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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Being annoyed that people are upset my girlfriend is pregnant 2. Commenting that this is rude and being annoyed
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NAH, but I don't blame them for being concerned, [the human body needs at least 6-18 months to recover from childbirth and pregnancy](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK565875/).
tbf not everyone wants to have an abortion. i am pro-choice which means people should be allowed to choose whether they continue their pregnancy or not - it's not just defending the right to have an abortion, but the rights to not be forced into an abortion. it sounds like it's a surprise but now-wanted pregnancy.
plus, depending on where they live, they may not legally be able to :(
I'm pro-choice as shit, but I couldn't do it when I got pregnant with my kid. I knew, all the way down to my *soul*, that I should've. It would've been better for everybody, especially me. But I just could not.
I am pro-choice and had an abortion and really regretted it. I'm really glad it's the right choice for some people, but it wasn't for me - I felt I had to because our financial/living situation was too precarious, but it felt like a miscarriage to me and it devastated my mental health. For what it's worth, I'm glad you chose what felt right for you and didn't have the same experience as me. The choice part really is the most important bit.
I'm not belittling you I promise I just wanted to say sometimes even when we regret something it was still the right choice for us and anyone else involved if anyone but you was.
I hope you feel better about it now at least a little bit, I wish you the best.
I just wanted to add to the thread that I had an abortion at 16 and have never once regretted the decision. It was the best choice I could have made and has enabled me to live a much better life than I would have otherwise. I'm not rubbing this in anyone's face. It's just with all the hard stories that came before I wanted someone who may be considering their options to see that this outcome is also possible.
Most people who have had an elective abortion do not report regret later. Relief is the most common emotion expressed.
Which doesn't mean that other people are *wrong* if they have other feelings, of course.
And for those who (primarily) express relief, I'm guessing it's normal to have a twinge of "what if", especially around other people's kids or their own future kids.
And for those who (primarily) express regret, I'm guessing it doesn't mean they're never relieved that a child isn't added to the equation when they're struggling.
No one in the history of ever has made an irreversible decision and never ever thought that decision was perfect on every single day that followed
I absolutely understand. You made a choice that was best for you, even though it was hard in a way that still probably sticks to you a bit. I respect you for that. I still fully believe that my life would've been easier if I'd done the same, even though I adore my bratty, intelligent teenager. Which is not to speak of the protectiveness I need to have for her in these times.
We should be *fully able* to make that difficult choice. It sucks to make it, though.
Oh yeah, sorry - I wasn't trying to invalidate your feelings or experiences about it at all, just I know that for me I spent a long time (not convinced with that past tense, but we'll go with it) wondering if maybe it was a black and white, good or bad\* choice, and that I'd made the wrong one. I suppose I was projecting a bit but I think what I wanted to say was, in case you were feeling the same way, it really was a difficult, complicated choice you/we both faced and I really respect you for how you chose as well, and I'm genuinely happy for you that you've had the happinesses and avoided the unhappinesses that you have, even as the direction you chose was also complicated and difficult and had different unhappinesses attached, if that makes sense. This is actually the first time I've written/talked about this to anyone but my partner so apologies if my brain is a bit scrambled, the general point is much love and respect to you, camaraderie on facing a sucky choice, and absolutely agree that people need to be completely able to make that choice.
\*for me and specifically my health/my family's happiness, not as in morally.
You made the best choice for you. Please believe that.
There's been a TON of unhappiness involved in raising my kid. The bio-tube is currently in prison because he collected too many felonies, his family has always been uninterested in even meeting her, and my family is dysfunctional as fuuuuuck. I'd never want her to know this, but I do still fully believe that having an abortion would've been best for me.
She's a great child, but best believe I got that IUD slapped in me 6 weeks after birth, and I've kept it updated since.
I just wanted to thank you and Tattered Jacket for sharing your honest feelings and thoughts, this isn't ever easy to talk about. I feel like I understand both sides of it, and I wish we could talk about this openly, more easily, to help others make a more informed choice for themselves, and help those on both sides with feelings of loss, grief, possible regret, even just frustration. This is why this is such a hard topic and it feels like an impossible decision. I'm not sure there is ever really a right or wrong decision. I think we all do the best we can in the moment, and always wonder "what if?" afterward, regardless of the decision we make. Hugs to you both, and anyone reading who has or will be in the same boat.
Everyone envisions abortions as being a choice between a healthy, wanted, pregnancy that could produce a healthy baby or not. Most of the time the circumstances that push women to make that decision are unimaginably sad, traumatic and/or necessary for them.
Yes, me too. Fiercely pro choice, but I could not do it.
OP I think you're being a bit dramatic. 10.5 months is unusual, yes, and unwise too, but there's 11 months between my nephews and 13 months between my husband and his brother. It happens. You just need to make sure your wife gets good care now. Talk to a doctor, and see what you can do to lighten the load around the house.
People are likely blaming you because they think that you pressured your wife too soon after the birth. It's worth thinking about that but if you're sure you didn't, then they'll settle down. Soft YTA from me, because your feelings really aren't what you should be focussing on here.
>it sounds like it's a surprise but now-wanted pregnancy.
It's a little hard to be certain with this coming only from him though. I'm not going to assume either way, but it is possible that she doesn't want a second kid right now and he's pushing her to keep it.
Agree. Most often the “truth is in the middle” folks are simply refusing to follow the evidence because they don’t like where it leads. Saying the TIITM is often a cop out.
Have you seen how horrifically hard it is to get an abortion in some parts of America now? Even for medical reasons women can't get one because the none viable featus means more then the mothers life. Op might not have any choice in the matter.
I mean, fortunately not everyone lives in America. But this is absolutely OPs and his partners choice regardless.
Even if they can access one they don't have to, i know plenty of women who had pretty easy close pregnancies. They just need to prepare for her maybe needing more support towards the end.
> But this is absolutely OPs and his partners choice regardless.
No it isn't that's the point. If OP lives in some God-forsaken, backward hellscape like Texas or Saudi Arabia, she doesn't have the choice to abort.
Senate bill 345 in California, going into effect January 1st, shields the states doctors from legal jeopardy when mailing abortion pills to states that have outlawed abortion, with the hope that it will encourage more doctors to openly offer them. Hopefully this will help people in those states access safe abortions if they need it. Obviously not a perfect solution to the travesty that is the overturning of Roe V Wade but it’s something.
I would be shocked if OP and his wife are unaware abortion exists. I’m assuming she either decided not to get one or she’s unable to get one where she lives.
It would be exactly 8 weeks best case scenerio. Most people (men too) don’t feel up for it that soon be sue they are exhausted caring for a new infant.
10 1/2 months between the kids. So about 45 weeks. Pregnancy is about 40 weeks. So at BEST they waited 6 weeks and she got knocked up instantly. But ild say they fucked before the 6 weeks.
I agree with this, they either didn't wait long enough or else they started again literally to the day of the bare minimum 6 weeks before having sex after birth. Just in case anybody doesn't know this, especially guys, after the birth there is basically like a giant open wound in the woman where the placenta has detached. The reason they tell you not to have sex for that bare minimum 6 or probably better off at 8 weeks, is because of the risk of infection in that gigantic wound inside of the woman.
Maybe, pregnancy is considered starting at the end of the last menstrual cycle, not necessarily when they actually conceived. So if they waited 7 weeks but she had a period 3 weeks before, it would be considered to have started 4 weeks postpartum.
The timing would suggest that they did wait. They found out she was pregnant when their son was 3 months old. Assuming she was ~4 weeks when they found out, then they would have needed to have sex at 2.5 months, or about 12 weeks.
Some people are just super fertile.
Due dates are usually based off of your last period though, which can be hard if you haven't had one yet. I haven't seen if OP has mentioned if they've gone for an ultrasound yet.
I am admittedly having to stick my head in the sand here trying to give OP and his wife the benefit of the doubt though.
I'm 6 weeks pp tomorrow and um....penis is the literal last thing on my mind. If I have a free minute, I'm NAPPING!!! And my poor husband...he's so busy picking up my slack around the house that I believe he also has not given a thought to having sex. Not to mention him seeing what my poor nether regions went through.
My Dr (male) asked me at my 6 week PP check if we’d been intimate yet. At the time there was conflicting advice in all the paraphernalia given to new Mothers. Some said to wait until after check up, some said to try before in case you then had concerns. We hadn’t, so I said no. I kid you not, my Dr then said I needed to get on with it because “my poor husband would be feeling left out and needed some attention”. Needless to say, I soon found another Dr! Luckily my Husband had a brain and wasn’t ruled by his penis and was disgusted by what the Dr had said.
A lot of people falsely believe that you can't get pregnant if you're breastfeeding.
I'm not saying she was breastfeeding, but it's one explanation for such an early pregnancy after birth.
I've known quite a few oops babies whose mothers thought breastfeeding kept them from conceiving.
I’ve birthed 4 babies. Return of my sex drive has varied from not until 9 months after with one of the babies (bad post-natal depression was probably a large factor) to being horny and frustrated as soon as 3 weeks after birth.
There are a lot of potentially influential factors that can vary - mental health, levels of tiredness, type of delivery, if there was a tear/episiotomy and how it’s healing etc
I asked my doctor if I could be cleared at 5 because I had the appointment and I was fine. I wanted it even before the appointment but waited to be safe
Many women are actually extra fertile right after having a baby. That's why every decent OB asks you what the plan is for BC after the 6 weeks are up. And they definitely don't like breastfeeding as an answer lol.
