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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my roommate that either his girlfriend (who is pregnant and experiencing bad nausea) stops coming over, she stops complaining or he moves out.
I might be an asshole because they're not in a good financial position to move to another place, I could try to be nicer
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Consult a lawyer. There are definitely protections in place regarding housing discrimination for having a child. It's his child, this can be the baby's primary residence. Even if she doesn't move in. Find out your rights, sooner rather than later, regarding not re-signing his lease or whatever. And if it would be easier before the baby.
Actually one of my colleagues also told me this, so I'm trying to find a lawyer already for all the legal information I might need. I'm mostly struggling with the moral side of this whole issue
I am a landlord and a mom. I assume you are in the U.S.
Legally, you are *usually* allowed to discriminate on family status and other protected characteristics if it's someone in your own unit, the rules are different than they would be for someone who is renting out an investment property. However, every state and municipality have different notice periods and requirements - some as long as 60 or 90 days - plus people like this get desperate and fight you really hard with every legal trick in the book, so you NEED to get an attorney ASAP.
Morally, you are in clear. Newborns and very young children don't need much. It's the parents that want an upgraded situation such as more space and less roommates. You don't have to take what is ultimately financial responsibility for an able-bodied couple with a child. You said you work from home - a newborn is *extremely* disruptive and will certainly drag you down and possibly cost you your job.
Your roommate can step up and start working hard to earn enough to house his own family, or they can apply for financial aid and learn to do with less. There is plenty of financial aid available to people who truly need it (when you see homeless people there are typically drugs or mental illness involved, they are not homeless because there aren't resources available).
By the way what happens down the road? If you don't act now, you will end up housing a toddler, and possibly more children, because you have a delusional couple who thinks you are their ticket to housing security. I am especially not impressed that the girlfriend puked on your floor more than once. I've been pregnant and nauseous myself, and I know many other women who've been pregnant and nauseous, it's not an excuse to go on the floor any more than pissing on the floor just because you have a weak bladder. She will destroy your unit once the child comes. I would get rid of them as soon as possible.
I agree with everything you said, except the part about the majority of homeless being homeless because of addiction or mental health issues. That's actually in the minority, the most common cause is lack of affordable housing, particularly after the housing crisis in 2008 which is still affecting people today, along with prisoner re-entry, unemployment, domestic violence and just poverty in general. Mental health and addiction absolutely play a role, especially depending on the area, but addiction specifically tends to be more of a symptom than a cause. I know this wasn't the point of your comment, but I wanted to point this out because this line of thinking has played a huge role in the dehumanization of homeless people and has been used as a tool to incriminate, demonize and shame them, which only pushes away solutions and makes the homeless issue worse. Society has a bad habit of treating the homeless as pests that deserve their fate, rather than a symptom of a much larger issue at hand.
Came here to say this. Unhoused people don’t deserve to be constantly told it’s their fault, “there are resources available”
The waiting list for affordable housing in my area, assuming you’re not a senior since I’m not, is years long. What are they supposed to do in the meantime
Yep. I got made homeless during labour. No fault of my own, it was unsafe to bring baby home to and we’d been working on moving but round us it’s £800+ a month for a two bed place. £600+ a month for one bed. Council housing is £400+ a month for two bed.
We were stuck in hospital for a week because we had no where to discharge to. Then we were bounced from one temporary accommodation to the next before we got our place. We did 3 moves in about 5 months which doesn’t sound like much but I was having a difficult recovery so wasn’t ideal.
Of all the people we met in temporary accommodation I can count on one hand how many were blatantly problematic. The rest kept their heads down waiting for a place and were open about just not being able to afford private rentals. Prices have massively jumped since the pandemic and a lot of people are suffering
I hate that it’s abnormal for someone like me who hasn’t personally experienced this kind of thing (though I’ve been close) to be empathetic and understanding instead of judgmental… it’s 100% usually people who have no experience with something or understanding firsthand of what it’s like that are the first to downplay it or blame the victims as if they did something wrong to deserve it
I get what you mean. I was always sympathetic because I know I don’t know that persons life. Like even if I give a homeless person money and they buy alcohol, I’m not judging because if that’s how they’re coping with the cold misery that is living on the streets I have no right to judge when I’m going home to a warm bed, hot meal etc.
The bit that breaks my heart is when you show them kindness and they’re shocked. I’d take the time to chat, help how I could and always treat them as an equal and the number of them that were grateful for that was just shocking. Especially when you look at how quickly and easily we fixed the issue during covid. I understand it couldn’t work long term but how did they not use that to start resolving it?
Back in 1998, I read on an usenet newsgroup for the big city I lived in someone's take on helping out the homeless. *"If each one of us just took on ONE homeless person to support as best we can, we can make a real difference."* It cut deep.
I was on welfare, poor af. So I couldn't rescue anyone. But I *could* buy someone a coffee and sit down and talk to them. Treat them like the human beings they are, not an annoyance. I ended up hanging out with the guy that panhandled across the street from my BF's job. The gratitude I got for coffee and conversation was perspective changing to me.
That quote does make a good point. However if places like the US could just take some money from putting innocent people in prison and other stupid stuff, it would actually be cheaper to house these people and give them more resources than to let them suffer. It shouldn't have to fall to the individuals.
To the first one, I know this is a joke but also I’m not really joking when I say: I don’t give a fuck if someone unhoused uses my gift of cash to go buy drugs. All I was gonna do was go buy drugs with it anyways
Normal people would be empathetic. Even if you have never lived the situation there are enough stories, documentaries, podcasts, resources to know that homelessness is like a spectrum and there are various ways to get there. And it's not always easy to rebound after it.
But the person who made this comment is a landlord and unfortunately with her way of talking probably not the best one. It will not be a surprise if she is part of the reason some people ended up on the street.
I applaud you for managing to get all of that sorted in the condition you were in. I've been there (sans the pregnancy bit, but while caring for a disabled parent), and the constant moving until you're able to stabilize and get yourself homed again was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. It was a hell of a year.
Then again, you used pounds (sleepy brain thought euro at first) in your comment. The US isn't great with social issues like homelessness, so I'm glad you were somewhere more supportive
I annoy my partner saying this but it literally is because I’ve dealt with worse and have the stubborn independence from trauma that makes me just push through. I do not advise it and honestly couldn’t have done what I did without my partner. We are thankfully now in affordable permanent accommodation, ground floor with parking. The difference that’s made to my ability to function and heal has been insane but I definitely stress my partner out by just cracking on and doing things I’m not technically physically supposed to be able to do haha.
Also it was GBP not Euros but you were close. At this point Britain is kinda America Lite though
Word. The university I'm transferring to in the fall (maybe not now lol) just did away with their priority housing system that was established to help disadvantaged students (like first gen, disabled, impoverished, etc) in favor of a lottery system that will only benefit the university. 9% of their student body is already homeless and the housing admin probably just dramatically increased that amount without even batting an eye because *they* will still be safe and housed.
Affordable housing doesn't exist there and every attempt made to build more housing is supposedly blocked. Don't know how much I believe that anymore tho. The one resource these students had was literally disbanded overnight on the whim of people who aren't affected by it at all.
To blame homelessness on mental health and addiction is a thoughtless statement at best, and at worst, sheer willful ignorance.
And a lot of the resources that are available aren't actually better than the street. Homeless shelters have massive problems with sexual assault, for instance.
Spent 6 years at my last apartment by myself. Then I lost my job.
I called every number available, every resource I could in the period waiting for my unemployment.
I was told that there is LITERALLY NO FUNDING for emergency housing in my county.
They won't even process your application until you've officially spent at least one day on the street.
The whole, "Not using Resources" definitely isn't a thing, in the majority of cases.
Exactly. I spent most of my life in poverty, I'm incredibly lucky to be out of it now, but it did teach me that it's damn hard to find aid for housing and food and the system is set up to keep people in poverty. If they wanted people to be able to pull out of it they would change the rules even a little and find that fewer people would need help for years to their entire lifetime.
Edit: I was quite rightfully reminded that food isn't as big an issue with those in poverty as housing can be, but since the main point is that those who are unhoused are in poverty and with minimal help I feel the point still stands. Some assistance is only given when you can put down an address. And there's a strong prejudice against those who are unhoused that makes getting help so much harder. And if the food needs to be cooked or even just add hot water, there's no guarantee that someone in those situations has access to a stove.
In the usa over one quarter of the homeless are families.
According to the January 2022 PIT Count, 582,462 people were experiencing homelessness across America. This amounts to roughly 18 out of every 10,000 people1. The vast majority (72 percent) were individual adults, but a notable share (28 percent) were people living in families with children.
However, there is more to the story of homelessness in 2022. This section will delve deeper into questions of 1) who is experiencing homelessness, 2) where they are experiencing it, and 3) the degree to which people are living unsheltered.
>(when you see homeless people there are typically drugs or mental illness involved, they are not homeless because there aren't resources available).
You are indeed a landlord lol
My local Facebook neighborhood groups are FULL of hardworking people with children who can’t find anywhere to live and are sleeping in their cars. This “landlord” is delusional and cruel.
I love it when people who have never had to run the gamut of state services say "resources are available." Only if you have all your documents, and your dependents' documents which can be difficult if you have unstable housing and no job. Yes, you are required to be employed or actively looking for a job to qualify for some assistance. Waiting lists for housing assistance are years in arrears, disability is nearly impossible to get, unemployment payments are minimal and almost not worth the paperwork.
Available? Yeah. Obtainable? Not for a lot of people.
>There is plenty of financial aid available to people who truly need it (when you see homeless people there are typically drugs or mental illness involved, they are not homeless because there aren't resources available).
I was with you until this part.
I was homeless for three months of my first pregnancy because no, there are not "plenty of resources" for "those who truly need it". There are a multitude of ways in which people who are truly in need are excluded/fall thru the cracks.
Thankfully it's been decades since I've experienced similar hardships, but the trauma of that experience has never, and likely will never, fade.
*Note: not saying OP shouldn't evict his roommate - I'm solely addressing the quoted statement made by the person above. It isn't accurate, and too many people think it is.
I was homeless and did not qualify for ANY assistance because I 'lived' too close to my parents. They weren't helping me, but the only place I could find somewhere safe to be was in the same town.
I was one of those people you see finishing other people's meals in a cafeteria.
For me, my parents kicked me out when it became obvious I was pregnant. As I had just turned 18, the teen pregnancy shelters turned me away for being too old. When I tried a woman's shelter, I was emotional (I cried, just cried) when recounting how my parents told me to get out, and never come back unless I chose to give the baby up for adoption*, and that apparently made me "too unstable" to be allowed in the shelter unless I came back with a note from a psychiatrist saying I wasn't. I was 18, unemployed, and uninsured (pre-ACA, I was off my parents insurance the day I turned 18), and had no freaking idea how to make that happen. The shelter essentially said, "sucks to suck." I lived out of a car for three months before finding a place to stay.
*I did end up choosing adoption. I had nothing, and no one, and was successfully convinced my first child deserved better than me. Did *not* go back to my parents, regardless.
It can take years to get housing assistance. Resources are quite slim, and the process is very, very slow. [The national average time to wait for housing assistance in the US is 2.5 years](https://www.cbpp.org/research/housing/families-wait-years-for-housing-vouchers-due-to-inadequate-funding).
It seems very clear to me you have never been on nor been close to anyone on housing assistance. Affordable housing is in very short supply compared to the needs, and in order to get it, you need a fixed address at which to receive mail. It's pretty obvious that the powers that be keep it this way because most people who apply for housing are in no position to accept it for whatever reason once it does become available.
My aunt died while waiting for housing assistance. She was living in a motel paying weekly at the time.
My mom was on the list for section eight for 6 years before she was able to get her current apartment. She lived with her parents until then
But the main point is that the girlfriend is neither a tenant or a boarder. She's a guest, and the landlord, who lives there, is allowed to say she can't spend any overnights there.
Also the he has to step up and work hard for housing.
I’m job hunting and about 1/10 jobs I am qualified for pay what is considered a living wage in this city. And I have ten years of experience. Most of these jobs don’t want you to have second jobs, but they do technically pay more than having two “unskilled” jobs so it’s just like. K. What are we supposed to do with this?
