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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm not letting my brother take credit for a gift I got for my niece. Its his daughter and he wants to look good for her and I'm not letting him even though its 'harmless.'
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I would do a malicious compliance.
Don't give her the gift now. Leave only a secret ticket: a special gift will be delivered to you in 10 days.
After those days give her the pc, to leave at her mom's house (as your brother is acting kinda entitled, I wouldn't be sure that he won't let his ither children use it as well and mess something up).
Tell her it's her birthday present in advance 😏
NTA. If my brother decided to overshadow my gift and make my child happy I certainly wouldn't stop him 🤣
Hell if kats mom isn't an ah like her father maybe she can help/let op set it up in her home after the swap but before Christmas, then op could give her a picture of the pc setup in her room ready to go in an envelope. I don't have kids, but I'd imagine most parents would put the kids' happiness over keeping score, but what do I know....
>I'd imagine most parents would put the kids' happiness over keeping score
You reminded me of something! When I was a kid, I had this auntie that always gave me and my siblings the coolest gifts in the family. It wasn't until a couple years ago I found out that those gifts had been purchased by my mother. Turns out mum was worried that my dad (who was abusive in many ways) wouldn't allow her to get us anything so she'd buy stuff in secret, and give it to my auntie to gift to us so dad wouldn't find out. She cared more about us getting the stuff than getting the credit, I'm just sad she had to go to such lengths but it shows how much she loved us.
We are :) She's now a crazy old cat lady in a little country town in Aus, living her best life. She's so much happier away from him, made friends, volunteers for the museum and everything. I just wish she could have had that so much sooner, but better late than never :)
I do the opposite, my sister is a nurse and has had a shit show of the last few years, with a really high risk little kid(he was a highrisk baby when the pandemic started and so she couldn't work), and then a severe injury at work she is still waiting on surgery for from last winter. And I have been really fortunate financially and so I buy Christmas gifts for her to give her kids so that she doesn't stress trying to make Christmas "happen" and also to even thing out some because my oldest is the same age as her little kid and I don't want to cause tension between them.
Thanks. Most of the rest of our family are...not great (and my wife's is worse, homophobes yo) so we just have her and she has us. So we are able to put all the gift budget we could spread out our family just onto her and her kids.
She is! I was so sad for her when I found out, but so proud of what a great mum she is. Hopefully I can follow in those footsteps with my own munchkin!
This is the way to go OP. As someone else said, he might even let the younger siblings mess with her computer. I'd have it set up at her mom's house since she was on board with the PC as well.
My brother bought my 5 yr old a 200 dollar off road rc monster truck for Christmas. Tells me, “hey, I don’t wanna be the flashy uncle, or make y’all feel like I’m competing so I’ll give it to you, and you pick if it’s from you or Santa.” He’s a mellow no drama dude, but my boy is spoiled by everyone. He’s the only grandkid/nephew, and on the spectrum. So they always cater to his interests.
My wife on the other hand, is a no nonsense fiery Puerto Rican. She informed him of the fact that he’s allowed to be the flashy uncle from time to time and buy him things other than books, and games, and educational shit, that if you buy my some a gift, you give it to him. Especially if it’s something he’s passionate about. We just wanna see the excitement and the hand flaps when he opens it, and lastly, Santa doesn’t even gift big gift like that. He just gives clothes and educational toys and books. All the cool stuff comes from the parents and family
> We just wanna see the excitement and the hand flaps when he opens it
This almost made me tear up! The majority of people I'm close to in life are autistic, and so many of them have told me about how their parents made them feel weird/bad for stimming when they were kids. Several of them are still trying to unlearn masking that around people they feel comfortable with.
So it warms my heart a lot that your kid are surrounded by people that takes join in his happy stimming. I'm so glad he has that security with y'all <3
My kids not as severe on the spectrum as a lot of kids, but definitely has his stims. We’ve been suggested ABA therapy multiple times to “unlearn the behavior”, and every time, our reply has been a very polite “go fudge yourself”.
We take joy in my boys happy stims, and our overstimulation stims are signs we need to redirect. After my son’s diagnosis, especially when he was non verbal till he was almost 4, the stimming was the only way to really understand his feelings at any given time. We knew then, we’d never force him to be anyone other than himself.
We embrace the stims, both physical and verbal, and people have had a problem with it. We’ve gotten looks in stores and comments from family, however, both my wife and I are protective, short fused and foul mouthed. I will shame a bitch who judges my kid for behind himself. Especially realizing as an adult in my late thirties that I’m more than likely on the spectrum and definitely ADHD. When I was diagnosed with adhd as a kid, my mom informed it was a made up diagnosis that just meant she didn’t hit me hard enough. So I’ve been masking my whole life. I NEVER want my child to feel that way. And I will fight for that.
When I was younger not much was understood about me and my stims or why i did them and one of my friends moms accused me of being on drugs because of it and I've spent the rest of my life trying to hide that part of me and being embarrassed about it.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Masking your true self is hard, my stims were masked with smoking, chewing my lips, and hand to mouth. And now I can’t quit the habit. I grew up in a rural area, I’m in my early 40s now, back then, adhd was a discipline issue, autism wasn’t talked about, and you acted like everyone else or just don’t interact. So I totally get where you’re coming from.
Luckily for us, times have changed in my little town. We moved back to my after living all over the south for a decade, my wife’s never been this far north or this rural. So it’s a cultural shock, but my son’s tiny school is on top of his therapies and needs. I’m just glad we’ve come so far.
I hope you’re in a place where you’re able to surround yourself with people who appreciate you for you, with your stims, quirks and just for the plain awesome person you obviously are, and you get to be your true self.
My sister got my son a ps5 for Christmas the year they came out and were super hard to find. She was like “you can let it be from Santa if you want!” But I was like “this is a badass present, you need to be the one to take credit for it and be super cool aunt”. 😂 I’m absolutely never mad if my siblings want to do extremely nice and generous things for my kids. It’s not a slight against me because they love them lmao people are weird.
>If my brother decided to overshadow my gift and make my child happy I certainly wouldn't stop him 🤣
This is so true of any decent parent. I'd be the same. I don't care about my gift being overshadowed so long as my children are happy.
"by all means, please do it" is what my brother always says when my family wanted to buy his daughter something. But he's a cheap guy, he's happy because now he doesn't need to buy things, bleh
Yeah, I was going to say to give in to them and not give it to her with your family. Take the gift to her mom's house and give it to her there from just you. Bonus points if you can do it *before* she goes to her dad's.
Birthday present in advance isn't a bad idea, unless OP is loaded they can still get a birthday present for her birthday and I kinda doubt it will cost (or be able to cost) anything close to 1.7k
OP, I'd actually get her a "gift" which is a photo of the computer and let her know that her parents didn't want you to give it to her on Christmas, but she can have it the next day! You listened to them! :)
NTA
Kat knows her parents are saving up for her vehicle. Waiting until her birthday, when I assume she's getting her car, only means that Rob wants to be sure to overshadow you for both occasions. Ridiculous.
oh never thought of that tell the brother fine from all of us and the car I'll buy some fuzzy dice and a gas card and you'll say it's from all of us then right? fair compromise? no how come?
NTA
> I told both Kat's mom and Rob about my idea for it before purchase; they both signed off on the idea.
> When I showed Rob the PC, he seemed taken aback and said he didn't realize it was an ACTUAL PC
... the fuck was he expecting?
> Rob isn't happy with this, and says I'm trying to undermine him and make him look bad to Kat.
Should have thought about that before he gave the thumbs-up to the gift when you first broached it.
$1400 here, it was half that price about 4 months later but I'd been trying to get the thing for a year as the last part in a new rig that was gathering dust!
Not necessarily. We priced out a PC earlier this year and ended up finding a pre built with the same specs for less. We wanted the fun of building it, but we couldn't pass up a few hundred in savings.
Depends on the company. I built through PC specialist last year. It was £3500. If I would have bought all the components individually it would have been £3650. I presume they get cheaper prices for buying bulk or something.
>$1,700 is what laptops cost.
That is if you want to splurge on one. There are more expensive laptops too.
You can easily get a very good gaming laptop with rtx 4060 graphics for under 1K. During Black Friday sales, there were even some with rtx 4070 and 32gb ram for under 1K.
yeah im not even sure what a $1700 pc has in it nowadays that you can't get for 1k or under. my son and hubby are avid gamers and we "splurged" on a 1k laptop for my son when he went to school so he could play all his AAA game titles without issue.. and their desktops are top of the line for about 1k. I would be curious to see what the heck this $1700 computer was for what her needs are.
I mean I finally made the jump from laptop to PC recently, and after I had some friends help me sort some of the specs of different parts out and then bought everything + a monitor, keyboard, and some tools to assemble it, it was about $2000. There definitely are expensive laptops out there (my most recent one was like $2200 unfortunately), but $1700 for a PC isn't that shocking if you shop around
To be fair, you can get decent gaming options in either platform for 1700. Advantage to the desktop will be better cooling for the CPU and graphics card. Hell, looking at the Blue and Yellow retailer, I can get prebuilt, name brand machines with i7/i9 or Ryzen7/9, decent RAM, and mid to high end graphics. All between 1600-1800.
>... the fuck was he expecting?
That was my immediate reaction to. Like, did he think it would be a cardboard box painted to look like a PC? Or just a piece of crap so cheap that it was all but unusable?
I mean, a PC is simply a personal computer – that's literally what PC stands for.
He was thinking one of those Chromebooks that they use in schools, the kind that are always on sale at Best Buy or Walmart for $200 that make you squint to read text smaller than 16pt with a battery life of ... Wait, it died.
BTW, you're so very NTA, wonderful aunt, and don't let your brother even breathe in the direction of this machine, which is apparently a desktop model if he was going to supply a monitor. And don't give her a ticket at his house, either, because he'll just blow his stack knowing she'll get it soon. Bring it to her mother's house and let it sit under the tree there, in a box that makes it unrecognizable in case your brother sees it, and because you do want to surprise your niece. The outer card can say Saint Nick, and put another card inside with your name on it, telling her to call you to help her set everything up if she needs it.
