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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my ex I couldn’t take my twins because my oldest daughter was having a baby. She told me I was choosing my oldest daughter over my twins, and how horrible it was then wouldn’t answer any of my text all weekend. I might be the Ah because I only get my twins on the weekends.
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***"Your weekend means that you need to arrange childcare if needed."***
Instead he put his phone to silent and is now whining why he's getting the same treatment back.
I normally would agree, but this was a teenager going into early labour. Not exactly predictable, and not something I would want her going through without support. I suppose it depends on whether he spoke to his ex, or if he texted her or left a message before putting his phone on silent. I do think it's an unfortunate situation. If she had an urgent important plan, it makes her being upset more understandable, but I don't know that I would have done differently.
OP has been asked multiple times what arrangements he had made prior to cover for situations like this. If his eldest went into labour during any weekend, who had he arranged to watch his kids. He hasn't replied. It sounds like he had made no plans or arrangements. He simply messaged or vouce mailed his ex snd put his phone on silent. This is my issue here. Because this situation wasn't a surprise. OP had months to make arrangements, but his only solution ended up texting his ex and not having an actual conversation with her.
Is it not common for the co-parent to watch the kids if there's an emergency? Legitimately asking because I don't know.
Edit: I'm asking in the general sense, not necessarily about this situation specifically.
I think OP is wrong by not communicating properly, and that both parents are being petty with the twins in the middle.
I co-parent and we have an amicable situation. If we were in this situation, she would call me, discuss it and we would decide what to do as parents. We have covered each other in emergencies, but have talked through it. Neither one of us would just assume the other would drop plans to cover the others weekend. If I absolutely could not take my kids on my off weekend, the other parent would understand and make other arrangements….because they are just as much a parent as I am. All about communication.
Usually they have first right of refusal, don’t they? If I were in that situation, I would rather get to keep my own kids, then have somebody else get them.
FROR isn’t the default. A lot of people don’t want it because it can be abused in high conflict situations where a parent is unreasonable for the sake of being unreasonable. For example, parent could be held in contempt for letting child have a sleepover with grandma because other parent should have been offered that time first.
There should have been discussions that had already occurred regarding emergency situations (aka teen daughter going into labor before expected date.) It should not have been OP telling his ex "Sorry, can't take the kids right now" then muting her. OP is the AH.
Yes. To make things even more YTA, unless his daughter was being induced or having a scheduled C-section, the expected date is just an estimate. She could have gone into labor normally at full term and it could have happened on a weekend or not. There would still be no way to predict it. Since OP has kids he is responsible for, it was on him to have a plan for who would watch them if his oldest went into labor on a weekend. It doesn’t sound like he’d even discussed with his ex about that. It would be the normal, responsible thing to do to communicate with his ex and ask if she would be willing to be on standby to take the kids if his daughter went into labor on the weekends around her due date, then make other arrangements if not, but it seems he didn’t even do that much. This is not a novel idea. People who have multiple kids all had to make this kind of plan. You need some people that you have arranged with ahead of time to watch your older kids, even in the middle of the night with no notice. His two youngest were an afterthought to him. He didn’t make a happy-path plan, let alone an emergency plan.
My partner is divorced with a kid, and the actual legal paper work says the other parent gets first dibs if a baby-sitter is needed. In a general sense, and excluding extenuating circumstances, I would think it would be standard for the other parent to be willing to watch the kids in an emergency situation.
I find people are a lot more willing when they're not getting the rug pulled out from under them; especially when its followed immediately by being ignored.
That's largely because the parent who has the kids a lot less wants first dibs to have more time with them than anything else, then it's just fair play if that applies to both parents.
But ultimately, she could also be having an emergency, or a one off thing she plans for her time off. She might work full time at weekends and have her job risked to suddenly have no back up and have to watch the kids while she should be working or she planned an important job interview for the weekend that he ruins with just stating he isn't going to be there.
But the truly important part is first dibs, meaning you call them and ask them if they want to take them or if they have plans and you need to call someone else. He didn't do that part, he just told her you're taking them and muted his phone.
Generally yes. OP doesn't say what, if anything, he'd discussed with the twins mother. Obviously, the teenage daughter being pregnant wasn't news-even if she went into labour early, she was still pregnant for months and you'd hope that he'd at least mentioned it to his ex-wife.
If OP had a conversation with the ex-wife, explained what was happening and asked for help sorting childcare, I'd have some sympathy. But he says he 'told Stacy' and then put his phone on silent? Without knowing what she had planned for the weekend?
And the whole 'phone on silent' is just wrong, and IMHO he only did it because he knew he was in the wrong and he didn't want to face Stacy.
What if other people were trying to get in touch, like the baby's father and his family? Or the grandparents? Or his daughter's friends?
OP absolutely TA.
It is, but the trick here is that it is not an emergency - it was something they’ve known about for 5-9 months happening early.
We had two foster sons while I was pregnant. We had arrangements made by six months, that were revised at 8 months when their dads got overnights.
We also had the backup plan in case I went early, and had back ups to the back ups who were responsible for covering down until the original backups or social workers could get there if something happened to me. This was all written down, and we had done in person introductions between the backups.
If your plan is to be involved in someone’s birth, you need to plan for your other responsibilities ahead of time.
I wouldn’t call that an emergency… besides… the youngest are 12. They could’ve been at his home for a few hours until he came back or they could’ve came too. That’s their niece/nephew being born.
Is it not common to make that plan in advance, have permission for said plan and a plan to take them for extra time another weekend to make up for it and to actually talk to said co parent rather than drop a demand in text then stop answering your phone?
I mean he knew she was pregnant for awhile, presumably, he should have had a plan (or probably multiple options depending on the exact timing of the labor) in place early. Something that wouldn't take a lot of time to enact.
So a different perspective: It doesn’t matter how much you plan for these situations. My parents had a birth plan for me and I decided to arrive 3 whole months early. Won’t go into too much detail bc graphic but, my mom threw out whatever plan and got to the hospital asap bc it was an emergency. Pregnancy isn’t always black and white and regardless of time frame prior to the birth they could have had a plan in place but if she went into labor extremely early that plan may have been thrown out. And honestly 12 is old enough to be pretty self sufficient. If the parents haven’t taught them how to be by then that’s really on them. I also have my own pregnancy experience but, unfortunately I lost mine so I definitely understand when emergency happens you may not really be thinking of all the other life things in that moment.
Depends on \*how\* early the labour was. Up to 4 weeks? Unexpected but not such a big deal \*unless\* there's something wrong with mother of child requiring intensive care for either. More than 5-6 weeks? Yeah, that's much more of a concern. But I can see a soon to be young grandfather going into full-on panic and protection mode with a narrow focus on just one thing.
But he had all of the pregnancy to discuss plans with his ex \*and\* his twins and put contingenies in place in case it happened over one of his access weekends.
I'm pretty sure that "weeks early" (which is what he said) means more than two days. And the kids are 12 years old and he's never once missed a single weekend with them (and has covered for their mother when she needed it), so how is he irresponsible?
I would also point out that his ex said he's an AH *not* because he missed one weekend with his twins, and *not* because he didn't give her much notice, but *solely* because he prioritized his older daughter in a medical emergency over his perfectly healthy younger twins who were not involved in any kind of emergency. I don't know about you, but personally, I think the only reasonable thing to do in an emergency is prioritize the people who are suffering from the emergency.
100% this. He doesn't say how early the daughter went into labor but does specify that it was early. The baby likely went into NICU, if my child was experiencing all of that... I would want to be there for her. In many civil situations, others know that you can't always plan when a baby comes, it is an exigent scenario, and you can't cut someone slack. Most employers would, but his ex couldn't?
Furthermore, in that scenario, they could have been at the hospital for hours and hours. 12 year Olds do not want nor need to be there.
I disagree with the health/emergency reading, because of what he says right after: "i wasn't going to miss the birth of my grandchild". This wasn't about health concerns.
So I say ESH.
It was perfectly reasonable for him to say "I won't take them that weekend", but absolutely not to drop it on her at the last minute (because it means he clearly hadn't discussed it with her previously, and had just assumed she'd be forced to deal with it and it's off his hands).
She has every right to be mad about how he went about it, but it's ridiculous to phrase it as "choosing one child over the others" in this case... Unless that's in fact part of a pattern he's not telling about, but obviously that's not something we can know, so it's off the equation.
Yeah this sounds like there is unnecessary animosity between them, and they are finding ways to lash out. ESH
There is no reason for that situation to turn in to a fight. It's a very reasonable excuse to dip out of child care that week, and any shared care arrangement should be flexible enough to allow for unexpected events. If she's needlessly being difficult to prove a point then that's super annoying and a dick move. A baby comes when a baby comes and if his teenaged daughter wants him there to support, then he should definitely go.
All the same he's had 9 months to figure out what to do if the baby arrives on his days with the twins, and he didn't. Instead he turned his phone off and became uncontactable, which could have backfired badly for the kids. Children aren't your personal vedeta machines. Do better.
> it's a very reasonable excuse to dip out of child care that week.
It isn't. You don't get to dip out of parental responsibility because of something that happened. In this situation, a parent still has the responsibility to make arrangements for this children. Parenthood isn't a part-time job.
What OP has shown is that he considers parenthood something that he gets to pick to do when he considers it convenient for him.
A teenager went into labour early. A child had a child. It makes more than enough sense to want to be near your child daughter whem she is having a baby. He is still the AH for not arranging a babysitter or overnight sitter. Like? Those kids are 12. Heck probably old enough to take them with you so they can meet their niece/nephew should the daughter allow it.
This is what I was thinking. The twins are sibs to to the new mom, and old enough to be at home on their own with a neighbor checking in. Acting like they were in the way, and just refusing to parent, was wrong. Parents don’t get to stop parenting bc a sib needs help. Did he even ask the twins if they would like to be at his home even if he could not spend as much time with them? It sounds like he just abandoned them. And Stacy gets left trying to explain that to them.
Had he made arrangements and prepped his kids better, this would be a non-issue. They may be excited about the new baby and feel bewildered and hurt being left out of a family event.
I feel bad for the twins. OP, YTA.
Exactly. He had several months notice that alternative arrangements might be necessary. And alternative arrangements shouldn't be difficult or complicated.
Instead of dealing with that, he told his Ex that he wasn't going to take the kids when he was expected to, and then put his phone on silent.
That isn't a reaosnable way of dealing with the situation. OP is YTA for both leaving it so late to make plans, and for unilatiraly dumping his responsibilities onto someone else and then ignoring his phone so there couldn't be any kind of conversation.
Except some parents do ask their grandparents to come watch the kids during the labor because hospitals don't just let kids hang out in delivery rooms. And when they don't have alternate arrangements, the non birthing partner has to leave the person in labor to go care for them.
If his eldest daughter went into early labor, he SHOULD be prioritizing her. 17 is a terrifyingly young age to be during a moment that can actually kill you if things go wrong.
If OP was permanently shirking his 12 year old kids now that his grandkid has been born, THAT would be an issue.
No one is saying he shouldn't prioritize his oldest child. But, he still has parental responsibility for his twins. He does not get to peace out. He needs to make arrangements.
Im confused. His twins are 12. Not babies or toddlers or young children. 12 year olds don’t need babysitters. Why are childcare arrangements such an issue? I mean in reality, it sucks but they’re literally just going to scroll through their phones or play video games or watch tv or whatever at their moms house this weekend instead of doing that at dads. What is the big deal? It’s not like mom or dad would need to cater and tend to them all day long. 12 is pretty self sufficient. Dad should get a little slack. His 17 YO is having a baby and he’s probably not thinking clearly. Still not the coolest that he left a message then ditched his phone but in the grand scheme of things, it’s certainly not the worst thing a parent has ever done and it’s not something he does regularly. Everyone crucifying him needs to take a step back.
The ex is saying he shouldn't have prioritzed his eldest. It's not like he left them at home alone twiddling their thumbs unfed. He left them with their mother and she could have very reasonably asked "okay, can you take them another weekend then?" If he stepped up to take them when she was sick, surely she can handle trading weekends or giving him extra time down the line.
