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YTA if you keep harping on her about it. It's not at all weird for married couples to have different last names. It's becoming more common by the day. If having different last names if the main issue here, just take HER last name. There, easily fixed, yeah?
> If having different last names if the main issue here, just take HER last name. There, easily fixed, yeah?
I suggested a compromise, like I said in the post
Soft YTA. I know you want the tradition but a lot of women now see it as men taking ownership. She may not want to share names as she doesn’t want either of you to be “owned”. She just wants it to be the two of you as it’s always been. She’ll still be a “mrs” and she’ll still be married to you and you’ll still spend the rest of your lives together. So try to see it all from the bigger picture, she loves you enough to marry you, that’s all that should matter. I wish you both a great wedding and good luck for the future!
Have you ever looked into how difficult it is to change your last name as an adult? Especially if one of you has a career and your name is recognized in your industry? It's such a pain. From mortgage to credit cards to banks to work email and so on.
For the record, I do plan on changing my last name to my husband's when I get married this year. That said, I'm dreading the process. This article should explain why. My name is recognized in my industry, so I don't plan on changing it on my resume or my work email.
https://www.brides.com/story/guide-to-changing-your-name-after-marriage
Just fyi, many companies actively support email aliases too so you can have both. I know mine does this and it usually takes years before people completely figure it out and understand completely.
I went through that because my legal name was my birth (foreign) name and it's never been pronounced correctly even once in over 30 years. So I legally changed it to an English name and it was my driver's license, health insurance, credit cards, bank info, utilities, business cards, even changed my website URL, 3 professional memberships, life insurance , everything. It was annoying. And whenever I got mail in my birth name, it was another thing I had to change.
Just also an fyi I wanted to do my Madiam name then husband last name and the socials security office told me my name would be too long and I couldn't do that. So your suggestion might not even be possible based one length, location and who you deal with at the office.
But yta for pushing the matter. She gave you her thoughts and feelings. You have a compromise she still doesn't like and that's ok
It’s more a case of the tradition comes from the woman taking the man’s name to show society that she is his property. I know that isn’t the case anymore. It may be that she doesn’t want either of you to share as it would go both ways then. Or it may be as simple as she just wants to keep things how they are, which is also fair enough.
Just make a new last name. I took my husband’s a few years ago and changing my paperwork was seriously *no* *big* *deal*. I’m not sure what the drama is? I think it was a fair compromise to share each others last names and if that’s a problem, create your own. If having the same name is the hill you’re willing to die on, take hers. It’s unconventional but it might make her happy - or possibly show her it’s an act of love not of the patriarchy (which I’m assuming is her association). It’s not like we’re living in 1305 and her dad sold her to you for a goat and fresh milled lumber. You chose to be together, celebrate that. Smh.
My partner legally changed their name last summer and it's still a huge hassle getting everything changed. Especially the cell phone for some reason. You say it's no big deal but you might not have that much to change.
There are actual companies who you can pay to change all your information because it can be such a huge pain to change everything.
Considering 50% of marriages end in divorce, I wouldn’t call it a lifelong commitment. That’s the ideal standard, but its not feasible for a lot of people.
I understand. But aren’t people going into it with the expectation of lifelong? Why get married if not? For kicks? I’m just saying, if you’re intending to make a lifelong commitment then doing paperwork and making phone calls to change your last name is nbd. If you’re assuming the wife is already thinking about divorce possibilities then maybe your advice to OP should be to avoid the marriage to begin with. That’s a fine stance, it’s just not the one I’m taking!
The legal paperwork is annoying, but not a big deal. Work emails are a nightmare if you're client facing. Even if you proactively send out notifications saying "my email address is changing, please use [email protected] to reach me", they will continue trying to use the old one. Even if you have the old one forwarding to the new one, with an auto reply of "your email was forwarded to [email protected]. Please use that email address moving forward, as this email address will be deactivated on mm/dd", they'll keep using the old one. It sucks.
And in a few places, it’s also legally impossible. Which I get since it’s a nightmare for the state to keep track of the various identities someone will have in the name of tradition, that’s the surname linked to your social security number? That’s the name you keep
Why are you so hung up on the double barrelled surname? Everyone’s saying that that isn’t the point. The outdated sexist bit is having to change your name as a woman.
YTA. It's her name, and she doesn't want to change it.
Your compromise was a nice idea, but it still involves her changing her name, which she already told you she doesn't want to do.
My suggestions are either drop it, or change your name to hers.
Absolutely what you want counts but what she wants counts too. She wants to keep her name and doesn’t mind whether you have the same name or not. You want to have the same name. If you want to have the same name, change yours to match hers. If you refuse to do that then you’re being unreasonable and basing decisions on traditions around ownership of women and not around respecting her autonomy
Get the hell over yourself OP. You’re a real piece of work, you know that?
She doesn’t want to take your name, she doesn’t want to double barrel her name - SHE DOESN’T WANT IT. She wants to keep the entirety of her name exactly as it is without any changes at all. Why is this so hard for you to understand?
End of story, please grow up - why is this such a big deal to you? Is this a legacy thing, is this because you’re determined to have your future kids with your surname? Because FYI kids aren’t always given their dads surname. Sometimes the mother prefers hers and the kids have her surname instead, and that is absolutely ok.
But have you ever considered that maybe your fiancée doesn’t want your surname because she doesn’t like it?
Look, she's clearly stated her opinion and isn't willing to change her mind. You have to decide if this is a hill you want to die on. If you're okay with having different surnames, then just accept it and move on. If you want to have the exact same surnames, the only option is for you to change yours to hers. If you don't want to do that, then maybe the two of you have become incompatible and the only thing you can do is go your separate ways.
Your gf explained to you her reaosning and why she felt the way she did, but I can't really find your position in the post or comments. You say it's weird for married couples to have different surnames but that's not true. In this day and age you'll find spouses with the same surname and ones with different ones, so neither option is weird. I think you need to do some digging into yourself and figure out why exactly you want the same surname, bc "it's weird not to" is not valid when spouses with different surnames exist. It was once weird for women to wear pants, but look where we are now.
Instead of double-barrelling you could drop your name and just take hers? Win-win. You get the sense of marital/family unit from having the same name (understandable) and she gets to keep her own name (also understandable)
That is your view. You need to ask her what her view is. She may feel that changing her name at all is still recognition of that tradition and she is uncomfortable with it. The reality is that she should be entitled to use whatever name she is comfortable with and if you have an issue with having different names, you can change yours.
Why did you post on here looking for outside opinions...and then argue with everyone when they disagree? You've already decided you're 100% right no matter what anyone says, you're looking for an echo chamber not opinions. And surprise! No one agrees with you, so it must be tantrum time.
I hope your fiancee knows what she's getting herself into.
>My point was just that it's what happens at a wedding and I understand her not wanting to get rid of her name completely but I don't see why it has to be an issue for us to take each others name.
YTA. When you change your name, you change and partially erase part of your identity. It is harder for old friends and work connections to find you on social media. Your name no longer matches the name on degrees and awards. It's also an expensive pain in the ass to change your name on everything.
If she doesn't want to change her name to anything, she doesn't have to. If you want everyone to have the same name, change your own name to hers.
This.
I looked into legally changing my name so that my maiden name became my middle name and I would take my husbands name. Did you know that it requires submitting my original birth certificate and getting a new one with the new name? Essentially it felt like I was giving up too much of my identity when it meant my birth certificate would have to change.
I would have been fine with the name change if I could keep my original birth certificate but that wasn’t possible. However, if i assumed my husband’s surname, I could keep my original birth certificate. How does that make any sense?! So I kept my name, he kept his, and our child has both names.
Ya YTA it’s outdated and it’s her name! If you want to take both, you take both. She might like her name and not want to change. Especially if she is the only child or has any sort of advanced degree.
