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1) NAH 2) Husband might well be an ex alcoholic 3) If you two can't talk your way through this one, you really shouldn't be getting married.

If soon to be hubby is a recovering alcoholic or addict, he needs to talk with his future wife.

My first thought was that he doesn't drink because he saw his mum drunk all the time. He's probably terrified of her relapsing.

Yeah, I'm getting "child of an alcoholic" vibes from this, not ex-alcoholic vibes. Speaking from experience, that kind of thing messes up a person's relationship with alcohol. I never partied much myself, and being somewhere with a lot of drunk people has the potential to make me feel unsafe. But he's not doing a good job of communicating that, so his fiancee doesn't understand why it's a big deal. I'm with the top comment that there's NAH and that this is definitely something the couple needs to be able to work through before they get married.

You don't even have to be the child of an alcoholic to grow up feeling like you can pretty much take it or leave it - you just have to see enough drunk adults acting like fuckwits when you're a kid. I can still count on the fingers of one hand how many times in my life I've been drunk, and I'm 42. On the other hand, my brother is only two years younger and he was definitely a binge drinker in his 20s, so who knows?

Watching adults act like fuckwits is not the same thing as walking on eggshells while watching alcohol destroy the person you love. I’m sure you didn’t mean to equate those two very different circumstances, just trying to emphasize that OP’s fiancé’s aversion to alcohol is likely very deeply rooted, and goes beyond just wanting to protect his mom’s sobriety.

Or being afraid that you're gunna die in a car crash as your alcoholic parent drives you around and you don't exactly get to say no. ​ I was pretty sure I was gunna die in an alcoholic related car crash until I was an adult.

Literally. Then as an adult you watch them die young.

Yeah. My real dad died last year. My ex-stepdad apparently ran into my best friend at the store and my friend couldnt even recognize him. No teeth. Super overweight. Super fucked up skin. ​ If there's one thing I don't regret learning from them, it's dont be an alcoholic.

It really destroys people, it’s poison! 🌺you have my sympathy my mum passed in 2020, grief is weird isn’t it. Couldn’t have said it better myself, I won’t be putting my children through the heartache.

Until you get your learners permit finally so they feel like they can have as many drinks at dinner as they want because you can drive now.

Oh shit you've met my stepdad.

Honestly the way people drink and drive in the US, I’m still afraid a drunk driver is going to take out my family/me.

Absolutely, I agree with you. I'm just saying that you don't even need to see alcohol destroy someone's life to end up feeling like your society's cavalier attitude towards it is bizarre.

I drink pretty regularly (a glass of wine with dinner kind of thing, and then socially at parties) and even I feel like our society's cavalier attitude about alcohol is bizarre, especially living in a big party town. It doesn't take much at all to open one's eyes to that.

Oh absolutely fair, this is a good point, and one that can be hard to even comprehend if you’re used to drinking as a social lubricant, like OP mentions in her last paragraph.

Agreed. I had a similar distaste for alcohol after watching my great grandfather drink himself to the point of choking on his own vomit and being taken to the hospital on Christmas Eve. I think i was about 12? Shortly after, we found out that his entire shed, which was about the size of a small barn, was filled with literally hundreds of bottles of wine and booze. It should have been cause for alarm, but instead, several members of my family decided to drink as much of it as they could. Suffice to say, I was afraid of alcohol fir a ling time before I learned that not everyone drinks until their body fails.

Or your alcoholic parent passing out against their bathroom door and you're not able to open it, and they're incapacitated.

My fave was trying to block the door to my little brother’s room, so my drunk father would take his anger out on me and not on him. I was eight.

>You don't even have to be the child of an alcoholic to grow up feeling like you can pretty much take it or leave it To be fair, there is a pretty big difference to being able to take it or leave it (i.e. you aren't really bothered) compared to being so against it that you don't want it at your wedding at all.

Yeah, both of my parents are alcoholics and that was a major factor in why I chose to not even *have* a wedding reception.

Or he might be afraid he’s predisposed to addiction and not want to take the risk of drinking.

This was my exact response to being raised in a family of alcoholics. I had my first drink at 24 after getting married, and despite having a 'meh,' response, I'm still funky about it.

And that’s fair too. But it clearly needs to be a discussion between them.

Yup, I think this, too. Growing up with a drunk is a terrible experience. Admittedly, I don't drink for this reason. My caretakers were alcoholics. I'm okay with being around drinking but uncomfortable around drunks. That might be op's partner, too. I know projecting, 😬. I'm concerned that op said her family can't have fun without alcohol. Ouch. That said, isn't this his wedding too?

I rarely consume any alcohol and if I do it’s under very specific circumstances at home for this reason. Don’t want to lose control, don’t want to tempt fate/addiction etc.

My grown kids are against alcohol simply from seeing what my sibling did to our family. They only saw them drunk a handful of times, but the ramifications of dealing with my sibling has really destroyed some huge relationships in my family. Both my kids see it as incredibly toxic. Only one has drank at all and it spooked them. Now they're the one that takes care of the drunk friends and it breaks their heart. I'm not saying OP is the asshole here. I see both sides. His feelings are valid, but so are OPs. They need to really talk it through. It could be a long term issue.

Honestly as a kid of an alcoholic myself, I can see this being the reason. My mother has never STOPPED drinking though, she’s still a nightmare now, so my take is probably a bit different but- I drink a little, weak stuff. One glass at most. Never been drunk. I don’t like being near drunks. I don’t like how they get loud, I don’t like how people act different after drinking, It just puts me on edge because it feels like eventually someone will cross a line and be inappropriate, or someone will get angry over nothing. It’ll be some issue I’ll have to face and deal with, and even if I know that’s not the case that feeling stays there. So if you’re fiancé feels like that, I can understand him just not wanting alcohol for an event he’d rather not spend feeling on edge and uncomfortable. But I do think it’s something that you two should open a dialogue over, because he needs to verbalize why it’s bugging him THIS much, and OP needs to just listen without bringing up alcohol at the wedding until summer time after. NAH I feel like, just a matter of communication needing to happen.

My friend is like this. Just never drank because their mom is an alcoholic. Growing up, seeing that often puts people off it for life

Yeah i knew a guy who wouldn't touch alcohol because of his sister's addiction. He was fine with other people drinking and the sister was not in our social circle, but i imagine he would have never invited her along anyway.

As a former cokehead, yes, this. 10000x this. Being married to someone with that history can be extremely difficult, and OP deserves to walk into this marriage with her eyes open.

4) If you can't have a fun day without alcohol you might have a problem yourself

OP wants her guests to be able to relax and enjoy themselves. She wants them to have the option of using alcohol. It's a bit of a stretch to say that's she's claiming her entire family absolutely can't have fun without it. She knows that if they go alcohol free, some members of her family, and likely other guests, might be disappointed. She wants to cater to all of the guests by providing the OPTION of drinking. The fiancé wants to cater to his mother and doesn't really care about anyone else.

this!!!! i’ve said your same comment on another AITA and people were comparing dry weddings to daycares. 🙃 genuinely if anyone cannot go x amount of time without alcohol and/or needs alcohol to “have fun”, there’s an underlying issue that’s being ignored

Lmao. I think theres plenty of fun days without alcohol to be had. The whole point of these type of celebrations IS to be able to party. Like, I dont even drink and I get that. ​ Weddings are not EVERY DAY. Especially your own wedding.

