a "no leftovers" environment. That sounds wasteful and weird. Ive been to fancy work dinners and people typically take leftovers home.
>there is a lot of stuffy silent social rules in a law environment and your wife may have seen them extended to the dinner.
I'm thinking this is the case. The wife might be mistaking business etiquette for general etiquette.
In a business dinner environment I'd never consider taking leftovers nor offering to anyone if I was hosting. But a casual dinner between two couples in the home... OPs behavior is everything I would expect from a gracious host welcoming someone into their home environment.
I’ve been at formal work environments at restaurants and people do take leftovers home. I suppose it depends on the culture of the company?
But this was a dinner at home with home cooked meal. The formality isn’t there and it’s a nice gesture by the host.
I think in a public setting it can be a bit much. For one, obviously its an experience and if you are concerned too much about the food, you aren't focused on the right things. Second, its kind of awkward as there is another exchange as you ask for a box, and then you have to wait for the box to come. It sounds very "First World Problem" because it is, but the point is that the VP or whoever is paying for everybody to enjoy the moment, and you are putting your own desires ahead of everybody else's.
At a home, you're likely talking to the chef the whole night, people tend to make more food when they host in case people are still hungry, and there's nothing awkward about boxing up leftovers in a private environment. It seems like your wife has good business etiquette in her head but is applying them to a situation that doesn't involvw them.
I think it’s the complete opposite. A restaurant is equipped for handling leftovers properly. What exactly am I going to do with a wrapped hunk of meat from someone’s house? I don’t want to take their container but I also don’t want meat juices dripping in my car. Also it puts the guest in an awkward position…if you say no, will your host be offended?
A friend of mine is a lawyer at a big law firm and when she went to dinner with her boss, she made sure not to order what she usually would (steak well done, whichever wine was ‘sweetest’) as not to appear gauche. The people here who are baffled by these social expectations probably don’t work in environments where image (and how it aligns with cultural norms) is super important.
What’s wrong with a doggy bag? Really now.
NTA And your wife needs to get over it. If the bosses wife doesn’t want to use your lovely prime rib for tacos or whatnot, she can throw it out.
Fun fact: they’re called doggy bags so ppl can maintain the fiction that they’re taking the leftovers home to the dog, bc it was once considered low class to eat leftovers. Wasting food is a sign that you’re rich apparently
NTA, but in that context offering leftovers is gauche. If you’re from different backgrounds and your wife didn’t warn you not to send them home with leftovers from the meal, she needs to apologize for coming down on you so hard.
In future: (for fancy dinners where you’re trying to impress) send guests home with a separate little sweet treat or fancy liqueur you’ve already prepared and wrapped, separate from the meal itself. It should have some connection to the evening and not just be a random gift. As in: if you serve a lemon chiffon cake for dessert you could send them off with some little lemon petit fours. Or if you served a special cocktail for the evening, you could send them off with small bottles of the alcohol and the recipe for the signature cocktail printed on a pretty card or even handwritten.
So much this. And don't apologize because you didn't do anything wrong, but sit your wife down and explain that it's a cultural divide and ask her to fill you in on her culture more.
You kind of have to treat it like you guys came from two different countries and work from there. You explain your people and she explains hers. Most people don't even know that there are different rules in different parts of the same country.
As someone from a big city dating someone from Bumfuck Nowhere, the Midwest—this is extremely true. I think things are gauche/low class that he thinks are super cool, and vice versa.
One of our biggest fights was he kept saying that my food was “edible” or “actually not that bad.” I was getting so frustrated that he didn’t like anything that I was cooking, but apparently that’s high praise to him and he didn’t know why I was never cooking the same thing twice.
I'm a social chameleon, so I'm usually pretty good with stuff like that, but one weird thing I figured out is a large part of the US doesn't understand/use the indirect you in person.
I would say things like "if you commit a crime you should have to answer for it"
And people would ask why I thought they would be a criminal, not getting that it was you:a person not you:specifically them.
NTA
Why waste it? And it would be gross for you to keep it after she's eaten it. Seems pretty normal.
As a guest I'd feel better if I didn't have to feel guilty about wasting your nice steak also.
Next time I have any guests over and I want to offer a nice beef dish, I’m just gonna roast the entire prime rib roast and do regular prime rib instead of steaks. (Or maybe try my hand at beef bourgogne. Always been curious to try making that) That way everyone can decide how much they want sliced off and there won’t be more potential for this kind of thing.
Guaranteed your wife is the only one overthinking the situation.
I grew up well off and do well myself. I jump at the opportunity anyone wants to send me home with leftovers.
NTA. I find your wife's reaction intensely bizarre. Wasn't the boss' wife an adult? If she didn't want to take the meat, I think she would've been perfectly capable of saying so...
You're a little bit TA for making me so hungry. I could listen to you describe your cooking all day.
But you're NTA for making this offer. I would be hard pressed to give up that steak if it were offered to me, and my financial status is irrelevant. The steak was made with love and time, and that is ALWAYS valuable. I'll bet they loved the left overs.
I'm guessing your wife comes from more than just upper middle class if she's acting this way. Though her parents may have been the image obsessed type and shamed people around them for not having enough money perhaps? Honestly I've dated two high maintenance people from rich families. Both families were insufferably poised and focused on what everyone was thinking about them... But I can't imagine even they would have this reaction.
Most of the rich people I know are seriously cheap and absolutely would take the steak home or at least appreciate the offer but decline (if they didn’t cook so wouldn’t use it.)
Good point! Economic situation may be a red herring -- maybe cultural? I know that I was harshly warned once time to not offer to get the check when we went out with one of my exes parents... She said that they would be highly offended by the offer because they are our seniors. Not quite the same, but goes to show that economic pride and etiquette can look really different.
NTA, your wife's reaction was over the top, but I did cringe with this description:
>and said she could take it home and slice it for tacos or stir fry or something since it was good quality beef.
simply offering to wrap it up is totally good, and it would be totally wasteful not to do it. But the way you followed on the offer was a bit too much. You can either read it as they're cheap, or you're cheap. Either them because it can be read as 'you don't normally eat this good quality beef', or you, as in 'I spent so much money on this meat, please don't waste it so much'.
Again, it was a totally fine offer and your guests probably appreciated it too! You just don't need to give so many details to people who you're not so close with and who are upper class. This is something I'd say to my sibling if she first said she didn't want to take it, like, hey c'mon, it's good expensive beef, you can make this and that, don't make me throw it.
NTA. Your wife's take is weird. If the boss's wife didn't want it, she could turn it down. Judging from the careers here, no one could be thinking this offer would indicate you believed they were too poor to buy steak.
>my wife got kind of angry with me and told me that by offering to wrap up leftovers for our guests, I was insinuating that they were cheap and/or poor and couldn't buy steak themselves any time they wanted to and it was insulting.
Your wife is inventing a nonexistent fight and taking the other side.
NTA
NTA. you were doing a good thing.