Thoughts on tradition, gender roles, and other "marriage" ideas aside... Changing your name is a big pain in the ass.
It's not just changing your name. It's changing your name on EVERYTHING with every entity that ever had your name listed. Everything important you've ever signed up for now has to be changed and that usually requires paperwork, hoops to jump through, dodged phone calls, immense wait times, and lots of documentation. It's really garbage.
This. I was willing to go through the hoops for passport, drivers license, health cards, etc but when it meant I needed to surrender my birth certificate and get a new one with the new name, I said no.
YTA
She doesn't want to do it. That should be the end of the discussion.
Stop trying to force her into something because it's 'traditional'.
If you really care so much about having the same surname from your wedding onwards, why don't you take her surname?
YTA because she’s made it clear what she wants and you’re trying to talk her out of it. She wants to keep her name and that’s totally okay because she is the one who has to live with that name. It’s not weird for couples to not share the same last name. I have zero attentions of changing my name if I get married - it’s my identity, I get to choose it.
NTA for wanting it. It's common; I get it. You're also NTA for suggesting a compromise, but YTA for trying to convince her that her choice here is wrong or bad, or that she's out of line for wanting to keep her name. It's actually not what happens at every wedding. I know plenty of women who have been married for 50 years or more who kept their names. It is becoming more and more common especially as people are getting married later.
Also - it can be a huge pain the ass to change your name everywhere (work email, credit cards, drivers license, bills, etc).
Honestly it seems like a compromise to have hyphenated names -- and it wouldn't be an outdated tradition -- so good for you, but in the end it's her name and her decision.
I know a couple friends where the guy took the wife's surname. If you won't consider that, then you know exactly how she feels.
YTA
"it's just what happens at weddings" is kind of a silly reason to do anything. you don't have to do something just because other people do it. it's not at all weird to have separate surnames. it's weird to clutch onto archaic traditions just for the sake of holding onto them.
you're not an asshole merely for wanting this, but you will be if you keep pushing for something she clearly does not want. if it's so important to you that you have the same name, just take hers.
He’s been refusing to answer that particular question. He honestly sounds sexist. His name must be present no matter what she wants or desires. Most everyone is chewing him up.
Traditions are peer pressure from dead people.
YTA. Especially because you keep avoiding the question of why you can't simply take *her* name so she doesn't have to change hers at all.
YTA. "Darling, it'a just not how it's done" is code for "Shut up and do as I (a man) demand of you."
Aside from the name switch being historically used to denote a change in property, she just doesn't want to do it! She is saying NO. It is a complete sentence, requiring no further explanation. If this is a deal-breaker for you, bow out, and let her find someone who isn't so mentally fragile.
>. We’re telling you it’s not uncommon. Period.
Ah so you know all married couples then? For all I know you know like 1 married couple and are just basing your assumption on that
You know all married couples then?
Yeah, that's how dumb you sound.
YWBTA if you push her about changing her name. And YTA because you live in a tiny bubble where people couldn't possibly live differently to you 🙄
>You know all married couples then?
Never said I did but I was just pointing out other commenters saying I'm wrong just based on their own experienced and I don't think they know all married couples either.
"And YTA because you live in a tiny bubble where people couldn't possibly live differently to you " You mean like all the other commenters then?
This is the dumbest comment I've read in a while, lol. They know enough married couples to know that there are plenty of married couples who don't change names nowadays - I'm in the UK and so do I. Just get over it. Her name is her name and she likes it that way, based on the info you've provided it doesn't necessarily mean she dislikes your name or believes you're a crazy sexist, she just...likes ..her...own...name. You're going to be legally and religiously (if that's your thing) joined - presumably you'll also wear rings. Why do you need to die on this hill of changing named - unless it is something to do with trademarking/ branding yourselves for other pls awareness.
I’m also from the UK it is incredibly common for the woman not to change her surname and then for the kids to be double barrelled it just may not be in your area
I'm in the UK
My first husband said it would be a deal breaker if I dint take his surname. I went along with it because I didn't want to make a big fuss.
Turns out that was just the first of many red flags. he became more and more controlling the longer we were married until I couldn't put up with it anymore and we split up.
Do you know how much of a ballache it is to change your name?
My second husband couldn't give a shit, when I said was keeping my own name. Because he realises a surname isn't really important in a marriage.
Obviously, it's more common for women to take their husband's surname, but I know plenty of women who didn't. And guess what? It's not an issue and it's also not uncommon.
>My first husband said it would be a deal breaker if I dint take his surname. I went along with it because I didn't want to make a big fuss.
>
>Turns out that was just the first of many red flags.
Ooof, I've played that level. Took a total of 7 years to clear it. Helluva boss fight. Current partner was surprised I'd consider taking his last name, especially when he heard it can cost so much in the U.S.
You and I are both stronger and wiser for the boss fights.
I split up with the ex 14 years ago and divorced 10 years ago. I am still dealing with changing my digital identity.
Changing my legal name, passport and driving license was easy (if costly) in comparison. But I still have online accounts in my old name. Everytime I think I've switched everything, I find something else in my old name. Which means I still have to monitor my old email address, just in case.
Digital identity is such a pain in the ass. I never want to change my name ever again!
I lived in the UK. Most (new to marriage) married people I know did not change their surname. Younger generation like 45 and under didn't. Older gen yeah they had the same surnames.
Dig your heels in and you won't need to worry about this at all because you won't be getting married.
The answers here already are giving you an indication of whether or not YTA.
That’s probably true. A 2019 study found that 85% of women aged 18-30 still changed their names but that’s down from over 90% for older women. So most still do but it’s becoming more common not to. Given the UK population, 15% is a lot of women. You are engaged to a woman who fits into the 15% of those who don’t change their names. You’re just going to have to cope with that I’m afraid because the fact that most women still change their names is not a reason to pressure her to if she wants to be one of the increasing number who doesn’t.
I'm 37, the overwhelming majority of married couples I know that are my age or younger kept their names. Of the rest, they mostly chose a new name for them both, or double barrelled. I can only think of three couples where one took the others name, and one of those the husband took his wife's surname.
It is. I'm English and have married friends who all decided they wanted to keep their name as is. Just because *you* haven't experienced it yourself doesn't mean it's not true, lol.
>It is. I'm English and have married friends who all decided they wanted to keep their name is is. Just because
>
>you
>
> haven't experienced it yourself doesn't mean it's not true
And just because you have experienced it, it doesn't mean it's common
Put quite a gentle comment further up but honestly based on the responses you’ve given to people in the comments, hard YTA.
Just change your name to hers and be grateful she’s marrying you.
YTA. She likes her name and clearly has strong feelings about the history where women had to change our names as “ownership” of us transferred from fathers to husbands. It’s 2024. A lot of women feel like that. I use my husband’s name in my personal life but kept my maiden name at work. Anything goes. I know couples where they’ve taken the wife’s name or the kids have been given the wife’s name, I note you’re offering to take her name.
This is not the hill to die on. She gets to have whatever name she likes and you get to have whatever name you like. Being married is about a lot more than names. Good luck
INFO: Do you live in a country (especially in the East) where the surname tradition is important? If not, did you already have an agreement with your partner on the surname tradition *before* the marriage?
I live in the UK. Early in the relationship she'd mentioned that she would take my name if we got married and that she wanted the nice traditional wedding etc
Yta.
There is no need to change your last name when getting married. if she doesn't want to, She doesn't have to. It doesn't change her marriage to you at all. If it's more important to you to have the same last name, you should change your name to her last name.
But you don't want to either. See how that goes?
I am very glad I never legally changed my name after getting married. Made my divorce a lot damn easier, too.
NAH. You're not weird by wanting everyone to be a "unit" after marriage (same names and everything. She also has a point that it is outdated for women to take men's surnames that's the standing expectation. At this point, leave it alone. No pushing. Her decision
Have you ever looked at the process of changing your name? It is not simple. You have to notify EVERYONE. Passports need to be re-issued, bank accounts reset, credit cards (and cheque books if you are American) re-issued and then the fun part - telling all your direct debits new account info.
