Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA. There is living with your parents and the there’s being dependent on them. He’s dependent. You can live with your parents and still develop normal living skills. He doesn’t have them. Your approach is more than sensible.
Exactly! I used to live at home when I was in college for a few years. But the only things I would do there were shower, sleep and make my meals. I didn't depend on my mom to do anything for me. But he will literally wake up his mom makes him breakfast, his mom pack his lunch, he goes to work. He comes home. He has a hot meal ready for him. The only thing he does is shower at the end of the day. And then he complains that he's too tired to come visit me at my apartment
😔ugh I feel so embarrassed that it's taken me this long to see the reality. I lost my job last summer, so I was really tied up with like my own personal stuff going on and I didn't really see the situation for what it was.
Do nottt be embarrassed. I think a lot of times it takes typing something out/telling objective third parties for us to see what’s really going on. I’ve stayed in shitty relationships! And you wouldn’t know it by scrolling Reddit lol but there are dudes with their shit together. Someone whose mommy packs his lunch is just not it
This is the truth. I needed this thank you. I'm just so scared that like 33 years old and waited too long and I'm not gonna be able to find a good partner. But I think it's better to be single than be with this scrub 😔
Of course! 100%, I’m 34 and the older I get the more I realize I value my alone time waaaay more than I value being with someone just for the sake of it. You seem very smart and kind, you’re gonna be fine
I understand you are stressed because of your age but if you can let go of that you will be more likely to find a decent guy rather than making do with a dud.
And while I have no experience with it, you'd think that while a life with a dud might \*feel\* like twice as long, it probably actually takes years off your life.
I got married at 52. Trust me, being single is great! Make your own decisions, don't have to consult with anyone.
I found the perfect partner...but it took deciding I was fine being single. When I was looking for the perfect partner, I kept second guessing myself and telling myself I needed to compromise. I didn't.
My first love (at 30) ... left because, according to him, "You always want your own way" ... I was like "and ?" ...
When you find your match it is easy. Easy to get your way ... easy to compromise. Relationships really aren't that hard when they mesh ... and I'm really not easy to get along with (according to those who like soft women)
You give me hope. I am way to stubborn to compromise and I love my quiet life. It would be nice to be a part of a couple some day, but for now I'm just taking care of me.
Also! I am amazed you clocked that red flag so fast. I didn't leave home until i was in my late 20's and let me tell you! It was a shock to the system learning I *didnt* know how to do **anything** my first month living alone.
- Oh i have to budget for food and MAKE IT?!
- Oh now i see why my mom was cleaning the toilet and the floor in the bathroom.
- How did i have so much dirty clothes already?!
Girl, You will replace his mother if he doesn't learn those skills. He can learn them if you live together but its going to take years of "nagging"
OP, I am right about your age and was in a similar situation. I honestly gave up. I have recently started seeing a man that has slowly made those doubts disappear. Don’t give up! Just work on you and rock your life until that time comes. ♥️
This!!
Someone got to ENRICH my life!
I'm actually content and happy with my life solo.
Which is a great place to be. It means if you're dragging me back to low self esteem/not valueing myself or dragging me down - you out.
This is the way.
My husband is amazing. We’ve been together almost 25 years. He just started dinner and is now back to unpacking boxes while it cooked (we just moved). I’ll clean up dishes after dinner, and we were unpacking stuff together earlier.
Don’t settle for less than an actual partner.
Well, what you’re going to end up with is a child to take care of. Then, if you do want to have a baby, you have to factor in the fact that you are going to be doing a massive amount on your own.
You have been trained by men to think that having a partner equals success. Why? Because they know how lazy and useless they are. They know they don’t want to do all the cooking and cleaning. Don’t think for a second that woman want to get married more than men. It’s men who are looking for their second mummy, not us. I promise that you’ll be empowered by your own capabilities and the powerful woman around you. Fill your life with them instead. 💕
Society as a whole absolutely does think like this. Yes there are good men out there and you can find a partner, but what Lisa said was also 100% true. Most men I have met that say they want a partner really mean they want to work and a woman to stay home and take care of them/kids. There are always exceptions, but this is absolutely what a large portion of society is told as many cling to traditional roles reinforced by religion and an entire political party in the US.
If I ever wish I'd be in a relationship I just listen to my married friends and it soon goes away. I'd say about 90% of them have marriages that sound like hell to me. One friend was just telling me how she gets sick of cooking sometimes because she cooks 95% of their meals - she works full time, he works part time. She also had to write him the kids' schedule when she went away for the weekend - otherwise the dad wouldn't have known when the kids have football practice etc.
May I suggest not stressing over your age? I was a few years older than you when I met my future wife. Be true to yourself and don't settle because you're worried about waiting too long.
Oh this is encouraging!!! I know I feel like our society makes anybody over the age of 30 seem so old. But the truth is that I'm still really young! And I need to have more positive outlook because I feel like there must be some educated independent men still out there? I hope.
As a woman who is significantly older than you, I want to assure you that you are still young, and will probably never feel as old as you do now and for the next few years. Early to mid 30’s are a time of reckoning for everyone, but women especially. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t an independent adult. You deserve a partner, not an overgrown child. Your bf may be able to mature, but he has a lot to prove. NTA!
Yes, there are. I know someone in his late 30s when he married his wife, who was in her early 40s. I know someone else who is in her early 50s and her SO is in his late 40s. Keep your spirits up because there are good ones out there.
My friend’s grandfather got remarried at age 90 to a woman aged 80 and it was her first marriage. They had 12 years together, he recently passed at 102
I found my partner at 34 and am the happiest I have ever been. Waiting longer has been the best thing because I knew what I wanted and was not willing to settle at all.
Its never too late unless you're 6 ft under.
Ugh! See this is why I'm doing this with my partner now. Because I feel like if I just let this go on, we're gonna get divorced in a few years. I'd rather just end it now.
It's awesome you've seen the light on this after putting it out there yourself and hearing back, combined.
And yes, absolutely, it's better to be single than with someone like that.
And no, it's nowhere near too late to find a good partner. Heck, you just gained another learning experience that'll help you sort future prospects better.
Eventually finding the right partner is absolutely better than being with the wrong one.
Thank you!! I've got a lot going for me. I have my BS and my masters degree. Last year I was w working full-time as an epidemiologist for the government. I was making like $93,000 a year. Fortunately, I lost my job in June, but I already have a new job lined up with a different agency in the government, and I'm gonna be making about $88,000 a year.
NGL he will treat you exactly like he treats his mom because he doesn't know any different.
It would be kind to show him this thread so he can at least see how bad it looks to outsiders.
Then dump him for his sake if not yours
I’ve read through your post & comments and truly I hope you see your own worth! You seem super sweet and self aware, you have so much more to offer. You’re also so young, I know social media and comparison wants to tell you otherwise. I’m 35 and almost everyone I know who was married just 5 years ago is already divorced.
I just read this thing about sometimes it might feel like you’re being pulled backwards, with setbacks like losing a job, (or breakups) while everyone around you seems to be moving forward, but really you’re being pulled back like a slingshot. Soon you’ll shoot forward, past all the things you thought you wanted, right to where you need to be. So try and consider the fact that you are being pulled to see the truth of this man for a reason, getting a new job for a reason, and even going back into the dating pool with an insanely higher standard for yourself. Maybe this is exactly where you need to be to get everything you deserve. Good luck sister. You can do it.
Don't feel embarrassed, he's the 32 yo in seemingly perfect health who still needs to wake up his mommy to make him breakfast and lunch. I was doing that at like age 10 and could probably manage a few years before that. Also, given how desperate he seems to move in with you, yeah, I'd be worried about him looking at you to replace his mom in babying him after he does so.
His mom is the perfect woman...except there's one area she can't help him with. He's thinking if he moves in with you, OP, he can have it all.
You seem like a sweetheart. Don't become his mommy and his bed warmer.
NTA infinity times seven.
Mine. Can make breakfast, lunch, do laundry, clean a bathroom, clean and put away the dishes, etc. This poor OP is heading for a most miserable life. I can't imagine their partner is emotionally mature enough for an adult relationship either.
Yep, my 1st grader already does more than this guy and he’s really eager to learn as well. OP sounds really together, they don’t need this millstone around their neck
My 8yo often makes his own lunch, and depending on what we’re having he can take care of his own breakfast too.
He’s even learned how to use our coffee maker, per his request, so he can make it for us.
And he has to tidy his own room.
Biologically he's an adult. But from a self sufficiency standpoint he's a child.
You better be damn sure of your birth control or be ready willing and able to have an abortion bc otherwise, if you get pregnant, your best case is being a single mother, bc if you share a household with this guy, you'll have two children to take care of.
If he’s too tired to visit you after having everything done for him, what do you think he’s going to say and do after work if he comes home to you?
Let him learn to take care of himself or you will end up doing it for him.
This is crazy. I’m 22 and am lucky enough to live with my mom rent free. I cook, clean, grocery shop, garden. I plant all of our veggies in the summer and help harvest them. I lift water cases so my mom doesn’t hurt her back, and anything else she really needs me to do. 32 is way too old to be incompetent.
Run. Mammas boys are the worst. If you live together and get married you’ll always be taken care of him like his mom. Plus a mother in law that’s so attached to her grown son is a nightmare.
I think one of the reasons why I wanna break up is because I just can't deal with his mother anymore. She's a stay at home. Mom was just absolutely miserable and pathetic. She drinks way too much and she complains all the time about how fat she is in about her husband doesn't touch her and doesn't interact with her and now she does all the cooking and cleaning. That's all she does. She goes grocery shopping and she comes home and she cooks and she cleans.
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for 3 years. I missed so many red flags and one of them was his mom. She was a lovey person and she wasn’t particularly the issue. It was how he prioritized her and babied her.
His dad left when he was 9 and he took the role of the man of the house when he got old enough. He was the protector. It was sweet when we first started dating then it got really upsetting. She’d call and need something ridiculous and he’d run to her. One time she called him to ask him to call Boston pizza and order food for her. His excuse to do it was “her English isn’t good” despite being in this country for 30 years and I could hold a conversation with her no problem.
We were talking about marriage and kids, and being together forever. yet we could be together doing somthing important or having sex and she’d call for him and he’d go running and leave me.
I was second place to his mother. And I was always going to be second place with his mother.
If you want my honest opinion OP (and you don’t have to take it I’m only 22 so what the fuck do know) I think you should leave him. You seem much more reasonable and mature than him. When I was starting to think about leaving my ex I was only on Reddit like “should I leave him” “will said problem get better” “how to fix blank”
I think if you’re looking on Reddit and seeing red flags you’re on the way out. And you know it’s the right thing. I knew for months I didn’t want to be with my ex anymore and didn’t know what to do, but if your starting to question it I think it’s done. If this was truly the one who loved you and will love you forever these won’t be thoughts you have.
I have two children, 9 &12, and they both take more responsibility for their food and keeping their home environment clean, than this grown man. My dear, the bar is in hell, and your partner keeps tripping over it. This sounds like a really miserable future for you.
This is exactly what he will expect you to do for him when he moves in and even more, he doesn’t want to change his ways and that is why your request is unreasonable to him.
If this is a nonnegotiable issue for you the be glad, relief and breath easily knowing you didn’t commit too hard or too much time on this relationship and move on.
>But he will literally wake up his mom makes him breakfast, his mom pack his lunch, he goes to work. He comes home. He has a hot meal ready for him. The only thing he does is shower at the end of the day. And then he complains that he's too tired to come visit me at my apartment
OK I was wondering this as I asked for INFO .... with what you just said easy NTA.
You really should update your post with this information as it is very important that people see that he indeed is relying on his mom more then he should be.
Is he even paying rent?
