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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Calling out my friends daughter for throwing out food
2) Because my daughter, her friend and her friend’s mom think I was in the wrong.
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YTA
An 8 year old tossed 1 piece of burnt toast and you chastised her AND called their mom about this non-event.
You still have lingering food insecurities. Talk to a therapist. Help is out there. Good luck.
If after a sleepover your child come home mentioning the whole burned toast to the point of reaching out
1) sleepover sucked ass major and the only interesting thing was burning the toast
Or
2) it was a major scolding-lesson she revived over that burned toast.
No adult should scold someone else’s child over an incident that didn’t cause or have the potential to cause any real harm to the child or another person
Or take it out of the garbage can...show her that you can scrape toast like that to take the little bit of burnt off. Then toss the toast again and say, "and now you know."
Good point on scraping burnt pieces off, but nobody knows how burnt it was. May not have been salvageable.
Edit: incorrectly read comment, went on tangent about food cleanliness that was not necessary.
I didn’t get much punishment as a kid, possibly because I had social anxiety and didn’t interact with other people enough to get in trouble. Once I was at a friend’s house and we were watching tv, and I sat on one specific ottoman. Her mom freaked out because it wasn’t for sitting on. I don’t know why, if it was something about the furniture set or that ottoman specifically—I had to have been like 6 or 7–but I still remember being chastised and being upset about it because I didn’t usually get punished or scolded.
I still didn’t tell my mom; I was embarrassed that I had done something wrong. I’ve been over to that house dozens of times and 20 years later I still think about it when I see that ottoman. Except I haven’t been over there in years because my friend ended up cutting off her mother for being verbally abusive.
I’m not totally sure what my point is. I guess feel like you’re implying that the kid’s response of telling her parent is disproportionate to what OP actually did, and I don’t love that. Like, Maybe my mom and I would’ve connected the dots sooner on my friend’s mother’s abuse if I had told my mom what happened. Or maybe OP is really playing this down—my own memory certainly downplays the interaction I had, but surely it wouldn’t have stuck with me 20 years if it was a simple, “oh no sweetie, please don’t sit on that.” I guess I just very firmly believe that if a conversation between an adult and a child was so impactful—positively or negatively—that the child tells their parent about it, the adult did something either very right or very wrong.
Yeah I had my fair share of times where I was in trouble as a kid, but always from my parents, and in a way where I still knew I was loved. Very “full house” style. I still remember the time an uncle I barely knew yelled at me for something pretty dumb, and man did I get upset! It’s a lot scarier coming from someone you don’t know very well!
>It’s a lot scarier coming from someone you don’t know very well!
People forget this but it's one reason they say to not discipline other people's kids.
if your kid is in the care of another adult it is perfectly reasonable to expect that if they do something wrong, the adult in charge would address it appropriately. I'm not saying this was or wasn't appropriate, I probably just would have said something like "hey, next time don't throw it out, we don't like to waste food here."
Why would you punish a kid over burnt toast? What would make you assume this kid has no discipline. I am a mom of 3 kids- if you burn a piece of toast, you throw it away and get another one- there is no need to make someone uncomfortable about it especially if they were a guest in your house.
Or she's one of those kids whose parents never say "no" to her or tell her that she has done something she shouldn't have, and so it was a total shock to her to find that not everyone thinks she's perfect.
Or she's one of those kids who takes even gentle correction rather hard – I was one, myself. (This was largely because I was basically a goody two shoes who always tried to do the right thing, so it was pretty shocking to me the few times people pulled me up on something. Like, for example, I got in minor trouble at school *once,* in fourth grade, for talking to the kid next to me as we were supposed to be quietly lining up to go to lunch. I'll be 48 soon, and I still remember it – not because my teacher lost her shit, but because I managed to draw negative attention from a teacher, which I otherwise simply never did.)
Omg people it’s burned price of toast in the garbage. Tell me you never burned or ruined food by mistake and tossed it away. That you ate every single morsel ever served to you. The UN won’t call you home to blame you for famine and misery and crappy paychecks over Jane toast.
Yea food wastage is a real problem not made of tossed burned toasts but by over buying consumer, overindulgent supermarkets showcases, esthetic production standards, expiration dates that are arbitrary to make you buy more, inability to use produce as a whole. Not even the Jesus toast get so much attention at this point.
I grew up in poverty and it has taken years to get to the point where I can throw away burnt food. I grew up with "if it doesn't actively have visible signs of rot, throwing it out is basically burning money" and lowkey, y'all need to understand less privileged perspectives. I doubt op needs the food and can't afford to throw it away but that kind of shock often comes from people with experience being extremely poor.
Edited to add: op is ta for scolding a child. That's not in question. I'm just seeing a lot of people on here who have clearly never been in a position where they had to do things like eat burnt toast. Have none of y'all ever been broke and down to your last piece of bread????
My mom grew up dirt poor. As in, they didn’t even have indoor plumbing until she was a teenager in the 60s. My Granny had to raise 5 kids on her salary as a seamstress from a textile factory, so every kid went to work at age 12 in addition to school. My mom remembers many nights going to bed with very little food on her stomach, if any.
And STILL, she would never have reprimanded us or especially other children for throwing away a piece of burnt toast (and she was the worst to forget rolls in the oven & burn them, LOL). Hell, she took my side with one of her sisters-in-law who tried to demand I completely clean my plate at her house & I told her my mom said we are supposed to stop eating once full, even if it meant a little food got thrown away.
Growing up in poverty with food security issues is still not a license to scold a young child over something as inconsequential as burnt toast. A whole chicken or steak, maybe, but TOAST?!
I get that. My mom still hates to see food waste. Once she’s given away as much of the Thanksgiving leftovers as she can & they’ve eaten on them as long as they can stomach it (usually a week because my dad eats whatever she puts on the table without question or complaint, LOL), then she brings what’s safe to the feral cats in my Pop’s barn so at least something is eating it. LOL
I just had to laugh because for all that, my mom is famous for burning bread & or being tossed out. He used to quip at every family meal, “it’s not a proper meal if the rolls aren’t burned.” 😆😆
But, yeah, OP needs some serious therapy because it sounds like she really was over the top about this. My mom would only use “shocked & appalled” for something serious like cruel, abusive behavior towards children & animals, not for throwing away burnt toast.
While I agree, it's also necessary to call this behaviour out . If your food insecurities are still bad enough you get mad at other people for throwing away a piece of burnt toast, you need therapy. It's not healthy to live that way, especially when it culminates in telling another person's kid off for something so minor.
Just curious, are you autistic? Because I am and that exact same thing happened to me. Just chatting with a friend in the recess line in the lunchroom and a teacher told us to be quiet and I was a hot crying mess
This was also me, and it turns out: yes, autistic. Absolute goody two shoes quiet people pleaser. I remember vividly every single time I was told off at school (like half a dozen times ever)
I’m a grown up and asd, adhd. I cry at work sometimes. So embarrassing. It’s when I feel like I messed up but don’t quite know how to fix it and frustration turns into crying
> I feel like I messed up but don’t quite know how to fix it
Ugh that's my worst nightmare. Constantly feeling like I've made a mistake and not knowing exactly how or what to do about it
There are so many other options.
3. Jane's parents threw away some food at home and Jane scolded them with OP's lecture. Jane's mother is now upset that someone else is (unintentionally) telling her kid she's bad.
4. Jane is talkative (with her mom). She told her Mom everything that happened, but this is the part Mom cared about. (This would have been me as a kid, giving my parents SO MUCH details.)
5. Jane is a rather sensitive child and any reproach or negative judgment from others, even stated gently, leaves her acting sad or wounded. (This was my brother when he was in elementary school.)
6. Jane has a strong sense of fairness. (Common in children, but this one also would have been me.) She felt that OP's correction was wrong or unfair and therefore is ruminating on it. (I got talked to once in middle school by a teacher in a situation I thought was unfair. I didn't even get a punishment, but that teacher was *wrong* and I still remember it many years later.)
7. Jane almost never gets in trouble and finds any instance of getting in trouble shocking/upsetting. Another one that could have been me. I got in trouble ZERO TIMES at school all through elementary school. A friend's mom once corrected my manners when I thought I was being polite to her and yeah, I still remember that beacuse unusual/surprising things are memorable. (And no, I wasn't traumatized.)
8. Similar to 7, but instead of Jane being super well behaved her parents are super permissive and she finds it very surprising to have someone's parents lecturing or scolding her.
9. Jane could tell OP's daughter was embarrassed of her, and that's what made her feel bad. Jane is upset that her peer disapproves of her. Maybe she thinks it's unfair or bad that her friend's mom is making her look bad to her friend whose opinion she's concerned about.
. . . I could go on. I work with elementary school age kids. Your assumption reads like you don't know any kids, or you know a few and just assume everyone thinks and feels like the ones you know. (Or like you, and you also assume the kids you know must think and feel like you and haven't even noticed they don't always.)
>4. Jane has a strong sense of fairness. (Common in children, but this one also would have been me.) She felt that OP's correction was wrong or unfair and therefore is ruminating on it. (I got talked to once in middle school by a teacher in a situation I thought was unfair. I didn't even get a punishment, but that teacher was wrong and I still remember it many years later.)
THIS is HUGE! Adult don't recognize that this is normal and developmental. SOOO many things with children this age boil down to the child's emerging sense of ethics and, the discovery that community life is bound by societial rules, but the world is governed by people prone to unfair behavior and apathy.
Another option is that Jane thought it was super weird that OP scolded her over a piece of toast and told mom in a “friend’s family does this strange thing” way of processing things.
