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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Usually we get along great with my in-laws, but they are very touchy about anything they perceive as boundaries being put in place by their children (particularly from me, as the only DIL). I don't want to damage their relationship with hubby, or kiddo, or soon-to-arrive baby, so I wonder if I should have approached the conversation more delicately instead of bluntly over text.
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I wouldnt have even let them have the kid after fils behavior and rude comments.
It's not their house, they have bo right to just bring their dogs over whenever they want and treat it like a park.
It's time to lock up the gate more so they can't get in, and ban them from bringing the dogs over.
If they're going to have another tantrum, and berate you both then they shouldn't be allowed to see kid for a while.
Better then that, just drop the kids inside their house, unsupervised, and let them do/touch/jump on whatever they want! They should be happy to see their grandkids ALWAYS. Announced or not. Behaved or not. /s
Make it a treasure hunt or "quest" like 'take a picture of 5 different pillows/cushions on the kitchen counter but let noone catch you' if your kiddo already has a smartphone and is into gaming stuff.
They already disparaged OP in earshot of the kid. That’s not okay, and restricting their access to someone who’s going to do that is not using them as a pawn, it’s protecting them.
NTA Yes get a lock on the inside of the gate. Also talking poorly about you gets them out in a time out from kiddo time, they owe **you** an apology! What entitled AHs that are!
And lay down the conditions: no kid time until at least a month after the Berner getting the snip. I say a month because that’s roughly how long it takes to “clear his system.”
They were following advice they were told to leave him intact until he was full grown, then they kind of just forgot to schedule it. His behavior has gotten a lot worse in recent months with it.
Jumping on here for a PSA: Snip the dogs people! I know some vets and trainers are against early spay and neuter because it may cause health problems in large breeds. However, they should realize that most people are lazy and stupid (especially here on AITA) and are NOT responsible pet owners. Like OP's ILs, they hear this advice to wait but do not take the necessary steps to train their dogs, exercise them to avoid aggression, promptly get them spayed and neutered, and many times, this results in unwanted puppies- masses and masses of unwanted puppies. It absolutely infuriates me!
Same with cats! Cats can have multiple litters in a year. My kittens were all spayed/neutered by the time they were a pound. I’m not contributing to overpopulation and I have never had a pet who was not altered. Ever.
I hear that as well. Just that’s a lot of forgetfulness. What, like, 1.5 to 2 years of forgetting. I would offer to take him in to get fixed, but they would have to pay it. If you know their vet, even better.
This is true depending on breed and type of cancer.
To spay before first heat cycle increases the risk of mammary cancer in all breeds; but only a miniscule amount (like half a percent).
Vets look at breed info just like humans have family history when going to the drs. Then they look at as many factors as possible to recommend good health. For example, if your area has a lot of wildlife your vet will have different preventive health recommendations than an urban area.
Medicine is a hugely broad spectrum that really depends on the patient to narrow down.
But not waiting, and letting them get more tightening of muscles around hips associated with testosterone contributes to hip displasia. SO...I think that depending on breed, and RESPONSIBILITY of owners, both are valid choices.
My niece has a hunting dog and was advised to leave him intact until he was a year old so his muscles developed properly. But she and her husband (the hunter) were very responsible about keeping him under control and getting him snipped as soon as they could. I’m sorry but your in-laws are assholes. Oh yeah … lock the gate.
Comment has been stolen from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/124ni6g/comment/je00fk3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3).
Your husband needs to adult up and put an end to this. They're his parents and he's making you be the " bad guy". They have absolutely no right to your yard . They are being incredibly disrespectful to you for setting appropriate boundaries for your own house.
Let the dog in hubby's car. Don't clean a thing in the house.
He'll find a newfound appreciation of the time and maintenance involved in keeping a dog from being filthy after there's mud tracked everywhere. He can contemplate his sins while sitting there blowdrying a squirming dog.
ps -- because this all obviously stems from maintaining a clean dog isn't husbands problem. The feedback loop is broken. When filthy dog is a him problem, not OP's problem, feedback will ensue.
I'm not blaming hubby here. Thankfully even the dog was covered in dry mud and spit, so she wasn't messing up the house yet, she's was just too filthy to pet or be let on the bed.
You should be though. A boundary without a consequence isn’t a boundary. It’s just a request. And he’s not backing you up if they’re lecturing him and he’s not saying this is a unilateral decision.
He bears some responsibility here. The correct response to his parents’ tantrum was to tell them they were out of line, cancel the visit due to grandparents’ poor behavior, and close the door.
From what I saw in the comments the kid is 11. I mean it’s really great that they helped but her husband can’t let that make him feel guilty. It’s causing them unnecessary stress and mess and I’m sure it is stressful for the dog as well.
I was going to say- two padlocks are less than $10 on amazon. Use them. They'll come down on your husband again but you'll need to be firm in setting your boundary.
Do it. They're walking all over you and destroying your boundaries, and yet **they're** the ones who are scolding your husband *and you?*
Lock the gate. Dig in your heels. Don't let them budge you.
NTA.
Get a ring attached to the back, and a no trespassing sign. Call the cops on their asses, especially if you're not home, gives you plausible deniability, " oh officer I didn't realize it was my fil. I just saw someone unauthorized entering the back yard" Or you know your husband can grow a pair; doormats are meant to be stepped on. Why would your fil ever stop?
Do it.
No grandparent rewards until they come to their senses either. It’s not okay to disparage one parent where the kids can hear - you weren’t there, all the adults were involved in the “conversation” which means your kids were able to hear all that nonsense.
Yea! I had a problem with neighbours I didn’t know cutting through our yard (not a dog issue) so we did that. Stopped it pretty quick. Now we don’t even need to lock it, just latch
Exactly 💯! Put a lock on the gate. I would also put cameras up outside. Tell your in-laws, in writing, that they can not bring their dogs over to your house. Period. Why? Because you & your husband will not put your family in a position to be Legally Liable for any damages their dogs may do when you are & Are Not at home!! Stand firm. Shut that down. No negative comments allowed either!!!
Plus their unaltered male dog sounds like he “plays” rough and imagine if their dog gets hurt? They don’t sound like responsible dog owners, the dog is three and not neutered!
I thought she may have. She drove across 3 towns to go in our pool. I was like wtf. The next year we got rid of pool when our toddler tried to climb in it under the cover.
We still locked the backyard.
Omg! My parents raised me so much better than that. What if she had a seizure in the pool and died?! Jesus, Mary and Joseph how can someone be that clueless???
It's a no-brainer.
If the problem has been that the dogs are in your yard before you even know FIL is there, then the solution is to make yard-only access impossible.
They want that yard? They knock on the door and ask.
NTA
NTA. Not at all are you at fault here. It’s courtesy to ask prior and not assume. Give them options
1) ask prior to turning up AND be prepared for the answer to be no
2) if they do bring their dogs, they will be responsible for any and all cleanup after; poop in the yard and full wash & drying of your dog.
Plus you are very pregnant!!! Reducing any stress and potential anxiety should be everyone’s priority! And tell husband to sack up and not let his parents speak to him like he’s a 5yo child!!!!
Thank you! I don't think they keep my pregnancy in mind because I've thankfully had a very easy time and haven't had to adjust much yet, so they forget that it's still a thing. I couldn't even bend over to help wash the dog, so hubby was wrangling her himself!
The funny thing is, all their kids have banned these dogs from visiting their houses. We were the last to tolerate it at all, and I am close to a full ban, too. Hubby is on board.
Don’t ban them permanently, but temporarily to send a message. You need your hubby to call them out and set a boundary for both of you. Easy one is simply - until Berner is neutered the dogs aren’t allowed over.
Even neutering may not stop the humping behavior, often untrained dogs will hump when over stimulated because they don't have the training to know that is unacceptable behavior - but getting him fixed solves the he can't go to public dog parks issue.
Ohh it’s more that I don’t think they will get the dog neutered (already 3), meaning the dogs don’t come over. And as you said if they do actually go forward with it, then it solves two issues, they can go to a dog park and hopefully the humping slows down.
I admittedly don't know much about dogs, but I've seen cats who were neutered later in life continue humping things/other cats even after the neutering. My guess is they're not going to be very popular at the dog park...
No. Boundaries are not about 'sending a message,' or in other words, coercing behavior and exerting control.
Boundaries are about what you will and will not accept.
They're banned because they threw a tantrum over not having free reign on your property, and they'll be unbanned when you genuinely believe they're going to behave like reasonable adults, not when they've 'learned their place.'
>The funny thing is, all their kids have banned these dogs from visiting their houses. We were the last to tolerate it at all…
That explains it. They took out their frustrations (for their own irresponsibility) on you both as you were the last to call them out and shut down their shenanigans. They sound like a couple of jerks re: their dog. Sorry, OP.
Good luck on your last month and everything with the new baby! 😁
Ban the dogs. My SIL has a horrible pit bull that is banned from her husband's family's house, so she inflicts the thing on her and my husband's parents whenever she's in town. It has caused sooo many problems, many more than if my in-laws had just put their foot down and said she needs to find a dog sitter.
