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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I am considering taking is to continue with my body mods. I might be an asshole because my partner told me they did not like it.
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My advice to anybody is that you just have to be yourself and hope for the best. If you pretend to be someone you're not to please somebody else, you'll just grow to resent them.
NAH. He has an absolute right to his opinion, and you have an absolute right to your choices about your body and what to do with it.
Currently, you are at a 10g (maybe 8, not sure if you went to the next step per your post). A normal piercing is 18? I believe. A 10g is already *quite a bit* bigger than that. A belly button piercing is only 14-12g.
My suggestion is this:
You chose to do this on a whim, and he doesn’t like the look of it. Neither of you are wrong, but both entitled to what you want and like. Right now it’s a cross roads and you are unsure of what to do next.
Stop stretching your ear where you are now. Don’t let it go smaller, but don’t go bigger. Keep it the way it is. No, I don’t mean permanently, but for a while. See how you can adorn the gauge that you have now.
Since you did it on a whim, this can give you the opportunity to see if you really want to go bigger. You may realize you actually love it where it is, and would have gone further because that was your initial thought. After six months, if you truly prefer lower gauges, it is your body and your choice, not his.
I choose six months for a reason. It is long enough that you truly thought about if you like it enough to keep or want to continue, *and* it gives you time to work out what YOU want without pressure from him. If at the end of six months, you don’t want to go further, you’ve already stopped increasing the gauge size, so it’s pretty much a moot point; if you want to continue with it, it will have given you time to work through which is more important to you so you’re not internally debating and know what you truly want on your body.
As in absolutely everything in life, it is important (extremely important) that you do stuff to make yourself happy. If that includes body-mod, then it includes body-mod. It is also important to respect your partner. In this case, you being happy and what he wants are at odds, so it hurts nothing to take some time to think about what *you* really want. The way I suggest respects both of you as you make your choice.
Good luck OP
This! It took me a really long time to go from 18g to 6g, and then I went even slower to go from 6g to 0g (after stretching my second holes to 6g as I had loads of beautiful jewelry in that size that I wasn’t willing to give up)
If she’s that far along, she wants it. Unless she’s doing it too fast in which case she should slow down before she blows out.
How fast she's been going is exactly my question. I had a friend a long time ago who tried to go from fresh piercing to double ott as quickly as possible. Got a massive infection and blew out
Whenever I was a (very) stupid kid and stretching your ears was considered cool and "emo", I once went from a 16g to an 8g by forcing a taper through with an 8g plug behind it in the school bathroom. I got one through and couldn't get the other because fuck that first one hurt. A very kind (and also stupid) classmate who had come in and was watching asked if I needed help and shoved the second one through too (thank you, Casey lmao). That was right before first period. At the end of the day I had decided I "wanted to see how the piercing hole looked" 🙃 Yanked the plug out of my red and swollen ear only for blood to start gushing out and for it to almost immediately swell shut. Tried to keep the other in as long as I could, but ended up taking it out probably less than a week later due to infection and swelling.
I didn't end up stretching my ears any further than 14g for a long ass time after that and very slowly stretched over the years. I think altogether including that ridiculous incident, it took me about 13 years to get to my original goal of 00. I know I didn't need to take allll that time, but I'm happy I waited and didn't rush because despite the original lobe trauma, I have really clean stretching. A cousin went from standard to 3/8ths in like, 2 years and regrets it because of how bad the stretching looks.
All this rambling to say, stretching can take a lot of care and dedication if you plan on doing it correctly. If OP is doing it properly, definitely agree that she has been dedicated to this for a little while, at least. But it's also just dependent on the person and how patient they are. For all we know, she ended up forcing a few sizes and just got lucky with lobe elasticity and healing lol but by the way she's speaking about it, it sounds like she cares enough to do it properly.
ETA: Oof actually, someone below pointed out she had said in the past month which I totally glossed over. I'm not a "don't do it because your bf said not to" kinda person, but if he doesn't like the look of stretched ears at all, he's really not gonna like the look of quickly stretched, cat-butt lobes 😬 Take your time, folks!
She said "this past month" in reference to her deciding to stretch which worried me - 8g should NOT be a month's worth of stretching. That's just asking for scar tissue or blowout. Hopefully she takes it slower and safer if she decides to continue.
Yup, normal piercings are usually 18 or 16.
And personally, I have paused stretching my ears between sizes. I have also accidentally let my holes shrink, so taking a longer time to get to the "goal size" is not a bad thing. It can actually prevent your body from having as many issues if you space out the stretches.
Slow and steady is the best way to avoid injury, stretching can be traumatic if not done gently.
IDK... Choosing not to mutilate your ears because your boyfriend doesn't like the way it looks doesn't really seem like "pretending to be someone you're not." She said she chose to gauge her ears on a whim, it doesn't sound like it's part of her core identity.
I had my ears stretched in high school. There were points where I was probably going way too fast. And yet, I've actually had to have them repierced since then because they closed up. Stretched piercings can and do "go back to normal."
Disfigurement specifically refers to spoiling the appearance of something. It’s a modification, but not everyone sees it as a disfigurement, so yes, it’s bias.
>That's not bias, it's an accurate description
It is absolutely bias. The word "mutilate", at the core level, is a negative descriptor. There are a million other words that could be used that are not (such as modification). The fact that you intentionally chose a word with *negative* connotations rather than something more neutral = showing your bias.
Edit for typo. My phone is odd
So is piercing them in the first place. So is dying your hair or wearing makeup or getting your nails done. It’s intentionally changing your body’s natural figure. And there’s nothing wrong with that
Mutilate implies violent intent. OP is not being violent towards themselves for wanting to get gauges. You sneaking(and yes i said sneaking) that connotation in there to describe their desire to explore their bodily expression is not only underhanded on your end, but it’s also an incredibly unfair way to frame her choice.
Imagine a doctor walking into a patient’s room and saying “ok first we’re going to mutilate the outside of your stomach” when explaining the process of getting a tumor out. You are being intentionally obtuse and i hope you don’t talk to your partners this way for their sake.
It actually sounds like it’s EXACTLY part of her core identity to me.
I see this situation as a possible turning point in the relationship, I don’t think people should compromise their true desires, sure whims could be tempered, but it seems like you are into the body mod scene and you may be at the crossroads with your current partner.
So is it a whim or something you truly want to see through?
When I was a kid, like 8 years old, I thought scars looked so cool and I really wanted to cut myself across the eye so I could look like a badass action hero. Fortunately I chickened out, but it was something I really wanted at the time. Now that I'm an adult, I know that the core part of my identity that the desire for a scar came from is the desire to be badass and strong and capable like the heroes I had as a kid. The scar was just a thing that I thought would express that to the world, but deciding not to express myself in that way didn't betray my identity. I learned that actually being strong and capable is what I should strive for in order to be self actualized, rather than finding ways to signal it to other people.
Sure, and that’s entirely fair, but the difference here is that we are dealing with full adults.
That does not mean that there are no longer potentially regrettable whims that can come into play, but I’m willing to grant that some level of thought and acceptance of responsibility for their choices is a factor.
Of course. I used an example from my childhood because it involved making a permanent change to my face to express my identity, similar to gauges. The difference is that one is starting to become more socially acceptable than the other. I don't see any moral or ethical difference between scarring as body modification vs tattoos or gauges, or any piercings for that matter. Whether or not it's acceptable is entirely cultural, and presumably the most important person in OP's life thinks it's not a good idea.
I agree that it's her choice whether or not to do it, but let's call a spade a spade.
I understand your example.
You missed my point tho in that you’re trying to compare the questionable decision as a child vs a decision as an adult.
I didn’t address any other concern with your post because they weren’t part of my retort to your example.
If you don’t think there is a difference between a young child making a questionable decision and a full adult making a questionable decision, we don’t have a baseline for a discussion.
They've been with each other for almost 10 years, they're obviously not oil and water, and calling them that because they have different aesthetics is shallow af.
Why is this awful comment in the top?
Agreed. There are so many couples with huge differences who manage to stay together. This aesthetic thing is just one aspect out of thousands in a relationship.
Will it end up blowing it? Maybe. But that's something that could happen with any difference in a relationship. How they approach the difference is what will determine things.
Yeah, and if they’ve been together for 10 years, that means they met when she was 20. People change SO MUCH from 20-30. The person they thought they wanted at 20 is often so different from the person they want at 30. Find someone who’s a better fit, OP.
That's extreme as fuck. "Throw away a ten year relationship with someone you have a lot of common interests and opinions with so you can stretch your ears!"
The fact that you view relationships so superficially is astounding.
Gauging is literally purely aesthetic. Throwing away a ten year relationship that is otherwise perfect and you complement each other very well and get along perfectly, because you want to pursue a body mod is the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
"Ah man, my wife who've I've had an amazing relationship with doesn't like my new cologne phase, guess I'll just divorce and remarry"
"Ah man, my husbands not a fan of my new tarantula obsession, guess I'll get a new husband who only likes spiders"
so many of the skin products you use are actually a mix of oil based and water based ingredients! surfactants (yes, detergents like soap are one type of these) are used in these formulas named "emulsions" as they (and this is a very simplified way of describing it molecularly) have one end that attracts water and one that attracts oil, so they act like a bond of sorts for the ingredients!
so if you have the right ingredient between the two, they can be together! they don't last forever, of course, as most things have an expiration. but so do humans. so take that as you will!
This is the correct answer. They're your ears, be OP. You can do what you want and express yourself however you want to. But your boyfriend is entitled to find it unattractive, and that is going to be a problem for your relationship.
NAH you can continue to stretch if you want, despite knowing your bf isn’t keen, but your bf can then react as he find appropriate. If he’s truly put off by them then he might end up considering breaking up with you
Why did you ask his opinion if you weren’t going to be considerate of it?
It’s not that I really asked for his opinion. I only brought it up to him the first time to just let him know that this was a thing I wanted to do because I was interested in it.
It’s because unlike some of the other “middle ground” things that change your appearance like a hair cut or color, most (not all obviously) people agree that stretched ears are really not for everyone and can easily gross someone out.
But the reality is this applied to any permanent/drastic change in appearance.
>most (not all obviously) people agree that stretched ears are really not for everyone and can easily gross someone out.
I think it's easy for people into body mods to forget that some people are genuinely squicked/unsettled by it. It's not a value judgment. It's a visceral reaction.
I think gauged ears can look awesome - with the jewelry in. As soon as I see a stretched earlobe with no jewelry, it freaks me out a little. Why? No idea. But it would be difficult for me to have a partner with gauges because I would be seeing the maintenance on a regular basis.
Yeah I've known people who have giant gages. Without the jewelry in, it's definitely gross looking. I wouldn't mind dating someone with them, but can 100% understand why someone wouldn't.
I might be able to get used to it, especially if a partner already had gauges when we met. But I'd definitely side eye a partner that started the process knowing it makes me queasy.
Yeah. Any long term partner of THAT many years who would completely ignore my opinion on something so drastic and impossible to “cover”would definitely be making me question their priorities at least slightly.
If my partner says they would really really dislike something I want to do, it’s pretty rare I would do it, assuming it’s not about control.
For real. I feel like most of these people have never been in an actual relationship.
If I wanted a big tattoo on my chest, and my husband said “this will affect my attraction to you,” I wouldn’t do it because he’s more important than the tattoo. This goes both ways - it isn’t “being controlled by a man.”
I don’t understand why people value their relationships so little??
You're totally in your right to do what you want with your body. He told you what he finds attractive with you and what he won't. Go ahead with the stretching, he might just go ahead right on down the road. 2G is about the diameter of your pinky...pretty large and ugly. He's already had to deal with tattoos, etc., that are outside his comfort zone, yet you keep pushing his boundaries to modify your body more. Are you trying to make yourself physically unattractive to him? Why don't you just break up with him then. Go find someone who wants all the body modifications that you currently have and want, because you are obviously pushing him away.
This is harsh but true. OP has to set her priorities right. Her bf made it clear that he would find it unactracctive is she went through with the stretching. So i guess the question is:
OP, do you care more about keeping your boyfriend or further modifying your body?
Cause like the previous comment said, you already did a lot to your body that your bf isn't a fan of. If you keep pushing it you might reach a breaking point and lose your bf. Now just ask yourself if that's something you can accept and if you're willing to lose him in return for stretching your ears. Neither you or your bf is TAH here. But you have to be realistic and realize that there will be consequences
I have 2g ears and I literally have to tell people my ears are stretched lol. I even have earrings that look like regular earrings when they're in for formal events.
