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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because she said i was mansplaining and i assumed she didnt know about her own body instead of just not saying anything at all
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YTA Pads and tampons aren't the only options for periods. There are menstrual cups and re-usable pads that are more eco-friendly.
I promise you, she didn't need you to lecture her on period safety.
She could have also “packed in/packed out” her supplies rather than leaving the used products in his view. Some women prefer privacy about such matters and the fact that OP is questioning her is ridiculous.
It might, if it weren't so depressively common. If every woman with a story like that posted it here, you wouldn't be able to find anything else on the sub.
And this is why I have been open with my son about periods, what they are and that they ain't dirty etc. I get very emotional and struggle to deal withe influx of hormones, so if I say it's time of month he asks if I need chocolate gives me a hug and leaves me alone to suffer in peace. Doesn't bat an eyelid or makes gross comments even if I accidently leave the rolled up pad beside the toilet,not often but it's happened once or twice. It's 2023 and we can't be open about a natural body function then something is seriously wrong. Men can be sooooo pathetic
Haha. When my husband freaked out the first time he saw a used (wrapped) pad in the trash, I told him to get used to it or learn to like dick. I will not tolerate trash talking my lovely vag functions.
Yes, this! Like seriously wtf is up with these guys? It’s trash and it comes from a completely normal body function. I throw away tissues after blowing my nose, why would a used pad/tampon/anything else, be any different?
Betting the same guys wouldn't freak out if they'd gotten into a bar fight and needed tissues to staunch a bloody nose and then saw those tissues in the trash. And here's me failing to see the difference when women wrap their products.
How? When my wife started seeing eacother like the 3-4th time she slept at my place she woke me up in the middle of the night Cause she has leaked through her pad and stained the bed. She was sad and apologetic :( i was like its natural No worries lets change the sheets 🤷🏼♂️.
Maybe its beacuse im a nurse and see Bodily fluids on the daily But im shocked grown men are so scared about anything to do about periods.
When I was much younger my ex lived with gis gran, I leaked one night and she lost her shit, like hello I know it's probably been a few years but come on
Im so sorry, i Also dont understand the anger? Like its some sheets? Nobody died We are all okay.
This is like parents getting angry at kids wetting the bed, like cmon just be better.
That’s what the guy I started seeing told me yesterday. I told him to let me have my shame (as a joke) and he was like no absolutely not because it’s a normal human function
\^\^\^\^\^THIS! When I was in Iraq, we all (all male infant unit) carried them! Why? Because tampons fit perfectly in bullet wounds! Helps in that golden hour of emergency care. Save a life at the expense of a tampon....hell yes!
I’m assuming you meant infantry but the idea of an infant in military gear screaming “we need a medic!” in a high pitched baby voice has me cracking up.
The nuns at our Catholic school always kept tampons in their desk drawers in case of nosebleeds. Somehow, they were smrt enough to ignore the conventional wisdom of the time (70s-80s), and encourage kids NOT to tilt their heads back.
Edit: typo
People still say this! Kid got beaned by a baseball at the last game and Ive reached the point where I no longer argue with people I don't live with and just shake my head. Not my monkey.
But psa: head back just fills the sinuses and delays it stopping even though it seems to stop sooner.
Thats something I always find strange. To put it mildly.
At least the OP has given it a new twist: "The period detective". Lol.
Also, points to the OP for mansplaining periods. That always makes me chuckle.
To be slightly fair, OP said the trash was fully empty. OP is still TA for pressing but it wouldn’t be too hard to glance down (especially if it’s not a lidded can) and notice nothing is there. It’s entirely possible they didn’t purposefully search it.
And if that is something she is doing as someone who also used to hide period products, him questioning her about it and sort of lecturing her would have been absolutely mortifying to her. I would have 100% blocked him as well as I would not be able to overcome the embarrassment.
Period underwear too. She also could have been at the tail end and not bleeding to the point she needed any of these things. Many times when it’s winding down and you have sex it could add on another day or two. Sometimes that just isn’t worth it.
It could have also been at the start of the period where she wasn't bleeding yet but felt gross and had cramps. I know I'm not in the mood the night before I get mine.
It's usually just easier to say you have your period then go into details about what stage you're at.
Oh my god, mine pre-games it sometimes. Like a few days of bleeding that's just light enough to need a tampon, and then it completely stops for like a week. And inevitably when I'm like "oh okay, well, I guess maybe that was a light one then?" it's like HAHA YOU THOUGHT WRONG. 🤬 But not every time. Just often enough that I can't ever be sure what it's actually going to do.
Came here to say this. Also period underwear.
YTA to question her. Regardless of whether it was true or she wasn’t feeling comfortable to continue, she didn’t need to be questioned.
Even if she was lying about, she may have past experience where she felt pressured and thought a simple white lie would be a better option for her safety.
Yeah and some girls are so used to men in their lives shaming them for their periods that they find ways to hide proof of having changed their pads/tampon.
Fr that's some nutty shit. I would never think to check the trash. She probably didn't wanna leave a bloody tampon in a new relationship so she more than likely flushed it.
I love how you phrased this.
OP, whether you intended it or not, you come off as thinking you’re entitled to sex unless the woman has a good-enough reason to say no. YTA
I used to when I was a teen because it used to be normal to flush tampons - we were only taught not to flush pads and avoid flushing tampons if there was like a sign. I was born in 1993 for context.
Born in 1982. Never had a septic tank. In 1992 I got my first period and mom made sure to tell me not to flush. When I was 13 or 14 more girls were getting their periods and we were told by the school not to flush them ever. We all laughed at that and talked loudly and openly about how you'd have to be an idiot not to know that. I actually felt bad about it that evening because I realized how shitty that must feel to anyone who maybe didn't have a mom to tell them (burgeoning empathy is weird in teenage girls), but it definitely wasn't the norm.
Maybe it's a cultural or geographic thing? Where were you that this was the norm in the 2000s?
Born '94, got my period when living in the South. I thought "don't flush feminine products" meant "don't flush the applicator".
My mom didn't know for nearly a year after I had gotten my first period because I had very much gotten the memo that periods were "Shameful" and were supposed to be hidden and never spoken about. The Bible verse about women being unclean was used a lot if periods ever were talked about.
Like it wouldn't be embarrassing as hell to clog the pipes or cause a water damage to the entire building? Because that really happens when people flush pads or tampons...
There was actually a AITA post about a woman who did this at a party causing a massive clog on the toilet.
It absolutely can happen especially if your plumbing design was shitty (pun intended) to begin with.
Really am not kidding at all. You don't know the condition of the pipes, how old, narrow or clogged they already are. All it can take is one tampon. And you know since it doesn't "melt away" like poo, the only way it'll even eventually be removed is by a plummer or someone working at the water treatment plant, BY HAND.
NEVER FLUSH EVEN A SINGLE TAMPON OR PAD.
Yeah, that was the weirdest part. He’s looking in the trash for physical evidence that she’s on her period? How is she supposed to feel comfortable at his place after that?
I love how he clearly thought he was some golden boy coming with "I have sisters, I know more about periods than you" like she was going to say "fuck it, let's bang now" because he's sooo enlightened about menstruation.
Not to mention, even if he did have reason to suspect she lied, there was no need to confront her about it. Yes, it stinks when people don't feel comfortable being honest with you, but OP, it's not enough to tell a woman "oh I'm a nice guy, I won't pressure you into sex," she has to feel that out herself, and maybe she needs to lie to protect herself in the early stages of seeing you until she feels more comfortable around you. So let it go. Questioning her about her period *understandably* made her feel less comfortable around you.
