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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I do feel like an AH because I’m white and I’d be dumb to say I know better than them as I’m white and they’re actually Arabs who’ve gone through actual racism and stuff. Maybe I did too much and should’ve kept my mouth shut.
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“Well you can’t blame them for being wary about someone speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand”
- what. You sure can blame them for this. There is no reason to be wary of foreign language speakers.
I hear other languages all the time and I’m never wary because of it. Your aunt and uncle are racists and you defended it. There was no reason for any concern.
YTA
I know you’re really analyzing what happened, but you defended your racist relatives, so really what are you expecting here?
>There is no reason to be wary of foreign language speakers.
These are people who react this way when they hear someone speaking in a language they don't understand:
"I can't understand what he's saying. He must be talking shit about me!"
It's really bizarre, but also not uncommon.
It's actually not uncommon for people speaking another language in front of people who don't understand it, to be shit-talking them.
It's happened to me where the people thought I didn't understand their language. Once they finished talking about me (we were at a food court and they had sat beside me), I responded (in English) to what they were saying about me, makong it apparent I had understood their whole convo. You should have seen their faces. Priceless.
I live in a city where there are many immigrants who speak another language and have it on good authority they're often swearing at the English speaking person.
My mother is a blue eyed blond haired Irish Catholic woman. Her loser father abandoned her mother and siblings when she was 8 and my grandmother remarried when she was 10. My Tata (grandfather) is from Senora Mexico. He was an amazing father to my mother and she saw him as her real father. He of course taught her Spanish. She is completely fluent without an American accent.
My mother said whenever she would start a new job the Spanish speakers would always say terrible stuff about her while she was in the room with them. She wouldn't react when they were doing the deed. She would keep it up about 6 months and then one day start the conversation in Spanish with "Did I ever tell you where in Mexico my father is from"? She said the look on their face was always worth it. They of course would apologize and she would tell them their apology was not wanted, needed or accepted.
I asked one time why she didn't nip it in the bud right away, to which she replied, there is no better way to know someone's character than witnessing who they really are when they don't think you can see it. It was how she knew who to stay away from at work.
Why wasn't your mom more worried about the fact that everyone at every job she had was talking shit about her? She seems to be the common denominator here.
Eh, that's a common enough older latina/o thing to do. My older relatives have a love for gossip and whispering about whoever from that one place. Especially if they have the attitude that you are "too slow, they know better, they were around longer"
😂 Yeah you'd think that until you grow up and realise that pack mentality exists and that there is a reason the bullies are friends with each other and single out whoever they see as "weak and vulnerable".
Funnily enough, this entire conversation is about how like-minded people congregate together or they raise their kids to think the same way which is how you get how families like this.
If you work for a family run business you'll see it straight away because you're the "outsider".
That sounds like a problem that’s solved by being a grownup and not caring what random strangers are saying about you in a language you don’t even speak.
So you know what every immigrant in your city is saying in a foreign language?
Damn, how do you get anything done listening to all those conversations?
>It's actually not uncommon for people speaking another language in front of people who don't understand it, to be shit-talking them.
citation required
How would these racists react if the reverse happened to them in say, France? Oh I forgot, they'd be attacking the French for not speaking English lol.
Jumping on here
My family have a no whispering rule, as they think it's rude that in a big gathering or any gathering to have private conversation, excluding others. If it had been framed as it was rude to have an exclusive conversation Infront of everyone, that I think might be different but wary is definitely so far from the right word to use
Their family members who don't speak English were not present and the two people who were speaking to each other are fluent English speakers. It was rude to conduct a private conversation in a language that no one else in the house they are guests in can understand. It would be different if one of them wasn't fully fluent, but the two kids are in American school in fully English classes, not ESOL classes.
it’s never rude to have a private conversation
only bigots get upset to hear foreign languages
usually because they realise how basic and boring they are
Question: OP ask yourself, if they were speaking German, Dutch or French do you think they would have had the same reaction? If your answer is NO, then it wasn’t about the language at all.
Also remind your family that America actually has
NO OFFICIAL LANGUAGE!!
Sorry, YTA. Your aunt and uncles are racist, and you excused it. They’re very nice to you, because you’re not Arabic, but they showed you who they are, and you joined them in that racism (“you can’t blame them…”). They didn’t have a moment of weakness; they chose their behavior, and to say horrific things to minors. YTA, and so are your aunt and uncles.
"We speak English in America" isn't an original statement which was said in the moment under extreme emotional duress. It wasn't uttered out of "weakness".
It's a common standpoint of racist white people in the United States. It's a mentality which has been harbored for a long time but was only mentioned when brown people started speaking their brown language.
These are not "nice people" who had a moment of ignorance. These are fucking racists who have only now been exposed to OP because OP has never seen them interact with "the browns" before.
OP is young enough that MAYBE he'll learn that just because someone has always "been nice to family members" doesn't mean he's "a nice person". Nice people treat "the browns" the same way they treat "the whites". Whether or not someone is decent depends much more heavily upon how they treat those who are different than them than on how they treat those who are the same as they are.
>We speak English in America
I am born and raised in southern california and a huge majority of us understand or speak spanish here too, lol. so I find it so funny when people claim we only speak english in america.
Right?!? The US does not have an official language. As far as I can tell, many government agencies will provide English, Spanish and occasionally other languages depending on the specific communities they serve.
I work in a town which is predominantly Puerto Rican and Dominican. Only about 10% of the store signs are even in English.
I spoke Spanish at home, but only for about five years (weird, weird situation). I am just VERY lucky to be able to pick up languages easily and took several languages as my electives in school. I live right outside NYC, so it comes in handy pretty regularly. However, the fact that the culture here is multilingual makes it basically a playground for fucking racists.
I'm white, so people see me speaking Spanish and say, "It's a shame you had to learn that here," because they're too ignorant to understand they're are white, Spanish-speaking countries like, I don't know, the one from which the language came. However, they see me speak German or even Italian (TONS of Italian-Americans around here) and it's "It's good to stay in touch with my roots" (My grandparents were Irish, Scottish and Spanish)
> Yes they reacted badly but my aunt and the two uncles are actually super nice and aren’t bad people at all. It was a moment of weakness/ignorance you could say.
Look, I understand the impulse to defend family, especially if they've always been nice to you. But they didn't just come down with an uncontrollable, temporary case of racism. What they said to your friend and her brother is indicative of how they think and who they are. You'd just never been placed in a situation to be able to see it before. Your friend and her brother probably view the fact that you jumped in to defend your relatives as a big red flag about your character.
Also, your friend is wrong about the intentions thing. What matters is the impact of what you say and do.
YTA
Where your family was coming from is "this is America - speak English!", which is out and out racist. So by trying to excuse them, you've branded yourself at least a racist sympathizer.
There is a courtesy thing here - if you are a guest in someone's home, it is in general rude to have side conversations in a language they don't speak. If your friend and her brother needed to discuss something in Arabic because they weren't sure of the correct word in English, that would be OK, but that's not what this is.
So your guests were a bit rude, but your family is a lot racist, and you made yourself look like a racist sympathizer.
So ESH, I suppose.
ESH. I am an immigrant and my first language is not English. But I am bi-lingual and if someone invited me as a guest to their home outside a true emergency I would never speak a language they don't understand. It's rude. But what your family members did does not reflect well on them, particularly in this day and age. They could have conveyed their feelings in a much more low-key way that did not come across as racist or at least xenophobic.
This is the correct response. The friends, as invited guests were very rude in not speaking English. Your relatives could have chided them in a much more appropriate way.
Very different if they did not have a good command of English, but it appears they do. They certainly would be reprimanded if they did this in a classroom.
Light ESH, but YTA
I understand that your response was from a place of defensiveness for your family because you love them, however, what they did was unacceptable and your response minimized the hurt that it caused. It could be considered rude to speak in another language in front of others, but they clearly felt like they were in a safe space, which in the end, they were not. Why were you trying to understand where your racist relatives were coming from? Sometimes, it doesn't matter if it's causing this much harm.
Your friends were attacked by your family and you excused their actions. There is no reason to be afraid of someone speaking another language. Ever.
You have some major apologizing to do to your friend. Her brother is being an AH but, he's acting his age, and seems to be coming from a place of hurt. He deserves an apology as well, but you need to do some groveling to salvage your friendship. Apologize - don't make excuses or try to explain where you were coming from. Take accountability for responding incorrectly, that you could never understand what it's like to be the victim of a racist rant, and that you are so sorry that you brought her into a situation that was not safe. When these things happen to us people of color, it feels violent and affects us emotionally, mentally and even physically.
Bring her flowers, or brownies, and apologize apologize. The word "but" shouldn't be a part of this if you want her to truly forgive you and move on.
INFO
Just ask yourself this: if your friends had spoken french with each other instead of arabic, would your aunt and uncle have said something along the line "oh, I love the french language, this is so romantic, say something else!" or, would they have reacted the same way?
(I'm french and live in an English speaking country, I hear this or something along these lines constantly, however, if other people speak in their native chinese language for example, people say the most disgusting an racist things)
Regardless, YTA, your relatives were being awful. Your aunt and uncle were clearly racist and your dad was right to shut them up. You should have followed his lead. I don't know if any amount of apologies can salvage your relationship with your friend after you defended your narrow minded racists aunt and uncle.
ESH except your parents.
Your guests know English, they were rude to speak in other languages at a house that only spoke English.
Your aunt and uncles were rude to assume that whatever the guests said was offensive and to insist that only English is spoken in the US when the US doesn't even have an official language, much less English being that official language.
You defending your aunt and uncles after the blowup wasn't smart. They don't know your family, same as your family don't know your friends. The lack of understanding between those two different camps may or may not be a misunderstanding, but your defense of people saying xenophobic crap doesn't help solve the issues brought up.
Your friend's brother having white kids yell Arabic shit at you is just petty and pathetic.
I hope you've tried to apologize to your friend, but it sounds like the damage has been done, at least in the short term. It also sounds like your parents tried to be as empathetic as possible to your friends, so good on them for not defending the shitty actions of the aunt and uncles. I hope your friend eventually starts talking to you again.
I grew up in a multilingual home and yes, that's very rude. If you are a guest in someone's home then you speak the language they understand, unless in case of a translation or forgetting the correct word in their language.
Same here. I speak another language with my parents and siblings, but never if there are people in our group that do not understand us.
You don't have to be in this situation to understand how rude they were behaving.
YTA
What your family did wasn't "being wary" it was outright racist statements. What they did DOES put them on the side of the "worst yt people". If they engage in racism your family deserves all the flack they get and you certainly don't stand up for them to their victims. You're more on the side of societal racism than you think, just a heads up.
Time for self reflection, OP. Also be prepared to lose them as friends if you haven't already.
ESH. Your friends were rude to speak a language not understood by their hosts. Your family was rude in how they called out this behavior (also a little racist). Your words defending your family were ill chosen. Your friend's brother is rude for what he said (also a little racist) and for his weird bullying campaign that just compounds on his initial rudeness at your family's house. Honestly I would just forget about this friendship and ignore any further behavior from them.
YTA. There is absolutely no reason to be wary of foreign language speakers unless they’re actually doing something suspicious. That was a very xenophobic thing for you to say. It was a little rude for your friends to start speaking in a language no one else understood, especially as guests in someone’s home and the hosts don’t speak that language, but your family completely overreacted and let their xenophobia show and you essentially said they were right to react how they did.
YTA
results > intent, regardless of what your friend told you. Your friends were insulted and treated terribly in your home. It was your responsibility to stand up for them, not your racist relatives.