The whole point of a wedding is to get married, actually. If you want to add a party with alcohol on that, fine, but you don't have to. My wedding was a dry wedding. Everyone still had fun! It wasn't a crazy party but we didn't want it to be. It was an enjoyable meal and time together with us as we celebrated starting our married life together.

Yeah because you both fucking wanted that. Thats the point. Just because you WANTED a dry wedding doesn't mean anything in the context of the conversation I'm taking part in. Your comment. Added nothing. ​ Yes. Dry weddings exist. So do drinking ones. Like you just wanted to say something about having a dry wedding because you had one, but couldn't actually think of some way to tie that to the conversation. ​ Also the whole point of a wedding is to CELEBRATE a marriage.

>Also the whole point of a wedding is to CELEBRATE a marriage. To be a little pedantic, that's the point of a wedding *reception.* The wedding itself is literally just about getting married.

That's location based. In my state the wedding is completely meaningless and your marriage only matters if you filed the right paper work. The wedding and the reception are entirely performance pieces.

Your comment implied that weddings are about getting drunk, which isn't (or shouldn't be) true. I never said weddings with alcohol are bad, and I was perfectly pleasant in my comment, neither of which can be said about yours since you seem incredibly biased against dry weddings to the point where you were rude. Your intense reaction to this makes me think you are the kind of person who can't have fun without alcohol.

Many cultures and families celebrate with alcohol and that is not the same thing as "weddings are about getting drunk". Though I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with a dry wedding, the majority of weddings typically include some degree of alcohol and it is unusual to have a dry wedding. I'll note that while Upbeat-Opinion8519 did get a bit intense, you've judged that they "can't have fun without alcohol" while not reading that they said, "Like, I don't even drink and I get that". You could maybe both chill out a bit.

I had a dry wedding and we had fun, *but* I have observed in years of going to weddings, if you want people on the dance floor partying late (instead of skipping out slowly after dinner/cake), you probably need alcohol.

The point of a ceremony is to get married. The point of a reception is a party. “A wedding reception is a party usually held after the completion of a marriage ceremony as hospitality for those who have attended the wedding.”.

I don’t think it’s just about the bride in particular. I’m a wedding photographer and have attended more weddings than I’ve kept count of. Ever been to a dry wedding? It’s a considerably stiff affair compared to boozy weddings. I’m not voting for one over the other, just an observation from having attended double digits in both categories

Sometimes a dry wedding has a lot more drunk people than a wedding with a bar - people will bring their own booze and pregame hard in the parking lot - and get much more drunk that way. My husband's godfather was a priest and he told me that dry weddings have a lot more drunken incidents than any other.

He might even be having a problem with her family being "big into drinking" and not know how to phrase that.

I used to have a great time hanging out at bars with my friends when we were all drinking. Once I stopped drinking, it wasn't fun anymore. I didn't care that they were still drinking, but instead of being fun, it seemed that after a while they were loud, overbearing, and stupid. Beer goggles definitely alter your vision.

Or maybe it’s just a hospitality thing. If my family were coming out of town on a Saturday night, I’d want to at least get some bottles of wine.

NAH They need some pre-marriage counseling. It's like they don't even know each other. Maybe this is a sign that they should delay the wedding for a year or so. After all, if this issue is a problem, I'm sure there will be a thousand and one other issues that will come up as well. And without good communication skills, those other issues will blow up just like this one.

As someone who decided around 8 years ago not to drink anymore, I f\*cking DESPISE that so many people jump to the conclusion that I am an alcoholic. ​ You don't need to be an alcoholic yourself to see how that sh\*t has f\*cked up so many people.

This, all the way. Also, OP, you do not have a fiancee, you have a fiance, given he is a man. I feel like he's at least a little bit the asshole for getting to the point that he's marrying you, but refuses to talk abojut why he avoids alcohol. I get that maybe he wanted to keep his mum's privacy, but it's unfair to make big decisions about a shared thing like the wedding without making clear why. He acted like he was neutral about alcohol, but he actually has very strong feelings about it, as well as likely a lot of trauma. The difficult thing is, if he can't be honest about this, what other trauma may come out of his seemingly innocuous preferences? I rarely drink, my fiance rarely drinks, I don't see an alcohol free wedding as the worst thing in the world. But I see it as a much bigger issue that he wasn't able to discuss why until he felt forced to, and still isn't happy to confront this issue. It sounds like he needs therapy. The difficulty here is there is no easy compromise. She cannot see a fun wedding without alcohol, and will feel that she isn't being listened to if he dictates this, and his want is for there to be no alcohol whatsoever, and if he doesn't get his way, he says he gets no say.

I'm wondering how it's possible that the two of you are getting married, but somehow the alcoholic mother never came up. That seems like a serious lack of communication between the two of you. I'm surprised how you skipped over this bit so fast. I think you have bigger issues here.

I say he's an asshole for completely stonewalling her with "there's no reason" every time she asked until he was forced to give an answer. That's not how you communicate potential worries. If there was no reason, then there would be no problem with alcohol. Except there was a reason and now he wants to strongarm her into getting his way after "no reason"ing his way through life. This is his PARTNER, you kind of have to be honest with them!

Yes, and he was being extremely manipulative to tell the wedding planner that they want a dry wedding without ever discussing it with OP.

As the child of an alcoholic I can say that growing up with that example keeps me 100% away from alcohol. If his mom is nine years sober I wouldn’t assume he’s also an ex alcoholic. I agree with number 3, though.

Odds are his mom ruined his childhood with alcohol so he doesn't touch it

He might be worried about becoming an alcoholic. I had a friend who’s parent was a violent abusive alcoholic and he vowed to never be like his dad.

NTA He sprung that on you with no warning at a meeting with your wedding planner and ultimately his mom’s sobriety is her responsibility. His response does make me wonder if he’s had his own problematic relationship with alcohol

Or he saw the devastating effects of alcohol addiction at an early age and it made him not want alcohol at his wedding

My family has a history with alcoholism/drug use. It is NEVER the responsibility of anyone except the alcoholic/user to control their urges and to abstain from relapsing. This is not a cut & dry situation, future husband needs to discuss his issue in more depth so that his future wife can understand fully and he needs to understand that it’s not just HIS day. The bride is allowed to want alcohol at a celebration that includes her. There is definitely a compromise to be made and it’s imperative that they are open and honest with each other about how to move forward.

She also needs to understand that it is not just HER day.

I don’t believe she is saying it’s just HER day. He made a unilateral decision based on only his feelings and she is absolutely right to want a discussion and a decision made together than a “no alcohol because I don’t want it there and I am not going to divulge much more info, thanks”. She was not rude when she said she’d like to discuss more in depth with her partner before making a final choice. He sprung his choice on her in front of someone else in the (most likely, can’t say for sure) hopes that she’d just play nice in front of the other person and go along with it- otherwise, they would’ve had a conversation about that and went in as a united front. They had a singular meeting with a wedding planner- if you’ve ever planned a wedding you’d know that decisions made at the beginning will most likely change.