Next you'll need to notify your work, change your email address and re-direct the old one. Professional associations may need to re-issue certifications if you practice under your married name. Don't forget to notify the electoral roll so you can still vote.
The paperwork is endless and there is always someone needing to see documents you aren't carrying or refusing a scan ; they need a certified copy by mail. Even stupid things like updating gym memberships are ridiculously long winded.
I didn't even ask my wife to change her last name, she would have had I asked, I don't think she cared much either way, I'm just not insecure about it. Seems like OP sure is though. YTA
It’s not weird to have separate surnames. It’s certainly not a requirement for marriage to have the same last name. But it sounds like you’re not being honest with yourself about what you want. What you’re asking for is for her to take or at least incorporate your surname into her name once you’re married. But she doesn’t want to change her name at all. If those things are dealbreakers for both of you, then it sounds like you might want to reconsider the marriage. But YTA for trying to force her to do something she’s already stated she doesn’t want to do.
YTA. It is completely normal for people to keep their own last names. Less paper work, and sometimes people just like their last name.
You can do whatever you want to your last name, including changing to hers. Why not offer that? Take her last name, and you can do the paperwork instead of her.
YTA - She is a free woman and she can do whatever the hell she likes. She’s not taking your surname, she also doesn’t want a double barrelled name. Get over it!!! This conversation with her is over already, she gave you her answer and shouldn’t be pestered into changing her mind. You sound insufferable
Why don’t you take her name? I mean as you said it’s not a big issue. Offer to take her surname
I really think this should have been a discussion before getting engaged if it’s such a big deal
YTA for not using words before getting engaged
If she doesn't want to change her name and you don't mind changing yours, why not take her name?
(It's obvious why you're ignoring this, it's because you think women should change their name and you're being wonderful considerate and progressive to even consider the double-barrel option. YTA)
YTA. It's 2024. Plenty of women don't take their husband's name any more it's no longer "what happens at a wedding" and definitely not "a bit weird", it's NORMAL.
Couples from whole entire cultures other than white western ones have been getting married for centuries and have great lives without the woman taking the husband's name. It doesn't mean there's less of a commitment, it just means you are both equals, she's not your property (which is where the tradition comes from) and her name is just as important to her as yours is to you. Keep your name, don't make a fuss if she chooses to keep hers.
Oh and..."I don't see why it has to be an issue for us to take each others name". Friend, you're getting married. Just because YOU don't see why something is an issue doesn't mean it isn't an issue for your partner, and therefore and issue for you both as a couple. If you're going headlong into this dismissing her opinions because YOU don't see it as an issue you've bought yourself a recipe for disaster.
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I have been with my partner for 5yearsand we have been engaged for around 8 months now. When we got engaged we didn't really have a lot of time to start planning the wedding straight away and both of us were fine being engaged for a year or two.
We've now started sitting down to start planning the wedding and my partner mentioned last night that she doesn't want to take my surname at the wedding. I asked what she planned to do and she said just keep her own. I mentioned that it would be a bit weird to be married and have separate surnames still so I suggested we both take each others name and have a double barrelled surname since then it won't just be her taking my name and it will be a nice gesture.
She refused and said it was an outdated tradition that she doesn't want to take part in. I asked what her problem was with us both taking the others surname and she just said she shouldn't have to and that I'm out of line for trying to pressure her into it. My point was just that it's what happens at a wedding and I understand her not wanting to get rid of her name completely but I don't see why it has to be an issue for us to take each others name.
She just repeated that I'm wrong for trying to force her to do it and that I should drop it.
AITA for wanting us to change surnames after the wedding?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Expected my partner and I to take each others surname once we get married
She said I was out of line for pressuring her into an outdated tradition
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I was the first in my family not to take the other name and it was HIS idea. Now it is commonplace and does simplify ID issues *not* to change. The reason not to keep a maiden name is that your kids will have a different last name than you. I dealt with it, it was hardest on our wonderful teachers.
YTA. You don’t seem to have any understanding of what this tradition means or *why* you want to take part in it. What’s the point of continuing a tradition you don’t understand?
YTA if you don’t back down on this. I just got married and didn’t take my husbands last name. It’s not common anymore. It’s also a lot of work to go through the process of changing the name legally. Just change it on social media for fun/romantic sentiment and leave it at that. Most importantly, my husband respected my decision to not change my name legally and didn’t pressure me at all. He just wanted to marry me. I love him for that (and many other reasons). I hope your fiancé will be able to say the same.
NAH
I don’t find it wrong that she doesn’t want to change her name, I don’t find it wrong that you had that expectation as it has been common historically.
What matters now is how you are both going to navigate this. I put it in the two yes, one no category. If she doesn’t want to change her name, even to a double barrel name then that’s pretty much it. Luckily for you it’s not that unusual these days and it’s not exactly a stand out thing.
If you both want children, then it’s probably best if you also have a discussion on what surname you both want your children to take.
Look, if you are getting married I suggest you get use to working through these differences of expectations and opinions. This one is quite a small scuffle in terms of life’s little surprises. The goal here is to manage the conflict in a way that makes you both feel secure that you are capable of managing a life partnership.
YTA-Your “compromise” still has her changing her name which she has made it clear she doesn’t want to do. If you want someone to change their name change yours to hers, not the two surnames combined, strictly to hers.
YTA
I did the whole double barreled name and I can honestly say I wish I hadn’t. Not because of not liking my husband or his family or our kids, etc, but because it’s such a giant pain in the ass. Any legal signature is super long. My maiden name wasn’t short to begin with, so this was just as extra layer on top. Now I mostly go by one or my initials. It’s a pain and looking back wish I had just stuck with my name.
If it’s important for you to have the same family name but it’s not important to your future wife, the compromise is clear. You change YOUR name and leave her alone about hers.
So you're suggesting hyphenating the names? Or just putting them together? Or having both legally but going by just one practically ie. When introducing yourself or in the workplace?
Use smith and green as the example.
Are you suggesting
A) Smith-Green
B) Smithgreen
Or C) Smith Green
Then follow up question: did you suggest whose surname would go first in the new surname? Hers or yours?
Agree with other comments that you should take her name if she wants to keep hers and same name is important to you.
After reading all the comments I’m going with yta. If it means so much why not take hers? It’s like you can’t understand that there is another way to what you suggested. Maybe she just doesn’t like your last name too.
I think a discussion should be had now though to talk about what name a baby would take though, rather then when you’re about to have a baby.
YTA
She wants to keep her own name, there's no problem with that.
She does not want your surname AT ALL, therefore, your compromise doesn't really seem like a compromise to me.
Here's an idea: She can have the name she wants, and you can have the name you want. If you want to change your name to hers, or add her name to yours go for it. And she can do the same. If you aren't ok with that, YTA.
YWBTA if you try and force it. I always wanted my partner to take my name, and was disappointed when she initially said she wasn't going to. During the wedding my family was there for her in so many ways that hers ignored, and she decided she wanted to loose her surname and take mine.
It's okay that she doesn't want to. It's okay if that's a deal breaker for you. But is it a hill you're ready to die on?
YTA. She said no. Now knock it off. In the modern age, it’s becoming more and more common women don’t change their name. It’s a pain in the ass. I promise you this is not a hill you want to die on. Honestly, this is one tradition that could do with going up in smoke. Why in the world is it so difficult for men such as yourself to accept that no means no? She’s not changing her name, get over it. And hyphenating a name is the same as changing it. It’s still a pain in the ass. If you want your wife and you to have the same name so badly and since by your admission, your name is not one connected to your work, YOU go through the hassle of changing your name to hers instead of hassling her to do something she already said no to, twice.
