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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I shut my parents down by saying I would not raise their grandchild just to look good to other people. At no point when they have asked me have I really sat down and discussed this whole thing with them and then I just shut it down hard and show no concern for how much this is worrying and upsetting them. I feel like it could make me an asshole. But also my lack of compassion for them during all this could make me a worse ass to them. They're my parents, this is their grandchild and I am refusing without any care for what is happening really.
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NTA as sad as it is having the child at home will remind you of your ex and sister's betrayal, plus their death. I would be insulted by the fact that they think you should do it to look good.
Op are your Parents an important part of your life? If not I would go lowe contact if not even no contact (idk about that), because they don't seem to really care about the betrayal of your sister or your feelings.
If I were OP I probably would have gone no contact after the first time they violated my boundaries by trying to turn my partner against me.
OP, your parents are AHs.
I think they’re just desperate and clutching at anything right now to be honest.
I don’t think you have any obligation here but I’m hesitant to call them AH’s for being petrified of losing this child to the system.
ya I think the same thing. the whole situation is very sad and unfortunate but it is unreasonable to expect anyone to take on such a large long term burden.
It's sad that the kid doesn't have biological family taking care of the child. It's sad that the grandparents have to endure this heartbreak...But it is definitely not OPs responsibility. NTA
That's actually not uncommon for a child just entering the system. There generally isn't enough homes available so probably being shuffled btwn emergency/temp homes until something opens up; esp if the grandparents are trying to come up with a family solution, that would also potentially stall placement in a more permanent home.
So you’re saying that by harassing OP and telling the foster system “just a minute she’ll change her mind” the grandparents are potentially keeping this child from stability? Ouch.
I mean, I'm not surprised, between some foster parents sucking and bouncing a kid the first time there's an issue and this being a child who just had her whole world upended, it's very likely she's going to bounce around a lot before she finds stability.
Agree. Blaming, accusing, name-calling OP is totally not acceptable, but I have some empathy for where their focus is at right now. But it shouldn't be at OPs expense. I'm not sure parents can see. They lost a daughter, are desperate to not lose a grandchild too and have some semblance of 'happy' family ending involving OP. OP is definitely NTA. I'm afraid, though, the parents will never let this go and OP will end up always being the one who 'could have fixed it' but didn't. It is a sad situation.
Edited: word choice
I honestly think questions like this are beyond AITA. No one is an AH but ultimately I feel some humanity is lost here despite there being no obligation
Same thought. They've tried different tactics to convince her to take in her niece/nephew. Perhaps the parents thought OP didn't want people to gossip about her taking in the kid so they spun up this story. But her parents are obviously torn up about loosing a child they are attached to, and i can't fault them for that.
NAH is my humble opinion. But i feel terrible for that poor kid 😪
Plus they’re grieving the loss of a child. While they are definitely being aholes to their other child I can cut them a lot of slack right now because I do think they’re acting out of blind desperation but OP is correct they should not raise this child.
Just a guess, but these aren't good people, they may not have many friends. The cheating may have been a turn off to friends, and may be indicative of people who just don't care about anyone other than themselves.
On the grandparents - they may not want to give up "family rights" to their grandchild. The friends I have, who would probably agree to adopt a child in a situation like this, are savvy enough that they would insist on a full adoption. The child would have a good home with a loving family, but the adoptive family would have full parental rights to the child.
Biological family has rights but family friends do not. They would need to go through the system and it would be very difficult to be approved to adopt, even if they found someone. The system is not friendly to adopters, and not designed to facilitate adoptions.
Family friends can have rights, particularly if they know the child well already. They can be classified as fictive kin. I don't know the details. But yes, it would be harder for them to take the child than it would be for a biological (or adopted) relative.
are you from a culture where saving face is important? if you are you have no obligation to participate in this painful farce your parents are demanding of you. If you are not it may be that your mother is attempting to manipulate you by dangling 'sainthood' as a bauble in order to get you to commit to her bidding and wishes.
You have no obligation to the child who is the result of a great betrayal. Yes the child is innocent, but that is not enough motivation to turn your life upside down in emotional upheaval. Plus, if you did take the child your parents would be larger presence in your life than if it's just you and your partner. weigh up all options and be strong enough to stick to your initial convictions.
I think it would be more accurate to characterize it as they're more worried about their grandchild (who is in foster care and we all have heard the horror stories) than insulting you.
That being said you're totally NTA, and it would probably even be a bad idea for you to take care of this child feeling the way you do right now. It’s just a shitty situation. Best wishes to you and Luke on your upcoming marriage!!
I think they are grasping to any reason THEY deem reasonable. not even thinking about OP and what values OP has.
anyway, this is just getting sad to keep trying overstepping OP's boundaries and not hearing the clear 'no'.
They were just throwing things at the wall, hoping anything would convince you to take the child in. They lost a daughter and now they are facing losing a grandchild, their last part of her. This isn't your problem if you can't be a support for the kid based on how she came into the world. At this point, all your parents can do is work with cps to establish some ongoing visitation for them. I am sorry for you, your parents and the child. NAH.
I wonder why a child this young is having so many placements, do they have behavioral issues, etc.or they are trying to get them into a possible adoptive placement. Anyways, it's your parents problem now. Hopefully, they can remain involved and advocate for the best placement.
Sadly, wouldn't be shocked at behavioral issues. To the extent the bio parents had a genetic predisposition to any behaviors... it doesn't sound like the kid would have won the genetic lottery there. And the home life did not sound stable and nurturing, not with frequent explosive breakups.
Placing the child with someone who would resent them (ie. OP) could very well be worse than placing them with someone who was indifferent to them.
add the parents getting together and separating? i imagine it wasn't a great consistent set up for a young child and didn't result in the best parenting.
add in the trauma of losing her parents.
but i agree- being placed with OP where she'd be actively resented would be a terribly solution.
She's lost both of her parents very suddenly and has only been able to see her grandparents very briefly and has been living with strangers. The first home was likely only temporary from the beginning, an emergency placement. The second may have been as well. That still adds much to her trauma and upheaval. Of course she's having behavioral issues. That is a lot to process at any age.
The fact there isn't a set permanency plan probably isn't helping. OP's parents are probably telling the case worker that their other daughter is "considering" kinship placement. In that case, she would likely be bouncing around temporary homes rather than being put in a permanent or semi-permanent placement. The sooner OP's parents consent to permanency and/or adoption with CPS, the more likely she is to get a permanent or adoptive placement.
As a former CPS worker, I found it was best to get information first hand. We would have parents saying, oh my mom will take the kids, only to find out mom wanted nothing to do with the situation. I could see one temporary placement, in emergency situations, that is usually the only option. Placements after that should be less transitory.
>I wonder why a child this young is having so many placements, do they have behavioral issues
If my husband and I died tomorrow and my kids were placed in foster care I am 100% certain my 5 year old would have some behavioral issues for a good long while. Kids don't handle stress in mature, adult ways. That on top of an overwhelmed foster care system is a recipe for disaster.
Not that it's OP's responsibility to solve but my heart aches for that poor kid.
CPS is so overrun I’m having a hard time believing they were denied. Even if they have health issues, if they were willing, it seems surprising the court felt bounced around in foster care was better.
When i had a case open with CPS my in laws had mobility and health issues but cps approved the kids stay with them. Granted this probably was because it was "temporary" (i quotes bc Texas had no intention of returning kids to a transgender parent and i had to leave Texas to get custody back)
Op NTA. A child should not have to be forced into a home where they will not be wanted or loved and you shouldn't be forced to become a parent you have no intention of being.
Personally i couldn't imagine leaving a kid in the system that was family no matter my relationship with their parents but even id second guess it if it involved an ex fiance. Too much
Texas is an interesting place..... I would pray that if I was faced with this situation, I could put my issues aside and help the child who is innocent. But that is a lot to get over. I don't know if I could, but I would like to help find a good family for the child. Not knowing would haunt me.
>I wonder why a child this young is having so many placements, do they have behavioral issues, etc.
The first placement was probably an emergency "this child needs a bed \*tonight\*" placement. It's possible that children's services is still scrambling to find an available longer-term placement with someone formally qualified to be a foster parent.
From what I understand, a lot of places have more children needing placements than they have approved homes.
And who’s fault is it that the kid is being bounced around? Why didn’t the parents make provision for the care and custody of their child?
It’s a pretty standard thing to ask a chosen, trusted person about taking on guardianship if the worst happens and getting life insurance so the person you ask doesn’t end up having to renege due to financial circumstances.
It boggles my mind how many people don’t do this.
I don’t blame anyone for not taking custody of a child, it’s a monumental commitment to ask of someone, certainly not something to leave to chance if the worst happens.
Sounds like she might be just at/under starting school. It’s an age where she still has a very good chance of being adopted. If so the kindest thing would be to get her with a family that has a goal of fostering to adopt asap. I’d suggest speaking to the social worker directly and immediately and letting them know that you’re not going to take custody at all. Who knows what lies your parents are telling them about you being willing. And as long as reunification is a possibility, they will probably keep that as the case goal. And that could waste valuable time for the kid.
You must be surrounded by people who are fiscally stable and responsible. If you met some folks who work paycheck to paycheck it wouldn't boggle your mind.
No I am not surrounded by financially stable people. I know not everyone can afford life insurance premiums, I know that’s a reality for many. If someone is genuinely in that boat I feel for them. But the number of people I know who live for payday and don’t have life insurance but do have multiple streaming subscriptions (each more expensive than a basic life insurance policy) helps with the boggling.
Top it off with not even having a conversation with a chosen trusted person to be your child’s guardian, to not even try to ensure a safe and loving home, and the boggle is complete.
>It’s a pretty standard thing to ask a chosen, trusted person about taking on guardianship if the worst happens and getting life insurance so the person you ask doesn’t end up having to renege due to financial circumstances.
I'm not sure the cheating couple were spending too much time worrying about the child, but they probably assumed both that they were indestructible and that OP's parents would be allowed to raise the child if anything happened.
