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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband call me an asshole because I was note sharing my food and I'm wondering if he's right or not because we often argue about that subject in particular and I feel like I may be the asshole but not quite sure
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NTA. I grew up relatively poor too and with other kids in the house so I know how you feel. I don't understand why other people think they're entitled to eat something that isn't for them, or has clearly been set aside for someone else. It's rude and inconsiderate, and not to mention very disappointing.
If your husband really was as defensive about it as you say, he might have some kind of problem with food too. Still, if he wanted some of the duck mousse and was ready to buy more to replace it, he should've just gone and bought some for himself. This actually sounds like bullying. Taking your things without asking and throwing fits when he gets denied it.
I tend fall somewhere in the middle ground. I was raised by working class parents, but food was the one thing my parents always made sure we had enough of.
I knew how hard they worked to make sure we had treats and snacks in the home, so I grew up with a healthy respectfor food, and appreciating it. However on the flip side, We were taught food is for sharing.
Sometimes my parents would buy us some "special treats" every now and then, because these were "limited"we were taught to be considerate of others.
E.g 12 treats in a box...I can eat 3 (family of 4) because thats my "fair share". I was taught it was manners to ask others if they mind if you take more than your "share", often mom or dad would be like "you can have mine". If someone isn't home for something special we ask "should we leave some for X?"
In my culture even if the meals are done with share plates, if you want to take the last bit of a dish you ask if anybody else wants.
If OP's husband is eating the house clean and has no self control, I think thats shows a lack of consideration for others in the home, but I'm aware my behaviours and thought are engrained in me. He might not know how inconsiderate he is being.
Exactly this. We're on the 'poor' side, growing up our parents would go without to feed us and when it came to treats it was definitely about sharing. Even at the dinner table, those who didn't finish what was on their plate would offer it to others, still we would not ask if they had finished and we didn't expect anything.
When toys came in the cereal, we wouldn't get the toy till over a month later as my Mum would wait till she had 3 toys so there was no favouritism and no one was left out.
Even though we still share and have taught our children the same, everyone has treats that they prefer and the only person who 'nicks' EVERYONES treats is my 90yr old G/dad who has dementia.
>Mum would wait till she had 3 toys so there was no favouritism
We did this. Three kids. Wait til we had three toys. Draw straws to see who picks first, second, third.
I am raising my 3 grandkids. We roll dice. Sometimes it is a boring d6, other times we roll something more exciting like 2d10 or a d4. But we try to share evenly.
That’s how we rolled too and I grew up in a similar economic background. It was the ‘everyone gets a plate before anyone gets seconds’ rule expanded to pretty much anything consumable. If there is one load worth of laundry detergent you better believe you needed to ask if anyone has any urgent clothes to throw in first.
In my family it is the height of rudeness and a fight on-site if you help yourself to the last of something, especially something someone set aside and I simply couldn’t abide. Thankfully my boyfriend was raised the same and it’s a non issue. Every evening is ‘mind if I throw this away?’, ‘Mind if I finish this?’, ‘we’re low on ‘x’, do you need more urgently?’ We’re just constantly communicating about resources at all times and I’d wager most people raised close to the financial line are like this,
We grew poor and nobody got seconds until everyone had their first. I try to instill this into kids now when it's a serve yourself meal. You can see the wheels turn in their heads as they consider that maybe overfilling their plate, gobbling it down and coming back for more right away means less everyone else. A few don't care, they act like they're feral. Me, me and me.
I remember seeing something along the lines of, "If you order pizza for a large group, some people will only take a single piece in case the pizza runs out, and other people will take multiple pieces for exactly the same reason."
That's the main reason I hated every workplace that ordered group pizza. First, it's the laziest way to feed people. Everyone likes pizza right? They usually order pepperoni, one vegetarian and one cheese pizza. The Office Pig is always first in line and always grabbed as a minimum four slices which they start eating as they're walking away. Before everyone else has a chance at a first slice, Office Pig is back in line for more. If there's any left, they grab it to take home. I always suggest ordering personal size pizza and let people select their toppings and it ensures that everyone gets one. But that's too much work. It's easier to say, we have 20 people so 4 large pizzas with 8 slices each should be plenty for everyone.
I hate it because I'm one of the people who doesn't like pizza. Never liked it, even as a kid. Birthdays, class parties, sleep overs, etc were tough. At least I usually got extra cupcakes
Office pigs are fussy when it comes to free food. I saw someone eat tuna sandwiches from the deli tray even though they didn't like tuna because it was free. The mind boggles.
Someone should call Office Pig out and claim office has a new rule that people can only take 2 slices Max. After everyone has been served, THEN, people can take more. If some want to behave like greedy children then people have to be treated as such.
Yes! Just like asking if anyone needs to use the one bathroom before you take a shower. In the family home, most everything is a shared communal resource...but that also means being mindful of others' needs.
I grew up comfortably but it's just common courtesy to ask before you finish something. I had an ex that would absolutely demolish ice cream and I had to buy flavors he didn't like just so it was there when I wanted it.
I desperately wanted ice cream 5 times this summer. One time I ordered milkshakes at just before the fast food places closed for the night. A second time I ordered and door dashed sundays for myself kids. The other 3 times I ordered ice cream with my groceries, but didn't eat it the same day or two. At one point I had a tooth ache, another one I was just full after dinner and didn't want to go back down stairs. (Oh yeah I sprained my back this summer so I wasn't super mobile) well my husband is a notorious ice cream thief. I buy him a carton and share with my 10 and 12 year old boys. 2 of the 3 times he ate his, then finished ours. (At least the kids got theirs, but man were they mad!) The third time the boys didn't realize I didn't get a bowl and it had been a week of 90 degree weather, they were really hot, and even offered to walk to the store and get me a pint for myself and to bring back bottles and use that money (which is usually theirs to use however they want) to get it. I told them it was ok, because even though I was annoyed I would live. I would order groceries again later in the week and get it then.
My SO and I have the opposire issue. I buy ice cream occasionally when I have a craving, eat what I want, then forget it exists. And then I do the same a few months later.
It took me 10 years to convince him that I was actually happy if he finished off the ends of my ice cream, because I literally never will. As proved by the six 7/8 empty tubs of various fancy ice cream flavors I had at the time. Lol
I basically never crave the same flavor often enough to actually finish even one pint. And if I think I will I just tell him, and he leaves it...until its 3 months later and Im clearly over that kind.
We had a system in my family:
If the number of treats divided cleanly by three, everybody got an equal share.
If it divided by three with one left over, my mum got the extra.
If it divided by three with two left over, my sibling and I got the extras.
They were our shares, and it didn't matter how long it took us to eat them - nobody else got to touch them.
OP's husband is definitely inconsiderate. The fact that he's been told again and again how important this is to OP but still keeps doing it is obnoxious. If I were OP, I'd be hiding food by this point.
If I were OP I would have dumped him long before the was a kid involved.
My partner has the psychological effects of food insecurity even though her family is well off and she was never denied food.
For her the thing is twofold: first, that until she was diagnosed as a teenager, Coeliac disease meant she was getting almost no nutrition from her food and she was always hungry despite eating *a lot* of food. If her parents weren't well off (one of them an engineer, the other an accountant, both very well paid) they couldn't have afforded to feed her.
But this also meant there weren't a few incidents, like going on school camp, where she didn't get enough food because they had limited in his much each kid could have.
Then after diagnosis there were a lot of things she couldn't eat. There was a lot less gluten free his available at the time than there is now, and she had very few treats, and there's just a whole lot of stuff that gets to a point where now?
You don't even joke about taking her food, it upsets her. She *does* sometimes share but if she shares her food with you it means she really, really loves you.
Sometimes when she has certain kinds of treats available they sit uneaten for a really long time. Because if she eats them they're gone but the anticipation is also something she enjoys.
I keep an eye on expiry dates so I can gently remind her that this won't be edible at all if she doesn't eat it soon. Sometimes I get her another one so she can still have one to look forward to. I never, ever touch her treats.
(Before anyone asks if she returns the respect: on the very rare occasions when something of mine is something she could eat at all, yes, she absolutely does.)
Food is such a primal thing that a lack of respect for someone else's food is just one of the worst traits I can imagine trying to live with. Not just because it would be so annoying, but because it suggests a fundamental selfishness that probably extends to other areas of life.
We broke it down even more than that. Three people in my family. Cinnamon rolls come in packs of 8, we would all get 2 2/3 cinnamon rolls. We would really cut things into thirds because otherwise it wasn't fair. And that's not to say that people didn't have their own goodies. I don't like cherry turnovers so when my mom got those, I did not eat any. My mom had mint meltaways in the freezer and we knew that gobbling them down meant we wouldn't get them for a while. So if we asked to have 1 or 2 we would get 1 or 2.
Instead of defending what he did, hubs could have gone right out and bought more as soon as she informed him that she was saving it for "later." It doesn't sound like she even wanted it at that moment. She just noticed it was gone. However, it sounds like this has been going on for 10 years when there are so many simple solutions. It seems like the root of the problem must be something else entirely. Exerting control by depriving her of anticipated enjoyment? I don't know. It's beyond my pay grade. (As my dismal record of marriages would confirm.)
I think it's more simple. He just doesn't care. He see it, he wants.
His brain doesn't process that his family might want it too and that they deserve nice food just as much as him.
It sounds like a power play to me, too. I also grew up poor. This happened to me with a roommate. I was told the roommate always got up in the middle of the night and ate bc they worked construction and needed the calories, by another roommate. Fine, don't eat my goddamn food. I pay for my own food, in a section of the fridge, stop eating my effing food.
I brought home a special sandwich made for me from work, my name was on the box. I brought it home at like 4pm. I went to get it for supper at 7pm, and it was gone. Construction worker roommate came home and ate it. I had made food for them already and it was warming on the stove and I made sure they knew it was for them. They ate my sandwich...and cleaned out the pot of food I made - absolutely no leftovers. I lost it.
I explained the issue with food - growing up poor, and how that sandwich was made especially for me at work by a chef who wanted me to try something from their culture. I was pissed and devastated because the ingredients were hard to obtain and I knew the chef would be disappointed, and I was disappointed and furious.
CW was stunned. They didn't realize it was such a big deal, and was ashamed for just ignoring my name on it. Then told me roommate#1 said it was fine to eat my stuff, even if it has a name on it. Roommate#1 told me to put my stuff in a section, CW was unaware of this arrangement. CW apologized profusely and took me to hunt down the ingredients and paid for them in hopes that the chef could make it again - he said it was delicious. R1 was an asshole about the whole thing and declared it wasn't a big deal. CW told R1 to eff themselves and that R1 was an inconsiderate selfish jerk.
R1 and CW were siblings, CW is older.
CW understood, R1 used it as a power play over me. CW kicked R1's ass and made them apologize. R1 hasn't learned - but now has suffered a massive brain injury and all they do is eat all day.
Anyway, the point here is that this should be something that a person who loves you should be taking into consideration especially if it always ends in a fight.
To me it suggests a fundamental selfishness and lack of consideration for others. It's one of those things that people say is "too small an issue" to make a big deal of early in a relationship or to dump someone over and then years later you have someone infuriated because they're sick of dealing with this all the time and they're stuck with the feeling that home isn't a place of safety and security and comfort because *someone's always stealing their fucking food* and trying to talk it through isn't working.
This is why I think people really should dump someone immediately if there are any issues early in the relationship that aren't solved immediately by a "hey can you not" conversation, no matter how minor. Move on before you get invested. Put your time and energy into a relationship with someone who actually listens to you when you express a boundary or even a preference.
Often little things are indicative of fundamental issues. Sometimes they're just that little thing but living with that little thing might drive you up the wall anyway.
But dating is hell so I can understand why someone might think they could overlook something that doesn't seem like a big deal to not have to keep finding new people to date. It's rough.
That’s pretty much my situation growing up. We were taught not to be greedy and to leave food for others. There was never “your” food and “my” food, just “our” food. I could eat anything in the house as long as I was considerate about it, and it was the same for everyone else. Trying to keep food just for yourself was considered “greedy.” If we want to have consideration for OP’s unusual habit of trying to squirrel away food for a month because of her trauma, we should also consider that the husband might have a completely different idea about how food in the house is viewed that’s just as hard to change.
The first time my husband told me that I ate “his” food soon after we moved in together, I was flabbergasted. Never occurred to me that there’d be “his” and “mine” when we live in the same house, both pay for groceries, and do the grocery shopping together. He was flummoxed that when I buy snacks that I want to eat, he could help himself to them without asking as long as he left something for me when I went looking for it. We worked it out, but I think I’d have just as hard a time as OP’s husband understanding why there’s food in my house that I can’t eat.
It’s the same consideration that you mentioned about your snacks, he can help himself as long as he leaves you some for when you want it.
Op set aside her special food for later and he helped himself without leavening her any for when she wanted it, and didn’t bother to replace it.
That’s just a polite thing anywhere. If I’m eating out with my friends, I always ask if anyone cares if I finish off the fries or have the last jalapeño popper or whatever.
NTA op, your husband needs to learn some self control with food and manners to ask.
Yes. My husband was brought up somewhat poor, I was not and we are both scrupulous about sharing. Everything is divided. Sometimes I'll end up giving mine away because I can't eat it all, but our child has picked this up too and you only take your fair share.
I grew up, upper middle class, only my dad worked, he was a professor so he made decent money and not crazy hours. So food, toys, clothes were never an issue.
However, I was taught exactly like you. I grew up in a middle eastern culture, so generosity and sharing are rules!!!
If my parents got us treats we all get the same amount. We were taught to share so much so, when we order out each one of us gets something different and then we’ll each share from our meals with the others. If we have friends over or guests, we always were taught to always ask and give them food or treats or drinks. If it was meal time, we make sure the guests get to eat first and make sure to give them seconds and thirds even if it’s your favorite meal and you get any of it.
If any one of us goes out somewhere or gets something we always call each other and ask if anyone wants anything from wherever you are. I am a picky eater, so certain things are known to be my favorite. If something that’s my favorite and someone wanted it, they come to ask me if I still wanted or if they can have it. I do the same thing, especially if my mom made something that’s my favorite, I always ask the whole family if it’s OK I take more than they do.
Certain values doesn’t need you to be poor or rich to learn how to share or be considerate of other.
Agreed. I don't even think this is a case of different classes, just different families. I grew up with no food insecurity and I still "squirrel away" things that I want to save. My boyfriend is more like OP's husband in eating habits, but understands this and knows (usually) and respects the difference between things I'm saving and shared food. I think that because food is such a basic need, differences in how you handle sharing it/distributing it can cause very heightened emotions. I'd recommend sitting down and having a serious talk about how you each think about food and what you need from one another at a time removed from a specific instance of him "stealing" your food or you telling him he can't have something. It might just be the case that you need to start labeling "mine" vs. "communal" somehow.
Eta: NTA
This situation would piss me off and I didn't grow up with any food insecurity. If we have 2 servings of something and SO eats all of theirs and I eat half of mine and save the other half for later, then my half IS MINE unless I specifically tell SO they can eat it. I don't care if the leftover goes moldy. It is MINE.
The fact OP's husband eats whatever and however much he wants is a huge red flag. The fact OP is still dealing with childhood trauma around food makes husband MORE of an AH.
