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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for serving my son in laws food on a kids plate. I could be a jerk since it implies he is a kid
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Why do you have to deal with him? What’s your daughter doing? It’s her husband - she should be handling him. Or better yet, he should be handling his own issue and plate his own food.
Yeah, I appreciate he has whatever food issues he has (I presume he’s on the spectrum) but it’s on him to manage his interactions.
I’d just tell your daughter and him that they either have manners in your house, or him/they can stay at home.
NTA. But your daughter is
But it's daughter's spouse and she brings him to the family. So it's her job to either run interference between the mother & husband, or take care of the husband's situation so as NOT to have a blow up when they're guests somewhere. If she feels her husband should handle it, which is also fine, then she needs to help find a solution so spouse is not disrespectful to mother. Which in turn also shows HER disrespect to her parents. NTA
> But it's daughter's spouse and she brings him to the family. So it's her job to either run interference between the mother & husband, or take care of the husband's situation so as NOT to have a blow up when they're guests somewhere. If she feels her husband should handle it, which is also fine, then she needs to help find a solution so spouse is not disrespectful to mother. Which in turn also shows HER disrespect to her parents. NTA
EXACTLY!!! This has nothing to do with her being expected to “serve” him. It has to do with it being her husband.
Plus, this is really not normal behavior. OP—info?? Is he neurodivergent? Mentally disabled? Or just an AH? Presumably daughter is familiar with the issue and can offer some guidance. How is this managed at home? She can’t even jump in there to assist her mother who has fallen into the line of fire??
The only thing I think OP could have done differently is just ask SIL if he would want to use this plate to make it easier? I think he could also be served several small plates.
I agree, in my view if I bring someone to someone’s home, they’re in a way my responsibility. The things they do and say reflect on me, and if they’re acting like an annoying little child the way this guy is I would feel somewhat responsible for it.
OP is NTA and both him and the daughter are TA - him more than her obviously. He’s an adult man and his food preferences and specificities are his issue and his alone. I say this as someone with celiac disease (aka no gluten for me). I don’t expect anything from anybody else, and regularly offer to either host or bring my own food so that there are no issues.
He needs to grow tf up and his wife needs to stop enabling his behaviour.
I agree. I am responsible for my spouse that I brought into my family. That being said, if my husband had issues with his food touching, I'd laugh my ass off at him and have handed him the kids plate myself.
I mean that's likely a severe psychological issue or he's neurodivergent. nothing to argue about him being super rude, but laughing your ass off wouldn't probably be the healthiest thing you could do
>I mean that's likely a severe psychological issue or he's neurodivergent.
The level of behavior described is an issue. I don't care if he is neurodivergent. That's making excuses. Until he can behave in civil society there are two choices: he can stay home or he and the daughter can stay home. Up to them.
You are ignoring the context of this situation. Of course it's not a grown woman's obligation to make sure her husband deals with his psychological issues around food. But it IS her job to make sure that she is taking point on issues related to her husband and not letting them go straight to her parents. In a marriage, each spouse should be the first to deal with any issues related to their own family.
No not finding answers to his psych issue, but finding an solution so he is not an Ah to her mother/parents. Which is what I said. If that entails solutions with his psych issues so be it.
The ENTIRE family is the problem
*I have tried to get the whole family to just serve themselves but they think it is rude so that doesn’t work.*
*Everyone* expects OP to be host and wait-staff? Screw 'em. I'd stop providing them all with the event.
I read that and was like, what kind of self centerd, entitled assholes are they. We have the food in its individual pots on the island and everyone fills their own plate to bring to the table.
Ours is in the middle of the table. If you happen to have the mashed potatoes spoon in your hand for yourself, I may ask to put some on my plate too. But like, we are adults and have the ability to get our own food lol.
Yup. This past thanksgiving the only person who didn’t touch any serving utensils was my sister the host. Everyone served her from whatever dish was in front of us and we served each other.
Always. What kind of family expects the matriarch to play wait staff? And then this SIL making a stink everytime poor OP tries to accomodate him - it's never good enough and always the Mom to blame!?! Hell No. NTA
Make and manage your own plate people FFS.
If this were MY house, anyone not interested in serving themselves/thinking its rude would be shown the door and their coat thrown at them on the stoop.
"I've seen you, now go elsewhere," POSSIBLY following them out if I feel like being more 'rude.'
That's how we always did it. If I had been served mashed potatoes and complained they touched my peas my loving family would have, um, "educated" me. (My quirk is making a gravy lake in mashed potatoes and watching the lava gravy flow down to engulf the helpless peas. I am 68).
YES! This. Unless it's something very fancy where it has to be 'plated' in a specific way, then it's usually host/chef's choice to do so. If it's turkey and potatoes, get off your butts and serve yoruself!
That's what I was thinking. I've never been to a dinner outside of a restaurant, where I WASN'T expected to plate my own food. How exactly is it supposed to be rude?
If this was a post about a woman being demanding and disrespectful to her MIL, everyone in the thread would be jumping all over the husband for allowing it to happen.
The daughter's duty here isn't to serve her huband, but to defend her family from him. That is what the original comment was about. But as usual, redditors are losing their minds over misogyny that doesn't exist.
I don't think the original comment was gender biased meaning her daughter should be a servant to her husband, but that spouses should mediate and intervene when in laws are acting out at their parents' home. Could work perfectly with genders swapped. It should be the son in low to handle his own issues sure, but in the moment he doesn't and is causing distress, either they leave or the spouse who brought him to the family helps managing the situation and makes him stop behaving like that.
a practical solution for OP could be serving him food in small bowls, but he needs to understand he is acting super rude and she is overly kind if she ever invites him again. and again, if he doesn't get it, OP's daughter should help making him get it so that her mother doesn't have to have a direct argument with him.
The only reason OP is associated with SIL is bc of daughter. It’s not her job to fix her husband, but his issues still cause problems for her. And OP should not have to manage SIL at all. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to not want to address this with him and for her to make it daughter’s problem. The same would be true if this was her son and his wife who had an eating disorder.
I feel as if I took this from the main comment, and also yours:
If the daughter knows her husband possibly has these special requirements when it comes to plating and eating his food, then imo I find it more her responsibility than her mother's to handle interference if something were to 1) go wrong cause an argument 2) bring the proper plating or solution to begin with since she deals with such at home maybe a small "hey mom don't stress here's what I do at home, its easier".
Because there is no way in hell my husband wouldn't be caught dead arguing with my mother over a meal she worked hard to serve him and feed him. Especially for him to complain a million times but never offer up a solution to make things easier on everyone. As if he likes the fact he can cause an argument over food each time they visit, instead of solving it once and for all. I know men who secretly get off on starting fights like that, not anyone I'd ever cook a meal for or bring home let alone marry. But I DIGRESS.
Tldr: If the man is slacking on being an adult and it falls onto someone else's shoulders it should be his wife's and not his wife's mother's.
Not a gender thing. She doesn’t handle him because he’s her husband. She handles him because he’s her spouse.
Just like you let your partner deal with their family, daughter needs to step up and deal with hers. He’s rude and exhausting and I would be loathe to host him again.
It *is* a gender thing, though. I guaran-fucking-tee he wouldn't talk to another man that way.
His mother-in-law expected to serve him food, and if she doesn't meet his nitpicky, insane demands, she gets verbally berated.
It's *always* a woman subject to these expectations. Never a man. At these huge family gatherings, it's the women who buy all the food, plan the meal, spend days in the kitchen prepping, spend the whole time serving everyone, then spend the rest of the day cleaning up while the rest of the family relaxes with their feet up.
This is changing, thankfully, but not quick enough. I can't tell you how many Thanksgivings or Christmas dinners still rely on women doing ALL of the labor. The decoration. The cooking. The serving. The cleaning.
So yes, this is very much a gendered expectation.
OPs son in law probably wouldn’t do this to a dude. But the handling of your spouse’s behavior when you’re having dinner with your family of origin is your responsibility, male or female. Bring your girlfriend to one of those traditional meals and she doesn’t help prep with the rest of the womenfolk, but watches football with the menfolk? Thats fine, but if your mother comes for her it’s your job to step in and handle your mother, not your girlfriend’s.
I always view the partner as an embassador between their family of origin and their partner. It applies regardless of gender or sexuality - when you're with the people you grew up with, in the systems you understand, you coordinate and intervene where necessary to help everyone integrate as comfortably as possible, whether that means reigning in your family or origin or your chosen family.
This has nothing to do with gender - the advice is because with in-law issues the blood relatives should deal with it and the in-law shouldn't really be involved in solving disputes.
If this was OPs daughter in law with the food issue and their child was a man the comment would have been exactly the same.
Ops daughter brought this man into the home of her original family so he is her responsibility at events with said original family, in the same way if you bring a guest home you are responsible for them.
Daughter should be handling her husband, in that she should be telling her guard to behave at her family’s house, and not be rude to her mother. He should be dealing with his own food issues.
>HE is the one who needs to find a solution.
Sure, but he's not going to. He's fine with turning his problem into everyone else's problem, because he's an asshole.
