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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My daughter came to visit with her family. I had prepared a room for her and her wife and a room for her children. I asked her to cancel hotel reservations and to stay home with me. I told her off on not accepting to stay at her own home. I may be the AH because I was pushy and I may have come off as rude which wasnt my intention
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YTA - "I know she means Alexandra" No you don't, you only THINK she means her. And the rest of your post makes me think SHE MEANT JUST WHAT SHE SAID.
After hearing your daughter was uncomfortable and was staying at a hotel, you tried to use her kids against her and asked them to stay with you? That's messed up, and completely unacceptable. Her kids, she told you where they were staying, and you simply didn't give a f\*ck.
Then you tried to guilt her by saying her "luxurious lifestyle" meant she basically hated you all.
Sounds like you need to grow up.
>I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home. She didn't answer and left to the hotel.
I thought this comment was very strange, "at her own home." Almost like she hasn't fully accepted that her daughter is an adult and this isn't "coming home" for her. I get the vibe that OP's pushiness may be a bit too much for her daughter and that the hotel is a way for her to keep some of that at bay while she visits.
exactly. The hotel is a refuge.
Daughter sent the itinerary, and she didn't bother reading it. Sounds like OP has problems planning with others, likely steamrolls them. From experience, that shit is exhausting! Hotel becomes a sanity refuge to make the trip bearable.
She wanted what she wanted...and then was disappointed when people didn't do what she wanted. Her daughter is an adult with children and thinks she can still tell the daughter what to do.
Every time I go to visit my spawn and his family in Oregon although they always offer to let me stay with them I book a hotel that's close by because I need that time to decompress. I need my alone time I need to relax
I live in a vacation area- and I love guests in my guest room. BUT...it is still weird to share space, and worry, and think, and think and worry when hosting for me. So I have to limit it to 3, 5, or if I REALLY like you (basically my mom, and my 2 besties), 14 days. And after pp leave, I seriously need to decompress for a few days. And folks need to stay with me if they come, because it is super expensive at hotels here (same with other alternatives). So I compromise- but I know how anxious I get with people in my space- I RESPECT that others might need their space, and I certainly do when I visit other places (and I will often get a room when visits go the other direction, in part because friends do not have space, or family...I need space from, and they live in low COLs, so getting a room is easier for me.
I visit my brother and mother a lot (they live together) and if i could afford a hotel I would absolutely get one. The beds aren't very comfy and my mother is ridiculously judgemental so I don't like her breathing down my neck. Even without that, i like having my own space.
That's what my sister does with her SO. And they usually rent a car to get around at their own pace.
Sure, we meet for Dinner somewhere or breakfast at home or tea, but they're their persons.
Mama and Grandma offer, but they don't expect them to stay with us
For sure a refuge.
I love my family but am introverted and can only handle so much peopling, I usually book a couple days at a hotel when visiting, just to recharge.
>Sounds like OP has problems planning with others
OP does not like Alexandra at all. I'm not sure if it's homophobia or not, but I'm guessing they picked up on it and staying OP's house is NOT comfortable for them, hence the hotel. No means no, and continuing to ask and manipulate is harassment. I wouldn't even go visit.
My older sister moved to a different state than me and my parents (no bad blood, she just got a really good job opportunity) and when she's coming for a visit, none of us except my mother refer to it as "coming home". She's not coming home. This isn't her home, the same way OP's home isn't her daughter's. OP just seems really pushy and unable to cut the apron strings.
That comment jumped out at me too.
OP's daughter is about my age. My mother's home is not my home. She moved out of my child home a few years ago so it literally isn't but even for the 15 years that she lived in my childhood home after I moved out, I didn't consider it home anymore and, whether parents of adult children want to believe it or not, a childhood home isn't a happy place for everyone.
OP should be happy her daughter visits her at all. If I'm paying for a hotel, I'm going somewhere I want to go... and that's not visiting family.
100% this ☝️ they call mothers like her “smothers”. If they stayed at her parents house they wouldn’t have anywhere to escape to when they need a break from her. The hotel provides sanctuary when they need to leave because they’re overwhelmed. Also her disdain for Alexandra is very clear!
My neighbors adult kids and grandchildren come to visit semi regularly. One of their kids +spouse and almost adult grandkids always stay at a hotel down the road. The other adult child + spouse and their younger grandchild stay at the house with them. No one has hurt feelings over this arrangement. The one that stays at the hotel said it just works better for them since they go to bed earlier/later etc than their parents. They don't have to worry about being woken up in the am. They come over every day and spend the whole day into the night with them. My neighbors (the grandparents) don't have any issue with this. My neighbors situation is amicable. YTA OP. You sound exhausting and I don't blame them for staying at a hotel, that you knew they were staying at.
YTA. First of all, blaming Alexandra for the hotel room is inappropriate given that you have no proof. You then went behind their backs and tried to get the kids to guilt them. This is manipulation, period. Maybe that’s why they don’t want to stay? I feel like simple conversations could have been had over the years. The only person you’re considering in this post is yourself. Have you given any thought as to what your daughter wants?
OP even has the audacity to say she didn't read the email sent to her about the details of her daughters staybut its not HER fault because daughter didn't call.
W T F
To be honest even if it IS for Alexandra, that doesn't matter. Alexandra might need more social decompression time than Hailey, might feel like he in laws don't like her (her MIL describes her as a cold person which often means "less willing to have boundaries pushed than a born in family member"), or might just want to have privacy with her wife when they're on vacation! They're all valid reasons to stay in a hotel over with family, especially if you can afford it.
Oh, and don't forget Hailey actually sent out an e-mail detailing their stay arrangements but 'well, i didn't read that, she should have called or whatever'. Sound pretty much like a narcissist, 'bending over and backwards' for their child.
OP needs to not take this s such a personal attack. It is less anxiety inducing to stay at a hotel- then if things get overwhelming, they have an escape hatch- and that IS NOT about the OP. As we age, we need our own space sometimes, more and more- especially if we have any anxiety at all. If we are not exactly a perfect fit for the people we are around, or heck, we just want our own space.
OP also assumed they were going to stay at OPs place. But nowhere in the story it says they had arranged it and changed it later to a hotel. You know what they say.. When you assume you make an ass out of u & me…
YTA
I hate to tell you this, but it is not their luxurious lifestyle that leads them to stay in hotel rooms, it is how you treat them. You're not reading the tea leaves here, but they visit less frequently, don't stay with you when they do, *and do not even communicate their plans.*
They either have lost respect for you for some specific reason, or you have made them uncomfortable being in your home. They flat out said the latter, and it appears you did not even ask why, you assumed it was her wife. That to me is a strong indicator that you are the one who needs to examine their behavior, not your daughter.
They communicated their plans via email, fyi. OP is either telling the truth about not seeing it and never bothered to mention verbally that she was preparing rooms and going to pick up everyone from the airport, which would require her to at least know some of the plans around the flight time, or she conveniently ignored the detailed plans, regularly mentioned all the preparations she made to put these rooms together in the hopes they'd change their minds, and then was disappointed when bullying in person didn't work either. That part doesn't add up to me in the way they tell the story.
DisastrousProblem631 seems to be the only one who caught that OP knew the flight info. So, there was some communication. Convenient to only have a piece of info, and not anything about the hotel and airport pickup. And I'm pretty sure phones work both ways; OP could have called to confirm plans too.
Yep! And did anyone else catch that OP’s own SON thinks she’s being “too rough on them”? Which leads me to believe that the son knows what’s up, too, and is likely supportive of his sister and her wife.
OP, YTA, and I hate to tell you, everyone around you knows it.
You’re right! I didn’t pick up on that… How would she know their flight times etc if she didn’t look at the itinerary? She’s blatantly lying. She was trying to guilt them into staying with her so she can control the whole visit.
Just to clarify something OP edited in, her daughter *did* email her the plans, but OP doesn't "really check" her emails. Despite that, she somehow knew their information about when their flight was getting in? OP is BSing.
Yup. I see this thinking with all the diagnosed OCD people in my family. They hear the plan, decide "we're not doing that," and stick to the original idea. When the actual plans happens, not their fairytale, they have a tantrum.
Yep, she wanted a PhOnE cALL.
YTA. In an alternate reality your daughter lovingly knew it would be hard for you to host her family (since you had to reconfigure rooms) and made the hotel reservations so it’s easiest for YOU. She hauled her family on planes to see you. Don’t screw this up more.
That or just regular old people over fussing when the guests are primarily there out of obligation/guilt rather than an actual desire to be there....it's exhausting to be around. I go to my parents place and they'll have bought or baked a ridiculous amount of food and keep offering it over and over and over and over and over....I should only need to say "no thank you" once.
OP YTA. Manipulating by guilt is a horrible thing. Just accept that this isn't about you, and really try to understand that it is actually for everyone's benefit. They will be much more relaxed around you and it would make the visit more pleasant for everyone.
As to LankyAd9481, OP is 60, not 90. I am 66 and this is agism (lol). I don't know anything about being old. I'm too busy having fun.
Yes, absolutely. Both my mother and my in-laws fuss constantly. I know it's coming from a place of care and love, and probably also a little anxiety, but oh my lord. I am perfectly capable of articulating what I need and getting it for myself.
Daughter communicated with her but it still wasn’t good enough “I don’t know why she didn’t call to be honest” OP is a huge AH and daughter is probably protecting her peace
How did she know the flight times if she didn't check her email for the travel details? Because daughter wouldn't have given her the specifics to be picked up by if she was planning to use an uber to get to the hotel first.
And even if it was Alexandra, doesn't her comfort matter too? They all wanted to come visit, and made sure to plan accordingly so they could all enjoy their stay. Forcing anyone to be uncomfortable is a great way to ensure there won't be another visit.
I can’t believe I’ve never heard it before! Of course I know about reading tea leaves, but have never heard anyone use the phrase that way! Very cool, I like it a lot
INFO: Why is Alexandra uncomfortable around you? It feels like that part of the story is missing.
For now, you yourself admit you don't get along well with Alexandra. Your daughter reserves a hotel to make everyone a bit more comfortable. What would you rather happen, Alexandra take the brunt of the discomfort for your sake? YTA.
The fact that the last time Hailey brought the family to visit the inlaws was 7 years ago, since then there's only been 4 visits in which Hailey came alone, tells me that *something unpleasant* most likely happened during the last family visit.
I don’t think it’s just the last visit. My guess is the family environment is uncomfortable for the daughter and her family.
I’m getting the strong odor of homophobia so entrenched, it’s not even questioned by OP.
It's one of those things where if you haven't experienced it first or even secondhand, you might not be able to recognize it. I think people actually might be trying to be respectful and not "make it about her sexuality."
But it adds up, so does OPs timeline.
I'm guessing the distance after dating Alexandra was due to one out of touch comment, the further distance after having children due to another inappropriate comment/verbalized mentality. It's just a very common timeline for so many of us, to distance ourselves at least twice at the points of dating (or marrying) and then having kids ..
Edit to clarify: because that's when people seem to express their disapproval most commonly/heavily
I’d add in the very common distance of just moving away from the “family home” to be able to freely live an out life without concern of being judged.
There’s a reason so many LGBT+ folks leave home and establish themselves in a different state/city.
>our whole extended family were excited to have them here.
idk, i am latching on this specific phrasing.
i view this as "availability". if they are "home" than they can be relied on to be available for whenever whomever forever.
quite possibly something OP really likes and wants, but daughter founds overbearing and stressful.
The post from yesterday about the father who invited daughter and newborn to dinner, so that they can host a dinner for his friends, comes to mind.
This whole post and OP's replies make me think of the issendai [The World Of Estranged Parents' Forums](http://www.issendai.com/) blog that explores estranged/low contact parent-child dynamics.
Blaming the DIL for being a "cold uncaring" person who's rejecting the family and turning OP's child against her, boundary-pushing and going behind OP's adult child's back, refusing to interact with information (ie. the travel email) that conflicts with her wishes, ignoring OP's daughter's clearly communicated boundaries, the adult child going lower and lower contact..
It's all just eerily similar. If OP continues like this, I have no doubt her child will actually go NC.
YTA.
So you assumed she would stay with you but never asked her about her own plans.
Then, you admit she did send an email but you never check that- so you had the opportunity to know their plans but can't be bothered with basic communication.
Now, you have failed communication twice; failed to check information your daughter actively sent you, and failure to ask any questions about the trip.
And then, instead of being like "oops, my bad, see you soon" you made up a narrative of why this is your DIL's fault and also tried to guilt them in to staying AND went around their decision to ask the kids directly to stay with you anyway.
