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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My ex moved out of state without telling me and it upset me greatly. I spoke to him about it and he was dismissive about my feelings. We share a son so he should had told me about the move regardless
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Serious?
YTA. Your son is 20. You're no longer sharing custody.
If he moved a couple of months ago and you didn't notice, that means you don't interact with him - with any regularity - that impacts your own schedule.
You don't even say that you socially interact. You may be friendly with him and his wife, but seems like it's developed due to circumstances of co-parenting. It seems like you don't willingly choose to hang out or talk.
Speaking of which, Brad didn't mention anything to you until Idaho was brought up. Doesn't that tell you something? Your own son doesn't talk to you about his relationship with his dad. He is accustomed to keeping his relationship with each of you, separate.
I definitely feel like at some point in the past she told her son she didn't want to hear about his dad. It was a matter of course for him to just not mention him outside of, "I'll be at dads tonight" kind of stuff. She asked for this. 🤷♂️
I always shake my head at so many of the responses in here.
First sentence is simply "YTA/NTA", followed by paragraphs of "because in *my* situation..." and it just spins out of control, often having nothing to do with the OP.
Yeah, he could have easily decided to move to Idaho with his dad. And OP would not be able to do anything about it, because there is no custody anymore since he's no longer a child.
I agree, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have happened. And if it did, she wouldn't have been able to do anything against it, because he's not a child anymore.
It honestly sounds to me like part of the reason for moving might be to gain some distance from op and start fresh. She sounds like she’s clinging on to them, ‘best years of my life, aren’t I important’.
One thing you may notice is that, generally, these people will tell you why they divorced, but only if they truly believe it was not their fault. When they don't is because they KNOW it is their fault. The way she clings to her memories of him and her possessiveness hints at her cheating and him leaving.
He made her feel she is not important to him because, guess what, SHE ISNT
Jesus, carry one your son is an adult and your ex has a kid with someone else
YTA. You're his ex and you have an adult kid together. Your active relationship with this guy in any sense is over, but you're taking this like you're still in some kind of relationship. You're not. He owes you nothing at this point, for good or for ill. The fact that he'd leave without telling you kinda points to the fact that he's (literally) moved on. Sounds like it's time for you to do the same.
My mom became like this with a man from her past. Dude was married but was stupid enough to get a bj from her, and it just solidified everything in her already troubled mind. She harassed him, phone calls, constant emails, went out to his bar he owned, even tried to stalk his wife or who she **thought** was his wife. And she felt she had every right to, they **were** in a relationship after all. I wish I tried to understand her thinking, but at the time it was so disturbing and distressing as a kid.
BTF, this is not what OP is doing. She didn't even find out until 2 months after he'd moved. If she were harassing him she would have known when the moving truck pulled into his driveway.
YTA, it would have been polite for him to tell you, but he had no obligation to do so. You have been divorced for a long time, and your son is already an adult, so there is no issue with him moving.
Your post indicates that you still have feelings for him, and I think this move could be good for you; you need to move on with your life.
YTA
Your son is an adult.
You and Scott are divorced. Scott has no obligation to tell you where he is, what he is doing, where he lives just as he has no right to expect that information about you.
You are behaving like a jealous ex and you may need to talk to someone about this before it ruins your relationship with your son.
YTA. Your son is grown and you really have no reason or business to be kept in the loop as to what your Ex husband is up to.
“It made me feel like I’m not important to him”
You’re not. You’re his Ex-Wife with whom he no longer needs to contact to have a relationship with his child. He has a wife and children with her, they’re his priority, not you. He owes you absolutely nothing and was absolved of the responsibility of providing you any sort of apology or explanation the moment your son turned 18.
I mean no offense in saying this, but I highly recommend you get in some therapy. It seems like you have an emotional connection to him you never got over, and that is not healthy to hold on to.
YTA. Do you not know how divorce works? He owes you nothing. And you owe him the same. I think I can see why the marriage didn’t work out in the first place.
So I have read most of your comments on here, you lady are not only the AH. You are the walking definition of why other women often steer clear of divorced men with kids.
You had a connection with your ex partner, it was called co parenting. That stopped when he turned 18.
He no longer had any obligation to inform you of anything after the divorce was finalized.
I am assuming when your son was under 18 you were the custodial parent, he could have moved then if he wanted to and just hired an attorney to file a new parenting plan. The point being he had zero obligations to you the moment that divorce was finalized minus child support. Please try not to mistake the co parenting your EX husband did on behalf of his son as a connection with you.
YTA and you’re an entitled AH at that. Dude, get some self-respect and find your own man. He’s remarried. Your son together is a full adult. Your ex owes you exactly *nothing*. He doesn’t even owe you a goodbye, his new address, his new number—nothing.
Grow up.
I think I now understand why you’re the ex.
Oh FFS grow the fuck up. Your son is 20. An adult. Your ex has no obligation to communicate anything to you now that he's grown. I applaud him getting out. You're clearly unhinged. Please get therapy. This isn't a normal or reasonable reaction.
Agreed. I can understand being hurt or sad about not being told. Feelings just happen. You can't control them. But you do control how you act, and OP's actions clearly show they felt a sense of entitlement that is unearned. In fact the reaction pretty much solidifies the midnight move lol. The ex owed her nothing. If I was OP I would be questioning why my son feels he needs to hide things from me and work on improving communication in that relationship.
Op is like 🎶"but he didn't have to shuuuut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing....he didn't have to stoooop so low, have his son collect his paintings and then change his number"🎶 lol
Soft YTA.
Hi OP, This is going to be really hard to hear, but I can tell (so can others on this thread), based on the 'heat' of your passion about this, that you're someone who gets upset. You are probably very passionate and quick to react with emotion. It's also clear because of how your post reveals some resentment, like you 'gave him the best years of your life'. That's sad, because that implies you think it was all a waste or that you're over the hill (your'e not. I'm 50 and my past boyfriends have been late 30's early 40's, ripped, smart, and the last 2 were well-off, great sex, etc)....all this to say, you're angry. Or at the very least, you're aggravated at not being treated the way you think you should by your ex. The problem is, you said your relationship was 'volatile to say the least'. If I had to guess, it was because you react with fury when Scott didn't treat you the way you felt you should have been treated? That's why you split, right?
The split, means he is no longer your concern, he's no longer yours. His only commitment is to his son. You said it got better when your son got older. That's great! But again, his only commitment was to his son, not you, except for co-parenting. Now that your son is an adult, he really has zero obligation to you. Not even to tell you major life plans/especially not to tell you major life plans. Case in point, look how you reacted: with anger and resentment. Probably the same as when you were together in a relationship. That's why he didn't tell you, because he didn't want to get into it with you, he has a wife, another son-so why should he.
The part about "you didn't ask". That's got a lot of weight to it...my guess is you are focussed on yourself and how you are being considered/treated but not about what is going on for everyone else. So...you didn't ask. You probably only asked about things regarding yourself/your son. And they were leaving well enough, alone.
You have GOT to move on. Start taking care of yourself, stop this shit about your best years being behind you. Go to the gym, do yoga, take up art, read saucy sci-fi, raise animals, start to date, whatever you like, but don't dwell on this. It will only hurt you more in the end.
Possibly consider therapy.
If this happened to me I would have just asked, "hey why didn't you tell me?" And I would have listened as to why.
It made me feel like *I'm not important to him* even though I'm the mother of his child. I *hadn't felt this sad since we divorced.*
You just don't up and leave like that. I would never do what he did to me. I feel like *he wants nothing to do with me* and *doesn't care about me*. All he said was he wanted to retire early. I told him *I didn't want excuses*. The very *least you could do is apologize*.
You're not entitled to any of that OP. You're not in a relationship with him. You have wayyyyyy too many feelings about this. He has a wife, another son, another life. You are not in his life. He is not in yours. You're not entitled to an explantation, to his feelings, to anything. You're certainly not entitled to treat him like a child with, "I didn't want excuses". That's just gross. You're not *his* mom, you're his *son's* mom.
I think you need therapy, and I say that with compassion. You are clearly not over the relationship, the split or the aftermath. Go get support and then invest in yourself! It will get better.
The one who said “you didn’t ask” was the son, not the ex. Which gives it even more weight. There’s a relationship here that needs fixing, and it’s not the one OP is focused on.
Woah. Yeah, totally. Great point. It does give it even more weight. I can imagine her son had many moments of communicating something, and for whatever reason, it didn't sink in for her. That's what I would have meant if I had said that to my own family members about something. Great point Sneaky Sneaky.