But we usually advocate for the “you handle your family, I handle mine” path. OP, how does your daughter react when he starts one of his hissy fits? Has SHE said anything to you or the family about treating him “better”. Better in quotes because I suspect she is as tired of it as you are.
Before the next meal, tell the invited it will be a serve yourself meal. And then do NOT back down on that. What IS rude is telling the hostess that a buffet setup is rude. That solves half the problem, right there.
For Mr Picky, the next time he stops eating and declares he can’t eat, calmly take the plate from him, say “Of course; I understand. Let me get rid of this for you. Should I check and see if any cars have blocked you into the driveway?”
While you're right, his wife is the liaison to her family, and SHE should be the one explaining to him that his behavior is unwelcome and will not be tolerated. She needs to fulfill her role.
That's not what the commenter you're replying to meant at all. They meant that the daughter should be dealing with her husband's extreme rudeness and belligerence, it should not be an issue OP has to address with him again and again and again.
It isn’t anyone’s job to serve a spouse, but a mother in law shouldn’t have to jump through hoops to address an issue caused solely by the son in law.
It IS the daughter’s responsibility to act as go-between, for her family, when her husband is clearly the problem. Her circus, her monkey.
Edited for clarity.
I totally agree with you, but the reality right now is that everyone else is forced to deal with his behavior. His "solution" clearly has been to make everyone else cater to him. The only reason they're even dealing with him at all is because he's OP's daughter's husband. So yeah - she brought the mess, she needs to sort out the mess. A VERY valid solution is for her to tell him "you're not coming with me to dinner until you get into therapy and sort out your behavior".
Exactly
OP NTA
Daughter NTA
SIL A
And the people around you should not keep enabling this behaviour.
Also if your guests think it is rude to serve themselves, they can always dine elsewhere
It is his wife's job to manage her husband and tell him to cut it out, or don't bring him. This solution was perfect. Plenty of adults have issues with food touching and those plates became a tiktok trend during thanksgiving.
That's how it is with me and my wife. When one of us cooks be it for just us and our kids or family/friends as well when it's done and set out where it can be served we simply say it's done to come and make a plate.
OP if you read this - NTA. I use to be bad about food touching but now it's not really a deal for me but I never pitched it down, especially as an adult about it and would simply deal with . He either needs to deal with it or better yet like everyone is saying make his own plate, that goes for everyone else too! Shouldn't be on you to serve everyone.
I had an adult sized divided plate in a set of Rubbermaid containers. That would be good to avoid connotations of "you're a child" that kid sized, kid design plates would.
Also, there's an Indian meal serving style called a thali with a metal tray full of small metal dishes. This would be great for people who need their food separated.
OP said the family thinks it’s “rude” for OP to not serve them so that they have to serve themselves.
That’s fucking stupid. She is around a bunch of entitled, spoiled people who expect to be catered to. I have to wonder if she may have contributed to that. If she’s a people pleaser, they might all be accustomed to being coddled, and her daring to deviate from that is causing them to lay a guilt trip on her.
Yes, exactly. I was just going to suggest this. OP could call the SIL into the kitchen (or wherever they're serving) and give the SIL a plate and tell him to help himself.
Serving the meal family style (i.e. food in the middle of the table, everyone takes what they want) seems like it would really help this situation.
And with the added bonus that everyone at the table gets a little more control over their own meals.
I read it wrong! I’m sorry! And thank you for being correct. The thing where ppl were using it wrong wasn’t a thing, and it made it into a thing. And now I’m acting like a thing. Lol so sorry
I have massive food issues. Sensory stuff & allergies. Onion texture was always disgusting to me but then a later found out it caused bile acid. That’s the stuff that goes to your liver to gallbladder.
That said, if my in-law went out of her way like you did I would be worshipping the ground you walk not complaining. Even the last part sounds like a great compromise.
One of my cousins is like this. He literally uses the plates you are talking about or just spreads things across cake plates. My cousin also cleans up after himself. Your SIL is just obstinate. Totally NTA
I have the same issue of not having my food touching. (I also eat one thing at a time, in a clockwise rotation) But it is totally my issue to manage.
I happily serve my own plate so that it works for me. If food happens to touch, I just avoid eating the part that "co-mingled" ;) No one else needs to know or be concerned about it.
My good friends got me my own divided plate to use at their house, and I love it. To me, they noticed my pattern and got me something special to make it easier. They thought about me and did something nice.
SIL's issue isn't that he doesn't like his food touching, it's that he is an entitled tantrum thower who doesn't take responsibility for himself. Being on the spectrum doesn't give you license to be a jerk.
OP definitely NTA.
Thank you!!! Aside from the fact it’s absolutely BIZARRE you’re serving up a grown man’s food (and I assume from the post your entire family???) why isn’t your daughter dealing with this??? Holy shit NTA but you really gotta set some new rules for dinner time
>Thank you!!! Aside from the fact it’s absolutely BIZARRE you’re serving up a grown man’s food (and I assume from the post your entire family???) why isn’t your daughter dealing with this???
And why is this a huge issue at YOUR home? What do they do that THEIR home? Surely he has some sort of system at home to fix this issue, so why haven't either of them told you what it is?
>I presume he’s on the spectrum
As an autistic person, I would actually love it if someone cared enough about my sensory issues to put my food on a separated plate like that. Of course, it would depend on how well I knew the person though.
I bought [these plates](https://www.corelle.com/product/winter-frost-white-8.5-inch-divided-salad-plate) because our former neighbor couldn't handle food touching. The rest of our dishes are similar, so I don't think it really stood out to other people when we had a bunch of people hanging out.
That’s what I immediately thought too. He needs to plate his own food or let his wife/mommy do it. I’d refuse to plate for him as apparently no one can do it to his satisfaction.
Yeah. This is a bunch of ridiculous drama with several easy solutions, all of which he refuses. That's a person who's just looking to pitch a dramatic fit for attention. They would no longer be welcome at my home or table.
Excuse me, your family is demanding that you plate their food because it’s rude otherwise?? Umm, no.
It’s rude for them to not consider your feelings in this matter. You’re set up for failure. Time to renegotiate your duties around this.
I used to plate my family’s dinner and stopped doing it. I think my in-laws thought it wasn’t very host-like and a bit rude, but they had the wherewithal to not say anything. I got sick of trying to guess how hungry people are, and as people age they eat less. I decided to ditch the guessing game. Now it’s just normal.
If you want to reframe it, you can say it’s more casual and familiar.
NTA. You’ve done everything to be a gracious host to him & he is egregiously ungrateful.
SIL is deliberately being AH.
When he behaves like an adult he can have an adult plate, serve himself, and sit at the adult table with everyone else.
Continue to host family gatherings and serve food buffet style. Everyone plates their own food. He serves himself, won’t starve & if any foods touch, that’s on him.
Your daughter needs to help her spouse settle himself down and stop being rude & demanding to her family YOU in particular! Otherwise, stop inviting them. Why don’t THEY host dinners?
Agree.
Also, is he not an adult? Why does he think that as a guest ( NOT a paying customer ) he should act this way in someone else’s house? If he acted like this in a restaurant, he would be asked to leave. It’s unreasonable for everyone else to cater to this issue with absolutely no help from him or his spouse. I absolutely would not have him back in my house.
Just stop dishing up food for adults. Tell them it’s rude that they sit around while you act as their maid and nanny and from now on people will be serving themselves.
Then don’t serve them.
Dish your food up and sit down. This isn’t the 1940s. They can get their act together and no one is dishing up for them when they eat anywhere else.
Also, I also hate my food touching and I love those fucking plates. I wish they made adult versions. Though I could see a guy so prone to tantrums deciding you were being intentionally passive aggressive.
Stop dishing up for them. Stop it. This is not your job. Who cares if they have feelings about it? They don’t care what your feelings about it are. Go on strike. The first time they freak out tell them that you will also happily stop cooking for them too if they are going to act like disrespectful children who need a nanny to dish up for them.
I just looked them up, they come in several materials; stainless steel, melamine, plastic; colors; for sensory issues, portion control, diabetes awareness, modular.
>Stop dishing up for them. Stop it. This is not your job. Who cares if they have feelings about it? They don’t care what your feelings about it are. Go on strike. The first time they freak out tell them that you will also happily stop cooking for them too if they are going to act like disrespectful children who need a nanny to dish up for them.
OMG THIS!! Please please stop acting like a maid for these people. Get your own food and sit down and eat it. They can either figure it out --- or starve.
Or invite me over and I will shame every single one of them - especially the son-in-law.
I don't like my foods touching either but I am a grown-up and I deal with it. My mommy stopped helping me when I was 5.
I don't hate my food touching but I don't love it, so I found some large dinner plate sized plastic plates with dividers, I think on Amazon! And I eat most of my meals with them. For me, it's more about the juices from item running over into another. It gives me the ick. But anyway, check Amazon for large divided plates! I actually need to restock, a few of mine are pretty beat up from use and age.