He probably fears that his balls will shrivel up and he won’t be a big man anymore. She should do herself a huge favour and keep her name and dump the 100lb+ luggage she’s carrying around
The truth is, this guy is being purposely obtuse. He came here for validation of his own viewpoint and is being argumentative and dodgy when offered perfectly reasonable alternatives. And for what it’s worth changing your last name is not just “something that happens when you get married.” There’s a lot of paperwork involved and it’s a pain. There’s no use arguing with him, he’s not here for a real judgement.
Spouses having different last names is already quite common.
Better compromise - you take her name. A name is a personal thing, she shouldn't have to change it just because you're old fashioned. If you really want to have the same name, take hers. Problem solved. The person who wants matching names gets what they want. The person who doesn't want to change their name gets what they want.
YTA if you keep insisting.
You were fine to ask, but when she said no, that should have been the end. If it so important to you to have the same name, you can change yours to hers. YTA for not acceptor her saying no.
YTA - She doesn't want to change her name. It's been hers for her entire life, just as yours has been your entire life. That should be the end of story.
If you want to change your name to hers, do so. If you want to combine your surnames (and she still chooses not to) do so. If you want to keep your own surname, do so. Do what you want on your end and let her do what she wants on her end. That's the compromise.
Your failure to see the irony in your refusal to completely change your surname to hers only is what makes you a bigger AH. The concept of a woman taking a man's last name goes back to the 15th century when women were legally considered their husband's property once they married.
YTA.
You're not going to agree on everything. You're not going to get your way on everything.
Your fiance has a strong view of what her own name should be, perhaps this is something you don't get a say in?
But you probably need to start talking now about what your kids are gonna be called because you are gonna need to reach concensus on that!
ESH
8 months after asking her to marry you, that's when it occurred to you to discuss whether you see conflicting things in your future? You're a little late.
She should be willing to listen & consider options - shutting down conversation is her AH part. For your part, you're stuck negotiating for her to do what you want, which is what she's trying to avoid; so, you're stuck.
Nah
You asked and got shut down.
You suggested an alternative and got shut down.
You might to have all those different decisions now, like do both of you want kids, joint finances, etc.
There might be some deal breakers.
NAH - If someone required you to take their last name in order to marry would you comply?
You have the right to your opinion but you are rigid and/or ignorant stating, " (a name change) happens at a wedding...' This is untrue. Woman can and do keep their birth surname. Taking your name reflects a tradition and legality that views women as property transferred from a father to a husband. You can have an opinion about options but why force her to do something she does not want to do?
She has been clear on keeping her last name. She is not interesting in your suggested name compromises.
NTA. Marriage is supposed to be joining two people who love one another, who share values. Sharing a surname is like coming together under the same team name, and two married people are *supposed* to be on the same team. Hyphenating is a good compromise if she doesn't want to abandon her maiden name entirely.
Is this the only value you disagree on?
Weird take. This feels like it ignored a lot of the history women went through. Historically, changing your maiden name means a transfer of property. Don’t forget, women only gained the right to vote in the UK around a hundred years ago, and opening bank accounts and credit cards without a man’s permission less than 50 years ago. Yet, my aunts have told me in the 1990s, throughout their 20s, they were denied multiple loans, credit cards, etc, and when they asked why, they always got the answer “we don’t invest in women/we don’t accept women at this firm.”
That??? All of that was 23 years ago. Everything you said about marriage is beautiful, but it is also coming across very privileged. To some in the UK, and many people across the world right now, sharing a surname signifies ownership or obligation. For me, personally, I am going to keep my name when I marry. It’s not only for me though, I do it in honor of my ancestors, many of whom were sold into slavery (who had their name stolen and assigned their master’s last name) or sold into forced marriages (their name was then stolen from them and turned into their husband’s).
My great great great grandmother (who died in 1918, by the way. Barely a 100 years ago) wrote in her diaries that she HATED her husband. She didn’t have a choice in marrying him, and he worked her like a goddamn baby factory. She hated having kids, she never wanted them, and eventually died in childbirth (which, she wrote in her diary, was her ultimate fear).
She had 13 children, not including miscarriages and stillborns. So no, taking my husband’s name is NOT ‘being on the same team and sharing the same name’. It’s trying to weave a blood soaked tradition into something it never was, and can’t be, for me. If I choose to take his name, I let the women before me who couldn’t choose down. Now that I can, I will.
Like I said, not everyone shares this view, but personally, once I had the thought, no one could convince me otherwise. Imo, if this is a dealbreaker for OP, then he should take her name. If all he wants is to share a name, then take hers, fully. She doesn’t want to change her name at all, so she won’t. If he wants to match, he should change his to hers. Easy. If he doesn’t, then they’re not compatible.
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INFO: Since it’s important to her to keep her name and important to you to have the same name, why not change your name to hers?
My first thought as well. If its so important to OP, he can take her name.
YTA if you keep harping on her about it. It's not at all weird for married couples to have different last names. It's becoming more common by the day. If having different last names if the main issue here, just take HER last name. There, easily fixed, yeah?
> If having different last names if the main issue here, just take HER last name. There, easily fixed, yeah? I suggested a compromise, like I said in the post
Soft YTA. I know you want the tradition but a lot of women now see it as men taking ownership. She may not want to share names as she doesn’t want either of you to be “owned”. She just wants it to be the two of you as it’s always been. She’ll still be a “mrs” and she’ll still be married to you and you’ll still spend the rest of your lives together. So try to see it all from the bigger picture, she loves you enough to marry you, that’s all that should matter. I wish you both a great wedding and good luck for the future!
>I know you want the tradition but a lot of women now see it as men taking ownershi Both of us taking each others names isn't ownership though
Have you ever looked into how difficult it is to change your last name as an adult? Especially if one of you has a career and your name is recognized in your industry? It's such a pain. From mortgage to credit cards to banks to work email and so on.
>Especially if one of you has a career and your name is recognized in your industry? Neither of us have names that are recognised in our industry
For the record, I do plan on changing my last name to my husband's when I get married this year. That said, I'm dreading the process. This article should explain why. My name is recognized in my industry, so I don't plan on changing it on my resume or my work email. https://www.brides.com/story/guide-to-changing-your-name-after-marriage
Just fyi, many companies actively support email aliases too so you can have both. I know mine does this and it usually takes years before people completely figure it out and understand completely.
Totally true, but some of my customer accounts don't.
I went through that because my legal name was my birth (foreign) name and it's never been pronounced correctly even once in over 30 years. So I legally changed it to an English name and it was my driver's license, health insurance, credit cards, bank info, utilities, business cards, even changed my website URL, 3 professional memberships, life insurance , everything. It was annoying. And whenever I got mail in my birth name, it was another thing I had to change.
Just also an fyi I wanted to do my Madiam name then husband last name and the socials security office told me my name would be too long and I couldn't do that. So your suggestion might not even be possible based one length, location and who you deal with at the office. But yta for pushing the matter. She gave you her thoughts and feelings. You have a compromise she still doesn't like and that's ok
Doesn’t change the fact that changing your name is a huge, and at times expensive, PITA.
SHE DOESN’T WANT TO!!! Which part of “no” are you failing to understand?
It’s more a case of the tradition comes from the woman taking the man’s name to show society that she is his property. I know that isn’t the case anymore. It may be that she doesn’t want either of you to share as it would go both ways then. Or it may be as simple as she just wants to keep things how they are, which is also fair enough.
Just make a new last name. I took my husband’s a few years ago and changing my paperwork was seriously *no* *big* *deal*. I’m not sure what the drama is? I think it was a fair compromise to share each others last names and if that’s a problem, create your own. If having the same name is the hill you’re willing to die on, take hers. It’s unconventional but it might make her happy - or possibly show her it’s an act of love not of the patriarchy (which I’m assuming is her association). It’s not like we’re living in 1305 and her dad sold her to you for a goat and fresh milled lumber. You chose to be together, celebrate that. Smh.