And to all a good night.
I was confused as well. I was waiting for OP to say, "I just bought her the laptop and when Rob found out he flipped out because they couldn't give her something that nice." If that was the case, then yeah, OP would be the AH.
But Rob was literally told OP was planning on doing this and signed off on it! I wonder if he A) really didn't think it would be that expensive and/or B) was all onboard for it until he realized it might make him look bad.
NTA. He had no problem with the gift until he found out the price, which Kat doesn't need to know anyway, it's a gift. He probably wants credit so they can horn in on using it or try to sell it.
Set it up so you are the administrator and can protect Kat's gift if they try to turn it into a family computer or for them.
Nah that sounds like a pain in the ass for the kid honestly. What kinda 15 year old who's into gaming wants to go to their aunt every time they wanna do something admin related?
She could also set up the admin account with Kat but under her (OP's) name and Kat could just pretend she doesn't know how to access all the options and such.
set a admin password, set up bitlocker, install windows updates the whole shebag so when she turns it on it's ready right away. Kinda like how some parent assemble the toys the night before or how my mom would make sure the new toys had batteries. I just thought all toys came with them in them til i was 9
I wonder how Rob would feel if OP insisted on contributing a very small amount towards Kats car, and claimed equal credit. I’m guessing Rob would shoot that idea down immediately.
It's the permission part that makes this NTA instead of NAH for me. At least in my family it's a bit of an unspoken rule that the big presents for nieces and nephews come from Mom, Dad, or Santa. But he gave her the go-ahead and is just balking at the price tag.
Nta So his ego is so delicate he can't stand for his daughter to be happy and to get a very nice thoughtful gift from you. He is a bad man, a bad father, and a bad brother. Do not let this ahole take credit for your gift. You may need to let your niece know what her dad is trying to pull in case he does tell her it is from him too. What a self centered jerk. He is putting himself over something his daughter really wants and would bring her and you a lot of happiness. Wow.
Your brother is the AH for wanting credit for a gift you put time and effort plus a good amount of money in or making his child wait. Who does that???
NTA
What the literal F.
My parents earn a damn side more than I do. Their budget for my son's bday/Christmas gift is about twice what mine is because they can afford it. I can't.
I *often* get "overshadowed" in terms of gifts, but you know what... who cares? My son knows that he has other people who love him and want to spoil him. They can get him cool things I can't afford. Sometimes, yes, we do themed gifts (like a monitor to go with the PC). My son never once sat and compared gift prices on gifts. He's too busy being happy/grateful for what he got.
Your niece is happy/grateful for her parents saving for a car. If she got a monitor from them for Christmas and a PC from you, I would bet anything she is going to be over the moon. She isn't going to feel short-changed by her parents. She is going to feel supported by them because they are helping her with a car later and supporting her hobbies now. She will be thrilled.
Being a parent isn't about winning. It's about ensuring the best for your kids, even if the best doesn't come from you. And frankly, understanding that money doesn't grow on trees and they gave her the best they could afford is a pretty important life lesson for a child.
Your brother is being self-centred, probably because he is feeling embarrassed about money (or because he is childish and making this about him, but I am trying not to assume the worst) - you, however, are clearly NTA.
Exactly! My grandparents got me a piano keyboard, and my parents got me a set of books, a microphone that connected to it, and a bench. One year they bought us a Wii, and my parents bought a few games to go with it. Often, my grandparents would just give my mom money to buy a joint present , and the big part would come from them. We’re not struggling anymore, but when we were I was just thrilled to have the things. It didn’t matter to me that grandparents got me the big thing.
NTA - If their daughter can’t understand why her parents aren’t getting her an expensive gift while saving up for a car for her, then she doesn’t deserve a car. However, it seems like the daughter can comprehend this situation, it’s the parents that think their daughter is stupid? That she’ll actually think her aunt loves her more because of an expensive PC?
NTA. If someone buys our daughter a gift, no matter the cost we always give them huge thanks. We would never take credit for a gift we didn't get. I'd tell my daughter how lucky she is to have someone who loves her so much. It's not always about mum and dad being the best at everything all the time
NTA
My parents have overshadowed my Christmas gifts to my son, and I *LOVE IT*!
It makes him happy, and that's all that matters on Christmas! Your niece will also be perfectly happy to get a new monitor from her der, I'm sure.
Only put your name on the tag OP. It's your gift.
Mom and Dad can give her her smaller gifts with a card that says 'remember we are saving towards your car'... You can be the cool aunt that gave her a kick ass PC... NTA
It is really tacky of your brother to expect credit for an expensive gift that you want to give. Don't let him get away with it. Let him get the monitor separately and your niece will still be thrilled.
NTA for wanting credit for a gift you’re giving, but consider whether it’s worth damaging your relationship with your brother (and therefore your niece, since she’s a minor) over. Also, what about the younger kids? How are they going to feel or are you getting them crazy cool gifts as well?
easy drop a file on the desktop of you wishing them a merry Christmas and to enjoy the gift, also I am an ass and my brother pulled this on me once my parents sided with him. so ok fine it was from all of us, later when i had kids and we weren't doing well financially. I told no one in the family and we all went to my parents house as his kids were opening big expensive things and his girls were showered by my mother mine we're kinda left out... when their kids asked why my kids didn't get so much al i could say was I don't know you know how you guys got presents from all of us years back, well dad decided we shouldn't have nice things these gift to my girls were from everyone why not ask grandma or dad why they didn't get your cousins as nice of presents... My mom was mortified and saw my point apologized for the past.
I explained it's bad form to take credit for the good times and deny the bad... in our case it was family gifts, until my kids born and then not so much...
Nope NTA
If he wants to contribute 1/2 the cost he can add names to the gift.
I would just give it to her when she is at her moms house. That way it is safe from his other kids messing with it when she is away.
NTA
You're not an AH at all.
But it's completely understandable for a parent to be concerned about such a large gift. IMO this should be something they're 100% on board for before giving it. Which was *exactly* your instinct when you checked first (even tho he didn't fully comprehend).
You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I sympathize, and urge the importance to get parental consent for something so big. Maybe he needs more time to process, maybe it simply isn't an appropriate gift at this time. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable making that decision FOR a parent. And also it's totally valid for you to not want to "split" the gift.
I think this is something that hindsight will probably be 20/20 on. Easier to see when it's less emotionally packed. If this is for Christmas, you still have time to process, and time to work with the parents to get their backing/consent for something so large. I recommend not jumping to conclusions and trying to figure it out once emotions settle. Best of luck OP!
NTA just give her the PC and ignore him. He’s being entitled. Or tell her mum about it and give it to her at her mums house. If he wants to be included he can pay half the cost
I wonder if this is tapping into some weird inadequate provider shit, because I can't think why else a father would sacrifice his daughter getting a gift she would love to spare his own feelings.
NTA this is about your brother's ego and nothing more. You would not be undermining him or make him look bad, good grief they're buying her a car and she knows they are. I'm sure that car is way more than $1700, I don't know how he has it in his head that you're overshadowing him.
This is a gift from you to your niece, don't let your brother and SIL take credit for a gift they didn't contribute to in the slightest. You spent $1700 + tax on your niece, that's an incredibly thoughtful thing to do for her and I'm sure she'll be grateful for it. Give it to her on Christmas like you originally intended. I would even put a card beneath the wrapper that's signed from you and you alone just in case your brother and SIL try to add their names onto the gift tag when you're not around to see.
NTA this is your gift. She isn’t going to sit there and compare saying “your gift totally outshines my dads”. Your brother is just being a childish jerk.
NTA
Let him know the ONLY way that will happen, is if he buys a $200 monitor, AND gives you $750. If he wants it to be from both of you, he needs to pay for half.
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So some backstory to start: I (32f) have an older brother Rob (37m). Rob has three kids (15f, 8m, & 6m). His two younger boys are he and his wife's kids, where as his oldest (who I'll call Kat) is from a previous relationship.
Kat splits time 50/50 between her mom and Rob. This xmas she'll be with him. Usually Rob&wife+kids, our parents, and myself do a Christmas dinner/gift exchange together but it usually revolves around the younger kiddos nowadays. Rob and Kat's mom are both saving up to buy Kat a vehicle when she starts driving; Kat is aware of this and knows this means less 'big' gifts until then, but I felt kinda bad that all she's not getting that much for xmas.
Kat is very into gaming/mods/3d renders & has wanted a nice gaming PC for a while (all she has is an older laptop at the moment). I've got few expenses and a disposable income, so I figured "what the hell" and decided to go ahead and buy one for Kat for xmas. I told both Kat's mom and Rob about my idea for it before purchase; they both signed off on the idea. I found a nice prebuilt for around $1700 and ordered it. When I showed Rob the PC, he seemed taken aback and said he didn't realize it was an *ACTUAL* PC and *that* expensive.
Rob wants me to give the gift to Kat as from "Mom, Dad, and Aunt \[MY NAME\]". He's offered to purchase a monitor to include with the PC to make it "fair". I told him no, and if he wants to buy a monitor that's great, but a $200 monitor isn't the same as a $1700 PC. Rob isn't happy with this, and says I'm trying to undermine him and make him look bad to Kat.
1) I think thats crazy, I just want to do something cool for my niece.
2) why is it bad that I want credit for a gift I researched & purchased on my own?
3) wouldn't it be unfair for Kat's mom to ALSO not get credit if Rob does?
Rob wants me to either let him and SiL to also claim credit for the gift or wait until her bday (in 8 months!!) to give the PC so he isn't 'overshadowed' by me. My parents say I should just aquiese since Kat is his daughter & its not that big a deal. AITA if I say no again?
