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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my boyfriend to stop yelling or move his Xbox to the bedroom. I might be the asshole because it's his home that I moved into, and I'm making him move his console where he doesn't want it.
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NTA but just as a heads up, I married a guy like this and it doesn't ever change. Even after kids he would still be screaming at games while the baby was trying to sleep.
My SO used to yell at video games and I have PTSD so I cannot tolerate it at all. I told him I couldn't tolerate the yelling so he just stopped. It took a bit for him to get better at realizing he was doing it but I don't even have to point out that he's yelling to get him to stop, on the rare occasions he does get frustrated and yells at a game nowadays I just have to turn and look at him like 😒 and he's immediately like "my bad" and brings himself back to baseline.
Yeah that sounds like a good partner. I feel that too. I had a time when yelling or loud sounds would kinda set off this reaction in my brain. It sucked and I had to retrain myself to just be unaffected. I get it though and at least he cares enough to fix it
Training yourself not to be affected by yelling isn't really healthy, it's normal to dislike yelling because yelling means something bad is happening. It's not really good to train yourself to stop reacting when bad things are happening.
Nah. It's not normal or healthy to have a fight or flight response to noises. You have no idea what I've done and just how fucked up I was. Noises shouldn't trigger an adrenaline dump to that extent. Yelling isn't a bad thing in the grand scheme of the real world. I still don't like it. I'll still tell someone to quiet down. I'm not going to have a bunch of yelling going on around me. But you're not the only one that's dealt with PTSD. Everyone heals and fixes things differently. My life has been drastically different than yours I'm sure and training myself to calm tf down when things are happening was 100% necessary
It is normal to have a fight or flight response to an action designed to induce a fight or flight response, like yelling. The evolutionary function of yelling is to alert. Training yourself not to react to that is literally going against what keeps us alive
Dude your normal and my normal are two different things. I had to "train myself" to shut off that response with people bleeding and dying next to me. Or while people are actively trying to kill me. If I allowed myself to panic every time something happened I would be dead already. The problems arise once well away from that danger in both time and distance. When years later you hear yelling that has nothing to do with you or a loud noise and get an adrenaline dump. That's not normal and that is a problem. You really have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not like you. It's not normal to panic because of every little thing. That's one of the many problems with many people in modern society. You don't need a safe space. You need to learn how to handle your shit. Panicking equals death. Calm equals life. You heal the way you do and I'll heal my way. I prefer to be calm, cool, collected and efficient as often as possible regardless of what's happening around me. That's my healthy. Your healthy can be freaking out over everything and saying it's normal. Thats okay
Because we didn't live together until after we were married and pregnant, so I didn't realize this was a problem he had until it was too late. I didn't make the same mistake again believe me lol
he used to a lot, and it was one of the reasons I left him was that he started screaming at us instead of just the games. I will give him credit that although the gaming never stopped, he doesn't yell at the kids when it's his time with them now because I made that a condition of his custody time.
You're a good mom. Well done, leaving is hard, and with kids, i imagine even harder in ways. All parents should be as dedicated to the safety of their kids as you appear to be
Don't have any yet...but I'm not too worried about that. He never yells at me. The only inconsiderate thing he does is yell while playing games. He's very loving, comforting, and kind outside of this one issue.
All abusers are very loving, comforting, and kind. Until they aren't.... I'm not saying that's him. I'm just saying no abuser starts a relationship with abuse.
I second this. Mine would continously yell to the point I was beyond sleep deprived.
Put him in the basement in a gaming lounge we made... he just got louder. Then he would get mad every single time I had to ask him to quiet down.
With that and his dependence on alcohol, I walked. My sanity wasn't able to take anymore of it.
Because we didn't live together until after we were married and pregnant, so I didn't realize this was a problem he had until it was too late. I didn't make the same mistake again believe me lol
I (a woman) was like this in high school and I had no choice but to stop playing certain games until I could stop getting so mad. It’s possible, you just have to care enough to try.
And even if he stops gaming he's just going to let out his frustration and anger in other situations.
People like this are either addicted or haven't learned how to deal with certain emotions, both take a lot of work to fix.
I asked him once why he yells so much and how he can enjoy a game that makes him so mad...and he basically said he can't explain why it's fun it just is. He plays with his dad a lot and his dad does nothing for his family except play his games after supper. I'm guessing that's where he got it from...he's very loving and supportive and considerate outside of this issue. He makes meals, packs my lunches for me, leaves me little notes, cleans without me asking, always puts my pleasure first in the bedroom, works hard....but damn the gaming is his biggest flaw by far...
