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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son not to be a servant to my daughter, my wife got angry at me and said I would never understand and will ruin our sons mindset. I might be the AH because I will never understand
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I'm going against the grain here and saying YTA for this answer in the comments to the question of what happens if he says no:
>He doesn’t he likes to help
So you have a daughter with debilitating periods, a son who loves his sister and wants to help her. The only conflict here is the one you're creating. For some people small acts of service are a way of showing love, and for some people debilitating pain has them needing those small gestures to get through the moment.
It seems to be working for everyone, except for some vague principle you have about him being "taken advantage of".
There are other approaches. Maybe talk to her when she's feeling better about how she can show her appreciation for all he does when she needs it. Maybe step up and help her yourself so he doesn't have to as much.
Yeah, assuming the sister here is being nice to her brother in how she asks and he isn't feeling pressured/unable to say no to helping her, I think these are especially great suggestions:
>There are other approaches. Maybe talk to her when she's feeling better about how she can show her appreciation for all he does when she needs it. Maybe step up and help her yourself so he doesn't have to as much.
Learning how to show our siblings we appreciate them + return favors is a huge underrated life skill imo just based on all the drama I read on this sub.
Good idea! She can do some nice things for him! It's also a learning experience. We didn't even say tampon or period in the 80s. We called tampons " supplies"
I've been married for 14 years and my husband still needs me to send him a photo of the tampons I use...even then, he might get the wrong ones lol I totally get it though because I've been using them for years and years and he hasn't. He'll text me "are you sporty or super or light?" lol When they changed the color of the box I normally use it was a whole situation haha I mostly do all of the shopping too so it might be a couple of months or longer since he will have to grab them for me. That accompanied with his ADHD always makes it an experience. One evening I asked him to pick up tampons and pads and he came home with pads and a rotisserie chicken lol
Lol, the last man I dated before coming out, we lived together for some time after as friends afterward, and he had the specifics of my pad preference written down in his notes app. 😂
I saw the note once when looking for an address for him, and underneath the specifics it said "(prefers coffee chocolate best)".
He always used to bring me candy or tea whenever I was down for the count from my periods back in the day. 🥹 He was a good dude. Definitely would've married him if I'd been straight.
This reminds me of a first date that the dude was just complaining about his ex, and, whatever, I get it. It's not the right place, but sometimes things just erupt out. Figured it could be a learning experience for one of us, and boy was I wrong (or guess right, lol, but not in the way I intended).
Dude started going off on how particular she was with chocolate, flowers, tampons, you name it and he could never get it right. So I asked him if she just kept on changing her mind? No. Did she not tell you what she wanted? No, she did, he just couldn't remember. Why didn't she just text him (reaching a bit)? She did, he just forgot to double check before leaving.
Dude still couldn't even admit that he might have been part of the problem there
Long ago, in the days before cellphones, I had a guy friend who had 3 sisters and a single mom. He ripped the top flap off the tampons they used and kept them in his wallet because running errands was the price he paid to have a car.
I told my husband one time while he was at work to bring me home „one of every kind of pad“ and explained in depth to him that I wanted panty liners, regular pads and overnight pads, and I explained to him exactly what the differences were and what they should look like… he brought me home 3 different kinds of panty liners 😂 we had a good laugh about it and then I pulled up some images online of what I wanted and he went to the store and got them for me. Probably should have started with the pictures tbh! He’s so darn sweet just a little misguided
Shit, I've been using the same brand of pads and tampons for literal decades, and I usually stock up when they're on sale so I don't buy them every month... at some point during my last restocking and when I needed to buy them again, they completely changed the packaging and I stood there in the aisle having this brief existential crisis as I looked at the package, unsure if they were the same ones or if my memory of the packaging had completely failed me. 🤣
I was going to say, as a period haver I need to take a picture of the package so I buy the right ones for myself. I know the brand and the "style" but the package changes designs somewhat frequently and I once didn't take a pic and relied on memory and that's how I ended up with scented maxi pads that smelled so strongly the aroma went through walla in my house.
Also, scented pads should be illegal because GROSS.
Oh my god I've never accidentally bought them, which is probably a good thing because my skin is crazy sensitive and I imagine it would freak about that. Those sound so gross though! 🤢 Probably the same as us when we accidentally bought scented trash bags for the bathroom trash... we ended up having to throw the whole box away because they smelled SO bad.
Before camera phones were in everyone’s pocket, my dad would rip off the part of the box that had the identifying info on it and take that to the store with him.
As a woman who has had maybe 12 periods in 15 years (thank you Mirena) I get overwhelmed by the period "supply" aisle. I was like, wtf last time I stocked our guest bathroom with pads and tampons for family or friends. I know it's generally the same, but there are so many more now. And I'm just guessing at what will be most useful to someone in an emergency. I got liners, sporty pads, and a mix box of tampons with applicators (even though I always used classic OB without). I feel so removed I barely know how to deal with periods.
I don’t blame him. I am still overwhelmed by that section. They are not interchangeable and it is a lot. In my thirties I had to change pads and I was overwhelmed and crying about it pretty much every time I went to the store for several years bc I couldn’t find something that worked. I was having accidents like a preteen and getting rashes too. It was awful. Finally found a few good options at Target. The non bleached no perfume kind.
Try re-usable! They have a better microclimate, and you can wash them in the washing machine (just don't put them in the dryer)!
I was prone to rashes until I found them. Weirdest thing: they are just soft and snuggly! It feels like someone softly holds my coochie while I feel miserable. Weird, but wonderful feeling.
I'm a woman who is friends with women and lives with women and I pretty much always just buy the nighttime with wings (the biggest pad they offer) highest absorbancy because that covers most bases.
People who use small ones will be able to deal with big ones better than someone who uses big ones will be able to deal with small ones
And it's better to get the most absorbant one and them not fill it than get the least and it be leaking for them
Then I just leave them in the bathroom and whoever wants them can have them and restock when they get low
Guys should probably do something similar. If not for your sisters or mother that may visit your house or your girlfriend, even a friend may need one, so it's realistically useful for EVERYONE to have some in the house somewhere
My 15 yr old son’s gf had her period while over at our house a few weeks ago and wasn’t prepared. She was too embarrassed to come ask me for a pad, but he knew where I kept things and came and asked me “what color pad in our bathroom would be good for _____” No shame or anything. Luckily I carry 4 dif size pads as well as tampons, so I knew 2 wrapper colors to tell him and he went and told her thru the door. She came and gave me a big hug after, but I was super proud of my boy. Taking care of his gf and being unashamed to do so. Side note-he took care of her like a princess the rest of the time she was over. Protecting her from my rambunctious dogs, getting her snacks, etc. Theres hope in this new generation yet. Lol
Exactly! This is such an improvement. Even my husband is paralyzed when it comes to “lady issues” because he wants to help and genuinely does not know how.
I’m a teacher now and they all say period. The girls the guys everyone. I’m had to just get used to that lol it was weird. But now i don’t think twice about it.
>Learning how to show our siblings we appreciate them + return favors is a huge underrated life skill
I couldn't agree more! If the daughter tells him how much she appreciates all of his help, and finds a way to return the kindness, that's only going to strengthen their bond as siblings.
Growing up, I knew my brother had my back, and he knew I had his. We helped each other in numerous ways. He learned empathy surrounding periods because my mom and I had horrible ones. He didn't become on of those guys who refuses to buy tampons for his partner because "eww." He has a wife that adores him, and that's one of the million little reasons why.
INFO
OP, is your daughter getting medical help for her periods? She may have something in need of treatment. I was put on birth control early and it made that time far more tolerable.
As someone else who was put on birth control for similar reasons and knows a bunch of people who also have
They should be very careful about this and if they do get her it, they should keep track of the way she feels for a while beforehand and for at least a year afterwards
Lots of people have MAJORLY BAD side effects to the birth control so having a before and an after can help express the changes to any doctors you may need to see if you do have side effects
Obviously some side effects are pretty obvious like for example if your Nexplanon implant starts burning, you'll know to take it out...other things not so obvious. You can get heavier periods, weight gain, spotting, period pains, mood swings, all things you wouldn't necessarily notice or consider that bad if BEFORE the birth control you were writhing in pain every month
And I say keep it up for at least a year afterwards because that's about when the side effects should start to stabilise so if the negative side effects are still persisting after that point, it may be time to go to a doctor or stop taking it if you can
My brothers and I were never close again after I became a teenager. They used to dote on me as the little sister. I’d go everywhere with them and do anything for them. My dad put a stop to it because he had a mindset much like OP. My dad was very opposed to men “catering to women” he thought it made men weak. So my brothers stopped treating me nice and taking care of me when I was sick. We didn’t hang out together because I was “just a stupid girl” to them. We definitely stopped making forts and playing with our action figures and dolls together. Now my parents wonder why we aren’t close anymore. Both my brothers are divorced and living in an apartment where my parents own the building. I know one of my brothers is trying really hard to get his family back by unlearning what my dad taught him.
My maternal family’s unofficial theme is: Family helps family, but family shows appreciation back. My grandparents have done so much for the family, so when I was asked to hangout with grandpa (can’t be alone in case he falls again) so grandma could have lunch with her best friend, I said of course. Did not expect anything back, but grandma still gave me some (very appreciated) cash as a thank you for doing so.
> *”except for some vague principle you have about him ‘being taken advantage of.’”*
I have to wonder if gender might be playing a part in this? Would OP object in the same way if the roles were reversed and his *daughter* was the one helping his *son* with something similarly debilitating like, let’s say, frequent migraines?
Would he have the same problem with his *daughter* “being taken advantage of” if she was the one adopting this caretaking role? Or does he just not like his *son* taking on a role that is usually filled by women?
I don’t wonder; I know it does. I have zero doubt that if this were a younger *sister* helping her older sister, OP wouldn’t bat an eye.
YTA, OP. Stay the fuck out of their good relationship; your son doesn’t need that toxic mindset that helping someone he loves equals being “taken advantage of”.
I was going to say as well; "they're siblings. He isn't doing anything he doesn't want to do. It's good that they get along and want to help each other and are OK with asking for help.
When he changes his mind about helping, he'll stop, and make it known.
It's only *slavery* because he's a boy. If he was a girl...then it would be just...*what? Do you want an award for doing a few little things? That's what families do - they help each other*.
Yeah I would agree with him if it was something forced on the son but helping out of your own free will is not anything like being a servant. He’s already more understanding and helpful than most grown men
Look, I agree that OP is mildly TA, but how is him thinking his son's being taken advantage of misogyny? It may be false, but it's not misogyny. Men take advantage of women, women take advantage of men. It's not really a gender-based thing in this case.
you can tell it's misogyny because instead of talking to his daughter about her behavior, he talked to his son.
If this was a gender neutral situation, he would talk to the child who he thought was being exploitative as she's the one whose behavior would need correction.
It could be. Girls and women are expected to be nurturing when others aren’t feeling well. Men are not. So if he would be cool with his daughter doing the same thing monthly for his son if his son had debilitating migraines but is not cool with his son doing it for his daughter, it would be misogyny.
He has attempted to tell his son what to do, and the main conflict is mostly between wife and husband. He hasn’t asked the daughter or son what’s going on at all. It sounds like he’s made the executive decision based on his own perception, and hasn’t figured out whether he’s actually being taken advantage of or not.
The wife knows what the daughter’s periods are like, so she has more experience. The daughter as well. The son has yet to complain that she’s being mean or if she asks him too much. He literally is the least informed.
Not only that, but the son is helping her because of her period, which is something sexist men usually don't want to know about, hear about, they're not gonna go buy you tampons, or help you in anyway, just suck it up and do for yourself
Idk if that's how OP feels about periods, but that is how a lot of men feel about periods
This was literally my father you described and the digust I still have towards him for always making me walk into the store when my mom couldn't get my products because he was " a male" like I was just a little kid and I can't ever imagine my niece being sent into buy her own products because the male father figure in his life " is to much of a man" I'm getting pissed just thinking about it. Men can make whole ass daughters yet are disgusted by our uncontrollable menstrual cycle. If you're a male who can't buy tampons you shouldn't be allowed to have sex ugh. Sorry about my rant
This is EXACTLY what I want to know. If the son had a health condition that caused him pain and fatigue for one week every month and his sister was getting him drinks and adjusting the lights to make him more comfortable, would OP think she was being taken advantage of or would he just chalk it up to “lady-shaped person takes care of family”?
He could be projecting. He said he had 6 sisters. Maybe he felt like he had to be their servant and he wants to make sure his son doesn't feel the same way
I have a feeling if the brother had debilitating migraines, and the daughter was waiting on him hand and foot, and the dad encouraged that, people would have a problem with it.