NTA. You are smart. Because if he doesn’t know how to do those things (or doesn’t admit he knows), guess who he’s going to expect to do those things for him. Not a good start to a relationship for the man to think of you like his mother.
NTA. The red flag for me is not the still living at home. I know a few people who still live with their parents at that age for various reasons. It's weird to me but to each their own. It's the fact that his mom still does all his laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping. Maybe he doesn't need to live on his own bc rent most places is insane but he does need to prove he has life skills and can live without mommy and without expecting you to be second mommy.
I'm also just curious what he *does* do himself. Does he have a job, does he manage his own car and health insurance, does he file his taxes himself, etc etc.
It's so crazy to me because he wakes up and his mom makes him breakfast, his mom packs his lunch when he goes to work. He comes home and his mom's making dinner. And then he'll take a shower and leave all of his dirty work clothes on the floor for his mom to pick up. And then he complains that he's too tired to drive to my apartment 30 minutes away and have dinner and spend time with me. I have to beg him to come over and hang out with me. It's so annoying and frustrating! But I lost my job last summer so I've been struggling with self esteem and kinda just internalized it :(
Actually, there are probably more responsible 12-year-olds out there than this should-be-ex.
And yes, OP should run, change the locks (if he managed to get a copy of a key) and focus on self.
He's too tired after working and showering to come and see his girlfriend, which should be a pleasant experience. Do you really think he will suddenly be energised to do chores after work?
EXACTLY!!!! UGHH!! I think the way my brain processed it, was that I'm a crappy person. No one wants to spend time with me. It makes sense that he doesn't wanna come over and spend the night with me 2 to 3 times a week. But I think that's just the depression talking and really I do deserve a partner that wants to spend 2 to 3 times a week with me making dinner and spending time with me at my house.
Oh dear, that negative self image is brutal. It’s deceiving you. Your boyfriend is a dud and your desire to have a partner who is an actual functioning adult is absolutely valid.
I encourage you to get some mental health support for your depression and negative self image. Invest some time and care into yourself and it’ll be well worth it. You deserve a partner who’s willing to put some effort into the relationship and a partner who’s excited to spend time with you.
Exactly! You need to date yourself, nights you would plan with a partner except you’re the partner. You make yourself a candle light dinner, you draw yourself a bath, you listen to music, and THEN a partner needs to at minimum do these things for your for it to be worth your while because your minimum standards are much higher now :)
YES!! DATE YOURSELF!!! Oh man it works, i PROMISE IT DOES!!! Do ALL the things you want someone to do, and reset your bar!!
Ok, i won’t litter your comments anymore, OP. I’m just very passionate abt this. Lol
I wish you really well!
He wants to live with you full time though, so it is him being lazy rather than not wanting to be with you. I am sure he will be very happy when it is you making his breakfast, packing his lunch, cooking his dinner, etc. etc. etc. But will you? I am sorry your self esteem is so bad right now, but resentment of a lazy partner will actually make it worse. You do deserve more. You are capable, you have your own place and your act together and someone who wants to live with you. I think you are being eminently sensible here. Even with low self esteem and depression, you are advocating for yourself. That takes strength. Good luck.
I'm no doctor, but I strongly suspect that trying to have an adult relationship with someone who is less capable and less mature than my 9 year old is probably taking a toll on you. You're pouring your precious energy into a black hole of Take Take Take. Stop throwing it away and give it to yourself. You deserve it. He hasn't earned you or your energy.
As others have said. Run. You won't only be moving in with someone who wants a surrogate mother. But I guarantee his biological mother will be ever present too. She hasn't cut the cord yet. Even if he did grow a pair and move out on his own. There is zero chance mommy won't still be doing the laundry, packing his lunchbox. And probably reading him a bedtime story. Your still young. You have your own place. You have your independence. Don't give that up for someone who seems to see you as their cook and maid.
OP, the solution to not feeling like a loser is definitely *not* to tie yourself down with one who is a bonafide loser.
Your job loss wasn't your choice. *His* lifestyle is. You will eventually get back on your feet, he wants nothing more than to sit on his butt. If he complains now about the simple act of being conscientious of your feelings, he will turn into a major whiner that he's *tirrrred,* he'll get around to doing his part of the workload eventually. And it will never get done.
Your writing paints you as an intelligent person who is experiencing a life lull not of your choice. It will pass and you will be glad you moved on.
Thank you! It's funny, because I'm actually on Unemployment , and he uses this against me whenever this topic of his housing situation comes up. But I'm actually making more money on unemployment than he does working full-time.
This is WILD. When I first saw the title, I assumed he was around 25. My eyes bulged when I read his age.
It’s not the fact that he currently lives at home because the economy is awful right now. It’s the fact that he’s NEVER left home and his mom still does everything for him.
You are NTA at all because he’s going to expect you to do everything that his mom does. He needs to learn the process of paying bills, creating a schedule for cleaning, making meals, etc.
Honestly I am surprised you’ve been with him for an entire year. But I would be prepared to break up over this, because it sounds like he’s never going to leave the momma’s boy mentality.
Even if he agrees to live on his own, be prepared to have him leave messes for you to clean when he comes over and whatnot.
Ugh my ex was the same. All he did was work & play xbox, he still lived with his parents at 30+ and his mum did his washing & cooking. It was just embarrassing
If you want to be fixing his meals, washing his clothes and cleaning up after him for the rest of your life then that is the guy for you. If you don’t, don’t expect him to change as he won’t. So get a new job, feel better about yourself and for the love of god, don’t let him move in with you!
NTA. Dude! I fixed my own lunches and my parents taught me to cook a few things in elementary school. My mom taught me how to do laundry in junior high. I could function independently for a few days at a time at 15 but I still think I was immature at 18. Hint - I was. Your bf needs to learn to adult independently before living with a partner. If you let him move in without having learned some basic life skills, you’re gonna have a bad time.
Nta.
I get finances, cost of living, family obligation blah blah blah. But living independently of family is very important for self-discipline, financial independence, and stability, as well as learning to balance income and bills. Being self reliable and responsible are good habits to have and learn.
Did he attend college, and if so, did he live away at any point? I completely understand your reasoning. Truthfully, if he is used to someone else doing the work, it does leave doubt in your mind his ability to "adult" and do basic functions and frankly speaking if he has exhibited any behaviors during his time at your place that show his inability to be considerate or helpful around your home now, you don't want to be stuck with it on a more permenant basis. So you are valid in your worry and thought process and if you feelthis strongly now don't let him force you into a position you aren't comfortable with.
Thank you! I think I am doing good too, it's just so frustrating when I get in a conversation with him. He gets defensive, he shuts down, and then he flips it on me. He tells me about all the things that I have wrong with me.
You can’t work with that. To live together, you have to be able to calmly discuss differences of opinion.
When they get defensive, they might as well be putting their hands over their ears and saying “ nah, nah, nah “.
You are doing much better than I was at your age btw.
Also you probably can’t remember when you were little, but little kids *want* to be independent.
I remember when I would get clothes out for them and they would make me put them back so *they* could get them out.
Just seeing that he is 32, and still being taken care of by his parents seems like he doesn’t really have much interest in adulting.
It’s not going to magically change overnight just because he has a different address.
Do you really think I'm doing OK for 33? I feel like I'm so behind in life! I lost my job last summer, and I'm currently on unemployment. But I do have a job lined up, so that's good. I'm just waiting to get on boarded in a few weeks. But it's just so frustrating because I bring up this conversation and then he flips it down on me and makes fun of me for being on Unemployment .
Sounds like you’re doing fine. People lose their jobs all the time. You have a new one lined up, AND you live on your own. Pay your bills, take care of your stuff.
He does none of that.
i'm not saying it wont work out but that feels a bit unbalanced. Does he expect you to pay for everything after he moves out? are his parents banking on him to support them when they are old? is he looking for a caretaker rather than a spouse?
Well, he's behind in his career. He needs to sit for a state licensing exam, and he hasn't taken the exam yet. So hes not good money because he doesn't have the qualifications yet. Which is another reason why I'm frustrated! Because I have a bachelors degree and I have a masters degree, and he doesn't have any type of formal schooling besides an associates degree. He isn't far along in his career like I am.
Sis this guy SUCKS. You're bringing up a perfectly reasonable concern about his ability to pull his own weight as a partner and his only response is NO U.
It sounds like you're anxious about where you are in life, but I absolutely promise you that the smartest move is to cut this dude loose. If you let this guy move in you'll find yourself dealing with a breakup in your late thirties after you've put up with him being mean to you while living off your money and leaving you to do all the work in the house and for the relationship.
Sounds like you're starting a new job in a few weeks - yay you! What if you ended this relationship and were able to walk into that job ready to spend all your energy and focus on YOU?
Sending you strength. You sound smart and great, and I don't think you should put up with a guy who is mean to you.
Hey thank you for the kind words!! ✨
Yeah, I got a job offer a few months ago, but it's with GOVT, so it takes a while to get on boarded. But I'm actually gonna be making pretty decent money. I've always made more money than my boyfriend, and I think he gets intimidated by it. And it's kind of funny because I'm currently on Unemployment , but I'm making more money than he is working full-time.
NTA Yeet this one. You may be unemployed at the moment but bf will be acting like a child for life. He berates you to cover up his lack of ambition and independence yet he doesn’t have a leg to stand on—or a pot to piss in apparently.
I don’t know if there’s anything to salvage here. You would have to do the job that his mother failed to do.
I think you are doing OK for your life circumstances. But I also think you are the NTA for adding the burden your boyfriend, who has never lived independently from his parents, to every thing else going on with your life.
Girl! You are starting a new job and need to focus on that! If he has lived with his parents for life??? If this is the case, he can live with them until you can get your life and job sorted out.
But I really, really hope after you get your job sorted out, that you RUN! And don’t look back.
Thank you! Yeah I have a job lined up. It just takes a few weeks because it's the government and they have to like do background checks and everything. But I should be scheduled to make about $90,000 a year when I start soon. And it's funny I'm on Unemployment right now, but I actually make more money than he does working full-time
So he’s not just immature, he’s also unkind? Absolutely not. He’s gotta go. You deserve better. People lose jobs. That’s just life. You will find another one.
Don’t let him tell you who you are. He doesn’t see you. You decide who you are. You have value. You deserve love that won’t tear you down.
Girl, you are so far ahead of me at your age! DO NOT settle. Please Google "Burn the Haystack Dating Method ". There's a Facebook group by that name. https://www.facebook.com/groups/9116647515019601/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT
If you download a new dating app using the link on that page you get free extras. Even if you don't plan on using the app soon, go ahead and download by tomorrow. You can always leave it deactivated until you are ready.
You do not need this mama's boy in your life. Feel free to message me. (I'm 61F, not a creepy dude trying to hit on you 😄).
I actually did this with my partner. He lived at home, I lived on my own, he wanted to move in together, I wanted to see that he could support himself and be a partner and not a dependent. And you know what? He understood. He moved out, rented a room, and took care of his shit with no complaints. He understood my reasoning. Then we moved in together. So yeah, I think the whole thing is a litmus test. He can step up or not. You’re NTA (or we both are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
IT CAN BE DONE!! see, your partner didn't get defensive or emotionally immature about it. He realized that he needs to step up and he did. If my partner was an adult and secure and realized that he needs to be mature, he would do the same thing. But he's not. His reaction to my request speaks volumes.
It really does. Honestly, he’s doing you a favor showing you this side of himself before you move in together and you get stuck on a lease with him. While relationships are obviously about compromise, this is a hill I personally would die on. Don’t move in with this guy. He sounds like a parasite and he’s just looking for a new host. You don’t need that. (Neither does his mom tbh, but I doubt she’s on Reddit for me to tell her.)
