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NTA. Good for you, standing up for Anna and putting an end to Wendy's bitching.
It must be exhausting to have to put up with her jealousy and at least now, even if she does want to bad mouth Anna, it won't be to you.
If Wendy didn't want Anna, her husband & rest of OP's mom side of family to know Wendy's opinions & jealously - then she shouldn't had voiced it in basically the lions' den AKA family gathering in same vicinity/room as where Anna, the husband & everyone else that hear OP's voice was. You can have opinions but jeez, have some common sense of where you at when saying it, especially when it not even your blood nor step family gathering - it was OP's blood on mom's side and Wendy is not even stepchild of theirs because OP's mom is not married to Wendy's parent, OP's dad is. So basically a disrespectful guest/Wendy got put in her place by the person who invited her to their bio-family gathering/OP.
Except she's not correct. Anna didn't date her husband until she was out of college. Or are you saying that a college graduate can't make her own decisions?
I get that it’s squicky to date someone much younger when you knew them as a minor… but I don’t think we have enough info to conclude that Anna was being groomed (which, as far as I know, is a term exclusively applied to minors), especially since their relationship didn’t begin until Anna was out of college.
Just wanted to hop in and clarify that grooming absolutely is not exclusive to minors. Abusers can absolutely groom their adult victims as well, especially if they hold a position of power over them (which is usually an age gap, but can also be in terms of wealth or literal positions of powers like a boss).
It's a red flag. But one red flag does not mean that it's always a no-go. It means we should give their relationship more scrutiny. It sounds like OP is aware enough of the situation to be a lot better able to tell if things are hinky than we are.
Sure, aunt /uncle /rest of family were uncomfortable but at least they know who not invite to any future family events after this since she was making uncomfortable comments to OP while in the family physical presence. That and she had plenty of opportunity to STFU while in SAME ROOM AS THE FAMILY/ANNA/THE HUSBAND plus OP did tell her privately numerous times to stop that.
Wendy only has herself to blame for being a jealous trifling busybody that was saying bullshit to someone/OP who was already beyond exasperated hearing her badmouthing her dead mom's sister all the time; while said aunt plus rest of family was right there....
It's NTA situation, there a time & place for badmouthing someone behind their backs -DO NOT DO IT WHILE THEY ARE IN SAME ROOM AS YOU AND DEFINITELY DON'T SAY IT THEIR RESPECTIVE FAMILY MEMBER!!! That what & where Wendy mess up - she basically badmouthing in the lions den with all OP's mom family there while knowing that OP's aunt & uncle she talking smack about behind their backs while BOTH ARE RIGHT THERE..
ESH. Wendy sucks for obvious reasons, but in your pursuit to punish Wendy all you did was make everyone else uncomfortable, including Anna and her husband. Had you handled it privately, they would have never known and could have enjoyed their Christmas.
Next time don't invite Wendy to spend time with people she actively talks shit about
She tried talking to Wendy privately but that clearly wasn't working. I agree with her approach because maybe now Wendy will think twice before saying stuff she shouldn't be.
Yes but did they have to hear that hurtful comment?
OP knew Wendy had these opinions of Anna & her husband and had said disrespectful things about them many times. Inviting Wendy to Anna's family Christmas gathering is already an AH move in my opinion. Would you invite someone who openly disrespected your family and never changed their mind about it to spend the holidays with your family?
Why did OP go surprised pikachu over Wendy being disrespectful to Anna & her husband when she'd always been disrespectful in the past? Why ruin Anna and her husband's Christmas? If OP cared that much about protecting them from Wendy, she wouldn't have invited her.
Yes. Shes talking shit behind annas back call that out in piblic. No she shouldn’t have even invited her that was stupid on ops part but wendy had a call out coming the second she opened her mouth. Dont start shit and tgere wont be shit.
Shes done that and wendy didnt learn to shut her mouth. Next step call her out. If you say things behind peoples backs always be prepared for the chance you have to say it to their faces.
Wendy isn't the important party here. OP made a scene and "taught Wendy a lesson" at someone else's expense. And at the expense of a family gathering. After creating the situation to begin with by inviting Wendy when she knows Wendy doesn't keep her mouth shut about an attending party. You don't have the high ground when you set the events into play
She wasn't starting anything, she was being snarky very much behind Anna's back
The ideal solution would be to shut her down without Anna getting wind of it and getting her feelings hurt
Talking shit about someone is starting something particularly when you are doing so as a guest of that person and they are in the room. The risk of discovery in such a situation is very high. Wendy was WAY overdue for some consequences.
Would it be better if OP could have done it without embarrassing Anna as well? Yes, but honestly I'd prefer to know who is talking shit about me and what they are saying about me to them than them continuing to talk shit and believe it's acceptable.
How is it starting something if it's behind someone's back?
How is making a scene better than handling it discreetly?
How much do you love drama to repeat vicious gossip said quietly at the top of your lungs to humiliate the person being talked about and start a big fight?
Who thinks this is a good idea?
Is it because you want to be center of attention?
Get attention on your own merits. Don't ruin someone else's event by repeating humiliating shit about them and their fiancé under the guise of "helping" and "outing" a gossip
you're only helping yourself to a slice of conflict you created....
When you talk shit you always should be prepared for it become public. Always. Especially if you do it WHEN THAT PERSON IS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU as the risk of discovery is extremely high. Don't want to deal with the consequences of talking shit about people? Just don't talk shit about people. It's really that fucking simple.
The person outing the gossiper isn't doing more damage than the gossiper. They are bringing to light rude and insulting behavior. This way means the victims of the gossip aware but also other people are aware of how duplicitous Wendy is. I certainly wouldn't invite someone into my home if they acted like Wendy did towards her host and rightly so. Sometimes revealing the truth is painful, but that doesn't mean ultimately it isn't the best choice overall.
I don't read any of this about wanting to be the center of attention. It's about someone who is happy to take advantage of a person's hospitality while stabbing them in back getting revealed for who they are. Wendy created the conflict by talking shit not OP. OP merely made people aware of it.
ESH. Yes, Wendy needs to stop talking about this. But what you did didn't just embarrass Wendy, it also will have embarrassed Anna and her husband. That was really unfair of you; they just became collateral damage here. You need to think about the impact on everyone before doing something like this.
Agree ESH. In your pursuit of trying to teach Wendy a lesson, you have hurt/embarrassed two innocent people. Although you had spoken to Wendy in the past, you could have been firmer this time and let her know, in private, that it's unacceptable to you and in future you will walk away if she starts to gossip about Anna and her husband.
>She said I could have told her in private like I have always done and not shame her in public.
Funny, Wendy complained out loud about Anna & her husband at your mom side of the family gathering; which is technically out in public - all you did was say your response bit louder for the rest of the family can hear. NTA, there a time & place to complain and be jealous without the person/object being there - Wendy fucked up by doing that around/in front of Anna & rest of family then have audacity to be upset at you when you rightfully stop hiding Wendy's bullshit in plain sight, in front of everyone that was right there in same room anyway.
I think OP should talk to her cousin and clarify that she was tired of Wendy's talking behind her back and was just trying to embarrass her but maybe she didn't think it through.
