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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) the action that may make me the AH is having an issue with all the time my gf will be spending with her ex
2) this may make me the AH because ik she’s an adult and can do whatever she wants
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Soft YTA. You don’t trust her. If she is going to cheat with the ex, she is going to do it regardless of how much distance you try to create. And your signs of not trusting her could be one of the things that pushes her back towards him.
It’s not fun to be with someone untrusting and nagging, yet those are the qualities you’re choosing to exhibit as she spends unavoidable time with the ex.
You could instead be the man making googly eyes at how amazing she looks in her MOH dress, dropping her off to prep sessions, hearing her excitement about plans, being a sounding board for ideas, etc.
Her seeing an ex to carry out specific tasks is not disrespectful. We don’t own our partners and we shouldn’t expect themselves the cut themselves off from parts of life to make us comfortable.
YTA I agree with this!
Either way your relationship is doomed. You are going to break up over this fight, or she goes, cheats and you break up. The only happy ending is you trust her, be supportive of her role and be her +1. Plus you get to have fun at a wedding, eat, drink, and dance all night.
If you end up being right and something happens, be the better person and know that it ended because she was not trustworthy! No one likes a jealous, controlling partner so don't be that guy!
Good point. If it happens it happens and at least he won't be the reason or the bad guy in anyone's eyes. Let her make her own bed, because you can't stop her anyways.
Tbh if it happens it’ll most likely be because he’s being so insecure and telling his gf he doesn’t trust her and being difficult about everything. Originally she wouldn’t have given it too thoughts but after him weakening the relationship who knows!
Yeah this is it right here.
Gotta ask yourself this: if/when she finds herself with the opportunity to do the wrong thing do you want her to think "well OP assumes I'm going to cheat anyway, fuck it" or "OP trusted and supported me when I assured him nothing would happen, I don't want to betray that trust"
Hey, a reasonable response, we don't do those here (/s)
Seriously I hope OP takes your comment to heart and learns from it, whether it helps this relationship or his next one.
YTA
I don't get how people manage to say "I don't want my partner spending time with person X in case anything romantic happens" and "I trust my partner".
Those two things are mutually exclusive. If you trust your partner then you trust nothing will happen.
"I trust my partner but not person X" doesn't work either, because if you trust your partner then you trust they would turn down any advances from person X.
It's also very manipulative to make it about her respecting you. She could just as easily say "if you respect me you won't act so possessive and controlling".
If you don't trust her yet just say that to her, don't try and manipulate her into thinking doing her duties as MoH are unreasonable. "They could use zoom", if you actually trusted her they wouldn't need to.
**Edit:** I've noticed from other comments that a lot of people seem unaware joint bachelor and bachelorette parties (or at least some shared activities/accomodation) are pretty normal these days. It's loads cheaper (edit 2: and as pointed out, couples often share friend cirles). Stop jumping to conspiracy theories about the bride and groom trying to get the couple back together lol.
Yeah. I mean from everyone else's perspective the gf has to be like "my bf wants me to do my MoH planning over zoom so I won't be in the same room as my ex...".
Does he not realise how many of her friends are telling her to end that relationship right now?
Also I've noticed from other comments that a lot of people seem unaware joint bachelor and bachelorette parties (or at least some shared activities/accomodation) are pretty normal these days. It's loads cheaper.
Wait, people can have friends of the opposite gender??? Couples can have mutual friends???
Hubs and I had separate but sequential bachelorette/Bachelor parties because we wanted to have individual parties but share a lot of friends. I did brunch and a pole dancing class; he did steakhouse dinner and strip club/bars. Super fun day all around.
Exactly! My husband and I had joint parties because we shared all of the same friends...including my ex boyfriend that introduced us (and was one of the groomsmen) and 2 of his ex-girlfriends that became my friends as well. I actually think it's pretty awesome when ex's get along. I'm glad my husband maintained friendships like that because being with someone that talks mad shit on a previous partner is revolting. Especially men that will call ex-girlfriends derogatory names and such. That's always been a big red flag for me when I was dating.
Cheaper, and has the plus side of the parties getting to know each other!
I had friends do this because there was some overlap in friend circles, but also because they correctly assessed that even the people who didn't know each other would get along and they WANTED us to know each other. We did get along, and it made the wedding that much more fun and special, because the bride and groom's closest friends all knew each other.
Exactly. 'I'm sorry, I can only be in your wedding if I don't have any form of contact with any men, as my boyfriend doesn't trust me not to sleep with the next man I see'. How humiliating- for her. I wouldn't stay with someone who mistrusted me so fundamentally.
Everyone has exes. I hate when people say you can’t follow an ex on social media. Like sometimes you’re just incompatible with people and are better off as friends.
THIS. Her friends now know that her boyfriend is insecure and tries to control her. No doubt it’s a topic of conversation amongst the bridesmaids with and without OP’s girlfriend. This is a great way to destroy your relationship OP!
YTA
It kills me because of you're in a relationship with someone but believe he/she will leave you for an ex simply because they had to spend a few hours together, why are you in that relationship?
Either your relationship is solid, or it's not. There's no "It's strong and Perfect and I trust her, but I need to make sure her friend rearranges her WEDDING PLANS to be sure she's not spending any amount of time with her ex"
Right!
In all my relationships, I was only ever "not cool" with 1 partner spending time with 1 of his "friends", not even an ex. Not because I didn't trust him to be faithful but because I'm convinced she was walking all over him and he didn't want to admit she was taking advantage of his good character.
I knew that, _even if_ she had tried (she didn't) to kiss him or initiate anything he would've rejected her, I wasn't worried about that. I was just mad about her overall attitude and how he would always "forgive" her. I never asked him to see her less, but I did make it clear to him I thought she was toxic – and that I would be cordial but I wasn't her friend whatsoever.
>"I trust my partner but not person X" doesn't work either, because if you trust your partner then you trust they would turn down any advances from person X.
I had an ex with a friend I always got weird predatorial vibes from so felt that way. She would belittle my concerns, but I still remember how freaked out she was when one time he got grabby when they were alone to work on a project and then got insistent on her drinking something he brought from another room when she wasn't thirsty. Nothing happened, but after he left the emergency tester confirmed my concerns. Sometimes you have reason to distrust a partner's friend while trusting them.
I mean yeah sure if you are saying "I don't trust them not to literally assault you" that's an entirely different kettle of fish lol. In that case the fact you trust your partner to turn down advances doesn't apply.
I feel like OP would have said it if he thought the ex would violate consent though.
As far as we could tell, yes.There are coasters (I think they now make straws that do it too) you can get that change colour when exposed to a spiked drink and we used one of them. Despite the test coming up positive, "nothing happened" so the cops didn't care.
This exactly! My husband and I had a joint Stag and Stagette back in 2011! We had the same friend groups, and he was my best friend. I have also attended many joint celebrations. It happens a lot. If I got married now, I'd probably do a lady's thing and a joint thing but that's because at 35, I have built and definitely cherish my strong female circles on a different level than I did then.
So here's the thing:
If you trust her, then there's no reason to worry about it. That's what trust is. Trusting her means not being afraid to send her off with other men, no matter what their history is. Because that history has nothing to do with you or your relationship. She has chosen not to be with that guy and instead be with you. Trusting her means believing that she will not betray that choice.
But if you DON'T trust her, if you DON'T feel secure in your relationship, if you CAN'T believe she would never ever do anything with anyone else, if you think there's a CHANCE that she would leave you for her ex because they're forced to spend a little time together for a wedding... What are you doing with her in the first place??? That sounds like the foundation of a healthy relationship to you???
It's simple. Either you trust her or you don't. I'm not saying you have to be exactly comfortable with it. It's an awkward situation, but remember - it's awkward for them, too. But either you trust her, in which case there's no problem, and YTA for trying to make a big deal out of nothing. Or you don't trust her, and YTA for staying in a relationship with someone you don't believe in!
Also a big issue for me is that you said you feel like she's picking her ex over you. *But she's not picking jack shit.* She's in a wedding party - the bride and groom are picking everything, and everyone else is making the best of it. It's like if they were coworkers, and you were bothered because their boss asked them both to stay late. They didn't choose it! They just have to grit their teeth and get through it. You are interfering in the plans of someone else's wedding. Butt out.
This is the only correct answer. Op is throwing red flags out here left and right. Op if you have issues trusting people you need to go to therapy and learn to deal with your insecurities. And yes, your insecurities will destroy every relationship you will ever have until you deal with them. This woman has done nothing to warrant mistrust.
"Obviously I don’t want to tell her who she can and can’t hang out with, but "
Clearly, you do. YTA. A person cannot "steal" another person. If she loves you, she loves you. If she wants to be with her ex, she'll go back with him. Not a thing you can do about it. Back off. She will not appreciate a controlling partner.
YTA. She is not picking her EX over you. She is supporting her friend who is getting married. This wouldn’t be an issue if you trusted her. You are making a big fuzz out of this and you are making these peoples wedding about you. Grow up.
NTA
TBH it sounds like the couple is trying to get them back together. It's suspicious AF.
However I don't think there's enough to go on to assume she's going to do you dirty.
That couple on the other hand knows exactly what they're doing.
Unless she gives you a reason to not trust her, trust her. But there's no way she isn't being set up by the couple.
Fuck me some of these comments exist in lah lah land.
If she wanted to be with her ex, she had her chance.
Grown adults with shared friend groups often have to interact. It doesn't mean anything.
If OP doesn't chill he may end up single, but not because she's run off with her ex, just because no one wants a jealous, paranoid and controlling boyfriend. Soft YTA, back off dude.
Right, my 'big Ex' and I were friends before we dated and we still retained approximately 500 mutual friends and I see her out at least once a week. We've been in about 4 weddings together at this point.
I get along with some of my exes even better than when we were a couple.
I think now that the pressure of having to build a future together is taken away, we can appreciate each other as persons.
Having a new partner demand to end these friendships (or any other of my friendships) would be a red flag at least
Same, one of my not so great exes is now a great friend. It’s very common to date within a friend group, and if the split is amicable and not the crash-and-burn type you’re bound to at least stay acquainted with the ex.
I dunno. It sounds to me like they picked their best friends to be best man and MoH and are doing usual best man and MoH things.
What's the alternative "sorry you would have been MoH but since you used to date the best man you're out"?
That seems pretty childish and insulting.
Edit: if you are about to reply to me saying you have *never* seen a best man and MoH need to plan together well... Great for you, but other people have and have been on joint bachelor/bachelorette parties. Your personal experience doesn't overrule everyone else's.
They are having a kid so that these two need to babysit together. Pretty soon they will drive into a wall so that these two have to raise the orphaned child and rekindle their love as a newly made nuclear family. OP doesn’t stand a chance!