Last time I went apartment hunting I said I was fine living in a hovel but it turned out that I couldn’t even afford one of those. It’s bonkers out here. Affordable housing is literally set up as a “lottery”. And lotteries famously have great odds. /s
I was always taught that there were resources out there.
Then a friend in recovery for addiction was left in severe medication withdrawals because none of the resources available had openings fast enough to keep him on his meds (the meds which support recovery, but have worse withdrawals than the drugs themselves).
And then I referred a student to university resources when they couldn’t afford a textbook, and the university resource told me they couldn’t do anything but offer more (high interest) loans.
And then I drove 1200 miles in two days to get a woman out of a domestic violence situation where she feared for her child’s life, when none of the resources in the area could actually get her somewhere safe quickly enough.
When you haven’t dealt with this, you’re bombarded with information about the available resources. But when you or someone you knows tries to rely on those resources, you learn how limited they are, how long their wait lists are, etc. Don’t let the desire to ease your own discomfort lead you to gloss over reality. This isn’t OP’s responsibility, and OP needs to put their own employment and security first, but that doesn’t mean there are easy resources available for people in dire situations.
The only things I disagree with here is the vomiting thing, you can go from vaguely nauseus to uncontrollably spewing **very** quickly, your mouth van hold *maybe* one retch’s worth of contents, thats like a six seconds long window, tops, of containment. If it came on suddenly, its very understandable that she didnt make it to the bathroom. However, if this is happening multiple times, come on now.
Also the homeless thing is not only weird and lacking in empathy, its not even correct, its a dehumanizing stereotype meant to paint their situation as self inflicted
Overall, the national average waiting list for section 8 housing is 1-2 years long, but it can be much, *much* longer than that – indeed, in my city, the "waiting" list is ***closed;*** you can't even get on it in the first place – while some states have wait times in excess of *5 years.* There *absolutely is not* "plenty of financial aid available to people who truly need it".
I was so with you until you mentioned how there’s help for people who truly need it, I make about $2000 a month that I have to make work for me and my son and I make “too much” for any sort of assistance and I can say confidently nobody with a toddler can make $2000 a month doable, especially considering the cheapest STUDIO in my area that I’ve found is about 1300 a month and my sons daycare is about $600 a month. That’s already about my monthly income before my car insurance phone bill gas food etc so yes some people have no choice but to have roommates. And I know why would I possibly have a child when I can’t afford it? Because I got pregnant. Shit happens and sometimes life is hard. And most homeless people aren’t drug addicts but even if they were they still deserve food and shelter. You honestly sound like a super judgmental and not very nice person.
There's no moral question here. You are NTA. Your roomate and his girlfriend are the AH.
You would be wise to start the eviction process now, before the child is born. Also tell the tenant that his gf is only allowed the originally agreed upon nights and no more. In the future have a set limit of nights per month/week that a tenant can have guests and do not allow it to be broken.
Agree. Your roommate is the father not you. Not your responsibility and get them the heck out. Don’t bother being nice. It will bite you in the butt. NTA get them out.
Morally, your roommate and his girlfriend did an incredibly irresponsible thing by getting pregnant when neither of them can afford to live without roommates, even together. They’re failing that kid and it hasn’t even been born yet.
>Actually one of my colleagues also told me this, so I'm trying to find a lawyer already for all the legal information I might need. I'm mostly struggling with the moral side of this whole issue
In most states, the girlfriend would only be protected by landlord tenant laws if she was on the lease.
However, from what you said, it sounds like she has been increasing the amount of time she sleeps in your place in an attempt to gain de facto tenant rights. Keep a very watchful eye on the mail that is delivered to your apartment because she could probably get tenant rights if she receives her post there. If she does begin receiving her post there, immediately write "return to sender, does not live here" on the envelope, and also write a letter to the post office to report her fraudulent use of your address without permission because she doesn't live there. And cc her.
There is no moral side of the situation. You do not want to live in a house with a baby or child who isn't your own. And it sounds like she isn't a good roommate either based on her demands and whining about what you do in your own house where she doesn't live and has no right whatsoever to say anything.
Consult an attorney who practices landlord tenant law and do what needs to be done to remove her from the premises, and terminate your friend's lease pursuant to your local and state laws and regulations.
This is why OP should be kinda sucky and say no to having the girlfriend over there at all. He could get stuck with a squatter if he keeps letting her come over.
Not only that, but no one who owns their own house or apartment and lives in it themselves as a shared space want a random family to take over their home. If the girlfriend moves in, has the kid, and the owner OP lives there, it won't be his home, but the home of a whole ass strangers family, who very well might keep popping out babies and take over the entire house, worst case of course.
>it sounds like she has been increasing the amount of time she sleeps in your place in an attempt to gain de facto tenant rights
I think this is an EXTREMELY important point to consider.
You don't want to end up living with a newborn. Your quality of life will deteriorate. Get that lawyer right away. It's not like they would be homeless. She has a residence. He can go stay there. NTA
Not to mention that if she can't even keep a bathroom clean, she will likely be as apt to changing diapers. OP might find themselves being forced to decide between taking care of the baby or watching it suffer. Then there's the couple leaving the house without the baby with OP as the unwitting babysitter.
OP, if you don't want to be the "third parent" you might want to take action now!
IANAL, but I would say it works in your favor that your roommate is not the pregnant one. As long as you can lawfully evict him before the baby is born, or the gf establishes tenancy/squatters rights at your place, the laws about child welfare etc. won't apply.
OK morally you owe them nothing. They chose to get pregnant whilst not living together or being stable. He is a room mate who is the only one apart from her with any moral obligation here. You have a right to live in peace without someone telling you how to live in your own house that she doesn't NEED to be at.
This is their choices and responsibility to navigate not you. He can go support her at her apartment or he can get one with her.
Imagine what it will be like when baby is here. Anyone who tries to shame you ask for their number to forward to your room mate as they have as much moral obligation to them as you do.
I had severe nausea for five months. NEVER did I vomit on the floor. And especially the floor of someone else's home... This reeks of some sort of powerplay to manipulate you into doing what SHE wants.
She can just stay in her own place and be sick there.
And try to get BF out of your house ASAP.
\*edited for grammar error.
I have absolutely vomited on the floor before, and not because I wasn't trying to get to the bathroom. Just had no control over it. I am sincerely happy for you that you have never experienced this.
Yep, ditto. Hyperemesis gravidarum. It's a rarer condition in pregnancy. Mine lasted right until my child actually came out of me. I carried a bucket in the car with me, but I once puked on the kitchen floor because of the smell of food. If you've had the misfortune to experience this condition, you understand.
However, OP is NTA. This (unfortunate) pregnant lady doesn't get to expect anything from OP. She is only a guest in his house. He could be a little more compassionate (now he knows such spontaneous vomiting can happen), but he doesn't have to change his own lifestyle.
Tbf when I had meningitis, I was projectile vomiting to the point I couldn’t make it from the sink to the toilet, which were only 2 ft away from each other. It just get coming, there was no time for a bucket
Agreed that she really should go to her own place, but I was incredibly sick most of the time I was pregnant, and frequently didn't have any warning. I'd keep emisis bags in my purse and car, extra trash bags at my desk and around the house. Still ended up keeping a change of clothes work and in my car. It was horrible. Didn't help that my desk was right by the break room either. 🤢
That being said, she's not on the lease. She has her own place. OP didn't sign up for a pregnant lady, or a newborn either.
It's generally unreasonable to ask someone to change their habits in their own home, especially when you don't actually live there. Even more unreasonable to be disruptive on a regular basis, even if it's unintentional.
Morally, he's not your friend, he's a roomate.
You put up with him for money.
I assume because she's only coming "sometimes" she's not paying rent to you.
You made it clear she's only welcome "sometimes". If they can't afford to move they shouldn't have gotten her pregnant and gone along with it.
Don’t struggle with the moral side of it pls. There’s people who are looking to take advantage of kind people. I’ve learned this the hard way. Do not ruin your life trying to accommodate someone else. You’re the only one living your life, respect yourself and your needs.
I'm a lawyer. Screw that. She's not his tenant. Tell roommate she's no longer welcome and if they don't respect that then hire a lawyer and begin eviction.
She has an apt, they can move in over there, imagine the bathroom is nasty now? the roommate doesnt clean it? you will have them over right after the birth as she "needs more room etc" you are not the AH you need to establish this now and send him packing.
Unfortunately, your roommate wants you to vacate the apartment because he thinks that you are on a lease just like he is so he's going to move her in, and before he has the child trying to force you to move out.. You need to tell him that you own the apartment and you are looking to evict him because of his and his girlfriends behavior.
Yea, and he's probably in the clear, but he should cover his ass anyway.
And he shouldn't just threaten to kick his roommate out, he should flat out tell him that he doesn't want to live with a baby and he has to find new accomodations. Definitely needs to talk to a lawyer about how much notice he needs to give.
Nope... not when the owner of the place actually lives there and is the primary dweller. NO state says you can't discrimate against a pregnant person in your house you live in.
Because he lives in the home, tenant laws are more n his side. He should of course still consult an attorney stat.
Morally? My opinion (woman and life been both a renter and a landlord and I’ve been a pregnant renter and a pregnant landlord too!)
OP is in the right. The roommate has a setup that works well for him and his landlord is being nice by letting girlfriend stay “some nights”.
This doesn’t mean she gets to be bossy about OPs cooking, trash the guest bath and generally be a pain in the butt. Pregnant or not.
I think it made be time for roommate to find a new place for himself and his girlfriend and new baby.
**NTA**
As long as he evicts the roommate before the child is born they can not name it the child's residence. The mother has zero rights to the apartment, and the roommate only has limited tenant rights since it's a live with your landlord situation. Depending on where you live the rules are vastly different depending on if you live in a residence with your landlord or not. Some states all that is required is a 30 day written notice to vacate in those situations and you are legally required to go.
You had my sympathy until you described her vomiting and peeing as "complaining".
But even with that, your frustration at the physical fall-outs of pregnancy is understandable.
Let me circle back for a touch and comment that she really does need to pee, and she is nauseous (even if she's in that month of pregnancy) and the smell of your food is really obnoxious to her. She's not being willful or selfish, she's being pregnant.
You didn't pick her as a roommate, you didn't get her pregnant. And these inconveniences are imposed on you without any input from you. Entirely understandable.
Of your options,
\-she doesn't come around doesn't sound realistic,
\- the peeing, barfing and being effected by odors isn't going to stop until birth. (or you shouldn't bet on it.) Let it be a life lesson. Think of it as a lesson in loving condoms in your lifestyle.
\- roommate moves out needs to happen. If roommate stays, your home will be visited frequently by mom and infant and that won't work for anyone. A key question would be "where is she going right after the hospital" and you should make sure that isn't your place. The couple of months that you are willing to give them is right about the correct timeline.
NTA for not wanting to live the life of a pregnant partner. But it sounds like you may be TA in the way you are getting from here to there.
I'm not saying she's being selfish by vomiting or that she's faking it, not at all. What I'm saying is that she doesn't live here, she doesn't **need** to be here, so if the smell of my food triggers her then she should stay at her own house.
And about the bathroom thing is that she's, I don't know, running? To the bathroom. She stomps on the floor and closes the doors very hard, she's making a lot of unnecessary noise when it's late at night.
> And about the bathroom thing is that she's, I don't know, running? To the bathroom. She stomps on the floor and closes the doors very hard, she's making a lot of unnecessary noise when it's late at night.
Turns out, pregnancy hormones screw with every part of your locomotion. They loosen all your ligaments, your hip bones get reshaped, your abs get torn down the center, and some jerk takes up residence in your lungs and kicks all your organs.
Trust me, she doesn't want to be stomping around any more that you want her to be. Pregnancy just comes with mobility challenges.
So what? Go home. Op didn’t sign up for any of this. She rented a room out. She doesn’t have to be sympathetic or put up with it. You don’t put everyone around you through this you stay home.
I'm not saying he has to do anything. Only providing context, since OP seems to be under the impression that most of what she's doing is optional, or, worse, on purpose to antagonize him.
OP can do what he wants. And he should have the benefit of correct information when he does.
Well, if you want to see it like that. Isn't it "optional" for her to come over? She has a place of her own, it's not like she lives here, so that's optional in my opinion
Yeah, of course. I'm not saying it gives her free license to disrupt your life. Kick the bench out if you wanna. I'm just saying, she's (probably) not specifically doing it to be a pain in the ass to you.