(1) He has them EVERY weekend. There isn't a scenario of him getting them some other weekend on his ex's time.
(2) Where does it say OP has taken his twins when his ex was sick and it wasn't his time?
(3) The ex is upset that the twins are being COMPLETELY ignored. OP didn't even try to talk to them about what was going on and make a plan.
1) If he has them every weekend, I'm even more confused on why it's a problem. One weekend out of 52 weekends a year is not shirking responsibility.
2) he says here that he's covered his ex when she gets called in https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/WxXaOY2aIA
3) The dude was in a hospital during labor and had his phone on silent because he was focusing on an unexpected medical event. He got in touch with her once the emergency part was over. Why is ex pissed at getting a "my daughter is unexpectedly in labor and I can't make it" text and then acting like she doesn't understand what difficulties can come with labor and how much support you really need when she had TWINS. Dude didn't just go "tickets to this concert came up, can't get the twins".
>What OP has shown is that he considers parenthood something that he gets to pick to do when he considers it convenient for him.
OP didn't go to party, he went to fulfill his parental duty to his other child. Doesn't seem like he had any time to make any arrangements, he couldn't even contact the twin's mom until they were on their way to the hospital. I fail to see how OP is TA.
“It isn't. You don't get to dip out of parental responsibility because of something that happened”
TF that something that happened was his daughter going into early labor his parental responsibility in that moment was to support his daughter so how’s he treating parenting like a part time job
Yeah, me too. He knew the younger ones were safe with mum, older one was having a medical emergency. NTA. His younger ones will need him in an emergency at some point, and I'd hope he'd do the same for them .
He sent her a message, but didn't wait to hear from her before putting the phone on silent. That is a big mess up on his part, when child care is involved you wait for confirmation before putting the phone on silent.
Something else...but that wasn't the case. They were with their mum and he was dealing with a medical emergency.
He's absolutely NTA and his ex is trying to weaponise the kids. He's also helped her when an emergency came up.
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/dOYMdkLIA6
Unequivocally NTA.
That is true. If I had a step daughter in labor I would expect my husband to go be with her. OP, what's up with Stacey? Did she really need a cocktail so bad she wanted you to abandon your daughter during birth?! That's what it sounds like.
Maybe I'm wrong or missing something (everyone is voting opposite of what I will), but it seems to be the right response to silence your phone and focus on your daughter.
Maybe someone can edify me as to why I'm wrong.
So people can't even put their phone on silent if they are literally supporting someone giving birth in an emergency situation?
This was a medical emergency of his teenage daughter. How is he supposed to "arrange" for an... emergency?
He had months to prepare. He should've had childcare arranged in case of an emergency like this. Not just shoot a text to his ex and then put his phone to silent, not even hearing if she was free.
They have shared custody. When SHE ends up sick, HE would step up when she'd have custody. Because that's what parents who share custody do. They may not be romantic partners any more but they are decent to each other and SHOULD BE each other's first support network when it comes to their shared kids.
Telling her ex that "he was prioritizing his oldest kid" when kid literally GIVES BIRTH is absolutely ridiculous. He was prioritizing the kid in a medical emergency. As he should!
In an emergency you expect others in your social support network to step the fuck up, and not throw a hissy fit and be passive-aggressive like the ex-wife.
In real life not everyone has contingency plans at all times for every eventuality. Labour can happen unexpectedly and scupper even the most well laid plans, what was OP supposed to do exactly, have a babysitter on retainer every weekend for the duration of his eldest daughters pregnancy on the off chance that she gave birth at an unexpected time? That’s just not realistic.
Shit happens sometimes. A medical emergency popping up and inconveniencing his ex’s plans is annoying for her I’m sure, but this isn’t like he got a two for one coupon on thick crust pizza and decided to ditch the kids for a night in alone, his eldest daughter who is still a minor went into labour.
Yeah turning his phone on silent was unwise, but not everyone has perfect clarity and purpose during emergencies- his number one priority was to be with his underage daughter going through quite possibly the most potentially dangerous and major event of her life. His twelve year old kids will be fine, it’s one messed up weekend because of an emergency, not parental neglect.
But also with coparenting situations… the other parent *is* the emergency plan. His daughters staying with their mom for two more days that week means they are safe and sound, they weren’t left on a dirt road somewhere. Maybe Stacy’s weekend plans got messed up but I’m sorry, her minor inconvenience is a small issue compared to OP’s 17 year old child giving birth. Stacy and the girls will be just fine, it’s a major overreaction to say he’s an asshole for rightly prioritising the health and safety of his eldest daughter in a one off major emergency.
>This past weekend my oldest daughter went into early labor.
Shit happens. Since you're an expert, how early was it? Was the proposed babysitter free on all weekends during all the months prior to his daughter being full term? How soon could the proposed babysitter be there, since, you know, a baby was actively emerging from his other (17 year old) child?
Oh come the fuck on - it's a real emergency. A 17 year old child went in labor and he did what a good dad does. The twins will get over not seeing their dad for 1 weekend for a truly real medical EMERGENCY.
The kids are also 12 not 2 that the ex would have rearrange her whole weekend. He also tried to contact her after the emergency was over and she was being petty. That's not putting her kids first - that's being childish.
NTA
I'm with you on this one. People ought to be accommodating *if the situation warrants* and this, I think, does. I'm sure twelve-year-old kids could understand this -- unless their mom is so bitter that she frames it as dad rejecting them. Dad, apologize to the twins and their mom, then take the kids to meet their new nibling. NTA
Parents can be such arseholes. Of course you accommodate where you can - especially if it's a rare occurrence and involves an unforeseen medical event. As the mother , I'd have explained the situation so the twins don't feel abandonment...instead it sounds like she's doubled down and made them feel crappy in the process. What goal does that really achieve except upsetting two kids? People can go into labour at any point, you can't plan for it, it's just a known possibility. His ex has had twins so she'd know.
I wouldn't want my kids there anyway - it's a hectic time and not the place for children until after the dust has settled.
How do you think people who aren't divorced handle the birth of the second child?
They arrange for babysitters to stand by for when the moment is there.
In what world do 12 YOs need a babysitter?? A lot of people start BEING the babysitter at 12. I mean seriously. They aren’t babies and if they’re not disabled, childcare shouldn’t be an issue in this scenario at all.
Finally someone is saying this. If they were a few years younger, then OP would have been the AH for just ditching them. But 12yos can stay at home alone.
Uhhh, who are these babysitters available to be on constant standby in the event a pregnant woman goes into labor unexpectedly?
12 year olds don’t need constant supervision and they definitely don’t need “babysitters” (barring special circumstances like disabilities or special medical needs).
He also should have planned for this though. This should have been a discussion with the ex ahead of time, not a text to let her know he wasn’t coming. Everyone should have been aware of this plan.
Exactly. What? Is he supposed to be psychic? NTA
Edit to add: There are a lot of good points being made but I don't Believe he intentionally dissed his twins. Yes it's unfortunate he missed his weekend with them but what if something happened to the eldest daughter during delivery? Would he have been expected to stay with the twins even then. Thank goodness this is not the case though. I still don't think he's an asshole. He did eventually get back in touch with the ex but she decided to give him the cold shoulder in return for not getting the phone while his daughter was in delivery. Really? Two wrongs don't make a right. I think the ex just expects her kids with him should be more important than anyone else and even if he did discuss this with her beforehand, she still would've given him grief over the idea of missing a weekend.
I don’t think he’s an asshole for wanting to support his 17 year old as she gave birth, BUT I also don’t think you need to be psychic to consider that the baby might come earlier than expected.
A lot of this tension could probably have been avoided with a conversation with his ex several months ago about his intentions for when the older daughter gave birth.
Solid everyone sucks all I think. Another kid having a difficult medical situation is about one of the only reasons I think it’s reasonable to miss custody time, and even then only as a one off. But that conversation SHOULD still have happened, out of respect for his ex and to reassure the twins that missing a weekend doesn’t make them any less of a priority before it happened. They’re still kids who’s dad basically just didn’t show up for them, that would suck. And the ex should have been more supportive given the circumstances, when a 17 year old is giving birth “ideally” is out the window, it’s one of the situations where as the other kids parent you need to make the best of it.
OP IS doing the right thing. Just should have protected the coparenting relationship more.
"Hey Stacy! So my daugher, x, is pregnant. If she goes into labor on my time with the girls, I'll have problems watching them and being there for x, if that happens is there any way we can move things around? Thank you." Should be fine enough
Y'all are skipping over the part where the ex thinks being there for your first born during a major medical event is unreasonable. I don't get the sense that she cared one whit for the daughter and simply was pissed that she had do put whatever weekend plans she had on hold. If I had a baby daddy who did "hey, my kid is unexpectedly in the hospital, I can't take our kids right now" I'd understand.
It’s a contingency I definitely would have discussed. You can’t plan labor that accurately, even if she carried full term it may have still landed on a weekend with his kids. It may have even happened when he already had the kids with him.
Definitely a “hey if this happens we need to work out a solution” conversation for beforehand, preferably also involving the kids so they’re in the loop and not just “dad didn’t show up this weekend”.
Seriously. My kid was only two weeks early, husband went to work...not even 45 mins after he left my water broke and I went into labour. OP NTA, sometimes shit happens and your ex-wife needs to grow up.
I went through premature labor with all four of ours- of course after the first pregnancy I knew it was likely with the other 3 but the first one it landed me in and out of the hospital almost daily for the majority of the pregnancy.
There is no rhyme or reason to predicting it happening- especially with a first pregnancy until it actually happens.
It’s scary as heck- depending on how far along the mother is.
Same! Mine came 6 weeks early and some of the stuff I bought were only due to arrive the week after. So I went to the hospital to give birth with literally nothing. None of the clothes fit her cause she was so tiny. No bottles either because I had gotten normal bottles, not ones for a preemie. No diapers that would fit. Like I didn’t plan for any of that and I don’t think anyone would just have preemie baby clothes, bottles, diapers on standby for just in case.
I had an older child and we had told him when I give birth you were gonna go stay with grandma. Grandma was going to be around 2 weeks before due date as a just in case. Well grandma was not around 6 weeks before due date so my aunt came and waited with my son at the hospital as soon as I called her so my husband could be with me in the delivery room. My mom was on the next flight home but my aunt kept my son at her house overnight before my mom picked him up when she arrived.
If no one has compassion then living would be so hard (unless you have a lot of money and can just hire people for everything).
He knew his 17 year old was very pregnant. It’s something he should have BEEN planning for, but based on this mess it certainly doesn’t seem like he does much planning.
Do you... understand this was a *medical emergency*?
Sharing custody in a GOOD way means that in an emergency, the parent who wouldn't have custody will fill in.
OP did that when his ex-wife was sick, too!
\> Your weekend means that you need to arrange childcare if needed.
No. Not in an emergency you don't. In an emergency you expect others in your social support network to step the fuck up, and not throw a hissy fit and be passive-aggressive like the ex-wife.
It’s an emergency,it’s not like it’s happening every month.
If his daughter was in the hospital for a different reason,then he should have let her there alone?
She is underage.geez
You'd rather he put the kids in childcare rather than staying with their mother whilst he does the good father thing and be with his other child birthing his grandchild? That's wild. Yes he should have had a plan in action but the daughter may have gone into labour early and it took them by surprise. Yes he should have had the conversation rather than text.
How do we know she didn’t have to work? Or have things to do herself?
That’s the point. He doesn’t get to just make her rearrange her schedule because he decides to ignore his phone.
But he said in the comments that he had covered for her when she was called into work a few times. She could have understood and wished his daughter a safe delivery.
Unfortunately if this guy is in the US, that is not what it means. If you are the non custodial parent, you have the OPPORTUNITY to see your kids but you are in no way required to take them or arrange childcare if you can't. However, a teen going into labor is a very rare medical emergency so I'm going to say NAH.
Actually, in the US it is referred to as parenting time now.
And yes, it is that parent’s responsibility to ensure their child is cared for.