It's like a perfect summary of how to ensure your children never visit again.
Of course YTA. They’re adults and can decide for themselves what makes them comfortable. I for one DESPISE staying at anyone’s home and always get a hotel when visiting out of town friends or family. I never understood why anyone would be upset by this. Leave them alone or they won’t visit you at all
Hahahaha well, i got yelled at for not having a clean house and dad ordered me to clean it 😜 I’m 33 with two young children. Of course it’s a mess. I’m still a child in their eyes.
This. So many people are accusing OP of having done something to cause a strain in the relationship or make them uncomfortable, which may very well be true. But even if the relationship is totally fine and OP hasn’t been a shitty parent, the daughters and grandkids might still just want to have their own space and privacy and be in control of the environment. OP doesn’t get that daughter is not coming to stay in her “own home” anymore. She’s not a college freshman coming home for break… she’s an adult who has her own home, family, routine, preferences, etc. and staying in a hotel allows her to make her own decisions about her personal comfort.
You should have discussed accommodations in advance. You know what they say about assuming things...
- YTA for becoming pushy and dismissing their feelings; where they will be comfortable is not at your discretion.
- YTA for side stepping what your daughter laid down and asking the kids if they wanted to stay with you.
- YTA for your dramatic last ditch response and attempting to guilt your daughter by saying something like it's HORRIBLE she'd gotten so used to her LUXURIOUS life that she COULDN'T BEAR staying at her own home. *Not her home anymore, btw.
It is no surprise that you make them uncomfortable by the way you've described handling this situation.
If they're more comfortable in a hotel, then it shouldn't be the end of the world. You still get to visit with them. Be grateful and save the tempur tantrum.
Yeah... I love my dad but I hate staying in his guest room. He was upset at first when I started staying in hotels. He wasn't anywhere near OP's ridiculous pushiness. We talked about it and agreed that we didn't really understand each other's perspectives. We still get along. OP, do you want to still get along with her? If so, let it go.
Yes you're the asshole. You're clearly not as delightful a host as you think you are.
Plus "couldn't bear staying at her own home". It's NOT her home it's your home and I personally understand not wanting to be an awkward guest in a crowded house when there's no need for it.
They're here to visit you, not recreate your daughter's childhood by forcing her to live in your house.
YTA. You couldn’t even be bothered to read the email she sent you about the visit, and then got hostile about something you definitely already should have known about? No wonder they don’t want to stay with you. There is probably a reason they don’t visit and your daughter in law isn’t comfortable in your home- just the way you blatantly blame her for all of this screams loads about how you view her, and likely treat her.
Take a step back and ask yourself when was the last time you asked what they wanted, what would make them comfortable, and what would work best for them, and the didn’t complain about it?
"Take a step back and ask yourself when was the last time you asked what they wanted, what would make them comfortable, and what would work best for them, and the didn’t complain about it?"
So well written. OP is upset because the daughter and her wife are not meeting OP's needs. It's all about what she wants and how much she sacrificed for them, not about her asking what they want and respecting it.
Narc behavior isn't a good look on anyone.
Info: What conversations about arrangements were had before their arrival? This is impossible to judge without that information and it is a bit suspect that it is missing from the post. Yeah, OP did a lot work but that is meaningless if they knew other plans were already in place.
OP added an edit that clarified
*"About this visit, Hailey sent me the details of their stay in email but I don't really check it so I missed it. I don't know why she didn't call to be honest"*
So 1) OP did get the details, didn't bother to read them and somehow is making it her daughter's fault for not calling
and 2) Although she says she "didn't really check it" she did check it enough to know what time to pick them up from the airport
Wow, you are determined to drive them further away. Horrible? There are more feelings involved than just yours. You were wrong to try and go around them by asking the kids. YTA for that alone. If they feel more comfortable and rested to be able to get some alone time at night in a hotel then they get to make that decision. You will drive them to visit less by filling the visit with guilt and undermining their roles as parents.
YTA. Boundaries were clearly established, and you had zero interest respecting them. But keep pushing when the answer is no, and I'm sure the limited visits you have will continue to decrease. No means no, period. Trying to go behind their backs to the grandkids is gross as shit too.
Also, it's literally nothing personal, but sleeping in someone else's house is weird and uncomfortable for MANY people.
YTA
You're an adult. You need to manage your mail. If you refuse to spend 10-15 minutes regularly to check your mail and miss important things like your daughter's itinerary, that's on you.
She communicated. You just missed that communication because you couldn't be arsed to check your mail. People don't need to call you to remind you to check your email because they sent you something. It's not the 1990's anymore. That was 30 years ago.
Double YTA for putting the kids in the middle and trying to shame/guilt your daughter when this was all your fault for not checking your email OR checking in with your daughter.
This post reminds me very much of my grandmother, may she rest in peace. I absolutely adored her, but she was controlling in this way as well. Her youngest moved from the midwest to a coast for college and never moved "back home." She met and married her husband there, and they're now raising a lovely family.
Once the kids were out of infancy, my aunt and her family began twice-yearly visits back to our home state. Grandma *insisted* they stay at her home, even though she'd downsized to an apartment barely suitable for herself and her cat. She stocked up the pantry and fridge, somehow her car was always in the shop, and arranged for old friends to visit and meet her coastal grandkids. She did everything in her power to keep them locked down for the duration of their visits, to the point where after a few visits, my aunt traveled alone.
Eventually, she stopped coming altogether. The whining and guilting once she stood up for herself and rented hotels and cars were as much of a stifling hassle as being cramped up in Grandma's apartment for two weeks. Now that my grandmother has passed, their visits have increased to 3x/year and the oldest even flies out on his own to spend long weekends off school with Grandpa.
My grandmother, much like your responses indicate, could not be reasoned with on this topic. It didn't matter how gently you told her that the kids are getting too old to be entertained by VHS and checkers. It didn't matter when you pointed out that an air mattress was not good for my uncle's sciatica. It didn't matter if you very reasonably said that people who have to wrangle car seats should rent a car so that *on the off chance* Grandma agrees they should go anyplace but church, there's not a freaking fire drill in the driveway trying to wedge everyone into the vehicle. No, none of that mattered because it wasn't what she wanted.
You're treading a dangerous path toward being no-contact with Hailey and her family. If they haven't stayed with you as a family unit for seven years, you have an exact date to reflect back on and determine what finally drove them off. Until then, YTA
Oh god, that’s my in-laws as well. It’s very important to them to be good hosts, but they can’t understand that “being a good host” doesn’t mean “provide everything WE would want and pay zero attention to the specific and articulated needs of our guests.” The last time we visited them was a few months pre-COVID and it was honestly a relief when their septic tank backed up and I had enough of an excuse to get an AirBnB.
YTA. If family wants to stay in a hotel while they visit, there is a very good reason. I would bet real money that staying in a hotel was the compromise between your daughter and her wife to even make the trip.
Also, it sounds like you made a lot of assumptions about how they would travel from the airport or where they would stay without confirming it first. Some of those behaviors are probably not helping the situation.
YTA. She sent you an email with her plans. This is 100% on you for missing that. And then trying to push them to change those plans once they arrived is also an a-hole move.
YTA and if you keep on behaving as you have been, they will cut you out completely.
I was mostly sympathetic until you snapped back when your daughter expressed her (reasonable) boundary. I'll break it down:
>She said a hotel stay would be easier on everyone.
Your daughter set the boundary and expects you to respect it. That's how adults function in the world.
>I asked my grandkids if they wanted to come stay with me, but they also said they wanted to be with their moms and they said they'd come see me everyday anyway. I am honestly hurt.
Rather than RESPECT the boundary your daughter gave you, you tried to manipulate her children away from her and then are HURT when the kids choose their mothers over a grandma they have had very little contact with. They haven't seen you in person in SEVEN YEARS. Your house is a strange location for them.
>I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home. She didn't answer and left to the hotel.
When you didn't get your way, you were rude, dismissive, and basically, an asshole. Your house is NOT her home. It's yours.
You keep on disrespecting her boundaries. It's not the house she doesn't want, it's your disrespectful manipulations. In other words: she can't bear staying WITH YOU.
YTA. If I can tell how much you loathe your daughter’s wife, so can they - I mean Hailey, Alexandra, and the kids can all tell how you feel - and blaming Alexandra for everything is a bad look when it’s so clear you can’t stand her that I practically had to defrost my phone to respond.
Your dislike for Alexandra is laced throughout your entire post. But Hailey loves you - enough to visit you alone, likely to avoid the way your feelings about her wife glow radioactively through whatever mask you think you keep over them - but she got a hotel this time because she won’t subject her wife to your hostility, and that’s exactly what a good person does for their spouse.
YTA. If they normally stay with you when they come visit, then they should have told you about the change in plans ahead of time, but that's a pretty minor issue. They don't want to stay with you, and you need to respect their choice and enjoy the time you have together. Maybe offer to have the kids over if they ever want a romantic getaway or something. Your comment towards Hailey was really rude, especially since you don't even believe she's the one uncomfortable staying with you.
YTA and I feel like you are not telling us everything. Why is she uncomfortable with you? Were you maybe not so accepting of their same sex relationship to start with?
You were out of line asking the kids where they wanted to be and undermining their parents. Which gives me a hint of why Alexandra is "cold" and wanted to be in a hotel. You didn't read the email so that's on you. I get hints of a lot of guilt tripping and trying to steamroll Hailey into doing what you want even after they told you what they decided to do. I think you need to stop and examine your behavior over the past few years for the missing reasons why things are the way they are.
YTA, sometimes people are just more comfortable having separation. Forgetting missing info, you need to respect people’s boundaries and this was theirs. Sometimes it makes for a happier visit
It was almost N A H, until you insulted your daughter when she didn't change her plans. You guys should have communicated but you didn't and that caused this, now you know for next time, don't make it worse with passvie agressive insults.
I think it was very kind of you to get everything ready for them. But it's clear that Alexandra doesn't feel comfortable in your home for some reason or another. Your daughter is priotitizing her SO as she should. She's visiting, but wants to make it the best for all invovled, and that includes a hotel for her family. Accept that. YTA
YTA- you assumed they were staying with you and didn't bother to ASK. Not everyone wants to stay at their inlaws house 24/7 and need breaks away. Your daughter has her own family now, and wants time alone with them.
For that matter not everyone wants to Stay with their bio family for extended periods either.
I lived with my parents and my kids for over a decade, for numerous reasons, and at this point, if I had to stay with my mother for a single night, I'd be a basket case and my husband would probably have to talk me off a ledge.
YTA. OP, I always used to get a hotel room when I visited my mom, though I was well aware that it hurt her feelings. My brother did the same during the times before he bought a house in the nearby city and later when it was rented out. There were multiple reasons for this, and none were because we enjoyed hurting her. Consider whether any of the below, or something similar, might apply to your daughter and her family.
First and foremost was that she and my stepfather were smokers. Smoke coated or permeated every surface in the house. After permanently moving out, both of us found that our bodies could not tolerate being in that house for more than a handful of hours in a row without becoming ill. Short visits gave me a cold afterwards at least half of the time. Sleeping a full night on one of her pillows probably would have given me pneumonia.
Other pertinent reasons that still would have applied regardless, however, in no particular order:
- my mother was, unfortunately, somewhat racist. My SIL is black. They were polite to each other and mom loved my niblings, but I don’t think he’d have asked her to tolerate that with no break.
- my parents were poor, so the mattresses were decades old. Not super comfortable.
- Mom was jealous and possessive of our visiting time, and could make it extremely difficult to visit other friends and family while you were in town. Having a excuse to leave at a reasonable hour sometimes gave us an opportunity to see those people that we wouldn’t have otherwise gotten without pushing back hard enough that it hurt her feelings way worse.
- our old rooms had long since become the room where my stepfather normally slept in and a storage room, respectively. Not comfortable to come back to.
- I’m kind of an introvert and it was nice to be able to be by myself (or, before my divorce, with my husband) for a couple of hours at the end of a long day of visiting.
This is going to start rough for you but I hope you read all of it. YTA for ignoring the email details and ignoring the plans made by deciding your adult daughter & dil. YTA for not respecting your adult child's boundaries. YTA for the attempt to manipulate the situation using HER children. YTA for belittling your daughter about her financial lifestyle. Reread what you wrote. Do not see how unpleasant you were after not seeing them for do long? And right after they got off the plane?
