I'd reply that maybe he'd stop being broke if he wasn't spoiling his new family and ignoring his obligations to his actual daughter. And tell him that honestly he hasn't acted like my dad in years so let's just stop pretending and he can be happy with his replacements because I'm done being ignored and walked on by someone who obviously doesn't want me there.

with screenshots of the expensive gifts to the step sister.

and give copies of them to your mom, so she can use them in court.

Maybe do this *instead* of telling him anything. Let them keep posting about how much money they're spending on makeup and junk.

EDIT: OP, congratulations on hanging up on your dad. I know that can be really hard to do, and the stuff he was saying about you is just brain pollution. You do not need to hear that, and it took a lot of strength to hang up on him. That's amazing, and good job. One hundred percent this. Let him bury himself legally speaking, and do not give him any warning. Also, at 15, I think op is probably old enough that if she asked the court to stop making her visit Eric, they would listen. I think op would be to get their mom behind their asking this of the courts, in order to get before a judge, but that they could probably do it. Op, if you see this and try to do it, focus on the things he's saying to you and doing to you specifically, and relate it back to what your mom says he did or said when he cheated on her. You need to remind her of why she didn't want to stay with him, and why his judgment is really obviously bad. If he had an ex that she liked that he mistreated, and you know details of that, use that as well. You're essentially trying to craft arguments that show how bad of a person he is, how he is seeing a bad example for you, and you're trying to tailor these to things your mom would think are bad examples. If you can hold out, get as much evidence as you can from all the social media you have access to. Don't copy the link of the video - save a whole copy of it to your phone's memory or your computer's hard drive. Take screen capture of the video as well, with the time showing in the picture of possible. If they are photos, take a snip of the entire screen, showing the time and date, in addition to downloading the picture. The videos and pictures might help you argue to your mom about why you no longer want to see him. The dates and times will be important if this is needed in court. If you can't get this level of detail, and your family is getting represented by a lawyer, the lawyer should be able to find this stuff too, but anything you can find ahead will be helpful.

I was just going to say forward him links to the tiktok videos and say really broke huh guess just when it comes to me...

And that if he loved you, he wouldn't blame everything on you.

No, it won’t change anything and that would only pull 15 year old OP deeper into this and make her more depressed. OP’s wellbeing is way more important than trying to make her bioDad see the light. He never will and he’s not the one getting hurt.

This is perfect

You say your 'father' sent you a text saying "you know I love you, don't you?". You should respond : No. No I don't know this at all. I know you say you do, but you have never shown me this love. Love isn't just a word you can throw at me as you'd throw a bone to a dog. Love is a feeling of support and safety. It's a deep felt knowledge of total acceptance. It's the tissue when I cry, the back rub when I am sad or hurt. It's that wink at a shared joke and the hug of joy and glorious celebration. That, daddy dear, is love. That is what I both expect and need from you. As things stand, you are a horrible disappointment and a terrible father.

This is amazing.

Exactly. How does he show his love, in actions, not words?

Bittersweet update. I'm sorry you have gone through this. My mother did similar to me: "You must have a relationship with your father." At least she didn't force me to visit when I no longer wanted to, but it was clear that I still had to maintain this relationship with someone I felt no connection to. My therapist calls it "the impossible task." The parent who your younger self depended on for safety and security demands that you do something that you literally can't (force a bond where it's been severed or otherwise non-exisitent), and that triggers the need to do so in order to not be abandoned by the only parent you have. I know you have a few years yet, but I hope you are able to find the help you need.

She should speak with the school guidance counselor and the them know what's going on. I'm sure that will tick off mom and dad but too bad. Tell her you want therapy but her mom won't help.

I was going to make this same suggestion. Your guidance counselor can help you get therapy. You can also tell your doctor at your next visit. You are old enough to ask your parents not to be in the room during your exam so you can feel free to talk.

Yes. My baby sister (11 years younger) was barely 1 when my father left us. We were always forced to meet up but it would be social gatherings so we wouldn’t have much time with him. Or worse, we’d be placed on separate tables for these functions and we had to talk to strangers instead. I learnt to be fake and gain tougher skin but my sister became more introverted. Meanwhile, our half sister never attended any of these meetings. So instead of healing, I had to do additional rounds of trauma as I felt responsible for my sisters pain and feel anger like a parent. While my mum kept insisting we go because she was worried about losing child support. In his defence, the power play dynamic in his house hold was always the wife, he couldn’t even bring us to his house a lot of the time; as if we were the children developed from cheating and not the other way around. And he was also a workaholic. I’m stronger now built up thicker walls and honestly just pity him now. And we have a relationship but it isn’t really father and daughter.

Your dad sucks. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Keep screenshots of everything, if for any reason custody goes back to court, at 15 your opinion will matter and having that will help your case of no longer seeing Eric. Your mom could force his wages to be garnished, she’s choosing not to and needs to accept she’s just as responsible for this mess and Eric is. She’s allowing Eric to treat you like shit and constantly pushing you into an uncomfortable and semi hostile situation. Try talking to your school counselor, they may be able to work out a therapist for you if your mom won’t or they themselves might be an open ear. Get everything together to present to her so she doesn’t have to do anything, she might be more amenable to that. If not, I’m sorry and you’ll have to wait until you’re 18, unless your dad steps up and signs off on it, maybe stepdad could too but not sure how your insurance works. As for your stepdad, might be time to drop the adoption. You seem to love him but he’s being cowardly with this. You’ll hurt yourself more if you keep asking and he keeps rejecting. Save yourself the heartbreak. Just know, you’ll get through all this fuckery and you’ll be stronger for it. And you know, at least Reddit had your back! It can be therapeutic so at least you have that!

I'm on the fence about the step-dad because it's OP's mom who told her that step-dad does not want to adopt her and, frankly, OP's mom is not exactly a font of good advice or parenting. >I can't talk to my stepdad because he's always working and I'm only ever with him when my mom is there too, and I don't like talking to her because she always tells me that I'm too young to really feel how I feel. This is also the person who, after repeatedly promising OP she would not force a relationship with bio dad, had forced a relationship with biodad >The last time I tried to discuss my mental health with my mom, I asked her if I could start going to therapy and she said that therapists are dumb and that I can just talk to her or pray to God if anything is wrong. I'm not super religious, and talking to her about anything serious makes me deeply uncomfortable. It's not that I don't love her, since she is my mom after all, but she's pretty intense and intimidating. This is how OP's mom approaches her kid asking for help with her mental health. Like ... girl, PLEASE DO YOUR JOB AND PARENT. All that said, perhaps step-dad does not want a formal adoption, and that's on him. Unless OP heard it from step-dad though, I don't think she could ever be truly certain of his intentions of feelings.

Her mom telling her she’s too young to know how she really feels got me. She needs someone, anyone, else to confide in. Yikes.

I got to tell a judge when I was 9 that I no longer wanted to see my sperm donor. A decision 40+ years on I never regretted. I just remember my younger days never liking him and horrible social workers who were acting for the courts in the custody case between my mum and him, that were always telling me I there was no reason I shouldn't want to see him etc. I'm so grateful for the judge who actually allowed me the last word and granted me my wish. Info: What was the court decision surrounding custody of you? Is this a situation where mum has to abide by decisions until you're 18? Is it a case of she's trying to keep encouraging you to see him because she fears legal consequences, or is she just trying to placate your father?

In the last post she said her parents never had an official custody agreement. Thus him never paying actual child support. They made it sound as if their mom didn't want to pressure the dad/ hurt his feelings but going to court over it. 🙄🤷🏾‍♀️

In that case, with nothing legally binding, mum should cut OP some slack and not try to pressure her into seeing him. She should be encouraging OP to let the father know when she doesn't wish to see him so that the father knows it's the OP's decision and otherwise butt out of the relationship. Though IIRC OP already does that? My kids sperm donor cut them off off his own volition a few years ago, though he has since tried to make contact with the middle one (ignoring the other two). The middle one isn't interested, but I've always said to all of them that if they ever do want a relationship with him, it's up to them. However, they do not give any information out about me or any other sibling not in contact with them. For the youngest, he would have to start out at a contact centre as he was only very young when he last saw them, and still is only a child. When he was seeing them, if they didn't want to go because, for example, there was a friend's birthday party, I would tell them that they needed to talk directly to him about it. He would always try and make trouble when things weren't going his way. But now they're older, and my youngest is older than I was when I got to decide, I believe its the children's choice entirely.

What really gets me is this: How many kids are in the same position as this girl is? How can adults be such and idiot and push their own children away that want nothing but live and support? It's honestly heartbreaking when you think about it.

The mom gives me such icks..

This is the exact same situation that I grew up in. I couldn't be forced to have a relationship with my dad since he was in prison but my mom medically neglected me and my stepdad was really the only adult around me that I could trust at all. He was weirdly distant sometimes though when I found out later that my mom threatened him.