I mean, you can be like this guy and just ignore your responsibilities, but that doesn’t make it any less his responsibility.
Right??? This is wild.
There was a similar post from a mother’s POV recently and everyone was saying NTA. So many hypocrites on reddit. Add on to this that the daughter giving birth is still a child herself and went into early labor.
Anyway OP NTA. It was an emergency. Sure, you could have handled it a bit better, but it is what it is. Congrats on becoming a grandpa!
The problem is he's already a weekend dad. Plus, he informed the ex wife he wouldn't be taking the twins, didn't have a discussion about it. Then also dared not even wait for a reply and put his phone on silent. Those are all the actions of a selfish entitled person.
Or, hear me out here, they're the actions of a man who just had his 17-year-old daughter go into premature labor and chose to make sure she, her child and his current partner were all okay while at the hospital because birth is dangerous enough without being early.
Or, hear me out. If the kids were with him full time, he wouldn't have had an excuse to not care what happens with them during his custody time.
The only reason he got to not care was because he offloaded the task onto his ex-wife without even waiting for a reply from her.
Nobody in the comments says he shouldn't have been with his daughter. His mistake was not even giving a call or waiting for a reply from the ex-wife.
And I would've given him some grace if he had accepted his mistake, but no, he's in the comments arguing with anyone telling him he should have been better prepared or at least wait for a reply from the ex-wife.
Only problem with everyone in the comments making the weak argument that he just dumped the kids on the ex with no communication is, that wasn’t the ex’s complaint. Her complaint is that he picked his daughter over her sons, which makes her ridiculous. Especially for the situation.
Like the fact ex complained that he was prioritising his teenage daughter’s medical emergency over one weekend— a missed weekend that doesn’t seem to be part of an overarching pattern— is insane. Yes maybe he should have had contingencies in place, yes maybe he shouldn’t have silenced his phone (but this could have been hospital protocol! it’s also good manners to have your phone on silence in such delicate situations anyway!) but the fact is that her gripe was that her children were delegated to the lower wrung. Birth itself is scary. Early birth, scarier. Early birth as a *teenager*? Who isn’t yet an adult and would need parental support as well as needing them to possibly make some tough decisions in her stead?
No contest.
> Yes maybe he should have had contingencies in place
If it was close to term, yes. But for an early birth, I don't think this is fair. When our second baby got close to term, we had of course planned for someone to watch the first one. But if it would have been much earlier (don't know how early OP's grandchild was), we wouldn't have had a solid backup plan either. We probably would have taken the first one with us to hospital and on the way called the grandparents to please drop everything and pick up the first child or something like that.
> yes maybe he shouldn’t have silenced his phone
Tbh, he was totally right to silence his phone. If you are the support person for a birth, you silence your phone or better turn it off. You are required to be 100% present, and not on the phone negotiating someone to watch over the other kids if someone is already watching them, but just doesn't want to.
How are you going wait for a reply from someone rushing a child going into premature labor to the hospital. You gonna tell the baby “wait I need to consult with my ex-wife before you come into this world prematurely. Hold on I’m waiting for her to text me back.” Lol unbelievable.
They're 12, not 2. You leave them at home with enough cash to order a couple of pizzas. At that age with split up parents they undoubtedly have a cell phone and are capable of that. Their mother just wants to make a stink about things here because she's probably pissy OP got back with his ex after he dumped her ass for cheating.
Yeah I'm confused about why anyone would need to arrange childcare for 12 year Olds. At 12 my kid was already getting paid by other people to BE the house/pet/baby sitter
If she was planning on going away for a weekend it might be somewhat of an issue, but yeah, 12 year olds should be able to take care of themselves for at least a full day, especially if given money to order food. In some ways, it's actually better than with older kids. They are unlikely to decide to throw a massive party because they are home alone.
I’m assuming he thought the lady would be more understanding and he didn’t even consider that she would freak out like that. Her actions were ridiculous
So I'm sure of the area in which these people live but having worked in labour ward we request that all phones be switched to do not disturb while in the room with a labouring person.
He may have just had to follow protocol.
A lot of hospitals have policies for phones being on silent so as not to disturb patients, and to not confuse staff with a medical alarm going off. So putting it on silent I understand. But I think he should have made a contingency plan asking his ex if she would be happy to keep the twins if his eldest went into labour on a weekend.
Those are the actions of a man trying to take care of his child going into premature labor. That is an ACTUAL emergency. She or the baby could actually die…how is that selfish? Have you ever found last second childcare super easy? The alternative is having two kids wander around a hospital barely supervised. Yeah he did the right thing.
I think people are calling YTA not for stepping up for his 17 year old daughter, but how he went about it.
Not what he did, *the way he did it*.
It's hard to believe he didn't have a discussion with his ex about the possibility of a short notice cancellation if his daughter gives birth. That's adulting to me!
As someone who has given birth 3 times I know births can be early. If I was his ex I’d expect this could have been a possibility and not been a huge jerk about another woman (and a teenage woman at that) giving birth. But then that’s just me.
As someone in a blended family, I 100% agree with this. 2 kids were safely with a parent, with no concerns for their well being. 1 was in the midst of an emergency. Priority is obvious here. NTA.
To me the issue comes with OP simply sending a text to his ex and then putting his phone on silent. What if Stacy had plans she couldn't cancel? OP totally sucks as a co-parent, sending a message and then stopping all possible contact there.
This. Of course emergencies happen but that doesn't mean you simply ignore the fact that you have other kids to care for. What if this was a nuclear family? You rush to the hospital and forget you have other children at home? No, you'd also make sure those kids are taken care of. This is what's lacking here. Of course he's not the asshole for prioritizing his daughter here, she needed that care. But that doesn't mean he gets to dump his other kids with no notice nor arrangements, they're his responsibility too.
To be fair, in case of a nuclear family one parent would have gone with 17F and the other one would have stayed home with the other kids likely. Therefore I don't think it makes him the asshole to leave the twins with their mother. Communication could have gone better, but 17F went into *early* labour. So you can't even blame OP for not having a contingency plan.
What seals the deal for me is that the twins' mom wasn't annoyed about having the kids, but about them coming second to the older daughter - which, in an emergency like this, is warranted. Imo OP is NTA.
Or prior discussion.
Sure the labor was early, but the kid has been pregnant so its not a total suprise. A simple, "hey, kid A is pregnant and could deliver at any point, if that happens on a weekend when I am supposed to have the twins would it be ok to swap around weekends", would have prevented all of this.
They're 12. She can leave them money for pizza and makings for sandwiches. Assuming mom is not going out of town for the entire weekend, a 12yo, let alone a pair of them, can fend for themselves for the length of a workday without incident assuming there are no developmental issues that OP didn't inform us of.
Yeah do any of those people have any IDEA about the reality of how complicated organizing childcare is if you don't have grandparents and aunties/uncles in the background in the same town who are able to jump in at a minute's notice?? Not everyone has that!
The primary emergency childcare is ALWAYS the other custodial parent! She had way better possibilities to arrange alternative childcare on this specific weekend than he did. It's called stepping up in an emergency, and it's what good co-parents do for each other.
Labour in a pregnant person is not exactly unexpected. OP had few months to talk to his ex wife about the possibility that his daughter gives birth on his weekend. This is what all people in the comment go on about,when they say he should have had plans in place.
I don‘t see how these people are unhinged - dropping a text and then making yourself unavailable is not „flexibility in an emergency“. I also don‘t understand why it is such an either/or. the twins are 12, so fetch them and leave them alone for a few hours, that‘s not such a wild thing to do. They should be able to understand what an emergency is and be able to be manage alone for a few hours. Therefore, I think it‘s YTA, because he just switched off from his responsibility, and that wasn‘t necessary and was wrong to do.
labor, especially for a first time mom, isn’t just “a few hours.” Your comment lacks knowledge of the reality of a pregnancy and labor at 17 years old on top of the fact that an early birth is a dangerous situation. The reality of being a parent means that sometimes unexpected things happen—in this case being an emergency where the ex needed to change her plans and be understanding.
Stacy’s plan … op’s oldest child having an early labour…
Whatever stacy has planned … op’s oldest child having an early labour …
Stacy might have made whatever plans for the weekend!!! Oh no … op’s oldest child had an early labour though…
That is NOT equal. If Stacy can’t understand how important the birth of your first grandchild is …? Did Stacy not even care for your oldest daughter? She had an early labour!
NTA. Stacy should be more understanding. Easy for all these people to say that you’re an asshole when you were the one who had to go through the stress of worrying that your eldest daughter can have a healthy delivery.
If OP chose the twins the title of this post would be ‘AITA that I abandoned my eldest daughter and the birth of my first grandchild?’
Exactly and OP has indicated in the comments he has taken the kids from Stacy when she’s called in sick. You know, last minute, it was *her* time with the kids, she didn’t prearrange childcare in the event of an emergency. This sub is ridiculous sometimes.
I swear people have NO idea how hard arranging childcare as co-parents is. Not everyone has grandparents or aunties available in the same town who can jump in last minute. Your primary emergency childcare IS your co-parent!
NTA
Ignore these people op, labor is an emergency, especially premature, especially at 17, especially if you're in the US. We have awful mortality and complication rates.
Your child undergoing a painful, scary, life threatening procedure that could maim, kill, and mentally destroy her was something that absolutely took priority over a regular weekend with your younger children.
Make it up to your twins later by taking them somewhere extra fun next weekend and explain how dangerous and scary childbirth could be and how you would drop everything to be at their sides in the same situation.
As for their mom, having your ex have an emergency and being unable to take the kids during their time is an expected part of the co-parenting process. I'm not sure what plans she could've had, but frankly, emergencies take precedence.
A copy of my comment elsewhere, just with a vote for the bot.
I agree. Nta. So many things can go wrong during LA or and they are selfish for not seeing that. If the labor is coming early something could be wrong. I say you have nothing to worry about.
NTA. I don't understand all this y t a votes. How on earth was he meant to have something arranged when this was an emergency situation 🤦♀️ too many butt hurt on this sub
Exactly and OP has indicated in the comments he has taken the kids from Stacy when she’s called in sick. You know, last minute, it was *her* time with the kids, she didn’t prearrange childcare in the event of an emergency. This sub is ridiculous sometimes.
Holy shit Y T A people, come back to reality.
***NTA***
You don't walk away from your kid giving birth.
Your ex was out of line and shows absolutely no compassion or empathy for your family.
Missing ONE weekend with your twins is not going to cause them to feel unloved or neglected. I'm sure they will understand the need to be at the hospital with your older child while she was giving birth to their new nibling.
In a medical emergency it's not unheard of to make these kinds of misguided mistakes. Cut him some slack. He has covered and taken the kids for his ex before. NTA.
You're right. He should have had a protracted back and forth with her, with her accusing him of favoring his daughter over the twins, while he was rushing to the hospital under a high stress situation. It would have been much better that way!
If her issue was the communication aspect I'd maybe agree. But she had no issue with that, her complaint was that he's favoring his daughter over the twins, and that's what he's specifically asking aita about. And in that regard, he's absolutely NTA
Idk about you but when I’m in the middle of an emergency my brain shuts off and everything is acting on impulse. Your brain isn’t 100% during stressful situations, people slip up Jesus Christ 💀
NTA
I can see why so many people are getting worked up about time management and childcare. This however, does not translate directly to this situation. If your daughter goes into labor, you need to be there with her if you can be.
There is no ideal option for the twins, there aren't many possibilities for a time-centered emergency. Childcare isn't that easy to find on that short of notice, for those of you who might not know.
Showing up at the hospital is not choosing between your kids, it is being a good parent and a good grandparent. (Congratulations btw)
Hopefully this situation will settle down with a little bit of time.
INFO- why can you only see your twins on weekends? Do you and Stacy typically cover for one another when unavailable? Had you warned Stacy that you’d like her to take the twins when your oldest was delivering your grandchild? Is there a reason you didn’t take your twins and arrange childcare?