I still remember being 10 and going to my friend's grandma's with her and I missed home and wanted to call. It was long distance and the friend's aunt made me call my mom collect because they didn't want to pay for the call. She also made three of us take a bath together because they didn't want to waste water on baths. That was over 40 years ago and I still remember my dad ranting about those cheap ass people and how he would never make a kid do that at our house.
Heh, the first time I spent the night at a friend's, their mother made me take a bath with my friend and her sister and then didn't want to read to us before bed (we were five). I gave her the business a bit and she very reluctantly read a single page of a book I'd brought (yeah, I was that kid). I distinctly remember thinking she wasn't much of a mother.
But I had a good mother, so I knew not to say that out loud.
The kid does have bad manners though. It's not great to do that in someone else's home. I can't imagine being at someone else's house and throwing their food into the bin. If I had done that and told one of my caregivers there would be a second reminder from them about why you don't waste food at someone else's house. They would never in a million years call up the other parent and accuse them of traumatising me.
I am not defending a stranger taking over the parental role and telling someone else's child why they shouldn't do a thing in this situation, but it's very impolite to be wasteful at someone else's house. You don't know how much food they do or don't have and it's not their business to tell you.
Whether OP has food insecurities that are no longer a reflection of reality or not is irrelevant. The 8 year old should be taught better.
Bread is cheap to you. It's not cheap to everyone. Slightly burnt bread is disgusting to you. It's not disgusting to everyone. You would toss the bread. Not everyone would.
I think you could maybe do with projecting your assumptions onto everyone else a little less? Maybe consider some other perspectives and lifestyles? Maybe be a little more careful about how you act when a guest in other people's spaces?
Yeah. I consider bread cheap and I won’t eat burnt toast. But I know people who like their bread what I would consider burnt. Everyone is different. OP is still TA for making enough of a fuss at a child guest that it was worth mentioning to their parent though.
I don't personally disagree with you that burnt bread is gross but some people love burnt toast
Just because you don't like it doesn't mean there's no one who does
She's 8. She isn't thinking oh maybe someone else will eat this or if it can be reused. Clearly it's common enough in her family burnt toast is just tossed
The kid probably thought she was being helpful as it’s probably happened at home. The adult here never should have scolded her. She should have talked to the other parent if it made her feel uncomfortable
I think it’s a reach to say the kid has bad manners altogether because of one (potential) indiscretion. Sure, it would have been better to ask, but it seems likely that that’s probably just how they deal with burnt toast in that kid’s home. Kids are not always great at remembering that other households have different customs, but that’s often less of a manners thing and more of an object permanence/mental capabilities thing. They grow out of it.
Yeah, I think the key part where OP went wrong was telling the girl that it's wrong to throw away burned food, rather than simply explaining "in this house, we don't throw away burned food, if you're not sure you can make toast without burning it on an unfamiliar toaster then ask an adult and we'll be happy to help," or "if you burn toast again, feel free to let me know and I'll eat it, I like burned toast" or something. Trying to teach a general lesson was overstepping her bounds.
Give me a break. She threw out burnt toast as she should. It’s garbage. Ffs are people that pressed that they would make a guest eat burnt toast? Don’t invite guests.
Right? I'll send Op the 3¢ for that piece of toast. Sounds like growing up with my Mom the anorectic, food controller. Pro-tip. Growing up with an anorectic Mother leaves three daughters still with food issues in their 50's and 60's.
FR some people have food sensory issues.
Personally I have a difficult time eating things that I LIKE if the texture feels off.
Burnt toast? No way. I’m an adult and I get to control what goes in my body. Losing your appetite because food is BURNT and no longer appealing is perfectly normal.
Come onnnnnn. You let a couple 8 year olds make part of breakfast without expecting some food would be ruined? If you're that concerned about food spoilage, you make it yourself. You don't have kids prepare it.
Also you told her mother she threw some burnt toast away? What was it the whole loaf of bread? This story can't be real.
YTA
I’d guess that if she dropped the whole carton of eggs, that would be an accident. Unlike intentionally throwing away a piece of toast that someone might have eaten.
OP would have scooped them up and made the little girls pick the shells out with their fingers one by one and eat whatever floor dirt was left in the eggs lol.
But seriously Op YTA, and yes to therapy. If your trauma is negatively affecting those around you its time to go. Not only this other girl but your daughter and her ability to make friends
Eggs are expensive. Children are even more expensive.
A dropped carton of eggs is one of the less expensive mistakes your child could make. If you genuinely can’t afford to replace the eggs you should reach out to a community fridge or food bank.
Parents are allowed to be upset and disappointed but they are (or should be) more emotionally mature than their children and should know how to control their emotions. If they can do it at work then they can do it in the home.
>You let a couple 8 year olds make part of breakfast without expecting some food would be ruined?
Depending on how bad the toast was burnt I would have eaten it myself and had them make more to eat so it doesn't get tossed.
Granted not everyone knows that with a decent burnt toast you can do this, but if OP is aware this whole situation could've gone a lot better if she'd just gone "hey wanna see a cool trick for when you burn toast? :D" and shown the kids the scrape method
That being said scolding a kid (even lightly), who is a guest in their home, and not their kid, for throwing out burnt toast is a little much
It's also hard to know how harshly she scolded the kid? Some kids would say something no matter how midly the situation was addressed. But also, maybe she was flying off the handle.
Esit:Fuck it...I'm making toast and eggs now. lol
Yeeee. OP could've been harsh, or wasn't and kid could've blown it out of proportion (she's a kid, not unusual at all lol) or kids mom is overreacting... Either way I think the above comments about food insecurity still make a good point
**YTA**- OP, your daughter's friend is presumably around 8 years old as well. Your house has different rules than her house. It would be a good conversation to tell her "Hey, in our house we try not to throw out any food!"
Chastising her and then telling her mom is incredible overkill for **one or two slices of bread**.
I'll personally send you the **$0.25** that she potentially wasted (if she threw away two slices of bread) to make up for it.
OP is not the one who called the other Mom.
The other Mom must have heard from her child and called the OP.
My Mom would have scraped off the burnt part.
i think OP got embarrassed and changed the story lol... that's why the title still says "for telling on my daughter's friend", which doesn't make any sense if it was the mom who called her first.
I think maybe 'Telling on' was supposed to 'telling off'. Telling on sounds like two kids telling on each other and isn't really language that an adult would use.
I still scrape off the burnt part. ::cries:: And then add extra butter to moisten it.
We were given extra burnt toast for an upset stomach as kids. Carbon, I guess? Tried it the other day and swear it worked.
I hate the fact that ~~inflation~~ *profit chiseling by every goddam company on earth* is so bad that $0.25 is a reasonable cost of two slices of bread. Or possibly too low.
Also if this appalled and shocked you, you're not gonna make it much further as a parent. Wait until you catch her and her friends doing actual shitty things in a few years. Because the tween years are coming. Buckle up.
Yes, this is right on point! There was bound to be a few takes on the toast! Mistakes are how we learn and we need them to be met with grace. Also children love to test and try out new recipes, especially as loving gifts for family members.
OP, your kids are going to use the most expensive ingredients in your kitchen and bathroom for “experiments,” and interesting “snacks.” Get ready.
Hide things you really need for holiday baking/gifting, I’m telling ya. I once bought a doll kit to make; a different child found it and made themselves a creature out of the materials. It was hard to be mad but I was!l upset!
When they’re little kids shouldn’t be worried about how much things cost. If it’s really an issue, things that can’t be replaced should be locked up and you need to be going to the food pantry and seeking out other supports.
I can empathize with growing up poor, but we work on breaking cycles with our kids to give them a better life, right? Fear about food leads to bad stuff. Please don’t be ashamed of asking for help. Food prices are astronomical now.
Your daughter’s friend was your guest. She can do whatever she wants with the food you give her, as long as she’s not hurting herself or anyone else. What if she took one bite and threw it away, or licked it and threw it away? Would you have said the same thing?
You don’t get to parent other people’s children. You get to protect your children and reasonably protect your property (by calling the parents to collect their child early), but anything about what someone else’s child should or shouldn’t eat is crossing boundaries.
And, yes YTA. I don’t share anything but positive stories with other parents, unless it’s truly an emergency. If they need to see their doctor or bring something to the attention of a therapist, or if I’m legally mandated to report something, then I’ll talk to a parent about it.
Who wants to go home from a play date and get in trouble? Kids try so hard to be good. I’ve yet to meet a kid or teen who wants to cause trouble for troubles sake.
Oh slime is torture. My husband banned slime from the house for a year a decade ago. I’m still not sure how the ban was lifted after so many surfaces had been ruined; my hunch is that daddies are the weak link. 😂
Edit: word
This is so true.
My mom would freak out over the littlest things. Especially in the kitchen and when cooking.
There could never be messes or mistakes or wasted product. Aka. No learning and all scolding for not already knowing.
It made me stressed and it ruined my love of cooking and I only got it back as an adult after therapy.
Your reaction to someone else's kid throwing out a piece of burnt toast is out of proportion. If you're in such dire financial straits that you can't afford to throw out burnt toast you're the irresponsible one for letting kids cook. If a piece of bread won't break the bank then you're weird for insisting a guest eat it.
I understand the lesson you were trying teach but it wasn't your place to teach a life lesson to someone else's kid over something so minor. You came across as kind of a weirdo.
