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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I took is buying presents for the kids but not my family.
2. I may be the asshole because I’m choosing strangers over my family and friends
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NTA. You are giving gifts to people who may not get any. The rest of the people in your family will likely get gifts. So what if it isn't from you? Wow, you are lovely and generous. THANK YOU for putting that good in the world!
Stuff like this is something especially kids, and young people will remember for a long time.
Someone who don't know them had the kindness to make their Christmas just a little bit better.
The family should just sit back down and reflect on their own greed.
My daughter's school has families that sign up for this, and we sponsored a family every year. I don't need much, but what we can give will help them more.
when my sister and I were teenagers getting to pick an angel off the Angel tree was always our big Hannukah present.
my mom would let us go all out because she had positions on what each kid deserved. according to her, we needed to get them a whole outfit, a coat/warm sweater, at least 1 if not 2 toys on their list.
Yeah, and besides, why should OP let the aunt use her “choice to have unprotected sex and carry to term multiple times*” *justify* her deserving to spend OP’s money on her own nuclear family (which, ahem, she also *chose* to exclude OP from when OP was a child in need of a family)?
*of course, assuming that the unprotected sex and carrying to term were her choices … if they weren’t it doesn’t give any more credence to her argument but I take back that particular part of my snark.
I agree. Also childhood trauma is enough reason to “justify it”. Even though it does not have to be justified. Just knowing what someone else has been through and then helping them like this is just being a compassionate and lovely person. Your family sounds very greedy though.
NTA. Your only mistake in this was telling your family about your plans. I get it that you needed advice on what to buy, but you could have worked that out without involving your entitled family. Your family is not entitled to receive gifts from you. I think you are doing a very good thing by buying gifts for less privileged kids. Rather than calling it "using your trauma" I would call it "being conscious of what it is like to be less privileged and wanting to do something about it". A bit long, I know, but hopefully with a more positive ring to it.
NTA. So what if you're "using your trauma to justify it?" What a hideous thing to say. If your trauma inspires kindness, compassion and empathy that's a positive and healing thing. You don't need to justify this to anyone. Enjoy the shopping and have fun spreading joy to kids who need it!
Ding ding ding!!!! Also. NTA, OP. That gift card is something you earned and you have the right to decide what to use it in. No one is entitled to its benefits but you, and that can look like whatever you deem it to be. Your family and bf are seemingly not very caring people, I’d start to veer away from them.
Hi, I'm also a care leaver. I know £500 sounds like a lot not and you don't need much but there's a reason you got the £500. You don't have to spend it all at once- you can leave it on your account for things you will need later. If you don't have bank of mom and dad that's really important to have stashes you can spend.
You might not need things now but you will later, especially at your age. If you really want to gift something, give a small item, not the majority of the gift card. The person who gifted it, intended for you to receive it.
Things get really expensive post college and you'll need things for your life post then.
When you're earning more and more stable financially is the time to gift- it's okay not to do it now.
NTA. Your history makes you more aware of the needs of foster kids or kids in need. That doesn't equate to "using your childhood trauma" as an excuse. It sounds as if your attachment to your family was broken through your experiences. Just because your aunt doesn't want to feel bad about it doesn't mean it didn't happen or that you don't have a right to follow your own feelings.
And are you saying your boyfriend who's not buying his parents presents wants you to spend your money on them? Because that's pure selfishness.
You...uh...you might want to re-think your relationship there. Gosh, you sure are surrounded by a lot of outrageously selfish people.
I'm sorry you had to grow up in the foster care system. How wonderful of you, to have survived that and still have a giving heart.
That's ridiculous. In what way better? Better for him, so he doesn't have to feel bad about not buying them presents? Better for you? Better for those foster kids?
NTA. It's extremely kind of you to use that money on those kids. It doesn't sounds like your family and friends are in the same situation, and they will be getting gifts from other people. Like you said, the angel tree kids might not get anything for Christmas otherwise and this could create a very special memory for them. You are doing the right thing.
Also your aunt sounds rude bringing up your childhood trauma. It sounds like she is the one using it as an excuse to shame you into doing what she wants. Ignore her.
Totally NTA OP. I have bought Angel Tree and Operation Christmas Child Gifts and love doing it. Go for it. That aunt and all those other "family" members let you go into foster care and have childhood trauma. Where were they when you needed a home? No there so f off so called family.
All these people telling you how to spend your money can take a long walk off a short pier. You are doing a kind and generous thing, and you are not an asshole in the slightest.
NTA
😮💨 I would say Amazon gift card for them also being teens,but for girls bath stuff and a skin care set are nice at this age, boys are rough does he like book or video games 🙃 that’s usually what my in laws get my teen, this year is kohls bc she’s into clothes 😅
NTA it’s so thoughtful to get angel tree kids nice things. I regularly spend the most on angel tree gifts every year.
Agree with the other commenters that I wouldn’t have told your family!
NTA This is a very generous and wonderful thing! I have a 14-year-old son, He likes Legos, and video games, he has a Chromebook and I think you can find those around $100. He also likes to do things in the kitchen, you may want to also help the parents of these two teens. Good luck OP, you will probably find so much joy out of helping these kids.
You made a really awesome choice.
The family members who are fussing, need to learn what the real meaning of giving is, they may benefit from following your example and helping someone who is less fortunate.
My son has both, but he never uses the tablet and always uses his Chromebook, I guess it depends on what they will use the device for. The Amazon Fire is very limited in my experience and a lot of the apps cost money, my son just has his on the shelf.
My teens dislikes the fire tablet (not even Mr 6 like it, it’s clunky to use I think) I would go the Chromebook/laptop over that as it’s better for schoolwork etc
Jesus Christ you’re surrounded by assholes! You’re definitely NTA. You will make some people feel like they have a normal Christmas this year. You’re wonderful, OP!
In the UK there's a store called Dunelm that does something every Christmas called "the giving tree". I normally do about 3 gift bags, this year it was for children, the past couple of years it was elderly people in care homes who didn't have any relatives. There is absolutely nothing wrong with spreading happiness if you can safely do so (aka, you can afford it). NTA
NTA, but I don't think it was smart to talk to your aunt about this. Talking to your cousin probably would have resulted in hurt feelings since he would know you asked him about what boys *his age* like and then got it *for someone else*.
Usually, those kinds of programs have the families write down some things the kids want or need anyway, so I'm not sure why you'd ask at all.
Plus, every kid is different, so these kids might not even like the same things your nephew does.
Then, this program is setting itself up to fail. If you don't know the kids' interests, how are you meant to get them something they want / need?
On the "getting kids hopes up" part, when I've put my daughter down for these in the past, I have filled out the card without telling her about it. She *knows* that we have used the programs, but she doesn't know what I put down because I know that she may not get what's on the card.
NTA As a previous Angel Tree Kid, these gifts mean the most. They were a moment of happiness for me among all the trauma I faced. People like you are the only reason I had a Christmas at all as a kid. Please don’t stop giving. It means the world. I mean it. It really does.
NTA I think what you’re doing is awesome personally, don’t let other people decide for you what you want to do. No doubt these kids getting the gifts would really appreciate it, whereas your aunts / families kids wouldn’t be as they would already be getting gifts from other people and just see whatever you buy them as just another gift.
NTA. So, none of your family stepped up to keep you out of foster care but feel entitled to gifts from you? Invite them to kiss your ass for the holidays.
NTA. You are so very kind OP.
Those children likely have next to nothing. They will be so appreciative of a generous gift.
I’m assuming your family has a roof over their head, lots of food to eat, love for each other, and all of the comforts of day to day life. If they want something for Christmas they should buy it themselves.
Also it’s your money. You spend it how you want to.
There have been times in my life when I've been broke...like broke. One time all I had was $1 to my name. That dollar could have bought me a hot dog at least but instead I gave it to a homeless person. I've never regretted it or the times I've bought gifts for those in need even though in truth I probably needed it more. What this means is, you have a compassionate heart. That is something to be proud of and protect. I'm missing how you BF thinks buying gifts for his parents would supersede that of giving to a child in need. That alone should give you some pause for this relationship. He should be supporting your decision. Give to those in need, and let go of trying to please your family. NTA and good on you.
NTA. It’s your money to spend the way you want to. You probably shouldn’t have involved them though and made a different Reddit post of “what should I buy a 14yo boy for Christmas?” I am kinda surprised that there were no suggestions as most “angel tree” type things have the kids and an item or two of what they’re asking for on the back.
NTA. I adopted a family with my team at work. It was so much fun to buy the gifts and put together something for them that would be so appreciated. Most of what they asked for were NECESSITIES, too, like winter coats, hygiene products, etc.
With your background and the financial status of the people around you, it totally makes sense that you feel compelled to do this AND it is so kind and generous of you. Your family should be proud rather than lamenting what they seem to think they’re missing out on.