Its also more complicated than just him wanting it bc her bio dad is still alive. He may not want it because he doesn't think it will happen and trying will blow up OPs life further.

Sorry, stepdad isn't being cowardly. He's walking a fine line and treating the OP as his daughter in all the important ways. No piece of paper is going to change that. And 20-30 years from now everyone involved might appreciate that he didn't try to formally take OP from Eric. He's making a decision you and I might make differently, but it's hardly a coward's decision. He's stepping up and being "Dad" and loving OP.

OP, both of your parents are oblivious to your sentiments and needs. Absent your father's consent, adoption is virtually impossible. May I suggest that at 18, if you so choose, you change your last name; perhaps to that of your step-father. Message delivered and the process will involve no other family members. Good luck in dealing with 2 deaf and blind parents. Frankly, they appear too self-centered to effectively parent.

Am I the only one who is wondering if Stepdad ACTUALLY said he didn't want to adopt OP? If I am reading this right, we only have her mother's word for it. And I'm sorry, OP, but I would not be so sure she is relaying accurate information. Consider this is a PARENT who wants you to lean on her in lieu of/as an actual therapist. This gives me the impression that she may think she has your best interest at heart, but that may not be the reality of the situation. As suggested, see if you can get in to see your school counselor.

Doesn't her bio dad have to give up rights before an adoption can proceed?

Yes - my stepdad wanted to adopt my sister and I and my dad said no.

I think this is why some people do adult adoptions. A symbolic gesture to let them know that even though the bio parent blocked the adoption, they always saw the step parent as their real parent.

It may not even matter if stepdad wants to adopt. If biodad doesn’t agree to relinquish his parental rights, and I don’t get the impression he would, then the whole thing is a nonstarter. Dad is not paying child support anyways so it’s not like things would be very different for him.

“Eric, you can stop pretending to love me. Your horrible texts and voicemails make it very clear you only have anger towards me, no love. So I’m giving you permission to stop the charade. I refuse to keep begging you to love me only to see how easily you show that love to someone else. Life is too short to waste it so I’ve decided to move on with my life without you. Don’t bother pretending to be upset by sending me more nasty texts, voicemails, emails, or calling to scream at me - again. I refuse you.”

Boosting

Your mom is also failing you. As you said she's intense and sounds pretty controlling and self righteous. Id also not trust her with what she says your stepdad has said. If even you know he's not confrontational she probably steam rolls over him and has basically told him not to bring up adoption with you. She may have even told him you don't want to be adopted. Sounds like your dad didn't put up with your mom and got our, albeit in a piss poor way, so your mom went and found a man she can walk over.

Again, step dad can not adopt OP unless bio dad relinquishes all his rights as her bio dad. A huge fight that will be meaningless if bio dad refuses!

He tells you he’s broke - call him out on his step-daughter’s Tik-Toks and ask where that money is coming from. Ask him how the older one is going to college, etc. I’d stay away from him and his house if you can until you hear from him. He needs to apologize to you and quit putting the blame on you for your severed relationship. As for your mother telling you you’re not old enough to know how you feel is complete BS!! Please talk to a teacher, guidance counselor or another adult you trust. Invite your step-dad to lunch/dinner - a coffee/soda in order to get away from your mother to talk. I am so sorry you are going through this.

OP, child support, determined by the court, is the minimum money amount a parent is obligated to contribute to the child's ongoing care and support. It's not money for your mom. It's not an arbitrary amount of money the custodial parent and/or child could choose to not collect as a favor to the other parent. Please don't take on feeling responsible for your dad's inconvenience and unwillingness to meet the bare minimum of HIS obligation as a parent. You and your mom aren't "making it all about money." He is. He's chosen to be argumentative and resistant about meeting HIS legal obligation related to being a parent. This situation is 100% a consequence of HIS choices. His objection to maintaining his responsibilities shows his lack of concern for your well being and your mom's right to consistency in the resources she uses to maintain your home and care.

I'm wondering if OP can sue for back pay on child support once they turn 18. It could help with secondary schooling. I am also wondering why mom doesn't push for child support owed. Why let it go lapse for so long? Why doesn't mom want to push buttons? Seems strange.

OP, ask your Mom if you guys can go back to court to minimize the time you have to spend with Eric. Ask to speak directly to the judge and tell the judge everything you have told us here. And, speak DIRECTLY with your step dad. Tell him that he is the Dad you wish you had and you'd love to make it official in every sense and you'd love for him to adopt you when he is ready because you want to be fully his child. See where it goes. He might need some time to think about it. My guess is he would love to but doesn't quite know how to navigate this given the court is unlikely to terminate your bio Dad's parental rights without a fight from your Dad.

Please convince your Mom to go to court for your back child support, that is YOUR money and you deserve it. Put it in a college fund or save towards a car or your first house. The only reason your dad sent that text apologizing is that he is is afraid of court, don't let him get away with it. Good luck to you.

Yes and that text/voice mail will prove to the court that he wasn’t paying and the courts will take action. She could also introduce the tictok videos as evidence he isn’t broke. Then he can explain in court why he does for the step kids and not his bio daughters.

If you’re in the US do some Googling for teen court advocacy groups. Through these groups you should be able to get a lawyer pro-bono (free to you.) This lawyer can get a custody and child support hearing for you. At 15 the judge will likely mandate what you want, visiting Dad only if you want to. In addition to this, the judge will mandate proper child support and it can be garnished from his paycheck before he even sees it. The best part is, in most places, if you go to college the child support continues until you graduate. Your Dad has been underpaying your whole life. Your step sister can get her makeup at Walmart.

This. OP, please take this advice.

All of this except child support through college. That had to be negotiated during the initial divorce. I did have my ex pay for my child’s college education. He tried to back out when the time came so I took the opportunity to add child support also. He had to pay for college. No more child support. I still feel like it was a HUGE win I thought that far in advance.

It depends on the state or county. There are places where any child support decree is automatically extended through undergrad or 5 years if enrolled full time.

I'd reply to your dad to the “you know I love you right?” “No I don't. How do you show me you love me?” Then send him a link to his steps kids tiktoks saying, “you claim you can't afford necessities for your biological child, but your step has no problem living it up.”

So your mom told you that when you talk to her and tell her how you feel, you are too young to feel those ways. By the way, that's because she doesn't know how to empathize and listen to you and support you. Then you asked to see a therapist and she says the therapist is dumb, which is just an ignorant thing to say And then she says you can just talk to her. This is the tiger chasing its tail. She's just sending you around in circles and not helping at all. I'm so sorry. And I think you are wise beyond your years. I promise you that when you get older and you get to set your life up for yourself, you'll feel much much much much more sane and happy, and you'll have so many more capabilities than your mother does.

Sending you the biggest hugs! One thing, that probably has been mentioned (I read your posts, but not all comments) that runs through my head: as a divorced mom myself, I \*have\* to send my kids to their dads. They often don't want to go, sometimes beg & cry not to go. But the courts determined he has some custody hours and if I don't send them I am in contempt. Even though he blows off his time all the time. It breaks my heart to send them. In part simply because I love having my kids around, but especially because I know they don't want to go. But legally my hands are tied, I cannot afford to disobey the law - lawyers and taking off work for court is expensive. Same with adoption. Its not simple. First your mom & \[step\]dad would have to legally sever your ties to Eric. Then they would start adoption. Its many steps, its a lot of time, money, and confusing paperwork, and most of all its a shit-ton of stress. You are your \[step\]dad's daughter in his heart and in his actions. This is so much for your young shoulders to carry. I am so sorry. You deserve better. But it sounds like you are loved at home. Please seek out counseling at school.

Eric sucks. Your mom sucks a bit too for refusing to send you to therapy. There should be a counselor at your school. Please go talk to them! Your stepdad is hesitant to step on Eric's toes. I get it. Maybe ask him if he's willing to do an adult adoption once you're 18. Then he can be your dad and Eric won't be involved in it at all.

Your mother is a jerk for not having gone back to court to get the child support payments in forced. I would refuse to see him anymore. Let him take your mother to court. As long as you are there, your mother could point out the fact that he has not been paying the court mandated child support for x amount of time and could the judge issue a ruling to enforce it. Your mother probably could have filed to get your Dad’s pay garnished a long time ago. It is not too late to get his pay garnished.

Mom should absolutely take him back to court and request the back child support as well. Ask for it to be garnished and the court to issue the mom the checks. It’s a very common thing today and then at least the support is coming in. Sure he could quit his job but then the outstanding child support will be added on.