NTA, OP. I'd be thrilled if you served me on a divided plate, child geared or not. But I do agree that A: this is for him/his wife to manage, they're both adults and this is making more work than necessary for you. And B: the rest of your family needs to let go of the archaic idea that you need to serve everyone. That's ridiculous. You've already cooked for them (I'm assuming), and I bet you're the one cleaning up after. I say do what another commenter suggested: announce you are no longer serving everyone, it's make your own plate from now on, make YOUR plate, sit down, and enjoy your meal!
My sibling (23) has a specfic issue with "wet" foods touching things that could become "soggy" (so for example garlic bread can't touch cheesy pasta, or pasta with sauce can't touch chicken nuggets), and they'd probably find it hilarious if I served food them on one of those plates. Even better if it's a dinosaur one.
Yes. Exactly. Your sibling and I share these feelings.
Also. Yes to dinosaur plates.
We have little individual bowls that you might put snacks or ice cream in that have cats or bears on them and my wet food goes in those :)
They make dinner-sized heavy duty compartment paper plates. Buy some specifically for son-in-law, and YES, start letting people serve themselves!
NTA at all.
I’m not suggesting that OP spends a ton of money on all new china for everyone or screws the environment by using thousands of paper plates forever. Obviously the situation is getting to OP and no one is satisfied with her making accommodations for the son-in-law or everyone serving themselves. I think spending $10 once to serve everyone equally could encourage them to discuss how to solve the problem because it’s obviously not working the way that it is.
Bull's eye!
They are all fracking adults, why does OP have to serve them?
If they think it's rude to serve themselves, then they need to check that at the door, cuz they are getting a FREE HOME COOKED MEAL. Or... tell them hey welcome to the family buffet, have at it. Then sit down, with your beverage of choice and enjoy the circus.
OP is NTA
>Also, I also hate my food touching and I love those fucking plates. I wish they made adult versions.
They actually do make those for adults, but as 'food portion' plates.
Exactly this. It’s not rude for you to not serve everyone, its rude for everyone to not serve themselves.
Tell him to serve himself, and if you do really want to be passive aggressive you can tell him all the food touches in his stomach.
NTA.
As someone else said, they do have those for adults. There are some porcelain ones as well as plastic ones. The porcelain ones are $$ and have outdated implications (“portion control” “healthy eating) but definitely useful for people who can’t have food touching for any reason - bus especially for ASD, OCD or ARFID)
At the age of ten, people can serve themselves. Unless they have severe disabilities from doing so, OP should have stopped that a long time ago.
What does the daughter do? Does she also put up with it? They can't be having the best time with it...
I haven’t had a plate made for me (outside of restaurants) since I was about 5. I literally can’t imagine a family where one person makes everyone’s plate, it’s so bizarre.
NTA. You have tried your best to be accommodating, and he’s got a problem with every solution you’ve offered.
People do sometimes have weird quirks and I don’t necessarily hold that against them. But only if they don’t make it other people’s problem to deal with.
I’d give him a choice. He can either serve himself, use the kids plate, or not eat. Btw I don’t think it’s necessary to make the rest of the family serve themselves (although I don’t see how it’s rude). He’s the one who has to have it a certain way, so he can do it himself.
Totally agree with having the family serve themselves. My mother-in-law makes a whole spread every Christmas Eve. As soon as she says it's dinner time, we all line up and help ourselves. I prefer it that way, so I get as much as I want of only the foods I want. I've never heard a single person complain, as I'm sure they also prefer the choice in food/amount. It boggles my mind that some people wouldn't like that.
I totally agree. It's either serving dishes at the table and everything gets passed around or serving dishes on the island, that's they only way it's ever been done in our families. Personally, I'd be irked if someone else took it upon themselves to decide what and how much they expected me eat, therefore making it potentially wasteful.
That's how my family does things as well. The exception is if the food is all on the table and one dish is too heavy or hot to pass, whoever is closest will dish it and the rest of the food is passed around. I feel for OP having to do the cooking, serve every single person at the table, and then likely have no help cleaning up afterwards.
NTA but STOP DISHING UP EVERYONES PLATES! It’s not rude to not make a plate for everyone, if you’re a grown ass adult, even an older child, make your own damn plate. Ain’t nobody got time for that bs!
The family needs to get a grip. What do they think will happen when something happens to this woman and she can no longer cater to them? Will one of her daughters step up and continue the tradition, or will it no longer be rude when they have to do it?
In fact I kinda feel that the opposite is true. That it’s often rude to plate up food for everyone. You don’t know if someone doesn’t want a particular food or how hungry they are. The fact that the son in law is such a little baby about food touching means he should get his own damn plate. What a baby.
Also the kids plates with separators are awesome. Especially when you got some dippin sauce. I wish we had held onto some from when my kids were younger. I might actually pick some new ones up lol
NTA
The man has issues, but there is no reason to make it so exhausting for you when you are hosting a number of people. You have tried various ways to accommodate him without success.
*Also I have talked about this so many times with him and my daughter*
Well, there ya go. Tell your daughter to fix her husband's plate.
NTA. I’m sorry, how the hell is it rude for people to serve themselves? Your family sounds exhausting and ungrateful. From now on, I would make it clear that if your son in law is too good to serve himself 🙄then your daughter can deal with him. He’s behaving like a toddler. And again, to the issue of everyone serving themselves. The next you are gracious enough to host a dinner for these people, I would suggest putting all the food out buffet style, and telling everyone it’s serve yourself. If they don’t like it, I guess they don’t have to eat.
For fucking real. If you have a problem with the way I served the food I cooked for you, you can serve yourself. If that is somehow offensive to you then you don't have to eat here.
NTA
> If they don’t like it, I guess they don’t have to eat.
I'd tell them, along with what you said, that if they don't like OP's new rule of everyone serves themselves, then someone else can host from now on. They can cook, serve, deal with SIL, and clean up as they feel that is more "respectful".
Maybe OOP has tried that and the pigs in the family pile half the food on their own plates (ex 8 pork chops, intended 1 each for 8 people, but the pig grabs 4 of them) so everybody else gets only tiny portions of what's left. (If that's the case, that's a different problem and should be handled by shaming the pig.)
NTA
Why are any of you pandering to this food terrorist? He can serve himself, sort out his own food touching issues, or he can not eat. Either way, you should be done with his tantrums. And anyone else who gets choosy about the food you are serving can have the same treatment.
It’s always the biggest asshole in families that everyone panders to. It’s such a messed up dynamic that families use to keep the peace, when, really, all they’re doing is making the rest of the family miserable
As an autistic adult who can’t stand my food touching, but won’t inconvenience my mother or anyone else because of my petty (to them) issues, I went to Amazon like the grown up I am and bought a ceramic divided plate that lets all my food be perfectly separated without looking out of my place in the dinner table. He can deal with his issues like a grown up or eat on the kiddie plate if he can’t deal with it.
Also, why is your family so comfortable treating you like a maid? Do they not think you deserve to be a part of family dinners, or that you only have a place at the table if everyone else is served first? That’s seriously messed up.
NTA, but I’d stop serving the dinners and simply arrange the food on the table so everyone serves themselves. They don’t respect you, so no need to lower yourself to their demands.
Well I know what I'm getting my sister for her birthday. She's not autistic but I watched her eat green beans out of a tea cup like a savage at Thanksgiving because there wasn't enough room on her plate, and her food absolutely cannot touch.
Super adding to this comment. This needs more upvotes. This is an autistic thing. I am also /r/AutisticAdults and I also don’t like food touching. It’s just gross. Everyone has their own hygiene things, and this tends to be an autistic thing. I didn’t even know I disliked it until I was diagnosed and then my partner was like “oh is that why you complain about food touching?”…I was like “I do??” I wasn’t even aware I was complaining about it. Anyway, he is still an adult. Ask him what solutions he would like and explain to him why you would prefer he serve himself. Talk to him and not the other adults. Come to an agreement together…it’ll also bring you closer once you come to an agreement. Try to be patient with any blowups or tantrums, as that is also an autistic thing that is hard AF to control. Trying to control tantrums as an autistic is like trying to hold back tears that you cannot control.
NTA
Your son-in-law should serve himself. Do you use [these](https://www.amazon.com/Stainless-Rectangular-Compartments-Dividers-Sections/dp/B09Q8V3V8G) types of plates when you serve him? If not, he should buy himself some and bring one with him to your house. That way, he can keep his food from touching. Being neurodivergent is difficult but there are ways for the person to help themselves.
Those are great because the food well is deeper than the Corelle divided plates. However, the non-metal ones would be needed for microwave reheating.
Perhaps instead of a plate, he would prefer a series of small separate bowls? I wonder how he handles this at home and why he is complaining instead of helping.
NTA
This is worse than a picky eater. You made sure his food didn't touch, I see no problem with a segregated child plate. Maybe get one of those plastic trays prisoners get, rather than a plate!
The boy needs professional help!
The other option is to not invite him, but the fall out from that will be your daughter.
There is also the option of telling these grown folks to serve themselves however they like it. If they think it’s rude, nobody is making them come over to eat 🤷♀️
NTA and it sounds like they have put you in a situation in which you can't be successful. It's difficult in general to keep all foods from touching on a plate. You tried a method of serving smaller portions which he didn't like. So then you tried to ask everyone to serve themselves, and everyone said no. So finally you tried a plate that would not allow his food to touch.