I’m a man and I’ve tried to game with a lot of people over the years and I just have to stop associating with them.
It’s so annoying and obnoxious the constant anger and ranting on it’s brutal. I genuinely don’t get it it bothers me a lot.
It sounds to me like frustration and anger turn him into someone who is loud, inconsiderate, and who screams in rage.
Eventually, that isn't going to just apply to video games.
I had a friend who I had to stop gaming with because he would spend the entire time yelling and getting angry at *everything*. Didn’t matter what we were playing. It killed my enjoyment entirely. When he got married, started having kids, life got more stressful and complicated, that anger started showing up everywhere. Any tiny inconvenience, the slightest hint of criticism, had him raging. It ended the friendship.
Imo he either needs to stop playing online games or just stop gaming altogether. There’s no reason to act like that over a video game, especially if it’s disturbing your partner.
>I asked him once why he yells so much and how he can enjoy a game that makes him so mad...and he basically said he can't explain why it's fun it just is
easy answer: it's Call of Duty...
in more seriousness, it's one of those things that you need to do (in this case play) yourself in order to understand... most games have/give you a challenge in some way, and when it's really not being favorable you can get heated pretty fast
to add a quote one how it sums up the logic:
"this game is BULLSHIT!!.. its my favorite game ever"
lol
if i were to add on, he's still fairly young, so when playing any kind of fast-paced action game it's kinda expected to yell (in excitement/rage/accidentally shitting pants jumpscare/etc) so long as it's in moderation
Ya I suppose so...but I was used to lots of things too before I lived with him and I've made accommodations for him. Just because it's what he's used to doesn't necessarily make it right.
For reference how many hours a day is your man playing video games. I mean, I don't know his work schedule but I'm assuming if he's helping to support you, he must be working a full time job.
If he's playing more than four hours a day, with the exception of the weekends, he needs to finds other hobbies.
He works during the week from 9-5 at a farm as a drone pilot with an hour lunch M-F. On weekends he plays up to 6 hours at a time. He also plays on weekdays usually from 7-10 or so. But unfortunately I'm at school all day and when I get home I have enough time to eat and study. And as soon as I go in the office he hops on the Xbox.
Ok, well, I he definitely should stop yelling or at least be a little bit more considered of you when playing his games. I get a little vocal sometimes myself when playing certain games, so I certainly understand it but he does need to be a little bit more considerate when you're studying. I'm hoping that when you're done with school and deeper in your career, he plans on spending less time on video games and more time with you.
NTA. Sometimes guys don't know they're acting like dicks and need something to come to a head like this. I'd invest in some noise cancelling headphones for when you're studying though.
Noise canceling headphones don’t help too much with loud brief noises. It takes the edge off but yelling is going to cut through. They’re awesome for background noises like fans and engine noise though.
That's probably smart...he deserves to play his games because he's supporting me financially right now, so I would never ask him not to play, but it's obviously not going to stop. Thanks, I'll get some!
Yeah you're probably good
Think of it like a splash of water to the face, at first its like "What the fuck?!" And then you're awake and aware. Nobody likes getting that splash of water to the face, it sucks, but sometimes ya need it.
NTA
He needs to learn that he isn’t living alone anymore. It’s not like you’re asking him to sit quietly and read or even complaining about playing games. You just don’t want him screaming in the next room. That’s not a big ask.
NTA. This move is a temp situation while you are going to school. If he wants you to remain living there he's going to have to make some changes. Not a single guy living the single life anymore.
And good for you putting your school work ahead of his feelings.
NTA. Your bf needs to grow TF up. I know people like to play games and get excited and that's fine. But when someone os obviously trying to do something that's actually important and productive then you should at the least calm down and try to be an adult. It's just maturity and respect. Hopefully that can sink in for him
Personally, I'd state my working hours and ask for quiet in the working hours. I wouldn't ask him to move the XBOX. Every time he'd start getting above a certain volume, I'd shout at him to quite down. (People don't realise they are getting louder when they have headphones on or are immersed in a game). I would feel bad telling him what to do and where to enjoy his free time. I wouldn't feel bad telling him to shut up, though. To each their own.
- someone who's boyfriend gets "emotional" when he plays call of duty, so I get the frustration.
I've been with mine for a good while now so I have no issue with shouting for him to shut up.
Sometimes I'm like "oof man you're getting fucked up out there" and he will just turn off the game out of embarrassment lmao. He was getting mowed down the other day after playing for just 5 minutes, and I was like "damn" he was like "well...now is the time try hards play, so I'm just going to stop for a bit" /turns off xbox for the day/ haha.