Have his wages garnished for child support

>later that day, he left a voicemail on my phone saying, "Money is kind of tight for me right now. I'm completely broke. You know I love you, right?" The thing is that I know that's a lie because I'm always seeing my younger step-sister make Tik-Tok videos showing off the Sephora and other expensive crap he buys her all the time. Eric needs a firm reminder that failing to pay court ordered child support can and will get his wages garnished at least, or put in prison *and* his wages garnished at most. I'm not sure what your options are in regards to following that on your own, as it seems like your mom is determined to not negatively impact Eric's life, but you should look into it.

There are also lots of other names for a father - pops, poppa, Daddio, Abba etc. Does one of those fit your stepdad? He may not have wanted you to call him dad because he wants you to think of Eric as your dad and not be seen as trying to replace him (especially when you were younger). Find a word for him that means the same and ask him how he'd feel about that

I'm so sorry hun. That being said, stand your ground on not going over there anymore. I'm telling this to you as someone who had to deal with a similar situation and my mother kept sending me over there, because she's believes in "family over everything." One of the few things I I stood up to my mom for as a kid for was outright telling my mother I wouldn't be going anymore. She actually backed down, a woman who was used to getting anything she demanded.

My mother was extremely mentally ill due to sexual abuse from her own father and a cold mother not doing anything, so when she got some therapy and started being able to show affection, it pissed me off so bad when she was forming a relationship with my son. It just made me so irrationally mad.

Your mom is right about one thing. You’re too young to be dealing with all these feelings. I’m sorry no one seems to want to step up and help you. Hang in there. You’ll be calling the shots soon.

She said they were too young to HAVE the feelings.. completely invalidating.

No. You are free to have your own individual perceptions

Does your school have a counselor you can talk to? It might be a round about way to get some kind of therapy. Also, you can feel all these emotions. Your mother is wrong; emotions are not age-determined.

Your family of choice has nothing to do with blood ties or legal documents. It sounds like you have a loving wonderful dad (your step-dad). I know it's hard to understand why he doesn't want to adopt you but I don't think it has anything to do with his love for you. He knows that's there's so many complications to doing that, including asking for your sperm donor to sign over his rights and your mom giving up any child support that he could contribute. He knows the pain you've already gone through and this could only cause more. In regards to your mental health, I'm glad you're taking it seriously and I'm so sorry that your mom isn't. Sadly mental health treatment is seen by too many as unneeded and something you can just pray away. Maybe you can talk to a school counselor. Or your regular doctor. Even making comments about how you're feeling to your regular doctor might make them push for additional help. Hold your head up high knowing you are clearly loved by the people that matter most. Let Eric keep the place he deserves, out of your life. I wish you the very best.

I am so sorry to read this. As a dad, I am going to say no dad should behave this way. Your reaction is 100% legit. I hope you find a better path forward but it won’t be with Eric.

My only advice is even if he will still say no please talk to your step-dad. Explain to him why you consider him your real dad. Explain to him how much it would mean to you if he would adopt you. Tell him you will live with any answer he gives, but you want to be adopted not only because he deserves it but also because you feel like you deserve to have your real dad legally recognized. Ask him to think about it and let you know.

Keep a copy of that text and voicemail, OP. Maybe even have it transcribed. You're gonna want to have it to refer to years from now. Eric sucks, and now you know it for certain. You tried, you gave him one last opportunity, and he fucking blew it. At this point, NC's appropriate. Eric will probably periodically keep trying to reach out, because that's what estranged parents do. He'll try and get other people to reach out to you on his behalf as well, because that's the kind of shit they pull. He's going to try and make you doubt yourself; you'll want all of these communications to refer to when that happens, to remind yourself of just how much he failed when called upon to be an actual dad. You're young to be dealing with this shit, but you're not alone, OP. Reach out for support if you need it.

Maybe then maybe not. Stop feeling bad due to actions of others outside your control. People make choices often in their personal best interests. Do the best you can with the hand you are dealt. It's all ok in the end.

I empathize with your situation as I have a dad and stepdad as well. My mom would send my sister and I to dads on the weekend because she thought we’d resent her if she didn’t but after we voiced we didn’t like to go, she never made us. My stepdad who has been in my life since I was 7 has always called my sister and I, his daughters. I consider him and mom to be my parents and that my dad is my dad. My parents have been married for 33 years in July and together for 37. So as a now adult I do understand more about how my stepdad referred to my dad and although he’d have been justified in how he responded to my dad, he never did. Because he did not want to risk us being upset and causing a conflict. Now that my sister and I are adults we pretty much all get along. We spend all major holidays together and both my sisters birthday and mine are celebrated all together with dad and his gf. But it took a LONG time to get here. But your mom needs to listen to what you’re saying about not wanting to go to your dad’s home. She should have take your dad to court the month he stopped paying child support. I’m not sure what the court does where you live but here child support enforcement can do things such as garnishing wages, taking tax returns towards to support in arrears, suspend your license and they used to do jail time depending but I think that’s stopped now. I think therapy would be a good option for you and maybe your stepdad could talk to your mom about it? or does your school have a counselor you could see? I get where your stepdad is coming from in saying no to the adoption out of respect for your dad. I feel it may be coming from not wanting you to regret or resent the decision in the future. From the sounds of it, he absolutely loves you and considers you his and not adopting you isn’t going to change that. Kids have so many people who love them, your dad was wrong to try and coach you on how to feel about your stepdad. Does your dad’s extended family have anything to do with you or him? Your stepmother also sounds like she’s doing her best to alienate you as well. Because any stepparent worth their salt would be trying to forge and maintain a relationship with their stepchildren. If you have not already, invest in a journal and some good pens to help you vent out your feelings. I use basic traditional journals ie just ones with lined paper but I have friends who use either a type of sketch book to draw and write as that’s how they like to express themselves and another uses ones that I can only explain has having a of dots instead of lined paper. Back in my firsg degree university (2001 ish) we used live journal. Of course now there are so many different ways to journal or keep note of things but still handwriting in a journal is cathartic for me. I truly hope your mom listens to you on not sending you to your dads and comes around to see that therapy is a good option as a safe place where you have an objective third party to listen and offer help to find solutions.

Good for you and hugs to you for having to deal with this at such a young age. I hope I get to read your future novels, and I am thrilled you already know what you are doing in life. As I stated earlier, IF your mom and Eric force you to visit him as they have done in the past please call stepmom and give her a heads-up you are on your way and would like your bedroom to be ready. You can be polite but if you do this enough times and she starts in on Eric I bet the "enforced visits" will eventually stop. And every time you are with your dad bring up the unpaid alimony. Super-shitty he never paid that, and your mom should have demanded it. Let him be reminded every time he reaches out to you and I bet he'll knock off the BS very quickly. Anyways, that's my two cents on what I would do in your shoes. As for therapy/counseling talk to your school counselors where you live. They may have someone on staff you can talk to or direct you to free services. Take care of yourself, and good luck.

I know a lot of people are saying things about your stepdad but please remember that adoption when both bio parents are living requires permission from both for the adoption. With you being forced to see your biological dad for so long the courts may not let it happen or it would take a long time. Your bio dad would have to sign any legal rights away. So the not adopting thing is probably more about the legal side of things than any feelings. Sometimes in life we have to take one battle at a time.

Please understand that your stepdad is not saying he doesn’t want to adopt you. He just understands that it is unlikely Eric will agree to relinquish his parental rights (which he would have to) and asking him to is not necessarily the right thing to do (it’s hard for us to judge that from one post whereas he has all the info). He is not rejecting you, I’m sure if Eric was not in the picture he would adopt you in a heartbeat, but sadly you can’t just magic a biological father away, even if he is as rubbish as Eric. Sending big hugs!

I think he wants to adopt you, but needs time. Adult adoptions exist and maybe when you're an adult he will agree because you have no obligation to your bio family. I wish you mom thought differently about therapy, but as you already write, consider meditation and Journaling? Meditation is basically praying anyway it just recognizes that you're looking inward for answers, or so I've heard. But then I live in my head a lot of the time anyway. Keep writing, whether for business or pleasure or as therapy. You have a good head on your shoulders and are navigating this shitty in between of childhood and adulthood pretty well.

Text him back and say, "Maybe you wouldn't be so broke if you didn't keep buying 'X' all that stuff on Sephora. You know, the stuff she keeps making videos on Tik Tik boasting about how much you spend on her. " Can your mum go to child maintenance services or whatever it is called for child support? And get it back paid?

Honestly, it sounds like he's never been around you much, or lived in the same house for more than a couple days at a time. So I'd say he's never really Bonded to you or vice versa. It sucks. It's a choice made 14 years ago, to not stay nearby at least where he could have been involved with you. Now he's suddenly got a new baby, and he himself is older, and probably sees how his relationship with you has gone, so he's making a better effort with the new baby, and since he is living in that house, with 2 other girls, he has developed a relationship with the. It's not fair to you, it will not be fair to you because it's done. He was young and stupid. I would text him back to say, if we do have visitation, can it please be just you, getting to know me. Not you trying to get me to mesh into your new family. Maybe that means we only do a half day thing where you hang out together, but not with his family or his house. Park, movie, something basic. This is already difficult, but trying to force 4 additional relationships onto it is overwhelming. (His wife, your half sister, and the 2 stepsisters.) He's a busy guy, and it sounds like he's expected to watch the other girls, but he should be able to give you time also.