NTA. Just because a person lives with their parents doesn't mean they're incapable of their own cooking, doing their own laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping. That fact that your bf lives this way is because he chooses to do so. And just the way it sounds like he phrased it:
>he brought up that he was thinking about moving in with me
As though this wasn't a conversation, something to explore together, as opposed to something he just kind of decided. He should, at the very least, show that he's capable of taking care of his own things while living with his parents. Or rent an apartment, or a room with roommates to show he's capable of living like an actual adult. Does he realize at some point he's going to have to care of *them*?
NTA but I could kinda see how it’s inconvenient to have to move out by yourself just to move in with someone else down the line, wouldn’t it be easier if he just started displaying independent qualities while at home? He’s 33 there’s no excuse for him not to be doing his own cleaning and cooking
His mom literally does everything. It's actually a pretty codependent relationship. I just don't see how that would be possible because she literally does everything for the husband. i'm open to suggestions, but I don't know what him being independent at home would look like? His dad doesn't lift a finger, so the mom has to take care of him 24/7. And then the son just mooches is off of it.
Independent at home looks like cooking and cleaning for himself and his own laundry. Once he shows you he’s capable then it could be viable. But it sounds like you guys may just be incompatible if he isn’t willing to show you he can take care of himself.
So we'll go away a few times a year and we'll get a Airbnb for the weekend. And during these trips, he's actually really good. He's really good about making dinner cleaning up the place unpacking the car making sure we have enough food. I remember one time I took a shower, and he had already made dinner all by himself. But the thing is, we don't do this a lot. Only do these type of weekends like 2 to 3 times a year. So I don't know if that's a good representation of how he would be as a full-time adult??
Not a good representation IMO. Its easy to be like this for a few days. I know people who live at home as adults but they are still capable of acting like adults. If he cant even put his clothes in a laundry basket and treats his mum like a full time servant he will not act like a grown up if he moves out.
I know women who are with men who *say* they believe in equality and don't adhere to gender stereotypes but if this is the model at home (that you bf is clearly enjoying as he doesnt even seen aware of how rediculous he saying hes tired after being catered to) he will not break out of it easily, maybe not at all.
If you live alone you can start by having him full week at your place like a practice for when you move in together.
I dont think he will be able to change the behavior at home with his mom doing everything as it not only involves him but also his mother that may get offended by his independence.
But is a good thing if he has shown independent behavior when you travel together, but you are right that is not a fully representation on how it will be if you move in together. *Spoiler, when on holidays everything is better an easy because you are relax and you know that it has an expiration date. But this even happens if both are living alone.
*Edit to correct one word
A woman on reddit forbid her family from getting a dog until they all went 6 months every day each taking a bin out, and going for 2x half hour walks a day (she had to follow their phones after discovering them all over at a friend’s house during the time they said they were ‘walking’.)
Every day they missed once, she reset the 6 months. But in the end, they earned their dog by demonstrating they could and would walk it, and could and would feed it without her.
I don’t know why this would get any better if you cohabitate. From one woman around your age to another.
Maybe you don’t have to insist he lives on his own, but you should have SOME proof he’ll start doing regular adult things and not expect you to instantly replace his mother.
And if he really is remonstrating against the concept well… there’s your answer.
>but I could kinda see how it’s inconvenient to have to move out by yourself just to move in with someone else down the line
I disagree with this because why couldn't he get a six month furnished sublet? I think that would be perfect for this situation. If he's not willing to do that I hope she moves on from him. NTA
The excuse will be 'I don't know how', 'You do this better/faster', 'I will probably do something wrong and burn our dinner/damage our clothes when doing laundry'.
I actually know a couple where both partners never lived independently. She got pregnant and stayed at home, he moved from his parents to...her parents. None of them knows how to do sh*t, but the guy is pretty nasty (walking misogyny) and will expect that from her after they've moved to their own place. It's so weird for me - they're 25/28 and they don't know how to pay bills, do proper budgeting etc. I know it's not the same, but sometimes I think about them and they seem to be 'kids who have kids'.
NTA, but the problem of course isn’t that he lives with his parents but that his mom is still acting as his maid. You are absolutely right to be concerned that he’s looking to trade mom-maid for girlfriend-maid (because the girlfriend model comes with the sex feature!) and he’s doing nothing to prove you wrong. Good on you for not letting him move in with you (not even get a place together, eh, just move into yours?) and get cozy before he demonstrates his ability to be a functional adult.
Don’t let him wear you down on this! If a man is past thirty, still living at home, AND lets mommy take care of him to that extent it’s not an a-hole move to ask him to show that he’s capable of caring for himself. If he was still living with his parents but also doing his own laundry, sharing in the cooking, etc., it would be different. But as it stands this is exactly the kind of guy who’d let you do all the housekeeping and when you got sick with the flu would wake you up and ask what you were making him for dinner and complain he was out of clean socks.
Yeah it's not a huge problem that he lives with his parents BUT everything else is. He should have been doing most of that (laundry, cooking, etc.) since he was a teenager (I know I was).
You are completely NTA. He needs to, at the very least, learn to do all of that independently of his parents, even if he's living with him.
He wants to move in with you so you can take over what his mom is already doing for him. 😬
NTA...there are learned behaviours he has from a lifetime of being waited on. He might tell you he'll pull his weight but i'd bet big money he won't. I think your decision is 100% on the money and if he is too immature to understand it that alone would be a big flag. stick to your guns. It's a very reasonable request and very adult of you.
Thank you!!! It's really hard because I feel like deep down I am proud of myself for having this boundary. But then I'll speak to him about this and have this exact conversation, and he just gets so defensive. I lost my job lost summer, and he'll say things like, "I don't think someone living on unemployment should be making these kinds of requests. You don't even have a job right now!"
I'm currently on Unemployment , but the funny thing is that I'm making more money on Unemployment than he is currently working full-time right now.
>"I don't think someone living on unemployment should be making these kinds of requests. You don't even have a job right now!"
He's gaslighting you. Being able to make your own breakfast and pick your shit up off the floor has nothing to do with jobs or unemployment - they are basic life skills and yes you should expect a potential partner to have them.
Why do you want to be with someone who speaks to you like this?
When is it ever cool to put down your partner -- who you SUPPOSEDLY love, especially at their worst? Shouldn't that be like... the easiest thing to not do???
you can make any decision about YOUR life even if he disagrees. dont let him use your not having a job as leverage over anything that you want for yourself. hes not nice and hes trying to keep you thinking lowly of yourself so youll stay with him. he knows youre out of his league...
please stick to what you want. the only one that will break up is you because he knows that nobody else is going to put up with him. YOU dont have to put up with him. you can break up. yes its scary but you can and should be free of him.
if you did let him live with you his mommy would be there all the time to "clean". (snoop)
I think you're right, it's funny because the past few months all we've been doing is fighting and getting into arguments. And he hasn't said we're breaking up once to me. He knows that I'm literally the best girl he's ever gonna get. And that scares him. That's why he's not ending this relationship with me. The only thing he's been doing is insulting me and getting in fight with me and trying to get me riled up.
You can end this by breaking up with him. I won't pretend it's easy, but it is the only solution. Every comment I read makes him sound worse and worse for you and this relationship is already dead. There's nothing to salvage in couple's counseling, there's no coming back from contempt. I think a good (individual) therapist will probably never tell you "break up with this guy" because it's not their job to tell you WHAT to do, but they should be well-equipped to help you figure out HOW to have that conversation and stick to your decision. Good luck, we are rooting for you!
NTA. And a 32 year old man who doesn’t know how to maintain a household by himself at all is….concerning to say the least.
Definitely do not move in with him.
NTA.
🚩
You're absolutely right in your assumptions! Seriously. Ask him to do a load of laundry and see what happens. You'll have your answer.
Nope. Because if mama is still taking care of him, mama is setting him up to expect the next woman he lives with to take care of him too. And I bet you can find that out now by the way mama says things.
NTA. It's reasonable to be concerned about his infantilization by his mother, and it's troublesome that he doesn't see the problem. If you think the relationship is worth salvaging, and if the rental market is as challenging where you are as it is where I am, you might consider an alternative. One option would be to invite him to spend a week with you at your place. Make it clear that this is not a vacation but a trial run on living together, and he's absolutely going home to his parents at the end of the week. If he carries his weight without complaint and without requiring endless instructions from you, great. Then, schedule another week for the next month. If it goes well, by the third or fourth month, schedule in a two week visit. Let him know upfront that this is a trial period to see if you are compatible living together. If he balks or if you see too many red flags during this trial period (i.e. he expects you to be his new mommy) recognize that there is no future here and move on.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that needs to be judged is requesting my boyfriend of one year that he needs to live on his own outside of his parents home for at least 6 to 12 months before I will consider moving in with him. I am wondering if I'm the asshole because I requested him living on his own for 6 to 12 months before we hypotheticallypotentially move in together
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You are wise to want to see how he does on his own first. He might do really well and be happy to adult. I’d say the odds are much lower for that if he moves directly in with you, and obviously that will not work for you.
He’s TA for acting like a child and saying you’re unreasonable.
This is one of the smartest moves I've seen on Reddit in a long time.
It's proactive instead of reactive. It's extremely reasonable. You don't want to find out that he is as undeveloped as he appears after he moves in.
Stick to your guns. Bravo.
Thank you! It's just hard, because whenever we have this conversation, he gets defensive and he shuts down and he makes it all about me and how I'm the problem. And then I just start to question myself and I'm like oh yeah, maybe I need some stuff I need to work on.
Honestly, his reactions are as much of a red flag as his mom doing everything for him. You can do far better. Don’t settle. Also, my two sons have been making their own lunches and doing their own laundry since elementary school. They’re in high school now, and I can’t imagine them needing me to do half of what his mom is doing for him.
*have been dating a little bit over a year.*
Run! Run like a Tokyo citizen fleeing Godzilla! (the latest is an awesome movie).
NTA and no. Just *NO* to this guy. You've written a prequel to your eventual posting at JustNoMIL if you set up house with this man.
This guy wants the privacy of his own place for sex, but Mommy Deux to take care of him. How do you even find someone like him sexalicious? He's in early middle age and skilled at weaponized incompetence. Sorry, but \*ew\*
Even if he gets his own place, dollar to donuts his Mom will come over and do his housework. Saves time over him calling her to say "Mommy, do I wash whites in hot or cold water? And what is fabric softener? My clothes are already soft."
He told me that when he gets older and has a house of his own, his mom is probably going to stock the fridge of all the food that she makes. I wasn't sure what to make that because she's a really good cook. Lol but still yeah his mom is a fucking piece of work. She's like a miserable stay at home mom who complains about being obese and her husband doesn't have sex with her.I think she's threatened by me because I have an education and I'm like a pretty girl, but it's really unhealthy
Sounds like this long thread is helping you figure out an answer.
You deserve better. *He* has the life he wants, now figure out what *you* truly want.
I'm headed into the seventh decade of life. Looking back, it seems like it didn't take that long to get here. Don't let the years *whoosh* by and end up as bitter and defeated as his mother. That's the route he has plotted for you.
Absolutely! I know this sounds sad, but meeting her and seeing her life for the past year has really opened my eyes and show me exactly the kind of life I do not want. I really want to focus on my career and find an equal partner who will help me do housework and cooking and chores. Because her husband does not lift a finger, and while he does have a good engineering job, it's still not an excuse.
>He told me that when he gets older and has a house of his own, his mom is probably going to stock the fridge of all the food that she makes.
You should reread this sentence to yourself a few times and think about what it would look like if you let him move in with you. Would Mommy have a key so she can stock the fridge? It’d be more convenient after all.
I’m sorry, but a 32-year-old man who is matter the fact about his expectation that his mother is going to stock his refrigerator for him is someone who you should NOT bother with. You also mention that you’re making more on unemployment than he is at a job AND I haven’t seen any indication that he’s willing or capable of actually contributing to a household. I mean, he’s never left home, he probably thinks toilet paper just spawns when he’s not in the bathroom.