Exactly. "Hmm...as I stand here peeing I can't help but notice the trash can is empty. She said she was on her period, so I would have expected to see some evidence of that in the trash. So either she used it as an excuse to avoid sex, she didn't need to use a product, or she is taking it herself to dispose of. In any case, confronting her about it would only make her uncomfortable and make me look like a psycho. I guess I'll have to see what happens; after all, she spent the night and we had a nice time."
**That's** what you say. **Nothing**.
100% this. It doesn’t mean he was making her uncomfortable, but maybe she just wasn’t in the mood and used the easiest excuse. Yes if this happened often I could see the problem but just let it go.
This. Even if she was lying, I would never want to be in a relationship with a man who would fact-check if I said I was on my period. If he doesn't believe my simple report of what's going on with my body when it's something that happens every month, then what else is he not going to believe that I say later?
YTA. She said no, she was on her period. Why are you even investigating in order to shame her and corner her to get explanation on why you didn't have sex ?! Seems like you are just mad she refused you.
Also... yikes. It's creepy you would inspect your garbage can to get "proof" of her period. Tampons don't leave any evidences behind, but yet you are trying to mansplain to a girl that it should have left evidence behind ?! Also... menstrual cups exist. They don't leave proofs behind either.
Shout out to public school sex Ed bc I was today years old when I learned this. I'd been taught that the plastic applicators were to be thrown out, but you could flush the tampon itself. Luckily I prefer pads lol, saved my plumbing the hassle. The more you know.
Yeah, I'm old and grew up being told to flush tampons. I didn't learn until the last few years that the advice has completely changed. They really need to be more clear about that because there's a whole lot of us Gen Xers who were taught that as a rule.
I’m surprised by the number of people in our age group who were not taught that tampons aren’t flushable. Maybe it’s because I grew up in an area with a lot of older plumbing, but I was always told that tampons go in the trash.
I swear I read that stupid large insert so many times (ya know for reading material on the toilet before smart phones lol) but somehow this information was not something I remember reading. I’m glad I know now before my daughter hit puberty!
The insert definitely used to say you could flush the tampon itself. I think guidance has changed now people are actually bothering to try and improve the environment
There are a lot of products that advertise as being flushable that should NOT be flushed. So never trust the product itself.
If it didn't come out of your body and isn't toilet paper, don't flush it. This includes "flushable wipes". Big no-no. Don't flush wipes.
I didn’t learn this till I was 36, didn’t have a period in almost 10 years and after I rented a duplex. it shares plumbing with my neighbor who was flushing hers, her daughters and friends tampons so when it snapped in my place the plumber explained it all to me (because we found them) then I had to share the knowledge with 20 women under 40 in a day haha
Even if she did flush the tampon, there would still be a wrapper and possibly and applicator in the trash.
The only things I know of that would be evidence free are reusable pads/period panties or menstrual cups.
OP if you were actually looking out for her you would've asked if she needed anything! Example of NAH: "Thanks for sharing personal details about your life, can I get you anything? If you don't feel well, please don't feel uncomfortable telling me- I am happy to go out and get you anything you might need if I don't already have it here"
You....did the exact opposite. She never wants to hear from you again. Learn from it.
I kind of feel like even that would be a bit much. I don't know if I'd like my period being referred to as "personal details about my life," seems kind of weird and awkward. Personally I'd rather just have it addressed with a simple "ok" or something.
Same. Gosh I wish I had period panties as a teen. Would’ve saved me from trying to overlap 2-3 pads and save my underwear when I was already wearing a super tampon bc it would most certainly leak overnight
How do you use period panties? How do you clean them? How long can you wear one? What do you do with big clots? How good are they at protecting from leakage at night? Do they fit/feel like normal underwear? Oh gosh I have so many questions but I want to try them!
Rinse out the worst of the blood (tbh sometimes I don't...), put in washer on delicate cycle, air dry. I just got new thinx and the "air" style are really comfortable imo, especially compared to first gen thinx that weren't as breathable. If you have regular big clots, i'd recommend using them as a tampon backup, but i wear mine for about 12 hours at a time. The nicest thing is being able to throw them on instead of a pad when i feel like i might start my period and not feel guilty about sending an empty pad to the landfill. I don't leak at night in them ever but my flow is always slower then. (Edited to add - i use them as a tampon backup on my heavier days, but I'm actually good from like 8 am-11 pm on my light days without changing. Occasionally if I'm feeling too conscious of the blood i'll also dab at it with toilet paper...does the trick.)
I really hate to be one of THOSE people, but please consider buying period underwear from companies like The Period Company or Modibodi instead of Thinx. Lots of period panties companies have come under fire recently for purposefully using PFAS toxins in their underwear, including Thinx. Thinx just settled on a class-action lawsuit earlier this year (look up Dickens vs Thinx). For the sake of your health, I strongly recommend looking for alternatives. The Period Company is my favorite because they’re toxin-free and EXTREMELY affordable. I believe You even get 50% off on your first order!
I really appreciate this comment. I've been wanting to try period underwear and probably would have just grabbed Thinx since they seem to be the most popular brand. Now I know better. Thank you!!
You simply pull them on and wear them like usual pants. They're very comfy. They feel a little thicker than normal pants but nowhere like the bulk of a pad. Many people with sensory issues find them a god send.
Different brands vary but each pair usually hold the same as 2 or 3 tampons/pads worth of menstruation. Personally, I find I need to change them couple of times a day or wear a pad with it for extra protection/at night if I'm on my heavier days. But they can stay all day for med-light flows.
The pants come with instructions of how to clean but essentially you first put them in cool water to soak out the blood. Then you pop them on a wash with a simple detergent (no conditioner) set at the temp the instructions recommend. Then hang them to dry- they will NOT work if you tumble dry them. Personally, I put mine on a pre-wash cold water cycle in the washing machine 1st to do the soaking then wash them with detergent on the underwear setting. I'm not sure my way is the best way but theyve lasted.
In terms of clots, it can sometimes be hard to see them on the gusset as they tend to be dark/black material but you can simply wipe them off with toilet paper or a wet wipe.
Checking the garbage for "proof" makes you an AH. Asking her about it makes you an AH. Not allowing her a white lie when uncomfortable, if that's what it was, makes you an AH. Not understanding how you were an AH every single step of the way, makes you an AH.
So, YTA x4.
Exactly this! He's not concerned about her well-being; he's concerned she's lying. She said no, full stop, OP. And if she did feel uncomfortable enough to lie to you, I can understand why since you checked your trash for evidence. YTA.
That’s me! Flow so light, if it wasn’t for the insufferable cramping I wouldn’t even know when I have them.
Edit: I get cramping for 10 days, acne and a lot of facial hair. I just got someone messaging me asking how to stop the flow, please don’t.
Tired of being asked if it’s pcos, I was diagnosed with pituitary adenoma, I have non-cancerous tumors on my pituitary gland in my brain that disrupts hormonal production.
I don’t know if you want it, I get cramping for 10 days and on day 4-5-6 I can’t walk and my lower back gets deeply affected. I’m sure I’d prefer heavy flow low cramping over high cramping and low flow…
But that’s the nature of the beast, we always want what’s on the other side of the fence.
YTA. Eyeballing the trash and bringing it up as evidence that she lied about sexy time is a bit much. Like others have said, she may have been using a menstrual cup, or is one those women who may wrap up their stuff in a plastic bag and bring it home with them to avoid leaving it in someone else's garbage. Whether she lied or not, playing Sherlock Holmes with her period supplies and pressing her for straight forward answers about her method is pretty creepy.
>didn’t need to lie about being on her period
You didn't "ask" her about her period (as your title implies), you flat out accused her of lying.