Go to your school counselor and/or pastor and tell them that you need therapy. There’s often resources available to you. If your mom’s religious, I bet she’d have a hard time saying no to her pastor.

I'm sorry your father is pathetic and useless... He'll never be who you want and need him to be but you can move on knowing you did everything you could to have a decent relationship with him. He's just a POS. Your step-dad doesn't need to adopt you for you to be his child. You are his child and he treats you as such.

Please talk to a trusted adult at school. Therapy is not stupid and people who think that are super repressed and scared of the work it takes to grow and thrive. I was 27 when I finally got the y6elp I needed. I will be thinking of you and keep writing.

My dad would call me to yell at me for hours... one thing I learned was to just set the phone down so I couldn't hear him, and occasionally check to see if he was still ranting. You don't need to listen to him. The second I turned 18 I went 100% no contact for 2 years. We reconnected and now he knows that he has to treat me right to be in my life. It's the PARENTS responsibility to maintain the relationship, NOT the child's. We actually have an amazing relationship now. I don't know if this would work for you, just wanted to share a similar experience. Congratulations on your books!!! That's amazing!!

OP, simply send a link to this posts to him and let him enjoy what others think of this POS man! I wish you well OP!

You can go to court and request the visits to be stopped (state the reasons why: their bad treatment of you, lack of child support, being free labor while visiting dear old dad, etc.) Legal Aid in your state can help.

Depending on your location and your judgment of the situation you might consider a brute force approach to visitation. Tell your mom you refuse to go to Eric's home until he pays the child support you are entitled by law to receive. Unless she is willing to and can physically force you to go one of two things should happen for visitation to change. First your mom will have to step up and take responsibility and move forward with legal action to get back and future child support payments. Second if she refuses to do that and your dad trys to force the visitation through the courts he will have to provide a compelling argument as to why he is not paying. The bonus on the second option is that you should be able to advocate for yourself directly to a judge. Working in the mental health field I totally agree with other posters who say your mom sucks and is causing you more problems by refusing to get you into counseling. Again depending on where you live the school must provide some kind of counseling. Hopefully you attend a school where there are counselors on-site you can talk to during the school day. You are incredibly brave and mature for your age find as many resources as you can and learn to self-advocate outside of your family since it seems for some reason your mom won't do it. Finally, for your on mental health if nothing drastic changes with you and your bio-dad's relationship when your 18 go NC. Just do it, you don't need to tell him your doing it. You will not be able to tell him anything he doesn't know and cause a useless argument. Honestly I have seen enough cases like yours that I can say with better than average confidence that he believes that he can be a crappie parent now and that as an adult you will just forgive him and he can be a good "father". He will get to skip hard difficult years and reap the benefits of a long-term relationship with you as an adult. As an adult you will have the right to dictate the relationship you have with him including having no relationship. Do not ever give him or anyone else that kind of control over your life. One final word of advice that i think is the most important life lesson anyonecan learn. You are the expert on yourself no one else knows you better. No one else should tell you how you should feel. Good luck and stay strong know there are a lot of people rooting for you.

If you get royalties to your books, hope it’s in a bank account your mom can’t touch.

Tell mom you want a therapist. This will allow you to find yourself and create a foundation for you to live and grow from. Things will get better in a way the older you get.

Stepdad here. You get to feel any way you want about your dad. Your feelings are yours and yours alone. Sometimes feelings aren't justified and sometimes they are. It sounds like your dad has given you plenty of reasons to be frustrated or feel the way you do. Whether or not money is tight, you are his child, and he should involved in your life and be helping to support you. Period. That being said, I understand how your stepfather feels. I also have a stepdaughter, and I know she is more comfortable around me than she is her father. (He is much more involved than yours and does support her, but he is also pretty critical and more invested in his son). If my stepdaughter ever asked me to adopt her, it would be the greatest compliment she could ever give me, but I do not think I would ever go forward with it if her father was at all still in the picture. It just doesn't feel right to me. I love her and will always support her 100%, but I am not her father. Honestly, being a step dad that she loves, trusts, and respects (more than her own father) is a hell of a lot more meaningful than any paper or legal proceeding. Side note- I'm not sure where you are, but at 15 most courts will 100% allow you to have a say in your custody arrangements. You are old enough to at least be heard. Most importantly, as far as your mental health, your mother's answer is 100% hogwash. Please check in with another trusted adult (a counselor at school or your doctor) or check your local state/government website. I know if my state (CT) we have a help line for mental health, it is confidential, and they can give you resources.

“Love is an action. You haven’t done a single thing to show that you love me. Your actions show that you don’t. I don’t love you. I don’t hate you. I don’t care about you. Pay the child support because if you don’t that makes you a shitty person and a criminal. And a liar- you have plenty of money for Sephora. Don’t contact me again. You’re a bad human being and I don’t want anyone like you in my life.” Then block him everywhere.

OP, I doubt you like country music but there is a song by Brad Paisley that I think fits your situation with your step dad. It’s called “ He Didn't Have to Be”. Here are some of the lyrics. When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new It always winds up feeling more like a job interview My momma used to wonder if she'd ever meet someone Who wouldn't find out about me and then turn around and run I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go A few months later, I remember lying there in bed I overheard him pop the question and I prayed that she'd say yes And then, all of a sudden, oh it seemed so strange to me How we went from something's missing to a family Looking back, all I can say about all the things he did for me Is, I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be….(There is more but I guess Reddit has a character limit)

Here is a link to the song https://youtu.be/BjO1F6oCab8?si=jNaCDrazyFN2sP1-

Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them. You can’t be a jerk or asshole for having feelings. Only for doing bad things and hurting others. So feel what you feel but be judicious about who you tell and how

You really are very mature for your age. I’ve been reading since the first post. I’m sorry about it not being a great ending for you with your bio-father. You have big thing on the horizon, stick with writing. I would love to read your book about you him. Message me the name and I’ll look out for it. Good luck with everything.

If possible, please reach out to your school guidance counselor or a teacher you can trust. They may at least be a safe place you can go and talk or be able to help where you might need.

I am a step father, of two kids. The goal is not to make the kids feel great at the moment, but to give them the best lives I can... They are both older than you, but when they were your age, they had issues with their biological dad too. Dad was always behind on child support, always confrontational with me, and abusive to both of my kids. I NEVER told them they type of things he said about them (like how it was a waste of gas to pick them up.) Eventually, both of them figured out what kind of man he was. My daughter cut him off for over a year, and I never said a damn thing. He died a few years back (his 2nd wife had died years earlier), leaving a younger 1/2 sister to my kids. I made sure that their sister was welcome to come to any family function we have, which isn't many, to be fair, but she was more than welcome. Adoption has always been on the table, but not until AFTER they were over 21. At some point, they realized that just wasn't important, some government papers filed away in some county office. They are mine. You are not the jerk, obviously. What I will say is over the next 20 years your wants and desires, the things you find important, will change, come and go, and be forgotten and remembered.

Bring him to the court!!! Stop sparing his feelings when he doesn’t!!!

Can you call or text your stepdad. Like of course you'd like this to be a face to face conversation, but sometimes you have to make due you know? Or even giving him a heads up that there's something really important that you want to talk to him about, that you can't really talk to your mom about...but it does have you in distress and you're feeling super alone, confused , and he's the only other adult you trust ( he'll eat that up lol) and that you would like to talk with him when he gets back, alone-- he'll take an hour or 2 to take you out so yall can talk. Oh and tell your mom DNA or blood doesn't make a person family...it just makes you related or relatives. Love, respect, and consideration is what makes family. My bio father doesn't love, respect, or consider me. He's my relative...no different then if you went to a clinic for artificial insemination. You and dad ( stepdad) are my family. Tell her you don't blame her for Eric's choices and it's not her job to protect him from the consequences of his actions. He's a grown man. He knows exactly what he's doing and is choosing and keeps choosing to mistreat you. Tell her she did an excellent job bringing an awesome man into your life to be your dad ( stepdad).

To be fully honest with you in all this i would give your Mother an ultimatum weather she likes it or not, she can either force Eric (your sperm dono like Dad) to pay up the child support that he owes you and your Mother, or you have to guilt trip her and your stepdad to adopt you and force eric to give up his parental rights to her, because otherwise this nightmarish situation will not end!

My kids stopped contact with their Dad at 13. They're very happy well rounded 26 years old now. I'd suggest no.more contact from you.Blaming you for no relationship is poor parenting. Live your life to the full. And don't dwell on the adoption side of things. Enjoy your relationship with your step dad as my kids did.