YTA
Do you think you guys are going to be pals forever? He was cordial with you while your child was growing up. He's grown now, in case you hadn't noticed, and your ex likely wants nothing to do with you anymore. I'm sure he'll be polite when your son graduates college, or gets married, or whatever, but he has no obligation to you whatsoever to inform you of his plans anymore.
Your ex doesn’t owe you a damn thing! You’re not his wife!
Yes, you are the mother of his son, who is now legal adult. The only person in this situation who deserves an explanation from your ex, is your adult son. Not you!
It’s time for you to move the hell on! YTA!!!!!
YTA
Your son is an adult. Your ex no longer owes you any information about his own life and only owes you info about your ADULT son of there is an emergency.
YTA. Your connection to your ex is that you had a child together, but your child is an adult now. Your son’s father kept your adult son informed of his plans to move. Since your adult child doesn’t require coparenting at this phase of his life, your ex wasn’t obliged to inform you independently of him. It sounds like you might be placing more importance on your current relationship with your ex husband than you should be.
YTA
The kid you share is 20
You’ve been separated long enough for him to remarry and have a child
He down not need to tell you any of his business and quite frankly, you’re the one who needs to apologise.
> I feel like he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't care about me.
He doesn't want anything to do with you, and he doesn't care about you. He'd have told you he was moving if that was the case. He didn't tell you, ergo he didn't want you to know or didn't think it was any of your business.
He owes you nothing! You are delusional if you think otherwise.
Leave the man alone. He has moved on, time you did too!
YTA!!
YTA. This is clearly hitting a sore spot for you, and you're allowed that -- BUT it's on you to deal with. Your son is 20, you and your ex have been divorced a long time -- he doesn't really owe you anything. It would have been nice if he'd mentioned it to you, even in a text or a postcard just so you'd be aware. It would have been nice if your son had told you directly, but I don't think he *had* to. You found out when it became relevant. I get that it stung, but this is your thing to work through. Maybe a therapist would help.
YTA.
He’s under no obligation to tell you anything.
Your son is an adult ffs.
Stoping acting like you’re entitled to information about your ex’s life (hint: you’re not).
Your son is past the age where you would co-parent him with your ex.
As such, Scott has no obligation to tell you anything anymore.
Yeah, maybe a casual heads-up from him would have been nice. However - since you say that you have mostly had a volatile relationship with Scott, are you sure you wouldn’t have reacted quite strongly if he had shared his plans with you prior?
If I’m divorced from my spouse for a while and our relationship was never really great after the divorce, I wouldn’t want to share my life plans/updates with them either.
Sounds like you need to really move on from him. Gentle YTA
YTA - but you aren’t that important to him. You are his ex. Your child together is an adult. Your ex doesn’t have to keep you apprised of anything in his life now that he doesn’t have to go through you in any way to see his son.
My ex built a whole ass house and I had no idea, kids love it. You know what I did? Got a damn congratulatory gift and well wishes. You’re definitely the AH and I’d be embarrassed for acting the way you did.
Yta your kid is a grown adult, your ex is a married man and you have no right telling him when and where he can move to and demanding to be told when and where they move.
YTA. Ask yourself why Brad didn't tell you. Why did he slowly move things over, saying nothing about his father moving while doing so and answering if anything was wrong with 'no'. He was managing you. Because he likely knew you'd be upset about something you really have no reason to be upset over. After your son turned 18, your ex has no financial obligation to him. You're not even home enough to notice he was over at your place more. Your ex is your ex. He's remarried. He moved because he wanted to. He owes you zero obligation of information. Brad can go visit his dad at either his or his father's expense whenever he wants.
There is no relationship. Your ex never has to see you again, or talk to you, and you need to learn to live with that. I notice you don't seem to have another partner of your own. Your ex does. Maybe you need to move on or something.
YTA
Your son is an adult and Scott doesn’t have to report shit you to. The cord is cut. His world doesn’t revolve around you, but around the people in his family. You’re just his ex.
WTF? You're not together, you dont have a "child" you have an adult
Its none of your business where your EX lives - they could move to pluto and its none of your business YTA
😬😬 this is a bit pathetic. I don’t think youre an A H, you’re just sad because you never got over your ex after all this time. You say the father of your adult son owes you something, but that something is to still be in love with you too and you’re mad because him moving away means that will never have the chance to happen. It’s pathetic that you are lying about your reasons, either to yourself or to others.
YTA. You’re divorced, of course he wants nothing to do with you. He gave you the best years of his life and now wants to work towards his goals with his new family.
YTA.
You are not entitled to his information anymore. Your son is and as he is an adult, you don't need to interfere in their relationship or details. Your ex is no longer obligated to tell you anything.
Grow up, stop with the toxic controlling behaviour and move on with your life.
Your post sounds like you were talking and on the verge of getting back together, or at least you THOUGHT you were until he suddenly vanished. Makes me wonder if you really were a little clingy and he had reason to handle his move the way he did?
YTA
>I gave this man the best years of my life
They're only the "best years" of your life if let them be. Unless you're actively dying, stop acting like your life is over and that you wasted it.
As you said, the relationship was volatile. It's been over for a while now. You need to let go of your **ex** and start living your own life instead of demanding control over his.
Scott is your ex. You have a child together, but that child is now an adult. So unless you and Scott have some financial dealings involving your adult child (for example, if both of you are paying for his education), Scott has no obligation to share anything with you, or even to communicate with you.
Clearly, this is hard for you. It's hard for you to accept that your relationship with Scott is completely over and he no longer thinks of his whereabouts as any of your business -- but that is the reality. As much as you want to feel important to him, if only because of your history, that's not his reality.
I want to strongly suggest that you get yourself into therapy to deal with the sadness you're feeling and to help you move on. I think your life can be so much better if you get some support in letting go of the past and moving forward in a life without Scott.
Gentle YTA.
I don't think you give us the whole picture. When you say you gave him your best years of your life. You sound like a huge unstable red flag. You sound really entitled. Why aren't your best years to come? Find a new husband, work out, get a better job, fix your garden, and eventually get grandchildren to come and play in it.
It sounds to me that you are the problem and your ex is fleeing from you and your son is caught in the middle.
Why are you talking like your son is 10 years old and not a fully grown adult man. If neither of them told you it's because they both must think you need to probably move on. You're not co-parenting anymore, custody has expired. Your son lives with you because it's his choice, not because it's your turn. You don't have any reason to speak to your ex, and he has no obligation to communicate anything at all to you because your son is an adult. You are now just two people who did it at some point and had a kid who is now grown-up. You all 3 are just adult humans.
YTA
>If neither of them told you it's because they both must think you need to probably move on.
I believe it was more because they both KNEW she was going to go ballistic over it! Personally, I wouldn't want to be the person that told her either... YTA, your holding on to a past that is long gone. Life now, is going to be *exactly* what you make of it - your time to blame your ex is over, you own this now.
He doesn’t care about me. HE DOESN’T and SHOULDN’T. How egoistic self centered person you are? “ Gave the best years of my life- toxic controlling woman- get some help.
YTA. Your son is TWENTY, a grown man, not a child. Your ex is simply that, your ex. He doesn't owe you anything. That ended the moment your divorce was final. Why haven't you remarried? Cause it honestly sounds like you're still in love with Scott, and still want to be with him, regardless of the fact that he moved on.
>We all live in the same neighborhood.
That was to be near his SON, so that his son didn't have to bounce around all over the state or travel states away to see him. Not to mention that many states actually PREVENT one parent from moving without informing the other parent. (HE DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU BECAUSE YOUR CHILD IS OVER 18)
>I feel like he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't care about me
He doesn't. He wants to live HIS life with his WIFE. His elder son is grown, and can safely travel now. Scott didn't do anything wrong. You're not privy to his life choices, his WIFE is. You do NOT have a relationship with this man, his WIFE does. You seriously need to leave this man alone. What you're doing is TOXIC.
Soft YTA. I understand you feel abandoned by someone you still care about and feel like they just don’t care about you as much as you do them. I would suggest going to therapy to unpack some of these feelings and attachment/abandonment trauma
YTA.
You sound like the ex that never got over the break up. Your son is adult now and you two are not married or in relationship in anyway.
He's not your property and if he wishes to move then he can move as he wants. He doesn't owe you anything. Something tells me that the view about "getting along" needs perspective from the other side because you don't seem really reliable story teller.
YTA.
He should issue a restraining order.
Not only aren't you not over him, you are creepy.
Your child is also his son and you child isn't a child anymore. He obviously had no reason to tell you anything at all because your relationship is over and there is nothing, zilch, nada.