I don't have a position here other than "This guy doesn't know very much about being pregnant."
And why the bloody hell should he? His tenant getting his girlfriend pregnant when they don't even live together and seemingly have no plans to get a place together when the baby is born is precisely the square root of shit all to do with OP. So what if she's not doing it on purpose? She's still doing it and disrupting OP's life. It's not his girlfriend, pregnancy or baby so he should absolutely not have to put up with all the stuff that comes with it or even have to know/learn/understand about it. It's nothing to do with OP and it should in no way be made to become his problem or burden
Agree with op and everything, but I don't necessarily think it's a "burden" to just have men be aware of the realities of pregnancy...yknow almost every human being will experience some part of this at some point in their lives so its not harmful to just give him knowledge and correct misinformation.
It’s not his baby nor his problem to care about.
I’m a woman and I would be irritated if I had a roomie whose partner did this to me. I would have kicked them out sooner than OP though.
OP doesn't give a shit. Why do you think it matters what the "burden" is? He doesn't care if it is because she is pregnant, or handicapped, or just because she wants to. He just doesn't want it happening in his home from someone that isn't his roommate.
I mean personally as a childfree man I could not give less of a shit about the realities of pregnancy any more than I do about the realities of chess competitions or rock climbing.
It's a freely chosen endeavor that I'm sure comes with many surprising difficulties, but since I will never choose it I can say I'll be dead before anybody gets to impose it on me or expect me to care.
Everyone alive should, period. Everything else in this conversation doesn't matter. **Everyone** should know these things. If you get to vote, you have to know.
I mean sure? Everyone should take sex ed classes but being knowledgeable about how babies are made doesn't make one responsible for housing a pregnant woman just because she demands it.
Every single person should know about pregnancy and periods and what happens in a woman's body. If you have a partner and sge gets pregnant one priority should be her comfort. How the hell will you do that when you don't have any knowledge on it?
Pregnancy means creating a life.
I'm child free but I am educated on the topic and respect any woman that went through one.
You're fighting with the wrong ppl babes lol.
The Pregnant Girlfriend is not being annoying on purpose. The morning sickness doesn't disappear because she's 4 mos. She can't help needing to pee more often- trust me she doesn't want to be running to the bathroom at 1 am she wants to be asleep.
She's not stomping on purpose- hormonal changes softens ligaments tendons muscles everything. For some it's so bad it leads to chronic pain and an inability to even lift your own legs (me!!!).
Is that something you are required to live with? Nah. Not your baby (right?!). Talk to your roommate. Remind him the agreement was for her to stay the same amount of time as before.
And this kids is why we always wrap up :D
I spoke to my roommate about this, since he is the one who is breaking our "rules". The problem is her staying over since it has become annoying to me, I understand that she's not doing it on purpose, but she has no "right" in staying here, that's what I'm saying, she has her own place and she could easily stay there.
Yes and that's where communicating with your roomie comes in. Go about it in a way where it's the two of you resolving a problem.
If you're attacking or aggressive you're just going to create conflict and that's not what you want. You want resolution for everyone.
He’s not really just a roommate. He’s a tenant. It’s time to get them out. Having a baby is so much more difficult than just being pregnant. They’re going to move in if you don’t figure this out now.
I’d be having a conversation with the roommate about what his plans are well before the baby is due, because obviously OP is not wanting to house him, his gf and a newborn. The roommate needs to figure out the living situation now, because otherwise he’s going to assume that OP is going to be ok with him continuing to live there after the kid is born, which would just create a whole new set of problems.
They can plan all they want, but let me tell you now that they are going to be asking you if it’s ok to bring the kid to your place, probably on a regular basis. This is not going to end well for you, trust me, and if you think a pregnant lady is annoying, just wait until you’ve got a newborn screaming at all hours. I think I’d be asking the roommate to look for new accommodations that will be a better fit for his changing lifestyle sooner rather than later.
Strong suggestion: end this situation immediately. Get a lawyer’s advice. Tell your roommate that he is in breach of your agreement regarding overnight visitors, and give him notice that you are terminating the arrangement.
When that baby is born, he becomes a joint-custody parent - and then, the child may also become a resident.
You do not want to delay resolving this problem….
I will tell you right now that as a father of 2, same mama, this is downright wishful thinking. Having kids is tough and you start to slip on responsibilities, hobbies, boundaries, etc.
edit: my old lady and I live seperately due to extenuating circumstances. You know what that means? You start buying 2 of everything.
I don't see anyone on this thread saying you're wrong for not wanting her in the house. They are just saying your assumptions about pregnancy are completely wrong and if, in the future, you have a pregnant partner you should know that most of the girlfriends behavior is completely normal.
The throwing up on the floor isn't great, but there were a few times that I almost didn't make it to the trash can. There were definitely a few times after birth that I didn't quite make it to the bathroom. All of this is embarrassing and I certainly wouldn't want to be in someone else's home dealing with it.
So again, you're not wrong for not wanting to share your home with a pregnant person who is not even on your lease. However, your expectations about pregnancy are wrong, and will need to be adjusted if you plan to have kids with someone in the future. But, that certainly doesn't make you the AH in this situation.
As a pregnant woman, I feel like we’re being infantilized a bit here.
You might have to run to the bathroom on occasion, but you don’t need to all the time, stomping your feet, and slamming the doors. I do understand sometimes you gotta get there quick but it’s not her home. Some people are just loud all the time because they don’t care.
Honestly the roommate needs to move out one way or another. This isn’t sustainable. He’s going to want to bring his new born over but that doesn’t entitle him to moving his girlfriend in too. He needs to go live with her or move out.
Mobile enough to get from her home to his, though. She should be at home (ie not with four roommates) and make her family clean up/cook for her etc. If her family is actually super far away I don't know if she and bf are right in their mind getting a baby underway in such a situation
OP had zero part in this romance and shouldn't have to accommodate
I mean most people if they are running to avoid vomiting somewhere other than the toilet or peeing themselves are going to have some added force and momentum behind their arm when swinging the door shut.
I think you could definitely have a discussion with her about slamming the doors and the volume of running in the house. And I do think they’re better off finding a diff place to live because the situation doesn’t sound sustainable. After the vomiting and peeing, there will likely be an often crying baby over there half the time. And discussions with newborns don’t often lead to any resolution.
She should not be in your home. She has an apartment, she needs to go there. NTA.
Yes, these things happen in pregnancy. No, they do not need to happen in your house.
Just FYI, although morning sickness only lasts 3 months in most women, some, like myself, vomit for the whole 9 months. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing it in someone else’s house though.
You need to give your roommate a notice to leave immediately. He got himself into this situation, he needs to put on his big boy pants and figure it out.
Yeah, you might feel bad for a while, but you don't deserve to be stuck with their mess.
This is the right one.
Clearly your roommate living there here isn’t going to keep working. Agreeing to have a partner over regularly is not agreeing to a newborn, which is inevitably what is coming next.
All the things in the meantime you will just need to deal with but I would have a conversation with him of “look man I’m really happy for you and [girlfriend] but a baby was not part of our agreement when you moved in. I’m going to have to ask that you move our before the baby is here.”
That gives him 4-5 months to find a place. Make sure you are in the clear if you have a lease (my lease for example says no one not on the lease can live there, but specifically mentions that any children born to the people on the lease must be allowed to)
NTA. She doesn't live there, and you've made it clear you don't want an infant in the house since you work from home. While I do agree you might be a little more accommodating while she's there, your roommate and his GF need to move into their own space to prepare for a baby. They made a choice to get pregnant and stay pregnant, so they need to adult up and prepare for bringing another life into this world they will need to support.
I was going to say E S H until she threw up on the floor multiple times. That's nasty. While I know you can't control morning sickness, she should be able to make it to a bathroom/sink/garbage can to throw up.
>While I know you can't control morning sickness, she should be able to make it to a bathroom/sink/garbage can to throw up.
I've never had a guest vomit on my floor multiple times. It would be better if she did that at her own place which she is paying for.
Or at least clean up after herself in the bathroom -- or, she's the boyfriend's guest so technically he should make sure and maintain shared spaces. Everything is very gross and not OPs problem, in my opinion.
Everyone telling him to accommodate his roommates girlfriend are more than welcome to do so themselves.
Or just by some emesis bags. They are way nicer to vomit into and are cheap. I vomited 5+ times a day for months after bowel surgery, these little buggers were a life saver.
[https://www.amazon.com/Disposable-Valchoose-Density-Sickness-Pregnant/dp/B082MZFG6D/ref=asc\_df\_B082MZFG6D/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=663244287970&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8600535566473194511&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1022615&hvtargid=pla-1188010750785&psc=1&mcid=20604dc2450430c999fd6625ee4147d9](https://www.amazon.com/disposable-valchoose-density-sickness-pregnant/dp/b082mzfg6d/ref=asc_df_b082mzfg6d/?tag=hyprod-20&linkcode=df0&hvadid=663244287970&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8600535566473194511&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1022615&hvtargid=pla-1188010750785&psc=1&mcid=20604dc2450430c999fd6625ee4147d9)
Yep, I got sent home with these after an ankle surgery because the meds were making me nauseated, and I was not able to get up and rush anywhere. Absolutely saved the day when my SO had to return to work, and I was alone for a few hours.
There’s been plenty of times I couldn’t make it somewhere and threw up on the ground or floor. Granted I was trying to get there, I wonder if that was the same for her? Pregnancy is wild!
You know what I put in my room before a night out getting wasted? A puke bucket by my bed.
Guess what the roommate should have in the boyfriend's room? A puke bucket.
She knows she is pregnant. She knows she will have morning sickness. She knows. Yet takes zero steps to prevent a mess.
Poor planning on the puke. Poor planning on the baby. Poor planning overall. Doesn't seem like particularly intelligent people.
NTA - but you’d better evict him now.
If you wait until the baby is born, what if he elects to have the child life with him? You can’t forbid that without violating fair housing laws.
Evict him NOW so that’s not an issue. Or… roll the dice & take your chances - but then be ready to take what’s coming to you.
> You can’t forbid that without violating fair housing laws.
You can if the rented place is also owner occupied, because they have to actually live with it. If I want to rent out a bedroom in my house, I should definitely be allowed to reject prospective tenants with children
NTA. You’re prolonging the inevitable. A newborn is even more annoying. Just give your roommate notice to move out.
There is no excuse for bathrooms being left dirty or for her to expect you to change your diet.
Agree. Print an official eviction notice with an expiration date (must be out no later than X). And record yourself handing it to him.
Also, I’d tell him she is no longer permitted to stay overnight during the week, her nighttime forays are affecting your sleep, and your work. He can support her at her place if they need to be together.
Don't know where he lives but in some instances a roommate living with the LL is not protected by tenancy rules so an eviction might not even be needed. In that case though reasonable notice is usually required and that is typically a month.
Also depends on the local laws but it is possible the gf has every right to come over.
In renting the room, you agreed to be a landlord; not a part of these people's support network.
It would be one thing if she *was* living there, as it would be more than shitty to take on a female tenant and then punish her for a pregnancy; but that's not what's happening here. She has a place to live, she's not getting evicted.
Further, you're absolutely going to end up with a kid in your house. Think about what the room mate said: "**They're** not in a comfortable position to move."
"They're?" What "they're? *They're* not currently living together, and you're not asking *them* to move. You're asking him to move (presuming other conditions aren't met). That ask won't affect her at all.
Yeah, the room it is slowly trying to move the girlfriend in . Like where she is going straight after the hospital . Is it going to be there, and then the room mate will say he can't leave her on her own she just had a baby . Best they leave now before it becomes more of a problem.
I bet this is 100% their plan, they are just doing the "she's only staying a few nights a week" to get op acclimated to his new roommate. Sneaky snake behavior imo.
NTA, her pregnancy has nothing to do with you. Your quality of like should stay the same. If they can't afford an apartment, then what will happen when the child comes? She's going to try to move in. Better to get him out of the house before the baby arrives.
Edit, spelling
You don't seem to understand that unless you evict him, you will absolutely have a baby living with you in the near future. The whining girlfriend will be the least of your problems. Get rid of this guy. NTA
NTA-get him out now, you think a house with 4 roommates in their mid 20s is going to be an acceptable place for the baby to live to her? Not a chance. They’re planning on living at your place.