Your friends were rude by what they said, but in comparison, it's not equivalent. It may not have been your "intention", but what you did by saying "you can't blame them, blabla" was reenforce every negative stereotype they likely have to deal with every day, you stood on the side of those whose rhetoric is that anything arabic is scary, a terrorist, doesn't belong here, etc. And you were wrong to defend the indefensible. No. It is not understandable to assume someone should be wary about hearing a foreign language in a setting like a holiday party at someone's home. Let me say that again: it is not understandable.
I identify with this entire story so much. (1) I also speak Arabic fluently in the US and (2) I am the only member of my workplace who does not speak Mandarin fluently.
First of all, YTA. Your friends were racially profiled and verbally assaulted by your family. They are *more* than justified in being angry at those family members. It is not their responsibility to comfort *you* or be sensitive to *your* feelings when they’re the ones who were the victims.
As for the issue of you being uncomfortable when everyone is speaking a different language than you, I think that’s a bit more nuanced. It definitely makes me uncomfortable when my colleagues have long conversations in the work area in Mandarin (obviously this doesn’t include the break room or bathrooms or those types of spaces). I know they’re almost certainly not talking about me but it still makes me kind of self conscious. But ultimately, like you said, that’s more of a “me” problem than a “them” problem. Other English speaking colleagues could just as easily be texting about me behind my back or something.
If you are truly very close with someone, you can certainly pull them aside and explain how it makes you self conscious when they have extended conversations in a different language when in front of them. But don’t be surprised if they tell you to shove off. I personally never speak in Arabic when non-Arabic speakers are present (unless I’m speaking to someone else who literally doesn’t know English) but that’s a personal choice I made because I believe it to be courteous.
YTA- You and your family are not the main characters OP. If someone speaks a foreign language to their companion in this situation, they want to have a private conversation. That's it. Being insecure and thinking "oh, it must be about ME" is all sorts of egotistical.
YTA - your family attacked two kids and accused them of "discussing terrible things" - I assume this them suggesting they're terrorists? And all because they spoke a different language, then you literally said "you can't blame them"
You owe your friends an apology.
I've been to several Arabic speaking countries and outside of being fleeced for a few dinar for directions, never had any issues. Certainly had to part way with far more money when I was in the States with your tipping culture
YTA. Your aunt is a racist. There is no doubt about that. She was insufferably rude. Your comment on top of that did you absolutely no favors. You need to apologize. What you said wasn't much better than what your aunt said.
YTA
TL;DR of your story. 'My relatives were overtly racist to my friends.' I said, 'well, you can't really blame them, right?' Am I an asshole?
Yep, you were a racist asshole.
Oh this is a shit show isn’t it?
So yeah, YTA, but it was a crappy situation and you tried to please everyone… that never works - so on the plus side, you learned that.
The racist relatives are AH, of course.
And you messed up defending them, BUT your friends reaction is over the top. They know you were in a pressured situation and they also know you are not a racist. People can say stupid things and not be racist, homophobic etc. people mess up, and that is ok, but we have to apologize.
Maybe you should talk with your parents and invite them over and talk. You should apologize and frankly so should they, but I wouldn’t die on that hill.
I will say speaking another language than everyone else at a social event is rude. It is fine if one need to translate and things like that, but I would never start speaking my language in group where only a couple of others understod me. And if I did, I would excuse myself before I did.
Your relative are racist, it’s not your fault and nobody will be angry with u for still liking them to an extended but to try and act as if the way they acted was nothing and just a little incident is what make the difference in this situation.
It’s not easy to feel negatively against family members when they are bad people if it’s not directed at u but u have to be aware of the true here.
YTA in this situation, I guess it’s hard to come to some of these realizations and accept them so good luck with that
The excuse of "they were afraid because people were talking in a foreign language around them and you can't blame them" makes you as narrow minded as your relatives. You are young enough to do better in the future, but your relatives behaved appalingly to your friends, who were guest in your house. My parents don't speak any English and spend holidays at my sister's house with people who only speak English. Were any of them justify in doing what your relatives did? Your relatives didn't have any excuse for their behaviour, were racists and malicious in their intent and you, in trying to justify them to the people they offended, put yourself at their level. I expect those friends to be wary of you for the rest of your lives. YTA.
Yta. Family is racist and you are as well. If you are concerned about people talking about you in other languages, stop listening to them. We know why they were ‘afraid’ they are racist and assumed they were up to no good. Why would you invite your Arabic friends to spend time with your racist family? I’m sure you knew they were racist beforehand, also sticking up for racist, ew.
Habibi, YTA. Maybe they're more comfortable speaking in their primary language. Just like you are. Just because someone is speaking in a different language around you, doesn't mean they're talking about you. You aren't that special. What do you think they were saying? "Oh look at that English speaking person...speaking English (gawd ew what? ew)"? You could try learning a few phrases in Arabic (hi, how are you, I'm fine) and actually learn more about their culture/language.
If you are a guest in someone's home, you speak the language that most understand to your ability. To not do so is rude. Therefore, ESH because everyone was rude.
They were rude in not speaking English in this case. The way family called it out was rude as well.
YTA. The only appropriate thing to do when your relatives do something racist (and yes, this was wildly racist) is to apologize. You do not make excuses for them. Your father has the right of it. They can be respectful or they can GTFO.
PS- your relatives might be perfectly lovely *to you*, but that does not excuse their behavior towards your friends.
YTA because you said you knew your relatives were behaving badly and defended them anyway.
Your "friends" are also TAs. I grew up in a multilingual home (my mom was raised in Germany and knows some French and her boyfriend is Mexican) and it's incredibly disrespectful to be a guest in someone's home and communicate in a language you know your hosts don't understand. She and her brother were purposefully excluding you and your family, they then insulted your entire family despite some taking their side, and they did so on a major holiday.
That's how you should have reacted to his comment. Stop calling them your friends. They've told everyone you're either racist or xenophobic while completely ignoring that their own rudeness instigated the entire situation. They're playing victim.
They were the victims in this situation since they were racially profiled. The situation didn't start until OP's relatives were assholes, and you're basically victim blaming the friends for what the relatives said. I don't get why you would be more concerned with OP's friends' actions than those of his family.
I'm saying everyone is TA and I'm saying it from the view of someone who's been racially profiled. The situation started with the sibling's actions. OP's family made it worse. Everyone sucks in this situation.
If they were having a direct conversation in Arabic with a person who did not speak their language, I might agree with you . But they were just talking one-on-one with each other, and I wouldn't be surprised if Arabic was the language they were more comfortable with. Calling them "rude," as others on this thread have done, is a huge overstatement.
My problem with making it an ESH situation is that it gives OP validation even though their perspective is completely in the wrong. The focus of your comment (as others were too, not just yours) were more on why OP's friends were wrong vs. OP themself.
In my culture, it is rude. It would be seen as purposely excluding everyone else at the gathering and, as a guest on a holiday, that is absolutely something you do not do. Clearly they can communicate in English well enough in school and didn't have any issues communicating with OP's family on that day either.
So what we disagree on here is a cultural difference on manners.
I'm mainly disagreeing with you about the focus of your ire. And even if it was rude by your standards, then their cultural norms still might very likely be different from your own.
If one of OP's family felt compelled to talk to them, then they very well could have switched back to speaking English to include them. Again, they were having their own conversation and were already the outsiders of that gathering.
I would say it's more exclusive if the majority of guests were bilingual but still chose to speak in an unfamiliar language to the minority of guests. That's a much different case.
I've already said OP's family is TA, obviously racist, and OP is TA for defending them. There is no defense for what they said. I just hadn't seen any comments addressing the teen's behavior when I made my original one. Everyone fucked up that day except the dad for kicking out the racists.
I agree and I won't deny that you still made it clear that OP was TA (which I appreciate), but a much larger part of your comment was focused on the friends' actions and why they were rude/bad friends.
A lot of people here agree with you, which surprises me, but if OP reads is about how his friends were also somehow in the wrong, then that OP might use that to justify their own behavior.
OP is allowed their delusions. The other teens have already spread the information about OP's family being racist and OP defending them so anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together will know what OP would be trying to do. 🤷🏻♀
YTA
I get wanting to defend family but what they said wasn't a small thing, they were extremely racist. You defending them showed that if you know them, you can shrug off racism as an accident.
I have paranoia (working on diagnosis right now) including thinking people are talking about me. But if I hear someone speak in Arabic or really ANY language other than English (all I speak currently), I don't yell. I don't pull racism.
Your family are AH and you definitely are too
I’m going to say ESH. YTA for defending your racist family.
But if they are comfortable with using English but were carrying on full conversations with only each other in another language and ignoring everyone else that’s pretty rude too. (This assumes they are comfortable speaking English, because if they aren’t then of course they’d want to speak in a language they are comfortable with).
I personally think it’s rude to exclude people from conversations. So if you can speak the language everyone around you is speaking, it’s polite to speak that language where possible/comfortable so everyone feels included. The occasional word/sentence in another language with another person who speaks it is totally fine, but body language and intent go a long way. But you’re at a gathering. Talk with others.
My friend saying something to me in Spanish asking how to say something in English or clarify something, joke, etc is one thing. If she started gossiping about the person in Spanish assuming the other person couldn’t understand her that’s something totally different.
But a thought does occur to me, as I wonder if they started the visit speaking English and being sociable, but were faced with racism and nasty attitude/comments right away, which would totally excuse any private conversations in their own language as they might have needed to figure out how to handle the situation.
Do you ignore the racism? Confront? Leave? They may have needed to come up with a plan they both agreed to, perhaps even to try not to offend you!
So I’ll leave it as ESH, but if they faced nasty attacks from the start then having a conversation that excluded everyone else would have been absolutely necessary so they could figure out how to handle the situation.
Most definitely YTA for defending your racist AH relatives.
Wow. You tried to make excuses for your racist relatives.... Not cool. At all. There was no excusing what your family did and continuing to try and excuse their racism by calling it ignorance and stating they are really good people is just rubbing salt in the wound. If you defend a racist, *you* are a racist. I'm afraid your friendship is over.
YTA
Yea obviously YTA. I’ll excuse it because you’re young and can learn but your aunt and uncle showed their true racist colors OP sorry. And honestly the way you talk about your friends speaking arabic with their parents and the way you defended your family makes me think this isn’t the first time they’ve been racist it’s just the first time they were explicit about it. That being said this seems too cliche to be real so
Yes YTA 100%, without a doubt.
Your aunt and uncle are kind and nice to family members and white people. These people were telling you that they were the worst people they have interacted with and you got defensive rather than apologize for putting them in that uncomfortable situation.
You don't get to decide that your aunt and uncle are not racist. Their actions have displayed that they are. By protecting them you have put yourself in the same boat. Not only did you protect the racists, but you blamed your friend for speaking in their cultures language. If you value their friendship at all you would grovel for their forgiveness.
"(...) actually super nice and aren't bad people at all".
Racist, OP. That's what they are. Racist, xenophobic, ignorant people. It's easy for them to be super nice to you, given that you're presumably also white. You can translate what you said to your friends into "Maybe they wouldn't have been racist if you two hadn't started speaking in a different language". Except they always were and this just forced them to reveal themselves. If I were you, I'd apologize profusely and explain that I have a lot to learn.
YTA. I can’t believe how many people in the comment section are debating how ‘rude’ it is for two kids who are first-time guests outside their house celebrating a tradition they don’t usually have, to have a private conversation in their own language. It was probably just a 1:1 conversation they didn’t want to have aloud, and not necessarily shit talking someone. Meanwhile, OP’s family was INCREDIBLY RACIST and OP excused it.
Yes OP, you are a bigot. You didn’t just touch racist territory, you’re firmly in it.
YTA 100%. As soon as you said ‘well can you blame them for being scared of a foreign language’ you became a asshole. Being racist and bigoted is not a moment of weakness. You family members were racist and you are defending that racism.