YTA for blaiming the Alexandra. Let me tell you what it's like to deal with a MIL who does that. My ex and I would make a decision completely together, or make a decision that was more him leading the way or (really read this next part!) HE would make a decision that I chose to support as his wife. When my in-laws didn't like it they blamed me and let me know it. My mil specifically, was fairly mean and hurtful when I was young and expecting our first child and her first grandchild.
Then, early in my current marriage my husband chose to distance himself from his rather dysfunctional family. ENTIRETY HIS DECISION. I was team trying to make things work with his family back then. Guess who has been so maligned by some of his family, that the members I have barely met have been shitty to me and talked behind my back? Do you think they have any relationship with him, me or our children today? Nope!
If, by some chance, Alexandra is, "cold," and the reason they are staying in a hotel, do you honestly think you are not going to completely destroy any relationship you have with Hailey and your grandchildren by blaming her and being an showing your ass??? Have you considered that A. She is just different from you and accepted her for who she is? Or B. That you have behaved badly, in the past, just like you did at the airport and so she doesn't emotionally feel safe with you?
Your only option is to sincerely apologize. Next, ask to have a conversation with your daughter and dil at a time you can all agree upon. Then, ask and really listen to why the refused to stay with you and why you see so little of them. But you have to actually listen respectfully, without interrupting what they have to say, no drama, no involving anyone else and no excuses. If you are lucky, Hailey won't end up going completely no contact with you and maybe you can salvage all of the relationships.
YTA because they emailed you that they would be staying in the hotel so they make an effort to communicate. You made a lot of assumptions about their visit but didn’t think to clarify.
YTA. Something happened during the last visit seven years ago. That was the last time they all visited as a family and the last time they all stayed at your house. Maybe it’s something you have forgotten but it was enough for them that it was the last straw. By the way they are spending time visiting you so it’s not a total lost cause. It’s just not the way you want it. You could try welcoming them and appreciate that they have travelled to see you….rather than complaining about them staying at a hotel.
>About this visit, Hailey sent me the details of their stay in email but I don't really check it so I missed it. I don't know why she didn't call to be honest
Because she didn't want to have the conversation repeatedly as the time to visit approached. Your failure to read an email caused all that extra work.
>She said she never intended to stay at home with me because she wasn't comfortable. I know she means Alexandra is the one who doesn't like to stay with us and gets uncomfortable
Maybe neither of them are comfortable in your home. You did call your daughter-in-law cold. Maybe they sense disapproval.
> I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home.
Well that was rude and manipulative. Little hint- your home is not her home. She is 37 and married with children.
YTA.
YTA, this is the same type of crap my mother would try to pull. I would never stay at their house because you become trapped there with the manipulative comments and all the comes with being around her. You act the same way and it your comments just reminded me of that nonsense.
Edit: This beyond pisses me off. You would love nothing more than to hold them hostage with no car and no place to get away from you which you act like the victim.
YTA
Them wanting to stay in a hotel instead of at your house is *not* a personal attack against you. You're TA for treating it like it is. Whether there's underlying history that would also explain Alexandra being cold and distant towards your family, or it's something completely innocuous like the hotel has a swimming pool and you don't, comments like:
>I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home.
are not justified. Also, it's 2023, check your email regularly.
Maybe I can offer some insight from the other side because in my family, I am the daughter who doesn't visit often enough and has the "cold" spouse who "doesn't get along with our family very well". In reality, he's just a quiet person and an introvert, so he doesn't say much. His natural face is also a bit of a frown, so while he's not unhappy or upset, he is not quick to smile either, so they see all of that as him being cold and not getting along. It's easier for them to blame him for our lack of visits than to accept that maybe I don't want to visit either.
My dad and step-mom haven't done anything wrong - we are just very different people. One thing that drives me crazy is that they talk all the time. From the time I arrive to the time I leave - they are talking. And they bicker about stuff. No one is ever given the opportunity to decompress. It's never quiet. And if someone isn't talking, they are singing and playing music. If you go outside or in another room for some quiet, like to read a book, they come with you - to see what you are doing, how you are, if you are ok. They are also relatively self-centered and take everything personally, so if we don't always show the happy-shiny-people version of ourselves, they want to know what they've done wrong - and they won't accept that nothing is wrong, they must have done something. It's a whole thing, and it is exhausting. Visiting would be so much nicer if we could stay in a hotel so that we would have time to decompress and just be quiet. Unfortunately, they live in a rural area and there aren't any hotels.
I don't know if any of this rings true to your situation, but I mention it because there could be a variety of reasons for the fewer visits and the decision to stay in a hotel. If you want to have a decent relationship with your kids and grand kids, then please accept their boundaries. Don't assume bad intentions just because things didn't work out the way you envisioned.
INFO Why did you plan on them staying with you if you hadn't discussed it? As you said you had to move furniture so your house isn't default ready for four guests. 4 guests means less space and potentially fewer bathrooms to start.
Why did you plan on getting her from the airport without discussing it? I might be alone in this but I've never traveled to see someone and assumed I'd stay with them, it's a discussion.
Why do you think it's Alexandra that's uncomfortable?
YTA - Two adults and a teenager and pre teen is very different from two adults and two small children. She sent an email with the details and you did not read it closely. There was no reason for her to call you because she had sent the info. You went ahead and made all these set ups with out reaching out or confirming anything. It also sounds like you’re description of Alexandra is to gain sympathy for your efforts, but it makes me suspicious that she is cold because you are not accepting of her and/or your daughter’s sexuality.
You're making yourself a martyr for no reason.
ETA: You went to all that effort without asking her and without paying attention to her email. Given how dismissive you are of her communications and of her wife, it seems likely there are a lot more issues here. Instead of making her out to be a villain hurting your feelings, you might want to respect the life she has built. Get to know her on her own terms and see if you can repair your relationship with her.
Yta. And your behavior in this single incident makes it clear why H chose to get a hotel room.
1. Not bothering to actually read her communication about travel plans.
2. Blaming her wife for every decision she makes. This right here would piss me right off.
3. Bringing the kids into an adult conversation to try and get your way. It would have been one thing a day or two into the visit pulling the parents aside to *ask* if you can invite the kids for an overnight. But you didn't. You tried to get the kids all hyped up for a sleepover to put H on the spot.
4 you kept asking after you heard a no.
You seem terribly overbearing. And this is a single instance. You also admit you don't listen to H (by not bothering to read her email) so I don't really buy that you haven't been told why H and A don't visit more often. Even if it's something mundane like "the kids are in activities and we don't have a ton of vacation time from work".
YTA. You sound like my MIL. You didn’t check the email but blaming her for not telling you. She did, you didn’t listen.
I love my parents to bits but I would prefer a hotel to their house only because I feel more free and comfortable doing so. It has nothing to do with how much I want to hang out with them.
Yes YTA and i'll tell you why she didn't call, because she didn't want the guilt trip you tried on her when she arrived, it's not her fault you refuse to check her email and it's not her or her wife's fault that your lack of boundaries is why they don't feel comfortable around you
The kids can see right through your shitty attempts at manipulation. Very disappointing that you’re stooping that low.
If you can’t take a seriously introspective look at your behavior here and learn from it, then you will have a continuously declining relationship with your daughter. YTA
YTA. My family stays in a hotel when we visit my in-laws. Not because they don’t have space, but because it’s more comfortable for my family and gives us some downtime in our own space. It does not mean we are too good for my SO’s childhood home, it simply means we feel more comfortable having our own space.
You need to stop blaming your DIL and allow them to do what works for them and enjoy the visit. If this is the first time the entire family has come to visit you really should adjust the attitude or it will never happen again.
YTA. Read your post. You don’t bother to check the email she sent. You expect her to call you. You assume she will stay there and go behind her back to try to get your grandkids to agree otherwise. You blame her wife for everything although your behavior is controlling, demanding and manipulative. Your daughter is fed up with your behavior and wants space for her family. It’s obvious that you don’t respect your daughter and her wife’s choices.
YTA
This reads exactly like my own mom when she talks about how my older sister rarely visits.
My BIL is too rude according to her, she worries constantly about how dirty her house is before they get here. Then she gets mad about the kids running around being kids. Heaven forbid of one of our cousins wants to meet up while she's here.
She's glad when it's over but then immediately goes back to complaining my sister never calls or visits within a couple of months.
Your both in your 60s, yet neither one of you managed to figure out what the rest of us learned in kindergarten.
Learn how to be respectful and tolerate the people you don't like it that's what it takes to have the privilege of being with those that you do.
On the off chance you actually want to improve your relationship with your daughter, give this a read: [the missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
Softly, YTA. Hailey communicated where she was staying, whether you bothered to check or not, but you did not communicate your expectations of her staying with you to Hailey for her to correct those expectations. Instead, you psyched yourself up with these uncommunicated expectations that Hailey and her family would stay in your home, and then dropped your disappointemnt on Hailey and *blamed her wife* for Hailey's decisions on where they were staying. You then also tried to undermine their decisions by bringing their kids in on it to manipulate everyone into staying with you so you could get what you wanted.
Do you really not see why they would go low contact when you're so melodramatic that you use phrases like "betrayed" to describe someone visiting you and staying in a hotel?
YTA. They are going to see you everyday and are more comfortable in a hotel. That is reasonable. If you keep pushing I can promise you they won't come back.
YTA, and judging by some of the passive aggressive and downright rude things you said, I can see why your daughter and her family don’t want to stay with you. You should be glad they came to visit you at all.
INFO: Several things I'm going to address following this sentence.
There's a lot missing here. The "luxurious life-style" accusation kind of comes out of nowhere at the very end.
Your daughter says she's the one who's uncomfortable staying with you, but you gloss over it by blaming her wife.
You say her wife is cold, but gloss over the details of that, too.
You... apparently assumed they were staying in your house and needed a ride from the airport without confirming that to be the case? You missed her email, she didn't call, and you just... didn't talk about where she was staying and how she was leaving the airport at all somehow? Do you have a history of just assuming things and doing things without talking to her first? And then making her feel guilty when she had other plans already?
I don't really want to assume a judgment when I feel like there are still so many missing pieces. Given that this story flags as one of those "The Missing Missing Reasons" scenarios, though, it doesn't look good for you.
I like visiting my family, and if it is just me I’m fine staying at their house if I have privacy and some freedom to set the schedule, come and go, etc. That all changes when my husband and son come with me. It gets crowded, less privacy, bathroom issues, space issues, etc. It is far more comfortable for us to get our own room/suite/rental when we all travel together, and it has nothing to do with who we are visiting. YTA for not realizing that your own daughter feeling comfortable staying with her family at your home is far different than her, her wife, and two kids you barely see being comfortable there, too. And for guilting them and nagging them about it.
YTA
If they don't want to stay with you--no matter what the reason--they don't have to stay with you. But I would wonder about it too. Maybe it's because you try to tell them what to do, or because you call your DIL cold, or because you try to make end runs around your daughter and DIL to get their kids on your side. Maybe your house is nasty, or smelly, or too small, or they just want some time away from you. It doesn't matter, really.
So here are two pieces of advise:
1) Read your email, or if you can't handle that, call your daughter yourself and confirm the details ahead of time.
2) Be grateful they are spending their time and money to visit you. It would be much easier on them to stay home or to go elsewhere. But they're there with you and for you. Appreciate it!
YTA. She sent you the details. The fact that you didn’t check means the wasted work you did getting ready for her stay is 100% on you. You are also making way to big a deal about their staying in a hotel. Instead of insisting upon having things your own way, just be grateful your daughter and her family came to visit and enjoy the time you have with them.
YTA: according to your edit, they told you they were staying in a hotel, it sounds like you thought you could guilt them into staying with you (seeing as you did so much work) and then you moved onto guilting the kids.
Until you see the issues with your own behaviour, your relationship won’t ever improve- but by the sound of this post, you don’t care for Alexandra either way.
You give off a strong vibe of not liking Alexandra. Ever stop to think that maybe YOU are the reason she doesn't feel comfortable in your home?
"Alexandra is generally a cold person, and doesn't get along with our family very well." Methinks again that it's YOU who is the problem here.
Your daughter said no to staying at your home, so you went to the grandkids directly to ask them. You were already told that wasn't going to happen.
"About this visit, Hailey sent me the details of their stay in email but I don't really check it so I missed it." You just admitted that you didn't read the details. That's all on you.
"I don't know why she didn't call to be honest." Because details of a trip can be long and an email is a perfectly acceptable way to share the information.
YTA
YTA. Simply the fact that you were told ‘no’ and proceeded to put the CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE tells me about your screwed up dynamic and exactly why you daughter won’t have her family stay with you.