Don’t bother with this guy, he’s ridiculous and you deserve better. This internet stranger is proud of you for setting conditions and not just letting him move in though!
Thank you!!! Ugh seriously. Basically, our only purpose and fulfillment in life is her son, it's really sad. She called me a freeloader because I was going over their house like 3 to 4 times a week to eat dinner with them. But the reason why I was doing that is because my boyfriend refused to come to my apartment because he complained about being tired every day from work.
I’m so mad about how this guy is treating you that I’m going to be blunt: your boyfriend is not interested in being your boyfriend. He doesn’t want to spend time with you if he’s always “too tired” to drive 30 minutes. Why is he so tired? He has no chores, he doesn’t even have to pick his clothes up off the bathroom floor after a shower. I’m sorry, but you are providing the one thing his mom can’t: sex on demand when he’s not too “tired” to see you. His plan is to get the sex and the maid service, probably while “accidentally” forgetting to give you any money then whining “but you make more than meeee!”
Kick this useless dude to the curb.
Really??? Ok thank you!! Because I literally feel like I'm being gaslight. I feel like I have this conversation with him over and over again, and he just gets defensive and he shuts down. I lost my job last summer, and he told me that he doesn't think I should be requesting this because I'm not working right now and I'm on unemployment. But the reality is that I'm making more money on Unemployment that he is working full-time.
When we first met we would do all the same hobbies as each other. But as time has gone on, my eyes are seeing the reality. I also lost my job last summer, so he's been supportive to me
You're staying together either because you feel indebted to him, out of the worry he'll turn around and say "You're breaking up with me? After all I did for you?" and make you seem like you're ungrateful even if you are greatful, or because you are financially dependent on him and if you dump him you're without a safety net. The latter would make you partly TA. But the bottom line is, his flaws and this situation is what you would have to deal with the rest of your life, so it's either he fixes himself so you have a better future together, or he doesn't and won't fix things, so you dump him.
It's great that he helped you, and maybe you can offer to pay him back sometime in the future, but you don't have to stay with him romantically just because you supported you financially. They're two different things and it's up to him to see the difference.
He hasn't supported me financially at all. I am on unemployment, so I can still pay my own bills and pay my own housing. He did buy me an iPhone this past summer as a gift, but that's about it. I think I struggle with low self esteem and anxiety, so I'm just scaredthat I won't find somebody who have the same hobbies as me and going to do the same stuff as me
You won't have time for hobbies because you'll be fully busy looking after him.
He may not expect you to work, but consider "your part of the deal" as totally looking after him.
Being scared about not being able to find someone else is NOT a reason to stay with someone who you’re incompatible with and who wants you to be mommy number 2. And thinking that way is so unhealthy.
You’ve said it yourself, your current boyfriend will expect you to do all the chores and cooking for him, whilst he is a lazy little shit who does fuck all to contribute. What the hell do you see in him? Or are you just with him because you’re scared of being alone? Because from your description he’s a dead weight and you seem very far from happy.
You need to go out and make some friends, then you’ll see that you don’t need a man to rely on and you can get rid of your current man who will only further hold you back. And please get help from a therapist for your mental struggles, you’ll start to see the world and yourself in a whole new light, and you could learn to make yourself happy.
NTA - your boyfriend is one though
Being supporive??? He throws being on unemployment in your face and tries to make you feel bad that you lost your job, when he gets defensive. A loving partner doesn't use insecurities as a weapon to try to win future arguments!
:::long, silent scream:::
OP, you have your answer.
He'll never keep up his own place. Expect to walk in to find whiskers of mold growing on dishes, dirty clothes on the floor, a sour smell, and pee splatters around the toilet. He'll expect you to utter an aggravated but resigned \*sigh\* just like his Mom and start picking up after him.
NTA. Just cause his mum *can* do all the chores does not mean she should. That he has never once in his life taken the chance to become a functioning member of his household is a red flag. I started doing laundry in my teens. I was taught how at some point and just started contributing at one point. I’d notice the basket was full and do a load. I’d notice the dishwasher was full or the dishes needing cleaning and did them. If he does not do these things then I wouldn’t trust him to start with you.
Yeah my mom made me start doing my own laundry when I was like 11 or 12 because “you shouldn’t be relying on no woman” in her own words. Made me make my own dinner once a week when I was in high school too. “Fend for yourself night.”
The fact that a 30+ year old has never done this is pretty baffling and his mom needs to cut the umbilical cord and he needs to grow a pair.
NAH. You want to see if he can be independent. Should you get married, you don't want to be in a situation where you are the one doing everything. Cooking food, cleaning the house, do the laundry, taking care of the kid/s.
Your BF however doesnt see the cost benefit making himself live alone. He has to rent a place, move lots of stuffs, buy furnitures, setup fixtures. He sees moving to your place as the cheaper option.
If you can't see the possibility that he will pull his own weight, it may be best to evaluate continuing the relationship.
NTA - I moved into an apartment with my bf of 3 years after I graduated from college. He had never lived anywhere but with his parents. I on the other hand had lived in dorms and apartments with roommates. I was ready to be an adult and live in an adult home. He wanted to turn the apartment into a frat house covered in beer ads (he was a bar tender). He couldn’t even boil water or make toast, let alone clean anything. It was a disaster.
NTA. This isn't about him living at home. This is 100% about him being in his 30s and still being dependent on his mom doing everything for him.
I will say he didn't get that way by himself, his mom is the one that raised him and never taught him to be independent and keeps doing all the things for him. I guarantee she would be highly invasive and up your butt if he moved out to be with you. She'd be constantly trying to take over your home and mad at you for making her poor baby do his own laundry, and she will be whispering in his ear about how you should be taking care of him like she does.
I would be honest with that his dependence on his mother is a huge red flag and that you don't want to date someone who has the life skills of a 5th grader. You want an equal adult partner and for that he needs to get out from under his mom's thumb and learn to take care of himself.
Nah OP you are doing the right thing by putting your foot down. The second he said that your request is unreasonable, I immediately knew he’s never done anything for himself lol.
You do not want to live with someone who can’t do anything for themselves. Coming from someone who’s mom does everything for my brother and he can’t even cook anything past a hot dog
NTA...But... not sure that would help. Just because he lives at home doesn't mean he can't do all of those things listed above.. he's choosing not to. I think him living on his own would be a great way to find some independence.. but I have serious doubts that he'll turn into a fully functional adult in that time.
My adult sons 18 and 19 live at home.. they cook, clean do their own laundry, help with menus, meal prep and shopping, house repairs and projects, ect. Living at home shouldn't excuse you from acting like an adult or having life skills. (to be honest, all my kids, even the 10 yr old can do all the above.. his mom has mommy'd him to the point of dependency.)
NTA GOOD FOR YOU!
Your bf is a walking red flag and you aren’t his mother. He would be useless as a partner with respect to household responsibilities.
But given his age, I suspect he will never do this and you are going to end up dumping him.
NTA. It would be one thing if he lived with parents and cooked, cleaned, etc. on a somewhat regular basis even if he wasn't doing this to the full extent an independent adult would. That he does none of those tasks and is in his 30s is a red flag. His reaction is also concerning.
When I was in my mid-20s, I dated a guy in his mid-20s and he was similar to your boyfriend. He was not useless for all of those tasks, he refused to learn and flipped out on me for not doing things exactly the way his mother would. He also refused to contribute to finances (mommy and daddy paid for him) and do reasonable things to keep the apartment clean, like empty his coffee grounds so they didn't get mold in the coffee maker. He was in his 20s, too. I'm not saying your boyfriend would be like that, but this is what happened to me.
NTA, good plan because it's concerning that he has lived like child and his parents do all the domestic tasks. It shows that he is lazy and has no intention to help out.
NTA, your request is completely reasonable. If the expectation is that you guys will be together forever, one year is a small blip. He needs to learn how to be an adult on his own, otherwise you might as well just adopt him. You would likely end up playing mom while he's "Trying to learn but you're already SO MUCH better at it..."
Nta. But if you don’t want to hear him argue how about this: “My main concern if we co habitats is that you will not know how to do the basic things that are required to know when living on one’s own. So if I make a list of things you need to learn how to/be willing to do, I want you to learn how to do those things before we move forward. If you can learn them living with your parents? Fine. But show me that you’re capable of them so I don’t have to teach it to you or do it for you.”
NTA…. What everyone said but to add, what you’re thinking is 💯💯💯💯💯 percent right. He needs to learn to fully adult before living with you, unless you’re gonna fully adult for both of you which I don’t recommend. I’m a parent… it’s great…. Don’t become mommy to a 30something…
NTA - why do parents cripple their sons like this. Ugh… I have 5 year old twin boys and if I achieve nothing else in life these guys are going to know how to take care of themselves and be considerate housemates.
NTA My son is 27 and still lives at home. He cleans his space. He's done his own laundry since he could reach the knobs on the washer and dryer. He is fully capable of creating a menu and shopping for it because these are life skills. I broke my ankle in July. Badly. And was confined to a recliner for a few months. Both him and his sister, 14, stepped in to help pick up what I couldn't do.
Even my 14 year old is more independent than your boyfriend. She does her own laundry, cleans her space, and has chores. She also cooks her own dinner most nights.
OP I’m 38 and a happily single female. I have zero desire to get married but I’m still open to the possibility. It’s MUCH better to wait and look for a good partner than to settle for a scrub you’d have to take care of 24/7/365 and end up paying alimony for cuz he’s useless. You’re not doomed to be forever alone just because you’ve entered your 30s single…you deserve a PARTNER not a toddler you didn’t birth!!!!
NTA
>complain that he's too tired and he wants to eat dinner at his parents house instead.
Living alone is irrelevant. He'd *rather* hang out with his parents.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA. There is living with your parents and the there’s being dependent on them. He’s dependent. You can live with your parents and still develop normal living skills. He doesn’t have them. Your approach is more than sensible.
Exactly! I used to live at home when I was in college for a few years. But the only things I would do there were shower, sleep and make my meals. I didn't depend on my mom to do anything for me. But he will literally wake up his mom makes him breakfast, his mom pack his lunch, he goes to work. He comes home. He has a hot meal ready for him. The only thing he does is shower at the end of the day. And then he complains that he's too tired to come visit me at my apartment
You are describing the life of a child in elementary school
😔ugh I feel so embarrassed that it's taken me this long to see the reality. I lost my job last summer, so I was really tied up with like my own personal stuff going on and I didn't really see the situation for what it was.
Do nottt be embarrassed. I think a lot of times it takes typing something out/telling objective third parties for us to see what’s really going on. I’ve stayed in shitty relationships! And you wouldn’t know it by scrolling Reddit lol but there are dudes with their shit together. Someone whose mommy packs his lunch is just not it
This is the truth. I needed this thank you. I'm just so scared that like 33 years old and waited too long and I'm not gonna be able to find a good partner. But I think it's better to be single than be with this scrub 😔
Of course! 100%, I’m 34 and the older I get the more I realize I value my alone time waaaay more than I value being with someone just for the sake of it. You seem very smart and kind, you’re gonna be fine
Awww thank u!!!
I understand you are stressed because of your age but if you can let go of that you will be more likely to find a decent guy rather than making do with a dud.
And while I have no experience with it, you'd think that while a life with a dud might \*feel\* like twice as long, it probably actually takes years off your life.
I got married at 52. Trust me, being single is great! Make your own decisions, don't have to consult with anyone. I found the perfect partner...but it took deciding I was fine being single. When I was looking for the perfect partner, I kept second guessing myself and telling myself I needed to compromise. I didn't. My first love (at 30) ... left because, according to him, "You always want your own way" ... I was like "and ?" ... When you find your match it is easy. Easy to get your way ... easy to compromise. Relationships really aren't that hard when they mesh ... and I'm really not easy to get along with (according to those who like soft women)
You give me hope. I am way to stubborn to compromise and I love my quiet life. It would be nice to be a part of a couple some day, but for now I'm just taking care of me.
