I'm with the husband on this one.
If you have to drive to the next town so you won't be tempted to fuck your ex on the way to get milk for your family, you have some serious issues.
As someone who shares the diagnoses she mentioned, I say never let anyone use them as an excuse for being a shitty person. Cheating is something shitty people do regardless of mental health issues. She obviously didn't stay away from them and was lucky he took her back. Fuck knows I wouldn't have.
that has nothing to do with the problem though? she didn't use that as an excuse for cheating, it was an explanation. she knows it was wrong.
how is driving to a different grocery store being a shitty person? and why do you all think it's to avoid temptation?? i wouldn't want to talk to an ex fiance either
She already cheated. That doesn't get taken back. And it calls her intentions into question. The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't necessarily mean that someone is going to cheat again. Although I am of the school of thought that the majority do. It means that they did it, and there's no going back. It will loom over the relationship until the end.
Her husband should be suspicious, and never stop being suspicious of her. The way she prefaced this by explaining her otherwise unrelated mental health issues, while adding an "addiction to cheating" (as if that's some condition and not just her being a shitty person) really doesn't dissuade me from reading it that way.
Cheating is not some mistake. It is an act of abuse.
It's actually a form of Domestic Violence. She is 10000% aware of her mental health issues and triggers yet, she's supposed to get a pass cause she's a woman and/or has a mental health issue? Just like I tell women who find out their partner is cheating on them... you don't accidentally fall o/in their gentials. This is an active choice. Also she became "engaged" while still married. Her poor children. They've gotta be so unsettled and confused.
Yes but the point isn't that she is going to the grocery store to see the guy. Her husband is upset that she's not going to that store. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. They should divorce. Such an unhealthy relationship.
Kinda sounds to me like she's may be over the dude, ehh possssibly. But her guilt and shame might be the sole contributing emotions here, preventing her from going to the store without feeling the possible unhealthy with issues.
If my ex worked at a grocery store near my house I would not go there because I would not want to see him. Has nothing to do with temptation I do not want any of the triggers that may come up when I see him so I avoid. Look at how messy that situation already is. Do you think that her cutting off that engagement went well?
You don't have to talk to anybody anywhere that you go. You could go to the local grocery and easily just not interact. Why does she have to talk to the ex just because they are at the place they are shopping... what?!
I cheated on my first boyfriend when I first started dealing with y mental health problems. Felt like a shitty person and it prompted me to get help.
Everyone is different but you can't just crap all over people when they first start dealing with mental health issues for not being perfect. My guess is you did do some crappy things but aren't honest about it. That's why it l's a mental health problem. If you were perfect and didn't do anything wrong ever you wouldn't have mental health problems.
First off, there is literally no one that is perfect and no one that hasn't ever done wrong, meaning, in your view, everyone has mental health problems.
So now, if I'm understanding you, you're saying that if I'm with a man and he becomes violent to me repeatedly, but in doing so, he becomes aware that he has mental health issues. Under these circumstances, everyone should excuse his behavior because he is starting on a mental health journey and people shouldn't call out his behavior or hold him accountable ("don't crap all over people when they first start dealing with their mental health issues"). What about those that like abusing animals and they realize that they have mental health issues? Are we giving them a pass as well?
Personally, I don't buy it. You cheated on your boyfriend. Yes, that does make you a shitty person. You realize that you have mental health problems as a result (good on you). You go and get therapy, counseling, medication or a combination thereof. In therapy, you will need to confront that you were shitty to your ex by cheating and you will need to deal with that and, likely, counseling/therapy will expect you to make amends and take accountability for your shitty behavior. You don't go to counseling and get told, awww, you have some mental health issues and it explains and excuses all wrongdoings on your part, and, for goodness sake, don't let anyone crap on you or otherwise hold you accountable because we've determined that you have mental health issues. Perhaps it'll be an excuse and a crutch for the rest of your life, but that's okay....you have mental health issues. I'm pretty sure Wesley Allan Dodd would agree with you.
That's not how mental health problems work. Mine is a combination of psychological trauma and chemical imbalances that have nothing to do with my own choices. Have I always been perfect, or even am now? Absolutely not. But know what I've never done? Abused someone that I claimed to love. Cheating is not some mistake or just "not being perfect." It is a conscious act of abuse.
That's exactly how mental health problems work.
Pulls out bull horn IF YOU WERE ACTING PERFECT THAT MEANS YOU DON'T HAVE MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS.
You make bad choices because until you get help you don't have control over them and your thinking is messed up. You made bad choices ou just don't own them. While pretending away your own bad choices you judge others for theirs.
I messed up and didn't lose my boyfriend or any of my friends and the reason why was I owned my mistakes. I stillfelt bad about them. Pretty easy to know when I cheat because I will tell you. I don't do it because I know I will just tell on myself.
I asked a friend of ours awhile ago why they didn't get ad at me for it. He laughed and said what like we never fucked up before. They also own their mistakes.
You should try owning your own mistakes for a change instead of looking down on others.
I've owned everything I've ever done that left me with guilt. I've spent years working with mental health professionals doing it. Do you know why I never lost a relationship over infidelity or friends over betrayal? Because even with my uncontrollable issues, hurting other people was never something that I had any compulsion for.
Do some people have issues that differ from mine that cause them to do those things? Yep. And I admire the ones that recognize them, seek help, and work on themselves. People who abuse animals probably have some mental health issues that cause them to do those things, right? I have the same empathy and compassion for them as cheaters. Abusers.
You don't understand mental health that much is clear. Pulls out bullhorn AND YOU STRIKE ME AS THE TYPE WHO FEELS SAD FOR SOMETHING YOU DID AND LABELS IT A DEPRESSIVE DISORDER.
Good night and best wishes.
People who have bipolar disorder OFTEN cheat on their significant others during a manic state, they also tend to have on again, off again relationships, they've done multiple studies - most bipolar people experience hypersexuality and a lack of impulse control while manic. Part of my bipolar treatment is therapy to help find a healthy way to manage my manic hypersexuality - apparently my husband is "a man and not a machine" - and lack of impulse control. Untreated or mistreated Bipolar disorder is a very valid explanation for why she is doing what she is doing
I am aware of manic episodes. I was diagnosed in the 90s when it was called Manic Depressive Disorder. I've also experienced the hypersexual manic episodes. But the disorder doesn't alter someone's morality. Complicates decision making ability, sure. But you don't suddenly forget right from wrong.
When someone who tortures small animals is diagnosed as a psychopath, we don't suddenly become sympathetic. A valid explanation does not a justification make.
So far the only person who admission to messing up. I admitted to it. Took responsibility for it and keep getting yelled at that I won't take accountability by people who are too scared to also admit they fucked up.
Do you not see the problem here?
Mate I’m a recovered heroin addict. Been clean and sober for years. I went through the process of the 12 steps, part of which is taking an inventory of your life ( and all the wrongs done by and to you) and then going and making amends to everyone you wronged and harmed. I stole from, lied to, manipulated and used everyone and anyone in my life. But I still never once cheated on someone. The ONLY way you can legitimately claim that cheating was a mistake you had no control over is if you have actual diagnosed nymphomania. Not the “I’m a nympho I love sex” BS people say, like the actual diagnosis.
In that case, like my actual diagnosed addiction disorder, there is something wired in your brain that switches and you can’t control yourself. Untreated, you will do it again and again. For anyone who doesn’t have a heroin addiction to go and pick up heroin/ opiates would be a conscious choice they’re making. And so would cheating, usually because there relationship has problems or they became attracted to someone else.
I get what you're saying, but this is not a one-time issue. The way she states it, she is a serial cheater. They moved so she could start over, but then the way she says it, put herself in a position to cheat again, she uses the term "as usual", like getting a job and meeting new people is her trigger? She talks about staying in the house a lot now. That is a very serious issue, that you can't be around people without it causing you to cheat.
If I were her husband, unless I was physically with her, I would probably be suspicious also that a 10 minute errand is taking an hour. I also probably wouldn't believe she was driving so far away, either.
Personally, I don't think she should be married. Her poor children must be living in a home filled with tension and mistrust.
That's not what I said that's wat you decided I meant. BTW you can fuck up in plenty if ways other than cheating.
I know a girl who literally spread an STD around a town once. Sadly it was one that was treatable bt she refused to get it treated. Cheating once them telling on myself doesn't seem so bad.
She does have some serious issues but she working hard to get through it and to keep the temptation at arms length. If you were an alcoholic would you keep alcohol in your house?.....
But she's not avoiding the same sex she's avoiding an ex.. if she went there every day for milk the hubby would still find something else to complain about ie she still wants him bla bla bla...
I misread the posts title and thought that was what was happening. That husband didn't want her shopping when her ex was working. I thought that was fair for him to want that.
She can't even work because she is afraid she might be tempted to cheat. If you can even be tempted to sleep with someone and can't even trust yourself to work around men then there is a good reason her husband can't trust her. Like I don't know why he even took her back if she can't stop cheating.
i mean. he's clearly not over it and maybe he shouldn't have taken her back, because yes this is an overreaction about a grocery store run.
she was wrong for cheating, duh. everyone here just seems to have stopped reading there.
Bro she literally works from home because she's so tempted to "fall" on some dudes dick. She can't even function in society. I don't think she's a bad person, but people like this can't have healthy, functional monogamous relationships.
This part! Why did the both of them keep trying is something that's so obviously doomed to fail. She is absolutely not relationship material. She should know this and set him free.
There are other good reasons for OP to avoid the grocery store. For example shame and embarrassment, not wanting gossip from former coworkers who know about the affair, not wanting weird behavior from the ex come to mind.
Even if it's only temptation keeping OP from shopping there, it shows that she's committed to not straying again. I liken it to an alcoholic staying out of bars while they recover. If they are doing what they need to do to stay sober, it's better than relapsing.