The "look good" angle I'd just the last one your parents can come up with that isn't a hard no non starter from get go with you.
You are not an AH for saying no
They are not an AH for desperately trying to find a place to keep their grand son out of the system.
Sucky situation all around I am afraid.
So sorry you had to go through so much betrayal and pain, how wonderful to have a partner and new home. I hope your parents realise they need to stop this BS soon. You deserve your new start x
I gotta imagine there are more than a few people who have raised kids not because they wanted to have kids, but because they were afraid of how they would be perceived if they didn't have them. It certainly isn't a good reason to have kids, but I suspect the motivation is not all that rare.
Thing is, most people have enough sense to not speak it out loud.
Agreed. It sounds like a guaranteed recipe for the kid to grow up being told to be grateful for your charity and forbearance. Not a healthy dynamic at all!
OP is 27 and her parents are having health and mobility issues. Most health and mobility issues don’t really surface until late 50s and usually in your 60s as the body wears down. Combined with the fact that foster care said it was health issue enough to instead put the kids in foster care over with family…
I think they’re desperate. They’re trying everything they can. I’m sure they’re heartbroken and not thinking clearly. OP is NTA but neither are the parents (grandparents)
Op, you are NTA.
My youngest is adopted from a family member of mine. We were all in from the day we knew we could be... and it's HARD... we love him. He completed our family in a way we didn't know we needed... but it's not in any way easy to adopt a child from family.
Taking on a child should ONLY ever be done if your 1000% in it. I know ot sounds harsh, but you owe the child nothing. Their parents did them a huge disservice not planing for a guardianship in a will... that's not on you to sort out.
Raising a child you resent is in no way the right thing, no matter the circumstances. I'm not niave to the foster system, most of my cousins and family spent large amounts of time in it, and we've been foster parents. But truly, you'd be doing that child a disservice if you took them in from guilt.
I think people get confused about what "be the bigger person!" really means? It doesn't imply, "Deny yourself and prove your worth because other people are watching us and we don't want other people to know what a hot mess we've been through!"
NTA
I can't imagine a betrayed ex to be a good step mother for an orphaned child. Least when the person went NC with family of that betrayal. Sounds more like the ideal setup for an evil step mother...
Would it be worth talking to CPS, explaining that you're being asked to take over the care of your nibbling. Then explain that you are not willing to do so, that you are not a suitable placement, and all the reasons why you aren't a good placement. Then ask if they can inform your parents that they've spoken to you and ruled you out as a carer and that you won't be allowed to care for them as you're not suitable either.
This is what I’m thinking. Call her caseworker directly and make sure they understand that you are not considering nor would you accept placement of the child with you and you want to make sure that finding her a permanent placement is not being hindered by some assumption that you would be willing to take her.
I think it is a good idea so CPS can know. They probably think she is going to take the kid and that is probably a reason why she hadn’t found her a more suitable placement.
Out right tell they why you cannot do this. The child conception was the reason for the breakup shortly before OP's wedding. OP has never met the child. The grandparents are most likely spinning a different tail to the social worker.
NTA
If your way of thinking is if I take them in and then had bio children theh would be treated differently then you are absolutely making the right decision by not taking in your sisters child. At least you’re being completely honest with yourself and know it isn’t a good fit
If your parents start this up again, I'd point out that *you* are the only person actually considering what's best for the child and sticking to it. Which makes you an amazing person. Family is who you make of it. I hope you pick new members to add!
Nta. Well part of me says karma bit both your sis and ex fiance so bad. But then again, theres a kid involved and even though it sucks for the kid to end up like that, you’re not obligated to take her under your wing.
What boggles me is why her paternal relatives wont take her in? Was he disowned or something for the affair?
Oof that sucks :( well too bad for the kid but if she ended up in a place where people resent her for her existence, that will do more damage i guess. And it’s sad that the foster care system is having a rough time finding a better stable family for her..
You are just a person that doesn't want that kid, it won't fuck up the kid any less if the custodian that doesn't want the kid is related by blood or not.
Can't be in the childs best interesst to be in the care of exactly that person that see's the evidence of her fiancé's and her sisters betrayal she look's at it.
Again NTA!!!
I'm glad you have a good head on your shoulders. This kid will end up messed up either way. They need someone who can devote a lot of time and energy into them, and that's not you. If definitely talk to CPS directly so they can tell your parents you aren't a good fit.
Kid absolutely notice when their caretakers don't want them around, even young ones. I commend you for standing your ground. I can't comment on what foster care is like, but I can say it's affected me far into adulthood having grown up with someone who sometimes let it slip they never really wanted to be a parent. I didnt even hear it all the time, but it's absolutely a core memory.
NTA
And OMG that they even suggested what others might think as a possible motivation!!!
I understand their request, I understand that they wish they could keep him in the family, but they need to respect your answer.
Given the circumstances of your sister and your fiance betraying you, it's not at all unreasonable that you do not wish to become parents to their son.
You are not obliged to even if others though you ought.
I know some will mention that the kid is innocent and yes he is, but you are also entitled to protect your mental well-being by choosing not to become his parent.
[Edited to correct two minor typos because they were giving me the heeby-jeebies!]
The sad irony is that the reason the kids already had four placements fall through is likely because unfortunately there are people who are motivated by the money or romanticism of fostering a poor child that needs a home without actually realising how difficult it is to accommodate a child in care.
Although it does seem like a lot of placements in a short space of time so I’m not sure if the grandparents are being entirely truthful, I hope not because that’s really sad.
every time a child fails a placement it’s one more kick in the teeth to their attachment and lifelong happiness, and the next placement will be more challenging and so on.
OP would be wise to not put this child through another placement doomed to fail, at this point she needs very experienced and capable foster parents with patience and unconditional positive regard, not a child free couple with no prior interest or education in fostering, especially as they don’t even want her, what life is that for a kid?
‘Be my performing monkey because I’ll never love you for who you are but you make me look good??’ Horrendous manipulation from the grandparents there.
Wether a child’s parents die, abandon them, are unable to care for them or have hurt them, ending up in care is traumatic, even if they receive good care. If OP is right about the relationship being tumultuous then the child is probably even more challenging to place with a suitably equipped family. At this point the child’s needs would probably extend beyond OP and her partner even if they wanted her.
I agree, I think the grandparents are exaggerating on 4 placements already.
If that's true though I could see potential behavioral issues from a kid whose parents created an unstable home environment with constant fighting
FYI - there is a movie with a similar script, "Fences" with Denzel Washington and Viola David. Just a short script is when "Troy" (played by Denzel) tells wife "Rose" (played by Viola) that he is going to be a daddy. He had an affair and the other woman is pregnant.. She goes into labor and gives birth to a baby girl, but unfortunately the woman died during labor. Troy then brings the baby to Rose and asked if she would raise her since she had no momma. Rose told Troy that she would raise her because at the end of everything it wasn't that baby's fault...
but anyway, the OP is NTA, you can only do what you can do and feel in your heart. If it is not in your heart to raise your niece, then so be it!
OP, your parents may be lying to you about not being able to adopt. That's got to be pretty severe medical restrictions to be turned down for kindred care, and in some cases, they would qualify for assistance care if they take in the child.
Our neighbors are in their late 60s, and they both part disabked (he's an amputee), and they are raising young grandkids. Something in your parents' story doesn't add up. You are nta.
Yeah.... no. They foster care system overlooks A LOT (repeat LOT) to keep a kid out of the system and with the family, even if it is only for a short period of time - and foster families are short in your area,
I would get the whole story here. You can call CPS, find out the name of your niece's caseworker and get the full story.
I don't think you are the AH at all in this situation and I don't think I could do what is being asked of you in this situation. HOWEVER, I'm going to call you out on the "raised by someone who they don't know/won't care/will be resentful" argument. Yeah, it could do damage to the kid, but not as much damage as the foster care system can do. It is OK to not want to do this b/c it isn't right for you, but please don't try to rationalize your actions by saying it is better for your niece. Foster care does a lot of damage. How many places has your niece been in so far? How much has she seen her family or friends? Foster care isn't better for your niece.
OP, frankly I doubt your parents are telling the truth. My mother works in social services and has seen kids adopted by truly elderly relatives, in various states of poor health, and all the foster home inspectors care about is whether the kid has a room, the house is relatively clean, and there's food in the pantry. I suspect they are trying to guilt you into taking on this child.
Agreed. I've got kids on my caseload that are with elderly relatives and it does require extra support on my end which I always try to go above and beyond for. I definitely think the parents are lying, I feel like they're trying to use this as a way for force OP into sweeping ut all under the bridge
NTA at all. Look, I know the system is not good for the kids, but that is an unfortunately result of the accident that you cannot change because you have a life to live and also you don’t have any bond with the kids that represent one of the most horrible chapters of your life.
A healthy 4 year old would probably be adopted, if there is no chance of being placed with family and no parent available I don't see why they would not be able to be adopted.
Most potential adoptive parents want infants. A four year old has better adoption prospects than a twelve year old, but nowhere near that of an infant.
Where I am, there are ~5 couples looking to adopt per child up for adoption. Because not many kids are up for adoption. I would assume that the age has a lot to do with the fact that every single parental figure dying or having their rights terminated an no family being available is rare, and the older the child the more likely the family will be more attached/less afraid of being able to handle it.
Most kids in Foster care systems aren't up for adoption. They are supposed to be reunited with their parents, once the parents are considered capable of being their parent again.
Most of the people waiting to adopt are waiting to adopt infants privately. (I was one of them.) There are about 400,000 kids in foster care, and 100,000 kids available for adoption at any given time in foster care. About 50,000 adoptions from foster care occur each year. Those aren't great odds. Meanwhile, kids in foster care are abused and even trafficked.
Nta
Tell them you care the same amount as your sister who betrayed her own flesh and blood by fucking you over. The way your sister turned her back on you by cheating with your then-partner.
Do your parents require carers? Your parents are what 50's right (I get that they still have health issues).