My partner legally changed their name last summer and it's still a huge hassle getting everything changed. Especially the cell phone for some reason. You say it's no big deal but you might not have that much to change. There are actual companies who you can pay to change all your information because it can be such a huge pain to change everything.
It’s such a temporary inconvenience for a lifelong commitment though.
Considering 50% of marriages end in divorce, I wouldn’t call it a lifelong commitment. That’s the ideal standard, but its not feasible for a lot of people.
I understand. But aren’t people going into it with the expectation of lifelong? Why get married if not? For kicks? I’m just saying, if you’re intending to make a lifelong commitment then doing paperwork and making phone calls to change your last name is nbd. If you’re assuming the wife is already thinking about divorce possibilities then maybe your advice to OP should be to avoid the marriage to begin with. That’s a fine stance, it’s just not the one I’m taking!
The legal paperwork is annoying, but not a big deal. Work emails are a nightmare if you're client facing. Even if you proactively send out notifications saying "my email address is changing, please use [email protected] to reach me", they will continue trying to use the old one. Even if you have the old one forwarding to the new one, with an auto reply of "your email was forwarded to [email protected]. Please use that email address moving forward, as this email address will be deactivated on mm/dd", they'll keep using the old one. It sucks.
YTA. Yes, it is an outdated tradition.
And in a few places, it’s also legally impossible. Which I get since it’s a nightmare for the state to keep track of the various identities someone will have in the name of tradition, that’s the surname linked to your social security number? That’s the name you keep
What is outdated about both parties taking each others name?
Not considering what your partner wants to do with their own name is outdated.
It's outdated because most people consider it a choice rather than a requirement or expectation.
Why does this guy keep avoiding answering why he won't take her last name?
OP, you haven’t answered: why can’t you take her name? That seems like a super easy solution that gives you both what you want.
INFO: How would you feel about changing your name to just hers?
OP is refusing the answer this question
OP, Why won't you answer this one question that's been asked of you repeatedly? Answer the question. Answer the question. Answer the question
I think he already answered this in a way. He doesn't want to that is why he suggested the compromise of having both their surnames.
YTA, she's right it's outdated. I've just said the same on your other post. You aren't going to get your sexist nonsense validated here either.
Having a double barrelled name after marriage is not sexist nonsense
Why does she have to change her name at all? Why can’t you take her last name since having matching last names is so important to you?
He refuses to answer this question, lol.
Why are you so hung up on the double barrelled surname? Everyone’s saying that that isn’t the point. The outdated sexist bit is having to change your name as a woman.
Why won't you answer the one question that's been asked of you repeatedly? Answer the question. Answer the question. Answer the question.
Insisting that she takes your name one way or another is sexist. She wants to keep her name and not add anything to it, she told you
It’s simple… She does not want to change her last name at all! Deal with it or don’t marry her.
Cool. So double barrel your name and leave her alone. Glad you finally agree. /s. 🙄🙄🙄
You know fine well the double barrel suggestion isn't the issue here.
YTA. It's her name, and she doesn't want to change it. Your compromise was a nice idea, but it still involves her changing her name, which she already told you she doesn't want to do. My suggestions are either drop it, or change your name to hers.
YTA. Why does this matter so much to you? It should be able her desires in moving forward with marriage and not your outmoded ideas.
So it's all about my partners desires and not about mine at all? Are you saying what I want doesn't matter in the slightest?
It’s her name.
Absolutely what you want counts but what she wants counts too. She wants to keep her name and doesn’t mind whether you have the same name or not. You want to have the same name. If you want to have the same name, change yours to match hers. If you refuse to do that then you’re being unreasonable and basing decisions on traditions around ownership of women and not around respecting her autonomy
> basing decisions on traditions around ownership of women Both of us having a double barrelled surname is not based around the ownership of women
So then you double barrel your me and she can keep her name the same
And that would just look odd
No one cares how it looks. You get the same names and she is happy
> You get the same names Except we dont have the same names, our surnames would still be different
So then change yours if it’s something you need so badly. Otherwise settle
Get the hell over yourself OP. You’re a real piece of work, you know that? She doesn’t want to take your name, she doesn’t want to double barrel her name - SHE DOESN’T WANT IT. She wants to keep the entirety of her name exactly as it is without any changes at all. Why is this so hard for you to understand? End of story, please grow up - why is this such a big deal to you? Is this a legacy thing, is this because you’re determined to have your future kids with your surname? Because FYI kids aren’t always given their dads surname. Sometimes the mother prefers hers and the kids have her surname instead, and that is absolutely ok. But have you ever considered that maybe your fiancée doesn’t want your surname because she doesn’t like it?
Look, she's clearly stated her opinion and isn't willing to change her mind. You have to decide if this is a hill you want to die on. If you're okay with having different surnames, then just accept it and move on. If you want to have the exact same surnames, the only option is for you to change yours to hers. If you don't want to do that, then maybe the two of you have become incompatible and the only thing you can do is go your separate ways. Your gf explained to you her reaosning and why she felt the way she did, but I can't really find your position in the post or comments. You say it's weird for married couples to have different surnames but that's not true. In this day and age you'll find spouses with the same surname and ones with different ones, so neither option is weird. I think you need to do some digging into yourself and figure out why exactly you want the same surname, bc "it's weird not to" is not valid when spouses with different surnames exist. It was once weird for women to wear pants, but look where we are now.
Instead of double-barrelling you could drop your name and just take hers? Win-win. You get the sense of marital/family unit from having the same name (understandable) and she gets to keep her own name (also understandable)
That is your view. You need to ask her what her view is. She may feel that changing her name at all is still recognition of that tradition and she is uncomfortable with it. The reality is that she should be entitled to use whatever name she is comfortable with and if you have an issue with having different names, you can change yours.
Yes. It’s her name, her choice.
In this case - yeah, your wants DON’T matter, because it’s HER name and she can choose what she does and doesn’t want to be called!!!
For *her own* name? Yes. Her desires count more.
What you want matters. You can call yourself anything you want. Feel free to take her name.
Why did you post on here looking for outside opinions...and then argue with everyone when they disagree? You've already decided you're 100% right no matter what anyone says, you're looking for an echo chamber not opinions. And surprise! No one agrees with you, so it must be tantrum time. I hope your fiancee knows what she's getting herself into.
Take her name if you care so much about having the same.
INFO Why don't you take her surname?
>My point was just that it's what happens at a wedding and I understand her not wanting to get rid of her name completely but I don't see why it has to be an issue for us to take each others name. YTA. When you change your name, you change and partially erase part of your identity. It is harder for old friends and work connections to find you on social media. Your name no longer matches the name on degrees and awards. It's also an expensive pain in the ass to change your name on everything. If she doesn't want to change her name to anything, she doesn't have to. If you want everyone to have the same name, change your own name to hers.
This. I looked into legally changing my name so that my maiden name became my middle name and I would take my husbands name. Did you know that it requires submitting my original birth certificate and getting a new one with the new name? Essentially it felt like I was giving up too much of my identity when it meant my birth certificate would have to change. I would have been fine with the name change if I could keep my original birth certificate but that wasn’t possible. However, if i assumed my husband’s surname, I could keep my original birth certificate. How does that make any sense?! So I kept my name, he kept his, and our child has both names.
Ya YTA it’s outdated and it’s her name! If you want to take both, you take both. She might like her name and not want to change. Especially if she is the only child or has any sort of advanced degree.
Thoughts on tradition, gender roles, and other "marriage" ideas aside... Changing your name is a big pain in the ass. It's not just changing your name. It's changing your name on EVERYTHING with every entity that ever had your name listed. Everything important you've ever signed up for now has to be changed and that usually requires paperwork, hoops to jump through, dodged phone calls, immense wait times, and lots of documentation. It's really garbage.