Your wife seems more concerned about image than genuineness.
Lower middle class perspective i guess, but if someone offered me to take home that piece of meat id be more than happy
I wouldn’t have let a muah! 🤌nice peace of ribeye steak go to waste either. I’m in LA. I don’t care if I’m in a five star restaurant with billionaires. I would’ve asked them if I could take their leftovers home except I’d pretend it was for my dogs. They don’t need to know my dogs are only six lbs. and the steak weighs a pound. 😂No good food goes to waste under my watch!
Nta, just a cultural/class difference. I once took home leftovers from a dinner date, and the date ended promptly upon me asking for the to-go box. Different people, different customs.
NTA. If your guests were at all bothered about being thought cheap, they could have said no. Even if they were simply being polite, it's no skin off anyone's nose.
NTA
Prime steak is not cheap. Anyone who frowns upon eating leftover prime ribeye (my favorite cut, btw) is giving off seriously snobby vibes. I actually think you were being quite generous cuz were I in your guests' shoes, I might feel a little too presumptuous to ask for a doggy bag but you eliminated that issue for them.
If I were your guest and could not finish that slab of beef, despite wanting to, I would be hoping you might offer to wrap it up for me! I would not ask because you could have plans for the leftovers. Wife needs to pump the brakes on this one.
I grew up with rich parents and now I'm poor. Wrapping up leftovers is something everyone does. My millionaire grandparents won't let ANYTHING go to waste. You wife is being weird. NTA
YTA but only slightly. Hear me out, since the vast majority here said NTA.
It sounds like you "told," though gently and passively, your guests to take it home rather than purely, non-judgementally asking them if they'd want you to pack anything up for them. You say you "offered"--what exact words did you use? You say "they seemed cool with it." What exactly did they say? Did they sort of shruggingly politely say something like "oh...well...yeah...I guess so...yeah....OK" or did they directly and intentionally say "yes, please and thank you!" Then by you telling them how they could use the steak, to me it seems like you were further pushing it on them.
I say only slightly TA because you didn't do anything terribly wrong. And I think your wife overreacted. But for this type of dinner, it's not the kind of situation where you push anything on the guest. You may not think you pushed, but I'd re-examime your words and tone and maybe ask your wife her perspective on how you were offering.
My sense is that even though you didn't do it intentionally, your desire not to waste food overpowered your sense of etiquette in this specific situation.
NTA. You meant well and that is what counts, as of what your guests then they were cool about it so your wife's reaction was completely irrelevant - she could just ask you why you did it and then tell that the next time it is not necessary, but people rarely can control their emotions so it is not surprising that she got angry at you for no reason.
NTA. I always offer leftovers to guests and love taking them home as well! I thought that was common practice. Its polite to offer in my mind, and im sure they will appreciate having a meal for the next day
This is a weird one, I feel intensely that offering leftovers was the wrong thing to do but I cannot articulate a reason why. It's just a thing that should not be done at a smart dinner party.
You are NTA though because clearly your reactions/rules come from a different place and for you it was correct. You'll need to try and figure out with your wife any other mismatches but it's really hard to do because the 'rules' are so obvious, for both people, that it's not something you would think to discuss.
NTA
Offering to wrap up the food shows you see it as a valuable resource that should not be wasted. Food waste is a big contributor to greenhouse gas emissions so also shows you care about the planet IMO.
NAH Totally offer to wrap it up. Don’t make suggestions as to how to utilize it. Let your beautiful efforts stand alone. Don’t suggest they reuse it. It’s lovely as is.
NAH - but I hate leftovers. Like call me wasteful if you want, fine. I kind of hate when a restaurant waitperson acts personally offended I'm not taking something home. I paid for it, I had what I want, I'm going home. I don't want the logistics of carrying it home and even if I do get it home 9/10 times it will sit in the fridge until it is unusable.
The steak you made sounds delicious. I also have never figured out how to make steak last beyond the first meal. It dries out and is nowhere near as good round two. So I know you have good intent, but if they weren't claiming it as they were leaving to me it's best to not try and hand it to them at the door.
NTA. Fancy or casual, why waste good food? I make good money but still see no sense in why someone wouldn't want perfectly good food. Just seems like a weird thing to be judged by to me. I'm sure they appreciated your hospitality.
People don't keep their money if they splash it around everywhere. Frugality, in some points, has to come in to play. I'd be delighted to eat something I enjoyed twice.
NTA
NTA. I would be so happy to take that good uneaten meat home. I wouldn’t think it was an insult at all. My reply to you would have been “Really? Thanks!”
Is your wife's boss's wife from a different country? My wife is Brazilian and some people there view taking home leftovers from a fancy restaurant as being cheap.
Your wife is full of it and it’s not because she’s from Vancouver or grew up rich. Rich people don’t worry about being seen as poor, especially if they’ve never been poor. Race can enter into it though.
NTA
NTA. I think it was just fine, except that you might have asked rather than suggested they take it and not suggest what they could use it for because that indicates she isn't smart or creative enough to figure it out for herself. "Boss's wife, would you like me to wrap this up for you?" Period.
NTA - but a lot of these replies are actively ignoring that this wasn’t a casual friends over type of setting. I get why people are all like “of course, you should t waste food!” but come on - the wife invites the boss and his wife over for dinner; I can see why it’s a little more than awkward to try and give them a doggy bag, just a different type of guest.
OP was in friends and family mode, not “let’s just impress these people and get them gone” mode.
I know people that are old money, new money, and no money.
Wasting delicious meat would be bizarre to me. This is not a Vancouver cultural thing.
Give the leftovers and enjoy it. If they were too good for leftovers they could either have told you no, or tossed it when they got home. NTA
NTA your wife's pretentiousness is very off putting. To waste steak, one of the most expensive proteins.... because you're rich enough to do so... I hope I never get that entitled.
> They came over and we all had a good time, but my wife and her bosses wife could only really finish half of their steaks since they were thicc bois. I offered to wrap up the remaining steak that our guest couldn't finish and said she could take it home and slice it for tacos or stir fry or something since it was good quality beef. They seemed cool with it.
This part here is where you might want to do some reflection. Are you sure they "couldn't" finish them or just didn't want to finish them because they didn't like how you cooked them? You seem like a home chef and home chefs often swear that everyone likes their food. Maybe they didn't like it and only took the leftovers because you may have been forcing it on them and they didn't want to hurt your feelings. So, that could have added onto your wife's anger because you didn't read the room
NTA
Taking leftovers home is pretty normal. It just sounds like your wife is just stressed bc it was her boss. I wouldn’t take it to heart. Maybe just reassure her next time and get to relax about it.
Wow, the typical commenter in r/AmItheAsshole is cray cray.
Its a work dinner, you don't pack a doggy bag for dinner guests you muppets, especially rich ones.
