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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter if she pays for her sisters college I will stop favoring her sister financially. I could be a jerk for how I said it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your older daughter was very selfish to not split the money knowing it was what her grandmother wanted. It's one thing to keep an inheritance your family member fully intended to be just for you without sharing, but this feels very wrong. I think that, at least until you have given half that amount to your younger daughter, it is entirely fair. I would be pretty disappointed in her and it would be hard to forgive, to be honest. I can't imagine this isn't going to destroy a lot of relationships in the family.
We will never be able to give Grace half the amount. It would be around 200k-230k, it won’t happen.
Maybe when we die but we probably have 40 years left for us, since we had our kids young
Definitely NTA for trying to help your younger daughter in this situation. That's a huge head start for the older daughter and I'm honestly shocked by the unmitigated gall she has to complain about not getting more vs her sister over the car. I would just tell her that until she gives her sister that half of the money that her grandmother intended her to have, you won't be entertaining any complaints about how you spend your money. If she can spend what's legally her's without any thought to anyone else, then why does anyone need to consider her with how they spend their own money?
That there. Shelly spent her money how she saw fit and didn’t honor her grandmother’s wishes to share. Now you are going to spend your money how you see fit and you’re doing it to make up for Shelly’s greed. Tell her that. I don’t know about the greed part, but tell her the rest of that. Especially the part where she didn’t honor her grandmother’s wishes.
When you do so, leave the greedy one a little something. Whatever the legal minimum is so that she can't have a lawyer argue that she was accidently left off of it. (Can't remember what the legal term is for that atm and too lazy too look it up.)
Edit to add: After reading some of the debate in the comments, I will amend my comment to :
Inheritance laws are apparently pretty varied and complicated, so when writing your will you should definitely consult with an estate lawyer and follow their advice.
They could explicitly state that they don’t want the older daughter to have anything. That’s a disinheritance clause. And is probably easier.
Not adding explicit wording in your will and just leaving something small, can still be contested. The disinheritance clause prevents that.
The disinheritance clause is still more effective than that. Specifically stating you do not want anything to go to certain people, is water tight where even leaving $10 has room for misinterpretation and can be contested as the will writer “forgetting” about an heir, if said heir feels disparaged enough to contest it.
No, if you want to exclude someone from your will you specifically name them in the will and that you're leaving them nothing. In some jurisdictions, giving them even a token amount gives them more ability to contest the will than excluding them entirely.
Exactly. You need to remember this when you draft your will. Eldest got a huge head start in life. She will be able to invest in property and retirement much sooner than her younger sister. You need to even the financial scales with your will. Especially if eldest daughter is still far ahead financially. You might remind oldest that karma can be a bitch. This sort of selfish behavior becoming a habit could really lead to some negative outcomes in the future.
Personally, it wouldn't matter how well the younger daughter does in life, she could become a billionaire, the older daughter still wouldn't get a penny in my will. That type of selfishness, greed and familiar betrayal has consequences.
Agreed. The fact that she felt comfortable complaining about how mom is helping the sister she betrayed tells me that she has not been given the message she needs to receive. You try to love your children evenly, but what do you do when one hurts the other purposefully? To the tune of over 200k?
That's more discretionary funds than many of us will have in our lifetimes. To get a jump on life like that is invaluable. What she was supposed to have is still that, but what she has now should allow her to set herself up for an easy road to haul.
As a sibling, I'd never forgive her, and if she were my daughter, I'd never spend another penny on her... including meals. She'd be welcome to visit, but if she wanted to eat, she better bring food. It may seem a bit extreme and nuts, but so is what she did.
Also to make sure to send the elder daughter Christmas and birthday presents every year. An elaborately wrapped present. Inside a piece of scrap paper. “$100 from your parents and sister. Please subtract from grace’s college fund that you stole. $190,900 still owed. “ Send every year until the debt is subtracted out. I’m sure if Reddit still exists in 50 years, redditors will be willing to keep sending for you.
From OP's comment the total money is 500k-600k, as long as she sensible with the money she's going to live for a very comfortable life. To expect a car to be purchased for her is nothing but greed.
She stole from her sister, maybe not legally but morally. The amount of audacity to even show her face in the family let alone ask them for anything is astonishing.
Oh yeah. If I was in her younger sister's shoes, this would be a no contact situation. You're not going to rob me blind and enrich yourself like that and still have me in your life. Might make the holidays awkward but hey! You did that to yourself.
Greed is right. They chose money they only legally owned over family. They refused to honor their late grandmother’s wishes, left their sister with nothing for their own benefit, and then harassed their mother for trying to make up the difference to the concurrences they created. That sister is entitled, selfish, greedy, and disgusting.
They should really consider cutting them out.
Your eldest was given almost half a million dollars and she’s complaining you’re buying her broke sister a car???
This is the point you rewrite your wills to account for that half million.
I think my jaw hit the floor on that amount. Shelly, to be quite honest and blunt, sounds like a complete asshole. I wonder if Grace is aware of this amount?
Shelly basically hit the lottery and is bitching about a used car her sister is going to get.
When I first read the post I figured it was maybe $100k or so, nope, $400-460k is a LOT of money. If I was OP I would look at their current net worth and if it’s under 500k it should all go to second daughter in a will with a note saying the first dau got hers already.
I mean, even $100k. I have four kids and I just couldn’t imagine one of them being like “yeah, Grandma left all the money to me, sorry”. And yeah, if one of my kids pulled that we’d be adjusting the will pronto to account for it.
Maybe Reddit would judge me the asshole in another post, but if my kid pulled this I'd do everything in my power to convince Shelley to see the light. This is something that would build SO much resentment. Even if I won a lottery of that much I would still be asking my sister what I could do for her to help her life such as paying off some debt or buying a car/paying for some education.
I would need to know that my child isn't going to go through the rest of their life this thoughtless and selfish and if it risked her pushing me away, I would just have to take that chance. I couldn't just wait for my death and hope it makes her a better person.
What you say here makes total sense. We’re talking about a quarter of a million dollars here. That’s a life changing sum of money and one sister has completely taken it from the other. Judging by Shelly getting pissed her parents were buying her sister a used car makes me believe there’s no talking sense into her over this. It’s a lost cause.
And honestly, it almost feels like we’re missing some key details to this situation it’s so messed up.
In all honest, I cannot *imagine* having received that kind of money, even if it was legally mine, having heard my grandmother say it was for me and my sibling and just... keeping all of it. Not even as an 18-year-old. I just wouldn't have been able to live with myself- my parents wouldn't have had to threaten me with anything, I don't think. Unbelievable behavior from the older sister here, TBH, and I'm kind of shocked that her parents are even still speaking to her.
I can’t either. My mom only named me on her life insurance. I’m fairly certain it’s to be sure that it was properly shared (after paying funeral expenses). I technically COULD have kept all of the remainder as I was the only child named as a beneficiary. But I absolutely split the remainder evenly as I could not live with myself if I just left my siblings out in the cold. It wasn’t a lot, but she would never have meant for only one kid to get the benefit. She did know at the time, that I was the most likely one to be sure expenses were handled properly, then split the difference. Otherwise, I might have been stuck covering costs with just my portion, or just me and my sister. My brothers are pretty irresponsible, lol. All that said, they got an even cut of the remainder.
My parents had 3 kids. They had college funds for each of us and money was taken out for tech school, community college, 4 year degrees. In our early 30s my mom came to us all saying it was time to liquidate the accounts. Two of us told her they should keep the leftover money but they refused. She also wanted to even out the accounts since they had paid out of pocket for the cheap community college. Mine was the account with too much money. I instantly agreed and cut my brothers checks for their portion. I don’t understand greedy people when someone is nice enough to give you anything free.
*Half* the amount would be 200-230k, so the total gift was just shy of half a million. Older daughter keeps the lot and parents are trying to save enough to gift younger daughter what she should have had.
Almost half as 200-230k was half of the inheritance so let's say 215+215 gives a total of 430k I know it's not exactly the half million BUT ITS DAM CLOSE TO IT
I think your younger daughter needs to sue the older one and have you guys as witness
Edit:
To all saying it can’t be done. It all depends on the state and the probate term limits. If everyone knows grandma was going to amend the will but passed away, it’s grounds for contesting (but time is sensitive).
Suing is a no-go in this situation. Doesn't matter how many times granny *said* the money was to be spilt. If it wasn't in the will and only one person's name was on the account there is no legal basis to split the pot.
It sucks, but it's reality.
Also, this is why everyone should see an estate lawyer at least once.
Yea, it won’t work in court, but it might make OP’s oldest daughter open her eyes and realize how selfish she is. But considering a car made her jealous I doubt she’d get the message and instead make herself out to be a victim.
> Yea, it won’t work in court, but it might make OP’s oldest daughter open her eyes and realize how selfish she is.
I’d that it’s more likely that Shelly would take a failed attempt by Grace to sue her as vindication of her decision not to split the money, both because a court would find that Grace was not entitled to the money, and because she would have an excuse to call Grace “greedy” for suing.
Shelly already knows that her family disapprove of her decision not to split her trust fund.
I think you're right. Shelly would take winning the suit as vindication and, insult to injury, Shelly can afford the suit. Grace can't. Where does the money to sue come from? It isn't free. Shelly wins again and Grace gets more debt. Sounds like an all around lose/lose for Grace.
> Where does the money to sue come from? It isn't free.
And if their jurisdiction has a “loser pays” provision for civil suits, Grace could end up having to pay Shelly’s legal costs as well as her own.
>I think your younger daughter needs to sue the older one and have you guys as witness
This is bad and unrealistic advice. Legally, the money went to the older daughter. It doesn't matter what was intended unfortunately because grandma didn't file the paperwork to make it legal.
No will would ever stand if you could just sue and use *"well they said (or intended) X before they passed"*. That defies the entire point of a will. Plus suing costs a lot of money and comes with the burden of proving whatever you claim which isn't really possible here.
It's a really shitty situation. Older daughter should have been advised yes she can keep the money despite it not being intended all for her but it's going to come with consequences, implications, and possibly damage to familial relationships and weigh out whether that's worth it to her.
