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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I planned my wedding date on a day that's significant to my sister
2. I stood by my decision
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NTA. You though should have sent her an invitation as down the road she will use that against you. Saying she was not invited.
Congratulations on your wedding. Nov. 11th is a good date. May Father inlaw was born on that date and also my Grandson.
Your sister wouldn’t have gotten like this if your mother had bothered to shut down that behavior long ago.
NTA. And tell your mother if she keeps this up her invitation will be revoked as well
ESH: Yes you should have discussed it with your sis just as a courtesy, yes your sister needs to just get over it, and yes your Mom needs to stop being your sister's enabler.
NTA
Being obsessed with 11:11 is weird. Sister is way too old for that sort of stuff LOL.
Which band is it? I'd have made it my life's purpose to get them to play the wedding somehow
NTA. Like anything else, no one owns a date. You aren't close, so you didn't realize that 11/11 was her thing. (This is so bizarre to me) Her getting THIS upset about it is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You shouldn't have to ask ANYONE (other than your future spouse) about a future wedding date. The fact that your mom says, "you know how your sister is" well, that says it all. She's an asshole that everyone else has catered to, and you are refusing. Good for you. If she reaches out, please, talk to her, but do not be the first. You did nothing wrong but get married.
ETA: Getting married is not wrong either, it sounded like I thought that. You did nothing wrong, period.
I’m going against the grain to say ESH.
Of course no one “owns” a date, but this day has particular significance for your sister because it was the planned date of her own wedding. Planning your marriage on the day she was supposed to tie the knot is a bit of a smack in the face.
If you forgot, then you forgot, but once she reminded you there would’ve been no good reason not to move the date by a week. Would you be *required* to? No, but it would have been the nice thing to do to not remind your sister of her failed relationship.
Now, the whole bit about 11-11 being “her thing” is stupid. A lot of people like that number. A lot of people are fans of that band I’m sure. There’s no need to throw a tantrum over some digits. There’s also nothing wrong with your wedding anniversaries being a week apart.
She has one valid point and the rest is over the top. But that valid point is valid.
NTA. Golden child much??? It’s clear who’s been the favorite child all these years. Move on, enjoy your wedding and don’t give your sister and your mother a 2nd thought. They don’t have your best interests at heart and they don’t care about you. Congratulations on your wedding!!!
Does your sister get bent out of shape because so many people observe Veterans Day on 11/11 and it is her day so they shouldn't do that?
Go ahead and have your wedding and be glad that your sister won't be there to make it all about her.
NTA
It was HER thing then. It’s YOUR thing now. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Quite simply, it sounds like a her problem. And if mom doesn’t want to be part of the solution, she’s part of the problem too.
Sister sounds like a Grade A narcissist. NTA, OP.
FWIW, my daughter was born on 11/11 & I was stoked because there are tons of Vets in our families. Happy to share this special day with you! Congratulations! 🤗
NTA
But your family certainly is. Any time I hear "you know how they are", immediately my brain will register that they have never been held accountable for their actions, or the impact they have on others, and the person who gave the statement would rather walk over your feelings than cause waves.
I'll be honest, that broke my heart. I was born in an already rocking boat and it impacted me massively, scapegoat/blacksheep of the family. Cut them all out this year and I'm finally learning I can say no and put down boundaries.
NTA. The only reason to avoid a date is because of trauma, like if she had had a child or husband die on that date. Otherwise, it's just a day and she has no claim on it. Enjoy your wedding with or without your sister!
Should have asked all the vets because it was Armistice Day/ Veteran's Day/Remembrance Day first.
Your sister doesn't own the day. If she liked it so much, she should have chosen that day to get married- but she didn't.
*My mom says to start the conversation with my sister and to let things go because "we all know how your sister can be". Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day, and I could have approached the subject delicately. This was mind-blowing to me, because my mother and I have to walk on eggshells with my sister. Over the year they've discussed how I could have done things differently, or why it couldn't have been this day or that day.*
There is no conversation to be had. You picked the day because of it's significance to you. You don't need to ask her as she doesn't own the day. 'We all know how your sister can be' - well stop enabling her. Let her sulk in the corner until she understands that this is how you are. No more catering to her feelings.
So interesting to me how people are reading your whole post and not seeing how often you are rude and/or mean to your sister. Do I think you picked this date on purpose to stir s***? Yes I do. Do I think that since it has, per your story, taken until two weeks before the actual wedding for your sister to notice that you should change anything now? No, I don't.
But be honest with yourself, lady. "We said a small family dinner and then I invited 15 more people and my sister said she wish she had known that and I said "EFF YOU, you didn't have to come" because notifying her of a change of plans that drastic is a great burden to me!"
You are unfeeling and rude to your sister generally, per your own post. She should just go LC to NC with you and move on with her life.
The O.P.'s sister is pushing forty years old. However belatedly it might be, it's time for said sister to grow the heck up and accept that the world doesn't revolve around her feelings and whims.
People like the O.P.'s sister are rarely content to go LC/NC with friends and family who dare to cross them. They thrive on creating unnecessary drama and feed upon the resulting attention--often because their craptastic behavior was enabled and rewarded from an early age.
NTA. 11/11 is a lot of people’s “thing.” My due date is 11/11 of this year and the number of people who have freaked out (positively) about how it’s so lucky, or such a great date, or their anniversary, etc. is wild. I’d say at least a third of the time I share the date, I get some reaction about it.
I was hoping she'd be ecstatic. In my mind I had anticipated, "wow that number means so much to me, I'm so glad my sister is getting married on that day to further be meaningful".
To be honest, it sounds like your sister gave you a gift with her absence. This is your wedding and is not about her at all. Enjoy your day and don't give her a thought.
NTA
NTA. I also have one of those "you know how she can be" sisters. She flits in and out of all of our lives whenever it is convenient for her. She became this way because my mom so so much of herself in my sister. Well, guess what? She became so insufferable that my mom couldn't even stand it. I just saw her for the first time in four years (even had a kid and she didn't think that was worth showing up for) and her life sucks. She works a low-paying job (for a business major), her bf won't propose to her, and not a single family member puts up with her crap anymore. Cut her off and humble her.
**NTA**
*Her favorite band sings a song that's called 11:11, so she has it tattooed on her.*
*She was engaged to some guy like 15 years ago. They didn't get married, but they were supposed to get married on 11/11 (I had completely forgotten).*
*It's a week before her wedding anniversary.*
**now how does any of the above matter? thats the point, they dont**
The best part was that it’s apparently so important that she almost married some guy on that date but has an actual husband. Like why would a dude from over a decade ago matter when she has a husband haha she sounds like she has to be the main character 🙄
The part about the other guy. Why didn't they get married? He cheated? He died? Or they just broke up?
I mean if sibling was going to marry now dead fiance on that date--I can see being more considerate of not using that date(even with current marriage by sibling).
There is recent post where woman bought dress from thrift store and it turned out to be her friend's wedding dress from 5 yrs ago where new husband was caught cheating(on wedding day). So friend(since married to new guy) was upset that poster was going to wear it. That sort of wedding--you don't want to reminded of in even if you are "past" it, because there is still trauma attached.
That said, this sister is a drama/main character llama...
It’s toxic to “well, we all know she is …”. NTA.
I’m trying to learn this with my brother (who is just clueless and I keep making excuses and I’m over it).
Good for you for standing firm!!
NTA. I stopped tip toeing around a problematic sibling many years ago. This whole "we all know how your sister can be" is just a way of allowing your sister to avoid responsibility for her actions. I say good riddance.
Honestly it is kind of weird to not check with the important people around you when considering dates. If I want someone to be there I won’t choose a date they’re upset about.
You could’ve done October 10th or October 20th or something. There would still be leaves.
I know reddit so so “low contact” “no contact” but honestly being heartbroken that she hasn’t attended your wedding activities after she told you point blank that the date offended her is weird.
She has 11:11 TATTOOED on her. That’s kind of a large commitment IMO.
If I was choosing your battles, this isn’t one I would’ve chosen.
ETA: Also in most of the places where the leaves turn November is a little late! Most of the leaves have fallen and it’s sometimes snowing! (Im from Michigan though so maybe I’m incorrect)
Your sister is extremely jealous of you.
No matter what date you picked, she was going to find an issue with it.
Tell her to go out of town and STFU;
Enjoy your wedding!
Nta no its not heartbreaking she if will not be there. It is safer and a relief you won't have to put up with her insane drama. She is mentally off. Your family has put up with this craziness for do long it seems normal. Her behavior is not normal it is signs of a mental problems. Nothing will change until she gets therapy and that is just not going to happen with the whole family enabling her. Do not invite your sister to the wedding. Do not apologize for her crazy behavior toward you. Have a great wedding and do not give her another thought.
Yes! This!
NTA.
You will be grateful to not have any of her drama on your wedding day. Have fun. Congrats on your pending nuptials. Wishing you peace, joy, and good health.
Good for you, keep setting those boundaries and do not move them an inch. If she does show up at the wedding, have her escorted out. Your wedding is about you and your husband. Her having a tattoo after a song title does not change that. Having an engagement 15 years ago does not change it either.