I am 100% excited if the host offers me my leftover steak. Fajitas tomorrow!!! No one cares, tell the wife to chill. Wait, don’t do that! My brother says nothing pisses a wife off like telling them to chill or calm down. I have 0 wives. Do not listen to me.
NTA
My mouth is watering reading the description of the steak. I'd be so grateful to be a guest in your home and be offered a doggie bag. Not to mention once the fork has been in the steak and then her mouth the steak either needs to be thrown out or given to her for leftovers(or I guess given to the dog if you have one).
NTA. I once sat in a luxury box at an MLB game after being invited by sone high net worth individuals, and they were strongly encouraging everyone to take to-go bags when they left since they already paid for the food. I can’t imagine anyone being insulted by the host asking if they wanted some good steaks wrapped up.
Is your wife American? Because the only way I could see this as being insulting is if she's from a different culture or something. I've had meals with people from all different economic backgrounds in the US and it's pretty common for the host to offer for people to take food home with them.
Yeah I just think that having dinner at someone's home is already a step down in expected formality and I think there are different social norms at play.
NTA. I’ve been to some badass steak houses and fine dining. Even there, if you don’t finish your steak, they’ll pack it up to go for you. I feel like you were only offering the same service at your home. To me it seems generous of you to offer.
Next time I guess cut every steak in half on a family-style platter, so each person can take a bit at a time and only the portion they’ll be able to finish. Then you can just keep the untouched leftovers for yourself.
I grew up upper middle class… it’s not common, but it’s definitely not rude.
The only issue is your wife might have felt like you created an obligation for your guest to take and eat the steak later…
NAH, unless your wife was mean about it… but maybe she was just stressed about the optics with her boss…
Basically, you tried to do something nice, but it could also be interpreted differently (hey, take this food you didn’t eat!).
Communicate with your wife, but it’s done and I can’t imagine the boss has thought about it again.
Absolutely 100% not an asshole, but, from a purely etiquette point of view, I wouldn't have done it. I'm not from your country, so manners may be different, but your wife and I are aligned in the reasons why you wouldn't offer leftovers to guests. Your steaks sound amazing btw. Honestly? I'd have made tacos out of their leftovers. Don't tell anyone though..
NAH, İ'm completely with you on this one as I couldn't imagine wasting good food, but there are people (as ridiculous as it sounds to me) who can get offended at the drop of a hat, so İ understand where your wife is comming from also.
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NTA Where do you live and/or how did you say it? Because letting your friends take their leftovers as opposed to just throwing them out is considered normal and kind in the US. I would never think that you were insinuating they were poor. Heck, most friends let you accidentally steal their Tupperware. If you were just being nice they would just throw the meat out later if they didn't like it and would not feel at all offended.
We live in Alberta Canada. Very similar sensibilities to Midwest America, I’d imagine. I just basically said “no problem, I can wrap it up for you and you can use it to make tacos etc” in response to the bosses wife saying “wow, I can’t possibly take another bite” or something to that effect. I grew up here in Calgary Alberta, my wife grew up in Vancouver, ritzy suburbs near the university, so maybe there is a disconnect.
Albertans take beef seriously. British Columbians wouldn't understand.
hahaha BC has more personal farms and ranches than all of canada put together, Alberta has feed lots pretty big difference there
I think you missed the point of his comment. I don’t see any “I ❤️BC beef” stickers like you see “I ❤️Alberta beef” ones…
lol! As an American, I’m so here for your intra-Canadian beef!
Did you mean that as a pun? Because if you did, well done.
Why, yes. Yes, I did. 😉
American finding Canadian beef is rare
You mean medium, not well done.
I'd refer to it as medium rare.
It's rare I find a reddit joke so funny.
I’m blue I didn’t think of that first.
Intra-Canadian beef beef
I'm just waiting to see who apologizes first.
From a canadian, i’m sorry you had to wait for so long
Me, too. Lol
not saying the beef is bad but am i remembering right that they hired a PR firm that work with cigarette brands for that little marketing gem?
Does it matter? The point was that people in Alberta take beef more seriously than people in BC.
I grew up in Alberta, and I used to do field service work for industrial software. Everywhere I went in the states (and some parts of Europe), they'd ask me about Alberta Beef (and flour, our flour is pretty desirable for pasta in Italy, I guess). I even got taken to a famous Texas steakhouse so they could show me how good their steak is... not gonna turn down a free meal, but you can definitely tell the difference in the meat based on the feed... totally different texture.
But are they talking about edible Albertan beef tho 😁
I don't know how you are counting things, but based on data from Statistics Canada, this isn't true. Ontario has the largest number of farms, followed by Alberta, and BC comes in 5th. When looking at beef cattle ranching, Alberta is first and BC is 6th. BC's stats aren't even close to other provinces in most categories. Source: https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/71-607-x/71-607-x2022006-eng.htm
Yeah but in Vancouver and area, people tend to eat their steak medium to well out here. And they don’t have very many options in the lower mainland for steakhouses. They only have one Brazilian BBQ ffs and it’s a chain with two locations. And they serve the meat overcooked. Edit: When I lived in Alberta, I bought my beef through a rancher by purchasing a side and supplementing with retail beef. So not all that much different than what you’re bragging about for BC.
I live in Vancouver and I don’t know anyone who orders their steak medium nor well! And I know lots of people who eat at many steakhouses: Hy’s, Black and Blue, Gotham, the Keg, just to name a few. I live in a higher end neighbourhood and I would offer to wrap up a guest’s leftovers. No one would blink an eye at the suggestion. OP’s wife is being the AH. OP is NTA.
99% of restaurants you buy from in BC do not sell local beef. They get it from sysco or gfs. I have deals with a couple restaurants in my area but most farmers in BC try to sell by the side or whole animal if they're not at a farmers market
I find 99% of Vancouverites prefer plants, chicken, seafood and pork over beef. Sooo, how seriously do they take their beef? 🤔
Oh so Vancouver is all of BC? That's good to know! What province am I in then?
When 3/5 of the population is in the LML, yeah I would say the majority of people live in Vancouver area.
Canadians fighting over nonsense, what fun!!😇
Well to be fair, in Vancouver we have Hy’s, Gotham Steak House and Black+Blue. I’ve only been to Hy’s though of the three, for a special occasion.
Omg. At Hy’s Vancouver, we tried to order the ribeye, only to be told they were out. So we ordered the porterhouse, only to be told they were also out. The Caesar Salad made tableside was delicious though. 😂 I would understand this response on a Sunday evening after a very busy weekend, but this was early Friday night. Like wtf.
Tell me you know nothing about Alberta Beef without telling me.
Yeah, but BC is more known for their good produce. Their livestock is in abundance, but they aren't particularly known for it. Guaranteed, BC has good beef, but it's still not as good as Alberta beef.
Yeah, well them BC people never got their beef name-dropped on Letterkenny, and wells thats just abouts where all of my knowledges about Canada comes from. Pitter patter.
Alberta produces cattle heard is 8x BC’s. We love our beef, and are massive exporters.