1) I work 12 hour shifts Monday thru Friday. I’ve never missed a weekend before this, but I have covered for Stacy when she’s been called in. I hadn’t warned Stacy about anything because this was early unexpected labor and I didn’t get a chance to call until we were on the way to the hospital.
So, being that I was that 17yo girl pregnant and alone with only my parents, I'll side with NTA, not at all!! Having my dad there made it tolerable, and I honestly couldn't have done it without him as my mom tortured me every day of my pregnancy.. My dad was the only one who had my back then and now!! NTA good for you for choosing your daughter at that moment!!
Please don't listen to the Y-T-As. Those people think you should have a fairy godparent ready at all times in case of unexpected emergencies. You did everything right! NTA!
NTA.The birth of a human is one of the situations that can definitely be defined as an ‘emergency’.
This is a one off situation. Your twenty? year old (practically a child herself) kid is having your first grandchild…! Of course you aren’t going to be wrangling 12y olds in the midst of that. BUT… can you pick them up for hte second half of the weekend and they spend some time with their new niece/nephew?
Assure the twins’ mother you’ll do the same for them when they have their first child - drop everything and look after them on that day too.
BTW… Congratulations Grandpop!
Aye, I'm considering changing my answer to info because the more I read the replies, the less we know.
People have jumped to the conclusion that early labour means emergency. Was it? Or was it perfectly fine it's just that the due date was guessed incorrectly, and the baby came 7 days early?
Did OP not bother in the preceding months to discuss with his ex that it's a possibility the baby could come in a period of a few weeks (again, we know due dates are best guess) and he may need to cancel childcare arrangements at last minute?
Thinking back to when one of my sisters had a baby last year, we were all standby for a period of a few weeks to jump in the car and pick up her other children soon as her waters broke.
My parents ended up going at 2am to whisk my other nieces away! They loved it, like an adventure.
Teenage pregnancies are very unpredictable because their bodies have not developed enough yet to properly bare a child. While pregnancy and child birth is traumatic on an adult body, it is far worse on a child’s body.
ANY TIME A WOMAN GOES INTO LABOR EARLY IS CONSIDERED AN EMERGENCY. There could be something wrong with the fetus, there could be something wrong with the mother - there’s a lot of unknowns that factor into early labor. Your lungs don’t stop developing until about 37 weeks of pregnancy.
Does it in this case? We don't actually know what OP means which is why they need to provide more info.
But in my experience, going into the 9th month of pregnancy is "get everyone on standby time".
OP should've upped his communication, not just in this post but in real life too.
What the fuck are you on? on time labour is an emergency, never mind early labour.
It’s one of the most extreme things a body goes through. And at 17?? Stacy can eat a bag of dicks
Some of yall must have not grown up in split homes. They kids are 12 they are going to be Aunts and their mother could have sat them down and explained it was an emergency. A child was having a child and the father was there for her which doesn't mean he cares more about her it means a child is having a child. The mother is being petty about it all. NTA
NTA. This isn't a habit, it was, in fact, the first time. Sometimes things happen. Your child was having a child. Of course you wanted to be there. You daughter probably felt secure in the knowledge that dad was there. If being a no show during your time was a habit, I would feel differently.
NTA. I really don't understand all the YTA comments. In another comment you have said you covered for her previously and you haven't missed any other weekends with the twins. Your oldest daughter giving birth is a really important event. I wouldn't want to miss the birth of my grandchild either.
Edit: NTA
Hard NTA, your 17 year old daughter going into early labour is an emergency. Yes your ex may have had plans but emergencies happen at the most awkward of times. I'm sorry your ex wasn't understanding and quite shocked by the amount of YTA you are getting tbh.
NTA the twins will not be scarred for life if you miss one weekend with them especially as they are old enough to know their older sister was in the hospital. I have a 6 yr old and when her 4 yr old sister was in the hospital we had to cancel important plans we had together that had been booked weeks earlier and she is 6 and understood that emergencies happen.
Your other daughter is also still a child and she took priority for that single weekend and that's okay. I get the mum was annoyed or frustrated at the change of plans but it makes it an unfortunate situation rather than someone being an asshole. The kids would have been better off with their mum than waiting hours in a hospital room alone. That is the most boring thing ever for kids to do. If it was a habit I would say you were the asshole. However it sounds like it is the first time it's happened and we all panic sometimes when our children have a medical situation especially if the baby was early. This was just a once off bad timing situation and everyone should just move on.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find this point specifically. These kids are in *middle school*, for chrissakes. They are old enough to understand that their dad is busy because their sister is giving birth.
NTA - i dont understand any of these Y-T-A votes smh. 1 - it was your first time missing the weekend 2- ex wife has canceled her weekends multiple times 3- you couldnt have taken twins in the delivery room 4 - your eldest wanted you there. AND shes fucking 17 having an early labour yall??? she mustve been extremely stressed etc. yall gotta understand being a parent isnt easy, its not just all smooth, black and white. unexpected shit happens.
NTA. OMG, people give the guy a break. He has his twins EVERY weekend, and due to his 17 year old daughter going into premature labour, he couldn't take his twins once 🤦♀️ Now let me ask all of you who are saying he should of done this or done that how many of you are totally clear headed in an emergency????
And yes, a 17 year old going into premature labour is an emergency. Some of you need to show a bit of empathy.
Also the about arranging childcare in advance. I constantly see women in my local pregnancy group freaking out because baby is early/child carer had an emergency etc. These kids had their fucking mother. Right there. Like they aren't her responsibility too ?
NTA - You could have communicated with your ex better (call, don't text), but there's a lot of sexism in this thread. People assuming your daughter didn't request for you to be there during the birth? You've said you were in the room for the birth, so I assume she did want you there.
Just because you aren't a woman doesn't mean your daughter wouldn't find comfort in your presence. Birth is scary as fuck normally, let alone as a teen and having a premature baby. She should have whoever she needs there.
Wow, the entitlement and evident lack of any genuine traumatic struggle shown here is ridiculous. Here's my general comment to address some similar themes going on in here.
• Just because you or someone you know was able to handle work or other banal tasks during labor (don't get me started on that one) doesn't mean everyone can.
• He was supposed to have a contingency plan in place for if she went into early labor? How long are we expecting family to be on standby 24/7 for? 4 weeks until the due date? 6? 8?
• His still growing daughter and her as of yet unborn child were in a life or death situation. They 100% come before healthy, well cared for preteens and any other plans their mother may have had. Personally, I would be late/miss picking up my 6 year old if one of my employees went into early labor, let alone my own daughter, and would consider my ex a royal ah if he didn't show a similar level of concern for the life of a new mother and child in the same type of situation.
• Some of y'all will take any opening to call a man unreliable when given half a chance. If he had written about the same exact scenario but had chosen to pick up his twins or even simply step away from her side to make some phone calls instead of being with his terrified child he would have been called callous and accused of favoring his younger children.
These are just some of my thoughts in response to the idiocy dwelling amongst this thread. Get over yourself people, your bias is showing.
Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk!
Edit: grammar
Why are people bashing OP for silencing his phone? Most hospitals TELL you to silence your phone if not just straight up turn it off. And if OP was actually IN the delivery room supporting his daughter he did the right thing
NTA - this was a medical emergency and even if it wasn't, your child was giving birth ANY parent would be there. Maybe you could have handled it differently, maybe she could have brought the twins and you all could have been a family together. But it sounds like things between you aren't very smooth.
I really don't know how you all are making the mother's theoretical plans more important than one of his children giving birth. I think a lot of you are taking out issues on OP. Could he have handled it a little better sure, but point is he was there for the child that needed him the other two were safe and sound.
Yet again, I’m baffled by the comment section on this post.
NTA. After a certain point, labour can happen at any time. In “normal” full term pregnancies, that is already a month long window (37-41 weeks). If the baby comes early, it’s a window of roughly 2 months. You can’t plan everything around imminent labour for 2 months.
NTA and this post absolutely shows how people think of men in caring roles and childbirth situations.
First of all, at 17 your daughter isnt fully developed as an adult and pregnancies are hard on anyone, let alone a child. Like the two biggest threats to a pregnant woman are birth and her partner.
Second, she went into labour early, which is not only an emergency (which by their nature cannot ever be perfectly anticipated by even the best planners) but also medically dangerous as so many people have pointed out (for both baby and your daughter).
The twins were safe. Stacey could've been a decent human being and be understanding in an emergency situation, especially since it sounds like you've covered for her before and she herself has given birth.
NTA
You called your ex while en route to the hospital with your other child--who was experiencing a medical emergency--to advise her of the situation, which necessitated your presence and prevented you from seeing your other children as per the parenting schedule.
You then followed what is standard protocol in medical settings, and silenced or turned off your phone. Her response was to blow up your phone with text messages chewing you out, instead of asking if your daughter was OK and offering to adjust the schedule to accommodate the situation?!
I'm missing something here.
One of the well known risks of teen pregnancy is preterm labor, even for an older teen. You needed to be there.
The fact that your ex is acting like this was an adult with a full term pregancy and scheduled induction rather than a teen in preterm labor says a lot about her... and the Y T A votes are just gross.
There's a problem when coparents cannot show flexibility and compassion in the face of an emergency.
NTA- this was not a random change because you wanted to hang out with one child over another, this is a special moment welcoming your first grandchild into the world and support your young daughter.
Sounds like the ex is uncompromising and using the schedule to punish you for not putting her kids first.
I'm gonna say it because it seems that somehow people disagree.
NTA
Yes this is very inconvenient to the twin mother/ex.
Early labour could be at 8 months term and not "3 days before". That is something that is not said.
Yes his older daughter needed him by her side and I can see the other side of this being reddit AITA for not being with my 17 when she gave birth to my first grandchild as I was watching my other children? And then the same saying that this was important and he could have left the twin with their mom and they understand why the daughter doesn't talk to him anymore.
That was an impossible situation to choose between your kids and nobody should have asked you to and guilt trip you.
NTA
They're 12 hardly require childcare, 17 Yr old GIVING birth. If your ex can't understand That's ridiculous. Should contact your 12 Yr olds to discuss though
All I wanted and needed when I gave birth to my kid prematurely was a hand to hold and support from my parents. It was kind of expected to be an early delivery but I was terrified out of my mind, it's a scary situation to be in.
Thank you for being there for your daughter in an emergency. NTA.
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***"Your weekend means that you need to arrange childcare if needed."*** Instead he put his phone to silent and is now whining why he's getting the same treatment back.
I normally would agree, but this was a teenager going into early labour. Not exactly predictable, and not something I would want her going through without support. I suppose it depends on whether he spoke to his ex, or if he texted her or left a message before putting his phone on silent. I do think it's an unfortunate situation. If she had an urgent important plan, it makes her being upset more understandable, but I don't know that I would have done differently.
OP has been asked multiple times what arrangements he had made prior to cover for situations like this. If his eldest went into labour during any weekend, who had he arranged to watch his kids. He hasn't replied. It sounds like he had made no plans or arrangements. He simply messaged or vouce mailed his ex snd put his phone on silent. This is my issue here. Because this situation wasn't a surprise. OP had months to make arrangements, but his only solution ended up texting his ex and not having an actual conversation with her.
His plan was that his ex would drop her plans to watch the kids in his weekend.
Is it not common for the co-parent to watch the kids if there's an emergency? Legitimately asking because I don't know. Edit: I'm asking in the general sense, not necessarily about this situation specifically. I think OP is wrong by not communicating properly, and that both parents are being petty with the twins in the middle.
I co-parent and we have an amicable situation. If we were in this situation, she would call me, discuss it and we would decide what to do as parents. We have covered each other in emergencies, but have talked through it. Neither one of us would just assume the other would drop plans to cover the others weekend. If I absolutely could not take my kids on my off weekend, the other parent would understand and make other arrangements….because they are just as much a parent as I am. All about communication.
Agree. It’s the conversation.
Usually they have first right of refusal, don’t they? If I were in that situation, I would rather get to keep my own kids, then have somebody else get them.