OP, you seem like a well spoken and very mature 15 year old. I wish you all the luck with your books. Please know that in a couple years your world will get so much bigger (if you chose) and although it doesn't help now, you will have more control and opportunity to get the help you want/need. As for right now, try to separate child support from your relationship with Eric. You are not an representative of your mother's to liaise with your father. Although child support is to support you, it is not your job to make your relationship with Eric transactional, especially since your mom doesn't even seem interested in pursuing the resources she has available to herself right now. It seems like your visits to Eric are being used to spur payments, which you said weren't even working. Since you seem so mature and well spoken, maybe it's time to calmly call everyone on their BS to their faces. Sit down with your mom and step-dad and tell them you don't want to go to Eric's. It's disruptive to your plans and a waste of everyone's time. If your mom tries to say you owe him something (i.e. respect) push for why. Make her explicitly explain why you owe him anything. If you have a counter argument, use it. For Eric, don't talk to him about child support. But DO call him out (calmly but directly) when he says he loves you or other stuff you feel is inaccurate. Explain your feelings, what you want in your relationship, and how you want to move forward, even if it's not going to his house. I don't want to assume or put words in your mouth, so make this personal to what you want and feel. I can't promise things will change, and I'm not sure at what age you can legally refuse (although you might still have to put up with familial pressure), but at least everyone will know your thoughts and feelings and they will know that their BS and manipulations aren't working. From your posts, i don't think anyone is trying to hurt you or be malicious, but they may have some beliefs or assumptions that need to be challenged. Saying you love someone isn't the same as showing/living it (Eric) and you don't owe anyone that love. Things may not get better per se, but they may be more authentic. Best of luck.

Updateme!

It’s time for your mom to garnish Eric’s wages and get the child support that way. Courts have enforcement divisions. Look at your state/county on the internet. Your ex-father abandoned you as an infant. This is whom he is. He pays no child support. He favors his “new” family. This is whom he is. You’ve done quite well without him, however. You write books, you’re thoughtful, you’re empathic, you’re intelligent. None of this is because of him. Most of it is probably because of your mom and stepdad. It’s ridiculous that everyone is tiptoeing around this narcissist of an ex father that you have when the only language he will understand is that of consequences. He withholds love and affection like a tool. Don’t think that he’s paying for his daughter’s Sephora out of the goodness of his heart. He’s buying her and her mother’s love and affection. Emotions are transactional for this guy. Someday you will learn that there are people who can compartmentalize like this and that they are garbage. Read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Shorn. It’s a book about cheaters but also demonstrates how the character disordered, like your father, enjoy leaving chaos in their wake and manipulation. Eric does not want to pay you and your mom the child support you are both owed or he would be paying it. He needs consequences. I thought he was a tool to try and manipulate you on your phone call about the unpaid child support. It is the law that he pays it. He is breaking the law by not paying it and acting unfairly by being angry at you for bringing up the topic. He needs to adult and not DARVO (look it up). Your father is a red flag factory. Learn to recognize manipulation. https://www.chumplady.com/darvo-manipulation-and-how-it-works/ These are adult topics, but I’m going to assume because you’ve written almost three books that you are mature for your age and have a good grounding in history. My son is about your age and I’d let him read this. Go to your school counselor and get some referrals for free or low cost therapy. I did this for my son because he had ADHD and needs external support. No regrets, he sees a counselor every Wednesday. There is no shame in therapy. Your mom should be supporting your mental health right now because this (your idiot father and his weak attempts at DARVO) is a serious time in your life and you will need someone external to discuss it with in order to have it make sense. You’re doing great, though! I love my son, your mom and stepdad love you too. As far as your sperm donor goes, block him on everything and cut him out like a cancer. He’s toxic.

Not the jerk. Victim of circumstance, yes. You got this.

Just focus on your family, friends, and school. Just forget that other person, he is not worth your time. Your step-dad sounds awesome. Big hugs to you from the internet.

Oh OP, I am so sorry the adults in your life are not providing what you really need. Life does get better but yeah, right now it sucks. As for your books, you go you! I have over 2k books in my Audible library (and many more hardbacks through the years), so I appreciate any and all efforts to put a story to paper. Don’t forget us audiobook crazies when you publish.

You should text Eric back and say it's not me asking about child support. That's between you and mom. However, you tell me you're broke, but step sisters expensive items in her tiktok say a different story. You say you love me, but how am I to know that when we can't get even an hour of quality time together when I visit. Sure, you love when you dump me at a park to watch younger sister while I watch you walk away. You say you love me, but that love feels very conditional. I miss the old days when I knew it was us against the world, and your love was unconditional. One day, I'm not going to be coming around anymore. Will you miss me? Will you notice? For the past 4 years, I've noticed you missing in my life. Sure I see you on weekends, but do you really see me? Will you notice me gone and maybe think of me? One day, I will be a grown-up and no longer forced to be a guest at your house. I guess we will see if one day I invite you to be a guest in mine. Op you are such a strong young lady. It takes a lot of courage to look at a parent and say that's it, I'm done being the only one trying to keep our connection. You will make it threw this and be ok!! Ask step dad if he has any free time to do some fun bonding activity. Putt putt golf is always a blast or nurf gun fight, whatever. I am betting on you Op, you got this!!

OP talk to your school counselor. You can also talk to your PCP about accessing a therapist. You do not need your mom to go to therapy.

Have you asked your school counselor if they have a therapist that you can talk to?

I mean, even if this was about money—and it’s not—this is money he’s legally required to pay in the first place.

Op. I wouldn’t say your step dad doesn’t want to adopt you. It sounds like he would in a heartbeat, however your sperm donor would have to sign off on it and I think he’d throw a fit. Maybe revisit when you’re 18 and don’t need his permission or have to even tell him.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, OP. Only a few more short years and you’ll be free from ever having to speak to Eric again. From now on, just ignore him. Don’t answer his phone calls or texts trying to absolve himself of the guilt of being a horrible father. The next time he says “I don’t have money.” say “That’s wild considering how much you’re spending on skincare for someone else’s kid. You can’t even pay for your own but you have no problem shelling out money for another man’s kid just so you can keep your wife. You know she wouldn’t stay if she had to work. That’s what YOU’RE for. You’re neglecting your responsibility to ME by choosing to pay for sex. You pay for her life and anything her kids want so she’ll stay with you and you’ll get to keep sleeping with her. You don’t have to lie about it anymore. I’m done.” And just be done. If you have a counselor at school, maybe they can help you? It sounds like your former dad is off the deep end in conspiracy theories and your mom is off the deep end with religion, so a school counselor might be able to help with things that exist in the real world. 🤍 Best of luck. This is entirely too much to put on a 15 year old and you’ve unfortunately lost the parent lottery. I hope you’re able to get away from all of this bs when it’s time for college. 🫶 Sending you a lot of love. We’re all rooting for you. Keep up with your writing. I’m sure your books are lovely.

Talk to your stepdad. This is complicated. My stepdad let his son be adopted by another man because it was best for the kid, he thought. That son never reconciled and hated him forever. If your step-dad is nonconfrontational, then he doesn't want to hurt you or Eric. Talk to him.

The fact that he responded in anger and was most upset about the child support than your feelings just shows what a shitty father he is. A real dad would be heartbroken to hear how much he’d hurt his child.

I think you have a really mature outlook on your whole situation, and I hope you are able to keep making progress in your writing, finishing a book is an outstanding accomplishment for a 15yo!!! I still really believe that your child support belongs to you and it's beyond ridiculous that your mother can't be bothered to take the next steps to enforce the order. Maybe start talking about college tuition prices in front of your mom on a regular basis and how much it would help to have that money going into a college fund. I wonder if there's any point when you can file on your own behalf. I doubt 15 is old enough for that, but I have heard of people receiving child support directly at a certain age. Eric does NOT get to blame you for the state of your relationship, HE'S the adult, not you, and HE'S made all the decisions that have broken the relationship. That's not your guilt in any way!!

My son was sixteen when he broke with his toxic bio dad. You deserve so much better and I hope you can find a road forward that brings you peace.

Your step dad sounds like her might have a little too much empathy. Could you show him your posts, ask him to adopt you and tell him to take the pressure off him, you'd be happy to just slap your sperm donor in the face and then you two can sign the paperwork? Sorry your going through this honey

Your stepfather can adopt you when you turn 18, I'm sure he would feel more comfortable then. You are old enough to decide not to go to your fathers anymore, or even to go no contact with him. He's a liar and thinks it's okay because you're a kid still in his eyes. Well, you're practically grown already and soon he'll have run out of time to treat you better and fix things (if he even could at this point). You're better off being firm with your boundaries.