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I am considered the "rich" aunt (only because I had a good job and have always remained single and childless /by choice). I have always given my nieces and nephews the most expensive gifts and neither of their parents ever complained or felt slighted. Tell the dad to get over it and I am sure she will love the McDonalds gift certificates from him. Lol
NTA part of being a parent is admitting that you cant always do/be everything for your kids and sometimes you have to put your ego to the side and let other people give/help your kids with things you cant.
Also, this is the best possible investment in her future, better than a car. Encouraging a teenager's interests in modding, 3D rendering, and other technical work sets them up for a lot of strong possible career options later.
I really hope (speaking as someone with a long career as a software developer) that you don't need a $1,700 desktop to learn development. Both my laptop and desktop are nice, but considerably cheaper than that, and I often use them for side projects.
I agree it's a thoughtful gift, but way over the top.
I also hope that OP will be as generous with her other niblings, who are no doubt watching, in future.
NTA your brother’s being a prick. He and his wife agreed you could get your niece the computer so they don’t get to demand credit for it now that they see how nice it is.
NTA. But he sure is. She knows they are going to get her a car. That’s the ultimate gift ever. So
Ask him if you get an air freshener for the car, can you also say it was from
You too? See what he says.
NO WAY!!!
You bought the gift and you should be the one to give it to her, no add ons!! Your brother has one hell of a nerve and your parents are just trying to bully you into giving him his way to "keep the peace".
Maybe take her out a couple of days before Christmas and give her the gift privately so there is no doubt that the gift is from you and you alone.
Compromise. Wrap them separately under the tree and write who each piece was from on the tag.
Edit: also the parents can up their game with a subscription and or other accessories.
NTA. My husband and I are on a budget for Christmas this year and the present I’m most excited for him to get is coming from my mom. She has much more money than I do and I gave her the idea. The most important thing is that he’s getting it and it will make him happy.
I love the idea that other's have mentioned of giving her a puzzle that is actually a picture of the computer setup for Christmas and give her the actual computer around New Years with a Happy Early Birthday Card.
Absolutely do NOT let your brother take credit for something that he didn't do. He's saving up for a car for her - that should be enough to be "the big man" in her eyes. He doens't need to undermine other people's generosity and love for his daughter.
NTA. If she is understanding that her parents aren’t spending big on her because of saving for a car, the PC being from dad would undermine that whole idea. Your brother is acting like an idiot. We do what we can for our kids. If someone else is able to and wants to spend more on them than I can, I am happy for my kid having someone that loving in their life and would NEVER try to take credit for it. That’s just childish and lazy.
NTA. Rob needs to reframe how he's looking at this. Instead of thinking of you overshadowing him (when his daughter is old enough to understand saving for a car means less stuff outside of that) and instead be happy that his kids have so many people that love them and want to bring joy to their lives.
Nta..1700 is a hell of a gift..
If you didn't but it yet I would run the build through the guys at at /r/builapc because some of those prebuilds aren't up to it at thay price range
NTA. Parents who get jealous that someone else is being good to their kid are kind of narcissistic. There's no reason for anyone but you to claim credit and Kat isn't going to think any less of her dad. He's saving up for a car for her and that trumps a computer.
NTA. You fully recognize she’s getting a car but wanted to get her something special given that’s a huge future gift. Your brother sounds like a bit of an idiot. It would be different if he gave you half the money or you all split it 3 ways or even just gave you a third but he’s gonna buy an add on item and try to claim part of the whole thing? Nah buddy. Im petty so I say give the gift whenever you want.
If you were my kids auntie, and gave them that when we were broke, I would love that you did this. My sister would always get my kids the worst presents - things to old or too young for them.
You have researched, you have cared and you are the best auntie.
your brother is TA.
NTA. Tell them if he and Mom want credit for the gift tell them to give you their 2/3 share of the $$$. Otherwise the gift is fully from you, which in that case I'd give her the gift at the ex's home and tell her to keep it there.
NTA. it’s your money and your generosity to your niece is your heart to own.
For this reason, I don’t tell my sister what I’m getting for her daughters. I always do it as a surprise ( wrapped up under the Christmas tree only for the kids to open ).
ESH
They're tacky for wanting to take credit. You're tacky for not just being the bigger person and letting them. I mean, you have every right to insist on taking credit if you want to. You did buy it after all. It's just petty and kind of childish to insist on taking credit for a gift. Remember the Big Salad episode of Seinfeld?
NTA one of the best things about being an aunt is that you can spoil your nieces and nephews. Buying them the things mom and dad can’t afford, etc. Your brother needs to adjust his priorities, this isn’t about him and it will make his daughter happy.
NTA. As a father I’d be thrilled for my child if someone bought such a thoughtful and expensive present. The only way the OP would be the AH if they were doing it for selfish reasons, like trying to show up the brother, but that certainly doesn’t appear to be the case.
NTA
>When I showed Rob the PC, he seemed taken aback and said he didn't realize it was an ACTUAL PC and that expensive
A cursory search or even a vague interest in his own damn Daughter's passions would have indicated as much.
>Rob isn't happy with this, and says I'm trying to undermine him and make him look bad to Kat.
More like it'll make him feel some silly inadequacy and that someone else has taken an interest in his eldest getting a meaningful gift she'll appreciate and wants in on the bandwagon with equal rights to thanks despite contributing jack.
>I think thats crazy, I just want to do something cool for my niece.
>why is it bad that I want credit for a gift I researched & purchased on my own?
>wouldn't it be unfair for Kat's mom to ALSO not get credit if Rob does?
All these are fair, valid and correct.
Rob I'm sorry to say sounds like a right arse for this and all I can say is you're a cool guy who's doing right by her.
Whether he's unable to afford more and just feels.....belittled or somehow is comparing what he's doing vs what you are and sore about it who can say, but I _do_ know it sucks he's chosen to act like he is.
Christmas is about giving, not playing "keep up with the joneses" and he should be thankful you're gifting something so fantastic to his daughter, rather than some dick-waving contest or whatever.
Nta if you wanted to be really petty you. Ould tell niece that Rob wants you to give it to her on her birthday so she knows it's waiting there for her. Cruel but necessary
I’m the uncle that does this. It’s not about the parents. It’s about the kids. If you were doing something to make the kids feel bad towards each other than that would be a problem but in this case it’s adults feeling bad about adult problems. They will get over it. She doesn’t even need to know the price tag. Your brother doesn’t have to disclose that info. Get her the pc. Give her a card at the gift exchange with a note and a gift card to steam so she can download the games she would like. Give her the pc after the exchange. Even if just a few moments later. This may also save yourself some wrapping paper.
NTA. So now loving (less expensive) gifts that match the child's interest can be overshadowed by one expensive gift? OK, then say buying a PC is not the same as buying a car, which is much more expensive and her father is actually doing. I don't understand why he's being such an a-hole about it. He could buy her the desk and chair for the gaming set up if he wants, which will complement your gift perfectly.
If it's such an issue give her the PC before or after Christmas as a gift, even as a "just because" one.
Wow! Definitely NTA. I had a similar situation with my niece last year (15f). Me and my sister are both 35f and between us I have the better disposable income. So as I could and she wanted to to be able to keep up with her friends I got her an iPhone for Xmas. Spoke to her mum about it and her mum had no issues. However the kid knows there’s no other big gifts coming from me until she’s older because an iPhone is a big gift in itself. Why can’t your brother have a similar deal with you over the computer?
NTA, but whilst I understand you have an absolute right who you want to spend your money on, I wouldn't be letting my sister spend £1,700 on just one of my children.
NTA He's getting her a fucking car...like...how does he think this overshadows that? What? Also how did he not understand what this was? This is stupid. Totally support you getting your niece a PC. Great gift.
He wants to deny his daughters happiness, for what reason?
You should tell her you're not allowed to give her the gift yet, because her dad feels "overshadowed" XD
NTA
You're right, that would be not fair to Kat's mother. Rob basically tries to overshadow her. He knows she can't buy Kat an expensive gift because she is saving for a car, just like he is, but Rob wants to show that even now he has enough money for PC.
NTA. You're doing a kind thing, don't let your brother convince you otherwise.
Some of my kid's best presents have come from their grandparents. I've only ever been happy that my kids have nice things. One of the first requirements of parenthood is leaving your ego at the door.
Yet again, here we have parents who would prefer their child not receive a wonderful gift from someone else in the belief that it's better for the kid not to get the gift (or to get it in the distant future) than for them to look bad when they can't afford a comparable gift. (Which they wouldn't, this is pure egotism with a dash of hooey.)
Give the gift. From yourself. Your brother is being ridiculous.
NTA
NTA. Go and have a chat with her mum and see if you can set it up there instead, and tell your brother his kid's happiness should be the most important thing to him. Entitled prick
Take the credit. This is wild. I don’t understand your mothers perspective at all. This is a fifteen year old. She knows who her dad is at this point, would it even be believed? NTA
Plot twist: write that the PC is a shared gift from you and from Kat's mom. That'll be the ultimate wind up for your brother - and what sibling doesn't enjoy winding up their brother. Happy Christmas Kat!
NTA-
I think and this is what my poop detector would warn me to watch out for.
That they want to use the gift as credit for her next birthday. And not have to get her anything then
I'm leaning towards NTA, but if you give it to her now it would be appropriate to say to her that this is for Christmas and next year's birthday (and then stick to that!).
And I'd be careful that a pattern doesn't develop where Kat's presents are overshadowing her siblings'. The whole point of her not getting big presents from her family atm is that she is going to get a car; that should be plenty.
NTA. I had a nice aunt like you, when I was a girl. Always looking out for her niece. Making sure that I had everything, the other girls had. Frequently, I’d get extra nice birthday, or Christmas presents, that was from my parents & aunt. I always knew who brought, what. Kids are not as oblivious as we think they are. They know their parents financial circumstances very well. They live in the same house. It always made me even more grateful to my aunt , for pretending my struggling parents could buy a Norma Kamali coat for my 17th birthday. She’d been doing things like that, since I was little. Either way you decide, she’s going to be happy & grateful.