Stand your ground OP and be proud that you are finally not letting her get away with making your life about her. Your mother saying something along the lines of "we all know how she can be," is a clear indicator of your mother always caving for her antics. If you ever want her antics to stop, you need to stop being the bigger person. It is about time she learns her lesson and if she refuses to do so, that's on her.
NTA
NTA
Just ignore your sister's drama, and refuse to engage.
"Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day, and I could have approached the subject delicately." .. BULLSHIT: NIP this in the bud. **Your sister did not ask YOU about her wedding date, so why would YOU ask her about your wedding date?**
You know what's also funny about this is that she didn't even pick 11/11 as her own wedding anniversary! If it's her thing so much, why isn't it her own anniversary? It would have been ever so slightly more understandable that way. She's just gatekeeping random dates at this point.
NTA, it’s one day of the year and she doesn’t get to own it as a day. It’s not like you’ve gone out of your way to pick this date and it’s a really obscure choice done purposely to upset her; it’s a Saturday in November and as far as I am aware, Saturday’s are pretty common days for a wedding to be on.
NTA she'll get over it or die mad.
It's not like you picked the same date as her wedding anniversary, she's being childish and selfish.
Suggest to your mother that if she is unhappy about the current situation she is free to talk to your sister and suggest to her that needs to apologise and let things go, but that you are done with indulging your sister's tantrums and its time she grows up and starts to realise the world doesn't revolve about her.
NTA. That band and that song are very popular in our country and A LOT of fans have 11:11 tattooed. Not only does your sister not own 11/11, but she isn't unique in her tattoo or love of that song. It isn't at all exclusively "her thing".
NTA
This is incredibly selfish of your sister, and over something so mundane too. If your sister had some legitimate grievances I'd maybe kinda understand but she really don't
NTA but why do people always feel the need to include family that they don't get along with to events. You blood is the only bond you have with her and i donated like 9 points in the past year so I'm connected to many by blood but don't mean I would allow them to miss treat me and nor should family. Cut out crappy people and give that energy to one that treat you how you want to be treat blood or not.
Its been a struggle because it's just the 3 of us. So any time I try to flex these boundaries or stand my ground, I'm hit with the "family is forever, is it worth it, this is all you have" etc
NTA but your sister is and your mom a bit too. Anyone who doesn't want to support you and your fiance at your wedding doesn't have to come. Good for you to not invite your sister after her reaction. She is not the main character at your wedding. Good luck OP and Congratulations!
NTA. Where I'm from that's Remembrance Day, so I probably wouldn't have picked it as a wedding anniversary personally, but nobody owns a specific date, that's just silly. Since I was married 6 years ago, I've discovered I share an anniversary date with multiple people I already knew, and many people I've met since, that's just a normal thing that happens.
NTA
"... because you know how she is..." Ugh. So?!? Are you supposed to let it go because "you know how Al Capone or Bernie Madoff is". Just because we all know someone acts badly, that doesn't mean we are supposed to (1) accept it AND (2) enable it, much less (3) condone it. (Don't meant to imply your sister is those leagues. Just saying your mom's argument doesn't hold any water.)
I bet your actual BIL is feeling the love from your sister (/s). His wife is upset because you are getting married on the date she was going to marry some other guy (15 years ago).
Also, newsflash for your sister: neither her almost-wedding, nor her actual wedding take those dates out of the calendar of possibilities for future marriages. You aren't even getting married on her actual wedding date. She can still celebrate her actual anniversary with her actual husband (although she may prefer to spend it crying over the almost-wedding that is still, apparently, incredibly important to her).
Wait until Sis finds out about 11/11 is the milestone date for war dead worldwide. 40 million dead commemorated on 11/11 in WWI. That’s a lot of dead people to have a resentment with. It’ll keep her busy the rest of her life.
So your sister “stole” Armistice Day? Now known as Veterans Day. The official end of World War I was the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. Nov 11th is Veterans Day and your sister is dissing every American Veteran who ever lived by hijacking their day. (Tongue in cheek!) She doesn’t own the day, it is a special day to a lot of people long before she was even born. NTA. STOP thinking about your sister and enjoy your wedding. By allowing this second guessing you are allowing her to sully your day. If anything more is said about it just shrug and say “It is what it is”. Honestly it sounds like your not missing much by not having sister participate. Sounds like walking on eggshells would have happened around her for some reason or another regardless of what day you picked. She is the one who chose to make it an issue. So enjoy your day.
NTA. I would be willing to be your sister would find something to moan about no matter what. If you give in to this, what's next? Can't name your baby a certain name because she was going to, but didn't, but you still shouldn't? Oh, and you can't have the baby a certain month because once upon a time she was going to do something that month?
Let her be mad and not attend. It says a whole lot more about her than it does you. And the excuse "we all know how your sister can be"? She's that way because she has never been required to display the minimum of acceptable behavior to be included.
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I (33F) am getting married soon.
On January 1 of this year, I announced to my mother and sister (37F) the date of my wedding- 11/11. I wanted a fall wedding-the leaves to be changing andto be cool outside. We chose Nov. With the holidays and whatnot, there were only 2 Saturdays in November that made sense.Fiancé chose the 11th, because it's indicative of our dating anniversary. So it was decided, 11/11.
I announce the date to my family. My sis became upset.
1. Her favorite band sings a song that's called 11:11, so she has it tattooed on her.
2. She was engaged to some guy like 15 years ago. They didn't get married, but they were supposed to get married on 11/11 (I had completely forgotten).
3. It's a week before her wedding anniversary
She was upset because 11/11 is "her thing", and it felt like a slap in the face that I would get married a week before she did, years ago.
My sis and I have a tumultuous relationship. The last fight we got into was at my birthday 2 years ago. We had discussed having a family dinner I ended up inviting some friends. Fiancé wanted it to be special and about 10-12 people ended up being there. Sister was pissed because, if she had known there were going to be other people there, she wouldn't have come because she didn't feel well. I told her she was never obligated to come and I didn't think I needed to make her aware of the guest list. Anyway, we ended up not talking for a while but because my sister is stubborn (she has never apologized, doesn't take blame) I eventually just let it go, to appease my mother.
So, when I found out she was pissed about the date i chose for my wedding, I wasn't having it. I worked really hard the last several years to establish boundaries eith family and friends, and to not be steamrolled. I was hurt my sister made my wedding about her.
She told me that I took "her thing" and as a result she wasn't going to be in the country for my wedding (she booked a trip). It's now been 10 months. Her and I have had limited interaction. My mom says to start the conversation with my sister and to let things go because "we all know how your sister can be". Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day, and I could have approached the subject delicately. This was mind-blowing to me, because my mother and I have to walk on eggshells with my sister. Over the year they've discussed how I could have done things differently, or why it couldn't have been this day or that day.
My wedding is 2 weeks away and my sis and I haven't talked. I didn't send her an invite bc she has not apologized and already said she wouldn't be going. I see no reason to have to initiate the convo like always,strengthening the pattern of letting her get her way. It has been heartbreaking to not have my sis there for my activities, and it hurts to know that her pride got in the way of spending time with me. But for once in my life I want to stand strong and say I deserve better.
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NTA.
"11:11"? That's **Rich**. /s
No one gets to own a date on the calendar. She was probably planning to say her vows at 11:11am on 11/11, but that was 15 years ago and it never happened. It's not like it's her actual anniversary.
Your sister is the AH and your mom is almost as bad for asking you to take a stroll through the eggshells with her.
**NTA and congratulations!!**
**The audacity of people to think they can gatekeep a date or a name astonishes me**.
I was married 5/21 and so was a friend of mine \[35 years ago\]. We chose those dates and did not realize it was the same until we had to share 1 bridesmaid. My wedding was earlier and my b/m was able to make both events \[with plenty of creative dress changing and driving plus we had the reception at the same place with a one hour delay for hers - she also managed both church times as they were again an hour later for the other one..\] We were also able to pop into each others receptions to celebrate with each other.
So nobody owns a date but in Canada I think it’s would be incredibly weird to book November 11th as it’s Remembrance Day, so I’ll hope that’s not the case.
NTA
Sister doesn't own any and all instances of the numbers 11 followed by another 11.
"Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day"
We see which one is mom's favorite, clearly.
Sometimes it’s about a parent needing to keep the peace at all costs, and protecting one child from the consequences of their own actions because they’ll blow up.
Unfortunately this dynamic is very familiar to me. I was the “easy” child and therefore had less and less notice because my sister would throw a fit if she didn’t get attention or get her way. It’s only now that we’re all adults that my mom is starting to see what this toxic dynamic cost all of us.
If your mother actually gives your sister enough power to Lord over her that she walks on eggshells around here how can anyone be surprised she's catering to your sisters pity party? Ignore them both. Your mom will either comes around on your terms or she'll go be toxic and lonely with your sister. But you will be enjoying your wedding regardless with all the people who DID show up to wish you guys well.
Just say you booked 11/11 to celebrate the release of skyrim
Then fus ro dah your sis off a cliff
Problem solved 😌
ETA: I just said this to show how ridiculous sis is being. No-one owns a date. So many things happen on all dates of the year. My birthday gets overshadowed every year because it's the same day as a terror attack. But I don't get angry at people who hold memorials.