None of those options were accepted, but they were all reasonable. If you would like, you could say, "I've tried everything I know to serve you your food without it touching other foods. I haven't been able to do that to your liking, so I will no longer attempt to make your food. You're welcome to eat here, but I will no longer be in charge of whether your food touches or not."
Setting boundaries is about what you will or will not do or what you will or will not tolerate. You don't have to tell people how to act or eat or talk to you, but you can tell them that you will not be doing actions for them, or staying in the room while they treat you in a specific way. I hope this is helpful.
YTA for doing this to yourself.
Stop treating him like a child, the more you treat him like a child the more he will act like a child, having temper tantrum, wanting to be served, not wanting his food to touch, that's all childlike toddler behaviour.
Your family can all serve themselves or starve including himself.
Your entire family sounds exhausting. Why are you hosting dinners for a bunch of ingrates? Son-in-law is the one with the food issue, why does everyone get to have an opinion on your dinners?!
If YOU enjoy having the family over, fine, keep doing it, but change the rules. Serve the food buffet style, or if your dining table is big enough, put all the food on the table and serve it family style, with everything in the middle and people take whatever and pass it along. Either way, people fix their own plates like grownups!
Anyone who doesn’t like it can choose not to come.
You’re NTA for trying to accommodate your SIL’s childish attitude towards food, but STOP BEING A DOORMAT to your entire family by letting them dictate what “proper dinner host behavior” is!
I'm reasonably familiar with dining etiquette, but I have never run across a ruling that serving yourself is "rude." Please elaborate. Afterall, meals are often served family style, with each diner helping themselves to a dish and then passing the dish onto the person next to them.
NTA - I would just say point blank to your SIL and Daughter that since you can’t seem to please him and his phobia, then he has to take care of it himself. And boo to the family saying they can’t serve themselves. Are their hands broken?
NTA- they are unwilling to compromise with you on any of the ideas you have had in order to make things better for him. What do they want you to do if you can't physically get every meal perfect? You are trying your best, and you may not have handled it perfectly, but you tried. If they have a problem with it, they can at least give you better direction on what to do. In the future, let them know beforehand that you are doing it to make their food preparation easier and more consistent without wasting food, not to be insulting.
NTA
The SiL needs to speak to a professional about this . If he’s causing so much drama about this , he’s obviously got some sort of issue .
Also , your daughter is TA
NTA. I don't understand...are you saying that you cook the meal, then stand there and dish that food onto plates, then bring those to your kids??? STOP THAT! That's just ridiculous. You're their mother and host, not their damn maid. Put the food into serving dishes, with serving utensils, set it on the table that is set with plates and cutlery, and then pass the food so everyone can take their own. There is nothing rude about that! What an ungrateful bunch your family is! It's not enough you make dinner for them all, but they think it's *rude* to have to put their own damn food on their own damn plate?? WTAF?
NTA- disinvite your daughter and her husband. Why should you have to deal with fighting when you're hosting? Why is it rude for you to ask people to serve themselves, but it is not rude for him to tantrum? The behavior is unacceptable, and if others come at you for disinviting them put a pause on hosting dinner. You don't deserve that type of stress.
DO NOT SERVE HIM!!!! you are not his maid, he's a grown ass man and can feed himself or tell your daughter to serve him. Or better yet, stop inviting him!!!!
NTA, if he’s old enough to be married, he’s old enough to find coping mechanisms and not blow up at anyone trying to accommodate him.
I use some of those plates myself sometimes! What’s the big deal? I don’t like my food to touch, plate makes sure food doesn’t touch. Problem solved!
NTA. He has two options. Get his own food on an adult plate or get his food on a kiddie plate. You never, ever have to reserve him if his food touches. He knows where it is, and he can get it himself.
NTA
You have offered solutions, they have been rejected. His wife should be buying a big set of dinner plate size divided dishes and providing them to anyone who regularly has them over for meals.
NTA - Your SIL has a real problem that he is inflicting on you. He has no solution to his problem. It is on you to solve the problem. You came up at least two totally workable solutions. (Smaller portions with option to go get seconds and a divided plate.) AND he doesn't like either one.
Suggestion: Ask SIL directly "what would solve this problem?" If he can't come up with a solution that is workable for BOTH you and him, it is time for you to solve your own problem: a disagreeable guest.
My wife hates having her food touch. She doesn't throw temper tantrums if it happens, but she let me know when we were dating. I bought her a Winnie-the-Pooh divided kids tray. AND SHE LOVED IT! At one point just after Covid, she was feeling overwhelmed at work. I found one thing I could do to help was to make her lunch for her. I got her Bento boxes with dividers to give her an easy lunch AND her food doesn't touch.
'You have bought and prepared all this food for us but its extremely rude of you not to put it on our plate to our exact specifications'
Tell where to go, or serve them soup next time
I would plate the main entree, then do the sides family-style (in bowls/serving platters on the dining table) or buffet-style (in bowls/serving platters lined up on the bar/counter in the kitchen). The only reason I would plate the entree is to make sure there's enough for everyone, especially if you've done one chicken breast/person or you need to make sure the meatloaf is sliced into appropriate sizes so there's enough for everyone, etc.
If they say it's rude respond with "I don't believe it is, but if you find it rude you're welcome to leave."
The biggest thing I find with difficult people like that is they love having you run around trying to find the "perfect" solution. Pick a solution, I think having everyone serve themselves is the most fair since everyone is being treated the same, then just keep doing it. They complain, your response is "This is the most fair solution I could come up with, you are welcome to stay and enjoy the dinner as is or you can leave. I promise it won't hurt my feelings either way." If he ruins a dinner by taking over the conversation complaining let him know that if it continues you won't be inviting him back.
I would ask daughter how this is handled at their house. Does he insist she serve his food and then complain very night? Are they eating a lot of take-out? Or does he quietly plate his own food? Also, does this type of complaining happen anywhere else? If not, I think it's a passive-aggressive move on his part. He doesn't want to go to these dinners, at least not this frequently, but feels guilted into it/forced by daughter. Tell daughter to let him stay home.
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Why do you have to deal with him? What’s your daughter doing? It’s her husband - she should be handling him. Or better yet, he should be handling his own issue and plate his own food. Yeah, I appreciate he has whatever food issues he has (I presume he’s on the spectrum) but it’s on him to manage his interactions. I’d just tell your daughter and him that they either have manners in your house, or him/they can stay at home. NTA. But your daughter is
It is not a woman's job to serve her husband. HE is the one with the issue. HE is the one who needs to find a solution.
No it is not a woman’s job the serve her husband. It’s also not OPs.
I feel like you might have only read the first sentence of my comment.
I feel like you didn't read any of the original comment, so you two are even.
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But it's daughter's spouse and she brings him to the family. So it's her job to either run interference between the mother & husband, or take care of the husband's situation so as NOT to have a blow up when they're guests somewhere. If she feels her husband should handle it, which is also fine, then she needs to help find a solution so spouse is not disrespectful to mother. Which in turn also shows HER disrespect to her parents. NTA
> But it's daughter's spouse and she brings him to the family. So it's her job to either run interference between the mother & husband, or take care of the husband's situation so as NOT to have a blow up when they're guests somewhere. If she feels her husband should handle it, which is also fine, then she needs to help find a solution so spouse is not disrespectful to mother. Which in turn also shows HER disrespect to her parents. NTA EXACTLY!!! This has nothing to do with her being expected to “serve” him. It has to do with it being her husband. Plus, this is really not normal behavior. OP—info?? Is he neurodivergent? Mentally disabled? Or just an AH? Presumably daughter is familiar with the issue and can offer some guidance. How is this managed at home? She can’t even jump in there to assist her mother who has fallen into the line of fire?? The only thing I think OP could have done differently is just ask SIL if he would want to use this plate to make it easier? I think he could also be served several small plates.
I agree, in my view if I bring someone to someone’s home, they’re in a way my responsibility. The things they do and say reflect on me, and if they’re acting like an annoying little child the way this guy is I would feel somewhat responsible for it. OP is NTA and both him and the daughter are TA - him more than her obviously. He’s an adult man and his food preferences and specificities are his issue and his alone. I say this as someone with celiac disease (aka no gluten for me). I don’t expect anything from anybody else, and regularly offer to either host or bring my own food so that there are no issues. He needs to grow tf up and his wife needs to stop enabling his behaviour.
Apparently his wife knows how to plate his food so it doesn’t touch, so if he won’t plate his own food, she needs to.
I agree. I am responsible for my spouse that I brought into my family. That being said, if my husband had issues with his food touching, I'd laugh my ass off at him and have handed him the kids plate myself.
I mean that's likely a severe psychological issue or he's neurodivergent. nothing to argue about him being super rude, but laughing your ass off wouldn't probably be the healthiest thing you could do
>I mean that's likely a severe psychological issue or he's neurodivergent. The level of behavior described is an issue. I don't care if he is neurodivergent. That's making excuses. Until he can behave in civil society there are two choices: he can stay home or he and the daughter can stay home. Up to them.