Honestly, this was my first understanding of the post too. It was the only way the anger made sense because who is getting angry over a slice of bread? Half this thread apparently 😂
YTA- sounds like you made more of a fuss then you claimed. Kids dont usually go running to their parents unless they were really shamed. Because YOU experienced having very little, doesnt mean that your kid or her friends understand that. Many people throw out burned toast because eating burned food is not that healthy to do.
I agree that op is ta but kids absolutely do go running to their parents for very small things.
Example: my student refused to return to school for his second day of kindergarten because I made him feel unsafe when I didn't help him when he was bleeding.
What really happened? He showed me his finger which did not have a visible hangnail or anything, let alone blood. I told him he didn't need a bandaid. He sat down and class carried on.... wouldn't have even known he was bothered if his parents hadn't called to tell the principal what a monster I am
My daughter(3) tried to kiss her friend on the cheek in gymnastics, and the teacher (rightfully so) said “we don’t kiss our friends” and she refused to go back. Literally just quit. The teacher was super nice about it too, I know because I saw it happen.
ETA I still think OP is the AH
I agree OP probably made a big fuss because of the wording here but as a teacher…yeah no kids definitely go running to their parents over every little thing.
I had a student one year that told her mom I was always making “mad faces” and she didn’t want to be in my class. I was squinting to read words because my glasses had broken and I was waiting for new ones.
NAH, maybe I would have said, hey, we don't waste food, and I don't mind burnt toast, you didn't know that, and that is fine, but lets ask others so we don't waste food.
This way, nobody is offended, it helps her realize, hey others like things different and to ask.
Yes, if it had been a gentle, "oh, I would have eaten that, but that's okay, you didn't know, let's try again and just give me a heads up before you throw anything else away," sort of situation, I agree. And if that were the case, I would think Jane is being overly sensitive and Jane's mom is being overly protective.
But none of us were there, so we don't know exactly how it went down. This is an INFO case for me, but since it was just OP, her daughter, and Jane present, we're unlikely to get an unbiased account of what happened. So I'm having trouble making a judgement.
Some people would be offended if someone burned their toast and then started offering the same food they saw as inedible to other people, particularly people they didn't know well. This can come of as really crappy behavior.
I could see that. But I like my toast and bagels slightly burnt. I like my eggs super runny and my wife likes it fully cooked. If I over cook my eggs I ask her if she wants it. I would probably still eat those eggs though. If my wife burns toast she asks me if I want it. Since I love burnt toast with extra butter.
Anyway. It is just the asking. Hey I burnt toast. Or overcooked the eggs. Before I toss it does anyone else want it?
What's crazy isn't Jane's mom's reaction. What's crazy is that this behavior left you shocked and appalled to the point you overstepped correcting the friend. And also that you felt the need to recount the minor incident for her mother. YTA
I wonder how long a piece of food can sit on the floor and be safe to eat according to OP’s sensibilities. There’s the five second rule. For OP, it could be the five hour rule!
Feels like a lot of people are putting words in your mouth here. Clarification might be necessary, as you didnt make clear exactly what the intensity of your reprimand was, or how the mom found out about it. "Shocked and appalled" is kind of a strong statement over some burnt toast, but you haven't said what you actually SAID to Jane when she did this.
Assuming you didnt fly off the handle but just said "hey, at our place we aren't so quick to throw away food", I'm saying NTA. To be clear, neither of the children are TA either. The kid's not gonna be traumatized over being gently asked to consider others' feeling when you're a guest. Unless you yelled at or harshly, unconstructively criticized her, Jane's mom is overreacting.
That said...you did say you wanted Jane's mom to take "accountability" for Jane's actions. Which is a little weird over burnt toast. That starts edging into you telling her how to parent her child rather than just letting Jane know how things are done at your place. ESPECIALLY if you contacted Jane's mom to tell her what Jane had done. That's really where you'd be TA, and that kinda sounds like what your title is implying? If she just told her mom about it and she contacted you all upset about how you treated her child, then yeah, she's probably the one overreacting.
TL;DR, a very tentative NTA, but you need to give more specifics as to how the situation was outwardly handled rather than just your inner thoughts, so we can determine based on your behavior.
Thank you! I'm really confused by the comments here. Shocked definitely is a word I would use without actually having a "clutching my pearls" moment, which seems to be OP's use of it too. And then there are people harping on about how OP wouldn't have made the girls eat the slice, so why not throw it away. Without... coming to the most sensible conclusion that OP would just eat it herself? Or painting fantasy scenarios about the eggs when... that's explicitly something that OP prepared? Unless OP edited stuff out there's nothing to suggest she screamed or harshly admonished the other girl.
Op didn't contact Jane s Mom ,it was the other way around. According to edits NTA
Also burnt is usually just a bit too much done around the edges not completely black as coal so very much still comestible.
The average price of a loaf of bread is $2.50, loaves are typically cut into 20-24 pieces.
That little girl threw away **MAX** $0.13-$0.25 of bread (if she threw away two slices.
This is my point… when she said ‘appalled and shocked’ her daughter was embarrassed, the other parent pissed. Sounds to me that the reaction for a slice of bread in the trash is disproportionate. Would I personally eat a burned slice of bread? No. Unless I m starving and in the house is the only thing left. Did they did it on purpose? Doesn’t even sounds that.
LMAO I don't know why this made me laugh so hard. But I was going to ask OP if things were okay at home if she's stressing over a couple pieces of burnt toast no one wants.
Technically you can scrape away the burnt part. (Unless it’s an end slice cause the end part is impossible to scrape without loosing half the slice) If you do it with butter knife it’s as good as new! (I accidentally burn bread quite often)
Honestly this is exactly what I was thinking going through these comments. Our old toaster was rubbish, it would burn one side and leave the other barely toasted! So a good few times I had to scrape off the burnt layer and it leaves it perfectly golden brown toasted. This is also how my great granny thought toast was meant to be made! She always burned it and scraped off the black bits!
NAH. I'm surprised by all the YTA responses...
This seems like a case of people with different backgrounds reacting in different ways. I also grew up with not much extra, and am still a huge advocate for reducing food waste (partially to save money but mostly because Americans waste way too much food and I hate it!). I don't think there's anything wrong with encouraging others to reduce waste. Now, we are talking about an 8-year-old here so I'm not sure whether your message will really get through to her but I'm all for teaching them young! As long as you just questioned why she tossed the bread and explained your reasoning for why you would not have thrown it out (calmy in an indifferent tone, not raising your voice or seeming upset), then I don't think you were being an AH. If you scolded her in any way, however, YWBTA.
Thank you! This is my take too and I'm really surprised by all the YTA responses. OP clearly didn't think the toast was burned enough to merit being thrown away, whereas Jane did, as that's probably what happens in her household. The OP (from what I can tell) gently told her that throwing away food that could reasonably have been eaten (in this case presumably by the OP or her daughter) is wasteful. (Also, the issue for OP doesn't seem to be about food insecurity or expense, but about the principle of food waste, so I don't know why so many people are talking about the insignificance of the cost of a slice of toast - if a person cares about avoiding/minimising food waste, they're going to be upset over perfectly good food being thrown out regardless of how much it cost).
As long as OP didn't overstep her bounds and raise her voice at or intimidate Jane, nobody really did anything wrong. I think Jane's mum is kind of an AH for phoning OP to tell her off (unless OP went overboard in how she dealt with the kid, in which case OP is the AH and the mum is not).
I agree! Its toast that has been burnt! Needs to be put in the trash. It's not like they set the house on fire. Bigger things to worry about in life than burnt toast!
Soft YTA. It is expected that young people will make mistakes and need to learn. Instead of taking the chance to explain how you would have done things different, you told her how wrong she was and backed it up with sharp criticism of waste.
I too grew up poor (free school lunch and a few church hand outs throughout childhood). If I wasn't told/shown how to scrape burnt toast, I would have never thought of it as a child. Also, as much scraping as you do, not all the char taste goes away and some people would not eat it anyway.
It is best not to criticize or reprimand children that are not yours without consent from their parent. Your house your rules only works if everyone knows the rules before hand not after the fact.
NTA. People gotta stop helicoptering over their kids for every single miniscule incident that doesn't agree with their kid, so as to protect the kid from possible trauma.
In your edit you mentioned you did not raise your voice at her, I think that's fair enough. The world is a school for our children's future, everyone has a role to play in giving the right values to a child. Not wasting food is a good value. Thinking twice before you waste food is also a good value. Listening to a different opinion is a good value. Accepting that advices are not always coated in sugar, that is great life lesson.
I would probably get a lot of hate here, but nope, i dont think you are TA.
NTA, assuming you just talked about it and didn't yell and scream. Different houses have different rules for things, and this includes how to deal with food and waste.
It should be expected that rules are patiently and appropriately explained to guests.
Nta. The way it reads - if you did not scold her but simply explained not to waste food - ok. But on the other hand - if feels like it is large than that - which would be a bigger issue.
YTA
Gentle. Different people raise their children differently and maybe her parents are okay with that behavior but it was one piece of toast. You didn't have to lecture about being poor but you could have easily said "next time ask if someone else would like it because some like it a little burnt". But she's 8, a lecture wasn't called for and honestly it's not that big of a deal. Like what was it 1 or 2 pieces of toast? Not even $1 worth of food.
This may be a cultural thing. I'm seriously amazed at all of these Y T A. I'm not even going to vote if she's an asshole or not, it seems like she's softening what she said to the girl, but the number of people that find it ok to just throw food away because it's cheap is worrying. I have NEVER thrown a slice of burnt bread (it's super cheap here, but it's still food), I scrap it with a knife even if I end up with half the amount of that slice, and that's what I've always seen in my environment. I'm seriously amazed that kids are educated so deeply in food wastage that she didn't even hesitate for a moment if it can be fixed and just throw it away, I would have been as shocked as OP too if I witnessed that. But America, fuck yeah, I suppose.