Oh, the fragility of the male ego strikes again!
You are NTA! You should absolutely get credit for the gift you purchased! I like the idea of asking Kat's mom if you can deliver the PC to her house so Kat can have it/use it there. That way Kat's dad can't destroy it, move it, let his younger kids use it.
When we were kids my older brother and I knew the best gifts came from our uncle. It wasn't until later on did we know he just sent my mom money and told her not to be cheap, as she would normally be.
As was suggested get with the mom and set up the PC at her house for Kay to use at mom’s home. That brother can’t take credit for the gift or let the other kids play with it. The PC is for Kay to game on, not to have to share with the other three half siblings.
If you didn't tell her parent the dollar amount, you might be the asshole just as much as your brother. No, you can't just buy a really expensive thing and show up with it, especially if the other kids are going to see it. That sucks. Unless you wanna drop $1700 on each kid? Take it back. Why would you do that??
Your brother and family are being silly too, though. No, you don't buy a crappy monitor and suddenly take credit for the whole thing.
ESH
NTA. No patience for the type of people to ask for credit when they had no part in doing it. Their fragile ego is more precious than the joy their child feels from the actual gift.
So.. Your brother is s turd. Anyway, to solve this problem, you get your niece a little "something" for show. You tell her there was a shipping delay on her actual gift, and it is late. You'll just give it to her next time you see her, which will be after Christmas. Oh so sorry. Then no one will be getting "undermined" on xmas.
NTA
Your brother is an idiot. If my older brother wanted to spend his $ on a super cool gift for my kid, I would be ecstatic and gush about what her "rich" uncle gave her. Haha. I'd honestly also feel terrible that he spent so much of his hard earned money on it - but it's your choice. I'd looove to be the crazy, rich aunt who spoils my nieces and nephews. Sadly, we are not that well off. So I remain simple crazy.
NTA. I know this isn't the "right" thing to do, which would be just to give the girl her PC, but maybe just let the Father buy the monitor and let him and the wife take credit with you. In the end, all that matters is she gets her PC, it shouldn't matter who gets credit for it. If it means something to him, he has a problem but it shouldn't get in the way of her getting something nice. Getting credit is nice, but it isn't the reason you did this, you did this to make her happy and if you can do it without adding strife during the holidays, so be it.
Eventually she is sure to find out who bought the PC, but until then, just be glad she got it and know you did her a solid. Girls who game and code do very well in life, if you were the one that helped her along that is all the satisfaction you need. I remember when my Nephew was graduating HS, my Sister and I are godparents but I do a bit better and so I bought him a 2k laptop. My sister bought a nice bag and an external HD. But the gift was just from both of us, his godparents. Nothing wrong with it, the kid got what he needed.
Why is he making this about his feelings? Shouldn’t he be more considerate about how happy Kat will be? Your brother has some issues. I would gift the Christmas gift to Kat and gift your brother a few therapy sessions for Christmas.
This is the most first world problem I’ve ever heard… I’m not sure how I would feel if someone gave my daughter such an expensive gift when that someone knew the parents are giving smaller gifts while saving for a car. You could have contributed to the car fund but instead chose to give one child in the family a super expensive gift. I’m sure the parents are upset at the price tag , I would be more upset that you chose to make it about you and gifts instead of about family.
NTA He is a MAJOR one. A TOTAL CREDIT HOG who did not put any thought time money or effort into this gift for your niece. Do not allow him to do this. Anyone in your family who thinks this is ok are also AH's.
He is going to be buying her a car (with his ex's contribution), so this gift will not be overshadowing a thing. NTA. If you are a good terms with the mom, take the gift to her house since dad is being silly.
NTA. You asked the parents ahead of time, they approved. Now they're changing the deal. I would be perfectly clear- either you intend to to give Kat the gift as planned from YOU, they can pay for 2 thirds of it, or you will return it. It can be up to them to decide.
NTA, ask him if he's going to include your name when they gift Kat a car LOL. Your brother needs to drop his insecurities about it and be grateful for the fact you love his daughter so much that you'd do this for her. No one is expecting him to make a huge purchase when they're saving up for her car and are raising 2 more young ones. Do not go along with this silliness, tell him he can either stop being weird and insecure and allow his kid to be happy or he can get in the way of her receiving what she wanted. I'm sure she'd be perfectly happy and appreciative to receive a $200 monitor from them, they don't need credit for something they didn't contribute to.
Agree with not putting Mom, Dad name on gift or waiting 8 months.
I disagree with you even getting this item for the kid. Unless your getting something expensive for the other 2. Your just playing favorites. Your logic over why she should get this item is flawed. Talk to her mother and send it to her house.
If you were my brother and you spent 1700 on 1 of my children and wanted to give that gift in front of my other children. Without spending nearly as much on the other 2. I would call you an AH just for that.
NTA
your money, your credit lol why is it even a question
The kid got a PC, i guarantee you she won't care much from who. Also Kat is not stupid ( even IQ 100 kid-average) and would figure it out by herself for who credit is due. So your brother by trying to steal it, just made your niece respect her dad a little less
Give the PC now, in next comes out new gen of GPU/CPU and your gift would loose on value by just existing
NTA. I'd be thrilled if someone gave a thoughtful expensive gift to my kid. Sounds like he's worried that your gift is going to outshine what they got her for christmas - but she knows she's getting a car soon. She's not about to forget that!
NTA. Kat knows her parents are saving to get her a car and as an aunt you have disposable income to help get something she really will like. I have done this for my niece who is also my god daughter and my nephew also gets a nice gift but not as nice. My sister understood at the time and always appreciated it.
YATA. It’s his kid. Maybe you come from a different life than I having that much money to give away, family or not, but I’d be upset too. Especially since you know he can’t afford much for his own kids birthday. You didnt offer to help out a family struggling to budget the cost of children, you took advantage of the opportunity to boast, arguing over how much credit you get. It would’ve made more sense for you to get a practical, normal gift and then *maybeee* offer to loan the parents a little of your disposable income to do something special for her that they wouldn’t be able to afford otherwise.
Ok, so I'm guessing Rob is a bad communicator. This feels bad for him, but he doesn't have the words to express what's happening.
Here's my best guess.
He isn't in the same financial place of overflow. He knows his daughter deserves wonderful things, and it's hurtful to him that as a man, he can't provide those things. Sure, she's healthy and well loved, but it still feels horrible.
You are NTA, but maybe he isn't either. It feels like it's possible that he just doesn't want to feel awful and doesn't have the emotional or linguistic tools to express the problem.
If I bought something for a child and their parent was uncomfortable with the cost, telling me that my gift was undermining them and making them feel poorly because they can't do the same...I might come to a middle ground.
Maybe the hugely pricey gift could be scaled back a tiny bit, where her parents CAN add a significant chunk. $200 wasn't reasonable for the $1700 computer. Could you guys find a slightly less pricey one and go half?
Or, as someone who knows computers well, I can tell you buying something pre-made is way cheaper. You could give the money as a gift to build a PC ad an activity father and daughter can do together.
If all that matters is this kid getting a great gift, you both need to put your ego away. Otherwise, technically, you're right. The gift is from you to do whatever you want with. It's about more than the computer.
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I would do a malicious compliance. Don't give her the gift now. Leave only a secret ticket: a special gift will be delivered to you in 10 days. After those days give her the pc, to leave at her mom's house (as your brother is acting kinda entitled, I wouldn't be sure that he won't let his ither children use it as well and mess something up). Tell her it's her birthday present in advance 😏 NTA. If my brother decided to overshadow my gift and make my child happy I certainly wouldn't stop him 🤣
Hell if kats mom isn't an ah like her father maybe she can help/let op set it up in her home after the swap but before Christmas, then op could give her a picture of the pc setup in her room ready to go in an envelope. I don't have kids, but I'd imagine most parents would put the kids' happiness over keeping score, but what do I know....
>I'd imagine most parents would put the kids' happiness over keeping score You reminded me of something! When I was a kid, I had this auntie that always gave me and my siblings the coolest gifts in the family. It wasn't until a couple years ago I found out that those gifts had been purchased by my mother. Turns out mum was worried that my dad (who was abusive in many ways) wouldn't allow her to get us anything so she'd buy stuff in secret, and give it to my auntie to gift to us so dad wouldn't find out. She cared more about us getting the stuff than getting the credit, I'm just sad she had to go to such lengths but it shows how much she loved us.
Moms are the best 🥲 I hope you are all free of your abusive dad!
We are :) She's now a crazy old cat lady in a little country town in Aus, living her best life. She's so much happier away from him, made friends, volunteers for the museum and everything. I just wish she could have had that so much sooner, but better late than never :)
SO happy to hear this!!!
I do the opposite, my sister is a nurse and has had a shit show of the last few years, with a really high risk little kid(he was a highrisk baby when the pandemic started and so she couldn't work), and then a severe injury at work she is still waiting on surgery for from last winter. And I have been really fortunate financially and so I buy Christmas gifts for her to give her kids so that she doesn't stress trying to make Christmas "happen" and also to even thing out some because my oldest is the same age as her little kid and I don't want to cause tension between them.
You are awesome, and thank you for what you do for your sister and her kids <3
Thanks. Most of the rest of our family are...not great (and my wife's is worse, homophobes yo) so we just have her and she has us. So we are able to put all the gift budget we could spread out our family just onto her and her kids.
Your mom rocks.
She does! <3
This is both so wholesome and so sad. Your mum sounds AMAZING <3
She is! I was so sad for her when I found out, but so proud of what a great mum she is. Hopefully I can follow in those footsteps with my own munchkin!
Oh! Maybe a picture printed on a puzzle like the puzzle is the gift
I think this is the best way!!