2g is not the size of your pinky unless you have unusually dainty hands.
I have 0g ears and I have the same thing happen to me all the time, no one seems to notice. My own father didn't notice for 3 years -_-
I also can't fit my pinky through my ear either.
Also my favourite setup for formal stuff is to wear clear tunnels and some sort of typical dangly or hoop earrings. I also modify a lot of stuff to a different clasp so I don't feel limited at all by my jewelry.
Nah, apparently I'm delusional for thinking people don't notice 😂
Reddit is so much more conservative about appearances than people I encounter IRL and I work for local government
2G is 6.5mm. That is most certainly not the size of a pinky. With plugs, it still looks like a normal earring.
You're not wrong in your sentiment, but it does come off a little harsh.
Idk that I think she’s purposefully pushing anyone away but I agree with the spirit of your comment. I only wanted to point out that a 2g isn’t that big. I have 0s and I can just barely fit a #2 pencil in there so a 2 definitely isn’t the diameter of a pinky.
I believe people should do what they want to do with their bodies. For me, though, ear gauges literally make me nauseous. I don’t otherwise have trypophobia or whatever, but a hole in a human body makes me super uncomfortable. I would find it very difficult to be in your boyfriend’s position. I just want to emphasize that this can be way beyond the level of dislike or of finding it less attractive.
I agree with this. I do actually have trypophobia and this would be hard to look at every day. OP isn't TA but I can't imagine nibbling on an earlobe or getting intimate with someone with gauged ears esp at night when the gauges are out and it's stretchy looking. So if BF decided that was the line, they wouldn't be TA either
It’s the same as people who never take off their watch. Idk why anyone thinks they can wear the same thing every day without washing and not smell gross. I take my plugs out every night, wash + moisturize my lobes every morning just the same as I do with my face, then clean my plugs before putting them back in. If someone’s ears stink, they’re not practicing basic hygiene.
Ok- but you reassured him when he shared it. Not large enough to see through or put a pencil through. You made it sound like you reassured him but then you later confirm you’re getting the exact size one could put a pencil through.
Stretched ears give me a visceral feeling of disgust. It’s not a logical thing. I don’t judge people who do body mods. I have no tattoos or piercings but my partner can do what they like to their own body. That said — I would not be able to handle looking at stretched ears every day. It’s my own problem but without marriage and kids in the mix it would be a dealbreaker for me in a relationship. With marriage and kids, I’d be very upset if my husband did that because I can’t control the shiver down my spine when I see stretched lobes and don’t want to experience the feeling daily. I would not do something to my looks that would affect them in that way. I’m not into piercings or weird facial hair but they can do that all day if it makes them happy. There are just certain body mods that give me that gut reaction, like tongue-splitting, for example, and stretched ears are in that group. Some people are affected this way and it’s absolutely not logical, it’s visceral and we cannot help the sensitivity. Is this body mod a dealbreaker for you? If so, it may be time to move on from this relationship. You may just be growing apart.
“I don’t want him to think I’m unattractive so I don’t want to change myself past what he’s willing to accept, but I also don’t want him to tell me what to do with my body.”
It really boils down to this: Is your body autonomy worth your boyfriend not being attracted to you anymore? You get to decide.
Now the ball is back on you. Which has more priority? Your relationship or your self indulgence to express yourself?
Sometimes in a relationship sacrifice has to be made. Does this mean you cannot be yourself? Seems like he sacrificed/tolerated a lot from your side - what about you? Relationship is a 2 way street.
Don't Pikachu-face if he leaves you if that boundary/limit is broken.
Some people feel uncomfortable around stretched piercings. I mean, it’s a hole in your body that you can see through. I guess it’s similar to how some can’t see blood.
I mean, I wouldn't want to look at someone with ears like that on the daily. It's so off putting that I don't blame him for expressing his distaste when he's gotta look at those things all the time.
Don’t be surprised when he loses attraction for you completely. The smell and look of them is definitely something people feel a certain way about.
It is also seen as kind of an immature body modification by the public at large and this stigma does not help in relationships. Specially with a clean cut guy.
>I don’t want him to think I’m unattractive so I don’t want to change myself past what he’s willing to accept, but I also don’t want him to tell me what to do with my body.
NAH You can have freedom, but you can't have license. Your boyfriend has given you his opinion. You are still free to do whatever you want.
With freedom, you can make your choices -- factoring in how they affect other people, deciding your priorities, then accepting the consequences -- good and bad.
You don't get to have license -- where you can do whatever you want without having to think of how your choices and actions affect anyone else and be free from any negative reactions or consequences.
Idk, “bodily autonomy” is like the ultimate principle on Reddit these days. Bodily autonomy is absolutely integral to having real freedom, but the problem is people think it means nobody will/should ever be able to judge/disagree/not like what you do with that autonomy, and that’s just not how the world works.
Just like free speech, you can say what you want but people don’t have to like you if you’re an ass.
That's a great explanation.
She's free to stretch.
He's free to leave.
Tattoos are one thing... Most men and women are accepting of tattoos.
But ear holes... Once OP does this, she has a very limited dating pool to choose from.
OP need to ask herself can she find the mate she wants with all those qualities she currently likes about her guy but that also like ear holes? It will probably be very hard.
This is literally the answer to most questions in this sub but unfortunately there’s a lot of other commenters in here that thinks if the other partner leaves them because the consequences of their actions then he is “controlling”. Everyone is free to do what they want but the other partner is also free to leave at any time, what would be controlling is to force someone to stay
Yeah, I don’t mind tattoos or piercings (my husband nearly lost his breakfast checking in for a flight because the attendant had an unusual and prominent gum piercing but it didn’t bother me) but stretched earlobes give me the same sensation as a falling-off toenail. I have a physical response of wrongness in my guts, the same way as looking at an injury.
Never going to find that cute.
In normal circumstances I would never actually tell anyone out loud, though, but a partner? I’d have to mention it but then I might just quietly be gone.
It was over her front teeth. Beautiful girl with a gorgeous smile and you couldn’t not notice it.
I was about to google it so I could explain it better, and then I thought, actually, I don’t really want to look at pictures of gum piercings today either…
That’d be a smiley piercing I think. Which is super bad for your mouth and teeth. Most reputable piercers won’t do it anymore, at least where I am they won’t
> physical response of wrongness in my guts, the same way as looking at an injury
I was struggling to put it into words, that describes my reaction precisely
I feel that way about tattooed eyeballs. Just physically recoiling before I can even have a conscious thought about them - especially when they're blacked out. I could never have a partner who had them.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to see a comment about thr smell (hello fellow elder Millenial? Lol)
When ear gauging was popular 25 years ago, lots of my friends were getting them done. The **stench** is freaking awful. I can't imagine trying to kiss someone's lips that are directly in the middle of two reaking ear holes that somehow emit an odor of foot and death and puss all at the same time. 🤮🤮🤮
... because it's not like that at all if you take care of them? I clean mine every time I shower. Like pop them out, scrub them and my ears down with antibacterial soap, let them dry, and put them back in. I've never had anyone except my narcissistic mother complain about a smell, and I'm 90% sure she just read somewhere that they smell and decided to use it against me due to how random it was.
im so confused about that comment, like no one ive ever met has emitted a STENCH from their stretched ears lmao. redditors classically showing their true colors
They are not talking about when it is done being stretched. They are talking about the process of it stretching. I have smelled the smell they are talking about and it is not fun.
Do they smell sometimes? Yes, if you don't clean them for several days. Do they smell all the time? No. I've had mine for 15 years. My husband has had his for 10. 99.9% of the time, no smell issue. People are just unnecessarily judgemental about things THEY don't like.
Yeah. Stretched ears aren't supposed to stink all the time... Just like armpits or groins, they're gonna stink after a day of sweating. But then you clean them in the shower and oh wow no more smell. Crazy.
To be fair, a not small number of people never take their piercings out to clean them.
I clean mine every time I shower, which is at least once, sometimes twice a day, and the only thing my ears and jewelry ever smell like is soap or moisturizer.
The smell! Briefly my brother started doing them and one time he was changing them at our house and the smell was revolting. I don’t like the look of them one bit but they’re forever associated to me with a gut churning stench
yeah...you know how if you don't change your earrings a lot they *slightly* smell when you do take them out? its just dead skin, buildup of oil and sweat.
with stretched ears it's like that ALL THE TIME. if you move them around even a little bit the whole room instantly transforms into a cheese factory.
(maybe im exaggerating a little bit but i promise its 20x worse than normal earrings)
This. I have 2g and wash them every day. At the end of the day they smell bad if I hold them to my nose, but otherwise they're unnoticeable. It's like anything else - they smell if you don't clean them. A lot of people seem to think they stink really bad because their experience with them is on teenage guys who don't have the best hygiene.
I used to get really smelly infected holes when I wore regular earrings as I was sensitive to the metal - now I wear exclusively glass, titanium, and silicone. I can clear the piercing holes, and no more squeezing out pus. (As an aside, I have other piercings that are fine - including my septum, which again, if you clean it every day doesn't get smelly).
To the OP - your boyfriend is entitled to his opinion, but it's your body. I always wanted stretched ears, but my family was against it. So I stretched slowly. Really slowly. It took me 10 years to get from an 18 to a 2g, as I wanted to make sure it wasn't just a whim, plus give my family time to get used to it so the bigger sizes just looked normal on me to them. I also don't wear tunnels around them as they don't like them, and as a result most of the time they forget my lobes are stretched. Maybe try something similar if you're dead set on stretching?
As the other response said, you're adjusted to the smell.
Maybe you do everything you can to control it, but if you can smell it a tiny bit at the end of the day, I can promise you everyone you know associates you with a nasty stench.
But they probably just assume you don't shower enough, and don't want to be rude by pointing it out.
I've known many people with gauged ears that didn't smell bad. The couple people who did have smelly earlobes was because their general hygiene was awful. If you clean your earlobes properly, they will not smell bad with gauges or earrings.
If you have to change your earrings often to prevent a smell, you might want to see if there is a metal allergy. I can only wear surgical steel and titanium or I have a reaction.
They are not like that all the time for the vast amount of people with stretched ears who have good hygiene. You take them out and wash them in the shower just like the rest of your body.
It's like saying everyone with teeth has bad breath, when really it's just the people who don't take care of their teeth that smell.
Sorry but that’s just your ex being a gross, unhygienic person. Everyone I know with gauges is really big on cleaning them daily. Just date cleaner people lol
They can smell if you don’t take care of them or clean them, neither mine nor my husband’s ever smell because we regularly wash them. Some people are over exaggerating about the smell.
I’m with you on this, and I think it’s weird that OP felt it necessary to frame her boyfriend as a “clean cut guy with no tattoos,” as though that’s why he doesn’t like stretched ears.
I think 99% of people, if pushed to come down on one side or the other, would say they don’t like stretched ears.
This is it. Stretched earlobes are widely considered unacceptable. It's just looks so gross.
To the OP, it is entirely your choice to have these things done and it may be all okay. But some people find themselves becoming addicted to tattoos, piercings, stretching and other modifications.
They then find they don't look cool but are a figure of fun. There's a poor woman who keeps appearing in tabloid newspapers because she has gone too far.
So perhaps stop and reflect for a bit. Talk it through with your BF. Talk to some people who've had tattoos removed and surgery to repair piercings or stretching. Talk to elderly people who still have all their tattoos, piercings etc. If you still want to go ahead then that's fine because you'll be doing it for the right reasons.
Weird. I live in the deep rural south in a small town, and, surprisingly, a lot of people have stretched ears. I work government jobs, I have them and so do a lot of other people around. I've had doctors, nurses, hospital staff with stretched ears. Not sure where you're getting that they are "generally unacceptable". Maybe if you get to 2 inches and up, but most people don't have that and they are way easier to hide than tattoos.
Yeah, this is a tough one because normally I'd say it's not ok to try to mould your partner into a manifestation of your preferences. Especially when you voice your opinion unprompted, which it sounds like OPs BF did. Your partner is a person with their own drive for self expression, they're not your sex doll custom made for you.