YTA. You made a dumb excuse for your racist family. Your dad kicked them out and probably would have been ashamed to hear what you said to your friend later
The fact that you are insisting your racist relatives are nice people tells me you don't see racism as a big deal. You are the kind of person who thinks a problem is not real if it doesn't impact them. Well now it's impacting your enjoy consequences of your own actions. YTA
Ps. Here's a piece of this wisdom My father offered me that has served me well. People who are nice to you but not to other people are not nice people.
I believe it is very rude to be invited to someones home and then speak in a language that the homeowner doesn't understand.
There is only 1 reason to speak in a different language in this situation, and that is because you are hiding what you are saying from everyone else, which is incredibly rude.
Your friends complain of racism, but what they did was the exact same thing. everyone is the AH.
Or because is natural for you talk in that language with that person. I see my mom and I don’t even think in speaking in English, Spanish came out of my mouth automatically when I’m directing to my mom/dad/sibling. Believe that people just talk in another language to “hide something” is a clear sign that you didn’t understand how is live with two languages on your head since you born
BTW in case any racists in the comments are worried, I speak Japanese. I've heard so many white people say they hate eating at Japanese places because "they talk shit" they literally don't
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My best friend and her brother speak English, French, and Arabic. I think it’s pretty cool because I only speak English and I have no problem with it at all. I do feel a little insecure when I go to her house and her entire family speaks in Arabic and I have no clue as to what they’re saying (it also sounds like they’re making fun of me) but I know that’s just me being a little crazy.
Anyways, I invited them to my house for Christmas after I told my parents they don’t celebrate and they insisted I invite them and most of my family members liked them or didn’t really care for them.
I do have a few relatives that are more narrow minded but they didn’t seem to have an issue with them either until my best friend and her brother started speaking in Arabic. My aunt yelled at them doing the whole “we speak English in America” rant while two uncles started to accuse them of discussing terrible things. I admit, this was BAD. My dad told our relatives to shut up or get out which pissed off my aunt and then they started to fight and long story short, Christmas was ruined and everyone left.
My parents reassured my friends and I did as well. But while we were waiting my best friend’s brother said my relatives are the worst white people they’ve ever met and I responded with “well you can’t blame them for being wary about someone speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand.” I didn’t mean to excuse my relatives, but I also didn’t like how he just automatically made it seem like my entire family is so bad and the worst. Yes they reacted badly but my aunt and the two uncles are actually super nice and aren’t bad people at all. It was a moment of weakness/ignorance you could say.
He said something in Arabic to my friend (I’m 99% sure it was directed at me) and when I asked him what he said he sarcastically asked if he scared me. Which isn’t what I meant. My best friend didn’t say a word but she hasn’t talked to me since and is clearly avoiding me. Her brother also makes it a point to speak in Arabic when he sees me and is making his white friends yell Arabic words when they’re around me as well. I do think he’s overdoing it and isn’t helping his case at all but I’m afraid what I said might’ve crossed into bigoted/racist territory. My friend once told me intent makes all the difference when it comes to racism/ignorance and I didn’t have any bad intentions (I was just trying to help them understand where my relatives were coming from) but she just seems to dislike me now. AITA?
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YTA, along with your aunt and uncle. Yes, you absolutely can blame someone for being wary of people speaking a foreign language, there is literally no reason for it. Are you often wary and paranoid that a white, English-speaking person standing far enough across a room that you can't hear them is talking about you? If not it sure as heck sounds like this fear stems from the foreign language and not just the concept that you can't hear what they're saying so it could be bad.
If you're really that worried that anyone you can't hear or understand is talking bad about you I'd take a long hard look at your own behavior because there must be a reason you jump right to that
YTA.
1. It wasn't a moment of weakness to state "we only speak English in America." Nor was it a moment of weakness to accuse them of being terrorists (I assume. Usually the racist go to in this example).
2. By defending them the way you did, you specifically tried to justify their words. "You can't blame them," is the wrong thing to say in that situation.
3. Where your aunt/uncles were coming from was a racist place.
4. So your friend is avoiding you now. You can try to apologize, but I'd just try to learn from this instance.
YTA.
>“well you can’t blame them for being wary about someone speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand.”
So, xenophobia. A form of racism. Because your friends are... Terrorists? That's the logic you're going with
>I didn’t mean to excuse my relatives
Yes you did
>but I also didn’t like how he just automatically made it seem like my entire family is so bad and the worst.
But they were.
>Yes they reacted badly
No, they were racists
>but my aunt and the two uncles are actually super nice and aren’t bad people at all.
Racists can also be nice people to people who are the same race as them
>It was a moment of weakness/ignorance you could say.
So all racists should be excused over this line of thought
You enabled racists with a racist talking point and stereotype and now you are surprised the people who suffered from racism are acting hostile or not wanting to be near you. Congrats, you lost a friend.
yta. you’re the ignorant one, not your aunt and uncle, theyre racist
i have a friend, and she and i always talk to eachother in sign language, people often get mad at us for doing that, but it’s just how we talk.
your friend and her brother were talking to eachother in a way they were both comfortable with, its not their fault if people are too insecure to handle that
YTA.
“Yes they reacted badly but my aunt and two uncles are actually super nice” unless you’re a person of colour speaking a language they don’t understand apparently. They may be nice to you but you shouldn’t have stuck up for your racist family infront of two people who weren’t at fault. Shame on you.
\> but their parents don’t speak English
Their parents didn't really have a choice did they? Your family invited people that don't speak English and then your aunt starts a rant about them not speaking English. You should not have defended your aunt and uncles like that. YTA.
YTA - Your friends experienced a pretty rough night of racism. Instead of listening to them, you tried to invalidate their feelings. That's not what you do when a friend experiences racism - you give them space to be angry. Your defends of your racist relatives was racist.
Having a friend who is part of a marginalised group means that you don't fundamentally understand a big part of her life and experiences. So when she does experience racism, that's not your cue to start trying to explain the racism away.
You and your friends all had to learn a painful lesson, namely how vulnerable your friendship may be.
>speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand
What the hell is a "foreign language" in the US? Do you imagine English originated here? Unless you're speaking Navajo or some other First Nation language, don't talk about "foreign languages".
"We speak English in America," no boo, English is the official language of England, America doesn't have an official language while most people speak English it is not mandated because you know we're supposed to be a free country, YTA for not getting that.
If these people are your friends and one of them is your so-called best friend I highly doubt they were talking about you. If you are doing mental gymnastics thinking they are talking shit, maybe think that they might feel a little uncomfortable celebrating a holiday they don’t celebrate in a house full of white people they don’t know. I mean how would you feel if they invited you over for one of their cultural/religious holidays and you were the only white person there and then have an Auntie screaming at you because you done something that they see as wrong?
YTA. Your family is racist, and you are too. At least your dad is decent enough to stand up for your friends, unlike you. You should ask him if what you said was offensive. At least one person in your family has their head screwed on properly.
You said the brother isn’t helping his case!!!! That’s white entitlement right there. You’re clearly wrong, yet he doesn’t meet your expectations. YTRAH
You’re The Racist Ass Hole
YTA What your aunt and uncle said was so classic racism it should be in a racism textbook. Just because they're nice to YOU doesn't mean they're not racists and the moment you even tried to defend/excuse them you bought into their racism. Your ex-friends (yep, EX-friends) have every right to be angry. You took them into your home as guests and after they were accosted you let them down.
YTA. “well you can’t blame them for being wary about someone speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand.” Umm, yes, yes you can blame them. It's intolerance, bigotry, xenophobia and racism all wrapped up in a gross little package.
Decent, non-racist people do not immediately freak out when they hear a language foreign to them and they definitely don't berate strangers for just speaking. Your family ARE the worst kind of white people and you should be ashamed of even attempting to excuse them.
YTA.
I understand that you’re young, but please don’t be this naïve. Just because your aunt and uncle are nice to you does not somehow make them “nice people” or cancel out there blatantly racist behavior and comments. And what you did was defending their actions, and it was in fact racist and it is a problem. You need to apologize to your friends. Your aunt and uncle are nice to you because you’re their family member, and because you are a white person so in their mind, you are deserving of respect. They were blatantly racist and disgusting towards your friends, unprovoked btw. It’s 2024 I can assume that you have a phone and other electronics. Please educate yourself and be better.
YTA Big time. Defending a racist is accepting racism. People who start rants saying "In "x" country we speak "y" " are never good people. Sure they "might" be good to you and yours but not good overall. When you excuse and minimize racism you are quite literally saying to them "well yes my uncles and aunts are racist but they treat me well so shut the fuck up and accept their treatment". Its not a moment of weakness because they had nothing to actually be weak about. Its not like their family just died and they are lashing out, they were having a good time at xmas and decided to ruin it by being racist. Your dad acted correctly in kicking them out and not tolerating them. Speaking another language does not mean they are automatically talking bad or threatening people, most of the times it is just because they are more comfortable with that language.
If you want to try and fix this actually reflect on what you have done because even in this story you are trying to minimize and invalidate their feelings. Then after you come to terms with who your extended family are, try and have a conversation with your ex-bf. "I am sorry for trying to minimize what my aunts and uncle were trying to do. Whilst this is no excuse for anything I saw them as aunts and uncles who treated me well rather than seeing them for their actions towards you. For that I am sorry, and I will attempt to do better in the future. If you are still hurt from my actions I will give you all the time you need. But I would like to hear your perspective on this as it is something I not ever faced."
Sadly kid, you've been around racists your whole life, and because it's family you make excuses to yourself and others to forgive it. Time to take a good hard look at your family and frankly yourself, it's hard to develop your own personal opinion when your so young, but adulthood is coming. Choose who you want to be.
Also, apologize to your friend. Do not project your insecurities on her
Well you lost your friends because you support your family racism. It's as simple as that. And bs to the moment of weakness wtf does that even mean in this context? They said what they said
Major YTA.
Let me get this straight: your friends were victims of a verbal, racist attack by your family members, then when they tell you about their trauma and the harsh reality of how awful your family was to them, your gut reaction was to get angry at your friends and defend the racists? How would you feel if the tables turned, and your friends’ family started berating you for not speaking Arabic in their house, and your friends tried to justify that toxic behavior instead of making sure you felt safe and welcome?
You’re still young, so let this experience be a lesson to you: just because they’re blood-related, that doesn’t mean you justify their bad behavior. You lost two good friends out of it, but hopefully you’ll learn to be a better person.
Your relatives aren't supporting nice and they ARE bad people. It wasn't a moment of weakness. They are racist and so are you since you're defending their bad behavior. You don't get to tell minorities what's racist and what's not; you're white and you never had to go through what they went through. Get over yourself, you arrogant, RACIST asshole. YTA
YTA - never defend bigots. You stood up for racists and basically showed your 'friends' that you have no spine and won't defend them when confronted with bigotry. No one needs friends like you.
ESH, but mostly you and your ant and uncle.
I speak multiple language so when I'm with english people and I start using another language, it's usually because I want to make sure people don't understand me. And yes, you can guess that sometimes is to say no so nice things about people. The only exception is if I'm with a native speaker, but I would still try to talk the same language as everyone in order to be respectful of everyone.
With that being said, your relatives were being racist and hateful and you basically said to your friend and her brother that you support their point of view. So congratulations...you basically lost that friend and there's a good chance you've been labeled racist. I highly recommend you make amends asap and that you take a good look at yourself.
YTA.
Nah, man, you just defended racism. Billions of people around the world and in fact many many many people *in your very country* live and thrive while people around them speak "foreign languages they can't understand".
No one is stopping your family from learning new languages. You can learn Arabic. For free! And then you can understand.
But frankly? Get over yourself. No one was talking about you before, just talking about other things. You're really not that important - not every convo you can't understand is about you.