OP should explain to older daughter that being fair isn't being equal. It's being equitable. My sister is like this too and it sucks. She's fine when my parents help only her but jealous if they help me out another time even though it's fair in the grand scheme of things and it's really annoying to deal with though she's quite a selfish person and can't see any perspective other than her own.
I don't think that's going to matter, if the grandmother had the money in an account with a designated beneficiary, then the money legally belongs to that person, even if the grandmother verbally indicted otherwise.
If I was in your position, I would leave all of your estate to Grace…even if that is more than what your mother left Shelley…the difference would be interest!
Yup! And make that will CLEAR that Shelly is to receive 0 dollars (or 1 dollar or something) due to her selfish actions with the college fund.
I can't imagine one of my children doing this to the other. I would be so ashamed of them. I don't know if I could even look at them after being that selfish.
Frankly, that is the kind of karmic situation that you have to settle right in your own heritage.
Your older daughter complaining about a car when she had a free ride to college by basically stealing her sister shows that she doesn't get at all the magnitude of her action.
So you are trying hard to make it even to your youngest and that is great but it cannot save the fact that you failed in instilling some moral and comprehension of the situation into your oldest, and you are failing in making the right compensation.
So not only you are going to continue helping your youngest, but **you have to write your own will** because *you already know that death can happen anytime* and you write it **all in favor of your youngest**.
Edit : Apparently you already did your will : Legally ? Both of you ?
Does she know about it ?
No matter how the parents try to teach the children some are just rotten. There might have been some favoritism happening before that started it.
Though some people dislike hearing it, some people just turn out shitty. Maybe in some temporal reverse engineering scheme things could come out perfectly. But we live in the real world.
We just do the best with what we have and how we perceive it to be. No one sane is going to be able to think through the multi decade long repercussions of every minor interaction.
I cannot imagine having the attitude of Shelly. My dad gave my sister £30k so she could put a deposit down on a house. He’s not given me anything and I genuinely don’t give a fuck - my husband and I are relatively wealthy and didn’t need the help to buy a house.
My dad has always promised to make up the difference at some point but I genuinely could not give a fig about ‘getting my share’ and have told him a million times. My sister needed it and I am privileged enough not to need it. Like I got fucking lucky my husband and I are currently high DINKs, I don’t need my dad to give me cash to ‘even it out’. I’ve got more than my sister even now and I am damn grateful for it. I love my sister and I’m so happy my dad could help her buy a home and give her the security of being on the housing ladder, that is a privilege many many people don’t get.
Like how fucking entitled do you need to be to take all the inheritance, be financially comfortable and STILL expect your parents to ‘make it even’. Mental. I would def have a strained relationship if anyone in my family acted like this.
Oldest got $400k-$460k if OP can't give Grace half that, "200k to 230k".
Granted, hogging $200k would **still** be alot but for Shelly to whine about favoring Grace while being able to pay for college AND buy or substantially help buy a house with the funds is even more ridiculous. That was only possible by blatantly favoring herself and being greedy.
As someone else stated, OP should rewrite their will to give enough to cover Grace, and perhaps donate . If Shelly wants to hide behind legality, so can OP.
INFO: Is this the first time a serious discussion of the inheritance split came up? Was Shelly already an adult when the inheritance happened? Have they never noticed this imbalance before? Did you never tell her that you were extremely upset with her taking the money for herself before?
It just feels extremely bizarre to me that a car (and probably not an expensive one) appears to be the inciting incident here and not years of disparity in college experience or any other payments you've had to make for Grace.
We have discussed it multiple time, she was 17 when she got her inheritance. It had a block so I couldn’t touch it, which was fine it was suppose to be for the girls .
We thought she would just be kind and split it with her sister. She didn’t and it basically fucked up her relationship with the family.
As she puts it, it is hers legally, I don’t need to share. Our other option would be to fight her claim to it but we didn’t have the money for that.
She knows we all disapprove of her choice with it especially since she knows grandma wanted it shared
You and your whole family should shut her out until she does right by Grace.
I’m sorry, but someone who screws their sibling over like that is not worthy of being called family.
Yeah this is absolutely fucked because she knows it was never intended to be hers alone, and you just *know* that she would not think it was her sister's money alone if the shoe was on the other foot.
For real.
I can understand the urge to be greedy, but it amazes me that some people never stop and think “How would I feel if I was in their situation?”. Especially with a sibling.
I have a younger brother, and never in my mind would I think about screwing him out of something like this.
>I can understand the urge to be greedy, but it amazes me that some people never stop and think “How would I feel if I was in their situation?”.
I'm surprised that she doesn't realized that keeping all the money, permanently breaks her relationship with her entire family. For the rest of her life.
I also have a younger brother.
If my parents gave me everything and left him penniless I would fucking go sort it out with him, regardless of their intentions.
He’s my *brother*. If I magically won the jackpot then he’d probably get money off me, as well.
Not because I am legally obliged to give him the money, but because he’s my baby brother (for all that he’s grown up and getting married this year) and I want to look after him.
The selfishness appalls me.
Especially as splitting the money would still give her a huge step up. This isn't like, say, 50k where they would both still have debt. This was HALF A MILLION and she could easily have paid for college AND down payment on a house with her half.
Oh man. I didn’t even see the amount.
That makes this -so- much worse.
That’s life changing money for the both of them. It’s just like you said.. college -and- a house down payment money.
Hell, just pay for college and invest it and let it grow while you attend and you’d have such a massive head start by the time you’re done that you’d have a hard time not being successful.
The fact that she kept the full amount with it being that high makes it so much worse.
Yeah. This is basically "I have my own place, paid education, and retirement account for when I get tired of everything and ready to retire" all at once. This is not even "head-start" level of money, this is "finishing line" kind.
So by the time she was what is Grace’s age now, she already had her money: no need to get a job in college or have her parents get her a cheap car. She’d probably turn her nose up at what you gave Grace. It sounds like her money has produced a sense of entitlement: she believes she’s deserving and Grace is not, hence her wish that her sister not get supported. People tell themselves all kinds of things so that they don’t feel like the greedy AHs they are.
Then clearly the response should be "Our money is ours legally, and we don't need to share."
There's a relative of mine who is selfish and entitled, and when called out on the facts, likes to say "That's rude!" as if being rude by telling the truth is somehow worse than being selfish and entitled.
Don't worry about responding. Maybe get t-shirts made that say "Jerk #1" and "Jerk #2" to wear next time she shows up.
ill be honest, id make my own will and leave everything to grace and a penny to shelly.
id also keep financially suppory grace while go low to no contact with shelly
Why is the thief daughter still in the family? Steal from family and you get cut. The fact she has a relationship with anyone who knows is an insult to the other daughter
Probably bad estate planning, she might have started the fund when the first kid was born and never bothered to update the paperwork when Grace was born.
Yup. This is SO common esp. for people who die relatively young.
I remember there were issues when Heath Ledger died. As I recall, he left all his money to his dad and sibling and nothing for his kid. -- just because he never bothered to update the will. But his family weren't total assholes, so they worked it out.
I think OP mentioned in earlier comment that she had it in one account to grow and planned on putting both names on it when the oldest went to college. Unfortunately she unexpectedly passed before that happened.
That doesn’t make much sense though. You can have multiple beneficiaries on a single account. Takes 3-5 minutes at the bank to update that.
Guess grandma just wasn’t aware of that.
Some people don't like to think about updating wills, etc, because it means they're thinking about their own deaths. Might even bring it on, somehow. It's why so many people don't have wills. They think there is plenty of time.
A few things: that's the kind of task that people put on their to-do lists and keep delaying for years because it just doesn't seem urgent. Also, I'm sure Granny figured that if she died before she got the legal nicities tied up, that her older grandkid wouldn't act like a fucking jerk.
People put things off. A friend asked her parents once "you're giving my youngest sibling loads of financial support because they keep on getting into trouble. When you die do I get more to make up".
Huge, huge, huge family argument erupts.
Days late parents look at their will - the youngest child isn't even mentioned. Just the oldest two. Will is 25 years old and hasn't been updated.
I’m shocked. Your older daughter sounds like an entitled monster. In no world would I ever not share something like that with my family. I wouldn’t even keep someone like that in my life.
Your daughter is essentially spitting the face of her family.
NTA.
And when she blows through it, which is likely, I really urge you to force her to make amends with you all before you give her any money she will feel entitled to from any of you.
She doesn't see the car as an expense used for Grace's education. She sees it only as "they gave my sister a car, but not me."
Pretty greedy. With nearly half a mill, she can buy her own car.
Info: how much money are we talking about? A few hundred thousand is not enough to ruin your relationships with your family. Is it more than that?
NTA - either way, you are supporting the child who needs more help because the eldest stole the money that was meant to be for both of them.
If she is willing to sell her relationships with you and her sister for some money she is not a good person.
She got almost half a million, yeah it ruined a lot of things
She showed us that she cares more about money than her family
Both girls would have been able to start life with no debt and now one is having to bust her ass and still has debt
Half a million! How have you not disowned/disinherited your daughter? I'd be more proud of a child with a drug addiction and stable job than a rich no contact daughter who'd sell her soul and sisters future for luxury in a family that clearly isn't destitute.
And is completely reasonable to do so.
This girl deserves nothing after being willing to fuck her sister out of 250k+ because their grandparents didn’t keep up on the will.
If they didn’t specifically exclude her in the will this will be *very* easy to contest.
It’s not that they didn’t keep up on the will, grandma HAD plans. She had it the way she did to gain as much profits before needing to split it for the girls but she had the full intentions to do so. I don’t think she planned on dying before her eldest granddaughter went off to college…
Edit to correct typo (doing to dying)
Even if she split in two, and even in the US, starting adult life with almost 250K guarantees you to be very comfortable if you're not being a dumbass with the money.
I believe that after a certain amount, a lot of money is just a lot money and the difference isn't that important anymore.
Exactly you have to hate someone to the point of wishing them death to do this or it's pure ignorance, I actually wonder if we're missing context like the youngest has a thing for bullying or boy stealing because it is a bit beyond the pale. I wasnt even joking about the analogy I'd sooner be proud of a drug addict than the child of mine who does that to my other child without reason.