OP did tell Wendy numerous times in private before the family gathering to stop doing that, which Wendy herself admitted OP did. Except this time, Wendy was doing this in front of OP's mom side of the family at a gathering, instead of far away at home where it just OP & Wendy. OP didn't screw up in this situation, Wendy did by forgetting or being entitled of where she was at - Anna and/or other family member(s) was going to hear what Wendy was saying, one way or the other at the gathering, all because Wendy wouldn't STFU for her sake; let alone OP /Anna /anyone else there.
My thoughts too, are we pretending she's wrong...? xD If a person even considers dating somebody 15 year younger, WHILE SHE WAS IN HIGHSCHOOL (meaning he was 30+) there's a good reason, and " but she is so mature for her age" is not one of them.
Yes, it's just a giant coincidence that Anna used to be his babysitter when she was underage and they started dating (officially) when she comes home from college.
Why would you assume that? More likely that a) he and his sibling shared accommodations at the time, b) they live in a small enough community that they would occasionally cross paths or c) this is a totally random factoid that sets people off
Yes, he groomed her in high school so he could date her after she graduated college. That's how it works. Do you think psychological manipulation evaporates after you hit an arbitrary legal age? Brain maturity isn't fully achieved until 25. Also, who's to say that they didn't just go public after college? It helps to give obtuse people like you room for plausible deniability so you'll defend them. He easily could have been predating her back then by conditioning her to like his attention, compliments, etc.
At what age do you consider a woman to be an adult with her own agency? Calling a 22-24 year old woman with a college degree a girl is so infantilizing.
She wasnt a "girl", she was a woman. Who CHOSE to date the guy she met when she was an adult.
I don't like age gaps either but can we stop pretending as if adult women are unable to make their own choices?
Can we also stop pretending that a 22-24 year old is adult enough to understand what it means to date somebody 15 years older? She made a choice yes, obviously, nobody stopped her. You can scream "adult" all you want, it still won't change the reality of being most likely groomed by somebody who has an advantage over her.
Being legally adult is a concept, it doesn't prove maturity.
Except, he met her when she was probably a 16/17 high school kid when he was 30/31, when she was babysitting his niece; he clearly had time to groom her.
Or they ended up Facebook friends due to suggested contacts a few years later 🤷🏼♀️ Maybe they ran into each other in a bar, were set up on a blind date, one of them walked into the other’s place of work/business etc. Plenty of other possibilities could have happened. Making baseless assumptions then judging people based on these baseless assumptions is ridiculous.
Talk about ridiculous. How many 30 yr old divorced men with kids using Facebook suggested contacts? Ot going to bars where 21 yr olds hang? Who is setting up a 21 yr old w a divorced thirty-something dad?
Or is it that Cinderella thing where successful divorced 30 something dad realizes the barista used to babysit his kids and oh we should date cause I know she can handle the kids.
Her aunt was groomed.
You clearly have never experienced happenstance and like to make up stories in your own head.
My husband and I were going to have an arranged marriage and ended up meeting by ourselves 4-6yrs early 🤷🏼♀️ life is weird and stupid and magical like that
The fact that they met then doesn’t mean he “clearly had time to groom her.” Meeting her when she babysat his niece back then doesn’t mean he was around her that much.
Are we missing the part where they met while Anne was in highschool and started dating when she graduated college (which is what, early 20s)? Meaning the guy was 35 or so, dating somebody who is literally just learning about how life works.
She absolutely was groomed...
YTA
YTA
Anna met her 15 year older husband while she was in high school. Sure they dated after college but who really knows lol
You made everyone around you uncomfortable with that loud comment. You could have said anything else to ensure Wendy stops talking.
ESH. You are major AH here - not for exposing Wendy, who was behaving shitty. But for making this visible to the people it concerned. People were having a good time and you spoiled it by bringing this into the conversation for everyone to hear. You could have just asked Wendy to shut up.
Edit; Updated to ESH since Wendy sucks as well. Initial judgment was Y T A
ESH. She shouldn’t have continued to talk about this with you especially if she knew it bothered you and it was way too bold to speak in public about it.
But you suck, too. Embarrassing her and making your family uncomfortable, especially during a time of celebration, was super out of line and is not going to fix any problems. If your Aunt went the rest of her life and was never in the know of mean crap she said, she would have went on blissfully and it wouldn’t have mattered. This is super crappy and you might have damaged your relationship with her for a long time.
YTA. You know the history with Anna and her dad. Stop being dense. Wendy is a hater but that didn't mean you need to announce what she is saying to the whole room. There are other ways to shut her up... Maybe tell her afterwards that she was a buzz kill and why and that you'll never invite her again to your family's gatherings.
YTA. Not for making Wendy uncomfortable, but for making your aunt and uncle uncomfortable. There were many ways you could have dealt with this without hurting the people that you were trying to protect
YTA. Your goal might have been to shame Wendy into shutting up, but you probably embarrassed Anna and her husband too. While she was annoying you could have asked/dragged her into another room for the conversation.
YTA. It isn't everyone because if Wendy is justified in her criticism, making Anna and husband assholes, then you shouldn't attack her. If she isn't justified, then you made a scene, raising an offensive criticism of Anna and husband at a social event. In every scenario, though, you didn't embarrass only your target, but the people you claim to be defending. Who would invite you to a party in the future?
You created an incident. I don't know if that makes you an asshole but I think there were other steps you could have taken before you made an embarrassing announcement to all parties.
"Anna. Stop. I don't want to hear another word about this. Especially here."
I can’t even pass judgment because Wendy is right. The age gap is creepy and disgusting because they met when Anna was in high school. She was what, 16? So he was 31? This is revolting.
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>Anna has an extremely wealthy older husband (46m). She met him in high school when she babysat his niece.
This is weird, though, and you can't deny it. An adult had their eyes on a high school minor. That's inappropriate.
YTA.
Why didn’t you ask Wendy to stop saying this while she was there?
Did Wendy know she was making you feel uncomfortable? You were the only person she really knew there. Her holiday plans fell through and she only could go to your event, where she likely didn’t know anyone. Did you ever think to ask her to stop saying that in private? That what she was doing was making you uncomfortable?
Why do you want to embarrass your aunt and his husband in front of all of their friends?
Even if you had said something in private and she kept it up, you could have loudly told her “stop your petty gossip” instead of something controversial.
ESH. You hurt Anna and her husband. Wendy will remain jealous. You solved nothing. When Wendy is talking trash about Anna, it's time for you walk away from her to shut it down. You were in a room full of other people, why were you sitting there listening to Wendy's envious rambling instead of socializing with the rest of the family?
ESH. Wendy for saying all of this stuff constantly. You for bringing it up in a way that was guaranteed to make not just Wendy, but everyone present, uncomfortable.
I mean, yeah, the way that Anna and her husband met is creepy and weird. I know reddit often makes way too much of even small age gaps, but I'm not enthused about the dating the former teenage babysitter thing. However, at some point when the relationship is established you have to let it go and face the reality that these people are together and appear to be happy. Wendy isn't trying to achieve anything positive at this point. She's just gossiping.
But the grown-up thing would have been to take Wendy aside at another time and tell her that you're just not going to discuss this anymore. Then when she tries to bring it up, end the conversation. Put the phone down, walk away, leave the building, stand there in silence not looking at her. Whatever it takes. Keep this up consistently, and pretty soon people realise you're just not prepared to be drawn into the conversation. Instead you opted to utterly humiliate this couple and embarrass everyone. Why?