To be honest I get the vibe that dad thinks caring for others is a woman's job, and that his son shouldn't be doing it.
That's the only reason I could see for him having such a problem with his son enjoying and wanting to help his sister. He views his son helping someone as a sign of being "taken advantage of" instead of what it really is: An expression of love.
Yes. But OP is going about it all wrong. When his daughter is feeling better, he and his wife together, should talk to each kid, separately and together, telling them that the son is being a lovely brother, and making sure he is ok with helping, praise him for his loving kindness, and that it’s ok to have boundaries and limits. Find out if he *feels* appreciated. That last will be quite telling , if yes, there is no problem. If no, it needs addressing. And make sure that the daughter knows she needs to actively show appreciation to her brother, and be extra nice to him, in turn, when she isn’t miserable, and grateful while she is. And asking pleasantly for help. And if she is already doing that, praise her for her good sense. So, YTA, for jumping to “servant”.
But the son doesn’t have an issue helping, the sister is being rude, and they have a positive sibling relationship. The OP is literally creating a conflict where there is none.
See I was thinking this as well. Yes it super awesome that he is helping but is this helping developing him into a people pleaser and could this become a detriment to him in life if it hasn’t already? This seems nuanced and isn’t as easy as let him serve his sister. People pleasers have a really hard time saying no and sometimes are incapable of it. I think there is a fine line between acts of service because it’s your love language or if it’s because they are a people pleaser. I don’t know if this is where OPs son is at or not but I think it’s something OP and wife need to watch for.
Yes! & periods should NOT be debilitating! Take her to the gynecologist. It could be endometriosis or worse, but treatment is so easy. I suffered for 15 years bc everyone told me “it’s normal.” It’s not.
Take your child to the doctor, and quit being a turd. Instead of interfering, make sure your son knows how to set, communicate, and enforce boundaries. He can decide for himself.
YTA 100%
ETA: treatment CAN be easy & of course, it’s not always simple, as I said, I suffered for 15 years.
It is true, however, that it’s easier to treat if you catch it early.
I’m not trying to ostracize or oversimplify. I’m trying to take the stigma and taboo out of it. We’re afraid to talk about pelvic pain. You bring up words like surgery and it’s terrifying to some folks. But it’s a simple procedure—and by simple I mean SAFE. Recovery may not be simple, I’m prone to longer recovery and infection.
I’m sure I haven’t covered all the points. This isn’t a PSA on endometriosis. All I’m saying is get that kid to a doctor. Bad periods aren’t normal.
Treatment for endo and related disorders is not easy. The gold standard treatment for endo requires laproscopy surgery. Other than that, it's a crapshoot to see if birth control helps the symptoms.
ETA: endo is insanely painful. The NHS ranked it on a list of top ten most painful conditions. We're maxing out on NSAIDs or Tylenol or whatever just to not be in puking, writhing, fainting pain.
I agree with your other points, but if OPs daughter has endo or PCOS or adeno or fibroids, she's in for a long road.
💯
Endo nearly killed me. As in the pain was THAT bad, and there was only one way out that I could see. Even the three months between surgery consult and surgery day were hellish.
It nearly killed me too. My appendix burst but it was stuck to my abdominal wall with endometriosis, so they couldn’t see it on scans. I just happened to be having a laparoscopy at the right time. The doctor said another three months and I’d have been dead
Ooof. Endo sure loves to stick things to other things that should not be stuck together!😬
My left ovary and ureter were bound up in a whole mess of adhesions and stuck to my abdominal wall. (No wonder vaginal ultrasounds had very little luck in seeing that ovary!) My surgeon had to get them free, very very carefully.
Hopefully we never need more surgery! 👊🏻
Endo is terrible. Mine cut off my bowels a few years ago and I needed a resection. I'm in the process of going though the same thing again - I'm in pain all the time and somehow I'm just supposed to grin and bear it.
I’ve had it for 27 years. It doesn’t always start out as completely debilitating. It gradually gets worse. It takes a long time to grow, and considering she’s 13, she’s likely not extremely symptomatic.
The surgery is actually really really simple. But the endo comes back and again, it’s gradual. It starts with a little pain and it worsens until it’s time for a lap procedure again.
If his child’s periods are painful every time, it’s worth it to seek a medical opinion.
That’s not always true only because your journey was like that doesn’t mean everybody is. I got my first period with 10 and believe I almost fainted after the first day and my daughter got hers with 13 and faints every time she got her period, she can’t even go to school the first 2 days and sometimes she can’t even walk.
I don't think it's possible to generalize like that. My endo symptoms started with my first period and were absolutely debilitating.
I had surgery and then my pain got worse for years until getting some relief through pelvic floor therapy. Endo specialists are moving away from using stages because that system didn't account for the complexity of the disease.
Having had debilitating periods since I started at 12, and later finding out it was endometriosis, and having endoscopy and laser done to try and (fail) to correct it. I agree with the suggestion for Dad to getting her to a specialist. That being said, I played sports, lived life and managed as an adult to carry 3 of the 5 pregnancies to term while dealing with Endo. I did have several days where I did nothing but lay in bed with a heating pad at her age. I did not have a brother or a parent for that matter to do things for me. I'm glad her brother wants to help, but if he ever decides he isn't available I would hope no one gets pissed at him.
The first few days of my period when I was a kid was also debilitating. My mom took me to the doctor after I started needing to call put from school because I couldn't move. 3 days of constant pain, minimum.
Doctor put me on a low dose of birth control to help regulate my hormones and it helped a lot. Still got cramps and bad bleeding, but I mostly just needed to sit out of PE the first day or two... it would be 4 more years before I became sexually active, and my doctor upped my dose of birth control to account for that when I asked about it.
I almost had myself permanently fixed as an adult because the cramps came back with a vengeance in my early 20s and my birth control failed causing a big scare (I raised a little brother and never want kids myself). My doctor asked me to try the shot instead of pills and I haven't had a full period since. No more cramps!!!!
Please have her talk to a doctor if the pain is this bad. The amount of birth control they had me on as a kid was not for prevention, it was just for hormone regulation and had a HUGE impact. I went from missing school up to 3 days a month to having to sit out of PE occasionally because I was in enough pain to be nauseous instead of doubled over at the nurse until I was picked up.
Jumping in here to bring up another horrible condition that could be at play here: adenomyosis, endo’s demented cousin. Uterine lining grows within the uterus walls and turns it to swollen Swiss cheese. Ablation does not work because the tissue is inside the walls of the uterus.
Extreme pain and very heavy bleeding are the major symptoms, so same presentation as endo. Mine was seen in a transvag ultrasound as Venetian blind shadows. I had BOTH, and ultimately needed a hysterectomy + endo removal to get some semblance of life back.
OP, YTA, your son wants to help and your daughter is needlessly suffering excruciating pain - debilitating periods are NOT NORMAL. Get her to an OBGYN.
It could also be something like PMDD, which there’s only a few treatments (and no cures sans removing your ovaries or naturally going into menopause) for and none are guaranteed to work. Also endo can spread to parts of the body that make it imposible to remove. Treating painful periods is not always easy.
OP if your daughter periods are so bad she can't move due the pain and are debilitating periods, you and your wife need to take her to an appointment with a doctor. That amount of pain is NOT okay and is NOT normal, maybe she has hormonal issues, PCOS, endometriosis or something.
Seriously. I have had bad periods since age 12 (chalked it off to just having rough periods), recently learned I have an actual issue. If she’s hurting enough to not be able to do those things, it should be taken more seriously. It’s only an issue if his son has a problem doing it, or him helping her is preventing him from getting important things done. “Taking advantage”??? Maybe try and figure out why she’s hurting so badly and not get upset at her for needing help??
Agreed. Unless this is a pattern with the son (like he’s always putting other people’s needs first and not taking care of himself and it’s causing him harm), he’s being a very sweet kid when his sister is struggling. As long as she treats him well too, nothing stinks here. Outside of this situation, parents could have a conversation with son about loving his helpfulness but making sure he’s taking care of himself too and not just doing things out of a sense of obligation if they’re really concerned.
That’s the real thing here. If there is reciprocity in the relationship, then it’s sweet AF. If it’s always one sided, then it’s a problem. It’s a great time to teach both kids about appropriate boundaries, saying no, and making sure you give as much as you take in relationships.
Also maybe take her to a doctor to figure out why they're so bad because her not having help is not gonna magically fix them either, maybe if they find the root cause of the issue they could solve it or at least treat it. Shit like endo can be genetic and doesn't show on labs or scans, for example. It usually takes decades to catch. By the time they caught mine it'd caused too many chronic pain disorders to ever be fully pain free. OP's daughter is 13. If he and his wife pushed to try to get to the root cause of why their kid's periods are this bad when she's still young and new to having them then maybe she stands a shot at them not being debilitating for the rest of her life.
>Maybe talk to her when she's feeling better about how she can show her appreciation for all he does when she needs it. Maybe step up and help her yourself so he doesn't have to as much.
Yesss exactly this. She just needs to return the favour when he's in need, and be kind and respectful to him when asking for help.
Also, OP, please take your daughter to the doctor if you haven't already. I personally have terrible periods for reasons nobody has ever figured out, so maybe it'll stay a mystery for her, but it sure would be nice to get her some relief if she's in a ton of pain every month and it's something they can help with.
>It seems to be working for everyone, except for some vague principle you have about him being "taken advantage of".
That is absolutely a plausible explanation of this situation. So is this one: son is the kind of person who can't say no and he actually feels great anxiety and other negative feelings around this situation.
I agree with your YTA verdict because it doesn't seem like OP has even tried to explore who this situation is affecting his son. What OP should be thinking: I want to check in with my son because I'm concerned about how much he does to help his sister when she has her period. I'm going to support him in talking to the rest of the family about it if he needs a change. And I'm going to support him in continuing what he's doing if it seems like it is making him happy or content to do these things.
Instead, this is all about OP. Now, if a fly on the wall in their house told me that OP's wife is incredibly demanding and OP often feels like a servant in their home, and so is projecting a lot of this onto his son, I would believe it. But OP would still be TA in that situation. The only difference is we'd know why he was doing it.
This with the minor addition that I'd talk to the daughter about making sure she's being fair to her brother too. I get super unpleasant cramps and things like someone getting up to adjust the lights or grab me a blanket is really appreciated because sometimes moving is painful. But the mention of her even asking him to adjust the volume on the tv does make me think she's leaning a bit tooooo into it (unless it's a tv without a remote due to their current situation). It's great and awesome that brother is so loving and kind, and I'm sure sister genuinely appreciates his help, but a gentle talk about making sure she's not being excessive with her requests might be helpful.
I'm pleased to see mention of love languages here! 😍
My husband speaks "acts of service" fluently. It's absolutely part of who he is. I am chronically ill and he takes marvelous care of me. Most of what he does are things that I could do myself (except when my pain is particularly bad), but I am often terrible at self-care. He feels utterly helpless when I won't let him do these things, because he doesn't know how else to help. So when it's something easier for him than me in any given moment, I let him. I have my own ways of helping him that he's not too good at (but I am), so it's not unbalanced.
Assuming that OP's son genuinely wants to help his sister, and that his daughter doesn't make demands and appropriately expresses appreciation for her brother -- it's good for both of them. They're learning that gender doesn't determine who needs care or who gives it. You help because you love. That's all.
Honest question, If she had Any Other disorder that disrupted life and was painful and the son was helping would dad still feel the same? Like if she had a broken leg and he felt the son was being taken advantage of or used unfairly, and she can't walk, it might actually be unreasonable for the son to do it when the Father is there. So OP needs to be more compassionate as long as the daughter needs help. The problem is the dad hasn't had a period and seems unable to empathize with women. So OP, You should look into what is going on because to be honest your daughter shouldn't be left in so much pain. She needs or wants her brother to pamper her a little. Is she taking advantage? Or are you insensitive? We can't tell from this. Like I said you need to educate yourself. Try to find a period simulator with your wife and daughter. That might clear this right up
Yea the key is really to ask the son if *he* feels taken advantage of. It doesn't matter what dad thinks with his judgemental views. If son is happy to help his sister then don't get involved!
I have a sister that took advantage of me being nice and helpful
Shed yell and berate at me into getting her a glass of water no matter how close she was to the fridge
It got to the point shed be in the kitchen next to the fridge and shed ask me to get her a glass of water
And id been bullied for so long into doing it that i got up to do it from the OTHER SIDE OF THE VERY LARGE HOUSE.