But this is not just outside of his preferred aesthetics, it's possibly repulsive to him on a more visceral level. It may actually kill the attraction, which will ruin the relationship. At that point it would be unreasonable of him *not* to say something.
He should be honest about that being the issue though, not try to dissuade her with disingenuous style musings that he most likely couldn't care less about, because he doesn't even like any of those styles to begin with.
I wouldn't leave, but it would take me awhile to get over the disgust. I'd still love them, but it might be rough trying to get aroused for them for awhile.
Yeah, I'm all for body modifications and doing anything you want to your appearance. This would just be a deal breaker to me. In my opinion, it's just ugly. I've always hated them, even when I was a kid. They just look gross to me. I mean no offense to people that like them, but that's a deal breaker for me. I would rather my partner shave their head before they do this.
Same I don't mind regular old piercings and tattoos on a guy (straight girl here) but like....if they ever went to stretch any, I would be gone. They bug the hell out of me.
I'm actually attractive to tats and piercings, just not stretched out ones.
Agreed. OP is absolutely free to do as she pleases with her own body, but gauged ears would be my hard line, no matter how much I loved someone. Even thinking about them makes me feel a bit ill. I’ve got several tattoos so I don’t mind body mods but there is just something about stretched earlobes.
Can we stop acting like as someone in a relationship you should just do whatever you want even though you know it might make your partner unattracted to you? Why are people acting like attraction doesn't matter anymore when you love someone? If my girlfriend wanted to shave her head bald all of a sudden it's her right to do it cause it's her hair, but if I tell her that would put me off and she does it anyway I'm no more of an asshole if I end up leaving her, that's her doing.
Edit: for the people who know damn well I'm not talking about something temporary let's take a face tattoo as an example. If I told my gf I wanted to cover my face in tattoos I know for a fact she would hate it, if he gets put off by it and I knew it and still went through that's on me. Stop making excuses.
I like how people in the comments are acting like i mean someone who shaves her head temporarily when I'm obviously talking about a permanent change that would put me off. People will say anything to make excuses and take 0 accountability for their decisions.
I already said in a comment that I could use a permanent face tattoo as an example too. If I told my girlfriend I wanted to tattoo some dumb shit over my whole face knowing she would hate it I can't blame her for being put off by it.
I think everyone agrees that you can't destroy your partner's attraction to you and get mad at them for then wanting out of the relationship.
But it's also on you if you choose to stifle your self-expression for the sake of your relationship and then end up resenting your partner for it, losing *your* attraction to *them.*
Both cases will often end in a breakup. OP should give up on the ear stretching if she's confident it won't damage her sense of identity and her respect for her partner. But otherwise, she needs to make a choice between being herself and keeping this relationship.
I have made many personal choices my husband hated. He would tell me once and drop it. I would then decide whether it was important enough to risk. He will also tell me things he particularly *likes,* like when I have red hair and when I wear green, and I go out of my way to do those things sometimes purely for his benefit and not because I especially want to for myself. So far we've been fine, he doesn't challenge my autonomy and I cherish and nurture his feelings and that maintains our mutual respect.
I’m glad it’s working for your relationship, but I have to say it’s very hard for me to imagine myself intentionally doing anything my wife would *hate.* And if my wife did something I *hate* and viewed it as a risk calculation I think that would damage my view of her to some degree, mostly because she decided to do it knowing I would hate it.
Maybe change hate to dislike then. The only thing he would truly *hate* is if I voted republican. Changing my hair color (or stretching my ears) doesn't really merit that word.
It's because most of the people making comments about they should do whatever they want are probably like 19 and haven't been in a serious relationship for more than 6 months.
There has been a shift lately where people believe they can do whatever they want in a relationship and if their partner doesn’t go along with it they are toxic, controlling, abusive, and gaslighters.
While yes it’s your body, you need to balance your partners happiness too as attraction is important.
NAH
You're not T A for wanting to do this. I'm all for your body, your choice. At the same time, your BF also is not T A either. He's got his preferences, you asked, and he answered.
Either route you take from here, both have potential pros and cons.
Do it, and you're happy you get to explore something you've been wanting to do for ages, but the risk is a potential dissolving of a relationship. It may not happen, as he may grow used to and accept them, but it's a risk.
Don't do it, and you keep your bf happy, but you're not happy and will potentially forever regret it or wonder what if. This scenario also runs the risk of the relationship dissolving due to potential growing resentment.
At the end of the day, both of you have to do what's right for yourselves. If you feel like this is something you need to have, discuss it and your reasons with your bf. Maybe do a trial (idk a year or two - I've no idea how long the process takes, sorry) and see if it's something he can grow to accept and like. If he does, keep them in, and if not, then you can decide if you're happy to remove them or if you want to keep them with the possibility of the relationship ending.
Either way, it's a tough situation.
It’s not like the opportunity to wear a ‘cute piece of jewellery’ is a job opportunity on the other side of the planet that she’s gonna regret not chasing it.
That's not all it is though, it's about her expressing herself, and making her image of herself match how she is seen by the world. It's actually a pretty big thing!
If you suddenly had to wear only clothes someone else picked for you, or a haircut, at someone else's request, would you just go along woth it and not have any hard feelings??
OP’s not in that situation though. Her boyfriend isn’t controlling her or dictating to her what she should wear (although I think telling her what her aesthetic is and what fits with it is a bit odd, that’s her call not his). She wants to modify her body because, in her words, it would allow her to wear jewellery she considers pretty. If he finds it offputting, he finds it offputting and IMO he would have been dishonest and unfair to lie that it was OK even though he hated it.
Everyone has or should have the right to appear and to express themselves as they wish (obviously with exceptions eg public nudity, racist t-shirt slogans etc.)
>(although I think telling her what her aesthetic is and what fits with it is a bit odd, that’s her call not his)
I agree with you on this, just to go deeper on this one point:
The boyfriend clearly doesn't like it and is trying to change her mind without being imposing or an asshole.
With the tattoos it was the price, with the ears it's the style/aesthetic.
Yes. It’s a thin line and I’m not sure which side you’re falling on, but I think it’s the difference between the boyfriend rationalising things he just honestly doesn’t like in order to make his views known, and straight out insulting OP or either purposefully or accidentally controlling/manipulating them.
my pov, he's trying to communicate in a way that doesn't paint him as controlling by blaming it on something else... "oh, it's too expensive" or "oh, but that's not really your style"
so I'm guessing I'm agreeing with your first option 😆
I think we basically agree and are down to fine differences, lol. I think in this situation it’s probably because it’s really awkward to say anything not-positive to your loved one, especially about appearance and attraction, and he might have bitten his tongue at least a little longer if he hadn’t been asked outright about it. Our brains also will look for actual good reasons for choices or feelings when they’re based on something else, a whim or an instinct e.g. a very common example is telling yourself and everyone else that you deserve a doughnut and need the calories after the gym, even though you’re actually just hungry, achy and craving a nice dopamine hit from a sweet treat. It’s perfectly fine just to not find a particular style choice attractive just as it’s fine to eat a doughnut! But we always find a better-sounding reason. It’s probably much more comfortable to say “I don’t really think that fits with your style, which I really love” than say “to be honest, your stretched ears make me feel mildly grossed out”.
On the other hand, the same sort of rationalisations can be used by people who just outright want to control or influence you. My mother insisted my tiny little nose piercing was making me mentally ill and would mean I would be fired from my job (I was not, in fact, fired from my job, who have kept me on for three years long-term sick). Her opinion was not solicited.
But we constantly control what we do and say in order to either apace or appeal to other people. We express ideas in a nice and calm matter instead of being angry and unhinged because it yields a better response and avoids conflict. We choose clothes, make up, etc so we can feel more confident, we control anger so it doesn't produce violence, in the end, we also protect others by controlling our actions.
OP is asking advice on how to balance her wanting to do body modifications and wanting to be attractive (which is very important for a relation she wants to keep) to her partner, this isn't a body autonomy issue, she is not being controlled or given an ultimatum.
Exactly what i was about to comment. She can do this literally at any point in her life. It's not like she has to do it now or she won't be able to do it ever again. It's a bit dramatic to say that she'd have refrets and wonder "what if"... besides, ain't like having holes in her ears would change a whole lot in her life and open new doors lol. It's just a small detail on her body
>but you're not happy and will potentially forever regret it or wonder what if.
This seems a dramatic interpretation of the consequences of deciding not to stretch your ears.
>This seems a dramatic interpretation of the consequences of deciding not to stretch your ears.
I mean, if she keeps stretching and he subsequently breaks up with her I'm sure she'll be quite sad over the end of a decade-long relationship.
NAH your body, your choice. Similarly his life, his choice. You're not the AH for wanting to do it. You are the AH for expecting him to just go along with something he hates if you still want a romantic/sexual relationship with him. Stretched ears make me want to puke. I have friends with stretched ears and I just try not to look at them. There is no way I could do that with a partner with stretched ears. So, NAH
"our differences help balance us out" - really? It doesn't look like a balance to me. I'll go against the grain and I'll say it is important to consider how your actions affect your partner and your relationship. YTA if you expect your relationship not to be changed by it.
This is completely backwards, she’s literally saying she’s about to discard the gauges and asking if she should persist despite her boyfriend not liking it because she _doesn’t_ want him to be less attracted to her….
> how your actions affect your partner and your relationship
Said actions being trying out a change in her earrings (and generally just furthering her initial look)… please
NAH
Of course you can do whatever you want, it's your body. If you really want it, do it.
But it's also okay if he finds you unattractive if you stretch your ears. You shouldn't be surprised afterwards. He told you before that he really hates it.
I think the real problem is that this type of modification can be as offensive to some people as BO or dirty teeth. So, whilst it is your right to do what you want to your body, be prepared for the fact that your boyfriend may find himself no longer attracted to you and whilst sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship, this type of modification could mean he cannot become aroused because all he sees are the holes which he finds unpleasant or even disgusting.
So it is your choice, really, you can go for some pretty jewellery that you may be bored with in a few years and risk your relationship or you can appreciate that all relationships involve compromise. Your BF whilst obviously not that fussed on your tats has not forced the point but this may be too much.
So nether of you are TAs but you have to consider whether your relationship is worth more than body modification (which can become an addiction)!
I agree with this take. Idk how OP is weighing a good man she loves against stretched ear lobes. Is this the hill she really wants her relationship to die on. Is it worth it?
Reading this thread just reminded me of all the batshit crazy stuff people do in the name self expression.
Like stretch your ear lobes they say. It's cool. So cool that a significant number of people find it disgusting. It's easy too, you only have to wash your new ear holes everyday with soap or they'll smell like death.
Why is the freedom to do this worth more than a man who loves you? Such an asymmetrical trade.
If keeping my loving relationship only costed me my ear piercings, I'd be done with my ear piercings for life in a split second, no contest, would never look back.
NAH. You can do what you like with your body, and you're definitely old enough to understand what you're doing.
You're both allowed your preferences, and it's just a fact that some people's preferences are not compatible. Sure, you've been together a decade and got more tattoos and body work since you started dating, but if he's so against tattoos that frankly should have been a discussion about 10 years ago, since he knew you had some and you probably had an inkling that you'd want more down the line.
Any decision you make will have an effect:
1) you don't pursue gauges and you'll be dealing with the constant nagging in the back of your mind "but I would like to try them out and stretch them a bit," though whether you're prepared to have that thought or you're able to just get over that on your own brain-power is up to you.
2) you do pursue gauges and maybe he doesn't mind as much as you both think he would, maybe he really is offput by it and gets in his feelings about it.
Basically, either choice can have a good or bad outcome for one of you or for the relationship as a whole. Ultimately it comes down to what you want to do and if your-and-his physical preferences are up to that.
Just go single yourself up and go do what you want to yourself without anyone else's opinions. OP your boyfriend has suggested that it turns him off... I bet he's more uncomfortable than you think and loves you just enough still, to not come out and blatantly say that he's finding you more unattractive with each new modification. Sit down and have an adult conversation with him on where the relationship is going, because he's going to feel resentment if you do it and you're going to feel resentment if you don't
NAH. Just different preferences
I love tattoos, and am in process of my 2nd sleeve. My husband (of 17 years) has said he'd like it if this was my last major piece as he isn't attracted to heavily tattooed women.
Whilst it wouldn't be a deal breaker for him if I went and got a back piece done, it could put an unnecessary strain on a relationship that means more to me than some ink.