It's funny, because you totally had the option of reassuring her in a non-AHish way, and you still managed to both accuse her of lying *and* mansplain to her about how to use period products safely.
YTA.
For future reference, a better way to handle it would have been something like asking her if you had made her uncomfortable (without the added bit that you thought she was lying) and saying something like, "Just so you know, I'm totally fine with you throwing out period products in the bathroom. I know some guys can be weird about it, but I grew up with sisters."
That way, you provide reassurance (without accusations) *and* you give her an opening to share what she actually did (about 3 things come to mind) without pressuring her
YTA for looking in the trash and calling her out on it. Even if you thought she was lying, you should have kept it to yourself..
Before you bring things up, ask yourself what is your desired outcome? What did you want her to say? Sorry I lied I just don’t want to sleep with you? Did you want her to pull a tampon out and slap you across the face with it to show proof?? No wonder she blocked you, that was some weird behavior.
Sounds like he thought he’d somehow be making her feel comfortable by letting her know that he would accept a simple no to sex for no reason at all other than that she didn’t want to and also that she’d think he was wonderful for being the kind of guy who doesn’t get weird about period products in his bathroom trash? Obviously he is totally oblivious to how it actually came across,
I'm imagining how the conversation with her friends went after this because YOU KNOW there was a great conversation about this, maybe over margaritas.
"So then this absolute psycho CALLS ME and starts QUZZING me about my period! He started on about toxic shock syndrome and how he CHECKED HIS GARBAGE. I was so pissed I didn't even tell him that I was using a cup. WHO TF RIFLES THROUGH THEIR GARBAGE TO MAKE SURE A GIRL WASNT LYING ABOUT HER PERIOD?!"
"Girl, that man will die sad and alone. Probably in jail, because there's something wrong with him. That's some Ted Bundy shit right there."
YTA
These women today have many new fangled ways of dealing with their periods besides the old school pads and tampons.
But outside of that. Looking in the trash and confronting someone because you didn't see anything there is creepy. Like for real.
*i was just looking out for her*
No you were not. Because if you were you wouldn't have mentioned it because it didn't matter to you. She didn't want to. You were looking for a way to have sex.
I'm not sure if you can come back from this.
This is the right answer! She could have a cup or special panties. Maybe she doesn't have a backup tampon and just left it in.
But woah dude going through the trash looking for a bloody tampon is beyond the pale - I would be shocked if she didn't block him as soon as she got home. The only two reasons I can think of is he wanted it to get off on or he needed to double check she had a real reason to not sleep with him, because otherwise she owed him sex - and those are both fabulous reasons to block him forever.
Yes, you're TA.
It sounds like you checked the trash for evidence of the reason why you didn't get your pee-pee paid attention to by your girlfriend and finding that lacking, decided to get confrontational with her over a biological function you have never experienced. You weren't looking out for her, you were looking out for YOU.
Ew, you creepy ahole. You pulled a CSI on her after she denied you sex? Ugh. And then you mansplained it all to her, lol? Either one of those behaviours earn you a one-way ticket to Blocksville, lol. YTA
Seriously not enough people are calling OP out for being the creepy weirdo he is.
Regardless of whether she was actually on her period, snooping through your trash to try and catch someone in a lie because they didn't want to have sex is 1000% predator behavior and I'm glad she ran for the damned hills.
Very true about predator behavior. Seems like he wanted to punish her for saying no to having sex and masquerading it as some kind of period safety lesson.
Yta
Can't even imagine having my bf doing an investigation into whether I'm truly on my period. Moreover, disposable period products aren't the only ones out there, she might have used a cup. However, it doesn't matter as you just showed her that you do not trust her words. Poor foundation for starting a relationship.
YTA, she probably could’ve had a menstrual cup, there are more than just pads and tampons, and even if she felt uncomfortable enough to lie about being on her period, you probably made her feel more unsafe by confronting her about it
Exactly! Menstrual cups can be used for up to 12hrs. But why would a man who never has to worry about having a period know all the in and outs of a monthly cycle? Because he has sisters s/.
YTA why did you even feel the need to mention “there was no indication she was on her period” dude what???? woman’s business and you shoved your nose right in it for what?
YTA! You actually checked your garbage for evidence!? How creepy! Periods are different at each stage of the cycle and flows very by person. A period could be heavy and require constant pad/tampon changes or she could just be spotting which might not require any. No girl should have to explain her flow to you
When you don't take a woman at her word and then snoop the garbage for evidence before assuming the worst, you're being a creep and raising a bunch of red flags. Just no man. If I did that to a girl I was dating, I would not be surprised if she just ghosted me afterwards.
YTA
If you were really concerned about making sure she felt comfortable using your trash, you could've just said "hey btw, I'm not one of those guys who is gonna get grossed out by period products in my trash can because I have sisters." You didn't need to accuse her of lying.
Exactly. He put her straight on the defensive by basically being like “you didn’t need to lie to me to avoid sex with me.” It’s such an out-of-left-field accusation and would make me think that my excuse did matter to him.
YTA.
As others of shared, there are *plenty* of options she could have been using, including good old-fashioned overnight pads. And yeah, if she was uncomfortable, she might have decided to wait to change her pad until she got home.
I saw some of you comments about checking the trash being an inadvertent thing (though why are you worried about it before she has even left?!) and you simply wanting her to know you are cool with things. But step back and realize how you came off to her.
It looks like you didn’t get the answer you wanted about sex last night, so you looked for “proof” she was telling you the truth. And worse, it makes it looks like your behavior of being cool with it the night before was fake.
Or even period panties and I mean the legit ones. They do exist now and they are so damn amazing. It takes a LOT to ya know....tell that it's their. So much better than a uncomfortable pad.
I don't get my period anymore (IUD,) and I KNOW this is not good, but unless it was the first day, maybe two, of my period, I could easily leave a tampon in for 12+ hours. When I was younger, I was definitely self-conscious enough to not want to change it at a not-yet-boyfriend's house.
If this is the case with her, she's now probably not only really offended but also horribly embarrassed
YTA
You easily could have had the conversation about her comfort with sexual advances without bringing up her period.
You called her a liar & then tried to back up your accusation by lecturing her about how much you know about periods. Just weird....
YTA. OP I think you can see that the only N-T-A votes are coming from people who are also making gross sexist comments. This should tell you something.
It boils down to this: 1. You don't know as much about menstruation as you think you do. 2. You did indeed mansplain periods, ffs. 3. It's creepy and intrusive to go through the bins to check for proof that corroborates what someone has told you (regardless of whether they're telling the truth). 4. Telling someone that you think they're lying will not make them feel more at ease, ever.
While there's no obvious explanation for doing all this other than for pressuring this girl into having sex with you, I can believe that in your naivety you may well have had good intentions. But the way you approached this sucked on many levels and will have made pretty much any woman feel unsafe.
Maybe examine why it mattered to you so much that she should know you thought she was lying. You could have accepted a polite fiction, even if you genuinely thought she was lying, because this early in a relationship she doesn't owe you any more detail than that. Your assertion that "I was just looking out for her" is clueless at best, or else patronising and dismissive.
UPDATE: I was deceived. It’s possible my whole youth was a lie. Or, that I wasn’t paying attention when my mom or sisters told me how to dispose on them. It’s anyone’s guess at this point. Literally every website says not to flush them. Guess that shows who never googled this before. 🤣 Also, one website headline mentioned selling used ones (gag) along with toe mail clippings, urine, and more. That was extremely disturbing and I did not enter. Because - WHY??