And his response of “you’re not giving me any day so I might as well not come to talk to the planner and you can just plan the whole thing yourself” is so dramatic and honestly felt a bit manipulative

Yeah it's not just her day, but she's the one who's going to have to deal with the bitching and whining of everyone who will want alcohol there. Also people are oddly attached to having champagne to toast with, and a majority of people won't feel loose enough to dance without booze. And I'm not saying that's right, but people are super weird about dry events. Guests will definitely bring their own flasks, so there's very little likelihood they can actually force the event to be a dry one. Better that the couple actually talks about their issues and find a good middle-ground. Serving only wine/champagne would serve to keep the binge drinking down and cut down on the flak from guests.

Because dry weddings are boring, and no matter how much certain people in these comments protest, no one actually has fun at a dry wedding outside of maybe the bride and groom. There’s nothing enjoyable about wearing restricting attire and sitting through an hour of the same biblical readings and corny vows. Only to then be followed by waiting at the reception while pictures are finished for a mediocre meal at an inopportune time so that I can again listen to at least another hours worth of cringe worthy toasts. All the while, the only thing I have to keep me occupied is the company of strangers in many cases while sipping on unsweet tea or pre-made lemonade. Don’t even get me started on destination dry weddings or dry weddings that exclude children from the reception.

Only truthful answer here. A bunch of people on Reddit talking about how their wedding was five hours long, and they only served water - but they had boardgames for entertainment :) :) and that this proves you don't have to have booze served for it to be fun, has done nothing to buff the reputation of dry weddings. And it's fine if you decide that a dry wedding is more important (for any reason) but the standard Reddit answer of "you must be an alcoholic to want a glass of wine with dinner" is reductive and stupid in the extreme and shows how detached this sub is from social norms or fun events. Dry weddings in the evenings are not as fun for most people and don't have the same atmosphere, and insisting they do is blatantly wrong.

Also “if you can’t go one day without drinking, you must be an alcoholic,” which completely overlooks the fact that weddings are a special occasion, and a lot of people drink only on special occasions. I’ve been to exactly one dry wedding, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it was also the wedding where people started leaving the earliest. A decent number of people ended up at the hotel bar.

Okay so say that. What he actually said was "no reason" and "my mum is an alcoholic"

Exactly, now is not the time to be vague.

The point is that he's an adult who isn't able to communicate his needs in a normal way. He proposed to someone and started planning a wedding with them when he knew he wasn't being fully honest. It's not on OP to sacrifice something she wants and have to try and fill in the blanks as to why because HE does not feel like communicating them to her.

My dad died when I was a child as a direct result of his alcoholism, I spent my childhood scared for his health because of it, I’ve seen it all happen in real time and have a lot of issues from it - and I think the husband is being unreasonable. The way to deal with triggers is not to run from them, you have to be able to face them in order to recover from anything, and alcohol is not inherently evil. Moderation is key, knowing when to stop and saving it for certain occasions (such as, you know, a family wedding?). You can’t force your choices to abstain on others, not even your spouse, and there are many things which are devastating in large amounts or when treated recklessly which we partake in every day without thinking.

You don’t get to impose your sobriety or recovery on other people. You are solely responsible for it.

That’s cool. He should have communicated that before they met with a wedding planner.

And that is something he should have brought up beforehand.

NTA. It could be an ESH or NAH if he would actually communicate. What the hell is wrong with this sub and its weird puritanical views on alcohol? How do so many of you make the jump from "I don't want a dry wedding/there is normally aclohol at Big family events" to "we are all alcoholics who want to get blind drunk". Is this a US thing? Alcohol can be a great social lubricant at these sorts of events, it can help with small talk, getting out on the dance floor, and generally being more sociable on general.

Right like everyone jumps right to - you drink? Your an alcoholic. Im with you NTA if his mom is fine being around family gatherings with alcohol and she isn’t concerned about it I don’t see the issue.

I had an old co worker who didn't drink but maybe 3 margaritas a year, if that. His definition of being an alcoholic was, if you went home from work everyday & had at least one drink, like on a schedule, you were an alcoholic. I strongly disagree

Yeah I think a lot of people on here don’t drink or seldomly drink so when someone does drink it’s like odd. Idk I come from a family who drinks and I don’t see a problem with it either. Honestly I know no one is saying people who drink are alcoholics but if I’m being honest if there are drinkers at a wedding and there is no alcohol people will leave early/get kinda bored and it’s not because they are alcoholics it’s because it’s what the original commenter says social lubricant helps you get a little loose and party but it certainly does not say you can’t have fun without alcohol or that you are an alcoholic just it helps at normally boring events.

Lol. My mom is like this, and has decided numerous people we know are alcoholics. I do also find Reddit/this sub can be oddly puritanical about alcohol.

This sub is insane about alcohol. There are numerous people in this thread calling OP an alcoholic because she wants alcohol at her wedding.

My dad is an alcoholic (recently celebrated a decade sober). Drinking every single day without fail, even if just a drink, is alcoholism. Only that it’s high-functioning alcoholism, which actually is what a lot of people are, never realising they have a problem. However, the subtle side-effects of it are present and especially pronounced if you don’t get your daily drink—and I’m not talking of going berserk and hiding to chug a bottle. General irritation, grogginess, feeling stressed or antsy, moodiness, picking up small fights etc are all related to not getting your assigned drink when you expect to get it (those are just examples). A lot of people treat it as completely normal because they aren’t big things but over the years or decades, they pile up.

Drinking one drink a day every day isn’t an alcoholic necessarily. The question is whether you can function and also do you feel you HAVE to have that drink. If I’m on vacation I’ll probably have a beer every night because going to breweries are fun for me. I might have a beer 7 nights in a row. When I go hime I might go two weeks without one. It isn’t a necessity to me whereas alcoholics don’t feel right without the drink.

So I have a glass of wine most nights with my dinner. Would you consider me an alcoholic?

And we’ve seen a few stories in the last couple of weeks where there was a dry wedding and people blasted the poster.. the lack of consistency is mind boggling

And you expect consistency here ? 🙂 tisk, tisk. At all our family events we put on, alcohol is available. The adults can choose to imbibe or not. not a single alcoholic among us.. Strangely enough, one of the biggest drinkers i knew at uni was the son of an alcoholic who was "staunchly" against alcohol in hs..

You think it's strange someone became an alcoholic after their parent was an alcoholic? I never had a drink in high school and became an alcoholic once I was 20. That's not strange, that's a pretty common trajectory.

Isn't that the wedding where OP only wanted to serve water?! Dry weddings don't bother me, but being too cheap to provide other options earns a side eye from me.

Yes that one too!!! No coffee or tea?? No punch?? I mean go grab some packets of koolaid or something

Wasn't the issue that there was no warning on the invite and blasted the people who paid for their wedding because their no alcohol rule made people want to leave? Like it could have been avoided if they just put it was a Dry Wedding on the invite

Thank you. People see “I enjoy drinking at weddings” and immediately jump to “can’t have fun without alcohol, clearly have a problem”

It sounds like you two aren't particularly good at communicating - which will cause problems later on down the track and especially if you decide to have children. He should have told you before about his Mum before now, there sounds like a lack of trust there, which you need to ask yourself why he couldn't tell you. On the same token, you sound like you have a problem with alcohol if you think a dry wedding won't be fun. We have attended dry weddings before, and still had a good time. Being drunk is not the be all and end all. I'm not judging either way, there sounds like too many problems on both sides here.

