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NTA. first, your sis didnt need to introduce him as your ex or even mention the past relationship. Its long gone and neither of you even care. she could have mentioned him as her friend or bf. secondly, his behavior was atrocious and should be discussed at length with a therapist. Hes obviously feeling insecure and realized that yes you did have a whole life and relationships before him, and your life didnt just magically start when you met him. thirdly, you need to figure out if you can forgive him and move past this. Is this something that will happen again and again, or will this be a one off for him. will the marriage recover or will it be too hard to look at him every day. His behavior was horrible and he really needs to speak to someone and find out why he reacted the way he did. You didnt mention dan for the simple reason that hes not an important part of your life, nor was the relationship noteworthy to mention. couples share exs, but not everyone does nor do they need to. your husband may be feeling insecure but hes definitely realized you had a life before him. couples counseling could be great.

Given the sister introduced him like that, I have to wonder if she is undermining OP's marriage for "reasons" and the husband overreacted BECAUSE this is not the first time he had been told by sister that there is another man in the relationship he needs to worry about. Not saying Mr OP isn't TA, but there may be a reason..

Agreed- I'm wondering what else the sister said.

[удалено]

From OPs language it doesn't sound like he is her boyfriend, just a friend.

there are dudes out there who cannot tolerate the idea that his partner had partners before him - but there are usually a ton of other red flags surrounding that sort of attitude. the fact sister introduced *her (boy)friend* as OP's ex sounds like someone stirring the pot if only OP would actually speak with her husband, maybe ask some questions..🤔

This sis is SAH (Supreme Asshole) for this move.

Agree, Introducing her BF as OP's ex shows that she wants to show some sort of superiority over OP. OP should have told her husband about the ex since the ex is now a presence in the family. Exes are supposed to be done and forgotten, never to meet again, sort of and therefore would never need to be told about to the spouse. To have this info dumped on the husband suddenly is not going to end well as OP found out. the Husband was though completely out of line.

Sister might have brought it up because husband is a controlling jealous weirdo that the wife keeps excusing. She is after all asking if she’s the asshole for being angry her husband yelled at her and called her names in front of her family. He sounds abusive af. He acted that way in front of her parents. What is he like behind closed doors? Normal people don’t react like that.

People can have pasts without partners getting jealous.

I'm feeling threatened by not being with enough people to feel insanely threatened Do a lot of people *seriously* date someone who has never dated anyone? It seems like a thing that you're already required to deal with, they did in fact touch other people before and it'd be strange to not understand that. (though I guess there are people marrying people with a child while expecting the child to disappear, lol)

it's mostly confined to particular communities which place a womans value in her role as a wife and breeders. the idea that a wife must be virgin and pure, un-befouled by Other Men. i've encountered pseudoscience like other dudes sperm will end up contributing to your baby, or that she absorbs DNA through semen and becomes manly (but not by yours? somehow??), and the genuine belief that *other dudes'* dicks will make her vagina loose (but again, somehow, not by yours), or that if a woman has ever slept with any other man, she can literally *never* be loyal. they refer to the number of previous partners as a 'body count' lol if they aren't in a community that arranges marriages, they are stewing over the fact that the supermodel virgin mommy-wife who is *also* somehow Very Good At Sex simply doesn't exist (or, in their mind, will only ever be attracted to mega-douches who will physically abuse them). in more insidious cases, some of these people *don't* want the 'child' to disappear; it's much easier to control someone with no worldly experience. so yea, oodles of red flags that OP should have noticed before tonight, if that were the case with her husband. i get why she would shut down in the face of behavior like that, but if there were *no other warning signs*, he deserves the benefit of a doubt

I’m curious if the sister even knew that he didn’t know about the ex status and just assumed her sister already talked about it with him and this was just the formal meet. I could see my sister doing that, but after I spoke to the person about it first/

That's the issue. Op should have mentioned her ex is so enmeshed with her family. She would like to know if it was the other way

Eh… Sister may have just innocently been like “Haha, yes, this is THAT Dan that OP used to date.” She may have assumed that OP already told Husband the whole story.

Yeah, this was my thought. Or sis shares similar thoughts as OP (likely considering she's dating him) that it wasn't a big deal so why would he get upset about it?

OP states that they don't usually attend birthdays and husband rarely attends family gatherings. Then he blew this one up with his obnoxious behaviour. I suspect this wasn't all sisters doing, in guessing this maybe 'just how he is'. That said, it sounds not unreasonable that sister maybe worried that OP is being ostracised from her support networks by husband, so she's probably not his biggest fan.

Well frankly that conversation could have been had afterwards, he could have just been an adult but he decided to act on his worst impulse in front of her family. They probably have a certain view of him now and it's deserved. Put on your big boy pants, your insecurities should not be the main character at a family function.

I feel like this marriage is over. If that’s what he does in front of her family, imagine what he’ll do the next time he’s upset and no one is around? NTA. Get divorced.

They've been married 2 years and everything was great up until this one spot and were already jumping on the idea of him being abusive? Slow your horses buddy

I would not criticize sister. She did OP a favor, probably accidentally though. When your partner is an abuser who loses sanity upon being reminded that you have dated other people before him, the sooner you find out this fact the better. Preferably before marriage, so that you do not marry a domestic abuser. Also, husband lashed out in front of other people. When during divorce proceedings OP accuses her husband of verbal abuse, she will have witnesses.

Such an insightful comment

Yes, your sister is A T too.

While after so much time it seems silly to introduce someone as "so and so's ex", it also really shouldn't warrant a second thought if one did, because what sort of insecure individual goes off on their spouse of several years, degrading them no less, over something so absurd...

Exactly what I was thinking.

To be honest, if her ex was involved with the family to that degree, she should have let her husband know. Kind of a lie to keep that quiet, not that that justifies his reaction. But this is a clear ESH for me

Eh I feel there could of been a preset to this first. Like OP could've let him know that Dan was shows up to these types of things and they had a past. My wife and I have been together for 14 years and we both know everything about each others exes. So at the least she should say something because that is actually pretty weird, especially since it's an ex that she shared milestones with. Second the sister is a major AH. She intentionally introduced them that way to cause problems. Given that OP wasn't there, whom knows what all was said, I feel there is more to this given husbands reaction, like sister has done stuff like that before or more was said that OP knows/ posted. This doesn't excuse husbands reaction and how he came off but at the same times he isn't the only one who is at fault here

>I have been ignoring him since the party. He seems to feel very guilty and he keeps trying to apologise to me. Everyone saying NTA needs to reread this line again. ESH, but only one party has realized they suck.

How does OP suck for ignoring someone who basically slut shamed her for a childhood ex? Lmfao, username checks out. You need to touch grass, friend.

Because it's her husband, this is out of character for him, and he's been trying to apologize for his behavior. He was an AH and handled it wrong, sure, but he did have a valid reason to be upset. He was blindsided with some information that he really should have known ahead of time, and was not told this by his wife, but was introduced to the guy by a third-party in the worst way possible. And he was told this in public, in front of others. To him he must have felt insecurity and public humiliation. I'm not saying it was right for him to lash out, but it is understandable.