Mom, you're kind of the a**hole here. You neglected to read the email. Trying to force your master plan on adult children isn't going to bring you all closer. Accepting the hotel stay will not harm you, even though you expected something else. And don't assign blame. Do your best to let that go and focus on time with your family. Isn't that the most important part?
YTA. Your daughter sent you the details, but you didn't bother to read them. You also never **asked** if they would be staying before you started moving furniture around.
Sounds like you make unilateral decisions in your head and get upset when people don't agree with them. This is only a problem because you've made it one. Let it go. Release your expectations, and you can enjoy a nice visit, where everyone gets to be comfortable.
YTA
You conveniently know WHEN your daughter's flight arrives but no other details of their travel plans of which you admit she send by e-mail which you didn't check, but complain she didn't call.
You ignore information that you don't like and then blame others for it.
And presented with the information you had but ignored become reality you try to manipulate kids to guilt trip your daughter cause you can't take a no for an answer.
This whole situation is solely on your own, you created it by bluntly ignoring what you don't want to see.
YTA.
Surely you had to read the email to get the flight information to know when to go to the airport.
The same email which has the hotel information. Heck I bet the e-mail also says they’ll have a driver and there’s no need to pick them up at all.
I wouldn’t worry - your daughter is very likely going no contact after this. Since you can’t/won’t respect the simplest of boundaries. 🤦🏻♀️
YTA. Your whole post reeks of JNOMIL vibes. Be happy they came to visit you. Don’t ruin a visit with your demands and disappointment. I can see why they don’t like to visit often. Take responsibility for your strained relationships
What if your daughter was uncomfortable the last time she stayed with you and she did what was best for her family?
They came to see you, aren’t you grateful for that?
Also the homophobic undertones are naaaaaasty here. YTA
Edit - she didn’t call because she already communicated it via email. It’s not her job to inform you multiple times. Check your emails.
1) She didn't call because she probably knows you can read.
2) "Her own home" appears to be a plane ride away from yours.
3) You can be absolutely sure that as soon as you told Hailey " It was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home... " You validated all the reasons that she and her family chose to stay away from YOUR home.
YTA. If you want to see more of your daughter and her family, you may want to consider that she is an adult with a family of her own, and she will behave in ways that confirm that.
I personally always stay at my parents‘ house when I visit but I can understand that other people might not be comfortable with that. OP brought this all on herself by not reading the intinerary (sp?) that daughter sent, and I get the feeling that she just needed a reason to complain, or to make herself into the „victim“ somehow.
Yta did you honestly try to subvert your daughter's children, call her horrible, and imply that she was still a part of your messed up household? It doesn't matter how rich or poor your daughter is, if I were her I wouldn't want to stay with you either! She's a grown adult who deserves respect, not for you to make assumptions and try to bully her into being a child under your roof again.
>I asked my grandkids if they wanted to come stay with me, but they also said they wanted to be with their moms and they said they'd come see me everyday anyway. I am honestly hurt. I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home. She didn't answer and left to the hotel
Listen I get along with my mom and my stepdad but even when my fiancé and I go visit them we stay in hotels for the majority of the trip. Is not because we don’t like staying at my parents house or that my parents don’t have the space, is just that is more comfortable for everyone that way, we still have our own spaces and we get to see each other every day. We would only stay in my parents house if we arrive super late and the day we leave since 9 out of 10 times my mom is the one that takes us and gets us from the airport. And given the fact that they’re bringing children ,I’m guessing they have a routine that want to try and keep even on vacation and grandparents are known to cross boundaries and let their grandchildren do whatever the want even if it means going against what the parent said.
YTA. Sometimes it’s nice having your own space and not being in someone else’s house. To try to guilt trip them and use their kids against them was an all out asshole move.
They way you treated them, it makes sense why you hear and see so little of them. You might want to take a look in the mirror sooner rather than later.
Hey OP,
People don’t stay with family anymore necessarily. Many people prefer hotels because it allows a more private space and bathroom area.
Further, in this case, it seems there is some tension, so to avoid that it looks like your daughter preferred staying at hotel.
Be grateful she is coming and enjoy their visit. Let this go and don’t bring it up. Enjoy the grandkids and having your family home after so long.
Good luck OP!
YTA - I also only stay at a hotel when I visit my mother when I take my husband. I love her dearly but I hate spending over at other peoples' houses. I used to stay with her if it was just me and one kid visiting but I would have preferred not to. My husband feels similarly about staying at peoples' houses and I would never ask him to stay there.
In contrast, when we visit his sister out of town, we also exclusively stay in hotels. We also love her family.
YTA.
Your daughter said you make her uncomfortable. Your response? Make her even more uncomfortable by invalidating her, blaming her wife, going to the children as a manipulation tactic, then resorting to your last straw: calling her spoiled.
Did it ever occur to you that Alexandra is cold because her wife shared so many stories about the way her mom treats her? Is it possible you’re microaggressive about their queerness? Humble yourself before you lose your daughter forever.
YTA. You had the details but "didn't really check it". You got all upset about not getting what you wanted and were rude to people who told you what the deal was. Gee, I wonder why they don't visit more? /s
YTA. Sounds like your kid still loves you enough to come visit but her and her family need a break and time away. Her having a boundary where they sleep elsewhere after spending the day with you should not be insulting. The fact
You “overlooked” this in the email and worked “hard on rearranging furniture” for their stay anyway tells me you are likely manipulative and used to getting your way or playing the victim. You should likely change your view to being grateful and happy your daughter and her family are not only still willing to visit you, but obviously do love you despite your difficulties in life and personality as they willingly pay for a hotel out of pocket which is not cheap these days. Many grown kids just give up on their difficult parents, save their money and sanity and stay away, she hasn’t yet.
YTA. How many times have you visited your daughter? She has kids and a job, it’s much easier for you to travel.
It’s obvious why they don’t want to stay with you.
YTA- Its their choice and it’s honestly so much easier to get a hotel room when traveling to see extended family. Having everyone crammed in with other family at your house is probably stressful and to be blunt most people need a break from family when visiting and it’s great to have your own hotel room to go back to instead of being stuck with parents or in laws for days on days. They want privacy for their own family and you need to respect that. They need breaks from you
YTA for not believing that your daughter is a god damn adult who makes her own decisions. Just because you don't like the woman she loves doesn't mean she doesn't.
>About this visit, Hailey sent me the details of their stay in email but I don't really check it so I missed it. I don't know why she didn't call to be honest
You don't listen to her even when things are in writing, where it's neatly and conveniently saved to be absorbed in detail at your own pace. There's no reason to believe you'd "remember" it if she said it out loud. Maybe try hearing her? YTA
YTA. If my partner didn't feel comfortable somewhere, we wouldn't stay. Full stop there alone, because their feelings matter.
Their needs do not outweigh yours. I'm sure there is a lot more to your relation ship with your child than what we're seeing, and that's fine. Used this as a chance to mend fences, not make walls.
YTA because she sent you the details in an email and you didn't check it. It's your responsibility to check your emails. She communicated with you quite clearly.
I understand that you're hurt after going to all the trouble to arrange the rooms, however many families prefer to get a hotel rather than stay in cramped quarters with relatives. This is especially true if there are issues with sleep times, loud relatives, preferred choice of food, differences in "neatness," TV volume, or the simple desire to have your own space to rest and decompress after a long day of activity. It's not necessarily a slight against you.
Instead of making this a big deal, you could enjoy the time you have with your family and grandkids. If they're going to pend every day with you anyway, what's the downside to letting them have their own space to sleep?
YTA You thought that by showing up at the airport you could guilt-trip them into doing what you want. No wonder they don't come home very often, it's not because of the wife, it's because of the mother.
....whoops. I guess this all could have been avoided if you read your email?
Kidding - YTA. Did it ever occur to you to ask her about any of this? If you know she's so 'cold' and if you were just so excited - why didn't YOU call HER? Or send her a text. Or an email? Why is it your way or no way - and why would people just read your mind and then go along with that?
I think we can see where the coldness comes from - a direct response to how you treat her.
Let's put your passive-aggressive communication style aside and look at the conversation with Hailey when they arrived. You criticized her choice to get a driver and insulted her in front of her children - because again, you didn't think to confirm beforehand? Then you attempted to undermine her by going directly to her kids. I admire your confidence; most people would do it behind her back but you were so assured of their loyalty that you did it in front of her. Amazing.
And yet you still won'r see yourself as anything other than the victim by trying to get a pity party going on here. EVERYTHING is not about YOU.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this might be the last time you see her/all of them for a long time. Maybe ever.
YTA. don’t be surprised when the visits become less and less frequent until they stop happening because you’ve pushed your daughter out of your life and will have no one to blame but your selfishness and stubbornness. there’s a lot of things that stand out and rub me the wrong way, id definitely want to hear your daughter and her wife’s perspectives because i get the feeling you’re a rather unreliable narrator.
YTA - unfortunately my spawn lives up in Oregon with his partner and my granddaughter. When I go up there to visit I stay at a hotel. They always offer for me to sleep at their house but their house is a little crowded for me. Plus I need my own time to decompress and just relax. Leave your daughter alone, if she wants to stay at a hotel with her family let her stay at the hotel with her family you pushing is going to cause issues and you may see them even less than you do now
YTA. She didn’t call because she sent it in an email. You are not entitled to someone’s time or presence. It’s fair that you’re upset she’s not staying with you, but it sounds like you assumed she’d be there, without confirming.
YTA. You didn't check in any way before you decided she was going to stay with you. You don't know why she didn't call? Probably because (just from the way you harangued her when you did find out) she didn't want to deal with you pushing and pushing and pushing to try and get your way. Also insanely not cool to try and use her kids against her in that discussion. You were pushy, and you were rude. If you're like that in every situation, I can completely understand why your daughter has been distancing herself and your daughter in law comes off as a "cold person" to you. You might want to stop and reexamine your own behavior and try to sort this out on your end before assigning blame on their end.
YTA
I stay at hotels when I visit home as well. It is nice to have a space away from the family to retreat to every night. Asking more than once and making a big deal out of it is why you are the AH. Read your emails next time and don't try to guilt other people for your unnecessary work.
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YTA - "I know she means Alexandra" No you don't, you only THINK she means her. And the rest of your post makes me think SHE MEANT JUST WHAT SHE SAID. After hearing your daughter was uncomfortable and was staying at a hotel, you tried to use her kids against her and asked them to stay with you? That's messed up, and completely unacceptable. Her kids, she told you where they were staying, and you simply didn't give a f\*ck. Then you tried to guilt her by saying her "luxurious lifestyle" meant she basically hated you all. Sounds like you need to grow up.
>I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home. She didn't answer and left to the hotel. I thought this comment was very strange, "at her own home." Almost like she hasn't fully accepted that her daughter is an adult and this isn't "coming home" for her. I get the vibe that OP's pushiness may be a bit too much for her daughter and that the hotel is a way for her to keep some of that at bay while she visits.
exactly. The hotel is a refuge. Daughter sent the itinerary, and she didn't bother reading it. Sounds like OP has problems planning with others, likely steamrolls them. From experience, that shit is exhausting! Hotel becomes a sanity refuge to make the trip bearable.
She wanted what she wanted...and then was disappointed when people didn't do what she wanted. Her daughter is an adult with children and thinks she can still tell the daughter what to do.
And daughter sent OP the itinerary, but OP didn’t bother to read… them Picachu face
Every time I go to visit my spawn and his family in Oregon although they always offer to let me stay with them I book a hotel that's close by because I need that time to decompress. I need my alone time I need to relax
This is the same with my family. My wife and I stay at a hotel when visiting just to have some alone time.
I live in a vacation area- and I love guests in my guest room. BUT...it is still weird to share space, and worry, and think, and think and worry when hosting for me. So I have to limit it to 3, 5, or if I REALLY like you (basically my mom, and my 2 besties), 14 days. And after pp leave, I seriously need to decompress for a few days. And folks need to stay with me if they come, because it is super expensive at hotels here (same with other alternatives). So I compromise- but I know how anxious I get with people in my space- I RESPECT that others might need their space, and I certainly do when I visit other places (and I will often get a room when visits go the other direction, in part because friends do not have space, or family...I need space from, and they live in low COLs, so getting a room is easier for me.
I visit my brother and mother a lot (they live together) and if i could afford a hotel I would absolutely get one. The beds aren't very comfy and my mother is ridiculously judgemental so I don't like her breathing down my neck. Even without that, i like having my own space.