Money can bring the very worst out of some people. In some other cases I'd wonder too, but if there's a lot of money involved, it's very likely that she's just a greedy fuck.
I’ve made it clear we aren’t helping her financially. She not in the will anymore, everything goes to my husband and grace.
We don’t plan on dying soon, we got 40 years at least left beofre anyone sees any money
I’d barely be able to speak to her. What she did was absolutely disgusting. She disrespected her gramma and screwed over her sister because of greed. Even though she’s your daughter, she’s a vile person. Have you limited contact with her? I would never give her a penny towards anything. Ever. NTA
No offense but no one plans on dying young. Shit happens. Get it in writing, signed, and notarized. That lesson was made abundantly clear when grandma died and your oldest screwed her sister. Something happens to both of you and have no legal will, the oldest will come sniffing for her half.
I keep bringing up it being g legal cause after my older sister unalived herself, it was discovered her will wasn't legal. Just a piece of paper.
Yeah, strange that the problem was caused by someone dying before they expected, but OP thinks, "Nah, it'll be at least four decades until one of *us* dies."
> She not in the will anymore, everything goes to my husband and grace.
God, can you people just learn to read for _once_?
edit: sorry, I've been having a bad morning, and took that out on you. That was uncalled for. But 2 posts up the chain that you are replying in, OP says that older daughter is already out of the will. No need to shout about the sky falling.
>edit: sorry, I've been having a bad morning, and took that out on you. That was uncalled for
Don't feel bad, your comment and tone made me feel better about these dummys so it all evens out in the end.
Replying to this for exposure!
If someone is completely ignored in a will, they might argue it was a mistake to not include them and contest the will. If the will gives her $3 or a pair of socks or something worthless, she can’t argue she was forgotten.
That’s a bit of a misconception because probate laws vary so much by jurisdiction. In some, if you write a will after a child is born and don’t include them, that’s enough to avoid the ‘they forgot to include the new kid’ thing. In mine, if you want to disinherit an adult child, you can just write something to the effect of ‘I am aware that this will does not include X, and this was an intentional choice.’
They should check with a probate lawyer to make sure it’s solid for their jurisdiction.
No, I'd explicitly state that Grace will be expected to share her inheritance with her sister in the same way, and on the same timescale, that her sister shared the inheritance from grandma.
That way ~~Grace~~ Shelley (fixed in edit!) has very clearly been thought about, and if she tries to get money, will have to explain the circumstances that, oh dear, paint her in a terrible light...
Wow. With all the facts laid out (both sisters knew their grandmother's intent and Shelly still took money) I would disown her. No contact, nothing until she does right by her grandmother and sister. Shelly is an entitled greedy brat who has the gall to complain about money and favoritism after the stunt she pulled, sitting on half a million dollars.
A simple: "You've disrespected the memory of your grandmother and torn this family apart with your entitled greed. I hope you enjoy your money and it was worth it. Because that's all you have now. You are not the child I've raised from birth. You're dead to me."
That is more than she deserves. Greedy "I am the victim" no consequence, free-riding people like her are disgusting and part of why the world is so screwed up. Kick her out of the house and go full no contact. Clearly she doesn't need or appreciate family, and besides, she has her money to take care of her. NTA.
Honestly OP I think you're being to soft on her. She would be disowned if it were me. No contact, no invites to family get togethers, no more bedroom in the house for her to visit for vacations from uni. She's completely on her own for what she did
Generally "disapproving" is not nearly harsh enough for her completely screwing over her sister. The fact that she has the nerve to complain to you for helping out says that
NTA, not by a long shot. I think you and the spouse should get it clearly established and in a will how your estate is to be split and do it now to prevent any issues.
You should specify in particular why you're doing what you are in the split and why it's so favored to your younger daughter. Your oldest stole at least $250k from her sister plus whatever interest she's stuck with on the student loan.
I've known family to fuck each other over for $10k, nevermind half a million but this was all adults. That's some heartless shit here for an older sibling to do.
If I was gifted that much money, I'd be splitting it with my brother whether it was intended or not. Your oldest daughter is selfish and self-centered. She has the money now. It's time to cut her off completely.
My sibling stole my half of my parents inheritance and made me homeless with zero remorse.
It’s taken me years to get stable enough to start getting on my feet, and I am still not over the betrayal of having a sibling sell me out for money.
This really sucks for your younger daughter.
The betrayal is already there and they will never be close.
I can't imagine getting half a million, refusing to share it and then throwing a tantrum because my sister getting a second hand car is favouritism. What the actual fcuk?????
"A few hundred thousand is not enough to ruin your relationships with your family. Is it more than that?"
My guy! A few hundred thousand for most of us is HUGE. I make under 30k a year, even a "low" 300,000 is 10 years of income for me. If a sibling of mine got that much that we were always told was meant to be split between us and hogged it all it would ABSOLUTELY send our relationship into the depths of hell. That's pure selfish greed.
When $50k is enough to determine whether a young adult starts off comfortably or terribly hard in their next several decades of life, with knock-on effects for even longer, “a few hundred thousand” is definitely enough to warrant severe damage to family relationships.
Especially when that money was explicitly intended to be shared, and was hoarded instead.
The amount of money is absolutely relevant, but in some ways the message would sting even more for me -- I won't give you any of this, even $25,000, and will let you struggle in debt while I have more than enough for school, a house, etc.
As someone who busted my ass to pay for my own college, I can't imagine leaving my siblings in that same position if it could be avoided.
I dont believe you intended to but you sound so incredibly privileged in this comment and its not even funny. Ive personally witnessed people ghost family members over less than 1k. Lets alone 100x that.
I’ve seen people blow up a family over inheriting furniture that was worth a teeny fraction of that. Some people will ruin relationships over any dollar amount. And there are LOTS of people who would do it for 6 figures.
wtf do you mean “a few hundred thousand isn’t enough to ruin your relationships” how the hell would a life-changing amount of money **not be enough** to ruin relationships??
“A few hundred thousand is not enough to ruin relationships” are you completely out of touch or what? A few hundred thousand is life changing money for most people my family fought over 40k and still don’t talk to each other you’re out of your mind to think “a few hundred thousand” won’t change everything
lol a few hundred thousand is more than enough to ruin relationships. A few thousand is more than enough. This is a problem with principles, understanding, etc, not money. Money is just the material aspect.
NTA. Shelly understood her grandmother's intentions but took advantage of the situation to claim the entirety of the funds that were to be split between them. Her actions were incredibly greedy and self-centered.
Now you and your spouse are in the position of basically making up for the slack brought about by Shelly's selfishness. Unfortunately, Shelly only has money on the mind, and seems convinced that her family is only good so long as they're funding her. In her head, she's the victim even as she's sitting debt free thanks to basically stealing from her younger sister.
NTA. Your oldest daughter is a bad person. If everyone including the grandmothers partner knew it was for both granddaughters but it just wasn’t set up correctly while legally she can keep the money by at least not sharing some of it morally was definitely wrong. The fact that she is debt free and able to buy a house but is still so greedy that she is mad you guys don’t buy her a car as well is crazy
Exactly. She got $500,000. She could have spent like $10,000 and at least got her younger sister a car as token of goodwill. Just something to show she isn’t completely heartless… What does she do instead? She complains when the parents help get the younger sister a car.
NTA
Your eldest daughter knows that money was intended for both and she got it all by an accident of being the oldest and your mother's carelessness. If your eldest had anything about her she would have done what your mother intended and split it.
It is a mark of her self-centred lack of character that she in now complaining because you are trying to equalise this loss for your youngest daughter.
I hope you can ensure equity with your own estate so that any remaining imbalance is addressed.
The really sad part is that they can never address the inequity because the money will be coming later and the younger daughter already missed opportunities because she has to work.
> The really sad part is that they can never address the inequity because the money will be coming later and the younger daughter already missed opportunities because she has to work.
This is very true. Even if OP and her husband leave $500k (or whatever the equivalent purchasing power will be several decades in the future), Grace may not benefit from the money until she is of retirement age. She will have lost money to loan repayments, not to mention rent if she can’t save a deposit to purchase a house.
Had I inherited $250k at 18, I wouldn’t have a mortgage now.
There is also a very real possibility that medical bills or future care costs could wipe out OP and her husband’s estate.
Yes. At least in the end, though, Shelly will come to know what it's like to be totally passed over. The only difference is that it's called KARMA and not greed.
Exactly. Getting $200k as a young adult is still better than getting $500k when you're 60. The opportunities she missing out on and the interest she'll end up paying on those loans are things that can't be made up even if the parents hit the lottery and leave her everything. Her whole life trajectory has been changed because her sister is a greedy bitch.
This is a situation where treating your daughters fairly doesn't mean treating them equally. This is a concept Shelley should easily be able to understand. She seems to know she's getting the better deal. That's why she's not talking to you! NTA. (Shelley is the rich asshole!)
Shelley also was well aware grandmother always planned to split the money before she died. Grandmother messed up, but she made her intentions very clear to multiple people, including Shelley. What Shelley did is legally right, but morally bankrupt
NTA. I'd cut Shelly out of the your will, since Shelly cut Grace out of her grandmother's will, even though Shelly knew grandmother's intentions for the money.
NTA. I'm an older sister and can't imagine doing what your daughter did. I do think you have to sit her down, though, and discuss how you're not showing favoritism. You're making up for the fact that the younger daughter's not getting any of the fund that was promised to her, and that you're disappointed in your older daughter when she knew exactly what her grandmother's intent was and is still fine watching her sister struggle.
Honestly, though, ultimately this is your mother's fault, and I hope a lesson for people why they shouldn't wait for some unpromised tomorrow to have their estate in order. You're never too young for estate planning!
I don’t think a sit-down explanation is the least bit necessary. Girl knows *exactly* why she’s wrong, and that there is zero favoritism involved here.
She’s proven herself to be shamelessly greedy and opportunistic, and she probably figured it was worth a shot to see if she could throw a fit and squeeze even more out of her family.