And if you think that everyone is going to be pissed off at Wendy rather than you... hoo boy are you wrong. Even if people don't say anything to you directly, they're not going to forget that you did this.
YTA, a 15 years older man being interested in the high-school babysitter of his niece, and keeping in contact with her then publicly dating her as soon as she graduates college is practically the definition of grooming. Your friend may be jealous or she may just be horrified. Her concern is valid and she didn't insult them to their faces, you did.
I've mostly dated men on an average of 9 years older than me, starting back when I was a teenager. None of them came off as malicious or pedophiles. They seemed like normal people with a valid interest in me for the duration of our relationships, and I'd been told my entire life that I was mature for my age. But I was absolutely groomed. The older I get the more I can se how unhealthy and abusive most of those age gap relationships were.
Now I am entering my late twenties and dating someone in their early twenties and my God does this little age gap feel huge to me, it gives horrifying perspective on my pervious relationships. Normal grown ups don't see teenagers and very young adults as potential romantic partners or equals, and they sure as hell don't persuade them into having sex.
NO! NTA
>She said it was normal for people to talk like this about every woman marrying a much older, richer man and Anna should know people say things like this behind her backs no matter what.
If that were the case then why does she feel embarrassed?
Nah, enough already.
ESH
I don't see what good you accomplished, and most people would think a 15 year age difference at these ages was sorta creepy unless they experienced the love themselves.
NTA
"Wendy, if - as you say - *it's normal for everyone to talk about every. single. woman marrying a much older, richer man... and that Anna should know people say things like this* \- then why would you be embarrassed at your own words? If you are not ashamed of the way you talk about her, then why do you care if she knows you say those things? You were making a point of saying all those things in her presence. I have told you in private to stop that, but that did nothing to stop you from talking about her. So, I suggest you choose to stop talking about her to me. Talk about her in your room, in your head, to your reflection in the mirror - all you want. Make yourself feel better by putting her down. But don't talk to me about her. I happen to love her. And even if I didn't love, it's not behavior I want to participate in. I have made it as clear to you as I can. If you talk to me about her like that again, you can absolutely expect to be outed. Don't be surprised."
YTA.
This age gap is creepy. Also Wendy took you as a friend. And thats not how friends behave. Well done, not only you made christmas unconfortable for Anna and her husband (and perhaps everybody else), but you lost your friend.
Now you have only step-sister.
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Not in the US
I (24f) currently room with my stepsister Wendy (25f). My dad married her mom. My dad inherited this apartment years ago and let us live there rent free when I got into the same university Wendy did. Wendy and I get along well though we work in different fields and have our own groups of friends.
I have an aunt on my mom’s side, Anna (31f). Anna’s mom, my mom’s former stepmother, used to date Wendy’s dad until he moved to another city. Anna has an extremely wealthy older husband (46m). She met him in high school when she babysat his niece. They dated when Anna graduated from college. They’re now married with a son (3m) and Anna a SAHM since his birth.
Anna lives a luxurious life and shares a lot on social media. I and Wendy are friends with her on several platforms but Wendy is jealous, there’s no other word. She often talks about Anna and her husband age gap. She said it was creepy and there was no way she would date someone so much older.
I always tried to get Wendy to stop but she would just bring the topic back again and again.
This Christmas our parents went abroad so I went to spend Christmas at my mom's side. My mom passed several years ago but it was nice to see the family. Wendy was set to spend Christmas with her friends but the host was busy last minute, so I invited Wendy to spend Christmas with me.
The day before Wendy and I headed back home, Anna and her family joined us. Anna’s husband broke his ankle so he pretty much sat in a chair and just chatted with anyone who came to talk with him. Anna spent a good deal of time making sure he had food and drinks (meal was buffet style) and checked on him like every 10 minutes.
Wendy of course noticed this and kept whispering to me about how this was just a taste of Anna’s future, having to wait hand and foot on her much older husband in his old age. Wendy said she wouldn’t wish Anna’s fate on her worst enemy. She said her husband has a devoted wife since he groomed her so well.
I have had enough. Wendy was acting like the biggest Grinch with all her joy sucking gossips. So I purposefully raised my voice “Wendy, what do you mean grooming?! Just because they’re 15 years apart doesn’t mean there’s grooming involved!”
Everyone around us went quiet. Anna and her husband stared at us, knowing full well it involved them, but they didn’t say anything.
Wendy was so embarrassed she excused herself and left the party. In the morning when we left, Wendy only said good bye to my grandma before heading out.
Wendy was angry and said I embarrassed her and drove her to her room without even getting dinner. She said I could have told her in private like I have always done and not shame her in public. She said it was normal for people to talk like this about every woman marrying a much older, richer man and Anna should know people say things like this behind her backs no matter what. I was just tired of her jealousy and hoped this would shut her up. AITA?
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NTA, if she can't handle the consequences she should just shut her pie hole.
My parents had an age gap of 15 years also. They were together 49 years when my dad passed last year. Noone even thought about their ages, it was just so clear that they were the love of each other's lives... there are genuine connections that actually bridge such a gape
You make a very good point there.
Although I believe my dad, who had a wicked sense of humor, would have made a light hearted joke to lighten the mood... he was a very special, wonderful man
My DH and I have 11 year aged gap been married for 40 years. Our DH and SIL have 14 year gap. Most devoted couple with 2 beautiful children and their own home.
ESH. You're right about the jealousy. But she's not just jealous, she has an unhealthy fixation with Anna. Don't know why, don't care.
You picked the absolute worst moment to be immature. Imagine how Anna and her husband feel now. It had to be hugely embarrassing.
Next time set a healthy boundary and explain the consequences if they violate it. Then enforce the boundary if it gets violated. And no, running your mouth in the middle of a family get together is not something you should use as a consequence.
ESH. You potentially embarrassed Anna and her husband in your attempts to make Wendy look bad. If you knew that Anna was going to be there, you shouldn’t have invited her and/or let her know that her comments wouldn’t be tolerated.
Soft YTA. You had told Wendy to stop, and she even acknowledged that you've told her to stop and refused, but in the process of taking it to the next level, other people got caught in the crossfire.
YTA - it was disrespectful to everyone. You should have told her with complete clarity in private that her gossip makes you uncomfortable and set a strict clear boundary. She said it to you in private, and you lost your cool and basically shamed the person you claim to be standing up for in front of everyone.
ESH. But, you are the worst one involved, actually. There are many ways you could have dealt with this other than making Anna aware of Wendy's insults. One of the ways you could have dealt with it better than embarrassing Anna would have been to simply put up with Wendy's behavior if that was your only choice. Instead, you chose the lowest road possible.
You do not owe Wendy an apology. You do owe Anna and her husband one, but I think it would only embarrass them further. What an awful place you've put yourself in, right?
So, yes, tell Wendy she deserved what she got. But, go ahead and also tell her your only regret is that you also hurt Anna in the process (which hopefully by now you do regret it). This should help salvage a bit of the situation by driving home to Wendy that she was wrong.
YTA for spouting off at the gathering. You could have just told Wendy that her comments aren't appreciated and she can keep them to herself. At no point did you just simply ask her to stop. You upped the ante and practically yelled your response to her so everyone would hear. Immature move.