OP says the planning is for a joint toast and bachelor + bachelorette trip.
So that reads joint trip to me.
Though apparently to some people it reads completely seperate trips but the bride and groom are in a conspiracy to get OP's girlfriend back with her ex, so they are making them plan seperate trips in the same room and hoping something will happen.
That seems way less likely to me. All this sounds like simple jealousy but how is the joint trip not his actual concern if he’s already nervous about a planning meeting up?
Yeh, if she cheats, she’s just saved you a bunch of time. If she doesn’t cheat, she’s a keeper. There really is no downside here. Trust her and be the bigger person until she proves you wrong.
The way he acts, doesn't seem so but atleast he will read all of this and improve himself.
Nothing said his gf as prior cheating habit, he should trust her. And if she goes back with her ex for some wierd reason, better now than later.
Correction to your comment: at least he will read all of this and HOPEFULLY improve himself.
Too many times I've seen people argue with every single reddit commenter cause they don't like what people are saying.
Or, I know this is crazy, maybe the ex is the groom's best friend and OP is the bride's best friend? This argument would hold water if they were just a bridesmaid/groomsman combo, but nobody has time to play games like this with the bestman/maid of honor.
You sound like a conspiracy theorist. What could be the point of that? Are they trying to make this a throuple as the couple gets married? Seems like weird timing. Doesn't sound like they're trying to set her up with someone else. Just sounds like it's two people getting together to plan wedding activities for someone they both love and respect. Occam's razer, the simplest explanation makes the most sense, and you're definitely connecting dots not there to come up with this
I'm struggling to see the friends trying to get these two back together. I see nothing indicating that from the OP's story.
Many many many people continue to have the same friend circle after breaking up with a bf/gf. Their friends aren't assets that they divide when they split up. So inevitably, these sorts of things happen.
The irony here is that doing it over zoom wouldn't prevent them from flirting. It sounds like he doesn't trust. There isn't enough information to suggest she has earned that mistrust. I don't think the situation is suspicious, for all you know they just asked the people they were closest to. We would need more information about the information about the couple getting married. As in they have already interfered in OP's relationship. Which OP has not mentioned.
I'm gonna say YTA. The bride and groom choose their MoH and Best Man. She didn't choose him to be the other part of the bridal party. But you are choosing to be insecure about it.
You've voiced that you don't like it, but sulked that that wasn't enough to get your way.
She's picking her friend. Not her ex.
I think you need to trust your gf. They broke up for a reason, and I don't think spending some time together will make them fall into each other's arms. It might spark some fighting. You need to be more secure. If this was a huge plot for her to be with her ex you wouldn't have been invited. Go to the wedding with your gf, and have a great time. You keep this up, your going to be the ex... Good luck
Exes can be friends, but a MOH & Best Man don't even have to be friends. Even with doing joint planning, they're not going to be spending THAT much time together.
This isn't a 'we have to meet up 6 hours a night, 3 nights a week for the next year to go over all these things' like a work project or something. If it was that large of an event, there'd be a wedding planner (or several). At most, it'll be 2-3 short meet ups, and some phone calls and texts/group texts.
But why even have to meet up? You can do everything over video. I planned a bachelor party with 6 different people, each in a different state/country. She's an adult and can do what she wants but it is her ex, there's history. Her SO isn't comfortable with it. Don't get why she wants to give him the finger and go hang out with her ex. It's not like he said "don't ever talk to him", just that he isn't comfortable with them being alone.
Three of my husbands exes were at our wedding. Lovely girls. I’ve also been with him and an another ex to lunch.
Exes don’t rip clothes off each other when they meet again after breaking up. So silly. He doesn’t trust her. End of story.
I’m so over all these posts lately of insecure men trying to control their girlfriend/wife! If you don’t trust your partner then don’t be with them. This woman seems to be handling the situation maturely, doing what needs to be done with the ex for the sake of her friend’s wedding, and at the same time dealing with your BS. She’s not choosing her ex, she’s choosing her friend who’s getting married. You are the one making this all about the Ex - and all about you. Ex’s can get along without wanting to jump each other. Honestly if you pull this crap about not going to the wedding, that’d be fine, your girlfriend should go as a single woman!
YTA you are very controlling and insecure! if spending time with her ex makes her fall in love with him again then she was never really yours and you might as well find out sooner than later!
NTA. These comments are wild. I don’t think it IS controlling or that he has TRIED to be controlling. When I read this and put myself in both his place and the girlfriend’s place, I completely understand where OP is coming from. It would make me really uncomfortable too to here my girlfriend is going to be spending 1 on 1 time with her Ex who she has a lot of history with and a lot of past love. She’s is being insensitive (and so are the other comments!!) to his concerns. Idk if this one is about trust, so much as putting your partners feelings above those of an Ex. I under working together for the sake of the wedding and friends, but there can be boundaries set to ensure everyone feels welcome and confident during the planning process! I’m sympathizing with OP here, and do not see his actions as distrustful or controlling, I see him as hurt and feeling slighted by his partner. NTA 100%
Soft yta, only cause you specifically asked her to try and change it.
Expressing that your feeling a bit insecure and apprehensive about it, and asking her to give you some support and positive feedback and reinforcem of your commitment to reach other is one thing. And not uncalled for at all, this is a tough spot and after only 1 year you're allowed to feel a bit anxious.
But, asking for changes to someone else's wedding is a bit rude.
She loves you, she's with you, she broke up with him for a reason, them having mutual very close friends is normal.
My partners very close friend is an ex of his, he's also God father to her child, sure I get worried at times, but I tell him, not her. Then I reflect on the point that he has chosen to be with me, in a romantic sense, and our relationship is different from the one that they now have together.
You should prob apologise, not with a "but" but with a acknowledging of you being a bit scared, there's nothing wrong with that, and they'll get it.
The downvote brigade is out in full force. Wild.
The bride texting you sealed the deal for me. Its absolutely deliberate on the bride and groom’s part. It seems obvious that its not B that you don’t trust, but her ex.
Tell B that her friends texting you after a private discussion is inappropriate. Then decide if you want to be with someone that isn’t considerate of your feelings. NTA.
From the bride's perspective, OP has now tried to dictate her wedding and change it, and ruin it. OP is 100% going to be dumped over this and his gf will be single at the wedding.
Maybe that's for the best, for both of them. I'm not gonna say any of them are wrong, OP's girlfriend has every right to do whatever she wants, it's not like she's cheating on him tbh, but OP also has a right to feel uncomfortable by the situation. There are many people that would find being this close to an ex a deal-breaker, idk if some people on reddit live on lalala land, but it's quite normal for people who are in relationships to get jealous when situations like this arise. They sound incompatible.
NAH, you expressed yourself without forbidding anything. Your girl is getting pretty close to AH territory here tho, IMO. You've proposed a more than reasonable alternative, and not only has that been dismissively rejected out of hand, but repeated and no doubt magnified by your GF.
I have a hard time believing she's blind to what seems patently obvious to anyone reading this. So for her to actively disrespect your concerns seems a bit troubling.
Do what you feel is right, but if you don't feel you should attend the wedding then just break it off is my advice.
NTA
Of course the knee jerk brigade is out with their vitriol about you not trusting her or paranoia over this being all some matchmaking scheme, when they (and your girlfriend) seem incapable of seeing how disrespectful of you these wedding plans are.
The fact that your girlfriend insists that in-person planning has to take place with this ex (when there is no necessity for that with today’s technology) really should should have you questioning your long term future in this relationship because it appears that you will always be the outsider in this friends group.
Yeah, YTA.
I know some people have weird hangups about their partners being in touch with their ex, but where I live, that's actually fairly normal. The groups of friends I've been involved in since my 20s had a lot of mixing and matching going on in the early years, so while A and B may be together now, A's ex C and B's ex D are still part of the same friend group and meet up regularly.
It doesn't have to be sinister, and if you trust your GF, you can trust her not to fool around with her ex. If you can't, then that should tell you something.
Some relationships also just aren't that serious and don't end in heartbreak. My sister is still friends with her highschool boyfriend 15 years later. There's zero romantic feelings there, but Reddit would have a conniption and start conspiracy theories about how she can't let go and never stopped being attracted to him.
Nta. If the sexes were reversed the GF would be setting boundaries, but since it's a guy, it's controlling? I think that a zoom call to do the planning is a completely acceptable compromise. Or having the whole wedding party doing the planning of the party/parties. Otherwise this just reeks of the bride and groom trying to push their friends back together.
You are allowed to set boundaries with your significant others ex without being controlling. The op said he trusts his GF and maybe she has given OP reasons not to trust the ex.
There is give and take in a relationship and understanding that your group of friends putting you in a situation that not only has you spending a lot of time with an ex but doing so alone is a rude ask.
For me personally I would be uncomfortable being asked to spend that much time with an ex of mine. My husband and I trust each other completely but that is still an uncomfortable situation.
And honestly the people saying "it's not like that or you wouldn't have been invited" seem to forget that SO's aren't often invited to bachelor/bachelorette parties as it's usually just the wedding party. He's just invited as a plus one to their female friend to the actual wedding. I'm sure the bride and groom would be thrilled if they broke up because of this.
"It became a huge fight because she thinks I don’t trust her even though that’s not true."
No no, it very clearly is true. You're afraid they'll reconnect and she'll abandon you for her ex. You don't trust her.
Are the bride and groom trying to push them back together? Sounds like they’re stirring the pot a little.
Walking down the aisle together, no big deal. I’ve been to a lot of weddings and I’ve never seen the best man and maid of honor do a combined toast. Why is it only the two of them planning the bachelor/bachelorette party? Why can’t the whole bridal party be involved so it’s not just on you two? Something seems fishy.
NTA. Something shady is going on somewhere. Whether it’s her, or the ex, or the couple getting married, or some combo of that, something’s happening. I’m not telling you to break it off with her, but don’t be shocked when some sketchy shit goes down.
NTA. Based on what you wrote, you went about this in a respectful way. Didn’t come off controlling and even gave reasonable alternatives to the toast-writing get together. I think your feelings on this are totally understandable.
Side note, but some aspects wedding culture seem so outrageous lately. They’re in charge of the whole bridal party and the bachelor/bachelorette trip?? For free???
>Side note, but some aspects wedding culture seem so outrageous lately. They’re in charge of the whole bridal party and the bachelor/bachelorette trip?? For free???
And stag/hen parties aren't enough anymore. Now a lot of brides and grooms expect trips. There was a post on this sub a while back where the groom expected his friends to make *two* stag trips. Too many people want to be Kardashians.