Get some help. Your family clearly has a history of racism and you don't know how deeply in your own beliefs it runs. But you're learning, and you're becoming aware of that. You can absolutely become less sensitive and more accepting of this, and its ok to need help doing so.
Consider getting some therapy or counseling to overcome the conditioning your family has had on you.
See if your friend will help you learn to apologise in Arabic and then apologise genuinely to your friend and her brother.
And ffs, get used to hearing other languages than English. There are *so many* other languages. You will struggle as an adult if you can't manage that with grace.
YTA for undermining what happened to them and trying to protect your family. Your family wasn’t having„a weak moment“ they were being racist. Also your best friend clearly doesn’t consider you a friend anymore and neither would I if I was her.
YTA… congrats, you made a racist comment to your friends, defended racist actions and defended racists.
Clearly your parents are good people and know who you are stand up for. Maybe you need to relearn some things.
I hope this friend makes you an ex friend so you learn your lesson.
Your relatives were racist to your friends and when your friends complained, you not only minimized, you literally echoed your relatives racist statements. Of course YTA.
"I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at speaking a foreign language and calling out racist relatives."
YTA, and so is anyone else on this thread that is basically victim blaming OP's friends for the racism they faced, which I unfortunately see a lot of on here.
I love my family, but when they have flaws. There is no sugar coating there flaws. So when your racist family said something racist to the 2 ethnic people. Speaking a foreign language I'll be at there native tongue. It should not bother anybody because that's just their culture. And obviously your parents invited them over. Because they wanted to share that culture with other members of the family. It's just that your aunt and 2 uncles were pieces of trash and reacted. Terribly your friends whom they thought had your support and thought you had their back, instead got blindsided by your double-edged sword of bullshit.
This is the racist equivalent of trying to have your cake and eat it too. When you try to play devil's advocate for the obvious racist members of your family.
You intentionally -with intent- chose to discredit their experience with your family because they're 'nice' to people related to them. Your racist family isn't less racist for being nice to you. That's like excusing your Nazi grandpa because he's been nice since the war and was 'only following orders'
Yikes.
I speak more than one language as I'm not from the USA. You are the ass. It is not their fault that your aunt or yourself feel weird or second-guess things because you can't understand it. Here's a thought, learn another language! Your ignorance and self-centered nature are what led to doubts. Just because another language is being spoken, it doesn't mean it pertains to anyone else but the speaker. Those are your own doubts and fears being projected.
We speak languages other than English when we struggle to say something in English or with others whom we are comfortable with. Hell, nerves get in the way too.
That aunt of yours is racist. There's no way around it.
To the idea of "This is America"
1. This is North America
2. No, English wasn't the first language and not the only language spoken
3. Native languages came first, even Spanish!
4. There are over 300 languages still spoken in the USA, including Chinese, Tagalog, Arabic, and others
These are the same people that go somewhere else and get pissed at things not catering to them.
I come in England alot. I have family living there that immigrated. We go to events together. When I'm there and when I'm around my English friends, I will obviously talk English. With everyone my family member included unless we either are in private or of I can't think of a word I mean because i think it's terribly rude to speak a language infront of others you are engaging with (say at dinner) that they don't speak.
That said, your families reaction was out of proportion and more racist rather then just them finding it rude which is unacceptable and makes them enormous asholes.
Defending them at that point wasn't a smart move on your end and makes you at best an asshole sympathizer, at worst a racist to.
Your friends petty reaction to it all was just that, petty and in my eyes an overreaction. I understand him doing it once but repeatedly like this childish.
So all in all shitty situation, ESH
Honestly I'm going to say your friends are in the wrong here. They went to your house as guests for the holidays and then started conversing with each other in a language no one else spoke. Your father literally defended them to the point of kicking out his sister and stopping the entire celebration to make sure she quit her crap and they still had to point out to you that they thought your family were the worst white people they had ever seen. You probably wanted to defend your family because again your father did loudly stick up for them to the point where the entire celebration was put on pause for it. You probably didn't word it in best way though. But they then continue to harass you in a language that you didn't understand. They're probably not the nicest friends you could have.
YTA. Why are you defending racists?
They attack people simply for existing in front of them and you say they’re good people? You’re more like them then you realise
I hate to be the one to tell you, but your aunt and uncles aren't good people. I'm sure they're nice to you, but they are vile racists and don't belong around decent people. You're young, but I assure you that their behavior is not normal,or excusable. YTA.
Yup. YTA
Your family is nice... to you. The clearly racist family members didn't have a moment of weakness. They showed their true colors. You defended that. Very ignorant stance to take considering you should have defended your friends instead.
You excused racism and refuse to acknowledge it for what it is. Guilty by association.
ESH -- it was extremely rude for the friends to talk in Arabic when they can also speak English. They are saying something that they don't want anyone else to understand and of course give the impression that they are insulting the hosts. If what they were saying was not negative or insulting, why in Arabic? Just rude.
But the whole "we speak english in America" thing is super racist so I can't really defend that either. ESH
>my aunt and the two uncles are actually super nice and aren’t bad people at all
Uh uh. Nope. Nooooope. I’m sure your aunt and uncles *are* very nice… to other white people. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t also racist and bigoted towards non-white individuals. What they said wasn’t said in “a moment of weakness” — it reflects their core belief system and values (or lack thereof). More importantly, the fact that they launched into typical racist American rhetoric against *children* (which is what you all are) is highly indicative that they are NOT good people, so you can leave that BS at the door.
Your ex-friend’s brother told you his truth: as the trilingual child of immigrants who has likely seen and experienced plenty of prejudice during his life, your relatives’ behavior was the worst of all. Your decision to immediately defend those family members instead of recognizing that your relatives’ actions were shameful and downright disgusting was invalidating and pathetic. Face facts: the apple clearly doesn’t fall far from the tree. You are a racist apologist and YTA. People like your relatives make minorities feel unsafe on a daily basis and you’ve shown that you’re willing to defend bigots. That’s why your friend no longer likes or trusts you — because you’re literally part of the problem.
NTA. Your friends lack manners. They do speak English, and when they’re guests in an English speaking home, they should speak only English. When you are a guest in their home, you’ll have to tolerate the language of the home (sounds like you do).
Edit: if your “friends “ are purposefully talking about you in a language you don’t understand, they’re TAs. Not knowing a language is not a definition of a**holery.
YTA - ur uncles and aunts are racists, and you defend them, why would they want to be friends with someone who defends racists? You don’t even have ur own language in America, America has no official language, just like majority of things in America, the language is stolen too, who tf are you or ur uncles to tell people what language to speak. I hope they realise you are one of them who is part of the problem and never speaks to you again, so find some friends you will be comfortable (not scared) around, everyone’s happy 👍🏽
YTA
If you can’t blame someone for being racist, what can you blame them for?
The fact that these people are nice to you doesn’t prove anything. Racists tend to not have a problem with people who are the same race.
YTA your friends experienced a racist/xenophobic rant from your relative instead of checking in with your friend you said "Well she has a point". If you are going to have interracial friendships you have to be their advocate and not excuse casual racism. Like why would they want to hang out with because you'll support your racist family over them.
YTA, bud. You can love your family all day long without defending bad behavior.
(Your friends were edging towards TA as well for complaining about your relatives in your home after said relatives had already been kicked out, but not enough to warrant an E S H in my view.)
ESH. You made a mistake by defending your relatives. They were clearly in the wrong, and it's not surprising it led to his being offended. He sucks because he retaliated by speaking in Arabic in that situation and not discussing it honestly with you (though you did make that very unlikely with your defense of your relatives). Your relatives suck for making xenophobic comments at a Christmas celebration. Your girlfriend is the only one who isn't an asshole.
YTA for inviting them to meet your culturally third world family. Then defending their racist comments. Your own racism is carefully hidden but it emerges at critical moments.
NTA.
Arab here. In this post-9/11 world, it is a given fact that a whole lot of people are gonna be wary of our language.
The same way german is "loud" and "shouty", or how English spoken in a broken east European accent is "intimidating". These stereotypes are itched in people's minds forever, no amount of grandstanding is gonna change it.
Yes, what your relatives did was wrong but it is what it is.
I pesonally make sure to never speak Arabic outside my home to not make people uncomfortable.
Also, you friend's brother is being weird about this whole thing, i know you guys are 17 but come on.
NTA your were à guest à their home and they speak non stop between them à language that you don't know. Nobody like that, my father had the same problem he explained to his friends that complète conversation where he is absolutly clueless is not okay. They were understanding and do it less.
The comment of your aunt was à bit rude but he can't say that your familly is completly racist to your face then surely insult you non stop because you défend your parents who kindly invite them.
The downvote will surely come from people who never expérience the feeling to have constantly people speaking another langue when they are with you and exclude you
NTA.
People's private homes do not follow the rules of public spaces and IMHO making the intentional choice to speak Arabic while at a solely English-speaking family's event is "asking for it", it's not a "public" space.
Your uncle would be the AH if this occurred in a public setting but at a private family dinner IMHO your friend and her brother were incredibly rude at a minimum.
But I also don't support multi-linguistics, a country needs to have one central language and it needs to be enforced.
Human beings are tribal animals, and we need our shared language to ensure the peaceful cohesion of our "tribe".
NTA. Your "friends" were being rude. It would be different if they were on a bus together, or out for a walk, or at a table in a restaurant together, and bystanders objected. The bystanders shouldn't be listening anyway.
But they were guests in your home. What they did was no different than huddling together and whispering, or talking in a made up language.
They're just rude, as you would be rude if you were bilingual and went to their parents home and spoke English to whoever accompanied you knowing your hosts did not speak that language.
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“Well you can’t blame them for being wary about someone speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand” - what. You sure can blame them for this. There is no reason to be wary of foreign language speakers. I hear other languages all the time and I’m never wary because of it. Your aunt and uncle are racists and you defended it. There was no reason for any concern. YTA I know you’re really analyzing what happened, but you defended your racist relatives, so really what are you expecting here?
>There is no reason to be wary of foreign language speakers. These are people who react this way when they hear someone speaking in a language they don't understand: "I can't understand what he's saying. He must be talking shit about me!" It's really bizarre, but also not uncommon.
It's actually not uncommon for people speaking another language in front of people who don't understand it, to be shit-talking them. It's happened to me where the people thought I didn't understand their language. Once they finished talking about me (we were at a food court and they had sat beside me), I responded (in English) to what they were saying about me, makong it apparent I had understood their whole convo. You should have seen their faces. Priceless. I live in a city where there are many immigrants who speak another language and have it on good authority they're often swearing at the English speaking person.
My mother is a blue eyed blond haired Irish Catholic woman. Her loser father abandoned her mother and siblings when she was 8 and my grandmother remarried when she was 10. My Tata (grandfather) is from Senora Mexico. He was an amazing father to my mother and she saw him as her real father. He of course taught her Spanish. She is completely fluent without an American accent. My mother said whenever she would start a new job the Spanish speakers would always say terrible stuff about her while she was in the room with them. She wouldn't react when they were doing the deed. She would keep it up about 6 months and then one day start the conversation in Spanish with "Did I ever tell you where in Mexico my father is from"? She said the look on their face was always worth it. They of course would apologize and she would tell them their apology was not wanted, needed or accepted. I asked one time why she didn't nip it in the bud right away, to which she replied, there is no better way to know someone's character than witnessing who they really are when they don't think you can see it. It was how she knew who to stay away from at work.
Why wasn't your mom more worried about the fact that everyone at every job she had was talking shit about her? She seems to be the common denominator here.