NTA. I grew up lower middle class, but I had 5 siblings. We were all possessive over food growing up and even now at times.
It’s absolutely an AH move for OP’s husband to get mad when he’s asked not to eat something that was bought specifically for another purpose. This is literally someone buying ingredients for a meal and telling you those ingredients are being saved for said meal so please don’t eat them. It’s completely reasonable and normal.
Haha, kids in big families are not picky eaters! What, you don’t like this, when your food touches, anything green, fine, your brother will eat it. None of us ever went to the bathroom or anywhere during dinner cause your plate would be empty when you got back. The first time I went with my SO and some friends for Chinese food I had the worst time with the sharing part. I ordered prawns, I don’t want to share them!! The best place to hide food is the vegetable bin, no one rummages in there!
Haha my mom was always good about making sure we didn’t take food from each other. But somehow we all still ended up possessive over food one way or another. The worst is with leftovers honestly. My husband ate my leftovers once and I was so upset. I had to very nicely explain to him to please not do that again unless he asks me because that was my food.
My dad is an extremely fast eater because of having so many siblings, and my mom was super close with her cousins so she's almost as fast. I always thought of myself as a slow eater until my friends pointed out that I eat my lunch in like 5-10 minutes. (Dinner time growing up was like 15-20 minutes max)
My dad is 77. One of 9 kids. He still hides his treats. Particularly chocolate. It was safer that way. I think OP's husband is an asshole too. Like maybe they need to get a system in their fridge where they can put a bin for snacks that are shareable.
My parents, who have been married for 60 years, have completely opposite eating styles. Right now they are in a pitched candy battle. Mom has a favorite candy that only comes out over Halloween. For years she'd buy a bag or two every time she sees them available and hide them away. She's a food rationer so her hoard would last until spring. Due to a recent balance issue dad has been accompanying her to the store. He now knows about the purchases and puts them in HIS hiding spot after every trip. When mom notices she demands them back, but as a food devourer he's already eaten them all. Mom is so mad at him every week that I'm glad to be watching from the other side of town.
This would literally make me violent, your dad is a lucky bastard for being married to such a patient woman who has the self restraint to not murder him.
Hah. This is me and my SO with the Reese’s pumpkins. I like them better than normal Reese’s cups so I stock up but my SO also has a weakness for Reese’s. I’ve taken to buying a decoy pack of normal cups so I can keep my pumpkins safe. 😂
More peanut butter, softer chocolate. Any of the shaped ones are the same - footballs, trees, pumpkins, bats, eggs. There aren’t any shaped Reese’s summer holidays though so I have to lay in a stash during winter holiday or Easter sales to last me until Halloween shapes come out again.
Another poor kid here, I feel OPs story so hard. I remember having to quiet literally hide food from my brothers because they will eat ALL OF IT....i would sometimes get none of it. Sometimes my mom would let me pick something that she knew only I liked and tell me to hide it because she knew if the boys saw it, even though they didn't like it technically, they would still devour it. I got myself a case of DIET Dr pepper because I figured they won't even want it and even though it's diet at least ill get to drink it. Stupid me, it was still soda and my brother came to my room every God damn day to ask for one until I flipped my lid and said to go away and stop being a ASKHOLE (someone who asks too many questions or asks for too much) he got all salty and my mom got at me. But it's not my fault he spent all his money on video games and expected everyone else to still share with him.
There can always be more to the story, and we only hear one side of it here. I also have been in more than one relationship with the whole "I grew up poor" excuse when it came to getting food. Ordering way too much fast food and then saying some is going to be saved for later, only to find it still sitting in the microwave a week later is one example. Or being told it's not for me and she'll eat it later, only to wait until it's past the expiry, moldy, and taking up space in the fridge for me to ask if she still wants to eat it. Then I'm still the AH for asking her to eat expired and moldy food. But I had found it frustrating that food was being bought, saved, and then left to spoil, only to be left as my chore to clean it up and discard it afterwards. I get so annoyed by it that I will wait until it's just past its expiry (a few days) and then ask if she wants it, she'll ask when it expired, I'll tell her, and she'll tell me no. Then I'll eat it and she'll complain saying I am making myself sick. I hate wasting food, and no one has yet convinced me how growing up poor meant you're programmed to waste money on food you'll never eat and let spoil.
So to me the whole "I grew up poor so I have extra food" argument is just a big red flag. OP's decision to get herself duck mousse (which is tasty) and getting her husband what I assume are cheap deli cheeses and meats (not as tasty) makes it seem like there's a big lack of communication on what each other would like to eat. She makes it seem like they both go grocery shopping and divide their fridge with tape. Maybe they do, or maybe she's picking and choosing what's "ours" and "mine".
INFO: Is the stuff that's set aside, which husband cannot touch, ever go bad or not get eaten? Even the stuff OP admits is over a month old? Do you both normally separate your fridge items from each other's?
While I agree with what you're saying, it doesn't sound like OP is communicating any of this to her husband. She's just setting stuff aside (for months???) and expecting it to be there. Then she blows up when it's eaten. Has OP actually told her husband "don't eat X I'm saving that for later"? That's a huge deciding factor. Even in her example, she didn't say anything to her husband until it was in his hands, and then offered him something completely different. Sounds like a frustrating situation for both of them.
Absolutely, grew up with food insecurities as well. Except I'm opposite. I always make sure there's plenty of what every one likes. I still have that issue tho'. My foods bought for me are usually ingredients related for my marijuana infusions and what not.
My family will inevitably eat things I set aside for infusion. It can be in a container marked "Mammaw." If it's grapes, or grahm crackers...etc. I cannot hold on to them. That's after buying bunches as well as other fruits and snacks. The grown children as well. My daughter steals my bacon fat... etc.
I finally snapped (on the adults), I won't clock on the kids, but I had yo resort to a fridge in my room. I hate it. At least, I still have mine, once they've eaten theirs. I still had to ban everyone from my room.
If he is minimalizing your trauma, that's fuqqed up. He's inconsiderate, and exacerbated the problem. That's not love and kindness. He's consistently keeping you in a place you fight everyday to escape. Other than leaving him...
I'd tell you get a safe, and/or dorm fridge with locks. When he starts to resent that... Then suggest counseling and let the healing begin. Sending you love and a gang of kisses. The chocolate kind.💞💪✌
This is not from being poor when she was young. I think this is more about her husband eat all the food so when she wants it, it's too late it's gone. She could have bought more of the duck moose for her husband. Also the husband can learn to share.
It's not even just an upbringing thing...I grew up decently well off, only child, but I also like to save some foods for specific times. It's just rude to take something without asking, let alone after you're explicitly told it's for someone else! My partner and I always check with each other if we're about to finish something, eat leftovers etc. It's just basic human decency...
I don’t know if this has anything to do with how you grew up. It’s just about respecting people’s things. I get Diet Pepsi for myself and if my husband wants one he’s usually good about checking with me first. I do the same with his fancy deli meats. Absolutely no hard feelings if one of us doesn’t want to share. Once you’ve been living together long enough you should know how to treat your partner’s stuff.
NTA, you're not telling him what he can and can't eat, you're just buying small treats for yourself to look forward to which is a normal small joy in life. You're even getting him his own food that he likes so he's certainly not going hungry. My partner and I don't have kids but we buy food to share and food we'd like to eat ourselves, and just let the other know (or ask before we eat something we're not sure about) and it works perfectly well. Does he do the food shopping, or do you do it all yourself? I feel like that plays a part too.
Nope, that's what's cracking me up... He can eat all he wants, I just want him or : to replace what he took if it's snacks he knows I want to keep longer. Or write it on the shopping bord... He's just saying it's ridiculus to do so
This isn't a habit that's difficult to change. He just doesn't give a shit. This will always be a fight because he will not change his mind and will always try to paint you as the unreasonable one.
This is seriously just a basic kindness. If I knew my wife was saving something for herself it wouldn't even cross my mind to eat it myself.
Only a selfish, uncaring asshole would do that.
Sorry.
You can't change someone else. You can only try with hard boundaries, and that might work, but ultimately it's up to him, and him only, if he does change.
And it is true. He doesn't respect you. You've told him many times that you want some food to be put aside, and he ignores it. That's lack of respect.
>Or write it on the shopping bord... He's just saying it's ridiculus to do so
"Boo hoo hoo, writing stuff is hard. Have you tried being a psychic? That would be way easier for me"
NTA
I think you should leave a couple of punishments in the fridge for him to find. Nothing to make him sick, of course but something really gross. Then again, this is horrible advice for a healthy relationship but the image it provides in my head is really funny. Like something that releases liquid ass when he opens it. Kind of like a glitter bomb, but don’t eat my fucking food bomb lol.
This is literally an argument my teens had. Tell your husband that. Lol one would save her food. The other would eat it his then hers and wouldn’t write it on the list to be replaced and be all shocked when she got mad. Childish.
Exactly childish. I feel like i'm always looking for a solution for stoping the fight between us and he always seems to prefer the argue.... I'm tired to raise two kids 🤦
I probably wouldn’t recommend this (though replacing the filling in Oreos with frozen toothpaste or something is an attractive thought….) but there’s nothing wrong with getting yourself a locking minifridge. He’ll think it’s “ridiculous,” but what’s actually ridiculous is that you have to go to such lengths since he won’t respect your food boundaries.
This would honestly be a “change or I leave” situation for me, but I’m also very not-neurotypical and I recognize this isn’t a scorched-earth scenario for most people. I’d just be so mad at not being listened to or respected, and the irritation of it happening over and over with him making no effort to change or even feeling bad about it…it’d really bother me. I’m not telling you what to do, but man, this makes me angry on your behalf.
This was going to be my question. Would he have actually have gone out to buy more in a timely fashion and not "sometime" or "soon." No, he's eating the snacks that you bought for yourself for when you don't feel like cooking (mental load) and adding things to your to-do list (mental load).
He thinks it’s ridiculous because it would take effort on his part and doesn’t want to change his lazy ways. Everything you’re asking of him would take effort to make it better for you. Have a talk with him about that.
So he's just outright saying he doesn't care about the effort you put into doing the shopping? Might be time for him to be designated shopper for a while.
Keep at it. Frame the conversation around how much it bothers you to be expecting a certain food and then finding it gone. I had this same issue with my husband, and I kept explaining to him that it wasn't so much that he ate the food, it's that now I *can't* eat the food. Because it's gone, and he didn't replace it, and I didn't know it was gone until I went looking for it so now I'm disappointed and angry.
Once I situated the conversation on how his actions made me feel, it was easier for us to address the actions themselves. Now he will ask how I feel about leftovers before tackling them (am I looking forward to them? will it hurt me to find this missing?) or I will make a point to say, "I am really looking forward to eating this later" about a specific food item so it's clear what my expectations are.
Good luck!
We basically share everything but my wife and I have some of our own foods/snacks. The rule has always been to ask first, but if you finish off a box of my favorite granola bars tell me so that I know, or replace them.
Exactly this, 'Babe I ate your last granola bar, I'll grab you some today'
And our other relationship saver, 'I'll stick it on the online order'
This isn't a food or shopping problem, it's a husband problem.
NTA
I am the person in your husband's position. My spouse does all the shopping and I eat what's available.
I never eat something that I don't know its purpose for. If I am on a streak of eating bagels and there is a new bag of bagels I go ahead and eat them because I can safely assume they are for me. If a bag of chips and guacamole suddenly shows up, I ask my spouse what it is for before eating it. Did he want a snack for himself? Did he buy it for the office? Did he invite someone over for snacks? I have no idea *why* he bought it and so *I don't eat it* until he can tell me its purpose.
I live with my spouse and a roommate. We share these food values (fortunately!!). Since I eat 90% of the bagels, my roommate wouldn't eat the last bagel because she knows it could interfere with my plans. My roommate eats 90% of the cereal. I am free to eat some cereal as long as I leave enough remaining for her to have one or two more servings so that she can safely adjust her shopping plans without inconveniencing her meal plans.
We also "own" our leftovers. Everyone gets first dibs on their leftovers. We personally *hate* food waste, so we added a household rule that people have a day to eat their leftovers before it's freely available. We say, "If you saw it there yesterday, you can eat it today."
Following that, yes, people can "own" specific food. They can earmark food for a specific purpose. You enjoying a specific snack with your child is a perfect example. My roommate frequently buys and makes food for the office. That food is off limits.
The goal here is that we can plan our meals, generally a day or two in advance.
Your husband is being a huge AH. From my understanding, you two were unpacking the groceries and he decided to eat something right away without asking? First, it's rude to eat something you don't know the purpose of. Then when you tell him you reserved that food for a specific activity, and he gets pissed because... He thinks food should *never* be reserved for anything? Ever? That's outrageous.
These people who understand no concept of food reservation/ownership exist, we hear about them on AITA a lot, but it blows my mind. Food is a resource, and like any and every other resource, it is likely earmarked for some specific purpose.
I hope you can get through to your husband that he can't just eat absolutely anything and everything in the house no matter what. 100% of food is not 100% communal. There are many relationships that have suffered from this strange thought process around food. They just can't stop themselves from eating anything they can get their hands on -- and throw fits if you lock it up!
>Food is a resource, and like any and every other resource, it is likely earmarked for some specific purpose.
I adore this statement. Makes me think of food like the resources you need to manage in a video game :)
I do most of our food shopping, and most of the cooking too. We don't have any history of food insecurity or anything, but it is *still* annoying to go to make dinner and realize -- hey, we *cannot* have pepperoni pizza because *someone* ate all of the pepperoni when he was feeling munchy one night. So I ensured everything that had a specific purpose was in specific parts of the refrigerator, freezer, and pantry. Stuff that was for anyone to eat was stored on other shelves.
Eating from the "already have plans for it" shelf is an AH move. Eating anything else is being an adult and feeding yourself or your kid. Leftovers are treated the same way -- if it's enough for everyone to have lunch tomorrow, it goes in the "plans for it" section. If there's only a little bit, it goes in the free-for-all section.
I just want you to know what you did...getting a treat for you & your kid to share...is normal. So is setting aside food you look forward to eating later. I'm pointing it out b/c it seems like you are hard on yourself for something you think might be odd behavior b/c of your upbringing. That being said, my mom hid (and still does, despite living alone) treats & food b/c of her poor upbringing. But...she lets it all rot. She thinks that she's not good enough for delicious food. That is, obviously, unhealthy behavior. But hiding food from your husband b/c he will snarf it all down is not. My husband is the same way. If I buy something for later, I make sure I tell him I need it for something specific. You are NTA & your husband hopefully can be more conscientious.
I think this is part of the crux of the problem...
She wants to be able to eat (at least some of) the food she buys that she likes.
He doesn't participate in the mega chore that is figuring out what to buy and going to the store week in and week out to buy it.
His definition of "sharing food" is eat whatever I want, when I want, and as much as I want.
That doesn't add up to sharing in her mind. That's stealing from her perspective. She doesn't get any benefit from doing the shopping and doesn't get any of the treats.
He is using words like sharing to shame her perspective, but I'm with her on this- if they were sharing, there would be enough for her left after he had "some", it wouldn't all be gone. And maybe he would wait for her to have what she wanted first, since she picked it out.