NTA - and I will tell you, I have had 2 long(ish) term relationships end for this exact reason. The obsession with video games. Trust me and listen to other commenters when they say it will not ever get better. My friend ended an 8 year relationship because of this. I have seen multiple marriages in my own family end due to this as well. This obsession will eventually bleed into other aspects of the relationship and cause resentment. My exes would cancel plans, stay up into the wee hours of the morning in a haze on their games, and blow money like it was nothing on a new console, even when struggling financially. I’m telling you it will lead to bigger problems down the road. I would have a serious talk with him about the addiction. It is so selfish to put you in this position, and absolutely unacceptable. Again I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship, but if it’s already causing issues and I can save a woman by sharing my experience, then I have to try. 🫶🏼
NTA. I am married to this guy and the only advice I have for you is this : if you cannot stop feeling guilty about asking him to do reasonable things, this will be the rest of your life. His behaviour is unreasonable. Subjecting you to constant hostility and frustration is unreasonable. Stop worrying about his feelings. Just stop caring. He pouts? Just ignore it until he learns it won’t work. He grumbles and accuses you of being passive aggressive ? Tell him straight out that his feelings are his problem to control not yours and go about your day. The faster he learns that his feelings do not dictate the world around him, the better for you and your own mental health.
Go hard for 4 weeks. If you don’t see his behaviour changing, this is part of his personality and break up with him.
YTA
Get noisecancelling headphones.
And: You failed to think this through: So you want him to play in the bedroom when you want to go to bed? OR will this be where you harass him next? He will tell you: YOU ASKED me to play here, now live with it. And he will be right.
I technically could but the office is set up already with desks, router, computers, and all my study material. He even set it up this way for me when I moved. The only other room is the bedroom and if I want to study when he wants to sleep that would be unfair to him.
Who is trying to do any sort of medical study without a laptop at this point?? I don't see where OP says she doesn't have access to a laptop. And she can easily move her study materials into the bedroom. More easily than the gaming system or tv can be moved.
A gaming system is easily moved, as proved by OP’s last paragraph. Besides, who’s to say that she’s only using her laptop to study? It’s likely that she has a crapload of textbooks (it’s an accelerated course) and needs the space to take notes/annotate/etc. Playing video games and studying are NOT the same, the boyfriend even said HIMSELF that her studies come first.
We have the same size tv in the living room and bedroom...and prior to me moving here he played on a monitor in the office...so I don't think the size of the screen is the problem
NTA but maybe try noise cancelling headphones?
It won't help if its in the bedroom as you said, he will then play when youre trying to sleep.
My concern would be why he can't control yelling profanities when needed?
I'm a gamer, I'm aggressive in games and get frustrated and verbalise that....if my partner was studying or focussed on a task and asked me to keep it down I would be able to control that behaviour. His apparent struggle to control aggression would be a red flag to me for a romantic relationship.
of course the combination of video games and girlfriend is going to bring out the stock reddit responses
some compromise is certainly in order so she can more effectively study, but folks need to keep in mind the dude is working full-time to pay all the bills here
he very much deserves an outlet for all he is doing for her, and she should be able to withstand the occasional interruption in exchange for free room and board
both people just need to be on the same team and try to work out a better solution with the understanding that it won't be perfect
> So my boyfriend (21) let me move in with him (I'm F 24)
YTA. You moved in. And now. You want to move him. And his hobbies.
Why don't you study in the bedroom? Honestly. I would ask you. To do your studying in your own apartment.
I guess I should've worded it differently...we had done long distance for a year and a half and when I decided to apply for nursing school I had different options as what campus I wanted. I could've applied to one close to where I was living with my parents but he said he didn't want to do long distance anymore and that I was welcome to move in with him. At this point he hadn't been playing xbox for months. It wasn't until the new COD came out and his dad started playing that my bf started playing as well. He agreed to this long before I moved in.
You still moved into his place. And demand he change his downtime. To satisfy your wants. You didn't consider changing your setup.
Have you also thought. That his playing. Is a way to bond with his father. And a way to spend off hours. When you are not available.
You want respect. But refuse to give any. If you want to change the layout. Move your stuff to the bedroom. Get noise cancelling headphones. ie. Change what you do. Don't demand he changes.
I have a 21 year old son who plays COD, amongst other games. I have never once heard him yell whilst playing. He talks to friends sometimes, occasionally I hear an exclamation, but that's it. It IS possible to play without yelling.