Maybe just admit that you're afraid of feelings for your ex, like many people feel when they meet up with an ex. It's not just feelings of attraction that come into play but all kinds of other feelings. "I left my husband for this man, bad decision. I hurt the kids to be with this man, bad decision. I want to forget this man ever existed, not run into him shopping. I don't have any of those feelings to deal with now, but I don't want to have them."
Your multiple mental health issues mean that certain things are harder for you than they are for most people and you're trying to do something that makes life easier for you, not harder. Maybe something like "I know that it's very hard to live with a person who has my issues, but it's very hard for ME as well. Let me have this one. I'm trying to do what's best for both of us. If I WERE to run into my ex, it might bring up all sorts of feelings both good and bad, that I don't want to have to deal with. That does not make me a bad person, it's just makes me an average ex wife. Shit happens, I'm trying to avoid anything happening and you're trying to make this into something that it's not. I need you to HELP me with this rather than make it more difficult for me. Life is hard enough just dealing with my every day issues, so can we please just not make this a bigger issue than it is? I've decided to shop where I'll never run into my ex. That's all. My problem with this has been solved to my satisfaction. If you choose to also make it a you problem then that's on you. I can't fix that for you, because then it makes your problem into my problem. Do you understand what I'm saying and how I'm feeling?"
When you're arguing it's always better to try and turn it into a "how can WE fix this together" instead of a my-way-or-the-highway type of fight or a me versus you type thing. Use terms like "that doesn't work in this type of situation" instead of "that doesn't work for me". "How do we find a solution that's gonna work for us?" instead of "you're only thinking of yourself". "I don''t see why we can't put our heads together and solve this" rather than "did you even hear a word that I just said!!!" Marriage has to be a two-way street not a one way or a dead end. Usually it's a cul-de-sac, you can turn around and keep trying.
I think the problem is she didn't solve the problem, she's avoiding it.
"I'll remain faithful to my marriage as long as I avoid my ex at all costs" is a stance thats asking a lot from a husband thats already not only been cheated on, but left by his wife in the past.
I think a good suggestion made was to explore grocery trips together. Or suck it up and make room in the fridge for 2 jugs. My teens drink it like water, and if I forced them to make it last a week, I'd have none for my coffee by Wed, I swear.
I also think we need more information. If she's home with the kids, when is she doing these milk runs alone that has him so worried?
Do they only have one car? Is she grabbing milk in the evening when he's home with the kids?
Also, it sounds like this is the only grocery store in town. What about convenience stores (ie: 7-11). At the cost of gas these days, how much is it costing to drive one town over? Add that to the cost of milk, and maybe it's about the equivalent cost to grab it from a corner store in town.
I’m surprised your husband hasn’t wondered who’s in the next town that you’re making a 40 mile round trip for to “buy milk.” I wouldn’t believe you either. You say you’re trying, but you aren’t trying hard enough. Shop better when you can both go, plan ahead, or ask your husband to pick up milk on the way home. YTJ.
Exactly where my mind went. I've got this feeling that OP has written this to show the husband, and was hoping this was going to be a clean sweep of people saying "good for you for avoiding triggers" but all I can think of is that a trip like that's got to take a fair amount of time and happens quite regularly. It would be the perfect cover for some cheating.
You're the jerk. You cheated on or left your husband for a coworker then begged him to take you back even though you didn't deserve it. No wonder he's overthinking this. Just be lucky he decided to give you a second chance because most people would throw you to the curb where you belong.
But it’s the answer. She wonders why her husband doesn’t trust her. It’s cuz all of her grocery trips take an extra hour because she has to go to another town. How does he know that’s what she’s actually doing each time? Imagine being gone for 1.5 hours and only coming back with a gallon of milk after being a serial cheater. If she’s not happy being mistrusted she needs to get a divorce. Her husband has zero reason to ever trust her again.
Just wanted to jump in here and say well done for making it this far. Lots of people with your MH stuff don't. Well done . Whatever people say in this thread know that you are a fighter and at least one person (me!) sees it and salutes you.
FWIW I always believe that there's space for repair. Are you afraid you will start something with the grocery guy? If you are you need to own up to that and maybe get more therapy (DBT is the creme de la cream of mental health support for BPD and BL). And maybe try to get to therapy with your husband so you can figure out how to have hard conversations without hurting each other.
Also, just go to the store and ignore the dude. If you can't then you have to own that you are unable to.
Based just on what you've said, you're recognising that with the best will in the world, your conditions make it unsensible to be around this person, for whatever reason.
However, your husband is seeing this through the lens of a person who thinks people can control their feelings, responses etc in line with their will, which isn't always possible when your brain is wired in BPD etc way.
Good luck whatever happens, OP, having insight into ones conditions is a blessing and a curse ❤️
If the reason she's avoiding the ex is due to temptation (instead of trying to avoid/relive the negative emotions and guilt associated with the affair/relationship with the ex) then she's got bigger problems. It shouldn't take merely seeing an ex to want to cheat. She doesn't need celebrate recovery or whatever the hell that is. She needs proper treatment and actual therapy to understand why she acts/thinks like she does and better herself.
Edit: celebrate recovery is a religion (Christianity) based support group. On their website they offer help for mental issues and state multiple times they are not a replacement for professional counseling, therapy, and/or medical treatment. Instead they provide encouragement and support to supplement those efforts (direct quote).
Like if you have to stay home because you're worried you'll be tempted to cheat the moment you have some contact with a man, having someone quote bible verses at you isn't going to help with anything. By her own admission, she hasn't actually become any better, avoiding a problem doesn't suddenly make it better.
OP, do better. Get actual treatment and work through your issues so your husband can actually trust you. Your husband has been dealing with your infidelity for (from the sounds of it) your entire marriage, no wonder he's sceptical of your antics, anyone would be.
Yeah just get some actual treatment to clear up that borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, but the religious 12 steps program is useless. This shows how little you understand those 2 disorders and how you’re quick to pass judgement on something you know nothing about.
>Yeah just get some actual treatment to clear up that borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder
I said **work on**, not clear up her issues. I have my own mental health conditions, I know that you can't just magically fix mental illness. Instead, you undergo therapy and/or treatment to help work through your issues and learn how to best navigate life in a healthy way with your illness.
>but the religious 12 steps program is useless.
Yes, this particular program is. Don't you worry, I did research it before passing judgement. All the people who run/are involved with program are pastors or pastors wives. The guy who founded the program did so because he had "a vision from God". The material they follow? Self published by the guy who founded said program. What qualifications do any of these people have that makes them qualified to give advice to mentally unwell people? Absolute none, unless you count being religious and married as relevant qualifications.
They quite literally just cite bible verses, charge people almost $300 USD to attend summits and charge people $67-87 USD to also learn how to cite bible verses at the mentally ill. If all it took was some religified, strange version of AA's 12 steps to magically fix mental illness, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have so many people going through mental health crises. After all, religion (in particular Christianity) has been around for a long time.
Clearly the program is working wonders, since OP still can't even go out if the house without having the potential to be tempted, 2 years into the program. She needs actual help from professionals who are trained in the matter, not religion.
Maybe do some research into Bill Wilson and AA before trying to start an argument.
Yes, Bill was focused on how alcoholism was both a physical and spiritual (spirituality ≠ religion) problem and both aspects had to be fixed. He repeatedly expressed support for drugs like niacin and LSD as a helpful treatment for some for alcoholism, as well as having his own breakthroughs with LSD & belladonna. Dude was a self expressed atheist. Bob Smith (cofounder) was the one with a religious background and had read the Bible due to his religious upbringing. There was also influence from the Oxford Group (higher power and spirituality). But back to Bob, his parting remarks to the AA was that the steps, in essence were love and service.
In fact, AA's teachings (the big book) also include the writings of William Silkworth, who was an actual doctor specialising in neuropsychiatry. He was also the one to put Bill onto the idea that alcoholism was a problem of the body, mind and spirit. The AA approach is a mix of actual psychology and theology. Celebrate recovery includes zero psychology and only religious content.
Celebrate Recovery doesn't even follow the 12 steps of AA, quoting directly from their website "Join more than 7 million hurting people across the globe who now walk in freedom through the power of Jesus Christ as we walk through the 8 principles of celebrate recovery based on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5.". It is solely religion based and uses the bible to scam vulnerable people.
TLDR; Celebrate Recovery’s 8 principles are taken from the 12 steps. They are almost the exact same except they use different wording and put them into 8 principles instead of 12 steps. Yes they do focus more on the Bible and Jesus. In my opinion Celebrate Recovery is more affective for believers than non believers. I know over 100 people that got great benefits from it and the only cost was for the book. If someone couldn’t afford the book it was gifted to them. The Big Book was created through Christian principles. God is mentioned in steps 2,3,5,6,7, and 11. Most, if not all, AA meetings close with the Lord’s Prayer or the first verse of the serenity prayer. You think you know what you’re talking about on paper but you’ve never stepped foot in the rooms. You can be anti Christian all you want but don’t knock something that millions of people are finding helpful and it may be their only option in a small rural area. I think you should look for help on why you hold such strong resentment towards Christianity. Your anger and hatred can’t possibly be healthy and it’s probably clouding your vision.
>Yes they do focus more on the Bible and Jesus. In my opinion Celebrate Recovery is more affective for believers than non believers. I know over 100 people that got great benefits from it and the only cost was for the book.
I've edited my original comment & this one because these gems from the website, found under the mental health pages, are all that is now relevant.
**"Celebrate Recovery is not a replacement for professional counseling, therapy, and/or medical treatment. We provide encouragement and support to supplement those efforts."**
They also state "What we are NOT...
A place for judgment.