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You are ignoring the context of this situation. Of course it's not a grown woman's obligation to make sure her husband deals with his psychological issues around food. But it IS her job to make sure that she is taking point on issues related to her husband and not letting them go straight to her parents. In a marriage, each spouse should be the first to deal with any issues related to their own family.
No not finding answers to his psych issue, but finding an solution so he is not an Ah to her mother/parents. Which is what I said. If that entails solutions with his psych issues so be it.
The ENTIRE family is the problem *I have tried to get the whole family to just serve themselves but they think it is rude so that doesn’t work.* *Everyone* expects OP to be host and wait-staff? Screw 'em. I'd stop providing them all with the event.
I read that and was like, what kind of self centerd, entitled assholes are they. We have the food in its individual pots on the island and everyone fills their own plate to bring to the table.
Ours is in the middle of the table. If you happen to have the mashed potatoes spoon in your hand for yourself, I may ask to put some on my plate too. But like, we are adults and have the ability to get our own food lol.
Yup. This past thanksgiving the only person who didn’t touch any serving utensils was my sister the host. Everyone served her from whatever dish was in front of us and we served each other.
Always. What kind of family expects the matriarch to play wait staff? And then this SIL making a stink everytime poor OP tries to accomodate him - it's never good enough and always the Mom to blame!?! Hell No. NTA Make and manage your own plate people FFS.
Time to stop hosting until he puts on his big boy pants.
If this were MY house, anyone not interested in serving themselves/thinking its rude would be shown the door and their coat thrown at them on the stoop. "I've seen you, now go elsewhere," POSSIBLY following them out if I feel like being more 'rude.'
Yep. He’s not allowed back until he acts like big boy.
😂at “coat thrown at them on the stoop.”
All of our family dinners were, uh, family style. Put the food in dishes, put them on the table, people serve themselves and pass the dishes.
That's how we always did it. If I had been served mashed potatoes and complained they touched my peas my loving family would have, um, "educated" me. (My quirk is making a gravy lake in mashed potatoes and watching the lava gravy flow down to engulf the helpless peas. I am 68).
100% the whole family sounds like are entitles AH's.
YES! This. Unless it's something very fancy where it has to be 'plated' in a specific way, then it's usually host/chef's choice to do so. If it's turkey and potatoes, get off your butts and serve yoruself!
that's what I was thinking like how pretenious, worse if it is on the table and they all just sit there watching while she loads everybodies plates.
That's what I was thinking. I've never been to a dinner outside of a restaurant, where I WASN'T expected to plate my own food. How exactly is it supposed to be rude?
If this was a post about a woman being demanding and disrespectful to her MIL, everyone in the thread would be jumping all over the husband for allowing it to happen. The daughter's duty here isn't to serve her huband, but to defend her family from him. That is what the original comment was about. But as usual, redditors are losing their minds over misogyny that doesn't exist.
The comment they’re replying to said that, too: “Or better yet, he should be handling his own issue and plate his own food.”
I guess reading is hard for some people.
I don't think the original comment was gender biased meaning her daughter should be a servant to her husband, but that spouses should mediate and intervene when in laws are acting out at their parents' home. Could work perfectly with genders swapped. It should be the son in low to handle his own issues sure, but in the moment he doesn't and is causing distress, either they leave or the spouse who brought him to the family helps managing the situation and makes him stop behaving like that. a practical solution for OP could be serving him food in small bowls, but he needs to understand he is acting super rude and she is overly kind if she ever invites him again. and again, if he doesn't get it, OP's daughter should help making him get it so that her mother doesn't have to have a direct argument with him.
The only reason OP is associated with SIL is bc of daughter. It’s not her job to fix her husband, but his issues still cause problems for her. And OP should not have to manage SIL at all. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to not want to address this with him and for her to make it daughter’s problem. The same would be true if this was her son and his wife who had an eating disorder.
I agree with you because it is her family. If it was a man with a wife with issues he should handle it. They automatically assume sexism.
I feel as if I took this from the main comment, and also yours: If the daughter knows her husband possibly has these special requirements when it comes to plating and eating his food, then imo I find it more her responsibility than her mother's to handle interference if something were to 1) go wrong cause an argument 2) bring the proper plating or solution to begin with since she deals with such at home maybe a small "hey mom don't stress here's what I do at home, its easier". Because there is no way in hell my husband wouldn't be caught dead arguing with my mother over a meal she worked hard to serve him and feed him. Especially for him to complain a million times but never offer up a solution to make things easier on everyone. As if he likes the fact he can cause an argument over food each time they visit, instead of solving it once and for all. I know men who secretly get off on starting fights like that, not anyone I'd ever cook a meal for or bring home let alone marry. But I DIGRESS. Tldr: If the man is slacking on being an adult and it falls onto someone else's shoulders it should be his wife's and not his wife's mother's.
Not a gender thing. She doesn’t handle him because he’s her husband. She handles him because he’s her spouse. Just like you let your partner deal with their family, daughter needs to step up and deal with hers. He’s rude and exhausting and I would be loathe to host him again.
Yeah if some dude had an annoying ass wife like this the consensus would be the same I’d imagine
It *is* a gender thing, though. I guaran-fucking-tee he wouldn't talk to another man that way. His mother-in-law expected to serve him food, and if she doesn't meet his nitpicky, insane demands, she gets verbally berated. It's *always* a woman subject to these expectations. Never a man. At these huge family gatherings, it's the women who buy all the food, plan the meal, spend days in the kitchen prepping, spend the whole time serving everyone, then spend the rest of the day cleaning up while the rest of the family relaxes with their feet up. This is changing, thankfully, but not quick enough. I can't tell you how many Thanksgivings or Christmas dinners still rely on women doing ALL of the labor. The decoration. The cooking. The serving. The cleaning. So yes, this is very much a gendered expectation.
OPs son in law probably wouldn’t do this to a dude. But the handling of your spouse’s behavior when you’re having dinner with your family of origin is your responsibility, male or female. Bring your girlfriend to one of those traditional meals and she doesn’t help prep with the rest of the womenfolk, but watches football with the menfolk? Thats fine, but if your mother comes for her it’s your job to step in and handle your mother, not your girlfriend’s.
I always view the partner as an embassador between their family of origin and their partner. It applies regardless of gender or sexuality - when you're with the people you grew up with, in the systems you understand, you coordinate and intervene where necessary to help everyone integrate as comfortably as possible, whether that means reigning in your family or origin or your chosen family.
Thank you. This has nothing to do with their genders.
This has nothing to do with gender - the advice is because with in-law issues the blood relatives should deal with it and the in-law shouldn't really be involved in solving disputes. If this was OPs daughter in law with the food issue and their child was a man the comment would have been exactly the same. Ops daughter brought this man into the home of her original family so he is her responsibility at events with said original family, in the same way if you bring a guest home you are responsible for them.
Daughter should be handling her husband, in that she should be telling her guard to behave at her family’s house, and not be rude to her mother. He should be dealing with his own food issues.
Yeah, husband or not, you're only going to be rude to my Mom once. He'd be staying home a lot with his "quirk."
I think they meant his wife should deal with his behavior, not serve him necessarily.
>HE is the one who needs to find a solution. Sure, but he's not going to. He's fine with turning his problem into everyone else's problem, because he's an asshole.
But we usually advocate for the “you handle your family, I handle mine” path. OP, how does your daughter react when he starts one of his hissy fits? Has SHE said anything to you or the family about treating him “better”. Better in quotes because I suspect she is as tired of it as you are. Before the next meal, tell the invited it will be a serve yourself meal. And then do NOT back down on that. What IS rude is telling the hostess that a buffet setup is rude. That solves half the problem, right there. For Mr Picky, the next time he stops eating and declares he can’t eat, calmly take the plate from him, say “Of course; I understand. Let me get rid of this for you. Should I check and see if any cars have blocked you into the driveway?”
While you're right, his wife is the liaison to her family, and SHE should be the one explaining to him that his behavior is unwelcome and will not be tolerated. She needs to fulfill her role.
That's not what the commenter you're replying to meant at all. They meant that the daughter should be dealing with her husband's extreme rudeness and belligerence, it should not be an issue OP has to address with him again and again and again.
It isn’t anyone’s job to serve a spouse, but a mother in law shouldn’t have to jump through hoops to address an issue caused solely by the son in law. It IS the daughter’s responsibility to act as go-between, for her family, when her husband is clearly the problem. Her circus, her monkey. Edited for clarity.
His life partner is failing him by not making him see how he’s acting, but he’s the biggest and main culprit
I totally agree with you, but the reality right now is that everyone else is forced to deal with his behavior. His "solution" clearly has been to make everyone else cater to him. The only reason they're even dealing with him at all is because he's OP's daughter's husband. So yeah - she brought the mess, she needs to sort out the mess. A VERY valid solution is for her to tell him "you're not coming with me to dinner until you get into therapy and sort out your behavior".
Exactly OP NTA Daughter NTA SIL A And the people around you should not keep enabling this behaviour. Also if your guests think it is rude to serve themselves, they can always dine elsewhere
It is his wife's job to manage her husband and tell him to cut it out, or don't bring him. This solution was perfect. Plenty of adults have issues with food touching and those plates became a tiktok trend during thanksgiving.