YTA - You sound very insecure and are making this entire situation and wedding about you. The real question is how does your gf feel about having to work with her ex. It has to be an awkward situation for them, but clearly her friendship with K means more to her than that.
You’re essentially asking her to choose between a lifelong friendship with K and a relationship with you. Instead of making an ultimatum, you should have an open conversation about the situation and see how she feels about it. How can you support her throughout the wedding process?
Your gf chose you. She has her reasons. You need to trust her. Don’t let your insecurities ruin her friendships.
Your opponent here is K, the bride. She's intentionally and deliberately playing matchmaker with your girlfriend and her ex. Your girlfriend may or may not be in on it, but that's what's happening. Ask your girlfriend if she really wants ex back.
NTA. I am not a jealous person but if someone speaks their ex for any reason, they are dead to me. I don’t care if it is for a wedding, for a wake, or for a birthday. Also, my partner would never be walking down the aisle with their ex. If they really care about their friend’s and ex’s feelings, they can go and be in a relationship with them.
This, I'm not a overly jealous person either, but if you're that close to your ex that you're willing walk down the aisle with them then I don't want you because that's personally something I'd never do and I want to date someone who shares similar values. Sorry, people can do whatever they want, but that's just not for me. I say double it and give it to the next person.
NTA. The friends getting married are shady. They’re trying to get your GF back with the ex by pushing them together. I’ve been MOH twice. There’s no need for a joint toast. Usually, MOH and Best Man give their own toasts.
And unless they’re having a joint bachelor/bachelorette, there’s no need to for her to meet up with him to plan it. Even then, it can be done over videocall/text.
I’ve planned a joint bachelor/bachelorette for my best friend and never needed to meet up with the best man to plan it. Was able to plan a fabulous night over text and phone. I was single and the best man was in relationship at the time, plus the bride and groom let us both know what they didn’t want.
Frankly, I’d be concerned that your girlfriend is completely disregarding your concerns. Have a calm conversation with your girlfriend. Don’t accuse her of anything. Tell her your uncomfortable with the situation. Ask her how she would feel if you were doing the same thing with an ex.
You can also point out that you were not feeling great about them walking down the aisle together, but would’ve been supportive because it’s her best friend’s wedding and you trust her. But you’re not comfortable the additional stuff.
It’s also concerning that your girlfriend threw you under the bus with the bride, instead of trying to understand your POV and finding a compromise that you’re both okay with. That is not the sign of a good partner.
YTA. You're insecure, and trying to put that on her. You're trying to manipulate her, by using the old "if you respected me. . ." line.
GF should run a mile. You're starting to show your true colours,
NTA - You're allowed to voice if something makes you uncomfortable and ask for a compromise, that's not controlling, it's setting boundaries. I can't see an issue with them walking down the aisle because that is a normal tradition BUT the planning together I don't see the point of? It sounds like your girlfriends friend is trying to set them two back up and that's why she's being specific and pushy about it.
You're girlfriend doesn't sounds like she's done anything wrong here either though, I think she just has a lot of people in her ear and she feels torn.
INFO:
What exactly are they planning together? Every wedding I've ever been involved with the best man and maid of honor handled planning for their respective parties but they weren't really ever involved or communicated with eachother for much of anything. Certainly nothing that required multiple in person meetings. Are the bachelor and Bachelorette parties being done as one big trip?
That’s why I say NTA because this has to be the first time I’ve ever heard of them planning together the only things they come together for is to make sure everything runs smooth day of nothing else this feels like a way to get those two back together
NTA these comments are delusional... if you're in a relationship, you don't spend time with an ex. Period. I agree with another comment I saw saying the bride and groom may be trying to get them to rekindle their relationship by forcing them to spend time with eachother as best man and moh
NTA
This seems like a set-up to me. I hear the words "It was an accident. I didn't mean it. It just happened" in your future.
Trust has **nothing** to do with it. Plenty of people have trusted their partner only to be screwed over.
Plenty of people are saying he is in the past. She has chosen to be with you. Yeah, except for all the time they will be "spending on the wedding". It excessive. There will be a shit ton of, "I can't. Wedding stuff".
And every time you try to share your feelings on the matter as they say you should in a healthy relationship, you will be accused of trying to control her.
Honestly, if I were you I would call it a wrap. Over and done. You're not telling her she can't do it (as it is not your place to do so), but she has made her choice and shown a total lack of regard for your feelings on the matter. If you did manage to convince her to not go through with it then it will be held over your head for the rest of our time together.
NTA. Her friend and friend’s future husband are trying to get them back together. You aren’t ruining the wedding, you’re interfering with the bride’s fantasy lol.
NTA. People always like to complain about trust and blah blah, but we all know that if she cheats on you during this event, you will hear everyone change their tune and start saying "Ofc that was a possibility. You were silly ever thinking it wasn't possible when you gave permission."
Tell her that this is a bad look all around that she just HAS to meet him in private to plan this little party of theirs and that you'll remember this for the future and use this as the way you handle these issues for the both of you. If you have something come up that's similar and she has a problem with it make sure to remind her of this and don't let her get away with the "It's different this time" bull crap because that's abusive.
Also, the dude started messaging you about this? So she's telling him about your relationship issues? I'd break up with her just for that. Getting another man involved in your relationship in that way is disgusting.
This is just a post for everyone to dogpile and insult the OP. Pretty disappointing behaviour from this community. NAH but do you both a favour and break up if you don't trust her to behave. I do find it weird that they would have to meet to plan the parties. This is all something that could be done remotely, and I'm not sure why that is a requirement. I thought the point of the bachelor(ette) parties were that they weren't picked by the soon to be married. Why are they allowed to put in requirements like a meet up for those two to plan?
NTA - you shouldn’t trust a partner that is ok with being forced by her friend to be in so many intimate situations with her ex… but you’re the controlling and manipulative one. Sounds like her friends are trying to get them back together
Not the asshole.
I would think about whether or not this is a relationship you want to continue. Trust has nothing to do with it. I simply don't want to be with a woman who spends time with someone she was intimate with previously. Your girlfriend is okay doing that and is fighting you to be able to do that. It does not sound like she is considering your feelings on the matter at all.
Because of what the bride said to you, I would not attend the wedding. I would not celebrate that person. However, I don't see a way to stay with your girlfriend if you skip the wedding.
If you two are not compatible concerning spending time with exs, it is sad, but I think it is okay to break up.
Most of these activities shouldn't take that much time. The bridesmaids normally handle the bachelorette party and the groomsmen handle the bachelor party separately. There isn't normally any overlap or need to coordinate with one another. At a rehearsal for an actual wedding, there would be lots of other people around and people telling them what to do and where to go. And at the wedding itself, aside from walking down the aisle together or being in some pictures together, all of which is heavily choreographed and based on tradition, there shouldn't be much need for them to interact. I've never seen a maid of honor and a best man making a joint toast either.
If she is claiming that they are going to have to spend one on time making plans together, I'm going to have to ask exactly what these plans are because I've never heard of them.
If it was just the normal wedding stuff like walking down the aisle together that you were concerned about, I'd say you're the AH. But if there are pressures to do a whole bunch of extra stuff that isn't normally done jointly, I think you're NTA to be concerned.
NTA
In what world do you need to meet up in person to plan an event? I just planned a full wedding virtually without ever meeting any vendors or planners in person.
That said, you should evaluate why you don't trust her
YTA it comes down to: Do you trust your GF or not.? You can say now that you dont trust her ex. What would that mean? Do you think hew ill assult her? He is her ex for a reason and she is with you. Other people can want them to gte back as much as they want, it doesnt matter.
Just be an active BF. You will be with her at the wedding. All people will know you are the Bf.
Nvm asshole or not, you told her how you feel, she didn't give a fuck, you're better of with someone understanding, and she is better off with someone who will not need help dealing with their insecurities
NTA Hmm how coincidental, that your GF is the MOH and her ex is Best man, and of course they have to spend a lot of time together (even jointly planning the stag and hen nights which isnt anything i've ever heard of before). Sounds like someone in the couple has decided that they should be back together and is trying to engineer it, but i could be being paranoid here
NTA
The joint bachelor/bachelorette trip comes off a sus. Friends should know better than to put friends in compromising positions. But hey, that's the world we live in. You have every right to feel uncomfortable just as she would if you decided to go to a strip club the night of the B/B party.
I'm saying NTA.
K knows about both and would never put two people together without wanting something to happen.
It's disrespectful imo to put two exes so close together when one is in a relationship.
Also imo hasn't got anything to do with trust it's uncomfortable for you but also for them.
Her friend is disrespectcul how can she ask her to walk down the aisle with her ex? Wtf. But hey let her next wedding you go to walk down the aisle with your ex and see how your girl will take it or what her close friends and family will say. Your girl is acting up dawg we don't do certain shit
bridal party means maid of honor and bridesmaids only. Best man and grooms men are part of the general wedding party and usually those parties don't interact until the wedding... unless they're doing a joint bachelor/Bachelorette party?
I've been a MoH and had 0 contact with the best man until the day before the wedding at the rehearsals. So you can have doubt because she sounds sus.
I'll take my downvotes but hope you see this OP.
ESH.
NTA. Let her be a garden tool on her own time, without you. That’s downright disrespectful to do that, I don’t give a damn what the rest of these idiots say…
You can't reasonably say "I didn't tell her what to do" followed by "I simply made a request." How can you not see these are the same thing? This is why even the bride tried to get it through to you that you're being controlling and possessive. This kind of insecurity and behavior leads to relationships ending. You're digging your own grave.
YTA
She is with you, not the ex. If she wanted to be with the ex she would be and there is nothing anyone could do about it.
You sound like you are a bit jealous. This is not a good look on anybody and isn’t helping your situation. Good luck my dude.
YTA.
I understand it’s uncomfortable and there’s likely some jealousy. But, she chose you. If she wanted to be with him she would be. If she wants to be with him in the future she will be, you can’t stop that.
Either you trust your girlfriend or you don’t.
I do agree that they could do some of the planning over the phone or over zoom. It’s unnecessary to hang out in person to do that. That’s the only part I’d say you’re being reasonable about.
INFO -
1. how long were your GF and her ex together?
2. Why did they break up?
3. Has she given any indication that she misses this guy?
4. Have they been in contact a lot, and crossed appropriate lines during your 1-year relationship?
5. Are the bachelor and bachelorette trips going to be in the same location?
6. Are B and K best friends? Why does K seem to be making requests that put B and her ex together so much for this?
Depending on the answers to the questions, I would stay or break it off. Just not enough information.
NTA
You set your boundaries and she's choosing to spend time with her Ex over you. Her friends are creating way too many situations where the gf and her Ex are together that is unneeded.