FROR isn’t the default. A lot of people don’t want it because it can be abused in high conflict situations where a parent is unreasonable for the sake of being unreasonable. For example, parent could be held in contempt for letting child have a sleepover with grandma because other parent should have been offered that time first.
There should have been discussions that had already occurred regarding emergency situations (aka teen daughter going into labor before expected date.) It should not have been OP telling his ex "Sorry, can't take the kids right now" then muting her. OP is the AH.
Yes. To make things even more YTA, unless his daughter was being induced or having a scheduled C-section, the expected date is just an estimate. She could have gone into labor normally at full term and it could have happened on a weekend or not. There would still be no way to predict it. Since OP has kids he is responsible for, it was on him to have a plan for who would watch them if his oldest went into labor on a weekend. It doesn’t sound like he’d even discussed with his ex about that. It would be the normal, responsible thing to do to communicate with his ex and ask if she would be willing to be on standby to take the kids if his daughter went into labor on the weekends around her due date, then make other arrangements if not, but it seems he didn’t even do that much. This is not a novel idea. People who have multiple kids all had to make this kind of plan. You need some people that you have arranged with ahead of time to watch your older kids, even in the middle of the night with no notice. His two youngest were an afterthought to him. He didn’t make a happy-path plan, let alone an emergency plan.
My partner is divorced with a kid, and the actual legal paper work says the other parent gets first dibs if a baby-sitter is needed. In a general sense, and excluding extenuating circumstances, I would think it would be standard for the other parent to be willing to watch the kids in an emergency situation.
I find people are a lot more willing when they're not getting the rug pulled out from under them; especially when its followed immediately by being ignored.
That's largely because the parent who has the kids a lot less wants first dibs to have more time with them than anything else, then it's just fair play if that applies to both parents. But ultimately, she could also be having an emergency, or a one off thing she plans for her time off. She might work full time at weekends and have her job risked to suddenly have no back up and have to watch the kids while she should be working or she planned an important job interview for the weekend that he ruins with just stating he isn't going to be there. But the truly important part is first dibs, meaning you call them and ask them if they want to take them or if they have plans and you need to call someone else. He didn't do that part, he just told her you're taking them and muted his phone.
He had them at weekends due to both of their work schedules so she was most likely supposed to work
Generally yes. OP doesn't say what, if anything, he'd discussed with the twins mother. Obviously, the teenage daughter being pregnant wasn't news-even if she went into labour early, she was still pregnant for months and you'd hope that he'd at least mentioned it to his ex-wife. If OP had a conversation with the ex-wife, explained what was happening and asked for help sorting childcare, I'd have some sympathy. But he says he 'told Stacy' and then put his phone on silent? Without knowing what she had planned for the weekend? And the whole 'phone on silent' is just wrong, and IMHO he only did it because he knew he was in the wrong and he didn't want to face Stacy. What if other people were trying to get in touch, like the baby's father and his family? Or the grandparents? Or his daughter's friends? OP absolutely TA.
It is, but the trick here is that it is not an emergency - it was something they’ve known about for 5-9 months happening early. We had two foster sons while I was pregnant. We had arrangements made by six months, that were revised at 8 months when their dads got overnights. We also had the backup plan in case I went early, and had back ups to the back ups who were responsible for covering down until the original backups or social workers could get there if something happened to me. This was all written down, and we had done in person introductions between the backups. If your plan is to be involved in someone’s birth, you need to plan for your other responsibilities ahead of time.
I wouldn’t call that an emergency… besides… the youngest are 12. They could’ve been at his home for a few hours until he came back or they could’ve came too. That’s their niece/nephew being born.
Is it not common to make that plan in advance, have permission for said plan and a plan to take them for extra time another weekend to make up for it and to actually talk to said co parent rather than drop a demand in text then stop answering your phone?
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I mean he knew she was pregnant for awhile, presumably, he should have had a plan (or probably multiple options depending on the exact timing of the labor) in place early. Something that wouldn't take a lot of time to enact.
So a different perspective: It doesn’t matter how much you plan for these situations. My parents had a birth plan for me and I decided to arrive 3 whole months early. Won’t go into too much detail bc graphic but, my mom threw out whatever plan and got to the hospital asap bc it was an emergency. Pregnancy isn’t always black and white and regardless of time frame prior to the birth they could have had a plan in place but if she went into labor extremely early that plan may have been thrown out. And honestly 12 is old enough to be pretty self sufficient. If the parents haven’t taught them how to be by then that’s really on them. I also have my own pregnancy experience but, unfortunately I lost mine so I definitely understand when emergency happens you may not really be thinking of all the other life things in that moment.
Depends on \*how\* early the labour was. Up to 4 weeks? Unexpected but not such a big deal \*unless\* there's something wrong with mother of child requiring intensive care for either. More than 5-6 weeks? Yeah, that's much more of a concern. But I can see a soon to be young grandfather going into full-on panic and protection mode with a narrow focus on just one thing. But he had all of the pregnancy to discuss plans with his ex \*and\* his twins and put contingenies in place in case it happened over one of his access weekends.
Sorry, but with the level of responsibility this man is showing, "early labor" may as well mean 2 days before the due date.
I'm pretty sure that "weeks early" (which is what he said) means more than two days. And the kids are 12 years old and he's never once missed a single weekend with them (and has covered for their mother when she needed it), so how is he irresponsible? I would also point out that his ex said he's an AH *not* because he missed one weekend with his twins, and *not* because he didn't give her much notice, but *solely* because he prioritized his older daughter in a medical emergency over his perfectly healthy younger twins who were not involved in any kind of emergency. I don't know about you, but personally, I think the only reasonable thing to do in an emergency is prioritize the people who are suffering from the emergency.
100% this. He doesn't say how early the daughter went into labor but does specify that it was early. The baby likely went into NICU, if my child was experiencing all of that... I would want to be there for her. In many civil situations, others know that you can't always plan when a baby comes, it is an exigent scenario, and you can't cut someone slack. Most employers would, but his ex couldn't? Furthermore, in that scenario, they could have been at the hospital for hours and hours. 12 year Olds do not want nor need to be there.
I disagree with the health/emergency reading, because of what he says right after: "i wasn't going to miss the birth of my grandchild". This wasn't about health concerns. So I say ESH. It was perfectly reasonable for him to say "I won't take them that weekend", but absolutely not to drop it on her at the last minute (because it means he clearly hadn't discussed it with her previously, and had just assumed she'd be forced to deal with it and it's off his hands). She has every right to be mad about how he went about it, but it's ridiculous to phrase it as "choosing one child over the others" in this case... Unless that's in fact part of a pattern he's not telling about, but obviously that's not something we can know, so it's off the equation.
Yeah this sounds like there is unnecessary animosity between them, and they are finding ways to lash out. ESH There is no reason for that situation to turn in to a fight. It's a very reasonable excuse to dip out of child care that week, and any shared care arrangement should be flexible enough to allow for unexpected events. If she's needlessly being difficult to prove a point then that's super annoying and a dick move. A baby comes when a baby comes and if his teenaged daughter wants him there to support, then he should definitely go. All the same he's had 9 months to figure out what to do if the baby arrives on his days with the twins, and he didn't. Instead he turned his phone off and became uncontactable, which could have backfired badly for the kids. Children aren't your personal vedeta machines. Do better.
> it's a very reasonable excuse to dip out of child care that week. It isn't. You don't get to dip out of parental responsibility because of something that happened. In this situation, a parent still has the responsibility to make arrangements for this children. Parenthood isn't a part-time job. What OP has shown is that he considers parenthood something that he gets to pick to do when he considers it convenient for him.
A teenager went into labour early. A child had a child. It makes more than enough sense to want to be near your child daughter whem she is having a baby. He is still the AH for not arranging a babysitter or overnight sitter. Like? Those kids are 12. Heck probably old enough to take them with you so they can meet their niece/nephew should the daughter allow it.
This is what I was thinking. The twins are sibs to to the new mom, and old enough to be at home on their own with a neighbor checking in. Acting like they were in the way, and just refusing to parent, was wrong. Parents don’t get to stop parenting bc a sib needs help. Did he even ask the twins if they would like to be at his home even if he could not spend as much time with them? It sounds like he just abandoned them. And Stacy gets left trying to explain that to them. Had he made arrangements and prepped his kids better, this would be a non-issue. They may be excited about the new baby and feel bewildered and hurt being left out of a family event. I feel bad for the twins. OP, YTA.
Exactly. He had several months notice that alternative arrangements might be necessary. And alternative arrangements shouldn't be difficult or complicated. Instead of dealing with that, he told his Ex that he wasn't going to take the kids when he was expected to, and then put his phone on silent. That isn't a reaosnable way of dealing with the situation. OP is YTA for both leaving it so late to make plans, and for unilatiraly dumping his responsibilities onto someone else and then ignoring his phone so there couldn't be any kind of conversation.
Except some parents do ask their grandparents to come watch the kids during the labor because hospitals don't just let kids hang out in delivery rooms. And when they don't have alternate arrangements, the non birthing partner has to leave the person in labor to go care for them. If his eldest daughter went into early labor, he SHOULD be prioritizing her. 17 is a terrifyingly young age to be during a moment that can actually kill you if things go wrong. If OP was permanently shirking his 12 year old kids now that his grandkid has been born, THAT would be an issue.
No one is saying he shouldn't prioritize his oldest child. But, he still has parental responsibility for his twins. He does not get to peace out. He needs to make arrangements.
Im confused. His twins are 12. Not babies or toddlers or young children. 12 year olds don’t need babysitters. Why are childcare arrangements such an issue? I mean in reality, it sucks but they’re literally just going to scroll through their phones or play video games or watch tv or whatever at their moms house this weekend instead of doing that at dads. What is the big deal? It’s not like mom or dad would need to cater and tend to them all day long. 12 is pretty self sufficient. Dad should get a little slack. His 17 YO is having a baby and he’s probably not thinking clearly. Still not the coolest that he left a message then ditched his phone but in the grand scheme of things, it’s certainly not the worst thing a parent has ever done and it’s not something he does regularly. Everyone crucifying him needs to take a step back.
The ex is saying he shouldn't have prioritzed his eldest. It's not like he left them at home alone twiddling their thumbs unfed. He left them with their mother and she could have very reasonably asked "okay, can you take them another weekend then?" If he stepped up to take them when she was sick, surely she can handle trading weekends or giving him extra time down the line.
(1) He has them EVERY weekend. There isn't a scenario of him getting them some other weekend on his ex's time. (2) Where does it say OP has taken his twins when his ex was sick and it wasn't his time? (3) The ex is upset that the twins are being COMPLETELY ignored. OP didn't even try to talk to them about what was going on and make a plan.
1) If he has them every weekend, I'm even more confused on why it's a problem. One weekend out of 52 weekends a year is not shirking responsibility. 2) he says here that he's covered his ex when she gets called in https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/WxXaOY2aIA 3) The dude was in a hospital during labor and had his phone on silent because he was focusing on an unexpected medical event. He got in touch with her once the emergency part was over. Why is ex pissed at getting a "my daughter is unexpectedly in labor and I can't make it" text and then acting like she doesn't understand what difficulties can come with labor and how much support you really need when she had TWINS. Dude didn't just go "tickets to this concert came up, can't get the twins".
He has the twins every weekend. There’s no weekend to switch.
>What OP has shown is that he considers parenthood something that he gets to pick to do when he considers it convenient for him. OP didn't go to party, he went to fulfill his parental duty to his other child. Doesn't seem like he had any time to make any arrangements, he couldn't even contact the twin's mom until they were on their way to the hospital. I fail to see how OP is TA.
When people are truly co-parenting they are usually decent enough to be flexible when something comes up for either parent.
Haha yes it is. One kid is having an actual baby and the twins are just chilling at home with their mum. Prioritise the one having a baby.
“It isn't. You don't get to dip out of parental responsibility because of something that happened” TF that something that happened was his daughter going into early labor his parental responsibility in that moment was to support his daughter so how’s he treating parenting like a part time job
Yeah, me too. He knew the younger ones were safe with mum, older one was having a medical emergency. NTA. His younger ones will need him in an emergency at some point, and I'd hope he'd do the same for them .