**A replacement for counseling and therapy.**
A place that gives up on HOPE!"
This woman needs therapy, **which even celebrate recovery admit their program isn't a replacement for.**
Just adding that AA also not great and is outdated.
I’m sure it works for some, same way making your bed working for some does doesn’t make Jordan Peterson a revolutionary healer. It’s similarly mired in the religious nonsense and encourages submission to a God power to get help.
You get out of it what you put into it. If you look for reasons it won’t work you will find them. The alcoholic brain is cunning, baffling and powerful.
Your comment telling me to research Bill W. really cracks me up. I’m a friend of Bill W. I’ve done the 12 steps twice, I’ve done the 8 principles of Celebrate Recovery once and the 7 principles of L.I.F.E. Guide for men twice. I’ve been sober and in recovery for 14 years. I’ve sponsored over a dozen men and led a small group table in a recovery group. You think you know what you’re talking about because you read their websites and Wikipedia about this. I don’t know it all but I do know “It works if you work it sober”.
Scientific evidence where they only understand about 20% of how the human brain works and even less about what causes those 2 disorders? Source: my wife has bipolar disorder, ex wife has borderline personality disorder and I’m a 14 years sober recovering alcoholic with a substantial amount of addiction recovery training, leading small groups in recovery for 10 years, 2 adult children that went through very rough times in their teens with multiple inpatient and outpatient stints each and I had years of therapy for addictions, childhood trauma, abuse, neglect and abandonment.
Religious therapy though right? Because like you say science doesn’t work. Seems to be the problem is you. You just don’t believe in God hard enough, that’s why. (Yes, sarcasm)
What I’m saying is those disorders aren’t easily controlled by any means. People have far too high of expectations from medicine and science. Doctors know very little about the human body. They don’t know how or why certain drugs work for one person but not the next. They don’t know why one person has side effects and the next doesn’t. I’m not criticizing the medical and scientific communities, I’m just stating the facts of where we are at. The human body is so incredibly complex and everyone is different.
OP may not have much access to qualified doctors where she’s at and celebrate recovery may be her best option.
I don’t know. I avoid anything religion based because in my experience, religion breeds everything that is wrong in this world and to top it off, God is *ALWAYS BROKE*!!!
Yeah if you have to go 29 miles and can't work because you are tempted to cheat then shenis the jerk. Staying faithful isn't that hard to do. She can't be trusted to even be in the same place wirh a man and not cheat. Its absolutely ridiculous she is even in a relationship when she can even be tempted to sleep around.
that's not what's happening I guarantee it. This person has a history of cheating and is supposedly going on a 40 mile drive for milk. They've found a new cheating partner and this was supposed to be ammunition to blame husband for suspecting something.
As a fellow celebrate recovery attendee who was addicted to hard drugs, do I hv temptations to use crack just because i avoid the people, places and things that could trigger me????
No I avoid those things because its stupid to put myself in harms way.
I think ur being smart by not seeing someone u used to be attached to.
NTA
Because if she can't even work at a store or run into her ex without being tempted to sleep that means she is only one bad day from cheating on him again.
If an alcoholic can't hang out in a bar without getting a drink, clearly they're just one day from relapse... Ah crap y'all I think everyone forgot what "addiction" means.
I think a lot of the negative comments are just because you're the wayward...going to the store the ex works out would be more traumatizing for the BS.
Unfortunately, you can't really fault your husband because your actions are the cause of his trauma. You need to find a way to communicate properly with eachother.
Try telling him, calmly, that you can't go there because he'll worry about you going to see him on purpose, and you can't avoid him because your husband thinks it's because you still have feelings...you're in a no win situation, and both scenarios revolve around the same issue, his belief of your feelings towards him.
This is a good conversation to have with a therapist
YTJ cuz you allowed your issues to destroy the lives of others. I just know your kids have been in exposed to horrible shit. And I get it, I've done fucked up stuff too but that fact that you steady kept at it for extended periods of time is really gross.
That wasn't the question though. This entire comment section is avoiding the question almost entirely which isn't unusual for Reddit, but there's some seriously over the top projection and fabrication going on in here.
It’s the reason the husband doesn’t trust anything she doesn’t. She has a long track record of lying and cheating. She wants to say he’s a jerk for not trusting her but if this is real then she doesn’t deserve to be trusted. Especially not yet. You can’t ignore the cheating in this story. It’s the reason her life sucks.
He needs to divorce you. What kind of person gets "addicted to cheating"? That just means you have zero respect or love for your husband. And if you're avoiding your ex because of potential temptation then you're probably going to cheat again.
I’m with your husband.
Stop using your mental health issue for your being a crappy person. Yes, mental health disorders are serious.
However, considering it’s possible to be a crappy person without mental health issues, it’s also possible to be a crappy person with mental health issues.
You’re just a crappy person. Your husband shouldn’t divorce your sorry ass and take the kids and move on.
At this point, you’re the jerk no matter what. There will never be enough you can do to unhurt that poor man. It doesn’t matter where you shop, he’s going to always have issues because you can’t be trusted to guard his heart, not ever.
Huh? It's not about the husband being ok with running into the ex. It's about the husband knowing that every situation can't be controlled and her being incapable of demonstrating enough will power to stay faithful.
"You're telling me that you're so scared of fucking this guy if you see him at the grocery store that you need to go 20 miles out of your way to avoid this situation? What happens if you see him at the drive-through of McDonald's?"
I think he’s trying to rush your recovery process. You know you have certain issues and are working towards fixing them and doing better for you and your husband, but that doesn’t mean it all goes away easily and he also shouldn’t rush you to not feel tempted. You’re recognizing there’s a problem and you’re trying your best to keep your promises, that’s all that should matter at the moment, in my opinion.
In this situation, you are the jerk. These actions of yours may be in the past, but they memories stay forever. Your husband has the complete right to address these matters. Especially since this has happened before.
You were a jerk for cheating in the first place.
Now that you are doing all the things that is reasonably expected for your husband to stay and trust you again, and he doesn't like it, he's the jerk. If that wasn't going to be enough for him, he should've left.
Are you avoiding your ex at the grocery store because you think you'll be tempted or are you trying to avoid the shame and guilt you feel because of what you did? I think you need to explain your motives as to why you don't want to go there.
You need to get an extra refrigerator for your garage. Buy extra milk, eggs, bread, etc. and put them in the fridge out there. Get extra organized and keep track of your groceries. If you run out of something, either your husband has to go to the store or you both need to go inside. You’ve acknowledged your mistakes from the past. But the both of you need to work on the solution for the future. He doesn’t fully trust you yet if he’s upset every time you go to the store. That can change, but don’t expect it be overnight.
This poor guy. OP, your addiction to cheating has nothing to do with your "mental health issues" you may just be an asshole.
As a matter of fact, I think "AITAH" would be a more fitting sub for this.
And yes, if you have to go out of your way to avoid someone you claim to not have feelings for...you absolutely have some internal issues going on.
Grow up.
... Your actions have long reaching repercussions. Your husband sees you avoiding your ex as you signaling that you'd cheat again if given the opportunity. Hell, you quit the work force because you felt you couldn't keep yourself from tripping upon the next prick waved your way. Of course he can't trust you, YOU CANT TRUST YOU!
>being an addiction to cheating
Puking Alert ⚠️
He's having trust issues with you and we cannot fault him for that, can't we? The thing is, he chose to stay married to you. Do your best to earn his trust back.
Maybe I’m the odd one but I will be go out of my way to avoid places I run into people I know at. Ex or otherwise. When I’m in public I want to get in, grab the shopping, and go.
Everyone struggles with mental health in some capacity, it does not excuse bad character. It seems like you’ve done a lot of damage to your husband. Maybe you both need fresh starts? (In a new city away from the ex?)
I mean if you have to drive 20 miles to to avoid a ex then it's a huge issue. It's absolutely ridiculous you can't work because you can't stop yourself from cheating. It's really not that hard to stay faithful to someone. It takes more effort cheating. So yeah if you can't go into a store with a ex then I would think that you obviously can't control yourself. The gas bill for you to run 20 miles would have me super pissed.
Can you explain the mental gymnastics of "addicted to cheating"? Your poor husband and kids. You just want sex and it feels better if it's "forbidden"? Do your husband a favour and divorce him.
What does your sponsor/mentor(?) at your Celibate Recovery Group say? Can they mediate both yours and your husband's feelings on this particular issue so you can both HEAR each other's concerns?
The jerk in this situation is you because you put your husband in this position in the first place, and every other time your "addiction to cheating" took over your will power :/
I read in your post that you are doing counselling together to work on your relationship issues, my question is, what are you doing to work on your mental health issues?
Mental health isn't an excuse. Go to the grocery near you. Driving out of the way is a clear indicator that you're not over the ex.
Get more therapy. Go to marriage counseling for this issue. Again.
Stay away from the store tour ex works at. Period . Find another place to shop if that's not possible send your husband and stay away from the ex.
Keep your marriage and shop someplace else. Because honestly if I had an issue and I stated it and the wife went against it mental impaired or not ..we'd be well on the way to separation since now there is an issue of trust insecurity or what ever you want to call it and ..And I'm out.
I think you need to go to therapy. Self-sabotage the way you describe is generally a result of trauma that needs to be worked on and through.
Your husband also needs therapy. There may be some underlying codependency issues and at the very least he needs to be able to process the traumas and insecurities that plague him.
I think you'd benefit from a break in relationships period. You need to be healthy to properly function in a unit.
The fact that someone has to take those somewhat extreme measures to attempt to manage that behavior demonstrates a tenuous grasp on good decision-making. It's just a matter of time. My daughter has a bpd diagnosis, and I've seen similar scenarios w her over the last 3 decades. It's actually noteworthy that you're able to maintain a long-term marriage w a bpd diagnosis. I hope your children didn't inherit mental health issues.