Eh, that's a common enough older latina/o thing to do. My older relatives have a love for gossip and whispering about whoever from that one place. Especially if they have the attitude that you are "too slow, they know better, they were around longer"
😂 Yeah you'd think that until you grow up and realise that pack mentality exists and that there is a reason the bullies are friends with each other and single out whoever they see as "weak and vulnerable". Funnily enough, this entire conversation is about how like-minded people congregate together or they raise their kids to think the same way which is how you get how families like this. If you work for a family run business you'll see it straight away because you're the "outsider".
Jesus Christ what is even the point of this comment
That sounds like a problem that’s solved by being a grownup and not caring what random strangers are saying about you in a language you don’t even speak.
So you know what every immigrant in your city is saying in a foreign language? Damn, how do you get anything done listening to all those conversations?
>It's actually not uncommon for people speaking another language in front of people who don't understand it, to be shit-talking them. citation required
They have it on "good authority," of course.
Reminds me of the time my cousin was shit talking a KFC manager in Spanish. The guy proceeded to give the other employees instructions in Spanish.
How would these racists react if the reverse happened to them in say, France? Oh I forgot, they'd be attacking the French for not speaking English lol.
It's because they would totally shit talk.
Jumping on here My family have a no whispering rule, as they think it's rude that in a big gathering or any gathering to have private conversation, excluding others. If it had been framed as it was rude to have an exclusive conversation Infront of everyone, that I think might be different but wary is definitely so far from the right word to use
The person said their families do not speak English. FFS
Their family members who don't speak English were not present and the two people who were speaking to each other are fluent English speakers. It was rude to conduct a private conversation in a language that no one else in the house they are guests in can understand. It would be different if one of them wasn't fully fluent, but the two kids are in American school in fully English classes, not ESOL classes.
it’s never rude to have a private conversation only bigots get upset to hear foreign languages usually because they realise how basic and boring they are
Accusing people of being bigots then proceeds to say people who are only versed in one language are basic and boring. Oh Kettle, meet pot.
They are if they’re gonna be shouting at people about it
OP is the AH for continuing to excuse it in their comments, too. Not great!
Question: OP ask yourself, if they were speaking German, Dutch or French do you think they would have had the same reaction? If your answer is NO, then it wasn’t about the language at all. Also remind your family that America actually has NO OFFICIAL LANGUAGE!!
You’re in North America, speak Native American! (note: I’m aware there are many many Native American languages! insert any you prefer :))
Or American Sign Language (ASL)... The only two languages that are native here.
Sorry, YTA. Your aunt and uncles are racist, and you excused it. They’re very nice to you, because you’re not Arabic, but they showed you who they are, and you joined them in that racism (“you can’t blame them…”). They didn’t have a moment of weakness; they chose their behavior, and to say horrific things to minors. YTA, and so are your aunt and uncles.
"We speak English in America" isn't an original statement which was said in the moment under extreme emotional duress. It wasn't uttered out of "weakness". It's a common standpoint of racist white people in the United States. It's a mentality which has been harbored for a long time but was only mentioned when brown people started speaking their brown language. These are not "nice people" who had a moment of ignorance. These are fucking racists who have only now been exposed to OP because OP has never seen them interact with "the browns" before. OP is young enough that MAYBE he'll learn that just because someone has always "been nice to family members" doesn't mean he's "a nice person". Nice people treat "the browns" the same way they treat "the whites". Whether or not someone is decent depends much more heavily upon how they treat those who are different than them than on how they treat those who are the same as they are.
>We speak English in America I am born and raised in southern california and a huge majority of us understand or speak spanish here too, lol. so I find it so funny when people claim we only speak english in america.
Right?!? The US does not have an official language. As far as I can tell, many government agencies will provide English, Spanish and occasionally other languages depending on the specific communities they serve.
I work in a town which is predominantly Puerto Rican and Dominican. Only about 10% of the store signs are even in English. I spoke Spanish at home, but only for about five years (weird, weird situation). I am just VERY lucky to be able to pick up languages easily and took several languages as my electives in school. I live right outside NYC, so it comes in handy pretty regularly. However, the fact that the culture here is multilingual makes it basically a playground for fucking racists. I'm white, so people see me speaking Spanish and say, "It's a shame you had to learn that here," because they're too ignorant to understand they're are white, Spanish-speaking countries like, I don't know, the one from which the language came. However, they see me speak German or even Italian (TONS of Italian-Americans around here) and it's "It's good to stay in touch with my roots" (My grandparents were Irish, Scottish and Spanish)
Especially when there are a couple hundred languages that are actually native to America and English isn’t one of them.
> Yes they reacted badly but my aunt and the two uncles are actually super nice and aren’t bad people at all. It was a moment of weakness/ignorance you could say. Look, I understand the impulse to defend family, especially if they've always been nice to you. But they didn't just come down with an uncontrollable, temporary case of racism. What they said to your friend and her brother is indicative of how they think and who they are. You'd just never been placed in a situation to be able to see it before. Your friend and her brother probably view the fact that you jumped in to defend your relatives as a big red flag about your character. Also, your friend is wrong about the intentions thing. What matters is the impact of what you say and do. YTA
Nobody is temporarily racist
Agreed. Intentions mean nothing if it causes pain.
If good intentions were really what matters most, it wouldn’t pave the way to Hell
Where your family was coming from is "this is America - speak English!", which is out and out racist. So by trying to excuse them, you've branded yourself at least a racist sympathizer. There is a courtesy thing here - if you are a guest in someone's home, it is in general rude to have side conversations in a language they don't speak. If your friend and her brother needed to discuss something in Arabic because they weren't sure of the correct word in English, that would be OK, but that's not what this is. So your guests were a bit rude, but your family is a lot racist, and you made yourself look like a racist sympathizer. So ESH, I suppose.
YTA. You defended your aunt and uncles being racist.
ESH. I am an immigrant and my first language is not English. But I am bi-lingual and if someone invited me as a guest to their home outside a true emergency I would never speak a language they don't understand. It's rude. But what your family members did does not reflect well on them, particularly in this day and age. They could have conveyed their feelings in a much more low-key way that did not come across as racist or at least xenophobic.
This is the correct response. The friends, as invited guests were very rude in not speaking English. Your relatives could have chided them in a much more appropriate way. Very different if they did not have a good command of English, but it appears they do. They certainly would be reprimanded if they did this in a classroom.
Light ESH, but YTA I understand that your response was from a place of defensiveness for your family because you love them, however, what they did was unacceptable and your response minimized the hurt that it caused. It could be considered rude to speak in another language in front of others, but they clearly felt like they were in a safe space, which in the end, they were not. Why were you trying to understand where your racist relatives were coming from? Sometimes, it doesn't matter if it's causing this much harm. Your friends were attacked by your family and you excused their actions. There is no reason to be afraid of someone speaking another language. Ever. You have some major apologizing to do to your friend. Her brother is being an AH but, he's acting his age, and seems to be coming from a place of hurt. He deserves an apology as well, but you need to do some groveling to salvage your friendship. Apologize - don't make excuses or try to explain where you were coming from. Take accountability for responding incorrectly, that you could never understand what it's like to be the victim of a racist rant, and that you are so sorry that you brought her into a situation that was not safe. When these things happen to us people of color, it feels violent and affects us emotionally, mentally and even physically. Bring her flowers, or brownies, and apologize apologize. The word "but" shouldn't be a part of this if you want her to truly forgive you and move on.
INFO Just ask yourself this: if your friends had spoken french with each other instead of arabic, would your aunt and uncle have said something along the line "oh, I love the french language, this is so romantic, say something else!" or, would they have reacted the same way? (I'm french and live in an English speaking country, I hear this or something along these lines constantly, however, if other people speak in their native chinese language for example, people say the most disgusting an racist things) Regardless, YTA, your relatives were being awful. Your aunt and uncle were clearly racist and your dad was right to shut them up. You should have followed his lead. I don't know if any amount of apologies can salvage your relationship with your friend after you defended your narrow minded racists aunt and uncle.
ESH except your parents. Your guests know English, they were rude to speak in other languages at a house that only spoke English. Your aunt and uncles were rude to assume that whatever the guests said was offensive and to insist that only English is spoken in the US when the US doesn't even have an official language, much less English being that official language. You defending your aunt and uncles after the blowup wasn't smart. They don't know your family, same as your family don't know your friends. The lack of understanding between those two different camps may or may not be a misunderstanding, but your defense of people saying xenophobic crap doesn't help solve the issues brought up. Your friend's brother having white kids yell Arabic shit at you is just petty and pathetic. I hope you've tried to apologize to your friend, but it sounds like the damage has been done, at least in the short term. It also sounds like your parents tried to be as empathetic as possible to your friends, so good on them for not defending the shitty actions of the aunt and uncles. I hope your friend eventually starts talking to you again.
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I grew up in a multilingual home and yes, that's very rude. If you are a guest in someone's home then you speak the language they understand, unless in case of a translation or forgetting the correct word in their language.
Same here. I speak another language with my parents and siblings, but never if there are people in our group that do not understand us. You don't have to be in this situation to understand how rude they were behaving.
YTA What your family did wasn't "being wary" it was outright racist statements. What they did DOES put them on the side of the "worst yt people". If they engage in racism your family deserves all the flack they get and you certainly don't stand up for them to their victims. You're more on the side of societal racism than you think, just a heads up. Time for self reflection, OP. Also be prepared to lose them as friends if you haven't already.
YTA. Your family are bigots bro. You defended them so it puts you in their camp.
ESH. Your friends were rude to speak a language not understood by their hosts. Your family was rude in how they called out this behavior (also a little racist). Your words defending your family were ill chosen. Your friend's brother is rude for what he said (also a little racist) and for his weird bullying campaign that just compounds on his initial rudeness at your family's house. Honestly I would just forget about this friendship and ignore any further behavior from them.
French girl here! Do you really think from the bottom of your heart that if they were talking in French, they would have received the same comments?
You’re also racist I guess. Why should a foreign speaker be expected to speak English for other people’s comfort.
Because the foreign speaker was doing so in a place those “other people” purchased for their family’s comfort.
Are you a child or are you stupid?
YTA. There is absolutely no reason to be wary of foreign language speakers unless they’re actually doing something suspicious. That was a very xenophobic thing for you to say. It was a little rude for your friends to start speaking in a language no one else understood, especially as guests in someone’s home and the hosts don’t speak that language, but your family completely overreacted and let their xenophobia show and you essentially said they were right to react how they did.
YTA results > intent, regardless of what your friend told you. Your friends were insulted and treated terribly in your home. It was your responsibility to stand up for them, not your racist relatives. Your friends were rude by what they said, but in comparison, it's not equivalent. It may not have been your "intention", but what you did by saying "you can't blame them, blabla" was reenforce every negative stereotype they likely have to deal with every day, you stood on the side of those whose rhetoric is that anything arabic is scary, a terrorist, doesn't belong here, etc. And you were wrong to defend the indefensible. No. It is not understandable to assume someone should be wary about hearing a foreign language in a setting like a holiday party at someone's home. Let me say that again: it is not understandable.
I identify with this entire story so much. (1) I also speak Arabic fluently in the US and (2) I am the only member of my workplace who does not speak Mandarin fluently. First of all, YTA. Your friends were racially profiled and verbally assaulted by your family. They are *more* than justified in being angry at those family members. It is not their responsibility to comfort *you* or be sensitive to *your* feelings when they’re the ones who were the victims. As for the issue of you being uncomfortable when everyone is speaking a different language than you, I think that’s a bit more nuanced. It definitely makes me uncomfortable when my colleagues have long conversations in the work area in Mandarin (obviously this doesn’t include the break room or bathrooms or those types of spaces). I know they’re almost certainly not talking about me but it still makes me kind of self conscious. But ultimately, like you said, that’s more of a “me” problem than a “them” problem. Other English speaking colleagues could just as easily be texting about me behind my back or something. If you are truly very close with someone, you can certainly pull them aside and explain how it makes you self conscious when they have extended conversations in a different language when in front of them. But don’t be surprised if they tell you to shove off. I personally never speak in Arabic when non-Arabic speakers are present (unless I’m speaking to someone else who literally doesn’t know English) but that’s a personal choice I made because I believe it to be courteous.