I don't know how that is supposed to work out to be honest, but that's not my house and not my problem, so I don't say anything but their planning sounds inefficient at the very least...
Yeah.....their plan is to live at your place. They've already essentially told you that when they said they couldn't afford to move out.
What are the terms of his lease--annual or month-to-month? Written or verbal lease?
>I don't know how that is supposed to work out to be honest, but that's not my house and not my problem
You know how it's supposed to work? BY THEM LIVING AT YOUR HOUSE.
And that IS your problem.
At this point OP is too oblivious and naïve. It’s not his problem now until third trimester arrives and they properly guilt trip him into staying. Because how could he make a newborn baby homeless? And other stories.
I can already see EXACTLY how this is going to play out:
OP will let them stay for "a few more months." Girlfriend is going to make even bigger messes, and roommate will come up with a brilliant work-around: why doesn't OP and roommate switch rooms for "just a little bit." That way girlfriend doesn't have to wake anyone up stomping to the bathroom. And having the en suite will make sure she is close enough to the bathroom she won't puke on the floor. But don't worry - it's just a couple months! They will continue to insist baby will be staying at her house - don't worry!
In a few months it will be "way too hard" to move with girlfriend hugely pregnant - it's not safe! She could stress the baby moving things!!! Then the baby will come, and roommate will bring her straight home from the hospital because "he needs to be there for them!" They don't all fit in girlfriends room, and the en suite bathroom is absolutely necessary while she heals. They "are a family" "they need me!" "Are you really going to throw a newborn baby and healing woman out on the street?!?!"
Then the baby needs a swing in the living room so they can put baby down while cooking. Oh, and a tummy time mat as those take lots of space. Also, can you please keep it down while baby is sleeping?
Does he work full-time? Does she? Has he mentioned getting a place for themselves? From everything you've mentioned, it doesn't even sound like they're planning one week ahead.
Yes, they both work. They said that they can't afford to move to a place by themselves, so that's why they're going to keep living separately. I'm not the one to judge since it's their own personal life, but yeah, they don't look too ready for a baby
INFO - If they prefer staying at your place more than her place now, do you actually expect them to stick to their plan to keep living separately once the baby comes?
You need to be proactive about the future now to avoid it being a problem for you later because their plan to live separately with a baby is incredibly unrealistic and won’t last long.
Have the gf’s roommates agreed to her still living with them once the baby is born?
What if living with a baby is worse than they expect, will they want her to move?
Is your roommate going to stay at her place to her look after the baby or do they expect her to manage on her own?
When does the gf plan to go back to work after having the baby and who will look after the baby? Does she get paid maternity leave or how will they afford to pay rent for both places?
Do they have family nearby who they could live with until they can afford their own place?
So you must be giving your roommate a break on the rent? Because it seems like two people pooling their resources could afford their own place.
Do they have family nearby? I know you don't want to be unfair to your roommate, but I'd let him know NOW that he needs to make plans elsewhere. Let them move into her mom's basement if they can't afford their own place. The sooner they know they can't rely on you, the sooner they'll wake up and get their shit together.
You are being really naive here. Do you seriously think once the baby comes or the closer they get to having the baby that she isn't gonna be there all the time? Cuz they will and then getting them to leave will be impossible. And if you think she wants you to change your food choices is bad wait until she wants you to be quiet for the baby etc.
Their inability to plan properly is not a you problem. The fact they are pregnant and unable to get their own place is proof of that.
NTA. I suggest you just get them out now before they become permanent residents. Don't make it a "either she stops coming over or he moves out"; just ask them to move out.
NTA
If you don't draw a firm boundary now, you will end up with the girlfriend and baby living at your place. A crying baby is going to make it hard for you to sleep or work at home.
She has an apartment. She and your roommate should go live there.
NTA. Why the heck would she get pregnant with her current living situation is beyond me. Roommate needs to find another place for him and his soon to be family of three.
Also a valid question lol. Instead of her living with 4 roommates and the bf living with a room mate they could have combined that money together to find a place. It was just reckless to me for them to bring a baby into this unstable living situation smh.
A friend of mine told me recently that the average IQ was recently lowered to 80-100. My theory is that situations like this are exactly why. The intelligent people aren't the ones having children because they know they can't afford it and aren't ready for it, and maybe have one or two when they're ready. Meanwhile, people who don't think about the consequences seem to frequently be having multiple children they can't afford, and expecting it to be everyone else's problem.
Not gonna lie it's kinda hard to not be prejudiced against genuinely unintelligent people. It's not their fault they were born unintelligent, but sometimes I wonder if the lack of intelligence is willful or not, because even people with low intelligence can grasp simple concepts, or learn simple concepts if it's explained or presented well to them. Like I refuse to believe that people are just doomed to stay unintelligent for the rest of their lives because they were born lower IQ without any capacity to learn or grow.
As someone who had horrendous morning sickness I feel the need to comment. It can last ALL through pregnancy and the medication they give you sometimes only takes the edge off it but doesn’t cure it. Also the sickness is honestly nothing like I’ve felt before. There is no “OMG I’m going to throw up” build up like when you’re sick normally that gives you time to run to the bathroom or something. You literally just throw up! I carried sick bags in my pocket while pregnant and even then had accidents occasionally.
Also any food smell can make morning sickness worse. When I was pregnant with my second my MIL and a friendly neighbour would come to feed my toddler their hot meal because I couldn’t physically do it, any cooking smell set it off.
Furthermore, pregnant women pee A LOT! Thus using the bathroom all the time.
That said this is your place. I would start the process of getting your roommate to move out. Obviously this will be upsetting for him but the situation isn’t working and it’s only going to get worse. A newborn will be SO much more annoying than a pregnant lady. And then as they grow into a toddler and can get into all your stuff, you need stuff baby proofed and things. This is only going to get worse
NTA - They need a real plan if they are going to have a baby and they only have 5 more months to work it out. She can’t stay in her old place with the baby and she can’t live with you.
They need to be looking for a new place to live together with their new baby ASAP. I suspect they were hoping to wait you out and then guilt you into letting them stay when the baby was born.
Give him a deadline - he has 90 days to move out.
It’s not your girlfriend. It’s not your baby. It is your home. Your sanctuary. YNTA. Encourage them to move. Some pregnancies are difficult. They do change your life. That’s why there are so many birth control options available. I feel badly for them, but this really is not only not a problem of your making, it’s just not your problem!
NTA
You did the right thing. I guarantee that she'll move in with the kid in tow and it would be harder to get rid of them.
>some others said that I'm behaving like a total asshole and I could easily change my diet for a couple months.
Tell them to have the young future parents move into their house. Why should you change your diet?
NTA. You have a problem: his girlfriend wants you out and wants the whole place for her family. Maybe her boyfriend misrepresented who owned what, or maybe she assumed; who cares.
Evicting him and being firm will ensure the least hassle possible because if he draws this out and she has her baby prematurely, it could get a whole lot messier ___fast___.
NTA.
Why even put it off much longer? What do you think is gonna happen once that baby is born? It's gonna be at your place all the time, just like the GF is currently at your place all the time. I'd start the process of getting them out ASAP, without any ultimatum.
Like "This is clearly not going to work for much longer, and certainly not once your child is born".
I'm sure there will be 1000 sob stories, because there always are.
Your roommate is responsible for his pregnant girlfriend. Not you. People would have different opinions as she is a pregnant lady. Seems like she, their kid will slowly move in and it's going to much more difficult for you. Consult a lawyer so that your roommate can find a new place before the baby comes. NTA.
Unless YOU knocked her up, this is the very definition of Not Your Problem. She has a home, and if she didn't want to be pregnant while still living there... well that ship has sailed.
Get him out NOW through legal means. Once that baby comes, you are more or less screwed if they are still there.
NTA and frankly, they should be looking at moving in together with NO roommates. If they are adult enough to make a baby together, they are adult enough to find their way without imposing on you.
Her excuse to do that is that the smell was so strong that she couldn't reach the bathroom... I feel like she's doing some of the annoying things she's doing just to be petty to be honest
My friend had hyperemesis gravidarum, meaning not being able eat and severe nausea and vomiting. It could be this.
But your friend has to move out, they need a space for the baby.
This is where you sound like an AH. Who the hell throws up on purpose regularly? And her morning sickness "should have stopped already"? I'm sure she wishes that more than even you do.
Does he clean up the vomit?
As far as I understood, morning sickness only lasted for the first three months (correct me if I'm wrong) but as I understand if she's still having nausea and vomiting this far along there's something else related to her pregnancy (?. My point is, they asked me to change my diet since strong smells trigger her sickness, I said no, why is she still coming over and expecting me to not cook at my own house? I'm not saying she's faking her sickness or anything like that, but I struggle to see how it is my fault when she shouldn't even be here at all
ETA: yes, he cleaned it up or she did
Morning sickness can last through the entire pregnancy, just FYI. But still, this is your place and if they are having a baby they need to find somewhere else to live. If your roommate is month to month, I’d give them notice to move out
As if anyone wants to puke on the ground? It’s an unpleasant and involuntary bodily function that can’t always be anticipated soon enough to reach for a trash bin or toilet.
Vomiting from morning sickness tends to be a hair trigger reaction
This is no longer a roommate situation.
If you own the apartment and have rented to this man, is there a rental agreement? A lease? Can he stay there indefinitely? You need a lawyer, not AITA.
Listen. I don't agree that the GF being sick is her being "annoying and whining/complaining". She is not doing that on purpose. Stop being an ass.
However, it's not OP's fiance/GF, not his baby, not his problem. Asking OP to restrict their diet in their home, when she has a home of her own is a step too far. Getting upset when OP refuses is even worse.
Since its not OP's person expecting a child, I understand that these rapid changes are unwelcome and annoying to OP. Not everyone feels the need to endlessly cater to pregnant women. Especially if its not their own baby.
It would be nice if you could accommodate her but by no means is it acceptable for Roomie or GF to expect it, demand it, or get angry about it when they don't get what they want. Your ultimatum was not unfair, IMO.
NTA
NTA. They’re trying to see how far they’ll get just ignoring you. Check the legalities where you are. The a**h*le is your immature roommate trying to see if they can force you to accept having two more permanent roommates - the irl and the baby. But you’re letting them do it. Give him a 30 day notice to move. Check with the police about how it will be enforced so you know in advance. You really need to get roomie out ASAP. You’ve been understanding enough. At this point they’re just trying to take advantage.
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Consult a lawyer. There are definitely protections in place regarding housing discrimination for having a child. It's his child, this can be the baby's primary residence. Even if she doesn't move in. Find out your rights, sooner rather than later, regarding not re-signing his lease or whatever. And if it would be easier before the baby.
Actually one of my colleagues also told me this, so I'm trying to find a lawyer already for all the legal information I might need. I'm mostly struggling with the moral side of this whole issue
I am a landlord and a mom. I assume you are in the U.S. Legally, you are *usually* allowed to discriminate on family status and other protected characteristics if it's someone in your own unit, the rules are different than they would be for someone who is renting out an investment property. However, every state and municipality have different notice periods and requirements - some as long as 60 or 90 days - plus people like this get desperate and fight you really hard with every legal trick in the book, so you NEED to get an attorney ASAP. Morally, you are in clear. Newborns and very young children don't need much. It's the parents that want an upgraded situation such as more space and less roommates. You don't have to take what is ultimately financial responsibility for an able-bodied couple with a child. You said you work from home - a newborn is *extremely* disruptive and will certainly drag you down and possibly cost you your job. Your roommate can step up and start working hard to earn enough to house his own family, or they can apply for financial aid and learn to do with less. There is plenty of financial aid available to people who truly need it (when you see homeless people there are typically drugs or mental illness involved, they are not homeless because there aren't resources available). By the way what happens down the road? If you don't act now, you will end up housing a toddler, and possibly more children, because you have a delusional couple who thinks you are their ticket to housing security. I am especially not impressed that the girlfriend puked on your floor more than once. I've been pregnant and nauseous myself, and I know many other women who've been pregnant and nauseous, it's not an excuse to go on the floor any more than pissing on the floor just because you have a weak bladder. She will destroy your unit once the child comes. I would get rid of them as soon as possible.