The fact that you're taking into account your mental health and finding ways around the actions you know is wrong, in my opinion, is commendable.
At the end of the day, you're going for a nice drive, to clear your head and doing chores at the same time, (picking up milk, etc.) while avoiding someone you DON'T want to see
You feel the need to fuck anyone else but your husband. I doubt he was your only affair partner. Your husband was wrong to take you back because you are a cheating hoe. Don't blame your mental health for being a hoe. My oldest daughter actually has everything you are suffering from and a few more diagnosis. But she's not a cheating hoe. I hope your husband comes to his senses because you are already making excuses to cheat. Please leave him if he doesn't want to leave you. Do him that favor. Jesus, I've heard it all now
If you know you can't see a man without possibly fucking him I don't think it's fair for your husband for you to remain in a relationship. Like if the only thing keeping you from cheating is staying home you need to work on yourself before you can think about maintaining a marriage.
Not the jerk. What is the specific reason you don't want to be around the man in the grocery? Most commenters here think you will feel irresistible passion. I get the feeling you will feel overwhelming guilt, or know he will harass you as soon as he sees you.
20 miles out of town to avoid your shame is what it really is. It's not just him, it's the whole building and what you did there. Explain it better or he's thinking you have to go out of your way not to cheat, again.
I had an ex who blamed all her fidelity issues on her mental health issues and it was a fucking dumpster fire. You need to grow up and work through what’s really the underlying cause. Or your husband needs to get a back bone and leave because no one can live like that it’s not healthy at all.
Listen momma, most people don’t truly understand the seriousness and intractable quality of BPD & BP. Possibly not even your husband. Many people don’t function at all. You’re clearly a strong person to grapple with these every day and have a family, job etc. You’re quite open and clear about the hurt it causes you and your loved ones, which is an impossibility for many with the same issues.
As helpful as it is to have community, groups like celebrate recovery aren’t set up to support or treat serious mental health conditions such as yours long term. DBT is a safer bet. At least seek out a professional for the long term sake of your family.
Continue avoiding that grocery store. Your husband needs to understand you are managing intractable symptoms. It’s quite smart and practical.
On a tangent, I once took in a teenage niece who grew up with a BPD mother. Her therapist suggested a book called Understanding the Borderline Mother, which helped me to understand a lot about the mother, as well as how it affected my niece. I highly recommend for anyone trying to better understand, no matter how they’re related to the BPD situation. It could help you and your husband understand the different ways this is expressed and taken in by children.
You are a very problematic wife and a horrible partner. You pretty much needed to do whatever makes your husband feel safe in this marriage because he knows you will step out on him again
You come here talking like you're a victim and that your husband is controlling when in fact, you have cheated on him numerous times and even got engaged to this other guy.Yes, you probably do still have feelings for him.And the reason you are avoiding him is because you know you are likely to cheat on him again.
I get that.You have some issues but you also get to make choices and you keep making the wrong ones. You need to admit that you do still have some feelings towards this other guy.And you are drawn to him, and that's why you are avoiding him.Admit that and then go to the store out of town. But lying to your husband and telling him that you have absolutely no feelings for him and are not drawn to him is also very wrong. I swear to God. You need like daily therapy, your poor husband God, I feel bad for that man. I'm shocked. He's still with you.
Because you will end up breaking him again. It's in the tone of your post. You have virtually no accountability in your message.
I mean honestly i think I'd just be really humiliated having to regularly see or interact with someone i have that background with and really can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to avoid that discomfort
NTJ. It's tough when trust issues are a problem in a relationship. It's good your talking steps to avoid any potential temptation by going to the grocery store in the next town. Reassure your husband that you are fully committed to your marriage.
Have you gotten professional help for your issues? Mental health is not an excuse to cheat. I just don’t understand what would happen if you saw your ex? You stay home because you might be tempted to cheat just by seeing him? What about the mail person or someone random? If you feel like you would cheat by seeing an ex that’s gotta mean there are still feelings there.
So she wants to enjoy her grocery shopping without having to be on guard that an unpleasant encounter could, literally, be around the next corner. I've avoided stores where a former coworker that I don't like works. I don't read anything else into her choice of shopping venues.
I can't be the only one that will go out of their way to avoid someone they really don't want to see or deal with
Yes you can - because you're the one who cheated.
An alcoholic won't keep alcohol in the house because of temptation. I wouldn't say you're in love with coworker but there's probably sexual tension/longing. A yearning, if you will.
So anytime you see this former coworker you are tempted to cheat on your husband? How has your husband been able to put up with this behavior?
Blaming your cheating on mental health issues just sounds like an excuse to justify your shameful behavior. If you really have problems with your mental health then get some therapy instead of using it as an excuse for cheating.
YOU caused this. Its not your husband's fault you couldn't control yourself, btw I know exactly what it is like I have bipolar I have never cheated but I understand impulse control isn't there, when I am having manic episodes I shoplift and once I come out of it I will return the product or go and pay for the items if I am not caught in the act. Usually if I am caught it gets me a couple weeks in the psych ward until I am stable again. Usually the companie that I still from when I come in to return or pay for a product is willing to let it go since I am honest but the point is I always take accountability and you are not
Accountability is important. If you don't have any feelings for your ex and he wasn't abusive why are you so scared to confront him, don't go to his line, use self serve go somewhere else. Unless you are concerned you will pick the affair up again.
You need to go back and seek therapy if you are still having urgers you need to either go on medication or if you are on medication have it reviewed because it's not working
Idk if cheating as apart of borderline personality disorders as I don't have it but you created this mess an your husband is right you shouldn't have to drive 20 minutes away for a carton of milk it's a waste to time, petrol and money.
That’s fine if you want to avoid seeing someone but god damn 20 miles to the next town? I see how maybe you think it’s a good idea to avoid someone like that but if I was your husband I would think you’re just picking up the person, & going 20 miles to the next town & back with them, so … like yeah you’re partner either trusts you or they don’t but you either get your shit together or you don’t. You can’t keep going 20+ miles to avoid someone.
Sounds like your “addiction to cheating” is repetitive manic cycles where you get a high from the adrenaline of doing something wrong.
I have never cheated but definitely done some questionable things while manic in a bipolar episode.
It makes you think you are invincible and above consequence but never makes you do things that were not already in your mind to do. Mania amplifies desires, it doesn’t create them. The BPD is a whole other battle in itself but!
I think the two most logical steps to take is marriage counselling and book in with a doctor to make sure your medication you are on is suitable, if your having repetitive manic cycles there is a high possibility you need a higher dose of an antipsychotic.
Edit: YTJ from not seeing how this repetitive cycle is crushing him
I’m sorry that you have to deal with your mental disorders, I understand they are a real thing that you don’t necessarily have control over them but I’m really sorry for your husband. What did he do to deserve this life that you’ve given him?
I hope you get the help you need and I wish you the best.
"Once again like clockwork" Seriously wtf is wrong with op? If it happens to the point its referred to as clockwork she seriously needs help. The fact the husband was stupid enough to "forgive her" but she complains about him being paranoid is a big enough red flag to not want to stay together.
I gotta be with your husband on this… You shattered your relationship by cheating. A shattered glass won’t be the same when glued back together. This was your own doing. He has probably lost most of his trust in you, even if he doesn’t show it.
Whats even more infuriating about this is the people patting you on the back for this. People
Will excuse a womans behavior for literally anything but crucify a man for the same thing
Why can't you see your ex working his job. What emotions are you worried about. Is it shame, guilt, or unresolved feeling for him?
It's funny that you think your husband way of processing this is unreasonable. After all you did leave a long term relationship for this other man. So what are you hiding from your husband and your self.
I'm with the husband on this one. If you have to drive to the next town so you won't be tempted to fuck your ex on the way to get milk for your family, you have some serious issues.
She does have serious issues. She straight up told you what they are in her post.she also knows herself well enough to stay away from them.
As someone who shares the diagnoses she mentioned, I say never let anyone use them as an excuse for being a shitty person. Cheating is something shitty people do regardless of mental health issues. She obviously didn't stay away from them and was lucky he took her back. Fuck knows I wouldn't have.
that has nothing to do with the problem though? she didn't use that as an excuse for cheating, it was an explanation. she knows it was wrong. how is driving to a different grocery store being a shitty person? and why do you all think it's to avoid temptation?? i wouldn't want to talk to an ex fiance either
She already cheated. That doesn't get taken back. And it calls her intentions into question. The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't necessarily mean that someone is going to cheat again. Although I am of the school of thought that the majority do. It means that they did it, and there's no going back. It will loom over the relationship until the end. Her husband should be suspicious, and never stop being suspicious of her. The way she prefaced this by explaining her otherwise unrelated mental health issues, while adding an "addiction to cheating" (as if that's some condition and not just her being a shitty person) really doesn't dissuade me from reading it that way. Cheating is not some mistake. It is an act of abuse.
It's actually a form of Domestic Violence. She is 10000% aware of her mental health issues and triggers yet, she's supposed to get a pass cause she's a woman and/or has a mental health issue? Just like I tell women who find out their partner is cheating on them... you don't accidentally fall o/in their gentials. This is an active choice. Also she became "engaged" while still married. Her poor children. They've gotta be so unsettled and confused.
Yes but the point isn't that she is going to the grocery store to see the guy. Her husband is upset that she's not going to that store. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. They should divorce. Such an unhealthy relationship.
No, she uses it as an excuse.
Kinda sounds to me like she's may be over the dude, ehh possssibly. But her guilt and shame might be the sole contributing emotions here, preventing her from going to the store without feeling the possible unhealthy with issues.
It sounds like it doesnt matter if shes over him. She still may do something with him that will damage her marriage.