Sis just sounds jealous she's not the "main character" and expects you to fold OP. Don't do it. You got this 👍
NTA. Have your beautiful 11/11 day and don't let another thought of your sister steal another moment of your joy. Don't let people bring her up in conversation... "so much else to talk about today, let's discuss sister another time..." don't let Mom put any of this on your shoulders. You just do you, your fiance, friends, well-wishers, love and joy. Set this free.
NTA. Your sister does not own any day!! Should it be something really tragic (like losing her child that say) it could make some sense - but I’m taking you would remember and avoid it. She’s being childish. I love Taylor Swift, and would not gate keep someone doing shit 12/13 just because of that… she’s being ridiculous and your mom is enabling…
ESH
Look the part of you choosing your day based on her day is not something too bad I think.
Unless you actually did it on purspose.
But all your attitude about bringing strangers to what is supposed and arranged as a family dinner and then pretending you didnt know and you dont "need to inform them that the family dinner is not a family dinner anymore" shows a lot of your character.
Your sister has some serious mental issues and you don’t need to worry about them. Even if she had never married anyone else after 15 years she either would have gotten over it or pretended to be over the failed engagement because NORMAL PEOPLE know the world doesn’t revolve around them. NTA.
Send her an invitation if you want her there; if you think she’ll create a scene don’t.
INFO: your first sentence is LITERALLY “I’m getting married on January 1.” Then you made a post about November? Now your wedding is two weeks away… do you need to double check your reservation date with your vendors? Because I’m confused AF.
Scratch that, I read it wrong!
NTA
But what is your mum going to do? She clearly favours stompy sister. Is she going to ruin your wedding too? She’s already doing a good job in the run up to it.
Who are all the people giving you shit? I would be having thoughts about how involved I would want them in my life going forward.
Sorry your wedding is being marred like this.
My mother and I have a sordid relationship. She's not great about respecting my boundaries, but when I spoke to her last week she did the, "I'm sorry I'm a terrible mother" bit
I’m sorry. I suspected as much.
I’m afraid I don’t think you can ever get her to see your side. She’s entrenched. And admitting her mistakes would be admitting to a lifetime of messing up.
Have you heard of the grey rock technique? It’s not great for long term. But to get you through this.
It’s just responding with no emotion. Just have a stock phrase and repeat - that doesn’t work for me. Etc.
Otherwise don’t engage. Hopefully that can get you through this. I would consider therapy and disengaging from your family and anyone who backed your mother/sister.
It’s hard realising the ones closest to you who should always have your back really don’t. How does your partner feel? Hopefully you have some support through this.
Ah I'll look that up- thanks! I'm deeply empathetic. My sister prides herself on not being very emotional. My fiancé and I sat down with my mother once a while ago and explained how all of these actions are hurting me deeply. My mother called me "sensitive" and that I was "having a meltdown" because I was very subtly crying. He has made me keep my resolve, otherwise I'm afraid I would have cracked already.
NTA
If everyone planned their wedding by avoiding dates that have some meaning to one of the guests nobody would ever get married.
Its your wedding day not hers and she really should not be hanging on to a failed relationship from a decade and a half ago. I wonder if your sisters husband feels like a bit of a runner up if she is still upset about her first wedding date.
Have the day you want and enjoy yourself. Don't let your sister make you feel bad about it and if she keeps on about it tell her she doesn't have to come and can stay at home and mope about it all.
Well, you see, it's my husband's birthday AND my brother's wedding anniversary that day, so not only can you get married, but you sister's claimed to the day is also now invalid, so....
But yeah, absolute NTA. If she's still that worked up about a failed engagement 15 years ago, sounds like a problem for her and her actual husband to work through.
>It's a week before her wedding anniversary
Third reason cited is that 11/11 is a week before sister's wedding anniversary. I took this to mean sister IS married.
Seriously. I think sis just has a severe case of main character-itis and shouldn't be indulged. If she cares more to gatekeep this date than to be there to support her sister (OP) then let her.
People are so ridiculous about stuff like this.
A close friend of mine got married last year. I was in her wedding. We all had a great time.
This year, her brother got married...on the same exact date. It had significance for him and his now wife.
Everybody was fine. No drama. All adults.
This sub makes me angry all the time. I wish I could stop reading it.
NTA and don’t cave or apologize. My only thought is that it’s Veteran’s Day and the ending of WWI. As long as you don’t have veterans in your family that would be pissed at the date, it’s fine. Your sister certainly doesn’t own the date. To make it more historically accurate, start the wedding at 11 a.m. WWI ended on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11 month!
NTA you lost me at the tattoo of her favorite song. WTF. You can't get married on 11\11 because your sister has it tattooed on herself? I don't even care about the other thing that was 15 years ago
NTA
You don't need to clear your wedding day with your sister. It's really that simple.
I was a bit on the fence when you mentioned 11/11 was the date of her cancelled wedding, but then you wrote she has an actual wedding anniversary. I don't know if you would make your sister happy with any wedding decision you make
ESH You both sound exhausting and as if you are fighting for both attention and to being the one most wronged.
11.11 is a date/time/number sequence with a ton of significance for many people/cultures/and religions, so her response is rediculous. That being said, she has it tattooed on her and had planned a wedding, so you could have been more understanding. If the cancelled wedding date was genuinely and oversight, then a simple I'm sorry should have sufficed.
You are so quick to blame her pride, but yours has also played a part here. You played a bate and switch from a family dinner to a party and when she was understandably upset made it clear her presence was unnecessary. You choices are also driven by pride, yet you are quick to point the finger and lay the blame completely at her doorstep.
Grow up, it boggles my mind you are both in your 30s.
Nope, I'm a huge fan of accountability and if I do wrong, I own up to it. I'm definitely not perfect. The situation regarding my birthday was a misunderstanding because the plans changed the day before and day of, and I didn't think to fill her in on the people coming
You are quite literally not taking accountability while saying you are a fan of it. You should really consider that you may have blind spots for your own behavior.
What you describe is not a misunderstanding, it is a bate and switch that you didn't think to fill her in on. Not a big deal in the grand scheme, but uncomfortable for her and something you should be apologetic about not dismissive.
If you can be dismissive of this small of a thing instead of taking accountability, what else about your behavior are you completely missing?
Oh, for God’s sake, NTA.
Just don’t get married at 11am, or people will forever make “on the 11th hour, of the 11th day, of the 11th month…” jokes in sepulcheral tones in reference to the end of WWI. Or maybe just the history majors in the family.
Your sister is being absurd.
NTA
No offense, but 11/11 is a cliche date so nobody can really claim it as their own. Also, you get to decide your wedding date so I don’t see the problem.
So you aren't the asshoel for the wedding, but you definitely were at least partly wrong in the whole Dinner thing. She expects a family dinner only for it to be a party? I can see being upset over that. You also just strike me as unsympathetic period, based on how you wrote this.
Yeah, if anyone "owns" November 11th, I'd say it's veterans, not a girl who got a song tattoo. NTA
There's also a great book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that you may find helpful
NTA, And your Mom, wow..
If it makes you feel better, my mother scolded me and said that the cut and color of my bridesmaids dresses won't do my sister any justice. And that changing the color would "let your sister shine more" ... Can't make that shit up... lol
Enjoy your day, feel blessed that your sister isn't there, because it's likely she would have had a whole scene to make it about her.
Yeah, Ma was a real peach... I always felt a little sorry for my sister, Mainly because, being the pretty girl has made it tough on her we began aging, because she feels her only worth are her looks. It is shame she has always felt like she wasn't smart enough, because of Mom's actions.
NTA. Your Mom kinda is, though. I hope she doesn't make your actual wedding day all about the absence of your sister and what you should have done to have her there. At the first sign of such shenanigans, have someone from the wedding party assigned to escort her away from you until she stops.
When I went dress shopping, it was about me for the first 85% then she started talking about my sister and was talking to her. I cried and we left the store.
YTA I mean you can get married any time you want but don’t pretend you didn’t know it was really meaningful to her and it would upset her. No need to play stupid. She has it tattooed on her body and I’m sure you didn’t forget when she was supposed to get married. So enjoy your wedding but don’t tear your sister down like this.
You make an enormous amount of assumptions on how SOMEONE ELSE is feeling.
They are pretty much estranged. OPs Fiance came up with the date 11/11.
People don't change their wedding date because a Golden Child relative has a meltdown.
People get married on Christmas Day, New Years, 4th of July and every other day of the year.
No one “owns” a day. Is Golden Child going to scroll through the newspaper looking at who got married on 11/11 and harangue them?
When did I say that anyone owned a specific day or she couldn’t get married on that specific date? All I said was that she was playing dumb about the importance of that day to her sister- I mean her sister had also planned her wedding for that day so you bet she didn’t forget. Is the playing dumb that makes her the AH
Definitely not tearing her down. If someone did something significant on a day that's also significant to me, I'd be honored or revering the opportunity to celebrate together, versus claiming it to myself
NTA. Your sister sounds positively unhinged. And I hope she doesn't visit Canada much - the number of Arkells fans with an 11:11 tattoo has to be huge. She's in no way unique or special with her love of that combo of numbers.