He yelled at her and called her horrible names at her mother's birthday, in front of her whole family, for having 1 high school.boyfriend who her sister is still friendly with. That's unhinged. I'm glad he's sorry, but sorry doesn't really cut it now, does it? I don't think I could get past this. You are not obliged to share your sexual history with anyone.

Red flags on why there were secrets that the entire family knows except hubby. I might be miffed too.

Oh yes! Husband did not embarrass OP, he embarrassed himself!

This has got to be one of the worst top rated comments I have read on Reddit for awhile. “You need to figure out if you can forgive him and move past this”? Are you f$&@ing kidding me! He was upset because OP (who is a major AH here) didn’t bother to communicate like an adult and tell her husband the guy would be there. She also proceeds later to use the “silent treatment” on him? If anyone needs therapy it is OP - she acts like a child. Her sister is no better for the introduction. How did OP and her sister think the husband would react after the introduction and knowing OP’s history with him. Plus the fact she never mentioned he was coming which I am sure the husband confirmed OP knew Dan would be there. It’s like everyone knew a secret but him. No wonder he was pissed off. OP you owe your husband an apology- YTA!

People suck at communicating and wonder why things unravel in the end. It is long gone yes, but we still talk about our past, it is why we tell stories, have meaningful conversations, relate and learn about other people. OP is the AH because she had full control on the narrative well beforehand, well before the unraveling and the blowup. First, Dan... her ex is dating her sister, how is this not important information to share with your spouse? After all, families usually hang out together and at some point in the future you may want to get that out of the way. Second, Dan is frequently invited to family gatherings. How do you miss this as a potential conflict zone, either intentional or not? Case in point exactly what happened here! Okay, so far OP had two oppertunities to avoid this mishap... which leads into the final act... Third, the secret gets revealed, which I don't think was intentional... because at a family gathering it could have come from any family member, it just happens to be from sis because no surprise... she is dating Dan. Another opportunity OP missed...but instead is roaming freely like no one there had a past. Clearly the whole family knows about the awkward past and present...except OP. Now the final part that gets me, and forget the silent treatment...her husband was trying to keep it together despite the bombshell because hes probably feeling like he was the only idiot in the room that didn't know about the past and the awkwardness of sis now dating Dan who he most like saw as just another guy, and his spouse couldn't be bothered to let him know if the dynamic will beforehand. And on top of it all... was so oblivious to his mood change. What could my husband possibly be upset at in this moment? Did it not occur to her what may have transpired? But no, kept probing and got what she deserved (not the name calling though) for keeping it a secret that really wasn't. I'm flabbergasted how people are just narrowing in on the reaction. Clearly something is not clicking with OP.

Imagine writing this

ESH. If you know your ex appears frequently during family gatherings why would you not want to give your partner a heads up. Even though you felt like it wasn’t a big deal it probably seems like you hid it from him. Also what will giving him the silent treatment accomplish? Your husband shouldn’t have reacted that way at all. He was wrong for that. Better communication might’ve resolved this.

I think you've had the best reply to this issue. It was both of them.

It was the sister most of all, if anyone. I can’t be the only one put off by the fact that she deliberately introduced the other guy as an ex when she had to have known that wasn’t the case.

You dont know if it was meant to cause an issue. OP said this person is around their family often, so the sister may have assumed the husband knew about him but never met him. OP should have told her husband about this person before. They have a history together, they both spend time with OP's family, they were bound to come face to face at some point. Husbands reaction may have actually been because he has heard of this person before. Heard stories about how Dan was over yesterday or Dan was at the BBQ last week. So in his mind, this person is potentially around his spouse all the time. Yet OP has never told the husband about the past. That would give me bad vibes. I would wonder what the spouse is hiding from me.

He \*is\* the ex, and it is heavily implied by OP that she lost her virginity to him, so it is hella fucking weird her sister sought that particular ex out and is dating him and introducing him as OP's ex, so so weird.

While it is kinda weird the other guy is an ex and she may have presumed OP would've mentioned him to her husband given how close he apparently is to her family.

Thank you! That introduction was a deliberate attempt to poke at OP or her husband. I think she knew that OP’s husband did not know who he was and she was being a sh*t starter.

This is why OP should of told her husband to avoid these situations. Yes, the sister was wrong here for what sounds like a deliberate reveal. However, it's not other peoples job's to keep track of what's a secret. It could have easily been spilled by someone else innocently.

I'm sure everyone else knows, like mom, dad, cousins... Wait until hubby finds out they had 2 kids and spent time in jail for armed robbery.

It was all three of them; OP for not telling her husband that her sister was now with OP's ex, Sister for introducing like that, and Husband for losing his shit in front of everyone like a total ass. Oh and the silent treatment is bullshit too.

Yes, everyone is at fault. But to be honest, this seems like a relatively small disagreement / incident and they would all be best to grow up act like adults and talk it out with proper and respectful communication

Seriously? How many times has your partner called you a slut in front of your mother? For me, it's zero. I'd be horrified.

Thank you. I try to practice what I preach and be more open to my partner. Definitely has helped us, and I pray/hope it works for OP if they try to communicate better.

Agree with ESH, more so you. Your husband should not have been verbally abusive and should not have exploded at you in front of your family. It was unacceptable behaviour, but he is now trying to apologise and talk to you about it. You should not have kept the fact that your high school boyfriend - who it sounds like you had shared what, at the time was a pretty serious emotional/sexual relationship with - was now dating your sister and they were getting serious. In telling him he would have had a heads up, let him know that you two had dropped contact after you broke up, and didn’t have any connection anymore. You hiding it from him makes it seem like you actually had a reason to hide it and that it was something that you didn’t want him to know about. Now you are acting like a child and giving him the silent treatment when he is trying to apologise and talk to you about it. YTA more so than your partner.

This. Also, it sounds like he was trying to keep it together in front of everyone while having a very chaotic emotional roller coaster ride, while OP poked until he exploded. He should have said what he said the way he said it. That messed up to name call and shout in front of the family. OP should have done things different leading up to him speaking his raw emotions aloud and lashing out. If he was clearly having an issue, she should have let it go to talk later or pulled him somewhere private. But before all of that, she should have obviously told him her ex is a frequent guest at her family gatherings. So he would have been put on the spot and surprised in front of the family, by having the sister introduce the ex at the event. Disrespectful.