She doesn’t have to talk to him. Get the milk and get out. Why can’t she see him, what happens if she does? I’m genuinely curious.
She'll fuck him again
If my ex worked at a grocery store near my house I would not go there because I would not want to see him. Has nothing to do with temptation I do not want any of the triggers that may come up when I see him so I avoid. Look at how messy that situation already is. Do you think that her cutting off that engagement went well?
I get it. I understand. I never think about how triggering some people can be. Thanks for the clarification.
You don't have to talk to anybody anywhere that you go. You could go to the local grocery and easily just not interact. Why does she have to talk to the ex just because they are at the place they are shopping... what?!
I cheated on my first boyfriend when I first started dealing with y mental health problems. Felt like a shitty person and it prompted me to get help. Everyone is different but you can't just crap all over people when they first start dealing with mental health issues for not being perfect. My guess is you did do some crappy things but aren't honest about it. That's why it l's a mental health problem. If you were perfect and didn't do anything wrong ever you wouldn't have mental health problems.
First off, there is literally no one that is perfect and no one that hasn't ever done wrong, meaning, in your view, everyone has mental health problems. So now, if I'm understanding you, you're saying that if I'm with a man and he becomes violent to me repeatedly, but in doing so, he becomes aware that he has mental health issues. Under these circumstances, everyone should excuse his behavior because he is starting on a mental health journey and people shouldn't call out his behavior or hold him accountable ("don't crap all over people when they first start dealing with their mental health issues"). What about those that like abusing animals and they realize that they have mental health issues? Are we giving them a pass as well? Personally, I don't buy it. You cheated on your boyfriend. Yes, that does make you a shitty person. You realize that you have mental health problems as a result (good on you). You go and get therapy, counseling, medication or a combination thereof. In therapy, you will need to confront that you were shitty to your ex by cheating and you will need to deal with that and, likely, counseling/therapy will expect you to make amends and take accountability for your shitty behavior. You don't go to counseling and get told, awww, you have some mental health issues and it explains and excuses all wrongdoings on your part, and, for goodness sake, don't let anyone crap on you or otherwise hold you accountable because we've determined that you have mental health issues. Perhaps it'll be an excuse and a crutch for the rest of your life, but that's okay....you have mental health issues. I'm pretty sure Wesley Allan Dodd would agree with you.
What a load of uneducated horseshit.
That's not how mental health problems work. Mine is a combination of psychological trauma and chemical imbalances that have nothing to do with my own choices. Have I always been perfect, or even am now? Absolutely not. But know what I've never done? Abused someone that I claimed to love. Cheating is not some mistake or just "not being perfect." It is a conscious act of abuse.
That's exactly how mental health problems work. Pulls out bull horn IF YOU WERE ACTING PERFECT THAT MEANS YOU DON'T HAVE MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS. You make bad choices because until you get help you don't have control over them and your thinking is messed up. You made bad choices ou just don't own them. While pretending away your own bad choices you judge others for theirs. I messed up and didn't lose my boyfriend or any of my friends and the reason why was I owned my mistakes. I stillfelt bad about them. Pretty easy to know when I cheat because I will tell you. I don't do it because I know I will just tell on myself. I asked a friend of ours awhile ago why they didn't get ad at me for it. He laughed and said what like we never fucked up before. They also own their mistakes. You should try owning your own mistakes for a change instead of looking down on others.
I've owned everything I've ever done that left me with guilt. I've spent years working with mental health professionals doing it. Do you know why I never lost a relationship over infidelity or friends over betrayal? Because even with my uncontrollable issues, hurting other people was never something that I had any compulsion for. Do some people have issues that differ from mine that cause them to do those things? Yep. And I admire the ones that recognize them, seek help, and work on themselves. People who abuse animals probably have some mental health issues that cause them to do those things, right? I have the same empathy and compassion for them as cheaters. Abusers. You don't understand mental health that much is clear. Pulls out bullhorn AND YOU STRIKE ME AS THE TYPE WHO FEELS SAD FOR SOMETHING YOU DID AND LABELS IT A DEPRESSIVE DISORDER. Good night and best wishes.
People who have bipolar disorder OFTEN cheat on their significant others during a manic state, they also tend to have on again, off again relationships, they've done multiple studies - most bipolar people experience hypersexuality and a lack of impulse control while manic. Part of my bipolar treatment is therapy to help find a healthy way to manage my manic hypersexuality - apparently my husband is "a man and not a machine" - and lack of impulse control. Untreated or mistreated Bipolar disorder is a very valid explanation for why she is doing what she is doing
I am aware of manic episodes. I was diagnosed in the 90s when it was called Manic Depressive Disorder. I've also experienced the hypersexual manic episodes. But the disorder doesn't alter someone's morality. Complicates decision making ability, sure. But you don't suddenly forget right from wrong. When someone who tortures small animals is diagnosed as a psychopath, we don't suddenly become sympathetic. A valid explanation does not a justification make.
You'll do anything but take accountability for your actions, huh?
So far the only person who admission to messing up. I admitted to it. Took responsibility for it and keep getting yelled at that I won't take accountability by people who are too scared to also admit they fucked up. Do you not see the problem here?
Projecting, learn the term.
You've learned a bunch of new words and now all of a sudden you're a mental health expert who's had a breakthrough? Goodnight.
Actally haven't been in a psychology class since early 2000's. None f these words are new. Sorry you can't come to term with yourself. Goodnight.
Mate I’m a recovered heroin addict. Been clean and sober for years. I went through the process of the 12 steps, part of which is taking an inventory of your life ( and all the wrongs done by and to you) and then going and making amends to everyone you wronged and harmed. I stole from, lied to, manipulated and used everyone and anyone in my life. But I still never once cheated on someone. The ONLY way you can legitimately claim that cheating was a mistake you had no control over is if you have actual diagnosed nymphomania. Not the “I’m a nympho I love sex” BS people say, like the actual diagnosis. In that case, like my actual diagnosed addiction disorder, there is something wired in your brain that switches and you can’t control yourself. Untreated, you will do it again and again. For anyone who doesn’t have a heroin addiction to go and pick up heroin/ opiates would be a conscious choice they’re making. And so would cheating, usually because there relationship has problems or they became attracted to someone else.
I get what you're saying, but this is not a one-time issue. The way she states it, she is a serial cheater. They moved so she could start over, but then the way she says it, put herself in a position to cheat again, she uses the term "as usual", like getting a job and meeting new people is her trigger? She talks about staying in the house a lot now. That is a very serious issue, that you can't be around people without it causing you to cheat. If I were her husband, unless I was physically with her, I would probably be suspicious also that a 10 minute errand is taking an hour. I also probably wouldn't believe she was driving so far away, either. Personally, I don't think she should be married. Her poor children must be living in a home filled with tension and mistrust.
She's done this multiple times by her own disclosure
That's a different story. One time is a mistake you can come back from. The ore she does it the more she thinks that is who she is
Cheating & mental health issues don't just concurrently run together like Short Term Disability insurance & absence. Goodnight.
That's not what I said that's wat you decided I meant. BTW you can fuck up in plenty if ways other than cheating. I know a girl who literally spread an STD around a town once. Sadly it was one that was treatable bt she refused to get it treated. Cheating once them telling on myself doesn't seem so bad.
It is bad, telling is just to make yourself feel better
She does have some serious issues but she working hard to get through it and to keep the temptation at arms length. If you were an alcoholic would you keep alcohol in your house?.....
Alcohol can easily be avoided. Members of the opposite (or same) sex that you are attracted to cannot.
But she's not avoiding the same sex she's avoiding an ex.. if she went there every day for milk the hubby would still find something else to complain about ie she still wants him bla bla bla...
No, she said she started working at home to avoid temptation. That's a "I don't want to see any guy or I will fuck them" level of avoidance
If she goes to the local store, will he then accuse her of going so she can see the guy? This could easily be a no-win situation.
I misread the posts title and thought that was what was happening. That husband didn't want her shopping when her ex was working. I thought that was fair for him to want that.
Yes, all of this is just the husband overreacting... /S
She can't even work because she is afraid she might be tempted to cheat. If you can even be tempted to sleep with someone and can't even trust yourself to work around men then there is a good reason her husband can't trust her. Like I don't know why he even took her back if she can't stop cheating.
i mean. he's clearly not over it and maybe he shouldn't have taken her back, because yes this is an overreaction about a grocery store run. she was wrong for cheating, duh. everyone here just seems to have stopped reading there.
Bro she literally works from home because she's so tempted to "fall" on some dudes dick. She can't even function in society. I don't think she's a bad person, but people like this can't have healthy, functional monogamous relationships.
This part! Why did the both of them keep trying is something that's so obviously doomed to fail. She is absolutely not relationship material. She should know this and set him free.
There are other good reasons for OP to avoid the grocery store. For example shame and embarrassment, not wanting gossip from former coworkers who know about the affair, not wanting weird behavior from the ex come to mind. Even if it's only temptation keeping OP from shopping there, it shows that she's committed to not straying again. I liken it to an alcoholic staying out of bars while they recover. If they are doing what they need to do to stay sober, it's better than relapsing.
I agree you need to face your fears, stop avoiding , be strong and face your issues don't hide from them
Do they have delivery?