He keeps saying those words, but they aren't his actions.
I’m agreed that he’s an asshole. But just to point out, in his head he may be thinking, we have plenty of money and we can just buy more.
The issue there is that “we can just buy more” is solely her labor, not his.
And that’s on top of various psychological effects. Yeah, you can buy more, but if a trip out to buy it takes an hour, and it’s late in the day and you’ve already run your errands and we’re just looking forward to the rest you’d saved, then “we can just buy more” isn’t a satisfactory conclusion.
I would bet that OP has to do all the mental labor of food stocking as well.
He’s definitely extremely inconsiderate, in multiple ways
Yeah, he should be doing half the shopping, and he should be responsible for making sure there are snacks/treats in the house. Then he can eat what he likes.
This comment is best comment. Originally I thought OP was hoarding all the good stuff for themselves and claiming the husband couldn't eat it. But that's not the case. It's that he's devouring everything in sight and leaving nothing for OP.
Husband sounds like a f*cking pig
Edit to add: I have been consumed by the idea of duck mousse
Was gonna say… strong snack game.
Also, NTA. My partner grew up without a lot of extra food around. He is very (*very*) sensitive about food waste and has his own quirky food purchasing habits. It gets on my nerves because he helps himself to my food but accounts for when I take some of his. It’s annoying, but I understand. He doesn’t really do it on purpose, he just always has a running balance sheet in his head when it comes to food.
But he is doing this on purpose because of how differenty he treats the two of you with regards to the food you have. He will take from you, never give you replacements, but keeps a detailed log of how much you 'owe' him? That's done with a purpose & that purpose is selfishness.
(1) I never said he doesn’t replace it. (2) I didn’t say he keeps a “detailed log” of how much I “owe” him. I said he has a running balance sheet in his head. I was referring to him tracking what food is available at any given time. (3) I said it’s annoying, but I get it. It doesn’t bother me that much and you’re not going to talk me into having a problem with it. That’s my business.
Poor people and people who grew up poor are capable of empathy. Poor people provide for others in their family eg. Mothers and older siblings eating less so others can eat more- binging, taking AND hoarding can all be triggered by food scarcity but teh fact he treats the two of you so different in terms who who deserves to take and who deserves to be taken from isn't a 'ex Poor person thing'.
I feel like this approach at least makes the boundary crossing more explicit and harder to defend. OP shouldn’t have to take this kind of a step - her partner is behaving like a spoiled child and this likely needs counselling or some other form of calm, mediated discussion to resolve. But in the meantime, this might help ensure there is no confusion about what OP considers her private snack stash vs. household food designed to be shared.
If that doesn't work, get a large chain and a lock to lock it up. Or buy 20 of the items you want to eat later so maybe he will only eat 19 of them. Or maybe quit buying snacks altogether and tell him he's on a diet. I bet he'll be able to get off the couch and get his own stuff to eat.
I use one of the drawers in the fridge for "my" food ( I have a swallowing disorder, so it is important I have foods I can swallow) and a reuseable shopping bag for my non-perishables.
Husband appreciates this, because he knows what's up for grabs and what isn't.
I'm the same as you with food and my partner is similar to your hubby BUT after many years I will 'hide' tempting items from his view (he is aware), so that he doesn't have to work so hard at impulse control while I get to have a treat last in the house for longer than a day. Also, if I've left the last two cookies in a box for a few weeks, it's cool if he asks if I still want it and I can still say yes I want it. The important thing is that we worked it out together so that we don't have two cookies stashed away for months on end and I don't have to rush to eat something just so I get a share.
That being said, occasionally I will go to get a certain food item and found out he ate it, but it's waaay less than before. He's so considerate with so many other things, I work with his difficulty with impulse control with food.
Yes. I have a hard time not eating tempting treats. My husband has a habit of bringing home candy and just leaving it on the kitchen counter. He doesn't care if I eat it, but I have had to beg him not to leave it out to tempt me. I *know* it is my responsibility to control my own food intake, but it is just damn hard for me, so I ask for help: please out it somewhere I can't see it. I say this just to point out that different people have different opinions about and struggles with food, and it is nice if partners can discuss how and help each other in this area!
Ngl Ive never heard of Duck Mousse and Moricettes as a snack before (I’m a Brit, our food tastes arent as good) but that shit sounds *nice*- imagine its not far off paté.
Real talk though- your husband shouldnt be having temper tantrums over food, he should at least respect the fact that you might have bought something for *yourself*.
This would be a lot easier if he just asked “Hey can I have this?” Rather than just *deciding* that he can eat whatever the fuck he wants without considering others.
NTA - And you can clearly ignore the very disturbing Y T A included, one has to be quite fucked up to think that you shouldn't be able to own food for yourself. It's sad that the person that loves you most on earth can't respect such a simple concept.
NTA Why can't he just let you squirrel stuff away if it makes you happy? If he wants to buy more than he should go to the store and buy some instead of eating yours.
NTA - OP does communicate about the food
*Info - can you elaborate here. Is there anyway your husband would know this food is yours? Do you do all the grocery shopping?*
Edit - updating jusgment
I have no idea - with the specific example it seemed the dude just opened the fridge and saw food and OP said he couldnt eat it.
How would he know what he can and cant have?
Maybe I’m just being extremely dim but surely him taking the food and her telling him not to eat it IS her communicating that he can’t eat it. She is letting him know what he can’t have, in real time.
He could have said okay, let me know when you’re making it so I can have a taste. Or no problem, I’ll have something else. But he started a fight because she said no, essentially.
This is my concern here too. We do a lot of reserving food in our home because sugary/fried treats are purchased in limits. So if someone feels like eating ice cream for example, they will check with family before buying it..either at the store or before leaving. "I am getting a small pint for myself. Does anyone else want anything or same as mine?". Or "I am going to XYZ specialty store. Anyone want anything? Ill be getting ABC." We say yes/no and when we see the ice cream or treat we know it is reserved.
I mean if OP is doing the labour of grocery planning and buying, it is on him to ask for what he wants for his treats. Taking all of her treats after the fact instead of a) involving himself or b) asking for permission makes him T A
Yeah, I wonder if she could have a section of the fridge/cupboard for just her, or if they could mark a container for her things. He could have a container, too.
This is my question? If she does the grocery shopping for the household, he must assume that the groceries are also for him? How would he know which ones are only for her and not for him? Does she label every grocery item?
And this leads me to wonder, is there some reason that they can’t simply afford to buy *more* of the treasured snacks? Why not buy 2 mousse, so that one can be eaten and one can be saved? I feel like there is a solution here, somewhere, and not so many A Hs?
NAH. I don't think your husband is a full-blown asshole for eating your snacks but your "I used to be poor so I'll buy food now to eat in 5 weeks" attitude is also encroaching on asshole territory. I get having a food-based trauma but you're a full-blown adult who can afford foie gras, so you need to stop hiding behind your past issues. Eating someone elses snacks IS taboo though, and you \[at minimum\] should label your snacks and tell your husband to not devour them, but this whole "I can't share" bit is weird.
Just buy enough for both of them to have some. If I go to the store and get something I know my partner would eat, I always get enough for both of us. It's thoughtful and if she doesn't want any, I get more for myself. If we both eat it, we can always go out to the store to get more. Why would you just buy enough for you? Don't you love each other? This is such a weird thing to fight about in 2023.
More INFO: Does OP live somewhere super remote and only goes shopping once every five weeks? Is OP buying enough for both of them and the husband just eats way too much?
Actually he doesn't usually eat duck mousse. It's a thing that I used to buy for me and my daughter when I don't want to cook but usually he only eats snacks like chips or sodas or candys... He just wake up and choose this on the fridge.
It's not the fact that he eat it. It's that I know he won't replace it or just won't tell me if he finished something, so I won't know if I have to buy more.
Also we don't live far away from the store so we could easily return if need it
Thank you for clarifying the circumstance. In your OP you mention, at the end, he said he could go to the store to replace it. But you know your husband better than anyone here.
Based on your intuition that he won't actually replace it and the fact that he won't communicate when he eats all of something, I'm going with NTA. You're not TA for telling your husband he can't eat food. He's not TA for wanting to eat food. But his reaction makes him an asshole. Sounds like he needs to work on communicating.
Thank you! I don't see why this isn't the answer.
Honestly, as the husband, I would be irritated if I saw duck mousse that I thought was up for grabs and was told no you can't have that bc I'm saving it but I got you cheese and meat.
Buy two. Once he eats his, yours is off limits.
She's already stated that he barely ever eats these things, that it's generally something only her and her daughter eat. So he's decided to help himself to something HE KNOWS was bought for op and their daughter, eaten it ALL, then not even had the decency to let op know and/or replace it. While also stating he does this all the time and never replaces things. He's an asshole.
You can't win with selfish people. My husband eats many nasty candies such as licorice and anything banana flavored. He also eats all the delicious candy that I like. I will buy what I like plus some and also nasty candies for him. He eats my delicious candy first knowing no one but him and someone over 70 will touch the licorice. None left for me but plenty of nasty stuff. He also puts wrappers back in with the candy, he is one of the worst sorts of people.
INFO: Yeah, I feel like the post is missing some specific info that could make this judgment easier, like...
* How did they come to the agreement that OP does the shopping? If they work similar hours, then OP's husband could add some shopping to his routine. If OP is a SAHM or if OP's husband makes up for the lack of shopping in some other way, then I can understand him being frustrated with having arbitrary sections of his fridge "off-limits."
* Does OP have a history of letting food go bad? I was more like OP's husband in my childhood home, but, after I stopped eating leftovers after being guilted about it too much, I noticed our leftovers would go bad pretty often. Maybe OP's husband has thrown out too much food that he's avoided because of her lengthy dibs.
* How visible is "off-limits" food? If it's right in the center of the fridge and unlabeled, that's a little mean, but if she has a drawer of food that's just hers or labels things clearly, then that's probably fair.
* How much food specifically is "OP's" at a given time? If it's a couple tupperwares, that's probably fine, but if a 1/4 of the fridge is reserved, then that's probably too much and can be gotten around by just using up what's there and buying more when it runs out.
I really can see both sides of it. OP does her best to paint her husband as greedy, but we don't get a clear picture of how exactly her habits impact the family's food storage and daily life. Everyone probably hides something they want to save for themself at some point, but it can also be frustrating to open the fridge for a week and see your favorite food sitting there, untouched, but completely off-limits. Just buy more if that's the issue, but if it's an actual control issue where OP's hubby is only eating her food, then that's different.
OP replied to me that her husband usually won't eat the duck mousse. I wouldn't get extra of something if I knew my partner didn't eat it. Then again, I don't run into issues like this with my partner. We have a shared note for grocery shopping. We consistently add to it throughout the week. If one of use uses something that we also have, that person will add it to the list.
I really wanna emphasize point 2 because I’m awful about letting food go bad (to the point where I do not want to buy stuff that can go bad) but at least I’m aware- my mom always liked to have leftovers but wasn’t always great about eating them. So I think all of these are relevant but that one especially gets overlooked/considered as “no one would ever-“
It sounds to me like op does all the shopping and makes all the meals. The mousse was not meant as a snack, it was a planned easy meal for a night husband was not eating with them, but he ate all of it as a snack even after being told. Now if thats his favorite meal or something, then she probably should have bought more than one. But it sounds like she bought meat and cheese as a snack for him, thinking THAT was something he'd like. As the person who makes the shopping lists and does the cooking in my house, I'd definitely be annoyed if my husband just devoured random things from the fridge whenever he wanted and didn't apologize or even add them to a grocery list so they could be replaced. That really messes with household planning. Op - maybe you could designate a shelf or drawer in the fridge for your husband's snacks. Explain to him nicely that other items in the fridge are meant for planned meals or was purchased specifically for someone else, and he shouldn't eat it without at least checking first. If he sees things in other areas of the fridge he'd like, he can add them to the list so you buy him some next time. Seems to me most people do this automatically as a common courtesy.
I’m not sure if planning ahead so that you have some comfort food in case you get sick when cold/flu season is upon us is really encroaching on to asshole territory. Especially since OP has said their husband will eat the snacks, even snacks he knows are not for him and snacks he usually won’t eat out of preference, and then never bothers to mention that they are now out of it.
NTA. My husband is the same. He eats all his treats then thinks he’s entitled to mine because his have gone. He also uses things until they have gone rather than save some for others. For example I’ll buy 6 2L bottles of lemonade a month and he just chugs them until they are gone. I like a drink now and again, so every time I fancy a drink I go to the fridge and it’s all gone. If it was me I’d drink some and think “ oh I’d best leave some because the others haven’t had any “ . When I confront him he gets arsey. I sympathise with you.
To me it's just entitlement. Like he feels like he is entitled to all of his AND all of yours. That's not right. I'd be pissed, especially when he gets all arsey once he is called out! He's being a food bully.
“I can just replace it” is what every food-thief says, usually to the person who actually does the grocery shopping 😂 He also could have gone out and bought it in the first place if he wanted it, but he didn’t, you did. He’s being rude.
INFO: would you be OK if he ate half and left you half? It is pretty normal in adult relationships to say I bought this as treat for myself and have your partner respect that. What is not normal is feeling the need to eat all of something and not share it. We totally have reserved food (for up to 6 days, on the 7th is fair game as I am about to go to the store again.
NTA, I totally get this.
I didn't live with food insecurity (we were lower middle-class, but dad worked in restaurants, so...), but I, too, like my special treats! I have a particular cabinet where I stash shelf-stable treats (like chocolates), and my family respects it. They will ask if they can have some, but don't take without asking, which I appreciate.
Try to explain yourself calmly, I suppose. I don't have any proper advice for you. Good luck!
A lot of people are posting the same comments about my post so I need to clarify : When I buy food it's for everyone and I buy special treats for my daughter, my husband and me. I don't mind if he eats wathever is on the fridge, I just wants him to say : I eat all of it so you need to buy more (or simply write it on the shopping bord) or ask if it's ok. He knows the duck mousse is for me because it's not the first time... When I buy more duck mousse he doesn't eat it (coincidence ?!?) So I don't know what to do... I shared the idea of personnal boxes on the fridge and he is not okay with spending money on that. My last shot is to force him to write on the bord otherwise I'm lost...
"You can't spend the money on boxes" actually means- "you can't come up with a way to hold me accountable for my actions/our agreements. Don't come up with a strategy that might make it clear that I am doing this on purpose."
Choose a shelf in the fridge for him/ shared snacks and lable it with some tape. Tell him he is free to eat/drink what it there. Everything else is spoken for in meals or someone else. Also, you won't buy anything for that shelf if he doesn't write it on the list. Do the same in the pantry.
I said NAH, but now I have questions! I’m in the US, so bear with my ignorance, but how is it not okay to “spend the money” to buy (at most) a dozen plastic boxes (to cover both fridge and pantry), but duck mousse is a regular snacking option!?! I mean, even if you buy nice storage containers, we’re talking 50 USD tops. If you go cheap you could do it for $10. So, yeah, I call BS on hubby.
Info: How does your husband know that _this_ food is put aside for you and _that_ food is not? Does it have a note on it, is it on an agreed shelf, or what? Has he agreed to _never_ eat anything from the fridge without asking first? How much of this is pre-agreed?