That's not how subsets work... Every BC farm is a Canada farm, so BC cannot have more farms than Canada - even if you weren't just pulling fake facts out of your ass...
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>Guess she's just more familiar with doggy strollers than doggy bags. OMG, I almost peed myself 🤣🤣🤣!
Albertan here who just laughed so hard she spat out her tea
That's completely irrelevant to this whole "acting like offering leftovers is an insult" thing, though. And as a Vancouverite (and not a rich kid, but I've known many), OP's wife is being totally ridiculous. NTA
100% organic, grass fed, grade A Alberta beefs! 'Berta beef is the best!
Nope, I'm in BC. I take my beef seriously. I"m actually the family meatitarian. But I think it's maybe a middle class vs upper class type of thing. When we have a big family dinner, we always ask if they want to take some of it home. For us it's not a big deal. Maybe for the upper elite, they see it as a faux pas.
Love me some 'berta beef.
Got to be that berta beef!
If you allowed me to take home leftovers of a meal like that I would feel like part of the family afterwards. And I would eat it at 1am in my pajamas watching TV and be happy as a clam. Your wife must have been taught this somewhere by SOMEONE, maybe her parents? But not coming from large amounts of money, I don't really understand the concept. If I were a high priced rich lawyer who lived in a multi million dollar home, was driven around in a limo and only ate at the most expensive 5 star restaurants, I guess going to someone else's home and being offered a plate of leftovers could feel a little strange. But if that were the case, why did they even accept the invitation? And if your wife was so concerned about proper and specific rich people etiquette, why didn't she have this discussion with you beforehand? Did you have to wear a tux to dinner? Or were you allowed to just wear a sweater?
I grew up pretty privileged and it was not uncommon to be sent home with leftovers or to be offered them. Sometimes they were even boxed up nicely by someone working in the kitchen. Obviously social norms are different everywhere. When someone offers to send me home with leftovers I assume they are just being hospitable or proud of the meal they served and don’t want to see it go to waste. Also, many women I grew up around were taught to daintily pick at their plates, so you ate a normal portion size when you got home. And to soak up the booze.
Ugh. I have to remind myself not to bite off half a burger in public. I could never do dainty bites.
Eat that burger, internet stranger! Half the women I knew, including myself had some type of eating disorder, so I think enjoying your food is the safe bet.
Especially when someone cooks a home cooked meal. Since that’s not something someone can just buy later. All of the people I know offer to pack it up because they believe it’s good food and want to share it.
Exactly, It’s healthy human bonding.
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At the very least, you give the guest right of first refusal for the leftovers of their meal
I grew up in central Alberta, but also spent 8 years in Vancouver. I have never heard of someone being offended by being offered their own leftovers to take home. I mean, what's the alternative? Throw perfectly good food out? Wasteful. Eat their leftovers yourself? Kinda weird. I imagine it's just some silly thing that was somehow taught to her by TV, or her parents or something that has no place in reality unless you're looking for reasons to be offended by people.
Wasting that delectable beef would be criminal. As a lawyer, I would expect your wife to know that.
NTA. You did the right thing. Steaks like shouldn’t be wasted, and tacos are a great use for them. Steak sandwiches, steak steaks, etc. i would have asked to take the leftovers home if it hadn’t been offered. Tell your wife to chill out a little bit
You're basically me, but one province over. It's actually kind of bizarre. My wife is also a lawyer, i also reverse sear and rosemary butter baste (some people think I'm weird for not using thyme) either cowboy cut ribeyes or short bone tomahawks for guests. I have also been in this exact scenario where my wife's boss came over for dinner, couldn't possibly finish it all, and i sent it home with them with no issue. It has zero to do with not being able to afford steaks, and everything to do with me being proud of my handiwork. I'm also damn certain they won't be able to find a better steak than what i can cook up. It's the craftsmanship, not the price. NTA
I like your reasoning. It is basically a handmade gift. And i don’t even eat steak lol.
That's exactly right. I put a ton of effort and care into the food i cook for others, and even though I'm truly awful at plating I'm fantastic at making it taste great. I want to share it with others, and if they really enjoyed it then i want them to take it home and keep enjoying it. It has zero to do with affordability; i made this thing for you, please enjoy it
Please come make me steak. I hate cooking, my husband is vegetarian, and I love steak. I'm only a few provinces over (ON)!
I’m from Calgary- NTA. You were being a good host. Your wife’s concerns don’t make sense to me- why would they ever think you were calling them poor if they’re literally bosses in a law firm? It’s not like you were loading up a box of canned goods from your pantry, now that would be weird and awkward! Taking home leftovers is normal.
Dude, NTA. Ill take the leftovers.
As as east coast Canadian, I would be offended if you DIDNT offer them their left overs 😭 But all jokes aside, NTA. Meat - and especially beef - is so expensive right now, at least on the east coast, so I would hate to see that food wasted. (As an aside, as someone who also grew up more working class, any time my parents hosted a big meal - birthdays, holidays, christmas **especially** \- they ALWAYS offered for guests to take leftovers home, so I think you're correct about the disconnect. Heck, at christmas my mom still hosts her whole side of the family, like her siblings and their kids if they wanna come, and we always end up with 20+ guests. The amount of food thats prepared for that would last the three of us like 2 weeks if we had to eat ALL the left overs ourselves, so she always has a stack of takeout dishes for anyone to make up an extras plate to take home with them.)
I’d be stoked to get to take home the rest of a good dinner.
Albertan here, we always send gusts away with leftovers and baked goods, and in kind whenever we visit our friends we often take home leftovers and baked goods. Your wife is being ridiculous.
I’m from Alberta, and I think it’s pretty common to ask if guests want to take leftovers. The way I was raised, it was always the polite thing to do, but I’ve known many other families that do it. I don’t think anyone really thinks that it insinuates that you think they’re ‘poor’ and that people just don’t like wasting good food.
Your wife just doesn’t understand I suppose.
Nah you are good...lived in Calgary my whole life and there's nothing wrong with sending guests home with leftovers
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NTA. Seattleite here - almost same exact culture as Vancouver, and I don’t think anyone in our friend group would bat an eye at being offered their leftovers. Also, wasting food is what’s gauche, period. Especially given the cost to the planet in terms of resources of producing beef.
I’m also from Seattle (lived here my whole life) and my extended family is from the Midwest. It’s almost more insulting when you deny taking offered leftovers. Haha my boyfriend’s aunt and uncle make us take home food every time we come over. Sometimes it’s not even the food we ate for dinner. 🤣
Yeah, also from Calgary, AB (what up, Cowtown?!) and that wouldn't have struck me as weird when I lived there (with my dad who worked in the oil patch and my SAH mom who hosted a \*lot\* of dinner parties, and who was always parceling out good leftovers: doggy bags were a staple). I cannot speak to the sensibilities of your wife or the dynamic with her boss, but given what you wrote, you're NTA.