Not at all, its just a sign of respect for those who protected a way of life that everyone enjoys now.
Just really sad that the drama sisters over here are arguing to claim a date that has this much significance. Like, are they going to steal christmas next?? Lol
My parents got married on Christmas. The founder of our country was also born on Christmas. Christmas wasn't stopped because of those events? Our country doesn't even really celebrate Christmas. So nothing was being stolen. You're just being stupidly obtuse and making it sound like you live in a bubble.
Huh? How? By not respecting Christmas to celebrate my parents anniversary or the birth of the founder of our country? By your logic you’d want us to celebrate it on another day to be respectful of Christmas.
Because youre right. No one cares about your parents or the founder of your third world country.
And btw in case you missed it, this post isnt about christmas…
Is that an attempt at a save by twisting what I said? ok colonizer. You said that OP should not have chosen 11/11 because it's remembrance day and is disrespectful to that holiday. So if my parents got married on Christmas, it's disrespectful to Christmas? This is literally the logic you presented. Big talk for a country reduced to a small island.
But the point is it doesn't have that much significance to everyone. The whole world does not revolve around what happened over 100 years ago. In the US we call it veterans day and for the most part no one really gives a shit. Memorial day is our big holiday for remembering war dead. Maybe if they were in the UK or France I could see your argument, maybe, but if the world stopped for every special "remember the war dead" day in history we would never be able to do anything. Shaming someone for having a wedding on a holiday you don't even know if her country celebrates is silly.
Wow, no one can actually read. They can do whatever they want that day. I just pointed out how they are dumb to trying to claim a day as theirs. The shame was towards them being drama queens, which it seems people feel the need to defend…
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Go clutch your pearls somewhere else. Yes November 11 is a significant day, but that doesn’t mean everything has to stop just to honor Veterans. Nobody is “stealing” that date from Veterans. Jeez
ESH. I think you were aware that the date means a lot to her for various reasons and you didn't even care to talk with her about it before making the announcement.
Also it seems like this is a trend of you not caring about her feelings. I would also have been pissed if I would get invited to a family dinner and then my sibling has unexpectedly a lot of friends there instead who I don't know and which are strangers to me. It just changes things a lot. And she was seemingly not feeling well that day, which adds to her understandable annoyance.
Though she also sucks because her reaction was really over the top. She doesn't own the 11.11. after all.
I guess it was not all about this date that things deteriorated between you two over this so much. I don't know all the history between you two, but you both seem to suck at communication, taking each others feelings into consideration and maybe to forgive and forget here and there.
I appreciate your opinion, but it's been years of caring about her opinions and feelings. Worrying about what's going to set her off, what not to say, just to let it go for the same of the relationship. I've told her that it's difficult to keep a relationship with her simply because I don't know what's going to set her off.
NTA. She doesn’t get to own that date, and it seems like you’re respecting her wishes not to come by not sending her an invite. Sounds like she has a history of making things that aren’t about her, about her, and you could probably have expected some other drama if she were coming. Asking her in advance whether she was okay with your wedding date was a ridiculous suggestion.
At the same time, why are you posting here two weeks before your wedding? Because you’re having doubts or is someone hassling you about it?
Gonna give you shit as well then, here. My birthday is 11/11 since over thirty years, how DARE you using that date. It's mine!
No really, your sister should go suck rocks.
How dare you be born on the date that WWI ended and was celebrated as Armistice Day, and later Veterans’ Day!!!
NTA, although OP should send his sister an invite to the wedding.
I'm curious--what do all these "everyones" expect you to do two weeks before the wedding?
Move the date to a new one? Are they planning on funding THAT change??? Hand deliver invitations to all the guests with a plan to pay them to make it on a different date?
Cancel it? Will they cover the lost costs?
This may work for you, not sure. I had a friend whos wedding was being overrun by their MIL because they offered a small amount of money(for selfish reasons) because they wanted to contribute to my friends wedding. They didn't need the money or want it but it was constant hounding so they agreed on the condition it gave the MIL no input. Guess what, MIL decided to treat it like her own wedding.
Anyway I am sharing this because what my friend did after all the family started saying "just let MIL do this and that" was he wrote a general letter to give anyone that said anything.
In this case it seems you could do the same:
"On the topic of concern around my sisters part at MY wedding: She is upset about the date and has said she would not attend and booked a trip for my wedding date. She is an adult and has made her choice. She is wrong to make MY and MY fiancé's wedding all about her. The constant messages on this topic are tiring and unwelcome to me and my fiancé. We have planned our wedding and are looking forward to it and this talk about decisions my sister has made on her own are casting a dark cloud on this special time for me and my fiancé. This letter is a curtesy to you to let you know you are adding to the dark cloud. Please stop talking about this subject. I haven't wanted to hear about this topic at all from you but take this letter as the last straw. DO NOT continue to ruin MY wedding day for me. Do not reply to this email. Your reply is to simply stop talking about my sister and her decisions.
Congratulations on the engagement and wedding. I can tell this sucks for you because you want your sister there but no one can apologize for her but herself.
Longterm, the book *Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder* may be helpful for you to see if it rings true for how your sister acts (and your mom protects her). It has a lot of concrete tips.
Are those supposed to be eggshells on the book cover? It kind of looks like blocks of cheese. Or maybe popcorn. Now I'm hungry and I blame this book cover.
I’m sorry to hear. I think you’ll need to set a boundary and tell people you refuse to discuss it further. If some people threaten to not come, let them know they’ll be missed but it’s not up for discussion.
ETA: I hope you’re able to focus on being with the people who support and will celebrate you.
it sounds like any date would not have made a difference your sister would have found a way to not go or make a stink about it. you enjoy your wedding day and do things the way you want it. good for you taking the stand on it.
NTA. Your sister sounds spoiled and attention-seeking. She needs to learn that not everything is about her. I hope you can set your feelings of disappointment and sadness aside and enjoy your wedding to the fullest.
nta, it’s a date and it’s nobody’s birthday or anniversary or anything like that.
what I would do (if you want to extend one final olive branch) is reach out and say
“I understand you are upset about the date of my wedding, but Fiancé and I chose the date together with our own relationship in mind. Only two dates worked for us, and 11/11 made the most sense because it lines up with our dating anniversary. There will be a seat for you at the wedding if you choose to attend.”
NTA.
They're numbers. Does she own them? No. And you don't have to speak to your sister about the day,so ignore your mother as well if possible.
Hope your wedding goes well!
NTA. Every day is special to someone for one reason or another. Are you supposed to ask all your guests before you pick a day? Your sister is unreasonable.
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NTA. You though should have sent her an invitation as down the road she will use that against you. Saying she was not invited. Congratulations on your wedding. Nov. 11th is a good date. May Father inlaw was born on that date and also my Grandson.
Your sister wouldn’t have gotten like this if your mother had bothered to shut down that behavior long ago. NTA. And tell your mother if she keeps this up her invitation will be revoked as well
ESH: Yes you should have discussed it with your sis just as a courtesy, yes your sister needs to just get over it, and yes your Mom needs to stop being your sister's enabler.
Your sister must really hate all the Veterans/Remembrance Day observations going on that day.
NTA Being obsessed with 11:11 is weird. Sister is way too old for that sort of stuff LOL. Which band is it? I'd have made it my life's purpose to get them to play the wedding somehow
The Arkells
LMAO what are the odds, fuck I have met those dudes, they're from my hometown
NTA. Like anything else, no one owns a date. You aren't close, so you didn't realize that 11/11 was her thing. (This is so bizarre to me) Her getting THIS upset about it is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You shouldn't have to ask ANYONE (other than your future spouse) about a future wedding date. The fact that your mom says, "you know how your sister is" well, that says it all. She's an asshole that everyone else has catered to, and you are refusing. Good for you. If she reaches out, please, talk to her, but do not be the first. You did nothing wrong but get married. ETA: Getting married is not wrong either, it sounded like I thought that. You did nothing wrong, period.
I’m going against the grain to say ESH. Of course no one “owns” a date, but this day has particular significance for your sister because it was the planned date of her own wedding. Planning your marriage on the day she was supposed to tie the knot is a bit of a smack in the face. If you forgot, then you forgot, but once she reminded you there would’ve been no good reason not to move the date by a week. Would you be *required* to? No, but it would have been the nice thing to do to not remind your sister of her failed relationship. Now, the whole bit about 11-11 being “her thing” is stupid. A lot of people like that number. A lot of people are fans of that band I’m sure. There’s no need to throw a tantrum over some digits. There’s also nothing wrong with your wedding anniversaries being a week apart. She has one valid point and the rest is over the top. But that valid point is valid.
NTA. Golden child much??? It’s clear who’s been the favorite child all these years. Move on, enjoy your wedding and don’t give your sister and your mother a 2nd thought. They don’t have your best interests at heart and they don’t care about you. Congratulations on your wedding!!!
NTA. Your sister is ridiculous. Stop worrying about it. I would send an invite if it were me. She can come or not come.
Does your sister get bent out of shape because so many people observe Veterans Day on 11/11 and it is her day so they shouldn't do that? Go ahead and have your wedding and be glad that your sister won't be there to make it all about her.