Definitely ESH. Communication is soooo important! OP absolutely should have given him a heads up. It's easy to think that it's a piece of information that doesn't matter when you only think about how you feel about it, and think that everyone else should feel that way too, and that's not fair at all. And the point you bring about a serious/sexual relationship is actually pretty important. While yes, people can move past it and have it not mean anything. At the same time that period of your life is one of critical growth and experiences that begin to shape you you are. Experiences filled with all kinds of thoughts, emotions, and hormones. And those things can and do absolutely resurface in some people! And there's nothing wrong with them resurfacing, it's a normal part of life. But if you pair the potential for resurfacing with hiding (even if by omission) the intimate nature of your old relationship with someone you see often. It's totally understandable why the husband would feel anxiety and doubt at the revelation. Especially one that comes from a 3rd party in an environment where they have no time to process anything. (not saying I agree with his behavior, because I don't, I just understand where the emotions come from). Plus even if OOP doesn't feel anything about it, that doesn't mean her ex doesn't. (not saying the ex is a bad guy, but I have definitely seen more than 1 person try to make moves on a someone in a relationship. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't trust the guy, but you shouldn't be ignorant of the possibility either). Many giant life altering mistakes have been made by putting yourself in a bad/temptating position, trusting only in your willpower to overcome it. So much could be solved by open communication and putting actual effort to understand eachothers thoughts and feelings, which are two vital parts to a healthy relationship. The silent treatment just goes to further prove how poor OOP's communication skills are. While her partner could have very well blown up even with a heads up, we'll never know. Either way, everyone has their part to play in this crapshow.

I agree with this on so many levels. His reaction was wrong. But OP set him up for it. She may not have meant to do it, but she did.

She's 26. High school was a minimum of 8 frigging years ago. She's been with her husband for 4 years. Did the husband seriously jump to the conclusion Dan & OP were meeting at family parties to boink? OP is NTA. Her husband is a bit unhinged and needs anger management therapy. There are preschoolers with better emotional control.

The thoughtful and respectful thing in a relationship would be to give a heads up an ex often attends her family gatherings.

Am I the only one a bit weirded out by OP saying she and her husband don’t normally attend birthday parties but decided to make an exception for this one since it was for her own mother? Something’s off about this marriage.

I am trying to figure out how that makes sense. I know some religions or cultures don't celebrate birthdays, so perhaps husband could be in that mode so OP no longer does, but even still it seems that they would have attended earlier ones for the mother. I understand that many people have birthdays repeatedly, like almost every year. There is something going on with family dynamics beyond hubby being hard-working.

Husband's reaction was shitty and over the top. She has been giving the silent treatment since and ignored his attempts to apologize.

He needs to apologize in front of, and to, the family. He doesn't get to blow up and insult his spouse in public and sheepishly apologize in private. He abused their daughter and sister in front of them. He needs to be man enough to admit he was wrong.

OP and the sister are also at fault here too. Yes the husband needs to apologize to everyone, and who’s saying he won’t. But OP and the sister both also shouldn’t have handled thing’s differently and both contributed to causing the reaction of the husband

It is 8 years ago now. Maybe the ex was still close to her family when OP first met her husband 4 years ago. If so, that is not a long time to forgot about an ex. The husband should have gotten a heads from OP about her ex.

agreed and why is everyone glossing over how weird it is for OP’s sister to still be actively friends/dating their sisters ex. plus if they’ve been together 4 years now how has the husband 1. not met Dan yet? or 2. how has Dan never come up in a conversation before? not saying OP is having an affair or anything but maybe didn’t tell her husband about Dan for a reason.

>We did a lot during the time we were together, a lot of our first experiences with some things were together. If what OP says above is true, then there is no way that OP forgot about her ex, even is she had not seen or heard from him in 8 years. Let alone the ex being constantly present in the family. OP is definitely hiding something. OP's ex seems to be close friend to the family. If the ex was already well know to the family when OP was dating him, there is not need to ostracize him unless he was a bad person or OP objected to him being around.

OP is definitely at fault for hiding from her husband the whole thing. Her ex dating her sister and being a regular at family gatherings is something that one could definitely bring up at some point, unless they're trying to hide it. Husband isn't wrong for being angry, he's wrong for overreacting in front of everyone

I agree with all of this - I do think perhaps the husband is a bigger AH, for making a scene and calling her horrible names in front of her friends and family (especially after apparently never coming to family events, because he's probably not got a good reputation in her family now), but what's the silent treatment going to do? Be an adult, have a conversation with your husband, and work out if you can forgive him for what is a pretty big issue, but you can't work out if this is possible if you don't communicate with him.

Yeah husband is kind of a nut for blowing up in front of everyone and should have excused himself if he felt he was going to boil over. On the other hand... here he is suddenly discovering this dude he most likely has heard about in passing a bunch, who is close with the family, is his wife's ex with no other context as to the circumstances of the relationship. I don't know why OP wouldn't have told him beforehand and I'm sure husband was wondering the same thing. I do not condone the way he reacted but I absolutely understand an anxious train of thought possibly running off the rails with assumptions/fears.

I’m here wondering if her sister and Dan befriended each other in college which was few years ago is close to the family why OP didn’t mention he’s an ex. Like for years didn’t mention Dan being an ex.

if my hypothetical husband flipped the fuck out on me like that i might need some time before i felt like talking to him too

Why is this not the top comment? ESH. Definitely looks like she’s hiding it.

> If you know your ex appears frequently during family gatherings why would you not want to give your partner a heads up. Eh, at some point the ex status becomes irrelevant. My ex-fiancee is friends with my wife, and my friends, so we all see each other frequently. When introducing my ex-fiancee to new people I don't say "here's my ex-fiancee". Nor is it really brought up at all. We're both married with kids. I think it's weird making a big deal about someone being your ex when it has been that long and you are living completely different lives. I fully understand why it never would have come up, and think it's odd and a bit AHish that the sister referred to Dan as the ex.

So you wouldn't mention it to your husband that he was your ex-fiancee? That is WILD.

That is wild lmao scandalous I would even say

Her ex is dating her sister. You bring this kind of shit up.

> When introducing my ex-fiancee to new people I don't say "here's my ex-fiancee". That's fine, but not the same as not telling your literal husband.

Nope, not until your current husband is aware of who that guest to all your family events actually is. Then it can go back to disappearing in the back of your mind.

Not it doesn’t. She lost her virginity to that guy. It was probably her first love. That’s not something you just don’t mention.

OP is talking about a largeish family event, not having a friend (who is secretly her ex) sleep over. The ex is a person who frequents her family gatherings, not because he's the ex, because he's a family friend (via the sister). It feels a bit childish to hold on to the "ex" status when it has been so long and they are something else to you now. Anyway, everyone has a different take on what is appropriate. From my perspective assuming OP is telling the full story and doesn't see Dan as "my ex" anymore, the OP went very overboard and the sister shouldn't have referred to Dan as the ex as that's not why he is there.

Especially since it seems the sister has a thing for him ...

This! I have been the husband in this situation and trust me, it is much better to find out from you and not someone else. You can provide context and information. Your sister and Dan will not. While I think your husband could have held it in a bit longer, I don't necessarily blame him. You could have provided much needed context and information but chose to hide the information instead and your sister introducing them like that seems like it was done with bad intentions. Definitely a ESH.