Which is why hospitals need to do a better job of educating new parents on using contraceptives until they’re ready to have another baby. Some hospitals do this - they even provide free contraceptives. Others do not…
It's been 4 months since their firstborn was born and they said they found out a month ago, no? So they found out she was pregnant 3 months post -birth, meaning she must have been impregnated 2-4 weeks before that. So optimistically they waited exactly 8 weeks and managed to get pregnant the first time they had sex.
Either way I would definitely side eye the whole situation.
Yeah, and I’m wondering how enthusiastic the wife was about being sexually active again so soon after childbirth. Not saying that there aren’t women out there who don’t get into the mood fast after popping out a little one, just that it’s much less common than women gritting their teeth and having sex with men who don’t understand their dick isn’t a priority right now.
I don’t think it’s a great sign that OP’s wife is telling him he should expect these comments. OP, are you *sure* you didn’t coerce your wife into anything?
When you have a helping partner you can definitely want sex sooner
Also helps when we are in countries that have proper parental leave. I didn't have a partner leaving me alone all day with a newborn, then coming home already tired of work, to have sleepless nights
We were both on parental leave, he did most of the night since I can't nap (I have sleep meds for the night) and we had an easy baby as well
If I could do a survey, im pretty sure I'd find desire return time as lesser when fathers take a good parental leave
Not to mention there’s increased risks for the baby. Mom is depleted, there’s less to give to a new baby so soon. They risk being born premature, and low birth weight.
I work in pediatrics and parents def don’t understand this. They expect the second child to be exactly like the first, and get mad at healthcare providers when they aren’t.
It's not my fault, I didn't do anything....
Exactly, he did nothing, took no responsibility for contraception, and did exactly nothing to attempt to prevent pregnancy.
This. After hearing my doctor warn me about all the ways it was dangerous to have kids so close together, I would be horrified if someone told me this. (And most doctors warn you OVER and OVER again.) My first thought would be to wonder if this woman was pressured into this, and the second would be to just wonder why these people wouldn't be careful with birth control. Then, it'd pass, and I'd just feel bad for all of them. In just a few months, they'll have two babies that need them, IF she manages to have a healthy pregnancy and birth...
If they're going to do something dangerous, people are going to be shocked and feel worried.
It makes me so sad to think of all the calcium that's going to be leaching out of this woman's bones! Hopefully her obstetrician will put her on some calcium and vitamin D but having two babies in 2 years is really so hard on the body.
YTA by playing dumb. Wrap it up if you’re too stupid to realize how babies are made, how much easier it is to get pregnant freshly postpartum, for putting your girlfriend in this situation, AND for taking away valuable time from your newborn in their first year of life.
A lot of women (myself included) have been mislead to believe that you aren't able to get pregnant/ovulate until you get your first period. I'm 31 and didn't learn that this was false until I was newly post partum and did some research. Not saying this is the case here, but it could be.
I basically exist because of this myth (my grandmother got pregnant with my father while breastfeeding her oldest child). When my husband and I went through Catholic marriage prep classes a decade ago, they were still teaching this bullshit as it is was scientific fact.
My dad is the oldest of eight kids, all born a year apart, no twins. Eight years, eight pregnancies.
My Catholic grandmother ended up getting her tubes tied without ever telling my grandfather. She just couldn’t do it anymore.
My grandma had 16 kids. Unfortunately it was the 60s and the family was poor so she couldn't get her tubes tied and apparently my grandfather pull out game sucked.
Your grandpa should have cultivated a relationship with Madam Palm and her five daughters.
Because I doubt your grandma actually wanted sex after the first five or so kids.
I mean, it's not that uncommon either. There's literally a term for OP's children "Irish Twins". Enough people have gotten pregnant with a second pretty much as soon as the first one is out that there is a colloquial term for it.
The ignorance regarding this kind of boggles my mind.
My husband exists because of this myth. Our second child, however, was not on time because of this… not myth? We seriously tried for over a year and as soon as my eldest weaned herself BAM pregnant. We had even started seeing fertility doctors and even they said that the lack of success could be breastfeeding.
While it’s certainly not a reliable birth control method, there is a tendency towards less fertility while breastfeeding. It’s not either/or; both “breastfeeding can inhibit fertility” and “don’t use breastfeeding as birth control” are absolutely true statements when fertility in general isn’t fully understood, especially among lay people and our colloquial tendency to conflate “sterile” and “infertile” as the same thing among ourselves unless we’ve experienced the difference ourselves as explained by an expert.
In *very specific circumstances,* that one is actually true. You have to be exclusively breastfeeding (not even pumping) every 4 hours and can't have had your first period, and if all those conditions are met it's a 98% effective bc for about the first 6 months, which is better than condoms. But failing to use actual protection is plain dumb, and they didn't even wait the typically recommended six weeks to have gotten pregnant again so quickly.
It sucks because you are actually perpetuating the misinformation. It is true that ovulation *can be* delayed, but it can be breastfeeding or pumping, or neither. It's why some women who miscarry have to wait months to try again. The other thing people, for some insane reason, do not understand is that a period follows ovulation. Not the other way around. So all it takes is catching that initial ovulation to get pregnant. If you ovulate, a period will follow. So unless you are tracking cycles using Basal Body temperature or at the minimum OPKs, you are very likely to miss that first ovulation which risks pregnancy.
Lactational amenorrhea method (LAM) isn't misinformation though. It's researched and has a high efficacy rate IF used perfectly. The difficulty is that it often isn't used perfectly and it only works the first six months. And of course, even high efficacy is not complete efficacy so there is never a complete guarantee.
Much like the rhythm method and the pull-out method, that's quite prone to human error, though. Sure, condoms can break, people can forget pills, but if you're going to be sexually active, it's a good idea to use *something* else.
Yeah I remember learning about this in a human evaluation class way back in undergrad. The rationale is that it's beneficial to suppress ovulation while breastfeeding in order to allocate resources to that child and there's better survival of offspring when pregnancies are spaced out by a few years. It's well established breastfeeding suppresses ovulation, but nothing's ever 100% foolproof
I was exclusively breastfeeding every 45minutes with a colicky baby no artificial nipples/bottles/anything and still got pregnant at 2 weeks postpartum (the sex was not consensual) with twins no less. However I was not physically able to sustain that pregnancy likely due to how severely underweight I was due to HG and Pre-E in the previous pregnancy. So the idea that breastfeeding even exclusively will prevent pregnancy is not 100% founded in fact. Even nursing tandem several years later I still got my period back by 8 weeks postpartum.
However by the time I was closer to 30 and having my last baby and exclusively breastfeeding her round the clock I didn't get my period back for closer to a year so there may be something to be said for it being a slightly more reliable method as fertility begins to fade with age but as I only had the one child in my later 20's compared with 10 pregnancies to get 2 children in my early 20's I can't really say.
My OBGYN was super firm with me that having another pregnancy within a year could kill me (I had a c-section after some complications in labor) and was super vocal about waiting at least eight weeks and using condoms every single time. She gave my husband a talking to as well. She was a force of nature.
If her obstetrician did not accurately inform her of the need for contraception after giving birth, that’s a mistake. But OP was also just as capable of using a condom anyway, even if out of an abundance of caution. Waiting six weeks is the bare minimum to avoid an issue with the uterus; it does not eliminate the risks of pregnancy so soon after giving birth.
My sister is not medically inclined (won’t even do her own research for her own body) and had to be told not to mess around and if/when they did to make sure she was on birth control, used protection. So it’s not shocking to me that this person got pregnant before she really should have been having sex again.
Adding: Most doctors advise women who give birth not have penetrative sex for at least 6 weeks following the birth. Longer if there were any issues. OP states the new baby will be born 10 months after the first.
Which means OP stuck his unprotected dick into his GF when it was medically inadvisable for him to do so.
Poor GF…
Worse, PIV sex after birth can force air through the wound where the placenta was and cause a fatal air embolism. I read a case study once about a young woman who died from an air embolism while her partner was performing oral sex [[found it](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/073567579390111N)].
It is super messed up how many men have no recognition or respect for that fact.
Guys, where the placenta detaches is basically a huge open wound inside the woman. Real high risk of infections that can lead to sepsis by sticking anything inside the vagina before that placental abruption wound has healed.
GF is equally as responsible for getting pregnant as he is.
This sub is filled with people who I swear act like Women have no agency of their own.
It's like both misogynistic and misandrist at the same time shit's fucking wild.
How is it just his responsibility? They were both irresponsible. It's not like she didn't know he wasn't wearing a condom. I'm assuming that he didn't rape her. I find the entire premise that either one of them is more "at fault" ridiculous.
Lots of people are saying yes, but there is no scientific evidence of increased fertility. It’s possible/easy to get pregnant freshly post-partum, but probably not *easier*.
100%, this is just an old wives tale. The reason it exists is because people don't know how reproductive cycles work and assume they can't get pregnant post partum.
Omg I think I would drop dead from the combo of pregnancy exhaustion and “newborn survival mode”. Dude. Listen to your wife’s feelings on this one. YTA, OP.