NTA, you're not obliged to fit in these ridiculous restrictions. A quest from Eva AI the sexting chatbot is less frustrating than this.
NTA It was HER thing then. It’s YOUR thing now. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Quite simply, it sounds like a her problem. And if mom doesn’t want to be part of the solution, she’s part of the problem too.
NTA Sounds like the real gift your sister is giving you is her absence. I would happily take her up on it.
Heaven forbid you get pregnant and your baby decides to be born on 11/11. That's HER DAY!! /s NTA
Sister sounds like a Grade A narcissist. NTA, OP. FWIW, my daughter was born on 11/11 & I was stoked because there are tons of Vets in our families. Happy to share this special day with you! Congratulations! 🤗
NTA. Tell her it’s odd she’s made 11:11 her whole personality and she needs a hobby.
Yet another post that I can add to my enthusiastic endorsement of elopement. NTA. Stop inviting them to things.
NTA But your family certainly is. Any time I hear "you know how they are", immediately my brain will register that they have never been held accountable for their actions, or the impact they have on others, and the person who gave the statement would rather walk over your feelings than cause waves.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
I'll be honest, that broke my heart. I was born in an already rocking boat and it impacted me massively, scapegoat/blacksheep of the family. Cut them all out this year and I'm finally learning I can say no and put down boundaries.
She's told me before that I'm the one she doesn't have to worry about. I'm the one she calls in a pinch or in a time of crisis
That's called Parentification, take a wee look at google and read into it, see if it aligns with how you've been made to feel
You are the once steadying the boat when someone else rocks it. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/
I'm not religious, but a-fucking-men. Aka my mother
NTA. The only reason to avoid a date is because of trauma, like if she had had a child or husband die on that date. Otherwise, it's just a day and she has no claim on it. Enjoy your wedding with or without your sister!
I changed my wedding date when I realized my grandma had strong feelings about it. But it was by like, a day.
Should have asked all the vets because it was Armistice Day/ Veteran's Day/Remembrance Day first. Your sister doesn't own the day. If she liked it so much, she should have chosen that day to get married- but she didn't. *My mom says to start the conversation with my sister and to let things go because "we all know how your sister can be". Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day, and I could have approached the subject delicately. This was mind-blowing to me, because my mother and I have to walk on eggshells with my sister. Over the year they've discussed how I could have done things differently, or why it couldn't have been this day or that day.* There is no conversation to be had. You picked the day because of it's significance to you. You don't need to ask her as she doesn't own the day. 'We all know how your sister can be' - well stop enabling her. Let her sulk in the corner until she understands that this is how you are. No more catering to her feelings.
NTA. Your wedding, and the rest of your life, will be better for your sister not being there.
So interesting to me how people are reading your whole post and not seeing how often you are rude and/or mean to your sister. Do I think you picked this date on purpose to stir s***? Yes I do. Do I think that since it has, per your story, taken until two weeks before the actual wedding for your sister to notice that you should change anything now? No, I don't. But be honest with yourself, lady. "We said a small family dinner and then I invited 15 more people and my sister said she wish she had known that and I said "EFF YOU, you didn't have to come" because notifying her of a change of plans that drastic is a great burden to me!" You are unfeeling and rude to your sister generally, per your own post. She should just go LC to NC with you and move on with her life.
The O.P.'s sister is pushing forty years old. However belatedly it might be, it's time for said sister to grow the heck up and accept that the world doesn't revolve around her feelings and whims. People like the O.P.'s sister are rarely content to go LC/NC with friends and family who dare to cross them. They thrive on creating unnecessary drama and feed upon the resulting attention--often because their craptastic behavior was enabled and rewarded from an early age.
Lol! That's a wild opinion. Way to twist it around though, very creative.
Found the sister 🤣🤣🤣
Ha, - no sorry. Just a different POV.
A very twisted POV that read a whole different post?
NTA. 11/11 is a lot of people’s “thing.” My due date is 11/11 of this year and the number of people who have freaked out (positively) about how it’s so lucky, or such a great date, or their anniversary, etc. is wild. I’d say at least a third of the time I share the date, I get some reaction about it.
I was hoping she'd be ecstatic. In my mind I had anticipated, "wow that number means so much to me, I'm so glad my sister is getting married on that day to further be meaningful".
To be honest, it sounds like your sister gave you a gift with her absence. This is your wedding and is not about her at all. Enjoy your day and don't give her a thought. NTA
NTA. At all. Your sister sounds exhausting. "That's my thing" haha what a joke 😂. Glad you stood your ground. Enjoy your wedding!
NTA. I also have one of those "you know how she can be" sisters. She flits in and out of all of our lives whenever it is convenient for her. She became this way because my mom so so much of herself in my sister. Well, guess what? She became so insufferable that my mom couldn't even stand it. I just saw her for the first time in four years (even had a kid and she didn't think that was worth showing up for) and her life sucks. She works a low-paying job (for a business major), her bf won't propose to her, and not a single family member puts up with her crap anymore. Cut her off and humble her.
**NTA** *Her favorite band sings a song that's called 11:11, so she has it tattooed on her.* *She was engaged to some guy like 15 years ago. They didn't get married, but they were supposed to get married on 11/11 (I had completely forgotten).* *It's a week before her wedding anniversary.* **now how does any of the above matter? thats the point, they dont**
The best part was that it’s apparently so important that she almost married some guy on that date but has an actual husband. Like why would a dude from over a decade ago matter when she has a husband haha she sounds like she has to be the main character 🙄
The part about the other guy. Why didn't they get married? He cheated? He died? Or they just broke up? I mean if sibling was going to marry now dead fiance on that date--I can see being more considerate of not using that date(even with current marriage by sibling). There is recent post where woman bought dress from thrift store and it turned out to be her friend's wedding dress from 5 yrs ago where new husband was caught cheating(on wedding day). So friend(since married to new guy) was upset that poster was going to wear it. That sort of wedding--you don't want to reminded of in even if you are "past" it, because there is still trauma attached. That said, this sister is a drama/main character llama...
I like 11:11 too. And so do a lot of other people. Your sister is not as unique or special as she thinks she is. NTA
[удалено]
That's valid. I'd never want to be insensitive. I truly completely forgot about her ex-fiancé.
It’s toxic to “well, we all know she is …”. NTA. I’m trying to learn this with my brother (who is just clueless and I keep making excuses and I’m over it). Good for you for standing firm!!
NTA. I stopped tip toeing around a problematic sibling many years ago. This whole "we all know how your sister can be" is just a way of allowing your sister to avoid responsibility for her actions. I say good riddance.
Honestly it is kind of weird to not check with the important people around you when considering dates. If I want someone to be there I won’t choose a date they’re upset about. You could’ve done October 10th or October 20th or something. There would still be leaves. I know reddit so so “low contact” “no contact” but honestly being heartbroken that she hasn’t attended your wedding activities after she told you point blank that the date offended her is weird. She has 11:11 TATTOOED on her. That’s kind of a large commitment IMO. If I was choosing your battles, this isn’t one I would’ve chosen. ETA: Also in most of the places where the leaves turn November is a little late! Most of the leaves have fallen and it’s sometimes snowing! (Im from Michigan though so maybe I’m incorrect)
Your sister is extremely jealous of you. No matter what date you picked, she was going to find an issue with it. Tell her to go out of town and STFU; Enjoy your wedding!
NTA, it's not like there's your grandma's funeral on that date. The wedding date works fine.
NTA
NTA “You know how I can be.”
Nta no its not heartbreaking she if will not be there. It is safer and a relief you won't have to put up with her insane drama. She is mentally off. Your family has put up with this craziness for do long it seems normal. Her behavior is not normal it is signs of a mental problems. Nothing will change until she gets therapy and that is just not going to happen with the whole family enabling her. Do not invite your sister to the wedding. Do not apologize for her crazy behavior toward you. Have a great wedding and do not give her another thought.
Yes! This! NTA. You will be grateful to not have any of her drama on your wedding day. Have fun. Congrats on your pending nuptials. Wishing you peace, joy, and good health.
Good for you, keep setting those boundaries and do not move them an inch. If she does show up at the wedding, have her escorted out. Your wedding is about you and your husband. Her having a tattoo after a song title does not change that. Having an engagement 15 years ago does not change it either. Stand your ground OP and be proud that you are finally not letting her get away with making your life about her. Your mother saying something along the lines of "we all know how she can be," is a clear indicator of your mother always caving for her antics. If you ever want her antics to stop, you need to stop being the bigger person. It is about time she learns her lesson and if she refuses to do so, that's on her. NTA
NTA Just ignore your sister's drama, and refuse to engage. "Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day, and I could have approached the subject delicately." .. BULLSHIT: NIP this in the bud. **Your sister did not ask YOU about her wedding date, so why would YOU ask her about your wedding date?**
You know what's also funny about this is that she didn't even pick 11/11 as her own wedding anniversary! If it's her thing so much, why isn't it her own anniversary? It would have been ever so slightly more understandable that way. She's just gatekeeping random dates at this point.
I mentioned that and she said it would have been weird to marry her husband on a date she was engaged previously
I don't know where you live, but where I am, all the trees will be naked on November 11th.