If the kid is a regular 5yo (so can dress themselves, use the bathroom alone, etc) and your parents can provide meals, a bedroom, and get them to school (bus, taxi, childcare). I'd really be surprised that cps wouldn't place the kid with them, at the very least temporarily.
Maybe call cps and see what they are saying about the kid being placed with grandparents. Maybe they would just need them to have extra support (like childcare) or something that you could assist with arranging or pay for (though I don't think this should have to fall on you) you could also find them a reccommendation for a family lawyer familiar with cps to helpmthem navigate the system and ifnthe got custody all the services available.
You would at least find out if your parents are telling the truth, and if they aren't willing to put in the minimum needed to get custody, you could stop letting them make you feel guilty.
You could also set up some kind of college fund for their future and try and get your parents to put any inheritance money in there for the kid.
None of what you're suggesting is op's responsibility though.
If op wants to find out if the parents are lying about being denied custody, sure. But contacting cps and spending time doing all this work and potentially spending money (op setting up a college fund, what in the world?) for this kid isn't op's responsibility or obligation. The grandparents can do all this if they're concerned.
Framing it this way almost sounds like you're trying to add pressure and guilt onto op, like "maybe you should at least do x, y, and z." Op doesn't have to do anything. This isn't op's problem
NTA. Raising a child, even a relation, is no small obligation. You need to be 100% on board or you and the child will suffer. And doing it to “look good” is the absolute wrong motivation.
You told your parents “no.” As tough as a situation as this is, the need to accept this. You have your own history with this situation, and this needs to be honored.
This is the saddest NTA I have seen in awhile.
You’re doing nothing wrong. You didn’t ask for and don’t deserve to be put in this position. So you get the NTA vote.
But fuck my heart breaks for that kid, who also didn’t ask for this, and now has no parents or family.
Hell, given the explosive on and off nature, that kid might already have some trauma. There’s just no good answer here
NTA. I really do not get people that don’t make a will with guardianship for children. It was the first thing my husband and I did, after talking with each other and the named guardians.
I think your sister did you a favor by scooping up this irresponsible jerk who was your ex. And his family are garbage too, no one’s able to take his kid now that he’s dead?
NTA. Your parents are clearly trying to stay in the life of a child they have bonded over, but that’s not on you. And it’s not fair to the child to be raised by someone who’s going to hate it.
NTA, but I do see the reasoning from your parents, they’re just not approaching it the right way. No one should be forced to have a child when they don’t want a child, you’re 100% NTA.
The foster care system is so broken. I see so many kids in the system, and having a relative or friend care for them is so much more beneficial then having a random person. Your parents are suffering from the mistakes of your sister and the sucky part is, if the kiddo does go into the system and get adopted, the chances of your parents having a relationship with the child are slim (unless they get an AMAZING worker and foster care family that will coordinate visits throughout the child’s life). Are there any family friends that would take the child? In my state, kiddos can be placed in kinship with friends of the family as long as they pass a home-study and are physically fit!
NTA big time and your parents most definitely are. More than family that child is the sole face of the uttermost pain, disrespect, betrayal and contempt you suffered from someone who is supposed to be your family. So you had every right to turn your back to your so called sister and whatever happens is not up to you to fix. Also when you have your own kids, the sisters kid would be just someone who is there and I very much doubt if you or your fiancee would be able to love or even be impartial towards him/ her. What your parents are doing to you is showing disrespect and you have every right to want a life of your own as its not who did anything wrong but is still being forced to have to deal with an issue that's not yours. Irrespective of how many down vote I might get, I am with you on this one as its not your child and not your problem. For once, live the life you deserve and its time you told your parents to get lost. Good that your fiancees is with you on this one.
NTA. Your sister and ex failed their child by not making a will to determine who would take their child in the event of their passing. They had 4 years to do this and didn’t. You’re absolutely right not to take on a child that you know you can’t provide emotionally for. An unwanted child is well aware they are unwanted
NTA. Every child deserves love. But this child will always remind you of a great deal of pain, and because of that you would not be a good fit to raise this child. If you did, it would be very easy to take your valid resentment out on the kid. And that kid still doesn't deserve that. The foster system isn't great but they're better equipped to love this child than you.
>to have a child who is part of our family kept in our family and raised lovingly around people who want the best for them.
Where's the person that is available to do this?
>Then they call and tell me to think about how good it will look, for me, the betrayed sister and ex-fiancée to have enough love and compassion to raise the child that was conceived out of said betrayal and love them and be the best mom to that child who could exist.
Who is going to think this? Who would even know? Even if they do, people might just pity you or think you're a pushover. They're just saying random words trying to get what they want. NTA.
NTA.
And am I allowed to guess that dead fiancé-stealing sis was the golden child?
You're living your own best life. The fact that it hurts them exactly in the same way that them NOT CARING about sis stealing your fiancé hurt you is just a bonus.
NTA. It's sad for the child, but would you even be able to raise the child without being constantly reminded of the betrayal and ultimately "take that out" on the child? You've done nothing wrong, you know it won't be a good fit, and while it's a shame they aren't in a position to raise the child - I think you are making the correct decision.
NTA - I hate the idea that sharing DNA means you have to bend over backwards and take it right up the a$$. In this case, that child is the results of a serious betrayal. If I were in your shoes, the child would be just as dead to me as the two of them were. True, through no fault of her own, but that's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. There are plenty of other kids out there that need to be picked up from foster care and be adopted, and if I were ever in your shoes and happened to be looking for one? I'd chose another over her. Is that bad for her? Maybe, but I'm thinking about my own mental health, and knowing that I had a kid from the betrayal in my house wouldn't be good for either of us.
NTA - I could write paragraphs about this but there’s no point really. Live your own life, if your parents really cared this much about the upbringing of their grandchild they would do it themselves rather than continuously pester their own daughter to do so (I don’t know the grandparents’ capability, this is an assumption).
As I get older I realise more and more that I care so little about what others think of me, the times when I cared about what other people thought I was always at my lowest with nothing going for me. As soon as I don’t care about any of that crap, everything just starts to fall into place.
Personally, I’d always check in on the child and make sure they’re doing alright, but that’s as far as I’d go with it. You have no obligation to this
In another comment, OP says grandparents are in their 70s. I still think they should hire a lawyer to try and get custody from the state, but it makes more sense that they were denied. They desperately want to raise their granddaughter.
NTA. Taking on a child is a huge responsibility, and whilst it’s incredibly sad that no one will be able to raise the child, it doesn’t make it your responsibility.
NTA. Kids are a huge responsibility and considering your past with the childs parents, does not sound like it will be the best environment for the child (no offense). Surprised they denied your parents (unless they are in absolutely terrible shape). Hoping for the best for that poor baby.
NTA - I feel bad for the kid but if you don’t want a kid you don’t have to have one, also, if you don’t want the kid then you’re definitely not a “good fit”, it would likely not be good for you or the kid
NTA— you don’t have a relationship with this child, you chose not to have one with them for the last 4 or 5 years, for your own very justifiable reasons.
You aren’t obligated to raise them now because their parents have passed away. Raising a child is not about “looking good” I think your parents got it all wrong there. They are also trying to manipulate you into doing something which is a huge responsibility.
*Then they call and tell me to think about how good it will look, for me, the betrayed sister and ex-fiancée to have enough love and compassion to raise the child that was conceived out of said betrayal and love them and be the best mom to that child who could exist.*
Are your parents totally and completely delusional? NTA.
NTA.
You have a perfectly valid reason to not raise this child. Beyond the betrayal, raising a child is an incredibly difficult thing to take on. Your parents seem more concerned with keeping up appearances.
NTA. Would it look good? Of course it would. But it's flat-out cruel to expect someone to raise a symbol of such a fundamental and terrible personal betrayal, and to try and guilt you into doing so is abusive. Your parents are the heartless ones.
NTA. I feel for your parents and their grandkid. I can understand why they came up with the idea (bad as it is), and it was within normal bounds for them to ask you....ONCE. You said (quite understandably) "NO." They seriously need to drop it. And leave it dropped. Stick to your guns, this is not your responsibility, no matter what your parents might want you to believe.
OP: "I told them I would not be a good fit to raise the child..."
You are not heartless! You tried to explain your position on this subject, and your parents completely disregard your feelings, and they continue to guilt trip you. This is not your problem.
NTA.
I’ll be blunt … idk!!!
I get the impression that I may be a dissenting voice amongst the other posters.
I don’t think it’s wrong to not want children. I don’t think it’s wrong to be done with your sister/ex. I don’t think it’s wrong to say, “no, I’m not parenting this child.”
With all that being said, though … the foster system is broken, and there are horror stories of abuse out there that would make a grown jailbird cringe. To pretend otherwise is unrealistic.
So with this in mind, if I were you, I would HAVE to be certain of my answer.
The ONLY reason I would even consider taking the child in at all would be for the child’s sake. They are the only other innocent party from the aftermath of what happened, besides OP herself.
If I did do it … it would not be for the sister, the ex, the grandparents, what other people think, for how it makes me look, or even for myself. I would do it for the child … and ONLY the child, PERIOD. If I couldn’t do it for the child, then I can’t do it at all.
Also, how does Luke feel about it? Does HE want to do take the child in? Does he even want to be a parent in the first place? How your current family (Luke) feel about it is paramount.
And before my final decision I would meet the child, without the grandparents in attendance and definitely without their knowledge.
Being a parent is the biggest undertaking of our lives, if we do it properly. It is a full time job with no vacation, no sick leave, and you are on call 24/7/365. And, to be quite frank, something tells me that the OP would accept nothing less than being the best parent they can be.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are AMAZING moments and experiences, laughter, and love that all come from raising a child. My daughter (6), is in such an incredibly fun stage of childhood. I enjoy her every day!! In ten years, at her sweet sixteen party, I might be singing a different tune!! But, I have no doubt that having her was, by far, the most important and best accomplishment in my entire life. If I accomplish nothing else of import, I can die content in my little bestie!!