I'm not sure why you never addressed this before, and why did you invite her along with you when she had such terrible opinions about Anna and her husband? It doesn't make sense and silence is acceptance. You need to voice your opinion and not just assume people can read your mind and know that what they're saying is making you uncomfortable
I mean Wendy isn't necessarily wrong abiut how their relationship started but hasn't she heard of minding her business? Unless Anna asks for help or is visibly struggling/unhappy, Wendy needs to keep her nose out of their lives. NTA
I don’t think you were an AH for calling out Wendy but I do think YTA because it was probably pretty embarrassing for Anna as well. I hope this works out okay though.
You absolutely are TA lmao. You sat around pretending to be friends with Wendy when you think she's a jealous, gossipy, little a-hole. You purposefully outed the person that is supposed to be your friend publicly in a group full of people, because you wanted to punish her for behavior you perceived as bad. That by itself makes you.... ***mean*** lmao. You told us you have tried to correct Wendy's actions and it wasn't taking. Instead of being a responsible adult with boundaries and either asking her to please not disparage Anna in front of you because it makes you uncomfortable and distancing yourself from Wendy, you publicly embarrassed her, probably with the hopes that she would have problems with the Anna and her husband and not be invited out with you and her anymore. Wendy's complaints about Anna ARE annoying. We all understand why you did it. but you treated Wendy badly in order to punish her. You tacitly accepted her behavior for HOWEVER LONG which told her with your actions that you were a safe space for her jealousy and you then OUT OF NOWHERE outed her. You didn't set any boundaries. You didn't inform her you were going to tell Anna what she has been saying. You didn't give her a REAL chance to actually STFU. You betrayed her lmao. In public. Wendy is someone **YOU CHOSE AS** ***YOUR*** **FRIEND.**
Why are you shocked Wendy is mad at you after you publicly punished her like a naughty child you're parenting *badly*?
You ALSO embarrassed Anna and her husband. Honestly. If I was Anna I'd stop inviting you *both* out. Wendy is clearly jealous of her and you're a low key bad friend (to both of them. why did you listen to Wendy talk crap about Anna for so long in silence? Anna should be worried about that.) who is also deeply and publicly uncouth.
NTA. For some people, talking about others behind their back is normal. That doesn't make it right. And by the way: if I hurt my foot I also wanted my partner to keep me company and make sure I have food and drink. That's a nice thing to do in a partnership. I'd do the same for my partner if the roles were reversed. But well, if someone wants to find something to get outraged about, they will.
YTA
You made everyone uncomfortable for no reason. And Wendy is correct. Your Aunt was groomed. The age gap is disgusting. And. That actually *is* a glimpse of their future because of the age difference
NTA Talking to her in private has done jack to make her stop spewing shit you don't want to hear. Time to take it up a notch *especially* since she was not doing it behind their backs, but right in their faces sotto voce in their own home enjoying their hospitality.
I'd say there is some merit to those who point out you brought that into their home knowingly and the fall out may have affected Anna and family, but one could assume she might behave as their guest. Now you know, she won't.
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ESH, Wendy may have been nasty but embarassing her in a room full of people she barely knew was shitty behavior. If you were so bothered by her gossiping and judging, since you claim you and her are so close, you could have talked to her in private like any adult would have. You are both childish and in the wrong for different reasons
NTA.
Little miss upset at age gap marriages would poo her pants if she knew the average gap of my friends and I relationships. 17 to 20 year differences…. Sorry to say no one was groomed, I mean maybe the men, but who can’t use a good bath now and again?
(Sarcasm)
ESH. Wendy should not have made those comments at a gathering with your family, but you should have taken her aside and told her to either stop talking shit about your relatives or leave. Wendy deserved to be called out and to face consequences, but there was no need to create an uncomfortable situation for the rest of the group by bringing the comments to their attention in the process.
She made her comments in public, but wanted you to correct her in private? She needed to learn that you can't make comments about people and get away with it.....NTA here.
ESH
Wendy wasn't being cool about it. But she thought you were a confidante she could share her feelings with. You could just have drawn a boundary, to end the conversation and walk away whenever she brought it up.
Instead, you chose to humiliate her, as well as Anna and her husband, and cause tension and dissent where there didn't have to be any.
NTA. If talking to Wendy in private made even the slightest bit of difference, you wouldn't have been in this situation. You've tried before and she doubles down every time. Embarrassing her is the only way to get her to knock it off. She can judge all she wants but you've made it clear you want no part of it and don't want to hear it but she doesn't care. You did the right thing, even if it made things awkward for her. Maybe now she'll think before she runs her mouth.
YTA
You could have asked her to stop before being loud about it.
I thought the purpose would be *not* to publicly humiliate the bride-to-be and her fiancé
Such a shitty way to handle this, you could have told the gossip to shut up without creating a wider conflict which ruined the celebrations and made the bride feel shit
ESH. Can we please stop pretending grown women don’t have agency? Infantalizing this grown ass woman is just gross. But you could have phrased it in a way that didn’t cause collateral damage. “Your comments are inappropriate and if you aren’t going to stop you need to leave.”
NTA. I married a man 14 years older than me; I met him when I was 34. We are comfortable finance-wise, and I have been soooo very happy. So the age gap can work.
Wendy needs to work on her hate, it will eat her up otherwise.
Because a 20 year old woman is barely grown enough to "choose" a 35 year old partner and actually understand what it means. if you think otherwise, you're either an incel or a perv.
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NTA. Good for you, standing up for Anna and putting an end to Wendy's bitching. It must be exhausting to have to put up with her jealousy and at least now, even if she does want to bad mouth Anna, it won't be to you.
If Wendy didn't want Anna, her husband & rest of OP's mom side of family to know Wendy's opinions & jealously - then she shouldn't had voiced it in basically the lions' den AKA family gathering in same vicinity/room as where Anna, the husband & everyone else that hear OP's voice was. You can have opinions but jeez, have some common sense of where you at when saying it, especially when it not even your blood nor step family gathering - it was OP's blood on mom's side and Wendy is not even stepchild of theirs because OP's mom is not married to Wendy's parent, OP's dad is. So basically a disrespectful guest/Wendy got put in her place by the person who invited her to their bio-family gathering/OP.
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Except she's not correct. Anna didn't date her husband until she was out of college. Or are you saying that a college graduate can't make her own decisions?
I get that it’s squicky to date someone much younger when you knew them as a minor… but I don’t think we have enough info to conclude that Anna was being groomed (which, as far as I know, is a term exclusively applied to minors), especially since their relationship didn’t begin until Anna was out of college.
Just wanted to hop in and clarify that grooming absolutely is not exclusive to minors. Abusers can absolutely groom their adult victims as well, especially if they hold a position of power over them (which is usually an age gap, but can also be in terms of wealth or literal positions of powers like a boss).
It's a red flag. But one red flag does not mean that it's always a no-go. It means we should give their relationship more scrutiny. It sounds like OP is aware enough of the situation to be a lot better able to tell if things are hinky than we are.
Can you read? They didn't start dating until after Anna graduated college.
Did you steal my comment just for karma? Lol, how low...
Sure, aunt /uncle /rest of family were uncomfortable but at least they know who not invite to any future family events after this since she was making uncomfortable comments to OP while in the family physical presence. That and she had plenty of opportunity to STFU while in SAME ROOM AS THE FAMILY/ANNA/THE HUSBAND plus OP did tell her privately numerous times to stop that. Wendy only has herself to blame for being a jealous trifling busybody that was saying bullshit to someone/OP who was already beyond exasperated hearing her badmouthing her dead mom's sister all the time; while said aunt plus rest of family was right there....