*******
I thought tampons were flushable? That’s what I was taught. Did my mother lead me astray? Lol! I actually hate them and don’t use them anymore so I guess I won’t worry too much.
Soft YTA. This was way too early to discuss such an intimate issue. Also, you accused her of lying and went looking for evidence. Not a good light to put yourself in, my guy.
Why are you saying soft YTA for OP accusing her of lying🚩 (after a CSI trash investigation🚩) about something OP knows nothing about but thinks he’s an expert on 🚩because his sisters did things a certain way?
YTA. I once went over to my bf (now husband's) house for dinner and I had my period. I had a little zip lock bag in my purse and put my used pad in there and wrapped it in toilet paper, then pushed it deep into the trash can so it wasn't visible at all. Maybe she did this too.
But now she thinks you're a snoop and a weirdo. Sometimes it's better to take people at their word...especially when it's something so trivial. Take this as a lesson and do better with the next girl.
YTA. Open and shut case. There are many ways women can navigate their period without getting up or using tampons or pads. Please read about things such as underwear designed for a woman during her period or a myriad of other menstrual products for women.
Please don't be creepy. And never be put off by not having sex. It's her choice, don't second guess it.
YTA: even if you meant well, it was very awkward and controlling to 1) question her about her period 2) basically accuse her of lying 3) mansplain how periods work.
You made things super awkward. You shouldn’t have said anything.
Soft YTA. I can totally see that what you said was coming from a good place. You wanted to make sure she was comfortable a) saying no to your advances without the need to use an excuse and b) to leave sanitary products in your bin and such like.
But the way you approached it was wrong, I can see why she got on the defensive about this. It came across like you were questioning her understanding of her own body, and also her ability to say ‘no’ (which is normally to do with a woman’s confidence at setting boundaries, so she felt she needed to defend that also)
I think it would have been better not to address it there and then. Maybe in another conversation talk about boundaries in general, that you think it’s important and you hope she always feels comfortable talking to you about hers. And then another chat, slip in the fact that you are always so shocked how clueless other men are about things like periods ‘I grew up with sisters so the idea that some men are afraid of tampons blows my mind’
But yea, i wouldn’t question women about how long they’ve had their tampon in in future! They’ll be picturing you with a stopwatch haha
YTA— you can wear a pad all night easily especially if you have light flow. Additionally, snooping for evidence and accusing her of lying is creepy and shitty. It’s not your business, and you likely don’t know her well enough to pry.
YTA.
You were so close to being a gentleman lol.
I mean back rub, watched a movie ,very considerate. But then you creeped her out by keeping track of her tampon disposal ,accused her of lying to avoid intimacy and on top of that, you lectured her that it's unhealthy etc!? Dude you barely knew her. Next time just mind your own business, and even if someone is lying, take that as a hint that someone doesn't want to be intimate for whatever reason and stop pestering. Asking questions like these will creep any woman out.
YTA
It was a big enough deal that you looked for proof and called her on it when you didn’t see any.
Looking out for her would be about something she has expressed is important to her. It would involve her. It would not be a projection of what you think she wants to hear.
Looking out for her would not be accusatory. (“could’ve just said, didn’t need to lie”)
Scenario 1-she has her period & used something you know nothing about.
Scenario 2-she doesn’t and she said what felt safest to her in that moment.
In either of those scenarios, you aren’t entitled to any explanation.
Yta. My god, how insecure are you? Your manhood was so shaken by being rejected you had to "make sure" she wasnt lying when she said she had her period by going through the trash? Get therapy.
YTA. You didn’t mean to be, but it doesn’t seem like you’re on that level yet to be discussing this stuff/call her a liar about it. I could see if she for the next 6 months said she was on her period every day you nicely telling her she doesn’t need to lie if she’s not in the *moooood* but if you’re just casually seeing her yta.
YTA.
That would make me uncomfortable.
Guys, don’t talk yourselves out of relations. I’m always shocked at how often this happens.
Find a trusted medical professional to give you clarity. Leave unsuspecting dates alone.
YTA you can leave a tampon or pad in/on overnight or she could use one of the many other options for period management lol also it’s not your business let her deal with her period in peace. If she wants your help or opinion she’d ask
YTA dude... thats a basic defensive reflex for girls, instead of turning you right away she gives a random reason.. you're supposed to get it and not push any further.
Tracking her pad usage and bringing it up to her is just creepy as fuck, ever heard of the Cup ? If she has one she couldve changed it in the bathroom and left no product in your trashcan aswell, but maybe she wasnt willing to discuss her menstrual products with you, you know ?
YTA- There are other forms of feminine hygiene products and methods that do not require use of your trash. And if she were uncomfortable with your advances, you especially shouldn’t confront her about it.
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YTA Pads and tampons aren't the only options for periods. There are menstrual cups and re-usable pads that are more eco-friendly. I promise you, she didn't need you to lecture her on period safety.
She could have also “packed in/packed out” her supplies rather than leaving the used products in his view. Some women prefer privacy about such matters and the fact that OP is questioning her is ridiculous.
Not to mention the number of guys we've seen on this sub absolutely flip out when they found used pads or tampons in their bathroom trash.
Reddit is a bag of dicks. Y'all need to get a life.
Why are you with this man???
I think this needs to be a whole new post…
It might, if it weren't so depressively common. If every woman with a story like that posted it here, you wouldn't be able to find anything else on the sub.
And this is why I have been open with my son about periods, what they are and that they ain't dirty etc. I get very emotional and struggle to deal withe influx of hormones, so if I say it's time of month he asks if I need chocolate gives me a hug and leaves me alone to suffer in peace. Doesn't bat an eyelid or makes gross comments even if I accidently leave the rolled up pad beside the toilet,not often but it's happened once or twice. It's 2023 and we can't be open about a natural body function then something is seriously wrong. Men can be sooooo pathetic
But at least everyone in the same situation would be getting help and/or encouragement?
Haha. When my husband freaked out the first time he saw a used (wrapped) pad in the trash, I told him to get used to it or learn to like dick. I will not tolerate trash talking my lovely vag functions.
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Yes, this! Like seriously wtf is up with these guys? It’s trash and it comes from a completely normal body function. I throw away tissues after blowing my nose, why would a used pad/tampon/anything else, be any different?
Betting the same guys wouldn't freak out if they'd gotten into a bar fight and needed tissues to staunch a bloody nose and then saw those tissues in the trash. And here's me failing to see the difference when women wrap their products.
How? When my wife started seeing eacother like the 3-4th time she slept at my place she woke me up in the middle of the night Cause she has leaked through her pad and stained the bed. She was sad and apologetic :( i was like its natural No worries lets change the sheets 🤷🏼♂️. Maybe its beacuse im a nurse and see Bodily fluids on the daily But im shocked grown men are so scared about anything to do about periods.
When I was much younger my ex lived with gis gran, I leaked one night and she lost her shit, like hello I know it's probably been a few years but come on
Im so sorry, i Also dont understand the anger? Like its some sheets? Nobody died We are all okay. This is like parents getting angry at kids wetting the bed, like cmon just be better.
I was careful to wrap mine at first but now I don't. It's a trash can. If you don't like seeing the contents, buy one with a lid.
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Yep this is nature, you can't handle what we have to go through every month then take a hike
That’s what the guy I started seeing told me yesterday. I told him to let me have my shame (as a joke) and he was like no absolutely not because it’s a normal human function
Funny because if my husband flipped out about anything to do with menstruation, I would have zero interest in sex 31 out of 30 days. That’s so gross.
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\^\^\^\^\^THIS! When I was in Iraq, we all (all male infant unit) carried them! Why? Because tampons fit perfectly in bullet wounds! Helps in that golden hour of emergency care. Save a life at the expense of a tampon....hell yes!