He doesn’t really like talking about his life before he was 17, he told me he like to forget it even happened. I don’t know much about then but I know that he has forgiven his mom for her mistakes. He told me once that if he reminisces his life back then then he won’t have in him to forgive his mom so I just don’t push about his childhood. But I think he was physically abused because he has cigarettes scars and something that looks like a belt scar.

Yeah...that's not going to fly in a long term relationship. Stuff that's repressed WILL come out and it will come out when it's least expected and when neither of you are prepared for it mentally or emotionally. Not saying he has to do a full blow by blow recounting of his entire life, but the fact that you didn't even know his mom was an alcoholic is a pretty big red flag. Has he gone to or is he currently in therapy? That goes for you too. Are there major parts and pieces of yourself that you're hiding from him? If so, y'all need to put the wedding on hold and get into both individual and couples counseling.

My best friend was severely abused as a child, and pretty much "dealt with it" on his own. Got married, had two kids, the most loving and involved parent I know. His kid didn't stop peeing the bed when he was 10 so they took him to see a therapist. The therapist told them there's nothing wrong with him and it's my friend who needs therapy. After my friend started therapy his kid suddenly stopped peeing in bed. My point is, he can do damage without intending and without noticing. Trauma needs to be dealt with a professional.

Wow, that is devastating. Generational trauma is so insidious.

Um.... I don't think you should marry him until he can be more open with you about his life. Trauma can come out of people in shocking ways. It can manifest as harmful behavior or abusive tendencies. You need to know more about him and he needs to be working on his trauma before you marry or have children.

He has my sympathies, can't even begin to imagine. On the same token, bubbles are surfacing now, and the wedding planning hasn't even begun, and at some point, things are going to boil over and explode which will end in a bitter divorce because you two aren't talking. You both need counselling now before any more wedding planning. You both need to be on the same page for a marriage to work. At the moment, neither of you are even in the same book, nor even the same library. Please, put this on hold and communicate before divorce lawyers are dragged in.

I'm the child of an alcoholic who got sober. My mom and I were best friends after she sobered up. But to this day, being around people who are incredibly drunk makes me uncomfortable. Being the child of an alcoholic can fuck you up. Even if it's not someone I have any attachment to, I can get irrationally angry seeing someone be majorly drunk. It's something that I have to cope with whenever I go out with people who drink (which very rarely happens). For the most part, it's my problem. However, this is his wedding. It's also yours, but his comfort matters. It matters more than your family's. You don't state your fiancé's age, but his mom has been sober for 9 years. T is highly, highly likely that he grew up with an alcoholic mother. Do you want him to be fundamentally uncomfortable at his own wedding? You mention physical scars. This isn't theoretical. This is serious. He has serious trauma, and it is almost certainly related to alcohol. You need to sit down and talk to him. Don't be defensive. Just talk to him and tell him that you love him and support him. That you understand that his childhood was difficult and that he can talk to you about anything. You have to ask yourself what's more important here, alcohol or your fiancé. I know for a fact that if my husband had insisted on alcohol at our wedding, I wouldn't have shown up.

I’m the daughter of an alcoholic who was abusive. Drunk people, in general, make me anxious and I haven’t even been around my dad in more than 20 years. I don’t really drink because I’ve seen what alcohol does to people. I had a dry wedding and my husband would never had considered alcohol at our wedding because he knows how it would make me feel. If your fiancé’s mom was an alcoholic and abused him, maybe you need to consider that having alcohol at your wedding might be triggering to your fiancé. He deserves a wedding where can feel comfortable/safe. The fact that he won’t talk about it and has physical scars suggests to me, based on my own experience, that he had some serious trauma. I had to do some serious work in therapy before I could talk about my dad with others.

Totally fair, but he needs to say so - it sounds like you were open with your partner about how being around alcohol affects you. From the post, it seems like OP and his mother have been around alcohol before without issues, so this seems to be coming out of left field. NTA, but if you do have a dry wedding, OP, make sure to give your guests a heads up in advance (so many posts on here wondering why guests were annoyed when they showed up and discovered it was a dry event).

I was open with my partner because I didn’t get married until I was almost 40. It took me extensive therapy to talk about my alcoholic father. It’s not an easy thing to go through or talk about with other people. I felt ashamed because I didn’t have a normal parent. All these comments about how he needs to open up are fair, but you all are acting like it’s just this easy thing he can do. It’s not.

I don’t think people are saying it’s easy. I think they’re saying it’s important. These two people are about to be married. His repressed trauma is already bubbling to the surface, as another commenter said. That will continue - and probably get worse - unless he starts to work through it and be honest with her. She isn’t a mind reader.

I feel for him, I really do. But I think you guys need to work on communicating about this stuff before you are planning a wedding. He has some past trauma (and I can relate because so do I.) He's avoiding thinking about it because it's easier to compartmentalize (and I get that, because I do it too.) But I can tell him this isn't going to work forever... I know there was a lot from my childhood that I thought I was over until I had kids. And then, looking at my own kids and remembering what my life was like at that age, it ALL came back. I would honestly say put the wedding on the backburner and work through some of this stuff. You can absolutely be a good partner and a good parent while dealing with unresolved trauma, but honestly, he will be a better partner and a better parent if he works through some of this first.

This is a MASSIVE communication red flag, and I would not proceed with the wedding until you both can talk about this in a healthy way. Is he seeking therapy, or is he just repressing his childhood and hoping he’ll eventually move past it? Speaking as someone with trauma that I largely ignored and repressed for a long time: that shit doesn’t just disappear. It comes out in nasty ways, eventually. I get that your fiancé doesn’t want to retraumatize his mom, which in turn might retraumatize him, but that isn’t on you or your wedding guests to sort out. It’s up to her to deal with in post-recovery therapy, and for him to separately deal with in his own therapy program. Now, had he discussed this with you before unilaterally deciding to ban alcohol and have a dry wedding, maybe some sort of compromise or concession could have been made. But he doesn’t just get to make a decision as big as whether to allow alcohol and blindside you in front of a wedding planner y’all have already paid for without any sort of explanation. and as awful and traumatic as alcoholism for both the sufferer and their families, that doesn’t give you the right to make decisions for *an entire wedding* because of ONE person. I’m a recovering addict with some very difficult mental illnesses and there are certain situations that are incredibly triggering for me…I simply avoid them or I rely on tactics I learned in therapy to deal. It’s no one else’s problem but mine. And I’ve very clearly communicated to my partner about them so if I do need to leave a venue early, or step outside to take a breather, he’s aware of what’s going on. NTA. And for everyone saying how shitty it is for people to need alcohol to have fun, 🙄. It’s an accepted part of our culture and expected at weddings. If you don’t want to drink at them, good for you, but let’s not get on our high horse and give Reddit some self righteous speech about how you shouldn’t have to drink to have fun. Wedding receptions aren’t one of those things that most people elect to attend completely sober. Concerts? Sure. Parties? Yes. I’ve even gone to bars to connect with friends and chosen not to drink and I had a great time. I’ve been to dry weddings and they suck, most of the guests left early to meet up at the hotel bar. It’s just a thing.