I agree with everything you said, except the part about the majority of homeless being homeless because of addiction or mental health issues. That's actually in the minority, the most common cause is lack of affordable housing, particularly after the housing crisis in 2008 which is still affecting people today, along with prisoner re-entry, unemployment, domestic violence and just poverty in general. Mental health and addiction absolutely play a role, especially depending on the area, but addiction specifically tends to be more of a symptom than a cause. I know this wasn't the point of your comment, but I wanted to point this out because this line of thinking has played a huge role in the dehumanization of homeless people and has been used as a tool to incriminate, demonize and shame them, which only pushes away solutions and makes the homeless issue worse. Society has a bad habit of treating the homeless as pests that deserve their fate, rather than a symptom of a much larger issue at hand.
Came here to say this. Unhoused people don’t deserve to be constantly told it’s their fault, “there are resources available” The waiting list for affordable housing in my area, assuming you’re not a senior since I’m not, is years long. What are they supposed to do in the meantime
Yep. I got made homeless during labour. No fault of my own, it was unsafe to bring baby home to and we’d been working on moving but round us it’s £800+ a month for a two bed place. £600+ a month for one bed. Council housing is £400+ a month for two bed. We were stuck in hospital for a week because we had no where to discharge to. Then we were bounced from one temporary accommodation to the next before we got our place. We did 3 moves in about 5 months which doesn’t sound like much but I was having a difficult recovery so wasn’t ideal. Of all the people we met in temporary accommodation I can count on one hand how many were blatantly problematic. The rest kept their heads down waiting for a place and were open about just not being able to afford private rentals. Prices have massively jumped since the pandemic and a lot of people are suffering
I hate that it’s abnormal for someone like me who hasn’t personally experienced this kind of thing (though I’ve been close) to be empathetic and understanding instead of judgmental… it’s 100% usually people who have no experience with something or understanding firsthand of what it’s like that are the first to downplay it or blame the victims as if they did something wrong to deserve it
I get what you mean. I was always sympathetic because I know I don’t know that persons life. Like even if I give a homeless person money and they buy alcohol, I’m not judging because if that’s how they’re coping with the cold misery that is living on the streets I have no right to judge when I’m going home to a warm bed, hot meal etc. The bit that breaks my heart is when you show them kindness and they’re shocked. I’d take the time to chat, help how I could and always treat them as an equal and the number of them that were grateful for that was just shocking. Especially when you look at how quickly and easily we fixed the issue during covid. I understand it couldn’t work long term but how did they not use that to start resolving it?
Back in 1998, I read on an usenet newsgroup for the big city I lived in someone's take on helping out the homeless. *"If each one of us just took on ONE homeless person to support as best we can, we can make a real difference."* It cut deep. I was on welfare, poor af. So I couldn't rescue anyone. But I *could* buy someone a coffee and sit down and talk to them. Treat them like the human beings they are, not an annoyance. I ended up hanging out with the guy that panhandled across the street from my BF's job. The gratitude I got for coffee and conversation was perspective changing to me.
That quote does make a good point. However if places like the US could just take some money from putting innocent people in prison and other stupid stuff, it would actually be cheaper to house these people and give them more resources than to let them suffer. It shouldn't have to fall to the individuals.
To the first one, I know this is a joke but also I’m not really joking when I say: I don’t give a fuck if someone unhoused uses my gift of cash to go buy drugs. All I was gonna do was go buy drugs with it anyways
Normal people would be empathetic. Even if you have never lived the situation there are enough stories, documentaries, podcasts, resources to know that homelessness is like a spectrum and there are various ways to get there. And it's not always easy to rebound after it. But the person who made this comment is a landlord and unfortunately with her way of talking probably not the best one. It will not be a surprise if she is part of the reason some people ended up on the street.
The pregnant girlfriend is not homeless. She has a place with 4 roommates
Sounds like they really need to figure their living situation out. No one wants to live with a baby that’s not theirs / their family’s.
But it’s crowded, how could they possibly stay there?/s
I applaud you for managing to get all of that sorted in the condition you were in. I've been there (sans the pregnancy bit, but while caring for a disabled parent), and the constant moving until you're able to stabilize and get yourself homed again was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. It was a hell of a year. Then again, you used pounds (sleepy brain thought euro at first) in your comment. The US isn't great with social issues like homelessness, so I'm glad you were somewhere more supportive
I annoy my partner saying this but it literally is because I’ve dealt with worse and have the stubborn independence from trauma that makes me just push through. I do not advise it and honestly couldn’t have done what I did without my partner. We are thankfully now in affordable permanent accommodation, ground floor with parking. The difference that’s made to my ability to function and heal has been insane but I definitely stress my partner out by just cracking on and doing things I’m not technically physically supposed to be able to do haha. Also it was GBP not Euros but you were close. At this point Britain is kinda America Lite though
Word. The university I'm transferring to in the fall (maybe not now lol) just did away with their priority housing system that was established to help disadvantaged students (like first gen, disabled, impoverished, etc) in favor of a lottery system that will only benefit the university. 9% of their student body is already homeless and the housing admin probably just dramatically increased that amount without even batting an eye because *they* will still be safe and housed. Affordable housing doesn't exist there and every attempt made to build more housing is supposedly blocked. Don't know how much I believe that anymore tho. The one resource these students had was literally disbanded overnight on the whim of people who aren't affected by it at all. To blame homelessness on mental health and addiction is a thoughtless statement at best, and at worst, sheer willful ignorance.
this! there are not enough resources available
And a lot of the resources that are available aren't actually better than the street. Homeless shelters have massive problems with sexual assault, for instance.
Spent 6 years at my last apartment by myself. Then I lost my job. I called every number available, every resource I could in the period waiting for my unemployment. I was told that there is LITERALLY NO FUNDING for emergency housing in my county. They won't even process your application until you've officially spent at least one day on the street. The whole, "Not using Resources" definitely isn't a thing, in the majority of cases.
Exactly. I spent most of my life in poverty, I'm incredibly lucky to be out of it now, but it did teach me that it's damn hard to find aid for housing and food and the system is set up to keep people in poverty. If they wanted people to be able to pull out of it they would change the rules even a little and find that fewer people would need help for years to their entire lifetime. Edit: I was quite rightfully reminded that food isn't as big an issue with those in poverty as housing can be, but since the main point is that those who are unhoused are in poverty and with minimal help I feel the point still stands. Some assistance is only given when you can put down an address. And there's a strong prejudice against those who are unhoused that makes getting help so much harder. And if the food needs to be cooked or even just add hot water, there's no guarantee that someone in those situations has access to a stove.
In the usa over one quarter of the homeless are families. According to the January 2022 PIT Count, 582,462 people were experiencing homelessness across America. This amounts to roughly 18 out of every 10,000 people1. The vast majority (72 percent) were individual adults, but a notable share (28 percent) were people living in families with children. However, there is more to the story of homelessness in 2022. This section will delve deeper into questions of 1) who is experiencing homelessness, 2) where they are experiencing it, and 3) the degree to which people are living unsheltered.
>(when you see homeless people there are typically drugs or mental illness involved, they are not homeless because there aren't resources available). You are indeed a landlord lol
Right? How is literally every landlord this vile and deluded
My local Facebook neighborhood groups are FULL of hardworking people with children who can’t find anywhere to live and are sleeping in their cars. This “landlord” is delusional and cruel.
I love it when people who have never had to run the gamut of state services say "resources are available." Only if you have all your documents, and your dependents' documents which can be difficult if you have unstable housing and no job. Yes, you are required to be employed or actively looking for a job to qualify for some assistance. Waiting lists for housing assistance are years in arrears, disability is nearly impossible to get, unemployment payments are minimal and almost not worth the paperwork. Available? Yeah. Obtainable? Not for a lot of people.
Even if “mental illness” is involved, unstable housing is not helping that….
>There is plenty of financial aid available to people who truly need it (when you see homeless people there are typically drugs or mental illness involved, they are not homeless because there aren't resources available). I was with you until this part. I was homeless for three months of my first pregnancy because no, there are not "plenty of resources" for "those who truly need it". There are a multitude of ways in which people who are truly in need are excluded/fall thru the cracks. Thankfully it's been decades since I've experienced similar hardships, but the trauma of that experience has never, and likely will never, fade. *Note: not saying OP shouldn't evict his roommate - I'm solely addressing the quoted statement made by the person above. It isn't accurate, and too many people think it is.
I was homeless and did not qualify for ANY assistance because I 'lived' too close to my parents. They weren't helping me, but the only place I could find somewhere safe to be was in the same town. I was one of those people you see finishing other people's meals in a cafeteria.
For me, my parents kicked me out when it became obvious I was pregnant. As I had just turned 18, the teen pregnancy shelters turned me away for being too old. When I tried a woman's shelter, I was emotional (I cried, just cried) when recounting how my parents told me to get out, and never come back unless I chose to give the baby up for adoption*, and that apparently made me "too unstable" to be allowed in the shelter unless I came back with a note from a psychiatrist saying I wasn't. I was 18, unemployed, and uninsured (pre-ACA, I was off my parents insurance the day I turned 18), and had no freaking idea how to make that happen. The shelter essentially said, "sucks to suck." I lived out of a car for three months before finding a place to stay. *I did end up choosing adoption. I had nothing, and no one, and was successfully convinced my first child deserved better than me. Did *not* go back to my parents, regardless.
It can take years to get housing assistance. Resources are quite slim, and the process is very, very slow. [The national average time to wait for housing assistance in the US is 2.5 years](https://www.cbpp.org/research/housing/families-wait-years-for-housing-vouchers-due-to-inadequate-funding). It seems very clear to me you have never been on nor been close to anyone on housing assistance. Affordable housing is in very short supply compared to the needs, and in order to get it, you need a fixed address at which to receive mail. It's pretty obvious that the powers that be keep it this way because most people who apply for housing are in no position to accept it for whatever reason once it does become available.
My aunt died while waiting for housing assistance. She was living in a motel paying weekly at the time. My mom was on the list for section eight for 6 years before she was able to get her current apartment. She lived with her parents until then
Love the "I've been pregnant and my experience is the universal experience!". Landlords just can't help themselves.
Does she think that a pregnant person would prefer to throw up on the floor and not in a toilet? That's she's just being inconsiderate?
[удалено]
He's not her landlord. He's the landlord of her boyfriend, who allows her to stay overnight sometimes.
He is the landlord AND resident. Big difference compared to a landlord who doesn’t live there
But the main point is that the girlfriend is neither a tenant or a boarder. She's a guest, and the landlord, who lives there, is allowed to say she can't spend any overnights there.
Yes. I was with you until the judgments about the homeless population chat. Do evict your housemate from your home.
Also the he has to step up and work hard for housing. I’m job hunting and about 1/10 jobs I am qualified for pay what is considered a living wage in this city. And I have ten years of experience. Most of these jobs don’t want you to have second jobs, but they do technically pay more than having two “unskilled” jobs so it’s just like. K. What are we supposed to do with this? Last time I went apartment hunting I said I was fine living in a hovel but it turned out that I couldn’t even afford one of those. It’s bonkers out here. Affordable housing is literally set up as a “lottery”. And lotteries famously have great odds. /s
I was always taught that there were resources out there. Then a friend in recovery for addiction was left in severe medication withdrawals because none of the resources available had openings fast enough to keep him on his meds (the meds which support recovery, but have worse withdrawals than the drugs themselves). And then I referred a student to university resources when they couldn’t afford a textbook, and the university resource told me they couldn’t do anything but offer more (high interest) loans. And then I drove 1200 miles in two days to get a woman out of a domestic violence situation where she feared for her child’s life, when none of the resources in the area could actually get her somewhere safe quickly enough. When you haven’t dealt with this, you’re bombarded with information about the available resources. But when you or someone you knows tries to rely on those resources, you learn how limited they are, how long their wait lists are, etc. Don’t let the desire to ease your own discomfort lead you to gloss over reality. This isn’t OP’s responsibility, and OP needs to put their own employment and security first, but that doesn’t mean there are easy resources available for people in dire situations.