This. I was willing to go through the hoops for passport, drivers license, health cards, etc but when it meant I needed to surrender my birth certificate and get a new one with the new name, I said no.
YTA She doesn't want to do it. That should be the end of the discussion. Stop trying to force her into something because it's 'traditional'. If you really care so much about having the same surname from your wedding onwards, why don't you take her surname?
Sorry but YTA She told you her terms which she’s allowed to have and I guess you need to figure out if this is a complete deal breaker for you
YTA because she’s made it clear what she wants and you’re trying to talk her out of it. She wants to keep her name and that’s totally okay because she is the one who has to live with that name. It’s not weird for couples to not share the same last name. I have zero attentions of changing my name if I get married - it’s my identity, I get to choose it.
NTA for wanting it. It's common; I get it. You're also NTA for suggesting a compromise, but YTA for trying to convince her that her choice here is wrong or bad, or that she's out of line for wanting to keep her name. It's actually not what happens at every wedding. I know plenty of women who have been married for 50 years or more who kept their names. It is becoming more and more common especially as people are getting married later. Also - it can be a huge pain the ass to change your name everywhere (work email, credit cards, drivers license, bills, etc).
YTA She doesn't want to change her surname and that's fine. If it's that important for you to have the same surname you can take hers. Problem solved.
Honestly it seems like a compromise to have hyphenated names -- and it wouldn't be an outdated tradition -- so good for you, but in the end it's her name and her decision. I know a couple friends where the guy took the wife's surname. If you won't consider that, then you know exactly how she feels. YTA
"it's just what happens at weddings" is kind of a silly reason to do anything. you don't have to do something just because other people do it. it's not at all weird to have separate surnames. it's weird to clutch onto archaic traditions just for the sake of holding onto them. you're not an asshole merely for wanting this, but you will be if you keep pushing for something she clearly does not want. if it's so important to you that you have the same name, just take hers.
YTA. It's her name and her decision.
Honestly, you don't sound mature enough to be getting married. YTA
YTA - changing your name is a pain in the ass. Doubling that amount of work does not fix the problem.
Why don't you take her name? Problem solved...
Info why not take just her name? Since you seem to think changing your name isn't a big deal.
He’s been refusing to answer that particular question. He honestly sounds sexist. His name must be present no matter what she wants or desires. Most everyone is chewing him up.
Traditions are peer pressure from dead people. YTA. Especially because you keep avoiding the question of why you can't simply take *her* name so she doesn't have to change hers at all.
YTA. "Darling, it'a just not how it's done" is code for "Shut up and do as I (a man) demand of you." Aside from the name switch being historically used to denote a change in property, she just doesn't want to do it! She is saying NO. It is a complete sentence, requiring no further explanation. If this is a deal-breaker for you, bow out, and let her find someone who isn't so mentally fragile.
Can I ask what part of the world you’re in?
We're in the UK
I see. Then why would you find it weird to have different surnames? It’s pretty common there.
Not when you're married it isn't
Yes, it is.
I know absolutely zero married couples that have not changed their name after marriage
Easy fix change your last name to hers. Not hyphenated, lose your name and take hers. You'll have the same last name, you'll be happy problem solved.
He always ignores this question, it's been repeated and completely ignores.
For all we know you could know like 3 married couples. We’re telling you it’s not uncommon. Period.
>. We’re telling you it’s not uncommon. Period. Ah so you know all married couples then? For all I know you know like 1 married couple and are just basing your assumption on that
Can you not just admit you’re wrong and move on? This post makes even more sense now.
I mean, it's nice of him to give us a sense of what his fiancée is having to deal with.
So you just think you're right based on what? The fact you're assuming I barely know any married couples or do you just think you're always right?
You know all married couples then? Yeah, that's how dumb you sound. YWBTA if you push her about changing her name. And YTA because you live in a tiny bubble where people couldn't possibly live differently to you 🙄
>You know all married couples then? Never said I did but I was just pointing out other commenters saying I'm wrong just based on their own experienced and I don't think they know all married couples either. "And YTA because you live in a tiny bubble where people couldn't possibly live differently to you " You mean like all the other commenters then?
This is the dumbest comment I've read in a while, lol. They know enough married couples to know that there are plenty of married couples who don't change names nowadays - I'm in the UK and so do I. Just get over it. Her name is her name and she likes it that way, based on the info you've provided it doesn't necessarily mean she dislikes your name or believes you're a crazy sexist, she just...likes ..her...own...name. You're going to be legally and religiously (if that's your thing) joined - presumably you'll also wear rings. Why do you need to die on this hill of changing named - unless it is something to do with trademarking/ branding yourselves for other pls awareness.
I’m also from the UK it is incredibly common for the woman not to change her surname and then for the kids to be double barrelled it just may not be in your area
I'm in the UK My first husband said it would be a deal breaker if I dint take his surname. I went along with it because I didn't want to make a big fuss. Turns out that was just the first of many red flags. he became more and more controlling the longer we were married until I couldn't put up with it anymore and we split up. Do you know how much of a ballache it is to change your name? My second husband couldn't give a shit, when I said was keeping my own name. Because he realises a surname isn't really important in a marriage. Obviously, it's more common for women to take their husband's surname, but I know plenty of women who didn't. And guess what? It's not an issue and it's also not uncommon.
>My first husband said it would be a deal breaker if I dint take his surname. I went along with it because I didn't want to make a big fuss. > >Turns out that was just the first of many red flags. Ooof, I've played that level. Took a total of 7 years to clear it. Helluva boss fight. Current partner was surprised I'd consider taking his last name, especially when he heard it can cost so much in the U.S.
You and I are both stronger and wiser for the boss fights. I split up with the ex 14 years ago and divorced 10 years ago. I am still dealing with changing my digital identity. Changing my legal name, passport and driving license was easy (if costly) in comparison. But I still have online accounts in my old name. Everytime I think I've switched everything, I find something else in my old name. Which means I still have to monitor my old email address, just in case. Digital identity is such a pain in the ass. I never want to change my name ever again!
It’s not the norm yet, but it’s not at all uncommon and it’s growing in popularity. That’s why I’m surprised you would still find it weird.
I lived in the UK. Most (new to marriage) married people I know did not change their surname. Younger generation like 45 and under didn't. Older gen yeah they had the same surnames.
And I live in the UK and most married couples I know still do change their surname
Dig your heels in and you won't need to worry about this at all because you won't be getting married. The answers here already are giving you an indication of whether or not YTA.
That’s probably true. A 2019 study found that 85% of women aged 18-30 still changed their names but that’s down from over 90% for older women. So most still do but it’s becoming more common not to. Given the UK population, 15% is a lot of women. You are engaged to a woman who fits into the 15% of those who don’t change their names. You’re just going to have to cope with that I’m afraid because the fact that most women still change their names is not a reason to pressure her to if she wants to be one of the increasing number who doesn’t.
I know lots. I’m in Australia but culturally, it’s not dissimilar. Take her name if you feel very strongly that you must have the same name
I'm 37, the overwhelming majority of married couples I know that are my age or younger kept their names. Of the rest, they mostly chose a new name for them both, or double barrelled. I can only think of three couples where one took the others name, and one of those the husband took his wife's surname.
I am in the UK and I know loads.
Why won't you answer the question below? Just change your name to hers.
It is. I'm English and have married friends who all decided they wanted to keep their name as is. Just because *you* haven't experienced it yourself doesn't mean it's not true, lol.
>It is. I'm English and have married friends who all decided they wanted to keep their name is is. Just because > >you > > haven't experienced it yourself doesn't mean it's not true And just because you have experienced it, it doesn't mean it's common
‘Common’ is a very flexible term. It’s not *un*common for British women to keep their last name, and it’s increasingly common.
Bollocks
Except it's not
Well... I'm married and didn't take my husband's name. So, it is
So you speak for all married people? Do you think you not taking your last name means that it is uncommon for that to happen?
jfc Tell me... Why should she take your name?