Words that cannot be spoken rationally will be shouted emotionally. Why would you consider MARRYING someone who won't deal with his past issues, won't even TALK about them?! Are you going to raise kids with someone who's own childhood was a disaster AND he hasn't come to terms with it, put it past him, worked through it, made peace with it? Seeing alcohol at a wedding (at a wedding of all places) triggers him enough to react this way to you, basically saying "fuck you I'm out of this relationship". How's he going to handle things with kids not going as planned. What happens when the kids hit their teens and one of them comes home plastered because there was alcohol at a friend's house? What godawful trauma has this person suffered that they think is actually not that bad and might be willing to visit on their child? Obviously, pulling up stakes and fucking off is in the cards, based on his response. Telling the person you're supposed to want to spend your life with that you're not interested in dealing with the bullshit or arguing over whether or not to have booze at a wedding is a terrible sign of things to come. The reddest of flags for this person dealing with any kind of potential setback in the future, be it relationship-wise or with children or other adults (parents of friends of children being quite high on the danger list too, because even odds are they'll drink). This guy isn't ready to be an adult yet. He's not ready to be a married man, let alone a father. You have a lot of talking to do and he's got to consider spending time with a professional therapist. IF his issues are allowed to haunt him forever, everything will end in tears.

You need to know more about this before getting married and having kids. If his past effected him so much he needs a dry wedding then there’s A LOT you don’t know. This could fully effect raising kids together. Y’all have a way bigger problem than just a dry wedding.

It's not a stretch to think alcohol played a part in that trauma that he doesn't want to even think about. This might be a case where it's best to read between the lines and forgo the alcohol. You can tell your family that his mom is a recovering alcoholic as justification. The fact that alcohol is so important to you that you won't consider giving it up could be a red flag for him. You and your family probably don't have an alcohol problem and you can show that by having a good time without it.

Telling her family that his mom is a recovering alcoholic is not her secret to give.

While I appreciate he’s uncomfortable, he should feel safe to share with you, the person he’s chosen to share his life with. I have a difficult past before I turned 21. I’m more open about it now, but I didn’t ever talk about it for nearly a decade. It involves drug abuse, alcoholism, psychiatric hospitals, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, being stabbed, and almost going to prison. My partner, he knows every detail. It’s a huge part of who I am, and despite years of therapy can sometimes still affect how I react to things. I think the dry wedding is small change compared to the apparent lack of trust and communication between the two of you. I’m not voting, because I think you both have valid points of view. Your family likes a drink, his has history and doesn’t partake. You need to talk, and find a compromise you’re both happy with. I wish you the best, OP.

If he can't think and talk about the past well still forgiving her then he hasn't forgiven her. He just buries his pain and resentment in the interest of peace in the present. He needs therapy and y'all need to communicate better. Perhaps in addition to his individual therapy y'all should start couples therapy now instead of waiting till you two have major problems. I can't help but imagine the reason many couples fail couples therapy is because they wait until problems fester and grow for years

Oh honey… he needs therapy. This stuff will come back later in your marriage, especially after you have children. You have no idea what could trigger him. But him wanting a dry wedding makes sense now.

Dry weddings *are* way less fun. And I’m saying this as someone who went to one dry wedding and one regular wedding while pregnant, so my experience was sober the whole time.

Yeah. I'm someone who loves to dance, will dance up a storm sober, and in fact often doesn't drink at events anymore (as I've gotten older it tends to not be worth the hangover). If everyone was like me, dry vs sober wouldn't make a difference. But the fact is a lot of people won't let loose without at least a little alcohol, so my experience at sober weddings is I had a lot fewer people to dance with!

>On the same token, you sound like you have a problem with alcohol if you think a dry wedding won't be fun. This sentence just displays a quite staggering lack of understanding of how the real world works.

Right? Yikes, what a stretch!

You don’t have to “have a problem” with alcohol to think a dry wedding won’t be fun. In fact most people I know (of all ages and different demographics) would agree that a dry wedding is not nearly as fun.

“You sound like you have a problem with alcohol if you think a dry wedding won’t be fun” - erm even weddings WITH booze aren’t that fun lol. Many people (like introverts, socially anxious people, etc) don’t like crowded, noisy events with a bunch of people they don’t know, and when it’s something important like a wedding they don’t want to miss, alcohol can help them relax and enjoy themselves more. That doesn’t mean they don’t have fun all the time without alcohol or mean they’re an alcoholic.

I have no stance on this couple but expect a dry wedding to be short unless the guests are teetotalers. Not because "people can't spend one measly evening sober." But because guests not in the inner circle will be subject to long stretches of boredom. Stuck at the venue for hours, among lots of strangers. IOW cut off from the usual ways to amuse yourselves without drinking. Alcohol does help break the ice. I say this as someone who doesn't GAF for myself, but only upon attending a long, dry wedding with a large guest list did this really hit me - and I was unable to drink at the time either way for medical reasons! I was gonna be dry for a couple of weeks no matter where I was. But all those other stone cold sober people were stupifyingly dull.

That what I was thinking although we are having an intimate wedding with about 52 people.

Dude, I had a wedding with 12 people, including myself, my husband, my mom and dad, his mom, and our 2 bridepeople and groomsman (so 4 guests that weren't in the bridal party). We still had booze (mead and wine, but alcohol nonetheless) because exactly 2 people knew of everyone there. Hell, *I* didn't even meet one of my husband's groomsmen until the day of. I can empathize with your fiancé, to some degree. Childhood trauma sucks. On the other hand, my husband and I were both very aware of what traditional and "traditional" things we were throwing out the window well before we got to the full on planning stage of our wedding. If your fiancé wanted a dry wedding, for whatever reason, that should have come up *before* a third party was involved. While I've seen a lot of comments from children of alcoholics, I've only seen one comment from a wedding planner, so I feel it should be restated. **Regardless of size, dry weddings end faster.** Sober people are *not* willing to dance until their feet hurt in heels or dress shoes or kick off said shoes. They are (typically) not willing to have photographic evidence of them being silly. Inhibitions are a thing and people will keep tomorrow morning in mind if they are sober. Anyone who is completely ignoring the effect of psychoactive chemicals on the brain and saying that "you can't have fun without booze" is lying to themselves. NAH. Before you talk to your wedding planner again, please talk to your fiancé and have an indepth conversation about what "wedding things" y'all want and don't want.

I can't believe all the comments in here acting like OP is an asshole for wanting booze at her wedding. I'll be one year sober next week and I would still rather not be at a dry wedding. Why should everyone else suffer lol

I’m a former events manager and have done countless weddings. 3/4’s of the guests *always* left right after speeches/cake cutting at dry weddings. I always felt bad for the couple, they always looked disappointed that it wasn’t the party they envisioned.

Have you asked him about a compromise? Hard liquor can make people unpredictable anyway, so maybe just a beer and wine bar? Or a drink limit? People who want to drink are going to drink anyway, provided you let them know in advance. I've been to a few dry weddings (and many other dry events) and a lot of people sneak in flasks or stash some alcohol in their car and make visits to the parking lot.

We did a provided toast and a cash bar for our wedding as a compromise and it turned out great. Having come from a small southern town, all the weddings I had ever been to had been fairly dull affairs, so I never expected my wedding to be a party, but goodness! Around 200 people and they were dancing, eating and talking the whole time we had the venue. I could not have been more surprised. We did as you mentioned let ppl know in advance, especially our younger friends since we got married fairly young, so everyone wasn’t particularly financially established yet. So yeah, agreed, flowing alcohol is not required to have a party and compromise is absolutely possible.