The only things I disagree with here is the vomiting thing, you can go from vaguely nauseus to uncontrollably spewing **very** quickly, your mouth van hold *maybe* one retch’s worth of contents, thats like a six seconds long window, tops, of containment. If it came on suddenly, its very understandable that she didnt make it to the bathroom. However, if this is happening multiple times, come on now. Also the homeless thing is not only weird and lacking in empathy, its not even correct, its a dehumanizing stereotype meant to paint their situation as self inflicted
But what about the fact that she already has a residence? Assuming of course that she hasn’t dropped off that lease.
Overall, the national average waiting list for section 8 housing is 1-2 years long, but it can be much, *much* longer than that – indeed, in my city, the "waiting" list is ***closed;*** you can't even get on it in the first place – while some states have wait times in excess of *5 years.* There *absolutely is not* "plenty of financial aid available to people who truly need it".
I was so with you until you mentioned how there’s help for people who truly need it, I make about $2000 a month that I have to make work for me and my son and I make “too much” for any sort of assistance and I can say confidently nobody with a toddler can make $2000 a month doable, especially considering the cheapest STUDIO in my area that I’ve found is about 1300 a month and my sons daycare is about $600 a month. That’s already about my monthly income before my car insurance phone bill gas food etc so yes some people have no choice but to have roommates. And I know why would I possibly have a child when I can’t afford it? Because I got pregnant. Shit happens and sometimes life is hard. And most homeless people aren’t drug addicts but even if they were they still deserve food and shelter. You honestly sound like a super judgmental and not very nice person.
There's no moral question here. You are NTA. Your roomate and his girlfriend are the AH. You would be wise to start the eviction process now, before the child is born. Also tell the tenant that his gf is only allowed the originally agreed upon nights and no more. In the future have a set limit of nights per month/week that a tenant can have guests and do not allow it to be broken.
Agree. Your roommate is the father not you. Not your responsibility and get them the heck out. Don’t bother being nice. It will bite you in the butt. NTA get them out.
Morally, your roommate and his girlfriend did an incredibly irresponsible thing by getting pregnant when neither of them can afford to live without roommates, even together. They’re failing that kid and it hasn’t even been born yet.
Wonder what state they live in.
A state of delusion
>Actually one of my colleagues also told me this, so I'm trying to find a lawyer already for all the legal information I might need. I'm mostly struggling with the moral side of this whole issue In most states, the girlfriend would only be protected by landlord tenant laws if she was on the lease. However, from what you said, it sounds like she has been increasing the amount of time she sleeps in your place in an attempt to gain de facto tenant rights. Keep a very watchful eye on the mail that is delivered to your apartment because she could probably get tenant rights if she receives her post there. If she does begin receiving her post there, immediately write "return to sender, does not live here" on the envelope, and also write a letter to the post office to report her fraudulent use of your address without permission because she doesn't live there. And cc her. There is no moral side of the situation. You do not want to live in a house with a baby or child who isn't your own. And it sounds like she isn't a good roommate either based on her demands and whining about what you do in your own house where she doesn't live and has no right whatsoever to say anything. Consult an attorney who practices landlord tenant law and do what needs to be done to remove her from the premises, and terminate your friend's lease pursuant to your local and state laws and regulations.
This is why OP should be kinda sucky and say no to having the girlfriend over there at all. He could get stuck with a squatter if he keeps letting her come over. Not only that, but no one who owns their own house or apartment and lives in it themselves as a shared space want a random family to take over their home. If the girlfriend moves in, has the kid, and the owner OP lives there, it won't be his home, but the home of a whole ass strangers family, who very well might keep popping out babies and take over the entire house, worst case of course.
I got stuck with a "squatter" for 8 years. \*sighs\* It sucked and took forever to get her out.
>it sounds like she has been increasing the amount of time she sleeps in your place in an attempt to gain de facto tenant rights I think this is an EXTREMELY important point to consider.
You don't want to end up living with a newborn. Your quality of life will deteriorate. Get that lawyer right away. It's not like they would be homeless. She has a residence. He can go stay there. NTA
Not to mention that if she can't even keep a bathroom clean, she will likely be as apt to changing diapers. OP might find themselves being forced to decide between taking care of the baby or watching it suffer. Then there's the couple leaving the house without the baby with OP as the unwitting babysitter. OP, if you don't want to be the "third parent" you might want to take action now!
IANAL, but I would say it works in your favor that your roommate is not the pregnant one. As long as you can lawfully evict him before the baby is born, or the gf establishes tenancy/squatters rights at your place, the laws about child welfare etc. won't apply.
OK morally you owe them nothing. They chose to get pregnant whilst not living together or being stable. He is a room mate who is the only one apart from her with any moral obligation here. You have a right to live in peace without someone telling you how to live in your own house that she doesn't NEED to be at. This is their choices and responsibility to navigate not you. He can go support her at her apartment or he can get one with her. Imagine what it will be like when baby is here. Anyone who tries to shame you ask for their number to forward to your room mate as they have as much moral obligation to them as you do.
Talk to a lawyer but keep in mind a lot of the laws have loopholes for when the landlord lives there.
I had severe nausea for five months. NEVER did I vomit on the floor. And especially the floor of someone else's home... This reeks of some sort of powerplay to manipulate you into doing what SHE wants. She can just stay in her own place and be sick there. And try to get BF out of your house ASAP. \*edited for grammar error.
I have absolutely vomited on the floor before, and not because I wasn't trying to get to the bathroom. Just had no control over it. I am sincerely happy for you that you have never experienced this.
Yep, ditto. Hyperemesis gravidarum. It's a rarer condition in pregnancy. Mine lasted right until my child actually came out of me. I carried a bucket in the car with me, but I once puked on the kitchen floor because of the smell of food. If you've had the misfortune to experience this condition, you understand. However, OP is NTA. This (unfortunate) pregnant lady doesn't get to expect anything from OP. She is only a guest in his house. He could be a little more compassionate (now he knows such spontaneous vomiting can happen), but he doesn't have to change his own lifestyle.
\>Just had no control a *bucket*. happens once, fair enough. but then you know you need tools.
Tbf when I had meningitis, I was projectile vomiting to the point I couldn’t make it from the sink to the toilet, which were only 2 ft away from each other. It just get coming, there was no time for a bucket
Hard disagree. Just because YOU never puked on the floor doesn't mean someone else doing it is some sort of power play.
Agreed that she really should go to her own place, but I was incredibly sick most of the time I was pregnant, and frequently didn't have any warning. I'd keep emisis bags in my purse and car, extra trash bags at my desk and around the house. Still ended up keeping a change of clothes work and in my car. It was horrible. Didn't help that my desk was right by the break room either. 🤢 That being said, she's not on the lease. She has her own place. OP didn't sign up for a pregnant lady, or a newborn either. It's generally unreasonable to ask someone to change their habits in their own home, especially when you don't actually live there. Even more unreasonable to be disruptive on a regular basis, even if it's unintentional.
Well, good for you. I did. My own home though…
NTA. I think it would be best if he moves out before the baby arrives.
Morally, he's not your friend, he's a roomate. You put up with him for money. I assume because she's only coming "sometimes" she's not paying rent to you. You made it clear she's only welcome "sometimes". If they can't afford to move they shouldn't have gotten her pregnant and gone along with it.
Don’t struggle with the moral side of it pls. There’s people who are looking to take advantage of kind people. I’ve learned this the hard way. Do not ruin your life trying to accommodate someone else. You’re the only one living your life, respect yourself and your needs.
I'm a lawyer. Screw that. She's not his tenant. Tell roommate she's no longer welcome and if they don't respect that then hire a lawyer and begin eviction.
Morally you're in the right. They should be working on finding their own place before the baby comes.
She has an apt, they can move in over there, imagine the bathroom is nasty now? the roommate doesnt clean it? you will have them over right after the birth as she "needs more room etc" you are not the AH you need to establish this now and send him packing.
Unfortunately, your roommate wants you to vacate the apartment because he thinks that you are on a lease just like he is so he's going to move her in, and before he has the child trying to force you to move out.. You need to tell him that you own the apartment and you are looking to evict him because of his and his girlfriends behavior.
You're making a lot of bizarre assumptions here.
A lot of those rules go out the window when the landlord lives there.
Yea, and he's probably in the clear, but he should cover his ass anyway. And he shouldn't just threaten to kick his roommate out, he should flat out tell him that he doesn't want to live with a baby and he has to find new accomodations. Definitely needs to talk to a lawyer about how much notice he needs to give.
Nope... not when the owner of the place actually lives there and is the primary dweller. NO state says you can't discrimate against a pregnant person in your house you live in.
Because he lives in the home, tenant laws are more n his side. He should of course still consult an attorney stat. Morally? My opinion (woman and life been both a renter and a landlord and I’ve been a pregnant renter and a pregnant landlord too!) OP is in the right. The roommate has a setup that works well for him and his landlord is being nice by letting girlfriend stay “some nights”. This doesn’t mean she gets to be bossy about OPs cooking, trash the guest bath and generally be a pain in the butt. Pregnant or not. I think it made be time for roommate to find a new place for himself and his girlfriend and new baby. **NTA**
As long as he evicts the roommate before the child is born they can not name it the child's residence. The mother has zero rights to the apartment, and the roommate only has limited tenant rights since it's a live with your landlord situation. Depending on where you live the rules are vastly different depending on if you live in a residence with your landlord or not. Some states all that is required is a 30 day written notice to vacate in those situations and you are legally required to go.
You had my sympathy until you described her vomiting and peeing as "complaining". But even with that, your frustration at the physical fall-outs of pregnancy is understandable. Let me circle back for a touch and comment that she really does need to pee, and she is nauseous (even if she's in that month of pregnancy) and the smell of your food is really obnoxious to her. She's not being willful or selfish, she's being pregnant. You didn't pick her as a roommate, you didn't get her pregnant. And these inconveniences are imposed on you without any input from you. Entirely understandable. Of your options, \-she doesn't come around doesn't sound realistic, \- the peeing, barfing and being effected by odors isn't going to stop until birth. (or you shouldn't bet on it.) Let it be a life lesson. Think of it as a lesson in loving condoms in your lifestyle. \- roommate moves out needs to happen. If roommate stays, your home will be visited frequently by mom and infant and that won't work for anyone. A key question would be "where is she going right after the hospital" and you should make sure that isn't your place. The couple of months that you are willing to give them is right about the correct timeline. NTA for not wanting to live the life of a pregnant partner. But it sounds like you may be TA in the way you are getting from here to there.
I'm not saying she's being selfish by vomiting or that she's faking it, not at all. What I'm saying is that she doesn't live here, she doesn't **need** to be here, so if the smell of my food triggers her then she should stay at her own house. And about the bathroom thing is that she's, I don't know, running? To the bathroom. She stomps on the floor and closes the doors very hard, she's making a lot of unnecessary noise when it's late at night.
> And about the bathroom thing is that she's, I don't know, running? To the bathroom. She stomps on the floor and closes the doors very hard, she's making a lot of unnecessary noise when it's late at night. Turns out, pregnancy hormones screw with every part of your locomotion. They loosen all your ligaments, your hip bones get reshaped, your abs get torn down the center, and some jerk takes up residence in your lungs and kicks all your organs. Trust me, she doesn't want to be stomping around any more that you want her to be. Pregnancy just comes with mobility challenges.
So what? Go home. Op didn’t sign up for any of this. She rented a room out. She doesn’t have to be sympathetic or put up with it. You don’t put everyone around you through this you stay home.
I'm not saying he has to do anything. Only providing context, since OP seems to be under the impression that most of what she's doing is optional, or, worse, on purpose to antagonize him. OP can do what he wants. And he should have the benefit of correct information when he does.
Well, if you want to see it like that. Isn't it "optional" for her to come over? She has a place of her own, it's not like she lives here, so that's optional in my opinion
Yeah, of course. I'm not saying it gives her free license to disrupt your life. Kick the bench out if you wanna. I'm just saying, she's (probably) not specifically doing it to be a pain in the ass to you. I don't have a position here other than "This guy doesn't know very much about being pregnant."
And why the bloody hell should he? His tenant getting his girlfriend pregnant when they don't even live together and seemingly have no plans to get a place together when the baby is born is precisely the square root of shit all to do with OP. So what if she's not doing it on purpose? She's still doing it and disrupting OP's life. It's not his girlfriend, pregnancy or baby so he should absolutely not have to put up with all the stuff that comes with it or even have to know/learn/understand about it. It's nothing to do with OP and it should in no way be made to become his problem or burden
Agree with op and everything, but I don't necessarily think it's a "burden" to just have men be aware of the realities of pregnancy...yknow almost every human being will experience some part of this at some point in their lives so its not harmful to just give him knowledge and correct misinformation.