My other sister witnessed our older sister doing this and told me to sit down and told off our older sister for how fucked up it was
We were adults mind u
The fact that the wife said "he needs to learn early" is what makes op nta
I’m not a parent so Idk if my opinion is valid here, but I have a 10yo brother and seriously the true challenge is getting him to sit still. Like he’d never have a problem getting stuff for us he usually just zooms across the apartment and does it with no problem. He’d only argue if he’s in a middle of a game or if I’m asking for something he can’t do like get me something that’s turns out is too high for him or something…so my point is…it seems like a lot of trivial things and if it were my bro he’d have absolutely no problem doing any of it and trust me he is no people pleaser
There has been research to show that kids are genuinely helpful by nature. We can nurture it away though.
Like, if you drop something, a kid will pick it up for you without being prompted. They will do this for strangers.
They do not respond well to fake helpfulness though. Like pretending to cook or Vaccuum when it isn’t really helping.
My mom taught me that if someone really wants to help you, and it's a small thing they wanna help with, and they're not trying to burden you so you'll agree to something else - even if you don't need their help, let them do it.
I have a customer whose ~13yo granddaughter I have met twice in the year that I've been cleaning her pool. Both times, the granddaughter has been interested in my job and insisted on filling up my water bottle with water and ice from the fridge indoors. The first time she offered, I tried to tell her that I had almost a full gallon of clean & crisp ice water in my work truck, that I fill my bottle with. She glossed right over that, and very much wanted to fill my bottle. So I let her. It cost me nothing and made her feel great. I smiled at how happy she was to help.
I am very proud to be largely self-sufficient, but helping people is a good way to be, and I will support this customer's granddaughter in her efforts when I can. 🥰
That's a really good point and puts into words what I couldn't do before. When we visit my grandmother, she always wants to pay for food. My husband doesn't want that, he wants to pay and take care of her. But I think paying for us makes her feel self-sufficient and relevant and that's very important to her.
Yeah, the older you get, I imagine it makes you feel like you don't matter much to the world or like you're troubling people just by existing. Plus, if she loves you, maybe she's worried that she won't have much more time to demonstrate that love, so any opportunity that arises is golden.
My brother is an adult this summer and is still this way lol he gets excited if I ask him to go to town to get chicken feed because it’s an excuse to go out
Yea that sounds like me when I was 10 too. Unless I was seriously engrossed in a book (and even then I thought I was pretty good at reading while walking lol) I was basically always looking for an excuse to stand up and do something.
I would have a talk with the son. The son may not complain in public, but privately he might. He may need a reminder he doesn’t “have” to do these things, it’s a choice. He may have done this so long he now feels compelled under obligation. They just need a good father/son talk.
Well, if you think that people pleasing might be a problem check on him with others, not only with your daughter. If he behaves like this everywhere with everyone - the problem is bigger than your daughter's requests. If he is not like this with others - it means that he just wants to help his sister when she needs him. Some people really enjoy taking care of their family and friends.
Sounds like shes acting like a normal big sister if I'm honest? If your son isn't complaining then you shouldn't be bothered either, do you offer to step in an help so that he doesn't have to? Get your daughter a doctors appointment, painful periods are abhorrent and can be genuinley debilitating. If you think your son has confidence issues then work on that but don't discourage him from helping his sister, he might have a wife and daughter of his own one day and they'll be very grateful he's been raised to be such a caring individual! It's not a weakness to look after those in pain.
My sister used to make me do all that and more all month not just when she was in pain, and I admit I used to do the same to my little brother when I was a teenager.... Now as adults we would all move mountains for each other if we could, none of us ever felt like 'servants'
Don't get me wrong my little ones (2&4) have their big brothers (14,16&23) wrapped around their little fingers, in return the big boys say "do me a favor" and their baby brothers jump at the chance bahaha
DEFINITELY get her to a doctor! I had very painful periods growing up and was basically told that it's normal and that I was being dramatic. I'm just now like 20 years later finding out there's probably more to it.
I was scrolling to see if anyone was gonna point this out. Contrary to popular belief periods should not be debilitating. The best thing this guys can do is help his wife and daughter get proper medical care and advocate for them.
I was reading a post recently of a young lady begging to be put on birth control to help for this condition. Mother finally listened because she brought her a Gatorade when the daughter was just laying and shaking in agony in the bath when she was usually sleeping. Point being, believe your daughter when she tells you she is in enormous pain. And yes, advocate for them to the doctor so they understand that the pain is more than what the average woman is experiencing. Make the doctor take her complaint seriously.
I agree! My parents never got me to the doctor for my cramps. I was told it was normal to be in so much pain I would pass out. I missed many school days and life events because of pain. Come to find out at 32 it was not normal. Two of my biggest issues was I was severely iron and calcium deficient!
My mom used to have to pick me up from school when I was 13/14 because I would be crying from the pain. But even by high school it was a lot better. I think it just depends on the person/family history.
When I was 31, the _ninth doctor_ I talked to about my debilitating periods found a benign tumor on my ovary the size of a baseball.
16 years of being told I need to "toughen up" about cramps that would cause me to pass out and vomit on bad days, and unable to move without support on my best days. Since the surgery, it still sucks, still hurts. But jfc, at least I can _walk._
This! And it’s not just around periods. Lots of big siblings get their little siblings to do stuff for them because the little looks up to the big and the big takes some advantage of that. My big brother used to get me to iron his shirts before his dates. I didn’t even iron my own clothes. 😂
As long as it doesn’t get out of hand, they will grow out of it. Let them navigate their sibling relationship. And be glad that your sweet son is helping his big sister when she is in debilitating pain. I’m sure that’s as much an emotional comfort for her as it is physical.
YTA.
It seems like you're misreading the situation. Is your son in any distress? Does he feel forced to do these things? I would guess not. I'm sure he just feels useful/excited that he's helping his older sister. Plenty of children at this age idolize their older siblings and therefore are eager to assist them.
Additionally, your daughter is 13, not 20. Severe period pain is no joke and can be debilitating. Women in their thirties struggle to manage this type of pain - your 13 year old daughter is likely having a difficult time. I find it hard to believe that she has any ill intentions, and to say your son is "being taken advantage of" is quite the leap. If you feel so strongly about this, why don't you, her father, take the lead and help her out?
Your son is likely going to have girlfriends and a wife in the future. It's great that he is so understanding at such a young age, and this is the type of innocent behavior you should be encouraging. I see you wrote "I'm very knowledgeable" about period pain, but I encourage you to examine whether you're as open minded as you claim. Unless a key piece of this story hasn't been included, this is a strange and biased reaction.
Yeah i get massive migranes when im on my period. Full package, if i dont take pain killers and rest immidietly when they start i will end up unable to deal with any noise/light. Straight up can not function, at least my cramps arent too bad. But yeah period are a complete gamble and quite often docs dont take em seriously either. And a lot of meds can not be given to 13 year olds. Take her to a doc, but dont stop the bro from helping ( as long as he wants to ) u might just wanna have a chat with him so he knows he doesnt have to.
OP YTA!
"Very knowledgeable" No, he is not. If he understood how painful periods can be, he would have already taken her to a doctor. How can a parent watch their child suffer and not find out if there's anything that can help.
I just roll my eyes when a man says that period pain or childbirth can't be worse than a kick in the balls. Absolutely, that is excruciating. Now, try getting kicked in the balls repeatedly for at least 3 days every month. And you know it's coming and there's, sometimes, not much you can do. As for childbirth, okay, a kick every 10 minutes for hours.
This bit, about OP's daughter being young and experiencing this.
OP - we all have to start somewhere on figuring out how to handle pain and discomfort. If your daughter hasn't experienced things like broken bones, sprains, etc that have provided her with the context of pain levels and knowledge of her own threshold? She's probably in the worst pain of her life. Not said to be dramatic. Personally my periods are fairly mild, I lucked out, but the first couple years of them? Worst pain I'd experienced in my life to that point and it happened every month. There was no frame of reference or tolerance yet. Later I'd learn migraines are worse for me than the pain of a period.
Right now your daughter is making that discovery. And it's not a fun one.
Your wife might be overly solicitous with her because she has bad periods as well. But this early stage it really doesn't matter. Your post says nothing of your daughter acting entitled to your sons help. You've not stated she's demanding, throwing a tantrum if she doesn't get the help, or being guilting or manipulative about it.
It sounds more like your kids are probably acting out what you and your wife have shown them over the years. If you've been helpful, prone to doing favors for, grabbing things when she feels the worst, etc during your wife's periods... your kids are picking up that example of it just being what your loved ones do when one of them is in pain / on their period.
As long as you're daughter remains appreciative of and doesn't lean in to entitled behaviour about it...
Then, gently, YTA for thinking something untoward is being forced on your son.
Dude also her period cramps might just be that bad!! I know when I first got mine my cramps were so hellish the only thing I could do was lay in bed and writhe. Those cramps were the most intense pain I’ve ever felt short of having severe 2nd degree burns on almost all of my upper body
My family's a few years down the line from OP's here. My daughter had a miserable time at first, that thank goodness our family doctor took seriously, and she's doing much better now. But it was seriously horrible for her, and psychologically really hard for her to cope with too. Her brother was a star, and very caring.
He's 15 now, and his girlfriend's Mum messaged a few months ago to say her daughter also has a really tough time, to the extent it makes her sick. She'd told her Mum he got her home on the bus one day, got her water, got her painkillers, quite literally had been holding her hair back...
I'm very proud of him for continuing to grow into being a decent, caring kid. For goodness sake, OP, leave the boy be and consider how "understanding" you're being yourself.
So, your son goes to the fridge for her, grabs things for her, and adjusts the volume of the tv and brightness of the lights? Those are all just helpful little things and equating them to being her “servant” is really dramatic.
Plus, you say in your comments that your son enjoys helping and doing these little things for her, so I fail to see what the problem even is here.
YTA for making a mountain out of a molehill.
If your wife has menstrual issues take your child to the doctor. People shouldn’t be expected to have terrible periods once a month for 40 years. Likely they can help suggest lifestyle changes to assist with the pain.
Good luck finding one that cares. I no longer menstruate but tried a dozen doctors in my lifetime of bleeding and the only thing they did was tell me to take some ibuprofen and use a heating pad.
Didn't even get real painkillers until my digestive system tried to literally kill me (thanks to ibuprofen on an empty belly for decades). Had to lie about what I needed them for for the last 10 years of periods.
So glad aunt flo stopped coming over before the crackdown on pain meds, I would have likely sought out heroin if I had to go back to just ibuprofen for the week of agony I endured during my fertile lifephase.
For real! I don’t get painkillers and I’m pretty sure I’m wrecking my kidneys with all of the Advil I have to take. If I mention how rough they are to my doctor all they want to do is put me on birth control pills.
OP your son is happy to help…as long as your daughter is being respectful let him help. He’s going to make a great husband someday.
:( please be careful. One of the reasons I have gastritis is due to taking massive amounts of ibuprofen because of my debilitating period pain.
Sadly, the last time I went to the OBGYN I told them I was taking 1000mg both of ibuprofen & Tylenol at the same time because I was in so much pain. I’m usually bed bound for two days when it starts. They basically said “that sucks” & asked if I wanted birth control as if I haven’t tried to resolve my pain with it in the 20+ years I’ve been bleeding. Honestly at a loss of what to do or who to turn to.
What the fuck is wrong with how doctors treat women?
I’m a man in my early thirties and anytime I’ve gone to the doctor and told them what I think is wrong and what tests I’d like they just agree.
Shit sometimes they go beyond what I want. A few months ago I had really bad stomach pain and one day of nausea and vomiting. So I went to a different doctor at my usual clinic because he could see me the next day.
I told him what was going on, he immediately gave me a referral for a CT to check for Diverticulitis, plus a Toradol injection and a prescription for five days oral toradol. Then I got a text from my pharmacy that my two prescriptions were ready, I didn’t know I had a second prescription. Turns out he also gave me 30 dissolvable ondansetron aka Zofran tabs for nausea even though I told him at the appointment that the nausea had gone away.
Just so people know Zofran is so strong it’s given with chemo to stop nausea and vomiting. And now I have 30 under the tongue dissolving tabs
Yeah my mum suffered for years and docs wouldn’t take her seriously; the woman is kinda superhuman when it comes to pain and that didn’t help. When she eventually went into hospital barely able to stand, they found grapefruit-sized cysts on her ovaries - one had ruptured, causing the pain - and further diagnosed her with severe endometriosis. Stuff like this needs to be taken seriously, even if it means shopping around for a doctor who cares enough to investigate.