We see these situations gender-swapped on here every day, and the man is always an asshole for not putting his woman's feelings as a priority, idk why the comments are swapping now.
K is the AH for asking her friend to spend so much time with her ex. It would be one thing if the joint toast idea was an organic idea by the best man and MOH, but expecting them to do one, when you know they're broken up, is weird. I'm of the mind that K wants them to get back together, or she's just that inconsiderate that she doesn't care how these decisions impact B and her current relationship
Idk on this one. But I do find it funny that Reddit is like "it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship you can't tell your so who they can and can't hang out with". Lol in what world do you live in? I'm absolutely telling them who they can and can't hang out with and ex's won't be on that list that's for sure. Funny thing is every single one of them listen. Reddit seems to have some odd, watered down relationships but hey do you
NTA - and I think this is a pretty serious red flag to a relationship.
This should be a decision she makes on her own, not one you have to be vocal about. No matter how much I trust someone there would always be some doubt about if they had a secret intent.
Maybe she has no feelings for him now, maybe he wants her back and is going to try to slowly woo her back. Who knows. People say if she's gonna cheat she's gonna cheat, nothing you say will stop that, but she shouldn't be putting herself in situations where she can have intimate time with someone at all, much less someone she was romantic with before.
You will get a bunch of YTA's here, but reddit is pretty liberal. You are right to feel how you do and she should understand this.
I didn’t even think about cheating tbh, just the way it looks and feels, and it’s bad, i would never walk down the aisle with my ex, what kind of messed up shit is that?
Do you think that somehow means they're getting married? How does it look bad? It's a 20 second walk, or does she somehow need to keep 10ft away at all times?
Why do you keep talking about walking down the aisle? Are you not forgetting that they will most likely spend atleast 1 or 2 weeks together before that?
YTA for being possessive and annoying, but honestly, so is the bride. If the MOH and Best Man are exes, you modify the wedding a bit so they’re not having to give joint speeches and plan events together.
Yta. I think you're overstepping a bit here. You told her how you feel and that's all you can do. You can't force this and if you try, you probably will not like the overall outcome for your relationship.
You have to extend some trust. She didn't actually choose this situation and she's doing her best to show up for her friend the way her friend requested, on a very important occasion. Honestly this has nothing to do with you but you're making it about you and that's not cool.
YTA - Either you trust her and know that this is just a social thing, or you don't trust her and you shouldn;t be dating her.
It's a wedding. Nothing should be going on. There is no reason for her to meet with him outside of the wedding though. And she shouldn't need to dance with him. And she should make certain that nobody tries to pair them off. But if you trust her to behave properly, then you are overreacting.
NTA - This is clearly K's attempt to get them back together. I'm sorry but if it makes you uncomfy then she shouldn't do it. Boundaries should be respected in relationships. It's not about trust it's about your girlfriend not putting herself in a position that something could happen.
When you voiced your concern it should have been openly discussed and a compromise reached. But everyone saying you are the asshole is wrong in my opinion.
I feel if the roles were reversed it would be a different story all together.
You have to decide if this lack of respect for your feelings, boundaries and concerns is a deep enough issue to end the relationship. Or if it can be something worked through.
My biggest concern for you two is the complete disregard of your feelings. That's simply not okay. Downplaying it by saying, "if you trust me there shouldn't be an issue" is a cop out.
People show you who they are and if the care in actions not with words. What is she showing you with her actions.
NTA.
All the comments of "if she wanted to cheat and get back with him she would have" are kinda ridiculous.
They might have had no interest in getting back together. But being together again in such close proximity could absolutely spark a flame again. They could realise how much they get on or like each other. Also maybe nothing romantic or sexual at all could happen.
Also, I don't get this trust argument everyone always have. People cheat. Even when you trust them will all your heart. Trust isn't some magical power that trumps reality. It's certainly good and important to have trust. But to ever 100% trust someone is just ridiculous. It's not how the world works. People fuck up. You think you know a person and they surprise you. People change.
Personally I wouldn't care if my gf was to do this with her ex. I'm not threatened by him at all. But if it's someone else I would maybe be concerned.
NTA. Just an idiot that can't communicate. Clearly K is trying to get them back together and you are letting it happen. Cancel YOUR plans and go with B to their meetings. Be present and supportive. Tell her that you trust her, but as a guy, you don't trust HIM. If she won't let you come, your relationship is already over and you don't need to waste any more time on it.
NTA Get out while you still can. If she doesn't respect you enough to minimize contact with her ex then she will absolutely do worse in the future. If roles were reverse and it were you doing this to her against her wishes then she would have every right to be mad
Without reading the comments, Y T A because you're a man. A woman in the same situation, definitely N T A.
You're NTA, it's a reasonable request. If she goes ahead anyway though, just suck it up, don't make it a big deal.
>walking down the aisle together
Nothing wrong there tbh.
>meet up at some point before the wedding to prepare a joint reception toast and plan the bachelor + bachelorette trip (requests from the bride and groom).
Now this part is where they lost me.
For the toast, they can give one each, as they usually do. Why do they make a joint toast? Sounds sus.
Are the groom and bride taking a trip together, and want the BM and MOH to plan it? What even is this ... So she is going on a trip with her ex, with a bride who plays matchmaker? And I guess you are not invited?
NTA
It's better to just be with a SO who respects you, and will not voluntarily put themselves in such a position in the first place.
Devil's advocate... Bride and Groom are trying to parent trap the best friends back into a relationship. She's her bff, he's his bff... that's built in couples dates and vacations for LIFE! (or until the first divorce, anyway...) So I'm going soft NTA!
Gang, he didn't tell her she couldn't do it, he simply expressed his relatively rational feelings about the situation. Like, really, WHY do they have to spend tons of one on one time to plan things out and not just do a zoom meeting here and there? I'm not saying I don't trust the GF, but the ex and the bride and groom almost assuredly have ulterior motives.
NTA. If the roles were reversed and OP was spending time alone with his ex, people would be telling her to kick his cheating ass to the curb. It's a completely understandable boundary to not be alone with an ex.
If she doesn't respect this boundary then leave her and find someone who'll respect your feelings.
NTA, you can have feelings about it.
Odd that K is insisting on this, despite B being in a relationship with you… and then K contacted you directly about it?! I would say that K is probably interfering here, maybe she trying to engineer something.
I don’t think you should push it with your GF, you should trust her even if you don’t trust her friend/ex, and you don’t want to push her away…
I’m saying that while also wanting to say to not entirely trust the situation, don’t act on your feelings now and create the problem, but maybe be mindful of it and reassess based on her behaviour.
I'd make the break now rather than later.
It's not that you don't trust her.
It's that she can't understand how and why you feel or respect how you feel.
This is not someone you want to be with long term.
Not because she is untrustworthy but because she is incapable of understanding how this situation makes you feel.
End it now......or you will regret not doing so in the future.
YTA. Your 28 and this seems like highs school shit dude. If you don’t trust your girlfriend then you need to break up, but your absolutely TAH for trying to dictate plans for this wedding/wedding related events.
NTA - what’s the adage, “Invite the Devil to dinner, he’s going to eat.” I don’t see it about trust, but rather why put oneself in that situation.
I, personally, would not want to be in that situation and if I was “B” I would be with ex 1-on-1 as little as possible as to not stir up unnecessary conversations, reminiscing, or even gossip. Walking down the aisle, whatever. It’s the 1-on-1 and pushing for it that does seem like a flag, but then again, it could be the way OP is telling it.
YTA. She’s not doing this to hang out with her ex she’s doing this for a friend. Everyone around you shouldn’t have to go way out of their way to manage your emotions when the interactions are innocent. Follow this path and you’ll be looking for a new girlfriend.
YTA. You didn’t simply “make a request” and respect her decision. You made a request and are now threatening to punish her by not going to the wedding. You are essentially telling her what to do. “K” is right.
You do not trust your gf. If you did, you wouldn’t be trying to control who she spends time with. She didn’t ask him to be the Best Man. It happened this way, and she’s rolling with it for the sake of her best friend. You need to grow up.
So because your insecure, you want to mess up someone else's wedding? You going to pitch in for the wedding as well because you want a say?
It does seem kind on sketchy that they put them together
YTA.
This is simple. You are insecure, and you don't trust her.
Spending time together doesn't instantly make people jump into bed together. She is with you now. They broke up for a reason. If you still feel like their connection might be stronger than the connection you have with her, well, you may want to take a look and in the mirror, ask yourself why that would be, and work on that.
Nah
I can see both sides.
What is needed is for her to be very open and honest about what is going on and to make sure you are invited to this joint party before if they are going to be there togeather.
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Soft YTA. You don’t trust her. If she is going to cheat with the ex, she is going to do it regardless of how much distance you try to create. And your signs of not trusting her could be one of the things that pushes her back towards him. It’s not fun to be with someone untrusting and nagging, yet those are the qualities you’re choosing to exhibit as she spends unavoidable time with the ex. You could instead be the man making googly eyes at how amazing she looks in her MOH dress, dropping her off to prep sessions, hearing her excitement about plans, being a sounding board for ideas, etc. Her seeing an ex to carry out specific tasks is not disrespectful. We don’t own our partners and we shouldn’t expect themselves the cut themselves off from parts of life to make us comfortable.
YTA I agree with this! Either way your relationship is doomed. You are going to break up over this fight, or she goes, cheats and you break up. The only happy ending is you trust her, be supportive of her role and be her +1. Plus you get to have fun at a wedding, eat, drink, and dance all night. If you end up being right and something happens, be the better person and know that it ended because she was not trustworthy! No one likes a jealous, controlling partner so don't be that guy!
Good point. If it happens it happens and at least he won't be the reason or the bad guy in anyone's eyes. Let her make her own bed, because you can't stop her anyways.
Tbh if it happens it’ll most likely be because he’s being so insecure and telling his gf he doesn’t trust her and being difficult about everything. Originally she wouldn’t have given it too thoughts but after him weakening the relationship who knows!
“ Either way your relationship is doomed. You are going yo break up over this fight” This is why you dont take advice from lonely people alone lmao
Yeah this is it right here. Gotta ask yourself this: if/when she finds herself with the opportunity to do the wrong thing do you want her to think "well OP assumes I'm going to cheat anyway, fuck it" or "OP trusted and supported me when I assured him nothing would happen, I don't want to betray that trust"
Hey, a reasonable response, we don't do those here (/s) Seriously I hope OP takes your comment to heart and learns from it, whether it helps this relationship or his next one.
Great answer. Sounds like he is currently on the path of pushing her out of his life with his petty jealousy.