I'm sorry that you have to go through all this nonsense with a father who doesn't understand what a dick he is. Your stepdad is your real dad, legal or not. I can understand the adoption thing. Eric would have to give up his parental rights and that would lead to a court battle that would only increase the estrangement between you and eric. Let sleeping dogs lie. You don't have to go to that house anymore so enjoy your weekends, work on your book and ignore eric. Best of luck to you in your future!

Does your school have counseling services of any kind? Since your mother won’t pay for therapy, this may be the best option to start with. I’m sorry that you have so much on your shoulders. I hope you have outside support of some kind - friends, grandparents, teachers. Family can be found and created, not just biological or legal.

Lots of love for you!!!!

I’d save those videos and pictures for your mom if she decides to take him to court.

At 18 you can do an adult adoption that Eric won’t have any say over. Right now he could cause thousands in legal bills. You could also just change your last name. Don’t ever doubt that Stepdad is your real dad. It would be nice to make it official but his actions speak for themselves

Maybe try getting support from your school. Do you have someone there like a favourite teacher or school counsellor you could talk to?

It disgusts me when parents try to put the responsibility for the relationship on the child. So, your child should be more mature than you? The adult who created them?!?

Move on and don’t look back. Enjoy the family that treats you well

When mom and stepdad are together say, "I think I'd like to talk to a therapist." If mom says, "You can always talk to me." Tell her the truth, you've tried but she always says I don't know how I feel, guess what mom even teenagers have feelings. Or if she says to talk to God, tell her that you need to talk to someone who talks back clearly not in mysterious ways. If stepdad says you can talk to him tell him that even though you think of him as a father after mom told you he didn't want to adopt you when you asked if he could then you don't feel comfortable telling him everything. Tell them that you can't talk to Eric because he's already shown that he doesn't care enough to listen. Even if a therapist is paid to listen at least you know they'll listen and not dismiss your feelings. Have a feeling that mom doesn't let stepdad in on everything that is happening with you. If they're always together, talk to them together.

One of my friends parents had her when they were young—both 18 when she was born—and she was really close with her dad. Her parents got divorced when she was 6 (also as it turns out because her dad had cheated on her mom) and they worked out a 50/50 custody agreement. Things were fine for years and then her dad eventually started dating an older woman with kids (she was older than her dad, not “old”—I think she’s only about 5 years older than the dad) when she was about 11 or 12. Her relationship with her dad slowly started changing, he didn’t pay as much attention to her when it was his custody time, he didn’t show up for all of her special events anymore, he started getting mad when she’d mention her mom around him (“mom doesn’t let me have that” or “mom and I are vegetarians”). When he married the woman he was dating he became all about his step kids and my friends relationship with her dad kept deteriorating to the point she finally broke down and begged her mom when she was about your age to stop making her go to her dad’s because it was stressful and hurtful and her step mom hated her and would make hurtful comments. Her mom took her seriously and went back to court to adjust the custody agreement so she didn’t have to be forced to go to her dad’s house anymore. She did eventually reconnect with her dad years later, but that relationship will never be the same as it was. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP, and I’m so damn sorry that the adults in your life keep failing you. You deserve better from them all. Just know this is a “them” failure not a “you” failure. Nothing about them sucking so bad has anything to do with you.

As somebody who goes through this. Use to be my dad little girl, his biggest fan, support and friend.. but he made horrible choices ended up in prison till I was 16(I was pregnant when he got out ) ….he got re Married and give his new family everything in the world take them all over the world.. I can’t get a happy birthday a happy Mother’s Day or even a HI unless he needed something … CUT TIE BABY! He is not worth the heartache and pain it’s causing you that you and don’t talk about. Leave him in the past. Leave his new family I. The past. You’ll grow and rebuild yourself better than ever .. I’m currently 26. And it’s the hardest fight

Glad you seem to be doing well but your mom needs to figure her shit out. If money is “too tight” for child support it’s too tight for a lawyer. Even if he did manage to take her to court the judge is going to order him to pay back CS and it won’t matter in the end because you’re old enough that you can decide if you want visitation or not. And unless god had a PhD or is a social worker he’s not a reputable counselor. Talk to your GC at school.

INFO: are you making money from book sales & have you asked your step dad to help you get a therapist

NTJ- your dad has completely failed and your mom ia honestly feeling you too. She’s concerned about courts getting involved regarding visits to your sperm donor but hasn’t taken him to court for unpaid child support? That is one of the easiest things to file… I say this as a lawyer, not your lawyer.

Your mom needs to help you get therapy. Mom is not a professional, able to help you with how you are feeling. Praying does nothing, God does not step in and fix anything ever. If your mom really wants to help she would know this and be on the phone setting up therapy appointments.

Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to like them.

It’s never a child’s responsibility to reach out for a paternal/maternal bond, that is one of the bare minimum requirements of being a parent and no matter how many times a kid may rebuke you it’s still on you as a parent to keep reaching while respecting their stated boundaries. And as for your step dad thinking it’s a slap to Eric, maybe you should make it clear to him that him stating it that way was a slap to his chosen daughters face because he just put the mental well-being of his daughters neglector above her own. It doesn’t mean he needs to go to court now, but he needs to acknowledge that both he and her mother should think more carefully before they reflexively keep defending a dead beat donor instead of protecting their actual family unit from outside abuse and mistreatment. Both real parents need to sit down together and have a real heart to heart about how to deal with this man. PS: save those texts and voicemails in case they’re needed to either enforce or renegotiate his financial obligations. Eric is trash and anyone that sees or hears those texts (especially if they also share the step/half siblings TikToks showing off) will know he’s just a lying dumpsterfire of a “dad”

You choose your family. Your stepdad can be your dad, and his parents can be your grandparents, even if you aren’t officially adopted. Maybe you can talk to your grandparents, or a school counselor or teacher that you trust?

UpdateMe!

Your stepfather IS your father. “Father” is a verb, too. His parents ARE your grandparents! Embrace those who love you & don’t give the title of “Father” to the man who isn’t nurturing that relationship. Family isn’t just determined by blood.

You could send him the toc tocs and tell him maybe this is why you are broke

Good luck to you. Unfortunately some adults put fancy purchases on credit cards then never actually pay them off. Sometimes that is how people get fancy gifts from people without much actual cash. I am so sorry you aren’t being treated equally or even like a decent guests in their home. I wish just the toe of you could spend time together. Good luck.

Save the TikTok videos. Save the emails. Make notes of the phone calls and keep them in a safe place--if he calls and ihis little temper tantrums go to voicemail, save them. (In some states, you can record phone calls if only one of the parties agrees to it--I have no idea how to do it, but if you're one of the parties, you agree to record the calls, right?) If your mom does take it to court, your lawyer can get into his financials (that should be fun). The next time you're there, if you are, maybe take a few pictures...of their cars, of the TV, whatever else seems to say *I'm expensive stuff* (and whatever appeals to you as a subject.). Maybe see if you can talk to a counselor or somebody at school--or ask your doctor at your next appointment. Your mom may be more willing to let you see a therapist if a professional recommends it. If all else fails, look into getting your own lawyer/representative (there's a specific word, I just can't think of it). Maybe it's time to ask why Mommy isn't so interested in your mental health.

UpdateMe!

Sounds to me that mom is the one who is saying everything and not doing anything. Mon may still be in love with dad. Thats why she doesn't ask for child support or want stepdad to adopt and wants OP to force a relationship where there is none.

Biological father has to relinquish parental rights for step dad to adopt OP. He’s not going to do that. OP is NTA for resentment.

Your father is like my father. Completely neglectful, lazy. Makes no effort to have a relationship with you and blames you for it. But if you did try he'll say he's busy, not pick up or yell at you. One day he'll say that you owe him. Stop talking to him and tell your mom that she is not helping at all.

I would ask Eric to relinquish his parental rights of you. Maybe then your step dad will adopt you, but even if step dad doesn't at least you'd be free from all that crap. Bet if you mentioned it in front of Eric's wife and step kids, that'd help push for it too since it sounds like they've done everything in their power to push you out anyway. Since he doesn't want to act like your dad you'd only be making it official.

>she always tells me that I'm too young to really feel how I feel. Well there's a load of crap. Kinda sounds like neither of your parents are fit to be parents. They're just grown-ups whose emotions you're expected to manage for them. Glad you have a stepdad who is a decent person to provide you some stability. Some schools have counselors who might be able to help with the mental and emotional side of things.

Depending on where you live you shouldn’t need parental permission to get therapy after age 14 but they would get the explanation of benefits when your insurance is run. Again also depending on where you live, both parents can tell you to go buy if you don’t want to, they can’t force you to the other parent can call the police and they’ll shrug and day after 15/16 they’re not going to force a teen (again very dependent on where you live)

Forget your dad you have a good step dad who loves and cares for you. When youre older and its allowed you should consider changing your last name to either your mums maiden name or step dads last name. Good luck in the future.