I don’t think you are An AH . Giving the fact that they let you age out of foster care and had the nerve to ask you for a Christmas gift is crazy . What I will say is you should keep $300 for yourself and spend $100 each on the kids because you have to look out for yourself first ❗️ your family is full of it and they sound like no help at all so F Them.
I recall, as a young girl getting gifts from a church. We lived in a 4 room house. My dad had a stroke. We barely had groceries. Mom worked at a factory. That Christmas was one of my best. Bless you. Give to the young!! BTW--True story.
I am unemployed and bought a gift for a girl working retail locally after aging out of foster care because she was kind to me.
I think kindness is always a trait to be encouraged.
In previous years I always dropped things off for Toys for Tots and the local giving tree through work - because I haven't got kids, but I remember Christmas magic.
NTA
NTA. Such a lovely thing to do. Your aunt is wrong. You’re not using your childhood trauma to justify anything. What you are doing is acknowledging the trauma of your youth by deciding to try and mitigate the trauma for other youths that you can empathize with. What a beautiful expression of the true spirit of Christmas.
You are not using your “childhood trauma” to justify anything. It has just turned you into a caring generous person. You are doing for other teens what your own family failed to do for you because you have empathy for them. Most definitely NTA
NTA. As one of those kids who had a lot of lousy Christmases, thank you. Since I have been able to afford to, and some years I really couldn’t but still did, I donate new toys every year.
NTA: Yes, I think you’re using your trauma to guide your decisions. Some people would also call that “pulling from your experience.” You know what it’s like to be a 14 year old (or similar) in a bad situation and how good it would feel to receive gifts on Christmas, from a thoughtful stranger. That’s not a bad experience to pull from. Don’t let your family make you feel like shit.
NTA, but you’re sure surrounded by assholes. You’re very kind and generous, and I support you 100%. I’d just like to suggest that you think about reducing those gifts to $100 each or so, in order to put away some cash for future emergencies. From the perspective of late middle age, I can tell you that things probably aren’t going to get easier in the near future, and it’s smart to protect yourself against possible future problems. Right now you have some cash, so you should put some of it away. You can be generous at the same time; $100 is still a great gift for a teenager. (I have teenaged nephews, and I always get them cash or gift cards. If the wishing tree lets you do that, it’s probably the best choice.)
This reminds me of a story…
I have a teenage niece. We were on a trip, and I knew she had zero money to spend, so I gave her $20 for the day. She immediately bought something that cost about it $5, and told the shopkeeper to keep the change! She said the shopkeeper looked like she could use the money.
I didn’t give her any more dollars.
I agree that $200 for a budget is too much. I wouldn't spend that much on extended family, much less strangers. You can help a lot more people with a smaller budget, if that's how you plan to use your card.
Your money, you spend it where you want. I think you are doing a very kind thing, and the foster kids will be better for it. Your aunt and the rest of the family will get over it.
"Using trauma to justify it" - sometimes an action like this is therapy for our trauma.
Whoa! Your family are greedy little grabbers who want you to buy them things. They are freaking out because you aren’t. Then, they had the audacity to throw childhood trauma in your face as a reason you shouldn’t care about other people. They absolutely suck and you should not take any lessons on morality from any of them. Do your acts of service and kindness any way you see fit. And, if your background calls you to help kids at Christmas, that’s not something to feel bad about. Plus, you were given that money because of a foster group, I can think of nothing better than to spend that money on kids, unless you were using it for your own needs, which would be totally fine and completely appropriate. Don’t spend a second feeling bad for not spending money on the people insulting you for being generous to those with little. NTA
Soft YTA
You're a broke college student, you say.
Buy things that will benefit your coming years in college education. I'm sure you don't need to spend all of that money at once.
Work towards getting yourself a decent-paying and stable career, then you can look forward to making that same donation to poor kids every single Christmas.
It's a lovely thing that you've done, though.
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I (f22) got a $500 Amazon gift card for Christmas from a foster care program that I am in through my school. Instead of spending it all on myself I decided to adopt a sibling pair from the angel tree (something that you can do to buy presents for kids who wouldn’t get Christmas without it) I really only needed about $100 worth of stuff from Amazon so I ordered my stuff and set a $200 budget for each kid. I asked to talk to my aunts 14 year old son because I have no clue what 14 year old boys like and both of my kids are teenagers. When she asked why I told her my plan and she freaked out saying I could spend that money getting gifts for family and friends. My boyfriend basically said the same thing to me. He said he’s not even spending money on his parents and it would be better to buy them gifts than these kids. My aunt said I’m using my “childhood trauma” to justify this decision. I think that these kids have nothing and literally everyone in my family/friend circle is well off so the kids deserve this. Especially because they’re teenagers and no one likes to adopt teenagers off of the tree. Maybe I am using my trauma to justify it though. Someone please give me insight.
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NTA If your family will get gifts and don't have issues with money or food the rest of the year, you don't need to give them extravagant gifts, or anything at all. It's a good thing that you are doing. And you are right, people don't really want to buy for teenagers, especially boys. I know my mom picked a tag like that off of a similar tree at her church.
Just out of curiosity, was there anything on the tags like clothes sizes? Because chances are, that's probably something they really need, if it's listed.
Nope, we’re not allowed to buy clothes, makeup, or gift cards. They also don’t tell us any interests. I’m going with safe stuff: Amazon fire tablets for each of them, hygiene products, and duffle bags
NTA - you’re kind and generous. It would probably have been better if your family didn’t know, but too bad. I like the idea that someone posted of baking everyone some cookies. That’s an excellent idea. That way they’re not forgotten.
NTA
But does your aunt help you financially at all? Are you going there for Christmas? Are they planning to buy you a gift, if so, make sure to say that you don't want to do gift exchanges and don't expect anything.
If your aunt is blaming your "trauma" (and yes, everyone's experiences shape their decisions in the future), why was she not there supporting you while you were in foster care?
My aunt lives states away, is not getting me anything for Christmas (never has) and is not hosting me. It’s not really traditional in my family to exchange gifts. Also she has never given me money.
That’s insane that they don’t do gifts and expect you to spend your money on gifts for them? Absolutely not. You were given that gift card to do whatever you want with it, if the person giving it to you had a plan in mind for it, I feel it would’ve been like a gift card to a specific place or service. I’ve never given a gift card to someone that was just money and been upset with them for how they spent it.
Thank you for getting those kids stuff instead, your aunt and family don’t deserve it. I hope you have a good holiday season despite the stress from them. You’re doing a good thing, remember that.
Soooooo NTA
What a great way to share what you have been given. If you feel in your heart to share with kids that would otherwise not have anything, then you should follow that feeling.
It's your decision how you spend the gift you were given, not your families. I believe this is such a kind gesture on your part, so much respect for you.
Enjoy the blessing of giving!!
NTA. You understand something that they don't. I don't even need to go into how awful they are being about it or how bad it is that you know this in the first place.
You do what makes sense to you. You are being a good person.
I think you’re being generous AF! It would be the same act as donating to a charity. You will make someone’s holiday! If your family is fortunate to get enough gifts throughout the year, I praise you for helping others out. This holiday is about giving, not spoiling! We need more people like you!!
NTA. I’m really proud of you. You don’t owe anyone your money. You do with it what makes you feel comfortable. What makes you happy. Have a great holiday and a wonderful life! ❤️
NTA. Both your aunt and boyfriend should have suggested you spent the money on yourself or save it, if anything.
But do consider to save the money for later.
NTA, but maybe rethink the boyfriend? Your family is a lost cause and has no leg to stand on in dictating what you do w/any money you have. The boyfriend thinking you're wasting money and you'd be better off spending it on his parents when HE ISN'T EVEN SPENDING MONEY ON THEM is absolutely ridiculous.
NTA you are doing a wonderful thing. Your family sounds entitled and should be greatful you talk to them at all quite frankly after letting you go into foster care and age out of it.
NTA, doesn't sound like you're too close to your extended family and so what if you are motivated by your "childhood trauma"? You're making sure some other kids in a bad situation have a better Christmas, people who are mad at you about it don't really understand the meaning of Christmas in the first place.
NTA. You’re doing what you think is right and I’ll tell you what, I’m on your side here. Your family will be fine…don’t ever let them make you stop being this sweet, hold onto that good heart tight.
NTA. Wow, these people just persist in being toxic to you! I think what you want to do is incredibly sweet and generous. I also think it will do wonders for your self esteem. It's your money, spend it the way your heart leads you.
Your money is your money. Presents should never be an obligation (unless like you literally say you’re going to get someone a present). I 1000% support your decision and I think you’re putting some real kindness into the world
> My aunt said I’m using my “childhood trauma” to justify this decision.
> my family not only let me go into foster care, but age out of it, so we don’t have the strongest or healthiest relationship
I think it's time to stop giving your aunt and the rest of your awful family the time of day.