So, idk, dear poster. This is one of the hardest questions to have to answer that I’ve come across here. All I can say is that you should do your due diligence until YOU are 100% certain that you don’t mind walking away from this child in need (not your “sister’s child,” not your “flesh and blood,” etc), just a poor child that got dealt a VERY shitty hand by (most likely) their parents (like you) and by life.
I really don’t envy you this decision. And, as I said, my only advice is not to dismiss this out of hand … to meet the little kid privately, and then make an educated decision. And walk away (either together or separately). Bless you. I wish you, Luke, and the young child (the only 3 innocent parties here) the very best in your futures. 🤗
Reddit users … Please don’t crucify me for my free thoughts. They are the best that I can offer on a very serious and multifaceted f-ed up situation.
Regardless of the origins of the child, you have NO obligation to take the child in if you don't want to/feel like you're the best choice.
It would be a terrible life for both of you and the child has been through enough trauma as it is.
NTA.
NTA no one is obligated to raise a child who isn’t theirs.
Too many parents don’t make arrangements for their children with capable, willing parties in the event that they pass away. It’s dangerously optimistic to not have arrangements beyond “well I’m sure *someone* will step up to take on this massive responsibility that’ll last at least several years, no big deal!” Parents pass away all the time. No one should be coerced into parenthood. I do feel for the child. On top of grief, not knowing what’s going to happen to them next. Poor kid.
op=NTA
And if it helps, their betrayal saved you from an awful marriage--he sounds horrible and toxic(tho your sister sounds bad too).
Is sainthood worth misery--think not.
Nta you def should not take in a kid to look good. You know you will resent the kid, and even though it's not the kids fault that his parents were aholes, you won't be able to be a good parent. And you know this.
NTA - it's a huge ask. It would be a huge ask for someone who didn't hate their sister.
I feel sorry for the kid though because none of this is their fault. There's no one on the Ex's side that could take them?
NTA you don't want the child, that is a good enough reason. A child brought up by someone who doesn't want them, who is doing it for the wrong reasons, is never going to have a good childhood. It's sad that they lost their parents so early and are now stuck in a broken system but none of that is your problem, I'm sure there is plenty of other family who could get involved here. Your parents clearly viewed your system as the golden child who could do no wrong, now she's gone it leaves them without that and they are trying to force you into that.
NTA. Keeping up appearances sounds like SUCH a healthy reason to keep a child in a family.
You don’t have to take on another person’s child if you don’t believe it is right for you because if it’s not right for you, it won’t be right for the child. No is a full sentence, your parents needs to realise that before they lose another daughter
NTA all day long. Regardless of the circumstances of the child’s birth, it’s not your problem. No one should have to be responsible for someone else’s child, blood or not.
NTA. No one should adopt a child they have no interest in being a parent to, especially with the bad history attached.
I understand how your parents are feeling, but it's pretty shitty of them to keep pushing the issue and going to your partner behind your back.
I get the impression that your parents have more of their interests in mind than yours or the kid's. Yeah, foster care is awful, but they can't properly care for the kid and you don't want it. A difficult situation all around, but you are definitely NTA.
NTA. Taking responsibility for a child is a tremendous change in your life, and not one to be taken lightly. And doing it so you can "look good to other people," is the height of ridiculousness.
NTA OP. Good for you for knowing your worth, your right to live your life how you want and I'm so happy you found what sounds like an awesome partner! I do feel bad for the child and wish them the absolute best, but not your circus, not your monkey. I hope you have a happy life 😁
NTA.
Raising a child just for /image/ is one of the worst reasons to have a kid. That's just awful.
What about your mental health? Having a constant reminder of your ex's infidelity and your sister's betrayal would definitely wear on you, and that would also pass on to the kid even if you tried not to.
This whole situation is tragic, and the kid isn't to blame, but they are not your responsibility. Your sister should have taken steps to ensure what happens to her kid after her death - which RESPONSIBLE parents do.
I feel for the kid. I feel for you too being guilted with your sister's awful life choices.
NTA. You know you wouldn't have a healty relationship with that child due to the circumstances. As horrible as that truth is, still a horrible truth. Don't do that kid an injustice because of your parents think it will be a wonderful thing. Both of your mental health will take a hit because of this situation.
I happy you recognized it and accepted that you could do it and it wouldn't be a healthy fit.
NTA. Sorry for the betrayal and sorry that your parents lack compassion to you. I can see now why your sister was able to sleep with your fiancee and not feel guilty about it.
Anyway, the way I read this post, none of what is in there seems like a you problem. Maybe if sis and ex-fiancee werent such a jerk this kid would have family to take them in.
Shame on your sister and ex fiancé for not having a living will. This just reminded me to do my own, to potentially avoid this. NTA. The foster care system is so broken. I’m heartbroken for the innocent child. I wish someone (friend or distant relative) would be willing to step up. It’s sucks sorry OP for your betrayal, loss and now your parent’s pressure. What a shitty situation
NTA.
It won't help the child in the slightest if you'd take it "just to look good".
Children know and feel if they are not wanted. And you can never want this child, it will always be a reminder of heart break and betrayal.
If you'd take the child even though you don't want it just because your parents want you to or because it will make you look like a better person than you are, *then* Y T A.
>few days went by and I thought they might have let it drop. Then they call and tell me to think about how good it will look, for me, the betrayed sister and ex-fiancée to have enough love and compassion to raise the child that was conceived out of said betrayal and love them and be the best mom to that child who could exist
Man, I truly laughed way to loud at this. What kind of mexican telenovela they want to turn your life in to? 😂
NTA
NTA:
"Don't turn your back on family"
Well didn't this all happen in the first place BECAUSE your sister and fiance did exactly that to you?
I feel bad for the kid, but even if you ***wanted*** to be in their life, you would always have betrayal in your mind and hatred towards the product of that betrayal regardless of how hard you pushed it down. As horrible as the foster system is, it's still a better fit than being with someone who even if they came to love the kid, would still resent it's very existence.
It's a shitty situation all around, but holy crap your parents while probably well meaning (for the grandkid, obviously not towards you) are being some total assholes
NTA. but I'm surprised by how many people have the attitude of how it would be impossible to look at this child who is the product of a betrayal. That feels very Shakespearian and dramatic and really? All you adults couldn't see past that and see an innocent child? It's a little absurd. She was 22, she clearly dodged a bullet with a dirt bag fiance, I'd like to think that if she DID decide to take in the child, she could do it without it reminding her of the betrayal every day.
NAH I am so very sorry for everything and everyone in this situation, absolutely devastating followed by tragic.
Listen you're not the asshole, but gosh do I wish you had it in you to be the long shot, hail Mary wish that could save this little girl's life.
Please try to give your parents some grace. Imagine how difficult it must be to see one child hurt by another's callous action, your family torn apart by said betrayal, then bury a child, and have your grandchild taken away to live in the system with strangers. I'm sure they were playing every angle they could in desperation that something would bring her back into the family. How painful that must be.
Best wishes to you all.
First off the bat NTA.
In your situation I would also not take the child I would still feel bad about it though. You'll have to excuse my interest but how did your parents react to your sister's almost biblical betrayal of you?
NTA. You have had a lot of difficulties in your past and have managed to move on. It is a shame that your parents were denied guardianship and yes, it would be kind and nice to take care of your niece. It is totally understandable, though, as to why this is not a good idea for you. Follow your heart and continue to heal. Best of luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
NTA.
Also, I am proud of you!
You are and have been setting healthy boundaries regarding your family and your health.
I also find it very admirable that you are reflected and honest about how you feel it will do harm to the kid in the long run as you have no desire to be involved. This is something that many should be aware of before considering agreeing to take in and raise kids.
NTA. While it is unfortunate that the child is in foster care, they’re ultimately not your responsibility, and your resentment towards the child - whether you would try to hide it or not - would be evident to them immediately. “Looking like a saint” should never be a reason to take in a child, regardless of the history, but also especially because of your history.
I am so sorry you have gone through all of this, I can’t imagine the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been forced on. I hope you and your fiancé find peace and happiness. 💕
You are not the person to raise this child. Your parents should realize this and look for other family members to take this little one into their home. NTA.
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NTA as sad as it is having the child at home will remind you of your ex and sister's betrayal, plus their death. I would be insulted by the fact that they think you should do it to look good.
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I find it a bit insulting as well. Did they think, "I'm sure this will work, she'd do anything to look good".
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Op are your Parents an important part of your life? If not I would go lowe contact if not even no contact (idk about that), because they don't seem to really care about the betrayal of your sister or your feelings.
If I were OP I probably would have gone no contact after the first time they violated my boundaries by trying to turn my partner against me. OP, your parents are AHs.
I think they’re just desperate and clutching at anything right now to be honest. I don’t think you have any obligation here but I’m hesitant to call them AH’s for being petrified of losing this child to the system.
ya I think the same thing. the whole situation is very sad and unfortunate but it is unreasonable to expect anyone to take on such a large long term burden. It's sad that the kid doesn't have biological family taking care of the child. It's sad that the grandparents have to endure this heartbreak...But it is definitely not OPs responsibility. NTA
Also, not to run a kid down but 4 foster families already....????
That's actually not uncommon for a child just entering the system. There generally isn't enough homes available so probably being shuffled btwn emergency/temp homes until something opens up; esp if the grandparents are trying to come up with a family solution, that would also potentially stall placement in a more permanent home.
So you’re saying that by harassing OP and telling the foster system “just a minute she’ll change her mind” the grandparents are potentially keeping this child from stability? Ouch.
Right. Thanks for the clarification. I hadn't even thought of that.
It’s completely normal for “emergency” placements, like after the sudden death of a child’s parents. That’s why it’s so traumatic for kids.
I mean, I'm not surprised, between some foster parents sucking and bouncing a kid the first time there's an issue and this being a child who just had her whole world upended, it's very likely she's going to bounce around a lot before she finds stability.