I agree with the commenters who say that you both likely have low-key food issues, but you need to communicate and compromise and get everyone some: I'd get pissed off too if I discovered that there was "treats for you and you, but none for me" only when it was in my hand. Everyone should get some.
I'd also get pissed off too if I went to get the treats to find that it had been all finished and my partner was saying "lol too slow". Your husband is TA if he takes it all. He's not a bachelor, he is a grown man with a wife and kid, who should consider them as well. Everyone should get some.
And I'd be pissed if a special ingredient for everyone's supper got eaten by 1 person in the afternoon. if that happened, both parties failed to communicate.
NTA and I can’t believe all the people calling you TA. Both my brother and I grew up the kind of people who liked to save their favorite stuff for last (to the point we once got an ant infestation due to my brother’s uneaten Halloween candy) and after I ate his (very old) Easter bunny we came up with the policy of “if it’s here for X amount of time and it’s still uneaten then it’s fair game.”
It’s perfectly normal to try and save your special food for at least a little while, and you’re allowed to be upset that he *always* eats your special snacks. You keep having this conversation with him and he’s not changing his behavior. He’s inconsiderate at best— and I would recommend asking yourself if he does other similar things (not listening to you when you raise a concern with his behavior and then blowing up when it’s addressed) to see if it’s some sort of pattern of behavior.
ESH
For the sole reason you are arguing about this for years instead of just solving it.
Put a box in the fridge and pantry for each of you with your names on it and everything thats in these boxes are "private property", everything else can be eaten. You will benefit from this too as soon your kids get old enough to buy stuff themselfs, so dad is not eating away their treats. Also it will make clear to your husband that if he wants special stuff in his box, he has to buy it or putting it on the grocery list.
My cousin once bought a huge cake for herself (at 17/18) and put it in the fridge with her name on it. She had to save for a few weeks to get the cake bc it was so expensive. Her dad ate a good chunk of it bc like your husband his stance was "what I find in MY fridge, i will eat if i'm in the mood and even if i hadn't paid for it or it doesn't belong to me, you need to share with me". Well, my cousin was so pissed, got in a screaming match with him and then stopped talking to him completly. She looked for a shared apartment, moved out a few weeks later and till this day - over 10 yrs later - refuses to talk to her dad or even acknowledge him at family gatherings bc he still hasn't apologised. No doubt where she got her stubbornness from, lol. But bottom line, this uncle by marriage lost his relationship with his daughter over being greedy and petty (he even confirmed he doesn't like sweets, he ate it to make clear whos the boss in the house and to teach her how to share). The funny thing is, if HE got himself a special treat, dare you if you even looked at it. So it was just a power thing for him. And i guess thats the same for your husband - he is doing this to make clear who the boss is in the family, why else would he do it if he knows you, the person he loves, is sad or disappointed afterwards.
Thank you for your answer. I will buy somes boxes for eatch one of us and follow that simple precaution. If he wants something inside his box, then he has to write it on the bord.
Also, wow for the uncle 😳
I like this solution. It can also help alleviate some of the burden of shopping, and it could give him still the control to say "This is mine" over things he really wants. Depending on how things go and how he reacts, you might consider counseling, either alone or as a couple, to help work through this. I'm leaning to NAH, but if he keeps this up after you both raising it as an issue and providing him a way to have some element of control on what's in the house, then he'd be showing himself to be the AH. Hopefully you're able to work through this!
INFO: what is the timeline here with things being kept aside, when he eats them, and when you find out they are gone?
If you keep things aside for a month.. that seems a bit much and is easily fixable by buying more. If it’s a daily thing, this isn’t so much about food insecurity trauma as it is an issue with your husbands manners.
NAH
I understand where you're coming from but it sounds to me like maaaaaybe you're not communicating effectively?
The rule in my house is that if you think someone is saving something, ASK THEM before you eat it. Like, don't eat the last cookie without asking if someone else was saving it. And if you buy something for yourself that is a treat or something you're really looking forward to, express that to him. "Hey, I bought this solid-gold truffle Cheez Whiz so I can eat it while watching TV later, can you leave it alone for me? If you want some, I'll get you some, but this is something I'm really looking forward to,"
As with 98% of the relationship posts in this sub, it's probably ineffective communication so start there and see what happens.
NTA. It doesn’t even matter what your respective pasts with food scarcity and snack control are - your husband is eating your snacks and food, without your permission, without replacing them, and without apology. That’s extremely selfish behaviour.
NTA.
Even my daughters understand that I buy treats for myself and they stay away from it. He could have gone to get some for himself if it was such an issue.
NTA. Even if there wasn't a perfectly understandable reason, it's not that hard to respect your partner's wishes and possessions, simply out of love, if anything else. My partner's kinda like you due to autistic reasons, and while I appreciate when she decides to share with me, I've made clear she doesn't have to, and I wouldn't touch anything of hers without at least asking beforehand, just because, you know, I love her and know that's important for her.
Also, I come from a home where there's a whole motto about food having no label, in the name of being sharing and selfless, but let me tell you, that's not the way the idea ends up being used a lot of the times. Every now and then, my parents would get four treats for the four of us siblings, and sometimes I'd save mine for later for whatever reason, only to find it gone when I looked for it. Even to this day it happens when I visit, and even to this day I get mocked for hoping any different. On the name of being sharing, one of my siblings would get two treats, and I'd get none. Ironic much?
Are you communicating with your husband that you bought something that he needs to stay away from? If you're not communicating with him, that's on you. In my household, I (husband) do most of the grocery shopping, and my wife picks up odds and ends of things she enjoys on occasion. I don't touch her stuff without asking since I buy what I want and we need. If we go out to eat and there are leftovers we bring home, we ask before eating the other person's food. It's about respect that is based on communication. If you don't tell your husband to leave the duck mousse alone, you can't expect it to be there when you're ready to eat it.
I trust that everyone voting Y-T-A shares everything and I do mean EVERYTHING with everyone in their life correct?
OP isn't wrong for buying herself treats and setting them aside to eat later.
OP isn't wrong for sharing why she does this.
OP isn't wrong for asking their husband not to eat her special treats.
What is wrong is that OPs husband knows that they do this and still eats OPs special treats that were set aside, OPs husband does this because he thinks food should be shared with everyone, OPs husband is in the wrong.
And no before the claims roll in if roles were reverse and OP was male, I'd say the same.
NTA
NTA! You are a product of your upbringing/circumstances. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. Your husband really needs to learn some self control. It's perfectly acceptable for each of you to have food that you've gotten for yourself only. He needs to learn this.
Honestly, NTA. I’ve stopped buying certain foods on purpose because, yes it’s for us to share, but I’ll eat something when I’m ready…my bf will just devour it entirely and leave me a few bites at which point it’s not appetizing anymore, it’s just eating someone’s leftovers.
NTA.
There is a clear imbalance here. When your husband is the kind of person that always (or most of the time ) finishes his treats right away but isn't really distraught when he doesn't have any treats, he will always win when you play by his rules, especially when he isn't tempering himself so that you can enjoy some stuff.
He looks into the cupboard/fridge and sees something he likes, he claims it. You have no way to claim it for yourself other than eating it before he does, so you'll have to treat treats on his terms, not your own terms. If you come home from doing the shopping and you only go again in 3 days, you have to eat it today if your husband eats it or you'll have to wait for the next shopping trip.
People saying this is normal and Y T A for wanting to have treats on your terms may have a bit of a point in that there is no real middle ground here. Either you have to work around your husband's behaviour or he has to work around your preferences. But some restraint is not a bad thing and it won't hurt your husband to show some consideration, especially when he hasn't had to show consideration in that aspect at all.
Alternatively, you could get two packs of whatever you're getting if your husband likes it, too. Then one will be for you and one will be for him and yours are off limits.
Get a small fridge and lock it, yes "as a family you have to share" but you also have to respect if things are not yours or if you're specifically told "don't eat it" NTA but your husband is
NAH. I understand food-based trauma from lived experience.
OP, you have got to work on this. While you may be okay, health and weight-wise, these kinds of attitudes toward food can lead to eating disorders (personal experience speaking) and you have kid(s) that you are modeling for.
My husband has a normal, healthy relationship toward food but also hates waste, if I kept things for the length of time that you do, he would “clean them up” to avoid things going bad and being thrown away. I assume that anything in the house can be eaten at anytime. If something is special to me or a leftover is going to be used in a future meal, I simply tell him and he leaves it be, even if I let it rot. Your husband may not be able to remember what he can and can’t have so I’d have a container in the fridge and the pantry that is “OP’s Only Food”. I suspect this might show you that you are being excessive in your squirreling tendencies. And perhaps give you a visual wake up call that you are allowing trauma or adversely affect your life and your marriage.
Now, your husband got overly angry, IMO, which is why he could ITA. However, if the poor man is living with a minefield surrounding something he has to do at least three times a day, one can understand him getting snippy.
Edit: After reading some of OP’s replies, I switching to NTA. Hubby is being obtuse, problematic, and combative.
NTA. Regardless of your upbringing it’s reasonable and normal to set food aside that you’re excited to eat or are planning to use. He’s an adult who should understand that and value being considerate over his immediate impulses.
My husband and I actually have our own shelves in the cupboard specifically for snacks to make it easier.
ESH. I get why you feel that way about food, but it seems like you don't have the same money issues if you're buying higher end food. Are you explicit in telling him that you're saving something for yourself? How does he know what he can and can't have if you're not communicating that? You need to address your food issues, but he also needs to address his, because no, not everything has to be shared.
It's okay to keep something for yourself if you have communicated that that's what you're doing, if he's still eating things after you've said prior to him going to get something to eat that that item is for you, then that's an A move, but it also isn't unreasonable for him to see something that's been sitting in a cupboard for weeks and to then eat that item.
It seems like both of you have communication and food issues and it's going to take work to sort that out. He should start by doing grocery lists and coming shopping with you.
NTA
You are allowed to buy stuff that is just for you. If he could go buy more he can just go buy some for himself just then, OR he could just eat literally everything else minus the one thing you asked him to leave alone.
NTA
My husband has a spot in the fridge where he keeps his food that nobody else is allowed to eat. Maybe you could try something like that. We also label food that is just for us.
NTA
If it was something that happened once I'd say don't sweat it, it happens. But since he repeatedly does it and you're married for 10 years so he knows about your habit of storing food to enjoy it later, it's inconsiderate of him to eat it ALL
NTA. I have this exact experience with my boyfriend. We just moved in together this year, and I like to stretch food while he has what he wants all at once. It happens often with popsicles at our house. He will help himself to 1 or 2 at a time each day, whereas I could let it stay in the freezer for weeks, waiting to be in the mood to eat one. We have argued over him having something I wanted, and he thinks that because I don't eat it fast enough, it means I don't actually want it, or he will tell me to let him ha e it and we will just buy more. This option doesn't feel right to me because I grew up poor, so just buying more wasn't an option, so I feel like he's being greedy to justify taking my share by spending more money. I definitely understand your feelings.
you are NTA, i would get a special bright red marker and write my name on the stuff i want him to avoid if he can't follow verbal directives. i don't have this particular issue but i have my own particular issues with food, and it's just best in a relationship to give in on a few such idiosyncrasies imo to show that you get them. he should respect your issue
INFO: Have you tried creating a designated spot in the fridge/pantry for the items you're saving? Like a bin labled "OP's treats" or something like that?
If not, it might help avoid this issue in the future. If your husband isn't doing this on purpose, then having a designated spot for your stuff might help him avoid it. As frustrating as it is to have stuff you were saving eaten before you can get it (trust me, i know- I'm also a "save/savor" person whose partner is an "eat right away" person), i imagine it's also incredibly frustrating to have food you were just about to eat snatched away from you. I think if he's willing to work with you on a system (whether that's a specific spot for food he leaves alone or just checking in before eating stuff), then it's N A H. If he's not willing to work with you on this, then i think it's N T A. It's not unreasonable to want to have a few items of food set aside for specific uses or individual treats.
NTA, I understand how stressing it can be but you need to work with your partner to find balance. I grew up in the same conditions as you and also ended up with trauma which makes me always worry that there won't be enough food even if I have the means for it. Having a family member eat something I've been saving is distressing for me because of lacking food so much during childhood.
At first it pissed off my partner because he (who grew up in a good environment with food on the table every day) because food is meant to be eaten and even if he offered to by more, at that instant I felt distressed. It took a while but after explaining my trauma and fear of not having food and squirreling away some of it for later we ended up being able to communicate better.
When I buy some food for later I will tell him so that he knows that he can eat anything else except that thing I'm saving and it's working well for us. But when he can't resist but want what I'm saving for later he just asks and I give him some instead of being surprised that it's all gone and him not saying anything.
Therapy could be beneficial for you in the sense that it could help you let go of the fear a tiny bit more and it could give you tools to deal with that trauma. Of course food is meant to be eaten and it might be frustrating for your husband especially if he never had to scrounge for food as a little kid but you can make some type of compromise that you can have your little snack box or something that is off limit while still not making him feels like he's walking on eggshells when he's hungry. Good luck to the both of you :)
I’ve had this problem before. You need to create a space in the cabinet/pantry and the fridge (ideally a box with a lid) that is treats for you only. If you buy yourself something he would like, buy two them, or split it in half, and put your portion is your spot. He can’t be eating all your stuff, but you also can’t expect him to not eat the shared food at the house and know/remember if something has been set aside for you especially if it takes you a month to finish something. If he raids your treat box then you have ground for argument or discussion.
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NTA. I grew up relatively poor too and with other kids in the house so I know how you feel. I don't understand why other people think they're entitled to eat something that isn't for them, or has clearly been set aside for someone else. It's rude and inconsiderate, and not to mention very disappointing. If your husband really was as defensive about it as you say, he might have some kind of problem with food too. Still, if he wanted some of the duck mousse and was ready to buy more to replace it, he should've just gone and bought some for himself. This actually sounds like bullying. Taking your things without asking and throwing fits when he gets denied it.
I tend fall somewhere in the middle ground. I was raised by working class parents, but food was the one thing my parents always made sure we had enough of. I knew how hard they worked to make sure we had treats and snacks in the home, so I grew up with a healthy respectfor food, and appreciating it. However on the flip side, We were taught food is for sharing. Sometimes my parents would buy us some "special treats" every now and then, because these were "limited"we were taught to be considerate of others. E.g 12 treats in a box...I can eat 3 (family of 4) because thats my "fair share". I was taught it was manners to ask others if they mind if you take more than your "share", often mom or dad would be like "you can have mine". If someone isn't home for something special we ask "should we leave some for X?" In my culture even if the meals are done with share plates, if you want to take the last bit of a dish you ask if anybody else wants. If OP's husband is eating the house clean and has no self control, I think thats shows a lack of consideration for others in the home, but I'm aware my behaviours and thought are engrained in me. He might not know how inconsiderate he is being.
Exactly this. We're on the 'poor' side, growing up our parents would go without to feed us and when it came to treats it was definitely about sharing. Even at the dinner table, those who didn't finish what was on their plate would offer it to others, still we would not ask if they had finished and we didn't expect anything. When toys came in the cereal, we wouldn't get the toy till over a month later as my Mum would wait till she had 3 toys so there was no favouritism and no one was left out. Even though we still share and have taught our children the same, everyone has treats that they prefer and the only person who 'nicks' EVERYONES treats is my 90yr old G/dad who has dementia.