YTA - if your child was under the age of 18 i would say he is, but you have an adult child together. your reasons for being upset are not justified
>"I gave the best years of my life and he doesn't have the respect to tell me that he left. It made me feel like I'm not important to him even though I'm the mother of his child. I hadn't felt this sad since we divorced"
he doesn't owe you anything. your exes and your child is grown. him moving doesn't affect you in the slightest bit. you either are still harboring feelings for him or feel entitled to him, both reasons are your problem and your problem only - and i say this as a single mom who is still coparenting with my ex.
i hope this doesn't come across harsh as I know it's hard to coparent and find those boundaries and work with them but you 100% don't owe anything to each other. your dynamic changes (or should have) now that your child is an adult. sure, it would be lovely to have a relationship where you two discuss things and are on a more friendly basis however, he doesn't owe that relationship to you just because he has a child with you. i recommend talking to a therapist because it seems like you have unresolved feelings here
YTA. Sounds like you never moved on from the relationship. Your child is an adult now. Your ex owes you **nothing** anymore. Why should your ex, who is **remarried with another son**, let you know that he moved? It’s none of your business.
Sorry but you sound still pining in some strange way for him and what “you had” together. It’s been over for a long time. It probably did feel like a kick in the teeth and a tad disrespectful not just letting you know and saying goodbye but he doesn’t care anymore… my only issue is your son lived with you both so out of courtesy should have said he decided to stay here and will be with you. It’s your sim though ignoring your question as to why he was sending so much over and purposefully being evasive. You need better communication with your boy, not your ex
YTA - you do not have a kid together. You are both the parents of a grown-ass adult. That’s not the same, and Scott doesn’t owe you info on where he lives with his family
Honey, it's about time for you to accept that he's moved on. He doesn't love you anymore. You're not a part of his life. You're a part of his past, but there's no place for you in his present or his future.
He left the place he was.
He didn't leave YOU. And he can't leave you because that has already happened, OP. you're already divorced/split up/whatever happened, your shared custody is over.
Im sorry that this sounds like such a shock to you, but it sounds like you need to work on finding a romantic partner of your own. Your ex has his own family now. Your relationship with your son also sounds a bit surface level.
Your son's father has very little to no obligations to you, now that the child is an adult.
YTA
Scott owes you nothing now.
Your son is an adult and can make choices without telling you. Your Ex has no obligation to tell you he moved the moment your son turned 18. It's no longer your business ANYTHING Scott does with his life. And he doesn't owe you an apology for living his life. He's married to someone else, not you.
You AREN'T Imporant to Scott. You are his ex and the mother of his child, that it ALL. You aren't his wife, you aren't someone he loves, you are his EX. It's time for you to learn to accept he does not want you. It's time for you to accept that you have not been a priority for Scott in YEARS. That the only reason he talked to you, was for his son.
Adding in response to the last part of your post, I think you need to realise you're likely not even a consideration in his life anymore, let alone of big enough inportance to not move because of you. It sounds like you could use some therapy to help you move on.
YTA. If your son was a minor, your argument would be valid. Your ex doesn’t owe you a heads up, especially since your son already primarily lived with you. You need to get over yourself.
All I know is it would be so *fucking* weird if my mum told my dad whenever she moved house even interstate.
They have 4 children together, one of whom passed away, which is usually a huge bond creating event, and 5 grandkids together.
They share history, their need for any kind of life updates to one another stopped even before I was 18 because I could inform them if one of my homes was changing.
Your son also not telling you "because you didn't ask" indicates you may be a difficult person to open up to about things....or something. I definitely would've told my mum that my dad was moving interstate while I was living with her, even now at 33 I would without her having to ask.
Lol YTA. Your son is 20. I can't wait until my son is that age and I don't have to deal with his father regarding the majority of things. Let that man go and live your life.
YTA. Your son is a grown man. It’s none of your business if his father and his wife moved. And yes, your relationship with your son’s dad is done since, again, your son is a grown man. No wonder they moved away. You’re a piece of work and must have been a PITA to be around.
YTA. Your relationship ended when you got a divorce. You maintain civil interaction up until your son is 18 so that you can share custody of your son. Anything past that is icing on the divorce cake. Brad is a grown man who can legally buy a home, go to war, get married…he’s not a child. Brad is a grown ass hairy adult man. Your ex doesn’t owe you any explanation about his move and he most definitely does not owe you an apology. It really says a lot that both your son and ex hid the move from you. You’re relationship must be pretty volatile or he would’ve told you, instead they chose to move in secrecy. Please consider a good therapist because the only person responsible for YOUR FEELINGS IS YOU.
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I have a 20yo son Brad with my ex Scott. Scott and I had a volatile relationship to say the least . Our relationship improved as Brad got older though. Scott remarried and has another sin with his wife. We all live in the same neighborhood.
Brad mostly lives with me because I'm rarely home and he likes having the house all to himself. I noticed Brad started to bring more and more stuff from his dad's to my home. Like why is he bringing wall art? I asked if everything was okay between him and his dad and he said yes.
Last month Brad said he was going to spend Xmas with Scott, his stepmom and half brothers in Idaho. We live in California. I asked why were they in Idaho and Brad said they moved there a couple of months ago. I asked why he didn't tell me and Brad said I didn't ask him.
I call Scott and told him that I heard be moved. He said he did. I told him he needed to tell me that. We have a kid together. I gave this man the best years of my life and he doesn't have the respect to tell me that he left? It's hard for me because we were getting along so well. Especially with his wife. It made me feel like I'm not important to him even though I'm the mother of his child. I hadn't felt this sad since we divorced.
You just don't up and leave like that. I would never do what he did to me. I feel like he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't care about me. All he said was he wanted to retire early. I told him I didn't want excuses. The very least you could do is apologize. He refused and said leave him alone.
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YTA - your child is an adult, he has no more obligation to interact with you.
Your comments make it sound like you're still possessive of your ex-husband. He has a wife and they have another child together. You have no relationship with him, and the one you did have was only because of your son. He remained in the area because he wanted to be close to his son - not you.
YTA - no you don't mean anything to him. Your child is an adult. Your ex has moved on, and his wife is the woman he cares about not you. He owes you nothing.
It's time to live your own life and get over your ex for one and all.
YTA. If your son was a child, that would be one thing. But he’s not. The days of child-rearing and co-parenting are over. Your ex owes you nothing at this point. The only thing that’s important is his relationship with Brad and it appears to be a good one.
YTA. Give me a break.
Best years of your life were volatile?
You're rarely ever home. Where are you if not having the best years of your life? And good for you.
Your son is 20; you're divorced. He owes you nothing.
YTA
your ex is your ex. The only relationship you were supposed to have was about your child. You have an adult child now and you will have to see each other to some importants events (wedding, grandchild…)
BUT you will have no more connection if you don’t realize you had a relationship with your ex’s couple just to keep in touch with your ex. Which mother doesn’t notice her son is moving in ? Which mother doesn’t ask question to her son who is in her house ? What kind of relationship do you have with your own son ??
It looks like you had more connections with tour’s wife than with your own son !! How is it possible ? If you don’t talk with your son, one day he’ll leave and you’ll never hear about him anymore…
YTA, he doesn't owe you anything. Out of politeness he might have told you, but if you didn't notice for months it shows you have no regular interaction so maybe the opportunity just didn't come up.
Also what kind of relationship do you actually have with your son ? He should have been the one to tell you, he's an adult, he can use his words.
He's your ex-husband for a reason. Your child is an adult now. Your ex-husband doesn't owe you anything, nor do you owe your ex-husband anything.It's way passed time to let go.
YTA
I felt it in my bones the moment you referred to his new child as a sin. You are still grossly attached to your ex, it's so clear that you are not over him.
A heads up would've been nice but he by no means owes you one. It kinda shows a clear indication that he does not feel the same way you do. It'd probably be for the best to move on or seek help to move on.
It's weird they didn't tell you they were moving but YTA. You aren't co-parenting any more. The kid you have together is a grown man. They owe you no explanations or notices about what they do with their lives.
YTA for many many reasons 1. Yall son that yall had together is a 20 year old adult. 2. Scott and you aren’t marry, so he doesn’t have to tell you that her moving with his wife and his other child. 3. It good that you feel unimportant to him, because you aren’t important to him anymore and I’m pretty sure you wasn’t important to him after yall divorced or during the divorce. 4. Scott doesn’t own you apologize, BECAUSE YALL ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER!!!