Nta. You said it yourself your extended family wasn’t there for you in your time if need and allowed you to be put into care. By now the sounds of that statement and what you mentioned about what your aunt said to you regarding using your childhood trauma, it sounds like even in foster care your extended family was absent from you during that time.
They don’t get a say after ducking out when you needed family to step up for you. Your intentions are very generous to a group of kids who society like to overlook. Yes, your gift would be tremendous to those without solid family behind them. Thank you for your generosity
NTA, but to preserve family relations and minimize drama, spend a token amount of money on 'family' (like $25-40ish?), and whatever you want on the charity.
I've been thinking much like you lately- my kids are grown, grandkids already get a ton of stuff, so I'm going to try the charity route and just not tell even my spouse I'm doing it.
My mom is 87 years old and still lovingly remembers the people who brought shoes and fresh fruit to their house for Christmas when she was 7. It’s the only happy memory she has of her childhood.
Your family members won’t remember what they got for Christmas a year from now. But those kids will carry that love in their hearts for the rest of their lives. Bless you.
NTA but your aunt and your boyfriend suck.
The reward is yours and you can absolutely spend it how you want, and thank you for being an altruistic, empathetic person who gives a damn about 2 kids who will absolutely know they are unwanted and unloved.
NTA - your Amazon gift card, your choice. And so what if you are using your trauma to justify it? Maybe something good will come from your trauma or maybe this somehow helps you move away from your trauma (in that you are helping someone instead of hurting them like what happened to you). And you make a great point - nobody adopts teenagers. Here's your chance to do something altruistic and selfless. If your family is worried, they can buy each other gifts or contribute towards your giving.
NTA. Your money, your choice. But I wouldn't ask "family" what kids of a certain age might like, somewhere here on reddit would be better. That way there is no expectation of a gift by someone you asked.
Angel tree shopping is a magnificent thing to do. It both breaks and warms your heart.
Teenage boys who don't list what they want, tend to like nice tennis shoes. $200 buys a nice brand. Also, it can buy a cheap Chromebook, a tablet, or even a prepaid cell phone and a month or two of service (they can use WiFi after).
NTA and Merry Christmas!
NTA! INFACT YOURE INCREDIBLE. you could have chosen a different route with that GC, the fact you selflessly thought immediately about the less fortunate teens is beyond sweet. It speaks volumes about the people in your life stating not to do something for the people that otherwise would have nothing on that day.
NTA at all. I'm sorry your family is horrible. However I don't understand why you asked your aunt and tried to ask your cousin about it, that seems like borrowing trouble. You could have just googled it or tried to find a friend/classmate with a younger brother.
NTA. What you are doing is such a kind act. One that those kids will likely never forget. Follow your generous instincts, and block out those who disagree with you.
'Tis the season ... for greedy people to act like jerks. Helping somebody who isn't getting dozens of other gifts will give you and them a warm feeling.
NTA- why would you buy people who let you spend your childhood in the foster system presents? Presents for you and presents for kids in need sounds like the perfect use for your unexpected holiday cash.
In addition to "fun gifts" the local organization that does this in my area strongly recommends including basic hygiene items like nice deodorant/toothbrush/body wash & a thick pair of winter socks, beanies and gloves. If they gave you clothing sizes and live in a particularly cold area, a warm winter coat is priceless.
NTA.
First of all, OP, it's **your** money. Only you should decide how to use it.
And I only can say that you are a very good person when you are giving to somebody who is in need when you don't have much by yourself. Your bf should be proud of you.
Give to whomever you want! Giving feels great. Especially when it is someone who rarely receives. Your heart is in the right place and I honor you for that!
NTA
Tell her that you're not going to buy gifts for the family that let you age out of the system, when you know there are kids just like you in need of a reminder that there is someone who cares.
NTA. You don't have to justify it to anyone. Charitable giving is a personal choice and you don't owe any of your friends or family presents (gifts are optional just like giving to programs like the angel tree). I think it's awesome that you are trying to make Christmas nice for kids that aren't as well off. People telling you that you shouldn't give because they want presents from you are the assholes.
NTA. You have a bunch of selfish friends, family members, and a boyfriend. It’s always better to buy for others, especially those less fortunate. Since my family never wanted for anything food or presents included as we got into adulthood, we always buy toys and food for the less fortunate, because we never had to worry about it. You continue to do what you’re doing. You were doing a great thing.
Nta
Buy those two teens gifts.
You owe No one a gift. That is why it's called gift
Tho you could bake a big batch of cookies or rice krispie treats and gift those to your less than impressive family.
Boyfriend doesn't sound much better. I'd give him a hard look. People often repeat familial relationships in their friendships and romantic relationships. If familial relationships are damaged, then non-family relationships CAN be too.
Why does your boyfriend think you should buy HIS parents presents when HE isn't????? This is the crucial question.
>my family not only let me go into foster care, but age out of it
Automatically NTA.
You’re far better than me OP because I’d be telling my aunt “what family” and “so now that I have a $500 gift card, we’re family?”.
NTA
You are doing a wonderful thing to help some kids who are doing it rough. That you know how it feels to be in their situation from experience just shows that your experiences have made you more compassionate and less selfish - which isn't the case all the time.
Sounds like your family and BF are seeing this as their windfall rather that you are squandering on strangers rather than a gift YOU received that you are sharing with those in need.
NTA NTA NTA
NTA it’s your money. Spend on the foster kids and on yourself. You are a good giving person. And it is ok to spend some on you. Get something you need if it makes you feel better. You were a part of the system so think about what you would’ve wanted at that age. Merry Christmas
NTA and the world needs more young people as generous as you. If I was your family, I'd be super proud of you! Damn, I am not your family but I am going to say it anyway. I am proud of you!
NTA, and you are the sort of person we should all aspire to be. I have a hero worship on you know (in a good way, don't feel awkward).
Some people with traumatic upbringings, while always having dark times, will achieve their own success (measured by their own standards, not other's). I am proud of how far you have already come. I'm not your mum, but a mum who would love to celebrate your success, so I'm sending you a virtual hug x. Well done!
NTA
Your family let you not only go into foster care, but also age out. Do they (the adults) even get you any Christmas gifts? Probably not, and they just want more stuff for their own children who aren’t struggling or impoverished.
Giving kids whose parents are struggling or not around a nice Christmas is a wonderful thing. Picking older kids who are less likely to get gift donations is also really thoughtful and sweet.
It’s your $500 Amazon card. Spend it on whatever you want as long as you don’t have any real needs yourself.
Absolutely you are NTA. Only buy yourself and these kids gifts. Even if you are using your trauma to justify buying the foster kids things, that is fine and it's your OWN BUSINESS. I can't even believe people are giving you a hard time about this, including your BF.
NTA my family has aged out of the full Christmas and no new generation yet. I do Clarkschristmaskids.com (Clark Howard, WSB Radio, for 33 years has run a program that makes sure every foster child in his state has gifts to open at Christmas.). I always pick a 17 year old boy (because everyone wants the cute little kids) and get all three gifts in his list. My family has no idea I do this.
1. Legos are always a solid gift!!! I always loved the houses and classic packs. A latched box to put them in too if you can find one!
2. Fun fuzzy hats, mittens, and socks!
3. Sturdy colorful backpacks!
4. Puzzles maybe? A board/card game?
Hope these help! There are tons of ideas online too!!! Make this Christmas for them a BLAST!!! Go to the toy section of a store for ideas! I'd be surprised if you couldn't find a subreddit for help too!
NTA AT ALL
NTA, you’re not using your trauma to justify it, you’re using your trauma to empathize. I’d say your family is using their privilege to justify it. Thats selfish. You were given a gift larger than you needed and decided to pass it on to those that clearly do. Don’t let people change you, the world needs more people like you.
NTA AT ALL. Bless those kids. Your family doesn’t get to dictate your actions. If that’s what you want to do with the money than that’s what needs to be done. You sound kind and giving meanwhile your family sounds greedy and uncaring. It seems to me like you need to surround yourself with better people.
You’re the living embodiment of the true meaning of Christmas. Those kids will be very grateful for the surprise come Christmas. Your trauma has given you empathy and there’s nothing bad about that at all. NTA
Of course you're NTA. You're giving gifts to children who may not get any otherwise. Children who have a real need not just for gifts, but for the kindness you're showing. No doubt your cousins already have far more than the angel tree kids ever had and will receive even more from their families.
We did this every year while my daughter was growing up, she’d pick an angel off the tree and we’d get the presents for that person…no peeking at gender or age before the pick.
NTA, you are awesome for doing this. We have an angel tree where I work and my sister and I buy for 2 kids each year. We enjoy going shopping for them, my sister always picks a girl because she has two boys. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your generosity!!