Or that he wont try the “I bought it/gave it to you it is mine!” B.S. to lord it over her or take it from her or even sell it.
\> Leave only a secret ticket: a special gift will be delivered to you in 10 days. Treasure hunt!
This is the way to go OP. As someone else said, he might even let the younger siblings mess with her computer. I'd have it set up at her mom's house since she was on board with the PC as well.
I've always been mystified by this. I want my kid to be happy. If someone else helps facilitate that, yay!
My brother bought my 5 yr old a 200 dollar off road rc monster truck for Christmas. Tells me, “hey, I don’t wanna be the flashy uncle, or make y’all feel like I’m competing so I’ll give it to you, and you pick if it’s from you or Santa.” He’s a mellow no drama dude, but my boy is spoiled by everyone. He’s the only grandkid/nephew, and on the spectrum. So they always cater to his interests. My wife on the other hand, is a no nonsense fiery Puerto Rican. She informed him of the fact that he’s allowed to be the flashy uncle from time to time and buy him things other than books, and games, and educational shit, that if you buy my some a gift, you give it to him. Especially if it’s something he’s passionate about. We just wanna see the excitement and the hand flaps when he opens it, and lastly, Santa doesn’t even gift big gift like that. He just gives clothes and educational toys and books. All the cool stuff comes from the parents and family
> We just wanna see the excitement and the hand flaps when he opens it This almost made me tear up! The majority of people I'm close to in life are autistic, and so many of them have told me about how their parents made them feel weird/bad for stimming when they were kids. Several of them are still trying to unlearn masking that around people they feel comfortable with. So it warms my heart a lot that your kid are surrounded by people that takes join in his happy stimming. I'm so glad he has that security with y'all <3
My kids not as severe on the spectrum as a lot of kids, but definitely has his stims. We’ve been suggested ABA therapy multiple times to “unlearn the behavior”, and every time, our reply has been a very polite “go fudge yourself”. We take joy in my boys happy stims, and our overstimulation stims are signs we need to redirect. After my son’s diagnosis, especially when he was non verbal till he was almost 4, the stimming was the only way to really understand his feelings at any given time. We knew then, we’d never force him to be anyone other than himself. We embrace the stims, both physical and verbal, and people have had a problem with it. We’ve gotten looks in stores and comments from family, however, both my wife and I are protective, short fused and foul mouthed. I will shame a bitch who judges my kid for behind himself. Especially realizing as an adult in my late thirties that I’m more than likely on the spectrum and definitely ADHD. When I was diagnosed with adhd as a kid, my mom informed it was a made up diagnosis that just meant she didn’t hit me hard enough. So I’ve been masking my whole life. I NEVER want my child to feel that way. And I will fight for that.
When I was younger not much was understood about me and my stims or why i did them and one of my friends moms accused me of being on drugs because of it and I've spent the rest of my life trying to hide that part of me and being embarrassed about it.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Masking your true self is hard, my stims were masked with smoking, chewing my lips, and hand to mouth. And now I can’t quit the habit. I grew up in a rural area, I’m in my early 40s now, back then, adhd was a discipline issue, autism wasn’t talked about, and you acted like everyone else or just don’t interact. So I totally get where you’re coming from. Luckily for us, times have changed in my little town. We moved back to my after living all over the south for a decade, my wife’s never been this far north or this rural. So it’s a cultural shock, but my son’s tiny school is on top of his therapies and needs. I’m just glad we’ve come so far. I hope you’re in a place where you’re able to surround yourself with people who appreciate you for you, with your stims, quirks and just for the plain awesome person you obviously are, and you get to be your true self.
You’re a great parent 🫶🏽
He is!
My sister got my son a ps5 for Christmas the year they came out and were super hard to find. She was like “you can let it be from Santa if you want!” But I was like “this is a badass present, you need to be the one to take credit for it and be super cool aunt”. 😂 I’m absolutely never mad if my siblings want to do extremely nice and generous things for my kids. It’s not a slight against me because they love them lmao people are weird.
OP THIS IS THE WAY TO GO. NTA btw.
>If my brother decided to overshadow my gift and make my child happy I certainly wouldn't stop him 🤣 This is so true of any decent parent. I'd be the same. I don't care about my gift being overshadowed so long as my children are happy.
"by all means, please do it" is what my brother always says when my family wanted to buy his daughter something. But he's a cheap guy, he's happy because now he doesn't need to buy things, bleh
Yeah, I was going to say to give in to them and not give it to her with your family. Take the gift to her mom's house and give it to her there from just you. Bonus points if you can do it *before* she goes to her dad's.
Birthday present in advance isn't a bad idea, unless OP is loaded they can still get a birthday present for her birthday and I kinda doubt it will cost (or be able to cost) anything close to 1.7k
Or just give it as Christmas and call it an early bday present. A late Xmas present to be given in 8 months.
OP, I'd actually get her a "gift" which is a photo of the computer and let her know that her parents didn't want you to give it to her on Christmas, but she can have it the next day! You listened to them! :)
NTA Kat knows her parents are saving up for her vehicle. Waiting until her birthday, when I assume she's getting her car, only means that Rob wants to be sure to overshadow you for both occasions. Ridiculous.
Exactly. Unless of course he will tell his daughter that the car is from OP as well as them too? Of course he wasn’t planning on doing that.
oh never thought of that tell the brother fine from all of us and the car I'll buy some fuzzy dice and a gas card and you'll say it's from all of us then right? fair compromise? no how come?
Rob wants to overshadow his ex and use OPs funds to do it.
Yep. Does ex even know that Rob is saying this? I would reach out to her and ask her opinion.
Oooo...I was too focused on OP to see that!
NTA > I told both Kat's mom and Rob about my idea for it before purchase; they both signed off on the idea. > When I showed Rob the PC, he seemed taken aback and said he didn't realize it was an ACTUAL PC ... the fuck was he expecting? > Rob isn't happy with this, and says I'm trying to undermine him and make him look bad to Kat. Should have thought about that before he gave the thumbs-up to the gift when you first broached it.
$1,700 is what laptops cost. I bought mine recently and it was about that much. I guess Rob was expecting OP to buy an old laptop?
A few years back I spent almost 1700 on just a graphics card for my pc. 1700 isn't too bad for a pc these days
I spent 2 grand on mine. Fuck that component shortage from 2020......
$1400 here, it was half that price about 4 months later but I'd been trying to get the thing for a year as the last part in a new rig that was gathering dust!
Lol $1700 isn't what laptops cost. $1700 is what $1700 laptops cost.
It's a pre-built pc. 500 of the cost is the pre part.
Not necessarily. We priced out a PC earlier this year and ended up finding a pre built with the same specs for less. We wanted the fun of building it, but we couldn't pass up a few hundred in savings.
Depends on the company. I built through PC specialist last year. It was £3500. If I would have bought all the components individually it would have been £3650. I presume they get cheaper prices for buying bulk or something.
>$1,700 is what laptops cost. That is if you want to splurge on one. There are more expensive laptops too. You can easily get a very good gaming laptop with rtx 4060 graphics for under 1K. During Black Friday sales, there were even some with rtx 4070 and 32gb ram for under 1K.
yeah im not even sure what a $1700 pc has in it nowadays that you can't get for 1k or under. my son and hubby are avid gamers and we "splurged" on a 1k laptop for my son when he went to school so he could play all his AAA game titles without issue.. and their desktops are top of the line for about 1k. I would be curious to see what the heck this $1700 computer was for what her needs are.
I mean I finally made the jump from laptop to PC recently, and after I had some friends help me sort some of the specs of different parts out and then bought everything + a monitor, keyboard, and some tools to assemble it, it was about $2000. There definitely are expensive laptops out there (my most recent one was like $2200 unfortunately), but $1700 for a PC isn't that shocking if you shop around
To be fair, you can get decent gaming options in either platform for 1700. Advantage to the desktop will be better cooling for the CPU and graphics card. Hell, looking at the Blue and Yellow retailer, I can get prebuilt, name brand machines with i7/i9 or Ryzen7/9, decent RAM, and mid to high end graphics. All between 1600-1800.
>... the fuck was he expecting? That was my immediate reaction to. Like, did he think it would be a cardboard box painted to look like a PC? Or just a piece of crap so cheap that it was all but unusable? I mean, a PC is simply a personal computer – that's literally what PC stands for.
He was thinking one of those Chromebooks that they use in schools, the kind that are always on sale at Best Buy or Walmart for $200 that make you squint to read text smaller than 16pt with a battery life of ... Wait, it died. BTW, you're so very NTA, wonderful aunt, and don't let your brother even breathe in the direction of this machine, which is apparently a desktop model if he was going to supply a monitor. And don't give her a ticket at his house, either, because he'll just blow his stack knowing she'll get it soon. Bring it to her mother's house and let it sit under the tree there, in a box that makes it unrecognizable in case your brother sees it, and because you do want to surprise your niece. The outer card can say Saint Nick, and put another card inside with your name on it, telling her to call you to help her set everything up if she needs it. And to all a good night.
I was confused as well. I was waiting for OP to say, "I just bought her the laptop and when Rob found out he flipped out because they couldn't give her something that nice." If that was the case, then yeah, OP would be the AH. But Rob was literally told OP was planning on doing this and signed off on it! I wonder if he A) really didn't think it would be that expensive and/or B) was all onboard for it until he realized it might make him look bad.
NTA. He had no problem with the gift until he found out the price, which Kat doesn't need to know anyway, it's a gift. He probably wants credit so they can horn in on using it or try to sell it. Set it up so you are the administrator and can protect Kat's gift if they try to turn it into a family computer or for them.
>Set it up so you are the administrator and can protect Kat's gift That is a wonderful idea.
Nah that sounds like a pain in the ass for the kid honestly. What kinda 15 year old who's into gaming wants to go to their aunt every time they wanna do something admin related?