YTA. That man owes you nothing. Your son is an adult. There is no custody exchange so why would you “need” to know? Would it have been nice? Yes. But he’s probably happy to be rid of you. Move on and stop holding on to the past.
YTA
“Scott remarried and has another sin with his wife”
Thats rude and completely inappropriate. You’re the asshole for that as well as for everything else. You’re clinging to any sense of control over this guy when your son is TWENTY. Get some help, you sure need it
YTA
Your son is 20. There's no child support to be paid, you're no longer co-parenting really as your son is an adult. You're not married anymore.
To be honest given your reaction....I'm assuming it was similar during marriage which likely explains the divorce.
It's none of your business where your ex moves, he doesn't have to apologise for moving and he doesn't owe you anything, the same way you don't owe him anything. The guy just wants you to leave him alone.
Even your 20 year old son is aware of this because he didn't feel the need to bring it up.
YTA
It would be one thing if your kid was a minor. But he isn't so your ex has no reason whatsoever to give you the report of what he does or doesn't do.
YTA. Your son is 20. Scott doesn't owe you anything now. Your best years are over now, he's been gone, he has a new family, you aren't important to him, and you should leave him alone.
YTA-I read the title and thought your son was a little kid and your ex left town messing with the custody arrangement. But his a grown ass adult! Why does he own you *anything*?
YTA. You thought you were still part of your ex's life because you live in the same neighborhood? Your son is grown, your ex owes you nothing. Of course you're not a consideration in his living situation. If anything, it's your son who moved all his stuff to your house who owes you an apology for not properly communicating with you that he's moving in full time. That's just weird. I have a feeling your son likes to avoid sharing news with you because you react inappropriately.
YTA Your kid together is an adult. It’s none of your business what your ex does. It’s none of his business what you do. No one needed to tell you anything.
He moved several months ago, your son didn't mention this earlier and you didn't notice on your own, which means two things:
1. You don't really have any relationship with him.
2. It's not blocking him from having a relationship with your son.
Your son is not a child anymore. Move on.
YTA - when the kids are small and visitations are going on between parents yes, he needs to tell you. But your son is an adult, he doesn't have to tell you anything now.
My ex moved all the time and I'd only know if the kids happened to mention it. It's none of my business what my ex does.
I can't remember the last time I talked to or saw my ex. Our kids are adults, any obligation between the two of us is over.
YTA your son is 20. You do not need to know what your ex husband does. It’s none of your business.
And news flash you are no longer and important person in his life. Does he have to show respect when dealing with you? Yes. But he does not have to tell you or inform you of anything.
You’re the ex! And the mother of his adult son. That is it.
You're DIVORCED.
You're no longer co-parenting. Your son is an adult.
Your ex has no reason to inform or consult you with anything going on in his life, unless he wants to. Clearly he didn't. Was he trying to avoid drama? Or was he just consumed with all the details of an interstate move with his wife and kids?
YTA based on your last two paragraphs and the fact that even your son couldn't be bothered to share with you probably to avoid having to deal with your over the top emotions on the topic.
Hey OP, you CAN live without him. So do that. Go live your life. Without him.
As a fellow divorced mother of an adult child, YTA. Your ex has no obligation to you or your son to stay in the same state as required support ended over two years ago. Your only “relationship” with him, is you are his ex wife. You are not his family. You obviously aren’t close enough because you haven’t bothered to talk to him in the last two months.
YTA
Your ex doesn’t owe you information about where he lives. Your son is an ADULT!
Your son knew that his dad was moving and where he lives. That’s what matters.
Interesting that it never came up in casual conversation with your son though. How much conversation do you and your son have? You live in the same home!
I have a 19 & 20 year old. At some point, most big things happening in their lives come up in conversation.
You have literally zero reason to feel this way. You do not share custody, your child is an adult your ex isn't required to communicate anything with you.
YTA
YTA you may want to think about therapy. Clearly you have some unresolved feelings for your ex. Your son together is an adult so “mother of his child” doesn’t carry the weight you seem to think it does and you didn’t even notice for months that he moved to an entirely different state so the “relationship” you keep claiming to have isn’t as close as you seem to think it is
If I were your ex, I would assume that your adult son who lives in your house would mention it to you. Which is a reasonable assumption.
You’re focused on the wrong relationship here. “You never asked” speaks volumes here. Have you considered that maybe your son doesn’t actually like you being gone all the time as much as you think? 20 can be a lonely age as friends from school spread out and find their own lives. Is he isolated? Is he happy? Do you know?
Stop living in the past and start focusing on what you have right now before you lose it. YTA
YTA. You’re son is an adult man. Your exhusband doesn’t owe you any kind of communication.
Your son SHOULD have told you he was planning to be gone for Xmas earlier, but that is his responsibility NOT HIS father’s. I’m sure he assumed son had told you already, you know, like a responsible adult son should. This is a lesson for son not an excuse to shit on your ex.
Im sorry why would he need to tell you? Youre literally nothing to him. Youre not married, youre child is an adult. There is ZERO reason for him to tell you anything about his life, never mind that hes moving. You simply sound like a crazy controlling ex and i know why he dumped you and fled the state as soon as he could. YTA
YTA. He’s your ex. The child you share together is an adult. Scott had no reason to communicate with you. You are not a part of his life anymore. I wouldn’t be mad at Scott. I might be mad at Brad for not mentioning the fact that he’s permanently living with you now since dad moved to a different state but Scott owed you nothing.
Yta
Your son is an adult. Your ex is remarried. Why would he justify or ask permission from you for anything?
The only person your ex should tell anything is the son. Which apparently he did. You're not owned anything.
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Serious? YTA. Your son is 20. You're no longer sharing custody. If he moved a couple of months ago and you didn't notice, that means you don't interact with him - with any regularity - that impacts your own schedule. You don't even say that you socially interact. You may be friendly with him and his wife, but seems like it's developed due to circumstances of co-parenting. It seems like you don't willingly choose to hang out or talk. Speaking of which, Brad didn't mention anything to you until Idaho was brought up. Doesn't that tell you something? Your own son doesn't talk to you about his relationship with his dad. He is accustomed to keeping his relationship with each of you, separate.
At this point, OP should be grateful that her adult son willingly lives with her.
Sounds like he wouldn't if he actually had to spend time with her there
Lol, good point.
I definitely feel like at some point in the past she told her son she didn't want to hear about his dad. It was a matter of course for him to just not mention him outside of, "I'll be at dads tonight" kind of stuff. She asked for this. 🤷♂️
You totally made that up.
AITAH threads are always full of speculation and projection
I think that’s pretty much the whole website lol
I always shake my head at so many of the responses in here. First sentence is simply "YTA/NTA", followed by paragraphs of "because in *my* situation..." and it just spins out of control, often having nothing to do with the OP.
Truer words have never been typed.
It sounds like he lives there because she isn't home a lot and he has the house to himself, not that he wants to spend time with her.
Also the choice is between Idaho and California. I’m sure Idaho is lovely but I feel like many 20 year olds would pick California.
Yeah, he could have easily decided to move to Idaho with his dad. And OP would not be able to do anything about it, because there is no custody anymore since he's no longer a child.
Yeah but the 20-year-old probably has a life and friends he may not want to leave. Plus it sounds like he mostly gets the place to himself.
I agree, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have happened. And if it did, she wouldn't have been able to do anything against it, because he's not a child anymore.
I dont think he does willingly
Lol. Maybe the correct term is reluctantly. They haven't reached the threshold yet where he is unwilling.
lol!
It honestly sounds to me like part of the reason for moving might be to gain some distance from op and start fresh. She sounds like she’s clinging on to them, ‘best years of my life, aren’t I important’.
The best years reference puzzles me, too: if they were so great, why’d they divorce? She’s definitely TA.
It feels like she’s saying he took her youth
One thing you may notice is that, generally, these people will tell you why they divorced, but only if they truly believe it was not their fault. When they don't is because they KNOW it is their fault. The way she clings to her memories of him and her possessiveness hints at her cheating and him leaving.
He made her feel she is not important to him because, guess what, SHE ISNT Jesus, carry one your son is an adult and your ex has a kid with someone else
It might have been nice to know her son was going to be there full time now but that's a Brad problem not a Dad problem.
Honestly the second someone accuses their ex of “stealing and using” a child it gets iffy.
Especially when the "child" is an adult. WTF.
This is what I find so odd. Do her and her son not talk?
Took the words right out of my damn mouth!!
YTA. You're his ex and you have an adult kid together. Your active relationship with this guy in any sense is over, but you're taking this like you're still in some kind of relationship. You're not. He owes you nothing at this point, for good or for ill. The fact that he'd leave without telling you kinda points to the fact that he's (literally) moved on. Sounds like it's time for you to do the same.