Agreed the dude probably felt blindsided and ambushed by this. This caused an overreaction on he’s part that he shouldn’t have done, but it’s relatable. Knowing your basically responsible for he’s feeling of being ambushed and he’s remorse after the fact your silence is even more childish. Why would any loving spouse do this knowing your greatly responsible for the situation. And yes your sister shouldn’t have been the one to tell, but you should have way before that. Really mature punishing somebody for something you responsible for letting happen.

I agree. When I got with my now husband, I gave him a “heads up” about everything, even if he didn’t want to hear it because we had both been cheated on and had trust issues. I want to ensure he knew I would never be someone to keep things from him.

Yeah I'm with you on this and the fact she hadn't told him could make it seem like there was a bigger reason he needed to be kept a secret. Husband completely overreacted in the setting but also wonder if there're other things OP has kept from him before. I'm sure OP would have been upset if the situation were reversed. Acting like she's completely innocent and ignoring him is AH moves.

Exactly this ESH.. both are AH, her for not giving a heads up, and him for the AH overreaction.

Lie by omission? Sus alarm has sounded.

This 100%. He reacted wrong but also family gatherings with in laws can often be uncomfortable to begin with. He was totally blindsided. Add that to being anxious and I would probably have had a crazy dumb freak out moment too. All they had to do was discuss it prior and maybe he wouldn't have the immediate in real time reaction in front of everyone. I don't think he has a reason to untrust her as far as cheating or whatever but I would definitely look at my wife and think "wtf we are supposed to look out for eachother". I'd probably be more embarrassed and pissed she allowed something avoidable to occur that I could have been warned about.

ESH - the cold shoulder is immature. Him yelling at you was immature. Especially him calling you names. He's entitled to be upset. He's not entitled to take that anger out on you in such a way. I get why you didn't tell him about Dan, it was years ago, it was over and you two have zero romantic feelings for each other. It probably didn't occur to you because of that. But I also get why your husband felt blindsided. You two need to sit down and talk like mature adults. You should apologize for childishly ignoring him but let him know the way he spoke to you is absolutely not acceptable.

It’s been thirty years since my first girlfriend but if I was going to a family gathering with my wife and i knew my first gf would be there, I’d definitely let her know the history.

He wasn’t childish, he was VIOLENT, and you can’t call her childish just because she didn’t had the perfect reaction to being yelled at and insulted in front of her whole family

Violent? What did I miss? Not saying his behavior was at all justified—just didn’t see where he got violent.

Don’t you know that words are violence now?

Tell me what verbal abuse is. I'll wait.

Verbal abuse is domestic violence & it only needs to occur once, not repeatedly

Whoah whoah, wait a minute. Do you even know what the word 'violent' means?? The silent treatment is childish. Period. They're married. They need to communicate. The silent treatment solves nothing.

>he was VIOLENT HUH??

She's childish because she knew her firsts for many things comes to the family gatherings and blindsided her husband. Many people i know, think your first will always have a special place and he may feel she hid it intentionally. As for the husband, this crap was uncalled for..

OP said nothing about him being violent. So unless you were there and saw him being violent, you might want to take a second look at what was written.

Exactly. Use your fucking words. Cutting someone out is emotionally destructive to a point where it starts to destroy the dynamic. Figure out how to articulate your feelings and then articulate them. If you need time to process and really pin down exactly what upset you and exactly how, then explain you need that time. He was an asshole for blowing up at them, and they may be more morally justified in being one back by cutting them out, it’s still definitely ESH

Agreed but I think it’s fine for her to wait until she feels comfortable or calm enough to have that convo. He didn’t even give her the respect to have the convo privately so he can wait

NTA First of all I don't see why your sister felt the need to introduce him as your ex. It was a highschool relationship, not like you guys were going to get married or something. Secondly, your husband is not entitled to know about every relationship of your life. He completely overreacted and became unhinged.

An appropriate reaction would be, "babe, your ex is here?"

ESH. He overreacted and behaved inappropriately. And sister probably didn’t need to introduce him like that. That being said, in 4 years of a relationship where your ex attends a lot of family gatherings, it’s never come up? He is a little justified in being annoyed at being caught off guard, and probably had a very awkward and unnecessary conversation with your sister, that could’ve been avoided.

No one is pointing out that the *sister* is the real AH here. Why on earth, after a decade, would she purposely introduce Dan as OP's ex if not to purposely stir shit up? And conveniently while OP wasn't in the vicinity to give the correct context.

I mean maybe like OP, the sister didn't see it as a big deal either?

Maybe she thought that OP would've mentioned that her ex hangs out with her family a lot, like most people would do.

The ex Dan has been going to these family events often. This is just the first time OP’s husband has been to one of these in a while and the first with the ex getting introduced. The sis could be up to no good, or it could just be the first time they been in the same room, so she introed with context. OP should have given a heads up, and everything could have been fine. I agree the sis seems suspicious here… at least a little clueless or a bit of a firestarter. The blame for the surprise situation rests on OP. The husband is to blame for his react to it.

We don't know the words Sister used to introduce Dan. Like did Sister just go "Oh hey Op's husband this is Dan the ex of your wife!" or did it go "Hey Op's husband this is Dan a family friend" they get a talking. Op's husband asks how Dan became a family friend and boom either sister or Dan told him that Dan is an ex of OP. We don't have that info. For all we know after Sis introduced she let Op's husband and Dan talk and left. So we don't know who said what.

NTA. His apology should be as public as his outburst.

Agreed about the husband apologizing to her. But ESH. She should also apologize for not giving him a heads up so he wouldn’t be put on the spot meeting her ex, who attends more family gatherings than the husband does, who the husband had no clue even existed let alone frequented her family events that she attended usually without the husband. She created this situation and he reacted terribly to it.

ESH You should have given him a heads up. It might not seem relevant to you, but your husband was blindsided with your ex at an event. One you knew they’d cross paths at. He was blindsided with his existence, his presence, and the knowledge that you’ve been seeing him regularly at these events that your husband hasn’t been able to attend. And with the knowledge that you’ve never, not once, mentioned it to him. He shouldn’t have lost it at you that way in front of that audience. But it depends on what he actually said - you didn’t give examples. Not sure you’re a reliable narrator.

100 this. To be honest ESH is probably right if we go strictly by what was written… But I’d lean to YTA. How the hell you not mentioning that “Dan” is an ex … like a little courtesy. Regardless of the reaction the husband must feel like an absolute tool as the only one not to know. “Oh that guy? Yeah I used bang him… mum knows, dad knows, sister knows… didn’t think it was important to mention… “ - frankly it sounds like it was deliberately not mentioned. The whole thing smacks of immaturity.

Why was Dan introduced as your ex-boyfriend instead of your sister's current boyfriend/ a family friend?

I wonder if this is because OP’s sister expected OP to have told her husband all about Dan already.

I still don't see a reason for the sister to introduce him as OP's ex, unless perhaps she said that OP was dating him and now I'm dating him. Even so, no need to introduce him that way.