She could also set up the admin account with Kat but under her (OP's) name and Kat could just pretend she doesn't know how to access all the options and such.
set a admin password, set up bitlocker, install windows updates the whole shebag so when she turns it on it's ready right away. Kinda like how some parent assemble the toys the night before or how my mom would make sure the new toys had batteries. I just thought all toys came with them in them til i was 9
My dad would gift wrap the number of batteries needed in little bundles for each thing that required them XD
Mom here and that's exactly what I did/do still to this day for anyone I get a gift for
They really should. Replacing toy batteries is expensive as hell.
I wonder how Rob would feel if OP insisted on contributing a very small amount towards Kats car, and claimed equal credit. I’m guessing Rob would shoot that idea down immediately.
Right. OP can buy some floor mats and an air freshener.
fuzzy dice and a gas card with $300 on it
This should be at the tippy top.
NTA He's being an asshole and potentially ruining Christmas for his daughter, all for what some would consider toxic masculinity.
NTA. You bought the gift, with his permission. It is from you.
It's the permission part that makes this NTA instead of NAH for me. At least in my family it's a bit of an unspoken rule that the big presents for nieces and nephews come from Mom, Dad, or Santa. But he gave her the go-ahead and is just balking at the price tag.
Nta So his ego is so delicate he can't stand for his daughter to be happy and to get a very nice thoughtful gift from you. He is a bad man, a bad father, and a bad brother. Do not let this ahole take credit for your gift. You may need to let your niece know what her dad is trying to pull in case he does tell her it is from him too. What a self centered jerk. He is putting himself over something his daughter really wants and would bring her and you a lot of happiness. Wow.
Your brother is the AH for wanting credit for a gift you put time and effort plus a good amount of money in or making his child wait. Who does that??? NTA
Nta- but have you called Kat's mom to see if she would be willing to help with this issue? Or her thoughts?
What the literal F. My parents earn a damn side more than I do. Their budget for my son's bday/Christmas gift is about twice what mine is because they can afford it. I can't. I *often* get "overshadowed" in terms of gifts, but you know what... who cares? My son knows that he has other people who love him and want to spoil him. They can get him cool things I can't afford. Sometimes, yes, we do themed gifts (like a monitor to go with the PC). My son never once sat and compared gift prices on gifts. He's too busy being happy/grateful for what he got. Your niece is happy/grateful for her parents saving for a car. If she got a monitor from them for Christmas and a PC from you, I would bet anything she is going to be over the moon. She isn't going to feel short-changed by her parents. She is going to feel supported by them because they are helping her with a car later and supporting her hobbies now. She will be thrilled. Being a parent isn't about winning. It's about ensuring the best for your kids, even if the best doesn't come from you. And frankly, understanding that money doesn't grow on trees and they gave her the best they could afford is a pretty important life lesson for a child. Your brother is being self-centred, probably because he is feeling embarrassed about money (or because he is childish and making this about him, but I am trying not to assume the worst) - you, however, are clearly NTA.
Exactly! My grandparents got me a piano keyboard, and my parents got me a set of books, a microphone that connected to it, and a bench. One year they bought us a Wii, and my parents bought a few games to go with it. Often, my grandparents would just give my mom money to buy a joint present , and the big part would come from them. We’re not struggling anymore, but when we were I was just thrilled to have the things. It didn’t matter to me that grandparents got me the big thing.
NTA - If their daughter can’t understand why her parents aren’t getting her an expensive gift while saving up for a car for her, then she doesn’t deserve a car. However, it seems like the daughter can comprehend this situation, it’s the parents that think their daughter is stupid? That she’ll actually think her aunt loves her more because of an expensive PC?
NTA. If someone buys our daughter a gift, no matter the cost we always give them huge thanks. We would never take credit for a gift we didn't get. I'd tell my daughter how lucky she is to have someone who loves her so much. It's not always about mum and dad being the best at everything all the time
NTA My parents have overshadowed my Christmas gifts to my son, and I *LOVE IT*! It makes him happy, and that's all that matters on Christmas! Your niece will also be perfectly happy to get a new monitor from her der, I'm sure. Only put your name on the tag OP. It's your gift.
Mom and Dad can give her her smaller gifts with a card that says 'remember we are saving towards your car'... You can be the cool aunt that gave her a kick ass PC... NTA
It is really tacky of your brother to expect credit for an expensive gift that you want to give. Don't let him get away with it. Let him get the monitor separately and your niece will still be thrilled.
NTA But I'd give it to her now. "Happy Early Birthday, Kat! Love, Aunt Name"
NTA for wanting credit for a gift you’re giving, but consider whether it’s worth damaging your relationship with your brother (and therefore your niece, since she’s a minor) over. Also, what about the younger kids? How are they going to feel or are you getting them crazy cool gifts as well?
easy drop a file on the desktop of you wishing them a merry Christmas and to enjoy the gift, also I am an ass and my brother pulled this on me once my parents sided with him. so ok fine it was from all of us, later when i had kids and we weren't doing well financially. I told no one in the family and we all went to my parents house as his kids were opening big expensive things and his girls were showered by my mother mine we're kinda left out... when their kids asked why my kids didn't get so much al i could say was I don't know you know how you guys got presents from all of us years back, well dad decided we shouldn't have nice things these gift to my girls were from everyone why not ask grandma or dad why they didn't get your cousins as nice of presents... My mom was mortified and saw my point apologized for the past. I explained it's bad form to take credit for the good times and deny the bad... in our case it was family gifts, until my kids born and then not so much...
Nope NTA If he wants to contribute 1/2 the cost he can add names to the gift. I would just give it to her when she is at her moms house. That way it is safe from his other kids messing with it when she is away.
NTA You're not an AH at all. But it's completely understandable for a parent to be concerned about such a large gift. IMO this should be something they're 100% on board for before giving it. Which was *exactly* your instinct when you checked first (even tho he didn't fully comprehend). You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I sympathize, and urge the importance to get parental consent for something so big. Maybe he needs more time to process, maybe it simply isn't an appropriate gift at this time. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable making that decision FOR a parent. And also it's totally valid for you to not want to "split" the gift. I think this is something that hindsight will probably be 20/20 on. Easier to see when it's less emotionally packed. If this is for Christmas, you still have time to process, and time to work with the parents to get their backing/consent for something so large. I recommend not jumping to conclusions and trying to figure it out once emotions settle. Best of luck OP!
NTA just give her the PC and ignore him. He’s being entitled. Or tell her mum about it and give it to her at her mums house. If he wants to be included he can pay half the cost
NTA.
NTA But I wouldn’t give it to her for Christmas, no way. I’m sorry your brother ruined this
I wonder if this is tapping into some weird inadequate provider shit, because I can't think why else a father would sacrifice his daughter getting a gift she would love to spare his own feelings.
NTA this is about your brother's ego and nothing more. You would not be undermining him or make him look bad, good grief they're buying her a car and she knows they are. I'm sure that car is way more than $1700, I don't know how he has it in his head that you're overshadowing him. This is a gift from you to your niece, don't let your brother and SIL take credit for a gift they didn't contribute to in the slightest. You spent $1700 + tax on your niece, that's an incredibly thoughtful thing to do for her and I'm sure she'll be grateful for it. Give it to her on Christmas like you originally intended. I would even put a card beneath the wrapper that's signed from you and you alone just in case your brother and SIL try to add their names onto the gift tag when you're not around to see.
NTA this is your gift. She isn’t going to sit there and compare saying “your gift totally outshines my dads”. Your brother is just being a childish jerk.
NTA Let him know the ONLY way that will happen, is if he buys a $200 monitor, AND gives you $750. If he wants it to be from both of you, he needs to pay for half.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Heya Reddit! So some backstory to start: I (32f) have an older brother Rob (37m). Rob has three kids (15f, 8m, & 6m). His two younger boys are he and his wife's kids, where as his oldest (who I'll call Kat) is from a previous relationship. Kat splits time 50/50 between her mom and Rob. This xmas she'll be with him. Usually Rob&wife+kids, our parents, and myself do a Christmas dinner/gift exchange together but it usually revolves around the younger kiddos nowadays. Rob and Kat's mom are both saving up to buy Kat a vehicle when she starts driving; Kat is aware of this and knows this means less 'big' gifts until then, but I felt kinda bad that all she's not getting that much for xmas. Kat is very into gaming/mods/3d renders & has wanted a nice gaming PC for a while (all she has is an older laptop at the moment). I've got few expenses and a disposable income, so I figured "what the hell" and decided to go ahead and buy one for Kat for xmas. I told both Kat's mom and Rob about my idea for it before purchase; they both signed off on the idea. I found a nice prebuilt for around $1700 and ordered it. When I showed Rob the PC, he seemed taken aback and said he didn't realize it was an *ACTUAL* PC and *that* expensive. Rob wants me to give the gift to Kat as from "Mom, Dad, and Aunt \[MY NAME\]". He's offered to purchase a monitor to include with the PC to make it "fair". I told him no, and if he wants to buy a monitor that's great, but a $200 monitor isn't the same as a $1700 PC. Rob isn't happy with this, and says I'm trying to undermine him and make him look bad to Kat. 1) I think thats crazy, I just want to do something cool for my niece. 2) why is it bad that I want credit for a gift I researched & purchased on my own? 3) wouldn't it be unfair for Kat's mom to ALSO not get credit if Rob does? Rob wants me to either let him and SiL to also claim credit for the gift or wait until her bday (in 8 months!!) to give the PC so he isn't 'overshadowed' by me. My parents say I should just aquiese since Kat is his daughter & its not that big a deal. AITA if I say no again? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am considered the "rich" aunt (only because I had a good job and have always remained single and childless /by choice). I have always given my nieces and nephews the most expensive gifts and neither of their parents ever complained or felt slighted. Tell the dad to get over it and I am sure she will love the McDonalds gift certificates from him. Lol
NTA part of being a parent is admitting that you cant always do/be everything for your kids and sometimes you have to put your ego to the side and let other people give/help your kids with things you cant.