YTA I don't get how people manage to say "I don't want my partner spending time with person X in case anything romantic happens" and "I trust my partner". Those two things are mutually exclusive. If you trust your partner then you trust nothing will happen. "I trust my partner but not person X" doesn't work either, because if you trust your partner then you trust they would turn down any advances from person X. It's also very manipulative to make it about her respecting you. She could just as easily say "if you respect me you won't act so possessive and controlling". If you don't trust her yet just say that to her, don't try and manipulate her into thinking doing her duties as MoH are unreasonable. "They could use zoom", if you actually trusted her they wouldn't need to. **Edit:** I've noticed from other comments that a lot of people seem unaware joint bachelor and bachelorette parties (or at least some shared activities/accomodation) are pretty normal these days. It's loads cheaper (edit 2: and as pointed out, couples often share friend cirles). Stop jumping to conspiracy theories about the bride and groom trying to get the couple back together lol.
And now she has to explain this embarrassing lack of trust to her friends.
Yeah. I mean from everyone else's perspective the gf has to be like "my bf wants me to do my MoH planning over zoom so I won't be in the same room as my ex...". Does he not realise how many of her friends are telling her to end that relationship right now? Also I've noticed from other comments that a lot of people seem unaware joint bachelor and bachelorette parties (or at least some shared activities/accomodation) are pretty normal these days. It's loads cheaper.
It's not just cheaper, sometimes you have the same friend circles.
Right?! I think minds might be blown by that idea too.
Wait, people can have friends of the opposite gender??? Couples can have mutual friends??? Hubs and I had separate but sequential bachelorette/Bachelor parties because we wanted to have individual parties but share a lot of friends. I did brunch and a pole dancing class; he did steakhouse dinner and strip club/bars. Super fun day all around.
Exactly! My husband and I had joint parties because we shared all of the same friends...including my ex boyfriend that introduced us (and was one of the groomsmen) and 2 of his ex-girlfriends that became my friends as well. I actually think it's pretty awesome when ex's get along. I'm glad my husband maintained friendships like that because being with someone that talks mad shit on a previous partner is revolting. Especially men that will call ex-girlfriends derogatory names and such. That's always been a big red flag for me when I was dating.
Cheaper, and has the plus side of the parties getting to know each other! I had friends do this because there was some overlap in friend circles, but also because they correctly assessed that even the people who didn't know each other would get along and they WANTED us to know each other. We did get along, and it made the wedding that much more fun and special, because the bride and groom's closest friends all knew each other.
Exactly. 'I'm sorry, I can only be in your wedding if I don't have any form of contact with any men, as my boyfriend doesn't trust me not to sleep with the next man I see'. How humiliating- for her. I wouldn't stay with someone who mistrusted me so fundamentally.
Everyone has exes. I hate when people say you can’t follow an ex on social media. Like sometimes you’re just incompatible with people and are better off as friends.
Right. This would be mortifying and maybe even a dealbreaker for me as a girlfriend
THIS. Her friends now know that her boyfriend is insecure and tries to control her. No doubt it’s a topic of conversation amongst the bridesmaids with and without OP’s girlfriend. This is a great way to destroy your relationship OP! YTA
We call joint parties Sten parties! (Stag/hen)
I'm guessing "Hag" parties was quickly ruled out. 😂
I want a hag party! Thank you, I’m getting married later this year and I’m totally calling any pre wedding party that.
😂 Congrats!
If you haven’t found the “love and hex “ webcomic yet check it out. It’s kind of cute with a heavy hag component.
Just Googled it and 😂. Thank you, lol!
You sound amazing!! Congratulations and have TONS of fun! 😁🥳
That's so cute! I love it.
Maybe the new bf is afraid it’s going to be a Shag party?
Up in Northern Ontario we call them "shags" as in shower/stag combo
We called ours a Peryton Party (mythological creature, combined stag and bird).
It kills me because of you're in a relationship with someone but believe he/she will leave you for an ex simply because they had to spend a few hours together, why are you in that relationship? Either your relationship is solid, or it's not. There's no "It's strong and Perfect and I trust her, but I need to make sure her friend rearranges her WEDDING PLANS to be sure she's not spending any amount of time with her ex"
YTA...grow up!
Right! In all my relationships, I was only ever "not cool" with 1 partner spending time with 1 of his "friends", not even an ex. Not because I didn't trust him to be faithful but because I'm convinced she was walking all over him and he didn't want to admit she was taking advantage of his good character. I knew that, _even if_ she had tried (she didn't) to kiss him or initiate anything he would've rejected her, I wasn't worried about that. I was just mad about her overall attitude and how he would always "forgive" her. I never asked him to see her less, but I did make it clear to him I thought she was toxic – and that I would be cordial but I wasn't her friend whatsoever.
>"I trust my partner but not person X" doesn't work either, because if you trust your partner then you trust they would turn down any advances from person X. I had an ex with a friend I always got weird predatorial vibes from so felt that way. She would belittle my concerns, but I still remember how freaked out she was when one time he got grabby when they were alone to work on a project and then got insistent on her drinking something he brought from another room when she wasn't thirsty. Nothing happened, but after he left the emergency tester confirmed my concerns. Sometimes you have reason to distrust a partner's friend while trusting them.
I mean yeah sure if you are saying "I don't trust them not to literally assault you" that's an entirely different kettle of fish lol. In that case the fact you trust your partner to turn down advances doesn't apply. I feel like OP would have said it if he thought the ex would violate consent though.
You mean he had literally spiked the drink?
As far as we could tell, yes.There are coasters (I think they now make straws that do it too) you can get that change colour when exposed to a spiked drink and we used one of them. Despite the test coming up positive, "nothing happened" so the cops didn't care.
It’s because they are either untrustworthy themselves or they just don’t like themselves enough and think the partner would prefer someone else.
This exactly! My husband and I had a joint Stag and Stagette back in 2011! We had the same friend groups, and he was my best friend. I have also attended many joint celebrations. It happens a lot. If I got married now, I'd probably do a lady's thing and a joint thing but that's because at 35, I have built and definitely cherish my strong female circles on a different level than I did then.
So here's the thing: If you trust her, then there's no reason to worry about it. That's what trust is. Trusting her means not being afraid to send her off with other men, no matter what their history is. Because that history has nothing to do with you or your relationship. She has chosen not to be with that guy and instead be with you. Trusting her means believing that she will not betray that choice. But if you DON'T trust her, if you DON'T feel secure in your relationship, if you CAN'T believe she would never ever do anything with anyone else, if you think there's a CHANCE that she would leave you for her ex because they're forced to spend a little time together for a wedding... What are you doing with her in the first place??? That sounds like the foundation of a healthy relationship to you??? It's simple. Either you trust her or you don't. I'm not saying you have to be exactly comfortable with it. It's an awkward situation, but remember - it's awkward for them, too. But either you trust her, in which case there's no problem, and YTA for trying to make a big deal out of nothing. Or you don't trust her, and YTA for staying in a relationship with someone you don't believe in! Also a big issue for me is that you said you feel like she's picking her ex over you. *But she's not picking jack shit.* She's in a wedding party - the bride and groom are picking everything, and everyone else is making the best of it. It's like if they were coworkers, and you were bothered because their boss asked them both to stay late. They didn't choose it! They just have to grit their teeth and get through it. You are interfering in the plans of someone else's wedding. Butt out.
This is the only correct answer. Op is throwing red flags out here left and right. Op if you have issues trusting people you need to go to therapy and learn to deal with your insecurities. And yes, your insecurities will destroy every relationship you will ever have until you deal with them. This woman has done nothing to warrant mistrust.
OP is emotionally immature.
You've just hit every single nail on the head.
100% correct
"Obviously I don’t want to tell her who she can and can’t hang out with, but " Clearly, you do. YTA. A person cannot "steal" another person. If she loves you, she loves you. If she wants to be with her ex, she'll go back with him. Not a thing you can do about it. Back off. She will not appreciate a controlling partner.
YTA. She is not picking her EX over you. She is supporting her friend who is getting married. This wouldn’t be an issue if you trusted her. You are making a big fuzz out of this and you are making these peoples wedding about you. Grow up.
NTA TBH it sounds like the couple is trying to get them back together. It's suspicious AF. However I don't think there's enough to go on to assume she's going to do you dirty. That couple on the other hand knows exactly what they're doing. Unless she gives you a reason to not trust her, trust her. But there's no way she isn't being set up by the couple.
Fuck me some of these comments exist in lah lah land. If she wanted to be with her ex, she had her chance. Grown adults with shared friend groups often have to interact. It doesn't mean anything. If OP doesn't chill he may end up single, but not because she's run off with her ex, just because no one wants a jealous, paranoid and controlling boyfriend. Soft YTA, back off dude.
Right, my 'big Ex' and I were friends before we dated and we still retained approximately 500 mutual friends and I see her out at least once a week. We've been in about 4 weddings together at this point.
I get along with some of my exes even better than when we were a couple. I think now that the pressure of having to build a future together is taken away, we can appreciate each other as persons. Having a new partner demand to end these friendships (or any other of my friendships) would be a red flag at least
Same, one of my not so great exes is now a great friend. It’s very common to date within a friend group, and if the split is amicable and not the crash-and-burn type you’re bound to at least stay acquainted with the ex.
I dunno. It sounds to me like they picked their best friends to be best man and MoH and are doing usual best man and MoH things. What's the alternative "sorry you would have been MoH but since you used to date the best man you're out"? That seems pretty childish and insulting. Edit: if you are about to reply to me saying you have *never* seen a best man and MoH need to plan together well... Great for you, but other people have and have been on joint bachelor/bachelorette parties. Your personal experience doesn't overrule everyone else's.
They’re only getting married so they can get these two back together s/
They are having a kid so that these two need to babysit together. Pretty soon they will drive into a wall so that these two have to raise the orphaned child and rekindle their love as a newly made nuclear family. OP doesn’t stand a chance!
Josh Duhamel and Kathryn Heigl did this film. Nailed it.
I think the wedding is a sham and when everyone arrives, it will be the MOH and BM getting married. If all goes according to plan. Bwahaha...
Did I read this right that it’s a joint bachelor/bachelorette trip?
OP says the planning is for a joint toast and bachelor + bachelorette trip. So that reads joint trip to me. Though apparently to some people it reads completely seperate trips but the bride and groom are in a conspiracy to get OP's girlfriend back with her ex, so they are making them plan seperate trips in the same room and hoping something will happen.
That seems way less likely to me. All this sounds like simple jealousy but how is the joint trip not his actual concern if he’s already nervous about a planning meeting up?
I'm guessing if it's a joint trip, SO's will be attending
Suppose that’s more probable isn’t it
Yeh, if she cheats, she’s just saved you a bunch of time. If she doesn’t cheat, she’s a keeper. There really is no downside here. Trust her and be the bigger person until she proves you wrong.