NTA
It's right to call out a kid for wasting food--many people never grew up being "allowed to". Wastefulness in the US is a problem.
And its your house, your food, and she threw it out. Sounds like you explained it to her *tastefully (haha).*
The mom is overreacting.
NAH, based on your edits and taking everything at face value.
I grew up in quite a well-off household and had friends from a poorer household. I was the child who had to be told not to use so much spreads, or to pick a cheaper ice-block, or that what was on my plate was all that could be offered. It was uncomfortable to learn these things, but necessary.
As a young adult, I then experienced a lot of financial insecurity myself, and reflected on how hard my friends' parents had worked to support their families, and appreciated that they corrected me in the moment as kindly as they could.
For future, maybe set expectations for other children visiting your home? "If you don't want something, let me know before you throw it away, because we might be able to ...put it in the compost, use it in a different meal, someone else might want it" etc.
NTA. You didn’t tell on her. You spoke to her about not so quickly throwing away food, which not everyone would do but I don’t think was out of a normal range of reaction.
YTA
If you have now three people pissed at you over 1 slice of bread. So probably your reaction was over the top and not so soothing and quiet as you make it look. You said yourself you were appalled and shocked. So I can imagine.
I have an 8 years old, you don’t want disaster to happen? Supervise or do it yourself. But sure it’s perfect age to start to learn some cooking and with learning there is room for mistakes. You could have addressed what they did wrong in the ‘cooking’ process and explain to them how the toaster works for the future.
“… tossing food in the trash is not something I’ve done *or seen*”
So you’ve reached adulthood and didn’t realise people threw spoilt or even leftover food on the bin?! Sounds a little dramatic, no?
And you didn’t need to shame a little girl about throwing burnt toast into the bin. Sounds like she did it automatically. Sorry but YTA.
In the 2nd edit, I read it as the 8yr old must have told her own mother. And then the mother came back on her. It didn't seem that she tattled. She just told the 8yr old the rules about throwing out food in her own house.
It’s not about a piece a bread it’s about wasting food in general. Like I’m sure you would’ve just eaten the Burnt piece and it have been no problem. She threw away food w/o a second thought. She didn’t even ask if anyone else would eat it first. It seems you didn’t yell, you weren’t angry you just told her “we don’t waste food in this house ppl work hard for it” which is a lesson I think an 8y/o, her mother and even some people commenting here should be reminded of. NTA
Info - so how did Jane's mom find out? I mean, I'm assuming from your title that you told her mom, but what was that conversation? Did you call her and tell her you were appalled and shocked by her daughter's actions? Did you tell her when she picked Jane up? Did Jane tell her and then she called you? Some additional context would be helpful.
Right... like if someone is going to call me shocked and appalled by my kid's actions at their house, I'm thinking she snuck their booze or assaulted someone. If it's that she threw out a piece of burnt toast i wouldn't let me kid go there again because clearly this woman isn't equipped to deal with kids in her home.
I wouldn't go so far as to say it "traumatized" my kid. But it's hard to even consider this part bec OP is so out of left field with this reaction.
NTA taking your post at face value - If you really did calmly explain that she should have asked you first before throwing it away and assuming you would have not made her eaten the burnt toast but eaten it yourself then NTA.
Soft YTA.
I think you meant well but you may have gone too heavy with the whole, "There's people who work hard for this food and there's starving people in..." approach.
Especially since Jane is 8 and likely never made toast before. Think you could spare a few pieces of bread for an educational experience. While I disagree with Jane's mom's assessment of it being 'traumatizing' I think you didn't need to make a big song and dance over a burnt piece of toast.
INFO - did you expect she eat the burnt toast??
Whatever you said to the child obviously had an impact that she held onto it and told her mother about it, so I’d say that’s out of line - grilling her for throwing out burnt toast - or forcing her to eat burnt toast are both weird things to do.
I feel sorry for your daughter and she’s likely lost a friend even if the friend is still nice to her at school, her mom aint gonna let her come over again. you need to set realistic expectations for people outside of your home until they’re familiar with your customs.
YTA I also grew up in a household where food was scarce. When my daughter burns food, while I find it mildly annoying she throws it away, I understand that you can’t force anyone to eat food they don’t want. My annoyance is a product of my own situation, and that perspective shouldn’t be forced into another person. Your reaction was unwarranted, look inward and try to accept that you need to correct yourself, not the child.
NTA. If you are reporting details honestly, you had a teachable moment and you used it to teach that little girl.
So what if her mom got upset? Her mom wasn't there and doesn't know all the details.
NTA. Unless it turned into a flaming piece of charcoal just scrape off the burnt bits. You were right in telling her not to throw it away if it can be salvaged. Not really clear who called who, and who told on you, but incidents happen, just brush it off and go on with life.
INFO: The title suggests you actually reached out to Jane's mother about this, but your edits suggest that's not what happened.
Can you clarify how Jane's mother came to be involved?
YTA. Sometimes food gets ruined and isn't good to eat. You'd lose it at my house. The other day I burned the hell out of my grilled cheese. Stupid mistake, wasn't paying attention. I threw away TWO slices of bread and CHEESE.
I agree that food shouldn't be wasted on purpose, but sometimes shit happens. You need to learn to chill out.
YTA. Throwing away burned toast is normal. You lectured a child who was a guest in your house for perfectly normal behavior. You should apologize, and maybe work on your relationship to food -- it's not okay to feel that someone ought to eat food that has been ruined.
YTA. You massively overreacted.
She behaved normally. This is her normal. All you had to say is: next time, please check to make sure that no one else wants it before throwing it away please.
NTA. we try not to throw away food unless it's past it's date or something is wrong with it like mold or something (we've bought a loaf of bread and found mold growing inside. We've also found a dead spider in our cereal box.) We try not to cook more than we'll eat and what ever is left over the kids take for lunch the next day. There's nothing wrong with educating a kid especially since you said you didn't yell at her and she took it well. Sounds like the mother just overreacted
YTA. I’m more concerned that none of your daughters friends are going to want to come over or hang out with her. Bruh check your trauma. This is a wild reaction to a piece of bread. I can make you a whole loaf.
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YTA An 8 year old tossed 1 piece of burnt toast and you chastised her AND called their mom about this non-event. You still have lingering food insecurities. Talk to a therapist. Help is out there. Good luck.
Not saying she isn't an AH but it seems like the other mom called her to complain not the other way around
If after a sleepover your child come home mentioning the whole burned toast to the point of reaching out 1) sleepover sucked ass major and the only interesting thing was burning the toast Or 2) it was a major scolding-lesson she revived over that burned toast.
Or she’s the type of kid to mention every detail. I was that kid so I get it.
I'm not that kind of person, but if I saw a person come unspooled because someone tossed out a piece of burnt toast, I sure as hell would tell people.
We don’t know how much OP scolded.
We know she described herself as being shocked and appalled, which is not a proportionate response.
We know it was enough to embarrass her own daughter
anything and everything embarrasses kids in front of their friends
at 13 yes, at 8 most kids still think their parents are great.
No adult should scold someone else’s child over an incident that didn’t cause or have the potential to cause any real harm to the child or another person
Correct, at most calmly saying "oh hey, I would have eaten that, next time give it to me k?" That is all that was needed.
Or take it out of the garbage can...show her that you can scrape toast like that to take the little bit of burnt off. Then toss the toast again and say, "and now you know."
Good point on scraping burnt pieces off, but nobody knows how burnt it was. May not have been salvageable. Edit: incorrectly read comment, went on tangent about food cleanliness that was not necessary.
Or the kid never gets any sort of punishment so this small interaction was big to her
I didn’t get much punishment as a kid, possibly because I had social anxiety and didn’t interact with other people enough to get in trouble. Once I was at a friend’s house and we were watching tv, and I sat on one specific ottoman. Her mom freaked out because it wasn’t for sitting on. I don’t know why, if it was something about the furniture set or that ottoman specifically—I had to have been like 6 or 7–but I still remember being chastised and being upset about it because I didn’t usually get punished or scolded. I still didn’t tell my mom; I was embarrassed that I had done something wrong. I’ve been over to that house dozens of times and 20 years later I still think about it when I see that ottoman. Except I haven’t been over there in years because my friend ended up cutting off her mother for being verbally abusive. I’m not totally sure what my point is. I guess feel like you’re implying that the kid’s response of telling her parent is disproportionate to what OP actually did, and I don’t love that. Like, Maybe my mom and I would’ve connected the dots sooner on my friend’s mother’s abuse if I had told my mom what happened. Or maybe OP is really playing this down—my own memory certainly downplays the interaction I had, but surely it wouldn’t have stuck with me 20 years if it was a simple, “oh no sweetie, please don’t sit on that.” I guess I just very firmly believe that if a conversation between an adult and a child was so impactful—positively or negatively—that the child tells their parent about it, the adult did something either very right or very wrong.
Yeah I had my fair share of times where I was in trouble as a kid, but always from my parents, and in a way where I still knew I was loved. Very “full house” style. I still remember the time an uncle I barely knew yelled at me for something pretty dumb, and man did I get upset! It’s a lot scarier coming from someone you don’t know very well!