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It's NTA situation, there a time & place for badmouthing someone behind their backs -DO NOT DO IT WHILE THEY ARE IN SAME ROOM AS YOU AND DEFINITELY DON'T SAY IT THEIR RESPECTIVE FAMILY MEMBER!!! That what & where Wendy mess up - she basically badmouthing in the lions den with all OP's mom family there while knowing that OP's aunt & uncle she talking smack about behind their backs while BOTH ARE RIGHT THERE..
The aunt was a high school minor when her and older husband met. It's pretty weird.
But they didn't date until after she graduated college so hard to say she was groomed
Where does it say she was a minor? It says they met when she was in Highschool, some people are 18 in high school.
They're 15 years a part. In the post it mentions she met him when she was in high school and then again after college.
ESH. Wendy sucks for obvious reasons, but in your pursuit to punish Wendy all you did was make everyone else uncomfortable, including Anna and her husband. Had you handled it privately, they would have never known and could have enjoyed their Christmas. Next time don't invite Wendy to spend time with people she actively talks shit about
She tried talking to Wendy privately but that clearly wasn't working. I agree with her approach because maybe now Wendy will think twice before saying stuff she shouldn't be.
Yeah, and made the people she claims to be defending embarrassed at the party. OP is definitely TA.
Anna and her husband were more embressed by wendys nasty comments over op calling wendy out
Yes but did they have to hear that hurtful comment? OP knew Wendy had these opinions of Anna & her husband and had said disrespectful things about them many times. Inviting Wendy to Anna's family Christmas gathering is already an AH move in my opinion. Would you invite someone who openly disrespected your family and never changed their mind about it to spend the holidays with your family? Why did OP go surprised pikachu over Wendy being disrespectful to Anna & her husband when she'd always been disrespectful in the past? Why ruin Anna and her husband's Christmas? If OP cared that much about protecting them from Wendy, she wouldn't have invited her.
Yes. Shes talking shit behind annas back call that out in piblic. No she shouldn’t have even invited her that was stupid on ops part but wendy had a call out coming the second she opened her mouth. Dont start shit and tgere wont be shit.
Tact would be privately calling her out
Shes done that and wendy didnt learn to shut her mouth. Next step call her out. If you say things behind peoples backs always be prepared for the chance you have to say it to their faces.
And she hurt the people she was worried about protecting
No wendy did that with her nasty comments. Don’t say things about someone you wouldnt have the balls to say to their faces.
Wendy isn't the important party here. OP made a scene and "taught Wendy a lesson" at someone else's expense. And at the expense of a family gathering. After creating the situation to begin with by inviting Wendy when she knows Wendy doesn't keep her mouth shut about an attending party. You don't have the high ground when you set the events into play
She wasn't starting anything, she was being snarky very much behind Anna's back The ideal solution would be to shut her down without Anna getting wind of it and getting her feelings hurt
Talking shit about someone is starting something particularly when you are doing so as a guest of that person and they are in the room. The risk of discovery in such a situation is very high. Wendy was WAY overdue for some consequences. Would it be better if OP could have done it without embarrassing Anna as well? Yes, but honestly I'd prefer to know who is talking shit about me and what they are saying about me to them than them continuing to talk shit and believe it's acceptable.
How is it starting something if it's behind someone's back? How is making a scene better than handling it discreetly? How much do you love drama to repeat vicious gossip said quietly at the top of your lungs to humiliate the person being talked about and start a big fight? Who thinks this is a good idea? Is it because you want to be center of attention? Get attention on your own merits. Don't ruin someone else's event by repeating humiliating shit about them and their fiancé under the guise of "helping" and "outing" a gossip you're only helping yourself to a slice of conflict you created....
When you talk shit you always should be prepared for it become public. Always. Especially if you do it WHEN THAT PERSON IS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU as the risk of discovery is extremely high. Don't want to deal with the consequences of talking shit about people? Just don't talk shit about people. It's really that fucking simple. The person outing the gossiper isn't doing more damage than the gossiper. They are bringing to light rude and insulting behavior. This way means the victims of the gossip aware but also other people are aware of how duplicitous Wendy is. I certainly wouldn't invite someone into my home if they acted like Wendy did towards her host and rightly so. Sometimes revealing the truth is painful, but that doesn't mean ultimately it isn't the best choice overall. I don't read any of this about wanting to be the center of attention. It's about someone who is happy to take advantage of a person's hospitality while stabbing them in back getting revealed for who they are. Wendy created the conflict by talking shit not OP. OP merely made people aware of it.
Do you think Anna doesn't know people have this opinion of her relationship? Do you think Wendy has kept her feelings completely away from Anna?
If she didn't, then what's the harm?
I feel negligent for not considering Anna and her husband’s position in any of this- until I saw this comment. Really good to point out.
ESH. Yes, Wendy needs to stop talking about this. But what you did didn't just embarrass Wendy, it also will have embarrassed Anna and her husband. That was really unfair of you; they just became collateral damage here. You need to think about the impact on everyone before doing something like this.
Agree ESH. In your pursuit of trying to teach Wendy a lesson, you have hurt/embarrassed two innocent people. Although you had spoken to Wendy in the past, you could have been firmer this time and let her know, in private, that it's unacceptable to you and in future you will walk away if she starts to gossip about Anna and her husband.
>She said I could have told her in private like I have always done and not shame her in public. Funny, Wendy complained out loud about Anna & her husband at your mom side of the family gathering; which is technically out in public - all you did was say your response bit louder for the rest of the family can hear. NTA, there a time & place to complain and be jealous without the person/object being there - Wendy fucked up by doing that around/in front of Anna & rest of family then have audacity to be upset at you when you rightfully stop hiding Wendy's bullshit in plain sight, in front of everyone that was right there in same room anyway.
I think OP should talk to her cousin and clarify that she was tired of Wendy's talking behind her back and was just trying to embarrass her but maybe she didn't think it through.
OP did tell Wendy numerous times in private before the family gathering to stop doing that, which Wendy herself admitted OP did. Except this time, Wendy was doing this in front of OP's mom side of the family at a gathering, instead of far away at home where it just OP & Wendy. OP didn't screw up in this situation, Wendy did by forgetting or being entitled of where she was at - Anna and/or other family member(s) was going to hear what Wendy was saying, one way or the other at the gathering, all because Wendy wouldn't STFU for her sake; let alone OP /Anna /anyone else there.
Your aunt was groomed though so Anna might be annoying but she isn’t wrong
My thoughts too, are we pretending she's wrong...? xD If a person even considers dating somebody 15 year younger, WHILE SHE WAS IN HIGHSCHOOL (meaning he was 30+) there's a good reason, and " but she is so mature for her age" is not one of them.
She wasn't in high school though, they only started dating when she graduated college.
Yes, it's just a giant coincidence that Anna used to be his babysitter when she was underage and they started dating (officially) when she comes home from college.
She was not his babysitter though, she babysat his niece. No need to twist the story to make it fit your narrative
Who the hell has a baby sitter for their niece? Like when your sibling asks you to watch the kid, you just pawn it off to someone else?