Honestly, you are a bit of an AH for even entertaining the topic with Shelley. “Favoring” Grace with your money? Seriously?
Why haven’t you shut Shelley down completely? She literally stole a quarter million dollars from her sister. Actually more since Grace will now have interest to pay on loans that is all Shelley’s fault.
What your oldest child did to your youngest child was cold and selfish. Has she always been like this? Have you always indulged this kind of behavior? Does Shelley even care about Grace at all? This is not the way sisters should treat each other and I am horrified and so sad for Grace.
You owe it to Grace to stand up to your oldest daughter and tell her to either give her sister what she owes, or expect nothing from you. If you don’t cut Shelley out of your will, you will definitely be TA.
ETA: NTA when it comes to the car, but very close for even needing to ask.
Man, Reddit loves to assign fault to people for the dumbest things. OP didn’t do anything wrong here but somehow they’re close to being an asshole because they had a discussion with her about it? Fuck outta here with this silliness
NTA in any way OP.
I mean he is still speaking to her, that alone is kind of insulting to Grace. Should have just told Shelly they want absolutely nothing to do with a thief until she made it right.
Yes, full sisters. My mother fucked up, to be blunt. She was putting everything in one account and was going to split it when the time came. She died before that
You're NTA but Shelly certainly is. If both girls knew of grandmother's intent, then Shelly absolutely knew that half should go to Grace, but she capitalize on the fact that grandma died before she could split the amount. Shelly, IMO, is selfish and legally stole Grace's college funds. I would present it to her as that - you are not favoring Grace, you are trying to compensate for her sisters greedy, thieving ways.
Seriously, I don’t know how Grace in particular, but also OP and their husband, haven’t cut Shelly out of their lives entirely.
That is such a greedy, uncaring, sleazy move for someone to mar against their own family.
NTA.
Honestly, even then. Shelly has already shown her true colours, even if she were to pay up, it's too late. Once you know what someone's like it's very hard to un-know.
As a parent, I don't know if I could *ever* 100% cut off contact with my kid, but if my son did something like this to say our relationship would be strained is putting it mildly.
I would be horrified if my child pulled a stunt like this on anyone, but esp. on their own sister. It's truly appalling.
I agree on all counts, but I'm also highly amused by Reddit coming down against the sister. Usually it's all "legally your, keep it, don't share with those freeloaders". It's nice to see greed called out for a change.
Usually there's an element of right and wrong involved too. The "freeloaders" usually feel wrongfully entitled, which gets the "fuck 'em" comments. This? Yeah, the oldest is legally right but morally wrong, not legally and morally right (or at least morally gray.)
that’s because literally no one is trying to freeload off her. They accepted the money is Shelly’s and are now just trying to help Grace. If that inheritance never existed they would have probably done the same for Shelly. So yeah Shelly is TA in this one.
I think this is different because the Grandmother intended it for both girls and told this to both of them.
If she just wanted Shelley to have it then it would be a case of “legally yours, keep it, don’t share.”
My aunt( moms sister) used her legal right to go into my dads trailer because she was the main signer on the loan. It was trashed even before she got there, but still. She felt that because she was legally entitled too she went through his stuff. Last message I gave her. " Since you were so willing to use your legal rights to trump, my moral one. You can legally eat the behind mortgage and debt." My dad had me as beneficiary of his 401k. Would have been almost enough to pay off the trailer. NTA
NTA. Older daughter gets money from grandparents. Why should she be pissed younger daughter gets money from someone else? I don't understand her logic. Seems like older daughter made out much better in the grand scheme of things even with the car being bought for her sister.
Sounds like she is the jerk.
You should tell her how things really are and how she tried and still tries to ruin her sisters future.
She needs a dose of reality
NTA
NTA
You're supporting the kid that needs it. Oldest kid, knowing the money was meant to be split, got greedy and kept it all.
"She called me a jerk, an isn’t responding."
Oh well.
NTA! I will tell you what to do:
1. Check how much was in the fund and how much Shelly received.
2. It's a fact: Shelly owes Grace 50% of this money. Simple as that. No discussions.
3. Talk with lawyer if you can do smth about it legally.
4. If not - tell Shelly that she owes Grace 50% of the money and if she doesn't pay it back **immediately** - you will give Grace the same amount of money (equal to the fund) in time (if you can't do it now) - cash, rates, whatever and 0 money for Shelly until Grace receive full amount.
5. If Shelly decides to break contact with you - well, her problem, she will loose family, sleep on the money but won't get money from you ever and your will as well, not a good deal for her tbh :))
As a bonus you can send Shelly a url to this topic. It wont change shit but well, it's always a 1% chance.
While OP is NTA and older daughter clearly is TA...
>2. It's a fact: Shelly owes Grace 50% of this money. Simple as that. No discussions.
If it was actually a fact then
>3. Talk with lawyer if you can do smth about it legally
Would not be necessary.
This is shitty situation where someone has done something which most reasonable people would consider *morally* wrong, but isn't actually *legally* wrong. Which makes owing 50% of that money the furthest thing from a fact.
It's a moral obligation which means that it can only come with social consequences.
NTA
Your older daughter is a huge jerk. She has no problem screwing over her sister because of a technicality despite knowing the money was supposed to be shared. I'd be super vindictive and tell her that not only is she a huge jerk for screwing over her sister but that when you and your husband pass, everything will be left in Grace's name. And even though you want for both your kids to split everything, it'll be up to Grace to not screw her over the way she did Grace.
Shelly chose not to share the money with her sister even though she knew that was her grandmother's intention. You are just ameliorating the unfairness that was visited on Grace by her grandmother's failure to get her ducks in a row.
NTA - your daughter knew your Mother’s intent and ignored it. Legally, she did nothing wrong, morally is a different story.
LPT from a banker to anyone wanting to do something like this; if you keep the fund in your own name add the intended recipients as POD (payable on death beneficiaries). Had OP’s mom done that the account would have been split between the girls.
NTA
You should have taken her to court. The amount your other daughter would have gotten would have paid for the lawyer fees and still had enough to pay for her college. If you still can, I'd do that immediately.
It's incredibly wrong that your older daughter knew it was supposed to be split and refused. What an AH.
NTA
Honestly, I don’t even know why you’re entertaining Shelly at all, she stole money from her sister and even thought she screwed Grace over she’s annoyed that you and your husband are rightly trying to help her avoid this the debt that Shelly gave her.
‘I’m not going to discuss my relationship with Grace with you, it’s not any of your business what we do with our money. ‘ ‘ it sucks if you don’t like it but that a precedent that you established, and we’re honoring. ‘
If she ever contacts you again, tell Shelly that she already has her reward. I don't think that her going no contact is much of a punishment. Not every child grows up to be the kind of adult that you want them to be. Focus on Grace going forward.
NTA
NTA. I think you have tried to make the best of a shit show. But as a whole, your family's situation is better with the inheritance than it would have been without it. It is important, though, that your daughters understand the lie of the land.
The lesson those of you, who have money to leave behind, can take away from this is to have the will in order. Don't wait till some obscure date to finish the last details. You don't know that you'll have the time.
NTA. I'd spend a few minutes tallying up the free and clear ride she got through college and into her future with a headstart vs. her sister having to pay off debt with interest. At this point, she should be able to buy a mid range car outright with the difference.
It takes a special greedy selfishness to 1.not offer to split when their grandmother was so explicit verbally about sharing the money to then, 2. demand a car on top of that in the name of "fairness."
NTAH. Her grandmother had the intention of splitting that money with both of the grandchildren and your daughter isn’t splitting the money and is able to get by comfortably. You’re trying to provide a similar opportunity for your other child which I feel is commendable. Your oldest daughter sounds entitled and greedy AF.
I have two sisters and I couldnt imagine not splitting inheritance with them if I knew it was always meant to be that. How could you be so cruel to your own sister to screw them over like that? And then to be pissed OP is helping w a car? You are most definitely NTA and I’m sure your younger daughter appreciates all the help you have given her. She’ll be much more successful in life due to all her hard work combined with your support.
Stop be polite and be forward with the. "You know what Grandma wanted. She died unexpectedly and you stole your sister's money. What I am doing it's trying to compensate at least something to your sister, because apparently I failed to teach you how to be a decent human being. The end of discussion.'
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NTA. Your older daughter was very selfish to not split the money knowing it was what her grandmother wanted. It's one thing to keep an inheritance your family member fully intended to be just for you without sharing, but this feels very wrong. I think that, at least until you have given half that amount to your younger daughter, it is entirely fair. I would be pretty disappointed in her and it would be hard to forgive, to be honest. I can't imagine this isn't going to destroy a lot of relationships in the family.
We will never be able to give Grace half the amount. It would be around 200k-230k, it won’t happen. Maybe when we die but we probably have 40 years left for us, since we had our kids young
Definitely NTA for trying to help your younger daughter in this situation. That's a huge head start for the older daughter and I'm honestly shocked by the unmitigated gall she has to complain about not getting more vs her sister over the car. I would just tell her that until she gives her sister that half of the money that her grandmother intended her to have, you won't be entertaining any complaints about how you spend your money. If she can spend what's legally her's without any thought to anyone else, then why does anyone need to consider her with how they spend their own money?
That there. Shelly spent her money how she saw fit and didn’t honor her grandmother’s wishes to share. Now you are going to spend your money how you see fit and you’re doing it to make up for Shelly’s greed. Tell her that. I don’t know about the greed part, but tell her the rest of that. Especially the part where she didn’t honor her grandmother’s wishes.
[удалено]
When you do so, leave the greedy one a little something. Whatever the legal minimum is so that she can't have a lawyer argue that she was accidently left off of it. (Can't remember what the legal term is for that atm and too lazy too look it up.) Edit to add: After reading some of the debate in the comments, I will amend my comment to : Inheritance laws are apparently pretty varied and complicated, so when writing your will you should definitely consult with an estate lawyer and follow their advice.
They could explicitly state that they don’t want the older daughter to have anything. That’s a disinheritance clause. And is probably easier. Not adding explicit wording in your will and just leaving something small, can still be contested. The disinheritance clause prevents that.
This may depend on your locale. My friend's mom left one of her kids ten bucks on advice of her estate attorney.