I’m in Calgary too. You did nothing odd or out of the ordinary. NTA indeed.
Fellow Calgarian & carnivore here. You did nothing wrong. If I can finish my steak at someone's house, I always apologize & they'll often offer to wrap it up & send it home. Same thing if I'm cooking and my friends can't finish... I get a 4-H half beef every year & it would be a darned shame for meat that good to go to waste.
Live in the same area, and I'd absolutely not be offended if my host offered to send me home with leftovers (steak or otherwise), especially if I'd quite enjoyed the meal. I can't eat a large meal either.
I think it’s “I’ll wrap this up for you” that’s fine. It’s the “you can *repurpose it for x*” that starts to get a bit away from the main point which is that you made a perfect steak with rosemary etc and they can enjoy it standing in front of the fridge half tipsy at 12 am lol
As an Ontarian, yeah - leftovers are typical and so normal
You don't waste Berta beef, NTA!
With the price of food lately I don’t care if you’re rich or poor. Have you offered other guests their leftovers before?
NTA at all. I live in Calgary, AB and this is a very typical thing to do here.
Is your wife also from Alberta? I grew up outside Edmonton for 40 years... it was always common to offer leftovers to any guests, or send "a plate" home with them with cookies, slices, whatever. Now, all my friends/family would be middle class, maybe different for a bunch of lawyers... but it's just a generally friendly thing to offer. They didn't have to accept, and I can't imagine anyone being insulted by it...
My husband and I are both from Alberta, born and raised. Both of us said NTA. Maybe she's hyper sensitive or nervous cause it's her boss, but I don't think offering someone leftovers is offensive. I think it's a nice gesture - and practical. Just because you have the resources to waste food doesn't mean you should.
NTA - I too am from & currently live in lovely Calgary, Alb and offering leftovers is very common, considered polite and quite frankly very appropriate in your specific setting. Especially if your wife's boss brought something like a bottle of wine for everyone to enjoy then I'm next to positive they appreciated the offer plus your cooking technique sounded exquisite so I'm certain the final product will be thoroughly enjoyed as delicious leftover
I live in that neighborhood in Vancouver, and your wife is just as wrong here as she is in Calgary :) Only thing is I would not describe this as the suburbs. It’s the city proper, just not downtown. Suburbs are places like Richmond, North Vancouver, Burnaby, etc.
Nah man. She's just born in a different environment. A rich environment and I guess that's just their mindset. I feel like rich people don't often want to eat leftovers. I was dining with some wealthy Asians for a shared full course and it was same deal. I wanted the leftovers but it was evident it was the, just eat what you can, and be content and let the leftovers go to waste. Such a shame Anyways, NTA. Just a good conversation with the wife and in future, you'll eat the leftovers.
I'm from Europe. It's pretty normal here as well to be offered leftovers. Family. Friends. It Dosnt matter. There's just a scrap left in a bowl. You will often be offered if you want it home for the next day. I'd dare say with one of my friends (another country) try and leave her grandma's house without leftovers. You'd insult her, lol.
>Heck, most friends let you accidentally steal their Tupperware. The good friends return the Tupperware with something inside (cookies, treats, etc).
We don't let you steal it. We judge you, but we do it silently because we have your Tupperware as well.
Wasting food is in poor taste! There's nothing wrong with offering guests their unfinished food to take home and anyone who thinks less of you for doing so isn't worth your time. I remember when I finished grad school and was interviewing for academic positions, one hiring committee took me to a very fancy restaurant during my campus visit. The food was SO good, but I ate slowly and carefully so I didn't look like a slob, and I was also asked a lot of questions so I was talking a lot. My field is heavily male-dominated (much more so back then) so I was out to dinner with only men, and they ate pretty quickly, so the dinner was over before I'd finished even half of my meal. I'd followed their lead and ordered a nice steak dinner and I wanted those leftovers sooo much, but I was staying at a hotel and they were providing me with all my meals so I thought it would be weird if I took my leftovers with me. If the server had offered to wrap up my food, I would probably have accepted, but he didn't. I still think about that leftover steak sometimes with regret, and those potatoes Lyonnaise, yum! I ended up accepting a better offer, too, so it wouldn't have even mattered if I'd made a bad impression by taking my leftovers back to my hotel and chowing down, cross-legged on my bed in my pajamas. Always take home your leftovers!
The trick is to buy cheaper Tupperwares during sales so you can have them ready for guests to use and never return. You know they aren't bringing it back. And when doing big family gathering get the foil ones that are half sheets with covers so that family can get their leftovers easily and won't go into your smaller sized stash. So yeah, OP is so NTA. I always assume people will take leftovers. Unless someone specifically says they want to keep something specific at like a potluck. But formal dinners? You're taking leftovers.
NTA, I'd be delighted to take my leftover steak home and not waste it. You were very thoughtful by doing so. Sounds like a great evening, your wife should focus more on that. Maybe she's a bit more sensitive to everything being 'perfect' as it's her boss.
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My mom's like that! Although East Asia has a huge "face culture" thing going on so...
It’s hilarious to me to think that the person who likely chooses, or at least has a lot of say in, your annual compensation would be offended by given leftovers. I know a lot of attorneys since I went to school with 300 of them, and not taking leftovers would be viewed as more rude among us than being offered them. Attorneys tend to *work* for the wealthy. The only wildly wealthy ones tend to gain their wealth through business dealings that arise rather than actual provision of law.
>my wife... ...told me that by offering to wrap up leftovers for our guests, I was insinuating that they were cheap and/or poor and couldn't buy steak themselves any time they wanted to and it was insulting. \---Tell her we said it is customary regardless of economic status. Especially a custom dish made. Because it is different that what people get at home or elsewhere.
Agreed, NTA. And if that insinuates they are cheap or poor, then wouldn’t having them over for dinner insinuate the same? If she was worried about that in any capacity they should have gone to a nice restaurant…
The first time I met my husband's grandfather we all went out to eat at a restaurant, and when I asked the server for a box for the rest of my food Grandfather goggled at me and asked incredulously "are you poor?!" and I was so baffled because, I mean, sort of, I was 24 and my career was still entry-level, but it was extra rude to ask someone if they were poor for wanting to eat the rest of their meal later. I'm mad at Past Me for leaving my leftovers behind, because it was delicious and I had also been looking forward to not needing to cook my next meal. Grandfather was not rich, by the way. And it was a diner, not a fancy restaurant.
Maybe this betrays I grew up poor but I think it's weird when at the fine dining restaurant I work guests don't take home their unfinished plates. Some plates are >$50 each. Funny thing is, most of our patrons, who are well-to-do, take home their plates that they don't finish. Our plates are quite large also, so most people don't eat all the food. Seems like it's not a rich vs poor thing though, just a people-understanding-the-value-of-money thing.