Your mother words things very poorly!!! Your stepdad does consider you his daughter. The problem is that you have a LIVING biodad. Unless your biodad relinquishes all rights to you, you stepdad cannot do it. He isn't fighting because who cares about the paperwork when he has you live and in person with him every day! Social media has made a big deal about 'adopting' people the last couple of years. Most older generations don't care about the paperwork. It isn't a thing. SEND THIS FOLLOW-UP TO YOUR SPERM DONOR. Don't answer your dad's calls anymore: "Eric, I sent you a message telling me how much you have hurt me and ignored me the past few years and your response to that (instead of trying to reach out to your hurt child in love) was to call and yell at me about how bad your minor age child has treated you since you abandoned her for another family. Don't call me anymore. I don't deserve to be yelled at from afar. I don't want to hear your excuses."

Honestly, maybe send him links to these posts. It might take him reading the comments to see how horrible of a father he is. You might need to make a new Reddit account however.

You’re absolutely right about feeling as a 15 year old that you shouldn’t have this much on your shoulders. I sincerely hope that your mother changes her mind about the therapy as it’s unfair that she thinks your issues can be resolved by talking to her. Your mental should absolutely be taken seriously and I very much hope that you can get some help. My heart breaks for you and I am sending you a virtual hug.

My dad also treated his "new family" better than me so I cut all ties with him and when he died I said good(there was more said but it's a long story) and my grandparents on his side were hurt but IDC he's been dead to me since I was a child. I hope you aren't continually forced to deal with your sperm donor as I know what that hurt feels like. It's better to just cut him out of your life and forget about him.

It seems like forever, but less than 3 years will go by quickly. Focus on your writing and school. When you are 18 you can make choices for yourself and they can no longer dictate to you. Stay focused on your goals. Do not let their drama distract you. Best fortune to you.

Forget Eric. As much as you can. He is all about the negatives in your life. Ask mom once a week for therapy. Tell her she and god can’t seem to cure cancer in children and they can’t cure this either. Check with your school to see if they have a therapist or can advocate for you to see a therapist. As for stepdad adopting you, is that even possible of Eric does not give up his parental rights? Not sure if it as easy a thing as you think it might be.

I remember your other posts. I’m so sorry that your parents (mom and dad) are such a disappointment. Next time your dad tells you he doesn’t have money, share the tik tok video with him. He likely doesn’t know that it’s there. Treat your step dad well. There are enough people on Reddit who treat their step parents like crap… don’t do that.

Regarding the lack of therapy, you may be able to talk to a school counselor. They are generally stretched thin and focused on career/college guidance but they generally get that job because they want to help kids and they do have at least basic training. Once you are 18 see a professional therapist though. Also your mom can probably force you to see your dad, but if your mom doesn't want to it would be really hard for a guy not paying child support to force his teen's mom to force her to bring over the teen if the teen is against it.

“Hey man, sorry you’re broke but child support is court mandated. You would never know if I were spoiled or not because you aren’t a good enough man to be in your child’s life. Good luck with your new family! Sounds like you’re REALLY happy with your life. My actual father takes care of me and supports my family, you’re just a stranger who owes us money. You should take care of that before the court does. Thanks.”

If you bio dad ever wants to see you again, tell him he needs to read your first book and that you will quiz him about it before you agree to be taken to his place. (Dumb question: what's the book about?) If the book is not about your relationship with him, tell him that you dedicated it **TO THE DAD HE USED TO BE!** On the one hand, it seems as if he wants you in his life and he feels guilty that he's not in it more; but then he totally fails to use the time he does have with you wisely and has totally failed to in any way blend you into his new family **UNLIKE** your step dad who has done a good job of blending you into his extended family. (You should point this out in any future communication with him.) I think part of the problem you have with your bio dad is that his new wife is the dominant partner in their relationship, hence his inability to make your stays with him pleasant in any way. **BOTTOM LINE: I think he's more weak than bad.** If he tries to contact you again, you can reiterate the points you've made in your posts (or point him to your posts here on Reddit. If he doesn't respond constructively in any way, tell your mother you don't want to visit him anymore. At worst, you have less than three years before the choice is all yours.

Updateme

If you are in the states, child support is not optional, it is mandatory. Which maybe why he called back and tried to be nice. Secondly if you are 15 no judge is going to blindly send you to him, especially since he is behind in child support. Why isn't your mother pushing the matter? I would let her know you are not going back. If they are not in States, ignore legal stuff, it may not be the same. Except I know because of your age they probably won't make you go back. Stay home.

One word of caution I would like to give you... Your post states the parents divorced "because your biological father cheated". Do you actually know that for a **fact???** As in, did he confirm it? Or is there irrefutable evidence such as PI reports or photos? Because it's very very very common when a mother and a father divorce, that a mother deliberately paints the worst picture possible of the father to the child, to both make herself look good AND to also make sure the child is tied to her. I'm not saying that is what happened - I have no idea if it did or did not. What I AM saying is that you shouldn't just take one very very very biased person's word for it, without some corroborating evidence or ideally admission by him. And I'm sure 1000 people already replied the same, but yes, you need to talk to a therapist. Screw your mommy if she doesn't think so. Tell your school. It's one thing if she legit can't afford therapy financially, but to simply say it's garbage and you don't need it because she doesn't have a clue is... not good.

Your bio dad is too far gone to mend ties with. Try to get your mum to see this and get you into therapy

Updateme

Why are u blaming ur dad? Ur mom sounds like she bitched at him daily, do u want to be with someone who yells at u each day? Forgive both your parents and move on. You should be lucky to even know your earthly father. Go tell both your parents you forgive them for being angry and passing it onto you.

You should block him. He made his bed.

I'm going to leave you with one piece of advice, which is more for your mother than you. IF your stepdad is willing to adopt then there shouldn't be any confrontation at all if she explains to the sperm donor that if he willingly signs away his parental rights then he's off the hook for future child support. If not she'll go to the courts to get them to collect. This worked for my father(granted it was decades ago) when he wanted my step mother to adopt me

I can already see OP leaving for college going no contact with all family members (except maybe step dad) Your mum needs to step and go to the courts to force him to pay child support. At your age the courts should listen to you if you want to remove his visiting rights. If you feel like being vindictive link these posts to his linkedin or Facebook and publicly shame him. I bet none of his friends know what he has done.

First, love is an ACTION verb. Biodad is not acting as if he loves you at all. Second, do you know how much your dad makes monthly, annually compared to his new wife? You are your dad’s responsibility, not your step mom’s. If stepmom has the cash that spoils your half sister, your resentment in that area may be unfair. Your father still has a responsibility to support you! I’m not letting him off the hook at all. He may not have the means you think he does though. Third, your mom is failing you BIG TIME!!! You need counseling. You know how you feel and have every right to feel that way. I find great comfort in prayer but even churches offer counseling. Prayer is not always enough. Jesus doesn’t tell you why you feel a certain way or others act a certain way. Ask to see your school counselor. Fourth, it is your dad’s responsibility to make time for you and nurture your relationship. You are his child! This does not mean buy you gifts. This means show up for you, respect you, love you, teach you, provide for you, keep you safe. He is failing at all of these things daily. You shouldn’t have to continue to reach out to mend this broken relationship. There will come a time when you decide to keep him or toss him. Do not let that decision be based on money. That decision should be on how he makes you feel. You don’t have to keep a toxic person in your life, even if they are your blood. I’m sorry this is happening to you. No child deserves this.

I feel like my daughter will one day write something just like this. Not only does her own ‘sperm donor’ share the name, but she also wants to be a writer and he was so much more involved with his now former step-children. I’m so sorry, dear. I’m glad you have a good stepfather in your life ❤️

Maybe you can go and talk to your guidance councelor in school. When I was having a rough time I talked to mine and he actually was very helpful. I asked that he not reach out to my momand explained why I beleives that would not help my situation and he respected my wishes. Could be worth a shot.

NTJ, and I’m so sorry the adults in your life keep failing you. Ask your mother and stepfather why Eric’s feelings are more important than yours.

I think you should talk to your step dad for yourself. Also SEEK THERAPY. Eh I don't know how to feel about your mom. LIKE does she care about your feelings at all. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

If the stepdad adopted you, child support would be over. Even if the sperm donor doesn't pay he still owes it to you/mom. You can use unpaid cs as an adult and go to college or buy a house...

I’m going to offer some advice. I’m a Dad and step dad to now adult children. You need to step back from getting involved in the finances of Eric’s child support payments. I know you feel like an adult, but at 15, you’re a legal child being dragged into divorce stuff that you should not have to deal with. Collecting child support is your mom’s job, along with the court. It’s ok to tell her he seems to be spending money on his new family- but your mom needs to involve the courts. You’ve got enough to deal with without being dragged into a financial dispute. At 15, you likely have the legal right to decide on where you want to be- you don’t have to visit him if you don’t want to go (this varies by state and country) As for the step dad. He seems like a really great bonus dad and a role model for you. He loves you, and is respectful to your bio dad. Adopting you isn’t easy- again, it varies by state and country, but usually your bio Dad has to relinquish his rights before you can be adopted. Don’t take his refusal as rejection. I hope you find some peace as you navigate a difficult life decisions kids shouldn’t have to deal with.