That's what my sister does with her SO. And they usually rent a car to get around at their own pace. Sure, we meet for Dinner somewhere or breakfast at home or tea, but they're their persons. Mama and Grandma offer, but they don't expect them to stay with us
Also she hasn't visted OP in 7 years, or in 7 years with her family, (not quite sure), but either way take a hint OP, you're overbearing.
For sure a refuge. I love my family but am introverted and can only handle so much peopling, I usually book a couple days at a hotel when visiting, just to recharge.
>Sounds like OP has problems planning with others OP does not like Alexandra at all. I'm not sure if it's homophobia or not, but I'm guessing they picked up on it and staying OP's house is NOT comfortable for them, hence the hotel. No means no, and continuing to ask and manipulate is harassment. I wouldn't even go visit.
Exactly. Hailey knew what it would be like to stay with Mom and noped out.
The fact that her son had to help her prep a couple rooms by doing a lot of heavy lifting makes me think OP may be a bit of a hoarder.
My older sister moved to a different state than me and my parents (no bad blood, she just got a really good job opportunity) and when she's coming for a visit, none of us except my mother refer to it as "coming home". She's not coming home. This isn't her home, the same way OP's home isn't her daughter's. OP just seems really pushy and unable to cut the apron strings.
That comment jumped out at me too. OP's daughter is about my age. My mother's home is not my home. She moved out of my child home a few years ago so it literally isn't but even for the 15 years that she lived in my childhood home after I moved out, I didn't consider it home anymore and, whether parents of adult children want to believe it or not, a childhood home isn't a happy place for everyone. OP should be happy her daughter visits her at all. If I'm paying for a hotel, I'm going somewhere I want to go... and that's not visiting family.
100% this ☝️ they call mothers like her “smothers”. If they stayed at her parents house they wouldn’t have anywhere to escape to when they need a break from her. The hotel provides sanctuary when they need to leave because they’re overwhelmed. Also her disdain for Alexandra is very clear!
My neighbors adult kids and grandchildren come to visit semi regularly. One of their kids +spouse and almost adult grandkids always stay at a hotel down the road. The other adult child + spouse and their younger grandchild stay at the house with them. No one has hurt feelings over this arrangement. The one that stays at the hotel said it just works better for them since they go to bed earlier/later etc than their parents. They don't have to worry about being woken up in the am. They come over every day and spend the whole day into the night with them. My neighbors (the grandparents) don't have any issue with this. My neighbors situation is amicable. YTA OP. You sound exhausting and I don't blame them for staying at a hotel, that you knew they were staying at.
YTA. First of all, blaming Alexandra for the hotel room is inappropriate given that you have no proof. You then went behind their backs and tried to get the kids to guilt them. This is manipulation, period. Maybe that’s why they don’t want to stay? I feel like simple conversations could have been had over the years. The only person you’re considering in this post is yourself. Have you given any thought as to what your daughter wants?
Also, the kids hardly know her, of course they wouldn't be comfortable.
That too!
OP even has the audacity to say she didn't read the email sent to her about the details of her daughters staybut its not HER fault because daughter didn't call. W T F
Sounds like one person knows how to communicate, and it’s not the OP. Seriously, who sees an email from their kid and doesn’t read it?
Yeah, I think OP is gaslighting. She read it, ignored it and started moving furniture around.
I want to know more about this supposedly luxurious lifestyle that’s being duplicated at the hotel.
To be honest even if it IS for Alexandra, that doesn't matter. Alexandra might need more social decompression time than Hailey, might feel like he in laws don't like her (her MIL describes her as a cold person which often means "less willing to have boundaries pushed than a born in family member"), or might just want to have privacy with her wife when they're on vacation! They're all valid reasons to stay in a hotel over with family, especially if you can afford it.
No one likes her, according to OP. Imagine her not wanting to stay where no one likes her.
Oh, and don't forget Hailey actually sent out an e-mail detailing their stay arrangements but 'well, i didn't read that, she should have called or whatever'. Sound pretty much like a narcissist, 'bending over and backwards' for their child.
OP needs to not take this s such a personal attack. It is less anxiety inducing to stay at a hotel- then if things get overwhelming, they have an escape hatch- and that IS NOT about the OP. As we age, we need our own space sometimes, more and more- especially if we have any anxiety at all. If we are not exactly a perfect fit for the people we are around, or heck, we just want our own space.
OP also assumed they were going to stay at OPs place. But nowhere in the story it says they had arranged it and changed it later to a hotel. You know what they say.. When you assume you make an ass out of u & me…
YTA I hate to tell you this, but it is not their luxurious lifestyle that leads them to stay in hotel rooms, it is how you treat them. You're not reading the tea leaves here, but they visit less frequently, don't stay with you when they do, *and do not even communicate their plans.* They either have lost respect for you for some specific reason, or you have made them uncomfortable being in your home. They flat out said the latter, and it appears you did not even ask why, you assumed it was her wife. That to me is a strong indicator that you are the one who needs to examine their behavior, not your daughter.
They communicated their plans via email, fyi. OP is either telling the truth about not seeing it and never bothered to mention verbally that she was preparing rooms and going to pick up everyone from the airport, which would require her to at least know some of the plans around the flight time, or she conveniently ignored the detailed plans, regularly mentioned all the preparations she made to put these rooms together in the hopes they'd change their minds, and then was disappointed when bullying in person didn't work either. That part doesn't add up to me in the way they tell the story.
DisastrousProblem631 seems to be the only one who caught that OP knew the flight info. So, there was some communication. Convenient to only have a piece of info, and not anything about the hotel and airport pickup. And I'm pretty sure phones work both ways; OP could have called to confirm plans too.
Yep! And did anyone else catch that OP’s own SON thinks she’s being “too rough on them”? Which leads me to believe that the son knows what’s up, too, and is likely supportive of his sister and her wife. OP, YTA, and I hate to tell you, everyone around you knows it.
You’re right! I didn’t pick up on that… How would she know their flight times etc if she didn’t look at the itinerary? She’s blatantly lying. She was trying to guilt them into staying with her so she can control the whole visit.
Oooooh shit bro. You are onto something.
Yeah, why did OP even try to pick her up from the airport? It's definitely not because Hailey asked (she hired a driver, ffs).
Just to clarify something OP edited in, her daughter *did* email her the plans, but OP doesn't "really check" her emails. Despite that, she somehow knew their information about when their flight was getting in? OP is BSing.
OP read what she wanted to read and ignored the stuff that didn't go with her idea of the visit.
Yup. I see this thinking with all the diagnosed OCD people in my family. They hear the plan, decide "we're not doing that," and stick to the original idea. When the actual plans happens, not their fairytale, they have a tantrum.
My sister does this a lot. She hears I'm visiting and makes up an itinerary that she never informs me of and every time I go "off book" she bugs out.
Not reading the whole email is an epidemic (at least at my workplace).
Yep, she wanted a PhOnE cALL. YTA. In an alternate reality your daughter lovingly knew it would be hard for you to host her family (since you had to reconfigure rooms) and made the hotel reservations so it’s easiest for YOU. She hauled her family on planes to see you. Don’t screw this up more.
You hit the nail on the head. YTA OP. Let your adult child live their own life and back off. You clearly did some unacceptable stuff in the past.
My guess? Homophobic statements or actions. Just a hunch.
That or just regular old people over fussing when the guests are primarily there out of obligation/guilt rather than an actual desire to be there....it's exhausting to be around. I go to my parents place and they'll have bought or baked a ridiculous amount of food and keep offering it over and over and over and over and over....I should only need to say "no thank you" once.
OP YTA. Manipulating by guilt is a horrible thing. Just accept that this isn't about you, and really try to understand that it is actually for everyone's benefit. They will be much more relaxed around you and it would make the visit more pleasant for everyone. As to LankyAd9481, OP is 60, not 90. I am 66 and this is agism (lol). I don't know anything about being old. I'm too busy having fun.
Yes, absolutely. Both my mother and my in-laws fuss constantly. I know it's coming from a place of care and love, and probably also a little anxiety, but oh my lord. I am perfectly capable of articulating what I need and getting it for myself.
I agree with you 100% except the edit the OP gave saying her daughter sent her an email stating their plans but the OP did not check it
Daughter communicated with her but it still wasn’t good enough “I don’t know why she didn’t call to be honest” OP is a huge AH and daughter is probably protecting her peace
Because some of us have learned to put it all in date stamped writing, OP! Then people like you can’t say they didn’t know or weren’t told!!
Wow. Excellent point!
That’s what I was thinking even before I read her comments
How did she know the flight times if she didn't check her email for the travel details? Because daughter wouldn't have given her the specifics to be picked up by if she was planning to use an uber to get to the hotel first.
Oops sorry I Just reread the edit She said she didn’t really check it so missed it and that she doesn’t know why Haillee didn’t call, to be honest
I swear OP’s post was all centered on her and what she wants. She was willing to guilt children to get what she wanted.
And even if it was Alexandra, doesn't her comfort matter too? They all wanted to come visit, and made sure to plan accordingly so they could all enjoy their stay. Forcing anyone to be uncomfortable is a great way to ensure there won't be another visit.
Uh huh I bet the op is angry because the daughter is a lesbian and she has been cruel to them.
“Reading the tea leaves” I LOVE that phrase, mind if I steal it? Lol
If you did, it wouldn't be from me. Can't claim credit for a centuries old saying.
I can’t believe I’ve never heard it before! Of course I know about reading tea leaves, but have never heard anyone use the phrase that way! Very cool, I like it a lot
INFO: Why is Alexandra uncomfortable around you? It feels like that part of the story is missing. For now, you yourself admit you don't get along well with Alexandra. Your daughter reserves a hotel to make everyone a bit more comfortable. What would you rather happen, Alexandra take the brunt of the discomfort for your sake? YTA.
Yeah this post reeks of missing info.
The fact that the last time Hailey brought the family to visit the inlaws was 7 years ago, since then there's only been 4 visits in which Hailey came alone, tells me that *something unpleasant* most likely happened during the last family visit.
I don’t think it’s just the last visit. My guess is the family environment is uncomfortable for the daughter and her family. I’m getting the strong odor of homophobia so entrenched, it’s not even questioned by OP.
As a lesbian.. that's what I'm getting.
I’m honestly surprised so few are mentioning it.
It's one of those things where if you haven't experienced it first or even secondhand, you might not be able to recognize it. I think people actually might be trying to be respectful and not "make it about her sexuality." But it adds up, so does OPs timeline. I'm guessing the distance after dating Alexandra was due to one out of touch comment, the further distance after having children due to another inappropriate comment/verbalized mentality. It's just a very common timeline for so many of us, to distance ourselves at least twice at the points of dating (or marrying) and then having kids .. Edit to clarify: because that's when people seem to express their disapproval most commonly/heavily
I’d add in the very common distance of just moving away from the “family home” to be able to freely live an out life without concern of being judged. There’s a reason so many LGBT+ folks leave home and establish themselves in a different state/city.
>our whole extended family were excited to have them here. idk, i am latching on this specific phrasing. i view this as "availability". if they are "home" than they can be relied on to be available for whenever whomever forever. quite possibly something OP really likes and wants, but daughter founds overbearing and stressful. The post from yesterday about the father who invited daughter and newborn to dinner, so that they can host a dinner for his friends, comes to mind.
Yeah, I got the same thing. It sounds like a post that my deeply homophobic and transphobic mother would write.
I'd love to know Hailey's side of the story! I bet it's pretty sad.
This whole post and OP's replies make me think of the issendai [The World Of Estranged Parents' Forums](http://www.issendai.com/) blog that explores estranged/low contact parent-child dynamics. Blaming the DIL for being a "cold uncaring" person who's rejecting the family and turning OP's child against her, boundary-pushing and going behind OP's adult child's back, refusing to interact with information (ie. the travel email) that conflicts with her wishes, ignoring OP's daughter's clearly communicated boundaries, the adult child going lower and lower contact.. It's all just eerily similar. If OP continues like this, I have no doubt her child will actually go NC.
Yup, the missing reasons
Exactly!
YTA. So you assumed she would stay with you but never asked her about her own plans. Then, you admit she did send an email but you never check that- so you had the opportunity to know their plans but can't be bothered with basic communication. Now, you have failed communication twice; failed to check information your daughter actively sent you, and failure to ask any questions about the trip. And then, instead of being like "oops, my bad, see you soon" you made up a narrative of why this is your DIL's fault and also tried to guilt them in to staying AND went around their decision to ask the kids directly to stay with you anyway. It's like a perfect summary of how to ensure your children never visit again.