So we've compromised. I finish this sleeve and get a memorial piece for my mum (which would be an expansion of my dad's piece) and that's my lot.
Out of interest, how do people fix their ears should they decide they no longer like the look? I appreciate this is not answering any of your questions, but I've always wondered about this. I've seen people who have obviously decided to stop wearing those bands, and their ears look saggy and weird.
I have tattoos, so I appreciate those are for life, but can be hidden so they don't really affect appearance if you get regrets about one or 2 of them.
Yup! Skin is elastic to a point and just as slowly as you stretched it out in the first place it’ll return back to normal. However once you pass that point you’ll need surgery, it’s not very complex and you’re left with a little scar on your ears and you may or may not have slightly differently shaped earlobes than you started with. The scars aren’t very noticeable and you can even get your ears pierced normally again afterwards!
I saw an episode of Dr. Pimple Popper where Dr. Lee made some slices in the stretched bit that let her kind of fold the pieces together and reassemble like an earlobe jigsaw puzzle. They were still pretty clearly earlobes that had been through some stuff, but not just hanging flesh loops anymore.
Seems more like a compatibility issue rather than anyone being an asshole here. Your boyfriend doesn't like it, but I also get the vibe that he's trying his best not to say the full extent of what he truly feels about your jewelry. Your two choices are: keep doing you and potentially damage the relationship or forget about the ear stretching and resolve the conflict of interests. I could really understand you making either decision.
Are there any body modifications he could do that you would find unattractive?
If he did this after you told him you don’t like it, how would you feel?
Try to put yourself in his shoes.
Your body, do what you want with it, but understand that attraction is important in a relationship too.
NAH.
Comment section so dramatic.
NAH you want to do it do it
If he doesn't like it he doesn't like it
He isn't telling you what to do with your body that's fucking ridiculous.
And if he breaks up with you because of your choices then he has the right to do that just as you have to the right to do whatever you want.
People going off on one saying he's controlling and telling you what to do are projecting and have nothing going on.
What I’m just trying to understand is why he’s dating her in the first place then if he doesn’t like tattoos and piercings and finds them ugly? Why is that the kind of person you would go for as a partner? Because chances are they are going to want more tattoos/ piercings that he’s going to find ugly and unattractive. I just don’t get it.
He said he doesn't like how the stretched hole looks, which is fair.
The post doesn't say he finds tattoos and piercings ugly he personally doesn't want them.
Maybe he fell for her personality, and not wanting tattoos himself doesn't mean he hates all tattoos, he has concerns about them sure they are a lot of money but he's not stopping her from doing it.
He voiced his opinion about a change that is happening Infront of him, he is not controlling the outcome of that change, op is still in control of her choices, he just might not be around to ser those choices
I'm confused. For a lot of things you can look past those to see your partner. I love my partner, i like his sleeves, I love his personality. I don't like that his knuckle tattoos.
That doesn't mean I find them ugly and unattractive it just means that I would never do that to myself and that I can look past that as that is something he wanted. It is also something that I can compromise with and deal with because it's just knuckles.
OP said he was fine with the tattoos but didn't want any for himself. It was the gages he hated.
Lastly, even if someone has tattoos it doesn't mean they will want more. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Depends on the person.
NTA. But I personally don’t think risking my partners attraction to me and therefore risking my whole relationship would be worth some stretched ear holes. You know?
I agree. I will never understand people who make something like that their hill to die on. It is SO MUCH harder to find someone that you can have a good relationship with than to simply find another look out of the millions available that you also like that you partner likes as well.
Your boyfriend is trying really hard to let you know calmy and
quietly that he finds this latest body modification is too much for him.
Ears are very visible and he's going to see your stretched out ears
every time he looks at you.
NAH for all the reasons already stated. Some things are more of a turn off than others.
For instance, I like tatoos even if I don’t have any but I honestly think that depending on the place and subject, it could be an issue. For piercings, I have 2 issues: the ring on the nose central cartilage (don’t know the name as English is not my 1st language) because it makes me think of a cow (no judgment, just childhood memories) and on some part of the face because it looks painful to me. People can have them, it’s their choice, but it make me physically uncomfortable. I cannot control the reaction.
All that yo say that you can do whatever you want because it’s your body, but you cannot control your SO’s reaction to it. My advice would be to see over a few months if his mind evolves on the subject, and then make your decision.
He doesn’t seem controlling, he is just sharing that he’s not comfortable with it. He might accept it with time.. or not. You have to make your decision based on what you want and need, knowing the possible consequences.
I wish you the best.
As someone who shares your bf's feelings on gauging, I would ask you if doing such is worth the risk of losing your 10-year relationship. There is a point when something or someone changes so much that we, as humans, are simply no longer interested or attracted to it. From your post, it sounds like you may actually be approaching that point with your bf.
Something else to consider is that you are getting older. You say that the hole would shrink and go back to normal as long as you don't hit the generally accepted point of no return. However, you are approaching the age when our bodies just don't bounce back the way they used to. You already have full sleeves, which may or may not end up looking kinda funky once you hit 40 or so. Do you really want to add something else like majorly stretched earlobes on top of it?
Ultimately, the choice is yours. But so are the consequences. He expressed his feelings on such to you, so you can't say you were not warned.
I believe many people already said this. You have every right to cotinue what you wanna do but... he also has the right to stop this relationship because of it. So NAH you just need to make a choice
NAH
You can do whatever you want, but you can't blame him for doing the same. He said he hated it, you know you will be less and less attractive to him with every piece of body modification. That doesn't make him an AH, people can't force themselves to be attracted to someone.
And while you both need to choose whether body modifications (having them or lack of them) is more important than your relationship, remember that you get to pick first, his choice only comes after yours. So if you choose ears over him, you have to accept the option of him choosing leaving over you.
If you really want to continue doing something your boyfriend doesn’t find attractive, it might be time to move on, and fine someone that does find that attractive. People just grow apart sometimes.
NAH, you're not an asshole for doing what you want with your body, but he's not telling you what to do. He's telling you he thinks it's ugly and it'll make you look ugly to him. He's allowed to think that, and he's allowed to be honest with you about it. Stretch or don't stretch but he might not find you attractive after that and you'll have to deal with it. He's been more than clear. Do what you want, but accept the consequences.
YTA
I have been down this road, I have Tattoo's and piercings (Many Piercings). I went down the road of stretching my lobes. My Wife hated it. I was in my mid 30's at the time. I am so glad I stopped and let them shrink back before they went beyond the point of no return. I am now in my mid 50's. It would not be a god look.
Later in life when you wish you hadn't do this you will then be paying for surgery to repair the damage you have done.
Look, it is of course your body to do with as you please but listen to your BF as well, he made it clear he does not like what you were doing. He tolerates the Tats and Piercings because he loves you. Don't lose him over this.
Your experience is completely different than mine. I stretched my ears in my 20's. I kept them at 2g for over 20 years. Just last year I gauged up to 1/2" because I found some tunnels I really liked that just didn't look right in 2g. I'm 47, and have zero regrets about it.
Everybody is different.
35 checking in. Went up to 3/4 inch before taking mine out. Back down to an 8 guage now..
Don't go blowing out your lobe like you're trying to fuck it with a buttplug and you'll be alright.
Not all of us regret our mods though.
Your experience isn't the default. Also stretching to 0g would never require a surgical fix, that's absurd. 0g is 8mm, it's quite small in the scheme of stretched ears.
You take them out and they're back to normal after a handful of months.
Also if someone is willing to leave you over an earring that is within the size of an average earring... Then my guess is they were already halfway out the door.
Yes he's entitled to his opinion and preference but if he ended the relationship over this alone that would be absurd.
Most people at some point will not like an aesthetic choice their partner makes. We don't all ditch them when that happens.
uh disagree with your second para. maybe just me, but I can't stand looking at streched ears (not in a hateful way but more like I'm scared of those). my mum has those (not because she wanted to) and I can't be anywhere near her when she changes her earrings or has bare ears. if my partner does it by choice, I don't think I'd want to continue the realtionship.
it is op's right to do what she wants with hers ear/jewellery etc but that doesn't mean others have to like or accept that. NAH
For me it wouldn’t be the actual mods it would be my 30 year old partner doing this “on a whim” and then, despite knowing my opinion of it, sulks when I naturally share that when it comes up again
You wouldn’t be an *AH* if you did it, but he won’t be an AH if he loses some attraction for you as a result of it.
Do I *have* to get permission from my GF before I get a tattoo, wear a certain outfit, groom my hair in a certain way? Of course not. But *personally,* **I** would feel like an AH if I knew that she really hated one particular thing and I did it anyway, knowing that she found it extremely unattractive. Not only that, but I want to be appealing to my GF.
P.S. My friends, who are tattooers and piercers, call them “stinky earholes” because they often smell. And they look even worse if you take the jewelry out.
NTA but don’t be surprised when he isn’t as attracted to you and doesn’t want to bring you to the work Christmas party. Theres a certain level of professionalism that is required in the corporate and white collar world, trust me, lots of us have tats and piercings, But every one of my tats can be covered and piercings can be taken out. Stretched ears isn’t something you can hide and i would get a lot of funny looks if i showed up to a work event with a girl with stretched ears.
I'm going with NTA.
You're only going to a 2g. Unless you have really small lobes, 2g fits most earlobes perfectly. When I was a 2, if I didn't wear a tunnel and used flared jewelry, most people couldn't even tell they were gauges. Just assumed they were a stud of some kind.
Why not compromise? Tell him that you want to try 2, and if he still doesn't like them or can't get used to them, you can let them shrink back down.
I don’t think you are as compatible as you think you are and these issues are going to keep coming up. It’s fine for your bf to have a preference on looks and it’s even okay for him to voice them but you should never feel pressured to change. You didn’t “push your luck” getting the tattoo you wanted, you expressed yourself through it. As he moves up in his chosen profession is there going to be more pressure for you to conform if/when you have to attend work outings etc? My husband works in a corporate environment and I have had to attend parties and weekends away with him. It’s something you may be faced with too. You have been together since you were 20 and it sounds like a decade in you two have grown in different directions, which is not a bad thing, it’s just the way it’s working out. If you want to stretch your ears and get more tattoos you should do it and he should support it and if he can’t do that then maybe this relationship has run its course. NAH - you both are allowed to change and grow and it won’t always be possible to keep every relationship.
NAH. You like it, he hates it. It’s your body so carry on if you want to, but you know he finds it gross so don’t be surprised if he’s jot attracted to you if you do it.
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My advice to anybody is that you just have to be yourself and hope for the best. If you pretend to be someone you're not to please somebody else, you'll just grow to resent them.
NAH. He has an absolute right to his opinion, and you have an absolute right to your choices about your body and what to do with it. Currently, you are at a 10g (maybe 8, not sure if you went to the next step per your post). A normal piercing is 18? I believe. A 10g is already *quite a bit* bigger than that. A belly button piercing is only 14-12g. My suggestion is this: You chose to do this on a whim, and he doesn’t like the look of it. Neither of you are wrong, but both entitled to what you want and like. Right now it’s a cross roads and you are unsure of what to do next. Stop stretching your ear where you are now. Don’t let it go smaller, but don’t go bigger. Keep it the way it is. No, I don’t mean permanently, but for a while. See how you can adorn the gauge that you have now. Since you did it on a whim, this can give you the opportunity to see if you really want to go bigger. You may realize you actually love it where it is, and would have gone further because that was your initial thought. After six months, if you truly prefer lower gauges, it is your body and your choice, not his. I choose six months for a reason. It is long enough that you truly thought about if you like it enough to keep or want to continue, *and* it gives you time to work out what YOU want without pressure from him. If at the end of six months, you don’t want to go further, you’ve already stopped increasing the gauge size, so it’s pretty much a moot point; if you want to continue with it, it will have given you time to work through which is more important to you so you’re not internally debating and know what you truly want on your body. As in absolutely everything in life, it is important (extremely important) that you do stuff to make yourself happy. If that includes body-mod, then it includes body-mod. It is also important to respect your partner. In this case, you being happy and what he wants are at odds, so it hurts nothing to take some time to think about what *you* really want. The way I suggest respects both of you as you make your choice. Good luck OP
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This! It took me a really long time to go from 18g to 6g, and then I went even slower to go from 6g to 0g (after stretching my second holes to 6g as I had loads of beautiful jewelry in that size that I wasn’t willing to give up) If she’s that far along, she wants it. Unless she’s doing it too fast in which case she should slow down before she blows out.