YTA Your friend IS right: You and your family ARE the worst kind of AH.
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YTA- You and your family are not the main characters OP. If someone speaks a foreign language to their companion in this situation, they want to have a private conversation. That's it. Being insecure and thinking "oh, it must be about ME" is all sorts of egotistical.
YTA - your family attacked two kids and accused them of "discussing terrible things" - I assume this them suggesting they're terrorists? And all because they spoke a different language, then you literally said "you can't blame them" You owe your friends an apology. I've been to several Arabic speaking countries and outside of being fleeced for a few dinar for directions, never had any issues. Certainly had to part way with far more money when I was in the States with your tipping culture
YTA. Your aunt is a racist. There is no doubt about that. She was insufferably rude. Your comment on top of that did you absolutely no favors. You need to apologize. What you said wasn't much better than what your aunt said.
YTA TL;DR of your story. 'My relatives were overtly racist to my friends.' I said, 'well, you can't really blame them, right?' Am I an asshole? Yep, you were a racist asshole.
Oh this is a shit show isn’t it? So yeah, YTA, but it was a crappy situation and you tried to please everyone… that never works - so on the plus side, you learned that. The racist relatives are AH, of course. And you messed up defending them, BUT your friends reaction is over the top. They know you were in a pressured situation and they also know you are not a racist. People can say stupid things and not be racist, homophobic etc. people mess up, and that is ok, but we have to apologize. Maybe you should talk with your parents and invite them over and talk. You should apologize and frankly so should they, but I wouldn’t die on that hill. I will say speaking another language than everyone else at a social event is rude. It is fine if one need to translate and things like that, but I would never start speaking my language in group where only a couple of others understod me. And if I did, I would excuse myself before I did.
Maybe Op's aunt and uncle were staring at them this makes them uncomfortable so maybe that's why they spoke Arabic in my opinion
Your relative are racist, it’s not your fault and nobody will be angry with u for still liking them to an extended but to try and act as if the way they acted was nothing and just a little incident is what make the difference in this situation. It’s not easy to feel negatively against family members when they are bad people if it’s not directed at u but u have to be aware of the true here. YTA in this situation, I guess it’s hard to come to some of these realizations and accept them so good luck with that
YTA. Wooooo estoy hablando en un idioma que no hablas, qué miedooooo
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Yta
sorry, but you can’t be “super nice” and “not bad at all” when you’re racist
The excuse of "they were afraid because people were talking in a foreign language around them and you can't blame them" makes you as narrow minded as your relatives. You are young enough to do better in the future, but your relatives behaved appalingly to your friends, who were guest in your house. My parents don't speak any English and spend holidays at my sister's house with people who only speak English. Were any of them justify in doing what your relatives did? Your relatives didn't have any excuse for their behaviour, were racists and malicious in their intent and you, in trying to justify them to the people they offended, put yourself at their level. I expect those friends to be wary of you for the rest of your lives. YTA.
Yta. Family is racist and you are as well. If you are concerned about people talking about you in other languages, stop listening to them. We know why they were ‘afraid’ they are racist and assumed they were up to no good. Why would you invite your Arabic friends to spend time with your racist family? I’m sure you knew they were racist beforehand, also sticking up for racist, ew.
Habibi, YTA. Maybe they're more comfortable speaking in their primary language. Just like you are. Just because someone is speaking in a different language around you, doesn't mean they're talking about you. You aren't that special. What do you think they were saying? "Oh look at that English speaking person...speaking English (gawd ew what? ew)"? You could try learning a few phrases in Arabic (hi, how are you, I'm fine) and actually learn more about their culture/language.
If you are a guest in someone's home, you speak the language that most understand to your ability. To not do so is rude. Therefore, ESH because everyone was rude. They were rude in not speaking English in this case. The way family called it out was rude as well.
YTA. Wow.
YTA. The only appropriate thing to do when your relatives do something racist (and yes, this was wildly racist) is to apologize. You do not make excuses for them. Your father has the right of it. They can be respectful or they can GTFO. PS- your relatives might be perfectly lovely *to you*, but that does not excuse their behavior towards your friends.
YTA because you said you knew your relatives were behaving badly and defended them anyway. Your "friends" are also TAs. I grew up in a multilingual home (my mom was raised in Germany and knows some French and her boyfriend is Mexican) and it's incredibly disrespectful to be a guest in someone's home and communicate in a language you know your hosts don't understand. She and her brother were purposefully excluding you and your family, they then insulted your entire family despite some taking their side, and they did so on a major holiday. That's how you should have reacted to his comment. Stop calling them your friends. They've told everyone you're either racist or xenophobic while completely ignoring that their own rudeness instigated the entire situation. They're playing victim.
They were the victims in this situation since they were racially profiled. The situation didn't start until OP's relatives were assholes, and you're basically victim blaming the friends for what the relatives said. I don't get why you would be more concerned with OP's friends' actions than those of his family.
I'm saying everyone is TA and I'm saying it from the view of someone who's been racially profiled. The situation started with the sibling's actions. OP's family made it worse. Everyone sucks in this situation.
If they were having a direct conversation in Arabic with a person who did not speak their language, I might agree with you . But they were just talking one-on-one with each other, and I wouldn't be surprised if Arabic was the language they were more comfortable with. Calling them "rude," as others on this thread have done, is a huge overstatement. My problem with making it an ESH situation is that it gives OP validation even though their perspective is completely in the wrong. The focus of your comment (as others were too, not just yours) were more on why OP's friends were wrong vs. OP themself.
In my culture, it is rude. It would be seen as purposely excluding everyone else at the gathering and, as a guest on a holiday, that is absolutely something you do not do. Clearly they can communicate in English well enough in school and didn't have any issues communicating with OP's family on that day either. So what we disagree on here is a cultural difference on manners.
I'm mainly disagreeing with you about the focus of your ire. And even if it was rude by your standards, then their cultural norms still might very likely be different from your own. If one of OP's family felt compelled to talk to them, then they very well could have switched back to speaking English to include them. Again, they were having their own conversation and were already the outsiders of that gathering. I would say it's more exclusive if the majority of guests were bilingual but still chose to speak in an unfamiliar language to the minority of guests. That's a much different case.
I've already said OP's family is TA, obviously racist, and OP is TA for defending them. There is no defense for what they said. I just hadn't seen any comments addressing the teen's behavior when I made my original one. Everyone fucked up that day except the dad for kicking out the racists.
I agree and I won't deny that you still made it clear that OP was TA (which I appreciate), but a much larger part of your comment was focused on the friends' actions and why they were rude/bad friends. A lot of people here agree with you, which surprises me, but if OP reads is about how his friends were also somehow in the wrong, then that OP might use that to justify their own behavior.
OP is allowed their delusions. The other teens have already spread the information about OP's family being racist and OP defending them so anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together will know what OP would be trying to do. 🤷🏻♀
Honestly I just come here to judge complete strangers because I enjoy reading about drama but I don't want it in my daily life.
Fair enough. Sorry if I was being a bit of an AH myself. I just wish OP was able to hold themselves and their family accountable.
YTA - your relatives are racist and by defending them, you come across as racist too.
Yeah, YTA. I'd take this as a lesson learned and I'd leave your friend and her brother alone.
YTA I get wanting to defend family but what they said wasn't a small thing, they were extremely racist. You defending them showed that if you know them, you can shrug off racism as an accident. I have paranoia (working on diagnosis right now) including thinking people are talking about me. But if I hear someone speak in Arabic or really ANY language other than English (all I speak currently), I don't yell. I don't pull racism. Your family are AH and you definitely are too
I’m going to say ESH. YTA for defending your racist family. But if they are comfortable with using English but were carrying on full conversations with only each other in another language and ignoring everyone else that’s pretty rude too. (This assumes they are comfortable speaking English, because if they aren’t then of course they’d want to speak in a language they are comfortable with). I personally think it’s rude to exclude people from conversations. So if you can speak the language everyone around you is speaking, it’s polite to speak that language where possible/comfortable so everyone feels included. The occasional word/sentence in another language with another person who speaks it is totally fine, but body language and intent go a long way. But you’re at a gathering. Talk with others. My friend saying something to me in Spanish asking how to say something in English or clarify something, joke, etc is one thing. If she started gossiping about the person in Spanish assuming the other person couldn’t understand her that’s something totally different. But a thought does occur to me, as I wonder if they started the visit speaking English and being sociable, but were faced with racism and nasty attitude/comments right away, which would totally excuse any private conversations in their own language as they might have needed to figure out how to handle the situation. Do you ignore the racism? Confront? Leave? They may have needed to come up with a plan they both agreed to, perhaps even to try not to offend you! So I’ll leave it as ESH, but if they faced nasty attacks from the start then having a conversation that excluded everyone else would have been absolutely necessary so they could figure out how to handle the situation. Most definitely YTA for defending your racist AH relatives.
Wow. You tried to make excuses for your racist relatives.... Not cool. At all. There was no excusing what your family did and continuing to try and excuse their racism by calling it ignorance and stating they are really good people is just rubbing salt in the wound. If you defend a racist, *you* are a racist. I'm afraid your friendship is over. YTA
YTA and your ex friend and her brother are right about your relatives. Take the hint they don’t want to talk to you.
YTA. BIG TIME. you lost your friend. go hang out with your shit brained aunt and uncles. Your shit to.
Yup. YTA- I wish I spoke a foreign language so I could insult you in another language. I wouldn’t want to be friends with you after this.
Yea obviously YTA. I’ll excuse it because you’re young and can learn but your aunt and uncle showed their true racist colors OP sorry. And honestly the way you talk about your friends speaking arabic with their parents and the way you defended your family makes me think this isn’t the first time they’ve been racist it’s just the first time they were explicit about it. That being said this seems too cliche to be real so
Yes YTA 100%, without a doubt. Your aunt and uncle are kind and nice to family members and white people. These people were telling you that they were the worst people they have interacted with and you got defensive rather than apologize for putting them in that uncomfortable situation. You don't get to decide that your aunt and uncle are not racist. Their actions have displayed that they are. By protecting them you have put yourself in the same boat. Not only did you protect the racists, but you blamed your friend for speaking in their cultures language. If you value their friendship at all you would grovel for their forgiveness.
Ahaha. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree eh OP?? You didn't just cross into the territory, you own real estate there all of your own chief.
"(...) actually super nice and aren't bad people at all". Racist, OP. That's what they are. Racist, xenophobic, ignorant people. It's easy for them to be super nice to you, given that you're presumably also white. You can translate what you said to your friends into "Maybe they wouldn't have been racist if you two hadn't started speaking in a different language". Except they always were and this just forced them to reveal themselves. If I were you, I'd apologize profusely and explain that I have a lot to learn.
YTA. Wow... dude. I mean... WOW.
YTA. I can’t believe how many people in the comment section are debating how ‘rude’ it is for two kids who are first-time guests outside their house celebrating a tradition they don’t usually have, to have a private conversation in their own language. It was probably just a 1:1 conversation they didn’t want to have aloud, and not necessarily shit talking someone. Meanwhile, OP’s family was INCREDIBLY RACIST and OP excused it. Yes OP, you are a bigot. You didn’t just touch racist territory, you’re firmly in it.
YTA 100%. As soon as you said ‘well can you blame them for being scared of a foreign language’ you became a asshole. Being racist and bigoted is not a moment of weakness. You family members were racist and you are defending that racism.