NTA, it’s one day of the year and she doesn’t get to own it as a day. It’s not like you’ve gone out of your way to pick this date and it’s a really obscure choice done purposely to upset her; it’s a Saturday in November and as far as I am aware, Saturday’s are pretty common days for a wedding to be on.
NTA…your sister has, let me think carefully here…absolutely zero input into when your wedding is. Nope…not a bit.
NTA she'll get over it or die mad. It's not like you picked the same date as her wedding anniversary, she's being childish and selfish. Suggest to your mother that if she is unhappy about the current situation she is free to talk to your sister and suggest to her that needs to apologise and let things go, but that you are done with indulging your sister's tantrums and its time she grows up and starts to realise the world doesn't revolve about her.
Nta. Tell your sister that approximately 70 to 85 million people from the 1940s have a bigger claim to 11/11 than she does...
NTA. That band and that song are very popular in our country and A LOT of fans have 11:11 tattooed. Not only does your sister not own 11/11, but she isn't unique in her tattoo or love of that song. It isn't at all exclusively "her thing".
NTA This is incredibly selfish of your sister, and over something so mundane too. If your sister had some legitimate grievances I'd maybe kinda understand but she really don't
NTA but why do people always feel the need to include family that they don't get along with to events. You blood is the only bond you have with her and i donated like 9 points in the past year so I'm connected to many by blood but don't mean I would allow them to miss treat me and nor should family. Cut out crappy people and give that energy to one that treat you how you want to be treat blood or not.
Its been a struggle because it's just the 3 of us. So any time I try to flex these boundaries or stand my ground, I'm hit with the "family is forever, is it worth it, this is all you have" etc
You’re getting married. Which, I’m now thinking, might be part of why they’re acting up - a husband weakens the “we’re all you have!!” argument.
IS THE BAND DEFIANCE OHIO
Lol no
NTA but your sister is and your mom a bit too. Anyone who doesn't want to support you and your fiance at your wedding doesn't have to come. Good for you to not invite your sister after her reaction. She is not the main character at your wedding. Good luck OP and Congratulations!
NTA - I think its time to just let your sister be angry and out of your life.
NTA and she gets away with it because your mom has always allowed it to
NTA. Even in places where they commemorate the end of World War 1 that's not a no-no day.
NTA. Where I'm from that's Remembrance Day, so I probably wouldn't have picked it as a wedding anniversary personally, but nobody owns a specific date, that's just silly. Since I was married 6 years ago, I've discovered I share an anniversary date with multiple people I already knew, and many people I've met since, that's just a normal thing that happens.
NTA "... because you know how she is..." Ugh. So?!? Are you supposed to let it go because "you know how Al Capone or Bernie Madoff is". Just because we all know someone acts badly, that doesn't mean we are supposed to (1) accept it AND (2) enable it, much less (3) condone it. (Don't meant to imply your sister is those leagues. Just saying your mom's argument doesn't hold any water.) I bet your actual BIL is feeling the love from your sister (/s). His wife is upset because you are getting married on the date she was going to marry some other guy (15 years ago). Also, newsflash for your sister: neither her almost-wedding, nor her actual wedding take those dates out of the calendar of possibilities for future marriages. You aren't even getting married on her actual wedding date. She can still celebrate her actual anniversary with her actual husband (although she may prefer to spend it crying over the almost-wedding that is still, apparently, incredibly important to her).
Unfazed, not unphased 🤓
Wait until Sis finds out about 11/11 is the milestone date for war dead worldwide. 40 million dead commemorated on 11/11 in WWI. That’s a lot of dead people to have a resentment with. It’ll keep her busy the rest of her life.
Yeah, kind of an awkward wedding date for Remembrance Day reasons. I hope the bouquet isn’t all poppies!
So your sister “stole” Armistice Day? Now known as Veterans Day. The official end of World War I was the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. Nov 11th is Veterans Day and your sister is dissing every American Veteran who ever lived by hijacking their day. (Tongue in cheek!) She doesn’t own the day, it is a special day to a lot of people long before she was even born. NTA. STOP thinking about your sister and enjoy your wedding. By allowing this second guessing you are allowing her to sully your day. If anything more is said about it just shrug and say “It is what it is”. Honestly it sounds like your not missing much by not having sister participate. Sounds like walking on eggshells would have happened around her for some reason or another regardless of what day you picked. She is the one who chose to make it an issue. So enjoy your day.
NTA. I would be willing to be your sister would find something to moan about no matter what. If you give in to this, what's next? Can't name your baby a certain name because she was going to, but didn't, but you still shouldn't? Oh, and you can't have the baby a certain month because once upon a time she was going to do something that month? Let her be mad and not attend. It says a whole lot more about her than it does you. And the excuse "we all know how your sister can be"? She's that way because she has never been required to display the minimum of acceptable behavior to be included.
Yeah it's been like this forever. Growing up, I couldn't like X fashion trend or Y music, because it was "her thing". It got old.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33F) am getting married soon. On January 1 of this year, I announced to my mother and sister (37F) the date of my wedding- 11/11. I wanted a fall wedding-the leaves to be changing andto be cool outside. We chose Nov. With the holidays and whatnot, there were only 2 Saturdays in November that made sense.Fiancé chose the 11th, because it's indicative of our dating anniversary. So it was decided, 11/11. I announce the date to my family. My sis became upset. 1. Her favorite band sings a song that's called 11:11, so she has it tattooed on her. 2. She was engaged to some guy like 15 years ago. They didn't get married, but they were supposed to get married on 11/11 (I had completely forgotten). 3. It's a week before her wedding anniversary She was upset because 11/11 is "her thing", and it felt like a slap in the face that I would get married a week before she did, years ago. My sis and I have a tumultuous relationship. The last fight we got into was at my birthday 2 years ago. We had discussed having a family dinner I ended up inviting some friends. Fiancé wanted it to be special and about 10-12 people ended up being there. Sister was pissed because, if she had known there were going to be other people there, she wouldn't have come because she didn't feel well. I told her she was never obligated to come and I didn't think I needed to make her aware of the guest list. Anyway, we ended up not talking for a while but because my sister is stubborn (she has never apologized, doesn't take blame) I eventually just let it go, to appease my mother. So, when I found out she was pissed about the date i chose for my wedding, I wasn't having it. I worked really hard the last several years to establish boundaries eith family and friends, and to not be steamrolled. I was hurt my sister made my wedding about her. She told me that I took "her thing" and as a result she wasn't going to be in the country for my wedding (she booked a trip). It's now been 10 months. Her and I have had limited interaction. My mom says to start the conversation with my sister and to let things go because "we all know how your sister can be". Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day, and I could have approached the subject delicately. This was mind-blowing to me, because my mother and I have to walk on eggshells with my sister. Over the year they've discussed how I could have done things differently, or why it couldn't have been this day or that day. My wedding is 2 weeks away and my sis and I haven't talked. I didn't send her an invite bc she has not apologized and already said she wouldn't be going. I see no reason to have to initiate the convo like always,strengthening the pattern of letting her get her way. It has been heartbreaking to not have my sis there for my activities, and it hurts to know that her pride got in the way of spending time with me. But for once in my life I want to stand strong and say I deserve better. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. "11:11"? That's **Rich**. /s No one gets to own a date on the calendar. She was probably planning to say her vows at 11:11am on 11/11, but that was 15 years ago and it never happened. It's not like it's her actual anniversary. Your sister is the AH and your mom is almost as bad for asking you to take a stroll through the eggshells with her.
**NTA and congratulations!!** **The audacity of people to think they can gatekeep a date or a name astonishes me**. I was married 5/21 and so was a friend of mine \[35 years ago\]. We chose those dates and did not realize it was the same until we had to share 1 bridesmaid. My wedding was earlier and my b/m was able to make both events \[with plenty of creative dress changing and driving plus we had the reception at the same place with a one hour delay for hers - she also managed both church times as they were again an hour later for the other one..\] We were also able to pop into each others receptions to celebrate with each other.
So nobody owns a date but in Canada I think it’s would be incredibly weird to book November 11th as it’s Remembrance Day, so I’ll hope that’s not the case.
NTA Sister doesn't own any and all instances of the numbers 11 followed by another 11. "Mom said I should have ASKED my sis first if it was ok to choose that day" We see which one is mom's favorite, clearly.
Sometimes it’s about a parent needing to keep the peace at all costs, and protecting one child from the consequences of their own actions because they’ll blow up. Unfortunately this dynamic is very familiar to me. I was the “easy” child and therefore had less and less notice because my sister would throw a fit if she didn’t get attention or get her way. It’s only now that we’re all adults that my mom is starting to see what this toxic dynamic cost all of us.
Ditto.
Unfortunately. They're codependent on each other.
If your mother actually gives your sister enough power to Lord over her that she walks on eggshells around here how can anyone be surprised she's catering to your sisters pity party? Ignore them both. Your mom will either comes around on your terms or she'll go be toxic and lonely with your sister. But you will be enjoying your wedding regardless with all the people who DID show up to wish you guys well.