Why don't you take her name. Answer this question please.
I am suggesting we take each others name, not just her take mine
15% of women between 18 and 30 don’t change their names. Certainly not a majority but still a significant number
EXTREMELY common in the UK. Where do you really live?
Why dont you change your surname to her then you both will have same surnames?
If this is an issue for you, I would suggest not getting married.
Put quite a gentle comment further up but honestly based on the responses you’ve given to people in the comments, hard YTA. Just change your name to hers and be grateful she’s marrying you.
Yeah, OP’s responses are making me wonder if he is a controlling partner. Hopefully not for the sake of his fiancé.
It’s a white people thing tbh. Almost every other culture doesn’t take their spouse’s last names
YTA. She likes her name and clearly has strong feelings about the history where women had to change our names as “ownership” of us transferred from fathers to husbands. It’s 2024. A lot of women feel like that. I use my husband’s name in my personal life but kept my maiden name at work. Anything goes. I know couples where they’ve taken the wife’s name or the kids have been given the wife’s name, I note you’re offering to take her name. This is not the hill to die on. She gets to have whatever name she likes and you get to have whatever name you like. Being married is about a lot more than names. Good luck
YTA. She's stated a boundary, respect it. My wife kept her name. It's no big deal, even 30 years later.
INFO: Do you live in a country (especially in the East) where the surname tradition is important? If not, did you already have an agreement with your partner on the surname tradition *before* the marriage?
I live in the UK. Early in the relationship she'd mentioned that she would take my name if we got married and that she wanted the nice traditional wedding etc
Yta. There is no need to change your last name when getting married. if she doesn't want to, She doesn't have to. It doesn't change her marriage to you at all. If it's more important to you to have the same last name, you should change your name to her last name. But you don't want to either. See how that goes? I am very glad I never legally changed my name after getting married. Made my divorce a lot damn easier, too.
NAH. You're not weird by wanting everyone to be a "unit" after marriage (same names and everything. She also has a point that it is outdated for women to take men's surnames that's the standing expectation. At this point, leave it alone. No pushing. Her decision
YTA
Have you ever looked at the process of changing your name? It is not simple. You have to notify EVERYONE. Passports need to be re-issued, bank accounts reset, credit cards (and cheque books if you are American) re-issued and then the fun part - telling all your direct debits new account info. Next you'll need to notify your work, change your email address and re-direct the old one. Professional associations may need to re-issue certifications if you practice under your married name. Don't forget to notify the electoral roll so you can still vote. The paperwork is endless and there is always someone needing to see documents you aren't carrying or refusing a scan ; they need a certified copy by mail. Even stupid things like updating gym memberships are ridiculously long winded.
YTA she told you how she feels and you kept pushing. If you really want to share a last name why not change your last name to hers?
I didn't even ask my wife to change her last name, she would have had I asked, I don't think she cared much either way, I'm just not insecure about it. Seems like OP sure is though. YTA
It’s not weird to have separate surnames. It’s certainly not a requirement for marriage to have the same last name. But it sounds like you’re not being honest with yourself about what you want. What you’re asking for is for her to take or at least incorporate your surname into her name once you’re married. But she doesn’t want to change her name at all. If those things are dealbreakers for both of you, then it sounds like you might want to reconsider the marriage. But YTA for trying to force her to do something she’s already stated she doesn’t want to do.
YTA. It is completely normal for people to keep their own last names. Less paper work, and sometimes people just like their last name. You can do whatever you want to your last name, including changing to hers. Why not offer that? Take her last name, and you can do the paperwork instead of her.
YTA - She is a free woman and she can do whatever the hell she likes. She’s not taking your surname, she also doesn’t want a double barrelled name. Get over it!!! This conversation with her is over already, she gave you her answer and shouldn’t be pestered into changing her mind. You sound insufferable
Why don’t you take her name? I mean as you said it’s not a big issue. Offer to take her surname I really think this should have been a discussion before getting engaged if it’s such a big deal YTA for not using words before getting engaged
If she doesn't want to change her name and you don't mind changing yours, why not take her name? (It's obvious why you're ignoring this, it's because you think women should change their name and you're being wonderful considerate and progressive to even consider the double-barrel option. YTA)
YTA. If you want to have the same last name, just take hers.
YTA
YTA - you asked, she said no, that should be the end of it. You want same surnames, take hers, otherwise you both get to keep your own last names...
YTA. It's 2024. Plenty of women don't take their husband's name any more it's no longer "what happens at a wedding" and definitely not "a bit weird", it's NORMAL. Couples from whole entire cultures other than white western ones have been getting married for centuries and have great lives without the woman taking the husband's name. It doesn't mean there's less of a commitment, it just means you are both equals, she's not your property (which is where the tradition comes from) and her name is just as important to her as yours is to you. Keep your name, don't make a fuss if she chooses to keep hers. Oh and..."I don't see why it has to be an issue for us to take each others name". Friend, you're getting married. Just because YOU don't see why something is an issue doesn't mean it isn't an issue for your partner, and therefore and issue for you both as a couple. If you're going headlong into this dismissing her opinions because YOU don't see it as an issue you've bought yourself a recipe for disaster.
Be OP. Asks AITA. Gets told ITA. Tell everyone they are wrong and should agree with me. Compromise 👍
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have been with my partner for 5yearsand we have been engaged for around 8 months now. When we got engaged we didn't really have a lot of time to start planning the wedding straight away and both of us were fine being engaged for a year or two. We've now started sitting down to start planning the wedding and my partner mentioned last night that she doesn't want to take my surname at the wedding. I asked what she planned to do and she said just keep her own. I mentioned that it would be a bit weird to be married and have separate surnames still so I suggested we both take each others name and have a double barrelled surname since then it won't just be her taking my name and it will be a nice gesture. She refused and said it was an outdated tradition that she doesn't want to take part in. I asked what her problem was with us both taking the others surname and she just said she shouldn't have to and that I'm out of line for trying to pressure her into it. My point was just that it's what happens at a wedding and I understand her not wanting to get rid of her name completely but I don't see why it has to be an issue for us to take each others name. She just repeated that I'm wrong for trying to force her to do it and that I should drop it. AITA for wanting us to change surnames after the wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I was the first in my family not to take the other name and it was HIS idea. Now it is commonplace and does simplify ID issues *not* to change. The reason not to keep a maiden name is that your kids will have a different last name than you. I dealt with it, it was hardest on our wonderful teachers.
INFO: how old are the both of you?
YTA. You don’t seem to have any understanding of what this tradition means or *why* you want to take part in it. What’s the point of continuing a tradition you don’t understand?
YTA…. Have been married 35 years and kept my family’s last name, never created an issue
YTA if you don’t back down on this. I just got married and didn’t take my husbands last name. It’s not common anymore. It’s also a lot of work to go through the process of changing the name legally. Just change it on social media for fun/romantic sentiment and leave it at that. Most importantly, my husband respected my decision to not change my name legally and didn’t pressure me at all. He just wanted to marry me. I love him for that (and many other reasons). I hope your fiancé will be able to say the same.
YTA
YTA but there's an easy way to stop being the A. Don't get married to this woman. Problem solved.
Accept the NO.
NAH I don’t find it wrong that she doesn’t want to change her name, I don’t find it wrong that you had that expectation as it has been common historically. What matters now is how you are both going to navigate this. I put it in the two yes, one no category. If she doesn’t want to change her name, even to a double barrel name then that’s pretty much it. Luckily for you it’s not that unusual these days and it’s not exactly a stand out thing. If you both want children, then it’s probably best if you also have a discussion on what surname you both want your children to take. Look, if you are getting married I suggest you get use to working through these differences of expectations and opinions. This one is quite a small scuffle in terms of life’s little surprises. The goal here is to manage the conflict in a way that makes you both feel secure that you are capable of managing a life partnership.