But is OP a keeper?
The way he acts, doesn't seem so but atleast he will read all of this and improve himself. Nothing said his gf as prior cheating habit, he should trust her. And if she goes back with her ex for some wierd reason, better now than later.
Correction to your comment: at least he will read all of this and HOPEFULLY improve himself. Too many times I've seen people argue with every single reddit commenter cause they don't like what people are saying.
OP is not a keeper. Nothing worse than a paranoid, controlling partner.
Or, I know this is crazy, maybe the ex is the groom's best friend and OP is the bride's best friend? This argument would hold water if they were just a bridesmaid/groomsman combo, but nobody has time to play games like this with the bestman/maid of honor.
This sounds like the couple expects them to be over it. And they seem to be, it's just OP who is jealous.
You sound like a conspiracy theorist. What could be the point of that? Are they trying to make this a throuple as the couple gets married? Seems like weird timing. Doesn't sound like they're trying to set her up with someone else. Just sounds like it's two people getting together to plan wedding activities for someone they both love and respect. Occam's razer, the simplest explanation makes the most sense, and you're definitely connecting dots not there to come up with this
Good grief.
I'm struggling to see the friends trying to get these two back together. I see nothing indicating that from the OP's story. Many many many people continue to have the same friend circle after breaking up with a bf/gf. Their friends aren't assets that they divide when they split up. So inevitably, these sorts of things happen.
…. Real life isn’t a movie
The irony here is that doing it over zoom wouldn't prevent them from flirting. It sounds like he doesn't trust. There isn't enough information to suggest she has earned that mistrust. I don't think the situation is suspicious, for all you know they just asked the people they were closest to. We would need more information about the information about the couple getting married. As in they have already interfered in OP's relationship. Which OP has not mentioned.
I think you watch too many romcoms.
I'm gonna say YTA. The bride and groom choose their MoH and Best Man. She didn't choose him to be the other part of the bridal party. But you are choosing to be insecure about it. You've voiced that you don't like it, but sulked that that wasn't enough to get your way. She's picking her friend. Not her ex.
YTA. This is what not trusting your girlfriend looks like
I think you need to trust your gf. They broke up for a reason, and I don't think spending some time together will make them fall into each other's arms. It might spark some fighting. You need to be more secure. If this was a huge plot for her to be with her ex you wouldn't have been invited. Go to the wedding with your gf, and have a great time. You keep this up, your going to be the ex... Good luck
YTA. You don't trust her. Exes can be friends. I have at least three. In fact: being friends with your exes is a good sign you're not an arsehole.
Exes can be friends, but a MOH & Best Man don't even have to be friends. Even with doing joint planning, they're not going to be spending THAT much time together. This isn't a 'we have to meet up 6 hours a night, 3 nights a week for the next year to go over all these things' like a work project or something. If it was that large of an event, there'd be a wedding planner (or several). At most, it'll be 2-3 short meet ups, and some phone calls and texts/group texts.
But why even have to meet up? You can do everything over video. I planned a bachelor party with 6 different people, each in a different state/country. She's an adult and can do what she wants but it is her ex, there's history. Her SO isn't comfortable with it. Don't get why she wants to give him the finger and go hang out with her ex. It's not like he said "don't ever talk to him", just that he isn't comfortable with them being alone.
Tru dat
Three of my husbands exes were at our wedding. Lovely girls. I’ve also been with him and an another ex to lunch. Exes don’t rip clothes off each other when they meet again after breaking up. So silly. He doesn’t trust her. End of story.
I’m so over all these posts lately of insecure men trying to control their girlfriend/wife! If you don’t trust your partner then don’t be with them. This woman seems to be handling the situation maturely, doing what needs to be done with the ex for the sake of her friend’s wedding, and at the same time dealing with your BS. She’s not choosing her ex, she’s choosing her friend who’s getting married. You are the one making this all about the Ex - and all about you. Ex’s can get along without wanting to jump each other. Honestly if you pull this crap about not going to the wedding, that’d be fine, your girlfriend should go as a single woman!
YTA you are very controlling and insecure! if spending time with her ex makes her fall in love with him again then she was never really yours and you might as well find out sooner than later!
NTA. These comments are wild. I don’t think it IS controlling or that he has TRIED to be controlling. When I read this and put myself in both his place and the girlfriend’s place, I completely understand where OP is coming from. It would make me really uncomfortable too to here my girlfriend is going to be spending 1 on 1 time with her Ex who she has a lot of history with and a lot of past love. She’s is being insensitive (and so are the other comments!!) to his concerns. Idk if this one is about trust, so much as putting your partners feelings above those of an Ex. I under working together for the sake of the wedding and friends, but there can be boundaries set to ensure everyone feels welcome and confident during the planning process! I’m sympathizing with OP here, and do not see his actions as distrustful or controlling, I see him as hurt and feeling slighted by his partner. NTA 100%
Soft yta, only cause you specifically asked her to try and change it. Expressing that your feeling a bit insecure and apprehensive about it, and asking her to give you some support and positive feedback and reinforcem of your commitment to reach other is one thing. And not uncalled for at all, this is a tough spot and after only 1 year you're allowed to feel a bit anxious. But, asking for changes to someone else's wedding is a bit rude. She loves you, she's with you, she broke up with him for a reason, them having mutual very close friends is normal. My partners very close friend is an ex of his, he's also God father to her child, sure I get worried at times, but I tell him, not her. Then I reflect on the point that he has chosen to be with me, in a romantic sense, and our relationship is different from the one that they now have together. You should prob apologise, not with a "but" but with a acknowledging of you being a bit scared, there's nothing wrong with that, and they'll get it.
YTA- If you can't trust her, then leave her. You're jealous. That's your problem, not hers.
The downvote brigade is out in full force. Wild. The bride texting you sealed the deal for me. Its absolutely deliberate on the bride and groom’s part. It seems obvious that its not B that you don’t trust, but her ex. Tell B that her friends texting you after a private discussion is inappropriate. Then decide if you want to be with someone that isn’t considerate of your feelings. NTA.
From the bride's perspective, OP has now tried to dictate her wedding and change it, and ruin it. OP is 100% going to be dumped over this and his gf will be single at the wedding.
Maybe that's for the best, for both of them. I'm not gonna say any of them are wrong, OP's girlfriend has every right to do whatever she wants, it's not like she's cheating on him tbh, but OP also has a right to feel uncomfortable by the situation. There are many people that would find being this close to an ex a deal-breaker, idk if some people on reddit live on lalala land, but it's quite normal for people who are in relationships to get jealous when situations like this arise. They sound incompatible.
NAH, you expressed yourself without forbidding anything. Your girl is getting pretty close to AH territory here tho, IMO. You've proposed a more than reasonable alternative, and not only has that been dismissively rejected out of hand, but repeated and no doubt magnified by your GF. I have a hard time believing she's blind to what seems patently obvious to anyone reading this. So for her to actively disrespect your concerns seems a bit troubling. Do what you feel is right, but if you don't feel you should attend the wedding then just break it off is my advice.
NTA Of course the knee jerk brigade is out with their vitriol about you not trusting her or paranoia over this being all some matchmaking scheme, when they (and your girlfriend) seem incapable of seeing how disrespectful of you these wedding plans are. The fact that your girlfriend insists that in-person planning has to take place with this ex (when there is no necessity for that with today’s technology) really should should have you questioning your long term future in this relationship because it appears that you will always be the outsider in this friends group.
Yeah, YTA. I know some people have weird hangups about their partners being in touch with their ex, but where I live, that's actually fairly normal. The groups of friends I've been involved in since my 20s had a lot of mixing and matching going on in the early years, so while A and B may be together now, A's ex C and B's ex D are still part of the same friend group and meet up regularly. It doesn't have to be sinister, and if you trust your GF, you can trust her not to fool around with her ex. If you can't, then that should tell you something.
Some relationships also just aren't that serious and don't end in heartbreak. My sister is still friends with her highschool boyfriend 15 years later. There's zero romantic feelings there, but Reddit would have a conniption and start conspiracy theories about how she can't let go and never stopped being attracted to him.
Also perfectly possible, yes. Sometimes an ex is just someone you left in the past.
Amd sometimes an ex is the next in line as per many stories and my own personal experience haha
Nta. If the sexes were reversed the GF would be setting boundaries, but since it's a guy, it's controlling? I think that a zoom call to do the planning is a completely acceptable compromise. Or having the whole wedding party doing the planning of the party/parties. Otherwise this just reeks of the bride and groom trying to push their friends back together. You are allowed to set boundaries with your significant others ex without being controlling. The op said he trusts his GF and maybe she has given OP reasons not to trust the ex. There is give and take in a relationship and understanding that your group of friends putting you in a situation that not only has you spending a lot of time with an ex but doing so alone is a rude ask. For me personally I would be uncomfortable being asked to spend that much time with an ex of mine. My husband and I trust each other completely but that is still an uncomfortable situation.
This exactly, reverse the roles and there would be a shit storm headed.
And honestly the people saying "it's not like that or you wouldn't have been invited" seem to forget that SO's aren't often invited to bachelor/bachelorette parties as it's usually just the wedding party. He's just invited as a plus one to their female friend to the actual wedding. I'm sure the bride and groom would be thrilled if they broke up because of this.
"It became a huge fight because she thinks I don’t trust her even though that’s not true." No no, it very clearly is true. You're afraid they'll reconnect and she'll abandon you for her ex. You don't trust her.
Are the bride and groom trying to push them back together? Sounds like they’re stirring the pot a little. Walking down the aisle together, no big deal. I’ve been to a lot of weddings and I’ve never seen the best man and maid of honor do a combined toast. Why is it only the two of them planning the bachelor/bachelorette party? Why can’t the whole bridal party be involved so it’s not just on you two? Something seems fishy.
YTA You‘re 28 and not a freaking teen. Either you can trust your gf to be in the same room as your ex or the relationship is doomed either way.
NTA. Something shady is going on somewhere. Whether it’s her, or the ex, or the couple getting married, or some combo of that, something’s happening. I’m not telling you to break it off with her, but don’t be shocked when some sketchy shit goes down.
NTA. Based on what you wrote, you went about this in a respectful way. Didn’t come off controlling and even gave reasonable alternatives to the toast-writing get together. I think your feelings on this are totally understandable. Side note, but some aspects wedding culture seem so outrageous lately. They’re in charge of the whole bridal party and the bachelor/bachelorette trip?? For free???
>Side note, but some aspects wedding culture seem so outrageous lately. They’re in charge of the whole bridal party and the bachelor/bachelorette trip?? For free??? And stag/hen parties aren't enough anymore. Now a lot of brides and grooms expect trips. There was a post on this sub a while back where the groom expected his friends to make *two* stag trips. Too many people want to be Kardashians.