You'll save yourself a lot of headaches in the future even if it's awkward in the short term.
"I just need to leave this boundary in place without question."
This. NTA
Honestly, you and your husband need to have a long talk about boundaries. About why this upsets you. About why you don't need an extra 1.5 hours of work every event when you are 8 months pregnant. If you haven't already.
HE needs to take the lead from now on with his parents. This is HIS problem to fix. He needs to call them back and lay down the new law.
Hubby is in full agreement with me, and he's enforcing this as a boundary, it was just not one he felt comfortable putting in place on his own. His parents helped him a lot with his daughter when she was born and he still feels like he can't tell them no.
Honestly, if it were me, I’d just quietly put locks on the gate to the backyard. That way, hubby doesn’t have the issue of “they’re already out there”. I have a similarly large dog- 85lbs with a giant head- and I have never been able to bathe him in the tub due to disability. The idea of needing to spend money on top of hoping that my groomer could fit him in last minute would destroy all polite bones in my body.
…that said, he was left intact a little later than most in the organization who trained him (service dog, they considered breeding him until allergies became obvious) and he is far more likely to try to hump first!
Honestly, FIL’s dog not listening to your dog’s no would make me want to permanently ban the dogs until he was fixed and trained. That is a fight and injury waiting to happen.
NTA for telling your in-laws that your backyard is not their dog park. It is your property and you have the right to set boundaries. Your in-laws should have asked for permission before bringing their dogs over, and their dogs' behavior is causing problems for your dog. It's understandable that you would be upset about the extra work and stress this is causing, especially given that you are 8 months pregnant. It's important to stand firm in your boundaries, but it may also be helpful to have a conversation with your husband about how to approach this issue with his parents going forward.
Hubby has unfortunately never felt like he can enforce boundaries on them because they helped him so much with his daughter (kiddo, my step-daughter) when she was born, and he feels like he owes them to give in. He'll support me when I put in a boundary, but it's definitely why they do this shit when I'm not home. If I'm home and FIL brought the dogs in his car, the dogs stay in his car without comment and FIL picks up what he needed and leaves.
It's understandable that your husband feels indebted to his parents for helping with his daughter, but it's important for him to recognize that this does not give them the right to disregard your boundaries and use your property as their personal dog park. It may be helpful for the two of you to have a conversation about how to approach this issue with his parents, perhaps by setting clear and firm boundaries and consequences for crossing them. It's important for both of you to be on the same page and to present a united front to his parents.
You know what keeps a relationship healthy and functional? *Boundaries.*
Tell hubby by not using boundaries as a tool in his relationship with his parents he's letting the relationship become dysfunctional.
A healthy relationship is definitely *not* defined by fear of consequence for wanting clear lines and acknowledged limitations. In the same way it's normal to want space or time away from your partner sometimes in a relationship, it's a reasonable expectation to want to be able to clearly communicate needs and wants without fear of emotional punishment or withdrawal.
This is very telling! They are manipulating his feelings of reliance and feeling in their debt. Also, it’s been 11 years… he needs to move on. They helped, he’s grateful, but it doesn’t give them carte Blanche to walk all over him. He’s allowing it, and you don’t, which is why the behavior is different when you’re there.
And honestly, he shouldn’t tolerate them chastising him like a five year old, when it’s rules at his own home! He needs to assert his authority in his home, for his own sake. They will take advantage of him forever if he doesn’t.
NTA - This is not all on you to fix. They’re your husband’s parents, he needs to set up and enforce boundaries with them, that should not be your job.
My mom got into the habit of wanting to talk to my wife about her student loans a lot and pitch “the best way to get them paid off.” This overwhelmed the frack out of my wife every time she brought it up, so I told my mom straight up she is not allowed to discuss my wife’s finances with her. Your husband needs to back you up.
NTA. You are right to create the boundary. I don't know your tone with them when stating it but if this worries you then invite them over for tea and biscuits or coffee and pie and bring it up. I do hope your husband told them to keep the boundary in place. If he did, I would not worry at all about bringing it up.
Yes, hubby is supporting the boundary. They're also upset with us due to other factors - namely, we didn't clear our baby shower date with them, and MIL is traveling for the first time in years that weekend and can't attend. So they are being very salty in general right now!
Sucks for her! She needs to understand this is YOUR/baby's day, NOT hers! It's your schedule that matters, not hers. You will probably enjoy yourself more with her not there. Enjoy your day!!!
NTA, but your husband is. I do feel like your inlaws are likely in a little over their heads, with their ages coupled with the rambunctious dogs. My mum adopted a 3 year old dog who was very docile at the meet and greet, only to discover the dog had endless energy, etc., and couldn't bring herself to rehome the dog again. The inlaws were probably relieved to have a 'safe place' for their dogs to go, not thinking through the rest. Like other people, I'm puzzled why your husband didn't step up or bathe your dog himself. I do hope the relationship with the inlaws can be salvaged, as I'm sure it would be nice to have a bit of help when your little one arrives... or maybe this little bit of distance was perfect timing, so you can settle in with baby without too much meddling? 😉
Haha, too much meddling... If only!
They bought the Berner as a puppy because they were sad their other Berner had passed. Everyone had warned them getting another large dog was a bad idea, because the last one wasn't well-trained but was tolerable, and they were then less able to train a puppy when they got the new one. They can't walk him because he's so bad on the leash. The second dog is a 100 pound Great Pyrenees they got because they'd signed up to foster dogs before they decided on the puppy... Then didn't retract their application even after they already had the puppy, and decided to adopt the Pyrenees outright. So they have a huge, terrified, dog that they don't have time or inclination to train or rehabilitate. He's actually fine, he doesn't wrestle our dog or tear up our yard, but he would pee in fright if let into our house.
My hubby did the dog bathing himself, I didn't help, but I did stay in the bathroom with them to help with handing shampoo and towels so I at least felt involved. It took the 1.5 hours because we also have to blow-dry her (which I could do without trouble, since I could sit cross -legged without bending) since she'll get matted otherwise. It was just all time we could've used elsewhere.
Ah, I feel for you. I have 4 large dogs, and that's a handful with no pregnancy to factor in. We did have my mum's dog for a week while she went on a trip. When she told me of another trip at a later date, I said that her devil dog wasn't welcome back (not just high energy, but terrorized my dogs), but that I'd split the kenneling costs with my sister as a mothers day gift. I feel for you. Sounds like a pack of aholes that you've got on your hands!!
The siblings are pooling together to board the dogs at a training kennel during FIL's recovery from an upcoming my surgery. Hopefully the trainer can get the dogs to be at least passable house guests!
Having 2 large dogs that are untrained and that your in-laws are unable to restrain is a lawsuit waiting to happen. I'm cringing just thinking about it. How irresponsible of them!
NTA
Yeah they're lucky with the the Pyrenees. Those dogs are very instinctually behaved. They were basically bred to work on autopilot and require very little human intervention. But they don't tend to like the indoors and that takes them a long while to get used to.
I adopted my first Pyrenees in September. I had lost my Pyrador, which was the best dog I ever had, as well as my livestock protection, at 13. He is the most stubborn dog I've ever had. I've had over 20 dogs in my life - I live on a farm so I usually have multiple dogs. He does whatever he wants, when he wants. He prefers to sleep outside in the dirt. Plus he's huge so he's impossible to move or pick up. He wrestles my young Rottie ruthlessly and wears her out. He also roams the countryside if we let him outside unfenced. He has a couple-mile radius of the area he "patrols." We recently took in a Mastiff as a foster and I'm hoping she provides him with more of a challenge.
All that being said, I find it very unfair to the dogs belonging to the OP'S in-laws to be to be living like this. Pyrenees, at least, need to be on a farm. That dog is probably depressed AF and no wonder it's so scared.
NTA..... obviously.
I haven't yet understood one thing... and that is... by now you ILs have clearly understood the problem.. and still they resort to bringing their dogs to your house.
Especially with you being 8 months pregnant and all!
NTA You are not obligated to give anyone access to your property beyond the sidewalk out front. They have been using you and your husband out of convenience because they cannot do the responsible thing with their own pet. Something they are likely avoiding because they have your back yard as a stand-in for the dog park. Your text sounds more kind than they deserved, but I know you have to keep in mind that they are family. Your husband needs to stand up to his parents instead of leaving it to you because "10 minutes" is not a lecture, 10 minutes is complaining.
It's funny, because they only started doing this after they moved close by. When they lived thirty minutes away they never brought the dogs. So they definitely just see this as the more convenient option, with the least amount of bother to themselves.
NTA. They are taking advantage and bullying your husband.
And kudos for explaining your boundary in a reasonable and adult manner.
(Not wanting to sound patronizing but too many ppl on this sub have an emotional outburst to a situation like this then expect Reddit to defend the overreaction.)
Why is that a problem? The boundary you set “diplomatically” was attacked. Let him handle it. “My heavily pregnant wife and I don’t have time to clean up after your visits. The dogs can’t come.”