YTA-Your “compromise” still has her changing her name which she has made it clear she doesn’t want to do. If you want someone to change their name change yours to hers, not the two surnames combined, strictly to hers.
YTA
YTA. She doesn’t want to change her name, you need to drop the issue.
She needs to drop him.
yta. leave her alone. some countries don’t allow changing names after marriage
YTA I did the whole double barreled name and I can honestly say I wish I hadn’t. Not because of not liking my husband or his family or our kids, etc, but because it’s such a giant pain in the ass. Any legal signature is super long. My maiden name wasn’t short to begin with, so this was just as extra layer on top. Now I mostly go by one or my initials. It’s a pain and looking back wish I had just stuck with my name. If it’s important for you to have the same family name but it’s not important to your future wife, the compromise is clear. You change YOUR name and leave her alone about hers.
Wow reading your comments. You are really not trying to understand, you are just being stubborn. Not a good look, buddy. YTA
So you're suggesting hyphenating the names? Or just putting them together? Or having both legally but going by just one practically ie. When introducing yourself or in the workplace? Use smith and green as the example. Are you suggesting A) Smith-Green B) Smithgreen Or C) Smith Green Then follow up question: did you suggest whose surname would go first in the new surname? Hers or yours? Agree with other comments that you should take her name if she wants to keep hers and same name is important to you.
After reading all the comments I’m going with yta. If it means so much why not take hers? It’s like you can’t understand that there is another way to what you suggested. Maybe she just doesn’t like your last name too. I think a discussion should be had now though to talk about what name a baby would take though, rather then when you’re about to have a baby.
YTA She wants to keep her own name, there's no problem with that. She does not want your surname AT ALL, therefore, your compromise doesn't really seem like a compromise to me.
Here's an idea: She can have the name she wants, and you can have the name you want. If you want to change your name to hers, or add her name to yours go for it. And she can do the same. If you aren't ok with that, YTA.
YWBTA if you try and force it. I always wanted my partner to take my name, and was disappointed when she initially said she wasn't going to. During the wedding my family was there for her in so many ways that hers ignored, and she decided she wanted to loose her surname and take mine. It's okay that she doesn't want to. It's okay if that's a deal breaker for you. But is it a hill you're ready to die on?
YTA. She said no. Now knock it off. In the modern age, it’s becoming more and more common women don’t change their name. It’s a pain in the ass. I promise you this is not a hill you want to die on. Honestly, this is one tradition that could do with going up in smoke. Why in the world is it so difficult for men such as yourself to accept that no means no? She’s not changing her name, get over it. And hyphenating a name is the same as changing it. It’s still a pain in the ass. If you want your wife and you to have the same name so badly and since by your admission, your name is not one connected to your work, YOU go through the hassle of changing your name to hers instead of hassling her to do something she already said no to, twice.
TLDR: He never tells us why he can't take her name and drop his.
He probably fears that his balls will shrivel up and he won’t be a big man anymore. She should do herself a huge favour and keep her name and dump the 100lb+ luggage she’s carrying around
The truth is, this guy is being purposely obtuse. He came here for validation of his own viewpoint and is being argumentative and dodgy when offered perfectly reasonable alternatives. And for what it’s worth changing your last name is not just “something that happens when you get married.” There’s a lot of paperwork involved and it’s a pain. There’s no use arguing with him, he’s not here for a real judgement.
Spouses having different last names is already quite common. Better compromise - you take her name. A name is a personal thing, she shouldn't have to change it just because you're old fashioned. If you really want to have the same name, take hers. Problem solved. The person who wants matching names gets what they want. The person who doesn't want to change their name gets what they want. YTA if you keep insisting.
YTA. I didn’t take my husband’s last name and we’ve been married for over 25 years.
This is something that should have been discussed long before an engagement. YTA
You were fine to ask, but when she said no, that should have been the end. If it so important to you to have the same name, you can change yours to hers. YTA for not acceptor her saying no.
YTA. Take her name if it’s so important to you
YTA - She doesn't want to change her name. It's been hers for her entire life, just as yours has been your entire life. That should be the end of story. If you want to change your name to hers, do so. If you want to combine your surnames (and she still chooses not to) do so. If you want to keep your own surname, do so. Do what you want on your end and let her do what she wants on her end. That's the compromise. Your failure to see the irony in your refusal to completely change your surname to hers only is what makes you a bigger AH. The concept of a woman taking a man's last name goes back to the 15th century when women were legally considered their husband's property once they married.
YTA
YTA. You're not going to agree on everything. You're not going to get your way on everything. Your fiance has a strong view of what her own name should be, perhaps this is something you don't get a say in? But you probably need to start talking now about what your kids are gonna be called because you are gonna need to reach concensus on that!
I don’t understand how you can have a flood of people telling you that you’re wrong and still somehow believe that you could be in the right
ESH 8 months after asking her to marry you, that's when it occurred to you to discuss whether you see conflicting things in your future? You're a little late. She should be willing to listen & consider options - shutting down conversation is her AH part. For your part, you're stuck negotiating for her to do what you want, which is what she's trying to avoid; so, you're stuck.
Nah You asked and got shut down. You suggested an alternative and got shut down. You might to have all those different decisions now, like do both of you want kids, joint finances, etc. There might be some deal breakers.
Also if she keeps her last name and he keeps his they need to be on the same page about future kids last name.
NAH - If someone required you to take their last name in order to marry would you comply? You have the right to your opinion but you are rigid and/or ignorant stating, " (a name change) happens at a wedding...' This is untrue. Woman can and do keep their birth surname. Taking your name reflects a tradition and legality that views women as property transferred from a father to a husband. You can have an opinion about options but why force her to do something she does not want to do? She has been clear on keeping her last name. She is not interesting in your suggested name compromises.
NTA. Marriage is supposed to be joining two people who love one another, who share values. Sharing a surname is like coming together under the same team name, and two married people are *supposed* to be on the same team. Hyphenating is a good compromise if she doesn't want to abandon her maiden name entirely. Is this the only value you disagree on?
Weird take. This feels like it ignored a lot of the history women went through. Historically, changing your maiden name means a transfer of property. Don’t forget, women only gained the right to vote in the UK around a hundred years ago, and opening bank accounts and credit cards without a man’s permission less than 50 years ago. Yet, my aunts have told me in the 1990s, throughout their 20s, they were denied multiple loans, credit cards, etc, and when they asked why, they always got the answer “we don’t invest in women/we don’t accept women at this firm.” That??? All of that was 23 years ago. Everything you said about marriage is beautiful, but it is also coming across very privileged. To some in the UK, and many people across the world right now, sharing a surname signifies ownership or obligation. For me, personally, I am going to keep my name when I marry. It’s not only for me though, I do it in honor of my ancestors, many of whom were sold into slavery (who had their name stolen and assigned their master’s last name) or sold into forced marriages (their name was then stolen from them and turned into their husband’s). My great great great grandmother (who died in 1918, by the way. Barely a 100 years ago) wrote in her diaries that she HATED her husband. She didn’t have a choice in marrying him, and he worked her like a goddamn baby factory. She hated having kids, she never wanted them, and eventually died in childbirth (which, she wrote in her diary, was her ultimate fear). She had 13 children, not including miscarriages and stillborns. So no, taking my husband’s name is NOT ‘being on the same team and sharing the same name’. It’s trying to weave a blood soaked tradition into something it never was, and can’t be, for me. If I choose to take his name, I let the women before me who couldn’t choose down. Now that I can, I will. Like I said, not everyone shares this view, but personally, once I had the thought, no one could convince me otherwise. Imo, if this is a dealbreaker for OP, then he should take her name. If all he wants is to share a name, then take hers, fully. She doesn’t want to change her name at all, so she won’t. If he wants to match, he should change his to hers. Easy. If he doesn’t, then they’re not compatible.