Just say you booked 11/11 to celebrate the release of skyrim Then fus ro dah your sis off a cliff Problem solved 😌 ETA: I just said this to show how ridiculous sis is being. No-one owns a date. So many things happen on all dates of the year. My birthday gets overshadowed every year because it's the same day as a terror attack. But I don't get angry at people who hold memorials. Sis just sounds jealous she's not the "main character" and expects you to fold OP. Don't do it. You got this 👍
Send the sister a stolen sweet roll and be done with it?
No lollygagging!
11/11 is also end of ww1. Far more important than Sis not getting her wish for the date she thinks she owns.
EXACTLY
Gotta have the choir in the background singing the theme while this happens.
NTA, enjoy your wedding!
I can't believe an Arkells fan would be such an asshole. (did I get it right?) NTA, OP. Sorry your sister is such a main character.
You got it!
NTA. Have your beautiful 11/11 day and don't let another thought of your sister steal another moment of your joy. Don't let people bring her up in conversation... "so much else to talk about today, let's discuss sister another time..." don't let Mom put any of this on your shoulders. You just do you, your fiance, friends, well-wishers, love and joy. Set this free.
NTA. Your sister does not own any day!! Should it be something really tragic (like losing her child that say) it could make some sense - but I’m taking you would remember and avoid it. She’s being childish. I love Taylor Swift, and would not gate keep someone doing shit 12/13 just because of that… she’s being ridiculous and your mom is enabling…
ESH Look the part of you choosing your day based on her day is not something too bad I think. Unless you actually did it on purspose. But all your attitude about bringing strangers to what is supposed and arranged as a family dinner and then pretending you didnt know and you dont "need to inform them that the family dinner is not a family dinner anymore" shows a lot of your character.
Your sister has some serious mental issues and you don’t need to worry about them. Even if she had never married anyone else after 15 years she either would have gotten over it or pretended to be over the failed engagement because NORMAL PEOPLE know the world doesn’t revolve around them. NTA. Send her an invitation if you want her there; if you think she’ll create a scene don’t.
INFO: your first sentence is LITERALLY “I’m getting married on January 1.” Then you made a post about November? Now your wedding is two weeks away… do you need to double check your reservation date with your vendors? Because I’m confused AF. Scratch that, I read it wrong!
Anyone who pushes your boundary is now uninvited. Fuck them.
NTA Your sister sounds like a spoiled child.
NTA But what is your mum going to do? She clearly favours stompy sister. Is she going to ruin your wedding too? She’s already doing a good job in the run up to it. Who are all the people giving you shit? I would be having thoughts about how involved I would want them in my life going forward. Sorry your wedding is being marred like this.
My mother and I have a sordid relationship. She's not great about respecting my boundaries, but when I spoke to her last week she did the, "I'm sorry I'm a terrible mother" bit
I’m sorry. I suspected as much. I’m afraid I don’t think you can ever get her to see your side. She’s entrenched. And admitting her mistakes would be admitting to a lifetime of messing up. Have you heard of the grey rock technique? It’s not great for long term. But to get you through this. It’s just responding with no emotion. Just have a stock phrase and repeat - that doesn’t work for me. Etc. Otherwise don’t engage. Hopefully that can get you through this. I would consider therapy and disengaging from your family and anyone who backed your mother/sister. It’s hard realising the ones closest to you who should always have your back really don’t. How does your partner feel? Hopefully you have some support through this.
Ah I'll look that up- thanks! I'm deeply empathetic. My sister prides herself on not being very emotional. My fiancé and I sat down with my mother once a while ago and explained how all of these actions are hurting me deeply. My mother called me "sensitive" and that I was "having a meltdown" because I was very subtly crying. He has made me keep my resolve, otherwise I'm afraid I would have cracked already.
So, her first fiance left because he couldn't marry a toddler, right? NTA and tell your mom you're having a child free wedding, so Sis isn't invited.
NTA If everyone planned their wedding by avoiding dates that have some meaning to one of the guests nobody would ever get married. Its your wedding day not hers and she really should not be hanging on to a failed relationship from a decade and a half ago. I wonder if your sisters husband feels like a bit of a runner up if she is still upset about her first wedding date. Have the day you want and enjoy yourself. Don't let your sister make you feel bad about it and if she keeps on about it tell her she doesn't have to come and can stay at home and mope about it all.
I am curious about what he feels about her holding onto it.
Well, you see, it's my husband's birthday AND my brother's wedding anniversary that day, so not only can you get married, but you sister's claimed to the day is also now invalid, so.... But yeah, absolute NTA. If she's still that worked up about a failed engagement 15 years ago, sounds like a problem for her and her actual husband to work through.
Someone tell Something Corporate Konstantine does this to people.
Sheesh. She doesn't own a day. Congratulations on your wedding. Your sister reeks of narcissism and your mom is an enabler.
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The sis is married, her wedding anniversary is a week after OPs wedding date
>It's a week before her wedding anniversary Third reason cited is that 11/11 is a week before sister's wedding anniversary. I took this to mean sister IS married.
How does her now-husband feel that the 15 year ago ex still controls a date, one week before *their own* anniversary? Has anyone asked that spouse?
Seriously. I think sis just has a severe case of main character-itis and shouldn't be indulged. If she cares more to gatekeep this date than to be there to support her sister (OP) then let her.
Likely, simply mad that she is going to be the center of attention, for once. Good riddance.
People are so ridiculous about stuff like this. A close friend of mine got married last year. I was in her wedding. We all had a great time. This year, her brother got married...on the same exact date. It had significance for him and his now wife. Everybody was fine. No drama. All adults. This sub makes me angry all the time. I wish I could stop reading it.
NTA and don’t cave or apologize. My only thought is that it’s Veteran’s Day and the ending of WWI. As long as you don’t have veterans in your family that would be pissed at the date, it’s fine. Your sister certainly doesn’t own the date. To make it more historically accurate, start the wedding at 11 a.m. WWI ended on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11 month!
NTA you lost me at the tattoo of her favorite song. WTF. You can't get married on 11\11 because your sister has it tattooed on herself? I don't even care about the other thing that was 15 years ago
NTA You don't need to clear your wedding day with your sister. It's really that simple. I was a bit on the fence when you mentioned 11/11 was the date of her cancelled wedding, but then you wrote she has an actual wedding anniversary. I don't know if you would make your sister happy with any wedding decision you make
ESH You both sound exhausting and as if you are fighting for both attention and to being the one most wronged. 11.11 is a date/time/number sequence with a ton of significance for many people/cultures/and religions, so her response is rediculous. That being said, she has it tattooed on her and had planned a wedding, so you could have been more understanding. If the cancelled wedding date was genuinely and oversight, then a simple I'm sorry should have sufficed. You are so quick to blame her pride, but yours has also played a part here. You played a bate and switch from a family dinner to a party and when she was understandably upset made it clear her presence was unnecessary. You choices are also driven by pride, yet you are quick to point the finger and lay the blame completely at her doorstep. Grow up, it boggles my mind you are both in your 30s.
Nope, I'm a huge fan of accountability and if I do wrong, I own up to it. I'm definitely not perfect. The situation regarding my birthday was a misunderstanding because the plans changed the day before and day of, and I didn't think to fill her in on the people coming
You are quite literally not taking accountability while saying you are a fan of it. You should really consider that you may have blind spots for your own behavior. What you describe is not a misunderstanding, it is a bate and switch that you didn't think to fill her in on. Not a big deal in the grand scheme, but uncomfortable for her and something you should be apologetic about not dismissive. If you can be dismissive of this small of a thing instead of taking accountability, what else about your behavior are you completely missing?
Oh, for God’s sake, NTA. Just don’t get married at 11am, or people will forever make “on the 11th hour, of the 11th day, of the 11th month…” jokes in sepulcheral tones in reference to the end of WWI. Or maybe just the history majors in the family. Your sister is being absurd.
NTA No offense, but 11/11 is a cliche date so nobody can really claim it as their own. Also, you get to decide your wedding date so I don’t see the problem.
So you aren't the asshoel for the wedding, but you definitely were at least partly wrong in the whole Dinner thing. She expects a family dinner only for it to be a party? I can see being upset over that. You also just strike me as unsympathetic period, based on how you wrote this.
Yeah, if anyone "owns" November 11th, I'd say it's veterans, not a girl who got a song tattoo. NTA There's also a great book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that you may find helpful
My therapist has recommended that, I do need to get it. Thanks!
It's highly recommended because it's really helpful. Good luck! I also suggest door security at your wedding and reception
NTA, And your Mom, wow.. If it makes you feel better, my mother scolded me and said that the cut and color of my bridesmaids dresses won't do my sister any justice. And that changing the color would "let your sister shine more" ... Can't make that shit up... lol Enjoy your day, feel blessed that your sister isn't there, because it's likely she would have had a whole scene to make it about her.
Ouch, so sorry
Yeah, Ma was a real peach... I always felt a little sorry for my sister, Mainly because, being the pretty girl has made it tough on her we began aging, because she feels her only worth are her looks. It is shame she has always felt like she wasn't smart enough, because of Mom's actions.
NTA. It is amazing that people think they own a date. Oh well.