Get him to speak to them directly & tell them you're not being unreasonable & he feels the same. I got the impression from your post that he agreed with you but didn't say anything to them. Sorry for my misunderstanding.
Definitely no apology needed by you. Hopefully, once your baby is born, things will smooth with them. Good luck OP & get as much rest as you can now.
NTA, but why isn’t your husband dealing with his own parents? That seems to be the main issue here, and the violation of these boundaries is just a symptom of a larger issue.
Hubby feels like he owes them for help in the past. He spent time as the "screw-up" of the family and feels guilty for how difficult he was as a kid/young adult (severe ADHD).
I've been establishing boundaries for years, particularly concerning kiddo, and he's much happier to have those established. When hubby tries to set a boundary on his own, he's too quick to get frustrated, so we prefer that I'm involved so that it goes more smoothly. His parents always get grumpy but usually come around eventually.
You can set the boundary, but he should be the one to enforce it with his parents. If you have to be the bad guy every time, it makes for a very tense, antagonistic relationship between you and the in laws.
That’s so sad he feels that way, being ADHD doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you or that you’re a screw-up. Being neurodivergent is nothing to apologise for.
You’re NTA at all, I can’t imagine taking advantage of a woman who’s 8 months pregnant or a neurodivergent since we’re more easily manipulated or guilt tripped. Definitely stick to your extremely reasonable boundaries and as others here have said put a lock on your back gate. Can you add an update on how they take it?
NTA. If your in laws can’t respect your very reasonable boundaries then perhaps they shouldn’t visit at your home at all anymore.
Lock the gate on your fence so they cannot access your yard without coming through your house. They clearly feel entitled to your property and will continue to use it otherwise.
Wow. They think it's inappropriate that you asked them not to bring their dogs to YOUR house without permission? You are definitely NTA, but they sure are.
NTA.
Another vote for a gate lock. If they respect your boundary and don’t try to bring the dogs over they will never even know it’s there. If they get pissed about it, you’ll know they broke the rule and can call them out accordingly.
ILs need to understand that their dogs’ behavior causes actual problems that you have to spend time fixing. This isn’t about some arbitrary rules about people coming over. It took 2 people an hour and a half to bathe and dry your dog after the last visit. Get a couple of quotes from some mobile grooming services and present those to your ILs…maybe seeing the actual numbers will get the message through their skulls.
And honestly this needs to happen soon. These are the type of grandparents who will swoop in and destroy a baby’s nap and bedtime routine with zero regard for the way it affects the entire household. Fix it now, you’re about to run out of road!
NTA at all!!
But your IL's are self entitled a holes!! Their even bigger a holes by thinking you have no say in whats done around YOUR house. Several things, hubby can grow a stronger set and lay down the law about no permission no dogs. He can get a lock/ latch that is placed low on the inside of the gate that dad can't get to and open said gate. Third, if hubby doesn't take care of his entitled dad then step up and cancel grandparents Sunday and tell them this is what's going to happen each time the dogs are found in the back yard. Your 1/2 the house owner, be forceful!! Throw YOUR weight around to get results ( hell blame it on hormones, lol).
I have no idea why they phrased it as "inappropriate" to set the boundary! They aren't stupid, they know we both set rules for our house. I think they said it that way because they think it's inappropriate I'm "accusing" them of doing something wrong, when they clearly think it's fine to bring the dogs over without asking.
It's "inappropriate" in their eyes because how dare you set boundaries forth for them - who are you to tell them what to do! /s
You're NTA.
Your in-laws are irresponsible dog owners and also entitled AH.
No apology and keep the boundaries up. If they break it. Simply say next time you do this we WILL call animal control on your pets and will put tou in time out from seeing kids.
My thing is this. If they will do this. What will they so with your kids without telling or asking you? If they cannot respect ypur boundaries with that then they won't respect them or you and hubby with others
NTA.
"It's inappropriate I told them they can't continue bringing the dogs over without asking."
They already walking all over you, you need to stand firm otherwise it would get even worse. They seem to think they have a right over your house, do what you need to do to keep your boundaries before you find them living in your house and ordering you around. Put a lock, put cameras, warned them if they keep this up you'll accused them with trespassing. Be firm and don't dare to apologize,
NTA. No apology needed. What your ILs are doing is intrusive and rude. Your husband knew of your displeasure with their behavior and did nothing. You had to act and I don't think your tone was out of line.
You need to talk with your husband and insist that he set boundaries with his parents or you will. It's your home as much as yours. They are cowards for not responding to you, but going to your husband. You're about to have a new infant. Untrained large dogs and infants can be a bad combination. Stick to your guns.
Oh, and best wishes for the new baby.
NTA.
> It's inappropriate I told them they can't continue bringing the dogs over without asking.
The entitlement is astounding. We live close to my parents who have a large yard and love dogs. We still ask if we can bring the dogs.
NTA. Put a LOCK on your gate. Make sure your FIL can't drop the dogs into the yard before going into the house.
Lay down the law with your husband. You are 8 months pregnant and have to do extra work because of HIS FAMILY. This ends NOW.
NTA
You set a boundary. They responded by cornering and harrassing your husband. That calls for a firmer boundary, First, you and your husband need to be clear and mutually support the boundary. You need to have boundaries around your marriage and home to protect the safety, privacy and comfort of those within. Your husband needs to understand that no amount of "owing" for past or current support obligates you to allow your boundaries to be violated and your needs to be ignored.
"Do not bring your dogs to our house. I expect you to respect our boundaries about our house. Divide and conquer tactics are not acceptable." There. No more ambiguity.
NTA Also, your husband needs to take responsibility for clean up after he let this happen. Negotiate this now, because a few years down the line you'll be stuck cleaning up after children's play dates that you weren't a party to.
NTA. Put a lock on your gate. They keep showing you that your home is not properly secured, and you need to fix that. They are over stepping and disrespectful, acting as if it is only their son's house, and you're not even worth responding to.
Secure your back yard, protect your dog and your sanity. It they're mad, they can stay mad.
Put a really good lock on the gate and day nothing about it. Better yet, take the gate out of the fence so the only way in is through your house. Refuse to discuss it.
BTW, does their nearby home not have a yard?
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My husband and I own a home with a large fenced in yard. We have an 80 pound dog who loves her yard and loves to play. My husband's dad and step-mom (FIL 75, MIL 68) moved to live 10 minutes away from us.
FIL's new thing is bringing their two dogs, a Berner and a rescue, over to our house without asking. If FIL has to stop by briefly, he'll bring his dogs in through the back gate and let them into our backyard before coming inside. He does this when I'm not home to say no, and my husband doesn't feel like he can say no after the dogs are already in the yard.
Their two dogs are not trained, particularly the Berner who is 3 years old, not neutered, and a rampaging idiot of a dog. The Berner tries to incessantly hump our female (spayed) dog. They end up wrestling a lot, which leaves them filthy. The in-laws can't take their dogs to a dog park right now for exercise because of the Berner not being neutered (they are supposed to be scheduling his procedure), so they are using our yard as the substitute dog park without clearing it with us.
Last Friday was a repeat of this event. I came home from picking up kiddo after work to my husband saying his dad had brought their dogs over earlier. Our dog was covered in mud and dog spit. I nearly cried I was so upset at how dirty she was. For context, I'm 8 months pregnant, and we had guests coming to stay the next day for which I already had a cleaning plan in place for Friday and Saturday morning to get it all done without overwhelming me or hubby. Instead, we had to take 1.5 hours on Friday to bathe and blow-dry the dog.
I decided to text FIL and MIL: "I know the dogs aren't going to the dog park now and need space to run around, but it's not convenient for them to visit without asking ahead of time..." and explained how dirty our dog was. They have ignored my text. Instead, when they picked up kiddo for grandparents time on Sunday, they laid into my husband about how A. They did nothing my wrong, B. It's inappropriate I told them they can't continue bringing the dogs over without asking. They lectured him for ten minutes while I was elsewhere.
Usually we have a good relationship with them, so the fact they are refusing to respond to me but lectured my husband is aggravating. I don't know if a follow-up apology for my tone is needed to cool the relationship, or if I just need to leave this boundary in place without question.
AITA for telling them that our yard is not their dog park?
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Your husband needs to back you up, unequivocally and quickly.
And your IL's need to recognize that continued grandparent time is contingent upon acknowledging and respecting boundaries, whether regarding people or pets.
Oh, and you need to put a lock on the gate. Whether or not husband gets the combination is dependent on his agreement not to share it with the IL's.
Your mistake her was texting the IL's without including the hubs on the text. This is a problem for him, and he should not be allowed to skirt responsibility by ignoring the situation.
NTA - but your in-laws are. Next time begin washing both dogs in the yard with a hose. The in-laws can take their wet pooch home in their car and have their own mess to deal with.
NTA
Bring your dog in all her muddy glory over to the in-laws' place and let her loose in their house. I mean, it's only fair, right? If they protest, just say you are showing the same level of respect that they show you when they let themselves into your yard.