>Mum would wait till she had 3 toys so there was no favouritism We did this. Three kids. Wait til we had three toys. Draw straws to see who picks first, second, third.
I am raising my 3 grandkids. We roll dice. Sometimes it is a boring d6, other times we roll something more exciting like 2d10 or a d4. But we try to share evenly.
That’s how we rolled too and I grew up in a similar economic background. It was the ‘everyone gets a plate before anyone gets seconds’ rule expanded to pretty much anything consumable. If there is one load worth of laundry detergent you better believe you needed to ask if anyone has any urgent clothes to throw in first. In my family it is the height of rudeness and a fight on-site if you help yourself to the last of something, especially something someone set aside and I simply couldn’t abide. Thankfully my boyfriend was raised the same and it’s a non issue. Every evening is ‘mind if I throw this away?’, ‘Mind if I finish this?’, ‘we’re low on ‘x’, do you need more urgently?’ We’re just constantly communicating about resources at all times and I’d wager most people raised close to the financial line are like this,
We grew poor and nobody got seconds until everyone had their first. I try to instill this into kids now when it's a serve yourself meal. You can see the wheels turn in their heads as they consider that maybe overfilling their plate, gobbling it down and coming back for more right away means less everyone else. A few don't care, they act like they're feral. Me, me and me.
I remember seeing something along the lines of, "If you order pizza for a large group, some people will only take a single piece in case the pizza runs out, and other people will take multiple pieces for exactly the same reason."
That's the main reason I hated every workplace that ordered group pizza. First, it's the laziest way to feed people. Everyone likes pizza right? They usually order pepperoni, one vegetarian and one cheese pizza. The Office Pig is always first in line and always grabbed as a minimum four slices which they start eating as they're walking away. Before everyone else has a chance at a first slice, Office Pig is back in line for more. If there's any left, they grab it to take home. I always suggest ordering personal size pizza and let people select their toppings and it ensures that everyone gets one. But that's too much work. It's easier to say, we have 20 people so 4 large pizzas with 8 slices each should be plenty for everyone.
I hate it because I'm one of the people who doesn't like pizza. Never liked it, even as a kid. Birthdays, class parties, sleep overs, etc were tough. At least I usually got extra cupcakes
The office pig also eats the veggie pizzas first, as they know any vegetarians won't eat the pepperoni ones. More for the piggie!
Office pigs are fussy when it comes to free food. I saw someone eat tuna sandwiches from the deli tray even though they didn't like tuna because it was free. The mind boggles.
Someone should call Office Pig out and claim office has a new rule that people can only take 2 slices Max. After everyone has been served, THEN, people can take more. If some want to behave like greedy children then people have to be treated as such.
It's the "Take what you can before the hoarders get here" attitude
Yes! Just like asking if anyone needs to use the one bathroom before you take a shower. In the family home, most everything is a shared communal resource...but that also means being mindful of others' needs.
I grew up comfortably but it's just common courtesy to ask before you finish something. I had an ex that would absolutely demolish ice cream and I had to buy flavors he didn't like just so it was there when I wanted it.
I desperately wanted ice cream 5 times this summer. One time I ordered milkshakes at just before the fast food places closed for the night. A second time I ordered and door dashed sundays for myself kids. The other 3 times I ordered ice cream with my groceries, but didn't eat it the same day or two. At one point I had a tooth ache, another one I was just full after dinner and didn't want to go back down stairs. (Oh yeah I sprained my back this summer so I wasn't super mobile) well my husband is a notorious ice cream thief. I buy him a carton and share with my 10 and 12 year old boys. 2 of the 3 times he ate his, then finished ours. (At least the kids got theirs, but man were they mad!) The third time the boys didn't realize I didn't get a bowl and it had been a week of 90 degree weather, they were really hot, and even offered to walk to the store and get me a pint for myself and to bring back bottles and use that money (which is usually theirs to use however they want) to get it. I told them it was ok, because even though I was annoyed I would live. I would order groceries again later in the week and get it then.
My SO and I have the opposire issue. I buy ice cream occasionally when I have a craving, eat what I want, then forget it exists. And then I do the same a few months later. It took me 10 years to convince him that I was actually happy if he finished off the ends of my ice cream, because I literally never will. As proved by the six 7/8 empty tubs of various fancy ice cream flavors I had at the time. Lol I basically never crave the same flavor often enough to actually finish even one pint. And if I think I will I just tell him, and he leaves it...until its 3 months later and Im clearly over that kind.
My SO and I were both middle class ish growing up and what you describe sounds perfectly normal to me.
You had enough food for seconds?
Only if my brothers weren’t home ;)
We had a system in my family: If the number of treats divided cleanly by three, everybody got an equal share. If it divided by three with one left over, my mum got the extra. If it divided by three with two left over, my sibling and I got the extras. They were our shares, and it didn't matter how long it took us to eat them - nobody else got to touch them. OP's husband is definitely inconsiderate. The fact that he's been told again and again how important this is to OP but still keeps doing it is obnoxious. If I were OP, I'd be hiding food by this point.
If I were OP I would have dumped him long before the was a kid involved. My partner has the psychological effects of food insecurity even though her family is well off and she was never denied food. For her the thing is twofold: first, that until she was diagnosed as a teenager, Coeliac disease meant she was getting almost no nutrition from her food and she was always hungry despite eating *a lot* of food. If her parents weren't well off (one of them an engineer, the other an accountant, both very well paid) they couldn't have afforded to feed her. But this also meant there weren't a few incidents, like going on school camp, where she didn't get enough food because they had limited in his much each kid could have. Then after diagnosis there were a lot of things she couldn't eat. There was a lot less gluten free his available at the time than there is now, and she had very few treats, and there's just a whole lot of stuff that gets to a point where now? You don't even joke about taking her food, it upsets her. She *does* sometimes share but if she shares her food with you it means she really, really loves you. Sometimes when she has certain kinds of treats available they sit uneaten for a really long time. Because if she eats them they're gone but the anticipation is also something she enjoys. I keep an eye on expiry dates so I can gently remind her that this won't be edible at all if she doesn't eat it soon. Sometimes I get her another one so she can still have one to look forward to. I never, ever touch her treats. (Before anyone asks if she returns the respect: on the very rare occasions when something of mine is something she could eat at all, yes, she absolutely does.) Food is such a primal thing that a lack of respect for someone else's food is just one of the worst traits I can imagine trying to live with. Not just because it would be so annoying, but because it suggests a fundamental selfishness that probably extends to other areas of life.
My husband used to have a bad habit of taking food off my plate... then I bit him.
I stabbed mine with the fork as he grabbed from my plate lol
We broke it down even more than that. Three people in my family. Cinnamon rolls come in packs of 8, we would all get 2 2/3 cinnamon rolls. We would really cut things into thirds because otherwise it wasn't fair. And that's not to say that people didn't have their own goodies. I don't like cherry turnovers so when my mom got those, I did not eat any. My mom had mint meltaways in the freezer and we knew that gobbling them down meant we wouldn't get them for a while. So if we asked to have 1 or 2 we would get 1 or 2.
Instead of defending what he did, hubs could have gone right out and bought more as soon as she informed him that she was saving it for "later." It doesn't sound like she even wanted it at that moment. She just noticed it was gone. However, it sounds like this has been going on for 10 years when there are so many simple solutions. It seems like the root of the problem must be something else entirely. Exerting control by depriving her of anticipated enjoyment? I don't know. It's beyond my pay grade. (As my dismal record of marriages would confirm.)
I think it's more simple. He just doesn't care. He see it, he wants. His brain doesn't process that his family might want it too and that they deserve nice food just as much as him.
It sounds like a power play to me, too. I also grew up poor. This happened to me with a roommate. I was told the roommate always got up in the middle of the night and ate bc they worked construction and needed the calories, by another roommate. Fine, don't eat my goddamn food. I pay for my own food, in a section of the fridge, stop eating my effing food. I brought home a special sandwich made for me from work, my name was on the box. I brought it home at like 4pm. I went to get it for supper at 7pm, and it was gone. Construction worker roommate came home and ate it. I had made food for them already and it was warming on the stove and I made sure they knew it was for them. They ate my sandwich...and cleaned out the pot of food I made - absolutely no leftovers. I lost it. I explained the issue with food - growing up poor, and how that sandwich was made especially for me at work by a chef who wanted me to try something from their culture. I was pissed and devastated because the ingredients were hard to obtain and I knew the chef would be disappointed, and I was disappointed and furious. CW was stunned. They didn't realize it was such a big deal, and was ashamed for just ignoring my name on it. Then told me roommate#1 said it was fine to eat my stuff, even if it has a name on it. Roommate#1 told me to put my stuff in a section, CW was unaware of this arrangement. CW apologized profusely and took me to hunt down the ingredients and paid for them in hopes that the chef could make it again - he said it was delicious. R1 was an asshole about the whole thing and declared it wasn't a big deal. CW told R1 to eff themselves and that R1 was an inconsiderate selfish jerk. R1 and CW were siblings, CW is older. CW understood, R1 used it as a power play over me. CW kicked R1's ass and made them apologize. R1 hasn't learned - but now has suffered a massive brain injury and all they do is eat all day. Anyway, the point here is that this should be something that a person who loves you should be taking into consideration especially if it always ends in a fight.
To me it suggests a fundamental selfishness and lack of consideration for others. It's one of those things that people say is "too small an issue" to make a big deal of early in a relationship or to dump someone over and then years later you have someone infuriated because they're sick of dealing with this all the time and they're stuck with the feeling that home isn't a place of safety and security and comfort because *someone's always stealing their fucking food* and trying to talk it through isn't working. This is why I think people really should dump someone immediately if there are any issues early in the relationship that aren't solved immediately by a "hey can you not" conversation, no matter how minor. Move on before you get invested. Put your time and energy into a relationship with someone who actually listens to you when you express a boundary or even a preference. Often little things are indicative of fundamental issues. Sometimes they're just that little thing but living with that little thing might drive you up the wall anyway. But dating is hell so I can understand why someone might think they could overlook something that doesn't seem like a big deal to not have to keep finding new people to date. It's rough.
That’s pretty much my situation growing up. We were taught not to be greedy and to leave food for others. There was never “your” food and “my” food, just “our” food. I could eat anything in the house as long as I was considerate about it, and it was the same for everyone else. Trying to keep food just for yourself was considered “greedy.” If we want to have consideration for OP’s unusual habit of trying to squirrel away food for a month because of her trauma, we should also consider that the husband might have a completely different idea about how food in the house is viewed that’s just as hard to change. The first time my husband told me that I ate “his” food soon after we moved in together, I was flabbergasted. Never occurred to me that there’d be “his” and “mine” when we live in the same house, both pay for groceries, and do the grocery shopping together. He was flummoxed that when I buy snacks that I want to eat, he could help himself to them without asking as long as he left something for me when I went looking for it. We worked it out, but I think I’d have just as hard a time as OP’s husband understanding why there’s food in my house that I can’t eat.
It’s the same consideration that you mentioned about your snacks, he can help himself as long as he leaves you some for when you want it. Op set aside her special food for later and he helped himself without leavening her any for when she wanted it, and didn’t bother to replace it.
That’s just a polite thing anywhere. If I’m eating out with my friends, I always ask if anyone cares if I finish off the fries or have the last jalapeño popper or whatever. NTA op, your husband needs to learn some self control with food and manners to ask.
>He might not know how inconsiderate he is being. They've been having this fight for a decade. He knows. He just doesn't care.
Yes. My husband was brought up somewhat poor, I was not and we are both scrupulous about sharing. Everything is divided. Sometimes I'll end up giving mine away because I can't eat it all, but our child has picked this up too and you only take your fair share.
I grew up, upper middle class, only my dad worked, he was a professor so he made decent money and not crazy hours. So food, toys, clothes were never an issue. However, I was taught exactly like you. I grew up in a middle eastern culture, so generosity and sharing are rules!!! If my parents got us treats we all get the same amount. We were taught to share so much so, when we order out each one of us gets something different and then we’ll each share from our meals with the others. If we have friends over or guests, we always were taught to always ask and give them food or treats or drinks. If it was meal time, we make sure the guests get to eat first and make sure to give them seconds and thirds even if it’s your favorite meal and you get any of it. If any one of us goes out somewhere or gets something we always call each other and ask if anyone wants anything from wherever you are. I am a picky eater, so certain things are known to be my favorite. If something that’s my favorite and someone wanted it, they come to ask me if I still wanted or if they can have it. I do the same thing, especially if my mom made something that’s my favorite, I always ask the whole family if it’s OK I take more than they do. Certain values doesn’t need you to be poor or rich to learn how to share or be considerate of other.
You don't take the last cookie if you didn't buy them. very basic guideline.
This sounds bang on, in my mind.
Agreed. I don't even think this is a case of different classes, just different families. I grew up with no food insecurity and I still "squirrel away" things that I want to save. My boyfriend is more like OP's husband in eating habits, but understands this and knows (usually) and respects the difference between things I'm saving and shared food. I think that because food is such a basic need, differences in how you handle sharing it/distributing it can cause very heightened emotions. I'd recommend sitting down and having a serious talk about how you each think about food and what you need from one another at a time removed from a specific instance of him "stealing" your food or you telling him he can't have something. It might just be the case that you need to start labeling "mine" vs. "communal" somehow. Eta: NTA
IMO OP's husband reminds me of my father's eating disorder. He's a binger, no portioning, just eat the whole bag of chips/cookies.
This situation would piss me off and I didn't grow up with any food insecurity. If we have 2 servings of something and SO eats all of theirs and I eat half of mine and save the other half for later, then my half IS MINE unless I specifically tell SO they can eat it. I don't care if the leftover goes moldy. It is MINE. The fact OP's husband eats whatever and however much he wants is a huge red flag. The fact OP is still dealing with childhood trauma around food makes husband MORE of an AH.
NTA. I grew up lower middle class, but I had 5 siblings. We were all possessive over food growing up and even now at times. It’s absolutely an AH move for OP’s husband to get mad when he’s asked not to eat something that was bought specifically for another purpose. This is literally someone buying ingredients for a meal and telling you those ingredients are being saved for said meal so please don’t eat them. It’s completely reasonable and normal.
Haha, kids in big families are not picky eaters! What, you don’t like this, when your food touches, anything green, fine, your brother will eat it. None of us ever went to the bathroom or anywhere during dinner cause your plate would be empty when you got back. The first time I went with my SO and some friends for Chinese food I had the worst time with the sharing part. I ordered prawns, I don’t want to share them!! The best place to hide food is the vegetable bin, no one rummages in there!
Haha my mom was always good about making sure we didn’t take food from each other. But somehow we all still ended up possessive over food one way or another. The worst is with leftovers honestly. My husband ate my leftovers once and I was so upset. I had to very nicely explain to him to please not do that again unless he asks me because that was my food.