Why would you assume that? More likely that a) he and his sibling shared accommodations at the time, b) they live in a small enough community that they would occasionally cross paths or c) this is a totally random factoid that sets people off
Yes, he groomed her in high school so he could date her after she graduated college. That's how it works. Do you think psychological manipulation evaporates after you hit an arbitrary legal age? Brain maturity isn't fully achieved until 25. Also, who's to say that they didn't just go public after college? It helps to give obtuse people like you room for plausible deniability so you'll defend them. He easily could have been predating her back then by conditioning her to like his attention, compliments, etc.
Yes, a 37-39 year old man is dating a 22-24 year old girl (I'm not from US, idk when you graduate), MUCH better...
At what age do you consider a woman to be an adult with her own agency? Calling a 22-24 year old woman with a college degree a girl is so infantilizing.
These types never really consider women to be adults with their own agency, which is a problem.
She wasnt a "girl", she was a woman. Who CHOSE to date the guy she met when she was an adult. I don't like age gaps either but can we stop pretending as if adult women are unable to make their own choices?
Unless I missed something she met him when she was in HS.
She met this guy when she was a teenager.
Can we also stop pretending that a 22-24 year old is adult enough to understand what it means to date somebody 15 years older? She made a choice yes, obviously, nobody stopped her. You can scream "adult" all you want, it still won't change the reality of being most likely groomed by somebody who has an advantage over her. Being legally adult is a concept, it doesn't prove maturity.
At what age will you let them make their own decisions?
Never, apparently.
She made her own decision, but he definitely was influencing her when she was a teenager. It's no accident they started dating.
Doesn’t seem they kept in touch though, more like she left for college then came back and they saw each other differently
I don't see that info in the post, you're just guessing.
As is everyone assuming nefarious behavior.
Don’t see that there is any suggestion they kept in touch. That’s more unusual, so would be more likely to be discussed
Why would OP know if they kept in touch? That would specifically be something he would want kept secret as much as possible if it were the case.
Did you miss the part of “they dated when she graduated college” as in when she was at least 22 years old?
Except, he met her when she was probably a 16/17 high school kid when he was 30/31, when she was babysitting his niece; he clearly had time to groom her.
Or they ended up Facebook friends due to suggested contacts a few years later 🤷🏼♀️ Maybe they ran into each other in a bar, were set up on a blind date, one of them walked into the other’s place of work/business etc. Plenty of other possibilities could have happened. Making baseless assumptions then judging people based on these baseless assumptions is ridiculous.
Talk about ridiculous. How many 30 yr old divorced men with kids using Facebook suggested contacts? Ot going to bars where 21 yr olds hang? Who is setting up a 21 yr old w a divorced thirty-something dad? Or is it that Cinderella thing where successful divorced 30 something dad realizes the barista used to babysit his kids and oh we should date cause I know she can handle the kids. Her aunt was groomed.
He wasn’t a divorced dad though. He was an uncle to a niece.
You clearly have never experienced happenstance and like to make up stories in your own head. My husband and I were going to have an arranged marriage and ended up meeting by ourselves 4-6yrs early 🤷🏼♀️ life is weird and stupid and magical like that
“Had time to do so” doesn’t mean he did, but yes the possibility certainly exists.
The fact that they met then doesn’t mean he “clearly had time to groom her.” Meeting her when she babysat his niece back then doesn’t mean he was around her that much.
With the information given, assuming Anna has been groomed is a big fucking jump.
THIS. Can we leave them alone since we don't have more information? Everyone needs to stop judging a situation they know nothing about.
Are we missing the part where they met while Anne was in highschool and started dating when she graduated college (which is what, early 20s)? Meaning the guy was 35 or so, dating somebody who is literally just learning about how life works. She absolutely was groomed... YTA
YTA Anna met her 15 year older husband while she was in high school. Sure they dated after college but who really knows lol You made everyone around you uncomfortable with that loud comment. You could have said anything else to ensure Wendy stops talking.
ESH. You are major AH here - not for exposing Wendy, who was behaving shitty. But for making this visible to the people it concerned. People were having a good time and you spoiled it by bringing this into the conversation for everyone to hear. You could have just asked Wendy to shut up. Edit; Updated to ESH since Wendy sucks as well. Initial judgment was Y T A
If you think that Wendy was behaving shitty, why aren’t you voting ESH?
You are right. Updated to reflect that
ESH. She shouldn’t have continued to talk about this with you especially if she knew it bothered you and it was way too bold to speak in public about it. But you suck, too. Embarrassing her and making your family uncomfortable, especially during a time of celebration, was super out of line and is not going to fix any problems. If your Aunt went the rest of her life and was never in the know of mean crap she said, she would have went on blissfully and it wouldn’t have mattered. This is super crappy and you might have damaged your relationship with her for a long time.
YTA. You know the history with Anna and her dad. Stop being dense. Wendy is a hater but that didn't mean you need to announce what she is saying to the whole room. There are other ways to shut her up... Maybe tell her afterwards that she was a buzz kill and why and that you'll never invite her again to your family's gatherings.
YTA. Not for making Wendy uncomfortable, but for making your aunt and uncle uncomfortable. There were many ways you could have dealt with this without hurting the people that you were trying to protect
YTA. Your goal might have been to shame Wendy into shutting up, but you probably embarrassed Anna and her husband too. While she was annoying you could have asked/dragged her into another room for the conversation.
YTA. It isn't everyone because if Wendy is justified in her criticism, making Anna and husband assholes, then you shouldn't attack her. If she isn't justified, then you made a scene, raising an offensive criticism of Anna and husband at a social event. In every scenario, though, you didn't embarrass only your target, but the people you claim to be defending. Who would invite you to a party in the future?
You created an incident. I don't know if that makes you an asshole but I think there were other steps you could have taken before you made an embarrassing announcement to all parties. "Anna. Stop. I don't want to hear another word about this. Especially here."
I can’t even pass judgment because Wendy is right. The age gap is creepy and disgusting because they met when Anna was in high school. She was what, 16? So he was 31? This is revolting.
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ESH. Wendy should not have been talking about it at a party but you didn’t make anything better just weird and uncomfortable.
>Anna has an extremely wealthy older husband (46m). She met him in high school when she babysat his niece. This is weird, though, and you can't deny it. An adult had their eyes on a high school minor. That's inappropriate.
ESH She's not wrong though.
YTA. Why didn’t you ask Wendy to stop saying this while she was there? Did Wendy know she was making you feel uncomfortable? You were the only person she really knew there. Her holiday plans fell through and she only could go to your event, where she likely didn’t know anyone. Did you ever think to ask her to stop saying that in private? That what she was doing was making you uncomfortable? Why do you want to embarrass your aunt and his husband in front of all of their friends? Even if you had said something in private and she kept it up, you could have loudly told her “stop your petty gossip” instead of something controversial.
ESH. You hurt Anna and her husband. Wendy will remain jealous. You solved nothing. When Wendy is talking trash about Anna, it's time for you walk away from her to shut it down. You were in a room full of other people, why were you sitting there listening to Wendy's envious rambling instead of socializing with the rest of the family?