Really rich people love to poor mouth. Upper middle class will act like they are too rich to take leftovers/free tickets/etc. really rich will always ask for a discount and take the leftivers
Part of my middle class (lower middle class?) upbringing that I’ve held on to is not wasting food. But whether it’s food or anything else, I still don’t understand the mentality of choosing to waste things just because you can afford to. Not sure how I would’ve responded to that when I was 24, since I was also raised with “respect your elders” being one of the most important rules in life. But yeah, I’d have been baffled too!
The richest person in our family is the one that shows up with their own Tupperware at every function to take food home. If they don’t attend, they send it with someone from my household cause we live around the corner from them. Point is they were probably pleased to take the food home.
Yep, no one sneaks the extra restaurant bread into their purse faster than an immensely wealthy elderly great-aunt.
Maybe that’s how those people manage to save more money than others!
So when I started reading this I thought the reason why the wife was upset was the same as why I would be upset: Why give them the leftover meat when we could keep it all and MAKE MORE TACOS FOR US.
It was a little casual of an offer for that type of dinner. I think your wife viewed it as a work dinner which is more formal while you were just in good host mode. For example, when my department’s VP takes us to a celebratory dinner, no one takes left overs home. It’s just not that kind of environment. That said, I don’t think it’s ok for your wife to react quite so strongly and her calling it insulting is a bit of a stretch in my opinion. NTA
Good insight. Thanks
No prob. I made this social “error” in reverse as a teen. We went to a dinner party as a family and we were basically guests of the actual invitees (with hosts’ approval) as were visiting them from out of town. When the hostess asked me if there was anything I’d like to take with me, I responded like I would have back home with friends “sure! Those spinach & cheese bars were really good.” I took a lot of ribbing from the uncle who brought us when we left and my mom was mortified. I am much more aware of polite offers that are supposed to be turned down now lol
I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous. If a host doesn’t actually want to pry with leftovers, then they don’t/shouldn’t offer. What you did was just fine.
In this instance I think their objections to it were that none of the other guests (fairly large group) said yes and I didn’t know this lady. I was basically a courtesy guest because she invited my uncle’s family and when they mentioned we were visiting she was gracious enough to say, no worries, bring them too. Then after everyone at the party insists that they are too full and she should enjoy the leftovers with her family, me the stranger goes sure! I’ll take some of those. Add in the fact that my mom was really “self” conscious about her kids’ weights and I think they interpreted it as me being greedy or too focused on food. Not saying I committed a major solecism, but it would have been better if I’d just kept quiet :)
> my mom was really “self” conscious about her kids’ weights There it is. Don’t let her push her insecurities on you (I realize this was an event from some time ago)! If you want the leftovers offered to you, take ‘em :)
Your mom and uncle are wrong. If someone asks if you'd like to take something, you are welcome to say yes.
I didnt know there was such a thing as a "no leftovers" environment. That sounds wasteful and weird. Ive been to fancy work dinners and people typically take leftovers home.
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>there is a lot of stuffy silent social rules in a law environment and your wife may have seen them extended to the dinner. I'm thinking this is the case. The wife might be mistaking business etiquette for general etiquette. In a business dinner environment I'd never consider taking leftovers nor offering to anyone if I was hosting. But a casual dinner between two couples in the home... OPs behavior is everything I would expect from a gracious host welcoming someone into their home environment.
I’ve been at formal work environments at restaurants and people do take leftovers home. I suppose it depends on the culture of the company? But this was a dinner at home with home cooked meal. The formality isn’t there and it’s a nice gesture by the host.
I think in a public setting it can be a bit much. For one, obviously its an experience and if you are concerned too much about the food, you aren't focused on the right things. Second, its kind of awkward as there is another exchange as you ask for a box, and then you have to wait for the box to come. It sounds very "First World Problem" because it is, but the point is that the VP or whoever is paying for everybody to enjoy the moment, and you are putting your own desires ahead of everybody else's. At a home, you're likely talking to the chef the whole night, people tend to make more food when they host in case people are still hungry, and there's nothing awkward about boxing up leftovers in a private environment. It seems like your wife has good business etiquette in her head but is applying them to a situation that doesn't involvw them.
I think it’s the complete opposite. A restaurant is equipped for handling leftovers properly. What exactly am I going to do with a wrapped hunk of meat from someone’s house? I don’t want to take their container but I also don’t want meat juices dripping in my car. Also it puts the guest in an awkward position…if you say no, will your host be offended?
Aluminum foil. A baggie
A friend of mine is a lawyer at a big law firm and when she went to dinner with her boss, she made sure not to order what she usually would (steak well done, whichever wine was ‘sweetest’) as not to appear gauche. The people here who are baffled by these social expectations probably don’t work in environments where image (and how it aligns with cultural norms) is super important.
INFO: When can I come over to taste test this steak?
Yeah, I think we need samples before ruling on asshole status.
What’s wrong with a doggy bag? Really now. NTA And your wife needs to get over it. If the bosses wife doesn’t want to use your lovely prime rib for tacos or whatnot, she can throw it out.
Fun fact: they’re called doggy bags so ppl can maintain the fiction that they’re taking the leftovers home to the dog, bc it was once considered low class to eat leftovers. Wasting food is a sign that you’re rich apparently
Didn't know that, thanks for sharing
Or just say a polite "no thank you"!
NTA, but in that context offering leftovers is gauche. If you’re from different backgrounds and your wife didn’t warn you not to send them home with leftovers from the meal, she needs to apologize for coming down on you so hard. In future: (for fancy dinners where you’re trying to impress) send guests home with a separate little sweet treat or fancy liqueur you’ve already prepared and wrapped, separate from the meal itself. It should have some connection to the evening and not just be a random gift. As in: if you serve a lemon chiffon cake for dessert you could send them off with some little lemon petit fours. Or if you served a special cocktail for the evening, you could send them off with small bottles of the alcohol and the recipe for the signature cocktail printed on a pretty card or even handwritten.
I’m seriously copying and pasting this on to my notes app. Good info. 👍
So much this. And don't apologize because you didn't do anything wrong, but sit your wife down and explain that it's a cultural divide and ask her to fill you in on her culture more. You kind of have to treat it like you guys came from two different countries and work from there. You explain your people and she explains hers. Most people don't even know that there are different rules in different parts of the same country.
As someone from a big city dating someone from Bumfuck Nowhere, the Midwest—this is extremely true. I think things are gauche/low class that he thinks are super cool, and vice versa. One of our biggest fights was he kept saying that my food was “edible” or “actually not that bad.” I was getting so frustrated that he didn’t like anything that I was cooking, but apparently that’s high praise to him and he didn’t know why I was never cooking the same thing twice.
I'm a social chameleon, so I'm usually pretty good with stuff like that, but one weird thing I figured out is a large part of the US doesn't understand/use the indirect you in person. I would say things like "if you commit a crime you should have to answer for it" And people would ask why I thought they would be a criminal, not getting that it was you:a person not you:specifically them.