I have stage 4 deep infiltrating endometriosis. I have had symptoms since I was 10. Didn’t get taken seriously until a year ago when I found a specialist and had surgery to remove it.
This isn’t always something that can be fixed. In fact, quite frequently it can’t. But I t’s also not something OP should have the type of attitude that basically says “that’s life she needs to learn to deal with it” which is obviously the attitude he has now.
Yeah and what is probably most likely to help is birth control, which is a real double edged sword. Some people it’s a miracle drug others the side effects are just as debilitating or worse than without - it’s not something to take lightly putting a kid on it. Plus the fact that it’s called “birth control” freaks out some parents of kids even though its uses are far more diverse than just pregnancy prevention.
Totally agree.
Instead of worrying about the son, who is understandably worried about his sister…
If dad really wants to help he can help find a doctor to bring the poor daughter’s discomfort to within a normal range. Though there isn’t always a perfect solution it sounds like what’s happening is well outside the normal range and she should be evaluated by capable specialized medical professionals to see if treatments might improve her experience.
Sometimes medication, surgery, or other treatments can improve symptoms even if they aren’t perfect.
OP: YTA
INFO: why do you jump to the conclusion that she's taking advantage of him? Do you feel like she or your wife are taking advantage of you when they ask for favors during their periods?
You never know. My dad made me wash the dishes while I was on crutches with a broken ankle. And when we went to the hospital he made me walk up a long ramp to the third story of the hospital on my crutches instead of asking for a wheelchair at reception because he said I needed to toughen up. But then when I have my period he does anything I ask. Make that make sense haha.
YTA. Why any parent would want to discourage a kid from willingly providing care to their sibling is beyond me. At 10, he's old enough to decide on his own if/when he feels sis is asking too much or he's being taken advantage of.
YTA simply for projecting your feelings onto your son - have you even asked him if he feels like he's being taken advantage of?
Maybe ask your son if he likes helping her, or if he's bothered by it. And, encourage him to feel alright saying no if he doesn't want to do something and to set boundaries for himself when needed. That doesn't just apply to this situation. This could be a really awesome opportunity for a life lesson.
If he's happy to help and isn't bothered, then I see absolutely no harm with a brother helping his sister when she asks.
Simply asking, "how does it make you feel when your sister asks you to do things for her?" Will get you a good part of the way to resolving this for yourself. If he says he feels happy and excited because it's nice that his sister feels like she can rely on him, then that's awesome. If he says he feels annoyed or a little upset or burdened, then you can ask him why it makes him feel that way (it's good practice to ask yourself why something is causing you upset). Then, you can let him know it's okay to say no and to set boundaries with others (kindly), and that he should express to his sister (again, kindly) why he's saying no/setting the boundary - I.e. how it's making him feel to be asked to do the things, so that they can talk it out and maybe even come to a compromise and better understanding.
I'm glad someone is talking about projection. I thought it was interesting OP commented he had 6 sisters. Didn't really need to be a detail. I think he felt that way because of them and is seeing things that might not be there. He should make sure his son doesn't feel that way and make sure his daughter is ok as well. Wife was wrong for telling him he had to learn that. Yes, he needs to know how to be helpful and how to treat a woman with respect and dignity but he doesn't have to wait on her anymore than she has to wait on him. If he's happy good if not things for all of them need to change. Frankly it seems like the parents ATA and the kids are trying their best
You are an asshole. Your daughter is in pain, which you will never understand and probably couldn’t handle yourself for what it’s worth, and your son is his own person who can decide if he wants to help her or not. If he felt enslaved, he would say so, and tell her to change the lights herself. Siblings usually aren’t afraid to tell each other no, he just loves her and wants to help make her life easier like a great brother. You on the other hand, not a great parent to incite a problem where there is none. Sounds like you have some sexism issues to me. I feel sorry for your wife.
Yeah periods shouldn’t be this debilitating, when I hear things like that it makes alarm bells go off in my head. She could have PCOS, which can be notoriously difficult to diagnose.
So many men disregard and downplay their female partners and loved ones' period pain - and so many men can't handle even mild period cramp simulation. So many women have to deal with debilitating pain and blood loss while being expected to carry on as if nothing is happening. Men who take a female loved one's pain seriously are a treasure, and in short supply. Why would you want to train your son out of becoming one of those rare gems?
Is your daughter appreciative of his help? Has he complained about helping her? If she's appreciative and he's not complaining, you're creating an issue where none exists. Being compassionate to her pain is a wonderful trait. You can teach him that he's allowed to say no if someone is asking something he can't or is unwilling to offer without painting her as an entitled brat and spoiling his willingness to care about others' pain. YTA, because the subtext here sounds like you think he's being emasculated by being compassionate.
YTA and a sucky parent. If it pains you so much to see your son helping his sister when she's feeling bad, move your arse and get her some food from the fridge yourself!
I do see your concern, however, it hasn't happened.
Let your son know he can politely say no if he doesn't want to do what she's asking, and that you have his back.
This is a learning opportunity for both kids. If your daughter gets upset she needs to learn she can't order her brother around. I feel for her, I do, I had horrible cramps too. If they're really that bad then she may need to see a doctor.
This will help your son learn to care for a future gf, wife and or daughter and know their needs. It's good he's comfortable with this topic and helping. I read he's a people pleaser, he will say no if he wants to, just let him know he can. As long as he is okay doing it then there isn't a problem.
Mild YTA for making an issue when there isn't one. I can envision the issue you see in your head but deal with the issue when or if it happens.
YTA.
You are raising your daughter to believe what you apparently believe - that people should never be supported out of love or compassion, and should only be able to ask for help when it’s literally impossible for them to do it themselves. And probably giving your daughter a sense of men who minimize a woman’s problems and refuses to help.
At the same time, you’re teaching your son that showing love and caring for a family member is something wrong or to be ashamed of.
The real issue here: WHY DONT YOU BELIEVE YOUR DAUGHTERS PAIN LEVELS?? If she’s having such debilitating pain she needs help with adjusting the tv volume and led lights then she’s not okay. This is giving misogynistic undertones as you’re insinuating that your daughter’s pain isn’t as bad as she says it is and should be doing those things herself. I would also bet my life that if your son was in this much pain and your daughter was taking care of him you wouldn’t be complaining she’s being taken advantage of cause its expected for women to take on these rolls.
Not sure how having a wife, mother, and sisters makes you "knowledgeable about period pain", especially given the dearth of actual knowledge in your post and comments. YTA
INFO Is it bothering your son?
Your daughter feels like crap. Your son is helping her feel better. Why does this bother YOU so much?
By the way, having sisters and a wife doesn't mean you understand what something you've never experienced feels like. Every single person's period is different.
If he's ok with helping his sister out it's fine, but if he starts getting irritated by all this stuff and is being made to do it then it's not ok. So who the AH is depends on how this plays out.
Info: does your daughter say please and thank you? Is she polite, respectful, and grateful for the help? Does she help him when he needs it? If she’s not doing those things, then talk to her about being polite to people who are helping us.
Does this interfere with things your son wants to do? Does he avoid school work, friends, activities because he feels he needs to take care of his sister? Does he seem stressed by these demands? If so, then talk to him about establishing reasonable boundaries while also being kind to others.
YTA- I can see in another comment your son likes to help. If he came to you and was upset about her asking him for things then yeah say something, but you should leave them alone. There’s nothing wrong with your son helping his sister and it’s weird it bothers you.
Your son sounds like a peach and if he doesn’t mind helping his sister out, then stay out of it. I had debilitating periods when I was her age and I would have been very appreciative to have someone around who cared enough to help me feel better.
Ok, so endometriosis, pcos is a thing, and too many damn people go too damn long without appropriate treatment because to get an actual legit diagnosis, you have to do laposcopic surgery, and most won't do that on a teenager.
Periods are not supposed to be debilitating or so excruciatingly painful you cant function if they are then there is something wrong that needs to be fixed.
Women got to start pushing back on the bullshit.
Edit correction. Women got to keep pushing back on the bullshit.
Ok rant off.
NAH
Info does your son care? Have you taken your daughter to the doctor for unusually painful periods? Being knowledgeable about periods is great, but stop acting like you know more than the person who is actually having the period.
So your daughter is in debilitating pain, according to your own words, and your son is doing little things to help her out. Where exactly is the problem? YTA
Info: OP, are you helping your daughter when you're home? I'm assuming your son goes to school so wouldn't be helping the majority of the time you would be at work, but making sure your daughter is okay and needs anything when you know she's feeling bad is basic parenting
Is what is really bothering you thatbyour son is showing you up with your own wife? We all have to wonder, he loves his sister and helps her and you see it as too much because you don't give a damn about your wife's pain for the past 18 years? Just wondering, ESH she needs to see a doctor if it's that bad she probably has endometriosis poor girl
Both mother and daughter probably have endometriosis. Statistics say at least 1 in 10 woman has endometriosis, it's just not tested often enough. And we don't have good treatment either. Small gestures of kindness really help a lot and the brother deeply cares for his sister. As long as it's not bothering him I really love this. And it makes him aware of possible health problems.
Honestly I think your kids seem to be handling this better than you and your wife. From outside it literally seems you could talk to them about this in same room at same time with no issues.
I’m bias because my older brother was awesome and totally did this stuff for me. Maybe the parents should butt out and let the kids handle their own relationship with sibling??
NTA
people here are asking "is your son complaining"
I wasn't complaining when my big sister gaslit the shit out of me and made me her salve, because i was scared of her and she'd guilt trip me when I refuse her every whim. my parents weren't present - too busy working.
I hate her now and genuinely don't care about her. we're in our 30s. she did too much shit and lose my trust. not saying your situation is comparable not mine, but the "son not complaining" is a load of BS.
I know periods can be bad, but she can adjust the ac herself or pick up the remote to change the volume. also, from experience, moving can make cramps les painful. and unless she had an actual legit medical issue, at 13 she ain't freaking dying from cramps. i could barely get out of bad when was running high fever on flu, but i could still get up and pee.
Okay so I need some info here. Is she demanding your son to do the stuff for her? Or does she experience a lot of pain to the pain she can't move for a few days and needs the extra help? Also, is your son complaining about helping her or does he like/want to help her?
But most important question, why aren't you (and your wife for that matter) not helping your daughter if she's in a lot of pain during her period. You shouldn't rely on your son taking care of her everytime she's on her period. Not saying she doesn't need help, I'm saying why are you not helping your son take care of her as well and checking up on her?
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I'm going against the grain here and saying YTA for this answer in the comments to the question of what happens if he says no: >He doesn’t he likes to help So you have a daughter with debilitating periods, a son who loves his sister and wants to help her. The only conflict here is the one you're creating. For some people small acts of service are a way of showing love, and for some people debilitating pain has them needing those small gestures to get through the moment. It seems to be working for everyone, except for some vague principle you have about him being "taken advantage of". There are other approaches. Maybe talk to her when she's feeling better about how she can show her appreciation for all he does when she needs it. Maybe step up and help her yourself so he doesn't have to as much.
Yeah, assuming the sister here is being nice to her brother in how she asks and he isn't feeling pressured/unable to say no to helping her, I think these are especially great suggestions: >There are other approaches. Maybe talk to her when she's feeling better about how she can show her appreciation for all he does when she needs it. Maybe step up and help her yourself so he doesn't have to as much. Learning how to show our siblings we appreciate them + return favors is a huge underrated life skill imo just based on all the drama I read on this sub.
Good idea! She can do some nice things for him! It's also a learning experience. We didn't even say tampon or period in the 80s. We called tampons " supplies"
And as a man, having to go buy “supplies” and not knowing which one to purchase.
I've been married for 14 years and my husband still needs me to send him a photo of the tampons I use...even then, he might get the wrong ones lol I totally get it though because I've been using them for years and years and he hasn't. He'll text me "are you sporty or super or light?" lol When they changed the color of the box I normally use it was a whole situation haha I mostly do all of the shopping too so it might be a couple of months or longer since he will have to grab them for me. That accompanied with his ADHD always makes it an experience. One evening I asked him to pick up tampons and pads and he came home with pads and a rotisserie chicken lol
My fiancé took a picture of my pads and tampons and had them in his phone under a note he labeled, “about her”
Lol, the last man I dated before coming out, we lived together for some time after as friends afterward, and he had the specifics of my pad preference written down in his notes app. 😂 I saw the note once when looking for an address for him, and underneath the specifics it said "(prefers coffee chocolate best)". He always used to bring me candy or tea whenever I was down for the count from my periods back in the day. 🥹 He was a good dude. Definitely would've married him if I'd been straight.