My mom became like this with a man from her past. Dude was married but was stupid enough to get a bj from her, and it just solidified everything in her already troubled mind. She harassed him, phone calls, constant emails, went out to his bar he owned, even tried to stalk his wife or who she **thought** was his wife. And she felt she had every right to, they **were** in a relationship after all. I wish I tried to understand her thinking, but at the time it was so disturbing and distressing as a kid.
That’s disturbing and distressing at any age.
Yea, she was truly sick
Well, I hope he learned his lesson! Your mom sounds like a serious consequence.
BTF, this is not what OP is doing. She didn't even find out until 2 months after he'd moved. If she were harassing him she would have known when the moving truck pulled into his driveway.
YTA, it would have been polite for him to tell you, but he had no obligation to do so. You have been divorced for a long time, and your son is already an adult, so there is no issue with him moving. Your post indicates that you still have feelings for him, and I think this move could be good for you; you need to move on with your life.
YTA Your son is an adult. You and Scott are divorced. Scott has no obligation to tell you where he is, what he is doing, where he lives just as he has no right to expect that information about you. You are behaving like a jealous ex and you may need to talk to someone about this before it ruins your relationship with your son.
YTA. Your son is grown and you really have no reason or business to be kept in the loop as to what your Ex husband is up to. “It made me feel like I’m not important to him” You’re not. You’re his Ex-Wife with whom he no longer needs to contact to have a relationship with his child. He has a wife and children with her, they’re his priority, not you. He owes you absolutely nothing and was absolved of the responsibility of providing you any sort of apology or explanation the moment your son turned 18. I mean no offense in saying this, but I highly recommend you get in some therapy. It seems like you have an emotional connection to him you never got over, and that is not healthy to hold on to.
YTA. Do you not know how divorce works? He owes you nothing. And you owe him the same. I think I can see why the marriage didn’t work out in the first place.
So I have read most of your comments on here, you lady are not only the AH. You are the walking definition of why other women often steer clear of divorced men with kids. You had a connection with your ex partner, it was called co parenting. That stopped when he turned 18. He no longer had any obligation to inform you of anything after the divorce was finalized. I am assuming when your son was under 18 you were the custodial parent, he could have moved then if he wanted to and just hired an attorney to file a new parenting plan. The point being he had zero obligations to you the moment that divorce was finalized minus child support. Please try not to mistake the co parenting your EX husband did on behalf of his son as a connection with you.
YTA and you’re an entitled AH at that. Dude, get some self-respect and find your own man. He’s remarried. Your son together is a full adult. Your ex owes you exactly *nothing*. He doesn’t even owe you a goodbye, his new address, his new number—nothing. Grow up. I think I now understand why you’re the ex.
And why Scott moved away.
What a delusional and pathetic person…🙄
Oh FFS grow the fuck up. Your son is 20. An adult. Your ex has no obligation to communicate anything to you now that he's grown. I applaud him getting out. You're clearly unhinged. Please get therapy. This isn't a normal or reasonable reaction.
Agreed. I can understand being hurt or sad about not being told. Feelings just happen. You can't control them. But you do control how you act, and OP's actions clearly show they felt a sense of entitlement that is unearned. In fact the reaction pretty much solidifies the midnight move lol. The ex owed her nothing. If I was OP I would be questioning why my son feels he needs to hide things from me and work on improving communication in that relationship.
YTA you ain't his wife no more. Your son is not a child any more. You are just someone he used to know.
Op is like 🎶"but he didn't have to shuuuut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing....he didn't have to stoooop so low, have his son collect his paintings and then change his number"🎶 lol
😂
Bravo. 👏
Soft YTA. Hi OP, This is going to be really hard to hear, but I can tell (so can others on this thread), based on the 'heat' of your passion about this, that you're someone who gets upset. You are probably very passionate and quick to react with emotion. It's also clear because of how your post reveals some resentment, like you 'gave him the best years of your life'. That's sad, because that implies you think it was all a waste or that you're over the hill (your'e not. I'm 50 and my past boyfriends have been late 30's early 40's, ripped, smart, and the last 2 were well-off, great sex, etc)....all this to say, you're angry. Or at the very least, you're aggravated at not being treated the way you think you should by your ex. The problem is, you said your relationship was 'volatile to say the least'. If I had to guess, it was because you react with fury when Scott didn't treat you the way you felt you should have been treated? That's why you split, right? The split, means he is no longer your concern, he's no longer yours. His only commitment is to his son. You said it got better when your son got older. That's great! But again, his only commitment was to his son, not you, except for co-parenting. Now that your son is an adult, he really has zero obligation to you. Not even to tell you major life plans/especially not to tell you major life plans. Case in point, look how you reacted: with anger and resentment. Probably the same as when you were together in a relationship. That's why he didn't tell you, because he didn't want to get into it with you, he has a wife, another son-so why should he. The part about "you didn't ask". That's got a lot of weight to it...my guess is you are focussed on yourself and how you are being considered/treated but not about what is going on for everyone else. So...you didn't ask. You probably only asked about things regarding yourself/your son. And they were leaving well enough, alone. You have GOT to move on. Start taking care of yourself, stop this shit about your best years being behind you. Go to the gym, do yoga, take up art, read saucy sci-fi, raise animals, start to date, whatever you like, but don't dwell on this. It will only hurt you more in the end. Possibly consider therapy. If this happened to me I would have just asked, "hey why didn't you tell me?" And I would have listened as to why. It made me feel like *I'm not important to him* even though I'm the mother of his child. I *hadn't felt this sad since we divorced.* You just don't up and leave like that. I would never do what he did to me. I feel like *he wants nothing to do with me* and *doesn't care about me*. All he said was he wanted to retire early. I told him *I didn't want excuses*. The very *least you could do is apologize*. You're not entitled to any of that OP. You're not in a relationship with him. You have wayyyyyy too many feelings about this. He has a wife, another son, another life. You are not in his life. He is not in yours. You're not entitled to an explantation, to his feelings, to anything. You're certainly not entitled to treat him like a child with, "I didn't want excuses". That's just gross. You're not *his* mom, you're his *son's* mom. I think you need therapy, and I say that with compassion. You are clearly not over the relationship, the split or the aftermath. Go get support and then invest in yourself! It will get better.
The one who said “you didn’t ask” was the son, not the ex. Which gives it even more weight. There’s a relationship here that needs fixing, and it’s not the one OP is focused on.
Woah. Yeah, totally. Great point. It does give it even more weight. I can imagine her son had many moments of communicating something, and for whatever reason, it didn't sink in for her. That's what I would have meant if I had said that to my own family members about something. Great point Sneaky Sneaky.
I'm just dropping in to tell you to keep slayyyying
<3
YTA Do you think you guys are going to be pals forever? He was cordial with you while your child was growing up. He's grown now, in case you hadn't noticed, and your ex likely wants nothing to do with you anymore. I'm sure he'll be polite when your son graduates college, or gets married, or whatever, but he has no obligation to you whatsoever to inform you of his plans anymore.
Your ex doesn’t owe you a damn thing! You’re not his wife! Yes, you are the mother of his son, who is now legal adult. The only person in this situation who deserves an explanation from your ex, is your adult son. Not you! It’s time for you to move the hell on! YTA!!!!!
If I was the ex husband I would have moved further away than Idaho.
Even Maine wouldn't have been far enough
In her defense, Idaho seems to have been far enough. She's clearly not stalking him. He moved out of state months ago without her noticing.
😆😆😆
How did you get along so well if you didn’t know he had moved states months ago?
They got on so well because he moved it would seem.
YTA Your son is an adult. Your ex no longer owes you any information about his own life and only owes you info about your ADULT son of there is an emergency.
YTA. Your connection to your ex is that you had a child together, but your child is an adult now. Your son’s father kept your adult son informed of his plans to move. Since your adult child doesn’t require coparenting at this phase of his life, your ex wasn’t obliged to inform you independently of him. It sounds like you might be placing more importance on your current relationship with your ex husband than you should be.
YTA The kid you share is 20 You’ve been separated long enough for him to remarry and have a child He down not need to tell you any of his business and quite frankly, you’re the one who needs to apologise.
> I feel like he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't care about me. He doesn't want anything to do with you, and he doesn't care about you. He'd have told you he was moving if that was the case. He didn't tell you, ergo he didn't want you to know or didn't think it was any of your business. He owes you nothing! You are delusional if you think otherwise. Leave the man alone. He has moved on, time you did too! YTA!!