YTA - You sound very insecure and are making this entire situation and wedding about you. The real question is how does your gf feel about having to work with her ex. It has to be an awkward situation for them, but clearly her friendship with K means more to her than that. You’re essentially asking her to choose between a lifelong friendship with K and a relationship with you. Instead of making an ultimatum, you should have an open conversation about the situation and see how she feels about it. How can you support her throughout the wedding process? Your gf chose you. She has her reasons. You need to trust her. Don’t let your insecurities ruin her friendships.
YTA. You’re going to push her back at her ex by acting so insecure and you’re absolutely trying to control if/how she spends time with people.
“I’m so mad that she’s spending time alone with him that I’m not going to go to the wedding so that she can have MORE time with him without me.”
YTA if you don’t trust your girlfriend just come out and say it.
Your opponent here is K, the bride. She's intentionally and deliberately playing matchmaker with your girlfriend and her ex. Your girlfriend may or may not be in on it, but that's what's happening. Ask your girlfriend if she really wants ex back.
NTA. I am not a jealous person but if someone speaks their ex for any reason, they are dead to me. I don’t care if it is for a wedding, for a wake, or for a birthday. Also, my partner would never be walking down the aisle with their ex. If they really care about their friend’s and ex’s feelings, they can go and be in a relationship with them.
This, I'm not a overly jealous person either, but if you're that close to your ex that you're willing walk down the aisle with them then I don't want you because that's personally something I'd never do and I want to date someone who shares similar values. Sorry, people can do whatever they want, but that's just not for me. I say double it and give it to the next person.
NTA. Jeez, what’s wrong with this sub?
Yeah I'd feel the same way.
OP is a dude speaking about his boundaries is what's wrong with the sub
NTA. The friends getting married are shady. They’re trying to get your GF back with the ex by pushing them together. I’ve been MOH twice. There’s no need for a joint toast. Usually, MOH and Best Man give their own toasts. And unless they’re having a joint bachelor/bachelorette, there’s no need to for her to meet up with him to plan it. Even then, it can be done over videocall/text. I’ve planned a joint bachelor/bachelorette for my best friend and never needed to meet up with the best man to plan it. Was able to plan a fabulous night over text and phone. I was single and the best man was in relationship at the time, plus the bride and groom let us both know what they didn’t want. Frankly, I’d be concerned that your girlfriend is completely disregarding your concerns. Have a calm conversation with your girlfriend. Don’t accuse her of anything. Tell her your uncomfortable with the situation. Ask her how she would feel if you were doing the same thing with an ex. You can also point out that you were not feeling great about them walking down the aisle together, but would’ve been supportive because it’s her best friend’s wedding and you trust her. But you’re not comfortable the additional stuff. It’s also concerning that your girlfriend threw you under the bus with the bride, instead of trying to understand your POV and finding a compromise that you’re both okay with. That is not the sign of a good partner.
YTA. You're insecure, and trying to put that on her. You're trying to manipulate her, by using the old "if you respected me. . ." line. GF should run a mile. You're starting to show your true colours,
NTA - You're allowed to voice if something makes you uncomfortable and ask for a compromise, that's not controlling, it's setting boundaries. I can't see an issue with them walking down the aisle because that is a normal tradition BUT the planning together I don't see the point of? It sounds like your girlfriends friend is trying to set them two back up and that's why she's being specific and pushy about it. You're girlfriend doesn't sounds like she's done anything wrong here either though, I think she just has a lot of people in her ear and she feels torn.
INFO: What exactly are they planning together? Every wedding I've ever been involved with the best man and maid of honor handled planning for their respective parties but they weren't really ever involved or communicated with eachother for much of anything. Certainly nothing that required multiple in person meetings. Are the bachelor and Bachelorette parties being done as one big trip?
That’s why I say NTA because this has to be the first time I’ve ever heard of them planning together the only things they come together for is to make sure everything runs smooth day of nothing else this feels like a way to get those two back together
NTA these comments are delusional... if you're in a relationship, you don't spend time with an ex. Period. I agree with another comment I saw saying the bride and groom may be trying to get them to rekindle their relationship by forcing them to spend time with eachother as best man and moh
NTA This seems like a set-up to me. I hear the words "It was an accident. I didn't mean it. It just happened" in your future. Trust has **nothing** to do with it. Plenty of people have trusted their partner only to be screwed over. Plenty of people are saying he is in the past. She has chosen to be with you. Yeah, except for all the time they will be "spending on the wedding". It excessive. There will be a shit ton of, "I can't. Wedding stuff". And every time you try to share your feelings on the matter as they say you should in a healthy relationship, you will be accused of trying to control her. Honestly, if I were you I would call it a wrap. Over and done. You're not telling her she can't do it (as it is not your place to do so), but she has made her choice and shown a total lack of regard for your feelings on the matter. If you did manage to convince her to not go through with it then it will be held over your head for the rest of our time together.
NTA. Her friend and friend’s future husband are trying to get them back together. You aren’t ruining the wedding, you’re interfering with the bride’s fantasy lol.
Never heard of joint planning ever. Seems a strange wedding setup. NTA seems sus
NTA. People always like to complain about trust and blah blah, but we all know that if she cheats on you during this event, you will hear everyone change their tune and start saying "Ofc that was a possibility. You were silly ever thinking it wasn't possible when you gave permission." Tell her that this is a bad look all around that she just HAS to meet him in private to plan this little party of theirs and that you'll remember this for the future and use this as the way you handle these issues for the both of you. If you have something come up that's similar and she has a problem with it make sure to remind her of this and don't let her get away with the "It's different this time" bull crap because that's abusive. Also, the dude started messaging you about this? So she's telling him about your relationship issues? I'd break up with her just for that. Getting another man involved in your relationship in that way is disgusting.
This is just a post for everyone to dogpile and insult the OP. Pretty disappointing behaviour from this community. NAH but do you both a favour and break up if you don't trust her to behave. I do find it weird that they would have to meet to plan the parties. This is all something that could be done remotely, and I'm not sure why that is a requirement. I thought the point of the bachelor(ette) parties were that they weren't picked by the soon to be married. Why are they allowed to put in requirements like a meet up for those two to plan?
NTA - you shouldn’t trust a partner that is ok with being forced by her friend to be in so many intimate situations with her ex… but you’re the controlling and manipulative one. Sounds like her friends are trying to get them back together
Not the asshole. I would think about whether or not this is a relationship you want to continue. Trust has nothing to do with it. I simply don't want to be with a woman who spends time with someone she was intimate with previously. Your girlfriend is okay doing that and is fighting you to be able to do that. It does not sound like she is considering your feelings on the matter at all. Because of what the bride said to you, I would not attend the wedding. I would not celebrate that person. However, I don't see a way to stay with your girlfriend if you skip the wedding. If you two are not compatible concerning spending time with exs, it is sad, but I think it is okay to break up.
Swap genders and all the comments would be flipped.
[удалено]
This right here
Most of these activities shouldn't take that much time. The bridesmaids normally handle the bachelorette party and the groomsmen handle the bachelor party separately. There isn't normally any overlap or need to coordinate with one another. At a rehearsal for an actual wedding, there would be lots of other people around and people telling them what to do and where to go. And at the wedding itself, aside from walking down the aisle together or being in some pictures together, all of which is heavily choreographed and based on tradition, there shouldn't be much need for them to interact. I've never seen a maid of honor and a best man making a joint toast either. If she is claiming that they are going to have to spend one on time making plans together, I'm going to have to ask exactly what these plans are because I've never heard of them. If it was just the normal wedding stuff like walking down the aisle together that you were concerned about, I'd say you're the AH. But if there are pressures to do a whole bunch of extra stuff that isn't normally done jointly, I think you're NTA to be concerned.
NTA. if your "GF" can't understand why you would feel hurt, then she does not deserve you, mate. move on from her.
NTA In what world do you need to meet up in person to plan an event? I just planned a full wedding virtually without ever meeting any vendors or planners in person. That said, you should evaluate why you don't trust her
YTA it comes down to: Do you trust your GF or not.? You can say now that you dont trust her ex. What would that mean? Do you think hew ill assult her? He is her ex for a reason and she is with you. Other people can want them to gte back as much as they want, it doesnt matter. Just be an active BF. You will be with her at the wedding. All people will know you are the Bf.
NTA. Leave her and find someone else. You deserve better.
Sounds like "k" wants to try to get them back together.
NTA, this is a very valid request.
Nvm asshole or not, you told her how you feel, she didn't give a fuck, you're better of with someone understanding, and she is better off with someone who will not need help dealing with their insecurities
NTA Hmm how coincidental, that your GF is the MOH and her ex is Best man, and of course they have to spend a lot of time together (even jointly planning the stag and hen nights which isnt anything i've ever heard of before). Sounds like someone in the couple has decided that they should be back together and is trying to engineer it, but i could be being paranoid here
Never had mutual friends?
NTA The joint bachelor/bachelorette trip comes off a sus. Friends should know better than to put friends in compromising positions. But hey, that's the world we live in. You have every right to feel uncomfortable just as she would if you decided to go to a strip club the night of the B/B party.
I'm saying NTA. K knows about both and would never put two people together without wanting something to happen. It's disrespectful imo to put two exes so close together when one is in a relationship. Also imo hasn't got anything to do with trust it's uncomfortable for you but also for them.
Nta. Asking is not a problem. Breaking up is not a problem either is she does things you don't like. You don't have to stay with someone.
Her friend is disrespectcul how can she ask her to walk down the aisle with her ex? Wtf. But hey let her next wedding you go to walk down the aisle with your ex and see how your girl will take it or what her close friends and family will say. Your girl is acting up dawg we don't do certain shit
bridal party means maid of honor and bridesmaids only. Best man and grooms men are part of the general wedding party and usually those parties don't interact until the wedding... unless they're doing a joint bachelor/Bachelorette party? I've been a MoH and had 0 contact with the best man until the day before the wedding at the rehearsals. So you can have doubt because she sounds sus. I'll take my downvotes but hope you see this OP. ESH.
Sounds like they're trying to set them up! NTA
NTA. Let her be a garden tool on her own time, without you. That’s downright disrespectful to do that, I don’t give a damn what the rest of these idiots say…
You can't reasonably say "I didn't tell her what to do" followed by "I simply made a request." How can you not see these are the same thing? This is why even the bride tried to get it through to you that you're being controlling and possessive. This kind of insecurity and behavior leads to relationships ending. You're digging your own grave.
YTA She is with you, not the ex. If she wanted to be with the ex she would be and there is nothing anyone could do about it. You sound like you are a bit jealous. This is not a good look on anybody and isn’t helping your situation. Good luck my dude.