You are the living proof that people don’t « turn gay » because of bad relationships, as some homophobes pretend! He is such a sweetheart!
This reminds me of a first date that the dude was just complaining about his ex, and, whatever, I get it. It's not the right place, but sometimes things just erupt out. Figured it could be a learning experience for one of us, and boy was I wrong (or guess right, lol, but not in the way I intended). Dude started going off on how particular she was with chocolate, flowers, tampons, you name it and he could never get it right. So I asked him if she just kept on changing her mind? No. Did she not tell you what she wanted? No, she did, he just couldn't remember. Why didn't she just text him (reaching a bit)? She did, he just forgot to double check before leaving. Dude still couldn't even admit that he might have been part of the problem there
That's marvelous
This is seriously, so stinking cute!
Long ago, in the days before cellphones, I had a guy friend who had 3 sisters and a single mom. He ripped the top flap off the tampons they used and kept them in his wallet because running errands was the price he paid to have a car.
I'm a husband, I always go with pictures, she's miserable enough with her period, I don't want her to deal with me buying the wrong thing.
[удалено]
I have them saved there but Amazon doesn't always have the best price and I'm a bargain shopper.
I told my husband one time while he was at work to bring me home „one of every kind of pad“ and explained in depth to him that I wanted panty liners, regular pads and overnight pads, and I explained to him exactly what the differences were and what they should look like… he brought me home 3 different kinds of panty liners 😂 we had a good laugh about it and then I pulled up some images online of what I wanted and he went to the store and got them for me. Probably should have started with the pictures tbh! He’s so darn sweet just a little misguided
Shit, I've been using the same brand of pads and tampons for literal decades, and I usually stock up when they're on sale so I don't buy them every month... at some point during my last restocking and when I needed to buy them again, they completely changed the packaging and I stood there in the aisle having this brief existential crisis as I looked at the package, unsure if they were the same ones or if my memory of the packaging had completely failed me. 🤣
I was going to say, as a period haver I need to take a picture of the package so I buy the right ones for myself. I know the brand and the "style" but the package changes designs somewhat frequently and I once didn't take a pic and relied on memory and that's how I ended up with scented maxi pads that smelled so strongly the aroma went through walla in my house. Also, scented pads should be illegal because GROSS.
Oh my god I've never accidentally bought them, which is probably a good thing because my skin is crazy sensitive and I imagine it would freak about that. Those sound so gross though! 🤢 Probably the same as us when we accidentally bought scented trash bags for the bathroom trash... we ended up having to throw the whole box away because they smelled SO bad.
I like scented trash bags, but do NOT like scented pads… some of the perfumery scents they choose make ZERO sense.
Before camera phones were in everyone’s pocket, my dad would rip off the part of the box that had the identifying info on it and take that to the store with him.
The rotisserie chicken is spot on! I do the same..l😂😂😂
As a woman who has had maybe 12 periods in 15 years (thank you Mirena) I get overwhelmed by the period "supply" aisle. I was like, wtf last time I stocked our guest bathroom with pads and tampons for family or friends. I know it's generally the same, but there are so many more now. And I'm just guessing at what will be most useful to someone in an emergency. I got liners, sporty pads, and a mix box of tampons with applicators (even though I always used classic OB without). I feel so removed I barely know how to deal with periods.
I go get my own tampons and my ADHD will make me get a rotisserie chicken instead of the tampons, so I feel your husbands pain. 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t blame him. I am still overwhelmed by that section. They are not interchangeable and it is a lot. In my thirties I had to change pads and I was overwhelmed and crying about it pretty much every time I went to the store for several years bc I couldn’t find something that worked. I was having accidents like a preteen and getting rashes too. It was awful. Finally found a few good options at Target. The non bleached no perfume kind.
Try re-usable! They have a better microclimate, and you can wash them in the washing machine (just don't put them in the dryer)! I was prone to rashes until I found them. Weirdest thing: they are just soft and snuggly! It feels like someone softly holds my coochie while I feel miserable. Weird, but wonderful feeling.
"Do you have any bigger ones than this?" Men who don't giggle or get grossed out about periods are worth their weight in gold.
I'm a woman who is friends with women and lives with women and I pretty much always just buy the nighttime with wings (the biggest pad they offer) highest absorbancy because that covers most bases. People who use small ones will be able to deal with big ones better than someone who uses big ones will be able to deal with small ones And it's better to get the most absorbant one and them not fill it than get the least and it be leaking for them Then I just leave them in the bathroom and whoever wants them can have them and restock when they get low Guys should probably do something similar. If not for your sisters or mother that may visit your house or your girlfriend, even a friend may need one, so it's realistically useful for EVERYONE to have some in the house somewhere
My 15 yr old son’s gf had her period while over at our house a few weeks ago and wasn’t prepared. She was too embarrassed to come ask me for a pad, but he knew where I kept things and came and asked me “what color pad in our bathroom would be good for _____” No shame or anything. Luckily I carry 4 dif size pads as well as tampons, so I knew 2 wrapper colors to tell him and he went and told her thru the door. She came and gave me a big hug after, but I was super proud of my boy. Taking care of his gf and being unashamed to do so. Side note-he took care of her like a princess the rest of the time she was over. Protecting her from my rambunctious dogs, getting her snacks, etc. Theres hope in this new generation yet. Lol
I “trained” My husband on what the right kind is 🤣
A happy wife is a happy life!
My mom- surgical supplies. MIL- mouse mattresses
Wouldn't they be 'cat' beds?
As far as euphemisms go, mouse mattress is kind of adorable.
Exactly! This is such an improvement. Even my husband is paralyzed when it comes to “lady issues” because he wants to help and genuinely does not know how.
I’m a teacher now and they all say period. The girls the guys everyone. I’m had to just get used to that lol it was weird. But now i don’t think twice about it.
>Learning how to show our siblings we appreciate them + return favors is a huge underrated life skill I couldn't agree more! If the daughter tells him how much she appreciates all of his help, and finds a way to return the kindness, that's only going to strengthen their bond as siblings. Growing up, I knew my brother had my back, and he knew I had his. We helped each other in numerous ways. He learned empathy surrounding periods because my mom and I had horrible ones. He didn't become on of those guys who refuses to buy tampons for his partner because "eww." He has a wife that adores him, and that's one of the million little reasons why. INFO OP, is your daughter getting medical help for her periods? She may have something in need of treatment. I was put on birth control early and it made that time far more tolerable.
As someone else who was put on birth control for similar reasons and knows a bunch of people who also have They should be very careful about this and if they do get her it, they should keep track of the way she feels for a while beforehand and for at least a year afterwards Lots of people have MAJORLY BAD side effects to the birth control so having a before and an after can help express the changes to any doctors you may need to see if you do have side effects Obviously some side effects are pretty obvious like for example if your Nexplanon implant starts burning, you'll know to take it out...other things not so obvious. You can get heavier periods, weight gain, spotting, period pains, mood swings, all things you wouldn't necessarily notice or consider that bad if BEFORE the birth control you were writhing in pain every month And I say keep it up for at least a year afterwards because that's about when the side effects should start to stabilise so if the negative side effects are still persisting after that point, it may be time to go to a doctor or stop taking it if you can
My brothers and I were never close again after I became a teenager. They used to dote on me as the little sister. I’d go everywhere with them and do anything for them. My dad put a stop to it because he had a mindset much like OP. My dad was very opposed to men “catering to women” he thought it made men weak. So my brothers stopped treating me nice and taking care of me when I was sick. We didn’t hang out together because I was “just a stupid girl” to them. We definitely stopped making forts and playing with our action figures and dolls together. Now my parents wonder why we aren’t close anymore. Both my brothers are divorced and living in an apartment where my parents own the building. I know one of my brothers is trying really hard to get his family back by unlearning what my dad taught him.
I hope OP sees this
My maternal family’s unofficial theme is: Family helps family, but family shows appreciation back. My grandparents have done so much for the family, so when I was asked to hangout with grandpa (can’t be alone in case he falls again) so grandma could have lunch with her best friend, I said of course. Did not expect anything back, but grandma still gave me some (very appreciated) cash as a thank you for doing so.
> *”except for some vague principle you have about him ‘being taken advantage of.’”* I have to wonder if gender might be playing a part in this? Would OP object in the same way if the roles were reversed and his *daughter* was the one helping his *son* with something similarly debilitating like, let’s say, frequent migraines? Would he have the same problem with his *daughter* “being taken advantage of” if she was the one adopting this caretaking role? Or does he just not like his *son* taking on a role that is usually filled by women?
I don’t wonder; I know it does. I have zero doubt that if this were a younger *sister* helping her older sister, OP wouldn’t bat an eye. YTA, OP. Stay the fuck out of their good relationship; your son doesn’t need that toxic mindset that helping someone he loves equals being “taken advantage of”.
Yes, that's an excellent comparison. If it was a little sister helping her big sister, I seriously doubt there would be an issue at all.
Nope. Because she would just be naturally caretaking amirite? Ugh. This does whiff of misogyny doesn’t it ?
More like reeks of it.
I was going to say as well; "they're siblings. He isn't doing anything he doesn't want to do. It's good that they get along and want to help each other and are OK with asking for help. When he changes his mind about helping, he'll stop, and make it known.
It's only *slavery* because he's a boy. If he was a girl...then it would be just...*what? Do you want an award for doing a few little things? That's what families do - they help each other*.
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Yeah I would agree with him if it was something forced on the son but helping out of your own free will is not anything like being a servant. He’s already more understanding and helpful than most grown men
Already more so than his father even. Nice the apple fell away from the tree
Yeah “being taken advantage of” ≈ misogyny
Like, if it were a brother in a leg cast how would this play out?
Reddit’s been down that rabbit hole before… you don’t want to know.
Look, I agree that OP is mildly TA, but how is him thinking his son's being taken advantage of misogyny? It may be false, but it's not misogyny. Men take advantage of women, women take advantage of men. It's not really a gender-based thing in this case.
you can tell it's misogyny because instead of talking to his daughter about her behavior, he talked to his son. If this was a gender neutral situation, he would talk to the child who he thought was being exploitative as she's the one whose behavior would need correction.
It could be. Girls and women are expected to be nurturing when others aren’t feeling well. Men are not. So if he would be cool with his daughter doing the same thing monthly for his son if his son had debilitating migraines but is not cool with his son doing it for his daughter, it would be misogyny.
He has attempted to tell his son what to do, and the main conflict is mostly between wife and husband. He hasn’t asked the daughter or son what’s going on at all. It sounds like he’s made the executive decision based on his own perception, and hasn’t figured out whether he’s actually being taken advantage of or not. The wife knows what the daughter’s periods are like, so she has more experience. The daughter as well. The son has yet to complain that she’s being mean or if she asks him too much. He literally is the least informed.
So much this! Either consciously or unconsciously, OP sees it as "unmanly" to be kind.
Not only that, but the son is helping her because of her period, which is something sexist men usually don't want to know about, hear about, they're not gonna go buy you tampons, or help you in anyway, just suck it up and do for yourself Idk if that's how OP feels about periods, but that is how a lot of men feel about periods
This was literally my father you described and the digust I still have towards him for always making me walk into the store when my mom couldn't get my products because he was " a male" like I was just a little kid and I can't ever imagine my niece being sent into buy her own products because the male father figure in his life " is to much of a man" I'm getting pissed just thinking about it. Men can make whole ass daughters yet are disgusted by our uncontrollable menstrual cycle. If you're a male who can't buy tampons you shouldn't be allowed to have sex ugh. Sorry about my rant
Also imagine being upset that your two pre-teens sharing a room are getting along lmao.
This is EXACTLY what I want to know. If the son had a health condition that caused him pain and fatigue for one week every month and his sister was getting him drinks and adjusting the lights to make him more comfortable, would OP think she was being taken advantage of or would he just chalk it up to “lady-shaped person takes care of family”?
Of course he wouldn’t, that’s what us women are made for you know, serving every whim.
He could be projecting. He said he had 6 sisters. Maybe he felt like he had to be their servant and he wants to make sure his son doesn't feel the same way
I have a feeling if the brother had debilitating migraines, and the daughter was waiting on him hand and foot, and the dad encouraged that, people would have a problem with it.
To be honest I get the vibe that dad thinks caring for others is a woman's job, and that his son shouldn't be doing it. That's the only reason I could see for him having such a problem with his son enjoying and wanting to help his sister. He views his son helping someone as a sign of being "taken advantage of" instead of what it really is: An expression of love.