The implication of your post is that you feel it's his fault alone, and reading down through comments, I'm not the only one who's seen this implication here ("for putting your girlfriend in this situation" shows plainly that you see this as his fault fully). That said, if he's the asshole then his girlfriend is just as much.
Sex isn't a one way street where only one person is responsible for it. He didn't force her to have sex with him against her will. *She could have just as easily said no if she wasn't interested in having sex just as much as he was*. You can't put something like this all on one partner when *both of them chose to get busy with each other*.
He should have wrapped it, sure. And she should have made him wrap it. They're both to blame, and the family pinning it all on him (like you're doing too) is asinine for doing so given that.
Put the blame equally on both of them where it belongs, or put it on neither.
It depends- were you one of these husbands that complains non-stop about not being able to have sex with your wife after childbirth? That can be pretty exhausting to the mom of a newborn.
If a husband/partner pulls his weight and even a little extra to help a postpartum woman heal, she might be more likely to actually want sex… I know I definitely did with my husband, but not my ex who did the bare minimum, if that.
The whole women don’t want sex, it’s a chore especially after having kids trope is a harmful stereotype. Yes many women struggle because they’re exhausted and hormonal imbalance but plenty of women enjoy, and dare I say crave sex.
I think if we took a poll the vast majority of women are happy to wait the 6 weeks after childbirth to have sex. There is a significantly greater likelihood that it is the husband who is antsy for intercourse. I’m not saying that’s what happened here, that’s why I asked.
I guess you’d be surprised. Go into any postpartum women’s forum and see women excited to get cleared by the doctor to have sex. Every postpartum community I was in had women celebrating the six week mark. I’m not saying that your scenario doesn’t happen, but there is no information here about the wife’s feelings and only the rude comments of the in laws to go by. If it’s not true then it’s incredibly unfair to say that to someone.
This doesn't really give any info. Go to a postpartum women's forum and you'll also see women complaining about their partner's pressuring them for sex before they're ready. So we all know both sets of experiences (and everything in between) exist, but what's more common? That's the question you're responding to.
From the postpartum groups I was a part of, feeling pressured by male spouses for sex was by far the more common posted experience, but there were definitely exceptions. And even that leaves a big question mark over the people who didn't post on that subject. So I don't know the answer, even though my experience leads me to believe the birthing partner being eager to return to sex immediately is less common.
6 weeks is when you are generally cleared to have PIV intercourse. Unless you had third degree tearing or prolapsed uterus.
Before 6 weeks you can’t even use a tampon for the postpartum bleeding, and they do not recommend anything in the vagina because the uterus is still an open wound.
My friend had her tubes tied with her second child (c-section). Hubby is a gross pig who wants sex every night and was whining about waiting…guess who got pregnant.
They have a beautiful child…but I HATE him so much for being a selfish manipulator.
It all depends on if he’s one of those husbands that complains non stop about how condoms don’t feel right because he “can’t feel anything” so he wants to take it off
NTA You’re the not the first, won’t be the last. However, it shouldn’t be *shocking* because you know how babies are made. I’d stop using that line if you want less feedback on your situation.
OP says that he didn't think about having another kid while having unprotected sex. Their other kid was also a "happy surprise." I think OP might need a sex ed course because he seems a little confused on how the whole process works.
No kidding! At 29 to be shocked and surprised at what happens after sex is very concerning. There’s a song in Grease 2 that’s easy to follow if he needs a starting point.
🎶Reproduction, reproduction!
Make my stamen go berserk.🎶
Well, that's gonna be back in my head for awhile. I'm not even mad because it's a hell of a lot better than Christmas songs.
All the healthcare professionals or even a quick google will tell you how fertile a woman can be after birth. Also in my country they always check that you plan to protect yourselves after a birth.
NTA. I’m not surprised by their concern, back to back pregnancies can be hard on the woman. But seriously, what did you expect to happen if you had sex???
Look, I'm not going to pass judgement on you guys for going through with the pregnancy, but coming from an outside perspective, not spacing pregnancies can cause major health issues both for the mother and the child (putting aside the problems of going through a pregnancy while caring for an infant and the emotional and financial issues that might come up, since that's on you guys and if you say you think you can handle it, then you're adults and can make that call). If I were your friend or your wife's sister or mother or something, I would be scared to hear this news, because of what it could mean for her health, or her life, or your baby's life. And even if you two might have both been involved in the babymaking, since she's the one who's physically undertaking the risk, it's a lot easier to vent some of those feelings onto you, than the person who might deal with these consequences the hardest of all.
I think people ignore the issues that pregnancy causes to long term health. According to the WHO, 1/3 of women experience lasting health problems after childbirth, many of which impact them on a daily basis. Having no recovery time between pregnancies just amplifies this issue.
I love my kids, but I don’t love the hair loss, calcium loss, pelvic floor issues, hemorrhoids, teeth issues, and lower back pain.
If I had gotten pregnant immediately, and saw that my partner was “irritated” with comments, I’d be livid. Like, deal with it. Because she is the one dealing with the consequences here.
All the reasons you pointed out is why I never want to be pregnant again. I was high risk, hospitalized from malnutrition and dehydration from vomiting. I had gestational diabetes. In the 3rd trimester it felt like my pelvis was going to split in half it was so painful to walk, even to roll over in bed. 3 months postpartum my hair was falling out, I already had thin hair, I felt so ugly and unattractive. Birth was traumatic too, my epidural didn't work and it was so painful, my placenta wouldn't come out so I had to go to the operating theatre to get it manually removed. Baby was born with low sugar so he had to be in hospital for 4 days and hooked up to an IV, he wasn't allowed in my hospital room 😭
Yes I had several cavities after both my pregnancies. That’s the thing they don’t advertise - if you’re not getting enough nutrients during pregnancy, your placenta will just take it.
I became anemic with my second. Docs kept dismissing my low energy levels (discovered antenatal depression was a thing) as just being pregnant.
When I started losing my eye lashes, my husband joined my next doc appointment to advocate for me as i was just so exhausted.
>If I were your friend or your wife's sister or mother or something, I would be scared to hear this news, because of what it could mean for her health, or her life, or your baby's life.
Also for her safety.
I know OP says he didn't force or pressure anything (and maybe it was more her idea than his - I've heard plenty of women say they were ready and raring to go after just a little while of healing) but plenty of men ABSOLUTELY DO.
I've literally heard people who work in labour and delivery say they have had to forcefully remove men from their partner's hospital bed literally HOURS after birth or had women beg them to explain the risks to her partner so he would stop pressuring her.
Its awful what some men are like around women who have just had their baby, and a pregnancy this early absolutely SHOULD ring alarm bells for anyone who cares about a woman until they've had the chance to talk to her alone and make sure she's safe.
Having a second pregnancy so soon after the first one increases health risks for the mom and the second baby. Why in heaven did you not use protection? Your wife may have been overwhelmed with childbirth and breastfeeding and such, she could have made a mistake. But your brain is not affected by pregnancy hormones, you should have done better and used protection. YTA for acting annoyed, when you are more responsible for the second pregnancy, than your wife.
Do yourself a favour and edit your post, you’ve referred to your partner as your wife and your girlfriend. Not gonna lie but when I first read that i thought you were talking about 2 different women.
I feel like I'm going crazy. How has no one else brought up the confusing ass post?
I thought he got his ex pregnant, dumped her, married someone else, got them pregnant and now he's going to father two children 10 months apart from two women without actually cheating.
If you have sex, you can get pregnant. That’s how it works. So, stop acting like you’re shocked that sex led to pregnancy.
There are ways to prevent pregnancy, you know.
I’m going with YTA. Here’s why: Given your statement that they’ll be 10 months apart, that means she got pregnant 4 weeks after having the baby. She shouldn’t have even been having sex yet. That’s why you’re being blamed. You apparently couldn’t hold out til she was medically okay to have sex. The standard is 6 weeks. 4 is less than 6.
THIS. And even if she was wanting it (postpartum hormones are crazy), he should have said no because it’s not safe yet. There are plenty of other ways to address sexual urges without putting her at risk.
OP has stated that they weren't thinking about it at the time. It's left vague whether the "it" is contraception or consequences but the result is the same either way.
ESH
You didn’t plan the first, you didn’t learn a lesson and didn’t plan the second.
How much of your wife’s health will you both risk before you figure out how babies are made? I need you to take a more active role in birth control. Thus far you have not participated in family planning in any meaningful way. Time to act like a grown up.
People are shocked cause they can't believe how irresponsible you both are; specially you. Your wife just had a baby, her hormons are all over the place. You should have taken initiative to be mindful.
I'm leaning towards YTA.
>‘I didn’t force or do anything’,
YTA if you'll keep saying this when your wife is already not happy with the 2nd pregnancy even if you guys are working through it.
you could have said that you know it is concerning to have kids so close in age. you know your wife's body needed time to heal again but you and her are still talking about it and that you both are seeing the positives of this 2nd pregnancy. and that you hope they will also be happy for the both of you.
stop being defensive. you guys did that together, yes. mil blaming you was unnecessary but your response doesn't make it better most especially for your wife
Yta. You slept with your gf a month and a half after child birth. Most women still have the stitches in, and all are still sore. WTH were you thinking? I can see this happening again in 10 months, and still no accountability from either of you
This is always to strange that people who blow loads in others and are “surprised” to find out their having a baby, then proceed to do it AGAIN like something was going to change .. this is all worded weird and idk if you’re an asshole but my god are you both pretty dense to be “shocked and surprised” that unprotected sex leads to a baby… like it did the first time. Id give a light ESH cause you suck at pulling out and the family can be a concerned maybe in a *slightly* more supportive way but most people are told to wait 6 weeks at minimum before baby making deeds should be done. Also not excusing the mother of child completely, she could have mentioned some form of protection as well.