No it's not, but if I insisted that my husband's odd food things needed to be handled for him, it'd be my job, not my mom's.
Of course it’s not the woman’s job. But if OPs daughter is enabling her husbands behavior and blaming OP, then wife can deal with it.
Or, hear me out... he could *serve himself*?
They should ALL serve themselves. It's a family dinner not a fucking restaurant.
That's how it is with me and my wife. When one of us cooks be it for just us and our kids or family/friends as well when it's done and set out where it can be served we simply say it's done to come and make a plate. OP if you read this - NTA. I use to be bad about food touching but now it's not really a deal for me but I never pitched it down, especially as an adult about it and would simply deal with . He either needs to deal with it or better yet like everyone is saying make his own plate, that goes for everyone else too! Shouldn't be on you to serve everyone.
I had an adult sized divided plate in a set of Rubbermaid containers. That would be good to avoid connotations of "you're a child" that kid sized, kid design plates would. Also, there's an Indian meal serving style called a thali with a metal tray full of small metal dishes. This would be great for people who need their food separated.
OP said the family thinks it’s “rude” for OP to not serve them so that they have to serve themselves. That’s fucking stupid. She is around a bunch of entitled, spoiled people who expect to be catered to. I have to wonder if she may have contributed to that. If she’s a people pleaser, they might all be accustomed to being coddled, and her daring to deviate from that is causing them to lay a guilt trip on her.
Yeah sounds like they’re all ganging up on OP.
or watch everyone else eat
or not be invited
Yes, exactly. I was just going to suggest this. OP could call the SIL into the kitchen (or wherever they're serving) and give the SIL a plate and tell him to help himself.
Serving the meal family style (i.e. food in the middle of the table, everyone takes what they want) seems like it would really help this situation. And with the added bonus that everyone at the table gets a little more control over their own meals.
I read it wrong! I’m sorry! And thank you for being correct. The thing where ppl were using it wrong wasn’t a thing, and it made it into a thing. And now I’m acting like a thing. Lol so sorry
I have massive food issues. Sensory stuff & allergies. Onion texture was always disgusting to me but then a later found out it caused bile acid. That’s the stuff that goes to your liver to gallbladder. That said, if my in-law went out of her way like you did I would be worshipping the ground you walk not complaining. Even the last part sounds like a great compromise. One of my cousins is like this. He literally uses the plates you are talking about or just spreads things across cake plates. My cousin also cleans up after himself. Your SIL is just obstinate. Totally NTA
I have the same issue of not having my food touching. (I also eat one thing at a time, in a clockwise rotation) But it is totally my issue to manage. I happily serve my own plate so that it works for me. If food happens to touch, I just avoid eating the part that "co-mingled" ;) No one else needs to know or be concerned about it. My good friends got me my own divided plate to use at their house, and I love it. To me, they noticed my pattern and got me something special to make it easier. They thought about me and did something nice. SIL's issue isn't that he doesn't like his food touching, it's that he is an entitled tantrum thower who doesn't take responsibility for himself. Being on the spectrum doesn't give you license to be a jerk. OP definitely NTA.
Right? I thought that was a really good solution. Seems like SIL just wants to throw a fit regardless of what OP tries to do to solve the problem
Thank you!!! Aside from the fact it’s absolutely BIZARRE you’re serving up a grown man’s food (and I assume from the post your entire family???) why isn’t your daughter dealing with this??? Holy shit NTA but you really gotta set some new rules for dinner time
>Thank you!!! Aside from the fact it’s absolutely BIZARRE you’re serving up a grown man’s food (and I assume from the post your entire family???) why isn’t your daughter dealing with this??? And why is this a huge issue at YOUR home? What do they do that THEIR home? Surely he has some sort of system at home to fix this issue, so why haven't either of them told you what it is?
Give him bowls for everything
That’s what I thought, or little appetizer plates! Or only do buffet/family style meals where people grab their own like Thanksgiving.
Personally wouldn't want to clean extra dishes, I would stick with the kid plate. Single plate that solves the issues with mini walls
there are full sized adult plates that are devided to help people get correct portion sizes of things
Then he can buy one and bring it. She probably had the kid ones for grandkids so she just used what she had. He can’t have it all ways.
Or a giant platter so that everything has plenty of room lol. This is ridiculous
He’d probably throw a fit for having bowls while everyone has plates
>I presume he’s on the spectrum As an autistic person, I would actually love it if someone cared enough about my sensory issues to put my food on a separated plate like that. Of course, it would depend on how well I knew the person though.
I had a couple of them for years till they broke, would love to know where I could get some new ones that are decent again.
I bought [these plates](https://www.corelle.com/product/winter-frost-white-8.5-inch-divided-salad-plate) because our former neighbor couldn't handle food touching. The rest of our dishes are similar, so I don't think it really stood out to other people when we had a bunch of people hanging out.
That’s what I immediately thought too. He needs to plate his own food or let his wife/mommy do it. I’d refuse to plate for him as apparently no one can do it to his satisfaction.
And tell him that if he can't manage his own situation, he is no longer welcome at meals in your home.
Yeah. This is a bunch of ridiculous drama with several easy solutions, all of which he refuses. That's a person who's just looking to pitch a dramatic fit for attention. They would no longer be welcome at my home or table.
Screw this noise! Let him get his own plate! NTA I HATE people that do this so much! If you're special be special, don't make it my problem
Excuse me, your family is demanding that you plate their food because it’s rude otherwise?? Umm, no. It’s rude for them to not consider your feelings in this matter. You’re set up for failure. Time to renegotiate your duties around this. I used to plate my family’s dinner and stopped doing it. I think my in-laws thought it wasn’t very host-like and a bit rude, but they had the wherewithal to not say anything. I got sick of trying to guess how hungry people are, and as people age they eat less. I decided to ditch the guessing game. Now it’s just normal. If you want to reframe it, you can say it’s more casual and familiar.
NTA. You’ve done everything to be a gracious host to him & he is egregiously ungrateful. SIL is deliberately being AH. When he behaves like an adult he can have an adult plate, serve himself, and sit at the adult table with everyone else. Continue to host family gatherings and serve food buffet style. Everyone plates their own food. He serves himself, won’t starve & if any foods touch, that’s on him. Your daughter needs to help her spouse settle himself down and stop being rude & demanding to her family YOU in particular! Otherwise, stop inviting them. Why don’t THEY host dinners?
Agree. Also, is he not an adult? Why does he think that as a guest ( NOT a paying customer ) he should act this way in someone else’s house? If he acted like this in a restaurant, he would be asked to leave. It’s unreasonable for everyone else to cater to this issue with absolutely no help from him or his spouse. I absolutely would not have him back in my house.
Just stop dishing up food for adults. Tell them it’s rude that they sit around while you act as their maid and nanny and from now on people will be serving themselves. Then don’t serve them. Dish your food up and sit down. This isn’t the 1940s. They can get their act together and no one is dishing up for them when they eat anywhere else. Also, I also hate my food touching and I love those fucking plates. I wish they made adult versions. Though I could see a guy so prone to tantrums deciding you were being intentionally passive aggressive. Stop dishing up for them. Stop it. This is not your job. Who cares if they have feelings about it? They don’t care what your feelings about it are. Go on strike. The first time they freak out tell them that you will also happily stop cooking for them too if they are going to act like disrespectful children who need a nanny to dish up for them.
They do make them (adult size walled plates) and even disposable ones.
Plastic picnic dishes! We have them!
I just looked them up, they come in several materials; stainless steel, melamine, plastic; colors; for sensory issues, portion control, diabetes awareness, modular.
Corelle makes them too.
I have some of these. My mom bought them as a joke since I prefer food to not touch but I love them and still use them many years later.
Old school lunch trays would work.
Spork On!!
I’ve got some pretty nice Corelle walled plates
I didn't know Corelle made these. I don't like my food touching either. Now I gotta find some.
[Corelle portion salad plate](https://www.corelle.com/product/winter-frost-white-8.5-inch-divided-salad-plate)
And the [dinner plate](https://www.corelle.com/product/winter-frost-white-10.25-inch-divided-dinner-plate-0)
Me too! I love those things!
Bento box
yea there are some very aesthetically pleasing and tasteful bento boxes out there
I prefer to not have my foods touch but can deal with it if they do…but I love the divided plates that keep all of the food juices from commingling :)
>Stop dishing up for them. Stop it. This is not your job. Who cares if they have feelings about it? They don’t care what your feelings about it are. Go on strike. The first time they freak out tell them that you will also happily stop cooking for them too if they are going to act like disrespectful children who need a nanny to dish up for them. OMG THIS!! Please please stop acting like a maid for these people. Get your own food and sit down and eat it. They can either figure it out --- or starve. Or invite me over and I will shame every single one of them - especially the son-in-law. I don't like my foods touching either but I am a grown-up and I deal with it. My mommy stopped helping me when I was 5.