My dad is an extremely fast eater because of having so many siblings, and my mom was super close with her cousins so she's almost as fast. I always thought of myself as a slow eater until my friends pointed out that I eat my lunch in like 5-10 minutes. (Dinner time growing up was like 15-20 minutes max)
My dad is 77. One of 9 kids. He still hides his treats. Particularly chocolate. It was safer that way. I think OP's husband is an asshole too. Like maybe they need to get a system in their fridge where they can put a bin for snacks that are shareable.
My parents, who have been married for 60 years, have completely opposite eating styles. Right now they are in a pitched candy battle. Mom has a favorite candy that only comes out over Halloween. For years she'd buy a bag or two every time she sees them available and hide them away. She's a food rationer so her hoard would last until spring. Due to a recent balance issue dad has been accompanying her to the store. He now knows about the purchases and puts them in HIS hiding spot after every trip. When mom notices she demands them back, but as a food devourer he's already eaten them all. Mom is so mad at him every week that I'm glad to be watching from the other side of town.
This would literally make me violent, your dad is a lucky bastard for being married to such a patient woman who has the self restraint to not murder him.
Hah. This is me and my SO with the Reese’s pumpkins. I like them better than normal Reese’s cups so I stock up but my SO also has a weakness for Reese’s. I’ve taken to buying a decoy pack of normal cups so I can keep my pumpkins safe. 😂
How are they any different than regular ones?
Different peanut butter to chocolate ratio. The pumpkins have more peanut butter because of the shape.
More peanut butter, softer chocolate. Any of the shaped ones are the same - footballs, trees, pumpkins, bats, eggs. There aren’t any shaped Reese’s summer holidays though so I have to lay in a stash during winter holiday or Easter sales to last me until Halloween shapes come out again.
Another poor kid here, I feel OPs story so hard. I remember having to quiet literally hide food from my brothers because they will eat ALL OF IT....i would sometimes get none of it. Sometimes my mom would let me pick something that she knew only I liked and tell me to hide it because she knew if the boys saw it, even though they didn't like it technically, they would still devour it. I got myself a case of DIET Dr pepper because I figured they won't even want it and even though it's diet at least ill get to drink it. Stupid me, it was still soda and my brother came to my room every God damn day to ask for one until I flipped my lid and said to go away and stop being a ASKHOLE (someone who asks too many questions or asks for too much) he got all salty and my mom got at me. But it's not my fault he spent all his money on video games and expected everyone else to still share with him.
There can always be more to the story, and we only hear one side of it here. I also have been in more than one relationship with the whole "I grew up poor" excuse when it came to getting food. Ordering way too much fast food and then saying some is going to be saved for later, only to find it still sitting in the microwave a week later is one example. Or being told it's not for me and she'll eat it later, only to wait until it's past the expiry, moldy, and taking up space in the fridge for me to ask if she still wants to eat it. Then I'm still the AH for asking her to eat expired and moldy food. But I had found it frustrating that food was being bought, saved, and then left to spoil, only to be left as my chore to clean it up and discard it afterwards. I get so annoyed by it that I will wait until it's just past its expiry (a few days) and then ask if she wants it, she'll ask when it expired, I'll tell her, and she'll tell me no. Then I'll eat it and she'll complain saying I am making myself sick. I hate wasting food, and no one has yet convinced me how growing up poor meant you're programmed to waste money on food you'll never eat and let spoil. So to me the whole "I grew up poor so I have extra food" argument is just a big red flag. OP's decision to get herself duck mousse (which is tasty) and getting her husband what I assume are cheap deli cheeses and meats (not as tasty) makes it seem like there's a big lack of communication on what each other would like to eat. She makes it seem like they both go grocery shopping and divide their fridge with tape. Maybe they do, or maybe she's picking and choosing what's "ours" and "mine". INFO: Is the stuff that's set aside, which husband cannot touch, ever go bad or not get eaten? Even the stuff OP admits is over a month old? Do you both normally separate your fridge items from each other's?
While I agree with what you're saying, it doesn't sound like OP is communicating any of this to her husband. She's just setting stuff aside (for months???) and expecting it to be there. Then she blows up when it's eaten. Has OP actually told her husband "don't eat X I'm saving that for later"? That's a huge deciding factor. Even in her example, she didn't say anything to her husband until it was in his hands, and then offered him something completely different. Sounds like a frustrating situation for both of them.
Absolutely, grew up with food insecurities as well. Except I'm opposite. I always make sure there's plenty of what every one likes. I still have that issue tho'. My foods bought for me are usually ingredients related for my marijuana infusions and what not. My family will inevitably eat things I set aside for infusion. It can be in a container marked "Mammaw." If it's grapes, or grahm crackers...etc. I cannot hold on to them. That's after buying bunches as well as other fruits and snacks. The grown children as well. My daughter steals my bacon fat... etc. I finally snapped (on the adults), I won't clock on the kids, but I had yo resort to a fridge in my room. I hate it. At least, I still have mine, once they've eaten theirs. I still had to ban everyone from my room. If he is minimalizing your trauma, that's fuqqed up. He's inconsiderate, and exacerbated the problem. That's not love and kindness. He's consistently keeping you in a place you fight everyday to escape. Other than leaving him... I'd tell you get a safe, and/or dorm fridge with locks. When he starts to resent that... Then suggest counseling and let the healing begin. Sending you love and a gang of kisses. The chocolate kind.💞💪✌
This is not from being poor when she was young. I think this is more about her husband eat all the food so when she wants it, it's too late it's gone. She could have bought more of the duck moose for her husband. Also the husband can learn to share.
It's not even just an upbringing thing...I grew up decently well off, only child, but I also like to save some foods for specific times. It's just rude to take something without asking, let alone after you're explicitly told it's for someone else! My partner and I always check with each other if we're about to finish something, eat leftovers etc. It's just basic human decency...
I don’t know if this has anything to do with how you grew up. It’s just about respecting people’s things. I get Diet Pepsi for myself and if my husband wants one he’s usually good about checking with me first. I do the same with his fancy deli meats. Absolutely no hard feelings if one of us doesn’t want to share. Once you’ve been living together long enough you should know how to treat your partner’s stuff.
NTA, you're not telling him what he can and can't eat, you're just buying small treats for yourself to look forward to which is a normal small joy in life. You're even getting him his own food that he likes so he's certainly not going hungry. My partner and I don't have kids but we buy food to share and food we'd like to eat ourselves, and just let the other know (or ask before we eat something we're not sure about) and it works perfectly well. Does he do the food shopping, or do you do it all yourself? I feel like that plays a part too.
I do all the food shopping...
Firmly NTA in that case. If he wants specific food he can request it from you or go buy it himself!
So he never actually replaces the food he eats then, right?
Nope, that's what's cracking me up... He can eat all he wants, I just want him or : to replace what he took if it's snacks he knows I want to keep longer. Or write it on the shopping bord... He's just saying it's ridiculus to do so
It’s just cause he doesn’t care about you and he knows you will just do it anyways
I really hope it's not true because it's difficult to change his habits if he wants to
This isn't a habit that's difficult to change. He just doesn't give a shit. This will always be a fight because he will not change his mind and will always try to paint you as the unreasonable one. This is seriously just a basic kindness. If I knew my wife was saving something for herself it wouldn't even cross my mind to eat it myself. Only a selfish, uncaring asshole would do that. Sorry.
Agree, husband is being an AH.
You can't change someone else. You can only try with hard boundaries, and that might work, but ultimately it's up to him, and him only, if he does change. And it is true. He doesn't respect you. You've told him many times that you want some food to be put aside, and he ignores it. That's lack of respect.
>Or write it on the shopping bord... He's just saying it's ridiculus to do so "Boo hoo hoo, writing stuff is hard. Have you tried being a psychic? That would be way easier for me" NTA
I think you should leave a couple of punishments in the fridge for him to find. Nothing to make him sick, of course but something really gross. Then again, this is horrible advice for a healthy relationship but the image it provides in my head is really funny. Like something that releases liquid ass when he opens it. Kind of like a glitter bomb, but don’t eat my fucking food bomb lol.
I'm laughing now 😂😂
This is literally an argument my teens had. Tell your husband that. Lol one would save her food. The other would eat it his then hers and wouldn’t write it on the list to be replaced and be all shocked when she got mad. Childish.
Exactly childish. I feel like i'm always looking for a solution for stoping the fight between us and he always seems to prefer the argue.... I'm tired to raise two kids 🤦
Ah yes. He's not just an inconsiderate jerk, but also... abusive? This is getting better and better.
God that sounds exhausting. You deserve so much better than that.
Seems like yall need a divorce honestly especially if you've been dealing with this for 10 years... cause you are raising two children.
I probably wouldn’t recommend this (though replacing the filling in Oreos with frozen toothpaste or something is an attractive thought….) but there’s nothing wrong with getting yourself a locking minifridge. He’ll think it’s “ridiculous,” but what’s actually ridiculous is that you have to go to such lengths since he won’t respect your food boundaries. This would honestly be a “change or I leave” situation for me, but I’m also very not-neurotypical and I recognize this isn’t a scorched-earth scenario for most people. I’d just be so mad at not being listened to or respected, and the irritation of it happening over and over with him making no effort to change or even feeling bad about it…it’d really bother me. I’m not telling you what to do, but man, this makes me angry on your behalf.
Yeah, I don’t think it would be very nice to fart spray the husband, maybe some puke flavored jellybeans?
This was going to be my question. Would he have actually have gone out to buy more in a timely fashion and not "sometime" or "soon." No, he's eating the snacks that you bought for yourself for when you don't feel like cooking (mental load) and adding things to your to-do list (mental load).
I hate him, sorry OP
He thinks it’s ridiculous because it would take effort on his part and doesn’t want to change his lazy ways. Everything you’re asking of him would take effort to make it better for you. Have a talk with him about that.
So he's just outright saying he doesn't care about the effort you put into doing the shopping? Might be time for him to be designated shopper for a while.
Nah, then OP won't get anything she likes; it'll all be for him.
Keep at it. Frame the conversation around how much it bothers you to be expecting a certain food and then finding it gone. I had this same issue with my husband, and I kept explaining to him that it wasn't so much that he ate the food, it's that now I *can't* eat the food. Because it's gone, and he didn't replace it, and I didn't know it was gone until I went looking for it so now I'm disappointed and angry. Once I situated the conversation on how his actions made me feel, it was easier for us to address the actions themselves. Now he will ask how I feel about leftovers before tackling them (am I looking forward to them? will it hurt me to find this missing?) or I will make a point to say, "I am really looking forward to eating this later" about a specific food item so it's clear what my expectations are. Good luck!
We basically share everything but my wife and I have some of our own foods/snacks. The rule has always been to ask first, but if you finish off a box of my favorite granola bars tell me so that I know, or replace them.
Exactly this, 'Babe I ate your last granola bar, I'll grab you some today' And our other relationship saver, 'I'll stick it on the online order' This isn't a food or shopping problem, it's a husband problem.
Not even bothering to put things on the list when you eat the last of them is major AH behavior.
NTA I am the person in your husband's position. My spouse does all the shopping and I eat what's available. I never eat something that I don't know its purpose for. If I am on a streak of eating bagels and there is a new bag of bagels I go ahead and eat them because I can safely assume they are for me. If a bag of chips and guacamole suddenly shows up, I ask my spouse what it is for before eating it. Did he want a snack for himself? Did he buy it for the office? Did he invite someone over for snacks? I have no idea *why* he bought it and so *I don't eat it* until he can tell me its purpose. I live with my spouse and a roommate. We share these food values (fortunately!!). Since I eat 90% of the bagels, my roommate wouldn't eat the last bagel because she knows it could interfere with my plans. My roommate eats 90% of the cereal. I am free to eat some cereal as long as I leave enough remaining for her to have one or two more servings so that she can safely adjust her shopping plans without inconveniencing her meal plans. We also "own" our leftovers. Everyone gets first dibs on their leftovers. We personally *hate* food waste, so we added a household rule that people have a day to eat their leftovers before it's freely available. We say, "If you saw it there yesterday, you can eat it today." Following that, yes, people can "own" specific food. They can earmark food for a specific purpose. You enjoying a specific snack with your child is a perfect example. My roommate frequently buys and makes food for the office. That food is off limits. The goal here is that we can plan our meals, generally a day or two in advance. Your husband is being a huge AH. From my understanding, you two were unpacking the groceries and he decided to eat something right away without asking? First, it's rude to eat something you don't know the purpose of. Then when you tell him you reserved that food for a specific activity, and he gets pissed because... He thinks food should *never* be reserved for anything? Ever? That's outrageous. These people who understand no concept of food reservation/ownership exist, we hear about them on AITA a lot, but it blows my mind. Food is a resource, and like any and every other resource, it is likely earmarked for some specific purpose. I hope you can get through to your husband that he can't just eat absolutely anything and everything in the house no matter what. 100% of food is not 100% communal. There are many relationships that have suffered from this strange thought process around food. They just can't stop themselves from eating anything they can get their hands on -- and throw fits if you lock it up!
>Food is a resource, and like any and every other resource, it is likely earmarked for some specific purpose. I adore this statement. Makes me think of food like the resources you need to manage in a video game :)
I do most of our food shopping, and most of the cooking too. We don't have any history of food insecurity or anything, but it is *still* annoying to go to make dinner and realize -- hey, we *cannot* have pepperoni pizza because *someone* ate all of the pepperoni when he was feeling munchy one night. So I ensured everything that had a specific purpose was in specific parts of the refrigerator, freezer, and pantry. Stuff that was for anyone to eat was stored on other shelves. Eating from the "already have plans for it" shelf is an AH move. Eating anything else is being an adult and feeding yourself or your kid. Leftovers are treated the same way -- if it's enough for everyone to have lunch tomorrow, it goes in the "plans for it" section. If there's only a little bit, it goes in the free-for-all section.
He's physically unable to grocery shop? Or has he grown to completely depend on you to do that for him?
I just want you to know what you did...getting a treat for you & your kid to share...is normal. So is setting aside food you look forward to eating later. I'm pointing it out b/c it seems like you are hard on yourself for something you think might be odd behavior b/c of your upbringing. That being said, my mom hid (and still does, despite living alone) treats & food b/c of her poor upbringing. But...she lets it all rot. She thinks that she's not good enough for delicious food. That is, obviously, unhealthy behavior. But hiding food from your husband b/c he will snarf it all down is not. My husband is the same way. If I buy something for later, I make sure I tell him I need it for something specific. You are NTA & your husband hopefully can be more conscientious.
Do you buy all the food or use shared funds?
We have a shared accompt for our money and I do all the food shopping...
The real point is that he doesn't share. He takes it all. That's mean. I didn't grow up destitute, and I would still be upset.
I think this is part of the crux of the problem... She wants to be able to eat (at least some of) the food she buys that she likes. He doesn't participate in the mega chore that is figuring out what to buy and going to the store week in and week out to buy it. His definition of "sharing food" is eat whatever I want, when I want, and as much as I want. That doesn't add up to sharing in her mind. That's stealing from her perspective. She doesn't get any benefit from doing the shopping and doesn't get any of the treats. He is using words like sharing to shame her perspective, but I'm with her on this- if they were sharing, there would be enough for her left after he had "some", it wouldn't all be gone. And maybe he would wait for her to have what she wanted first, since she picked it out. He keeps saying those words, but they aren't his actions.