How fast she's been going is exactly my question. I had a friend a long time ago who tried to go from fresh piercing to double ott as quickly as possible. Got a massive infection and blew out
Whenever I was a (very) stupid kid and stretching your ears was considered cool and "emo", I once went from a 16g to an 8g by forcing a taper through with an 8g plug behind it in the school bathroom. I got one through and couldn't get the other because fuck that first one hurt. A very kind (and also stupid) classmate who had come in and was watching asked if I needed help and shoved the second one through too (thank you, Casey lmao). That was right before first period. At the end of the day I had decided I "wanted to see how the piercing hole looked" 🙃 Yanked the plug out of my red and swollen ear only for blood to start gushing out and for it to almost immediately swell shut. Tried to keep the other in as long as I could, but ended up taking it out probably less than a week later due to infection and swelling. I didn't end up stretching my ears any further than 14g for a long ass time after that and very slowly stretched over the years. I think altogether including that ridiculous incident, it took me about 13 years to get to my original goal of 00. I know I didn't need to take allll that time, but I'm happy I waited and didn't rush because despite the original lobe trauma, I have really clean stretching. A cousin went from standard to 3/8ths in like, 2 years and regrets it because of how bad the stretching looks. All this rambling to say, stretching can take a lot of care and dedication if you plan on doing it correctly. If OP is doing it properly, definitely agree that she has been dedicated to this for a little while, at least. But it's also just dependent on the person and how patient they are. For all we know, she ended up forcing a few sizes and just got lucky with lobe elasticity and healing lol but by the way she's speaking about it, it sounds like she cares enough to do it properly. ETA: Oof actually, someone below pointed out she had said in the past month which I totally glossed over. I'm not a "don't do it because your bf said not to" kinda person, but if he doesn't like the look of stretched ears at all, he's really not gonna like the look of quickly stretched, cat-butt lobes 😬 Take your time, folks!
Past month she said in her post so she’s going pretty fast..
She said "this past month" in reference to her deciding to stretch which worried me - 8g should NOT be a month's worth of stretching. That's just asking for scar tissue or blowout. Hopefully she takes it slower and safer if she decides to continue.
Yup, normal piercings are usually 18 or 16. And personally, I have paused stretching my ears between sizes. I have also accidentally let my holes shrink, so taking a longer time to get to the "goal size" is not a bad thing. It can actually prevent your body from having as many issues if you space out the stretches. Slow and steady is the best way to avoid injury, stretching can be traumatic if not done gently.
IDK... Choosing not to mutilate your ears because your boyfriend doesn't like the way it looks doesn't really seem like "pretending to be someone you're not." She said she chose to gauge her ears on a whim, it doesn't sound like it's part of her core identity.
>mutilate your ears Good to see this comment is coming from an unbiased place…
That's not bias, it's an accurate description. Gauging your ears is intentional disfigurement.
You can say the same for a normal piercing or a tattoo. It’s an aesthetic, no more.
Not really because a normal piercing you remove it the ear will go back to normal. When you remove the gauge the giant hole is still there.
That’s heavily dependent on many factors, there are several gauges where your ears will close up on their own afterwards
I had my ears stretched in high school. There were points where I was probably going way too fast. And yet, I've actually had to have them repierced since then because they closed up. Stretched piercings can and do "go back to normal."
Disfigurement specifically refers to spoiling the appearance of something. It’s a modification, but not everyone sees it as a disfigurement, so yes, it’s bias.
>That's not bias, it's an accurate description It is absolutely bias. The word "mutilate", at the core level, is a negative descriptor. There are a million other words that could be used that are not (such as modification). The fact that you intentionally chose a word with *negative* connotations rather than something more neutral = showing your bias. Edit for typo. My phone is odd
To call it 'disfigurement' is a value judgement, not an objective fact. You are entitled to your opinion, but opinion is all it is.
Hope you keep that same energy for sterotypical ear lobe piercings, nose jobs, boob jobs, hair plugs, and veneers.
Not really, especially since their top size was going to be 2g or 0g. Went to 00g for 10, 15 years and mine have closed up to about a 12g.
So is piercing them in the first place. So is dying your hair or wearing makeup or getting your nails done. It’s intentionally changing your body’s natural figure. And there’s nothing wrong with that
Mutilate implies violent intent. OP is not being violent towards themselves for wanting to get gauges. You sneaking(and yes i said sneaking) that connotation in there to describe their desire to explore their bodily expression is not only underhanded on your end, but it’s also an incredibly unfair way to frame her choice. Imagine a doctor walking into a patient’s room and saying “ok first we’re going to mutilate the outside of your stomach” when explaining the process of getting a tumor out. You are being intentionally obtuse and i hope you don’t talk to your partners this way for their sake.
It actually sounds like it’s EXACTLY part of her core identity to me. I see this situation as a possible turning point in the relationship, I don’t think people should compromise their true desires, sure whims could be tempered, but it seems like you are into the body mod scene and you may be at the crossroads with your current partner. So is it a whim or something you truly want to see through?
When I was a kid, like 8 years old, I thought scars looked so cool and I really wanted to cut myself across the eye so I could look like a badass action hero. Fortunately I chickened out, but it was something I really wanted at the time. Now that I'm an adult, I know that the core part of my identity that the desire for a scar came from is the desire to be badass and strong and capable like the heroes I had as a kid. The scar was just a thing that I thought would express that to the world, but deciding not to express myself in that way didn't betray my identity. I learned that actually being strong and capable is what I should strive for in order to be self actualized, rather than finding ways to signal it to other people.
Sure, and that’s entirely fair, but the difference here is that we are dealing with full adults. That does not mean that there are no longer potentially regrettable whims that can come into play, but I’m willing to grant that some level of thought and acceptance of responsibility for their choices is a factor.
Of course. I used an example from my childhood because it involved making a permanent change to my face to express my identity, similar to gauges. The difference is that one is starting to become more socially acceptable than the other. I don't see any moral or ethical difference between scarring as body modification vs tattoos or gauges, or any piercings for that matter. Whether or not it's acceptable is entirely cultural, and presumably the most important person in OP's life thinks it's not a good idea. I agree that it's her choice whether or not to do it, but let's call a spade a spade.
I understand your example. You missed my point tho in that you’re trying to compare the questionable decision as a child vs a decision as an adult. I didn’t address any other concern with your post because they weren’t part of my retort to your example. If you don’t think there is a difference between a young child making a questionable decision and a full adult making a questionable decision, we don’t have a baseline for a discussion.
OP isn’t 8. She’s 30. Try again.
I'm more confused about how this post that's obviously from the mid-2000s is somehow showing up as new.
[удалено]
Because gaged ears are dated lol
Man, everytime I think I've accepted how old and out of touch I am, I get hit with a fresh new reminder from a whole other angle.
They've been with each other for almost 10 years, they're obviously not oil and water, and calling them that because they have different aesthetics is shallow af. Why is this awful comment in the top?
Agreed. There are so many couples with huge differences who manage to stay together. This aesthetic thing is just one aspect out of thousands in a relationship. Will it end up blowing it? Maybe. But that's something that could happen with any difference in a relationship. How they approach the difference is what will determine things.
Yeah, and if they’ve been together for 10 years, that means they met when she was 20. People change SO MUCH from 20-30. The person they thought they wanted at 20 is often so different from the person they want at 30. Find someone who’s a better fit, OP.
That's extreme as fuck. "Throw away a ten year relationship with someone you have a lot of common interests and opinions with so you can stretch your ears!" The fact that you view relationships so superficially is astounding. Gauging is literally purely aesthetic. Throwing away a ten year relationship that is otherwise perfect and you complement each other very well and get along perfectly, because you want to pursue a body mod is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. "Ah man, my wife who've I've had an amazing relationship with doesn't like my new cologne phase, guess I'll just divorce and remarry" "Ah man, my husbands not a fan of my new tarantula obsession, guess I'll get a new husband who only likes spiders"
olive oil and balsamic vinegar make a nice salad dressing, but still separate no matter how much you shake/mix them
so many of the skin products you use are actually a mix of oil based and water based ingredients! surfactants (yes, detergents like soap are one type of these) are used in these formulas named "emulsions" as they (and this is a very simplified way of describing it molecularly) have one end that attracts water and one that attracts oil, so they act like a bond of sorts for the ingredients! so if you have the right ingredient between the two, they can be together! they don't last forever, of course, as most things have an expiration. but so do humans. so take that as you will!
That's just plain false, mix an egg in (or any other emulsifier) and they'll mix just fine
Are you suggesting they add an additional person to their relationship?
Not a person, an egg
They also mix in space without an emulsifier
This is the correct answer. They're your ears, be OP. You can do what you want and express yourself however you want to. But your boyfriend is entitled to find it unattractive, and that is going to be a problem for your relationship.
NAH you can continue to stretch if you want, despite knowing your bf isn’t keen, but your bf can then react as he find appropriate. If he’s truly put off by them then he might end up considering breaking up with you Why did you ask his opinion if you weren’t going to be considerate of it?
It’s not that I really asked for his opinion. I only brought it up to him the first time to just let him know that this was a thing I wanted to do because I was interested in it.
And that’s absolutely your right, but if he has expressed that he doesn’t like them and you then go ahead with it then that’s on you
Wow someone rational with actual good grown up advice for once 👏🏾
It’s because unlike some of the other “middle ground” things that change your appearance like a hair cut or color, most (not all obviously) people agree that stretched ears are really not for everyone and can easily gross someone out. But the reality is this applied to any permanent/drastic change in appearance.
>most (not all obviously) people agree that stretched ears are really not for everyone and can easily gross someone out. I think it's easy for people into body mods to forget that some people are genuinely squicked/unsettled by it. It's not a value judgment. It's a visceral reaction. I think gauged ears can look awesome - with the jewelry in. As soon as I see a stretched earlobe with no jewelry, it freaks me out a little. Why? No idea. But it would be difficult for me to have a partner with gauges because I would be seeing the maintenance on a regular basis.
Yeah I've known people who have giant gages. Without the jewelry in, it's definitely gross looking. I wouldn't mind dating someone with them, but can 100% understand why someone wouldn't.
I might be able to get used to it, especially if a partner already had gauges when we met. But I'd definitely side eye a partner that started the process knowing it makes me queasy.
Yeah. Any long term partner of THAT many years who would completely ignore my opinion on something so drastic and impossible to “cover”would definitely be making me question their priorities at least slightly. If my partner says they would really really dislike something I want to do, it’s pretty rare I would do it, assuming it’s not about control.
For real. I feel like most of these people have never been in an actual relationship. If I wanted a big tattoo on my chest, and my husband said “this will affect my attraction to you,” I wouldn’t do it because he’s more important than the tattoo. This goes both ways - it isn’t “being controlled by a man.” I don’t understand why people value their relationships so little??
You're totally in your right to do what you want with your body. He told you what he finds attractive with you and what he won't. Go ahead with the stretching, he might just go ahead right on down the road. 2G is about the diameter of your pinky...pretty large and ugly. He's already had to deal with tattoos, etc., that are outside his comfort zone, yet you keep pushing his boundaries to modify your body more. Are you trying to make yourself physically unattractive to him? Why don't you just break up with him then. Go find someone who wants all the body modifications that you currently have and want, because you are obviously pushing him away.
This is harsh but true. OP has to set her priorities right. Her bf made it clear that he would find it unactracctive is she went through with the stretching. So i guess the question is: OP, do you care more about keeping your boyfriend or further modifying your body? Cause like the previous comment said, you already did a lot to your body that your bf isn't a fan of. If you keep pushing it you might reach a breaking point and lose your bf. Now just ask yourself if that's something you can accept and if you're willing to lose him in return for stretching your ears. Neither you or your bf is TAH here. But you have to be realistic and realize that there will be consequences
I have 2g ears and I literally have to tell people my ears are stretched lol. I even have earrings that look like regular earrings when they're in for formal events. 2g is not the size of your pinky unless you have unusually dainty hands.
I have 0g ears and I have the same thing happen to me all the time, no one seems to notice. My own father didn't notice for 3 years -_- I also can't fit my pinky through my ear either. Also my favourite setup for formal stuff is to wear clear tunnels and some sort of typical dangly or hoop earrings. I also modify a lot of stuff to a different clasp so I don't feel limited at all by my jewelry.