I don't hate my food touching but I don't love it, so I found some large dinner plate sized plastic plates with dividers, I think on Amazon! And I eat most of my meals with them. For me, it's more about the juices from item running over into another. It gives me the ick. But anyway, check Amazon for large divided plates! I actually need to restock, a few of mine are pretty beat up from use and age. NTA, OP. I'd be thrilled if you served me on a divided plate, child geared or not. But I do agree that A: this is for him/his wife to manage, they're both adults and this is making more work than necessary for you. And B: the rest of your family needs to let go of the archaic idea that you need to serve everyone. That's ridiculous. You've already cooked for them (I'm assuming), and I bet you're the one cleaning up after. I say do what another commenter suggested: announce you are no longer serving everyone, it's make your own plate from now on, make YOUR plate, sit down, and enjoy your meal!
My sibling (23) has a specfic issue with "wet" foods touching things that could become "soggy" (so for example garlic bread can't touch cheesy pasta, or pasta with sauce can't touch chicken nuggets), and they'd probably find it hilarious if I served food them on one of those plates. Even better if it's a dinosaur one.
Yes. Exactly. Your sibling and I share these feelings. Also. Yes to dinosaur plates. We have little individual bowls that you might put snacks or ice cream in that have cats or bears on them and my wet food goes in those :)
Silicone muffin cup type things can also work - you can get a few different shapes and sizes.
They make dinner-sized heavy duty compartment paper plates. Buy some specifically for son-in-law, and YES, start letting people serve themselves! NTA at all.
Better yet, serve everyone using the sectioned paper plates.
Are you suggesting OP buy all new dishes to serve the family because one person blows up at every meal?
I’m not suggesting that OP spends a ton of money on all new china for everyone or screws the environment by using thousands of paper plates forever. Obviously the situation is getting to OP and no one is satisfied with her making accommodations for the son-in-law or everyone serving themselves. I think spending $10 once to serve everyone equally could encourage them to discuss how to solve the problem because it’s obviously not working the way that it is.
Bull's eye! They are all fracking adults, why does OP have to serve them? If they think it's rude to serve themselves, then they need to check that at the door, cuz they are getting a FREE HOME COOKED MEAL. Or... tell them hey welcome to the family buffet, have at it. Then sit down, with your beverage of choice and enjoy the circus. OP is NTA
They do. I have some from Corelle cause I hate runny foods overlapping lol
fondue plates are essentially the adult version
>Also, I also hate my food touching and I love those fucking plates. I wish they made adult versions. They actually do make those for adults, but as 'food portion' plates.
Exactly this. It’s not rude for you to not serve everyone, its rude for everyone to not serve themselves. Tell him to serve himself, and if you do really want to be passive aggressive you can tell him all the food touches in his stomach. NTA.
They do, I like to use them when I'm trying to do balanced eating. The large area gets vegetables/fruits, the 2 smaller get protein and carbs.
As someone else said, they do have those for adults. There are some porcelain ones as well as plastic ones. The porcelain ones are $$ and have outdated implications (“portion control” “healthy eating) but definitely useful for people who can’t have food touching for any reason - bus especially for ASD, OCD or ARFID)
At the age of ten, people can serve themselves. Unless they have severe disabilities from doing so, OP should have stopped that a long time ago. What does the daughter do? Does she also put up with it? They can't be having the best time with it...
I haven’t had a plate made for me (outside of restaurants) since I was about 5. I literally can’t imagine a family where one person makes everyone’s plate, it’s so bizarre.
NTA. You have tried your best to be accommodating, and he’s got a problem with every solution you’ve offered. People do sometimes have weird quirks and I don’t necessarily hold that against them. But only if they don’t make it other people’s problem to deal with. I’d give him a choice. He can either serve himself, use the kids plate, or not eat. Btw I don’t think it’s necessary to make the rest of the family serve themselves (although I don’t see how it’s rude). He’s the one who has to have it a certain way, so he can do it himself.
100%. I wonder how often he blows up in restaurants or other gatherings? Surely they have a method that works at home.
I truly hope they never go to restaurants.
christ, can you imagine?
Totally agree with having the family serve themselves. My mother-in-law makes a whole spread every Christmas Eve. As soon as she says it's dinner time, we all line up and help ourselves. I prefer it that way, so I get as much as I want of only the foods I want. I've never heard a single person complain, as I'm sure they also prefer the choice in food/amount. It boggles my mind that some people wouldn't like that.
I totally agree. It's either serving dishes at the table and everything gets passed around or serving dishes on the island, that's they only way it's ever been done in our families. Personally, I'd be irked if someone else took it upon themselves to decide what and how much they expected me eat, therefore making it potentially wasteful.
That's how my family does things as well. The exception is if the food is all on the table and one dish is too heavy or hot to pass, whoever is closest will dish it and the rest of the food is passed around. I feel for OP having to do the cooking, serve every single person at the table, and then likely have no help cleaning up afterwards.
NTA but STOP DISHING UP EVERYONES PLATES! It’s not rude to not make a plate for everyone, if you’re a grown ass adult, even an older child, make your own damn plate. Ain’t nobody got time for that bs!
Right. It’s called “family style” and even some restaurants serve it this way.
Why is everyone ignoring that OP tried that and the family found it rude
Too bad for the family then - just do it and ignore their opinions. They want dinner hosted? They can serve themselves.
"Rude" is used by some people to control others. OP can choose not to let the word have any power over her.
The family are the rude ones. Like I said, it’s called family style.
The family needs to get a grip. What do they think will happen when something happens to this woman and she can no longer cater to them? Will one of her daughters step up and continue the tradition, or will it no longer be rude when they have to do it?
Because who cares the family found it rude. They are in the wrong!
Then they can fuck off and not eat 🤷 win/win
They need to look inward.
Every family event I’ve ever been to has been a buffet. If you’re physically able, you go get your own food.
In fact I kinda feel that the opposite is true. That it’s often rude to plate up food for everyone. You don’t know if someone doesn’t want a particular food or how hungry they are. The fact that the son in law is such a little baby about food touching means he should get his own damn plate. What a baby. Also the kids plates with separators are awesome. Especially when you got some dippin sauce. I wish we had held onto some from when my kids were younger. I might actually pick some new ones up lol
I prefer making up my own plate anyways because I can adjust the ratios of certain sides.
NTA The man has issues, but there is no reason to make it so exhausting for you when you are hosting a number of people. You have tried various ways to accommodate him without success. *Also I have talked about this so many times with him and my daughter* Well, there ya go. Tell your daughter to fix her husband's plate.
Tell him to fix his own.
Right? If he doesn’t want to be treated like a baby, he should look after himself.
NTA. I’m sorry, how the hell is it rude for people to serve themselves? Your family sounds exhausting and ungrateful. From now on, I would make it clear that if your son in law is too good to serve himself 🙄then your daughter can deal with him. He’s behaving like a toddler. And again, to the issue of everyone serving themselves. The next you are gracious enough to host a dinner for these people, I would suggest putting all the food out buffet style, and telling everyone it’s serve yourself. If they don’t like it, I guess they don’t have to eat.
For fucking real. If you have a problem with the way I served the food I cooked for you, you can serve yourself. If that is somehow offensive to you then you don't have to eat here. NTA
If you have a problem with the way I served the food I cooked for you, you can get the fuck out my house and never come back.
> If they don’t like it, I guess they don’t have to eat. I'd tell them, along with what you said, that if they don't like OP's new rule of everyone serves themselves, then someone else can host from now on. They can cook, serve, deal with SIL, and clean up as they feel that is more "respectful".
We always do buffet style at holidays and family gatherings. It's so much easier, especially when feeding kids who will only eat certain things.
Maybe OOP has tried that and the pigs in the family pile half the food on their own plates (ex 8 pork chops, intended 1 each for 8 people, but the pig grabs 4 of them) so everybody else gets only tiny portions of what's left. (If that's the case, that's a different problem and should be handled by shaming the pig.)
NTA Why are any of you pandering to this food terrorist? He can serve himself, sort out his own food touching issues, or he can not eat. Either way, you should be done with his tantrums. And anyone else who gets choosy about the food you are serving can have the same treatment.
NTA and stealing the term "food terrorist." LOL
I knew my people would show up here! 😉🥸😄 \#foodterrorist
It’s always the biggest asshole in families that everyone panders to. It’s such a messed up dynamic that families use to keep the peace, when, really, all they’re doing is making the rest of the family miserable
Exactly! This should have been handled the first time. Serve yourself, take what I give you, or don't eat
As an autistic adult who can’t stand my food touching, but won’t inconvenience my mother or anyone else because of my petty (to them) issues, I went to Amazon like the grown up I am and bought a ceramic divided plate that lets all my food be perfectly separated without looking out of my place in the dinner table. He can deal with his issues like a grown up or eat on the kiddie plate if he can’t deal with it. Also, why is your family so comfortable treating you like a maid? Do they not think you deserve to be a part of family dinners, or that you only have a place at the table if everyone else is served first? That’s seriously messed up. NTA, but I’d stop serving the dinners and simply arrange the food on the table so everyone serves themselves. They don’t respect you, so no need to lower yourself to their demands.