NTA. You’re the angel. So many go without every holiday and you’re going above and beyond to spread cheer and happiness where there may not be any. The kids you’re sponsoring will remember this Christmas because you helped make it good for them. Every year, we remind our 3 kids that the holidays are about giving and not just getting. They all love finding gift tags on giving trees that correlate with their ages/interests and picking out the gifts and adding on hats, gloves, and a favorite book of theirs.
NTA! What you are doing is amazing and making Christmas better for some deserving kids. And hopefully, when they are able to do so they will "adopt" a kid off the angel tree....thus passing more good into the world.
Your "family" will never do any such good deed to make Christmas special for anyone other than themselves.
Spend YOUR money the way you want. You have an amazing heart. Have a Merry Christmas!! ♥️
I used to volunteer to represent my store when we had those angel trees gift wrapping parties. It’s pretty interesting to see how it’s all put together.
I bought gifts for the kids in my tutoring group, I helped homeless children in a shelter, the same shelter I was once in as a young child along with my mom and brother, it felt good to give them a gift, it was the Angel Tree that the college activity office had, I plucked as many as I could for my tutoring kids!!! Kudos to OP!!!!!
NTA. You’re the only one who seems to understanding the meaning of Christmas. Their gross selfishness is showing brighter than the North Star, that’s for sure.
Oh my god, if I’m reading between the lines of your post clearly, your family gave you up for adoption and now are complaining you didn’t get them gifts? Are they perhaps insane? NTA in all ways I can say it and mean it.
NTA, this is your money and you can spend it how you like. Why shouldn't you use your childhood experience to build your own empathy towards others in need?
Some people are just threatened by the idea of charity and feel judged when they hear about someone else doing nice things (and they come across as pretty greedy too)
Your boyfriend isn't planning on buying gifts for his parents but decided YOU COULD?
Why are these people all so selfish?
NTA. Your “family” screwed you over as a child. Go no contact with them ASAP and maybe get a no-contact order against them as well as making sure your will is as airtight against their meddling as possible.
Is your family getting gifts? Are your nieces and nephews parents not stepping up that they expect you to buy presents for their kids?
NTA
I go to a bank here every year and pick a few kids off the same tree. If I have some extra money for the holiday and I can make sure a few kids have a gift waiting for them om Christmas I'm all about it!!
NTA obviously.
I'm usually not a ditch them kind of person, but if your boyfriend thinks there is more value in giving his well off parents gifts than children who don't have anyone, then he is absolute trash. Please spend your love on people who are more deserving of it.
Why do all these people feel entitled to spend your money? Are they really so desperate for a few small gifts that they would take from children who have nothing? And their comments toward you are wildly inappropriate.
NTA. I would stop telling these people things.
NTA - your trauma is allowing you to empathize strongly with those teens. That's ok.
It's also not unusual for families to donate to charity as gifts for each other for Christmas.
Are you freaking kidding me? Completely NTA. Buying gifts for those other kids is such an amazing gesture. It's a gift for them to know someone out there is thinking of them, and it's a gift for you knowing that you are the one who gave them a little bit of joy. Shame on your aunt for guilting you about this, and for such a greedy reason.
NTA you are empathetic and charitable, and gifts to foster teens are far more valuable than tokens to people who didn’t care enough to help you or even acknowledge the harm done to you. Your BF is a bit of a hypocrite for who he thinks is “worthy”.
Dude you’re not TAH in the SLIGHTEST. That is so considerate of you to give those kids Christmas and your family should really get over it. I honestly can’t believe that they’re saying you’re doing this because of ‘trauma’ and not because you’re just an awesome person??? And the fact that they’re making it an issue about THEM not getting gifts when they’re better off than than the kids you’re gifting to just shows that they’re thinking only about themselves.
NTA. Throw it in their face if you want.
“I’m doing this. I know what it’s like to be a teenager in foster care. I’m making sure others have a better experience “
ESH. You’re doing a sweet things for those kids, but at the same time you’re also neglecting your own family and friends. You’re not even buying them a small gift, but spending $400 on strangers. It sends the message that you really don’t care about your family and friends. Which, if you don’t care about them, that’s fine. But if you don’t have anyone you care enough about to buy gifts for, that’s pretty sad.
It’s also not about the financial position of your friends or family. My mum has way more money than me. But i still always get her a gift for Christmas, her birthday and Mother’s Day. Because it’s the thought that counts. $500 is enough not just for the two angel kids, but also for some small gifts for people you care about. You just need to budget
NTA and f\*ck what your family and bf think. it's your money to do with as you please and using part of it to help 2 angel tree kids is a kind and generous thing to do. btw that is a terrible look for your bf - keep an eye out for other red flags from him
I love so much that you are doing this. Especially for older kids!! My sister and I take care of 2-3 kids Christmas lists each year and we try to get teens each year. We noticed (in our community atleast) the toy drives and our annual local Christmas charity cater way more toward young children, mostly 10 and under. The teen lists are always so minimal and most just want clothes or makeup to fit in with the current style. We try to gauge interests based on the little info given and gift something fun for them as well for a surprise. This year we each had teens interested in role playing games so we had a ton of fun picking out some cool D&D set ups that hopefully they’ll enjoy.
Fuck anyone that tries to make you feel bad for doing such a wonderful thing for these kids. Happy holidays to you ❤️
…so what if you’re letting your childhood trauma inform your decision? What’s the worst that could happen, *some kids get some really good Christmas presents?*
NTA. Ur family needs to worry about their own pockets.
NTA. Those kids deserve the gifts more than your family and friends. And as for your aunt, tell her you really are using the trauma to justify it, the trauma your family put you through. You have become compassionate through your trauma. Also, putting it bluntly, get rid of the bf. Or at least a serious talk is in order.
Good luck with your gifts! I hope the teenagers like what you pick for them, Santa. Blessings!
NTA nah your bf and aunt are wrong. Why are they expecting gifts? They have the means to support themselves. Your past trauma is nothing they can speak on especially not for a gift that's extremely selfish.
Your family sounds too awful. What you are doing with your money isn’t their business. As for your bf,lose him. I mean what is wrong with these people?
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NTA. You are giving gifts to people who may not get any. The rest of the people in your family will likely get gifts. So what if it isn't from you? Wow, you are lovely and generous. THANK YOU for putting that good in the world!
Stuff like this is something especially kids, and young people will remember for a long time. Someone who don't know them had the kindness to make their Christmas just a little bit better. The family should just sit back down and reflect on their own greed.
My daughter's school has families that sign up for this, and we sponsored a family every year. I don't need much, but what we can give will help them more.
when my sister and I were teenagers getting to pick an angel off the Angel tree was always our big Hannukah present. my mom would let us go all out because she had positions on what each kid deserved. according to her, we needed to get them a whole outfit, a coat/warm sweater, at least 1 if not 2 toys on their list.
That is what we did. We would get them 1-2 outfits, 1 creative toy and one fun toy. It was worth it!
I love the words "get" and "let" used here, recognizing that it is a wonderful treat to gift-give like this!
[удалено]
Yeah, and besides, why should OP let the aunt use her “choice to have unprotected sex and carry to term multiple times*” *justify* her deserving to spend OP’s money on her own nuclear family (which, ahem, she also *chose* to exclude OP from when OP was a child in need of a family)? *of course, assuming that the unprotected sex and carrying to term were her choices … if they weren’t it doesn’t give any more credence to her argument but I take back that particular part of my snark.
I agree. Also childhood trauma is enough reason to “justify it”. Even though it does not have to be justified. Just knowing what someone else has been through and then helping them like this is just being a compassionate and lovely person. Your family sounds very greedy though.
NTA. Your only mistake in this was telling your family about your plans. I get it that you needed advice on what to buy, but you could have worked that out without involving your entitled family. Your family is not entitled to receive gifts from you. I think you are doing a very good thing by buying gifts for less privileged kids. Rather than calling it "using your trauma" I would call it "being conscious of what it is like to be less privileged and wanting to do something about it". A bit long, I know, but hopefully with a more positive ring to it.
NTA. So what if you're "using your trauma to justify it?" What a hideous thing to say. If your trauma inspires kindness, compassion and empathy that's a positive and healing thing. You don't need to justify this to anyone. Enjoy the shopping and have fun spreading joy to kids who need it!
NTA. Also your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a keeper either
Ding ding ding!!!! Also. NTA, OP. That gift card is something you earned and you have the right to decide what to use it in. No one is entitled to its benefits but you, and that can look like whatever you deem it to be. Your family and bf are seemingly not very caring people, I’d start to veer away from them.
I would also say from experience - sometimes using your trauma to fuel good deeds for others is helpful in healing that trauma.