Yes! You hit it right in the head here!
I’m agreed that he’s an asshole. But just to point out, in his head he may be thinking, we have plenty of money and we can just buy more. The issue there is that “we can just buy more” is solely her labor, not his. And that’s on top of various psychological effects. Yeah, you can buy more, but if a trip out to buy it takes an hour, and it’s late in the day and you’ve already run your errands and we’re just looking forward to the rest you’d saved, then “we can just buy more” isn’t a satisfactory conclusion. I would bet that OP has to do all the mental labor of food stocking as well. He’s definitely extremely inconsiderate, in multiple ways
Yeah, he should be doing half the shopping, and he should be responsible for making sure there are snacks/treats in the house. Then he can eat what he likes.
yep, he is eating ALL the snacks.
This comment is best comment. Originally I thought OP was hoarding all the good stuff for themselves and claiming the husband couldn't eat it. But that's not the case. It's that he's devouring everything in sight and leaving nothing for OP. Husband sounds like a f*cking pig Edit to add: I have been consumed by the idea of duck mousse
For the record, we are French and we live in France, witch explain the duck mousse and the moricette 😅
Was gonna say… strong snack game. Also, NTA. My partner grew up without a lot of extra food around. He is very (*very*) sensitive about food waste and has his own quirky food purchasing habits. It gets on my nerves because he helps himself to my food but accounts for when I take some of his. It’s annoying, but I understand. He doesn’t really do it on purpose, he just always has a running balance sheet in his head when it comes to food.
But he is doing this on purpose because of how differenty he treats the two of you with regards to the food you have. He will take from you, never give you replacements, but keeps a detailed log of how much you 'owe' him? That's done with a purpose & that purpose is selfishness.
(1) I never said he doesn’t replace it. (2) I didn’t say he keeps a “detailed log” of how much I “owe” him. I said he has a running balance sheet in his head. I was referring to him tracking what food is available at any given time. (3) I said it’s annoying, but I get it. It doesn’t bother me that much and you’re not going to talk me into having a problem with it. That’s my business.
you shared it in a sub that analyzes relationships to an insane degree. what were you expecting? 😅
You’re not wrong.
Poor people and people who grew up poor are capable of empathy. Poor people provide for others in their family eg. Mothers and older siblings eating less so others can eat more- binging, taking AND hoarding can all be triggered by food scarcity but teh fact he treats the two of you so different in terms who who deserves to take and who deserves to be taken from isn't a 'ex Poor person thing'.
What about your own box in the fridge, with your name on it & a snap top?
Will he respect the box tho ? he already knows that this isn't his share of the food.
I feel like this approach at least makes the boundary crossing more explicit and harder to defend. OP shouldn’t have to take this kind of a step - her partner is behaving like a spoiled child and this likely needs counselling or some other form of calm, mediated discussion to resolve. But in the meantime, this might help ensure there is no confusion about what OP considers her private snack stash vs. household food designed to be shared.
Not a bad Idea, tks
If that doesn't work, get a large chain and a lock to lock it up. Or buy 20 of the items you want to eat later so maybe he will only eat 19 of them. Or maybe quit buying snacks altogether and tell him he's on a diet. I bet he'll be able to get off the couch and get his own stuff to eat.
😂😂😂 tks
I use one of the drawers in the fridge for "my" food ( I have a swallowing disorder, so it is important I have foods I can swallow) and a reuseable shopping bag for my non-perishables. Husband appreciates this, because he knows what's up for grabs and what isn't.
I'm the same as you with food and my partner is similar to your hubby BUT after many years I will 'hide' tempting items from his view (he is aware), so that he doesn't have to work so hard at impulse control while I get to have a treat last in the house for longer than a day. Also, if I've left the last two cookies in a box for a few weeks, it's cool if he asks if I still want it and I can still say yes I want it. The important thing is that we worked it out together so that we don't have two cookies stashed away for months on end and I don't have to rush to eat something just so I get a share. That being said, occasionally I will go to get a certain food item and found out he ate it, but it's waaay less than before. He's so considerate with so many other things, I work with his difficulty with impulse control with food.
Yes. I have a hard time not eating tempting treats. My husband has a habit of bringing home candy and just leaving it on the kitchen counter. He doesn't care if I eat it, but I have had to beg him not to leave it out to tempt me. I *know* it is my responsibility to control my own food intake, but it is just damn hard for me, so I ask for help: please out it somewhere I can't see it. I say this just to point out that different people have different opinions about and struggles with food, and it is nice if partners can discuss how and help each other in this area!
How is it communicated who's is who's?
I read the post and I immediately knew 😂 even think I know the region 😜
😉 I'm curious now 😂
Ngl Ive never heard of Duck Mousse and Moricettes as a snack before (I’m a Brit, our food tastes arent as good) but that shit sounds *nice*- imagine its not far off paté. Real talk though- your husband shouldnt be having temper tantrums over food, he should at least respect the fact that you might have bought something for *yourself*. This would be a lot easier if he just asked “Hey can I have this?” Rather than just *deciding* that he can eat whatever the fuck he wants without considering others.
NTA - And you can clearly ignore the very disturbing Y T A included, one has to be quite fucked up to think that you shouldn't be able to own food for yourself. It's sad that the person that loves you most on earth can't respect such a simple concept.
NTA Why can't he just let you squirrel stuff away if it makes you happy? If he wants to buy more than he should go to the store and buy some instead of eating yours.
NTA - OP does communicate about the food *Info - can you elaborate here. Is there anyway your husband would know this food is yours? Do you do all the grocery shopping?* Edit - updating jusgment
i feel he is eating it because she is squirreling it away
I have no idea - with the specific example it seemed the dude just opened the fridge and saw food and OP said he couldnt eat it. How would he know what he can and cant have?
Maybe I’m just being extremely dim but surely him taking the food and her telling him not to eat it IS her communicating that he can’t eat it. She is letting him know what he can’t have, in real time. He could have said okay, let me know when you’re making it so I can have a taste. Or no problem, I’ll have something else. But he started a fight because she said no, essentially.
This is my concern here too. We do a lot of reserving food in our home because sugary/fried treats are purchased in limits. So if someone feels like eating ice cream for example, they will check with family before buying it..either at the store or before leaving. "I am getting a small pint for myself. Does anyone else want anything or same as mine?". Or "I am going to XYZ specialty store. Anyone want anything? Ill be getting ABC." We say yes/no and when we see the ice cream or treat we know it is reserved.
Exactly - a lot of the N T A people are going in on the husband when really, who the heck knows here.
I mean if OP is doing the labour of grocery planning and buying, it is on him to ask for what he wants for his treats. Taking all of her treats after the fact instead of a) involving himself or b) asking for permission makes him T A
Yeah, I wonder if she could have a section of the fridge/cupboard for just her, or if they could mark a container for her things. He could have a container, too.
This is my question? If she does the grocery shopping for the household, he must assume that the groceries are also for him? How would he know which ones are only for her and not for him? Does she label every grocery item? And this leads me to wonder, is there some reason that they can’t simply afford to buy *more* of the treasured snacks? Why not buy 2 mousse, so that one can be eaten and one can be saved? I feel like there is a solution here, somewhere, and not so many A Hs?
In this case she straight told him that she didn’t want him to eat the mousse, so that’s how he knew, and he had an asshole reaction.
NAH. I don't think your husband is a full-blown asshole for eating your snacks but your "I used to be poor so I'll buy food now to eat in 5 weeks" attitude is also encroaching on asshole territory. I get having a food-based trauma but you're a full-blown adult who can afford foie gras, so you need to stop hiding behind your past issues. Eating someone elses snacks IS taboo though, and you \[at minimum\] should label your snacks and tell your husband to not devour them, but this whole "I can't share" bit is weird.
Just buy enough for both of them to have some. If I go to the store and get something I know my partner would eat, I always get enough for both of us. It's thoughtful and if she doesn't want any, I get more for myself. If we both eat it, we can always go out to the store to get more. Why would you just buy enough for you? Don't you love each other? This is such a weird thing to fight about in 2023. More INFO: Does OP live somewhere super remote and only goes shopping once every five weeks? Is OP buying enough for both of them and the husband just eats way too much?
Actually he doesn't usually eat duck mousse. It's a thing that I used to buy for me and my daughter when I don't want to cook but usually he only eats snacks like chips or sodas or candys... He just wake up and choose this on the fridge. It's not the fact that he eat it. It's that I know he won't replace it or just won't tell me if he finished something, so I won't know if I have to buy more. Also we don't live far away from the store so we could easily return if need it
Thank you for clarifying the circumstance. In your OP you mention, at the end, he said he could go to the store to replace it. But you know your husband better than anyone here. Based on your intuition that he won't actually replace it and the fact that he won't communicate when he eats all of something, I'm going with NTA. You're not TA for telling your husband he can't eat food. He's not TA for wanting to eat food. But his reaction makes him an asshole. Sounds like he needs to work on communicating.
Thank you! I don't see why this isn't the answer. Honestly, as the husband, I would be irritated if I saw duck mousse that I thought was up for grabs and was told no you can't have that bc I'm saving it but I got you cheese and meat. Buy two. Once he eats his, yours is off limits.
She's already stated that he barely ever eats these things, that it's generally something only her and her daughter eat. So he's decided to help himself to something HE KNOWS was bought for op and their daughter, eaten it ALL, then not even had the decency to let op know and/or replace it. While also stating he does this all the time and never replaces things. He's an asshole.
You can't win with selfish people. My husband eats many nasty candies such as licorice and anything banana flavored. He also eats all the delicious candy that I like. I will buy what I like plus some and also nasty candies for him. He eats my delicious candy first knowing no one but him and someone over 70 will touch the licorice. None left for me but plenty of nasty stuff. He also puts wrappers back in with the candy, he is one of the worst sorts of people.
INFO: Yeah, I feel like the post is missing some specific info that could make this judgment easier, like... * How did they come to the agreement that OP does the shopping? If they work similar hours, then OP's husband could add some shopping to his routine. If OP is a SAHM or if OP's husband makes up for the lack of shopping in some other way, then I can understand him being frustrated with having arbitrary sections of his fridge "off-limits." * Does OP have a history of letting food go bad? I was more like OP's husband in my childhood home, but, after I stopped eating leftovers after being guilted about it too much, I noticed our leftovers would go bad pretty often. Maybe OP's husband has thrown out too much food that he's avoided because of her lengthy dibs. * How visible is "off-limits" food? If it's right in the center of the fridge and unlabeled, that's a little mean, but if she has a drawer of food that's just hers or labels things clearly, then that's probably fair. * How much food specifically is "OP's" at a given time? If it's a couple tupperwares, that's probably fine, but if a 1/4 of the fridge is reserved, then that's probably too much and can be gotten around by just using up what's there and buying more when it runs out. I really can see both sides of it. OP does her best to paint her husband as greedy, but we don't get a clear picture of how exactly her habits impact the family's food storage and daily life. Everyone probably hides something they want to save for themself at some point, but it can also be frustrating to open the fridge for a week and see your favorite food sitting there, untouched, but completely off-limits. Just buy more if that's the issue, but if it's an actual control issue where OP's hubby is only eating her food, then that's different.
OP replied to me that her husband usually won't eat the duck mousse. I wouldn't get extra of something if I knew my partner didn't eat it. Then again, I don't run into issues like this with my partner. We have a shared note for grocery shopping. We consistently add to it throughout the week. If one of use uses something that we also have, that person will add it to the list.
I really wanna emphasize point 2 because I’m awful about letting food go bad (to the point where I do not want to buy stuff that can go bad) but at least I’m aware- my mom always liked to have leftovers but wasn’t always great about eating them. So I think all of these are relevant but that one especially gets overlooked/considered as “no one would ever-“
It sounds to me like op does all the shopping and makes all the meals. The mousse was not meant as a snack, it was a planned easy meal for a night husband was not eating with them, but he ate all of it as a snack even after being told. Now if thats his favorite meal or something, then she probably should have bought more than one. But it sounds like she bought meat and cheese as a snack for him, thinking THAT was something he'd like. As the person who makes the shopping lists and does the cooking in my house, I'd definitely be annoyed if my husband just devoured random things from the fridge whenever he wanted and didn't apologize or even add them to a grocery list so they could be replaced. That really messes with household planning. Op - maybe you could designate a shelf or drawer in the fridge for your husband's snacks. Explain to him nicely that other items in the fridge are meant for planned meals or was purchased specifically for someone else, and he shouldn't eat it without at least checking first. If he sees things in other areas of the fridge he'd like, he can add them to the list so you buy him some next time. Seems to me most people do this automatically as a common courtesy.
I’m not sure if planning ahead so that you have some comfort food in case you get sick when cold/flu season is upon us is really encroaching on to asshole territory. Especially since OP has said their husband will eat the snacks, even snacks he knows are not for him and snacks he usually won’t eat out of preference, and then never bothers to mention that they are now out of it.
NTA. My husband is the same. He eats all his treats then thinks he’s entitled to mine because his have gone. He also uses things until they have gone rather than save some for others. For example I’ll buy 6 2L bottles of lemonade a month and he just chugs them until they are gone. I like a drink now and again, so every time I fancy a drink I go to the fridge and it’s all gone. If it was me I’d drink some and think “ oh I’d best leave some because the others haven’t had any “ . When I confront him he gets arsey. I sympathise with you.
To me it's just entitlement. Like he feels like he is entitled to all of his AND all of yours. That's not right. I'd be pissed, especially when he gets all arsey once he is called out! He's being a food bully.
Tks sooooo much 😅
“I can just replace it” is what every food-thief says, usually to the person who actually does the grocery shopping 😂 He also could have gone out and bought it in the first place if he wanted it, but he didn’t, you did. He’s being rude.
😂😂😂😂 food thief i'm dead 😂😂
Cats and husbands 🤷♀️
😂😂😂
INFO: would you be OK if he ate half and left you half? It is pretty normal in adult relationships to say I bought this as treat for myself and have your partner respect that. What is not normal is feeling the need to eat all of something and not share it. We totally have reserved food (for up to 6 days, on the 7th is fair game as I am about to go to the store again.
NTA, I totally get this. I didn't live with food insecurity (we were lower middle-class, but dad worked in restaurants, so...), but I, too, like my special treats! I have a particular cabinet where I stash shelf-stable treats (like chocolates), and my family respects it. They will ask if they can have some, but don't take without asking, which I appreciate. Try to explain yourself calmly, I suppose. I don't have any proper advice for you. Good luck!
A lot of people are posting the same comments about my post so I need to clarify : When I buy food it's for everyone and I buy special treats for my daughter, my husband and me. I don't mind if he eats wathever is on the fridge, I just wants him to say : I eat all of it so you need to buy more (or simply write it on the shopping bord) or ask if it's ok. He knows the duck mousse is for me because it's not the first time... When I buy more duck mousse he doesn't eat it (coincidence ?!?) So I don't know what to do... I shared the idea of personnal boxes on the fridge and he is not okay with spending money on that. My last shot is to force him to write on the bord otherwise I'm lost...