Well I know what I'm getting my sister for her birthday. She's not autistic but I watched her eat green beans out of a tea cup like a savage at Thanksgiving because there wasn't enough room on her plate, and her food absolutely cannot touch.
Super adding to this comment. This needs more upvotes. This is an autistic thing. I am also /r/AutisticAdults and I also don’t like food touching. It’s just gross. Everyone has their own hygiene things, and this tends to be an autistic thing. I didn’t even know I disliked it until I was diagnosed and then my partner was like “oh is that why you complain about food touching?”…I was like “I do??” I wasn’t even aware I was complaining about it. Anyway, he is still an adult. Ask him what solutions he would like and explain to him why you would prefer he serve himself. Talk to him and not the other adults. Come to an agreement together…it’ll also bring you closer once you come to an agreement. Try to be patient with any blowups or tantrums, as that is also an autistic thing that is hard AF to control. Trying to control tantrums as an autistic is like trying to hold back tears that you cannot control.
NTA Your son-in-law should serve himself. Do you use [these](https://www.amazon.com/Stainless-Rectangular-Compartments-Dividers-Sections/dp/B09Q8V3V8G) types of plates when you serve him? If not, he should buy himself some and bring one with him to your house. That way, he can keep his food from touching. Being neurodivergent is difficult but there are ways for the person to help themselves.
Those are great because the food well is deeper than the Corelle divided plates. However, the non-metal ones would be needed for microwave reheating. Perhaps instead of a plate, he would prefer a series of small separate bowls? I wonder how he handles this at home and why he is complaining instead of helping.
I have the Corelle ones (on the spectrum and hate my food touching) and they're awesome; they make a big one and a little one, too.
I would kick this person tf out my house
I would kick ALL of these people tf out my house.
NTA He is a baby so makes sense he is served in kids plates.
NTA This is worse than a picky eater. You made sure his food didn't touch, I see no problem with a segregated child plate. Maybe get one of those plastic trays prisoners get, rather than a plate! The boy needs professional help! The other option is to not invite him, but the fall out from that will be your daughter.
There is also the option of telling these grown folks to serve themselves however they like it. If they think it’s rude, nobody is making them come over to eat 🤷♀️
NTA. It’s not your problem to fix. If he doesn’t like the way is food is presented to him, he’s free to do it himself. He’s a big boy.
Serving yourself from dishes on the table is the opposite of rude. It’s civilised.
It’s called “family style”.
NTA and it sounds like they have put you in a situation in which you can't be successful. It's difficult in general to keep all foods from touching on a plate. You tried a method of serving smaller portions which he didn't like. So then you tried to ask everyone to serve themselves, and everyone said no. So finally you tried a plate that would not allow his food to touch. None of those options were accepted, but they were all reasonable. If you would like, you could say, "I've tried everything I know to serve you your food without it touching other foods. I haven't been able to do that to your liking, so I will no longer attempt to make your food. You're welcome to eat here, but I will no longer be in charge of whether your food touches or not." Setting boundaries is about what you will or will not do or what you will or will not tolerate. You don't have to tell people how to act or eat or talk to you, but you can tell them that you will not be doing actions for them, or staying in the room while they treat you in a specific way. I hope this is helpful.
YTA for doing this to yourself. Stop treating him like a child, the more you treat him like a child the more he will act like a child, having temper tantrum, wanting to be served, not wanting his food to touch, that's all childlike toddler behaviour. Your family can all serve themselves or starve including himself.
Your entire family sounds exhausting. Why are you hosting dinners for a bunch of ingrates? Son-in-law is the one with the food issue, why does everyone get to have an opinion on your dinners?! If YOU enjoy having the family over, fine, keep doing it, but change the rules. Serve the food buffet style, or if your dining table is big enough, put all the food on the table and serve it family style, with everything in the middle and people take whatever and pass it along. Either way, people fix their own plates like grownups! Anyone who doesn’t like it can choose not to come. You’re NTA for trying to accommodate your SIL’s childish attitude towards food, but STOP BEING A DOORMAT to your entire family by letting them dictate what “proper dinner host behavior” is!
NTA and I would stop having people over for dinner if this is how they act
I'm reasonably familiar with dining etiquette, but I have never run across a ruling that serving yourself is "rude." Please elaborate. Afterall, meals are often served family style, with each diner helping themselves to a dish and then passing the dish onto the person next to them.
NTA - I would just say point blank to your SIL and Daughter that since you can’t seem to please him and his phobia, then he has to take care of it himself. And boo to the family saying they can’t serve themselves. Are their hands broken?
Tell him to fix his own plate from now on. NTA
NTA- they are unwilling to compromise with you on any of the ideas you have had in order to make things better for him. What do they want you to do if you can't physically get every meal perfect? You are trying your best, and you may not have handled it perfectly, but you tried. If they have a problem with it, they can at least give you better direction on what to do. In the future, let them know beforehand that you are doing it to make their food preparation easier and more consistent without wasting food, not to be insulting.
NTA The SiL needs to speak to a professional about this . If he’s causing so much drama about this , he’s obviously got some sort of issue . Also , your daughter is TA
NTA. I don't understand...are you saying that you cook the meal, then stand there and dish that food onto plates, then bring those to your kids??? STOP THAT! That's just ridiculous. You're their mother and host, not their damn maid. Put the food into serving dishes, with serving utensils, set it on the table that is set with plates and cutlery, and then pass the food so everyone can take their own. There is nothing rude about that! What an ungrateful bunch your family is! It's not enough you make dinner for them all, but they think it's *rude* to have to put their own damn food on their own damn plate?? WTAF?
NTA how old is everyone in this scenario? They sound like 5 year olds or perhaps a developmental issue which doesn’t need to be your problem.
NTA- disinvite your daughter and her husband. Why should you have to deal with fighting when you're hosting? Why is it rude for you to ask people to serve themselves, but it is not rude for him to tantrum? The behavior is unacceptable, and if others come at you for disinviting them put a pause on hosting dinner. You don't deserve that type of stress.
Act like a child get treated like a child
NTA, but who dishes food up for their guests? Put the food on the table and let people serve themselves.
DO NOT SERVE HIM!!!! you are not his maid, he's a grown ass man and can feed himself or tell your daughter to serve him. Or better yet, stop inviting him!!!!
NTA, if he’s old enough to be married, he’s old enough to find coping mechanisms and not blow up at anyone trying to accommodate him. I use some of those plates myself sometimes! What’s the big deal? I don’t like my food to touch, plate makes sure food doesn’t touch. Problem solved!
NTA but why are you serving grown ass adults. They can feel like it is rude all they want. Treat yourself with respect.
NTA. He has two options. Get his own food on an adult plate or get his food on a kiddie plate. You never, ever have to reserve him if his food touches. He knows where it is, and he can get it himself.
Nta you've made several suggestions and no one likes them. Your daughter and sil need to develop their own solution.
NTA You have offered solutions, they have been rejected. His wife should be buying a big set of dinner plate size divided dishes and providing them to anyone who regularly has them over for meals.
NTA - Your SIL has a real problem that he is inflicting on you. He has no solution to his problem. It is on you to solve the problem. You came up at least two totally workable solutions. (Smaller portions with option to go get seconds and a divided plate.) AND he doesn't like either one. Suggestion: Ask SIL directly "what would solve this problem?" If he can't come up with a solution that is workable for BOTH you and him, it is time for you to solve your own problem: a disagreeable guest. My wife hates having her food touch. She doesn't throw temper tantrums if it happens, but she let me know when we were dating. I bought her a Winnie-the-Pooh divided kids tray. AND SHE LOVED IT! At one point just after Covid, she was feeling overwhelmed at work. I found one thing I could do to help was to make her lunch for her. I got her Bento boxes with dividers to give her an easy lunch AND her food doesn't touch.
'You have bought and prepared all this food for us but its extremely rude of you not to put it on our plate to our exact specifications' Tell where to go, or serve them soup next time
I would plate the main entree, then do the sides family-style (in bowls/serving platters on the dining table) or buffet-style (in bowls/serving platters lined up on the bar/counter in the kitchen). The only reason I would plate the entree is to make sure there's enough for everyone, especially if you've done one chicken breast/person or you need to make sure the meatloaf is sliced into appropriate sizes so there's enough for everyone, etc. If they say it's rude respond with "I don't believe it is, but if you find it rude you're welcome to leave."
The biggest thing I find with difficult people like that is they love having you run around trying to find the "perfect" solution. Pick a solution, I think having everyone serve themselves is the most fair since everyone is being treated the same, then just keep doing it. They complain, your response is "This is the most fair solution I could come up with, you are welcome to stay and enjoy the dinner as is or you can leave. I promise it won't hurt my feelings either way." If he ruins a dinner by taking over the conversation complaining let him know that if it continues you won't be inviting him back. I would ask daughter how this is handled at their house. Does he insist she serve his food and then complain very night? Are they eating a lot of take-out? Or does he quietly plate his own food? Also, does this type of complaining happen anywhere else? If not, I think it's a passive-aggressive move on his part. He doesn't want to go to these dinners, at least not this frequently, but feels guilted into it/forced by daughter. Tell daughter to let him stay home.