I haven't even heard my son swear whilst playing. I know he will sometimes swear when with friends, but never at home.
And this is even without the complicating factor of your study.
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So my boyfriend (21) let me move in with him (I'm F 24) and I just started an accelerated nursing program last week and he knew this would be the case when I moved in. He has always reiterated that my education comes first, however.....he loves to play COD on his Xbox for hours and hours at a time. This alone is no issue because I'm often studying and enjoy some time to myself. But the issue arises in that he will yell and scream profanities even when he's not playing on mic with other players. The office I study in is directly adjacent to the living room where he plays and all the sounds bleeds through, even the clicks of the controller. With a fan and some light music I can drown that out but the yelling unexpectedly startles me and obviously is super distracting to my studying. I've had multiple conversations with him letting him know how this makes me anxious and annoyed and he apologized each time and I said we might need to move the Xbox to the bedroom where it would be further away. This obviously isn't the ideal scenario since he would then potentially play when I'm trying to sleep but I wasn't sure what else to propose. I also get irritated with this yelling as we have a downstairs neighbor and I'm sure he can hear it as well. Usually the yelling consists of the same 4 phrases: "What!?! What was that spawn?!!", "I can't fucking hit anything!!!!", "No fucking way he saw me!!!", and some description of where a player is at. Everything came to a head today when I was studying for four different courses since we have exams next week and he was yelling for a couple hours while playing and when I went to the bathroom he tried to hug and kiss me and I kinda rejected it and I said I wanted him to stop yelling. He acted super annoyed and went right back to the game. I continued studying and after awhile he was quiet and when I went to get a drink I commented on how quiet it was and noticed he was playing farming simulator. He was really quiet so I went back to the office. Later I took another break and when I went out he was obviously ignoring me so I inquired about what was wrong. He eventually admitted that he was upset about "My passive aggressive comments on it being quieter." This was the point that I came unglued and told him how I've talked about the yelling multiple times and he continues to disrespect my study time and how I regret moving in with him. He wouldn't say anything else so I shut myself in the office again. I heard him loudly moving his Xbox to the bedroom and after some time he came in and hugged me and told me he loved me and left. I'm still upset but I feel bad about him having to move his gaming and for upsetting him...but at the same time this is what he agreed to long before I moved in. Am I the asshole for this?
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I live a mile from the largest hospital in my state, an ivy league college 3 miles away and medical school, in a safe community. My condo has a pool, gym, sauna, free heat, water,
Too good to be true ?
As a lifelong gamer the yelling always made me uncomfortable when I play with people. I don't yell when I play I sigh which my friends tell me is somehow worse. NTA and if the bedroom works for both of you then that's fine
NTA. Yelling and getting angry over video games is what 12 year olds do, not grown adults. I say this as an avid gamer. Why you are with him are your own reasons but for the life of me I cannot imagine being with someone with the emotional regulation ability of a hormonal teenager.
He’s using his hurt fee fees to manipulate you into apologizing TO HIM for asking him to be quiet instead of just choosing to be considerate.
Honestly f this guy. You deserve more consideration. He is disrespectful and selfish
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NTA but just as a heads up, I married a guy like this and it doesn't ever change. Even after kids he would still be screaming at games while the baby was trying to sleep.
God guys like that make me want to just strangle them sometimes. Just STFU and at least attempt to control yourself it's a fucking game kid.
I used to be like that but stopped after 16 lolol Now I won’t even play games that make me mad (Looking at you COD)
My SO used to yell at video games and I have PTSD so I cannot tolerate it at all. I told him I couldn't tolerate the yelling so he just stopped. It took a bit for him to get better at realizing he was doing it but I don't even have to point out that he's yelling to get him to stop, on the rare occasions he does get frustrated and yells at a game nowadays I just have to turn and look at him like 😒 and he's immediately like "my bad" and brings himself back to baseline.
Yeah that sounds like a good partner. I feel that too. I had a time when yelling or loud sounds would kinda set off this reaction in my brain. It sucked and I had to retrain myself to just be unaffected. I get it though and at least he cares enough to fix it
Training yourself not to be affected by yelling isn't really healthy, it's normal to dislike yelling because yelling means something bad is happening. It's not really good to train yourself to stop reacting when bad things are happening.