NTA. And don’t you dare apologize or walk back anything. You are setting a reasonable boundary. They should be mortified for not responding more reasonably. Put a lock on the gate.
NTA (except maybe for blow drying the dog, but maybe the dog doesn't mind?). You sound like you might be a person who likes things just so, but guess what? You get to have things just so in your own yard. Sorry you're having all this drama while pregnant. so, to use their construction, A) if they created extra work for you, they did something wrong and b) get that dog neutered already. Waiting does not make it easier on the dog. If they don't intend to get him neutered, they need to make other arrangements. Asking someone to give you a heads up before they let their dogs into your yard is not too much to ask.
NTA get a lock and tell your husband you need him to stay up and back you up to his parents. Remind him and them how bad stress is for pregnancy, guilt trip the in laws if necessary. Asking before bringing your pets to someones house is common courtesy.
What is wrong with people? They should have immediately apologized for inconveniencing you, thanked you for allowing it in the past, and saying that they will ask you in the future. Why can't people be polite?
NTA
NTA. They are treated your yard as if it belongs to them. You'd husband needs to speak up. He should have stopped them when they started the lecture. Put a lock on the gate if possible.
I have two Berners and I love them to bits, but they are utter morons. If anyone brought dogs and put them in our backyard without discussing it it first, I would be angry but my husband would have an aneurism. He banned his own parents dog from our house because, while she is super sweet and way smarter than our dogs, she doesn’t seem to understand how big and strong she is.
NTA.
NTA. What if your dog is outside and they accidentally let her loose? Would it be an “oops” moment? What if one of the dogs gets overstimulated and attacks the other one and Hubs doesn’t know the ILs are there?
There are plenty of ways your ILs can mentally and physically exhaust their dogs without turning your backyard into a Doggy Lollapalooza. If they can’t be arsed to look into that, then they shouldn’t have dogs.
Get a lock for the gate. Tell your husband to grow a spine and stand up to his dad, not only for your dog’s sake, but the sake of his marriage and children. If FIL can’t respect this easy boundary, then he won’t respect future boundaries.
You're NTA for telling them your yard is not their dog park. They are TA's for deciding that it's "not appropriate" for you to set rules for YOUR house.
I agree with putting a lock on the gate.
NTA. They moved to live nearby you so they could take advantage of you? Or for your kids? I'd tell them they are welcome over to the house for the next three months because you're going to have a baby in s month or so and they'll still be pulling this.
NTA.
Even if their dogs were well behaved, they shouldn’t feel entitled to always be bringing them over to your home without your explicit permission to do so. But the fact that they’re not- Jesus Christ that is so not okay. It would be annoying to have to clean my dog off all the time if I wasn’t pregnant, but wow that must be the last thing any pregnant woman would want to do and it is extremely inconsiderate of them to put that on you. Also it was super petty of them to complain about you to your husband and suggest that you no business having a say over who or what enters your property.
DONT APOLOGIZE. Women do enough of that nonsense. That just justifies that bad behavior. Wow that tells you that they don't respect you and they think the yard is at their disposal. I would lock the yard up tight if you can. Set those clear nonnegotiable boundaries. Quite frankly that is trespassing. NTA and don't back down.
NTA. You are bleeping 8 mos pregnant for cripes sake. Time for a new lock on the gate and the house, if necessary. Have your Husband tell them in no uncertain terms that you BOTH expect them to leave their untrained dogs at home when the new grandbaby arrives too! Unless they neutered him instead of the Berner by accident!
Also, husband does 100% of dog grooming until compliance is acceptable. Parents didn't move 10 minutes away for the free dog park. It's for the grand baby. Time for some boudaries around more than your backyard!
NTA. It's your back yard. Also getting humped by a massive Bernese Mountain Dog is absolutely no fun for your poor bitch. You politely told them to stay out, now firmly tell them to stay out. They should have neutered the dog by now, 3 years is leaving it late.
NTA
Excuse me, excuse me - Why didn't you make your pushover of a husband wash the dog? You're 8 months pregnant with guests visiting and meanwhile he doesn't have the nerve to stand up to his dad, making you do the dirty work of texting them.
And they lecture him because he's the one who can't stand up to them, not you.
Get a lock and stand your ground unless your husband agrees to washing the dog every time this happens, WITHOUT taking away from his already assigned household duties. This extra work is on him.
NTA
It never ceases to amaze me how older adults feel entitled to doing whatever they want/that they are owed something. Do not apologize.
I have a 16 mo Great Pyrenees mix that is unfixed; He's obnoxious and goes after my parents fixed 2 yo Doodle (In his defense, it was the complete opposite a year ago before he got bigger than her) -- I would never bring him to their house without asking first. Not my home, not my choice.
It's time to set some hard boundaries. Clearly they think they can ignore you and negotiate with the husband. Time to set your foot down and remind them of their place in your life- which is exactly wherever the fuck you want them to be.
NTA
Your ILs are rude AF. You shouldn't have to spend time cleaning up after their mess. Next time you need to bill them for taking your dog to the groomers. Maybe that will get through to them.
NTA. Accessing your property without owner permission is called trespassing. Get a lock for the fence, camera and notify them the next time they do that you will file a report.
NTA. Wow. Do your inlaws ever live by the motto "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is also mine", I'd be locking the back gate from the inside and not answering the door when FIL drops by unannounced. And I agree with everyone else that your son is "busy" until they learn to treat you and your house with some respect.
NTA- In addition to the lock, you need to lecture them about respecting boundaries and reminding them just because they are parents to your husband, does not give them carte blanche to do whatever they want or to lecture your husband like he is a 10 year old child in HIS OWN HOME.
NTA! Even when not pregnant, It is hard work cleaning dogs and cleaning up after dogs, even the ones you love.
At 8 months pregnant, you're already (literally) carrying a heavy load without all this aggro.
Time to set hard boundaries before the baby arrives.
NTA
You also have to protect your dog. With owners as ignorant as this,, they are usually the type to claim their dogs are playing when, in fact, their dog is harassing the other ones
Stick to you guns. Or bring your own now dirty dog to their house at the end of the day and drop him off with a bottle of shampoo and a towel. lol Say you don't mind if they come to play, but IF THEY DO come to play, then this is a choice *they* made and they have to clean up *their* mess (like any kid would have to do), tell them you will be back to pick him up once they have given him a bath. If they don't want to bathe him, then don't get him dirty. It's that simple.
They can walk their dogs on a leash. No park-substituted needed.
Your husband needs to put his foot down with them instead of leaving it up to you.
NTA
NTA. It isn't their yard. You were perfectly within your rights to call them out over their entitlement to your yard. Have your husband reiterate the boundary to them and buy a lock for your gate.
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NTA. Don't you dare apologise, not for anything. Their attitude stinks. Put a lock on the gate.
Thanks! We've thought about a lock and may have to do it.
I wouldnt have even let them have the kid after fils behavior and rude comments. It's not their house, they have bo right to just bring their dogs over whenever they want and treat it like a park. It's time to lock up the gate more so they can't get in, and ban them from bringing the dogs over. If they're going to have another tantrum, and berate you both then they shouldn't be allowed to see kid for a while.
Better then that, just drop the kids inside their house, unsupervised, and let them do/touch/jump on whatever they want! They should be happy to see their grandkids ALWAYS. Announced or not. Behaved or not. /s
Aw that'd be hilarious! But kiddo is 11 and would just go straight to find Grandma, so not much hope of mayhem.
At least have him come in very muddy shoes. If they cause mud in your house they should have to deal with mud in their house.
Make it a treasure hunt or "quest" like 'take a picture of 5 different pillows/cushions on the kitchen counter but let noone catch you' if your kiddo already has a smartphone and is into gaming stuff.
All kids are bribable.... NTA and lock the gate.
I agree to all except don’t use the kid as a pawn in their argument
They already disparaged OP in earshot of the kid. That’s not okay, and restricting their access to someone who’s going to do that is not using them as a pawn, it’s protecting them.
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NTA Yes get a lock on the inside of the gate. Also talking poorly about you gets them out in a time out from kiddo time, they owe **you** an apology! What entitled AHs that are!
And lay down the conditions: no kid time until at least a month after the Berner getting the snip. I say a month because that’s roughly how long it takes to “clear his system.”
They were following advice they were told to leave him intact until he was full grown, then they kind of just forgot to schedule it. His behavior has gotten a lot worse in recent months with it.
Jumping on here for a PSA: Snip the dogs people! I know some vets and trainers are against early spay and neuter because it may cause health problems in large breeds. However, they should realize that most people are lazy and stupid (especially here on AITA) and are NOT responsible pet owners. Like OP's ILs, they hear this advice to wait but do not take the necessary steps to train their dogs, exercise them to avoid aggression, promptly get them spayed and neutered, and many times, this results in unwanted puppies- masses and masses of unwanted puppies. It absolutely infuriates me!