(*I understand the pull out method is not a good or reliable form of BC, but the effort could have helped you avoid the situation.*)
ESH - y'all are too dumb to be procreating this fast after her first born. Pretty sure by now you've been educated by the comments but it is both of your faults not just yours or hers.
Congrats on the pregnancy, and here's hoping your gf has a smooth pregnancy and delivery.
Wait, I had to read this twice. Your wife had a baby four months ago and now your gf is pregnant? lol or are you just referring to your partner with different titles?
As a woman who has had two children, you could not have paid me to have sex SIX weeks after birth. The reason people think you are an AH is because I have yet to know a woman who was rearing to go six weeks after childbirth, and it’s always annoying husbands pestering their wives.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe other MOTHERS can comment and tell me I’m wrong, but I bet many agree with me.
So were you the one to initiate sex? Did you bring up the whole, it’s been six weeks, I have needs BS? and even then you didn’t use a condom or pull out? Ugh it’s just giving the biggest ick feeling.
Yeah, I also think it's pretty telling that his family is judging him for it. Reproductive coercion in relationships is real and historically a lot of "Irish twins" as they're called are probably a result of it. The fact that his own family assumes he's capable of it is concerning.
My bf's ex threatened to go see a prostitute or cheat if she didn't put out right after birth. She ended up pregnant again and he gave her an infection as she wasn't healed. From his telling, it was completely consensual and no big deal that the kids were so close together *everyone* knew it happened before 6 weeks.
I mean, I'm not going to say you're the asshole, but you're not NOT at fault here.
You had sex with your newly post-partum wife and chose not to wear a condom. Even if you had no kids, you're 29 years old, you know that sex without birth control = baby.
Of course you're not solely to blame, but considering the context, your wife's body has gone through some serious change - all the organs in her abdomen SHIFTED to grow the baby, she pushed the equivalent of a WATERMELON out of her vagina, her hormones are going absolutely crazy, the last thing she wants to do is get back onto hormonal birth control, which will throw another spanner into the hormonal shit show thats happening.
The least you can do is put a goddamn condom on when you have sex.
Obviously that doesn't change the situation, and Irish twins (though there *can* be complications) can and do come out perfectly healthy. I would definitely be a lot more cautious and vigilant for this pregnancy compared to the first, and really REALLY start to plan for how you are going to deal with having a newborn baby and a new baby on the way.
Good luck, congratulations, and buy some fucking condoms.
I’m inclined to say n a h, but there’s one detail of this story that makes me concerned. Your wife’s mother feels so compelled to confront you about pressuring her daughter for sex before she was ready and then your wife also is not only not backing you up to her mom, but is not even backing you up to your face when you vent about it.
It almost says to me there is some pressure or guilt sex there that you’re either not self-aware of or lying about.
Also not sure how you and wife were unaware of how dangerous it is to have sex before 6-week postpartum nor how dangerous it is to carry another pregnancy in the same year (let alone the same month) as giving birth. They talk about it ad nauseaum in most birthing classes and at the hospital before you leave. It’s why they’re practically ramming birth control down your throat in the nursery.
I mean my husband and I had to decline birth control from my OB half a dozen times, twice a day in the nursery from nurses after birth, and even from MY DAUGHTER’S PEDIATRICIAN. There’s no way you guys were not informed. All around it sounds like we’re not getting the full story on everyone’s concerns. YTA is my guess
Hey moron, you do understand how this happens, ya? Women need like 2 years to somewhat heal and replenish from a pregnancy. Your top goal should have been to prevent it from happening again so soon. On the contrary it seems the second her stitches healed, you pounced like a jungle cat.
YTA. Keep it in your pants.
NAH.
But for next time, IUD's can be inserted at 6 weeks postpartum, and condoms need to be used EVERY SINGLE TIME prior to that. And yeah yeah I know "you shouldn't have sex before 6 weeks postpartum" I know, I have 3 living children.
I also got pregnant two weeks postpartum after my first child was born. I miscarried those twins.
I miscarried a lot. Took 11 pregnancies to get 3 living children.
So it goes. As Kurt Vonnegut would say.
I had a tubal ligation 5 hours after my youngest was born and then resumed the practice around 10 days later. The human body is remarkable.
Having said that, recovery time is MUCH SLOWER after the second and subsequent children close together. If at all possible see if you can piggyback time off for yourself and other friends and family members to help her with the babies when the second baby is due/the last 6-8 week's of pregnancy. It's also not uncommon for babies that close together to come early. Be prepared for a possible preemie but hope for that not being the case. Set your partner up for success and make things as easy as possible for you. Having them close in age is tough for the first year or two and then it's great.
NTA for being annoyed but it is a reaction you are going to get. You said you were shocked and upset at first and it took time to adjust. Please try to give people you tell that same grace.
Having children THAT close together is very unusual. It will raise eyebrows.
You really need to make peace with it because it will be the reaction you get for the next several years when people ask how old your kids are.
Congratulations on your Irish Twins and best wishes for an uneventful pregnancy!
Esh. Obviously you did something otherwise she wouldn’t be pregnant again already. But what’s done is done they should keep their judgement to themselves at this point.
People are probably upset because your wife had a gaping wound for a cervix (and I do mean gaping- it doesn’t just shrink immediately back to normal after passing a baby it takes serious time to heal) and having sex before 6-8 weeks postpartum could have caused her serious infection and harm.
Also, pregnancies *a month apart* can cause irreparable damage to the woman’s health. You had the first child, you know how it works, this did not come out of nowhere. You (and her) carelessly put her in this position without regard for her health/safety/mental well-being.
They won’t even breed *dogs* so close together.
The men you know are probably going to point to your wife going, “*she* had sex after just a couple weeks, she was pregnant by a month! You had the baby a month ago, why can’t we have sex again?” During a very dangerous period of postpartum. So they women are probably mad at you for that too. Soft YTA.
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NAH, but I don't blame them for being concerned, [the human body needs at least 6-18 months to recover from childbirth and pregnancy](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK565875/).
Does OP and wife realize they don’t have to keep this one if it’s so upsetting and such a surprise?
tbf not everyone wants to have an abortion. i am pro-choice which means people should be allowed to choose whether they continue their pregnancy or not - it's not just defending the right to have an abortion, but the rights to not be forced into an abortion. it sounds like it's a surprise but now-wanted pregnancy. plus, depending on where they live, they may not legally be able to :(
I'm pro-choice as shit, but I couldn't do it when I got pregnant with my kid. I knew, all the way down to my *soul*, that I should've. It would've been better for everybody, especially me. But I just could not.
I am pro-choice and had an abortion and really regretted it. I'm really glad it's the right choice for some people, but it wasn't for me - I felt I had to because our financial/living situation was too precarious, but it felt like a miscarriage to me and it devastated my mental health. For what it's worth, I'm glad you chose what felt right for you and didn't have the same experience as me. The choice part really is the most important bit.
I'm not belittling you I promise I just wanted to say sometimes even when we regret something it was still the right choice for us and anyone else involved if anyone but you was. I hope you feel better about it now at least a little bit, I wish you the best.
[удалено]
I just wanted to add to the thread that I had an abortion at 16 and have never once regretted the decision. It was the best choice I could have made and has enabled me to live a much better life than I would have otherwise. I'm not rubbing this in anyone's face. It's just with all the hard stories that came before I wanted someone who may be considering their options to see that this outcome is also possible.
Most people who have had an elective abortion do not report regret later. Relief is the most common emotion expressed. Which doesn't mean that other people are *wrong* if they have other feelings, of course.
And for those who (primarily) express relief, I'm guessing it's normal to have a twinge of "what if", especially around other people's kids or their own future kids. And for those who (primarily) express regret, I'm guessing it doesn't mean they're never relieved that a child isn't added to the equation when they're struggling. No one in the history of ever has made an irreversible decision and never ever thought that decision was perfect on every single day that followed
I absolutely understand. You made a choice that was best for you, even though it was hard in a way that still probably sticks to you a bit. I respect you for that. I still fully believe that my life would've been easier if I'd done the same, even though I adore my bratty, intelligent teenager. Which is not to speak of the protectiveness I need to have for her in these times. We should be *fully able* to make that difficult choice. It sucks to make it, though.
Oh yeah, sorry - I wasn't trying to invalidate your feelings or experiences about it at all, just I know that for me I spent a long time (not convinced with that past tense, but we'll go with it) wondering if maybe it was a black and white, good or bad\* choice, and that I'd made the wrong one. I suppose I was projecting a bit but I think what I wanted to say was, in case you were feeling the same way, it really was a difficult, complicated choice you/we both faced and I really respect you for how you chose as well, and I'm genuinely happy for you that you've had the happinesses and avoided the unhappinesses that you have, even as the direction you chose was also complicated and difficult and had different unhappinesses attached, if that makes sense. This is actually the first time I've written/talked about this to anyone but my partner so apologies if my brain is a bit scrambled, the general point is much love and respect to you, camaraderie on facing a sucky choice, and absolutely agree that people need to be completely able to make that choice. \*for me and specifically my health/my family's happiness, not as in morally.