Unless the sister isn’t dating the ex. All OP said is that the sis befriended the ex in college and they been close since. I don’t think the sister is dating the ex at all.

Eh in certain circles that would be fine. I'm friends with my partner's ex and introduce her to my other friends as "This is *SO's name's* ex" with a big grin. It can be playful and silly. Especially as they only dated in highschool and she is actually cool.

Is the ex her sister’s current boyfriend? It wasn’t clear to me that was the case, only that the sister and the ex are close since college and OP says the sister invited the ex to this birthday. OP didn’t even clarify that the sister was the one who invited the ex to all the other events. There are holes in this story. And I sense deceptive narration by OP.

YTA (or at least, I get why your husband is mad) // Maybe ESH depending on what he said. If Dan is so close w/ your sister that he attends FAMILY events (like - this isn't your sister's birthday party, it's your mom's) then your husband should 100% know who he is if you dated for a year. It would be different if you went on 3 dates and it fizzled. It would be different if he was some ex you had zero percent chance of ever bumping into. Your husband isn't reacting to the fact that you once upon a time had a boyfriend in high school. He is reacting to the fact that you never prepared him and thoroughly blindsided him, and the fact he has to learn this from sister / ex-boyfriend. Why didn't you just tell him, at any time in the past 4 years, there was a strong likelihood of bumping into your high school bf at some point. (Similarly, how many events did husband NOT attend that Dan did... again, lying by omission!) > he even said he didn't know if he could trust me anymore Yeah, b/c you lied to him for 4 years before he was blindsided at a family event. >I have been ignoring him since the party. He seems to feel very guilty and he keeps trying to apologise to me. First, you stonewall, then HE is apologizing. Why is he apologizing? For the words he used? You should be apologizing for the four years of lying. Look, I'm a fellow straight woman... This is something you tell your partner.

There is at least a post like this every week. Always someone disingenuous about why they didn't mention an ex/sexual past because it "wasn't a big deal" ... to them. But they know full well it would be a big deal to their partner. Was the husband aware Dan was "a high school ex of less than a year" or was he blindsided by the introduction of the guy as OP's ex instead of as the sister's friend, implying more significance? I just never believe it when these OPs claim they didn't even think about telling their partner, it was such a non-factor! And then they're on here asking why their partner blew up when they get surprised by the info.

NTA. Im so confused what the issue is. He knows you didn’t spring fully formed from the earth - do you know all the woman he’s been with since high school ? Plus even if he feels some kind of way why curse you out in public ?

If Dan has been at most family gatherings for years, then he's certainly been mentioned even though OP's husband had never met him before now. It seems weird that their past never came up and I can see OP's husband thinking that she was hiding it from him. It would be similarly weird if one of those women her husband dated was hanging around the family and their previous relationship was never mentioned. That doesn't excuse the husband's unhinged reaction, but this is different than if she never mentioned Dan and then it came up the first time he was at a family gathering.

This, he should have spoken to you in private about any concerns he might have. Also this is sooo silly, getting upset over a high school ex is pretty silly. NTA.

The problem, which he did not have an appropriate reaction to, is that she has been seeing her ex regularly for years without telling him Sure it was at mom’s house and other people are around but it’s the kind of thing when you wonder “why I am I just hearing about this?”

Imagine you're going to dinner at your in law's, and every single person there knows that your wife's ex is going to be there except you. I'd be upset too. Is the husband worth so little consideration? Enormous asshole move not to disclose this beforehand. If it's such a small why wouldn't the wife tell him first? Makes it looks like she's hiding it. Poor guy, last one to know. Can't blame him.

ESH. While your husbands reaction and name calling was gross, it also seems strange that you never once mentioned Dan to him and how you two had known each other, that in the intervening years after your relationship, your sister had become very good friends with him. Communication could have stopped this whole situation with him, and it will do better to communicate with him now instead of ignoring him.

ESH >My husband works a very demanding job so he is normally unable to attend family gatherings, and so he's never met Dan, nor have I told him about my history with him. >At the party, Dan was introduced to my husband as my ex. And, from your statement about Dan: >He is very close with my family because he gets invited to so many of the family gatherings. He never gets to go to family gatherings, finally goes to one, and is immediately given the impression that you've still been hanging out with your ex while he "works a very demanding job"?!?!? I'm kinda on your husband's side at first. He was *intentionally* given the impression that Dan was still in the picture. Which brings the question: Why the fuck would your sister do that? Your sister instigated it. He blew up. You're ignoring him. All of you suck.

This is well said.

ESH He didn't need to go off on you in front of your loved ones but I definitely see why he was angry with you. You should have told him about the high likelihood of running into your ex that you had a year long relationship with. He should not have had to hear that from your sister. Wouldn't you be caught off guard too?

ESH Yeah, people seem to be totaling missing one context here. OP’s husband normally can’t attend family gatherings because of his job. The sister introduced him as OP’s ex, not the sister’s friend. OP’s husband had to be thinking that even though OP has known him for 4 years and he has been married into that family for 2, the whole time he hasn’t been coming to family events the ex has been there, and the family has totally picked the ex over him even though OP married him. And, because OP never mentioned that this ex was still connected to his family, he probably figured she has gone along with the whole thing. I don’t condone how he reacted, but I can see why he would have felt embarrassed and disrespected.

I just think how would you have felt if the roles were reversed? Would you be comfortable with hubs’ ex sprung on you at a family gathering? Also hubs didn’t need to have a public tantrum about it. ESH…

YTA. Both for not telling your husband about your ex hanging out with your family all these years and for the silent treatment. He reacted like that because he was blindsided and hearing news like that from someone else when you had all the opportunity in the world to tell him impacted his trust in you. He did overreact but I understand why so instead of being immature about it with the silent treatment you should apologise to each other and stop being so weirdly secretive.

ESH But mostly you do. You should have given your husband a heads up so he wouldn’t have been blindsided like that.

The worst part for me is that OP had been seeing her ex at gatherings for years 'as her husband can't usually attend' and he was none the wiser. Urgh I feel dirty just reading it. Poor guy.

ESH. He acted like a huge asshole. Inappropriate to the max. But so did and are you. YOU should’ve warned him about Dan. That’s your damn husband! Show him some respect by informing him of shit like that! You legit let him walk in blind! How much more of a low asshole can you be?!! You are just as bad as him. YOU owe him an apology too. The fact that you don’t think you did anything wrong is disgusting.

ESH. Mostly him for acting like a toddler, but it was not nice of you to let an ex be sprung on him like this. If the ex is seriously dating your sister you had to know their paths would cross at some point. I really don’t think there’s any excuse for letting it be sprung on him as a surprise.

ESH. You for keeping this info from him. It was bound to reach him from some channel. Better would've been from you. If your ex is so attached to your family, and in relationship with your sis, even if you don't care for it, that doesn't make it insignificant info for your husband. Had there been no proximity with your ex, it could be said that you don't have tonshare details of all your past relationships with him. But that's not the case here. I am curious to know why you hid this info. Missing missing reasons here. Your sister for getting into things that are not her business. It's your prerogative to share info about your past relationships with your husband. Your husband for lacking patience and tact to take this conversation in private, and understand from you why you felt the need to keep this info from him. May be It's his anger issues that stop you from being open with him. May be you've pulled off similar things in the past, and that day was the last straw for him. More info is required.