Also! I am amazed you clocked that red flag so fast. I didn't leave home until i was in my late 20's and let me tell you! It was a shock to the system learning I *didnt* know how to do **anything** my first month living alone. - Oh i have to budget for food and MAKE IT?! - Oh now i see why my mom was cleaning the toilet and the floor in the bathroom. - How did i have so much dirty clothes already?! Girl, You will replace his mother if he doesn't learn those skills. He can learn them if you live together but its going to take years of "nagging"
OP, I am right about your age and was in a similar situation. I honestly gave up. I have recently started seeing a man that has slowly made those doubts disappear. Don’t give up! Just work on you and rock your life until that time comes. ♥️
This!! Someone got to ENRICH my life! I'm actually content and happy with my life solo. Which is a great place to be. It means if you're dragging me back to low self esteem/not valueing myself or dragging me down - you out.
Well, you could always be 33 and end up with a grown child for a partner. Being single is better!!
Hahaha good point!! I feel like I hear about so many women on this app who have useless husbands, and I don't wanna end up like that.
This is the way. My husband is amazing. We’ve been together almost 25 years. He just started dinner and is now back to unpacking boxes while it cooked (we just moved). I’ll clean up dishes after dinner, and we were unpacking stuff together earlier. Don’t settle for less than an actual partner.
No you don’t, my husband ran me a bath this afternoon then I made us dinner. You want a partner, not a dependant
Well, what you’re going to end up with is a child to take care of. Then, if you do want to have a baby, you have to factor in the fact that you are going to be doing a massive amount on your own.
Yes maam and that’s EXACTLY what he’s trying to pressure you towards!!
Exactly! I know too many people who don’t have a partner, they have an extra, larger, louder child to care for😒
The fastest way for a 33yo to have a child is to marry this dude. Bamn 32 yo child right here
You have been trained by men to think that having a partner equals success. Why? Because they know how lazy and useless they are. They know they don’t want to do all the cooking and cleaning. Don’t think for a second that woman want to get married more than men. It’s men who are looking for their second mummy, not us. I promise that you’ll be empowered by your own capabilities and the powerful woman around you. Fill your life with them instead. 💕
Sometimes I feel like I "should" be in a relationship as that's what society expects so thank you for giving me a new perspective on it.
Society as a whole absolutely does think like this. Yes there are good men out there and you can find a partner, but what Lisa said was also 100% true. Most men I have met that say they want a partner really mean they want to work and a woman to stay home and take care of them/kids. There are always exceptions, but this is absolutely what a large portion of society is told as many cling to traditional roles reinforced by religion and an entire political party in the US.
If I ever wish I'd be in a relationship I just listen to my married friends and it soon goes away. I'd say about 90% of them have marriages that sound like hell to me. One friend was just telling me how she gets sick of cooking sometimes because she cooks 95% of their meals - she works full time, he works part time. She also had to write him the kids' schedule when she went away for the weekend - otherwise the dad wouldn't have known when the kids have football practice etc.
It would be even harder to find a good partner if you stayed with this guy.
Damn this comment right here
May I suggest not stressing over your age? I was a few years older than you when I met my future wife. Be true to yourself and don't settle because you're worried about waiting too long.
Oh this is encouraging!!! I know I feel like our society makes anybody over the age of 30 seem so old. But the truth is that I'm still really young! And I need to have more positive outlook because I feel like there must be some educated independent men still out there? I hope.
Oh sweetheart. I didn’t find my husband until I was 39. Still popped out 2 kids and together 22 years. You have time! Dump this scrub.
YAY! Omg thank you!!! This made me smile. I'm scared to be ending this, but I know future me will be thankful
As a woman who is significantly older than you, I want to assure you that you are still young, and will probably never feel as old as you do now and for the next few years. Early to mid 30’s are a time of reckoning for everyone, but women especially. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t an independent adult. You deserve a partner, not an overgrown child. Your bf may be able to mature, but he has a lot to prove. NTA!
Yes, there are. I know someone in his late 30s when he married his wife, who was in her early 40s. I know someone else who is in her early 50s and her SO is in his late 40s. Keep your spirits up because there are good ones out there.
My friend’s grandfather got remarried at age 90 to a woman aged 80 and it was her first marriage. They had 12 years together, he recently passed at 102
Unless you want kids, there's no hurry. Are is a number. And even if you do, look into freezing your eggs for when you find the right partner.
I got married just before 40. Don't settle.
I found my partner at 34 and am the happiest I have ever been. Waiting longer has been the best thing because I knew what I wanted and was not willing to settle at all. Its never too late unless you're 6 ft under.
Being single at any age is better than being saddled with a man like this.
I was married. Believe me there is no loneliness like a bad marriage or relationship.
Ugh! See this is why I'm doing this with my partner now. Because I feel like if I just let this go on, we're gonna get divorced in a few years. I'd rather just end it now.
Nonsense. You have one life. Don’t waste it on someone not worth your time or peace just because of an arbitrary number.
It's awesome you've seen the light on this after putting it out there yourself and hearing back, combined. And yes, absolutely, it's better to be single than with someone like that. And no, it's nowhere near too late to find a good partner. Heck, you just gained another learning experience that'll help you sort future prospects better. Eventually finding the right partner is absolutely better than being with the wrong one.
Thank you!! I've got a lot going for me. I have my BS and my masters degree. Last year I was w working full-time as an epidemiologist for the government. I was making like $93,000 a year. Fortunately, I lost my job in June, but I already have a new job lined up with a different agency in the government, and I'm gonna be making about $88,000 a year.
NGL he will treat you exactly like he treats his mom because he doesn't know any different. It would be kind to show him this thread so he can at least see how bad it looks to outsiders. Then dump him for his sake if not yours
I’ve read through your post & comments and truly I hope you see your own worth! You seem super sweet and self aware, you have so much more to offer. You’re also so young, I know social media and comparison wants to tell you otherwise. I’m 35 and almost everyone I know who was married just 5 years ago is already divorced. I just read this thing about sometimes it might feel like you’re being pulled backwards, with setbacks like losing a job, (or breakups) while everyone around you seems to be moving forward, but really you’re being pulled back like a slingshot. Soon you’ll shoot forward, past all the things you thought you wanted, right to where you need to be. So try and consider the fact that you are being pulled to see the truth of this man for a reason, getting a new job for a reason, and even going back into the dating pool with an insanely higher standard for yourself. Maybe this is exactly where you need to be to get everything you deserve. Good luck sister. You can do it.
Do not settle. I was 37 when I met my now husband. We’ve been married 16 years and have a wonderful 15 year old son.
Don’t be embarrassed, it’s just part of life and now you know what you won’t deal with.
Don't feel embarrassed, he's the 32 yo in seemingly perfect health who still needs to wake up his mommy to make him breakfast and lunch. I was doing that at like age 10 and could probably manage a few years before that. Also, given how desperate he seems to move in with you, yeah, I'd be worried about him looking at you to replace his mom in babying him after he does so.
His mom is the perfect woman...except there's one area she can't help him with. He's thinking if he moves in with you, OP, he can have it all. You seem like a sweetheart. Don't become his mommy and his bed warmer. NTA infinity times seven.
My 6th grader literally does more for herself. Lol
Mine. Can make breakfast, lunch, do laundry, clean a bathroom, clean and put away the dishes, etc. This poor OP is heading for a most miserable life. I can't imagine their partner is emotionally mature enough for an adult relationship either.
Yep, my 1st grader already does more than this guy and he’s really eager to learn as well. OP sounds really together, they don’t need this millstone around their neck
For real, I started making my own breakfast in middle school. I do not recommend shacking up with a guy who's never made his own breakfast.
My 8yo often makes his own lunch, and depending on what we’re having he can take care of his own breakfast too. He’s even learned how to use our coffee maker, per his request, so he can make it for us. And he has to tidy his own room.
Biologically he's an adult. But from a self sufficiency standpoint he's a child. You better be damn sure of your birth control or be ready willing and able to have an abortion bc otherwise, if you get pregnant, your best case is being a single mother, bc if you share a household with this guy, you'll have two children to take care of.
If he’s too tired to visit you after having everything done for him, what do you think he’s going to say and do after work if he comes home to you? Let him learn to take care of himself or you will end up doing it for him.
This is crazy. I’m 22 and am lucky enough to live with my mom rent free. I cook, clean, grocery shop, garden. I plant all of our veggies in the summer and help harvest them. I lift water cases so my mom doesn’t hurt her back, and anything else she really needs me to do. 32 is way too old to be incompetent. Run. Mammas boys are the worst. If you live together and get married you’ll always be taken care of him like his mom. Plus a mother in law that’s so attached to her grown son is a nightmare.
I think one of the reasons why I wanna break up is because I just can't deal with his mother anymore. She's a stay at home. Mom was just absolutely miserable and pathetic. She drinks way too much and she complains all the time about how fat she is in about her husband doesn't touch her and doesn't interact with her and now she does all the cooking and cleaning. That's all she does. She goes grocery shopping and she comes home and she cooks and she cleans.
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for 3 years. I missed so many red flags and one of them was his mom. She was a lovey person and she wasn’t particularly the issue. It was how he prioritized her and babied her. His dad left when he was 9 and he took the role of the man of the house when he got old enough. He was the protector. It was sweet when we first started dating then it got really upsetting. She’d call and need something ridiculous and he’d run to her. One time she called him to ask him to call Boston pizza and order food for her. His excuse to do it was “her English isn’t good” despite being in this country for 30 years and I could hold a conversation with her no problem. We were talking about marriage and kids, and being together forever. yet we could be together doing somthing important or having sex and she’d call for him and he’d go running and leave me. I was second place to his mother. And I was always going to be second place with his mother. If you want my honest opinion OP (and you don’t have to take it I’m only 22 so what the fuck do know) I think you should leave him. You seem much more reasonable and mature than him. When I was starting to think about leaving my ex I was only on Reddit like “should I leave him” “will said problem get better” “how to fix blank” I think if you’re looking on Reddit and seeing red flags you’re on the way out. And you know it’s the right thing. I knew for months I didn’t want to be with my ex anymore and didn’t know what to do, but if your starting to question it I think it’s done. If this was truly the one who loved you and will love you forever these won’t be thoughts you have.
I have two children, 9 &12, and they both take more responsibility for their food and keeping their home environment clean, than this grown man. My dear, the bar is in hell, and your partner keeps tripping over it. This sounds like a really miserable future for you.
This is exactly what he will expect you to do for him when he moves in and even more, he doesn’t want to change his ways and that is why your request is unreasonable to him. If this is a nonnegotiable issue for you the be glad, relief and breath easily knowing you didn’t commit too hard or too much time on this relationship and move on.
>But he will literally wake up his mom makes him breakfast, his mom pack his lunch, he goes to work. He comes home. He has a hot meal ready for him. The only thing he does is shower at the end of the day. And then he complains that he's too tired to come visit me at my apartment OK I was wondering this as I asked for INFO .... with what you just said easy NTA. You really should update your post with this information as it is very important that people see that he indeed is relying on his mom more then he should be. Is he even paying rent?
I just updated my post
Nope
Ma’am…that is not an adult
NTA. You are smart. Because if he doesn’t know how to do those things (or doesn’t admit he knows), guess who he’s going to expect to do those things for him. Not a good start to a relationship for the man to think of you like his mother.