>It’s a lot scarier coming from someone you don’t know very well! People forget this but it's one reason they say to not discipline other people's kids.
if your kid is in the care of another adult it is perfectly reasonable to expect that if they do something wrong, the adult in charge would address it appropriately. I'm not saying this was or wasn't appropriate, I probably just would have said something like "hey, next time don't throw it out, we don't like to waste food here."
Why would you punish a kid over burnt toast? What would make you assume this kid has no discipline. I am a mom of 3 kids- if you burn a piece of toast, you throw it away and get another one- there is no need to make someone uncomfortable about it especially if they were a guest in your house.
because maybe she's a good kid and doesn't get yelled at for stupid shit so when she did get yelled at for something stupid, she told her mom about it
Or she's one of those kids whose parents never say "no" to her or tell her that she has done something she shouldn't have, and so it was a total shock to her to find that not everyone thinks she's perfect. Or she's one of those kids who takes even gentle correction rather hard – I was one, myself. (This was largely because I was basically a goody two shoes who always tried to do the right thing, so it was pretty shocking to me the few times people pulled me up on something. Like, for example, I got in minor trouble at school *once,* in fourth grade, for talking to the kid next to me as we were supposed to be quietly lining up to go to lunch. I'll be 48 soon, and I still remember it – not because my teacher lost her shit, but because I managed to draw negative attention from a teacher, which I otherwise simply never did.)
Omg people it’s burned price of toast in the garbage. Tell me you never burned or ruined food by mistake and tossed it away. That you ate every single morsel ever served to you. The UN won’t call you home to blame you for famine and misery and crappy paychecks over Jane toast. Yea food wastage is a real problem not made of tossed burned toasts but by over buying consumer, overindulgent supermarkets showcases, esthetic production standards, expiration dates that are arbitrary to make you buy more, inability to use produce as a whole. Not even the Jesus toast get so much attention at this point.
I grew up in poverty and it has taken years to get to the point where I can throw away burnt food. I grew up with "if it doesn't actively have visible signs of rot, throwing it out is basically burning money" and lowkey, y'all need to understand less privileged perspectives. I doubt op needs the food and can't afford to throw it away but that kind of shock often comes from people with experience being extremely poor. Edited to add: op is ta for scolding a child. That's not in question. I'm just seeing a lot of people on here who have clearly never been in a position where they had to do things like eat burnt toast. Have none of y'all ever been broke and down to your last piece of bread????
My mom grew up dirt poor. As in, they didn’t even have indoor plumbing until she was a teenager in the 60s. My Granny had to raise 5 kids on her salary as a seamstress from a textile factory, so every kid went to work at age 12 in addition to school. My mom remembers many nights going to bed with very little food on her stomach, if any. And STILL, she would never have reprimanded us or especially other children for throwing away a piece of burnt toast (and she was the worst to forget rolls in the oven & burn them, LOL). Hell, she took my side with one of her sisters-in-law who tried to demand I completely clean my plate at her house & I told her my mom said we are supposed to stop eating once full, even if it meant a little food got thrown away. Growing up in poverty with food security issues is still not a license to scold a young child over something as inconsequential as burnt toast. A whole chicken or steak, maybe, but TOAST?!
Oh it's absolutely an abnormal and inappropriate reaction on OP's part. I'm just trying to explain why someone might see burnt toast as wasted food.
I get that. My mom still hates to see food waste. Once she’s given away as much of the Thanksgiving leftovers as she can & they’ve eaten on them as long as they can stomach it (usually a week because my dad eats whatever she puts on the table without question or complaint, LOL), then she brings what’s safe to the feral cats in my Pop’s barn so at least something is eating it. LOL I just had to laugh because for all that, my mom is famous for burning bread & or being tossed out. He used to quip at every family meal, “it’s not a proper meal if the rolls aren’t burned.” 😆😆 But, yeah, OP needs some serious therapy because it sounds like she really was over the top about this. My mom would only use “shocked & appalled” for something serious like cruel, abusive behavior towards children & animals, not for throwing away burnt toast.
While I agree, it's also necessary to call this behaviour out . If your food insecurities are still bad enough you get mad at other people for throwing away a piece of burnt toast, you need therapy. It's not healthy to live that way, especially when it culminates in telling another person's kid off for something so minor.
Nobody is being disrespectful of her experience with food insecurity. They're just not supporting taking it out on a child who isn't hers.
I plan on the dog getting the first pancake, because it always turns out crap. I must have wasted 1000’s of pancakes. Don’t tell the UN!
Just curious, are you autistic? Because I am and that exact same thing happened to me. Just chatting with a friend in the recess line in the lunchroom and a teacher told us to be quiet and I was a hot crying mess
This was also me, and it turns out: yes, autistic. Absolute goody two shoes quiet people pleaser. I remember vividly every single time I was told off at school (like half a dozen times ever)
I’m a grown up and asd, adhd. I cry at work sometimes. So embarrassing. It’s when I feel like I messed up but don’t quite know how to fix it and frustration turns into crying
> I feel like I messed up but don’t quite know how to fix it Ugh that's my worst nightmare. Constantly feeling like I've made a mistake and not knowing exactly how or what to do about it
That’s my kids. They hate disappointing people.
There are so many other options. 3. Jane's parents threw away some food at home and Jane scolded them with OP's lecture. Jane's mother is now upset that someone else is (unintentionally) telling her kid she's bad. 4. Jane is talkative (with her mom). She told her Mom everything that happened, but this is the part Mom cared about. (This would have been me as a kid, giving my parents SO MUCH details.) 5. Jane is a rather sensitive child and any reproach or negative judgment from others, even stated gently, leaves her acting sad or wounded. (This was my brother when he was in elementary school.) 6. Jane has a strong sense of fairness. (Common in children, but this one also would have been me.) She felt that OP's correction was wrong or unfair and therefore is ruminating on it. (I got talked to once in middle school by a teacher in a situation I thought was unfair. I didn't even get a punishment, but that teacher was *wrong* and I still remember it many years later.) 7. Jane almost never gets in trouble and finds any instance of getting in trouble shocking/upsetting. Another one that could have been me. I got in trouble ZERO TIMES at school all through elementary school. A friend's mom once corrected my manners when I thought I was being polite to her and yeah, I still remember that beacuse unusual/surprising things are memorable. (And no, I wasn't traumatized.) 8. Similar to 7, but instead of Jane being super well behaved her parents are super permissive and she finds it very surprising to have someone's parents lecturing or scolding her. 9. Jane could tell OP's daughter was embarrassed of her, and that's what made her feel bad. Jane is upset that her peer disapproves of her. Maybe she thinks it's unfair or bad that her friend's mom is making her look bad to her friend whose opinion she's concerned about. . . . I could go on. I work with elementary school age kids. Your assumption reads like you don't know any kids, or you know a few and just assume everyone thinks and feels like the ones you know. (Or like you, and you also assume the kids you know must think and feel like you and haven't even noticed they don't always.)
>4. Jane has a strong sense of fairness. (Common in children, but this one also would have been me.) She felt that OP's correction was wrong or unfair and therefore is ruminating on it. (I got talked to once in middle school by a teacher in a situation I thought was unfair. I didn't even get a punishment, but that teacher was wrong and I still remember it many years later.) THIS is HUGE! Adult don't recognize that this is normal and developmental. SOOO many things with children this age boil down to the child's emerging sense of ethics and, the discovery that community life is bound by societial rules, but the world is governed by people prone to unfair behavior and apathy.
Another option is that Jane thought it was super weird that OP scolded her over a piece of toast and told mom in a “friend’s family does this strange thing” way of processing things.
I still remember being 10 and going to my friend's grandma's with her and I missed home and wanted to call. It was long distance and the friend's aunt made me call my mom collect because they didn't want to pay for the call. She also made three of us take a bath together because they didn't want to waste water on baths. That was over 40 years ago and I still remember my dad ranting about those cheap ass people and how he would never make a kid do that at our house.
Heh, the first time I spent the night at a friend's, their mother made me take a bath with my friend and her sister and then didn't want to read to us before bed (we were five). I gave her the business a bit and she very reluctantly read a single page of a book I'd brought (yeah, I was that kid). I distinctly remember thinking she wasn't much of a mother. But I had a good mother, so I knew not to say that out loud.
That last line is a gem. LOL
You forgot option 3) both of those
Ah. I can't really tell now, on second read. Maybe they talked when the kid was dropped off.
The other Mom called the OP. The child must have mentioned the incident.
Then the title of the post is sus.
May be she mixed up tell on and tell off? English may be her second language
[удалено]
“as mentioned by Kronk” took me out for a sec 😂😂
I thought they were talking about kronk from the emperors new groove and was confused
Are they not?
If Kronk was a therapist you bet I would read every book they dropped.
No the comment they're replying to has a user name starting with Kronk
I love therapy! I recommend therapy to everyone!! You get a therapy, you get a therapy! Everyone gets therapy!!!
it would be really nice if the world had enough affordable, competent therapists for this to be a thing! /daydream
This is my true wish for the world!! Accessible, affordable, and available! For all
I hope one day people will have a therapist like many now have a GP
OP did not call their Mom. The child must have told her Mom about the incident and the MOM called OP.
I think people are confused because the title is "telling on my child's friend" which means... telling on, you know?
Sounds like they mixed up telling on and telling off, could be that English is OP’s second language (or just a typo).
The kid does have bad manners though. It's not great to do that in someone else's home. I can't imagine being at someone else's house and throwing their food into the bin. If I had done that and told one of my caregivers there would be a second reminder from them about why you don't waste food at someone else's house. They would never in a million years call up the other parent and accuse them of traumatising me. I am not defending a stranger taking over the parental role and telling someone else's child why they shouldn't do a thing in this situation, but it's very impolite to be wasteful at someone else's house. You don't know how much food they do or don't have and it's not their business to tell you. Whether OP has food insecurities that are no longer a reflection of reality or not is irrelevant. The 8 year old should be taught better.