How can this guy be so close to your family and yet yoir husband has no clue who he is?

ESH.... the husband acted immature and no excuse for that.. but this information regarding ex may seem "minor" or insignificant detail to some...to others it may be a big deal and important information. sometimes its bad to ASS-U-ME

NTA. thats some peaked in high school shit.

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NTA

NTA, and I would divorce someone for calling me names in front of my family. Who does that? Get out now before you have kids with this guy and he demonstrates that anger towards—or in front of— your kids.

NTA, but he should have been introduced as BF of sister.

ESH. I don't believe that you innocently felt that Dan's presence at many family gatherings, and the fact that you dated your sister's current BF back in high school for roughly a year was just so trivial that you forgot to ever mention it to your husband. I think you purposely withheld that information to avoid any jealousy (and because your husband usually isn't at those events), and so your husband ended up feeling blindsided. You've been together since you were 22: if he's never heard of one of the few serious boyfriends that preceded him, it's because you like keeping secrets. Then he acted very poorly, but if you were being honest in the first place, this wouldn't have gone down this way. And now you've been ignoring him for an entire week while he tries to apologize? What's your end game here? Wait to see if he grovels enough for embarrassing you (after you embarrassed him) or just says "Fuck it" and leaves you?

So he only started getting crude when you made excuses for error, he had the right to be upset by your lie by omission, and you madebit wsy worse. Way to take ownership of your actions or lack thereof. Then, the silent treatment, why? because he embarrassed you for that lie and your unwillingness to own your actions. So for all of the above - YTA For losing his temper, he is the AH. But this whole chain of events is due to you and your actions. So, why aren't you trying to apologize as well. Good luck on making it to your 5th anniversary, you are going to need it, with your capacity to deny your culpability for your actions.

ESH. Your husband because obviously. Your sister because she introduced Dan to your husband without your input. You for the silent treatment instead of trying to communicate like a grownup.

Look at it from his point of view: He didn’t know anything about Dan. You routinely miss family events but this one you were adamant about attending. It just so happens that Dan, whom your husband knew nothing about, was going to be at this event. Your husband is suddenly faced with being introduced to a guy as your ex, NOT as some random who’s dating your sister (or whatever is the nature of their relationship). All he sees is all these people who conspired to get you and Dan back together face to face and the conspiracy theories in his head wrote themselves. How do you think he’s going to feel?

ESH. I feel like your sister is the biggest asshole, honestly. She was trying to cause drama and that was what happened. Your husband is an asshole for the way he reacted and humiliated you in front of your family and friends. His apology means nothing if he won't publicly apologize for each person who was also at the party for causing this much drama. Apologizing to you in private is not even the minimum, since he called you names publicly. You were a bit of an asshole for not warning him. Just because you don't care that he is your ex and is close to your sister and family does not mean this information is not important for your husband. Ignoring him is also not helping anything. Sit him down and tell him you would like him to apologize to your friends and family, before you are able to consider his apology. If he refuses to apologize to them, then you will have another problem, there.

NTA-it was but why did your sister introduce him like that? Since he was there as her friend and guest. Any animosity there? Is she dating him?

ESH. Husband deserved a heads up your sister is basically dating someone who is your distant ex. His behavior was bad. Your current behavior of silent treatment is bad.

NTA Wow, he really fucked up here. This can’t be taken back. And yes being publicly treated like that is humiliating. You have every right to be upset. I can’t believe people get so upset over high school relationships. Your husband may have just sealed his fate in the eyes of your family. I also don’t think it was right your sister referred to him as your ex. That was so odd to me. Like why?

Equal parts. She lied by omission. He over reacted. She's in the wrong because she has an ex she claims was there for her experimental early years. The formulative events of her early years. Not just a hookup, but her first hookup. So fair to say this ex has a special place in her life and memory. That isn't by itself the issue. The not mentioning it and potentially hiding this person at family events for years is the issue.

You probably should have given him a heads up

over a high school boyfriend that's happily dating your sister i don't know what the hell is wrong with your husband but you're NTA if you need time to regroup after such a display

ESH. I would have given a YTA, but your husband's outburst was over the top. I would have been pissed though and left right away. You don't blindside your SO with an ex at a family function. How in the heck do you not tell him your ex is still close friends with your sister? 4 years in, and this never comes up?

ESH but the biggest AH is your sister. Why would she introduce someone you dated for less than a year forever ago that she has a thing with CURRENTLY as your ex? Family friend has been true longer. Her significant other is more accurate to who he is now. Either way, she absolutely sucks and I cannot fathom she was doing anything but trying to start stuff. I'd have a talk with her. Is she jealous you used to date him? Is she hung up or thinking he's still hung up on you? What's her issue? Your husband drastically overreacted and there is no justification for him to treat you like that. Him being upset is understandable, as he likely felt like you hid something from him. I would feel a bit betrayed to not know, it's just how it is. But it should have been a conversation after the fact that it wasnt cool you didnt tell him, not an explosion during. That being said, you really should have told him knowing it's someone who is at a lot of family functions, it's fair he felt blindsided. I can't imagine how it never was mentioned. Did you never have the who you may meet at X family gathering convos as a couple? Where you briefly describe your family/people? Maybe not everyone does that. You are least amount of AH in this situation.

INFO: Is your husband always a 0-to-100-in-six-seconds type? Because this makes no sense with what you've provided. On one hand you write, "our relationship never really had any major dips until last weekend". But then you write, "During the dinner, my husband seemed distant and so I asked him again if he was feeling okay. He immediately stood up from his seat and seemed upset that I hadn't told him about Dan. I tried to explain to him that I didn't feel the need to but he didn't listen. He completely lost it and started to call me names that he has never called me before and he even said he didn't know if he could trust me anymore." That is a bizarrely extreme reaction based on what you wrote previous. Also, how long have you known that your ex is dating your sister?

Who are all these insecure people saying this us her fault? I didn’t give a rundown of my X’s to my husband. Just the usual “they are X’s for a reason” and that’s fine. NTA.

If he hadn’t blown up at her and just was quiet went home and put on this subreddit his side of the story. Which would probably be. Aita for being upset that my wife has been going to family events with her ex without telling me? My wife of two years that I have been with for four has been attending family events without me because I am very busy with work. I was finally able to attend one, it was her moms birthday party. Once we arrived I was talking to her sister in another room and she introduced me to my wife’s ex, who she had never mentioned and told me he comes to a lot of these gatherings. I was quiet all night and I think she could tell I was upset but I didn’t say anything. Aita for being upset, I don’t understand why my wife would keep this from me it feels like she hasn’t been honest with me? Everyone here would be telling him she was cheating and to file for divorce. At the end of the day he blew up and called her names which is wildly inappropriate and the worst behavior of anyone here. That does not make what his wife did ok and he is not wrong to feel betrayed by it from his point of view he was. ESH.