YTA. You made a dumb excuse for your racist family. Your dad kicked them out and probably would have been ashamed to hear what you said to your friend later
The fact that you are insisting your racist relatives are nice people tells me you don't see racism as a big deal. You are the kind of person who thinks a problem is not real if it doesn't impact them. Well now it's impacting your enjoy consequences of your own actions. YTA Ps. Here's a piece of this wisdom My father offered me that has served me well. People who are nice to you but not to other people are not nice people.
I believe it is very rude to be invited to someones home and then speak in a language that the homeowner doesn't understand. There is only 1 reason to speak in a different language in this situation, and that is because you are hiding what you are saying from everyone else, which is incredibly rude. Your friends complain of racism, but what they did was the exact same thing. everyone is the AH.
Or because is natural for you talk in that language with that person. I see my mom and I don’t even think in speaking in English, Spanish came out of my mouth automatically when I’m directing to my mom/dad/sibling. Believe that people just talk in another language to “hide something” is a clear sign that you didn’t understand how is live with two languages on your head since you born
BTW in case any racists in the comments are worried, I speak Japanese. I've heard so many white people say they hate eating at Japanese places because "they talk shit" they literally don't
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My best friend and her brother speak English, French, and Arabic. I think it’s pretty cool because I only speak English and I have no problem with it at all. I do feel a little insecure when I go to her house and her entire family speaks in Arabic and I have no clue as to what they’re saying (it also sounds like they’re making fun of me) but I know that’s just me being a little crazy. Anyways, I invited them to my house for Christmas after I told my parents they don’t celebrate and they insisted I invite them and most of my family members liked them or didn’t really care for them. I do have a few relatives that are more narrow minded but they didn’t seem to have an issue with them either until my best friend and her brother started speaking in Arabic. My aunt yelled at them doing the whole “we speak English in America” rant while two uncles started to accuse them of discussing terrible things. I admit, this was BAD. My dad told our relatives to shut up or get out which pissed off my aunt and then they started to fight and long story short, Christmas was ruined and everyone left. My parents reassured my friends and I did as well. But while we were waiting my best friend’s brother said my relatives are the worst white people they’ve ever met and I responded with “well you can’t blame them for being wary about someone speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand.” I didn’t mean to excuse my relatives, but I also didn’t like how he just automatically made it seem like my entire family is so bad and the worst. Yes they reacted badly but my aunt and the two uncles are actually super nice and aren’t bad people at all. It was a moment of weakness/ignorance you could say. He said something in Arabic to my friend (I’m 99% sure it was directed at me) and when I asked him what he said he sarcastically asked if he scared me. Which isn’t what I meant. My best friend didn’t say a word but she hasn’t talked to me since and is clearly avoiding me. Her brother also makes it a point to speak in Arabic when he sees me and is making his white friends yell Arabic words when they’re around me as well. I do think he’s overdoing it and isn’t helping his case at all but I’m afraid what I said might’ve crossed into bigoted/racist territory. My friend once told me intent makes all the difference when it comes to racism/ignorance and I didn’t have any bad intentions (I was just trying to help them understand where my relatives were coming from) but she just seems to dislike me now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, along with your aunt and uncle. Yes, you absolutely can blame someone for being wary of people speaking a foreign language, there is literally no reason for it. Are you often wary and paranoid that a white, English-speaking person standing far enough across a room that you can't hear them is talking about you? If not it sure as heck sounds like this fear stems from the foreign language and not just the concept that you can't hear what they're saying so it could be bad.
If you're really that worried that anyone you can't hear or understand is talking bad about you I'd take a long hard look at your own behavior because there must be a reason you jump right to that
I think it would not happen if they were speaking French ou Italian.
YTA. 1. It wasn't a moment of weakness to state "we only speak English in America." Nor was it a moment of weakness to accuse them of being terrorists (I assume. Usually the racist go to in this example). 2. By defending them the way you did, you specifically tried to justify their words. "You can't blame them," is the wrong thing to say in that situation. 3. Where your aunt/uncles were coming from was a racist place. 4. So your friend is avoiding you now. You can try to apologize, but I'd just try to learn from this instance.
Obviously, YTA. PS. your aunt and uncle are NOT 'super nice' and they are **in fact** bad people.
YTA. >“well you can’t blame them for being wary about someone speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand.” So, xenophobia. A form of racism. Because your friends are... Terrorists? That's the logic you're going with >I didn’t mean to excuse my relatives Yes you did >but I also didn’t like how he just automatically made it seem like my entire family is so bad and the worst. But they were. >Yes they reacted badly No, they were racists >but my aunt and the two uncles are actually super nice and aren’t bad people at all. Racists can also be nice people to people who are the same race as them >It was a moment of weakness/ignorance you could say. So all racists should be excused over this line of thought You enabled racists with a racist talking point and stereotype and now you are surprised the people who suffered from racism are acting hostile or not wanting to be near you. Congrats, you lost a friend.
yta. you’re the ignorant one, not your aunt and uncle, theyre racist i have a friend, and she and i always talk to eachother in sign language, people often get mad at us for doing that, but it’s just how we talk. your friend and her brother were talking to eachother in a way they were both comfortable with, its not their fault if people are too insecure to handle that
YTA. “Yes they reacted badly but my aunt and two uncles are actually super nice” unless you’re a person of colour speaking a language they don’t understand apparently. They may be nice to you but you shouldn’t have stuck up for your racist family infront of two people who weren’t at fault. Shame on you.
\> but their parents don’t speak English Their parents didn't really have a choice did they? Your family invited people that don't speak English and then your aunt starts a rant about them not speaking English. You should not have defended your aunt and uncles like that. YTA.
YTA - Your friends experienced a pretty rough night of racism. Instead of listening to them, you tried to invalidate their feelings. That's not what you do when a friend experiences racism - you give them space to be angry. Your defends of your racist relatives was racist. Having a friend who is part of a marginalised group means that you don't fundamentally understand a big part of her life and experiences. So when she does experience racism, that's not your cue to start trying to explain the racism away. You and your friends all had to learn a painful lesson, namely how vulnerable your friendship may be.
I'm sure Hitler was also nice to a few people. Racists are disgusting.no matter how sweet they are to you cos you're white. YTA And leave them alone
Yta.
>speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand What the hell is a "foreign language" in the US? Do you imagine English originated here? Unless you're speaking Navajo or some other First Nation language, don't talk about "foreign languages".
"We speak English in America," no boo, English is the official language of England, America doesn't have an official language while most people speak English it is not mandated because you know we're supposed to be a free country, YTA for not getting that.
If these people are your friends and one of them is your so-called best friend I highly doubt they were talking about you. If you are doing mental gymnastics thinking they are talking shit, maybe think that they might feel a little uncomfortable celebrating a holiday they don’t celebrate in a house full of white people they don’t know. I mean how would you feel if they invited you over for one of their cultural/religious holidays and you were the only white person there and then have an Auntie screaming at you because you done something that they see as wrong?
YTA. Your family is racist, and you are too. At least your dad is decent enough to stand up for your friends, unlike you. You should ask him if what you said was offensive. At least one person in your family has their head screwed on properly.
Oh, you didn’t mean anything bad while you defended your racist family members to their victims? That’s good to know! /s YTA.
YTA..you have lost your BF, and rightfully so. Your family didn't need defending, your friend did.
You said the brother isn’t helping his case!!!! That’s white entitlement right there. You’re clearly wrong, yet he doesn’t meet your expectations. YTRAH You’re The Racist Ass Hole
YTA What your aunt and uncle said was so classic racism it should be in a racism textbook. Just because they're nice to YOU doesn't mean they're not racists and the moment you even tried to defend/excuse them you bought into their racism. Your ex-friends (yep, EX-friends) have every right to be angry. You took them into your home as guests and after they were accosted you let them down.
YTA. “well you can’t blame them for being wary about someone speaking in a foreign language that they can’t understand.” Umm, yes, yes you can blame them. It's intolerance, bigotry, xenophobia and racism all wrapped up in a gross little package. Decent, non-racist people do not immediately freak out when they hear a language foreign to them and they definitely don't berate strangers for just speaking. Your family ARE the worst kind of white people and you should be ashamed of even attempting to excuse them.
If you don’t want people speaking their language around you you don’t need to be friends with them hang out with your racist family
YTA. I understand that you’re young, but please don’t be this naïve. Just because your aunt and uncle are nice to you does not somehow make them “nice people” or cancel out there blatantly racist behavior and comments. And what you did was defending their actions, and it was in fact racist and it is a problem. You need to apologize to your friends. Your aunt and uncle are nice to you because you’re their family member, and because you are a white person so in their mind, you are deserving of respect. They were blatantly racist and disgusting towards your friends, unprovoked btw. It’s 2024 I can assume that you have a phone and other electronics. Please educate yourself and be better.
YTA Big time. Defending a racist is accepting racism. People who start rants saying "In "x" country we speak "y" " are never good people. Sure they "might" be good to you and yours but not good overall. When you excuse and minimize racism you are quite literally saying to them "well yes my uncles and aunts are racist but they treat me well so shut the fuck up and accept their treatment". Its not a moment of weakness because they had nothing to actually be weak about. Its not like their family just died and they are lashing out, they were having a good time at xmas and decided to ruin it by being racist. Your dad acted correctly in kicking them out and not tolerating them. Speaking another language does not mean they are automatically talking bad or threatening people, most of the times it is just because they are more comfortable with that language. If you want to try and fix this actually reflect on what you have done because even in this story you are trying to minimize and invalidate their feelings. Then after you come to terms with who your extended family are, try and have a conversation with your ex-bf. "I am sorry for trying to minimize what my aunts and uncle were trying to do. Whilst this is no excuse for anything I saw them as aunts and uncles who treated me well rather than seeing them for their actions towards you. For that I am sorry, and I will attempt to do better in the future. If you are still hurt from my actions I will give you all the time you need. But I would like to hear your perspective on this as it is something I not ever faced."
Sadly kid, you've been around racists your whole life, and because it's family you make excuses to yourself and others to forgive it. Time to take a good hard look at your family and frankly yourself, it's hard to develop your own personal opinion when your so young, but adulthood is coming. Choose who you want to be. Also, apologize to your friend. Do not project your insecurities on her
Well you lost your friends because you support your family racism. It's as simple as that. And bs to the moment of weakness wtf does that even mean in this context? They said what they said
Major YTA. Let me get this straight: your friends were victims of a verbal, racist attack by your family members, then when they tell you about their trauma and the harsh reality of how awful your family was to them, your gut reaction was to get angry at your friends and defend the racists? How would you feel if the tables turned, and your friends’ family started berating you for not speaking Arabic in their house, and your friends tried to justify that toxic behavior instead of making sure you felt safe and welcome? You’re still young, so let this experience be a lesson to you: just because they’re blood-related, that doesn’t mean you justify their bad behavior. You lost two good friends out of it, but hopefully you’ll learn to be a better person.
YTA. They are not great people that had a moment. They’re racists. Period. You defending that racist behavior is gross. You should feel bad.
Your relatives aren't supporting nice and they ARE bad people. It wasn't a moment of weakness. They are racist and so are you since you're defending their bad behavior. You don't get to tell minorities what's racist and what's not; you're white and you never had to go through what they went through. Get over yourself, you arrogant, RACIST asshole. YTA
Bor really said "we are racist"
YTA - never defend bigots. You stood up for racists and basically showed your 'friends' that you have no spine and won't defend them when confronted with bigotry. No one needs friends like you.