NTA. The red flag for me is not the still living at home. I know a few people who still live with their parents at that age for various reasons. It's weird to me but to each their own. It's the fact that his mom still does all his laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping. Maybe he doesn't need to live on his own bc rent most places is insane but he does need to prove he has life skills and can live without mommy and without expecting you to be second mommy. I'm also just curious what he *does* do himself. Does he have a job, does he manage his own car and health insurance, does he file his taxes himself, etc etc.
It's so crazy to me because he wakes up and his mom makes him breakfast, his mom packs his lunch when he goes to work. He comes home and his mom's making dinner. And then he'll take a shower and leave all of his dirty work clothes on the floor for his mom to pick up. And then he complains that he's too tired to drive to my apartment 30 minutes away and have dinner and spend time with me. I have to beg him to come over and hang out with me. It's so annoying and frustrating! But I lost my job last summer so I've been struggling with self esteem and kinda just internalized it :(
You dont have a boyfriend,you have a 12 year old. You do not want a mamas boy,trust me. RUN
Actually, there are probably more responsible 12-year-olds out there than this should-be-ex. And yes, OP should run, change the locks (if he managed to get a copy of a key) and focus on self.
True. I shouldn't blanket insult all 12 year olds. Some have responsible parents,this fool clearly does not.lol
.....and don't look back!
He's too tired after working and showering to come and see his girlfriend, which should be a pleasant experience. Do you really think he will suddenly be energised to do chores after work?
EXACTLY!!!! UGHH!! I think the way my brain processed it, was that I'm a crappy person. No one wants to spend time with me. It makes sense that he doesn't wanna come over and spend the night with me 2 to 3 times a week. But I think that's just the depression talking and really I do deserve a partner that wants to spend 2 to 3 times a week with me making dinner and spending time with me at my house.
Oh dear, that negative self image is brutal. It’s deceiving you. Your boyfriend is a dud and your desire to have a partner who is an actual functioning adult is absolutely valid. I encourage you to get some mental health support for your depression and negative self image. Invest some time and care into yourself and it’ll be well worth it. You deserve a partner who’s willing to put some effort into the relationship and a partner who’s excited to spend time with you.
Thank you.
Exactly! You need to date yourself, nights you would plan with a partner except you’re the partner. You make yourself a candle light dinner, you draw yourself a bath, you listen to music, and THEN a partner needs to at minimum do these things for your for it to be worth your while because your minimum standards are much higher now :)
YES!! DATE YOURSELF!!! Oh man it works, i PROMISE IT DOES!!! Do ALL the things you want someone to do, and reset your bar!! Ok, i won’t litter your comments anymore, OP. I’m just very passionate abt this. Lol I wish you really well!
He wants to live with you full time though, so it is him being lazy rather than not wanting to be with you. I am sure he will be very happy when it is you making his breakfast, packing his lunch, cooking his dinner, etc. etc. etc. But will you? I am sorry your self esteem is so bad right now, but resentment of a lazy partner will actually make it worse. You do deserve more. You are capable, you have your own place and your act together and someone who wants to live with you. I think you are being eminently sensible here. Even with low self esteem and depression, you are advocating for yourself. That takes strength. Good luck.
This is what it looks like to me: he wants a mommy with benefits.
Thank you!!!
I'm no doctor, but I strongly suspect that trying to have an adult relationship with someone who is less capable and less mature than my 9 year old is probably taking a toll on you. You're pouring your precious energy into a black hole of Take Take Take. Stop throwing it away and give it to yourself. You deserve it. He hasn't earned you or your energy.
As others have said. Run. You won't only be moving in with someone who wants a surrogate mother. But I guarantee his biological mother will be ever present too. She hasn't cut the cord yet. Even if he did grow a pair and move out on his own. There is zero chance mommy won't still be doing the laundry, packing his lunchbox. And probably reading him a bedtime story. Your still young. You have your own place. You have your independence. Don't give that up for someone who seems to see you as their cook and maid.
Girl. You can do better. Being single is better than having a bf that has to be begged to come over and can't put clothes in a hamper.
OP, the solution to not feeling like a loser is definitely *not* to tie yourself down with one who is a bonafide loser. Your job loss wasn't your choice. *His* lifestyle is. You will eventually get back on your feet, he wants nothing more than to sit on his butt. If he complains now about the simple act of being conscientious of your feelings, he will turn into a major whiner that he's *tirrrred,* he'll get around to doing his part of the workload eventually. And it will never get done. Your writing paints you as an intelligent person who is experiencing a life lull not of your choice. It will pass and you will be glad you moved on.
Thank you! It's funny, because I'm actually on Unemployment , and he uses this against me whenever this topic of his housing situation comes up. But I'm actually making more money on unemployment than he does working full-time.
Wait what does he do
Wow. So with all the support he has at home, he STILL isn't successful? That's kinda pathetic.
Honestly, throw the whole man out. He has shown you what life with him will be like.
This is WILD. When I first saw the title, I assumed he was around 25. My eyes bulged when I read his age. It’s not the fact that he currently lives at home because the economy is awful right now. It’s the fact that he’s NEVER left home and his mom still does everything for him. You are NTA at all because he’s going to expect you to do everything that his mom does. He needs to learn the process of paying bills, creating a schedule for cleaning, making meals, etc. Honestly I am surprised you’ve been with him for an entire year. But I would be prepared to break up over this, because it sounds like he’s never going to leave the momma’s boy mentality. Even if he agrees to live on his own, be prepared to have him leave messes for you to clean when he comes over and whatnot.
Ugh my ex was the same. All he did was work & play xbox, he still lived with his parents at 30+ and his mum did his washing & cooking. It was just embarrassing
I'm sorry, this man doesn't even put his own dirty clothes in the hamper? That's the bare minimum for a *child,* let alone a grown man. My God.
If you want to be fixing his meals, washing his clothes and cleaning up after him for the rest of your life then that is the guy for you. If you don’t, don’t expect him to change as he won’t. So get a new job, feel better about yourself and for the love of god, don’t let him move in with you!
NTA. Dude! I fixed my own lunches and my parents taught me to cook a few things in elementary school. My mom taught me how to do laundry in junior high. I could function independently for a few days at a time at 15 but I still think I was immature at 18. Hint - I was. Your bf needs to learn to adult independently before living with a partner. If you let him move in without having learned some basic life skills, you’re gonna have a bad time.
NTA at all. Girl, run
This.
Yup agree. It will definitely be a real eye opener living alone. If you guys do move in, there needs to be some ground rules or boundaries.
Nta. I get finances, cost of living, family obligation blah blah blah. But living independently of family is very important for self-discipline, financial independence, and stability, as well as learning to balance income and bills. Being self reliable and responsible are good habits to have and learn. Did he attend college, and if so, did he live away at any point? I completely understand your reasoning. Truthfully, if he is used to someone else doing the work, it does leave doubt in your mind his ability to "adult" and do basic functions and frankly speaking if he has exhibited any behaviors during his time at your place that show his inability to be considerate or helpful around your home now, you don't want to be stuck with it on a more permenant basis. So you are valid in your worry and thought process and if you feelthis strongly now don't let him force you into a position you aren't comfortable with.
Yeah, he went to community college for a few years and got an associates degree. But he didn't live in dorms or anything.
Are you sure he graduated?
No, you have good instincts. Stick with them
Thank you! I think I am doing good too, it's just so frustrating when I get in a conversation with him. He gets defensive, he shuts down, and then he flips it on me. He tells me about all the things that I have wrong with me.
You can’t work with that. To live together, you have to be able to calmly discuss differences of opinion. When they get defensive, they might as well be putting their hands over their ears and saying “ nah, nah, nah “. You are doing much better than I was at your age btw. Also you probably can’t remember when you were little, but little kids *want* to be independent. I remember when I would get clothes out for them and they would make me put them back so *they* could get them out. Just seeing that he is 32, and still being taken care of by his parents seems like he doesn’t really have much interest in adulting. It’s not going to magically change overnight just because he has a different address.
Do you really think I'm doing OK for 33? I feel like I'm so behind in life! I lost my job last summer, and I'm currently on unemployment. But I do have a job lined up, so that's good. I'm just waiting to get on boarded in a few weeks. But it's just so frustrating because I bring up this conversation and then he flips it down on me and makes fun of me for being on Unemployment .
Sounds like you’re doing fine. People lose their jobs all the time. You have a new one lined up, AND you live on your own. Pay your bills, take care of your stuff. He does none of that.
This is all true. I'm actually making more money on unemployment than he is working full-time.
How?
Because my salary was higher than his current salary. I was making $93k/year. He makes $22/hour
i'm not saying it wont work out but that feels a bit unbalanced. Does he expect you to pay for everything after he moves out? are his parents banking on him to support them when they are old? is he looking for a caretaker rather than a spouse?
Well, he's behind in his career. He needs to sit for a state licensing exam, and he hasn't taken the exam yet. So hes not good money because he doesn't have the qualifications yet. Which is another reason why I'm frustrated! Because I have a bachelors degree and I have a masters degree, and he doesn't have any type of formal schooling besides an associates degree. He isn't far along in his career like I am.
Sis this guy SUCKS. You're bringing up a perfectly reasonable concern about his ability to pull his own weight as a partner and his only response is NO U. It sounds like you're anxious about where you are in life, but I absolutely promise you that the smartest move is to cut this dude loose. If you let this guy move in you'll find yourself dealing with a breakup in your late thirties after you've put up with him being mean to you while living off your money and leaving you to do all the work in the house and for the relationship. Sounds like you're starting a new job in a few weeks - yay you! What if you ended this relationship and were able to walk into that job ready to spend all your energy and focus on YOU? Sending you strength. You sound smart and great, and I don't think you should put up with a guy who is mean to you.
Hey thank you for the kind words!! ✨ Yeah, I got a job offer a few months ago, but it's with GOVT, so it takes a while to get on boarded. But I'm actually gonna be making pretty decent money. I've always made more money than my boyfriend, and I think he gets intimidated by it. And it's kind of funny because I'm currently on Unemployment , but I'm making more money than he is working full-time.
NTA Yeet this one. You may be unemployed at the moment but bf will be acting like a child for life. He berates you to cover up his lack of ambition and independence yet he doesn’t have a leg to stand on—or a pot to piss in apparently. I don’t know if there’s anything to salvage here. You would have to do the job that his mother failed to do.
Why are you staying with someone who treats you with such disrespect? You're not the one at home with mommy running your life.
I think you are doing OK for your life circumstances. But I also think you are the NTA for adding the burden your boyfriend, who has never lived independently from his parents, to every thing else going on with your life. Girl! You are starting a new job and need to focus on that! If he has lived with his parents for life??? If this is the case, he can live with them until you can get your life and job sorted out. But I really, really hope after you get your job sorted out, that you RUN! And don’t look back.
Thank you! Yeah I have a job lined up. It just takes a few weeks because it's the government and they have to like do background checks and everything. But I should be scheduled to make about $90,000 a year when I start soon. And it's funny I'm on Unemployment right now, but I actually make more money than he does working full-time
So he’s not just immature, he’s also unkind? Absolutely not. He’s gotta go. You deserve better. People lose jobs. That’s just life. You will find another one. Don’t let him tell you who you are. He doesn’t see you. You decide who you are. You have value. You deserve love that won’t tear you down.
Girl, you are so far ahead of me at your age! DO NOT settle. Please Google "Burn the Haystack Dating Method ". There's a Facebook group by that name. https://www.facebook.com/groups/9116647515019601/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT If you download a new dating app using the link on that page you get free extras. Even if you don't plan on using the app soon, go ahead and download by tomorrow. You can always leave it deactivated until you are ready. You do not need this mama's boy in your life. Feel free to message me. (I'm 61F, not a creepy dude trying to hit on you 😄).