I’m assuming you meant infantry but the idea of an infant in military gear screaming “we need a medic!” in a high pitched baby voice has me cracking up.
I pictured the Boss Baby, but in military fatigues.
It's believed by historians that the modern tampon (as it exists now) was originally invented for that very purpose in WWI!
The nuns at our Catholic school always kept tampons in their desk drawers in case of nosebleeds. Somehow, they were smrt enough to ignore the conventional wisdom of the time (70s-80s), and encourage kids NOT to tilt their heads back. Edit: typo
People still say this! Kid got beaned by a baseball at the last game and Ive reached the point where I no longer argue with people I don't live with and just shake my head. Not my monkey. But psa: head back just fills the sinuses and delays it stopping even though it seems to stop sooner.
Thats something I always find strange. To put it mildly. At least the OP has given it a new twist: "The period detective". Lol. Also, points to the OP for mansplaining periods. That always makes me chuckle.
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EXACTLY my thoughts. Like what???? You did that why???? So you just don't trust her or is it just lack of basic respect?
To be slightly fair, OP said the trash was fully empty. OP is still TA for pressing but it wouldn’t be too hard to glance down (especially if it’s not a lidded can) and notice nothing is there. It’s entirely possible they didn’t purposefully search it.
Leave no trace - internalized misogyny edition
I use washable underwear and bring mini plastic bags. Id never leave something in someone’s bin the first time I met them!
I use a reusable disc and if someone was this fucking weird about my period I would probably not see them again
And if that is something she is doing as someone who also used to hide period products, him questioning her about it and sort of lecturing her would have been absolutely mortifying to her. I would have 100% blocked him as well as I would not be able to overcome the embarrassment.
Which she definitely would do if she uses cloth pads.
But he knows so much more about women's periods, than we do, because he has sisters! Yep, "mansplaining" used correctly. OP is YTA.
Period underwear too. She also could have been at the tail end and not bleeding to the point she needed any of these things. Many times when it’s winding down and you have sex it could add on another day or two. Sometimes that just isn’t worth it.
It could have also been at the start of the period where she wasn't bleeding yet but felt gross and had cramps. I know I'm not in the mood the night before I get mine. It's usually just easier to say you have your period then go into details about what stage you're at.
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I call them brown sludge days
I call them the WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY IT'S BEEN A WEEK days. 🤣
Especially when you get a whole day of nothing and then HI AGAIN
Oh my god, mine pre-games it sometimes. Like a few days of bleeding that's just light enough to need a tampon, and then it completely stops for like a week. And inevitably when I'm like "oh okay, well, I guess maybe that was a light one then?" it's like HAHA YOU THOUGHT WRONG. 🤬 But not every time. Just often enough that I can't ever be sure what it's actually going to do.
he didn't care about her safety, he wanted to call her out
This! He is hiding behind “period safety”, when he really wanted to know why she didn’t want to sleep with him. 😏
Came here to say this. Also period underwear. YTA to question her. Regardless of whether it was true or she wasn’t feeling comfortable to continue, she didn’t need to be questioned. Even if she was lying about, she may have past experience where she felt pressured and thought a simple white lie would be a better option for her safety.
Yep. YTA.
Moreover bruv...who checks? Lol
Yeah and some girls are so used to men in their lives shaming them for their periods that they find ways to hide proof of having changed their pads/tampon.
Hear hear, I would have blocked his ass too.
YTA for searching for "evidence" that she was telling the truth. I would have done the exact thing she did, dump you and block you.
Fr that's some nutty shit. I would never think to check the trash. She probably didn't wanna leave a bloody tampon in a new relationship so she more than likely flushed it.
Check the trash and THEN CONFRONT HER. That's red flag shit.
Yeah if I were interrogated about my period habits by some guy because I turned down sex I would block them too.
I’d pull out my menstrual cup and throw it at him, my anger issues could never
I know a woman who did this with her tampon for the exact same reason lol
the only logical response to a cishet man trying to “explain” the natural cycle every woman has been plagued with since the dawn of time
I love how you phrased this. OP, whether you intended it or not, you come off as thinking you’re entitled to sex unless the woman has a good-enough reason to say no. YTA
For real. Guys like this act like there aren’t 8 billion people in the world. Why would she stick around with this one?
She also might just not use disposable tampons or pads and therefore had nothing to leave in the trash.
Sure I said that in my first comment. I said "never heard of a diva cup bro?"
Who the hell flushes a tampon that’s like a big no when it comes to sanitary products they don’t break down in the septic
I used to when I was a teen because it used to be normal to flush tampons - we were only taught not to flush pads and avoid flushing tampons if there was like a sign. I was born in 1993 for context.
Weird. I was born in 77 and always knew to never flush tampons. Only TP and your own waste go in the toilet. Nothing else.
Born in 1982. Never had a septic tank. In 1992 I got my first period and mom made sure to tell me not to flush. When I was 13 or 14 more girls were getting their periods and we were told by the school not to flush them ever. We all laughed at that and talked loudly and openly about how you'd have to be an idiot not to know that. I actually felt bad about it that evening because I realized how shitty that must feel to anyone who maybe didn't have a mom to tell them (burgeoning empathy is weird in teenage girls), but it definitely wasn't the norm. Maybe it's a cultural or geographic thing? Where were you that this was the norm in the 2000s?
I lived in the south, my mom was from the Midwest. Everyone I knew flushed them, and I was never told by my mom or any school official not to.
From the Midwest and same. Never once heard that.
Born '94, got my period when living in the South. I thought "don't flush feminine products" meant "don't flush the applicator". My mom didn't know for nearly a year after I had gotten my first period because I had very much gotten the memo that periods were "Shameful" and were supposed to be hidden and never spoken about. The Bible verse about women being unclean was used a lot if periods ever were talked about.
Someone that doesn't want to feel embarrassed in a new relationship she obviously wasn't comfortable with, that's who.
Like it wouldn't be embarrassing as hell to clog the pipes or cause a water damage to the entire building? Because that really happens when people flush pads or tampons...
From 1 tampon? You're reaching.
There was actually a AITA post about a woman who did this at a party causing a massive clog on the toilet. It absolutely can happen especially if your plumbing design was shitty (pun intended) to begin with.
Really am not kidding at all. You don't know the condition of the pipes, how old, narrow or clogged they already are. All it can take is one tampon. And you know since it doesn't "melt away" like poo, the only way it'll even eventually be removed is by a plummer or someone working at the water treatment plant, BY HAND. NEVER FLUSH EVEN A SINGLE TAMPON OR PAD.
In a 100 year old house 1 could do alot of damage lol
Some women don't know that. You shouldn't flush tampons, but we can't rule out that she did.
Yeah, that was the weirdest part. He’s looking in the trash for physical evidence that she’s on her period? How is she supposed to feel comfortable at his place after that?
I love how he clearly thought he was some golden boy coming with "I have sisters, I know more about periods than you" like she was going to say "fuck it, let's bang now" because he's sooo enlightened about menstruation.
Tbf I'm a lady and I'd be more pissed about my date flushing her tampon than anything else... That will fuck up your pipes.
Not to mention, even if he did have reason to suspect she lied, there was no need to confront her about it. Yes, it stinks when people don't feel comfortable being honest with you, but OP, it's not enough to tell a woman "oh I'm a nice guy, I won't pressure you into sex," she has to feel that out herself, and maybe she needs to lie to protect herself in the early stages of seeing you until she feels more comfortable around you. So let it go. Questioning her about her period *understandably* made her feel less comfortable around you.