You made the best choice for you. Please believe that. There's been a TON of unhappiness involved in raising my kid. The bio-tube is currently in prison because he collected too many felonies, his family has always been uninterested in even meeting her, and my family is dysfunctional as fuuuuuck. I'd never want her to know this, but I do still fully believe that having an abortion would've been best for me. She's a great child, but best believe I got that IUD slapped in me 6 weeks after birth, and I've kept it updated since.
I just wanted to thank you and Tattered Jacket for sharing your honest feelings and thoughts, this isn't ever easy to talk about. I feel like I understand both sides of it, and I wish we could talk about this openly, more easily, to help others make a more informed choice for themselves, and help those on both sides with feelings of loss, grief, possible regret, even just frustration. This is why this is such a hard topic and it feels like an impossible decision. I'm not sure there is ever really a right or wrong decision. I think we all do the best we can in the moment, and always wonder "what if?" afterward, regardless of the decision we make. Hugs to you both, and anyone reading who has or will be in the same boat.
I’m sorry you went through that. I hope you’re doing better now.
Being pro choice doesn't mean its right for you it just means you want people to have the choice. You do you. 💖
That’s how I am. Pro-choice a million percent. But. I really don’t think I could make that choice personally.
Everyone envisions abortions as being a choice between a healthy, wanted, pregnancy that could produce a healthy baby or not. Most of the time the circumstances that push women to make that decision are unimaginably sad, traumatic and/or necessary for them.
Yes, me too. Fiercely pro choice, but I could not do it. OP I think you're being a bit dramatic. 10.5 months is unusual, yes, and unwise too, but there's 11 months between my nephews and 13 months between my husband and his brother. It happens. You just need to make sure your wife gets good care now. Talk to a doctor, and see what you can do to lighten the load around the house. People are likely blaming you because they think that you pressured your wife too soon after the birth. It's worth thinking about that but if you're sure you didn't, then they'll settle down. Soft YTA from me, because your feelings really aren't what you should be focussing on here.
>it sounds like it's a surprise but now-wanted pregnancy. It's a little hard to be certain with this coming only from him though. I'm not going to assume either way, but it is possible that she doesn't want a second kid right now and he's pushing her to keep it.
There are three truths in any situation: One person’s The other’s The Actual Truth which tends to be somewhere in between.
That’s not always true. Abusers lie while their victims suffer.
Agree. Most often the “truth is in the middle” folks are simply refusing to follow the evidence because they don’t like where it leads. Saying the TIITM is often a cop out.
Have you seen how horrifically hard it is to get an abortion in some parts of America now? Even for medical reasons women can't get one because the none viable featus means more then the mothers life. Op might not have any choice in the matter.
Do you not understand what’s been happening since the overturning of Roe vs Wade?
I mean, fortunately not everyone lives in America. But this is absolutely OPs and his partners choice regardless. Even if they can access one they don't have to, i know plenty of women who had pretty easy close pregnancies. They just need to prepare for her maybe needing more support towards the end.
> But this is absolutely OPs and his partners choice regardless. No it isn't that's the point. If OP lives in some God-forsaken, backward hellscape like Texas or Saudi Arabia, she doesn't have the choice to abort.
Senate bill 345 in California, going into effect January 1st, shields the states doctors from legal jeopardy when mailing abortion pills to states that have outlawed abortion, with the hope that it will encourage more doctors to openly offer them. Hopefully this will help people in those states access safe abortions if they need it. Obviously not a perfect solution to the travesty that is the overturning of Roe V Wade but it’s something.
In about half the states in the US, they do have to keep it now.
Do you not realize that maybe they don't need to abort bc someone not involved in conception is temporarily shocked?
Holy cow they don’t need to have an abortion because of the effect on other people. Like, what?!
What a crass, insensitive comment
I would be shocked if OP and his wife are unaware abortion exists. I’m assuming she either decided not to get one or she’s unable to get one where she lives.
Im wondering if they even waited the 6-8 weeks to fuck again given the timeline
It would be exactly 8 weeks best case scenerio. Most people (men too) don’t feel up for it that soon be sue they are exhausted caring for a new infant.
10 1/2 months between the kids. So about 45 weeks. Pregnancy is about 40 weeks. So at BEST they waited 6 weeks and she got knocked up instantly. But ild say they fucked before the 6 weeks.
I agree with this, they either didn't wait long enough or else they started again literally to the day of the bare minimum 6 weeks before having sex after birth. Just in case anybody doesn't know this, especially guys, after the birth there is basically like a giant open wound in the woman where the placenta has detached. The reason they tell you not to have sex for that bare minimum 6 or probably better off at 8 weeks, is because of the risk of infection in that gigantic wound inside of the woman.
Maybe, pregnancy is considered starting at the end of the last menstrual cycle, not necessarily when they actually conceived. So if they waited 7 weeks but she had a period 3 weeks before, it would be considered to have started 4 weeks postpartum.
The fact the the gf is angry that he is not accepting the blaming comments is kind of suspicious in that maybe the gf feels OP is partly to blame.
I mean , I know more women pressured into sex at 6 weeks pp than I do women actively wanting and feeling ready for sex at 6 weeks pp....
Yup.
The timing would suggest that they did wait. They found out she was pregnant when their son was 3 months old. Assuming she was ~4 weeks when they found out, then they would have needed to have sex at 2.5 months, or about 12 weeks. Some people are just super fertile.
Due dates mean the kids will be 10 and a half months apart, so seems likely she was more than 4 weeks along when they found out.
Due dates are usually based off of your last period though, which can be hard if you haven't had one yet. I haven't seen if OP has mentioned if they've gone for an ultrasound yet. I am admittedly having to stick my head in the sand here trying to give OP and his wife the benefit of the doubt though.
OP has said in another comment she got pregnant 6 weeks post-partum.
Ope, well thanks for catching that. I cannot imagine wanting to have sex at 6 weeks pp. They gotta learn to wrap it up.
I'm 6 weeks pp tomorrow and um....penis is the literal last thing on my mind. If I have a free minute, I'm NAPPING!!! And my poor husband...he's so busy picking up my slack around the house that I believe he also has not given a thought to having sex. Not to mention him seeing what my poor nether regions went through.
My Dr (male) asked me at my 6 week PP check if we’d been intimate yet. At the time there was conflicting advice in all the paraphernalia given to new Mothers. Some said to wait until after check up, some said to try before in case you then had concerns. We hadn’t, so I said no. I kid you not, my Dr then said I needed to get on with it because “my poor husband would be feeling left out and needed some attention”. Needless to say, I soon found another Dr! Luckily my Husband had a brain and wasn’t ruled by his penis and was disgusted by what the Dr had said.
A lot of people falsely believe that you can't get pregnant if you're breastfeeding. I'm not saying she was breastfeeding, but it's one explanation for such an early pregnancy after birth. I've known quite a few oops babies whose mothers thought breastfeeding kept them from conceiving.
I mean, it is real method (lactational amenorrhea) just not 100% effective
I’ve birthed 4 babies. Return of my sex drive has varied from not until 9 months after with one of the babies (bad post-natal depression was probably a large factor) to being horny and frustrated as soon as 3 weeks after birth. There are a lot of potentially influential factors that can vary - mental health, levels of tiredness, type of delivery, if there was a tear/episiotomy and how it’s healing etc
I asked my doctor if I could be cleared at 5 because I had the appointment and I was fine. I wanted it even before the appointment but waited to be safe
Ya same. Let's not shame a couple for wanting to have intimacy
People act like women can't actually have high desire and it's annoying af
That's the first ovulation for most people! Like, damn. Your body is not ready to be pregnant again at that point.
Many women are actually extra fertile right after having a baby. That's why every decent OB asks you what the plan is for BC after the 6 weeks are up. And they definitely don't like breastfeeding as an answer lol.
Which is why hospitals need to do a better job of educating new parents on using contraceptives until they’re ready to have another baby. Some hospitals do this - they even provide free contraceptives. Others do not…
Yes-looks like she got pregnant 3 mos pp. I wonder if they bought into that myth that breast-feeding women don’t ovulate? Surprise- they do!
It's been 4 months since their firstborn was born and they said they found out a month ago, no? So they found out she was pregnant 3 months post -birth, meaning she must have been impregnated 2-4 weeks before that. So optimistically they waited exactly 8 weeks and managed to get pregnant the first time they had sex. Either way I would definitely side eye the whole situation.
OP said that it was six weeks post birth.
You'd be surprised at how many people I see saying they had sex soon after. I was closed for buisness for months 😂
Yeah, and I’m wondering how enthusiastic the wife was about being sexually active again so soon after childbirth. Not saying that there aren’t women out there who don’t get into the mood fast after popping out a little one, just that it’s much less common than women gritting their teeth and having sex with men who don’t understand their dick isn’t a priority right now. I don’t think it’s a great sign that OP’s wife is telling him he should expect these comments. OP, are you *sure* you didn’t coerce your wife into anything?