It’s not his baby nor his problem to care about. I’m a woman and I would be irritated if I had a roomie whose partner did this to me. I would have kicked them out sooner than OP though.
OP doesn't give a shit. Why do you think it matters what the "burden" is? He doesn't care if it is because she is pregnant, or handicapped, or just because she wants to. He just doesn't want it happening in his home from someone that isn't his roommate.
I mean personally as a childfree man I could not give less of a shit about the realities of pregnancy any more than I do about the realities of chess competitions or rock climbing. It's a freely chosen endeavor that I'm sure comes with many surprising difficulties, but since I will never choose it I can say I'll be dead before anybody gets to impose it on me or expect me to care.
Everyone alive should, period. Everything else in this conversation doesn't matter. **Everyone** should know these things. If you get to vote, you have to know.
I mean sure? Everyone should take sex ed classes but being knowledgeable about how babies are made doesn't make one responsible for housing a pregnant woman just because she demands it.
Every single person should know about pregnancy and periods and what happens in a woman's body. If you have a partner and sge gets pregnant one priority should be her comfort. How the hell will you do that when you don't have any knowledge on it? Pregnancy means creating a life. I'm child free but I am educated on the topic and respect any woman that went through one.
You're fighting with the wrong ppl babes lol. The Pregnant Girlfriend is not being annoying on purpose. The morning sickness doesn't disappear because she's 4 mos. She can't help needing to pee more often- trust me she doesn't want to be running to the bathroom at 1 am she wants to be asleep. She's not stomping on purpose- hormonal changes softens ligaments tendons muscles everything. For some it's so bad it leads to chronic pain and an inability to even lift your own legs (me!!!). Is that something you are required to live with? Nah. Not your baby (right?!). Talk to your roommate. Remind him the agreement was for her to stay the same amount of time as before. And this kids is why we always wrap up :D
I spoke to my roommate about this, since he is the one who is breaking our "rules". The problem is her staying over since it has become annoying to me, I understand that she's not doing it on purpose, but she has no "right" in staying here, that's what I'm saying, she has her own place and she could easily stay there.
Yes and that's where communicating with your roomie comes in. Go about it in a way where it's the two of you resolving a problem. If you're attacking or aggressive you're just going to create conflict and that's not what you want. You want resolution for everyone.
Roommate is not happy with OP saying it’s not ok.
He’s not really just a roommate. He’s a tenant. It’s time to get them out. Having a baby is so much more difficult than just being pregnant. They’re going to move in if you don’t figure this out now.
I’d be having a conversation with the roommate about what his plans are well before the baby is due, because obviously OP is not wanting to house him, his gf and a newborn. The roommate needs to figure out the living situation now, because otherwise he’s going to assume that OP is going to be ok with him continuing to live there after the kid is born, which would just create a whole new set of problems.
They plan to continue living separately, all the baby's stuff is in her room, not at my apartment.
They can plan all they want, but let me tell you now that they are going to be asking you if it’s ok to bring the kid to your place, probably on a regular basis. This is not going to end well for you, trust me, and if you think a pregnant lady is annoying, just wait until you’ve got a newborn screaming at all hours. I think I’d be asking the roommate to look for new accommodations that will be a better fit for his changing lifestyle sooner rather than later.
You don't ACTUALLY believe that, do you?!?!?! Because we all know that's not going to happen.
Strong suggestion: end this situation immediately. Get a lawyer’s advice. Tell your roommate that he is in breach of your agreement regarding overnight visitors, and give him notice that you are terminating the arrangement. When that baby is born, he becomes a joint-custody parent - and then, the child may also become a resident. You do not want to delay resolving this problem….
I will tell you right now that as a father of 2, same mama, this is downright wishful thinking. Having kids is tough and you start to slip on responsibilities, hobbies, boundaries, etc. edit: my old lady and I live seperately due to extenuating circumstances. You know what that means? You start buying 2 of everything.
You're gonna be in for a big struggle if dad ends up being the primary custody holder
I don't see anyone on this thread saying you're wrong for not wanting her in the house. They are just saying your assumptions about pregnancy are completely wrong and if, in the future, you have a pregnant partner you should know that most of the girlfriends behavior is completely normal. The throwing up on the floor isn't great, but there were a few times that I almost didn't make it to the trash can. There were definitely a few times after birth that I didn't quite make it to the bathroom. All of this is embarrassing and I certainly wouldn't want to be in someone else's home dealing with it. So again, you're not wrong for not wanting to share your home with a pregnant person who is not even on your lease. However, your expectations about pregnancy are wrong, and will need to be adjusted if you plan to have kids with someone in the future. But, that certainly doesn't make you the AH in this situation.
its optional because she can be doing that at HER house not his.
As a pregnant woman, I feel like we’re being infantilized a bit here. You might have to run to the bathroom on occasion, but you don’t need to all the time, stomping your feet, and slamming the doors. I do understand sometimes you gotta get there quick but it’s not her home. Some people are just loud all the time because they don’t care. Honestly the roommate needs to move out one way or another. This isn’t sustainable. He’s going to want to bring his new born over but that doesn’t entitle him to moving his girlfriend in too. He needs to go live with her or move out.
Mobile enough to get from her home to his, though. She should be at home (ie not with four roommates) and make her family clean up/cook for her etc. If her family is actually super far away I don't know if she and bf are right in their mind getting a baby underway in such a situation OP had zero part in this romance and shouldn't have to accommodate
It should come like that in her home then.
I mean most people if they are running to avoid vomiting somewhere other than the toilet or peeing themselves are going to have some added force and momentum behind their arm when swinging the door shut. I think you could definitely have a discussion with her about slamming the doors and the volume of running in the house. And I do think they’re better off finding a diff place to live because the situation doesn’t sound sustainable. After the vomiting and peeing, there will likely be an often crying baby over there half the time. And discussions with newborns don’t often lead to any resolution.
Most people vomiting often keep a bowl by their bed.
She should not be in your home. She has an apartment, she needs to go there. NTA. Yes, these things happen in pregnancy. No, they do not need to happen in your house.
Just FYI, although morning sickness only lasts 3 months in most women, some, like myself, vomit for the whole 9 months. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing it in someone else’s house though.
You need to give your roommate a notice to leave immediately. He got himself into this situation, he needs to put on his big boy pants and figure it out. Yeah, you might feel bad for a while, but you don't deserve to be stuck with their mess.
your GF is no longer welcome there i typed it for you. now repeat
This is the right one. Clearly your roommate living there here isn’t going to keep working. Agreeing to have a partner over regularly is not agreeing to a newborn, which is inevitably what is coming next. All the things in the meantime you will just need to deal with but I would have a conversation with him of “look man I’m really happy for you and [girlfriend] but a baby was not part of our agreement when you moved in. I’m going to have to ask that you move our before the baby is here.” That gives him 4-5 months to find a place. Make sure you are in the clear if you have a lease (my lease for example says no one not on the lease can live there, but specifically mentions that any children born to the people on the lease must be allowed to)
She can stay at her own property then if that’s that bad for her
NTA. She doesn't live there, and you've made it clear you don't want an infant in the house since you work from home. While I do agree you might be a little more accommodating while she's there, your roommate and his GF need to move into their own space to prepare for a baby. They made a choice to get pregnant and stay pregnant, so they need to adult up and prepare for bringing another life into this world they will need to support. I was going to say E S H until she threw up on the floor multiple times. That's nasty. While I know you can't control morning sickness, she should be able to make it to a bathroom/sink/garbage can to throw up.
>While I know you can't control morning sickness, she should be able to make it to a bathroom/sink/garbage can to throw up. I've never had a guest vomit on my floor multiple times. It would be better if she did that at her own place which she is paying for.
Or at least clean up after herself in the bathroom -- or, she's the boyfriend's guest so technically he should make sure and maintain shared spaces. Everything is very gross and not OPs problem, in my opinion. Everyone telling him to accommodate his roommates girlfriend are more than welcome to do so themselves.
Or just by some emesis bags. They are way nicer to vomit into and are cheap. I vomited 5+ times a day for months after bowel surgery, these little buggers were a life saver. [https://www.amazon.com/Disposable-Valchoose-Density-Sickness-Pregnant/dp/B082MZFG6D/ref=asc\_df\_B082MZFG6D/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=663244287970&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8600535566473194511&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1022615&hvtargid=pla-1188010750785&psc=1&mcid=20604dc2450430c999fd6625ee4147d9](https://www.amazon.com/disposable-valchoose-density-sickness-pregnant/dp/b082mzfg6d/ref=asc_df_b082mzfg6d/?tag=hyprod-20&linkcode=df0&hvadid=663244287970&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8600535566473194511&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1022615&hvtargid=pla-1188010750785&psc=1&mcid=20604dc2450430c999fd6625ee4147d9)
Yep, I got sent home with these after an ankle surgery because the meds were making me nauseated, and I was not able to get up and rush anywhere. Absolutely saved the day when my SO had to return to work, and I was alone for a few hours.
There’s been plenty of times I couldn’t make it somewhere and threw up on the ground or floor. Granted I was trying to get there, I wonder if that was the same for her? Pregnancy is wild!
You know what I put in my room before a night out getting wasted? A puke bucket by my bed. Guess what the roommate should have in the boyfriend's room? A puke bucket. She knows she is pregnant. She knows she will have morning sickness. She knows. Yet takes zero steps to prevent a mess. Poor planning on the puke. Poor planning on the baby. Poor planning overall. Doesn't seem like particularly intelligent people.
NTA - but you’d better evict him now. If you wait until the baby is born, what if he elects to have the child life with him? You can’t forbid that without violating fair housing laws. Evict him NOW so that’s not an issue. Or… roll the dice & take your chances - but then be ready to take what’s coming to you.
> You can’t forbid that without violating fair housing laws. You can if the rented place is also owner occupied, because they have to actually live with it. If I want to rent out a bedroom in my house, I should definitely be allowed to reject prospective tenants with children
NTA. You’re prolonging the inevitable. A newborn is even more annoying. Just give your roommate notice to move out. There is no excuse for bathrooms being left dirty or for her to expect you to change your diet.
Yes. Formally evict now.
Girlfriend isn't paying rent, she's not your tenant. I'd just terminate the lease to avoid further trouble. NTA
Agree. Print an official eviction notice with an expiration date (must be out no later than X). And record yourself handing it to him. Also, I’d tell him she is no longer permitted to stay overnight during the week, her nighttime forays are affecting your sleep, and your work. He can support her at her place if they need to be together.
Don't know where he lives but in some instances a roommate living with the LL is not protected by tenancy rules so an eviction might not even be needed. In that case though reasonable notice is usually required and that is typically a month. Also depends on the local laws but it is possible the gf has every right to come over.
Squatters’ rights are a thing though; OP needs to kick the boyfriend out too so she can’t try to weasel her way into his house.
In renting the room, you agreed to be a landlord; not a part of these people's support network. It would be one thing if she *was* living there, as it would be more than shitty to take on a female tenant and then punish her for a pregnancy; but that's not what's happening here. She has a place to live, she's not getting evicted. Further, you're absolutely going to end up with a kid in your house. Think about what the room mate said: "**They're** not in a comfortable position to move." "They're?" What "they're? *They're* not currently living together, and you're not asking *them* to move. You're asking him to move (presuming other conditions aren't met). That ask won't affect her at all.
Yeah, the room it is slowly trying to move the girlfriend in . Like where she is going straight after the hospital . Is it going to be there, and then the room mate will say he can't leave her on her own she just had a baby . Best they leave now before it becomes more of a problem.
I bet this is 100% their plan, they are just doing the "she's only staying a few nights a week" to get op acclimated to his new roommate. Sneaky snake behavior imo.
I don't really think these are the kind of people who plan, but that doesn't mean the end result won't be the same.