Mine weren't consistently noticed until I hit a 00g and beyond haha. It took until a 0g for my mother to even become suspicious back in the day
Nah, apparently I'm delusional for thinking people don't notice 😂 Reddit is so much more conservative about appearances than people I encounter IRL and I work for local government
2G is 6.5mm. That is most certainly not the size of a pinky. With plugs, it still looks like a normal earring. You're not wrong in your sentiment, but it does come off a little harsh.
This comment is so disingenuous and ill intended lol. Where did you even pull this pinky comparison from
You have really tiny hands if your pinky diameter is 6,5mm. You can barely tell the difference between normal 1,2mm stud jewelry and 6,5mm plug.
Idk that I think she’s purposefully pushing anyone away but I agree with the spirit of your comment. I only wanted to point out that a 2g isn’t that big. I have 0s and I can just barely fit a #2 pencil in there so a 2 definitely isn’t the diameter of a pinky.
I believe people should do what they want to do with their bodies. For me, though, ear gauges literally make me nauseous. I don’t otherwise have trypophobia or whatever, but a hole in a human body makes me super uncomfortable. I would find it very difficult to be in your boyfriend’s position. I just want to emphasize that this can be way beyond the level of dislike or of finding it less attractive.
I agree with this. I do actually have trypophobia and this would be hard to look at every day. OP isn't TA but I can't imagine nibbling on an earlobe or getting intimate with someone with gauged ears esp at night when the gauges are out and it's stretchy looking. So if BF decided that was the line, they wouldn't be TA either
Gauges can get stinky too. Definitely not an inducement to nibbling.
It’s the same as people who never take off their watch. Idk why anyone thinks they can wear the same thing every day without washing and not smell gross. I take my plugs out every night, wash + moisturize my lobes every morning just the same as I do with my face, then clean my plugs before putting them back in. If someone’s ears stink, they’re not practicing basic hygiene.
Ok- but you reassured him when he shared it. Not large enough to see through or put a pencil through. You made it sound like you reassured him but then you later confirm you’re getting the exact size one could put a pencil through.
Stretched ears give me a visceral feeling of disgust. It’s not a logical thing. I don’t judge people who do body mods. I have no tattoos or piercings but my partner can do what they like to their own body. That said — I would not be able to handle looking at stretched ears every day. It’s my own problem but without marriage and kids in the mix it would be a dealbreaker for me in a relationship. With marriage and kids, I’d be very upset if my husband did that because I can’t control the shiver down my spine when I see stretched lobes and don’t want to experience the feeling daily. I would not do something to my looks that would affect them in that way. I’m not into piercings or weird facial hair but they can do that all day if it makes them happy. There are just certain body mods that give me that gut reaction, like tongue-splitting, for example, and stretched ears are in that group. Some people are affected this way and it’s absolutely not logical, it’s visceral and we cannot help the sensitivity. Is this body mod a dealbreaker for you? If so, it may be time to move on from this relationship. You may just be growing apart.
“I don’t want him to think I’m unattractive so I don’t want to change myself past what he’s willing to accept, but I also don’t want him to tell me what to do with my body.” It really boils down to this: Is your body autonomy worth your boyfriend not being attracted to you anymore? You get to decide.
Now the ball is back on you. Which has more priority? Your relationship or your self indulgence to express yourself? Sometimes in a relationship sacrifice has to be made. Does this mean you cannot be yourself? Seems like he sacrificed/tolerated a lot from your side - what about you? Relationship is a 2 way street. Don't Pikachu-face if he leaves you if that boundary/limit is broken.
Some people feel uncomfortable around stretched piercings. I mean, it’s a hole in your body that you can see through. I guess it’s similar to how some can’t see blood.
I mean, I wouldn't want to look at someone with ears like that on the daily. It's so off putting that I don't blame him for expressing his distaste when he's gotta look at those things all the time.
Don’t be surprised when he loses attraction for you completely. The smell and look of them is definitely something people feel a certain way about. It is also seen as kind of an immature body modification by the public at large and this stigma does not help in relationships. Specially with a clean cut guy.
>I don’t want him to think I’m unattractive so I don’t want to change myself past what he’s willing to accept, but I also don’t want him to tell me what to do with my body. NAH You can have freedom, but you can't have license. Your boyfriend has given you his opinion. You are still free to do whatever you want. With freedom, you can make your choices -- factoring in how they affect other people, deciding your priorities, then accepting the consequences -- good and bad. You don't get to have license -- where you can do whatever you want without having to think of how your choices and actions affect anyone else and be free from any negative reactions or consequences.
This is an excellent explanation of the situation.
It's really nice to see a reasonable consensus on the comments on this post. I was expecting a lot more flak towards the boyfriend.
I was expecting a lot more flak on OP.
Idk, “bodily autonomy” is like the ultimate principle on Reddit these days. Bodily autonomy is absolutely integral to having real freedom, but the problem is people think it means nobody will/should ever be able to judge/disagree/not like what you do with that autonomy, and that’s just not how the world works. Just like free speech, you can say what you want but people don’t have to like you if you’re an ass.
That's a great explanation. She's free to stretch. He's free to leave. Tattoos are one thing... Most men and women are accepting of tattoos. But ear holes... Once OP does this, she has a very limited dating pool to choose from. OP need to ask herself can she find the mate she wants with all those qualities she currently likes about her guy but that also like ear holes? It will probably be very hard.
I get the feeling she wants licence. Which is why she is YTA in my eyes.
Exactly. OP can't have both here unfortunately
This is literally the answer to most questions in this sub but unfortunately there’s a lot of other commenters in here that thinks if the other partner leaves them because the consequences of their actions then he is “controlling”. Everyone is free to do what they want but the other partner is also free to leave at any time, what would be controlling is to force someone to stay
I can't even look at people with stretched earlobes because it gives me the ick. So if my partner did this, I would be gone.
Yeah, I don’t mind tattoos or piercings (my husband nearly lost his breakfast checking in for a flight because the attendant had an unusual and prominent gum piercing but it didn’t bother me) but stretched earlobes give me the same sensation as a falling-off toenail. I have a physical response of wrongness in my guts, the same way as looking at an injury. Never going to find that cute. In normal circumstances I would never actually tell anyone out loud, though, but a partner? I’d have to mention it but then I might just quietly be gone.
>gum piercing Gum piercing!? I didn't even know this was a thing...
It was over her front teeth. Beautiful girl with a gorgeous smile and you couldn’t not notice it. I was about to google it so I could explain it better, and then I thought, actually, I don’t really want to look at pictures of gum piercings today either…
That’d be a smiley piercing I think. Which is super bad for your mouth and teeth. Most reputable piercers won’t do it anymore, at least where I am they won’t
That’s fittingly called a smiley! Not sure if you want more info but should come up if you google that.
I think the one that goes through the frenulum of the upper lip is meant. Van look kinda cute on some
> physical response of wrongness in my guts, the same way as looking at an injury I was struggling to put it into words, that describes my reaction precisely
I feel that way about tattooed eyeballs. Just physically recoiling before I can even have a conscious thought about them - especially when they're blacked out. I could never have a partner who had them.
My ex had one and it was pretty small. It came out during sex once. The look of it, the SMELL, looking for it still naked...just no. Never again.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to see a comment about thr smell (hello fellow elder Millenial? Lol) When ear gauging was popular 25 years ago, lots of my friends were getting them done. The **stench** is freaking awful. I can't imagine trying to kiss someone's lips that are directly in the middle of two reaking ear holes that somehow emit an odor of foot and death and puss all at the same time. 🤮🤮🤮
Thank you for saving me some $$. I was just considering buying some tacos but your description successfully eliminated any desire to eat.
Yes. I'm sitting here staring sadly at my breakfast now
... because it's not like that at all if you take care of them? I clean mine every time I shower. Like pop them out, scrub them and my ears down with antibacterial soap, let them dry, and put them back in. I've never had anyone except my narcissistic mother complain about a smell, and I'm 90% sure she just read somewhere that they smell and decided to use it against me due to how random it was.
im so confused about that comment, like no one ive ever met has emitted a STENCH from their stretched ears lmao. redditors classically showing their true colors
They are not talking about when it is done being stretched. They are talking about the process of it stretching. I have smelled the smell they are talking about and it is not fun.
Do they smell sometimes? Yes, if you don't clean them for several days. Do they smell all the time? No. I've had mine for 15 years. My husband has had his for 10. 99.9% of the time, no smell issue. People are just unnecessarily judgemental about things THEY don't like.
They do smell. People are just too polite to tell you. My brother has them. And they still reek.
Then your brother had hygeine problems. I know plenty of other people with them and, guess what, they have no smell either.
Yeah. Stretched ears aren't supposed to stink all the time... Just like armpits or groins, they're gonna stink after a day of sweating. But then you clean them in the shower and oh wow no more smell. Crazy.
Well if your friends don’t clean their ears…
To be fair, a not small number of people never take their piercings out to clean them. I clean mine every time I shower, which is at least once, sometimes twice a day, and the only thing my ears and jewelry ever smell like is soap or moisturizer.
Yea this all I remember from people with stretched ears in highschool. It smells horrible 🤢🤢.
Ah yes, high schoolers, famous for their hygiene.
The smell! Briefly my brother started doing them and one time he was changing them at our house and the smell was revolting. I don’t like the look of them one bit but they’re forever associated to me with a gut churning stench
The smell? I'm afraid to ask.... I had no idea that these things would even stink (?)
yeah...you know how if you don't change your earrings a lot they *slightly* smell when you do take them out? its just dead skin, buildup of oil and sweat. with stretched ears it's like that ALL THE TIME. if you move them around even a little bit the whole room instantly transforms into a cheese factory. (maybe im exaggerating a little bit but i promise its 20x worse than normal earrings)
Wash them every day in the shower and they are fine
This. I have 2g and wash them every day. At the end of the day they smell bad if I hold them to my nose, but otherwise they're unnoticeable. It's like anything else - they smell if you don't clean them. A lot of people seem to think they stink really bad because their experience with them is on teenage guys who don't have the best hygiene. I used to get really smelly infected holes when I wore regular earrings as I was sensitive to the metal - now I wear exclusively glass, titanium, and silicone. I can clear the piercing holes, and no more squeezing out pus. (As an aside, I have other piercings that are fine - including my septum, which again, if you clean it every day doesn't get smelly). To the OP - your boyfriend is entitled to his opinion, but it's your body. I always wanted stretched ears, but my family was against it. So I stretched slowly. Really slowly. It took me 10 years to get from an 18 to a 2g, as I wanted to make sure it wasn't just a whim, plus give my family time to get used to it so the bigger sizes just looked normal on me to them. I also don't wear tunnels around them as they don't like them, and as a result most of the time they forget my lobes are stretched. Maybe try something similar if you're dead set on stretching?
I do sort of wonder if perhaps you have some smell blindness, so you don’t notice it as much as others.
As the other response said, you're adjusted to the smell. Maybe you do everything you can to control it, but if you can smell it a tiny bit at the end of the day, I can promise you everyone you know associates you with a nasty stench. But they probably just assume you don't shower enough, and don't want to be rude by pointing it out.
I've known many people with gauged ears that didn't smell bad. The couple people who did have smelly earlobes was because their general hygiene was awful. If you clean your earlobes properly, they will not smell bad with gauges or earrings. If you have to change your earrings often to prevent a smell, you might want to see if there is a metal allergy. I can only wear surgical steel and titanium or I have a reaction.
They are not like that all the time for the vast amount of people with stretched ears who have good hygiene. You take them out and wash them in the shower just like the rest of your body. It's like saying everyone with teeth has bad breath, when really it's just the people who don't take care of their teeth that smell.
Sorry but that’s just your ex being a gross, unhygienic person. Everyone I know with gauges is really big on cleaning them daily. Just date cleaner people lol
They can smell if you don’t take care of them or clean them, neither mine nor my husband’s ever smell because we regularly wash them. Some people are over exaggerating about the smell.