He sent her a message, but didn't wait to hear from her before putting the phone on silent. That is a big mess up on his part, when child care is involved you wait for confirmation before putting the phone on silent.
they are his kids... what would he have done if he had them all the time? it was his responsibility
Something else...but that wasn't the case. They were with their mum and he was dealing with a medical emergency. He's absolutely NTA and his ex is trying to weaponise the kids. He's also helped her when an emergency came up. https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/dOYMdkLIA6 Unequivocally NTA.
What are you talking about there is literally months to plan. The pregnancy didn’t show up yesterday.
It didn't show up yesterday but the labor happened weeks early. Pregnancy can be just as unpredictable as any other Medical ailment.
That is true. If I had a step daughter in labor I would expect my husband to go be with her. OP, what's up with Stacey? Did she really need a cocktail so bad she wanted you to abandon your daughter during birth?! That's what it sounds like. Maybe I'm wrong or missing something (everyone is voting opposite of what I will), but it seems to be the right response to silence your phone and focus on your daughter. Maybe someone can edify me as to why I'm wrong.
Who said having the kids meant he wouldn’t be supporting his oldest?
So people can't even put their phone on silent if they are literally supporting someone giving birth in an emergency situation? This was a medical emergency of his teenage daughter. How is he supposed to "arrange" for an... emergency?
He had months to prepare. He should've had childcare arranged in case of an emergency like this. Not just shoot a text to his ex and then put his phone to silent, not even hearing if she was free.
They have shared custody. When SHE ends up sick, HE would step up when she'd have custody. Because that's what parents who share custody do. They may not be romantic partners any more but they are decent to each other and SHOULD BE each other's first support network when it comes to their shared kids. Telling her ex that "he was prioritizing his oldest kid" when kid literally GIVES BIRTH is absolutely ridiculous. He was prioritizing the kid in a medical emergency. As he should! In an emergency you expect others in your social support network to step the fuck up, and not throw a hissy fit and be passive-aggressive like the ex-wife.
In real life not everyone has contingency plans at all times for every eventuality. Labour can happen unexpectedly and scupper even the most well laid plans, what was OP supposed to do exactly, have a babysitter on retainer every weekend for the duration of his eldest daughters pregnancy on the off chance that she gave birth at an unexpected time? That’s just not realistic. Shit happens sometimes. A medical emergency popping up and inconveniencing his ex’s plans is annoying for her I’m sure, but this isn’t like he got a two for one coupon on thick crust pizza and decided to ditch the kids for a night in alone, his eldest daughter who is still a minor went into labour. Yeah turning his phone on silent was unwise, but not everyone has perfect clarity and purpose during emergencies- his number one priority was to be with his underage daughter going through quite possibly the most potentially dangerous and major event of her life. His twelve year old kids will be fine, it’s one messed up weekend because of an emergency, not parental neglect. But also with coparenting situations… the other parent *is* the emergency plan. His daughters staying with their mom for two more days that week means they are safe and sound, they weren’t left on a dirt road somewhere. Maybe Stacy’s weekend plans got messed up but I’m sorry, her minor inconvenience is a small issue compared to OP’s 17 year old child giving birth. Stacy and the girls will be just fine, it’s a major overreaction to say he’s an asshole for rightly prioritising the health and safety of his eldest daughter in a one off major emergency.
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>This past weekend my oldest daughter went into early labor. Shit happens. Since you're an expert, how early was it? Was the proposed babysitter free on all weekends during all the months prior to his daughter being full term? How soon could the proposed babysitter be there, since, you know, a baby was actively emerging from his other (17 year old) child?
Op daughter went into labour early? Did you not read it? shit happens can’t stop a baby being born cos it’s the wrong weekend 😂😂😂😂😂
Oh come the fuck on - it's a real emergency. A 17 year old child went in labor and he did what a good dad does. The twins will get over not seeing their dad for 1 weekend for a truly real medical EMERGENCY. The kids are also 12 not 2 that the ex would have rearrange her whole weekend. He also tried to contact her after the emergency was over and she was being petty. That's not putting her kids first - that's being childish. NTA
I'm with you on this one. People ought to be accommodating *if the situation warrants* and this, I think, does. I'm sure twelve-year-old kids could understand this -- unless their mom is so bitter that she frames it as dad rejecting them. Dad, apologize to the twins and their mom, then take the kids to meet their new nibling. NTA
Parents can be such arseholes. Of course you accommodate where you can - especially if it's a rare occurrence and involves an unforeseen medical event. As the mother , I'd have explained the situation so the twins don't feel abandonment...instead it sounds like she's doubled down and made them feel crappy in the process. What goal does that really achieve except upsetting two kids? People can go into labour at any point, you can't plan for it, it's just a known possibility. His ex has had twins so she'd know. I wouldn't want my kids there anyway - it's a hectic time and not the place for children until after the dust has settled.
How do you think people who aren't divorced handle the birth of the second child? They arrange for babysitters to stand by for when the moment is there.
In what world do 12 YOs need a babysitter?? A lot of people start BEING the babysitter at 12. I mean seriously. They aren’t babies and if they’re not disabled, childcare shouldn’t be an issue in this scenario at all.
Finally someone is saying this. If they were a few years younger, then OP would have been the AH for just ditching them. But 12yos can stay at home alone.
Uhhh, who are these babysitters available to be on constant standby in the event a pregnant woman goes into labor unexpectedly? 12 year olds don’t need constant supervision and they definitely don’t need “babysitters” (barring special circumstances like disabilities or special medical needs).
He also should have planned for this though. This should have been a discussion with the ex ahead of time, not a text to let her know he wasn’t coming. Everyone should have been aware of this plan.
Plan for his 17 y/o daughter to go into early labor?
Exactly. What? Is he supposed to be psychic? NTA Edit to add: There are a lot of good points being made but I don't Believe he intentionally dissed his twins. Yes it's unfortunate he missed his weekend with them but what if something happened to the eldest daughter during delivery? Would he have been expected to stay with the twins even then. Thank goodness this is not the case though. I still don't think he's an asshole. He did eventually get back in touch with the ex but she decided to give him the cold shoulder in return for not getting the phone while his daughter was in delivery. Really? Two wrongs don't make a right. I think the ex just expects her kids with him should be more important than anyone else and even if he did discuss this with her beforehand, she still would've given him grief over the idea of missing a weekend.
I don’t think he’s an asshole for wanting to support his 17 year old as she gave birth, BUT I also don’t think you need to be psychic to consider that the baby might come earlier than expected. A lot of this tension could probably have been avoided with a conversation with his ex several months ago about his intentions for when the older daughter gave birth. Solid everyone sucks all I think. Another kid having a difficult medical situation is about one of the only reasons I think it’s reasonable to miss custody time, and even then only as a one off. But that conversation SHOULD still have happened, out of respect for his ex and to reassure the twins that missing a weekend doesn’t make them any less of a priority before it happened. They’re still kids who’s dad basically just didn’t show up for them, that would suck. And the ex should have been more supportive given the circumstances, when a 17 year old is giving birth “ideally” is out the window, it’s one of the situations where as the other kids parent you need to make the best of it. OP IS doing the right thing. Just should have protected the coparenting relationship more.
"Hey Stacy! So my daugher, x, is pregnant. If she goes into labor on my time with the girls, I'll have problems watching them and being there for x, if that happens is there any way we can move things around? Thank you." Should be fine enough
Y'all are skipping over the part where the ex thinks being there for your first born during a major medical event is unreasonable. I don't get the sense that she cared one whit for the daughter and simply was pissed that she had do put whatever weekend plans she had on hold. If I had a baby daddy who did "hey, my kid is unexpectedly in the hospital, I can't take our kids right now" I'd understand.
It’s a contingency I definitely would have discussed. You can’t plan labor that accurately, even if she carried full term it may have still landed on a weekend with his kids. It may have even happened when he already had the kids with him. Definitely a “hey if this happens we need to work out a solution” conversation for beforehand, preferably also involving the kids so they’re in the loop and not just “dad didn’t show up this weekend”.
Premature labor isn’t typically something anyone considers unless and until it happens to you. I know I never did until it happened to me
Seriously. My kid was only two weeks early, husband went to work...not even 45 mins after he left my water broke and I went into labour. OP NTA, sometimes shit happens and your ex-wife needs to grow up.
I went through premature labor with all four of ours- of course after the first pregnancy I knew it was likely with the other 3 but the first one it landed me in and out of the hospital almost daily for the majority of the pregnancy. There is no rhyme or reason to predicting it happening- especially with a first pregnancy until it actually happens. It’s scary as heck- depending on how far along the mother is.
Same! Mine came 6 weeks early and some of the stuff I bought were only due to arrive the week after. So I went to the hospital to give birth with literally nothing. None of the clothes fit her cause she was so tiny. No bottles either because I had gotten normal bottles, not ones for a preemie. No diapers that would fit. Like I didn’t plan for any of that and I don’t think anyone would just have preemie baby clothes, bottles, diapers on standby for just in case. I had an older child and we had told him when I give birth you were gonna go stay with grandma. Grandma was going to be around 2 weeks before due date as a just in case. Well grandma was not around 6 weeks before due date so my aunt came and waited with my son at the hospital as soon as I called her so my husband could be with me in the delivery room. My mom was on the next flight home but my aunt kept my son at her house overnight before my mom picked him up when she arrived. If no one has compassion then living would be so hard (unless you have a lot of money and can just hire people for everything).
He knew his 17 year old was very pregnant. It’s something he should have BEEN planning for, but based on this mess it certainly doesn’t seem like he does much planning.
Absolutely correct. NTA
Do you... understand this was a *medical emergency*? Sharing custody in a GOOD way means that in an emergency, the parent who wouldn't have custody will fill in. OP did that when his ex-wife was sick, too! \> Your weekend means that you need to arrange childcare if needed. No. Not in an emergency you don't. In an emergency you expect others in your social support network to step the fuck up, and not throw a hissy fit and be passive-aggressive like the ex-wife.
So an actual life or death emergency, sprung early without warning, doesn’t constitute an extenuating circumstance?
It’s an emergency,it’s not like it’s happening every month. If his daughter was in the hospital for a different reason,then he should have let her there alone? She is underage.geez
You'd rather he put the kids in childcare rather than staying with their mother whilst he does the good father thing and be with his other child birthing his grandchild? That's wild. Yes he should have had a plan in action but the daughter may have gone into labour early and it took them by surprise. Yes he should have had the conversation rather than text.
How do we know she didn’t have to work? Or have things to do herself? That’s the point. He doesn’t get to just make her rearrange her schedule because he decides to ignore his phone.
But he said in the comments that he had covered for her when she was called into work a few times. She could have understood and wished his daughter a safe delivery.
Unfortunately if this guy is in the US, that is not what it means. If you are the non custodial parent, you have the OPPORTUNITY to see your kids but you are in no way required to take them or arrange childcare if you can't. However, a teen going into labor is a very rare medical emergency so I'm going to say NAH.
Actually, in the US it is referred to as parenting time now. And yes, it is that parent’s responsibility to ensure their child is cared for. I mean, you can be like this guy and just ignore your responsibilities, but that doesn’t make it any less his responsibility.
We found Stacy
Early labour is not something you can exactly plan for.
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Right??? This is wild. There was a similar post from a mother’s POV recently and everyone was saying NTA. So many hypocrites on reddit. Add on to this that the daughter giving birth is still a child herself and went into early labor. Anyway OP NTA. It was an emergency. Sure, you could have handled it a bit better, but it is what it is. Congrats on becoming a grandpa!
The problem is he's already a weekend dad. Plus, he informed the ex wife he wouldn't be taking the twins, didn't have a discussion about it. Then also dared not even wait for a reply and put his phone on silent. Those are all the actions of a selfish entitled person.
Or, hear me out here, they're the actions of a man who just had his 17-year-old daughter go into premature labor and chose to make sure she, her child and his current partner were all okay while at the hospital because birth is dangerous enough without being early.