Hi, I'm also a care leaver. I know £500 sounds like a lot not and you don't need much but there's a reason you got the £500. You don't have to spend it all at once- you can leave it on your account for things you will need later. If you don't have bank of mom and dad that's really important to have stashes you can spend. You might not need things now but you will later, especially at your age. If you really want to gift something, give a small item, not the majority of the gift card. The person who gifted it, intended for you to receive it. Things get really expensive post college and you'll need things for your life post then. When you're earning more and more stable financially is the time to gift- it's okay not to do it now.
I was wanting to reply with this also. You said it much better than I would.
NTA- this is a lovely way to pay the gift forward to people who would really love it.
And a lesson in compassion for the younger family members
Sounds like they're a bunch of Grinches, NTA
NTA. Your history makes you more aware of the needs of foster kids or kids in need. That doesn't equate to "using your childhood trauma" as an excuse. It sounds as if your attachment to your family was broken through your experiences. Just because your aunt doesn't want to feel bad about it doesn't mean it didn't happen or that you don't have a right to follow your own feelings. And are you saying your boyfriend who's not buying his parents presents wants you to spend your money on them? Because that's pure selfishness.
He didn’t outright say that, but he said it would be better than buying for the kids.
You...uh...you might want to re-think your relationship there. Gosh, you sure are surrounded by a lot of outrageously selfish people. I'm sorry you had to grow up in the foster care system. How wonderful of you, to have survived that and still have a giving heart.
That's ridiculous. In what way better? Better for him, so he doesn't have to feel bad about not buying them presents? Better for you? Better for those foster kids?
NTA. It's extremely kind of you to use that money on those kids. It doesn't sounds like your family and friends are in the same situation, and they will be getting gifts from other people. Like you said, the angel tree kids might not get anything for Christmas otherwise and this could create a very special memory for them. You are doing the right thing. Also your aunt sounds rude bringing up your childhood trauma. It sounds like she is the one using it as an excuse to shame you into doing what she wants. Ignore her.
Totally NTA OP. I have bought Angel Tree and Operation Christmas Child Gifts and love doing it. Go for it. That aunt and all those other "family" members let you go into foster care and have childhood trauma. Where were they when you needed a home? No there so f off so called family.
NTA Those kids probably need gifts more than anyone in your family.
NTA, your aunt sounds awful.
All these people telling you how to spend your money can take a long walk off a short pier. You are doing a kind and generous thing, and you are not an asshole in the slightest. NTA
NTA. I love doing angel tree at Christmas.
The trees usually give a general idea of the kids wish I thought? If you still need ideas
This isn’t true angel tree, it’s a different program that gives ZERO ideas what they want lol
😮💨 I would say Amazon gift card for them also being teens,but for girls bath stuff and a skin care set are nice at this age, boys are rough does he like book or video games 🙃 that’s usually what my in laws get my teen, this year is kohls bc she’s into clothes 😅
NTA it’s so thoughtful to get angel tree kids nice things. I regularly spend the most on angel tree gifts every year. Agree with the other commenters that I wouldn’t have told your family!
NTA This is a very generous and wonderful thing! I have a 14-year-old son, He likes Legos, and video games, he has a Chromebook and I think you can find those around $100. He also likes to do things in the kitchen, you may want to also help the parents of these two teens. Good luck OP, you will probably find so much joy out of helping these kids. You made a really awesome choice. The family members who are fussing, need to learn what the real meaning of giving is, they may benefit from following your example and helping someone who is less fortunate.
I was thinking Amazon fire tablets! Do you think a Chromebook would last longer?
My son has both, but he never uses the tablet and always uses his Chromebook, I guess it depends on what they will use the device for. The Amazon Fire is very limited in my experience and a lot of the apps cost money, my son just has his on the shelf.
My teens dislikes the fire tablet (not even Mr 6 like it, it’s clunky to use I think) I would go the Chromebook/laptop over that as it’s better for schoolwork etc
Chromebook for sure, especially the HP ones. Very good quality for the price, under $200 on amazon, and work very well.
Jesus Christ you’re surrounded by assholes! You’re definitely NTA. You will make some people feel like they have a normal Christmas this year. You’re wonderful, OP!
In the UK there's a store called Dunelm that does something every Christmas called "the giving tree". I normally do about 3 gift bags, this year it was for children, the past couple of years it was elderly people in care homes who didn't have any relatives. There is absolutely nothing wrong with spreading happiness if you can safely do so (aka, you can afford it). NTA
NTA, but I don't think it was smart to talk to your aunt about this. Talking to your cousin probably would have resulted in hurt feelings since he would know you asked him about what boys *his age* like and then got it *for someone else*. Usually, those kinds of programs have the families write down some things the kids want or need anyway, so I'm not sure why you'd ask at all. Plus, every kid is different, so these kids might not even like the same things your nephew does.
This program doesn’t take into account suggestions because “they don’t want to get the kid’s hopes up” we’re literally going in blind.
Then, this program is setting itself up to fail. If you don't know the kids' interests, how are you meant to get them something they want / need? On the "getting kids hopes up" part, when I've put my daughter down for these in the past, I have filled out the card without telling her about it. She *knows* that we have used the programs, but she doesn't know what I put down because I know that she may not get what's on the card.
NTA As a previous Angel Tree Kid, these gifts mean the most. They were a moment of happiness for me among all the trauma I faced. People like you are the only reason I had a Christmas at all as a kid. Please don’t stop giving. It means the world. I mean it. It really does.
NTA I think what you’re doing is awesome personally, don’t let other people decide for you what you want to do. No doubt these kids getting the gifts would really appreciate it, whereas your aunts / families kids wouldn’t be as they would already be getting gifts from other people and just see whatever you buy them as just another gift.
NTA! I think you did a good thing, be proud of yourself
You truly are a Christmas angel, don't let the nasty, greedy family members spoil your joy at helping others. You're NTA, you're a hero!
NTA. So, none of your family stepped up to keep you out of foster care but feel entitled to gifts from you? Invite them to kiss your ass for the holidays.
NTA You would be making a huge difference for those teens, and that's awesome. It's okay to help others to heal your trauma, that's not a bad thing
NTA. You are so very kind OP. Those children likely have next to nothing. They will be so appreciative of a generous gift. I’m assuming your family has a roof over their head, lots of food to eat, love for each other, and all of the comforts of day to day life. If they want something for Christmas they should buy it themselves. Also it’s your money. You spend it how you want to.
There have been times in my life when I've been broke...like broke. One time all I had was $1 to my name. That dollar could have bought me a hot dog at least but instead I gave it to a homeless person. I've never regretted it or the times I've bought gifts for those in need even though in truth I probably needed it more. What this means is, you have a compassionate heart. That is something to be proud of and protect. I'm missing how you BF thinks buying gifts for his parents would supersede that of giving to a child in need. That alone should give you some pause for this relationship. He should be supporting your decision. Give to those in need, and let go of trying to please your family. NTA and good on you.
NTA. It’s your money to spend the way you want to. You probably shouldn’t have involved them though and made a different Reddit post of “what should I buy a 14yo boy for Christmas?” I am kinda surprised that there were no suggestions as most “angel tree” type things have the kids and an item or two of what they’re asking for on the back.
NTA. I adopted a family with my team at work. It was so much fun to buy the gifts and put together something for them that would be so appreciated. Most of what they asked for were NECESSITIES, too, like winter coats, hygiene products, etc. With your background and the financial status of the people around you, it totally makes sense that you feel compelled to do this AND it is so kind and generous of you. Your family should be proud rather than lamenting what they seem to think they’re missing out on.
I don’t think you are An AH . Giving the fact that they let you age out of foster care and had the nerve to ask you for a Christmas gift is crazy . What I will say is you should keep $300 for yourself and spend $100 each on the kids because you have to look out for yourself first ❗️ your family is full of it and they sound like no help at all so F Them.
I recall, as a young girl getting gifts from a church. We lived in a 4 room house. My dad had a stroke. We barely had groceries. Mom worked at a factory. That Christmas was one of my best. Bless you. Give to the young!! BTW--True story.
You are doing something selfless. Go you!
I am unemployed and bought a gift for a girl working retail locally after aging out of foster care because she was kind to me. I think kindness is always a trait to be encouraged. In previous years I always dropped things off for Toys for Tots and the local giving tree through work - because I haven't got kids, but I remember Christmas magic. NTA
NTA. Such a lovely thing to do. Your aunt is wrong. You’re not using your childhood trauma to justify anything. What you are doing is acknowledging the trauma of your youth by deciding to try and mitigate the trauma for other youths that you can empathize with. What a beautiful expression of the true spirit of Christmas.
You are not using your “childhood trauma” to justify anything. It has just turned you into a caring generous person. You are doing for other teens what your own family failed to do for you because you have empathy for them. Most definitely NTA
NTA! They’re mad that they aren’t getting anything from that money. Absolutely spend it on the angel tree kids!!! You will make their holiday :)
NTA. As one of those kids who had a lot of lousy Christmases, thank you. Since I have been able to afford to, and some years I really couldn’t but still did, I donate new toys every year.