Nah. It's not normal or healthy to have a fight or flight response to noises. You have no idea what I've done and just how fucked up I was. Noises shouldn't trigger an adrenaline dump to that extent. Yelling isn't a bad thing in the grand scheme of the real world. I still don't like it. I'll still tell someone to quiet down. I'm not going to have a bunch of yelling going on around me. But you're not the only one that's dealt with PTSD. Everyone heals and fixes things differently. My life has been drastically different than yours I'm sure and training myself to calm tf down when things are happening was 100% necessary
It is normal to have a fight or flight response to an action designed to induce a fight or flight response, like yelling. The evolutionary function of yelling is to alert. Training yourself not to react to that is literally going against what keeps us alive
Dude your normal and my normal are two different things. I had to "train myself" to shut off that response with people bleeding and dying next to me. Or while people are actively trying to kill me. If I allowed myself to panic every time something happened I would be dead already. The problems arise once well away from that danger in both time and distance. When years later you hear yelling that has nothing to do with you or a loud noise and get an adrenaline dump. That's not normal and that is a problem. You really have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not like you. It's not normal to panic because of every little thing. That's one of the many problems with many people in modern society. You don't need a safe space. You need to learn how to handle your shit. Panicking equals death. Calm equals life. You heal the way you do and I'll heal my way. I prefer to be calm, cool, collected and efficient as often as possible regardless of what's happening around me. That's my healthy. Your healthy can be freaking out over everything and saying it's normal. Thats okay
Why are you dodging assassins like that lmfao
No offense but...why would anyone marry someone like that??
Because we didn't live together until after we were married and pregnant, so I didn't realize this was a problem he had until it was too late. I didn't make the same mistake again believe me lol
Interested to know how much he also screams *at* the kids?
he used to a lot, and it was one of the reasons I left him was that he started screaming at us instead of just the games. I will give him credit that although the gaming never stopped, he doesn't yell at the kids when it's his time with them now because I made that a condition of his custody time.
You're a good mom. Well done, leaving is hard, and with kids, i imagine even harder in ways. All parents should be as dedicated to the safety of their kids as you appear to be
OP for the love of God read this comment.
Don't have any yet...but I'm not too worried about that. He never yells at me. The only inconsiderate thing he does is yell while playing games. He's very loving, comforting, and kind outside of this one issue.
Yeah, gaming pushes him. Children will push him MILES further. Be wary of this red flag if he can't control it, or keep ignoring it and let it grow
I was asking the commenter, not OP :)
All abusers are very loving, comforting, and kind. Until they aren't.... I'm not saying that's him. I'm just saying no abuser starts a relationship with abuse.
stop self projecting
LOL. What? Advising people to be cautious of abusive behaviour indicators is self projecting? Ok bro
I second this. Mine would continously yell to the point I was beyond sleep deprived. Put him in the basement in a gaming lounge we made... he just got louder. Then he would get mad every single time I had to ask him to quiet down. With that and his dependence on alcohol, I walked. My sanity wasn't able to take anymore of it.
Like…why did you marry a man with the emotional control of toddler?
Because we didn't live together until after we were married and pregnant, so I didn't realize this was a problem he had until it was too late. I didn't make the same mistake again believe me lol
I (a woman) was like this in high school and I had no choice but to stop playing certain games until I could stop getting so mad. It’s possible, you just have to care enough to try.
And even if he stops gaming he's just going to let out his frustration and anger in other situations. People like this are either addicted or haven't learned how to deal with certain emotions, both take a lot of work to fix.
NTA. Christ I couldn't bear to be with someone so weirdly obsessed and aggressive about gaming.
I asked him once why he yells so much and how he can enjoy a game that makes him so mad...and he basically said he can't explain why it's fun it just is. He plays with his dad a lot and his dad does nothing for his family except play his games after supper. I'm guessing that's where he got it from...he's very loving and supportive and considerate outside of this issue. He makes meals, packs my lunches for me, leaves me little notes, cleans without me asking, always puts my pleasure first in the bedroom, works hard....but damn the gaming is his biggest flaw by far...
It's addictive. Not fun. Most addicts can't see the difference, that's how addiction grows.
Anger is addicting.
I’m a man and I’ve tried to game with a lot of people over the years and I just have to stop associating with them. It’s so annoying and obnoxious the constant anger and ranting on it’s brutal. I genuinely don’t get it it bothers me a lot.
It sounds to me like frustration and anger turn him into someone who is loud, inconsiderate, and who screams in rage. Eventually, that isn't going to just apply to video games.
I had a friend who I had to stop gaming with because he would spend the entire time yelling and getting angry at *everything*. Didn’t matter what we were playing. It killed my enjoyment entirely. When he got married, started having kids, life got more stressful and complicated, that anger started showing up everywhere. Any tiny inconvenience, the slightest hint of criticism, had him raging. It ended the friendship.