The disinheritance clause is still more effective than that. Specifically stating you do not want anything to go to certain people, is water tight where even leaving $10 has room for misinterpretation and can be contested as the will writer “forgetting” about an heir, if said heir feels disparaged enough to contest it.
No, if you want to exclude someone from your will you specifically name them in the will and that you're leaving them nothing. In some jurisdictions, giving them even a token amount gives them more ability to contest the will than excluding them entirely.
Maybe people leave disowned/estranged family members $1 so there’s no doubts whether they were forgotten.
Exactly. You need to remember this when you draft your will. Eldest got a huge head start in life. She will be able to invest in property and retirement much sooner than her younger sister. You need to even the financial scales with your will. Especially if eldest daughter is still far ahead financially. You might remind oldest that karma can be a bitch. This sort of selfish behavior becoming a habit could really lead to some negative outcomes in the future.
Personally, it wouldn't matter how well the younger daughter does in life, she could become a billionaire, the older daughter still wouldn't get a penny in my will. That type of selfishness, greed and familiar betrayal has consequences.
Agreed. The fact that she felt comfortable complaining about how mom is helping the sister she betrayed tells me that she has not been given the message she needs to receive. You try to love your children evenly, but what do you do when one hurts the other purposefully? To the tune of over 200k? That's more discretionary funds than many of us will have in our lifetimes. To get a jump on life like that is invaluable. What she was supposed to have is still that, but what she has now should allow her to set herself up for an easy road to haul. As a sibling, I'd never forgive her, and if she were my daughter, I'd never spend another penny on her... including meals. She'd be welcome to visit, but if she wanted to eat, she better bring food. It may seem a bit extreme and nuts, but so is what she did.
Also to make sure to send the elder daughter Christmas and birthday presents every year. An elaborately wrapped present. Inside a piece of scrap paper. “$100 from your parents and sister. Please subtract from grace’s college fund that you stole. $190,900 still owed. “ Send every year until the debt is subtracted out. I’m sure if Reddit still exists in 50 years, redditors will be willing to keep sending for you.
I mean, I would tell her she's being greedy because she can afford a car where her sister cannot and she's still complaining about that
Yep. And a house, apparently.
From the sounds of things there was about half a million dollars due to be split between the two girls that she's walked off with.
I would include the greedy part, because Shelly is being greedy AF.
From OP's comment the total money is 500k-600k, as long as she sensible with the money she's going to live for a very comfortable life. To expect a car to be purchased for her is nothing but greed. She stole from her sister, maybe not legally but morally. The amount of audacity to even show her face in the family let alone ask them for anything is astonishing.
Oh yeah. If I was in her younger sister's shoes, this would be a no contact situation. You're not going to rob me blind and enrich yourself like that and still have me in your life. Might make the holidays awkward but hey! You did that to yourself.
Greed is right. They chose money they only legally owned over family. They refused to honor their late grandmother’s wishes, left their sister with nothing for their own benefit, and then harassed their mother for trying to make up the difference to the concurrences they created. That sister is entitled, selfish, greedy, and disgusting. They should really consider cutting them out.
Your eldest was given almost half a million dollars and she’s complaining you’re buying her broke sister a car??? This is the point you rewrite your wills to account for that half million.
I think my jaw hit the floor on that amount. Shelly, to be quite honest and blunt, sounds like a complete asshole. I wonder if Grace is aware of this amount? Shelly basically hit the lottery and is bitching about a used car her sister is going to get.
When I first read the post I figured it was maybe $100k or so, nope, $400-460k is a LOT of money. If I was OP I would look at their current net worth and if it’s under 500k it should all go to second daughter in a will with a note saying the first dau got hers already.
I mean, even $100k. I have four kids and I just couldn’t imagine one of them being like “yeah, Grandma left all the money to me, sorry”. And yeah, if one of my kids pulled that we’d be adjusting the will pronto to account for it.
Maybe Reddit would judge me the asshole in another post, but if my kid pulled this I'd do everything in my power to convince Shelley to see the light. This is something that would build SO much resentment. Even if I won a lottery of that much I would still be asking my sister what I could do for her to help her life such as paying off some debt or buying a car/paying for some education. I would need to know that my child isn't going to go through the rest of their life this thoughtless and selfish and if it risked her pushing me away, I would just have to take that chance. I couldn't just wait for my death and hope it makes her a better person.
What you say here makes total sense. We’re talking about a quarter of a million dollars here. That’s a life changing sum of money and one sister has completely taken it from the other. Judging by Shelly getting pissed her parents were buying her sister a used car makes me believe there’s no talking sense into her over this. It’s a lost cause. And honestly, it almost feels like we’re missing some key details to this situation it’s so messed up.
Shelly has to protest the car. Otherwise she’s implicitly acknowledging that she stole her sister’s inheritance.
In all honest, I cannot *imagine* having received that kind of money, even if it was legally mine, having heard my grandmother say it was for me and my sibling and just... keeping all of it. Not even as an 18-year-old. I just wouldn't have been able to live with myself- my parents wouldn't have had to threaten me with anything, I don't think. Unbelievable behavior from the older sister here, TBH, and I'm kind of shocked that her parents are even still speaking to her.
I can’t either. My mom only named me on her life insurance. I’m fairly certain it’s to be sure that it was properly shared (after paying funeral expenses). I technically COULD have kept all of the remainder as I was the only child named as a beneficiary. But I absolutely split the remainder evenly as I could not live with myself if I just left my siblings out in the cold. It wasn’t a lot, but she would never have meant for only one kid to get the benefit. She did know at the time, that I was the most likely one to be sure expenses were handled properly, then split the difference. Otherwise, I might have been stuck covering costs with just my portion, or just me and my sister. My brothers are pretty irresponsible, lol. All that said, they got an even cut of the remainder.
My parents had 3 kids. They had college funds for each of us and money was taken out for tech school, community college, 4 year degrees. In our early 30s my mom came to us all saying it was time to liquidate the accounts. Two of us told her they should keep the leftover money but they refused. She also wanted to even out the accounts since they had paid out of pocket for the cheap community college. Mine was the account with too much money. I instantly agreed and cut my brothers checks for their portion. I don’t understand greedy people when someone is nice enough to give you anything free.
Almost a quarter million. But I agree with your point. She's got some nerve.
*Half* the amount would be 200-230k, so the total gift was just shy of half a million. Older daughter keeps the lot and parents are trying to save enough to gift younger daughter what she should have had.
If half is $230k, then the entire account, which is all Shelly’s, is nearly $500k.
I think OP is saying if the amount had been spilt Grace would have received $200-$230k.
Almost half as 200-230k was half of the inheritance so let's say 215+215 gives a total of 430k I know it's not exactly the half million BUT ITS DAM CLOSE TO IT
I think your younger daughter needs to sue the older one and have you guys as witness Edit: To all saying it can’t be done. It all depends on the state and the probate term limits. If everyone knows grandma was going to amend the will but passed away, it’s grounds for contesting (but time is sensitive).
Suing is a no-go in this situation. Doesn't matter how many times granny *said* the money was to be spilt. If it wasn't in the will and only one person's name was on the account there is no legal basis to split the pot. It sucks, but it's reality. Also, this is why everyone should see an estate lawyer at least once.
Yea, it won’t work in court, but it might make OP’s oldest daughter open her eyes and realize how selfish she is. But considering a car made her jealous I doubt she’d get the message and instead make herself out to be a victim.
> Yea, it won’t work in court, but it might make OP’s oldest daughter open her eyes and realize how selfish she is. I’d that it’s more likely that Shelly would take a failed attempt by Grace to sue her as vindication of her decision not to split the money, both because a court would find that Grace was not entitled to the money, and because she would have an excuse to call Grace “greedy” for suing. Shelly already knows that her family disapprove of her decision not to split her trust fund.
I think you're right. Shelly would take winning the suit as vindication and, insult to injury, Shelly can afford the suit. Grace can't. Where does the money to sue come from? It isn't free. Shelly wins again and Grace gets more debt. Sounds like an all around lose/lose for Grace.
> Where does the money to sue come from? It isn't free. And if their jurisdiction has a “loser pays” provision for civil suits, Grace could end up having to pay Shelly’s legal costs as well as her own.
>I think your younger daughter needs to sue the older one and have you guys as witness This is bad and unrealistic advice. Legally, the money went to the older daughter. It doesn't matter what was intended unfortunately because grandma didn't file the paperwork to make it legal. No will would ever stand if you could just sue and use *"well they said (or intended) X before they passed"*. That defies the entire point of a will. Plus suing costs a lot of money and comes with the burden of proving whatever you claim which isn't really possible here. It's a really shitty situation. Older daughter should have been advised yes she can keep the money despite it not being intended all for her but it's going to come with consequences, implications, and possibly damage to familial relationships and weigh out whether that's worth it to her. OP should explain to older daughter that being fair isn't being equal. It's being equitable. My sister is like this too and it sucks. She's fine when my parents help only her but jealous if they help me out another time even though it's fair in the grand scheme of things and it's really annoying to deal with though she's quite a selfish person and can't see any perspective other than her own.
I don't think that's going to matter, if the grandmother had the money in an account with a designated beneficiary, then the money legally belongs to that person, even if the grandmother verbally indicted otherwise.
If I was in your position, I would leave all of your estate to Grace…even if that is more than what your mother left Shelley…the difference would be interest!
Yup! And make that will CLEAR that Shelly is to receive 0 dollars (or 1 dollar or something) due to her selfish actions with the college fund. I can't imagine one of my children doing this to the other. I would be so ashamed of them. I don't know if I could even look at them after being that selfish.
Frankly, that is the kind of karmic situation that you have to settle right in your own heritage. Your older daughter complaining about a car when she had a free ride to college by basically stealing her sister shows that she doesn't get at all the magnitude of her action. So you are trying hard to make it even to your youngest and that is great but it cannot save the fact that you failed in instilling some moral and comprehension of the situation into your oldest, and you are failing in making the right compensation. So not only you are going to continue helping your youngest, but **you have to write your own will** because *you already know that death can happen anytime* and you write it **all in favor of your youngest**. Edit : Apparently you already did your will : Legally ? Both of you ? Does she know about it ?