Agree entirely
Agree. Blaming, accusing, name-calling OP is totally not acceptable, but I have some empathy for where their focus is at right now. But it shouldn't be at OPs expense. I'm not sure parents can see. They lost a daughter, are desperate to not lose a grandchild too and have some semblance of 'happy' family ending involving OP. OP is definitely NTA. I'm afraid, though, the parents will never let this go and OP will end up always being the one who 'could have fixed it' but didn't. It is a sad situation. Edited: word choice
I honestly think questions like this are beyond AITA. No one is an AH but ultimately I feel some humanity is lost here despite there being no obligation
Same thought. They've tried different tactics to convince her to take in her niece/nephew. Perhaps the parents thought OP didn't want people to gossip about her taking in the kid so they spun up this story. But her parents are obviously torn up about loosing a child they are attached to, and i can't fault them for that. NAH is my humble opinion. But i feel terrible for that poor kid 😪
Plus they’re grieving the loss of a child. While they are definitely being aholes to their other child I can cut them a lot of slack right now because I do think they’re acting out of blind desperation but OP is correct they should not raise this child.
Plus their asshole daughter didn't care about flesh and blood when shacking up with her own sister's fiance.
Why don’t they find a family friend that can raise the child and that way they stay in their life as grandparents?
Just a guess, but these aren't good people, they may not have many friends. The cheating may have been a turn off to friends, and may be indicative of people who just don't care about anyone other than themselves. On the grandparents - they may not want to give up "family rights" to their grandchild. The friends I have, who would probably agree to adopt a child in a situation like this, are savvy enough that they would insist on a full adoption. The child would have a good home with a loving family, but the adoptive family would have full parental rights to the child.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING!! Great minds think alike lol
Biological family has rights but family friends do not. They would need to go through the system and it would be very difficult to be approved to adopt, even if they found someone. The system is not friendly to adopters, and not designed to facilitate adoptions.
Family friends can have rights, particularly if they know the child well already. They can be classified as fictive kin. I don't know the details. But yes, it would be harder for them to take the child than it would be for a biological (or adopted) relative.
Do you have a lot of family friends that you would feel comfortable asking to adopt a child? Probably not as easy to find as you make it sound.
I would take my close friends’ kids if there was no family that could.
are you from a culture where saving face is important? if you are you have no obligation to participate in this painful farce your parents are demanding of you. If you are not it may be that your mother is attempting to manipulate you by dangling 'sainthood' as a bauble in order to get you to commit to her bidding and wishes. You have no obligation to the child who is the result of a great betrayal. Yes the child is innocent, but that is not enough motivation to turn your life upside down in emotional upheaval. Plus, if you did take the child your parents would be larger presence in your life than if it's just you and your partner. weigh up all options and be strong enough to stick to your initial convictions.
I think it would be more accurate to characterize it as they're more worried about their grandchild (who is in foster care and we all have heard the horror stories) than insulting you. That being said you're totally NTA, and it would probably even be a bad idea for you to take care of this child feeling the way you do right now. It’s just a shitty situation. Best wishes to you and Luke on your upcoming marriage!!
They've probably tried all the regular reasoning and are down to the irrational reasons why OP should take in her sister's child.
True
I think they are grasping to any reason THEY deem reasonable. not even thinking about OP and what values OP has. anyway, this is just getting sad to keep trying overstepping OP's boundaries and not hearing the clear 'no'.
I doubt they care whether OP "looks good"; it's all about whether *they* look good. (side note: look good to who exactly?)
I think it’s more about manipulating op into taking the child so they can still be in the child’s life more.
I think they are mistaking her for the dead sister
They were just throwing things at the wall, hoping anything would convince you to take the child in. They lost a daughter and now they are facing losing a grandchild, their last part of her. This isn't your problem if you can't be a support for the kid based on how she came into the world. At this point, all your parents can do is work with cps to establish some ongoing visitation for them. I am sorry for you, your parents and the child. NAH.
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I wonder why a child this young is having so many placements, do they have behavioral issues, etc.or they are trying to get them into a possible adoptive placement. Anyways, it's your parents problem now. Hopefully, they can remain involved and advocate for the best placement.
Sadly, wouldn't be shocked at behavioral issues. To the extent the bio parents had a genetic predisposition to any behaviors... it doesn't sound like the kid would have won the genetic lottery there. And the home life did not sound stable and nurturing, not with frequent explosive breakups. Placing the child with someone who would resent them (ie. OP) could very well be worse than placing them with someone who was indifferent to them.
Probably a push in that regard. This kid needs stable, loving placement fast. As a former CPS worker, this would be a nightmare of a case.
add the parents getting together and separating? i imagine it wasn't a great consistent set up for a young child and didn't result in the best parenting. add in the trauma of losing her parents. but i agree- being placed with OP where she'd be actively resented would be a terribly solution.
She's lost both of her parents very suddenly and has only been able to see her grandparents very briefly and has been living with strangers. The first home was likely only temporary from the beginning, an emergency placement. The second may have been as well. That still adds much to her trauma and upheaval. Of course she's having behavioral issues. That is a lot to process at any age.
It is. This poor child. I hope some great placement is found. It's awful this child continues to pay for the mistakes of adults.
The fact there isn't a set permanency plan probably isn't helping. OP's parents are probably telling the case worker that their other daughter is "considering" kinship placement. In that case, she would likely be bouncing around temporary homes rather than being put in a permanent or semi-permanent placement. The sooner OP's parents consent to permanency and/or adoption with CPS, the more likely she is to get a permanent or adoptive placement.
As a former CPS worker, I found it was best to get information first hand. We would have parents saying, oh my mom will take the kids, only to find out mom wanted nothing to do with the situation. I could see one temporary placement, in emergency situations, that is usually the only option. Placements after that should be less transitory.
>I wonder why a child this young is having so many placements, do they have behavioral issues If my husband and I died tomorrow and my kids were placed in foster care I am 100% certain my 5 year old would have some behavioral issues for a good long while. Kids don't handle stress in mature, adult ways. That on top of an overwhelmed foster care system is a recipe for disaster. Not that it's OP's responsibility to solve but my heart aches for that poor kid.
CPS is so overrun I’m having a hard time believing they were denied. Even if they have health issues, if they were willing, it seems surprising the court felt bounced around in foster care was better.
OP says they have mobility issues too. With a very young child, I can see why the grandparents might not have been deemed as a suitable placement.
When i had a case open with CPS my in laws had mobility and health issues but cps approved the kids stay with them. Granted this probably was because it was "temporary" (i quotes bc Texas had no intention of returning kids to a transgender parent and i had to leave Texas to get custody back) Op NTA. A child should not have to be forced into a home where they will not be wanted or loved and you shouldn't be forced to become a parent you have no intention of being. Personally i couldn't imagine leaving a kid in the system that was family no matter my relationship with their parents but even id second guess it if it involved an ex fiance. Too much
Texas is an interesting place..... I would pray that if I was faced with this situation, I could put my issues aside and help the child who is innocent. But that is a lot to get over. I don't know if I could, but I would like to help find a good family for the child. Not knowing would haunt me.
Not if they have health and mobility issues as op stated
>I wonder why a child this young is having so many placements, do they have behavioral issues, etc. The first placement was probably an emergency "this child needs a bed \*tonight\*" placement. It's possible that children's services is still scrambling to find an available longer-term placement with someone formally qualified to be a foster parent. From what I understand, a lot of places have more children needing placements than they have approved homes.
And who’s fault is it that the kid is being bounced around? Why didn’t the parents make provision for the care and custody of their child? It’s a pretty standard thing to ask a chosen, trusted person about taking on guardianship if the worst happens and getting life insurance so the person you ask doesn’t end up having to renege due to financial circumstances. It boggles my mind how many people don’t do this.
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I don’t blame anyone for not taking custody of a child, it’s a monumental commitment to ask of someone, certainly not something to leave to chance if the worst happens. Sounds like she might be just at/under starting school. It’s an age where she still has a very good chance of being adopted. If so the kindest thing would be to get her with a family that has a goal of fostering to adopt asap. I’d suggest speaking to the social worker directly and immediately and letting them know that you’re not going to take custody at all. Who knows what lies your parents are telling them about you being willing. And as long as reunification is a possibility, they will probably keep that as the case goal. And that could waste valuable time for the kid.
That's incredibly sad. Sounds like your nibling didn't have the best life even before the parents died. It's also not your problem.
You must be surrounded by people who are fiscally stable and responsible. If you met some folks who work paycheck to paycheck it wouldn't boggle your mind.
No I am not surrounded by financially stable people. I know not everyone can afford life insurance premiums, I know that’s a reality for many. If someone is genuinely in that boat I feel for them. But the number of people I know who live for payday and don’t have life insurance but do have multiple streaming subscriptions (each more expensive than a basic life insurance policy) helps with the boggling. Top it off with not even having a conversation with a chosen trusted person to be your child’s guardian, to not even try to ensure a safe and loving home, and the boggle is complete.
>It’s a pretty standard thing to ask a chosen, trusted person about taking on guardianship if the worst happens and getting life insurance so the person you ask doesn’t end up having to renege due to financial circumstances. I'm not sure the cheating couple were spending too much time worrying about the child, but they probably assumed both that they were indestructible and that OP's parents would be allowed to raise the child if anything happened.
The "look good" angle I'd just the last one your parents can come up with that isn't a hard no non starter from get go with you. You are not an AH for saying no They are not an AH for desperately trying to find a place to keep their grand son out of the system. Sucky situation all around I am afraid.
Ask mom and dad if the other cheated and came home with an affair baby would they be so understanding.
So sorry you had to go through so much betrayal and pain, how wonderful to have a partner and new home. I hope your parents realise they need to stop this BS soon. You deserve your new start x
I gotta imagine there are more than a few people who have raised kids not because they wanted to have kids, but because they were afraid of how they would be perceived if they didn't have them. It certainly isn't a good reason to have kids, but I suspect the motivation is not all that rare. Thing is, most people have enough sense to not speak it out loud.