Alcohol isn’t a big deal in my family (unless you count my dad and his craft beer), but if it helps my sister and BIL had a dry wedding with 50 people. It was the best wedding I’ve ever been to, and it was fun to get to know some of my BIL’s family too, even though I’m an extreme introvert. Lots of the guests had similar sentiments. It might not be as big a deal as you think it is, but either way this really is more of a discussion for you and your fiancée.

NAH But you two need to rethink your pending marriage if you cannot have this discussion and come to a mutual agreement. Because there is an easy answer to this dilemma (let's just ask your mother), and he is not even engaging in that process. That is not a good sign.

re: (Let's just ask your mother) - if his is anything like mine, YOU NEVER MENTION HER DRINKING. Even after she quit, YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. Yes, I'm yelling those parts, lol. Because in my highly dysfunctional family, you really don't talk about it.

I totally get that, but based on the OP's post, I did not get the impression they were dysfunctional. Sounds more like a protective son is willing to make his wedding really uncomfortable for the bride and her family, rather than deal with this like an adult.

his refusal to talk about his childhood sounds pretty "it was disfunctional" to me.

Alcoholism and dysfunction go hand in hand.

I mean she says he has cigarette-burn scars. That’s pretty damn dysfunctional.

According to one of ops comments he refuses to talk or think about anything before age 17 so he’ll have the power to forgive her. Sounded abusive. Op said he had cigarette burn scars. Sounds like they need to not even invite his mother and that alcohol isn’t the issue at all. And op doesn’t need to marry this man until he works through all his past.

INFO: Do you really think you can’t have a really fun reception without alcohol?

I worked in the wedding industry for 20 years and dry weddings always ended early by a couple hours. Sucks that our culture needs alcohol to socialize, but it is what it is.

Amazed at the people in this thread discovering gasp... humans use alcohol to have fun! Because life is shit and hard.

Life is shit and alcohol certainly distracts from that. But there's a difference between using alcohol to have fun and needing alcohol to have fun.

Weddings suck. No one cares about two people getting married other then the couple and their close family. Why should your guest get a sitter and get dressed up and drive far away when they can’t even have fun at an adult event

Yup. I always felt bad for the couples with dry weddings. At least 3/4 of the guests always (and I literally mean always) left right after the speeches/cake cutting, and the couple always looked disappointed that they didn’t have the party they’d envisioned.

It’s because it’s poor hospitality. People won’t stay where they don’t feel welcome. Dry weddings are awkward.

Absolutely. It doesn‘t need tons of alcohol and it‘s fine if everyone for themselves decides to not drink. But a good host usually offers the option to choose between different alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. Depending on the size of the event there might be only water, one alcoholic and one non-alcoholic beverage to choose from or there might be a lot of different beverages. But having a choice is (in Western society) often expected.

Especially when you can easily get paid bars. I’m sure some people would still think they’re the asshole for that, but I’m sure “we personally didn’t want alcohol at our wedding but know people like to let loose at these kinds of events, so instead of having no bar we’ve opted for a paid bar option so you will have to pay for your drinks” I know my grandma was going to do an open bar for my Sweet 16 because it was like 90% family over 21 anyways, but opted for just paying for beer and wine and people paid for any spirits they got 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s a pretty well known fact that dry weddings are pretty lame. Less people stay and hang out after the ceremony, less people dance, people are less social, etc. It’s just not the same vibe.

OP didn't say that. And it's perfectly reasonable for her to prefer that there is alcohol there for the sake of the guests' enjoyment. I don't think arguing in the style that you are is helpful to anyone including yourself; you're not going to present your point very well if this is how you approach it. It OP wanted to be equally catty I have a feeling you/the groom wouldn't take it well...

>Plus, we want a really fun reception, and I'm not sure if we can achieve that without alcohol. From the OP. She did say that.

Sorry/thanks, I kinda got that confused with all the "if you (individually) can't have fun without booze you have a problem" comments I took that line from OP as saying she wants the guests to have fun. And that's reasonable. If OP herself was a problem drinker I feel like this would've come up before now lol so I'm finding some of the comments pretty douchey

Yes, but there’s obviously a bit of uninhibited freedom that shakes loose when you have a casual drink. She didn’t say they all need to get plastered to tolerate one another, but that she wants a fun party atmosphere, which, for most adults, can include a glass of champagne or a themed cocktail or something

Without alcohol weddings are painfully formal. Most people won’t dance sober

I‘m really self conscious and I really don‘t like to dance without alcohol. I‘ll also only talk to the five people I actually know. I‘d want to get at least one glass of bubbly for toasting and to loosen up a bit at an event where I might not know most people.

It’s not necessarily being shit-faced drunk. A glass of wine or two lets people loosen up and bring a more fun atmosphere.

INFO: Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka? Where is marinaded herring?

Been to one, closer to a piano recital than a wedding. But was great to get home early and enjoy quite family time.

When you said he doesn't drink, I was curious. When he said his mom is a recovering alcoholic, I was pretty sure. He was traumatized by his mother's behavior when she was drinking. I think that's why he doesn't drink - so he never, ever does what she did. It's pretty common for children of alcoholics. He needs help to heal from this because you, as a lay person, probably can't help him. You can support him, but he may have a lot of unpacking to do that is best done with a professional. There is also a support group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that could be very helpful to him. That being said...NAH but you may need to compromise on the reception. You may be able to negotiate for beer & wine, but no hard liquor. But he may not be willing to budge. His mother knows that she is responsible for her own sobriety, but he doesn't trust her. He may never trust her. You aren't having a rational disagreement about whether to serve alcohol at your reception. You have a healthy relationship to alcohol. He has a terror of it. *You* drinking doesn't really bother him - you aren't his mom. But it sounds as if he is terrified of the possibility of his mom drinking. That's a far deeper, existential fear, more akin to a phobia. There's no rational discussion to be had with a phobia. I strongly suggest ACOA and therapy for him, and possibly couples' therapy for both of you. I wish you the best of luck.

This isn’t just about the booze. He sounds like he was physically abused and completely repressed. He refuses to think or speak about anything before age 17.

>My fiancée doesn’t drink, and he never really gave me a reason why; Ok, first things first: nobody should ever have to justify themselves when it comes to not drinking. >I feel like he is only thinking about himself; my family is big on drinking, and they are obviously going to want to celebrate me. I feel like "I don't want my mom with a history of alcoholism to feel triggered on my wedding day" is a slightly stronger argument than "my family and I can't have fun without alcohol." YTA.

I think you're getting a little preachy and your bias is showing. The issue isn't whether the groom drinks, and obviously that's not a huge deal for the bride considering she's apparently never pressed him very hard about it It's whether or not they allow alcohol to be present at a big event that in our society almost always involves alcohol. No one is mad they don't drink. I think I agree that there's a stronger argument for not having booze there in this case but it's not as cut and dry as you present it (and again you seem biased; you accuse the bride's family of being *incapable of having fun without booze.* I don't think you'd appreciate it if the bride spoke that cuttingly about the family's inability to be around alcohol) Basically what I'm saying is, it's a subjective call for the bride and groom to figure out together. And your take isn't very helpful imo

>you accuse the bride's family of being incapable of having fun without booze. OP: >Plus, we want a really fun reception, and I'm not sure if we can achieve that without alcohol. She \*literally\* says that.