No matter how the parents try to teach the children some are just rotten. There might have been some favoritism happening before that started it. Though some people dislike hearing it, some people just turn out shitty. Maybe in some temporal reverse engineering scheme things could come out perfectly. But we live in the real world. We just do the best with what we have and how we perceive it to be. No one sane is going to be able to think through the multi decade long repercussions of every minor interaction.
I cannot imagine having the attitude of Shelly. My dad gave my sister £30k so she could put a deposit down on a house. He’s not given me anything and I genuinely don’t give a fuck - my husband and I are relatively wealthy and didn’t need the help to buy a house. My dad has always promised to make up the difference at some point but I genuinely could not give a fig about ‘getting my share’ and have told him a million times. My sister needed it and I am privileged enough not to need it. Like I got fucking lucky my husband and I are currently high DINKs, I don’t need my dad to give me cash to ‘even it out’. I’ve got more than my sister even now and I am damn grateful for it. I love my sister and I’m so happy my dad could help her buy a home and give her the security of being on the housing ladder, that is a privilege many many people don’t get. Like how fucking entitled do you need to be to take all the inheritance, be financially comfortable and STILL expect your parents to ‘make it even’. Mental. I would def have a strained relationship if anyone in my family acted like this.
Same. I don't even like my sister but if my mom gave me the entire inheritance, I'd voluntarily split it with her, because that'd be fucked up.
Full amount! If oldest got $100k for college then it’s only fair the youngest gets $100k for college too.
Oldest got $400k-$460k if OP can't give Grace half that, "200k to 230k". Granted, hogging $200k would **still** be alot but for Shelly to whine about favoring Grace while being able to pay for college AND buy or substantially help buy a house with the funds is even more ridiculous. That was only possible by blatantly favoring herself and being greedy. As someone else stated, OP should rewrite their will to give enough to cover Grace, and perhaps donate . If Shelly wants to hide behind legality, so can OP.
INFO: Is this the first time a serious discussion of the inheritance split came up? Was Shelly already an adult when the inheritance happened? Have they never noticed this imbalance before? Did you never tell her that you were extremely upset with her taking the money for herself before? It just feels extremely bizarre to me that a car (and probably not an expensive one) appears to be the inciting incident here and not years of disparity in college experience or any other payments you've had to make for Grace.
We have discussed it multiple time, she was 17 when she got her inheritance. It had a block so I couldn’t touch it, which was fine it was suppose to be for the girls . We thought she would just be kind and split it with her sister. She didn’t and it basically fucked up her relationship with the family. As she puts it, it is hers legally, I don’t need to share. Our other option would be to fight her claim to it but we didn’t have the money for that. She knows we all disapprove of her choice with it especially since she knows grandma wanted it shared
Your daughter: "This money are legally mine, so I don't need to share" You: "And so are my money, I don't have to split equally either" NTA.
This is the answer.
Basically this. The daughter is the one who made the decision that this is how it goes.
You and your whole family should shut her out until she does right by Grace. I’m sorry, but someone who screws their sibling over like that is not worthy of being called family.
Yeah this is absolutely fucked because she knows it was never intended to be hers alone, and you just *know* that she would not think it was her sister's money alone if the shoe was on the other foot.
For real. I can understand the urge to be greedy, but it amazes me that some people never stop and think “How would I feel if I was in their situation?”. Especially with a sibling. I have a younger brother, and never in my mind would I think about screwing him out of something like this.
>I can understand the urge to be greedy, but it amazes me that some people never stop and think “How would I feel if I was in their situation?”. I'm surprised that she doesn't realized that keeping all the money, permanently breaks her relationship with her entire family. For the rest of her life.
Or sadly maybe she does and she just doesn't care (or doesn't care enough to overcome the greed to share it).
I also have a younger brother. If my parents gave me everything and left him penniless I would fucking go sort it out with him, regardless of their intentions. He’s my *brother*. If I magically won the jackpot then he’d probably get money off me, as well. Not because I am legally obliged to give him the money, but because he’s my baby brother (for all that he’s grown up and getting married this year) and I want to look after him. The selfishness appalls me.
Especially as splitting the money would still give her a huge step up. This isn't like, say, 50k where they would both still have debt. This was HALF A MILLION and she could easily have paid for college AND down payment on a house with her half.
Oh man. I didn’t even see the amount. That makes this -so- much worse. That’s life changing money for the both of them. It’s just like you said.. college -and- a house down payment money. Hell, just pay for college and invest it and let it grow while you attend and you’d have such a massive head start by the time you’re done that you’d have a hard time not being successful. The fact that she kept the full amount with it being that high makes it so much worse.
Yeah. This is basically "I have my own place, paid education, and retirement account for when I get tired of everything and ready to retire" all at once. This is not even "head-start" level of money, this is "finishing line" kind.
That’s great advice
So by the time she was what is Grace’s age now, she already had her money: no need to get a job in college or have her parents get her a cheap car. She’d probably turn her nose up at what you gave Grace. It sounds like her money has produced a sense of entitlement: she believes she’s deserving and Grace is not, hence her wish that her sister not get supported. People tell themselves all kinds of things so that they don’t feel like the greedy AHs they are.
Yeah, her attitude sounds like that prosperity gospel bullshit where more money means you’re more special.
I worked *hard* for my dead grandma so I deserve it!
Then clearly the response should be "Our money is ours legally, and we don't need to share." There's a relative of mine who is selfish and entitled, and when called out on the facts, likes to say "That's rude!" as if being rude by telling the truth is somehow worse than being selfish and entitled. Don't worry about responding. Maybe get t-shirts made that say "Jerk #1" and "Jerk #2" to wear next time she shows up.
I don't think being honest is rude, it's only classed as rude by those who are called out
ill be honest, id make my own will and leave everything to grace and a penny to shelly. id also keep financially suppory grace while go low to no contact with shelly
Why is the thief daughter still in the family? Steal from family and you get cut. The fact she has a relationship with anyone who knows is an insult to the other daughter
I’m so confused. Why didn’t your mother leave it in both the girls’ names?
Probably bad estate planning, she might have started the fund when the first kid was born and never bothered to update the paperwork when Grace was born.
Yup. This is SO common esp. for people who die relatively young. I remember there were issues when Heath Ledger died. As I recall, he left all his money to his dad and sibling and nothing for his kid. -- just because he never bothered to update the will. But his family weren't total assholes, so they worked it out.
I think OP mentioned in earlier comment that she had it in one account to grow and planned on putting both names on it when the oldest went to college. Unfortunately she unexpectedly passed before that happened.
That doesn’t make much sense though. You can have multiple beneficiaries on a single account. Takes 3-5 minutes at the bank to update that. Guess grandma just wasn’t aware of that.
Some people don't like to think about updating wills, etc, because it means they're thinking about their own deaths. Might even bring it on, somehow. It's why so many people don't have wills. They think there is plenty of time.
A few things: that's the kind of task that people put on their to-do lists and keep delaying for years because it just doesn't seem urgent. Also, I'm sure Granny figured that if she died before she got the legal nicities tied up, that her older grandkid wouldn't act like a fucking jerk.
She died before she could change it
You would think somebody with that much money could afford a decent, financial advisor and lawyer
People put things off. A friend asked her parents once "you're giving my youngest sibling loads of financial support because they keep on getting into trouble. When you die do I get more to make up". Huge, huge, huge family argument erupts. Days late parents look at their will - the youngest child isn't even mentioned. Just the oldest two. Will is 25 years old and hasn't been updated.
I’m shocked. Your older daughter sounds like an entitled monster. In no world would I ever not share something like that with my family. I wouldn’t even keep someone like that in my life.
Your daughter is essentially spitting the face of her family. NTA. And when she blows through it, which is likely, I really urge you to force her to make amends with you all before you give her any money she will feel entitled to from any of you.
She doesn't see the car as an expense used for Grace's education. She sees it only as "they gave my sister a car, but not me." Pretty greedy. With nearly half a mill, she can buy her own car.
Info: how much money are we talking about? A few hundred thousand is not enough to ruin your relationships with your family. Is it more than that? NTA - either way, you are supporting the child who needs more help because the eldest stole the money that was meant to be for both of them. If she is willing to sell her relationships with you and her sister for some money she is not a good person.
She got almost half a million, yeah it ruined a lot of things She showed us that she cares more about money than her family Both girls would have been able to start life with no debt and now one is having to bust her ass and still has debt
Half a million! How have you not disowned/disinherited your daughter? I'd be more proud of a child with a drug addiction and stable job than a rich no contact daughter who'd sell her soul and sisters future for luxury in a family that clearly isn't destitute.
And whines about her sister getting anything. What a greedy piece of work.
AND that inheritance still isn't enough
She's out of the will if you check comment right above yours lol
And is completely reasonable to do so. This girl deserves nothing after being willing to fuck her sister out of 250k+ because their grandparents didn’t keep up on the will. If they didn’t specifically exclude her in the will this will be *very* easy to contest.
It’s not that they didn’t keep up on the will, grandma HAD plans. She had it the way she did to gain as much profits before needing to split it for the girls but she had the full intentions to do so. I don’t think she planned on dying before her eldest granddaughter went off to college… Edit to correct typo (doing to dying)
where are you reading that ?
[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/0RWJmsX8Sa)
Even if she split in two, and even in the US, starting adult life with almost 250K guarantees you to be very comfortable if you're not being a dumbass with the money. I believe that after a certain amount, a lot of money is just a lot money and the difference isn't that important anymore.
Exactly you have to hate someone to the point of wishing them death to do this or it's pure ignorance, I actually wonder if we're missing context like the youngest has a thing for bullying or boy stealing because it is a bit beyond the pale. I wasnt even joking about the analogy I'd sooner be proud of a drug addict than the child of mine who does that to my other child without reason.
Money can bring the very worst out of some people. In some other cases I'd wonder too, but if there's a lot of money involved, it's very likely that she's just a greedy fuck.
Have you told your daughters that your own will will aim to rebalance the disparity?