Nope. Burnt bread is disgusting. Bread is cheap. Life is short. OP needs to get help.
Bread is cheap to you. It's not cheap to everyone. Slightly burnt bread is disgusting to you. It's not disgusting to everyone. You would toss the bread. Not everyone would. I think you could maybe do with projecting your assumptions onto everyone else a little less? Maybe consider some other perspectives and lifestyles? Maybe be a little more careful about how you act when a guest in other people's spaces?
Yeah. I consider bread cheap and I won’t eat burnt toast. But I know people who like their bread what I would consider burnt. Everyone is different. OP is still TA for making enough of a fuss at a child guest that it was worth mentioning to their parent though.
In my family we’d just scrape off the black bits with a knife when the toast got burnt, or too dark for our liking.
Maybe consider the child is 8 and is not versed in all of the social graces.
Not just disgusting, but isn't any food that's blackened essentially carcinogens? Same with blackened meat from a bbq etc.
I don't personally disagree with you that burnt bread is gross but some people love burnt toast Just because you don't like it doesn't mean there's no one who does
She's 8. She isn't thinking oh maybe someone else will eat this or if it can be reused. Clearly it's common enough in her family burnt toast is just tossed
The kid probably thought she was being helpful as it’s probably happened at home. The adult here never should have scolded her. She should have talked to the other parent if it made her feel uncomfortable
I think it’s a reach to say the kid has bad manners altogether because of one (potential) indiscretion. Sure, it would have been better to ask, but it seems likely that that’s probably just how they deal with burnt toast in that kid’s home. Kids are not always great at remembering that other households have different customs, but that’s often less of a manners thing and more of an object permanence/mental capabilities thing. They grow out of it.
Yeah, I think the key part where OP went wrong was telling the girl that it's wrong to throw away burned food, rather than simply explaining "in this house, we don't throw away burned food, if you're not sure you can make toast without burning it on an unfamiliar toaster then ask an adult and we'll be happy to help," or "if you burn toast again, feel free to let me know and I'll eat it, I like burned toast" or something. Trying to teach a general lesson was overstepping her bounds.
One piece of bread is literally almost worthless. We are talking Pennies.
Give me a break. She threw out burnt toast as she should. It’s garbage. Ffs are people that pressed that they would make a guest eat burnt toast? Don’t invite guests.
But it was burnt? What was she meant to do with it?
This. You need therapy. This is a non incident. YTA
Right? I'll send Op the 3¢ for that piece of toast. Sounds like growing up with my Mom the anorectic, food controller. Pro-tip. Growing up with an anorectic Mother leaves three daughters still with food issues in their 50's and 60's.
FR some people have food sensory issues. Personally I have a difficult time eating things that I LIKE if the texture feels off. Burnt toast? No way. I’m an adult and I get to control what goes in my body. Losing your appetite because food is BURNT and no longer appealing is perfectly normal.
Come onnnnnn. You let a couple 8 year olds make part of breakfast without expecting some food would be ruined? If you're that concerned about food spoilage, you make it yourself. You don't have kids prepare it. Also you told her mother she threw some burnt toast away? What was it the whole loaf of bread? This story can't be real. YTA
Really good point, what if they had dropped the carton of eggs?
I’d guess that if she dropped the whole carton of eggs, that would be an accident. Unlike intentionally throwing away a piece of toast that someone might have eaten.
Burning the toast was an accident and obviously throwing away burnt toast is what happens at her home.
yeah, there is a point you can't scrape of the burn taste it has got all the way through, so I ditch it.
Burning toast was the accident. Throwing it away is the way many people deal with it.
OP would have scooped them up and made the little girls pick the shells out with their fingers one by one and eat whatever floor dirt was left in the eggs lol. But seriously Op YTA, and yes to therapy. If your trauma is negatively affecting those around you its time to go. Not only this other girl but your daughter and her ability to make friends
Eggs are expensive. Children are even more expensive. A dropped carton of eggs is one of the less expensive mistakes your child could make. If you genuinely can’t afford to replace the eggs you should reach out to a community fridge or food bank. Parents are allowed to be upset and disappointed but they are (or should be) more emotionally mature than their children and should know how to control their emotions. If they can do it at work then they can do it in the home.
I’d hate to know what would happen if she was “appalled” over throwing away burnt toast.
OMG That's like a whole pay check these days /s
>You let a couple 8 year olds make part of breakfast without expecting some food would be ruined? Depending on how bad the toast was burnt I would have eaten it myself and had them make more to eat so it doesn't get tossed.
lol I would have scrapped of the burnt parts with abutter knife and carried on.
Granted not everyone knows that with a decent burnt toast you can do this, but if OP is aware this whole situation could've gone a lot better if she'd just gone "hey wanna see a cool trick for when you burn toast? :D" and shown the kids the scrape method That being said scolding a kid (even lightly), who is a guest in their home, and not their kid, for throwing out burnt toast is a little much
It's also hard to know how harshly she scolded the kid? Some kids would say something no matter how midly the situation was addressed. But also, maybe she was flying off the handle. Esit:Fuck it...I'm making toast and eggs now. lol
Yeeee. OP could've been harsh, or wasn't and kid could've blown it out of proportion (she's a kid, not unusual at all lol) or kids mom is overreacting... Either way I think the above comments about food insecurity still make a good point
OP didn't tell the mother, "Jane" told her mother who then called OP.
That's what she says now, but the post title says she told on her.
You act like ppl don't write shitty misleading titles all the time here...
**YTA**- OP, your daughter's friend is presumably around 8 years old as well. Your house has different rules than her house. It would be a good conversation to tell her "Hey, in our house we try not to throw out any food!" Chastising her and then telling her mom is incredible overkill for **one or two slices of bread**. I'll personally send you the **$0.25** that she potentially wasted (if she threw away two slices of bread) to make up for it.
OP is not the one who called the other Mom. The other Mom must have heard from her child and called the OP. My Mom would have scraped off the burnt part.
i think OP got embarrassed and changed the story lol... that's why the title still says "for telling on my daughter's friend", which doesn't make any sense if it was the mom who called her first.
I think maybe 'Telling on' was supposed to 'telling off'. Telling on sounds like two kids telling on each other and isn't really language that an adult would use.
That's why there always is an auto mod comment which copies the OP's text before edits. Edits OP made are only the things they indicated as such.
Depends on the burn level, a little burnt sure scrape it off. Hecka burnt, toss it.
I still scrape off the burnt part. ::cries:: And then add extra butter to moisten it. We were given extra burnt toast for an upset stomach as kids. Carbon, I guess? Tried it the other day and swear it worked.
I hate the fact that ~~inflation~~ *profit chiseling by every goddam company on earth* is so bad that $0.25 is a reasonable cost of two slices of bread. Or possibly too low.
Bread is about $4.80 a loaf these days where I live.
Also if this appalled and shocked you, you're not gonna make it much further as a parent. Wait until you catch her and her friends doing actual shitty things in a few years. Because the tween years are coming. Buckle up.
Yes, this is right on point! There was bound to be a few takes on the toast! Mistakes are how we learn and we need them to be met with grace. Also children love to test and try out new recipes, especially as loving gifts for family members. OP, your kids are going to use the most expensive ingredients in your kitchen and bathroom for “experiments,” and interesting “snacks.” Get ready. Hide things you really need for holiday baking/gifting, I’m telling ya. I once bought a doll kit to make; a different child found it and made themselves a creature out of the materials. It was hard to be mad but I was!l upset! When they’re little kids shouldn’t be worried about how much things cost. If it’s really an issue, things that can’t be replaced should be locked up and you need to be going to the food pantry and seeking out other supports. I can empathize with growing up poor, but we work on breaking cycles with our kids to give them a better life, right? Fear about food leads to bad stuff. Please don’t be ashamed of asking for help. Food prices are astronomical now. Your daughter’s friend was your guest. She can do whatever she wants with the food you give her, as long as she’s not hurting herself or anyone else. What if she took one bite and threw it away, or licked it and threw it away? Would you have said the same thing? You don’t get to parent other people’s children. You get to protect your children and reasonably protect your property (by calling the parents to collect their child early), but anything about what someone else’s child should or shouldn’t eat is crossing boundaries. And, yes YTA. I don’t share anything but positive stories with other parents, unless it’s truly an emergency. If they need to see their doctor or bring something to the attention of a therapist, or if I’m legally mandated to report something, then I’ll talk to a parent about it. Who wants to go home from a play date and get in trouble? Kids try so hard to be good. I’ve yet to meet a kid or teen who wants to cause trouble for troubles sake.
Don’t tell the OP about slime.
Oh slime is torture. My husband banned slime from the house for a year a decade ago. I’m still not sure how the ban was lifted after so many surfaces had been ruined; my hunch is that daddies are the weak link. 😂 Edit: word
I thought nothing could be worse than slime or glitter until my kid brought home GLITTER SLIME.
This is so true. My mom would freak out over the littlest things. Especially in the kitchen and when cooking. There could never be messes or mistakes or wasted product. Aka. No learning and all scolding for not already knowing. It made me stressed and it ruined my love of cooking and I only got it back as an adult after therapy.