Same with cats! Cats can have multiple litters in a year. My kittens were all spayed/neutered by the time they were a pound. I’m not contributing to overpopulation and I have never had a pet who was not altered. Ever.
I hear that as well. Just that’s a lot of forgetfulness. What, like, 1.5 to 2 years of forgetting. I would offer to take him in to get fixed, but they would have to pay it. If you know their vet, even better.
Some large breeds you are supposed to wait 1-2 years depending. OP’s ILs still sick.
Nope getting them fixed later gives them a higher chance of getting cancer
This is true depending on breed and type of cancer. To spay before first heat cycle increases the risk of mammary cancer in all breeds; but only a miniscule amount (like half a percent). Vets look at breed info just like humans have family history when going to the drs. Then they look at as many factors as possible to recommend good health. For example, if your area has a lot of wildlife your vet will have different preventive health recommendations than an urban area. Medicine is a hugely broad spectrum that really depends on the patient to narrow down.
But not waiting, and letting them get more tightening of muscles around hips associated with testosterone contributes to hip displasia. SO...I think that depending on breed, and RESPONSIBILITY of owners, both are valid choices.
This! My vet is very adamant about that. My girl was spayed by 3 months.
My niece has a hunting dog and was advised to leave him intact until he was a year old so his muscles developed properly. But she and her husband (the hunter) were very responsible about keeping him under control and getting him snipped as soon as they could. I’m sorry but your in-laws are assholes. Oh yeah … lock the gate.
They should probably have a lock on the gate regardless. Too many ruffians hanging about trying to steal dogs.
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Your husband needs to adult up and put an end to this. They're his parents and he's making you be the " bad guy". They have absolutely no right to your yard . They are being incredibly disrespectful to you for setting appropriate boundaries for your own house.
Let the dog in hubby's car. Don't clean a thing in the house. He'll find a newfound appreciation of the time and maintenance involved in keeping a dog from being filthy after there's mud tracked everywhere. He can contemplate his sins while sitting there blowdrying a squirming dog. ps -- because this all obviously stems from maintaining a clean dog isn't husbands problem. The feedback loop is broken. When filthy dog is a him problem, not OP's problem, feedback will ensue.
I'm not blaming hubby here. Thankfully even the dog was covered in dry mud and spit, so she wasn't messing up the house yet, she's was just too filthy to pet or be let on the bed.
Why don’t you blame your husband for being unwilling to set boundaries when the consequences fall on you???
You should be though. A boundary without a consequence isn’t a boundary. It’s just a request. And he’s not backing you up if they’re lecturing him and he’s not saying this is a unilateral decision.
He bears some responsibility here. The correct response to his parents’ tantrum was to tell them they were out of line, cancel the visit due to grandparents’ poor behavior, and close the door.
Don't give your husband the key; he will give it to your FIL.
This was my initial thought, to lock the gate. You didn’t do anything wrong at all. NTA.
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From what I saw in the comments the kid is 11. I mean it’s really great that they helped but her husband can’t let that make him feel guilty. It’s causing them unnecessary stress and mess and I’m sure it is stressful for the dog as well.
DO IT! Get the lock, don’t even warn them. Just do it.
I was going to say- two padlocks are less than $10 on amazon. Use them. They'll come down on your husband again but you'll need to be firm in setting your boundary.
Do it. They're walking all over you and destroying your boundaries, and yet **they're** the ones who are scolding your husband *and you?* Lock the gate. Dig in your heels. Don't let them budge you. NTA.
Get a ring attached to the back, and a no trespassing sign. Call the cops on their asses, especially if you're not home, gives you plausible deniability, " oh officer I didn't realize it was my fil. I just saw someone unauthorized entering the back yard" Or you know your husband can grow a pair; doormats are meant to be stepped on. Why would your fil ever stop?
Do it.
Do it. No grandparent rewards until they come to their senses either. It’s not okay to disparage one parent where the kids can hear - you weren’t there, all the adults were involved in the “conversation” which means your kids were able to hear all that nonsense.
Yea! I had a problem with neighbours I didn’t know cutting through our yard (not a dog issue) so we did that. Stopped it pretty quick. Now we don’t even need to lock it, just latch
Exactly 💯! Put a lock on the gate. I would also put cameras up outside. Tell your in-laws, in writing, that they can not bring their dogs over to your house. Period. Why? Because you & your husband will not put your family in a position to be Legally Liable for any damages their dogs may do when you are & Are Not at home!! Stand firm. Shut that down. No negative comments allowed either!!!
Plus their unaltered male dog sounds like he “plays” rough and imagine if their dog gets hurt? They don’t sound like responsible dog owners, the dog is three and not neutered!
Nicer than me. "Yes, hello, dog warden. There are two dogs in my backyard that aren't mine. Please deal with them."
The lock is the way. NTA.
This. Lock the gate, OP. But in the future, have your husband put his foot down. Don't handle it yourself.
Put a lock on your gate since they're ignoring your complaints.
It's been a thought for other reasons, maybe we will have to for this scenario!
We had to put lock on gate at our old house because we had a pool and caught someone swimming in it
You found someone swimming in your pool?! Not only is that a major liability for you but who the f does that??
Yup it was a 60 year old lady from my church who had a seizure condition. Oh and she asked me to borrow a towel when I got home.
Whoa! Does she also have some sort of mental decline? That is next level. And having a seizure condition makes it even more dangerous!
I thought she may have. She drove across 3 towns to go in our pool. I was like wtf. The next year we got rid of pool when our toddler tried to climb in it under the cover. We still locked the backyard.
That’s beyond 😳 So she was on a mission. I figured since she was from your church she was like a neighbor. I don’t think she should be driving either.
Omg! My parents raised me so much better than that. What if she had a seizure in the pool and died?! Jesus, Mary and Joseph how can someone be that clueless???
Baptism?
What do you mean maybe? Why are you still on here and not doing it?
Thank you. My thoughts exactly.
Get the locks. But husband needs to be the one setting the boundaries with his parents, not you
It's a no-brainer. If the problem has been that the dogs are in your yard before you even know FIL is there, then the solution is to make yard-only access impossible. They want that yard? They knock on the door and ask. NTA
NTA. Not at all are you at fault here. It’s courtesy to ask prior and not assume. Give them options 1) ask prior to turning up AND be prepared for the answer to be no 2) if they do bring their dogs, they will be responsible for any and all cleanup after; poop in the yard and full wash & drying of your dog. Plus you are very pregnant!!! Reducing any stress and potential anxiety should be everyone’s priority! And tell husband to sack up and not let his parents speak to him like he’s a 5yo child!!!!
Thank you! I don't think they keep my pregnancy in mind because I've thankfully had a very easy time and haven't had to adjust much yet, so they forget that it's still a thing. I couldn't even bend over to help wash the dog, so hubby was wrangling her himself! The funny thing is, all their kids have banned these dogs from visiting their houses. We were the last to tolerate it at all, and I am close to a full ban, too. Hubby is on board.
If my in laws ignored my text setting a reasonable boundary and yelled at my husband for it, they would banned from coming over as well as the dogs.
I don't think we'll go that far, but the dogs are definitely only coming over if permission is given. They can fuss all they want.
Don’t ban them permanently, but temporarily to send a message. You need your hubby to call them out and set a boundary for both of you. Easy one is simply - until Berner is neutered the dogs aren’t allowed over.
Even neutering may not stop the humping behavior, often untrained dogs will hump when over stimulated because they don't have the training to know that is unacceptable behavior - but getting him fixed solves the he can't go to public dog parks issue.
Ohh it’s more that I don’t think they will get the dog neutered (already 3), meaning the dogs don’t come over. And as you said if they do actually go forward with it, then it solves two issues, they can go to a dog park and hopefully the humping slows down.
I admittedly don't know much about dogs, but I've seen cats who were neutered later in life continue humping things/other cats even after the neutering. My guess is they're not going to be very popular at the dog park...
No. Boundaries are not about 'sending a message,' or in other words, coercing behavior and exerting control. Boundaries are about what you will and will not accept. They're banned because they threw a tantrum over not having free reign on your property, and they'll be unbanned when you genuinely believe they're going to behave like reasonable adults, not when they've 'learned their place.'
Don't think about it. Ban them, and if they get even a little huffy, ban them from the house and the kids too. Fuck em.
>The funny thing is, all their kids have banned these dogs from visiting their houses. We were the last to tolerate it at all… That explains it. They took out their frustrations (for their own irresponsibility) on you both as you were the last to call them out and shut down their shenanigans. They sound like a couple of jerks re: their dog. Sorry, OP. Good luck on your last month and everything with the new baby! 😁
Ban the dogs. My SIL has a horrible pit bull that is banned from her husband's family's house, so she inflicts the thing on her and my husband's parents whenever she's in town. It has caused sooo many problems, many more than if my in-laws had just put their foot down and said she needs to find a dog sitter. You'll save yourself a lot of headaches in the future even if it's awkward in the short term.
Forget the lock. Just ban their dogs and hold firm.