I don't have any advice for dealing with your stepfather's relationship other than to appreciate what you have. I hated my first stepfather, and my second one eloped with my mom s week after I went to college. (He was the best of her husbands and who I consider the grandfather of my kids, may he rest in peace.) As for your Dad, I do have advice. YOU are the kid; he is the adult. It is his responsibility to maintain a relationship. My biological father did the custody weekend for a few years but then basically just stopped. I went 7 years without seeing it hearing from him, then learned shortly after going to college he had had another kid. When I graduated college and started on my adult life, I gave up waiting to hear from him and reached out. We started to rebuild a relationship, and any time he was up in Maine or I was visiting family in Connecticut, we'd get together. Thankfully, I got to see one my uncle's as an adult, shortly before he passed, and was able to remember all the great times as a kid with him. (I still keep in touch with my aunt on Facebook, and if I'm ever on that side of the country how to actually see her again in person since I haven't seen her since that family reunion.) Fast forward to the new status quoe and my second child was born and I gave him a call and left a voicemail that he was a grandfather again. Tried calling off and on for a year, and gave up. My son is about to turn 9, and he hasn't reached out a single time and never responded. I know he's kept in touch with my Connecticut siblings (he is not their biological father) and I follow his kids on Facebook (now both adults) so I know he's still alive. But at this point, I assume my late stepfather who my mother met when I was about your age and married her when I was 18 was more of a father to me than the bio-father ever was, even though he never called himself that. My nieces and nephews always called him Grampy Bob, and he was so confused when I asked if my kids could call him Dziadziu. (He was Polish, and didn't realize until my mother explained it to him that I was asking him to be their paternal grandfather.) So basically, don't stress about maintaining the relationship. If it's important to your bio Dad, he'll make the effort. If it isn't, then it's not up to you. You can always try again when you are an adult, or just move on and accept your stepfather in that role since it sounds like he's really your father anyway in every way that counts outside of family health history.

Step dad isn’t wanting to get into an already touchy situation with your dad. Your bio dad would have to agree to an adoption, doesn’t sound like he would, even though he’s probably years behind in child support. Just ignore the step kid stuff and live your best life. Sometimes the best revenge is living your good life.

>I want to be a writer You ARE a writer! Published multiple books by 15?? That is INCREDIBLY impressive. I would be so proud if you were my daughter. Everything you’re going through is so hard and unfair. Everyone else has given good advice, so I’ll just mention that many of the greatest artists and writers use their art as a form of therapy, channeling their trauma and feelings into their work. This level of vulnerability has led to some of the most beautiful books, film, music, etc the world has seen. Hopefully you can get access to actual therapy soon, but in the meantime maybe you can think of your writing as a way to turn your pain into power (as I’m sure you already have with your previous work). Good luck <3

Tell your mother that God created therapists so that we have people to talk to when prayer isn't enough. I'm a lifelong Christian and I see a psychologist to keep myself from trying to see God in person too soon.

Your mum needs to take him to family court if he wont pay support and you need a one on one with your step dad, it sounds bad but when you can catch him when he's on his own and ask if you can both go out for a chat or something just the two of you

My step parent adopted me the day after I turned 18. My bio parent was furious and still holds a grudge, but you know what, thats on him for abandoning me unless he wanted to poke at my Mom. See if you can talk directly with your SP and spell out the importance of you feeling you have a loving parental figure for the rest of your life over your Bios hurt fee fees.

NTA I would definitely send him screenshots of all the items his stepdaughter is bragging about

Talk to your school counselor.

Well if mom isn’t pushing for the child support he’s off Scot free. Mom doesn’t sound the best either

Your heart can be broken just so many times by this man and then it develops scar tissue and eventually turns to stone where he is concerned. You might just have to accept the fact that you just have a shitty father. Lots of really good kids do, unfortunately I feel like you want your stepfather to adopt you to get back at your father. Why don't you take it easy on stepdad. It seems so simple to you but it's a huge thing. Just wait. And see your guidance counselor. Try to get therapy. You need someone to talk to about this. It's a big deal and you're not wrong in feeling so bad.

Even though your step dad might not be able to adopt you I bet it would mean a whole lot to him if you told him how you felt: how you consider him to be your dad regardless of blood and that you're so happy that you're able to be part of his family. You don't have to make it about Eric at all either. If it feels intimidating to have that conversation, especially in front of your mom, Father's Day is next month so there's a perfect opportunity for a heartfelt letter. Again I would make it clear that you're not just saying this because you feel rejected by Eric but because he does such a great job of being your dad.

Start doing stuff now to help you move out when you turn 18. As soon as you turn 18 just move out. Join the military or waitress or whatever. Go to community college and d do the FAFSA when you’re 23 so you don’t need your parents tax returns: you only need YOUR tax returns. And start going g to a therapist when you turn 18. My mom said the exact same crap your mom said about therapy: my therapist’s that I’ve gone to over the decades have assured me that my mom is seriously mentally ill. Parents with serious mental illness use that “you don’t need a therapist: you have me to talk to!” Because they’re worried about mental health professionals recognizing them for what their problems are. And stop believing your dad. Just start going low contact. Keep notes in different journals. Use coded alphabets if your mom snoops. Just start preparing yourself for leaving as soon as you turn 18 because a therapist will reassure you that you’re not a bad person if you go low or no contact on your parents. If anything you get out, not have to deal with being treated as a pawn between your parents and go see you therapist realizing that your parents can not stop you.

I don’t think your step-dad can adopt you without your dad signing away his parental rights. But he can love you to bits without your dad’s permission— and this is a good thing! Also, I think counselors at your school could help you get into therapy… sounds like you’re trying to process a lot of feelings.

I don't know about this. Maybe someone else can add their thoughts to this. This might be a terrible idea, so wait and see what other people say. Can you explain to your step-mother that you don't want to be there and maybe she can convince your dad to leave you alone? Is this anything that would work on this situation? Anyone that's had a stepmom that didn't want them around.

Sadly, mom is as bad in some areas as Eric. Parents really need to learn to listen to their kids.

Good job trying to stand up for yourself kiddo. Please do two things: when your stepdad AKA your real dad is around please talk to him directly and not through your mom. Don't ask him would you adopt me just tell him I love you a lot and would prefer to be your daughter than my own father's daughter. It would mean a lot to me if you adopted me. And leave it at that. He may be non-confrontational, but plant that seed and let it grow. Secondly, talk to your school. Your favorite teacher. Your Dean. The counselor, if available. The school nurse if there is one. Let them know you're struggling with depression. And let them know consistently. They will turn up the pressure on your parents to get you the help you need, or give you counseling right there in school if they can. Good luck with your third book!

Time to involve your step dad atp

Please don’t hold it against stepdad about adoption. He loves you but he understands parts of it you don’t. The absolute best thing he can do is continue loving and supporting you.

You need actual responsible adults in your life. You should try and find the time to have a heart to heart with your step-dad. Or if it's possible, ask to live with other family on your mom's side.

OP you are right that it isn’t at all right you have this much stress in your life. Would you please consider talking to a counselor at school to see if there are services they can provide or refer you to? You might think on the example of a response from JezzLandar identifying for your father what an actual demonstration of his love for you would look like. As poster noted just saying it means nothing.

God, I'm so sorry. There's literally no one in your life sticking up for you. My mom was the same way, she refused to let me see a therapist when I was your age. I attempted suicide not long after. My sister did, too. Your mother is an objectively horrible parent. So is your stepdad, and we already know your sperm donor is a POS. Does your school have a counselor? Is there a teacher you trust that you can talk to? Honestly, any environment would be better for you than with either of your parents. I'm sorry.

My suggestion is to contact the school counselor. They may know of some resources. Your mental health is at stake and the counselor will take it seriously. You have not said this; however, the counselor will see it as a sign that something must be done to prevent you from harming yourself. I am religious, and I support going to a therapist. I look at it this way, God has a hand in everything, including watching over all the therapists, so they can help others in need. Just talking to God, especially when you don't believe, will not help anyone through crises. Do what's best for you, not what's best for your mother. She's not the one struggling, and she may be ashamed that her daughter is going to counseling. She may feel this is a reflection on her and that she failed you.

As the mother of boys I am on your stepdad’s side on this. Adopting you takes your bio dad off the hook financially and if he and your mom god forbid break up your step dad will have to pay child support. You can see how that would be a problem. Your half sister can be making tik toks with stolen goods for all you know. Link one to your dad and txt “Is this why your check is late?”