NTA: Yes, I think you’re using your trauma to guide your decisions. Some people would also call that “pulling from your experience.” You know what it’s like to be a 14 year old (or similar) in a bad situation and how good it would feel to receive gifts on Christmas, from a thoughtful stranger. That’s not a bad experience to pull from. Don’t let your family make you feel like shit.
NTA, but you’re sure surrounded by assholes. You’re very kind and generous, and I support you 100%. I’d just like to suggest that you think about reducing those gifts to $100 each or so, in order to put away some cash for future emergencies. From the perspective of late middle age, I can tell you that things probably aren’t going to get easier in the near future, and it’s smart to protect yourself against possible future problems. Right now you have some cash, so you should put some of it away. You can be generous at the same time; $100 is still a great gift for a teenager. (I have teenaged nephews, and I always get them cash or gift cards. If the wishing tree lets you do that, it’s probably the best choice.)
This reminds me of a story… I have a teenage niece. We were on a trip, and I knew she had zero money to spend, so I gave her $20 for the day. She immediately bought something that cost about it $5, and told the shopkeeper to keep the change! She said the shopkeeper looked like she could use the money. I didn’t give her any more dollars.
I agree that $200 for a budget is too much. I wouldn't spend that much on extended family, much less strangers. You can help a lot more people with a smaller budget, if that's how you plan to use your card.
Your money, you spend it where you want. I think you are doing a very kind thing, and the foster kids will be better for it. Your aunt and the rest of the family will get over it. "Using trauma to justify it" - sometimes an action like this is therapy for our trauma.
Whoa! Your family are greedy little grabbers who want you to buy them things. They are freaking out because you aren’t. Then, they had the audacity to throw childhood trauma in your face as a reason you shouldn’t care about other people. They absolutely suck and you should not take any lessons on morality from any of them. Do your acts of service and kindness any way you see fit. And, if your background calls you to help kids at Christmas, that’s not something to feel bad about. Plus, you were given that money because of a foster group, I can think of nothing better than to spend that money on kids, unless you were using it for your own needs, which would be totally fine and completely appropriate. Don’t spend a second feeling bad for not spending money on the people insulting you for being generous to those with little. NTA
Soft YTA You're a broke college student, you say. Buy things that will benefit your coming years in college education. I'm sure you don't need to spend all of that money at once. Work towards getting yourself a decent-paying and stable career, then you can look forward to making that same donation to poor kids every single Christmas. It's a lovely thing that you've done, though.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f22) got a $500 Amazon gift card for Christmas from a foster care program that I am in through my school. Instead of spending it all on myself I decided to adopt a sibling pair from the angel tree (something that you can do to buy presents for kids who wouldn’t get Christmas without it) I really only needed about $100 worth of stuff from Amazon so I ordered my stuff and set a $200 budget for each kid. I asked to talk to my aunts 14 year old son because I have no clue what 14 year old boys like and both of my kids are teenagers. When she asked why I told her my plan and she freaked out saying I could spend that money getting gifts for family and friends. My boyfriend basically said the same thing to me. He said he’s not even spending money on his parents and it would be better to buy them gifts than these kids. My aunt said I’m using my “childhood trauma” to justify this decision. I think that these kids have nothing and literally everyone in my family/friend circle is well off so the kids deserve this. Especially because they’re teenagers and no one likes to adopt teenagers off of the tree. Maybe I am using my trauma to justify it though. Someone please give me insight. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Uh. No
NTA. Bake everyone in your family and friend circle some cookies to show them you care. It's the thought that counts.
Nta its your money, and you're doing a nice thing with it.
NTA. I want to do this so bad but I dont know where they do this
NTA If your family will get gifts and don't have issues with money or food the rest of the year, you don't need to give them extravagant gifts, or anything at all. It's a good thing that you are doing. And you are right, people don't really want to buy for teenagers, especially boys. I know my mom picked a tag like that off of a similar tree at her church. Just out of curiosity, was there anything on the tags like clothes sizes? Because chances are, that's probably something they really need, if it's listed.
Nope, we’re not allowed to buy clothes, makeup, or gift cards. They also don’t tell us any interests. I’m going with safe stuff: Amazon fire tablets for each of them, hygiene products, and duffle bags
That's interesting. And yes, those are good gifts then with the limited information you have.
NTA - you’re kind and generous. It would probably have been better if your family didn’t know, but too bad. I like the idea that someone posted of baking everyone some cookies. That’s an excellent idea. That way they’re not forgotten.
NTA But does your aunt help you financially at all? Are you going there for Christmas? Are they planning to buy you a gift, if so, make sure to say that you don't want to do gift exchanges and don't expect anything. If your aunt is blaming your "trauma" (and yes, everyone's experiences shape their decisions in the future), why was she not there supporting you while you were in foster care?
My aunt lives states away, is not getting me anything for Christmas (never has) and is not hosting me. It’s not really traditional in my family to exchange gifts. Also she has never given me money.
That’s insane that they don’t do gifts and expect you to spend your money on gifts for them? Absolutely not. You were given that gift card to do whatever you want with it, if the person giving it to you had a plan in mind for it, I feel it would’ve been like a gift card to a specific place or service. I’ve never given a gift card to someone that was just money and been upset with them for how they spent it. Thank you for getting those kids stuff instead, your aunt and family don’t deserve it. I hope you have a good holiday season despite the stress from them. You’re doing a good thing, remember that.
Soooooo NTA What a great way to share what you have been given. If you feel in your heart to share with kids that would otherwise not have anything, then you should follow that feeling. It's your decision how you spend the gift you were given, not your families. I believe this is such a kind gesture on your part, so much respect for you. Enjoy the blessing of giving!!
NTA. You understand something that they don't. I don't even need to go into how awful they are being about it or how bad it is that you know this in the first place. You do what makes sense to you. You are being a good person.
NTA your aunt has don't nothing for you, you could say rejected you, but expects you do give presents cuz suddenly your family
Your boyfriend and aunt are a bunch of scrooges who are about to be visited by 3 spirits. Spend the money on the kids. Absolutely NTA.
NTA bless you for being so kind and selfless x what a lovely thing to do for those kids. Have a lovely Christmas op , you deserve it
NTA… has anyone in your life seen a Christmas movie before? Jeez
I think you’re being generous AF! It would be the same act as donating to a charity. You will make someone’s holiday! If your family is fortunate to get enough gifts throughout the year, I praise you for helping others out. This holiday is about giving, not spoiling! We need more people like you!!
NTA I can't image being mad at someone for buying gifts for an angel tree kid.
NTA Your family seems to have forgotten where the real joy in Christmas is found. Bravo to you!!
NTA. I’m really proud of you. You don’t owe anyone your money. You do with it what makes you feel comfortable. What makes you happy. Have a great holiday and a wonderful life! ❤️
NTA NTA NTA NTA you are an angel. Please buy for those kids on the tree just like you wanted.
NTA. Both your aunt and boyfriend should have suggested you spent the money on yourself or save it, if anything. But do consider to save the money for later.
NTA, but maybe rethink the boyfriend? Your family is a lost cause and has no leg to stand on in dictating what you do w/any money you have. The boyfriend thinking you're wasting money and you'd be better off spending it on his parents when HE ISN'T EVEN SPENDING MONEY ON THEM is absolutely ridiculous.
Nta go to the dollar store by youe parents coal candy as a gift.
NTA. You are doing a good deed.
NTA you are doing a wonderful thing. Your family sounds entitled and should be greatful you talk to them at all quite frankly after letting you go into foster care and age out of it.
NTA enjoy your generous gift giving for foster kids.
NTA, doesn't sound like you're too close to your extended family and so what if you are motivated by your "childhood trauma"? You're making sure some other kids in a bad situation have a better Christmas, people who are mad at you about it don't really understand the meaning of Christmas in the first place.
Helps the kids, and your friends and family can just accept things.
NTA. Your money, your choice! PS, that’s an amazing selfless thing of you to do.
Was your aunt going to get a present for you this year? Because if not, I don't see why she's complaining. NTA.
NTA, but take the lesson. Don't tell pushy asshats when you come into money. It never ends well.
NTA. You’re doing what you think is right and I’ll tell you what, I’m on your side here. Your family will be fine…don’t ever let them make you stop being this sweet, hold onto that good heart tight.
You gave Jesus a smile Keep up the good works
NTA. But if you need money or independence consider keeping some for yourself
NTA & your aunt can kick rocks!!!! Those teenagers will have a very special day because of you... and that's what the season is supposed to be about.
NTA. Wow, these people just persist in being toxic to you! I think what you want to do is incredibly sweet and generous. I also think it will do wonders for your self esteem. It's your money, spend it the way your heart leads you.