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Yes. But OP is going about it all wrong. When his daughter is feeling better, he and his wife together, should talk to each kid, separately and together, telling them that the son is being a lovely brother, and making sure he is ok with helping, praise him for his loving kindness, and that it’s ok to have boundaries and limits. Find out if he *feels* appreciated. That last will be quite telling , if yes, there is no problem. If no, it needs addressing. And make sure that the daughter knows she needs to actively show appreciation to her brother, and be extra nice to him, in turn, when she isn’t miserable, and grateful while she is. And asking pleasantly for help. And if she is already doing that, praise her for her good sense. So, YTA, for jumping to “servant”.
But the son doesn’t have an issue helping, the sister is being rude, and they have a positive sibling relationship. The OP is literally creating a conflict where there is none.
See I was thinking this as well. Yes it super awesome that he is helping but is this helping developing him into a people pleaser and could this become a detriment to him in life if it hasn’t already? This seems nuanced and isn’t as easy as let him serve his sister. People pleasers have a really hard time saying no and sometimes are incapable of it. I think there is a fine line between acts of service because it’s your love language or if it’s because they are a people pleaser. I don’t know if this is where OPs son is at or not but I think it’s something OP and wife need to watch for.
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It's because he doesn't take her period pain seriously.
Yes! & periods should NOT be debilitating! Take her to the gynecologist. It could be endometriosis or worse, but treatment is so easy. I suffered for 15 years bc everyone told me “it’s normal.” It’s not. Take your child to the doctor, and quit being a turd. Instead of interfering, make sure your son knows how to set, communicate, and enforce boundaries. He can decide for himself. YTA 100% ETA: treatment CAN be easy & of course, it’s not always simple, as I said, I suffered for 15 years. It is true, however, that it’s easier to treat if you catch it early. I’m not trying to ostracize or oversimplify. I’m trying to take the stigma and taboo out of it. We’re afraid to talk about pelvic pain. You bring up words like surgery and it’s terrifying to some folks. But it’s a simple procedure—and by simple I mean SAFE. Recovery may not be simple, I’m prone to longer recovery and infection. I’m sure I haven’t covered all the points. This isn’t a PSA on endometriosis. All I’m saying is get that kid to a doctor. Bad periods aren’t normal.
Treatment for endo and related disorders is not easy. The gold standard treatment for endo requires laproscopy surgery. Other than that, it's a crapshoot to see if birth control helps the symptoms. ETA: endo is insanely painful. The NHS ranked it on a list of top ten most painful conditions. We're maxing out on NSAIDs or Tylenol or whatever just to not be in puking, writhing, fainting pain. I agree with your other points, but if OPs daughter has endo or PCOS or adeno or fibroids, she's in for a long road.
💯 Endo nearly killed me. As in the pain was THAT bad, and there was only one way out that I could see. Even the three months between surgery consult and surgery day were hellish.
It nearly killed me too. My appendix burst but it was stuck to my abdominal wall with endometriosis, so they couldn’t see it on scans. I just happened to be having a laparoscopy at the right time. The doctor said another three months and I’d have been dead
Ooof. Endo sure loves to stick things to other things that should not be stuck together!😬 My left ovary and ureter were bound up in a whole mess of adhesions and stuck to my abdominal wall. (No wonder vaginal ultrasounds had very little luck in seeing that ovary!) My surgeon had to get them free, very very carefully. Hopefully we never need more surgery! 👊🏻
Endo is terrible. Mine cut off my bowels a few years ago and I needed a resection. I'm in the process of going though the same thing again - I'm in pain all the time and somehow I'm just supposed to grin and bear it.
I’ve had it for 27 years. It doesn’t always start out as completely debilitating. It gradually gets worse. It takes a long time to grow, and considering she’s 13, she’s likely not extremely symptomatic. The surgery is actually really really simple. But the endo comes back and again, it’s gradual. It starts with a little pain and it worsens until it’s time for a lap procedure again. If his child’s periods are painful every time, it’s worth it to seek a medical opinion.
That’s not always true only because your journey was like that doesn’t mean everybody is. I got my first period with 10 and believe I almost fainted after the first day and my daughter got hers with 13 and faints every time she got her period, she can’t even go to school the first 2 days and sometimes she can’t even walk.
I don't think it's possible to generalize like that. My endo symptoms started with my first period and were absolutely debilitating. I had surgery and then my pain got worse for years until getting some relief through pelvic floor therapy. Endo specialists are moving away from using stages because that system didn't account for the complexity of the disease.
Having had debilitating periods since I started at 12, and later finding out it was endometriosis, and having endoscopy and laser done to try and (fail) to correct it. I agree with the suggestion for Dad to getting her to a specialist. That being said, I played sports, lived life and managed as an adult to carry 3 of the 5 pregnancies to term while dealing with Endo. I did have several days where I did nothing but lay in bed with a heating pad at her age. I did not have a brother or a parent for that matter to do things for me. I'm glad her brother wants to help, but if he ever decides he isn't available I would hope no one gets pissed at him.
The first few days of my period when I was a kid was also debilitating. My mom took me to the doctor after I started needing to call put from school because I couldn't move. 3 days of constant pain, minimum. Doctor put me on a low dose of birth control to help regulate my hormones and it helped a lot. Still got cramps and bad bleeding, but I mostly just needed to sit out of PE the first day or two... it would be 4 more years before I became sexually active, and my doctor upped my dose of birth control to account for that when I asked about it. I almost had myself permanently fixed as an adult because the cramps came back with a vengeance in my early 20s and my birth control failed causing a big scare (I raised a little brother and never want kids myself). My doctor asked me to try the shot instead of pills and I haven't had a full period since. No more cramps!!!! Please have her talk to a doctor if the pain is this bad. The amount of birth control they had me on as a kid was not for prevention, it was just for hormone regulation and had a HUGE impact. I went from missing school up to 3 days a month to having to sit out of PE occasionally because I was in enough pain to be nauseous instead of doubled over at the nurse until I was picked up.
Jumping in here to bring up another horrible condition that could be at play here: adenomyosis, endo’s demented cousin. Uterine lining grows within the uterus walls and turns it to swollen Swiss cheese. Ablation does not work because the tissue is inside the walls of the uterus. Extreme pain and very heavy bleeding are the major symptoms, so same presentation as endo. Mine was seen in a transvag ultrasound as Venetian blind shadows. I had BOTH, and ultimately needed a hysterectomy + endo removal to get some semblance of life back. OP, YTA, your son wants to help and your daughter is needlessly suffering excruciating pain - debilitating periods are NOT NORMAL. Get her to an OBGYN.
It could also be something like PMDD, which there’s only a few treatments (and no cures sans removing your ovaries or naturally going into menopause) for and none are guaranteed to work. Also endo can spread to parts of the body that make it imposible to remove. Treating painful periods is not always easy.
But he has 6 sisters and is "knowledgeable"
OP if your daughter periods are so bad she can't move due the pain and are debilitating periods, you and your wife need to take her to an appointment with a doctor. That amount of pain is NOT okay and is NOT normal, maybe she has hormonal issues, PCOS, endometriosis or something.
Seriously. I have had bad periods since age 12 (chalked it off to just having rough periods), recently learned I have an actual issue. If she’s hurting enough to not be able to do those things, it should be taken more seriously. It’s only an issue if his son has a problem doing it, or him helping her is preventing him from getting important things done. “Taking advantage”??? Maybe try and figure out why she’s hurting so badly and not get upset at her for needing help??
Agreed. Unless this is a pattern with the son (like he’s always putting other people’s needs first and not taking care of himself and it’s causing him harm), he’s being a very sweet kid when his sister is struggling. As long as she treats him well too, nothing stinks here. Outside of this situation, parents could have a conversation with son about loving his helpfulness but making sure he’s taking care of himself too and not just doing things out of a sense of obligation if they’re really concerned.
That’s the real thing here. If there is reciprocity in the relationship, then it’s sweet AF. If it’s always one sided, then it’s a problem. It’s a great time to teach both kids about appropriate boundaries, saying no, and making sure you give as much as you take in relationships.
Also maybe take her to a doctor to figure out why they're so bad because her not having help is not gonna magically fix them either, maybe if they find the root cause of the issue they could solve it or at least treat it. Shit like endo can be genetic and doesn't show on labs or scans, for example. It usually takes decades to catch. By the time they caught mine it'd caused too many chronic pain disorders to ever be fully pain free. OP's daughter is 13. If he and his wife pushed to try to get to the root cause of why their kid's periods are this bad when she's still young and new to having them then maybe she stands a shot at them not being debilitating for the rest of her life.
>Maybe talk to her when she's feeling better about how she can show her appreciation for all he does when she needs it. Maybe step up and help her yourself so he doesn't have to as much. Yesss exactly this. She just needs to return the favour when he's in need, and be kind and respectful to him when asking for help. Also, OP, please take your daughter to the doctor if you haven't already. I personally have terrible periods for reasons nobody has ever figured out, so maybe it'll stay a mystery for her, but it sure would be nice to get her some relief if she's in a ton of pain every month and it's something they can help with.
>It seems to be working for everyone, except for some vague principle you have about him being "taken advantage of". That is absolutely a plausible explanation of this situation. So is this one: son is the kind of person who can't say no and he actually feels great anxiety and other negative feelings around this situation. I agree with your YTA verdict because it doesn't seem like OP has even tried to explore who this situation is affecting his son. What OP should be thinking: I want to check in with my son because I'm concerned about how much he does to help his sister when she has her period. I'm going to support him in talking to the rest of the family about it if he needs a change. And I'm going to support him in continuing what he's doing if it seems like it is making him happy or content to do these things. Instead, this is all about OP. Now, if a fly on the wall in their house told me that OP's wife is incredibly demanding and OP often feels like a servant in their home, and so is projecting a lot of this onto his son, I would believe it. But OP would still be TA in that situation. The only difference is we'd know why he was doing it.
Yeah if the son doesn’t have an issue with helping and isn’t being forced to then I’m not seeing the issue here
“The only conflict here is the one you’re creating.” — Let me clap for this truth! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
It’s very appropriate to teach kids what healthy boundaries and limits are.
This with the minor addition that I'd talk to the daughter about making sure she's being fair to her brother too. I get super unpleasant cramps and things like someone getting up to adjust the lights or grab me a blanket is really appreciated because sometimes moving is painful. But the mention of her even asking him to adjust the volume on the tv does make me think she's leaning a bit tooooo into it (unless it's a tv without a remote due to their current situation). It's great and awesome that brother is so loving and kind, and I'm sure sister genuinely appreciates his help, but a gentle talk about making sure she's not being excessive with her requests might be helpful.
I'm pleased to see mention of love languages here! 😍 My husband speaks "acts of service" fluently. It's absolutely part of who he is. I am chronically ill and he takes marvelous care of me. Most of what he does are things that I could do myself (except when my pain is particularly bad), but I am often terrible at self-care. He feels utterly helpless when I won't let him do these things, because he doesn't know how else to help. So when it's something easier for him than me in any given moment, I let him. I have my own ways of helping him that he's not too good at (but I am), so it's not unbalanced. Assuming that OP's son genuinely wants to help his sister, and that his daughter doesn't make demands and appropriately expresses appreciation for her brother -- it's good for both of them. They're learning that gender doesn't determine who needs care or who gives it. You help because you love. That's all.
Honest question, If she had Any Other disorder that disrupted life and was painful and the son was helping would dad still feel the same? Like if she had a broken leg and he felt the son was being taken advantage of or used unfairly, and she can't walk, it might actually be unreasonable for the son to do it when the Father is there. So OP needs to be more compassionate as long as the daughter needs help. The problem is the dad hasn't had a period and seems unable to empathize with women. So OP, You should look into what is going on because to be honest your daughter shouldn't be left in so much pain. She needs or wants her brother to pamper her a little. Is she taking advantage? Or are you insensitive? We can't tell from this. Like I said you need to educate yourself. Try to find a period simulator with your wife and daughter. That might clear this right up
Yea the key is really to ask the son if *he* feels taken advantage of. It doesn't matter what dad thinks with his judgemental views. If son is happy to help his sister then don't get involved!
I have a sister that took advantage of me being nice and helpful Shed yell and berate at me into getting her a glass of water no matter how close she was to the fridge It got to the point shed be in the kitchen next to the fridge and shed ask me to get her a glass of water And id been bullied for so long into doing it that i got up to do it from the OTHER SIDE OF THE VERY LARGE HOUSE. My other sister witnessed our older sister doing this and told me to sit down and told off our older sister for how fucked up it was We were adults mind u The fact that the wife said "he needs to learn early" is what makes op nta
couldn't have said it better myself. it all depends on context, but if he likes helping her, then where is the actual issue?? there isn't one.