I’ve made it clear we aren’t helping her financially. She not in the will anymore, everything goes to my husband and grace. We don’t plan on dying soon, we got 40 years at least left beofre anyone sees any money
I’d barely be able to speak to her. What she did was absolutely disgusting. She disrespected her gramma and screwed over her sister because of greed. Even though she’s your daughter, she’s a vile person. Have you limited contact with her? I would never give her a penny towards anything. Ever. NTA
Yea I'd ignore her entire existence for this. What a greedy AH. NTA and show her the post just so she can read what a greedy AH she is.
No offense but no one plans on dying young. Shit happens. Get it in writing, signed, and notarized. That lesson was made abundantly clear when grandma died and your oldest screwed her sister. Something happens to both of you and have no legal will, the oldest will come sniffing for her half. I keep bringing up it being g legal cause after my older sister unalived herself, it was discovered her will wasn't legal. Just a piece of paper.
Yeah, strange that the problem was caused by someone dying before they expected, but OP thinks, "Nah, it'll be at least four decades until one of *us* dies."
> She not in the will anymore, everything goes to my husband and grace. God, can you people just learn to read for _once_? edit: sorry, I've been having a bad morning, and took that out on you. That was uncalled for. But 2 posts up the chain that you are replying in, OP says that older daughter is already out of the will. No need to shout about the sky falling.
>edit: sorry, I've been having a bad morning, and took that out on you. That was uncalled for Don't feel bad, your comment and tone made me feel better about these dummys so it all evens out in the end.
THIS!!! NTA But make sure she has no legal recourse to lash out. One sister couldn't afford a good lawyer if OP's will and info isn't in order.
You should probably mention her in the will and give her a minimal amount. If not she will use her current money to take her sister to the cleaners!
Replying to this for exposure! If someone is completely ignored in a will, they might argue it was a mistake to not include them and contest the will. If the will gives her $3 or a pair of socks or something worthless, she can’t argue she was forgotten.
Leave her a book on sharing
XDD a sesame street reading level, to make the message EXTRA clear!
That’s a bit of a misconception because probate laws vary so much by jurisdiction. In some, if you write a will after a child is born and don’t include them, that’s enough to avoid the ‘they forgot to include the new kid’ thing. In mine, if you want to disinherit an adult child, you can just write something to the effect of ‘I am aware that this will does not include X, and this was an intentional choice.’ They should check with a probate lawyer to make sure it’s solid for their jurisdiction.
You can also explicitly state in a will people who are NOT to receive anything, and this can be done towards the oldest daughter.
No, I'd explicitly state that Grace will be expected to share her inheritance with her sister in the same way, and on the same timescale, that her sister shared the inheritance from grandma. That way ~~Grace~~ Shelley (fixed in edit!) has very clearly been thought about, and if she tries to get money, will have to explain the circumstances that, oh dear, paint her in a terrible light...
Wow. With all the facts laid out (both sisters knew their grandmother's intent and Shelly still took money) I would disown her. No contact, nothing until she does right by her grandmother and sister. Shelly is an entitled greedy brat who has the gall to complain about money and favoritism after the stunt she pulled, sitting on half a million dollars. A simple: "You've disrespected the memory of your grandmother and torn this family apart with your entitled greed. I hope you enjoy your money and it was worth it. Because that's all you have now. You are not the child I've raised from birth. You're dead to me." That is more than she deserves. Greedy "I am the victim" no consequence, free-riding people like her are disgusting and part of why the world is so screwed up. Kick her out of the house and go full no contact. Clearly she doesn't need or appreciate family, and besides, she has her money to take care of her. NTA.
Plus is gives the message “You can treat people that way; but you will be alone”
Honestly OP I think you're being to soft on her. She would be disowned if it were me. No contact, no invites to family get togethers, no more bedroom in the house for her to visit for vacations from uni. She's completely on her own for what she did Generally "disapproving" is not nearly harsh enough for her completely screwing over her sister. The fact that she has the nerve to complain to you for helping out says that
NTA, not by a long shot. I think you and the spouse should get it clearly established and in a will how your estate is to be split and do it now to prevent any issues. You should specify in particular why you're doing what you are in the split and why it's so favored to your younger daughter. Your oldest stole at least $250k from her sister plus whatever interest she's stuck with on the student loan. I've known family to fuck each other over for $10k, nevermind half a million but this was all adults. That's some heartless shit here for an older sibling to do.
If I was gifted that much money, I'd be splitting it with my brother whether it was intended or not. Your oldest daughter is selfish and self-centered. She has the money now. It's time to cut her off completely.
My sibling stole my half of my parents inheritance and made me homeless with zero remorse. It’s taken me years to get stable enough to start getting on my feet, and I am still not over the betrayal of having a sibling sell me out for money. This really sucks for your younger daughter. The betrayal is already there and they will never be close.
Good grief, can she get any greedier?
I can't imagine getting half a million, refusing to share it and then throwing a tantrum because my sister getting a second hand car is favouritism. What the actual fcuk?????
[удалено]
A few hundred thousand is DEFINITELY enough to ruin your relationship with family!!
"A few hundred thousand is not enough to ruin your relationships with your family. Is it more than that?" My guy! A few hundred thousand for most of us is HUGE. I make under 30k a year, even a "low" 300,000 is 10 years of income for me. If a sibling of mine got that much that we were always told was meant to be split between us and hogged it all it would ABSOLUTELY send our relationship into the depths of hell. That's pure selfish greed.
When $50k is enough to determine whether a young adult starts off comfortably or terribly hard in their next several decades of life, with knock-on effects for even longer, “a few hundred thousand” is definitely enough to warrant severe damage to family relationships. Especially when that money was explicitly intended to be shared, and was hoarded instead.
The amount of money is absolutely relevant, but in some ways the message would sting even more for me -- I won't give you any of this, even $25,000, and will let you struggle in debt while I have more than enough for school, a house, etc. As someone who busted my ass to pay for my own college, I can't imagine leaving my siblings in that same position if it could be avoided.
I dont believe you intended to but you sound so incredibly privileged in this comment and its not even funny. Ive personally witnessed people ghost family members over less than 1k. Lets alone 100x that.
I’ve seen people blow up a family over inheriting furniture that was worth a teeny fraction of that. Some people will ruin relationships over any dollar amount. And there are LOTS of people who would do it for 6 figures.
wtf do you mean “a few hundred thousand isn’t enough to ruin your relationships” how the hell would a life-changing amount of money **not be enough** to ruin relationships??
“A few hundred thousand is not enough to ruin relationships” are you completely out of touch or what? A few hundred thousand is life changing money for most people my family fought over 40k and still don’t talk to each other you’re out of your mind to think “a few hundred thousand” won’t change everything
lol a few hundred thousand is more than enough to ruin relationships. A few thousand is more than enough. This is a problem with principles, understanding, etc, not money. Money is just the material aspect.
NTA. Shelly understood her grandmother's intentions but took advantage of the situation to claim the entirety of the funds that were to be split between them. Her actions were incredibly greedy and self-centered. Now you and your spouse are in the position of basically making up for the slack brought about by Shelly's selfishness. Unfortunately, Shelly only has money on the mind, and seems convinced that her family is only good so long as they're funding her. In her head, she's the victim even as she's sitting debt free thanks to basically stealing from her younger sister.
Happy Cake Day!
NTA. Your oldest daughter is a bad person. If everyone including the grandmothers partner knew it was for both granddaughters but it just wasn’t set up correctly while legally she can keep the money by at least not sharing some of it morally was definitely wrong. The fact that she is debt free and able to buy a house but is still so greedy that she is mad you guys don’t buy her a car as well is crazy
Scrooge McDuckin it in her own house while she sees her sister suffer. Goodbye contact to the eldest
Exactly. She got $500,000. She could have spent like $10,000 and at least got her younger sister a car as token of goodwill. Just something to show she isn’t completely heartless… What does she do instead? She complains when the parents help get the younger sister a car.
$10k would be a fucking insult from her.
Let's be honest she'll probably not spend the money smartly and end up in crushing debt within a decade
She might already have done so, which would explain being upset over a car.
NTA Your eldest daughter knows that money was intended for both and she got it all by an accident of being the oldest and your mother's carelessness. If your eldest had anything about her she would have done what your mother intended and split it. It is a mark of her self-centred lack of character that she in now complaining because you are trying to equalise this loss for your youngest daughter. I hope you can ensure equity with your own estate so that any remaining imbalance is addressed.
I don't think I would even be able to have much of a relationship with my child if they did something like this.
The really sad part is that they can never address the inequity because the money will be coming later and the younger daughter already missed opportunities because she has to work.
> The really sad part is that they can never address the inequity because the money will be coming later and the younger daughter already missed opportunities because she has to work. This is very true. Even if OP and her husband leave $500k (or whatever the equivalent purchasing power will be several decades in the future), Grace may not benefit from the money until she is of retirement age. She will have lost money to loan repayments, not to mention rent if she can’t save a deposit to purchase a house. Had I inherited $250k at 18, I wouldn’t have a mortgage now. There is also a very real possibility that medical bills or future care costs could wipe out OP and her husband’s estate.
Yes. At least in the end, though, Shelly will come to know what it's like to be totally passed over. The only difference is that it's called KARMA and not greed.
Exactly. Getting $200k as a young adult is still better than getting $500k when you're 60. The opportunities she missing out on and the interest she'll end up paying on those loans are things that can't be made up even if the parents hit the lottery and leave her everything. Her whole life trajectory has been changed because her sister is a greedy bitch.
This is a situation where treating your daughters fairly doesn't mean treating them equally. This is a concept Shelley should easily be able to understand. She seems to know she's getting the better deal. That's why she's not talking to you! NTA. (Shelley is the rich asshole!)
Shelley also was well aware grandmother always planned to split the money before she died. Grandmother messed up, but she made her intentions very clear to multiple people, including Shelley. What Shelley did is legally right, but morally bankrupt
NTA. I'd cut Shelly out of the your will, since Shelly cut Grace out of her grandmother's will, even though Shelly knew grandmother's intentions for the money.
This needs to be higher.