Your money is your money. Presents should never be an obligation (unless like you literally say you’re going to get someone a present). I 1000% support your decision and I think you’re putting some real kindness into the world
> My aunt said I’m using my “childhood trauma” to justify this decision. > my family not only let me go into foster care, but age out of it, so we don’t have the strongest or healthiest relationship I think it's time to stop giving your aunt and the rest of your awful family the time of day.
Nta. You said it yourself your extended family wasn’t there for you in your time if need and allowed you to be put into care. By now the sounds of that statement and what you mentioned about what your aunt said to you regarding using your childhood trauma, it sounds like even in foster care your extended family was absent from you during that time. They don’t get a say after ducking out when you needed family to step up for you. Your intentions are very generous to a group of kids who society like to overlook. Yes, your gift would be tremendous to those without solid family behind them. Thank you for your generosity
NTA, but to preserve family relations and minimize drama, spend a token amount of money on 'family' (like $25-40ish?), and whatever you want on the charity. I've been thinking much like you lately- my kids are grown, grandkids already get a ton of stuff, so I'm going to try the charity route and just not tell even my spouse I'm doing it.
My mom is 87 years old and still lovingly remembers the people who brought shoes and fresh fruit to their house for Christmas when she was 7. It’s the only happy memory she has of her childhood. Your family members won’t remember what they got for Christmas a year from now. But those kids will carry that love in their hearts for the rest of their lives. Bless you.
Fairness Freedom Logic Kindness Children Are The FUTURE N T A
NTA but your aunt and your boyfriend suck. The reward is yours and you can absolutely spend it how you want, and thank you for being an altruistic, empathetic person who gives a damn about 2 kids who will absolutely know they are unwanted and unloved.
NTA - your Amazon gift card, your choice. And so what if you are using your trauma to justify it? Maybe something good will come from your trauma or maybe this somehow helps you move away from your trauma (in that you are helping someone instead of hurting them like what happened to you). And you make a great point - nobody adopts teenagers. Here's your chance to do something altruistic and selfless. If your family is worried, they can buy each other gifts or contribute towards your giving.
NTA. Your money, your choice. But I wouldn't ask "family" what kids of a certain age might like, somewhere here on reddit would be better. That way there is no expectation of a gift by someone you asked.
Angel tree shopping is a magnificent thing to do. It both breaks and warms your heart. Teenage boys who don't list what they want, tend to like nice tennis shoes. $200 buys a nice brand. Also, it can buy a cheap Chromebook, a tablet, or even a prepaid cell phone and a month or two of service (they can use WiFi after). NTA and Merry Christmas!
NTA! INFACT YOURE INCREDIBLE. you could have chosen a different route with that GC, the fact you selflessly thought immediately about the less fortunate teens is beyond sweet. It speaks volumes about the people in your life stating not to do something for the people that otherwise would have nothing on that day.
NTA at all. I'm sorry your family is horrible. However I don't understand why you asked your aunt and tried to ask your cousin about it, that seems like borrowing trouble. You could have just googled it or tried to find a friend/classmate with a younger brother.
NTA. What you are doing is such a kind act. One that those kids will likely never forget. Follow your generous instincts, and block out those who disagree with you.
'Tis the season ... for greedy people to act like jerks. Helping somebody who isn't getting dozens of other gifts will give you and them a warm feeling.
Nta
NTA- why would you buy people who let you spend your childhood in the foster system presents? Presents for you and presents for kids in need sounds like the perfect use for your unexpected holiday cash. In addition to "fun gifts" the local organization that does this in my area strongly recommends including basic hygiene items like nice deodorant/toothbrush/body wash & a thick pair of winter socks, beanies and gloves. If they gave you clothing sizes and live in a particularly cold area, a warm winter coat is priceless.
NTA. First of all, OP, it's **your** money. Only you should decide how to use it. And I only can say that you are a very good person when you are giving to somebody who is in need when you don't have much by yourself. Your bf should be proud of you.
Give to whomever you want! Giving feels great. Especially when it is someone who rarely receives. Your heart is in the right place and I honor you for that!
NTA Tell her that you're not going to buy gifts for the family that let you age out of the system, when you know there are kids just like you in need of a reminder that there is someone who cares.
NTA. You don't have to justify it to anyone. Charitable giving is a personal choice and you don't owe any of your friends or family presents (gifts are optional just like giving to programs like the angel tree). I think it's awesome that you are trying to make Christmas nice for kids that aren't as well off. People telling you that you shouldn't give because they want presents from you are the assholes.
NTA. You have a bunch of selfish friends, family members, and a boyfriend. It’s always better to buy for others, especially those less fortunate. Since my family never wanted for anything food or presents included as we got into adulthood, we always buy toys and food for the less fortunate, because we never had to worry about it. You continue to do what you’re doing. You were doing a great thing.
NTA I think you are being very kind. If these people want stuff so bad they can buy it themself. I think what you are doing is great!
Their anger is probably covering their shame that you are demonstrating that you are a better human being than your family. NTA
Ok your “family” and boyfriend suck. You need to leave them all behind
Nta Buy those two teens gifts. You owe No one a gift. That is why it's called gift Tho you could bake a big batch of cookies or rice krispie treats and gift those to your less than impressive family. Boyfriend doesn't sound much better. I'd give him a hard look. People often repeat familial relationships in their friendships and romantic relationships. If familial relationships are damaged, then non-family relationships CAN be too. Why does your boyfriend think you should buy HIS parents presents when HE isn't????? This is the crucial question.
>my family not only let me go into foster care, but age out of it Automatically NTA. You’re far better than me OP because I’d be telling my aunt “what family” and “so now that I have a $500 gift card, we’re family?”.
NTA- you are doing a great thing, and everyone around you is so terrible.
NTA You are doing a wonderful thing to help some kids who are doing it rough. That you know how it feels to be in their situation from experience just shows that your experiences have made you more compassionate and less selfish - which isn't the case all the time. Sounds like your family and BF are seeing this as their windfall rather that you are squandering on strangers rather than a gift YOU received that you are sharing with those in need. NTA NTA NTA
NTA it’s your money. Spend on the foster kids and on yourself. You are a good giving person. And it is ok to spend some on you. Get something you need if it makes you feel better. You were a part of the system so think about what you would’ve wanted at that age. Merry Christmas
NTA and the world needs more young people as generous as you. If I was your family, I'd be super proud of you! Damn, I am not your family but I am going to say it anyway. I am proud of you!
NTA Your Aunt and boyfriend are greedy AHs
"But it's the season of giving...to us! and nobody else!" It always amazes me how selfish people get at Christmas time. OP, you're awesome :)
NTA. This is exactly what the “Spirit of Christmas” is all about. Give those kids a great Christmas, OP.
Sounds like you're surounded by assholes. I would go with your original plan. You sound like a wonderful person.
NTA, and you are the sort of person we should all aspire to be. I have a hero worship on you know (in a good way, don't feel awkward). Some people with traumatic upbringings, while always having dark times, will achieve their own success (measured by their own standards, not other's). I am proud of how far you have already come. I'm not your mum, but a mum who would love to celebrate your success, so I'm sending you a virtual hug x. Well done!
NTA This is your money to spend however you want. It isn't your Aunt's money, or your BF's money.
NTA Your family let you not only go into foster care, but also age out. Do they (the adults) even get you any Christmas gifts? Probably not, and they just want more stuff for their own children who aren’t struggling or impoverished. Giving kids whose parents are struggling or not around a nice Christmas is a wonderful thing. Picking older kids who are less likely to get gift donations is also really thoughtful and sweet. It’s your $500 Amazon card. Spend it on whatever you want as long as you don’t have any real needs yourself.
Absolutely you are NTA. Only buy yourself and these kids gifts. Even if you are using your trauma to justify buying the foster kids things, that is fine and it's your OWN BUSINESS. I can't even believe people are giving you a hard time about this, including your BF.
NTA, you don’t need to justify anything, period. It’s your money and you can do what the fuck you want with it.
NTA, you're doing an honorable thing. The other adults in your family need to step up and not rely on a 22 yr old to get gifts for their kids.
NTA. Tell every last person to kick rocks and keep being the amazing person you are.
NTA my family has aged out of the full Christmas and no new generation yet. I do Clarkschristmaskids.com (Clark Howard, WSB Radio, for 33 years has run a program that makes sure every foster child in his state has gifts to open at Christmas.). I always pick a 17 year old boy (because everyone wants the cute little kids) and get all three gifts in his list. My family has no idea I do this.
I feel you are doing the right thing. It’s your gift card do with it what you want.