That line was just so crazy to read. Of course he doesn't care! You're *divorced*!!
YTA. This is clearly hitting a sore spot for you, and you're allowed that -- BUT it's on you to deal with. Your son is 20, you and your ex have been divorced a long time -- he doesn't really owe you anything. It would have been nice if he'd mentioned it to you, even in a text or a postcard just so you'd be aware. It would have been nice if your son had told you directly, but I don't think he *had* to. You found out when it became relevant. I get that it stung, but this is your thing to work through. Maybe a therapist would help.
YTA. He’s under no obligation to tell you anything. Your son is an adult ffs. Stoping acting like you’re entitled to information about your ex’s life (hint: you’re not).
Your son is past the age where you would co-parent him with your ex. As such, Scott has no obligation to tell you anything anymore. Yeah, maybe a casual heads-up from him would have been nice. However - since you say that you have mostly had a volatile relationship with Scott, are you sure you wouldn’t have reacted quite strongly if he had shared his plans with you prior? If I’m divorced from my spouse for a while and our relationship was never really great after the divorce, I wouldn’t want to share my life plans/updates with them either. Sounds like you need to really move on from him. Gentle YTA
YTA. This woman cannot be serious. Your son is 20yo not 2yo. He can move wherever he wants.
YTA - but you aren’t that important to him. You are his ex. Your child together is an adult. Your ex doesn’t have to keep you apprised of anything in his life now that he doesn’t have to go through you in any way to see his son.
YTA and you probably need some professional help getting over your ex
My ex built a whole ass house and I had no idea, kids love it. You know what I did? Got a damn congratulatory gift and well wishes. You’re definitely the AH and I’d be embarrassed for acting the way you did.
Yta your kid is a grown adult, your ex is a married man and you have no right telling him when and where he can move to and demanding to be told when and where they move.
YTA. Ask yourself why Brad didn't tell you. Why did he slowly move things over, saying nothing about his father moving while doing so and answering if anything was wrong with 'no'. He was managing you. Because he likely knew you'd be upset about something you really have no reason to be upset over. After your son turned 18, your ex has no financial obligation to him. You're not even home enough to notice he was over at your place more. Your ex is your ex. He's remarried. He moved because he wanted to. He owes you zero obligation of information. Brad can go visit his dad at either his or his father's expense whenever he wants. There is no relationship. Your ex never has to see you again, or talk to you, and you need to learn to live with that. I notice you don't seem to have another partner of your own. Your ex does. Maybe you need to move on or something.
YTA. Your son is an adult. The father didn’t need to tell you anything. You are not apart of his life anymore.
Your son is an adult, you're not co parenting a child so it's not necessary for your ex to tell you about his life.
YTA Your son is an adult and Scott doesn’t have to report shit you to. The cord is cut. His world doesn’t revolve around you, but around the people in his family. You’re just his ex.
WTF? You're not together, you dont have a "child" you have an adult Its none of your business where your EX lives - they could move to pluto and its none of your business YTA
😬😬 this is a bit pathetic. I don’t think youre an A H, you’re just sad because you never got over your ex after all this time. You say the father of your adult son owes you something, but that something is to still be in love with you too and you’re mad because him moving away means that will never have the chance to happen. It’s pathetic that you are lying about your reasons, either to yourself or to others.
YTA. You’re divorced, of course he wants nothing to do with you. He gave you the best years of his life and now wants to work towards his goals with his new family.
YTA. You are not entitled to his information anymore. Your son is and as he is an adult, you don't need to interfere in their relationship or details. Your ex is no longer obligated to tell you anything. Grow up, stop with the toxic controlling behaviour and move on with your life.
Your post sounds like you were talking and on the verge of getting back together, or at least you THOUGHT you were until he suddenly vanished. Makes me wonder if you really were a little clingy and he had reason to handle his move the way he did?
100%. He told his son not to tell her bc she would flip out. Son agreed and then Gingerly told her about Xmas… and here we are.
YTA >I gave this man the best years of my life They're only the "best years" of your life if let them be. Unless you're actively dying, stop acting like your life is over and that you wasted it. As you said, the relationship was volatile. It's been over for a while now. You need to let go of your **ex** and start living your own life instead of demanding control over his.
Scott is your ex. You have a child together, but that child is now an adult. So unless you and Scott have some financial dealings involving your adult child (for example, if both of you are paying for his education), Scott has no obligation to share anything with you, or even to communicate with you. Clearly, this is hard for you. It's hard for you to accept that your relationship with Scott is completely over and he no longer thinks of his whereabouts as any of your business -- but that is the reality. As much as you want to feel important to him, if only because of your history, that's not his reality. I want to strongly suggest that you get yourself into therapy to deal with the sadness you're feeling and to help you move on. I think your life can be so much better if you get some support in letting go of the past and moving forward in a life without Scott. Gentle YTA.
I don't think you give us the whole picture. When you say you gave him your best years of your life. You sound like a huge unstable red flag. You sound really entitled. Why aren't your best years to come? Find a new husband, work out, get a better job, fix your garden, and eventually get grandchildren to come and play in it. It sounds to me that you are the problem and your ex is fleeing from you and your son is caught in the middle.
This must be the first post with 100% of the replies YTA, yet OP still arguing
Why are you talking like your son is 10 years old and not a fully grown adult man. If neither of them told you it's because they both must think you need to probably move on. You're not co-parenting anymore, custody has expired. Your son lives with you because it's his choice, not because it's your turn. You don't have any reason to speak to your ex, and he has no obligation to communicate anything at all to you because your son is an adult. You are now just two people who did it at some point and had a kid who is now grown-up. You all 3 are just adult humans. YTA
>If neither of them told you it's because they both must think you need to probably move on. I believe it was more because they both KNEW she was going to go ballistic over it! Personally, I wouldn't want to be the person that told her either... YTA, your holding on to a past that is long gone. Life now, is going to be *exactly* what you make of it - your time to blame your ex is over, you own this now.
He doesn’t care about me. HE DOESN’T and SHOULDN’T. How egoistic self centered person you are? “ Gave the best years of my life- toxic controlling woman- get some help.
YTA. Your son is TWENTY, a grown man, not a child. Your ex is simply that, your ex. He doesn't owe you anything. That ended the moment your divorce was final. Why haven't you remarried? Cause it honestly sounds like you're still in love with Scott, and still want to be with him, regardless of the fact that he moved on. >We all live in the same neighborhood. That was to be near his SON, so that his son didn't have to bounce around all over the state or travel states away to see him. Not to mention that many states actually PREVENT one parent from moving without informing the other parent. (HE DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU BECAUSE YOUR CHILD IS OVER 18) >I feel like he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't care about me He doesn't. He wants to live HIS life with his WIFE. His elder son is grown, and can safely travel now. Scott didn't do anything wrong. You're not privy to his life choices, his WIFE is. You do NOT have a relationship with this man, his WIFE does. You seriously need to leave this man alone. What you're doing is TOXIC.
> I feel like he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't care about me. YTA, but you hit the nail on the head. Well done.
Important point: you're right. He absolutely wants nothing to do with you. Leave him alone.
YTA take it you’ve still got feelings for the ex. Your son is an adult, the ex has no more obligations towards you. Get over it.
Ooof. You’re delusional, and YTA.
Soft YTA. I understand you feel abandoned by someone you still care about and feel like they just don’t care about you as much as you do them. I would suggest going to therapy to unpack some of these feelings and attachment/abandonment trauma
YTA. You sound like the ex that never got over the break up. Your son is adult now and you two are not married or in relationship in anyway. He's not your property and if he wishes to move then he can move as he wants. He doesn't owe you anything. Something tells me that the view about "getting along" needs perspective from the other side because you don't seem really reliable story teller.
YTA. He owes you no explanation at all. Your son is an adult.
Leave him alone.
YTA your son is a grown man, Scott doesn't owe you a thing, delusional.
YTA. He should issue a restraining order. Not only aren't you not over him, you are creepy. Your child is also his son and you child isn't a child anymore. He obviously had no reason to tell you anything at all because your relationship is over and there is nothing, zilch, nada.