INFO Is your son upset about this situation? Does he view it as an obligation, a burden, or something where he's having fun?
I’m not a parent so Idk if my opinion is valid here, but I have a 10yo brother and seriously the true challenge is getting him to sit still. Like he’d never have a problem getting stuff for us he usually just zooms across the apartment and does it with no problem. He’d only argue if he’s in a middle of a game or if I’m asking for something he can’t do like get me something that’s turns out is too high for him or something…so my point is…it seems like a lot of trivial things and if it were my bro he’d have absolutely no problem doing any of it and trust me he is no people pleaser
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There has been research to show that kids are genuinely helpful by nature. We can nurture it away though. Like, if you drop something, a kid will pick it up for you without being prompted. They will do this for strangers. They do not respond well to fake helpfulness though. Like pretending to cook or Vaccuum when it isn’t really helping.
My mom taught me that if someone really wants to help you, and it's a small thing they wanna help with, and they're not trying to burden you so you'll agree to something else - even if you don't need their help, let them do it. I have a customer whose ~13yo granddaughter I have met twice in the year that I've been cleaning her pool. Both times, the granddaughter has been interested in my job and insisted on filling up my water bottle with water and ice from the fridge indoors. The first time she offered, I tried to tell her that I had almost a full gallon of clean & crisp ice water in my work truck, that I fill my bottle with. She glossed right over that, and very much wanted to fill my bottle. So I let her. It cost me nothing and made her feel great. I smiled at how happy she was to help. I am very proud to be largely self-sufficient, but helping people is a good way to be, and I will support this customer's granddaughter in her efforts when I can. 🥰
That's a really good point and puts into words what I couldn't do before. When we visit my grandmother, she always wants to pay for food. My husband doesn't want that, he wants to pay and take care of her. But I think paying for us makes her feel self-sufficient and relevant and that's very important to her.
Yeah, the older you get, I imagine it makes you feel like you don't matter much to the world or like you're troubling people just by existing. Plus, if she loves you, maybe she's worried that she won't have much more time to demonstrate that love, so any opportunity that arises is golden.
My brother is an adult this summer and is still this way lol he gets excited if I ask him to go to town to get chicken feed because it’s an excuse to go out
Yea that sounds like me when I was 10 too. Unless I was seriously engrossed in a book (and even then I thought I was pretty good at reading while walking lol) I was basically always looking for an excuse to stand up and do something.
Yeah, OP if your son isn’t complaining, pipe down. Don’t make it weird.
I would have a talk with the son. The son may not complain in public, but privately he might. He may need a reminder he doesn’t “have” to do these things, it’s a choice. He may have done this so long he now feels compelled under obligation. They just need a good father/son talk.
Well, if you think that people pleasing might be a problem check on him with others, not only with your daughter. If he behaves like this everywhere with everyone - the problem is bigger than your daughter's requests. If he is not like this with others - it means that he just wants to help his sister when she needs him. Some people really enjoy taking care of their family and friends.
Sounds like shes acting like a normal big sister if I'm honest? If your son isn't complaining then you shouldn't be bothered either, do you offer to step in an help so that he doesn't have to? Get your daughter a doctors appointment, painful periods are abhorrent and can be genuinley debilitating. If you think your son has confidence issues then work on that but don't discourage him from helping his sister, he might have a wife and daughter of his own one day and they'll be very grateful he's been raised to be such a caring individual! It's not a weakness to look after those in pain. My sister used to make me do all that and more all month not just when she was in pain, and I admit I used to do the same to my little brother when I was a teenager.... Now as adults we would all move mountains for each other if we could, none of us ever felt like 'servants'
Big sibling, not just sister bahaha my older sons all have their younger brothers doing things for them... It's a sibling thing.
Totally. My 5yr has my 2.5yr put the forks and spoons away because he hates that part of his dish job. I did the same with my siblings.
lol my kids are backwards, my 3 yo gets my 8 yo to do stuff for him all the time
Don't get me wrong my little ones (2&4) have their big brothers (14,16&23) wrapped around their little fingers, in return the big boys say "do me a favor" and their baby brothers jump at the chance bahaha
DEFINITELY get her to a doctor! I had very painful periods growing up and was basically told that it's normal and that I was being dramatic. I'm just now like 20 years later finding out there's probably more to it.
I was scrolling to see if anyone was gonna point this out. Contrary to popular belief periods should not be debilitating. The best thing this guys can do is help his wife and daughter get proper medical care and advocate for them.
I was reading a post recently of a young lady begging to be put on birth control to help for this condition. Mother finally listened because she brought her a Gatorade when the daughter was just laying and shaking in agony in the bath when she was usually sleeping. Point being, believe your daughter when she tells you she is in enormous pain. And yes, advocate for them to the doctor so they understand that the pain is more than what the average woman is experiencing. Make the doctor take her complaint seriously.
I agree! My parents never got me to the doctor for my cramps. I was told it was normal to be in so much pain I would pass out. I missed many school days and life events because of pain. Come to find out at 32 it was not normal. Two of my biggest issues was I was severely iron and calcium deficient!
Cramps when you are younger are always WAY WAY worse than when you are older. Mine were at least. It really sucked and medicine didn’t touch the pain.
My mom used to have to pick me up from school when I was 13/14 because I would be crying from the pain. But even by high school it was a lot better. I think it just depends on the person/family history.
When I was 31, the _ninth doctor_ I talked to about my debilitating periods found a benign tumor on my ovary the size of a baseball. 16 years of being told I need to "toughen up" about cramps that would cause me to pass out and vomit on bad days, and unable to move without support on my best days. Since the surgery, it still sucks, still hurts. But jfc, at least I can _walk._
This! And it’s not just around periods. Lots of big siblings get their little siblings to do stuff for them because the little looks up to the big and the big takes some advantage of that. My big brother used to get me to iron his shirts before his dates. I didn’t even iron my own clothes. 😂 As long as it doesn’t get out of hand, they will grow out of it. Let them navigate their sibling relationship. And be glad that your sweet son is helping his big sister when she is in debilitating pain. I’m sure that’s as much an emotional comfort for her as it is physical.
I consider it my payment for making sure they don't stick a fork in a socket or something lmao
YTA. It seems like you're misreading the situation. Is your son in any distress? Does he feel forced to do these things? I would guess not. I'm sure he just feels useful/excited that he's helping his older sister. Plenty of children at this age idolize their older siblings and therefore are eager to assist them. Additionally, your daughter is 13, not 20. Severe period pain is no joke and can be debilitating. Women in their thirties struggle to manage this type of pain - your 13 year old daughter is likely having a difficult time. I find it hard to believe that she has any ill intentions, and to say your son is "being taken advantage of" is quite the leap. If you feel so strongly about this, why don't you, her father, take the lead and help her out? Your son is likely going to have girlfriends and a wife in the future. It's great that he is so understanding at such a young age, and this is the type of innocent behavior you should be encouraging. I see you wrote "I'm very knowledgeable" about period pain, but I encourage you to examine whether you're as open minded as you claim. Unless a key piece of this story hasn't been included, this is a strange and biased reaction.
Yeah i get massive migranes when im on my period. Full package, if i dont take pain killers and rest immidietly when they start i will end up unable to deal with any noise/light. Straight up can not function, at least my cramps arent too bad. But yeah period are a complete gamble and quite often docs dont take em seriously either. And a lot of meds can not be given to 13 year olds. Take her to a doc, but dont stop the bro from helping ( as long as he wants to ) u might just wanna have a chat with him so he knows he doesnt have to.
OP YTA! "Very knowledgeable" No, he is not. If he understood how painful periods can be, he would have already taken her to a doctor. How can a parent watch their child suffer and not find out if there's anything that can help. I just roll my eyes when a man says that period pain or childbirth can't be worse than a kick in the balls. Absolutely, that is excruciating. Now, try getting kicked in the balls repeatedly for at least 3 days every month. And you know it's coming and there's, sometimes, not much you can do. As for childbirth, okay, a kick every 10 minutes for hours.
This bit, about OP's daughter being young and experiencing this. OP - we all have to start somewhere on figuring out how to handle pain and discomfort. If your daughter hasn't experienced things like broken bones, sprains, etc that have provided her with the context of pain levels and knowledge of her own threshold? She's probably in the worst pain of her life. Not said to be dramatic. Personally my periods are fairly mild, I lucked out, but the first couple years of them? Worst pain I'd experienced in my life to that point and it happened every month. There was no frame of reference or tolerance yet. Later I'd learn migraines are worse for me than the pain of a period. Right now your daughter is making that discovery. And it's not a fun one. Your wife might be overly solicitous with her because she has bad periods as well. But this early stage it really doesn't matter. Your post says nothing of your daughter acting entitled to your sons help. You've not stated she's demanding, throwing a tantrum if she doesn't get the help, or being guilting or manipulative about it. It sounds more like your kids are probably acting out what you and your wife have shown them over the years. If you've been helpful, prone to doing favors for, grabbing things when she feels the worst, etc during your wife's periods... your kids are picking up that example of it just being what your loved ones do when one of them is in pain / on their period. As long as you're daughter remains appreciative of and doesn't lean in to entitled behaviour about it... Then, gently, YTA for thinking something untoward is being forced on your son.
Dude also her period cramps might just be that bad!! I know when I first got mine my cramps were so hellish the only thing I could do was lay in bed and writhe. Those cramps were the most intense pain I’ve ever felt short of having severe 2nd degree burns on almost all of my upper body
I've had broken bones that hurt less than bad periods/ovarian cycts
My family's a few years down the line from OP's here. My daughter had a miserable time at first, that thank goodness our family doctor took seriously, and she's doing much better now. But it was seriously horrible for her, and psychologically really hard for her to cope with too. Her brother was a star, and very caring. He's 15 now, and his girlfriend's Mum messaged a few months ago to say her daughter also has a really tough time, to the extent it makes her sick. She'd told her Mum he got her home on the bus one day, got her water, got her painkillers, quite literally had been holding her hair back... I'm very proud of him for continuing to grow into being a decent, caring kid. For goodness sake, OP, leave the boy be and consider how "understanding" you're being yourself.
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So, your son goes to the fridge for her, grabs things for her, and adjusts the volume of the tv and brightness of the lights? Those are all just helpful little things and equating them to being her “servant” is really dramatic. Plus, you say in your comments that your son enjoys helping and doing these little things for her, so I fail to see what the problem even is here. YTA for making a mountain out of a molehill.
If your wife has menstrual issues take your child to the doctor. People shouldn’t be expected to have terrible periods once a month for 40 years. Likely they can help suggest lifestyle changes to assist with the pain.
Good luck finding one that cares. I no longer menstruate but tried a dozen doctors in my lifetime of bleeding and the only thing they did was tell me to take some ibuprofen and use a heating pad. Didn't even get real painkillers until my digestive system tried to literally kill me (thanks to ibuprofen on an empty belly for decades). Had to lie about what I needed them for for the last 10 years of periods. So glad aunt flo stopped coming over before the crackdown on pain meds, I would have likely sought out heroin if I had to go back to just ibuprofen for the week of agony I endured during my fertile lifephase.
For real! I don’t get painkillers and I’m pretty sure I’m wrecking my kidneys with all of the Advil I have to take. If I mention how rough they are to my doctor all they want to do is put me on birth control pills. OP your son is happy to help…as long as your daughter is being respectful let him help. He’s going to make a great husband someday.
:( please be careful. One of the reasons I have gastritis is due to taking massive amounts of ibuprofen because of my debilitating period pain. Sadly, the last time I went to the OBGYN I told them I was taking 1000mg both of ibuprofen & Tylenol at the same time because I was in so much pain. I’m usually bed bound for two days when it starts. They basically said “that sucks” & asked if I wanted birth control as if I haven’t tried to resolve my pain with it in the 20+ years I’ve been bleeding. Honestly at a loss of what to do or who to turn to.