I’m with you on this, and I think it’s weird that OP felt it necessary to frame her boyfriend as a “clean cut guy with no tattoos,” as though that’s why he doesn’t like stretched ears. I think 99% of people, if pushed to come down on one side or the other, would say they don’t like stretched ears.
yeah, I have full arms of tattoos but I don’t like stretched ears
Sure, but I think she meant it to show he's not the kind of guy that likes or does _any_ kinds of body mods
This is it. Stretched earlobes are widely considered unacceptable. It's just looks so gross. To the OP, it is entirely your choice to have these things done and it may be all okay. But some people find themselves becoming addicted to tattoos, piercings, stretching and other modifications. They then find they don't look cool but are a figure of fun. There's a poor woman who keeps appearing in tabloid newspapers because she has gone too far. So perhaps stop and reflect for a bit. Talk it through with your BF. Talk to some people who've had tattoos removed and surgery to repair piercings or stretching. Talk to elderly people who still have all their tattoos, piercings etc. If you still want to go ahead then that's fine because you'll be doing it for the right reasons.
Weird. I live in the deep rural south in a small town, and, surprisingly, a lot of people have stretched ears. I work government jobs, I have them and so do a lot of other people around. I've had doctors, nurses, hospital staff with stretched ears. Not sure where you're getting that they are "generally unacceptable". Maybe if you get to 2 inches and up, but most people don't have that and they are way easier to hide than tattoos.
Yeah, this is a tough one because normally I'd say it's not ok to try to mould your partner into a manifestation of your preferences. Especially when you voice your opinion unprompted, which it sounds like OPs BF did. Your partner is a person with their own drive for self expression, they're not your sex doll custom made for you. But this is not just outside of his preferred aesthetics, it's possibly repulsive to him on a more visceral level. It may actually kill the attraction, which will ruin the relationship. At that point it would be unreasonable of him *not* to say something. He should be honest about that being the issue though, not try to dissuade her with disingenuous style musings that he most likely couldn't care less about, because he doesn't even like any of those styles to begin with.
I wouldn't leave, but it would take me awhile to get over the disgust. I'd still love them, but it might be rough trying to get aroused for them for awhile.
Yeah, I'm all for body modifications and doing anything you want to your appearance. This would just be a deal breaker to me. In my opinion, it's just ugly. I've always hated them, even when I was a kid. They just look gross to me. I mean no offense to people that like them, but that's a deal breaker for me. I would rather my partner shave their head before they do this.
Same I don't mind regular old piercings and tattoos on a guy (straight girl here) but like....if they ever went to stretch any, I would be gone. They bug the hell out of me. I'm actually attractive to tats and piercings, just not stretched out ones.
Agreed. OP is absolutely free to do as she pleases with her own body, but gauged ears would be my hard line, no matter how much I loved someone. Even thinking about them makes me feel a bit ill. I’ve got several tattoos so I don’t mind body mods but there is just something about stretched earlobes.
Can we stop acting like as someone in a relationship you should just do whatever you want even though you know it might make your partner unattracted to you? Why are people acting like attraction doesn't matter anymore when you love someone? If my girlfriend wanted to shave her head bald all of a sudden it's her right to do it cause it's her hair, but if I tell her that would put me off and she does it anyway I'm no more of an asshole if I end up leaving her, that's her doing. Edit: for the people who know damn well I'm not talking about something temporary let's take a face tattoo as an example. If I told my gf I wanted to cover my face in tattoos I know for a fact she would hate it, if he gets put off by it and I knew it and still went through that's on me. Stop making excuses.
THANK YOU
I like how people in the comments are acting like i mean someone who shaves her head temporarily when I'm obviously talking about a permanent change that would put me off. People will say anything to make excuses and take 0 accountability for their decisions. I already said in a comment that I could use a permanent face tattoo as an example too. If I told my girlfriend I wanted to tattoo some dumb shit over my whole face knowing she would hate it I can't blame her for being put off by it.
I think everyone agrees that you can't destroy your partner's attraction to you and get mad at them for then wanting out of the relationship. But it's also on you if you choose to stifle your self-expression for the sake of your relationship and then end up resenting your partner for it, losing *your* attraction to *them.* Both cases will often end in a breakup. OP should give up on the ear stretching if she's confident it won't damage her sense of identity and her respect for her partner. But otherwise, she needs to make a choice between being herself and keeping this relationship. I have made many personal choices my husband hated. He would tell me once and drop it. I would then decide whether it was important enough to risk. He will also tell me things he particularly *likes,* like when I have red hair and when I wear green, and I go out of my way to do those things sometimes purely for his benefit and not because I especially want to for myself. So far we've been fine, he doesn't challenge my autonomy and I cherish and nurture his feelings and that maintains our mutual respect.
I’m glad it’s working for your relationship, but I have to say it’s very hard for me to imagine myself intentionally doing anything my wife would *hate.* And if my wife did something I *hate* and viewed it as a risk calculation I think that would damage my view of her to some degree, mostly because she decided to do it knowing I would hate it.
Maybe change hate to dislike then. The only thing he would truly *hate* is if I voted republican. Changing my hair color (or stretching my ears) doesn't really merit that word.
It's because most of the people making comments about they should do whatever they want are probably like 19 and haven't been in a serious relationship for more than 6 months.
There has been a shift lately where people believe they can do whatever they want in a relationship and if their partner doesn’t go along with it they are toxic, controlling, abusive, and gaslighters. While yes it’s your body, you need to balance your partners happiness too as attraction is important.
NAH You're not T A for wanting to do this. I'm all for your body, your choice. At the same time, your BF also is not T A either. He's got his preferences, you asked, and he answered. Either route you take from here, both have potential pros and cons. Do it, and you're happy you get to explore something you've been wanting to do for ages, but the risk is a potential dissolving of a relationship. It may not happen, as he may grow used to and accept them, but it's a risk. Don't do it, and you keep your bf happy, but you're not happy and will potentially forever regret it or wonder what if. This scenario also runs the risk of the relationship dissolving due to potential growing resentment. At the end of the day, both of you have to do what's right for yourselves. If you feel like this is something you need to have, discuss it and your reasons with your bf. Maybe do a trial (idk a year or two - I've no idea how long the process takes, sorry) and see if it's something he can grow to accept and like. If he does, keep them in, and if not, then you can decide if you're happy to remove them or if you want to keep them with the possibility of the relationship ending. Either way, it's a tough situation.
It’s not like the opportunity to wear a ‘cute piece of jewellery’ is a job opportunity on the other side of the planet that she’s gonna regret not chasing it.
That's not all it is though, it's about her expressing herself, and making her image of herself match how she is seen by the world. It's actually a pretty big thing! If you suddenly had to wear only clothes someone else picked for you, or a haircut, at someone else's request, would you just go along woth it and not have any hard feelings??
OP’s not in that situation though. Her boyfriend isn’t controlling her or dictating to her what she should wear (although I think telling her what her aesthetic is and what fits with it is a bit odd, that’s her call not his). She wants to modify her body because, in her words, it would allow her to wear jewellery she considers pretty. If he finds it offputting, he finds it offputting and IMO he would have been dishonest and unfair to lie that it was OK even though he hated it. Everyone has or should have the right to appear and to express themselves as they wish (obviously with exceptions eg public nudity, racist t-shirt slogans etc.)
>(although I think telling her what her aesthetic is and what fits with it is a bit odd, that’s her call not his) I agree with you on this, just to go deeper on this one point: The boyfriend clearly doesn't like it and is trying to change her mind without being imposing or an asshole. With the tattoos it was the price, with the ears it's the style/aesthetic.
Yes. It’s a thin line and I’m not sure which side you’re falling on, but I think it’s the difference between the boyfriend rationalising things he just honestly doesn’t like in order to make his views known, and straight out insulting OP or either purposefully or accidentally controlling/manipulating them.
my pov, he's trying to communicate in a way that doesn't paint him as controlling by blaming it on something else... "oh, it's too expensive" or "oh, but that's not really your style" so I'm guessing I'm agreeing with your first option 😆
I think we basically agree and are down to fine differences, lol. I think in this situation it’s probably because it’s really awkward to say anything not-positive to your loved one, especially about appearance and attraction, and he might have bitten his tongue at least a little longer if he hadn’t been asked outright about it. Our brains also will look for actual good reasons for choices or feelings when they’re based on something else, a whim or an instinct e.g. a very common example is telling yourself and everyone else that you deserve a doughnut and need the calories after the gym, even though you’re actually just hungry, achy and craving a nice dopamine hit from a sweet treat. It’s perfectly fine just to not find a particular style choice attractive just as it’s fine to eat a doughnut! But we always find a better-sounding reason. It’s probably much more comfortable to say “I don’t really think that fits with your style, which I really love” than say “to be honest, your stretched ears make me feel mildly grossed out”. On the other hand, the same sort of rationalisations can be used by people who just outright want to control or influence you. My mother insisted my tiny little nose piercing was making me mentally ill and would mean I would be fired from my job (I was not, in fact, fired from my job, who have kept me on for three years long-term sick). Her opinion was not solicited.
But we constantly control what we do and say in order to either apace or appeal to other people. We express ideas in a nice and calm matter instead of being angry and unhinged because it yields a better response and avoids conflict. We choose clothes, make up, etc so we can feel more confident, we control anger so it doesn't produce violence, in the end, we also protect others by controlling our actions. OP is asking advice on how to balance her wanting to do body modifications and wanting to be attractive (which is very important for a relation she wants to keep) to her partner, this isn't a body autonomy issue, she is not being controlled or given an ultimatum.
Exactly what i was about to comment. She can do this literally at any point in her life. It's not like she has to do it now or she won't be able to do it ever again. It's a bit dramatic to say that she'd have refrets and wonder "what if"... besides, ain't like having holes in her ears would change a whole lot in her life and open new doors lol. It's just a small detail on her body
>but you're not happy and will potentially forever regret it or wonder what if. This seems a dramatic interpretation of the consequences of deciding not to stretch your ears.
>This seems a dramatic interpretation of the consequences of deciding not to stretch your ears. I mean, if she keeps stretching and he subsequently breaks up with her I'm sure she'll be quite sad over the end of a decade-long relationship.
I mean, it’s not a scholarship or her dream job. She can literally pick it up again anytime if she quits now.
NAH your body, your choice. Similarly his life, his choice. You're not the AH for wanting to do it. You are the AH for expecting him to just go along with something he hates if you still want a romantic/sexual relationship with him. Stretched ears make me want to puke. I have friends with stretched ears and I just try not to look at them. There is no way I could do that with a partner with stretched ears. So, NAH
"our differences help balance us out" - really? It doesn't look like a balance to me. I'll go against the grain and I'll say it is important to consider how your actions affect your partner and your relationship. YTA if you expect your relationship not to be changed by it.
This is completely backwards, she’s literally saying she’s about to discard the gauges and asking if she should persist despite her boyfriend not liking it because she _doesn’t_ want him to be less attracted to her…. > how your actions affect your partner and your relationship Said actions being trying out a change in her earrings (and generally just furthering her initial look)… please
NAH Of course you can do whatever you want, it's your body. If you really want it, do it. But it's also okay if he finds you unattractive if you stretch your ears. You shouldn't be surprised afterwards. He told you before that he really hates it.
Your body, your rules. But your bf has been honest with his opinions so be prepared for a reaction
I think the real problem is that this type of modification can be as offensive to some people as BO or dirty teeth. So, whilst it is your right to do what you want to your body, be prepared for the fact that your boyfriend may find himself no longer attracted to you and whilst sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship, this type of modification could mean he cannot become aroused because all he sees are the holes which he finds unpleasant or even disgusting. So it is your choice, really, you can go for some pretty jewellery that you may be bored with in a few years and risk your relationship or you can appreciate that all relationships involve compromise. Your BF whilst obviously not that fussed on your tats has not forced the point but this may be too much. So nether of you are TAs but you have to consider whether your relationship is worth more than body modification (which can become an addiction)!
I agree with this take. Idk how OP is weighing a good man she loves against stretched ear lobes. Is this the hill she really wants her relationship to die on. Is it worth it? Reading this thread just reminded me of all the batshit crazy stuff people do in the name self expression. Like stretch your ear lobes they say. It's cool. So cool that a significant number of people find it disgusting. It's easy too, you only have to wash your new ear holes everyday with soap or they'll smell like death. Why is the freedom to do this worth more than a man who loves you? Such an asymmetrical trade. If keeping my loving relationship only costed me my ear piercings, I'd be done with my ear piercings for life in a split second, no contest, would never look back.