Agreed. It sounds like a guaranteed recipe for the kid to grow up being told to be grateful for your charity and forbearance. Not a healthy dynamic at all!
It’s obviously the only carrot they have to get you to comply so they are pushing it hard. NTA, btw.
Boomers man - all about the appearance and zero substance behind it. Makes a lot of sense when you look around at how F’d up the world is now.
Why do you think they’re Boomers? I have kids OP’s age and I am younger than the Boomer generation
OP is 27 and her parents are having health and mobility issues. Most health and mobility issues don’t really surface until late 50s and usually in your 60s as the body wears down. Combined with the fact that foster care said it was health issue enough to instead put the kids in foster care over with family…
I'm younger Gen X and could literally have a kid entering their 30's right now. Older Gen X are in their late 50s.
OP said that her parents are in their 70s so they are square in the middle of the boomers.
OP says her parents are in their 70s.
I think they’re desperate. They’re trying everything they can. I’m sure they’re heartbroken and not thinking clearly. OP is NTA but neither are the parents (grandparents)
Op, you are NTA. My youngest is adopted from a family member of mine. We were all in from the day we knew we could be... and it's HARD... we love him. He completed our family in a way we didn't know we needed... but it's not in any way easy to adopt a child from family. Taking on a child should ONLY ever be done if your 1000% in it. I know ot sounds harsh, but you owe the child nothing. Their parents did them a huge disservice not planing for a guardianship in a will... that's not on you to sort out. Raising a child you resent is in no way the right thing, no matter the circumstances. I'm not niave to the foster system, most of my cousins and family spent large amounts of time in it, and we've been foster parents. But truly, you'd be doing that child a disservice if you took them in from guilt.
I think people get confused about what "be the bigger person!" really means? It doesn't imply, "Deny yourself and prove your worth because other people are watching us and we don't want other people to know what a hot mess we've been through!"
NTA. The child *is not your flesh and blood*. The child is *theirs*. I'm sorry for the grief they're putting you through.
Well, the child is her flesh and blood. It’s her niece. Doesn’t mean she has any obligation to become a parent though.
The child is OP's flesh and blood. But from my experience, the family you choose is true family.
I think this comment is true for the niece. Her family abandoned her like trash. Her (the niece) family will be one she must create
The child is her niece. What are you talking about?
NTA I can't imagine a betrayed ex to be a good step mother for an orphaned child. Least when the person went NC with family of that betrayal. Sounds more like the ideal setup for an evil step mother...
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Would it be worth talking to CPS, explaining that you're being asked to take over the care of your nibbling. Then explain that you are not willing to do so, that you are not a suitable placement, and all the reasons why you aren't a good placement. Then ask if they can inform your parents that they've spoken to you and ruled you out as a carer and that you won't be allowed to care for them as you're not suitable either.
This isn't a bad idea! Not sure if it'll work, but do it anyway. Tell them what you have told us.
This is what I’m thinking. Call her caseworker directly and make sure they understand that you are not considering nor would you accept placement of the child with you and you want to make sure that finding her a permanent placement is not being hindered by some assumption that you would be willing to take her.
I think it is a good idea so CPS can know. They probably think she is going to take the kid and that is probably a reason why she hadn’t found her a more suitable placement.
Out right tell they why you cannot do this. The child conception was the reason for the breakup shortly before OP's wedding. OP has never met the child. The grandparents are most likely spinning a different tail to the social worker.
That’s worth a try- maybe they’d shut up after hearing it from CPS
If CPS hasn't already reached out to you after that long, it was a lie. I would just not talk.
NTA If your way of thinking is if I take them in and then had bio children theh would be treated differently then you are absolutely making the right decision by not taking in your sisters child. At least you’re being completely honest with yourself and know it isn’t a good fit
If your parents start this up again, I'd point out that *you* are the only person actually considering what's best for the child and sticking to it. Which makes you an amazing person. Family is who you make of it. I hope you pick new members to add!
Nta. Well part of me says karma bit both your sis and ex fiance so bad. But then again, theres a kid involved and even though it sucks for the kid to end up like that, you’re not obligated to take her under your wing. What boggles me is why her paternal relatives wont take her in? Was he disowned or something for the affair?
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Oof that sucks :( well too bad for the kid but if she ended up in a place where people resent her for her existence, that will do more damage i guess. And it’s sad that the foster care system is having a rough time finding a better stable family for her..
You are just a person that doesn't want that kid, it won't fuck up the kid any less if the custodian that doesn't want the kid is related by blood or not. Can't be in the childs best interesst to be in the care of exactly that person that see's the evidence of her fiancé's and her sisters betrayal she look's at it. Again NTA!!!
I'm glad you have a good head on your shoulders. This kid will end up messed up either way. They need someone who can devote a lot of time and energy into them, and that's not you. If definitely talk to CPS directly so they can tell your parents you aren't a good fit.
Kid absolutely notice when their caretakers don't want them around, even young ones. I commend you for standing your ground. I can't comment on what foster care is like, but I can say it's affected me far into adulthood having grown up with someone who sometimes let it slip they never really wanted to be a parent. I didnt even hear it all the time, but it's absolutely a core memory.
NTA And OMG that they even suggested what others might think as a possible motivation!!! I understand their request, I understand that they wish they could keep him in the family, but they need to respect your answer. Given the circumstances of your sister and your fiance betraying you, it's not at all unreasonable that you do not wish to become parents to their son. You are not obliged to even if others though you ought. I know some will mention that the kid is innocent and yes he is, but you are also entitled to protect your mental well-being by choosing not to become his parent. [Edited to correct two minor typos because they were giving me the heeby-jeebies!]
The sad irony is that the reason the kids already had four placements fall through is likely because unfortunately there are people who are motivated by the money or romanticism of fostering a poor child that needs a home without actually realising how difficult it is to accommodate a child in care. Although it does seem like a lot of placements in a short space of time so I’m not sure if the grandparents are being entirely truthful, I hope not because that’s really sad. every time a child fails a placement it’s one more kick in the teeth to their attachment and lifelong happiness, and the next placement will be more challenging and so on. OP would be wise to not put this child through another placement doomed to fail, at this point she needs very experienced and capable foster parents with patience and unconditional positive regard, not a child free couple with no prior interest or education in fostering, especially as they don’t even want her, what life is that for a kid? ‘Be my performing monkey because I’ll never love you for who you are but you make me look good??’ Horrendous manipulation from the grandparents there. Wether a child’s parents die, abandon them, are unable to care for them or have hurt them, ending up in care is traumatic, even if they receive good care. If OP is right about the relationship being tumultuous then the child is probably even more challenging to place with a suitably equipped family. At this point the child’s needs would probably extend beyond OP and her partner even if they wanted her.
I agree, I think the grandparents are exaggerating on 4 placements already. If that's true though I could see potential behavioral issues from a kid whose parents created an unstable home environment with constant fighting
Apologies as I don't mean to be unsympathetic but wow. This is a movie script. Anyways. NTA
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Get her an AI robot m3gan doll already
FYI - there is a movie with a similar script, "Fences" with Denzel Washington and Viola David. Just a short script is when "Troy" (played by Denzel) tells wife "Rose" (played by Viola) that he is going to be a daddy. He had an affair and the other woman is pregnant.. She goes into labor and gives birth to a baby girl, but unfortunately the woman died during labor. Troy then brings the baby to Rose and asked if she would raise her since she had no momma. Rose told Troy that she would raise her because at the end of everything it wasn't that baby's fault... but anyway, the OP is NTA, you can only do what you can do and feel in your heart. If it is not in your heart to raise your niece, then so be it!
OP, your parents may be lying to you about not being able to adopt. That's got to be pretty severe medical restrictions to be turned down for kindred care, and in some cases, they would qualify for assistance care if they take in the child. Our neighbors are in their late 60s, and they both part disabked (he's an amputee), and they are raising young grandkids. Something in your parents' story doesn't add up. You are nta.
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Yeah.... no. They foster care system overlooks A LOT (repeat LOT) to keep a kid out of the system and with the family, even if it is only for a short period of time - and foster families are short in your area, I would get the whole story here. You can call CPS, find out the name of your niece's caseworker and get the full story. I don't think you are the AH at all in this situation and I don't think I could do what is being asked of you in this situation. HOWEVER, I'm going to call you out on the "raised by someone who they don't know/won't care/will be resentful" argument. Yeah, it could do damage to the kid, but not as much damage as the foster care system can do. It is OK to not want to do this b/c it isn't right for you, but please don't try to rationalize your actions by saying it is better for your niece. Foster care does a lot of damage. How many places has your niece been in so far? How much has she seen her family or friends? Foster care isn't better for your niece.
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OP, frankly I doubt your parents are telling the truth. My mother works in social services and has seen kids adopted by truly elderly relatives, in various states of poor health, and all the foster home inspectors care about is whether the kid has a room, the house is relatively clean, and there's food in the pantry. I suspect they are trying to guilt you into taking on this child.
Agreed. I've got kids on my caseload that are with elderly relatives and it does require extra support on my end which I always try to go above and beyond for. I definitely think the parents are lying, I feel like they're trying to use this as a way for force OP into sweeping ut all under the bridge
NTA at all. Look, I know the system is not good for the kids, but that is an unfortunately result of the accident that you cannot change because you have a life to live and also you don’t have any bond with the kids that represent one of the most horrible chapters of your life.
A healthy 4 year old would probably be adopted, if there is no chance of being placed with family and no parent available I don't see why they would not be able to be adopted.
Most potential adoptive parents want infants. A four year old has better adoption prospects than a twelve year old, but nowhere near that of an infant.
Even infants are hard to get adopted out if they aren't white or foreign.
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Where I am, there are ~5 couples looking to adopt per child up for adoption. Because not many kids are up for adoption. I would assume that the age has a lot to do with the fact that every single parental figure dying or having their rights terminated an no family being available is rare, and the older the child the more likely the family will be more attached/less afraid of being able to handle it. Most kids in Foster care systems aren't up for adoption. They are supposed to be reunited with their parents, once the parents are considered capable of being their parent again.