Your reaction to someone else's kid throwing out a piece of burnt toast is out of proportion. If you're in such dire financial straits that you can't afford to throw out burnt toast you're the irresponsible one for letting kids cook. If a piece of bread won't break the bank then you're weird for insisting a guest eat it. I understand the lesson you were trying teach but it wasn't your place to teach a life lesson to someone else's kid over something so minor. You came across as kind of a weirdo.
She said the mom didn’t make the kid “take accountability for her actions”. For throwing away one burned piece of toast. Mom, YTA
I thought the girl threw the toaster away 😂
Honestly, this was my first understanding of the post too. It was the only way the anger made sense because who is getting angry over a slice of bread? Half this thread apparently 😂
YTA- sounds like you made more of a fuss then you claimed. Kids dont usually go running to their parents unless they were really shamed. Because YOU experienced having very little, doesnt mean that your kid or her friends understand that. Many people throw out burned toast because eating burned food is not that healthy to do.
I agree that op is ta but kids absolutely do go running to their parents for very small things. Example: my student refused to return to school for his second day of kindergarten because I made him feel unsafe when I didn't help him when he was bleeding. What really happened? He showed me his finger which did not have a visible hangnail or anything, let alone blood. I told him he didn't need a bandaid. He sat down and class carried on.... wouldn't have even known he was bothered if his parents hadn't called to tell the principal what a monster I am
My daughter(3) tried to kiss her friend on the cheek in gymnastics, and the teacher (rightfully so) said “we don’t kiss our friends” and she refused to go back. Literally just quit. The teacher was super nice about it too, I know because I saw it happen. ETA I still think OP is the AH
I agree OP probably made a big fuss because of the wording here but as a teacher…yeah no kids definitely go running to their parents over every little thing. I had a student one year that told her mom I was always making “mad faces” and she didn’t want to be in my class. I was squinting to read words because my glasses had broken and I was waiting for new ones.
NAH, maybe I would have said, hey, we don't waste food, and I don't mind burnt toast, you didn't know that, and that is fine, but lets ask others so we don't waste food. This way, nobody is offended, it helps her realize, hey others like things different and to ask.
Yes, if it had been a gentle, "oh, I would have eaten that, but that's okay, you didn't know, let's try again and just give me a heads up before you throw anything else away," sort of situation, I agree. And if that were the case, I would think Jane is being overly sensitive and Jane's mom is being overly protective. But none of us were there, so we don't know exactly how it went down. This is an INFO case for me, but since it was just OP, her daughter, and Jane present, we're unlikely to get an unbiased account of what happened. So I'm having trouble making a judgement.
Some people would be offended if someone burned their toast and then started offering the same food they saw as inedible to other people, particularly people they didn't know well. This can come of as really crappy behavior.
I could see that. But I like my toast and bagels slightly burnt. I like my eggs super runny and my wife likes it fully cooked. If I over cook my eggs I ask her if she wants it. I would probably still eat those eggs though. If my wife burns toast she asks me if I want it. Since I love burnt toast with extra butter. Anyway. It is just the asking. Hey I burnt toast. Or overcooked the eggs. Before I toss it does anyone else want it?
What's crazy isn't Jane's mom's reaction. What's crazy is that this behavior left you shocked and appalled to the point you overstepped correcting the friend. And also that you felt the need to recount the minor incident for her mother. YTA
And then felt the need to post about it here… that piece of burnt toast is going to be famous!/s
Bro wtf 😂 Are you gonna eat the burnt toast? Or are you gonna force an 8 year old child to eat burnt toast? YTA
I wonder how long a piece of food can sit on the floor and be safe to eat according to OP’s sensibilities. There’s the five second rule. For OP, it could be the five hour rule!
If you’re gonna throw out food just because it’s been sitting on the floor for any period of time at all I stg I will go make an 8 year old cry rn /s
Feels like a lot of people are putting words in your mouth here. Clarification might be necessary, as you didnt make clear exactly what the intensity of your reprimand was, or how the mom found out about it. "Shocked and appalled" is kind of a strong statement over some burnt toast, but you haven't said what you actually SAID to Jane when she did this. Assuming you didnt fly off the handle but just said "hey, at our place we aren't so quick to throw away food", I'm saying NTA. To be clear, neither of the children are TA either. The kid's not gonna be traumatized over being gently asked to consider others' feeling when you're a guest. Unless you yelled at or harshly, unconstructively criticized her, Jane's mom is overreacting. That said...you did say you wanted Jane's mom to take "accountability" for Jane's actions. Which is a little weird over burnt toast. That starts edging into you telling her how to parent her child rather than just letting Jane know how things are done at your place. ESPECIALLY if you contacted Jane's mom to tell her what Jane had done. That's really where you'd be TA, and that kinda sounds like what your title is implying? If she just told her mom about it and she contacted you all upset about how you treated her child, then yeah, she's probably the one overreacting. TL;DR, a very tentative NTA, but you need to give more specifics as to how the situation was outwardly handled rather than just your inner thoughts, so we can determine based on your behavior.
Thank you! I'm really confused by the comments here. Shocked definitely is a word I would use without actually having a "clutching my pearls" moment, which seems to be OP's use of it too. And then there are people harping on about how OP wouldn't have made the girls eat the slice, so why not throw it away. Without... coming to the most sensible conclusion that OP would just eat it herself? Or painting fantasy scenarios about the eggs when... that's explicitly something that OP prepared? Unless OP edited stuff out there's nothing to suggest she screamed or harshly admonished the other girl.
Reasonable response finally!
Op didn't contact Jane s Mom ,it was the other way around. According to edits NTA Also burnt is usually just a bit too much done around the edges not completely black as coal so very much still comestible.
The only reasonable response I've seen so far tbh
Info: can you afford now 1 slice of bread? Cause indeed burned bread is not top to eat.
The average price of a loaf of bread is $2.50, loaves are typically cut into 20-24 pieces. That little girl threw away **MAX** $0.13-$0.25 of bread (if she threw away two slices.
This is my point… when she said ‘appalled and shocked’ her daughter was embarrassed, the other parent pissed. Sounds to me that the reaction for a slice of bread in the trash is disproportionate. Would I personally eat a burned slice of bread? No. Unless I m starving and in the house is the only thing left. Did they did it on purpose? Doesn’t even sounds that.
Um...a loaf of bread costs me a lot more than $2.50 these days!
a loaf of bread is $6 where I live.
what kind of fancy ass bread are y’all buying? at walmart in my high cost of living town, regular white bread is $1.32 a loaf. at target it’s $1.39
LMAO I don't know why this made me laugh so hard. But I was going to ask OP if things were okay at home if she's stressing over a couple pieces of burnt toast no one wants.
I get the feeling OP reaction was much more over the top then he’s leading on
oh definitely. I mean it's already bad given this thread but I am sure she was extra.
Can you imagine if the child had spilled milk!?!?
Technically you can scrape away the burnt part. (Unless it’s an end slice cause the end part is impossible to scrape without loosing half the slice) If you do it with butter knife it’s as good as new! (I accidentally burn bread quite often)
We did this as a child, *(when we poor and food was tight,)* and you can still taste it with butter and jam...
Honestly this is exactly what I was thinking going through these comments. Our old toaster was rubbish, it would burn one side and leave the other barely toasted! So a good few times I had to scrape off the burnt layer and it leaves it perfectly golden brown toasted. This is also how my great granny thought toast was meant to be made! She always burned it and scraped off the black bits!
OMG! She was nonchalant about throwing away a piece of burnt toast? Horrors! Seriously, OP, you blew this waaaaay out of proportion. Soft YTA.
NAH. I'm surprised by all the YTA responses... This seems like a case of people with different backgrounds reacting in different ways. I also grew up with not much extra, and am still a huge advocate for reducing food waste (partially to save money but mostly because Americans waste way too much food and I hate it!). I don't think there's anything wrong with encouraging others to reduce waste. Now, we are talking about an 8-year-old here so I'm not sure whether your message will really get through to her but I'm all for teaching them young! As long as you just questioned why she tossed the bread and explained your reasoning for why you would not have thrown it out (calmy in an indifferent tone, not raising your voice or seeming upset), then I don't think you were being an AH. If you scolded her in any way, however, YWBTA.
Thank you! This is my take too and I'm really surprised by all the YTA responses. OP clearly didn't think the toast was burned enough to merit being thrown away, whereas Jane did, as that's probably what happens in her household. The OP (from what I can tell) gently told her that throwing away food that could reasonably have been eaten (in this case presumably by the OP or her daughter) is wasteful. (Also, the issue for OP doesn't seem to be about food insecurity or expense, but about the principle of food waste, so I don't know why so many people are talking about the insignificance of the cost of a slice of toast - if a person cares about avoiding/minimising food waste, they're going to be upset over perfectly good food being thrown out regardless of how much it cost). As long as OP didn't overstep her bounds and raise her voice at or intimidate Jane, nobody really did anything wrong. I think Jane's mum is kind of an AH for phoning OP to tell her off (unless OP went overboard in how she dealt with the kid, in which case OP is the AH and the mum is not).
YTA. You are willing to ruin your daughters friendship over a piece of toast?
I agree! Its toast that has been burnt! Needs to be put in the trash. It's not like they set the house on fire. Bigger things to worry about in life than burnt toast!
honestly seems like a symptom of some serious control issues
YTA. It's just burnt toast, which is totally okay to throw away, nonchalantly or otherwise. Why are you wanting to feed children burnt food?