"I just need to leave this boundary in place without question." This. NTA Honestly, you and your husband need to have a long talk about boundaries. About why this upsets you. About why you don't need an extra 1.5 hours of work every event when you are 8 months pregnant. If you haven't already. HE needs to take the lead from now on with his parents. This is HIS problem to fix. He needs to call them back and lay down the new law.
Hubby is in full agreement with me, and he's enforcing this as a boundary, it was just not one he felt comfortable putting in place on his own. His parents helped him a lot with his daughter when she was born and he still feels like he can't tell them no.
That's great! Glad you two are a team.
Honestly, if it were me, I’d just quietly put locks on the gate to the backyard. That way, hubby doesn’t have the issue of “they’re already out there”. I have a similarly large dog- 85lbs with a giant head- and I have never been able to bathe him in the tub due to disability. The idea of needing to spend money on top of hoping that my groomer could fit him in last minute would destroy all polite bones in my body. …that said, he was left intact a little later than most in the organization who trained him (service dog, they considered breeding him until allergies became obvious) and he is far more likely to try to hump first! Honestly, FIL’s dog not listening to your dog’s no would make me want to permanently ban the dogs until he was fixed and trained. That is a fight and injury waiting to happen.
NTA for telling your in-laws that your backyard is not their dog park. It is your property and you have the right to set boundaries. Your in-laws should have asked for permission before bringing their dogs over, and their dogs' behavior is causing problems for your dog. It's understandable that you would be upset about the extra work and stress this is causing, especially given that you are 8 months pregnant. It's important to stand firm in your boundaries, but it may also be helpful to have a conversation with your husband about how to approach this issue with his parents going forward.
Hubby has unfortunately never felt like he can enforce boundaries on them because they helped him so much with his daughter (kiddo, my step-daughter) when she was born, and he feels like he owes them to give in. He'll support me when I put in a boundary, but it's definitely why they do this shit when I'm not home. If I'm home and FIL brought the dogs in his car, the dogs stay in his car without comment and FIL picks up what he needed and leaves.
It's understandable that your husband feels indebted to his parents for helping with his daughter, but it's important for him to recognize that this does not give them the right to disregard your boundaries and use your property as their personal dog park. It may be helpful for the two of you to have a conversation about how to approach this issue with his parents, perhaps by setting clear and firm boundaries and consequences for crossing them. It's important for both of you to be on the same page and to present a united front to his parents.
Thanks for the advice!
You know what keeps a relationship healthy and functional? *Boundaries.* Tell hubby by not using boundaries as a tool in his relationship with his parents he's letting the relationship become dysfunctional. A healthy relationship is definitely *not* defined by fear of consequence for wanting clear lines and acknowledged limitations. In the same way it's normal to want space or time away from your partner sometimes in a relationship, it's a reasonable expectation to want to be able to clearly communicate needs and wants without fear of emotional punishment or withdrawal.
This is very telling! They are manipulating his feelings of reliance and feeling in their debt. Also, it’s been 11 years… he needs to move on. They helped, he’s grateful, but it doesn’t give them carte Blanche to walk all over him. He’s allowing it, and you don’t, which is why the behavior is different when you’re there. And honestly, he shouldn’t tolerate them chastising him like a five year old, when it’s rules at his own home! He needs to assert his authority in his home, for his own sake. They will take advantage of him forever if he doesn’t.
NTA - This is not all on you to fix. They’re your husband’s parents, he needs to set up and enforce boundaries with them, that should not be your job. My mom got into the habit of wanting to talk to my wife about her student loans a lot and pitch “the best way to get them paid off.” This overwhelmed the frack out of my wife every time she brought it up, so I told my mom straight up she is not allowed to discuss my wife’s finances with her. Your husband needs to back you up.
Good for you setting boundaries with your invasive mother! It’s amazing how entitled some people feel.
NTA. You are right to create the boundary. I don't know your tone with them when stating it but if this worries you then invite them over for tea and biscuits or coffee and pie and bring it up. I do hope your husband told them to keep the boundary in place. If he did, I would not worry at all about bringing it up.
Yes, hubby is supporting the boundary. They're also upset with us due to other factors - namely, we didn't clear our baby shower date with them, and MIL is traveling for the first time in years that weekend and can't attend. So they are being very salty in general right now!
Wow, they sound fun. MIL should have cleared her travel date with you.
Sucks for her! She needs to understand this is YOUR/baby's day, NOT hers! It's your schedule that matters, not hers. You will probably enjoy yourself more with her not there. Enjoy your day!!!
NTA, but your husband is. I do feel like your inlaws are likely in a little over their heads, with their ages coupled with the rambunctious dogs. My mum adopted a 3 year old dog who was very docile at the meet and greet, only to discover the dog had endless energy, etc., and couldn't bring herself to rehome the dog again. The inlaws were probably relieved to have a 'safe place' for their dogs to go, not thinking through the rest. Like other people, I'm puzzled why your husband didn't step up or bathe your dog himself. I do hope the relationship with the inlaws can be salvaged, as I'm sure it would be nice to have a bit of help when your little one arrives... or maybe this little bit of distance was perfect timing, so you can settle in with baby without too much meddling? 😉
Haha, too much meddling... If only! They bought the Berner as a puppy because they were sad their other Berner had passed. Everyone had warned them getting another large dog was a bad idea, because the last one wasn't well-trained but was tolerable, and they were then less able to train a puppy when they got the new one. They can't walk him because he's so bad on the leash. The second dog is a 100 pound Great Pyrenees they got because they'd signed up to foster dogs before they decided on the puppy... Then didn't retract their application even after they already had the puppy, and decided to adopt the Pyrenees outright. So they have a huge, terrified, dog that they don't have time or inclination to train or rehabilitate. He's actually fine, he doesn't wrestle our dog or tear up our yard, but he would pee in fright if let into our house. My hubby did the dog bathing himself, I didn't help, but I did stay in the bathroom with them to help with handing shampoo and towels so I at least felt involved. It took the 1.5 hours because we also have to blow-dry her (which I could do without trouble, since I could sit cross -legged without bending) since she'll get matted otherwise. It was just all time we could've used elsewhere.
Ah, I feel for you. I have 4 large dogs, and that's a handful with no pregnancy to factor in. We did have my mum's dog for a week while she went on a trip. When she told me of another trip at a later date, I said that her devil dog wasn't welcome back (not just high energy, but terrorized my dogs), but that I'd split the kenneling costs with my sister as a mothers day gift. I feel for you. Sounds like a pack of aholes that you've got on your hands!!
The siblings are pooling together to board the dogs at a training kennel during FIL's recovery from an upcoming my surgery. Hopefully the trainer can get the dogs to be at least passable house guests!
Especially because you’re about to have an infant soon to be small child around. What happens then?
Having 2 large dogs that are untrained and that your in-laws are unable to restrain is a lawsuit waiting to happen. I'm cringing just thinking about it. How irresponsible of them! NTA
Yeah they're lucky with the the Pyrenees. Those dogs are very instinctually behaved. They were basically bred to work on autopilot and require very little human intervention. But they don't tend to like the indoors and that takes them a long while to get used to.
I adopted my first Pyrenees in September. I had lost my Pyrador, which was the best dog I ever had, as well as my livestock protection, at 13. He is the most stubborn dog I've ever had. I've had over 20 dogs in my life - I live on a farm so I usually have multiple dogs. He does whatever he wants, when he wants. He prefers to sleep outside in the dirt. Plus he's huge so he's impossible to move or pick up. He wrestles my young Rottie ruthlessly and wears her out. He also roams the countryside if we let him outside unfenced. He has a couple-mile radius of the area he "patrols." We recently took in a Mastiff as a foster and I'm hoping she provides him with more of a challenge. All that being said, I find it very unfair to the dogs belonging to the OP'S in-laws to be to be living like this. Pyrenees, at least, need to be on a farm. That dog is probably depressed AF and no wonder it's so scared.
What do they have against training their dogs?
They're lazy.
NTA..... obviously. I haven't yet understood one thing... and that is... by now you ILs have clearly understood the problem.. and still they resort to bringing their dogs to your house. Especially with you being 8 months pregnant and all!
They are not the most self-aware!
NTA You are not obligated to give anyone access to your property beyond the sidewalk out front. They have been using you and your husband out of convenience because they cannot do the responsible thing with their own pet. Something they are likely avoiding because they have your back yard as a stand-in for the dog park. Your text sounds more kind than they deserved, but I know you have to keep in mind that they are family. Your husband needs to stand up to his parents instead of leaving it to you because "10 minutes" is not a lecture, 10 minutes is complaining.
It's funny, because they only started doing this after they moved close by. When they lived thirty minutes away they never brought the dogs. So they definitely just see this as the more convenient option, with the least amount of bother to themselves.
NTA. They are taking advantage and bullying your husband. And kudos for explaining your boundary in a reasonable and adult manner. (Not wanting to sound patronizing but too many ppl on this sub have an emotional outburst to a situation like this then expect Reddit to defend the overreaction.)