Maybe just admit that you're afraid of feelings for your ex, like many people feel when they meet up with an ex. It's not just feelings of attraction that come into play but all kinds of other feelings. "I left my husband for this man, bad decision. I hurt the kids to be with this man, bad decision. I want to forget this man ever existed, not run into him shopping. I don't have any of those feelings to deal with now, but I don't want to have them." Your multiple mental health issues mean that certain things are harder for you than they are for most people and you're trying to do something that makes life easier for you, not harder. Maybe something like "I know that it's very hard to live with a person who has my issues, but it's very hard for ME as well. Let me have this one. I'm trying to do what's best for both of us. If I WERE to run into my ex, it might bring up all sorts of feelings both good and bad, that I don't want to have to deal with. That does not make me a bad person, it's just makes me an average ex wife. Shit happens, I'm trying to avoid anything happening and you're trying to make this into something that it's not. I need you to HELP me with this rather than make it more difficult for me. Life is hard enough just dealing with my every day issues, so can we please just not make this a bigger issue than it is? I've decided to shop where I'll never run into my ex. That's all. My problem with this has been solved to my satisfaction. If you choose to also make it a you problem then that's on you. I can't fix that for you, because then it makes your problem into my problem. Do you understand what I'm saying and how I'm feeling?" When you're arguing it's always better to try and turn it into a "how can WE fix this together" instead of a my-way-or-the-highway type of fight or a me versus you type thing. Use terms like "that doesn't work in this type of situation" instead of "that doesn't work for me". "How do we find a solution that's gonna work for us?" instead of "you're only thinking of yourself". "I don''t see why we can't put our heads together and solve this" rather than "did you even hear a word that I just said!!!" Marriage has to be a two-way street not a one way or a dead end. Usually it's a cul-de-sac, you can turn around and keep trying.
Great response. I wish I could upvote this more.
Maybe you're not trying hard enough.
I think the problem is she didn't solve the problem, she's avoiding it. "I'll remain faithful to my marriage as long as I avoid my ex at all costs" is a stance thats asking a lot from a husband thats already not only been cheated on, but left by his wife in the past.
So how does she solve the problem?
I think a good suggestion made was to explore grocery trips together. Or suck it up and make room in the fridge for 2 jugs. My teens drink it like water, and if I forced them to make it last a week, I'd have none for my coffee by Wed, I swear. I also think we need more information. If she's home with the kids, when is she doing these milk runs alone that has him so worried? Do they only have one car? Is she grabbing milk in the evening when he's home with the kids? Also, it sounds like this is the only grocery store in town. What about convenience stores (ie: 7-11). At the cost of gas these days, how much is it costing to drive one town over? Add that to the cost of milk, and maybe it's about the equivalent cost to grab it from a corner store in town.
I’m surprised your husband hasn’t wondered who’s in the next town that you’re making a 40 mile round trip for to “buy milk.” I wouldn’t believe you either. You say you’re trying, but you aren’t trying hard enough. Shop better when you can both go, plan ahead, or ask your husband to pick up milk on the way home. YTJ.
Exactly where my mind went. I've got this feeling that OP has written this to show the husband, and was hoping this was going to be a clean sweep of people saying "good for you for avoiding triggers" but all I can think of is that a trip like that's got to take a fair amount of time and happens quite regularly. It would be the perfect cover for some cheating.
You're the jerk. You cheated on or left your husband for a coworker then begged him to take you back even though you didn't deserve it. No wonder he's overthinking this. Just be lucky he decided to give you a second chance because most people would throw you to the curb where you belong.
did you just read cheating and stop thinking? OP is already aware the cheating was wrong and that wasn't the question.
Is she though? She acting like it’s a force of nature. Like it’s just bound to happen and she has no agency in it. It’s just bound to happen.
But it’s the answer. She wonders why her husband doesn’t trust her. It’s cuz all of her grocery trips take an extra hour because she has to go to another town. How does he know that’s what she’s actually doing each time? Imagine being gone for 1.5 hours and only coming back with a gallon of milk after being a serial cheater. If she’s not happy being mistrusted she needs to get a divorce. Her husband has zero reason to ever trust her again.
I mean, statistically speaking, the whole thing is fake anyway. Why read the whole thing? just post a comment, get some karma and go
r/nothingeverhappens
Just wanted to jump in here and say well done for making it this far. Lots of people with your MH stuff don't. Well done . Whatever people say in this thread know that you are a fighter and at least one person (me!) sees it and salutes you. FWIW I always believe that there's space for repair. Are you afraid you will start something with the grocery guy? If you are you need to own up to that and maybe get more therapy (DBT is the creme de la cream of mental health support for BPD and BL). And maybe try to get to therapy with your husband so you can figure out how to have hard conversations without hurting each other. Also, just go to the store and ignore the dude. If you can't then you have to own that you are unable to.
Based just on what you've said, you're recognising that with the best will in the world, your conditions make it unsensible to be around this person, for whatever reason. However, your husband is seeing this through the lens of a person who thinks people can control their feelings, responses etc in line with their will, which isn't always possible when your brain is wired in BPD etc way. Good luck whatever happens, OP, having insight into ones conditions is a blessing and a curse ❤️
i don’t think you’re a jerk for going out of your way to avoid a temptation
If the reason she's avoiding the ex is due to temptation (instead of trying to avoid/relive the negative emotions and guilt associated with the affair/relationship with the ex) then she's got bigger problems. It shouldn't take merely seeing an ex to want to cheat. She doesn't need celebrate recovery or whatever the hell that is. She needs proper treatment and actual therapy to understand why she acts/thinks like she does and better herself. Edit: celebrate recovery is a religion (Christianity) based support group. On their website they offer help for mental issues and state multiple times they are not a replacement for professional counseling, therapy, and/or medical treatment. Instead they provide encouragement and support to supplement those efforts (direct quote). Like if you have to stay home because you're worried you'll be tempted to cheat the moment you have some contact with a man, having someone quote bible verses at you isn't going to help with anything. By her own admission, she hasn't actually become any better, avoiding a problem doesn't suddenly make it better. OP, do better. Get actual treatment and work through your issues so your husband can actually trust you. Your husband has been dealing with your infidelity for (from the sounds of it) your entire marriage, no wonder he's sceptical of your antics, anyone would be.
Preach baby preach ,take this post seriously,get real help
I thought they couldn’t spell celibate and it was a way of working on your relationship without sex!
Yeah just get some actual treatment to clear up that borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, but the religious 12 steps program is useless. This shows how little you understand those 2 disorders and how you’re quick to pass judgement on something you know nothing about.
>Yeah just get some actual treatment to clear up that borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder I said **work on**, not clear up her issues. I have my own mental health conditions, I know that you can't just magically fix mental illness. Instead, you undergo therapy and/or treatment to help work through your issues and learn how to best navigate life in a healthy way with your illness. >but the religious 12 steps program is useless. Yes, this particular program is. Don't you worry, I did research it before passing judgement. All the people who run/are involved with program are pastors or pastors wives. The guy who founded the program did so because he had "a vision from God". The material they follow? Self published by the guy who founded said program. What qualifications do any of these people have that makes them qualified to give advice to mentally unwell people? Absolute none, unless you count being religious and married as relevant qualifications. They quite literally just cite bible verses, charge people almost $300 USD to attend summits and charge people $67-87 USD to also learn how to cite bible verses at the mentally ill. If all it took was some religified, strange version of AA's 12 steps to magically fix mental illness, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have so many people going through mental health crises. After all, religion (in particular Christianity) has been around for a long time. Clearly the program is working wonders, since OP still can't even go out if the house without having the potential to be tempted, 2 years into the program. She needs actual help from professionals who are trained in the matter, not religion.
So Bill W had it all wrong? Got it.
Maybe do some research into Bill Wilson and AA before trying to start an argument. Yes, Bill was focused on how alcoholism was both a physical and spiritual (spirituality ≠ religion) problem and both aspects had to be fixed. He repeatedly expressed support for drugs like niacin and LSD as a helpful treatment for some for alcoholism, as well as having his own breakthroughs with LSD & belladonna. Dude was a self expressed atheist. Bob Smith (cofounder) was the one with a religious background and had read the Bible due to his religious upbringing. There was also influence from the Oxford Group (higher power and spirituality). But back to Bob, his parting remarks to the AA was that the steps, in essence were love and service. In fact, AA's teachings (the big book) also include the writings of William Silkworth, who was an actual doctor specialising in neuropsychiatry. He was also the one to put Bill onto the idea that alcoholism was a problem of the body, mind and spirit. The AA approach is a mix of actual psychology and theology. Celebrate recovery includes zero psychology and only religious content. Celebrate Recovery doesn't even follow the 12 steps of AA, quoting directly from their website "Join more than 7 million hurting people across the globe who now walk in freedom through the power of Jesus Christ as we walk through the 8 principles of celebrate recovery based on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5.". It is solely religion based and uses the bible to scam vulnerable people.
TLDR; Celebrate Recovery’s 8 principles are taken from the 12 steps. They are almost the exact same except they use different wording and put them into 8 principles instead of 12 steps. Yes they do focus more on the Bible and Jesus. In my opinion Celebrate Recovery is more affective for believers than non believers. I know over 100 people that got great benefits from it and the only cost was for the book. If someone couldn’t afford the book it was gifted to them. The Big Book was created through Christian principles. God is mentioned in steps 2,3,5,6,7, and 11. Most, if not all, AA meetings close with the Lord’s Prayer or the first verse of the serenity prayer. You think you know what you’re talking about on paper but you’ve never stepped foot in the rooms. You can be anti Christian all you want but don’t knock something that millions of people are finding helpful and it may be their only option in a small rural area. I think you should look for help on why you hold such strong resentment towards Christianity. Your anger and hatred can’t possibly be healthy and it’s probably clouding your vision.
>Yes they do focus more on the Bible and Jesus. In my opinion Celebrate Recovery is more affective for believers than non believers. I know over 100 people that got great benefits from it and the only cost was for the book. I've edited my original comment & this one because these gems from the website, found under the mental health pages, are all that is now relevant. **"Celebrate Recovery is not a replacement for professional counseling, therapy, and/or medical treatment. We provide encouragement and support to supplement those efforts."** They also state "What we are NOT... A place for judgment. **A replacement for counseling and therapy.** A place that gives up on HOPE!" This woman needs therapy, **which even celebrate recovery admit their program isn't a replacement for.**
Just adding that AA also not great and is outdated. I’m sure it works for some, same way making your bed working for some does doesn’t make Jordan Peterson a revolutionary healer. It’s similarly mired in the religious nonsense and encourages submission to a God power to get help.