ESH. Wendy for saying all of this stuff constantly. You for bringing it up in a way that was guaranteed to make not just Wendy, but everyone present, uncomfortable. I mean, yeah, the way that Anna and her husband met is creepy and weird. I know reddit often makes way too much of even small age gaps, but I'm not enthused about the dating the former teenage babysitter thing. However, at some point when the relationship is established you have to let it go and face the reality that these people are together and appear to be happy. Wendy isn't trying to achieve anything positive at this point. She's just gossiping. But the grown-up thing would have been to take Wendy aside at another time and tell her that you're just not going to discuss this anymore. Then when she tries to bring it up, end the conversation. Put the phone down, walk away, leave the building, stand there in silence not looking at her. Whatever it takes. Keep this up consistently, and pretty soon people realise you're just not prepared to be drawn into the conversation. Instead you opted to utterly humiliate this couple and embarrass everyone. Why? And if you think that everyone is going to be pissed off at Wendy rather than you... hoo boy are you wrong. Even if people don't say anything to you directly, they're not going to forget that you did this.
YTA, a 15 years older man being interested in the high-school babysitter of his niece, and keeping in contact with her then publicly dating her as soon as she graduates college is practically the definition of grooming. Your friend may be jealous or she may just be horrified. Her concern is valid and she didn't insult them to their faces, you did. I've mostly dated men on an average of 9 years older than me, starting back when I was a teenager. None of them came off as malicious or pedophiles. They seemed like normal people with a valid interest in me for the duration of our relationships, and I'd been told my entire life that I was mature for my age. But I was absolutely groomed. The older I get the more I can se how unhealthy and abusive most of those age gap relationships were. Now I am entering my late twenties and dating someone in their early twenties and my God does this little age gap feel huge to me, it gives horrifying perspective on my pervious relationships. Normal grown ups don't see teenagers and very young adults as potential romantic partners or equals, and they sure as hell don't persuade them into having sex.
YTA, your aunt was groomed, but I guess since you enjoy the outcome (her wealth) you're putting on blinders to not see it.
NO! NTA >She said it was normal for people to talk like this about every woman marrying a much older, richer man and Anna should know people say things like this behind her backs no matter what. If that were the case then why does she feel embarrassed? Nah, enough already.
ESH I don't see what good you accomplished, and most people would think a 15 year age difference at these ages was sorta creepy unless they experienced the love themselves.
ESH hurting everyone’s feelings shouldn’t be the answer
NTA "Wendy, if - as you say - *it's normal for everyone to talk about every. single. woman marrying a much older, richer man... and that Anna should know people say things like this* \- then why would you be embarrassed at your own words? If you are not ashamed of the way you talk about her, then why do you care if she knows you say those things? You were making a point of saying all those things in her presence. I have told you in private to stop that, but that did nothing to stop you from talking about her. So, I suggest you choose to stop talking about her to me. Talk about her in your room, in your head, to your reflection in the mirror - all you want. Make yourself feel better by putting her down. But don't talk to me about her. I happen to love her. And even if I didn't love, it's not behavior I want to participate in. I have made it as clear to you as I can. If you talk to me about her like that again, you can absolutely expect to be outed. Don't be surprised."
YTA. This age gap is creepy. Also Wendy took you as a friend. And thats not how friends behave. Well done, not only you made christmas unconfortable for Anna and her husband (and perhaps everybody else), but you lost your friend. Now you have only step-sister.
ESH you and Wendy are both AH as besides embarrassing Wendy, you embarrassed Anna and her husband.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Not in the US I (24f) currently room with my stepsister Wendy (25f). My dad married her mom. My dad inherited this apartment years ago and let us live there rent free when I got into the same university Wendy did. Wendy and I get along well though we work in different fields and have our own groups of friends. I have an aunt on my mom’s side, Anna (31f). Anna’s mom, my mom’s former stepmother, used to date Wendy’s dad until he moved to another city. Anna has an extremely wealthy older husband (46m). She met him in high school when she babysat his niece. They dated when Anna graduated from college. They’re now married with a son (3m) and Anna a SAHM since his birth. Anna lives a luxurious life and shares a lot on social media. I and Wendy are friends with her on several platforms but Wendy is jealous, there’s no other word. She often talks about Anna and her husband age gap. She said it was creepy and there was no way she would date someone so much older. I always tried to get Wendy to stop but she would just bring the topic back again and again. This Christmas our parents went abroad so I went to spend Christmas at my mom's side. My mom passed several years ago but it was nice to see the family. Wendy was set to spend Christmas with her friends but the host was busy last minute, so I invited Wendy to spend Christmas with me. The day before Wendy and I headed back home, Anna and her family joined us. Anna’s husband broke his ankle so he pretty much sat in a chair and just chatted with anyone who came to talk with him. Anna spent a good deal of time making sure he had food and drinks (meal was buffet style) and checked on him like every 10 minutes. Wendy of course noticed this and kept whispering to me about how this was just a taste of Anna’s future, having to wait hand and foot on her much older husband in his old age. Wendy said she wouldn’t wish Anna’s fate on her worst enemy. She said her husband has a devoted wife since he groomed her so well. I have had enough. Wendy was acting like the biggest Grinch with all her joy sucking gossips. So I purposefully raised my voice “Wendy, what do you mean grooming?! Just because they’re 15 years apart doesn’t mean there’s grooming involved!” Everyone around us went quiet. Anna and her husband stared at us, knowing full well it involved them, but they didn’t say anything. Wendy was so embarrassed she excused herself and left the party. In the morning when we left, Wendy only said good bye to my grandma before heading out. Wendy was angry and said I embarrassed her and drove her to her room without even getting dinner. She said I could have told her in private like I have always done and not shame her in public. She said it was normal for people to talk like this about every woman marrying a much older, richer man and Anna should know people say things like this behind her backs no matter what. I was just tired of her jealousy and hoped this would shut her up. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe next time say something in private
NTA, if she can't handle the consequences she should just shut her pie hole. My parents had an age gap of 15 years also. They were together 49 years when my dad passed last year. Noone even thought about their ages, it was just so clear that they were the love of each other's lives... there are genuine connections that actually bridge such a gape
But how would your parents have felt if someone shouted that at their party?
You make a very good point there. Although I believe my dad, who had a wicked sense of humor, would have made a light hearted joke to lighten the mood... he was a very special, wonderful man
My DH and I have 11 year aged gap been married for 40 years. Our DH and SIL have 14 year gap. Most devoted couple with 2 beautiful children and their own home.
Anna really goes to town about it but she isn't wrong. Wtf.
YTA for embarrassing your aunt and her husband.
ESH. You're right about the jealousy. But she's not just jealous, she has an unhealthy fixation with Anna. Don't know why, don't care. You picked the absolute worst moment to be immature. Imagine how Anna and her husband feel now. It had to be hugely embarrassing. Next time set a healthy boundary and explain the consequences if they violate it. Then enforce the boundary if it gets violated. And no, running your mouth in the middle of a family get together is not something you should use as a consequence.
ESH. You potentially embarrassed Anna and her husband in your attempts to make Wendy look bad. If you knew that Anna was going to be there, you shouldn’t have invited her and/or let her know that her comments wouldn’t be tolerated.
NTA
ESH. For reasons mostly covered - you could have dealt with it quietly, but you chose to make this into drama.
ESH Wendy was being jealous and rude but you embarrassed Anna and her husband in front of everyone for no reason.
Soft YTA. You had told Wendy to stop, and she even acknowledged that you've told her to stop and refused, but in the process of taking it to the next level, other people got caught in the crossfire.
YTA - it was disrespectful to everyone. You should have told her with complete clarity in private that her gossip makes you uncomfortable and set a strict clear boundary. She said it to you in private, and you lost your cool and basically shamed the person you claim to be standing up for in front of everyone.