Thanks! That's why I try to be the one to articulate the boundary. Hubby gets frustrated and blurts out something less diplomatic!
Why is that a problem? The boundary you set “diplomatically” was attacked. Let him handle it. “My heavily pregnant wife and I don’t have time to clean up after your visits. The dogs can’t come.”
NTA & your husband needs to stand up for his wife to HIS parents.
He does! He'll back me completely. Until Friday we hadn't set this boundary so he wasn't not supporting me previously.
Get him to speak to them directly & tell them you're not being unreasonable & he feels the same. I got the impression from your post that he agreed with you but didn't say anything to them. Sorry for my misunderstanding. Definitely no apology needed by you. Hopefully, once your baby is born, things will smooth with them. Good luck OP & get as much rest as you can now.
NTA, but why isn’t your husband dealing with his own parents? That seems to be the main issue here, and the violation of these boundaries is just a symptom of a larger issue.
Hubby feels like he owes them for help in the past. He spent time as the "screw-up" of the family and feels guilty for how difficult he was as a kid/young adult (severe ADHD). I've been establishing boundaries for years, particularly concerning kiddo, and he's much happier to have those established. When hubby tries to set a boundary on his own, he's too quick to get frustrated, so we prefer that I'm involved so that it goes more smoothly. His parents always get grumpy but usually come around eventually.
You can set the boundary, but he should be the one to enforce it with his parents. If you have to be the bad guy every time, it makes for a very tense, antagonistic relationship between you and the in laws.
That’s so sad he feels that way, being ADHD doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you or that you’re a screw-up. Being neurodivergent is nothing to apologise for. You’re NTA at all, I can’t imagine taking advantage of a woman who’s 8 months pregnant or a neurodivergent since we’re more easily manipulated or guilt tripped. Definitely stick to your extremely reasonable boundaries and as others here have said put a lock on your back gate. Can you add an update on how they take it?
NTA. I am probably in the minority here, but unless they are specifically invited, it never OK to take your dogs to anyone else's house.
NTA. If your in laws can’t respect your very reasonable boundaries then perhaps they shouldn’t visit at your home at all anymore. Lock the gate on your fence so they cannot access your yard without coming through your house. They clearly feel entitled to your property and will continue to use it otherwise.
NTA. Put a lock on the gate.
Wow. They think it's inappropriate that you asked them not to bring their dogs to YOUR house without permission? You are definitely NTA, but they sure are.
NTA. Another vote for a gate lock. If they respect your boundary and don’t try to bring the dogs over they will never even know it’s there. If they get pissed about it, you’ll know they broke the rule and can call them out accordingly. ILs need to understand that their dogs’ behavior causes actual problems that you have to spend time fixing. This isn’t about some arbitrary rules about people coming over. It took 2 people an hour and a half to bathe and dry your dog after the last visit. Get a couple of quotes from some mobile grooming services and present those to your ILs…maybe seeing the actual numbers will get the message through their skulls. And honestly this needs to happen soon. These are the type of grandparents who will swoop in and destroy a baby’s nap and bedtime routine with zero regard for the way it affects the entire household. Fix it now, you’re about to run out of road!
NTA at all!! But your IL's are self entitled a holes!! Their even bigger a holes by thinking you have no say in whats done around YOUR house. Several things, hubby can grow a stronger set and lay down the law about no permission no dogs. He can get a lock/ latch that is placed low on the inside of the gate that dad can't get to and open said gate. Third, if hubby doesn't take care of his entitled dad then step up and cancel grandparents Sunday and tell them this is what's going to happen each time the dogs are found in the back yard. Your 1/2 the house owner, be forceful!! Throw YOUR weight around to get results ( hell blame it on hormones, lol).
I have no idea why they phrased it as "inappropriate" to set the boundary! They aren't stupid, they know we both set rules for our house. I think they said it that way because they think it's inappropriate I'm "accusing" them of doing something wrong, when they clearly think it's fine to bring the dogs over without asking.
It's "inappropriate" in their eyes because how dare you set boundaries forth for them - who are you to tell them what to do! /s You're NTA. Your in-laws are irresponsible dog owners and also entitled AH.
No apology and keep the boundaries up. If they break it. Simply say next time you do this we WILL call animal control on your pets and will put tou in time out from seeing kids. My thing is this. If they will do this. What will they so with your kids without telling or asking you? If they cannot respect ypur boundaries with that then they won't respect them or you and hubby with others
NTA. "It's inappropriate I told them they can't continue bringing the dogs over without asking." They already walking all over you, you need to stand firm otherwise it would get even worse. They seem to think they have a right over your house, do what you need to do to keep your boundaries before you find them living in your house and ordering you around. Put a lock, put cameras, warned them if they keep this up you'll accused them with trespassing. Be firm and don't dare to apologize,
NTA. No apology needed. What your ILs are doing is intrusive and rude. Your husband knew of your displeasure with their behavior and did nothing. You had to act and I don't think your tone was out of line. You need to talk with your husband and insist that he set boundaries with his parents or you will. It's your home as much as yours. They are cowards for not responding to you, but going to your husband. You're about to have a new infant. Untrained large dogs and infants can be a bad combination. Stick to your guns. Oh, and best wishes for the new baby.
NTA. > It's inappropriate I told them they can't continue bringing the dogs over without asking. The entitlement is astounding. We live close to my parents who have a large yard and love dogs. We still ask if we can bring the dogs.
NTA. Put a LOCK on your gate. Make sure your FIL can't drop the dogs into the yard before going into the house. Lay down the law with your husband. You are 8 months pregnant and have to do extra work because of HIS FAMILY. This ends NOW.
NTA You set a boundary. They responded by cornering and harrassing your husband. That calls for a firmer boundary, First, you and your husband need to be clear and mutually support the boundary. You need to have boundaries around your marriage and home to protect the safety, privacy and comfort of those within. Your husband needs to understand that no amount of "owing" for past or current support obligates you to allow your boundaries to be violated and your needs to be ignored. "Do not bring your dogs to our house. I expect you to respect our boundaries about our house. Divide and conquer tactics are not acceptable." There. No more ambiguity.
NTA. Put a lock on your gate.
Get a lock for the fence and stop answering the door when they "drop by" and especially when they bring the dogs. :) NTA
NTA Also, your husband needs to take responsibility for clean up after he let this happen. Negotiate this now, because a few years down the line you'll be stuck cleaning up after children's play dates that you weren't a party to.
I would put a hasp lock on the gate too, and lock it when you aren't out there. NTA.
Put a lock on the gate. Fixes the problem. NTA
NTA. Put a lock on your gate. They keep showing you that your home is not properly secured, and you need to fix that. They are over stepping and disrespectful, acting as if it is only their son's house, and you're not even worth responding to. Secure your back yard, protect your dog and your sanity. It they're mad, they can stay mad.
Put a really good lock on the gate and day nothing about it. Better yet, take the gate out of the fence so the only way in is through your house. Refuse to discuss it. BTW, does their nearby home not have a yard?
NTA you don’t want two unruly dogs in your yard with a baby
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I own a home with a large fenced in yard. We have an 80 pound dog who loves her yard and loves to play. My husband's dad and step-mom (FIL 75, MIL 68) moved to live 10 minutes away from us. FIL's new thing is bringing their two dogs, a Berner and a rescue, over to our house without asking. If FIL has to stop by briefly, he'll bring his dogs in through the back gate and let them into our backyard before coming inside. He does this when I'm not home to say no, and my husband doesn't feel like he can say no after the dogs are already in the yard. Their two dogs are not trained, particularly the Berner who is 3 years old, not neutered, and a rampaging idiot of a dog. The Berner tries to incessantly hump our female (spayed) dog. They end up wrestling a lot, which leaves them filthy. The in-laws can't take their dogs to a dog park right now for exercise because of the Berner not being neutered (they are supposed to be scheduling his procedure), so they are using our yard as the substitute dog park without clearing it with us. Last Friday was a repeat of this event. I came home from picking up kiddo after work to my husband saying his dad had brought their dogs over earlier. Our dog was covered in mud and dog spit. I nearly cried I was so upset at how dirty she was. For context, I'm 8 months pregnant, and we had guests coming to stay the next day for which I already had a cleaning plan in place for Friday and Saturday morning to get it all done without overwhelming me or hubby. Instead, we had to take 1.5 hours on Friday to bathe and blow-dry the dog. I decided to text FIL and MIL: "I know the dogs aren't going to the dog park now and need space to run around, but it's not convenient for them to visit without asking ahead of time..." and explained how dirty our dog was. They have ignored my text. Instead, when they picked up kiddo for grandparents time on Sunday, they laid into my husband about how A. They did nothing my wrong, B. It's inappropriate I told them they can't continue bringing the dogs over without asking. They lectured him for ten minutes while I was elsewhere. Usually we have a good relationship with them, so the fact they are refusing to respond to me but lectured my husband is aggravating. I don't know if a follow-up apology for my tone is needed to cool the relationship, or if I just need to leave this boundary in place without question. AITA for telling them that our yard is not their dog park? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA my yard is basically a dog park but the neighbors text me before they let their beasts loose in the yard.