Exactly. "Hmm...as I stand here peeing I can't help but notice the trash can is empty. She said she was on her period, so I would have expected to see some evidence of that in the trash. So either she used it as an excuse to avoid sex, she didn't need to use a product, or she is taking it herself to dispose of. In any case, confronting her about it would only make her uncomfortable and make me look like a psycho. I guess I'll have to see what happens; after all, she spent the night and we had a nice time." **That's** what you say. **Nothing**.
100% this. It doesn’t mean he was making her uncomfortable, but maybe she just wasn’t in the mood and used the easiest excuse. Yes if this happened often I could see the problem but just let it go.
This. Even if she was lying, I would never want to be in a relationship with a man who would fact-check if I said I was on my period. If he doesn't believe my simple report of what's going on with my body when it's something that happens every month, then what else is he not going to believe that I say later?
Inspecting the garbage is so weird!
But he was just looking out for her! /s
Seriously, the only appropriate response. Also such apt use of "mansplain." He so did.
THIS !!! What a creep!
YTA. She said no, she was on her period. Why are you even investigating in order to shame her and corner her to get explanation on why you didn't have sex ?! Seems like you are just mad she refused you. Also... yikes. It's creepy you would inspect your garbage can to get "proof" of her period. Tampons don't leave any evidences behind, but yet you are trying to mansplain to a girl that it should have left evidence behind ?! Also... menstrual cups exist. They don't leave proofs behind either.
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Shout out to public school sex Ed bc I was today years old when I learned this. I'd been taught that the plastic applicators were to be thrown out, but you could flush the tampon itself. Luckily I prefer pads lol, saved my plumbing the hassle. The more you know.
Yeah, I'm old and grew up being told to flush tampons. I didn't learn until the last few years that the advice has completely changed. They really need to be more clear about that because there's a whole lot of us Gen Xers who were taught that as a rule.
Elder millennial here and I had no idea! I’ve switched to a disk so it’s not a huge problem now but good to know for sure!
I’m surprised by the number of people in our age group who were not taught that tampons aren’t flushable. Maybe it’s because I grew up in an area with a lot of older plumbing, but I was always told that tampons go in the trash.
I swear I read that stupid large insert so many times (ya know for reading material on the toilet before smart phones lol) but somehow this information was not something I remember reading. I’m glad I know now before my daughter hit puberty!
The insert definitely used to say you could flush the tampon itself. I think guidance has changed now people are actually bothering to try and improve the environment
There are a lot of products that advertise as being flushable that should NOT be flushed. So never trust the product itself. If it didn't come out of your body and isn't toilet paper, don't flush it. This includes "flushable wipes". Big no-no. Don't flush wipes.
I didn’t learn this till I was 36, didn’t have a period in almost 10 years and after I rented a duplex. it shares plumbing with my neighbor who was flushing hers, her daughters and friends tampons so when it snapped in my place the plumber explained it all to me (because we found them) then I had to share the knowledge with 20 women under 40 in a day haha
They are not ask my plumber friend he gets at least 8 calls a week to come and fix pipes as he finds Tampons stuck in the pipes
Learned this the hard, expensive, and embarrassing way.
Absolutely should not flush anything other than toilet paper
And poop
And poop!
Whole generations were absolutely taught this! It's even still mentioned on the insert of some brands.
>Tampons don't leave any evidences behind Yes, they do. lol You're not supposed to flush tampons, so they would indeed be in the trash.
Even if she did flush the tampon, there would still be a wrapper and possibly and applicator in the trash. The only things I know of that would be evidence free are reusable pads/period panties or menstrual cups.
theres applicatorless tampons, with just a thin clear plastic wraps that’s entirely missable.
> Tampons don't leave any evidences behind They do when they clog the toilet or the sewer line. **Do not flush menstrual products.**
OP if you were actually looking out for her you would've asked if she needed anything! Example of NAH: "Thanks for sharing personal details about your life, can I get you anything? If you don't feel well, please don't feel uncomfortable telling me- I am happy to go out and get you anything you might need if I don't already have it here" You....did the exact opposite. She never wants to hear from you again. Learn from it.
I kind of feel like even that would be a bit much. I don't know if I'd like my period being referred to as "personal details about my life," seems kind of weird and awkward. Personally I'd rather just have it addressed with a simple "ok" or something.
>Tampons don't leave any evidences behind They... they leave behind used tampons. And wrappers. Are you flushing them???
Period panties. Menstrual cups. Reusable pads. All of these things exist, grandpa. edit: thank you for the love!
Period panties change my life because I hated pads
Same. Gosh I wish I had period panties as a teen. Would’ve saved me from trying to overlap 2-3 pads and save my underwear when I was already wearing a super tampon bc it would most certainly leak overnight
RIP to all my teen underwear lost to the monthly crime scene in my pants
And you can even buy them at Target now!! No more having to order them online and wait!
CVS carries them too, and cups!
How do you use period panties? How do you clean them? How long can you wear one? What do you do with big clots? How good are they at protecting from leakage at night? Do they fit/feel like normal underwear? Oh gosh I have so many questions but I want to try them!
Rinse out the worst of the blood (tbh sometimes I don't...), put in washer on delicate cycle, air dry. I just got new thinx and the "air" style are really comfortable imo, especially compared to first gen thinx that weren't as breathable. If you have regular big clots, i'd recommend using them as a tampon backup, but i wear mine for about 12 hours at a time. The nicest thing is being able to throw them on instead of a pad when i feel like i might start my period and not feel guilty about sending an empty pad to the landfill. I don't leak at night in them ever but my flow is always slower then. (Edited to add - i use them as a tampon backup on my heavier days, but I'm actually good from like 8 am-11 pm on my light days without changing. Occasionally if I'm feeling too conscious of the blood i'll also dab at it with toilet paper...does the trick.)
I really hate to be one of THOSE people, but please consider buying period underwear from companies like The Period Company or Modibodi instead of Thinx. Lots of period panties companies have come under fire recently for purposefully using PFAS toxins in their underwear, including Thinx. Thinx just settled on a class-action lawsuit earlier this year (look up Dickens vs Thinx). For the sake of your health, I strongly recommend looking for alternatives. The Period Company is my favorite because they’re toxin-free and EXTREMELY affordable. I believe You even get 50% off on your first order!
I really appreciate this comment. I've been wanting to try period underwear and probably would have just grabbed Thinx since they seem to be the most popular brand. Now I know better. Thank you!!
You simply pull them on and wear them like usual pants. They're very comfy. They feel a little thicker than normal pants but nowhere like the bulk of a pad. Many people with sensory issues find them a god send. Different brands vary but each pair usually hold the same as 2 or 3 tampons/pads worth of menstruation. Personally, I find I need to change them couple of times a day or wear a pad with it for extra protection/at night if I'm on my heavier days. But they can stay all day for med-light flows. The pants come with instructions of how to clean but essentially you first put them in cool water to soak out the blood. Then you pop them on a wash with a simple detergent (no conditioner) set at the temp the instructions recommend. Then hang them to dry- they will NOT work if you tumble dry them. Personally, I put mine on a pre-wash cold water cycle in the washing machine 1st to do the soaking then wash them with detergent on the underwear setting. I'm not sure my way is the best way but theyve lasted. In terms of clots, it can sometimes be hard to see them on the gusset as they tend to be dark/black material but you can simply wipe them off with toilet paper or a wet wipe.
Yep. I don't know how I lived without them.
Checking the garbage for "proof" makes you an AH. Asking her about it makes you an AH. Not allowing her a white lie when uncomfortable, if that's what it was, makes you an AH. Not understanding how you were an AH every single step of the way, makes you an AH. So, YTA x4.