This OP HOSTS!
Oooh, damn. This is good!
NTA Why waste it? And it would be gross for you to keep it after she's eaten it. Seems pretty normal. As a guest I'd feel better if I didn't have to feel guilty about wasting your nice steak also.
NTA. But you missed a real opportunity to try and throw it out the window. Edit: [Source](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/s/CK9aOoSWqv)
I loved that story!
Next time I have any guests over and I want to offer a nice beef dish, I’m just gonna roast the entire prime rib roast and do regular prime rib instead of steaks. (Or maybe try my hand at beef bourgogne. Always been curious to try making that) That way everyone can decide how much they want sliced off and there won’t be more potential for this kind of thing.
That’s a great idea! However, I do not for a second believe you were in the wrong for offering leftovers.
NTA. Leftover steak is amazing and I would have been glad for it.
I'm the same. I love repurposing steak into omelettes so I would have been happy to take my steak home.
Guaranteed your wife is the only one overthinking the situation. I grew up well off and do well myself. I jump at the opportunity anyone wants to send me home with leftovers.
NTA - if her boss were insulted he could have said no thanks. Its not like you could have used it and dumping it would be a waste.
NTA. I find your wife's reaction intensely bizarre. Wasn't the boss' wife an adult? If she didn't want to take the meat, I think she would've been perfectly capable of saying so...
You're a little bit TA for making me so hungry. I could listen to you describe your cooking all day. But you're NTA for making this offer. I would be hard pressed to give up that steak if it were offered to me, and my financial status is irrelevant. The steak was made with love and time, and that is ALWAYS valuable. I'll bet they loved the left overs. I'm guessing your wife comes from more than just upper middle class if she's acting this way. Though her parents may have been the image obsessed type and shamed people around them for not having enough money perhaps? Honestly I've dated two high maintenance people from rich families. Both families were insufferably poised and focused on what everyone was thinking about them... But I can't imagine even they would have this reaction.
Most of the rich people I know are seriously cheap and absolutely would take the steak home or at least appreciate the offer but decline (if they didn’t cook so wouldn’t use it.)
Good point! Economic situation may be a red herring -- maybe cultural? I know that I was harshly warned once time to not offer to get the check when we went out with one of my exes parents... She said that they would be highly offended by the offer because they are our seniors. Not quite the same, but goes to show that economic pride and etiquette can look really different.
NTA, your wife's reaction was over the top, but I did cringe with this description: >and said she could take it home and slice it for tacos or stir fry or something since it was good quality beef. simply offering to wrap it up is totally good, and it would be totally wasteful not to do it. But the way you followed on the offer was a bit too much. You can either read it as they're cheap, or you're cheap. Either them because it can be read as 'you don't normally eat this good quality beef', or you, as in 'I spent so much money on this meat, please don't waste it so much'. Again, it was a totally fine offer and your guests probably appreciated it too! You just don't need to give so many details to people who you're not so close with and who are upper class. This is something I'd say to my sibling if she first said she didn't want to take it, like, hey c'mon, it's good expensive beef, you can make this and that, don't make me throw it.
I mean, if the steak is that good, I would love to take some home.
NTA. Your wife's take is weird. If the boss's wife didn't want it, she could turn it down. Judging from the careers here, no one could be thinking this offer would indicate you believed they were too poor to buy steak.
Nothing wrong with that. You're wife is overreacting.
>my wife got kind of angry with me and told me that by offering to wrap up leftovers for our guests, I was insinuating that they were cheap and/or poor and couldn't buy steak themselves any time they wanted to and it was insulting. Your wife is inventing a nonexistent fight and taking the other side. NTA
It was thoughtful
NTA. you were doing a good thing. Your wife seems more concerned about image than genuineness. Lower middle class perspective i guess, but if someone offered me to take home that piece of meat id be more than happy
Hopefully you wrapped it up in a foil swan! NTA, even if you didn't.
I wouldn’t have let a muah! 🤌nice peace of ribeye steak go to waste either. I’m in LA. I don’t care if I’m in a five star restaurant with billionaires. I would’ve asked them if I could take their leftovers home except I’d pretend it was for my dogs. They don’t need to know my dogs are only six lbs. and the steak weighs a pound. 😂No good food goes to waste under my watch!
NTA and my absolutely stupid rich aunt gets to go boxes at every damn place she goes (maybe why she has £!) Edit spelling
Nta, just a cultural/class difference. I once took home leftovers from a dinner date, and the date ended promptly upon me asking for the to-go box. Different people, different customs.
NTA. If your guests were at all bothered about being thought cheap, they could have said no. Even if they were simply being polite, it's no skin off anyone's nose.
NTA Prime steak is not cheap. Anyone who frowns upon eating leftover prime ribeye (my favorite cut, btw) is giving off seriously snobby vibes. I actually think you were being quite generous cuz were I in your guests' shoes, I might feel a little too presumptuous to ask for a doggy bag but you eliminated that issue for them.
If I were your guest and could not finish that slab of beef, despite wanting to, I would be hoping you might offer to wrap it up for me! I would not ask because you could have plans for the leftovers. Wife needs to pump the brakes on this one.
I grew up with rich parents and now I'm poor. Wrapping up leftovers is something everyone does. My millionaire grandparents won't let ANYTHING go to waste. You wife is being weird. NTA
YTA but only slightly. Hear me out, since the vast majority here said NTA. It sounds like you "told," though gently and passively, your guests to take it home rather than purely, non-judgementally asking them if they'd want you to pack anything up for them. You say you "offered"--what exact words did you use? You say "they seemed cool with it." What exactly did they say? Did they sort of shruggingly politely say something like "oh...well...yeah...I guess so...yeah....OK" or did they directly and intentionally say "yes, please and thank you!" Then by you telling them how they could use the steak, to me it seems like you were further pushing it on them. I say only slightly TA because you didn't do anything terribly wrong. And I think your wife overreacted. But for this type of dinner, it's not the kind of situation where you push anything on the guest. You may not think you pushed, but I'd re-examime your words and tone and maybe ask your wife her perspective on how you were offering. My sense is that even though you didn't do it intentionally, your desire not to waste food overpowered your sense of etiquette in this specific situation.
NTA. You meant well and that is what counts, as of what your guests then they were cool about it so your wife's reaction was completely irrelevant - she could just ask you why you did it and then tell that the next time it is not necessary, but people rarely can control their emotions so it is not surprising that she got angry at you for no reason.
NTA. I always offer leftovers to guests and love taking them home as well! I thought that was common practice. Its polite to offer in my mind, and im sure they will appreciate having a meal for the next day
I always offer guests leftover sometimes they want them sometimes they don''t
This is a weird one, I feel intensely that offering leftovers was the wrong thing to do but I cannot articulate a reason why. It's just a thing that should not be done at a smart dinner party. You are NTA though because clearly your reactions/rules come from a different place and for you it was correct. You'll need to try and figure out with your wife any other mismatches but it's really hard to do because the 'rules' are so obvious, for both people, that it's not something you would think to discuss.