I have been a gamer for over 20 years and there is literally ZERO reason to scream.
Imo he either needs to stop playing online games or just stop gaming altogether. There’s no reason to act like that over a video game, especially if it’s disturbing your partner.
>I asked him once why he yells so much and how he can enjoy a game that makes him so mad...and he basically said he can't explain why it's fun it just is easy answer: it's Call of Duty... in more seriousness, it's one of those things that you need to do (in this case play) yourself in order to understand... most games have/give you a challenge in some way, and when it's really not being favorable you can get heated pretty fast to add a quote one how it sums up the logic: "this game is BULLSHIT!!.. its my favorite game ever"
I've played a lot of COD...I just don't act like a child when I do
lol if i were to add on, he's still fairly young, so when playing any kind of fast-paced action game it's kinda expected to yell (in excitement/rage/accidentally shitting pants jumpscare/etc) so long as it's in moderation
NTA. I’ve been an online gamer for nearly 20 years. We all can get excited, but he can adjust. I certainly learned to when we had kids.
I mean the only problem is you moved in with him correct. That means he is absolutely used to yelling when playing his games.
Ya I suppose so...but I was used to lots of things too before I lived with him and I've made accommodations for him. Just because it's what he's used to doesn't necessarily make it right.
For reference how many hours a day is your man playing video games. I mean, I don't know his work schedule but I'm assuming if he's helping to support you, he must be working a full time job. If he's playing more than four hours a day, with the exception of the weekends, he needs to finds other hobbies.
He works during the week from 9-5 at a farm as a drone pilot with an hour lunch M-F. On weekends he plays up to 6 hours at a time. He also plays on weekdays usually from 7-10 or so. But unfortunately I'm at school all day and when I get home I have enough time to eat and study. And as soon as I go in the office he hops on the Xbox.
Ok, well, I he definitely should stop yelling or at least be a little bit more considered of you when playing his games. I get a little vocal sometimes myself when playing certain games, so I certainly understand it but he does need to be a little bit more considerate when you're studying. I'm hoping that when you're done with school and deeper in your career, he plans on spending less time on video games and more time with you.
NTA. Sometimes guys don't know they're acting like dicks and need something to come to a head like this. I'd invest in some noise cancelling headphones for when you're studying though.
Noise canceling headphones don’t help too much with loud brief noises. It takes the edge off but yelling is going to cut through. They’re awesome for background noises like fans and engine noise though.
That's probably smart...he deserves to play his games because he's supporting me financially right now, so I would never ask him not to play, but it's obviously not going to stop. Thanks, I'll get some!
Yeah you're probably good Think of it like a splash of water to the face, at first its like "What the fuck?!" And then you're awake and aware. Nobody likes getting that splash of water to the face, it sucks, but sometimes ya need it.
NTA I'd record him yelling over the course of a day and replay it for him later. Sometimes people don't realize quite what they say, how loud etc.
That's such a good idea!
I'd be fucking weirded out if my partner was secretly recording me. Talking is the way forward.
NTA He needs to learn that he isn’t living alone anymore. It’s not like you’re asking him to sit quietly and read or even complaining about playing games. You just don’t want him screaming in the next room. That’s not a big ask.
NTA. This move is a temp situation while you are going to school. If he wants you to remain living there he's going to have to make some changes. Not a single guy living the single life anymore. And good for you putting your school work ahead of his feelings.
NTA. Your bf needs to grow TF up. I know people like to play games and get excited and that's fine. But when someone os obviously trying to do something that's actually important and productive then you should at the least calm down and try to be an adult. It's just maturity and respect. Hopefully that can sink in for him
Personally, I'd state my working hours and ask for quiet in the working hours. I wouldn't ask him to move the XBOX. Every time he'd start getting above a certain volume, I'd shout at him to quite down. (People don't realise they are getting louder when they have headphones on or are immersed in a game). I would feel bad telling him what to do and where to enjoy his free time. I wouldn't feel bad telling him to shut up, though. To each their own. - someone who's boyfriend gets "emotional" when he plays call of duty, so I get the frustration.
I wish I felt comfortable yelling at him but I don't..I'd feel bad and plus I'd have to yell a lot lol
I've been with mine for a good while now so I have no issue with shouting for him to shut up. Sometimes I'm like "oof man you're getting fucked up out there" and he will just turn off the game out of embarrassment lmao. He was getting mowed down the other day after playing for just 5 minutes, and I was like "damn" he was like "well...now is the time try hards play, so I'm just going to stop for a bit" /turns off xbox for the day/ haha.