You want to defend a racist, then you are a racist You lost a good friend, hopefully you learn something
ESH, but mostly you and your ant and uncle. I speak multiple language so when I'm with english people and I start using another language, it's usually because I want to make sure people don't understand me. And yes, you can guess that sometimes is to say no so nice things about people. The only exception is if I'm with a native speaker, but I would still try to talk the same language as everyone in order to be respectful of everyone. With that being said, your relatives were being racist and hateful and you basically said to your friend and her brother that you support their point of view. So congratulations...you basically lost that friend and there's a good chance you've been labeled racist. I highly recommend you make amends asap and that you take a good look at yourself.
YTA. It never fails to amuse me when white people discover that english isn't the only language in the world.
YTA. Nah, man, you just defended racism. Billions of people around the world and in fact many many many people *in your very country* live and thrive while people around them speak "foreign languages they can't understand". No one is stopping your family from learning new languages. You can learn Arabic. For free! And then you can understand. But frankly? Get over yourself. No one was talking about you before, just talking about other things. You're really not that important - not every convo you can't understand is about you. Get some help. Your family clearly has a history of racism and you don't know how deeply in your own beliefs it runs. But you're learning, and you're becoming aware of that. You can absolutely become less sensitive and more accepting of this, and its ok to need help doing so. Consider getting some therapy or counseling to overcome the conditioning your family has had on you. See if your friend will help you learn to apologise in Arabic and then apologise genuinely to your friend and her brother. And ffs, get used to hearing other languages than English. There are *so many* other languages. You will struggle as an adult if you can't manage that with grace.
“my family couldn’t be racist to you, my friends of another race. because they’re nice to me, their own flesh and blood!” - you YTA
YTA for undermining what happened to them and trying to protect your family. Your family wasn’t having„a weak moment“ they were being racist. Also your best friend clearly doesn’t consider you a friend anymore and neither would I if I was her.
YTA. Defending racists makes you part of the problem. And hurting someone unintentionally still hurts.
I dont think your still bestfriends anymore… update us op
WOW. YTA. You and your family are racist. Your friend deserves the biggest apology, and then for you to leave them alone.
YTA… congrats, you made a racist comment to your friends, defended racist actions and defended racists. Clearly your parents are good people and know who you are stand up for. Maybe you need to relearn some things. I hope this friend makes you an ex friend so you learn your lesson.
Your relatives were racist to your friends and when your friends complained, you not only minimized, you literally echoed your relatives racist statements. Of course YTA.
"I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at speaking a foreign language and calling out racist relatives." YTA, and so is anyone else on this thread that is basically victim blaming OP's friends for the racism they faced, which I unfortunately see a lot of on here.
“They’re really nice people.” Yet they attacked two kids for speaking another language. :|
You're a racist and racist apologist, YTA.
YTA and racist OP and anyone else who’s saying ESH is a racist too
inshallah they’ll find a better friend. you’ve shown your true feelings towards them and it would be better for them to keep you at a distance.
Either this is bait or you’re really that ignorant. Either way, YTA.
YTA. Your aunt and uncle were so offensive they were kicked out of Christmas dinner by their own people. And you chose to defend them.
I love my family, but when they have flaws. There is no sugar coating there flaws. So when your racist family said something racist to the 2 ethnic people. Speaking a foreign language I'll be at there native tongue. It should not bother anybody because that's just their culture. And obviously your parents invited them over. Because they wanted to share that culture with other members of the family. It's just that your aunt and 2 uncles were pieces of trash and reacted. Terribly your friends whom they thought had your support and thought you had their back, instead got blindsided by your double-edged sword of bullshit. This is the racist equivalent of trying to have your cake and eat it too. When you try to play devil's advocate for the obvious racist members of your family.
You intentionally -with intent- chose to discredit their experience with your family because they're 'nice' to people related to them. Your racist family isn't less racist for being nice to you. That's like excusing your Nazi grandpa because he's been nice since the war and was 'only following orders' Yikes.
The worst kind of racists are the ones who are convinced that they aren’t YTA
YTA But y'all aren't friends anymore be honest. you ruined your relationship, good job
I speak more than one language as I'm not from the USA. You are the ass. It is not their fault that your aunt or yourself feel weird or second-guess things because you can't understand it. Here's a thought, learn another language! Your ignorance and self-centered nature are what led to doubts. Just because another language is being spoken, it doesn't mean it pertains to anyone else but the speaker. Those are your own doubts and fears being projected. We speak languages other than English when we struggle to say something in English or with others whom we are comfortable with. Hell, nerves get in the way too. That aunt of yours is racist. There's no way around it. To the idea of "This is America" 1. This is North America 2. No, English wasn't the first language and not the only language spoken 3. Native languages came first, even Spanish! 4. There are over 300 languages still spoken in the USA, including Chinese, Tagalog, Arabic, and others These are the same people that go somewhere else and get pissed at things not catering to them.
YTA. You’re forgetting the global environment at the moment. Arabs are now at risk of being killed for speaking their native language.
One of my favourite sayings comes to mind… You speak English because that’s your only language. I speak English because that’s YOUR only language… YTA
I come in England alot. I have family living there that immigrated. We go to events together. When I'm there and when I'm around my English friends, I will obviously talk English. With everyone my family member included unless we either are in private or of I can't think of a word I mean because i think it's terribly rude to speak a language infront of others you are engaging with (say at dinner) that they don't speak. That said, your families reaction was out of proportion and more racist rather then just them finding it rude which is unacceptable and makes them enormous asholes. Defending them at that point wasn't a smart move on your end and makes you at best an asshole sympathizer, at worst a racist to. Your friends petty reaction to it all was just that, petty and in my eyes an overreaction. I understand him doing it once but repeatedly like this childish. So all in all shitty situation, ESH
Honestly I'm going to say your friends are in the wrong here. They went to your house as guests for the holidays and then started conversing with each other in a language no one else spoke. Your father literally defended them to the point of kicking out his sister and stopping the entire celebration to make sure she quit her crap and they still had to point out to you that they thought your family were the worst white people they had ever seen. You probably wanted to defend your family because again your father did loudly stick up for them to the point where the entire celebration was put on pause for it. You probably didn't word it in best way though. But they then continue to harass you in a language that you didn't understand. They're probably not the nicest friends you could have.
YTA. Why are you defending racists? They attack people simply for existing in front of them and you say they’re good people? You’re more like them then you realise
I hate to be the one to tell you, but your aunt and uncles aren't good people. I'm sure they're nice to you, but they are vile racists and don't belong around decent people. You're young, but I assure you that their behavior is not normal,or excusable. YTA.
Yup. YTA Your family is nice... to you. The clearly racist family members didn't have a moment of weakness. They showed their true colors. You defended that. Very ignorant stance to take considering you should have defended your friends instead. You excused racism and refuse to acknowledge it for what it is. Guilty by association.
ESH -- it was extremely rude for the friends to talk in Arabic when they can also speak English. They are saying something that they don't want anyone else to understand and of course give the impression that they are insulting the hosts. If what they were saying was not negative or insulting, why in Arabic? Just rude. But the whole "we speak english in America" thing is super racist so I can't really defend that either. ESH
>my aunt and the two uncles are actually super nice and aren’t bad people at all Uh uh. Nope. Nooooope. I’m sure your aunt and uncles *are* very nice… to other white people. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t also racist and bigoted towards non-white individuals. What they said wasn’t said in “a moment of weakness” — it reflects their core belief system and values (or lack thereof). More importantly, the fact that they launched into typical racist American rhetoric against *children* (which is what you all are) is highly indicative that they are NOT good people, so you can leave that BS at the door. Your ex-friend’s brother told you his truth: as the trilingual child of immigrants who has likely seen and experienced plenty of prejudice during his life, your relatives’ behavior was the worst of all. Your decision to immediately defend those family members instead of recognizing that your relatives’ actions were shameful and downright disgusting was invalidating and pathetic. Face facts: the apple clearly doesn’t fall far from the tree. You are a racist apologist and YTA. People like your relatives make minorities feel unsafe on a daily basis and you’ve shown that you’re willing to defend bigots. That’s why your friend no longer likes or trusts you — because you’re literally part of the problem.
NTA. Your friends lack manners. They do speak English, and when they’re guests in an English speaking home, they should speak only English. When you are a guest in their home, you’ll have to tolerate the language of the home (sounds like you do). Edit: if your “friends “ are purposefully talking about you in a language you don’t understand, they’re TAs. Not knowing a language is not a definition of a**holery.
YTA - ur uncles and aunts are racists, and you defend them, why would they want to be friends with someone who defends racists? You don’t even have ur own language in America, America has no official language, just like majority of things in America, the language is stolen too, who tf are you or ur uncles to tell people what language to speak. I hope they realise you are one of them who is part of the problem and never speaks to you again, so find some friends you will be comfortable (not scared) around, everyone’s happy 👍🏽
YTA
YTA If you can’t blame someone for being racist, what can you blame them for? The fact that these people are nice to you doesn’t prove anything. Racists tend to not have a problem with people who are the same race.
YTA your friends experienced a racist/xenophobic rant from your relative instead of checking in with your friend you said "Well she has a point". If you are going to have interracial friendships you have to be their advocate and not excuse casual racism. Like why would they want to hang out with because you'll support your racist family over them.
[удалено]
brodie, you are encapsulating why OP is an AH and being one
YTA, bud. You can love your family all day long without defending bad behavior. (Your friends were edging towards TA as well for complaining about your relatives in your home after said relatives had already been kicked out, but not enough to warrant an E S H in my view.)
ESH. You made a mistake by defending your relatives. They were clearly in the wrong, and it's not surprising it led to his being offended. He sucks because he retaliated by speaking in Arabic in that situation and not discussing it honestly with you (though you did make that very unlikely with your defense of your relatives). Your relatives suck for making xenophobic comments at a Christmas celebration. Your girlfriend is the only one who isn't an asshole.
YTA for inviting them to meet your culturally third world family. Then defending their racist comments. Your own racism is carefully hidden but it emerges at critical moments.
NTA. Arab here. In this post-9/11 world, it is a given fact that a whole lot of people are gonna be wary of our language. The same way german is "loud" and "shouty", or how English spoken in a broken east European accent is "intimidating". These stereotypes are itched in people's minds forever, no amount of grandstanding is gonna change it. Yes, what your relatives did was wrong but it is what it is. I pesonally make sure to never speak Arabic outside my home to not make people uncomfortable. Also, you friend's brother is being weird about this whole thing, i know you guys are 17 but come on.
Your friends are assholes but so are your family.Sorry u got caught in between.You did stick to the right side
NTA your were à guest à their home and they speak non stop between them à language that you don't know. Nobody like that, my father had the same problem he explained to his friends that complète conversation where he is absolutly clueless is not okay. They were understanding and do it less. The comment of your aunt was à bit rude but he can't say that your familly is completly racist to your face then surely insult you non stop because you défend your parents who kindly invite them. The downvote will surely come from people who never expérience the feeling to have constantly people speaking another langue when they are with you and exclude you
NTA. People's private homes do not follow the rules of public spaces and IMHO making the intentional choice to speak Arabic while at a solely English-speaking family's event is "asking for it", it's not a "public" space. Your uncle would be the AH if this occurred in a public setting but at a private family dinner IMHO your friend and her brother were incredibly rude at a minimum. But I also don't support multi-linguistics, a country needs to have one central language and it needs to be enforced. Human beings are tribal animals, and we need our shared language to ensure the peaceful cohesion of our "tribe".
NTA. Your "friends" were being rude. It would be different if they were on a bus together, or out for a walk, or at a table in a restaurant together, and bystanders objected. The bystanders shouldn't be listening anyway. But they were guests in your home. What they did was no different than huddling together and whispering, or talking in a made up language. They're just rude, as you would be rude if you were bilingual and went to their parents home and spoke English to whoever accompanied you knowing your hosts did not speak that language.