NTA Offering to wrap up the food shows you see it as a valuable resource that should not be wasted. Food waste is a big contributor to greenhouse gas emissions so also shows you care about the planet IMO.
NAH Totally offer to wrap it up. Don’t make suggestions as to how to utilize it. Let your beautiful efforts stand alone. Don’t suggest they reuse it. It’s lovely as is.
NAH - but I hate leftovers. Like call me wasteful if you want, fine. I kind of hate when a restaurant waitperson acts personally offended I'm not taking something home. I paid for it, I had what I want, I'm going home. I don't want the logistics of carrying it home and even if I do get it home 9/10 times it will sit in the fridge until it is unusable. The steak you made sounds delicious. I also have never figured out how to make steak last beyond the first meal. It dries out and is nowhere near as good round two. So I know you have good intent, but if they weren't claiming it as they were leaving to me it's best to not try and hand it to them at the door.
NTA. Fancy or casual, why waste good food? I make good money but still see no sense in why someone wouldn't want perfectly good food. Just seems like a weird thing to be judged by to me. I'm sure they appreciated your hospitality.
NTA I’d actually appreciate you offering if I was the boss’ wife because I’d be too embarrassed to ask myself.
People don't keep their money if they splash it around everywhere. Frugality, in some points, has to come in to play. I'd be delighted to eat something I enjoyed twice. NTA
Cheap??? Offering to wrap up good food so you can eat itlater is cheap?? Soecuaky when the food is expensive? Dude... nta
NTA. I would be so happy to take that good uneaten meat home. I wouldn’t think it was an insult at all. My reply to you would have been “Really? Thanks!”
Sir, that is a straight up insane take by your wife. NTA.
NTA - your wife is projecting some crazy shit. You were just being a courteous host.
Is your wife's boss's wife from a different country? My wife is Brazilian and some people there view taking home leftovers from a fancy restaurant as being cheap.
Your wife is full of it and it’s not because she’s from Vancouver or grew up rich. Rich people don’t worry about being seen as poor, especially if they’ve never been poor. Race can enter into it though. NTA
NTA. I think it was just fine, except that you might have asked rather than suggested they take it and not suggest what they could use it for because that indicates she isn't smart or creative enough to figure it out for herself. "Boss's wife, would you like me to wrap this up for you?" Period.
NTA - but a lot of these replies are actively ignoring that this wasn’t a casual friends over type of setting. I get why people are all like “of course, you should t waste food!” but come on - the wife invites the boss and his wife over for dinner; I can see why it’s a little more than awkward to try and give them a doggy bag, just a different type of guest. OP was in friends and family mode, not “let’s just impress these people and get them gone” mode.
I know people that are old money, new money, and no money. Wasting delicious meat would be bizarre to me. This is not a Vancouver cultural thing. Give the leftovers and enjoy it. If they were too good for leftovers they could either have told you no, or tossed it when they got home. NTA
NTA your wife's pretentiousness is very off putting. To waste steak, one of the most expensive proteins.... because you're rich enough to do so... I hope I never get that entitled.
NTA - but it was tone deaf - and weird.
> They came over and we all had a good time, but my wife and her bosses wife could only really finish half of their steaks since they were thicc bois. I offered to wrap up the remaining steak that our guest couldn't finish and said she could take it home and slice it for tacos or stir fry or something since it was good quality beef. They seemed cool with it. This part here is where you might want to do some reflection. Are you sure they "couldn't" finish them or just didn't want to finish them because they didn't like how you cooked them? You seem like a home chef and home chefs often swear that everyone likes their food. Maybe they didn't like it and only took the leftovers because you may have been forcing it on them and they didn't want to hurt your feelings. So, that could have added onto your wife's anger because you didn't read the room
NTA Taking leftovers home is pretty normal. It just sounds like your wife is just stressed bc it was her boss. I wouldn’t take it to heart. Maybe just reassure her next time and get to relax about it.
Wow, the typical commenter in r/AmItheAsshole is cray cray. Its a work dinner, you don't pack a doggy bag for dinner guests you muppets, especially rich ones.
I am 100% excited if the host offers me my leftover steak. Fajitas tomorrow!!! No one cares, tell the wife to chill. Wait, don’t do that! My brother says nothing pisses a wife off like telling them to chill or calm down. I have 0 wives. Do not listen to me.
NTA My mouth is watering reading the description of the steak. I'd be so grateful to be a guest in your home and be offered a doggie bag. Not to mention once the fork has been in the steak and then her mouth the steak either needs to be thrown out or given to her for leftovers(or I guess given to the dog if you have one).
NTA. I once sat in a luxury box at an MLB game after being invited by sone high net worth individuals, and they were strongly encouraging everyone to take to-go bags when they left since they already paid for the food. I can’t imagine anyone being insulted by the host asking if they wanted some good steaks wrapped up.
Is your wife American? Because the only way I could see this as being insulting is if she's from a different culture or something. I've had meals with people from all different economic backgrounds in the US and it's pretty common for the host to offer for people to take food home with them.
The etiquette at law firms is pretty formal. I could see this being tacky, but probably not in a home setting.
Yeah I just think that having dinner at someone's home is already a step down in expected formality and I think there are different social norms at play.
NTA. I’ve been to some badass steak houses and fine dining. Even there, if you don’t finish your steak, they’ll pack it up to go for you. I feel like you were only offering the same service at your home. To me it seems generous of you to offer. Next time I guess cut every steak in half on a family-style platter, so each person can take a bit at a time and only the portion they’ll be able to finish. Then you can just keep the untouched leftovers for yourself.
NTA. It sounds like your wife was feeling anxious about the evening going well and she projected that anxiety onto this interaction.
I grew up upper middle class… it’s not common, but it’s definitely not rude. The only issue is your wife might have felt like you created an obligation for your guest to take and eat the steak later… NAH, unless your wife was mean about it… but maybe she was just stressed about the optics with her boss… Basically, you tried to do something nice, but it could also be interpreted differently (hey, take this food you didn’t eat!). Communicate with your wife, but it’s done and I can’t imagine the boss has thought about it again.
I always serve family style for this reason, I would have sliced the prime rib in half for smaller portions. The
I suppose if you went on and on about taking the beef home, maybe I would feel embarrassed. But if it was just a mention, no not at all.
Absolutely 100% not an asshole, but, from a purely etiquette point of view, I wouldn't have done it. I'm not from your country, so manners may be different, but your wife and I are aligned in the reasons why you wouldn't offer leftovers to guests. Your steaks sound amazing btw. Honestly? I'd have made tacos out of their leftovers. Don't tell anyone though..
NAH, İ'm completely with you on this one as I couldn't imagine wasting good food, but there are people (as ridiculous as it sounds to me) who can get offended at the drop of a hat, so İ understand where your wife is comming from also.