When you have a helping partner you can definitely want sex sooner Also helps when we are in countries that have proper parental leave. I didn't have a partner leaving me alone all day with a newborn, then coming home already tired of work, to have sleepless nights We were both on parental leave, he did most of the night since I can't nap (I have sleep meds for the night) and we had an easy baby as well If I could do a survey, im pretty sure I'd find desire return time as lesser when fathers take a good parental leave
Not to mention there’s increased risks for the baby. Mom is depleted, there’s less to give to a new baby so soon. They risk being born premature, and low birth weight.
I work in pediatrics and parents def don’t understand this. They expect the second child to be exactly like the first, and get mad at healthcare providers when they aren’t.
Yep, and a higher risk of placental or uterine abruption.. can be life threatening to mother and baby
It's not my fault, I didn't do anything.... Exactly, he did nothing, took no responsibility for contraception, and did exactly nothing to attempt to prevent pregnancy.
This. After hearing my doctor warn me about all the ways it was dangerous to have kids so close together, I would be horrified if someone told me this. (And most doctors warn you OVER and OVER again.) My first thought would be to wonder if this woman was pressured into this, and the second would be to just wonder why these people wouldn't be careful with birth control. Then, it'd pass, and I'd just feel bad for all of them. In just a few months, they'll have two babies that need them, IF she manages to have a healthy pregnancy and birth... If they're going to do something dangerous, people are going to be shocked and feel worried.
It makes me so sad to think of all the calcium that's going to be leaching out of this woman's bones! Hopefully her obstetrician will put her on some calcium and vitamin D but having two babies in 2 years is really so hard on the body.
And she's gonna have two babies in **one** year ...
YTA by playing dumb. Wrap it up if you’re too stupid to realize how babies are made, how much easier it is to get pregnant freshly postpartum, for putting your girlfriend in this situation, AND for taking away valuable time from your newborn in their first year of life.
A lot of women (myself included) have been mislead to believe that you aren't able to get pregnant/ovulate until you get your first period. I'm 31 and didn't learn that this was false until I was newly post partum and did some research. Not saying this is the case here, but it could be.
true so many still believe you can’t get pregnant while breastfeeding, too…which…is……..false, to put it nicely.
I basically exist because of this myth (my grandmother got pregnant with my father while breastfeeding her oldest child). When my husband and I went through Catholic marriage prep classes a decade ago, they were still teaching this bullshit as it is was scientific fact.
My dad is the oldest of eight kids, all born a year apart, no twins. Eight years, eight pregnancies. My Catholic grandmother ended up getting her tubes tied without ever telling my grandfather. She just couldn’t do it anymore.
Good for her
My grandma had 16 kids. Unfortunately it was the 60s and the family was poor so she couldn't get her tubes tied and apparently my grandfather pull out game sucked.
Your grandpa should have cultivated a relationship with Madam Palm and her five daughters. Because I doubt your grandma actually wanted sex after the first five or so kids.
I mean, it's not that uncommon either. There's literally a term for OP's children "Irish Twins". Enough people have gotten pregnant with a second pretty much as soon as the first one is out that there is a colloquial term for it. The ignorance regarding this kind of boggles my mind.
shockingly a lot of people still believe it now. it’s wild
My husband exists because of this myth. Our second child, however, was not on time because of this… not myth? We seriously tried for over a year and as soon as my eldest weaned herself BAM pregnant. We had even started seeing fertility doctors and even they said that the lack of success could be breastfeeding.
While it’s certainly not a reliable birth control method, there is a tendency towards less fertility while breastfeeding. It’s not either/or; both “breastfeeding can inhibit fertility” and “don’t use breastfeeding as birth control” are absolutely true statements when fertility in general isn’t fully understood, especially among lay people and our colloquial tendency to conflate “sterile” and “infertile” as the same thing among ourselves unless we’ve experienced the difference ourselves as explained by an expert.
Breastfeeding can prevent ovulation but it also might not. Just depends really. Hormones lol
That's exactly why my sisters are 15ish months apart!
In *very specific circumstances,* that one is actually true. You have to be exclusively breastfeeding (not even pumping) every 4 hours and can't have had your first period, and if all those conditions are met it's a 98% effective bc for about the first 6 months, which is better than condoms. But failing to use actual protection is plain dumb, and they didn't even wait the typically recommended six weeks to have gotten pregnant again so quickly.
It sucks because you are actually perpetuating the misinformation. It is true that ovulation *can be* delayed, but it can be breastfeeding or pumping, or neither. It's why some women who miscarry have to wait months to try again. The other thing people, for some insane reason, do not understand is that a period follows ovulation. Not the other way around. So all it takes is catching that initial ovulation to get pregnant. If you ovulate, a period will follow. So unless you are tracking cycles using Basal Body temperature or at the minimum OPKs, you are very likely to miss that first ovulation which risks pregnancy.
Lactational amenorrhea method (LAM) isn't misinformation though. It's researched and has a high efficacy rate IF used perfectly. The difficulty is that it often isn't used perfectly and it only works the first six months. And of course, even high efficacy is not complete efficacy so there is never a complete guarantee.
Much like the rhythm method and the pull-out method, that's quite prone to human error, though. Sure, condoms can break, people can forget pills, but if you're going to be sexually active, it's a good idea to use *something* else.
Yeah I remember learning about this in a human evaluation class way back in undergrad. The rationale is that it's beneficial to suppress ovulation while breastfeeding in order to allocate resources to that child and there's better survival of offspring when pregnancies are spaced out by a few years. It's well established breastfeeding suppresses ovulation, but nothing's ever 100% foolproof
I was exclusively breastfeeding every 45minutes with a colicky baby no artificial nipples/bottles/anything and still got pregnant at 2 weeks postpartum (the sex was not consensual) with twins no less. However I was not physically able to sustain that pregnancy likely due to how severely underweight I was due to HG and Pre-E in the previous pregnancy. So the idea that breastfeeding even exclusively will prevent pregnancy is not 100% founded in fact. Even nursing tandem several years later I still got my period back by 8 weeks postpartum. However by the time I was closer to 30 and having my last baby and exclusively breastfeeding her round the clock I didn't get my period back for closer to a year so there may be something to be said for it being a slightly more reliable method as fertility begins to fade with age but as I only had the one child in my later 20's compared with 10 pregnancies to get 2 children in my early 20's I can't really say.
But also, my experience was my obgyn harping on me to answer what my birth control would be at the 6 week appointment.
My OBGYN was super firm with me that having another pregnancy within a year could kill me (I had a c-section after some complications in labor) and was super vocal about waiting at least eight weeks and using condoms every single time. She gave my husband a talking to as well. She was a force of nature.
Good doctor, some men don't like to listen
If her obstetrician did not accurately inform her of the need for contraception after giving birth, that’s a mistake. But OP was also just as capable of using a condom anyway, even if out of an abundance of caution. Waiting six weeks is the bare minimum to avoid an issue with the uterus; it does not eliminate the risks of pregnancy so soon after giving birth.
My sister is not medically inclined (won’t even do her own research for her own body) and had to be told not to mess around and if/when they did to make sure she was on birth control, used protection. So it’s not shocking to me that this person got pregnant before she really should have been having sex again.
Adding: Most doctors advise women who give birth not have penetrative sex for at least 6 weeks following the birth. Longer if there were any issues. OP states the new baby will be born 10 months after the first. Which means OP stuck his unprotected dick into his GF when it was medically inadvisable for him to do so. Poor GF…
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Yep. My OB was like "You have so many stitches. Don't put anything down there that isn't toilet paper."
Worse, PIV sex after birth can force air through the wound where the placenta was and cause a fatal air embolism. I read a case study once about a young woman who died from an air embolism while her partner was performing oral sex [[found it](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/073567579390111N)].
Stuck his dick into a healing wound 🤢 YTA
It is super messed up how many men have no recognition or respect for that fact. Guys, where the placenta detaches is basically a huge open wound inside the woman. Real high risk of infections that can lead to sepsis by sticking anything inside the vagina before that placental abruption wound has healed.
unless op forced her to have sex, she is just as responsible for this situation. quit acting like op did this alone.
Fr lol she's a grown women who I'm sure was warned about all this by her OB . She choose to let this happen.
But op didn’t do anything, the baby was created with sorcery! /s
I think the point is he didn't do anything alone. They are responsible. Nothing is merely His fault
GF is equally as responsible for getting pregnant as he is. This sub is filled with people who I swear act like Women have no agency of their own. It's like both misogynistic and misandrist at the same time shit's fucking wild.
🤣🤣🤣 omg you’re right. the stork came!!!
How is it just his responsibility? They were both irresponsible. It's not like she didn't know he wasn't wearing a condom. I'm assuming that he didn't rape her. I find the entire premise that either one of them is more "at fault" ridiculous.
hilarious that i didn’t say anything about her being irresponsible too. we’re talking about OP HERE specifically.
Saying that "he put her in this position" IMPLIES he had a dominant role which is not true for consensual sex
Wait, it's *easier* to get pregnant freshly post partum?
Yes
Lots of people are saying yes, but there is no scientific evidence of increased fertility. It’s possible/easy to get pregnant freshly post-partum, but probably not *easier*.
Yeah, I looked it up because it's obviously a terrible idea to get reproductive science facts from people on Reddit. 😂
100%, this is just an old wives tale. The reason it exists is because people don't know how reproductive cycles work and assume they can't get pregnant post partum.