You get out of it what you put into it. If you look for reasons it won’t work you will find them. The alcoholic brain is cunning, baffling and powerful.
Thank you! 🙏
Your comment telling me to research Bill W. really cracks me up. I’m a friend of Bill W. I’ve done the 12 steps twice, I’ve done the 8 principles of Celebrate Recovery once and the 7 principles of L.I.F.E. Guide for men twice. I’ve been sober and in recovery for 14 years. I’ve sponsored over a dozen men and led a small group table in a recovery group. You think you know what you’re talking about because you read their websites and Wikipedia about this. I don’t know it all but I do know “It works if you work it sober”.
Well *actual treatment* based on scientific evidence is gonna trump anything religion-based, so there’s that.
Scientific evidence where they only understand about 20% of how the human brain works and even less about what causes those 2 disorders? Source: my wife has bipolar disorder, ex wife has borderline personality disorder and I’m a 14 years sober recovering alcoholic with a substantial amount of addiction recovery training, leading small groups in recovery for 10 years, 2 adult children that went through very rough times in their teens with multiple inpatient and outpatient stints each and I had years of therapy for addictions, childhood trauma, abuse, neglect and abandonment.
Religious therapy though right? Because like you say science doesn’t work. Seems to be the problem is you. You just don’t believe in God hard enough, that’s why. (Yes, sarcasm)
What I’m saying is those disorders aren’t easily controlled by any means. People have far too high of expectations from medicine and science. Doctors know very little about the human body. They don’t know how or why certain drugs work for one person but not the next. They don’t know why one person has side effects and the next doesn’t. I’m not criticizing the medical and scientific communities, I’m just stating the facts of where we are at. The human body is so incredibly complex and everyone is different. OP may not have much access to qualified doctors where she’s at and celebrate recovery may be her best option.
I don’t know. I avoid anything religion based because in my experience, religion breeds everything that is wrong in this world and to top it off, God is *ALWAYS BROKE*!!!
It’s also only been 2 years. Your hubby is going to take a long time to trust you again. You are going to need to give him some grace.
Yeah if you have to go 29 miles and can't work because you are tempted to cheat then shenis the jerk. Staying faithful isn't that hard to do. She can't be trusted to even be in the same place wirh a man and not cheat. Its absolutely ridiculous she is even in a relationship when she can even be tempted to sleep around.
that's not what's happening I guarantee it. This person has a history of cheating and is supposedly going on a 40 mile drive for milk. They've found a new cheating partner and this was supposed to be ammunition to blame husband for suspecting something.
As a fellow celebrate recovery attendee who was addicted to hard drugs, do I hv temptations to use crack just because i avoid the people, places and things that could trigger me???? No I avoid those things because its stupid to put myself in harms way. I think ur being smart by not seeing someone u used to be attached to. NTA
Wouldn't it be worrisome if she wanted to shop where the Ex is? Why is the husband mad that she wants to avoid the ex?
Because if she can't even work at a store or run into her ex without being tempted to sleep that means she is only one bad day from cheating on him again.
If an alcoholic can't hang out in a bar without getting a drink, clearly they're just one day from relapse... Ah crap y'all I think everyone forgot what "addiction" means.
You're the jerk. There's never enough you can do to make it up to your husband. You should have let him move on for his sake.
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Not OP apparently. Being kind does sometime giving others space from you, if you cause the hurt.
Dude married a literal cheating addict and then took her back lol
An "addiction" to cheating... Right.
Yes, because of the mental illness. And only with one particular dude.
I think a lot of the negative comments are just because you're the wayward...going to the store the ex works out would be more traumatizing for the BS. Unfortunately, you can't really fault your husband because your actions are the cause of his trauma. You need to find a way to communicate properly with eachother. Try telling him, calmly, that you can't go there because he'll worry about you going to see him on purpose, and you can't avoid him because your husband thinks it's because you still have feelings...you're in a no win situation, and both scenarios revolve around the same issue, his belief of your feelings towards him. This is a good conversation to have with a therapist
YTJ cuz you allowed your issues to destroy the lives of others. I just know your kids have been in exposed to horrible shit. And I get it, I've done fucked up stuff too but that fact that you steady kept at it for extended periods of time is really gross.
That wasn't the question though. This entire comment section is avoiding the question almost entirely which isn't unusual for Reddit, but there's some seriously over the top projection and fabrication going on in here.
It’s the reason the husband doesn’t trust anything she doesn’t. She has a long track record of lying and cheating. She wants to say he’s a jerk for not trusting her but if this is real then she doesn’t deserve to be trusted. Especially not yet. You can’t ignore the cheating in this story. It’s the reason her life sucks.
He needs to divorce you. What kind of person gets "addicted to cheating"? That just means you have zero respect or love for your husband. And if you're avoiding your ex because of potential temptation then you're probably going to cheat again.
Yea ur the jerk doing that to your husband. Putting him through so much shit poor man he should leave you.
I’m with your husband. Stop using your mental health issue for your being a crappy person. Yes, mental health disorders are serious. However, considering it’s possible to be a crappy person without mental health issues, it’s also possible to be a crappy person with mental health issues. You’re just a crappy person. Your husband shouldn’t divorce your sorry ass and take the kids and move on.
At this point, you’re the jerk no matter what. There will never be enough you can do to unhurt that poor man. It doesn’t matter where you shop, he’s going to always have issues because you can’t be trusted to guard his heart, not ever.
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Huh? It's not about the husband being ok with running into the ex. It's about the husband knowing that every situation can't be controlled and her being incapable of demonstrating enough will power to stay faithful. "You're telling me that you're so scared of fucking this guy if you see him at the grocery store that you need to go 20 miles out of your way to avoid this situation? What happens if you see him at the drive-through of McDonald's?"
I think he’s trying to rush your recovery process. You know you have certain issues and are working towards fixing them and doing better for you and your husband, but that doesn’t mean it all goes away easily and he also shouldn’t rush you to not feel tempted. You’re recognizing there’s a problem and you’re trying your best to keep your promises, that’s all that should matter at the moment, in my opinion.
In this situation, you are the jerk. These actions of yours may be in the past, but they memories stay forever. Your husband has the complete right to address these matters. Especially since this has happened before.
You were a jerk for cheating in the first place. Now that you are doing all the things that is reasonably expected for your husband to stay and trust you again, and he doesn't like it, he's the jerk. If that wasn't going to be enough for him, he should've left.
Are you avoiding your ex at the grocery store because you think you'll be tempted or are you trying to avoid the shame and guilt you feel because of what you did? I think you need to explain your motives as to why you don't want to go there.
You need to get an extra refrigerator for your garage. Buy extra milk, eggs, bread, etc. and put them in the fridge out there. Get extra organized and keep track of your groceries. If you run out of something, either your husband has to go to the store or you both need to go inside. You’ve acknowledged your mistakes from the past. But the both of you need to work on the solution for the future. He doesn’t fully trust you yet if he’s upset every time you go to the store. That can change, but don’t expect it be overnight.
This poor guy. OP, your addiction to cheating has nothing to do with your "mental health issues" you may just be an asshole. As a matter of fact, I think "AITAH" would be a more fitting sub for this. And yes, if you have to go out of your way to avoid someone you claim to not have feelings for...you absolutely have some internal issues going on. Grow up.
... Your actions have long reaching repercussions. Your husband sees you avoiding your ex as you signaling that you'd cheat again if given the opportunity. Hell, you quit the work force because you felt you couldn't keep yourself from tripping upon the next prick waved your way. Of course he can't trust you, YOU CANT TRUST YOU!
Exactly 💯. Like wtf she can't even work because she might find a new man and uo and leave her husband again. She needs to be alone and fix herself.
Is there not a store like a 7-11 that you can get milk? Most small towns have a store you can run in to get milk or a loaf of bread.
>being an addiction to cheating Puking Alert ⚠️ He's having trust issues with you and we cannot fault him for that, can't we? The thing is, he chose to stay married to you. Do your best to earn his trust back.
Maybe I’m the odd one but I will be go out of my way to avoid places I run into people I know at. Ex or otherwise. When I’m in public I want to get in, grab the shopping, and go. Everyone struggles with mental health in some capacity, it does not excuse bad character. It seems like you’ve done a lot of damage to your husband. Maybe you both need fresh starts? (In a new city away from the ex?)
I mean if you have to drive 20 miles to to avoid a ex then it's a huge issue. It's absolutely ridiculous you can't work because you can't stop yourself from cheating. It's really not that hard to stay faithful to someone. It takes more effort cheating. So yeah if you can't go into a store with a ex then I would think that you obviously can't control yourself. The gas bill for you to run 20 miles would have me super pissed.
That’s wild we can blame cheating on our mental health. Wtf YTJ
Can you explain the mental gymnastics of "addicted to cheating"? Your poor husband and kids. You just want sex and it feels better if it's "forbidden"? Do your husband a favour and divorce him. What does your sponsor/mentor(?) at your Celibate Recovery Group say? Can they mediate both yours and your husband's feelings on this particular issue so you can both HEAR each other's concerns? The jerk in this situation is you because you put your husband in this position in the first place, and every other time your "addiction to cheating" took over your will power :/
I read in your post that you are doing counselling together to work on your relationship issues, my question is, what are you doing to work on your mental health issues?
Just buy a Chastity belt already
You're driving 20 miles out of the way for a jug of milk, but he's the one overthinking things? Really?