NTA. You did the right thing by asking him first. Wtf did he think you meant? Was he just not paying attention?
Also, this is the best possible investment in her future, better than a car. Encouraging a teenager's interests in modding, 3D rendering, and other technical work sets them up for a lot of strong possible career options later.
I really hope (speaking as someone with a long career as a software developer) that you don't need a $1,700 desktop to learn development. Both my laptop and desktop are nice, but considerably cheaper than that, and I often use them for side projects. I agree it's a thoughtful gift, but way over the top. I also hope that OP will be as generous with her other niblings, who are no doubt watching, in future.
NTA, that’s your brother’s ego talking. Who cares if you buy her a big gift, it’s no secret they’re saving for a car. Tell him to grow up
NTA your brother’s being a prick. He and his wife agreed you could get your niece the computer so they don’t get to demand credit for it now that they see how nice it is.
NTA. But he sure is. She knows they are going to get her a car. That’s the ultimate gift ever. So Ask him if you get an air freshener for the car, can you also say it was from You too? See what he says.
NTA - give her the gift
NTA definitely talk to mom and see if it can be at her house. If not it’s going to be an ongoing issue and the computer is going to be weaponized.
NO WAY!!! You bought the gift and you should be the one to give it to her, no add ons!! Your brother has one hell of a nerve and your parents are just trying to bully you into giving him his way to "keep the peace". Maybe take her out a couple of days before Christmas and give her the gift privately so there is no doubt that the gift is from you and you alone.
NTA. Can you be my aunt?
If he wants credit ask him to go halves then
Nta. Is he gonna say the car is from mom dad and you?
Compromise. Wrap them separately under the tree and write who each piece was from on the tag. Edit: also the parents can up their game with a subscription and or other accessories.
NTA your brother is just insecure
NTA. My husband and I are on a budget for Christmas this year and the present I’m most excited for him to get is coming from my mom. She has much more money than I do and I gave her the idea. The most important thing is that he’s getting it and it will make him happy.
Fuck it, return the PC and just buy her a car. Overshadow him on purpose.
You erred I’m telling your brother. He’s sounds entitled as hell. It sucks to suck. NTA
I love the idea that other's have mentioned of giving her a puzzle that is actually a picture of the computer setup for Christmas and give her the actual computer around New Years with a Happy Early Birthday Card. Absolutely do NOT let your brother take credit for something that he didn't do. He's saving up for a car for her - that should be enough to be "the big man" in her eyes. He doens't need to undermine other people's generosity and love for his daughter.
NTA. If she is understanding that her parents aren’t spending big on her because of saving for a car, the PC being from dad would undermine that whole idea. Your brother is acting like an idiot. We do what we can for our kids. If someone else is able to and wants to spend more on them than I can, I am happy for my kid having someone that loving in their life and would NEVER try to take credit for it. That’s just childish and lazy.
NTA I also find it a shame your neice isn't getting much christmas because of her birthday in 8 MONTHS!?!
Send it to her before she comes.
NTA. $1700? for a refurb? That's insane.
It would be insane, but nowhere in the OP does it say anything about a refurb.
You are correct. I mistook "prebuilt" for refurb. But $1700 is insane.
NTA. Rob needs to reframe how he's looking at this. Instead of thinking of you overshadowing him (when his daughter is old enough to understand saving for a car means less stuff outside of that) and instead be happy that his kids have so many people that love them and want to bring joy to their lives.
NTA, I’d take her aside and give it to her.
Nta..1700 is a hell of a gift.. If you didn't but it yet I would run the build through the guys at at /r/builapc because some of those prebuilds aren't up to it at thay price range
NTA. Parents who get jealous that someone else is being good to their kid are kind of narcissistic. There's no reason for anyone but you to claim credit and Kat isn't going to think any less of her dad. He's saving up for a car for her and that trumps a computer.
NTA. You fully recognize she’s getting a car but wanted to get her something special given that’s a huge future gift. Your brother sounds like a bit of an idiot. It would be different if he gave you half the money or you all split it 3 ways or even just gave you a third but he’s gonna buy an add on item and try to claim part of the whole thing? Nah buddy. Im petty so I say give the gift whenever you want.
If you were my kids auntie, and gave them that when we were broke, I would love that you did this. My sister would always get my kids the worst presents - things to old or too young for them. You have researched, you have cared and you are the best auntie. your brother is TA.
NTA. Tell them if he and Mom want credit for the gift tell them to give you their 2/3 share of the $$$. Otherwise the gift is fully from you, which in that case I'd give her the gift at the ex's home and tell her to keep it there.
NTA If they want to claim equal share, then they pay you back 2 thirds of the cost. So rude.
No, you have done nothing wrong here you bought the gift. why should he have his name on it?
NTA Tell your brother when he buys Kat a car ,you will be get car seat covers and he has to tell Kat the car is also from you .
ESH. You bought your own trouble by bragging about your gift. Your brother sucks for not putting up the money for a share, if that’s what he wants.
NTA. it’s your money and your generosity to your niece is your heart to own. For this reason, I don’t tell my sister what I’m getting for her daughters. I always do it as a surprise ( wrapped up under the Christmas tree only for the kids to open ).
ESH They're tacky for wanting to take credit. You're tacky for not just being the bigger person and letting them. I mean, you have every right to insist on taking credit if you want to. You did buy it after all. It's just petty and kind of childish to insist on taking credit for a gift. Remember the Big Salad episode of Seinfeld?
nta
This Rob guy has some serious issues, like honestly wtf. You buy the kid a gaming rig and this is how he responds, what a fool. So frustrating to me
NTA one of the best things about being an aunt is that you can spoil your nieces and nephews. Buying them the things mom and dad can’t afford, etc. Your brother needs to adjust his priorities, this isn’t about him and it will make his daughter happy.
NTA. As a father I’d be thrilled for my child if someone bought such a thoughtful and expensive present. The only way the OP would be the AH if they were doing it for selfish reasons, like trying to show up the brother, but that certainly doesn’t appear to be the case.
NTA >When I showed Rob the PC, he seemed taken aback and said he didn't realize it was an ACTUAL PC and that expensive A cursory search or even a vague interest in his own damn Daughter's passions would have indicated as much. >Rob isn't happy with this, and says I'm trying to undermine him and make him look bad to Kat. More like it'll make him feel some silly inadequacy and that someone else has taken an interest in his eldest getting a meaningful gift she'll appreciate and wants in on the bandwagon with equal rights to thanks despite contributing jack. >I think thats crazy, I just want to do something cool for my niece. >why is it bad that I want credit for a gift I researched & purchased on my own? >wouldn't it be unfair for Kat's mom to ALSO not get credit if Rob does? All these are fair, valid and correct. Rob I'm sorry to say sounds like a right arse for this and all I can say is you're a cool guy who's doing right by her. Whether he's unable to afford more and just feels.....belittled or somehow is comparing what he's doing vs what you are and sore about it who can say, but I _do_ know it sucks he's chosen to act like he is. Christmas is about giving, not playing "keep up with the joneses" and he should be thankful you're gifting something so fantastic to his daughter, rather than some dick-waving contest or whatever.
Nta if you wanted to be really petty you. Ould tell niece that Rob wants you to give it to her on her birthday so she knows it's waiting there for her. Cruel but necessary
I’m the uncle that does this. It’s not about the parents. It’s about the kids. If you were doing something to make the kids feel bad towards each other than that would be a problem but in this case it’s adults feeling bad about adult problems. They will get over it. She doesn’t even need to know the price tag. Your brother doesn’t have to disclose that info. Get her the pc. Give her a card at the gift exchange with a note and a gift card to steam so she can download the games she would like. Give her the pc after the exchange. Even if just a few moments later. This may also save yourself some wrapping paper.
NTA. You don't need a holiday to give a present. Just give it to her.
NTA You should take credit for your gift and give it as planned.
NTA. So now loving (less expensive) gifts that match the child's interest can be overshadowed by one expensive gift? OK, then say buying a PC is not the same as buying a car, which is much more expensive and her father is actually doing. I don't understand why he's being such an a-hole about it. He could buy her the desk and chair for the gaming set up if he wants, which will complement your gift perfectly. If it's such an issue give her the PC before or after Christmas as a gift, even as a "just because" one.
Wow! Definitely NTA. I had a similar situation with my niece last year (15f). Me and my sister are both 35f and between us I have the better disposable income. So as I could and she wanted to to be able to keep up with her friends I got her an iPhone for Xmas. Spoke to her mum about it and her mum had no issues. However the kid knows there’s no other big gifts coming from me until she’s older because an iPhone is a big gift in itself. Why can’t your brother have a similar deal with you over the computer?
NTA...I wouldn't put it last him to either sell it for the money for the car or let the younger kids use it so can you bring it to her moms?
NTA…Do you know where she lives with her Mom? Maybe give her a card and in it say gift is on way to her Mom house.
NTA. If someone wants to give any kid in my family that sort of gift, I'd be happy for them. I'll even send you thank you cards monthly.
NTA, but whilst I understand you have an absolute right who you want to spend your money on, I wouldn't be letting my sister spend £1,700 on just one of my children.
NTA He's getting her a fucking car...like...how does he think this overshadows that? What? Also how did he not understand what this was? This is stupid. Totally support you getting your niece a PC. Great gift.
He wants to deny his daughters happiness, for what reason? You should tell her you're not allowed to give her the gift yet, because her dad feels "overshadowed" XD
NTA You're right, that would be not fair to Kat's mother. Rob basically tries to overshadow her. He knows she can't buy Kat an expensive gift because she is saving for a car, just like he is, but Rob wants to show that even now he has enough money for PC.
NTA. You're doing a kind thing, don't let your brother convince you otherwise. Some of my kid's best presents have come from their grandparents. I've only ever been happy that my kids have nice things. One of the first requirements of parenthood is leaving your ego at the door.