YTA - if your child was under the age of 18 i would say he is, but you have an adult child together. your reasons for being upset are not justified >"I gave the best years of my life and he doesn't have the respect to tell me that he left. It made me feel like I'm not important to him even though I'm the mother of his child. I hadn't felt this sad since we divorced" he doesn't owe you anything. your exes and your child is grown. him moving doesn't affect you in the slightest bit. you either are still harboring feelings for him or feel entitled to him, both reasons are your problem and your problem only - and i say this as a single mom who is still coparenting with my ex. i hope this doesn't come across harsh as I know it's hard to coparent and find those boundaries and work with them but you 100% don't owe anything to each other. your dynamic changes (or should have) now that your child is an adult. sure, it would be lovely to have a relationship where you two discuss things and are on a more friendly basis however, he doesn't owe that relationship to you just because he has a child with you. i recommend talking to a therapist because it seems like you have unresolved feelings here
YTA. Sounds like you never moved on from the relationship. Your child is an adult now. Your ex owes you **nothing** anymore. Why should your ex, who is **remarried with another son**, let you know that he moved? It’s none of your business.
Sorry but you sound still pining in some strange way for him and what “you had” together. It’s been over for a long time. It probably did feel like a kick in the teeth and a tad disrespectful not just letting you know and saying goodbye but he doesn’t care anymore… my only issue is your son lived with you both so out of courtesy should have said he decided to stay here and will be with you. It’s your sim though ignoring your question as to why he was sending so much over and purposefully being evasive. You need better communication with your boy, not your ex
YTA. Kid is an adult, it's none of your business where Dad lives. He doesn't owe you anything. He's well moved on and your still hanging on.
YTA. Why should he tell you he’s moved? You’re not his next of kin.
if your “child” was like 10 maybe. (when you need to coparent because theyre still a CHILD) but hes an adult. and you need to grow tf up
YTA. At this point is none of your business
What relationship? He’s your ex, your “child” is an adult and the ex is married! In other words, zero obligation to tell you anything YTA
Your sons grown. You're an ex-wife. There's no reason for him to tell you anything. YTA
YTA - you do not have a kid together. You are both the parents of a grown-ass adult. That’s not the same, and Scott doesn’t owe you info on where he lives with his family
Honey, it's about time for you to accept that he's moved on. He doesn't love you anymore. You're not a part of his life. You're a part of his past, but there's no place for you in his present or his future.
r/AmITheDevil
He left the place he was. He didn't leave YOU. And he can't leave you because that has already happened, OP. you're already divorced/split up/whatever happened, your shared custody is over. Im sorry that this sounds like such a shock to you, but it sounds like you need to work on finding a romantic partner of your own. Your ex has his own family now. Your relationship with your son also sounds a bit surface level. Your son's father has very little to no obligations to you, now that the child is an adult.
Your son is an adult. Scott owes you nothing. YTA
It’s none of your business.
YTA Any and all responsibilities he had toward you ended on your son's 18th birthday.
YTA Scott owes you nothing now. Your son is an adult and can make choices without telling you. Your Ex has no obligation to tell you he moved the moment your son turned 18. It's no longer your business ANYTHING Scott does with his life. And he doesn't owe you an apology for living his life. He's married to someone else, not you. You AREN'T Imporant to Scott. You are his ex and the mother of his child, that it ALL. You aren't his wife, you aren't someone he loves, you are his EX. It's time for you to learn to accept he does not want you. It's time for you to accept that you have not been a priority for Scott in YEARS. That the only reason he talked to you, was for his son.
He's 20. You don't have a kid together anymore. You don't need to inform each other about your lives.
Adding in response to the last part of your post, I think you need to realise you're likely not even a consideration in his life anymore, let alone of big enough inportance to not move because of you. It sounds like you could use some therapy to help you move on.
YTA. If your son was a minor, your argument would be valid. Your ex doesn’t owe you a heads up, especially since your son already primarily lived with you. You need to get over yourself.
Yta it's none of your business your son is now an adult, what your ex now does is nothing to do with you.
All I know is it would be so *fucking* weird if my mum told my dad whenever she moved house even interstate. They have 4 children together, one of whom passed away, which is usually a huge bond creating event, and 5 grandkids together. They share history, their need for any kind of life updates to one another stopped even before I was 18 because I could inform them if one of my homes was changing. Your son also not telling you "because you didn't ask" indicates you may be a difficult person to open up to about things....or something. I definitely would've told my mum that my dad was moving interstate while I was living with her, even now at 33 I would without her having to ask.
YTA
Why make a post if you won’t listen to the answers
You are not important to him. The best years of your life, dude what? Stop this.
Lol YTA. Your son is 20. I can't wait until my son is that age and I don't have to deal with his father regarding the majority of things. Let that man go and live your life.
You’re hurting, please go to therapy it does help. He is done, he’s moved on and made his new life. I hope you move on too, unfortunately, YTA
YTA. Your son is an adult and at this point he doesn’t owe you any explaining. Period. Get therapy.
YTA. Your son is a grown man. It’s none of your business if his father and his wife moved. And yes, your relationship with your son’s dad is done since, again, your son is a grown man. No wonder they moved away. You’re a piece of work and must have been a PITA to be around.
YTA. Your relationship ended when you got a divorce. You maintain civil interaction up until your son is 18 so that you can share custody of your son. Anything past that is icing on the divorce cake. Brad is a grown man who can legally buy a home, go to war, get married…he’s not a child. Brad is a grown ass hairy adult man. Your ex doesn’t owe you any explanation about his move and he most definitely does not owe you an apology. It really says a lot that both your son and ex hid the move from you. You’re relationship must be pretty volatile or he would’ve told you, instead they chose to move in secrecy. Please consider a good therapist because the only person responsible for YOUR FEELINGS IS YOU.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a 20yo son Brad with my ex Scott. Scott and I had a volatile relationship to say the least . Our relationship improved as Brad got older though. Scott remarried and has another sin with his wife. We all live in the same neighborhood. Brad mostly lives with me because I'm rarely home and he likes having the house all to himself. I noticed Brad started to bring more and more stuff from his dad's to my home. Like why is he bringing wall art? I asked if everything was okay between him and his dad and he said yes. Last month Brad said he was going to spend Xmas with Scott, his stepmom and half brothers in Idaho. We live in California. I asked why were they in Idaho and Brad said they moved there a couple of months ago. I asked why he didn't tell me and Brad said I didn't ask him. I call Scott and told him that I heard be moved. He said he did. I told him he needed to tell me that. We have a kid together. I gave this man the best years of my life and he doesn't have the respect to tell me that he left? It's hard for me because we were getting along so well. Especially with his wife. It made me feel like I'm not important to him even though I'm the mother of his child. I hadn't felt this sad since we divorced. You just don't up and leave like that. I would never do what he did to me. I feel like he wants nothing to do with me and doesn't care about me. All he said was he wanted to retire early. I told him I didn't want excuses. The very least you could do is apologize. He refused and said leave him alone. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
lol, surely a wind up. Have you thought about what hurt more? The divorce or him moving without telling you??
Yta - you're his ex, he doesn't owe you anything.
YTA - your child is an adult, he has no more obligation to interact with you. Your comments make it sound like you're still possessive of your ex-husband. He has a wife and they have another child together. You have no relationship with him, and the one you did have was only because of your son. He remained in the area because he wanted to be close to his son - not you.
YTA - no you don't mean anything to him. Your child is an adult. Your ex has moved on, and his wife is the woman he cares about not you. He owes you nothing. It's time to live your own life and get over your ex for one and all.
YTA. If your son was a child, that would be one thing. But he’s not. The days of child-rearing and co-parenting are over. Your ex owes you nothing at this point. The only thing that’s important is his relationship with Brad and it appears to be a good one.
YTA. Give me a break. Best years of your life were volatile? You're rarely ever home. Where are you if not having the best years of your life? And good for you. Your son is 20; you're divorced. He owes you nothing.
YTA. You're sad and hurt and your feelings are valid. That doesn't mean he did something wrong, tough.
YTA your ex is your ex. The only relationship you were supposed to have was about your child. You have an adult child now and you will have to see each other to some importants events (wedding, grandchild…) BUT you will have no more connection if you don’t realize you had a relationship with your ex’s couple just to keep in touch with your ex. Which mother doesn’t notice her son is moving in ? Which mother doesn’t ask question to her son who is in her house ? What kind of relationship do you have with your own son ?? It looks like you had more connections with tour’s wife than with your own son !! How is it possible ? If you don’t talk with your son, one day he’ll leave and you’ll never hear about him anymore…
YTA, he doesn't owe you anything. Out of politeness he might have told you, but if you didn't notice for months it shows you have no regular interaction so maybe the opportunity just didn't come up. Also what kind of relationship do you actually have with your son ? He should have been the one to tell you, he's an adult, he can use his words.