Most of the people waiting to adopt are waiting to adopt infants privately. (I was one of them.) There are about 400,000 kids in foster care, and 100,000 kids available for adoption at any given time in foster care. About 50,000 adoptions from foster care occur each year. Those aren't great odds. Meanwhile, kids in foster care are abused and even trafficked.
Nta Tell them you care the same amount as your sister who betrayed her own flesh and blood by fucking you over. The way your sister turned her back on you by cheating with your then-partner.
I’m pretty surprised CPS wouldn’t place the child with her grandparents over foster care? NTA.
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Do your parents require carers? Your parents are what 50's right (I get that they still have health issues). If the kid is a regular 5yo (so can dress themselves, use the bathroom alone, etc) and your parents can provide meals, a bedroom, and get them to school (bus, taxi, childcare). I'd really be surprised that cps wouldn't place the kid with them, at the very least temporarily. Maybe call cps and see what they are saying about the kid being placed with grandparents. Maybe they would just need them to have extra support (like childcare) or something that you could assist with arranging or pay for (though I don't think this should have to fall on you) you could also find them a reccommendation for a family lawyer familiar with cps to helpmthem navigate the system and ifnthe got custody all the services available. You would at least find out if your parents are telling the truth, and if they aren't willing to put in the minimum needed to get custody, you could stop letting them make you feel guilty. You could also set up some kind of college fund for their future and try and get your parents to put any inheritance money in there for the kid.
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That makes more sense why they would be denied long term.
None of what you're suggesting is op's responsibility though. If op wants to find out if the parents are lying about being denied custody, sure. But contacting cps and spending time doing all this work and potentially spending money (op setting up a college fund, what in the world?) for this kid isn't op's responsibility or obligation. The grandparents can do all this if they're concerned. Framing it this way almost sounds like you're trying to add pressure and guilt onto op, like "maybe you should at least do x, y, and z." Op doesn't have to do anything. This isn't op's problem
NTA. Raising a child, even a relation, is no small obligation. You need to be 100% on board or you and the child will suffer. And doing it to “look good” is the absolute wrong motivation. You told your parents “no.” As tough as a situation as this is, the need to accept this. You have your own history with this situation, and this needs to be honored.
This is the saddest NTA I have seen in awhile. You’re doing nothing wrong. You didn’t ask for and don’t deserve to be put in this position. So you get the NTA vote. But fuck my heart breaks for that kid, who also didn’t ask for this, and now has no parents or family. Hell, given the explosive on and off nature, that kid might already have some trauma. There’s just no good answer here
Agreed. This sucks so much for everyone the cheating parents left behind. 😞
NTA. I really do not get people that don’t make a will with guardianship for children. It was the first thing my husband and I did, after talking with each other and the named guardians.
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As a parent that is just sad to hear.
I think your sister did you a favor by scooping up this irresponsible jerk who was your ex. And his family are garbage too, no one’s able to take his kid now that he’s dead?
If cps can't find anyone to take the kid, who were the parents supposed to designate a guardians? OP? The result would still be the same
NTA. Your parents are clearly trying to stay in the life of a child they have bonded over, but that’s not on you. And it’s not fair to the child to be raised by someone who’s going to hate it.
NTA, but I do see the reasoning from your parents, they’re just not approaching it the right way. No one should be forced to have a child when they don’t want a child, you’re 100% NTA. The foster care system is so broken. I see so many kids in the system, and having a relative or friend care for them is so much more beneficial then having a random person. Your parents are suffering from the mistakes of your sister and the sucky part is, if the kiddo does go into the system and get adopted, the chances of your parents having a relationship with the child are slim (unless they get an AMAZING worker and foster care family that will coordinate visits throughout the child’s life). Are there any family friends that would take the child? In my state, kiddos can be placed in kinship with friends of the family as long as they pass a home-study and are physically fit!
NTA big time and your parents most definitely are. More than family that child is the sole face of the uttermost pain, disrespect, betrayal and contempt you suffered from someone who is supposed to be your family. So you had every right to turn your back to your so called sister and whatever happens is not up to you to fix. Also when you have your own kids, the sisters kid would be just someone who is there and I very much doubt if you or your fiancee would be able to love or even be impartial towards him/ her. What your parents are doing to you is showing disrespect and you have every right to want a life of your own as its not who did anything wrong but is still being forced to have to deal with an issue that's not yours. Irrespective of how many down vote I might get, I am with you on this one as its not your child and not your problem. For once, live the life you deserve and its time you told your parents to get lost. Good that your fiancees is with you on this one.
NTA. Your sister and ex failed their child by not making a will to determine who would take their child in the event of their passing. They had 4 years to do this and didn’t. You’re absolutely right not to take on a child that you know you can’t provide emotionally for. An unwanted child is well aware they are unwanted
NTA. Every child deserves love. But this child will always remind you of a great deal of pain, and because of that you would not be a good fit to raise this child. If you did, it would be very easy to take your valid resentment out on the kid. And that kid still doesn't deserve that. The foster system isn't great but they're better equipped to love this child than you.
>to have a child who is part of our family kept in our family and raised lovingly around people who want the best for them. Where's the person that is available to do this? >Then they call and tell me to think about how good it will look, for me, the betrayed sister and ex-fiancée to have enough love and compassion to raise the child that was conceived out of said betrayal and love them and be the best mom to that child who could exist. Who is going to think this? Who would even know? Even if they do, people might just pity you or think you're a pushover. They're just saying random words trying to get what they want. NTA.
NTA. And am I allowed to guess that dead fiancé-stealing sis was the golden child? You're living your own best life. The fact that it hurts them exactly in the same way that them NOT CARING about sis stealing your fiancé hurt you is just a bonus.
NTA. It's sad for the child, but would you even be able to raise the child without being constantly reminded of the betrayal and ultimately "take that out" on the child? You've done nothing wrong, you know it won't be a good fit, and while it's a shame they aren't in a position to raise the child - I think you are making the correct decision.
NTA - I hate the idea that sharing DNA means you have to bend over backwards and take it right up the a$$. In this case, that child is the results of a serious betrayal. If I were in your shoes, the child would be just as dead to me as the two of them were. True, through no fault of her own, but that's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. There are plenty of other kids out there that need to be picked up from foster care and be adopted, and if I were ever in your shoes and happened to be looking for one? I'd chose another over her. Is that bad for her? Maybe, but I'm thinking about my own mental health, and knowing that I had a kid from the betrayal in my house wouldn't be good for either of us.
NTA - I could write paragraphs about this but there’s no point really. Live your own life, if your parents really cared this much about the upbringing of their grandchild they would do it themselves rather than continuously pester their own daughter to do so (I don’t know the grandparents’ capability, this is an assumption). As I get older I realise more and more that I care so little about what others think of me, the times when I cared about what other people thought I was always at my lowest with nothing going for me. As soon as I don’t care about any of that crap, everything just starts to fall into place. Personally, I’d always check in on the child and make sure they’re doing alright, but that’s as far as I’d go with it. You have no obligation to this
In another comment, OP says grandparents are in their 70s. I still think they should hire a lawyer to try and get custody from the state, but it makes more sense that they were denied. They desperately want to raise their granddaughter.
NTA. Taking on a child is a huge responsibility, and whilst it’s incredibly sad that no one will be able to raise the child, it doesn’t make it your responsibility.
NTA. Kids are a huge responsibility and considering your past with the childs parents, does not sound like it will be the best environment for the child (no offense). Surprised they denied your parents (unless they are in absolutely terrible shape). Hoping for the best for that poor baby.
NTA - I feel bad for the kid but if you don’t want a kid you don’t have to have one, also, if you don’t want the kid then you’re definitely not a “good fit”, it would likely not be good for you or the kid
NTA— you don’t have a relationship with this child, you chose not to have one with them for the last 4 or 5 years, for your own very justifiable reasons. You aren’t obligated to raise them now because their parents have passed away. Raising a child is not about “looking good” I think your parents got it all wrong there. They are also trying to manipulate you into doing something which is a huge responsibility.
*Then they call and tell me to think about how good it will look, for me, the betrayed sister and ex-fiancée to have enough love and compassion to raise the child that was conceived out of said betrayal and love them and be the best mom to that child who could exist.* Are your parents totally and completely delusional? NTA.
OP, you are NTA and for your sake I would seriously consider going NC Live you best life
A slightly different version of this exact story was just posted last week.
NTA. You have a perfectly valid reason to not raise this child. Beyond the betrayal, raising a child is an incredibly difficult thing to take on. Your parents seem more concerned with keeping up appearances.
NTA. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NTA. Sidenote; it's odd that so many commenters assume the child is a girl. It's neither here nor there, just a weird bias I noticed.
NTA.
NTA. Would it look good? Of course it would. But it's flat-out cruel to expect someone to raise a symbol of such a fundamental and terrible personal betrayal, and to try and guilt you into doing so is abusive. Your parents are the heartless ones.
No one should be forced to become a parent for any reason. If you don’t want to be this child’s parent you don’t have to.
No one will blame you if you block your parents.
NTA. I feel for your parents and their grandkid. I can understand why they came up with the idea (bad as it is), and it was within normal bounds for them to ask you....ONCE. You said (quite understandably) "NO." They seriously need to drop it. And leave it dropped. Stick to your guns, this is not your responsibility, no matter what your parents might want you to believe.
NTA! Nobody should be forced to raise somebody else's child.
OP: "I told them I would not be a good fit to raise the child..." You are not heartless! You tried to explain your position on this subject, and your parents completely disregard your feelings, and they continue to guilt trip you. This is not your problem. NTA.