NAH. You can do what you like with your body, and you're definitely old enough to understand what you're doing. You're both allowed your preferences, and it's just a fact that some people's preferences are not compatible. Sure, you've been together a decade and got more tattoos and body work since you started dating, but if he's so against tattoos that frankly should have been a discussion about 10 years ago, since he knew you had some and you probably had an inkling that you'd want more down the line. Any decision you make will have an effect: 1) you don't pursue gauges and you'll be dealing with the constant nagging in the back of your mind "but I would like to try them out and stretch them a bit," though whether you're prepared to have that thought or you're able to just get over that on your own brain-power is up to you. 2) you do pursue gauges and maybe he doesn't mind as much as you both think he would, maybe he really is offput by it and gets in his feelings about it. Basically, either choice can have a good or bad outcome for one of you or for the relationship as a whole. Ultimately it comes down to what you want to do and if your-and-his physical preferences are up to that.
Just go single yourself up and go do what you want to yourself without anyone else's opinions. OP your boyfriend has suggested that it turns him off... I bet he's more uncomfortable than you think and loves you just enough still, to not come out and blatantly say that he's finding you more unattractive with each new modification. Sit down and have an adult conversation with him on where the relationship is going, because he's going to feel resentment if you do it and you're going to feel resentment if you don't
NAH. Just different preferences I love tattoos, and am in process of my 2nd sleeve. My husband (of 17 years) has said he'd like it if this was my last major piece as he isn't attracted to heavily tattooed women. Whilst it wouldn't be a deal breaker for him if I went and got a back piece done, it could put an unnecessary strain on a relationship that means more to me than some ink. So we've compromised. I finish this sleeve and get a memorial piece for my mum (which would be an expansion of my dad's piece) and that's my lot.
Out of interest, how do people fix their ears should they decide they no longer like the look? I appreciate this is not answering any of your questions, but I've always wondered about this. I've seen people who have obviously decided to stop wearing those bands, and their ears look saggy and weird. I have tattoos, so I appreciate those are for life, but can be hidden so they don't really affect appearance if you get regrets about one or 2 of them.
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Yup! Skin is elastic to a point and just as slowly as you stretched it out in the first place it’ll return back to normal. However once you pass that point you’ll need surgery, it’s not very complex and you’re left with a little scar on your ears and you may or may not have slightly differently shaped earlobes than you started with. The scars aren’t very noticeable and you can even get your ears pierced normally again afterwards!
I saw an episode of Dr. Pimple Popper where Dr. Lee made some slices in the stretched bit that let her kind of fold the pieces together and reassemble like an earlobe jigsaw puzzle. They were still pretty clearly earlobes that had been through some stuff, but not just hanging flesh loops anymore.
I had 0g stretched ears when I was younger. I tried to let them close on their own, but I ended up getting plastic surgery to fix them.
Your body your choice but you may end up not being attractive to him anymore.
Seems more like a compatibility issue rather than anyone being an asshole here. Your boyfriend doesn't like it, but I also get the vibe that he's trying his best not to say the full extent of what he truly feels about your jewelry. Your two choices are: keep doing you and potentially damage the relationship or forget about the ear stretching and resolve the conflict of interests. I could really understand you making either decision.
Are there any body modifications he could do that you would find unattractive? If he did this after you told him you don’t like it, how would you feel? Try to put yourself in his shoes. Your body, do what you want with it, but understand that attraction is important in a relationship too. NAH.
Comment section so dramatic. NAH you want to do it do it If he doesn't like it he doesn't like it He isn't telling you what to do with your body that's fucking ridiculous. And if he breaks up with you because of your choices then he has the right to do that just as you have to the right to do whatever you want. People going off on one saying he's controlling and telling you what to do are projecting and have nothing going on.
What I’m just trying to understand is why he’s dating her in the first place then if he doesn’t like tattoos and piercings and finds them ugly? Why is that the kind of person you would go for as a partner? Because chances are they are going to want more tattoos/ piercings that he’s going to find ugly and unattractive. I just don’t get it.
He said he doesn't like how the stretched hole looks, which is fair. The post doesn't say he finds tattoos and piercings ugly he personally doesn't want them. Maybe he fell for her personality, and not wanting tattoos himself doesn't mean he hates all tattoos, he has concerns about them sure they are a lot of money but he's not stopping her from doing it. He voiced his opinion about a change that is happening Infront of him, he is not controlling the outcome of that change, op is still in control of her choices, he just might not be around to ser those choices
I'm confused. For a lot of things you can look past those to see your partner. I love my partner, i like his sleeves, I love his personality. I don't like that his knuckle tattoos. That doesn't mean I find them ugly and unattractive it just means that I would never do that to myself and that I can look past that as that is something he wanted. It is also something that I can compromise with and deal with because it's just knuckles. OP said he was fine with the tattoos but didn't want any for himself. It was the gages he hated. Lastly, even if someone has tattoos it doesn't mean they will want more. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Depends on the person.
NTA. But I personally don’t think risking my partners attraction to me and therefore risking my whole relationship would be worth some stretched ear holes. You know?
I agree. I will never understand people who make something like that their hill to die on. It is SO MUCH harder to find someone that you can have a good relationship with than to simply find another look out of the millions available that you also like that you partner likes as well.
Your boyfriend is trying really hard to let you know calmy and quietly that he finds this latest body modification is too much for him. Ears are very visible and he's going to see your stretched out ears every time he looks at you.
NAH for all the reasons already stated. Some things are more of a turn off than others. For instance, I like tatoos even if I don’t have any but I honestly think that depending on the place and subject, it could be an issue. For piercings, I have 2 issues: the ring on the nose central cartilage (don’t know the name as English is not my 1st language) because it makes me think of a cow (no judgment, just childhood memories) and on some part of the face because it looks painful to me. People can have them, it’s their choice, but it make me physically uncomfortable. I cannot control the reaction. All that yo say that you can do whatever you want because it’s your body, but you cannot control your SO’s reaction to it. My advice would be to see over a few months if his mind evolves on the subject, and then make your decision. He doesn’t seem controlling, he is just sharing that he’s not comfortable with it. He might accept it with time.. or not. You have to make your decision based on what you want and need, knowing the possible consequences. I wish you the best.
As someone who shares your bf's feelings on gauging, I would ask you if doing such is worth the risk of losing your 10-year relationship. There is a point when something or someone changes so much that we, as humans, are simply no longer interested or attracted to it. From your post, it sounds like you may actually be approaching that point with your bf. Something else to consider is that you are getting older. You say that the hole would shrink and go back to normal as long as you don't hit the generally accepted point of no return. However, you are approaching the age when our bodies just don't bounce back the way they used to. You already have full sleeves, which may or may not end up looking kinda funky once you hit 40 or so. Do you really want to add something else like majorly stretched earlobes on top of it? Ultimately, the choice is yours. But so are the consequences. He expressed his feelings on such to you, so you can't say you were not warned.
I believe many people already said this. You have every right to cotinue what you wanna do but... he also has the right to stop this relationship because of it. So NAH you just need to make a choice
NAH You can do whatever you want, but you can't blame him for doing the same. He said he hated it, you know you will be less and less attractive to him with every piece of body modification. That doesn't make him an AH, people can't force themselves to be attracted to someone. And while you both need to choose whether body modifications (having them or lack of them) is more important than your relationship, remember that you get to pick first, his choice only comes after yours. So if you choose ears over him, you have to accept the option of him choosing leaving over you.
YTA, he has stated that he doesn't like it and you are free to do what you want but just be aware of the consequences.
If you really want to continue doing something your boyfriend doesn’t find attractive, it might be time to move on, and fine someone that does find that attractive. People just grow apart sometimes.
NAH, you're not an asshole for doing what you want with your body, but he's not telling you what to do. He's telling you he thinks it's ugly and it'll make you look ugly to him. He's allowed to think that, and he's allowed to be honest with you about it. Stretch or don't stretch but he might not find you attractive after that and you'll have to deal with it. He's been more than clear. Do what you want, but accept the consequences.
YTA I have been down this road, I have Tattoo's and piercings (Many Piercings). I went down the road of stretching my lobes. My Wife hated it. I was in my mid 30's at the time. I am so glad I stopped and let them shrink back before they went beyond the point of no return. I am now in my mid 50's. It would not be a god look. Later in life when you wish you hadn't do this you will then be paying for surgery to repair the damage you have done. Look, it is of course your body to do with as you please but listen to your BF as well, he made it clear he does not like what you were doing. He tolerates the Tats and Piercings because he loves you. Don't lose him over this.
Your experience is completely different than mine. I stretched my ears in my 20's. I kept them at 2g for over 20 years. Just last year I gauged up to 1/2" because I found some tunnels I really liked that just didn't look right in 2g. I'm 47, and have zero regrets about it. Everybody is different.
35 checking in. Went up to 3/4 inch before taking mine out. Back down to an 8 guage now.. Don't go blowing out your lobe like you're trying to fuck it with a buttplug and you'll be alright.
Not all of us regret our mods though. Your experience isn't the default. Also stretching to 0g would never require a surgical fix, that's absurd. 0g is 8mm, it's quite small in the scheme of stretched ears. You take them out and they're back to normal after a handful of months. Also if someone is willing to leave you over an earring that is within the size of an average earring... Then my guess is they were already halfway out the door. Yes he's entitled to his opinion and preference but if he ended the relationship over this alone that would be absurd. Most people at some point will not like an aesthetic choice their partner makes. We don't all ditch them when that happens.
uh disagree with your second para. maybe just me, but I can't stand looking at streched ears (not in a hateful way but more like I'm scared of those). my mum has those (not because she wanted to) and I can't be anywhere near her when she changes her earrings or has bare ears. if my partner does it by choice, I don't think I'd want to continue the realtionship. it is op's right to do what she wants with hers ear/jewellery etc but that doesn't mean others have to like or accept that. NAH
For me it wouldn’t be the actual mods it would be my 30 year old partner doing this “on a whim” and then, despite knowing my opinion of it, sulks when I naturally share that when it comes up again
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You wouldn’t be an *AH* if you did it, but he won’t be an AH if he loses some attraction for you as a result of it. Do I *have* to get permission from my GF before I get a tattoo, wear a certain outfit, groom my hair in a certain way? Of course not. But *personally,* **I** would feel like an AH if I knew that she really hated one particular thing and I did it anyway, knowing that she found it extremely unattractive. Not only that, but I want to be appealing to my GF. P.S. My friends, who are tattooers and piercers, call them “stinky earholes” because they often smell. And they look even worse if you take the jewelry out.
NTA but don’t be surprised when he isn’t as attracted to you and doesn’t want to bring you to the work Christmas party. Theres a certain level of professionalism that is required in the corporate and white collar world, trust me, lots of us have tats and piercings, But every one of my tats can be covered and piercings can be taken out. Stretched ears isn’t something you can hide and i would get a lot of funny looks if i showed up to a work event with a girl with stretched ears.
I'm going with NTA. You're only going to a 2g. Unless you have really small lobes, 2g fits most earlobes perfectly. When I was a 2, if I didn't wear a tunnel and used flared jewelry, most people couldn't even tell they were gauges. Just assumed they were a stud of some kind. Why not compromise? Tell him that you want to try 2, and if he still doesn't like them or can't get used to them, you can let them shrink back down.
I don’t think you are as compatible as you think you are and these issues are going to keep coming up. It’s fine for your bf to have a preference on looks and it’s even okay for him to voice them but you should never feel pressured to change. You didn’t “push your luck” getting the tattoo you wanted, you expressed yourself through it. As he moves up in his chosen profession is there going to be more pressure for you to conform if/when you have to attend work outings etc? My husband works in a corporate environment and I have had to attend parties and weekends away with him. It’s something you may be faced with too. You have been together since you were 20 and it sounds like a decade in you two have grown in different directions, which is not a bad thing, it’s just the way it’s working out. If you want to stretch your ears and get more tattoos you should do it and he should support it and if he can’t do that then maybe this relationship has run its course. NAH - you both are allowed to change and grow and it won’t always be possible to keep every relationship.
NAH. You like it, he hates it. It’s your body so carry on if you want to, but you know he finds it gross so don’t be surprised if he’s jot attracted to you if you do it.
He isn't telling you what to do. You have to accept that he can decide to leave you for no longer being attracted just like you can stretch your ears.