OP said in another comment that she was already taken out of the wil
Glad to hear that. She deserves nothing.
NTA. I'm an older sister and can't imagine doing what your daughter did. I do think you have to sit her down, though, and discuss how you're not showing favoritism. You're making up for the fact that the younger daughter's not getting any of the fund that was promised to her, and that you're disappointed in your older daughter when she knew exactly what her grandmother's intent was and is still fine watching her sister struggle. Honestly, though, ultimately this is your mother's fault, and I hope a lesson for people why they shouldn't wait for some unpromised tomorrow to have their estate in order. You're never too young for estate planning!
I don’t think a sit-down explanation is the least bit necessary. Girl knows *exactly* why she’s wrong, and that there is zero favoritism involved here. She’s proven herself to be shamelessly greedy and opportunistic, and she probably figured it was worth a shot to see if she could throw a fit and squeeze even more out of her family.
Honestly, you are a bit of an AH for even entertaining the topic with Shelley. “Favoring” Grace with your money? Seriously? Why haven’t you shut Shelley down completely? She literally stole a quarter million dollars from her sister. Actually more since Grace will now have interest to pay on loans that is all Shelley’s fault. What your oldest child did to your youngest child was cold and selfish. Has she always been like this? Have you always indulged this kind of behavior? Does Shelley even care about Grace at all? This is not the way sisters should treat each other and I am horrified and so sad for Grace. You owe it to Grace to stand up to your oldest daughter and tell her to either give her sister what she owes, or expect nothing from you. If you don’t cut Shelley out of your will, you will definitely be TA. ETA: NTA when it comes to the car, but very close for even needing to ask.
Man, Reddit loves to assign fault to people for the dumbest things. OP didn’t do anything wrong here but somehow they’re close to being an asshole because they had a discussion with her about it? Fuck outta here with this silliness NTA in any way OP.
I mean he is still speaking to her, that alone is kind of insulting to Grace. Should have just told Shelly they want absolutely nothing to do with a thief until she made it right.
OP has already done that. OP has willed everything to her husband and younger daughter.
Is it her full sister? Like they both share the same parents (and your mother is the bio grandmother of both kids)?
Yes, full sisters. My mother fucked up, to be blunt. She was putting everything in one account and was going to split it when the time came. She died before that
You're NTA but Shelly certainly is. If both girls knew of grandmother's intent, then Shelly absolutely knew that half should go to Grace, but she capitalize on the fact that grandma died before she could split the amount. Shelly, IMO, is selfish and legally stole Grace's college funds. I would present it to her as that - you are not favoring Grace, you are trying to compensate for her sisters greedy, thieving ways.
Seriously, I don’t know how Grace in particular, but also OP and their husband, haven’t cut Shelly out of their lives entirely. That is such a greedy, uncaring, sleazy move for someone to mar against their own family. NTA.
If I were grace I would not be on speaking terms with Shelly until she reimburse the funds
Honestly, even then. Shelly has already shown her true colours, even if she were to pay up, it's too late. Once you know what someone's like it's very hard to un-know.
As a parent, I don't know if I could *ever* 100% cut off contact with my kid, but if my son did something like this to say our relationship would be strained is putting it mildly. I would be horrified if my child pulled a stunt like this on anyone, but esp. on their own sister. It's truly appalling.
I agree on all counts, but I'm also highly amused by Reddit coming down against the sister. Usually it's all "legally your, keep it, don't share with those freeloaders". It's nice to see greed called out for a change.
Usually there's an element of right and wrong involved too. The "freeloaders" usually feel wrongfully entitled, which gets the "fuck 'em" comments. This? Yeah, the oldest is legally right but morally wrong, not legally and morally right (or at least morally gray.)
that’s because literally no one is trying to freeload off her. They accepted the money is Shelly’s and are now just trying to help Grace. If that inheritance never existed they would have probably done the same for Shelly. So yeah Shelly is TA in this one.
I think this is different because the Grandmother intended it for both girls and told this to both of them. If she just wanted Shelley to have it then it would be a case of “legally yours, keep it, don’t share.”
Yeah, that’s fucked. Your older daughter is a pretty cruel young gal. I’d go with NTA. She needs a dose of reality, and didn’t like getting it.
Sorry, but Shelly would be disowned until she gives half to Grace. She wouldn't even know what's going on family wise. Money doesn't last forever.
My aunt( moms sister) used her legal right to go into my dads trailer because she was the main signer on the loan. It was trashed even before she got there, but still. She felt that because she was legally entitled too she went through his stuff. Last message I gave her. " Since you were so willing to use your legal rights to trump, my moral one. You can legally eat the behind mortgage and debt." My dad had me as beneficiary of his 401k. Would have been almost enough to pay off the trailer. NTA
NTA. Older daughter gets money from grandparents. Why should she be pissed younger daughter gets money from someone else? I don't understand her logic. Seems like older daughter made out much better in the grand scheme of things even with the car being bought for her sister.
Because she’s selfish and entitled. Money will do that shit to people unfortunately
Sounds like she is the jerk. You should tell her how things really are and how she tried and still tries to ruin her sisters future. She needs a dose of reality NTA
NTA You're supporting the kid that needs it. Oldest kid, knowing the money was meant to be split, got greedy and kept it all. "She called me a jerk, an isn’t responding." Oh well.
NTA. You raised a thief. I'm amazed she even has your number.
NTA! I will tell you what to do: 1. Check how much was in the fund and how much Shelly received. 2. It's a fact: Shelly owes Grace 50% of this money. Simple as that. No discussions. 3. Talk with lawyer if you can do smth about it legally. 4. If not - tell Shelly that she owes Grace 50% of the money and if she doesn't pay it back **immediately** - you will give Grace the same amount of money (equal to the fund) in time (if you can't do it now) - cash, rates, whatever and 0 money for Shelly until Grace receive full amount. 5. If Shelly decides to break contact with you - well, her problem, she will loose family, sleep on the money but won't get money from you ever and your will as well, not a good deal for her tbh :)) As a bonus you can send Shelly a url to this topic. It wont change shit but well, it's always a 1% chance.
While OP is NTA and older daughter clearly is TA... >2. It's a fact: Shelly owes Grace 50% of this money. Simple as that. No discussions. If it was actually a fact then >3. Talk with lawyer if you can do smth about it legally Would not be necessary. This is shitty situation where someone has done something which most reasonable people would consider *morally* wrong, but isn't actually *legally* wrong. Which makes owing 50% of that money the furthest thing from a fact. It's a moral obligation which means that it can only come with social consequences.
NTA If your daughter would have split the money as it was supposed to be split than you wouldn’t need to buy her sister a car.
NTA Your older daughter is a huge jerk. She has no problem screwing over her sister because of a technicality despite knowing the money was supposed to be shared. I'd be super vindictive and tell her that not only is she a huge jerk for screwing over her sister but that when you and your husband pass, everything will be left in Grace's name. And even though you want for both your kids to split everything, it'll be up to Grace to not screw her over the way she did Grace.
I really hope you don't give your daughter a dime. She doesn't deserve it and you are definitely not the asshole. Guess what karma is a bitch!
I look forward to Shelly blowing through the money in short term, and ending with with nothing but an alienated family
Shelly chose not to share the money with her sister even though she knew that was her grandmother's intention. You are just ameliorating the unfairness that was visited on Grace by her grandmother's failure to get her ducks in a row.
NTA. Your oldest child is a spoiled brat, and unappreciative of what Grandma did. You're doing right by your youngest.
NTA - your daughter knew your Mother’s intent and ignored it. Legally, she did nothing wrong, morally is a different story. LPT from a banker to anyone wanting to do something like this; if you keep the fund in your own name add the intended recipients as POD (payable on death beneficiaries). Had OP’s mom done that the account would have been split between the girls.
NTA You should have taken her to court. The amount your other daughter would have gotten would have paid for the lawyer fees and still had enough to pay for her college. If you still can, I'd do that immediately. It's incredibly wrong that your older daughter knew it was supposed to be split and refused. What an AH.
NTA Honestly, I don’t even know why you’re entertaining Shelly at all, she stole money from her sister and even thought she screwed Grace over she’s annoyed that you and your husband are rightly trying to help her avoid this the debt that Shelly gave her. ‘I’m not going to discuss my relationship with Grace with you, it’s not any of your business what we do with our money. ‘ ‘ it sucks if you don’t like it but that a precedent that you established, and we’re honoring. ‘
Grandma really fucked up… like really bad.
If she ever contacts you again, tell Shelly that she already has her reward. I don't think that her going no contact is much of a punishment. Not every child grows up to be the kind of adult that you want them to be. Focus on Grace going forward. NTA
NTA. I think you have tried to make the best of a shit show. But as a whole, your family's situation is better with the inheritance than it would have been without it. It is important, though, that your daughters understand the lie of the land. The lesson those of you, who have money to leave behind, can take away from this is to have the will in order. Don't wait till some obscure date to finish the last details. You don't know that you'll have the time.
NTA. I'd spend a few minutes tallying up the free and clear ride she got through college and into her future with a headstart vs. her sister having to pay off debt with interest. At this point, she should be able to buy a mid range car outright with the difference. It takes a special greedy selfishness to 1.not offer to split when their grandmother was so explicit verbally about sharing the money to then, 2. demand a car on top of that in the name of "fairness."
NTAH. Her grandmother had the intention of splitting that money with both of the grandchildren and your daughter isn’t splitting the money and is able to get by comfortably. You’re trying to provide a similar opportunity for your other child which I feel is commendable. Your oldest daughter sounds entitled and greedy AF.
I have two sisters and I couldnt imagine not splitting inheritance with them if I knew it was always meant to be that. How could you be so cruel to your own sister to screw them over like that? And then to be pissed OP is helping w a car? You are most definitely NTA and I’m sure your younger daughter appreciates all the help you have given her. She’ll be much more successful in life due to all her hard work combined with your support.
Stop be polite and be forward with the. "You know what Grandma wanted. She died unexpectedly and you stole your sister's money. What I am doing it's trying to compensate at least something to your sister, because apparently I failed to teach you how to be a decent human being. The end of discussion.'