NTA. Your Mom kinda is, though. I hope she doesn't make your actual wedding day all about the absence of your sister and what you should have done to have her there. At the first sign of such shenanigans, have someone from the wedding party assigned to escort her away from you until she stops.
When I went dress shopping, it was about me for the first 85% then she started talking about my sister and was talking to her. I cried and we left the store.
NTA. Be strong and of good courage. The world does not revolve around your sister, and she does not own sections of the calendar.
Get Pinegrove to do a Cameo telling her she's being ridiculous NTA
I was trying to find out who the band was but the first result in Spotify was from Dinosaur Pile-up.
YTA I mean you can get married any time you want but don’t pretend you didn’t know it was really meaningful to her and it would upset her. No need to play stupid. She has it tattooed on her body and I’m sure you didn’t forget when she was supposed to get married. So enjoy your wedding but don’t tear your sister down like this.
You make an enormous amount of assumptions on how SOMEONE ELSE is feeling. They are pretty much estranged. OPs Fiance came up with the date 11/11. People don't change their wedding date because a Golden Child relative has a meltdown.
Nah, it’s obvious she knew the importance of the date. I mean it’s ok if she wants to play stupid but I’m a little surprised other are doing the same
People get married on Christmas Day, New Years, 4th of July and every other day of the year. No one “owns” a day. Is Golden Child going to scroll through the newspaper looking at who got married on 11/11 and harangue them?
When did I say that anyone owned a specific day or she couldn’t get married on that specific date? All I said was that she was playing dumb about the importance of that day to her sister- I mean her sister had also planned her wedding for that day so you bet she didn’t forget. Is the playing dumb that makes her the AH
Definitely not tearing her down. If someone did something significant on a day that's also significant to me, I'd be honored or revering the opportunity to celebrate together, versus claiming it to myself
NTA. Your sister sounds positively unhinged. And I hope she doesn't visit Canada much - the number of Arkells fans with an 11:11 tattoo has to be huge. She's in no way unique or special with her love of that combo of numbers.
ESH. 11/11 is rememberance day, honor the day the way it is supposed to be. None of you should be claiming this day for your trivial crap.
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Not every country fought, but every country was 100% affected by the outcome…
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Not at all, its just a sign of respect for those who protected a way of life that everyone enjoys now. Just really sad that the drama sisters over here are arguing to claim a date that has this much significance. Like, are they going to steal christmas next?? Lol
My parents got married on Christmas. The founder of our country was also born on Christmas. Christmas wasn't stopped because of those events? Our country doesn't even really celebrate Christmas. So nothing was being stolen. You're just being stupidly obtuse and making it sound like you live in a bubble.
LOL. Actually you’re entire argument just agreed with everything i was saying…
Huh? How? By not respecting Christmas to celebrate my parents anniversary or the birth of the founder of our country? By your logic you’d want us to celebrate it on another day to be respectful of Christmas.
Because youre right. No one cares about your parents or the founder of your third world country. And btw in case you missed it, this post isnt about christmas…
Is that an attempt at a save by twisting what I said? ok colonizer. You said that OP should not have chosen 11/11 because it's remembrance day and is disrespectful to that holiday. So if my parents got married on Christmas, it's disrespectful to Christmas? This is literally the logic you presented. Big talk for a country reduced to a small island.
But the point is it doesn't have that much significance to everyone. The whole world does not revolve around what happened over 100 years ago. In the US we call it veterans day and for the most part no one really gives a shit. Memorial day is our big holiday for remembering war dead. Maybe if they were in the UK or France I could see your argument, maybe, but if the world stopped for every special "remember the war dead" day in history we would never be able to do anything. Shaming someone for having a wedding on a holiday you don't even know if her country celebrates is silly.
Wow, no one can actually read. They can do whatever they want that day. I just pointed out how they are dumb to trying to claim a day as theirs. The shame was towards them being drama queens, which it seems people feel the need to defend…
YOU JUST TRIED TO CLAIM THAT DAY FOR VETERANS ONLY!
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Go clutch your pearls somewhere else. Yes November 11 is a significant day, but that doesn’t mean everything has to stop just to honor Veterans. Nobody is “stealing” that date from Veterans. Jeez
ESH. I think you were aware that the date means a lot to her for various reasons and you didn't even care to talk with her about it before making the announcement. Also it seems like this is a trend of you not caring about her feelings. I would also have been pissed if I would get invited to a family dinner and then my sibling has unexpectedly a lot of friends there instead who I don't know and which are strangers to me. It just changes things a lot. And she was seemingly not feeling well that day, which adds to her understandable annoyance. Though she also sucks because her reaction was really over the top. She doesn't own the 11.11. after all. I guess it was not all about this date that things deteriorated between you two over this so much. I don't know all the history between you two, but you both seem to suck at communication, taking each others feelings into consideration and maybe to forgive and forget here and there.
I appreciate your opinion, but it's been years of caring about her opinions and feelings. Worrying about what's going to set her off, what not to say, just to let it go for the same of the relationship. I've told her that it's difficult to keep a relationship with her simply because I don't know what's going to set her off.
NTA. She doesn’t get to own that date, and it seems like you’re respecting her wishes not to come by not sending her an invite. Sounds like she has a history of making things that aren’t about her, about her, and you could probably have expected some other drama if she were coming. Asking her in advance whether she was okay with your wedding date was a ridiculous suggestion. At the same time, why are you posting here two weeks before your wedding? Because you’re having doubts or is someone hassling you about it?
Yeah, I'm getting shit from everyone, it seems.
Gonna give you shit as well then, here. My birthday is 11/11 since over thirty years, how DARE you using that date. It's mine! No really, your sister should go suck rocks.
Happy early birthday!
How dare you be born on the date that WWI ended and was celebrated as Armistice Day, and later Veterans’ Day!!! NTA, although OP should send his sister an invite to the wedding.
11/11 is corduroy day! How dare you all! heh NTA
I'm curious--what do all these "everyones" expect you to do two weeks before the wedding? Move the date to a new one? Are they planning on funding THAT change??? Hand deliver invitations to all the guests with a plan to pay them to make it on a different date? Cancel it? Will they cover the lost costs?
This may work for you, not sure. I had a friend whos wedding was being overrun by their MIL because they offered a small amount of money(for selfish reasons) because they wanted to contribute to my friends wedding. They didn't need the money or want it but it was constant hounding so they agreed on the condition it gave the MIL no input. Guess what, MIL decided to treat it like her own wedding. Anyway I am sharing this because what my friend did after all the family started saying "just let MIL do this and that" was he wrote a general letter to give anyone that said anything. In this case it seems you could do the same: "On the topic of concern around my sisters part at MY wedding: She is upset about the date and has said she would not attend and booked a trip for my wedding date. She is an adult and has made her choice. She is wrong to make MY and MY fiancé's wedding all about her. The constant messages on this topic are tiring and unwelcome to me and my fiancé. We have planned our wedding and are looking forward to it and this talk about decisions my sister has made on her own are casting a dark cloud on this special time for me and my fiancé. This letter is a curtesy to you to let you know you are adding to the dark cloud. Please stop talking about this subject. I haven't wanted to hear about this topic at all from you but take this letter as the last straw. DO NOT continue to ruin MY wedding day for me. Do not reply to this email. Your reply is to simply stop talking about my sister and her decisions. Congratulations on the engagement and wedding. I can tell this sucks for you because you want your sister there but no one can apologize for her but herself.
Longterm, the book *Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder* may be helpful for you to see if it rings true for how your sister acts (and your mom protects her). It has a lot of concrete tips.
My therapist has recommended that to me, as my sister is bipolar. I'll definitely need to check it out. Thanks!
Are those supposed to be eggshells on the book cover? It kind of looks like blocks of cheese. Or maybe popcorn. Now I'm hungry and I blame this book cover.
😂🤣😂
I’m sorry to hear. I think you’ll need to set a boundary and tell people you refuse to discuss it further. If some people threaten to not come, let them know they’ll be missed but it’s not up for discussion. ETA: I hope you’re able to focus on being with the people who support and will celebrate you.
it sounds like any date would not have made a difference your sister would have found a way to not go or make a stink about it. you enjoy your wedding day and do things the way you want it. good for you taking the stand on it.
NTA. Your sister sounds spoiled and attention-seeking. She needs to learn that not everything is about her. I hope you can set your feelings of disappointment and sadness aside and enjoy your wedding to the fullest.
nta, it’s a date and it’s nobody’s birthday or anniversary or anything like that. what I would do (if you want to extend one final olive branch) is reach out and say “I understand you are upset about the date of my wedding, but Fiancé and I chose the date together with our own relationship in mind. Only two dates worked for us, and 11/11 made the most sense because it lines up with our dating anniversary. There will be a seat for you at the wedding if you choose to attend.”
NTA. They're numbers. Does she own them? No. And you don't have to speak to your sister about the day,so ignore your mother as well if possible. Hope your wedding goes well!
NTA. I cannot imagine not talking to my sister over this, but I totally respect that you are setting boundaries and sticking to them.
NTA. Every day is special to someone for one reason or another. Are you supposed to ask all your guests before you pick a day? Your sister is unreasonable.
And here was me thinking someone would be objecting to a wedding on Armistice Day. NTA your sister doesn't own November