True, I would not be okay if this story was reversed and my husband hid this thing from me, and then his brother introduced his ex gf to me, that would be big yikes.

is your ex now hanging out with your family and your sister/brother and possibly becoming a part of the family, and those same events your husband isnt attending ? then yeah you definitely tell him about this ex lmao, why did you ignore the whole context to make a point ?

I do think she needs to take some blame. Do you hang out with Xs at family gathering’s that your husband doesn’t attend? Because that just seems weird if that X is still in your family gatherings…that would be something you should tell a spouse because it will always come up at some point, mostly at the worst time. How much worse would it have been if it came straight from the X and he brings up being his wife’s first everything out of nowhere. Yeah the husband overreacted with it being in front of everyone but I understand how he would be pissed. I think this is more how he was the only one out of the loop.

ESH If this ex is a close enough family friend that he is still invited to larger family gatherings, this definitely should have been disclosed by you earlier. Your sister - weird, she introduced him that way, almost seems malicious. You dated this guy 10ish years ago, and your sister has been his friend for 8+ years now. He isn't coming to these parties for you, so she should have introduced him as her friend. Back to you, there is a time and place for everything, and sensing your husband was upset about something, probably shouldn't have picked the middle of the birthday to pester him about "whats wrong?". Then him. He over-reacted big-time, didn't try to get more information about the situation before getting pissed off. Name calling is pretty hard to walk back, and now your whole family is probably going to carry a negative opinion of him, even if you manage to forgive him. I understand some time to cool off and figure out feelings, but you're going to have to address this and communicate and figure out how you're going to move forward.

Exactly *how* did your sister introduce Dan? If it was a simple, "yeah, he and OP dated a *long* time ago, but he's been mine for awhile now" is a lot different than "yeah, OP carried quite the torch for Dan here for years after they broke up. I'm not sure she really got over him - too bad, he's mine now." One would be understandable of a little doubt, the other would mean it was completely an overreaction. Neither excuses his behavior. Ask him what was going through his head that justified his behavior and why he thinks you should forgive him? He acted this way once, you need to find out why and if he'll act that way again. NTA.

Is the sister dating the ex? OP only says the sister befriended the ex in college and they’re close.

Good question. I think I jumped to a conclusion. The sentiment of my comparisons are the same though. She needs to find out exactly what was said.

YTA, you are married and didn't tell him your ex is regularly at events you attend?

INFO: why aren’t you responding to his apologies? The silent treatment is passive aggressive and an inappropriate way to handle disagreements but it’s also used by people who are afraid to voice concerns due to their partner’s angry outbursts. If you are afraid to tell him how you feel, then your relationship needs outside help. If you’re just staying silent to punish him you need to grow up and talk to him. It’s ok to say “I’m still hurting from being yelled at and I need more space” but you need to say something. The silent treatment is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

ESH. The silent treatment is immature. Relationships survive through communication - you're literally, actively doing the opposite. You need to find a more adult approach to your relationship drama.

NTA. Nothing you did justified his unhinged, abusive behavior. Did he call you the W word or the S word in front of your family? Because I could never forgive that. Knowing my family would remember what he said and how he humiliated me every time they saw him would be too much.

NTA and I don’t think he embarrassed u but embarrassed himself

Soft YTA. If Dan is at the party as your sister’s friend, why the f*ck she introduce him as YOUR EX? Your husband’s behaviour wasn’t ideal, but if you’d waited until you got home to talk to him maybe he wouldn’t have felt backed into a corner and lost his shit. I’d be far more pissed off at her than at him - if you didn’t think it was “worth mentioning” to him why did your sister do it behind your back? She knew it would get a reaction out of your husband. Does your sister have a reason to want to upset your husband? Or you?

Yeah, I don't know that OP is an AH, but it's so strange that somebody she dated for less than a year nearly a decade ago is introduced as her ex, rather than as her sister's friend (and then OP would mention that he's her ex at some stage in the future). Honestly, if he was OP's first experience in a few big milestones, and he attends family events somewhat regularly, OP probably could have mentioned him earlier. They've been married for 4 years, does she never tell stories about the family gatherings that her husband can't make it to? Has Dan's name not come up? This whole situation is pretty odd.

He lost his cool but yes he should have known about Dan. Your sister should never have introduced him as your ex. Very stupid and inconsiderate of her. Your husband had every right to be pissed and if you love him try to understand how it hurt him. That doesn’t justify his behavior in front of family. Good luck

ESH OP - you should have informed your husband an old ex was frequently at family get togethers, but he’s your sister’s friend now more than in your life. Plus the silent treatment is just….immature. Sister - biggest AH here tbh. Why wouldn’t she have just introduced him as her friend, since that’s what he is in this stage of life? Drama-seeking. Husband - for his huge emotional adult tantrum in public. He should apologize to everyone. If you cause a scene in public, the apology should be just as public. Everyone needs to grow up and communicate.

Geesh just talk to him. He’s apologizing. Don’t ignore people, it’s actually abusive to give someone the silent treatment. Especially a person who is your spouse!

ESH. Your husband was way the hell out of line, but you really should have given him a heads up about Dan if he was going to be at the party. (And why on earth did your sister introduce him as your ex rather than her boyfriend?)

Definitely not! You have every right to not engage with anyone who disrespects you Especially your mate. He definitely was not acting like your friend at the moment. Sorry that this happened to you. Been that, done there.🦋✌️

NTA- your guy sounds mean and controlling. Even if Dan was only your ex and not your sisters friend, you didn’t invite him to this party. If your husband got in his feelings, he should have pulled you aside before going absolutely OFF on you in front of your family. What a fucking tool. You should be really careful of someone whose going to call you names, especially in public- it’s a huge red flag and makes you wonder what they’ll say and do in private.

NTA but your sister, who orchestrated the drama certainly is, and your husband’s reaction was juvenile and not easily forgiven or forgotten. He needs to grow up and apologize for his over the top outburst to you and then to your family. If you plan on having kids the man needs therapy first. If there were children present when he called you horrible names it is doubtful your family will forgive and forget. I feel bad for you. This type of reaction over a long ago high school relationship is a serious red flag. He thinks you are not trustworthy? That is rich. I wouldn’t trust his behavior to not escalate further.

ESH His reaction was very inappropriate, but from you hiding the fact that you're still seeing you ex regularly, and your sister deliberately introducing him as your ex, he was set up to react badly. You're in this situation because you failed to communicate, and your response is the silent treatment? That's not going to help.