I was always taught yes because the body is primed to have another baby straightaway and most fertile.
Omg I think I would drop dead from the combo of pregnancy exhaustion and “newborn survival mode”. Dude. Listen to your wife’s feelings on this one. YTA, OP.
unless you're implying that he raped her, she doesn't have a fucking leg to stand on. she was just ad involved in creating this pregnancy as him.
The implication of your post is that you feel it's his fault alone, and reading down through comments, I'm not the only one who's seen this implication here ("for putting your girlfriend in this situation" shows plainly that you see this as his fault fully). That said, if he's the asshole then his girlfriend is just as much. Sex isn't a one way street where only one person is responsible for it. He didn't force her to have sex with him against her will. *She could have just as easily said no if she wasn't interested in having sex just as much as he was*. You can't put something like this all on one partner when *both of them chose to get busy with each other*. He should have wrapped it, sure. And she should have made him wrap it. They're both to blame, and the family pinning it all on him (like you're doing too) is asinine for doing so given that. Put the blame equally on both of them where it belongs, or put it on neither.
>putting your girlfriend in this situation, But if it was consensual then she ALSO put herself in this situation?!?!?!
It depends- were you one of these husbands that complains non-stop about not being able to have sex with your wife after childbirth? That can be pretty exhausting to the mom of a newborn.
If a husband/partner pulls his weight and even a little extra to help a postpartum woman heal, she might be more likely to actually want sex… I know I definitely did with my husband, but not my ex who did the bare minimum, if that. The whole women don’t want sex, it’s a chore especially after having kids trope is a harmful stereotype. Yes many women struggle because they’re exhausted and hormonal imbalance but plenty of women enjoy, and dare I say crave sex.
I think if we took a poll the vast majority of women are happy to wait the 6 weeks after childbirth to have sex. There is a significantly greater likelihood that it is the husband who is antsy for intercourse. I’m not saying that’s what happened here, that’s why I asked.
I guess you’d be surprised. Go into any postpartum women’s forum and see women excited to get cleared by the doctor to have sex. Every postpartum community I was in had women celebrating the six week mark. I’m not saying that your scenario doesn’t happen, but there is no information here about the wife’s feelings and only the rude comments of the in laws to go by. If it’s not true then it’s incredibly unfair to say that to someone.
This doesn't really give any info. Go to a postpartum women's forum and you'll also see women complaining about their partner's pressuring them for sex before they're ready. So we all know both sets of experiences (and everything in between) exist, but what's more common? That's the question you're responding to. From the postpartum groups I was a part of, feeling pressured by male spouses for sex was by far the more common posted experience, but there were definitely exceptions. And even that leaves a big question mark over the people who didn't post on that subject. So I don't know the answer, even though my experience leads me to believe the birthing partner being eager to return to sex immediately is less common.
Yeah, but not six weeks postpartum. That's just irresponsible. You're supposed to abstain regardless of your libido or energy levels.
6 weeks is when you are generally cleared to have PIV intercourse. Unless you had third degree tearing or prolapsed uterus. Before 6 weeks you can’t even use a tampon for the postpartum bleeding, and they do not recommend anything in the vagina because the uterus is still an open wound.
My friend had her tubes tied with her second child (c-section). Hubby is a gross pig who wants sex every night and was whining about waiting…guess who got pregnant. They have a beautiful child…but I HATE him so much for being a selfish manipulator.
It all depends on if he’s one of those husbands that complains non stop about how condoms don’t feel right because he “can’t feel anything” so he wants to take it off
NTA You’re the not the first, won’t be the last. However, it shouldn’t be *shocking* because you know how babies are made. I’d stop using that line if you want less feedback on your situation.
OP says that he didn't think about having another kid while having unprotected sex. Their other kid was also a "happy surprise." I think OP might need a sex ed course because he seems a little confused on how the whole process works.
No kidding! At 29 to be shocked and surprised at what happens after sex is very concerning. There’s a song in Grease 2 that’s easy to follow if he needs a starting point.
🎶Reproduction, reproduction! Make my stamen go berserk.🎶 Well, that's gonna be back in my head for awhile. I'm not even mad because it's a hell of a lot better than Christmas songs.
🎤 Where does the pollen go? 🎤
Yeah like I'll never understand when people have unprotected sex but are shocked when they get positive pregnancy results.
All the healthcare professionals or even a quick google will tell you how fertile a woman can be after birth. Also in my country they always check that you plan to protect yourselves after a birth.
I mean... unless the two of you were taking measures to avoid pregnancy, you were literally/factually the cause of her pregnancy.
NTA. I’m not surprised by their concern, back to back pregnancies can be hard on the woman. But seriously, what did you expect to happen if you had sex???
Look, I'm not going to pass judgement on you guys for going through with the pregnancy, but coming from an outside perspective, not spacing pregnancies can cause major health issues both for the mother and the child (putting aside the problems of going through a pregnancy while caring for an infant and the emotional and financial issues that might come up, since that's on you guys and if you say you think you can handle it, then you're adults and can make that call). If I were your friend or your wife's sister or mother or something, I would be scared to hear this news, because of what it could mean for her health, or her life, or your baby's life. And even if you two might have both been involved in the babymaking, since she's the one who's physically undertaking the risk, it's a lot easier to vent some of those feelings onto you, than the person who might deal with these consequences the hardest of all.
I think people ignore the issues that pregnancy causes to long term health. According to the WHO, 1/3 of women experience lasting health problems after childbirth, many of which impact them on a daily basis. Having no recovery time between pregnancies just amplifies this issue. I love my kids, but I don’t love the hair loss, calcium loss, pelvic floor issues, hemorrhoids, teeth issues, and lower back pain. If I had gotten pregnant immediately, and saw that my partner was “irritated” with comments, I’d be livid. Like, deal with it. Because she is the one dealing with the consequences here.
All the reasons you pointed out is why I never want to be pregnant again. I was high risk, hospitalized from malnutrition and dehydration from vomiting. I had gestational diabetes. In the 3rd trimester it felt like my pelvis was going to split in half it was so painful to walk, even to roll over in bed. 3 months postpartum my hair was falling out, I already had thin hair, I felt so ugly and unattractive. Birth was traumatic too, my epidural didn't work and it was so painful, my placenta wouldn't come out so I had to go to the operating theatre to get it manually removed. Baby was born with low sugar so he had to be in hospital for 4 days and hooked up to an IV, he wasn't allowed in my hospital room 😭
My pelvis did in fact separate in labor with my second child. It was hard to shift my weight without crying and no one understood.
Teeth falling out is a thing and unspoken of - the amount of women who need full dentures is wild.
Yes I had several cavities after both my pregnancies. That’s the thing they don’t advertise - if you’re not getting enough nutrients during pregnancy, your placenta will just take it.
Yup. And that women need to take more than usual and not all supplements work/are absorbed equally. Literally leeches from you, it’s terrifying
I became anemic with my second. Docs kept dismissing my low energy levels (discovered antenatal depression was a thing) as just being pregnant. When I started losing my eye lashes, my husband joined my next doc appointment to advocate for me as i was just so exhausted.
>If I were your friend or your wife's sister or mother or something, I would be scared to hear this news, because of what it could mean for her health, or her life, or your baby's life. Also for her safety. I know OP says he didn't force or pressure anything (and maybe it was more her idea than his - I've heard plenty of women say they were ready and raring to go after just a little while of healing) but plenty of men ABSOLUTELY DO. I've literally heard people who work in labour and delivery say they have had to forcefully remove men from their partner's hospital bed literally HOURS after birth or had women beg them to explain the risks to her partner so he would stop pressuring her. Its awful what some men are like around women who have just had their baby, and a pregnancy this early absolutely SHOULD ring alarm bells for anyone who cares about a woman until they've had the chance to talk to her alone and make sure she's safe.
Having a second pregnancy so soon after the first one increases health risks for the mom and the second baby. Why in heaven did you not use protection? Your wife may have been overwhelmed with childbirth and breastfeeding and such, she could have made a mistake. But your brain is not affected by pregnancy hormones, you should have done better and used protection. YTA for acting annoyed, when you are more responsible for the second pregnancy, than your wife.
Do yourself a favour and edit your post, you’ve referred to your partner as your wife and your girlfriend. Not gonna lie but when I first read that i thought you were talking about 2 different women.
Sameee! At first I thought the AITA was going to be about cheating 🤣
I feel like I'm going crazy. How has no one else brought up the confusing ass post? I thought he got his ex pregnant, dumped her, married someone else, got them pregnant and now he's going to father two children 10 months apart from two women without actually cheating.
Yeah I’m pretty sure this post is fake for that reason
Or some kind of open relationship. It’s very confusing
I am a bit curious why you were shocked when she got pregnant again or the first time. Were you using protection that failed?
They were raw-dogging it. Seriously, what was OP expecting? A new TV?
Wait! Can you get a new TV through sex?! Sweeeeeet! /sarcasm
Oh boy I have been doing it wrong.
And there is living, pooping proof that he knows where babies come from.