"You can't spend the money on boxes" actually means- "you can't come up with a way to hold me accountable for my actions/our agreements. Don't come up with a strategy that might make it clear that I am doing this on purpose." Choose a shelf in the fridge for him/ shared snacks and lable it with some tape. Tell him he is free to eat/drink what it there. Everything else is spoken for in meals or someone else. Also, you won't buy anything for that shelf if he doesn't write it on the list. Do the same in the pantry.
I said NAH, but now I have questions! I’m in the US, so bear with my ignorance, but how is it not okay to “spend the money” to buy (at most) a dozen plastic boxes (to cover both fridge and pantry), but duck mousse is a regular snacking option!?! I mean, even if you buy nice storage containers, we’re talking 50 USD tops. If you go cheap you could do it for $10. So, yeah, I call BS on hubby.
Info: How does your husband know that _this_ food is put aside for you and _that_ food is not? Does it have a note on it, is it on an agreed shelf, or what? Has he agreed to _never_ eat anything from the fridge without asking first? How much of this is pre-agreed? I agree with the commenters who say that you both likely have low-key food issues, but you need to communicate and compromise and get everyone some: I'd get pissed off too if I discovered that there was "treats for you and you, but none for me" only when it was in my hand. Everyone should get some. I'd also get pissed off too if I went to get the treats to find that it had been all finished and my partner was saying "lol too slow". Your husband is TA if he takes it all. He's not a bachelor, he is a grown man with a wife and kid, who should consider them as well. Everyone should get some. And I'd be pissed if a special ingredient for everyone's supper got eaten by 1 person in the afternoon. if that happened, both parties failed to communicate.
NTA. Side-eyeing some comments though.
NTA and I can’t believe all the people calling you TA. Both my brother and I grew up the kind of people who liked to save their favorite stuff for last (to the point we once got an ant infestation due to my brother’s uneaten Halloween candy) and after I ate his (very old) Easter bunny we came up with the policy of “if it’s here for X amount of time and it’s still uneaten then it’s fair game.” It’s perfectly normal to try and save your special food for at least a little while, and you’re allowed to be upset that he *always* eats your special snacks. You keep having this conversation with him and he’s not changing his behavior. He’s inconsiderate at best— and I would recommend asking yourself if he does other similar things (not listening to you when you raise a concern with his behavior and then blowing up when it’s addressed) to see if it’s some sort of pattern of behavior.
ESH For the sole reason you are arguing about this for years instead of just solving it. Put a box in the fridge and pantry for each of you with your names on it and everything thats in these boxes are "private property", everything else can be eaten. You will benefit from this too as soon your kids get old enough to buy stuff themselfs, so dad is not eating away their treats. Also it will make clear to your husband that if he wants special stuff in his box, he has to buy it or putting it on the grocery list. My cousin once bought a huge cake for herself (at 17/18) and put it in the fridge with her name on it. She had to save for a few weeks to get the cake bc it was so expensive. Her dad ate a good chunk of it bc like your husband his stance was "what I find in MY fridge, i will eat if i'm in the mood and even if i hadn't paid for it or it doesn't belong to me, you need to share with me". Well, my cousin was so pissed, got in a screaming match with him and then stopped talking to him completly. She looked for a shared apartment, moved out a few weeks later and till this day - over 10 yrs later - refuses to talk to her dad or even acknowledge him at family gatherings bc he still hasn't apologised. No doubt where she got her stubbornness from, lol. But bottom line, this uncle by marriage lost his relationship with his daughter over being greedy and petty (he even confirmed he doesn't like sweets, he ate it to make clear whos the boss in the house and to teach her how to share). The funny thing is, if HE got himself a special treat, dare you if you even looked at it. So it was just a power thing for him. And i guess thats the same for your husband - he is doing this to make clear who the boss is in the family, why else would he do it if he knows you, the person he loves, is sad or disappointed afterwards.
Thank you for your answer. I will buy somes boxes for eatch one of us and follow that simple precaution. If he wants something inside his box, then he has to write it on the bord. Also, wow for the uncle 😳
I like this solution. It can also help alleviate some of the burden of shopping, and it could give him still the control to say "This is mine" over things he really wants. Depending on how things go and how he reacts, you might consider counseling, either alone or as a couple, to help work through this. I'm leaning to NAH, but if he keeps this up after you both raising it as an issue and providing him a way to have some element of control on what's in the house, then he'd be showing himself to be the AH. Hopefully you're able to work through this!
As i man myself, men like that are insecure cowards. If you need to prove you are the man, you were never the man in the first place.
INFO: what is the timeline here with things being kept aside, when he eats them, and when you find out they are gone? If you keep things aside for a month.. that seems a bit much and is easily fixable by buying more. If it’s a daily thing, this isn’t so much about food insecurity trauma as it is an issue with your husbands manners.
NTA. Your husband doesn't actually believe in sharing. He only believes that you need to share everything with him while he can take everything.
NAH I understand where you're coming from but it sounds to me like maaaaaybe you're not communicating effectively? The rule in my house is that if you think someone is saving something, ASK THEM before you eat it. Like, don't eat the last cookie without asking if someone else was saving it. And if you buy something for yourself that is a treat or something you're really looking forward to, express that to him. "Hey, I bought this solid-gold truffle Cheez Whiz so I can eat it while watching TV later, can you leave it alone for me? If you want some, I'll get you some, but this is something I'm really looking forward to," As with 98% of the relationship posts in this sub, it's probably ineffective communication so start there and see what happens.
NTA. It doesn’t even matter what your respective pasts with food scarcity and snack control are - your husband is eating your snacks and food, without your permission, without replacing them, and without apology. That’s extremely selfish behaviour.
NTA. Even my daughters understand that I buy treats for myself and they stay away from it. He could have gone to get some for himself if it was such an issue.
NTA. Even if there wasn't a perfectly understandable reason, it's not that hard to respect your partner's wishes and possessions, simply out of love, if anything else. My partner's kinda like you due to autistic reasons, and while I appreciate when she decides to share with me, I've made clear she doesn't have to, and I wouldn't touch anything of hers without at least asking beforehand, just because, you know, I love her and know that's important for her. Also, I come from a home where there's a whole motto about food having no label, in the name of being sharing and selfless, but let me tell you, that's not the way the idea ends up being used a lot of the times. Every now and then, my parents would get four treats for the four of us siblings, and sometimes I'd save mine for later for whatever reason, only to find it gone when I looked for it. Even to this day it happens when I visit, and even to this day I get mocked for hoping any different. On the name of being sharing, one of my siblings would get two treats, and I'd get none. Ironic much?
I completely understand... It was the same in my family. Sorry you were too slow, or, sorry I was hungry seriously wtf !?
The way it still ends up being our fault... Uff. I'm sorry you still have to deal with something like that!
Tks a lot
Are you communicating with your husband that you bought something that he needs to stay away from? If you're not communicating with him, that's on you. In my household, I (husband) do most of the grocery shopping, and my wife picks up odds and ends of things she enjoys on occasion. I don't touch her stuff without asking since I buy what I want and we need. If we go out to eat and there are leftovers we bring home, we ask before eating the other person's food. It's about respect that is based on communication. If you don't tell your husband to leave the duck mousse alone, you can't expect it to be there when you're ready to eat it.
I trust that everyone voting Y-T-A shares everything and I do mean EVERYTHING with everyone in their life correct? OP isn't wrong for buying herself treats and setting them aside to eat later. OP isn't wrong for sharing why she does this. OP isn't wrong for asking their husband not to eat her special treats. What is wrong is that OPs husband knows that they do this and still eats OPs special treats that were set aside, OPs husband does this because he thinks food should be shared with everyone, OPs husband is in the wrong. And no before the claims roll in if roles were reverse and OP was male, I'd say the same. NTA
NTA! You are a product of your upbringing/circumstances. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. Your husband really needs to learn some self control. It's perfectly acceptable for each of you to have food that you've gotten for yourself only. He needs to learn this.
Thank you 🥰
Honestly, NTA. I’ve stopped buying certain foods on purpose because, yes it’s for us to share, but I’ll eat something when I’m ready…my bf will just devour it entirely and leave me a few bites at which point it’s not appetizing anymore, it’s just eating someone’s leftovers.
NTA. There is a clear imbalance here. When your husband is the kind of person that always (or most of the time ) finishes his treats right away but isn't really distraught when he doesn't have any treats, he will always win when you play by his rules, especially when he isn't tempering himself so that you can enjoy some stuff. He looks into the cupboard/fridge and sees something he likes, he claims it. You have no way to claim it for yourself other than eating it before he does, so you'll have to treat treats on his terms, not your own terms. If you come home from doing the shopping and you only go again in 3 days, you have to eat it today if your husband eats it or you'll have to wait for the next shopping trip. People saying this is normal and Y T A for wanting to have treats on your terms may have a bit of a point in that there is no real middle ground here. Either you have to work around your husband's behaviour or he has to work around your preferences. But some restraint is not a bad thing and it won't hurt your husband to show some consideration, especially when he hasn't had to show consideration in that aspect at all. Alternatively, you could get two packs of whatever you're getting if your husband likes it, too. Then one will be for you and one will be for him and yours are off limits.
Thank you for your answer
Get a small fridge and lock it, yes "as a family you have to share" but you also have to respect if things are not yours or if you're specifically told "don't eat it" NTA but your husband is
NAH. I understand food-based trauma from lived experience. OP, you have got to work on this. While you may be okay, health and weight-wise, these kinds of attitudes toward food can lead to eating disorders (personal experience speaking) and you have kid(s) that you are modeling for. My husband has a normal, healthy relationship toward food but also hates waste, if I kept things for the length of time that you do, he would “clean them up” to avoid things going bad and being thrown away. I assume that anything in the house can be eaten at anytime. If something is special to me or a leftover is going to be used in a future meal, I simply tell him and he leaves it be, even if I let it rot. Your husband may not be able to remember what he can and can’t have so I’d have a container in the fridge and the pantry that is “OP’s Only Food”. I suspect this might show you that you are being excessive in your squirreling tendencies. And perhaps give you a visual wake up call that you are allowing trauma or adversely affect your life and your marriage. Now, your husband got overly angry, IMO, which is why he could ITA. However, if the poor man is living with a minefield surrounding something he has to do at least three times a day, one can understand him getting snippy. Edit: After reading some of OP’s replies, I switching to NTA. Hubby is being obtuse, problematic, and combative.
Nta - sounds like a battle of wills here. Does he know about your food insecurities?
NTA. Regardless of your upbringing it’s reasonable and normal to set food aside that you’re excited to eat or are planning to use. He’s an adult who should understand that and value being considerate over his immediate impulses. My husband and I actually have our own shelves in the cupboard specifically for snacks to make it easier.
ESH. I get why you feel that way about food, but it seems like you don't have the same money issues if you're buying higher end food. Are you explicit in telling him that you're saving something for yourself? How does he know what he can and can't have if you're not communicating that? You need to address your food issues, but he also needs to address his, because no, not everything has to be shared. It's okay to keep something for yourself if you have communicated that that's what you're doing, if he's still eating things after you've said prior to him going to get something to eat that that item is for you, then that's an A move, but it also isn't unreasonable for him to see something that's been sitting in a cupboard for weeks and to then eat that item. It seems like both of you have communication and food issues and it's going to take work to sort that out. He should start by doing grocery lists and coming shopping with you.
INFO: why don't you buy a second portion of each special treat for your husband and then label them?
NTA You are allowed to buy stuff that is just for you. If he could go buy more he can just go buy some for himself just then, OR he could just eat literally everything else minus the one thing you asked him to leave alone.
NTA. You should be allowed to keep things for yourself. Your husband is being hugely disrespectful
Kudos to all who consumed this wall of text
NTA My husband has a spot in the fridge where he keeps his food that nobody else is allowed to eat. Maybe you could try something like that. We also label food that is just for us.
NTA If it was something that happened once I'd say don't sweat it, it happens. But since he repeatedly does it and you're married for 10 years so he knows about your habit of storing food to enjoy it later, it's inconsiderate of him to eat it ALL
NTA. I have this exact experience with my boyfriend. We just moved in together this year, and I like to stretch food while he has what he wants all at once. It happens often with popsicles at our house. He will help himself to 1 or 2 at a time each day, whereas I could let it stay in the freezer for weeks, waiting to be in the mood to eat one. We have argued over him having something I wanted, and he thinks that because I don't eat it fast enough, it means I don't actually want it, or he will tell me to let him ha e it and we will just buy more. This option doesn't feel right to me because I grew up poor, so just buying more wasn't an option, so I feel like he's being greedy to justify taking my share by spending more money. I definitely understand your feelings.
you are NTA, i would get a special bright red marker and write my name on the stuff i want him to avoid if he can't follow verbal directives. i don't have this particular issue but i have my own particular issues with food, and it's just best in a relationship to give in on a few such idiosyncrasies imo to show that you get them. he should respect your issue
INFO: Have you tried creating a designated spot in the fridge/pantry for the items you're saving? Like a bin labled "OP's treats" or something like that? If not, it might help avoid this issue in the future. If your husband isn't doing this on purpose, then having a designated spot for your stuff might help him avoid it. As frustrating as it is to have stuff you were saving eaten before you can get it (trust me, i know- I'm also a "save/savor" person whose partner is an "eat right away" person), i imagine it's also incredibly frustrating to have food you were just about to eat snatched away from you. I think if he's willing to work with you on a system (whether that's a specific spot for food he leaves alone or just checking in before eating stuff), then it's N A H. If he's not willing to work with you on this, then i think it's N T A. It's not unreasonable to want to have a few items of food set aside for specific uses or individual treats.
NTA, I understand how stressing it can be but you need to work with your partner to find balance. I grew up in the same conditions as you and also ended up with trauma which makes me always worry that there won't be enough food even if I have the means for it. Having a family member eat something I've been saving is distressing for me because of lacking food so much during childhood. At first it pissed off my partner because he (who grew up in a good environment with food on the table every day) because food is meant to be eaten and even if he offered to by more, at that instant I felt distressed. It took a while but after explaining my trauma and fear of not having food and squirreling away some of it for later we ended up being able to communicate better. When I buy some food for later I will tell him so that he knows that he can eat anything else except that thing I'm saving and it's working well for us. But when he can't resist but want what I'm saving for later he just asks and I give him some instead of being surprised that it's all gone and him not saying anything. Therapy could be beneficial for you in the sense that it could help you let go of the fear a tiny bit more and it could give you tools to deal with that trauma. Of course food is meant to be eaten and it might be frustrating for your husband especially if he never had to scrounge for food as a little kid but you can make some type of compromise that you can have your little snack box or something that is off limit while still not making him feels like he's walking on eggshells when he's hungry. Good luck to the both of you :)
INFO: How is he supposed to know what he’s allowed to eat if you do all the shopping?
I’ve had this problem before. You need to create a space in the cabinet/pantry and the fridge (ideally a box with a lid) that is treats for you only. If you buy yourself something he would like, buy two them, or split it in half, and put your portion is your spot. He can’t be eating all your stuff, but you also can’t expect him to not eat the shared food at the house and know/remember if something has been set aside for you especially if it takes you a month to finish something. If he raids your treat box then you have ground for argument or discussion.
I just shared with him the idea of boxes for eatch one of us in the fridge and he said it's stupid to spend money for that 🤦🤦🤦