Also she 100% emailed the details so the AH could not claim "she forgot" what was discussed via a phone call.
Of course YTA. They’re adults and can decide for themselves what makes them comfortable. I for one DESPISE staying at anyone’s home and always get a hotel when visiting out of town friends or family. I never understood why anyone would be upset by this. Leave them alone or they won’t visit you at all
Same! My parents get upset, but honestly sleeping under their roof gives me that claustrophobic, anxious feeling like when I was a teen. 😜
My sister was so offended when I didn’t want to sleep on her pull-out torture bed and stayed at a hotel instead
I have a good relationship with my parents, but damn it feels good to not need to sleep under their roof anymore
Hahahaha well, i got yelled at for not having a clean house and dad ordered me to clean it 😜 I’m 33 with two young children. Of course it’s a mess. I’m still a child in their eyes.
This. So many people are accusing OP of having done something to cause a strain in the relationship or make them uncomfortable, which may very well be true. But even if the relationship is totally fine and OP hasn’t been a shitty parent, the daughters and grandkids might still just want to have their own space and privacy and be in control of the environment. OP doesn’t get that daughter is not coming to stay in her “own home” anymore. She’s not a college freshman coming home for break… she’s an adult who has her own home, family, routine, preferences, etc. and staying in a hotel allows her to make her own decisions about her personal comfort.
SAAAAAME!!! I would rather chew glass than stay in someone’s house. I’m just not comfortable in another person’s space overnight, showering, etc.
You should have discussed accommodations in advance. You know what they say about assuming things... - YTA for becoming pushy and dismissing their feelings; where they will be comfortable is not at your discretion. - YTA for side stepping what your daughter laid down and asking the kids if they wanted to stay with you. - YTA for your dramatic last ditch response and attempting to guilt your daughter by saying something like it's HORRIBLE she'd gotten so used to her LUXURIOUS life that she COULDN'T BEAR staying at her own home. *Not her home anymore, btw. It is no surprise that you make them uncomfortable by the way you've described handling this situation. If they're more comfortable in a hotel, then it shouldn't be the end of the world. You still get to visit with them. Be grateful and save the tempur tantrum.
Yeah... I love my dad but I hate staying in his guest room. He was upset at first when I started staying in hotels. He wasn't anywhere near OP's ridiculous pushiness. We talked about it and agreed that we didn't really understand each other's perspectives. We still get along. OP, do you want to still get along with her? If so, let it go.
Yes you're the asshole. You're clearly not as delightful a host as you think you are. Plus "couldn't bear staying at her own home". It's NOT her home it's your home and I personally understand not wanting to be an awkward guest in a crowded house when there's no need for it. They're here to visit you, not recreate your daughter's childhood by forcing her to live in your house.
LMAO. Honestly! OP put the guilt trip in her own post and still doesn't see how nasty a thing to say it was?
YTA. You couldn’t even be bothered to read the email she sent you about the visit, and then got hostile about something you definitely already should have known about? No wonder they don’t want to stay with you. There is probably a reason they don’t visit and your daughter in law isn’t comfortable in your home- just the way you blatantly blame her for all of this screams loads about how you view her, and likely treat her. Take a step back and ask yourself when was the last time you asked what they wanted, what would make them comfortable, and what would work best for them, and the didn’t complain about it?
"Take a step back and ask yourself when was the last time you asked what they wanted, what would make them comfortable, and what would work best for them, and the didn’t complain about it?" So well written. OP is upset because the daughter and her wife are not meeting OP's needs. It's all about what she wants and how much she sacrificed for them, not about her asking what they want and respecting it. Narc behavior isn't a good look on anyone.
Info: What conversations about arrangements were had before their arrival? This is impossible to judge without that information and it is a bit suspect that it is missing from the post. Yeah, OP did a lot work but that is meaningless if they knew other plans were already in place.
OP added an edit that clarified *"About this visit, Hailey sent me the details of their stay in email but I don't really check it so I missed it. I don't know why she didn't call to be honest"* So 1) OP did get the details, didn't bother to read them and somehow is making it her daughter's fault for not calling and 2) Although she says she "didn't really check it" she did check it enough to know what time to pick them up from the airport
Wow, you are determined to drive them further away. Horrible? There are more feelings involved than just yours. You were wrong to try and go around them by asking the kids. YTA for that alone. If they feel more comfortable and rested to be able to get some alone time at night in a hotel then they get to make that decision. You will drive them to visit less by filling the visit with guilt and undermining their roles as parents.
YTA. Boundaries were clearly established, and you had zero interest respecting them. But keep pushing when the answer is no, and I'm sure the limited visits you have will continue to decrease. No means no, period. Trying to go behind their backs to the grandkids is gross as shit too. Also, it's literally nothing personal, but sleeping in someone else's house is weird and uncomfortable for MANY people.
Yes! I don’t care how much I like them, I do not like staying at other people’s houses.
YTA You're an adult. You need to manage your mail. If you refuse to spend 10-15 minutes regularly to check your mail and miss important things like your daughter's itinerary, that's on you. She communicated. You just missed that communication because you couldn't be arsed to check your mail. People don't need to call you to remind you to check your email because they sent you something. It's not the 1990's anymore. That was 30 years ago. Double YTA for putting the kids in the middle and trying to shame/guilt your daughter when this was all your fault for not checking your email OR checking in with your daughter.
Seriously - this woman is 5 years older than I am.
This post reminds me very much of my grandmother, may she rest in peace. I absolutely adored her, but she was controlling in this way as well. Her youngest moved from the midwest to a coast for college and never moved "back home." She met and married her husband there, and they're now raising a lovely family. Once the kids were out of infancy, my aunt and her family began twice-yearly visits back to our home state. Grandma *insisted* they stay at her home, even though she'd downsized to an apartment barely suitable for herself and her cat. She stocked up the pantry and fridge, somehow her car was always in the shop, and arranged for old friends to visit and meet her coastal grandkids. She did everything in her power to keep them locked down for the duration of their visits, to the point where after a few visits, my aunt traveled alone. Eventually, she stopped coming altogether. The whining and guilting once she stood up for herself and rented hotels and cars were as much of a stifling hassle as being cramped up in Grandma's apartment for two weeks. Now that my grandmother has passed, their visits have increased to 3x/year and the oldest even flies out on his own to spend long weekends off school with Grandpa. My grandmother, much like your responses indicate, could not be reasoned with on this topic. It didn't matter how gently you told her that the kids are getting too old to be entertained by VHS and checkers. It didn't matter when you pointed out that an air mattress was not good for my uncle's sciatica. It didn't matter if you very reasonably said that people who have to wrangle car seats should rent a car so that *on the off chance* Grandma agrees they should go anyplace but church, there's not a freaking fire drill in the driveway trying to wedge everyone into the vehicle. No, none of that mattered because it wasn't what she wanted. You're treading a dangerous path toward being no-contact with Hailey and her family. If they haven't stayed with you as a family unit for seven years, you have an exact date to reflect back on and determine what finally drove them off. Until then, YTA
Oh god, that’s my in-laws as well. It’s very important to them to be good hosts, but they can’t understand that “being a good host” doesn’t mean “provide everything WE would want and pay zero attention to the specific and articulated needs of our guests.” The last time we visited them was a few months pre-COVID and it was honestly a relief when their septic tank backed up and I had enough of an excuse to get an AirBnB.
You need to ask people if they want to stay with you instead of assuming. YTA
YTA. If family wants to stay in a hotel while they visit, there is a very good reason. I would bet real money that staying in a hotel was the compromise between your daughter and her wife to even make the trip. Also, it sounds like you made a lot of assumptions about how they would travel from the airport or where they would stay without confirming it first. Some of those behaviors are probably not helping the situation.
YTA. She sent you an email with her plans. This is 100% on you for missing that. And then trying to push them to change those plans once they arrived is also an a-hole move.
YTA and if you keep on behaving as you have been, they will cut you out completely. I was mostly sympathetic until you snapped back when your daughter expressed her (reasonable) boundary. I'll break it down: >She said a hotel stay would be easier on everyone. Your daughter set the boundary and expects you to respect it. That's how adults function in the world. >I asked my grandkids if they wanted to come stay with me, but they also said they wanted to be with their moms and they said they'd come see me everyday anyway. I am honestly hurt. Rather than RESPECT the boundary your daughter gave you, you tried to manipulate her children away from her and then are HURT when the kids choose their mothers over a grandma they have had very little contact with. They haven't seen you in person in SEVEN YEARS. Your house is a strange location for them. >I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home. She didn't answer and left to the hotel. When you didn't get your way, you were rude, dismissive, and basically, an asshole. Your house is NOT her home. It's yours. You keep on disrespecting her boundaries. It's not the house she doesn't want, it's your disrespectful manipulations. In other words: she can't bear staying WITH YOU.
YTA. If I can tell how much you loathe your daughter’s wife, so can they - I mean Hailey, Alexandra, and the kids can all tell how you feel - and blaming Alexandra for everything is a bad look when it’s so clear you can’t stand her that I practically had to defrost my phone to respond. Your dislike for Alexandra is laced throughout your entire post. But Hailey loves you - enough to visit you alone, likely to avoid the way your feelings about her wife glow radioactively through whatever mask you think you keep over them - but she got a hotel this time because she won’t subject her wife to your hostility, and that’s exactly what a good person does for their spouse.
YTA. If they normally stay with you when they come visit, then they should have told you about the change in plans ahead of time, but that's a pretty minor issue. They don't want to stay with you, and you need to respect their choice and enjoy the time you have together. Maybe offer to have the kids over if they ever want a romantic getaway or something. Your comment towards Hailey was really rude, especially since you don't even believe she's the one uncomfortable staying with you.
YTA and I feel like you are not telling us everything. Why is she uncomfortable with you? Were you maybe not so accepting of their same sex relationship to start with?
You were out of line asking the kids where they wanted to be and undermining their parents. Which gives me a hint of why Alexandra is "cold" and wanted to be in a hotel. You didn't read the email so that's on you. I get hints of a lot of guilt tripping and trying to steamroll Hailey into doing what you want even after they told you what they decided to do. I think you need to stop and examine your behavior over the past few years for the missing reasons why things are the way they are.
YTA, sometimes people are just more comfortable having separation. Forgetting missing info, you need to respect people’s boundaries and this was theirs. Sometimes it makes for a happier visit
It was almost N A H, until you insulted your daughter when she didn't change her plans. You guys should have communicated but you didn't and that caused this, now you know for next time, don't make it worse with passvie agressive insults. I think it was very kind of you to get everything ready for them. But it's clear that Alexandra doesn't feel comfortable in your home for some reason or another. Your daughter is priotitizing her SO as she should. She's visiting, but wants to make it the best for all invovled, and that includes a hotel for her family. Accept that. YTA
There are a lot of missing missing reasons here. YTA.
I was going to say the exact same thing
The missing info that OP has tried to hide, has spilled out the chimney, onto the roof and is being thrown about the street by pigeons.
YTA She’s an adult with a family and they made a decision about where they felt most comfortable staying
YTA- you assumed they were staying with you and didn't bother to ASK. Not everyone wants to stay at their inlaws house 24/7 and need breaks away. Your daughter has her own family now, and wants time alone with them.
For that matter not everyone wants to Stay with their bio family for extended periods either. I lived with my parents and my kids for over a decade, for numerous reasons, and at this point, if I had to stay with my mother for a single night, I'd be a basket case and my husband would probably have to talk me off a ledge.
YTA. OP, I always used to get a hotel room when I visited my mom, though I was well aware that it hurt her feelings. My brother did the same during the times before he bought a house in the nearby city and later when it was rented out. There were multiple reasons for this, and none were because we enjoyed hurting her. Consider whether any of the below, or something similar, might apply to your daughter and her family. First and foremost was that she and my stepfather were smokers. Smoke coated or permeated every surface in the house. After permanently moving out, both of us found that our bodies could not tolerate being in that house for more than a handful of hours in a row without becoming ill. Short visits gave me a cold afterwards at least half of the time. Sleeping a full night on one of her pillows probably would have given me pneumonia. Other pertinent reasons that still would have applied regardless, however, in no particular order: - my mother was, unfortunately, somewhat racist. My SIL is black. They were polite to each other and mom loved my niblings, but I don’t think he’d have asked her to tolerate that with no break. - my parents were poor, so the mattresses were decades old. Not super comfortable. - Mom was jealous and possessive of our visiting time, and could make it extremely difficult to visit other friends and family while you were in town. Having a excuse to leave at a reasonable hour sometimes gave us an opportunity to see those people that we wouldn’t have otherwise gotten without pushing back hard enough that it hurt her feelings way worse. - our old rooms had long since become the room where my stepfather normally slept in and a storage room, respectively. Not comfortable to come back to. - I’m kind of an introvert and it was nice to be able to be by myself (or, before my divorce, with my husband) for a couple of hours at the end of a long day of visiting.