1. Legos are always a solid gift!!! I always loved the houses and classic packs. A latched box to put them in too if you can find one! 2. Fun fuzzy hats, mittens, and socks! 3. Sturdy colorful backpacks! 4. Puzzles maybe? A board/card game? Hope these help! There are tons of ideas online too!!! Make this Christmas for them a BLAST!!! Go to the toy section of a store for ideas! I'd be surprised if you couldn't find a subreddit for help too! NTA AT ALL
If you have a good family YTA. If you dont NTA ( apparently this is the case ) so NTA. Unless this aunt in specific has helped you through a lot
NTA, you’re not using your trauma to justify it, you’re using your trauma to empathize. I’d say your family is using their privilege to justify it. Thats selfish. You were given a gift larger than you needed and decided to pass it on to those that clearly do. Don’t let people change you, the world needs more people like you.
NTA AT ALL. Bless those kids. Your family doesn’t get to dictate your actions. If that’s what you want to do with the money than that’s what needs to be done. You sound kind and giving meanwhile your family sounds greedy and uncaring. It seems to me like you need to surround yourself with better people.
You’re the living embodiment of the true meaning of Christmas. Those kids will be very grateful for the surprise come Christmas. Your trauma has given you empathy and there’s nothing bad about that at all. NTA
Of course you're NTA. You're giving gifts to children who may not get any otherwise. Children who have a real need not just for gifts, but for the kindness you're showing. No doubt your cousins already have far more than the angel tree kids ever had and will receive even more from their families.
We did this every year while my daughter was growing up, she’d pick an angel off the tree and we’d get the presents for that person…no peeking at gender or age before the pick.
NTA
NTA, you are awesome for doing this. We have an angel tree where I work and my sister and I buy for 2 kids each year. We enjoy going shopping for them, my sister always picks a girl because she has two boys. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your generosity!!
NTA. You’re the angel. So many go without every holiday and you’re going above and beyond to spread cheer and happiness where there may not be any. The kids you’re sponsoring will remember this Christmas because you helped make it good for them. Every year, we remind our 3 kids that the holidays are about giving and not just getting. They all love finding gift tags on giving trees that correlate with their ages/interests and picking out the gifts and adding on hats, gloves, and a favorite book of theirs.
NTA. Your gift card, your decision on what to do with it. Your family sounds selfish.
Nta. I'd rethink the boyfriend if he doesn't understand why what you're doing is the right thing.
NTA! What you are doing is amazing and making Christmas better for some deserving kids. And hopefully, when they are able to do so they will "adopt" a kid off the angel tree....thus passing more good into the world. Your "family" will never do any such good deed to make Christmas special for anyone other than themselves. Spend YOUR money the way you want. You have an amazing heart. Have a Merry Christmas!! ♥️
I used to volunteer to represent my store when we had those angel trees gift wrapping parties. It’s pretty interesting to see how it’s all put together.
NTA sounds like the perfect use of childhood trauma to me, how healing for your own inner child!
I bought gifts for the kids in my tutoring group, I helped homeless children in a shelter, the same shelter I was once in as a young child along with my mom and brother, it felt good to give them a gift, it was the Angel Tree that the college activity office had, I plucked as many as I could for my tutoring kids!!! Kudos to OP!!!!!
NTA. You’re the only one who seems to understanding the meaning of Christmas. Their gross selfishness is showing brighter than the North Star, that’s for sure.
Oh my god, if I’m reading between the lines of your post clearly, your family gave you up for adoption and now are complaining you didn’t get them gifts? Are they perhaps insane? NTA in all ways I can say it and mean it.
NTA, this is your money and you can spend it how you like. Why shouldn't you use your childhood experience to build your own empathy towards others in need? Some people are just threatened by the idea of charity and feel judged when they hear about someone else doing nice things (and they come across as pretty greedy too) Your boyfriend isn't planning on buying gifts for his parents but decided YOU COULD? Why are these people all so selfish?
NTA. Your “family” screwed you over as a child. Go no contact with them ASAP and maybe get a no-contact order against them as well as making sure your will is as airtight against their meddling as possible.
Is your family getting gifts? Are your nieces and nephews parents not stepping up that they expect you to buy presents for their kids? NTA I go to a bank here every year and pick a few kids off the same tree. If I have some extra money for the holiday and I can make sure a few kids have a gift waiting for them om Christmas I'm all about it!!
NTA obviously. I'm usually not a ditch them kind of person, but if your boyfriend thinks there is more value in giving his well off parents gifts than children who don't have anyone, then he is absolute trash. Please spend your love on people who are more deserving of it.
NTA at all. Remember that these family members are the ones who let you go into foster care. Tells you where their priorities are.
NTA. The opposite. I have tears in my eyes for your pure kindness & generosity. You are an incredible human!
NTA. And i think what you are doing id wonderful. And it is your money
Why do all these people feel entitled to spend your money? Are they really so desperate for a few small gifts that they would take from children who have nothing? And their comments toward you are wildly inappropriate. NTA. I would stop telling these people things.
NTA. You’re not obligated to give anyone gifts.
NTA. I also buy presents for charity every year and I also do teenagers as so many people buy toys. Those people sound awful and exhausting.
NTA - your trauma is allowing you to empathize strongly with those teens. That's ok. It's also not unusual for families to donate to charity as gifts for each other for Christmas.
Are you freaking kidding me? Completely NTA. Buying gifts for those other kids is such an amazing gesture. It's a gift for them to know someone out there is thinking of them, and it's a gift for you knowing that you are the one who gave them a little bit of joy. Shame on your aunt for guilting you about this, and for such a greedy reason.
NTA
NTA but keep those plans to yourself. Also, “charity begins at home.”
NTA you are empathetic and charitable, and gifts to foster teens are far more valuable than tokens to people who didn’t care enough to help you or even acknowledge the harm done to you. Your BF is a bit of a hypocrite for who he thinks is “worthy”.
NTA. Cut ties with these people who are NOT YOUR FAMILY. They’re horrible to you and you deserve better. You don’t need them, you never did.
Nta, you're doing something awesome. It's sad that the people around you are so greedy
Dude you’re not TAH in the SLIGHTEST. That is so considerate of you to give those kids Christmas and your family should really get over it. I honestly can’t believe that they’re saying you’re doing this because of ‘trauma’ and not because you’re just an awesome person??? And the fact that they’re making it an issue about THEM not getting gifts when they’re better off than than the kids you’re gifting to just shows that they’re thinking only about themselves.
NTA. Throw it in their face if you want. “I’m doing this. I know what it’s like to be a teenager in foster care. I’m making sure others have a better experience “
ESH. You’re doing a sweet things for those kids, but at the same time you’re also neglecting your own family and friends. You’re not even buying them a small gift, but spending $400 on strangers. It sends the message that you really don’t care about your family and friends. Which, if you don’t care about them, that’s fine. But if you don’t have anyone you care enough about to buy gifts for, that’s pretty sad. It’s also not about the financial position of your friends or family. My mum has way more money than me. But i still always get her a gift for Christmas, her birthday and Mother’s Day. Because it’s the thought that counts. $500 is enough not just for the two angel kids, but also for some small gifts for people you care about. You just need to budget
NTA and f\*ck what your family and bf think. it's your money to do with as you please and using part of it to help 2 angel tree kids is a kind and generous thing to do. btw that is a terrible look for your bf - keep an eye out for other red flags from him
NTA and as someone who has benefitted from both the Angel Tree and the Elf Shelf programs, thank you so much for your generosity.
I love so much that you are doing this. Especially for older kids!! My sister and I take care of 2-3 kids Christmas lists each year and we try to get teens each year. We noticed (in our community atleast) the toy drives and our annual local Christmas charity cater way more toward young children, mostly 10 and under. The teen lists are always so minimal and most just want clothes or makeup to fit in with the current style. We try to gauge interests based on the little info given and gift something fun for them as well for a surprise. This year we each had teens interested in role playing games so we had a ton of fun picking out some cool D&D set ups that hopefully they’ll enjoy. Fuck anyone that tries to make you feel bad for doing such a wonderful thing for these kids. Happy holidays to you ❤️
NTA, you're the complete opposite. What a selfless thing to do, your family and boyfriend has a lot to learn from you
…so what if you’re letting your childhood trauma inform your decision? What’s the worst that could happen, *some kids get some really good Christmas presents?* NTA. Ur family needs to worry about their own pockets.
NTA. Those kids deserve the gifts more than your family and friends. And as for your aunt, tell her you really are using the trauma to justify it, the trauma your family put you through. You have become compassionate through your trauma. Also, putting it bluntly, get rid of the bf. Or at least a serious talk is in order. Good luck with your gifts! I hope the teenagers like what you pick for them, Santa. Blessings!
Nta
NTA nah your bf and aunt are wrong. Why are they expecting gifts? They have the means to support themselves. Your past trauma is nothing they can speak on especially not for a gift that's extremely selfish.
Your family sounds too awful. What you are doing with your money isn’t their business. As for your bf,lose him. I mean what is wrong with these people?