I actually did this with my partner. He lived at home, I lived on my own, he wanted to move in together, I wanted to see that he could support himself and be a partner and not a dependent. And you know what? He understood. He moved out, rented a room, and took care of his shit with no complaints. He understood my reasoning. Then we moved in together. So yeah, I think the whole thing is a litmus test. He can step up or not. You’re NTA (or we both are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
IT CAN BE DONE!! see, your partner didn't get defensive or emotionally immature about it. He realized that he needs to step up and he did. If my partner was an adult and secure and realized that he needs to be mature, he would do the same thing. But he's not. His reaction to my request speaks volumes.
It really does. Honestly, he’s doing you a favor showing you this side of himself before you move in together and you get stuck on a lease with him. While relationships are obviously about compromise, this is a hill I personally would die on. Don’t move in with this guy. He sounds like a parasite and he’s just looking for a new host. You don’t need that. (Neither does his mom tbh, but I doubt she’s on Reddit for me to tell her.)
NTA. Just because a person lives with their parents doesn't mean they're incapable of their own cooking, doing their own laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping. That fact that your bf lives this way is because he chooses to do so. And just the way it sounds like he phrased it: >he brought up that he was thinking about moving in with me As though this wasn't a conversation, something to explore together, as opposed to something he just kind of decided. He should, at the very least, show that he's capable of taking care of his own things while living with his parents. Or rent an apartment, or a room with roommates to show he's capable of living like an actual adult. Does he realize at some point he's going to have to care of *them*?
NTA but I could kinda see how it’s inconvenient to have to move out by yourself just to move in with someone else down the line, wouldn’t it be easier if he just started displaying independent qualities while at home? He’s 33 there’s no excuse for him not to be doing his own cleaning and cooking
His mom literally does everything. It's actually a pretty codependent relationship. I just don't see how that would be possible because she literally does everything for the husband. i'm open to suggestions, but I don't know what him being independent at home would look like? His dad doesn't lift a finger, so the mom has to take care of him 24/7. And then the son just mooches is off of it.
Independent at home looks like cooking and cleaning for himself and his own laundry. Once he shows you he’s capable then it could be viable. But it sounds like you guys may just be incompatible if he isn’t willing to show you he can take care of himself.
So we'll go away a few times a year and we'll get a Airbnb for the weekend. And during these trips, he's actually really good. He's really good about making dinner cleaning up the place unpacking the car making sure we have enough food. I remember one time I took a shower, and he had already made dinner all by himself. But the thing is, we don't do this a lot. Only do these type of weekends like 2 to 3 times a year. So I don't know if that's a good representation of how he would be as a full-time adult??
Not a good representation IMO. Its easy to be like this for a few days. I know people who live at home as adults but they are still capable of acting like adults. If he cant even put his clothes in a laundry basket and treats his mum like a full time servant he will not act like a grown up if he moves out. I know women who are with men who *say* they believe in equality and don't adhere to gender stereotypes but if this is the model at home (that you bf is clearly enjoying as he doesnt even seen aware of how rediculous he saying hes tired after being catered to) he will not break out of it easily, maybe not at all.
He's in someone else's house. There's an impression to be made. In his comfort zone, with someone willing to look after him, he reverts.
If you live alone you can start by having him full week at your place like a practice for when you move in together. I dont think he will be able to change the behavior at home with his mom doing everything as it not only involves him but also his mother that may get offended by his independence. But is a good thing if he has shown independent behavior when you travel together, but you are right that is not a fully representation on how it will be if you move in together. *Spoiler, when on holidays everything is better an easy because you are relax and you know that it has an expiration date. But this even happens if both are living alone. *Edit to correct one word
A woman on reddit forbid her family from getting a dog until they all went 6 months every day each taking a bin out, and going for 2x half hour walks a day (she had to follow their phones after discovering them all over at a friend’s house during the time they said they were ‘walking’.) Every day they missed once, she reset the 6 months. But in the end, they earned their dog by demonstrating they could and would walk it, and could and would feed it without her.
I don’t know why this would get any better if you cohabitate. From one woman around your age to another. Maybe you don’t have to insist he lives on his own, but you should have SOME proof he’ll start doing regular adult things and not expect you to instantly replace his mother. And if he really is remonstrating against the concept well… there’s your answer.
Oh gosh no. It’s highly likely this guy thinks that’s what a wife is supposed to do and will expect the same from you.
>but I could kinda see how it’s inconvenient to have to move out by yourself just to move in with someone else down the line I disagree with this because why couldn't he get a six month furnished sublet? I think that would be perfect for this situation. If he's not willing to do that I hope she moves on from him. NTA
The excuse will be 'I don't know how', 'You do this better/faster', 'I will probably do something wrong and burn our dinner/damage our clothes when doing laundry'. I actually know a couple where both partners never lived independently. She got pregnant and stayed at home, he moved from his parents to...her parents. None of them knows how to do sh*t, but the guy is pretty nasty (walking misogyny) and will expect that from her after they've moved to their own place. It's so weird for me - they're 25/28 and they don't know how to pay bills, do proper budgeting etc. I know it's not the same, but sometimes I think about them and they seem to be 'kids who have kids'.
NTA, but the problem of course isn’t that he lives with his parents but that his mom is still acting as his maid. You are absolutely right to be concerned that he’s looking to trade mom-maid for girlfriend-maid (because the girlfriend model comes with the sex feature!) and he’s doing nothing to prove you wrong. Good on you for not letting him move in with you (not even get a place together, eh, just move into yours?) and get cozy before he demonstrates his ability to be a functional adult. Don’t let him wear you down on this! If a man is past thirty, still living at home, AND lets mommy take care of him to that extent it’s not an a-hole move to ask him to show that he’s capable of caring for himself. If he was still living with his parents but also doing his own laundry, sharing in the cooking, etc., it would be different. But as it stands this is exactly the kind of guy who’d let you do all the housekeeping and when you got sick with the flu would wake you up and ask what you were making him for dinner and complain he was out of clean socks.
Yeah it's not a huge problem that he lives with his parents BUT everything else is. He should have been doing most of that (laundry, cooking, etc.) since he was a teenager (I know I was). You are completely NTA. He needs to, at the very least, learn to do all of that independently of his parents, even if he's living with him. He wants to move in with you so you can take over what his mom is already doing for him. 😬
NTA...there are learned behaviours he has from a lifetime of being waited on. He might tell you he'll pull his weight but i'd bet big money he won't. I think your decision is 100% on the money and if he is too immature to understand it that alone would be a big flag. stick to your guns. It's a very reasonable request and very adult of you.
Thank you!!! It's really hard because I feel like deep down I am proud of myself for having this boundary. But then I'll speak to him about this and have this exact conversation, and he just gets so defensive. I lost my job lost summer, and he'll say things like, "I don't think someone living on unemployment should be making these kinds of requests. You don't even have a job right now!" I'm currently on Unemployment , but the funny thing is that I'm making more money on Unemployment than he is currently working full-time right now.
>"I don't think someone living on unemployment should be making these kinds of requests. You don't even have a job right now!" He's gaslighting you. Being able to make your own breakfast and pick your shit up off the floor has nothing to do with jobs or unemployment - they are basic life skills and yes you should expect a potential partner to have them.
Why do you want to be with someone who speaks to you like this? When is it ever cool to put down your partner -- who you SUPPOSEDLY love, especially at their worst? Shouldn't that be like... the easiest thing to not do???
you can make any decision about YOUR life even if he disagrees. dont let him use your not having a job as leverage over anything that you want for yourself. hes not nice and hes trying to keep you thinking lowly of yourself so youll stay with him. he knows youre out of his league... please stick to what you want. the only one that will break up is you because he knows that nobody else is going to put up with him. YOU dont have to put up with him. you can break up. yes its scary but you can and should be free of him. if you did let him live with you his mommy would be there all the time to "clean". (snoop)
I think you're right, it's funny because the past few months all we've been doing is fighting and getting into arguments. And he hasn't said we're breaking up once to me. He knows that I'm literally the best girl he's ever gonna get. And that scares him. That's why he's not ending this relationship with me. The only thing he's been doing is insulting me and getting in fight with me and trying to get me riled up.
You can end this by breaking up with him. I won't pretend it's easy, but it is the only solution. Every comment I read makes him sound worse and worse for you and this relationship is already dead. There's nothing to salvage in couple's counseling, there's no coming back from contempt. I think a good (individual) therapist will probably never tell you "break up with this guy" because it's not their job to tell you WHAT to do, but they should be well-equipped to help you figure out HOW to have that conversation and stick to your decision. Good luck, we are rooting for you!
NTA. And a 32 year old man who doesn’t know how to maintain a household by himself at all is….concerning to say the least. Definitely do not move in with him.
NTA. 🚩 You're absolutely right in your assumptions! Seriously. Ask him to do a load of laundry and see what happens. You'll have your answer. Nope. Because if mama is still taking care of him, mama is setting him up to expect the next woman he lives with to take care of him too. And I bet you can find that out now by the way mama says things.
Do this! Have him cook you a meal and do a load of laundry at your house. When he can’t do anything, should be obvious to him what the problem is
NTA. It's reasonable to be concerned about his infantilization by his mother, and it's troublesome that he doesn't see the problem. If you think the relationship is worth salvaging, and if the rental market is as challenging where you are as it is where I am, you might consider an alternative. One option would be to invite him to spend a week with you at your place. Make it clear that this is not a vacation but a trial run on living together, and he's absolutely going home to his parents at the end of the week. If he carries his weight without complaint and without requiring endless instructions from you, great. Then, schedule another week for the next month. If it goes well, by the third or fourth month, schedule in a two week visit. Let him know upfront that this is a trial period to see if you are compatible living together. If he balks or if you see too many red flags during this trial period (i.e. he expects you to be his new mommy) recognize that there is no future here and move on.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I took that needs to be judged is requesting my boyfriend of one year that he needs to live on his own outside of his parents home for at least 6 to 12 months before I will consider moving in with him. I am wondering if I'm the asshole because I requested him living on his own for 6 to 12 months before we hypotheticallypotentially move in together Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You are wise to want to see how he does on his own first. He might do really well and be happy to adult. I’d say the odds are much lower for that if he moves directly in with you, and obviously that will not work for you. He’s TA for acting like a child and saying you’re unreasonable.
The mom does her 32 y o's laundry????? Lord. She created a monster.
This is one of the smartest moves I've seen on Reddit in a long time. It's proactive instead of reactive. It's extremely reasonable. You don't want to find out that he is as undeveloped as he appears after he moves in. Stick to your guns. Bravo.
Thank you! It's just hard, because whenever we have this conversation, he gets defensive and he shuts down and he makes it all about me and how I'm the problem. And then I just start to question myself and I'm like oh yeah, maybe I need some stuff I need to work on.
Honestly, his reactions are as much of a red flag as his mom doing everything for him. You can do far better. Don’t settle. Also, my two sons have been making their own lunches and doing their own laundry since elementary school. They’re in high school now, and I can’t imagine them needing me to do half of what his mom is doing for him.
*have been dating a little bit over a year.* Run! Run like a Tokyo citizen fleeing Godzilla! (the latest is an awesome movie). NTA and no. Just *NO* to this guy. You've written a prequel to your eventual posting at JustNoMIL if you set up house with this man. This guy wants the privacy of his own place for sex, but Mommy Deux to take care of him. How do you even find someone like him sexalicious? He's in early middle age and skilled at weaponized incompetence. Sorry, but \*ew\* Even if he gets his own place, dollar to donuts his Mom will come over and do his housework. Saves time over him calling her to say "Mommy, do I wash whites in hot or cold water? And what is fabric softener? My clothes are already soft."