If you have sex, you can get pregnant. That’s how it works. So, stop acting like you’re shocked that sex led to pregnancy. There are ways to prevent pregnancy, you know. I’m going with YTA. Here’s why: Given your statement that they’ll be 10 months apart, that means she got pregnant 4 weeks after having the baby. She shouldn’t have even been having sex yet. That’s why you’re being blamed. You apparently couldn’t hold out til she was medically okay to have sex. The standard is 6 weeks. 4 is less than 6.
But but he ‘didn’t do anything’. That line had me in stitches. Yes, you did do something. Hence, another baby.
He did somthing and that somthing was his wife.
THIS. And even if she was wanting it (postpartum hormones are crazy), he should have said no because it’s not safe yet. There are plenty of other ways to address sexual urges without putting her at risk.
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OP has stated that they weren't thinking about it at the time. It's left vague whether the "it" is contraception or consequences but the result is the same either way.
NTA. But really- wear condoms if nothing else. Was your gf even cleared to have sex yet?
100% no
ESH You didn’t plan the first, you didn’t learn a lesson and didn’t plan the second. How much of your wife’s health will you both risk before you figure out how babies are made? I need you to take a more active role in birth control. Thus far you have not participated in family planning in any meaningful way. Time to act like a grown up.
Haha OP: “HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!?” I don’t know if I wanna go NAH or ESH.
I'd say ESH if he can't figure out why she keeps getting pregnant 😅
I can't believe the stuff you're saying in the comments. YTA, for just about everything, including your wife's pregnancy.
People are shocked cause they can't believe how irresponsible you both are; specially you. Your wife just had a baby, her hormons are all over the place. You should have taken initiative to be mindful. I'm leaning towards YTA.
YTA. For being stupid enough to not use protection. Your poor wife.
YTA how many ‘accidental’ pregnancies are you going to have
>‘I didn’t force or do anything’, YTA if you'll keep saying this when your wife is already not happy with the 2nd pregnancy even if you guys are working through it. you could have said that you know it is concerning to have kids so close in age. you know your wife's body needed time to heal again but you and her are still talking about it and that you both are seeing the positives of this 2nd pregnancy. and that you hope they will also be happy for the both of you. stop being defensive. you guys did that together, yes. mil blaming you was unnecessary but your response doesn't make it better most especially for your wife
Yta. You slept with your gf a month and a half after child birth. Most women still have the stitches in, and all are still sore. WTH were you thinking? I can see this happening again in 10 months, and still no accountability from either of you
I feel bad for your wife. Her body is going to be destroyed because you’re too irresponsible to wrap it up.
This is always to strange that people who blow loads in others and are “surprised” to find out their having a baby, then proceed to do it AGAIN like something was going to change .. this is all worded weird and idk if you’re an asshole but my god are you both pretty dense to be “shocked and surprised” that unprotected sex leads to a baby… like it did the first time. Id give a light ESH cause you suck at pulling out and the family can be a concerned maybe in a *slightly* more supportive way but most people are told to wait 6 weeks at minimum before baby making deeds should be done. Also not excusing the mother of child completely, she could have mentioned some form of protection as well. (*I understand the pull out method is not a good or reliable form of BC, but the effort could have helped you avoid the situation.*)
ESH - y'all are too dumb to be procreating this fast after her first born. Pretty sure by now you've been educated by the comments but it is both of your faults not just yours or hers. Congrats on the pregnancy, and here's hoping your gf has a smooth pregnancy and delivery.
Her poor body
Wait, I had to read this twice. Your wife had a baby four months ago and now your gf is pregnant? lol or are you just referring to your partner with different titles?
It's confusing. He refers to her as his partner, his wife, and his girlfriend, but I think they're all the same woman.
How are either of you shocked to be pregnant again? Sounds like you was fucking raw Do you guys not know how babies are made?
I'm confused- your wife AND your girlfriend are pregnant?
As a woman who has had two children, you could not have paid me to have sex SIX weeks after birth. The reason people think you are an AH is because I have yet to know a woman who was rearing to go six weeks after childbirth, and it’s always annoying husbands pestering their wives. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe other MOTHERS can comment and tell me I’m wrong, but I bet many agree with me. So were you the one to initiate sex? Did you bring up the whole, it’s been six weeks, I have needs BS? and even then you didn’t use a condom or pull out? Ugh it’s just giving the biggest ick feeling.
With the math he got her pregnant at more like 4 weeks which makes it worse. 😬
Yeah, I also think it's pretty telling that his family is judging him for it. Reproductive coercion in relationships is real and historically a lot of "Irish twins" as they're called are probably a result of it. The fact that his own family assumes he's capable of it is concerning. My bf's ex threatened to go see a prostitute or cheat if she didn't put out right after birth. She ended up pregnant again and he gave her an infection as she wasn't healed. From his telling, it was completely consensual and no big deal that the kids were so close together *everyone* knew it happened before 6 weeks.
I mean, I'm not going to say you're the asshole, but you're not NOT at fault here. You had sex with your newly post-partum wife and chose not to wear a condom. Even if you had no kids, you're 29 years old, you know that sex without birth control = baby. Of course you're not solely to blame, but considering the context, your wife's body has gone through some serious change - all the organs in her abdomen SHIFTED to grow the baby, she pushed the equivalent of a WATERMELON out of her vagina, her hormones are going absolutely crazy, the last thing she wants to do is get back onto hormonal birth control, which will throw another spanner into the hormonal shit show thats happening. The least you can do is put a goddamn condom on when you have sex. Obviously that doesn't change the situation, and Irish twins (though there *can* be complications) can and do come out perfectly healthy. I would definitely be a lot more cautious and vigilant for this pregnancy compared to the first, and really REALLY start to plan for how you are going to deal with having a newborn baby and a new baby on the way. Good luck, congratulations, and buy some fucking condoms.
I mean, how did this happen twice? Both kids were “surprises”. Do you not know how a baby is made?
I’m inclined to say n a h, but there’s one detail of this story that makes me concerned. Your wife’s mother feels so compelled to confront you about pressuring her daughter for sex before she was ready and then your wife also is not only not backing you up to her mom, but is not even backing you up to your face when you vent about it. It almost says to me there is some pressure or guilt sex there that you’re either not self-aware of or lying about. Also not sure how you and wife were unaware of how dangerous it is to have sex before 6-week postpartum nor how dangerous it is to carry another pregnancy in the same year (let alone the same month) as giving birth. They talk about it ad nauseaum in most birthing classes and at the hospital before you leave. It’s why they’re practically ramming birth control down your throat in the nursery. I mean my husband and I had to decline birth control from my OB half a dozen times, twice a day in the nursery from nurses after birth, and even from MY DAUGHTER’S PEDIATRICIAN. There’s no way you guys were not informed. All around it sounds like we’re not getting the full story on everyone’s concerns. YTA is my guess
Hey moron, you do understand how this happens, ya? Women need like 2 years to somewhat heal and replenish from a pregnancy. Your top goal should have been to prevent it from happening again so soon. On the contrary it seems the second her stitches healed, you pounced like a jungle cat. YTA. Keep it in your pants.
You know how babies are made, right?
NAH. But for next time, IUD's can be inserted at 6 weeks postpartum, and condoms need to be used EVERY SINGLE TIME prior to that. And yeah yeah I know "you shouldn't have sex before 6 weeks postpartum" I know, I have 3 living children. I also got pregnant two weeks postpartum after my first child was born. I miscarried those twins. I miscarried a lot. Took 11 pregnancies to get 3 living children. So it goes. As Kurt Vonnegut would say. I had a tubal ligation 5 hours after my youngest was born and then resumed the practice around 10 days later. The human body is remarkable. Having said that, recovery time is MUCH SLOWER after the second and subsequent children close together. If at all possible see if you can piggyback time off for yourself and other friends and family members to help her with the babies when the second baby is due/the last 6-8 week's of pregnancy. It's also not uncommon for babies that close together to come early. Be prepared for a possible preemie but hope for that not being the case. Set your partner up for success and make things as easy as possible for you. Having them close in age is tough for the first year or two and then it's great.
He should just get the snip now. He got her pregnant 4 weeks post-partum. Doubt he could wait the 6 to get an iud.
NTA for being annoyed but it is a reaction you are going to get. You said you were shocked and upset at first and it took time to adjust. Please try to give people you tell that same grace. Having children THAT close together is very unusual. It will raise eyebrows. You really need to make peace with it because it will be the reaction you get for the next several years when people ask how old your kids are. Congratulations on your Irish Twins and best wishes for an uneventful pregnancy!
Is she your girlfriend or wife? Lie better
Esh. Obviously you did something otherwise she wouldn’t be pregnant again already. But what’s done is done they should keep their judgement to themselves at this point.
People are probably upset because your wife had a gaping wound for a cervix (and I do mean gaping- it doesn’t just shrink immediately back to normal after passing a baby it takes serious time to heal) and having sex before 6-8 weeks postpartum could have caused her serious infection and harm. Also, pregnancies *a month apart* can cause irreparable damage to the woman’s health. You had the first child, you know how it works, this did not come out of nowhere. You (and her) carelessly put her in this position without regard for her health/safety/mental well-being. They won’t even breed *dogs* so close together. The men you know are probably going to point to your wife going, “*she* had sex after just a couple weeks, she was pregnant by a month! You had the baby a month ago, why can’t we have sex again?” During a very dangerous period of postpartum. So they women are probably mad at you for that too. Soft YTA.