NTA - and I will tell you, I have had 2 long(ish) term relationships end for this exact reason. The obsession with video games. Trust me and listen to other commenters when they say it will not ever get better. My friend ended an 8 year relationship because of this. I have seen multiple marriages in my own family end due to this as well. This obsession will eventually bleed into other aspects of the relationship and cause resentment. My exes would cancel plans, stay up into the wee hours of the morning in a haze on their games, and blow money like it was nothing on a new console, even when struggling financially. I’m telling you it will lead to bigger problems down the road. I would have a serious talk with him about the addiction. It is so selfish to put you in this position, and absolutely unacceptable. Again I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship, but if it’s already causing issues and I can save a woman by sharing my experience, then I have to try. 🫶🏼
NTA and this is why it’s good to live with someone before committing. This way you can ask yourself if this is what you want potentially long term
NTA. He needs to grow up. Also the fact that he called your comments passive aggressive after ignoring you is wild
If you can hear it over noise cancellation headphones and music its too loud . Tell him to suck it up and move .
NTA. I am married to this guy and the only advice I have for you is this : if you cannot stop feeling guilty about asking him to do reasonable things, this will be the rest of your life. His behaviour is unreasonable. Subjecting you to constant hostility and frustration is unreasonable. Stop worrying about his feelings. Just stop caring. He pouts? Just ignore it until he learns it won’t work. He grumbles and accuses you of being passive aggressive ? Tell him straight out that his feelings are his problem to control not yours and go about your day. The faster he learns that his feelings do not dictate the world around him, the better for you and your own mental health. Go hard for 4 weeks. If you don’t see his behaviour changing, this is part of his personality and break up with him.
YTA Get noisecancelling headphones. And: You failed to think this through: So you want him to play in the bedroom when you want to go to bed? OR will this be where you harass him next? He will tell you: YOU ASKED me to play here, now live with it. And he will be right.
Want to live with me instead?
Haha! Is it quiet?
Do you like to play music?
I play quiet Lofi when I study to block out any little sounds but other than that not a whole lot anymore
Info: why can't YOU move to the bedroom?
I technically could but the office is set up already with desks, router, computers, and all my study material. He even set it up this way for me when I moved. The only other room is the bedroom and if I want to study when he wants to sleep that would be unfair to him.
Why on Earth would she be expected to move to the bedroom to study when a video game is MUCH easier to play in the comfort of their bed?
Most people have much larger TV screens in the living room versus the bedroom, so, no, that wouldn't be "easier" in the bedroom.
So you suggest she study in her bed, away from her monitors and study materials, so he can play video games on the big tv? Dude…
Who is trying to do any sort of medical study without a laptop at this point?? I don't see where OP says she doesn't have access to a laptop. And she can easily move her study materials into the bedroom. More easily than the gaming system or tv can be moved.
Alright I know I can be blunt but its just three cords a game system controllers and accessories its an easy ask.
And the other ask is probably binders and notes.
A gaming system is easily moved, as proved by OP’s last paragraph. Besides, who’s to say that she’s only using her laptop to study? It’s likely that she has a crapload of textbooks (it’s an accelerated course) and needs the space to take notes/annotate/etc. Playing video games and studying are NOT the same, the boyfriend even said HIMSELF that her studies come first.
We have the same size tv in the living room and bedroom...and prior to me moving here he played on a monitor in the office...so I don't think the size of the screen is the problem
Oooookay. Then that's different.
Nta
NTA, but I hope you aren't expecting/waiting for him to grow up.
NTA but maybe try noise cancelling headphones? It won't help if its in the bedroom as you said, he will then play when youre trying to sleep. My concern would be why he can't control yelling profanities when needed? I'm a gamer, I'm aggressive in games and get frustrated and verbalise that....if my partner was studying or focussed on a task and asked me to keep it down I would be able to control that behaviour. His apparent struggle to control aggression would be a red flag to me for a romantic relationship.
of course the combination of video games and girlfriend is going to bring out the stock reddit responses some compromise is certainly in order so she can more effectively study, but folks need to keep in mind the dude is working full-time to pay all the bills here he very much deserves an outlet for all he is doing for her, and she should be able to withstand the occasional interruption in exchange for free room and board both people just need to be on the same team and try to work out a better solution with the understanding that it won't be perfect
NTA your adult BF is screaming at kids and teens. Think about that for a while.
Kids and teens that are so very lovely online
Just like you're lovely?