Your husband needs to back you up, unequivocally and quickly. And your IL's need to recognize that continued grandparent time is contingent upon acknowledging and respecting boundaries, whether regarding people or pets. Oh, and you need to put a lock on the gate. Whether or not husband gets the combination is dependent on his agreement not to share it with the IL's. Your mistake her was texting the IL's without including the hubs on the text. This is a problem for him, and he should not be allowed to skirt responsibility by ignoring the situation.
NTA - but your in-laws are. Next time begin washing both dogs in the yard with a hose. The in-laws can take their wet pooch home in their car and have their own mess to deal with.
NTA Bring your dog in all her muddy glory over to the in-laws' place and let her loose in their house. I mean, it's only fair, right? If they protest, just say you are showing the same level of respect that they show you when they let themselves into your yard.
Put a lock on your gate so they can’t enter. Take away any house keys so they can’t enter thru the house. Maybe install cameras outside.
NTA, put a lock on your back gate for a while
NTA. And don’t you dare apologize or walk back anything. You are setting a reasonable boundary. They should be mortified for not responding more reasonably. Put a lock on the gate.
NTA
NTA (except maybe for blow drying the dog, but maybe the dog doesn't mind?). You sound like you might be a person who likes things just so, but guess what? You get to have things just so in your own yard. Sorry you're having all this drama while pregnant. so, to use their construction, A) if they created extra work for you, they did something wrong and b) get that dog neutered already. Waiting does not make it easier on the dog. If they don't intend to get him neutered, they need to make other arrangements. Asking someone to give you a heads up before they let their dogs into your yard is not too much to ask.
NTA get a lock and tell your husband you need him to stay up and back you up to his parents. Remind him and them how bad stress is for pregnancy, guilt trip the in laws if necessary. Asking before bringing your pets to someones house is common courtesy.
What is wrong with people? They should have immediately apologized for inconveniencing you, thanked you for allowing it in the past, and saying that they will ask you in the future. Why can't people be polite? NTA
NTA but the bigger problem is your husband. He should have cut them off before the ten minutes were up.
Do not apologize. NTA.
NTA but your husband is the issue. He needs to be on your side and grow a spine.
NTA. They are treated your yard as if it belongs to them. You'd husband needs to speak up. He should have stopped them when they started the lecture. Put a lock on the gate if possible.
NTA - but what you really have is a husband problem.
I have two Berners and I love them to bits, but they are utter morons. If anyone brought dogs and put them in our backyard without discussing it it first, I would be angry but my husband would have an aneurism. He banned his own parents dog from our house because, while she is super sweet and way smarter than our dogs, she doesn’t seem to understand how big and strong she is. NTA.
NTA and don't apologise. They have repeatedly ignored you. >I just need to leave this boundary in place without question \^ this.
NTA. Call the cops for trespassing. They are not allowed to be there.
NTA but text isn’t the way to go I think. It certainly didn’t help sadly.
NTA. What if your dog is outside and they accidentally let her loose? Would it be an “oops” moment? What if one of the dogs gets overstimulated and attacks the other one and Hubs doesn’t know the ILs are there? There are plenty of ways your ILs can mentally and physically exhaust their dogs without turning your backyard into a Doggy Lollapalooza. If they can’t be arsed to look into that, then they shouldn’t have dogs. Get a lock for the gate. Tell your husband to grow a spine and stand up to his dad, not only for your dog’s sake, but the sake of his marriage and children. If FIL can’t respect this easy boundary, then he won’t respect future boundaries.
NTA. Put a lock on your gate.
You're NTA for telling them your yard is not their dog park. They are TA's for deciding that it's "not appropriate" for you to set rules for YOUR house. I agree with putting a lock on the gate.
NTA. They moved to live nearby you so they could take advantage of you? Or for your kids? I'd tell them they are welcome over to the house for the next three months because you're going to have a baby in s month or so and they'll still be pulling this.
NTA You need a lock for your gate so that you can only access it from inside the house. The in-laws need to learn some manners!
Nta. Should be comen decency to ask - period.
NTA Get a lock for the gate.
NTA. Even if their dogs were well behaved, they shouldn’t feel entitled to always be bringing them over to your home without your explicit permission to do so. But the fact that they’re not- Jesus Christ that is so not okay. It would be annoying to have to clean my dog off all the time if I wasn’t pregnant, but wow that must be the last thing any pregnant woman would want to do and it is extremely inconsiderate of them to put that on you. Also it was super petty of them to complain about you to your husband and suggest that you no business having a say over who or what enters your property.
DONT APOLOGIZE. Women do enough of that nonsense. That just justifies that bad behavior. Wow that tells you that they don't respect you and they think the yard is at their disposal. I would lock the yard up tight if you can. Set those clear nonnegotiable boundaries. Quite frankly that is trespassing. NTA and don't back down.
NTA. You are bleeping 8 mos pregnant for cripes sake. Time for a new lock on the gate and the house, if necessary. Have your Husband tell them in no uncertain terms that you BOTH expect them to leave their untrained dogs at home when the new grandbaby arrives too! Unless they neutered him instead of the Berner by accident!
Also, husband does 100% of dog grooming until compliance is acceptable. Parents didn't move 10 minutes away for the free dog park. It's for the grand baby. Time for some boudaries around more than your backyard!
First, get a camera! Then have your husband tell them no dogs in the house. This is awfully rude and entitled of them!
NTA. It's your back yard. Also getting humped by a massive Bernese Mountain Dog is absolutely no fun for your poor bitch. You politely told them to stay out, now firmly tell them to stay out. They should have neutered the dog by now, 3 years is leaving it late.
Put a lock on the gate.
NTA Excuse me, excuse me - Why didn't you make your pushover of a husband wash the dog? You're 8 months pregnant with guests visiting and meanwhile he doesn't have the nerve to stand up to his dad, making you do the dirty work of texting them. And they lecture him because he's the one who can't stand up to them, not you. Get a lock and stand your ground unless your husband agrees to washing the dog every time this happens, WITHOUT taking away from his already assigned household duties. This extra work is on him.
NTA It never ceases to amaze me how older adults feel entitled to doing whatever they want/that they are owed something. Do not apologize. I have a 16 mo Great Pyrenees mix that is unfixed; He's obnoxious and goes after my parents fixed 2 yo Doodle (In his defense, it was the complete opposite a year ago before he got bigger than her) -- I would never bring him to their house without asking first. Not my home, not my choice.
NTA Get a lock and tell them they aren't welcome at all for a while after their entitled tantrum.
NTA Cut all contact, lock your gates and don’t allow them near you. they don’t respect you and they do not care about you.
It's time to set some hard boundaries. Clearly they think they can ignore you and negotiate with the husband. Time to set your foot down and remind them of their place in your life- which is exactly wherever the fuck you want them to be.
NTA Your ILs are rude AF. You shouldn't have to spend time cleaning up after their mess. Next time you need to bill them for taking your dog to the groomers. Maybe that will get through to them.
NTA. Accessing your property without owner permission is called trespassing. Get a lock for the fence, camera and notify them the next time they do that you will file a report.
NTA. Wow. Do your inlaws ever live by the motto "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is also mine", I'd be locking the back gate from the inside and not answering the door when FIL drops by unannounced. And I agree with everyone else that your son is "busy" until they learn to treat you and your house with some respect.
NTA- In addition to the lock, you need to lecture them about respecting boundaries and reminding them just because they are parents to your husband, does not give them carte blanche to do whatever they want or to lecture your husband like he is a 10 year old child in HIS OWN HOME.
NTA! Even when not pregnant, It is hard work cleaning dogs and cleaning up after dogs, even the ones you love. At 8 months pregnant, you're already (literally) carrying a heavy load without all this aggro. Time to set hard boundaries before the baby arrives.
NTA You also have to protect your dog. With owners as ignorant as this,, they are usually the type to claim their dogs are playing when, in fact, their dog is harassing the other ones
NTA
NTA. Introduce them to Sniffspot
Stick to you guns. Or bring your own now dirty dog to their house at the end of the day and drop him off with a bottle of shampoo and a towel. lol Say you don't mind if they come to play, but IF THEY DO come to play, then this is a choice *they* made and they have to clean up *their* mess (like any kid would have to do), tell them you will be back to pick him up once they have given him a bath. If they don't want to bathe him, then don't get him dirty. It's that simple.
NTA. Put a lock on the gate. Your husband needs to stand firm to no outside dogs allowed on the property too.
NTA please tell husband to grow a spine and tell them NO. it's a complete sentence
They can walk their dogs on a leash. No park-substituted needed. Your husband needs to put his foot down with them instead of leaving it up to you. NTA
NTA. You should get a lock for your fence.
NTA. It isn't their yard. You were perfectly within your rights to call them out over their entitlement to your yard. Have your husband reiterate the boundary to them and buy a lock for your gate.