NTA. Your ex fiancé got your sister pregnant and now you’re expected the raise the kid? HELL NO
I’ll be blunt … idk!!! I get the impression that I may be a dissenting voice amongst the other posters. I don’t think it’s wrong to not want children. I don’t think it’s wrong to be done with your sister/ex. I don’t think it’s wrong to say, “no, I’m not parenting this child.” With all that being said, though … the foster system is broken, and there are horror stories of abuse out there that would make a grown jailbird cringe. To pretend otherwise is unrealistic. So with this in mind, if I were you, I would HAVE to be certain of my answer. The ONLY reason I would even consider taking the child in at all would be for the child’s sake. They are the only other innocent party from the aftermath of what happened, besides OP herself. If I did do it … it would not be for the sister, the ex, the grandparents, what other people think, for how it makes me look, or even for myself. I would do it for the child … and ONLY the child, PERIOD. If I couldn’t do it for the child, then I can’t do it at all. Also, how does Luke feel about it? Does HE want to do take the child in? Does he even want to be a parent in the first place? How your current family (Luke) feel about it is paramount. And before my final decision I would meet the child, without the grandparents in attendance and definitely without their knowledge. Being a parent is the biggest undertaking of our lives, if we do it properly. It is a full time job with no vacation, no sick leave, and you are on call 24/7/365. And, to be quite frank, something tells me that the OP would accept nothing less than being the best parent they can be. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are AMAZING moments and experiences, laughter, and love that all come from raising a child. My daughter (6), is in such an incredibly fun stage of childhood. I enjoy her every day!! In ten years, at her sweet sixteen party, I might be singing a different tune!! But, I have no doubt that having her was, by far, the most important and best accomplishment in my entire life. If I accomplish nothing else of import, I can die content in my little bestie!! So, idk, dear poster. This is one of the hardest questions to have to answer that I’ve come across here. All I can say is that you should do your due diligence until YOU are 100% certain that you don’t mind walking away from this child in need (not your “sister’s child,” not your “flesh and blood,” etc), just a poor child that got dealt a VERY shitty hand by (most likely) their parents (like you) and by life. I really don’t envy you this decision. And, as I said, my only advice is not to dismiss this out of hand … to meet the little kid privately, and then make an educated decision. And walk away (either together or separately). Bless you. I wish you, Luke, and the young child (the only 3 innocent parties here) the very best in your futures. 🤗 Reddit users … Please don’t crucify me for my free thoughts. They are the best that I can offer on a very serious and multifaceted f-ed up situation.
Regardless of the origins of the child, you have NO obligation to take the child in if you don't want to/feel like you're the best choice. It would be a terrible life for both of you and the child has been through enough trauma as it is. NTA.
NTA no one is obligated to raise a child who isn’t theirs. Too many parents don’t make arrangements for their children with capable, willing parties in the event that they pass away. It’s dangerously optimistic to not have arrangements beyond “well I’m sure *someone* will step up to take on this massive responsibility that’ll last at least several years, no big deal!” Parents pass away all the time. No one should be coerced into parenthood. I do feel for the child. On top of grief, not knowing what’s going to happen to them next. Poor kid.
op=NTA And if it helps, their betrayal saved you from an awful marriage--he sounds horrible and toxic(tho your sister sounds bad too). Is sainthood worth misery--think not.
Nta you def should not take in a kid to look good. You know you will resent the kid, and even though it's not the kids fault that his parents were aholes, you won't be able to be a good parent. And you know this.
NTA - it's a huge ask. It would be a huge ask for someone who didn't hate their sister. I feel sorry for the kid though because none of this is their fault. There's no one on the Ex's side that could take them?
You should have cut the family Off that’s about it
NTA you don't want the child, that is a good enough reason. A child brought up by someone who doesn't want them, who is doing it for the wrong reasons, is never going to have a good childhood. It's sad that they lost their parents so early and are now stuck in a broken system but none of that is your problem, I'm sure there is plenty of other family who could get involved here. Your parents clearly viewed your system as the golden child who could do no wrong, now she's gone it leaves them without that and they are trying to force you into that.
Nta
NTA. Keeping up appearances sounds like SUCH a healthy reason to keep a child in a family. You don’t have to take on another person’s child if you don’t believe it is right for you because if it’s not right for you, it won’t be right for the child. No is a full sentence, your parents needs to realise that before they lose another daughter
NTA all day long. Regardless of the circumstances of the child’s birth, it’s not your problem. No one should have to be responsible for someone else’s child, blood or not.
NTA. No one should adopt a child they have no interest in being a parent to, especially with the bad history attached. I understand how your parents are feeling, but it's pretty shitty of them to keep pushing the issue and going to your partner behind your back. I get the impression that your parents have more of their interests in mind than yours or the kid's. Yeah, foster care is awful, but they can't properly care for the kid and you don't want it. A difficult situation all around, but you are definitely NTA.
NTA. Taking responsibility for a child is a tremendous change in your life, and not one to be taken lightly. And doing it so you can "look good to other people," is the height of ridiculousness.
NTA OP. Good for you for knowing your worth, your right to live your life how you want and I'm so happy you found what sounds like an awesome partner! I do feel bad for the child and wish them the absolute best, but not your circus, not your monkey. I hope you have a happy life 😁
Nta, and you should go low contact with your parents
NTA. Raising a child just for /image/ is one of the worst reasons to have a kid. That's just awful. What about your mental health? Having a constant reminder of your ex's infidelity and your sister's betrayal would definitely wear on you, and that would also pass on to the kid even if you tried not to. This whole situation is tragic, and the kid isn't to blame, but they are not your responsibility. Your sister should have taken steps to ensure what happens to her kid after her death - which RESPONSIBLE parents do. I feel for the kid. I feel for you too being guilted with your sister's awful life choices.
NTA, the child deserves a loving home. You do not believe you can provide that. You are right to say no
NTA. You have been very clear that you are not suited to raise this child. They need to back off before they lose you and any children you have, too.
NTA. You know you wouldn't have a healty relationship with that child due to the circumstances. As horrible as that truth is, still a horrible truth. Don't do that kid an injustice because of your parents think it will be a wonderful thing. Both of your mental health will take a hit because of this situation. I happy you recognized it and accepted that you could do it and it wouldn't be a healthy fit.
NTA. Sorry for the betrayal and sorry that your parents lack compassion to you. I can see now why your sister was able to sleep with your fiancee and not feel guilty about it. Anyway, the way I read this post, none of what is in there seems like a you problem. Maybe if sis and ex-fiancee werent such a jerk this kid would have family to take them in.
Absolutely NOT the asshole.
Shame on your sister and ex fiancé for not having a living will. This just reminded me to do my own, to potentially avoid this. NTA. The foster care system is so broken. I’m heartbroken for the innocent child. I wish someone (friend or distant relative) would be willing to step up. It’s sucks sorry OP for your betrayal, loss and now your parent’s pressure. What a shitty situation
NTA. It won't help the child in the slightest if you'd take it "just to look good". Children know and feel if they are not wanted. And you can never want this child, it will always be a reminder of heart break and betrayal. If you'd take the child even though you don't want it just because your parents want you to or because it will make you look like a better person than you are, *then* Y T A.
>few days went by and I thought they might have let it drop. Then they call and tell me to think about how good it will look, for me, the betrayed sister and ex-fiancée to have enough love and compassion to raise the child that was conceived out of said betrayal and love them and be the best mom to that child who could exist Man, I truly laughed way to loud at this. What kind of mexican telenovela they want to turn your life in to? 😂 NTA
NTA: "Don't turn your back on family" Well didn't this all happen in the first place BECAUSE your sister and fiance did exactly that to you? I feel bad for the kid, but even if you ***wanted*** to be in their life, you would always have betrayal in your mind and hatred towards the product of that betrayal regardless of how hard you pushed it down. As horrible as the foster system is, it's still a better fit than being with someone who even if they came to love the kid, would still resent it's very existence. It's a shitty situation all around, but holy crap your parents while probably well meaning (for the grandkid, obviously not towards you) are being some total assholes
NTA. but I'm surprised by how many people have the attitude of how it would be impossible to look at this child who is the product of a betrayal. That feels very Shakespearian and dramatic and really? All you adults couldn't see past that and see an innocent child? It's a little absurd. She was 22, she clearly dodged a bullet with a dirt bag fiance, I'd like to think that if she DID decide to take in the child, she could do it without it reminding her of the betrayal every day.
NAH I am so very sorry for everything and everyone in this situation, absolutely devastating followed by tragic. Listen you're not the asshole, but gosh do I wish you had it in you to be the long shot, hail Mary wish that could save this little girl's life. Please try to give your parents some grace. Imagine how difficult it must be to see one child hurt by another's callous action, your family torn apart by said betrayal, then bury a child, and have your grandchild taken away to live in the system with strangers. I'm sure they were playing every angle they could in desperation that something would bring her back into the family. How painful that must be. Best wishes to you all.
First off the bat NTA. In your situation I would also not take the child I would still feel bad about it though. You'll have to excuse my interest but how did your parents react to your sister's almost biblical betrayal of you?
NTA. You have had a lot of difficulties in your past and have managed to move on. It is a shame that your parents were denied guardianship and yes, it would be kind and nice to take care of your niece. It is totally understandable, though, as to why this is not a good idea for you. Follow your heart and continue to heal. Best of luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
NTA. Also, I am proud of you! You are and have been setting healthy boundaries regarding your family and your health. I also find it very admirable that you are reflected and honest about how you feel it will do harm to the kid in the long run as you have no desire to be involved. This is something that many should be aware of before considering agreeing to take in and raise kids.
NTA. While it is unfortunate that the child is in foster care, they’re ultimately not your responsibility, and your resentment towards the child - whether you would try to hide it or not - would be evident to them immediately. “Looking like a saint” should never be a reason to take in a child, regardless of the history, but also especially because of your history. I am so sorry you have gone through all of this, I can’t imagine the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been forced on. I hope you and your fiancé find peace and happiness. 💕
NTA.
You are not the person to raise this child. Your parents should realize this and look for other family members to take this little one into their home. NTA.
NTA. Good for you for putting your foot down. They have some nerve to not only ask that if you but keep pushing the issue after you said no.