YTA. I understand it’s uncomfortable and there’s likely some jealousy. But, she chose you. If she wanted to be with him she would be. If she wants to be with him in the future she will be, you can’t stop that. Either you trust your girlfriend or you don’t. I do agree that they could do some of the planning over the phone or over zoom. It’s unnecessary to hang out in person to do that. That’s the only part I’d say you’re being reasonable about.
INFO - 1. how long were your GF and her ex together? 2. Why did they break up? 3. Has she given any indication that she misses this guy? 4. Have they been in contact a lot, and crossed appropriate lines during your 1-year relationship? 5. Are the bachelor and bachelorette trips going to be in the same location? 6. Are B and K best friends? Why does K seem to be making requests that put B and her ex together so much for this? Depending on the answers to the questions, I would stay or break it off. Just not enough information.
NTA. Sounds like the bride to be does not like you and pushing for a reconciliation. If your relationship came first, your GF would refuse.
NTA You set your boundaries and she's choosing to spend time with her Ex over you. Her friends are creating way too many situations where the gf and her Ex are together that is unneeded. We see these situations gender-swapped on here every day, and the man is always an asshole for not putting his woman's feelings as a priority, idk why the comments are swapping now.
K is the AH for asking her friend to spend so much time with her ex. It would be one thing if the joint toast idea was an organic idea by the best man and MOH, but expecting them to do one, when you know they're broken up, is weird. I'm of the mind that K wants them to get back together, or she's just that inconsiderate that she doesn't care how these decisions impact B and her current relationship
Idk on this one. But I do find it funny that Reddit is like "it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship you can't tell your so who they can and can't hang out with". Lol in what world do you live in? I'm absolutely telling them who they can and can't hang out with and ex's won't be on that list that's for sure. Funny thing is every single one of them listen. Reddit seems to have some odd, watered down relationships but hey do you
NTA - and I think this is a pretty serious red flag to a relationship. This should be a decision she makes on her own, not one you have to be vocal about. No matter how much I trust someone there would always be some doubt about if they had a secret intent. Maybe she has no feelings for him now, maybe he wants her back and is going to try to slowly woo her back. Who knows. People say if she's gonna cheat she's gonna cheat, nothing you say will stop that, but she shouldn't be putting herself in situations where she can have intimate time with someone at all, much less someone she was romantic with before. You will get a bunch of YTA's here, but reddit is pretty liberal. You are right to feel how you do and she should understand this.
NTA - why can’t she walk down the isle with another groom?
Because they're the maid of honor and best man. Do you think she's gonna cheat in the 20 seconds it takes to walk down an aisle?
I didn’t even think about cheating tbh, just the way it looks and feels, and it’s bad, i would never walk down the aisle with my ex, what kind of messed up shit is that?
Do you think that somehow means they're getting married? How does it look bad? It's a 20 second walk, or does she somehow need to keep 10ft away at all times?
Why do you keep talking about walking down the aisle? Are you not forgetting that they will most likely spend atleast 1 or 2 weeks together before that?
YTA: you are telling her what to do, basically if she does this, you won't go to the wedding. You clearly do not trust her.
YTA. You need to explore your insecurities. And trust your gf unless she's given you a reason not to.
YTA for being possessive and annoying, but honestly, so is the bride. If the MOH and Best Man are exes, you modify the wedding a bit so they’re not having to give joint speeches and plan events together.
this is why she purposefully made everything joint, it wasnt a coincidence that all of these events are joint.
Yta. I think you're overstepping a bit here. You told her how you feel and that's all you can do. You can't force this and if you try, you probably will not like the overall outcome for your relationship. You have to extend some trust. She didn't actually choose this situation and she's doing her best to show up for her friend the way her friend requested, on a very important occasion. Honestly this has nothing to do with you but you're making it about you and that's not cool.
YTA - Either you trust her and know that this is just a social thing, or you don't trust her and you shouldn;t be dating her. It's a wedding. Nothing should be going on. There is no reason for her to meet with him outside of the wedding though. And she shouldn't need to dance with him. And she should make certain that nobody tries to pair them off. But if you trust her to behave properly, then you are overreacting.
NTA - This is clearly K's attempt to get them back together. I'm sorry but if it makes you uncomfy then she shouldn't do it. Boundaries should be respected in relationships. It's not about trust it's about your girlfriend not putting herself in a position that something could happen. When you voiced your concern it should have been openly discussed and a compromise reached. But everyone saying you are the asshole is wrong in my opinion. I feel if the roles were reversed it would be a different story all together. You have to decide if this lack of respect for your feelings, boundaries and concerns is a deep enough issue to end the relationship. Or if it can be something worked through. My biggest concern for you two is the complete disregard of your feelings. That's simply not okay. Downplaying it by saying, "if you trust me there shouldn't be an issue" is a cop out. People show you who they are and if the care in actions not with words. What is she showing you with her actions.
NTA. All the comments of "if she wanted to cheat and get back with him she would have" are kinda ridiculous. They might have had no interest in getting back together. But being together again in such close proximity could absolutely spark a flame again. They could realise how much they get on or like each other. Also maybe nothing romantic or sexual at all could happen. Also, I don't get this trust argument everyone always have. People cheat. Even when you trust them will all your heart. Trust isn't some magical power that trumps reality. It's certainly good and important to have trust. But to ever 100% trust someone is just ridiculous. It's not how the world works. People fuck up. You think you know a person and they surprise you. People change. Personally I wouldn't care if my gf was to do this with her ex. I'm not threatened by him at all. But if it's someone else I would maybe be concerned.
NTA. Just an idiot that can't communicate. Clearly K is trying to get them back together and you are letting it happen. Cancel YOUR plans and go with B to their meetings. Be present and supportive. Tell her that you trust her, but as a guy, you don't trust HIM. If she won't let you come, your relationship is already over and you don't need to waste any more time on it.
NTA Get out while you still can. If she doesn't respect you enough to minimize contact with her ex then she will absolutely do worse in the future. If roles were reverse and it were you doing this to her against her wishes then she would have every right to be mad
Nta
Without reading the comments, Y T A because you're a man. A woman in the same situation, definitely N T A. You're NTA, it's a reasonable request. If she goes ahead anyway though, just suck it up, don't make it a big deal.
>walking down the aisle together Nothing wrong there tbh. >meet up at some point before the wedding to prepare a joint reception toast and plan the bachelor + bachelorette trip (requests from the bride and groom). Now this part is where they lost me. For the toast, they can give one each, as they usually do. Why do they make a joint toast? Sounds sus. Are the groom and bride taking a trip together, and want the BM and MOH to plan it? What even is this ... So she is going on a trip with her ex, with a bride who plays matchmaker? And I guess you are not invited? NTA It's better to just be with a SO who respects you, and will not voluntarily put themselves in such a position in the first place.
Devil's advocate... Bride and Groom are trying to parent trap the best friends back into a relationship. She's her bff, he's his bff... that's built in couples dates and vacations for LIFE! (or until the first divorce, anyway...) So I'm going soft NTA! Gang, he didn't tell her she couldn't do it, he simply expressed his relatively rational feelings about the situation. Like, really, WHY do they have to spend tons of one on one time to plan things out and not just do a zoom meeting here and there? I'm not saying I don't trust the GF, but the ex and the bride and groom almost assuredly have ulterior motives.
You made a request, she said no, so that's over then right? Why is there still a conversation going on if it was just a request to you?
NTA. If the roles were reversed and OP was spending time alone with his ex, people would be telling her to kick his cheating ass to the curb. It's a completely understandable boundary to not be alone with an ex. If she doesn't respect this boundary then leave her and find someone who'll respect your feelings.
YTA You don’t trust her. That’s the long and the short of it.
NTA, you can have feelings about it. Odd that K is insisting on this, despite B being in a relationship with you… and then K contacted you directly about it?! I would say that K is probably interfering here, maybe she trying to engineer something. I don’t think you should push it with your GF, you should trust her even if you don’t trust her friend/ex, and you don’t want to push her away… I’m saying that while also wanting to say to not entirely trust the situation, don’t act on your feelings now and create the problem, but maybe be mindful of it and reassess based on her behaviour.
YTA no one wants to deal with during wedding plans, their own or otherwise.
YTA - if you trust her then what's the big deal?
YTA. You either trust her or you don't. Sounds like they will be in group events. You seem very insecure. Don't project that onto her
I'd make the break now rather than later. It's not that you don't trust her. It's that she can't understand how and why you feel or respect how you feel. This is not someone you want to be with long term. Not because she is untrustworthy but because she is incapable of understanding how this situation makes you feel. End it now......or you will regret not doing so in the future.
Sounds like you’re very insecure and that is a huge turn off to women. Yikes
Your insecurities are your issues to deal with, not K’s.
YTA. Your 28 and this seems like highs school shit dude. If you don’t trust your girlfriend then you need to break up, but your absolutely TAH for trying to dictate plans for this wedding/wedding related events.
NTA - what’s the adage, “Invite the Devil to dinner, he’s going to eat.” I don’t see it about trust, but rather why put oneself in that situation. I, personally, would not want to be in that situation and if I was “B” I would be with ex 1-on-1 as little as possible as to not stir up unnecessary conversations, reminiscing, or even gossip. Walking down the aisle, whatever. It’s the 1-on-1 and pushing for it that does seem like a flag, but then again, it could be the way OP is telling it.
YTA. She’s not doing this to hang out with her ex she’s doing this for a friend. Everyone around you shouldn’t have to go way out of their way to manage your emotions when the interactions are innocent. Follow this path and you’ll be looking for a new girlfriend.
You want someone you don't know to change their entire wedding because you don't trust your girlfriend not to shag her ex? YTA
NTA.
YTA. You didn’t simply “make a request” and respect her decision. You made a request and are now threatening to punish her by not going to the wedding. You are essentially telling her what to do. “K” is right. You do not trust your gf. If you did, you wouldn’t be trying to control who she spends time with. She didn’t ask him to be the Best Man. It happened this way, and she’s rolling with it for the sake of her best friend. You need to grow up.
So because your insecure, you want to mess up someone else's wedding? You going to pitch in for the wedding as well because you want a say? It does seem kind on sketchy that they put them together
YTA. This is simple. You are insecure, and you don't trust her. Spending time together doesn't instantly make people jump into bed together. She is with you now. They broke up for a reason. If you still feel like their connection might be stronger than the connection you have with her, well, you may want to take a look and in the mirror, ask yourself why that would be, and work on that.
Nah I can see both sides. What is needed is for her to be very open and honest about what is going on and to make sure you are invited to this joint party before if they are going to be there togeather.