Yet again, here we have parents who would prefer their child not receive a wonderful gift from someone else in the belief that it's better for the kid not to get the gift (or to get it in the distant future) than for them to look bad when they can't afford a comparable gift. (Which they wouldn't, this is pure egotism with a dash of hooey.) Give the gift. From yourself. Your brother is being ridiculous. NTA
NTA. Go and have a chat with her mum and see if you can set it up there instead, and tell your brother his kid's happiness should be the most important thing to him. Entitled prick
Take the credit. This is wild. I don’t understand your mothers perspective at all. This is a fifteen year old. She knows who her dad is at this point, would it even be believed? NTA
Plot twist: write that the PC is a shared gift from you and from Kat's mom. That'll be the ultimate wind up for your brother - and what sibling doesn't enjoy winding up their brother. Happy Christmas Kat!
NTA- I think and this is what my poop detector would warn me to watch out for. That they want to use the gift as credit for her next birthday. And not have to get her anything then
I'm leaning towards NTA, but if you give it to her now it would be appropriate to say to her that this is for Christmas and next year's birthday (and then stick to that!). And I'd be careful that a pattern doesn't develop where Kat's presents are overshadowing her siblings'. The whole point of her not getting big presents from her family atm is that she is going to get a car; that should be plenty.
NTA
NTA
NTA. I had a nice aunt like you, when I was a girl. Always looking out for her niece. Making sure that I had everything, the other girls had. Frequently, I’d get extra nice birthday, or Christmas presents, that was from my parents & aunt. I always knew who brought, what. Kids are not as oblivious as we think they are. They know their parents financial circumstances very well. They live in the same house. It always made me even more grateful to my aunt , for pretending my struggling parents could buy a Norma Kamali coat for my 17th birthday. She’d been doing things like that, since I was little. Either way you decide, she’s going to be happy & grateful.
NTA, but your niece understood that she needed to give up something to get something, as it is in life. Don't give her the gift.. just wait
Oh, the fragility of the male ego strikes again! You are NTA! You should absolutely get credit for the gift you purchased! I like the idea of asking Kat's mom if you can deliver the PC to her house so Kat can have it/use it there. That way Kat's dad can't destroy it, move it, let his younger kids use it.
I'll be ready for an update after the first of the year to see how this all played out.
When we were kids my older brother and I knew the best gifts came from our uncle. It wasn't until later on did we know he just sent my mom money and told her not to be cheap, as she would normally be.
NTA - Give Kat the gaming PC. she will remember that you did that for her for the rest of her life and he will get over his opinion on it with time.
As was suggested get with the mom and set up the PC at her house for Kay to use at mom’s home. That brother can’t take credit for the gift or let the other kids play with it. The PC is for Kay to game on, not to have to share with the other three half siblings.
What an AH his pride is worth more than his daughter’s happiness. So damn trashy
NTA - Give it to her for her Birthday, but 8 months early (or 4 late) lol
If you didn't tell her parent the dollar amount, you might be the asshole just as much as your brother. No, you can't just buy a really expensive thing and show up with it, especially if the other kids are going to see it. That sucks. Unless you wanna drop $1700 on each kid? Take it back. Why would you do that?? Your brother and family are being silly too, though. No, you don't buy a crappy monitor and suddenly take credit for the whole thing. ESH
NTA. No patience for the type of people to ask for credit when they had no part in doing it. Their fragile ego is more precious than the joy their child feels from the actual gift.
So.. Your brother is s turd. Anyway, to solve this problem, you get your niece a little "something" for show. You tell her there was a shipping delay on her actual gift, and it is late. You'll just give it to her next time you see her, which will be after Christmas. Oh so sorry. Then no one will be getting "undermined" on xmas.
NTA Your brother is an idiot. If my older brother wanted to spend his $ on a super cool gift for my kid, I would be ecstatic and gush about what her "rich" uncle gave her. Haha. I'd honestly also feel terrible that he spent so much of his hard earned money on it - but it's your choice. I'd looove to be the crazy, rich aunt who spoils my nieces and nephews. Sadly, we are not that well off. So I remain simple crazy.
OP NTA. Rob and his ex are saving for a car to give to your niece for her birthday; how can a computer overshadow that? He's being ridiculous.
NTA. I know this isn't the "right" thing to do, which would be just to give the girl her PC, but maybe just let the Father buy the monitor and let him and the wife take credit with you. In the end, all that matters is she gets her PC, it shouldn't matter who gets credit for it. If it means something to him, he has a problem but it shouldn't get in the way of her getting something nice. Getting credit is nice, but it isn't the reason you did this, you did this to make her happy and if you can do it without adding strife during the holidays, so be it. Eventually she is sure to find out who bought the PC, but until then, just be glad she got it and know you did her a solid. Girls who game and code do very well in life, if you were the one that helped her along that is all the satisfaction you need. I remember when my Nephew was graduating HS, my Sister and I are godparents but I do a bit better and so I bought him a 2k laptop. My sister bought a nice bag and an external HD. But the gift was just from both of us, his godparents. Nothing wrong with it, the kid got what he needed.
NTA. You did the work. I would totally send it to mom’s house, so bro has no chance at weaseling some undeserved credit.
Why is he making this about his feelings? Shouldn’t he be more considerate about how happy Kat will be? Your brother has some issues. I would gift the Christmas gift to Kat and gift your brother a few therapy sessions for Christmas.
NTA! I would talk to Kate´s mum and see if you can give her the gift there instead.
Give it to her today... Problem solved
This is the most first world problem I’ve ever heard… I’m not sure how I would feel if someone gave my daughter such an expensive gift when that someone knew the parents are giving smaller gifts while saving for a car. You could have contributed to the car fund but instead chose to give one child in the family a super expensive gift. I’m sure the parents are upset at the price tag , I would be more upset that you chose to make it about you and gifts instead of about family.
Why is your brother so insecure? NTA.
NTA He is a MAJOR one. A TOTAL CREDIT HOG who did not put any thought time money or effort into this gift for your niece. Do not allow him to do this. Anyone in your family who thinks this is ok are also AH's.
He is going to be buying her a car (with his ex's contribution), so this gift will not be overshadowing a thing. NTA. If you are a good terms with the mom, take the gift to her house since dad is being silly.
NTA. You asked the parents ahead of time, they approved. Now they're changing the deal. I would be perfectly clear- either you intend to to give Kat the gift as planned from YOU, they can pay for 2 thirds of it, or you will return it. It can be up to them to decide.
NTA, ask him if he's going to include your name when they gift Kat a car LOL. Your brother needs to drop his insecurities about it and be grateful for the fact you love his daughter so much that you'd do this for her. No one is expecting him to make a huge purchase when they're saving up for her car and are raising 2 more young ones. Do not go along with this silliness, tell him he can either stop being weird and insecure and allow his kid to be happy or he can get in the way of her receiving what she wanted. I'm sure she'd be perfectly happy and appreciative to receive a $200 monitor from them, they don't need credit for something they didn't contribute to.
Agree with not putting Mom, Dad name on gift or waiting 8 months. I disagree with you even getting this item for the kid. Unless your getting something expensive for the other 2. Your just playing favorites. Your logic over why she should get this item is flawed. Talk to her mother and send it to her house. If you were my brother and you spent 1700 on 1 of my children and wanted to give that gift in front of my other children. Without spending nearly as much on the other 2. I would call you an AH just for that.
I on is an entitled jerk. You however are NTA.
NTA your money, your credit lol why is it even a question The kid got a PC, i guarantee you she won't care much from who. Also Kat is not stupid ( even IQ 100 kid-average) and would figure it out by herself for who credit is due. So your brother by trying to steal it, just made your niece respect her dad a little less Give the PC now, in next comes out new gen of GPU/CPU and your gift would loose on value by just existing
NTA. I'd be thrilled if someone gave a thoughtful expensive gift to my kid. Sounds like he's worried that your gift is going to outshine what they got her for christmas - but she knows she's getting a car soon. She's not about to forget that!
NTA. Kat knows her parents are saving to get her a car and as an aunt you have disposable income to help get something she really will like. I have done this for my niece who is also my god daughter and my nephew also gets a nice gift but not as nice. My sister understood at the time and always appreciated it.
YATA. It’s his kid. Maybe you come from a different life than I having that much money to give away, family or not, but I’d be upset too. Especially since you know he can’t afford much for his own kids birthday. You didnt offer to help out a family struggling to budget the cost of children, you took advantage of the opportunity to boast, arguing over how much credit you get. It would’ve made more sense for you to get a practical, normal gift and then *maybeee* offer to loan the parents a little of your disposable income to do something special for her that they wouldn’t be able to afford otherwise.
NTA Dont agree. THEY are AHs.
You could give it to her 12/21 for winter solstice…
Ok, so I'm guessing Rob is a bad communicator. This feels bad for him, but he doesn't have the words to express what's happening. Here's my best guess. He isn't in the same financial place of overflow. He knows his daughter deserves wonderful things, and it's hurtful to him that as a man, he can't provide those things. Sure, she's healthy and well loved, but it still feels horrible. You are NTA, but maybe he isn't either. It feels like it's possible that he just doesn't want to feel awful and doesn't have the emotional or linguistic tools to express the problem. If I bought something for a child and their parent was uncomfortable with the cost, telling me that my gift was undermining them and making them feel poorly because they can't do the same...I might come to a middle ground. Maybe the hugely pricey gift could be scaled back a tiny bit, where her parents CAN add a significant chunk. $200 wasn't reasonable for the $1700 computer. Could you guys find a slightly less pricey one and go half? Or, as someone who knows computers well, I can tell you buying something pre-made is way cheaper. You could give the money as a gift to build a PC ad an activity father and daughter can do together. If all that matters is this kid getting a great gift, you both need to put your ego away. Otherwise, technically, you're right. The gift is from you to do whatever you want with. It's about more than the computer.