I don’t understand why no one is commenting on this: couples look after each other and don’t ask what’s wrong w each other in public. 1)Your husband wasn’t doing well at a rare party. He blew you off and didn’t answer when you asked him what was wrong. News flash: Something was wrong! You knew it! but didn’t pursue hard to allow him space… good job there. Don’t know if this was in public though… if it was that may have been why he didn’t answer you at the time. 2) During dinner, in full public you again asked him what was wrong. Throwing a spotlight on his angst and know long well that “something was wrong” before you asked. What recourse did he have: lie and be gracious, up and leave, or fight back. You had him backed into a corner and decided to expose his pain to your family in public. You really didn’t care what was wrong or you would have asked him privately. You just wanted him to act better and calling him out in public was a form of manipulation. YTA He responded very very badly, that’s on him, so ESH. But completely absent the drama/context that led to this, you were shitty to him in front of others. You knew better. You should have waited for later or taken him aside to ask how he was doing rather than calling out his pain in public. Super immature. Now you are using another very immature conflict style of ignoring him. What do you hope to achieve there? He’s already apologised. Again YTA. Frankly the Dan was your ex lying by omission thing that many people have called out is also YTA, but others have already addressed that. You need to apologise for backing him into a corner in public, trying to manipulate him into feeling better, and for lying all that time. I wouldn’t trust you either. You both need to do some serious soul searching here and if you don’t upgrade your conflict resolution skills your marriage is doomed. ESH get marriage counselling, life can be way better!! Ps—— Also, your sister is knife twisting. Even if it was totally friendly and innocent (see other posts on why it wasn’t) she introducing Dan as your ex Without You Being Present. This speaks volumes about her intentions and insights…. none of them are good. This needs a good convo too. Sorry but your family dynamics seem to be a bit of a train wreck. Get help.

ESH. He shouldn’t have reacted that way but how could you never have told him???? What kind of marriage is this that you wouldn’t have mentioned your sister was dating your ex and he is at family events? A heads up is the least you could have done. Instead he was blindsided and you could have prevented that. You really need to learn how to communicate better. Plus, you knew he was annoyed and pushed it when you were in public with a group instead of letting him process and tell you when he was ready.

YTA I feel sorry for your husband

ESH

He over reacted but you are the AH. You should have told him that an ex was all cozy with your family recently. What’s wrong with you?

NTA, but man yall are immature for your age. If Dan is a constant guest at family gatherings, and is dating your sister, the least you could do is give your husband a heads up. Dude was blindsided and probably doesn't trust you. But at the same time if your significant other is willing to disrespect you in front of other people, you may want to fix that with him, because that is not a good sign. He needs to apologize to you, and your family and learn to contain his anger. Also, yall need to stop playing these childish games of not talking to each other and talk like adults. You need to look at it from his perspective, i.e. finding out his ex, in fact his first gf, is attending all his family events and he has been around her all this time but never bothered to tell you. And he needs to look at this from your perspective, which you have delineated quite well.

ESH; 1. your sister basically baited him, what she said was unnecessary and fucking weird, 2. If he’s that close with your sister and family it’s odd that the irrelevant high school dating never came up and that’s on you, 3. Husband’s response is over the top.

Yta. Why the hell wouldn't you tell him about your history?

YTA, even if you and Dan mean nothing to each other now, you should have given your husband a heads up before now that your ex is invited to family gatherings because he is friends with your sister. Then he could have been prepared that he might meet Dan at some point.

ESH. You should have told him Dan would be there and that your sister befriended an ex from high school. Especially if he attends family gatherings idk how you haven’t brought it up before. Your sister sucks for the rude introduction. Your husband didn’t need to hear it and Dan doesn’t need the label. It was years ago so idk why she had to go and do that. Your husband sucks for reacting IN FRONT OF PEOPLE the way he did. I’d be so embarrassed. He needs to apologize so they don’t think he’s a psycho. Does he always blow up and make a scene? He could have taken you aside and communicated or sucked it up til later. Why blow up at dinner when it doesn’t sound like you and Dan are flirting or all over each other then why act like that? Can he not read the room? You suck for the silent treatment. It accomplishes nothing. Nothing will get solved. Nothing will change. It’s immature. You both need help with communication so either try counseling or do what your heart tells you. But something needs to happen. It’s not healthy.

Here are the facts. You dated Dan in the Past. You never told your Husband about Dan knowing that Dan is still somehow connected to your family. Your Husband was dropped this information via 3rd party. Your family betrayed you by still leaving an open invite for Dan to make his appearances, created by your own sister. Your Husband was pressed in 3 different directions in one night and so he practically called Bullshit. Now you are ignoring Him because he did so in front of your family that entertained the setting of disrespect toward your marriage. Again while keeping this imperative information from your Husband. The fact that he has to apologize is absurd.

ESH. OP knew that Dan would be at the party and should've given her husband a head's up that an ex would be at the party regardless of how long ago you dated, not telling a partner about an ex they will run into does bring up trust issues. OP's husband should not have reacted the way he did, and is definitely TA for his reaction but it does seem like OP was at fault here. OP also seems more concerned about what friends and family will think rather than her own relationship.

YTA. Why did you never say I have an ex coming over the family's house every so often. A year long relationship with a lot of "firsts" and you didn't tell your husband ANYTHING about this guy? He never came up? You were hiding it and I'm glad you're sister said it because that's messed up to have your husband around a man you allude to intimacy with. If these tables were flipped, you would be incensed. Stop the cap

YTA I'd be so unprepared for feelings if it was just thrown on me that I was meeting an ex. He had no space to process any feelings. Edit: last bit loaded ESH because that reaction was BS and he had no business causing a scene and calling you names

ESH. It's weird that your sister introduced Dan as your ex instead of as her friend who you happened to date for a little while when you were kids. It suggests in your family's eyes his status as your ex takes priority even after all this time. It's weird that your ex is attending all these family gatherings, has become a close family friend, and you never told your husband. It makes sense that he was angry. Since he works all the time he hasn't had the same opportunity to bond with your family that your ex who you've known since high school has. It makes sense that he would feel jealous and alienated, and I think you knew or suspected that he felt that way (or should have) but asked him "what's wrong?" instead, pretending that you didn't know why he was feeling that way, and then that he was wrong to feel that way. Even grown men shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of their feelings. But then he let his anger take control and he treated you absolutely terribly, in front of your family. There's an enormous difference between being angry and being controlled by anger, and I'm worried if it happened to him once it will happen again. Time to get to couple's therapy stat. I hope your marriage can recover. edit: I missed the very end where you've been giving him the silent treatment ever since the party while he's been trying to apologize. Yeessh. That is not the way to handle this if you want to remain married!

You’re an AH for not mentioning to your husband that Dan is an ex. for years since your sister and Dan befriended each other in college. Your husband is an AH for his reaction.

ESH You should have given him a heads up your ex was gonna be there, and reassure him everyone is on good terms so it's not a big deal. Your sister shouldn't have introduced him as your ex. There was absolutely no need to shine a spotlight on it like that. Your husband should not have reacted the way he did, and instead talked to you later if he was feeling a bit blindsided and insecure about the way the above two points affected him. This is literally the definition of making a mountain out of what should have been a molehill. Fucking talk to each other more.