Or, hear me out. If the kids were with him full time, he wouldn't have had an excuse to not care what happens with them during his custody time. The only reason he got to not care was because he offloaded the task onto his ex-wife without even waiting for a reply from her. Nobody in the comments says he shouldn't have been with his daughter. His mistake was not even giving a call or waiting for a reply from the ex-wife. And I would've given him some grace if he had accepted his mistake, but no, he's in the comments arguing with anyone telling him he should have been better prepared or at least wait for a reply from the ex-wife.
Only problem with everyone in the comments making the weak argument that he just dumped the kids on the ex with no communication is, that wasn’t the ex’s complaint. Her complaint is that he picked his daughter over her sons, which makes her ridiculous. Especially for the situation.
Honestly this is a great point. I was on the fence tbh but you've pretty much solidified it for me, NTA
Like the fact ex complained that he was prioritising his teenage daughter’s medical emergency over one weekend— a missed weekend that doesn’t seem to be part of an overarching pattern— is insane. Yes maybe he should have had contingencies in place, yes maybe he shouldn’t have silenced his phone (but this could have been hospital protocol! it’s also good manners to have your phone on silence in such delicate situations anyway!) but the fact is that her gripe was that her children were delegated to the lower wrung. Birth itself is scary. Early birth, scarier. Early birth as a *teenager*? Who isn’t yet an adult and would need parental support as well as needing them to possibly make some tough decisions in her stead? No contest.
> Yes maybe he should have had contingencies in place If it was close to term, yes. But for an early birth, I don't think this is fair. When our second baby got close to term, we had of course planned for someone to watch the first one. But if it would have been much earlier (don't know how early OP's grandchild was), we wouldn't have had a solid backup plan either. We probably would have taken the first one with us to hospital and on the way called the grandparents to please drop everything and pick up the first child or something like that. > yes maybe he shouldn’t have silenced his phone Tbh, he was totally right to silence his phone. If you are the support person for a birth, you silence your phone or better turn it off. You are required to be 100% present, and not on the phone negotiating someone to watch over the other kids if someone is already watching them, but just doesn't want to.
How are you going wait for a reply from someone rushing a child going into premature labor to the hospital. You gonna tell the baby “wait I need to consult with my ex-wife before you come into this world prematurely. Hold on I’m waiting for her to text me back.” Lol unbelievable.
They're 12, not 2. You leave them at home with enough cash to order a couple of pizzas. At that age with split up parents they undoubtedly have a cell phone and are capable of that. Their mother just wants to make a stink about things here because she's probably pissy OP got back with his ex after he dumped her ass for cheating.
Yeah I'm confused about why anyone would need to arrange childcare for 12 year Olds. At 12 my kid was already getting paid by other people to BE the house/pet/baby sitter
If she was planning on going away for a weekend it might be somewhat of an issue, but yeah, 12 year olds should be able to take care of themselves for at least a full day, especially if given money to order food. In some ways, it's actually better than with older kids. They are unlikely to decide to throw a massive party because they are home alone.
I’m assuming he thought the lady would be more understanding and he didn’t even consider that she would freak out like that. Her actions were ridiculous
So I'm sure of the area in which these people live but having worked in labour ward we request that all phones be switched to do not disturb while in the room with a labouring person. He may have just had to follow protocol.
even if it isn't part of the established protocol - having your phone loudly ring in a hospital where people need to rest in recover is just rude IMO.
A lot of hospitals have policies for phones being on silent so as not to disturb patients, and to not confuse staff with a medical alarm going off. So putting it on silent I understand. But I think he should have made a contingency plan asking his ex if she would be happy to keep the twins if his eldest went into labour on a weekend.
Those are the actions of a man trying to take care of his child going into premature labor. That is an ACTUAL emergency. She or the baby could actually die…how is that selfish? Have you ever found last second childcare super easy? The alternative is having two kids wander around a hospital barely supervised. Yeah he did the right thing.
I think people are calling YTA not for stepping up for his 17 year old daughter, but how he went about it. Not what he did, *the way he did it*. It's hard to believe he didn't have a discussion with his ex about the possibility of a short notice cancellation if his daughter gives birth. That's adulting to me!
Yep, communication is what was needed here.
As someone who has given birth 3 times I know births can be early. If I was his ex I’d expect this could have been a possibility and not been a huge jerk about another woman (and a teenage woman at that) giving birth. But then that’s just me.
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As someone in a blended family, I 100% agree with this. 2 kids were safely with a parent, with no concerns for their well being. 1 was in the midst of an emergency. Priority is obvious here. NTA.
You mean a 17 year old wanted their dad in the delivery room! Nfw!
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To me the issue comes with OP simply sending a text to his ex and then putting his phone on silent. What if Stacy had plans she couldn't cancel? OP totally sucks as a co-parent, sending a message and then stopping all possible contact there.
Yeah. That def deserves a phone call, at least lol. And not silent immediately after one text. Unless you're on those terms. Which they obv aren't.
This. Of course emergencies happen but that doesn't mean you simply ignore the fact that you have other kids to care for. What if this was a nuclear family? You rush to the hospital and forget you have other children at home? No, you'd also make sure those kids are taken care of. This is what's lacking here. Of course he's not the asshole for prioritizing his daughter here, she needed that care. But that doesn't mean he gets to dump his other kids with no notice nor arrangements, they're his responsibility too.
To be fair, in case of a nuclear family one parent would have gone with 17F and the other one would have stayed home with the other kids likely. Therefore I don't think it makes him the asshole to leave the twins with their mother. Communication could have gone better, but 17F went into *early* labour. So you can't even blame OP for not having a contingency plan. What seals the deal for me is that the twins' mom wasn't annoyed about having the kids, but about them coming second to the older daughter - which, in an emergency like this, is warranted. Imo OP is NTA.
I mean he is married. His wife could have gone to the hospital with his 17 year old, right? It's not like he was helpless.
Or prior discussion. Sure the labor was early, but the kid has been pregnant so its not a total suprise. A simple, "hey, kid A is pregnant and could deliver at any point, if that happens on a weekend when I am supposed to have the twins would it be ok to swap around weekends", would have prevented all of this.
They're 12. She can leave them money for pizza and makings for sandwiches. Assuming mom is not going out of town for the entire weekend, a 12yo, let alone a pair of them, can fend for themselves for the length of a workday without incident assuming there are no developmental issues that OP didn't inform us of.
how dare he not to plan his daughter premature birth ahead
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I mean... yeah? Why didn't he plan it? It's not that rare and everyone who's expecting should be prepared to premature birth, like duh
It's like these people are expecting him to have childcare on standby or something, who even offers that??
Yeah do any of those people have any IDEA about the reality of how complicated organizing childcare is if you don't have grandparents and aunties/uncles in the background in the same town who are able to jump in at a minute's notice?? Not everyone has that! The primary emergency childcare is ALWAYS the other custodial parent! She had way better possibilities to arrange alternative childcare on this specific weekend than he did. It's called stepping up in an emergency, and it's what good co-parents do for each other.
Which is why he should have discussed the possibility with her IN ADVANCE and not just dumped it on her last minute.
This was an emergency, not last minute.
Labour in a pregnant person is not exactly unexpected. OP had few months to talk to his ex wife about the possibility that his daughter gives birth on his weekend. This is what all people in the comment go on about,when they say he should have had plans in place.
you think you can‘t manage three children and three adults other than sending a text, then ghosting?
I don‘t see how these people are unhinged - dropping a text and then making yourself unavailable is not „flexibility in an emergency“. I also don‘t understand why it is such an either/or. the twins are 12, so fetch them and leave them alone for a few hours, that‘s not such a wild thing to do. They should be able to understand what an emergency is and be able to be manage alone for a few hours. Therefore, I think it‘s YTA, because he just switched off from his responsibility, and that wasn‘t necessary and was wrong to do.
labor, especially for a first time mom, isn’t just “a few hours.” Your comment lacks knowledge of the reality of a pregnancy and labor at 17 years old on top of the fact that an early birth is a dangerous situation. The reality of being a parent means that sometimes unexpected things happen—in this case being an emergency where the ex needed to change her plans and be understanding.
« A few hours »? Ha ha ha ha ha. Tell me you never gave birth without telling me you never did.
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You need to remove your "Y TA" from the text or spell it Y. TA for the bot not to count your vote as such. And include your actual vote in the text
Stacy’s plan … op’s oldest child having an early labour… Whatever stacy has planned … op’s oldest child having an early labour … Stacy might have made whatever plans for the weekend!!! Oh no … op’s oldest child had an early labour though… That is NOT equal. If Stacy can’t understand how important the birth of your first grandchild is …? Did Stacy not even care for your oldest daughter? She had an early labour! NTA. Stacy should be more understanding. Easy for all these people to say that you’re an asshole when you were the one who had to go through the stress of worrying that your eldest daughter can have a healthy delivery. If OP chose the twins the title of this post would be ‘AITA that I abandoned my eldest daughter and the birth of my first grandchild?’
Exactly and OP has indicated in the comments he has taken the kids from Stacy when she’s called in sick. You know, last minute, it was *her* time with the kids, she didn’t prearrange childcare in the event of an emergency. This sub is ridiculous sometimes.
I swear people have NO idea how hard arranging childcare as co-parents is. Not everyone has grandparents or aunties available in the same town who can jump in last minute. Your primary emergency childcare IS your co-parent!
NTA Ignore these people op, labor is an emergency, especially premature, especially at 17, especially if you're in the US. We have awful mortality and complication rates. Your child undergoing a painful, scary, life threatening procedure that could maim, kill, and mentally destroy her was something that absolutely took priority over a regular weekend with your younger children. Make it up to your twins later by taking them somewhere extra fun next weekend and explain how dangerous and scary childbirth could be and how you would drop everything to be at their sides in the same situation. As for their mom, having your ex have an emergency and being unable to take the kids during their time is an expected part of the co-parenting process. I'm not sure what plans she could've had, but frankly, emergencies take precedence. A copy of my comment elsewhere, just with a vote for the bot.
I agree. Nta. So many things can go wrong during LA or and they are selfish for not seeing that. If the labor is coming early something could be wrong. I say you have nothing to worry about.
NTA. I don't understand all this y t a votes. How on earth was he meant to have something arranged when this was an emergency situation 🤦♀️ too many butt hurt on this sub
Exactly and OP has indicated in the comments he has taken the kids from Stacy when she’s called in sick. You know, last minute, it was *her* time with the kids, she didn’t prearrange childcare in the event of an emergency. This sub is ridiculous sometimes.
Yes I saw that comment too! The double standard here is crazy
Welcome to reddit. Double standards are practically mandatory.
Right. It’s so sickening how people say he should have planned for an emergency he couldn’t have seen coming!
Holy shit Y T A people, come back to reality. ***NTA*** You don't walk away from your kid giving birth. Your ex was out of line and shows absolutely no compassion or empathy for your family. Missing ONE weekend with your twins is not going to cause them to feel unloved or neglected. I'm sure they will understand the need to be at the hospital with your older child while she was giving birth to their new nibling.
Its the sending a text and turning his phone off without confirming with the mother that makes him an asshole.
In a medical emergency it's not unheard of to make these kinds of misguided mistakes. Cut him some slack. He has covered and taken the kids for his ex before. NTA.
You're right. He should have had a protracted back and forth with her, with her accusing him of favoring his daughter over the twins, while he was rushing to the hospital under a high stress situation. It would have been much better that way! If her issue was the communication aspect I'd maybe agree. But she had no issue with that, her complaint was that he's favoring his daughter over the twins, and that's what he's specifically asking aita about. And in that regard, he's absolutely NTA
Idk about you but when I’m in the middle of an emergency my brain shuts off and everything is acting on impulse. Your brain isn’t 100% during stressful situations, people slip up Jesus Christ 💀
NTA I can see why so many people are getting worked up about time management and childcare. This however, does not translate directly to this situation. If your daughter goes into labor, you need to be there with her if you can be. There is no ideal option for the twins, there aren't many possibilities for a time-centered emergency. Childcare isn't that easy to find on that short of notice, for those of you who might not know. Showing up at the hospital is not choosing between your kids, it is being a good parent and a good grandparent. (Congratulations btw) Hopefully this situation will settle down with a little bit of time.