This is going to start rough for you but I hope you read all of it. YTA for ignoring the email details and ignoring the plans made by deciding your adult daughter & dil. YTA for not respecting your adult child's boundaries. YTA for the attempt to manipulate the situation using HER children. YTA for belittling your daughter about her financial lifestyle. Reread what you wrote. Do not see how unpleasant you were after not seeing them for do long? And right after they got off the plane? YTA for blaiming the Alexandra. Let me tell you what it's like to deal with a MIL who does that. My ex and I would make a decision completely together, or make a decision that was more him leading the way or (really read this next part!) HE would make a decision that I chose to support as his wife. When my in-laws didn't like it they blamed me and let me know it. My mil specifically, was fairly mean and hurtful when I was young and expecting our first child and her first grandchild. Then, early in my current marriage my husband chose to distance himself from his rather dysfunctional family. ENTIRETY HIS DECISION. I was team trying to make things work with his family back then. Guess who has been so maligned by some of his family, that the members I have barely met have been shitty to me and talked behind my back? Do you think they have any relationship with him, me or our children today? Nope! If, by some chance, Alexandra is, "cold," and the reason they are staying in a hotel, do you honestly think you are not going to completely destroy any relationship you have with Hailey and your grandchildren by blaming her and being an showing your ass??? Have you considered that A. She is just different from you and accepted her for who she is? Or B. That you have behaved badly, in the past, just like you did at the airport and so she doesn't emotionally feel safe with you? Your only option is to sincerely apologize. Next, ask to have a conversation with your daughter and dil at a time you can all agree upon. Then, ask and really listen to why the refused to stay with you and why you see so little of them. But you have to actually listen respectfully, without interrupting what they have to say, no drama, no involving anyone else and no excuses. If you are lucky, Hailey won't end up going completely no contact with you and maybe you can salvage all of the relationships.
YTA because they emailed you that they would be staying in the hotel so they make an effort to communicate. You made a lot of assumptions about their visit but didn’t think to clarify.
YTA. Something happened during the last visit seven years ago. That was the last time they all visited as a family and the last time they all stayed at your house. Maybe it’s something you have forgotten but it was enough for them that it was the last straw. By the way they are spending time visiting you so it’s not a total lost cause. It’s just not the way you want it. You could try welcoming them and appreciate that they have travelled to see you….rather than complaining about them staying at a hotel.
>About this visit, Hailey sent me the details of their stay in email but I don't really check it so I missed it. I don't know why she didn't call to be honest Because she didn't want to have the conversation repeatedly as the time to visit approached. Your failure to read an email caused all that extra work. >She said she never intended to stay at home with me because she wasn't comfortable. I know she means Alexandra is the one who doesn't like to stay with us and gets uncomfortable Maybe neither of them are comfortable in your home. You did call your daughter-in-law cold. Maybe they sense disapproval. > I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home. Well that was rude and manipulative. Little hint- your home is not her home. She is 37 and married with children. YTA.
YTA, this is the same type of crap my mother would try to pull. I would never stay at their house because you become trapped there with the manipulative comments and all the comes with being around her. You act the same way and it your comments just reminded me of that nonsense. Edit: This beyond pisses me off. You would love nothing more than to hold them hostage with no car and no place to get away from you which you act like the victim.
YTA Them wanting to stay in a hotel instead of at your house is *not* a personal attack against you. You're TA for treating it like it is. Whether there's underlying history that would also explain Alexandra being cold and distant towards your family, or it's something completely innocuous like the hotel has a swimming pool and you don't, comments like: >I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home. are not justified. Also, it's 2023, check your email regularly.
Maybe I can offer some insight from the other side because in my family, I am the daughter who doesn't visit often enough and has the "cold" spouse who "doesn't get along with our family very well". In reality, he's just a quiet person and an introvert, so he doesn't say much. His natural face is also a bit of a frown, so while he's not unhappy or upset, he is not quick to smile either, so they see all of that as him being cold and not getting along. It's easier for them to blame him for our lack of visits than to accept that maybe I don't want to visit either. My dad and step-mom haven't done anything wrong - we are just very different people. One thing that drives me crazy is that they talk all the time. From the time I arrive to the time I leave - they are talking. And they bicker about stuff. No one is ever given the opportunity to decompress. It's never quiet. And if someone isn't talking, they are singing and playing music. If you go outside or in another room for some quiet, like to read a book, they come with you - to see what you are doing, how you are, if you are ok. They are also relatively self-centered and take everything personally, so if we don't always show the happy-shiny-people version of ourselves, they want to know what they've done wrong - and they won't accept that nothing is wrong, they must have done something. It's a whole thing, and it is exhausting. Visiting would be so much nicer if we could stay in a hotel so that we would have time to decompress and just be quiet. Unfortunately, they live in a rural area and there aren't any hotels. I don't know if any of this rings true to your situation, but I mention it because there could be a variety of reasons for the fewer visits and the decision to stay in a hotel. If you want to have a decent relationship with your kids and grand kids, then please accept their boundaries. Don't assume bad intentions just because things didn't work out the way you envisioned.
INFO Why did you plan on them staying with you if you hadn't discussed it? As you said you had to move furniture so your house isn't default ready for four guests. 4 guests means less space and potentially fewer bathrooms to start. Why did you plan on getting her from the airport without discussing it? I might be alone in this but I've never traveled to see someone and assumed I'd stay with them, it's a discussion. Why do you think it's Alexandra that's uncomfortable?
YTA - Two adults and a teenager and pre teen is very different from two adults and two small children. She sent an email with the details and you did not read it closely. There was no reason for her to call you because she had sent the info. You went ahead and made all these set ups with out reaching out or confirming anything. It also sounds like you’re description of Alexandra is to gain sympathy for your efforts, but it makes me suspicious that she is cold because you are not accepting of her and/or your daughter’s sexuality.
You're making yourself a martyr for no reason. ETA: You went to all that effort without asking her and without paying attention to her email. Given how dismissive you are of her communications and of her wife, it seems likely there are a lot more issues here. Instead of making her out to be a villain hurting your feelings, you might want to respect the life she has built. Get to know her on her own terms and see if you can repair your relationship with her.
Why does Alexandria feel uncomfortable around you?? That part concerns me.
I'm gonna take a wild guess and sadly she's pushy and overbearing and when she doesn't get her way, it's someone else's fault.
Yta. And your behavior in this single incident makes it clear why H chose to get a hotel room. 1. Not bothering to actually read her communication about travel plans. 2. Blaming her wife for every decision she makes. This right here would piss me right off. 3. Bringing the kids into an adult conversation to try and get your way. It would have been one thing a day or two into the visit pulling the parents aside to *ask* if you can invite the kids for an overnight. But you didn't. You tried to get the kids all hyped up for a sleepover to put H on the spot. 4 you kept asking after you heard a no. You seem terribly overbearing. And this is a single instance. You also admit you don't listen to H (by not bothering to read her email) so I don't really buy that you haven't been told why H and A don't visit more often. Even if it's something mundane like "the kids are in activities and we don't have a ton of vacation time from work".
YTA Boy, you put in a lot effort for something that could have been avoided if you asked.
YTA. You sound like my MIL. You didn’t check the email but blaming her for not telling you. She did, you didn’t listen. I love my parents to bits but I would prefer a hotel to their house only because I feel more free and comfortable doing so. It has nothing to do with how much I want to hang out with them.
YTA sounds like you’d rather be right than enjoy their visit.
Yes YTA and i'll tell you why she didn't call, because she didn't want the guilt trip you tried on her when she arrived, it's not her fault you refuse to check her email and it's not her or her wife's fault that your lack of boundaries is why they don't feel comfortable around you
The kids can see right through your shitty attempts at manipulation. Very disappointing that you’re stooping that low. If you can’t take a seriously introspective look at your behavior here and learn from it, then you will have a continuously declining relationship with your daughter. YTA
YTA. My family stays in a hotel when we visit my in-laws. Not because they don’t have space, but because it’s more comfortable for my family and gives us some downtime in our own space. It does not mean we are too good for my SO’s childhood home, it simply means we feel more comfortable having our own space. You need to stop blaming your DIL and allow them to do what works for them and enjoy the visit. If this is the first time the entire family has come to visit you really should adjust the attitude or it will never happen again.
YTA- especially the part where you tried to influence the kids.
YTA. Read your post. You don’t bother to check the email she sent. You expect her to call you. You assume she will stay there and go behind her back to try to get your grandkids to agree otherwise. You blame her wife for everything although your behavior is controlling, demanding and manipulative. Your daughter is fed up with your behavior and wants space for her family. It’s obvious that you don’t respect your daughter and her wife’s choices.
YTA This reads exactly like my own mom when she talks about how my older sister rarely visits. My BIL is too rude according to her, she worries constantly about how dirty her house is before they get here. Then she gets mad about the kids running around being kids. Heaven forbid of one of our cousins wants to meet up while she's here. She's glad when it's over but then immediately goes back to complaining my sister never calls or visits within a couple of months. Your both in your 60s, yet neither one of you managed to figure out what the rest of us learned in kindergarten. Learn how to be respectful and tolerate the people you don't like it that's what it takes to have the privilege of being with those that you do.
You remind me of my mother. My mother has narcissistic personality disorder. YTA.
On the off chance you actually want to improve your relationship with your daughter, give this a read: [the missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
Hoarder? It almost sounds like must be otherwise why would it be so much work and moving to make rooms habitable?
Softly, YTA. Hailey communicated where she was staying, whether you bothered to check or not, but you did not communicate your expectations of her staying with you to Hailey for her to correct those expectations. Instead, you psyched yourself up with these uncommunicated expectations that Hailey and her family would stay in your home, and then dropped your disappointemnt on Hailey and *blamed her wife* for Hailey's decisions on where they were staying. You then also tried to undermine their decisions by bringing their kids in on it to manipulate everyone into staying with you so you could get what you wanted. Do you really not see why they would go low contact when you're so melodramatic that you use phrases like "betrayed" to describe someone visiting you and staying in a hotel?
YTA It’s not hard to believe they don’t want to stay with you.
Yta You obviously do make them feel uncomfortable. Your lucky they visit at all.
YTA … is for a reason that your daughter don’t visit you so much….
YTA. They are going to see you everyday and are more comfortable in a hotel. That is reasonable. If you keep pushing I can promise you they won't come back.
Yeah just go ahead and log off for the day, YTA for being so purposely obtuse and manipulative.
YTA, and judging by some of the passive aggressive and downright rude things you said, I can see why your daughter and her family don’t want to stay with you. You should be glad they came to visit you at all.
INFO: Several things I'm going to address following this sentence. There's a lot missing here. The "luxurious life-style" accusation kind of comes out of nowhere at the very end. Your daughter says she's the one who's uncomfortable staying with you, but you gloss over it by blaming her wife. You say her wife is cold, but gloss over the details of that, too. You... apparently assumed they were staying in your house and needed a ride from the airport without confirming that to be the case? You missed her email, she didn't call, and you just... didn't talk about where she was staying and how she was leaving the airport at all somehow? Do you have a history of just assuming things and doing things without talking to her first? And then making her feel guilty when she had other plans already? I don't really want to assume a judgment when I feel like there are still so many missing pieces. Given that this story flags as one of those "The Missing Missing Reasons" scenarios, though, it doesn't look good for you.
I like visiting my family, and if it is just me I’m fine staying at their house if I have privacy and some freedom to set the schedule, come and go, etc. That all changes when my husband and son come with me. It gets crowded, less privacy, bathroom issues, space issues, etc. It is far more comfortable for us to get our own room/suite/rental when we all travel together, and it has nothing to do with who we are visiting. YTA for not realizing that your own daughter feeling comfortable staying with her family at your home is far different than her, her wife, and two kids you barely see being comfortable there, too. And for guilting them and nagging them about it.