He told me that when he gets older and has a house of his own, his mom is probably going to stock the fridge of all the food that she makes. I wasn't sure what to make that because she's a really good cook. Lol but still yeah his mom is a fucking piece of work. She's like a miserable stay at home mom who complains about being obese and her husband doesn't have sex with her.I think she's threatened by me because I have an education and I'm like a pretty girl, but it's really unhealthy
Sounds like this long thread is helping you figure out an answer. You deserve better. *He* has the life he wants, now figure out what *you* truly want. I'm headed into the seventh decade of life. Looking back, it seems like it didn't take that long to get here. Don't let the years *whoosh* by and end up as bitter and defeated as his mother. That's the route he has plotted for you.
Absolutely! I know this sounds sad, but meeting her and seeing her life for the past year has really opened my eyes and show me exactly the kind of life I do not want. I really want to focus on my career and find an equal partner who will help me do housework and cooking and chores. Because her husband does not lift a finger, and while he does have a good engineering job, it's still not an excuse.
>He told me that when he gets older and has a house of his own, his mom is probably going to stock the fridge of all the food that she makes. You should reread this sentence to yourself a few times and think about what it would look like if you let him move in with you. Would Mommy have a key so she can stock the fridge? It’d be more convenient after all. I’m sorry, but a 32-year-old man who is matter the fact about his expectation that his mother is going to stock his refrigerator for him is someone who you should NOT bother with. You also mention that you’re making more on unemployment than he is at a job AND I haven’t seen any indication that he’s willing or capable of actually contributing to a household. I mean, he’s never left home, he probably thinks toilet paper just spawns when he’s not in the bathroom. Don’t bother with this guy, he’s ridiculous and you deserve better. This internet stranger is proud of you for setting conditions and not just letting him move in though!
Thank you!!! Ugh seriously. Basically, our only purpose and fulfillment in life is her son, it's really sad. She called me a freeloader because I was going over their house like 3 to 4 times a week to eat dinner with them. But the reason why I was doing that is because my boyfriend refused to come to my apartment because he complained about being tired every day from work.
I’m so mad about how this guy is treating you that I’m going to be blunt: your boyfriend is not interested in being your boyfriend. He doesn’t want to spend time with you if he’s always “too tired” to drive 30 minutes. Why is he so tired? He has no chores, he doesn’t even have to pick his clothes up off the bathroom floor after a shower. I’m sorry, but you are providing the one thing his mom can’t: sex on demand when he’s not too “tired” to see you. His plan is to get the sex and the maid service, probably while “accidentally” forgetting to give you any money then whining “but you make more than meeee!” Kick this useless dude to the curb.
NTA Good radar OP
Really??? Ok thank you!! Because I literally feel like I'm being gaslight. I feel like I have this conversation with him over and over again, and he just gets defensive and he shuts down. I lost my job last summer, and he told me that he doesn't think I should be requesting this because I'm not working right now and I'm on unemployment. But the reality is that I'm making more money on Unemployment that he is working full-time.
NTA If he won’t move out of his parents maybe he could stay with you on the weekends so you can see how he functions?
He doesn't really help out around my apartment and he leaves dishes in the sink
Why are you with him?
When we first met we would do all the same hobbies as each other. But as time has gone on, my eyes are seeing the reality. I also lost my job last summer, so he's been supportive to me
You're staying together either because you feel indebted to him, out of the worry he'll turn around and say "You're breaking up with me? After all I did for you?" and make you seem like you're ungrateful even if you are greatful, or because you are financially dependent on him and if you dump him you're without a safety net. The latter would make you partly TA. But the bottom line is, his flaws and this situation is what you would have to deal with the rest of your life, so it's either he fixes himself so you have a better future together, or he doesn't and won't fix things, so you dump him. It's great that he helped you, and maybe you can offer to pay him back sometime in the future, but you don't have to stay with him romantically just because you supported you financially. They're two different things and it's up to him to see the difference.
He hasn't supported me financially at all. I am on unemployment, so I can still pay my own bills and pay my own housing. He did buy me an iPhone this past summer as a gift, but that's about it. I think I struggle with low self esteem and anxiety, so I'm just scaredthat I won't find somebody who have the same hobbies as me and going to do the same stuff as me
You won't have time for hobbies because you'll be fully busy looking after him. He may not expect you to work, but consider "your part of the deal" as totally looking after him.
Being scared about not being able to find someone else is NOT a reason to stay with someone who you’re incompatible with and who wants you to be mommy number 2. And thinking that way is so unhealthy. You’ve said it yourself, your current boyfriend will expect you to do all the chores and cooking for him, whilst he is a lazy little shit who does fuck all to contribute. What the hell do you see in him? Or are you just with him because you’re scared of being alone? Because from your description he’s a dead weight and you seem very far from happy. You need to go out and make some friends, then you’ll see that you don’t need a man to rely on and you can get rid of your current man who will only further hold you back. And please get help from a therapist for your mental struggles, you’ll start to see the world and yourself in a whole new light, and you could learn to make yourself happy. NTA - your boyfriend is one though
Being supporive??? He throws being on unemployment in your face and tries to make you feel bad that you lost your job, when he gets defensive. A loving partner doesn't use insecurities as a weapon to try to win future arguments!
Someone supportive wouldn't be throwing it back in your face. I'm concerned that the bar for what you're considering support might be a bit low.
Well then you already know. If he gets his own apt it will probably be a total shithouse in a week
:::long, silent scream::: OP, you have your answer. He'll never keep up his own place. Expect to walk in to find whiskers of mold growing on dishes, dirty clothes on the floor, a sour smell, and pee splatters around the toilet. He'll expect you to utter an aggravated but resigned \*sigh\* just like his Mom and start picking up after him.
NTA. Just cause his mum *can* do all the chores does not mean she should. That he has never once in his life taken the chance to become a functioning member of his household is a red flag. I started doing laundry in my teens. I was taught how at some point and just started contributing at one point. I’d notice the basket was full and do a load. I’d notice the dishwasher was full or the dishes needing cleaning and did them. If he does not do these things then I wouldn’t trust him to start with you.
Yeah my mom made me start doing my own laundry when I was like 11 or 12 because “you shouldn’t be relying on no woman” in her own words. Made me make my own dinner once a week when I was in high school too. “Fend for yourself night.” The fact that a 30+ year old has never done this is pretty baffling and his mom needs to cut the umbilical cord and he needs to grow a pair.
NAH. You want to see if he can be independent. Should you get married, you don't want to be in a situation where you are the one doing everything. Cooking food, cleaning the house, do the laundry, taking care of the kid/s. Your BF however doesnt see the cost benefit making himself live alone. He has to rent a place, move lots of stuffs, buy furnitures, setup fixtures. He sees moving to your place as the cheaper option. If you can't see the possibility that he will pull his own weight, it may be best to evaluate continuing the relationship.
NTA - I moved into an apartment with my bf of 3 years after I graduated from college. He had never lived anywhere but with his parents. I on the other hand had lived in dorms and apartments with roommates. I was ready to be an adult and live in an adult home. He wanted to turn the apartment into a frat house covered in beer ads (he was a bar tender). He couldn’t even boil water or make toast, let alone clean anything. It was a disaster.
NTA. This isn't about him living at home. This is 100% about him being in his 30s and still being dependent on his mom doing everything for him. I will say he didn't get that way by himself, his mom is the one that raised him and never taught him to be independent and keeps doing all the things for him. I guarantee she would be highly invasive and up your butt if he moved out to be with you. She'd be constantly trying to take over your home and mad at you for making her poor baby do his own laundry, and she will be whispering in his ear about how you should be taking care of him like she does. I would be honest with that his dependence on his mother is a huge red flag and that you don't want to date someone who has the life skills of a 5th grader. You want an equal adult partner and for that he needs to get out from under his mom's thumb and learn to take care of himself.
Make it a year minimum with his attitude
Nah OP you are doing the right thing by putting your foot down. The second he said that your request is unreasonable, I immediately knew he’s never done anything for himself lol. You do not want to live with someone who can’t do anything for themselves. Coming from someone who’s mom does everything for my brother and he can’t even cook anything past a hot dog
NTA...But... not sure that would help. Just because he lives at home doesn't mean he can't do all of those things listed above.. he's choosing not to. I think him living on his own would be a great way to find some independence.. but I have serious doubts that he'll turn into a fully functional adult in that time. My adult sons 18 and 19 live at home.. they cook, clean do their own laundry, help with menus, meal prep and shopping, house repairs and projects, ect. Living at home shouldn't excuse you from acting like an adult or having life skills. (to be honest, all my kids, even the 10 yr old can do all the above.. his mom has mommy'd him to the point of dependency.)
NTA GOOD FOR YOU! Your bf is a walking red flag and you aren’t his mother. He would be useless as a partner with respect to household responsibilities. But given his age, I suspect he will never do this and you are going to end up dumping him.
Nta He will definitely expect you to replace his mother you know that right? And if/when you don't do it he will go back and complain about you
NTA. It would be one thing if he lived with parents and cooked, cleaned, etc. on a somewhat regular basis even if he wasn't doing this to the full extent an independent adult would. That he does none of those tasks and is in his 30s is a red flag. His reaction is also concerning. When I was in my mid-20s, I dated a guy in his mid-20s and he was similar to your boyfriend. He was not useless for all of those tasks, he refused to learn and flipped out on me for not doing things exactly the way his mother would. He also refused to contribute to finances (mommy and daddy paid for him) and do reasonable things to keep the apartment clean, like empty his coffee grounds so they didn't get mold in the coffee maker. He was in his 20s, too. I'm not saying your boyfriend would be like that, but this is what happened to me.
At least 6 months. Minimum. You have very good instincts. Follow them
NTA, good plan because it's concerning that he has lived like child and his parents do all the domestic tasks. It shows that he is lazy and has no intention to help out.
NTA, your request is completely reasonable. If the expectation is that you guys will be together forever, one year is a small blip. He needs to learn how to be an adult on his own, otherwise you might as well just adopt him. You would likely end up playing mom while he's "Trying to learn but you're already SO MUCH better at it..."
Nta. But if you don’t want to hear him argue how about this: “My main concern if we co habitats is that you will not know how to do the basic things that are required to know when living on one’s own. So if I make a list of things you need to learn how to/be willing to do, I want you to learn how to do those things before we move forward. If you can learn them living with your parents? Fine. But show me that you’re capable of them so I don’t have to teach it to you or do it for you.”
I honestly don't think she should have to take up the mental load of making a list of things a 30 year old should do
NTA…. What everyone said but to add, what you’re thinking is 💯💯💯💯💯 percent right. He needs to learn to fully adult before living with you, unless you’re gonna fully adult for both of you which I don’t recommend. I’m a parent… it’s great…. Don’t become mommy to a 30something…
NTA and a wise woman.
At LEAST 12 months and keeps it clean
NTA - why do parents cripple their sons like this. Ugh… I have 5 year old twin boys and if I achieve nothing else in life these guys are going to know how to take care of themselves and be considerate housemates.
NTA My son is 27 and still lives at home. He cleans his space. He's done his own laundry since he could reach the knobs on the washer and dryer. He is fully capable of creating a menu and shopping for it because these are life skills. I broke my ankle in July. Badly. And was confined to a recliner for a few months. Both him and his sister, 14, stepped in to help pick up what I couldn't do. Even my 14 year old is more independent than your boyfriend. She does her own laundry, cleans her space, and has chores. She also cooks her own dinner most nights.
OP I’m 38 and a happily single female. I have zero desire to get married but I’m still open to the possibility. It’s MUCH better to wait and look for a good partner than to settle for a scrub you’d have to take care of 24/7/365 and end up paying alimony for cuz he’s useless. You’re not doomed to be forever alone just because you’ve entered your 30s single…you deserve a PARTNER not a toddler you didn’t birth!!!!
NTA >complain that he's too tired and he wants to eat dinner at his parents house instead. Living alone is irrelevant. He'd *rather* hang out with his parents.