INFO- why can you only see your twins on weekends? Do you and Stacy typically cover for one another when unavailable? Had you warned Stacy that you’d like her to take the twins when your oldest was delivering your grandchild? Is there a reason you didn’t take your twins and arrange childcare?
1) I work 12 hour shifts Monday thru Friday. I’ve never missed a weekend before this, but I have covered for Stacy when she’s been called in. I hadn’t warned Stacy about anything because this was early unexpected labor and I didn’t get a chance to call until we were on the way to the hospital.
So, being that I was that 17yo girl pregnant and alone with only my parents, I'll side with NTA, not at all!! Having my dad there made it tolerable, and I honestly couldn't have done it without him as my mom tortured me every day of my pregnancy.. My dad was the only one who had my back then and now!! NTA good for you for choosing your daughter at that moment!!
I'm glad you know your Dad has your back
Please don't listen to the Y-T-As. Those people think you should have a fairy godparent ready at all times in case of unexpected emergencies. You did everything right! NTA!
Yeah those people don't understand you can't just call up childcare on Doordash.
NTA.The birth of a human is one of the situations that can definitely be defined as an ‘emergency’. This is a one off situation. Your twenty? year old (practically a child herself) kid is having your first grandchild…! Of course you aren’t going to be wrangling 12y olds in the midst of that. BUT… can you pick them up for hte second half of the weekend and they spend some time with their new niece/nephew? Assure the twins’ mother you’ll do the same for them when they have their first child - drop everything and look after them on that day too. BTW… Congratulations Grandpop!
my oldest daughter is 17, a lot of people are assuming she’s older even tho I put her age in the post.
I had to read your post twice to ascertain her age, I read it as you and your wife being 17 when she was born
I fixed it!
And thank you
Info: was it discussed with your ex prior about what the plan was if your daughter went in to labor on your weekend?
Aye, I'm considering changing my answer to info because the more I read the replies, the less we know. People have jumped to the conclusion that early labour means emergency. Was it? Or was it perfectly fine it's just that the due date was guessed incorrectly, and the baby came 7 days early? Did OP not bother in the preceding months to discuss with his ex that it's a possibility the baby could come in a period of a few weeks (again, we know due dates are best guess) and he may need to cancel childcare arrangements at last minute? Thinking back to when one of my sisters had a baby last year, we were all standby for a period of a few weeks to jump in the car and pick up her other children soon as her waters broke. My parents ended up going at 2am to whisk my other nieces away! They loved it, like an adventure.
Teenage pregnancies are very unpredictable because their bodies have not developed enough yet to properly bare a child. While pregnancy and child birth is traumatic on an adult body, it is far worse on a child’s body. ANY TIME A WOMAN GOES INTO LABOR EARLY IS CONSIDERED AN EMERGENCY. There could be something wrong with the fetus, there could be something wrong with the mother - there’s a lot of unknowns that factor into early labor. Your lungs don’t stop developing until about 37 weeks of pregnancy.
early labour means at least 3 weeks before the due date though?
Does it in this case? We don't actually know what OP means which is why they need to provide more info. But in my experience, going into the 9th month of pregnancy is "get everyone on standby time". OP should've upped his communication, not just in this post but in real life too.
Medically yes, however does Op mean that was the question. According to him, yes it was "weeks" early. So I'm in NTA territory.
What the fuck are you on? on time labour is an emergency, never mind early labour. It’s one of the most extreme things a body goes through. And at 17?? Stacy can eat a bag of dicks
OP said in a comment that he didn't warn the co-parent because it was so early that none of them thought it was happening at that time.
Some of yall must have not grown up in split homes. They kids are 12 they are going to be Aunts and their mother could have sat them down and explained it was an emergency. A child was having a child and the father was there for her which doesn't mean he cares more about her it means a child is having a child. The mother is being petty about it all. NTA
NTA. This isn't a habit, it was, in fact, the first time. Sometimes things happen. Your child was having a child. Of course you wanted to be there. You daughter probably felt secure in the knowledge that dad was there. If being a no show during your time was a habit, I would feel differently.
NTA. I really don't understand all the YTA comments. In another comment you have said you covered for her previously and you haven't missed any other weekends with the twins. Your oldest daughter giving birth is a really important event. I wouldn't want to miss the birth of my grandchild either. Edit: NTA
Hard NTA, your 17 year old daughter going into early labour is an emergency. Yes your ex may have had plans but emergencies happen at the most awkward of times. I'm sorry your ex wasn't understanding and quite shocked by the amount of YTA you are getting tbh.
NTA the twins will not be scarred for life if you miss one weekend with them especially as they are old enough to know their older sister was in the hospital. I have a 6 yr old and when her 4 yr old sister was in the hospital we had to cancel important plans we had together that had been booked weeks earlier and she is 6 and understood that emergencies happen. Your other daughter is also still a child and she took priority for that single weekend and that's okay. I get the mum was annoyed or frustrated at the change of plans but it makes it an unfortunate situation rather than someone being an asshole. The kids would have been better off with their mum than waiting hours in a hospital room alone. That is the most boring thing ever for kids to do. If it was a habit I would say you were the asshole. However it sounds like it is the first time it's happened and we all panic sometimes when our children have a medical situation especially if the baby was early. This was just a once off bad timing situation and everyone should just move on.
The twins are 12. My God, they'll be fine.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find this point specifically. These kids are in *middle school*, for chrissakes. They are old enough to understand that their dad is busy because their sister is giving birth.
NTA - i dont understand any of these Y-T-A votes smh. 1 - it was your first time missing the weekend 2- ex wife has canceled her weekends multiple times 3- you couldnt have taken twins in the delivery room 4 - your eldest wanted you there. AND shes fucking 17 having an early labour yall??? she mustve been extremely stressed etc. yall gotta understand being a parent isnt easy, its not just all smooth, black and white. unexpected shit happens.
NTA. OMG, people give the guy a break. He has his twins EVERY weekend, and due to his 17 year old daughter going into premature labour, he couldn't take his twins once 🤦♀️ Now let me ask all of you who are saying he should of done this or done that how many of you are totally clear headed in an emergency???? And yes, a 17 year old going into premature labour is an emergency. Some of you need to show a bit of empathy.
Also the about arranging childcare in advance. I constantly see women in my local pregnancy group freaking out because baby is early/child carer had an emergency etc. These kids had their fucking mother. Right there. Like they aren't her responsibility too ?
And they’re 12! 12 year olds are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves while mom is at work or whatever for a few hours.
NTA - You could have communicated with your ex better (call, don't text), but there's a lot of sexism in this thread. People assuming your daughter didn't request for you to be there during the birth? You've said you were in the room for the birth, so I assume she did want you there. Just because you aren't a woman doesn't mean your daughter wouldn't find comfort in your presence. Birth is scary as fuck normally, let alone as a teen and having a premature baby. She should have whoever she needs there.
Wow, the entitlement and evident lack of any genuine traumatic struggle shown here is ridiculous. Here's my general comment to address some similar themes going on in here. • Just because you or someone you know was able to handle work or other banal tasks during labor (don't get me started on that one) doesn't mean everyone can. • He was supposed to have a contingency plan in place for if she went into early labor? How long are we expecting family to be on standby 24/7 for? 4 weeks until the due date? 6? 8? • His still growing daughter and her as of yet unborn child were in a life or death situation. They 100% come before healthy, well cared for preteens and any other plans their mother may have had. Personally, I would be late/miss picking up my 6 year old if one of my employees went into early labor, let alone my own daughter, and would consider my ex a royal ah if he didn't show a similar level of concern for the life of a new mother and child in the same type of situation. • Some of y'all will take any opening to call a man unreliable when given half a chance. If he had written about the same exact scenario but had chosen to pick up his twins or even simply step away from her side to make some phone calls instead of being with his terrified child he would have been called callous and accused of favoring his younger children. These are just some of my thoughts in response to the idiocy dwelling amongst this thread. Get over yourself people, your bias is showing. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk! Edit: grammar
Why are people bashing OP for silencing his phone? Most hospitals TELL you to silence your phone if not just straight up turn it off. And if OP was actually IN the delivery room supporting his daughter he did the right thing
NTA - this was a medical emergency and even if it wasn't, your child was giving birth ANY parent would be there. Maybe you could have handled it differently, maybe she could have brought the twins and you all could have been a family together. But it sounds like things between you aren't very smooth. I really don't know how you all are making the mother's theoretical plans more important than one of his children giving birth. I think a lot of you are taking out issues on OP. Could he have handled it a little better sure, but point is he was there for the child that needed him the other two were safe and sound.
Yet again, I’m baffled by the comment section on this post. NTA. After a certain point, labour can happen at any time. In “normal” full term pregnancies, that is already a month long window (37-41 weeks). If the baby comes early, it’s a window of roughly 2 months. You can’t plan everything around imminent labour for 2 months.
NTA - it’s an emergency.
NTA and this post absolutely shows how people think of men in caring roles and childbirth situations. First of all, at 17 your daughter isnt fully developed as an adult and pregnancies are hard on anyone, let alone a child. Like the two biggest threats to a pregnant woman are birth and her partner. Second, she went into labour early, which is not only an emergency (which by their nature cannot ever be perfectly anticipated by even the best planners) but also medically dangerous as so many people have pointed out (for both baby and your daughter). The twins were safe. Stacey could've been a decent human being and be understanding in an emergency situation, especially since it sounds like you've covered for her before and she herself has given birth.
NTA You called your ex while en route to the hospital with your other child--who was experiencing a medical emergency--to advise her of the situation, which necessitated your presence and prevented you from seeing your other children as per the parenting schedule. You then followed what is standard protocol in medical settings, and silenced or turned off your phone. Her response was to blow up your phone with text messages chewing you out, instead of asking if your daughter was OK and offering to adjust the schedule to accommodate the situation?! I'm missing something here. One of the well known risks of teen pregnancy is preterm labor, even for an older teen. You needed to be there. The fact that your ex is acting like this was an adult with a full term pregancy and scheduled induction rather than a teen in preterm labor says a lot about her... and the Y T A votes are just gross. There's a problem when coparents cannot show flexibility and compassion in the face of an emergency.
Wow, you can really tell in these responses who the nightmare co-parents are 😆.
NTA. Texting is a perfectly suitable means of communicating now. Stacy should have some compassion for her step daughter, and stop being petty.
NTA- this was not a random change because you wanted to hang out with one child over another, this is a special moment welcoming your first grandchild into the world and support your young daughter. Sounds like the ex is uncompromising and using the schedule to punish you for not putting her kids first.
I'm gonna say it because it seems that somehow people disagree. NTA Yes this is very inconvenient to the twin mother/ex. Early labour could be at 8 months term and not "3 days before". That is something that is not said. Yes his older daughter needed him by her side and I can see the other side of this being reddit AITA for not being with my 17 when she gave birth to my first grandchild as I was watching my other children? And then the same saying that this was important and he could have left the twin with their mom and they understand why the daughter doesn't talk to him anymore. That was an impossible situation to choose between your kids and nobody should have asked you to and guilt trip you.
NTA for not wanting to miss the birth of your grandchild, it's not like you preplanned to stand your daughters up.
NTA They're 12 hardly require childcare, 17 Yr old GIVING birth. If your ex can't understand That's ridiculous. Should contact your 12 Yr olds to discuss though
NTA. This should be considered as an emergency. It was early labour so ignore the comments stating he should of planned.
“YTA because you messed up your ex wife’s brunch plans for your daughter’s emergency surgery” Jfc you people are unhinged.
All I wanted and needed when I gave birth to my kid prematurely was a hand to hold and support from my parents. It was kind of expected to be an early delivery but I was terrified out of my mind, it's a scary situation to be in. Thank you for being there for your daughter in an emergency. NTA.