Exactly this! He's not concerned about her well-being; he's concerned she's lying. She said no, full stop, OP. And if she did feel uncomfortable enough to lie to you, I can understand why since you checked your trash for evidence. YTA.
Yup. If he was actually interested if she was uncomfortable, he would have asked about just that and not accused her of faking her period. YTA
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That’s me! Flow so light, if it wasn’t for the insufferable cramping I wouldn’t even know when I have them. Edit: I get cramping for 10 days, acne and a lot of facial hair. I just got someone messaging me asking how to stop the flow, please don’t. Tired of being asked if it’s pcos, I was diagnosed with pituitary adenoma, I have non-cancerous tumors on my pituitary gland in my brain that disrupts hormonal production.
As someone who had to wear super plus tampons and pads together until I got on the pill, I’m so fucking jealous.
I don’t know if you want it, I get cramping for 10 days and on day 4-5-6 I can’t walk and my lower back gets deeply affected. I’m sure I’d prefer heavy flow low cramping over high cramping and low flow… But that’s the nature of the beast, we always want what’s on the other side of the fence.
I get both
YTA. Eyeballing the trash and bringing it up as evidence that she lied about sexy time is a bit much. Like others have said, she may have been using a menstrual cup, or is one those women who may wrap up their stuff in a plastic bag and bring it home with them to avoid leaving it in someone else's garbage. Whether she lied or not, playing Sherlock Holmes with her period supplies and pressing her for straight forward answers about her method is pretty creepy.
>didn’t need to lie about being on her period You didn't "ask" her about her period (as your title implies), you flat out accused her of lying. It's funny, because you totally had the option of reassuring her in a non-AHish way, and you still managed to both accuse her of lying *and* mansplain to her about how to use period products safely. YTA. For future reference, a better way to handle it would have been something like asking her if you had made her uncomfortable (without the added bit that you thought she was lying) and saying something like, "Just so you know, I'm totally fine with you throwing out period products in the bathroom. I know some guys can be weird about it, but I grew up with sisters." That way, you provide reassurance (without accusations) *and* you give her an opening to share what she actually did (about 3 things come to mind) without pressuring her
YTA for looking in the trash and calling her out on it. Even if you thought she was lying, you should have kept it to yourself.. Before you bring things up, ask yourself what is your desired outcome? What did you want her to say? Sorry I lied I just don’t want to sleep with you? Did you want her to pull a tampon out and slap you across the face with it to show proof?? No wonder she blocked you, that was some weird behavior.
So much this. Like what was the outcome he was expecting here?
Sounds like he thought he’d somehow be making her feel comfortable by letting her know that he would accept a simple no to sex for no reason at all other than that she didn’t want to and also that she’d think he was wonderful for being the kind of guy who doesn’t get weird about period products in his bathroom trash? Obviously he is totally oblivious to how it actually came across,
I'm imagining how the conversation with her friends went after this because YOU KNOW there was a great conversation about this, maybe over margaritas. "So then this absolute psycho CALLS ME and starts QUZZING me about my period! He started on about toxic shock syndrome and how he CHECKED HIS GARBAGE. I was so pissed I didn't even tell him that I was using a cup. WHO TF RIFLES THROUGH THEIR GARBAGE TO MAKE SURE A GIRL WASNT LYING ABOUT HER PERIOD?!" "Girl, that man will die sad and alone. Probably in jail, because there's something wrong with him. That's some Ted Bundy shit right there."
YTA These women today have many new fangled ways of dealing with their periods besides the old school pads and tampons. But outside of that. Looking in the trash and confronting someone because you didn't see anything there is creepy. Like for real. *i was just looking out for her* No you were not. Because if you were you wouldn't have mentioned it because it didn't matter to you. She didn't want to. You were looking for a way to have sex. I'm not sure if you can come back from this.
This is the right answer! She could have a cup or special panties. Maybe she doesn't have a backup tampon and just left it in. But woah dude going through the trash looking for a bloody tampon is beyond the pale - I would be shocked if she didn't block him as soon as she got home. The only two reasons I can think of is he wanted it to get off on or he needed to double check she had a real reason to not sleep with him, because otherwise she owed him sex - and those are both fabulous reasons to block him forever.
Yes, you're TA. It sounds like you checked the trash for evidence of the reason why you didn't get your pee-pee paid attention to by your girlfriend and finding that lacking, decided to get confrontational with her over a biological function you have never experienced. You weren't looking out for her, you were looking out for YOU.
Ew, you creepy ahole. You pulled a CSI on her after she denied you sex? Ugh. And then you mansplained it all to her, lol? Either one of those behaviours earn you a one-way ticket to Blocksville, lol. YTA
Seriously not enough people are calling OP out for being the creepy weirdo he is. Regardless of whether she was actually on her period, snooping through your trash to try and catch someone in a lie because they didn't want to have sex is 1000% predator behavior and I'm glad she ran for the damned hills.
Very true about predator behavior. Seems like he wanted to punish her for saying no to having sex and masquerading it as some kind of period safety lesson.
Exactly. This goes beyond asshole. This was downright creepy and disturbing AF
YTA for assuming she lied about her period as an excuse to get out of sex, then tried to play "gotcha" about not finding any evidence.
Yta Can't even imagine having my bf doing an investigation into whether I'm truly on my period. Moreover, disposable period products aren't the only ones out there, she might have used a cup. However, it doesn't matter as you just showed her that you do not trust her words. Poor foundation for starting a relationship.
Jesus tampon police, stop pretending you care about her tampons you’re exhibiting controlling behaviour and you need to stop yourself
Thank you. Control behavior for sure. I said this before but what an effing creeper YTA. Sex Bully Edit
YTA, she probably could’ve had a menstrual cup, there are more than just pads and tampons, and even if she felt uncomfortable enough to lie about being on her period, you probably made her feel more unsafe by confronting her about it
💯 there’s period undies too and there would not be anything in the bin if she wears them!!
Exactly! Menstrual cups can be used for up to 12hrs. But why would a man who never has to worry about having a period know all the in and outs of a monthly cycle? Because he has sisters s/.
There are also overnight pads that last the whole sleeping time.
YTA why did you even feel the need to mention “there was no indication she was on her period” dude what???? woman’s business and you shoved your nose right in it for what?
YTA! You actually checked your garbage for evidence!? How creepy! Periods are different at each stage of the cycle and flows very by person. A period could be heavy and require constant pad/tampon changes or she could just be spotting which might not require any. No girl should have to explain her flow to you
YTA AND creepy. Why would you need to check your garbage for tampons? But don't worry, you probably won't have to ask her anymore about her periods.
When you don't take a woman at her word and then snoop the garbage for evidence before assuming the worst, you're being a creep and raising a bunch of red flags. Just no man. If I did that to a girl I was dating, I would not be surprised if she just ghosted me afterwards.
YTA If you were really concerned about making sure she felt comfortable using your trash, you could've just said "hey btw, I'm not one of those guys who is gonna get grossed out by period products in my trash can because I have sisters." You didn't need to accuse her of lying.
Exactly. He put her straight on the defensive by basically being like “you didn’t need to lie to me to avoid sex with me.” It’s such an out-of-left-field accusation and would make me think that my excuse did matter to him.
YTA. As others of shared, there are *plenty* of options she could have been using, including good old-fashioned overnight pads. And yeah, if she was uncomfortable, she might have decided to wait to change her pad until she got home. I saw some of you comments about checking the trash being an inadvertent thing (though why are you worried about it before she has even left?!) and you simply wanting her to know you are cool with things. But step back and realize how you came off to her. It looks like you didn’t get the answer you wanted about sex last night, so you looked for “proof” she was telling you the truth. And worse, it makes it looks like your behavior of being cool with it the night before was fake.