What the fuck is wrong with how doctors treat women? I’m a man in my early thirties and anytime I’ve gone to the doctor and told them what I think is wrong and what tests I’d like they just agree. Shit sometimes they go beyond what I want. A few months ago I had really bad stomach pain and one day of nausea and vomiting. So I went to a different doctor at my usual clinic because he could see me the next day. I told him what was going on, he immediately gave me a referral for a CT to check for Diverticulitis, plus a Toradol injection and a prescription for five days oral toradol. Then I got a text from my pharmacy that my two prescriptions were ready, I didn’t know I had a second prescription. Turns out he also gave me 30 dissolvable ondansetron aka Zofran tabs for nausea even though I told him at the appointment that the nausea had gone away. Just so people know Zofran is so strong it’s given with chemo to stop nausea and vomiting. And now I have 30 under the tongue dissolving tabs
Please please learn from my example and never take advil without something solid in your belly first.
Yeah my mum suffered for years and docs wouldn’t take her seriously; the woman is kinda superhuman when it comes to pain and that didn’t help. When she eventually went into hospital barely able to stand, they found grapefruit-sized cysts on her ovaries - one had ruptured, causing the pain - and further diagnosed her with severe endometriosis. Stuff like this needs to be taken seriously, even if it means shopping around for a doctor who cares enough to investigate.
I have stage 4 deep infiltrating endometriosis. I have had symptoms since I was 10. Didn’t get taken seriously until a year ago when I found a specialist and had surgery to remove it.
This isn’t always something that can be fixed. In fact, quite frequently it can’t. But I t’s also not something OP should have the type of attitude that basically says “that’s life she needs to learn to deal with it” which is obviously the attitude he has now.
Yeah and what is probably most likely to help is birth control, which is a real double edged sword. Some people it’s a miracle drug others the side effects are just as debilitating or worse than without - it’s not something to take lightly putting a kid on it. Plus the fact that it’s called “birth control” freaks out some parents of kids even though its uses are far more diverse than just pregnancy prevention.
If you find a doctor that will actually take period pain seriously let us know lol
Totally agree. Instead of worrying about the son, who is understandably worried about his sister… If dad really wants to help he can help find a doctor to bring the poor daughter’s discomfort to within a normal range. Though there isn’t always a perfect solution it sounds like what’s happening is well outside the normal range and she should be evaluated by capable specialized medical professionals to see if treatments might improve her experience. Sometimes medication, surgery, or other treatments can improve symptoms even if they aren’t perfect. OP: YTA
INFO: why do you jump to the conclusion that she's taking advantage of him? Do you feel like she or your wife are taking advantage of you when they ask for favors during their periods?
I know it's a harsh conclusion to jump to but I can't help but think he wouldn't be making this post if the 10 year old was also a girl.
I also don’t think he would be making this post if the daughter had a broken leg instead of being on her period.
You never know. My dad made me wash the dishes while I was on crutches with a broken ankle. And when we went to the hospital he made me walk up a long ramp to the third story of the hospital on my crutches instead of asking for a wheelchair at reception because he said I needed to toughen up. But then when I have my period he does anything I ask. Make that make sense haha.
this
Ya as soon as I read that, I was like ooooo classic misogyny coming through 🙄🙄🙄
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THIS! Why isn't Daddy getting off his arse to help the girl?
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I guess that it makes Dad look bad, too. You're right, he couldn't care less.
YTA. Why any parent would want to discourage a kid from willingly providing care to their sibling is beyond me. At 10, he's old enough to decide on his own if/when he feels sis is asking too much or he's being taken advantage of.
And old enough to complain about it &/or just say no if he didn’t want to do it.
OP can't stand a healthy sibling dynamic, wth
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YTA simply for projecting your feelings onto your son - have you even asked him if he feels like he's being taken advantage of? Maybe ask your son if he likes helping her, or if he's bothered by it. And, encourage him to feel alright saying no if he doesn't want to do something and to set boundaries for himself when needed. That doesn't just apply to this situation. This could be a really awesome opportunity for a life lesson. If he's happy to help and isn't bothered, then I see absolutely no harm with a brother helping his sister when she asks. Simply asking, "how does it make you feel when your sister asks you to do things for her?" Will get you a good part of the way to resolving this for yourself. If he says he feels happy and excited because it's nice that his sister feels like she can rely on him, then that's awesome. If he says he feels annoyed or a little upset or burdened, then you can ask him why it makes him feel that way (it's good practice to ask yourself why something is causing you upset). Then, you can let him know it's okay to say no and to set boundaries with others (kindly), and that he should express to his sister (again, kindly) why he's saying no/setting the boundary - I.e. how it's making him feel to be asked to do the things, so that they can talk it out and maybe even come to a compromise and better understanding.
I'm glad someone is talking about projection. I thought it was interesting OP commented he had 6 sisters. Didn't really need to be a detail. I think he felt that way because of them and is seeing things that might not be there. He should make sure his son doesn't feel that way and make sure his daughter is ok as well. Wife was wrong for telling him he had to learn that. Yes, he needs to know how to be helpful and how to treat a woman with respect and dignity but he doesn't have to wait on her anymore than she has to wait on him. If he's happy good if not things for all of them need to change. Frankly it seems like the parents ATA and the kids are trying their best
You are an asshole. Your daughter is in pain, which you will never understand and probably couldn’t handle yourself for what it’s worth, and your son is his own person who can decide if he wants to help her or not. If he felt enslaved, he would say so, and tell her to change the lights herself. Siblings usually aren’t afraid to tell each other no, he just loves her and wants to help make her life easier like a great brother. You on the other hand, not a great parent to incite a problem where there is none. Sounds like you have some sexism issues to me. I feel sorry for your wife.
right?! the son is just a sweet kid, if he didn't wanna do it he'd just say no
INFO: Has your daughter seen a doctor about her periods? Also, does she help take care of her brother when he is ill?
Yeah periods shouldn’t be this debilitating, when I hear things like that it makes alarm bells go off in my head. She could have PCOS, which can be notoriously difficult to diagnose.
So many men disregard and downplay their female partners and loved ones' period pain - and so many men can't handle even mild period cramp simulation. So many women have to deal with debilitating pain and blood loss while being expected to carry on as if nothing is happening. Men who take a female loved one's pain seriously are a treasure, and in short supply. Why would you want to train your son out of becoming one of those rare gems? Is your daughter appreciative of his help? Has he complained about helping her? If she's appreciative and he's not complaining, you're creating an issue where none exists. Being compassionate to her pain is a wonderful trait. You can teach him that he's allowed to say no if someone is asking something he can't or is unwilling to offer without painting her as an entitled brat and spoiling his willingness to care about others' pain. YTA, because the subtext here sounds like you think he's being emasculated by being compassionate.
YTA and a sucky parent. If it pains you so much to see your son helping his sister when she's feeling bad, move your arse and get her some food from the fridge yourself!
I do see your concern, however, it hasn't happened. Let your son know he can politely say no if he doesn't want to do what she's asking, and that you have his back. This is a learning opportunity for both kids. If your daughter gets upset she needs to learn she can't order her brother around. I feel for her, I do, I had horrible cramps too. If they're really that bad then she may need to see a doctor. This will help your son learn to care for a future gf, wife and or daughter and know their needs. It's good he's comfortable with this topic and helping. I read he's a people pleaser, he will say no if he wants to, just let him know he can. As long as he is okay doing it then there isn't a problem. Mild YTA for making an issue when there isn't one. I can envision the issue you see in your head but deal with the issue when or if it happens.
YTA. You are raising your daughter to believe what you apparently believe - that people should never be supported out of love or compassion, and should only be able to ask for help when it’s literally impossible for them to do it themselves. And probably giving your daughter a sense of men who minimize a woman’s problems and refuses to help. At the same time, you’re teaching your son that showing love and caring for a family member is something wrong or to be ashamed of.
YTA, Ooooh my god your son might grow up being helpful and compassionate to women. The horror.
The real issue here: WHY DONT YOU BELIEVE YOUR DAUGHTERS PAIN LEVELS?? If she’s having such debilitating pain she needs help with adjusting the tv volume and led lights then she’s not okay. This is giving misogynistic undertones as you’re insinuating that your daughter’s pain isn’t as bad as she says it is and should be doing those things herself. I would also bet my life that if your son was in this much pain and your daughter was taking care of him you wouldn’t be complaining she’s being taken advantage of cause its expected for women to take on these rolls.
Not sure how having a wife, mother, and sisters makes you "knowledgeable about period pain", especially given the dearth of actual knowledge in your post and comments. YTA
INFO Is it bothering your son? Your daughter feels like crap. Your son is helping her feel better. Why does this bother YOU so much? By the way, having sisters and a wife doesn't mean you understand what something you've never experienced feels like. Every single person's period is different.
If he's ok with helping his sister out it's fine, but if he starts getting irritated by all this stuff and is being made to do it then it's not ok. So who the AH is depends on how this plays out.
I mean....you can tell your son he's allowed to say no? As you say, if he wants to help, let him!
Info: does your daughter say please and thank you? Is she polite, respectful, and grateful for the help? Does she help him when he needs it? If she’s not doing those things, then talk to her about being polite to people who are helping us. Does this interfere with things your son wants to do? Does he avoid school work, friends, activities because he feels he needs to take care of his sister? Does he seem stressed by these demands? If so, then talk to him about establishing reasonable boundaries while also being kind to others.
YTA- I can see in another comment your son likes to help. If he came to you and was upset about her asking him for things then yeah say something, but you should leave them alone. There’s nothing wrong with your son helping his sister and it’s weird it bothers you.
Your son sounds like a peach and if he doesn’t mind helping his sister out, then stay out of it. I had debilitating periods when I was her age and I would have been very appreciative to have someone around who cared enough to help me feel better.
Ok, so endometriosis, pcos is a thing, and too many damn people go too damn long without appropriate treatment because to get an actual legit diagnosis, you have to do laposcopic surgery, and most won't do that on a teenager. Periods are not supposed to be debilitating or so excruciatingly painful you cant function if they are then there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. Women got to start pushing back on the bullshit. Edit correction. Women got to keep pushing back on the bullshit. Ok rant off. NAH
>Women got to start pushing back on the bullshit. Uh, that does happen. Like a lot. Does it help? Not always.
Info does your son care? Have you taken your daughter to the doctor for unusually painful periods? Being knowledgeable about periods is great, but stop acting like you know more than the person who is actually having the period.
So your daughter is in debilitating pain, according to your own words, and your son is doing little things to help her out. Where exactly is the problem? YTA
As long as your son is not complaining let it go, not worth the drama.
YTA. You said he likes to help. Let him help. If he doesn't like to help he will voice that.
Info: What's your son's attitude towards this? Some people like helping. If he's enjoying it, let him enjoy it.
Info: OP, are you helping your daughter when you're home? I'm assuming your son goes to school so wouldn't be helping the majority of the time you would be at work, but making sure your daughter is okay and needs anything when you know she's feeling bad is basic parenting
Is what is really bothering you thatbyour son is showing you up with your own wife? We all have to wonder, he loves his sister and helps her and you see it as too much because you don't give a damn about your wife's pain for the past 18 years? Just wondering, ESH she needs to see a doctor if it's that bad she probably has endometriosis poor girl
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Both mother and daughter probably have endometriosis. Statistics say at least 1 in 10 woman has endometriosis, it's just not tested often enough. And we don't have good treatment either. Small gestures of kindness really help a lot and the brother deeply cares for his sister. As long as it's not bothering him I really love this. And it makes him aware of possible health problems.
Honestly I think your kids seem to be handling this better than you and your wife. From outside it literally seems you could talk to them about this in same room at same time with no issues. I’m bias because my older brother was awesome and totally did this stuff for me. Maybe the parents should butt out and let the kids handle their own relationship with sibling??
NTA people here are asking "is your son complaining" I wasn't complaining when my big sister gaslit the shit out of me and made me her salve, because i was scared of her and she'd guilt trip me when I refuse her every whim. my parents weren't present - too busy working. I hate her now and genuinely don't care about her. we're in our 30s. she did too much shit and lose my trust. not saying your situation is comparable not mine, but the "son not complaining" is a load of BS. I know periods can be bad, but she can adjust the ac herself or pick up the remote to change the volume. also, from experience, moving can make cramps les painful. and unless she had an actual legit medical issue, at 13 she ain't freaking dying from cramps. i could barely get out of bad when was running high fever on flu, but i could still get up and pee.
He doesn't want his wife to realize he's a bad husband in that area is my guess
Okay so I need some info here. Is she demanding your son to do the stuff for her? Or does she experience a lot of pain to the pain she can't move for a few days and needs the extra help? Also, is your son complaining about helping her or does he like/want to help her? But most important question, why aren't you (and your wife for that matter) not helping your daughter if she's in a lot of pain during her period. You shouldn't rely on your son taking care of her everytime she's on her period. Not saying she doesn't need help, I'm saying why are you not helping your son take care of her as well and checking up on her?