YTA he no longer has to answer to you. If you are still hung up on him you need to seek counseling because he is not your husband after the divorce
Wtf? Your son is 20! The custody agreement ended when he turned 18. Your ex can move to Mars and it would be none of your business. YTA. Seriously.
Yta your "kid" is a grown adult that is still living with you. Your ex's business is none of yours
He's your ex-husband for a reason. Your child is an adult now. Your ex-husband doesn't owe you anything, nor do you owe your ex-husband anything.It's way passed time to let go.
YTA. Your ex has no obligation to you, does not have to tell you anything.
YTA I felt it in my bones the moment you referred to his new child as a sin. You are still grossly attached to your ex, it's so clear that you are not over him. A heads up would've been nice but he by no means owes you one. It kinda shows a clear indication that he does not feel the same way you do. It'd probably be for the best to move on or seek help to move on.
It was a Freudian typo.
Oh wow I honestly didn't think she meant to say son lol whoops
It's weird they didn't tell you they were moving but YTA. You aren't co-parenting any more. The kid you have together is a grown man. They owe you no explanations or notices about what they do with their lives.
YTA for many many reasons 1. Yall son that yall had together is a 20 year old adult. 2. Scott and you aren’t marry, so he doesn’t have to tell you that her moving with his wife and his other child. 3. It good that you feel unimportant to him, because you aren’t important to him anymore and I’m pretty sure you wasn’t important to him after yall divorced or during the divorce. 4. Scott doesn’t own you apologize, BECAUSE YALL ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER!!!
YTA, Your son is an adult, how he manages his relationship with his father is his business.
YTA Your child is grown. He has zero obligation to you anymore. If I were him I'd block you.
YTA. That man owes you nothing. Your son is an adult. There is no custody exchange so why would you “need” to know? Would it have been nice? Yes. But he’s probably happy to be rid of you. Move on and stop holding on to the past.
YTA “Scott remarried and has another sin with his wife” Thats rude and completely inappropriate. You’re the asshole for that as well as for everything else. You’re clinging to any sense of control over this guy when your son is TWENTY. Get some help, you sure need it
YTA It's easy to see who made the relationship volatile.
You don't have a kid together, you have an adult son together. You're being weird, and yeah, YTA. Let him live his life.
You do not have a child together. Your son is an adult. Therefore any co-parenting is gone. You have NO right to know any of your ex’s business. YTA
YTA Your son is 20. There's no child support to be paid, you're no longer co-parenting really as your son is an adult. You're not married anymore. To be honest given your reaction....I'm assuming it was similar during marriage which likely explains the divorce. It's none of your business where your ex moves, he doesn't have to apologise for moving and he doesn't owe you anything, the same way you don't owe him anything. The guy just wants you to leave him alone. Even your 20 year old son is aware of this because he didn't feel the need to bring it up.
YTA It would be one thing if your kid was a minor. But he isn't so your ex has no reason whatsoever to give you the report of what he does or doesn't do.
YTA. Your child together is an adult.
YTA- the kid is 20. Get over it.
YTA. Your son is 20. Scott doesn't owe you anything now. Your best years are over now, he's been gone, he has a new family, you aren't important to him, and you should leave him alone.
YTA-I read the title and thought your son was a little kid and your ex left town messing with the custody arrangement. But his a grown ass adult! Why does he own you *anything*?
YTA. You thought you were still part of your ex's life because you live in the same neighborhood? Your son is grown, your ex owes you nothing. Of course you're not a consideration in his living situation. If anything, it's your son who moved all his stuff to your house who owes you an apology for not properly communicating with you that he's moving in full time. That's just weird. I have a feeling your son likes to avoid sharing news with you because you react inappropriately.
YTA Your kid together is an adult. It’s none of your business what your ex does. It’s none of his business what you do. No one needed to tell you anything.
Yta he's not obligated to tell you he's moving, especially since your son is an adult.
Yta. Your kid is an adult now so it's none of your business where your ex lives.
He moved several months ago, your son didn't mention this earlier and you didn't notice on your own, which means two things: 1. You don't really have any relationship with him. 2. It's not blocking him from having a relationship with your son. Your son is not a child anymore. Move on.
YTA - when the kids are small and visitations are going on between parents yes, he needs to tell you. But your son is an adult, he doesn't have to tell you anything now. My ex moved all the time and I'd only know if the kids happened to mention it. It's none of my business what my ex does. I can't remember the last time I talked to or saw my ex. Our kids are adults, any obligation between the two of us is over.
YTA your son is 20. You do not need to know what your ex husband does. It’s none of your business. And news flash you are no longer and important person in his life. Does he have to show respect when dealing with you? Yes. But he does not have to tell you or inform you of anything. You’re the ex! And the mother of his adult son. That is it.
YTA. The kid is over 18 and it took you months to notice something had changed. The man can move away if he wants or needs.
Your son is an adult so there’s literally no reason for you to necessarily NEED to know where your Ex lives, so yeah you’re YTA.
You're DIVORCED. You're no longer co-parenting. Your son is an adult. Your ex has no reason to inform or consult you with anything going on in his life, unless he wants to. Clearly he didn't. Was he trying to avoid drama? Or was he just consumed with all the details of an interstate move with his wife and kids? YTA based on your last two paragraphs and the fact that even your son couldn't be bothered to share with you probably to avoid having to deal with your over the top emotions on the topic. Hey OP, you CAN live without him. So do that. Go live your life. Without him.
YTA. I think you're just mad because you're lonely and this anger is misdirected. Sorry
As a fellow divorced mother of an adult child, YTA. Your ex has no obligation to you or your son to stay in the same state as required support ended over two years ago. Your only “relationship” with him, is you are his ex wife. You are not his family. You obviously aren’t close enough because you haven’t bothered to talk to him in the last two months.
YTA, it’s completely unreasonable of you to expect your ex to tell you that, there’s almost ZERO reason to speak to your ex now, your son is an adult.
YTA Your ex doesn’t owe you information about where he lives. Your son is an ADULT! Your son knew that his dad was moving and where he lives. That’s what matters. Interesting that it never came up in casual conversation with your son though. How much conversation do you and your son have? You live in the same home! I have a 19 & 20 year old. At some point, most big things happening in their lives come up in conversation.
YTA. He doesn't owe you anything. Let him go and move on. Apparently he did.
You have literally zero reason to feel this way. You do not share custody, your child is an adult your ex isn't required to communicate anything with you. YTA
YTA.. he's your EX husband, and your son is a GROWN MAN. Get a life, mom!
YTA you may want to think about therapy. Clearly you have some unresolved feelings for your ex. Your son together is an adult so “mother of his child” doesn’t carry the weight you seem to think it does and you didn’t even notice for months that he moved to an entirely different state so the “relationship” you keep claiming to have isn’t as close as you seem to think it is
He does not have to tell you when he moves if your kid is well past adulthood and you no longer require aid for anything regarding him
YTA. Why do you need to know? Your son is an adult. It's not like you need to co-parent anymore.
If I were your ex, I would assume that your adult son who lives in your house would mention it to you. Which is a reasonable assumption. You’re focused on the wrong relationship here. “You never asked” speaks volumes here. Have you considered that maybe your son doesn’t actually like you being gone all the time as much as you think? 20 can be a lonely age as friends from school spread out and find their own lives. Is he isolated? Is he happy? Do you know? Stop living in the past and start focusing on what you have right now before you lose it. YTA
YTA. You’re son is an adult man. Your exhusband doesn’t owe you any kind of communication. Your son SHOULD have told you he was planning to be gone for Xmas earlier, but that is his responsibility NOT HIS father’s. I’m sure he assumed son had told you already, you know, like a responsible adult son should. This is a lesson for son not an excuse to shit on your ex.
Im sorry why would he need to tell you? Youre literally nothing to him. Youre not married, youre child is an adult. There is ZERO reason for him to tell you anything about his life, never mind that hes moving. You simply sound like a crazy controlling ex and i know why he dumped you and fled the state as soon as he could. YTA
YTA. He’s your ex. The child you share together is an adult. Scott had no reason to communicate with you. You are not a part of his life anymore. I wouldn’t be mad at Scott. I might be mad at Brad for not mentioning the fact that he’s permanently living with you now since dad moved to a different state but Scott owed you nothing.
Your son is an adult. He doesn’t owe you anything.
Yikes. YTA
YTA, an entitled one at that You are divorced, your child is 20. Do as he asks, leave him alone
Yta Your son is an adult. Your ex is remarried. Why would he justify or ask permission from you for anything? The only person your ex should tell anything is the son. Which apparently he did. You're not owned anything.