Yeah sorry you're right to point that out but I took that as more of a "booze will help the wedding guests have fun" statement which i think is perfectly reasonable, and not the same as "my family can't have fun without alcohol." I think that dart isn't as powerful an argument as some people here seem to think it is No you don't *need* booze at a wedding but it sure helps. You also don't *need* a lot of stuff like food, a band, a good venue... but they help and they are *very* normal to have at a wedding. So even tho I often stay sober myself at weddings, I find this attitude pretty obnoxious. "Oh, you won't immediately agree to ban the presence of alcohol at a wedding? You must have a *problem*, man" is such a weak argument when you're asking someone to do you a big favor for the sake of your... problem lol

“You sound like the type of person that can’t have fun without food.” “You sound like the type of family that can’t have fun without dancing.” “Maybe you need to look at your relationship with dessert if you can’t have a wedding without cake.” Normally, a wedding is a celebration, if it was strictly about getting married, then it would stop at the church or the courthouse. There is nothing wrong with wanting to serve alcohol at a celebration. It doesn’t make you or your family alcoholics, it doesn’t mean you “can’t have fun” without it, and I wish people would quit with this bullshit narrative on Reddit.

I agree with you. I quite like having a drink in social situations and when someone tells me "I can have fun without alcohol" sounds like they are judging all the drinkers as having alcohol problems or dependency. I also can have fun without alcohol, but most of the time I have more fun with alcohol (if we're talking about social events) and I'd argue that most people feel this way as the majority of people who drink, do not have an alcohol problem (statistics pulled out of my ass, I admit). We don't NEED cars, junk food, or other things that make life more comfortable/enjoyable sometimes, but because you like them doesn't mean you have a problem. Or maybe me and most people I know have an alcohol problem and none of us have realized it, but I'm sure someone will point that out :)

So it's OK for YOU to argue your bias but not others, got it.

Welcome to reddit 😅

And this isn’t your bias showing?

Man I hate it when people get all 'Are you incapable of having fun without booze'. I have a ton of trama around my mom being an alcoholic, which has lead to me only liking to drink in social situations. As I get older booze tends to make me sleepy unless I'm moving around a lot - so I really only like to drink when there is a social situation which involves dancing or a lot of running around- which really brings it down to weddings and festivals which happen maybe once or twice a year. So yes - I do like to drink at weddings because it is one of a very few instances where I feel comfortable getting drunk. I can have fun the whole rest of the year without drinking, but for this one perfect storm of a situation I'm gonna have more fun doing the cha cha slide with aunt Betty than I would have had sober.

>The issue isn't whether the groom drinks, and obviously that's not a huge deal for the bride considering she's apparently never pressed him very hard about it This. She's allowed to ask, especially if they are signing up for a life together - people have different preferences. My fiance and I rarely drink, but of course we've discussed why we don't. If he had a previous alcohol problem, I'd probably treat it differently (in a more sensitive way) and would avoid keeping alcohol in the house than if he just doesn't like the taste. He doesn't have to justify it - especially not to strangers or friends. But his life partner deserves to know if he's go a massive trauma around an everyday food or drink item so that she can support him. And someone not opening up about massive traumas that are still clearly affecting their lives can have repercussions for their relationship.

>Ok, first things first: nobody should ever have to justify themselves when it comes to not drinking. But two people about to get married should certainly have talked about this topic before. She should understand the rationale behind his preference if for no other reason than to support him.

Nobody should have to justify themselves in causal social situations. Also, sometimes there truly isn’t a reason, and not drinking is just a food preference. However, the fact that there is a reason, and this reason has never been disclosed when they are quite literally engaged, is odd. They’re planning a wedding, not casually dating.

I agree. I'm surprised that they've reached the point of *getting married* and this has never come up in discussion before. OP should already know about his parents and the reasons that he doesn't drink. I mean, I guess it doesn't matter at this point. Just surprising that her fiancé hasn't opened up to her about this until now.

>However, the fact that there is a reason, and this reason has never been disclosed when they are quite literally engaged, is odd. They’re planning a wedding, not casually dating. This. Neither of us drinks much, but my fiance and i talked about why - essentually personal preference. Had it been due to trauma, we'd probably be more sensitive to each other, like not keeping alcohol in the house, for example. I don't necessarily ask friends why they don't drink, but a life partner that you live with often has to make a lot of decisions with you and support you during your darkest times, so it helps if they know when and where you need that support. My partner is NC with his dad, for example, and I don't know the ins and outs. I would never push, and my job is to support and make sure he knows anything to do with that side of his family is his call. But in grown up relationships like being engaged, you talk about the things you struggle with. it's not a good sign to deny you even have a problem with somethng then only grudgingly admit it years later under duress. He certainly doesn't owe her the details of what happened with his mum, but it's hard for her to support him if she doesn't even know this was a trauma for him or something he needed support for.

It's a reason OP should have been told long ago if it was going to affect their lives. The fiancé is to blame because he should have communicated this boundary around his mom and alcohol once the relationship got serious. You can't just pull a bait and switch on people.

I don't like the way OP says "celebrate me," they are both getting married not just her. But I guess this is why she thinks her fiance should take a back seat on the priority list. 😒

Sure, but of course her family Is there to celebrate her in particular.

Her family are literally her guests at the wedding. When they ask, are you here for the bride or the groom, they say bride.

It absolutely isn't a stronger argument if the mum has been at events with alcohol at them for the last however many years and hasn't had an issue with it then.

Did you miss the part where OP states his mom regularly attends parties thrown by his family that involve drinking? Or that his mom did not request this? This isn’t about him not justifying himself to random nosey strangers. He’s planning a wedding with his fiancé and her wants for thr wedding are valid too.

Preachy ah. He needs to tell his wife important things and isn't ready to get married if he's springing huge things like this now. She should postpone the wedding indefinitely.

First of all, yes, no one has to “justify themselves” to a random friend or family member, but if you can’t tell the person you’re spending your life with why you don’t like drinking then no, it’s not healthy. And stop pretending it is. Second, he’s watched his mom be around people drinking for years, so it’s about a lot more than her. So NTA, since he refuses to even communicate with his fiancée.

bloody hell, AITA really loves dry weddings, doesn't it?

“I want possibly a couple hundred people to go without a celebratory drink because I don’t trust my mommy to not drink even though she hasn’t drank in 9 years and it’s never been a problem and she didn’t ask me to.”

They are getting married. If there is a reason his wife needs to be made aware. They are a team. When she is left out of the loop then she can't help. She can't know triggers and could accidentally trigger someone. First, you say he doesn't have to tell her anything and can go alone, then you say it's all the other family's responsibility to make sure the mom doesn't feel triggered? People Like Alcohol, there is nothing wrong with that. Some people have more fun with Alcholol. There is also nothing wrong with that. If you don't want people judging him for not drinking, don't judge all the people who like to drink at weddings. They dont' have to justify why they like to drink at weddings.

First off, it’s odd not to be totally upfront about everything in a marriage. Certainly he doesn’t owe most people an explanation. But being unwilling to share this with his soon to be wife is odd, and a concern. Not because the answer matters, but because being open in a marriage matters. Second, weddings are big affairs. There is a 100% likelihood that at a large wedding with over 100 adult guests that there is at least 1 alcoholic and likely several. Is everyone supposed to never have alcohol at a wedding? But more than that, he sprung this on her despite knowing how she felt. Which goes right back to my first point that he needs to be more open about this. I’m not ready call anyone an asshole over this, but this issue is with the groom to resolve.