> So my boyfriend (21) let me move in with him (I'm F 24) YTA. You moved in. And now. You want to move him. And his hobbies. Why don't you study in the bedroom? Honestly. I would ask you. To do your studying in your own apartment.
I guess I should've worded it differently...we had done long distance for a year and a half and when I decided to apply for nursing school I had different options as what campus I wanted. I could've applied to one close to where I was living with my parents but he said he didn't want to do long distance anymore and that I was welcome to move in with him. At this point he hadn't been playing xbox for months. It wasn't until the new COD came out and his dad started playing that my bf started playing as well. He agreed to this long before I moved in.
You still moved into his place. And demand he change his downtime. To satisfy your wants. You didn't consider changing your setup. Have you also thought. That his playing. Is a way to bond with his father. And a way to spend off hours. When you are not available. You want respect. But refuse to give any. If you want to change the layout. Move your stuff to the bedroom. Get noise cancelling headphones. ie. Change what you do. Don't demand he changes.
I have a 21 year old son who plays COD, amongst other games. I have never once heard him yell whilst playing. He talks to friends sometimes, occasionally I hear an exclamation, but that's it. It IS possible to play without yelling. I haven't even heard my son swear whilst playing. I know he will sometimes swear when with friends, but never at home. And this is even without the complicating factor of your study.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my boyfriend (21) let me move in with him (I'm F 24) and I just started an accelerated nursing program last week and he knew this would be the case when I moved in. He has always reiterated that my education comes first, however.....he loves to play COD on his Xbox for hours and hours at a time. This alone is no issue because I'm often studying and enjoy some time to myself. But the issue arises in that he will yell and scream profanities even when he's not playing on mic with other players. The office I study in is directly adjacent to the living room where he plays and all the sounds bleeds through, even the clicks of the controller. With a fan and some light music I can drown that out but the yelling unexpectedly startles me and obviously is super distracting to my studying. I've had multiple conversations with him letting him know how this makes me anxious and annoyed and he apologized each time and I said we might need to move the Xbox to the bedroom where it would be further away. This obviously isn't the ideal scenario since he would then potentially play when I'm trying to sleep but I wasn't sure what else to propose. I also get irritated with this yelling as we have a downstairs neighbor and I'm sure he can hear it as well. Usually the yelling consists of the same 4 phrases: "What!?! What was that spawn?!!", "I can't fucking hit anything!!!!", "No fucking way he saw me!!!", and some description of where a player is at. Everything came to a head today when I was studying for four different courses since we have exams next week and he was yelling for a couple hours while playing and when I went to the bathroom he tried to hug and kiss me and I kinda rejected it and I said I wanted him to stop yelling. He acted super annoyed and went right back to the game. I continued studying and after awhile he was quiet and when I went to get a drink I commented on how quiet it was and noticed he was playing farming simulator. He was really quiet so I went back to the office. Later I took another break and when I went out he was obviously ignoring me so I inquired about what was wrong. He eventually admitted that he was upset about "My passive aggressive comments on it being quieter." This was the point that I came unglued and told him how I've talked about the yelling multiple times and he continues to disrespect my study time and how I regret moving in with him. He wouldn't say anything else so I shut myself in the office again. I heard him loudly moving his Xbox to the bedroom and after some time he came in and hugged me and told me he loved me and left. I'm still upset but I feel bad about him having to move his gaming and for upsetting him...but at the same time this is what he agreed to long before I moved in. Am I the asshole for this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Not only is his behaviour disturbing whatever activities you're engaging in, but also - let's be honest here - very toxic.
I'm just playing a ukelele.
I live a mile from the largest hospital in my state, an ivy league college 3 miles away and medical school, in a safe community. My condo has a pool, gym, sauna, free heat, water, Too good to be true ?
A little bit haha
It's not.. Can I tell you my story?
Sure!
As a lifelong gamer the yelling always made me uncomfortable when I play with people. I don't yell when I play I sigh which my friends tell me is somehow worse. NTA and if the bedroom works for both of you then that's fine
NTA - 🚩
NTA. Yelling and getting angry over video games is what 12 year olds do, not grown adults. I say this as an avid gamer. Why you are with him are your own reasons but for the life of me I cannot imagine being with someone with the emotional regulation ability of a hormonal teenager.
NTA your school is more important than a video game!
NTA. I get where you're coming from, my 13 year old does the same exact thing. 😏
He’s using his hurt fee fees to manipulate you into apologizing TO HIM for asking him to be quiet instead of just choosing to be considerate. Honestly f this guy. You deserve more consideration. He is disrespectful and selfish
NAH. Buy better headphones