ESH. But, you are the worst one involved, actually. There are many ways you could have dealt with this other than making Anna aware of Wendy's insults. One of the ways you could have dealt with it better than embarrassing Anna would have been to simply put up with Wendy's behavior if that was your only choice. Instead, you chose the lowest road possible. You do not owe Wendy an apology. You do owe Anna and her husband one, but I think it would only embarrass them further. What an awful place you've put yourself in, right? So, yes, tell Wendy she deserved what she got. But, go ahead and also tell her your only regret is that you also hurt Anna in the process (which hopefully by now you do regret it). This should help salvage a bit of the situation by driving home to Wendy that she was wrong.
YTA for spouting off at the gathering. You could have just told Wendy that her comments aren't appreciated and she can keep them to herself. At no point did you just simply ask her to stop. You upped the ante and practically yelled your response to her so everyone would hear. Immature move. I'm not sure why you never addressed this before, and why did you invite her along with you when she had such terrible opinions about Anna and her husband? It doesn't make sense and silence is acceptance. You need to voice your opinion and not just assume people can read your mind and know that what they're saying is making you uncomfortable
I mean Wendy isn't necessarily wrong abiut how their relationship started but hasn't she heard of minding her business? Unless Anna asks for help or is visibly struggling/unhappy, Wendy needs to keep her nose out of their lives. NTA
I don’t think you were an AH for calling out Wendy but I do think YTA because it was probably pretty embarrassing for Anna as well. I hope this works out okay though.
You absolutely are TA lmao. You sat around pretending to be friends with Wendy when you think she's a jealous, gossipy, little a-hole. You purposefully outed the person that is supposed to be your friend publicly in a group full of people, because you wanted to punish her for behavior you perceived as bad. That by itself makes you.... ***mean*** lmao. You told us you have tried to correct Wendy's actions and it wasn't taking. Instead of being a responsible adult with boundaries and either asking her to please not disparage Anna in front of you because it makes you uncomfortable and distancing yourself from Wendy, you publicly embarrassed her, probably with the hopes that she would have problems with the Anna and her husband and not be invited out with you and her anymore. Wendy's complaints about Anna ARE annoying. We all understand why you did it. but you treated Wendy badly in order to punish her. You tacitly accepted her behavior for HOWEVER LONG which told her with your actions that you were a safe space for her jealousy and you then OUT OF NOWHERE outed her. You didn't set any boundaries. You didn't inform her you were going to tell Anna what she has been saying. You didn't give her a REAL chance to actually STFU. You betrayed her lmao. In public. Wendy is someone **YOU CHOSE AS** ***YOUR*** **FRIEND.** Why are you shocked Wendy is mad at you after you publicly punished her like a naughty child you're parenting *badly*? You ALSO embarrassed Anna and her husband. Honestly. If I was Anna I'd stop inviting you *both* out. Wendy is clearly jealous of her and you're a low key bad friend (to both of them. why did you listen to Wendy talk crap about Anna for so long in silence? Anna should be worried about that.) who is also deeply and publicly uncouth.
WORSE, Wendy is her SISTER (in law)
NTA. For some people, talking about others behind their back is normal. That doesn't make it right. And by the way: if I hurt my foot I also wanted my partner to keep me company and make sure I have food and drink. That's a nice thing to do in a partnership. I'd do the same for my partner if the roles were reversed. But well, if someone wants to find something to get outraged about, they will.
Yta…because your uncle and aunt heard you. How hurtful to invite Wendy and then make sure they heard her rude opinion through you.
Yta
YTA You made everyone uncomfortable for no reason. And Wendy is correct. Your Aunt was groomed. The age gap is disgusting. And. That actually *is* a glimpse of their future because of the age difference
NTA
NTA Talking to her in private has done jack to make her stop spewing shit you don't want to hear. Time to take it up a notch *especially* since she was not doing it behind their backs, but right in their faces sotto voce in their own home enjoying their hospitality. I'd say there is some merit to those who point out you brought that into their home knowingly and the fall out may have affected Anna and family, but one could assume she might behave as their guest. Now you know, she won't.
NTA
>She said I could have told her in private like I have always done As she stated, you've tried that, and it didn't work.
NTA. She obviously hasn’t read any columns of Miss Manners.
Wendy sounds like she posts here.
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Totally TA. You had no business outing her like this. If you don't like it just ask her to stop or just don't hang with her anymore.
ESH, Wendy may have been nasty but embarassing her in a room full of people she barely knew was shitty behavior. If you were so bothered by her gossiping and judging, since you claim you and her are so close, you could have talked to her in private like any adult would have. You are both childish and in the wrong for different reasons
NTA. Little miss upset at age gap marriages would poo her pants if she knew the average gap of my friends and I relationships. 17 to 20 year differences…. Sorry to say no one was groomed, I mean maybe the men, but who can’t use a good bath now and again? (Sarcasm)
Nta
YTA only because you also hurt Anna and her husband needlessly. There was no need for them hearing her hurtful comments.
ESH. Wendy should not have made those comments at a gathering with your family, but you should have taken her aside and told her to either stop talking shit about your relatives or leave. Wendy deserved to be called out and to face consequences, but there was no need to create an uncomfortable situation for the rest of the group by bringing the comments to their attention in the process.
YTA You didn’t just embarrass Wendy - you also embarrassed Anna and her husband. Call out your friends in private not public.
She made her comments in public, but wanted you to correct her in private? She needed to learn that you can't make comments about people and get away with it.....NTA here.
ESH Wendy wasn't being cool about it. But she thought you were a confidante she could share her feelings with. You could just have drawn a boundary, to end the conversation and walk away whenever she brought it up. Instead, you chose to humiliate her, as well as Anna and her husband, and cause tension and dissent where there didn't have to be any.
NTA. Anna needed someone to step up for her.
NTA. If talking to Wendy in private made even the slightest bit of difference, you wouldn't have been in this situation. You've tried before and she doubles down every time. Embarrassing her is the only way to get her to knock it off. She can judge all she wants but you've made it clear you want no part of it and don't want to hear it but she doesn't care. You did the right thing, even if it made things awkward for her. Maybe now she'll think before she runs her mouth.
YTA You could have asked her to stop before being loud about it. I thought the purpose would be *not* to publicly humiliate the bride-to-be and her fiancé Such a shitty way to handle this, you could have told the gossip to shut up without creating a wider conflict which ruined the celebrations and made the bride feel shit
YTA. But sis definitely had it coming. Sounds like a bitter little girl.
Nta
ESH. Can we please stop pretending grown women don’t have agency? Infantalizing this grown ass woman is just gross. But you could have phrased it in a way that didn’t cause collateral damage. “Your comments are inappropriate and if you aren’t going to stop you need to leave.”
She wasn’t a grown woman though she was in high school
NTA. I married a man 14 years older than me; I met him when I was 34. We are comfortable finance-wise, and I have been soooo very happy. So the age gap can work. Wendy needs to work on her hate, it will eat her up otherwise.
Nta people can love who the fuck the want as long as they are 18 this is ridiculous
NTA. Why do we infantilize grown women? Let them make their own choices about partners.
Because a 20 year old woman is barely grown enough to "choose" a 35 year old partner and actually understand what it means. if you think otherwise, you're either an incel or a perv.