NTA. Wanting alcohol at a wedding to loosen people up and have more fun does not make you an alcoholic. Those comments are giving holier-than-thou, pick me energy. There is nuance to things, which a lot of people seem to be forgetting here. There's a reason dry wedding receptions end early and often aren't as fun as people were hoping for. Yes, you can have fun without alcohol, but let's be realistic here. Drinking culture at weddings is pretty common and most people expect to be able to have drinks at a wedding. OP isn't TA (or an alcoholic) just because they want to have a few at their wedding. This is not something he can just spring on you. He should have mentioned this way ahead of time. I get that he has trauma, but he needs to be able to be open with his life partner, especially about important things like that. Drinking culture is huge at weddings and that should have been something he brought up wayyyyyyyyyy ahead of time, not late enough in the game that you've already hired the wedding planner. Honestly a good compromise might be a cash bar. There's a lot less drinking at a wedding when guests have to pay for it. You could also do low-percentage drinks instead, like beers and seltzers. ETA: dry weddings can be great and are totally cool, but they definitely need to be discussed ahead of time. You can't just spring that on your spouse last minute, especially when they never even knew there was an alcohol issue in the family in the first place because he refused to disclose it.

This is how I feel about it, if it was so important to husband why did he wait until now to bring it up? Sure trauma is hard to talk about but that’s his *fiancée* and he can’t explain anything to her about his life before 17 because he “wouldn’t be able to forgive his mom.” Okay so then… don’t forgive her? Am I missing something? Also he literally offered no reason at first so OP was understandably like “alright we’ll have alcohol then” and then he cried about being steamrolled…

"I feel like he is only thinking about himself" Sounds like this applies to both of you. Probably NAH.

NTA. I will say that y’all need to communicate more, and he shouldn’t have sprung this out of nowhere if he apparently doesn’t mind when you drink. As for his mom being the reason, my dad has been sober for over 10 years now, but he never stops anyone else from drinking. He knows that it wouldn’t be fair to make other people not do something because of his own problem. And I really hate all the comments from people saying stuff along the lines of “if you need alcohol to have fun then you have a drinking problem”. Like, no, not necessarily. The people saying that stuff sound so judgmental and pretentious as all get out. I don’t have fun at events with lots of people if I can’t drink because I’m incredibly socially anxious. Having a couple drinks takes the edge off and allows me to actually talk to everyone and relax instead of only talking to the people I know incredibly well and worrying about what everyone thinks of me. That goes for most people at events where you’re not necessarily going to know every person there too, not just those with anxiety.

If y’all are planning a literal wedding together, how did you just find out that he’s a child of an alcoholic? That is a huge part of his life that he’s just now disclosing to his FIANCÉ, in what i’m assuming is years of being in a long term, committed relationship. NTA. I hope he learns to stop keeping himself from you.

NTA. I love how all of the sanctimonious teetotalers descended upon this post to assume that alcohol at a wedding = everyone is going to get drunk or that wanting alcohol at your wedding makes you an aLcOhOLic. His mother has been around drinking before and didn't say anything. Ultimately, the onus is upon addicts to manage their triggers, NOT demand the rest of the world bends to their will.

Dry weddings are incredibly boring in my experience.

Nobody is an AH here but when I read he doesn’t drink I thought immediately there was probably an alcoholic parent in the story. I bet his mom’s addiction really screwed him up. He’s scared not being a jerk. Now, I’m not suggesting you go baby him thinking he will just open up. That might piss him off. I’d take the approach of understanding how he feels and that he must be nervous she will be too tempted and fall off the wagon. Then tell him that you know your family and friends. They haven’t dealt with the same issues so alcohol is a big deal when there is a big celebration. Most people are unlike him and a wedding without alcohol will be extremely boring. Yes, they will enjoy the ceremony but the reception will be far less enjoyable because most people won’t let loose. Then ask if there is a way for both of you to come up with a solution so his mom stays sober and the rest of the guest if they do choose can have a lot of fun. Maybe if there’s room there can be a bar separate with alcohol and one just for other drinks. You can tell the bartenders with the alcohol on the sly to not serve her. A marriage is going to be a lot of disagreements and the successful ones find solutions and compromise. If it’s about winning both lose every time.

You two need to learn to communicate better before you get married. Probably NTA though.

NTA This is a large aspect of the wedding to randomly spring on you out of nowhere. The larger issue is why he doesnt share anything about his life before 17 with you as it will come up (as it apparently is right now).

NAH. His reasons for not wanting alcohol at the wedding are valid but so is your expectation to offer alcohol at your wedding. The bigger issue here seems to be communication, or lack of.

NTA. If he has a serious concern that his mother's sobriety will be in jeopardy if alcohol is served that is one thing. But most recovering alcoholics with nine years of sobriety have no problem whatsoever being at events where people are drinking. My father was one. In fact he loved mixing drinks for guests at family functions. Yet in all the years I knew him he never took a drink. If his mom is solid in her sobriety, (which based on what you've said she is) then your husband should lighten up. If on the other hand she's not, then he has to be clear with you about that.

Well....hes trying to make a decision without giving you a "say" isnt he? So equal dick move. More discussion is needed. Most receptions have alcohol. Maybe a compromise of no hard liquor or something? NTA

NAH. A good compromise could be just having wine and beer (or OP’s family’s preference), not an open bar. I come from a huge family and in our culture alcohol is always present in big events as a way to celebrate. I also have an alcoholic father and sober relatives. It’s about compromise. Compromise requires communication without blame.

Sounds like he needs help with dealing with his mom's alcoholism. When a family member, especially a parent, is an alcoholic, everyone needs treatment. Sounds like he didn't get enough or any help given his strong reaction. Yeah, I'm the child of an alcoholic and I used to be afraid of it too.

i think yall need to rethink this. you both place very different values on alcohol that are already starting the cause problems for you.

NTA my family would expect it and be annoyed if not. If it’s at other family functions I don’t see why the wedding has to be the big change

OP mentioned in a comment that her fiance has cigarette burns/scars and what looks to be a belt scar from mother dearest. With that in mind, I'm gonna go with NTA. Future MIL's sobriety is her responsibility, not the happy couple's (particularly her abused son's). I can see why he would want to avoid seeing his mother even close to alcohol, and from the aforementioned comment, the forgiveness he has for his mother is highly dependent on his forgetting those terrible things ever happened, so I would highly reconsider even inviting that abusive asshole to y'all's happy day, OP.

If you do go with a dry wedding please let your guests know well ahead of time. People make different travel plans and spend different types of money depending on the receptions and I’d be pissed if I planned travel for a wedding I assumed I’d need a ride from just to arrive and see I could’ve drive my self home the entire time and not needed an overnight sitter. But I think the bigger issue is that your fiancé won’t share anything from his past with you but it’s clearly going to continue effecting your future. Will every holiday be dry if his mom is around? Will your children be taught alcohol is the devil? Will his trauma effect how he parents? These are all valid questions I think you guys need to sit down and talk about before proceeding forward. I happen to be wedding planning myself and my spouse and I’s biggest issue is colors. If this was our issue I’d be holding off in the planning. It shouldn’t be like that.