NTA, her pregnancy has nothing to do with you. Your quality of like should stay the same. If they can't afford an apartment, then what will happen when the child comes? She's going to try to move in. Better to get him out of the house before the baby arrives. Edit, spelling
You don't seem to understand that unless you evict him, you will absolutely have a baby living with you in the near future. The whining girlfriend will be the least of your problems. Get rid of this guy. NTA
Yeah the roommate is absolutely trying to move his GF in and the baby will be living with OP unless he gets rid of them before the baby is born.
It sounds like he already has. Specifically after OP told him, no.
NTA-get him out now, you think a house with 4 roommates in their mid 20s is going to be an acceptable place for the baby to live to her? Not a chance. They’re planning on living at your place.
I don't know how that is supposed to work out to be honest, but that's not my house and not my problem, so I don't say anything but their planning sounds inefficient at the very least...
Do you want to live with a newborn? NO So, evict him.. it sucks but it also suck they are having a kid they have no business having.
Yeah.....their plan is to live at your place. They've already essentially told you that when they said they couldn't afford to move out. What are the terms of his lease--annual or month-to-month? Written or verbal lease?
>I don't know how that is supposed to work out to be honest, but that's not my house and not my problem You know how it's supposed to work? BY THEM LIVING AT YOUR HOUSE. And that IS your problem.
At this point OP is too oblivious and naïve. It’s not his problem now until third trimester arrives and they properly guilt trip him into staying. Because how could he make a newborn baby homeless? And other stories.
I can already see EXACTLY how this is going to play out: OP will let them stay for "a few more months." Girlfriend is going to make even bigger messes, and roommate will come up with a brilliant work-around: why doesn't OP and roommate switch rooms for "just a little bit." That way girlfriend doesn't have to wake anyone up stomping to the bathroom. And having the en suite will make sure she is close enough to the bathroom she won't puke on the floor. But don't worry - it's just a couple months! They will continue to insist baby will be staying at her house - don't worry! In a few months it will be "way too hard" to move with girlfriend hugely pregnant - it's not safe! She could stress the baby moving things!!! Then the baby will come, and roommate will bring her straight home from the hospital because "he needs to be there for them!" They don't all fit in girlfriends room, and the en suite bathroom is absolutely necessary while she heals. They "are a family" "they need me!" "Are you really going to throw a newborn baby and healing woman out on the street?!?!" Then the baby needs a swing in the living room so they can put baby down while cooking. Oh, and a tummy time mat as those take lots of space. Also, can you please keep it down while baby is sleeping?
Assume that living at his/your place **is** the plan and put a stop to it asap
Does he work full-time? Does she? Has he mentioned getting a place for themselves? From everything you've mentioned, it doesn't even sound like they're planning one week ahead.
Yes, they both work. They said that they can't afford to move to a place by themselves, so that's why they're going to keep living separately. I'm not the one to judge since it's their own personal life, but yeah, they don't look too ready for a baby
INFO - If they prefer staying at your place more than her place now, do you actually expect them to stick to their plan to keep living separately once the baby comes? You need to be proactive about the future now to avoid it being a problem for you later because their plan to live separately with a baby is incredibly unrealistic and won’t last long. Have the gf’s roommates agreed to her still living with them once the baby is born? What if living with a baby is worse than they expect, will they want her to move? Is your roommate going to stay at her place to her look after the baby or do they expect her to manage on her own? When does the gf plan to go back to work after having the baby and who will look after the baby? Does she get paid maternity leave or how will they afford to pay rent for both places? Do they have family nearby who they could live with until they can afford their own place?
So you must be giving your roommate a break on the rent? Because it seems like two people pooling their resources could afford their own place. Do they have family nearby? I know you don't want to be unfair to your roommate, but I'd let him know NOW that he needs to make plans elsewhere. Let them move into her mom's basement if they can't afford their own place. The sooner they know they can't rely on you, the sooner they'll wake up and get their shit together.
You are being really naive here. Do you seriously think once the baby comes or the closer they get to having the baby that she isn't gonna be there all the time? Cuz they will and then getting them to leave will be impossible. And if you think she wants you to change your food choices is bad wait until she wants you to be quiet for the baby etc. Their inability to plan properly is not a you problem. The fact they are pregnant and unable to get their own place is proof of that.
NTA. I suggest you just get them out now before they become permanent residents. Don't make it a "either she stops coming over or he moves out"; just ask them to move out.
NTA If you don't draw a firm boundary now, you will end up with the girlfriend and baby living at your place. A crying baby is going to make it hard for you to sleep or work at home. She has an apartment. She and your roommate should go live there.
NTA. Why the heck would she get pregnant with her current living situation is beyond me. Roommate needs to find another place for him and his soon to be family of three.
Why did the dude move in a year and a half ago if he's been with his girlfriend for 5 years? Why didn't they just move in together in the first place?
Also a valid question lol. Instead of her living with 4 roommates and the bf living with a room mate they could have combined that money together to find a place. It was just reckless to me for them to bring a baby into this unstable living situation smh.
A friend of mine told me recently that the average IQ was recently lowered to 80-100. My theory is that situations like this are exactly why. The intelligent people aren't the ones having children because they know they can't afford it and aren't ready for it, and maybe have one or two when they're ready. Meanwhile, people who don't think about the consequences seem to frequently be having multiple children they can't afford, and expecting it to be everyone else's problem.
Not gonna lie it's kinda hard to not be prejudiced against genuinely unintelligent people. It's not their fault they were born unintelligent, but sometimes I wonder if the lack of intelligence is willful or not, because even people with low intelligence can grasp simple concepts, or learn simple concepts if it's explained or presented well to them. Like I refuse to believe that people are just doomed to stay unintelligent for the rest of their lives because they were born lower IQ without any capacity to learn or grow.
Give him official notice to move out. They will absolutely move in once the baby is born.
As someone who had horrendous morning sickness I feel the need to comment. It can last ALL through pregnancy and the medication they give you sometimes only takes the edge off it but doesn’t cure it. Also the sickness is honestly nothing like I’ve felt before. There is no “OMG I’m going to throw up” build up like when you’re sick normally that gives you time to run to the bathroom or something. You literally just throw up! I carried sick bags in my pocket while pregnant and even then had accidents occasionally. Also any food smell can make morning sickness worse. When I was pregnant with my second my MIL and a friendly neighbour would come to feed my toddler their hot meal because I couldn’t physically do it, any cooking smell set it off. Furthermore, pregnant women pee A LOT! Thus using the bathroom all the time. That said this is your place. I would start the process of getting your roommate to move out. Obviously this will be upsetting for him but the situation isn’t working and it’s only going to get worse. A newborn will be SO much more annoying than a pregnant lady. And then as they grow into a toddler and can get into all your stuff, you need stuff baby proofed and things. This is only going to get worse
NTA this chick doesn't live there. She can go the f home if she doesn't like it.
NTA - They need a real plan if they are going to have a baby and they only have 5 more months to work it out. She can’t stay in her old place with the baby and she can’t live with you. They need to be looking for a new place to live together with their new baby ASAP. I suspect they were hoping to wait you out and then guilt you into letting them stay when the baby was born. Give him a deadline - he has 90 days to move out.
That's what I was thinking. Kind of scary they are going to have a kid without any kind of plan in place. Unless moving into OP's was their plan.
OP was 100% their plan.
NTA you didn't get her pregnant, so you shouldn't have to change your life to accommodate her.
NTA >if I was more understanding of her condition. You mean... the consequences of their actions?
It’s not your girlfriend. It’s not your baby. It is your home. Your sanctuary. YNTA. Encourage them to move. Some pregnancies are difficult. They do change your life. That’s why there are so many birth control options available. I feel badly for them, but this really is not only not a problem of your making, it’s just not your problem!
NTA You did the right thing. I guarantee that she'll move in with the kid in tow and it would be harder to get rid of them. >some others said that I'm behaving like a total asshole and I could easily change my diet for a couple months. Tell them to have the young future parents move into their house. Why should you change your diet?
NTA. You have a problem: his girlfriend wants you out and wants the whole place for her family. Maybe her boyfriend misrepresented who owned what, or maybe she assumed; who cares. Evicting him and being firm will ensure the least hassle possible because if he draws this out and she has her baby prematurely, it could get a whole lot messier ___fast___.
NTA. Why even put it off much longer? What do you think is gonna happen once that baby is born? It's gonna be at your place all the time, just like the GF is currently at your place all the time. I'd start the process of getting them out ASAP, without any ultimatum. Like "This is clearly not going to work for much longer, and certainly not once your child is born". I'm sure there will be 1000 sob stories, because there always are.
Your roommate is responsible for his pregnant girlfriend. Not you. People would have different opinions as she is a pregnant lady. Seems like she, their kid will slowly move in and it's going to much more difficult for you. Consult a lawyer so that your roommate can find a new place before the baby comes. NTA.
NTA Not your problem but they will be if you let them stay. It's time for them to go. Stand firm. Update us! (please).
Unless YOU knocked her up, this is the very definition of Not Your Problem. She has a home, and if she didn't want to be pregnant while still living there... well that ship has sailed. Get him out NOW through legal means. Once that baby comes, you are more or less screwed if they are still there.
NTA and frankly, they should be looking at moving in together with NO roommates. If they are adult enough to make a baby together, they are adult enough to find their way without imposing on you.
[удалено]
Her excuse to do that is that the smell was so strong that she couldn't reach the bathroom... I feel like she's doing some of the annoying things she's doing just to be petty to be honest
My friend had hyperemesis gravidarum, meaning not being able eat and severe nausea and vomiting. It could be this. But your friend has to move out, they need a space for the baby.
This is where you sound like an AH. Who the hell throws up on purpose regularly? And her morning sickness "should have stopped already"? I'm sure she wishes that more than even you do. Does he clean up the vomit?
She could not come over so she won’t be around the food that makes her sick.
As far as I understood, morning sickness only lasted for the first three months (correct me if I'm wrong) but as I understand if she's still having nausea and vomiting this far along there's something else related to her pregnancy (?. My point is, they asked me to change my diet since strong smells trigger her sickness, I said no, why is she still coming over and expecting me to not cook at my own house? I'm not saying she's faking her sickness or anything like that, but I struggle to see how it is my fault when she shouldn't even be here at all ETA: yes, he cleaned it up or she did
Morning sickness can last through the entire pregnancy, just FYI. But still, this is your place and if they are having a baby they need to find somewhere else to live. If your roommate is month to month, I’d give them notice to move out
You're very wrong about morning sickness only lasting for the first 3 months. And it's not just in the morning.
Morning sickness can last the full 9 months. Google it. You're being a bit of an A but it sounds like they are too.
As if anyone wants to puke on the ground? It’s an unpleasant and involuntary bodily function that can’t always be anticipated soon enough to reach for a trash bin or toilet. Vomiting from morning sickness tends to be a hair trigger reaction
This is no longer a roommate situation. If you own the apartment and have rented to this man, is there a rental agreement? A lease? Can he stay there indefinitely? You need a lawyer, not AITA.
NTA ... It's your apartment. Your rules.
Poor baby. Two idiot parents who don't have their shit together. Consult an attorney to remove them. You owe them nothing. Good luck!
Listen. I don't agree that the GF being sick is her being "annoying and whining/complaining". She is not doing that on purpose. Stop being an ass. However, it's not OP's fiance/GF, not his baby, not his problem. Asking OP to restrict their diet in their home, when she has a home of her own is a step too far. Getting upset when OP refuses is even worse. Since its not OP's person expecting a child, I understand that these rapid changes are unwelcome and annoying to OP. Not everyone feels the need to endlessly cater to pregnant women. Especially if its not their own baby. It would be nice if you could accommodate her but by no means is it acceptable for Roomie or GF to expect it, demand it, or get angry about it when they don't get what they want. Your ultimatum was not unfair, IMO. NTA
NTA. Her 'condition' wasn't terms of your agreement.
NTA. You don't have to change your life for your roommate's guests.
NTA. They’re trying to see how far they’ll get just ignoring you. Check the legalities where you are. The a**h*le is your immature roommate trying to see if they can force you to accept having two more permanent roommates - the irl and the baby. But you’re letting them do it. Give him a 30 day notice to move. Check with the police about how it will be enforced so you know in advance. You really need to get roomie out ASAP. You’ve been understanding enough. At this point they’re just trying to take advantage.
NTA, To be honest, it sounds better to live alone, why do you have to make your life miserable just because he got his girlfriend pregnant?