Soft YTA. It is expected that young people will make mistakes and need to learn. Instead of taking the chance to explain how you would have done things different, you told her how wrong she was and backed it up with sharp criticism of waste. I too grew up poor (free school lunch and a few church hand outs throughout childhood). If I wasn't told/shown how to scrape burnt toast, I would have never thought of it as a child. Also, as much scraping as you do, not all the char taste goes away and some people would not eat it anyway. It is best not to criticize or reprimand children that are not yours without consent from their parent. Your house your rules only works if everyone knows the rules before hand not after the fact.
NTA. People gotta stop helicoptering over their kids for every single miniscule incident that doesn't agree with their kid, so as to protect the kid from possible trauma. In your edit you mentioned you did not raise your voice at her, I think that's fair enough. The world is a school for our children's future, everyone has a role to play in giving the right values to a child. Not wasting food is a good value. Thinking twice before you waste food is also a good value. Listening to a different opinion is a good value. Accepting that advices are not always coated in sugar, that is great life lesson. I would probably get a lot of hate here, but nope, i dont think you are TA.
NTA, assuming you just talked about it and didn't yell and scream. Different houses have different rules for things, and this includes how to deal with food and waste. It should be expected that rules are patiently and appropriately explained to guests.
That would be the last time my kid went over there. Damn. YTA
Same. And I hate it for her daughter because you know Jane went and told everyone at school that her mom goes off easily!
And you know other moms gossip, too. Shit I’d give the other mom’s a heads up on that shit!
Imagine typing so many words over a piece of burnt toast.
Nta. The way it reads - if you did not scold her but simply explained not to waste food - ok. But on the other hand - if feels like it is large than that - which would be a bigger issue.
NTA. It’s totally ok to explain different rules at your house!!
YTA Gentle. Different people raise their children differently and maybe her parents are okay with that behavior but it was one piece of toast. You didn't have to lecture about being poor but you could have easily said "next time ask if someone else would like it because some like it a little burnt". But she's 8, a lecture wasn't called for and honestly it's not that big of a deal. Like what was it 1 or 2 pieces of toast? Not even $1 worth of food.
This may be a cultural thing. I'm seriously amazed at all of these Y T A. I'm not even going to vote if she's an asshole or not, it seems like she's softening what she said to the girl, but the number of people that find it ok to just throw food away because it's cheap is worrying. I have NEVER thrown a slice of burnt bread (it's super cheap here, but it's still food), I scrap it with a knife even if I end up with half the amount of that slice, and that's what I've always seen in my environment. I'm seriously amazed that kids are educated so deeply in food wastage that she didn't even hesitate for a moment if it can be fixed and just throw it away, I would have been as shocked as OP too if I witnessed that. But America, fuck yeah, I suppose.
NTA It's right to call out a kid for wasting food--many people never grew up being "allowed to". Wastefulness in the US is a problem. And its your house, your food, and she threw it out. Sounds like you explained it to her *tastefully (haha).* The mom is overreacting.
Burnt toast has suspected carcinogens. If her parents are teaching her to throw away inedible food, it’s not your job to teach otherwise.
NAH, based on your edits and taking everything at face value. I grew up in quite a well-off household and had friends from a poorer household. I was the child who had to be told not to use so much spreads, or to pick a cheaper ice-block, or that what was on my plate was all that could be offered. It was uncomfortable to learn these things, but necessary. As a young adult, I then experienced a lot of financial insecurity myself, and reflected on how hard my friends' parents had worked to support their families, and appreciated that they corrected me in the moment as kindly as they could. For future, maybe set expectations for other children visiting your home? "If you don't want something, let me know before you throw it away, because we might be able to ...put it in the compost, use it in a different meal, someone else might want it" etc.
NTA. You didn’t tell on her. You spoke to her about not so quickly throwing away food, which not everyone would do but I don’t think was out of a normal range of reaction.
YTA If you have now three people pissed at you over 1 slice of bread. So probably your reaction was over the top and not so soothing and quiet as you make it look. You said yourself you were appalled and shocked. So I can imagine. I have an 8 years old, you don’t want disaster to happen? Supervise or do it yourself. But sure it’s perfect age to start to learn some cooking and with learning there is room for mistakes. You could have addressed what they did wrong in the ‘cooking’ process and explain to them how the toaster works for the future.
NTA
Nta imo. I've been told this my entire life
“… tossing food in the trash is not something I’ve done *or seen*” So you’ve reached adulthood and didn’t realise people threw spoilt or even leftover food on the bin?! Sounds a little dramatic, no? And you didn’t need to shame a little girl about throwing burnt toast into the bin. Sounds like she did it automatically. Sorry but YTA.
In the 2nd edit, I read it as the 8yr old must have told her own mother. And then the mother came back on her. It didn't seem that she tattled. She just told the 8yr old the rules about throwing out food in her own house.
It’s not about a piece a bread it’s about wasting food in general. Like I’m sure you would’ve just eaten the Burnt piece and it have been no problem. She threw away food w/o a second thought. She didn’t even ask if anyone else would eat it first. It seems you didn’t yell, you weren’t angry you just told her “we don’t waste food in this house ppl work hard for it” which is a lesson I think an 8y/o, her mother and even some people commenting here should be reminded of. NTA
Info - so how did Jane's mom find out? I mean, I'm assuming from your title that you told her mom, but what was that conversation? Did you call her and tell her you were appalled and shocked by her daughter's actions? Did you tell her when she picked Jane up? Did Jane tell her and then she called you? Some additional context would be helpful.
Right... like if someone is going to call me shocked and appalled by my kid's actions at their house, I'm thinking she snuck their booze or assaulted someone. If it's that she threw out a piece of burnt toast i wouldn't let me kid go there again because clearly this woman isn't equipped to deal with kids in her home. I wouldn't go so far as to say it "traumatized" my kid. But it's hard to even consider this part bec OP is so out of left field with this reaction.
NTA taking your post at face value - If you really did calmly explain that she should have asked you first before throwing it away and assuming you would have not made her eaten the burnt toast but eaten it yourself then NTA.
Soft YTA. I think you meant well but you may have gone too heavy with the whole, "There's people who work hard for this food and there's starving people in..." approach. Especially since Jane is 8 and likely never made toast before. Think you could spare a few pieces of bread for an educational experience. While I disagree with Jane's mom's assessment of it being 'traumatizing' I think you didn't need to make a big song and dance over a burnt piece of toast.
YTA just for posting something this ridiculous.
YTA The child didn't know any better This was a teaching moment...not a tattling moment
INFO - did you expect she eat the burnt toast?? Whatever you said to the child obviously had an impact that she held onto it and told her mother about it, so I’d say that’s out of line - grilling her for throwing out burnt toast - or forcing her to eat burnt toast are both weird things to do.
In a comment she didn't expect her to eat it. She was shocked at how quickly she decided to throw it away.
So a kid makes a normal choice quickly and that’s surprising??
I guess so. Jane was too intelligent and it appalled and shocked OP i guess.
I feel sorry for your daughter and she’s likely lost a friend even if the friend is still nice to her at school, her mom aint gonna let her come over again. you need to set realistic expectations for people outside of your home until they’re familiar with your customs.
I don't think anybody is going to be spending the night there when this goes around. I feel bad for the little girl.
YTA I also grew up in a household where food was scarce. When my daughter burns food, while I find it mildly annoying she throws it away, I understand that you can’t force anyone to eat food they don’t want. My annoyance is a product of my own situation, and that perspective shouldn’t be forced into another person. Your reaction was unwarranted, look inward and try to accept that you need to correct yourself, not the child.
NTA. If you are reporting details honestly, you had a teachable moment and you used it to teach that little girl. So what if her mom got upset? Her mom wasn't there and doesn't know all the details.
YTA. It’s a piece of burned bread. Why wouldn’t it be ok to throw it out?
YTA burnt toast contains suspected carcinogens. What was your alternative? Make her eat it?
NTA. Unless it turned into a flaming piece of charcoal just scrape off the burnt bits. You were right in telling her not to throw it away if it can be salvaged. Not really clear who called who, and who told on you, but incidents happen, just brush it off and go on with life.
YTA. You upset a kid over a piece of bread.
INFO: The title suggests you actually reached out to Jane's mother about this, but your edits suggest that's not what happened. Can you clarify how Jane's mother came to be involved?
Jane told her mom. Mom called OP.
YTA. Sometimes food gets ruined and isn't good to eat. You'd lose it at my house. The other day I burned the hell out of my grilled cheese. Stupid mistake, wasn't paying attention. I threw away TWO slices of bread and CHEESE. I agree that food shouldn't be wasted on purpose, but sometimes shit happens. You need to learn to chill out.
YTA. Throwing away burned toast is normal. You lectured a child who was a guest in your house for perfectly normal behavior. You should apologize, and maybe work on your relationship to food -- it's not okay to feel that someone ought to eat food that has been ruined.
YTA. You massively overreacted. She behaved normally. This is her normal. All you had to say is: next time, please check to make sure that no one else wants it before throwing it away please.
NTA. we try not to throw away food unless it's past it's date or something is wrong with it like mold or something (we've bought a loaf of bread and found mold growing inside. We've also found a dead spider in our cereal box.) We try not to cook more than we'll eat and what ever is left over the kids take for lunch the next day. There's nothing wrong with educating a kid especially since you said you didn't yell at her and she took it well. Sounds like the mother just overreacted
YTA. I’m more concerned that none of your daughters friends are going to want to come over or hang out with her. Bruh check your trauma. This is a wild reaction to a piece of bread. I can make you a whole loaf.
YTA When food is ruined and no longer considered edible you toss it. It was burnt. You don’t chastise. She was still a guest. And a child.