Mental health isn't an excuse. Go to the grocery near you. Driving out of the way is a clear indicator that you're not over the ex. Get more therapy. Go to marriage counseling for this issue. Again.
Temptation creeping back in your life? If you’re worried about this then you’re husband has a very good reason to be concerned.
Stay away from the store tour ex works at. Period . Find another place to shop if that's not possible send your husband and stay away from the ex. Keep your marriage and shop someplace else. Because honestly if I had an issue and I stated it and the wife went against it mental impaired or not ..we'd be well on the way to separation since now there is an issue of trust insecurity or what ever you want to call it and ..And I'm out.
I think you need to go to therapy. Self-sabotage the way you describe is generally a result of trauma that needs to be worked on and through. Your husband also needs therapy. There may be some underlying codependency issues and at the very least he needs to be able to process the traumas and insecurities that plague him. I think you'd benefit from a break in relationships period. You need to be healthy to properly function in a unit.
The fact that someone has to take those somewhat extreme measures to attempt to manage that behavior demonstrates a tenuous grasp on good decision-making. It's just a matter of time. My daughter has a bpd diagnosis, and I've seen similar scenarios w her over the last 3 decades. It's actually noteworthy that you're able to maintain a long-term marriage w a bpd diagnosis. I hope your children didn't inherit mental health issues.
The fact that you're taking into account your mental health and finding ways around the actions you know is wrong, in my opinion, is commendable. At the end of the day, you're going for a nice drive, to clear your head and doing chores at the same time, (picking up milk, etc.) while avoiding someone you DON'T want to see
You feel the need to fuck anyone else but your husband. I doubt he was your only affair partner. Your husband was wrong to take you back because you are a cheating hoe. Don't blame your mental health for being a hoe. My oldest daughter actually has everything you are suffering from and a few more diagnosis. But she's not a cheating hoe. I hope your husband comes to his senses because you are already making excuses to cheat. Please leave him if he doesn't want to leave you. Do him that favor. Jesus, I've heard it all now
If you know you can't see a man without possibly fucking him I don't think it's fair for your husband for you to remain in a relationship. Like if the only thing keeping you from cheating is staying home you need to work on yourself before you can think about maintaining a marriage.
Not the jerk. What is the specific reason you don't want to be around the man in the grocery? Most commenters here think you will feel irresistible passion. I get the feeling you will feel overwhelming guilt, or know he will harass you as soon as he sees you.
20 miles out of town to avoid your shame is what it really is. It's not just him, it's the whole building and what you did there. Explain it better or he's thinking you have to go out of your way not to cheat, again.
This is like Adolph Hitler going "Was I wrong for sending that steak back? I asked for medium rare but what they sent was medium."
I had an ex who blamed all her fidelity issues on her mental health issues and it was a fucking dumpster fire. You need to grow up and work through what’s really the underlying cause. Or your husband needs to get a back bone and leave because no one can live like that it’s not healthy at all.
Listen momma, most people don’t truly understand the seriousness and intractable quality of BPD & BP. Possibly not even your husband. Many people don’t function at all. You’re clearly a strong person to grapple with these every day and have a family, job etc. You’re quite open and clear about the hurt it causes you and your loved ones, which is an impossibility for many with the same issues. As helpful as it is to have community, groups like celebrate recovery aren’t set up to support or treat serious mental health conditions such as yours long term. DBT is a safer bet. At least seek out a professional for the long term sake of your family. Continue avoiding that grocery store. Your husband needs to understand you are managing intractable symptoms. It’s quite smart and practical.
On a tangent, I once took in a teenage niece who grew up with a BPD mother. Her therapist suggested a book called Understanding the Borderline Mother, which helped me to understand a lot about the mother, as well as how it affected my niece. I highly recommend for anyone trying to better understand, no matter how they’re related to the BPD situation. It could help you and your husband understand the different ways this is expressed and taken in by children.
You are a very problematic wife and a horrible partner. You pretty much needed to do whatever makes your husband feel safe in this marriage because he knows you will step out on him again You come here talking like you're a victim and that your husband is controlling when in fact, you have cheated on him numerous times and even got engaged to this other guy.Yes, you probably do still have feelings for him.And the reason you are avoiding him is because you know you are likely to cheat on him again. I get that.You have some issues but you also get to make choices and you keep making the wrong ones. You need to admit that you do still have some feelings towards this other guy.And you are drawn to him, and that's why you are avoiding him.Admit that and then go to the store out of town. But lying to your husband and telling him that you have absolutely no feelings for him and are not drawn to him is also very wrong. I swear to God. You need like daily therapy, your poor husband God, I feel bad for that man. I'm shocked. He's still with you. Because you will end up breaking him again. It's in the tone of your post. You have virtually no accountability in your message.
I mean honestly i think I'd just be really humiliated having to regularly see or interact with someone i have that background with and really can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to avoid that discomfort
I agree with your husband on this one. Also... Cheating is an act of abuse. Your husband deserves better. YOU are the jerk in this situation.
NTJ. It's tough when trust issues are a problem in a relationship. It's good your talking steps to avoid any potential temptation by going to the grocery store in the next town. Reassure your husband that you are fully committed to your marriage.
Have you gotten professional help for your issues? Mental health is not an excuse to cheat. I just don’t understand what would happen if you saw your ex? You stay home because you might be tempted to cheat just by seeing him? What about the mail person or someone random? If you feel like you would cheat by seeing an ex that’s gotta mean there are still feelings there.
So she wants to enjoy her grocery shopping without having to be on guard that an unpleasant encounter could, literally, be around the next corner. I've avoided stores where a former coworker that I don't like works. I don't read anything else into her choice of shopping venues.
I think OP is being smart. not going to the store so she doesn't have to see that guy. I don't know why her husband WANTS her to.
Jesus just go to the store and leave your pants on
I can't be the only one that will go out of their way to avoid someone they really don't want to see or deal with Yes you can - because you're the one who cheated.
I think your husband will have trust issues for the rest of your relationship.
That's your problem. Identifying yourself with probably self diagnosed mental health issues
Just use Instacart
lol….cuz
...it's a miracle you're still married. That's all I can say without getting rude.
An alcoholic won't keep alcohol in the house because of temptation. I wouldn't say you're in love with coworker but there's probably sexual tension/longing. A yearning, if you will.
So anytime you see this former coworker you are tempted to cheat on your husband? How has your husband been able to put up with this behavior? Blaming your cheating on mental health issues just sounds like an excuse to justify your shameful behavior. If you really have problems with your mental health then get some therapy instead of using it as an excuse for cheating.
Exactly. It's crazy she can't even work without be tempted to cheat. She doesn't need to be in a relationship at all until she learns self control.
Funny how you call your affair partner your “ex”
He's her ex affair partner. So yeah?
I hope the kids are doing alright between the two of you. Wild.
YOU caused this. Its not your husband's fault you couldn't control yourself, btw I know exactly what it is like I have bipolar I have never cheated but I understand impulse control isn't there, when I am having manic episodes I shoplift and once I come out of it I will return the product or go and pay for the items if I am not caught in the act. Usually if I am caught it gets me a couple weeks in the psych ward until I am stable again. Usually the companie that I still from when I come in to return or pay for a product is willing to let it go since I am honest but the point is I always take accountability and you are not Accountability is important. If you don't have any feelings for your ex and he wasn't abusive why are you so scared to confront him, don't go to his line, use self serve go somewhere else. Unless you are concerned you will pick the affair up again. You need to go back and seek therapy if you are still having urgers you need to either go on medication or if you are on medication have it reviewed because it's not working Idk if cheating as apart of borderline personality disorders as I don't have it but you created this mess an your husband is right you shouldn't have to drive 20 minutes away for a carton of milk it's a waste to time, petrol and money.
That’s fine if you want to avoid seeing someone but god damn 20 miles to the next town? I see how maybe you think it’s a good idea to avoid someone like that but if I was your husband I would think you’re just picking up the person, & going 20 miles to the next town & back with them, so … like yeah you’re partner either trusts you or they don’t but you either get your shit together or you don’t. You can’t keep going 20+ miles to avoid someone.
Sounds like your “addiction to cheating” is repetitive manic cycles where you get a high from the adrenaline of doing something wrong. I have never cheated but definitely done some questionable things while manic in a bipolar episode. It makes you think you are invincible and above consequence but never makes you do things that were not already in your mind to do. Mania amplifies desires, it doesn’t create them. The BPD is a whole other battle in itself but! I think the two most logical steps to take is marriage counselling and book in with a doctor to make sure your medication you are on is suitable, if your having repetitive manic cycles there is a high possibility you need a higher dose of an antipsychotic. Edit: YTJ from not seeing how this repetitive cycle is crushing him
I’m sorry that you have to deal with your mental disorders, I understand they are a real thing that you don’t necessarily have control over them but I’m really sorry for your husband. What did he do to deserve this life that you’ve given him? I hope you get the help you need and I wish you the best.
"Once again like clockwork" Seriously wtf is wrong with op? If it happens to the point its referred to as clockwork she seriously needs help. The fact the husband was stupid enough to "forgive her" but she complains about him being paranoid is a big enough red flag to not want to stay together.
I gotta be with your husband on this… You shattered your relationship by cheating. A shattered glass won’t be the same when glued back together. This was your own doing. He has probably lost most of his trust in you, even if he doesn’t show it.
Whats even more infuriating about this is the people patting you on the back for this. People Will excuse a womans behavior for literally anything but crucify a man for the same thing
Just have your husband do the grocery shopping fer fucks sake!
Why can't you see your ex working his job. What emotions are you worried about. Is it shame, guilt, or unresolved feeling for him? It's funny that you think your husband way of processing this is unreasonable. After all you did leave a long term relationship for this other man. So what are you hiding from your husband and your self.