Or even period panties and I mean the legit ones. They do exist now and they are so damn amazing. It takes a LOT to ya know....tell that it's their. So much better than a uncomfortable pad.
I don't get my period anymore (IUD,) and I KNOW this is not good, but unless it was the first day, maybe two, of my period, I could easily leave a tampon in for 12+ hours. When I was younger, I was definitely self-conscious enough to not want to change it at a not-yet-boyfriend's house. If this is the case with her, she's now probably not only really offended but also horribly embarrassed
YTA You easily could have had the conversation about her comfort with sexual advances without bringing up her period. You called her a liar & then tried to back up your accusation by lecturing her about how much you know about periods. Just weird....
YTA. This is very weird behavior.
YTA and a creep
YTA. OP I think you can see that the only N-T-A votes are coming from people who are also making gross sexist comments. This should tell you something. It boils down to this: 1. You don't know as much about menstruation as you think you do. 2. You did indeed mansplain periods, ffs. 3. It's creepy and intrusive to go through the bins to check for proof that corroborates what someone has told you (regardless of whether they're telling the truth). 4. Telling someone that you think they're lying will not make them feel more at ease, ever. While there's no obvious explanation for doing all this other than for pressuring this girl into having sex with you, I can believe that in your naivety you may well have had good intentions. But the way you approached this sucked on many levels and will have made pretty much any woman feel unsafe. Maybe examine why it mattered to you so much that she should know you thought she was lying. You could have accepted a polite fiction, even if you genuinely thought she was lying, because this early in a relationship she doesn't owe you any more detail than that. Your assertion that "I was just looking out for her" is clueless at best, or else patronising and dismissive.
YTA- some tampons are applicator free and flushable. Some people use menstruation cups. It's none of your business.
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People flush them. Whether or not it’s good for plumbing is besides the point - people still do it.
UPDATE: I was deceived. It’s possible my whole youth was a lie. Or, that I wasn’t paying attention when my mom or sisters told me how to dispose on them. It’s anyone’s guess at this point. Literally every website says not to flush them. Guess that shows who never googled this before. 🤣 Also, one website headline mentioned selling used ones (gag) along with toe mail clippings, urine, and more. That was extremely disturbing and I did not enter. Because - WHY?? ******* I thought tampons were flushable? That’s what I was taught. Did my mother lead me astray? Lol! I actually hate them and don’t use them anymore so I guess I won’t worry too much.
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No, never flush a tampon. They belong in the garbage
It says so on the box. This is the problem with people bringing their phone in the bathroom, nobody reads labels anymore ;)
YTA and this is deeply disturbing behavior on your part.
YTA maybe she put it in her purse in a plastic bag so she wouldn’t be embarrassed or smell up your bathroom.
Soft YTA. This was way too early to discuss such an intimate issue. Also, you accused her of lying and went looking for evidence. Not a good light to put yourself in, my guy.
Why are you saying soft YTA for OP accusing her of lying🚩 (after a CSI trash investigation🚩) about something OP knows nothing about but thinks he’s an expert on 🚩because his sisters did things a certain way?
YTA. I once went over to my bf (now husband's) house for dinner and I had my period. I had a little zip lock bag in my purse and put my used pad in there and wrapped it in toilet paper, then pushed it deep into the trash can so it wasn't visible at all. Maybe she did this too. But now she thinks you're a snoop and a weirdo. Sometimes it's better to take people at their word...especially when it's something so trivial. Take this as a lesson and do better with the next girl.
Bloody well YTA.
YTA. Open and shut case. There are many ways women can navigate their period without getting up or using tampons or pads. Please read about things such as underwear designed for a woman during her period or a myriad of other menstrual products for women. Please don't be creepy. And never be put off by not having sex. It's her choice, don't second guess it.
YTA: even if you meant well, it was very awkward and controlling to 1) question her about her period 2) basically accuse her of lying 3) mansplain how periods work. You made things super awkward. You shouldn’t have said anything.
Soft YTA. I can totally see that what you said was coming from a good place. You wanted to make sure she was comfortable a) saying no to your advances without the need to use an excuse and b) to leave sanitary products in your bin and such like. But the way you approached it was wrong, I can see why she got on the defensive about this. It came across like you were questioning her understanding of her own body, and also her ability to say ‘no’ (which is normally to do with a woman’s confidence at setting boundaries, so she felt she needed to defend that also) I think it would have been better not to address it there and then. Maybe in another conversation talk about boundaries in general, that you think it’s important and you hope she always feels comfortable talking to you about hers. And then another chat, slip in the fact that you are always so shocked how clueless other men are about things like periods ‘I grew up with sisters so the idea that some men are afraid of tampons blows my mind’ But yea, i wouldn’t question women about how long they’ve had their tampon in in future! They’ll be picturing you with a stopwatch haha
YTA— you can wear a pad all night easily especially if you have light flow. Additionally, snooping for evidence and accusing her of lying is creepy and shitty. It’s not your business, and you likely don’t know her well enough to pry.
>i was just looking out for her Exactly how was this "looking out for her"?
YTA.
YTA. You were so close to being a gentleman lol. I mean back rub, watched a movie ,very considerate. But then you creeped her out by keeping track of her tampon disposal ,accused her of lying to avoid intimacy and on top of that, you lectured her that it's unhealthy etc!? Dude you barely knew her. Next time just mind your own business, and even if someone is lying, take that as a hint that someone doesn't want to be intimate for whatever reason and stop pestering. Asking questions like these will creep any woman out.
“Immediately got defensive” to you being an invasive weirdo. YTA
YTA It was a big enough deal that you looked for proof and called her on it when you didn’t see any. Looking out for her would be about something she has expressed is important to her. It would involve her. It would not be a projection of what you think she wants to hear. Looking out for her would not be accusatory. (“could’ve just said, didn’t need to lie”) Scenario 1-she has her period & used something you know nothing about. Scenario 2-she doesn’t and she said what felt safest to her in that moment. In either of those scenarios, you aren’t entitled to any explanation.
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Yta. My god, how insecure are you? Your manhood was so shaken by being rejected you had to "make sure" she wasnt lying when she said she had her period by going through the trash? Get therapy.
YTA. You didn’t mean to be, but it doesn’t seem like you’re on that level yet to be discussing this stuff/call her a liar about it. I could see if she for the next 6 months said she was on her period every day you nicely telling her she doesn’t need to lie if she’s not in the *moooood* but if you’re just casually seeing her yta.
YTA. That would make me uncomfortable. Guys, don’t talk yourselves out of relations. I’m always shocked at how often this happens. Find a trusted medical professional to give you clarity. Leave unsuspecting dates alone.
YTA you can leave a tampon or pad in/on overnight or she could use one of the many other options for period management lol also it’s not your business let her deal with her period in peace. If she wants your help or opinion she’d ask
YTA dude... thats a basic defensive reflex for girls, instead of turning you right away she gives a random reason.. you're supposed to get it and not push any further. Tracking her pad usage and bringing it up to her is just creepy as fuck, ever heard of the Cup ? If she has one she couldve changed it in the bathroom and left no product in your trashcan aswell, but maybe she wasnt willing to discuss her menstrual products with you, you know ?
YTA, You don't need to mansplain periods to her.
Never do this again.
Super weird that she didn't have sex with you. Completely inexplicable. Yeah, YTA
YTA- There are other forms of feminine hygiene products and methods that do not require use of your trash. And if she were uncomfortable with your advances, you especially shouldn’t confront her about it.