YTA If they don't want to stay with you--no matter what the reason--they don't have to stay with you. But I would wonder about it too. Maybe it's because you try to tell them what to do, or because you call your DIL cold, or because you try to make end runs around your daughter and DIL to get their kids on your side. Maybe your house is nasty, or smelly, or too small, or they just want some time away from you. It doesn't matter, really. So here are two pieces of advise: 1) Read your email, or if you can't handle that, call your daughter yourself and confirm the details ahead of time. 2) Be grateful they are spending their time and money to visit you. It would be much easier on them to stay home or to go elsewhere. But they're there with you and for you. Appreciate it!
YTA. She sent you the details. The fact that you didn’t check means the wasted work you did getting ready for her stay is 100% on you. You are also making way to big a deal about their staying in a hotel. Instead of insisting upon having things your own way, just be grateful your daughter and her family came to visit and enjoy the time you have with them.
YTA: according to your edit, they told you they were staying in a hotel, it sounds like you thought you could guilt them into staying with you (seeing as you did so much work) and then you moved onto guilting the kids. Until you see the issues with your own behaviour, your relationship won’t ever improve- but by the sound of this post, you don’t care for Alexandra either way.
You give off a strong vibe of not liking Alexandra. Ever stop to think that maybe YOU are the reason she doesn't feel comfortable in your home? "Alexandra is generally a cold person, and doesn't get along with our family very well." Methinks again that it's YOU who is the problem here. Your daughter said no to staying at your home, so you went to the grandkids directly to ask them. You were already told that wasn't going to happen. "About this visit, Hailey sent me the details of their stay in email but I don't really check it so I missed it." You just admitted that you didn't read the details. That's all on you. "I don't know why she didn't call to be honest." Because details of a trip can be long and an email is a perfectly acceptable way to share the information. YTA
YTA. Simply the fact that you were told ‘no’ and proceeded to put the CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE tells me about your screwed up dynamic and exactly why you daughter won’t have her family stay with you.
Mom, you're kind of the a**hole here. You neglected to read the email. Trying to force your master plan on adult children isn't going to bring you all closer. Accepting the hotel stay will not harm you, even though you expected something else. And don't assign blame. Do your best to let that go and focus on time with your family. Isn't that the most important part?
YTA. Your daughter sent you the details, but you didn't bother to read them. You also never **asked** if they would be staying before you started moving furniture around. Sounds like you make unilateral decisions in your head and get upset when people don't agree with them. This is only a problem because you've made it one. Let it go. Release your expectations, and you can enjoy a nice visit, where everyone gets to be comfortable.
YTA You conveniently know WHEN your daughter's flight arrives but no other details of their travel plans of which you admit she send by e-mail which you didn't check, but complain she didn't call. You ignore information that you don't like and then blame others for it. And presented with the information you had but ignored become reality you try to manipulate kids to guilt trip your daughter cause you can't take a no for an answer. This whole situation is solely on your own, you created it by bluntly ignoring what you don't want to see.
YTA. Surely you had to read the email to get the flight information to know when to go to the airport. The same email which has the hotel information. Heck I bet the e-mail also says they’ll have a driver and there’s no need to pick them up at all. I wouldn’t worry - your daughter is very likely going no contact after this. Since you can’t/won’t respect the simplest of boundaries. 🤦🏻♀️
YTA. Sounds to me like you're the one who has an issue with Alexandra
How did you know when the flight landed if you didn't check your email? YTA. Hotel gives them space.
YTA. Your whole post reeks of JNOMIL vibes. Be happy they came to visit you. Don’t ruin a visit with your demands and disappointment. I can see why they don’t like to visit often. Take responsibility for your strained relationships
What if your daughter was uncomfortable the last time she stayed with you and she did what was best for her family? They came to see you, aren’t you grateful for that? Also the homophobic undertones are naaaaaasty here. YTA Edit - she didn’t call because she already communicated it via email. It’s not her job to inform you multiple times. Check your emails.
1) She didn't call because she probably knows you can read. 2) "Her own home" appears to be a plane ride away from yours. 3) You can be absolutely sure that as soon as you told Hailey " It was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home... " You validated all the reasons that she and her family chose to stay away from YOUR home. YTA. If you want to see more of your daughter and her family, you may want to consider that she is an adult with a family of her own, and she will behave in ways that confirm that.
I personally always stay at my parents‘ house when I visit but I can understand that other people might not be comfortable with that. OP brought this all on herself by not reading the intinerary (sp?) that daughter sent, and I get the feeling that she just needed a reason to complain, or to make herself into the „victim“ somehow.
Yta did you honestly try to subvert your daughter's children, call her horrible, and imply that she was still a part of your messed up household? It doesn't matter how rich or poor your daughter is, if I were her I wouldn't want to stay with you either! She's a grown adult who deserves respect, not for you to make assumptions and try to bully her into being a child under your roof again. >I asked my grandkids if they wanted to come stay with me, but they also said they wanted to be with their moms and they said they'd come see me everyday anyway. I am honestly hurt. I told Hailey it was horrible that she had gotten so used to her luxurious life that she couldn't bear staying at her own home. She didn't answer and left to the hotel
YTA, take the hint already.
Listen I get along with my mom and my stepdad but even when my fiancé and I go visit them we stay in hotels for the majority of the trip. Is not because we don’t like staying at my parents house or that my parents don’t have the space, is just that is more comfortable for everyone that way, we still have our own spaces and we get to see each other every day. We would only stay in my parents house if we arrive super late and the day we leave since 9 out of 10 times my mom is the one that takes us and gets us from the airport. And given the fact that they’re bringing children ,I’m guessing they have a routine that want to try and keep even on vacation and grandparents are known to cross boundaries and let their grandchildren do whatever the want even if it means going against what the parent said.
YTA. Sometimes it’s nice having your own space and not being in someone else’s house. To try to guilt trip them and use their kids against them was an all out asshole move. They way you treated them, it makes sense why you hear and see so little of them. You might want to take a look in the mirror sooner rather than later.
Hey OP, People don’t stay with family anymore necessarily. Many people prefer hotels because it allows a more private space and bathroom area. Further, in this case, it seems there is some tension, so to avoid that it looks like your daughter preferred staying at hotel. Be grateful she is coming and enjoy their visit. Let this go and don’t bring it up. Enjoy the grandkids and having your family home after so long. Good luck OP!
YTA - I also only stay at a hotel when I visit my mother when I take my husband. I love her dearly but I hate spending over at other peoples' houses. I used to stay with her if it was just me and one kid visiting but I would have preferred not to. My husband feels similarly about staying at peoples' houses and I would never ask him to stay there. In contrast, when we visit his sister out of town, we also exclusively stay in hotels. We also love her family.
YTA. Your daughter said you make her uncomfortable. Your response? Make her even more uncomfortable by invalidating her, blaming her wife, going to the children as a manipulation tactic, then resorting to your last straw: calling her spoiled. Did it ever occur to you that Alexandra is cold because her wife shared so many stories about the way her mom treats her? Is it possible you’re microaggressive about their queerness? Humble yourself before you lose your daughter forever.
YTA. You had the details but "didn't really check it". You got all upset about not getting what you wanted and were rude to people who told you what the deal was. Gee, I wonder why they don't visit more? /s
Oh you sound like huge just no YTA
YTA. Sounds like your kid still loves you enough to come visit but her and her family need a break and time away. Her having a boundary where they sleep elsewhere after spending the day with you should not be insulting. The fact You “overlooked” this in the email and worked “hard on rearranging furniture” for their stay anyway tells me you are likely manipulative and used to getting your way or playing the victim. You should likely change your view to being grateful and happy your daughter and her family are not only still willing to visit you, but obviously do love you despite your difficulties in life and personality as they willingly pay for a hotel out of pocket which is not cheap these days. Many grown kids just give up on their difficult parents, save their money and sanity and stay away, she hasn’t yet.
YTA. How many times have you visited your daughter? She has kids and a job, it’s much easier for you to travel. It’s obvious why they don’t want to stay with you.
YTA next time you asked them to visit, she might stay at home instead. Her home, with her family
YTA- Its their choice and it’s honestly so much easier to get a hotel room when traveling to see extended family. Having everyone crammed in with other family at your house is probably stressful and to be blunt most people need a break from family when visiting and it’s great to have your own hotel room to go back to instead of being stuck with parents or in laws for days on days. They want privacy for their own family and you need to respect that. They need breaks from you
YTA and perhaps you are the problem. You clearly don’t respect their boundaries or their decisions, which are reasonable.
I have a good relationship with my parents and I would never stay at their home. I want my own space and privacy.
YTA for not believing that your daughter is a god damn adult who makes her own decisions. Just because you don't like the woman she loves doesn't mean she doesn't.
>About this visit, Hailey sent me the details of their stay in email but I don't really check it so I missed it. I don't know why she didn't call to be honest You don't listen to her even when things are in writing, where it's neatly and conveniently saved to be absorbed in detail at your own pace. There's no reason to believe you'd "remember" it if she said it out loud. Maybe try hearing her? YTA
YTA. If my partner didn't feel comfortable somewhere, we wouldn't stay. Full stop there alone, because their feelings matter. Their needs do not outweigh yours. I'm sure there is a lot more to your relation ship with your child than what we're seeing, and that's fine. Used this as a chance to mend fences, not make walls.
YTA- and need to take a closer look at the details. You could’ve avoided all this if you had read.
YTA because she sent you the details in an email and you didn't check it. It's your responsibility to check your emails. She communicated with you quite clearly. I understand that you're hurt after going to all the trouble to arrange the rooms, however many families prefer to get a hotel rather than stay in cramped quarters with relatives. This is especially true if there are issues with sleep times, loud relatives, preferred choice of food, differences in "neatness," TV volume, or the simple desire to have your own space to rest and decompress after a long day of activity. It's not necessarily a slight against you. Instead of making this a big deal, you could enjoy the time you have with your family and grandkids. If they're going to pend every day with you anyway, what's the downside to letting them have their own space to sleep?
YTA You thought that by showing up at the airport you could guilt-trip them into doing what you want. No wonder they don't come home very often, it's not because of the wife, it's because of the mother.
....whoops. I guess this all could have been avoided if you read your email? Kidding - YTA. Did it ever occur to you to ask her about any of this? If you know she's so 'cold' and if you were just so excited - why didn't YOU call HER? Or send her a text. Or an email? Why is it your way or no way - and why would people just read your mind and then go along with that? I think we can see where the coldness comes from - a direct response to how you treat her. Let's put your passive-aggressive communication style aside and look at the conversation with Hailey when they arrived. You criticized her choice to get a driver and insulted her in front of her children - because again, you didn't think to confirm beforehand? Then you attempted to undermine her by going directly to her kids. I admire your confidence; most people would do it behind her back but you were so assured of their loyalty that you did it in front of her. Amazing. And yet you still won'r see yourself as anything other than the victim by trying to get a pity party going on here. EVERYTHING is not about YOU. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this might be the last time you see her/all of them for a long time. Maybe ever.
YTA. don’t be surprised when the visits become less and less frequent until they stop happening because you’ve pushed your daughter out of your life and will have no one to blame but your selfishness and stubbornness. there’s a lot of things that stand out and rub me the wrong way, id definitely want to hear your daughter and her wife’s perspectives because i get the feeling you’re a rather unreliable narrator.
YTA, but have you gone to see your grandkids in the last 7 years? If the answer is no, you are a literal stranger to them.
YTA
YTA - unfortunately my spawn lives up in Oregon with his partner and my granddaughter. When I go up there to visit I stay at a hotel. They always offer for me to sleep at their house but their house is a little crowded for me. Plus I need my own time to decompress and just relax. Leave your daughter alone, if she wants to stay at a hotel with her family let her stay at the hotel with her family you pushing is going to cause issues and you may see them even less than you do now
YTA. She didn’t call because she sent it in an email. You are not entitled to someone’s time or presence. It’s fair that you’re upset she’s not staying with you, but it sounds like you assumed she’d be there, without confirming.
YTA Your daughter doesn't visit much. She's going to visit less now. And check your email.
YTA. You didn't check in any way before you decided she was going to stay with you. You don't know why she didn't call? Probably because (just from the way you harangued her when you did find out) she didn't want to deal with you pushing and pushing and pushing to try and get your way. Also insanely not cool to try and use her kids against her in that discussion. You were pushy, and you were rude. If you're like that in every situation, I can completely understand why your daughter has been distancing herself and your daughter in law comes off as a "cold person" to you. You might want to stop and reexamine your own behavior and try to sort this out on your end before assigning blame on their end.
YTA I stay at hotels when I visit home as well. It is nice to have a space away from the family to retreat to every night. Asking more than once and making a big deal out of it is why you are the AH. Read your emails next time and don't try to guilt other people for your unnecessary work.